Recollections of the Rhodes

Chapter 8

Taking the day off...

Date: 4/25/1903

Time: Sunrise

Location: Rhode Castle, My Bedroom

Ulysses POV

Yawwwwnnn

I let my legs slip off the bed as I woke up. My heads still aching a pinch, but the doc said it was okay to be out and about so long as I avoid trouble, so I decided to sleep in my room last night. As I stood up, light began to assault my eyes from the window. Ehh, too bright damn it.

I moved over to pull the curtains over, but they fell to the ground at my touch.

'Well hell, that's another thing on the to-do list.'

Moving towards the door so I could make up some grub, I put my hand on the knob and turn. The knob jammed for a moment before giving out under my touch. Huh, might wanna oil it up later.

Walking out into the hall, I let a small smile creep unto my lips. This is the kind of life I've missed, not having to care about being torn apart by Cacti Guys for once. Cervantes' Yeti's have nothing on them. They stand at about same size as people, and their scary as hell. Just imagine a Cactus with fingers, legs, sentience, and the ability to launch needles as fast as a bullet. Pretty scary, especially the sentience part.

Whelp, today's a bright sunshiny day, the birds are singing, and that is an especially nice breeze of wind I'm feeling... oh. Looking down, I find that I entered the hall without clothes. This is actually rather funny.

Turning around to go back in my room, I turn the knob. Ahem, Correction, I attempted to turn the knob. Putting all of my strength into it, the knob wouldn't budge.

" Nngh... C'mon..." I grunted as I tried opening it.

After wasting a minute on that, I back up. Fuck it, here goes nothing. I sped forward and tackled the door.

Thump.

" Ow! Fuck!"

Jesus, what is this door made of?!

Rubbing my arm, I size up the door. The door looks to be... some kind of wood? Fuck if I know, that's probably Cervantes' expertise, and even then I'm not sure he'll know. After a couple more unsuccessful rams, I slid up against the door in frustration. The knob was stuck and I couldn't ram it down... Should I summon a Fire-axe or something? Wait, I could summon shit out of thin air, couldn't I?

Face palming with an irritated groan, I get up and proceed to search around through the void. Hmm... no... I don't need a rubber chicken... where the hell are my clothes? I spent nearly an hour searching, only to find the Holy Grail, 9th Gen Doctor Who, Atlantis, The Smurf Village, and some blue Pega-corn pony taking a bath.

She was minding her own business in there for a minute, cleaning herself.

" Don't forget behind the ears," I commented.

" Wha- Get out you vile ape!" She yelled, throwing a loofah at me.

" Jeez, sooory~! Wrong room!" I yelled back, ears ringing from her scream.

I closed up the portal before things got out of hand. If I'd have known any better, I'd say she was a Dovahkiin with that set of lungs. And why was she mad anyways? Its not like the ponies around here wear clothes anyway...

I eventually gave up. Although... If sound waves and matter could travel across, could I technically teleport? I Imagined the courtyard of the castle, and with marginal success (It was eight feet off the ground), I saw the front door of the castle.

Sticking my hand into the void, I shudder. It's kind of like being at a campfire in the middle of a snowstorm. There's some warmth to it, but a lot of the area in general is freezing. After submerging my entire body through the void, I fall out into the courtyard, landing in the dirt with a fresh load of dust now up my crack. Okay, next up, teleporting to my room.

Opening another portal, I found myself gazing down from above my bed. On the dresser was a fresh set of jeans, White T-Shirt, And my stetson. My steel toe boots were next to the door, and my trench coat was my blanket from last night. We really have a lot of things to get replaced. Leaping through the portal, I land on the bed with a small thump. Next thing I knew, the bed collapsed and left the mattress on the ground.

We really need new shit.

Getting off my pile of shit, scrap, and cloth, I toss on my clothes and head for the door. Turning the knob, I smack my face again as I realize it's still jammed. So instead, to make use of my newly discovered life hacks, I make a portal in the kitchen storage. I just hope some old guy doesn't come around with a ban hammer yelling hacks at the top of their lungs.

When the portal opens up, I spy a gryphon digging through the shelves of salted meats me and Cervantes stocked in there a few days ago. Heheh, I think I'll pay him back for that concussion.

Tip-toeing through the portal, I sneak up behind him. I tap his back twice. As soon as he turned around, there was no mercy.

" Hi! Billy Mayes here with a can of whoop ass!"

" Arrgh!"

He bolted towards the door, trying to escape I see.

" Silly gryphon!" I gleefully yell, " There are no brakes on the rape train!"

I then grabbed him, pulling him away from the door up against the cobbled wall with a loud thump. Small droplets of condensation were beginning to form at the corners of his eyes.

" P-Please don't hurt-" He didn't get to finish as I stuffed his beak with...

...

...

...

...A baked potato. He sat there staring at me in confusion, tears streaming down his face. Finally, he mustered up what to say.

" Bfhwat?!" The gryphon yelled, potato spraying all over the area.

I rubbed some of the potato off of my face, slightly irked with that. He was a wreck at least. To be honest though, he looked like a crying little bitch who just scraped his knee on the sidewalk.

" Don't worry you pussy, I was just having fun. Future reference though, don't screw around with me. That's what you get for giving me a three day headache,"

I let go of him, letting him drop to the floor about as low as his current sanity level. He curled up into a fetal position and let his emotions run loosely. Pfft, pretty weak for a bird of prey.

When I walk out of the room, I bump into Cervantes. Looking up at him, his face is stern and he has his arms crossed.

" Talk. now," He voices sternly.

" Eheheh..." I laughed nervously.

To be honest, Cervantes is more scary then me when he wants to be. If you do something bad, then you get a stern lecture and some chore without pay. And that was for something as simple as lying. If we got into fights at school, well...

I shuddered, not wanting to relive that part of my childhood.

He brings me through the kitchen and into the dining room, which has been repaired to the point of probably being what it used to be like in it's heyday, minus the chandelier. And the moth eaten fabric. And the tarnished silverware.

A seat is pulled out in front of me by some unknown force, which startles me.

" Take a seat,"

Almost unwillingly, I sit in the chair. He sits across the table, stone cold face staring at me. I feel myself crumple as his glare beats down upon me. If looks could kill, I would be alight with the fury of a thousand suns.

" So, care to explain what you did back there?" He asks, solemn face unchanging.

" Scared the man out of him?" I ask, trying to bring light to the situation.

That was unfortunately crushed by his iron grip of darkness.

" You did something childish and stupid. The poor bird's had enough punishment from the ass-whooping he got from me, and he's as sorry as I've ever seen any living being. You are lucky I don't just take your ass out to ponyville, zip your pants down, and spank you in public right now,"

Gulp, He means business. Last time he did that was when I stole a peice of candy from the store. Didn't spank me in public, but it still hurt my pride.

" So what did you do to him?"

" I... scared him,"

" Is that it?"

" ... I also shoved a baked potato into his mouth after slamming him against the wall,"

" ... A... baked potato?"

" Yes,"

" Well, moving from that. What did you do to him in there to send him to the point of crying?"

" It was the baked potato,"

" ... Nevermind. I'll talk to him to get his side of the story. Afterwards, your punishment will be decided. Wait here,"

And so I did as I was told. I fiddled around with the dusty old tablecloth, twirling a torn strand in between my fingers. I was honestly scared of what might go down. We may be older now, and I may have gotten stronger, but he could still beat the crap out of me if he wanted to.

I started leaning back in the chair to get comfortable. Looking out a window, I can see some clouds forming in the distance. Huh, must be some bad weather coming our way.

The door to the kitchen swings open, revealing a skittish looking Ink Sword (With some potato still on his beak), and a lightly smiling Cervantes.

Wasn't he just mad two minutes ago?

... Oh balls.

" So, Ulysses," He begins, " I've come to a decision on your punishment..."

[{((O))}]

I was currently in the courtyard sawing wood to replace some of the stuff in the castle.

" Grab some lumber he said, make some planks he said, It'll be easy he said," I grumbled to myself.

" Hey, quit your bitching! I had to do this on my own to make a bridge you know! And it was with a hand ax!" He yelled from a lawn chair, sipping on some sort of iced tea with a pair of shades on.

Now cutting down some trees wouldn't be a problem, we were surrounded by them, so they wouldn't have to be hauled that big of a distance. Not to mention my chainsaw put itself to good use as well. What the problem was, is that cutting the trees down with the chainsaw attracted a nice family of manticores who decided the could add me to their picnic.

But instead, we got some scorpion tail and lion steak roasting over an open fire. They did know there was a picnic, they just didn't know who was going to be in the basket. Would've been an okay fight, if Cervantes hadn't locked the gates and left me outside to fend for myself. He knew I could do it, he just wanted to rub in the punishment.

So right now I was measuring and cutting wood with several bite and claw wounds. None of the bastards managed to sting me though, thank god, but it still sucks that I have to do this with injuries that Cervantes considers minor.

" And after this, I want you to scrub the prisoners toilets,"

Are you fucking kidding me?!

Cervantes POV

Hah, this is the life. I've got Cervantes to work on my priority chores today. I've needed this. First couple of weeks in Equestria and it's been monsters this or bandits that. It's nice to sit back, relax, and enjoy some nice mint and sheep sorrel tea. I'm generally surprised Equestria has similar vegetation to Ohio. Ahh, sweet Ohio.

While Ulysses is muttering on how shit ain't going his way, I start thinking about things. Ulysses, has super powers, so does that mean I get some?

In all honesty, I hope not. Having to cope with super powers sounds like it would be a bitch. Just imagine wolverine whacking it when someone barges in his room. Not gonna end well. Not to mention this happens in a lot of fanfics, where the human is sent to Equestria and gets super powers, blah blah blah.

Ulysses can so far teleport and break the fourth wall, which he is so far taking strong advantage of to transport trees... why am I not surprised? Hmm... wouldn't I technically be superhuman right now though? I heal at an incredibly fast pace, which is something I've never really done before. I'm stronger than a bull, with what I did to that tree in the courtyard. And I've never really realized it until now, but I duel wield claymores and light machine guns for Christ's sake

Hmm... maybe I could test something out right now.

" Hey Ulysses! Can I see one of those trees for a moment?"

" Be my guest! The more help, the merrier!" He yells, sounding slightly irritated.

Possibly with how lax I've been.

As I look the tree up and down, I take in some factors. The tree seems to be pine, roughly four foot thick body with a length of about... 30, 40 feet could have been the original, but It was cut down to a ten foot piece.

Bending over, I grab a knothole (Sorry woodland critters, sorry Fluttershy, but we need this wood.) and prepare to hoist.

" Whoa man, are you crazy? There's no way in hell you can lift that,"

" Watch me,"

And with that, after a moment of effort, I hoist it over my head. Hes staring at me with his eyes larger than saucers, his gawk big enough to fit about a gallon of water.

Heh, I love euphemisms.

" What the-... You have super powers too?! Awesome!"

He runs over to hug me, but then realizes quickly I'm still holding the log.

" Whoa, sorry. Hey, just curious but... how far do you think you could throw that?" He asks, eyeballing the hunk of pine like it was sweet nectar.

" Let's find out," I say with a grin.

And with that, I whipped the log forward... and it left over the castle wall.

Fuck.

Crash!

Ulysses looks at me slowly with a nervous glint in his eyes.

" It... could be worse? Right?"

" Who dares to catapult wood at us?!" I heard an all familiar princess yell.

" ... Cervy?" Ulysses asks, almost like a child watching his parents argue.

" Yes Uly?" I replied.

" We're in deep shit, aren't we?"