Recollections of the Rhodes

Chapter 9

Early release

Date: 4/25/1903

Time: I'd say about an hour til' noon.

Location: Rhode Castle, Courtyard.

Cervantes POV

Me and Ulysses were sitting there, unsure of what the hell to do at this moment. It took me a couple of seconds to come up with a reply.

"By the powers invested in me, we are fucked,"

Ulysses looked at me for a moment, then grinned.

" No, you're fucked. I'm out of here,"

And with that, he opened a portal. Straight to what appears to be the front of a desolate, post apocalyptic Wal-mart.

" Now if you excuse me, I have some shopping to do. I heard that this place has a nice discount on cheese this time of year,"

" Hey, wait!" I started, " Don't leave-" only to have the portal close up in front of me, " Me,"

And just like that, he's gone. I was unfortunate enough to trip over a rock and face plant the ground. I found out what dirt tastes like. I kind of like it though, it tastes so... dirty. Still upset that Ulysses left me behind in the dust with his life hacks. I would have chosen earth over this any day.

Attempting to get up, I Stumbled into more of a crouch, and I scramble to some nearby bushes for cover.

Well, while I wait for them to arrive, I might as well think. Thinking tends to keep me calm. Normally talking would be the answer, but I gotta hide. Where was I two seconds ago before I launched a log at Princess Luna? Oh yeah, super powers. Super strength is my only power? Meh, I suppose it's Okay. I still don't want them though. In most fan-fics the human with powers would normally be super stoked, then they would try and learn how to use them. That's part one to a basic storyline.

If it's a villain, they usually go bat shit crazy and use their powers all over the place, sometimes rather recklessly I might add. Or they hide and build up an army or some shit. Heroes will at first in most fan-fics obviously use their powers for good, saving the Cutie Mark Crusaders or some shit. That's part two.

And finally, the villain gets locked away for a thousand years til' they reach the time period of the elements, or sent to the elements time period to get defeated by the elements. The hero my end up abusing their powers or going through some sort of lesson which teaches them that their powers are important and lovey dovey blah blah blah. You get the picture. In total, everyone is still neck deep in bullshit through the sheer time they spend into their power.

In total, I don't want this. I need this like I need steroids.

...  Well, now that I think about it, I already had these powers before I arrived here. I was already capable of immense strength so... how? Fuck it, I'll think about it another time. Right now, the princess just... oh shit... princesses just flew in. With Royal Guards. Must be for escort through the forest. A couple even looked banged up, possibly courtesy of me though. Celestia is usually adult like and more calm than Luna in most fics, so I should hopefully be okay so long as Celestia can keep the leash in a good hold.

" I will ask again," Luna yelled, " Who catapulted the log towards us?"

" Luna, look around," Celestia hushed to Luna.

They looked around for a minute, spotting the roasting manticore tail. Some of the guards looked somewhat disgusted, others just tried to ignore it. Princesses were unfazed.

" There is no catapult here. Some forest predator in the area could be at fault for it. Judging by the logs size, It would have taken at least four or five unicorns to lift,"

Well balls, that makes it more depressing. Ponies complimenting my strength. Inadvertently, but doing so nevertheless. I don't want super powers damn it!

Slowly rising out of the bush, I find myself staring at their... heh, nice cutie marks. Leaning up against the wall, I pull the brim of my hat down to shade my eyes from the sun and act cool.

" And that predator would be me. Sorry about that by the way," I replied nonchalantly.

They turn around to see me, seven foot two and all. One of the guards reacted immediately and charged, only for me to sidestep. He wasn't able to slow down in time, as he rammed into the wall behind me.

Gong!

Ouch, that must of hurt.

The guard stumbled back, bumbling in a circle. I could practically see birds tweeting around his head when he slumped into the dirt. I picked up a stick from the bush and poked him a couple of times, confirming his unconsciousness.

" Ahem," I heard from behind.

Looking back at the group, I see that the guards and Luna are glaring, and Celestia just seems to be giving a disapproving look. I actually forgot about them in my quest to finally have a poke at someone who was knocked unconscious.

" What? It ain't my fault he made like a bell and rang,"

" We're here about my night guards who came here a couple of weeks ago," Luna said, sounding a tad bit pissed.

" Ah, your guards. Don't you mean the guards? You don't exactly own them,"

" You know what I mean. Show us what you've done with them,"

" Meh, alright. Follow me. It's just about lunch time for them anyways,"

" Very well," Celestia replied.

A couple of guards moved over to their unconscious comrade and lifted him onto their backs. With that, we moved to the doors. I grabbed to big wooden slab and pulled it back. The guards for the most part seemed slightly surprised. Luna and Celestia went unamused however.

" Oh, forgot to mention," I began," A set of rules has been set around here. If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, leave them til I'm done laying things down. Any who are caught stealing or vandalizing property will be dealt with in our manner. And that's hauling your ass out back and trading blows. If we find you attempting the especial theft of our technology, then you will face the personal wrath of a nightstick at the back of your skull. I understand you're here on somewhat peaceful terms and hopefully I don't seem that threatening, but I'm just being defensive. And any questions about our technologies will be denied with the exception of basic functions.

Further more, I understand this may have been your castle once upon a time sisters, but everything left behind in the dust here would now be technically considered free reign for scavengers and bandits. Hell, I'm surprised a majority of the castle hadn't been raided yet. So any objects you see within the castle are officially mine now and anyone else who wish to live here with us, help rebuild the castle, the works.

Current residents who plan on staying, and some who pretty much went rogue on you Luna, are: Arrowhead, Ulysses, Studded Shield, Ink Sword, Sterile needle, and I, your host; Cervantes Maxwell Rhode. Arrowhead is a bat pony, or whatever the preferred term for his sub-species is. By all indications with the amount of arrows that landed in my brother, he is exceptionally skilled with the bow. Sterile Needle, the only non-bat on the team, a unicorn, is by far the most stubborn combat medic I have ever met. He's done wonders with the wounded. Studded Shield is also a bat pony, and has so far proved herself as my favorite pony. Her excellent defense was shown with how many rubber rounds she managed to take from Clementine, the big ass hand held cannon on my back. Yes, believe it or not, it's a cannon,"

Some guards were looking rather doubtful about that fact, while others seemed just plain bored. A couple of them were still glaring at me with eyes full of hate. Calling Clementine a... cannon is pretty degrading to her, but there's really no simple way of putting it to a pony. I pulled out a flask and began delving into the sweet nectar known only as Jack Daniel. It's probably one of the only alcohol I could drink that I actually like. Beer, wine, scotch, you name it, I just didn't like it. The only other exception was Irish Mead. It kind of tasted like stale bubblegum, something you'd scrape off the bottom of a work boot, and grass. Probably the actual ingredients too, knowing how the irish like their drinks. Still liked it though, since it's good enough to get me shitfaced. I wonder if Ulysses could fetch me a supply of it sometime...

After taking another swig, I tuck the flask back into my coat and continue.

" Up next is Ink Sword the Gryphon. The bird's kind of weak in my opinion, but I hope I can help him toughen up,"

Hah, fuck that. He put up a fight for an amazing seven minutes... can't say that for the guards. Then again, Ink was using some sort of claw cannon that was an amalgamation of Iron man and Samus from Metroid... I miss that game. But seriously, the fact that he survived seven minutes in an all-out fist fight with me is amazing compared to a bunch of other idiots (mainly drunks) I've fought back on earth. Most don't even last the first minute. And of course I did use a heavy machine gun on the guards, which is the kind that needs mounting by the way... think clean thoughts, think clean thoughts...

" His specialty is tech, although me and Ulysses have that covered. Speaking of which, brings us to my brother. Ulysses and me are human, otherwise known as homo sapien. If you wanna be a dick about it though, we're hairless apes. His specialties are Melee Combat, Comedy, Schizophrenia, and some other ability I can't really identify. Apparently he can cross the trans-dimensional barrier though,"

That caught everyones everyponies attention.

" Impossible! Such a feat cannot simply be accom-" Luna began, but was interrupted by he who is bat shit crazy.

Just like that, two portals opened up to the side, causing heads to swivel in the direction. Ulysses bounded between the two portals singing the most annoying ass song in the world while pushing a shopping cart full of toilet paper, canned goods, seed packets, sleeping bags, and... A cheese model of the statue of liberty? How the fuck did he... you know what? Fuck logic, not gonna question it. Just like he passed through, Ulysses left with the song of hell resonating in the air.

Luna was the first to speak up, " Well... that was interesting, and quite random. He seemed familiar too,"

" And that was unfortunately... sigh... my brother," I commented with a face palm.

" The chaotic energies emanating from him were quite powerful," Celestia stated, " The only other I could say that would rival your brother is... Discord,"

Eesh, that powerful? Discord and my brother meeting... that would be the day the beginning of the end of the universe began.

" Huh, the more you know. He ain't a bad one by the way. A couple of broken windows upstairs, but he's still got a golden heart. Anyways, the final one is, well, me! My specialties are Explosives, Forge Work, Heavy Weapons Combat, Unarmed Combat, Duel-wielding Combat, Basic Plumbing, Basic Electricity, and Genetic Enhancements. No Luna, the whole genetic enhancements thing was not the ability I hid from you. I didn't really notice these things until recently, but my strength, hearing, and healing factor seem to have improved greatly. That about wraps up the current reside- Oh! Almost forgot our favorite! Lily the dragon. We tend to leave her to herself, although if I get bored sometimes I'll have a chat with her. She gives me and everyone else around here odd jobs to keep us busy,"

" So wait, you happen to be living in the same castle as a dragon?" Luna asked, sounding unsure of what she heard.

" Yes?"

" I'm kind of surprised you decided to associate yourself with a dragon. Not many souls are brave enough to do that,"

" I'm not like many souls, am I? Where I'm from, I'm pretty much a veteran. Although there's really no one home to cheer me on, other than the occasional pack of monsters on the street,"

" How so, If I may ask?" Celestia inquired.

" Now that's a question for another time. Preferably when the time feels right. Let's just set your guards loose so I can get you guys out of here,"

" Actually-" Luna was interrupted by a thunder crack from outside.

" We planned on making an extensive visit," Celestia finished.

Balls. Well, I am my fathers child, and I cannot simply leave a stranger knocking at my door out in a storm.

" Sigh, Fine, I suppose we could arrange a couple of rooms for you and your guards. Should have given me fair waring though. Your guards are probably gonna have to sleep in this castle's barracks. I fixed up the place recently, so it isn't a complete shit hole. Even have a plumbing system hooked up. Fresh water for the toilets is pumped in from a nearby stream, waste is dumped out into a furnace. Drinking water is available at faucets in the kitchen, barracks, and servant's quarters, which has been modified into a medical bay. Bathing water is available at the showers at the barracks, or the guest bedrooms. I'm honestly surprised I've gotten that all done in a week and a half, along with fixing up the kitchen, dining room, med. bay, and a few guest bedrooms. Just shows what you can do if you push yourself. Why do you want to stay anyway?"

I asked as we moved into the kitchen, a few guards having stayed outside to... well, guard.

" We have reasons. Reasons that are rather obvious. You're the first member of your species to roam Equis in over 3,000 years,"

I noticed.

" So I wished to meet the ambassador personally,"

" Ambassador?"

" You're species did come in peace, right?"

" Yes, well, sort of,"

" How so?" She asked, entering a serious position.

" Me and my brother didn't exactly come here willingly,"

" As my sister has said what you said to her,"

" Right, but for all we know, we're the last of our kind,"

" Really? Did something happen,"

" Darwin's theory, that's what happened," I replied, not really wanting to relive some images I had witnessed back home.

People had gone either nuts, in similar cases to my brother, got PTSD, or transformed into some sort of beast. Hell, I was close to cracking myself. Of course, there was a saying in the family; Mental Illness doesn't run in the family, it walks up to each of us and slowly get's to know us. There were... certain things I saw that no human should live through.

" Darwin's theory? I'm afraid I don't understand,"

" A great man named Charles Darwin made the theory, that all life sprouted through evolution. Survival of the fittest if you will. Back on earth... let's just say humanities number was up. Something else came along and pushed us aside. It happens,"

" Depressing... so are you and your brother the last?"

" The last? Pfft, I doubt it. Humans are like roaches. We're too stubborn too die out,"

" But you just said that for all you knew, you and your brother were the last,"

" Yeah, I did. Minor error on my part. Anyways, other modifications around the castle include an electric stove-"

" Excuse me," Celestia asked with a raised hoof, " But what is an electric stove? There is the Thaumaturgic Stove, but never has one been powered by lightning,"

" Ahh, well you see, that's human ingenuity. We evolved in an environment without magic, so we learned to adapt. And unlike Equestria here, home was much more violent. All humans couldn't exist without knowing the concept of death. And in spite of all the war, all the spitting, name-calling, diseases, and natural disasters, our homes population is, or was, 6.8 billion humans. Probably no more than a few million left. Hell, maybe even fewer. Anyways, to explain how an electric stove works, I'd have to tell you how humans have come to know electricity,"

" 6.8 billion?! That number is impossible!"

Thank you, I need my hearing checked now because of you.

" Heh, well, humans aren't known for cuddling. Some tend to get freaky,"

This earned me a couple of hearty chuckles from the guards, who were quickly silenced from one of the higher-up guards with a single glare. You know, the kind of glare that says 'shut the fuck up or I will end you,'. It's also known as a death glare.

" I'm serious! You cannot believe the sheer amount of kinks and pornography most humans have! Ever hear of tentacle hentai?"

" Umm... as interesting as a topic this seems, why don't we change the subject," Celestia said, seeming unsettled by where this conversation is going.

" Meh, fine. But if anypony has any questions about humanity in general, lemme know. Now we've been holding this off long enough, so let's go fetch your guards,"

Just out of my curiosity as a self question but, are ponies into inter-species? Meh, wouldn't surprising with all the Gryphons, Minotaurs, Diamond Dogs- Oh shit! We were supposed to pack up for a trip to Denver, Collarado yesterday! Sigh, Life just doesn't always work you way. That's why I have a 'fuck it all' attitude when this happens. For those of you reading, you could agree with me that the Diamond Dog republic state and city names are probably the most genius puns I've heard in ages. Right next to Mylos' capital, which is Moscow. Urgh, the puns are unbearable. The republic state is on the border of the Everfree, which as it turns out, unofficially counts as it's own land since no one want's anything to do with it. Would that mean that Twilight and company have illegally immigrated on several occasions? Just a thought.

I wonder how well the borders have been managed as well. Yeesh, let's hope 'A Dog and Pony Show' isn't canon to this universe. If it is though, that might mean that everything else is canon. I'd really like to be in Canterlot around season two finale and smash some changeling ass. And not in the sexual way. Seriously, it's like I'm surrounded by perverts... Oh wait, I'm one of them.

We stopped by the kitchen for a moment as I picked up a variety of food. As it turns out, some ponies do in fact eat meat. Unicorns are the only true Vegans, seeing as how it's considered 'barbaric' in their society. Pegasi tend to only occasionally eat fish, Bat ponies are full blown omnivores, some as much of a meat eater as an American, which explains societies view on them as blood sucking maniacs, and earth ponies will occasionally eat pork and chicken. Kind of explains the pigs on sweet apple acres now that you think about it... but why did the Mane six react so harshly to me being a meat-eater then? I'd have to ask them sometime. Same with Ditzy and those guards.

Learning these facts from the guards in the dungeon made me the happiest man alive. No one is restricting me from having my god damned bacon! Gonna suck not having a cow steak though, seeing as how they are intelligent. Fucking logic... might as well make sentient monkeys... Oh that's right, me and Ulysses are filling that position.

So I grabbed some of the salted venison from the storage and tossed it on the stove.

" Why did you bother to salt that meat?" Celestia asked.

" Uhh, to keep it preserved? Why else?"

" You do realize that the storage room has runes on it designed specifically for that purpose, right?"

Ohhh, so that's what those runes were for? Don't I feel like a dumb ass. Face palming, I muttered some not so nice things under my breath.

" Well, I do now. Keep in mind that humans have never had magic, so we made due with technology. Had special machines which we could use that would cool food to the point of preservation,"

" Really? How?"

" Fuck if I know for sure, otherwise I wouldn't be smoking and salting meats. I'm just a demolitionist, you know? Make things go boom? I know how to smoke and salt because my dad taught me. Plumbing and electricity I learned from experience because it was cheaper to repair something yourself. Never got around learning how to can though..."

" Can?"

" Yeah. Humans can take certain foods and store them in metal canisters for extended periods of time. Like, over a couple hundred years theoretically. Stuff like ham, corn, okra, spinach, spaghetti, you name it, you could can it. Hell, they even figured out how to can milk. A human can can just about everything into a can if they can,"

My choice of words seems to leave her confused for a moment, but she just brushes it off.

" You know Celestia, for being a monarch and all, you're a bit more social than I expected,"

She chuckled at that for a moment.

" Things tend to get boring at the castle. All I get these days is whiny nobles and passing laws, so when Luna found a new species at first in the dreamscape, it piqued my interest. And when you overpowered her Night Guard, that got my full attention. I'm rather curious about your reason here. There hasn't been a human on Equis for ages," She asked me, narrowing her eyes in suspicion.

" Meh, I never really chose to come here. I was actually drowning before I came to your world, so I'm sure as hell happy my skin was saved,"

" I'm sorry if I just don't trust you, but... An ancient species symbolized in stories as an evil monster just popped up on my nations doorstep. Forgive me if I'm a little cautious,"

Rulers of Equestria cautious of human. Not a first in fanfiction. I just hope it doesn't get to the point of paranoia.

" Understandable. I just hope we can at least be friendly,"

" Great, so... what do you plan on doing while you stay here on Equis?"

" Aside from fixing this castle? I don't know... maybe start up a group out here? Me and my brother want to do a couple of things, but we're still working on the details. Right now our main concern is making this castle and it's inhabitants self-sufficient. After that, we could do what we wanted I suppose. Now admittedly, some of these sound farfetched, but we'd settle for second best. We heard about a war that's been going on between the north and the western isles, and some of us around the castle are no strangers to action, so we could sell out our services to one of either side. Most likely Gryphons, seeing that the Minotaurs hate humanities guts.

Then there's settling an actual town out here. I honestly don't see anything wrong with Everfree, aside from predators. May be creepy to most ponies, but it's rather nice weather out here,"

" Nice weather?"

" Yeah, because it's free weather. Back home, no one controlled it. Nature is allowed to be free here, so that's what makes it nice,"

" That's because the Everfree is a thaumaturgical dumping ground. All excess from weather teams, unicorn magic, and runes leads here. Nopony normally stays here for extended periods of time. Magic does dissipate into the soil overtime, but magical advancements and more frequent usage of it has led to build up. Since the magical residue was making tasks such as weather control and simple spell casting a chore. So special crystals were place deep in the heart of the Everfree to lure the residue from the rest of Equis. Our choice had led to unexpected results however,"

So she's... Polluting? Damn, not quite what I expected

As we continued our conversation about humanity, magic, and other unimportant nonsense, I finished up the last plate of boar-kchops with a side of simmered cat tail stalk slices coated in cheese. Cat tail can be treated as many things throughout the year. Early to mid spring the fresh stalks can be plucked and shaved to a white core. From there you can eat it raw or serve it up as an asparagus substitute. You think I'm making this shit up? Go read Peterson's Field Guide to Edible Wild Plants at your local library if you can find it. Probably difficult though, since it was published around 1974 (Earth Time) and didn't get many people interested. This shit is growing around the river like a weed where that serpent roams around. He thinks their just ugly pond grass, so the poor sucker even pays me for 'lawn duty'. He doesn't pay me in regular bits though, he pays me with gems he finds on the riverbed. It's actually helped feed the emergency treasury a bit. I get a bit of extra pay if I bring flowers to spruce up his stream. Pay isn't the best seeing as how gems are pretty common, but hey, lawn work is a good first job for an Illegal Immigrant.

I then take the last plate and load it onto a cart and begin to exit the kitchen. The aroma has obviously gotten some of the ponies to drool, and even Luna seems to have a mouthwatering want for it.

" I suppose this is lunch?" Luna asks, ready to take a plate almost immediately.

" For the prisoners of course,"

" The prisoners? Why would you give such a delectable dish to your own prisoners?"

" I may be one hell of a fighter, but that doesn't mean they wouldn't get a nicely cooked meal. The meals they get are about a pinch less better than the food I'd actually cook. I've had to take care of my brothers and sister ever since mom died, so that meant I'd have to learn how to cook something besides ramen noodles or burritos."

" If I may ask, what is a burrito?"

Holy fuck, I could introduce the cuisine of the gods to these poor ponies. I shall be their glorious savior as a shining light in darkness by introducing them to mexican food. It'd also be funny to see them react to getting gas. Oh man, imagine what middle eastern food would do to them. First time I had Afghanistanian food my shit smelled funny for a whole week. And my piss smelled like bacon. Still does actually... I don't think that's the food actually.

" Well, if I can get the ingredients I'd make it for you. That would take some time though,"

Anyways, we eventually come across the dungeon doors, and I see Luna's mood has shifted to somewhat pissed.

" My Night Guards are in there?" She asked as her teeth gritted.

" Oh I can assure you the conditions have improved since the last time you ponies probably used them,"

" Let's hope so, or you'll end up on my shit-list,"

Whoa! Luna just cursed?! The more I hang around these ponies the more I notice that they're nothing like on the show. And I like it!

" Alright, sheesh. Ladies first,"

I then held the door open and beckoned them inside.

" It would be best if you led," Luna said.

Sheesh, untrustworthy are we? I step in first and begin to lead them inside. The electric lanterns on the wall showing that the generator is still running.

The ponies just stare at the lanterns, dumbstruck.

" H-how?" One of the guards asked.

" Electricity. While pony tech is based mainly on magic, we've learned how to cope in an environment without it. So we figured out how to run electricity through- Oops, almost told you the secret! That stuffs staying with me until I see Equestria and it's neighboring nations are mature enough. Crystalose is a hell no, although they wouldn't technically even count as a nation with all their disorder and anarchy. Mylos is a no, their obviously religious nuts in my opinion, and these things coming from a human could very well be a sign of the devil to them for all I know. I've studied up on Equestria and it's neighboring nations by the way. Avalonne would also be a hell no, seeing as their currently at war with Mylos. Both of those nations remind me of the 14th century feudalistic nations of Europe, and that was not pretty.

Zebrica is O.K. for use, however most of them couldn't use it if they wanted to with the exception of a couple of major cities, seeing as how most tribes are in grass huts. You guys are O.K. as well, hell, it could open up new job options in all of the nations in short term. Agricultural advances being spread would probably put a majority of farms out of business, so that's a no, no matter how much you beg. I'm not putting farmers out of jobs, and that's final. Everyone seems to be able to operate fine without it though. And as far as I can tell, Equestria is only slightly behind Earth in medical technologies, so the only suggestion in that field is legalize marijuana,"

" What? Legalize herb? Why? It decreases IQ and causes memory loss," Celestia stated, seemingly confused by my suggestion.

" Wrong. Marijuana actually doesn't do that. Same thing happened on Earth. What happened was the tobacco companies bribed some science officials to state that marijuana was bad, which led to marijuana being illegalized. About five decades later and they're up to their asses in lawsuits. As it turns out, marijuana kills cancer cells. It also help patients with fibro myalgea, arthritis, and even helps with seizure prone patients in some cases, whereas tobacco helps cause cancer, blackens your lungs, destroys skin, and yellows your teeth. Sometimes permanantly. And they even added a checmical to make it addictive. This was all proved true globally in 2017, Earth time. Took til 2019 to nationally legalize it, and many other nations followed and legalized it in the next couple of years. So if pony biology is any similar to human biology when it comes to medicine, I'd suggest looking into it. This is actually the only advancement that I would probably help Equestria or it's neighbors for quite some time. Yes it does in fact hinder the brain, but only temporarily. The people who took those IQ tests were probably high out of their mind, or really stupid to begin with,"

Judging by where we are in the stairwell, I'd say we were almost there. I know this because I leave distance markers on the wall to let me know how far in I am. The ponies in general seemed surprised by my argument. Celestia eventually opened her mouth.

" Okay, I understand your species is a little advanced," She began, " And judging by these lights that surround us, I'll take your word for it. I'll have a research team set up in Canterlot labs when I get back,"

A little? Bitch, humans unlocked the secrets of the sun and weaponized it. It's called a nuclear missile. We also turned it into a limitless power source, via solar panel. We went to another planet, Mars specifically, claimed it, and breathed new life into it despite being dead for millions of years. We turned on it's core! As it turns out, life did exist there once upon a time, although it didn't go past small ferns, grasses, and small insects on land. The place was teeming with forests last I checked on TV. And that was two days before shit hit the fan.

We discovered the answer to the fuel crisis. Well, Russia found it, but still. 'The war against terrorism' had finally stopped in 2031 when that great hunk of land Isis had control of in the middle-east was bombed to shit, leaving it as nothing more than a scar visible from space. Some of the indentations in the earth were so deep from the bombing, that rain water and seawater collected and made brackish swamps, completely changing the middle-east. That all together prevented future terrorists wanting to take control, seeing that we meant business.

However, my lips were kept sealed about all this. They didn't need to know too much about earth. Just that Earth rules and Equis drools. I may be a fan of MLP:FIM, but I wasn't being an absolutely sworn loyalist to it, constantly adoring it, talking about it and trying to convert people.

... O.K., that's a slight lie. I did convert one person. Dad. His favorite pony out of them all was Fluttershy. Can you Imagine a 40 year old, buff as can be construction worker, at seven foot... ten inches I think? Haven't seen him for 20 years, so my memory is a little hazy. Can you imagine him walking to a construction site with a picture of Fluttershy velcro patch on his work shirt? He told me about his workers reactions. A lot of them seemed startled, even teasing him afterwards, but kept moving on. One of them turned out to be a brony as well. Small world I guess.

Anyway, aside from my ramblings about home, I find that we've arrived at our destination. And I've had to carry a fucking dinner cart down a nearly 30 story stairwell... very logical. How does air even get transferred here anyways? Must be runes I guess.

" Congratulations everypony, as it turns out, your getting an early release! As soon as all of you finish your lunch, you'll be permitted to leave. Those of you who wish to stay at the fort, you know who you are, and you will most likely have to turn in your uniforms as well. On the bright side, you'll get some new equipment, which will in fact explain to those of you who wish to stay, why I was making measurements yesterday. You will also have a handful of bits to start you off around here as well as some basic weapons based off of human weaponry. I will personally teach you how to use them. Especially you Stitches. You may be a medic, but you're still getting good weapons and armor,"

" My name is Sterile Needle you moron," I heard the pony in question groan from a cell.

The guy is only down here because everyone was okay enough for going around on their own. Not like they could go anywhere anyways.

" So, let's get you all to dig in!" I yelled.

I then passed out the plates to each cell individually. The royal guards and the princesses got a good look at the bat ponies who were enjoying games of cards, laughing, and having conversations like regular people. Luna did seem quite happy her guards were treated more than well, but was obviously confused about something else.

" What's the matter Luna? Something eating you?" I ask, handing a plate to Cloud Nine.

" A couple of things actually. You don't seem to fear me and my sister for one. Even casually calling us by name rather than adding the title of princess. Why's that?"

" A bit of this, a bit of that. I treat everyone equally despite position. I also tend to kick the rear of anyone who abuses power in high positions by making people bow to them. You and your sister are different from what I can tell, so we aren't gonna get up in arms against each other any time soon,"

" Interesting... and another reason. Why do you treat prisoners so well? It would not get the point of punishment across to them,"

" Hmm... you have a good point there. We're treating them nicely because they weren't really doing much bad. They were trying to attack me and my brother, but they were ordered to do so. They were just doing their job. Speaking of which, you could have set up a schedule rather than short notice assault,"

" Thank you for the explanation. As for the guards, you simply boasted that you we're better than the night guard, so I sent them immediately to see how well you could truly do, especially when rushed. Not only did you succeed in defeating them, but you did so without deaths, and even captured them. I'm not happy that you even fooled a couple of them into staying here with you, but that proves you could even turn the tides towards yourself with just words. I'll miss those guards, but I can't control them,"

" Wow, I like you even more. After I'm done feeding these guards, I'll set 'em free and get everyone set up in the dining room,"

" Great. So what will we be having for lunch?"

" An earth cuisine, specifically from a country known as Mexico. It's going to be a four cheese Quesadila with chopped Onion, Garlic, Jalapeno pepper, and chopped hard boiled egg. It will also have a small sauce bowl of sour cream to dip your Quesadila into,"

" Sound rather good, aside from the chopped hard boiled egg. I'm certain everyone will enjoy it,"

It will be good. It was one of the first recipes I had ever learned. I may hunt, be able to lift enough weight to tumble a tree, and get into fistfights with just about everything that moves the wrong way, but I make cooking an art. That, and blowing shit up... and smithing... and my acoustic guitar. What can I say? I'm a Jack of Trades.

After waiting for what seemed like forever, everyone cleaned their plates and suited up in armor. As it turns out, the guards were wearing some kind of magical dye. A uniform thing I guess. I'm talking about this because Luna's currently cleaning it out of my new 'recruits'. Their still bat ponies as my theory proves, but their different. Arrow Head has a chestnut coat and copper mane/tail. Studded Shield takes on a reddish gray coat and a silver mane/tail. And finally Sterile Needle. The doc has a great white coat that would match Celestia's, and a blood red mane/tail with a sickly green highlight. Seems as though their manes are different haircuts now, when they didn't have much of a mane to begin with. Must be another uniform thing.

Arrow Head happens to bumble next to me.

" What now?" He asks.

" We head down to my workshop. I've got some proto-type armor there. Or just regular clothes, your choice. Still working on what would be a good uniform around here. I've got a nice bow with your name on it waiting there too,"

He brightens at 'bow' quite visibly.

" A new bow? The old one I had was... excuse my language, but it was a pile of horse apples,"

" Oh you'll love it. It's got a mix of earth technology in it,"

" What are we getting?" Studded Shield asked, motioning between herself and Sterile Needle.

" You my dear, will be getting a unique set of armor and a new sword. As for the doc, he'll be getting a custom set of medic armour along with a nice knife,"

" I'm waiting with bated breath," Needle said sarcastically.

" Oh you should be. It's a major piece of work in my opinion. Everyone's going to be getting their own set of custom armor. Still thinking of a design for Ink Sword, god knows he'll need it,"

" Okay, and after we get our armor?" Arrow asked again.

" Well, I'll have to serve our guests, so I suppose you guys have some free time. Although I'd like to see how you'd handle in hand-to-hand combat later, and I'll probably have to teach you guys how to operate your armor and weapons, and how to properly clean and repair the components. That mainly goes for your new bow Arrow,"

" It's just a bow and a set of armor. How could it be complex enough to need being taught how to use it?"

" Heh, you'll see in a minute. Celestia, Luna, follow me if you want a preview on basic combat armor from earth,"

They nodded, and the group followed me to the Armory.

As soon as we enter, everypony seems astonished by whats in the corner. The armor.

" Alrght, now the white suit with the red cross is yours-" I spoke, finding that Needle was already trying to put his suit on.

" -Sterile. I see you like it already,"

" It's great! Who would have though of putting the med kit right on the side? It's not burdening to the mouth, and easy to reach!"

" Alright, jeez! Now be careful though, I haven't even explained functions yet! Now let me show you how to put it on properly,"

Aside from LED's in the red crosses on the shoulder pads for giving it that special glow, I had mic's hooked up in the headsets of all three sets of armor. I got the mic's from Game stop (they were the kind for XBOX live. I don't even know what they were doing in my supply bags.), and set up a two way radio. This was last minute actually, right before I went to the kitchen. Actually haven't even had a chance to test 'em.

After adjusting the helmet onto Sterile's head, I turn the radio on, praying to god it works.

" Okay, so I wanted a little more added to the suit, but there's only do much I've been able to do for the past couple of weeks. Just let me see if the long range communicators are working,"

" Long range... communication?"

" They're special devices in the helmet that permit people to talk to each other from distances as long as a couple miles as if they were in the same room,"

" A simpler way would be mail, wouldn't it?"

" That would be okay, but this is instant communication. If I'd have to guess, you could only really send a letter with magic, right?"

" Right. Something instant like this would be a major improvement to technology. Does it have to be in a helmet?"

" Technically not. We're getting off topic though. Other basic utilities include waist med kit, Serated combat knife, which would probably pretty big for a knife to you ponies, and I wanted to add an HUD system, but I don't have the time and materials here,"

" What does HUD stand for?"

" Heads Up Display. It can be used to place or make map markers so it's easier to follow an objective, Thermal vision for detecting camouflaged opponents, Night vision for... night vision, detect organisms within a radius, and measure self vital signs. Probably more that I can't think of right now,"

At most I could only set up the radio communicators. I'm sure as hell not gonna risk a head blowing off from an attempt at installing a targeting system.

" Fascinating, and all this is hooked up to the helmet,"

" Just the communicator. Now give me a minute to see if this thing is working,"

Sliding the helmet and suit onto Sterile Needle, who's currently grinning like an idiot, I turn his helmet on. I pick up the mic that was meant to stick under my hat and spoke into it.

" Testing, one two three,"

" It's like your in my head!" Sterile needle yelled, looking startled.

" That's... kind of the point. Now let's get Shield and Arrow suited up..."

[{((O))}]

After the others got suited up, I made my way to the dining hall to pretty much feed an army. Three fourths of that army is my stomach, the other fourth is the guests. Down the hall in front of the kitchen, I see Ulysses drop into the hall through a tear in space. A shopping cart full of goods followed, landing directly on top of him. Grumbling something, he gets up and looks at me with a smile. His smile dropped as soon as he eyed Luna. And Luna was apparently having the same reaction. Times ten.

" Oh shit!" I heard Ulysses yell as he tried to run down the hall.

" Get back here shower defiler!"

I face palmed as Luna bolted down the hall like a bullet and tackled Ulysses to the ground.

"Why do I get the feeling this is going to be a normal thing?" I mumbled into my palm as Celestia, a couple of guards, and studded shield moved down the hall to separate the two.