Trigger Warning: Applejack, innuendo, human, pasta

Twilight lounged casually at the beach on a sunny Saturday afternoon. Or at least what passed as a beach in Ponyville, which amounted to a sprinkling of sand by the reservoir. Twilight wasn’t sure it was actually Saturday either, but she wanted it to be, so it was a saturday. Nopony else got a say in the matter.

“Heya Twilight.” She heard a familiar country pony say.

Twilight cracked an eye open. “Hello Applejack. Who told you to stop bucking apples?”

“Well, I do own the farm, so I can stop whenever I want.” Applejack said.

“Hmm, remind me to change that later.” Twilight eased back into her luxurious lounge chair.

“Uh, sure thang.” Applejack hesisteted before continuing. “You know, I’ve been thinkin-”

“A noble effort. Ponies should think more often.” Twilight interrupted her orange comrade to commend.

“Yeah, well, I’ve been thinkin about this human problem. I wonder if we’re goin about this the right way.”

Twilight cranked her chair back into the sitting position. She willed a pair of sunglasses onto her nose for the express purpose of tilting them down incredulously.

“Are you suggesting, my simple and naive friend, that I’m wrong?”

“Uh, not you in specific.” Applejack sweated. Twilight didn’t react well to perceived slights. “But I was thinkin maybe the slaughter of every human that gets into Equestria is a bad case of groupthink.”

“Listen Applejack, I know you read words like ‘groupthink’, and believe you can rock that in intelligent conversation, but really all that’s going on is I tell ponies who to hate, and they do it.”

“These humans are coming willingly, takin the abuse you heap on them, perform backbreaking and pretty often lethal work for us, leave when their visas expire, and come right back!” Applejack insisted. “Why would they do something like that?”

“Because they are an inferior species, and their tiny brains are overwhelmed by the grace and beauty of the pony form and mind.” Twilight said. “Be serious now. What are they good for except digging massive and pointless holes, and kindling the obtrusively large signal fires I use to talk to Luna?”

“Maybe you could try talkin to one?” Applejack said. “I know ya consider it a cruel form of torture, considerin you saddled Rarity with that job at the rift, but I see they’re just as clever as ponies. They don’t deserve to be horribly burned!”

“I talk to humans all the time!” Twilight countered. “I visit the salt mines every week to tell the humans how stupid they are and how bad their work is. It cheers them right up.”

“This ain’t right! None a this is right at all!” Applejack shook her head. “Alla this needs to stop.”

“I’ll make a bet with you, and if you win I’ll stop enslaving and or burning all the humans i let into Equestria.” Twilight relented.

“Yur on!” Applejack agreed.

“Here.” In a crackle of energy, a human male appeared beside Twilight. “This is Miguel. Isn’t that a nice name? Came up with it myself. He’s yours now.” Twilight shoved the lanky human towards Applejack, and he stumbled at her hooves.

Applejack jumped backwards. “W-What? Twilight I don’t want a human!”

“Too bad! If you can tolerate a human for a month and come back to me and tell me honestly that slavery and horrible death isn’t the right choice, you win. If you kill him, or you discover just how useful having an uncomplaining, totally loyal slave is, I win. Also, please don’t break or sleep with him if you plan on giving him back. Miguel!”

Miguel had quickly scrambled to his feet, standing at rigid attention for Twilight.

“Miguel, Applejack is your new overlord. Got that?”

Avoiding direct eye contact, Miguel nodded slowly.

“See how good of a boy he is? He’ll probably talk for you, if you let him. I won’t even harvest him for organs.” Twilight angled her lounge chair back down. “So long, Applejack!”

“Gosh dang it.” Applejack murmured. She was pretty sure this pale tribe of human didn’t have names like Miguel. “Well come on then. I’ll see if there’s anyplace in the barn with you.”

With a last lingering look at Twilight, Miguel stumbled after her.

Author's Note

Addendum:

Why?