“Woah, hold the phone Becky. That was so not the door to the bathroom.”

I spin around in awe as I take in my surroundings. It’s slightly difficult since I’m in what seems to be a broom cupboard, but it’s an awe inspiring broom cupboard.
And that is because It was made out of a distinctive blue crystal.

“Holy shit! I’m Twilight Sparkle’s utility closet!”

“wha-” I hear a muffled yell from somewhere distant. The sound of hooves on stone and mumbled swears get louder. “another mother-bucking human’s gotten in my pantry I swear to god I’m gunna punt his buckin teeth in through his”
The cupboard door is ripped open and I spill out along with a half-dozen brooms.

I’m on my back among the dustpans, looking up into the irate eyes of purple pony princess Twilight Sparkle.

“Oh my GOOOOOOOOOOD!” I shriek in exultation. “Twiiiiiilight! I’m your biggest fan!”

She stares at me in terse silence for several seconds. “oh no”

“ohmygosh ohmygosh OHmyGOSH, I can’t believe I finally get to meet you!” I leap to my feet so I can immediately begin jumping up and down. “I heard about the portals but they were always, like, a couple states away and I never had enough gas money and even then I was like, eh, passports are expensive and-” I gulp for breath. “I’m HEEEERE! In Equestria!!”

Twilight’s expression has now become utterly unreadable. “I suppose it was inevitable that a female of your species would eventually get in. I hoped, vainly it seems now, that I would want to do anything other than tear my own ears off upon hearing you speak.”

“I, like, seriously can’t believe this is happening.” I’m jumping so much I’m overheating. But I can’t spare one moment. “Okay okay okay.”

Twilight is starting to frown. “please stop

I stop bouncing. Of course! She’d want to know everything about me, her biggest fan EVAR!

“You’re probably wondering why-”

“I’m really not.”

“-I’m dressed like this-”

“it’s obviously a costume.”

“I was like, at a con, and I wanted to go as a super-destiny sorcery girl, but also as a maudlin vampire, but not as slutty as last year because last year I got preggers and that was so lame but I named the baby SUNSHINE BLOSSOMS and oh my gooood, he’s going to be the cutest little gentlecolt at school-”

Twilight was staring into space. “Every day we stray further from god’s light.”

“so as a compromise I went as a vampire sailor scout, but also as a crow holding a knife, like, have you seen those pictures of birds and stuff holding knives? It’s so cool! But I lost the knife I think, so I’m just a vampire sailor scout, but also one who's totally not cool with nonconsensual sex.”
I’m getting so hot I’m fanning myself, but I just can’t stop talking! What if Twilight doesn’t hear everything lol?

“did you just- did you just think ‘lol’.” Twilight is whisper quiet.

“-and you’ll never guess who I shipped you with. RARITY! Because she’s searching for a prince but you’re a princess, and like what’s the difference lmao! And also with Rainbow Dash, because she’s fast, and you’re a princess, and like what’s the difference lmao! Also Luna because she’s a princess, and you’re a princess, and opposites attract! Do you believe love can bloom on the battlefield? Would you do it with Spike? I mean, just asking lol!”

Twilight is trying to stuff me back in the broom cupboard.

“My best friend thinks you’re a marxist, but I’ve always had you down as a utopian anarchist. Do you think Lenin was onto something with national delimitation, or are ethnic divides just constructions of the bourgeoisie? What’s your favorite kind of ice cream? Lemme guess…” My brain has started to melt. “STIGMATA!”

~~

Twilight is left alone at the pantry, regarding the corpse of an androgynously gendered human in a tutu. “I see now why the males keep trying to escape into Equestria.”

Author's Note

Why?