I'll spare you the details of our terribly exciting walk to Sweet Apple Acres. Suffice it to say, the orchard was hella big. Oh, and Applejack's house looked like something straight out of the 1950's. Not that that's a bad thing, mind you.

"That's our house, mister! Do ya like it?!" said Applebloom bouncing in excitement and pointing a little finger at said house, her big eyes looking at me in anticipation.

"It's... quaint."

Applebloom blinked. "What's 'kuwaint' mean?"

"Means I like it."

Her adorable face broke into an adorable smile. "Oh, okay then!" she then bounded towards the house, humming a merry tune along the way, leaving me alone with Applejack.

We walked in awkward silence, and I had no intention to break it. Thankfully, Applejack seemed to be thinking along the same line.

Applebloom was waiting for us at the entrance. "Hurry up, mister! Granny and Big Mac have been waitin' to meet you!" she took my hand and slammed open the door, tugging me along into the house. These earth ponies, man. They're pretty freaking strong, even the little ones like Applebloom.

She led me through the rustic but tastefully decorated interior and into a living room.

Anyways, right after we got there, I was greeted by Applejack's family. Granny Smith, a portly old lady with a screechy voice; and Big Mackintosh, who was freakin' huge and whose means of communication was mostly limited to 'eeyup' and 'nope'. Not the greatest conversationalist, but at least he seemed like a decent fellow.

Something I quickly learned about the Apple family, they really did take their apples seriously. There were all kinds of apple based goodies made in anticipation of my arrival. Apple pie, apple tarts, apple turnovers, apple bread, apple cider, apple salad, apple cookies, apple stew, goddamn that's a lot of apples!

And then for the kicker, little Applebloom looked at me with a smile and those big, innocent eyes, telling me in that annoyingly sweet voice of hers that the whole family, even her own widdle self, had participated in making all the dishes in preparation for my arrival. Kind of made me want to hug the little tyke, but that would be unmanly and awkward, so I didn't. That, and the fact that I'd only known her for less than an hour and I did not want to come off as some child-hugging weirdo.

I have to say, that there kind of humbled me a little. And, in turn, it kind of depressed me a little as well. Why? Because ponies are strictly vegetarian. Seriously, they can't even eat meat without getting sick; that means no more steak, no more fall-off-the-bone baby backs, no more fried chicken, burgers, sausage, tacos or anything else that makes life worth living. Fuck my life.

Well, I said the necessary pleasantries and after that was done, the four of us sat down to partake in the veritable feast. It was gooood. We ate and made polite conversation, though Applejack stayed mostly silent.

Still, the good times couldn't last and after we were done eating and the plates were cleared away(I helped a bit), it was time to go to work. Being a farm, there was no shortage of stuff to do at Sweet Apple Acres. Granny Smith and Applebloom would do the lighter chores around the house while Big Mackintosh(or Big Mac, as he preferred to be called) and Applejack took care of the heavier workload.

Now, it was expected of me to help around but even so, Granny Smith, being the awesome old lady that she is, asked me if I was not too tired from the train ride here and if I was, then I would be allowed to take the day off to rest. Hoo, boy! I was more than tempted to take her up on the offer, but Applejack was standing right behind the kooky old lady and man, that look she was giving me, it's like she dared me to say no.

Okay, at this point I was getting fed up with her pissy attitude. Sure, I could have taken Granny Smith up on her offer but I would be damned if I let some grouchy, backwoods yokel look down on me. And so, no matter how much it pained me, no matter how much my inner slacker yelled at me 'No! Don't do it, man! For the love of all that is good and holy, don't do it!' I gritted my teeth and politely declined the offer, telling Granny Smith I was pumped up for work.

Her face broke out into a beaming smile. "Well! Good for you, sonny. It does my old bones good to see there is some young folk left who do not shy from hard work."

I chuckled uneasily, wondering if I should have kept my big, fat mouth shut. "Not a problem, ma'am," I said, waving a hand. "You opened your home to me and you went to a lot of trouble to make me feel welcome." That wasn't a lie. She really had. "Really, it's the least I could do to say thank you."

She smiled warmly at me and gave my arm an affectionate squeeze. "My, my. You're a good colt. I can tell, you are goin' to fit right in."

She turned to Applejack. "AJ take this nice young 'un and show him how we Apples harvest apples," she giggled at her joke.

Applejack's eye twitched. "Uh. I dunno, granny. Can't Big Mac show 'im instead?"

Granny Smith waved a hand. "Nonsense! Your brother has already started with his work. Besides, it would do you good to spend some time with other colts your age. If you ask me, it's about darn time you find a special somepony!"

Applejack's eyes shot open and she ducked her face away, tipping down the brim of her hat to cover her face. "G-granny! Honestly, you..." she muttered under her breath and eventually looked at me. She sighed, possibly in defeat and said. "Come on, then, slicker. Let's see what we can make of you."

I bade one last thank you to Granny Smith and followed Applejack outside. She led us in silence to a section of the apple orchard in which there were various straw, possibly handmade baskets and a few carts for hauling.

"Alright, slick, here's how's it all gonna go. Imma get up and collect the apples in them there baskets. When they're full, you stack 'em in the carts and when those are full, you haul them ta the barn and unload them. Then bring the carts back and do it all over again."

Okay, just carrying and pulling stuff. That's not too bad, right? "Alright, let's get started!" I said briskly, clapping my hands.

Applejack smirked. "Try and keep up, why don'tcha."

Aaand what did she mean by that? I got a... strangely ominous feeling. Anyway, Applejack went and took out a ladder in one of the carts. She propped it against a nearby tree and took off her boots. When that was done, she then climbed up and hooooolyyyyyy shiiiiiiiiet! Dat ass!

…

Gah! No! Don't do it man! There's plenty of cute mares out there to ogle and I don't even wanna think what Applejack will do to me if she catches me trying to sneak a peek. No, that just won't do; so I looked anywhere but in her direction, taking the time to appreciate the sheer size of the orchard while the pony worked on filling up the baskets.

I was only able to look around for less than a minute before I heard Applejack's rich, southern twang. "Hey, slicker! Stop loafin' and git to work!"

I sighed and looked towards the irascible girl and...

...da fuq?

Right where Applejack had been was now a basket, full to the brim with apples. Applejack had already moved on and was working another tree with ridiculous skillz, plucking the fruits at a lightning fast pace and tossing them over her shoulder where they all landed neatly on the basket.

I stared dumbstruck at the spectacle and no sooner had Applejack finished and already starting the next tree that she looked at me with a smug smile and said, "Oi! Get going!"

I blinked stupidly before registering her words and got to work. I bent down to get a good grip on the basket and heaved. Oof. Kinda heavy. I walked over to the nearby cart and plopped the basket down and when I turned, Applejack was again working on another tree. This girl is a machine!

That was pretty much how things went. Applejack filled the baskets at an ungodly speed while I struggled to catch up. When the cart was full, Applejack pointed me in the direction of the barn, so I went and wow, that sonuvabitch was heavy! It was one of those carts with handles stretching out on either side and connected at the end so if I chose to, I could pull it or get in between the handles and push. Neither method was particularly easy. Now, I was not the most active guy around. Sure, I worked out every other day and there was some definitive muscle mass in my body. Didn't make much of a difference.

Well, by the time I got to the barn(was it about ten minutes or a few hours? Could've been either way) I was sweating like a pig and my poor legs were ready to give out. My stomach hurt and the heat was giving me a headache. Nevertheless, I pushed on. I unloaded the cart and man, those baskets seemed to have tripled in weight. Fuckin' apples, conspiring against me. When that was done, I hauled the cart back to the grove and when I got there, the sight before me almost made me cry.

Every single apple tree; every... single... fucking... one of them, was picked clean with full baskets near the trunks. My eye twitched... violently, and then a series of chuckles rang out. I slowly craned my head to look at Applejack, munching on one of those accursed fruits and leaning against a tree, her eyes glinting maliciously.

"Whassa matter, sugarcube? Yer not about to back out on me, are you?"

Dang. I had no idea how long I stood there watching her. What I do know is that my jaw clenched, my sphincter clamped shut and my whole body trembled with rage. Just where the hell did this girl get off tormenting me?! No, seriously, why is she being such a bitch?

Whatever the case, I knew I couldn't lose my cool at this moment. Oh, ho, ho; it was tempting, believe me but I was currently in her house, her land, her domain and if she chose to, she could make life very miserable for me. So once again I swallowed my pride and put on a convincing smile. "Of course not. I'm just getting started."

I then ignored her and got to work, humming a jaunty melody while picking up another basket and ignoring my arms' agonized screams. Applejack stopped chewing on the apple and her smile faded a little. Her eyebrow arched as she watched me work and me, I just did my best to pretend she wasn't there.

After a few moments watching me work, she snorted. "Alright, slicker, I'll just leave ya to it." She tossed the apple over her shoulder and made her way towards me. "And try not to hurt youself. Best you keep in good shape..." Huh. Is she worried about me? "...because there's a whole lot more work waitin' after today." Tch. Figures.

She clapped me on the shoulder with her freakish earth pony strength, went to pick up her boots and set off to who knows where, leaving me all alone. Well, on the bright side, she was gone. On the downside, she was probably gonna go cook up some more fresh hell for me. But that was future me's problem; he should be able to handle it, maybe. With that in mind, I went over to the nearest basket, wanting to just get the work over with and lifted. There was a splintering sound, numerous thuds and apples rolling in all directions. I looked over and saw a gaping hole on the basket's underside.

...

Fuck my life.

One and a half hours later and my body was sore and soaking with sweat all over. I was hauling the last of the cargo towards the barn; just one last basket of apples, thankfully. Anyway, during the trips I made, I spotted a small, clean pond off into the distance.

...

Oh, what the hell. I'd been busting my ass getting this work done, surely it's not too much to ask to take a few minutes to cool off? Whatever, it's freaking hot and I'm covered in sweat and dirt. I made my way over and took off my clothes, leaving them by a massive oak tree that shaded the whole pond, keeping only my underwear on. I slipped into the water and ohhhh, baby; I swear, every pore in my body just orgasmed at the same time. I giggled like a maniac and splashed about, revelling in the feel of the cool water. Ah, it was nice. Just me by myself, alone, with no one around.

"It really is nice," I mumbled to no one in particular.

Imagine my surprise when a voice giggled right behind me. "What's nice?"

...

...

...

Okay, okay, just take it easy. That's not Applejack's voice. Too peppy and squeaky. I slowly turned around and was greeted to the sight of a very wet, very pink and very naked earth pony mare. Has she been there the whole time? Aaaand she's staring at me. Why is she staring at me? And why does she have that smile on her face? Uhh, shhhhoot. What am I supposed to do here? Oh, right she asked me something, didn't she?

I gulped and forced myself to look at her face and only her face. It's times like these that I'm envious of stallions. They get aroused just like humans, yes but they can also choose when to let their you-know-what's out of their sheaths and out for everyone to see. Lucky bastards. Me, no such luck.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not entirely unfamiliar with the opposite sex. This is Equestria, after all; and in case that doesn't mean much to you, let me clarify by stating that Equestria is the kind of place where you actually have to try to keep your chastity intact. Even in Manehattan, you see plenty of mares going around in the buff and, having grown up in Equestria, I am more desensitized to this kind of thing.

But, you know... I am still a guy.

And a human.

And a teenager.

And no matter how much practice I may have controlling myself, there are simply times when your body overrides all higher thought processes and does what it was meant to do.

Which is why I forced myself to look only at her face. Her very cute face. I did not look at the way numerous water droplets cascaded from her impossibly curly hair and into her soft, pudgy body. And I most certainly did not look at the way those droplets made their way over, under and around her bountiful breasts, nor the way they clung to her taut, perky nipples. Nope. I stared at her face and at her face only.

"The... water. It's nice," I said in a slightly choked voice.

She nodded enthusiastically. "It sure is! Especially on a hot day like this! And ice! That's nice too! Especially when you put it in lemonade with lots and lots of sugar! Ooh, but not limeade. Those are not as sweet and are more tart. I really like sweet stuff, you know. In fact, I like it so much that I even got a job at Sugarcube Corner! It's the bestest job in the world because I get to talk to ponies all day and make all kinds of goodies and give them to ponies and watch the smiles on their faces when they take a bite of the food I make and it's the bestest, most splendiferous feeling in the world! Ooh, ooh, and parties! I'm the best party throwerer in Ponyville and I've thrown parties for all Ponyville ponies but you're not a pony and when I saw you I just knew I had to come and say hi! Hi, my name is Pinkie Pie! What's yours?"

...

"U-um..."

She tilted her head to the side, still smiling that damnably cute smile. "Um? That's not a name, silly. It's a sound. Ooh, but you're a human, aren't you? Do humans call themselves by sounds instead of names? Does that mean that there are humans called Ooh or Ah or Eh or Eep or Op..."

Okay, I pretty much tuned out everything she said after that. Why is that, you may ask? Well, because the more she talked, the more excited she seemed to get. And the more excited she seemed to get, the more she began to bounce in place. Everything that was her bouncing and... bouncing and... moving and... jiggling and... wow. Just... wow, trust me on this.

...

"...and then I said, 'Oatmeal? Are you crazy!?'" She paused to take in a great gulp of air and just looked at me with that smile in an expectant manner.

Uhh, what should I say?

"So, do you make it a habit to sneak up on stallions who are bathing? You're not some sort of pervert, are you?"

Gotta give props to this girl. Her poker face was impeccable. That, or she's oblivious, because she still stared at me with that happy smile and shook her head. "Nopety nope."

Well, so much for that. Whatever. If she's got some business with me or something, I'm just gonna wait until she comes out and says it. Or, I could just leave. Yeah, let's go with that.

"Well, Pinkie Pie, it's been a pleasure but unfortunately, I must cut this meeting short 'cause I got a lotta work to get back to." And with that in mind, I started to wade my way out. Oh, wait. I'm wearing nothing but my underwear right now.

...

Meh, whatever. If she wants to get a good look, then so be it.

"Ooh, wait! Are you that human that's staying with Applejack?"

Hoooold it!

I turned to face the deliciously pudgy pink pony. "I am, yes. Why? Are you friends with Applejack?"

She nodded vigorously. "Uh-huh. Me and Applejack are super duper friends! And we are also super duper friends with our other friends! Their names are Rainbow Dash and Rarity and Fluttershy and Twi..." I silenced her by placing a finger on her lips, causing Pinkie to blink in confusion.

So, this Pinkie Pie was good friends with Applejack as well, huh? Gotta imagine, if Applejack really told this girl about my imminent arrival, Pinkie should have an inkling that maybe Applejack was not too happy to have me here. And yet, Pinkie has been very open and friendly with me. Hmm, this gives me an idea.

...

Yes. Yes!

I withdrew my finger from her lips and put on my best sheepish look. "A-ah. Sorry about that."

Pinkie giggled and waved a hand dismissively. "No problemo."

Good, good.

"So, Pinkie, tell me a little bit about yourself," I said pleasantly.

"Cupcakes!"

Uhh. "Cup... cakes?" I parroted.

"Mm-hmm. Cupcakes are my favorite food, especially when they are fresh out of the oven. They're warm and sweet and tasty and they're the best thing to eat in the world!" All of a sudden, her eyes popped open and she let out a happy gasp. "Ooh, I know! You should totally come to Sugarcube Corner and help me make cupcakes someday! We'll have lots of fun and then we can eat them and after that, I can introduce you to my friends and I'm sure they'll be delighted to meet you!" And she still looked at me with that happy smile, her shining blue eyes looking at me expectantly.

I put a hand to my chin and pretended to think it over. "Hmm. That does sound lovely, Pinkie. But I'm gonna be very busy helping Applejack with the chores at the farm. I probably won't have much free time to hang out with you."

Damn. Pinkie's reaction was a bit unsettling. She let out a small, little 'oh' and then, I swear to God, she literally seemed to deflate a bit. Even her hair! Aw, shoot, now I feel bad. Did she really want to make cupcakes with me that much? Well... I suppose I can find some free time, eventually. Goddamn conscience.

I waded my way over to her and put an arm around her shoulders, making sure to speak in a cheery, reassuring tone. "Hey, now! None of that. Sure, maybe I can't do that right now, but I'm sure I can find time to spend with my new friend!"

Her attitude did a complete one eighty, as did her hair. These ponies, man. I just don't get them sometimes.

"R-really? You want to be friends?" She was looking at me as if the answer would either make or break her sanity.

"Yes."

"Yay! I made a new friend! I love making new friends!" She accentuated her actions by pulling me into a tight, full body hug. Now, keep in mind, she is completely naked while all I'm wearing is a pair of underwear.

...

...

Supple and bouncy...

...

...in all the right places.

And all this close contact with a cute female is causing me a certain... dilemma. I pulled out of her embrace, chuckling awkwardly. "Yeah. Hu-hurray for... friends," I said lamely.

Well, now that that was over with, I continued to engage Pinkie in small talk and boy, was she a handful; always switching from topic to topic at the drop of a hat, which was quite bothersome considering I wanted to focus her attention on a few choice topics. Which topics, you may ask? Why, Appejack of course. Why Applejack? Well, you'll just have to wait and find out, now won't you? For the moment, all you need to know is that I started working on a... contingency plan, should Applejack keep on being insufferable.

For the moment, I'll keep on being polite to my most gracious host, but I swear to God and Celestia and Luna and maybe even Cthulhu that if her disposition keeps on being bitchy, I will be forced to take... preventative measures. And of course, the first rule of war is know thy enemy; something with which Pinkie had been a huge help with. Heh. You know what? She's actually a fun sort. Random and unpredictable. Keeps things interesting. I made full well on my promise to help her with her cupcake thingies and was actually looking forward to it.

But I've wasted enough time as it is. Applejack will probably be pissed that I took so long to get back, but given the veritable mountain of ammunition I just gained, I'd say it was worth it. And with that in mind, I bade goodbye to Pinkie Pie with the promise of a bake date. I got out of the pond and made for my clothes, and don't think I didn't notice Pinkie's eyes flickering down there, if only for a split second.

Before I had a chance to put on my clothes, Pinkie decided to jump out and give me an extra long, extra tight hug before dashing away in the blink of an eye. Again, I just don't get these ponies. Anyway, I gathered my clothes and, after making sure no one was around, I made towards a cluster of bushes that were big enough to hide me from sight. Now, if you will all give me some privacy, I need to go and take care of a... problem.

Author's Note

What dastardly schemes could our protagonist have in store for Applejack? Tune in next week and find out.