Chapter 2 (Edited)

Dear Diary,

I awoke in that tiny cottage, sorer than I had ever been. I’m making a mental note right now to never sleep on floorboards, I would have been better off sleeping outside, even if there were bears or tigers or lycanthropes or whatever seeks haven in this fucked up world. According to the clock, that looked to be powered by fairy farts or something, it was about nine o’clock A.M when I awoke from my restless slumber. I mean, when I looked at the clock, it had no mechanism that was shown, and when I shook it a little it appeared to be hollowed out. Oh, and something that I didn’t have a problem with yesterday, but is going to kill me today is that damn sun. Fuck the sun and all its shine. It will take me ages to adjust to that damn star in the sky, but if that was my only problem, then I would have been pretty well off, but unfortunately that’s not the case.

As soon as I stood up, and inevitably hit my head on that chandelier that Fluttershy keeps there for those birds and their incessant chirping, I got to see everybody’s favorite equine, Twilight Sparkle. Talking to her is like a drain, even though whenever I try and say something she thinks I’m saying something else. All she does is condescend me, I have a brain, I speak your language…are you deaf? Whatever, but basically she said that she talked to a Princess Celestia about me, and that I wasn’t yet to be completely trusted. Again, I get it, but do you know what they wanted me to go and do to prove that I was to be trusted. They saw my massive size, so they must have thought, “Oh this guy is super tough, and can fight really well.” I can fight somewhat well, but that’s only other humans, and even then I tend to just tackle and knee drop them in the genetailia and then run. However, even more common than that I just ignore my oppressor or walk away. Despite all that I have said to friends and classmates, I really am a pacifist. But, since this is apparently the only way to prove that I won’t go on a homicidal rampage or something, they want me to go out and face a…well I don’t remember what it was called, but when I saw it, it looked like a velociraptor, but about half the size of one. It came up to my waist when I approached it.

It was around midday when I walked into fuckthatforest to hunt this creature with nothing but the clothes on my back and my bare hands. I was fucked from the beginning. With that being said, if I died from the encounter I wouldn’t be writing this, but how I went about this was a matter of pure fortune and infortune. “You’ve always had the luck of the Irish.” They would always tell me. I’m not even Irish! That phrase never meant anything to me, I was never all that lucky, but when I walked into that damn forest, within twenty minutes I found that creature they were speaking of. It stood to my waist, and had razor sharp teeth and talons. This is the part where you would think that I valiantly charged at it, breaking its neck before it could lay a finger on me. Nope, this is far from a fairy tale, I high tailed it to a tree, and prayed that it could not climb, and my prayers were answered when it just stood at the base of the tree, and looked up at me, the longing for my flesh well within its eyes.

That’s when I committed the cardinal sin of tempting fate, and started taunting the damn thing. It looked up at me with hatred in its eyes, or maybe it was hunger…either way it had an emotion in its eyes that would not end well for me. That’s about the time I heard the branch that I was sitting on start to break. When it did break, I fell for a while, but something broke my fall, and thank god it did because I was falling for upwards twenty feet. It was that…dinosaur…yeah, I’m just going to call it a dinosaur. I landed right on its head and snapped its neck with relative ease. Two hundred pounds plus twenty feet equals a dead dinosaur apparently. That’s not to say I walked off without injury. It was actually somewhat severe, I landed and broke my leg on a rock…and the creature itself, and pulled some muscles in my arms. I’m feeling much better now, with the help of magic because in this world Vicodin and Tylenol are apparently not things.

How did I get back to Ponyville? A very valid question. Well, after crawling for about an hour I ran into this annoying ass zebra, at least I thought it was a zebra. The creature had stripes like a zebra, so I’m assuming she was a zebra. Her name was Zecora, and as soon as she started speaking exclusively in rhyme I wanted to ring her neck and cook her over a spit. I mean, who the fuck speaks exclusively in Rhyme, it’s unheard of! Until now I suppose, but I do not approve of this silliness. I asked her why she spoke in rhyme, and she didn’t know what I was talking about. I’m getting ahead of myself though. When I saw her, she was wearing a brown leather hood concealing her face and nearly everything about her. She saw me crawling, and I called out to her for her to help me, and she did. She ended up leading me to this one cottage in the middle of the woods and set me up on a wooden bed from within. She patched me up by putting this weird brew on me. It was cold and had the consistency of cottage cheese, but it made me feel much better, as for my arm, she just put it in a sling and I was walking…with a limp. She said it would be a few days before I would be able to walk and run perfectly again and that I should take it easy. It felt good though for someone to not treat me with complete and utter contempt or unbridled fear. For a zebra that speaks exclusively in rhyme though, she was nice enough, and with her having knowledge of voodoo and the dark arts, so I would assume, she was quite helpful.

That’s when I remembered I had to bring back proof of the kill, a claw, a tooth, something. I am not a lot of things, but one thing I am is an over achiever so I “borrowed” some rope from Zecora and limped over to where that dinosaur...raptor, thing was and tied the rope around its snout, and left some rope left over so I could drag, and god damn was that thing heavier than it looked. It took me at least two or three hours to drag it back to Ponyville, and when I got there I felt like a badass, but in hindsight I probably looked more like a cat bringing a dead rat to its owner.

It was beginning to stink, and left a thin trail of blood behind it. Dragging this beast behind me made me realize something very important. I hadn’t eaten in a day and a half! That raptor was looking rather delicious the more I thought about it, but then the thought that if these beasts were anything like the horses from my world than they would all be vegetarians, and eating any type of meat would be taboo. On the other hand it was not an innocent beast and had been terrorizing ponies at night. I shrugged off my hunger and walked to what looked like town square, and laid the beast down, and sat down next to it. The other ponies that were looking upon me were horrified, but I didn’t get it. This was the thing that had destroyed crops, eaten livestock, and more than likely ate a few ponies that ended up in fuckthatforest. I thought they would have been happy that it had been slain. I shrugged off their gazes, and drifted off to sleep, for I was rather exhausted after all of that nonsense.

When I woke up, it was that purple uni…pega….until I learn what the fuck to call her, I’m calling her a pegacorn, and I have this weird feeling I’m going to feel stupid when I learn what it’s called in actuality. Twilight Sparkle essentially said that I should not just lay out in town square with a corpse, and that I was a lunatic and an idiot, and all of that. However, I did earn some points, because she said she was grateful that this beast had been taken care of. She asked me how I went about doing it as she used her magic or something to pick it and me up. I told her I charged it head on, tackled it and broke its neck. She asked me how I messed up my arm, and I told her I hurt myself dragging the damn thing here. I really hope she never reads this.

Twilight Sparkle seems to be of a very high intelligence, and even wisdom, but she seems to be kind of gullible as well. I am not the best liar, and she believed me, I was kind of surprised when she did. Then I got depressed when she told me that I would be in charge of removing “problems” from the community and that forest. I’m going to talk to her tomorrow that I’m going to need something more than just my bare hands. A sword, a crossbow, a normal bow, a fucking butter knife would be better than nothing.

She also said that I had a long day, and it was the evening and that I shouldn’t go back to Fluttershy’s home since it was way too small for me. Apparently they had made arrangements for me to be staying in Applejack’s barn, and that’s where I’m writing this. On a workbench, in a barn, around ten o’clock P.M. I suppose I should retire, and I have only one thought on my mind. I am going to be extremely sore in the morning.