Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Today, well, I don’t know how to describe today’s events. They were far from the norm, and that’s accounting from how far from the norm typical life is here in comparison to life on Earth.

I suppose it would be beneficial to anyone who may read this, if I start from the beginning. It all started when I awoke around nine P.M, it was hotter than usual this morning, as the sun beatted down on me like the heaviest of bass drums, and all the ponies were definitely taking note of it. Most ponies who would normally be out, having fun, or doing their daily activities are inside. As for those who must work outside, they were pretty much jumping from spot of shade to spot of shade. I found myself doing the same, as I made my way back to Sugar Cube Corner to see if they had anything for me to do over there. A guy has to eat doesn’t he?

When I got there, the great, majestic, and probably coked up, Pinkie Pie was waiting around, and not really doing much of anything since no one was within the bakery at the time. However, there was a blue pegasus with a rainbow mane that I had not seen before. I, for once in my miserable semi-antisocial life, decided I ought to introduce myself. Considering the rough temperament of her mane, and how she was conversing with Pinkie Pie, I thought her to be somewhat like well...Pinkie Pie. Just slightly less hyper, and with less of an erratic speech pattern. She seemed a bit more adventurous than the typical pony, clearly energetic, but far more reserved than Pinkie Pie.

When I approached her, I simply said, “Hello.” To which she looked at me with dilated pupils and kinda had a small freak out, before calming herself down. Turns out she had been gone for the past week in some other town, so she wouldn’t have known that I had recently taken residence in Ponyville.

When she finished her initial reaction to having just seen me, she landed, as she had been hovering in the air. She began to walk laps around me, and examining me as a dog would its new owner, and Pinkie Pie introduced us. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, why do I have this aching feeling that these two are more than friends, and I don’t mean best friends forever.

I must admit though, I took an immediate liking to Rainbow Dash, and to be perfectly frank I hope she took a liking to me. It may be that she’s a pegasus which has always been my favorite of the mythological beasts, especially if we are talking about Greek mythology, maybe it’s because she is one of the few ponies here without an extremely high pitched voice. Maybe it’s because she’s a batshit crazy speed demon. I’m deciding on which...probably the latter two.

Seriously though, when Pinkie and her were talking, all Rainbow Dash was talking about was breaking something called the rainbow barrier or something. I suppose that is the equivalent of the sound barrier, and if that is the case, that is very impressive. Any organism on my world that even tried to break that, by moving their body that fast would probably end up killing themselves in the process.

When we spoke though, it ended up being about what I was. I have had this conversation way too many times. I basically told her that I was human, an organism from planet earth, and I ended up here, because fuck knows why. She accepted the answer, and honestly it was rather humorous how I answered her now that I’m looking back on it. We of course spoke about racing, and I got extremely nerdy and started talking about breaking the sound barrier and the physics and math behind it, in a vain hope that she would be able to say, “Oh yeah, I know what that is.” Nope! Are any laws of physics on earth applicable here...aside from gravity of course.

While we were talking, Pinkie Pie had wandered off into the back room and came back with a package that was to be delivered to a Princess Luna in a city named...God dammit! Why the fuck do all the cities in this god damn world have to puns about horses! Canterlot. Fucking Canterlot. I was laughing hysterically when I first heard the name of it, but still. Can we just have one city that isn’t a pun? Just one...please.

So, yeah, today I got to meet royalty, but allow me to elaborate on the situation. When I got on the train that was to go to that city, I ended up having a train car all to myself. Partially a light load, and also, some ponies who hadn’t seen me were absolutely terrified. I must admit, it’s pretty fucking awesome to have a train car all to yourself.

Didn’t make the ride any less long and arduous though. Again, the place was designed for Equines and not for humans so it makes it hard to be anywhere inside comfortably. It also didn’t help that whatever was in that package smelled really good. I did get to see a few things that were of interest. Such as a rather large farm growing some strange looking produce. Also a small town that looked to be a ghost town, but considering how few ponies were out today, I suppose someone could think that of Ponyville.

When I finally got to Canterlot, I saw one of the most gorgeous sites I had ever seen. Massive white walls, and a castle that could rival that of the most glorious kings of my world. I only had about two seconds of looking at it though before a few guards came and attacked me. Did no one send ahead that they were sending a non pony to deliver a package. I would have thought they would have sended me a note, maybe something attached to the package. Nope! Just a blank brown package.

They began to question me, and I felt like I had when I first arrived in Equestria, confused, persecuted, and a little moist. I tried explaining to them that I was sent from Ponyville by Pinkie Pie to deliver this directly to a Princess Luna. They didn’t believe me, and proceeded to take the package from me, and ripped it open, revealing very simply a gourmet pastry that I can’t describe. It was just so alien. It looked red, and was in a pyramid shape, and that’s about all I have words for.

After seeing that, one of the guards started staring at me, and I stared back at him. I tried telling them it was just something from Sugar Cube Corner, but nope they decided they would destroy it. This is what happens when you send an alien to deliver cake. They thought it would be best to drag me to this dank ass dungeon, but I never actually spent any time there, because when they were about to bring me there, Princess Celestia was making a public appearance as she did from time to time. Immediately she saw me and approached me. Princess Celestia was the only pony that I had seen so far that stood to my height, and probably weighed more than me. She had pristine white fur, and a mane that was made from the most calm of the colors on the rainbow. She had a massive wingspan, as well as a horn that easily trumps that of other unicorns. She quickly looked me over, and told the guards to let me go. That’s about the time I remembered that the pastry I was sent to deliver was left, trodden over near the gates at the train stop.

Princess Celestia told me to follow her, and of course I did. Where she led me was not a place that I expected to ever see. It was the throne room! She walked to her seat and sat upon it. There are a lot of things that I heard that I shrugged off, because I don’t see it as important...this I remember, almost word for word.

She said, “Twilight Sparkle told me about you.” She would speak her words in a very motherly tone, one that put me at ease, but was still authoritative. “You had gotten rid of that creature that was making trouble in the Everfree forest, yes?”

I answered her honestly, and said that I had killed it.

“What do you plan on doing within Equestria? I only ask this because if someone as alien as you are would live here, you must be doing something.”

I told her that I was sent to deliver a package from Sugar Cube Corner, but it was destroyed by those damn guards that dragged me in here.

“Well, seeing your current position, perhaps you could be of service to me, personally.”

I suppose she meant because I was wearing ragged clothes, I didn’t exactly smell my best, and looked pretty sickly. Also, being the pervert that I was, I thought that “servicing her personally” had something to do with sex. While she is purely majestic, I don’t do it with horses.

She walked over to me, and simply said that there was some pest in the dungeon of the castle, and that she has been too busy to take care of it, and she has completely neglected informing anyone who could handle this situation for the past two days or so, other than Fluttershy, but for some reason she could not calm the creature.

I agreed, I need the paycheck, or the bits, or whatever the fuck is going to happen after I go down there and get rid of whatever is in that dank dungeon. I could be paid in Slim Jims and Faygo and I would be happy at this point. Well, when I was escorted by some random guard down into the dungeon, I saw exactly what she was talking about, and that guard hightailed it out of this place.

There was but one creature down there, it had fangs the length of of my fore arm, and was easily the size of a car. The creature had thick brown fur, and its eyes were crimson red. It resembled a rat in form, but obviously much larger. I have this weird feeling that either Princess Celestia thinks I am a warrior of some sort, or is just trying to get rid of me. I hope it’s the former.

Unlike that raptor that I had an encounter with the other day, this thing seemed to be much more docile, just hungry. When I approached it, I did so cautiously, of course trying not to upset it as it could probably take my head off with a single swing of that hand which was adorned with razor sharp claws. When I did approach it though, it simply sniffed me and just looked at me. I touched it. Its fur was rather coarse despite its thickness. When I sat down in front of it, it sat with me. Apparently these prisoners had been complaining about it, and so were the guards, because this thing had been terrorizing them. It took a liking to me though. Maybe it just doesn’t like ponies.

Now, I have to say something about this dungeon. Despite how twee this world is, this is one of the most despicable prisons I’ve ever seen. Most of these ponies were starving, and sickly. One pony to a cell, and only a tiny slit to see through, with almost no light. They were all silent, as they were not allowed to speak. I wonder if the queen of this land knows about this, or if she was the who ordered this.

Oh my lord though the reaction to the guards as I led this thing up through the throne room, it was priceless. Princess Celestia started yelling at me for dragging this beast up into her throne room, and scaring the ever living donkey dildos out of all the guards and the ponies in her throne room...the last part of that was not in her exact words, but close enough.

I told her the creature was rather docile towards me, and I asked her if she, by chance had a saddle so that I could ride this thing. Everyone was aghast at the mention of a saddle. I wonder if these creatures were used as beasts of burden at any point. Perhaps, however, a saddle is a sexual thing. I dropped it immediately.

Princess Celestia said that she would have me and this creature escorted out of the city early in the morning tomorrow, before any ponies would be awake. In the meantime Willard, that is what I have named him by the way, is staying in a holding pen, and I am sleeping in one of the castle’s guest bedrooms. It’s been ages since I’ve been able to sleep in a bed, and I believe I will abuse that opportunity now.

It is at least one in the morning, and I hope tomorrow runs smoother than today.