Dear Diary,

I awoke this morning in complete and utter bliss. It was the first time I had slept in a real bed, and yes, I know I said that those makeshift hay beds I had been sleeping in were comfortable, but that was nothing compared to the guest quarters within the castle. It does make me wonder if I should finally get off my lazy ass and work on building a small cottage in Ponyville. I know I have been sickly lately, and perhaps sleeping in the barn among the beasts would be what’s causing that. That’s my guess, but what do I know? As far as logic is concerned I’m a high school dropout living among creatures, most of which most likely have the brain capacity of the average human...so not much. I shouldn’t insult though, honestly, I have no room to speak.

I mean, one evening when I was back on Earth I spent an hour and a half watching static on the television, thinking it was a television show. I wasn’t stoned or drunk, or anything. I simply watched it, and thought it was a television show. It was not a very proud time now that I’m thinking back to it.

Where was I? Oh yes! Upon waking up, and finding myself in those wondrous surroundings, made even better by the sun gleaming through the windows ever so slightly, I got a message from one of the guards. It basically said, you need to leave and take your damn rat with you. It was more elegant than that, but at that point in the morning, that’s basically what I read. I, being a somewhat decent guest thought that I should obey the guard, and walked down to the stables where my new friend awaited me. That’s about the point when I realized this thing was going to be some trouble. It had destroyed its pen, and injured one the guards tasked with containing it. Severe injuries they were not, however he did end up taking the rest of the day off to rest. All in all though, the Canterlot guard really do not like me. Well, them, and the millions of other people and ponies that do not care for me in our respective worlds. Oh well, if I cared about what other people thought of me, I’d be a mess at the bottom of the Empire State Building.

Upon leaving the walls, riding my giant rat, I came to realize something. There is no way in hell they are letting me on the train with this thing. Hell, they put up a fuss letting me on the train in the first place. They would probably get a firing squad to put me and this thing down if I tried that.

“It would probably be better to walk.” I thought to myself at the time, oh how wrong I was.

Despite how painfully twee this place is, it also has its monsters. Mostly creatures that you could find in a Dungeons and Dragons book. This place may as well be Faerun, except instead of humans and elves and the sort, they have ponies.

The first two hours of our hike went surprisingly well, until William, yes I named the rat William, if you have a fucking problem with that, you can go over to big black bubba at Texas state penitentiary, dressed as a woman, and spend about ten minutes in his cell, started moving slower and slower, and his stomach began growling. I was growing hungry as well, and we decided to go off the tracks that we were following back to Ponyville, and finally get some damn meat to eat. It has been too long since I’ve had meat or any variety.

After walking about a mile east of the tracks, we saw something rather gualing. It was a creature, a gryphon tearing apart a pony who had been walking around the wilderness. It was a bloody mess, and the gryphon was not phased by it. Me and William snuck up on it the best we could, and William was able to get one claw across its wing, tearing up the tissue. The Gryphon was not happy, and before I heard it mumble something in what sounded like actual English, it jumped at me and william.

Thank god for a little something I ‘borrowed’ from the castle. It was a steel shortsword, and I took it because I foresaw an encounter like this. However, I being the opposite of a dextrous individual was not able to draw the blade before that beast dug its claws into my leg, ripping it open in a rather grotesque display. William bit the beasts...genetalia, and the subsequant scream I heard afterwards made my blood curdle, and made me cringe. I then tried to take a swing at the beast with the blade I had stolen, and despite the creatures sharp talons it has a relatively weak exterior, as I was able to easily chop a gash into its side, forcing it to the ground. Was it luck? Hell if I know, but what I do know, is that it was hunger, and rage that drove me to jump atop the gryphon and shove my blade through its heart, and then down its throat.

I was satisfied with my work, and allowed William to eat first. No wonder the princess wanted this rat out of the dungeon. It was tearing the gryphon apart. There was hardly anything left of the damn thing when it was finished.

This is the point where I should have walked away, but I couldn’t let one thing rest on my conscious. I knew that pony was long dead, but I thought I ought to have brought it back to Ponyville, as I thought that perhaps someone there would know who it was. Also, I wouldn’t want to attract more beasts to an area so near general society. I had ignored the pain for too long though, as when I picked up the pony that was dead on the ground, I nearly collapsed from the wound that gryphon had delivered.

I tried crawling, I mean that’s what injured people did in movies and whatnot, it didn’t seem so hard, until I did it, and ended up smearing that crimson liquid all over the ground. After that damn rat stopped giggling it came over to me and let me climb atop its back, and we continued our journey. However, now I have a fucked up leg, and we get to enjoy the smell of rotting pony at all times. Fun!

It was around ten in the evening before we had finally made it back to the town, and out of a realistic fear of William being driven away, I ordered him to stay at a hill away from the road. As for me, I screamed for some help, and quickly out came Rainbow Dash, who started looking me over, and asking questions like, “What happened!? Where have you been?!” Questions like that and the sort. I explained that I had a bad encounter with a gryphon, and then she saw the dead pony that William had left next to me. That’s when I really had to explain.

I basically said, that the gryphon was feeding on it, before I killed the gryphon, and brought the pony’s body with me. There was a strange look in Rainbow Dash’s face. It was a look mixed with concern, fear, and a little bit of disgust.

“You, killed a gryphon by yourself?” She asked, looking at the wreck that was me, covered in dry blood, and with that wound in my leg.

I told her we would speak in more detail tomorrow, and if she could just bring me to a hospital that would be just fucking dandy. She dragged me to the hospital, and thank god I had that sword concealed or else there would be much more explaining to do.

Upon getting to the hospital I was admitted right away, and what they basically did was use something that I can only explain as magic to seal the wound. However, they said I might be in the hospital a few days. Fantastic! Oh well, I guess that means I won’t have to do any work on the town. However, I’ll need to alert someone of William. I need him to be okay.

It’s midnight, and I believe I shall retire for the evening. What the hell is going to happen in the damn hospital tomorrow?

Author's Note

This chapter wasn't very funny in retrospect, but that's what I get for writing a chapter of this while listening to Kontrust.