The Shadows of War

Something was wrong.

The ocean waves crashed around us. In the boat were my friends... Butter Bar hummed nervously, leg tapping on the ground over and over as he flicked a lighter on and off, over and over again. Sergeant Bubble Popper grinned at him and pulled out his Cigar, accepting a light and leaning back, well at ease. Shadow Step giggled, stuffing a rocket into the back of her launcher and slipping the whole thing into her sleeve, in blatant defiance of regulations. Iron Hoof hefted his BAR, inspecting it before he too put a sleeve over it to keep the saltwater and sand out. Those were a lethal cocktail for rapid-fire guns like his.

On my side of the boat, Silk inspected the contents of her pack and then grimaced as a soldier next to her heaved and threw up on the floor of the boat. My own nausea rose a bit, but I choked it down. Radio Wave smiled at me, but said nothing. The kid was eager to go, and I was glad to have him by my side. Always stay with the guy who can call in an airstrike or some one hundred and thirty three millimeter naval artillery.

Finally, Major Maple Leaf and Wire Tap sat three from the front. Much as she wanted to be first out, all six soldiers in those rows were unicorns who could cast kinetic barriers... but they knew they would die here. Two of them were in their middle ages, and all of them were 'volunteers', most of them willing. Their job was to shield us for the precious few seconds it would take to bail out of the front of the boat, and with any luck, they would help us by creating small bits of mobile cover up the beach.

“CLEAR THE RAMPS! THIRTY SECONDS!” shouted the coxswain, grinning as he maneuvered the boat towards the shore. All around us, the sounds of bullets and mortars zinging and banging reverberated in the walls, and a huge spray of water soaked all of us, causing Bubble Popper to curse a blue streak as he jammed the sodden cigar butt into his jacket and check the sub-machine gun he was carrying one last time. Next to me, Orange Blaze smiled and took my hand. “We're gonna be alright, as long as we stick together” she said, and I smiled and nodded back at her, although something still seemed off. Still, I used my own zippo to light her flamethrower. She swung it around, teeth set in an un-equine snarl as the engine revved down, and there was a jarring thunk.

The world slowed a bit as the ramp rapidly fell away, and the unicorns in front were mowed down before more than four of them had time to get shields up. The last two's shields flared, flickered, and then winked out as bullets found their marks, one of them screaming and thrashing in the bottom of the boat. There was still nearly thirty yards of water between us and shore!

Bullets filled the air, bullets on all sides. Orange Blaze swore and grabbed me. “Over the side! Over the side! I'll get you out of here!” she screamed, over and over as she bodily picked me up and threw me. For a moment, she was black as night with a dark mane and bat wings. Then I blinked, and she was orange again. A full moon filled the sky, and the land was bathed in an ethereal light as the sounds faded and dimmed.

As I stood in knee-deep water, the field around me shifted, sand and blood and water and bodies rushing past as I suddenly stood behind the sandwall. Major Leaf looked over at me, and pulled me down. “DAMN FOOL! Tell Radio Wave to tell command, Omareha is NOT open! They are NOT go for bombardment!”

I looked over. I knew what I was going to see before I saw it, and I was not dissapointed. Radio Wave grinned at me, his blank eyes one of the few parts of his head still looking about right. The back of his head was blown off, brains scattered to the winds as his radio lay smoking. My heart stopped... I had seen this already! Where though? What was happening?

Maple Leaf cursed and shouted “BANGALORES! CLEAR THE WIRE!” as she looked back. “TELL HIM TO... aw shit! She said, seeing him past me. “Damnit! You were suppoesed to keep him alive! Get your ass in gear, you're the first one over the wire!” she shouted, shaking my shoulder. I nodded numbly, not comprehending.

Finally, Bangalores detonated, blasting the wires to pieces and clearing the obstacles, allowing us to charge. As per my orders, I jumped up, sprinting as hard as I could up the muddy slope between the two bunkers, machine gun fire spraying at my feet until I was out of their line of sight... still, rifles peppered the ground around me.

Behind me, the rest of Ninth squad ran, all of us with flat footed determination. Up top, we split up. Major Leaf, Wire Tap, Iron Hoof, and myself all went left, while everyone else went right. Other soldiers were pinned on the beach, and for now it was up to us. Leveling my rifle, I sighted up the hill. On the top, right where I somehow knew it would be, there was a machine gun post... but it was silent.

Suddenly, there was a squawk and a curse, and Iron Hoof was wrestling with a Gryphon. He dispatched it handily with a single haymaker, and nodded the rest of us to go in.

I ran through the doorway to the bunker, and out into a street. Up ahead, there was a bell tower, and friendly soldiers were out in the open. Pausing to catch my breath, I looked behind me. There was a burning beach through the door, and for a moment, I questioned it... but I had just come from there, so it made sense. But still, I knew what was going on... and this time, it was a bit more obvious as I saw Shadow Step, Butter Bar, and myself all standing in a group. Fires burned all around, and there was a tree with bodies tacked to it. I was in Saint Feathersburg, and I remembered this massacre all of a sudden...

With a sudden sense of dread, I jumped forward, trying to shout, but my legs were glued in place, and my mouth would not make words as the other me saluted Butter Bar, and then froze, eyes wide. Not a second later, a shot rang out, and Butter Bar and Shadow Step collapsed into the mud as the fake me dove for cover not a foot away from me. I heard something, it sounded like muffled shouting, but the words were indistinct as the wrong me waved at Silk, and she came running, only to be shot over and over again. Her body twitched in the mud until a tank came and blew the sniper to pieces and I fell down, down, into the dark.

I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I wanted to DIE right now. I was so sick, I felt like I would never be clean of the blood on my hands. Finally, I sprawled outside of a foxhole, a cover over it concealing it. I was still silenced, and could only look on as a gryphon stumbled in. There was shouting, a curse, a shot, and a scream from Orange Blaze as she held the gryphon as hard as she could, until the wrong me put a shot in his brain, dispatching him and clutching his face.

The shells fell hard and fast, and I was in the town, Kreigskratch. The wrong me lay on the ground, things moving so quickly, and Iron Hoof was shot over and over and over as he charged the commando. There was a laugh from her as she grimaced and sat up just enough to fire two shots into the wrong me, who collapsed, bleeding on the ground, and clutching a gut wound.

I wished he would have died on that day. Then I was back in the boat.

The beach... the sniper.... the forest... the town.... beach, sniper, forest, town, beach, sniper, forest town... over and over I saw it. Over and over, I was a mere witness to the horrors of war, the storms that raged in my mind all the time. Over and over I saw them mowed down, sometimes slightly differently, sometimes the same wounds and the same screams, but always I watched, in silence, watching myself go through the scenes over and over. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t cry out, I couldn’t blink. I was damned to a living hell, forced to see my nightmares over and over and-

It froze. Everything just stopped, just as the SS trooper shot the fake me again. Bullets hung, suspended in mid-air. The moon hung over us, and I became slowly aware that I could move. The scene quietly faded into inky blackness, all outlined in blue and twinkling stars.

I don’t know how long I wandered that void, but it was peaceful and serene... not the horrors night was so commonly associated with, but the time of rest and peace, a private winter, able to renew and refresh the fertile land that was the subconscious. Slowly, I began to realize something.

I was in a Dream, and I had been in a Nightmare... and a figure slowly approached me. Dream Dancer walked out of the mist, smiling wanly, and sighing as a small table and two chairs materialized. She motioned me over, and I came over, sitting down, a sense of serenity filling me. For a moment, the horrors of war were forgotten. We simply looked at each other for a while, until she spoke.

“I'm.... sorry. I was not able to get into your nightmare... it was so powerful. The memories you held there are burned into you... I had to ask Princess Luna herself to break the walls around it for me. I may not be the strongest Dreamwalker, but I am not weak... I have visited you so many times, you are my personal patient, the same way you are the patient of Doctor Turner, yet even he can only grasp a tiny fraction of what is going on in your head.”

I sat there, looking down into a cup that had appeared. Looking back was the reflection of a very foalish face, albeit with my scars. In a small voice, I asked “I thought they were supposed to go away... why didn’t they go away? The nightmares? I thought we defeated them already...”

She sighed, and rasied her hand. The scene changed again, and we were in the living room at my mom's old place. We were on the couch, and I was on her lap as she ran her hands through my mane, plucking at snarls and smoothing it out in the same way my mother did when I was that age. For a moment, I gave the obligatory squirming, but finally let up. “I don’t now. Your case is very rare, perhaps unique. There are some things Magic Theory cannot explain, things where science is making leaps and bounds, but have not caught up yet. There are some things we simply do not know... but threads of fate are all around you. Your past brought you here, and what you do now will take you into the future. Why do you think you keep going back to war?”

I looked up at her as she reached down and dabbed at my cheeks. A brief struggle was quickly put down before I answered, and said “I... I still feel bad. I should have done things better... I should have stayed closer to Radio, and I should have shot the gryphon in the bunker first” I said, voice cracking. I knew that, I knew both of those, just as I knew I should have avoided saluting Butter Bar.

“I know a lot of things I should have done... and they would all have come home. But the few I have, I don’t even see anymore! Bubble Popper, I know he is doing fine, but what about Butter Bar? I still think about them... why can't I let them go? If I let them go, then would the dreams go away? But... if I do let them go... who will remember them? Radio Wave doesn’t have a family left, and Wire Tap gave up everything when he went into intel... they have no one left for them. How can I let them go?”

She shook her head. “I don’t know. I don’t have those answers. I had done as much as I can for you, and I will be here to ease your suffering in your dreams, but you are carrying around a lot of guilt, and you are still carrying the memory of your dead comrades. You need to let go, no matter how much it hurts. Someday, you WILL see them again. Everyone makes the trip eventually, save for those few cursed never to cross the gates of the celestial realm and enter the Well of Souls.”

I looked up at her, tears in my eyes. I hurt inside, I hurt badly. I had been here dozens of times now... I had faced the same images over and over... I had let others into my heart, what was left for me to do? “What else do I have to do?!?” I asked, looking up and practically begging her for her help. Finally, she sighed.

“I know this is hard, but you need to wake up now. The only one who can help you is within arms reach, and I suggest you take her help. For now, you cannot keep facing your fears in your sleep. You need to face them during your waking hours, and you need to consiously come to terms with what you have done, and more importantly... you need to come to terms with what you failed to do. If you had made several different choices, things would, of course, be different. But the past is the past, and there is nothing you can do about it. While you will not remember this dream, I will ensure that you remember what you decide to do. Will you tell Rainbow, and finally trust her with everything, or will you continue to bear this weight alone? You chose to become fragile, you chose to feel everything. You can no longer do this alone.”

I looked at her, thinking hard. Rainbow had made it absolutely clear that she would sitck by my side, and had done so even though most nights it was like raising a foal, with me waking her up at odd hours either screaming in terror or just crying for hours on end. Even though she had to tread lightly as the slightest noise would wake me up in fear, she had kept doggedly on my case. She made sure I did my running and other physical exercises, she made sure I attended my counseling with Doctor Turner, and she cooked healthy meals. Since Blaze left, she was the one who had filled my life... and I flushed a bit as I realized that I trusted her with more than my mind.

I trusted her with my heart, and that was even more vulnerable. I looked back at Dream Dancer and nodded, one small affirmation that I would finally reveal all to my keeper. She smiled, and nodded back as the dream faded and I began to wake up.

Gasping, I sat up in bed, heart hammering... and as my eyes lit up on the slowly blinking and yawning Rainbow Dash, I grabbed her arm and whispered “We need to talk... I need to tell you everything.”

Later that morning

I lay in bed while Rainbow paced. We had been talking for the last three hours, since I woke up, and I had finally told her my entire story. From my days at the Weather Factory to my draft... my boot camp, how I got my Destiny Mark, how I had been so happy. I had told her that I was the best sniper in recorded history, and I had told her of the bombing I had been through in Braytain, and how I had seen Gold Star, the younger brother of Silver Star the sheriff, and she had held me as I broke down and cried at how helpless we were.

She had sat in silence as I haltingly described landing on the beach, how the air was so thick with bullets and blood that it was nearly impossible to see in front of your own hooves, and that I had relied heavily on Blaze to get me through the following day. She only stopped me once, to ask about Radio Wave. For an instant, I wanted to stop, but something in me forced me to rethink, and I told her a bit about the colt who I had taken a liking to. She had turned a bit green as I described how he had lost half his head right next to me, but had kept listening.

Only once, she had to get up to use the bathroom and get me a glass of water and my meds. The antihistamine helped a bit as it kicked in and let me calm down, and I told her about how I had started to have feelings for Blaze. I didn’t know if it was my imagination, but I thought she tensed up a bit at that. Her wings settled though, and she nodded, commenting that she would guess anyone who had been through such things together would develop feelings after a time, and let me tell her about our next major event.

As I described the outrage and fury that we all felt at Saint Feathersburg, she just gaped as I described what they did to us with their surprise attack, the minefield, and then our retaliation. She seemed to be a bit satisfied that we had gotten our revenge, until I told her of when we went into the city and found it abandoned, all the inhabitants slaughtered by us. The little burnt foal that had looked at me with pleading eyes, the civilians tacked to the tree, the single burnt out WESPE that was all we had earned for our crime... and the sniper.

I told her how guilty I felt over Butter Bar getting shot, how Shadow Step had screamed in the mud, how we had dragged them to the side, and how I had gotten Shining Silk killed by calling her out. She recoiled in horror as I told her how the sniper had shot her over and over again, taunting us until the tank arrived and blew him away. I told her how satisfied I felt as I watched pieces of the gryphon fall with the rubble, and how we had all walked over to look at what was left of him in the mud.

Finally, I told her how I had accidentally shot Blaze in the leg as we struggled with a gryphon in the foxhole, and she held me as I broke down once again. For nearly half an hour, I sat upright with my head on her shoulder while she sighed, patting my back and murmuring consolation into my ears. When I could continue, I finally told her about Kreigskratch, and how we took the town at horrendous losses. I told her how Iron Hoof died to save me, and that I could never earn that. I told her how I got shot, and how I lost my wings.

I told her EVERYTHING, and at the end of it, she just looked at me, sitting there before getting up and pacing a bit, which was where we were now.

She stood there, looking back and fourth, and my heart slowly sank as she looked at me. After nearly five minutes, she sighed.

“I'm sorry... I never realized that... I mean, I know a lot happened, but I never guessed it was that bad. If I had known, I would never have talked to you like that in Sugarcube Corner...”

Wiping my runny eyes, I looked at her. Something that had been genuinely bothering me finally came to mind. “Wh... what did you all hear about the war? You had to hear something... how could you not know how bad it was?”

She sighed and sat back down on the edge of the bed. “Well... a lot of the news we were getting was about how heroic you guys were. War Hero and Captain Equine dressed up in army cloths and went all over Equestria, talking about how you fearlessly marched through enemy lines, protecting Equestria with some fancy shields and high minded ideals... I mean, I guess I knew that it couldn’t really be like that. I don’t think anyone can punch a tank and make it explode, and I am pretty sure that no one has actually... how was it put... 'socked ol' Bristlebeak on the nose'... some of it sounded a bit far-fetched.”

Despite my poor mood and the fact I had spent the last three hours pouring my heart, soul, and history out in her lap (thankfully breakfast not included), I only stared at her for a few seconds before we both burst out laughing, mine starting with nervous chuckles, and her honking snorts filling the air. We both grinned as I tried to remember the tune.

“When you March on out, hear our belts and packs Rattle...” I started, looking at her.

“When you feel the urge, grab a gun, head to Battle...” she continued, before we went together.

Equ-es-tri-a, now's the time, going gone!

Support your troops, save your tin, buy a bond!

Build us tanks, build us guns, build us bombs!

Support your troops, save your tin, buy a bond!

Remember, there at home is where you are!

So keep it up! Do your part! Win the war!

We both finished what had to be the worst commercial ever made. The rhyming was terrible, the tune got stuck in heads for weeks after it played, and stations got angry calls all the time for airing it. Whatever horrible disk jockey thought it would be a good idea was... actually a genius. People bought lots of war bonds, and thanks to them, the army was well funded. We both smiled at each other as I sat back, feeling much more relaxed. Probably because of my meds, but at this point I would take what I could get.

Finally, she stood up and checked the clock. “It's about seven thirty... I'm gonna go make breakfast. Think you can hold anything down?” she asked, leaning over and pressing her nice, cool hand against my still warm forehead. I nodded, looking up at her.

“I think I'm fine... if you have to, you could go out and do stuff today... I'll probably just stay here and sleep. I still have a bit of a headache, but I feel much better, and I don’t hurt all over. I actually feel kinda good... all warm and fuzzy” I said, grinning like a dope.

She giggled. “Is someone a bit stoned? Wish I could get some of whatever you have, but... eh, drugs really are not my kinda thing. These toned thighs and abs ain't gonna stay that way if I start making dumb choices!” she proclaimed, planting a foot on the bed and posing, flexing said thigh and causing a warm flush to fill my cheeks. She really was toned. I may have been... and am getting back to being a bit strong, but she had the kind of muscle tone that came from not only working out, but using the  muscles in practical exercises. Instead of just doing wing-ups, she clearly flew. Alot.

As she left to make breakfast, I lay back in bed and finally looked around her room. Last night, I had not done much exploring, and this morning I had other things on my mind. Up above the bed was a large poster featuring the Wonderbolts. Every Pegasi that lived in Cloudsdale knew all their names by heart. Spitfire, Fleetfoot, Soarin, and as of a year ago, Rainbow Dash. This poster, however, had two that I didn’t recognize. Spitfire and Fleetfoot were in there, but Soarin and Rainbow were missing, presumably because of Rainbow having left the main roster, and... well, it still wasn’t my buissness what was going on with Soarin. Still, I felt a twinge of rage at the thought of him having abused Dash so badly that she came home beaten and bruised to her friends. It was hard to believe that my friends and I had gone off to lay down our lives and sanity to protect jerks like him.

I knew that it always hurt worse when it was a loved one doing the abusing, but I had never had to live with that sort of thing. My family was great, and my dad always loved me. I remember being mad at him for a while when he died during the Canterlot invasion, but I couldn’t stay mad knowing he had protected others. I like to think it was some of his warrior blood that made me strong when I was drafted, but in the end, it was the strength of those around me that lent me the focus and determination to keep moving forward one muddy, bloody inch at a time.

I must have been lost in my thoughts for a while, because shortly she came back in, carrying two plates with hashbrowns and hay bacon. While some ponies did take to an omnivorous diet, most notably Lunar Pegasi, I was not among their number. No matter how much protein you could get from meat, I preferred my greens, as did nearly eighty percent of the equine population. As she sat down on the bed next to me and set my plate on my lap, she looked at me and smiled. “Eat up... long day of doing nothing today. We get that crud out of your system, and you can be right as rain again. I got a couple of days off lined up, so don’t you worry about being a bother okay?”

I nodded, grateful to her. As we ate, I spoke to her about my childhood, how I grew up with my dad in the Royal Guard, how he made it up from being regular grunt to being a Royal Scout, and eventually being responsible for guarding Princess Celestia herself. He was even one of the ones that brought Twilight Sparkle to Ponyville before she became princess, and had gotten a thank-you that had made him very proud. Everyone in Canterlot knew that Princess Sparkle had been Celestia's student, and that gave her a significant spot in the hierarchy. From there, the topic continued to stray around as we ate.

Finally, as I cleaned my plate, she looked back at me and sighed. “Sorry to hear about your dad. I loved mine, until he passed away. Heart problems... that is one of the reasons I work out so much is to keep mine healthy. My family had a long and proud tradition of overcoming various medical problems. Poor sight, stubby wings, cardiovascular disease, and some other nastier ones. As far as I can tell, I only ever got one problem...”

She paused, and after a few seconds I ventured “If you don’t mind, what is it?”

She opened her mouth, and then there was a knock on the front door of the house, three crisp knocks. Rainbow sighed and shook her head. “I got it. Some other time, okay?”

I watched as she left. It didn’t seem that I had struck a nerve, but she seemed a bit upset at whatever the problem was. Hopefully it wasn’t too bad. Meanwhile, I heard her opening the door, and then there was silence.

“Hey... Wing, I think you better take this...” came Dash's hesitant voice.

Grimacing, I got out of bed on somewhat aching knees and pulled a bathrobe on, heading out of the room and down the short hallway to the living room, to which the front door joined.

That is where I stopped dead, staring at the figure in the door. The room spun around me, and I felt a bit dizzy as my blood pounded in my ears.

This can't be... it's another hallucination. It's a dream... a nightmare... not possible....

“Hey, Wing! How ya doing?” said Orange Blaze.