"Though the days are few, they're filled with tears,
And since I lost you, it feels like years,
Yes, it seems so long since you've been gone,
And I just can't go on, if you won't see me..."
Lennon & McCartney, The Beatles.

Now what? I did what I thought was best for everypony and now I've lost you forever and with you part of myself, the part that you helped me to love. What lesson? How deep love can go and how sometimes the ponies you help and the good you do in being self-sacrificing isn’t worth the pain. Given the choice, would I do again what I did? No. I would not. I love everypony in Ponyville, I love Apple Boom, and Big Mac and Granny Smith. I love all my 4 sisters and I know they need Applejack, but NONE OF THEM NEED YOU AS MUCH AS I DO! I learned that there is a pain beyond anything I could ever have imagined, more than I could bear.

I also learned that I really am immortal.

You gave me the happiest moments of my life. I thought I loved my life before, but that wasn’t really living. Being with you was like an amazing dream that we both could have kept living in, but I destroyed it and I’ll never forgive myself. I’m on my way out of Ponyville now, waiting for the first train of the morning. I am alone and I should be alone.

I don’t really care what happens now. I can’t stay and look at those ponies that I helped by trying to heal you. Part of me hates each and every one of them and always will. See? I failed. I shouldn’t feel this way, I should feel sad that I lost you but it should be tempered by knowing that I helped Ponyville and your family, but that’s just not happening. I’m full of sadness but also full of regret, anger and hate. I feel like I’m physically gone. So I’m going to try to lose myself in the desert of the Badlands. Maybe I’ll meet somepony who knows ways around alicorn immortality. Just know that you’ll be in my heart forever and if I ever find a way, I’ll join you.

Twilight settled in on the train. It felt strange but distantly familiar to no longer have wings. She looked through the books she’d brought with her. As part of her shape shift she’d eliminated them so as not to be recognized as an alicorn and therefore a princess.

The books ranged in topic from desert survival to a romance novel to a book about meditation. As she went through them, she looked at the cover of the romance novel, a decision she’d made at the last moment, and now wasn’t sure quite why. “At least,” she thought, “I can use it to help start a fire if I need to…” The double entendre suddenly struck her and she smiled grimly, the flames of Tartarus couldn’t get my fires started.

Twilight watched as the countryside rolled by outside the window. In order to throw anypony off her trail, she left the train, went to the mares room, shapeshifted and caught the next train. She always boarded the last car and sat in the last seat, facing out the rear window. Often so that the other passengers wouldn't see her tears.

It was just after sunset when she got off the fourth train. She looked around but the streets were deserted. Most ponies are eating dinner, or getting ready to she thought. It took a great deal of energy to shapeshift and she was exhausted - too tired to shapeshift again so she just went to the ticket window and purchased a private sleeper compartment on the next train. The unicorn shape that she had taken bore a vague resemblance to Pinkie’s sister Maud. It seemed that all the forms seemed to look in one way or another like the eldest of the Pie sisters. To a large extent the form that a shapeshifter took was influenced by their emotional state at the time of the transformation. Maud was usually low key and quiet.

Twilight had been sitting on the platform reading a book by the light of her glowing horn when she heard the train whistle. She stood and stretched then walked up to the edge of the platform as the train pulled into the station. A porter stepped off the train and as she was the only one on the platform, took her straight to her compartment. It was a two pony room, as that’s all they had available. It had its own lavatory and sink, a pull down bed, and a small built in sofa for two. As she looked at the two empty seats she thought about all the things that she and Applejack had talked about doing one day, one of them was to travel through Equestria by train She turned to the porter and gave him his tip.

The train started with a slight lurch and was soon rolling smoothly over the countryside. Twilight settled in and closed her eyes, relaxing. The compartment was comfortable and the steady click of the tracks was soothing. It was distant and re-assuring. She turned the lights off in her room and looked out the huge window, watching the little houses go by. Soon all you could see were the lights coming from the windows. The sky was a deep blue and the moon, now just cresting over the mountains to the east, was full. Twilight thought of Luna and how much she had come to love her.

How long ago had it been when she'd come down from Canterlot on her chariot? Twilight recalled how Luna seemed a little reserved but very anxious to make friends. She was so young at heart and Twilight sensed that given the chance, the Princess of the Night would have gladly shed her royal duties to just be a normal pony. In the following months, however, Luna slowly discovered that the wisdom she possessed was as important and powerful as her sister’s, and s she began entering ponies dreams and helping them face their fears, she discovered how much the ponies of Equestria truly loved her and it made her happier than she could have imagined.

She and Twilight had gotten very close after that first Nightmare Night. It had almost been a disaster, thanks to Pinkie Pie, but in the end it was Pinkie that saved it. Later that evening, after Spike had gone to bed, and Dash had flown home to soak her scorched rump, Luna, Twilight and Applejack stepped out of the Golden Oak library, each with hot cider, to enjoy the rusky cool air of mid-autumn. They sat at a picnic table in the town square park and talked, and as Twilight and Applejack began to finish each others sentences and laugh, Luna kept looking back and forth at them and smiling sweetly.

Did she know? Could she see what I couldn't? And was it only my unknown feelings for Applejack, or did she that see Applejack had feelings for me? So many things have happened since that night and neither AJ or me ever said or did anything. Maybe Applejack tried to but I missed it and she gave up. No, she isn’t the type that would hide it. She just feels the connection between us, connections between best friends. It’s funny, ponies talk about “your right hoof colt”. With Dash it’s her wing mare. I don’t know when it was but at some point, I noticed that to my right, I always had a different “right hoof mare.” I think it comes from it being the dominant side of most ponies. I know it’s mine. Sometimes Dash, other times Rarity, or Fluttershy, or Pinkie would be there. But what made me strong was knowing that there on my left, even in most of the pictures of the six of us, I could always count on Applejack being there.

My blind side.

The lights coming from the windows in the little prairie homes blurred as tears began to dot the floor of her compartment. She was too tired and too worn out to hold them back. They didn’t come in torrents, they just fell as she wept. In a little while Twilight stood and went to the little sink. Her eyes were puffy and red and her breath trembled as she inhaled. Soaking a white washcloth in the cool water from the tap, she placed it across her eyes.

She lowered the folding bed into it's position and climbed in, pulling the sheets and blanket up around her. Laying on her side, her head on the cool pillow she looked out of the large window. There were less lights in the little prairie homes now as the families that lived in them went to bed for the night. Twilight lay there, gazing at the countryside and watching the distant full moon as it rose over the mountains in the east. Finally, she let sleep overtake her. It was sometime just after midnight, when she was awoken by the full moon shining through her window. The land outside was cast in a deep royal blue from the moonlight as the train raced past it. It was difficult to see the stars but that was okay, Twilight smiled and whispered “Goodnight Luna.” She gently pulled the window shade down.

The morning sun was just beginning to crest the horizon as Twilight pulled up the shade. Breakfast would be served shortly in the dining car and she washed her face and brushed her hair. It had been a good night’s sleep and she felt refreshed and hungry. In fact she felt very hungry and took it as a good sign. She gave a glancing thought to Applejack but quickly discovered it was too soon, the wound too fresh, too painful. She quickly thought of Cadence, her sister-in-law and close friend, and with the thought inhaled deeply, sweeping her forearm away from her chest, “pushing away the sadness, pushing away the stress,” as Cadence used to say when she was Twilight’s foalsitter. After another deep breath, Twilight slid her compartment door open and walked down the narrow hall.

The cook and staff were starting things up in the dining car when Twilight got there. She was the only one and so got a table to herself. Had she gotten there later she would have had to share a table with others due to limited seating. Since they like to serve everypony at a table at the same time at each table, being the only one there meant she got to eat alone which suited her fine.

The aroma in the dining car was wonderful. The smell the buckwheat pancakes, corn fritters, coffee, and maple syrup awoke her appetite even more, and rather than ordering a poached egg and tea as she'd planned, she ordered the pancakes and had coffee. As the waiter placed her breakfast in front of her, the other passengers started to show up and fill the tables. A young couple and a wealthy middle-aged mare sat across the aisle from her. They clearly weren’t together. The mare reminded Twilight of Cherry Jubilee, the owner of the orchards where AJ had gotten a job after failing to get any blue ribbons at the rodeo competition. Twilight recalled how they'd almost lost Applejack to her sense of obligation. That poor pony… Twilight felt the emotions rising and took a deep breath as she turned to look out the window and fought back the tears.

The dining car was almost full and Twilight ate faster so as to free up her table for those hungry riders she could see waiting. A large distinguished zebra stallion stopped in front of her table. Older, and with some gray creeping into his mane, he was dressed in an elegant suit with a railroad pin on the lapel.

“Enjoy your breakfast miss.” His accent reminded her of Zecora, “You rose early and they did not. Do not think that you need to get indigestion because of their decision to slumber. He smiled warmly at her. "Would you permit me to join you for a moment?”

“Oh, uh, sure.”

He sat down in the seat across from her. “Thank you. My name is Golden Spike, I own this railroad. If you don’t mind my asking, how are you finding your trip? Enjoyable I trust.”

“Oh, yes, thank you. It’s been lovely. My room is comfortable and the food is delicious.”

He smiled at her and she realized she should introduce herself.

Oh sweet mother of the moon!! I haven’t thought of a name!

She looked around the train and noticed the tiny glass vases mounted in metal brackets between each of the train windows. In each one was a different flower. In her’s were Lily’s of the Valley, Princess Celestia’s favorite.

“Hi, I’m sorry, my name is Lily,” she said.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you. Does Lily have a last name?”

Just then one of the waiters put up a sign with the breakfast specials. Among them was listed apple fritters, “-for all you ‘Apple Loving’ Passengers”

“Oh, yes, Applelove, Lily Applelove.”

“My my, what a lyrical name! It sounds like water tumbling over stones in a stream.”

Twilight couldn’t help but smile. “That’s beautiful, I’ve never heard that before. You must have some poet in you.”

The zebra laughed, “You might say that - I am married to one. I suppose I have picked up such things from her over the years.”

Twilight smiled at this. “I have a friend who always speaks in rhyme. She is a...” Twilight thought for a moment “...a healer.” and was instantly happy at the description.

“A Zebra I presume?”

“Yes, how did you know?”

“It is a trait of a very wise tribe from my home country. It’s quite a talent and they can be very funny.”

“Her name is Zecora.”

“I should have known. She is well named. It is a name from that very tribe that speaks of the health of our earth and all the health that she gives. It takes great training to become a healer. I have been told it is something you never quite master. You are blessed to know her.”

“That is so true. What tribe are you from? Oh, I’m sorry, that sounded kind of rude.”

“No, not at all. I am from a tribe of mystics. You are probably wondering what I am doing owning a railroad in Equestria.”

Twilight looked at him expectantly, waiting for the answer. He looked around the car, at the passengers, at the ceiling.

“I often wonder that myself.” he said. He looked at Twilight and smiled. “It is good to hear your friend has stayed true to her tribe.”

“Zecora is a very special and a very dear friend. I’ve gone to her at some of the most difficult times in my life.”

“It sounds like she is blessed as well. He smiled at her. "Please forgive me but I have taken enough of your time and I have a certain poet who awaits me in our room and refuses to start her breakfast without me. You see unlike you and I, she is a leisurely zebra.”

“Leisurely zebra, now that is certainly poetic. Give her my best and I hope you have a wonderful breakfast.”

“Thank you. I am very glad to have made your acquaintance, Lily Applelove,” he stood and went to Twilight’s side. He lifted her hoof and looked into her eyes. For a moment he said nothing, and in that moment Twilight felt as though she were nine years old again, a mere filly who knew so little of the real world. His eyes held such kindness and wisdom. Then he smiled and spoke. “My Lily Applelove, do not despair, for a heart as true and noble as yours will always find love. You have much important work to do before you rest in the sand. You have chosen well your name, for it speaks of two who love you more than you will ever know. Now continue your quest and promise me you will never give up hope. Will you do that for me?”

Twilight could not speak. She looked into his eyes and felt part of her soul restored. Something she thought had died was suddenly kindled. She took his wrist and pulled him into a hug. She squeezed him tightly her voice breaking as she whispered into his ear, “I promise you Golden Spike, I promise I will never give up hope. Thank you.” As he leaned back his smile was beautiful. Twilight wiped the tears from her eyes.

“I think I will see you again Miss Lilly Applelove. I look forward to it.”

“Me too.” she said with a little sniff. She smiled up at him with pure delight at what he'd said.

He smiled back and gave a nod before turning and continuing on his way. None of the other passengers seemed to notice.

That was so strange, yet it seemed so right and so beautiful. Did it really happen? Of course it did. But how did he know? He is from a tribe of mystics. How much does he know? It really doesn’t matter, I only know I don’t feel quite so hopeless now, and now I think I understand that I am on a sort of quest. I had no plans other than to go to the desert where nopony could find me and try to decide what I really want, and who I really am.

The waiter came by. “Mr. Spike would take it as a kindness if you would accept your meals aboard as a gift from him and his wife. What shall I tell him?”

“Tell him thank you very much.”

The waiter smiled. “Of course Miss Applelove. He wished you to know your room was cleaned while you dined.”

“Thank you again.” Twilight said, and reached into her small bag for a tip.

“That won’t be necessary.” he smiled.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Will you be joining us for lunch?”

“M-hmm,” she nodded. “I don’t get off until Deadwood”

“That’s not till late afternoon. We’ll see you at lunch them.”

“Okay, and thank you.”

“Our pleasure miss.”

Back at her room, Twilight noticed that the carnation that had been in the tiny window vase and been replaced by a Lily of the Valley and there was a beautiful apple on the little table.

The brakes of the train squealed as it pulled into the tiny station of Deadwood. It was just before sunset and the light hit the sandstone buttes, turning them into a million shades of reds and oranges. Just before the train came to a complete stop, the waiter walked up to Twilight.

“Mr Spike had to get off back in Marneapolis, but he asked that we pack some food for you before you left the train. He chose these himself. Please enjoy them with our compliments.”

“I certainly will. And thank you so much, you’ve all been so wonderful.” she placed the sack into her saddlebag. “Well, it looks like we’re here. Send my compliments to everypony and say thank you.” she said as she stepped off the train and onto the platform.

“Of course Miss Applelove. Best of luck.”

The train’s whistle blew as it pulled out of the station. It was headed west and Twilight could see the silhouette of the conductor in the light from the slowly setting sun as he leaned from the doorway waving goodbye. She stood there watching as it pulled away, getting smaller and smaller until she could no longer see it.

It had been a respite from the pain. An oasis. Now she stood alone on the platform. There was not a sound. She spoke “Hello.” and the air swallowed her words as they left her mouth. Her saddle bag contained everything she needed, the now empty wheeled suitcase had been left at a goodwill store many stops back.

She looked across the tracks at the long stretch of desert that led to the foothills of the Badlands. She took a deep breath and felt the change as her coat began to shift and her wings appeared. Another deep breath and a hard pump to her wings, and she was airborne.

In the sunset the colors of desert below were glorious. Twilight had been flying for half an hour, heading straight south for the foothills, where she hoped to find a suitable cave where she could make camp. She felt the warm air rising from the huge sunbaked stones and boulders as she reached the edge of the foothills, and rode the thermals as Dash had taught her. She was grateful, as her saddlebag was heavy and weariness was taking its toll.

She flew in low and banked, gambling on a rock formation that looked promising. She landed on a high flat stone outcrop at the mouth of a cave. Her horn provided all the light necessary to explore the interior. Deeper in she discovered it curved around to the right in back and went for another 15 feet or so before coming to an end. There were signs of others who had stayed here, though from what she could tell, nopony had been here in a long time.

She unpacked her Official Filly Scout tent and set it up about 20 feet back from the mouth of the cave. The cave faced west and she sat out on the rock outcrop and watched as the stars began to appear. Little sounds began to come up from the desert below, as the animals that hid from the sun in their burrows all day, came out. The air began to cool rapidly and Twilight felt a chill. The flight had tired her and her back and wings felt sore so she went into the tent.

Although the tent had a floor, she still cast a spell that encased it to protect her from any creature that might somehow make it past the material. More importantly it would block her scent. Her sleeping bag was thick and she snuggled into it as she cast a spell to thicken the bottom so that it felt like a mattress. She looked around and felt safe and cozy. She suddenly missed Applejack terribly, wanting and needing her desperately, just to hold and be held. but turned her mind away from the pain.

She only read three pages before the light in her horn went out and she fell fast asleep.

The inside of the tent was still warm and cozy when Twilight awoke.The protective spell around it allowed for oxygen and nitrogen exchange, but the heat was kept in. She opened her eyes, looking at the purple hue in the tent.

I have no reason to get up. I can lay here all day if I want to. I can read, or meditate or just sleep. I think… Her stomach grumbled so she sat up and rubbed sleep out of her eyes then reached across the tent and grabbed her saddle bag, pulling it to her. Rummaging through it she found the paper bag they had given her on the train. Inside she found all kinds of food. She selected a nice soft roll and bit into it. It was amazing. Soft and buttery, it was just what she needed. As she held the roll in her mouth she began organized things in the tent. Every so often she’d take a bite and hold the roll in her hoof while she chewed.

Once the tent was organized to her liking, she lifted the protective spell and went out into the cave. The cave faced west and as she walked out onto the rock outcropping she looked at the desert below. It was dawn. The long shadows cast by the shrubs, rocks and cacti stretched away from her. She took out her mug, water and tea and made a cup. She enjoyed it with a cinnamon raisin roll, surveying the desert below. After finishing, she stood up and stretched slowly, then flew down to the desert floor to collect wood and dead scrub which she brought back up to the cave for a fire later. The shadows were quickly getting shorter. She sat and meditated for a short time at the mouth of the cave before deciding to go out and explore.

There were plenty of thermals to carry her up, which was good since the effort of flying would surely have proved taxing. She kept looking back at the cave, always keeping her bearings. She noted landmarks in all direction in order to find her way back.

The sun was approaching the high noon point and even with the dry air flowing around her, Twilight was feeling quite hot. She had noticed a meandering stream to the south west and banked to the left toward it.

It looked like a snake from above, the insides of the curves were shallow and sandy while the outside of the curves were deeper. The water ran faster there. She flew in and landed on the broad sandy beach of an inside curve. She sat down.

“OW!” She jumped up quickly, feeling the burning hot sand against her rump. In a few moments she could feel it coming through her hooves, so she walked to the water's edge and stood. The water was cool and nice, though not cold. The sound of the river was very soothing and Twilight closed her eyes and listened to it and the water washed over her hooves.

She had read about mediating in water and how it can help you focus. She realized that with the cooling water on her hooves, all she was aware of was how hot the rest of her was, so following the method she took a few steps out, farther from the shore. Then slowly she sat. She felt the water flowing around her rear legs, her hips, and over her genitals, and she relaxed the muscles under her tail. She had learned that that tiny round muscle right there was the first place to relax, from there one went out to the genitals, then the waist, the tummy, the thighs… like the waves radiating from a stone thrown in a pond. She chuckled remembering how when Cadence had told her about that process that she had gotten very silly and couldn’t stop laughing. Now she felt the water flow out from under her tail and carrying it like a flag, slowly waving behind her. She closed her eyes and focused on the upper part of her body that had gotten so hot.

After a time, she stood again and walked out to a deeper part of the river. Again she sat and now the water came up to the middle of her chest. She let it lift her wings, felt it where they attached to her. They came to an equilibrium in the water, neither providing lift nor directing her. At this part of the river she could hear it loudly, a constant sound, barely changing volume. It felt as though all the heat from her body had culminated on her upper back and head.

Again, she stood and walked out, close to the deepest part of the river. As she stood there she could feel the water as it rushed around her neck and flowed past. Her entire lower body seemed gone now. She was no longer aware of it as she stood there. Now her sweat poured from her face and she calmed herself and slowed her heart. She opened her eyes and looked up at the sky, at the sun, and gave a slight smile. She drew a deep, slow breath, and let her legs fall out from under her. She felt the water close over her face as she sank.

The current picked her up and carried her body downstream. It turned and twisted slowly underwater as the rays of light shone down, softly dancing over her coat.

Author's Note

The amazing art work is by one of my favorite artists on DeviantArt - NCMares. To me it is part of the essence of My Little Pony - you see how dangerous and passionate they can be while still retaining their beauty and innocence. This art also shows the incredible depth that each of the ponies possess.