Vol4:Tomorrow Never Knows: Carry That Weight

"I've got a feeling, a feeling deep inside
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
I've got a feeling, a feeling I can't hide
Oh no, oh no, oh no.
Yeah, I've got a feeling."
-The Beatles

Applejack lay in her bed, her face expressionless. She turned her face to the right and looked out at the early morning’s heavy gray sky. She watched as it got lighter, hoping the sun might break through. She went back to staring at the ceiling.

Well I finally got the bookkeeping books back to normal. I could see right off to where Big Mac made a mess of things what with those ‘debits’ and ‘credits’ and such. I reckon he meant owe and owed, poor thing. Then he was calculating sumpthin called earnings before interest and taxes and such, whatever any of that means. It took a fair piece of work, but I managed to straighten it all out. I tried to explain how my bookkeeping system works to him but he just kept gettin a headache. Then the animal feed was a mess, all the varmints got into it and had a time for themselves. I took care of that with Fluttershy’s help. He wouldn’t go to her for help. I reckon that’s cause he’s back with Cheerilee and so Fluttershy’s got her saddle in a twist. If’n you ask me all that romantic stuff is a waste of time. It’s okay for some, but I got no time for such foolishness. Lookit what it did to the animals feed! Reminds me of that silly Trenderhoof and his nonsense. All my heart will ever need is right here at Sweet Apple Acres.

She rolled over on her right side and looked out. The gray skies had begun to lighten.

Wonder where Twilight is and what she’s doing. I reckon she’s got her mind on ‘ole Starswirl… Diggin up that site and all. I’m real glad that she got that chance, she must be happier than Rainbow Dash at a Wonderbolts air show. She’ll be sittin there doin whatever ponies do at them things. Diggin’ I expect, and talkin about magic and spells and things that she loves. I don’t reckon she’s givin much thought to us what with her bein’ surrounded by all that stuff that fascinates her. She never did say when she’d be back, she didn’t say much at all. How long has it been - about a week I reckon. I know we ain’t the most fascinatin’ things around but you’d think she might write or somethin…

There was a knock at her bedroom door. “AJ? You up?”

“Hey AB, sure c’mon in”

“Mornin’ sis.” Apple Bloom walked sleepily into the room and climbed up on the bed. She climbed in under the covers and snuggled in next to Applejack with a sigh. “I sure love having you back home. I slept in your bed most nights you were gone. I hope you don’t mind.”

“No, ‘course I don’t. It’s nice to be back here myself. I don’t know what I did when I was at the library, but it sure wasn’t exercising. It took me Wednesday, Thursday and half of yesterday to do what it used to take me a day to do before I hurt myself. I reckon I just laid around and yakked with Twilight.”

“I don’t know, but you sure were happy, whatever you guys did.”

“You sayin’ I ain’t usually happy?”

“No, it was just a different happy. Like everything was new to you and you… I cain’t describe it. Like you didn’t have any worries, except having to come back to Sweet Apple Acres and take care of the animals and the orchard. You got real scared whenever anypony mentioned it. Twilight told me it was because when you first woke up she was the only one there and you were terrified. Once she got you calmed down and got you to trust her, you never wanted to leave the library or her side. We even had a sleepover at the library, but it got kinda crazy. Especially when Noteworthy and his cousin showed up with Dash. Then to top it off, Soarin came by”

“Soarin from the Wonderbolts?. What was Noteworthy doin’ there?”

“He was flirtin with you. A whole lot.”

Applejack’s eyes flew open. “Say what? Noteworthy was flirting with me? What the hay…?”

“eYup, and his cousin was flirtin with Twilight. Like I said, it got crazy.”

A couple of colts flirting with Applejack and Twilight?. AJ smiled at the thought. With a light hearted chuckle she asked, “That left Dash and Soarin… Were they, uh…?”

“eYup to that too. Oh, and Derpy was there. At least there was one normal adult that wasn’t acting all...” Apple Bloom rotated her forehooves on either side of her head and made her eyes go googly.

“It’s funny.” Applejack said, “I saw Derpy yesterday and went to say hi to her but she looked really sad when she saw me and just flew off.”

“That’s kinda weird, but she does seem kinda sad these days.”

The two sisters lay in bed listening to the wind blow outside the window.

“Say AB, how long’s Twilight been gone? It’s been about a week or so, ain’t it?”

“This’ll be the 4th day” The little red maned filly sighed.

“Are you sure? Seems longer somehow.”

Applejack didn’t say anything for awhile.

“I feel kinda bad about not goin’ back to check on her the night I came home, but I just couldn't believe the mess the farm was in. I knew Twi wasn’t here and it bothered me but with all the ponies at the party and me tryin to figure out what I needed to take care of first at the farm. Oh hay! I just should ‘a left that dang stupid party and gone to the Golden Oak to see what the hay was happening, but I kept waiting for her to show up.” Applejack paused, her eyes wet with tears. “But she never did…”

“You miss her too, huh? It seems like forever. When you were living there I got to be with her a lot more. It was so nice.”

Applejack could hear emotion creeping into her little sister’s voice “I really miss her a whole lot.” Apple Bloom sniffed and snuggled in tighter. “I really got to love her like family. She’s a very special pony.”

“Yeah.” Applejack sighed, “She surely is…”

The two of them fell asleep and didn’t wake up until late morning. Applejack stretched and yawned, then rolled over and looked at her sister.

“Say don’t you usually have a Cutie Mark Crusaders meeting on Saturday mornings?

“Not anymore”

“Why not? Ohhh- was that Twilight time?”

Apple Bloom looked up and nodded. The expression on her face brought a pain to Applejack’s heart . “I know sweetie...” She pulled her little sister close and hugged her. She heard the little cries muffled by her coat.

“I-l just love her so much AJ.”

“Yeah, me too…” Applejack said quietly. “Say Apple Bloom, feel like baking a pie?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Not too thrilled about it, huh?”

“No, it’s okay, Iong as I’m with you, it don’t matter.” The little filly looked up at her sister and smiled, her eyes still a little teary. “Can we snuggle a little more first? I been waitin for this forever. I didn’t know if I’d ever snuggle with you again.”

“Why? Wasn’t I still nice to you?”

“Oh AJ, you were just so wonderful. You were still kinda you, even when you didn’t know who you were you were sweet and loving and tryin’ so hard to make me feel better about what happened. You hugged me a lot and you held me and we cried together when I was hurtin’ and…” But the little filly never finished the sentence. She grabbed her sister tightly and burst into tears as she buried her face into Applejack’s chest..

“Sounds like you miss her.”

Apple Bloom, unable to stop crying, nodded fiercely. She caught her breath and lay there with her cheek against Applejack’s chest. “That pony that you were was like I think you was before Mama and Papa died.” She looked up at her sister, her eyes brimming with tears. “Like you could be a little pony again and not have to take care of our family and worry about the orchard and the farm. But I was missing you so much after you got hurt. I-I just wanted you to stay like you was - all happy all the time and then remember everything else you forgot after the accident. I never want you go away again AJ, I love you more than anypony ever, but I loved that pony too and I - I just miss her so much…” Apple Bloom broke down into sobs and hugged Applejack harder than before. Applejack hugged her back.

--

The days after Twilight left the weather had been bright, sunny and warm for winter. The muddy roads had dried and so Granny Smith had headed into Ponyville to visit a friend. Big Mac was helping Cherilee fix a leak in the school roof that started after the snow storms. So the two Apple sisters spent the early afternoon making a couple of apple pies.

Apple Bloom went to the door to answer the knock. The two other Cutie Mark Crusaders came in. Their ears were down.“Hey Apple Bloom, hey Applejack.” they said with a sigh.

“Howdy girls.” Applejack said, “Feelin kinda sad too, huh?”

“Yeah,” said Scootaloo.

“We really miss Twilight. First Rarity is gone and Spike and now Twilight!” Sweetie Belle said. “Pretty soon there won’t be any ponies left in Ponyville at all!” She turned to Applejack with tears in her eyes. “Applejack? Can we please be sisters again?” she asked. Applejack bent down and opened her arms. Sweetie Belle ran into them and hugged her as Applejack pulled her close.

“Course we can. I know, I know honey. It’s gonna be okay. Rarity, Spike and Twilight will be home real soon.” She held Sweetie Belle tightly and patted her back. She could hear the little voice crying and felt tears come to her own eyes.

“Say girls, how about a sleepover here tonight? No ponies but us four and Granny and Mac. We can do whatever you want.”

Sweetie Belle pulled her head back from Applejack’s shoulder and looked at her with tear-filled eyes. “Really?”

“Sure. You all go get your stuff and come on back and we’ll start by making some ice cream to go with the pie. Whadda ya say?”

“Yeeehaww!” The CMC’s picked right up and jumped up and did a high hoof.

It was a wonderful night of ice cream, and pie, playing games and trying on makeup, singing, doing makeovers and telling jokes. They built a fire in the fireplace and Applejack read fairy tales to them and then they each made up their own.

All of them ended with a purple alicorn who saved the day.

They all camped out by the fireplace and slept happily for the first time since their friend left.

In the morning they got up and with Granny Smith and Big Mac they made apple pancakes with cinnamon maple syrup. By noon, everypony was feeling much better.

“You guys want to go to the clubhouse? We haven’t had a meeting in almost a week.” Scootaloo suggested, and they all agreed. They started to clean the kitchen but Applejack, so thrilled to see them happy again, sent them on their way.

So now it was Sunday and with everything at the farm cleaned up and caught up, and it being the middle of winter, Applejack found herself in the rare position of having a free day. She decided to go for a walk.

As she strolled through the woods she thought of Twilight and their walks. She needed somepony to talk to, but there was nopony that understood her like her best friend.

She decided to stop by Fluttershy’s cottage to visit with her. They sat and talked. She loved Fluttershy but she couldn’t stop looking at Owlicious. He flew down and landed next to her. He leaned into her and nuzzled.

Fluttershy looked at them, utterly startled. “Oh my goodness! I’ve never seen that before. I mean there are certainly a lot of animals that are super affectionate, but I’ve never seen an owl be so affectionate.” She looked at the little bird. “Awww, he looks so sad. I know he must miss Twilight terribly.” she said. She looked out the window. Applejack could see her eyes brimming with tears. “Just like the rest of us.” Then the sweet yellow pony suddenly turned back to Applejack. “Oh I’m so sorry! Here I am telling you how sorry I am when you must be heart broken! You poor thing! You two had gotten so close while she was helping you get better, and once you were all better the two of you were always laughing and having fun and making other ponies laugh. Are you okay?”

“Uh- yeah, I mean I miss her like everypony else but it sounds like I’m supposed to miss her more.”

Applejack stayed and comforted Owlicious and Fluttershy. They had tea and relaxed, talking about the time they got the dragon to leave the mountain. Soon afterward AJ left for Sugarcube Corner to see Pinkie. On the way there, Dash swooped down.and hovered in the air just in front of her friend.

“Hey there farm girl - zappnin?

“Howdy Rainbow. I got all caught up with my chores at the farm and figured I’d take a walk. I went to see Fluttershy. She’s missing Twilight just like the rest of us. Owlicious is there. You might want to get some of the pets together and go visit the little fella, he’s awful down without Twilight and Spike. I feel pretty bad for him.”

“Yeah I hear you. Without Twilight, Rares and Spike, everything feels so different. You just gotta remember that Twi should be back in another week. And be prepared for a bunch of lectures on old bell bonnet. She loves that old wizard.”

Applejack chuckled “Yeah I reckon you’re right.” but her smile faded and she looked over at her friend sadly, “But I gotta tell you Rainbow, I could really go for one of those lectures right now.”

The blue pegasus landed and sat down. She hung her head and sighed. “Me too. I’d give up an afternoon of flying with Soarin just to hear her lecture me on the importance of lectures.” She looked down and pawed at the damp packed dirt in the street before looking up with a hopeful smile. “Well she’ll be back before we know it, so just chill. Anyway, I gotta get back to the weather bureau. We got some stupid meeting about those snowstorms”

“Alright, I was headed over to Sugarcube Corner. See you later.” The two ponies did a hoof bump and Dash shot up into the air.

Applejack looked at the stores as she made her way through the village. Davenport, the owner and proprietor of Quills and Sofas, was putting signs in his shop windows announcing a special on quills.

“Howdy Davenport”

“Well hello there Applejack. How’s my favorite silly pony today?”

“Pardon?”

“No ‘sitting on quills’ accidents I trust?”

Applejack looked at the store owner utterly puzzled.

“Oh, I am so sorry, you probably don’t recall any of that do you? What a shame. There was this one day - I guess you don’t remember but there was a time that you two came into my store. You were laughing at something - seems like the two of you were always laughing at something, and you started to test out some of the sofa’s while she tried out out some quills. Then you switched, and you got into a big pretend fight about which was better - quills or sofa’s. It was certainly the funniest thing to happen in this store since I opened it. - the two of you were joking back and forth making fun of each other. Wait, I remember - you were pretending to be this evil queen and Twilight was your pitiful step daughter. She thought it was strange to have a store that only sold quills and sofas, but you explained that it was perfectly normal, after all one could sit on a quill and write with a sofa. Well you know how logical Twilight is. She demanded that you demonstrate how you could write with a sofa. You marched over to my desk here, picked up a piece of paper, lifted a corner of one of the sofas, slid the paper under the leg - which as you can see is round, and it’s hollow on the inside, and you dropped the leg on the paper. Then you picked it up, and pulled out the paper which now had a large dark circle on it. “What letter is that my illiterate pony?” you demanded and she grimaced and growled but had to admit that it was the letter ‘O.’”

Davenport was laughing so hard he could barely continue. “Then she asked that you sit on a quill. You smirked at her, then lay it flat on the ground and went to sit on it, but at the last minute she used her magic to turn it vertical and…”

Applejack reached around and rubbed a sore spot on her rump, assuming that was the spot. “No, no Applejack, you never did sit on it - every time you got close to sitting on it, you’d stop and make a comment like ‘There ain’t no point to this argument!’ or ‘You ain’t a sharp as you think you, you’re just a naughty little princess.’ They were dumb things like that, but the two of you made them so funny that the whole store was laughing hysterically by the time you were done. You even got a standing ovation. I sold three sofas and two dozen quills that day. You were a very popular pair. You went all over town like a couple of comedians. I heard you went to the retirement home and put on wigs and had the old ponies laughing so hard that some of them had to take out their dentures.” He smiled at her and then his face became a little sad. “I heard Twilight left to go on some scientific expedition or something. How are you holding up? Are you okay?”

“Well yeah, I mean she’s been gone for a day or two before and we all managed without her.”

“No, I know, it’s just that we all got used to seeing you two together all the time and seeing you here without her is kind of, well... kind of sad. But I’m sure she’ll be back soon. You hang in there, you hear? And remember - quills are for, well, whatever you say they are my evil Queen!” he said with a hearty laugh. “I’m sorry, I just couldn’t resist. Oh, I should tell you that your next sofa is half price. You just let me know when you need one.”

“Well that’s mighty nice of you. Thanks, and I’ll surely do that.”

“And that goes for Twilight too. And if it’s for both of you, then it’s free!” he laughed.

“Uh, yeah…” Applejack answered, thoroughly puzzled by what that meant. “I’ll remember that. See you soon.”

“Okay Applejack, bye.”

Now what in the hay was he talking about? Me and Twi, laughing and galavantin’ around Ponyville together and

Pinkie was in the middle of preparing a huge order for a wedding and couldn’t really talk, so AJ decided she might as well head back to Sweet Apple Acres. The sun had come out again so she took the long way through town, just meandering and without realizing it she found herself in front of The Golden Oak library. Looking at it and knowing that Twilight wasn’t there depressed the hay out of her.

After some hemming and hawing, she decided to see if anypony was there. Mayor Mare had posted a list on the bulletin board in the town square of the ponies who would help if anypony wanted to check out a book. Applejack happened to have the key to the library that Twilight had given her.

She unlocked and opened the door.

“Twilight?”

Now that was dang silly. I know she ain’t here. Guess I was just hoping…well maybe somepony’s here...

She walked into the main room then went to the basement door. She called down to the basement but the lights were off and there was no answer. Several other hollers gave the same result. She looked in the reading room but it was empty. She made her way up the stairs to the living room.

Applejack walked around the room, looking at Twilight’s things. She picked several of them up and looked them. The scent in the room wasn’t the scent she’d always associated with Twilight. Twilight’s scent was certainly there, but it was layered in with other scents. There was something that registered in her, something far more familiar. It made her feel so deeply melancholy that she had to stop and collect herself. Without thinking she walked slowly up the stairs to the bed loft and sat down on the bed.

I reckon those two weeks I was here must be somewhere in my head, but I’ll be danged if I can remember any of it. I don’t know what that bump on the head did, but I know I never would have come up here and start going through Twilight’s belongings before that happened. I sure hope I didn’t do anything to upset Twilight and make her leave. Naw, that ain’t like her. Rarity maybe, but if I upset her that much, Twilight woulda’ said something to me. We’re way too close for that kind of filly nonsense.

I sure wish I could remember some of it. I’ll bet we had all kinds of fun. I wonder if there’s some kinda spell that could help me. I know there was that time when Twi was all upset in the library and Celestia had to do something to our memories, but it was pretty serious, besides, when Twilight comes back, she’ll tell me all about what we did. We’ll take one of our walks around Ponyville and through the orchard and she can tell me.

Everypony in Ponyville knows what happened those weeks but me. I got hurt, she took care of me I got better, I went home she left town. That’s it - end of story..

A ridiculous thought caused a chill and was immediately pushed away.

I was so happy and she was so happy, we was trotting around town like a couple of fillies bein silly and makin’ people laugh. I don’t know who that was or what she did, but it t’weren’t me. She was some pony who got knocked on the head! Who knows how crazy that can make a pony? Was I really actin like that? Me and Twilight? Everypony tells me so, but what to all the ponies know?.

This time she had to push a little harder to get rid of the thought.

We’re just a couple of young mares ot having fun. Twilight was obviously relieved that I was okay, I mean except for my memory and all. She was glad that her best friend was up and around - even getting silly a week after I was all better. We were just having a time for ourselves. I was scared since I didn’t know anypony else, so of course I was staying with her. Just hanging together, talking, eating together, sleeping together. You get to know somepony pretty well that way, so why wouldn’t you be happy being with them? Even silly? I’m sure we didn’t sleep together every night. I wonder what that crazy party was like? Sure wish I could remember. Maybe at first we slept together, if I was really scared and all, but that would be only one or two nights, then I would sleep in the guest bed and Twilight would sleep in her bed. That snow storm must have been something huge from what I’ve been hearing. I wonder what happened with the weather bureau? I gotta ask Dash about that later. Just because we were snowed in here is no reason for us not to sleep in different beds.

Applejack glanced over at the nightside table nearest the window. There was an empty water glass there. There were lots of watermark stains in the wood from the glass. She looked at the other side of the bed. Another glass. More stains.

That does NOT mean we had some kind of filly-foolin affair! Maybe the heat went out and we had to keep warm! Ever think of that? Just because there are a lot of rings doesn’t mean anything! I mean even if she were like that, which I dang sure know she ain’t, Twilight would never take advantage of me not knowing who I was. Of COURSE not! What an awful thought! What is wrong with me? I should be ashamed for even thinking of such a thing.

Applejack smirked and shook her head at the very idea. She got up off the bed and walked around the room and came to a picture of the six of them together. She picked it up and looked at it. In the picture she was standing to Twilight’s left, a place where she always seemed to be. She held the picture up as though it were some kind of court evidence and announced to nopony in particular:

“Yeah, me and Twilight! Lookit here - Hot and heavy! Crazy hot lovin! Ain’t that the most ridiculous thing you ever heard of? I ain’t no filly fooler - leave that to Lyra and Bon-Bon and all them. I ain’t interested!”

Applejack sat down again, placing the picture frame on the bed, and looked out the window at the hills and valley’s beyond Ponyville.

It’ll be Hearth’s Warming eve soon. I know what to get for Granny Smith. I think Apple Bloom wants a… I think she said… I mean if I had to have a marefriend who would it be? If I were to have something like that, would it be Twilight? We’re real close friends and all and maybe we spend more time together than some of the other girls. But fall in love? Like in romantic love? With a mare? That’s just crazy talk. Of all the stupid questions, that one right there has got to be the stupidest. It’s a complete waste of time to even think about! Which is why I ain’t never thought about it!”

She looked down at the picture, rolled her eyes and smiled, shaking her head slowly.

“It’s just silly, I mean just… but let’s say I had to. Like, oh… okay- somepony had kidnapped Apple Bloom and said “Pick a mare to fall in love with or you’ll never see your baby sister again!” If it were somethin like that where I really had to pick a mare?”

She looked at the picture for awhile in silence.

“Well... I reckon I’d have to say Twilight. I mean let’s face it , she is smart and could probably learn how to do at least a few things around the farm...”

Applejack picked up the picture and held it, looking at it. She didn’t say anything for a long time. She gently touched Twilight’s image with the tip of her hoof. She spoke softly.

“I mean you are beautiful. And you have given me so much comfort when I was hurtin inside. I mean really hurtin. All those talks together. I could tell you stuff I wouldn’t ever tell nopony else. You could get me to tell you about things in my heart that… .all the things we’ve shared. All those things that you told me that nopony ever knew about. I guess you know my heart better ‘n…well…”

Applejack paused and looked away, her eyes welling up.

“Maybe there was something... you know, something that was between just you and me and nopony else.” She looked back at the picture, blinked and felt the tear that had been at the edge of her eyelid fall and land softly on the glass. The little farm pony looked at the smiling face in the wooden frame.. She swallowed as another tear fell on the picture.

“Twi?” Applejacks voice was strained as she fought back the emotions.“There is something inside me that is broken and I don’t think I can fix it, it’s broke too bad. Do you know what’s wrong? What happened? Did you and me… ? Maybe we did, but it’s okay. We can put that past us and get on with things like they used to be. Right?”

Then Applejack started to cry. “Just come back to me and we can fix it, but I can’t do it alone, I can’t do it by myself. I need you to tell me what happened. I need you to help me fix what’s broke.” She began to cry harder and through a broken voice the proud little farm pony’s honest heart said what it had to.

“I need you.”

She sat looking up at the ceiling, unable to stop crying. She tried to regain control but it was useless. Not knowing why, she lifted a pillow from the bed and pressed it against the side of her face. As she did, her body began to shake with sobs that she was helpless to stop. She looked down at the living room for some clue. Her eyes came to rest on the spheres in their cradle on the mantle. They seemed important. Then she remembered - but the remembered thought seemed just out of reach and then it vanished. She reached and scrambled after it in her mind but it was gone and not a shred of it remained. Incredible pain came to fill its place and the little earth pony was powerless to stop it and so succumbed to it and lay down on the bed and cried.

______________________________________

When Applejack awoke it was dark outside. All the crying had exhausted her and she’d fallen asleep. The pillow was damp and her mane was matted. She sat up and took a deep breath. The feelings inside threatened to overtake her again, and she knew she had to get out of there, but she didn’t want to. It felt so safe, but so empty.

She stood up, turned on the lights and walked down the stairs to the living room. She called down to the library but could see that the lights were off. No answer. She walked around again, still looking for something that would spark a memory, but other than the intense but vague pain in her heart, there was nothing. She began to absent mindedly open and close drawers in desks and tables.

On one of the tables was a stack of mail; most had been opened and left in a pile. Very unlike Twilight, she thought. At the bottom of the pile were a couple of account statements from book clubs. Several of the titles had nothing to do with magic or science or astronomy. Applejack smiled. “Ohh my, Twilight, you naughty pony…” she said aloud. Then she noticed that the oldest of the mail was dated the day that she’d been hurt. As she flipped through the stack she came across an open envelope with a return address in gold leaf – “The Office of the Council Chancellor.” It was addressed to Twilight and it was postmarked the day after Applejack had been hurt. The envelope had been sealed with the Royal Canterlot coat of arms. She pulled the letter out and read it. The cursive writing was beautiful but had an official and stern feeling to it.

“Your Highness, Princess Twilight Sparkle,

Thank you for submitting your application for inclusion in the 4th tier of The Ordeals. As you are no doubt aware, due to your unique circumstances special consideration was given to your application. While there were a number of us on the council who, due to your age, as well as certain other issues., felt we would be doing you a disservice to permit your participation at this point in your life, there were several key individuals who spoke on your behalf and persuaded a majority of the council to approve your inclusion.

You are 15 years younger than anypony ever permitted to apply for inclusion in 4th tier Ordeals in the over 2000 years the trials have been conducted. Please remember that the circumstances of the trials may change at any given time at the behest of the council to judge what we have perceived as your areas of weakness.

In the event that you successfully complete the trials, your performance will be evaluated over the 3 days following the completion. You will be notified within 7 days following that evaluation, of our final determination.

Should the council conclude that you prevailed, you will be summoned to appear before them. Should the outcome be otherwise, expect to receive standard notification.

Once again, as explained to you during the application submission process, should you be approved, you will be given a date to report to the council. That date may change at any time at the Council’s behest. If for any reason you are unable to report to the council at the time requested, you will not be permitted to reapply for inclusion for two cycles - a period of 22 years. If you fail The Ordeals, you will not be permitted to reapply for 33 years. Should either of these situations come to pass, it will be considered in any future request for application.

Your initial reporting date has changed. You are commanded to appear before the council the Thursday following the next fair moon.

Sincerely
Oak Goldenhoof
Council Chancellor.”

As she read the letter Applejack’s heart began to beat faster and harder. She was past trying to stop it. She became vaguely aware how dizzy she felt and suddenly knew she had to sit down. She went to the couch and tucked a pillow against her stomach and leaned forward, clenching it there with her hoof.

The last two paragraphs were too frightening to read and the words looked all jumbled in her head. If she didn’t read them then she could just walk away and convince herself that she didn’t understand it. She was invading Twilight’s privacy and shouldn’t be reading her mail. After taking several deep breaths she tried to clear her mind and she read them again.

All the panic returned as she carefully absorbed the meaning of it. She knew what had happened without even looking at a calendar.

Twilight had given up her life’s dream to stay and take care of her, to stay and be with her.

There was only one reason that she would do that.

Applejack leaned her head back and looked up at the ceiling and bit down hard on her lower lip but knew it was hopeless. The pressure threatened to crush her. The raw emotion came pouring out, filling the empty room. Heart wrenching sobs that left her breathless, angry cries of agony.

“WHAT DID YOU DO?!! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TWILIGHT?!! WHY??!!” He head still back, she was screaming and sobbing hysterically now, fully aware of the answers. “DAMN YOU TWILIGHT!! WHY DID YOU PUT THIS ON ME??!! WHAT THE HAY DID I EVER DO TO YOU??!!” YOU RUINED YOUR LIFE!! DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU STUPID PONY??!!” The language that she’d heard in the streets of Manehattan both when she was a filly at her Aunt and Uncle Orange’s and later with her friends came blasting out of her, threatening to rip the skin in her throat to ribbons. “FOR WHAT?! DON’T YOU DARE SAY IT WAS FOR ME!! DON’T YOU PUT THIS ON ME! THIS WAS YOUR LIFE-!! HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU TELL ME ABOUT THESE TESTS?! HOW YOU DREAMED OF EVEN BEING ALLOWED TO APPLY?!! IT WAS YOUR LIFE!!”

She stopped and caught her breath as the last words rang horribly throughout the building. “Y-YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH ME DIDN”T YOU? WELL, WELL, JUST F-F-FUCK YOU!! YOU HEAR THAT? AND THE JOKE IS ON YOU SUGACUBE BECAUSE I HATE YOU! I FUCKING HATE YOU FOR THIS!! I FUCKI-”

Applejack choked on her tears and went into a violent coughing spell. For a moment she thought she would vomit but she took a deep breath and stopped it. She lay on her side on the floor in the fetal position, the letter and the pillow crushed into her stomach, her cries reduced to little mewling sounds interspersed with great gulps of air as she periodically convulsed in what had become a physical pain.

Downstairs, the library door slammed shut.

“Hey little sister, you up there? I’ve been all over Ponyville looking for you and I know you are so don’t bother denying it”

“Go AWAY!!”

At the sound of the pain in her voice, the thunder of heavy Clydesdale hooves was suddenly heard bounding up the stairs. It shook the mighty oak straight down to the roots. Big Mac ran to his sister and picked her up in his arms and held her. After a while he set her on the sofa and went to get a cold compress for her head. She had not stopped crying, but it had subsided into little shaking sobs.

“Easy there Sis, it’s okay..” he said and pulled up a chair. He slowly mopped her forehead. She wouldn't look at him, she just stared, Her eyes bloodshot and puffy. Her lower lip quivered with every breath. When she finally looked at her brother he couldn’t take the pain on her face and just pulled her to him and held her tight. He kept whispering “It’s okay, it’s okay.”

“What happened? She pulled away so she could look in his eyes.

Big Mac was worried as he looked at her. He spoke sweetly, his voice was deep, soft and warm. He smiled sadly at his little sister. “I’ve never seen her like that. You wouldn’t have recognized her AJ, or yourself. The two of you were so incredibly happy just being in the same room together. I can’t say what was in your heart or in hers, but whatever you had between you was something very special.” He looked at her and gently pushed back a piece of her mane that had fallen into her face.

“D-did she fall in love with me after I woke up? How did it happen?” Applejack sniffed. Her voice was scratchy from crying.

“I can’t rightly say. She told me she’d written a letter to you after the accident, she told me where she put it in case anything happened to her. It might help you understand.”

Big Mac went upstairs to the loft and returned with a folded letter. There were spots where the ink had run, but it was legible.

“I-I don’t know Mac. I don’t know if I can read that. I just don’t think of her like that. I love her as much as anypony in my life, I feel like she’s family, like the closest sister I ever had. We share things on walks that we never told anypony else. But that’s all”

“I think you need to read this anyway AJ. If you ever cared about her, you owe it to her. Don’t worry, I’ll stay here with you.”

“Did you read it?” she asked.

He shook his head “It wasn’t addressed to me.”

Applejack’s hooves were shaking as she took the letter from her brother. As she read it, Mac could see the tears in her eyes. He sat beside her and held her as she worked hard to suppress her sobs. She wouldn’t stop reading though.

Dear Applejack,

I need to talk to you, but I can’t, so I’m writing this to you. I may not give it to you but I need to say it…

There are things that happen in life that make you re-evaluate everything you thought you knew. When something happens that makes the things you thought were important suddenly seem trivial, you wonder what else about yourself you have been wrong about.

It’s close to 3 o'clock in the morning and you’re all I’ve thought about for the last 17 hours. Seeing you lying there so helpless, with the tubes coming out of you just terrifies me. I think about what kind of pony you are, how you are always there putting others first, usually it seems like it’s me. If anything happens to you, if you don’t pull through, and I know you’d call that “stinkin thinkin” but I just don’t know what I’ll do.

I can’t write down here what I’m feeling because I don’t know if I’m ready to admit it to myself. I have the feelings but I don’t have the words. It’s hard to think about them and I need to lie now and say that I’m not sure what they are, I think because the truth is too hard to accept.

I've discovered how important you are in my life. You are so smart, courageous, strong and so steady (and SO stubborn!) I worry about all my friends, especially when I think of all the dangerous things we've done. If I were to lose Rainbow, or Fluttershy or Pinky or Rarity, my life would never be the same, it would leave a hole in the world, and in my heart but I think with help from each other, we could all get through it.

Somehow though now it seems different, maybe it’s because you’re really hurt, but if I lost you it would be more than losing a part of my strength, of my life and my world, it would be losing a very special part of my heart, one that I don’t know if I could live without.

Why did it take this for me to see how much I love you?

Because I’ve always known how much I loved you. That’s not really it is it? It’s a little different. Okay, a lot different. I have feelings that I just don’t understand. There are feelings that have me confused about you and me. I look at you lying in my bed, seriously hurt, maybe dying, and I want to comfort you.

Oh great, now I’m crying again, but I just want to climb into bed next to you and hold you, and if you died I would gladly die there with you, as long as you were in my arms.

There are so many things I want to tell you and when I think of what they are, it scares me. I mean, I love all 5 of you but when I think about you, and telling you that I love you, I imagine myself standing there, looking into her your beautiful green eyes, and then before I know it, I hear my heart say that “all that I am loves you, with all my heart and soul, and I don’t want to live unless you’re in my life.’

It’s a different love, one that I don’t have any experience with. Maybe the sort of love my brother feels for Cadence. Until this accident I didn’t know I had these feelings.

I’m sorry, That’s a lie and you are the element of truth and would not want me to lie. I’ve never thought about mares in that way, but with you it’s different. I had just figured that one day I would find a smart and strong steed and we would marry and have foals. I will still probably have to do that unless I can find courage that I’m afraid I don’t have, that I’ve never had. Facing Nightmare Moon, Chrysalis, Discord, even Trixie, took all the courage I thought I had, but it was nothing compared to this. Courage is facing something even though you’re terrified of it. I guess it’s why I’ve never faced this. I was so afraid of the truth behind my feelings but mostly of losing you if I told you, so I never told myself.

Some Princess huh?

Now that I’m facing those feelings I need to see if I have the courage to tell you. If I can’t then I might be able to live with it as long as you were in my life. I’m sure if I told everypony how I feel I would probably be outcast by Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, and considered unfit to be a Princess.

I’ve thought a lot about this since I know that it’s not that simple. As a Princess, I have very serious responsibilities to Equestria and if I gave it up, if I abdicated, it could cause a lot of problems. Equestria has enemies who would gladly take advantage of any disruption in the royal hierarchy. Could I walk away from it to always be with you, to love you and try to make you happy? I could, for me I would, gladly, but I have so many depending on me.

It would be a lie to say that I didn’t have any idea about being made an Alicorn or a princess one day, but not so soon. My true dream would be for you to rule beside me. I could do so much for you and, well, let’s face it, I’d be going to you all the time anyway for help, just the way I do now.

I never thought anything was more important than my studies, or what Princess Celestia thought of me, or my magic, but then there was this accident and everything is different.

I love you Applejack that love dwarfs everything I used to think was important.

I guess the newest and most confusing part is, the physical part. When I think about how much I want you, you know - that way - I expect myself to feel incredible self-loathing and disgust. But I don't, I look at you there with the bandage on your head and the tubes and I want to do more than hold your hoof and comfort you, I want to hold you close to me, next to me, feeling your warmth and giving you mine. I’ve tried to tell myself that it’s wrong and to just stop thinking this way. But Applejack it won’t stop and I can’t lie to myself about it, I don’t know if I’ll ever be brave enough to tell you, or if I’ll always have to keep it inside. I only know that since the accident my life and what I value has changed and I will never be the same. No matter what happens, I love you and I will always love you.

By the time she finished she was unable to stop crying. Big Mac held her and rocked her back and forth. After she’d fallen asleep he lay her down on the sofa and covered her with a quilt. He went out and got some firewood then built a fire. He selected a book from the library and then returned to sit by the fire to read and watch over her.