The Unusual Tale of a Human Thief in Equestria

The Unusual Tale of a Human Thief in Equestria

An Unlikely Hero.

Chapter 11 - Realization.

By the time I got back to the room, the moon was already hanging low in the sky. After paying Sparky a visit I went straight back to the room. I was hoping to have enough time left to pay his pegasus friend a visit too but turns out getting out of those dungeons was a pain in the backside and I only had time for one visit.

Not that getting in was any easier. After quickly sneaking through the barracks, (Most of the guards inside were asleep, the ones who were supposed to be on duty were too engrossed in a poker game to notice me.) I made my way to the dungeons. The entrance, however, was heavily guarded, two guards standing outside the first massive steel door, then you walk a couple of feet and find another massive steel door, then there is another freaking door and another two guards standing guard inside.

I had to break into the warden's office in the barracks, get the keys and find out where my two friends were being held, then I knocked out the two guards on the outside, dragged them to the warden's office and locked the door. Not my best plan, but that's what you get when you improvise. Then I opened the middle doors, but the inner doors were on a different set of keys from the ones I found, how did I get in? Easy, the idiots left it unlocked. So much for the highest security prison in Equestria. Luna was right, these ponies have gone soft.

Inside, I knocked out the two guards on duty. These ones put up a bit of a fight, but the element of surprise and the fact that these dudes were so tired they might as well have been drunk made things a lot easier. Then I found the guard's lounge, stashed those two in a couple of empty lockers I found and looked around for some keys. Turned out each level of the dungeons had a different set of keys and a separate guard's lounge. Meaning that in order to go down to the fifth level, I’d have to find the guard's lounge on each level, get the keys for that level and then move on. Rinse and repeat until I got to the fifth.

I don't I have to say how much of a pain all that was. In the end, I had to take care of fifteen guards. I didn’t manage to hide them all that well, so by the time I had to leave the ones who were left were already searching the place for me. Luckily for me, I kept the keys for the three entrance doors, so I just locked that down when I left the dungeons and they were unable to follow me.

The barracks, however, was now on high alert. It took well over an hour to get out of that building alone, by the time I made myself scarce the whole castle guard was looking for the intruder who broke into their precious little jail and managed to get out unscathed. Maybe now they'll learn to be more careful.

Getting back to my room was easy, though, by the then word about me had already spread across the guards so I just acted like I was going to make sure the elements were safe and nobody thought to bother me.

So like I was saying, the moon was already hanging low by the time I opened the doors to my room. I knew I would only have a couple of hours of sleep ahead, so I was really looking forward to crashing on that very uncomfortable looking couch in the living room. Fate, however, had other plans.

When I opened the doors to my room I was not greeted by the empty and lavish living room that I was expecting to find. I was greeted by a very angry looking Princess of the Night.

"Janos!" She yelled angrily at me once I stepped through the doors. "Where in the name of our Mother have thy been?!"

Yes, she was slipping into that old dialect of hers. No, that was not good. "Ummm... Taking in the sights?" I answered carefully. There was, of course, no reason to lie anymore, but that happened to be my knee-jerk reaction to stumbling onto a pissed female. Not the best kind of reaction I could have, I've been told.

"Do not insult us with your fables human!" She continued, being a lot noisier than I would have liked, "The Hollows have been broken into by a mystery intruder who evaded all our security measures! And when we rushed back here to enlist your help in this matter we find you to be missing! With no explanation whatsoever as to where you have gone or why!" I tried to get a word in, but the look on her face advised me otherwise. "In addition to that you got rid of the guards stationed outside, let Twilight wander off by herself. Oh no! We apologize." Wow, her speech pattern is just going bonkers now, she must be really mad. "You've let the Element of Magic wander off guarded by a single pony and tricked the second guard into coming inside and stuffing herself with cake!"

My silence, which was a product of my choice to let the Princess vent some aggression, was mistaken for insubordination and only antagonize her further. "Well? Are you going to say something or just stand there like a buffoon?"

"First of all." I began, "Calm down, you're going to wake the girls up." Yes, she was livid now, but it was my turn to speak and she was just going to have to wait. "Second of all, there is nothing to worry about. The intruder was me." Having said that I tossed Luna the sets of keys I had kept on my person. She was so surprised she hardly managed to catch them with her magic before they hit the ground.

Seeing the weird dark blue mist forming around her horn and reaching for the keys still startled me. It was clear I would need a while to get used to that.

"What?!" I don't think I have to say she was exemplifying the epitome of grace and nobility right now. "You? Why on Tartarus would you do such a thing? Janos, you better have a very good explanation for this." Luna threatened me.

"I wanted to have a talk with Crafty Spark." I explained. "Without you and Celestia looking over my shoulder, that is." I continued talking while I moved over to the couch and sat down on it. The whole while paying attention to make sure the girls didn't wake up... Wait a second. "You said you found the sleeping guard in the next room, how come the girls are still sleeping?"

She was still too shaken to answer me though. At first she looked like she was going to go straight back to yelling, but then she sighed in defeat, rubbed her temples with a hoof, and took a few deep breaths to calm down. It actually looked like some kind of breathing exercise really, she would put a hoof on her chest, take a deep breath and slowly release it while extending her hoof in front of her.

"They are not, I sent them to a nearby room with a group of guards to escort them." She answered me. "You've left them all very worried, I believe some apologies are in order."

"Sure." I answered. "I'll get to them, don't worry."

"Now." She approached me and sat down beside me. "Why didn't you simply ask us to talk to the prisoner? We would have gladly allowed you to interrogate him."

"Because I would rather not have this kind of stuff in any official record," I explained, clearly not satisfying the Night Princess. "Also I might have had to employ some... How should I put this? coercive techniques to get him talking? Yeah, let's go with that."

Luna looked at me with surprise and a slight hint of respect. I didn't expect a reaction like that from the Princess, once I told her I was considering beating someone until he told me what I wanted. "You are aware that such methods are illegal in Equestria, are you not?" She asked me. She didn't even sound mad, it seemed to be more of a formality to her than anything. "And that any information acquired through these means are considered invalid in any investigation or trial?"

"Yeah." I answered, "That's why this never happened. No records remember?"

"And what if he talks?"

"Are you kidding me? This dude is terrified of anyone finding out he talked! He's not going to tell a soul about what happened today." She raised an eyebrow, trying to decide whether or not I was right about that. "Besides I didn't end up even touching the guy, I just scared him good and he blabbed about everything."

"Very well." Luna eventually caved in. She knew exposing this would be stupid, our only choice was to keep quiet about this. "But, in the future, keep in mind these actions will not be tolerated by the Crown. Understand?"

"Sure, Princess."

"While I do appreciate your..." Luna seemed to have some trouble finding the right word to describe my insubordination. "Initiative, in the future you will discuss such things with me before hoof."

"Whatever you say boss." I chose to play along, no need to get into a argument with her right now.

"Now. I take it you manage to coax him into talking?"

"Eeyup," I told her everything Crafty Spark told me back in the Hollows, about how there is a whole gang, or organization, behind this. How they have people on the guard working for them and about the minotaur that hired Sparky.

"I'll inform the guard about this minotaur at once." She told me once I finished talking. "Was there anything else?"

"Yes. I promised him the Crown would personally see to it that he would be protected from this 'gang' of his. Not the witness protection program mind you, I'm talking about you and Celestia taking care of this personally." I clarified, to make sure I was being clear.

"Very well, that's fair enough." She asked me, once again raising an eyebrow. "Anything else?"

"Nope, I take it the pegasus wasn't so cooperative?"

"Surprisingly, he was very cooperative." She answered, "He was quick to make a deal for his freedom, sadly he wasn't able to say much in the end."

"Why not?"

"Because as soon as he opened his mouth to speak, his heart stopped beating and he died."

I had to do a double take of that. Not surprisingly considering what I've been told. "Wait. What? His heart just stopped? Just like that?"

"It wasn't a coincidence, Janos. Somepony placed a very dangerous spell on him, obviously, they didn't want any information to get out." Luna cleared up. "Crafty Spark must have been spared because he didn't have any important information to share, not to mention the fact that he never joined this organization, perhaps you did him a favor by apprehending him so soon."

"How come I wasn't told about this?" I asked her, a bit offended they were leaving me out of the loop.

"You would have been, with all the confusion yesterday it slipped my mind. I was going to discuss it with you today. My apologies for not informing you sooner." Luna lowered her head in a respectful manner, I just waved her off and told her not to worry about it, "Oh!" She had begun to turn around in order to leave but suddenly perked up as she remembered something. "One last thing, before I leave to attend to my other duties."

Luna walked up to me and with a polite request, asked me to pull out the talisman she had fashioned for me yesterday. "What's wrong?" I asked her, a bit worried that my day could be sullied with more bad news.

"Just a little something that was brought to my attention." She answered vaguely. I felt some warmth emanating from the princess and saw the dark blue mist of energy converging on her horn. Shortly after her horn began to glow and the mist left her horn, connecting with the talisman. "It occurred to me I could make this trinket a tad more efficient, is all." I heard a hissing sound and noticed Luna's magic was inscribing something else in the talisman. It was like seeing someone write something onto a piece of gemstone with a blow torch. A very precise and intense blow torch.

Luna, herself, was looking extremely focused on her work. Her face was scrunched up into a frown and her tongue was sticking out of her mouth, she looked as if she had forgotten to keep up the regal princess act and let some goofiness slip out. It actually looked kinda of cute.

"There." She proudly declared. "It's obviously not perfect, but I dare you to find any inscriber of the academy that could devise a better set of runes than I!"

"I'll take your word for it Princess." I said, tucking the talisman back inside my shirt. "Anything else you need from me?"

"No, but tell me, what will you tell the elements?" The Princess suddenly asked me. "About your disappearance, I mean?"

"That I saw the commotion and went to see what was going on?" She didn't seem to like that answer, but it's not like there's anything else I could say really. "You know, doing my job. They'll buy it, these mares are surprisingly naive, except Applejack she always looks like she isn't buying my lies, might have to take some care around that one."

"So be it then." She said, leaving this little issue up to me. "I'll go let them know you're here and find the guards you so kindly rendered unconscious for me, make sure they will keep your little visit to the dungeons to themselves." The princess made her way to the balcony and gracefully flapped her wings, taking off. "I'll see you again at breakfast."

"Have fun!" I cheerfully yelled back at her. To which the princess responded by reminding me to meet her and Celestia for breakfast in a couple of hours.

Finding myself alone, I picked up my backpack and headed for the bathroom, a shower was sounding like a very good idea right now, especially considering I wouldn't be getting any sleep today. Stepping into the lavish bathroom I dropped the backpack onto the counter by the sink. I removed my hoodie and t-shirt and let them fall to the ground, by my feet.

I sat on the toilet which had its lid down and proceeded to take my boots and socks off, wiggling my toes around as the cool breeze touched them. Then I got up and took off my pants, leaving only my underwear to cover myself with. As I got ready for a relaxing hot shower to wash off the stress of the day, something caught my attention.

My reflection on the mirror stared back at me. I hadn't realized how badly I had neglected my appearance. My beard was way too big for my taste, especially considering how it clashed with my dark hair. Deciding I definitely needed a shave I began rummaging through the cabinets and drawers looking for a razor.

Honestly I wasn't really expecting to find anything of the sort. I mean, I saw ponies with beards around, apparently stallions do grow beards somehow, but since nobody actually shaved their faces, instead choosing to keep their beards trimmed, I didn't think they would have the same tools as humans did for that aspect of male hygiene.

But surprisingly, I did find a razor. A straight razor, looking brand new and never used before as well as a can of shaving cream, it actually looked like Celestia and Luna had this put here knowing I would need it.

I picked up the can and razor and placed them on the counter. After getting a closer look at the shaving cream I could see it wasn't pony made, the label had a picture of a very manly looking minotaur running a hand through his well-shaven face. "Sitting bull Shaving Cream -- For the real MANotaur!" I read out loud, having a small chuckle at their stupid pun. I guess creative marketing is a rarity everywhere.

I sprayed some shaving cream on my hand and got started. It had been a while since I last used a straight razor so you'd understand my initial hesitation. The feeling of a sharp blade on my throat is a very unpleasant one, and I'd much rather not relive it again.

After applying the cream to my face I got to work with the blade. After a tense couple of seconds of awkwardly trying to get reacquainted with the straight razor I finally, slowly, allowed the motions take care of themselves and let my mind wander. I went back to the train ride yesterday afternoon, back to the premonition of Crystal's granddaughter. Or at the very least to the edited version that Celestia and Luna had recounted to me.

A crow desperately following a dove, or perhaps protecting her? Was I the crow? It seemed likely, more than once was I compared to crows. Though if we're going by which animal I was most often identified with, the vultures and such were far more used to describe me and my friends. Then there was the forest, an oppressing force that seemed to be constantly trying to kill or captures both the birds. Most likely it was an allegory for some greater threat that would face me in the future, maybe it would seem to be everywhere at once, constantly attacking me and the girls, chipping away at our defenses.

But if the premonition is correct then that 'force' wouldn't fare very well against us. The crow was always fending their attacks away, even if he himself was slowly being overrun. The dove, on the other hand, was having no trouble evading the forest's attacks, gracefully evading their vines and thorns.

So what was she trying to tell me? That I should lay back and let the girls handle it from time to time? That giving my all in this would only get me killed? That I should trust them to take care of themselves? That couldn't be it, they were kids for god's sake! They couldn't handle a real fight.

The argument could be made that they have already been faced with life or death situations before and came out relatively unscathed. But those situations were... odd, to say the least. First, there was Nightmare Moon. With the exception of the manticore and the fight with the devil mare herself they were never in any real danger there. And even then the manticore was easily taken care off by a mare whose only combat experience is forcing a bunny to have a healthy lunch. Nightmare Moon, on the other hand, proved to be more trouble, but for someone powerful enough to incapacitate a pony that lifts heavenly bodies on a daily basis, she was surprisingly easy to dispatch.

Then there was Discord. I am sure that the self-titled 'spirit of chaos' is more than capable to create some serious mayhem, but all of his encounters with the elements amounted to nothing more than games. In no moment did he actually try to kill them, instead he chose to trick them into giving up or surrendering. And even when faced with his painfully obvious failure, Discord just stood there and dared them to take the shot. It's obvious how that turned out for him.

Sombra was a disappointment, to say the least. By his name and history, I expected the Slave King to present a bigger challenge than what the girls faced in the Crystal Kingdom. Their main asset was a festival for god's sake! And Sombra merely let them get away with it! Instead of trying something, anything, to wear down Cadence's shield, Sombra instead chose to wait until she grew too exhausted to maintain the spell to finally attack. Thus giving Twilight and the girls enough time to get the crystal ponies back to their old selves and find the Crystal Heart. All in all, he was easily the most incompetent of the bunch.

The only one who actually presented them with a combat situation was Chrysalis. And while they did have to fight back what seemed to be troves of changelings that day, from what I was told Chrysalis plan never involved killing anyone. In fact, it seems she ordered no ponies to be killed in order to be able to feed on as much love as she could.

So while the girls did prove themselves capable of fending for themselves, there's no telling if they would do as well as they did that day had those changelings been actively trying to kill them.

But this guy, whoever he is, seems to be taking this much more seriously than the previous threats that Equestria faced in the recent past. While I can't exactly tell what his intentions or his motivations are, I can tell he is willing to go to great lengths to succeed. He's already shown himself willing to outright kill anyone who so much as shows himself willing to utter a word about him to the princesses. He hasn't made a move on the Elements yet, but I'm willing to bet that when he does, tricks and games will not be in his M.O.

So Far Sight's vision couldn't possibly be telling me to let them handle it. If it did, why the hell would the Tree of Harmony go so far as choose me as their guardian? It could have been anyone else, and yet it chose me. Obviously, it thought I had something better to offer than another one of Celestia and Luna's guards.

But to be honest that is not what concerned me about this vision. What bothered me was the second half of it. When the crow and the dove finally escaped from the forest, the dove got away safely, seemingly refreshed from the sun's rays. But the crow seemed to be harmed by them. The sun did nothing but blind and burn him, eventually causing him to fall back into the darkness of the forest.

So if I am the crow, and the sun is Celestia, does that mean that once this whole thing is over and she no longer needs me, she'll just cast me away? As soon as the Elements are safe will Celestia throw me to her enemies?

Why would she do that? There's no reason for her to betray me like that. If anything she should probably try to keep me around as long as possible, and while this mark keeps me chained to the Elements I'll have little choice but to stick around. So why would she waste a perfectly good asset as me?

None of this makes any sense. We must be missing something.

The sound of several ponies barging in the room outside the bathroom brought me out of my musings. "Janos? Are you there?" Twilight called out to me from outside. But before I could answer her, the door to the bathroom swung open as a blue pegasus stormed in as I was holding the razor to my throat.

"Dude are you--!" Whatever Rainbow Dash meant to say was lost once she saw me standing half naked with a sharp blade to my throat. "Woah -- Uh... Sorry dude. I was just -- you know, we heard you..." I stared at the increasingly nervous pony as she tried to explain herself. "I'll just let you get back to it." She swiftly ran back outside slamming the door behind her.

"Thanks." To my credit, I managed to avoid cutting myself in surprise after my impulsive friend's interruption. I did allow myself small chuckle as she sheepishly declared to the ponies outside that I was in the bathroom, causing Applejack to laugh hysterically at Rainbow's stupidity, though she was quickly shushed by Dash, the farm mare continued to laugh regardless.

"In the bathroom!" I yelled at them, for some reason feeling the need to state the obvious. "Be out in a minute." Then I went back to my current task

"Sure!" Rainbow answered awkwardly. "Take your time. No rush." Someone said something I couldn't understand, but they were obviously scolding the impatient pegasus since she was quick to defend herself. "I didn't know that ok?!"

"Maybe if you'd let Princess Luna finish you would have." Rarity scolded her further. "Instead of barging into somepony's bathroom while they are clearly in it."

After I finished shaving I examined my face on the mirror. Thanks to some miracle I had managed to avoid cutting myself with the blade, even after Rainbow's little stunt, so I went ahead with my shower. I took my time with it too, it had been a long day and I felt like I deserved a relaxing hot shower after everything that had happened.

"Dashie, sweetie," I said as I exited the bathroom, now fully clothed. "If you wanted a closer look at my ass all you had to do was ask." She opened her mouth, no doubt to insult me or dismiss me, but I didn't give her the chance to talk. "Now would you like me to just drop my pants now or would you rather I do that in private?" I asked her while shoving my thumbs between the belt loops in my pants.

Rainbow blushed furiously at that, refusing to meet my eyes. "Oh shut up. Like anypony would want to look at that flabby rump of yours."

I brought my hands up in mock surrender. "Have it your way."

"So, what happened?" Fluttershy asked me, steering the conversation back in it's tracks. "The guards refused to tell us anything and then Princess Luna showed up in a hurry telling us you'd explain everything."

"No idea." I answered her, sitting down at the bed. "Someone broke into the dungeons, knocked out a few guards and then walked out."

"Just like that? He didn't break out any of the prisoners or anything?" Twilight asked.

"Nope, he just broke in and then left, didn't take anyone or anything with him."

"Why would somepony do that?" She asked herself. I could almost see the gears turning in her head as she tried to solve that little mystery.

"No idea, maybe he thought it would be fun."

"That doesn't sound like it would be fun." Fluttershy noted.

"Are you kidding me? It's super fun!" chirped Pinkie Pie.

We all stopped for a moment to stare at the cheerful earth pony jumping up and down with not a care in the world as if she didn't see what was wrong with what she just said. Collectively, we shrugged and decided to ignore that particular remark. Knowing Pinkie Pie it was probably just nonsense, and if it wasn't then we didn't want to know.

"Anyway." Rainbow broke the silence, bringing the conversation back into it's rails. "So what now?"

"I don't know." I answered, shrugging again. "I'm not a detective, Rainbow, I'm your bodyguard. I shouldn't even have left the room last night. Investigating break ins is not in my job description."

"That's just the thing, ain't you all finding this whole thing sorta strange?" Applejack suddenly asked the group. "I mean, why would the princesses hire you to do a guard's job? No offense sugarcube but bartenders ain't exactly bodyguard material."

"He did receive the mark Applejack." Rarity replied, "Maybe they just trust the Tree's decision."

“Yeah, I’m no more fitted for this than you girls are of being the elements. No offense but you people aren’t national heroes material either.” I argued, agreeing with Rarity.

"Still... Something don't feel right here." Applejack insisted, "It just feels like you all ain't telling us everything." She said, turning back to me.

"You all?" I asked the farm mare, seeing where this was going. Honestly, I'm surprised this didn't come up before, Applejack always seems to have a knack to tell when someone's lying or not. Some people might attribute this to her Element, but I’m pretty sure she's just good at reading people.

"No offense sugarcube." She said, apologetically. As if that phrase magically rendered the statement that followed it harmless "But it does seem like you ain't telling us everything either."

"That's the only natural isn't it?" I asked her, ignoring the worried looks that Rainbow and Twilight had plastered all over their faces. "After all, we've only known each other for a little over two weeks. There's plenty you don't know about me and there's plenty I don't know about you."

"I suppose," Applejack said, clearly getting even more suspicious. “But I still…”

"Applejack." I interrupted her. "No one here is more confused about this whole ordeal than I am, but trust me when I say that there is no weird conspiracy going on. If the princesses are not telling you something it's probably because it's none of your business to know, and I can assure you that there's a lot they aren't telling me too."

"Like what?"

I was about to answer the suspicious mare when it hit me, and I mean that quite literally. I had hardly opened my mouth when that surge of power passed right through me. It was like getting hit by the shockwave of an explosion, except I wasn’t sent flying through the air by its force. I jumped to my feet by instinct thinking someone was attacking or something and immediately regretted that decision as another shockwave ran through me, disorienting me and sending me to the ground, luckily Applejack was there to catch me, allowing me to lean into her neck for support.

“Woah there sugarcube!” She cried out. “What’s wrong?”

As yet another shockwave turned my stomach around, I noticed something very odd. Apparently nobody else in the room was having the same problem I was. Aside from looking very worried at my weird behavior, no one else in the room seem to be noticing anything weird going on.

“Don’t know.” I blurted out, quickly realizing that opening my mouth was a very bad idea if I was planning on keeping last night’s dinner inside my belly. “Bathroom.” Luckily Applejack quickly realized what I wanted and began helping me to the bathroom.

By that point, I had already realized this wasn’t some shockwave from a nearby explosion of course if it was everyone else would be worried about a lot more than me spilling dinner all over the floor. I had also realized this wasn't a one-time thing, the shockwaves were more likes pulses, like when you drop a pebble into a lake and it causes all those ripples in the water surface. And seeing as how they weren’t getting any weaker, quite the contrary actually, then I’d better start toughing it out.

Fluttershy quickly sprang into action, making sure the other worried ponies didn’t crowd around me, making sure the way to the bathroom was clear. Twilight on the other hand opted for a more practical approach. She levitated the bathroom’s trash can to me.

A trash that I held onto for dear life and let all the contents of my stomach spill into. I could quickly hear Rarity’s disgusted grunts and moans but I didn’t care. With each new pulse washing over me, came another bout of vomiting onto the can, until I was just dry heaving over a very messy trash can, while Fluttershy patted my back affectionately and held my hair back.

“Maybe it was something he ate.” Rainbow remarked. I can only imagine the murderous look Pinkie Pie must have shot her way.

“Oh god, it just doesn't fucking stop!” I mentally cursed the mysterious force that was causing me so much pain. Then it stopped. “Oh thank god.” I breathed out in relieve.

Very short lived relieve, because a mere moment later it began again. This time though the pulses came from a completely different direction. Luckily the retching stopped, leaving only the intense nausea and disorientation in it’s place, allowing me to let go of the trash can for a moment to try and find out what was going on.

I raised my head looking for these pulses or shock waves or whatever, where coming from, and once I found it, it became very clear what was going on. Looking out through the balcony I could see one of the castle towers, the highest one in fact, where I knew for sure was where the pulses were originating. How did I know that you ask? Well, the pillar of golden energy rising out of it and shooting into the sky was a bit of a giveaway.

“Holy shit.” I uttered in awe, as the sky slowly turned from night to day. This wasn’t some mysterious force or someone suddenly attacking the castle. This was Luna and Celestia turning the day from night with their magic. This was me feeling the ripples their magic were sending through the atmosphere as it shot into the sky to grip two celestial bodies and move it around like baseballs.

This was me realizing how stupidly powerful these two mares were, that the mere ripples their magic produced were enough to drop me to the ground spilling my stomach out in front of me. If Celestia wanted me dead, there was hardly anything I could do to stop her.

“Janos? Are you ok?” Fluttershy snapped me out of it.

“Yeah Fluttershy. I’ll be fine.” I lied.