The Unusual Tale of a Human Thief in Equestria

An Unlikely Hero.

Chapter 12 - Briefing Agent Janos.

“Please have a seat.” Luna motioned me to a set of cushions around a small table, in which I immediately seated with a curt nod.

After the Royal Armourer presented us with my “armor” and Rarity saw to it that it fitted me properly, the Princess requested I join her and Twilight for a small discussion in her chambers.

The armor by the way wasn’t exactly an armor, more like a uniform. It resembled the stuff you see the Three Musketeers wearing. With those large sleeves, the vest, cape and fancy hat. Yes, they gave me a fancy hat with a long feather on it. I was very pleased with it.

The whole thing was stylized after the night Princess, considering I worked for her and everything. I wore her traditional colors, dark blue and silver. The suit itself was tinted dark blue with silver embroidery here and there. The steel shoulder-guard I wore on my right shoulder was also painted dark blue and had the white crescent moon symbol emblazoned in it. The musketeer hat (or cavalier.) was made from felt. One of the sides was folded and pinned to the side with a brooch that held the feather in place.

It wasn’t all made from cloth though. The vest was an artificial replacement for leather, (also tinted dark blue with some silver embroidery on the edges.) And underneath it I wore chain-mail, which was much lighter than I expected. The cavalier boots were also made from a leather substitute but these were kept black. The gloves on the other hand were a bit special. They actually had steel lined inside them, resulting in extra protection for my hands and some handy metal studs on my knuckles in case I need to punch something.

All in all I was satisfied with my new gear. True it wasn't as high tech as what I used to have, (Even if my own gear back home was very outdated.) but it was light and sturdy, not to mention I looked very good in it after Rarity’s last minute adjustments. My only complaint was the big flowing cape bearing Luna’s moon in it. Capes were a liability and I’d rather not telegraph my alliances to everyone around me. But I could always get rid of it. Later though, might as well humor my employer a little bit.

“How does the suit feel?” Luna asked me once she herself had sat down and made herself comfortable.

“It feels great.” I answered her, setting my hat down at my side and running a hand through my hair. “Though my legs and arms are a bit vulnerable.” I mentioned. And it was true the lack of protection aside from cloth on my legs and arms did bother me a bit.

“I’ll let Furnace know.” She nodded. “So before we begin, would any of you two like something to drink?”

“Tea is fine Princess.” Twilight answered.

Luna nodded and fired up her horn. I was already very aware of the power radiating from both alicorns in the room. Now I was doubly so. It seemed that with each passing moment, this new sense of mine improved. Or maybe alicorns just make my magic sense go haywire.

“No offense Your Highness, but you wouldn’t happen to have anything stronger would you?” I asked her, hoping I could get a decent drink.

“Really Janos? At one in the afternoon? You shouldn’t even be drinking.” Twilight chastised me. “Not after your episode this morning.”

“I agree with Princess Twilight, Janos. Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Luna also voiced her concern.

“Nope, but that never stopped me before.” I answered with a smirk, causing Twilight to roll her eyes in frustration.

“I have some cider. It’s light enough to not worry me and should satisfy you.” Luna decided. Using her magic, she levitated our drinks and set them on the table, serving each of us in turn.

I moved to serve myself but her magic was faster than me. “Not to worry, you are a guest in my chambers, I shall serve you Janos.”

I shrugged. Not like it mattered anyway.

For a second we silenced ourselves while each of us tasted our drinks. The was good but too weak for my needs right now. I took a moment to take a look around the place.

Luna’s room was placed in the Observation Tower. Fitting that the Night Princess lived in a observatory. It was actually a pretty big place, with its own kitchen and everything. The walls were covered in paintings that highlighted the night sky. There were decorative swords and shields on the walls and a couple of banners featuring the crescent moon. It didn’t have a balcony, but I assume if Luna wants to go outside she’ll just take a flight of steps up to the observatory.

“So what exactly do you want to talk about Princess?” I asked her after a long sip of cider.

“And why isn’t Princess Celestia here?” Twilight added.

“My sister is very busy with her Day Court so she won't be joining us.” Luna answered Twilight. “As for the topic I wish to discuss, it’s a simple one. How are you finding Equestria Janos?”

I blinked. Really? All that ceremony, asking Twilight’s friends to leave us, just to ask how I’ve been settling in? “Doesn’t Twilight send letters every week reporting on how I’m doing?”

Twilight shot me a surprised look. Clearly she didn’t know I was aware of that. Which tells me I shouldn’t be.

“Yes she does.” Luna agreed, not looking bothered by the fact that I knew about the letters. “But I wish to hear it straight from you.”

“I’m doing fine.” I replied. “Equestria is a bit overwhelming. Especially with this whole Mark of Harmony thing, and the magic screwing around my head. But I’m nothing if not adaptable.”

“Glad to hear it. I’m aware you’re having some trouble fitting in with Ponyville’s populace.” She said. “How do you feel about that?” Who is she? My psychiatrist?

“Whether or not Ponyville likes me is irrelevant.” I answered. “I’m there to do my job, not make friends.”

“It still bothers you though.” Twilight called me out.

“You would be bothered too if you couldn’t walk down the street without the whole city stopping everything just to stare at you.”

“The ponies of Ponyville are just very cautious about anything weird or unusual. It usually means trouble for them.” Twilight reasoned. “They’ll warm up to you. Eventually.”

“Ah yes.” Luna spoke up, reminiscing about something. “I remember my first Nightmare Night there. They were very… skitterish.”

“Yeah, that town is the center of an absurd number of disasters lately.” Twilight mused out loud.

“What can one expect? They did build it right next to the Everfree.” Luna mentioned. “It was bound to end in some sort of trouble.”

“I suppose.” Twilight said, clearly not convinced.

“Now to more pressing matters, your coming assignment.” Ah, so that’s why I’m here. ‘I’ve arranged transportation for you, you will be leaving this afternoon, at four, two of my guards will take you straight to Ore Valley in a sky chariot. The journey should take a few hours, you will be in Ore Valley around eight.”

“Got it.”

“There you will join with the rest of my guards. A squad under the command of Lieutenant Troubled Skies. You are to work with her to solve the Diamond Dog problem in the region.”

“I know all that.”

“I’m aware that you know. I just want to brief you properly. We still haven’t had the opportunity for that.” Luna answered, impatiently.

“Who are these ponies I’m supposed to work with? Are they capable? Or as useful as the ones guarding your prison?”

“You don’t trust the guard?” Twilight asked.

“Well when I can infiltrate a high security prison with an improvised plan and almost no equipment. No I don’t trust them.” I answered.

“Wait, you did what?” The young Princess asked in confusion, before her little brain made the connections. “You were the intruder?! Why in the name of pony would you break in the Hollows?!”

“He wished to interrogate Crafty Spark,” Luna answered for me.

“You could’ve just asked Janos. I’m sure the Princesses would let you in to talk to him.”

“I wanted to keep it off the records.” I explained her. “Besides, it was way more fun that way.”

“You’re insane. Absolutely insane. The Hollows are the highest security prison in Equestria!”

“Yes, and I broke into it alone, with no plan and no magic or equipment.” I repeated. “Speaks volumes for the Guard standards doesn’t it?”

“I agree with Janos. The Guard has proven disappointing so far.” Luna interrupted us. “But I assure you, the Night Guard, although small, is much more capable than my sister’s complacent soldiers.”

"My brother is one of those complacent soldiers, Princess,” Twilight said slowly. A sour expression on her face.

“I mean no disrespect, Princess.” Luna apologized. “But my sister has grown very lenient in the training of the Royal Guard in the past thousand years. I understand the long period of peace we’ve been having makes an army seem less necessary. But we should always have a force at the ready. When Chrysalis invaded Canterlot, the Guard was subdued in a matter of hours.”

“That wasn’t my brother’s fault, he was being brainwashed by the changeling queen!” Twilight defended her brother. But Luna simply shook her head.

“Chrysalis is a cunning fiend and I do not fault Shining Armor for not seeing through her disguise. However his guards should have been more well prepared for the attack, especially when they knew it was coming.” The night Princess argued back. Seeing Twilight offer no counter arguments, Luna turned to address me. “The Hollows have been mostly empty for the past decades, since there have been fewer and fewer criminals imprisoned there. Therefore it’s been running on a skeleton crew. No wonder it was so easy to infiltrate.”

“I thought so.” I nodded my head as Luna confirmed my suspicions. Seems the Guard has really been swept under the rug with this whole peace time thing.

“My soldiers are being trained as if we were at war. They know what’s at stake and have been sent on numerous missions since my return. They have training, equipment and experience. They are superior to other Guards in all aspects but one, they are still a very small force, one fourth the size of the Regular Guard and half the size of the Day Guard. But that is an issue only time will fix.”

“Good to hear that.”

“And these ponies you will work with today will make the basis for the team who’s going to be in charge of protecting the Elements. I want you to choose a few of the ponies in that squad to make up this new team of guards. Troubled Skies will assist you in that task as well.”

“Does that mean she’s automatically in that team or does she need my approval as well?” I asked.

“I wish to hear your evaluation of her, but yes she will be a member of that team and it’s co-leader alongside you.” She answered.

“So now there’s going to be a whole team of ponies following our every move?” Twilight asked, disliking this turn of events. “I really don’t like this invasion of privacy.”

“You’re a princess now Twilight Sparkle, you will need protection. In the future you will have your own branch of the Royal Guard to train and administer.” Luna explained.

“I understand that.” Twilight conceded. “But my friends aren’t royalty. They deserve a normal life, without a bunch of ponies following their every move.”

“As long as they are the bearers of the Elements of Harmony, a normal life will always be out of question Twilight.”

“That isn’t fair though!” She protested. “None of us chose this.”

“Life isn’t fair Twilight.” I told her, meeting her eyes with a serious stare. “The sooner you come to terms with that, the better.”

“I assure you Twilight, their privacy will be respected. But they still need protection.” Luna tried to reassure the young princess. “We’ve tried keeping our distance and not interfering in your lives. But with the Tree choosing a new guardian and now this group of ponies keeping tabs on you… We cannot allow ourselves to leave you or your friends unsupervised.”

“I know that.” Twilight sighed, casting her gaze down. “I just wish it didn’t have to be this way. This whole thing is so unnerving. I mean, there's a whole group of ponies watching our every move! There’s so many questions unanswered here. How long have they been doing this? Are they just watching me or my friends too? What do they want? How did they know where we were?” Wow, this whole thing is really taking a toll on her. She looks very stressed out, I didn’t notice it before. She must have been hiding it from her friends trying not to worry them.

“I understand your concern Princess Twilight.” Luna said, extending one wing over Twilight in an attempt to offer some comfort. “But you must be brave, for yourself, your friends and your subjects. You faced many dangers before and many more will come. You must keep your wits about you and most important of all. Keep fighting.”

“It's not the same.” She argued. “All the threats before, we knew what we were dealing with. This is different, we know next to nothing about these ponies. The only time anything similar happened was with Chrysalis, but even she revealed herself pretty quickly. It was fairly straightforward.”

“Relax, they brought me into this remember?” I said, lifting my arm, even though the mark was hidden underneath my clothes. “There isn’t a pony alive that can stop me.”

“Yes the morally ambiguous extradimensional creature with unstable magic.” She stated in the most monotone she could probably muster while still sounding sarcastic. “How reassuring.”

“Beat your guards.” I polished my nails on my vest for added douchiness.

She simply stuck her tongue out for me. At least she seemed to lighten up.

Luna simply chuckled at our little argument but quickly composed herself. “Lastly but not least.” She declared. “I have an extra assignment for you. Celestia personally asked me to have you take care of this.”

I opened my mouth to speak but Luna beat me to it.

“Yes, you will be payed extra for it.” Twilight rolled her eyes once again.

“Then go right ahead, Your Highness.”

“We wish for you to take an extra pony on this mission.”

An extra? Oh this does not bode well.

“Who?” I asked, already fearing the answer.

Luna simply smiled a knowing smile. “Come in!” She yelled for the door. Which immediately opened to reveal a unicorn.

He was a big unicorn. White coat and blonde mane, both seemed to be extremely well taken care off. Reminded me of Rarity and her constant care for her appearance. He wore only the collar of a suit, will never understand what’s up with that. His cutie mark was a compass rose.

His ‘full of himself look’ immediately told me this guy was an asshole, but who knows? I have been wrong before. In addition to that he looked big and strong, obviously someone who worked out. But muscles aren’t everything, technique can be much more important. But still, he could actually be of some help.

“Blueblood.” Twilight cursed under her breath. Her look of disgust and contempt did not speak well for this guy.

“Prince Blueblood, Your Highness.” The stallion in question corrected her as he bowed. “A Princess of Equestria should be mindful of the proper titles of the noble houses.”

What a tool. I hope to god this is the guy who’s going to take me to the pony who’s coming with me.

“Hello Prince Blueblood.” Luna greeted him. “Has my sister explained your punishment for you?”

Not boding well for me so far.

A sour look immediately spread over his face. The kind of look someone makes when the garbage truck passes by.

“Yes, Auntie Celestia did inform me of that.” He answered.

Wait. Auntie Celestia? Auntie? What the fuck? Luna has kids? And it’s this asshole? She just got back from the moon, is everyone in this place a literal millennial? Or is there a third sister I’m unaware of?

“He is not actually our nephew.” Luna explained, seeing my confused face. “The main families in all noble houses are considered family by us. As the older son in his family Blueblood is considered our nephew and therefore royalty.”

“Though he has no real power.” Twilight added.

“You know as well as I do that being a princess of Equestria is not the only way to acquire political power Your Highness.” He replied with a smug smirk on his face. “Is this the commoner who’s supposed to look after me?” He asked Luna lazily pointing in my direction with a hoof and a disgusted look on his face.

“What?” I asked no one and everyone in particular.

“Yes he is.” Luna affirmed. “This is Janos, My first Agent in the new Night Guard and the human who will be in charge of you during this mission.

“What?!” I asked again, my neck whipping around to face to Luna at such speeds Twilight actually made a double take to make sure my neck hadn’t snapped.

“Prince Blueblood here has been needing a lesson in humility and self reliance.” Luna explained, much to the dislike of the stallion in question standing in the room. “So my sister and I decided he is to come with you on your mission. He will be under your command the whole time and hopefully he will learn something useful for a change.”

“I cannot believe father allowed this.” Blueblood muttered under his breath.

“Your father shares our concern Blueblood. He was most pleased with our decision.” Luna answered him to his surprise.

“What concern?!”

“That you are a disrespectful little brat who thinks too highly of himself.” Luna said, dryly. “Hopefully, Janos can change at least one of those things.”

“Princess, you can’t honestly mean to dump this guy on me and expect me to keep him alive and complete the mission at the same time!” I pleaded.

“Excuse me?! Did that commoner just call me ‘guy’?” Blueblood asked on the verge of a hissy fit. Twilight nodded silently while sipping her tea.

“We’ll be paying one third of your current fee for this assignment alone.” She declared, a knowing smirk across her face.

“Auntie! Won’t you reprimand him! He insulted a member of the royal family to the face of three royals of Equestria!” He continued. Twilight smile widened.

Well, that is a good offer. “Half.” I counter offered.

“I’m afraid this isn’t negotiable Janos.” She replied.

“If you want to dump him on me, then it goddamn better be.” I pressed.

“Dump?!” Blueblood was red as tomatoes now. “I am royalty! Not a sack of potatoes to be dumped on the common folk! You should be honored to serve as my guard! This is outrageous.” He stamped on the floor in anger.

“A third is more than enough Janos.” Luna was clearly beginning to be annoyed by her nephew, judging by the look she gave him.

“Enough?!” I asked, “Look at that asshole!” I said pointing at the grown unicorn on the verge of a hissy fit. “Half is still cutting you some slack! I’ll have to deal with him for the better part of a week! At least.”

“That’s enough!” Blueblood yelled for all the castle to hear. “Auntie Luna, I demand you incarcerate this petulant monkey at once!”

I was already beginning to open my mouth in order to bargain more when I froze. Even Twilight looked terrified.

The look on Luna’s face was terrifying. That look of utter rage hidden beneath a veil of calm and grace only a woman is capable of mustering.

“You demand?” She asked with frightening calm. “You demand?!” She raised her voice ever so slightly and Blueblood shook.

I don’t mean shifted slightly because of discomfort. His whole body shook as one.

“YOU INSUFFERABLE BRAT! YOU DARE MAKE DEMANDS FROM THE PRINCESS OF NIGHT!?”

I had never seen the Canterlot royal voice before, and in that moment I wish I hadn’t. It wasn’t just yelling. Oh no. Luna was actively pushing Blueblood away, causing him to skid backwards with only the force of her voice. I bet she could uproot a tree with that set of lungs. There wasn’t even any magic involved, I would know.

“YOU WILL NOT ONLY BE UNDER THE DIRECT COMMAND OF JANOS YOU WILL BE UNDER THE DIRECT COMMAND OF EVEN THE LOWLIEST OF RECRUITS IN THERE!” She continued. “IF THAT BACKWARDS OUTPOST HAS A SHERIFF WHO CAN’T EVEN READ OR WRITE THEN YOU WILL ANSWER TO HIM AS WELL!”

Jesus the guy was terrified and rightly so I’m glad she isn’t directing this ungodly force of nature against me.

“JANOS!” She yelled, directing that ungodly force of nature against me. “I WANT YOU TO TREAT HIM LIKE TRASH UNDERSTOOD?! IF I HEAR OF YOU ALLOWING HIM TO USE HIS STATUS TO GET OUT OF HIS DUTIES THEN YOU WILL BE IN JUST AS MUCH TROUBLE AS HIM, I AM CLEAR?!”

I am not going to lie. She tossed me on my back with just her voice. Even Twilight ducked from cover and she wasn’t even the target.

“Yes. Perfectly clear ma’am!” I yelled back. My ear drums permanently damaged.

“GOOD!” She paused, suddenly aware of the scene she was causing. Luna sheepishly cleared her throat and repeated. “Good.”

“You’ll be rewarded with one third of your current fee, correct?” She asked me in her regular, yet strained, voice.

“Eeyup, whatever you say, Your Highness.” I agreed, fearing for my life.

“Excellent! Then you are all dismissed.” She declared. “Not you Twilight. As a fellow Princess, I can’t actually dismiss you.”

“No problem, Princess I’ll be going. Stuff to do, places to see. You know how it is.” Twilight resurfaced from under the table, her hair a jumbled mess. “Come along boys, let’s give the Princess some privacy.”

I immediately obeyed, got up, picked up my hat from across the room, and left dragging a shivering Blueblood behind me.

As soon as we were out of Princess Luna’s chambers Twilight turned to me and with a sympathetic smile spoke. “I’m so sorry you’re going to spend the next week stuck with him. Good luck, you’ll need it.”

Yeah. I turned to the pathetic mess of nerves on the floor. Look at him, covering his eyes with his hooves. Pathetic. I can't even punch him for the monkey comment.

No Twilight, luck hasn’t been on my side lately. In fact I think it may be actively working against me.

Author's Note

I am back! Sorry for the long wait folks. Life got in the way.
But rest assured Janos will be coming back these next few months.