The Unusual Tale of a Human Thief in Equestria

The Unusual Tale of a Human Thief in Equestria

An Unlikely Hero.

Chapter 6 - Where Rarity accidentally confesses her love for me.

Following our little adventure at the old castle, my life took a turn to the boring. Because of my busted arm, I was forced to spend most of my time taking it easy, so my days mostly consisted of a certain cycle. I would spend the better part of a day hanging around one of the girls, mostly doing nothing, so each day I would stay with a different one until day seven where I would reset back to the first one, it didn't come to this quite yet but it was a nice system. There were some problems, though.

This proved particularly hard with Rainbow since her job mostly consists of flying around the entirety of Ponyville, so I decided to just sit back and relax by the lake where she usually practices after her shift. She would find me there after work and proceed to 'impress' me with her amazing skills and expert flying techniques. All joking aside, she is a pretty awesome flyer, or maybe that's just me being so unfamiliar with the world of pegasi stunt flyers that I think any amateur looks amazing. So perhaps we shouldn't take my opinion so seriously.

Luckily enough my busted arm gave me a great excuse to avoid having to help Applejack with farm work. However, I did have to watch over her little sister and help her with homework and stuff. Not that I'm complaining, Applebloom is actually a very sweet kid and I did have a lot of fun providing emotional support while she took care of her own chores.

Fluttershy was simply pleasant. We had tea and talked about a lot of different things, and she provided plenty of valuable insight on the little side project I had picked up. But more on that later. Also, she actually had her little rabbit, Angel, apologise for the little stunt he pulled back at the Castle of the Two Sisters, granted that might have been one of the fakest and half-assed apologies I've ever seen, but the sight of a talking yellow pegasus forcing a semi-sentient bunny to apologize to me kinda overshadowed that.

Rarity was also the same sort of quiet pleasantness. I would mostly help her around the shop, while my arm did prevent me from doing certain things, it was still fairly easy to carry rolls of fabric and mannequins (pony quin ns?) around. She did try to stop me from overexerting myself and ending up more hurt than I already was, but I shrugged her off. By the third day the treatment, Doctor Horse, and Twilight devised for my unique physiology was already working wonders and my arm was almost completely healed. And I was only using my free arm so it's not like it would cause that much trouble.

I also got to meet Rarity's little sister that way. And I've got to say, I don't think I've ever seen something quite as cute as that in years, after the initial shock of seeing a freaky six foot clothed, hairless ape rummaging through her fridge wore off, she quickly began pestering me with question after question that ranged from the most banal to surprisingly insightful stuff like if I wore all those clothes because I didn't have any fur to keep myself warm myself. I mean, sure it's pretty obvious, but I didn't expect a ten-year-old to jump to that conclusion so fast.

All in all, this week was an amazing opportunity for me to catch up on all the books Twilight set aside for me. Everything from history and geography to bestiaries and basic magical theory, basically anything Twilight thought would relate to my job and help me settle in. Oddly enough plenty of the historical books were hilariously outdated, even more strangely this seemed to mostly apply to the non-pony related books, or to books written by non-ponies, of which the most recent was around some hundred years old. But, according to her, this was mostly a problem concerning the Golden Oak Library. Canterlot's Royal Library, on the other hand, was constantly kept up to date, while she had to make do with whatever she found when she took over the local library and with what her budget could get her. I asked her why she had never ordered some new copies from Canterlot, since she obviously has the means to do so (especially now that she was royalty), her answer was that she didn't want to overstep her boundaries, after all, she had a budget for a reason.

The bestiaries, however, were much more recent. Mostly because they were all written by ponies from Equestria and such were easily distributed around. The interesting thing here is that most of the monsters and creatures in this land seem to be the myths and legends found back home, sure plenty of the creatures described here don't look exactly like what the legends say they do. But that's to be expected. What isn't so fun is the prospect of having to face one of those things in the future, especially when the forest right next to town is the natural habitat to quite a handful of these species.

So I decided to use my recently acquired free time to begin my own set of notes, most of my time was spent researching these creatures, or at the very least the ones I was more likely to encounter, I obviously couldn't go out in the field to study them but I could compare the differences between authors and researchers and them transcribe everything I found in separate files so I could have quick access to these notes. Needless to say Twilight would be ecstatic to find out I could be such a scholar, which is why I kept my work hidden from her.

Well, I wasn't hiding stuff in secret compartments or anything, I just made sure not to work on it while she was around to see me, or I would work when I was with the other girls, who promised not to tell Twilight about it, (even though with the exception of Rainbow, I didn't have a lot of opportunities to focus on my work), and kept my notes and such simply out of sight.

I should have known, however, that you can't hide science from Twilight Sparkle. Sooner or later her 'nerd radar' will pick you up. Unfortunately, that fateful day was today.

It had been a quiet morning so far. Five days after we came back from the Castle of the Two Sisters and my arm was now pretty much back to full strength. I was working on my little pet project in my room, and as is the norm when I do research, the place was a mess. Papers and books were spread all over my bed, which became my temporary work desk since I don't actually have one. There was a pile of books next to the bed and the trash can across the room was surrounded by a multitude of crumpled balls of my failed or sub-par work. Yeah, I also don't know how I made it to day five without her noticing it.

But my peace was interrupted when Twilight simply barged into my room without so much as knocking, "Janos, I wanted to check if tofu was alright with you, we couldn't find any..." She trailed off upon seeing the mess in front of her eyes, and the lone human sitting on the bed with his legs crossed and plenty of open books and papers surrounding him. "Are..." She began, unsure of what she was seeing, "Are you doing research?" Twilight finally asked, with that tone of incredulity she gets every time I'm caught being smarter than she expects me to be.

I looked around slowly, and quickly developed the perfect answer to that question, "Maybe?" Perfect save. "Also tofu is not an acceptable replacement for meat, It insults me that you had to ask."

"Since when?"

"I don't know, since they came up with it I guess."

"No, since when have you been doing this?"

"Oh! Pretty much since you gave me the books." I answered stretching my back and moaning slightly at the satisfying pops from my spine. "Figured I could do with a complete portrayal of the species." No reason in trying to lie anymore.

Twilight picked up my notes with her magic and quickly read through a couple of them "Manticores, cockatrices, lamias and hydras." She whispered as she went along. After she was done she would carefully put each note in the exact place where she found it. "You're comparing different authors and editions, highlighting disparities on their works..."

"Yeah, plenty of them have very differing opinions about some of the creatures, I'm just trying to get everything in one place for ease of access." I explained, "Not very concerned with what version is right or wrong at the moment since I can't really prove or disprove their claims."

"There is even some stuff here I'm pretty sure I've never read about! Where did you get that information?" She finally noticed what I was dreading so much. More reasons for more dreaded hours long interrogation sessions with Sparkle.

"Those are whatever I can remember from the legends back home, plenty of these creatures show up in human folklore at some point or another and some of the stuff I heard about isn't touched on in your books. So I decided to include that too, just in case we were onto something." I don't think I've ever seen someone's eyes light up with such joy and wonder before. Maybe that time Emyr got the green light to use all our supply of C4 for the escape plan that time... All forty pounds of it. It's a good thing we were in the middle of nowhere so no civilians could be hurt because I have never seen a medieval castle fall that fast before.

People like us are the bane of historians and archaeologists everywhere.

But I ramble, back to the matter at hand. "C'mon Twilight, I told you about that before," I argued, getting just a tad bit scared with her nonsensical rambling.

"I just didn't think you had any actual information about that except what you might vaguely remember from some unreliable source." She finally addressed me, "This is amazing! Do you know what this means?"

"No?"

"We could be research buddies!" Twilight gleefully exclaimed, hugging me and jumping up and down on my bed, suddenly completely unconcerned with maintaining my organized chaos... Well, organized. "I finally have somepony to help me go through the books together! I could get stuff done twice as fast!"

"Please don't." I somehow managed to speak as she crushed my head between her forelegs and chest. I was suddenly very aware of how naked and feminine Twilight was. Me noticing these mares in a (dare I say it?) 'sexual' manner was starting to become more frequent as the days passed.

Gods, I really miss human women. I should have packed some magazines or something for that trip.

"Nonsense, we'll be the best research buddies ever! Of all times!" She squeezed harder, and then I found out ponies can be surprisingly strong. "Oh, there is so much you can help me with!"

Needless to say, this wasn't going well. Don't get me wrong, Twilight is a wonderful girl but when we get to science territory she gets a bit too excited. I can hardly deal with her 'interviews' about the human world, and while I do consider myself a pretty big nerd and am happy to help where I can, there is only so much I can put up with. After all, I did choose 'miscellaneous unlawful activities' and not 'science' as my career of choice.

"Twilight. Twilight." Managing to wrestle myself out of her grip, even with the now piercing pain in my shoulder. I shoved her gently aside and began to pick up the stray notes she had tossed aside in her excitement. "I was hired as your bodyguard remember? Not your assistant, you have Spike for that already."

"Spike is a great librarian assistant." She said, getting the hint and putting some space between the two of us on the bed, she also noticed her mistake and began to recover the notes she tossed everywhere. "But he is not a really good scientist assistant you know?"

"Just to clarify, I'm not much of a scientist either. I just know my away around books and stuff." I argued.

"But that's all I need you for." She whined. "C'mon Janos, pleaaaaaase?" Goddammit I can't handle the puppy face.

"Fine. I'll help." She immediately began to celebrate but I quickly cut her off.

"But only when I'm free, don't expect me to drop everything to go catalog a bunch of books with you."

"Where did you learn that by the way?" She asked, now glancing through the notes and putting them in some order. "I'm guessing 'Thief School' didn't really teach you all that."

"Actually it did. It wasn't a school, though, more like a small training facility for kids who dreamed of making it big in the criminal underworld." I explained, "They taught us all sort of stuff there."

"Really? I always assumed you just kind of ended up being a thief."

"I keep telling you Twilight. Master Thief, not thief." I reminded her once again. "It's not just boasting and it's definitely not the kind of stuff you just end up doing."

"You'll have to tell me more about that later." Oh no I won't. "Now, stop trying to change the subject by getting me to focus on snippets of information I would find interesting." Crap, she's onto me. "So, the first order of business as my new researching assistant." She declared proudly "You must tell me all about these legends of yours, it would be amazing to see how another culture completely unaware of ours, perceives our world. It could tell me a lot about you humans"

"I'm busy for today. Gotta meet Rarity for lunch and get her to take my measurements" Twilight opened her mouth to complain but luckily I was faster. "But tell you what, I'll give you my notes once I'm done, deal?"

"I still want to interview you on that matter."

Cussing silently I nodded in agreement. "But some other day, I'm busy right now."

She pondered for a moment before presenting her counter offer, "Can I keep the ones you're already done with?"

"Sure." I conceded, just happy I managed to avoid another session with Twilight. That day will eventually come, but by the gods will I use any and all opportunity to postpone it. "Look, I gotta go I'm already a bit late. Can you fix the mess you just made on my room?"

"Sure, but... Hey! Where are you going? I haven't finished talking. Janos!"

I was already putting on my hoodie, grabbing my rifle from it's resting place beside the bed and walking out the door, not wanting to actually give her a chance to stop me. "The ones I'm done with have my initials on the back!" I yelled from outside my room, ignoring her pleas. "Thanks, Twilight! You're amazing, I love you!" I greeted Spike one the way, who was probably coming to check out what all that noise at eleven in the morning was about, and gave him the signature look of 'cover for me' and was I out the door and on my way to the restaurant where I was to meet Rarity in seconds.

So, after a long walk filled with more delightful gawking, which I was learning to avoid having to endure by using the hood, I managed to get to the restaurant with a couple of minutes to spare. It was a relatively fancy place, which was no surprise considering Rarity picked the place. As is common in these places, there was one of those waiters who do nothing but direct people to their seats and stuff, that you had to go through in order to get a table, it was a stallion sporting a light yellow coat, lighter than Fluttershy's, and a dark blue mane and tail, who was only wearing a bow tie, the collar of a tuxedo, and the most pitiful mustache I have ever seen.

"Hi, can you tell me if a Miss Rarity has arrived already? I'm supposed to meet her for lunch?" I asked the stallion in a polite and friendly manner. He gave one of those looks, where they look at you from top to bottom with that indistinct hint of annoyance that is only reserved for the kind of people that think jeans, a hoodie and a severely unkempt hair and beard are acceptable in such an 'illustrious' place. My beard, by the way, looked as you'd expect it would after being left on its own since I arrived in Equestria, by that I mean it was already covering my whole face and becoming quite bushy, it was also the color you would expect from an old man, pretty much all white, betraying the hair dye I use to hide what has become my hair color for the past twenty or so years when my hair turned white for some odd reason.

"I'm afraid she has not arrived, Sir." His voice, with a refined, and slightly french accent, revealed him to be a lot older than he looked. I was immediately put off by the fact that he did not even bother to check the book by his side, instead, preferring to just shrug me aside like that.

"Why don't you check your little book before assuming stuff, Mr. I'm-naked-from-the-neck-down." I shot back at him. People like that piss me off so freaking much.

The waiter gave me a confused look for a second before sighing and going over his book, a quick read later he turned back to me. "She has not arrived as I said, but there is a reservation under that name for twelve o'clock."

"Great, just give me a table for two and I'll wait for her."

"I'm afraid I can't do that Sir." He replied, "The reservation is for twelve o'clock."

"So?" I asked, not seeing the problem.

"It's currently eleven fifty."

"You're joking right?"

"Of course not Sir. I would never jest with a guest." He replied, sounding very insulted. Then he produced a pocket watch from god-knows-where and showed me the time, "Eleven fifty." And true enough the clock did show eleven fifty-five.

"C'mon man, it's ten minutes, I've walked all the way from the other side of town give me a break here."

"I'm sorry Sir, but rules are rules." The stallion insisted. "We can't have guests seated before their appointed times so that there will still be tables for guests that have earlier reservations."

I looked around the restaurant. There were three couples and a party of five. Around four tables left and that was just on the outside. There was no one else waiting for tables like me.

"You really expect four parties with reservations ranging from eleven fifty to eleven fifty-nine to arrive in the next ten minutes?"

He gave a blank stare and replied with absolute seriousness. "I must be prepared for everything."

I thought this guy was being a jerk. Turns out I stumbled upon the most dedicated waiter in Equestria. Sighing and rubbing my eyes in frustration I conceded defeat and sat down in those seats they keep for people who are still waiting for their seats.

"Would you like some water, Sir?" The waiter offered me, already carrying a silver platter with a glass of water on it. "It's courtesy." He added, misjudging my look of disbelief at how fast this dude could produce things out of thin air for one of someone trying to figure out whether or not they have to pay for that.

I accepted defeat and patiently waited my ten minutes while enjoying some fresh water. I was perfectly content in just sitting there in silence, after all, we are talking about just ten minutes here, I have had to endure a lot worse than this.

"Excuse me, Sir." The waiter approached me again.

"Yeah?"

"I just couldn't help but notice I have never seen or heard of one of your kind before." He said. "I was just curious and..." He stopped himself, suddenly struggling with something for a couple of seconds, "I really don't know how to approach this..." I took pity on the poor stallion, he was probably the only pony who tried that hard to make sure to politely ask me that since I had arrived in Ponyville after all.

"Human." I answered him, relieving him of having to struggle with that question any longer, "We are called humans and we're from very far away."

"Humans." He repeated to himself. "Hmm, can't say I have heard of anything like that before."

"Most ponies I've met haven't."

"Well, it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance Sir, my name is Savoir Fare." He politely introduced himself, offering me a hoof to shake which I promptly did.

"Janos, nice to meet you."

"Truly? I was worried I had offended the gentlecolt by making him wait." Savoir jokingly stated.

"Oh, you pissed me off don't doubt that for a second." I quickly corrected him, wiping his overly polite smile instantly. But before he could apologize I continued, "And I was offended, but then I realized you weren't actually being a jerk, you are just absurdly dedicated to your job, so I'll let it slide." This seemed to reassure the waiter, who was now gleaming with pride after my compliment. "I can kind of respect that."

"Thank you, Sir." Savoir said, " Sometimes it is hard to be appreciated in this job. And look! it seems your friends are here."

Just as my new acquaintance said, Rarity had arrived with Fluttershy in tow. "Janos my dear!" She happily greeted me with a friendly hug, "So good to see you."

"Likewise Rarity." I answered her, getting up. "And you too Fluttershy, wasn't expecting you today."

"Hello Janos, Rarity invited me during our spa session today." She explained, also giving me a quick hug, "I hope that's ok with you?"

"Of course not Fluttershy, I was just surprised." I reassured her, but seeing as how that didn't do much, I added "Pleasantly surprised." While friendly ruffling her head, which seemed to do the trick.

Meanwhile, Rarity had already talked to Savoir who quickly took us to our table. We seated on the outside area, where I began to notice the benefits of a spa day for ponies. Rarity's coat looked much smoother and nicer, which actually did a lot of good for her figure making her curves a lot more noticeable. Making her look very...

"Staring isn't very polite dear." Rarity remarked with a playful smile on her face, causing me to immediately turn away and pay an absurd amount of attention to the rifle resting against my chair.

"Gods, I was totally just doing that wasn't I?" I asked myself, but Rarity saw fit to answer anyway.

"Yes dear, but don't worry too much, I didn't say it was discouraged either." She added.

After finding the courage to once again turn my gaze to the two mares sitting with me, I could see Fluttershy blushing heavily, and Rarity looking more amused than I've ever seen her before.

"I'm so sorry." I quickly apologized, "It's just hard to get used to this whole thing."

"Hard to get used to pretty mares?" She said, very surprised, "Why! And here I thought you were more than used to dealing with them where you're from." She said, with a hint of flirting intent hanging from her voice.

Had I not been second guessing a lot of things about myself right now, or falling for Rarity's trap. I would probably be breaking into laughter at Fluttershy's expression once she realized we were not dropping the subject.

"You kidding me? I couldn't keep them away from me! Had to beat them off with a stick." I declared proudly, pretending to fend off a horde of women with a stick. "And it's women, not mares," I added, hoping to avoid future misunderstandings, and instantly losing that boost of confidence.

"So sorry dear." She apologized for her mistake. "But semantics aside, I can't see what the problem if that's true."

I must have looked very confused for a second, probably because I was. But I quickly set off to explaining what was obvious only to me apparently. "Well, it's just that. Women, not mares. There is a huge difference between doing this to a woman and to a mare for a human male like myself. While staring would still be considered a bit rude, a human woman would still be likely to take it as a compliment under the right circumstances, because it could and probably would be viewed as a sign of romantic interest."

"Can I take your orders, ma'am?" Savoir said, suddenly appearing beside Rarity. "Terribly sorry for the interruption Mr. Janos. Please forgive my lack of decorum"

"Don't worry dude. And just call me Janos, I'm not actually that old, I just look like I am." I answered. Picking up the menu that I still had not gone through, I began to browse it pages in search for something that did not contain grass or flowers in it. "I'll have the strawberry and spinach salad." Savoir nodded once, explaining how he knew Rarity had not arrived without checking his book and leaving me to ponder if he could memorize the orders of a party with ten people.

After Rarity and Fluttershy ordered their meals and Savoir dropped a nice basket full of various kinds of bread and some small, classy, bowls with different condiments to spread over said bread, Rarity motioned for me to continue while she picked a slice from the basket with her magic.

"Yes, where was I?"

"You said how your women would find that flattering and would mean you're interested in her." Fluttershy answered, now looking a bit more comfortable.

"Yes! Back home there is no other choice for a romantic partner other than another human, so treating or viewing mares, or any other female in this world for that matter, in the same way as I used to view women feels, well, wrong."

"Oh!" Both of them exclaimed as they realized what I was talking about.

"So does that mean you are starting to view mares that way?" Fluttershy asked.

"No." I quickly answered, trying to make sure to drive that thought out of their heads, but as the words left my mouth, doubt began to set in. "Or at least I don't think so, I hope not. I mean, it's only been what? A little over a week since I got here?"

"Well darling, we may look different but in the end we are all people right?" Rarity said, trying to rationalize my dilemma.

"Yes, but there is a lot more to that," I answered, and upon seeing their confused expressions decided to elaborate. "In its essence, sexual attraction is a lot more about reproduction than anything else. We are wired, in a biological level, to find suitable partners with whom we can make children and in that way ensure our species survival, finding someone attractive means we are recognizing desirable traits in that person. Theoretically speaking, there is no way two creatures of such different species such as humans and ponies to become sexually attracted to each other, of course there is more to it than that since we are both sentient creatures capable of complex thought so we aren't driven by base instinct alone but in its core that is how this works."

"Oh dear, it's like we're talking to Twilight right now," Fluttershy said, holding back one of her adorable giggle fits. Rarity, however, lacked that self-control and broke into laughter the second I stopped talking and start to laugh even harder at Fluttershy's remark.

It took a while for her to settle down, by then both her and Fluttershy were laughing and our food had arrived. Ignoring my manners I started eating while they continued to have fun at my expense.

"Oh my..." Rarity breathed out, upon managing to regain control of herself. "I'm so sorry dear. I just couldn't help it"

"I noticed."

"Yes, I didn't mean to laugh so hard." Fluttershy also spoke between deep breaths, "But it was just so funny, you were so serious. Like the world was going to end or something."

"Oh don't give me that look Janos." The still giggling unicorn chastised me. "Like you would even try to contain yourself. Remember back in the castle when you were laughing so joyously as we were terrified and running for our lives? Fluttershy was even crying."

I smiled a bit at the memory of that moment. Yeah, maybe it would be a little hypocritical of myself to be too mad at them.

"And you forgot something very important in your little explanation." She added, quite happy with herself. "What about love darling? That's just as part of the process as sexual attraction."

"Look, I'm talking about an initial reaction, love is something that needs time to develop, nobody falls in love with someone right off the bat, that only happens in fairy tales, sorry 'old pony tales' and cheesy romance novels."

"You don't believe in love at first sight?" Rarity asked, seemingly surprised at the very notion.

"Of course not, it has no logic whatsoever."

"Oh darling." She spoke, in the condescending and sad manner when you see a kid speaking nonsense, but you can't blame him because look at that poor thing. How can he know better? "Love isn't about logic or reason."

"Yeah, it just happens Janos." Fluttershy agreed.

"All it needs are two beings that are meant for each other to come together." Our idealistic unicorn concluded. "You only need a glance to feel that. A first sight if you will."

I could have gone into a rant here, but instead decided to take the high road and just use her own naive theory against her. "Ok, so what you're saying is That despite my innate biological instinct and human-centered social upbringing I was, in fact, staring at Rarity because I find her attractive, does that mean I am in love with her and, by extension is she in love with me?"

"What?" Both of them exclaimed.

"Are we in love? I have arguably just met you, and both of us don't know a lot about each other besides the basics of an early friendship, if we go by your argument that love isn't about reason or logic nor does it need time to grow at all, that it just needs for two ponies that are destined for each other to meet, then the whole 'sexual attraction' thing doesn't really matter if I have by chance or destiny stumbled upon the one woman, mare in this case, that can make me happy and am therefore in love with her, then we can only imply that you are also in love with me since this is the way love works. Is that what you're saying?"

And that had the intended effect, Rarity's face, once being covered with white fur, was now completely red making her look like one of the tomatoes in her salad. She opened her mouth to speak but couldn't bring herself to utter more than a few wells and buts as she tried to simultaneously explain what she was actually trying to say, and deal with the implications of what I just said.

Fluttershy, on the other hand, had that look on her face. You know those people that really like soap operas? You know the look they get it seems like a couple of characters are about to confess their love for each other? Yeah, she had that look. Seems our little Fluttershy is a sucker for cheesy love stories, what a surprise. And she must be really desperate for a new soap opera to think I was actually serious about this.

Now, of course she didn't actually mean that, I'm not stupid I know what she was trying to say. But I just can't stand seeing someone word an argument that poorly without at least having a bit of fun at their expense.

"Well, of course, I'm not saying that!" She finally spoke, practically yelling that for everybody to hear, leaving Fluttershy much disappointed I might add. "I'm just saying that there is a lot more to it than biology... and science... and stop smiling like that!" Rarity huffed, getting very pissed at the very smug and triumphant smile plastered in my face.

I resisted the urge to laugh while she began paying a tremendous amount of attention to her food, which she promptly decided to golf down as quickly as possible, no doubt in order to get out of here as fast as she could. Instead, I laid back in my chair, quite content with the fact that I managed to get a reaction that was much better than I what expected from her and turned my attention to Fluttershy instead.

"So Fluttershy... How's Angel?"