Ice Ice Pony: The Adventures of Vanilla Ice in Equestria

VANILLA ICE IN EQUESTRIA
PART: FUCKIN FINALLY

or

BOSS NIGGER Interlude

BOSS NIGGER was alone in the Land of Shitty Flow, banished to never be with Icey until the sequel. All around him was the white man’s music. The song “With Arms Wide Open” by Creed was stuck in his head. Dat shit was messin’ wit his flow. He would need to leave as soon as possible before his flow was permanently fucked up and he started cravin’ mayunnaise. He ain’t havin dat bullshit, my nigga. Suddenly, there was a huge explosion. Liek Xbox huge. Deez thirty cracker-jacks busted outta nowhere, and grabbed BOSS NIGGER.

“Whatchu doin’ homeboy? Y’all ain’t leavin’ the Land of Shitty Flow mah nigga! We’ll be taki-” A cracker-jack started, but was roundhouse-drop kicked by BOSS NIGGER. Y’see my niggas, a roundhouse drop kick is like, motherfuckin, uh, you do a jump and shit, and then you swing your buff ass legs around and smack someone in the motherfuckin face with yo feet and shit. Shit is bangin’.

“Shut Y’all cracker-bitch ass up! A white boy like you thinks he can get away wit usin’ OUR word?! If any of you other motherfuckas say dat shit again, I will sock you in the mothafuckin’ jaw right fuckin’ now, you hear me honkies?!” The cracker-jacks suddenly took on the countenances of a bitch nigga who couldn’t pay his got-damn bills and was about to be shot, but they hardened the fuck up. No homo. And so, the 29 CJs got into a shitty pop band formation. Soon, the song “What Makes You Beautiful” by One Direction began to be played by the CJs. A CJ that looked a lot like Tobey Maguire started to sing.

“YOU’RE INSECURE, DON’T KNOW WHAT FOR. YOU’RE TURNING HEADS, WHEN YOU WALK THROUGH THE DOOR.” Seriously, this song is horrible.

“DON’T NEED MAKE-UP. TO COVER UP. BEING THE WAY THAT YOU ARE IS ENOUGH.” My head hurts listening to it.

“EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM CAN SEE IT, EVERYONE ELSE BUT YOU-OU-OU!” Bitches be singin’ bullshit. BOSS NIGGER would not let such an injustice against the muthafuckin’ world stand while he was in this white man’s lawless town. Nigga was ready to fight these bitch niggas with his swole fuckin body. BOSS NIGGER WAS A BEAST IN THE GYM, AND HE WAS BIGGER THAN 50 CENT AND LL COOL J. He was too fuckin buff to let these niggas try and jack his shit.

“EVERY MORNING I OPEN PALM SLAM A VHS INTO THE SLOT!” BOSS NIGGER exclaimed, giving out his workout routine while stompin’ some bitch niggas in da nutz. A few of them scrambled to get away from their deserving punishment, but BOSS NIGGER laid them out with a quick backhand.

“IT’S CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK, AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I START DOING THE MOVES ALONG WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, RIDDICK!” BOSS NIGGER followed up with a JAR-JAR ROCK to their face. Their told status was a Child Support payment out of a Bitch Nigga on the told meter. Deeze crackers be crying the salty, bitter tears of a white teenager who is banned from playing Wii.

“I DO EVERY MOVE AND I DO EVERY MOVE HARD, MAKIN’ WHOOSHING SOUNDS WHEN I SLAM DOWN SOME NECROS.” The CJs were begging for the glorious mercy of BOSS NIGGER, yet they knew in their hearts, they were unworthy. Dis swole nigga be knockin’ unjust honky ass around for a living. He would not stop.

“NOT MANY CAN SAY THEY ESCAPED THE GALAXYS MOST DANGEROUS PRISON. I CAN. “ BOSS NIGGER decided to end this once and for all with his NIGGAHAMEHA. He balled up his massive flow into his hands and cupped it. Gathering all of his kentucky-fried energy for this final flash, he thought of his true companion, Icey. He wished him the most ballin’ time a nigga could have. Then, BOSS NIGGER fired his NIGGAHAMEHA, which was a blast of pure Purple Drink. The CJs were destroyed by this. They got their pajamas on, an’ went to bed.

BOSS NIGGER went up to the nearest bush and smoked dat shit. He turned to you, and said,

“Gotta get dat daily dose after all...”

~~~

It was 28 days later. BOSS NIGGER had been wandering for a long as fuck time, searching for an exit to this bullshit land. He passed by many a store for the music of Ke$ha, making him feel the pain of his ancestors when he saw such a travesty. Many fights broke out over his tight-ass flow. Bitches could sense it in a place with such a mangled flow.

This gay-ass area was strangely silent unlike the back of a police car in Compton. Niggas get wild in Compton. Anyway, he could not see any bitch ass niggas around. It was completely fuckin’ empty. He kept on walking through this shitty ass town when the land around him began to grow dim. He could no longer hear shitty music. He could only sense a void.

Suddenly, he could no longer see in front of him. There was complete whiteness all around him. He walked forward and suddenly fell off into white void. The sounds of shitty flow began to grow in intensity until it permeated his very mind. And then he could see. What he saw was some scary ass shit, my niggas. Like for real. Gotdamn it was scary as fuck.

There was an enormous oval-shaped hole in the fabric of space-time. It was absolutely fucking huge. A bunch of white people, and niggas alike with shitty flow were crawling out of the hole like roaches in a mexican’s crib. It was impossible to determine how many there were. Thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands were crawling out. Maybe even shit-tons. Fuck, that’s as high as I can count.

The scent of BULLSHIT was stankin’ the fuck out of this place. Shitty flow was bursting out of the rift like Chris Brown’s fists hitting a woman. Even BOSS NIGGER could barely even handle this affront to everything he has learned about the Flow. His learnings and his experiences were being torn apart before his very eyes. He could do nothing on his own. Or, if he tried, he would die like a bitch. And fuck that.

He would need assistance from the chocolatey force of Icey.

BOSS NIGGER got the FUCK out of there.