Ice Ice Pony: The Adventures of Vanilla Ice in Equestria

Book II: Money

Chapter I: “I guarantee that if you do cocaine you’ll be a better drummer.” –My Algebra Teacher

Previously on Ice Ice Pony: The Adventures of Vanilla Ice in Equestria…

“Dagobah Bump niggas!”

“Chill yo titties niggah. I’mma send you on vacation, while I deal wit some of dat shit. You’re needed in a little place called Equestria.”

"Wow! Icey, your music is amazing! Do you mind coming to the club with me so we can show off your wonderful and totally original music that has not had any part stolen by you?"

"Help, Diamond Dogs are attacking Ponyville!"

"Dis why you mah nigga. Who knew havin' homeboys was magic?"

"Yo Vinyl! lemme borrow dat Bass Cannon! I'll be able to take all dez Bitches out!"

“420 DAMAGE! SMOKE WEED ‘ERRYDAY!”

“NOT MANY CAN SAY THEY ESCAPED THE GALAXYS MOST DANGEROUS PRISON. I CAN.”

“502 BAD GATEWAY”

“Don’t tase me bro!”

“Haha! I threw that shit before I walked in the room!”

“Sup bitches, this is Chad Warden.”

And now…

BOOK II: CHAPTER ONE: THE SWAGLESS MENACE

Icey had a “wtf?” look on his face, shocked at seeing a familiar face here. It was Chad Daddy, a warrior of great swagger, who fought in the war against the ones of mangled flow years ago. The only question, why the fuck was he here now? C-Wizzy disappeared a while back and none of his niggas knew where he went.

“Why the fuck, are you here?” Icey asked.

“Shit nigga, I’m been here since the end of the war. I got in one little war, and my mom got scared and said “You’re moving with your auntie and uncle in Equestria.” Dat was sum grade A bool-shit, but I got ta meet my auntie and uncle, The Cakes.” Big Papi said, justifying his being in the story.

“Look, the town is being attacked by the Fire Nation right now, so we gotta start running on top of roofs while talking like we ninja in Naruto or this chapter won’t drive the story forward, okay?” Icey said to Chad Warden. He nodded in understanding. They started jumping from roof to roof, chatting along the way. They both agreed that it felt good to rekindle with a fellow nigga. Icey learned that C-Wizzy gained his weapon from an ancient and powerful god known as Sony. The trident-like dealdo is a legendary relic of the modern age called the PSTriple. It gifted Chad Warden with the strength of 15 Illegal Mexican Niggas, and showed him the truth, which was that Xbox had no games. Icey knew that one day Big Papi would unlock his true powers as a Sony fanboy, and it looked like that would happen soon. Chad Warden had to ask something that was on his mind however,

“Yo Icey, when’d you get those blue tattoos?”

“Shit nigga, I’ve always had them, I just finally showed them off at the end of Book I!” Icey replied with a lame 4th wall break. Chad Warden was going to continue their conversation, but they made it to the Fire Nation drill. It was starting to pierce the wall of Ponyville, but it was jammed in the wall. Soldiers stood on top of it holding ‘F’ to un-jam the drill but it kept on shaking, making the progress bar go back to 0%. Icey and Chad Warden both stopped to lol at those pathetic n00bz. Before they could plan out their strike, a manly as fuck voice shouted out,

“FUS RO DAH!!!!” The Fire Nation Soldiers were thrown back like they were little nigglets about to get a beat-down. In the center of the chaos was a tiny lizard. It was purple with green fins for ears, and it wore a horned iron helmet. Its hands looked like they were focusing magicka to cast some form of spell. Icey could tell from the look of it that it was a conjuration spell, and that the lizard was using it because conjuration is OP as fuck. He also knew that this was the Dovahkiin, the Dragonborn.

The spell was done being focused, and it made a portal that summoned a swole nigga. He was as black as the darkest night with red tattoos, and wore strange black and red armor. In his hands was a fucking huge sword. This was known as a Dremora Lord. However, this one was special. This one was wearing shutter shades and had a joint in its mouth (Gotta get that daily dose after all!). This was a Dremora Nigga.

“Nigga what chu want?” The Dremora Nigga said.

“Nigga shut yo mouth and stab a bitch.” The Dovahkiin replied. Wanting to get this shit over with, the Dremora Nigga complied. The gay nigga Fire Nation Soldiers were cowering in fear. One finally worked up the courage to attack, but Dremora Nigga was on his ass like Rick James’ boots on Charlie Murphy’s couch.

“Nygga, you better have insurance! Ass-whoopin’ insurance! And you about to pay a deductible!” The Dremora Nigga screamed at its prey. Firebending would not hit its mark, fists would not damage him, and a bitchslap from those gloves could break a nigga’s jaw, which the Fire Nation could attest to.

“What the fuck! You just broke my jaw!” One tried screaming, but it sounded more like “Wr d frk! Oo jes brok meh haw!”

“Nigga needs to fix dat Dick-In-The-Mouth Syndrome!” The Dovahkiin laughed.

Now, we here who work on “Ice Ice Pony” would like to say that we do NOT find Dick-In-The-Mouth Syndrome funny. It is a very serious disease that has affected many people. Hooker’s lives are at risk everyday from this terrible disease. We would like to ask you, the maybe 10+ (if we’re lucky) readers to donate both your time and money to fight off this Ho threatening disease. Please call the number 603-867-5309 to join in the battle against Dick-In-The-Mouth Syndrome. For the record however, we will admit that saying Dick-In-The-Mouth Syndrome out loud is kinda fun.

“Not funny man. My aunt DIED from that!” A Firebender who has a jaw that wasn’t broken said.

“Well no shit nigga! She probably sucked dick like a vacuum!” Dovahkiin yelled, laughing in his face.

“He’s not lying man. She was good at suckin’ dat dick.” The Fire Nation Soldier next to him said. He was promptly thrown face first into the Dremora Nigga. They swiftly sliced the soldier’s head off and kicked it, sending it flying at 400 miles per hour into the face of another soldier. The would-be soccer ball took their head off, as everyone knows that soccer balls decapitate heads at 400 miles per hour.

Pissed off that he hasn’t been mentioned for some time, Icey attacked, using his airbending to turn his hands into slicing death weapons of death to start off his sneak attack. Stab! There goes your spleen. Slash! Bye-bye kidneys. Cacao! Say goodbye to your eyes. Hnnnnnnnnnggggggggg! There goes your heart!

C-Wizzy yoined in the fight, by pulling out his trident that happened to be a dildo, or was it a dildo that happened to be a trident? Who knows? Anyway, he pulled on it so hard, he ripped the skin and split it in two. One half had the three prongs. The other half had a glowing sphere on it.

“Playstation Move Bitches!” Chad Daddy exclaimed. With enough force to smack the bitch off of 10 Xbox fanboys, he swung at a soldier with the trident, stabbing them in the jugular. He then did this really cool slow-mo kick to lodge the trident in further while updating his Facebook Status to “Fire Nation Soldiers can’t do shit other than suck deek.”

But Big Papi didn’t stop there! Oh no, he took the glowing sphere half and pointed it at the trident half. A button was pressed, and the trident half started floating, lifting up the soldier attached! Chad Warden moved it around, skewering many more soldiers into some kinda gory shish kebab. All while doing this he screamed,

“Heh! Heh! Heh!”

Icey, not wanting to be upstaged, pulled off one of his ultimate moves. Throwing kunai at the kage bunshin he summoned off-screen to dispel them, Icey felt the natural energy they stored up enter him. Quickly, he closed his eyes to focus, and then opened them. His irises were bright orange, and his pupils were rounded out with slits going through them. Icey just entered sennin modo!

Icey sent out a nigga-breaking haymaker at the drill, which was still jammed. The squeals of the bitches inside could be heard for miles. Summoning two more kage bunshin to stand at his side, they started working on the finishing blow. All three Iceys work together to condense his chakra into a ball. One Icey adds wind chakra to it, creating four blades on it. Another Icey pours more chakra into to it, keeping it stable. The real Icey uses his natural energy to balance all the forces in it. Together they make Futon: Rasenshuriken! The clones go “Poof!” and Icey flys up into the air using airbending. Icey puts on his game face and says his one-liner.

“Fire Nation, welcome to die!”

The drill was blown up. The soldiers, mangled beyond recognition. Icey didn’t look at that though, because cool guys don’t look at explosions. The Fire Nation Soldiers would look at the explosion, but they’re dead. The Dovahkiin walked up to Icey and said,

“Dayum nigga, dat shit was tight.”

“Sup homie, what they call you?” Icey asked.

“They call me the Dovahkiin, but you can call me Spike.”