Ice Ice Pony: Vanilla Ice in Equestria

The Jangle Yo Balls Holiday Special

NOTE: THE FOLLOWING EVENTS SEEN IN THIS HOLIDAY SPECIAL ARE CANON.

Icey will sleep in.
It’s a holiday today,
his favorite one.

A knock on the door.
“Dis nigga needs to fuck off!”
Icey growls out loud.

He wants to relax.
But Chad Warden is mad gay,
and won’t stop knocking.

Chad has forgotten,
it’s All Obamacare’s Eve.
Made many moons past.

“Wait a fucking sec.
This shit is all haikus man.
What the fuck is this?”

C-Wizzy proclaimed.
But Big Papi didn’t know
magic’s in the air

Obamacare's Eve
has an effect on this fic
all for one reason.

Tis a holiday,
that means holiday special.
Yes, even in this.

Icey gave up now.
Chad Daddy can be a cunt.
Icey can’t sleep in.

I should mention it,
No, Zecora doesn’t show up.
Because fuck that shit.

Haikus are enough.
Fuck rhyming on top of that.
I’m only human.

“Knock knock niggas.”
Says a voice from up above.
Holy Shit, Saint Nick?

“Nope muthafuckas
I would let you finish, but
Kanye’s the best saint.”

Nope, it’s just Kanye.
Or, should I say, Kanye Claus.
The Santa stand-in.

“I require help!
There’s Flowless niggas about,
ruining today!”

Icey and Chad left.
They had to stop this madness!
“Quick Chad! To the sleigh!”

There it was outside
blinged out with gold spinning rims
and painted purple,

the magic machine!
The Obamacare Mobile!
A third haiku line!

Pulled by mexicans.
All of them illegal ones.
No greencard in sight.

There’s one in the front
It looks like a higher breed
it’s Puerto Rican

Spike hops in also.
“Fuck yeah, I’m in dis special!”
The Dovahkiin says.

Kanye Claus joins them
“Onward Lopez and Lopez,
Lopez and Paula

Lopez and Lopez,
Lopez and Jorge, plus him!
George Lopez in front!”

Another Guest Star.
The Big Headed Illegal!
He’s just like Rudolph.

They fly high, no lie
y’all niggas be knowin’ this.
‘Cuz they be ballin’.

An hour passes.
They find those with mangled flow.
Dem niggas trippin’.

The gang stomps niggas.
Every one beaten brings more.
The ride never ends.

Giant Skeletons!
They just pop up from the ground.
Are you all spooked yet?

Land of Shitty Flow,
a piece of it appears now.
This place of terror.

There’s slow motor-cars.
Mr. Bones’ Wild Ride.
People on screaming.

The gang watches this.
Only the dead shall know peace.
There’s no getting off.

They must destroy it.
“I want to get off this ride!”
A mexican yells.

Others get off it,
only to be put back in.
They beg for mercy.

The gang has to leave.
More niggas must join the fight
if they want to win.

For they can’t give up
Or else this holiday’s doomed.
Gotta get black-up.

“I will hold this off!
Just don’t forget about me.
And bring back some help!”

“But, wait Kanye Claus!”
“No nigga! we cannot wait
You have to go now!”

“Okay mah nigga.
We will come back and then save
Obamacare’s Eve.”

Icey had stated.
They left with the magic sleigh.
Black-up’s eminent.

Ride to Everfree.
No, it is not Zecora,
but another one.

He’s seen in a cave.
Super funny black man Dave.
Dave Chappelle that is.

He had a breakdown.
He had left for Africa,
Everfree cost less.

Dave’s in tribal gear.
He has spears ready to chuck,
and has mad warpaint.

He looks at the group,
staring a thousand yard stare.
He yells, “I’m rich bitch!”

Dave loves holidays.
He loves dat nice free health care.
He offers his spear.

The party has grown.
The cheap labor rides again.
Niggas need Oprah.

She’s in Canterlot
giving an orphan a car.
She loves the children.

She agrees to help,
as long as the part is small.
Since she hates this fic.

Not in her book club.
You shouldn’t read this also.
Seriously man.

The sleigh is better.
Oprah gave it some new rims.
They are bedazzled.

One man is missing.
The holiday’s second star.
His blackness appears.

Barack Obama,
Obamacare Eve’s founder
and jedi master.

He lets out a cheer,
“Save this holiday we are.”
he just whips it out.

Purple lightsaber
because he is a black man
all niggas keep one.

The crew’s assembled.
Time to go and save Kanye,
who wears shutter shades.

They take off to space.
Like in Superman’s movie,
for turning back time.

Kanye missed nothing.
They had jumped backwards through time,
just to when they left.

Kanye is tossed gun.
Gonna need to shoot niggas.
And dem skeletons.

This is missing stuff.
Time to throw in some ponies.
Because ponies man.

A horse joins the fray!
nigga’s really fuckin’ red.
It’s swole as fuck too.

“You gonna kick ass?”
Asks PSTriple fanboy
“Eeyup.” dat horse says.

Icey leads the charge
He’s in the Avatar State.
He rides dat pony.

The ride opens rift.
Its guardian is summoned,
The Gravelord Nito.

Icey is thrown off.
He’s unable to backstab.
He can’t beat the boss.

This battle is lost.
Oh wait, no it’s not. Look there!
Apple themed ponies.

They’re singing a song.
It’s about a racist barn
or something like that.

The red horse leads them.
It’s a redneck family.
Got dat redneck strength.

The Gravelord’s held down.
Icey can backstab dat bitch
with his Hanzo Steel.

Shit goes in mad deep.
The crew all gets a backstab.
Chad uses trident,

Dave’s chucking some spears,
Kanye, punching like Sam B. ,
follows with dickpunch.

Obama is next.
He uses dat force lightning.
Oprah buys a car.

She drives badly
it’s because she’s a woman.
Smashes Nito’s back.

Spike uses some shouts.
Stormcall is super OP.
Fuckin’ thunderstorms.

It’s still not enough.
But Icey has a new plan.
“Our powers combined!”

“PSTriple!” “Shouts!”
“Charity!” “Presidency!”
“Attention whoring!”

“My blackness!” “The Flow!”
They all shout in unison
“Come forth my nigga!”

A new voice comes through.
“And by your blackness combined...”
“I am Eminem!”

Captain Blackness’ here!
Nigga does work on Nito.
Does what he’s good at.

He writes a rap song
because Nito’s his problem.
That is all he does,

rap about problems.
The rap rattles Nito’s bones
Eminem gurgles.

He starts throwing up
Eminem spills spahghetti
it is his mother’s.

Nito drops some too.
It spills out of his pockets,
and on GameStop’s floor.

Everyone just laughs.
The pockets are erupting.
He bursts into treats,

and runs out crying.
The ride’s grinding to a halt.
It finally stops.

Spike Fus Roh Dah’s it.
The Apple Family leaves.
“This shit was so cash.”

Chad says while smoking.
Gotta have dat daily dose
after all nignog.

The crew goes in sleigh.
Time to deliver healthcare
that is also free.

Icey looks at you.
“Happy Obamacare’s Eve.
Haikus suck penis.”

“Happy Arbor Day!”
A DARRPARROT shouts to you
No one gives a fuck

This is the end bro.
I am fucking done right now.
No more haikus here.

“Oh okay.”

Author's Note

No, I'm not dead. Some IRL shit happened and I lost the drive to write. Then even more shit happened. Things finally started slowing down a few days ago and I started writing this for a laugh. The next chapter's release date is a mystery, because I'm lazy.