Equestrian Biology

Brett Matheson sat on the train to Ponyville, thinking about the events of his day. He had come through the portal to Equestria for his study abroad program, and already he was noticing how different it was from America, or really any country on Earth. The inhabitants were über-friendly, almost to the point of nausea; the weather was on a freaking schedule; and, of course, there were colorful talking ponies everywhere. He supposed he would get used to it, though.

Once he had organized everything, he ran off to the train station, eager to start a new life in Ponyville. The site of almost every major event in Equestria in recent years, Ponyville was a hotspot for human tourists.

He set his elbow down and put his head in his hand, leaning against the half-open window. His thick brown hair whipped in the wind, and his striking green eyes surveyed the equally striking landscape shooting past the train. He looked in the distance and saw a bridge over a sapphire-blue river, and the highest rooftops of Ponyville poking over a hill.

By the time he stepped off the train in Ponyville, it was already 7:00. He had to hurry to get everything situated if he wanted to get to bed at a decent time. He hauled his overly laden suitcase behind him like a bag of rocks and walked quickly down the road. He managed to get almost all the way to the inn before he was greeted loudly by a certain pink mare.

Naturally, he had heard tell of the infamous Pinkie Pie, since she and her five friends were kind of minor celebrities on Earth, being the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony and all. But nothing he had been told could prepare him for his first meeting.

"Hi!" She jumped out from behind a bush, causing Brett to yelp and almost lose control of his bodily functions. She landed directly in front of Brett, ready to blast out a reply, but something stopped her. She looked at him curiously, turning her head as if trying to understand a piece of abstract art. Eventually, Brett raised a hand.

"Uh, hello," he said nervously. "I'm Brett." There was suddenly a loud gasp accompanied by Pinkie levitating up off the ground then darting away, leaving a small pony-shaped cloud that quickly faded away.

"Don't worry," said a purple mare from her window who was watering her plants. "She does that. Although for the next day or two, you should be extra-careful walking into unlit rooms." Brett brushed it off and hurried on to the inn.

***

After paying the stallion at the register what seemed like a large sum of bits, Brett walked toward his room, already exhausted. As he was opening the door, he thought about how much smaller the doors were in Equestria. He had already hit his head about ten times by now. Ow! Scratch that; eleven times. That would take some getting used to. He plopped down on the bed rubbing his head. After a moment of peaceful respite, he got up and zipped open his suitcase.

He took out a towel, his toothbrush and comb, and finally his shampoo and soap. He made sure to shut the blinds, then stripped down as he made his way over to the bathroom. He opened the door and was suddenly assaulted with confetti and noisemakers.

"Surprise!"

"AAGH!!" Brett fell backward and landed painfully on his rear end, while a widely grinning Pinkie Pie poked her head out of the bathroom and deep into Brett's personal space.

"Hiya, Brett! How do you like your surprise party?" Brett looked around and noticed that the bathroom had been decorated with colorful streamers and banners saying, "Welcome to Ponyville!"

"Wha...?" Brett tried, but he was unable to articulate the plethora of thoughts swirling around his head; thoughts like, Where did she come from? How did she know I'd be staying in this room? How did she know I'd immediately walk into the bathroom? How did she set up so fast? Did she realize how cute it was when she swished her tail?

Wait. What?

Pinkie's smile seemed to falter after a moment when she got no intelligible response.

"Do you like it?" she asked, her voice wavering ever so slightly.

"Uh, well," started Brett, managing to regain his ability to speak, "I didn't expect it." Pinkie's smile regained its previous bright-and-cheery quality and she giggled.

"Oh, that was the point, silly! It's a surprise party!"

"Where are all the guests?"

"Weeellllll," said Pinkie, drawing out the word quite a bit, "I wanted to greet you as soon as possible so I didn't have any time! I heard you were heading toward the inn so I ran to the party store and got a whole bunch of streamers and then I found my generic 'Welcome to Ponyville' banner and then I ran to the inn and told the cashier to give you this room when you get here and then I ran really fast upstairs and squeezed in under the door and set up the stuff in here and waited for you to come in and then you did and I said 'Surprise!'" Brett had a myriad of questions, each more puzzling than the last, but one in particular came to his lips.

"How did you squeeze under the door?"

"You'd be surprised what a bottle of AstroGlide can do!" She produced a king-size bottle of the well-known lubricant from seemingly nowhere and held it up for Brett to see. "They say you can use it to get a Cadillac in a doghouse. I don't know how big that is, but it sure can get a Pinkie under a door!"

The bottle of lube made Brett think of certain actions not appropriate for minors, which made him realize quite suddenly that he was butt-naked. He quickly curled up into the fetal position in an attempt to hide his genitals which were, oddly enough, reacting to their exposure in a way that he would definitely not prefer.

"Whatcha doin' that for?" asked the pink pony.

"Well," said Brett with a blush, "uh, humans are a bit more sensitive about clothing than ponies are."

"Oh, yeah! I've heard about that! Humans wear clothes all the time. But why would you wear clothes every day? They're so uncomfortable and everyone knows what's under them, so why waste the money?"

"That's a good question," said Brett. "We really enjoy being stylish. Now please leave."

"Aww, but why? I wanna make you feel good!"

"Pardon?" Is she actually—

"Yeah, I like to make everypony feel good! Like laugh, and sing, and play, and smile! ♫My name is Pinkie Pie♫—"

"Hello? I'm still here, and I'm still naked."

"Oh, yeah!" She giggled again. God, that was cute. "Well," she said, "aren't you going to open your present?" Does she mean her—

"What?" Brett interrupted himself before he could finish his thought. He looked down and saw that she had suddenly produced a small wrapped box with a bow.

"Why did you get me a present?" Pinkie reached another steep drop on her emotional roller coaster.

"Do you not want a present? Or do you not want one from me? Is it my energy? I've heard a lot of ponies don't like my energy but it's just how I try to cheer ponies up but you're not a pony you're a human so I don't know what you like and I don't know what to do!" Pinkie threw herself onto Brett, leaving him with no choice but to throw his arms up out of the way. Slowly, his arms lowered and gradually wrapped around the mare's frame.

He suddenly felt something between his legs and realized that his erect penis was poking into Pinkie's belly. His eyes widened and he tried to move the organ out of the way, but he was stopped by a high voice.

"Ooh, what's that?" Pinkie leaned away and looked between Brett's legs in fascination. "Is that what a human thingie looks like? It looks weird."

"'Thingie?'" said Brett in indignation.

"Yeah, a thingie. You know, the baby maker, the bald-headed yogurt slinger, the cream cannon, the lance of love, the meat flute, the jimmer-jammer, the flapadoodle, the mayonnaise revolver—"

"Please stop that!" Brett interrupted.

"I wonder if it tastes the same."

"Wait, what are you-uuoohhhh." Brett let out an involuntary moan as the pink pony took his dick into her mouth before he could stop her. She wrapped her lips around the tip and immediately slid down to the base, then she moved her head back up with her tongue pressed to the underside of the shaft and popped it out of her mouth. She smacked her lips and considered for a moment.

"Hmmm. Musty and masculine, with a slight salty aftertaste. Texture is similar. More musky than a stallion, but not as salty."

"Wow," said Brett. "Uh, you seem like a connoisseur." Pinkie shrugged and grinned.

"I try."

"You know you just licked my dick without asking me, right?" Pinkie's grin seemed to grow devious.

"Did you like it?"

"Uh—Well—That's not the point!"

"Oh, I think it i~is!" she said in a singsong voice. "You want some more?"

"I don't think that's such a... good... Oohhh." Pinkie grabbed the tip of his penis in her lips and sucked on it like a lollipop. She twirled her tongue around the circumference of the shaft, playing with it like a candy in her mouth.

"Mmmm," she moaned as she sucked him off, as if she were eating a particularly delicious pastry. Brett finally decided that maybe this was not so bad after all. This was what he had come for anyway.

She bobbed her head up and down the shaft, eyes still wide, taking in a continuous stream of information. She looked up at Brett to see how he was enjoying himself, and he felt a shiver of pleasure go through his body when they made eye contact. She moved her head left and right and moaned quietly, combining into a maelstrom of pleasurable sensations consistently pushing him forward. All the while she kept eye contact with Brett, not even blinking for an almost frighteningly long time.

Brett put his hand on the back of Pinkie's head and gripped her fluffy mane, noting that it felt suspiciously like cotton candy. He pushed her a bit faster and a bit harder, but Pinkie wouldn't have the human take away her responsibility to give him pleasure.

She popped his dick out quite a bit earlier than he would have liked, but he could already feel his orgasm starting to build momentum. This mare was good! She turned around and bent down, showing off her lower lips, which were full with arousal and somehow even more pink than the rest of her. The lips curved around the entrance of her vagina in a teardrop-like shape, and her clitoris flexed and stuck out of her entrance, parting the slightly wrinkled skin like a little tongue, taunting him.

"What do you think, human? You like my pussy?" The words sounded like they would have normally been sultry and sexy, but Pinkie was far too naturally chipper for them to come out as anything other than cheerful-bordering-on-insanity.

Holy shit, that's hot, he thought as he stared at her pussy and began to hyperventilate a bit. I may never look at humans again.

"You, me, bed, now," he said aloud. Pinkie giggled and got up out of her stance. She bounced over to the bed like a pogo stick, and when she got over there she bounced extra high and did a cannonball onto the bed. She bounced on the mattress once before settling on her back and grinning at Brett over the top of her swollen vulva.

Brett walked over and eagerly hopped onto the bed, leaning over Pinkie. He looked at her sultrily, and she looked back with... joy? Or lust? It was so difficult to distinguish this pony's emotions; they all utilized the same cheerful grin. He was just positioning himself when, quite suddenly, Brett realized something he had never considered before.

"Wait. Do I need a condom?"

"Why?" asked Pinkie with what appeared to be genuine confusion. "Weellll, I guess you don't 'cause you're a human and I'm a pony so I can't get pregnant or anything or at least I don't think I can and I know you can't or maybe you can you're from another dimension so I don't know how you work but I know I probably can't get pregnant unless there's some magical spell that would do that—"

"Can we just shut up and fuck?"

"Oh yeah!" She giggled again, and Brett decided to err on the side of pleasure.

He placed his hands on the bed to Pinkie's sides and he moved forward and rubbed his dick against Pinkie's lower lips. The heat from her nethers sent tremors through his body as they touched. He groaned as he ground himself slowly against her. He pressed into her harder and the pressure on his member produced even more pleasure.

"Ohh, that feels good."

"Yeah, I really like that! But I kinda like stuff inside me. Not always in the front place but sometimes also in the back place 'cause I just love having woo-hoo!"

"Oh my God," mumbled Brett under his breath. "'Woo-hoo?' Really?"

"Yeah! You know, the horizontal mambo, the—"

"I got it!" said Brett quickly, desperately trying not to tear his hair out. "Right! Don't worry, I get it!"

"So, are we gonna do it?"

"Yeah, sure, just... stop talking."

"Okey dokey lokey!" said the mare, making a zipping motion across her lips. Brett leaned back on his knees and placed one hand on Pinkie's right hind leg. He then used his other hand to line up his member with her entrance. He first used the tip to smear some of her lubrication around the outside, causing the smell to waft up into his nose. The smell was amazing! She smelled sweet, like ambrosia; both the dessert kind and the mythical kind.

He thrust forward, burying himself inside her. The warm, wet folds enveloped his shaft, hugging it snugly, and he groaned in pleasure. He pushed in slowly and his balls eventually came to rest against her lips.

"That feels really good, Mr. Brett! Different than a stallion, but still pretty good. Not quite as thick as a stallion, but that's okay 'cause it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean!" Brett gave her a glare that could set an elephant on fire at 50 yards.

"Oops, sorry," she said and made the zipping motion again. Brett pulled back out of her, feeling a few drops of her arousal coating his balls. He thrust forward harder and Pinkie squealed lightly behind her zipped lips.

"Oh," said Brett smugly. "Does that feel good?"

"Mm-hmm!" Pinkie mumbled in a tone that sounded much more happy than lustful.

God, this mare is weird, thought Brett. He pulled out again slowly, enjoying the feeling of her walls moving over his shaft, then thrust in hard again, producing a smack as he slapped against her. Pinkie squealed again, this time shaking her hooves in the air happily.

Brett started thrusting harder and faster, already nearing his limit. He leaned down and laid his face on her chest, kissing it and nibbling on the fur. Pinkie took notice of this.

"Hmm-mm-mm-mm-mm-hmm-mm-mm?" she mumbled.

"What?" said Brett, lifting his head to look at her. She made an unzipping motion and then spoke.

"Why are you sucking on my chest?" she asked. Brett got the familiar and distinct feeling that he had done something wrong.

"Uh, your nipples?" She chuckled.

"Oh silly, my nipples are down there!" She pointed with her hoof to a point just above her mound and for the first time, Brett noticed her teats, which were slightly swollen by her arousal.

"Oh. Forgot about those."

"Obviously!" she said with another light chuckle. He reached down and rubbed one of her teats with a hand as he thrust in and out, using his other hand to hold up her hind leg for leverage. He swirled his fingers around the areola and gently squeezed the whole teat itself, kneading it like dough.

"Oo-oo-ooh, that feels good," said Pinkie more softly. As her head fell to the side, her tongue lolled out of her mouth and leaked a bit of drool onto the bed. Brett took this as a compliment and moved faster, pushing himself closer and closer.

"Ooh, yeah, do me," said Pinkie. "Do me hard." Brett obliged, thrusting faster and faster until finally, he gave a final hard thrust and came, shooting a huge load of cum inside her. It shot out of his dick and deep into her body, filling her up and coating her passage with white sticky goodness.

He stayed there for a moment before collapsing on his back next to her. He laid there panting, basking in the afterglow and thinking about how awesome his first day had turned out. He wondered how he had ever managed to get to where he was at that moment.

People back home had always thought he was weird, and they were probably right. He had always been the sexually adventurous type, so to speak. A few months after the portal had been opened to the public, Brett had happened across porn that had supposedly been leaked from Equestria; ponies in all manner of positions and situations.

And it had been hot. As. Fuck. Both the mares and the stallions had caught his eye, and both were more attractive to Brett than their human counterparts. The mares looked tighter and the stallions looked bigger—even accounting for size differences—and he knew he wanted them.

He had been trying to find an excuse to take a trip to Equestria ever since. He had tried saving up the money for a vacation, but before he had gathered enough funds, he had discovered that the study-abroad program at his college had included Equestria on the list of countries. He figured he could do a semester in Equestria and possibly slack off occasionally on his studies to try and get lucky.

Of course, there was a problem; he would have to find ponies who were interested in having sex with a tall hairless ape from an alternate dimension. Surely, it couldn't be that hard, could it?

For God's sake, he had already boinked a celebrity, and he hadn't even been in town a whole day! Admittedly, it was a mare that had basically tackled him and ignored all dissent, and he knew he had broken the "don't stick your dick in crazy" rule big time (albeit through little fault of his own), but it was hot nonetheless.

But she hadn't really seemed like a grown mare. Despite some comments that might point to the contrary, she seemed too young and childish to have ever done anything sexual. Brett managed to break himself out of his recollection and slowly turned to her.

"Pinkie," he asked slowly, "how many sexual partners have you had?" She sat up and thought for a moment. She made quite a show of counting on her hooves, several extra of which popping out of God knows where as she mumbled under her breath.

"Dashie and Soarin'... Carry the one... Eighty-seven," she said eventually, retracting all of the extra hooves.

"Holy fuck!" blurted Brett. "You seem so innocent."

"Well, a lot of ponies say I have the brain of a foal and the stomach of a dragon. Does that tell you anything?"

"Explains a lot, actually," he mumbled. "How do you even have time for that many?"

"Well, a lot of the ponies I sleep with are new arrivals or ponies I'm doing parties for. And I never got why everypony made such a big deal about it, saying I was 'giving it away,' or whatever. I mean, why would you not want to have sex? Sex is funneriffic! It's like the greatest party on the planet and you don't even need any decorations! Ask the Princesses; I taught them everything they know."

"Wait. Are you saying that you—" He pointed his finger at her in surprise. "—had sex with the Princesses?"

"Uh, ye~ah!" She temporarily adopted what sounded like a California Valley Girl accent. "You thought they could go a thousand years without getting any? I'm the latest royal consort!" She put a hoof to her chest with pride, which then turned to horror.

"Oh no! I wasn't supposed to tell anypony that! You heard nothing!" She bounced off the bed and leapt out the open window to the street several yards below, instantly disappearing into the night like a pink ninja.

"Well," said Brett after a moment. "That just happened."