The Barely Recovered and Possibly Suspect Lab Notes of Twilight Sparkle
Chapter 1: Whispers of Distrust
"Good morning dear listeners, today on the Alec Jonas Show I am joined by Mr. Baker who is the leader of the government watchdog group Equestrian Truth. So what do you have for us today Mr. Baker?" Alec Jonas said while he looked across the table to Mr. Baker.
"Please Alec just call me Fred. I am here today in regards to the extended coverup of the destruction of Golden Oaks. Thanks my group Equestrian Truth, the central government has finally given an official explanation to the destruction of the basement of the library. If you remember from last month then you would know that the basement is at the center of a multi-leveled conspiracy theory regarding Princess Twilight herself!" Fried said into the microphone.
"So we where right all along weren't we? The Royalists are all changeling creatures sent to conquer the good nation of Equestria!" Alec replied passionately.
"I wouldn't go that far Alec. What I am referring to is the unethical and illegal experimentation that was said to have taken place in Twilight's personal lab underneath the library. My team has recently uncovered documents directly from the ruins itself. They all point to unsanctioned and dangerous experiments that Princess Twilight preformed under the nose of Princess Celestia. This new information could be shattering to the reputation of the newest edition to Equestrian Royalty and it was undoubtedly covered up," Fred continued professionally.
"Sounds like you should sale it to PMZ instead imposing a formal inquisition to parliament. Let me guess, the experiments are all a part of the government's long standing desire to take away all of our unicorn magic?" Alec said while raising his voice once more.
"All I am saying is that the contents of the lab journals need to be brought to light. What is done with the information is up to the discretion of the journalists," Fred retorted still maintaining his composure.
"So I brought you here today on the show in hopes that you could give us a sneak peek of the journals in question. Would that be at all possible?" Alec inquired.
"Of course! I brought along all of the lab reports that we could find. I can read them on air if you have the time," Fred replied excitedly.
"Sure thing I have all day! First we must go to a commercial break," Alec said.
The scene of Alec and Fred talking at a table transitioned into a shot of Alec standing next to several of his products.
"Hi I am Alec Jonas and I am here to tell you about the dangers of public well-water. It is common knowledge that clouds are formed by the pegasus workers in Cloudsdale but what isn't common knowledge is what they put in them! Protect your family from potential deadly chemicals introduced in the cloud forming process with Chem-Be-Gone! A safe patent pending paste that is applied directly to your forehead for maximum protection," Alec said while holding a stick of Chem-Be-Gone.
The screen faded to black before returning to the shot of Alec and Fred at the table.
"Hi and welcome back to the Alec Jonas Show. I am with my friend, Fred Baker, and he is about to reveal the deep dark secrets about the so called Princess of Friendship," Alec said while sipping from his coffee mug.
"Thank you, Alex. I will now read a document entitled Lab Report #4. It was found deep inside a filing cabinet next to the workstation of the princess," Fred reported as he pulled out a crumpled piece of paper.
The Barely Recovered and Possibly Suspect Lab Notes of Twilight Sparkle
I am unsure of why I continue to write these due to the secrecy of my work. If I, Twilight Sparkle, have my way then these documents will never see the light of day. I am continuing my research into the psychic field that I have hypothesized exists because of ponies with a similar sense of clairvoyance that is exhibited by Pinkie Pie. I have long been a skeptic of the controversial "Pinkie Sense" but in light of recent events I have been forced to investigate the matter further.
I have given up my direct studies of Pinkie Pie due to comical amounts of injury. Now I hire out vagrants on the street to order from Sugar Cube Corner and observe the actions of Pinkie at her workplace. So far I have had zero accounts of "Pinkie Sense" but the sales at Sugar Cube Corner have gone up by 10% this quarter thanks to my efforts.
After drying up my funds on the bills of my many diners, I decided to try and tap into the theoretical psychic field myself. I started from the little data I collected when I had Pinkie hooked up into my EEG scanner. After days upon days of consideration I finally made the conclusion that "Pinkie Sense" directly correlates to spikes of higher brain activity.
Using this conjuncture, I tried to stimulate areas of my own brain in order to tap into the psychic plane. First, I tried stimulants the most common of which was regular coffee. After a personal record of fifteen straight cups of coffee I was unable to produce any of the signs of "Pinkie Sense" but instead I suffered from a huge caffeine crash that required emergency resuscitation from my faithful assistant, Spike. I may be the first to note in hundreds of years that dragon breath smells like old garbage.
I took another look at the data I gathered from Pinkie and realized that she does not have the brain activity of the average equine. In fact, she has almost damaging levels of activity in all areas of the brain going off constantly. The ability to step inside that mind of hers would be almost indescribable.
I made a new conjuncture, unusual brain activity correlates directly with "Pinkie Sense" instead of spikes of higher brain activity.
The amount of exotic mushrooms that I borrowed from Zecora should have been enough to produce minimal hallucinations yet still provide enough unusual brain activity to tap into whatever "Pinkie Sense" is. I obviously miscalculated the accurate dosage because I spent the next few days trapped in what seemed to be a horrifying high school anime. Although I can mark the unusual brain activity theory as a failure; I have a few ideas of how to market a race of bipedal, furless creatures in foal's television.
Finally, I realized that I was out of ideas and I quit my studies of the mysterious "Pinkie Sense" whatever it was.
This Month's Expenditures
*500 bits on restaurant bills.
*20 bits on 4 bags of coffee
*3 bits on Mouthwash
*7 bits on "I Love Shrooms" shirt
*38.5 hours of my life wasted
Total: 530 bits spent for science.
Foreword to The 3rd Edition of the Oak Commission
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The Barely Recovered and Possibly Suspect Lab Notes of Twilight Sparkle
Foreword to The 3rd Edition of the Oak Commission
Dearest Citizen,
The destruction of Golden Oaks Library was a tremendous tragedy to all of those in Ponyville and it still affects the educational capacity of the town even a year later. All of those who remember walking inside its hallowed rooms can vouch for its significance to the history of Ponyville. The building itself was constructed inside a huge, ancient tree shortly after the founding of the town.
Besides being a testament to the rich history and ingenuity of the early earth pony settlers; the building has taken on the prestige of housing Equestria's newest Princess. Twilight Sparkle lived in the building before she was even a princess and continued to reside in Golden Oaks until its untimely destruction. The Library was a shining light of knowledge and regality and it's legacy will illuminate us all forever.
The contents of this report where gathered at the request of the Equestrian government and funded through public taxation. This updated third edition contains a detailed description of the destruction of the subterranean portions of the library. The investigations henceforth have been funded through private interest groups and government watchdogs. The official explanation that an explosion caused by Tirek was to blame for the destruction of the ground and upper levels still stands as factual. The updated explanation in this edition describes how residual fires spread to the basement levels.
It is important for the trust between the public and government to remain unsoiled. If there is any inaccurate information found in this text I personally urge you to write to me or any future officials to take up this post. The office can be reached at 1333 Federal Parkway, Canterlot.
Sincerely,
Factual Finder
Head of The Oak Commission
