The Mostly True Adventures of Wade Wilson in Equestria

Chapter the Seventh
In which Our Hero gets a bath

"I simply can't believe that nopony, not one, performed their duties last night. It is appalling that the entire staff-" Rarity paused to gaze sternly at the rows of shamefaced ponies standing before her. "-was cowering in the cellars like a group of school colts and fillies. No, not even like school ponies, for my dear sister and her little friends have more courage and common decency than the lot of you!" One foolhardy earth pony with a grape bunch cutie mark raised his hoof.

"B-begging your pardon Lady Rarity, but my job is in the cellar," he said. An earth pony with a cutie mark of a cheese wheel missing a slice nodded in agreement. The other ponies quietly edged away from them.

"Oh? Did you, perhaps, seeing your co-workers shirk their duty to the princess, take it upon yourselves to deliver the wine and some snacking cheeses to our guest, and ensure his comfort then?" Rarity asked, her voice cloyingly sweet.

The fromagier and sommelier looked at each other nervously.

"Er, not, in-ah, so many words," said the sommelier. The fromagier laid his ears back and lowered his head. He mumbled something half heartedly.

Rarity tapped her hoof rather like a teacher demanding the attention of her students.

"Don't mumble, Mr. Curd, it is unbecoming. Now, what words would you use, exactly, then, Mr. Bunch?" Rarity said.

“Um, no. No we didn’t do that. We, uh,” Mr. Bunch bowed his head and lowered his ears, “We ate Soft Curd’s cheese plate and hid in the root cellar.” Mr. Bunch scuffed a hoof against the floor contritely. Soft Curd, the fromagier, stood up straighter and looked at Rarity.

“I’m sorry I mumbled. But, I did make a cheese plate, for late night snacking. Burst Bunch was gossiping with the maids and they ate it all up without delivering it! And, and the stories they were saying about that new pony...” Soft Curd looked down at the floor and shuffled his hooves nervously. “They were really scary.”

Rarity paused and recalled her own shameful behavior back when Zecora had been new to town.

"Well, I know how scary strange ponies can be," Rarity said kindly. Then turned her serious gaze to all the ponies. "But I had thought that we were quite clear on what to expect when working for Princess Twilight and the rest of us. We can hardly call ourselves the Friendship Kingdom if the Princess can't provide for her subjects; and this pony is still a pony! How will you act when griffins and zebras and buffalo start petitioning our Princess?" She shook her head sadly. "Well, if you think you need a position elsewhere after yesterday, that is understandable. I will make sure that you receive your letters of recommendation. I know that actually facing such... excitement is very different than how you imagined it to be." Rarity paused. The assembled ponies looked at each other nervously, yet nopony stepped forward to resign.

Suddenly a pink blur of excited energy burst into the room, leaving a trail of confusion and party invitations. The help stood in a bewildered disarray with invitations variously in their hooves, manes and mouths. The latter seemed especially stunned. It stopped in front of Rarity and resolved itself into Pinkie Pie. She bounced and pronked eagerly in place as she gave Rarity an invitation and waited for her to open it.

Rarity, rather used to Pinkie Pie, ignored the chaos and took the invitation in her magic field. She opened it to reveal a somewhat-longer-than-usual-for-an-invitation invitation that said, in a rather silly font. "You're invited to Deadpool's Welcome to Ponyville Sorry Our Princesses Killed You Congratulations Party!" And continued on with the time, date, location and other such party related things.

"Oh, er, that is a rather specific sort of party for our new friend," Rarity said, not for the first time flummoxed by the party pony.

-=*=-

Elsewhere in Equestria a lanky, curly-haired pony in a poncho and cowpoke hat shivered in a particular, peculiar manner and shared an enigmatic gaze with the rubber chicken riding on his back.

"This one's gonna be a doozy, Boneless Two."

-=*=-

Pinkie Pie leapt up and let loose a mighty squee. If she hovered weirdly longer than a reasonable earth pony should, Rarity paid it no nevermind. The squee shook the still assembled staff out of their daze. They quickly returned to their duties. Which, at this point, mostly consisted of clocking out and leaving the palace grounds as quickly as possible since their shift was technically over with the sunrise.

As Pinkie floated back down to her hooves, Rarity realized that her squee actually contained entire words, and at least one sentence. Knowing that the best way to get her to speak sensibly was a distraction, Rarity asked her a question about the invitation.

"Pinkie, dear, I rather understand the first two... celebrations, but what are we offering our congratulations for?"

Pinkie paused in her excited explanation of her adventures in cherry chimichanga making to gaze disconcertingly at nothing and wink knowingly. She leaned uncomfortably close to Rarity's ear and whispered, "Spoilers!"

Rarity let out a huff of annoyance and took a step back.

"Really, Pinkie!" Rarity said in a familiar sort of fond irritation. "I hadn't thought he had anypony with him, is all. If this is a reception on top of a welcoming party and, er, apology party, then I need some clue so that I can bring an appropriate gift!" Rarity said. Her tone was annoyed, but it was a cunning ploy for more details. She tossed her mane and flipped be tail theatrically. Pinkie Pie looked around the now empty room suspiciously and made a "come here" motion with her hoof. Rarity leaned in, ready for gossip.

"Deadpool didn't come here alone, silly!" Pinkie said at her normal volume. Rarity let out a startled and undignified squawk at the surprising not-whisper. Pinkie Pie giggled and bounced away, her cheerful singing voice echoing throughout the castle.

Rarity brushed invisible lint off of her coat and took a moment to recover her center.

"Whatever could she mean?" Rarity said quietly, a thoughtful look upon her face as she made her way back to her makeshift sewing room.

-=*=-

Political leaders the world over have busy schedules. Princess Twilight Sparkle was no exception. What with overseeing the rebuilding of her newly acquired kingdom, caring for her not-quite-a-brother Spike, visiting with her friends, establishing an entire bureaucracy from the top down, saving the entire planet from a fate worse than death, visiting with different friends, completing impossible spells left by ancient sages, discovering new dimensions, writing letters to her (former) mentor, researching the magic of friendship, and hearing petitions from her subjects, not to mention the sundry tasks needed to remain clean, conscious and courteous, well, Twilight Sparkle had a very busy schedule, indeed.

Currently she was in her new, mostly empty library, levitating an invitation, scroll and quill and ink. She was grumbling to herself as she reorganized her weekly schedule to fit in the party being thrown by her pink friend. A brown owl was snoozing on a slightly singed perch with the nameplate of Owlicious on the base. This didn't seem to be the source of the slightly burnt scent hanging in the air, though. Fluttershy stood next to Owlicious, fluttering her wings anxiously and quietly calling Twilight’s name.

"Well, I'll just have to reschedule the Froggy Bottom Bog frog counting to the day after," she said out loud, unaware that Fluttershy had been quietly trying to get her attention.

"Oh, um, that's OK, Twilight, I understand. One day isn't going to make that big of a difference in their population, afterall," Fluttershy said quietly. She looked at the floor then looked up at Twilight in concern. "We mustn't put it off any longer though, if, um, your schedule has room for it, I mean." She hid her face behind her mane. "That is, it will be too dangerous to do the count if we can't find that grumpy hydra and give them a nap before we start, so I hope you can still make it."

Twilight gave a start and peered at Fluttershy in confusion.

"Fluttershy! When did you get here?" Twilight said in surprise. Then she shook her head and set her schedule, quill and ink down, "Nevermind, that's not important now. Of course I'll help you with that, it's just that-" Twilight saw that Fluttershy had an invitation poking out of her mane and laughed tiredly while gesturing to the envelope, "you know how Pinkie Pie gets. She'll keep throwing the party until everypony makes an appearance."

Fluttershy nodded in agreement.

“Who?” asked Owlicious as he blinked his eyes sleepily. Twilight narrowed her eyes at him and stomped her hoof.

“I told you, Owlicious, that pegasus pony that caused all the, the, the stuff. Last night,” Twilight said in a huff, unwilling to go into detail in front of her shy friend. Fluttershy giggled shyly and ducked her head behind her mane.

“I’m sure Owlicious remembers, he’s just sleepy,” Fluttershy said softly. Twilight flicked her wings and blew a puff of air in frustration.

“I need to organize the workers for the day!” Twilight started on as if the little incident hadn’t happened. Fluttershy perked up and attempted to get Twilight’s attention again.

“Oh, um, I don’t think,” Fluttershy said quietly. Twilight continued describing her schedule and exactly how it had gotten out of alignment as she began prancing anxiously out of the disconcertedly barren crystal library. “you need to worry about that—” Fluttershy tried again. Twilight flared her wings in surprise and wheeled to face Fluttershy.

“What kind of Princess is late to her own meetings that she scheduled herself?!” Princess Twilight Sparkle cried out, angry at herself for getting her day out of order. Fluttershy let out a quiet squeak and cowered behind her own mane and wings at Twilight's outburst.

“Th-th-th-th-that is to s-s-s-say, I-I-I mean,” Fluttershy began. Twilight lowered her wings and knelt down to nuzzle Fluttershy.

“I’m sorry Fluttershy,” she said contritely. “It doesn’t matter how much stress I’m under, I should never yell at my friends like that,” Twilight said, then sniffed a bit and continued on, “I’m just so scared that I’m going to do something terrible and, and, and this time it won’t be OK!”

Fluttershy gently patted Twilight’s hoof with her own and wrapped her wings around her, surprise forgotten.

“There, there, Twilight. I know it seems bad now, but if we all work together we'll pull through. I'm sorry your day, um, week is going so poorly, but Applejack is helping with the workers. That's why I said earlier that you shouldn't worry. With your friends to help, you can do anything," Fluttershy said, her voice quiet and kind. Twilight took heart and gave Fluttershy a fierce hug. Fluttershy squeed meekly. Twilight released her and took a step back, brushing at her eyes with one wing.

"Thank you Fluttershy. I'm sorry, again, for yelling at you, it wasn't OK. I'm so lucky to have such good friends as you," Twilight said. She took a deep breath and raised her hoof to her chest, held it a moment, and then exhaled slowly as she pushed her hoof away. She repeated this two more times and then resumed her walk as Fluttershy kept pace beside her.

"Um, it’s, it’s a lovely day for a bath," Fluttershy began timidly. Twilight Sparkle was somewhat less than sparkling right now, and past experience told Fluttershy that the direct method of telling her she needed a bath didn't work out so well when Twilight was in a worrying sort of mood.

Twilight, lost in thought, made a noncommittal sort of sound. Fluttershy nervously began leading their walking and started steering Twilight towards the baths.

"It, uh, sure would be nice to get clean and relax, with a friend," Fluttershy said in an awkward attempt at convincing Twilight to bathe without telling her that she smelled rather like scorched blood and it was probably poor form for the Princess of Friendship to smell like she had just come from a fiery battle. Down that path lay at least one panic attack.

Thankfully, for everypony, Twilight's thoughts were so engrossing that she did not notice as they entered the baths.

The baths, like everything else in the palace, were built with a blue sort of crystal. They were modeled on the ancient Hippo-Roanan social baths of old. Near the front were pink crystal cubbies hanging over a row of golden pegs. All but one cubby was filled with soft, fluffy towels. The one cubby had dirty journal and pencil in it and some black and red clothing was hanging from its peg. There were few small baths set into the floor, as well as one rather large hot bath for soaking behind them. There was also a wet sauna and a full spa. Twilight had started muttering to herself as she worked over an unspecified problem in her mind, as such she remained oblivious while Fluttershy cautiously led her into one of the washing baths. Fluttershy looked meekly around for the soap and loofah, and let out a startled “eep” as a team of ponies armed with bath products leapt out from seemingly no where and set to work lathering her and Twilight’s coats and manes. Fluttershy froze from anxiety while Twilight remained in a world of what sounded like thaumic theory. After the bubbly assault was complete, the bath ponies gently rinsed the two mares, bowed, and disappeared.

After a few moments of quiet trembling, Fluttershy became aware of a peculiar sort of sound that made her think of somepony writing something. Which was strange, as it sounded nothing like a quill on paper. After a few more moments she regained control of herself enough to look about, and saw a white box floating in the air near the spa. It bounced about in a sort of greeting when it noticed Fluttershy looking at it. Twilight remained lost in thought.

“Oh, um, hello,” Fluttershy said, her voice quieter than a whisper. The box displayed what she assumed were words, and a symbol that she recognized, a question mark.

She tried again, “Hi there.” It came out a bit louder.

Two question marks. She took a deep breath, “Hello!” she said, at a quiet but audible volume.

It had an exclamation mark and bounced about again in something like a wave. Fluttershy looked around and carefully guided Twilight out of the bath. Water streamed from their coats and hair. Before she could step toward the towels, the bath ponies reappeared, armed with soft and absorbent fabric. Fluttershy squeaked, froze in shock, and then fell over. After a flurry of terrycloth, the two mares were now dry, if a bit more fluffy than before the bath.

Fluttershy lay where she had fell, panting nervously and hoping fervently that an assault of curry combs and hairbrushes was not in her immediate future. Twilight Sparkle started drawing arcane runes in the water left on the floor. After a few moments she wiped them out and tried again.

Fluttershy thought she heard a familiar, feminine murmur coming from the spa area. Which was a bit peculiar, as Spa Day was scheduled for two days from now and Aloe was a punctual, and thoroughly scheduled pony. Fluttershy attempted to call out but barely managed a tiny little meeping sound.

A yellow box seemed to peer around the corner, then floated fully into view.

Fluttershy twitched her wings and wiggled her hooves helplessly. She managed to bump against Twilight, squeaking at the surprise contact.

Twilight jumped and looked about in confusion.

“Fluttershy! Oh, I’m sorry I must have zoned out for a moment there,” Twilight said with an embarrassed laugh. Her magical magenta corona flared into existence around her horn and Fluttershy as she righted her toppled friend. Fluttershy trembled for a few moments before letting out a quiet, deep breath and lowering her wings.

“Oh, thank you Twilight. I’m sorry to be such a bother. It’s just that, well, I wasn’t expecting, um, bath ponies?” Fluttershy said. Twilight looked around with a bit more care this time.

“What are we doing in the baths?” Twilight said, perplexed.

“Oh, um, well,” Fluttershy said in while she tried to think. Twilight noticed the two boxes.

“You!” she said, with a crack of sound and flash of magenta she was across the room.

“Bamf isn’t a word,” Twilight Sparkle snapped at the boxes.

“Uh, yeah it is. Bamf is the sound bamf’rs make in our ‘verse,” Deadpool, or rather, Wade said helpfully from the spa. Where currently he was mostly submerged in Aloe’s Alleviating Alluvial Ablution while Aloe massaged his relaxed wings. Twilight snorted, stamped her hoof, and then performed six of her calming exercises. “Why are you two bothering Starbutt, anyways? I don’t want to grow back my entire nervous system again. Once was enough for, oh, the rest of the month, at least.”

Thankfully Twilight had closed her eyes for her calming breaths, and so missed the terrible grammar.

Wade snickered immaturely as the courier font text box ‘said’ butterfly.

“Princess Twilight, I’m sorry if we’ve interrupted your day. Miss Rarity summoned me for a spa-mergency this morning, and my goodness, it looks like I came just in time,” said the pink earth pony mare that was obviously Aloe. Her cutie mark was White Aloe Vera, a magical herb renowned for its soothing and healing properties. Her light blue mane was pulled back with a white hair band, and she wore a classy, white neckband.

“Oh, er, yes. Very good!” Twilight Sparkle said in embarrassed confusion. There was a bowl of sliced cucumbers next to Wade’s head, which he was using to make pseudo-pixel art of a human Deadpool killing ninjas. Ostensibly as pony mouth grabbing practice, but also for snacks. Mostly it looked like a deformed arc reactor made out of cucumber slices. But the only beings that could tell him exactly how he had failed weren’t paying attention to him.

A magical gramophone sort of device was playing relaxing music from one corner, and the tension relieving scent of jasmine and bergamot filled the spa. Fluttershy waved meekly at Aloe.

“Hello Aloe,” she said softly. Aloe dipped her head in greeting.

“Hello Fluttershy, dear,” Aloe said as she flexed and rubbed the tension out of Wade’s wing. He groaned indecently and muttered something mostly unintelligible regarding moons. The boxes slumped against each other and floated a bit lower to the ground.

“Yeah, but these hooves are a joke,” Wade said lazily. “I mean, how am I supposed to do anything fun with hooves.” He stuck out his tongue and blew a noisy raspberry. Aloe tut-tutted but otherwise didn’t comment.

“Wait, what do you mean by that?” Twilight Sparkle said.

"I can't exactly jerk it with hooves," Wade said, as if it were patently obvious. The mares stared at him in incomprehension. Clearly, some slang was not universal.

"Um, well, if somepony can't use their hooves then they use their mouth instead," Fluttershy said. "Some pegasi can use their wings almost as well as magic, um that is, if you practice."

"Sounds like way too much work. I already know how to use my fingers, thanks. I just have to get them back."

"Oh! You mean you aren't actually a pony? I know a transmogrification spell that can help! You were something with fingers, then? Was it a Diamond Dog?" Twilight asked in excitement. With a flare of her corona she grabbed Wade in her magical grip. He squawked loudly and tried to get away, which splashed viscous sparkling mud everywhere.

"Oh, um, Twi-twilight," Flutters said, unheard over the ruckus. Aloe stomped her hooves in distress.

"Princess Twilight! Please put Mr. Pool down!" Aloe said, her Hippean accent becoming more pronounced.

"Oh! But I'm sure I've got it!"

"Hu-human?!" Twilight Sparkle said in astonishment.

"Did we stutter?" Wade said.

Twilight winced as she dispersed the magic she had gathered for her spell. Wade squealed and giggled as her aura flared over him, splattering the mud coating his body all about the spa.

"Sorry! Sorry!" Twilight said loudly. She placed his now mud free form on the ground. "I uh, I guess, I'm still... backlashed..." she said haltingly.

"Oh, oh my, you look, um... you look... nice," Fluttershy said.

Through some special healing alchemy, his previously mangy looking gray coat was now plush and gleaming. His smaller scars were hidden under his fur, while his larger scars had grown in white. His still long tail was a rich, burnished gold.

"Yeah, well next time don't stab my boxes or it'll be a lot worse than a headache," Wade said matter of factly.

Aloe puffed out her chest and gestured at Wade proudly. His ears and wings shifted nervously as he looked around at the staring mares. The white text box started laughing.

"Do you see what a professional can do?" Aloe said, oblivious to the white text box's amusement. Fluttershy nodded mutely, her wings trembling. Twilight's wings rose half way in contemplation of the well muscled, incredibly fit stallion before her. Wade turned his head around to examine his wings and body.

“Oh jeebus, what did you do to me?” Wade said in horror as he realized he was now shimmering and slightly fluffier than usual.

"You’re a little pony princess!" Wade said irritably at his boxes. "It's not like it's going to last, anyways. The good ol’ healing factor will kick in soon enough"

“Weasels go pop now?” Wade said in confusion.

“Oh, yeah! I can do that,” Wade said cheerfully.

Wade bounced over to Aloe and picked her up in an awkward hug.

“Thanks nice lady for the sparkly mud bath! It was magical!” he said cheerfully. Aloe blushed, though it was somewhat hard to tell under her pink coat.

“Please! Mr. Pool, I am a professional,” she said in protest. Though she returned the hug, just a tiny bit.

“Well OK!” he said happily, and planted a sloppy, wet, cucumber flavored kiss on her lips. Twilight and Fluttershy gaped at him in shock, Fluttershy’s trembling wings unfurling to half mast, as it were. After an indecent amount of time, he broke away and pranced across the spa. Aloe remained rooted in place, blinking dazedly.

“Ladies,” he said in his most suave voice as he passed them at a prance and then proceeded to parkour across the baths. Though the spa session did nothing for his internal scarring, so his most suave voice sounded rather less like Ryan Reynolds than he liked to imagine. Rather more like gasoline over gravel, actually.

His text boxes floated along with his head, their font too small to make out.

The three surprised mares watched as he proceeded to accidentally and obliviously flirt by getting dressed into his new spandex-ish suit. Fluttershy’s wings popped all the way up at the risque display of healthy, well toned stallion flank being covered up by clothing.

“I’m gonna go find breakfast, any of you ladies wanna get a bite?” he called. They stared. He shrugged, “Eh, suit yourselves,” he said as he leapt out of the room. The fading sounds of parkour and ‘kiyah’s’ echoed through the door from the hallway.

“His flank!” Twilight said as her brain finally kicked back in gear. She knew last evening, before he’d, well, died, apparently, his cutie mark hadn’t had that blue fire behind it. Though her mouth might not have articulated her thoughts quite right.

“Oh, my, yes. That flank...” Fluttershy said with a sigh next to her.

“Forget the flank, that mouth,” said Aloe.