The Mostly True Adventures of Wade Wilson in Equestria

In which Our Hero does save innocent fillies from sure peril [part one]

Three little fillies carefully pulled themselves out from under a little red wagon. The remains of a large wooden house surrounded them. They had no cutie marks.

“Well, that didn’t go according to plan at all,” said the little unicorn filly. She shook her tail and combed a hoof through her pink and and lavender mane, knocking loose some alarmingly large splinters of wood.

“I don’t know what went wrong, I built everything according to the blueprints,” said the little earth pony filly. She gave herself a quick shake and straightened the large magenta hair bow in her mane.

“Haha, yeah, the blueprints,” said the little pegasus filly. She laughed nervously and took off her helmet to give it a cursory inspection for damage, then she righted the overturned wagon. All three fillies gave their flanks very thorough inspections, and seemed disappointed at the results.

“Well, I guess we aren’t getting our cutie marks in construction work, then,” said the pegasus filly. The three fillies took this most recent failure in stride.

“Well, I don’t know about y’all but I didn’t really want some nails for a cutie mark, anyways,” said the little earth pony.

“I dunno, Apple Bloom, a hammer would be pretty sweet,” said the little pegasus. The little unicorn made a face of disgust at the idea.

“You’d think a frog cutie mark would be ‘pretty sweet’, Scootaloo,” said the unicorn filly. Scootaloo and Apple Bloom snorted.

“Like you wouldn’t be happy with a frog cutie mark, if you got one, Sweetie Belle!” Scootaloo said. She was searching through the remains of their amateurly built house for something.

“Well, yeah. I guess it’d be OK,” said Sweetie Belle.

“It’d be somethin’,” Apple Bloom said, her head tilted down and ears lowered.

“But how would you get a frog cutie mark, anyways?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Yeah, we already tried takin’ care of Fluttershy’s pets and well…” Apple Bloom said, trailing off as she wiggled her still blank flank in explanation. Scootaloo shuddered.

“Don’t remind me, ugh. I don’t think I can ever look at a bunny ever again,” Scootaloo said. She kicked over some rubble and pulled out a slightly battered, but well maintained scooter.

“You know, I think I overheard Fluttershy saying something about counting frogs in Froggy Bottom Bog…” Sweetie Belle said, with a thoughtful expression as she tried to recall what exactly Fluttershy had been saying.

Scootaloo and Apple Bloom shared a look of cautious optimism.

“Cutie Mark Crusaders frog counters—” they began to say, lifting their hooves up in the air tentatively. Sweetie Belle shrugged and lifted her hoof up as well, “Yay!” they cried out in unison.

-=*=-

“Oh man, is that pork? I love pork!” Deadpool said in excitement as he bounced into the dining hall. During the reconstruction of Ponyville there was always a spread of food out for anyone in need. Right now, Princess Celestia and Spike were seated comfortably on the floor at a small table. The only other ponies were a few palace staff.

“Uh, yeah. It’s only the best pork in Equestria!” Spike said, ignoring the text boxes. Celestia glared at the yellow text box, but otherwise did not comment.

“You have my attention, dragon-boy,” Deadpool said as he started to pile a plate high with various cheeses and fritters.

“It’s from Sweet Apple Acres,” Spike said as if that were explanation enough. Deadpool made a face at the healthy salads, but did take some of the succulent fruits.

“They eat apples and acorns and mushrooms. Though the mushrooms really don’t help their flavor, they just like to eat them. I think,” Spike said. He scrunched up his nose and said, “Pigs are kind of weird.”

Celestia sipped regally at her fruit smoothie and gazed out the open windows, enjoying the pleasant spring breeze.

“I think it’s pretty hilarious,” Deadpool said as he looked between his plate piled high with a tower of food-that-wasn’t-pork and the perfectly prepared pork roast. “I mean, of all the animals that can’t talk, it’s the pigs,” he added by way of explanation. He flexed his shimmering wings thoughtfully, inadvertently drawing Spike’s attention to them.

“Why are you sparkling?” Spike said.

“Oh, shut up,” Deadpool said, his ears slanting and tail lashing in irritation. Then coming to a decision he took the plate in his mouth and hovered carefully. Carrying the roast in his hooves he flew over to Spike and Celestia, then dropped the roast on the table with a messy plop. Celestia took another, calming sip of her smoothie. Spike gaped in astonishment.

“You’re going to eat the whole thing?” Spike said. Deadpool sat his plate carefully on the table, leaving his precariously balanced tower still standing.

“Well, duh. I’m starving! Regrowing entire organ systems is fu—” Celestia turned her gaze on Deadpool, “uh I mean, really calorie intensive. Meat is really calorie dense, especially fatty meats.”

“Besides, we have what, two more chapters after this? We better hurry it on up,” Deadpool said.

“I am a Princess, there are no Queens in Equestria,” Princess Celestia said calmly.
Spike reached out a clawed hand and tore off a chunk of meat. Deadpool rolled up his mask over his snout and set to eating his leaning tower of ‘pizza’. For a few minutes there was only the sound of noisy eating echoing in the dining room.

“Ah-hah! I thought that I’d find you here! Deadpool, what did you mean, you were human? I mean it obviously makes sense that you’d be a pony now, since I didn’t stay a pony through that mirror. But that mirror isn’t active right now, so maybe it doesn’t make sense. Did you come in through a mirror? If you didn’t come in through a mirror how did you get here, then? I wonder if it has anything to do with those reports about the Everfree Forest? How long have you been here? Were you in the Everfree Forest yesterday? Last night?” Twilight Sparkle said as she entered the dining room and spotted Deadpool. She was still slightly fluffier than usual. Deadpool waved at her with a wing but otherwise didn’t interrupt his eating to address any of her questions.

“What? But I’m not writing anything down, I’m speaking,” Twilight said in confusion.

“Uh… OK?” said Twilight with her ears and head cocked in confusion.

Deadpool let out a loud, smelly belch.

“Ugh, god, Wolverine: Origins was such a shitty movie. I can’t believe people even watched it,” he said, apparently in response to the text box. Twilight stared at him in consternation. Spike had paused his eating to gaze in awe at the source of such an amazing belch. Princess Celestia closed her eyes and drank from her smoothie in silence.

The text boxes’ ‘conversation’ devolved into nigh incomprehensible Ryan Reynolds references and movie talk.

Deadpool waved a hoof with nonchalance as he started eating the roast, not bothering to cut any meat off and put it on his plate. Spike narrowed his eyes at him and started tearing off chunks as well. It quickly devolved into a speed competition between the two of them.

“I guess?” Twilight did know what movies were, from her time in the human world, but that still was a bit of a strange non-sequitur. She winced and cringed as she watched the impromptu, messy, noisy food contest between the two. After a moment she regained her composure. “Spike!”

Spike froze in place. His ‘Who, me?’ expression was somewhat ruined by the shank bone still in his jaws. Deadpool took the chance to gnaw at some of the meat still hanging on to it, then fell over when Spike bit clean through the bone still in is his mouth.

“Ow,” Deadpool said from his face plant into the table, dropping the bone. Spike quickly grabbed the prize and leapt back to his seat.

“Spike, really. You’ve been raised better than this,” Twilight said in reproach. Spike crunched down and swallowed the split bones. He pointed at Deadpool accusingly.

“He started it!” Spike said. Twilight stared at Spike. Spike stared at Twilight. Deadpool sulked back to his seat and slurped at his tea. Celestia gazed up at the ceiling, questioning everything that had lead to the previous twenty-four hours.

“Fine. I’m sorry I ate half the roast. There!” Spike said with a huff and a small lick of green flame. He crossed his arms and turned his head away from Twilight. Twilight sighed and shook her head.

“Anyways, Deadpool, if you need help getting back to your world you’ve come to the right place! I just need to know a bit more about you, and your world. I’ve brought some items I’d like you to look at and tell me if you recognize them, please.”

Deadpool lashed his shining tail and laid his mask covered ears back.

“Fine, OK. But I reserve the right to punch you in the face if start getting too psycho-babble-y,” Deadpool said with reservation in his voice.

“Haha, Deadpool, you kidder, you,” Twilight said as she laughed nervously. “Well, anyways, here we go!” Twilight said as she showed Deadpool a photo of her as a human, with her human friends.

“What? No. No aliens. These are my human friends,” Twilight said as she looked at the picture of her with her human friends in confusion. “What’s a Krylorian?”

“Krylorians are basically bright pink humans, but not really,” Deadpool said. “They stay about human sized their whole life, I mean relatively speaking. You know, babies are baby sized, kids are kid sized, adults are adult sized. Not, like, they sprout up fully formed. That isn’t any fun kind of reproduction.”

He looked at the picture of the ‘humans’ again, “They’re kinda, sorta, really, fu—,” with a nervous glance to Celestia, who was now glaring at him again, Deadpool continued on, “flarking skinny. And colorful. I mean, yeah humans have been both pink and blue, but they aren’t supposed to be.”

“Right, unless they’ve got a lame power that involves being pink and/or blue,” Deadpool conceded.

“Yeah, I thought knowing about alternate dimensions was a little too convenient. Ugh,” Deadpool said. The corona around Twilight’s horn flared as she returned the photo to where it had been summoned from.

“Well, we’ll just have to figure something else out. I really need more data about your species,” Twilight said cheerfully. Deadpool stood up and flared his wings wide.

“No more data!” he snapped. Twilight took a step back and raised her hoof in a calming motion. Spike jumped in surprise and stared. Celestia lifted her smoothie in her magic field.

“No need to be alarmed, I’m just going to do whatever I want, Wade,” Twilight Sparkle said, smiling wide as she brought a shining scalpel towards him.

“NO! I won’t let you! Never again!” Deadpool screamed and reared back, forelegs thrashing and wings flailing. Twilight laughed cruelly.

“My dear Wade, how can you stop me?” she said smoothly, her gloves and scalpel dripping red with blood.

“Death before experimentation!” Deadpool cried out as he leapt at Twilight Sparkle. Purple light flooded the room and he couldn’t move. He couldn’t move his arms, his wrists, his hands. He tugged and strained, feeling the leather restraints digging into his skin, cutting. Cutting. Cutting his flesh, breaking his sternum, breaking his ribs.

Breaking his ribs a second time as they were pinned down with sharp, cold metal. Cold. So cold. Cold air on his chest-not-chest. Cold air on his ribs-lungs-heart-stomach-diaphragm.

Cold, smooth latex covered hands. Bright, stabbing purple light. No...

“Deadpool!”

Not stabbing. Tingling.

Not inside his body. On his body, his skin.

And a really nice warm fuzzy feeling coming from outside his head. Kinda weird, actually. He looked around and saw rather less blood than he had thought there’d be, actually. Like, practically none, really. He and his yellow box were covered in a magenta glow.

“Focusing, I’m focusing,” Deadpool said woozily.

“Deadpool, are you OK now?” Twilight Sparkle said in concern. He focused his gaze on her and was surprised to see they were less than a foot apart.

“Mostly OK, I guess. What’s the damage?” he said as he looked around. Spike gazed up at him in shock. The table was overturned, the contents spilled about the floor in a mess. Celestia continued to serenely drink her smoothie.

“Nopony was hurt, we just knocked over the table, is all,” Twilight Sparkle said. “Are you sure you’re OK?”

Deadpool’s back leg started twitching, “Why is everything so nice now?” he asked.

“I’m, I’m sorry Deadpool. I had no idea…” Twilight Sparkle lowered her eyes and ears. “I didn’t mean to remind you of bad things. I just wanted to help…”

“No experiments and we’re cool,” Deadpool said, wings rising and eyes drooping. Twilight gently set him on his hooves and released her magic from around his body and his yellow box.

“Of course. I’m sure I can find some books that will help us, it will just take a while longer. If that’s OK?” Twilight said. Deadpool shook his head and fluttered his wings.

“Yeah, sure,” he said.

There was an awkward moment of silence before Twilight set to righting the table and various displaced items with her magic.

Very distantly, a cry of “Cutie Mark Crusaders, go!” could be heard. Deadpool cocked his head, Twilight froze. Princess Celestia looked to Spike.

“Spike,” she said calmly. “Take a letter.” Spike jumped to attention with a scroll and self inking quill in his claws, ready to write.

“Of course, Princess Celestia!” he said, whole body practically vibrating with purpose.

“Dear Moony, I’m taking a sabbatical. Love, Celly.”

“Dear… Moony,” Spike said, muttering under his breath as he wrote the letter. Slightly closer than the other shouts, four very large throats roared in distress.

“W-wait! What?” Princess Twilight said, tail lashing and wings raised in shock.

“Please send it to my sister, Spike,” Celestia said calmly. With a puff of green flame, the letter was magicked away. Celestia turned to face Twilight and placed a calming hoof upon her shoulder.

“I have the utmost faith in your abilities, Princess Twilight,” Celestia said, in her most regal and serene voice. Then with a golden flash of magic and with a quiet, clear ‘bamf’ she was gone.

Twilight’s mane sprung out of place and feathers shed from her upraised wings. Deadpool looked at Twilight.

“So I’m guessing that’s a rain cheque on getting me home, then?” he asked her. She stomped her hoof on the ground, making a loud ‘cl-ting’ noise. Then she looked at Deadpool with narrowed eyes.

“You’re some kind of superhero, right?” she snapped at him, ears laid back.

“Eh, close enough,” Deadpool said with a shrug of his wings.

“Well then, you’re coming with me! Spike, get the girls!” Twilight said with authority. Spike saluted and took off running.

Deadpool crouched and raised his wings, Twilight’s corona lit, and with a brilliant magenta flare they were gone.