A Shitty Compilation of Shitty Short Stories

"Hello?!  Anypony out there?!"

Twilight, sister of the captain of the Equestrian guard, pupil of Princess Celestia Herself, Element of Magic, and princess of Friendship....  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand protector of pedophiles everywhere.  Of course, like with any sentient being, she is corrupt, and uses her power to get what she wants, whether it be a child sex slave, food, gold, a child sex slave, or even an adult sex slave.  So, being a pedo herself, she takes pity upon those caught with foal porn or with a foal.

But never mind that, currently, she's on a mission.  A mission to find the God of Pedophilia.  A mission to find - Pedobear.  Of course, she could've just sent a platoon of conquistadors to look for it, but she doesn't trust their intelligence (if you can even call it that) enough to leave them on their own.  Unfortunately, she didn't take Celly's advice of being "careful of what you eat", and is now a fat tub of lard.  So, naturally, she had servants carry her.

But, why does she want to find this "Pedobear"?  Beats me, the bloody pony's usin' a mind-block spell.

"*Pant*, hey, HEY SPIKE!!  Yeah you, come 'ere!"

"Y-yes your highness!  Coming right away!"

"Mhmm.  That's a good boy.  Now, I want you to write a letter."

"To Princess Celestia?"

"NEIN!  To, uh, *burp* eh, mah brothah."

"Um, okay...."

Dear I'm-Less-Successful-Than-My-Sister,

Hello faggot *burp*, oh goddesses... eh Spike?  Don't write me 'burps' and such, 'kay?  Okay, alright, let us try that again, shall we?  *Ahem*"

Dear I'm-Less-Successful-Than-My-Sister,

Hello faggot, I'm writing to you 'cause I need help.  Half of my guards have died of malaria, and my servants are dropping like flies from exhaustion.  So, if you could be a dear and- *burp*, ah shite- and bring me more expendables....  Oh, and I'm running a little low on food, so I'd like you to bring some as well.  We shall be half way across Hayseed Swamps.  I expect you to arrive in three days, if you move quickly.

Your Amazing And Beautiful Lover,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

"That ought to do it.  Send it now, Spikey!"

"Aye aye, princess."

As Spike sent the letter, Twilight couldn't help but recite the book, Old Gods of Old Tales, which was where she heard about the "terrifying" Pedobear.

As Spike sent the letter, Twilight couldn't help but recite the book, Old Gods of Old Tales, which was where she heard about the "terrifying" Pedobear.

The Pedobear, or God of Pedophilia, was told amongst the many villages of Equestria, in the late Classical Era.  Back then, many started to form the notion that marrying foals was wrong, as many also figured that foals could be more than just annoying foals (after Spinwood the Great), and old ideals such as "foals are to be seen, not heard", diminished.  See, they realized that some foals may not want a partner, or depending on the age, an adult partner, and thus made monsters to scare young ones "out of their future pedophilia".

The only surviving written copy of the tale was found southeast of the Hayseed Swamps, in an old ruin, a couple hundred years ago.  Supposedly, the explorers reported strange activity around the place, claiming it to be haunted.  Of course, their greed got the better of them, and they took all they could find.

A few years later, one of the explorers, the leader to be exact, was found dead, in his house, after he failed to show at a convention.  His sphincter was ripped apart, and  copious amounts of semen was discovered in his colon.  When checked to see whose semen it belonged to, it was realized amongst the forensics department that it was a cross between alicorn and bear semen.  The same happened to all but one of the explorers, and by then they were trying to return all of the artifacts found in the ruins, believing the items to be cursed.

Once the last explorer finally reached the ruins, he was greeted by a terrifyingly large bear, who raped him with his huge phallus.  Somehow, he survived, but just barely.  He died once he told his story, at the edge of Baltimare.

Unfortunately, there were no copies made of the old tale, but one would suppose it is for the best.[

"Oh- *burp* uh shite...."

*  *  *

After five days, and a shipment from her brother, Twilight had nearly reached her goal.

"Oi!  Eh ya bloody fools!  I think we've nearly reached it!"

The crowd of ponies cheered in delight as she said this.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Twilight.

And so they did.

Later that night, whilst Twilight was alone, looking over some maps and notes, an apparition appeared.  Twilight looked up in bewilderment, and screamed for help, as she tried to move it with her magic, to no avail.

"Your screams cannot be heard, as I have paused time and space itself...."

"W-what?!"

"Listen, and listen well, foolish mortal.  I have come to warn y-"

"Warn me?!  Why?!"

"Okay, look, it is getting really fucking annoying when you shout, so ple-  No, wait, I've got a better idea."

See?  Now I'm speaking to you through a mind-link spell.  Simple!

Eh, what do you want?  Twilight telepathically asked.

I have come to warn you of your quest.  You see, Pedobear is dangerous, incredibly s-

Why don't you just stop me?  Y'know, teleport me to my castle? Twilight interjected.

If you had let me finish, you imbecile, I would've said why.  I can't touch you, not physically anyway, and because magic is a physical force... the ghost explained.

Alright, alright.  Wait, who are you?

My name is not important.  Bu-

Yes, it is.  Speak now, Twilight commanded.

You dare command me?!  Would you like to be disciplined?!

Oh, yes!  PLEASE!

Eh...  *Ahem*  Let's talk.  Why don't you take a seat over there?

As soon as the ghost finished his words, Twilight instantly knew who it was.

Chris Hansen!  The Anti-Pedo!

"FUCK IT!"

And with that, the Anti-Chris Boooo! left.

Twilight was slightly worried about the Pedobear, as Chris hardly left his bridge, except in dire circumstances.

Hmmmm... Twilight thought, as she fell asleep.

*  *  *

The next morning, Twilight Sparkle got up, to find that the ponies were ready to go.

This mad her extra happy, and so she forgot about everything that that one... guy....  Shit.  Anyway, after a few hours, she finally reached the ruins.

"Oh, *burp* finally.  Alright everypony, I know what to do.  You, Spike, *hic*, I want you to take that scroll from that pedestal, and run three meters away.  Wait three minutes, and run back and place it back."

"Why me?  I know what will happen...."

"WHY'RE YOU READIN' MAH BOOKS?!" Twilight yelled in fury.

"Well, I read the book a long time ago, when I was still friends with y-"

"Shut it!  I get it!"

Spike did as he was told and ran back and forth.

As the book made contact with the pedestal, a giant bear appeared, whilst this awful song about liking little girls played from afar.  It grabbed Spike, who was screaming, and, after letting its massive cock erect, jammed it into Spike's little dragon anus.  After a few minutes, Spike's body was nothing more than a pile of flesh.  But because dragons cannot be killed, he was still alive.

Everypony stood in horror as the Pedobear finally released a wave of semen upon Spike and those around them.  Twilight slowly began to speak.

"You have had your meal.  Now, we need your help."

The god turned to Twilight, who gulped, and spoke.

"W-we are m-most g-grateful f-for such a m-meal.  W-we have n-not had one in q-quite some time!"

"If I may ask, O King of Pedophilia, why do you address thyself as 'we'?"

"O-oh, w-well, you see, m-my p-penis is a b-being as w-well.  I r-recognize y-you as a f-follower of m-mine."

"Oh, you've got no idea," whispered one of the guards.

"SILENCE FOOL!!!  OR SUFFER THE SAME FATE OF THIS PUNY DRAGON!!!"

"O-oh, Ph-phallus, w-why m-must y-you embarrass m-me...."

Oh, I see, thought Twilight.

"S-so, what w-would y-you like, m-ma'am?"

"Oh, my, quite the gentlemen!  If you insist, I would like to have the power to make pedophilia legal all throughout the known world!"

"O-oh, m-my, 'tis q-quite a request.  V-very w-well then, y-you may h-have this p-power."

And so Twilight was about to get what she came for....

But alas, she never did, as someone had come to stop Pedobear.  Chris Hansen, otherwise known as the Anti-Chris, suddenly appeared.  Again.

"YOU!!!  I should've killed you when I had the chance!"

"M-me?!"

"No, not you fucknut, what you call Phallus, the ACTUAL Pedobear!  It's time for you to pay for your sins!"

"NAY!!!  YOU CANNOT ATTACK ME WHEN I HAVE A PHYSICAL BODY, IMBECILE!!!"

Oh, but I can!"

The Anti-Chris flew into Spike, and after a split-second, the dragon started to mend together, becoming whole.

"See!  I've got his tiny dragon cock!"

"HAH!!!  'TIS NO MATCH FOR ME!!!  I AM THREE CUBITS LONG!!!"

"Yeah, well, if I start taking stuff, I'll grow!  And there seems to be a lot of crap laying around!"

Spike knew what to do.  He quickly started to take all the artifacts, and eventually grew to the size of Gojira.

"HAH!!!  SEE?!  I AM FIFTEEN CUBITS IN LENGTH!!!"

[Cue le Darth Vader NOOOO etc. thingy]

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"Glad that's over.  Too bad I had to kill the bear.  Well Spike, you may have your body back.  Oh, and if you ever need my help, call me with this."

Hansen flew out of Spike's urethra as Spike shrunk back to his original form.  He spawned a bronze torc, emblazoned with sapphires.  Spike picked it up, shouted goodbye, and waved, as Chris Hansen flew up, up into the sky and pass the Ether.  Spike would never forget this mo-

"Gimme that Spike, or two months in the dungeon."

"Yes Princess Twilight."

"That's The Great and Powerful Princess Twilight to you, mister.  Now fuck off."

And the party traveled home, leaving the crumbling ruins behind.  No, like, seriously.  It was crumbling beneath the earth, and they were running like crazy trying to get away.  Once they left, a huge crater took the ruins' place.  Water from the nearby ocean poured into the crater, turning the area in to a bay.

THE END