A Shitty Compilation of Shitty Short Stories

Star Swirl the Goddamn Bearded stood upon a balcony to the palace in Canterlot, overlooking the great Empire of multicolored peasants and retards.  Not to mention the hobos.  And the pompous-ass hipsters.  And the hippies.  Aaaand the fetishists.  And the criminals.  And finally, the sexy mighty feminine glory that is Princess Celestia.  There's also Luna, but that's irrelevant.

Anyways, the Great Wizard sighed mournfully.

What an ass-fucking cum-munching dick-licking ass-fingering pussy-jabbing shit-filled country this is, he thought.

A cold breeze blew past his sheathed member, which shrunk from fear.  What a damned pussy.

"It's quite alright, my friend.  There's no pony here to hurt you.  Goddamn it, I need some shit to eat,"  Star Swirl stated.  He did a 360 flip backwards whilst wacking off to fillies down below before landing behind the curtains leading to the balcony.  He looked around his room, inspecting every inch of it for no particular reason.  Everything in it spelled autism, and it helped with keeping all the weird social ponies out of there.

Star Swirl moved onwards with a steady mind and stout heart toward the royal kitchen.  On his way, he was assaulted by five maids seeking sex.  Thinking quickly, he assessed their tactics, and seeing flaws, he swiftly took care of them.  He unhooked his staff from his back and brought it in front of him, all the while charging up a shock spell.

He swung mildly around like a drunkard while flinging lightening in random directions.  The maids' eyes burned from the awesome technique of the wizard, and they crumpled upon the floor, defeated and writhing in agony.  Star Swirl tea-bagged the nearest maid and galloped off, laughing at their misery.  There were also three guards that happened to be patrolling the nearby area, and had watched the nearby spectacle with awe, but did nothing to intervene, because sandwiches.

*  *  *

When Star Swirl finally reached the kitchen, he was mildly exhausted.  He threw open the refrigerator door and used his tongue to seek out the best beverage to quench his thirst.  He found a cold beer and a cake.  He levitated both products to his mouth and swallowed both.  You know, 'cause he's Star Swirl the fucking Bearded.  He's that awesome.

Anyways, the wizard, finally deciding to get on with the plot, he teleported outside of the castle to begin his planned crusade.  The Goddamn glorious crusade of penises is a-go!  He ordered a nearby guard to assemble his battalion.

"And if my name isn't Star Swirl the Bearded, my name is STAR SWIRL THE FUCKING BEARDED!  I shall be victorious in this mighty and beloved crusade!  HOO-AH!"  Star Swirl shouted while raising his beautiful fore-hoof into the air.  A hawk screeched in the distance.

MEANWHILE....

"Heh hueh hah hah haaAAH!  You dirty fat-fucking dumb dumbity dumb dumb goy!  How dare you even say that, you evil wizard!  What has Penisrael done for Equestria?  Oh I'll tell you!  It's a little something called EVERYTHING!  And what do we get?  Holocaust after holocaust after holocaust!  I swear, if that so called wizard decides to stage a crusade against my people - my wonderful people - I will personally see to that horrible Empire's destruction!  I'LL HAVE NONE OF IT, I TELL YOU!  NONE!  Yeeah ahah ah AH HAH!  They'll all pay...." a high pitched voice declared.  It was, my God, a penis.  Yes, a penis - the Lord of all Penises, ranging from all over the world and inside Penisrael, the infamous capital of the penises.  A penis dressed all in black with a large hood and a scythe hanging behind his barrel.  And his plan, his ingenious plan, was to take back everything Penisrael had done for Equestria, and rape Star Swirl in his anus.  (That's some future shit right there.)

AND SO WE JOIN OUR HERO ONCE MORE....

          Star Swirl barely walked two blocks before collapsing in front of a bar.  A man dressed in a suit walked over to him.

"Eww.  An old guy,"  he said before picking up a nearby stick and poking the wizard's snout.  Yes, it was the hobo guy from the alley that always liked to spy on Celestia and Luna while they were doing... well, anything.  Be it in the bathroom, doing court, walking the corridors, sitting mindlessly on their thrones, or just eating.  It was his fetish.

"No, you bloody fool!"  Star Swirl shouted while standing abruptly.  The wizard looked at the human with disgust.  His face... oh by Celestia's breasts, his face... his eyes were unnaturally large and separated from his nose.  He had a large bristly uni-brow and his cheeks were bulging.  This man's name was Gary Gold-Dick.

Gary squatted down and whispered into Star Swirl's ear.

"Do you want to see my talking penis?"

"What the holy fucking fuck did you just say, boy?!"  Star Swirl shouted.

Gary slurped and pulled down his pants.  Inside was his Golden Penis of Glory.

"Hi everybody!" the penis said in a soft, soothing voice, usually befitting a pedophile.

"OH GOD!"  The wizard exclaimed.

A soft breeze whipped across the phallus, and a dribble of pre-cum squeezed out.

The wizard started vomiting violently.

"I need to go to the home of my people in Penisrael.  Can you take me?"  The penis asked Star Swirl.

The wizard, recovering from the violent onslaught of his bile, considered what the penis said for a moment.

He sighed.

"Fine.  Goddamn it," Star Swirl said, depressed from the new "company" sent from the depths of Hell.  The Penis whispered a "yay" and dragged Gary over to the wizard.

Star Swirl sighed again and grabbed the Penis with his right for-hoof and teleported them to the bottom of the mountain.  There stood 16,000 stallions dressed in crusader armor from early 1192.  There were pike-men, infantrymen, bowmen, spearmen, engineers manning catapults, and siege towers.

"What?!  You're going to attack my people?!  What's wrong with you?  Mooooom!  They're trying to kill us-!" the penis yelled out in vain.  Star Swirl smacked his staff against the penis, knocking it clean off.

"Oh God why?!" Gary knelt down and shouted towards the sky in immense pain.

"WE MARCH!!!  CELESTE VULT!!!" Star Swirl shouted towards the crusader army.

"CELESTE VULT!!!  CELESTE VULT!!!  CELESTE VULT!!!" they cheered.

And so the party marched to Penisrael, leaving a broken man and his wiener behind.

After three days, they came upon the Holy City of Jerusalami.  Alec Baldwin IV, also known as the Leprechaun King, greeted them with Bad DragonTM dildos as presents and a pork phallus for a feast.

"Now, Star Swirl, we shall discuss the plan on the morrow, as I would like to watch more gay porn with my dog," Alec told Star Swirl.

"Fine.  But, we must act soon if we are to win."

"Let me make something clear: we talk about the plan, TOMORROW.  Okay?  Alright.  Now, I sent some male prostitutes up to your room, and they seem really lonely...."

"Are they stallions?"

"Yes."

"See yah!"

And with that, Star Swirl the Bearded left the dining hall.

*  *  *

"GIVE IT TO ME!" yelled Star Swirl.

Star Swirl the Bearded was having his anus penetrated by a male prostitute, and was nearly finished when suddenly a thought struck him.

"WAIT A MINUTE!  We don't need a battle plan, because we have an army large enough!  CLOVER!"

Clover the Clever suddenly burst into the room, as if she were waiting just outside the door.

"Yes Senpai?"

"Rally the forces.  We attack tonight."

And so the army marched towards H8n' Volcano, where the Pewbs' (Penisraelites) capital was located (picture above).

And then they waited, having set up camp about a mile away.

Once Luna's grace befell upon them, the army attacked H8n'.

*  *  *

"We're under attack!" shouted countless Pewbs.

Counterweight Trebuchets fired nonstop at the capital, causing considerable amounts of damage inside the city.  Not so much the walls, though.

After days of bombardment, the firing ceased.  And the army charged forward.

Siege towers adorned with iron rods rolled towards the walls, running through the moat like it was nothing.

The Pewbs were terrified, and fled the city.

Once Star Swirl realized that they weren't fighting back anymore, he called for a cease fire.

They had won the city, but they had yet to-

"Master Star Swirl?"

"Yes Clover?"

"I found the lord.  His head's been cut off."

"Oh."

Oh.  Well, I guess that's

THE END