Everything Hates me: a Brony's Adventure

Chapter Three, De Ja Vu

I wake up. I keep my eyes closed but I know I’m awake. I catch that thought and chase it. I’M AWAKE!?!?!?

I open my eyes. A meadow. Trees with raindrops hanging off them like decorations and pain. A lot of that. I grunt and try to sit up, and thus, we have bad idea number two. As far as I could tell, my right kneecap was screwed, my collarbone broken, my arms seemed to be ok, but the headache was the killer… Imagine having the world’s worst hangover but the party’s still going on in your head. Only the whole of the police force turned up and joined in. I continued to look around. Very interesting. Pink mountains off in the distance there. Judging by the position of the sun, it had only risen a few hours ago. It was nine o’clock, maybe ten at the most.

I looked up only to see an orange and pink something come down on me faster than a meteorite on steroids. If that were possible. It landed on my left arm and said that it wanted a hug, I didn’t want to argue so I complied and hugged the abominable orange blob. In a matter of seconds I was kissing it deeply on the mouth and searching around the amorphous exterior for a hole of some description. My dick was really hard by this point, even though I had absolutely no idea what was going on.

“I love you so much.” I groaned as the blob kissed down my sweaty neck. “will you marry me?”

To my utter surprise it replied in a thick Australian accent. “I’d say so, come here you.” I was so shocked for a moment I didn’t know what to do, I just looked at it, and it looked back at me.

“ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhoooowwwwwwww!!!” I screamed. “FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU…” And then I fainted.

Poke…

Poke poke…

Poke poke poke poke poke poke…

Slap

“AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!” My eyes snapped open, wildly trying to take in my surroundings then they settled on the face of one of the creatures lying above me. No… I reached up with my right arm and grabbed its face. Soft, furry, warm.

“Hey!” he heard “What the hay do you think you’re playing at” I let go and looked towards the noise. Another one. Cyan. Many other colours. Eyes hurt. I went to rub them and war rewarded with a fresh stab of pain

“JEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS” The creatures flinched “MOTHER OF ALL THINGS HOLY WHAT THE FU…!?” Something got shoved into my mouth. I spat it out.

“Keep yer darn language down, sugar cube. We got young un’s here!” I watched the smaller orange and pink blob shuffle slightly at this.  “How dare ya ask this lil innocent filly to marry ya? What the hay are ya even s’posed to be?”

There was no mistaking that voice… Was I dead? Was this heaven? I never imagined THIS to be heaven, to be frank, I never even thought it existed. But surely, this couldn’t be heaven. Could it? No. I’d seen god on the plane, nothing nice was in heaven. Besides, god was... him, I didn’t want to think about it. Once again my eyes rolling in their sockets. I stopped them for a second. To concentrate on the creatures around me. Ponies. They were all ponies. I nearly ripped my hair out and smashed my skull into a tree, but I could do neither. My body was screwed.

“I’m not dead?” I managed “I’m alive!?!” one of the pony things quivered next to me and took a step back “How the h…!?” Furry thing in my mouth again.

“I told yer sugar cube. Language!” I spat it out again, my disillusions went away, the pain returned, fully returned. “Scootaloo, it might be an idea to run along now, thanks for telling us of this” I heard one of the figures say.

“But…” the orange and pink amorphous mass complained.

“Go. Now!” the orange and pink blob harrumphed and sploshed away in its characteristic blob like manner. I tried to moan but a mere whimper came out. “Oh dear…” another voice piped up, this one quiet.

A light tallow and pink being approached me and said “Goodness…”

What they saw was a fifteen year old human hermaphrodite with just under shoulder length brown hair, past shoulder length it morphed into a mass of snakes and the front half of some little mice. The mice were an abomination in themselves, they couldn’t move because of their situation so were trapped, unable to escape and in constant agony while they were forced to watch me masturbate. I felt sorry for them, the snakes didn’t seem so bothered though, they just slept most of the time anyway. The hair was parted down the middle so it separated in way that used to earn him the nickname ‘Dickhead mouse torturer’ at school. Part of it had singed away with parts of his clothes revealing a large left sideburn that was usually concealed and the badly burned mice were screaming in pain, the snakes very angry and attempting to eat the mice. His hair was in anarchy. He had bushy eyebrows, hazel eyes, something that resembled fleshy claws for his fore hoofs and. He was wearing… interesting folds of fabric, he had a frilly pink skirt, which the ponies recognised, but the t-shirt was a new concept to them. He had great big somethings over his rear hooves.

They watched it pass out again and dragged it between them to the nearest house. In the house was memorabilia from lots of different soft drinks manufacturers, Coca-Cola posters on the wall and empty bottles of lemonade strewn about the room. As they entered I began to wake up and noticed this, just before it all exploded into spiders. Why does everything explode into spiders? I thought, looking around at the ponies carrying me. They didn’t seem to have noticed. I was dumped down onto a chair made purely from spikes, the ponies rubbed their faces on it purposefully, scraping the skin off the bone and causing their eyes to explode. The destroyed muscle and skin healed itself and the creatures smiled contentedly. I passed out again.