Everything Hates me: a Brony's Adventure

Chapter Five, All gone…

I woke up to another big eye in my face. A much bigger eye albeit, but an eyes none the less. The owner of said eye smiled “Ah” she sighed “You are awake. Good. Are you alright?” So it’s not just humans that ask blisteringly obvious questions. I had been sledging with my cousin once in a field not too far from my house. We had given each little area of it titles, you had a slight descent at one end which we nicknamed ‘The Baby Park’ the part next to it was steeper ‘The regular’ the part next to it steeper still and bumpy as well ‘Shaken and Stirred’ and finally ‘Death Valley’ I’ll give you three guesses why we called it that. We went on all but The Baby Park, and when it came to Death Valley I fell of my sledge face first into the snow. I quickly got up and looked at my sledge, still ploughing down the hill “Come back!” I yelled at it and gave chase. Not such a good idea as it turned out. There was a rabbit hole underneath the snow and as I ran, my right foot landed in it, my leg stopped, the rest of me did not. The end result – My kneecap shattered and my leg bent the wrong way.

As I lay screaming in pain my cousin came over and the first thing he asked was “Have you ever tried stabbing yourself in the dick?” With a slight frown.

“DO I LOOK LIKE I’VE STABBED MYSELF IN THE DICK!?!? LOOK AT MY FUCKING LEG!!!” And I pointed to it. He had a confused expression, obviously wondering what my leg had to do with stabbed dicks.

“Oh, I have, it was pretty erotic, before it got infected and fell off.” I stopped screaming and stared him in the eye.

“let me see it.” I said.

“there’s nothing there to see.” He replied.

“You have a vagina?”

“of course.”

“let me see it.”

He showed me the orifice before it turned yellow from the cold and the gonorrhoea he had contracted from my eyeballs.

I had exactly the same conversation with the first seven doctors that saw me. They all died from the deadly, incurable eye-gonorrhoea.

I looked at Mollestia “I’ll give you eye-gonorrhoea” I said, and struggled to my feet.

She smiled at me “I am Princess Mollestia, queen of the rapists, and you are?”

I went to shake her hoof. “The names Dickhead Mouse Torturer.” I reply and return the smile.

“I see, because of your mane. Well then, do you mind if I call you DMT instead? What are we to do with you?”

I whisper some curses at a wall, which replies, “why are you being so mean to me! I was only trying to be helpful!” It burst into tears and ran away, I recoiled as Mollestia stopped the house from collapsing by putting in magic beams. I regain my composure.

“Well you could finish me off” I suggest. I know she won’t but oh well.

“Now why in the whole of Equestria would I want to do that?” she asks.

“Well this screwy universe has already tried to kill me four times already, why make it wait any longer?” She frowned.

“Because you have so much to live for, DMT, and you only just got here! These ponies here are…”

“I already know who they are” I cut her off “Don’t worry” I massage my temples. My major injuries may be gone, but I still had scratches, bruises and the mother of all headaches known to any creature.

“Wut?” all the ponies said together. Ah… Now this could be interesting, they didn’t know they were a cartoon.

“Ahhhh… well… It’s complicated, so complicated your brains would melt.” Rainbow dash steps forward.

“Try me” she challenges.

“OK, lets do this.” I shout and dive on top of her slick, streamlined body. Kissing her deeply and powerfully, I stoke back her technicolour mane as she pulls my leg further up her side.

“You are so sexy, Rainbow.” I moan, she replies,

“I know.” I search down her belly until I find what I’m looking for. The blue pegasus groans slightly as I massage her undercarriage. Suddenly the blob appears at the window.

“We were engaged! How could you do this to me!” it shouts, before running away crying to join the wall in ‘offended crying shack’™

“I’m sorry Rainbow.” I say, “This could never work, I only have one true lover, that sexy, sexy blob.” RD stands up, tears in her eyes, and flies away to ‘offended crying shack’™ with her stiff wings, maybe she would tell the blob the truth and she would forgive me. I hope so.

“Are you crazy?” asks rarity slightly taken aback.

“No”

“Well then, now. You have some major explaining to do, DMT, what has just happened?”

“Wut?” My memories all flood back in one… The holiday… The plane… My family… I fall to my knees again and just look at the floor. Everything was gone. What now? I always wanted to go to Equestria for the lols, even though it never existed. Or at least that’s what I thought. But I never wanted to come like this… Everyone would have thought I died in the wreckage of the plane. Utter loss consumed my heart. “It’s all gone…” I mutter “I should be dead… My family… Friends… Joanne… All gone…” A single sob escaped me. This time it was Celestia’s hoof that can come to rest on my shoulder. Now a single tear trickled down my right cheek as I looked down, unseeing.

“I think, you could use a drink.” She said. This was unexpected, ponies offering alcohol? A glass of water materialised in front of me. Ah. Just water. I drank it all in two seconds and placed the glass down. I couldn’t let my emotions overcome me right now. I had to push them out of the way for now. I could cry and smash as much as I liked later.

“Do you have an hour?” I ask and I looked up at all the confused faces.  “Because this could take a while…”