Silver Under Midnight

IV: The Cuts That Make The Lines

It's all your fault...

You stupid bastard, it's all your fault...

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I didn't want to do this, but I felt it was the only way to help. The razor glided along the top of my right forearm with ease, leaving a dull pain behind as well as a thin trail of blood. The red liquid started oozing along my arm, slowly tracing its own path. But I didn't stop. Making three more cuts, each only adding to the pain. Setting the razor down on the bed next to me, I laid back on the bed, watching the blood start to flow even stronger now, a sizable stream covering my arm. It was hypnotic in a way, watching how it slowly trickled along my arm. The pain wasn't sharp, it was dull; the type of pain you felt in your gut. The tears started to flow again, crushing my chest with sobs, no longer silent but ringing through the halls of the castle. But I didn't care. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry; sorry for everything.

The blood began to run even thicker and faster, which caused me some concern. Taking a closer look at my arm revealed several lacerated cuts, bleeding profusely.

Oh shit...

I jumped off the bed, running for the door and down the hall to the bathroom. I panicked, scrambling to find anything to stop the bleeding, now practically covering my entire right arm, dripping off my fingers. The world around me started to spin, fading in and out of consciousness. Looking down at my arm again, blood completely covered it, now leaving a sizable puddle on the bathroom floor. Looking in the bathroom's tall mirror, I saw myself. A bleeding, sobbing mess. And here I thought that this vacation was going to be relaxing. That's clearly out the window.

My knees started to wobble, slowly giving out on me. Before I knew it I hit the floor, a soft thud resonating through the castle.

I felt my eyes grow heavy, feeling leaving my body, the warm tingling of blood pooling around my body. Darkness crept in around me as the tears kept coming, silently sobbing, yearning for her to come back. Even though I knew it was too late.

My hearing dulled as death seemingly welcomed me with open arms, until I could faintly hear the bathroom door crash open, a dark blue mass standing over me. I couldn't make out who or what it was, but it was sobbing, crying in fact, before its horn lit up and lifted me off the ground effortlessly.

Everything faded to black as I felt myself move on the mass's back.

I'm sorry, Luna.

I'm sorry, Twilight.

I'm sorry everypony...

But most of all...

I'm sorry, Minuette.....

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"How did this happen?"

"I found him on the bathroom floor upstairs close to death: his right arm was cut in several spots."

"A suicide attempt... what could have prompted him to do so?"

"I'm not sure, Nurse. Is he stable at least?"

"He's lost so much blood... it's nothing short of medical miracle & your quick thinking that he's still alive, Princess."

"And barely breathing at that... Have Twilight and her friends been notified?"

"Yes, your majesty."

"Good... and Thank You."

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The world slowly came into focus as a soft beeping made itself known in the right side of my hearing. The whiteness of the room was the second thing that came into focus, a textured ceiling and white walls with some windows were all that I could see, along with some chairs, empty. Voices hummed at the peripheral of my hearing as well, both distinctly female, one sobbing. My vision continued to flicker, slowly fading to black once again, tension in my right arm reassuring me that I was still alive.

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"Jackson...." a single, shattered voice whimpered, breaking the heavy silence that the room was filled with.

I was finally able to open my eyes, practically using all my strength for this one task, feeling completely drained. There stood Rainbow Dash, at my bed side, a seriously worried look on her face: ears flat, eyes watery and confused. One of her hooves was behind my head, gently stroking my hair. The other, laid over my stomach. I could tell she had been crying, since my sheets were soaked.

I broke down, and the emotions flow, fully embracing the cyan mare, who readily squeezed me back. She leaned into my chest, quietly sobbing, while a noise drew my attention to the door. There, stood a very, concerned Twilight, visible pain in her eyes. She slowly walked up to my other bedside, gently laid a hoof on my cheek, before her head fell into my chest, her entire body heaving from sadness. In that moment I realized the error of my ways. Here I was, in a hospital room, bandages around my right arm, with my friends utterly broken in front of me.

Would I leave them? Could I leave them?

No. I wouldn't. Even though, deep in the darkest parts of my heart, I still felt the pain of losing Colgate, I knew that change had to happen.

"I-It'll all be ok... The doctors said... you'd be ok..."

"Don't ever leave us again!" exclaimed Rainbow Dash before folding her ears back and crossing her forelegs.

"P..please...."

Minutes past, and before long nurses and doctors came in to take measurements and tests, accompanied by one pony: Luna. The look on her muzzle was one of not disappointment, but of sheer horror at the thought of nearly losing one of her closest friends. She stood in the doorway patiently waiting for the doctors to finish their tasks, asking me questions if this felt ok, or if I had any feeling in that. The concerned look on her muzzle never went away, however I knew I hurt her. I really didn't mean to, but at that moment I didn't know how to deal with the pain. Luna, of all ponies would understand exactly what I was going through.

The doctors concluded their tests, leaving me and Luna alone. An awkward silence filled the room, almost forcing myself to look at the floor.

"I'm...I'm so sorry Luna..."

My words caught her off guard, tilting her head in sympathy. Rather than responding to me, she simply walked up to my bedside, and wrapped me in her warm arms. She was a pony who was infamous at never showing emotion, notorious for her stone, cold facade but forgiving eyes. Here, I almost didn't recognize her. She was crying; sobbing at that. I wrapped my arms around here, the bandages entering my vision field for a second, already starting to haunt me.

Never again...

"Don't... ever.. do this again. Remember that I'm...*sniff* always here to help you, Jackson. You mean.... too mu..much to me.."

Silence filled the room once again, only accompanied by Luna's gentle sobbing. To see the Princess of the Night in such a state was, shocking to say the least. She was always the one who was emotionless, offering advice that was as cold as it was helpful, rarely showing any affection or love towards anyone but her sister. The hug seemed to last forever, and I have never felt safer than in that moment. I couldn't think of anything to say to her that seemed appropriate either, so silence was the only option.

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Signing my release papers, I half-smiled at the nurse, who took them from me, scanned them over and motioned me away. A feeling of relief washed over me, the warm summer dusk breeze washing through my hair, which badly needed a shower. In fact, I need desperately needed a shower; I smelt of hospital and shame.

Not the best combo if I say so.

A hint of a smile managed to creep onto my face again. I still had a lot of time left on my vacation in Canterlot, and even though this put a rather huge damper on things, I wasn't going to let it. Walking along the cobblestone streets was all the solace I needed right now, watching the sun set. Ponies eyed me every so often, throwing questionable glances at my arm, causing me to shield it. I was still ashamed of what I did, and I didn't want anypony outside of my friends to know. Not yet at least.

Coming to an intersection, I saw ponies of different colors and races happily mingle amongst each other, chatting the young evening away, oblivious to anything outside of their world. Returning my thoughts to the sidewalk in front of me, I went on to explore Canterlot in its entirety. I was curious, and no intent of spending the next few days cooped up, wallowing in my own self pity. No, not today. Pinkie Pie had taught me that. In the time that I had known her, she always found a way to make me smile. Always.

A certain pony caught my eye, making me almost double take over my right shoulder. That same pony, the one that was on the train was casually walking down the sidewalk with another that looked similar to her. Their pupils were slits instead of circles, which made me more curious. I used my peripheral vision to observe them more, seeing them scan over their shoulders, eyes locked onto me. Giggling, they trotted off, their destination unclear. I chuckled, a light smirk escaping my lips whilst I brushed my hair out of my eyes. To be fair, I hadn't the foggiest idea where I was going. I suppose I could wander over to the Coliseum where the Wonderbolts performed, down the main drag browsing vendors, or back to the castle to relax for the evening. The fact that I needed a desperate shower resurfaced in my mind, causing me to stop dead in my tracks.

I'm going to sound like Rarity, but I'm not strolling around in Canterlot like this.

I mentally smacked myself and turned around, making the right turn and heading back towards the castle, it's regality welcoming me back. I strode through the main entrance, its bright colors making me squint as I headed for the regal staircase, which ended in a t-bone. I took the left path, ascending another flight of stairs, ponies venturing here and there, dressed in formal wear, casually eyeing me, even exchanged waves hello and goodbye. Walking for a bit and taking a right turn, I walked up yet another set of stairs, which lead into the quarters. I walked down the now slightly less obnoxiously lighted hallway, my hands shoved in my pockets, I closed my eyes for a split second and smiled.

Oh well, I mused to myself.

I just hope she's happy.

I reached my room, and as I turned the key I paused once again before entering. I entered the room, a smile on my face, ready to restart.

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I shed my current clothes, reaching for the robe that the room had been restocked with, along with my toilet trolley and walked towards the shower. Opening the door, the hot, steamy air hit me like a sauna, as I continued to walk to find an open shower. Upon finding one, I shed my robe and stepped in, the hot water washing over my body, slowly melting away the pasts events. I pushed my head under the running faucet, my hair ran flat and wet, covering my eyes half way, making me push them away.

I reached for the soap, slathering it onto my body, the substance gooey and bubbling everywhere. It brought me peace finally being able to feel clean. Taking a minute to look down at my right arm, which I had taken the bandages off before I got in the shower, I could get a full look at the damage that I had done. Four cuts remained emblazoned on my forearm of different lengths.

The cuts that make the lines...

Arranged in beautiful designs...

Someone once told me that the scars we have tell the story of who we are: the more scars, the more interesting the story. If the scars heal and vanish, so does the story.

I put my hand on the wall of the slippery shower, still staring at the scars that I had carved into my arm, haunting reminders of past events and actions. I closed my eyes, and took a simple breath.

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"So, that's what they call it in your world?" Luna questioned, curious at learning more about life before Equestria. We had been discussing different holidays, and how they compared to Equestrian holidays. It's almost eerie how similar the two were.

"Yep, the height of summer is called the summer solstice. It's the longest and brightest day, much like here I've heard." Being in Equestria for two-ish years hadn't changed my personality I suppose, but it had definitely had an impact on my emotions.

Rewrapping right arm after my shower was, difficult to say the least. I struggled to apply the medical measures needed to assure that cuts would scar over properly. And Luna couldn't help but giggle like a filly at my struggles.

"Here, let me help you. You're starting to look foolish."

I blushed heavily as the lunar princess trotted over to me, gently setting a hoof on my arms, subtly hinting at me to let her take over. A tad miffed, I submitted, the alicorn carefully working to wrap the bandages around my arm, making sure they weren't too tight. I had to admit, her touch was incredibly delicate, almost motherly. She finished taking care of my arm with a hint of a blush appearing on her cheeks.

I had to admit, she was adorable.

For a moment that seemed to be outside of time, our eyes met, and I forgot how to breathe. Her eyes were spellbinding, leaving me speechless for a long time, sending her giggling, a huge blush on her muzzle as well.

"What are you giggling about, Luna?"

"AAHH! Your face! Sooo funny! You look like you died standing up!" She was hysterical, laughing on the floor like if someone was high on nitrous oxide back on Earth. She snorted once, a cute little snort, which finally won me over. I started laughing along with her, our laughter echoing through the halls of Canterlot's castle. Laying back on the couch, I put my hands behind my head and started at the ceiling, still chuckling.

I guess it's true that laugher heals all wounds.

Thanks Pinkie.

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