Ugh... I don't know... *Embarrassed blush* 11/7/14

Updated 11/7/14 8:30 PM:

Hey guys, I am Andre. I am a transsexual boy, not man yet. I am only 14, almost turning 15 next month on the 25th. But I personally believe that I turn 15 when the month starts. I can't wait to turn 15, I will be older and closer to starting horomones and gender therapy. Right now I really can't start it, because my mom disapproves it. She thinks it is disgusting. How do I know? Simple, yesterday:

Mom: Why don't you want makeup?

Me: I-I do... It is just that not for school, more like parties and going to casual places and grandmas...

Mom: Oh, that is fine! Just as long as you're not thinking like you use to.

Me: N-No, of course not... I am a girl. *Weak smile*

Mom: That is great, sweetie. Don't be like that it is disgusting and I need to go back to work now.

When she left I started thinking. I am disgusting to her... But I don't feel so bad. I was use to this kind of bull shit. Why? Because back in 2013 August, don't remember the day... I was first believed to be transgender. I don't know what the hell happened, but just suddenly it happened. I will add more information about this maybe later, this is really a big document. I indeed have documented before, and I sadly had to get rid of the papers cause of my ex-girlfriend Sarah. She was a bitch... There, I said it. I don't even know why I even dated her. It was funny, cause I had this really big crush on her back then.

But yeah, my mom was disappointed when she first heard about it. She was very sad and disgusted. She treated me badly, and never the same after that... Everytime I talked to her I can sense so much negativity and disappointment in her voice. It was like she secretly hated me, but was forced to love me and take care of me. I never understood why herself was like this...

I guess she didn't want me to go to hell, she is super religious. One of the reasons why I actually stopped myself from being this way. Well at least I tried to stop myself from being transgender/transsexual. One day they went away or something, and I was walking in my room. I was like, what the hell? Why am I wearing this? I am not a boy... I am gonna go to hell. Basically thinking like that, but... Well, After minutes that felt like hours of thinking like this I gave up on my dream. I had to let it go, I thought. I didn't want to go to hell... I for once thought I was gonna be happy. When I was clearly happy, but not as happy...

I had gone through so much, to get to where I wanted to be. I had a very slow and painful transition mentally and not so physically. I had finally gotten to T-shirts and super boy hair cut! My mind had been changing, it had been closer to accepting myself. My mind went through so much damn pain and dysphoria. The dysphoria I had that was major... My chest, I fucking hated my chest. Still do kinda. Well I would cry and get stressed when I could make it flat. Took me a while to find a way... Got super stressed and bad when someone asked me about me binding my chest. I always lied saying I had a binder, when I truly actually wore 3 sports bras. After a while got three spandex tank tops, wear them here and there.

I am feeling terrible while I am writing this... Like, I feel like something tight in my stomach is getting pulled out but it is stuck. My stomach feels like it is holding something heavy. Each time I sigh it kind of gets released but then grows back into a ball... I don't know what it is, but it feels like this while I write this fuckery out. This is hard for me... Really it is.

Last updated 11/7/14 at 8:50 PM.

Updated again on 4:24 PM

So... I feel bad. Like I really just wanna leave this place, called Grandma's house. I mean I am pretty damn miserable at my own home, but not as miserable as here. I remember last year back when my grandma had told me about my trans problem... It hurts being here... I wish I could be accepted and be in a place where I was completely comfty. No matter how much I will try to be happy, I will always feel damn bad in the inside. I can't explain why, but this house just makes me feel a bit bad.

I am thinking that this time and tomorrow, my stupid "Birthday Celebration" will be the last time I will be coming here. I feel sick, just like my dad has. I never understood why he never went outside, but now I do in some kind of way, in my own way... we're both sick, people like me just can't be let outside either. I feel like I ruin everyone's time, god damn it. If something bad kinda happens I just snap and go crazy. It has been getting worse, and I know I will end up loosing it really badly one of these days. Hell! Might even be tomorrow, god only knows.

So yeah, I don't wanna come by this house never again unless I have to. I don't give a damn fuck who the hell is here, I never wanna come back. I know I will sometimes, but not really. At least whenever I can't come. I will finally be at peace when that happens. Still sad, but finally better.

I feel so damn sad sitting here, I just wanna be home and think. I wanna cry. Again. You see, I store so many bad feelings inside myself and when something badish or something that makes me feel uncomfty, I just wanna loose it. When I am at home this barely happens, because at least I can prevent shit from happening. I know I am not ready to cry everything out...

I am a new man of 2015, not the same man of 2014.

And this year I will be fucking happy to the best of my abilty! I hope...

So yeah, I am gonna stop here till another day.

• Andre at 4:38