I'm Transgender... Documentation Biography

Update 11/7/14 8:52 PM: I really actually don't even know... I am myself completely confused.

When I look at the mirror I just see two balls, and play with them. Their pretty damn soft, I noticed that they got bigger for some reason when I went back to being trans. I want to be so upset over this, but I have no emotions right now... For days now... I want this to stop, and have my damn emotions back so I can figure shit out. But I feel like I can't even figure anything out like this... I wanna give it time I really do.

Have you ever lost your emotions? Well, I loose them a lot more than usual when I am this way. I mean, I of course laugh and smile and all that shit... But at the end of the day, I am sad as hell or nothing at all. I just don't know... I am literally wishing to get my dysphoria horrible so I can get that surgery... I am scared out of my fucking mind about the therapist. I mean what if he/she rejects to write me a letter? What if I go to the therapist for years!? And never get that fucking letter!. Please, I just dont know...

I already feel like I won't get those horomones, cause they could either tell me I am gender-fluid or a stupid crossdresser or even a fucking human with no gender/sex! I don't wanna be considered as neither of those... I just want this shit over with, I just want to get the surgeries when I can. I have no idea how I am gonna get enough money though... My only fear I guess well many too, sex change reassignment surgery is a big deal!

I will be changing my genitals, this is big. Don't mind my chest, don't really give a fuck. Flat chest, cool bro. Feels weird having round lumps on my chest area, the hell is this shit? Penis, yeah why not bro. I want to fuck lots of chicks afterwards. I am a horny boy, and let me have them sexy erections... I want to get the metaplasty or however you spell it and the phalloplasty. And get rid of this uterus if that possible, and get some balls. The biggest balls in the world. Okay, well really big... I already decided, take skin off my legs doc. Just get this shit over with.

I had a sexual day dream. Some guy named Ronnie, well I imagened him on top of me while I lay on my stomach with my dicks flapping around the whole place with his. Then it flashed to me groping sime chicks boobies... And having my dick stuck in her anus, oh it is turning me on while I think about it! Man I would have the biggest boner if I could. Once I get on hormones if I do I hope, I so will learn to masturbate the good way, and pleasure myself.

I mean I might play with myself, but I never actually enjoy it... I never felt senseation unless I get on top of the blanket and fucking hump it hard with sexy porn images in my head of boobies and sex! All that, it is so hot. But when I try to fingure myself it like... Well feels like nothing, and so does massaging my man boobs and dont get me started with the clit. No senseation unless am humping something which I see my guy form doing i am my guy form... And they say shit like i would be able to pleasure a girl better cause I was once one! BITCH OLEASE I WAS A ALWAYS A BOY AND I NEVER KNEW HOW TO PLEASURE THESE LADY PARTS! BOOBIES! I blame porn, I love porn and sex and boobies!

Oh my bottoms are getting hot again, I wanna hump something...

Last feeling: Big ball stuck in my stomach wanting to jump out but when I sigh it goes for a few seconds but grows bigger... I wanna get it  out but I can't update yall later with my perviness.

• Last updated 9:13 PM as of 11/7/14

Updated 8:53 PM on January 4th of 2015

So i haven't really updated my dysphoria issues yet really. Well. Let me just start off by saying that i had some damn sex idea issues! -.-

I was in the bus when this first really entered my head. Sex. How was i gonna have sex? Will i feel any sensation down there? Well i started getting these really horny feelings about sex and me having some sex. I felt so damn bad about myself when i imagned myself fucking my girlfriend I believe.

I would get these little sex images of me with a big penis fucking the brains out of girls. I felt really sad and bad about it every time after, because I don't have a penis right now! I cant exactly remember my feelings that clear but i felt pretty terrible about it. But as time kept going i kept imaging more sex.

On yahoo answers i usually fucking look up sexual FtM information. Cause I get that fucking curious. I just really now got actually worried about my surgery in the future. Like, i don't know i feel so confused on which to pick. I want a good procedure done on me. I am actually thinkiing of going with the Meta, which i never in my wildest dreams thought i would go with. I am indeed planning to add balls and close my vagina opening and get the full meta. Hell no like i will have a vagina opening!

I don't really know how to handle with this issues. I really haven't broke down crying cause of my vagina. My boobs yes. I really don't know what to think when i see them. Other than I am confused as fuck why this shit is on me. I really just wish my feelings were more clear to me. But i know i am pretty damn uncomfatarble with them. And the sex... That shit gets to me the most on my dysphoria issues. Worst fewlings ever.

One thing i have noticed though, i dont look at heterosexual porn. If i do i feel so damn bad and uncomfatarble with my damn self. What i noticed is that i usually avoid looking at porn unless it is lesbian porn. That shit turns me on. And i noticed when i thought i was a cisgender women that i mostly wrote lesbian stories... Hmm? Only one was straight and that was a self insert. I felt extremely weird writing it the whole time.

I prefer writing shit about lesbians. And looking at lesbian sex porn art. Holy shit those boobs those... So turned on. It is weird, but i try to stay away from heroesexual porn story or picture cause of my feelings. They trigger my dysporhia is all that i noticed. Like for example a picture that isn't self insert or straight porn makes me so damn jealous and horrible feeling.

If it is self insert turns me on for some reason. Can't explain why but still feel really bad. And i am starting to feel horrible that i dont have a penis and i really really want one.

Well wanna stop updating till later

Update this shit late -Andre 9:13 PM

Feeling: Horrible fireball feelings that is realeased but grows back tightly fphorrible annoying feelings... :/

7:04 PM Feb 8th

Tears rolling down and boogers as well. My forehead hurts and now I can't really feel any feelings anymore.... My dysphoria has increased, truly. Not because I wanted it to, but because it did!

I was just looking up transsexual topics and sex strap-ons. I felt uncomfty and bad when it started talking about double sided shit where I will feel penetration too! Which isn't what I want! I want my sex to feel like a biological man! My heart is hurting...

I scratched myself on the forehead and legs, and starting kicking and punching my matress while crying out desperately. I felt so horrible without my penis! I know I am more dysphoric than this... but I am pushing back my feelings. I really am starting to get crazy and dysphoric with my bottoms and sex talk!

Whenever I hear sex tops I try to not say a word. Lately it is starting to make me feel terrible. I am just gonna end it here now... till my dysphoria comes cause there is more that I don't wanna spill out just yet  :/

6:09 PM

2:45 PM

Dysphoira is sucking ass at the moment. My girl is now making jokes about my penis size and how tight I am. I just don't fucking want to here it no more! And when she talks about fucking, I just get sexy imaginations. But the truth is I am afraid to have sex! I literally imagine all the time about fucking a bitch. Then realize I have NO penis!

I also started packing a few days back. My first official week packing as well. Thinking of buying a packer to at least see how my penis will feel like and look like. Shit I feel bad as I type this shit in. I want a penis! I don't like the idea of not having one... fuck, I am getting a headache as I think about this. It is truly annoying.

But yeah, started packing lately. And remember how I dreamed about the flat chest surgery after good results? I dreamed about having my penis which I will describe in my dreams next. That and my friend just got his first binder. His chest looked the same when he was doing crappy binding.

Anyways now I check to see if I look completely flat. I worry when I don't. But lately haven't been worrying so much cause of my binder. But I still feel bad when I see something is there. And this shit is completely hard to get off. And washing it is hard as well. I think I will just wash it next week. Don't feel like washing it this week. But yeah, all most two years of binding. And almost a week of packing.

Look at how fucked up that is. I BARELY even packed till now! But I will tell you this, glad I waited. The packing now feels SO much better! I cut up some peach underwear and go like a waist band thing. Filled up raimaing parts into a sock and shaped it out like a penis. I just need the balls next to complete myself.

Now I think about my penis 24/7! I go to sleep with it to! I don't ever take it off unless I am taking a shower! I just have problems with standing up peeing. It feels really awkward when I pee standing up. But at the same kinda happy I can. Shit, I want my penis. But one thing that makes me feel better is when "unfold" myself and find a starting to grow penis. It makes me feel actually better most of the time when I see it.

That and when I think about the time where I DO NOT pack, it feels weird to think about. Like how could I ever be okay without packing?! How could I happily walk around without something between my legs! This penis will slowly change me. I know it will, fuck. I am actually now gonna practice fucking with it.

My dysphoria gets mostly triggered by sexual conversations and thoughts. Like how I can't fuck anyone for a long time. Let me tell you this fucked up experience that happened on Thursday: I was thinking about loosing my virginity to a prostitute. So I thought before I go to Canada I can fuck them in New Braunfels. And I realized that I wouldn't have the surgeries by then! It felt so bad when I realized that. But so good when I thought I could. Ever since I got this packer I just think I have a REAL penis on me.

Fuck, I gotta wait. And you know I am choosing to get the phalloplastly dick when I get older. I know surgeries will be better then, or grow my own dick. Well, that is it I believe on dysphoria.

2:59 PM