I'm Transgender... Documentation Biography

January 1st 2015 at 2:45 PM

Hey... so I don't remember the last time I updated this thing, wait wasn't it last week...? Okay, well. I am here to update this crap thing. Hopefully nobody catches me updating this crap, because everyone in this damn family hates me transgender ass. (At least when I am like this, and not faking how they want me to fucking be!)

So yeah, well yesterday was terrible. I-I don't know, I really don't know why I myself went into a dark mood. You see, we were celebrating. Like when I got to the party everyone greeted me you know... like how they greet everyone. I got a few hugs and handshakes. It was a OK greeting. I really didn't even expect to be noticed since I am never really noticed, unless I am being my plain old transgender fucking self. Which for some reason catches lots of grownups attention. I don't blame them, if I was a cisgender man and saw a young transman like myself I would find that a bit weird, and be pretty damn concerned about that child.

But yeah, everyone greeted me. I was having a good time for the first few 30 minutes really. Like I was just talking and being myself... expect for the dressing, god damn it was weird as fuck. Then suddenly everyone has to shut up for a while to do some New Years cheesy shit. Me and my cousin laugh for some stupid ass parts... but, I see people crying and sad faces and even smiles. It confused the fuck out of me, and made me feel concerned. But as a damn stupid idiot I do nothing! God damn, this pisses me off because I want to be a gentlemen to the best of my abilty not a bitch who doesn't give one damn fuck about anybody or anything.

Anyways after that shit is over cousins go upstairs. I didn't go upstairs for the first part, because I did not feel like breaking the damn rules for a new year right away. (Sure as hell gonna break a lot this year! That is fo sure, don't even act like it won't be happening, cause as said got nothing to loose at this point in time!) So yeah, my aunt or whatever offers me some food... I say yes, cause I was a bit hungry. So I go to the table to get my food, but then she brings a chair and is all like:

"Chica, sit down sit down"

me: I am fine... really. I like standing-

"No, no sit down please."

Me: [sits down] OK...

"Here have a coffee, chica!"

Me: Thanks...

and then I eat. I felt so damn uncomfatarble when that happened. Cause there were men and a boy about my age there. I felt so damn bad cause I was supposed to be one of the guys, not with the guys! Yeah so then the men that are my uncles give me some small talk. Oh dear lord... those she and girl pronouns shit is what really throws my mood off, especially when I wanna have a good time. But at the same time I can't do shit about it to keep my mom calm. And not start a shit of a damn scene.

So yeah, after small talk I eat faster to get the hell out of there faster. After that go to the couch with a new soda, cause I did not give one fucking shit about anything not even if I would get fatter. Fuck my life... anyways my other auntie comes and my mom too, and they both tell me I can go upstairs.

I go upstairs really slowly, I couldn't explain it, but when I went upstairs and felt a horrible damn feeling in my whole body, but not like sick kinda feeling. Anyways I go upstairs and try my best to feel good. I find everyone coloring and drawing, damn it! I sit down for a minute and dare not say a word. After that I feel like fucking crying...

I then fucking stand my ass up, and go to the restroom. They ask me what the hell I was doing, and I just respond with I am need to be alone. And one says I am gonna get in trouble the other says who cares. I would normally get pissed off at comments, but I didn't cause I needed this!

So I lock myself up in the restroom and just fucking cry my heart out! I scratch the walls and bang my head against the walls and whimper and sob. It was hell, I cried mostly about how I was a fucking pussy not to tell my friends about this. And how I would always be damn mistakned for a damn chick! And how I will never figure things out, it was just so much terrible transgender social problems that got to me. But the one thing that I mostly remember crying about is that I at a party with people who see me as a she... that is what really got me thinking. That these people see and think of me as a she.

I then stop crying they call out my name I don't respond, cause I wanted to stay there longer and think and cry some more to get all these negative shit out of my system for the time being. They keep calling, then my fucking mom comes up and I have to get out... She is all telling me that she brought me to be happy, and in my head I am just like, "Yeah, bull shit. If that were the case you would let me be me"

Auntie asks what is wrong with me, and I say nothing, I don't wanna talk about it. Because this is a subject not appropiate for a party. I couldn't tell them. My mom tried to get me to home early, but I said no, because I wanted her to be the one to have a good and long time at the party. She didn't deserve my shit not on her day off at a party.

So after that I draw after she leaves... and that drawing was a chick sad. I go home then and fall asleep and have a dream. Which I should probably put for my dysphoria later tonight or today. But, yeah. Right now I am at grandmas feeling like shit still while typing this up in the restroom.

Yeah, a sucky new years celbration bitch for me. Started off 2015 with my shit. And now tomorrow I am gonna have a pre birthday celebration. Oh this is something that will really make me feel bad... better go now update this later bye. ):

• Andre 3:11 PM