How the HaS Old Guard Saved Santa and Ruined ISIS' Ebolamas Plot to Steal Crimea and Shoot Up Minorities - brought to you by: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Fars News Network, UNICEF, the Church of Mormon, and the Humans Are Superior Group

T’was the night before Jesusmas eve, and all through the HAS Detroit Clubhouse not a creature was stirring, except Classy who was drawing up battle plans for his genocidal campaign against the Chinese. Toy tanks were placed around a map of Beijing with care, with hopes that mass graves soon would be there.

When suddenly from the back room there arose a clatter… fuck following the poem. “Bitch I’m not a weab-fag, I actually know how to use this thing!” Classy said as he grabbed the katana he had on his desk and crept towards the back room. In the backroom he found the source of the sound, a bearded man in black was purposely tangling up the clubhouse’s extra Christmas lights. “Wow… you’re a dick.” He said.

The man rounded on him, whipped out an RPG-7, and fired, “Allahu Akbar!” The RPG’s fins didn’t open, and the rocket flew around the room before hitting the ceiling, causing a large chunk of ceiling to fall upon the intruder.

“Huh… well that happened.” Classy said, then returned to his plotting desk.

“You’re kidding me!” RedShirt exclaimed, “a jihadist broke into our clubhouse just to tangle up our excess Christmas lights?”

“Yeah it’s kind of retarded…” Classy said.

“Seal, call Grey.” Red ordered.

“Why me?” Seal asked.

“Because Grey hates me.” Red replied.

Seal mumbled something about Scandinavians and pulled out his Blackberry, “Grey, faggot, how the fuck did an ISIS Kebab get to Detroit? You navy goyim are supposed to be stopping them!”

“How the fuck are you calling me ON deployment?!” Grey screamed. “And about that… the US Navy kinda… defected…”

“All of it?” Seal asked.

“Yes. Shit someone is coming.” Grey said, “Allahu Akbar, and Takbir, and bombs and yardis slaves and such, away, away, away down in dar-fal-al-Dixie!”

“So what are you going to do?” Seal asked.

Grey was silent for sometime, “To be honest, I’ll probably do something to get myself killed… Hey! That way I won’t have to hear about RedXPat™ ever again!”

“Have fun with that?” Seal answered.

“Bye, I’m going to go take on an entire frigate’s worth of Jihadists with just a spoon!” Grey said and then hung up.

“Classy! I said I wanted those invasion plans by this morning!” 2D bellowed as he kicked down the door.

“Fuck off we’re busy!” Classy screamed back.

“Fine! I’ll just fly all the way back to the European clubhouse and tell the Commissar that you’re too busy to do as told!” 2D exploded.

“The Commissar is a massive faggot!” Classy said. “Ok, now let’s get going before more thugs show up from ISIL/ISIS/IS/ The Caliphate or whatever the fuck it calls itself these days!”

“Wait!” Tux exclaimed, “It’s Mormonmas, so we need more red and green.” He said, then grabbed Terran (who was rereading the manifesto) and Kelly (who was smoking a pan flute of blunts). “Now we can go.”

The group gathered into Paddle Steamer’s Austin Mini (Paddle Steamer himself was in the trunk masturbating to a picture of Octavia dressed as a fish) and drove off towards the Detroit-Windsor border (because Canada vowed that any ISIS attack on Canada would be “met with trenches”). As they drove they listened to the radio “A representative of the Islamic State has come forward to deliver the following message:

My fellow Amorikhans I, President Barack Husain Obama, would like to announce today that the glorious Caliphate has captured dar-fal-al-North Pole and has taken Santa hostage under charges of ‘Being a Christian Saint’ From now on the ISIS will be delivering presents.

And there you have it folks, isn’t our president just the greatest!”

“Fuck this shit, I don’t want another Quran for Chistmas!” Kelly (the driver) said. “To the north pole!” He exclaimed and hit a button that released the parachute and turned on the desk fan mounted to the roof of the car, filling the parachute with air, causing the vehicle to fly (and causing Red to froth at the mouth as he screamed scientifically). He then turned on the radio and everyone started head bopping.

Will the Commissar ever realize that Celestia is unattractive? Will Ranger ever loose his virginity? Will 2D vanquish the dark lord Distorted Flare in a rap battle? Will the Ebola-ing happen? Will Chrome actually name his kid John Hood Chrome? Find out next time!