How the HaS Old Guard Saved Santa and Ruined ISIS' Ebolamas Plot to Steal Crimea and Shoot Up Minorities - brought to you by: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Fars News Network, UNICEF, the Church of Mormon, and the Humans Are Superior Group

2D kicked in the door of the has Sarajevo Clubhouse so hard that the door flew off its hinges and killed Distorted Flare (no they will not be having a rap battle) “Alexer! Faggot! Get your ass here now!” He bellowed.

“No! I gib anal to prostitute I dress like Celestia!” Alexer shouted back. (no he will not be realizing that Celestia is unattractive)

“Following his annexation of Crimea, victory in the George Brown case, conquest of the entire Levant, and victory over Santa, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has been elected Times person of the year!” The radio announcer said just as Classy turned the radio off and shoved in his own mixed tape.

Then, as the familiar tune of Rome Total War’s ‘Warrior March’ started to play, he climbed out onto the hood of the flying car pointed his Katana forward and dramatically announced, “With Jeff Van Dyck as my witness we will save Christmas!”

“Get the fuck off the hood douche bag!” Kelly shouted at him.

John Hood, King of the Crusader State of Gaza, turned around to see Handyman, Marshal of the Hospitallers, rush in, “Grave news my lord! The infidels have captured St. Nickolas!”

John Hood shook with anger, “Santa was going to get me a Roseluck Plushie! I DECLARE A CRUSADE!” At his word a hundred thousand soccer fans armed with AKMs marched off towards ar-Raqqa.

Off the coast of Florida, Florida M Jenkins was fishing in his boat and contemplating where he would strike next when suddenly a hammerhead shark that was at least 22 feet long appeared off his bow. “OLD HITLER!” Florida M screamed as he recognized his arch nemesis.

Classy was still standing on the hood in the middle of a blinding Canadian snowstorm when he felt the car land. “Kelly I know this isn’t the fucking North Pole! Why the fuck are we stopping?!”

“Cause Timmy breaks!” Seal shouted as he lead the group through the storm to the shelter of a near by Tim Hortons.

Will Omar Pasha return from the dead? Will Redemption ever succeed in reclaiming his status as “lead socialist in HAS”? Will feminists ever stop talking about their own vaginas? Find out tomorrow!