How the HaS Old Guard Saved Santa and Ruined ISIS' Ebolamas Plot to Steal Crimea and Shoot Up Minorities - brought to you by: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Fars News Network, UNICEF, the Church of Mormon, and the Humans Are Superior Group

The somethingth day of HaSmas

Classy picked up his cellphone “What the fuck do you want?”

“So… Me and Alexer had a fight.” 2D replied.

“And?” Classy asked in an annoyed manner.

“I formed a breakoff group Called Humans are Magnificent, or HaM for short.”

Classy abruptly opened the door of the flying car, hopped out and plunged to his death.

“Admin called it!” Kelly exclaimed.

Meanwhile in northern Germany:

A army of 20 thousand Swedish ISIS fighters marched into a town. “Excellent now we can collect welfare and rape women!” One of them exclaimed.

“That would be true if this was West Germany…” The man at the head of the column said.

“WHAT?!” the nearest jihadist exclaimed.

“I tricked you with a map that had a reversed compass rose. You thought you were taking directions from Mohammed Abdul,” the man ripped off his islamic garb to reveal a generic western engineer, “BUT IT WAS I WLAM!”

At that moment skin heads emerged from the ally way bent on showing these newcomers some Eastern Hospitality.

“Are we there yet?” Seal asked.

“Fuck off.” Kelly replied.

“Are you sure?” Seal asked.

“I’m certain you’re a faggot.” Kelly replied.

“Some one said my name?” Glowcloud the genie said as he appeared out of the radiator.

“Who the fuck are you?” Kelly asked.

“Well I dropped out of high school to become a professional MRA, and my choices were living in the engine, or living with my furry boyfriend.” Glow answered.

“So Classy has been replaced with a gay version of Kabar… Meh we could do worse.”

At that moment Red noticed that Paddlesteamer was crying. “What’s wrong brother?” (the MURIKHAN had yet to completely leave his system)

“I don’t know if I like Octavia or Curie more…” Paddle said, and when he saw that Red didn’t care he elaborated, “IT’S TEARING ME APART MORE THAN SEAL’S GRAMMAR!”

“Wait wait wait!” Kelly announced. “Holy shit we finally found it! We found Santa’s workshop!”

They then 9/11’d that bitch.

“Aw yeah we’re here to kill terries and get Santa to fund my lab!” Red said as he emerged from the REKTage, only to disappointedly sigh at the sight of half of Abu Bakr’s face stuck in the grill of the car. “Aw… I wanted to cap him.”

“You’re here to save me?” Santa asked. “You know they’ve had me for a year.”

“Yeah there were delays…” Kelly said.

“How the fuck did we end up in South Africa that one time?” Paddle asked quietly from the fettle position.

“Well late’s better than never… One Christmas wish for you guys, go!” Santa said after they cut him free of his bonds.

“For those damn metafics to update!” The group exclaimed.

“Let it be so-HO-HO-HO!” Santa said and hoped in his sleigh to make deliveries (a full year late).

Seal then got a call on his cell, “Ello?”

“Yo, it’s Grey.”

“Did you kill any sand people?” Seal asked excitedly.

“No. I was shot and killed literally the second I hung up last time.” Grey replied angrily.

“Ok… so how are you calling.” Seal asked.

“Hell is full of lawyers and cable companies… It’s actually pretty nice here now, we have decent wifi and cell reception, at a cost, and excellent civil rights.” Grey replied, “Hey Classy and Florida are here as well, put this shit on speakerphone.”

“Ok!” Seal said and put phone on speaker. “Wow it’s so great to spend Christmas with my HaMily.”

As they gathered around Seal’s cell to chat with their deceased HaSsian friends one of the surviving ISIS fighters sprayed them down with his AK.

They all died.