Randomness

Part 2-C

+++++

In Whitetail Wood…

Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie Pie are walking through Whitetail Wood; Spike is with them too, but he’s riding on Twilight’s back. Normally the walks in this forest would be pleasant, but with ponies disappearing and mysterious scratches appearing on the trees, the walk has become anything but pleasant. The group is searching for the missing ponies, but they haven’t had much luck.

“What if there zombies in the forest?” asks Spike fretfully while biting his nails

“Spike, don’t be ridiculous, there is no such thing as zombies” says Twilight

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that, dear,” says Rarity anxiously “Zecora said that in her homeland zebras perform rituals that can raise the dead”

“That’s nothing but superstition. It’s not possible”

“Just like my Pinkie Senses” teases Pinkie Pie

Twilight opens her mouth to agree with Pinkie Pie’s statement, but closes it when she realizes that the pink pony was making fun of her. Pinkie Pie giggles and bounces around Twilight and Spike.

“Don’t feel bad, Twilight, it’s okay to forget that there are endless impossibilities” laughs Pinkie Pie

“What does that even mean?” asks Spike while scratching his head

“She’s talking about the impossible being possible” grumbles Twilight

“Speaking of impossible being possible, do you think it’s possible that the spies in the forest know that we know that they are following us?” says Pinkie Pie

“Wait, we’re being followed?” asks Rarity nervously as her eyes dart between the trees

“Of course we are, silly. Ooh, there’s one!”

Pinkie Pie jumps towards what appears to be nothing but air…and lands on her face. She scrambles to her hooves and chases her invisible target through the trees with extreme vigilance.

“That’s not how Hide-And-Seek works, cheater!” yells Pinkie Pie

“Pinkie Pie, who are you chasing” demands Twilight

Pinkie Pie tackles nothing but air again, and when she looks up dry leaves are stuck in her mane and she’s clearly trying to fight her annoyance.

“I’m trying to catch the unicorn! But she’s breaking the rules of Hide-And-Seek!” whines Pinkie Pie

Suddenly, there is a flash of light and a green unicorn mare with a yellow mane and a cutie mark of a cloak over pony (half of it is dotted to show the pony disappearing), wearing a suit, lands in front of Pinkie Pie with a grunt.

“There, happy now” says a stallion with a gruff voice

Pinkie Pie giggles and pokes the unicorn’s nose with her hoof.

“Tag, you’re it!” laugh Pinkie Pie childishly

The unicorn rolls her eyes, stands up, and shakes the leaves off. A stallion unicorn almost as big and muscular as Big Mac, with a gray coat and a tan mane and tail with a cutie mark of a key over an eye, approaches Twilight’s group.

“You shouldn’t be here, this area is quarantined” says the stallion sternly

Twilight steps forward and puts her hoof to her chest.

“My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I’m terribly sorry to have gotten in your way, but we have work to do here” says Twilight politely

“As do I” says the stallion

“But our work is important”

“As is mine”

“As a student of Princess Celestia, I-”

“Don’t give a shit”

Twilight gasps at the shock of someone swearing at her. Rarity is also shocked by this, and even Pinkie Pie’s jaw drops, but Spike covers his mouth, giggles and says “Cool”.

“That wasn’t very nice. You should apologize, Mr. Meanie” says Pinkie Pie

“The name is Agent Lock N. Key” says the stallion

“Ooh, like a secret agent?”

“I’m an Agent of Sector Fifty Two, this area is quarantined and you ladies are to return to your homes immediately lest you want to face charges”

There is a pregnant silence that is only broken by Pinkie Pie’s loose lips.

“That doesn’t sound like fun” pouts Pinkie Pie

“Ladies, I’ll handle this” says Rarity confidently

Rarity adjusts her mane and then approaches Lock N. Key in a way that makes even the most reserved of stallions drool; but his hormones are not influenced by the mare’s actions in the slightest sense. All he does is arch his eyebrow at Rarity’s antics.

“I say, you look like a strong, noble stallion,” coos Rarity suggestively while pacing around him to inspect his figure “can you please be a dear and let me and my friends continue our work and I can make it up to you with, let’s say, a dinner and a show”

“I’m gay” says Lock N. Key bluntly

“How about just a dinner”

“I am gay”

“A walk in the park?”

“I. Am. Gay”

“But-”

“I am not interested in your gender. Now get away from me, my coltfriend doesn’t like the scent of mares”

Rarity sulks in defeat back to Twilight while mumbling “Since when are stallions gay”. Twilight steps forward to give Lock N. Key a piece of her mind.

“Agent, we have direct connections with Princess Celestia-” states Twilight

“Good for you” interrupts Lock N. Key

“And that puts us in a higher spot than you-”

“No it doesn’t”

“And we…what do you mean ‘No it doesn’t’?”

“Rosewell Protocol is in effect and that means this whole area, including Ponyville, is under complete control of the state until further notice. Only official status is permitted for influence, not personal relations with royalty. If you want an escort out, that can easily be arranged, but that is as far as my generosity goes”

The group remains silent, and they watch more ponies in suits walk out of cover and surround them. Twilight sighs heavily and nods towards her friends.

“Let’s go, girls” says Twilight grumpily

Pinkie Pie and Rarity silently follow Twilight, and Spike decides it’s best to keep his mouth shut. When Twilight is next to Lock N. Key, she glares at him for a moment before continuing her walk out of the forest.

+++++

Somewhere Near Ponyville…

E Gadd is gliding peacefully through the white fluffy clouds. He loves every moment of this; the air is pure, the clouds are refreshing, the birds swirl and sing around him, and he can see just about everything. If his ship hadn’t exploded then it would be a perfect day.

“I believe I can flyyyyy. I believe I can touch the skyyyyy. I think about it night and dayyyyy. Something and something door something. I believe I can flyyyyyieieie!” sings E Gadd casually (although his singing sounds like a horrible screeching)

After passing through a fluffy cloud, Ponyville comes into view. E Gadd squeals like a little girl and kicks his feet excitedly.

“Hah, I made it! I made it to Ponyville!” laughs E Gadd

E Gadd pulls out a notebook and pen from his pocket and flips it over to a check list.

*Convince the Mario and Dude Brothers to come to Equestria: X (NOTE: Mario did not come. Lower his number down to ‘9’ on Speed Dial)

*Travel to Equestria: X (NOTE: Ship exploded for no apparent reason. No way back for now / NOTE: ‘No way back for now’ is no big deal for now)

*Find Ponyville:

*Meet up with Pinkie Pie:

E Gadd puts an ‘X’ next to ‘*Find Ponyville’ and puts the notebook and pen back into his pocket. He scouts the land for a good landing spot and finds a nice, secluded spot in a park. The spot he chose has plenty of shrubbery and it looks like hardly anyone visits that part. When he lands he makes sure to lock the seat’s controls and to have all of his stuff gathered. The first thing he grabs is his communicator, which he clips to his belt and then he puts his gear on the seat and searches through it to find a map. But while he’s searching through his gear he accidently pushes a button that causes the chair to vibrate uncontrollably and roll itself into a ball, destroying everything in the process. E Gadd stares at the jumbled mess that was once his ejection seat for a few seconds before he falls to the ground laughing.

“Oh my God! I completely forgot about the feature!” laughs E Gadd

E Gadd continues laughing like an idiot, but when it dawns on him that most of his stuff was on that seat he stops laughing and frowns.

“Well crap,” pouts E Gadd “all my jerky was in there”

He sighs heavily and runs his fingers through what little hair he has and looks around for anyplace he can hide his ejection seat. When he spots a humongous bush he grins and cracks his knuckles and neck. It was more painful than he remembered and ends up tenderly rubbing his knuckles and neck.

“Ow. Note to self, I’m too old to crack myself”

E Gadd drags what’s left of his ejection seat into a bush as quickly and quietly as he can (albeit with a lot of struggle) and then he throws more shrubbery over it. When he’s satisfied with the cheap camouflage he gave his ejection seat he sneaks into town. Before arriving on Equestria, he told himself he would walk into Ponyville like he belonged there and say “I come in peace” using a megaphone; but after seeing some stern ponies in suits and sunglasses walking around he thought better against it. They reminded him of government agents, and he’s seen enough movies to know that government agents are not the nicest bunch on the block. Plus, he lost his megaphone when the ejection seat rolled itself into oblivion.

“Oldie Snake, you’re primary objective is to find your contact, codenamed ‘Party Animal’” whispers E Gadd to himself

E Gadd’s eyes dart side to side and then he does a swan dive to the ground and army crawls behind an abandoned fruit cart and searches for an opening in the agent’s patrol routes. While he’s waiting for an opening he plays the Mission Impossible theme in his head.

“Roger that, Octagon” replies E Gadd in his one-sided conversation

E Gadd spots an opening to an alley and he wastes no time to run to it and slide behind a random dumpster. After securing his hiding spot by the dumpster, he crouches down and waits for another opening. When a couple of ponies in suits walk past him he pushes himself against the wall and waits for them to be out of sight; there is no need to start a scuffle with these very mean looking ponies after all. When the ponies are out of sight he pulls out his communicator and tries to call Luigi and the Dude Brothers.

“Little Chicks, this is Papa Bird, do you read? Over” says E Gadd quietly

All he gets is static.

“Yellow Turnip, do you read? Over”

More static.

“Blueberry Muffin, do you read? Over”

Again, more static.

“Green Bean McStocky Pants, do you read? Over”

He doesn’t even get even static for this one. E Gadd sighs, shuts off his communicator, and then he puts it away and rubs his hands together and scans the area.

“Okay, E Gadd, you are alone on a peaceful world. Your friends are not answering your calls and you have some idea where you are, but not entirely sure. Where do you go?...Where do you go?...Where…do…you…go?”

E Gadd spots a large, healthy tree with windows and a balcony built into it that has a sign out front with a book and “Library” engraved in it. He grins from ear to ear and puffs out his chest proudly.

“Looks like I’m going to be going to the LIBRARY!” says E Gadd louder than necessary; he quickly shrinks down after that and covers his mouth

“Did you hear something?” asks a pony

“I heard your mom! Oooh burn!” retorts another pony

E Gadd shrinks farther down and waits for the ponies to pass.

“My mother is dead, you mule!” sobs the first pony

“What? Oh…oh! Hey, I’m-I’m sorry” stammers the second pony

“We aren’t friends anymore!”

E Gadd hears the ponies gallop away (one of them is sobbing hysterically and the other trying to comfort him) and he pokes his head out to make sure all is clear. After seeing that the coast is clear, save for a couple of earth ponies in suits that walk into a flower shop, he stuffs his hands in his pockets and strolls to the library while whistling casually. There really is no other route to take, since the library is out in the open with no cover whatsoever near it. And E Gadd reasons that if he was going to be caught by these agents, he wants to put on a good first impression. Once he reaches the library he checks the hours of operation and sees that he has plenty of time so he waltzes in carefree.

“Good morning fellow biological creature my name is Professor Elvin Gadd and I come in peace” says E Gadd in Equestrian

Silence…dead silence.

E Gadd looks around the library for any sign of life, but all he finds is a sleeping owl on a perch. And oddly enough, to E Gadd, the owl looks like it was guarding an umbrella hat before it fell asleep. E Gadd is about to inspect the hat, but notices a set of stairs going up towards a room. Or is it an office? He shrugs and walks up the stairs and repeats “Good morning fellow biological creature my name is Professor Elvin Gadd and I come in peace”.

Once again, E Gadd is met with silence, and he quickly figures out that he did not step into a regular room or office, but a bedroom; a really, really clean and organized bedroom. He spots a framed photo of a group of ponies, he’s certain that it is Pinkie Pie’s group of friends since she posted a similar photo on her Facebook page, but before he can do a closer inspection he spots a globe resting on a nightstand. Any urge to inspect the photo flies clean out the window at that point and he shamelessly skips towards it.

“Bingo!” cheers E Gadd

E Gadd spins the globe around and stops it when he’s certain he’s over the general area of where he crashed. He finds that the globe is well detailed and topographical, but it doesn’t have the location of any settlements. E Gadd is quick to figure out that the nightstand has drawers, and when he pulls the drawers out he finds just what he was looking for; political and regional maps. He knows he’s in Ponyville, so it makes narrowing down which maps he needs a whole lot easier. As he reads the maps he notices that they come with fun facts about population, vegetation, and ceremonies.

“I wish we had a Winter Wrap Up” sighs E Gadd dreamily

Then he hears the front door open and slam shut, and three sets of hooves walk in. He stops reading the map and peaks out of the bedroom and sees three ponies and a baby dragon. The first pony is in the front, she is a unicorn that has a pale purple coat, a dark blue mane and tail that has streams of violet and a rose color, and purple eyes; she also has stars surrounding a bigger star on her flank. He knows that one is Twilight. Riding on her back is a baby dragon with purple scales and green spines with green eyes (E Gadd is sure that it’s Spike); he’s practically drooling at the sight of the second pony, which is also a unicorn. The second unicorn has a marshmallow colored coat, a curly indigo mane, azure eyes, and three diamonds on her flank. He’s guessing that it’s Rarity. Unlike the other two ponies, the third pony is a regular pink pony with a cotton candy like mane and tail (darker pink shade) with three balloons on her flank, and she had light blue eyes. The pony is also bouncing in the room in ways that defy the laws of physics. E Gadd instantly recognizes her as Pinkie Pie. E Gadd holds back his giggling and slides into cover.

“Spike, take a letter. Princess Celestia is going to be hearing about this!” orders Twilight

“Twilight, I’m sure he wasn’t trying to be rude. He was just doing his job” says Spike

“Twilight, darling, I think you need to relax” says Rarity defensively “Spike is right. The gentlecolt was only doing his job and things have been peculiar these last few hours, so maybe he was just worried about our safety”

“Aaaaand, maybe he was grumpy because he missed breakfast! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and anyone can get grumpy if they don’t have breakfast I know I get grumpy when I don’t have breakfast because without breakfast I don’t have good food to start my day bright and shiny” says Pinkie Pie in one breath

E Gadd contemplates on how he should approach the ponies. He did break into Twilight’s house (which he reasons is a public library and he needed a map), and he has been eavesdropping on them. E Gadd shrugs, thinking its best to just go out and say “Hi”. When he stands up Pinkie Pie is somehow already in front of him. Her nose is practically touching his nose and she’s grinning from ear to ear and her eyes literally sparkle from sheer joy.

“Hi E Gadd!” says Pinkie Pie ecstatically

E Gadd screams and jumps back and clutches his heart.

“Pinkie Pie, don’t scare me like that. I’m too old for your youthful shenanigans” says E Gadd with fake annoyance

“Yay! You speak Equestrian!” cheers Pinkie Pie

E Gadd and Pinkie Pie hug each other tightly.

“Of course I do” giggles E Gadd

“Now you can finally meet all my friends!” says Pinkie Pie enthusiastically

“Pinkie, who are you talking you?” asks Twilight as she steps in her room with Rarity and Spike following close behind

E Gadd turns to face Twilight, Rarity, and Spike, and he does a gentlemanly bow as if he was greeting Princess Peach. Their jaws drop and they take a small step back. Pinkie Pie bounces away from E Gadd and pushes the trio closer to him. They try to dig their hooves and feet into the floor, but the floor is slick with wood polish and proves to have minimal friction.

“Don’t be afraid, everypony, he’s only Human” says Pinkie Pie as she pushes them closer to E Gadd

When they give up and walk to E Gadd, he smiles and takes the time to shake each of their hooves and hand. He also greets each of them by name.

“Forgive my intrusion, my name is Professor Elvin Gadd, but you may call me E Gadd”

“Oh my, he has great manners” says Rarity

“What are…how did you…huh?” stammers Twilight

E Gadd chuckles and playfully rubs Twilight’s mane; he notices a fading crack on her horn but thinks nothing of it. It’s obviously an injury well on its way to full recovery.

“I am a Human from a place called the Mushroom World; it’s in another dimension so you won’t find it with a regular telescope” says E Gadd cheerfully

“That explains what you are, but it doesn’t explain how you got in my house or how you know our names” says Twilight

“Technically it’s a public library” says Spike

“That I live in, Spike”

“…Oh yeah”

E Gadd pulls out a remote from his pocket and scans Twilight’s body. When the remote gives her a tickling feeling, her lavender coat becomes a slight shade of red around her cheeks and she squeaks and jumps away from E Gadd.

“Relax, Twilight” laughs E Gadd “it’s nothing harmful, I just extracted samples of your coat, mane, and DNA for further studying”

“You did what!” yells Twilight “That-that’s a gross invasion of privacy!”

“I will agree with Twilight, that was a bit tacky what you did there Professor E Ghaaad!”

E Gadd scans Rarity and she stumbles back, almost knocking Spike over in the process, while attempting to cover herself with her fore hooves. Her white coat does a horrible job of covering the blood rushing to her face from the embarrassment she got from the tickling feeling.

“For shame!” scolds Rarity

“Wow, Pinkie was right, you two really are uptight” teases E Gadd as he scans Pinkie Pie

Pinkie Pie giggles as E Gadd runs the device over her.

“That tickles, E Gadd. Do it again!” urges Pinkie Pie

“Sorry, only one scan per pony” says E Gadd

“I’m not getting…that am I?” asks Spike carefully

“Nope, I’m here for ponies not dragons. Where are your other friends, Pinkie Pie?”

Spike gets a sigh of relief, but then when it dawns on him that E Gadd has no interest in him he sighs in disappointment and his stance droops. Before Pinkie Pie can answer E Gadd’s question, Twilight puts her hoof over Pinkie Pie’s mouth and glares at E Gadd; her horn also glows slightly. E Gadd notices a slight twinge of pain flicker across the lavender unicorn’s face as soon as her horn began to glow.

“She’s not telling you anything” sneers Twilight “But you have some questions to answer”

E Gadd sits down on the floor and clasps his hands together and smiles kindly.

“And I shall answer to the best of my abilities, Ms. Sparkle” says E Gadd politely

The ponies and Spike look at each other, Spike shrugs and Pinkie Pie and Rarity sit next to E Gadd, Spike sits next to Rarity, and Twilight remains standing.

“First question: How do you know our names?” asks Twilight suspiciously

“Pinkie Pie told me” answers E Gadd casually

Twilight glares at Pinkie Pie and the pink pony smiles and nods.

“It’s all true” admits Pinkie Pie cheerfully

Twilight’s focus goes back to E Gadd.

“Next question: How do you know Equestrian?”

E Gadd pulls out a handbook from his coat and holds it up for everyone to see. The book is titled: The Mentally Inferior’s Guide to Equestrian.

“I ordered this book off of Pinkie Pie’s company website,” answers E Gadd “it was expensive, but well worth it. Plus it’s easier and cheaper to learn a new language than to hire and drag a translator along”

“That explains a lot” says Rarity to no one in particular

“How did you get in my house?”

“Your door was unlocked so I just walked in. Plus this is a library, so I don’t need permission to enter…unless there is a law for knocking before entering a library”

Twilight scrutinizes E Gadd for a few seconds before moving on to her next question.

“You said you came from another dimension, correct?”

E Gadd nods.

“Then can you explain to me why ponies are disappearing”

E Gadd searches through his mental library for any possible explanation for sudden disappearances. He knows it’s not worm holes; those are obnoxious and destructive on large scales. He deducts that it might be a small rift in the time-space continuum; those have a habit of sucking up random objects and people.

“Hmm, have these disappearances been with single ponies or in large groups?” asks E Gadd

"They’ve been single for what we know and they’ve been going on for almost a full day” replies Twilight

Now E Gadd is officially confused. He knows that his group just got here, so there is no way they created a rift that’s been sucking up ponies for a day. The only other logical explanation is that something else came to Equestria before he did.

“Something must’ve arrived here before I did. Did you ponies find anything out of the ordinary in the past day?” asks E Gadd

“I’m the one asking questions around here” snaps Twilight

“I can’t really help you if you don’t give me information, Ms. Sparkle”

“He’s right you know” says Pinkie Pie defensively while wrapping her hooves around E Gadd’s neck “I’ve known E Gadd for years and he’s one of the nicest and most honest and most sincere and most smartest people I’ve ever met”

“Bad grammar” coughs Spike

“Pinkie, where did you even meet E Gadd?” asks Rarity curiously

“We’re Facebook friends. And it all started with Farmville”

Twilight face-hoofs.

“I don’t even want to know” groans Twilight

“How many ponies have disappeared so far?” asks E Gadd worryingly as he gently pries himself loose from Pinkie Pie

“Six, and now there’s a bunch of spooky spies walking around the forest and town” says Pinkie Pie; she waves her hooves around to emphasize the situation

“I see. If it’s alright with you, I would like to be of assistance to you in finding whatever is lurking in your woods”

“Not to be rude or anything, but what can you do to help?” asks Rarity

“I’m the smartest man where I came from and I also spent two weeks as a Boy Scout when I was a lad so I’m an expert in the art of tracking”

“He’s starting to sound like Trixie” grumbles Spike

E Gadd rubs his chin, and when he remembers who Spike is talking about (courtesy of one of Pinkie Pie’s stories) he laughs and slaps his knee.

“I guess I am. How is she by the way?” asks E Gadd lightheartedly

“Wait, you know who Trixie is?” asks Spike

“Not directly, but Pinkie Pie told me about her. She seems like an interesting pony to meet”

Twilight’s eyes narrow and she trots to her bed, jumps up, and curls up on it so that she isn’t looking at anyone. She snorts out some hot air and her tail and ears twitch irritably. Spike, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity cringe at Twilight’s moody reaction.

“We haven’t seen her in a few months, and it’s a good thing too, she’s anything but a lady” says Rarity snobbishly

“Rarity!” gasps Pinkie Pie “How can you say such a mean thing? You know Trixie is a mare!”

“You completely missed the point, dear” says Rarity dryly as she rolls her eyes

“We better stop talking about Trixie” says Spike cautiously

“Please do” snaps Twilight

E Gadd stands up and brushes some wrinkles away. Twilight’s mood is so depressing that he’s sure the light will get sucked out of the room at any moment.

“I obviously brought up something painfully inappropriate. My apologies Ms. Sparkle” says E Gadd apologetically

Twilight’s response is a grunt.

“Well, I believe we should leave now, the lady needs her space” says Rarity

“Rarity,” says Twilight moodily “take Spike with you for some ice cream away from E Gadd. I don’t want any trouble with these agents”

Twilight barely lifts her head to look at Pinkie Pie and E Gadd.

“As for you two…stay out of trouble and out of sight”

E Gadd and Pinkie Pie salute, and the group walks out of the room. Twilight rests her head on her pillow and closes her eyes.

+++++

At Canterlot…

Trixie is sitting in her apartment living room on a plush couch with a glass of wine next to him. The apartment is being used as a meeting location for plans on the “3 Barns Up Charity Concert” and Fancy Pants, Prince Blueblood, and a half dozen other ponies she could care less about have been invited, to put loosely. She can’t really blame them for wanting to play a role in this event. The concert will be a business owner’s dream come true, there will be plenty of opportunities for advertisement, sales, and chances to get new customers. As for the royal family, this will be another opportunity to show Equestria that they are still in control and “care” about the populace. And she’s using “care” to the loosest of terms; she’s sure that the royal family has become more and more disconnected with the general populace over the years. However, Trixie is certain that Prince Blueblood is, by far, the most disconnected of the royal family. He’s so wrapped up in his world that it’s disgusting. And to make it worse, he kind of reminds Trixie of her old self, when she was a traveling show pony.

About a minute ago, Filthy Rich had told a joke that Trixie did not find amusing in any way, shape, or form. The joke was so horrible that she mentally took the joke, shredded it, and then threw the shreds in a fire pit. Definitely one of the worst jokes she’s ever heard.  However, the other guests found his joke to be hilarious. After the guests finished laughing at the worst joke ever made, Prince Blueblood sips some more wine and then looks at Trixie.

“So, Trixie, I suppose I have to thank you for allowing us to discuss this event in your apartment” says Prince Blueblood reluctantly

“Well, if Trixie wants to see this charity concert succeed then Trixie must be willing to accept help from…others” says Trixie politely

Despite the personal changes Trixie’s made over the past few months, she’s having the most difficulty dropping her third person speaking habit. But she’s been speaking in like that ever since she was a young adult, and, it’s like the old saying goes, “Old habits die hard”.

“I love how she talks in third person” chuckles Fancy Pants

“I’m still in the room you know” snaps Trixie

“Right, my apologies Ms. Lulamoon”

Trixie flicks some of her man out of her eyes and notices that Filthy Rich is slightly swaying back and forth, and his eyes are half closed and he also has a stupid smile on his face.

‘Great, Filthy is drunk’ “Now ladies and gentlecolts,” begins Trixie “as you know this concert is to bring notice to the impoverished-”

“What are you talking about? Nopony is impoverished” interrupts Prince Blueblood

“Trixie would have guessed that someone as disconnected as you wouldn’t know about the impoverished. But while great cities like Canterlot, Manehatten, Fillydelphia, and Detrot have advanced infrastructure”

Trixie walks to the window and shows them the grandeur of Canterlot by waving her hoof at the scenery to emphasize the benefits they have.

‘Once a show pony, always a show pony’ “Ninety percent of Equestria is still decades behind” continues Trixie “Ninety percent of Equestria still uses dirt roads, travel by hooves and carts, and still rely on hard mail for communication in long distances. If you’ve seen the conditions of the hospitals and the schools you will cringe and feel ashamed of yourselves for believing that Equestria is a utopia”

Trixie paces around the room, making sure to eye each of her not-so-welcomed guests. Trixie wonders why they aren’t holding this important meeting in the security of the Royal Palace, and she makes a mental note to bring this up with Prince Blueblood (he does seem more interested in this particular event than anything else too, so that’ll be another thing to bring up at an appropriate time).

“Filthy Rich, what does your company have to offer for Trixie’s show?” asks Trixie

“Well, my energy company is made of bits and likes mares” replies Filthy Rich stupidly

“…Right, but what can you offer for the event?”

“I’m a business owner; I power advertisements and sell light. But I can provide aaaaaaaaany services that wants the Great and Powerful Trixie”

Trixie and the other guests stare at Filthy Rich, but all he does is continue to smile like an idiot.

“Awkward” whispers one of the guests

Trixie knows she won’t get a good answer out of Filthy Rich in the state he’s in, so she turns her focus to Fancy Pants.

“What about you?” asks Trixie

“I have pledged to provide a box of free clothing to families in need for every ticket sold” says Fancy Pants smugly

“Let me guess, those clothes didn’t sell in your stores and they are wasting inventory space”

“Clothes are clothes, no matter the condition or the style”

Trixie is about to confront another guest, but she hears a Bzzzt. Everypony also hears the odd noise and they look around curiously. Trixie, on the other hand, silently gives thanks to Celestia.

Bzzzt.

“What is that horrid noise?” sneers Prince Blueblood

“Ladies and gentlecolts, Trixie is going to have to ask you to leave immediately” says Trixie while opening her front door with magic

Bzzzt.

Most of the guests leave without protest, but Prince Blueblood, Fancy Pants, and Filthy Rich stay behind. Prince Blueblood stomps forward and furrows his brow at Trixie.

“You dare kick out royalty” says Prince Blueblood harshly

“If you didn’t want to be kicked out of Trixie’s apartment then you should’ve requested this meeting be held in the palace” retorts Trixie irritably

“The palace is being fumigated! There was a fly in my room! A FLY!”

“Oh the horror; now leave”

Bzzzt.

Prince Blueblood cringes when the buzz returns and leaves in a huff.

“Fine, I’ll leave; but only because that buzzing is hurting my ears” says Prince Blueblood snobbishly

Prince Blueblood turns around in the doorway and points at Trixie.

“Celstia will be hearing about your rude behavior, by the way, so expect a letter” threatens Prince Blueblood

“Trixie looks forward to it” says Trixie sarcastically

Prince Blueblood snorts and stomps out of the apartment and Trixie catches Fancy Pants wandering her apartment, searching for the source of the buzzing. When Trixie sees him getting dangerously close to her home office, she gallops in front of him and blocks the doorway.

Bzzzt.

“Does the word ‘Privacy’ mean anything to you?”  growls Trixie

“My apologies, Ms. Lulamoon, I’m just curious as to what that buzzing noise is” says Fancy Pants apologetically (but Trixie thinks he’s not really sorry)

“It’s the buzzer to alert me of my nap time”

“You have a nap time?”

“Yes! Beauty rest is vital for Trixie’s looks and charms! Now leave!”

Bzzzt.

Fancy Pants stares at Trixie suspiciously, but when she narrows her eyes and her horn starts to glow he figures it’s best to not push her. So he leaves the apartment without another word. Trixie sighs with relief and is about to enter her office, but then she remembers that Filthy Rich is still in her apartment…staring at her…and drooling. Trixie grits her teeth and marches to Filthy Rich, and when she’s a few feet away from him she points at the door.

Bzzzt.

“Party’s over, Filthy, time to leave” says Trixie

“Please, call me Rich, every mare else does” slurs Filthy Rich

Trixie pushes Filthy Rich to the door; he makes no attempt at resisting. Instead he compliments Trixie’s smell and how much he likes her mane. When he is in the doorway, she stops pushing and points at the elevator behind him.

“Rich, it’s time to go” says Trixie forcefully

“But we still have ‘business’ to discuss. If you know what I mean” says Filthy Rich; his grin changes from a stupid one, to that of a dog begging for a favor

Bzzzt.

Trixie scoffs and uses her magic to throw Filthy Rich down the hallway. She waits until he stops sliding across the hallway floor (with his tail end in the air) before she slams the door shut.

“That’s what I get for having a business meet in my apartment” grumbles Trixie

Bzzzt.

Trixie locks her door using a traditional lock and some magic, and then she pulls all her drapes close and hurries to her desk and pulls out a black box with a dial on it and thick earphones. There is a red light flashing on and off on the dial.

Bzzzt.

Trixie pushes the dial and the light stops flickering and the buzzing stops. She then levitates the earpiece to her ear and listens in.

“We have a robbery at the Canterlot Royal Bank! The perpetrators are heavily armed! We need back up! I repeat! We need backup!” screams a cop over the radio

Trixie turns off the police scanner, hides it in her desk, and then runs to her closet. After pushing aside some junk (used solely for disguise) she pushes a star shaped button on the floor and it opens up to reveal her Mare-Do-Well costume, neatly folded and ready to go.

***

At the Canterlot Royal Bank, a group of a five ponies are holding a bank hostage; the group is made up of two earth ponies, two unicorns, and a Pegasus, and all of them are wearing ski-masks and black jumpsuits. All of them are armed in some way; the earth ponies and Pegasi have clawed boots and the unicorns are levitating clubs and sabers. The leader of the group is the Pegasus (a mare) wearing a black cuirass. She is overseeing the robbers overseeing the hostages throwing bags of bits into the back of a black van with tinted windows. The van had driven through the entrance of the bank, thus covering the floor with shattered glass, brick, and wood, as well as loose pieces of paper and writing utensils.

“C’mon! Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s go!” barks the Pegasus “We don’t have all day!”

One of the earth pony’s (a mare) hops on top of the vans so she can get closer to the Pegasus.

“We don’t have much time,” says the earth pony “the Royal Guard is on their way”

“How much do we have?” asks the Pegasus impatiently

“That’s the last of them” replies a unicorn

“Good! Let’s get out of here!”

The criminals, except for the Pegasus, jump inside the van and they drive off. The Pegasus flies after them. And while they are speeding through the crowded streets of Canterlot the Pegasus hears the sirens from the Royal Guard police cars. Within a matter of seconds half a dozen of the gold and white police cars of the Royal Guard swerve around the corner; following close behind are three Pegasi Royal Guards.

The Criminal Pegasus smiles and charges the three Pegasi flying towards her. She tackles the first Pegasi and they both spin towards the heavy traffic. Before either of them can hit the ground they both pull up, but the criminal Pegasus keeps the Royal Guard down just long enough for him to get hit by a Royal Guard police car. The vehicle the Guard was hit by spins out of control and causes a small pile up made of other police cars and civilian vehicles. The Pegasus laughs at her victory, but her celebration is cut short when another Royal Guard Pegasus tackles her to the ground. She lands on her back but is able to kick the guard away and she barely avoids the other Pegasus Guard’s attack. She bucks the Guard away and the Guard stumbles back. After regaining his footing the Guard and the Pegasus circle each other while snorting hot air. The Pegasus is about to do another attack, but rope covered in a light blue mist wraps around her leg and ties it to her wing; needless to say, it was a very awkward position for her and she lands on her face.

“What the hay” growls the Pegasus “Mare-Do-Well, is that you!”

Trixie, now in her Mare-Do-Well costume, pulls up to the Pegasus on her motorcycle and pseudo-politely tips her hat. The Guard’s jaw drops and he silently curses himself for not having a camera, or a picture that the famed vigilante can autograph for him.

“Always a pleasure seeing you Scarlet” says Trixie in her disguised voice sarcastically

Trixie nods to the Pegasus Guard and says “Gentlecolt” politely before chasing after the van.

***

Trixie hastily weaves through the traffic to catch up to the van. The vehicles she passes honk their horns and some ponies swear at her, but she ignores them. If she wasn’t wearing her costume she’d definitely chew out the ponies that thought they could talk to her like that. But she has more important things to do, and the police cars are having trouble navigating through the streets, unlike her sleek motorcycle (that she loves very much).

Within a couple of minutes Trixie spots the van. She speeds up and when she’s next to the driver side of the van, she slows down to match the van’s speed. After that, she motions the driver to roll down the window. The tinted window rolls down and a mare earth pony pokes her head out the window.

“Pull over!” orders Trixie

“Kiss my flank!” sneers the driver

Trixie’s eye twitches behind her visor and she speeds up with new found vigor. No pony talks to her that way! No pony! And since it was a criminal that used that kind of language against her, she won’t hold back her wrath.

When Trixie’s about a hundred feet in front of the van she turns around and charges it head on. She can’t see the criminals behind the tinted glass but she’s sure that they are questioning her sanity. Trixie’s eyes narrow and she launches a cable with a grapple at the end of it at the van’s front. It digs inside the van’s engine and causes the engine to sputter and smoke. Trixie zooms past the van and weaves in between a few lampposts before having the cord hook itself to a wall of a random building. Not even two seconds pass before Trixie hears the satisfying sound the van screeching to a halt, metal tearing, and the satisfying noise of a flip and crash against pavement. She turns around sees the van on its roof with its engine almost completely yanked out. All the windows on the vehicle are shattered and the backdoors broke open too, spilling all of the stolen bags of bits on the street.

Trixie casually drives to the crash site and parks next to the van. She ignores the gathering crowd as she coolly gets off her motorcycle and approaches the driver, who was now climbing out of the wrecked vehicle. The driver looks at Trixie and smiles sheepishly.

“You-you aren’t mad at what I said…are you?” asks the mare nervously

Trixie kicks her in the face, effectively knocking her out (and most likely breaking her snout too), and she’s about to tie up each of the robbers, but when the Royal Guards converge on her she decides against it.

“Mare-Do-Well, surrender yourself immediately!” shouts a Guard using a megaphone

‘So much for a thank you’ thinks Trixie

“You have five seconds to surrender or we will use force!” continues the Guard

The Royal Guards slowly move in on Trixie and the unconscious criminals; but Trixie is not interested in fighting the Royal Guards, so she jumps on her motorcycle and speeds away before they have a chance to close her in.

***

Near the top of a building under construction, Rex had watched the whole scene unfold between Mare-Do-Well and the criminals using a pair of binoculars to help him see better. Rex chuckles at the outcome of the show; to him, it was like watching an action flick. He watches the Royal Guards quickly lose track, or interest, (maybe both) of Mare-Do-Well and apprehend the bank robbers.

“Well, it looks like I just might have some more fun on this world” laughs Rex

Rex then pulls out handful of fresh meat from a backpack at his feet and shoves the whole thing in his mouth. He chews obnoxiously loud and after swallowing it, he smacks his lips and licks his fingers. Then he hears muffled cries and he turns around to face four terrified tied and gagged construction ponies. As Rex approaches his captives he cackles and drums his fingers together.

“Now for the main course” says Rex hungrily