Randomness

Part 3

+++++

At Bowser’s Castle…

Bowser is playing chess with Kammy in the throne room. So far Kammy appears to have the upper hand, with most of Bowser’s pieces knocked out and her queen going on a rampage. But Bowser is uncharacteristically calm, which worries Kammy slightly, but not too much. She can practically taste the victory!

“Checkmate” yawns Bowser while moving his knight next to Kammy’s queen

“Ha! That’s not a checkmate!” declares Kammy “That’s a…”

Kammy sees what Bowser did and she huffs and with a wave of her wand the chessboard disappears in a cloud of vapor.

“A clever checkmate”

Bowser smirks, but his smirk quickly turns into another yawn. Kammy shakes her head sadly at the king’s tired state.

“Are you seriously tired at this hour?” asks Kammy sternly

“I run a kingdom, a very large kingdom, and a psychotic terrorist yoshi somehow escaped from my custody, and I’m running on three minutes of sleep and I’m out of energy drinks” says Bowser wryly

“I thought Kamek gave you sleeping pills”

“Those were caffeine pills…and I’m experiencing the crash in three. Two. One. Now”

POOF!

Kamek appears behind Bowser with Mario, Wario, and a horribly mangled Waluigi under his hovering broom. Bowser sighs and turns to the group.

“So much for my nap” grumbles Bowser

Bowser sees Waluigi bleeding all over his floor and he scowls.

“Oh for the love of-Somebody get Waluigi a mushroom!” barks Bowser

A random goomba yelps and darts away while shouting “The Great Odor demands mushrooms!”. Bowser face-palms after hearing that. Kammy floats next to Bowser and pats his shoulder sympathetically.

“There, there, eventually those smell jokes will pass” says Kammy

“I’m squishing the next person that uses a smell joke” sneers Bowser

“Bowser, I’m here. Now what do you want” demands Mario

Bowser looks at Mario irritably.

“Since when are you so rude?” snaps Bowser

“Since when do you want my assistance?” retorts Mario

“Since when do you question helping others?”

“Since when do you ask for help?”

“Since when do you…ah screw it. Walk with me, Mario, we have much to discuss”

Mario reluctantly walks with Bowser out of the throne room, as they walk out the same goomba returns with a basket of mushrooms on his head. After closing the door behind them, Mario hears Waluigi scream in pain and then laugh for joy and then bounce around the room. Or at least it sounds like bouncing…and objects breaking…and Wario and the Magikoopas swearing and trying to get Waluigi under control.

Mario and Bowser decide its best to let the guards handle it, and they know that things will get handled delicately (in a purely cruel, sarcastic way) when Karl storms down the hall shouting “What the Hell are you guys doing in the throne room!”.

“Just keep walking, when Karl gets mad it’s a scary sight” says Bowser while lazily covering his yawn with his hand

A moment later they hear Wario and Waluigi begging for mercy over Karl’s wrathful –and very colorful- yelling. They walk in silence for the rest of the trip to the bottom of Bowser’s Castle, which was very awkward for Mario. When they reach a large, blast door with Bowser’s symbol on it, Bowser presses a specific brick on the wall and a keypad slides out.

“Mario, have you ever heard of a yoshi named Rex?” asks Bowser as he types in a code

“Not until recently” replies Mario

“I see…You have extensive knowledge on yoshis, given your frequent travels to Yoshi Island and your relationship with the yoshi tribes”

“And you want my help to capture Rex and return him to your custody. Which I will do, but I’ll warn you in advance, if this is a trick-”

Bowser finishes entering the code and a lever pops out and he pulls it down without hesitation. The door groans in protest and scratches against the ground as it slides into the wall, revealing another hallway that had a tiled floor with mirrors along the wall.

“What could I possibly gain from this experience?” asks Bowser innocently

“You can attack the Mushroom Kingdom for starters” says Mario

“Not interested”

“Since when?”

“Since the nine-hundredth time my attempts to conquer the world left me with a destroyed army and body and soul”

Mario has no comeback for that, so he just accepts that Bowser won’t attack the Mushroom Kingdom, or any other place for that matter. Even though Mario is not entirely convinced that Bowser won’t attempt another aggressive expansionist campaign, he still has reason to believe that Luigi and his friends are in danger, which takes precedence over trust issues with a tyrant at this point.

Mario and Bowser walk down the odd hallway and Mario instantly becomes curious as to why the hallway is designed the way it is.

“So…Bowser, I’ve never seen a hallway like this before” says Mario casually

“I had extra funds and I told the architect to have fun with this hallway under two conditions. One, it cannot go over the limit. And two, it has to screw with anyone who walks down it” states Bowser proudly

Mario nods and takes a closer look at the mirrors and notices that every single one of them has an eye on them. And the eyes look like they are following his every move (and it also looks like a couple of them are blinking). Suddenly Mario gets a very uneasy feeling that causes the hair on his neck to stand up and he fights back the enormous urge to run out of the room at full speed. But when he notices Bowser smirking at his queasiness out of the corner of his eye, he becomes determined not to give Bowser the benefit of seeing his rival running out screaming.

When they enter the room where Bowser had his trans-dimensional phone booth, Mario instantly spots a certain two tailed fox building another phone booth with headphones on. Mario can faintly hear metal coming out of the head phones, and all those weeks of Tails acting like a complete ass during the Olympics floods back into his memories. But he once again becomes curious.

“What’s Tails doing here?” asks Mario quizzically

“Kammy brought Tails here to rebuild the trans-dimensional phone booth” says Bowser coolly

“He built it fast”

“When he saw the blueprints for it he laughed at its simplicity”

Bowser escorts Mario to a table that has three backpacks on it; there is also a crate next to the table that has a hammer and two maces wrapped in bubble wrap. Each one is the respective color and symbol of Mario, Wario, and Waluigi. Bowser opens up Mario’s sack and shows him the contents: four red mushrooms, four fire flowers, and four feathers.

“Are you putting me in a warzone” jokes Mario

“Close enough to one” says Bowser dryly

Bowser pulls out the hammer from the crate and hands it to Mario. Mario carefully unwraps it and turns it in his hands. The hammer looks a lot like the hammer he usually uses, but its lighter and has a better grip.

Bowser smirks and says “You can thank Karl for that”

Mario nods approvingly and sets the hammer next to his backpack, and then nods at the two maces in the crate.

“What’s with the maces?” asks Mario

“Those are ours” says Wario proudly

Wario and Waluigi approach Mario and Bowser with their noses in the air and bloody tissue shoved up their noses.

“Karl?” says Bowser

“Karl” replies Wario

“Karl’s fist” adds Waluigi

“Karl’s knee”

“Karl’s shell”

“Karl’s claws”

“Karl’s cold piercing red eyes”

“Both of you shut up” snaps Bowser

They obey.

“All done!” hollers Tails

Tails flies next to Bowser while wiping his greasy hands on an equally dirty rag; his headphones are pulled down over his neck now and he turned off his music. When he sees Mario they greet each other politely, and then he turns his attention to Bowser.

“The transport is ready to go” says Tails cheerfully

“Excellent” says Bowser as he rubs his hands together “Mario, Wario, and Waluigi, you know what to do”

Wario and Waluigi grab their gear without hesitation and head to the phone booth, but Mario remains standing in his spot.

“Hold on a second,” says Mario sternly “how do I know that this thing won’t explode on us?”

“Well for one, I built all by myself” says Tails “And two,  this thing doesn’t have all the complicated mechanics of different engines from different dimensions, unlike E Gadd’s ship, therefore the chances of Mysterious Explosions have been brought down to about, oh, nineteen point six three percent”

“…Okay, I’m lost”

“Okay, E Gadd used different parts for his ship, right?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t see anything that would transport people to other dimensions” ‘Like I would know what one looks like anyway’

“Well he did, and when you mix different parts of vehicles together, especially a Shaw-Fujikawa Trans-Light engine, then the worst case scenario is the ship implodes and the best case scenario is the ship explodes”

Mario’s jaw drops and all kinds of scenarios play out in his head where Luigi is either blown into bits or sucked away into a manmade black hole never to be seen again.

“So Luigi dies either way!” yells Mario horrifyingly

“No, I put ejection seats in and an advanced warning system to alert the passengers if something goes haywire” states Tails calmly “Besides, I used a special glue that lowered the chance of the explode-implode scenarios down to almost thirteen percent. All E Gadd had to do was wait for it to dry. But if he left while the glue was still wet…well then the chances are quadrupled”

“You aren’t making me feel any better”

“Sorry, Mario, but those are just the facts”

Bowser suddenly shoves a bag of gold coins in Tails’s hands.

“Fantastic, here’s your pay” says Bowser impatiently

“Um…thanks…I wasn’t expecting to get paid, though” says Tails

“Well if you don’t want it then I’ll gladly take it all back”

“No, no, I’m good. Thanks for the pay”

Bowser and Tails shake hands and then Tails turns to Mario.

“By the way, Sonic says you still owe him a hover board” says Tails

“I already gave him a new one” says Mario harshly

“It was pink, though, and he wanted blue”

“Tell that pin cushion they sell spray paint at the local home improvement store”

Tails chuckles and walks away whistling blissfully with his hands stuffed in his pockets. Bowser shakes his head while motioning Mario to get into the phone booth. But Mario folds his arms across his chest and stares at Bowser without moving from his spot.

“Tell me everything you can about Rex first” says Mario sternly

Wario and Waluigi walk up to the two rivals while Bowser sighs irritably and walks away mumbling about getting a profile sent down.

“Where to start is the problem. All we know is that he is a very fast, and very strong, yoshi” says Wario

“Not to mention psychotic” adds Waluigi

“Yeah, he’s like a psychotic, super-fast, super-strong demon from the twelfth ring of Hell”

“That’s it? You have nothing about his past or anything?” questions Mario

Bowser tosses a folder to Mario and when he catches it he flips it open and finds that they have barely three sheets of information on their target. Mario briefly wonders how Bowser was able to get the profile that quick, but then thinks that it’s better to just blame freaky fast delivery on magic.

‘Kammy or Kamek probably teleported it down or something’ thinks Mario as he quickly flips through the profile

“Everything we have on him is in that folder,” states Bowser “what we know is that he grew up on Yoshi Island and, according to our shrinks, there are only two possible reasons why he turned out this way. He’s either a full on narcissistic sociopath, or he got punches instead of hugs”

Mario reads the report of the first encounter the Koopa Troopas had with him. An entire yoshi village had been razed and all they could find of the villagers were charred skeletons in fire pits. They found him celebrating this “victory” with some followers and an attempt to capture him led to horrifyingly bloody results that were not in their favor.

“Rex led a war party of vicious yoshis that attacked everyone and everything. It didn’t matter if you were a toad, a koopa, or a yoshi, if you were his target you were dead” continues Bowser

Mario looks at Rex’s profile picture. Even when he was captured he smiled like he had won the lottery.

“When I dispatched the Koopa Brothers to capture Rex and his goons they lost almost all of their soldiers and came back wounded. Black had to get a facial reconstructive surgery; Yellow needed a new arm; and Red almost bled to death. Only Green was able to subdue him”

Mario closes the profile and looks at Bowser.

“And now you want me to go and capture Rex, even though he almost killed your best fighters” says Mario grimly

“No, not capture…Kill” replies Bowser in a far grimmer, no-nonsense, tone

Mario and Bowser stare at each other; Mario understands the situation, but he does not like the idea of being an assassin, even if it means killing a very bad yoshi. But Mario can also tell that Bowser is not willing to compromise his position. Mario looks over at Wario and Waluigi and sees that they look surprised by Bowser’s mission. When they were told to get Mario it was so they can use his yoshi expertise to capture Rex, but now they are drawn into a kill order.

“You are, without a doubt, one of the finest fighters in the Mushroom World, and this is a situation where we must put aside our differences, lest we want to suffer unimaginable consequences” says Bowser reasonably

There is a moment of heavy, anxious silence before Wario chimes in.

“Wait, wha-what happened to uh um capturing Rex?” stutters Wario

“He’s too dangerous to be left alive” snaps Bowser

“Were you going to tell us before we left?”

“I was going to tell you at the last minute so no one would argue with me”

“I am no assassin, Bowser” says Mario boldly “I will help you capture Rex, but I won’t kill him. I am not that kind of man”

Bowser snarls and stomps towards Mario while clenching his fists and snorting out fiery smoke. Wario and Waluigi jumps back out of fear of Bowser’s furious mood swing.

“You lay waste to my soldiers, wreck my fortresses, and my villages without hesitation when it comes to you and your little squeeze, but the time comes to kill an enemy that is a threat to everyone you suddenly decide you’re not an assassin!” roars Bowser

Mario remains silent, and Wario and Waluigi glance at each other nervously.

“Suddenly, just because your target has a face and a name, you decide you are too pure to kill!? Well, let me put this in perspective for you. If you let Rex live, and if he escapes again, there’s a good chance he’ll come after everyone you love. Luigi. Dead! Blue. Dead! Yellow. Dead! Princess Peach…Dead”

Bowser lowers himself to Mario’s eye level.

“Time to snap out of fantasy land, Mario, some creatures are too horrible to be spared…and Rex is one of them”

A couple minutes of heated arguing later, Mario, Wario, and Waluigi cram themselves into the phone booth and Bowser closes and locks it from the outside.

“You know what you must do” says Bowser sternly

Wario salutes and says “Of course, Bowser”

“We won’t fail you!” says Waluigi dramatically

Bowser nods and steps away. Wario types in the appropriate coordinates and warns Mario and Waluigi top hold on tight. The phone booth begins to shack and spark violently and all the lights flicker on and off sporadically. Waluigi gulps and Wario tries unsuccessfully to hide his uneasiness while Mario stays calm on the outside, but on the inside he’s worried down to the core. He doesn’t know if his brother and friends are okay, or if they will find and kill Rex (the killing part is still troublesome to him). And while all the possible scenarios play around in his head, one thing suddenly catches his attention. Wario knew exactly where to go and knew where E Gadd, Luigi, and the Dude Brothers were going. This was going to bug him.

Next thing Mario knows, there is a blinding flash of light that is replaced by psychedelic colors and lines that zoom across the window. In fact, it looks like they are going through tubes of pure energy. Waluigi loves the scenery so much he presses his face against the window and says “Ooooooooooooh”. But now that they are sort of calmly going through the space-and-time continuum, Mario takes the opportunity to get some answers.

“So how did Rex escape?” asks Mario

“Don’t know” says Wario hastily

“Alright, so how did you know that E Gadd was planning a trip to Equestria?”

“Oh, that’s simple. We were spying on him”

“What! Why were you guys spying on E Gadd?”

“We were bored”

“And spying is fun!” says Waluigi happily “Oooh….colors. Lots and lots and lots of colors of colorfulness”

Wario and Mario look at each other. For once, Mario is actually worried about the wellbeing of Waluigi.

“Shouldn’t we pull him away from the window?” asks Mario worryingly

“Nah, he’ll be fine” says Wario casually “Besides, it’s not like he’s going to go blind or anything”

The unnaturally bright light returns without any warning and practically burns the group’s shadow into the phone booth. Wario and Mario instantly shield their eyes and Waluigi shrieks at octaves that are unnaturally high to humans.

“MY EYES!” shrieks Waluigi

+++++

At the Royal Palace…

The moon is full and bright; the stars flicker peacefully and give the sky the beauty that sunlight cannot. There is nothing but tranquility in the Royal Palace, and that is part of the reason why the night guards love it. When there is nothing but peaceful silence, everything is magnified. Thoughts become clearer, buildings become more beautiful, palace art can be enjoyed without the background chatter, and those day guards and all their overinflated egos are locked away in their own barracks, bringing in the ultimate level of inner-tranquility.

Colt and L Roy got the privilege of being transferred to the Royal Palace, specifically the Royal Gardens, after “capturing” the two petty thieves. Apparently those two had connections to the Flim Flam brothers so the Royal Guard called Colt and L Roy’s capture a job well done. However, the two unicorns tried to explain that it was Mare-Do-Well who caught the criminals, they just dragged them in. That only sped up the transfer. While Colt took the news of transfer very well in Shining Armor’s office, L Roy has a feeling the rushed transfer was a horrible attempt to hide the ever growing incompetence in the Royal Guard. However, Colt didn’t complain, he was happy to be transferred to the Royal Gardens; he apparently loves flowers and anything to do with gardening.

“That explains the sunflower cutie mark” mumbles L Roy under his breath while Colt was skipping around pointing out every single plant (in its scientific name) in the garden

“Ooh, there’s some rosa rubiginosas!” chirps Colt as he bends down to sniff a bundle of roses

L Roy rolls his eyes.

“Colt, I know that your generation is all about expressing your inner self and being true to all your feelings and all that other lovey-dubby crap, but for the love of Luna please act like a stallion” says L Roy as politely as he could, but it still turned out to be a toned down tongue lashing

Colt becomes a bit hurt by what L Roy had said, but when he looks behind the older stallion he sees why he said what he said. There is a group of experienced Night Guards snickering at them like fillies in a schoolyard.

“No, it’s quiet alright,” says a Pegasus Night Guard “let the little colt express himself”

“Yeah, we don’t want to hurt the younger generation’s feelings” chimes in an earth pony Night Guard

“Shouldn’t you ponies be doing something important, like, oh I don’t know, patrolling!” growls L Roy

The guards laugh and resume their patrols, and L Roy glances at Colt.

“See what I mean” grumbles L Roy

Colt nods, but half way through his nodding he stops and looks up at the sky with a mixed look of wonder, curiosity and concern. L Roy also looks up and sees an object falling out of the sky. Both of the Guards’ eyes widen and they bolt for cover.

“Incoming!” screams L Roy

A second later, a smoking phone booth lands a few feet away from where Colt and L Roy were standing moments ago. The impact left a small crater and scattered and blew away loose grass, leaves, and flowers petals. The Night Guards are quick to shine a light on the strange object and even quicker to surround it.

“What is it?” asks Colt shakily

L Roy levitates a spear and cautiously approaches it.

“I don’t know, but I’m checking it out” says L Roy boldly

***

Mario blinks away the colorful dots floating around in his vision and then tenderly rubs his eyes.

“Jeeze, that was bright” grumbles Wario

“I think I just lost my vision” says Waluigi in an eerily calm tone

Waluigi blinks a couple of times before nodding as if in total acceptance of what just happened.

“Yep, I’m blind”

“That’s what you get for sticking your face against the window, ya moron” says Wario impatiently

Mario hands Waluigi a mushroom, which he eats without hesitation and when his vision returns, he smiles and thanks Mario.

“Don’t mention it” says Mario while pulling open the door “All we have to do is find my bother and friends and Rex, and then-”

Shhhhhhhnk!

Mario freezes, Wario and Waluigi’s eyes widen, and then all three of them slowly put their hands in the air. Blocking their exit is a group of unicorns wearing menacing dark armor levitating barbed spears at them, and from the looks of it, they are on a hair trigger.

“Well shit me a brick and call me phlegm!” exclaims Wario

Mario sighs heavily while closing his eyes. They are in for a long mission.

***

Luna is sitting on her special throne in the throne room of the Royal Palace. During the day, Celestia had the throne made out of gold and wood painted white, with all kinds of decorations bringing glory to the sun (and daytime in general). But when Luna takes over for the night, she switches out her older sister’s throne with her own special throne; this irks her sister all the time, but she thinks she deserves her own special throne. The one Luna is sitting in is considerably smaller, due to the major size difference between her and Celestia, and simpler. It’s colored in midnight blue with a moon stitched on the back. However, she has an extra fluffy cushion that she purposefully made to outmatch her sister’s seat in comfort. She’s been on the moon for a thousand years, she deserves a fluffy seat.

After Nightmare Night, Luna had wanted to explore more of Equestria and see how much things have changed (she especially wanted to visit new places called “night clubs”). However, Celestia has been stern about what and where Luna does and goes. It’s aggravating to the night princess since and she’s been contemplating on whether or not she should defy her sister and have some fun at these “night clubs”.

“Buck it, I’m getting outta here” says Luna defiantly

She spreads her wings and prepares to fly out the window, but then the throne room doors are flung open via magic and a small army of her Night Guards march in. Luna quickly sits down and pretends to be preening her feathers.

“Your Majesty, we caught a group of invaders” boasts the lead guard, an aged unicorn with a small beard

Luna looks up and the Night Guards part ways to reveal a group of three cuffed bipedal ape looking things with very little fur on their bodies, and wearing plain clothing. The first one is chubby, and wearing a red hat and a red sweater with blue overalls, work shoes (or were they boots?), and white gloves; he also has a thick mustache, and judging by his confident stature, Luna’s guessing he’s the leader. The second one is obese, has purple overalls, elf looking shoes, and a yellow hat and sweater with sleeves cut off near the shoulders. He also has a zigzag-y mustache and white gloves. The last is the tallest, skinniest, and creepiest, of the three. Like the obese one, he has a zigzag like mustache and elf shoes, but he’s wearing a purple hat and sweater under dark blue overalls. His face is also pointy, unlike the other two whose faces are pudgy.

Luna stares at the odd creatures, and one of the new guards, Colt, trots up her with three levitating bags (one red, one yellow, and one purple) and shows her the contents. This raises more questions for her since they look completely worthless. What were these visitors (or invaders as the guards say) planning on doing with mushrooms, flowers, and feathers? And why do the plants have faces!

The other new guard, L Roy, lifts up a hammer and two maces for Luna to see.

“This is all they had on them, Your Majesty” says L Roy professionally

“Can we keep them?” asks Colt childishly

L Roy face-hoofs.

“Bring them forward” orders Luna

The Night Guards escort the prisoners to Luna and she glides down towards them and studies each of them. They are definitely not from Equestria.

The fat one in yellow leans next to the one in red and whispers something that makes his stoic expression contort into a look of disgust and smack him over the head with his cuffed hands. The yellow one winces and tries fruitlessly to rub the spot that was slapped, while the creepy one in purple snickers.

“What are you doing here” demands Princess Luna

The three stare at her, their faces as blank as a fresh chalkboard, and then they glance at each other and shrug.

“[What’d she say?]” asks the yellow one

“[Why are you asking me? I don’t speak horse]” answers the one in red

“[Gentlemen, allow me]” says the one in purple

The purple one clears his throat and steps forward.

“Purple pickles lunatic boobs kill rabies. I ate a pencil” he says while smiling proudly

The room falls deathly quiet, and Luna’s brain literally dies from the complete nonsense that came out of the creature’s mouth.

***

Mario and Wario look at the guards uneasily, everyone seems confused, some guards even whisper amongst themselves and shrug while shaking their heads, and the winged unicorn looks like she’s contemplating on whether or not she should zap Waluigi for his stupidity.

“Waluigi, what exactly did you say?” asks Mario worryingly

“I have no idea. I just made horse sounds” says Waluigi nervously while forcing his grin to stay

“Great, we’re dead” says Wario angrily

***

Princess Luna turns to L Roy and Colt. She could tell by the tone that those things used that they did not approve what their partner had said…if he even knew what he had said. But at least she knows that the purple creep is referred to as “Waluigi”, so they got some progress.

“They obviously do not speak our language” states Luna “Keep them locked in the guest chambers with guards watching them closely. We shall consult our sister on what do with them”

‘Dang it, she’s doing that third pony thing again’ “Yes, Your Majesty” says L Roy

“We want you and your partner to watch them personally”

“I beg your pardon?”

“You and your partner are to watch them until we return”

“Oh…of course Your Majesty”

***

A few minutes pass before Mario’s group is put inside a large extravagant room with a single round bed that has silky lavender blankets and pillows. The room has a great view of a city that looks like a modern city, which surprises Mario since this planet is dominated by ponies. Most of the guards have left, only two remain, and they are both unicorns. One is young with some kind of sunflower mark tattooed on his flank, and the other is older (and sterner) and has an axe on his flank. Mario makes a mental note not to tick off the older pony.

Wario runs his hand along the sheets of the bed before testing the softness of the mattress. It’s godly.

“Waluigi, feel the mattress” says Wario dreamily

Waluigi feels the mattress and nods approvingly.

“This is a soft mattress” says Waluigi

“Yeah” sighs Wario “I wonder why they put us in here”

Mario looks out the window and sees a big pink zeppelin with three party balloons floating in lazy circles over what looks like a stadium. He walks on the balcony to get a closer look, and to get a better view of the city in general. He easily spots some Pegasi watching him closely, but thinks nothing of it. If for some reason he has to fight his way out then it’ll be a breeze. He’s fought more terrifying things than ponies. Things like Tabuu and Giga Bowser.

‘That company is everywhere’ thinks Mario while staring at the zeppelin

“Do you think we’ll have to spend the night here?” asks Waluigi

“If we are, I’m calling dibs on the bed” says Wario

“The bed is plenty for both of us, though”

“I am not sharing a bed with other men”

Mario sighs and walks back into the room to defuse the situation. The last thing they need is to have a brawl in a palace over a bed.

“Wario, that bed is huge, there will be nothing wrong with sharing it if comes down to that” says Mario sternly

“Mario,” begins Wario snobbishly “the Guy Code is very clear about what is gay and what is not. Such as, using a urinal next another guy is gay, and sharing a bed with another guy is gay”

“What about exchanging underwear?” asks Waluigi slowly while rubbing his chin as if in deep thought

Mario and Wario stare at Waluigi awkwardly. A moment later, Wario pats Mario on his shoulder and tells him that he’ll be outside for some desperately needed fresh air.

***

Luna silently flies into Celestia’s room. Just like everything her sister owns her room is a representation of everything pertaining to the sun and daytime. The walls are painted white with gold decorations, and it’s very open and airy, even in the night the decorations in the room glow in the dark because of glow-in-the-dark paint. In the center of the room is Celestia’s ridiculously large bed; it is shaped like a sun with golden sheets and fluffy white pillows, and Celstia is smack-dab in the middle of the bed, curled up and hugging a pillow under the comfort of her blanket.

Luna carefully hops on Celestia’s bed and approaches her with even more caution. If anything has remained the same over the last one thousand years, it’s that Celestia turns into the ultimate bitch when she’s awaken prematurely.

“No, Discord, don’t use caramel” mumbles Celestia in her sleep

Her leg twitches slightly before tightening her grip on her pillow. Luna stops, and blinks, and then she stops herself from thinking about what twisted combination could involve Discord, Celestia and caramel.

Luna taps Celestia’s head with her hoof and whispers “Tia, wake up”

“Not now, Luna” moans Celestia crossly while shifting slightly

Luna pulls Celestia’s blanket away and tries waking her up again, but Celestia uses her teeth to pull her sheets back over her head. Luna hops on the other side of Celestia and magically pulls the blanket off. Celestia instantly cringes and curls up into a ball, or as tight of a ball as an equine can get, and folds her wing over her head.

“Not now, Luna” repeats Celestia

“BUT THERE ARE ALIENS IN THE PALACE!!!” says Luna in the Royal Canterlot Voice, causing all loose items to be blown away and the room to shake by the volume of her voice

Celestia screams and jumps up on all four hooves, unintentionally creates a flash of light as bright as the sun, and begins breathing heavily. Her eyes also shoot wide open and her wings pop out at full span; thankfully Luna didn’t get a wing to the face. Luna instantly covers her mouth with her hooves and fears that her sister might lash out for destroying her eardrums.

“Sorry, Tia, but we have a small problem” says Luna meekly “There are-”

Luna cocks her head and gets a “What-the-hay” look when she hears her sister snore and sees her wings lazily droop down to her sides. Luna carefully walks to the front of her sister and sees that she’s, once again, fast asleep, only this time she’s standing up and drooling out of the corner of her mouth. Luna sighs and lightly pushes the sun goddess over. She falls over like a sack of bricks and after landing on the bed she quickly curls up again and giggles sleepily while stroking her golden blanket.

“I love your scales” purrs Celestia in her sleep

Luna rolls her eyes and flies out of the room; her sister will be more of a hindrance than anything else in her current state and besides, she really doesn’t want to spend any more time in Celestia’s room. She had forgotten how weird her sister can be when she’s in a deep sleep.

Luna flies back to the room where the aliens are being kept and asks L Roy and Colt if they got anything out of their observations.

“The one in red is referred to as ‘Mario’, the yellow tub of lard is called ‘Wario’, and the tall creep is ‘Waluigi’. So far they haven’t caused any trouble, but they do appear confused as to why they are being held, Princess” says L Roy

“Waluigi keeps saying random things to me” comments Colt uneasily

Waluigi taps Wario on the shoulder and points to Luna and Wario calls Mario. Mario walks out from the balcony and approaches Luna. Luna extends her hoof and Mario shakes it with a confused look, and Luna is also confused by this gesture, but she doesn’t hold it against him. She guesses that the shaking is a cultural thing.

“You must be their leader, Mario, you may call us Princess Luna” says Luna

“[I am sorry, but I have no idea what you just said]” says Mario apologetically

“We are sorry, but we do not understand your tongue”

“[Yeah…look can we get our stuff and go? We have important work to do]”

“Are you hungry? You do not seem like the type to pose a threat to us, despite your interesting anatomy, so I will label you as guests”

“[Okay, how should I do this…Waluigi can you help out here?]”

“[Certainly]” says Waluigi excitedly as he skips towards Mario and Luna

‘Oh no’ “No, it is quiet alright, his presence is not required” says Luna uneasily

“Greetings major tomato! My name is cup and I love your flank hairball mittens!” beams Waluigi

Luna has nothing to say to that, so she leaves the room immediately without saying a word.

“[Smooth, Waluigi]” growls Mario

“[Hey, you asked, I provided]” says Waluigi smugly

In the hallway, Luna sighs and orders the guards to bring the “guests” some food. The guards nod and walk away while Luna trots in the opposite direction towards the throne room. This was going to be a long night, she just knew it.