Note: the events of this chapter take place one week after chapter 4.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Police Station
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Kobold was in the debriefing room of the station. In front of him stood twenty police officers in steriotipical 80's police officer wear. Straped to their backs were large broadsword made out of steel. Kobold himself was wearing a dark blue trenchcoat and a fedora of the same color. To his side stood a projector, currently displaying a white wall.

Kobold picked up a stick from a nearby table. In his hand was a small red button.

"Alright, here's the skinny." Kobold pressed the button, and a humanized version of Pinkie Pie popped up on screen.

"This is our target, full name: Pinkamena Diane Pie. She has committed over nine thousand acts of satanism and violated the laws of physics on multiple occasions. She has show the ability to shape-shift into a pony," Kobold pressed the button again and the normal Pinkie appeared on screen.

"Currently, she has hidden herself away in Sugarcube Corner." He pressed the button again and the gingerbread monstrosity of a house came on screen.

Kobold began to draw an invisible circle with the stick around the picture. "If we can surround her and close in, then she'll have no choice but to surrender. Now, who's with me?"

He got a very enthusiastic roar of approval from the officers.

"All right, now, let's MOOOOOOOOVE OUT!"

Kobold left the building and mounted his hover motorcycle that was made for someone half his size. He revved the engines and hunched over the handlebars, going at top speed toward the sunset.

/\/\/\/\
Reality
/\/\/\/\

With a start, Kobold woke up in his dark bedroom, realizing that what he just saw was just a dream.

"Alright, that's it. No more booze after nine."

Kobold checked his bedside analog clock. "Three A.M.. Dammit." Kobold was feeling very well rested, so he decided to go out to the forest and practice blinking.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Everfree Forest
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

He started at the entrance of the forest. The snow had given the entire place a 'Christmas forest of horror' type of look, white covering most of the treetops. Luckily, the foliage was thick enough to keep up most of the snow, leaving a relatively clear path.

Kobold spotted a thick branch about 10 yards away. He blinked to it, grabbed on, and spun around on it a few times. Letting go, Kobold blinked to the ground. It made him feel...good to be blinking, but doing it too much wore him out. Just doing it twice made him want to take a breather.

So he did, and began to consider his financial position, which was...

10 bits to his name.

"Maybe shouldn't have spent all of it on whiskey and newspapers."

"I may be able to help."

"AAAHH." Kobold jumped. Princess Luna had just shown up when he was absorbed in thinking about his finances. "How did you know I was broke?"

"You just told me."

Silence. Maybe I should stop talking to myself.

"Aight, I'm listening."

"My sister and I are coming to Ponyville in a few days for the Winter Moon Celebration.-"

"The what?"

"Winter Moon Celebration. Its the longest night of the year. It begins with me rising the moon, which proceeds to a large party."

Kobold gulped at those last words. "And you need me to...?"

"If I pull some strings and ask for a few favors, I might be able to procure you a bodyguard job. You would be standing near my sister and me for the entirety of the celebration, watching for any conflict or possible harm. Given your experience with...other problems, I do not believe it will be difficult."

"Okay, how much is the pay?"

"Well, I would need to check with my sister and come to an agreed upon amount, but generally, I've seen most applicants walk away with around five hundred bits."

Kobold's jaw dropped "F-five, HUNDRED! For a single night?!"

Luna looked confused "Yes, five hundred. If that's not good enough, I can jus-"

"Nonononono, it's just...that's a lot."

"Well, it will get you out of your financial problems, correct?"

"Hell yes, it will." A thought crossed Kobold's mind. "But why come to me?"

"I have two good reason. One, I am fairly certain that anything attempting an attack won't stand a chance against you. Two, what else are friends for?"

Kobold was taken by surprise by this statement. "Wait, what? We're friends? We've exchanged words a total of two times before today, and the second time was less than twenty words."

"And?"

"You royal, me commoner."

"And?"

Kobold took a moment to think. "And...I got nothing. But my reasons are still valid."

"Kobold, exchanging words with royalty is still a rare occurrence, more so with myself because my sister has always been much more social. This, added with the fact that you have saved not only Ponyville, but also Appleoosa AND the fact that you seem to enjoy the night so very much makes you a friend to me. That, and the only ponies other than the nobles that I have spoken with are the Element and very few other choice ponies. And the nobles... I'd rather not talk about that. Are you trying to say you would not like to have royalty as a friend?"

"Nonono, it was just unexpected is all."

"Alright, then, I believe that is all I came here to talk about. I will see you at the celebration."

"Aight." Luna teleported away, presumably back to her post. "Friends with royalty. I have but one thing to say...

Best,

Perks,

Ever!

Also, friendship seems to come rather easily around here."

Kobold blinked back to his house after about ten minutes of practicing blinking. "Damn, that stuff really takes it out of me." He walked inside and went to bed

/\/\/\/\/
Morning
/\/\/\/\/

As Kobold awoke, streams of sunlight beamed through the window. He checked the time "Eight. Better get my ass up."

He got up and walked into his, as he now dubbed it, office. Sitting down in his office chair, he brought out his bestiary and began reading, putting his feet up on his metal desk.

After about ten minutes of reading, someone knocked on the door. "S'open." The door opened and Rarity came through the door. "Ah, Rarity, what brings you here?"

"Are you aware of the upcoming celebration?"

"Yes, yes I am." Oh shit, I see were this is going.

"Well, seeing as all you seem to wear are those filthy, drab rags everyday-"

Filthy? DRAB?

"And seeing as you have no formal attire, I simply must makes something for you for the Winter Moon Celebration."

"While I appreciate the offer, Rarity, I would rather swallow a live grenade whilst taking a napalm enema."

"Too bad, your coming with me."

"Do I need to remind you about what happened the first tiiIIII-" Rarity had already grabbed Kobold by his feet with her telekinesis. She tugged him in the direction of the boutique.

"SOMEONE, ANYONE, HELP MEEEEEEE."

Kobold began to claw at the ground when they left his office. Then he stuck his head into the snow, hoping that it would knock him out. Giving up, Kobold looked to the sky to see Rainbow Dash flying about.

"Dash, please, help me, she's tryin' to make me something formal." He said the last work with disgust.

"Sorry, bud. As much as I don't go for fancy clothes, you're on your own."

Kobold face shaped into one of surprise, shock, questioning, and a little bit of anger.

Rarity continued to drag Kobold towards the boutique. He had begun to resist more, so it appeared as if she was dragging him along with some form of invisible rope, clearly straining.

"Stop. Resisting. I am going to make you a suit and you are going to like it. Rarity Directive 274."

"You're forgetting Kobold Directive 596 which clearly states 'no way in hell, you white, magic bitch'."

"Oh, shut up."

After about ten minutes of complaining and dragging, they reached the boutique. Rarity brought Kobold inside...

And strapped him down to the nearest couch.

Kobold struggled all he could, but in the end, her magic was too strong for him. After about half an hour of resistance, he gave up. "Okay, okay, I give up. But now that I think of it, you shouldn't have anything in human size. Or shape."

"Not a problem, dearie. I can get your measurements and make something posthaste."

Please, anyone, anyTHING, kill me now.

Rarity took his measurements and left the room, coming back with about ten racks of pony wear. "Choose a design you like, and I can make a one fit for a human king."

Kobold, realizing that there was absolutely no way out of this, sighed and scanned through the racks.

"No."

"Nah."

"Nope."

"Nada."

"Oh heeeeeeeell no."

"Just kill me please."

"Doesn't need to be quick."

"I'll take a cup of gasoline and a match."

"Can of hairspray?"

When they got to the last rack, Rarity had begun to think that Kobold was just messing with her to get out of this. Then Kobold spotted something...quite interesting amongst the racks.

A black tuxedo with a blood red tie and black dress pants.

"Wait a second, Rare, I see something I like."

"Oh, finally, what is it?"

He pointed at the tux.

"Very well, I should have it done by tomorrow. Until then, continue with your normal day."

Kobold practically ran outside, and looked to the sky, a look of pure freedom on his face. FINALLY, I'M FREE OF THAT NIGHTMARE! And I got free shit out of it.

Kobold walked back to his office and resumed the day as it was.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
The Next Day
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Rarity knocked on the door, newly made and freshly laundered tuxedo along with a full sized body mirror large enough for Kobold. Kobold opened the door.

"Ah, Rarity, I see my suit is done."

"Yes it is, Kobold, now if you'll just let me-"

"WOWOWOWOWOW. What the hell are you doing?"

"Changing you into the suit, dear. Why?"

"Okay, human society 101, a woman does not take the pants off a man unless she means business."

"What ever could you...Oh..." Rarity's cheeks became a deep shade of crimson red.

"Just give me the damn suit." He grabbed the suit, walking into his bedroom, and changed into the tux. He walked into his office and looked into the mirror.

The best words he could use to describe himself is 'dashing rouge'. For the first time he could remember, he felt GOOD in formal wear.

"Yes, yes, excellent stitch work. Perfect fit. How much will this cost."

"Nothing, Kobold, consider it a gift."

"Free suit? Holy damn, thanks!"

"Not a problem" Rarity left, leaving Kobold alone with his tux.

"Well, I don't normally-ah, fuck it, I NEVER go for formal, but something about this suit..."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
2 Days Later
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

It was the day of the Winter Moon Celebration. Kobold had gotten confirmation on the bodyguard job, and was currently waiting for the princesses to arrive, wearing his suit and of course his bag.

He checked the time "5:59, they should be here riiiiiiight abooouuuutt...now." The royal gold-and-velour chariot came into view, drawn by the royal pegasus guards. It stopped next to Kobold. He breidly bowed and looked back to the princesses. "Pardon, but if I may ask, is that REAL velour?"

Celestia responded "Why yes, it is real velour. Why do you ask?"

"No reason, just asking."

"Very well, then."

Kobold escorted the royal twosome into town, were the preparations were nearly complete. Colorful lights dangled from every household, along with a variety of streamers. Probobly the work of Pinkie.

Kobold brought the princesses to the middle of the town, were a large, wooden, elevated platform with a podium awaited. They trotted (Kobold walked, of course) onto the platform and waited for the ponies to gather. Kobold pulled out a red folding chair. Unfolding it, he found a nice place to put it down and sat in it.

"Welcome," Celestia announced "fillies and gentlecolts. And Kobold."

"Yo."

As Celestia continued to talk, Kobold tuned her out. He didn't view it as important, so he scanned the area for any threats. At every small movement, he flicked his head toward it.

About ninty percent of the time, it was just a pony shuffling or adjusting themselves. The other ten was someone yawning. But hey, if your going to do a bodyguard job, might as well do it right.

Kobold felt a gust of wind on his back. He turned his head around to see something on the ground. It appeared spherical, but Kobold couldn't make out the details.

He got up and walked over to the object. Upon closer inspection, it appeared to be an...eye of some sort. A big, bloodshot, blue eye with bloody tendrils out the back, just a little bit bigger than his palm. Kobold couldn't make heads or tails on what this was, but there was one thing he did know for sure.

The eye looked very, VERY suspicious.

Kobold raised the eye to the sky to see if he could gleen some more information on it. In the background, Celestia was wrapping up her speech. "And now, my sister, Princess Luna, shall raise the moon and commence the festivities." And just like that, the sun was lowered and the moon was raised.

And Kobold immediately regretted his decision to pick up the eye.

It began to vibrate wildly, to the point were Kobold had to let go of the eye. But gravity didn't effect it. It just floated in the air, then it began to move, turning itself toward the Everfree Forest and darted off into the forest. "What in hell's n-argh." Kobold grunted as the information of the creature entered his mind. But instead of knowing what it does, like with SCP-096, merely a name popped into his head

But that was all he needed to know.

A deep, booming voice echoed from the forest, announcing the coming of the creature

"The Eye Of Cthulu has awoken."

This caused panic amongst the crowd to say the least. Kobold pulled out the black tablet and said "Terraria Official Sound Track: Boss1. Play 'till this fucker's dead" A loud, frenetic tune began to play.

Kobold reached for his pistols, but was knocked to the side, separating him from his bag. He got up and tried to get his bag back...

But about five eyes that looked exactly like suspicious looking eye, except they were half as large, had already procured his bag and were carting it off.

He tried to blink towards them, but got hit again by one of them.

By the time he recovered, the eyes had already left, his bag in tow.

Okay, okay. I have to deal with an army of flying eyes using nothing but my fists and...a folding chair.

Kobold looked back at the crowd to see that the eyes had begun to swarm over the crowd, occasionally diving to hit a denizen. Kobold ran up onto the platform, grabbed his folding chair, folded it back up, and faced the princesses. "Get everyone to safety. I'll distract them and buy you time."

"Your going to hold them off? With a folding chair?" Celestia questioned.

Turning around and holding the chair at the legs, Kobold saw three eyes approaching. He killed the first with a downward swing, batted the second to the side, and kicked the third to pieces.

"Yes, yes I am."

Luna added to the conversation. "We are not letting you fight alone." Both Luna and Celestia began firing magic lazers from their horns into the cloud of eyes. Luna's lazers were able to decimate the army. Celestia's...

Couldn't do jack shit. They bounced harmlessly off the eyes, just like they did with the Glutton.

Kobold had already formulated a plan. "Celestia, get the citizens to the library. Luna and I'll hold 'em off."

"But-"

"GO GO GO."

"This way, my little ponies." Celestia reluctantly agreed. "I'll get you to safety."

Kobold faced the swirling army of eyes in front of him. It was just him, a folding chair, a night goddess, and the space in between.

A small group of about ten eyes departed from the swarm. Luna fired off more lazers, killing most of them, but a few made it past. Kobold batted these aside with the folding chair. Swift movement from left to right quickly dispatched the advancers. When this group was dead, Kobold noticed something.

The eyes dropped bits.

For every eye they killed, one bit came out of the corpse. The physics of this boggled Kobold's mind. But he counted his blessing and decided to pick them up later.

Luna and Kobold began to advance toward the swirling army. The eyes continuously batted them from both sides. Kobold smashed them aside with his chair while Luna blasted them away with her lazers.

When they were directly underneath the army, the constant attacks became much more aggressive. The eyes came in groups of five for each attack. Kobold continued to bat them aside, and Luna continued blasting them away.

After about five minutes of fighting, the army dissipated into no more than six eyes. The remaining enemies fled into the Everfree Forest.

"Huzzah!" Luna yelled

"Victory!"

But there was one thing that Kobold found questioning.

The music was still playing.

If he had set it right, the music should've stop playing when the battle was over. Unless...

Kobold heard loud rustling coming from the forest. He squinted to see if he could spot the enormous fucking eye at least five times larger than him heading straight toward them.

It phased through the trees like some form of spectre, followed by the remaining smaller eyes. Aside from the enormous size, it was exactly the same as the smaller ones.

"THAT. Does NOT look good."

"Woowaaah." The giant eye, presumably the Eye of Cthulu, roared from an unidentified source. It charged toward Kobold and Luna. "Oh no, you don't." Kobold blinked towards the top of the Eye...

Only to be smacked off two seconds later by the smaller eyes.

"Ow." Kobold blinked over to Luna. "Aight, new plan. Cover me while I'm on top of it. Shoot down the small eyes before they hit me. Okay?"

"Okay."

Kobold blinked back on top of the Eye. This time, Luna shot down the smaller eyes before they could knock Kobold off. He sat down in a mounting-form of position and did the single most ridiculous thing he could have done in the situation.

He wailed on the Eye with his chair like a madman.

"I am wailing on the Eye of Cthulu with a folding chair. All arguments are invalid."

The Eye attempted to shake Kobold off by charging at a building.

"aaaaaaaaAAAAAAHHH."

Kobold smashed face first onto the building while the Eye phased through it.

"Oooooooowwwwwwwwww." Kobold groaned as he slid down the wall of the building.

"Okay, wailing on it with the folding chair doesn't seem to be overly effective. I wonder..." Kobold pulled the folding chair apart into two separate pieces, jagged enough to be weilded as weapons.

"That's MUCH more intelligent."

The Eye phased through the building and charged Kobold. He blinked on top of it again and diced it with his dual chair cleavers. The Eye flew around in circles to shake Kobold off again.

It was unsuccessful to say the least.

Kobold continued to slice into the Eye's eyeball flesh. After about a minute of this continuous process, the Eye stopped all movement. This sudden stop flung Kobold off the Eye and onto the ground. "Ow." Kobold remarked.

The Eye of Cthulu began to rotate, top to bottom, at an increasing pace. After a total of three seconds of spinning, the iris of the Eye exploded, revealing a mouth lined with razor sharp teeth.

"Wooowaaaaah." It roared again.

"Oh, fuck all kinds of duck."

The Eye looked towards Kobold and dashed toward him. He blinked out of the way, but it turned and dashed again with impossible speed. Kobold blinked again, and it turned again. He blinked again, but this time, it just floated around, poised to strike at any time.

In the distance, Luna was firing off more lazers at the Eye. It took its attention off of Kobold and charged toward Luna.

"Oh no, you don't, ya big, Illuminatic bastard."

Kobold blinked directly next to Luna, and tackled her out of the Eye's path. It phased through the ground, but got back up and hovered near the two. Kobold got himself up off the ground and faced the bloodshot bastard.

"You have just brought all KINDS of hurt and pain upon yourself."

Kobold grabbed his cleavers and spun the around in a badass manner. He stopped, one cleaver pointed up and one pointed down.

"It's time to kick ass or chew bubble gum. And I'm all outta gum."

Kobold jumped toward the Eye as it charged, getting on top of it yet again. With renewed strength, he slashed away at the Eye with powerful strikes. The Eye thrashed uselessly against the cleavers. Kobold continued to slash away at the Eye until it landed. He jumped off and readied his cleavers above the Eye.

"Welcome, to the DOMINATANING."

Kobold brought down the cleavers, cause the Eye to miraculously explode in a rain of various eye gore. He let out a sigh of relief, seeing that the creature was finally dead.

Looking through the wreakage, Kobold found two things. His bag and a paper. Hmm, eyes must've brought the bag to it. He picked up his bag and grabbed the paper. On it was written 'HELP ME' with the 'ME' lightly underlined. Kobold turned the paper over to find one simple word.

Tentacles.

The paper went through its normal disintegration shtick, Kobold feeling the surge of energy. "Hmm, nothing seemed to be broken this time, just some bruises from falling. And the eyes. And the building."

"Kobold," said Luna, "you saved my life."

"What else are friends for?" He retorted.

"True. I noticed you picked up something from the corpse of...what was it?"

"The Eye of Cthulu."

"Yes, that. What did you pick up?"

"The last two creatures I've killed dropped a similar paper. It had some writing on it. That's how I'm able to blink. The papers give me powers. The last thing I killed dropped 'blink'. This one appears to have given me tentacles. How I'm able to use it is anyone's guess. Tends to happen soon afterwords, though."

"Interesting... So, what now?"

"We should probably clean up the mess. And gather the bits. No one needs to know about these. I get double pay."

"Okay."

She agreed to that waaaaaay to easily.

Author's Note

Feels good to get another chapter down. I've been planning that scene with Rarity and Kobold for a week now. And, if anyone with brains was paying attention, it becomes obvious that this fanfic isn't going to be strictly creepypasta/SCP enemies. I'm bringing in some game bosses as well.

This isn't to say that I won't be using creepypasta/SCP enemies. In fact, I've got an idea for an upcoming chap-WOAH, almost gave it away.

Also, as a side thing to promote rereading, I have inserted two random references from now canceled shows that I'm fairly certain no one got. Your job is to find these references, give the name of the shows, and the people who said it. The reward?

A seventy inch, plasma wide screen TV

With Netflix.

No 3D. That's a stupid fucking gimmick and everyone knows it.

P.S. That's not the reference. However if no one gets the references, either this one or the inserted ones, I need to get a life.

And a girl.

And friends.

Fun fact: this may come as a surprise to most, given my random nature and humorous writing style, (I don't think I'm that funny.) But Pinkie is my least favorite character. Too damn happy, too damn sociable, too damn naive, that's why.