Paul Bass: Loser Extraordinaire

Slowly my senses returned to me; taste, smell, hearing, sight in that order so you can guess what my reaction was when I smelt sulphur, tasted cotton candy and heard someone scarily chirpy say

"Twilight can I throw his party now?" and then as my sight returned I could see the pink pony with cotton candy-esque mane standing above me staring at my eyes I Locked up, glazed over and tried and figure out what is going on and thankfully I started to recollect the previous day's happenings before I acted.

"Pinkie get off of my chest please." I say still feeling kind of scared at the revelation that a completely pink pony who isn't in the right proportions is sitting on me, let alone one that can TALK. She nods and hops off of me

"Okie-dokie-loki." She said before turning to Twilight, smiling an unnaturally large smile and then leaving. Lifting my hand to rub my face I hear Twilight say to me,

"Paul, the Princesses wanted me to tell you that they wanted to talk to you."

"Any idea what about?" I ask

"Probably something to do with the fact that you are the first... of... your..." she replied with a starry look in her eyes near the end of the sentence.

"First of my what?" I ask before a regal looking white, Alicorn if I know my greek mythos correctly, followed by a bluish one both with manes that blew in a non existent ethereal wind the white alicorn with a pastel blue, green and pink combo while the bluish one with a almost black mane with white spots that glistened, and asstoos representing the sun [on the white alicorn] and a moon [on the bluish one] entered and looked at me. "Oh, hello."

"Paul! Do you know who that is?" Twilight screams down my ear in obvious fear of what I had just said

"The princesses maybe?" I answer with a non too fazed look on my face. My reply causing Twilight to nod slowly, "Huh, Let me rephrase what I have just said then. *Ahem* Oh, hello your highnesses." I say with a blank look on my face still. Twilight just sits down and gulps

"Hello to you Paul Bass my name is Princess Celestia and this is my sister Princess Luna" Celestia explains

"And we believe Thou shouldn’t hold thine tongue for we do not take kindly to being spoken to in such a manner!" Luna says to me with anger in her eyes. Not that I cared.

"And why shouldn't I talk to you like I would any one else? What makes you so special other than a title?" I ask while doing an impression of Spock's eyebrow thingie

"Well... er... we... I..." Luna stammers out quite taken aback by my comment "We are the rulers of this land that is what makes us so special!"

"Yes... But that makes you special in only one way, you have to make sure everything goes smoothly for the citizens of this land. Other than that you are no different from even the lowest pers-pony on the list!" I say with a small stare. 'Luna' and I continue this form of staring match for a few more moments before Twilight speaks up

"Okay... well now that we know who we all are how about we discuss why the Princesses are here?"

"Yes Twilight I think we shall." Says Celestia before she turns to me "Can you please explain how you got here?"

"Well I was walking down my street towards my aunt's old house when my neighbor ran out of his house calling at me to go and kill myself, like usual, and then started to throw stones from his mother's rockery at me. So having had enough of being bullied every day of my life by everyone even my parents I shouted to him 'Hey dick-wad leave me alone for once in your sad life! Have you got nothing better to do than to bully someone else?' before he jumped me and started to beat me again and again until I felt something crunch inside my chest-" the ponies at this point looked both depressed and grossed out at this "- and finally called me a freak because my parents had told me multiple times in public mind you that I was an accident and they didn't want me before landing a few more punches on my chest and a kick to finish off before walking away. I then passed out woke up here in front of her. She can tell you the rest I'm too tired." I say indicating to Twilight. the group of them just staring at me slacked jawed probably at the nonchalant way I told them how I get bullied so often.

"Um... wow..." Twilight says before walking over to me and putting her hoof on my hand "I'm sorry you've been through so much..."

"Oh that's nothing you should have seen my sweet 16, god that was a lot of blood." I say before shaking the memory from my head.

"Let's get down to business then shall we?" Celestia says with a grimace "I would like to know what you would like to do now." She asks me making me consider my life on earth and how much I hated it. The only two people who were nice to me were my father [on occasion when he wasn't drunk] and my Aunt Pauline, so I realized I could have died there in the street but I am here now and I have a second chance on a world where everyone who is a complete stranger to me was instantly nice and didn't know any of the cruel thing that happened to me back on Earth. I could finally be happy.

"I... I would like to stay here if that's alright with you?" I say with more hope in my voice than I wanted

"That would be alright with me Paul, Luna?"

"We see no reason not to sister, although he does need to learn more respect for us both-"

"Hang on a second I have a bloody good reason to not have respect for royalty on my world I met The Queen on a school trip to Buckingham Palace and I met Prime Minister Shag Carpeting! Not only did they have no respect for any of the people who weren't rich they also tried to blame the poor for everything that went wrong! So you tell me, should I have a high opinion for those in political power?"

"No I guess not.” Celestia sighed before turning to Luna and then back to me “Well when you get out of the hospital let me know.” she finishes before disappearing in a flash of blinding white light along with her sister but in a more bluish light. Turning to Twilight I say

“What now?”

“Well the doctor told me before I entered here to see Pinkie staring at you that you should be able to leave today as he could see nothing wrong with you.”

“Eh?”

“What?”

“Nothing wrong with me?” I ask “But I should have scars from where my neighbor threw stones at me and I was beaten by him I should have bruises But I don’t… Why?”

“I don’t know… I’ll go get the doctor see if he can explain this.” and with that she left only to come back in a few moments later with a brown stallion with a black mane who was wearing a form of white lab coat and a floating clipboard surrounded with a shimmering orange aura same as his horn This must be their magic or something after examining me for about six or seven minutes he turned to Twilight

“Hm it seems he came in with a few cuts and bruises but it seems they have all disappeared.”

“We noticed what I brought you here for was to tell us how.” She explained for me. The doctor pony turned to face me and said

“Well I’d say the way the cuts have healed and the way the bruises have disappeared he has some kind of accelerated healing.”

“Wait let me check something.” I say startling the doc as I lift my hand up and close it into a fist. “Nope no ‘Shink’ or blades… that’s both good and disappointing.” Saying that earns me a couple of confused looks to which I just shrug and ask “So does that mean i can leave?”

“Well yes… I don’t see why not I mean you are in pretty good health he said before turning to Twilight and whispering something that I only just caught “He is very strange looking for a Diamond Dog.”

“The bloody hell’s a Diamond Dog?” I enquired while looking at them both for a few seconds before Twilight started to explain.

“Well, you see Diamond Dogs are a form of…” I tuned her discription out because one I didn’t care and two I thought I saw a rainbow outside but when I turned to see, it was gone “...With a form of four digit paw, and are you even listening?”

“Hm? Oh yeah I was listening.” I say without turning away from the window. I was infact not listening, instead focusing on the large cloud too close to the ground with a small bit of rainbow sticking off the edge

“Paul if you want to leave you have to fill in this form.” The doctor pony said to me getting my attention then passing a clipboard with two sheets of paper and a quill to me. The form read,

I _________________ (Name of patient) hereby release Ponyville General Hospital (Name of hospital) from liability following my treatment as per terms of this release agreement.

Name of patient: Paul Bass

Date: 2nd October 6892

Patient’s signature:____________________

Hospital stamp:

Guessing that I had to fill in the obvious blanks [that I can fill in] so I did so before handing back the clipboard and unstrapping myself from the machines and the doctor removing my IV chord and placing a plaster over it, I muttered a thanks then I turned to Twilight

“So… To the princesses?”

“No that can wait until tomorrow for now I’d like to take you to Sweet Apple Acres.” She said with a sly smile

“No.” I say with a deadpan

“Wha- what?” She asks with a look of confusion

“No, Pinkie said she was going to throw me a party, I hate parties.”

“Wha- what?” She asks again making me just deadpan harder Deadpanning intensifies

“I. Hate. Parties. You can go and be with your friends but I’m going to wait outside.”

“I understand, I think. But we need to go in for at least a couple of minutes.” She almost whimpers to me

“Fine.” I sighed “However I will ‘enjoy’ this party how I like to okay?”

“I don't see anything wrong with that…” she asks probably confused about my last statement before she shrugs it off and leads me out of the hospital room and down a long grey/blue hallway with white crossbeams as decoration webbing across the walls, the top half of the wall from the ceiling to a couple of inches down was a brown color, and the floor hada carpet the same color as the walls and the ceiling. We passed a few rooms and a table with a potted plant on it. One of them, only one potted plant in a hallway which has taken us at least five minutes to walk down. We carried on walking for a few more minutes until I literally bumped into a doctor with a name badge on

"I'm very sorry doctor... Elbow Deep?" he looked quite startled and then he looked at Twilight sighed and turned to me again

"It's quite alright" although his voice was shaky he had composed himself quite well. It was then I noticed he had a glove designed to fit a hoof around one hoof and in the other he held what looked like a little rubber sna- And blush

"Um... what are you a doctor of exactly?" I ask hoping to not have offended him in any way.

"I'm a Gynecologist why?" I had to suppress a laugh until he just gave me a funny look and walked away, then I burst out laughing

Not long later we come to a door which leads to the room I recognised from my ‘incident’ with illogical and impossible things which I still am doubting are real, otherwise known as the hospital's waiting room. After a few funny looks, a bit of paperwork and a few crying babies [foals?] we left the hospital.

Approaching ‘Sweet Apple acres’ I saw something that must have been impossible to harvest, an apple orchard that stretched further than the eye can see.

“Twilight, If this is a ‘surprise’ party please tell me now.” I say with a dead serious look on my face.

“Well when Pinkie was eavesdropping and she found out you could leave she said it was supposed to be why?”

“Go in there and tell them not to jump out and yell surprise.” I say with a deadpan this might be my new permanent expression at this rate.

“Why?” she asks with a silly smile

“Even if I know it’s coming I have an adverse natural reaction to people, or in this case ponies, jumping out of no where in front of me and shouting ‘surprise’ or ‘boo’.

“Everypony does it’s called surprise.” Twilight explains with a giggle

“Not like that.” I elaborate looking to the side sadly “I… hope you don’t find out…”

“Oh…” She starts obviously worried about me for some reason. “I'll go tell them.” and with that she jogs ahead to a barn to tell what I told her to tell [hopefully].