At first I thought I was just having one of my psychotic moments. Out here in the wastes, you can often get quite bored with the bleak landscape; soaked with blood and stained with all kinds of insanity.

“OH-MY-GOSH! OH-MY-GOSH!” With a gasp, Pinkie Pie bounced merrily around the feet of Krieg, completely ecstatic that she had once again found herself in a position to finally meet a brand new—uh, whatever the hell he is.

Pausing mid flight during a leap of excitement, Pinkie Pie gave the odd looking creature wearing even stranger clothes with a certain look of suspicion that displayed an ounce of distrust, mostly due to his outlandish appearance.

“You’re not something that’s going to eat us, right? Because we have been kind of getting that a lot around here lately and to be honest? I reallllllllly don’t think anypony will be too happy to hear about it happening again.”

But my mind has never once constructed a scenario where a brightly dyed little equine is suspecting me of being a ‘creature’ that will potentially devour her.

It’s official. I have lost my fucking mind.

“Hey?” Pinkie Pie had come down from her gravity defying levitation to cautiously approach the very silent, very strange looking thing wearing a mask with what seems to be some kind of device, she suspected Twilight Sparkle would be very interested in examining. “Are you okay?”

After all, she couldn’t tell if the creature was smiling underneath that thing. But there were ways of fixing that.

It is times like these I tell myself not to entertain the delusion; but this one in particular? It’s almost amusing. I should say hello, at the very least. She… he? Is being quite pleasantly concerned for my well being.

Say something a sane person would be pleased to hear, but for the love God, please, please don’t—

“I SHALL SQUEEZE YOUR NECK UNTIL YOUR EYES POP OUT OF THE SKULL!” Krieg clenched his fist and shook it violently before his face before thumping his chest wildly. “THEN I SHALL DRINK FROM THE ORIFICES!”

—scream something like that.

Every, time… why do I have to say such things like that?

Pinkie Pie had by this point shrank back in terror at the sudden outburst of the tall, fleshy colored thing, her ears flat against her head. “O-o-okie dokie pokie… lokie? U-uh… I’ll take that, as a no? Um… maybe if you just tried… smiling, it’ll make everything alright?”

Krieg turned away, placing a hand to his face.

You idiot.

This pony is merely an innocent creature. A pure soul by the sounds of it and you just went and practically announced you were going to drink from her skull like some barbarian.

“H-hey, I know what!” Pinkie Pie perked a little bit, doing her best to smile and fight away the fear with a little giggle. “How about I go get my friends and we throw one big party all just for you? Our brand new friend to arrive here in Ponyville. Sure you’re a little loud and a little freaky looking, but we do have the Lord of Chaos himself as one of our closest friends too, so… I think that means you are also a good candidate for the position!”

I’m… touched… to think that even now this pony is willing to introduce me to her friends.

It is almost inconceivable.

This has to be my mind, attempting to make an escape by fashioning an all too perfect world with talking, tiny horses.

Perhaps I should had been writing children’s novels before everything went to shit, if my mind conjure such a unique fantasy.

With a tear slipping through his mask’s eye hole, Krieg trembled on the spot as he turned about to face Pinkie Pie. “MY EYE IS LEAKING LIKE THE DECAPITATED HEAD OF A WORM LIKE YOU!”

“OH! I have gummy worms! This is perfect! I’ll go make the preparations and I’ll buy a TON of gummy worms for you. Great! Sweet! Now don’t be late! It’ll be over at Princess Twilight Sparkle’s sparkly castle; she has SO much room now we can practically invite the entire town in on this super amazing party! I can introduce you and everything! Does eight o’clock sound good? Great, see you then!”

And with that, Krieg was left to his own devices, dumbfounded as the pony before him brandished a canon from seemingly out of nowhere, climbed into it and shot herself high in the sky, heading into the general direction of Sugarcube Corner before Krieg could say or do anything else.

Don’t question it. I’m beginning believe there is no hope for me, after all.

______________________________________

“—andhewasastallPrincessCelestia; he talked really loud and he—”

“Alright, alright, Pinkie! We get it. So… where in the hay is he… she… it.” Applejack looked about the area as the entire mane six awaited outside the doors of Princess Twilight Sparkle’s new home, guests already arriving in a steady stream.

“Well, I am excited to meet this creature. You said he spoke Equestrian, right?” Twilight blinked at Pinkie Pie, her interest piqued ever since Pinkie had first mentioned him.

“Yep! He seems a bit violent, but I think this super awesome, special welcome party I have thrown for him, this will be the bestest party I ever did partied ever. I’m sure he’ll love it.” Pinkie Pie clapped her hooves together excitedly. “I can’t wait for him to see the gummy worm cake I have baked for him.”

“A… gummy worm cake?” Rainbow Dash lifted an eyebrow. “That sound’s… really weird.”

“I don’t know,” Fluttershy whispered, “it sound’s kind of nice to me…”

“To be honest darlings,” Rarity sighed, “I am not too sure that this creature or whatever it is, is all that normal to begin with, if I judge correctly from Pinkie Pie’s observations.”

From the stream of ponies, one particular arrival breaks away and advances upon the group.

“Hey, um, Twilight,” Flash Sentry blushed a shade of red as he approached, noting Twilight’s shock with a little bit of amusement. “I’m sorry I came uninvited but, I thought maybe I could… I mean we could… hang out?”

Twilight stammered over her words as she looked back to her friends, all of whom but Pinkie Pie returned her glance with all too knowing grins, while Pinkie was just grinning manically anyway from the get-go.

Finally summoning her courage, she looked back at the embarrassed state of Flash Sentry as he awkwardly shifted on his hooves, trying his best to not attain eye contact with the Princess.

“S-sure,” Twilight the unfaithful waifu took a step forward towards Flash, “I’d love to—”

Interrupted, Flash Sentry explodes into a over budgeted shower of gore as body parts went flying in all directions, blood smothering Twilight’s stunned and gawking face while the other girls were in a similar predicament... expect Pinkie Pie, who had magically manifested a black umbrella again from nowhere, which thankfully had managed to block most of the red shower of the gory bits that was once Flash Sentry.

Rainbow Dash hyperventilated to the point she passed out, unfortunately crushing the still beating heart of that now cold dead bastard, while Applejack wretched into her hooves. Rarity had fainted outright, a contorted look of absolute horror forever stitched on her unconscious form while Fluttershy had quite literally jumped out of her skin, killing her instantly.

Roaring like a beast from Tartarus itself, Krieg had arrived, his meat bicycle perfectly parked where Flash Sentry once had stood, dressed in a fabulous white tuxedo now somewhat speckled with crimson, a trail of steam rose from a portion of Flash Sentry’s lower intestine that was now quite impossibly pulsing on his shoulder.

“I AM HERE FOR THE CARNAGE!” Krieg announced as he withdrew his weapon from the holster on his meat bicycle, shaking off the blood that had soaked it.

You complete idiot. You just ran one of them over! Say something… say thing! Wait a minute... didn't he just practically explode upon impact? That should be physically impossible! Why can't even my delusions obey the laws of physics.

“IS THIS THE BLOOD ORGY I WAS PROMISED?”

For the love of fucking God… why does this keep happening to me? Say something normal!

Anything!

“I mean... thank you... f-for inviting me…” A tear slipped down Krieg’s face, once more touched by the gesture of these imaginary ponies. “NOW FEED ME YOUR FOOD OR I WILL FLAIL IT FROM YOUR FLESH!” To make a point, Krieg slowly dragged the blunt side of his weapon against his throat.

It was at this point that Pinkie Pie hovered over to him, still smiling. “That was beautiful. I’ve so wanted to do that for a while now.”

Author's Note

This chapter’s unlucky winners are: The_Lone_Wanderer and Shadow of the Night for their suggestion of the Meat Bicycle! And Ayin Apholion for suggesting Flash Sentry being a target.

I regret nothing. I enjoyed this one too much.

Total Death Count Thus Far: 4
Unaccounted Death Count: Fuck knows.

Who's next for the chopping block? How will they die? Offer your suggestions and I will pick one, two, or maybe even THREE if I feel like I can somehow blend them altogether.

Leave your suggestions below!