Prince Blueblood dabbed his lips with a napkin as he looked across the candle lit table towards his very ravishing date. His truffled salad of lettuce, tomatoes and a dressing of aioli was perhaps of suitable standard for the restaurant he had taken her to, but had expected a far superior service.

With a clap of his hooves, a waiter appeared as if he had been standing there the entire time.

With his snobbish Canterlotian accent, Blueblood regarded the waiter with a frown. “The salad… it was very bland. The aioli clearly had not the correct amount of garlic and the truffles clearly were of a cheaper variety than what I am used to. Please, do take it away, it disgusts with me its mediocrity.”

“Very good, Sir.” Taking the half eaten plate of salad, the waiter turned to regard the young mare to which the stallion was courting this evening. “And is the salad to your satisfaction, M’am?”

Maud Pie lifted her dead eyed gaze up from the empty plate. “Yes. But I think it needs texture.”

Prince Blueblood scoffed, indicating a hoof to Maud Pie as he addressed the waiter, clearly outraged. “See?! A substandard salad if I do say myself! What would you suggest my dear to increase the standard of this vile plate of leaves not fit to be consumed by the upper class?”

Maud Pie stared across the table to Prince Blueblood. “Needs more limestone. Granite, maybe. I like a salad on the rocks.”

“I agree! This salad would look far superior on say a slate, or perhaps a thin slice of black marble colour contrast!”

The waiter rolled his eyes. “I will bring your the soup course, M’am, Sir.” With a lift of his chin, the waiter trotted away with both plates in tow.

“My word, Miss Pie I have never felt such excitement on a day of courtship before. You are perhaps the most interesting and most educated mare I have ever met.” Blueblood looked dreamily across the table, reaching a hoof across to place it on top of Maud Pie’s own.

“Thank you.” Maud Pie replied her usual monotonous tone that better fitted to a soulless machine than somepony of the Pie family. “You are okay, too.”

“Miss Pie, would it be too early in our relationship to ask your hoof in marriage?” Blueblood dropped to his hind knees beside the table, just as the waiter returned to set down the soup spoons for the next course.

Maud Pie blinked slowly down at Blueblood, her mouth slightly agape, though showing little to no sign of emotion. “I am sorry. But I am in love with someone else.”

Blueblood paled, standing up in a swirl of anger. “Who is this villainous cur that hath taken your heart?”

Maud Pie shook her head. “His name is Boulder. He is my rock.”

“Your rock, you say?!” Taking up the soup spoon in his magic, Blueblood swiped at the air with it, vexed beyond all moral compass. “Well, then I will fight for your hoof, my dear! Show me this rapscallion so that I may show him skill and expertise in the art of the spoon!”

Maud Pie took Boulder from seemingly nowhere, placing the heavy rock upon the table. “Please, do not fight of me.” She droned. “I am not worth it.”

Blueblood directed the spoon towards Boulder. “Engarde, you vile sediment! I will chip away at your defenses with my agility and grace until there is nothing left!”

“Oh. No.” Maud placed her hooves around Boulder. “Please don’t hurt each other. I love you both. I cannot choose. Oh. No.”

“Please, my dear! Stand back!” Thrusting a hoof to push Maud away, Blueblood launched a vicious swing towards Boulder’s - uh - face, striking it with enough force to send the rock hurtling across the restaurant at high speed, inadvertently killing several ponies as it penetrated several pony's bodies, even going far as popping a few heads in a gorey explosion that was directed by Michael Bay and George A. Romero’s lovechild.

Maud stood up. “Boulder. Oh no. What have you done? I loved him. So very much. We have exactly 139,377 pebbles together. What will they do without their Father?”

“But why have that stiff when you can have this ravishing specimen of Equine sophistication?” Blueblood announced, posing atop of the table for good measure.

From the wreckage of bodies came something unexpected.

Including an announcer and an all too familiar theme tune.

“OH MY GAWD! OH MY GAWD! IT’S THE RAWK! THE RAWK IS HERE!”

The ripped humanoid stood up from the aftermath of Blueblood’s onslaught, his ripped muscles rippling with even MORE muscles as he lifted The People’s Eyebrow, his sun glassed gaze directing left, and then right, and then back again to make the crowd go wild.

“THE MOST ELECTRIFYING MAN IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT TODAY! OH MAH GAWD!”

Hoisting the WWEF microphone, The People’s Champion brought his lips to the microphone, the music and the cheering dying away as if to allow this Adonis to speak.

“Finally… The Rock HAS COME BACK… to… Canterlot.” With a flick of his head left and then right, he raised once more The People’s Eyebrow, much to the cheer of the crowd to which Blueblood was still looking around the restaurant to find.

At this point most of the other diners had fled.

“Who in Discord’s beard are you?” Blueblood blinked.

Maud approached The Rock. “Please calm down.”

Lifting a hand to silence Maud, The Rock took a few steps over the corpses of a few diners to approach the table mounted Blueblood.

“The Rock, hears that you think yourself a fine ravishing specimen of Equine superiority—The Rock has heard, that you think yourself, sophisticated and dashing. The Rock asks you this - I said The Rock asks you a simple question, jabroni, what is it that makes you think you are better than The Rock?”

“Well, for starters—”

“IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!” The Rock pulled back the microphone, socking it under Blueblood chin as with a sweep of his arm he Rock Bottomed Blueblood’s candy ass straight through the table.

Next, he picked up the spoon.

Beating Blueblood’s head with it until his skull caved in on itself.

This process took a full half a day, but eventually when Blueblood was finally dead, The Rock took Maud up in his arms, whistled loud and in through the window crashed a giant white rabbit, to which was saddled and ready for The People’s Champion, whom swiftly whisked away Maud Pie and himself into the sunset.

Author's Note

This chapter’s unlucky winners are: Birdy Love for the spoon idea, Shadow of the Night for the inclusion of 139,377 rocks and The_Lone_Wanderer for Blueblood and a white rabbit concept.

The Rock coming in was just a pun I had to do.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SEE NEXT?! Comment in the section below goddamnit and I will choose a few and write something around it!

If I can.

I probably will.