CODE ORCHID

I flipped the helmet down and slipped a new spark battery into the sander. Orchid watched close, huffing and breathing heavily through her nose. "Feels good to breathe again."

I revved the sander a bit and turned to her. "Sure. Now where did you want this?" I held the sander up and looked her up and down. "Ah, I see." I hooked it onto my belt and walked towards her hoof. Her horn was covered in bumps and such. She let me stand in her hoof and lifted me up to her head. I pulled the sander up into place as I walked through her strange mane. It was still rather waxy, but it looked more like a normal mane outside of the water. "Hey Orchid...."

"What?"

I blasted off a barnacle and sent it into a mushy pile in her mane. "The ocean is fucking gross."

Orchid grunted. "I know.... The land is gross too." She dug at the beach. "Crabs everywhere."

I nodded and went to work clearing her horn of blemishes. "So how your plates feel?"

Orchid groaned softly and laid in the sand. "Better. Still itchy."

I stopped for a bit and looked over to the pile of shed plates from her hooves and nose. "Yeah...your back is gonna be the problem. Might need some help with those." Orchid huffed and wiggled in place. "It's alright Sweetie, you're a big girl--"

"No--"

"Okay then...I know that huff." I stopped with the sander and walked towards her muzzle. I hurried off and dropped down into the sand. "The sex thing?"

Orchid laid down and pulled a dune's worth of sand over her face. She poked her mouth out the pile of sand and huffed. "I don't know...I feel all hot sometimes."

I frowned hard and flipped my mask up. "About the back end?"

Orchid covered her head with sand and gurgled. "Yes...."

I set my tools down and sat down. "Orchid...you know anything about sex?"

Orchid peeked at me through the sand. "...The boy makes a white goo, and the girl eats it, then babies...."

I stared at my surrogate. "What the fuck have you been smoking?"

Orchid growled at me. "I watched the fish do sex...."

I felt my face drop into a heavy scowl. "Orchid, you're not a fish. You're very, very different from a fish."

Orchid grumbled loudly. "No I'm not--"

"Genetically speaking you're eighty percent pony." I scratched my neck. "You procreate like ponies, you have sex like ponies."

Orchid shook her head and dusted me with sand. "Wait...you have sex? I thought you did it."

I tapped my foot on the ground. "You...can have sex done to you, or you can do it." I took a deep breath. "Given the fact nopony is as big as you, you're probably going to do it to yourself."

Orchid snarled. "I thought it was two thingies."

I sighed heavily. "Mares have things put inside them, sometimes when there's not a stallion around, they can use something else...." I thought back to my old marefriend. "Like...a phone...or a dildo...or a bottle...or a hand." I scratched my head. "I mean, you're too big for all that, but you could even just use a hoof."

Orchid growled again. She thrashed her head away. "This is weird!" She stomped up the beach and did a circle before me. She set herself back down before me and crossed her hooves. "...How do I do it."

"Uh. You'd press a hoof against your vagina...and rub it. Or, if you had a dildo, you'd stick it in and push it in and out." I put my hands on my hips. "I think you can figure it out, just don't stick something in your urethra."

Orchid leaned towards me. "What's that?"

"Piss hole." There was no humor in my voice. "There's two holes...one is for piss...the other is for sex. The one that doesn't hurt is for sex." I shook my head. "It'll make sense if you try it."

Orchid snorted at me. The rush of air blew up sand around us. "Wait...so, just rub it?" She held her hoof up. "Just like...." She waggled her hoof in the air inarticulately.

I held my hand up and made a gentle circling motion. "Just take it easy, reach back, feel around, you can talk to a mare later. Sparkler or somepony else would help you more than I can."

She stood up and whipped her tail against the ground. "But just rub it? Like, hard?"

I shrugged. "You'll figure out how to do it, just touch it and go from ther--" Orchid turned to the water and stomped her way in. Her tail dragged across the beach and slithered under the water like a shark fin. "There.... Alright." I looked to the tools scattered across the beach.

"Oi...what happened?" Eureka slowly crested the hill. "I heard the filly beatin' on the sand--"

"Can you go?" I turned to face her. "You've been lurking around for like two hours. It's kinda creepy."

Eureka stared right back at me. "...I'm lonely, alright...." She scratched at the ground and huffed. "I don't talk to many ponies! I don't talk to anypony! Just let me be here...okay?"

I shrugged. "Well I'm leaving." I looked towards the east. "Tell you what, I'll go tell somebody your out here, send fake letters or books or something. Maybe somepony can come out and get you."

Eureka sighed heavily. "Why can't ya just sit with me?" Eureka turned away and stepped straight into a pile of Orchid's dead skin. Her face said it all, twisted up in utter horror. "...I don't want to be around you anymore...." She turned to the side and dry-heaved. "I'm gonna go." She yanked her hoof out and trotted towards the hill. A distant vomiting noise came from her direction as I turned to gather my tools.

"Mare are fucking crazy...."