Lyra stepped onto the stage, and up to the podium, a speech levitating in her magic. Clearing her throat, she looked down at the audience, mostly containing curious and hungry stares. Lyra situated those ones with glares, before looking to the form beside her. A tall Draconequus, a pleasant smile on his face. He was even in a suit.
“Attention everyone. No it is not everypony, Discord is not a pony, so screw you.” Lyra paused, noticing the confused stares only grow. A feral smirk fell on her face.
“Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, we have an announcement. It is fairly simple, even you should be able to understand it. The message is as follows; fuck you.” Lyra paused, and put her notes away, stepping off the podium and giving everyone a bow. After a moment, she frowned, and her eyes widened.
“Oh, right right, almost forgot.” Lyra quickly stepped onto the podium, giving the giggling Discord a glare.
“Ahem, right. If you are here to see tentacle, xxx, smut, and other cup related activities, please leave now.” Lyra waved goodbye, and waited.
“Alright, good, that solves that problem.” Lyra turned to Discord, and both stepped off the stage, walking together down the road.
“So what should we do when we get home, ball gag and saddle?” Lyra smirked, levitating the items up as they walked into their house. Discord nodded, and Lyra nodded once in affirmation. Putting the saddle over her mouth, she strapped the ball gag around her waist.
“Oh you do know me so well don’t you.” Discord chuckled, flicking Lyra on the nose.
“But there is one problem,” Discord smiled, and pointed to any audience that was still watching them.
“Oh Fudge, there’s so many left. Darnit, now we’ll have to actually explain the story.” Lyra spat out the saddle and removed the ball gag, pulling over a large jug off pre made coffee and gulping down the jug. Tossing the coffee in the bin, she rubbed her face.
“Must we tell them the truth? I much prefer it if things were a little more chaotic.” Discord pouted, and Lyra chuckled, flicking her tail to hit him in the face.
“You know as well as I that it’s already chaotic enough Disc. But I shall allow you to mix up what chaos you caused. But not more, we have to keep it somewhat honest. And no, we’re not doing a bee gag.” Lyra looked down at herself as Discord painted her yellow and black. Pouting, he turned into a bee. Lyra slapped him with a flycatcher, and raised an eyebrow as she looked to his squashed remains.
“Are you done?” Lyra waited as Discord pulled himself together, and rolled his eyes, giving a grumble as he sat down, folding his arms. Lyra rolled her eyes, closing the door and pulling out another jug to make more coffee.
“So, let us start your tale, dear Lyra. Let us start it with a little sprinkle of chaos, would you say?” Discord crossed his fingers together, and leaned forward on the table. Lyra smirked, sitting down and sipping her jug.
“A little chaos by your standards is Ponyville in ruins.” Lyra raised an eyebrow, and Discord shrugged.
“I did my part, I stopped it from consuming most of the infrastructure.” Discord shrugged, letting his arms fall off and fall to the floor. They pulled out a tophat and cane and began to dance.
“Drawing a moustache on Celestia is not ‘protecting infrastructure’.” Lyra rolled her eyes, and dropped the issue.
“It all began I believe, with a bottle of full cream milk.”
Ponyville was in ruins. The streets were covered in vines. Citizens were fleeing in terror or fighting back against the vines. As the mane six met at the Town Center, a mint green unicorn was quietly walking toward the market. Arriving on the scene, she glanced between the stalls, most destroyed by the vines.
“Excuse me,” she spoke, walking over to one holding a cowering stallion. Behind him were crates of milk, most shattered by vines. As the mare talked to him, he noticed the lyre Curie Mark, and cautiously stood up.
“Lyra? W-what are you doing here?” The stallion shook in fear as he watched the vines slowly surround them, and looked toward the only exit. Lyra smiled warmly, and held out three bits.
“Funny story, Bon Bon wanted some milk. I came out to pick some up.” Lyra put the bits on the counter, seemingly oblivious to the carnage around them.
“Uh,” the stallion blinked, taken aback by her nonchalance. Lyra waited patiently. Slowly, the stallion turned, and glanced toward the milk being guarded by vines.
“I’m not going in there! Do you have any idea what those vines are doing to Ponyville?” The stallion pointed behind Lyra, and she turned, casting a despondent gaze over the ruined houses.
“Fair enough, do you mind if I grab it then?” Lyra turned around, smile returning to her face. The stallion blinked, and gave a slow nod. Lyra trotted over to the vines, and stuck her hoof between them. Pulling out one bottle, surprisingly intact, she nodded and returned to the stand.
“Have a nice day,” she smiled. Lyra turned, and began to head home. The stallion, noticing her disregard for the vines as she stepped over them, made a dash for his own house.
“Can you believe her? How can she ignore us trapped here?” One more glared to the other, gritting her teeth as the vines tightened around their waist.
“That’s just how she’s been ever since Discord returned the first time. Would you believe she thinks sea ponies are real?” Both turned toward the Draconequus casually filing his nails on a vine beside them.
“Oh believe me, they are real. Though I do believe their Queens got sent to an alternate dimension, and now they are pretty meek.” Discord glanced to his nails, checking they were perfectly filed. Musing for a moment, he considered the conversation he had just heard. A mare undisturbed by his chaos?
Sounded like a perfect excuse to have some fun.
“Hey Lyra,” Bonbon entered the room, knocking a hoof on Lyra’s door. Seeing her roomat whom was currently lounging on the bed turn towards her, Bon Bon motioned toward the window. Lyra glanced to it. There was a black shrivelled up root stuck hanging from it. It was of course, broken.
“Could you fix the window? You’re letting all the warm air out of the house.” Bon Bon folded her arms, and Lyra raised an eyebrow.
“You want me,” she started, pointing to herself.
“To fix that window?” Lyra pointed a leg at it. Bon Bon nodded, and Lyra slapped her book shut, and stepped up off the bed. Walking over to Bon Bon, she put a hoof on her friend’s shoulder.
“Bon Bon, I’m breaking up with you.” Lyra looked at Bon Bon seriously, who only narrowed her eyes.
“You’re breaking up with me. Over a window.” Bon Bon watched as Lyra nodded, still straight faced.
“We’re not even dating you idiot.” Bon Bon rolled her eyes and tried to step away. Lyra moved forward as she moved back, and got down to one knee, pulling out a cheap plastic ring.
“Then will you be my Special Somepony?” Lyra’s eyes filled with sparkles, and Bon Bon sighed in response. Turning around, she began to head back down the stairs.
“If it’s not fixed in three days, I’m kicking you out.” Bon Bon walked down the stairs, ear flickering as she heard Lyra’s not-so-quiet response.
“Haha! Yes!” Lyra leapt back onto her bed, levitating up her book and opening it to the correct page. Blinking, she tilted her head as the words swirled, transforming into a Discord. Lyra waited and with a poof, the real Discord appeared in her room. To her dismay, all the words were now gone from her book.
“Do you mind, I was reading that.” Lyra situated an annoyed glare at Discord, who rolled his eyes, snapped his fingers, and returned the words to the book. Lyra opened it, now it was a completely different story. Reading the first few pages, Lyra deduced it was a story about a Draquonequis called Discord.
“Eh,” she shrugged, and turned the page, beginning to read again. It wasn’t the best self inset she’d read, but it wasn’t the worst either. Discord stroked his beard for a moment, and then turned her bed into a pile of candy. Lyra glanced down at it, and then closed her book, heaving a sigh.
“What do you want?” Lyra folded her hooves, and Discord smiled, tapping his fingers together.
“I want you.” Discord grabbed Lyra by the hoof, and brought her into a dance, despite the fact they were now hovering.
“Uh huh,” she spoke, unconvinced. Lyra pushed herself away from Discord, and returned to her candy pile. Sitting down, she reopened her book.
“Sorry, I don’t date Draquonequis’es.” Lyra narrowed her eyes as her book transformed into Discord’s head.
“Oh you’re no fun. How about now?” With a snap of his fingers, Discord transformed Lyra into a Draconequus. Lyra took a moment to work out how to use hands, and then flipped Discord to the next page.
“I’ll pass,” she responded, somehow reading the book despite it being the back of Discord’s head. Discord vanished, and Lyra returned to normal.
“Oh very well, I’ll just give your magic a chaotic effect, that should produce hours of entertainment. For me. Ciao.” As Discord vanished, Lyra noticed her horn aura change color. Looking up, she realised it was actually now a rainbow. Lyra, curious, flipped the page in her now fixed book.
The book turned into a can of beans.
“Huh,” she spoke, letting her magic fade as she stood up. Getting off her candy pile, Lyra grabbed the can in her mouth to take downstairs.
‘I wonder if eating this will tell me about the story. Curiosity piqued, she searched for an Earth Pony can opener.
