The Beginning,of the cocainum wars.
"Yeah,I know that I could have started on a better story!"
"Then why the heck are you writing about this?"
"I don't know,because I think it's not always about the readers opinion,you know that-"
"Bro,just..."
"They are watching us speak imaginary me!Quick,hide!"
This is followed by me and my ghostly-imaginary friend jumping out of the window.However,we are humans.And we died,but not him....the end.
*Cough*
*Cough*
Nah,that was shit rubbish.Now I could just start writing about this bloody story wanka'.
Somewhere on...eerrrr.......Earth?
"Yo'." A dude greeted a another dude.
"Yo'." The other dude replied.
"So,wasup' homie?How ya' childrin' goin',how ya' waif goin',how ya dawg goin?" The uneducated dude spoke.
"Yo' man,shit ain't right man,stuff going bad,MAN,ma' children' ain't gud' man,how ya' doin' eithar' maaaan?" The second dude shot out.
"Yo',yo',stuff ain't gud' aithar' hiar maaaan.Ma' countre' iz' gettin' bawmbed maaaan."
"Awh,hell maaaaan."
"I kno' man."
"Goin' to git' a re-feel maaaaan."
"Okay man."
"Bai' dawg,got ta' go,militare' iz' kalin on meh'."
"Saim man'."
This is a usual conversation between human species,since the war has been going on...for probably 300 years,and we still didn't destroy the planet.And Gordon Freeman still isn't around,we can only hope for Black Mesa to explode,oh wait....we accidentally dropped a nuke on it..oh noessssss,such horrifying accident...waaaaaaaaaahhhh...*COUGH*,and what is the author doing you ask?I'm going to tell this loud and clear,He is in the bathroom,didn't come from it since he ate that Taco last week.Oh,I should get back on the story.Again,humanity has been waging war against itself for 17* years,every single nation managed to bomb each other,in that minute.But now that we accidentally hit some of the alien observers with nuclear weaponry and missiles.Hell,they think we want war.So we dragged in:The Combine,The Batman empire,The Atelian Empire,The Confederation of Admiral Douche,The Federation,The World Wrestling Federation,etc....And now,as Earth is being scorched by aliens who went ballistic on our asses,we managed to create a magical portal working on African voodoo and some stupid IPhone battery.Massive amounts of humans passed through the portal,as it was the size of my table.We didn't manage to get the sacred supplies in,we no longer have fast food restourants....horrible.....just horrible.So I was-The time stops,as the real Author is really sick of this and he teleports you in a more better place.
Ponyville,Equestria.
It was a ordinary,cheerful,happy day.Until a mine-table sized portal appeared,with humans starting to appear from it.Ponies started shrieking as panic filled up the air."Sweet Celestia,save us!"or "CELESTIA HELP ME!"or "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHH!"but one scream stood out."The illuminati are here!" And as humans are always scared of aliens,and now.Cute,aliens.Most of the armed forces of Humanity appear,as the start beating ponies up with branches and leaves. ((That was the most advanced technology on Earth,no kid' bruh.))
"This is the promised land!Let's slaughter all the natives!"
A loud "YEAH" was heard from the still coming crowd.As the humans took over Ponyville,many were crying out for a medic.Severly hurt by tripping on a rock.
Some stoopid time later.
The humans have taken over Ponyville,they start to establish basic defenses,but.The portal was still pouring in humans,so in the town hall.The speech about how humanity rules everything,blah,blah,blah.Ponies are savages,blah,blah,blah, is occurring.
"My dear fellow citizens of our former land!" The assumed leader whom has stepped out of the crowd in the midst of the attention."These lands are ours now!And those savage equines and freak creatures deserve death by sticks and stones!",this was followed by a loud cheer,as sticks somehow shot bullets in the air."We are the supreme rulers of this land!I will lead us to victory!",another cheer occurred.
That day was known,as the cocainum feast.As the human forces prepared for war,battalions of branch-carrying troops massed,combined with Mount & Blade stone throwers turning them into ravenous legions ready to consume Equestria.
Canterlot,Equestria
"Oh,well shit." A guard had a annoyed face. While the neighbouring guard looked at him,raising his eyebrow."What is it?" He asks. "Look over there,at Ponyville." He handed the ultra-mega-giga-scope to his neighbour who dropped his jaw in the sight of the advanced human fortifications,the miniature mud walls were in a bloody good shape.Ready to defend the new faction whom has appeared. "We should report this to HQ...."
"Yeah,you are right." The first guard answered,as they both left their posts to report this odd case.Also ponies that ran away from Ponyville became suicide bombers and killed a few human guards in the name of Celestia.And Changelings tried figuring out how to launch stones back at the human legions.Oh well,that is life.And Appleloosa declared independence,they all sadly got killed by Buffaloes.That's life t-I get shot in the face by a sniper rifle.Shit is about to go up,and it ain't gonna be gud' m8.Yu kno' bruddah'.Shit always happens,also I am narrating crap right now,hope you enjoyed my freak show,dumb@ss.
The end of chapter 1.
*Dramatic beeping.*
A rather short sized female human appears in front of the news camera,her expression looked like her family has been slaughtered but the news she is about to tell to the proud newborn nation,was horrific."Today.......at 7 pm.......we have received reports that...the last human who is to appear in New USA........is a politician named Silvio Berlusconi........" Her facial expression managed to slam down to the floor,as tears started pouring out of her eyes. "We are goin-*Sob*-g....to...*Sob* ..switch you to our...*Sob* ..live report....." The camera flashed,as it has shown many troops charging downhill with combat-branches. "This is Nikolai Jansen reporting for live here at Obi Juan Hill!We are currently spectating the special division of running downhill in action,ready to prepare for the new arriving thief!" The reporter came up closer to the leader of the division,a man in his sixties probably. "Sir,what is the current situation?" He asks.
"WELL,MY WIFE WOKE ME UP AT THE MIDST OF MY LATE SLEEP SCREAMING: "WAKE UP!" ,I ASKED HER "WHAT IS IT WOMAN!?" WHILE SHE REPLIED WITH THESE HORRIBLE NEWS! "SILVIO BERLUSCONI IS COMING!" AND FROM THAT MOMENT I JUMPED FROM MY BED STILL IN MY UNDERWEAR STILL ON LIKE I WAS SPLASHED BY BOILING HOT WATER!WHILE MY WIFE PREPARED ME COFFEE?I SCREAMED OUT MY LUNGS TELLING HER TO NOT MAKE THE COFFEE AND HIDE IT 4 METERS IN THE GROUND!SILVIO WILL NOT ROB ME OF THE ONLY FAVORED THING!"
The reporter stepped back,thanking the General for his rather harsh speech on how he got his ass here.Turning to interview a Major."And,can you tell us anything else Mr.King Sung?" The Major turned,having his grip on his old magnum pistol tight. "They call me "Pistol" actually!Because I solve everything with it!The taxes,the trips,I solve it with the pistol!And I'm crazier than the others!And when they did the first ultra-scan on my mother while she was pregnant,THEY SAW THE PISTOL! I don't know what would happen to my life if Silvio Berlusconi took my pistol!If he comes at me,I swear to King Jong Un I will shoot him in the head!HAHHIEEE!" He lets out a mighty roar,flailing his arms around....and for the final interview.A lance-corporal, "You want to interview me?Oh,I'm gay so when Silvio Berlusconi comes I won't have nothing against him taking off and stealing my shirt!" The Reporter was confused,but oh well.That's life.
Canterlot,Equestria
"I sense great danger in this sister......" Luna added to Celestia while they were observing the activity of Ponyville on the royal balcony.
"I only sense the stop button sister." Celestia replied,with Luna looking at her,confused. "Did we rally the military yet?" She asked Luna.
"Yes,we have all the siege material,those tiny mud walls won't stand a chance.And both royal guard armies formed a large number of 5 troops."
"Very well,I see that you had great success managing our military,I am also pretty sure that you will not have a problem leading the armies into combat tomorrow?" Celestia smiled.
"What?!I to lead the armies?!This is a joke?!A JOKE!?R-RIGHT?!" Luna was shocked,however Celestia calmed her down. "Shush,calm down GEEZ..........you know what......I'll lead it,if you have to be such a little cow-*Celestia is now attacked by Luna and it ends up in a glorious cat fight between two sisters that I am not going to write about,HA,HA,HA.
Ponyville,New USA,
The military was waiting,as the portal remained silent.They were all scared,they knew Silvio Berlusconi could steal all they had in a second,those were magic powers he had.A great danger he was to both races,for now all the branches were aimed at the portal and the stones were ready to be thrown in case he appears. "Steady boys.....steady....." The commanding General raised his arm,as a figure appeared out of the portal...it was him,the super fast political thief,Silvio Berlusconi,the destroyer of worlds and nutella. Sweat rolled down the Generals head,as he slammed his arm down,the branches shooting leaves and the rocks getting launched at Silvio,but he dodged it all.Stealing everything from the armed troops,from the branch weapons to the clothes.They were left naked,as they fall down crying from the shame.Silvio robbed everything,not even the childrend were spared.And as he appeared at the Town Hall stopping his crazy stealing spree and already selling everything to alien empires back at Earth in a second,his loud magnificent voice fills Ponyville's air.
"CITIZENS OF THE NEW USA!BE PROUD THAT YOU WILL HAVE ME AS YOUR LEADER!I WILL PUT THE TAXES ON 99% ALSO!" A loud cheer from the half-naked population filled the air,as from a mortal enemy he became a glorious leader.Wow,much ilogic.The armies of the New USA left the fortifications of Ponyville,already heading for Canterlot ready to face the glorious Equestrian army.....shit is going to go down,and it ain't going to be gud' m8' x2.
Retarded laughter occurs in the background
"What am I even giving these readers to read....some crazy ass shit of mine...*Sob,sob*
"*Yawn*"
"I don't even think that this is going to be popular...."
"Don't worry real me...it will be a famous story one day...." A 'No it wont' signal comes from his mouth,as the reader probably notices that I need a therapist...