Bad Stories For Bad People

War. War never changes. Except this one time a bunch of ponies stopped having tea parties and decided to nuke each other. That changed everything because almost everyone was fucking dead. Too bad. But war never stopped because it’s in our blood and we keep doing it and friendship is over and bla bla bla bla...

Anyway, this is the bit where the author says some “deep” and “philosophical” bullshit to convince everyone that he’s smart and not retarded like anyone who reads this. But noone actually gives a shit because they just want to read all the cool action and edginess, so they skip ahead.

If you actually bothered to read this, congrats! You don’t have ADD. You’re just a regular loser.

Fuck you.

Unlikely Hero walked down the metal corridor of Stable 69 (lol geddit?), passing a couple who argued who had to make a blood sacrifice tonight.

“Like, no way! I gave twelve pints of blood this month!”

“Waaay! You’re just trying to make up excuses.”

“Shut up bitch before I rape you again!”

“Promise~?”

It had to be this way, because this stable was designed to be “metal as fuck”, so every day they had to pour a pint of blood into the generator, or it would wake up and eat all the babies. That was Unlikely Hero’s job, by the way: collect the blood. And if someone disobeyed, they got beaten up and raped. Such was life in the Wasteland.

After eavesdropping for a while, Unlikely Hero scoffed and kept moving. Of course, “Unlikely Hero” wasn’t his real name; he changed it since he felt his given name of “Totallynot Foreshadowing” sounded too lame. He also wasn’t really a “he”, not since she realized that her true inner self was female, though thankfully his past (wrong) self was homosexual, so once all the magic-shmagic could be done on his her body, she could embrace the form that was meant for her and find a nice cock for herself so we can have sex scenes in the fic too.

If only her parents could understand.

“Oh my Celestia, Mom!” she would scream. “Can’t you just let it go and accept me for who I am on the inside instead?”

“On the inside? You mean ‘a worthless piece of shit’?” they’d reply. “I can’t believe I spawned a faggot who wants to change genders. I am being totally intolerant for edginess reasons right now.”

“I hate you both! I wish you’d both die! I WILL LET YOU DOWN, I WILL MAKE YOU HURT!”

Yeah, that didn’t go well. But still, thank goodness that brony authors make sure to discuss these serious issues using horses that can talk.

Anyway, this was just another ordinary day for our hero, at least until she walked into the doctor’s office to find out why her tummy hurt and her turds smelled like chloroform.

“You are a carrier for Type 4 Lauren Faust syndrome,” the doctor said.

“Good heavens!” she replied. “What’s that mean?”

“In 2 days, you start shouting unfunny memes non-stop, and everyone around you bleeds to death through their genitals.”

“Oh no, I guess it’s time to leave the stable then.”

“The door is locked, you stupid cunt. How do you plan on getting out?”

“FUCK YOU!”

Unlikely Hero grabbed a wrench and bashed the doctor’s head in. An alarm went off, and she realized it was time to tits or GTFO. Since she didn’t have tits (that would be disgusting, you fucking pervert), she went for option #2.

After fighting her way through all the guards and idiot friends that tried to stop her, she opened the door somehow (I won’t tell, make up some theories) and found herself on the surface, expecting lush green fields, blue skies, and magic rainbows.

But no! Equestria is different now! There’s radiation and dead ponies everywhere, and everyone who’s left alive is trying to kill you and eat your brains or guts or whatever! The very first thing that happens is Unlikely Hero being attacked by a group of crazy ponies. She screams “rape,” but the one thing that doesn’t “come” that day is help.

After spending a few weeks as a sex slave, Unlikely Hero uses all the exp she gained to max out her stats. With all the rage she has from getting pegged every day, she breaks out, all the scrubs die in her path, and she becomes this big hero that rescues all the babies and ladies that cry for help. She doesn’t even ask for a reward, except when she’s horny and wants to fuck the nearest moving object.

Sexual content is the edgiest of them all.

One day, after saving both Ponytown and Hoof City, she runs into a hot stud named “Convenient Sidekick”, who becomes the first of her many many companions along her neverending journey. Because it never does fucking end, why do you think you have 74 unread chapters left?

Let’s see how an average conversation goes down between them.

“OH NO, COMPANION!” Hero screamed. “HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME? I’M A MONSTER!”

“No you’re not!” Companion said. “You just had another psychotic episode, that’s all.”

“I don’t get it! Why can’t I stop killing ponies because I got a flagpole shoved up my ass on my first day in da hood? I think every flagpole is triggering me now!”

Companion says nothing. They’ve been teasing it for three chapters now, so it was time to make his move. He leans against her, pulls her into a hug, and whispers in her ear.

“Tell ya what: let’s have some sex again. That should cure your PTSD or schizophrenia or flu or whatever its called…”

“Okie-dokie-loki.”

And then they had sex. Fade to black because clop is fucking disgusting.

The chapter is over now. This is the part where I ask you to donate to my PayPal and Patreon. I will continue to do so for 100+ chapters until I finish with a shit ending.

Bronies are cunts, and fanfics are garbage. Stop reading them.