Bad Stories For Bad People

All was still in the Everfree forest, apart from the occasional rustling of leaves from a critter scurrying to and fro. Darkness had befallen the forest, and most animals were attempting to hide for a peaceful night’s rest. A small breeze glided through the forest, rustling the leaves some.

Suddenly, trees shook violently, as a white light appeared over the forest. The light continued to grow brighter, as electrical impulses filled the sky. Suddenly, with a large explosion, it disappeared as suddenly as it came.

In the smoldering grass left in it’s wake, a figure lay, dressed in chainmail armour. He arose from the indent in the land, and silently stared at the scene while stroking his long, grey facial hair.

In a thick accent, he said, “Hvor i helvete er jeg?”

Twilight Sparkle was awoken by the explosion.

“Gah! What was that?!”

Spike ran into her room, frantic and worried.

“Twi, did you see that?”

“Yeah… what was that?” she asked.

“I think it came from the Everfree forest...” Spike feebly replied.

“I’ve never read anything about this sort of thing happening in the Everfree forest. We must investigate this!” Twilight said as she levitated her sheets off herself.

With great speed, Twilight put on her saddlebags and ran for the forest, leaving Spike behind in a trail of dust. As she galloped to the Everfree, she was joined by Fluttershy, who was similarly worried.

“What do you think happened, Twilight?” Fluttershy asked.

“I… can’t say. This is unlike anything I’ve ever read about!”

“I hope it’s nothing serious… eep!”

Fluttershy was pushed by a stronger stallion, even more determined to find out what had happened.

After several minutes of galloping, the ponies arrived at the scene. What Twilight saw shocked her.

A figure in chainmail armour stared at them. He was at least two ponies taller than they were. He stood on hind legs.

“Oh! Hei små ponnier! Kan du hjelpe meg?”

“What language is this monster speaking?!” a worried stallion yelled.

“Oh my, talking horses! I must be in the wrong realm.”

“Who… are you?” Twilight asked with caution.

“My name is er, Varg Vikernes and I play in the band Burzum.”

The ponies were shocked. Varg Vikernes? What kind of a name was that? Burzum? Is that even a band? Why had they never heard of Burzum?

Twilight tried to whisper to Fluttershy, but noticed that she was long gone.

Suddenly, ‘Varg’ spoke again, “Do any of you know how to er, get to Mordor?”

“Umm… what’s Mordor?”

The man sighed.

“Take me to your leader.”

Twilight stepped out into the opening. Varg laughed.

“You expect me to believe your leader is a woman? Ha! Please, take me to your real leader.”

“Umm… I am the ‘leader’... well, at least in Ponyville...” Twilight tenderly replied.

Varg’s smile turned to a scowl.

“Very well then. Is this Mordor? Have you seen any orcs, or elves?” Varg asked impatiently.

“Well, this place is called Equestria to us, but Ponyville is currently being threatened by orcs,” Twilight sparked up, “They’ve been kidnapping our ponies and enslaving them! Forcing them to work in mines for diamonds!”

“We shall see about that. Take me to the orc scum.”

Varg pulled a sword from his sheath, and it glistened in the moonlight. Twilight started galloping towards the orcs, and Varg followed suit.

“Umm, uhh… Varg? Do you have protection?”

“Yes, this chainmail suit has protected me before.”

“It looks a little… thin…”

“I will be protected by the spear of Óðinn,” Varg said with absolute.

The two arrived at a field, stained with crimson. It was almost barren, save for several bushy shrubs dotting the terrain. They could see the sun, painting the sky itself various shades of red and orange. In the distance, they saw an old wooden structure

Suddenly, several orcs jumped out from the bushes. Twilight gasped and hid behind Varg, who gripped his sword with two hands and smirked.

“This is war, huh…” Varg said, “wow.”

He swung his sword at the first orc who ran to him. The sword sliced through the orc’s throat, and a fountain of crimson sprayed Varg in his essence. Another orc approached him from behind, but Varg turned around and stabbed the fat creature in the stomach. A third orc ran towards him foolishly. He threw his sword into the orc’s thick skull, and the orc fell to the ground.

“Hah! Looks like these orcs will be crying.”

The other orcs started running towards the encampment.

“Come on, horse, we must chase down these scummy orcs.”

“Umm, I’m actually Princess Twilight Spar-”

“Do I look like I care? Take me there, I must use horseback.”

“What?!” she said, in horror.

“You heard me! In my world, we use horses to get to places faster. We ride on their backs.”

“Fine…” Twilight begrudgingly replied.

Varg sat on Twilight’s back, and the two continued towards the coward orcs.

The orc encampment was a crudely constructed wooden village, surrounded by a shoddy wall. On one side of the camp, a large structure stood tall. It was only crudely made of wood, but to the orcs, it was the most significant building. They gathered there before battle to give them power to win.

On the outside, Varg noticed several orcs entering the building.

“What are you thinking, Varg?” Twilight said.

“Hmm…” Varg hummed, searching.

He spotted everything he’d need. He grabbed the objects and tucked them under his armour.

“Come, horse. We must find an entrance.”

“Boss me around…” Twilight grumbled.

Upon searching the wall, they found a hole in the wall, just large enough for Varg to fit through, but not wide enough for Twilight too.

“This is perfect. We are close enough to their wooden shithouse. You wait here.”

“Okay, Princess Varg,” Twilight sarcastically obeyed.

“I am not a princess!”

He climbed through the hole, and pulled out the object. It was two sticks. He started rubbing them together.

“What are you doing?!” Twilight asked in a hush voice.

Suddenly, a fire appeared on the sticks.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Varg asked, “Burning their church. Don’t worry, I’ve done it several times, actually.”

Twilight looked in shock as the entire building was engulfed in flames.

Varg turned around and said, “I like my orcs… kuhrispy,” before turning back and running into the town center.

She heard the screams of the orcs burning alive inside, and the other orcs fleeing the encampment. She cried for them.

Suddenly, Varg reappeared from the smoke, carrying an orc by his hand.

“Listen here, you scum! Tell me where those horses are!”

“I dunno! I swear to God!”

“Tell me!” Varg screamed in the orc’s face.

“I don’t know!”

Varg jammed his sword under the orc’s fingernail, leading him to scream in excruciating pain. Twilight gasped.

“Tell me, you piece of shit!” Varg screamed again, slapping the orc across the face.

“Alright, alright! They’re in the dungeons, just north of here! All of the orcs from there just came back! It’s orc-free! I swear!”

“Okay.”

Varg proceeded to stab the orc in the head, before viciously stabbing him a further 26 times.

Twilight had enough of the brutality.

“What the Tartarus is wrong with you?!”

“I’ve done this before, it’s okay.”

Twilight went pale.

“Last person I did it too deserved it, so don’t act like I’m some sort of evil being. I did what I had to, and I removed a filthy coward from the earth while I did it,” Varg proudly stated, before saying, “Now, shall we free these horses from the dungeons of darkness?”

“Fine, let’s go.”

Varg hopped on her back, and yelled “Utover!”

The two ran towards the dungeons.

Several days later, the ponies from the dungeons were reunited with their families. Twilight watched over them from her crystal castle. A smile appeared upon her face. She had done something very good. Varg walked next to her with a similar expression of happiness. He stroked his beard softly.

“Well, it appears I’ve solved the orc problem.”

“Yes, you did. Thank you for that, sir.”

“Now what should we do about the obvious race problem you have here?”

“Excuse me?” Twilight said.

“Well, your ‘unicorns’ are obviously the superior race here, so to prevent any genetic pollution, we should rid the country of pegasi and, er, ‘earth’ ponies.”

Twilight simply ignored him. Several days of incessant talk about Pagan gods and the pure race had worn her out. While she had originally fought with him over his views, after the tenth time, she gave up.

“I must say, I’ve enjoyed my time here. This castle is like something from a dream.”

“Well, thank you Varg. I must say that despite your, um, confrontational attitudes, you were a very pleasant guests. You saved these ponies lives.”

“Anyway, I must be getting back to the real realm.”

“Okay, well, see you later then.”

“Well, I doubt I will be coming back to this realm, but I appreciate the gesture. Farvel, Princess.”

Varg raised his sword in the air and chanted.

“Få meg helvete ut herfra!”

Suddenly, in a brilliant flash of light, he disappeared, leaving Twilight by herself in the castle.

“...What the fuck was wrong with that cunt?”