A Tiger in Equestria

"'Cause tomorrow Spring is here!" Well fuck me, I was pretty annoyed at it being winter. Mainly because it reminded of the frozen hellhole someone decided to call "Russia". My usual solution, since Russians don't exist here, in fact, besides us, there are no humans on the planet, was to wake up late, when the sun was shining so it was somewhere above freezing, and go on a hot drink binge. Well imagine yourself being woken up, at much too early in the morning, by ponies yelling "Winter wrap up! Winter wrap up!" I mean seriously, have you ever heard an entire town sing in synchronization? It's... really freaking loud, like rivaling firing an Acht-Acht pretty close to you kinda loud. And we were inside a fucking tank. So, I opened the hatch during a brief lull in the song.

"My god in heaven what the fuck is going on here!?"

They were all wearing vests... somehow. I still don't know how they got those on them without fingers. Twilight Sparkle seemed to be the only one that didn't have one, and seeing us, quickly walked over to us, while assuring everyone else that it was totally fine.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I get woken up too early in the morning for winter, by the sound of the entire town singing. Please fucking explain."

"They're wrapping up winter."

"What? Like a present?!" She looked at me with extreme surprise before replying.

"No! They're cleaning up the town, in preparation for Spring!"

"Doesn't spring like, come by itself? I mean yes you do control the weather partially but the seasons?"

"Normally in Canterlot, we would've done this with magic, but Ponyville likes to do this the old fashioned way." I gave her a very unamused look.

"By making everyone's ears bleed?"

"You should really stop saying everyone, the correct words is 'Everypony'. Besides, it's kinda our way of doing things."

"Firstly, no I am not going to stop saying everyone, and you cannot stop me from doing so. Second, that's a highly stupid way of doing things." A sudden thought struck me. "Wait, how long does it normally take for you to do this in Canterlot?"

"Within an hour, a quarter more at worst."

"And how long will it take here?"

"A few hours."

"Well. Traditionalists. My father used to be one, but frankly it was quite inefficient. Everyone seems to have a job, except for you."

"Well, since I just moved here, I wasn't assigned to any team."

"Teams? You have teams?"

"Yes, we're divided into three separate teams, dealing with the air, animals and ground respectively." Apparently someone far off was singing a solo verse, since suddenly the song was back in full force again. Not sure how long I could take this. Wait, maybe if I helped this would be done faster, and I would have less torture! Great plan!

"Can I help?"

"Uh, sure? You should really speak to Mayor Mare then."

"Nah, we'll stick with you." After telling my crew to get ready to move the tank, we followed Twilight Sparkle around the town.

"Do my best toooday~~" I immediately regret my decision. It was like the entire town had decided that Twilight suddenly became the center of all their efforts. AND BY GOD WAS IT LOUD.

I blanked out just so I didn't have to listen to more, right until she started NOT SINGING. THANK YOU!

"How about if I help clear out the clouds?" I facetanked for that one. I was going to point out the obvious, but Rainbow Dash beat me to it by showing Twilight her wings.

"Oh. No wings." She looked pretty sad, and Rainbow Dash apologized before flying off.

"Sorry, Twilight."

"Great, now what do we do?"

"I don't know, I'm following your lead."

Spike said something about taking a nap. And fell asleep. Instantaneously. Somehow.

"This is serious business Spike! Winter needs to be wrapped up and I'm determined to do my part!" Last I heard, they were doing it perfectly fine without you.

Her head lowered slightly before saying something that I didn't hear. She walked off to search for somewhere else to help.

She was walking towards Rarity. Well, time to initiate half-asleep mode. She had a really annoying British accent which reminded me of British, which wasn't a good reminder. Even more ridiculously, they were making fucking nests. With their mouths. Huh? Don't birds build their own nests? Or, from the ponies' interference for over a thousand years has made the animals DEPENDENT on the ponies? Well, they've completely screwed up nature.

"Rarity, please, tell me there's something, anything that I could do to help." Nope, I'm not going to make nests with cute little red bowties on them. It'd get my man card revoked.

Twilight tried her hand at it. And made something resembling putty. Huh. Spike was brutally honest, while Rarity tried to defuse the situation by cheering up Twilight. Rarity tried to salvage the nest by starting to strip out... just about everything. Twilight was demoralized and walked off, leaving Rarity to her devices.

We're going to a lake. Why? Because a pony who defies all the laws of the universe is there, who happens to be one of Twilight's closest friends. Pinkie Pie did a twirl and was making weird shapes onto of a frozen lake with ice skates. Wait. Does snow not melt here? Have you seriously gone to the point where ice refuses to melt? Pinkie Pie was a natural at it apparently, and were doing all sorts of ridiculous poses. Somehow. Then she went on a technical explanation about how cutting the ice into pieces would help. Twilight attempted to join her, and utterly failed at skating. Though, I'm not sure how cutting the ice in a completely random pattern was going to help at all. They all ended up on a bank of the lake before I decided to do their job for them. I fired a tank shell into the middle of the lake, which cracked a gigantic chunk of the frozen lake.

"See, it was that easy." Twilight, Spike's jaws had dropped, while Pinkie was already off, somehow still walking on snow with ice skates on.

Twilight eventually shut her jaw before going to find another friend.

I couldn't hear a single word of what Fluttershy said. But somehow, Twilight had woken some snakes, crashed into a hornet's nest, and got herself stung all over. Gerhard would, and probably did, judging from the snickers from inside the tank, have loved it. Twilight had to be scrubbed with sting lotions and all that for a while.

Twilight had come out a while later, looking perfectly fine, she set off to find something to help. She found Applejack, who was using... What the hell is that. You. What. I. Whatever, I'll roll with it. Twilight had jumped into one of the snow plow-things and had started moving forward. And getting absolutely nowhere. I got off and found a few spare  plows and pulled them all over to the front of the tank. Twilight suddenly had picked up speed and was going quite fast. Why is she still accelerating? Uh...

"You're going a little fast there Twilight!"

She couldn't control her path and a giant snowball somehow gathered. And was being pushed towards Applejack and Spike. Who were caught up in the ball... Then the entire thing crashed on. Something? And a giant avalanche of snow rendered the work of all the other ponies null and void. I facepalmed while sighing, and told Gerhard to start driving the tank up and down the area. We were able to fit about seven on the things on the front of the tank, and within a few passes, I had fixed Twilight's mistake, while all the earth ponies' jaw muscles malfunctioned. Twilight and Applejack had a giant fight in that time. Twilight did go off to hide in a bush. I unattached the snow plows and ordered the tank back to the center of town.

The three teams had some sort of argument. Then Twilight had come out of her bush to present her services. To organize the entire thing. I didn't pay attention. Which meant that I was surprised when me and my crew were assigned to multiple different tasks. Here's the list of tasks she made me.

Make nests (Fingers make it go much faster)

Plow Snow (Using the tank to push it)

Break up the ice (With the tank's weapon)

Melt Snow (With your Flammenwerfer)

Plant seeds (Using the tank to push it)

So basically she just assigned us to do everything, save move clouds and wake up animals. Well fuck me today's going to be a long day.

After finishing the tasks, thankfully the ponies also helped. Yeah. You see that giant pile of nests next to that one pony who was making nests? Those were ours. The grid was for a small lake, while we cracked the rest. We did push most of the snow out using the tank, then we also had to use... something with blades at the end of it to do something to the soil which was attached to the end of the tank. They also had a water convoy. The tank pulled the volume of the Ponyville water tower in that one. Then there was also the clean-up phase, where the tank had to pull, about half of the tools they used in this fucking Wrap Up.

THEN THEY FUCKING PRAISED TWILIGHT FOR HER ORGANISATIONAL SKILLS. AND HAD A GIANT PARTY IN HER HONOR, unsurprisingly held by Pinkie Pie.

I'm fucking done. Nope. Not coming outta this damn tank for a week at BEST. SEE HOW YOU DO WITHOUT ME PONYVILLE!