Chapter Thirteen: Third Time's The Charm
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Thirteen: Third Time's The Charm

Chapter Thirteen: Third Time's The Charm

Velvet’s smile wavered as she gave me a confused look. It was then that she gave me a more complete once over and raised her eyebrows, whistling.

“Looks like you’ve been put through the ringer, guess it wasn’t that much of a snatch and dash, was it?” I could’ve sworn she didn’t have a southern accent when I left. Not that I minded. In fact, I thought it was a plus.

“Sadly. It wasn’t. Much as I’d love to stay and talk to you a while longer, I think I have about half an hour to find a bed.”

“What happens if you don’t?”

“I’d have to ask you toss me on Lupa. I’m pretty sure she could carry me wherever I need to go. How about it?” I stroked Lupa’s head, her tongue lolling about as she tried to play dumb.

“I don’t think she heard you.” Velvet giggled.

I mock sighed. “Such a shame, everything I say is so profound. Maybe I’m just tired. Could you get a message to Princess Luna for me, love?”

“Of course, write it down and I’ll send it to her right away, though I can’t guarantee when she’ll get it. The sun hasn’t even set yet, and it probably won’t for another hour or so.”

“Well damn, I didn’t think there was that much of a time difference between here and Farrier. I’d ask you to change that to Celestia, but I’m sure she’s still pissed at me. Know of any good inns around here?”

“I don’t know about many that would accept a fella like yourself,” She frowned, then snapped her fingers smiling once more, “but with the seal of a guard or one of the Princesses you could probably get a room at one of the guard barracks. There’s plenty of spare beds, though I can’t say they’re very comfy. And I don’t know if they’d let you keep your dog with you.”

I let the dog comment slide. “I’ll take what I can get at this point. Why wouldn’t some inns accept me?” I could almost feel my minuscule reserves of energy fading fast; I was getting awfully slow on the uptake.

“Well, around here if you don’t have money or aren’t one of the Princesses chosen few, you don’t get very far. That, and an awful lot of ponies around here are pretty discriminatory when it comes to extra-pony races. I’d say you’re probably in the worst town to be in with your situation right now.” She gave me a pitying look.

I rolled my eyes and scoffed. “Fuck ‘em. As long as there are still people like you around, I guess this upper class hell hole isn’t to bad. I thought ponies were supposed to be all peace and love anyways, but there are always exceptions, I guess.”

I hadn’t known Velvet too long, but she seemed like a friendly type to me. A little more than friendly if her proposition from our first meeting was anything to go on, but still a pleasant sort nonetheless. She also seemed like the smiley type; she was doing it again, and besides a few exceptions, it was pretty much her default expression.

“Well thank you, but most of the Night Guards are like me. We might look more intimidating than the Day Guards, but that just means we try harder to be friendlier. To a certain point, it kinda just sticks with you.”

“I’m glad for it. If you don’t mind, I’ve got to go find some place to crash before I pass out standing up.”

“Weeeeeell,” Velvet began.

“Yes?”

“You could always spend the night at my place. I get off when sun sets today, if you think you can wait that long.”

I may or may not have blushed a little. “Sounds like a fun time to me, though I can’t promise I’d be awake too long. It’s been a wild forty eight hours, and I really could use the sleep.”

She giggled. “I know, that sort of thing can wait, darlin’. I’m just saying my place is closer than any other prospect and there’s no paperwork to fill out.”

“Lovely. I’ll wait then. Is there a place I can get off of my feet?”

“Your what now?”

I pointed downwards. “Feet. Like hooves, but with little finger like appendages.”

“Oh, you mean like monkeys?”

“I guess you could call me a great ape, but I ain’t no monkey, love.”

“Are you sure? You kinda look like a shaved monkey to me.”

“All natural, believe me. No shaving necessary for the most part.”

“I’ll take your word for it. You can have a seat in the over there,” She pointed at an uncomfortable looking bench behind me, “while I burn an hour.”

“Doesn’t look like you have much to do right now. We can keep talking if you want.”

And so we did. The Teleportation Station in Canterlot seemed about as busy as the one in Farrier, which is to say, not busy at all. Velvet Breeze explained that it was because most ponies get sick after teleporting long distances, and that long-distance travel was the only reason to use them. As it was, ponies hated teleporting enough to pay unicorns to do it for them. Apparently runic teleportation and unicorn teleportation felt different, and few enough unicorns had the raw power or specialization to use the teleportation spell, so the ones that could use it were paid hefty fines for it. Around Canterlot, Twilight Sparkle was famous for her magical know-how and her willingness to use it. Unfortunately that ended with a pony or two stuck in a wall in her early years, which required Celestia or a team of powerful unicorns to pull them out. After that happened a few times, she stopped using the teleportation spell until she went to magic school and learned how to do it properly. I asked how Velvet knew all that and she said that Twilight was pretty well known since she was Celestia’s personal student. The stories of her successes and failures were pretty much common knowledge among the castle staff and guards.

The time passed quickly as we talked, and although I was still tired, I was feeling a little better when we left. Lupa had taken a quick nap and moved sluggishly before we finally landed at Velvet’s flat. It was a pleasant Brownstone. If I knew more about architecture, I’d go further into detail, but frankly I thought I was lucky to even recognize it for what it was. We entered and I learned that it was much bigger inside than it had seemed on the outside with plenty of space for Lupa to have a lie down. I, on the other hand, excused myself, went straight to Velvet's shower and started pulling out clothes that I would change into. With no soap or shampoo of my own, she graciously allowed me to use her brother’s that he’d left from the last time he’d visited. It smelled pretty good, like teakwood or something similar, and definitely masculine enough to not make me feel like a pretty princess. The hot shower did my aching muscles a world of good, and washing off the sweat, dirt and grime I had accumulated made me feel even better. It wasn’t until I found blood underneath my fingertips that I really thought about anything.

That meant my mind was plagued by the eyes of the men I had killed, the lives I had snuffed out without so much as a second thought. I didn’t feel guilty about it, but I felt guilty about not feeling guilty, if that makes any sense. It made me wonder what kind of monster I had become to kill so easily. I also pondered how I even got blood under my nails until I remembered the pony whose eye I had put out with a throwing knife. Retrieving that one had been grizzly business and I managed to get out of the shower over to the john before I threw up. I dried myself off and rinsed my mouth out before cleaning up the water I had spilled everywhere, doing everything I could to focus on the task at hand instead of my crimes. I failed miserably. I couldn’t avert my thoughts from the seven dead men and I scrubbed the floor furiously with a towel like I could wipe my sins away with manual labor. I don’t know how long I was sat there, stark naked wiping away at the floor, but I knew it was a while.

Velvet knocked on the door. “Hey Max, you okay in there, darlin’?”

“Y-yeah, I’m fine. Just got caught up looking at myself in the mirror.” I weakly jested. My voice had cracked and I felt something warm run down my cheek.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I’m good. I’ll be out in a mo’.”

I wiped away the warm streak on my cheek and numbly realized I was crying. The incident in Gryphonia had taken a heavier toll on me than I had previously thought, which was good; meant I still had some humanity. I quickly got dressed and suppressed the feeling; stiff upper lip and all that. Once I was sure there would be no more stray tears, I opened the door and stepped out. Velvet was leaning on the left side of the door, chewing on her lip looking worried. I gave her the best smile I could conjure at the moment and she meekly returned it.

“Max.”

“Yes Velvet?”

“I could hear you, you know.”

“Sorry, was my showering singing that bad? I’ll try to keep it to a minimum.”

“I know we haven’t known each other long, but you can trust me, darlin’. You don’t have ta’ keep it all bottled up.”

I nearly lost it right there. Her sincerity touched me deeply, but I still held the little grin I had put on when I stepped out of the lavatory. Call me whatever you will, but I couldn’t bring myself to confess to her. I couldn’t trust someone with my darkness so soon after being betrayed, after being burned by someone so badly.

“I am trusting you, Velvet. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here.” I joked. It sounded a little off to me, but I was hoping she wouldn’t notice.

She didn’t have to. She reached over and wiped a stray tear off of my face that I had noticed. “I don’t know why stallions think they can’t share what’s on their minds. Keep it to yourself too long and it’ll eat you up. Won’t leave much of ya’ behind either.”

“I don’t want to trouble you with my problems, love. I’ll be over it soon enough, don’t you worry.”

She sighed and crossed her arms, giving me an apologetic look that confused the hell out of me.

“I can’t make you talk to me…” She paused.

“Nope.” I interjected, grinning a little wider like a smile could hold back what I was feeling.

“Killin’ ain’t easy, but it’s a necessary evil sometimes.”

I was blindsided. In hindsight, it must’ve been rather obvious, but I still wonder how she knew.

“I know that, love. It’s a lesson humans have been teaching and learning for generations.” I wiped away another stray tear.

“Your eyes are a lot more honest with your feelin’s than you are. It’s eatin’ you darlin’. I promise I won’t say a word to nopony, just talk to me. This ain’t somethin’ you should have to deal with alone.”

My voice shook slightly as I spoke. “Last time I trusted someone with my secrets, they threw ‘em in my face.”

“I can promise you that I won’t do that to you, Max.” Velvet took my hand. “And I can promise than nothin’ you say will ever leave this house if you don’t want it to.”

I looked down, not able to meet her eyes. “I’m dirty in ways that I can’t clean.” I tried to pull my hand away from her. She was stronger than me.

“I killed a pony, Max. It’s not somethin’ I’m proud of, but the only way I was able to look past it, to see myself again, was to talk to somepony. I know what it feels like.”

“Velvet…”

“Yes?”

“I know I did what I had to. I already talked to my partner on the job about it.”

“But?”

I took a deep breath and the tears fell freely now, completely betraying the wall of stoicism I had hastily constructed. My voice quaked with every syllable.

“I didn’t think twice. I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t feel bad about it for long. What kind of creature can even do that?”

“A pony with it’s back to the wall is dangerous. Its instincts come out in ways they never knew possible, and yeah, a lot of ponies get eaten up by the act of killin’ another. Some ponies get eaten up because they know they’re supposed to feel bad about it and don’t. The fact that you’re cryin’, the fact that you’re feelin’ somethin’ about it means you’ve still got a heart, Max. You’re not some monster, and you’re not a beast. You’re just a stallion that did what he had to to come out on top and see another day.”

“There were other ways, Vel. There was something I could’ve done to make it come out some other way. I killed four people because I didn’t think hard enough.” Velvet embraced me.

“It’s so easy to look over the other options, darlin’. When you’re neck deep in it, you hardly stop to think of all the ways you can dig yourself out, you just claw until you’re clear. It’s not your fault.”

“It is.”

“Those ‘people’ didn’t have to back you up. They didn’t have to push you to the point where you felt it was necessary to take their lives. Trust that you made the best decision in the moment, and be thankful you had the stomach to do it. Otherwise we wouldn’t be here talking.”

I had nothing else to say. Everything Velvet had said rang true, and in the warmth of her arms, I lost myself. I let my heart crack, and the world around us faded away until all I could feel was the ache I had put in the back of my mind. I don’t know how long she held me, but I do know that we ended up on the couch and fell asleep sometime that night.

I awoke that morning with Lupa on my lap and my head resting on Velvet Breeze’s shoulder. I thought back to the night before and knew that I had made the right choice in trusting her. Thinking back to the event, I noticed that some of the sting was gone and that my heart wasn’t as full as it was before. I could breathe without that indomitable weight on my chest and the only thing I wanted now was to rest a little while longer. I closed my eyes and dozed off and on again until I woke once more, realizing that I was considerably more horizontal than I had been the last time I woke up. Velvet had gone off somewhere and Lupa was nowhere to be seen. I sat up and listened to hear the sound of something in the kitchen, where I was assuming Velvet was cooking. I got off my lazy bum and stretched, meandering over to the delectable scent of cooking eggs as I looked around, actually taking in my surroundings. Velvet’s abode was actually rather nice, if not a little spartan. A few bits and bobs of modern looking furniture were tastefully strewn around her flat, though I didn’t see anything that would specifically mark the place as decidedly male or female. I rather liked it, to be honest.

I walked into the kitchen and was greeted with a smile from Velvet herself and a bark from Lupa who immediately started nudging me with her head towards Velvet. I allowed myself to be pushed and chuckled all the way, pushing my big hunk of furry love away when I was a meter or so away from the grey mare. I gave her a smile that I could put my heart behind and received one in turn.

“I see somepony’s feeling better.” Velvet chimed

“Thanks to you, love. I owe you for last night.”

“I think I’ll keep that favor for later if I ever decide I need some extra hands when I move. You eat eggs?” She pointed at the skillet on the stove.

“I sure do. Thank you."

“You’re welcome.”

I went to sit down, but Lupa was right behind me, pushing me towards Velvet again.

“What do you want, Lupa? “

She barked and looked at Velvet. Velvet and I looked at her, then at each other.

“I don’t speak wolf, do you?”

“Nope, don’t believe I do.”

Velvet looked at the skillet. “You think she wants some eggs? I gave her some bread and gravy earlier, she might still be hungry.”

Lupa growled.

“I don’t think she wants eggs.” I stepped closer to Velvet and Lupa’s tail wagged twice.

Another step, another wag. I stepped back and she growled.

“I think she wants you to come over here, darlin’.”

“You’re probably right.” I walked over until I was within arms reach of Velvet.

Lupa barked and wagged her tail, walking in a circle. She sat up and looked at us expectantly.

“What do you think she wants?” Velvet asked me.

I reached over and turned the stove off, moving the skillet to a different aisle. Taking Lupa’s hint, I wrapped my arms around Velvet.

“I think she wants me to show some gratitude.” I grinned and kissed her gently, trying to let my actions speak what my words wouldn’t be able to.

She was a little surprised at first, but kissed me back in no time, surprising me in turn with a little tongue. I pulled back and grinned at her, enjoying the warm, fuzzy, comfy feeling that had enveloped my heart.

“If that’s how you show gratitude, I wonder how you’ll pay back that favor.”

“Any way you want, love.” I looked over at Lupa with Velvet still in my arms. She cantered over and ran a little circle around us; a blessing she’d never given me with Celestia.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I left a little bit after one, having enjoyed a nice breakfast with Velvet and Lupa. I'd decided to leave Lupa behind for now with Velvet's blessing so I would attract less attention. After getting some directions, I tracked down the Canterlot Museum of Art and History, the Equestrian Museum of History’s sister location. It was about an hours walk from Velvets flat, and the entire way there, I was comparing Velvet and Celestia. I know that’s not fair to either of them, but I was pondering the differences in the way they me feel, rather than their physical differences, seeing as how I’m not some shallow, topical twat. On one hand, the more I thought about the way Celestia had made me feel electrified like sparks were jumping between my digits, the more it felt like I had been engaging in some forbidden romance, like I had been trying to raise my self to her level so I was worthy. The comfort I felt with Celestia was… fabricated in a way and I wondered if she left all of her subjects with a similar feeling. The more I recollected, the more I was sure that I had fallen for Celestia’s image and stature, rather than the woman herself. Sure, we had flirted and joked back and forth, but in hindsight, it felt like Celestia was enjoying being treated as a normal person more than any real interest in me. I wasn’t completely sure that I wasn’t just bitter at having my trust betrayed after it had some time to settle in or if I was accurately remembering how I felt with her, so I decided to withhold final judgement until I talked to her again.

On the other hand, Velvet had given me a radiant feeling of warmth, different from what Celestia had. Velvet was soft and gentle, like stirring the coals of a fire that was ready to burst back into life, while Celestia’s had felt like the sun, constant and inviting until it burned you. I would have to talk to her to fully understand what I felt, but I was wary of getting hurt once more. I had little trust in her now, and felt like like she would take a stab at me if she felt justified. My head was muddled throughout my journey and it wasn’t until a guard stopped me and asked me just what exactly was I doing before I realized that I’d walked around the museum a few times now. With a quick explanation of ‘woman troubles’ and an apology, I headed inside. Already, the Canterlot Museum was far more grandiose than it's sister with it's tall marble columns and multi-storied layout. The place held similar relics to that of the Farrier Museum, but everything seemed to have an aura of importance that Farrier’s exhibits had been lacking, possibly given by the tapestries and decor of the Museum. It was a lovely place if you were a history oriented fellow, but I had been absent for a lot of the interesting history classes in school and didn’t care much for Equestria’s boring tales. No real wars to speak of, besides one with Gryphonia a long time ago, and one with the ‘Changelings’ that had barely any details. All in all, it was boring and tedious, though I had done some reading at Twilight’s despite the intense lack of interest.

I met the receptionist (an elderly stallion this time) and he led me to the office of the Curator. Maybe it was upper-crust atmosphere in the fellows office, but I already didn’t like the bastard. His faded black mane and mustache paired with his beige coat gave him an air of douchery that I was none to eager to converse with. That and the sheer disdain he glared at me with caused my lip to curl and the hair on my arms to stand on end. I could spot a sleazeball a mile away and I had big one right in front of me.

“You… are this Maximus the Princess has told me about?” He sneered.

“I am.” I pulled the Diadem of Sovereignty from my satchel and set it on his desk.

“I can’t believe you put the Diadem in some… bag. Do you even know what this item is worth?”

“Not enough to deal with you, I assure you. Can I go now?” I snarked.

“Please do.”

And so I did. Man, fuck that guy. I’m pretty sure he had some redeeming quality like ‘money’ or ‘status’, but other than that I got the same feeling from him that I got from a crime boss in Wiltshire; slimy and despicable with fewer morals than a desperate junkie. If I didn’t have to, I wasn’t going back to that place anytime soon and was quite happy that it was over and done with.

I stroked the Warbling Blade’s hilt as I left, taking long strides to get the hell out of there as soon as possible. I was stopped by the receptionist and he gave me a check that I could cash at Canterlot City Bank. It was worth eight thousand bits, but it felt like I holding a used bog roll. From the check, I learned that the dickbag's name was Bourgee and I cracked up at that. He certainly seemed the type, though I doubt any pony of Equestria would quite get the adequacy of his name.

I left the Museum in no small hurry and began the hour long walk from there to Canterlot Castle. I sighed inwardly, but I knew that I had to talk to Celestia at some point, and that point may as well be sooner rather than later. The trip itself was uneventful, but I did make a few stops along the way. My first was to the bank to cash my check and open an account there. The Teller seemed awfully surprised at the sum, though I was rather nonplussed. It wasn’t until later that I learned that I could rather easily buy a house in Canterlot, and furnish for it with that amount. It made me wonder what my house in Ponyville was worth and whether or not I should sell it to move here. I stashed the thought away for another time and continued walking. I left all of my earnings in the bank since I still had a little over a hundred and seventy bits in the pouch I had been given at the castle armory. I didn’t quite realize just how much I had been given at the time, though now I was seeing the gold, silver, and bronze pieces in a new light.

I don’t believe I’ve recorded the currency system of Equestria in my journals before, so I’ll do so now. The bronze bits were worth one, the silver twenty five, and the gold were worth fifty. It wasn’t a terribly complex system, so I never thought to jot it down, but I figured now would be the time just in case I became an amnesiac and needed to remember.

Come to think of it, thirteen entries in isn’t really the time to write that in, but I had run out of room in my earlier pages so fuck it I guess. It got explained. As it was, I had a gold bit, four silvers and twenty bronze to buy Velvet a present with, so I stopped at a sweets shop called 'Canterlot Crown Confectionery' and browsed their selection. I found a box or two of interesting looking chocolates for fifteen bits a piece and bought one as a thank you for my temporary roomie. I didn’t know what she liked, so I figured one of the variety boxes would do, and if nothing else, they would make a great snack for myself.

I made one more stop at a pet shop and bought a massive personalized collar for Lupa. I didn’t know how she would feel about it, but I figured the least I could do was get her something nice. I do know that she is colorblind, so any colors on it would for my benefit more so than hers, thus Lupa ended up with a black and royal blue collar that matched her eyes and coat rather well. With all of my purchases made, I continued to Canterlot Castle.

It didn’t take me much longer to get there, though the Day Guards at the gate were right pricks. It wasn't until I threatened them with Luna’s fury that they let me through. The thing was that they had their damn eyes closed the entire time! Up until I threatened them, they were happy to turn me away, but they looked when I incited a Princess’s name. If they could do their damn jobs I wouldn’t have given them the tongue lashing I did. Hmph. Fuck mothering twats.

I got an audience with Celestia an hour or so later, and let me tell you, standing in front of her had to be the most awkward experience so far. She had stammered a greeting and formally requested a private audience.

Once we were in a more private sitting room, she took a deep breath and calmed herself.

“Max, I’m so sorry, I never meant to hurt you like that. I was just frustrated and I felt everything I said was being ignored. The moment you left the room I cried for an hour, I never should have thrown the information you trusted me with in your face like that. I felt so terrible…” She looked like she felt terrible too. She seemed sincere, and my gut told me that her words had some veracity to them.

“I understand, Princess.” I replied evenly. I still couldn’t bring myself to be much more than irritated with her, despite her brutal words.

Celestia looked at me worried. “Do you forgive me, Max?”

“That’s a hard question to answer, Princess. I don’t want to forgive you, but you tried to warn me about Luna’s task, so I feel I owe you something for that.” Celestia looked stricken and confused.

“What do you mean? What happened during your mission?”

“I dirtied my hands with blood for the first time. It took it's toll on my soul.”

She looked like she was about to cry. “I’m so sorry, are you okay? Is there anything I can do for you, Max? I know it’s hard-”

I held a hand up to silence her. “A friend allowed me a shoulder to cry on and enough rationalizations to get the worst of the burden off of my heart. I don't doubt that I’ll have nightmares about it, but nothing will change the fact that I’m a killer now. I wish you would’ve told me about that before I left.”

“I tried, but I couldn’t! How would you look at Luna if you knew she dealt with trained killers? What would you think if I told you about our darker dealings?”

“Love, I wouldn’t have thought of you any differently. You forget that I’m not one of your innocent little ponies to be protected and sheltered. The moment I met you, I knew you had shady dealings that you couldn’t tell me about; no empire survives without them and yours is no different, it’s just more peaceful now. Did you really think that someone with as shady a past as mine would think less of you for some dirty work? I know you two have black operations that no Pony knows of, and I’m sure both of you have blood on your hands. Hell, you’ve lived for thousands of years; there’s no way you got here without spilling blood.”

“...You knew. You knew and you still trusted us?”

“Is that the royal 'Us' or yourself and Luna?”

“Max, please.”

I rolled my eyes. “I thought it was amusing. Yes, I still trusted you. I had no reason not to. For the most part, you’ve been nothing but good to me: giving me the benefit of a doubt when it came to the incident with Twilight, giving me a house of my own, bringing me to Canterlot to help me recover and stop me from getting revenge on Applejack and Fluttershy. All that adds up to a pretty decent person if you ask me.

Celestia was silent for a minute, digesting what I had just told her.“You’re different now. More mature than you were before you left.”

“Taking multiple lives tends to do that to people.”

“You still never answered my question, Max.”

“And that was?”

“Can you forgive me for betraying your trust?”

“I can. Don’t expect it now, however. That still hurt.”

She was quiet again. “On a scale of one to ‘I’ll kill you in your sleep’, how upset are you with me?”

“Uh, I’m really not? I’m hurt and a little wary of giving you more trust, but other than that, we’re fine Celestia. I could say I forgive you now, but I wouldn’t mean it completely and that’s the whole reason I would even say it.”

Celestia sighed a breath of relief though she still seemed upset.

“Something on your mind, Sunbutt?”

“I really wish you’d give that nickname up.”

“I could call you Double Sun.”

“Why would you do that?”

I gave her a cheeky grin and gesture toward her sizable bosom.

“That’s like me calling you Monkey Dick!”

“I assure you, I’m much larger than a monkey. You should know that, Double Sundae”

Celestia and I chuckled, enjoying the back and forth we had during the days when we first met. It seemed so long ago that we just flirted back and forth without getting anywhere back in Ponyville that it felt nice to get back to square one.

“What say we give this another shot, Max? I think we can talk through our issues if they come up, as long as I remember our boundaries. I can promise you that I won't betray your trust again like that.”

Uh oh.

“W-Well, I dunno how to put this, Celestia…”

“Max.”

“I’m kinda seeing another mare at the moment.”

“Oh thank god, I thought you were gay for a moment! You went on that mission with Crimson Tide and said you cried on a friend’s shoulder, I just went to the worst case scenario!”

“What’s so bad about being gay? Homophobic much?”

Celestia blushed and flustered. “There’s nothing wrong with homosexuality, Max! As long as my little ponies are happy, so am I. I was just worried that I wasn’t going to get another shot after messing up so badly.”

“You didn’t mess up badly enough to turn me gay, but doesn’t the whole ‘seeing another mare’ thing bother you?”

“Why would it? Polygamy isn’t uncommon these days.”

“What.”

“Does England not have polygamous relationships?”

“No, not really. It’s not unheard of, just looked down upon.”

“Are you saying you don’t want to try it?” Celestia’s ears twitched and lowered.

“...I’ll try anything once?”

“You don’t sound too sure about that, Max. Don’t force yourself to do it, you’ll only make yourself unhappy in the end.”

“Well, I’d have to bring Velvet over to meet you to see if she’s okay with it. I mean, It’s not fair to break up with you after one mistake, but it’s not fair to break things off with Velvet after what she’s just done for me. That, and Lupa gave us her blessing, so I think that’s a good sign.”

“Lupa never gave us her blessing.” Celestia pouted. It was adorable.

“You also never made me breakfast after consoling me, to be fair.”

“So Velvet is the owner of the shoulder you borrowed?”

“She is. Like I said, I’ll bring her here whenever it's convenient for both of you to meet, I think you’ll get along well.”

“We can only hope. I’ll arrange to take the rest of the day off so I can meet her properly.”

“In that case, I’ll be back shortly.” I gave her a peck on the cheek before I left.

I’ll admit, I was a little dazed after my meeting with Celestia. After all, it’s not everyday you find a Princess asking for your hand in a poly-amorous relationship with a mare that your dire wolf pushed you together with.

Good God, my life has gotten fucking weird real quick.

Luckily my walk wasn’t all that long since I had actually passed Velvet’s flat on the way over. I was going to stop by before to drop off my presents, but I didn’t think about it too hard and forgot to do so, but now I thought that the addition of chocolates to the news would soften the blow, or at least lessen some of the shock. Or maybe I could work this in a certain way and fuck with her. Yup, definitely going to fuck with her. I grinned like the devious bastard I was as I walked to her flat and knocked on the door. I had to make sure to wipe it off of my face before she realized something was up. After knocking twice and hearing nothing, I let myself in to find Lupa viciously mauling the poor mare on the floor like a wild animal!

Well, when I say ‘viciously’ I mean adorably and when I say ‘mauling’ I mean licking. Velvet was obviously going nowhere anytime soon and was giggling her head off as Lupa nuzzled and slobbered on her. I closed the door and leaned on it, smiling to myself wondering what I had done right in a past life to see such a heartwarming scene.

“Lupa, heel! Stop! Sit!” Velvet cried from underneath the wall of floof

Lupa did sit, but she chose her seat well. She was still squishing the poor mare and licking her face. I figured she had had enough so I intervened.

“Lupa, heel!”

I fucked up. Lupa’s head whipped around and she set her sights on me, leaping off of Velvet and lunging wildly. I managed to dodge her first attempt and tossed my bag off to the side. Lupa circled around and lunged at me again, but this time I tripped on my recently discarded bag and ended up flat on my arse with a slobbering wolf now standing over me. She pushed me down and I had no choice but to close my eyes and mouth and take my punishment like a man, though I’m pretty sure some of the sounds I made deducted points off of my man card. A good five or so minutes later, Lupa had had enough and let me up, covered in drool and fur. I looked around to find the source of the giggling that had been going on since I was pinned down and saw Velvet with a towel in hand.

“Thanks for the assist, darlin’. I don’t think my mane would’ve appreciated being soaked in dog drool.”

“Lupa’s not a dog, love, but I hear you. Can I have that for a moment or two?” I asked, chuckling

She tossed the towel my way and I got the worst of the drool off before Velvet asked me a question,

“So what do you mean when you say Lupa’s not a dog?”

“Well, she’s not a dog.” Lupa barked. “She might act like it sometimes, but she’s definitely not a dog.

“So what exactly is she? I’ve never seen a bear that friendly or a timber wolf that furry.”

“From the size of her, I’d say she’s a dire wolf, or something like it at least. I thought You knew that.” I cocked my head to the side with the wolf in question mimicking me.

“I’ve never seen one. I thought she was just a really, really big dog of some kind.”

I fished around in my bag for Lupa’s collar and her chocolates. “You could say that, but she’s more than just a friendly fluffball if she needs to be.” I handed the chocolates to Velvet and held the collar up for Lupa.

“Awww, you didn’t have to, but I’m glad you did. I’ve been meanin’ to get down to the Triple C sometime.”

“Glad you like them. I figured I’d give you a little something for opening your home to Lupa and I.” I approached Lupa with the collar and she cocked her head again, looking at me with some confusion.

“Again, you didn’t have to, darlin’. If Lupa’s not a dog, why are you tryin’ to put a collar on her?”

“Because I think it’d be cute on her. Besides, if she has a collar, more Ponies are going to be less terrified of her.” I’d gotten the collar around Lupa and she trotted off to the general direction of the bathroom.

Velvet and I shared a look before going in after her to see what was up. We peeked in to see a massive wolf preening in the mirror.

“I think she likes it.” Velvet said after a moment.

“It even has her name on it.”

We walked back to Velvet's living room and I took a moment to observe her attire: A nice white cardigan over a dark blue camisole with dark denim jeans. Quite tasteful, if you ask me. Velvet noticed me looking and gave me a puzzled smile, which I returned. I took a deep breath and readied myself for some possible shouting.

“So how do you feel about polygamous relationships?”

“They’re fine. I wouldn’t mind one, if that’s what you’re askin’.”

“That is what I’m asking. I just came back from speaking with the woman who supposedly left me ‘heart broken’,” I used some air quotes, “and we decided that ending it over one mistake didn’t sit well with either of us. She enlightened me to the odd fact that polygamy isn’t uncommon among you Ponies so I figured we could give it a try. If you’re willing, that is.”

“Well, I’d like to meet the other mare in this equation before I agree to anything. Though that makes me wonder what you’d have done if I’d said no.”

“I’d have chosen you. It takes a kind soul to accept and console someone they barely know. It’s not as hard to restrain someone from seeking revenge if you’re in a certain position.”

“That’s true, but I’m not too sure you should trust somepony that just broke your heart so soon.”

“Everyone deserves a second chance. You’ll understand better once you meet her though.”

“What’s her name?”

“You’ll find out when we get there, though we should probably wash up first.”

Velvet shot me a sultry grin. “If we shower together, it’ll be faster”

(Ctrl+F [ FTS ] Scene is Over)

Lupa tactfully made herself scarce as Velvet and I started kissing in the living room. We started innocently enough with pecks and smooches, but they soon devolved into a contest of will, each of us playfully struggling for dominance. I let her win, of course, but that didn’t stop her from taking advantage and exploring my mouth with her tongue. Her control wasn’t the finest, but her enthusiasm more than made up for it. We allowed our hands to roam across each other’s bodies. Mine started with her breasts and ended on her fine derriere which was a beautiful balance of plump and squeezable yet toned; proof of vigorous exercise and careful sculpting. I cupped each lovely cheek in both hands as her own hands stroked my chest and arms, eventually weaving around my back to pull me closer which caused her pleasant C-cups to press against my chest in the most delectable way. All the while we never broke our kiss as we continued to probe and analyze the other. She broke our kiss by biting my lip and entreated me to a sexy smile. Velvet took hold of my hands and lead me to her lavatory where we began anew, this time without the haste we’d previously had, slowing down to enjoy the moment. Velvet, ever the proactive one, removed my shirt and began working on my belt with no further motivation.

With my trousers and shirt gone, I took off my last piece of clothing and Velvet grasped my member with vigor, firmly enough to let me know that she had plans for it. I interrupted her with another kiss and whisked her cardigan with her camisole following soon after. I grinned at her blue silk covered brazier and unclasped it quickly, taking a moment to kiss each pert tip before I began working on her jeans.She stepped out of them in a hurry to continue where we’d left off, but my fully erect member demanded attention after being let down on two different occasions. Velvet took it in her hand once more and pressed my tip into the moistening folds of her sex as I kissed and nibbled on the nape of her neck, following her lead by rubbing my tip against her nether regions. I had taken control and I could hear her barely suppress moans from my efforts which only emboldened me to further. I leaned down to take one of her now stiff nipples in my mouth and felt her hand pushing my head back. I gave her a befuddled smile.

“We can do foreplay another time. I want you now, Max”

I grinned and hooked my fingers through her panties, pulling them down.

“Your wish is my command”

With the last article of clothing finally gone, Velvet turned around and lead my member to entrance, not wanting to wait longer than absolutely necessary. I eased my way in, moaning at the feeling of her velveteen walls as they held me firmly, pulsing around my shaft and tip. When I had fully hilted her, I began thrusting slowly, not wanting to waste the moment. During my exploratory motions, I had found a familiar little bump with my tip, causing Velvet to finally release her lovely voice. I grinned to myself and angled myself by hiking a leg up on the rim of the shower, grinding her G-spot with my shaft as I thrusted into her. I was rewarded with another beautiful moan and that’s when I began in earnest, picking up the pace. With my hand feathering and stroking her clitoris, I switched angles on every eleventh thrust to keep my mind focused on lasting longer, and to vary her experience. I felt her walls quiver while I was on my sixth cycle and Velvet when silent for a moment, her moans beginning with a new vitality they’d not had before. She was getting close and so was I. Redoubling my efforts, I maintained my pace while thrusting deeper into her now dripping sex, using the full length of my shaft to grind against her little bump. Velvet’s walls tightened and I could feel her squeezing down on my shaft, my poor endurance taking a heavy hit as she climaxed. I was seconds behind her and kept thrusting all the way through, my seed spilling deeply within her. We sat there and enjoyed the afterglow for while longer before my member could come back to strength.

Velvet began to stand before a placed a hand on her lower back.

“What, no round two?” I asked innocently

Velvet turned her head and grinned at me, her answer clearly expressed without a word, though she did remove me from her soaked entrance. She kissed me passionately on shaky legs while my restored member was making it known that it was ready for action. Velvet lifted a leg and held me against her, gripping my lower head. She placed me against her entrance once more and this time I felt a little less resistance as our juices mingled. From this angle, I couldn’t feel that familiar little protuberance, but that didn't stop me from giving her my best. The second time around I knew I would last longer, so I wasted no time setting a quicker pace. My work paid off as I had Velvet moaning again in under five minutes. Her slick walls were exquisite, and now that I had more time, I maintained my pace and held her shapely posterior with one hand and rubbed her clit with my thumb. I slipped the tip of my finger in her bottom and her half lidded eyes shot open. I had plenty of lubrication to work with, so I gently eased my middle finger deeper, causing her to bite her lip and murmur softly.

“I didn’t quite catch that, love.” I said in time with my thrusts.

“I-I said we’ve got to t-try that next t-time!” She stammered

“What’s stopping us now?”

I kept impaling her on my shaft, so it as hard to hear her answer so I cut my speed in half.

“Say again, love?”

“I said buck me however you want,” She replied in between breaths, “just be gentle”

I kissed her once more, taking my turn to explore her mouth as she moaned through her nose. I wasn’t ready to pull out just yet, so I waited for twenty two strokes and removed myself slowly as Velvet sighed. She turned once more and presented her impossibly perfect posterior towards me again, reaching back to spread herself and give me quite the view. I dipped two fingers into her wet sex and coated them thoroughly before lightly prodding her rosebud with my index finger. Once I had pressed it as far as it would go, I removed it and inserted my middle finger, stroking her insides as I pulled it out. I repeated the process until she had a small orgasm, shuddering from my endeavors. While she was still mid-climax, I worked two finger into her, going as slowly as needed in order to avoid hurting her. By the time I had added a third, I was only semi hard and she was nearly ready. I rubbed my tip against her sodden entrance to lubricate it once more and pressed my tip into her, sliding in with a 'pop'. She gasped and moaned as I smoothly worked my way in, her tight, bumpy walls giving me a different sort of pleasure than before. I continued to work her clit the deeper I went, and she had another small orgasm around the halfway point. I kept at it until I was fully inside of her, and I was struggling to hold on as her walls flexed around my shaft. It was something I had only read about before and found myself enjoying it profoundly. Velvet murmured a few times, softly begging me to start. I had no reservations and began thrusting gradually, my fingers never stopping their assault on her clit though they did alter their methods; lightly pinching, stroking and flicking. I couldn’t help but pick up the pace a little as my pleasure grew, though I was careful to avoid going too quickly for her. The music she awarded me with along with her urges to hurry up and go faster were all the motivation I needed. I set a decent pace and knew that I had mere minutes to get Velvet to her climax before I met my own, so I counted my strokes and her moans as my pleasure kept rising. Fortunately for me, I only needed to work for a few minutes before I recognized the silence before the storm. I pulled out and quickly dipped my member in her wet sex once more before reinserting it into her other entrance. From there, it was only a minute more before Velvet was in the throes of her most intense orgasm yet, and as her walls tightened around me, I found myself unable to move. I was paralyzed as her walls squeezed my shaft, unable to thrust until her climax subsided. I slid my rod from her and her legs collapsed from underneath her. Catching her just it time, I eased her down and let her rest against my chest.

“We still have to shower, you know”

Velvet muttered something under her breath along the lines of ‘Go buck yourself”

I chuckled and held her, my erection not subsiding. I took the time to gently play with her breasts, stroke her mane and nibble on her ears. All brought different sounds with them. A few minutes had passed and Velvet was finally able to get back on her feet, however unsteady. I walked her over to the shower and turned it on, waiting for the water to get warm before helping her in. We washed each other, though it was strange using a full body shampoo on someone, but it wasn’t too odd. My erection was still making it's presence known, even after a thorough washing (probably because of the washing come to think of that). Once I was clean, Velvet knelt down and popped my tip into her mouth, her wide tongue wrapping itself about. As she began to bob her head, I focused on enjoying the moment, not wanting to make her work longer than necessary to get me off. I had been close at her last orgasm and I was coming back to that point quickly from her skills. I had felt the ever so recognizable feeling of reaching my climax once more before I had warned her. Once I did, Velvet augmented her efforts by working my shaft with her hands and swirling her tongue around my helmet until I was ready to orgasm again. I fired load after load into her silken mouth as she kept working. Once I had finished, she opened her mouth and showed me what she had collected before visibly swallowing. We traded contented smiles and dried off, groping and fondling each other whenever we saw something we liked.

“So, darlin’, how was it?”

“Better than you could ever know, love”

(Ctrl+F [ FTS ] Scene is over)

We’d taken so long in the lavatory that the sun was only an hour or so away from setting, so I ushered Lupa and Velvet out of the flat and onto the street. I took my long strides and Lupa kept up without a problem, though I noticed after a spell that Velvet was lagging behind, so I slowed down a bit and let her catch up.

“You know I can’t keep up with ya after what ya just did to me right? My legs are still tryin’ to figure out how to work again.”

“Sorry love, I’ll keep it in mind. At least, I would, but I don’t want to surprise anyone who happens to glance down, they might get jealous.” I quipped, my mood boosted.

“If ya want me to take a jab at your ego, keep talkin’.”

I shut up.

We covered ground quickly enough, though we had to stop once or twice to let Velvet rest a bit. I didn’t know what she was feeling so I was happy to oblige, and Lupa was just enjoying the time outside. I talked to Velvet, trading some stories with her as we strolled and hearing her input on the upper class society of Equestria. Before she had been demoted to a guard at the Teleportation station, she had been a rank and file Night Guard. In fact, she had gone to the most recent Grand Galloping Gala and had quite a bit to say about the ‘stuck-up, lazy, no good, spoiled rotten foals’ that had attended. It seemed that we shared a lot when it came to the nobility and we even had the same feeling about the curator of the Canterlot Museum of Art and History; he was sleazeball who most likely lied, cheated, and bribed his way into his position. I held the man in low regards if any, but Velvet actually hated the bastard. Apparently he had groped on one of her assignments, then denied the action citing that she was ‘a filthy commoner who should be grateful that a man of his stature even deigned it worth his time to talk to her.’ I was going to punch that guy the next time I saw him, well connected or not.

This time around, the Day Guards let us onto the Castle grounds without any kerfuffle since Velvet was a Night Guard herself. They took the time to glare at me and I flashed them an ‘up yours’ gesture. Of course they didn’t get it, but I did and that’s all that mattered. We walked into the castle and Lupa walked off to the castle gardens before Velvet asked the question that had been bugging her for half the day.

“So just who is this paramour of yours? If she works in the castle she must be important, or maybe you just like the maid outfits.”

“I do like a proper maid outfit, but she’s not one of the maids, little more stature than that, love.”

“Then who is it? Is it the Head of Staff?”

“You got me. It’s no fun if you guess it,.” I pulled a fake frown while I was inwardly grinning.

“You know that mare is wound up tighter than a spinster's rear, right? I don’t see what you see in her and I’m pretty sure I’ve known her longer.”

“You might’ve known her longer, but I know her better.” We took a turn and continued chatting about the pros and cons of the ‘Head of Staff’.

The sitting room Celestia had instructed me to go to when I returned was empty when we arrived, so I offered Velvet a seat while we waited. I lounged on a couch for a while before Celestia returned with a cake and a pot of tea behind her.

“It’s about time you got here, Max! I’ve been waiting for hours!” Celestia chided

Velvet's jaw dropped as she scurried to kneel before her ruler. “P-Princess! I-er-we weren’t expectin’ you!”

I bit my lips in order to hold back a smile and glanced over at Celestia and raised my eyebrows. She gave me a womanly look before it turned into a mischievous smile.

“Rise, and take a seat. May I have your name?” Celestia asked politely

“I-I’m Velvet Breeze, member of Princess Luna’s Night Guard”

“And I’m Max”

Velvet shot me a glare before she rose and took a seat. I hadn’t moved but I did smooth my face over before she could see.

“Hello Velvet Breeze, I see you’re waiting here for somepony?” Celestia set the tea set and the cake down.

“Y-yes Your Highness, We’re waitin’ for Ms. Moonlit Stream, the Head of Staff.”

“Oh, well I’m sorry but Moonlit Stream will be unavailable for quite a while; there was an issue with the staffing for next week and she’ll be sorting through it until later tonight when Princess Luna takes over.”

Velvet looked even more nervous, most likely because we didn’t have someone to vouch for us now. “Well t-that’s unfortunate, perhaps we’ll see her another time.” She glanced over at me with an expression that said ‘we need to go’.

I maintained a straight face and raised an eyebrow. “Hey Celestia, mind if I nab a cuppa?”

Velvet looked horrified.

“A cup of what?”

“Cuppa tea if you please.”

“Of course! Would you like some cake to go with it? I’m rather fond of it myself.”

“I dunno, what kind is it?”

Velvet looked at me with her eyes wide. She couldn’t believe what was happening.

“Germaneigh Chocolate,” Celestia poured me a cup and floated a slice over to me, “from the best shop in town, if a princesses palate is anything to go by.”

I tried the cake, and of course it was delicious, but seeing Velvets face made it even better.

“I don’t think your palate works right, this ain’t nothin’ to praise.” I winked at Celestia and she pretended to be offended.

“Well, now. Maybe it’s your palate that doesn’t work! I think Canterlot Crown Confectionery does just fine.” She huffed

By now Velvet had buried her face in her hands. Celestia and I shared a look.

“I think we should have Velvet Breeze be the tiebreaker, do you agree, Max?”

“Yeah, if her sense of taste is as refined as her arse I think she’s a pretty good choice.”

If Velvet looked horrified before, she looked absolutely mortified now. To be embarrassed in front of a Princess! She shot me the darkest glare I had seen in awhile, though it came off as incredibly adorable due to her intense blush. Celestia floated a piece of cake and a cup of tea over to her which she took in trembling hands. She set the tea down and took a bite of the cake.

“I-I agree with the Princess, it’s good.” She said in a small voice.

Celestia herself tried a piece of the cake and made a face. “Ew. Max, how did you eat this?”

“I was trying to be polite, but fuck, love. I told you it wasn’t up to par.”

“How true. I believe Ms. Velvet was just trying to preserve my feelings.” Celestia and I looked at her and she shrunk into her seat, trying to make herself invisible and failing.

I couldn’t hold it anymore and neither could Celestia: We burst out laughing at the same time, rocking Velvet’s poor little world in her seat. She looked so lost and confused it was hard to stop. After what felt like an hour I finally managed to get a hold of myself.

“Hey, Vel!” I giggled

“W-what?” She still looked completely lost.

“Meet our girlfriend, Princess Celestia!” The mare in question lost it and made the cutest snort. At that we looked at each other and began anew.

“Wait, What? What are you two laughin’ at!? What do you mean?!” Velvet all but screamed

“Celly’s the ‘Head of Staff’ I was talking about, love. She’s the 'tight ass' who quote unquote ‘broke my heart’. Still feel like telling her off?”

“It’s been a pleasure meeting you Velvet. I hope we get along well in the future!” Celestia giggled

“Are you bucking kidding me?! You-” She pointed at me, “ and you?” She pointed at Celestia

“Yes, that’s what we’re telling you. I apologize for the joke, but your reactions were so priceless!” Celestia got up and walked over to the mare in question. I stood next to her and gave both of them a peck on the cheek.

“Are you okay, Vel? You look like someone just tickled your bum. Oh! And speaking of, “ I turned to Celestia, “on the way over Velvet and I were having a chat and it turns out she lost some rank due to a chap named Bourgee. Apparently he molested her and when she brought it up to her commanding officer, the bastard had the nerve to insult her and deny it simultaneously! Can you believe that?”

“Dear Celestia, I need to lie down” Velvet said in disbelief.

“You don’t have to tell me, dear, feel free. I will look into this matter,” Celestia looked outside, “Now, actually. A simple truth spell will sort this matter out, and the sun has only begun to set. The Museum should be open for a few more hours. What say we take a stroll, Max? Velvet?”

Velvet was lying down, still thunderstruck.

“We’ve got the time for her to come back, don’t we?” I asked, amused

“We do. So why did it take you two so long to get here?” Celestia asked with a glimmer in her eye.

Velvet shot up straight. “We were attacked by Lupa, she went absolutely savage, licked everything, sat on top of me for hours!”

Celestia raised an eyebrow at me. “I don’t know how long Lupa was on her, but it was obviously a while. She was covered in drool when I got back to her flat. The Lupa switched to me and I was stuck on the ground for a bit. Both smelled like wolf slobber, had to clean up.”

Velvet shot me a grateful look and Celestia hadn’t lowered that eyebrow yet.

“What?” I asked trying to sound innocent.

“If you two go at it again and don’t invite me, I’m arresting both of you.” Celestia said with a completely straight face.

“Fair enough,” I replied calmly. “But you’ve got to have a visit with Velvet sometime. Lovely flat, very tasteful. Great arse too, I wasn’t messing about on that.”

Celestia and Velvet blushed and shared a look. “Ya know, if we’re sharin’ him it's only fair.” Velvet said meekly, a smile forming on her face

It was Celestia’s turn to smile. “True, it’s only fair.” They both looked at me and grinned.

“I think I need an adult.”

“I’m one of the oldest beings on the planet.” Celestia’s smile grew a little darker

“I’m an adult too.” Velvet’s did the same.

I knew running was pointless, so I tried charm.

“How about you two lovely ladies not and say we did, yeah? We still have something to do if you don’t recall, absolutely gotta make it to the Museum!” I gave them my most winning smile.

They traded looks once more. Celestia gripped me with her magic and they both approached me slowly. “I’ll have to set an alarm for an hour, I do want to get our business done” Celestia said.

“We have two until the Museum closes, and I’m sure Bourgee doesn’t head home right at closin’.”

It was a going to be a long two hours.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

After our time was up, and my pelvis was aching terribly. Velvet, Celestia and I were walking down to the Museum. Lupa had joined us as we left the castle and was trotting along happily. Celestia had to don a rather attractive disguise, but other than that, nothing worth mentioning happened. Well, nothing besides Celestia molesting both Velvet and I in public with her magic mane. I struggled to walk a straight line, though I wasn’t complaining, and the ladies were walking with a certain bounce to their step that had been missing before those two hours that were not worth mentioning again.

Every so often Velvet would twitch and I knew that Celestia was doing something. She diverted her attention to me every once in awhile and I had to duck down a side alley once to adjust myself. It was a fun walk, all things said, and by the end of it, all three of us were blushing up a storm. When we had finally gotten into the Museum, we had brought some blue maned, white coated stallion inside with us. He had been waiting outside, so I assumed Celestia had ordered him there or something, though he didn’t really say much.

Celestia transformed back into the stunning mare I knew her to be, and our little party fell in line behind her. I swear the elderly receptionist nearly had a heart attack when he saw her, but he bowed nonetheless. Celestia strolled through the Museum like she owned the place, probably because she did, and knocked authoritatively on Bourgee’s door. The salty fuck yelled something inaudible which she took to mean ‘come right on in!’, so that we did. The fellow hurriedly stuffed something under his desk and looked up with breath drawn to yell. He saw who it was and thought better.

“Your Highness, what a pleasant surprise! Have you come for a tour of the Museum?” He asked nervously.

“Shining Armor,” The blue maned guy stepped forward. “Cast the spell.”

His horn lit up and Bourgee’s eyes glazed over with a magenta sheen. His expression went from nervous to fearful.

“Bourgee, did you accost a Night Guard named Velvet Breeze and use your connections to drop her rank?”

“Yes Princess.” He replied, his voice shaking like he was trying to hide it.

“Then you will be accompanied by guards to Day Court first thing tomorrow morning. I thought you were a pillar of the community, Bourgee. I can't express my disappointment in you.”

Celestia turned to leave and the rest of the party followed. Velvet and I turned back to see the look on the slimy bastards face: he looked like someone pissed in his soup. It was suitable.

We all walked outside, though not before Celestia turned her disguise back on. The guy who I later learned was the Captain of the Guard was speaking to Celestia when Velvet, Lupa and I rejoined them.

“-still haven’t found the culprit. I don’t understand, Your Majesty! Who breaks into somepony’s house just to reorganize it?!”

I looked away and tried not to look guilty. Velvet gave me an odd look.

“I’m sure we’ll find whoever made a mess of your parents home, Shining, there can’t be many ponies with that kind… of… expertise.” Shit. Looks like Celestia put it together.

“We will, Your Majesty. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“Not at the moment, thank you Shining Armor. You are dismissed."

The dude left and our little party shrank a little. Celestia glared at me for a moment before teleporting us all back into the sitting room we’d previously been in.

“Max.”

“Yes love?”

“...Why did you break into my Guard Captain’s parent's house?”

Velvet gasped and I put on a surprised face. “Whaaat? Me, no way! I’ve been out of town for a while and I spent the night at Velvet’s. When did the crime happen?”

“The same night you went to Gryphonia.”

“The night we met?” Velvet asked incredulously

“That’s the one. I don’t know what you’re talking about, Celestia.”

“Lupa, did Max break into a house that night? Bark for yes, growl for no.”

I looked at Lupa and silently pleaded for her not to sell me out.

“Woof!”

Fucking mutt.

Celestia shook her head and rubbed her temples. “Did you take anything?”

I sighed. “I considered it, but I thought it’d be funnier if I made something.”

“You turned their entire downstairs into a maze with a pyramid of chairs in the middle. How?”

“You can get a lot done when you’re quiet”

“Is this seriously the kinda thing I’m gettin’ myself into?” Velvet asked.

“Yup.” Celestia and I answered at the same time.

“In fairness, nothing was damaged, nothing is missing, and no one was hurt. How about we let this one go unsolved?”

“You know those are… You know what? Never mind, you’ll find out soon enough. As punishment…” Celestia thought.

“Don’t be too hard on him, Your Highness, I know you gotta do somethin’, but if you lock him up it looks terrible.”

“I would never dream of it, Velvet! And please do call me Celestia in private, if we’re going to make this work, we need to be on equal ground outside of politics.”

“Does anyone my input?” I asked

They both responded. “Shut up, Max.”

“What do you suggest, Velvet? I don’t really know what’s suitable yet not too harsh. I’d like to be able to talk to him and scold him whenever I want. Of course, I'd extend any methods of communication to you as well, dear.”

“He has a place in Ponyville, right? Make him serve his time there.”

Celestia and I shared a look.

“There’s somethin’ ya’ll aren’t tellin’ me, me isn’t there?”

“I may have had personal vendetta’s against two of the residents in the past.”

“...Do I even want to ask?”

Celestia sighed and made a gesture for me to tell my story. I gave Velvet the rundown.

“I was a former thief looking for a new life. Two friends of the woman I was staying with at the time learned about my past, so I begged them to keep it a secret. Another one of those friends overheard my story and called me out during a picnic. I stormed off, nearly got sucker punched, sucker punched the mare that almost sucker punched me and fucked off for a bit. Went to apologize and nearly got killed by one of the ponies I asked to keep my secret. Woke up in a hospital pissed as all Hell so Celestia brought me to Canterlot to let me heal and cool off. I’ve healed and cooled off, but I can’t promise not to deck the pony that nearly killed me or the one that spilled my secret. That’s about it.”

“...I’m so confused.”

Celestia went into more detail with her explanation and Velvet was brought up to speed.

“Well, maybe Max is ready to face them? He seems like he’d be mature enough to handle it without killing somepony.” Velvet reasoned. I blanched at the mention of killing someone.

Both mares saw that and looked at me. “Well, you have grown since you’ve come back. If you don’t feel like you could keep yourself under control, you can stay here.” Celestia bartered. I think she forgot that it was supposed to be a punishment.

“I’ll be fine, love. I’m ready to speak with Applejack, and I’ll need to talk to Fluttershy, but as long as they both don’t mind there shouldn’t be a problem.”

“I’m not sure I’m okay with this; we just consummated our relationship, after all. I know that Luna's agents aren't in one place for long, but I'd really like to spend some more time with him before we send Max off somewhere he nearly got killed!” Velvet reasoned

“I've got a few jars of dragon fire we can use to send messages back and forth, if that's any consolation. We’ve got to have faith in him. If he says he can handle it, we’ve got to trust him.”

“So that’s it? I’m off to Ponyville? To a point, I think I'd prefer a short stint in jail”

No one seemed very happy about that. So much for my good day.

Chapter Fourteen: I Hate Being Mr. Nice Guy
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Fourteen: I Hate Being Mr. Nice Guy

Chapter Fourteen: I Hate Being Mr. Nice Guy

I was sitting in Velvet’s living room after she and Celestia had given me their verdict. I was idly juggling throwing knives (a skill I picked up after learning how to throw them) as Lupa paced around Velvet’s easy chair where the mare herself resided. Velvet had told me on the way over that she already regretted even bringing up the idea of sending me to Ponyville, and Celestia didn’t seem terribly pleased either, but I thought they were punishing themselves more than me. Who can stand not having me around? I’ve gotta be the funniest human on this planet, though it doesn’t hurt that I’m probably the only one. In any case, Velvet seemed rather distraught and Lupa didn’t seem to happy herself. Judging by Celestia’s manner when we left, she was going to miss me, but I meant what I said pertaining to visiting Velvet; Celly and I shared a twisted sense of humor, and if Velvet liked it in me, I hoped that she would also enjoy Celly’s particular brand.

I didn’t really know what a polyamorous relationship entailed: were Celestia and Velvet expected to be romantically involved at all? Or were they only connected by me, and if they were, would I have to manage my time between them? It was going to be tough come Christmas time if I had to choose between them, or on dates. I was going to have to play to each of their interests, spend quality time with both of them, effectively putting in twice the normal effort, and I didn’t doubt that I was up to the task, nor did I doubt that I loved both of them. The only thing I was really worried about was them getting along, seeing as how Celestia was the highest power in the land besides Luna. If Celly said jump, it would take time before Velvet stopped asking how high mid-air and seeing as she was a Pegasus, it would be amusing to see how long she would float in place before asking.

I tried to put my thoughts aside, but with sharp objects in the air, I was kinda worried about breaking my concentration, so I caught them one at a time and placed them aside. Velvet finally looked at me once she noticed I’d stopped and offered me a weak smile. I could tell that she was a little perturbed and more than a little guilty about proposing the terms of my punishment without knowing the situation, but I’d already told her that I was ready to handle it like an adult, and that it was a good idea. Velvet still didn’t look convinced and her body language told me a lot, like that her arse was still sore. It also told me that she was deep in thought.

“What’s on your mind, love? I’m telling you that Ponyville isn’t that dangerous, I was just unlucky with my selection of ‘friends’. After a little chat, I probably won’t see them more than a couple times. I’m not exactly Mr. Social, you know.”

“I hear ya, darlin’, but I know to trust ya on that. If you’re good enough to lay the Princess Celestia, I’m sure you’re smart enough to talk your way out of a scuffle with some small towners.”

Something still wasn’t right. “If that’s not what’s on your mind, then what is? You told me yesterday that nothing good comes from keeping your worries locked up.”

Velvet sighed and rubbed her face. “I ain’t tryin’ to keep nothin’ from ya, but I just don’t know how to tell you without soundin’ foalish.”

“Trust me, you’re far from it, love. Disregarding how it sounds, talk to me, let me in.”

“I’m just worried about Celestia is all. I know I’m not much compared to her, and she has everything you could want in a mare; money, power, influence, looks. There’s not much I can offer ya that she can’t, Max, and it kinda niggles at my pride.”

“You don’t need to bring anything to the table other than yourself, Vel, that’s all I’ll ever want from you. I like you and Celestia for different reasons, and her position has nothing to do with why I find her attractive. It’s the way both of you make me feel that I enjoy, and it’s not just the physical aspects. You make me feel like I have someone, besides Lupa, that I can talk to about anything. I don’t doubt that you’ll judge me, but I trust that you’ll give me your opinion without being a twat about it and I just don’t get that from Celestia.” I paused and thought for a bit “You make me feel at home. Celestia, on the other hand, is funny and a little harder to read which makes her interesting in her own way. I can’t even really compare the two of you which is probably why you occupy two very different parts of my heart. I see in you the woman I always felt I needed and I see in the Celestia the woman I always thought I wanted. To be completely honest with you, I’m more confident in our relationship than I am with Celly’s because you seem more… Grounded, I guess. She’s down to earth for a noble, but you just make more sense to me is the way I would describe it. That’s not to say I think it’ll work out between us and not between me and Celestia, I just don’t see us fighting as much.”

“Seems like you’ve put a lot of thought into the whole thing. I had a feeling that you thought more than you spoke, but I wasn’t expectin’ you to go all out.”

I shrugged. “I just want to make both of you happy, and that takes thought.” I resheathed the knives I had placed aside.

“Can’t say my worries are gone, but I do feel better. Thank you for that, Max.”

“Just know that if I can help, I happily will. You mean a lot to me, Velvet, and I hope you remember that the next time you’re caught up in your thoughts.”

“If I didn’t have the majority of those chocolates left, I’d say you’re the sweetest thing in Canterlot, darlin’. Don’t think you’re off the hook for that joke you and The Princess pulled earlier, though. That was just evil!”

“If you were in my position, I don’t think you would’ve done it, which just makes it even better. I know you’ll laugh at it later, just give it a while.”

“I’m not laughin’ now, so you’re still in some hot water. I still can’t bring myself to believe that you managed to get that close to one of the princesses so soon! How did you even do that?”

“Treated her like I treat you: as a person. Don’t get me wrong, I still give her respect because she runs a frigging country and did so alone for a millennia, but she’s still just another person who needs to cut loose and relax every now and then.”

“I guess it’s just going to take me awhile to get used to the prospect. I’m so used to treating her like a ruler that becoming something other than her subject just shocks me.”

“Speaking of, what is Celestia to you in one of these types of relationships? Is she like, your lover too? Or is she like a sister or something to you now?”

“Well, as far as I know, it just depends on how close we become. I know some stallions, usually nobles, keep somethin’ like a harem of mares and within that harem they call each other sisters, but if it’s a smaller thing and the mares in question look at each other romantically, I think it’s called a ‘Minog a Troy’ or somethin’ like that.”

“You mean a Menage a’ Trois?”

“Yeah that thing. In the end, it really just depends on me and Celestia. I can’t say I haven’t given it some thought to what it’d be like to marry one of the Princesses before-”

“Wait, you’re bisexual?”

“Yeah, I guess. I’ve yet to do anything other than kiss a mare, but I’ve always been curious, and that little threesome-”

“I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Why not? You did pretty well, considering you had two mares to please.”

“And I’m still paying for it. It would be hotter than the fires of Hell if you and Celestia had a go, however. I would love to see that.”

“Hm, Hearth’s Warming Eve is coming up in a few months, you might have something to look forward to.”

“I don’t know what that is, but I think I like it now.”

“You don’t know about Hearth’s Warming Eve!? Next you’ll tell me you’ve never heard of Heart’s and Hooves Day, or Nightmare Night!”

“Not ringing any bells, love.”

“Oh lordy, how can you not have heard of those? Have you been living under a rock?”

“No, I've been living in a different planet or dimension by my reckoning. And before you ask; no, I don’t know how I got here. I just know it’s been better than what my old life was so far.”

“You’re from a different world? How did that not come up in conversation?”

“No one ever asks. I’m kinda offended that you wanted my body more than you wanted to know me.” I fake pouted.

Velvet and I delved into the world that was my own after I’d laid down that tidbit of information. Apparently I became even more interesting and exotic once I’d told her that I wasn’t from ‘Mane’, a northern territory of Equestria. She had thought that my ‘accent’ was from there, and had ruled out ‘Bridleland’, the island analogous to England, because I didn’t use pony swears like they did. Once I had informed her that my home nation was basically that of Bridleland but with humans, she connected the dots and fawned over my ‘handsome’,’authentic’ Equuish. I told her she was full of it before I realized she was being serious. I knew Americans back on my world had admired the way my people spoke, but I hoped that they didn’t like it as much as Velvet did. I would bet that the mare asked more questions just to hear me speak rather than genuine curiosity, but it was nice that she was listening and taking an interest in me. Call me an attention whore, but I never realized how much I wanted it before I actually got it. It was nice to have someone look at you as more than just another bug to be scraped off their boot or some guttersnipe that wasn’t going anywhere in life. It really just reaffirmed what I’d said about her earlier; she made me feel like I belonged, that I was interesting.

We talked long into the night before a courier came and delivered a letter telling me to meet with Luna in the morning before I left for Ponyville. I assumed she wanted a debriefing about what went down in Gryphonia or to give me another mission. Either way, I figured that since it was past midnight anyways, it counted as morning, so I asked if Lupa or Velvet wanted to accompany to the castle again. After a few hurried excuses from Velvet and a yawn from Lupa, I just went by myself which really didn’t bother me. I was beginning to enjoy my walks alone since I didn’t have to talk to anyone, but that did mean I was stuck with my own thoughts and that never went terribly well for me.

I kept pondering who I would speak to first in Ponyville; Applejack, Fluttershy, Or Rainbow Dash. I figured I would give Rainbow my gratitude first, talk to Fluttershy second, and save Applejack for last, though I wasn’t sure about how what I was going to say to her would go over. If she really had been the wreck Twilight had said she was, then I don’t know how I would handle the situation. I didn’t want to forgive her without some overdue groveling, and I didn’t feel there would be any point to it without meaning it. It would be harder to forgive her than it would for Fluttershy, though I had to admit that I was still rather pissed with her. I understood Fluttershy’s point and why she had blabbed, but that didn’t mean I was terribly happy about it.

I was in front of the castle again before I had time to sort everything out, and I met some of the Night Guards. I explained that I was due to speak with Princess Luna and they let me right in with no hassle, though one did ask me who I was and why I didn’t have fur. I told the one guard to eat a dick and the other chuckled before trying to regain a semblance of his former stoic silence, but not before his partner cut him a sharp glare. I wished the chaps a good, peaceful night and received a wave in return. Velvet was right, Night Guards were much better than their daytime counterparts.

It took no time to get an audience with Luna, which surprised me a little bit. Apparently Night Court had no visitors to speak of, so I was able to see her right after filling out the least amount of paperwork I had ever had to deal with in the castle. I don’t know why it felt like Luna had no power due to this, but it made me feel rather sorry for her. Celestia was universally loved, and half of the ponies I had talked to seemed to forget that there was more than one princess, though I guess the absence of one of them for a thousand years had something to do with it. Honestly, if Celly hadn’t let the country forget about her, I think Luna would’ve come back good instead of evil. It’s just a thought, but who knows? Shit might’ve gone down differently if that had happened. Hindsight is twenty/twenty, but foresight is blind. '

I filled out all two pages of paperwork and went on in to the throne room. Luna sat there on her ebony throne looking bored before I walked in. I gave her a wave and her eyebrows furrowed.

“Hey there, how’s the night been?”

“Thou- er, you, were not supposed to be here until morning, Maximus. Why have you come now?”

“Because three a.m. is still the morning, love. The sooner I talk to you, the better I believe.”

“And what doth thee mean by that?” She said bristling.

“I figured you wouldn’t have asked for me if it wasn’t pertinent, so here I am. Don’t get so upset over nothing, Lulu,” I grinned at her, “I’m just trying to be thoughtful.”

“Don’t call Us-me, Lulu. That honor is reserved for Celestia.”

“Sorry, I’ll wait until we shag to call you that again. Speaking of, did you even have to talk to Celestia when I left? She said she was pretty upset over what she said.”

“I do not know what you mean by ‘shag’, so I cannot comment, but do not call me that again. No, I did not have to speak with her, though I did nonetheless. I see she followed my advice, but now We have our doubts on whether We- er, I, should have spoken to her on your behalf. I do not approve of her entering a relationship with one of our guards.”

“Sorry, Moon Moon, but both of them want a piece of me and there just so happens to be enough to go around. It’s not my fault that roguish charm is irresistible to women. Blame Velvet and Celly, not me.” I gave her a shit eating grin.

Luna was not amused. “I can make sure there’s less of you to go around.” Well that's terrifying.

“...So why did you call me here?”

“We-I, wanted to ask you to perform a task for me while you go to Ponyville.”

“Last task you had me do ended with blood on my hands and souls on my conscience. Forgive me if I’m not terribly enthused.”

“This task only requires you to slay one beast, one that Crimson Tide himself said you were more suited to.”

“And what beast would this be that you couldn’t have another of your tougher, faster agents handle? You realize I’m rather frail in comparison to most Ponies, right?”

“Yes, I do understand that you lack certain aptitudes that some of my subjects possess, but few have your dexterity, and from Crimson Tide’s reports, your apropos of certain dangers. From what he told me, your ability to sense and avoid the guards of Hedard’s manor was nearly inpony; something that one going to the Everfree will need in spades.”

“Yeah, I was with you until the beast slaying, and you double lost me at the Everfree; only thing I ever heard about that place is steer clear. Granted I think most ponies are wimps,” Luna glared at me before she conceded with a hand motion, “but I think they might have the right idea when it comes to the murder hole that is that forest.” I thought for a moment. “Wait, did you have Crimson tail me during the mission?”

“Maybe. Normally I would concede to your point, but seeing as how you will be in the area anyway-”

“I’m not okay with that, Luna. I may have worked with Crimson but that is not permission for him to spy on me, nor is it permission for you. Hell, when did he even have the time? We were only together from one floor and he spotted just as many patrols as I did!”

“You were acting under our authority, making it our responsibility to see how our Operatives would act in the field. Crimson Tide is one of our most trusted agents, and his assessment of you is critical to whether or not you will receive more missions from us- er, me in the future. Whether thou- er, you agree or not is of no concern to me. If you want to continue acting as an Operative of mine, then ye must at least show some simulacrum of respect.”

Luna was starting to piss me off something fierce “I never said I wanted to be one of your damned Operatives; I just wanted to do you a favor and it burned the hell out of me! What makes you think I would ever want to work for you again? And why the bloody fuck do you keep switching between modern and archaic terms? It’s confusing, dammit!”

“You wish to court my sister, yes? If you are one of my Operatives, you have a claim to be a member of our court, which would make the proceedings much easier on yourself and Celestia. As for my speech, Celestia has been trying to get me to change my ‘outmoded’ way of talking in favor of a more modern approach.”

“So you’re saying that you’re trying to help me by putting me in mortal danger? Because that’s pretty fucked up, Luna.”

“It was common in my time for knights to be tested for their worthiness before being considered suitable for nobility. Think of it as I holding you to a higher standard than the common fools that make up the aristocrats. From what mine sister and Crimson Tide have told me of you, it would seem that my first impression was wrong.”

“That ‘I’ was supposed to be a ‘me’, and thinking of it that way makes it feel like you’re sugar coating the whole ‘suicide mission’ thing. I’ve never fought an animal, Luna, and I have no experience with the monsters of this world. In my world, stuff like Manticores, Teumessian Foxes, the fucking kraken in Ponyville lake; all myths, legends. They never had a place in my life.”

“If we-I did not have faith in your abilities, I would not send you on this mission. Should you choose to accept, it would be a kobold that you slay, and as they are little more than nuisances to most ponies. It should not be a difficult task for one such as yourself.”

I sighed and rubbed my eyes, my energy waning. “Tell you what; I’ll take the job, but I want your word that you won’t purposefully put me in a position to kill another sentient, sapient being again. If I can understand the way it speaks or can learn it's language, I really don’t want to kill it.”

“By our-my understanding, it was through Crimson Tide’s oversight that you were put in that position to begin with, for which we do apologize on his behalf. Though if you are to accept more missions like the previous one, it would be your actions that decide whether or not you kill another creature, not any oath on my behalf. I must warn you though, kobolds are about as intelligent as your average two year old foal; they are not bright creatures but they are wily.”

“...I guess I can accept that. Speaking of the job, A kobold is a dog thing, right? Shouldn’t be too bad. Why is it something you need me to kill if you have other agents?”

“No, kobolds tend to be bipedal lizard-like creatures. I wish to see how you operate under pressure during a mission in which your objective is not to take something. That and I have precious few operatives doing other work for me at the moment.”

“I’m still taking a life, if you count that as taking something. I thought that, since you’re a princess and all, you’d have your pick of people to do whatever dirty work you needed done.”

“I wish it were so, Maximus, but we-I am still acclimating to the new society that I find myself in. It has been difficult to come back after such a long absence.”

“I can imagine, but I would never know. I’d offer to help you in whatever ways you may need, but I don’t know much about pony society myself besides what I’ve read, and most of Twilight’s and the castle’s books are outdated by a decade or two, written mostly in retrospect.”

“I have learned this myself. Much of what I have learned so far has only served to alienate me further from the younger ponies, though my older subjects find it refreshing that one as youthful as I knows of their culture.”

“Youthful. Right.” Luna glared at me. “Oi, you’re one of the two oldest beings I know. Put any ten grandparents together and they still don’t have anything on you, Luna. I’m pretty sure the only youthful things about you are your appearance and temper.”

“Our temper is just fine, thank thee very much.”

“Going archaic again on me, love.” I said with a grin.

“I take back what I said earlier,” Luna said blushing, “My first impression was correct, you are insufferable.”

“Insufferable and loveable. Trust me, I grow on you once you stop taking me so seriously all the time; it’s the only reason I ever had friends in the first place.”

“You will find that Celestia and I do not share an opinion when it comes to the Harmonic Values. I do not find Laughter to be terribly vital, regardless of how much it helps.”

“I think I know what you’re talking about. The Harmonic Values are an elder term for the Elements of Harmony, right?”

“They are. You, however, do not fit any of them well.”

“Hey now, I’m funny sometimes! Honest and Kind? Not so much. Nor am I very Generous, but I can be Loyal-”

“Not when it matters, apparently.”

I was silent for a minute. “...That was a low blow, Luna.”

“It does not make it any less true. However, if you were to explain it to us-er, me, perhaps I would understand.”

I sighed. “I didn’t want to watch my brother die a slow, painful death. I couldn’t bear to see him suffer until the end, and the only saving grace I had was that he was brain dead before they pulled the plug. He never would have known I was there, anyway. Regardless, it was wrong to abandon him,” My heart grew heavy at the memory. When the doctor had told me that there was no chance of him ever coming back, I ran and I never looked back. The only person suffering at that point was me.

“...That is a different connotation from what Celestia said before. It was my understanding that you simply left him to bleed out: if he was already ‘brain dead’ as you say, then it would be no different from taking your leave from his corpse.”

“That’s not the part that matters. I should’ve been there with him until his heart stopped beating, until his body died and not just his mind.”

“It is arguable that they are one in the same. If it is any consolation to you, if my sister were to pass in the same manner, I could see myself taking the same route. I would not now, but there was a time that I would have.”

“Doesn’t make me feel… Actually, that does make me feel a bit better. I don’t know why but it does.” I was more than a little shocked that Luna was actually being nice for once.

Luna nodded. “I have no further business to speak of. Have you any more questions?”

“Just a few. First, what have you done with the real Luna?”

“What?”

“Second, is there a deadline to the kobold mission? I assume the faster I put it down the better for the ponies, right?”

“You are correct. There is no solid deadline, but I suggest that you slay it within a few days of your arrival in Ponyville.”

“Alright. Third, how do I find the damned thing? The Everfree was pretty labyrinthine last time I was in there.”

Luna’s horn lit up and a circular metal disc appeared in her hand, which she then floated over to me. “This compass will serve as your guide, it has been treated so that it will detect the presence of a kobold within two miles.”

“What’s that in kilometers?”

“Roughly three. That is an estimate, but it should be close enough for whatever your purposes may be.”

“Thanks, Princess. Is there anything I can do for you before I head off to Ponyville?”

“Remember to bring me back a cupcake from Sugarcube Corner. I would ask Celestia or do it myself, but I must attend court while the bureaucracy is still being reformed.”

“I’ll do my best, but I can’t make any solid promises. Why don’t you just take some time off like Celestia did and head down there in disguise while I’m in town? I’ll do the talking, you do the snacking. And speaking of the bureaucracy, how’s that going so far?”

“I will keep your suggestion in mind. It would do me well to take some time off I suppose. To answer your question, I must ask you one in turn. How was the paperwork to gain entrance to my court?”

“To be honest, it wasn’t bad at all. Two pages of some pretty simple stuff. Are you saying that’s the revised version?”

“I am. We- er, I, took your advice and asked a few of our newer ponies in entry level positions to help us streamline the process and it has worked tremendously, despite the backlash from some of the more annoying aristocrats. They believe that there is an elegance behind mountains of paperwork. They rarely have to deal with such paperwork. It was easy to convince them after giving them each a stack the same size of Celestia’s daily load to fill out.”

“I swear, I never spent much time around the upper class in England, but from what I understand, they pretty much all sound alike. That might be a gross over-generalization, but still, they seem all too happy to trouble someone else”

“Indeed. I am glad that Celestia and I have always been above such things.”

“How many servants do you have?”

“Silence!”

“Just saying, princess. With that, I think I’ll take my leave. Have a good night, Luna.”

“I wish the same to you, Maximus, however detestable you may be at times.”

“Oi, it’s all apart of the charm.”

I gave Luna a silly bow and left the throne room with the prospect of more bits dancing through my mind. I knew it wouldn’t pay as well as the first mission, but it sounded like a chance to do some real good and I guess I could use the bits any way. I was burning through the travel fund I had been given at an expedient pace, but I considered that to be a bit of an issue for later. I still had about a hundred bits left and there wasn’t much I could think of that would consume them if I spent them wisely. Or I could give them to Velvet via leaving them scattered around her home and use what I had earned from the Gryphonia mission. I highly doubted that she would take the sum from me if I just gave it to her, but it wouldn’t hurt to try anyways.

After a few minutes of walking through the castle with no real target in mind, I decided to visit Celestia for a moment before I took off for the sunshine and rainbow factory that is Ponyville. I knew she wouldn’t be awake, but I wouldn’t get a chance to see her before I left in the morning and since I was in her wing of the castle anyway, I thought it would be nice. I had been there a few times before so it wasn’t a matter of finding my way there, just getting past the guards at this point, so I came to her corridor and promptly snuck my way out of the window onto the stony face of the castle.

Now, I don’t recommend that anyone without years of climbing experience try anything of the sort seeing as how it’s extremely dangerous and I don’t see either of my lovers approving, but since neither of them were anywhere to be seen, I climbed across the well worn wall, testing my handholds as well as I could before I moved. It was a time consuming process, but it helped me clear my mind like nothing else ever could. I felt myself being to slip a few times and choke on the headwinds from the sheer height of the castle, but I made my way over to Celestia’s window without dying so I was happy. I poked it open silently and crept inside, the only sounds in the air being her soft breathing and a few muted coughs from a guard just outside. It took me little effort to stay quiet as I made my way over to Celestia , and in the process, I had the best idea I’d had in days. I kicked off my shoes, removed my shirt and slipped into bed behind Celestia, carefully draping my arm over her as I held back laughter from my thoughts of the following morning. The only reaction Celestia made were a few murmurs that amounted to a whole lot of nothing. I snuggled up closer and closed my eyes.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I woke up to a startled white mare that morning, magicking pillows at me until I rolled out of bed.

“MAX! How did you get in here!? Specifically, how did you get in my bed!?”

“Can’t that wait til after breakfast? Or until I catch some more rest? I swear dawn was about to break when I got in here.”

“That answers exactly none of my questions.” Celestia began smoothing her mane down, not that it needed it.

“Fine, I came in through the window and I just got in bed; isn’t that what lovers do? Sleep together?”

“That’s more than just a little creepy, Max.”

“It’s all in how you think about it.” I climbed back into Celestia’s cloud-like bed. “I thought it was romantic. I was going to wait for you to wake up so I could whisper sweet nothings into your ear, but damn do you have a fine bed!”

“I have the oddest feeling that you’re not telling me the whole truth. What were you really doing?”

“Wanted to see you again before I left, and decided to stay a bit longer. I figured it’d be funny to see your reaction when you woke up.”

“That makes me want to start having pegasus guards look after that window. I suppose it’s innocuous enough if it’s just you. What harm can my little hairless ape do?”

“Plenty if you let me, though I don’t think that’s your fetish.”

“You’re right, I’m more of a giver than a receiver in that respect but I wouldn't mind being on bottom sometime.”

“Did you just proposition me for kinky sex?”

“How is that a surprise? As much as we flirt, I’d be surprised if you haven’t missed more than you’ve heard.”

"As much as I would love to treat you like a catholic school girl who just got caught stealing from the headmaster’s office, I’m still tired, love.”

“Oh yes, which reminds me, you need a royal seal if you’re going to be an Operative of Equestrian Interests. That, and I want you to stop calling me ‘love’.”

“The seal I can get later. Why do you want me to stop calling you ‘love’?”

“The seal we can do now. Do you have one of your blades on you?”

I finagled the Warbling blade from its sheath underneath me and held it up. I felt Celestia’s magic tug it from my hands and heard something akin to the sound of plates sliding together, which was enough to wake me up completely and motivate me to give Celestia a dirty look. She floated the knife back over to me and I gave it a once over. It now had her Cutie Mark emblazoned in white and gold on one side and what I assumed to be Luna’s Cutie Mark in black and blue on the other. I like liked the way they seemed to be anodized into the metal, not taking away from it's finish at all while making it even more interesting to look at.

“Now, the reason I want you to stop calling me ‘love’ is simple. You call a lot of mares ‘love’. I would like it if your had a different pet name for me when you return from Ponyville.”

“You’ve got doll, poppet, and pet to work with. Maybe ‘hun’, though it sounds weird to me.”

“I think I prefer hun out of all of them. I am nopony’s doll or pet, and I don’t know what a poppet is. Hun sounds endearing and sweet to me.”

“Lovely. With that matter solved, can I go back to sleep or are you going to continue torturing me?”

“I do not torture, and sadly I must have you leave for now. I can teleport you back to Velvet’s abode if you can tell me which street it’s on, however. I can’t promise to put you on her stoop, but I can get you close.”

“I can’t tell you the street, but I can tell you it’s a Brownstone on the east side of town near a bakery.”

“The bakery is the ‘Brownie Blitz Bakery’, yes?” Fucking alliteration.

“I believe so, yeah.”

I had been in the process of redressing and turned to face Celestia when she enveloped me in a lovely, squishy hug. I think she had planned to surprise me, but I couldn’t complain either way: Celestia is very good at hugs. After a quick kiss and a bittersweet goodbye, I was standing in front of another establishment with an alliterated name. Seriously, why does every shop in Equestria have an alliterated name? It makes no sense to me.

I entered Velvet’s flat to find that Lupa was knocked out on the couch. She blearily lifted her head to see who entered and once she saw it was me she laid back down to continues snoozing. I stopped by her to scratch behind her ears and give her a quick kiss on her brow before going upstairs to see Velvet. She wasn’t awake yet, so I went back downstairs and washed up, which meant I was officially out of clean clothes. I’m pretty sure I had a laundry room in my home in Ponyville, but I didn’t really give the house a good look while I was there so I’d find out later in the day.

If no one was up, I thought I’d be kind and make some breakfast only to find that Velvet was pretty much out of everything. I took it upon myself to get out and go grab her some groceries since I’m sure Lupa had eaten her stock through and through. I strolled out and about, stopping at the general store down the road a-ways to pick up some assorted spices and a few fresh goods. The mare at the counter was surprised to have a customer mere minutes after opening up shop, but I had chatted with her for a minutes, explaining that I had basically been up all night and wanted to do something nice for a special someone. She gave me a knowing look (and a discount) and I was on my way back to Velvet’s when I ran into someone I never expected to see in Canterlot.

“Oh Max! Darling! How have you been? I see you’re in far better shape than you were in when we last met, Canterlot has done you quite well!” Rarity gushed. I had to admit, she looked great in the white gown accented in blue-violet that she was wearing. Her hair was perfectly coiffed, as usual and her eye shadow brought out her eyes very well. She was striking in all the right ways, but her aristocratic accent killed the effect for me. It took much self control on my part to not sneer and her face and flip her off, but since she had been nothing but kind to me, I owed her the effort.

“Wotcher, Rarity, it’s good to see you. I’ve been well, seeing as how Celestia has been taking pretty good care of me.” I inwardly chuckled. “I’m all patched up now, and speaking of, I’m actually heading back to Ponyville sometime today, though I won’t be there for long. How have you been? What brings you to Canterlot?”

“You really should address the Princess by her title, Max! What if she heard you?”

“I call her Celestia to her face, love. Luna may not approve, but the woman herself has told me she doesn’t mind.” If only I knew if it was okay to tell her about my and Celestia’s current status. I had no clue if Twilight shared the information she gathered when she walked in on us, but I didn’t want to tell more than I needed to.

Rarity look scandalized. “But she’s a Princess! You shouldn’t forego social nuances just because you don’t like to respect authority!”

“You basically just ignored the part where I told you that she asked me to leave out the honorifics.”

“Nevertheless. She’s a mare worthy of your respect.”

“Let’s just forget I said anything and go back to ‘how are you’, and ‘what brings you to Canterlot'.”

She looked like she wanted to pursue the topic, but I gave her a look and she switched gears. “I have been well, I suppose. My business has grown a bit and I’m starting to get more business in Canterlot, hence my presence here.”

I looked around. “I don’t see many shops or houses around here. grabbing some food while you’re out and about?”

Rarity held up the bag of supplies she was carrying. “No, I’m actually heading to as clients house as we speak to make measurements for an order. Imagine my surprise to find you here!”

I hefted the bags of groceries I was carrying. “Yeah, I’m just grabbing some food for a nice lady that’s been having me over for a few days,. Just trying to say thanks for putting up with me and Lupa. I’m pretty sure Lupa ate everything in her house twice over, so I need to replenish her stocks before I leave.”

“I would compliment you on your nobility and sense of responsibility, but I’m sure your ego needs no further inflating.”

“That wouldn’t do much for my ego, love. If anything it would motivate me to do more noble and responsible things, but I guess I’ll just go back to my evil deeds and be happy with that” I faked a sigh.

“Oh hush, I know that you’re trying to reform, which you seem to be doing rather well with by the way. You shouldn’t joke about throwing away your progress!”

I rolled my eyes. “I joke about everything; nothing is sacred. As long as I know I’m doing good, that’s fine by me. I need no recognition, just self assurance.”

“There’s something to be said about confidence in a stallion. I personally find it to be an attractive feature, just not in you.”

“Ow, careful there Rares, you might hit me in the feelings if you keep going on like this.”

“I’m certain you could stand be knocked down a peg, it may do you some good, darling.” I should have flipped you off.

“Normally I would agree with you, but my soul was shattered a couple days ago and I’m still rebuilding.”

“Oh my! what happened?”

“A little heartbreaking, a little bit more of something that shouldn’t be spoken of in polite company that hurt me in ways you will hopefully never understand.”

“I’m so sorry bout your broken heart, but the latter part is what worries me, Max.”

“Don’t worry about it, I have counsel, should I ever need it. Celestia and Velvet Breeze have offered to lend an ear on multiple occasions. In fact, I’ve already borrowed Velvet’s shoulder.”

“Is this Velvet Breeze the pony you’re staying with? I would like to meet her sometime, especially if she consoled a friend in my absence!” That was an assumption, but I felt no need to correct her.

“She is. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind meeting you. I’ll probably be at her place all until one, when I leave for Ponyville. Which reminds me, I need to buy a train ticket.”

“That’s when I’ll be returning as well! We’ll have to sit together and catch up some more. As it is, I have to hurry, my appointment is in a few minutes. Where does this mare live?”

We were on the road so it wasn’t hard to just point down the street to her house. Rarity had passed it when we ran into each other. “It’s that one on the end. If you get there in time, I’m making breakfast in an hour or so.”

“I’ll be sure to hurry, then. Farewell, Max!”

“Bye Rarity, don’t poke anyone.”

“Hmph! I assure you I’m far too skilled for that”

“So you say. Later, Rares.”

We went our separate ways and I went back to Velvet’s flat. I spent some time petting Lupa as she snoozed before the sun actually rose enough to shed more than its early morning glow. It was high time to make breakfast, so I started sauteeing some vegetables for my omelettes and started doing that terrible thing I do. Thinking. I need to stop doing that, but in the meantime, I had my veggies finished and made a large omelette for Lupa who had joined me once she smelled the food. Velvet joined us soon enough and after a few minutes of idle chatter, I remembered to mention Rarity to her. She said it was fine that I invited her and that she wanted to meet some more of my friends later. I let her know that there were precious few I considered friends and Velvet let me know she was pretty much the same. We continued our idle chatter until we heard a knock at the door, signaling Rarity’s arrival. Velvet and I met her at the door and I swear her jaw would have dropped if she had less control.

“Hello, My name is Rarity, Max's friend. It’s a pleasure to meet you!” Rarity beamed. She extended a hand.

Velvet shook her hand. “Velvet Breeze, the pleasure's all mine. Please, come in and join us for breakfast.”

Rarity walked in and Velvet’s smile melted the moment she knew Rarity wasn’t looking. She gave me a glare that promised words later and I took her arm for a moment, giving her a befuddled look.

“What’s wrong, love?” I whispered.

“You’ve brought some stunner in here and expect me to think she’s just a ‘friend’?” She whispered in turn.

“I would tell you if she wasn’t, I just know her from Ponyville. She’s no threat to you or Celestia; I’ve already got two beautiful mares to give me all the affection I need. That and she’s a little on the vain side for my tastes.”

Velvet seemed to ease up after than and we ceased our little aside. Rarity had been looking at us with a perplexed expression, so I waved her worries and lied a little. I told her that we hadn’t been talking about her and she bought it hook, line, and sinker, so I made breakfast with no further fuss. Rarity and Velvet traded some small talk. Both of them asking the other how they met me, how life as a guard was and how stressful it was working as a seamstress for Canterlot ponies. I finished the omelettes I had cooking and prepared some stovetop toast to go with it, and even though it was a little simple for Rarity’s tastes, I believe she was being honest when she said they were good. We finished breakfast and continued with the small talk until noon or so. I already had all my crap packed, so there was nothing else to gather and Rarity had only brought one bag with her since she had only planned to stay in Canterlot until noon. When it was time to go, I gave Velvet a kiss and a hug, along with a promise to return soon. Rarity, Lupa and I were walking towards the train station when I asked why she had that peculiar smile on her face.

“Oh nothing, darling. It’s just nice to see you with a mare is all. I know you had that little snafu with Twilight after your party, but I never thought anything would really come of it. Maybe you’re more of a gentlecolt than I thought. “

“I’m quite the gentleman when I have reason to be,” Lupa snorted at that, “I just rarely feel a reason is good enough. For a mare like Velvet, most of the time is a good time to be nice, though I do a fair bit of teasing when other people aren’t around.”

“I’m sure she prefers it when you have company around then, but from the way you two were acting, I couldn’t tell that you were an item! You really should be more affectionate to your fillyfriend, Max.”

“We’re not exactly teenagers, Rares. We’re adults who like our space. We don’t have to be hanging on each other to enjoy the others company.”

“And yet you never so much as touched her! I could tell something was bothering her, and I don’t believe I’d be mistaken to say that it was your lack of attention.”

“I think it was more her thinking you were competition I didn’t tell her about. I told her she had nothing to worry about.”

“I would like to think not! We’ve barely spoken, I know so little about you, not to mention the sheer amount of vulgarity that leaves your mouth! If only you had a mare such as myself to turn you into a proper gentlecolt rather than the fair weather fiend you are now.”

“We’re not close enough for you to insult me, love. Keep talking and I’ll have you trying to slit your wrists with a stick of butter.”

Rarity stared at me agape. “I cannot believe you’ve just said such a horrendous thing, Max! How- how crude!“

“I’ll warn you now before you keep it up; I have less patience than I did when you met me. I don’t like being insulted, Rarity, and I doubt many people do. Keep that in mind the next time you try to tell me what you think I need.”

“...I will. I do apologize for hurting your feelings, darling, I tend to go overboard. I couldn’t tell you how many times my mouth has gotten me into trouble."

It wouldn’t surprise me if it got her out of just as much trouble. “Apology accepted, forgiveness given.” I paused to think trying to change the topic. “Why do you think you would be a good mare for me? As far as I know, we’re near polar opposites”

“Well, you could do with somepony to help you be… more polite. Your language is awfully coarse and your posture: all that slouching must be terrible for you back!”

I scanned the surrounding area and figured that we had another fifteen or so more minutes before we got to the train station.

“I’ll try to cull the cursing while I’m around you, then.” I stood up straighter and relaxed my shoulders. “Wouldn’t hurt to try and look presentable for Velvet when I return, I suppose.”

“Fantastic! We’ll have you looking the part in no time, though your marvelous accent already gives you an edge over the stallions around Ponyville, and some mares would even say it beats the Canterlot cadence by a mile.” She fluttered her eyelashes at me and I raised an eyebrow.

“Sounds like someone’s implying things. I accept that the accent is a chick magnet, but I’ll not actively use it to pull women; it’s not my style.”

“Oh but it is apart of it my dear stallion, and your charm could do so much for you! I promise you that I didn’t get to where I am today through hard work alone; it was through charm and ingenuity in addition to effort and style that saw me through.”

I already knew I was going to regret it, but it would at least give her something to talk about for a while.

“Why don’t you teach me how to use my charm more effectively, then? It wouldn’t hurt to be able to talk my way out of more things.”

“Ah, the idea sounds wonderful to me,” Rarity enthused, “if you’re willing to let me turn you into the proper gentlecolt I know you can be-”

“No no no, you’ve got me all wrong, Rares: I want to weaponize charm” I grinned evilly. Charisma could carry one far, and using it to my advantage would help round out my min/maxed thief build thing I had going on. I had spent far too much time playing RPG’s in secondary school.

“I highly doubt that you can weaponize it, but at the very least you could be presentable in polite company.” Rarity scoffed at my idea, but I knew I could find a use for it.

We continued our idle chatter and I tried to keep the flirting down to a minimum, but it was somewhat of a disposition of mine to default to either flirting or teasing when it came to attractive women. I had to remind myself of what it was that Rarity wanted out of her valuable time, and usually found myself disappointed in the shallow goals of reaching the pinnacle of such a vapid, vain glorious group of hoity toity pricks. Rarity herself was rather bearable once you tuned out just about every other word, however, I still found myself rolling my eyes at a few of her suggestions during our long train ride. She wanted to completely change my wardrobe to suit that of the Canterlot elite, while I was happy to just have modernized a little. I found no faults in my plain black V-neck tee and dark denim jeans combo, but Rarity has dead set on making me one of her kinds of people. The more I thought about being transformed into what I despised more than just about anything , the more I thought about whether or not Rarity would be worth the effort of getting to know better and I came to the conclusion that she would be far better as a friend than a lover. Sure, she was supposedly famous around Ponyville for being a generous lady, but the little voice in my head told me she would be the highest maintenance woman I would ever invite into my life. At least Celestia was independent, even if we had to spend our time together around a schedule, and the same was true for Velvet. In fact, I had lucked out with my last few days in Canterlot as it was the weekend and she had time off. Tomorrow she would have to work all night and I would have had no one to bother all day.

I kept up the chat with Rarity while half of my mind well in the clouds, so of course I missed the announcement that we had stopped at Ponyville. Rarity actually had to garner my attention to get me out of the carriage, and with a few quick goodbyes and a set time for our first appointment before she caught me for one last word.

“You know Max, you really must speak to Applejack while you’re in town, she really needs it.”

“I’ll see her when I see her.” I stated evenly.

“I would press the issue but I don’t think it would do anything other than upset you. Still, I would consider it a personal favor if you did stop by.”

“I’ll keep it in mind. Goodbye Rarity.”

“Goodbye Max.” Her previous chipper demeanor changed to a glum one. I figured it was more for my lack of interest in talking to Applejack rather than the fact that we were parting ways.

In no time at all we were back home with a bag full of dirty laundry and little else. It was then that I leaned down to sniff Lupa only to find that she actually smelled fine. I had expected her to smell like, well, a dog, but she had a somewhat smoky aroma to her that I attributed to Velvet’s fireplace and no other odor to speak of. Lupa had given me a look with her head cocked to the side when I sniffed her, but I just patted her back and walked around the house until I found my laundry room. Sadly, I lacked soap for both myself and my clothes, so it was time to head back into town.

I was browsing various body washes when I literally bumped into Fluttershy.

“Oh! I’m so sorry I wasn’t-” She stopped when she realized it was me. I waved at her while she gaped.

“You’re fine, Flutters, I probably should have paid more attention. What soap do I use for a wolf? I don’t think Lupa needs conditioner, but it couldn’t hurt I guess.”

“You’re back!” She shouted. Well, as close as Fluttershy could get to shouting.

“I am. What brings you to the men’s section of the soap aisle?”

“You’re back! Max, you have to talk to Applejack, she-”

“Rather deserves whatever misery she’s in. I’ll talk to her in my own time.” I went back to checking out different soaps. There was a sandalwood variant that I was enjoying. I held it out to Fluttershy for her to try. “What do you think?”

“Max, you don’t understand!”

“I’m listening.” I put it back and grabbed another that looked interesting.

“She’s been a wreck since she’s hurt you! Please Max, just go talk to her.”

“If you insist.” I sighed and set it down. Far too peppery.

She was silent. Lupa yawned.

“Is there something I can help you with, Flutters? Also, seriously, why are you in the men’s section?”

“...You’re not going to talk to Applejack, are you?”

“I said I would, so I will. I’ll do it when I feel like it, and not a moment sooner.” The soap I had now had the most intriguing icy freshness. It couldn’t beat the teakwood based soap that Velvet’s brother had left at her place, so I went looking for it.

I had just picked it up when Fluttershy slapped it out of my hand. She was glaring at me with the beginnings of tears in her eyes that spoke volumes of her vexation. “I hate seeing my friend like that, and you should too! I know Twilight told you that Applejack never meant to go so far, that she felt absolutely terrible about what she’d done. I don’t expect you to forgive her, just talk to her! Please!”

“That’s not the best idea. I stayed in Canterlot so long because Celestia wasn’t sure what I’d do if I came across Applejack, I’m still debating on whether or not I’ll stick a couple knives in her knees and leave them there, Flutters, and I know that’s not the way I really want to handle the situation. And seeing as how you’re the fucking cunt who betrayed my privacy and told a secret that I had made it quite clear that I didn’t want to get out, I really don’t see how you have any right to tell me what to do, or rudely slap things out of my hands.” I picked up the soap, and laid it back where it previously occupied. I didn’t like it that much. “The only reason I haven’t cursed you to hell and back is because you gave me Lupa, and that really is the only saving grace I can think of for you, so unless you want to help me pick out a new signature scent that’s both recognizable and classy while still remaining subtle, I suggest you find another aisle to be mad in. I’m rather sure I was here first.”

Tears streaked down Fluttershy’s face as she stormed off, and I felt like less of a human for it. I had very callously laid out the facts as I knew them for her, and thought little of it. Did she deserve my harsh words? Yes, but I knew she was only acting out of concern for Applejack, but I was never going to forget the pain she caused me. I took a deep breath, picked the sandalwood soap and found a cologne that matched it pretty well. At least I had gotten something good done so far.

I walked back to my house with my bag of detergents and smelly goodness when I realized I had no food in my house. I just sighed and headed over to the market proper where I could find more groceries, but at least I knew now what I would need after shopping for Velvet earlier. An hour later, I was carrying a lot of heavy crap and was ready to put them down. Halfway to my home, Rainbow Dash swooped down out of the sky and landed next to me.

“Hey dude, you’re looking better.” She greeted brightly.

“Celestia’s healing magic is pretty damn good, if I do say so myself. Listen, Rainbow, about that incident with Applejack-”

“I really wish you knew how bad she’s hurting right now, bud. I know you’re not gonna be happy with her, but-”

“It would mean a lot to you slash her if I would go talk to her. Not necessarily forgive just talk. Yeah, I’ve heard it all day Rainbow. I’ll talk to her when I talk to her, I just wanted to thank you for saving my life.”

“No problem, but if I had any say in what’cha do, I’d suggest you go talk to AJ. You can thank me later, dude, she’s the one who needs to hear from you.”

“Just what’s so bad about being down in the dumps a few day's? I swear, a little guilt would do you ponies some good seeing as you never get punished for anything.” I scoffed. I was already annoyed from my earlier encounter with Fluttershy and was in no mood to be badgered about doing something I was already planning to do later.

“You don’t get just how bad it is, Max. She’s been skipping meals and work, just barely gets out of bed. Nopony’s seen her in a few days and she won’t even talk to Big Macintosh or Apple Bloom! Seriously, if you really want to thank me, go talk to her.” Rainbow crossed her arms, her concern tempered by her steely resolve.

“Fine. I’ll talk to her after I get my stuff back home. Just stop bugging me about it!”

“Dude, I’ve only been talking to you for like, two minutes!”

“And you’re the third pony from ‘our friends' to tell me to stop by and say something to the damned woman! At this point, I might cuss her out before I can say anything else.” I grumbled. Rainbow gave me a hard look and shook her head.

“That’s because we’re worried about her, Max. When she hurt you, she hurt herself too, and she hasn’t been the same since; the guilt is eating away at her and I’m one hundred percent sure that you’re the only one that’s going to be able to reach her.”

“If that’s the way you feel, then you should consider helping me carry these groceries so I get home faster. That way, my long awaited visit happens even sooner than I’d like” Rainbow rolled her eyes and we continued towards my flat, Rainbow opting to hover low to the ground rather than deigning to walk like the rest of us plebeians.

I got everything squared away under Rainbow’s impatient eye, getting my groceries put up and my laundry started. Rainbow joined Lupa and I on our walk across town, and we caught up on the few, pointlessly boring events that had happened while I was away. Her protoge, Scootaloo, had starred in some play at school and had apparently done well according to Rainbow’s reaction. I called her out on her mushy, oh-so sweet pride in her surrogate little sister, and she gave me a bruise for it. I chuckled the pain away as we sallied forth. We turned up at Sweet Apple Acres soon enough, and luckily I had cooled off from my earlier state so I was feeling confident in my ability to handle Applejack. We knocked on the door of the well worn farmhouse when Big Macintosh, the big red bastard himself, answered the door. Rainbow began explaining our presence, but our gracious host only had eyes for me. I met his gaze readily, my hand resting lightly on the Warbling Blade as I prepared for him to make a move. I think he would have gone for it had Lupa not given the most bone chilling growl I had ever heard from her. Both mine and Big Mac’s eyes flickered to the snarling mass that was my guardian.

“I don’t know why you brought that… Thing, here Rainbow. He ain’t welcome on my property and he never will be.” His hands clenched.

“Max is here to talk to AJ, nothing else. Just let us in dude, I swear I won’t let him do anything other than talk."

“Get. Off. My. Land.” He threatened.

“Fucking make me, mate.” I challenged

“Max! You’re not here to pick a fight, man!”

Macintosh and I continued glaring at each other and Lupa growl rose in volume.

“Lupa, heel.” She stopped her growling, but her massive teeth were still bared and ready.

It was a standoff: neither of us was going to move and I was sure that Macintosh was going to try and finish what his sister had started. I held my position and shifted my balance, feeling the familiar rush of adrenaline course through my veins.

Big Macintosh spoke to Rainbow. “You’re gonna want to get out of here. Things are about to get messy”

Rainbow looked worried, stuck between the two of us. The only one here she could handle was me, but even she couldn’t do much against Big Macintosh but run. I, on the other hand, was ready to draw blood. I don’t like being threatened, and I’m just as fond of being told to fuck off when I was trying to do something nice.

“The only mess getting made here is you, Red. I suggest you step aside and let us do what we came here for.”

“Not happenin’. If you were a real stallion, you wouldn’t hide behind your dog.”

I drew steel, the seals of the Princesses flashing in the bright daylight. Let's see if this works.

“If you insist on interfering with royal affairs, then it’s well within my right as an agent of Princess Luna to remove you.”

Big Macintosh’s eyes widened slightly at the seal I bore. “That ain’t real.”

“I assure you it is. Step. Aside. Unless you want to face the wrath of the Princess of the night.”

“I’ll take on anythin’ to protect my sister.” Well there goes handling this peacefully.

“Then we do this the hard way.” I sheathed my knife. “Lupa.”

She lowered her center of gravity.

“Max?” Rainbow asked timidly.

Big Mac drew back. “Hold him down, if he tries to hurt you, rip his throat out.”

Lupa lunged and Big Mac fell under her weight, off balanced and floundering. He raised a fist to knock her off of him, but Lupa’s teeth already surrounded his throat. He stilled his hand and I walked over his prone body.

“So where’s Applejack’s room?” I asked Rainbow Dash casually.

“Dude, call her off!”

“I came here to talk to Applejack, not get bullied by some cock huffing hick. Lupa won’t kill him if he plays nice, so are you coming or not?”

Rainbow looked extremely conflicted: stay and help Big Macintosh, but risk getting him killed, or follow me and get this over with as fast as possible. She chose the latter option and quickly lead the way to our destination while Big Macintosh threw every curse in the Equestrian book at me. Rainbow knocked on a door and called out to the mare we were there to see, but got no response so I tried.

“Applejack! It’s Max! I want to talk to you” I shouted through the door.

I waited for a minute before the door finally creaked open revealing a pair of faded green eyes.

“I know ya don’t really wanna talk.”

“If I didn’t want to talk, I wouldn’t be holding your brother hostage via dire wolf right now.”

The green eyes behind the door grew large before the door flew open. Applejack came rushing out and stopped in front of the rather terrifying scene we had left in the doorway. She looked back at me and I snapped my fingers, signalling Lupa to back off. She did so slowly with a watchful eye on the big red stallion who rose just as slowly, trying to put distance between them, but when Lupa began to crouch again, he stopped moving.

“Wh-why did you have Lupa on my brother!?”

“I told him I just wanted to talk to you and he barred my path. I showed him the seals of the Princesses and stated that I was on a royal errand, and he persisted, so I had Lupa detain him for a moment so we could speak.”

“Ya could’ve just knocked on my window!”

“Nopony’s been able to talk to you for days, AJ! I thought that if came in through the front and said we were here for peace that we’d get a chance to see you.” Rainbow explained.

“I suppose you’re right on that.” Applejack conceded. She turned to me. “You got me out here. I doubt that you’re here to tell me you forgive me.”

“You’re right, I’m not. You damn near killed me and left me in pain I’ve never felt, never imagined for weeks. I don’t want to forgive you, nor do I plan to anytime soon.”

Rainbow gaped and Applejack’s shoulders sagged at my words.

“Look, we weren’t really friends, so it’s not like you fucked up a friendship, and I’m, by my own admittance, a liar and a thief. There was never going to be much between you and I, so let’s just face the facts; the sooner you get over it, the sooner you can stop worrying your friends to death over your state. Have you even been eating? Because you honestly look like Hell warmed over. Trust me when I say that my opinion of you should be worth less than the dirt on your boots.”

Applejack’s empty eyes bored into me, her body language unreadable.

“You’re sayin’ there’s nothin’ I can do for you to forgive me?”

“I’m saying that if you want it right now, it’s not probably going to happen. You have to understand that I wanted nothing more than to come back to Ponyville and hurt you like you did me for a time, and that it’s a miracle that I’m here right now and you’re not bleeding. I’ve learned since then that it’s just not worth it. In time, I may forgive you, but it’s just not in my heart to do so.”

“I can feel that you’re bein’ honest, and I appreciate that Max. I just wanted you to know… I’m so sorry, I lost my temper and I nearly killed ya because of it. I never should have gotten that upset. I should’ve seen things from your side, but I can’t take none of it back now. On that, you’re right: I do need to move on and just accept it, but I never meant to hurt you like that Max. I came at you angry and I’m sorry I just…” Applejack began to cry, sputtering through her tears apology after apology.

I knew that the right thing to do was to forgive her, but also felt that evil spot of spite rise up within me, begging me to tear her down further, but I couldn’t, not after she had offered such genuine regret and remorse. I was caught between my stubborn hatred and my sense of goodness, and the humanity I was so desperately hanging onto won out. I hugged Applejack and held her close.

“I accept your apology, Applejack. Dear God does it hurt, but I do.”

We stood while Applejack was slowly dehydrating herself. I let her wear herself out on my shoulder before she pulled away and looked at me, her eyes regaining some of their color.

“Ya don’t know how much it means to me, Max.”

I took a deep breath. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. We’ve just met. Name’s Max. I’m a former thief who’s trying to redeem himself, and I’m trying to change my old ways. It’s nice to meet you miss..?”

“...Applejack, Co-owner of Sweet Apple Acres, hard workin’ mare. It’s nice to meet you too Max.”

Rainbow looked on in confusion. “What?” She turned to Big Macintosh. “Do you know what’s going on?”

“I think they just wiped the slate clean.”

“Oh. That’s pretty cool.”
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Rainbow stayed behind at Sweet Apple Acres while Lupa and I went home. My heart felt lighter than it had since before I left for Gryphonia, but I was still conflicted about giving Applejack a fresh start after all the suffering she put me through. My good and evil sides were battling it out, and the evil side was making my heart ache while my good side was rationalizing away my doubts. I couldn’t help but feel cheated out of proper revenge, but I would have to take my own advice and move on sometime, and the sooner I did the better off I would be. The moments that my good side was winning told me that I probably shouldn’t have threatened to kill Big Macintosh, but he was being a right twat so I felt justified in a sense; he had come to no real harm so I didn’t dwell on it. Lupa hugged my side the entire way there, which I took as her way of saying that she would support me whenever I was being my own worst enemy. I appreciated the hell out of it and showed it by cooking her a nice dinner of baked fish with some bread and the vegetarian gravy Velvet showed me how to make, though I really needed to find a way to show her how much she meant to me. Lupa had been by my side nearly every moment since I’d gotten her and that sort of loyalty deserved reward. I mean, of course there was the time that she sold me out to Celestia, but I was willing to waive that.

We settled into a nice evening with a lovely sunset when I hear a gentle rapping, a persistent tapping, upon my chamber door. Lupa was out cold and had barely twitched when whoever was knocking went for a second round. I put the book I had been reading aside, one of a few I picked up during my grocery shopping, and answered my caller. Fluttershy stood in front of me in a cream colored knit sweater and a skirt that went to mid thigh. Needless to say, she was quite cute in her outfit, but I remembered our interaction from earlier and it soured the effect.

“Wotcher, Fluttershy.”

“H-hi, Max.” She murmured.

I stood and looked at her for a few seconds, and she began to squirm under my gaze. When she looked away and started stroking her mane, I leaned in closer until I was nearly touching her. When she turned back towards me, her nose bumped into mine and I booped it. She made the most adorable ‘eeep!” and I couldn’t help but chuckle. Damn my weakness for shy women.

“Are you going to come in or just stand on my stoop for a few more minutes? It is a rather nice stoop, after all, and having you on it only makes it better.” I hoped that a compliment would help her ease up a bit. I was wrong.

“I-I-I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for the way I acted earlier.”

“Thanks, apology accepted. Well, for that at least.”

“...I don’t want to apologize for telling your secret.”

“Then don’t. Not like I’m going to force one out of you, It’d defeat the point.”

“Please understand that I just didn’t want to lie to our friends! I just-”

“Put my business out there after you heard me beg and barter for Pinkie and Applejack to keep it hush hush? Yeah, you sure did do that.”

Fluttershy was quiet for a minute. I rolled my eyes and went back inside to get a cuppa and have a seat, but I had left the door open as an obvious invitation. Minutes passed as I was sitting in my living room, sipping my tea with a cup cooling on a coffee table in front of me before Fluttershy wandered in. I waved her over and gestured to the cup.

“Have a seat, Fluttershy. I figured you would’ve gotten the hint earlier.”

“I thought you were going to come back…”

“I invited you in. I blame you for that one, poppet.”

“I guess that’s fair.”

“Look, I don’t care if you just say you’re sorry for snitching me out: you’re pretty obviously not too repentant for it. Just don’t expect me to trust you worth a damn.”

“But trust is what friendships are built on, Max! We can’t be friends if you never trust me!”

“Do I have a reason to trust you? Because honestly, the only reason I’m talking to you is because of her.” I pointed at Lupa’s formerly snoozing for. She had woken up once Fluttershy sat down and laid her head on the mare’s lap. “I’ve already said as much earlier.”

“You can trust me, I just-”

“Can’t keep a secret. So if I ever have something on my mind I don’t want someone else to know, I can never go to you. It wasn’t just physically damage I received Fluttershy, and frankly I’m tired of you ponies throwing what little good will I give out back in my face.”

“...You’re not a pony. You’re not a pony at all.”

“I know. I’m a human, and we tend not to forgive so easily, especially when someone who’s wronged us refuses to admit it.”

“I stand by what I said, Max. You shouldn’t have tried to lie to us. We would’ve understood!”

“You should have understood that I wanted somethings to remain private! It wasn’t your place!”

“Well you should have trusted us not to judge you for your past!” Fluttershy stood and Lupa’s whine went ignored

I followed suit as Fluttershy and I were now standing nose to nose. “How the Hell do you expect me to trust people I don’t even know!? I just wanted a second chance! To have a life that I could be more than some sticky fingered loser everyone looked down on and you tried to take that from me!”

“Your life is what you make of it you, you, idiot! If you’re honest with ponies, they’re honest with you! I was trying to help you in the long run, but all you want to see is something to be mad at!”

“That’s because you betrayed trust I hadn’t even given you! How could you possibly think that I would be grateful that you deliberately went against my wishes!?”

“So you’re not even going to comment on your lack of honesty? I may have gone against your wishes, but it you have to admit that lying to ponies to make them think that you’re anything other than who you are is never going to do anything for you!”

“Then it’s a lesson I needed to learn on my own! You need to learn that you can’t interfere with someone’s life and expect them to be happy about it, even if you’re trying to help!” I bumped her shoulder as I walked past accidentally and Fluttershy caught my arm, spinning me around.

“Just what the hell-” My words were interrupted by the onset of Fluttershy’s lips against mine, her hands taking fistfuls of my hair. Her sizable chest met my considerably flatter one and the morphemes that once swam in my head found themselves on a dry river bed, all fluids rapidly flowing elsewhere. My mind was going completely blank from the sudden about face and the only thought that could rise from the barren field was that Fluttershy’s lips were very soft. I could almost feel Velvet smacking the shit out of me, and that was when my hands rose automatically to Fluttershy’s shoulders and pushed her away, simultaneously high fiving and slapping myself.

“What the fuck was that?”

Fluttershy blushed. “M-most p-ponies refuse to argue with m-me when I’m right.”

“If you were right, that would make more sense.” I now recognized what seemed to be lust in her eyes when I had disagreed with her. It really didn’t make much sense to me, unless…

“Fluttershy, are you in estrus right now?”

She made the adorable 'eep' sound again. “That’s not a question you should ask a mare, Max!”

“It’s a question I’m asking a mare that I went from arguing to kissing in all of five seconds. It’s really not fair by the way, I was perfectly happy arguing and then you go and spring that on me!”

“It’s quite fair; if you didn’t want to be kissed you shouldn’t have stood so close.” Fluttershy huffed, turning her nose up.

“That’s what you do when arguing! You get up in the other party’s face and have a shouting match! That’s arguing one-oh-one! Man, how the hell am I going to tell my girlfriends I kissed another mare?” I rubbed my face, and then it came to me! “I don’t! I tell them the truth. Your honesty spiel is actually right sometimes!”

“It’s not some spiel, it’s the truth! If you don’t overcome your dishonest tendencies, you’ll never be happy!”

“I can be perfectly happy with my dishonesty in most cases; it tends to keep me out of trouble. It’s just in this one case that honesty happens to be the best policy.”

“Oh, you’re so frustrating! It’s like you just want to disagree for the sake of it!”

“I’m disagreeing because I’m right! You think you’re right, which is wrong by the way, and that’s why we’re arguing! Again!” Thinking back on this as I’m jotting it down, I realize how needlessly obtuse I was being. I think I may have been trying to get another kiss.

Fluttershy’s face was flushed and I was still trying to think of horribly depressing thoughts to calm my second head down, which I was failing at miserably.

“I can’t believe you! You’re just a hateful, contrarian, pig headed liar that refuses to admit it when he’s wrong!” She poked my sternum with each adjective. Bitch, don't get your shit slapped.

“If I was wrong I would admit it, but I’m not so I won’t! You’re every bit as stubborn as I am, you self righteous, over bearing, better-than-thou, twat!”

“I don’t think I’m better than you and I am not self righteous! I want to help you learn so you don’t have to run into the troubles I have! Is trying to look out for a friend really so bad?” Not going to deny the over bearing part? Smart move.

“It is when that friend wants to handle their own business in their own way! That’s a lesson you could stand to learn: meddling is still meddling even if you’re trying to do some good!”

“I’m just trying to look out for you! Can’t you see that?” Fluttershy fumed. We were nose to nose again, and neither of us were going to give ground.

“I swear, I will be very upset with you if you kiss me again.”

“That’s the only reason I would.” Fluttershy’s face reddened further.

We stood, glaring at each other with less than an inch between us when I heard another knock at my door. Neither of us budged until the third try, and even then I walked backwards to open the door. I made the ‘I’m watching you gesture’ and turned to see just who was interrupting me during my argue time to find that it was Celestia herself. She beamed at me until she felt the mood of the room and saw Lupa in a corner looking confused and scared.

“Max, what’s going on?”

“I was having a nice session of quarreling with Fluttershy when my own personal Sun came knocking. What can I do for you, hun?”

Fluttershy harrumphed, whether at my flirting or my description, I don’t know. Celestia appeared rather worried and I could see her switch from lover mode to mediator mode.

“I’m sure we could talk this out, what’s wrong?”

“Fluttershy stands by her point, saying that her telling my secret was to help me. I say it was a gross invasion of my privacy. Neither of us are backing down. That and she kissed me in the middle of it, so I’m confused about what’s really going on.”

“Hey!” Fluttershy cried softly.

Celestia looked even less pleased. “She kissed you, or you kissed her?” Fluttershy shrank against a wall. I was tempted to do the same, seeing as how Celly’s scorn was something I’d been warned against by Luna during dinner conversation some time ago.

“Uh, she kissed me?” Celestia’s gaze shifted to Fluttershy.

“Is this true?”

“I-I uh, um. W-well,” Fluttershy sputtered, confused as to why it even mattered, “Yes?”

“...I see.”

“So, how ‘bout that moderating you were going to do?” I asked.

Celestia glowered at Fluttershy a moment longer and turned to me.

“You’re an infuriating stallion, you know that, right?”

“I do. I still say it’s apart of my charm.”

“I beg to differ. Somepony please explain to me in depth what’s going on.”

Fluttershy and I both explained our sides of the story without interjecting, like proper adults, but that didn’t stop me from making faces at her when Celestia wasn’t looking. It was more for my own amusement (and to see her reactions) than ill will, but Fluttershy gave as good as she got until Celestia caught us. The disapproving, exasperated shake of her head we received was enough to get Fluttershy to stop, but not me.

“Fluttershy, I see your point, but you did invade Max’s privacy and completely disregard his wishes. Regardless of your good will, you’re still in the wrong here. And Max?”

“Yes hun?”

“I suggest you stop enraging mares. Stallions too, if Rainbow’s report of the happenings at Sweet Apple Acres is anything to go by.”

“Wait, you already went to Applejack’s?” Fluttershy asked

“Yeah, I did. I told you I was going to but someone doesn’t know how to trust people.”

“I know how to trust ponies! You just seemed so reluctant to go…”

I scoffed. “Well I wasn’t going to go then and there just because you asked, no, told me to. I said I was planning on seeing her when I felt like it, but Rainbow cashed in a favor so I was obligated to go sooner than planned. I pay my debts, one way or the other.”

“You should show more of that same nobility more often. That is apart of your charm, Max.”

“The Princess is right.”

“Both of you shut up,” Fluttershy gasped, “Flutters, we can continue another day. I’m sure Celestia and I have some business to attend to.

“Max! You can’t talk to the Princess Celestia like that!”

“What’s with mares telling me what I can and can’t do? Not exactly a child here.”

“Sometimes I doubt that.” Celestia smirked at me.

“If I’m a child, that makes you a pedophile, hun.” Fluttershy gaped and looked between Celestia and I.

“That might explain a few things about your anatomy.”

“Low blow, Sunbutt. Last I checked, you weren’t complaining when I did that thing you like much.”

“W-w-w-what?” Fluttershy was blushing up a storm. She was hugging herself and had her legs firmly crossed, and I swear there was a strange smell in the air.

Celestia herself blushed when she realized Fluttershy was still there. “I… Pretend you never heard any of that and I’ll consider it favor.”

“D-don’t worry P-princess, you’re a mare with needs too, after all.” Fluttershy’s eyes were anywhere except Celestia and I at any given moment. I raised my eyebrows at Celestia to signal that I wanted to mess with her a bit, but she took it the wrong way.

“Max, while I think it would be fun, I don’t think that would be a good idea,” Celestia whispered in my ear with magic. I gave her a befuddled look.

‘What do you mean?’ I mouthed back.

‘I can’t go around sleeping with my subjects!’ They both stared at me when I burst out laughing.

“I wasn’t talking about that.”

Fluttershy gave me an odd look. “...Are you okay, Max?”

“I’m sure he’s fine.” Celestia replied for me, understanding dawning on her face. She shifted in her seat, giving me a thumbs up.

“I’ll be even better once Fluttershy leaves so we can handle our,” I paused and looked at Celestia with half lidded eyes, “business.”

Fluttershy’s cheeks colored and Celestia giggled. “Now, Max, you shouldn’t lead a mare on unless you plan to follow through.”

“I always follow through, especially when it comes to you, hun.” I winked at Celestia.

Celestia cast a quick glance at Fluttershy and caught my eye. She raised her eyebrows twice and I couldn’t figure out what exactly that meant, so I improvised.

“You know, Celestia, two’s company, but three’s a party.”

“I concur, Max, but where would we find a third pony? One who wouldn’t mind having some fun with royalty and an odd creature not from this world?”

“Where indeed. I imagine a 'pony' like that would be have to be a wise, adventurous, and they’d probably be good with animals” Fluttershy’s head jolted up to stare at me, which I ignored for the sake of our little prank.

“Yes, yes I believe you’re right. It would be a plus if they were yellow; I do adore the color yellow.”

“I think wings are a must, I might I have a fetish for them.”

Celestia looked behind her to see her own and they quivered. “You may not have known, but a Pegasus’ wings are actually very sensitive. Come here for a moment, dear.”

I walked behind Celestia and placed my hands on the largest joints of her wings. They were more fuzzy than feathery and quite pleasant to the touch. I stroked and played with them for a while, enjoying myself. I assumed my fondling had gone too far once Celestia covered my hand with her own.

“Sorry, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten to touch wings before. They’re very soft.”

“Thank you. I must say, for somepony who hasn’t touched wings before you’re rather skilled.”

“Lock picker’s hands, hun. Well tamed and quite deft at whatever work you give to them.”

“With all your bragging, I do believe a massage is in order, but I would feel just terrible if I was the only one receiving. Fluttershy, what say you and I have our resident human work some tension out for us? I’m telling you, his hands are quite capable.”

“I-I-I don’t know, P-Princess… I should be getting home” Fluttershy stammered.

“Oh don’t be coy, dear, we both know Max would say something if he had a problem with it. I’m sure your animals can fend for themselves for a while” I thought we were just going to fake Fluttershy out, but I didn’t mind giving a massage or two. I had a little experience in being a masseuse from a girlfriend I’d had when I just turned eighteen, but that had been two years ago and I hadn’t done it since. I hoped I remembered how to do it well enough to not balls it up completely.

“I’m game, though we’ll have to use my bed. Don’t think I’ve got any sort of massage table around here.”

“Actually, you do. Have you even seen your shed?” Celestia corrected

“I have not, but it worries me that you know what I have better than I do.”

“I picked everything out for you, remember? I made sure you had one just in case I came over.”

She teleported it in and I shrugged and set it up. It wasn’t terribly difficult. Once I had the vinyl and memory foam table set up, I noticed the smell in the air had gotten a touch stronger, though I still wasn’t sure where it was coming from. I paid it no mind as Lupa circled the table, standing on it with two legs. She deemed it safe for use (I think) and Celestia stepped out to what I had deemed my guest room.

I felt like making some small talk. “Do you actually want a massage, Fluttershy? I’m giving Celestia one regardless, but I don’t want you to feel obliged.” I

“Well, it does sound nice… I usually go to the spa with Rarity, but she’s been too busy to take time off lately.” Fluttershy said anxiously.

“I can’t promise you the full treatment, but I’m sure I won’t leave you with any more knots than you may already have.” I chuckled.

“...Don’t you feel a bit odd giving a mare you were just arguing with a massage?”

“Yeah, but I’m going to call this a proverbial olive branch. An apology for being so dickish earlier.”

“That’s what I like to hear, Max!” Celestia beamed at me in a plush white robe and four white towels I’d been previously unaware of. Seriously, I was going to have to check this damn house out more thoroughly when I got the chance.

“Save it for Twilight, Sunbutt. Unlike her, I already know the ‘magic of friendship’.”

Fluttershy and Celestia scoffed. “If that were true, you wouldn’t spend so much time arguing.”

“Blah blah blah, do you want a massage or not?” Celestia rolled her eyes and sat on the table.

(Ctrl+F [-FTS-] Scene is Over to Skip)

She let her robe fall and I caught an eyeful of her capacious mammaries for the first time in decent lighting. She blew a kiss at me and laid stomach down, her breasts squishing delectably against the vinyl covering of the table. I noticed that she was still wearing lacy white panties that I enjoyed very much, and that those panties had a bit of a damp spot on them when she spread her legs a bit. She looked back at me and smiled.

“Like what you see?”

“It would be hard not to. Before we get started, aren’t we supposed to have some kind of oil or something?” I asked.

Celestia stretched out a hand palm up and magicked a bottle of some expensive looking stuff into it. I took it from her and laid the towels over her, covering the more interesting parts of her anatomy before I oiled up my hands and squirted a bit onto her back. She shivered from the feeling of the cold oil and waved a hand in the air, teleporting a record player onto my coffee table. While I enjoyed the convenience of magic, I despised it for it’s sheer laziness. That and it made anyone who used it rather overpowered, in my opinion I cast my thoughts aside and focused on the lovely mare in front of me. I began working the oil through her fur and felt a knot immediately in her muscle. I increased the pressure and moiled away at it, feeling it ease up after a few minutes before I moved onward in long, even strokes. I felt something touch my lower head and I jolted suddenly, pulling back from Celestia.

“What’s wrong, Max?” She asked with a seductive smile.

“Nothing, hun. Thought I saw another horn on your head for a moment.”

I spread more oil on Celestia's shoulders and began working at the numerous knots that lie beneath the surface. I swear, the woman had more knots than a tree, and they had obviously been there quite a while. She molested me the entire time, eliciting a reaction that I carefully hid from Fluttershy. I had been using the heels of my hands to tend to her back, but with her wings in the way, I had to switch to my thumbs, which as, any one who has given a massage knows, is a quick way to end up with sore thumbs if you’re not used to the task. In fact, even if you are used to it, using one’s thumbs for a prolonged period while exerting pressure still causes pain, but I was determined to finish what I’d started.

Celestia let out contented sighs as I toiled away at the coils in her shoulders, and each of those sighs made me a little happier. I was doing rather well by my standards and she hadn’t given me much in the way of direction, so I continued, slowly gaining confidence in my performance as I worked out knot after knot. I had them done in about ten minutes and moved onto her arms, surprised by their tone and sculpting. I hadn’t taken Celestia as a physically strong mare, but what I felt told no lie; she could probably knock a fool out. Her arms took much less time than her back and shoulders, so I was able to advance to her hands in no time at all. I found her hands to be absolutely rigid and she wasn’t even contracting in the slightest! Mountains of paperwork had turned her slender fingers into pieces of wrought iron that took me seven minutes apiece to fully relax.

With Celestia’s torso completely covered in oil, I took a quick break, making sure I didn’t face Fluttershy as I headed to the restroom. My hands were beginning to ache a little, so I took my time and after I had adjusted myself so my arousal wouldn’t be quite so obvious, I walked back into the living room where I noticed that the odd smell had grown even stronger. Lupa had left some time ago to rest in my room, otherwise I would’ve asked her to locate it for me, but the sweet, heavy smell vaguely reminded me of something that I couldn’t put a finger on.

“Does anyone else smell that?”

“Smell what?” Both mares answered in unison. Fluttershy sat stiffly with her hands tucked in between her thighs and Celestia gave me a little smile and a wink. I was feeling pretty dumb at the moment, since the smell had been acting as an incense that was clouding my thoughts, I could still think straight, but it took more effort than I was willing to put forth at the moment, so I shrugged and went back to the task at hand.

Thankfully, I was now at the fun part where I would be able to tease and toy with Celestia as I pleased. I had read online and figured out through experimentation the right places and the right amount of pressure to use to properly arouse a woman without touching her privates. I grinned to myself and prepared her legs with long rows of the vanilla scented oil and started with the space above her hooves, wondering if I could even tickle her.

“So what did you two lovely ladies talk about while I was gone?”

“Nothing terribly important. Just some of the pros and cons of ‘camping’.” Celestia giggled

That one was fairly obvious, so I snorted and ran my nails up her hoof, which elicited a spasm and laughter from the white mare for some reason. She looked back and glared at me as I chuckled. Fluttershy hid a smile behind her hand and kept the other tucked away for reasons I was unsure of. I had noticed that she hadn’t moved her hands since she sat down, but thought nothing of it.

“If you do that again I’m going to kick you.” Celestia warned. Of course I did it immediately, and nearly got hoofed in the chest for my impudence.

“So what did you come up with? The pros and cons of camping, that is.”

“Well, we found that we’re both quite fond, really. It’s an attractive prospect.” Fluttershy’s face flushed and she looked at the floor, peeking at me from behind her hair after a trice. I raised an eyebrow in turn and started working my way up Celestia’s well-muscled legs.

I put plenty of effort into her calves as I went. Her sighs came faster the further I went until I reached her thighs. There were no knots there, but I was going to enjoy myself on way or another. I positioned myself behind her and stroked the length of her legs lightly before I added more force. The oil had made her short fur slick, so my hands slid easily along her thighs. I squeezed them and repeated the process a few times, her sighs changing to moans whenever I reached her thighs. With a bright smile, I took to her side and began working each toned thigh with a firm gentleness that I had had enough time to get back into the groove to by now. I edged closer and closer to her inner thigh and steadily caressed the soft flesh there. I could feel the heat from her vulva a few times when I slid further than I anticipated, but those times were well rewarded as Celestia struggled to keep her voice down. She tortured me in turn with her evil hair, wrapping it around my member as she tried to tug it upward, making it more visible. I suspected that she had quite the exhibitionist streak in her, because after ten wonderful minutes of my full attention, she didn’t bother. After her loudest moan yet, I stopped and grabbed the oil with a hand towel and lathered my hands; it was time for her wings.

“Please tell me you’re not stopping there.” Celestia groaned.

“As soon as you tell me where to do, I’ll start on your wings.” Celestia perked up and Fluttershy ‘eeped’.

“Focus on the joints, they’re the only parts that get much use.”

“Thanks, hun.” I started working on the outermost joint and less than a minute later, Celestia gave me a long low moan and twitched on the table. I wondered if I had made her climax as I moved to her other wing and did the same. It took too long to do each individually, so instead of doing one at a time, I took her middle joints and applied a little pressure, garnering another low moan for my efforts. I cast a glance over to Fluttershy who had one hand on her chest, breathing heavily as she watched me work. If Celestia was an exhibitionist, then Flutters was a voyeur.

After spending a few more minutes on her middle joints, I was finally done with Celestia’s massage. From the noticeably limp state of her, I knew she was going to be a few minutes, so I excused myself once more.

“How was it?” I heard Fluttershy ask.

“You’ll know soon enough." Celestia murmured in turn. I found it odd that they had practically spoken at the same volume, that volume being Fluttershy’s usual whisper, but I had heard them easily enough.

As I washed my hands under warm water to stave off the ache that had been building once more, I pondered the situation. I had (probably) just made Celestia orgasm, and now I was going to give innocent little Fluttershy the same treatment. I wasn’t too sure how I felt about that due to my cloudy mind, but I said I would do it. If she still wanted a massage, she was an adult who knew what she was getting into. I splashed some water on my face to clear the fuzz, but whatever that smell was, it had been impairing my judgement for some time and a little water wasn’t going to do much for it. I stopped by the laundry to pick up a towel and grabbed some soap from the kitchen to clean off the massage table. Fluttershy had most likely gone into my guest room to get changed while Celestia was melting in the recliner I never used.

“You’re not bad at massages, Max. We might have to make this a regular thing.” Celestia slurred.

“I wouldn’t mind, it’s relaxing for me too in a sense, and I like the challenge of getting you off without touching anything too private. Speaking of, are you okay with this?” I asked as I was wiping down the table.

“I spoke with Fluttershy. I don’t mind since I know about it, but I would probably tell Velvet once you return to Canterlot. I know I can’t always be there to satisfy your desires as a stallion, so if you choose to do so with Fluttershy while you’re here, I won’t blame you. Just let me know before you do so I can see if I have time to join in on the fun.”

“So you’re proposing a more open relationship? I can’t say I’m shocked with how easily you accepted Velvet, but doesn’t it bother you in the slightest?”

Celestia looked at me through a half closed eye. “I’ve been alive for thousands of years, Max. The only thing I want is for you to be happy while we’re together because I know I won’t have you for long.” She closed her eye and I felt my heart break for the poor mare.

“I never even thought about your side of things. I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience something that terrible, Celestia.”

“It’s just what happens when you’re practically immortal. I accepted it long ago, and if you truly do want to be with me, you’re going to have to come to terms with it as well. Though I will say this; you’ve already made me a happy mare, dear, and I wouldn’t trade the time we’ve spent together for much. Your view of the world and your personality are things I’ve never experienced from a being as surprisingly respectable as yourself. Usually when I meet somepony who trusts nopony and hates with their whole heart like you do, they’re trying to kill me. That’s why I was so cruel with my words the night you went to Gryphonia. I thought you were jumping at the chance to kill something, and despite my better judgement, I was scared that loving you would end with nothing but pain. Luna and I talked about you for a long time that night, and you know what we came up with?”

“I won’t until you tell me.” I was hanging on her every word, Celestia had as much of my attention as I could give her.

Celestia chuckled. “We agreed that, at your core, you are more scared than spiteful. You have been through enough to make you world weary at such a young age, and that’s why you seemed so needlessly harsh. You strike before you can be stricken and that’s how you protect yourself. When we sat down and thought about it, we realized just how amazing it is that you’re a stallion who wants to change and is actually taking steps to do so for the most part, though you could work on your interpersonal skills a bit more.”

“It’ll come in time, hun.” I leaned down to kiss her. “Some things just take time as I’m sure you’re aware of. I hope that I can be a man worthy of your love before my time is up, as evil as you can be sometimes.”

“Hey! I’m not evil!”

“I’ve been called evil for screwing with people, and you’re a helluva lot better at it than I am when you get into it. If I’m evil, then so are you.”

It was then that Fluttershy made her presence known by knocking on a wall. I whipped my head around and blushed, I’m not the most macho fellow, but some moments I would prefer to stay between myself and my lover.

“...How much of that did you hear?”

“...After Celestia said you struck out at ponies because you didn’t want to get hurt.”

“So the most embarrassing part. Tell you what; keep that one to yourself and I’ll forgot about our little incident.”

“Awww, you’re so cute.” Celestia teased,.“Are you worried about your fragile masculinity being prodded?” I rolled my eyes and grabbed one of the joints in her wing, squeezing down hard.

“Hey! Stop it~” Celestia moaned.

“Huh. I thought that would hurt.” I let go.

“It does a little, but not enough to make me ask you to stop.”

Fluttershy covered her face with the sleeves of a cream colored robe, which I assumed was one of mine.

“No need to be shy, Flutters. I’ve got the table clean and ready for you.”

She cautiously approached the table like it was going to bite her before she started to disrobe. She cast a furtive glance my way and I averted my eyes to Celestia who then tilted her head towards Fluttershy. I turned back and caught a pleasant peek at her breasts. They weren’t as large as Celestia’s but they were still quite ample, and her nipples were like two little cherries on top. I dragged my eyes away from the wonderful sight that be boobs to find that Fluttershy was giving me a sly little smile. I noticed that she puffed her chest out a bit while I was looking at her face and my gaze returned to her chest. I replied with a dirty grin and my trouble from earlier had returned with a vengeance, helped along by Celestia’s undistracted ministrations. I had gone soft in the restroom, thus shifting my member. Now I was casting a shadow unabashedly, considering that I didn’t have to hide it for any sense of modesty I’d had before I knew Fluttershy wanted a piece of me.

“Like what you see?” Fluttershy parroted.

“It would be hard not to. I’ve got to say, I never took you for the bold type, Fluttershy.”

“When you’re endowed like I am, you’re not afraid to show it off.” She bragged.

“When you’re endowed like you, it’s more difficult to hide it.” I looked down and inwardly grinned at my lifelong friend. I don’t really want to write down descriptions of my cock on paper because it feels weird, so I’ll just say he gets the job done with room to spare.

Fluttershy lay prone on the table and I grabbed the oil once more, this time working from her arms and shoulders downward instead of starting with her lower back like I did Celestia. I stood in front of her, my aching rod mere centimeters away from her face as I spread the oil on my hands and her shoulders, gently pushing down.

“You can be a bit firmer, I won’t break.”

“Can do.”

I pressed down a bit harder and began again, this time eliciting a sigh from Fluttershy as I worked her upper back. She was lacking the knots that Celestia had had, and was softer and squishier in general, lacking much in the way mentionable muscle. When I got to her deltoids and infraspinatus, however, I noticed more knots than I had thought possible in a mare her size. I attributed them to the constant and demanding task that was caring for a wide variety of animals and spent minutes on each of them, making sure I could feel nothing but putty before I moved on. I felt both Fluttershy and Celestia touch my shaft as I moved to her side and bit my lip, wondering if there was going to be a light at the end of this tunnel.

I tried a few more knots in Fluttershy’s lower back and made great progress, easing up the coiled masses that were her muscles as she played with the pull tab on my zipper, teasing me a bit more. I was plotting plans for revenge at that point, on both her and Celestia for their frustrating toying and when Fluttershy straight up grabbed my member, I moved the towel I had placed on her posterior and grabbed a handful of her soft, pliant ass. She gasped and Celestia leaned forward, looking excited as I squeezed. I saw that her Cutie Mark was a trio of butterflies and found it to be quite appropriate for her general character, stroke today’s happenings. I also noticed that she was wearing pink silk panties that covered most her bottom, which explained the difference in texture.

“You can play with that when we’re done, I’m trying to focus here, poppet. You too, Sunbutt.”

“Me? I’m all the way over here, Max. What could I possibly be doing?”

“Magic.”

I placed the towel back into it's original position, but Fluttershy whisked it away, leaving her behind uncovered.

“If you’re just going to grab it, there’s no point in having the towel, is there?” She inquired seductively.

“Fair enough. You do have a nice arse, Fluttershy.”

Celestia rolled her eyes and shifted in her seat as Fluttershy giggled. I had finished with her lower back and was about to move to her legs when I had an idea. I glanced over at Celestia and caught her eye, tilting my head down towards Fluttershy. She pretended to think for a moment and gave me a thumbs up. She then pulled the lever on the recliner and opened her robe, exposing her massive mammaries once more. Celestia made sure she had my attention as she removed her last article of clothing and began to stroke her sodden lips in a circular motion.

“What’s wrong Max? I know you like it, but you don’t have to stare.” Fluttershy turned to look at me, utterly oblivious to what Celestia was doing.

“Just thinking, poppet. How full body do you want your massage?”

“...How do you get more than full?”

“Take these off,” I tugged at her panties, “and I’ll show you”

Fluttershy took them off quickly, eager to get the ‘complete experience’ and the odd smell that had filled the room hit me full force; she had been the source all along! I knew then that it was her arousal I was smelling, if the soaked knickers she had discarded were any hint to go by. Celestia had gotten a much better view than I had and dipped a finger into her honeypot, moaning as she did so. I was tempted to get a taste of Fluttershy then and there, but my will power held out. I spread a good dollop of oil onto each plush cheek and began to ‘massage’ her bottom with enthusiasm. I moved to stand behind her and spread each cheek, firmly grabbing them before I started working my way down her legs. I added a bit more oil and mimicked the long, firm strokes I had used on Celestia, except this time, my hands went to Fluttershy’s rear instead of stopping short. After a few minutes of that, I had worked Fluttershy’s legs completely and moved back to her inner thigh, feeling the difference in fluids as I did. I was careful to brush her dripping sex with every stroke; not enough to get her anywhere near a climax, but enough to let her feel my pain.

Fluttershy was moaning quietly in minutes, though in her case she may as hell have been screaming at the top of her lungs. I let my hand slip and it landed between her lips, my index finger enveloped by her soft folds. I lightly played with the outer edges of her lips before I took my hands away all together, lathering my hands up once more before moving on to her wings.

“Why’d you have to stop there?” She murmured.

“Because we’re about to get to the fun part. Spread em.” She began to move her legs.

“Your wings, poppet. We’ll get to that later.” Fluttershy left her legs where they were and let her wings sag. They had been standing straight up, though I don’t know why. After a minute or so, Fluttershy managed to get her wings down and I began on the joints located near her shoulder blades. Celestia hadn’t felt much from it, so I guessed correctly that it was a good place to start. She pouted when I started there, but still surrendered to my will. Her sighs were lighter than they had been before, however, when I started on the middle joint of her left wing, the other shot up, whapping me good, causing me to grip her wing to avoid falling back. Fluttershy cried out and shuddered, her wings flailing about as she spasmed on the table. I let go once I had regained my balance and saw that she was most definitely a squirter. Once she had calmed down the the point she was only twitching every now and again, I squatted down in front of her.

“You okay there, poppet?”

Fluttershy muttered something unintelligible and I decided that it was time for a break. I lightly spanked her ass as I passed it by and she just moaned. Celestia was panting heavily and had been licking her fingers clean as I approached her.

“That may have been an accident, but it sure was a spectacle.” Celestia grinned dirtily at me.

“Sorry, not listening. I want you now, Celestia. It’s been three hours of torture and I am so ready.”

She just continued smiling and beckoned me over. I had been stripping as I spoke and my attire now matched Celestia’s. Somehow I had picked her up from her position on the recliner despite the fact I could never have done so easily under normal circumstances, but with the aroma of Fluttershy’s estrus incensing my lust, I had gained strength I never knew I had. Celestia was surprised as well, though she seemed to be enjoying herself nonetheless. My destination was was my bed and I nearly ran there. I had forgotten that Lupa was taking refuge from our lewd acts in my room, and she wasted no time skedaddling somewhere else once I entered with Celestia. I stood still for a moment and tried to register whatever had just happened, but I could barely think due to the intense strain I was feeling in my lower body and shrugged it off, finishing my journey as quickly as possible. I set Celestia down as gently as I could manage at the time, but I had basically ended up dropping her. She appeared to not care as I crawled between her legs and wasted no time positioning myself against her sodden sex. In one smooth motion, I entered her and felt nothing but bliss. I had finally begun the process of getting the release I waited all too long for, and I was going to fucking love every minute of it.

Celestia was already prepared in the best of ways, so there was no need for me to be gentle. In fact, I set a quick pace and she egged me on, begging me to give it to her harder, to speed up further. I was so happy to oblige. I could barely feel my member as I pistoned into her, the pleasure I was feeling resonating through my whole body, which I was rather pleased with. I imagine women felt much the same and I simply couldn’t get enough as I thrust into the beautiful white mare. Celestia moaned and stammered my name, breathless as I relentlessly pounded her. I had no warning when her first orgasm came besides the vague sensation of her fingertips on my back. I snapped out of my reverie for a moment and slowed down as she writhed. Waiting til her orgasm subsided, I steadied my breathing and cupped her face with my hand.

Celestia was panting heavily. “Little...Rough...There”

“I-I’m sorry, don’t know what came over me.” I was confused and my head was still foggy, but the feeling on my back had brought me to lucidity.

“I wasn’t...Complaining. Are you okay? Why’d you stop?”

“I don’t really know.” I kissed Celestia gently, feeling the familiar sensation of electricity tingling throughout my limbs that brought me all the way back to reality. With the fog gone, I felt like I was seeing Celestia for the first time again.

“Max…?”

“Do you mind if I turn the light on?”

I heard the switch flip and Fluttershy was standing in the doorway with a seductive look.

“Light’s on, let’s party!”

I looked back to Celestia and she was giving me a worried smile; I felt strange, like something wasn’t quite right here. I knew I wanted to lay Fluttershy, and that I was having fun with Celestia, but it was… Off.

“Hey, how much does estrus impair a mare’s judgement?”

Celestia tilted her head. I mean, it was a pretty odd question considering I was hilt deep in her and had shown no signs of subsiding. I turned to look at Fluttershy as she sashayed over to my bed and laid beside Celestia.

“Don’t worry, I wanted to try you before today.” Fluttershy assured me. Something still wasn’t quite right, but if she was happy with it, so was I.

I began again, pulling all the way out of Celestia before I dipped my tip into her, hilting her quickly, causing her to arch her back and moan. Her finger clawed at my back once again (though she didn't have nails) and I realized that she was still sensitive, so I decided to have some fun with her. I gave Celestia long slow strokes, actually searching for her G-spot now and ground against it with the length of my shaft. Celestia crooned as I pulled and gasped as I pushed, giving me the odd sensation of playing a pony shaped violin with my dick. It took much self control to not break out laughing at my comparison, but it was all that was on my mind as I continued ‘playing’ Celestia. My efforts were rewarded when she had another, smaller orgasm that squeezed me in many lovely ways. With my rationality regained, I was able to feel my manhood again, though it was still slightly numb. I gave it to Celestia nice and easy through her orgasm and was delighted when Fluttershy began playing with her breasts, and was even more so when she clambered on top and flicked Celestia’s clitoris with her tongue, swirling it around in little circles.

Once I pulled out to give Fluttershy what I had promised earlier, she promptly engulfed my tip, licking and sucking Celestia’s juices from I as the white mare meekly lifted her head to Fluttershy’s dripping sex. It was quite the sight to behold. Fluttershy lacked any real kind of skill, but the way she used her tongue like she was licking a lolly was pleasant in it's own way, especially since she was treating my helmet with extra care. However, I had never been more grateful for the ponies herbivorous nature when I felt her teeth slide along my shaft. I winced and bore it, hoping that perhaps she was just rusty. I was wrong; Fluttershy was applying skills she had heard of, but never actually used if her performance was anything to go by. After a few more minutes of fear incarnate, I withdrew, a strand of either precum or saliva connecting my helmet to her lips. I gave Fluttershy a reassuring smile since she had seemed worried about her performance. Celestia tapped her thigh twice and Fluttershy knelt beside her, but when Celestia sat up, she pushed the yellow mare flat on her back, straddling her. I was entreated to the sight of two rather wet, very attractive prospects just waiting for my attention. Remembering the taste of Celestia, I gave her a long slow lick and savored the sweet vanilla flavor that came along with it before I looked down further and tried Fluttershy. I was surprised to find that she didn’t taste like lemon squares as I had anticipated, but instead reminded me of a mild Bundt cake.

I had never been with Fluttershy before so I took it slow, placing my tip against her entrance and swirling it around, spreading her soft lips as I did. I tried to go it a little deeper, but I found that Fluttershy was incredibly tight. An odd thought about marrying flavours crossed my mind, so I eased my way into Celestia first, coating my member completely with her juices before I triedFfluttershy again and found that it was now much easier to fit my tip in. I was a few centimeters in when I felt an obstruction in my path, which could mean one of two things: Fluttershy was tighter than I had originally assessed, or she was a virgin. I guess I know what was off from before.

“Flutters?” I asked, leaning around Celestia to look at Fluttershy.

Her face grew rosier as she met my eye and she promptly looked away. Celestia looked between us, bewildered.

“What’s wrong, dear?”

“I might be tripping, but I think I’m brushing against something.”

“My guess would be fur, love” Celestia quipped sarcastically.

“T-That’s n-n-not what he’s talking about.” Fluttershy murmured, not looking at either of us.

Celestia removed herself and looked at where Fluttershy and I were joined, her eyes widening.

“Is that true Fluttershy?”

“W-Well…”

“Are you sure you want-”

“Yes!” Fluttershy blurted, looking me in the eye for the first time.

“Why me? I’m sure there’s better men that I you could give your first time to.”

“You ask t-too many questions.”

Celestia and I traded looks and I set my hand on Fluttershy’s muns, tenderly rubbing her clit. If I was going to take my first cherry, I was going to make the process as unsucky as possible. If Fluttershy trusted me enough with her first time, I was going to do my best to make sure it was a good one. I eased the first centimeters of my member back and forth, careful not to poke her hymen until I was ready to pierce it. I gently thrusted into her tight entrance and began using my tried and tested methods on her clit. During the throes of the orgasm she achieved a few minutes later, I thrusted sharply and broke through in one clean motion. She gasped suddenly and looked down, a little confused once she stilled.

“...Is that it?”

Celestia and I traded a look again.

“What do you mean? Of course there’s more to sex than one thrust.” I answered

“I thought it was supposed to hurt more.”

I began slowly thrusting into her, enjoying how her slick walls clung to every inch of my member.

“It would if you hadn’t just gotten hours of foreplay and a massage.” Celestia prevented any more talking by kissing Fluttershy, squeezing and toying with her expansive breasts as her own hung and swayed. It was rather enticing.

I knew I wasn’t going to last much longer with Fluttershy being so damned tight, but I held out for another few minutes until Fluttershy was on the precipice of another orgasm before I ejaculated deep inside her. As I was mid way through my climax, Fluttershy reached her own with a vengeance, flailing wildly as she had her first true orgasm. I softened slowly as I pulled out and Celestia hungrily cleaned up after our mess, not letting a drop of my cum go to waste. I was suddenly more tired than I had ever been in my life, and it was a struggle to stay upright.

I twisted and fell off to Fluttershy’s left and laid there awhile, trying to catch my breath, my vision rapidly darkening and lightening. It was an odd effect that I noticed less as my body began to ache and protest against the smallest movement. I took a few moments to breath and relax as the visual effect subsided and the ache grew dimmer. I had pushed myself most of the night and I was now feeling the effects, though my lower area felt amazing after finally finding release. Fluttershy had cuddled up next to me. On my right and Celestia on my left. I embraced the moment and finally relaxed, wondering what the bloody hell had just happened.

We laid there for hours, but Celestia had to go back to the castle eventually. After kissing me goodbye, she left and I was alone with Fluttershy. I had enjoyed the night with her, as weird as it was considering we had been arguing for a good bit. However, the fact the she still trusted me with her first time and that it had been relatively painless made me proud. I was planning on asking her why she had given her cherry to me of all people, and if she would keep it hush hush for a while until I could get a letter to Celestia asking if we were ever going to go public. My thoughts flickered back and forth between making my relationship with Celestia public knowledge and what this night had meant for Fluttershy and I. We could continue the relationship and see where that goes, but I would have to ask Velvet what her opinion was, and just because Celestia was fine with it didn’t mean Velvet would be. The thought worried me so much that I had to get a message to her, even though my clock told me it was four in the morning.

Celestia had given us each two bottles of dragon fire to send messages: a blue one that only worked if you put two missives in it and a red one for individual messages. The red one worked by whispering the name of the pony you wanted to message into it with a clear picture of their image in your mind, though they couldn’t send a message back unless they had a similar apparatus. I quickly jotted down a letter describing the night’s events and asked her opinion on them. I say quickly, but it was still two pages worth of dialogue to go through, and by the end of it, I was sure that any normal human woman would slap the ever loving shit out of me. I sighed and sent it off, returning to bed shortly after. Fluttershy hadn’t moved much, so I was able to return to my original position without much fuss, though she did latch on to me once she felt my presence again.

I got no sleep whatsoever that night, my mind doing flips and keeping me awake. I was thinking about getting the Warbling Blade’s sheath decorated when I felt Fluttershy stir around five or so. She took a moment to get her bearings having woken up in an unfamiliar place when she realized she was holding onto me.

“Morning, poppet.”

Fluttershy sighed with content and nuzzled my chest. “Good morning.”

We laid there for a few more minutes before Fluttershy sat up and stretched.

“Do you mind if I borrow your shower, Max?”

“Not at all. I don’t know if I have any feminine sundries in there, but if I do you’re welcome to them. If anything, that sandalwood soap I got is somewhat unisex.”

“Princess Celestia said she had some things in the guest room.”

“Somehow that doesn’t surprise me. You’re welcome to whatever you need, I’m going to make breakfast. Do you have any preferences?” I asked for politeness sake, not that I particularly minded. I just wasn’t sure if she’d want it.

“...I like pancakes.”

“Can do, though you’ll have to forgive me if they’re not the best. It’s been a while since I’ve made them.”

Fluttershy mumbled something.

“Say again?”

“...I… W-well, you c-could join me in the shower, i-if you want.” She hid behind her hair and looked away from me.

I cupped her face in my hand and gave her a gentle kiss. “I’ll be there shortly, let me pick something out for the day.”

It was a nice shower. Mine was a fair bit larger than Velvet’s so we didn’t have to get too close. We didn’t have to, but we did anyway. Fluttershy was back to her normal shy self, so I experimented a bit with her, seeing where she didn’t mind that I put my hands as I helped her wash and found that she was very receptive to her breasts and bottom, but less so to her midsection and her shoulder blades. That or she enjoyed it enough to shudder. Washing her wings was fun, but we allowed each other to wash our own privates, though Fluttershy was very interested in the wedding tackle that had taken her cherry. So much so, she was constantly touching it, even as I was washing her back, which only served to excite me. Once we were out of the shower, she jumped my bones in the bedroom and rode me until she came again, switching to missionary to let me finish. We needed another shower after that, so it was seven by the time I got started on breakfast.

(Ctrl+F [-FTS-] Scene is Over)

Fluttershy left to go take care of her animals just before eight, so I had plenty of time to get started on my preparation for my journey into the Everfree. I took all of my knives and wore a black long sleeved shirt that I hoped would protect me from the worst of any stray branches. Lupa had been avoiding me all morning and but once I approached her, she warmed back up soon enough, though I think she was mad at me for being a bit of a slut. That thought niggled at me, no matter how much I tried to push it away, and when I asked her if that was what was bothering her, she just turned away and opened the door, trotting outside without a sound. Now I felt bad.

My satchel had two day's worth of provisions in it and a canteen I had picked up the day before was strapped around my shoulder. I was as ready as I was going to get. The Everfree was on the other side of town, so I would pass by Fluttershy’s on the way in. The walk itself was uneventful, though the fact that my pet thought I was some kind of whore still bothered me; whatever happened to unconditional love and loyalty? I shook off the negativity I was feeling and focused on the fact that I had just gotten lucky via two magnificent women, both of whom were pleasant to be around most of the time. That had put a smile on my face and a bounce in my step, so reaching the Everfree took less time than I thought it would have.

Now, most of the ponies I had spoken to about the Everfree told me to do pretty much anything other than than enter it due to it's dangerous nature. Twilight had explained that there was a lot of dark magic that congregated there from kilometers around the area, so I was feeling quite a bit of trepidation about entering, but with the Kobold Compass giving me a general direction of where I was going and a normal compass and map to get me back, I swallowed my fear as I passed by Fluttershy’s home. There were plenty of animals around, but I didn’t see the mare herself, thus I passed without visiting and headed into the Hellhole that is the Everfree.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The Everfree was dark and dank, the smell of rot and decay filled my nose and I felt certain sense of nostalgia. The Everfree had been the place where I’d originally come to Equestria, so it was odd coming back. Suddenly, I was worried about getting transported back to England the same way I was sent here. I still had no idea how I had gotten here, and the memories of what the Rat Bastard and the Chief had done to me nearly caused me to be sick. I had done a good job of repressing those thoughts until now, and I couldn’t help but worry more and more until I had to take shelter from myself in the roots of a gnarled Elder tree. I collected my thoughts and pushed my memories back as far as they would go. My foray had only taken me a few hundred meters at this point and I was already freaking the fuck out and I hadn’t even seen the Kobold.

When I had gotten a handle on myself, I followed the compass further into the Everfree. I only had to stop once when I saw a massive creature with a lion’s body, bat like wings, and a tail like a snake. Not just like a snake, it was a bloody fucking snake! I hid behind a tree and watched. It was tearing apart what seemed to be a saber toothed cat of some sort, and the smell of blood permeated through the air, sharp and metallic. I skirted around, keeping my distance before it suddenly lifted it's head. Lupa lowered herself, hackles raised and I drew my longest blades. Lowering my stance to make sure I could move as I pleased, I was worried about the outcome of the fight that was seemingly about to befall us. My worries proved well warranted when the Manticore turned our way and charged, it's lunch completely forgotten. Lupa dashed towards it, using her agility to her advantage as she dodged around the monstrosity, making the Manticore stop in it's tracks to try and turn towards her. It was then that I saw my opportunity to strike: I leaped forward and sunk the Warbling Blade deep into it back until I felt It lodge between two of its vertebrae. From there, I stabbed and slashed as quickly as I could with as much force as I could muster. The Manticore’s blood flew from my brutal assault, and when Lupa began ripping and tearing at its throat, it bled all the more. Its back legs went limp after my strike with the Warbling blade and its front legs flailed about, jerking spasmodically before it began to still. By the end of the sordid affair, Lupa and I were covered in the blood of our felled foe and it lay still, breathing final breath. Lupa and I stood over the beast as we came out of our battle fury. She began trying to get bits of fur, gore, and blood out of mouth when I knelt down and helped her. It took some doing, but once she was mostly clear, we continued on our way.

I hadn’t been expecting to run into any creatures such as that, but now that I thought about it, I realized it was inevitable. Shit was going to get sideways while we were in this hell hole, so it was pertinent that we got out before either of us got hurt. We followed the Kobold Compass deeper and deeper until we finally found it on its own, fishing with a crude spear in a stream. It was the size of an eleven year old or so, and was covered in scales, reminding me of a lizardman from a few different games I had played. It was green and drab, wearing nothing save for a gourd that it drank from occasionally. We watched it for an hour, watching it fail time and time again until it speared a trout and ate it raw. After observing it for so long, I couldn’t help but feel the glimmer of intelligence it had from a distance. I knew that it wasn’t very smart, but I felt like it wasn’t my place to end the creature, that it was just minding own business. That is, until, I saw it walk off to the north. Lupa and I had followed it from afar, rounding a bush where we could hide and still see what was going on. It stood over the body of a female Pony with gouges and bites taken out of it all over it's body. It seemed like it had been dead for sometime, and I hadn’t heard of any recent kidnappings from Ponyville, so she may have been from Cloudsville since the Pony was a Pegasus I wondered why it was there and why the Kobold had even bothered fishing if it had a meal already until I saw something completely disgusting: It was raping the cadaver. I couldn’t believe my own eyes. This thing was going to die, and I was not going to let it be a quick journey to the end. I began to stand when I heard rustling come from further north and saw three more of it's kind join it. They squawked some sort of greeting and one of them took up a position at the mare’s mouth and inserted it's disgusting thing. The other two were evidently females, which I guessed after they each squatted over the mare’s hand and pressed them against their lower bodies.

I was nearly sick at the sight. It was at that moment that I became a flaming racist against Kobolds. I drew four of my throwing knives and put them back, instead favoring the Warbling blade and my fighting dirk. I was going to enjoy every second of dismembering these sick fucks, and I wanted to feel it up close and personal, despite the risks. I nodded to Lupa and we ran, crossing the distance between us and the four necrophiliacs at a breakneck pace. The first never saw it coming as I slammed the hilt of my dirk into the back of its head, knocking it out cold. The other three had jumped so hard they left the ground when Lupa ripped off one of the supposed female’s arms off. I threw my dirk and stuck the second male high in the thigh, bright red blood gushing from its wound and Lupa lunged upon the final one standing, crushing against the ground with her massive paw. It reached up to swipe at her and I stomped it's claw, feeling its bones shatter much like mine once had. I could muster no pity for these foul creatures. With the Warbling blade in hand, I disemboweled the kobold that Lupa had ‘disarmed’ so it would feel a little bit more pain before it died. The kobold I had stabbed in the leg was trying to limp away, losing a lod of greenish blood as it went. That one I jumped on, leaving it stomach first on the ground which gave me the access I needed to punish it accordingly. I slit its back twice and laid my knife carefully on the ground, and reached in. The Blood Eagle was made for despicable being like these. Two were left; the one with a broken wrist and the one I had knocked out. The one I had knocked out was the one I was saving the worst punishment for, and the one on the ground was going to get a fun treatment.

“Lupa,” She was still snarling at the terrified rapist, “crush it.”

I could hear its bones snap, crack, and pop as Lupa increased the pressure on it. The Kobold’s ribs broke and pierce through its scales as it wheezed and groaned. By the time Lupa had let off, it had been spewing blood from its mouth and torso, dying moments later. The other two kobolds had died quite painfully a few meters away, leaving only their sleeping companion. I pondered what I would do to this one when Lupa stalked over and bit one of its hands off. I collected my dirk and began sawing its feet off when it woke up screaming. It kicked and swung its ruined arms at me as I broke its tibia and cut the rest of the tendons in that leg. I could swear that it was crying when Lupa stepped on it, ceasing its movements. Instead of the laborious process that was breaking and cutting through its leg, Lupa saved me the trouble by ripping it off at the knee. The kobold fell silent, but was still breathing when we left. We had solved the problem we had come for, but I had new plans. After scooping out a decent sized grave for the poor mare, I checked the Kobold Compass and we followed it further in.

We came across a small encampment of the horrid creatures. I may have only come for one of them, but my newfound prejudice would not allow me to leave a single one of them alive. The sun was setting and the Kobolds were retreating into their primitive structures. We had come at just the right time. When night fell and the moon was high, we began our morbid task. I entered one of the huts and stabbed two Kobolds in their hearts, ending them without so much as a peep. As I left, I heard the rending of flesh of Lupa did her job, attracting the attention of as many of them as possible. I held my knives and rushed the three kobolds with spears, ending them in quick succession. The eight that were left were being torn apart by Lupa one by one in a bloody massacre, and I helped the process along, taking them down at my leisure as they were focused on the whirling dervish that was my partner. Their screams did nothing to slow us down. By the end of the night, we had hit two more camps and the Kobold Compass showed us no more of them, so we started back to Ponyville, covered in the dried blood of over a three dozen Kobolds.

It was an arduous walk through the Everfree, though we met no more threats on our way out. The terrain provided its own challenges as we travelled. Roots popped up where there had previously been none to see, low hanging branches snagged at my clothing and I as very grateful that I had decided to don a long sleeved shirt for the task. I was also glad it was black, because I was quite sure that I was dyed in greenish red from head to toe. Lupa’s fur was matted down in most places, so we detoured to a calm stream that I don’t believe held any super sized twink river serpents. After a quick bath in the cold, formerly clear water of the river, we were somewhat clean, but still reeked of their fetid blood. I felt no such thing as regret, just grim determination to kill as many of them as I could in the future. Lupa and I stalked out of the forest and my energy faded rapidly. I hadn’t slept in all too long, so I was going to get some good rest tonight, but we still had to get across Ponyville.

Judging by the shadows the moon cast, it was late as fuck. I could see the beginnings of the sun on the horizon, so we picked up our pace to avoid being seen in the wretched state that we were in. I didn’t want one of the towns ponies to come across me and fret over nothing but a few scratches and the odd cut or three. Home had never looked so good when we arrived. After I had given Lupa a proper bath and scrubbed away some extra blood that the river hadn’t managed to wash, I wrote a note to Luna stating that I had done the task and a little more than that. Only a few minutes passed before she straight up teleported into my living room where I had been about to nap on the couch.

“Oi! Don’t you know how to knock?”

“Your report was very vague, Maximus. What do you mean when you say that you’ve ‘done a bit extra’?”

“I mean I exterminated the Kobolds I could find.” I stood, went into my room, and came back out with her compass. “They were disgusting creatures, I couldn’t let them live.”

She took it from me and checked it. “I only asked you to slay the one that was troubling Sadelle.”

“I saw four of them rape the corpse of some poor woman. They ate a good bit of her, but saved enough for their sick deeds. Creatures like that don’t deserve to live, Luna.”

“They what.” It obviously wasn’t a question. Luna’s starry mane began to whip about wildly like cosmic flames. I held up and hand.

“There’s little point in getting mad now. I’ve killed all of them that were within about twenty or so kilometers.”

Luna didn’t calm down much. “To think that such filthy creatures were on our land!”

“Again, there’s little point in being upset about them now. Lupa and I have handled the ones we could find.”

“And I will handle the rest. You will be well rewarded for this, Maximus. Thank you for bringing this plague to my attention.”

“No problem. It was worth the time and effort. Very well worth it. Leave the compass with me and I’ll be sure to comb the Everfree for more of them when I have a chance.”

“It will not be necessary. I will send my Dogs of War through the forest to hunt them down.”

“Why didn’t you just do that in the first place?”

“We-er, I needed to assess your abilities, remember? I will personally review your work. Be awake when I return.”

“Luna, I’m running on fumes right now. I haven’t slept in three day's and it’s a miracle I’m awake right now.”

“Thirty minutes. I will return shortly.”

I sighed heavily and Lupa rested her head on my lap after hopping onto the couch. I petted her for a few minutes before I just fell asleep. I didn’t stay asleep very long, since Luna was back in fifteen minutes. She did not look happy.

“I saw many of the corpses you left behind. I would appoint you to Head Custodian if I the position still existed.”

“In fairness, the ones that were in pieces were Lupa for the most part.”

“And the one with its lungs on its back?”

“That was me, yes.”

“Brutal. Not terribly efficient, but it does send a message.”

“That’s the point. Can I sleep now?”

Luna rolled her eyes and teleported away, leaving me to rest. I laid down and the sweet bliss that is sleep took over.

Chapter Fifteen: Natural Botany
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Fifteen: Natural Botany

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Chapter Sixteen: Rocky Road
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Sixteen: Rocky Road

Author's Note

So this chapter happened.
If you notice that 'to' and 'too' are in the wrong place, please point a finger at myself and Google Docs. When I accidentally corrected 'too' as 'to', I tried to reverse it, but that didn't work out too well for me.

Leave a thumb or a comment, let me know how I'm doing.

Stay Cool, Kids

Edit: I remember writing this chapter straight from the heart. I cried manly tears during some of it for manly reasons. Fixed some diction and syntax, a few run on sentences, and a couple more plot holes.

Chapter Sixteen: Rocky Road

Time had flown in Ponyville and I found myself stuck in bed for a few hours just digesting all that had gone on. I had forgiven and basically agreed to shag someone I had once considered my greatest enemy in Equestria, argued with and shagged one of the nicest woman I’d ever met, pissed off more ladies in a shorter time span than I ever had before, obliterated quite a few terrible creatures, been labelled as a slut for sleeping with two women, and nearly fought someone three times my size. I had introduced several ponies to the magical effects of ganja, pissed Lupa off, exposed secrets I had never wanted to tell anyone, and pissed off one of the happiest people I’d ever met. It had been an awfully busy week, even though I had taken time off to do nothing all day twice. I wondered if it was just the way Ponyville seemed to work or if it was just me. Life was sucking quite a bit, but it had also had its upsides. One way or another, I was probably going to get a slice of some sweet apple pie once I sent that note off to Celestia, and I had completely forgotten over the course of a day that I still needed to talk to her about my secrets.

I really didn’t want to do that.

I pushed myself out both out of my bed and my head, switching tactics to getting breakfast on some plates. My appetite had returned after spending so much of the night with Applejack, which I was quite thankful for. I still felt heavy and weary, but I could deal with that as I went along. It made me curious as to who I’d have to spend more time with to thaw that part of my heart out, so I decided to see if that person was going to be Pinkie today. While I was quite sure that she still hated me for breaking Fluttershy’s heart, I was pretty sure she had forgiven me if her off color jokes about ‘tasting’ her friends was anything to go by. I washed up and dressed in a dark blue V-neck, some navy jeans, and the jacket I had let Applejack wear last night. Much to my pleasure, I found that it smelled faintly of apple flavoured baked goods, which I was quite fond of. I had forgotten to add Applejack’s perpetual scent of apples to my list of pros last night, but I already had a few good reasons to agree to her proposition.

Lupa had left sometime early in the morning, so I walked to the best bakery in town all alone with only Me, Myself, and my right hand to keep me company. Wanking is so much less depressing when you think of your hand as a separate entity.

Disturbing, perverted thoughts aside, I had ran through the majority of my stay and chronicled most of my thoughts in my journals, so I really had nothing to keep my mind occupied. I focused on enjoying more of the quaint little town that was Ponyville. As colorful as it was in comparison to my original home, I found myself growing more and more accustomed to the place. It was easier than one might think due to the generally friendly nature of the town, even if none of the inhabitants looked terribly like my fellow species. I did miss my old life in a sense, but my new one was beginning to shape up pretty well, so I could put my bout of homesickness aside in favor of something that could lift my spirits a bit.

As I trekked through town greeting the ponies that greeted me, I found myself quite surprised by the abrupt arrival of a mint green mare with a white stripe in her hair.

“Hello!” She beamed at me and stretched her hand out to me.

I took it and looked at her. “Wotcher. Can I help you?”

“Actually, yes! My name is Lyra, and I’ve been wanting to talk to you ever since I saw you at Pinkie’s welcoming party. Unfortunately, we just never had the opportunity since then, but I sure am glad we can talk now!” She seemed like a nice enough girl, even if she was a bit excitable.

“Indeed. Not to be rude, but what did you want to talk about? I’m not trying to rush you, but I’m not one much for polite small talk at the moment.”

Her smile fell a bit. “Oh, I’m sorry. If you’re in a hurry we could hold off.”

“No, no, you have me mistaken. I would be quite happy to talk to you, love, I’m just on my way somewhere. Care to join me at Sugarcube Corner? We could talk over a bite and a cuppa.”

Her smile returned full force. “I‘d be glad to! When would you like to meet?”

“If you have the time, I was heading there now.”

“Perfect!” She took my hand and started tugging me in the opposite direction.

I grabbed her tail and yanked it one good time, causing her to yelp. She let go of me and whipped around with a blush on her face.

“That’s the wrong way, love. Sugarcube Corner is a couple streets that way.” I pointed in the direction I had been heading.

Lyra had the grace to look embarrassed. “Oh, sorry! I guess I just got ahead of myself!” Are you trying to do sex on me or something?

We talked about how my life in Ponyville had been so far and she told me about her favorite hobby. I hadn’t taken her for much of a musician, but once I saw the pads on her fingers, it told me that she had been practicing her craft for years. When I asked, she said that she had been playing string instruments for the better part of her life, ever since she could walk. However, she had found that the harp was where her heart lie and she had continued from there ever since.

We arrived in no time since we hadn’t been terribly far away in the first place, but we continued talking once we were seated. I had ordered some black coffee and a bran muffin (don’t judge me) and she ordered a plate of pancakes along with a nice breakfast tea. As an Englishman, I could respect the tea, but I had never been terribly fond of super sweet breakfasts, preferring scones and bacon to waffles and cereals.

“So what did you want to talk about, love?” I asked once we had gotten our food. The conversation hadn’t lulled terribly before then, but I was rather curious.

“Well, I’ve only heard legends and myths of Humans, and those are rather uncommon. Humans are supposed to be hulking, hairless monkeys that are smart and tougher than any pony could ever be, but with the brains to do nearly anything. Can you tell me how much of that is true?”

“I’m not exactly hulking, but I’d like to think that I’m pretty smart. Most people seem to think so, at least.” She actually ‘squeed’ when I said people. This was going to be an odd one.

“So are you the ‘average’ human? Or are you smaller, taller, smarter, dumber? Tell me about yourself!”

“Well, I’m a bit shorter than most humans at about 5’7 in your measurements. I’m on the small side, but I am far more clever than the majority of my kinsmen, and quite a bit more agile and dextrous. There’s little I can tell you without knowing what you want to know.”

“Well, do a lot of humans look like you? What do you do for fun?”

“Most humans look radically different, and sometimes we come in different colors based on our heritage. I’m considered somewhat pale, but that’s because of my Caucasian heritage. The color spectrum runs from me to dark brown, though it’s generally more of a chocolate kind of deal when you get to the darker folk. There’s a few exceptions such as people who are pale white and people who are nearly black, but we’re all basically the same once you get past that. Our hair colors can be a rather ruddy orange, blonde, brown, or black, though quite a few of the female members of my species like to color their hair. It’s not as common for males to do it, though some do, but when it comes to bodily modifications of most kinds, it’s generally a female thing.”

“So what are the different sexes of your species called? I know you say ‘anyone’ instead of ‘anypony’, so are there more discrepancies like that?”

“The different sexes are called ‘men’ for plural and ‘man’ for singular males. I am a man. The females are called ‘women’ and ‘woman’, and though they sound similar, they don’t mean the same thing. They are respectively plural and singular.” I thought for a moment on her second question. “How about I just list off the differences? Humans have feet instead of hooves, use words like ‘everybody’ and ‘everyone’, have hair instead of fur, and usually aren’t as touchy-feely as ponies.”

“Fascinating! What about your rulers? Are they like our own immortal princesses?”

“Hell no. Our rulers are all mortal, despite what some of them might think. No, in my land, rulers have something called dynasties that determine who takes their place when they die. That, or we have something called either a democracy, republic, or a parliamentary system in which we elect our leaders. Rarely do monarchies last, but the monarchy that ruled my country has lasted far longer than most, but we did eventually switch government types. No longer does one person make all the decisions.”

“But having so many humans in power must be chaotic! I know ponies don’t always agree on everything, but when it comes to politics, I bet things are far more polar.”

“They are. In a sense, nothing ever gets done, but really, what my government did was be sneaky as hell and do all sorts of things that no one knew about. I’m not saying all of it was terrible, but the system of government we had was already corrupt, so there was little anything the common man could do.” I decided to skip the part where I thought Celestia was corrupt. I still needed to talk to her about that some time.

Lyra and I talked for a while longer until noon rolled around and she had prior engagements to attend to. I was feeling a bit worn out from all the talking, but I had still planned on talking to the girl who had been creepily watching me for the past hour and a half. I turned to look at Pinkie who was sitting a few tables over and waved. She waved back and came to sit across from me, nursing what seemed to be a milkshake.

“Hiya, Max! Were you on a date with Lyra?” Pinkie asked

“Nope. Met her on the street and she wanted to ask a few questions. I had the time, so I did. I actually came here to hang out with you for a bit, if you’re not terribly busy.”

“Yay! Can we go on a date? I have just the place, it’s upstairs!”

”As much as I appreciate your enthusiasm to get in my pants, I’m going to say no on that. I don’t want to sleep with you, Pinkie.”

“Aww, shoot! Maybe some other time. Would it help if I told you that I’m even crazier in bed?”

“No, it would not. It would help if I wasn't taller than you, and you had bigger boobs though.” I flatly stated.

Pinkie gasped. “I can’t believe that! I have perfectly respectable boobs!”

“You have a washboard chest, love.”

Pinkie put her thumb in her mouth and blew, her breasts expanding with each breath. I was fucking thunderstruck until she blew to hard and they popped. I sat there, jaw on the floor, mind somewhere in France until she giggled and showed me the top of her thumb, upon which was taped a tube that I had somehow not noticed before.

“I gotcha good, didn’t I?” She tittered.

“You sure did. Knowing you, I thought you were using magic or something to do that.”

“No, I’m pretty sure the story just hasn’t had much in the way of comedic relief for a while, so that’s where I come in!”

I looked at Pinkie like she had found her mind and judo flipped it onto the ground before putting it in a submission hold.

“You sure are an odd one, aren’t you.”

“I sure am! What did you want to do today, if you’re not going to treat me like the bad little filly I am?”

“I could always give you a stern, platonic spanking if you want. Find me a paddle and we’ll head back to my place.” Pinkie looked very excited about that. “I was kidding, love. Chill.”

“You really shouldn’t lead a mare on like that. I might like to be the giver more than the receiver when it comes to BDSM, but I’ll be the sub if I find someone who actually wants to do it. You strike me as more of a sub anyways.” Try me and I'll kill you.

“Never say that again.”

“Why not?”

“There are memories I have that are better left undisturbed. How about we go…” I couldn’t think of anything for us to do. Ponyville was an awfully small town after all.

“Ooh! I know! Let's go prank our friends! I don’t think your prank was all that fun, so I’ll show you some of my favorites!”

“Sounds fine to me. Let’s do it.” Pinkie Pie offered her hand to me and I just raised an eyebrow.

“You’re supposed to shake a hand, Max!” She exclaimed.

“I would if I didn’t know you had a buzzer on it.” I turned her palm towards the ceiling.

“How did you know?” She asked innocently.

“I usually do. It’s a classic prank, and if your style is anything to go by, you need to think bigger. Today, we’re going to get Twilight good by way of a book.”

“Twilight loves books! How is that a prank?”

“Because we’re going to make it more interesting, duh.” I said casually.

Pinkie gave me an odd look and I told her what we’d need for the prank. It wouldn’t come to fruition today, but with time it would be the perfect little jab. I told Pinkie what supplies I would need and she retrieved them from her stash of joke supplies, then we went to the bookstore and grabbed a blank journal. After that, I took us over to the Lock Pad and borrowed some supplies from Onyx, as well as had him put an old fashioned lock on the journal. We weathered the book to make it look old, found some old gold paint that I used to write ‘Augustus Necronomicus’ on the cover, and dipped the book in dirty water to give it that aged look. After borrowing one of Pinkie’s friends magic to dry it, we took it back to Sugarcube Corner and I began my works. Over the course of four hours, I went into excruciating detail about each and every one of my exploits, filling about half of the journal with pure, unadulterated smut and some imagined gore. Pinkie filled the rest with some psychotic ramblings that I could barely make sense of, and with that, we had the perfect Twilight oriented prank.

We began on one for Rainbow, but I didn’t know her well enough to come up with much. Pinkie, on the other hand, had found the Pegasus postwoman I had met the other day and convinced her to set off some lightning around a small, lone cloud that was hovering near Sweet Apple Acres. I had no idea what was going on, but Pinkie had assured me that I just had to wait and watch. An hour later, the strange pegasus mare came back with a much more capable looking friend and they had brought two dark clouds with them somehow. I had asked Pinkie why they had two giant pieces of dirty cotton with them, but she told me that they were actual clouds which surprised me quite a bit. Even more surprising was when the two pegasi kicked the clouds and set off lighting. Once I recollected myself, I heard a loud thud. Pinkie looked at me and grinned, grabbing my hand and sprinting over to where the sound had come from. In a small crater on the ground lay Rainbow dash, arse over head.

“Hiya Rainbow! Whatcha doooin’? Pinkie asked brightly.

“I was napping,” She replied testily, “but somepony just had to come and wake me up!” She righted herself and looked at the two of us, glaring.

I waved at her. “It’s a bit early for a nap, yeah? How were you sleeping on a cloud?”

“Have you never heard of Pegasus magic?” She scoffed.

“No I thought Unicorns were the only ones with magic.”

Pinkie answered my unspoken question. “Nope! All ponies technically have magic! Even Earth Ponies! Pegasi and Earth Ponies just have different kinds!”

“Huh. Maybe I should start eating whatever the hell it is you guys do.”

“Silly human, flowers are for ninnies!”

“Hey! I happen to like flowers!” Rainbow objected.

“Eating them is for ninnies, didn’t you hear the woman?”

Rainbow glared and Pinkie grinned airily. “So what do you two want, other than to ruin my day?”

“Well, Max here won’t give me any, so I was wondering if you’d be interested!”

“Give you any what?” Rainbow looked confused, and I decided not to clear that up.

“Don’t worry about it. Wanna help us prank Rarity?”

“Sure!”

And we were off to see Gandalf the White. We talked Idly about what to do when Pinkie had the most off the wall suggestion I’d heard from her yet. Rainbow and I looked at her like she was crazy, but since I had nothing better to do, and my inhibitions were out for the day, I went along with it. Rainbow, however, talked us down to a compromise that would leave us with some modesty, so I agreed with her suggestion.

Our little trio walked into the Carousel Boutique, Rainbow and Pinkie both wearing cheese filled grins, while my stony countenance remained unmoved. Rarity didn’t seem to have any customers at the moment, so we put our little plan into action once we heard Rarity call out her presence saying she would be there in a moment.

“Hello there,” She said stepping through the door to her back room. She turned to face us, “How can I- Oh dear Celestia!” She shouted, covering her eyes and turning away.

I replaced my trousers and my shirt, leaving my jacket off. Rarity had peeked via a nearby mirror while I was doing so, but I deemed it unworthy of a comment. Pinkie and Rainbow stayed in their respective bras and knickers, though neither of them really needed the braziers.

“Why would you come in here like that!? Have you ponies no shame?” Rarity asked dramatically.

“No, we’re just comfortable enough with our bodies to show them off. Who did you like more; Rainbow, Pinkie, or myself?” I asked with a half-smirk.

“None! Will you two please dress yourselves?” Rarity shielded her genteel eyes from further dirtiness.

“Nope! Not until you give us an answer.” Rainbow put her hands on her hips and walked towards Rarity.

“Yeah! Why don’t you tell us what you think?” Pinkie Pie bounced along behind her.

Rarity couldn’t see them because she was still looking away, but the sound she made when her shorter friends hugged her was both adorable and hilarious.

“Will you two please show some modesty!? I swear, you need something better to do!” She tried to push them awake with her hands without touching their chests, but the task proved difficult as both of the girls were faster and nimbler than her.

“Alright, Pinkie, Rainbow. I think we’ve gone far enough.” I picked up their clothes and handed them to their owners, looking away as they got dressed.

“Dude, it’s a bit late to look away.”

“I wasn’t looking in the first place. It’s not like either of you are my friends or anything.”

“All the more reason you shouldn’t be embarrassed!” Pinkie bounced over to me and I looked her in the eyes. In the blink of an eye, she was stark naked in front of me, and Rainbow was blushing something fierce, her wings stuck out straight.

“Pinkie!” Rarity cried. “You are n-nude in the presence of a stallion! Please control yourself!”

“Or don’t. I don’t care what you do.” My stomach churned a little when Pinkie did a little twirl. Rainbow quickly put her shorts back on, followed by the light blue T-shirt she had been wearing earlier. Pinkie was still naked, but she didn’t seem to care.

“It’s nice to be naked! Why don’t you give it a try?” Pinkie asked me directly. Rarity turned a bit with a blush on her face and Rainbow’s eyes were still glued to Pinkie, though she did managed to peel her gaze away after a bit.

“If I do, will you get dressed?” I asked.

“Maybe, maybe not. Maybe I’ll give you a hug for being so brave!”

“Pinkie, for shame!” Rarity seemed a bit less sincere when she said that.

“Make that a definite yes and I will.”

Pinkie pretended to think for a moment. “Hmmm. What do I get out of that? Maybe I just want the hug?”

“If I hug you while naked, will you get dressed?”

“Yes!”

“Fine.” I began to undress and noticed that the other two mares had similar reactions to Pinkies. Rainbow looked mildly interested, and Rarity very much so though she tried to be discreet. Pinkie was looking at me with a hunger I had only seen from Twilight in estrus.

Once I was fully naked, I spread my arms. “Ready when you are.” Pinkie wasted no time in gluing herself to my body and I could feel her soft fur on my manhood. Luckily, I still didn’t find her attractive so I had no worries, though after the five second mark, I was beginning to get concerned.

“Pinkie? You can let go now.” I said cautiously.

“I never said how long I would hug you.”

I rolled my eyes and pried her arms off, giving the girls the last good look they were going to get before redressing. Pinkie Pie followed suit with a sigh when she saw that I was still completely flaccid, and Rarity was sporting a good blush.

“Did you perverts enjoy the show?” I asked

Rainbow shrugged. “Meh.”

“Yes!”

“I-I wasn’t looking!” The three of us pranksters all gave Rarity a droll stare and she covered her mouth, averting her eyes. “O-Okay, maybe a little.”

“Like I said; perverts, all of you.”

“I am no pervert!” Rarity protested.

“And yet you still found it within your morals to gaze upon a man in his unclothed state. One might call you a horndog, madam.”

“I-I never-”

“We all saw you looking, Rares. There’s no shame in it.” Rainbow rolled her eyes again.

“Hey! You two got to see us naked, why don't you strip for us?” Pinkie asked playfully.

“No problem here. It’s only fair.” Rainbow began to strip once again and Rarity tried to run, but Pinkie grabbed her tail and she stopped short.

“You don’t want to be the only one who doesn’t, do you? It’s not fair to Max here if you got to look at him!

“She had no input on that, Pinkie. Don’t push someone into something they don’t want to do. Though if you want to,” I turned to a beet red Rarity, “I wouldn’t look if you asked me not to.”

“I-I think I…” Rarity looked unsure as she fingered her calf length skirt.

“Just do it or don’t! You really need to make up your mind.” A now naked Rainbow said. I glanced in her direction as she spoke, but averted my gaze once I saw the blue planes of her body.

“What, you never seen the coolest pony alive naked?” Rainbow taunted.

Pinkie Pie’s attention was now on her. I scratched at the stubble that had grown on my chin. “Can’t say I have. If you ever see them, point them in my direction, will you?” Rainbow punched my shoulder hard enough to leave a light bruise and got dressed, making sure to bend over in front of me to give me a good look. I ignored her and looked to Rarity.

“Why are our friends so immature?”

“You did it too, Max!” Rarity pointed out.

“And I didn’t compliment myself or glomp anyone while naked, now did I?”

“No, I suppose you didn’t.” Rarity looked off to the side and her blush grew as she fidgeted with the top button of her blouse.

I saw an opportunity to mess with her. “Here, let me help you with that, poppet. I think you’re having far too much trouble.” I stepped up to her and brushed her hand aside, unbuttoning two of the fastenings quickly. I smirked at her as her breathing picked up and Pinkie along with Rainbow both giggled.

“I thought you were just going to do it for her, dude!” Rainbow laughed.

“I just wanted to help Rarity out since she seemed to be getting warm. I know what it’s like to have trouble with those pesky buttons, poppet.” I leaned a bit more into my accent.

“T-Thank you, I suppose.” Rarity said softly. I could tell she was getting uncomfortable, so I decided to change tact.

“How about we leave poor Rarity alone for now, girls?” Pinkie and Rainbow shared a looked before the blue one tried to pants me as Pinkie got behind me.

Somehow, despite my belt, Rainbow managed to get my pants off and Pinkie pushed me straight into the soft confines of Rarity’s bosom. I managed to keep myself upright, but I had gotten clumsy with the placement of my hands and one of them landed on Rarity’s shoulder. The other one found a much softer target.

I righted myself and pulled my pants up, willing my willy to stay down. “I’m going to kick both of your arses up and down this street.” I idly threatened. Rainbow and Pinkie made a hasty retreat, leaving me with a stunned Rarity.

“Sorry about that, Rares. It was just supposed to be a quick prank.”

“I-I… Well, i-it’s no problem, I understand.” She looked at anything other than me for a good moment.

“Again, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or feel awkward. I closed the distance between us and re-buttoned her frilled white blouse for her, being very careful where I put my hands under her anxious eye.

“Wait here a moment, will you please?” Rarity asked nervously.

“Of course.” I stood as she went into her back room and looked around. As usual, her shop was meticulously kept and I could see nothing out of order. The outfits she herself had made were color coded for ladies attire and by size for the comparatively colorless male attire.

“M-Max? Are you still there?” Rarity called from the back.

“I am.” I replied.

“Could you come back here for a moment?”

I walked through the door to find bright white fur contrasted against tasteful and sexy black lingerie. My eyes immediately went to Rarity’s face as I accounted for modesty and I walked closer, avoiding looking upon her lovely figure, regardless of the implied invitation to do so.

“S-So… What do you think?”

“Not a terribly fair question since you never answered my question earlier.”

“My answer should have been fairly obvious.” She huffed, crossing her arms. It raised her breasts quite nicely, though I wasn’t looking. Totally wasn’t looking.

“Implications and statements are different words for a reason.”

“Fine. I-I preferred looking at you.” Her blush grew a little and I gave her a half smile.

“And I would prefer looking at you if I had your permission do it.”

Rarity turned her gaze to me and our eyes met. “Have you not… Looked?”

“I glanced before I realized. You have a lovely figure, Rarity.”

“...So you’re not going to have a proper one?”

“You’re a proper lady, unlike Pinkie and Rainbow. It would be rude without your express permission.”

“Are you sure you’re not secretly a gentlecolt? I’m rather sure calling you back here while in my under garments was rather apparent permission. It would be for most stallions.”

“I’m not a stallion. I’m a man with manners. Please don’t tell me you were coerced into disrobing by those two.”

“N-No, not quite. It was a bit of an influence, but I don’t mind so much if it’s just you.”

“Thank you for trusting me Rarity, but I believe I’ve had an eyeful.”

“You haven’t stopped looking me in the eye since you came in!”

I stepped back a bit and gave her a slow once over, taking in every inch of her form with a fake grin plastered on my face. I felt no real enjoyment from it, even though I most certainly did appreciate the lovely view. Once I had passed over her breasts, I looked back into her eyes and found a bit of lust there.

“I’ve looked now, and my statement from earlier still stands. You’re a beautiful woman, Rarity.”

“Thank you, Max.” She shyly covered her breasts and looked at me out of the corner of her eye.

“Don’t tell me you want a naked hug too?” I asked jokingly.

Rarity didn’t answer me, but she did giggle nervously.

“...Is that a yes?” I asked

“Well I certainly wouldn’t object.”

“My lover would. Pinkie Pie is one thing, but you would be another matter entirely.” I sighed.

“Why is that?”

“I don’t find Pinkie Pie attractive in any sense of the word. She is cute, don’t get me wrong, but she’s too childlike for me to want anything of the sort from her. You, on the other hand,” I gestured to her voluptuous form, ”are quite the woman. I wouldn’t want to risk my relationship now.”

“... Are you saying you don’t find me desirable?”

“I’m saying that if I gave you a hug with no clothes on, I would need to contact my lover to let her know ahead of time because I find you desirable. I most certainly do not object to the idea.”

Rarity chewed her lip. “I go into estrus tomorrow. Perhaps you could say hello to your lover?”

“I will. I’ll let you know if she gives me the okay.” I had forgotten to ask her about Applejack to, so I needed to write Celestia anyway. And I needed to talk to her about that note I had sent her, though I really didn't want to.

“Please do.” Rarity turned around and I looked at her plump posterior.

“Before we do anything, can I ask what it would mean to you?”

“Well, it’s not uncommon for ponies in gender skewed towns to share. I wouldn’t try to claim you for my own if that’s what you’re asking.

“I was asking if you wanted to carry on something with a bit of romance or just a 'friends with benefits' kind of deal.”

“Well, I do find relationships to be rather troublesome with my current career, so the 'friends with benefits' suits me quite well. Could I ask that we have a few conditions?”

“No feelings, no non-consensual sex?”

“Well, yes, basically. Have you had this conversation before?”

“With Applejack yesterday, actually.”

“Maybe those rumors are right,” She teased, “You do seem to get around.”

“Only amongst our friends, I believe.”

“Oh, Max, there’s one more thing I wanted to ask of you.”

“Yes Rarity?”

“Could we add another clause to our agreement?”

“Depends on the clause. What is it?”

“Well, as you know, I don’t really have a stallion to enjoy the smaller things with.”

“So you want a boyfriend without the obligation. I have no issue with that, but it may breed feelings that we don’t want.”

“You underestimate a mare’s power to do without love in a relationship.” She sniffed.

“That would have a lot more impact if you weren’t half naked, love.”

“Hush! Why do you keep switching between ‘love’ and ‘poppet’?”

“Which do you prefer?”

“I like ‘love’, but I would prefer something unique.”

“How about ‘bonny’? It means beautiful.”

“...I like it!” She beamed at me.

“Then I’ll see you tomorrow, bonny.” I couldn’t just leave without giving her something for such a treat.

I took her arm in my hand gently and she whirled around, leaning forward as if she had anticipated my next move, I was rather certain that she did from the way she passionately kissed me back, slipping me a little tongue before we broke the kiss.

“I-I’m sorry, darling. Was the tongue too much?”

“It most definitely was not. I’ll see you tomorrow Rarity.” I turned and walked out of the establishment wondering what the bloody fuck I had just gotten myself into.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Celestia paid me a visit that night after I had sent her the missive about the relationships that I was going to start with Rarity and Applejack. She hadn’t said anything about it while we were making small talk over some tea that I had made from supplies she had brought. Mostly we caught up on the day to day happenings which was basically me talking about the wild week I’d been having in Ponyville and her complaining about the tedium of Day Court. Apparently she had a job for me, but wouldn’t tell me what it was until later.

“You know that prank you pulled with those brownies was evil, right?”

“It may have been, but I’m sure it was fun for you.”

“I have never been so intoxicated in my entire life! They were good, don’t get me wrong, but what the hay did you put in them?

“Just a little something that reminded me of home. If it makes you feel any better, I tested the effects on myself and Twilight first.”

"That doesn’t make me feel any better. In fact, it makes me worry about leaving my student anywhere near you.”

“You should be more worried about leaving me with her. You two might end up being pseudo sisters if she keeps hitting on me.”

“That’s not very funny.”

“It was worth a shot.” I shrugged and sipped the tasty tea.

“So, Max. What made you consider a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship with Applejack? I know you forgave her, but it makes absolutely no sense.”

“We wiped the slate clean. We’re starting over like nothing ever happened unless someone else brings it up, but even then we try to distance ourselves from that event. Considering that I’m trying to be a more honest person, it wouldn’t hurt to be closer to her.”

“That doesn’t explain the ‘shagging’ as you so eloquently put it.”

“In all seriousness?” I asked rhetorically . “I just like her as a person. She has strong morals, a good sense of justice and a great figure. Hell, besides that event and her hatred of lying, I can’t really find a reason I couldn’t be with her. She’s rather worldwise and quite down to earth, more so than her friends. If I’m right, she backs me up and I don’t doubt that she’ll call me out if I’m wrong.”

“She reminds me a bit of Velvet.” Celestia quietly added.

“Don’t go there.” I retorted just as quietly

“You can only speak to me like that for so long, Maximus.” She warned

“Don’t bring up things you damn well know hurt, then.”

“I suppose that’s fair.” She sighed. “So what about Rarity? I can’t see you with a pony that strives to be one of the aristocrats you hate so much.”

“Neither could I, but then I got to know her. Honestly, I used to despise her, but she’s grown on me. She’s a genuine, friendly person who won’t push me for information I don’t want to share, nor will she bring up topics she knows I don’t want to speak on. To summarize; she’s tactful, patient, kind, and generous. The only things I don’t like about her are her ambitions, her demeanor when it comes to men, and her accent. All minor things."

“What do you mean you don’t like her demeanor?”

“She uses her sex appeal needlessly. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t even know she’s doing it, but with the way our relationship is set up, it’s not my problem.”

“I worry when you say things like that, Max. I know breaking up with Velvet hurt,” I gripped my tea cup, “but you weren’t this cold before, even when you came back from Gryphonia.”

“I lost the person that told me that what I did in Gryphonia was justified. Without her, it’s been taking its toll on me along with her absence in my heart. I already had a piece sectioned out for her with throw pillows and a nice little rug too.”

Celestia reached over from her adjacent seat and placed a hand on my knee. “I’m here for you when you need me, Max. You know that.” She glanced at my forearms and I rotated them to show her that there were no marks.

“I know that. Which is why I told you a lot more than I told the girls. I'm certain that I love you Celestia, but there are some things that I know I need to keep to myself.”

“You said you were going to try to be more open, Max. Now is one of those moments.”

“You really don’t want me to do that, Celestia. Let’s wait until you’re ready to leave for that. Or we can wait until February thirtieth and talk about it then.”

“I don’t know what that is, but if you want to wait to talk about it, we can. Just know that I want to do it before I go and I will not forget.”

“I know you won’t. What else did you want to talk about in the meantime?”

“How have you been since Velvet?”

“Fucking terrible. I went a few days without eating, a few nights without sleeping, and I still feel pretty under the weather. Sex means little to me now, and there’s a weight on my chest that won’t go away. It feels like I’m drowning constantly and all I desire right now is to go to sleep and never wake up, but I know life goes on. I’m aware that this pain will dull with time, but dammit Celestia, does it hurt. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so fast and loose with giving pieces of myself away, but I can’t really say that I care about anything right now.”

Celestia looked heartbroken and I grabbed her hand, pulling her over to my loveseat.

“I still care about you, hun, and there’s nothing that can change that. You still mean a lot to me, and I did mean what I said when I told you that I love you. Right now, you’re the reason I’m still here.”

“Max… I never would have sent you here if I knew that it was going to hurt you like this. I love you too, and knowing that you’re like this because of me…”

“You didn’t know what the future was going to hold, so don’t blame yourself, because I don’t."I I lied. I blamed her a little. "The only thing I cared about in that sentence was that you said ‘I love you too’.” I gave her the ghost of a smile, as genuine as I could get.

“You’re a good stallion, despite everything you’ve been through. I wonder what brought you to my land, but I’m glad it did; we need more ponies like you.” Celestia placed her hand on my thigh and squeezed.

“No you don’t. You need more people with my good qualities, which I’m trying to get more of.”

“You’ve got enough now. You just need to work on some of the worse ones, but that will take some time.” She paused. “Thank you for honoring our agreement about mares, now that I think about it. Though I do find it disturbing that you hugged Pinkie Pie while nude.”

“She wouldn’t get dressed unless I did. If it makes you feel any better, I was soft the entire time.”

“I would hope so. If not, I might have to cut it off.”

“Scary. While we’re in the process of switching topics, what is this job you want me to do?”

“...It’s not a job I want you to do. I really don’t want you to have anything to do with it.”

“So it’s bad. What is it?”

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “You can reject it if you don’t want to do it. Say the word and it’ll be like I never even mentioned it.”

“Celestia.”

“...I want you to assassinate the Gryphon King.”

“Why?” I inquired.

Celestia looked surprised. “He’s been threatening to invade northern Equestria for some time now, and it seems like he’s thinking about it more and more lately. He’s been rejecting all peace offers, and will not comment on the raids that are becoming more frequent. His wife, Queen Elfriede, is far more reasonable, making her opposition to his goals very apparent.”

“So if I take down the King, the Queen takes over?”

“Yes, and Equestria will have a much better chance of gaining Gryphonia as an ally under her rule.”

“Why not have someone else do it? I’m sure Crimson could do it better than I could.”

“The thing is, that one of our nobles has been leaking information regarding our operatives, but we don’t know which one as of yet. If you can get the information from the King before you kill him, then that would go far in keeping Equestria and her people safe.”

“I’m guessing that I’m not on the list?”

“You are not. I personally made sure of that, regardless of whether or not you have our seals on your blade.”

“So right now I’m the only one who can do it?”

“...In a manner of speaking, yes.”

“Then I will. If it helps keep you safe, I’m willing to do just about anything.”

Celestia’s eyes glistened. “You don’t have to do this Max. It’s dangerous and suicidal! What would I do if I sent you to your death!? How could I live with myself after that? I don't want to lose you because of some foalish King that doesn’t understand the might of Equestria!”

“So you would rather have thousands of your people die in a war than your lover? You're willing to risk the lives of many for one?”

Celestia chewed her lip and nodded once. “That’s not how you successfully run a country, hun. I refuse your refusal.”

“Max, I-”

I silenced her with a long, meaningful kiss, holding her close enough to feel her breasts rise and fall as her breathing picked up.

“I will do anything to keep you safe. If that means slaying a king like a Kobold, then I’ll do it.”

Tears fell from her eyes. “I don’t want to risk losing you.”

“And I don’t want to risk losing you. That’s why I want to do it.” I looked into her eyes and something felt wrong. I don’t know what it was, so I brushed it along, sweeping it out of my mind like the tears I gently wiped away from her beautiful face.

“I will survive, Max. I always have, for thousands of years, and one little war will not change that. I assure you that I could blow Gryphonia off the face of this world, but…”

“You can’t interfere with the balance you’ve reached. I know. That’s why you didn’t allow Applejack to turn herself in when she nearly killed me.”

“What.” Celestia was stuck.

“I know you put a freeze on the reasonable orders to have Applejack arrested. I know you protected her when by all means she should be rotting in prison right now.”

“Max, what are you talking about?” Celestia’s anxiety didn’t show in her voice, but it did in her eyes.

“Don’t lie to me, Celestia. It’s very unbecoming. I don’t want revenge or anything for it, but I do want you to know that I see you for what you are.”

“I-I-”

“And yet, for some odd reason, I can’t stop loving you.” I caressed her cheek with the tips of my fingers and gave her a small smile. “You’re corrupt down to your bones, and nothing will ever change that. Your soul is as black as mine, but you’re never going to try and purify it. No, it would undo everything you’ve worked for.”

Celestia’s eyes were wide and full as she swatted my hand away.

“How dare you. How dare you!”

“How dare I speak the truth? Isn’t that what you want from me, Celestia? To be more open and honest?”

“How could you make such accusations! How dare you!!”

Her hair flickered like fire and burned with an icy intensity that her eyes mimicked. It was quite the sight to behold, but I wasn’t scared. I felt odd until I realized something that hit me hard.

“You’ve been playing me haven’t you?”

“Do not speak of what thou doth not know!”

My heart dropped and tears fell down my face in rivulets.

“Celestia?” I asked softly.

The flames that wreathed around her pulchritudinous crown lessened in their intensity and Celestia teleported away, leaving me to evil thoughts and what Celestia’s anger had meant. I was so lost, so unsure, so filled with regret. I never should have said any of that. Now, I had lost the one thing that made life worth living, and it was all my fault for accusing her of something she may not have even done.

I cried myself to sleep that night.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I woke the next morning exhausted. Lupa still hadn’t returned and I was lonelier than ever. I couldn’t purge the thought that Celestia had been toying with my heart all along, using me to do her dirty work while she and Luna sat in Canterlot laughing at my foolishness. I spent hours in the fetal position trying to ward off the deep seated ache that had settled into my breast, but nothing I could do would work. I had trusted her, loved her, given her what I could, tried to be a better man for her, but it all meant nothing. She had never loved me. She had never wanted me in her life, other than to fill the role of some boy toy that she could keep on a leash. It was a long leash, granted, but a leash nonetheless, and it hurt. It hurt so fucking bad. I didn’t want to believe that I had meant nothing to her, but it was all my mind could rest on. I was ready to go. I was ready to do anything to numb the pain.

I stepped into my kitchen and ate the rest of the brownies I had kept. There were only a few left, and they would take too long to do the job, so I went out back and cut off another bud from my tree and walked to the general store in town. The mare at the counter greeted me, but I was in no mood to talk, so I asked if she had any pipes available. Turns out, she had a few nice wooden ones and a box of matches to go with it, though she wasn't happy with my attitude. After paying her double what they were worth and giving her an empty ‘thank you’ I went back home and lit up until I couldn’t move. I spent four hours getting far too high, throwing up, and repeating the process until my entire room was so filled with smoke, I could barely see my hand in front of me.

It didn’t help as much as I’d hoped it would, so I went to the only liquor store in town while so high I could barely walk. I made it inside and grabbed two bottles of somethingclear and a bottle of whiskey. The clerk didn’t want to sell to me so I slapped a hundred bits down on the counter and walked back home, ignoring every pony that greeted me or tried to help me stand when I fell.

After drinking myself to sobriety and back into a drunken stupor, I heard a knock on my door. I stood up, enraged that someone dare disturb my wallowing, and tried my damnedest to rip the door from its hinges to find that Twilight and Applejack were standing outside. I looked and saw that the Sun was setting, which pissed me off just as much as having two mother fuckers interrupt me trying to drink myself to death.

“What.” I snarled.

“Whoa now, sugarcube, we ain’t here to do nothin’. We just wanna talk to ya.” Applejack placated

Twilight looked scared. “Max, are you okay?”

“What the fuck does it look like. Fuck off.” I slammed the door in their faces and picked up the bottle I had nearly drained, finishing what was left.

I got the other one opened when they knocked again. I couldn’t stop myself from shaking with rage, even though I knew it was misplaced. I wanted to be left alone, and I didn’t want to hurt anyone, so I had isolated myself. I could barely think straight in my knackered state and upturned the bottle, reveling in the burn. That was the scene Applejack and Twilight walked in on.

“Max!” Applejack rushed over and tried to wrest the bottle from me. I threw a clumsy punch that still landed on her jaw, though she barely flinched. She got the bottle after I threw a few more punches until I realized I couldn’t form a fist anymore; I had broken at least three fingers without even realizing it from poorly placed blows.

“Max, please!” Twilight cried.

“What the hay has gotten into you, Max!? Just a couple days ago you were fine and dandy, now you’ve been stumblin’ round town snappin’ at everypony within arms reach! What’s goin’ on”

“Go fuck yourself and leave me the Hell alone!” I slurred. “I never asked you to come here, so fuck off!”

Twilight grabbed me with her magic before I could tackle Applejack and floated me over to the couch, forcing me to sit so she could inspect my hand. After a flash of magic, my fingers were set and healed for the most part, though itchy

“How? How did you end up like this?” Tears fell from Twilight’s eyes and I raged on.

“Ask you fucking teacher! She’s been using me like a fucking tool the entire time Twilight! She never even cared! She never loved me.” I bore my teeth at her and willed my body to move, but magic trumped my meager strength.

“Wait, what?” Applejack asked, rubbing her jaw.

“I don’t know, let me see if I can cast a sobriety spell.”

“Don’t you fuckin’ dare, Twilight. I swear to God I'll kill you if you make me go back to what that fucking cunt is putting me through.”

She was taken aback and moved away from me as Applejack stormed forward.

“You take that back, now! I don’t care what you’re goin’ through, you don’t say somethin’ like that to a friend!”

“Fucking kill yourself.” I spat.

Applejack grabbed my face and leaned down. “Take. It. Back.”

I rewarded her efforts by spitting in her face. “Finish what you started, you fucking twat. Kill me now.” I hissed.

Her eyes lit up with rage and she cocked back, but the punch I wanted so desperately never came. Instead, she lowered her fist and showed me mercy that I never wanted.

“Do it you fucking coward! Nut up and hit me!”

“Applejack,” Twilight put a magic muzzle on me, “I think we need to watch over him until he sobers up. I know he didn't mean any of that.”

“I know, sugarcube, I know.” She wiped my saliva from her face. “I don’t know what happened to him, but this ain’t Max. This ain’t him.”

“Then all we can do is wait until he calms down.” Twilight and Applejack were both shaking hard. Applejack from rage, and Twilight from fear, but both were shivering like leaves.

They grabbed blankets from the closet I had stored them in and placed one on me, taking two others for themselves as they sat and talked quietly. I threw up a few times, but Twilight cleaned me with her magic when that happened, and so was the long process of sobering up. Every hour brought a new wave of pain that rocked me like no other. Just when I thought it could get no worse, life stabbed the other testicle and all I could do was sit there and take it, unable to cry or scream.

It was torture. Pure, concentrated torture.

Night had fallen for some time when Rarity came knocking. Applejack got up to answer the door and explained the situation to her and she joined their vigil with me glaring hatefully at each of them. They sat for hours talking amongst themselves, theorizing what had made me go off the deep end, and asking me every hour on the hour if I was ready to talk. Each time I just glared and whoever asked returned to their seat and they continued talking.

I was finally sober enough to speak around five in the morning, during Rarity’s turn on watch. Applejack and Twilight were resting on the floor and I was hurting badly, wanting nothing more than to smoke myself into another coma. When Rarity asked me if I was ready to talk, I nodded and she dispelled Twilight’s gag.

“Leave.” I whispered hoarsely. She replaced the gag and sat back down, worry etched deep into her pretty face.

Around eight, Fluttershy came knocking with Lupa in tow. When the wolf saw me on the couch, she immediately leaped next to me and licked my face which only earned her my scorn. She whimpered and laid her head on my lap, sticking by me, no matter how much I was lashing out. Rarity talked to Fluttershy for a moment and I had yet another visitor to watch over me. I should have been touched that my friends would go so far as to abandon their daily lives to make sure I was okay, even after threatening and insulting two of them. There was nothing more I wanted than to reach out to them and weep my sorrows until I fell into the bliss of unconsciousness, but at the same time, I didn’t trust myself to be near them without hurting someone, so when they asked if I was ready to talk, I shook my weary head and remained gagged.

Noon rolled around and I finally agreed to talk.

“Close the curtains.” The bright light had been bothering my aching head for some time.

Twilight did so with magic. “Are you really ready to talk, Max?”

“No, but I want you to leave me alone.” I whispered.

“That ain’t happenin’ while you’re like this. What happened? Why are you lashin’ out like somepony just killed Lupa?”

“Celestia has been using me this entire time. When Luna sent me to Gryphonia, Celestia objected, but she never meant it. When I told her I had blood on my hands, she already knew.”

“What do you mean by that?” Rarity inquired softly.

“I killed four people in Gryphonia.” The girls gasped collectively.

“I’m sure they back you into a corner, Max. You ain’t the type to go lookin’ for a fight.” Applejack said with certainty

“I’m not and I was. I could’ve found a different way to handle it, but none of that matters now.” I closed my eyes.

“That has to be weighing on your conscience. Maybe that’s making you paranoid, making you think Celestia doesn’t love you.” Twilight suggested.

I barked out a dry, cruel laugh. “She doesn’t give a damn about me. She never did. I called her out on what happened with Applejack, told her I knew that she had protected her after our fight. She got angry and said ‘How dare you’ like I didn’t already know. She’s corrupt and her soul is as dark as mine, but she won’t admit it.” I spat.

“M-Maybe she got angry because you accused her?”

“Who else has the authority to stop someone from turning themselves in?”

“A lot of ponies, actually. It’s down to the officer-” Twilight began

“No, that’s not what happened, Twi. I tried to turn myself in and they told me they were on orders from higher up not to let me.” Applejack explained.

Twilight’s face fell. “It can’t be true! That’s not Celestia!”

I scoffed. “Even if it isn’t, she’s not the person you think she is, Twilight. I already told you that.”

“So you think Celestia doesn’t love you because she got mad when you accused her of doing something?” Rarity asked.

“No, I think Celestia doesn’t love me because she was furious when I accused her. She teleported away after I asked her if she had been playing me.”

The girls looked between themselves, but none of them had any answers.

Applejack was the first to speak up. “Maybe you’re just overthinkin’ it? You might be goin’ to the worst case scenario for no reason.” she placed a hand on my knee and knelt before me.

“I wish I was. It makes too much sense. Can you let me lay down? It’s been a long day.”

“Yes, I’m sorry, I didn’t think of how badly you must be aching from sitting like that so long.” Twilight released her magic and Lupa hopped onto the floor next too Applejack. I stiffly laid myself on the couch.

“I’m sorry for everything, Twilight, Applejack. Neither of you deserved that.”

“Deserved what?” Rarity asked

“It’s nothing, Rares. Just let it go, it’s not important.” Applejack assured her.

“...Do you want somepony to stay with you? I know you must be hurting right now.” Twilight asked kindly.

“...Yeah. Lupa, go to the shed and get rid of that thing. Someone get the alcohol.” I sat up and heard a lot of pops and cracks, each one hurting, then giving me a bit more mobility. I started pulling my knives from their sheaths and placed them all on my coffee table. “Keep those away from me right now. I don’t need them.”

Rarity picked them up in a heap with her magic. “I’ll keep them for now. You know where to find them if you do need them, though I can’t imagine why you ever would.”

“Thank you.” I laid back down and closed my eyes.

“I’ll stay here. Can one of ya go tell Big Mac what’s goin’ on? Leave out the details, just tell him Max needs a friend at the moment.” Applejack asked.

“I’ll do it.” Fluttershy offered. “Big Macintosh usually listens to me.”

“Good idea. Hey Max?” She asked softly.

“Yes, Applejack?”

“You need anything? Wanna go lay down in your bed?”

“Yeah to both. I’m gonna go get water.” I slouched over to my sink and drank as much as I could stomach before going to the restroom. I splashed some water on my face and barely recognized the man in the mirror. He was too haggard and elderly to be me. I walked out and found Applejack just outside, listening in on what I had been doing. I appreciated the concern and tried to give her a reassuring smile, but all my lips could do was twitch vaguely. She evidently understood what I was trying to do and gave me one in turn before giving me a hug that I returned after a moment.

“I’m sorry, Applejack.”

“I know, Max. It’s okay. We know you were just speakin’ from pain.”

“I was way out of line. Never had friends like you girls before. Thank you.” The dam that had been holding back the flood burst and the tears I had thought were gone came back with a vengeance.” Thank you so much.” I said through my sobs.

Applejack stood and held me while I cried, which only reminded me of the way Velvet had done. I cried harder, breaking down completely in her arms. It was something that so many people take for granted, the touch of a friend. It was something that I had scorned in Velvet, and swore to myself that I would never do to my friends, no matter what. I don’t know how long I cried or how Applejack managed to bear it, but when I stopped, I was so worn out I didn’t want to move. She escorted me back to my room and laid me down, taking up a spot right next to me before Lupa joined in on my other side. My heart eased slightly as I drifted off into the sweet nothingness that was sleep.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I woke up to the sound something frying in my kitchen. Lupa was now laying in front of me where Applejack had been with her head nuzzled into my chest. She looked up at me when I stirred and I stroked her fur, thankful that I had her. I got up and picked out some clothes, putting them in the bathroom for a shower later. I didn’t feel like doing it, but I knew I had to maintain personal hygiene if I wanted too keep my friends and my pupper around, so I set myself to the task, regardless of how I felt about it. I peeked in the kitchen and saw Applejack at the stove whipping something up. I glanced outside and at my clock, seeing that it was morning the next day. I had already blown two days in a self destructive spiral, but I was more surprised that it hadn’t lasted longer.

I hopped in the shower and took my time, trying to wash away the griminess that I felt deep inside, failing miserably. Focusing on the fact that I had friends who were willing to put up with me at my worst and a beautiful mare in the kitchen who was hopefully making something that Lupa could eat. I wasn’t hungry, but like the shower, I knew I needed it. After applying some cologne and shaving down the beard I had begun too grown, I exited and found Applejack, yet again, leaning against the door. She smiled when she saw me.

“You smell awful nice. You got a date or somethin’?” She joked.

“Maybe. Depends on what you cooked.” I gave her a little grin that seemed too ease her worries.

“Well, I hope ya like apple fritters, because that’s what it is.”

“If you made them, they must be heavenly. Did you make anything for Lupa?”

“I didn’t. Fluttershy dropped off some food for her while you were asleep, but she hasn’t left your side since you laid down.” The wolf in question took that as her cue too nudge my lower back. I jumped and spun around, patting her head.

“Then let’s get down to breakfast.”

I’m sure my food was good, but it tasted like ash in my mouth, though I didn’t say that to Applejack. I was thankful that she had made it for me, so eating all of it was non negotiable, no matter how little I felt like eating. I noticed that she picked and pecked at her food, too busy looking at me to eat her own.

“Not hungry?” I asked casually.

“Just worried about ya.” She gave me a little smile and took a bite of her fritter.

“Thank you. I don’t mean to worry you, but I know you’ll do it anyway.”

“True. What do you want to do today? To get your mind off of it?”

I thought for a moment. “...Would you care for some cuddling?”

Applejack broke out in laughter and I joined her once I realized how ridiculous the suggestion had sounded. It lifted my spirits a bit and I needed that, even if I was laughing at my own oversight.

“I’m sorry, sugarcube, I don’t mean to laugh, but that’s the last thing I thought you’d wanna do.”

“Well, if you’re not up too the task, I’m sure I could persuade someone else.” I sniffed haughtily, not managing too keep a straight face.

“No, no. I want to, trust me. I just wasn’t expectin’ it.” Applejack started scarfing down her food in the most attractive way and only stopped when she looked up and saw the amused smile I had plastered on my face.

“What you smilin’ about?” She asked with her mouth full.

“Nothing. Nothing at all.” I chuckled. It sounded a little empty to me, but at least I laughed.

Applejack swallowed and daintily patted at the crumbs around her mouth with a blush on her face. Once she finished, we took ourselves outside and sat on my porch swing, rocking gently with the breeze. She held my hand and drew a little circle on it over and over again as Lupa sunbathed nearby. The morning was a bit chilly, but this time Applejack was clad in the warm flannel and jeans she had worn the night she came over.

“Hey, have you had a chance to shower since I’ve been out cold?” I asked.

She blushed and let my hand go. “Well, I didn’t want to leave you alone since I didn’t know when you were gonna wake up.”

“Why don’t we swing by your places and grab some clothes? Or you could drop me off with Twilight and take your time.”

“I guess I could leave ya with Twi for a bit. Not that I don’t trust ya to watch yourself, I-”

“Look, AJ, I don’t trust me too watch myself right now. I’ll be fine at Twilight’s for a little bit. When you come back, we can continue cuddling and you can draw whatever you want on my hand.”

“Fine. I guess I can’t win with you.”

“You’ll usually win with me. I owe you a lot, Applejack.”

“I’m just payin’ back the kindness you showed me, Max. That and tryin’ to be the best friend that I can be.”

“You’re being a better friend than I was.” I stood and offered a hand to her.

She took it and with that, we were on our way to Ponyville. We walked side by side with Lupa on my right and Applejack on my left. I greeted the ponies that were out and about like I usually did, feeling that I needed to be extra nice since I had been such a prick two days ago. The ponies were quick to forgive, and I was grateful for that, even if I knew there were going to be whispers about me for the days to come. I didn’t worry about it very much. It just wasn’t worth the effort. We got to Twilight’s after taking our time on our walk. I didn’t really want Applejack to go and neither did she, but I was going to be fine under Twilight’s care and Lupa’s watchful eye.

Spike was up and cooking when I walked in with Twilight herself sitting at the table half dressed and bleary, though she perked up when I walked in. She looked down at her attire and rushed off to change while Spike and I just shared a look.

“What’s up, mate?” I asked before filling my usual spot at the table.

“Not much. Twilight was gone for a while yesterday and the night before, but she didn’t say where she went. Fluttershy and Rarity must’ve gone too the same place, because I couldn’t find them either!”

“They were all at my place taking care of me, with Applejack. Apparently they heard that I was being a right prick around town and came to check on me.”

“Huh. What does 'prick' mean?”

“Jerk, or something like it. It’s not really a word you should be using at your age, though.”

“Then why'd you say it?”

“Because that’s what I was being at the time. It was an accurate word.”

“So why can’t I use it?”

“Because it’s improper for a guy your age, little man. Just ask Twilight if you don’t believe me.”

He shrugged. “I believe you. So what brings you over?”

“Twilight’s supposed to be watching me for the time being. I’m not really in a state where I can be left alone.”

“Dude, what happened?”

“It’s a long story that ends with me going off the deep end.” Lupa barked her agreement.

Spike jumped hard. “Holy moly! I didn’t even see her!”

Lupa put her head on the table since she was tall enough to do that and puffed out a breath. “I don’t see how. She’s awfully noticeable, being a giant fu-fun. A giant fun wolf.”

“Were you really going to say fun?”

“No, but I’m trying to watch my language.”

Spike and I kept up the idle chatter until Twilight returned, fully dressed in a nice little miniskirt and a sweater vest over a white blouse. We had been talking about Twilight when she walked back in, so the conversation stopped and I continued it, citing Rarity as the impromptu topic.

“Hi, Max. How are you feeling this morning?” Twilight asked with a smile.

“Better. Applejack dropped me off here so she could take care of her morning routine, so hopefully I won’t be in your hair to long.”

“Nonsense! You’re always welcome here, Max. Even if Spike secretly hates you.” She stage whispered.

“Hey! I like Max!”

“Ha! Gaaaay!” Twilight and I laughed while Spike blushed and plated the table for himself, leaving Twilight’s plate on the counter.

“You can get your own breakfast.” He muttered under his breath. I raised and eyebrow at Twilight and she rolled her eyes, using her bullshit magic too float the plate over.

“You know magic isn’t fair at all, right?” I asked.

“It might not be fair, but it is useful.” She said as she used said magic to lift her fork to her mouth. I gave her a flat stare as she chuckled and chewed, taking the utensil in her hand.

We chatted for a bit over breakfast and I stroked Lupa from time to time. She licked her chops, which earned her a few bites of Twilight’s meal, though Spike was rather suspicious of her until she attacked him with her special brand of slobbery affection, distracting him long enough to nosh on the rest of his breakfast. Twilight and I laughed at his crestfallen expression. I offered to buy him a cupcake or something some time, and he looked much happier after than. Twilight seemed much less so, preferring to keep her assistant on a near sugar free diet. With a little cajoling from Spike and I, we got her to acquiesce.

Applejack showed up shortly after breakfast to collect me and I bid my goodbyes to Twilight and Spike, happy that she had returned. We walked back to my house and I took in her apparel: She had opted for a dark denim miniskirt and a matching long-sleeved button up that she had pushed the sleeves up on. She was taking my suggestion to show off a bit more, if her outfit was anything to go by.

“You look rather nice today. Did you wear the skirt just for me?”

“I might’ve.” She smiled. “Maybe I just felt like it.”

“Either way, I like it. Very southern chic.”

“Well thank ya. I’d compliment ya on what you’re wearin’, but it’s a bit late now.”

“Never too late for a compliment, love. Though you are right in this case; it would come off as disingenuous now.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. How was your visit with Twi?”

“It was nice. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you came back, but I never spend enough time with Twilight or Spike. Not like I should do, at least, seeing as how they took me into their home when I first got here.”

“Well, as far as I know you’ve been a busy little bee, Max. Don’t stay still for too long.”

“I tend not to.” I was tempted to take her hand, but I reminded myself that she was supposed to be my friend, though I felt like I wanted more. I chalked it up to dependency issues and held steady, not wanting to alienate her.

We walked and chatted a bit more, Applejack telling stories that I hadn’t heard before, and I talked about some of my crazier exploits in my past life, like the time I had been caught by a gang of old ladies. That story was a little on the strange side and isn’t worth writing down now, but maybe I’ll tell it later. Lupa got stung by a bee, which was pretty funny, but nothing else mentionable happened on the trip back.

We took up our positions on the swing and Lupa laid down where she had been before. The sun had started to get a bit warmer and the day was shaping up for a warm one, so we enjoyed it while it lasted. It was a nice morning. After awhile, we took the party inside and Lupa rushed over to the couch, claiming it as her own before Applejack and I could sit down. I tried to move her, but since she was so damn big, I had a hard time doing so. Eventually I gave up and sat in the loveseat, trying to make as much room for Applejack as I could. Instead of sitting beside me, she sat on my lap and put her legs over the side of the loveseat..

“I would ask why you’re sitting on me, but that would sound like I’m complaining.” I said lightly.

“It’d be a little tight if I sat next to ya, and since Lupa stole the couch, this seems a lot more comfortable.” Lupa huffed and rolled over on her back, stretching out on ‘her’ spot.

“That’s right, pup, we’re talking about you.” I chuckled.

Applejack grabbed my arm and laid my hand on her thigh, brushing the dorsal side with her thumb. I took the hint and remembered how she liked to be stroked. Like the dirty girl she was.

“Have I already told ya that I like it when you do that?” She asked playfully.

“I think so, but it never hurts to hear that I’m doing something right.”

“You say that like ya make a lot of mistakes.”

“I do, I just play them off well. It’s hard to tell when you’re as good at it as I am.”

“Well, you gotta be good at it, ‘cause I can’t name that many. I’m pretty good about pointin’ mistakes.”

“You have to be when you run a business, love. It doesn’t take many to make the whole thing fall apart.”

“I guess you’re right on that.” She pretended too think for a moment and pushed my hand a little higher so that I was now brushing up against her skirt.

I lifted a brow and continued. “Why do I get the feeling that you’re trying to send me a message?”

Applejack played dumb. “I dunno what you’re talkin’ about. I just moved your hand a little bit.”

“Riiight.” I stroked slightly further, nudging her skirt. “Is it just preference?”

“Maybe. Just see what you like, and I’ll tell you if I like it too.”

(CTRL+F [-FTS-] Scene is over to skip)

I was feeling a bit frisky, so I switched it up, moving my hand in a tight swirling motion that reached into her inner thigh, but didn’t dip into her skirt.

“How’s that?”

“I like it, but you know you can go higher, right?”

“I don’t know, that seems like it would be a violation of your personal space.” I joked.

“I’m practically sitting you, sugarcube. I don’t think personally space is the issue here.”

“Fair enough.” I pushed her skirt up a few centimeters and kept the same motion, focusing more on her inner thigh now.

Applejack tapped her chin. “Hmmm.That’s a little better.”

I rolled my eyes and pulled her closer, causing her to sit up a bit as I reached for her other thigh, stroking the outside now.

“I think I like the other way better.”

I gave up trying to be subtle and pushed her skirt up, exposing more of her thighs as I went back to the one I had started on. I varied how I caressed her, going straight or circular, alternating every few strokes. Applejack bit her lip as she watched me avoid her privates. I hadn’t looked at her undergarments though they were somewhat visible now, focusing on foreplay. The soft fur of her inner thigh as nearly intangible, feeling more like smooth skin that actual fur. I found that much to my liking, taking my time as each stroke reached there.

“I like that a lot. Please do that more often.” She murmured softly in my ear.

I gently squeezed her thigh by way of response

Lupa looked over to see just what the Hell we were doing and rolled off the couch into the guest room. I guess she didn’t want to be present for what was to come, not that I blamed her. I kept swirling closer and closer to Applejack’s sex, each pass causing her breath to hitch as she anticipated the final stroke that would bring her the contact she so desired. I teased her brutally, keeping my caresses long and slow until I felt the soft fabric of her under garments. I gave Applejack a little smirk and she smile back, biting her thumb. I gently rubbed the semi-moist fabric, maintaining the motion I had set. If I was going to do this, I was going to make sure she got the most of the experience. My circular strokes slowly devolved into rubbing her through her now slightly damp panties, which was rewarded with a pleasant kiss from the orange mare. The kiss was so distracting along with the stress of my rigid member, that I nearly stopped, but I split my focus and kept going.

“You know, we can take this into my room and see if you really do taste like apple pie.”

“What’s the big rush?” Applejack didn’t move, instead holding my hand where it was. “I’m likin’ this.”

“No rush,” I pressed my finger against her soft lips, “I can’t exactly complain about anything right now.”

She ran her hand down my chest as I continued, scooting a bit so she could have easier access to my neck and face, peppering them with little kisses. I slipped finger behind the sodden layer of fabric and felt the warm, slippery folds beneath. Applejack nibbled on me gently as I started touching her directly which was an odd sensation since her teeth were mostly flat. Her little moans and shivers encouraged me to dip further down, teasing her entrance as much as I could with my restricted access, though I paid careful attention the the little nub that was beginning to protrude a little higher. I circled my finger tip around it lazily, rubbing it with the full length of my finger when I stroked between her lips. I looked up at Applejack when she stopped nibbling and kissing my neck, seeing that she was biting her lip and gazing at me lustfully. I kept eye contact and raised my busy finger to my lips and licked it. I lifted my eyebrows and was shocked to find that she didn’t taste like apple pie.

“Caramel apples?” I asked. She looked at me like I was stupid and swung her legs off of me, taking me by the hand and practically dragging me to my bedroom.

“What happened to enjoying the moment?”

“I thought about it and realized how long it’s been since I’ve had decent sex, which was never.”

“That’s a good enough reason for me.” I picked up the pace.

Applejack was about too throw me onto the bed when I pulled her tail, making her fall onto the bed. She rolled over, looking rather confused as I closed the small distance between us. I put a hand on each thigh and trailed upwards until she spread her legs. I saw then that she was wearing dark red cotton panties that were darker in the middle and quickly removed them from her person, tossing them to the side.

“I don’t know what you’re doin’, but I think I like it.” She said huskily.

“Have you never had a guy go down on you before?”

She seemed unfamiliar with the concept. “I don’t think so.”

“Then I’m glad to be your first.” I grinned and knelt between her legs, kissing my way up her thigh and around her sex before I gave her clit a lick. I was certain now that she did not taste like apple pie or caramel apples for that matter; it was definitely apple fritters. I briefly wondered if breakfast had anything to do with that as I teased her lips with my tongue and her honeypot with a finger. Her hand met my mop of hair and gripped it tightly, mushing my face into her vulva. I tapped her thigh twice and she let go,

“You’ve got too let me work my magic, love. You’ll appreciate it soon enough.”

“I really don’t wanna wait for ‘soon enough’. Be happy I ain’t just jumpin’ your bones!”

“I am, but just relax and enjoy the ride. It’ll be worth it, trust me.

She sighed heavily. “Fine, just stop teasin’ me!”

I rolled my eyes and went back to work, swirling my tongue around her clit as I searched for her G-spot. Once I found it, the game was on and I switched, my tongue now licking her wet lips as I rubbed and pinched her clit. She shuddered and moaned, surprising me with a small orgasm early on that only served to galvanize me, increasing my efforts. I worked happily, taking pleasure in each noise she made as I lapped at the sweet nectar she was releasing. All too soon, Applejack took a handful of my and pressed my face against her as she rode through another orgasm.

I was happy to keep going, but she pushed my head away and closed her legs, unbuttoning her shirt clumsy with shaky fingers. I cleaned my hands and wiped her juices off of my chin and helped her, my deft hands making quick work of her little buttons. She shrugged the shirt off and exposed the red plaid brazier that lie beneath before she unzipped her skirt and did away with that as well. I kissed her and grabbed her hands, preventing her from undoing her own bra so that I could have the pleasure. I took my time in removing it and guided our kiss back to my pace when she tried too hurry it.

“Relax, Applejack. We’re not on the clock.” I smirked

“I know, I’m just not used too waiting so long.” She looked at me, pleading with her eyes for me to get on with it, but I kept going on my own time.

Once she was fully naked, she all but tore my clothes off of me, though she thankfully calmed down once she had my member in her hands. She worked it more gently than I thought possible at the moment before she licked the tip, guiding it into her mouth with ease, even relaxing her throat so she could take it all the way down to the base. I moaned my approval and ran my hand through her hair, letting her do as she pleased since I doubted that she could get me off with her mouth.

Then she really started.

Applejack bobbed her head along the first few centimeters along the tip, stroking me with her hand as she looked me in the eyes while doing it. She circled her tongue around the tip, the wide, flat muscle wrapping around my member. She either knew what she was doing, or was guessing very well, but in any case, it was phenomenal. I gently extracted my member from the warm, demanding chasm of her mouth and she pouted.

“I was enjoyin’ that.” She pouted.

“Don’t you want to get to the main event?”

Her pout turned into a sultry smile and she grabbed my arm, pulling me down on top of her. Swiftly, she swapped positions with me and my rod was enveloped between her sodden lips. In lieu of roughly jamming my member into herself as I expected, she undulated her hips, coating my stiff, throbbing member with her honey. I was ready for her to stop teasing me now, but the mischievous smile she bore said that I would have to endure for a little longer than I'd anticipated. I reached down and gently nudged her hood back to expose her clit completely. At the brush of my fingertips against her most sensitive area, Applejack jolted, ceasing her grinding on my shaft as she looked at me in confusion. I grinned up at her and pinched the nub softly, causing her too shudder.

Applejack was done with the pregame show and was ready to begin in earnest, gingerly placing my tip against her wet entrance, easing down the full length of my shaft. Every centimeter was like a completely different ordeal, and with every twitch of her inner muscles, I felt something different. She was tight in a different way than any other woman I had been with. years of labor that would render lesser people broken had made her unique, and that alone pushed my stamina to its limits. I held on for dear life, thinking of mutilated kittens and reciting the multiplication table until I could say it in my sleep. I loved every second. Holding her thighs as she bucked, my eyes saw clearly every minute detail: the bounce of her breasts, the sweat on her brow, the ragged state of her breath. My worries had long faded into nothing and my focus was narrowed into making the woman on top of my enjoy this fleeting moment much as I was.

We had set a perfectly fine pace, but if I knew Applejack, she would want it faster and harder in a way that I could accomplish due to my experience, so when she set her hips and gyrated, I made my move and pulled her down, rising from the outside while keeping us connected. Her eyes wide, I lifted her leg and positioned myself so that I could use my full length, thrusting faster and deeper than she had been able to achieve from being on top. Her mewls of approval fueled me to perform.

I preserved the position until Applejack let out a cried out, naming Celestia as her deity of choice which I found to be in very poor taste. I chose to ignore it and pulled out once her climax subsided, giving myself a bit of much need respite as I monitored her reaction. She was recovering quickly, though she seemed done for the time being until she picked herself up and grabbed my shoulders, pulling me in for an ardent kiss, her chest heaving against mine.

Applejack pulled away, but held my waist. “Most stallions just sit back and enjoy the ride, but you. You sure as hay ain’t no stallion.”

“Thank you, but I hope you’re not done with just that. I still haven’t gotten off yet.”

Her eyes lit up and she beamed. “However ya like it, go for it. I know you won’t disappoint.”

I smirked. “You’ll like this one, then.”

I instructed her too lay face down and perch her well toned arse high in the air and spread her legs, entering her in the oceanic. I started easily, relishing the still slicker folds of her honeypot with every patient stroke. She bucked against my hips, eager to feel the bliss of another climax, so I matched her and brought my hand none too lightly down upon her firm posterior. Applejack yelped cutely and grinned.

With no further impetus needed, I continued my assault on her athletic bottom, careful not to swing too hard lest I actually hurt her, but she seemed eager for more. Applejack’s fingers flurried over her clit, causing her too shudder through yet another small orgasm as I relentlessly gave her my best. I was finally nearing my limit again, and it felt wondrous. Applejack had been moaning in a low voice for some time, seemingly never stopping, but I was about too come too my own climax, hilting deeply into her and releasing my seed deep within her welcoming walls. Her inner muscles squeezed every last drop out of me, and once she had felt me stop, she fell over on her side, bringing me down with her for fear of breaking my most important bone.

“Dear Celestia, you’re gonna wear a mare out if ya keep it up like that.” Applejack weakly wheezed.

I looked up at the clock in my room. We had been going for nearly two and a half hours.

“Time flies when you’re having fun.” I realized then just how out of breath I was and relaxed into the pillowy confines of my bed. “I thought you wanted a guy with stamina?”

“I did and still do, but I’m so sensitive, I think I’d get off again if ya pulled out. It’s been way too long.”

“Maybe we’ll have too make this more of a regular thing, then.”

Applejack chuckled. “We might have too. Never thought I’d enjoy gettin’ spanked.”

“Few people ever do until they try it when they’re not in trouble.” I palmed her positive perfect posterior as my member softened. I finally pulled out and Applejack twitched, moaning one more time.

“I think I need a shower.” Applejack said airily.

“Care to join me? I’m told I’m an expert back washer.”

“Keep your hands where I can see ‘em and I’m in.”

“That’s not fair! How often do you look at your arse?” I teased.

“Not often enough by your standards. That’s the only exception I’m givin’ ya for now.”

I assisted her out of bed and into the shower where I most certainly did not keep my hands to myself, despite Applejacks false protests. I found it odd that I often shared a shower with a woman after sex, but I chalked it up to preferring to be clean rather than smelling of sex and sweat for the rest of the day. I proved my boasts as back washer, however, and we finished up before I could find another way to tease her without dipping below her hips.

(CTRL+F [-FTS-] Scene is Over)

We spent the rest of the afternoon snuggling and teasing each other, though we never went to the extent that we gone to before. I respected Applejack’s wishes and directed my attention to leaving my thoughts behind. An odd conundrum, to direct one’s thoughts away from thinking, but one that Applejack went a long way in helping me accomplish. She stayed until nightfall, bidding me goodbye in favor of Rarity who was taking a couple of days off to watch over me. I suppose I should have felt embarrassed about needing to be supervised by my friends, or that I had been such a knob to them when they were only trying to help, but I barely remember doing most of it and only received the information I used to complete my journals from them at a later date.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Rarity and I bid Applejack a fond farewell and settled in for the night. Her outfit was quite alluring; a black deep V-neck and a matching black knee length skirt with some kind of stockings. I like stockings. I made us some mashed potatoes and salad for dinner since I never kept much in the way of pony food around, and we had a nice meal, though it was on the quiet side. I had opened up the windows in my room and kept the door shut, but I still occasionally caught the warm, musky scent of sex every now and again and by the look on Rarity’s face throughout dinner, she noticed it as well.

“So what have you been up to today, Rarity? “ I asked after I had finished.

“Oh, nothing much. Working ahead on a few orders, finishing up your request. Matters of little consequence too a non-fashion oriented pony such as yourself.”

“Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t care to hear what you’ve been up to. I consider you a good friend, and the least I can do is ask about your work, especially some of the finer details of seamstress...ing?” I swear, she couldn’t take a hint worth a damn. I just wanted to get too know her a bit before I laid her like a proper gentleman, and she was making the task more difficult that it needed to be.

“Max, I’m well aware that you’re not interested in my work.” She stated plainly. “Though I do appreciate your consideration, I wouldn’t bore you with the drab details of my everyday life.”

“You say that like I know what your everyday life is like, bonny. Tell me, how do you start your mornings?”

Rarity looked flattered and began speaking of her favorite subject. “Well, I start my morning by washing off the facial mask I use nightly. A mare needs to look her best, and I find that it gives my face the perfect glow! After that, I begin my morning routine, make breakfast for my sister and I, and from there I start my work day.”

“So what does your morning routine involve? It can’t be as simple as brushing your hair a few times.”

“My heavens, it most certainly is not!” She rambled on about minute tasks that I could never remember, even if I was trying too catalogue my experiences in this new world down to every minute detail. It was that boring.

“Max? Are you listening?” She asked with a scowl.

“I got lost in thought after mascara, I think. Your efforts are truly astounding, Rarity, though I do wonder what you look like without your ‘face’ on. It must be hard, improving upon perfection, that is.” I smoothly complimented.

Her face reddened and she diverted her eyes. “Thank you, but I assure you that flattery will only get you so far with me.”

“How far will it get me exactly? Because if it earns me a seat next to you, I would happily flatter you until you tire of my voice and beg for my silence.” I offered her a cheeky grin.

“I may start begging sooner rather than later if you keep it up. As much as I love an honest compliment, I can’t help but feel that you’ve an ulterior motive.”

“Besides trying to get to know you a bit better and see how you react, there’s nothing else. Believe me, I have no hidden agenda.”

“I thought perhaps you were trying to prove Macintosh correct with his assumptions.” She calmly sipped her drink.

“You say that as if I would sleep with anyone just because they asked. You already know better, Rarity.” I was mildly offended by her words.

“Well, I happen to have the vaguest of notions that you performed certain acts with Applejack earlier today.”

“Your notion is correct. Did I not tell you that Applejack and I had a similar agreement to our own?”

“Don’t you take that tone with me, Max!” Bitch, my voice is dead.

“No tone meant, bonny. I really don’t recall if I told you.”

Rarity had the good grace to look abashed. “Oh.”

“What’s really going on, Rarity? You told me that you were fine with sharing. I’m not exactly going to try and sleep with you right after I’ve spent the day with another woman anyway. I’m just trying to show interest, to let you know that I care.”

“...I suppose I’ve just been a bit curious about what happened between yourself, Applejack and Twilight before I came over.” She found great intrigue in the grain of my kitchen table. “I’m not fond of being left out of the loop, especially when it involves my friends.”

I sighed and looked at her. “If you really want to know, I was blackout drunk, and verbally assaulted Applejack and Twilight when they came over to see why I was being such a prick in town. Then once they came inside, I physically assaulted Applejack, broke a few fingers, and had too be retrained and healed by Twilight. Sometime after that, I threatened Twilight and spat in Applejack’s face. I’m sure you can see why neither of them wanted too tell you.”

“Oh. Oh my.” Rarity looked shocked.

“That’s just what they told me and what little of it I remember. That’s why you girls have been watching over me; To make sure I don’t flip the fuck out again.”

“...You’re taking this awfully well, all things considered.”

“I’ve been keeping my mind off of it by talking as much as possible, listening when I’m not. Trying to focus on the moment and not let myself get overwhelmed.”

“I always have an ear for you, darling, and a shoulder if you need it.” Rarity smiled kindly at me.

I replied with a melancholy one of my own. “There’s only so much talking can do, bonny.”

“I know, but I think you could do with a bit more of it. Not about the topical matters, mind, but about what’s really weighing on your heart. I know you feel that the Princess betrayed your trust and love, but perhaps that isn’t the case.”

“I can only fool myself for so long. I’d rather deal with it now than turn it into a drawn out affair that only aches that much longer.”

Rarity took a deep breath. “I doubt that you want to hear this, but you should talk to her. You can’t avoid it forever.”

“Who said I was avoiding anything? I haven’t talked to Celestia because she hasn’t returned to correct me. That’s why I think I’m right, Rarity. No one gets that mad over a lie.”

We stayed silent for a few minutes, Lupa’s pacing in the living room turning into a metronome of sorts. I was about to speak again when I heard her pacing cease and turn into growling. Deep and feral, I had heard it once or twice before and it was as equally bone chilling as it had been the last time I’d heard it. There were a few soft knocks at my door and the empty hole where my heart had once been contracted until it could fit on the head of a pin, drawing the breath from my lungs. I felt like I was suffocating, helpless. Rarity looked between myself and the door, deciding that I needed a friend more than the door needed answered at the moment. Her words were sounded like she was whispering through cotton, dull and soft. There was no way anyone's timing could be more shitty. Or more perfect, depending on your point of view.

Lupa’s growling turned into thunderous barking, scaring Rarity to the point she hid behind me, distancing herself from the apex predator that seemed to grow even larger. I shook like a leaf as I stood and tried to regain control of my senses, my movements awkward and jerky. Lupa calmed somewhat as I passed her and patted her head numbly, though she followed me to the door with her thick coat swishing against me. I opened the door and the person I wanted to see the least stood there.

The luster in her once glorious mane faded, completely stilled as though the intangible breeze that once blew through it had stopped dead in its tracks. Her fur seemed dingy and dull, rather than the brilliant white I had known, and even her choice in apparel seemed to speak of faltering confidence. We stood and stared, neither of us daring to so much as breathe in the others presence lest our respective toxicities mingle and become a whole new poison.

Lupa howled, but her vocalization of her hatred fell on deaf ears. She and I were in our own world, our own dimension as we took in and digested the appearance of the other, but we couldn’t speak. It felt as if breaking the silence first would make our words worthless to the both the other and ourselves.

“Princess?” Rarity called out from behind me.

We both looked at her with an emptiness that made her back into the kitchen, and out the door to my porch. I turned back to Celestia. We looked into each others eyes and I had to know.

“Are you using me?”

“No.” Her eyes welled with tears and my heart ached I knew that I had caused her pain like that of which she had given too me.

“Did you mean what you said?” She asked, her voice thick with emotion.

“Yes.” The tears that had been in her eyes sprung forth, but before she could get away from me, I embraced her.

“I love you. I love you, and I don’t care, Celestia.” I whispered into her ear. She wrapped her arms around me after a minute of silent sobbing and began again in earnest.

We stood in the threshold as she weeped in my arms like I had with Applejack, and I held her for what felt like hours. I didn’t mind. I had felt the honesty in her words and seen it in her eyes. At the very least, I owed her some comfort. When she finally stopped, she looked up at me.

“How can you love me if you know I’m evil?” She hiccuped

“Because,” I wiped the tears from her face, “I’m evil too. There’s good within people like us, Celestia, we just have to work harder than anyone else to show it. It’s because we’re alike that I can recognize you for who you are. I see you, Sunbutt. Not the facade you put up for your subjects, but the woman behind the mask.”

Celestia broke out into tears again. “Why do you have to be so honest now? Why didn’t you just lie? I would have felt so much better for it.”

“I want to be a better man for you, and honesty is a part of the process. You can’t hide the truth from yourself and ever expect too really be happy.”

She held me tight and I stroked her mane, singing the lullaby I had learned for my brother while he was in his coma. It wasn’t a happy song, but it fit the tumultuous relationship we had.

I brought her inside and took her into the guest room, the only place that hadn’t been soiled by arguments or sex in my home. We sat together for a long time, trying to make sense of what in the bloody fuck we were. I still felt that I was poisonous to the people around me, infecting them with my darkness, while Celestia felt as if she were a fire that burned anyone who wasn’t cautious enough. In essence, we felt the same way about ourselves, and without speaking on it, we both just knew.

“We’re a fucking mess.” I chuckled mirthlessly

“We are. Love is hard.” Celestia sighed.

“It is.”

“...I’m going to miss you when you die.”

“What the fuck?” I whipped my head to Celestia and her eyes widened.

“I meant of old age! I didn’t mean that I was going to kill you or anything!”

“You worry me. You say things like that and I feel my lifespan shrink.” I rubbed my chest.

“Don’t joke about that.” She sighed. “I’m sorry I left before I said anything. I just…”

“I shouldn’t have said that. I was out of line, I was just…”

We both sighed.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you.” Celestia apologized.

“I’m sorry I accused you of something you didn’t do.”

“Are we okay, Max?”

“No, we’re both fucked up individuals, but we’re fucked up individuals that love each other, so of course we clash every now and then.”

“Right. I really want to make this work.”

“So do I.”

We glanced at each other awkwardly. I reached for her hand, and she allowed me too hold it.

“I’ll think twice about what I say from now on. I didn’t mean to take jabs at you, but you know that protecting Applejack was warped.”

“This from the guy who agreed to buck her after she nearly killed him?”

“She’s good in bed, what can I say?”

“So it’s her that I’m smelling. How was she?”

“Rather good, actually. She tends to mess up the pacing and rush things or draw them out longer than needed, but she was fun.”

“Huh.” Celestia squeezed my hand a few times. “Is she better than me?”

“No. You’re still number one.”

“That’s why you really want me, isn’t it?” She pretended to be offended. “You just want me for my body!”

“What can I say, it’s the best body I’ve ever laid eyes on. Not too slim, not too plump, not too soft, not too toned. You’re just right.”

“Thank you, every mare loves to be complimented on her body and her body alone.” Celestia rolled her eyes.

“Hey now, you just haven’t given me the chance to say anything about your fun personality!”

“Just fun?”

“Well, I could say that you’re impish, sly, artful, and compassionate, but I don’t know if I could fit all of that into a few succinct words.”

“You could always try instead of being lazy.”

“You could always do it yourself, to. I swear, having all those servants waiting on you hand and foot has turned you into quite the sloth.”

She huffed. “Better a sloth than a monkey! At least sloths are cute!”

“Monkies are cute too, they just don’t grow algae from never moving!”

“Sloths do move! They just do so when they feel the need to rather than bandying about for no reason.”

“Unless that reason is for cake, I don’t see you move too often.” I poked her side and she scowled at me playfully.

“And unless it’s for sex, I don’t see you doing much either!”

“I take walks!”

“Trolling for a piece, perhaps.”

Celestia and I went back and forth for a while longer, patching up the holes we’d made in our hearts piece by piece with more jokes and jibes. We really needed to stop giving ourselves reasons to do that, but it was just the process we seemed to go through. It wasn’t a healthy relationship by far, seeing as how we could only speak half of our minds to each other, but I wasn’t with Celestia because I expected things to sunshine and daisies all the time.

“So where do you think Rarity went?” I asked.

“I believe she’s right there.” Celestia pointed at the window behind me and I turned around, catching the other white mare off guard. She meekly waved and I gestured for her too come in.

“You know, I have some pretty good friends, even if they are nosier than an anteater.”

“That’s the way most mares are. You struck gold in that respect when it comes to me.” Celesta primped her hair, a little of its luster returning.

“Right.” I gave her a droll stare. “Before Rarity comes in, have you managed to find someone else for that Gryphonia job?”

“Yes.” She said.

“You answered that far too quickly. I’ll talk to Luna on the details if you don’t want to be involved.”

“That is most definitely not a good idea. She’s very upset with you, which is why I came over. She told me to either suck it up and talk to you, or she was just going to deal with you herself.”

“Oh. Angry sister. Right. Well, if you can convince her to not kill me, I’ll get the job done asap. Nothing like a quick trip to a land that hates me, right?”

“I don’t believe anyone in the Gryphon lands hate you, but I forbid you to do this task.” Celestia looked resolute. “I have struck an agreement with Luna, and she will infiltrate Gryphonia. She is far more capable of the task than any of our Operatives.”

“If she could have done it in the first place, why did you even ask me? And what changed your mind about me doing it?” I ignored the fact that she said ‘anyone’ instead of ‘anypony’, though I did find it odd.

“It was Luna’s suggestion that you do so, and we both thought it improper for a Princess of a peaceful country to assassinate a king from a neighboring country. I may have given her an ultimatum regarding to whom would complete the mission.”

There were two soft knocks at the door and I turned to Celestia.

“If I need to, I’ll talk to Luna myself. It would hurt you more to lose a sister than me, and I refuse to put you through that kind of pain.”

I stood and opened the door with Celestia following me. Rarity smiled sheepishly and ran a hand through her perfectly coiffed mane.

“So… Are you two…?” She asked tentatively.

I looked back at Celestia who was quite unhappy with me. “We’ve been better, but we’re getting through it.”

“We are not. I meant what I said, Max.”

“And so did I.” Celestia glared at me and I shrugged. “It’s safer for you my way.”

She brushed past me muttering dark things in a language I was unfamiliar with and put her hand on my easy chair.

Rarity and I looked at her. “What are you doing?” I asked, wary.

“Say you won’t, or I’m turning your favorite chair into a decoration on the moon. It’s a one of a kind, Max, you won’t find another like it.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“What?” Rarity asked, looking between us.

“I would. I would and I will.”

“I’ll sic Lupa on you. I swear to everything you hold dear.”

Celestia narrowed her eyes. “I’m an Alicorn, Max. I could swat her across town without trying.”

“I would be more upset about that than the chair. A lot more, actually.”

“Then I suggest that you stay put in Ponyville to make sure I don’t do that.”

“Are you seriously threatening my pupper? Because that is not the way to get anywhere with me.”

“And doing something I forbade you to do is no way to get anywhere with me. Why can’t you just respect my wishes? I’ll even forgive you if you just stay put.”

She had me there. “Fine. I won’t go anywhere.”

Lupa cocked her head from the couch and Rarity looked more confused.

“I’m glad we could reach and agreement. I’ll visit again soon.”

“HOLD UP!” I yelled at the top of my lungs

Celestia and Rarity jumped hard at the sudden shout. “What?” Celestia asked.

“Walk out the door, don’t just teleport. That shit bothers me.”

She gave me a long-suffering look. “You’re an idiot.”

I grinned at her. “I’m your idiot. Get used too it, hun.”

She rolled her eyes, but still did as I asked. She left the door open and made sure I was looking at her before she teleported.

“Did you just have an argument with the Princess?” Rarity asked incredulously.

I went over too shut the door. “I did. She’s the lover I had to ask before we entered our agreement. Really charming, isn’t she?”

I heard a thud and Lupa skittered off of the couch. When I turned around, Rarity was on the floor and Lupa licked her face. She only did so once, and promptly open the bathroom door. I’ve never heard a wolf vomit, so that was interesting. I couldn’t just leave poor Rarity where she was, so I dragged unceremoniously to the guest room and somehow managed to get her on the bed. I’d never been one much for powerlifting, so it took a few tries, but I succeeded. The ponies might be around my height and shorter, but dear God are they dense.

I went back into my living room and caught my journals up while Rarity was working on coming to. I was petting Lupa when she came out rubbing her head and her waist.

“Why do I ache so badly? And how did I get into that room?”

“You fainted and I carried you.” I rubbed my nails on my shirt and inspected them.

“That may explain why my head hurts, but why does my waist hurt?”

“Ponies are heavy.” I shrugged.

“Well I never!” I rolled my eyes and walked over to her, jumping into her arms.

She panicked and caught me easily. “Oh. Would you look at that.”

“See what I mean?” I gave her a peck on the cheek and she dropped me on my arse quite rudely.

“Well, ow. You could’ve just put me down.”

“Oh, I’m sorry darling, but you were just so heavy.” She sniffed.

“It’s literally a difference in our physiology, you pudgy twat.” I got up rubbing my coccyx and flipped her the two finger salute.

“I am not pudgy!”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’d say you’re more chubby than pudgy.”

“You take that nonsense back right now, you brute!”

“I would consider it, but the pain in my bum is rather distracting.”

“You’re simply insufferable! How anypony manages to tolerate you is beyond me. To think, I even allowed you to gaze upon my physique!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever you say bonny. If I tell you that you have a slim, lovely figure, will you shut up?”

“I most certainly will not! How is this the stallion that was so charming before?” She asked no one in particular.

“Well, before you so kindly dropped me, I felt like being nice.”

“I will apologize for dropping you if you apologize for calling me fat.” She huffed.

“You dropped me first!”

“You said I was heavy!”

“Your bones are damn near twice as dense as mine, if what Celestia told me was right. To me, you are heavy, but to a pony, I’m sure you’re as light as a feather.”

“That sounds like a paltry excuse.”

I rolled my eyes. “Sorry I’m not as strong as one of you Rainbow-Brite bastards, but that’s just the way I am.”

“...Are you saying I’m stronger than you?”

I really didn’t like the look in her eye. “Yes? And?”

“I don’t believe I’ve met many stallions I could overpower.” A smile grew on her face, and I remembered that she was in estrus for a few more days.

“Try it and I’ll cut you.”

“With what knives, darling?”

Fuck.

“...Let’s talk this out like adults, yeah?”

“I believe you lost that option when you called me chubby.”

Rarity walked towards me slowly and I waited until she was about half a meter away before bolting towards the door. It took me a bit to realize that I was running nowhere fast, a few inches off of the ground.

“Where are you going, Max? I just want too show you some affection.”

“Magic is cheating!”

“It’s not my fault you don’t have it. Blame fate instead of me.” She said sweetly, floating me off towards my room.

I was suddenly very glad that I had washed my linens so that I wouldn’t be laying in a wet spot from earlier, but I couldn’t help worrying that Rarity was going to do something to me that I didn’t want. I didn’t take her for a rapist, but estrus was supposed to make mares do things they wouldn’t normally do, and my heart pounded. I held hope that she was just going to toy with me for a bit, let me go, and we could have a laugh about it later.

Rarity gently placed me on my bed and hopped on top of me, releasing her magic when she had my arms above my head.

“Please tell me you’re not going to hurt me.” I asked, shaking slightly

“Just your pride, darling.” She grinned devilishly and started peppering kisses all over my face, leaving a bit of her lipstick where her lips made contact.

I scrunched up my face and tried to free myself, unable to do much since she was sitting on my hips. Then the real torture started. She gave my face a long, slow lick that was even weirder because of her wide tongue. I gave her a ‘what the fuck’ look and she giggled.

“I’m having so much fun!”

“I’m really not. Can you stop now?”

“I could stop at any time.” She did not stop, but she did take both of my wrists in one hand and start tickling me.

It was awful, but not as bad as I had been expecting. My worries were abated until she grabbed me. I felt the blood rush to my face and her smile widened.

“I am not okay with this.”

“Oh relax, I wouldn’t go any further without your consent.”

She didn’t remove her hand.

“...I’m not consenting.”

Rarity rolled her eyes and gave me a peck on the lips, letting my hands go as she moved back a little to sit on my thighs. I sat up and wrapped my arms around her waist, and she put her own on my shoulders. She gave me another, longer kiss.

“I’m sorry I called you pudgy.”

“I’m sorry I dropped you. I must say, you’re quite fun when I’m in control.”

“That was terrifying Rarity. I don’t like being powerless; I thought you were going to rape me for a bit.”

Her eyes widened. “I would never do such a thing!”

“Fear isn’t rational, bonny. I just hate being subject to someone else’s will.”

Rarity looked abashed. “I didn’t know.”

I gave her a kiss. “It’s okay. Just remember that I’m not much of a sub, though I wouldn’t mind if you took control every once in awhile. It’s just something I’ll have to get used to.”

“I wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“You make me uncomfortable in my pants every time I see you.”

Rarity blushed and lightly smacked my shoulder. “Do you ever say anything that isn’t perverse?”

“I do, it’s just more fun my way rather than the proper way. Is this the cuddling that you wanted, or did you have something else in mind? Because I’m rather fond of this.”

“Well, I did have something else in mind, but I’m enjoying myself as well.” She had a pensive look on her face.

“Do you have a question?”

“Well, I was just wondering…”

“Yes?”

“How many mares are you in this sort of relationship with?”

“Just Applejack, Celestia, and yourself. I really don’t want to add anyone else to that list. I’m not sure I could handle it.”

She perked up a bit. “Well, it would be perfectly acceptable for you to do so, if you wanted. Most stallions who engage in these kinds of things often see mares numbering in the double digits.”

“Again, not a stallion. I’d prefer to keep the list small with women I actually like, rather than sleeping around with near strangers.”

“How much do you really know about Applejack and I?”

“I know a good bit about Applejack now since we spent most of the day talking, but you weren’t terribly receptive when I asked about your personal matters.”

“So that was you trying to get to know me?”

“It was. I wouldn’t mind talking to you some more if you don’t mind. You’re an interesting person.”

Rarity preened. “I’m aware of that, though you didn’t seem to think so when I started talking about my morning beautification.”

“I don’t really care much for make up. I’d prefer to see you in your natural state, but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the effort that goes into it.”

“I suppose that’s reasonable, but I’ve not allowed a stallion to see me without it since I was younger than Sweetie Belle.”

“Maybe you could give me the honor of being the first?” I wondered who Sweetie Belle was, but I guessed it was the younger sister she had mentioned earlier.

“I’m not sure about that, Max.” She said nervously.

“I won’t pressure you to do something you don’t want to, but the option’s there.” I smiled crookedly at her.

Rarity replied with a little one of her own. “I just worry about what you might think. I have a certain image I would like too maintain.”

I rolled my eyes and licked her nose, causing her to scrunch up her face in the most adorable way. “If I can’t accept you without some goofy face paint, then you need to find a better man.”

She wiped her face off. “I need to find one who won’t lick me!” I don't plan on doing it again. You taste terrible.

“You did the same to me.”

“Yes, but it was more fun when I was giving rather than receiving!”

“I really hope you don’t feel the same way about dick.”

She hit me again and I laughed. “Simply insufferable!” She said with a smile.

“I keep telling people it’s one of my better qualities.”

“I suppose it just takes some getting used to.”

“See?” I put my hands on her hips. “Just an acquired taste. Like coffee!”

“The problem with that is I actually enjoy coffee.”

I squeezed her sides and she started. “Not funny!” She cried.

“Very funny. I swear, sometimes it’s too easy to mess with you.” I gave her a winsome grin.

She huffed playfully. “I would save it for somepony who can’t overpower you.”

“If I did that, I would never get to mess with Ponies.”

“Is that a bad thing? Perhaps messing with ponies stronger than you isn’t such a good idea?”

“Eh, It’s too fun to pass up.”

Rarity pushed me down and hovered over me. “You say that now, but what if somepony hurts you because of it?”

My hands were free since hers were on my chest. I used my freedom to grope the glorious globes that hung above me, and she jerked backwards.

“I guess I’ll just do that. The only males I’ve pissed off since I’ve been here is Macintosh and a few twats in Canterlot, so it should be fine for most situations.”

“You should warn a mare before you do that! I swear, your manners deteriorate further with every word!”

“This from the woman who molested my gentleman’s sausage not even ten minutes ago?” I sat up.

“...Fair point.”

“How about we take this elsewhere? I’m sure a few open windows and a candle haven’t done much too get the smell out of here.”

“I wasn’t giving it much thought until now. Thank you for that.”

She got off of me and I lead the way back into the living room. Lupa was still occupying her space on the couch, and since Rarity was still rather fearful of her, she chose furthest seat away from her until Lupa padded over and sat her head in her lap. Rarity was petrified. Lupa stayed there for a minute or two, looking up at Rarity, but when it became clear that she wasn’t going too move a muscle until she was clear, Lupa came over too me in my easy chair and I gave her the affection she was looking for. Rarity stayed silent and I ended up talking to Lupa for the next thirty minutes or so. She eventually let herself out of the house and Rarity eased up, walking around to calm her hammering heart. I stole her seat while she was doing so, and when she returned, she just gave me a womanly look before sitting on me horizontally like Applejack had done earlier.

I grinned evilly before I pulled the lever, nearly tilting the recliner back onto the floor, but with Rarity had panicked and sat up straight, balancing us. After that little surprise, she lay her head on my shoulder and pinched me, though I wasn’t complaining; I had a lovely woman resting on me without a care in the world. The biggest challenge I had to face now keeping my hands away from her enticing bottom, which proved too difficult to do. She pinched me when I did it, but it was worth the momentary ache.

All in all, it was a pleasant way to spend the evening, though I spent much of it wrapped up in my own mind. I pondered the situation I found myself in with Celestia and found that the more I inspected the night’s events, the more I wanted too see her again. Being apart from her took a small toll on me, and I felt that if we could spend more time together and actually get deep into knowing each other, that we would be much happier for it. Compared to the time I had spent with Applejack and the time I was going to spend with Rarity in the next couple of days, Celestia and I had spent nowhere near that amount of quality time. I would have to bring that up the next time she visited.

Pushing those bothersome reflections aside to be dealt with another time, I directed my attention to the woman that was snoozing peacefully on my chest.

Chapter Seventeen: Viewer Discretion is Advised
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Seventeen: Viewer Discretion is Advised

Chapter Seventeen: Viewer Discretion is Advised

I awoke with Rarity snuggled up on my chest for warmth in my oddly chilly house. I hadn’t noticed much before, but it always seemed to be just slightly warmer than it was outside, but I attributed that to pony magic being retarded and them not coming up with a proper thermostat. In any case, no matter how bullshit my climate control was, I still had the ever beautiful Rarity to look at for a while and keep me cozy for however long she slept. I wondered if I could convince her to begin her morning routine with a shower including yours truly, but for now, she would be my cuddle buddy and by no means was I upset with that.

I played with her mane, tickled her nose, scratched behind her ear and tickled her side in turns, careful not to wake her up before she had her ‘beauty sleep’. She had told me about her usual facial mask last night, but had left it off in favor of napping with me. I’m sure she had it in the oversize suitcase that she brought along with her for all of two goddamn nights. I had woken up before sunrise, and the clock in my living room told me it was quickly approaching six thirty, making me think about her little sister. I felt terrible about stealing her big sister away from her, especially if Rarity was her primary caregiver like I thought. I didn’t feel like I needed to be supervised any longer and resolved to tell Rarity that she should be with her sister rather than me.

As an only child, I had always hoped to have a sibling of some sort one day, and had found a brother in Max. Of course, even if he was still among the living, there was no way I would ever see him again, unless I somehow got booted out of this magical world. Unease settled in my heart and I felt torn for no real reason. If Max was still alive, would I leave my life in Equestria for him? I had seen a good bit of heartbreak since I had been here, but I was happier than I had ever been in England, though I did find myself looking for reasons to explode early on. I was doing the waffle, my heart wavering between whether or not I would stay or go. The more I pondered it, the more ludicrous returning seemed. Yes, I had an unspoken oath of everlasting loyalty to Max, but even as I loved him, I loved Celestia and the fact that I actually had friends besides the one I’d had in him were all too attractive a prospect. If I could, I’d bring him here and show him a new life, a new way of living rather than the squalor and constant prowling for our next meal, looking for that next succulent hit of adrenaline from doing a job well. My retrospection made me consider just how fucked up I had been when I got here, regardless of how I treated the ponies that didn’t give me the slightest reason to snap at them. Hell, when I looked back upon myself now, I thought of how comparatively calm I had become, despite my increased libido. I had some new morals that I could abide by, and new friends to help me stick with them. Some of those friends were even a bit more.

How odd is it that I’ve had sexual contact with four of my six Ponyville friends?

I was pretty sure that Rainbow was bisexual leaning hard into the lesbian side while Pinkie… No.No. If I was a pedophile or a lolicon, maybe, but stroke either of those, she was never going to make it on my list, and nor was the rather similarly built Rainbow Dash going to. If they weren’t a good twenty centimeters shorter than me and built like tweenagers, I would still say no. I’m the only arrogant one I need in my life, and quite frankly I’m too scared of Pinkie to make a move on her in any sense of the word, not taking the nude hug into account, though I didn’t consider that making a move. It was more or less the only bargaining chip I had if I didn’t want her to prance about town in her birthday suit. No, I most definitely did not put her above doing that. You just never know with her. My stomach churned as I pictured Pinkie naked. I really wanted to keep that image out of my mind. I focused instead on picturing Applejack naked and woke Rarity up, though that may have been my fault.

Rarity yawned and stretched outward instead of upward, thankfully, and dear God, was her morning breath fuck mothering rank. I jammed my tongue into the roof of my mouth and tried to stop my body from seizing up as my poor nose tried to process the absolute filth puree that entered it, doing pretty much anything I could think of to avoid gagging. Just because she had chronic halitosis didn’t mean I didn’t like her; it meant that I would be the big spoon forever and she would never face me if we woke up in the same bed. I had the fleeting contemplation of whether or not her dominant side would allow that to be the case often. I shivered.

“Good morning, darling.” Rarity said sweetly, her breath going on a killing spree.

“Morning, bonny. How’d you sleep?” I managed

“Fantastically. I must say, sleeping on you isn’t as cozy as my bed, but it does have its perks.” She shifted, pressing down on my morning wood.

“I’m sure it does. Having you sleep on me is rather nice. I get to wake up to something lovely first thing in the morning.”

She nuzzled my chest and hummed as I relaxed and savored the moment. She had stopped breathing in my face and that was one of the best feelings in the world, other than sappy bullshit I suppose. I stroked her mane since she hadn’t allowed me to do it much last night for fear of messing it up, and marveled at the thick, voluminous texture. The woman knew how to treat her hair, obviously. If I gave a damn about mine, she’d probably be the one I asked. I briefly ran a hand through my own curls and felt that it strangely resembled hers in a way. When I had lived in England, my hair had always been a bit of a thin, shitty mess, but now it was thicker and less oily. I wondered what the hell they put in pony shampoos to do that. Of course I also had a conditioner to go along with it, unlike previously, so perhaps that was the cause.

My follicle related thoughts were interrupted by Rarity crushing my unfortunate fellow as she got up. In spite of her general softness in comparison to Applejack, the orange mare was well aware that she was heavier than I by far while Rarity either forgot or ignored that fact. I decided not to comment on my discomfort, and stood up myself, stretching and popping like an old man. After I’d stolen her seat last night, we hadn’t really moved much so I was plenty sore when I finally got on my feet. I staggered off to the loo, morning wood gone after its trauma.

I picked out my outfit for the day and way about to hop into the lavatory once more when I found Rarity staring into the mirror, pale faced and half naked. It wasn’t that she could get any paler than white, mind you, but she had removed all of her makeup and I saw her in her native state for the first time. Her beauty took my breath away. Without the blush, the natural gradients of her fur shone uniquely, giving her face the effect of being lit up. Minus the mascara and eye shadow that made her eyes look larger, she seemed more human, more approachable. Gone was the lip stain that had given her mouth a rosy tint, replaced by naturally full, kissable lips.

Rarity’s head whipped in my direction and my words failed me. I crossed myself, despite not being a religious man at the look on her face, which was not unlike that of an angel incensed by the sins of man.

“Get. Out!!”

I just stared blankly, unwilling to let this precious moment go to waste. Rarity shoved me hard and slammed the door as I hit the wall behind me. If I could draw worth a damn, I would spend years trying to recreate what I had seen so I could include it in my journals. I’m leaving a page or two blank in the folds of this one just so I can try later, having seen my muse for the first and quite possibly the last time. I mindlessly wandered into my living room and paced around for a bit. Yes, I knew that Rarity would probably be furious with me for a while but I couldn’t help but believe to the fullest extent that her anger was worth it. I’m sure I’ve gone on far too long about her magnificent appearance without all that crap on her face, but it was truly a sight to behold, one that you could only understand if you saw it for yourself.

I waited for an hour before I tried talking to her through my bathroom door.

I softly knocked twice. “Rarity? Bonny?”

Silence.

“I really hope you didn’t teleport out, that would be rather rude.”

I heard the impact of glass against wood.

“So you are in there… Is there anything I can do to get you to come out?”

“Wait.” She responded

“Okay.” I went back into the living room. Fifteen minutes later, Rarity came back out, dolled up as usual. I couldn’t help but feel disappointed.

“I do hope you’ll forgive my outburst. A gentlecolt should not see a lady unprepared.”

“This gentleman has filed that memory away. I’ll never forget that, Rarity.”

She cringed visibly. “I rather wish you would.”

I stared at her wide eyed. “Are you serious? Woman, do you even realize how naturally beautiful you are? Men should be breaking each other’s legs just too be the one standing next to you!”

Rarity averted her gaze and hugged herself. “I know.”

There was a story here. Obviously a painful one. “Can I ask about what happened?”

“I would prefer that you not.”

“Then I’ll leave it there.” Something that should have been obvious popped into my head.

“Why are you wearing the same clothes? You brought a massive suitcase with you, but not something else to where?” I said with what I hoped was a disarming smile.

Rarity looked down at herself casually and did a double take. “Oh drat! I forgot to shower in my haste!”

“You call an hour and a quarter haste?”

“Well if somepony didn’t upset me so much, I could have cut the time in half.”

“When I walked in, you were staring at yourself in the mirror. Not exactly making haste”

Rarity gave me a haughty look. “You talk too much.”

“Of course I do. Just get on with it so I can take my shower, that is, if you’re not going to invite me in with you so we can save some water.”

“You are truly incorrigible, Max. Perhaps if I had some water resistant eyeliner, I would consider it further.”

I rolled my eyes. “God forbid I see you without make up again. I don’t think my poor heart could bear the sight.”

“It’s not your heart I’m worried about. Please just let it be.”

“I am, I’m just taking the piss, bonny. No need to worry.”

“Good. In that case, I’ll try to hurry as much as I can.”

Rarity grabbed her suitcase and took it into my guest room leaving me to wonder just where my favorite wolf went. She was getting fond of disappearing when I wasn’t in emotional distress, though when she did take off, I usually found something that hit me in my heart’s soft bits. I thought about that for a bit and wondered what I would face this time unless the incident with Rarity from earlier was the event. If that was all, I could happily deal with it, seeing as how it was more of a plus than anything negative to me. Speaking of Rarity, I wondered why she hadn’t been acting like Twilight or Fluttershy since she was supposed to be in estrus. In fact, I had been in the house with her for some time and hadn’t even noticed a smell other than her perfume, excluding pre-existing odors that I helped cause. It was a curious case that I was going to have to ask her about when she relinquished her bathroom to me.

The Sun was getting rather high by the time she finally came out looking better. I suppose the curative powers of a shower can solve a good many problems. I glanced at her outfit for the day, which was well put together; a white sundress with deep purple accents that went well with her hair and a shawl that seemed as if it had been made for it. She had probably made the set herself with her own tastes in mind. Good tastes indeed.

“The restroom is all yours, darling.” she smiled at me.

“Thanks, I’ll be out in a jiff.”

I took my time in the shower, spending ten minutes or so under the hot water and rubbed some stubble on my chin. Maybe I would grow a beard? Maybe I would shave it all off and keep my boyish charm instead of the mess of scraggly wires that usually came of me trying to have facial hair. I had always wanted a beard, but I saved it for when I was to grow old and grey. Then and only then could I join the ranks of the bearded superiors.

My total time in the shower equaled less than a quarter of Rarity’s, but I still had a habit of getting the affair over with as soon as possible so I couldn’t be terribly surprised anyways. Exiting the restroom, I took two steps into my living room and heard a small chorus of wolf whistles from Applejack, Pinkie, and Rainbow. I should have been upset that they were in my house without my express permission, but Applejack was pretty great, Pinkie was too terrifying to say anything to, and Rainbow was cool when she wasn’t talking about herself. It’s not like they’re strangers to me, but I would still prefer to be aware of what’s going on in my own house.

“Hullo girls, what brings you over?” I waved.

“We were just thinkin’ about spendin’ the day with ya. Pinkie said you had somethin’ for Twilight that you never got a chance to give her.” Applejack explained.

“Yup! Remember that book we made?” Pinkie gave me a devious grin.

I returned it with my own. “I still have it. Let’s say we go and give it to her now, yeah?”

Rarity looked between me and Pinkie. “What sort of book do you have that would constitute as any sort of prank?”

“One moment, I’ll go grab it.” I headed off into my room and nabbed it from its hiding place, handing it off to Rarity once I returned.

She cracked it open, looking at it skeptically. “It’s blank. You do know that it’s blank, yes?”

“Cast a revealing spell on it!” Pinkie exclaimed. Applejack and Rainbow crowded around Rarity to get a look.

Rarity’s horn lit up and she began reading. I found it to be quite the oddity that all three of them took an awful long time to begin blushing, and even then it was simultaneous. That lead me to believe that they were either slow readers or had quite the dirty minds in the first place.

“Which part are you girls at?” I asked after two minutes, looking up at the clock.

“Shh!” Perfectly in unison. They were enraptured by what I had written in all the wrong ways. I was hoping that it would be too cheesy too really enjoy, but I was starting to think that I had basically just written a decent harlequin romance novel. I traded a look with Pinkie who just shrugged, appearing to be just as confused as I was.

“Can you horny hoes put the book down and grab a cold shower? Preferably one that doesn’t involve a hand held shower head?”

Rarity looked up at me with her face bright red. “Just who wrote this part, Max?” She looked over to Pinkie. “I don’t mean to offend, but it doesn’t seem like something either of you could craft.”

“That’s some… Nice work. Very nice.” Rainbows wings were standing at half mast, twitching occasionally.

“Max wrote the first part.” Pinkie said slowly.

“Pinkie wrote the latter half. What the hell is wrong with you three? That has to be the worst porn I’ve ever written!”

“I’m awfully tempted to keep this.” Applejack muttered, “Just so it don’t spoil Twilight’s innocent eyes” She added hastily.

“...I think I know what I’m going to do while I’m here.” A grin creeped its way onto my face.

“I want to read it first!” Rarity exclaimed.

Rainbow looked salty. “Dude! so not fair!”

“Dibs on second!” Applejack grinned.

“Dude!”

“I don’t see what the big deal is. Max let me read it before I did my part, and we both laughed.” Pinkie scratched her head.

“I guess we’re just the enlightened few. Hopefully Twilight is one too, or else we just gave her something to hide from Spike.”

Pinkie and I both chuckled at that, but Rarity seemed to hold the book a little closer to her bosom.

“Perhaps you could allow us to… proofread it before you give it to Twilight?”

“Perhaps you could ask to borrow it from her sometime. I already forgot about it once, and really don’t want to wait now. I’ll do some writing when I get back and let you read that, if it makes you feel any better.”

Rarity and Applejack beamed while Rainbow continued looking salty.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Our happy little troupe walked over to Twilight’s, though I was pretty sure that they just wanted to do something. There’s really nothing to do in Ponyville if you’re not reading, shagging, or hanging with your friends, so I lagged behind a bit, trying not to rush the day. Pinkie and Rainbow tried to egg me on to go faster, but I was having none of their shit. It was one thing to rush about if you had other plans for the day, but when I had asked them earlier, it was a collective no from all. Unless they were planning a surprise orgy, I saw no point in going any faster than I was.

Spike answered the door with a weary look on his face, and a haggard droop to his shoulders. Rarity gushed over him and brought him close to her chest and asked the poor fellow just why he looked to worn out. Applejack and Cuntie followed suit, but Rainbow and I waited until they shut the hell up to get to the bottom of it. I felt kinda bad for the guy, since they weren’t really giving him a chance to talk.

“Will you guys shut up? Ask a guy a million questions and he’ll never have the time to answer one. What’s up, Spike?”

“Twilight’s been going crazy, dude. She thinks, for some weird reason, that she isn’t going to be able to send Princess Celestia a friendship report this week and is flipping out about it.”

“I’ll handle it, little man. Mind if we come in?”

“If you can get her to calm down, then you’re welcome to.”

Spike didn’t bother breaking free from Rarity’s squishy grasp as we walked in, and I frankly couldn’t blame the guy. I kinda felt bad about being able to ask her for sex and probably get a yes when he was so head over heels for her, so I made it a top priority never to mention that to the I’m a prick, but not a petty prick.

I told the girls to bugger off so I could talk to Twilight alone for a bit, and they reluctantly did so. I found her in the actual library part of the Treebrary, sorting books with a frantic look on her face. The woman’s hair was a mess, her shirt unevenly buttoned and her skirt only half zipped on the side. It was enough to make me think twice about having no back up while talking to her, but I figured I had to be the one.

“Hey Twilight, you got a minute?”

“Max!” Her eyes lit up when she saw me, but it wasn’t a pleasant light. More like the look in Pinkie’s own eyes most day's. “Could you help me with something?”

“I can. What do you need?”

“I have to write Celestia a letter and-”

“Let’s just stop it right there. I have a topic for you; the value of keeping a cool head in a stressful situation, specifically when you’re wearing out your assistant and worrying your friends.”

The books around her dropped and she lifted a finger to her mouth.

“You know, that actually sounds like a good topic.”

“No shit? I kinda just pulled it out of my arse, but that’s how a lot of great ideas are made.”

“I’m not sure if that’s true, but I guess it doesn’t really matter. I’ve got to get writing! Where’s Spike? I need him to take a note.”

“Take it yourself, love. You’ll save time like that.”

Twilight blushed. “I would, but my hoofwriting isn’t as good as Spike’s.”

“I’m sure Celly will understand, especially if you’re her student. She has to at least have a passing understanding of your penmanship.”

“...She asked me to have Spike take the notes I was going to send to her.”

“Ooh. Yeah, that’s bad. Tell you what; I’ll do it. Just get me a pen and some paper.”

She rushed off to grab the necessary materials and I followed her at a far more sedate pace, passing the main parlor on my way. The girls were staring off after where Twilight had evidently gone.

“She’ll be right as rain in a mo’. I gave her something to write about.” I announced

“What was it?” Spike asked.

I looked at him and then to Rarity. “The value of loving someone.” I said airily.

They both blushed, but Rainbow and Pinkie looked confused. Applejack held back some giggles.

“W-W-Well, Max, I’m honored, but I thought our agreement-”

“Who said I loved you? I just said it was the value of loving someone, nothing more.” I gave Spike a devious grin.

He looked rather panicked, staring wide eyed at me. “Don’t tell me you’re in love with Twilight!”

“What? No, that’s not what I meant. Hell, I’m dating her teacher, little man. That would be awfully awkward.”

“You’re dating Princess Celestia!?” Rainbow and Cuntie chorused.

“Dude, no way!” Spike added.

“Yeah, I’m dating Celestia. What about it?”

“She’s The Princess!” Rainbow cried.

I looked at her like she was retarded. “She’s A princess. Did you forget about Luna?”

Rainbow glared. “You know what I meant! How did you manage to bag a Princess?”

“Wit, charm, and more flirting than a simile wrapped in a metaphor.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. How do you flirt with a princess? Especially Princess Celestia!”

“You talk to her like a normal woman, duh. You girls act like it’s a personal offense for me to be in a relationship with your ruler.”

“It ain’t that, it’s just surprisin’. Most ponies think the Princess is celibate or that she just keeps it on the down low.” Applejack explained

“She’s not celibate, but she does like to keep things to herself, so if you girls could please keep this information in our little circle, that would be great. That means you too, Spike.”

“Hey! I can keep a secret!” He protested

“I‘m sure you can, which is why I asked in the first place. Gosh, Spike, you sure can be thick sometimes.”

He gave me an bewildered look, but before anyone could explain, Twilight tapped me on the shoulder and handed me the supplies.

“Okay. Max, take note! Dear Celestia, Today I learned that it’s important to take time and relax, especially when you’re coming to the end of a deadline. I had worried so much about whether or not I would be able to send you a report when Max of all ponies gave me something to write about! I also learned from him that you shouldn’t judge somepony by the way they act and speak, but by the content of their charac- OW!” I had pinched her.

“Do you talk this much shit about me often? Or is it just because I tried to be nice?”

Twilight blushed. “I wasn’t doing that!”

Rarity inspected her nails “You rather were, darling. It’s not inaccurate, however”

I shot her a glare.

Twilight couched to get my attention. “As I was saying: the content of their character. I know you shouldn’t really judge a pony in any case, but I find that it’s inevitable in life, so I will resolve myself to do it based on the best aspects of that pony. Max told me that I should try and maintain a ‘cool head’ and try not to worry my friends, which is ironic coming from him, but I- OW! Stop doing that!” She rubbed her arm where I had pinched her in the exact same spot.

“Stop making me sound like an ass! Celestia already knows that part of me rather well.”

Twilight grumbled and shot me a dirty look. “In conclusion, your partner is a buttface, even if he has a few good points. Sincerely, your student, Twilight Sparkle”

I changed the last bit a little, but handed the page off to Spike before Twilight could proofread it. He handed it back to her with a confused look on his face and I shook my head at him. Twilight made quick work of the document until she got to the conclusion.

“...In conclusion, Max is the best and I can’t wait to have a proper turn with him. Sincerely your, Twatlip Spankle?” She looked at me and I grinned.

“How did you misspell my name so badly?”

“He didn’t misspell it,” Rainbow chuckled, “You just misread it!”

“How vulgar! Max, did you forget about Spike being here!?” Rarity accused.

“I figured if neither of them read it, it would be an issue.” I snatched the paper from Twilight and held it out to Spike. “If you would, my good sir.”

He shrugged and sent it off. I gave Twilight a shit eating grin and she huffed.

“I don’t get what’s so funny, but I’m sure you wouldn’t send anything appropriate to your lover.”

I kept grinning with Pinkie, Rainbow, and Applejack joining me.

“...You didn’t.” Twilight deadpanned.

“I may have. In fairness, I did sign my name at the bottom so she knows it was me.”

“Max!” She cried.

“Speaking of me, Pinkie and I found something while we were out and about, and wondered if you could make heads or tails of it.” I pulled out the book and handed it to her.

“Oh! It looks like a journal of some kind! Have you opened the lock yet?”

I handed the key off to her and shook my head. “It’s blank, but we doubted that it was just an old book. We had Rarity check it out for us, but there wasn’t really much that she could get from it either. Thus, you have an old blank book on your hands.”

“How exciting!” Twilight looked thrilled, completely ignoring the giggles from the peanut gallery. I spared them a quick glare and they straightened up for the most part. I swear, ponies are terrible at pranks.

“Let us know what you find, yeah? It’s been a bit of bother, not knowing what’s in it. Can’t say I’m usually one for idle curiosity, but it’s definitely interesting.”

Twilight unlocked the book and cracked it open, her smile bright with scholarly intrigue. She cast a spell or two on it and started reading out loud.

“Daffodil Bean’s log, day one, entry one. I have found myself at an impasse, my time coming to its peak as I hunt for a certain stallion, Husky Log. I have heard from many a mare that he is the one that can grant any wish, whether mundane or complex with frightening ease, and I hope that he will be able to sate my desires so that I may finally rest.”

“Huh, so it really is a journal. I wonder what Daffodil’s talking about?” I had to get her to keep reading, but I realized Spike was still there. Entry two was a doozy, and I doubted that Twilight forgive me easily if I didn't get him out of there soon.

“Hey Spike, you wanna go grab that cupcake I owe you? I’m sure we can hear the rest of the story later.” I offered. I would hear from someone or other how well the prank went, but I wouldn’t risk Spike’s innocence so that I could have a laugh.

“Yeah, sounds pretty boring anyways.” Rarity and Applejack’s eyes widened as they realized what I was doing, and Applejack shot me a thumbs up that I subtly returned.

I took Spike on the longest route to Sugarcube corner that I knew of and filled the time with some idle guy talk. Well, about as much guy talk as you can have with a fellow that’s probably not in the throes of puberty, though when he spoke about a girl who’s name has popped up a lot lately, I listened intently.

“So there’s this filly, Sweetie Belle…” He started.

“You mean Rarity’s little sister?” I asked patiently.

“Yeah. I kinda have a crush on her too, but I don’t know what to do! Do I keep going after Rarity, or do I go after Sweetie Belle?”

“No one can really tell you what you should do, but I suggest going for Sweetie Belle since she’s not one of Twilight’s friends and she’s closer to your age.”

“I mean, it makes sense, but how do I tell Rarity that I want to go out with her sister? What if she never talks to me again!?”

“Mate, if she hasn’t addressed your crush yet, she either doesn’t know about it or she knows and just doesn’t want to talk about it. I can’t speak for Rarity, but women tend to prefer men around their own age, or at least, their own height.”

“Low blow man.”

“Sorry, didn’t think about that one too hard, but you get what I’m saying right?”

“I do, it’s just that Rarity’s so beautiful…”

“Which she is well aware of. What else do you like about Rarity?”

“Well, she’s smart, but not as smart as Twilight which is cool.”

“How’s that cool?”

“It means she isn’t like Twilight. I don’t really know how to put it without sounding like I’m trying to be mean.”

“Twilight’s neurotic, spastic, and a bit too brilliant for her own good?”

“I know what one of those means, and yeah. That’s the gist of it. Rarity’s also generous-”

“Eh.”

Spike’s head whipped to look at me. “Dude! She’s literally the Element of Generosity!”

“And yet she uses you to do a lot of her grunt work without paying you back other than with the occasional kiss on the cheek or a hug. I’m not criticizing her, just saying.”

“That sounds an awful lot like criticism, Max.”

“I just said it wasn’t, bugger off.” He gave me a flat glare and I rolled my eyes. “So what else is there? What really cinches it?”

“Well besides the way she dresses, her perfect manners, the way she styles her hair, how nice she is to me, I don’t really know if there’s one specific thing.”

“Besides the beauty?”

“That doesn’t hurt, but that’s not the only reason.”

“Of course not. What about Sweetie Belle? What do you like about her?”

“It’d be easier to list the things I don’t like, dude. She’s nice, cute, creative, good at singing. I could go on all day!”

“And one specific thing that you like most?”

“I guess it’d have to be how she never seems to stay in one place like I do. She’s always off doing something with Scootaloo and Apple Bloom, trying to get their Cutie Marks, and I really like that. She’s full of energy!”

“So she reminds you a bit of how you’d like to live your life? Never a dull moment, always something interesting to do?”

“Yeah! That’s a good way to put it.”

“I see a few problems with that. Tell you what, mate. Make a list of the pros and cons of Sweetie Belle and Rarity, and figure out which one has more pros for you. Pursue the winner and see what happens from there.”

“You make that sound really easy.”

“That’s because in theory, it is. I made a mental one for Applejack when I was debating whether or not to start an agreement of sorts with her.”

“Wait, you’re going out with Applejack and Princess Celestia?”

“No, I’m just going out with Celly. Applejack and I aren’t necessarily going out, but we do some of the stuff that couples do.”

“So you guys like, kiss and cuddle and stuff?”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Since she doesn’t have a boyfriend to keep her company when she wants something more than a friend, I take the place of said boyfriend and give her the affection she desires.”

“That sounds an awful lot like dating, dude.”

“It’s a difference you’d have to experience to really understand. The thing is, we don’t love each other, we just enjoy the cuddling and kissing bits.”

“What about the other stuff Twilight tells everyone not to talk about around me?”

“If she tells everyone not to talk about it around you, it’s probably for good reason.”

“But I’m not a kid anymore! I don’t know why it has to be such a big secret!”

“How sure are you that you can keep a secret?”

Spike looked at me eagerly. “Very sure!”

“You better be, because if I catch flak from Twilight, I’ll shank you in a heartbeat.”

“...You’ll what?” I gave him a look. “Never mind. Sounds bad.”

“It is. So Applejack and I are something called ‘Friends with Benefits.”

“Benefits like what?”

“Well, we do the bedroom waltz from time to time.”

“Does that mean sex?”

“It does.” I checked my nails. There was a bit of rubbish under a few of the.

“So you do sex to Applejack but you guys aren’t dating?”

“We are not. We’re just friends as the name implies, with a few conditions that don’t really matter.” I thought for a second. “If you ask someone to be like that with you at your age, I will punt your soft bits.”

“Well, I was going to ask Sweetie Belle, but now it sounds like a bad idea.”

“It is. Sex is something that’s worth waiting for, and once you have it, you’ll see it really isn’t as big a deal as it’s made out to be. Don’t be in a hurry to grow up, man. Shit gets complicated fast and it’s pretty sucky.”

“Well thanks for that pep talk.”

“Any time. I won’t sugarcoat anything if you ask me not to. I’d rather not have to pick and choose my words around a young man who should really be learning about the world while he can before the stinky stuff hits the fan.”

“Thanks I guess. So can I ask you something? Two things, actually.”

“You’ve just asked one, and you only have one more. Choose wisely.”

Spike glared at me. “You’re not as funny as you think you are, dude.”

“If that was true, I wouldn’t have any friends. What are your questions little man.”

“Why did we really leave the Treebrary?”

“I wrote the book I gave Twilight, and Pinkie did half of it too. It’s a prank that you shouldn’t have to witness since it’s a bit on the raunchy side.”

“But you just told me some adult stuff!”

“I know. I did that because I think you should know, but Twilight would hate me if you started asking questions about what you heard, which is why I asked you to keep what I said quiet. I did it more for Twilight and Rarity than you, mate.”

“How does Rarity play into that?”

“To be honest with you?” I sighed. “I’m pretty certain she thinks of you as a kid or a brother. Maybe a kid brother, but most definitely not someone to date.”

Spike was silent for a good while. We were nearly at Sugarcube Corner anyhow and it was a bit awkward buying him a cupcake he showed no interest in eating. I was fairly certain that I had just taken a jab at his heart, but I thought it was better that he learn ahead of time, rather than keep hoping that one day she would see him as anything but a boy. It felt terrible to watch him poke at the pastry with such a glum look, but my muffin was still warm and delicious. I waited a good ten or so minutes before I tried to speak to him again.

“You alright, Spike? I know it’s heavy, but it is what it is.” He focused on his cupcake.

“Let’s just go home.” Spike said after a few more minutes of loaded silence.

“Alright, buddy.”

We left quickly and took a much more direct route back home. I felt terrible for breaking the news to him, but he wasn’t going to make a move and I was pretty certain that Rarity was oblivious to his feelings. Spike was taking the news awfully hard and I couldn’t see a way to cheer him up at the moment, so we walked on without a word between us.

Arriving back at the Treebrary was a solemn event. The girls had gone, and took Twilight along with them, leaving me alone with a saddened dragon.

“Anything I can do for you, Spike?”

He looked at me. “Are you friends with benefits with Rarity too?”

“What gives you that idea?”

“Just answer the question.”

“If you’re asking whether or not I’ve slept with her, the answer is no.”

“...You said you wouldn’t sugarcoat anything.”

“I’m not. I have not slept with Rarity, though I did nearly get there with Twilight.”

Spike turned the cupcake he was still holding in his hands about. “Would you even tell me if you were?”

“Yeah, I would.”

Spike’s shoulders relaxed and he let out a deep breath. “Thanks, dude. I’m gonna go to sleep.”

“Sleep well, mate.”

I walked home hating myself a little bit. I hadn’t meant to lie to Spike, but I knew that saying yes would have landed that cupcake in my face and earned me his anger for quite some time. I tried to rationalize it so I could breath more easily, but I felt that I should’ve faced the music as it was playing rather than taking an about face on the morals I was trying uphold. Being an honest man was difficult. More difficult than I had previously thought. The feeling niggled at the tender spots of my heart, so I altered my path and began heading towards Rarity’s boutique, hoping that I would find her there.

Turns out, I found three short girls talking excitedly about something or other unimportant when I strolled in. One had hair reminiscent of Rainbow Dash’s, but was a horrid magenta that clashed terribly with her orange coat. Another was a literal redhead with a light yellow coat, and the last, whom I assumed was Sweetie Belle, had a two toned lavender and light pink mane with a white coat. I briefly pondered getting the fuck out of dodge since I hate dealing with tweenage girls, but my stupid curiosity got the better of me.

“Hullo, girls. Any of you seen Rarity?”

They stared at me, their conversation dropping like a gold nugget in a jar of water.

“Who are you?” The one with the red mane asked.

“Name’s Max, I’m one of Rarity’s friends. May I know your names?”

The orange one spoke up. “I’m Scootaloo,” She pointed at herself, “that’s Applebloom, and that’s Sweetie Belle.” Scootaloo pointed at each girl respectively.

“Hullo,” I waved, “Nice to meet you.”

They waved, but said nothing.

“So… Any clue where Rarity has gone?”

"You talk funny." Applebloom stated.

“Why do you want to know?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Well, it’s rather hard to stalk someone if you don’t know where they are.”

“Not again!” she yelled. A very pointy pair of scissors raised up.

“Hold on! I was kidding, good lord girl! Take a joke, will you?”

The scissors did not fall. “How do I know you’re telling the truth?” She narrowed her eyes.

“Has Rarity seriously not said a word about me? Do the words ‘simply insufferable’ ring any bells?”

“So that’s you! Oh.” Sweetie Belle dropped the scissors.

“I dunno, Sweetie Belle. I think we might need those, if what Big Mac says about him is anything to go by.” Apple Bloom warned.

“What about Applejack? Does she say anything about me?”

“Well, yeah. She says you’re a nice stallion who has trouble tellin’ the truth sometimes.”

“While that is true, I happen to be trying to change that to telling the truth all the time, which is why I need to talk to Rarity. Now, if you could kindly stop threatening me, that would be lovely.”

“He looks suspicious to me.” Scootaloo rubbed her chin.

“Big Mac usually ain’t wrong about many things.” Apple Bloom copied her.

“And Rarity says you aren’t the nicest guy.” Sweetie Belle added.

“...I’m just gonna go. I’ll be sure to snitch on you to your sisters.” I turned to leave.

“Wait!” Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom cried in unison.

“Are you going to stab me?” I called over my shoulder as I walked away.

“No! Don’t tell on us!” Apple Bloom shouted. The trio ran to follow me.

“I was playing, girls. Don’t worry about it.” I totally wasn’t playing, but it seemed like a good day to start lying again.

They breathed a collective sigh of relief. And started babbling among themselves, so I decided to make my exit before they came back to their senses and started talking to me again. They reminded me an awful lot of Rainbow, Applejack, and Rarity respectively, but I was glad I didn’t have to deal with them for long. That thought lasted all of thirty seconds.

“Hey Max!” Apple Bloom yelled from behind me.

“Yeah? What is it?”

“Is what Big Mac says true? Are you really a bad pony?” She looked at me nervously.

“I’m not a pony, so that doesn’t really apply to me.”

“What?”

“I’m not a pony, thus I’m not a good pony, because I am not a pony.”

“What?”

“What country are you from?”

Applebloom was befuddled. “What?”

“‘What’ ain’t no country I ever heard of! Do they speak English in ‘What’?”

“What?”

“Equuish, child, can you speak it?”

“Well, yeah! It’s the only language I know.”

“Then you understand what I’m sayin’?”

“Yeah?”

“Good. Now what do I look like?”

“Uh… What?”

“SAY WHAT AGAIN. COME ON, SAY WHAT AGAIN, I DARE YA, I DOUBLE DARE YA.”

She looked at me somewhere between confused and angry. “Why should I?”

“I dunno. It’d be funnier if you knew what I was talking about. With that said, what were we talking about?”

“...Ya don’t seem like a bad pony, just weird. Maybe Big Mac was wrong about ya.”

“Or maybe Applejack was right. You never know.”

“Are ya just bein’ difficult now?”

“Yup, pretty much. I’ve been spending too much time around Pinkie.”

“Oh. She does get weird sometimes.”

“That she does. Can I help you with something? Because I do need to find your sister.”

“I thought you needed to find Rarity?”

“I do, but Applejack was with Rarity the last time I saw her, and neither of them should be leaving me alone with myself. Who knows? I might go on a candy binge and clear out Sugarcube Corner.”

“Are you serious!?”

“No, I am not.”

“You’re weird.”

“And you’re short. Are we going to make any more observations?”

She finally shut the hell up and started walking backwards into the shop, bumping into the door but not dropping eye contact with me the entire time. It was a queer thing. I fucked off and went searching for Fluttershy, assuming that she would probably be picked up by the girls sometime soon if she hadn’t already been. When three or more of them gathered, they usually formed their little pack and got up to no good, so I kept an ear open for screams, shouts of panic, and general mayhem. I found none, but I really don’t know what I had been expecting; nothing exciting had happened that didn’t involve me since I’d gotten here, though some of the stories that Applejack had told me were awfully surprising.

One of them was the story of how the girls first met over the course of Luna, who was something called Nightmare Moon at the time, kidnapping Celestia and threatening eternal night to be cast over the world, which I found to be frankly terrifying for multiple reasons. How the hell could anyone trust in someone with such propensity for darkness? I mean, hell, I know I’m not exactly one to talk about untrustworthy tendencies, but if Luna’s envy of Celestia had grown to the point where she had gotten an evil power boost that could dwarf her sister’s own, that was reason enough for me to worry. I would never tell Luna that I feared the day she lost control of her emotions, but I did wonder just how long it would take for it to happen again. Being a pessimist, even on the sunniest days, I believed that there would come a time that her evil would be released again, but I had no way of doing anything about that, so I tried not to worry about it too hard.

Needless fretting aside, I hadn’t found anything but a few stuffy animals around Fluttershy’s place. I figured that they had only been nice to me because I was on good terms with Fluttershy, but ever since I had turned her down, I noticed many more near misses with bird excrement than I had ever had in my life. That was just another thing on my ever expanding to do list that I couldn’t get done at the present moment. Instead of walking about town, searching for the rainbow sextet of females, I was going to call it a day and start writing some good ol’ fashioned smut.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My house was also oddly empty. I had been expecting them to have let themselves in or something, and it was odd that I felt rather disappointed that they hadn’t. I don’t think it was because I wasn’t going to have a chance to yell at them for invading my privacy, but that I had been anticipating company that I no longer had. Even my somewhat constant companion had ditched me. I brushed off the heavy feeling to the best of my abilities and grabbed a pen, some paper, and a tall glass of water to begin my new pastime. I wrote in a flurry of movement and inspiration, using my own kinks and some of my wishes to flavor the text a bit, while trying to keep it in a female’s perspective which was surprisingly fun. I had never been much of a writer, and I had found it to be more of a responsibility than a hobby when it came to my journals, but writing for giggles was proving to be an interesting endeavor.

Unlike the gaudy cheese fest I had written into the fake ancient text I had given Twilight, I actually put a bit of effort into this one, making it a little easier to read and allowing it to flow naturally rather than the jerky, rapid scene changes that had been all over my previous work. IT was difficult to switch styles entirely, but not impossible by any means as I had to keep reminding myself time and time again. Another factor was repetition, which broke up the flow of the story and seemed to make it more childish. I attempted to avoid it as often as possible, but there’s only so many ways one can refer to genitalia that will be understood, let alone maintain a certain level of dignity. There’s a difference between harlequin romance and straight up smut, and I was going for the romance bit. It proved a difficult task to keep the hot, heavy tone I was trying to set when I felt no arousal of my own and had no one to read over my work, but I finished the first few chapters by the time the moon had risen. So lost was I in my work that I had completely lost track of time, night having fallen hours ago. It was a bit after one in the morning when I decided to go search of journals to catch them up when I realized I couldn’t find them.

How odd. I always kept them in the same place; in my nightstand along with the billfold I had kept with me since I was fifteen and a ring I was fond of, but never actually wore unless it was on a string. Both of those things were still there, and I was beginning to work myself into a frenzy trying to find them when I gave up and started on my most recent entry in an attempt to calm down. I stopped a few times to look some more to no avail; they were gone and I had no idea where exactly they had went. My thoughts turned to the possible betrayal of my friends, but I waved them aside. The girls were nosy, but I highly doubted that any of them would go snooping through my things just to steal my journal entries.

I didn’t get much sleep that night, fretting over my journal for most of it. Those papers had contained most of my time in Equestria, and it worried me that I would have to rewrite them from memory, knowing I couldn’t remember all of the conversations in their entirety, or do my first impressions any justice. It was like a piece of my mind had just up and left, taking a good chunk of time along with it, and that worried me as much as anything else. How was I supposed to rest easily knowing that I had minded it well, especially for someone like me? I tossed and turned in my bed, eventually giving up to take a walk to clear my head. Not that there was much to see in Ponyville, I just hoped that the exercise would get the worries out of my mind.

I passed Fluttershy’s cabin, Applejack’s farm, and Rarity’s boutique on my circuit, wondering if any of them were still up at this ungodly hour. I had a feeling that they weren’t, so I didn’t bother stopping by, though seeing them did ease my heart a little. I was quite happy that I had such good friends, but that in itself was odd. I had been equally as happy to be by myself before and after Max’s passing, which made me wonder if perhaps the magic of Ponyland was getting to me more than I had thought. Things that would have started blood feuds before were swiftly forgiven, although they were never forgotten, and annoyances that would have gotten a few people cursed to the moon and back were ignored. I was changing, whether I had intended to or not, in ways that I hadn’t foreseen, which worried me even more. I didn’t want to be like one of the ponies; blissfully ignorant and cheery. I want to be me. Surly, snippy, and sarcastic. All I was really trying to change was my honesty (or lack thereof) and my willingness to use my manners, but the more I pondered how much I had changed, the deeper the worry etched itself into my mind. Would I eventually turn into one of these happy-go-lucky fuckers if I stayed my course? Or would I retain some semblance of what made me me?

I was still troubled by my thoughts when I found myself passing Twilight’s house, seeing that the lights were still on. I didn’t have a watch, but I assumed it was nearly three or so in the morning. My interest was piqued, so I walked up and was about to knock when I heard voices through the door.

“I’m telling you! If he finds out, he’s not going to be happy!” I think that voice belonged to Rarity.

There were a few inaudible words that I assumed came from Fluttershy.

“Relax Rares,” Rainbow said, “if we keep it quiet and just put them back, it won’t be a problem.”

That sounded awfully interesting. Too coincidental. I barely opened the door so I could hear a bit better.

“I don’t know what it is, but he deserves it! I can’t believe he made me read that awful journal out loud!” Twilight protested.

“In fairness, it was a good prank. Max even took Spike out to the bakery and missed his own prank.” Applejack replied calmly.

“And Spike’s been depressed ever since, but he won’t tell me what’s on his mind!” Twilight carried on.

“Perhaps I could talk to him? Spike always seems to respond well to me for some odd reason.” Rarity offered.

“You’re welcome to try. In the meantime, what do you girls think about the journal?” Twilight asked more quietly.

“It was… interesting.” Rarity sounded uncomfortable.

“You say interesting, I say great! I can’t believe Max wrote that!” Rainbow exclaimed.

I had heard enough to allay my suspicions, so I softly closed the door and knocked three times on it.

Twilight answered it with the remains of a blush still on her face. “Max? What are you doing up so late?” She asked.

“I was looking for something I can’t find and it’s been worrying me to death. You wouldn’t happen to have my journals, would you?”

She looked at me and cocked her head. “You keep a journal?”

“I do. I wonder where it went. For a moment, I worried that one of you girls may have taken it, but I don’t think any of you would disrespect me like that.”

“Speaking of respect.” Twilight’s eyes narrowed.

I booped her nose.

She swatted at my hand and missed. “I can’t believe you let me read that drivel out loud!”

“You’ll laugh at it eventually, love. Did you read the rest of it?”

She blushed and looked behind her. “Well, I promised to let Rarity read it first, but I’m still mad at you!”

“Would a kiss make it better?” I leaned and and puckered my lips.

Twilight gave me a quick peck and walked away, leaving the door open. I had been joking, not expecting her to actually do it, so I just followed after regaining my bearings. Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow and Fluttershy were all present, but Pinkie was nowhere to be seen.

“Hullo, ladies. How goes the night?”

No one looked me in the eye when they answered, which I found very suspicious, though Twilight didn’t seem to notice. Something was definitely off.

“I happen to be missing something rather important to me, any of you have a guess as to what it might be?” I leaned against the door frame and surveyed their responses.

“Wouldn’t happen to be your missin’ journal, would it? I heard ya talkin’ about it with Twilight.” Applejack answered.

“Yeah that’s it. Wouldn’t happen to know anything about it, would you?”

“Why would we know, Max?” Rarity asked. “It sounds like you’re accusing us.”

“I’m not accusing, just asking. It’s been a bit of bother, which is why I’m not asleep at the moment. Just exhausting any leads.”

Rarity glowered. “When would we even have a chance to get it?”

“There are two unicorns here right now, and Pinkie is a fucking wizard all her own. Plus, Pinkie came over with Applejack and Rainbow earlier today, which you were there for too. Like I said, bonny, I’m just asking. You taking so much offense is making me more suspicious than anything.”

“I don’t see why it would. It’s perfectly reasonable to be upset after being accused of something you didn’t do.” She huffed.

I ignored her for a moment. “Applejack, do you know who took my journal?”

“Max!” Rarity exclaimed. Rainbow and Applejack were averting their gazes.

“Was I fucking talking to you?” I snarled.

She was taken aback and I looked to Applejack once more. “If I get it back before morning, all’s forgiven. I mean I want my journal handed back to me by the culprit. I know you three are hiding something, and since the only one not here is Pinkie, I’m going to guess she has it.”

“...I’ll get it back for ya. Pinkie didn’t say nothin’ until she already had it, but she wasn’t just gonna put it back.” Applejack said quietly.

I walked over and gave her a hug. “Thank you, AJ. My journal means a lot to me, and I’m going to dropkick Cuntie when I see her next.”

“Now, that ain’t right, Max, and you know it.” She finally looked at me,

“Applejack’s right, dude. It’s just a journal!” Rainbow added.

“It’s also the sum of my experiences in Equestria, meticulously kept with EVERY event that has happened from the moment I left the Everfree and ran into you. There are things in that journal that I don’t want known, and things about myself that I never wanted to share. If you could even fucking fathom the gross invasion of my privacy that the act of stealing such a valuable thing is, you would understand why I’m upset.”

“How is it worth that much to you? It’s just words on paper man.”

“Are you an idiot? everything I’ve done in Equestria resides within those pages. That includes everyone as well.”

Applejack and Twilight both jolted. “We have to get it back.” Applejack stood from her seat and donned her coat with Twilight close behind.

“Now that’s the hustle I wanna see! Let’s go storm Pinkie’s castle!” I grinned darkly and followed them out the door, leaving Rarity and Rainbow behind.

We practically ran to Sugarcube Corner in the dead of night. I’m sure it was an odd sight; two women in night clothes bustling down the street, lead by the lone human on the planet towards a gingerbread house in a technicolor town. I found it to be hilarious. We arrived quickly and Twilight unlocked the door with her magic, allowing me to take point since I was the quietest. I padded up the stairs softly with a well practiced ease, the two ponies following in my wake making far more noise than necessary. After the second loud bump, I waved at them, signalling that they should stay behind while I sallied forth and I carried on soundlessly. I cracked the first door I saw and it appeared to be a nursery, so that was a bust. The next two doors were the Cake’s bedroom and a bathroom, both of which didn’t hold what I was looking for, so I went to check the one on the far end of the hall, facepalming as I realized that was the one I should’ve started with. I stood and opened it, strolling right on in and caught Pinkie with a lamp on and her hand between her legs.

Pinkie froze, but her hand did not.

“While I’m so glad you find my life arousing, I would appreciate it if you stopped.”

“You’re in my room.”

“And you were in mine earlier. Hand it over.”

She extended her wet fingers towards me and I struggled not to gag. “The journal, Pinkie. I know you have it.”

“Aww, but I just got past the part where you slept with Fluttershy!”

My blood fucking boiled. “You have five seconds.”

She sat still and looked out the window.

“Three.”

“You’re not counting very fair-”

“Give. Them. To. Me.”

“Or what?” She asked testily.

“Don’t play this game with me Pinkie.”

“Or what?” Her tone had gone dark

I started ripping open every drawer I could find, searching for my journals until I found the sheathes of paper. I heard steps in the hallway and started browsing over the collection until I started seeing silly pink scribbles through some of the words and little annotations. I looked at Pinkie who had put some damn pants on, and there was a knock on the door.

“Pinkie? Is everything okay?” I heard Mrs.Cake ask.

I opened the door and walked through, bumping Mrs. Cake on my way out, not trusting myself to not fucking strangle Pinkie. Not only had the fucking cunt stolen my shit, she had defaced it. I could rewrite the pages, of course, since the damage wasn’t too severe, but the fact that I would even have to if I wanted the stain that was her penmanship to no longer be on my journals pissed me off even further. I brushed past Twilight and Applejack on my way out, Mrs. Cake still asking what the hell had just happened upstairs.

I walked along at a brisk pace, not really caring that Applejack and Twilight were trailing along. It always seemed to be one of them that was worried about me whenever something was pissing me off, but despite the concern they were showing, I wanted nothing more to be left alone.

“Max?” Applejack called. “You okay?”

“No. No I am not.” I stopped walking and let them catch up.

“What the hay happened? We heard a scuffle and it didn’t sound pretty.”

“I asked Pinkie to hand over my journal and she did not. So I tore her room apart looking for it.”

“That was uncalled for! You know Pinkie would have given it back eventually!”

“She invaded my privacy, again. Stole from me, scribbled nonsense all over my work, and I caught her fuckingmasturbating to my life! I am not fucking happy.”

Twilight eyes were wide. “I-I’m sure there’s an explanation to that.”

“If there is, I don’t wanna fuckin’ hear it. Pinkie Pie’s crossed a line that I’ve been way too fuckin’ lenient with. Cock suckin’ cunt needs to learn some goddamn manners.”

“Hey! She’s your friend, Max-” Applejack started

“No the fuck she’s not. I will NEVER be friends with someone that fucking disgusting.”

“Pinkie ain’t disgustin’! She was just taking care of her needs as a mare!” Applejack retorted hotly

“I don’t give a fuck about that, I care more about the fact that she has no regards for any manner of privacy, no regard for how anyone else feels, and doesn’t give a damn about her own fucking friends! How could she think I’d be okay with her reading the most intimate moments of my life!?”

Applejack and Twilight shared a look and the orange mare just scratched her head.

“That’s what I thought. I’m going home.”

Applejack looked down. “...Do ya want someone to walk-”

“No. No, I don’t.”

“I’m sorry, Max. If I would have known…” Twilight hugged herself

“You know what? Applejack, Rarity and Rainbow knew, and they didn’t do a damn thing, so don’t you feel bad for a moment.”

Applejack rubbed her arm and Twilight looked between us. “That’s a little harsh, Max.”

“If it’s any less true, that tell me now. Otherwise, leave me alone. I don’t want to look at anyone right now.”

I walked on and they stood there for a while longer. Too livid to care, I held my pages close and fucked right off, thinking up various ways to get Pinkie back for this. I hadn’t technically forgiven her for spreading my secret in the first place, and now that she had gone and fucked up just as badly all over again, there was no way I could ever consider the pink cunt to be a friends. In fact, from this point forward, Pinkie will now be referred to as Cuntie in my writing, mimicking life.

I came up some brutal ways that weren’t technically torture to eat away at Cuntie’s self esteem, self image, and self respect, planning to put all of them into effect the moment I could. It hurt to think that she had so callously neglected my personal space, and had even invaded my inner sanctum without so much as a word to me. I still couldn’t believe that Rarity had tried to cover for her and that Applejack let her do it! Fucking ponies are terrible friends, especially the Elements of Harmony.

I sat in my empty house and rewrote the pages that Cuntie had ruined, the mere sight of her bright pink scrawl incensing me to the point of shaking so hard I had to stop writing and calm down. I kept a bottle of brown liquor under my sink and took a few shots to calm myself, after eating something of course. Still, it was hard to trust the ponies after getting burned so many times. I truly began to doubt that I was the toxic one; it had to be them! The problem once lie in myself, who was too unforgiving and harsh to exist in their world, but now I realized that the ponies were just insanely fucking stupid! They were so sheltered and ignorant, they hard a hard time seeing anything from someone else’s prerogative, which was exemplified perfectly in Cuntie.

Now Rarity was going to be a whole different story. She had just barely avoided lying in my face about knowing that Cuntie had my journal, and I was a special kind of pissed at her. She officially lost her spot as my proofreader, and was most definitely not going to get to read my new smut. I knew it was especially petty, but I was still quite pissed that she had the nerve to be angry with me when I had asked if they knew anything. That was pretty shitty of her, I must say. If it was a prank they were trying to pull, I would have been fine if it had been anything other than something so extremely personal to me, or something I had put time and effort into, but no. They had to go after my memories and observations which just did not sit well at all.

I went to bed as dawn was breaking, finished with a good chunk of my rewrites. There were still a handful of pages that I was going to have to fix, and I double checked to see if Cuntie had used some form of invisible ink just to mess with me. I determined that she had not since her words were still on my papers, but I still found it infuriating that she had dared to comment on my writing, stating that I spent far too much time describing my sex life, too much time thinking, and too much time killing or threatening to kill people. Bitch should have seen from what I had written that I was a repentant sinner, and the evil thought that maybe Cuntie was supposed to be my torturer for my penance irked me. I tossed and turned some some more, not able to still my beating heart.

I got up and wished that I still had the potent plant in my shed when I decided to go check. I found that Lupa had actually neglected to carry it off and that it smelled even stronger than it had before, a good indicator that it had finally had a chance to settle and dry out on its own. I touched a few of the sticky buds, but smiled when I saw the frosted tip that was the top most bud. It was a beauty, nearly bringing a tear to my eye. I went back inside and grabbed a mason jar that I had seen when I stashed my liquor and brought the top cola in, stuffing it as gently as I could inside so I didn’t hurt it. Now I just needed some moonshine, and I would have a whole ‘nother dragon on my hands. I went back out and picked something that wasn’t quite as majestic to process, and did the illegal thing with it on my back porch. It was already a pretty morning out, nice and cool, but it was slowly beginning to get prettier. I did finally get some sleep, so it was worth it to me, but if I hadn’t had an awning on my porch swing, I would be willing to bet that I’d have been cherry red by the time I actually got my stoned arse into gear.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I was quite pleasantly awoken by the repeated feeling of being kissed on the cheek, but when I rolled over, I saw that it was not a pretty woman placing smooches on me, but rather, my favorite pupper giving me smooches of her own. I rubbed her head and sat up.

“Lupa? Just where have you been the past few days? I miss you when you disappear, you know.” She shook her head and pointed her nose off into and started off. “Oi! Wait up!”

I followed her in and picked up a willow sapling that had been felled by a woodland creature of some sort. I t was light and only needed to be trimmed a little, but I did so while following Lupa at a sedate pace. Once I had gotten it to the point I could use it as a walking stick, Lupa surged forth and I followed quickly, trying to save energy while maneuvering through the thick underbrush. I was glad that I was wearing proper trousers by the time we stopped, seeing as how they were torn and snagged by a few patches of briar and a couple nettle plants here and there. The big black wolf was standing at attention, her gaze on a point somewhere in the distance. I knelt down and looked with her, spotting what she had brought me to see.

There was an encampment of snake like men, slithering about deeper into the forest. I looked at Lupa and wished that I had my knives with me, the only viable weapons I owned. Unfortunately, I had a stick. A nice stick, mind you, but a stick nonetheless and I highly doubted that it was going to do bugger all if I had to deal with those fellows in the way I thought we were. I pointed in their direction and whispered ‘bad?’ to Lupa, cocking my head and she lowered her and waved it side to side before following them. I followed her in turn, trying to stay low and out of sight, just in case the worst possibility came into reality.

We tracked the Naga like beings for hours, only stopping when they did. I saw them eat a diet of fish and what I believed to be nightshade before they continued on each time, which worried me. I wasn’t an alchemist or an expert of poison by any means, but I knew that at the rate they were eating the little black berries that came from the purple flowered plants, they should have been dead ten minutes after the first break they’d taken. That worried the fuck out me, since it meant that I would have to find something else to use as a means of engagement. I was dreading the moment when we got to where ever we were heading.

The Naga left our field of vision some time later and I could see smoke rise from above the treetops. I was rather curious by now, since there was plenty of it, so I stayed behind Lupa as we kept on, staying in the brush as we observed the clearing that they had either made or found. What I saw was quite intriguing: The Naga had built a small hamlet that was vaguely similar to that of American Indians in the olden days, with wigwam-like structures dotting around the encampment and one longhouse taking center stage in the middle of the assortment. They were are rather well made with uniform branches forming support, with what seemed to be clay at just about every joint. The buildings were robust, yet complex, bound with fine plant fibers that were evidently strong enough to hold them together well, and there were more branches with leaves interweaved in between the support beams that I assumed were there to help keep rain and the like out. These people were crafty, at least somewhat intelligent. That filled me with a bit of hope.

Lupa started walking into the hamlet with a spring to her step. She didn’t seem scared at all, so I followed her in and hoped that it wouldn’t end with us getting killed because we hadn’t thought this through. I knew she was smart, but I was highly doubting her intelligence on this one, even though I knew she wouldn’t lead me somewhere to die. Hopefully.

We, or rather, I, was stopped immediately by a hulking mass of reptile. His dark grayish green scales didn’t shine or really reflect light, seeming to draw light in and keep it there. His face was far from human, and there were remarkably few features to go along with it other than a few discolorations of the scales around his eyes and mouth. His ears were nonexistent at least from my view which was a good thirty centimeters down, which meant that if I had continued to look forward, I would be staring at his chest, which had two odd bumps that resembled pectorals, but like that of a body builder rather than a normal persons. I looked up at the behemoth and almost quaked in my boots, but I put on a brave face.

I waved. “Hullo.”

“Who are you?” A booming voice asked.

“My name’s Max. I’m a human visiting a pony town nearby.”

“Why are you here?”

I pointed at the hulking mass that was Lupa, though she seemed much smaller when compared to the massive creature in front of me.

“My companion brought me here. I don’t know why.”

“The Otsoa is a friend here. You are not.” It’s voice was beginning to strike me as being more feminine than masculine, but I doubted that it really mattered in the moment.

“How would I become a friend, then? I don't wish you, or your people any harm. I’m actually pretty sure that I couldn’t hurt your people, if they are all built like you.”

“Your words are not enough. Leave.” Lupa growled and the Naga turned around to look at her.

“Be that as it may, he is not welcome here.” She replied to Lupa. How she understood what she was saying, I do not know.

Lupa barked twice. “He is?”

Another bark.

“So it was you two that killed the Kobolds. We had an agreement with them.”

“They raped the corpse of a pony. I couldn’t let them live on knowing they would defile someone else if they were given the chance.”

“We were not aware of their actions.”

“I’m sure you weren’t.” I said skeptically.

The Naga levelled a glare at me. “We would have exterminated them ourselves if we had known. Such evils are not permitted on our land.”

Lupa barked. “You have no proof that it was you that killed the Kobolds. We may not have liked them, but we still had a blood pact with them, and that lack of proof is the only reason you’re still allowed to leave alive.”

“So purging necrophiliacs and murderers from your home is a disservice to you?” I scoffed.

“Killing those we have an understanding with is.” We were beginning to draw a crowd.

“What could the Kobolds even provide you? Shit and piss in jars? Hunting outposts where you can rest while watching over your shoulder so you don’t get stabbed in the back?”

“I said that!” A voice called out from the crowd.

“Silence! Would you dare challenge my judgement, stranger?” The Naga drew itself to its full height.”

“If you make bad calls, then yeah, I would.” I lowered myself and prepared to smash and dash. Lupa stood by my side, and got ready to pounce.

An older looking fellow slithered forth on his tail and came up to inspect me.

“The small creature has a point, Buruzagi. Many of our people were against an alliance with those foolish creatures, and from what we have heard, they deserved their deaths. This one has done us a favor.”

“Honored Elder, your words hold wisdom.” Buruzagi acquiesced. “I, however, do not agree. This ‘Max’ has insulted my husband’s judgement, and my own.”

“Then fight him. Whoever wins is correct.” The Elder shrugged.

“I’m pretty sure she would kill me without trying.” I replied.

“I may.” She smiled evilly.

“I surrender. I stand no chance of beating you, and fighting you in the first place seems like a good way to get killed.”

The Elder crossed his arms and nodded. “I was sure that you would accept. A man should not be so quick to cede his word.”

“A man should not be so quick to cede his life over such paltry matters. I am happy to let Buruzagi have the victory if it means I don’t get my arse kicked up and down this clearing. I’m sure saving her honor means more to her than winning a fight.”

“How would defeating you save my honor?” She asked.

“Hold out your arm, will you?” She complied and I stood next to her, doing the same with mine. “Do you see the difference? I’m about half your size with a good bit less reach than you. Plus, you’re taller and more skilled. Where’s the honor in defeating someone smaller, weaker, and less experienced than you?”

The crowd around us chuckled and my pride ached, but I had avoided being killed for the time being.

Buruzagi coughed. “I had not thought of that.”

“Rarely does anyone think twice about an easy victory.”

“You are wise for someone so young, if your voice is anything to go by.” The Elder stated.

“Well, I’m only about twenty one, though I haven’t really cared about it for a while. I’ve seen my fair share of my world.”

“Your world?” The Elder asked.

“Yes, I’m not from this world. I come from a planet called Earth, and a country called England.”

“Earth as in ‘dirt’?”

“Yes, I know it’s silly, but I didn’t name it that.”

“You are an interesting creature, Max. Perhaps we could persuade you to join us for a while longer?” Buruzagi looked surprised but said nothing.

“I thought I wasn’t welcome here.”

Buruzagi spoke. “It is rare that we have visitors that do not wish to fight.”

“I can’t imagine that you get many that would want to. All of your are frankly terrifying.”

“Thank you, that is quite the compliment.” The Elder brushed his claws against his face.

“...Yeah. So how about I tell you of my world in exchange for safe travels around these parts of the forest? I can’t say there’s much I ever do around here, and without Lupa, I doubt I could find my way back, but it never hurts to have more friends.”

“That title is not given lightly around here.” The Elder explained. Lupa barked and he nodded.

I looked between them. “I’m sorry, I can’t understand her. What did she say?”

The Elder looked surprised. “I forgot that non-Naga races are not able to understand the dialect of most creatures. You know, if you eat more Hizketan Baia, you will be fine.”

“Please don’t tell me those are the berries from the purple flowered bushes.”

He laughed. “No they are not. Those are the Nightshade, you would die if you ate them!”

“I know, that’s why I was hoping that they were different things.”

“They are indeed. We give the Hizketan to our spawn, but we have not had any for a few years now. You are welcome to our supplies. A few of your tiny handfuls should do just fine.”

“So you’re saying that if I eat those, I’ll be able to understand Lupa?”

“Is that the name you have given her? Because she has told us that she prefers Nashoba.”

Lupa barked twice. “Nevermind. She likes the name you have given her.”

“I was hoping she would. It’s a name with a lot of history behind it.”

Lupa’s ears perked up and The Elder seemed interested as well. He extended a clawed hand to the longhouse. “Please, tell us of this history inside. We of the Gose Baso tribe welcome you.” He started off towards the longhouse and Buruzagi followed him Much of the crowd had dissipated save for a few, so it’s not like I was being watched by damn near everyone now. I looked to Lupa and she met my gaze, leaving me behind as she went to dog their nonexistent heels. I accompanied her after a moment.

The inside of the longhouse was rather impressive, with earth toned mud walls keeping the wind and rain out. There were intricate drawing that told stories of past hunts and battles that started from one end and petered off about halfway through, but I was sure that it was an ongoing work. I looked around some more and saw that they had two fire places, one on each side, that gave the structure a woody, smoky smell that I rather enjoyed. The largest Naga I had seen spread wood chips on each of the fires and added logs to them. I assumed the chips were what gave the fire such a pleasant smell, but I had to note that it was fucking HOT in here. So much so, I nearly began sweating just from stepping in, but seeing as how I had been invited in, I didn’t really want to snub them for fear of being disrespectful.

The Elder and Buruzagi were sitting on their coiled tails near the leftmost fire, so I joined them there, sitting crossed legged on the ground.

“Alright, so where do we start?” I asked.

“Wherever you feel you should. You could start with a bit about yourself.” The Elder stated.

“Well, I don’t know if you want to know much about the life of a former thief.”

“Thief?” He asked incredulously.

“Yeah, when I was twelve, my mother died after killing my father, and I had no other means of taking care of myself. No family that would look after me, no desire to be put in the foster care system, no kindly strangers that came across a skinny, downtrodden soul. Nope, I took to stealing to feed myself, then I took to stealing to make money so I could pay my own way to feed myself. Don’t misunderstand; I took food from those with plenty to spare, so no one went hungry because of my actions, and I stole baubles from those that had enough to feed a small army, so they wouldn’t miss them. I wasn’t just stealing for satisfaction; I was doing it because I had no other option.”

“We do not like thieves around these parts.” Buruzagi’s tail began to uncoil.

“I figured. I’m not a thief any more. I’ve a better way to make a living than that.”

“And what might that be?” She asked testily.

“I do the occasional job for Princess Luna or Celestia. They pay well, so I don’t have to steal. One of the jobs they sent me on is actually the reason I ended up exterminating the Kobolds. One of them was terrorizing a small town and I was trying to track it down when I came across four of them defiling some poor woman’s body. I don’t know how or when she died, but they were doing something unforgivable in any case, so I may have gotten a bit upset and tracked down as many as I could and destroyed them. It was actually kind of fun.”

The Elder bellowed out a laugh. “Indeed! What was it you were saying about striking down a weaker foe?”

“In fairness, they were about my size and the only advantage I had was Lupa and a few decent knives. They had numbers on me in spades.”

“I suppose a Kobold would be a good match for a creature such as you, but that does not make any sense; if they were your equals, how did you manage to slay them so easily?” Buruzagi asked.

“Well, Lupa was a big help since she drew a lot of their attention, but I’m rather fast and I liked to study anatomy and acupuncture when I was younger. I know where the veins lie, and where the organs hide. It helped me a lot whenever I got into a scuffle, but it’s useless without a weapon to help back it up for the most part. I doubt it would ever work against a Naga, anyway, what with your muscles and scales.”

“It would not. Blows that would fell a Kobold would merely serve to infuriate a Naga!” Buruzagi bragged.

“Be that as it may, if we held such information for the nuisances of Gose Baso, it would be easier to slay the beasts. A little more skill when hunting could not hurt.” The Elder added.

“What does that mean, anyway? Gose Baso?”

“In your language, it means ‘Hungry Forest’. Many of the creatures here prey upon each other, unlike the Lasaia Baso, the Quiet Forest. They may touch each other, but they are so vastly different.”

“We call them the Everfree and Whitetail Woods respectively. I actually live rather close to the Whitetail Woods, so if you ever need something that I can provide, feel free to say hello.”

“Our tribe would not trouble you for matters we ourselves could handle.” Buruzagi huffed.

“But you never know. I have a way with the ponies and a crafty mind. I could come in handy some time. I’m not trying to tell you what to do, just offering my services, should you need them.”

“So you are offering your friendship to us?” The Elder asked. “Even after your earlier disagreement?”

“If Lupa trusts you, I trust you. She tends to be a wise wolf.” She licked my cheek and I wrapped an arm around her.

“...Please tell me you are not bedding the wolf.” Buruzagi asked flatly.

“You fucking what, mate?”

Lupa barked.

“She denies that.” The Elder elaborated. Lupa barked twice more. “She says you are quite promiscuous though.”

“Shut up Lupa!” She pushed me over and licked me. “Alright, alright, bugger off!” She let me up.

“It would seem that she is more your master than you hers.” The Elder idly commented.

“I’m not her master. She may consider that of me, but she is and will always be my equal.”

“Nashoba does not agree, but it is good that you do not see her as a mere wolf. I’m sure you’re aware that she is quite intelligent.”

“I am. There’s definitely more to her than meets the eye, and I can’t wait to learn some of her secrets for once.” I gave her the side eye and she looked at me intently.

“We will provide the Hizketan Baia to you before you make you departure, but we must warn you that we do not know whether or not they are poisonous to your kind. We have seen some animals eat them freely, others die after moments. Some have odd reactions, but we do not understand them well enough to warn you of their dangers, so if you have a healer in your town, we suggest that you have them examine them.”

“I’ll do that. Can your kind eat them freely?”

“We cannot. We have stories of spawn that became too fond of their taste and ate many, turning wild themselves. Our tribe believes that it is a matter of the spirit, and that the Hizketan Baia alters the spirit in a way that allows us to commune with the intelligent creatures. These will not allow you to speak to the average creature, but it will allow you to speak to those such as Nashoba.”

“I look forward to it. I never get to perform enough experiments that risk my life so I can talk to animals.”

“Your humor is odd. What manner of creature did you call yourself?” Buruzagi asked.

“I’m a human. How about I get to that, since it’s actually interesting?”

“You are already interesting, human. It makes me curious as to what your people are like.”

I spent the next few hours telling them of as many details as I could remember. Everything from our food to our entertainment, our clothes and culture, and, when properly motivated, how we did the no no cha cha. It was a strange thing, talking about how humans had sex with a pair of giant snake people, but if they wanted to know, modesty wasn’t going to dissuade me from answering their questions. They explained that Naga treat sex as a sacred thing, only performing it when there’s a full moon which often leads to pent up males and irritable females, but neither of them could explain why it was such a special occasion. They also said that Naga were very polygamous, preferring not to be held down to one mate, though if two fell in love and denied advances or won challenges from three suitors , that they were left alone come the time of the full moon. I found it to be a bit on the odd side, but it wasn’t really my place to judge. Buruzagi not so subtly hinted that the next full moon was coming soon and that I would be welcome to join them if I felt the desire, but I politely declined, citing my preference to knowing people before I slept with them, and the orgy of cold, scaly fuckers really didn’t sound that appealing in any case.

Night fell and the warmth of the longhouse was nice, but the moment we went outside, the sudden drop of temperature had me coughing up a storm. I felt some warm fluid on my hand and ran back into the longhouse to see what the fuck it was, but it was not red. In fact, it was black and quite scary considering I don’t make a habit of inhaling black things. The Elder told me that it may have been the smoke from the fires since most of the buildings were poorly ventilated, but I was still quite worried, so I made it clear that I wanted to get home and find a doctor. He held me for a while longer so we could get the Hizketan Baia, and he sent me away with a jar full of them. I couldn’t see what exactly they looked like since it was so dark, but I thanked him anyways and followed the escort he had detailed back to the Whitetail woods.

The fellows didn't talk all that much, but what they did say was that if I needed to find my way back, that I should follow the trail we were on. Once we got back to familiar territory, they started breaking down branches so I could find the entrance to the path and I thanked them. I’d have to visit them again some time, but it had been a bit strange to meet them so suddenly. I had spent the day with them and had forgotten about the bullshit that was waiting for me in Ponyville, so I was rather happy anyways. I would save eating the Hizketan Baia for the next day when I could have Twilight look over them, but for the time being, it was a good moment to get some much needed rest.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I got to wake up on my own the next morning, which was quite nice. What wasn’t nice was the fact that I walked into my living room and found all five of my friends and Cuntie chilling in my living room. I glanced up at my cock and it told me it was around noon, so I guess they weren’t here at a bad time, though I was only wearing some drawers and a T-shirt which made the situation awkward. They all stared as I slowly backed into my room to put some trousers on.

I came back out and greeted them properly.

“Hullo girls. What’s with the breaking and entering?”

“Dude, why weren’t you wearing pants?” Rainbow asked.

“It’s my house. If I say I don’t want to wear pants, I most certainly will not.”

“As fascinatin’ as your wardrobe situation is, we wanna talk to ya about what happened with your journal.”

“It was an extreme invasion of my privacy, a slap in the face, and the most disrespectful event I’ve witnessed while in Equestria, and I've spoken to both of the princesses. Me. Anyone else want to add something in?”

Cuntie sagged deeper into my loveseat, her hair straight as an arrow.

“Max, you know she didn’t-” Rarity started.

“Great, I’m going to have to burn my loveseat now. I don’t think any amount of washing is going to get that kind of defilement out of the fabric.”

“Loveseat?” Twilight asked.

“Look, she didn’t-” Rarity began again

“I was rather fond of that loveseat. I guess once it’s covered in trash, it’s just not worth it any more now is it? Is there another furniture shop in town? I don’t believe I’ve seen one.”

“That’s not nice.” Fluttershy said quietly.

“That’s accurate.” I replied.

“You know Cuntie didn’t mean to hurt you, she just thought it was a prank.” Twilight started

“How would you feel if I started scribbling in your books Twilight?”

“I would be upset, but I would forgive-”

“No, no, no. I don’t mean your collection, I mean books you yourself wrote. Books that you poured your heart and soul into, something that you put nearly every waking thought and deepest feelings into. How would you feel if someone uncovered your deepest darkest secrets just for laughs?”

“I-I…” Twilight shut up.

I leaned against the wall. “Any more questions? Any more observations?” I reviewed the women in the room.

“Seriously? Nothing?”

Applejack spoke up. “There ain’t no point in talkin’ to ya while you’re like this, Max. No pony wants to risk you layin’ into ‘em.”

“I won’t lay into my friends, not again. Two nights ago, how mad was I at you, Applejack? Did I lay into you then?”

“...Ya took a pretty sharp jab at me.”

“Which is thirty nine less than I normally would have.”

I looked at her until she looked away. “You know, what I don’t understand is how you all can be friends with someone so sneaky and conniving. Someone who’ll smile in your face as she’s stabbing you in the back while knowing that you’ll bend over backwards to forgive her. I don’t understand how you can be friends with someone who looks like a twelve year old, acts like an eight year old, and tries to fuck anything that moves-”

“Max that is ENOUGH!” Rarity stood and faced me. “You have no right to say those things about Cuntie, despite what she’s done! You can’t continue like this , snapping at every pony who wrongs you just because you can-”

“Don’t you even fucking start, you lying cunt! Don’t think I forgot that bullshit you tried to pull! You will never be a good enough liar to fool me, and that little bullshit you pulled was so paper thin, I knew from the moment you opened your gob you were sayin’ bugger all, and I’m so fuckin’ disappointed in ya I don’t even want to look at ya, so why dontcha take yer bullshit right the fuck outta my house.” My inner Chav was being released and the pimp hand was warming up..

“This is exactly what I mean! You get so angry and say such terrible things to ponies who want nothing but good things for you! If you weren’t so busy being a selfish, hateful stallion, you could see that ponies make mistakes!”

“Mistakes? Ya think I give half a damn about yer little bloody mistakes!? I don’t care half the time, but when ya cross lines and play the fuckin’ victim like I’m the bloody one who started takin’ shots in the first fuckin’ place, then I got a goddamn problem with that! So fuckin’ what? What do ya fuckin’ want from me, ‘cause you already know I ain’t one a’ ya bloody ponies, so you can shove you posh little attitude up yer rotten twat!”

“Max, calm down.” Applejack got in between myself and Rarity.

“Calm down!? How bout ya take that dosey pillock and roll over, the lot of ya! See if I give a rat’s arse about whatcha do!” I opened my mouth to yell some more, but Applejack had taken my shoulders in her hands and was staring into my eyes.

“Calm. Down. We don’t gotta talk no more, okay?”

My chest was heaving, but I cooled off quickly. recognizing that Applejack was just trying to diffuse the situation.

“And another thing-” Rarity started to speak again, but her mouth was clamped shut with purple magic.

“You too, Rarity. I hate seeing my friends argue like this.” Twilight looked at her and Rarity relented, taking her outside. Cuntie had disappeared along with Rainbow sometime during the shouting match and now it was just Applejack, Fluttershy and I.

I grabbed Applejacks hand and held them between us, looking down at them. She held mine firmly and pursed her lips to the side.

“You must be mad at me too.” She said softly.

“Not anymore. I was upset, but there’s a reason I asked you and not Rarity or Rainbow where my journal was.”

“Is it the honesty thing?” She asked even softer.

“That’s a part of it, but if you didn’t want to answer, you would’ve just stayed quiet instead of flat out lying to me. No, I’m trying to say that I trust you, Applejack. You wouldn’t steer me wrong.”

“I don’t know how to take that as an insult, so I guess I can only say thank you.” She gave me a little smile.

“You know, if it had been just about anyone else, they would’ve gotten shoved so I could keep arguing.”

“What about Fluttershy?” We both looked to her and she hid behind her hair.

“Shoved.”

“Rainbow?”

“Shoved.”

“Twilight?”

“Shoved for a different reason.”

“What reason is that?”

“Magic is bullshit and she uses it too often against me.”

“That’s not the best reason.”

“It’s good enough for me. Just take the compliment, will you?”

Applejack pursed her lips and looked around. “So, what if it was Celestia?”

I didn’t even have to think about it. “Kissed and then shoved.”

“How the hay are ya gonna kiss somepony then shove ‘em?” She asked, bewildered.

I leaned in and kissed her, then hooked my foot around her leg and pushed her, making her land flat on her ass. I offered her a hand up.

“Like that. You shouldn’t set yourself up so easily, love.”

Applejack took my hand and pulled me down with her. “And you shouldn’t be pushin’ mares that can do that” She got to her feet and I followed soon after.

Fluttershy was still sitting on my sofa, watching us, though there was something in her gaze that made me curious.

“What’s up, Fluttershy?”

“H-How can you go from shouting and yelling to being happy and j-joking around?” She asked.

“Well, the scum that was on my loveseat fucked off and the liar went away, so my two biggest problems aren’t here right now. Plus, have you had Applejack gaze lovingly into your eyes before?” Applejack slapped the back of my head and I rubbed it. “Sorry, I meant have you ever been creepily stared at while angry?” She swung again and I ducked.

"The liar bit is rich, comin' from you, Max." Applejack smirked.

Fluttershy just looked at me. “You don’t make any sense…”

“Would you rather me stay mad and sucker punch Applejack so I can keep making everyone in the room feel like shit? Because that was pretty much the alternative.”

“I only gave ya that one freebie ‘cause ya were drunk, sugarcube. Try it again and I’ll hit back.”

“Does that include kisses? Because if that’s the case, you owe me one.”

Applejack rolled her eyes and Fluttershy giggled.

“Can I get either of you anything? Tea, coffee, a bite to eat?”

“I could use a cup of coffee.” Applejack said.

“I’d like a cup of tea, please.” Fluttershy added.

I prepared both and chatted with them a while longer, which was nice. I was still quite upset, but tried not to let on that I wanted nothing more than to track Rarity down and yell at hr some more. We caught up on the general inanities of life that had taken place since we’d last talked, though it was mostly Fluttershy going on about how her animals were doing. I now thought it was less crazy for her to talk to her animals since I had seen the Naga actually carry on a conversation with Lupa, and speaking of them, apparently neither had ever heard of the Naga, despite them living so close, which I found to be interesting. I had had plenty of coffee as I was sitting between them and had to use the restroom once or twice, and the last time I went, I found them suddenly ceasing a conversation as I walked back in.

“I washed my hands, I swear.”

“Riiight. Have a seat, Max.” Applejack patted the space between them.

“I’d rather stay standing, thank you. Better for the blood flow, it is.”

“Please, Max?” Fluttershy asked sweetly, batting her eyelashes at me.

It was quite suspect, but I didn’t think either of them were going to do anything too bad, so I sat and waited.

“So… I’m sitting.”

“You sure are.” Applejack said far too brightly.

“Mmhmm!” Fluttershy hummed.

I sat and twiddled my thumbs. “Well…” I rubbed my neck.

“So, Max. How would you feel about spending some quality time with Fluttershy and I?”

“I’m perfectly fine with that, but weren’t we already spending some quality time together?”

“Well, we’re not talking about right now,” Fluttershy clarified, “but maybe later tonight.”

I looked at her. “...What kind of quality time are we talking about.”

“Not that kind! We just want to know if you’d be up for some platonic cuddling!” Applejack explained.

“So you’re not asking me for a threesome?” I inquired.

Fluttershy lit up. “N-No! I know you’re not interested in me like that…”

I didn’t know how to respond to that, so I stayed silent, but Applejack did not.

“I honestly don’t see why not. If I swung that way, I’d be all over ya, Fluttershy. You’re a real pretty mare.”

The buttery mare stroked her hair. “T-Thank you, but I don’t think Max feels the same way.”

“Yeah, see, I’m gonna stop you girls right there. You’re fifteen years too late to try and corner me like this. The next thing you’re going to say,” I turned to Applejack, “is something along the lines of ‘I sure wonder why that is.’ and then Fluttershy will respond with ‘I don’t know, maybe we could ask him?’.”

They both found great interest in my home decor after that. I sighed.

“Look, if you want to know, just ask me to be honest with you.”

Applejack and I looked to Fluttershy who tried to hide. AJ rolled her eyes. “Gee, Max, do you find Fluttershy attractive?”

“Of course I do. She’s hotter than a twenty meter tall bonfire and twice as nice to look at.”

“So why don’t you want to sleep with me?” Fluttershy asked quietly.

“I never said that I didn’t want to, I just said that I didn’t want to be in a romantic relationship with you.”

“Has that changed?” Applejack asked.

“It hasn’t even been a month. I’m more surprised that it’s still an issue. I thought we were fine being friends.”

“W-We are, but I-I…” Fluttershy tapered off.

Applejack just spelled it out for her. “I think what Flutters is tryin’ to say is that she wants an agreement like the one we have.”

“Fluttershy?” I asked gently. “Is that what you want?”

She nodded.

“Then I need to hear you ask.”

“M-Max-”

“No, not like that. Take a deep breath, poppet.” She did. “Look me in the eye.”

Fluttershy turned to me, struggling to maintain eye contact. I took her hands and squeezed them and her eyes flicked downwards.

“Up here, please.”

It took her a moment, but she peeled her eyes away.

“Now, is there something you want to ask me?”

She took another deep breath. “Max. I love you.”

I was fucking floored.

“What?” Applejack asked from behind me.

“I think Fluttershy just told me she loves me.” I answered.

“That’s what I thought I heard. I’m just gonna take a quick walk.” Applejack went to stand.

“Wait!” Fluttershy cried. We both looked at her.

“I know you don’t feel the same way, but I… I just want you to know that and I don’t think it’s going to change anytime soon but I still want to be with you and I don’t want to lie to you and let you think that if we did enter an agreement that I just suddenly started feeling this way even though I just told you, and I know that you’re not the best stallion and I’m ready to accept that, but I still want to try being with you and I promise I won’t push you to change like I was and I’ll respect your privacy and-”

I put a finger on her lips to forestall any more of her rapid fire talking. “Fluttershy, that is the most I’ve ever heard you say in one go. Breathe.”

She started hyperventilating, so I cupped her face in my hands gently. “Breathe slower.”

It took her a minute or two, but she finally managed to calm down.

“Are you sure I can’t take that walk?” Applejack asked nervously.

“Please don’t!” Fluttershy squeaked.

“Alright, sugarcube.”

I coughed a couple times. “So… You know I’m a proper knob, yeah?”

“I-I don’t know what that means…”

“It means I’m mean on my good days and worse on my bad ones. What you saw earlier with Cuntie and Rarity were very good examples.”

“Who’s Cuntie?” Applejack asked.

“The pink cunt.”

“...That’s not very nice, Max.” Fluttershy stated.

I spread my hands and lifted my brows. “See what I mean? I wasn’t even trying and I’m still a prick.”

“He’s right, Fluttershy. Ya gotta have a thick skin to deal with him most days. Hay, even some of his compliments sound like insults.”

“I know what I want! You can’t change my heart on this!” She whispered. I’d say she shouted, but with her, there’s not much of a difference.

“I’m not trying to dissuade you, just warning you. We’ll see how this goes, but don’t say I didn’t give you a proper heads up, poppet.” I couldn’t turn her down in good faith since I had seen the better side of her, but I was still nervous about ruining our friendship.

“Thank you Max! You won’t regret this!” Fluttershy beamed at me with tears in her eyes and latched onto me, which I hoped wasn't an omen.

I returned her hug after a moment, but when she didn’t let go, I looked to Applejack for help and she just looked worried.

“Fluttershy?” I asked.

“Yes?”

“Can you let go, please? My ribs are creaking.”

She pulled away with a blush on her face and a smile on her lips, which made me rather nervous. Fluttershy folded her hands and looked at me.

She didn’t say anything. It was weird.

“Hey Fluttershy, why don’t we go check up on Rarity? I think Max here is gonna be just fine.” Applejack offered me an out, for which I was extremely grateful.

“Oh, I guess we could.” She didn’t look to happy about that, but she rose to join Applejack anyway. I saw them out and went to take a few shots to steady my nerves.

I was stressed the fuck out, and didn’t really want to worry them, so I had kept it to myself. It didn’t help that Fluttershy’s confession of love had blindsided me to high heaven and that Applejack had seemed upset about the ordeal, both of which were weighing on me. I couldn’t talk to Lupa because she was nowhere to be found, so I decided to get on with my day and go talk to Twilight so she could analyze the Hizketan for me.

I threw on a jacket and got to stepping, Fluttershy running rampant in my mind, and my argument with Rarity irking me to no end. I was quite annoyed by both events, and the only saving grace I had was that Cuntie had gotten the hell out of my house before I had to look at her again, and that was pretty much the highlight of my day so far. Talking with Applejack and Fluttershy had been pleasant, but the latter bit of the conversation had killed my mood something fierce. I suppose being loved should have made me happy, but my previous reservations about a relationship with her still existed, and it didn’t help that Applejack’s presence had made me feel awfully forced into agreeing. While I doubted that it had been Fluttershy’s intention, the effect was still there and that upset me as well, even though I had regretted not giving Fluttershy a chance. I hate being forced into shit, as many people do.

Having arrived at Twilight’s rather irritated and more than a bit salty, I knocked a bit harder than I had intended the first time, but regulated myself for the second two, reminding myself that Twilight hadn’t done anything to me, so taking my frustrations out on her was unfair and more prickish than I wanted to come off as. Spike answered the door with a smile that evaporated forthwith.

“Oh. Hey dude.”

“Hey, Spike. What’s up?”

He glared at me. “You lied to me.”

“About what?”

“You are in a relationship with Rarity!”

“Yeah, but probably not any more. We just had one hell of a row and I’m rather sure she thinks I’m evil.”

“Well you are! You said you wouldn’t lie to me!”

“How would you have reacted if I told you, huh? Would you have accepted that, or would you hate me for trying to let you down softly?”

“I would have understood!” He shouted petulantly.

“Fine. Ask her out. I dare you.”

“I will!”

We stood and he glared at me for a while. “So is Twilight here?”

“If she was, I wouldn’t tell you.”

“So much for being a man. You sound like a cranky crybaby.”

Spike slammed the door and I went on my way to find… Well shit. I couldn’t very well ask Rainbow where Twilight was because she was most likely with Cuntie, and I couldn’t ask Applejack or Fluttershy because they were heading over to Rarity’s, which is where Twilight probably was. There wasn’t much I could do besides go home and fuck around since I had apparently burned the fuck out of the bridge between Spike and I, so what else was there to do while I was in town?

I thought about it as I walked towards town square and it hit me; I could go shopping! I had never really ad the chance to do so in England and it was more of a necessary chore here, so shopping for fun could be an interesting experience. I needed more soap and cologne anyway, now that I had grown tired of smelling like sandalwood all the time. With a destination in mind, I sallied forth and carried on with my afternoon.

I ended up buying some soap that smelled like atypical male cologne and got the matching scented oil to go with it, foregoing the spray variety since I wanted something new. It was a rather musky, heavy scent that I would have to use lightly, but it would do. The rest of the town didn’t hold too much, so I started shopping for a new loveseat at a place called ‘Firefly’s Fantastic Furniture!’. They had some interesting wares, but there was a piece that was slightly larger than my current loveseat that I found myself very fond of, so I bought it and hired some movers to bring it over. They put it on a wagon and I lead them to my place, having them throw out my old chair and bring in the new one. It matched my current layout better than the last one had, and I actually smiled because of it. I hadn’t realized that I cared until I had done something about it and wondered what else I didn’t like about my house. I noticed that the walls seemed eerily bare, so I followed the movers back and went shopping for a few paintings to liven the place up. Unfortunately, there weren’t any specialty stores that held wall decorations like the ones I was looking for in town, but I did find that there were a few scattered about in different shops that were all done by the same three artists. I picked up a frame that portrayed the Whitetail Woods in beautiful, rich blues and bright whites and greys, while another I had purchased was more of a cityscape that was overall lighter and cast mostly in greys and blacks, which was quite contrasting to the generally vibrant tones that plagued Ponyville. Shopping around some more, I picked up a few tasteful wall sconces and some masculine candles that smelled phenomenal to with them.

I went home and realized that I had forgotten to grab hanging nails or a hammer, so out I went to the local hardware store to find some. The layout of the hardware shop made no sense, but I found everything I need eventually, and bought some carpentry supplies so I could start a hobby that I had always wanted to do. Heavily laden with a massive stack of crap, I made my way back home again as the sun was setting. Shopping had actually been fun and I was looking forward to doing it again some time, perhaps with some company.

Setting myself to do the task I had made for myself, I began finding proper places for my painting and decided that the large blue one would go in my living room behind my couch and that the other would go on the wall in front of my bed. I was sure I could have put them in better places, but I liked where they were and didn’t want to mar my walls any further, so I left them where they were and set up my wall sconces on either side of my blue painting. It went well with the general theme of the room, so I went out to my back porch and started making myself a work table. If I didn’t want it to get ruined by the weather, I was going to have to get a tarp or something of the like to cover it, but for now, the skies seemed to be darkening rapidly.

Wait, What?

A dark rainbutt was being pushed directly over my house and I had a sneaking suspicion as to who was doing the pushing of said butt. Now that I knew Pegasi were responsible for the weather, and that Rainbow Dash was the leading Weather Mare, it could be noone other than her that was trying to literally rain on my parade. As the first few drops began to fall, I moved my lumber inside so I could at least save it from getting wet before I put my laquer on it, and wondered why Rainbow was being a twat. I knew not forgiving Cuntie had probably not gone over well with her, but I was still a friend of hers at the moment and hadn’t blew up at Rainbow personally, so I figured that she would just leave me be for a while. When the booming thunder started, I quickly realized that was not going to be the case.

It was a torrential downpour that was likely going to ruin my lawn and porch if I didn’t put a stop to it, but as I looked out of my window to see if I could catch her attention, Rainbow’s signature trail zoomed across the sky toward Ponyville. Oh well, I could deal with a bit of rain.

Fluttershy and Applejack stopped by around eight, and they were both soaked when they let themselves in.

“I really have to start locking that door.” I commented before going to grab them both towels.

“I see Rainbow ain’t too happy with ya.” Applejack called from the doorway.

“I think it’s the thing with Cuntie.” I walked back in and handed both of them two towels apiece. “She’s being rather childish about the whole ordeal, if the storm is anything to go by.”

As if to prove my words, the thirteenth house shaking clap of thunder rolled in.

“Maybe you should just forgive Cuntie and let it slide, just this once.” Applejack suggested hopefully.

“Nope. I already gave her a second chance, and she’s completely blown it. I got a new loveseat, by the way” I pointed to it.

“What happened to your old one?” Fluttershy inquired softly.

“It’s out back, on my porch. Once it dries out, I’m going to have a bonfire.”

“...You’re actually just going to waste a perfectly good piece of furniture just because Cuntie sat on it?” Applejack asked slowly.

“Yup. I follow through on what I say I’ll do. Just be happy I didn’t dropkick her like I said I would. That time I guess I didn’t follow through.”

“Max…” Fluttershy expressed some discomfort and I gave her a bright smile.

“Sugarcube, that’s so petty, I don’t even know what to say.” Applejack seemed awfully disappointed.

“Then don’t say anything about it and come on in! I got a painting and some sconces while I was out. What do you think?”

They cautiously walked in a bit further. “They’re very nice, Max, but I think you’re taking this thing with Cuntie too far…” Fluttershy voiced her opinion.

“No, too far would be going to her flat, cussing her out, and tearing apart her room again just because I feel like it. Why do you girls always take the side of the trespasser?” I asked with a little grin.

Fluttershy gaped. “I-It’s not that! We just...”

“Don’t answer that, Fluttershy, he’s baitin’ ya so you’ll say something dumb. You gotta learn to watch what you say around Max or it’ll bite you in the rear faster than you can blink.”

“I like you, AJ, you’re a smart cookie. I wish you’d stop ruining my fun, but I’m glad you stepped in before I hurt Flutters’ feelings.”

“No problem.you gotta watch what ya say, too, buster. Fluttershy’s more sensitive than most ponies.”

“Eh, so you say. Do you girls want to throw your clothes in the dryer? I’ve got some robes that you can use while you wait.”

“Thank ya kindly. Mind if we use your guest room to change?” Applejack asked.

“It’s all yours, though I don’t see why you would need to. I’ve seen both of you wearing far less before.” They both blushed and Applejack lightly smacked my arm as she walked past me.

“You’re terrible. You know that, right?” She told me, only half joking.

“You remind me every chance you get.”

I made some tea while I waited for them, and put some biscuits on a platter. I had bought them earlier while shopping since they seemed tasty, and I needed some snacks for my guests. I tried one and my assumption had been quite correct, so I sat in my easy chair and waited for my lady friends to come out and keep me company.

They came out of the back room a minute or two later with their clothes neatly folded, handing them off to me for drying. Applejack took up a spot on one end of the couch and Fluttershy on the other, leaving the middle for me again. I took my place and laid back.

“So how have you girls been for the rest of the day?”

“Fine, though Rarity’s still upset with you.” Applejack remarked evenly, taking my arm and resting her head on my shoulder. Fluttershy laid her head on my lap and I let my hand glide through her mane.

“I’m sure she’ll be fine in a few days, she just needs to cool down. It does bother me that she’s often the first to take a stance against me, though.” I remarked

Applejack interlaced my fingers with her and drew a triangle on the back of my hand, which I found very appropriate. “We’ve talked to her, and it’s just that she expects more from ya, Max. She thinks you’re a better guy than you pretend to be, even if you are changing.”

“If I was a better guy, I probably wouldn’t have attacked Cuntie’s self esteem. It takes a lot to earn my enmity for any real period of time, however, and I would like to think you girls understand that.”

“We do, but Rainbow and Rarity think you’re just being cruel for the sake of it, and the nickname you’ve given Cuntie doesn’t really prove them wrong.” Fluttershy replied.

Applejack tapped the center of her triangle and started again. “I get your side of it pretty well. Once bitten twice shy and all that. I don’t remember you ever forgivin’ Cuntie for eavesdroppin’ on ya in the Lock Pad, or for tellin’ me about your past, come to think of it.”

“I never did because she never apologized. That was strike one.”

“So if she apologized for it, would you forgive her?” Fluttershy inquired.

“Hell no. If she can proposition me without ever bringing it up, then she obviously never felt bad about it. The constant propositioning was strike two, by the way.”

Applejack drew a hexagon. “And strike three was the journal?”

“Yup.”

“So nopony else has crossed a line three times with you?” She asked, confused.

“Not without showing remorse each time. I may have had multiple rows with Celestia and Fluttershy,” I pinched the yellow mare’s cheek, “but those were mutual things. I did something that upset them and they let me know, which ended with arguing and once with a kiss.”

Applejack stopped her doodling. “So it’s okay because everypony involved was angry?”

“No, it’s okay because it never went past harsh words. There was no revealing of secrets, no theft, and no personal injury to either party.”

She flipped my hand over and started tapping a beat onto my palm. "You’re an odd one at first glance, but the more ya explain things, the better I think I understand ya. You’re a private fella who doesn’t like to open up to people, but you’ll do it if ya feel you need to. You’re mean at times, but I think it’s more that you’re dedicated to a good joke or that you want people to learn from what you believe are mistakes, rather than just bein’ an ass for the sake of it. How am I doin’ so far?”

“You’re hitting the nail on the head for the most part. Sometimes I am mean for the sake of it, but that’s the culture I was raised into; we take the piss and let it all go, so that’s why I don’t really hold grudges for arguments. That, and if I’m going at it with someone, then they obviously have something on their mind that’s bothering them, so I can’t really stay mad about someone finding a way to get their frustrations out. I’d say it’s an English thing, arguing, but it’s just as British.”

“What’s the difference?” Fluttershy poked my side.

“Well, I’m from the country of England, but Britain is like a small coalition of a few other countries that are on the same island, like Wales and Scotland.”

“Oh, you mean like the island of Whales, Scotchland and Bridleland?” Fluttershy asked.

“...Fucking gross. I guess Scotchland is accurate, though, since the Scots in my world were a bunch of drunks.”

“The Scotch ponies here are famous for their ale, but not for scotch whiskey. They actually get their name from butterscotch. Scotch butterscotch is the best in the world.” Applejack sighed.

“Please don’t tell me you coat apples in butterscotch.” I groaned.

She lifted her head from my shoulder and looked at me. “That may be the best idea I’ve ever heard.”

I shivered and gagged. “Butterscotch is terrible!”

“I like it…” Fluttershy stated.

“So do I.”

“Both of you are sick in the head. Explains why you enjoy my company.”

Applejack rolled her eyes and laid her head back where it had been. “You say that like ya have no self confidence, but I think we know better.”

“No, you’re actually right on that to a point. I have the odd problem of I’m the coolest sentient being on the planet while simultaneously hating myself to the core.”

“How do you even manage that?” Applejack scoffed.

“A beautiful balance of self loathing and narcissism. What about you, Applejack? What do you think of yourself?”

“Well, I think I’m just your average-” I chuckled, “What’s so funny?”

“You are certainly not average, but please, continue.”

“As I was saying, just an average country mare with a big heart, a thick hide, and honesty pourin’ from every pore.”

“That’s pretty true, except for the average part. You might be the most normal of my friends, but none of you are average.”

“...Even me?” Fluttershy asked softly.

“Yes, you too. Average doesn’t describe any of you very well, at least not in my book. Then again, I’m not even from here so I guess my opinion doesn’t count for much on that front.”

“Speaking of your book, is what’s goin’ on right now going into it?”

“Everything goes in there. What I think about what I wake up, what I cook for Lupa, what I did all day and all the conversations I have. Everything.”

Applejack squeezed my hand. “So when you say everything, do you mean in great detail too, or just mentions?”

“I put in a good bit of detail, though there are a few things I leave out. Mostly because I just don’t think they’re terribly important or pertinent to providing an accurate picture of my life. I skip the days where I’m not doing much by just putting what goes on in a paragraph or a few sentences so I don’t get bored if I ever decide to read back through them. One day, I plan on sharing them with Celestia so we can have a laugh or just talk about it.”

Fluttershy sat up. “Why Princess Celestia in particular?”

“Well, it’s Celestia. What else can I say?”

“...Will you ever share them with me?”

“That’s asking a lot of me rather early on, poppet.”

“Well, I want to see you journal too.” Applejack added.

“Not happening, both of you. If I ever feel the desire to let you into my mind, I will, albeit begrudgingly, answer your questions. The only reason I want to share my journals with Celestia is because my days are numbered and hers on not. When I’m dead and gone, I want her to have something to remember me by.”

“That’s real sweet, sugarcube, but kinda depressing.”

“No shit. Dying doesn’t sound like the happiest prospect, but it’s something we all do eventually, save for Celestia and Luna apparently.”

“That’s just the way Alicorns are, I suppose. Nopony’s ever seen one die.” Applejack explained

“No one you know of, at least. How about we get off of this depressing topic and go back to snuggle time? You girls are awfully cuddleable.”

“Well...” They said in unison.

Applejack spoke first. “I got a question, Max.”

“Yes?”

“How much of what we, er, DID, did you write down.”

I felt my face heat up and I scratched at my face.

Fluttershy tugged at my sleeve. “That’s my question too.”

“It’s a lovely night for a walk, isn’t it? Why don’t we kip on over to somewhere this conversation isn’t happening?”

“Max,” Applejack didn’t sound angry per se, “how much detail did you put in there?”

“Well, you see, I consider it a rather important occurrence and there’s a delicate balance-”

“You’re tryin’ to dodge the question and it ain’t workin’. I want to see that part in particular, since it’s me in there. That’s not askin’ too much, is it?”

“Well, I suppose it’s fair, but it’s rather personal.”

“I want to see mine as well!” Fluttershy added.

They were both staring at me with such an intensity that I couldn’t stop fidgeting. Normally, I could have kept a cool head and brushed them off, but they had a right to know what I had written about them in that respect, but I was iffy on sharing my mid-coital thoughts with them. I couldn’t talk my way out of it with both of them sitting there, and I didn’t think my obvious discomfort was going to convince them to leave it be, so I could either tell them both no and leave it at that, or take the risk of letting them see my work.

Fuck me, right?

“Fine, I’ll go get your respective pages-”

“PAGES?” Applejack asked, astonished.

“Well… Yes?”

They traded a look and they both blushed, leaving the three of us doing our best imitations of a tomato.

I walked off quickly and heard them whisper to each other as I left. Wondering just what in the bloody fuck I was doing with my life at this given moment, it took me a good while to sort through my writings and find their individual sections, placing the rest of my pages on my bed so I could organize them when they were finished reading. I was quite anal about how I kept my notes, thank you very much, and I wasn’t going to change that anytime soon. I even had headings on the individual pages so I could keep them in order. Obsessive tendencies aside, I returned to the living room with a very awkward silence awaiting me.

“So… Uh…” I handed each of them a few pages and they looked at my tidy scrawl in shock.

“You write this small and yet you filled three pages.” Applejack gaped.

“Well, there was a lot going on…”I paced back and forth as they began reading, casting furtive glances at me every few moments.

I decided to make myself scarce and went for my liquor and brought out three tumblers, dropping three ice cubes in each and filling them rather high. I know I needed it at the moment. Presenting the glasses to them, they both sniffed the amber liquid and drank quickly, Fluttershy sputtering when she finished hers.

“Why does it burn so much!?” She croaked.

“Because it’s good.” I set the bottle on the coffee table and pulled my easy chair to the other side. “I feel somewhat left out. Do either of you keep a record of some kind?”

They shook their heads and kept reading, their cheeks maintaining the blush from earlier as they read on. Fluttershy began fanning herself a few minutes in and Applejack was crossing and uncrossing her legs, never seeming to keep them one way or the other for very long.

“Hey, Max?” Applejack asked softly, her gaze still on the pages.

“Yes, love?”

“Did Cuntie ever say how far she got in your journals?”

“Yeah, she said she got a little past Fluttershy’s bit.”

Fluttershy looked up and her eyes widened.

“Yeah, that’s part of the reason I was so pissed that she read through it in the first place. Those are very intimate details.”

“I’ll say. I don’t want to repeat any of this to anypony. Ever.”

“Yeah, let’s not do that and keep this to ourselves, yeah?”

“...I had no idea The Princess was doing that during my massage.” Fluttershy murmured.

“I know exactly what you’re talking about, and I can tell you that it was a shock to me as well.”

“It seems like you rather enjoyed it.”

“...So I did.” I drained my glass again and filled theirs while I was at it. I have a full glass policy in my house, and it served me well in such situations.

Fluttershy handed me back her pages first and I put them back in their rightful place while Applejack was still reading. She finished shortly after and I was grateful for the extra reason to leave the room. I sat back down in the easy chair after hiding my journal again.

“So, what did you think?” I asked shyly.

Applejack drummed her fingers on the armrest of the couch. “...I think you’re a very creative fella who has something he needs to do right about now.”

Fluttershy nodded her agreement.

“And that would be?”

I learned what that was very quickly, with no further explanation needed. They asked me to leave our actions out of my journals for the time being, so you’ll find no smut here. I must say, Applejack pushed some interesting boundaries she had previously laid, and I was much happier for it in the end. I can't go into much detail, sadly, but I asked and I was told that I can say that it was a very good night.

If you’re reading this and you’re not me or Celestia, Go Fuck Yourself.

Chapter Eighteen: Capital G
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Eighteen: Capital G

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Chapter Twenty: Is It Me You're Looking For?
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Twenty: Is It Me You're Looking For?

Author's Note

Hey look, I made words!

Rate and Review, leave a thumb and a comment, or do whatever it is that lets you tell me what you think of the story so far.

Stay Cool, Kids.

Edit: Fixed the usual shit. Same old diction and syntax corrections.

Chapter Twenty: Is It Me You're Looking For?

I sailed down the Everfree at noon, the time where the forest was at its calmest. During the dawn hours, the nocturnal and diurnal predators were switching shifts, so I hoped that I would be able to avoid them for a while. My time in the Everfree had taught me much about it, and I had honed my skills to a fine edge so I was confident that if I were to be bothered, I could handle whatever came at me. Sailing went smoothly for about half an hour as I allowed the current to carry me out of the forest, but a few wobbles warned me that something big was coming. I unsheathed the short sword that I had taken from the ruins of the castle and stood on my raft, waiting for whatever was coming to make itself known.

The water parted a little ways ahead of me and up rose a familiar purple scaled beast.

“Why hello there! What brings you to my river?” Steven Magnet asked cheerfully.

“Hull-” I coughed hard, my voice dry and raspy after not being used in a while. “Hullo. We’ve met before, Magnet.”

The serpent coiled closer and looked at me closely, curling his mismatched mustache. “Why, I don’t believe so. I think I would remember- Oh! Yes, I remember you!” He grinned. “My favorite little ape, come to visit me again!”

“Actually, I’ve just spent a month in the Everfree, so if you’d like to point me in the general direction of Ponyville so I can sleep in a real bed, that would be lovely.”

“Oh, don’t say that! Don’t you want to stay and chat for a while?” He batted his eyelashes at me.

“As long as we do so above the water, I have no problem with that. I delivered that crown to Rarity, by the way.”

“I know, she came by shortly after to thank me. Thank you for that, by the way. It’s not often I get a chance to head into Ponyville. Well, I never get a chance, but you know how that is.”

“I really don’t. Why don’t you tell me about it on the way there?”

“Well, if you’re heading to Ponyville, you really should be going the other direction.” He pointed behind me.

“Shit. Just my luck. Would you mind helping me out? A favor for a favor?”

“Of course! Now, you simply must tell me how Rarity is doing.”

I told him of how she and her friends were before my departure and Magnet seemed to eat up every ounce of gossip I could remember, though there wasn’t much. I’d never been much of a gossiper unless it pertained to a job I had to do, so I just told him about the last few things I had done while in Ponyville, who I had to apologize to, and who still needed to apologize to me, not that I cared any more. Spending a couple fortnights away from your friends and lovers really puts things into perspective, like the value of spending time with them and the true worth of getting some.

Steven Magnet towed me along and told me some of his own uninteresting gossip, but he panicked when he quickly ran out. I assured the fellow that there was no need to be embarrassed since there wasn’t much of a social scene in the forest unless you were one of the animals in the Gathering. Speaking of, I found it to be quite odd that I hadn’t come across any of them during my stay in the Everfree, and that besides the odd whispers at night, nothing seemed to be happening there at all. The castle had turned out to be the perfect place to lay low for a while if you were looking to drop off the map. I wondered what would happen to it while I was gone, but with no real desire to return, I would lose no sleep over leaving my temporary home, though I was curious as to just how long it had been there. I was by no means an expert on such matters, and Magnet couldn’t tell me about any other such structure in the Everfree, though he did know about the castle.

I relished the conversation and did my best not to let it lull too long, but my time away from home had gotten me used to saying nothing for days on end, so practicing social niceties were a bit beyond me in my current state. It would be no small wonder if any of the Ponies even recognized me since I had left. My hair had grown longer, needing to be held back out of my face, and I had grown a pretty decent beard that I decided that I was probably just going to shape up rather than shave completely off. My clothes were in tatters from the harsh flora of the Everfree, and even though I bathed bi-daily in the river, I doubted that I smelled terribly pleasant. Steven Magnet was kind enough to only politely inquire about my state, but when I reminded him that I’d been away from civilization for some time, he asked why I hadn’t just hopped in the river and come looking for him. Honestly, I had no desire to see him again, but I didn’t tell the poor fellow that, so I instead went with a viable excuse: If the Everfree was dangerous, why wouldn’t its waters be the same? Steven assured me that he was the biggest thing in the river, but he did have to admit that there were far meaner creatures under the water.

Silence was unallowed. I spoke as many of my observations of the Everfree as I could think of and tried to ask Magnet of his thoughts, but our experiences were too different for either of us to agree to much, although it did keep the conversation going as he towed me further along the river. I wondered if I had anything that might be nice for Magnet to have, so I offered him one of my battle axes and one of my four bottles of wine, both of which he gladly accepted. He put the battle axe on the river bed and immediately drank the wine, though his reaction told me that it probably wasn’t the best idea to keep the rest of my stores. After one comparatively tiny bottle, I had gotten a river serpent rather intoxicated, and Magnet started weaving through the river rather than the relatively straight line he had been maintaining. We still reached the edge of the forest with a bit of time, but Steven lay his head on the bank just as we broke the tree line to rest a bit. Swimming against the current for three hours had taken a lot out of him, and he told me that the wine had upset his stomach quite a bit, an event that I quickly apologized for.

I stayed with him until the worst of his ailment passed and bid him good day before I started back home. I was on the south side of Ponyville, not too far off from Fluttershy’s cabin, but I wanted to get back to my house more than I wanted to see anyone right now, so I set off toward my preferred destination. Walking over flat terrain made me feel strange, and my high stepping gait had to be managed back into something that didn’t account for roots and branches in one's path. The Everfree had changed me in ways that I wasn’t yet aware of, like how I walked and my posture, though rectifying those issues was just a matter of paying attention. I straightened my back and lowered my steps, carrying on normally.

I arrived at my house to find that it had been taken care of while I was gone. After a brief yet thorough examination, I found that all the broken windows had been repaired along with the siding, and that the porch furniture I had bought was still in its rightful place, so with those former problems taken care of, I tried walking in through front door, only to find that it was locked. That may have been something of my own doing, but I couldn’t really remember, so I grabbed the key that I left under a rock nearby and finally entered my home after thirty four days. I stood on the stoop for a moment before entering, taking in the smells of my home, doing my best to commit the moment to memory. It was unnecessary, but I wanted to know what my real home felt like, just in case something along the lines of what I’d just been through happened again. My house smelled faintly of sandalwood, even though I had switched scents to a more masculine cologne some time ago, and I could catch whiffs of cake, vanilla, apples, and grapes on the air from time to time depending on where I stood. Fluttershy, Celestia, Twilight and Applejack had all been in my house at some point, though I couldn’t figure out when for the life of me, so I didn’t think too hard about it and went to grab my journals, winding my watch before I got started. It struck me that I had left my food and other goods lying outside, so before I got started, I went and grabbed them, placing my food, water, and alcohol in the kitchen, and my weaponry on the couch. It also felt like a good time to change clothes and perform other hygiene rituals, at least, after I got the itchy growth on my cheeks tamed.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The sun was setting by the time I got what I could remember put own on paper. During my time in the Everfree I had taken it upon myself to recite what had happened during my first few days orally and to commit the interesting bits to memory whenever I was meditating so that I would have something to write about when I got home. I had forgotten some of the finer details in my conversation with the Watcher, but I was confident that I had relayed the most important parts of my meeting, so I couldn’t be too upset with myself. It had been a month, after all. Once I finished up with my writing, I sent Celestia a note with two words written on it, ‘I’m Alive’. I was hoping for a quick response, but since I hadn’t signed the note, I didn’t believe she knew just who was telling her about their state of living, so I sent another note ten minutes later, and I swear the Dragon Fire jar flashed at me for not waiting for a response. A minute and twenty seven seconds later, Celestia teleported straight into my house and whipped her head about wildly, looking for any sign of me. She had teleported with her back to me, so I used my psychic wizard shit to tap her shoulder which made her spin around.

I lifted a hand. “Wotcher, hun. How’ve you been?”

Celestia ripped me out of my chair with her magic and tried her damnedest to crush me as she wrapped her arms around me. She was quiet as she squeezed my breath out of my lungs, but I was trying my best to return her enthusiasm with a hug of my own. Seeing her had meant much to me, a sign that I wasn’t tripping balls off of some fruit in the Everfree and was truly back home, safe and sound. When Celestia finally released me from her grip, I held on, almost as if I were trying to absorb her through osmosis. In a manner of speaking, if you considered smelling absorbing, I was doing just that.

“Good lord, did I ever miss you, Celestia.” I murmured through her mane.

“Where have you been!?” She asked from my shoulder. I let her go, but took her hands to keep her from getting too far away.

“Got lost in the Everfree for a month or so.” I shrugged. “Fuck that place.”

Celestia lowered her head and looked at me. “...Are you sure you don’t have anything else to say?”

“Haven’t really talked much since I’ve been away, though I did speak with the river serpent that brought me back. That was an awkward conversation.”

She shook her head and gave me a pleading look. “Are you serious!? You’ve been gone, presumed dead again, and all you have to say is that you ‘got lost’!?”

“What else do you want me to say? I’ll tell you of what happened while I was there, if that’s what you’re asking. I’d rather just shut up and have a nap in my own bed with my favorite person, but I can make a few sacrifices.” I brushed my thumb along her cheek. “You will never know how much I missed you.”

Celestia took my hand and held it to her face. “I understand better than you might think. Tell me, what happened?”

And so I spilled the beans. I started with my attempt to find the Naga, the chase through the forest, and my time at the Gathering and ended with an abridged version of how I spent my days in the forest. Celestia gasped when I told her that I had taken up residence in her old home and told me that the pace was haunted to Hell and back, though not in those exact words. I assured her that all was fine, though that did explain the time I found a suit of armor standing outside my door one night. I thought it was creepy, but just blamed Everfree bullshit and went back to bed. When I showed her the weapons, she cast spells on them to check and see whether or not they themselves were haunted, but her search turned up with nothing, and when I showed her the sword and shield that were behind Luna’s throne, her face told me that she wasn’t happy to see the items. She told me that they were the weapons that Luna had once bore against her during her power grab, and that seeing them once more brought up bad memories, though she would take them back to her sister to see if she still wanted them. I felt a little attached to the sword since it had slain my dinner a few times, but relented since it wasn’t truly mine, even though I had used it more than Luna was ever going to in the future. Fucking bitch, stealing her shit back.

“So, I’ve actually been in town for a few hours now.” I idly commented after Celestia told me she was taking my shit.

“...And you waited this long to tell me?” She massaged her temples. “Just how many ponies did you tell before you told me?”

“None. You were the first one I wanted to see after I got cleaned up a bit. I still have my clothes from my time in the Everfree, though they’re out back. When I got through with my shower, I could actually smell what was on them so they will not be staying inside until I can get a load for the washer.” I scratched at my wonderful beard. “I suppose I could just burn them, tough. Not like I’ll ever wear half a shirt and ruined pants.”

“Max, you’ve been back for nearly a day and you haven’t told any of your friends that you’re still alive? Do you, no, can you even comprehend how selfish that is?”

I gave her a sharp look and she winced. “I’ve been stuck in a murder forest for a month. Forgive me for wanting to make myself presentable.”

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.” Celestia avoided my gaze.

“It’s fine.” I patted her leg with my translucent tentacle from a few meters away and she jumped.

“What the hay was that!?” She scrambled and tried to rub off whatever was on her.

I gave her a puzzled smile. “As much as I love watching you dance around, I think you might be even jumpier than me.”

“No, something just touched me! I think you might be haunted, Max.” Celestia seemed worried.

“Maybe it’s just in your head? I haven’t noticed anything.” I waved the tentacle in her face and she blinked a few times.

“I swear I see something. Like heat waves in the air.” She bit her lip and squinted.

I grinned and patted her bottom with my tendril, causing her to jump again. “I’m going to get so much fun out of this.”

Celestia looked at me with her eyes narrowed until she realized the source of the disturbance. “It can’t be… You-”

“Yup. Picked up a tentacle while I was gone.” I walked over and gave her a hug. “Sorry for messing with you, but I wondered if you could see it.”

“If I wasn’t paying attention, I probably wouldn’t have. How?”

“How did I gain this totally radical thing? Dying, but not in the Everfree.” I added quickly. “I just never had a reason to use it before I left.”

“...You’re going to be awful with that thing.” The corners of her mouth twitched.

“Actually, I can make it multiple things . It’s like telekinesis, but more tentacle based. The thing itself is intangible if I don’t give it anything more than a direction to go,” I looked around and put a small candle on the underside of my coffee table. After stepping back with Celestia, I reached out with my mental tentacle and grabbed it through the top of the table and banged it against the underside a few times before bringing it up and over. Unfortunately, I set it down a bit too hard and cracked the glass casing, but thankfully didn’t smash it. “So my control needs some work, but it’s still useful.”

“Is that the only magic you know?” Celestia asked.

“It’s not really magic, more like psychic prowess.”

“If you can’t explain it better than that, I’m still going to call it magic.”

“What if I told you that I was effectively forbidden from having magic by the being that gave the ability to me?” I countered. Not quite true. He just said that He wouldn't give it to me.

She rolled her eyes. “It wouldn’t really matter since levitation and telekinesis are both forms of magic.”

“You suck sometimes. You do it well, but you still suck.”

“I’m the best and you know it.” She grinned.

“Even the best sweepers still suck at the end of the day.” I muttered. “So do you want to spend the night? I would appreciate the company.”

“As much as I would love to, I still have to run a country-”

“Isn’t Luna back from Gryphonia? Trusting her with the day court for a bit would really improve your relationship, if you ask me.”

“I didn’t ask you, and I’ve done so a few times to spend time with you. Neither of us particularly enjoy leaving the other to do our work you know.”

“Understandable, but I’d like to spend as much time as I can with you while I can.” I gave her my best puppy dog eyes. “I’ve been so very lonely in the forest.”

Celestia bit her lip and her eyes flicked downward. “We could spend some ‘quality time’ together, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“... That’s not really what I’m asking, but far be it from me to turn you down.” I kissed her cheek and moved on to her lips.

Things were pleasant from there.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next morning came and I was alone in my bed, Celestia having left at dawn to do her daily duties. I took my time getting out of bed, aching from the softness of a mattress that wasn’t a thousand years old. Celestia had told me that the castle was a remnant from the time when she and Luna had their fight, so it was a bit older than I had originally thought, but that didn’t change the fact that it had been my place of refuge for a month. I started to miss it as I stretched, trying to work out all of the kinks in my muscles.

All of my food was gone, but my icebox still had some water in it so I got a quick drink and started planning out who I would visit first. I ran through my admittedly short list of friends and decided that Fluttershy would come first since she was both my lover and the Lupa’s former caretaker. If my pupper was back home too, that’s where she would be if she wasn’t here, and I needed to let Fluttershy know that I was alive anyway.

I checked myself in the mirror and marveled at the clarity of the tiny scars that crisscrossed my face. I was covered in tiny bites and scratches that had left pinkish lines all over my upper body from where briar and various small creatures had taken their toll, and I wondered if they helped make me look more roguishly handsome. I decided that they did. Feeling naked without my sword, I prepared for the day by meditating on my back porch for an hour, after which I truly began my day and headed over to Fluttershy’s.

I could smell her long before I could see her, though it wasn’t as if she were stinky. In fact, she smelled just as lovely as usual, just further away. I was a good clip from her cabin, but I could already pick up whiffs of her and her various animal friends, a little gift from the Everfree, if you will. I wondered if I could speed up my walking by using my telekinesis to lift myself, a thought that was quickly dashed when I got a meter off of the ground. Walking would do just fine.

Knocking on Fluttershy’s front door, I suddenly heard a ferocious barking from inside which sent me straight into 'Fight or Flight Mode'. I wrenched the door open and ran inside, only to be tackled by Bearett who had apparently been about to get the door. He stood over me with one paw weighing down on my chest.

“Good to see you too.” I wheezed.

Bearett let off and snorted, though he didn’t allow me to rise. “You made the Broodmother sad.”

“You dropped me off in the middle of the Everfree!” I smacked his nose with my power.

“I did not expect you to take so long in your return.” He swiped at his nose and rubbed it.

“You expected me to die you prick! You just left me there!”

The barking sounded again, much closer this time. “We will speak more on this matter. There is someone who wants to see you more than any other.” Bearett let me up.

“Is that person yellow or black?”

Lupa answered that question when she ran into the room, skidded across the floor and came straight for me.

“Whoa, chill!” I said as I dodged her first lunge.

She was preparing for a second go when I raised my hands. “Lupa, seriously, chill before you hurt something.”

“But you’re here!” She barked. “You’re back!”

“I know I’m back, but that doesn’t mean you have to risk ruining Fluttershy’s house.” I walked over and calmly gave her a hug. “I missed you too, Lupa. Next time, let me know before you go off to the Gathering will you?”

She cocked her head. “I may. The Zgon aren’t really supposed to talk about it, though.”

“I understand. Just let me know before you just disappear next time, okay?”

“You disappeared too! Krel said you would have to find your own way out of the Everfree, but I thought that they would eventually help you.”

“Eventually my arse. The only favor the Gathering did me was drop me off at the castle, and apparently that place is evil too.”

Lupa stood on her hind legs and licked my face a few times, abruptly ending our conversation. I guess she was just glad to have me back, though I would prefer it if she had another way of showing affection, other than covering me in slobber. I wiped my face off with her fur during the hug I gave her which probably wasn’t the most sanitary way to do things, but it was her own fault.

“So where’s Fluttershy?” I asked once Lupa let me go. “I can’t imagine that she’s too far off.”

Lupa said nothing and headed for the door, so I opened it for her and followed her out. Our destination turned out to be a tree not too far from Fluttershy’s cabin, but the woman herself wasn’t there. Lupa laid down at the base of the tree, so I sat with her and assumed that we would wait there.

“She’s not on the premises, is she?” I asked.

Lupa yawned and put her head in my lap. “The Broodmother is not here, but she often passes this tree when she returns. This is where we wait for her should we need her assistance.”

“I can deal with that. If nothing else the Everfree taught me the true value of patience. That, and the value of being smarter than your opponent.” I scratched behind Lupa’s ear.

“It is a good place to learn the Old Ways, master. The forest is where I spent the last few years of puppy-hood and learned to hunt more efficiently.”

“So you weren’t born in the Everfree?”

“I was not. The forest is far too dangerous to raise pups, or any young for that matter, if one is not one of the more powerful beings that live there. Manticores and Orthus' may raise young there, but most creatures only use the place to sharpen their fangs so that they may return to their home with more experience. That is the way of the Zgon, at least.”

“But what about the Kendani that live there? Do they breed in that hellhole?”

“They do, but the Kendani will live anywhere there is food or a mate.”

While we’re on the topic of mates, I never did get your opinion on any of mine. Well, besides Velvet.”

“I approve of your choices so far barring the Alpha Female, though my kind prefers to keep our mating to a few. Your kind obviously does not share our values.”

“Actually, humans are mostly monogamous, only keeping one mate for decades. I’ve only started seeing other women here because of Pony society.”

“That is interesting to hear, even if I do happen to think males of all species are largely promiscuous.” Lupa snorted.

“If you want to take it down to the instinctual level, then it’s probably just to spread our DNA around as much as possible, but since I can’t have kids with Ponies, or rather, I hope I can’t, that’s not really my case.”

“So you’re a slut?” Lupa huffed.

“Fuck you.”

“I’ve seen it, you’re too small for me.”

I flicked her ear “Bitch, I will fucking eat you.”

“Who is that threat more realistic with? me or you?”

“Just shut up you mangy mutt. God, I liked it better when I couldn’t understand you.”

“You know I’m the best wolf you’ve ever met.”

“You’re the only one I’ve properly met. Not much in the way of competition there.”

She rolled over on her back. “My statement still stands. Belly rub?”

I mock sighed and started stretching my fingers. “Right back to where we left off, yeah?”

“You’ve got more little lines on you, but yes, if you exclude your constant bickering with your mates.”

“Hey! I don’t bicker with Fluttershy or Applejack that often!”

“You do with the studious horned one, the gross horned one, the smaller two, and the Alpha Female”

“The studious one is Twilight, but I started dating her while you were gone, though she isn’t my ‘mate’ in the way you mean. The smaller two have to be Pinkie and Rainbow, but you weren’t really there for either of those arguments, and Celestia’s a given. I actually love her, so some bullshit in my brain makes me want to squabble with her as often as possible-”

“You know she does not love you as you do her, right?”

I stopped stroking her belly and looked straight ahead. “I know. That’s what I realized after I thought she was using me. Celestia’s warped in so many fucked up ways, and frankly, I doubt she could ever truly give a piece of herself over to anyone, but she’s trying to with me. You see that too, right?”

“I do not, but I know that she does not give off the same scent as Fluttershy when she is around you. There is little love there, but there is plenty of lust.”

I started stroking Lupa’s belly again and sighed. “Again, I know. Not really something I want to think about.”

“You may not want to, but you should. If Celestia does not love you, then you are wasting your heart yearning for one that can only give you her body instead of her soul. Be with the Broodmother; she will treat you as you deserve.”

“I like Fluttershy, but she just doesn’t feel the same as Celestia. We joke and jibe with each other in private, but I know that she’ll balk if I ever try to get her to help me mess with someone directly.”

“Have you ever tried getting her to do some of your silly things?”

“Well, yeah actually. It went pretty well, but it’s not the impromptu hazing Celestia and I can do out of nowhere.”

“Does it not bring its own joy to share moments like those with the Broodmother? All I am suggesting is that you treat Celestia as you do the Broodmother and treat the Broodmother as you do Celestia.”

“Look, it’s just not that easy, no matter how you try and spin it. They’re two completely different people who I feel different ways about. Don’t get me wrong, Fluttershy already has a piece of my heart, but Celestia holds more of it than anyone else ever has.”

Lupa snorted. “You Two-Legs make things unnecessarily complicated. Get yourself a clearing, put on a display, see who likes it. That’s the way it’s done for most Zgon and Kendani, and it’s worked just fine for us.”

“Your society is a whole different thing, though. Where you guys live by your instincts, humans, and ponies, think about things like how an action will affect others, or how the consequences of said action further down the line will affect you. It’s not cut and dry like it seems to be in the animal kingdom.”

“As I said, unnecessary.”

I rolled my eyes and kept on making Lupa a good dog, yes she is, and just enjoyed not being in mortal peril. I assumed that since she hadn’t brought anything I'd said in the past while I couldn’t understand her into the conversation, it struck me as far more pertinent to shut up and enjoy being back. We sat under Fluttershy’s tree for a few hours and chilled out. It was a nice way to spend the morning.

Eventually, Fluttershy came back, and she was looking quite fabulous. She had evidently gone to the hairdresser, if the luster in her mane was anything to go by, and I could smell the perfume she was wearing and whatever lotion she'd applied. I tend not to pay that much attention to beautification products, but smells have a funny way of being recognizable.

I would have risen to greet Fluttershy when I saw her, but Lupa was napping on me and she seemed quite comfy. It didn’t take long for me to pick her up with telekinesis and drop her a foot or so away. Her panicked scrambling was hilarious, but I felt a little bad for doing it. Hopping up to my feet, I thought about calling out to Fluttershy, but I didn’t feel like it, so I followed her back up to her cabin, waiting until she got inside to knock. Once I did, she quickly opened the door.

The look on her face when she realized who it was… It brightened my week.

“M-Max?” She asked tentatively

I gave her a small wave. “Hullo, poppet. Did you miss me?”

She answered by way of glomp and buried her face into my shoulder. “I can’t believe it’s really you!” She said, muffled. She lifted her head and gave me a watery smile. “We thought you left because you didn’t feel like you had any friends left or that you got hurt and lost or that you-”

“Slow down, please.” I gave her a quick peck. “I’ll explain once I get all of the girls together so you can ask your questions then. I really don’t like repeating myself over and over again.”

Fluttershy beamed and went back to hugging me. “I’m just so glad you’re okay!”

“I’m glad I’m okay too, but I’m happier to see you whole and healthy. I worried about you while I was gone.”

“I would ask where you went, but you just said that you don’t like to repeat yourself.”

“Exactly.” I nodded as a thought occurred to me. “Hey, do you wanna help me do something?”

“I-I guess? Yes?”

“Atta girl.”
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“I don’t see what was so important you just had to have us come over. It’s not like you to spring stuff on us like this, Flutters.” Rainbow Dash said irritably.

“While I disagree with her wording, it is rather unlike you to call us all together like this.” Rarity stated. “Why, if you had something to tell us, you could have told me while we were at the spa!”

“I-I know, b-but it’s really important...”

Applejack coughed. “Fluttershy has her reasons, I’m sure. We just gotta wait patiently for whatever her surprise is.”

“Applejack’s right! We know it must be important if Fluttershy asked for a meeting.” Twilight agreed. “

“I just wish it was a party! Wait, is it a party?” I could hear Pinkie Pie’s Cheshire-esque grin from my hiding place upstairs.

“W-Well, kinda? I-I did get some cookies and some tea, but I don’t know if I’d really call it a party.” Fluttershy responded.

“Cookies and tea are all well and good, but how about we make this a real party! Ooh, ooh, we could make it a slumber party!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“I-If you want…” Fluttershy meekly started.

“Pinkie, calm down. If Fluttershy wanted a party with all the fixin’s, she woulda asked. Like I said, we just gotta wait.”

“W-Well, since we’re all here, I guess I can tell you now.”

Time to make my entrance.

“NO WAIT!” I shouted, bolting down the stairs. “I’ll tell them!”

“Who in tarnatio- MAX!?” Applejack yelled.

I gave them all my most winsome smile and put my hands on my hips. “The one and only! I’m not dead!”

After Applejack’s little outburst, things got awfully silent.

“...So no one besides Fluttershy is happy to see me? Well, Flutters and Lupa, but still.”

Twilight shook her head and blinked. “Sorry, it’s just that…”

Rarity glanced over and picked up where she left off. “It’s just that after you disappeared, we tried asking Princess Celestia where you’d gone and she didn’t know. We thought we’d driven you off when we didn’t invite you to the picnic…”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, no, that’s definitely not what happened. I went to go see some friends of mine in the Everfree and got super lost during a chase with an Orthus and with a Manticore.”

Twilight screwed up her face, but Rainbow Dash was the one to speak first. “Dude, who do you know that lives in the Everfree besides Zecora?”

“Lizard slash snake people called the Naga. I was going there to ask them how to hunt or trap game so I don’t have to constantly eat plants.”

“Wait, do you mean that you eat animals?” Applejack asked slowly.

“You guys are herbivores, I’m an omnivore. Deal with it and be glad I’m not dead. Seriously, you’d think I never went anywhere by your reactions.” I crossed my arms.

“It’s kinda like seein’ a ghost, to be fair. I thought you finally kicked the bucket.” Applejack rose and walked over to me. “I’m glad you’re back, but I’m also glad you went away. Gave me a bit of time to figure some things out.” She put her hands on my shoulders and stared into my eyes. “If you ever disappear again, I’m gonna break your legs.” Applejack leaned forward and gave me quite the passionate kiss.

When she let me go, I gave her a smile. “I’d do it again if I get another kiss like that!”

Applejack gave me a flat look and I dropped my gaze. “Kidding, jeez. Take a joke.”

Twilight and Fluttershy came over to stand on either side of Applejack. “It's not a funny one. We really thought we lost you, Max.” Twilight’s eyes welled up with tears, so I took her into my arms and held her for a minute.

“Don’t worry about me too much, love. I’m made of tougher stuff than you think.”

“If you’re made of tougher stuff, then why are you covered in scars?” Twilight asked from my chest.

“The Everfree’s tougher than me. It’s all nicks and scratches, though. I didn’t get seriously hurt or anything, though getting mounted by that Orthus was traumatizing.”

“Dude, you got mounted by a two headed dog?” Rainbow giggled.

“Shut up, Blue Bean, I’ll kick your arse up and down the street for shits and giggles.” I sneered.

“Whoa, what the hay? The first thing you say to me when you come back is a threat!?” Rainbow asked, befuddled.

“I didn’t forget that you threw a goddamn storm at my house, you twat. Oh yeah, Pinkie?”

Rainbow Dash’s eyes narrowed into slits as she prepared to lunge at me.

Pinkie’s eyes were stuck to the floor, but when I mentioned her name, she cringed and looked up. “Yes?” She asked softly.

“You’re forgiven. The damage you caused was repairable, though I want you to promise to never do that or something like it again.”

Pinkie’s hair puffed up and her eyes shone. “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!”

What the fuck was that shit?

“...Don’t you mean ‘cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye?”

I garnered some blank stares for that. “What? It’s how it goes in my country.”

Fluttershy grinned and whispered in my ear. “If your country’s that bad, maybe you should go back to the Everfree.”

“Wait, what did she say?” Twilight asked, letting me go.

“Something absolutely savage that you don’t need to worry about.” I winked at Fluttershy and gave her a thumbs up. “So, Pinkie. To be completely honest with you, you’re starting from zero trust, but you can build it by being reliable or whatever. I can’t really control how much I trust you, but I can control how much I give you, so make of that what you will and try not to piss me off on purpose.”

Pinkie saluted. “Aye aye, captain!”

I turned back to Rainbow who had relaxed a bit. “Don’t wreck my house again and we’ll be cool, though I’m still quite upset about that.”

“It was kind of a jerk move…”

“No shit. That was a very mean thing to do and you should feel ashamed.” I huffed. “Speaking of my house, who fixed it?”

“Why, the Princess of course. She was adamant that something be done, just in case you came back.” Rarity explained.

“Huh. How thoughtful. I knew I liked her for a reason.” I smirked.

Fluttershy grinned again, but instead of whispering in my ear, she went and got snacks. I hadn’t eaten all day, so I may or may not have destroyed the cookies. My manners had taken a hit, but were quickly put back in place once I realized that I had an audience. I was still smarting a bit from the lackluster effect my entrance had, which was kind of souring my mood. I was expecting them to be happier to see me, but I suppose that not being on speaking terms with three of them when I got lost put a damper on that. Still, I was presumed dead and gone; you would think that would count for something when it comes to returning not dead. Maybe it was the fact that I’d already died once?

All deaths or possible deaths aside, it turned out to be a nice night. I ended up getting hugs from Pinkie and, with a little extra time, Rarity, so I was now on pretty decent terms with all of my friends. Rainbow and I would still have to hash things out, but once I forgave Pinkie, Rarity was much warmer towards me, which is exactly what I thought it would take to regain her friendship. Points for a good guess, I suppose.

I spent a lot of the night telling tales from the Everfree, like how the chase with the Orthus actually happened, and how I started taking down predators for food. The girls were awfully squeamish when it came to the more violent parts of my tale, so I learned from my mistake and focused on telling them about some of the flora and fauna from the deeper parts of the forest. Oddly enough, when I told them about the castle, Twilight told me that it was actually the place where they fought and defeated Nightmare Moon, cementing their friendship early on. If we were indeed talking about the same place, then it was quite the coincidence that two elder beings sent us there at different times, and I wondered if the Watcher and Celestia knew each other. I mean, I assume that the Watcher is old, and I know Celestia is, so it wouldn’t be a far stretch for the two leaders to have met at some previous juncture.

The party was soon concluded due to some social exhaustion that I had been battling with since coming down the stairs, but Fluttershy gave me some potent puppy dog eyes and convinced me to stay with her for the night, though I thought they were a bit much since I would have agreed anyway. Her home may not be as wild as the Everfree, but the animals that were out and about made me feel more comfortable, and Fluttershy’s presence in and of itself was comforting after spending so long alone. I would have immediately gone to bed with Fluttershy, but Rarity had stayed behind to speak with me.

Fluttershy headed upstairs to get ready for an extended nap while Rarity and I stood awkwardly at the door. “So what do you want to talk about? I’m guessing this isn’t about missing me.” I asked.

Rarity steepled her fingers and looked at them. “I just wanted to apologize for being… Well, for being a bad friend.” Rarity’s eyes met mine. “I know I was against you in the incident with Pinkie, but after she told us that you agreed to drop that horrid nickname, I looked upon my actions and I did not like the mare performing them.”

“While I both appreciate and accept your apology, I would hate to let you think that I just gave up calling ‘Pinkie’ ‘Cuntie’.”

“...Then why would she say otherwise?” Rarity asked carefully.

“Because I did stop calling her Cuntie, but I utilized an old method of deciding whether or not to drop the nickname.”

She pursed her lips and glared at me. “If you tell me that you flipped a coin, I am going to hurt you.”

“I don’t have to tell you since you already know. That also means you can’t hurt me because I didn’t tell you: you told yourself.” I grinned at her.

Rarity sighed. “I suppose I should have found that suspicious after you were so angry with Pinkie. Your willingness to stop calling her by your mean little name, I mean.”

“I suppose you should have. Is that all you wanted to talk about?”

“Well, there is something else…”

I mimicked her past actions and made a ‘go on’ gesture.

“You’re not making this very easy for me, you know.” She pouted.

“If you just get on with it, I won’t be able to make it hard for you.” I paused for a moment. “That doesn’t sound right.”

“I don’t understand what you’re talking about, but I suppose I could just get it over with now.” Rarity took a deep breath. “I would still like to maintain our agreement, if it’s okay by you. We’ve had a rough patch, as we’re both well aware, but I don’t want to let that impede the progress that we were making before… Well, everything that happened.” She was sporting a blush by the time she finished.

“I see no problem with it.”

“I know you must be upset, but honestly I- Wait, did you just agree?”

“Yeah, I did. Why did you think I would be upset?”

“The way I treated you was so awful! You came by to apologize and I was just so standoffish and bullheaded that I didn’t even bother to consider how you felt! And you were completely right. I did lie to you, and I was wrong for that, but I do hope you understand.”

“I still don’t, but I don’t really care. You’ve been pretty good to me, all things considered, and if you want to keep things moving, then I’m happy to help push.”

“...What?”

“How often do you talk to Apple Bloom?”

“Not very. Why do you ask?”

“No reason, just curious. So when do you want me to sex you?”

Rarity blinked twice. “That’s… That’s not how you word that.”

“Fine, when do you want me to do the sexual to you?”

“I find you less attractive the more you speak.”

“I wonder how long it would take for me to make you lose interest completely.”

Rarity gave me an irritated glare. “Keep it up and it won’t be much longer.”

“Nah, you totally love me, just like Applejack.”

Her eyes went wide and her jaw dropped. “Wait, Applejack is in love with you too!?”

“I think so, but I won’t push the issue. She’ll say something when she’s ready, and me rushing her won’t do the woman any good. She likes to take things at her pace, and it might not actually be love I‘m feeling from her. Might just be some leftover Everfree paranoia working its way out or something.”

“Well, if you ask me-”

“I’m not, but go ahead.” I interrupted

Rarity glared. “As I was saying. If you ask me, I think you should be direct with Applejack. I believe I know her quite a bit better, and I don’t think that she’s the type of mare who would be so forward about developing what she probably feels is a passing crush. I also doubt she wants to risk alienating what you two had before you left for something unknown.”

“I think Applejack’s too brave to let that stand in her way. When she’s sure that I’m the guy she wants, I don’t doubt for a moment that she’ll come after me. Can’t say I didn’t like what we had before though, it was like having a best friend you could put your stiff bit in without them being offended.”

“... Maybe we should continue your lessons on proper manners.”

“Maybe it’s literally my first full day out of the Everfree and I don’t want to watch what I say? Just a thought.”

“I would argue with you, but it is getting rather late, and I’d like to get home before dawn. I’ll see you soon, Max.”

“Bye, Rares. Have a good night.”

Rarity sent a small smile my way and closed the door behind her as she left, which I was grateful for since it meant I didn’t have to bother. I turned and went upstairs with a spring in my step. Now I was finally on finally on speaking terms with everyone again, and boy did it feel good, I tell ya. Actually, that’s a load of shit. It was a nice thing, but not something I really wanted. Pinkie and Rainbow could fuck off for all I care, but I guess I’d prefer it if I could talk to them. It’s not like I really needed more enemies, though I can’t really say for certain how many enemies I have in this world. I would have a few, but all of those guys are dead, so there aren’t that many people besides maybe Grape Sprinkles. I thought a little longer and realized that there was someone else, a miss Mineral Zeal that I hadn’t seen in some time. She was quite the twat, though stealing her job seemed like it was a little much, even if it was somewhat warranted. It felt like ages since I had met her in the Lock Pad and secured my first job in Equestria, and I wondered if I should have invited Onyx Lock to the party I didn’t show up to, which reminded me that I would have to hold another one some time.

Fluttershy was already lying down, reading by lamp light when I managed to get my head out of the clouds and back down to Earth, or rather, Equus. When she saw me, she gave me a warm smile and patted the spot next to her, but sadly, there were a few of her furry friends occupying the space. With a little effort from both of us, we managed to coax most of them to consciousness and placed them in some of the surplus animal beds that Fluttershy kept on hand, just in case. With them out of the way, I was free to take my place beside my favorite Pegasus.

We sat and talked for a bit before we both went to sleep without any funny business. I would say that I was a bit let down that Fluttershy didn’t jump my bones, but having some company at bedtime doesn’t always mean that there will be any sort of activity, and it was nice just to have someone there with me. That, and Fluttershy’s squishy where it counts and her bed was firmer than mine. The former was just nice and the latter made me feel like I was back at the castle, which made me sleep a bit more easily. I still woke up a few times, but I was too comfy to let it bother me for long.

Fluttershy woke up before I did, and her absence in bed was duly noted since the morning was oddly cold. I had never bothered to learn the Equestrian calendar, but I guessed that it was probably equivalent to September now, closing in on fall, and that meant that the nights would be perfect for my bonfire! I deemed it a worthy venture to move the date for my party up to sometime in the next few days and went to go ‘borrow’ some of Fluttershy’s mouthwash.

All the mirror held was some sexy fucker, so I tried flirting with him for a bit. It got real awkward when Fluttershy caught me dirty talking to myself, but I played it off poorly enough to make her laugh, so that was a plus. She wanted to have breakfast at Blossoms and Blooms, so I negotiated for brunch so I could go home, get showered, and change clothes, so we would meet there around ten.

Lupa accompanied me back home, though she didn’t say much on the way over, stating that just because I could understand her didn’t mean that she would suddenly start talking more often. By her own words, most animals were predominantly silent unless they were looking for assistance or a mate, so I couldn’t really blame her for not being a conversationalist, no matter how nice I thought it was that I could comprehend her. After all, what good is being able to talk to animals if they never talk?

I was tempted to get rid of my beard while shaving, but for some odd reason, I was starting to feel a manner of attachment to it, like it was a new friend that didn’t really impact my life. I kept it for the time being and finished up with the rest of my morning routine, choosing to go outside of my general comfort zone with a red T-shirt that I found in the back of my closet. Red was not my color by any means, but it’s nice to change things up occasionally. Saying fuck it to vegan bullshit, I ate some of the dried meat I had brought with me from the Everfree and poured myself a shot of thousand year old wine.

Looking back on it now, I should have realized that it was a terrible idea.

Fucking sloshed, I stumbled my way into town with a sloppy grin on my face and an irritable wolf by my side. I happily waved to just about everyone I saw and received many odd looks for my good mood and general drunkenness, though I wasn’t paying much attention to them. Eventually, I made my way to the restaurant a little after ten, quickly finding Fluttershy. I had a seat and Lupa pushed a chair out of the way, sitting between us.

“Hullo, poppet. Lovely day, isn’t it?” I slurred with a grin.

Fluttershy smiled and narrowed her eyes. “It is rather nice out, but don’t you think it’s a bit early to be drinking?”

My grin widened. “In my defense, it was wine and I didn’t have much.”

“Right. I would be more offended, but I don’t think it would do either of us much good.”

“Why would you?” I cocked my head to the side.

“If a stallion shows up to a date drunk, it’s usually not a good sign. At least, that’s what Applejack and Rarity say.”

“Trust me, sweetcheeks, if I show up to a drunk date with you, then it was an accident.”

Fluttershy rolled her eyes but kept smiling. “You mean ‘if I show up to a date drunk, right? Don’t get me wrong, I would love to have a drunk date with you sometime, but I don’t now is it.”

“I totally said that. Why you gotta correct me, beautiful?”

She blushed and gave me a sly grin. “If I don’t correct you then it means I don’t care, sweetie.”

I scrunched up my face. “I don’t think I like sweetie.”

“You can pick from sweetie or honey then.”

“I call Celestia hun, though.”

“You call her hun, not honey”

“Awfully close iddinit?”

“Isn't it.”

“That’s what I said.”

Fluttershy reached over and patted my hand. “I love it when you’re on the receiving end.”

My face flushed. “Nothing is going in there. Ever.”

Fluttershy gave me an odd look, but the waiter finally came over and took our orders. I had hash browns again while Fluttershy went for artisan veggie waffles, which I found to be both pretentious and gross, but it’s not like I had to eat it. With some food on my stomach, I started to sober up, finally able to keep my words from mushing together like they had been, though I was still enjoying a good buzz. And to think, I still had three whole bottles and one with only a shot taken out of it.

We continued our date with a walk through the park in town and saw Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle doing something or other in the park. A few steps later and we could see that they were talking to two other tweenagers: a pastel pink one with a light purple mane that had a white streak ,and a greyish one with a silver mane who was sporting some comically large glasses. Fluttershy suddenly stopped in her tracks and let go of my hand once they had come into view and worry was etched into her face. It didn’t take a neurosurgeon to understand why she had stopped, so I took upon myself to help out my friends’ younger sisters. Fluttershy grabbed my arm as I started walking towards them and shook her head, but I just rolled my eyes and started dragging her along with me.

“M-Max! We shouldn’t interfere!”

“We’re not interfering. I am. You’re just there to be sweet and cuddly.”

“This is a bad idea Max-”

“All of my ideas work out one way or another, so relax poppet, and trust me, will you?”

She still seemed unsure but still followed me. “P-Please don’t be your normal self. Especially not to children…”

“Ye of little faith.”

Apple Bloom spotted me first, and from her body language, she was happy to see me, though her friends were still focused on their antagonists.

I waved once we made eye contact. “Afternoon, Apple Bloom. What’s up?”

The group of girls ceased their faggotry when they heard me, but the other two didn’t go anywhere. The pink one crossed her arms and glared at me and the grey one soon followed after seeing that her boss was doing it. Straight up, I could already tell the archetypes these two little twats filled, and neither of them are worth speaking to at any given moment. I was willing to bet my fortune that they were both wealthy (or as wealthy as one can get in a small town) bitchy, condescending, and insecure as fuck.

“Heya, Max.” Apple Bloom greeted.

Sweetie Belle turned to look at me, though I swear she almost went cross-eyed from trying to keep one eye on her foes.

“So are you girls out enjoying the weather? It’s a pretty nice day to be out and about.”

“Yeah, kinda. We were going to see if we could get our Cutie Marks from identifying the species of trees, but we were interrupted by our... friends.” Apple Bloom forced a smile, but her friends just scowled harder and the other two matched them.

“Oh, how nice!” I turned to the nameless girls and waved, though they ignored me completely. I don’t like being ignored.

Fluttershy’s hand weaved around my bicep, but I just shrugged her off and walked into the middle of the group, facing the grey one first.

I extended a hand. “Hullo! Name’s Max, what’s yours?”

Her lip curled and I felt the controllable desire to smack that look off of her face, but she took my hand and shook it anyways. “Silver Spoon.”

“What a lovely name. I’m sure you’re just a delight, now aren’t you?” If sarcasm had a physical from, then it would have been pouring out of my mouth, slowly burning a hole to the center of the planet.

Silver Spoon may have sensed something was up, but she just gave me a half smile and craned her neck around me to glare at Scootaloo some more.

I turned to the pink one, but she spoke before I could. “My name’s Diamond Tiara. No I don’t want to be your mushy gushy friend.”

The grin I had kept on my face grew wider and I offered my hand to her. “Hullo, I’m Max. What’s your name?”

Diamond Tiara scowled at my hand. “I just told you, didn’t I?” Smacking you seems like more fun.

“Humor me.”

She rolled her eyes and huffed, giving me plenty of time to form my little tentacle friend, encircling her completely, but I left a gap for her hand to pass through. She eventually took my hand, and once she did, I yanked her towards me, simultaneously tightening my psychic grip until she could neither move nor speak.

I leaned in and whispered in her ear. “I swear to Princess Luna that I will murder your entire family if you so much as breathe another hateful word to these girls. I will rip your fathers’ bowels out, force your mother to eat them, drink her tears myself and start feeding them both pieces of you until I think you’ve learned your lesson. If you tell anyone, I will kill your parents. If you think about telling someone, I will kill your friend.”

I let her go and she stumbled back, her face as white as a sheet. I let my lips retract and showed off my pretty canines. “Now run along you two little skanks, I’m sure Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle will play with you some other time.”

Diamond Tiara back away slowly with Silver Spoon looking between us. The pink girl turned and bolted out of there as quickly as her feet would carry her, leaving her friend to try and keep up, but I’ve seen fear in action: Silver Spoon never stood a chance.

Fluttershy spun me around while I was still waving them off. “Max.”

She was pissed.

“Yes, poppet?” I let my smile die down since my cheeks were hurting.

“What. Did. You. Say. To. Her.”

“Nothing much.” I patted her shoulder and her glare started getting more intense, like it was drilling into my head.

“Max.”

“Yes?”

“What. Did. You. Say.”

“You know, if you keep badgering me about it, I don’t think I’m going to tell you.”

Fluttershy reached over and put a hand on my shoulder, her gaze making me quite uncomfortable. “You’re going to tell me one way or the other.”

Apple Bloom wormed her way between us. “Hey! Leave Max alone!” She glared up at Fluttershy, but when her eyes locked onto Apple Bloom’s, the poor girl excused herself and stood with her friends.

“I think Fluttershy’s really mad.” I heard Sweetie Belle whisper.

“I don’t see why, all he did was scare 'em off by the looks of it.” Apple Bloom whispered back.

With Fluttershy’s stare back on me, I started squirming, though I couldn’t look away for some odd reason. She opened her mouth again to say something else, but the day was beginning to dim rapidly and her words made no sound. I saw her flesh start peeling off in flickers and flashes. One moment, she was whole and angry, and the next she was rotting away. Guilt and terror held my intestines fast in its grip, images of Hell surfacing in my mind. I felt my heart race and my hands become ice cold, fight or flight response primed and ready to go.

All of a sudden, I was standing across from a perfectly fine Fluttershy, though her look had turned from one of fury to one of concern. “M-Max? A-Are you okay?”

I walked away from her, noticing that my hands were shaking rather hard. I pressed them against temples and tried to work out the headache that was building swiftly. Fluttershy caught up to me laid a hand on my shoulder, but I flinched away and she let me go.

“J-Just give me a moment. I-I got a bit rattled there.” I weakly chuckled.

“I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt you, it’s just that you said you wouldn’t be mean, and then Diamond Tiara looked so scared, and I just…”

I sat down with my back to one of the parks many trees and clasped my hands together. “Never said I wasn’t going to be me, I just said you had little faith.”

The steel returned to Fluttershy’s voice. “I might feel bad about giving you the Stare, but that doesn’t mean I’m happy with you.”

“Is that what you call it? Because of your little ‘Stare’, I looked at you and saw your flesh rot off your bones.”

“What.”

“Yeah. Never do that again. Please.”

“I-I-I… Nopony’s ever said that happened, th-they just say that felt really guilty…”

“Not a pony.”

“...Right.”

We were silent for a few minutes, and once I got my shit together, I rose and glanced at Fluttershy. She was still normal, so I turned to look her in the eye. “Can we go home?”

She bit her lip. “...After you tell me what you said to Diamond Tiara.”

“Ask her yourself. If she answers you, I have work to do.”

“Wait, that’s really foreboding, Max.”

“No shit. I don’t know or really care about what you do for the rest of the day, but I’m going home and going to sleep.”

And so I did.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The morning after that was a stressful one. Lupa had gone off while Fluttershy and I were on our date, but hadn’t said anything to me beforehand, so I assumed that she would be back in her own time. Seriously, I was beginning to feel like a parent with how much time I spent worrying about Lupa. The freaky nightmares were not helping at all, and when I say freaky, I actually mean hellish. I didn’t quite understand what Fluttershy’s Stare had to do with them, but I was willing to wager that it had made my sleep significantly worse. I still managed to get through my morning routine and what not, but I saw my breakfast a few more times than I wanted to and that was all I needed to call it a day early and go back to bed.

The day after that, I was feeling considerably better, though I still woke up at four in the morning. It wasn’t exactly a bad thing since I got my journals caught up, but as I went to retrieve them, they seemed… out of order, like someone who wasn’t me had been in my house and went through my shit again. That, or I was just being paranoid. I shrugged it off and told myself that it didn’t matter as much as I thought it did, finding something else to do until noon.

Noon came and I was making decent headway in my new book, but I needed to go have a quick chat with Rarity, then go see Fluttershy, and I wanted to find something to do with my weaponry on the couch. It’s not like I could use any of it, seeing as how I could barely lift the battle axe without telekinesis to assist me, and the zweihander was just too damn long for me. I would have to see about getting some fixtures for them when I had the chance..

The walk to the Carousel Boutique was uneventful. Nothing happened, no one gave me any odd looks, no one actively shunned me or welcomed me. It was like I was invisible. I loved every second of it. During my first months in Equestria, I attracted stares from just about every source, but now I felt like I actually belonged in a manner of speaking. It reminded me of being in a larger town where people didn’t give a shit about you or what you do as long as it doesn’t affect them. It was a nice feeling.

I knocked on Rarity’s door and waited patiently for her to come to it, but then I remembered that she still had the clothes that I had apparently paid for, so I was technically here on business. I let myself in and felt like an idiot for fucking around in the first place. Rarity had let herself into my house before, and extending the same courtesy, or lack thereof, to her was only fair.

Looking around, I saw no sign of her, so I assumed that she was in the back room, probably making garments or whatever that thing she does is. I took it upon myself to check and I did not find her, oddly enough. I wondered why Rarity would leave her shop open if she wasn’t there, but it wasn’t terribly crucial for me to see her at the moment, so I made an about face and nearly ran into her as I was exiting.

“Oh! Hullo, Rarity.” I greeted. I heard a little cough after a moment and looked behind her, spotting a visibly irritated Sweetie Belle. “Afternoon, Sweetie Belle.”

“Hello Max!” Rarity beamed. “I was just out picking up some groceries with my dear sister. What brings you to my humble boutique?”

I stood aside to let them in. “Just stopped by to say hi, pick up my knives, and try and make you keep the investment money. You know, just normal me things.”

Rarity shook her head. “I nearly forgot about your bits. It’s going to be awfully difficult to get me to keep them. Now that I have a few more connections in Canterlot, advertising isn’t really as much of an issue.”

I pulled at my beard. “Are you sure you don’t need it for anything else? I mean-”

She cut me short. “I am quite certain that I will not need your bits, though I do thank you for lending them to me in the first place. Perhaps you could try convincing Applejack to allow you to invest in her farm?”

“I tried already, but I don’t think she’ll go for it without having Macintosh’s support. Hell, it’s not like I’d offer her unreasonable terms.”

“Unreasonable terms?”

“Well, it’s not like I’m dropping thousands of bits just to be nice. That’s a part of it, but I’d also like to make it an actual investment, you know? I’d like to see a possible return over a period of time and help out my friend. Two birds, one stone.”

“Oh.” Rarity said. “Is that what you wanted from me as well?”

“I hadn’t really given it that much thought at the time, but it would be beneficial to both of us if we did.”

“...That’s actually a good idea. I guess you’re full of surprises.”

“Shush, you marshmellow, I’ll eat you.”

Rarity rolled her eyes and Sweetie Belle giggled. We went to the kitchen and I helped them put their things away, though I was surprised to find that Rarity ate pancakes. I was going to ask, but decided it wasn’t pertinent at all. Rarity and I sat down and started getting a business arrangement settled, but since I had no experience in the field, I was effectively at Rarity’s mercy. I trusted her enough to give me decent terms, but I knew that as an entrepreneur, it was in her best interest to lean things toward her side. I didn’t particularly care, but since I didn’t have a steady job, a little bit of extra income wouldn’t hurt.

I left Rarity’s with my knives, the new clothes and a promise of a legal document to be sent my way once we could get a lawyer of some sort to fill in the bullshit bits so it’s airtight. My next stop had to be my house so I prepared myself for a day full of walking. Speaking of, the trip back home was just as boring as the prior walk, so that also made me happy. After I got my weaponry situated and my clothes stuffed into a closet, I started on my way to Fluttershy’s.

Upon arrival, I was mobbed by Lupa and a familiar fox that ran circles around me and made pointless animal noises while doing it. I assumed it was a game of sorts to them, but didn’t really care enough to ask since they weren’t really bothering me. I knocked on Fluttershy’s door with Lupa and Mr. Foxy still acting silly and waited for a response. A minute or two later, she answered the door and welcomed me in with mixed emotions. We sat down in her living room, scootching her tenants out of the way.

“Lovely day out, isn’t it?” I said pleasantly.

“It is…”

“A little balmy, but nice. I can’t imagine that it would be terribly good for your hair though.”

“I like it, it’s not bad.”

“...Yeah, small talk isn’t really my thing. What’s on your mind, poppet?”

“Oh, nothing much.”

I levelled a withering glare in her direction. “Really now.”

“W-Well… I guess there is something…”

“You only stutter around me when it’s something big. Just get it over with so we can deal with it like responsible adults, or whatever pale facsimile I happen to be able to conjure up at the moment.”

“...Right. I was just wondering what you said to Diamond Tiara…”

“Too bad, I’m not saying. Can we let that be the end of it?”

Fluttershy gave me a very womanly look and I sighed. “You can keep asking, but I’m not telling unless you have a good reason for wanting to know.”

“Isn’t it important in a relationship to be honest with your spouse?” Fluttershy objected.

“I’m not lying. There are certain things that I’ll never talk with you about, and it’s not just you personally, it’s everyone. Somethings only need to be said once, and there are things that I’ve said and done in the past that would tarnish our relationship, so of course I’m not going to go out of my way to tell you about them. What I said to Diamond Tiara is just one of those things.”

“Max, how many times do I have to tell you that you can trust me? I won’t let any of your secrets out, and I want you to know that you can come to me with anything, not just the topical details. I know you’re a more secretive stallion than most, but don’t let that get in the way of you trying to be better like you’re doing now!”

I spread my hands with my palms facing upward. “Look poppet, I trust you with my life. It’s not even remotely close to a matter of trust, it’s how much I value your opinion of me and what I do. What you think of me matters, and I don’t want you to think I’m a bad guy-”

“Then why do you keep doing things a bad guy would do? I may not know exactly what you said to Diamond Tiara, but I talked to her yesterday and she was too scared to even come out of her house! You menaced a child, Max! I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that you threatened her at this point! In fact, that’s exactly what you did, isn’t it?”

“I let an arrogant, stuck up bully know the score since someone I call a friend had to put up with her shit. If some prick came and did the same to you, I wouldn’t hesitate to jump to your defense.”

“That’s not even what we’re talking about! You need to learn that ponies have to fight their own battles-”

“Like you did with Applejack when she was depressed? You just let her fight her own battle and totally didn’t come after me because I was the cause?”

“That’s different and you know it!”

“No, I don’t know it! It’s the same damn concept!”

“It is not! Bullying somepony into making them do what you want them to is completely different from trying to help your friend, and if you can’t see that, then there’s no point in talking!” Fluttershy huffed.

“You know what? Fine! If you want to know what I said to Diamond Tiara that fucking badly, then I’ll just tell you so shut the hell up about it.” I sneered. “I told that prissy little cunt that I would murder her entire family and feed pieces of her to her parents until I thought she learned from her mistakes. I told her that I would rip her Dad’s entrails out and feed them to her mother while she watched. I told her that if she said anything to anyone, that I would kill her parents and her little friend. So what do you think? Was it really worth all the time you’ve wasted?” I finished with a glower.

“...Yes, I think it was.” Fluttershy said softly.

We stood in silence for a minute.

“Max, please leave.”

I turned and left without a word. Of course I knew that I shouldn’t have told her, but I was just as fed up as she was. If Fluttershy chose to stay by my side, I’d be quite surprised, but after what I’d just said, I found the idea to be rather far fetched. There are certain things that you don’t say in Equestria, lines you don’t cross, and I’d just leaped over one of Fluttershy’s in the most idiotic way. I regretted what I’d said to the little prick but I stood by my decision to help out a friend, and there was precious little that would change that.

With the joy sapped out of my day, I considered going home to enjoy some much needed alone time, but I still had to see if there were any fixtures for heavy medieval weapons in town, so I skulked my way to the furniture shop, only to be let down. I hadn’t been expecting much, but I’d still been hoping to have some luck. With that venture being a bust, I stuck around town for another hour, trying to see if I could find a smithy of some sort. There actually was one in town, but the specialized in fittings, nails, and the occasional tool. The head Smith himself told me that he’d never tried so much as forging a knife, let alone any real kind of weapon, so he didn’t know how to make fixtures for them since they were few and far between. I resolved to build one myself once I went back home, so I bought some wood and sandpaper while I was out.

When I got back home, I learned that carpentry is a bitch, and that working with a hammer while angry is a costly and hazardous venture. I bent more nails than I could count, and mashed my thumb a few times, both events causing a flurry of swearing whenever they happened. At the end of the day, I wasn’t much closer to having my weapon rack complete, both of my thumbs were throbbing, and I’d blown through about fifteen bits worth of nails. The only thing that could have possibly made it any worse would be having Fluttershy knock on my door just to continue our earlier argument.

Things got worse.

I’d just finished showering to get all the sawdust off of myself when Fluttershy knocked on my door. If I’d known it was her before I opened it, I probably would have just fucked off and went to bed, but sadly, I wasn’t blessed with X-ray vision and now Fluttershy was sitting on my couch.

She hadn’t said a word since she’d come in, so I spoke first. “Can I get you anything? I don’t have much-”

“Max, I know you’re upset with me, and I know you’re just trying to be courteous, but can we just talk for a moment?”

Now wasn’t the time for quips. “Of course.” I sat down in my easy chair, but Fluttershy rose and tugged on my hand, sitting me down on the couch next to her.

She sighed, leaned forward and pressed her fingers against her forehead. “You know what you did was wrong, right?”

“I stand by it.”

She sighed again. “That’s not what I asked.”

“Yes, I know it was wrong.” I replied.

“Then why did you do it?”

“Because she was giving one of my friends a hard time.”

“Do you even know that for sure? Do you know what they were talking about?”

“I can read body language like an open book, I don’t need to hear them to know that Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon have been picking on Apple Bloom and the others for some time now.”

“Reading ‘body language’, whatever that is, doesn’t give you all the evidence you need to make a judgement call like that.”

“It does in my book. If you knew what body language was, and knew how honest it is, you’d probably use it to make calls too.”

“I don’t, so please don’t try to use that excuse.”

“Don’t patronize me.”

“I’m not, Max, honestly. I just… It’s hard to see that side of you. I knew it was there, and I know it’s probably always going to be there, but…”

“I’m a bad person.”

“No, you’re not.” Fluttershy said, exasperated.

“How is threatening someone on pain of death not something a bad person would do?”

“It is something a bad ‘person’ would do, it doesn’t make you a bad ‘person’ though!”

“Most of my actions would classify me as a prick. How many times have I argued with you and the girls? How many fights have started because of me? How much strife have I sewn since I’ve been here!? I’m not a good person, and I keep trying to tell you this, but-”

“Shut up. Just SHUT UP!” Fluttershy shouted, louder than I’d ever heard her. “Do you even think about how hard this is for me? Do you think about how much you hurt your friends when you act like this? You said you were trying to get better, but I can’t remember you trying that hard before you left, and now you’re not trying at all!”

“...I would say that I am, but when I went to the Everfree, I stopped caring. I realized that life is too short for me to lie to people I despise, that it’s a waste of my time to sit back and let things play out. If we don’t play and active role in our own lives, and the lives of the people we hold dear, then we’re wasting so much valuable time worrying, being frustrated for nothing. I learned that if we don’t preserve what and who we hold dear with all of our strength, someone will come along and take it from us.”

Fluttershy’s eyes widened. “You- You. You’re a bucking idiot. You are a bucking foal if you truly believe that. I’ll tell you right now Mr. ‘Active Role’, Mr. ‘Paranoid to the Moon and Back’, that nopony in Equestria is going to steal from you, nopony in Ponyville will ever strike out at you when you least expect it, and most of all nopony period is going to try and take your peace from you, so why don’t you get that into your thick skull and quit being such a jerk! Half of the things you get mad about are contrived annoyances that you take too seriously anyway! So what Pinkie read your little journal? Boo hoo, let’s all be sad for Max. So what I told our friends that you were lying to them? I’ve never wanted to be around a liar anyway, and the girls feel the same way! You’re so caught up in yourself that you don’t care how your actions affect others, and I’m willing to bet that you don’t even really care about what I think of you! I bet you were just trying to get out of talking about the asinine, evil stunt you pulled with Diamond Tiara!”

I sat back and ground my teeth, hearing a few unpleasant truths in her words, but more bullshit than I was willing to let slide. “Alrighty love, let’s take it from the top: You’re forgetting that my ‘peace’ has been stolen from me by you girls more than anyone else, and you’re supposed to be my friends, so forgive me if I don’t think the rest of the world is up to scratch since the Elements of fucking Harmony themselves are shitheads half the time! You think the things I get mad over are bullshit? Then why don’t you take another look at what exactly I’ve forgiven: I’ve forgiven Applejack for nearly killing me, Twilight for nearly getting me killed and indirectly accusing me of date rape, Rarity for lying to me directly, treating me like a pariah, and spitting on a gesture of friendship, Pinkie Pie for sexually harassing me, stealing something I hold more precious than anything else, and selling me out with information she gained illegally. I forgave Rainbow Dash for trying to sneak me, causing massive damage to the only real home I’ve had in over a decade, and pummeling when we first met! I’ve let so much shit slide for you girls, and you don’t even appreciate the effort it takes for me! So what if I didn’t want my past known? You, as a friend, should have known that little good would come of it, and yet you still acted blindly, not even caring about what I thought, so you can shove that little tidbit straight up your arse! At the very least I know I’m being a right and proper bastard, but you girls are so fucking blind to your own flaws that when I get mad for shit you should have known better than to do, that I’m still the bad guy! And finally, we come to the last bit. If you think that me trying to get out of talking to you about what I said to Diamond Tiara is abnormal, then you obviously didn’t pay any fucking attention to what I said earlier!”

“...Is that really what the girls and I have done to you?” Fluttershy asked slowly.

“The big stuff, yeah.” I said, cooling down after a few moments.

“What do you really think about us?” She inquired softly.

“All together or separately?”

“...It doesn’t matter to me.”

I sighed and scratched the nape of my neck. “All together, I think you’re a good bunch, you just don’t think enough before you act, something I’m guilty of too, which I’d like to apologize for. Separately, I’ll start with Twilight. Twilight is a brilliant idiot with a big heart and a logical mind, but she’s naive and can be awfully shortsighted when she has a goal in mind or if she's in one of those moods. Rarity is kind, sociable and tactful for the most part, but she’s also extremely biased, and once she makes a decision it would take a lot for her to realize she’s in the wrong. Applejack is, of course, honest and hardworking, but I feel like she has the same problem that I do when it comes to things that she just won’t talk about. That woman has my kind of darkness in her, but she doesn’t let it get to her.”

I stopped and looked at Fluttershy. “Please keep going.”

“Okay. Pinkie Pie is a child. She doesn’t think before she acts, pays little attention to the consequences and is generally pretty narrow minded when it comes to what other people want, but she is kind and can be thoughtful when the mood strikes her. Rainbow Dash is rash, arrogant, and an idiot, but she’s loyal and perseverant-”

“You switched order for Pinkie and Rainbow.”

“I’m starting with what sticks out to me most.”

“Oh. If you don’t mind…”

“I’ll carry on. I think you’re kind and sweet, but with some darkness to you too. I can’t say for sure who has more of it in them between you and Applejack, but I’ve seen more of yours than hers.”

“Oh…”

“It’s not a bad thing, Fluttershy. People have to have darkness for there to be any light. I think that’s why the good things I do stick out so much: when in comparison to the bad things I do, they shine more and give people false hope in me. Getting back to you, I think that you’re a complicated person. When you’re around people you’re not comfortable with, or more than two or three, you retreat into your shell and people think you’re just a shy doormat, but you’re a tough woman in your own way. You’re not afraid to stand up for what you think is right, but the main problem with that is that you have to be pushed so far to act, that if you would have done or said something earlier, things probably wouldn’t have gotten so bad. Basically, you’re a reactionary person, but you can still fight back when push comes to shove.”

“So you’re saying that I should be more like you?”

“No, I’m saying I think you need to be more proactive.”

Fluttershy rubbed at her eye. “Do you really think we see you as the bad guy every time something happens?”

“At least half of you do at any given time.”

“I don’t do that…”

“Applejack.”

“How does that count?”

“You tried to force me to go see her when I had every right to avoid her. You were on her side then, even though I was the one in the right.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’. I meant it when I said I let a lot of things go, but that doesn’t mean you girls see it.”

“We do! We… Would you want to talk about your mistakes?”

“I’m forced to constantly. It’s a large part of our interactions.”

“...I think I should go home.”

“I’m not angry with you, Fluttershy. You spoke your mind and I respect that.”

“I’m still upset with you, though. I didn’t choose to fall in love with you, Max, I just did. I wish you would make things easier on both of us, but listening to you, I realized that I don’t do as much as I can. Maybe we should just… I don’t know, take a break for a while?”

“If that’s what you want, I’ll accept it.”

“...What do you want?”

“I want you to see things from my perspective.”

“I meant do you want to separate?”

“No. I think we can talk this out, we just have to be willing to get uncomfortable and listen to what the other has to say.”

“I think we’ve said as much as we needed to…”

“I think I still have something on my heart that I need to say.”

Fluttershy’s frown deepened, but she nodded her assent.

“Look, Fluttershy, you mean a lot to me. You’re easily in my top three favorite ponies, and if you don’t think much of me-”

“Max, you know better than that.” She interrupted. “You know I love you.”

“You just said that you didn’t choose to; that you were essentially forced into it. I couldn’t blame you if you started feeling some resentment towards me for that.”

“I don’t resent you, I’m just frustrated. You seem like such a great stallion sometimes, but then you do and say some awful things, and I wonder if you’ll ever change.”

“I will, but it may not be in the way you hoped. I warned you that I wasn’t a Pony, that I wasn’t your brand of good, so it shouldn’t be a surprise when I have a lapse in judgement. “

“That’s just it, Max, I hold you to a higher standard than you do because I think you’re better than what you pretend to be. You’re not a good pony, but you’re not bad… You’re… Grey?”

“That sounds about right, to be honest with you. I’ve always walked a fine line ever since I started thieving, and in my home, it helped to have a mean streak in you just so people don’t mess with you twice.”

“There’s the problem: You don’t need your mean streak here! Ponies will usually talk things out with you, or they’ll leave you alone if you don’t like them, so you don’t need to-”

“Actually, Fluttershy, I got jumped in a back alley during my first few weeks here, and my mean streak did me pretty well, so I think I’ll keep it. It’s not useful all the time, but I’d rather keep my blades sharp just in case I ever really need them, you know?”

Fluttershy’s eyes widened. “Wait, you mean you were attacked and you didn’t tell anypony!?”

“I handled it and it never happened again. Hell, I came out of that fight without a scratch, so no, I didn’t think it was worth worrying anyone over.”

“...Do you know who the ponies were?”

“No, but I do suspect that they were sent by Onyx Lock’s old employee. It happened a while ago, so don’t worry about it now.”

“How many times have you been attacked?”

“In Ponyville? I don’t know, like, four times I guess? There was those three guys, Applejack once, and Rainbow twice, so-”

“Two of our friends have hurt you three times?”

“If you would quit interrupting me, that would be great.”

“Sorry…”

“Apology accepted. Yes, our friends have made up the majority of my assailants. It’s mostly just Rainbow, though.”

“...We really are terrible friends…” Fluttershy sniffed.

“Just to me, as far as I know.”

“That’s no excuse!” She cried. “How are you supposed to get better if your friends set a terrible example for you!?” Fluttershy’s eyes were full of tears.

I took her hand and pressed my lips against it for a moment, waiting for her to calm down. “Fluttershy, I’m a grown man. I may have more to learn, but I’ll make my own mistakes, and I won’t let you make yourself feel bad just because you girls aren’t perfect. No one is.”

She gripped my hand tightly. “...In the same minute, you’ll go from arguing to consoling the same pony you were arguing with.”

“What can I say? I’m one talented bastard.”

“Bastard doesn’t sound like a nice word.”

“It isn’t.” I gave her a half smile that she meekly returned.

Fluttershy laid her head on my shoulder and dried her eyes. “You make it hard to give up on you.”

“Like I said; talented bastard. I’ll admit, just this once, that I’m more nice than mean, and if you ever tell anyone I said that, I’ll tie you up and shave you bald.”

“Big, tough Max doesn’t want ponies to know he has feelings other than angry?”

“That’s the gist of it. It’s a guy thing.”

“Maybe from your world, but guys here are… Well, you might have a point.”

“Of course I do, I couldn’t be the best without being right all the time.”

“And you call Rainbow arrogant!”

“False bravado and arrogance are two different things. I hate myself with a passion, poppet.”

Fluttershy lifted her head and looked at me. “Why do you say that?”

“Because I’m a toxic person. Every manner of relationship I have, I ruin in one way or another. I’ve helped people but I’ve done more harm than good for a long time even if I do try to be be more nice than mean. I mean, look at my interactions with you girls. I’ve pissed you all off at least once, and I wasn’t even trying, it just happened. Celestia told me that I’ve made her cry more since I’ve met her than she has since Luna was sent to the moon, so all that evidence makes me feel like there’s little for you to love. I don’t really know why you like me, I just know that I want to give you as few reasons as possible to not stop.” Not that the girls haven't largely been pieces of shit to me too, but I'd already passed that.

Fluttershy laid her head back on my shoulder but didn’t say anything. We sat in silence for some time, but it wasn’t the awkward silence that often occurred after an argument; it was more like we both had things on our mind that just didn’t need to be shared anymore. Night fell, and we had shifted around until I eventually ended up laying my head on Fluttershy’s lap with her gently stroking my hair and singing the most enticing lullaby. Things weren’t magically okay, but we had worked through issues that had been bothering us and got enough of it off of our chests that I, at least, was tired. Sharing my feelings was never easy for me, and I doubted that Fluttershy got a chance to do it often, so our shouting match had been pretty therapeutic, though I wished we could have talked it out without becoming so upset. Such is life sometimes.

Fluttershy eventually left and I went back to writing. As mentally tired as I was, my body still had energy to burn, and I had some new ideas for my book. That, and I still needed to find a publisher or something for ‘A Single Breath’, which could wait a while. I was chilling in my living room, casually getting words on paper when I heard to thumps at my door, and saw it open. Lupa let herself in, closed the door behind her and hopped up on the couch.

“You know, as little time as you spend home, you sure are making yourself comfortable.” I subtly jabbed.

“What are you, my mother?” She barked back.

“I worry about you when you disappear like you often do.”

“While I appreciate your concern, it’s not worth it. It’s been quite some time since I was on any predators menu.”

“Doesn’t mean I won’t worry about you. You’re like a sister to me, Lupa, and one of the few friends I have that has stuck by my side, no matter what.”

She snorted and rolled an eye to look at me. “I may be young for my breed, but I know that you will outlast me, Master. You should be preparing for my death in advance.”

“...You’re one morbid bitch, you know that?”

“I feel like I should take offense to that.”

“Why waste your time? You’re going to die anyway.” I shot back.

Lupa snorted and we left it at that. I was glad to have her back, but it frustrated me that she cared so little about my feelings, though it made sense if you looked at things from a different perspective. She was basically telling me that I shouldn’t get used to always having her around since her lifespan was shorter than mine, but that was true for everyone except Celestia, so why wouldn’t I just get used to not seeing everyone I cared about if they were only going to die long before I ever did?

I had to stop writing when I was seized by a mild panic attack, caused by delving too deep into the inevitable. Lupa came to my side once she heard me start hyperventilating, but that just made things worse. I retired to my room after a few minutes and eventually calmed down late into the night.

The next morning, I woke up exhausted, so I went back to sleep. I got up a little after noon and wondered what I should do with my day. I hadn’t visited two thirds of my friends since I’d been back, so I decided to make Twilight my first visit of the day. Completing my morning ritual at a leisurely pace, I left my house and went to go see if my little wizard was at home. Lupa and I ate brunch and got the show on the road within the hour, so the Sun was high when we arrived.

For once, Twilight answered the door and welcomed me in. Spike gave me a lazy wave as I passed him, so I assumed that a month’s worth of time was plenty for him to get the fuck over his little bullshit. I waved back and Lupa split off to go screw around with him for a while if her playful nips were anything to go by. I think Spike may be one of the few things she can chew on that won’t immediately die, so there’s always that. Spike, on the other hand, grew more afraid of Lupa the more he saw her, most likely due to her nibbling on him whenever they meet. I found it amusing.

Twilight and I sat down in the kitchen and she made us some tea, though sadly, there were no biscuits to go along with it. Non-English oversight punishable by sarcasm. I would have let her have it both barrels, but I was feeling like a nice guy, so I let her little misstep flow away like water under the bridge.

“So Max, how are you doing since you’ve been back? I can’t imagine that transitioning from civilization to the wild and back again is terribly easy.”

“It’s been kinda sucky so far, but I’m getting back into the groove of things. Humans are, if nothing else, some adaptable creatures. I’d like to say we conquered most of the known world back on Earth, but there’s so much of the sea and space that we don’t know about that it’d be a pretty inaccurate thing to say.”

“I’m sorry that you haven’t had it easy coming back, but I’m sure things will get better! They tend to.” Twilight gave me a bright smile.

I scowled in return. “Things only get better for a little while, if my time here’s anything to go by. I don’t want to be a prick, but my time in the Everfree showed me some things that I haven’t really thought about since I’ve been here.”

Her smile weakened. “What do you mean?”

I shook my head. “I mean a lot of things, but don’t let me ruin your good mood. You look especially lovely today Twi.”

She blushed, but her pursed lips and narrowed eyes told me that she wasn’t willing to be waylaid by my compliment. “Didn’t you say you were going to work on opening up to ponies?”

“Haven’t you learned that forcing me to talk only ends in disaster? Fluttershy just relearned that lesson and I would hate for you to do the same.”

Twilight opened her mouth to argue, but I took a page from Fluttershy’s book and shot her my darkest glare. Her jaw clamped shut with her gulping and diverting her attention. “The weather’s been just wonderful, hasn’t it? Rainbow and her team sure are doing a good job.”

A small smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. “They have. The morning are starting to remind me of home more and more every day.”

“Max, it’s been getting progressively colder and soggier in the mornings.”

“Someone’s never been to ‘Bridleland’” I held up air quotes.

Twilight’s face flushed and she drew a little circle on the table with her finger. “I transferred into Princess Celestia’s personal class before the regular one went on that trip.”

“Then we’ll have to make a go of it sometime, yeah? I may not know what’s over there or how it’s going to flow, but if it’s anything like home, I can get us around without any hassle. My England wasn’t always the nicest place, and the traditional food was a bit shit to be honest, but the people always understood fear and respect.”

“...Which one did you use more often?”

“The first thing that you have to understand is that I’m only tall in comparison to your average pony, and that being an omnivore with the sharp teeth,” I tapped one of my canines, “really only lends itself if you’re talking to someone without them. That being said, I had to use respect more than fear because in my world. I’m not exactly a pissed off Macintosh with a halberd, as you may have noticed. In fact, I was about as threatening as you without a horn.”

Twilight lifted her eyebrows. “So you weren’t scary in England. Huh.”

“I’m not exactly scary here you know. You ponies have flight, magic, and strength on me, and the only thing stopping you from using them against me is your own shitty moral code.”

“Wait, I think you insulted me!”

“Look love, you’re not the most intimidating thing out there, and I should know better than most, but it’s not like you need to be scary for anything. You’re short and adorable so just be happy with that.”

That brought a smile to her face. “I’m not short, though. I’ll have you know that I am the average for a female pony of my age.”

“The average height is pretty low if that’s the case.” She shot me a mock glare that I returned with a grin.

“It’s perfectly average, thank you very much. It’s called an average for a reason.”

“Right. Do you have any plans for today, Shorty?”

“I do, and don’t call me that.”

“You have Shorty, Shrimp, and Small Fry to pick from.”

“You remember how the only thing holding ponies back from using magic against you was a ‘shitty’ moral code?”

“Isn’t the weather just wonderful? Rainbow must be working her arse off to keep the skies so pretty.”

“That’s what I thought.” She grinned and nodded. “I was planning on making my first visit to the spa with Rarity and Fluttershy in a few hours, which should be a new experience at the least. I’ve never been to a spa, and Rarity has been trying to get me to go for so long, I figured now would be a good time.”

“Doesn’t sound like much fun to me, but I’m severely lacking in an extra X chromosome, so that might explain my general unease about going somewhere like that.”

“What’s an X chromosome?”

“One of the two types of chromosomes that determine the sex of a child in development. You have two X chromosomes, and I have one and a Y chromosome. I can’t really tell you much more than that, to be honest. I may know what they are but I’m not exactly a biologist or whatever.”

“Well can you tell me what a chromosome is?” Twilight asked.

“To my knowledge, they’re the basic building blocks of genetic code that make you who you are.”

“Fascinating!”

“Can’t really tell you much more than that, but if Equestrian technology ever gets to the point where you can study microorganisms, then you’ll probably have a heyday or something.”

“Microorganisms? You mean tiny life forms and things like that?”

“Yes, I mean exactly that. There are things all around you that just aren’t able to be seen with the naked eye, like bacteria and shit.”

“Doesn’t …’shit’ mean… well, you know…”

“Yes, but the word itself can also mean different things depending on how you use it. When I said shit, I meant various other things, not fecal matter”

“Ahh, that clarifies things a bit.”

Twilight launched into a full on interrogation about any and everything science related, giving me quite the headache after an hour of intense scholarly questioning. The woman took notes over everything I said, but I couldn’t understand why for the life of me. I had told her that Equestria lacked the technology to even get started on researching half of the crap I told her about, but, like a dog with a brand new bone, she wasn’t letting go anytime soon. Fluttershy and Rarity became my saviors when they came to collect her for their relaxing day at the spa, but Twilight wanted to stay behind and ask more inane, useless questions before she went. After I eventually caught Fluttershy’s eye, she prodded the girls in the right direction, and I finally regained my freedom.

With my liberty returned, I wandered off in the general direction of Sugarcube Corner so I could see what Pinkie was up to, but Lupa saw where we were going and told me that she was going to Fluttershy’s, not that I blame her. I figured she was up to work, so that would be a quick little visit that still accomplished my goals. Upon entering the bakery, I waved to Mr. Cake who gave me a confused smile and waved back cautiously. I walked up to the fellow and started a conversation.

“Hullo, Mr. Cake. How’s the day been?”

“It’s been pretty good, if I do say so myself. You know, I think your name slipped my tongue. Would you mind telling it to me again? I’ll do my best to remember it.”

“It’s no problem, friend. Name’s Max.”

Mr. Cake’s face fell abruptly. “Oh. Didn’t recognize you with the beard.”

“Can’t say I’ve gotten much of that, but the people I converse with are the ones I see most often, so I can’t really blame you.”

He nodded silently, biting his lower lip. Mr. Cake’s eyes skid around the room, looking for a medium of escape.

“You know, I don’t think I ever apologized for breaking in that one night. Sorry for that, mate, but I was looking for Pinkie.”

His eyes widened he set his jaw off to the side. “Takes a big stallion to own up to something like that.”

“I did it, I should take responsibility. Just never tell anyone I said that to you, yeah? It’ll ruin my image of being a scary badass.”

“I don't think you’ll have to worry about that too much, buddy. You run with the Elements of Harmony, and those girls get a bad enough rap as it is. You haven’t even heard half of the crazy stunts they’ve pulled around town.”

“I thought Twilight and the girls had a pretty good reputation around Ponyville?”

“Their reputation is fine: everypony knows they’re great mares. It’s some of the things that they do that scare the folk around here. You know that Twilight and Pinkie nearly blew my kitchen up on three separate occasions? Of course I can’t ban Pinkie from there, but she’s not going in the back while Twilight is here.” He harrumphed.

“Come on, mate, you’ve got to tell me the stories behind those!” I smiled.

He balked at the sight of my teeth, but relaxed when I settled for a closed mouth grin. “Well, the first time, Pinkie told me that they were trying to see how they could make marshmallows fluffier, but that ended with a sticky mess and gooey white stuff oozing from every door in here. You wouldn’t believe how hard it was to deal with all of it!”

“Sticky white stuff that needs to be dissolved by water? I can imagine the clean up process on that, and it doesn’t sound pleasant.”

“It really wasn’t. My foals got into and the Missus had to wash it out of their hair. The worst part was that she blamed me for the whole thing, even though she was the one that told those mares that they could use our kitchen!”

“Mate, that’s just women for you. Even if there’s no way you could be at fault, it was all your doing.”

"You’re telling me, brother. The second time, Twilight wanted to test and see if the amount of yeast added to a loaf of bread affected the taste as much as the density. That one wasn’t as bad as the marshmallows, but it was still all over the kitchen.”

“How do you even mess up that badly? Aren’t you only supposed to use like, a tablespoon of the stuff at a time?”

“She used an industrial sized bag. All of it.”

I gave Mr. Cake a ‘what the fuck’ look. He pursed his lips and nodded a few times. “Twilight might be smart, but she sure as sunshine isn’t the brightest.”

I scoffed and nodded. “You’re telling me. She nearly got me wiped off of the face of the planet once.”

“How’d she do that?” He asked, befuddled.

“The night of my welcoming party, she was coming on to me rather heavily, so after things were said and done, we went off to have some drunken fun-”

“Hey, that rhymed! You were a poet and you weren’t even aware!” Pinkie exclaimed from behind the counter. Mr. Cake barely spared her a glance, but I stared for a moment before shaking my head, chalking it up to Pinkie just being herself.

“Sure, Pinks. As I was saying-”

“Hold on, are you sure you should say something like this in front of one of your friends? One of your female friends?” Mr. Cake asked.

I rolled my eyes. “Pinkie’s female?”

“Hey!” She blurted. “I’m just masculine!”

“With that six pack and those taut biceps? Girl, you make my lady parts quiver.”

Mr. Cake looked between us. “I see why you two are friends now.”

“Is it our off color humor?” Pinkie inquired.

“Nah, it’s gotta be the mild insanity. I say mild for my benefit, by the way.”

Pinkie just grinned like an idiot, so I continued with my story. “Where was I?”

Mr Cake coughed. “Drunken fun.”

“Right. So we went off to do some of that, but Twilight was too hammered to go any further, so I ended up carrying her back to her room that night. Well, the next morning, she wakes up with a headache and some odd feelings, but no memory of how the night went, so she tells Celestia-”

“You mean the Princess Celestia?” Mr. Cake asked.

“I do. So Twilight told her, and Celestia shows up the next day saying that I defiled her student or some shit, but I cleared that up after a bit. By Celestia’s orders, I’m not allowed to give Twilight the sex, so make of that what you will. I just think she’s jealous.”

“...You know what you just said is pure treason, right?” Mr. Cake asked slowly.

“She’s basically my fiancee. I get certain liberties from that.”

“Wait, you’re going to marry Twilight and that means you can say what you want about the Princess?”

“No, I’m going to marry Celestia so I can say what I want about Twilight.”

Even Pinkie scratched her head at that one, but it’s not like I was going to explain away my fun. “So Pinkie, what’s up?”

“You know, just working!” She beamed and Mr. Cake gave her some serious side eye.

I lifted my brows and found particular interest in the ceiling. “Yeah, working. I’ll leave you to that, then. Have a nice day, you two.”

“Wait, aren’t you going to order something?” Mr. Cake asked before I could get up.

“Oh yeah. I suppose I could have a smoothie or something”

I did have a smoothie and it was good.

With two of my friends off my list, I still had to go see Rainbow Dash, so I asked Pinkie where she was before she left. Pinkie told me that she was in the fifth tree in the second row at Sweet apple Acres, and that she would be there for a few more hours since she was napping. How she knew this, I do not know, nor do I care.

I found Rainbow in the specified tree and climbed up to Rainbow’s branch, but instead of waking the snoozing speedster, I went a little higher until I found a nice little perch for myself. I settled in for the long haul, though I never dozed off. I did, however, enjoy the early autumn breeze and the warmth in the air that would fade all too soon in favor of biting winds and frostbite. After a two hours and thirty two minutes, Rainbow started stirring below me, and it the day was nearing its end. I never understood how some people could sleep whenever they felt like it, and Rainbow was no exception. When she began her descent, I drew a deep breath and let out the loudest shout that I could manage from the top of my lungs.

Startled, Rainbow fell from the tree and landed flat on her face, which I found to be quite amusing. Something considerably less amusing was the look on Rainbow’s face when she picked herself up. She glowered up at me and I waved with a smile, though I made haste when she started climbing again. Fortunately, Rainbow wasn’t very nimble in the tree’s limbs, and I was showing why I had been nicknamed ‘The Gecko’, so I stayed out of her reach and even leaped into the next tree over when she cornered me on the edge of a branch. When Rainbow made her jump, she over shot it and wound up a a meter and a half above me, giving me enough time to get out of the tree and onto the the floor where I could hopefully make it to the farmhouse without being caught.

Things changed once I was out of the tree, and it wasn’t for the better. Rainbow Dash took off while still in the foliage of the apple tree and caught up with me in no time, and the only thing that prevented me from being caught was quick thinking and agility whenever she swooped down to grab me. Rainbow ended up in trees more often than not, so I used the time that I earned to sprint away, but when she changed tactics to follow me on foot, I knew my advantage was about to be gone even with the decent head start I had gotten. There was little I could do besides run up a tree and hope she followed, but the farmhouse was within my sights so I pushed myself harder. I never made it there, but points for effort, right?

Rainbow Dash tackled me from behind and dragged me to the floor. I was feeling a bit winded from all the running, but that didn’t stop me from fighting back. She and I were about evenly matched, but my high protein diet and wily ways proved to be more than she could handle. I took my place on top and smiled down at her as I held her hands above her head.

“No fair!” Rainbow shouted, struggling against my grip.

“Hey, you tackled me! You had the upper hand and you let it go to waste, so you can only blame yourself here.”

“Get off!”

“Make me, Baby Blue!”

Rainbow struggled harder, but I held her wrists firmly and she couldn’t get much in the way of leverage in the loose dirt that we were on, so she was well and truly stuck. I gave her my most shit-eatingest grin and she stuck her tongue out at me.

“Alright, you’ve made your point, so let me up already!”

“I will, just promise me that you won’t make me regret doing so.”

She rolled her eyes. “Fine, I promise that I won’t make you regret letting me up.”

I glanced at her fingers and saw that her index and middle fingers on both hands were crossed. “Yeah, no crossing your fingers when you make promises. That’s a no-no.”

Rainbow uncrossed her fingers and huffed. “I promise, okay?”

I let go of her wrists and backed off, offering her a hand up. Rainbow got to her feet and shot me a dirty look. “What did you want anyway? You could have just woken me up if you wanted my attention that badly, you know.”

“I don’t like waking people up, it’s rude. And I didn’t really want your attention that badly, I just wanted to mess with you for a bit.”

“Dude, that’s messed up.”

“It was fun. If you were in my position, you would have done something along the same lines, though I think you would have gotten me while I was sleeping like the dirty trickster you are.”

“Me? The dirty trickster? I think you might be looking in a mirror, bub.”

“This mirror makes me feel cocky and bull headed.” I grinned.

“Yeah yeah yeah, laugh it up. I’ll get you next time!”

“Well, we already know I can’t run, so hiding is going to be my best bet. I’m sure I have some hiding places that you couldn’t get me in.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

“Why would I tell you that?” I spread my hands.

“I dunno, maybe you can’t keep a secret.”

I gave her a flat look and she blushed. “E-Everypony slips up now and again.”

“You keep forgetting that I’m not a Pony. I don’t slip up, I make bad choices.”

“What’s the difference?”

“The difference is fuck you.”

“Dude! That doesn’t make any sense!”

“Neither do Pinkie and Rarity but you still hang out with them, now don’t you?”

“Rarity makes sense if you look at it from a frou-frou frilly kinda perspective.”

“Fair enough. I’d ask you if there’s anything you want to do today, but we’re going to be out of daylight soon enough.”

“Sweet! Night’s my favorite time of day! You can sleep all you want, nopony’s up to bother you, and you can practice all you want outside of town!”

“I’m more of a night owl myself, though I prefer it for its serenity and climate. Never have been fond of overly warm weather.”

“I’m gonna warn you now; things get cold here in Ponyville.”

“Do you know anything about the winters in Bridleland?”

“Not really, I just know that they’re pretty brutal some years. Why the weather ponies operate like that doesn’t make any sense to me.”

“It just so happens that I’m practically from Bridleland, so I think I’ll be fine.”

“Suit yourself, dude. Just don’t come cryin’ to me like everypony else when the first few snowflakes show up on your lawn.”

“Unless you make it go higher my house, we’ll be fine. Just give me a heads up before the real bad stuff comes in, yeah? I need to make sure I have enough food and water on stock.”

“Didn’t you have weather ponies drop off supplies where you’re from?”

“Uh, no? We don’t have weather ponies at all since all of our Ponies have four hooves and can’t fly, let alone people that can actually move clouds like you can. Magic doesn’t exist in my world, remember?”

“Uh, no? I don’t think you’ve ever told me that.”

“Must have been Twilight then. The woman asks so many fucking questions!”

“Yeah, well, I have a thing I gotta go do.” I deadpanned. “No seriously! I’m supposed to help Pinkie bake something since Twilight isn’t allowed to help her any more.”

“Oh, I heard about that. Don’t do anything that might get you kicked out of the bakery, yeah?”

“Whatever, dude, it’s not like I’m experimenting or testing anything. It’s just baking.”

I rolled my eyes and started walking to the farmhouse. “You only ever need one tablespoon of yeast.”

Rainbow didn’t answer, and when I looked back, I could see dust swirling as well as her chromatic trail fading off into the distance. I made a face, thinking about how easily she could have caught me if she was being serious about it, but she wasn’t and I still got taken down. It was a sobering experience, having your pride take a hit from someone shorter than you, especially since I knew there could be a repeat performance sometime in my near future.

With the possible consequences of my actions ringing through my head, I rapped briskly on Applejack’s door and awaited a response, which came after a few moments. My favorite old lady (besides Celestia) answered the door with a grin and sat me down in the kitchen, fixing up a nice cup of ice cold cider for me. It may have just been apple juice, but I prefer to refer to Applejack’s juices when I speak of the topic, though she’s told me to stop a few times. I chuckled to myself while Granny Smith rambled on about some fairly interesting history that would have been more engaging if she could have followed a single train of thought for more than fifteen seconds at a time. In any case, I had a good time trading stories with Granny, but I found that I didn’t need to censor anything with her like I did with the girls, stroke Applejack. I suppose I could see where she got her world wise ways from, if Granny Smith was anything to go by.

While I was telling Granny Smith about the time I stole a man’s watch from him during a conversation, Applejack and Apple Bloom swung in, though Apple Bloom was only there for a quick snack for her and her friends so she only stayed for a few minutes. Applejack, on the other hand, only caught the tail end of my story before I cut it off for Apple Bloom’s sake, so I told my story again and garnered a withering glare from Applejack, though Granny Smith was chuckling through most of it. When the older Apple started with some interesting lines, Applejack hurriedly made an excuse for us to be anywhere but there, and thus we were on a walk through town with the sun setting and the townsfolk petering out of the streets.

“So what brought ya by?” Applejack asked as we entered the town. “I don’t think you just wanted to listen to Granny, and I kinda doubt that you just wanted to swing by.”

“Actually, I was planning on taking a few days to visit everyone and you were the last one on my list from our circle of friends, so yeah, I did kinda just swing by.”

“Aw, would ya look at that. Max here is checkin’ up on his little buddies.” Applejack jibed.

“You’re one of those little buddies, just so you know. Now I’m regretting saving you for last.”

“Why did you put me last anyway? I thought you woulda saved Fluttershy or Twilight for my spot.”

“I saved the best for last, of course.” I answered with a grin. “You’ve been a better friend to me than any of the girls besides that one thing, so you’re pretty much my best friend here.”

Applejack went quiet, though we kept walking. The silence didn’t feel awkward, but I could tell that there was something on her mind.

“Whatcha thinkin’ about, AJ?” I inquired.

“Just wonderin’ how the pony that put you halfway in the grave became your best friend.”

“It’s a curious conundrum, isn’t it? It either means that you’re a great friend, or that the rest of the girls are terrible people.” I commented casually.

“I’m hopin’ that it means I’m a great friend, ‘cause I ain’t too fond of you talkin’ trash about the girls”

“Look, love, they’re our friends. You’d be lying to yourself if you said they haven’t shown some pretty bad qualities.”

“I ain’t sayin’ that they don’t, it’s just that ya shouldn’t be talkin’ about friends like that.”

“I would never say anything to you that I wouldn’t say to any of them in person, and you should know me well enough to believe that. You and the girls have some pretty glaring character flaws if you ask me.”

“Oh yeah? What’s so bad about me?” Applejack stopped and put her hands on her hips.

“Your temper, for one. In fact, I’m pretty sure that you’re getting heated over this conversation, so let’s just let it go.”

“I don’t think so, buster! You done opened this can of worms, so I think you should-”

“Drop the subject before I actually go and piss you off?” I interrupted. “Seriously, you’re just trying to be mad at this point. Just let it be, love.”

“Don’t call me love.” Applejack snapped.

“Would you prefer something else?” I responded evenly.

“I dunno, yeah?” She huffed.

“How about Bunbun or Peaches?”

Applejack cooled off quickly, though she seemed annoyed now. “I have a cousin named Sweet Peach, and Bunbun sounds too close to BonBon.”

“Hmm… How about we scratch anything fruit related right now?”

“Good idea. Sorry about gettin’ so upset, I-”

“Don’t worry about it. Let’s move on, yeah?”

Applejack gave me a grateful smile and we started walking again. “Let’s not do that, actually. It’s not like I’m your fillyfriend or anything, so I don't really need one.”

“That’s true, but I already gave Rarity a pet name and she’s not my girlfriend, so I think you deserve one too.” I returned her smile with a muted one of my own.

“Oh really? What do you call Rarity?”

“Bonny. It means beautiful.”

“That’s pretty fittin’, not that I find her attractive.” She added quickly. “I just recognize that she looks good, that’s all.”

“Are you telling me that you wouldn’t shag her if you had the chance?” I lifted a brow.

“Sugarcube, I’ve had the chance and I passed, though I mighta just read the situation wrong. How about we leave this topic behind and go back to pet names?”

“I thought you didn’t want one.” I teased.

“I’d rather get a pet name than explain that one”

“You know, normally I would press you for that story since it seems harmless enough-”

“It really ain’t.”

“You had my interest, and now you have my attention.” I grinned.

“Not happenin’. How about firefly? I don’t know anypony with that name and I like it. Around here, if you call one of your mares firefly, it means that they help guide ya through tough times.”

“You have done that for me. I guess you can be my little firefly.”

Applejack grimaced. “When ya say it like that, it gets awful patronizin’.”

“You picked it out, firefly. Now you gotta deal with it.”

“If that’s the way it is, then why don’t I give you one?”

“I’m open to the idea. I’m fond of Stud, Stud muffin, Sex Ba-Bomb, Italian Stallion, and Dikfuk.”

She gave me a stern look. “Yeah, no. None of those sound quite right. How about Sugar Butt?”

I returned her look with one of my own. “No.”

“Champ?”

“What am I, your kid brother?”

“What about Good Lookin’?”

“Generic as Hell. How do you feel about Ace?”

“We’ll come back to it. How does Killer sound to you?”

“Never call me that, please.” I requested softly.

Applejack’s eyes widened. “I-I’m sorry, I forgot about that.”

“Skip it and move on. Hell, I’d even take 'twinkle' at this point.”

She gasped and pointed at me. “That’s it! It’s perfect!”

“Wait, what? No it’s so not perfect!”

“No, it is! You always get that little twinkle in your eye when you’re about to do somethin’ stupid!”

“...It’s going to stick, isn’t it? Can’t we go back to Ace?”

Applejack grinned and lightly cuffed my shoulder. “Sorry twinkle, but I just don’t think it’s goin’ away.”

It was my turn to grimace. “I won’t call you my little firefly in public if you don’t call me twinkle.”

“It’s more of a private thing anyways.”

“I just wish you hadn’t picked something so embarrassing.”

Applejack gave me a brilliant smile and we walked on through the town. We chatted all the way to the park where we sat and watched the sunset, which was another romantic thing that I probably should have done with someone that I was actually dating, but that thought brought another in turn: Why not date Applejack? Besides the one thing, she had done little besides be a pretty good friend to me, the sex was fucking phenomenal, she looked good, and she was loyal. There were a lot of things that I could see in Applejack that were good girlfriend material, but I didn’t want to stretch myself too thin by dating too many woman. My heart ached a little, but I thought it would be for the best if I left our relationship where it was, rather than push for something I didn’t even know if she’d accept. I suppose now that I should have looked at the clues that the universe seemed to be throwing in my face, but even as I gaze back in hindsight, I still believe I made the correct choice when I held my tongue. Of course it would irritate me to see her with someone else, but...

Ah fuck. I’ve fallen in love with my best friend.

Chapter Twenty-One: A Task From The Past
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Twenty-One: A Task From The Past

Chapter Twenty-One: A Task From The Past

I had no idea what to do with my day, and it already seemed like it was going to be a long one. After my little revelation last night, sleep eluded me and my stomach twisted itself into knots, raveling and wrapping itself into neat little bows that filled me with the desire to do anything else but lay down. On the bright side, I used the carpentry tools I had bought some time ago to make a passable deck chair. It wasn’t exactly pretty and it may have been a bit lopsided, but it was nothing a well placed shim couldn’t fix. Working in the dark had been pretty annoying since my porch light wasn’t the best, although it still worked well enough to let me get the job done.

The Sun was rising by the time I had gotten the worst of the rough stuff off of the wood and I hadn’t slept a wink all night. Lupa was still over at Fluttershy’s, but I didn’t really want to deal with either of them at the moment. In fact, I really didn’t want to deal with anyone. I knew that my day would be even longer if I didn’t go do something, but there was nothing I wanted to do, no one I wanted, and the one thing I needed to get off of my chest at the time was something I couldn’t take to any of the girls due to me not trusting them enough to keep it quiet. Well, that was a bit bit untrue. I trusted Rarity and Fluttershy to do right by me, but I knew they would pressure me into revealing my feelings about Applejack, and it just wasn’t something I wanted to deal with.

I sat down in my newly made chair and watched the sun rise. I would have enjoyed it more if my heart wasn’t so divided, but I made the most of it by getting started on a different project. I began by checking to make sure that my knives were in their respective sheaths and packing a few days worth of food and water. I had no real idea how to make a bow, but there was no doubt in my mind that I could find something worthwhile in the Everfree, so I went to the forest’s entrance near Fluttershy’s house and started what would hopefully be a short journey.

Four hours later, I had the haunch of some goat looking thing in my satchel and a few thick branches dragging along behind me, tied to my waist by a rope. I had surfaced from the Whitetail Woods right next to my house, so I didn’t have far to walk, which I was extremely glad for. I didn’t want to stroll through town with the cloying scent of blood stuck to me, and I really didn’t want to explain just what I was going to do with the leg in my bag, so it was pretty convenient. Once I got home, I cut the branches down a bit and shoved them in my shed to dry out before collecting some deadfall from the nearby forest to make a little log cabin style campfire. I still had the massive pyre that I had built a month ago, which reminded me that I needed to get my little party put together again.

Facepalming, I deconstructed my unlit fire, grabbed a shovel from the shed, dug out a small hole, and lined the small pit with broad leaves that I had brought from the Everfree. After putting the meat that I had poorly skinned in the pit, I covered it with a few more of the large leaves and reconstructed my fire. Before I headed inside to get clean, I lit the fire to get the cooking process started. I had no clue if the meat would be okay, but I remembered seeing something similar in a documentary that followed the lives of various indigenous peoples, so I had some hope that I would have my protein for the future sorted out. My telekinesis was really coming in handy when it came to killing shit.

Post shower, life was looking up. I still had that awful feeling in my stomach, but I had some stuff to do now, so keeping busy would help deal with that. I pulled out the sapling that I had cut down and inspected it for any imperfections, but it was a fucking tree and I don’t know shit about them, so it looked fine to me. I browsed through the four other types of wood I had brought with me, but none of them struck me like the sapling. There was something about it that told me it was made of better stuff than the others, but it really just looked like wood and bark to me. I trusted my gut and started whittling away at it, but it was slow going, though I was glad for it. The monotony of the task really helped pass the time, and after a few hours, I had a rather respectable shaft, ripe and ready for whacking. I used a rasp to flatten out the tips and looked over my handiwork, checking for straightness and any notches in the wood that were too large. Finding it to be straight enough, I grabbed another piece of sandpaper from my quickly diminishing supply and worked on getting the surface smooth, progressively moving down to finer grits until I was was sure I would have to buff it to get it any smoother. I hadn’t planned on making a staff, but it just seemed like a good use for the wood, and it also meant I had a walking stick I could carve things into for shits and giggles.

I decided to keep practicing my whittling with smaller pieces of wood and, as it turns out, I’m not complete shit at it. I had a decent looking cartoon face carved into the stick I was working on and wanted to see how far this would take me. I picked up another piece of softwood and delved into the wonderful world of woodworking. By the time the sun set, I made a goofy looking dog with two legs that were shorter than the others. I set it down on my coffee table and figured that I would give it to Celestia as a sweet gesture, so I wrote out a quick note, tied it to the figurine and sent it via dragonfire. I was mildly surprised to find that I could send things other than paper and food, but it was a good thing to know in case I ever wanted to carve a penis and send it to her in the middle of Day Court. That would be a good prank.

I cleaned up the mess I’d made and collected all the wood shavings, sawdust, and scrap wood, putting it on my bonfire so I could get it out of the way. Now that I was starting to get bored, I went into town and looked for the Lock Pad. When I got there, Onyx’s clerk at the counter was the same dim fellow who had locked himself in the closet the one time. He told me that Onyx was in the back where he usually resided when he wasn’t installing locks or picking them for people. I thanked the fellow as I started heading deeper into familiar territory and caught the guy I was looking for at the door, just as he was about to take his lunch break. I mentioned that I needed to talk to him and borrow some of his wisdom, and he welcomed me to join him. Actually, he said something along the lines of ‘Then shut up and let’s get on with it’, but it's the same difference.

Once we got settled down on a bench at the park, he cracked open his lunchbox and I started talking. “So I’m having girl problems, right-”

“S’whatcha get for taking on so many at once. I have two mares I see regularly, and neither are ready to make a real commitment.” Onyx grumbled before taking a bite of his sandwich.

“Mate, that’s not even the problem here.”

He chewed for a moment. “So what is the problem?”

“I’m pretty sure I’ve fallen for one of my friends with benefits, who also just happens to be my best friend.”

“Yup, you bucked yourself there, kiddo. If you really want my advice, then here it is: Wait. Wait a week or two and see how you feel. Think about why you feel the way you do about him or her, I don’t judge, and decide for yourself whether or not to tell them once you’re certain. Nothing good will come of trying to keep it between you and someone who’s close to them, so you’re already making some decent choices when it comes to who you talk to this with.”

“I know you’re not close to her, but how do you know?”

“It’s one of the Elements of Harmony, right?”

“Yeah?”

“The only one I ever talked to was Twilight, and I think I scared her off well enough that she won’t come back with more questions. From what I know of you, she ain’t your type.”

“She’s really not, but I’m still dating her for some odd reason. Maybe I just need to learn to be a worse person and start scaring more people off.”

“It only ever works well when you’re as big as me, Knuckle, or Macintosh. You’re a little on the short side to pull it off, but you do have those predator teeth you like to flash at ponies.”

“It’s just how I smile, man! I didn’t pick my teeth, they just kinda came with being human, and there’s nothing anyone could say to dissuade me of their uses.”

“Gotta admit, I wanted to ask how meat tasted when I first saw ‘em, but it’s impolite to ask that around most non-ponies.”

I shot Onyx a bleak look. “As much as you take the piss with me, you’re worried about coming off as impolite?”

Onyx shrugged. “Just around other ponies. I have to keep up appearances to keep my business alive, but in reality? I’m just an old ex guard that’s seen more than my fair share, and in doing that, I got a lot of questions that I’d like answered. So what does meat taste like?”

“I have a few samples at home if you want to try it for yourself. After I spent some time in the Everfree, I went back to the roots of my kind and started hunting, though my methods couldn’t be much further from what my ancestors used.”

“You know what? I haven’t taken a real day off since I retired from the Night Guard-”

“Wait, you were a Night Guard?”

“Yeah? What of it?”

“Most Night Guards I see are either grey or dark grey, and the variation is only because of different lighting.”

“They use magic to change your coat when you join the ranks. I swear to Celestia, if I hear so much as a peep about a pink Night Guard…” He shot me a black glare.

I gulped. “Not from me, you won’t. I like my bones unbroken, thank you very much.”

“Knew you had a good head on your shoulders. I’m gonna go let Knuckle Duster know he’s gotta get out of my shop or into Tartarus.”

“I’m pretty sure you don’t know where my house is.”

“Everypony knows where you live around here, Max.”

I shivered. “That’s fucking creepy.”

He shrugged. “It’s what you get when you live in a small town full of gossips.”

“I might move my house, if anything then just to get off of people’s radar. Seriously, I think I’m going to be ill.”

“Save it for later and let’s get moving. I want to see what the deal is about eating living things.”

“For starters, you don’t eat them alive.”

“Shut up, smart ass.”

A passing donkey glanced over and huffed. I wasn’t even aware that donkeys existed here, nor that there were any in Ponyville. I traded a look with Onyx and he rolled his eyes, leading the way back to his shop where he told Knuckle to fuck off, and after that, we were on our way back to my place so he could finally get some meat in his mouth.

The trip back home was quick enough, but the important part is that some jet black pony with a red mane was walking toward my house. The color scheme was familiar since I hadn’t seen many jet black ponies, well, ever and I vaguely remembered meeting someone who was. It suddenly clicked and a smile broke out across my face. I hurried Onyx along and we slowly started gaining on him, though we caught him at my house anyways. Crimson had heard us approach and waved, so I waved back and explained who he was to Onyx, but he didn’t appear to be listening. Instead, he picked up his pace and went to go hulk over my friend.

“What the hay are you doing here.” Onyx rumbled in a lethal voice.

“Here to visit a friend,” Crimson responded cooly, “wasn’t expecting to see a familiar face.”

“Yeah, I bet you weren’t.”

I looked between them, and while Onyx’s tone was overtly hostile, I couldn't get anything from their postures that would tell me if they were about to scrap, so I sat back and waited.

Crimson coughed a couple times and looked over to me. “I see you’ve met my old mentor, Daisy Carni-” He ducked suddenly and Onyx’s fist occupied the air where his face had once been.

“I taught you not to call me that years ago, you ungrateful shit head!” Onyx snarled.

“Old habits die hard, old monster!” Crimson answered with a grin.

I mimicked Crimson and went over to pat Onyx’s shoulder. “Now now, ladies, let’s not mess up my house over who’s prettier, okay? Onyx, you are, just for the record.”

He grimaced and took a swing at me this time, but I had been expecting it, so I tried to dodge to the side, only to find that I couldn’t move my feet. Onyx’s swing came through and his massive hand planted itself on my chest with a resounding slap, the sound echoing comically despite how much it had stung at the moment.

Crimson chuckled from behind me, releasing his bullshit magic, and Onyx copied him in front of me. “Oi! You cheeky bastards can’t team up!” I argued.

“Whatever you say kiddo.” Onyx grunted. “It’s good to see you again, little monster.” He said, turning towards Crimson.

“I’m not little any more, old monster, and you would do well to remember that unless you want to ruin Max’s lawn.”

I waved a hand in the air. “Yeah, catch up all you want. Just don’t break my shit and we’ll be cool.” I rubbed a hand over my still smarting chest.

They both chuckled at that and I rose up from my bent over position. I lead them inside and went to grab a bottle of something that burns, but I remembered that I no longer kept much in the way of alcohol in the house. Well, barring the wine… With an evil grin, I fetched a pitcher, filled it with water, grabbed three glasses and went for the wine. Crimson gave me an odd look when I came back with a wine bottle and water, but he continued catching up with his old mentor while I did my running about. After I found my shot glass, I returned and started filling glasses with water, then pouring half a shot into each.

“Skimping on us pretty hard, aren’t you?” Onyx chuckled.

I grinned and gestured for them to take a sip, and when they did, their faces screwed up hilariously. “Trust me to keep the good stuff. From what I’ve been told, this wine is about a thousand years old.”

“Where the hay did you find something like that?” Crimson asked.

“Spent a month in the Everfree and found some dope shit.” I shrugged. “Onyx, if you ever need a battle axe for any reason, I have one.”

“No thanks, I still have my old one, and I keep it in usable condition.” He traded a look with Crimson and they spoke in unison. “A dull weapon is a decoration. A sharp weapon is a tool.”

I shook my head and they had a chuckle. “I’m guessing that’s some old guard adage?”

“It is. It’s also one of the things I had to beat into Crimson so he would look after his sword.” Onyx grumbled.

“Shut up, old monster! The way I took care of it before was fine, and you know it!”

“You made the blade as sharp as a damned razor! How the hay did you expect it to keep an edge like that!?”

“By taking care of it, duh!” Crimson responded.

I sipped my watered down wine. “Not to break up the happy reunion, but it’s been awhile since we’ve seen each other, Crimson. What brings you to my little slice of Hell?”

“What? A guy can’t just come and drop in on a friend to see how he’s been?” Crimson asked innocently.

“Sure they can, but not when it’s been as long as it has. I thought you forgot about me.”

Onyx rolled his eyes. “Crimson ain’t one for keeping in touch.”

Crimson blushed (somehow) and scratched at his face. “I meant to write you, but I just got so caught up-”

“In chasing ugly stallions so you could get your rocks off. I know what you’ve been up to, you lecherous slacker.” Onyx winked.

Crimsons blush grew. “Just because they’re high society stallions doesn’t mean they’re ugly; you just hate the upper crust style of dress.”

“They look like they’ve been put in a bucket of last night’s leftovers and thrown to the pigs.” Onyx scoffed.

They bickered back and forth for a while longer, and I quickly got bored, though adding another shot of wine to my glass helped with that. “So are you two just going to bitch and moan all night, or are we going to bring out the meat and figure out why my one time partner is here?”

“Meat?” Crimson asked with an odd look crossing his face.

“Partner?” Onyx asked at the same time. “I thought you were more of a ladies stallion.”

“I’m not gay. Crimson and I worked a job in Gryphonia not too long ago, but I haven’t seen him since.” I explained.

“Ah. Then if he’s here, it’s nothing for my ears, even if I was the guy who preceded him.” Onyx casually commented.

“Wait, you were an Operative too?” I asked, shocked.

“He was, and he was the best in his generation.” Crimson expounded. “My mentor here was so good, he went on more black operations than any other pony in history, and he even had a ninety one percent success rate!” Crimson smiled in pride.

“That was a long time ago, Crimson, and you know that.” Onyx responded softly.

“Yeah, I’m sensing a sad story and I don’t think this is the time to get into it. Lemme grab you a care package and I’ll see you some other time, okay?” I said to Onyx.

I grabbed some newspaper that I never read and wrapped a few slices of dried meat in it before handing off to Onyx. We agreed to meet for a proper beer at the bar in town later tonight, press ganging Crimson into joining us. Once he was gone, I sat down across from Crimson and we got started on business.

“So I’m sure you heard about another job in Gryphonia, haven’t you?” Crimson asked in a low voice.

“I think so, but as I’ve said earlier, I spent a month in the Everfree, so a lot of things are foggy.”

“Right. The job this time is harder than the last one, and as you probably guessed, it’s in Gryphonia.”

“Wait, this isn’t the assassination that Celestia forbade me from doing, is it?” I asked, astonished.

Crimson slowly nodded. “Princess Luna told me that Princess Celestia put a cease to any actions that would carry you into the line of fire, which is the main reason we haven’t seen each other in so long. I’ve been picking up the missions that are supposed to be yours due to Princess Celestia’s unwillingness to let you get hurt.”

I clicked my tongue. “Dammit, I’m sorry mate, but I can’t really go against her unless I want to risk losing her, you know?”

“What do you mean by that? I thought you were just one of Celestia’s favorites since you were a one of a kind.”

“I really hope that’s not the case since I’m dating her.” I responded drily.

Crimson coughed a couple times. “Moving on now. Princess Luna took the assassination on the Gryphonian King, but she couldn't get close enough to him to carry it through. She tried poison, magic, direct assault, indirect assault, bribery, and all manners of things that would make you cringe, but none of them got her close enough. The one time she had a chance, Queen Elfriede ratted her out and her cover was nearly blown, so in order to prevent the war that would ensue, she pulled back. Now, Princess Luna has sent me to ask for your help.” Crimson set his jaw and leaned forward. “What do you say?”

“Look, mate, as much as I want to help, I love Celestia way more. Going behind her back to handle a situation that she specifically told me not to sounds like a slap in her face.”

“I know love is a powerful thing, Max, I really do, but we don’t have another option here. Things are getting tense up north, and they’re getting worse by the day. Ponies are already dying because of Celestia’s actions.” And she didn't tell me? Mate, how are you okay with this?

“...Then there’s little I can say against that. I understand too well what lives are worth for me to sit back and do nothing. When do we leave?”

“As soon as possible. I can have a message sent to Onyx if you want to explain our absence.”

“I’ll do it. I need to pick up Lupa before we go anyways, so give me some time to get my notes written out. We’ll go as soon as Lupa gets here.”

“Lupa’s your wolf, right? I’m sure you’ll be glad to have her when you’re in Gryphonia.”

“Wait, I’m going in solo?” I asked.

Crimson nodded slowly and I rubbed my face. “Not the first time. I’ll make it through, though I wish I’d at least have you to back me up.”

“I’d happily go with you, but if I could go, I’d be the one doing it anyway. The reason you’re the only one who can do anything is because you’re the only one who isn’t in the roster. Trust me when I say that it’s been bleak for our fellow operatives, knowing that we can’t get back into Gryphonia.”

“I’m sure it has since that means you can’t get paid.” I smirked.

“We take jobs outside of Gryphonia, I assure you. It just so happens that you’ve been unlucky enough to keep getting stuck there.”

“Yeah, it’s just great. Next thing you’ll tell me is that you’ll be going to some tropical island while I freeze my arse off.”

Crimson just shrugged and smiled. “You cheeky fuck!” I exclaimed.

“Calm down, I’ll only be in the South for a while, and there really aren’t many islands near where I’m going. I’m just glad it’s somewhere warm and full of Ponies for once.” He sighed.

“I can understand that.” I rose and started getting things together. I packed my satchel full of clothes and food and kept my knives on me. I also grabbed my favorite jacket since I was sure that the autumn in Gryphonia was far worse than the one in Ponyville, so I collected that along with my scarf and some gloves before I started jotting down two notes. One was to Onyx to let him know that we weren’t going to be able to have that drink, and the other was to ask Fluttershy to send Lupa my way. Once that was said and done, Crimson and I sipped our drinks in silence while I thought about random things, like how the captain of Celestia’s guard was probably Twilight’s brother. It had occurred to me some time ago, soon after I realized that it had been Twilight’s parent’s house that I had broken into, but it did make me wonder why Twilight never brought the guy up. One would think that having a relative in the service is something to be proud of, but I guess that’s just not how Twilight rolls.

About thirty minutes after I’d sent my notes, Lupa and Fluttershy were at my door and I had some explaining to do. I told Fluttershy the bare minimum, citing that it was something that Luna needed me to do and that it was something I couldn’t talk about. Fluttershy, of course, was not happy about that in the slightest since I had effectively told her nothing, but there was precious little I could do to rectify that. I told her that myself. We bickered back and forth for about ten minutes, which got to be tedious after answering the same questions with the same answers time after time. Eventually, I told Fluttershy that I was expecting to be gone for a week, and that at the very least, she knew that I was leaving this time. Her anger abated when she saw Crimson, and her face turned the same color as his hair when he introduced himself. I might have been a little jealous if I didn’t know that Crimson was gay. Fluttershy was pretty amusing, however, because she couldn’t get a word out of her mouth without stuttering. After I sent her off, Crimson, Lupa, and I went to the train station and started toward a town called ‘Sadsdale’. It sounded like a fun place to me.

The train ride was boring, though Lupa was happy to bounce around the car, looking out the windows and bothering anyone she got close to. I eventually corralled her back to my side, but even then, all she did was clamber over me to get a good view of the scenery passing by. Chuckling, Crimson and I did the same, though I lost interest pretty quickly. I generally prefer to walk through my scenery, thank you very much.

We arrived in Sadsdale soon enough, but the town was… Well, it was sad. The streets were made of the same stone that decorated most of the houses, and it gave the entire area a very grey feeling. I felt my anxiety lessen once we arrived, but it was replaced by a bone deep chill that lingered uncomfortably, but Crimson assured me that it was just the way Sadsdale worked. He explained that Sadsdale was a cursed town, doomed to always be under the weather, and I was inclined to believe him. The Sun was only beginning to set, and in the mopey little town, you could barely tell because the skies were so overcast. Between the grey, withered buildings and the dry, brown grass, there wasn’t even a note of color among in the town, even among the ponies who seemed to be made entirely of black, white, and grey. It was a jarring transition, coming from a town as colorful as Ponyville. The way the two little towns juxtaposed with each other, it was such a contrast that I stopped trying to make sense of it after a few minutes of being there.

Apparently, the Transportation Station we were heading to was on the other side of town which made for one hell of a walk. To say it was agonizingly boring would be a hideous understatement. Everything looked the same, even the people! Faces and places just blurred together, and if it wasn't for Crimson’s path finding spell, I rather doubt that we would have gotten to our first destination any time soon. We got through Boresville and greeted the Night Guard that was running the Teleportation Station, and by the looks of it, the guy was actually pretty happy to see us. He went from leaning against the wall with his eyes half closed to being quite the spritely, helpful fellow. Pretty good service if you ask me.

“Before I send you off to Hooverton, I need to give you this.” Crimson said as he handed me a slim, drab looking envelope.

“If it’s that important, why not just give it to me earlier?” I asked, waving it.

“Because it was pertinent that you get it here and now, according to Princess Luna. Speaking of, the address where you’ll be briefed is in there, as well as who will be briefing you.” Crimson took a deep breath. “Not much else to say. Just keep one eye open and stay safe. I might not keep in touch, but I do care about my friends.”

“Thanks mate, but you gotta show you care some time.” I grinned and patted his shoulder. “I’ll be alright. I’ve done crazier shit for worse reasons.”

“I really have a hard time believing that, Max. Have you really thought about your mission?” He asked.

“Nope, and that’s why I’m agreeing to do it. I know this is probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever done, but if I can save lives doing it, then it’s a worthy task and that’s all I need on my mind.”

Crimson was silent for a minute. “That’s so stupid, but I’ve seen you at work. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders and some pretty quick thinking, so here’s hoping.” He extended a hand and I shook it. “The best of luck.”

“Same to you, friend.”

Crimson stood back and the Night Guard stepped forward, leading me over to the teleportation runes. Lupa yawned and trotted behind me lazily, probably just waiting for the mission to start, and I was with her. The anxiety I had been feeling came back and my stomach did back flips, most likely trying to get me to turn back, go home, and save my miserable ass from jumping straight into the fire, but I still gave the nameless Night Guard the nod, and in a moment, I was looking at a familiar face from Canterlot.

Velvet Breeze stood in front of me with a clipboard and a slight frown on her face. She hadn’t looked up, but it was still odd to think of her doing anything other than smile. When she looked up, that frown deepened and her eyes narrowed.

“Max?” She asked cautiously.

“Yeah. Hullo Velvet.” I offered her a weak smile.

“I have no orders for you, so I’m guessing you already have them. If that’s the case, please exit the Teleportation Station and carry on with your business.” She said flatly.

“...Right. Will do.”

I left with Lupa en tow, opening the envelope I had been given while in Sadsdale while trying to push Velvet out of my mind. After asking around for a bit, I eventually found the address listed, though the name that was with it didn’t ring any bells. I didn’t think I’d ever heard of a ‘Starshine Nebula’ but I was hopeful that it would be Luna in disguise. Upon knocking on the door at the meeting place, however, I was quickly pulled inside and a bright white mare with pitch black hair and oddly large glasses was straddling me in moments. The woman held a finger to my mouth and slowly got up to look out of the blinds, gesturing for me to get up once the coast was clear.

Starshine smoothed out her dress and tugged at the sleeves of her sweater. “S-Sorry about that, but you never know who’s watching.” She cast a furtive glance toward the window and drew her curtains over them.

“...Yeah. Light green isn’t your best color, by the way.” I commented slyly.

She looked down at her white sweater and black dress. “I’m not wearing any light green.” Someone's forgetful.

“Are you sure about that? Actually, nevermind, I don’t care that much. Are you Starshine?”

“Please, call me Nebula.” She said meekly.

“Nebula then. You’re the one briefing me?”

She smiled a bit when I called her Nebula, but her face became more serious after that. “Yes, I’ll be giving you your information. Do you want the full mission specs or an abridged version?”

“All the important details. Not trying to get killed for not knowing some things.”

“The smart survive.” Nebula said with a grim smile. “We’ll start with the basics: The mission is in Otterwa, in King Adolf’s castle. You’ll be staying in the nearby town of Geflugelt, and you’ll be making your move from there. The King isn’t known to keep a rigorous schedule, so your best times will be at night or at dawn, when the guards change. However you want to complete the mission is fine, but you must confirm that you have actually slain the king, and for that, we need a piece of him.”

“...That’s pretty brutal.”

“It’s the nature of the job.” She shrugged.

“How tall are the outer walls?” I asked.

“The outermost walls are about six meters high, and the castle’s own walls are about one hundred and six meters at their tallest point.”

“What are the walls made of?”

“The outer walls were made from slabs of rough cut stone, and the inner walls are made from cobblestone and mortar.”

“Not bad. What do we know about guard rotations?”

“Princess Luna drew us a map, it’s in the dossier I’m giving you.”

“Great news. Lookout positions?”

“There’s a reason Princess Luna was able to get into the Castle so many times. There aren’t many lookouts on the outer walls, but ever since she failed, there have been more. There are still blind spots that you can use, as well as the castle sewer and laundry system.”

“Both of those sound like I’ll need plenty of luck to use them, so I think I’ll pass. How do they want his death to look? Am I going to be equipped with poison?”

Nebula raised her index finger and rushed off further into her house. I looked around a bit, but saw nothing of note besides a little statuette that looked a bit like a standard alien, oddly enough. She returned before I could inspect it in depth and she had three small vials in one hand, a pouch to hold them, and a large manilla envelope in the other. She handed the pouch to me and started with the red vial.

“This one here is called ‘The Red Menace’. I cooked it up myself!” She grinned. “It’ll cause intense hallucinations in its victims and once they die in their visions, they die in real life!” You're way too happy about that.

“...Sounds like a bad way to go.”

“It really is! All the mice I tested it on came back to haunt me and I had to get an exorcist, but I don’t think he got them all.” She scratched her chin. “Eh, whatever. Here.” She handed the vial to me and I put it in the pouch.

“Now this blue one,” She held it up. “Is supposed to put the victim into an unbreakable sleep. Eventually, they wither away and die, but it’s long and slow. It’s basically starving someone to death.” Nebula pursed her lips.

“Better than The Red Menace. What’s it called?”

“I didn’t make it, so I didn’t name it.” She shrugged and handed that one off to me. “The last one,” She held up the vial full of white stuff, “Is a little notorious. One drop, and you can wipe out a hamlet. It’s called ‘White Death’ but if you use it, you really should keep in mind that you might have some collateral damage.”

“...Did you make it?”

She looked away shiftily. “...Maybe.”

“How do you know what it does?” I asked slowly.

“Do you really want that question answered? The Princess asked for it, I made it. That’s all there is to it” She hissed.

“Which Princess?”

“Do you want it or not?”

“Not just no, but Hell no I’m not going to use something that might up my body count. I really don’t want to kill the King dude as is, but I don’t really have much of a choice.”

“That’s right. When it comes to the Princesses, nopony does.” She muttered darkly.

“I thought the ponies loved their eternal rulers?”

“Most, not all. If you’re working for them, you should have heard about me.”

“I have not heard of you, actually.”

“Seriously?”

“Celestia tries to keep me away from this line of work, in most cases.”

“I can understand why if you’re really her favorite like the rumors say.”

“Yeah, those rumors are probably true. I’m guessing you have a reputation for being some genocidal mad scientist type in the Dark Ops circles?”

“It takes all the drama out of a moment when you say it like that.” She huffed.

“It sure does.” I strapped on the pouch and looked at her. “Is there anything else I need to know, or can I get a headstart on travelling?”

“Yes, actually. We have friends in King Adolf’s staff that will help you get to where you’re going, but you can’t let them get caught. Equestria values it’s agents very highly, and any loss of life due to negligence is severely punished.”

“Yet Equestria uses poisons that can kill hundreds of people?”

“...Shut up and get to the border. You have a long walk ahead of you.” Nebula adjusted her glasses and turned her back to me.

With a grin, I left Lupa’s side and slid my arms around Nebula. “Don’t be that way, love,” I whispered in her ear, leaning into my 'accent'. “Can’t always be so… sensitive, now can we?” I nibbled on her ear and she jolted away.

I struggled to wipe the grin off of my face. “I-I-I I have to go do research!” She said quickly before making her exit. It was too easy.

“That was completely unnecessary.” Lupa huffed.

“But it was funny, was it not?”

Lupa snorted and lead the way out of the house. The Sun had been setting in Sadsdale, and here it was no different. With only a few hours of daylight left, Lupa and I asked around to see if there was an inn nearby. As it turns out, the inn was placed near the Teleportation station which just so happened to be clear across town, and since Hooverton was significantly larger than Ponyville, Farrier, or Sadsdale, that was a bit of a walk. Once Lupa and I arrived at the only inn in town, we were told that they didn’t allow pets, unless of course, the owner was willing to pay a fee. I tried to argue that Lupa could understand everything that he’d just said, but he just gave me an odd look and Lupa just laughed at me like the bitch she be.

I paid the extra fee and we walked up four flights of stairs to get to our room. Luckily, they had a dumbwaiter and a magical walkie talkie, so I was about to order food for Lupa and I. The food sucked, but it kept my stomach full, so I can’t really complain, though I can complain about the state of their mattress, which was complete bullshit. I swear, the pad I’d had at the Castle in the Everfree was softer.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next morning was a rough one. I was more than a little sore from the shitty brick I had been given to sleep on, but I still needed to get my journey underway. I spent a good fifteen minutes sitting on the side of the bed, contemplating what the shit had brought me to this level of retardation, but I cleared my head and got a move on before I could psyche myself out. I had a king to slay, after all.

The walk there was boring as shit, I didn’t meet anyone interesting, and the border guards were pricks, so I’ll skip all that noise. Lupa and I had some interesting talks about sexuality, life and death, and how I was practically forced into being with Celestia due to my position and first impression. The last one was an interesting one, but I won’t go into detail about it since it was long and boring, so deal with it. Especially if you’re not me or Celestia. Actually, if you’re not either of us, fucking kill yourself. You’d be doing the world a favor.

That aside, after two days journey, we arrived in Otterwa. The city itself was about as large as Canterlot, but the effect it had was so completely different. Tall brown spires dotted the city and the castle loomed menacingly over the town, its massive stone walls seemingly warding off any possible assailants. It was quite the sight to behold, and I was quickly realizing just how in over my head I was. A former petty thief was here, in the capital city of a foreign nation, to assassinate a king and set his wife up as his successor.

This was some serious RPG style bullshit.

Lupa and I made our way into the heart of the city in fits and spurts, trying to secure food and lodging for the night. We avoided back alleys at all times and stayed out in the open, making sure not to trust anyone that offered to take us somewhere themselves. Eventually, some grizzled old guard pointed us in the direction we wanted to go and we nabbed a room and some meat for the night. Lupa was grateful for the meal and I was grateful to have somewhere relatively safe to sleep, though I still kept my knife under the pillow.

Morning came and I got out out into the city and into the alleys. I had avoided them while entering the city because I wasn’t looking for that kind of trouble, but I had a feeling that I would find someone willing to answer some questions around there. I picked up a follower during my search though, and they were very bad at their craft. For one, they stayed way too close, and then they just made too much noise. I eventually turned a corner and ambushed them, spinning my tail around and slamming them into the wall next to me. My follower let out a loud squawk, but since I had them pinned against a wall with a knife against their throat, there was precious little they could do.

“Who are you and why are you tailing me?” I snarled in their face. I couldn’t tell if it was male or female.

“M-My name is Flint! You just looked weird! Don’t kill me, please, I-I have a sick sister!” Flint sputtered, terrified. Now that I had a chance to examine him, he seemed to quite a few years younger than me, if his generally gangly appearance was anything to go by. The crackling in his voice also clued me in, but I generally try not to let that play a part in any first impressions. After all, it wasn’t something anyone could control, and being a victim of puberty was just a fact of life.

“You should have thought of your sister before trying to follow me. Who sent you?”

“No one, I swear! I was just passing the time!”

“Right. You have ten seconds to tell me the truth before I start chopping pieces off of you.”

That got him properly motivated. “G-Godrick sent me! I don’t know him personally, but he pays me to follow interesting people, so that’s what I do! It’s all I do, I don’t get paid enough to die!”

His voice rang true, so I eased up. “Where can I find this ‘Godrick’ guy? I have a few questions for him.”

“I-I don’t know!” Flint clenched his hands.

“Thinking about decking me, aren’t you?” Flint gulped. “Yeah, don’t do that, it’ll get you killed until you die to death. Tell me where I can find your boss, and I’ll make sure your name doesn’t come up in conversation. If I have to find him myself, I’m selling you out so he can deal with you.”

He gulped again and gave me an address. Of course I didn’t believe him, so when he ran off, I had Lupa follow his scent and we tracked him down to an old, run down apartment that seemed like it was a haven for all sorts of unsavory types. The squat red brick structure had obviously seen better years, and the citizens of Otterwa may have passed by it, but even after an hour of watching the building, I noticed that no one actually looked at the thing, which made me more than a little nervous. If I wanted my information, I was going to have to go in with only Lupa as back up, and I had no idea what I was dealing with. After staking the place out for about thirty more minutes, I didn’t see anyone come out or go into the building, so I took a meandering path and approached the building from the alleyway behind it.

Behind the building was where the party resided. There were a few dozen Gryphons milling about, all carrying boxes of various sizes or weapons that looked pretty harmful if you found yourself on the wrong side of them. The Gryphons themselves were clearly cut from a different cloth that the ones I had seen on the streets, and I could see that I was going to have my hands full if things went south. It was in the way they walked; the way that the armed ones carried themselves that told me I was well and truly back to square one, dealing with the writhing underground of crime once again. For some odd reason, my heart skipped a beat and confidence sparked in my heart. This was where I clawed my way to a decent part of the food chain, a familiar enemy that I’d taken down before. This wasn’t Equestria with its minute niceties that restricted me from being who I was. No, this little alley behind a ramshackle tenement was analogous to where I had began my life as a thief, and it was here that I could be the me that I was before coming to Equestria.

I strolled down the alley with some swagger to maintain face and to give me the impression of someone who knew exactly what they wanted. I got a few cursory glances, but none of the freight haulers paid me much attention. The armed guards, on the other hand, kept an eye on me as I approached my destination. I paused at the back door to speak with one of the Gryphons guarding it.

“I’m looking for someone,” I said bluntly, “fellow named Godrick.”

The two burly Gryphons traded a look before they burst out laughing. “Yeah, no.” The one on the right said. “I don’t think our boss is looking to deal with any hosers like you right now. Why don’t you go grab some mead and see if he can make some time for you?”

“That sounds like something I’d rather be doing, but I rather need to speak with him. You two loyal henchmen wouldn’t take a bribe, now would you?” I tossed them a fifty bit coin each and they traded another look.

The one on the left spoke this time. “I wouldn’t go around flashing Equestrian gold around here, buddy. Brings all sorts of trouble.”

“Might make ya some friends, might make you some enemies.” The one on the right added.

“Let’s hope it just made me a couple friends then, yeah?” I replied calmly.

They the one on the right stared at me and his companion went inside. I took that as my cue to wait, so I had a staring contest with the fellow who stayed behind. He totally blinked first, in case anyone is keeping track, and I let him know, though he was confused. The guy shrugged and continued staring at me, which was awkward, but I’ve slowly grown a bit of a tolerance to awkward moments, seeing as how I spend so much time in them. Maybe I was becoming more shameless? Soon enough, the guy returned and gestured with his head for me to follow him in. I thought things were going far too easily, but I held the slightest hope that criminal elements in Gryphonia were incompetent and that they would give me what I needed.

The inside of the building was more like a factory than the apartment I had taken it for. I t reminded me of old pictures of the assembly lines in Detroit after the automotive boom. Rubble lined the walls, the eerie lighting casting queer shadows over what few surfaces it covered. There were more armed guards supervising dudes with boxes , and it seemed to be quite the well oiled machine, moving boxes in and out without so much as a misstep. To my left, there was a Gryphon opening a crate of some kind, and inside, there were several very long and very sharp looking spears, primed and ready for action.

My dumb arse had hunted down and bribed my way into seeing an arms dealer.

I’d only ever dealt with one before, and Slick Sagiano was a right prick at any given moment. I remembered the fellow as being a complete greaseball in every sense of the word, and that was why I had pulled multiple jobs on him for various clients over the years. You only get to short me once before you earn yourself a place on the menu. Of course, crossing Sagiano had had its repercussions, but they were manageable since the guy was an idiot anyway, only possessing any real kind of power because of his brother’s fearsome ways. I had no way of knowing if Godrick was Slick or Savage, but I was hoping that he would have the connections I was looking for. If I knew crime bosses at all, they often had their hands in multiple cookie jars, and I was willing to bet that Godrick was one fat cat, if his operation said anything about the scale of his efforts.

The grunt lead me up a staircase and to an office at the top of the building, and once we arrived, he knocked three times in a peculiar pattern before the clear sound of multiple locks being disengaged could be heard. Once the final and loudest lock had been dealt with, the door swung open to reveal a hulking mass of feathers and fur. Honestly, the guy looked like Lupa could be his lap dog. Needless to say, my bravery took a hit and I was tempted to call everything off and just go back to Equestria, but I’ve always been one to follow through, even in the shittiest of times.

“Is that the guy?” A mid twenties sounding voice called out from behind the behemoth.

“Yeah. Can you make Tiny standby?” The grunt yelled back.

“Tiny!” The guy in the room shouted. “Get out of the way!”

Tiny moved and the grunt grabbed my arm, leading me into the office. At a desk on the far side of the room, there was a youngish looking Gryphon with two scars that ran parallel across his face, clicking his talons together in anticipation. Tiny had moved to stand beside him, and the size comparison was nearly humorous, even the the Gryphon, who I assumed was Godrick, was about my size.

“So you’re the guy flashin’ bits around, huh?” Godrick monotoned. “You obviously aren’t from around here, so I’ll tell you now that it ain’t a good idea. The only reason you’re in here is because my little buddy Flint said you might be looking for me, and I think you followed him here, yeah?”

“I sure did.” I responded evenly.

“Yeah, you didn’t go to the place he told you, now did you?”

“Nope. I knew it was fake.”

“Which tells me you’re a pretty smart guy. Something that just doesn’t make sense to me, however, is why this smart guy is looking for me when he ain’t from here. Maybe you’d care to elaborate? How do you know about me?”

“Honestly?” I chuckled. “I learned your name from the kid. I figured that if you’re powerful enough to have interesting characters followed for the hell of it, you might have the connections to get me where I need to go.”

“I knew that runt would never be able to keep his mouth shut.” Godrick muttered darkly. “Whatever. I’ll hear you out since you went through all this trouble just to track me down, then. What do you want?” Godrick sat back in his seat and crossed his arms.

“I need a way out of the city in four days time. Nice and quiet, no questions asked, as close to Hildegarten as you can get me.” I said.

“Hildegarten? That’s a long ways away.” Godrick smirked. “That’ll cost ya plenty.”

“But you can get me there?”

“No shit, I can get anyone anywhere in this country! The only thing is that I want five hundred. Up front, no tricky business, you hear me?”

“I’ll give you half up front, but I want to know that you’ll actually do it.”

“Well that’s just too bad. You should have thought about that before you tracked me down, and now that you’re kinda stuck,” Godrick grinned evilly and spread his talons in front of him. “I just want you to empty your pockets.”

I stood very still and concentrated as Lupa lowered herself to the floor, preparing to lunge at the grunt next to us. I focused my efforts and my tendril began to take form.

“You see, the problem with that is that I don’t want to give you my shit, and you’re not going to take it from me. I’ll give you half up front, and half when I’m in Hildegarten.”

“Buddy, you don’t really have much of a choice here.” Godrick chuckled. “Tiny, shake him down and-”

I swung my wrecking ball and Tiny’s head exploded into a fine red mist. Godrick blinked a couple times and started wiping his henchman’s blood off of his face while is other colleague just stood in shock. I placed a hand on Lupa’s back to keep her from taking out the grunt, staring hard at Godrick.

“I have a few choices, now don’t I? I could finish the job and kill everyone in this room, or I could leave with what I came for, and we could have ourselves a merry little agreement. What do you say, Godrick; will I have to hunt you down a second time?” I asked coldly.

“...It’ll get done. Four days time. Meet ‘em at the Worried Wasp, name’s Frieda.” Godrick said cautiously.

I walked over and set four fifty bit coins down on his desk, followed by another two. “For your business and for your loss.” I turned and stared at the grunt who had lead me in and he moved toward the door and lead me back out, jumping at most of the sudden, loud noises that were going on within the building. I was guessing that the guy was terrified since I had just made his buddy’s head turn into jelly and gristle, but that was no reason to be so cold. I myself was feeling a bit queasy, but I ate my feelings of regret to fuel my desire to get this over with.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next day, I picked up three more tails while out and about, gathering information. I lost each of them with a well practiced ease, but I was sure that there would be more as I kept digging. In seedy bars and worn down saloons, I made my inquiries and doled out bits to build a decent web of information. By my second day there, I had a half-assed network of bums and prostitutes tipping me off in one way or the other to interesting happenings in the castle. I kept my operations to a low profile, but I still garnered interest from my efforts and had to switch inns twice. The place that I was staying at now was on the outskirts of town, around the back of the castle where things got awfully slimy real quick. While I was collecting information for the day, I ran into someone on the street who pointed me in the direction of an old crone. The person themselves had been nondescript in every way, and when thinking about them, I can only remember that they looked like the average Gryphon.

I followed my newly begotten lead late into my third day, heading down winding alleys and streets to find the hovel that held the crone I was supposed to speak with. Lupa aided me in my search by sniffing around, but without a sample or really knowing what she was looking for, there wasn’t much that could give us a solid lead. Still, after an hour or two of searching, we found a broken down house that should have been, by all rights, condemned and destroyed long ago. I stood on the crumbling stoop and knocked on the door, softly at first, then hard once my knocks went unanswered. Eventually, a nearly featherless, withered old woman came to the door.

“I heard you the first time, you know.” She groaned.

“Sorry, but I wondered if you were even here.” I shrugged. “Are you the one they call ‘Soothsayer’?”

“Bitch, I might be.”

I blinked. “Well okay then. I was told that you could ‘aid me in my journey’ or something.”

“I probably can. I’m a talented old lady, you know.” She cackled harshly. “Come in, boy. We got a lot to talk about and not enough time to do it.” The old lady disappeared back into her ramshackle… Hut? I would call it a hut, I suppose.

Following her in, candles lit most of the hazardous hut, so I didn’t have any issues there, but the smell that resided within was heavy and thick, making one’s head spin. It was definitely herbal in nature, but it wasn’t something that I was familiar with, so I couldn’t identify it, but I knew that there was far too much of it in such an enclosed space. My bitching aside, the old lady was very hospitable, bringing me a cup of some oddly flavoured tea that burned in just the right way going down. I had learned that the Gryphons were certainly fond of their alcohol, and whiskey in particular through mingling with the locals. Of course, if anything worth recording had been mentioned, I would have done so, but it was mostly just trading stories like so many of my other interactions, which was exactly what I was expecting to happen with my host.

We sat down on cushions around the remnants of a fireplace and sipped our tea. Shortly after finishing my tea, my host took my cup from me and dumped the regs on the saucer that had come with it. She poked and prodded at the leaves for a moment, making ‘hmm’ noises as she did. I always thought that reading tea leaves was on of the dumber bits of divination, but in a land chock full of magic, my disbelief was suspended.

“Hmm…” My host scratched her chin. “You’re here for some very nefarious reasons, if I’m reading these correctly. Why you trippin’?” She asked.

“...It’s only nefarious if you consider it so. What else was in your little reading?” I asked, skipping the unimportant bit.

“Well, besides the fact that you’re more than likely going to die while trying to complete your mission, not much to be completely honest.” She shrugged. “I hope you succeed with whatever you’re doing, you seem like a nice enough young man, after all, but I rather doubt that the path you’re on will bring any sort of happiness to you. Should you live through your current endeavor, there is only tragedy ahead of you.”

“That’s not foreboding in the slightest. If I manage to live, what am I looking at?”

The crone took another look at the dregs. “Well, I see loss of some sort, enmity, and pain. I wish I could tell you more, but the sign of imminent death is taking up a lot of your space, home slice.” Why do you talk like some Chav half the time?

“So even if I don’t die, I’m looking at a sucky life?” I sighed. “I already knew that much.”

“Hey, don’t shoot the messenger, playa! I haven’t even told you that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel!”

“Oh really?”

“Yes. After years of turmoil, you will eventually be some manner of happy. If you don’t die within the next three days.”

“Oh happy day,” I sarcastically commented. “I can’t believe I’ll eventually be not sad if I don’t die from doing stupid shit.”

“It is what it is, boy.”

“Yeah, I figured. Never caught your name, by the way”

She cackled again. “No offense, but I don’t think I want my name known by a kingslayer, even if he is as cute as you.”

“...How did you know?”

“Don’t worry about it, Max. It’s a tricky magic, but it’s more real than any that those pathetic little ponies use.”

“Wait, what do you mean by that?”

“I mean that there’s pony magic, and then there’s the good stuff! I wouldn’t be too concerned with it now, though. It’s not really in your best interest.”

“Right.”

The silence stretched on until the crone spoke again. “I’ll give you a hint, if you care to ask.”

“I’m listening.”

Her tone turned dark. “Go through the kitchen, it’ll be the easiest and most direct route.”

“If you know I’m going after your King, why are you helping me?” I asked, confused.

“Because Adolf is no King to my people.” She began bitterly. “For years, Adolf has been slowly turning this country into Tartarus, letting my once beautiful nation crumble like this old house.” She spat on the floor. “We have more thugs in the streets than ever, more crime bosses divvying up territory like they’re slicing up pie than you can count, and people just don’t trust each other like they used to. I’ve heard more tales of rape and murder than these old ears care to hear, and if Queen Elfriede had her way, we wouldn’t be so focused on trying to go to war with those foolish ponies! History has proven that the ponies aren’t as easy a target as we think they are, but I’ve read our books and learned from my elders in my time: Equestria is a sleeping dragon that we should not be poking. If Adolf must lose his life for my countrymen to see that, then I say deal with him as you see fit.”

“That makes my conscience rest a bit more easily, knowing that he’s run his country into the ground.”

She tsked. “Paying attention would have told you that. Now that I’ve ranted, I suppose you’ll be taking your leave?”

“I’ve always had an ear for an old lady with a lot on her heart.” I offered.

“This old lady has gotten the worst of it out. Take it easy, Max.”

“...Yeah, take it easy.” I stood and prepared to leave, but couldn’t help myself. “If you don’t mind me asking, how do you know my name?”

“N**** please.”

“...Right.”

Lupa and I took our leave from there and started the long walk back to our inn, though she was just as confused about the encounter as I was. Neither of us could make much sense of what the old lady’s words about differences in magic was, but if it meant that I could possess my own, I have to admit, I was more than a little interested. Still, once I voiced my opinions to Lupa, she shot them down stating that I would lose my sense of self if I in particular had magic. I couldn’t help but agree, due to my general leanings toward being a prick. It didn’t matter much anyways: I wasn’t going to go actively looking for something so easily corrupted if I had a choice. I may have been interested, but caution was one of the main reasons I was able to be a thief as long as I was.

We got to the inn after midnight, so we weren’t able to get dinner, but an empty stomach was the least of our worries. Tomorrow night was the deadline that I had given myself. I would end the King’s life, and hopefully keep my own.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The morning started and ended shittily. Lupa and I were rudely booted from our room during the wee hours of noon, making sure that we didn’t have a base for our operations later in the night, though the issue was rectified after a few hours of barhopping. Most of them were throwing out customers who’d outstayed their welcome at this point in the morning, and the early drinkers were still petering in. The drinking culture was strong in Gryphonia, and for once, I was grateful to have a bunch of loose lipped fools babble away, filling the space with a dull, undulating tone.

Since I was in a bar, I ordered a beer because that’s what you’re supposed to do, no I don’t have a problem, and a couple of hearty slabs of whatever meat they had. With breakfast sorted, I ran over my plan in my head, and it was rather straightforward. Enter through the kitchens in the back of the castle after scaling the outside wall, dodge guard patrols until I got to the fourth level of the far west tower, probably kill some guards, put a knife in the King’s heart while he’s napping and get the fuck out of dodge. When I thought about it like that, it had all seemed so simple, and that was generally how I liked to keep my plans if there were unknown elements. Between the mapping of the guard patrols that I had been given by Luna and a few patterns there within, I wondered how Luna failed in the first place and how anyone expected me to do this when one of the damn near almighty princesses couldn’t do it.

Shaking my head, I downed my beer and spent a few hours inwardly complaining, and then outwardly complaining once I got a few more in me. Of course, I stopped drinking at a decent time so I wasn’t exactly intoxicated, but I was feeling it regardless. However, my nerves were steady and the liquid courage had done its part. If I could keep my head together, then I could get in and out without any issues, so I paid the tab that I had accumulated through the day and departed the bar around six thirty; three hours before the guards rotated. I took that time to make a circuit around the castle’s outer walls for the umpteenth fucking time, but I saw nothing new. My best bet was still in the same spot, and the sky was rapidly darkening. The time to move was closing in quickly and I needed to get into position.

Through stakeouts and bribery, I learned that the zone with the thirteenth tower was the one that was almost never actually guarded. In fact, I had learned through some sneaky eavesdropping that the guards took that specific shift as a break since they were never actually slated to get any real off time, so if you wanted to make a quiet entrance, that spot was your best bet. I loitered around the area, dipping into a shop every now and again to give myself the general presence of a lazy shopper rather than a lurking cutthroat.

Once the last of the heavy traffic petered out, I saw something quite surprising: I wasn’t the only one scaling the wall to get into the castle. In fact, there were four other people with my idea and each of them patiently waited their turn before entry, and each of them were unceremoniously thrown back over the side. The thirteenth tower was a bust, but I had a smelly backup plan.

Now, my sense of smell got a lot better while I was in the Everfree, and for the most part, it was a good thing, but ever since coming to Gryphonia, I noticed that it was starting be much less of a boon. In the town sewers, there was no doubt that it was a complete negative. I voided my stomach’s contents more than a few times and so did Lupa, but since we were down there, we had a job to do. I had remembered every turn in the map that Nebula had given me in the dossier from my entry point to the castle, and thankfully, there were only a couple, though I did have to count the side tunnels to know exactly where I was at, and I was doubly grateful for the walkway that meant that I wouldn’t have to trudge through… sludge to get to my destination.

But my God, the fucking smell.

Breathing through my mouth made it no better, so I tried to get my mind off of it, focusing on getting Lupa and I to where we were going.

“This has to be the single stupidest thing you’ve ever done.” Lupa growled.

“It’s only stupid if you look at it that way. This is actually an ingenious way of getting into the castle. You just hate it because it's dark and smelly.”

“It reminds me of bears, but at least they don’t smell this bad. Next time, I pick the mission.”

“Hopefully there won’t be a next time. Hell, there shouldn’t have been a ‘this time’, and I need to make sure we’re clear on not telling Celestia. If I catch flak for saving her country from a goddamn war I‘m going to be very cross with both of you.”

“She won’t hear a word from me,” Lupa chuckled, “the bitch can’t even understand me!”

“You’ve sold me out before. Remember when we raided Twilight’s parent’s house? You totally threw me under the bus on that.”

“I don’t know what that means, but you deserved it. Pure foolishness was the only thing in your head when you did that.”

“It was pure foolishness that I probably could have gotten away with! You got me sent back to Ponyville!”

“Hmm. That’s a curious hypothesis.” Lupa commented lightly.

“Hypothesis!? It’s the truth you fucking mutt! I’ve dealt with a lot of shit because of your actions, and I demand recompense!”

“Shut up, will you? Just because we’re underground doesn’t mean we’re inaudible.”

I simmered down. “Fair enough, but my point still stands.”

“I’ll give you plenty of ‘pupper kisses’ whenever we get home, then. If we get home.”

“...You said you would never talk about that.”

“It was just so cute, I couldn’t help myself!” Lupa looked up at me, wagging her tail. “It’s rare that I see that side of you.”

“And to think you’ll never see it again.” I replied.

“You’re just mad because you’re cute.”

“I’m handsome, dammit! Girls and pretty boys are cute. I? I am a man! See this beard? That’s some man shit!”

“...You’re a cute little fool, yes you are.”

“Shut up, Lupa, we’re almost there.” I drily responded.

“We have nine tunnels left to pass, so we’ve got at least fifteen more minutes of walking.”

“And I’ve got about fifteen seconds left of patience.”

“I’ll be sure to spend that time wisely.” Lupa chuckled.

“Please don’t.”

She respected my wishes (for once) and we walked on in peace for the last clip. Once we saw the ladder leading to the surface, I noticed that there was water sluicing down from the manhole cover, so I hung back for a moment before climbing it, just in case those fluids were something I didn’t want to touch. After five minutes of waiting, the water wasn’t stopping, so I assumed that it was clear to ascend. Lupa had a harder time than I did with the ladder, but she still managed to stay right up my arse, unfortunately.

With a nose in my bum and a rusty ladder supporting me, I pushed against the cover and found that it was actually surprisingly light, far less heavy than the other one I had lifted. I clambered out of the sewer and found myself in what appeared to be a communal bath of some sort. I had never made use of the one in Canterlot because it just seemed weird to me, but luckily, there were no patrons at this hour. I scooted the cover the rest of the way off of the hole and Lupa joined me topside. I left the cover slightly misaligned just in case I needed to make a quick escape, but decided against it at the last moment, hoping that I would have enough time to make my exit through where I had came from.

I scanned the bath house before carrying on, my eyes sweeping over white tile of every kind, and over the large steaming body of water that was the main bath. I was standing in the shower stalls currently, but I needed to hurry up and get out of the open. I hunkered down to a familiar stance and snuck my way through the bathing area, happy that it was empty. Consulting my mental map, I left the bathing area and tried to find the kitchen, the place where I had origianlly made my plans.

Now, to say that the castle was massive would be an understatement, and to say that it felt anything like the one in Canterlot would just be flat out wrong. Instead of the clean marble that adorned the walls of Celestia’s castle, the architecture of the Gryphonian structure was far more Victorian-esque. It reminded me of a cathedral in a way that sent chills down my spine, but I wasn’t about to let a hostile environment stall me. I cast a couple glances down either side of the hall leading to the bath and saw a guard patrol closing in quickly. They appeared to work in pairs and were heavily armored, though from what I could see, they appeared quite bored with their task, despite Luna’s failed attempts on Adolf’s life.

The guards passed at a lazy gait, and I hid behind a particularly large potted plant. Lupa, with her size, chose an erect stature of armor that loomed over most other decorations, standing straight up to keep herself in cover. I held my breath as they passed, not wanting to give either of them a chance to spot me.

Luck was not on my side. Just as they cleared Lupa’s hiding space, she did the stupidest, most retarded fucking thing that she could have done. She sneezed. In fairness, one cannot control a sneeze without opposable thumbs, but I would have appreciated it far more if she had not done exactly that. The guards turned on their heels and scanned the area for the source of the noise, and they found Lupa all too quickly. Just as I was preparing to cleave their heads from their shoulders, Lupa began whimpering and tucked her tail between her legs, backing up as far into the wall as she possibly could. The guards traded a look and one of them went over to her with a hand outstretched.

“C’mon now, ya mangy mutt. Don’t know how you got in here, but we can’t let ya bleed on the carpet-”

I swung my tendril, the tip formed into a flat round shape, and the guard stopped moving, his head slowly sliding off of his neck like it was a shitty anime or something. His buddy drew breath and prepared to shout, but Lupa was on him in the blink of an eye, ripping off his helmet and most of his face in one go. With the poor sod’s beak in her mouth, Lupa tossed her head and flung the beak in my direction before she ripped the bastard’s throat out.

It was a quick and brutal affair, and now we had to stow the bodies in our former hiding places. Once they were firmly stuck in the shadows, I continued making my way into the kitchens. I redoubled my focus on the mission in order to choke down the guilt I was feeling after needlessly ending two more lives, but that was exactly what I had signed up for when I agreed to do this and I had understood it both times I had been offered the chance. Still, one’s expectations often pale in comparison to the reality they face, and I was getting a good heaping of that lesson again. My stomach was quite unsettled, though it was a minor inconvenience in the grand scheme of things. Who’s ever heard of a hero with a tummy ache?

After dodging two more patrols, we finally found the kitchens, but were unable to enter due to some twenty four hour staff that were toiling the night away, cleaning up and preparing for tomorrow’s meals. I consulted my mental map yet again and hoped that this was the entrance to the kitchen that I had been hoping for and turned around, stalking out into the castle proper once more. Between Lupa’s ears and my own, we were able to avoid being caught outright, though her damned tail caught more vases than you would ever believe. As I’m writing, Lupa would like to make it known that it was the fault of the vases for being too poorly balanced, but I’m more curious as to how she can read my writing. When I asked her about that, she told me to worry about something more important, but I digress.

After catching more pottery than I had in my entire life, we had made it to the correct side of the castle, but were discovered by an unlucky maid. Before she could scream for help, I ran over and clamped her beak shut with my hand, hoping that I wouldn’t have to kill her.

“I’m not here to hurt you, so don’t scream.” I stared into her eyes.

She nodded. “Alright. I’m going to let you go, but if you scream, I will have to kill you. I really don’t want to, but I will, okay?”

Her eyes widened further and she nodded rapidly.

“Good.” I slowly eased my hand off of her beak and she stood completely still.

“Now, I want you to forget that you ever saw me, okay? You never stopped, you were just passing through and saw nothing, right?”

“...A-Are you here…” She shook her head. “Why are you here?”

“For reasons that will benefit our great nation.” I replied evenly, hoping to give her the impression of a sly rebel, come for a regime change.

“...Are you here for The Great Bastard?” She whispered.

“I am.”

She lifted a hand to a bruise on her face, just below her eye. “I-I can help you!”

“Are you one of Luna’s ‘friends’?”

She nodded again. “I’m Broomhilda, I helped her the last time when she almost got caught.”

“Then let's hope you’re not bad luck. Can you help me get to the fourth level of the far west tower?”

“T-That’s not the right place! Y-You’re looking for the fifth level of the northern tower, That’s where the King really stays. I-I can take you there!”

“Alright, let’s be quick about it then. You go on, I’ll follow you from the shadows. If you run into a guard, just make something plausible up, won’t you?”

“I won’t let you down! Es lebe der Widerstand!”

I had no fucking clue what that meant. “Es lebe der Widerstand, sister. Let’s get a move on.”

Broomhilda took the lead with Lupa and I ducking in the shadows, hard pressed to keep up with her. There had been no glimmer in Broomhilda’s eye, no subtle twitch in her face or alteration to her voice that would lead me to believe that she wasn't on my side, but every time we had to hold tight while a patrol was passing, my heart hammered for fear of her selling us out. After the third patrol, however, I was starting to understand just how much King Adolf was failing as a leader. I had seen brawls start over the mere mention of his name in town, but his loyalists were far outnumbered by those against him, and those brawls almost always ended with the loyalists on the floor. The people of Gryphonia were pissed, and even members of the castle staff, those who were supposed to be most loyal to the crown, were fed up with the turmoil that Adolf had brought.

It was kind of an odd contrast to another famous Adolf, if you think about it.

I saved the thought for another time and kept my eyes on Broomhilda’s tail. Now that I write it down, it sounds awfully dirty, but I was literally watching her cat tail for signs of a patrol so I would have time to hide. If it flicked to the right, I had a few moments, but if it flicked to the left, I had to make a split second leap, something that I learned the hard way after nearly getting spotted again. We were making good headway until a patrol stopped Broomhilda about three quarters into our ascent to the northernmost tower. I couldn’t hear what they were talking about, but the conversation slowly grew louder and my acute hearing was able to pick up once they rose past the whispers that they had been using. The lead guard was telling her that she had no reason to be in this part of the castle at such and hour, and I happened to agree, but Broomhilda was doing me a favor. I needed to do her one in turn.

Creeping closer, I slid in and out of cover until I saw the guard rear back and prepare to strike Broomhilda. I formed my tendril into one large spike and sent it through the air like a bullet, catching the poor fucker dead in the face. His partner and Broomhilda stood in shock, but before either of them could move, I had laced my tendril around the guard’s neck and rapidly tightened it. Sadly for him, I was in no position to extend any kind of mercy, so I dragged him back to where I was hiding, increasing the pressure as they got closer. I heard a loud snap and my target fell totally limp, but I approached with the Warbling Blade and drove it home into the base of his skull, through his jaw, just in case a broken neck wasn’t good enough. Broomhilda stood and stared at me in shock.

“We’re wasting moonlight, love. Let’s keep moving.” I said quickly.

“Y-You killed them…”

“The resistance has drawn blood before, Broomhilda." I covered smoothly. "This isn’t the first, nor will it be the last time blood is spilt for peace, so make your own with it for now. We have a task that needs to be completed.”

She gulped down air before losing her dinner in a nearby vase. I was happy to give her the time, seeing as how I was feeling much the same at the moment, but thankfully my dinner had already been pried from me by something equally disgusting in a different way. Once she had finished ridding her stomach of it’s contents, I clapped a hand down on her shoulder.

“First time?” I asked softly.

“Y-Yeah…”

“Hey, at least you didn’t kill them, I did. Don’t you go feeling guilty for my actions, because it won’t get you anywhere and I guarantee that you’ll find the answers you’re looking for, but right now, I’ve got two bodies to hide and we need to get a move on.” Luckily, the carpets were already blood red, so the addition of some extra colorant wasn’t an issue, but finding a place for the bodies was. Broomhilda pointed us to a room that was used for passing dignitaries that just so happened to be empty at the moment, so between myself and Lupa, we dragged the remains in there and kept on toward our goal.

I agreed to meet Broomhilda in a specific room after half an hour so that she could get me out of the castle, and I told her to leave once an hour and a half was up. Leaving her behind, Lupa and I entered the final stretch, the last two flights of stairs before we would meet the King. I steeled my nerves and cast a quick glance at Lupa who seemed more bored than anything, but I couldn’t risk the noise to ask her what was going through her mind.

After I finally ascended the last few steps of the tower, I had a long, straight, bare corridor ahead of me, and at the far side of it were six guards stood abreast. They formed a literal wall between me and my goal, so in order to get close, I was going to have to be tricky. I thought hard, trying to find a way around them so I wouldn’t have to add more bodies to my conscience, but I found nothing. I even tried devoting more of my precious time to the issue, but all I could come up with was slaying them. There were twenty meters at least between me and the guards, and nothing to hide behind. I brought my helpful little murder tentacle back into existence and prepared to… I dunno, slap it on a wall or something since they were out of my range.

Lupa sensed my hesitation and yawned before trotting out into view like she owned the fucking place. For as much as I bitch about my bitch, she’s got some fucking stones on her, and some brains too, by the look of it. All of the guards, save for one, had began approaching her, most likely trying to catch her, but one remained behind. Lupa cantered toward them slowly at first, but she too had picked up on the problem guard and suddenly raced toward him, leaping over his head when she got near enough. I’d never seen Lupa move so smoothly, so gracefully, and it was quite the spectacle to behold once she began rounding up the guards like cattle. She had all six chasing her around in silence, or rather, as much silence as six full suits of armor can provide. Eventually, they got wise and three took to the air while the remaining three stayed on the ground. Lupa was doing a Hell of a job, luring them toward me, and it wouldn’t take much longer for them to get within range of me, and once they were, I launched an assault of my own.

The bottom three were my main priority, so I used my psychic tentacle to free them from the weighty meat balls that were their heads, and once they clattered to the floor, their buddies dropped down and went to inspect the damage, never even suspecting that a second strike might come. The other half of the guards joined their friends and I was nearly halfway done with my little mission, though now I would have to sneak into the room itself and hope that neither of the royals had awoken at such an inopportune moment. Lupa doubled back and joined me as I walked to the doors ahead with baited breath. This whole night had been full of slip ups, but this was one instance where I couldn’t let my guard down, so I adopted my usual form and skulked expediently toward the door.

I took a deep breath and cracked it open, barely allowing the light to filter in before I swiftly entered, leaving Lupa outside to stand watch. Creeping in slowly, I could hear the even breathing of two separate individuals, and looking around, I saw that the Victorian architecture carried into their decorations as well, which gave the place an overall drab quality. Shaking the joys of architectural bullshit from my mind, I crept closer to the right side of the bed since it was more common for dudes to sleep there back home according to some random googling I had done one day. I chose incorrectly and had to go to the other side, seeing a much more masculine face this time.

You put your best knife in, you pull your best knife out, you put your best knife in, and you shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. That’s what it’s all about.

With the job done, I rose to leave, but I noticed a sudden change in breathing on the other side of the bed. With a yawn and a stretch, I could see the limber form of Queen Elfriede rise above the covers and look around. I hunkered down below the bed and waited to hear her return to her place beside a dead man, but all I could hear was the rustling of the sheets.

And then I heard a gasp.

“Adolf?” Elfriede whispered softly. I poked my head above the bed to see her shaking his shoulder. “Adolf?” She asked again, louder this time. It was afterwards that she noticed something. “Adolf? Get up you lazy fool, I think something’s wrong!”

She shook her husband more vigorously, but there was nothing I could do. I had to leave the Queen alive, or the entire operation would have been for nothing, and I needed to get the hell out of there. I crept on all fours toward the door, but a sudden weight on my back stopped any further movement.

“You… YOU.” Queen Elfriede spoke severely. “Why are you here?” I felt her claws reach around my neck and part skin, causing drops of blood to spill from the affected area. This was it. This is where I died.

My thoughts were racing, but my mouth opened and words that I had no control over spilled out. “I’m here for you, Your Highness! I’m here to give you your rightful place!”

“You… Adolf is dead, and it was by your hand, wasn’t it?” The steel in her voice was unmistakeable.

“Yes, Your Majesty, it was my doing, but I did it for our people, for our nation! King Adolf was running our once beautiful nation into the ground!”

“You fool! Do you even comprehend how difficult it is to run a damned country!? You honestly think that slaying my husband will change anything!?” Her grip tightened and more blood fell.

“Yes, Your Majesty, of course! With you and your wisdom leading our proud nation, we will rise again and rival Equestria, just as we did before! Your ways are not like that of King Adolf’s: Your judgement is known by your people, our people, to be just and fair, unlike your husband’s totalitarian grip. We hope that you will prove to be more capable than your husband once was! Even during his golden age!”

“...A filthy rebel has managed to infiltrate the castle, get past who knows how many guards, and slay the King of his own nation. Have you no pride for Gryphonia? Did you not support us through the good times and the worst?” Elfriede asked solemnly.

“I have always loved my country, Your Majesty, and I would even give my life for it. If I can make this sacrifice for the good of our people, I can die knowing that I’ve aided our nation as it deserves,” My voice cracked and my emotions swirled around like a typhoon, whisking different feeling to the forefront of my mind before replacing them with another. Fear, anger, pride, hatred, love, regret, guilt, shame, happiness, and sadness all stayed their course for a few fleeting moments, then gave way to one of its brethren. I didn’t want to die like this, at the hands of a freshly made widow for a country that I held no loyalty to, for a woman who possibly could never love me back, for a peace that I would have had regardless. I did, however, find that I had a foundation in the house of cards that was suddenly toppling down on me: If I were to die here, then I would save so many, prevent so many families from hardship, stall the war between Equestria and Gryphonia, and most importantly, my life would have had true meaning. So many people die for nothing, but here I was, giving my life for people I didn’t know in a land that I wasn’t from, and the oddest sensation washed over me.

Peace. With this final act, I had already done so much for Celestia and her citizens, for my friends and their families. Maybe dying here wouldn’t be such a bad thing. My voice choked with emotion, I spoke again.

“Your Majesty, I beg of you; be the leader your people know you to be. Guide Gryphonia into the light once more, and lead us to the victory that has evaded us for so long! War with Equestria will bring nothing but pain to our people, but I pray that your wisdom will find the best way to handle the situation. Once you have slain me here, once I pass on to the next life, please know that my heart will always belong to Gryphonia, and that I will cheer for you when you raise our country to its former glory.”

“...You’ve slain the King of your nation, yet you proclaim that you love it so dearly.” Elfriede spoke, her throat tight. “I will admit that Adolf may have not made the best decisions, but his view of the world was… Grim. How can you kill a man for that?”

“I did not kill King Adolf because he made bad decisions, Your Majesty. I killed him because he was killing our people!”

“He was not!” She roared. “Adolf was a good man! Yes he was harsh, yes he was brutal at times, but he loved this country as much as you do-”

“No, he did not.” I hissed back at her. “Your husband is the one who placed Hedard in power, was he not?”

“No, I placed Hedard in his position.” She snarled back.

“...What?” I already knew that she had, but I had to keep up the act. “Then you’re the reason my brother is dead…”

“What are you talking about?” The Queen sneered. “Hedard is one of my most noble vassals!”

“Hedard raped my brother and made me watch. Hedard killed my brother in the most disgusting and vile way, and I’ve just put his patron in power.” I said airily, as if dazed.

“...Is that the reason you’ve come? Because your family was hurt by one of my vassals?” She whispered.

I shook my head which made her claws rub unpleasantly in my open wounds. “No, your majesty. I came because nobles abusing their power is a story that many of our citizens share, and it’s not just nobles. Those with wealth have been crushing the people for years.” I was completely talking out of my arse, and had been for the entire conversation, but I was beginning to feel the faintest glimmer of hope.

“...What is your name, rebel?” Elfriede asked.

“My name is Kaid, Your Majesty.”

The Queen was silent for moments that dragged on into hours. “...What do you want from me, Kaid? What do you think I should do as a leader?” She asked softly.

“I make no presumptions, Your Majesty, it is not my place to tell you what to do.”

“Humor me.” She said icily.

“...I think that you should review those closest to you. Hire a spy to infiltrate and gain their trust, then use that spy to, well, spy on them. Once you’ve rooted out the evil nearest to you, start looking into the judicial system and do the same, but in a different manner. Perhaps you might know of someone discreet enough to collect evidence so you can weed out your opposition there, and then you can move on to the constabulary-”

“Slow down.” She commanded. “What did you just say? The last word?”

“...Constabulary?”

“That’s a Briddish word, isn’t it? You’re not even from Gryphonia, are you?” She roared.

“No, Your Highness, I come from a small town in Bridleland, but Gryphonia is the only home I’ve ever known! I was not born here, but I love this country like a native!”

Her breathing calmed down and her grip on my neck loosened. After a few moments of silence, I felt the knee in my back let up and heard the Queen step away.

“Rise.” She ordered quietly.

I rose slowly and felt my neck. I was bleeding alright, but it didn’t seem to severe. Due to my healing factor, however, I felt the intense desire to scratch at it, but I knew that would end just about as well as it sounded, so I stood and patiently waited for the Queen to make a circuit around the room. One by one, she lit candles that began to illuminate the chamber until she made a full circle. Once she was done, she walked over to her bed and inspected her husband’s corpse. From there, I could see that she was older in appearance than Celestia, around forty or so years old, if my time in Gryphonia had given me any indication of a Gryphon’s age. She was tall for a woman, just about my height, though I knew from experience that Gryphons were lighter than I was, but even with that knowledge, I had a hard time believing it. Elfriede looked like a lean, muscled hunter that had dulled it's claws by idling for too long; She retained her lethal grace, but lacked the fire. Examining her more closely, I saw that she had a pair of black feathers under each eye and quite the figure for someone who had been about to kill me all of five minutes ago.

“Your Majesty…”

“Even if your plan had gone off without a hitch, I still would have awoken to this. How do you plan to repay this debt?” She inquired evely.

“I thought that I was going to be paying with my life, but I will gladly accept any punishment, Your Majesty-”

“Stop! Stop calling me that.” Queen Elfriede hissed. “‘Your Majesty this’, ‘Your Majesty that’!” She mocked.

“...What shall I call you then?” I asked tentatively.

“You’ll call me by my name, as a Kingslayer should.” She said.

“Yes, Your- er, Elfriede.”

“That’s more suitable.” She paced around the bed, touching each of the four posters as she passed them in her seemingly endless loop. “By all rights, I should kill you, but I know that this is the death you seek. No, I believe your punishment requires creativity, and if you’re the man you seem to be, you’ll deal with it until I say so. Is this true?”

“Yes, Elfriede. I accept your punishment, whatever it may be.”

“Hmm. We’ll see about that.” Elfriede stopped by Adolf’s side of the bed and stroekd his face. “You know, I can’t really say I ever loved him. As much as I would try to defend him, Adolf was a real bastard. The only reason he kept power so long was because of fear, and now that he’s gone, I… I don’t really know. I’m angry that you killed my husband, but I’m happy that I’m free from him. I’m sad that he’s dead, but at the same time, I couldn’t be more elated. Do you know what this feels like?” She asked, turning her head towards me.

“It sounds an awful lot like a first kill.”

“And in some ways, it is one. Adolf’s is not the first cadaver I’ve seen, and I know his won’t be the last, but it’s jarring. I’ve lived my life with him for twenty years now, and it’s been wrought with pain. I’ve been on the receiving end of his fist more times than I would like to count, but I’d like to think that I’ve weathered through my trials, now. I suppose I should thank you for bringing an end to them, even if you’re not one of my kinsmen.”

“...I didn’t know that he would lash out at those he was close to.”

“He didn’t, but that’s because the few he kept close are the few that will present the biggest challenge to me.” She began pacing again. “How do you think I should weed out the nobles that would be against me?”

“If I may be so forward-”

“You just killed my husband. You’ve been plenty forward.” She rolled her eyes.

“...If I may continue to do so, then.”

“You may.”

“...What if you used me to slay your opponents?” It made sense, after all. If Adolf had been the one pushing for war, and his closest vassals were advocating his efforts, then it would serve Equestria well overall to get rid of them and cement Elfriede’s rule as Queen.

“That is… Not a bad idea, actually. If you were able to bypass my own security, I’m sure one such as you will have little trouble dispatching my opposition. That will be the first part of your penance for killing your King. You will slay my greatest opponents.”

“Then I await your orders, my Queen.”

Chapter Twenty-Two: Not The Same
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Twenty-Two: Not The Same

Chapter Twenty-Two: Not The Same

Life had gotten super fucked very quickly and I was the only person I could blame. I should have ran when I had the chance, when I knew the Elfriede wasn’t going to kill me, but instead, my dumbass had to play the part of the estranged rebel trying to do the right thing for his country, and now I was in the Queen’s wardrobe, listening to her tell a false tale of what had happened during the night. After we struck a deal, Elfriede started putting a hastily concocted plan into action and things were going well so far. When dawn came, her personal guards had discovered the bodies outside of her chambers and burst in, though she had already shuttled me into the wardrobe by then since we’d heard them sprinting down the hall. Queen Elfriede told the new guards that there had been a tragedy sometime in the night, but that she had been soundly asleep during the events, cursing herself for her own lack of vigilance. Her guards assuaged her in time, though I knew it was all an act. Elfriede and I had a long conversation about the days that would soon follow, and so far, things were going without a hitch. Slowly, the castle Day Staff were coming across my bloody trail and thanks to Elfriede, I was able to keep Lupa out of harm’s way, due to her claiming Lupa as one of her own dogs of war, though it was hard to explain how one guard had been torn apart. Luckily, there were Dog people on this continent, so Elfriede played it off as having a savage Dog assassin come in and kill the King.

Hours passed and I was stuck in that fucking wardrobe for far longer than I was willing to put up with, but if I exited while there were others in the room, I’d be screwed and the death of the King would immediately be placed on me, despite Elfriede’s own words. With the situation playing out, all I could do was bide my time until the Queen had a spare moment. It got really lonely in that closet, and I had far too much time to think about what I had done. Eleven lives were freshly on my conscience and I was losing my composure rapidly. While left alone to my thoughts, I may or may not have had a small panic attack or three when I considered that I had killed guards that were loyal to Elfriede, and that she would most likely be a bit livid about that. Stuck stewing in my own juices, I worried and fretted in spite of my rational side doing its best to batten down the emotional hatches. I had just saved thousands of lives with my actions: now was not the time to be feeling regret, remorse, or trepidation. If anything, now was the time to keep fighting and keep the fire in my belly burning. I would have to if I wanted to make it out of this situation alive.

I had swallowed most of my emotions by the time Elfriede came back for me, leaving me feeling somewhat numb, though I was thankful that I had run out of things to feel. I was getting tired of it. The Queen whisked open the doors to her wardrobe and I slowly made my way out, my joints aching from being confined into one position for the better part of six hours. Elfriede stood above me with her arms crossed, a certain light dancing in her eyes that didn’t quite seem like it belonged to someone who had just lost their partner of two decades.

“Are you going to take all day, or are we going to be able to get something done?” Elfriede asked peevishly.

“Gimme a moment, will you? I’ve been sitting like that for the better part of the day!” I protested.

Elfriede cracked a wry smile. “It’s funny that you think I care about how you feel, Kingslayer. Hurry up, we only have so long to get you out of the castle.” She began to walk away while I was stretching.

”I’m just surprised you haven’t killed me for taking out so many guards yet.” I commented carefully.

She tsked. “Most of my current guards hold few well wishes for me. It should come as no surprise that I offer them the same courtesy.”

“Fair enough, I suppose. Where am I running off to, by the way? I’d like to know my destination before we start the journey.”

“Your destination is an inn called ‘The Chicken’s Coop’. From there, you’ll speak to a pony Feather Cap and he’ll fill you in on your first target.”

“Chicken’s Coop, Feather Cap. Gotcha. When do I go?”

“Whenever you want, you just have to time it right, which really shouldn’t be a problem for you of all people.” She responded acerbically.

“...Shall we go back to ‘Your Majesty’?” I was playing a dangerous game here.

Elfriede’s eye twitched. “Are you truly an idiot?”

“Some would say that statement is true, but many of that number would also attest to my genius, Your Majesty.”

“I will kill you for insolence, you do know this, correct?”

“I have good qualities that we’re totally ignoring right now.”

“I have ten sharp talons and zero patience.”

“...Duly noted.”

“If you’re done being a smartass, then I have something to tell you about that will make your mind explode with awe.” She smirked.

“You have my interest.”

Elfriede walked over to a bookshelf on the west wall, standing near it triumphantly for no apparent reason, other than the obvious one.

“Secret staircase?” I asked brusquely.

“...Why am I letting you live again?” She squawked back.

“It’s obviously not because I’m cute, totally not it.” I nodded sagely.

“That might be a part of it. What are you, anyways? I’ve met with some of the Monkey Tribal Ambassadors, but you don’t look like any I’ve met so far. Are you from a far away tribe with little representation?”

“I’m a human, not a monkey, and the reason you haven’t seen more of me is because I’m the only one on this planet. That I know of, at least.”

“Oh, the last member of an extinct species? I’ve got to say, that sounds like a delightful backstory. It also gives me another reason to keep you alive, so hooray for you.”

“Yeah, thanks a tonne. Can you show me what book to pull on, now?”

“You’re such a buzzard, you know that? What happened to your subservience?”

My words tumbled out. “I sat alone in a closet for six fucking hours thinking about all the guys I’d just killed for the cause, how I watched their heads fall or splatter, how I saw my wolf tear a guy’s beak off, and I just convinced the widow of a man I’ve killed to, instead of getting her revenge, use me to further her political status. All of this might be for the greater good, but I never knew how the burden of actions would affect me. I’m kinda just comfortably numb at this point. Fuck it.”

Elfriede shook her head at me like she was dealing with a child. “Such soft hearted tendencies mean that you can’t have been in this business for long, but that means either my guards are poorly managed or that you’re incredibly stealthy, which leads me to wonder how you garnered these skills.”

“I expected no sympathy, yet I’m still disappointed.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry my darling little fledgling, let momma kiss your boo boo.” Elfriede spat sarcastically. “How did you gain the abilities needed to infiltrate the castle?”

“My old job and I died. Which book do I pull? Some one could fly by or something at any moment, so we should get a move on.”

Elfriede scoffed. “Our people know better, ground pounder. What was your old job?”

I sighed. “I was a thief.”

“...Seriously?”

“Yup.”

She seemed to be having a spot of trouble. “You... You’re… You’re not even an assassin are you? You’re just some punk off the street with a little bit of stealth under his wing!”

“When you put it like that, this sounds so ludicrous. It’s a fucking miracle that it worked, to be honest with you. Do you know how hard it is to keep a dire wolf from knocking everything over?”

Elfriede assumed the position: arms up, elbows at a ninety degree angle, fingertips pressed and ready to go, their target being her feathery temple. “The King of Gryphonia, slain by a feather plucking thief and his dog. What is this world coming to?” She went from rubbing her temples while standing to go do it on a couch near the bookcase.

“I know, love. The world’s fucked in all the right ways, and the stars are perfectly aligned in a perfect, cosmically kinky daisy chain just to add in that extra bit of flavor.” I gave her a winsome grin. “At the very least you can be glad that you’ve added a newly dead inside thief come assassin into your life! Doesn’t happen everyday, now does it?”

“Neither do headaches like this one. It’s the red book, fifth from the top on the left side. Just…” She grunted.

I pulled the proper book and the staircase opened. “I really am a proper pain in the arse, aren’t I? Have a good day love, and welcome to the single life!” I exited quickly, but not before I heard Elfriede groan one more time. With a mirthless chuckle, I followed the tunnel to its end, winding in what felt like endless circles until I finally reached a door to the outside.

Once outside, I had a place I needed needed to be, though the random alley that I was in held no notices of any kind that may have told me where I was. Lost and confused, I meandered about until I came to a main road and started asking for directions once again. After quite a few dead ends that only served to piss me off, I eventually found my way to the Chicken’s Coop later in the day than I would have preferred, though I couldn’t complain about not being able to find Feather Cap. The guy was literally wearing a feathered cap and was the only pony in the place, so I would have had to been blind to miss him. I quickly approached my contact and settled into the seat next to him at the bar.

“Lovely day for a drink, yeah?” I remarked.

“You’re telling me,” He replied evenly, “Adolf’s dead, and people are practically running down the streets hooping and hollering. Chicken’s Coop is the only place to catch a quiet drink in this town right now.”

“I wonder why that is. Loyalist bar?”

“Nah, it’s just the clientele. Bunch of old drunkards who couldn’t care less about what’s on the throne.”

The bartender swung by and I ordered a beer. “Not bad, I guess. So…”

“So. I suppose our mutual friend has told you what you’re doing?” Cap asked.

“I have a rough idea. I just need to be pointed in the right direction.”

“Right you are, bud. You’re going to a town called Banff in the northern reaches of the territory, and your mark’s name is Blitz, as well as his brother Krieg. In three days, they’re slated to be together in the same house, so you’ll be able to knock two birds out with one stone. Blitz’s manor is the largest in the territory on the west side of town and the security should be light. If there’s anything that living in Gryphonia has told me, it’s that Gryphons think that their reputation matters more than it does, and that their cockiness makes it way too easy to pull the wool over their eyes.” Feather cap sipped his beer.

“Pretty dark musings for a Pony.”

“Yeah? So?”

“Nothing. Forget I said anything.” I mimicked him and we didn’t talk after that, though I still took the time to enjoy my beer.

After paying for the one shitty pint of rotgut, I got a move on and made my way toward the north gate on the outskirts of the good half of town. After grabbing my satchel from the inn that I had left it at and buying some provisions, I started my penance.

Now, if the walk to Otterwa had been base level boring, then the walk to Banff was so far above it that it was a speck in the distance. Without Lupa’s company, it was a tedious task to wander down lonely roads and camp off the just off the road for the night, but it was a full day’s travel to get to Banff from Otterwa and I needed to keep a reasonable pace, so I stopped to rest as rarely as I could and managed to get to my target late into the afternoon the next day.

The town itself was around the same size as Hooverton, but the way the town was built made it seem much more compact. Houses filled every gap outside of town, and near the town square, shops lined every street. I stopped in a couple shops, browsing around to replace my regular black gloves with some climbing gloves, which I managed to get for a great prices since they were pretty much only useful to ponies. Why the shop even had them, I don’t know, but I was lucky to find a pair of random handmade gloves that fit as well as these did. You know that feeling when you make a purchase and you’re absolutely certain that it was a good one? Yeah, it was that feeling, but on a handheld scale.

I wandered around Banff for some time, taking in the sights and possible places to lose a tail should I pick up yet another one. Thankfully, I found one of the town’s inns and managed to book it for two nights, giving me time to catch up on some much needed rest.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I started my scouting at dawn after a restless night, but after hours of seeing nothing of interest, I found myself frustrated that I couldn’t just move in tonight and get the job done with. Patience was a virtue that I was lacking more and more, though it’s not like I was particularly upset. Ever since my time in the wardrobe, I hadn’t been feeling quite right and all the time that I’d had to think was doing nothing but wrecking whatever manner of plan I’d made to deal with the fact that my kill to death ratio was officially eighteen and one. If life were a videogame, I would probably be happier with that score, but there was a guy back in the nineteen forties that went like, twenty million and one, so I wouldn’t even rank on the leaderboards, which bummed me out. Fuck Stalin.

I took notice of the sudden increase in dark humor that I’d been partaking in and wondered if I’d gotten depressed again. I mean, I felt fine, it was just that everything felt… Muted, like I was watching the color drain from a photo. I wasn’t even sad, just unerringly neutral and that bothered me a little. I chose to let it go and deal with it later lest I open a Pandora’s Box and fuck up the future of two countries. With my introspection well and truly quieted, I returned to the boring task of mapping out who went where and what location the most troublesome guards held. I spent all day in that fucking tree only to learn that two of the fattest cats in Gryphonia barely had more security than a fucking museum back in England! There were so many holes in the manor’s defenses that a blind man could walk straight in if he felt like it! I rolled my eyes many times that day and spent much of the night facepalming as I discovered just how easy it was to get up close and personal with the manor.

Ya wanna know how I know? I picked a section of the wall, climbed over it, fucking strolled across the green, climbed to a second story window, and wandered around the property for a bit, and left without seeing so much as a guard! Gryphons were so lax in their security, it was a wonder that Celestia hadn’t just marched an army right on up to her neighbor and just bowled them over like ninepins! Once I’d gotten my frustrations out, I returned to the inn and jotted down my journal entries before going to sleep. Yes, of course I know how dangerous it is for a man on the move to keep a journal, but I also know that having a secret compartment in your bag helps, so suck on that!

The third day came and went, and it had been colder than your ex mother-in-law’s witch titties, carrying over into the night. It was no issue for me since it was only early autumn, but prolonged exposure left me feeling pretty angsty about not having fur sometimes. Seriously, of all the things human had to evolve and get rid of, personal warmth on the go just had to be one of them. Asinine, just utterly and completely asinine.

I hunkered down in the same tree that I had used for my stakeout the day before and scanned the property for any activity. I had seen Krieg’s entourage enter town, and there were certainly more guards posted outside, but they were all grouped in the same places they had been last night! Shaking my head, I made my way down the tree and clambered over the lowish outer wall of Blitz’s manor smoothly. I was feeling better now that I was back in my element, but the prospect of taking more lives stalled me as I prepared to enter the same second story window I had used yesterday. What was keeping me from just cutting my losses and running back home to Equestria? Why the hell was I pretending to be a rebel come loyal supporter after I had gotten off nearly Scott free? I quickly shoved myself the rest of the way in and cast a glance over the room. Nothing moved or stuck out, so I took a moment to think.

If I just stopped giving a fuck about what happened to Lupa, I could go back home and write it off as an accident, and no one would ever know the truth besides the two of us. Lupa couldn’t give up any state secrets or any of my own, so it was down to loyalty that was keeping me around, and I was glad that even in my generally numb state, I would still go through Hell for a friend. Lupa meant too much to me to just leave her behind in a strange land, though I had no doubts that she would be fine even if I was a complete scumbag. With a wry smirk, I strode through Blitz’s mansion like I owned the place, heading straight toward the master bedroom that I had found the day before.

As I was walking, I heard the faint sounds of footsteps, so I cracked open a side door and checked it for any occupants. Upon hearing and seeing nothing inside, I stood behind the door with my ear pressed to it and waited for whoever it was to pass, though the people walking turned out to be slower than a metaphor. I listened carefully and picked up their voices through the door to see if I could hear any vital information.

“...brother, she’ll run the country into the ground!” An older male voice sneered.

“You’re right, but there’s precious little we can do about it, save for sending an assassin. We need to think this out, Krieg. We’ve lost Alger to her, but we still have more weight than him!”

Well, it sounded like I had just met my marks.

I stopped caring about what they were saying and cracked the door open, waiting for them to pass, and once they did, I formed my tentacle, stepped out into the hall, and had to reform it because I forgot that it takes more concentration to move and use my powers. Once I got it back into the arrowhead shape I desired, I reached into a pouch and dropped a few beads of Red Menace onto it. I thought about how I could just kill them outright, or use the blue poison that I had been given, but I wanted it to seem like both brothers had gone raving mad in their last days, so I poked them both with my tendril and drew blood, which was all I needed to do, according to Starshine Nebula’s notes. With my task completed very easily, I went back to the inn. I honestly wish that there was more to the story than that, but it was a seriously overrated mission, to be completely honest. I wondered why the hell Elfriede even needed me to do anything for her if her nobles were so retarded, but then I realized that I have thousands of years of war and espionage behind me when it comes to history, and that this world was, by far, inferior to Earth when it came to information, raw or refined.

With two of my three initial targets taken care of, I trekked back to Otterwa to receive more orders and tried to remind myself to tell Elfriede that Alger, whoever that guy happened to be, was on her side. Once I arrived in town, I made my first stop the Chicken’s Coop, but finding my way back there was a suckfest all on its own. The shitty bar was near the center of the town, which was where things really started getting bad. I was elated to find out that Elfriede had been busy while I was gone, though eavesdropping was swiftly becoming a bad, yet necessary, habit of mine. Through my newly acquired hobby I learned that Elfriede had sided with a peasant in a court case early yesterday morning, levying a heavy fine on the offending noble which was an outrage amongst the upper class. The aristocrats, however, were kept nice and subdued by the cheers of victory from the hoi polloi.

I suppose that I should have been happy to hear that my actions were already changing the world for the better, but I knew that it wouldn’t last. I could feel it deep in my gut, a sense of foreboding that wouldn’t leave me, but as I examined the possible causes, I found my mind returning to Elfriede herself. My instincts were telling me to avoid her, but I was going to have to see her to get Lupa back. Hopefully that would end well for me.

I got to the Chicken’s Coop late in the day and my correspondent was still sitting in the same place, drinking from what looked like the same philter of ale that he had nursed when I’d first met him four days ago. I took up a seat beside him and ordered a dark stout to match my bleak emotional state. The bartender returned with my beer quickly and I nodded my thanks before downing half the thing in one go.

“Job’s done.” I reported calmly.

“Don’t know why you’re telling me.” Feather Cap stared straight ahead.

“I’m telling you because I don’t know the next step, and I don’t know how to get into the castle to speak with the Queen.”

“Did she let you use of one of the secret passageways?”

“She did, but I don’t remember the entrance.”

“Was it the one from her personal chambers?” Feather Cap said as he pulled a fountain pen from his pocket and loaded it before bringing out a piece of paper.

“Yup.”

He rolled his eyes and started writing things down. “I don’t know how to get to that one since it’s not my business to know, but that one will get you into the northern tower. Follow the directions and you should be able to get in there one way or another.”

“Thanks, mate.” I grabbed the proffered paper and downed the rest of my stout before dropping a few Gryphonian marks on the table. “Let’s hope we don’t keep meeting here, yeah?”

“I’m always here, bud. Just the way I like it.” Feather Cap blinked slowly and lifted his beer to me.

I took my leave and started following the directions that Feather Cap had written down, though deciphering his chicken scratch was an art of its own. After far too much time spent in the red light district (No, I didn’t imbibe), I found the correct alley way, the correct wall, and the correct brick to kick. The wall sank into the ground and I cast a quick glance in either direction before I stepped into the relative darkness. Light filtered through opening in the tunnels, and the floors were lined with trash, but I suppose that’s what you get for combining secret tunnels with storm drains, now isn’t it?

The tunnel surfaced in a random room on the second floor of the northern tower, which was a bit troublesome. Less troublesome was the window that lead to the easily scaled wall outside. After stretching my fingers and toes a bit, I checked the air outside for any rogue fliers, but saw no one in the air. Once I was sure that I was in the clear, I began my ascent up the vertical surface, carefully making progress as the wind picked up. Once or twice I lost my footing, though I was a skilled enough climber to make it work without panicking. Make no mistake: I’m always scared shitless when I’m at a lethal height, but I trust myself enough to know that if I fucked up, then it was probably less my fault than my luck.

Still, climbing was probably my best and most nurtured talent, so when I got to Elfriede’s window, I wasn’t surprised that I was alive. I was, however, surprised to find that there was no bed in the chamber. After a quick scan, I sprinted across the room and tucked myself into the hiding place that I had used before, though I hoped that I would have an audience with Elfriede sooner rather than later. After an hour or so of waiting, I finally heard steps enter the room, but there were far too many sets for me to risk coming out, so I stayed put and kept an ear out for the Queen’s voice.

I definitely heard her, but it sounded like she was passing out orders to whoever was in the room with her. After two loud thuds and some scraping, the doors closed with a slam and the Queen sighed, two shoe like clatters ringing out in the spartan chamber. I edged the door open and peered around. Once I was sure that there was no one else in the room, I stuck my head out and double checked before knocking on the wood. Elfriede jumped up from her bed and stared in my direction, watching me as I clumsily exited the wardrobe yet again.

“Hullo, love. Did you miss me much?” I asked flippantly.

“No. I’ve already heard the news. Good work, though I wonder how you managed to make them both go mad.” She smirked. “I’ll bet you tied them down and just spoke your mind for a few minutes. That should be enough to make any man lose his mind.”

“Your compliments are too much for humble, handsome me. Who’s up next?”

“So eager to kill, are we?” Elfriede grinned.

“Eager to finish these tasks so I can go home. You only begin to realize how much you miss it when you spend so much time away.”

“I suppose that’s not as ridiculous as some of the things you’ve said, but it’s still not what I had in mind for you. No, you’re not going to see your home for a while longer, Kingslayer.”

“You know my name so why don’t you use it?” I asked sharply.

“Because I know it’s fake, you idiot. I also know that you’re not a rebel.” Elfriede started walking in my direction, levelling a glare at me. “I had a meeting with the leader of the rebellion yesterday, and he said that they’d had a plan in preparation, but nothing concrete, so that leaves me with two possibilities.” She stopped a meter or so away from me.

“Let me save you the trouble. I’m actually an Equestrian, though I wasn’t born there. I actually come from a different world altogether.”

“...Right. And I’m actually Celestia in disguise.”

My face was utterly flat, and Elfriede’s face was a mask, though I could still tell that she was furious from her posture. “I’m not lying, love. I really did pop in from a different world, though I don’t really know why.”

Elfriede took a deep breath and let it out. “For the thousandth time, I’m wondering why I let you live.”

“I’m cute and useful, and don’t pretend otherwise.”

“While true, I don’t believe that outweighs the fact that you both killed my husband and lied to me.”

“Which one are you more upset about?”

“The lying bit. I’ve made my peace with my husband’s death. He was a violent fool.”

“Then I would like to sincerely apologize for lying to you, but I kind of thought that it was the only way I was going to survive.”

“Survival of the smartest, though I loathe calling you any such word.”

“Love you too, dollface. So where are we? I still owe you an assassination and you still have my pretty little pupper. I’d like to know she’s okay before I make another move.”

The Queen rolled her eyes and braced her fingertips against her brow. “I don’t know, to be honest with you. I want you dead, but you’ve done both me and my country a favor in killing my husband, and my people are actually parading down the streets in joy, all because of you. After you take out a noble named Alger, I’ll let you go. Keeping you around is something that will only end in more headaches for me.”

“I told you that you were better suited for ruling. Hell, everything I told you was straight from the mouths of your people, though I just put it in different words, so you should take some more credit for yourself. As for keeping me around, I might see you again some time, just don’t get your hopes up.” I tapped my chin and retraced over what she had said. “Oh, and as for the job, I can’t do it. Alger is supporting you now, if Blitz and Krieg’s words are anything to go by.”

“Alger’s aid is quite the boon, and with Blitz’s property up in the air, now might be a good time to start weeding out more nobles.” A ghost of a smile formed at the corners of her beak which confused me a bit. How do beaks move?

“You’re just coming up with more shit to do now, aren’t you?”

“What, you can dish it out, but can’t receive?”

“Yeah, it’s just like my policy on anal.” The Queen blinked. “That aside, it’s been nice knowing you so far, Elfriede. You’re probably the best queen I’ve ever met.”

She gave me a flat look and scoffed. “I’m likely the only queen you’ve met, fool. And as much as I hate to say it, there’s just something about you that I can’t bring myself to hate. I can despise the rest of you, of course, but there’s just the one thing, and it’s keeping you alive, so watch what you say.”

“You know you love having someone around who doesn’t give two shits about your station. Well, besides making sure you stay in that station.”

“...It’s been a new experience, I’ll give you that much.”

“My point exactly!” I grinned. “Life’s no fun if you get used to the same boring routine.”

“You have a terrible way of livening things up.” She criticized.

“It might be terrible, but it’s unique.”

She waved a hand in my direction and stepped a bit closer, leaving us with about a foot and a half between us. “True. Do you remember what I said about the stages of your punishment?”

“...Yes?”

She smirked. “Give me your arm.”

I cautiously removed my jacket and bared my left forearm, allowing Elfriede to hold it in her talons. Wordlessly, she started lightly tracing words on my skin, slowly pressing harder the further she went. When she finished, the word ‘Kingslayer’ was lightly scratched into the top layer of skin.

“How was that?” She asked coyly, giving me a sinking feeling in my stomach.

“...It was odd.” I tried to take my arm back, but she held fast. “That’s not the end of this, is it?”

“Oh, no,” She cackled softly. “If you want to leave with your dog, you’ve got six more tracings to go. This is actually rather tame compared to what I was going to do to you.”

“...So if I don’t want to leave with Lupa, I can skip you slowly tearing into my flesh?”

“That’s what I implied, isn’t it?” She said with a smug look on her face.

“Let’s just get this over with.”

The process was repeated six more times with Elfriede cutting deeper and deeper as we rose through the numbers. When we reached the seventh and final tracing, I was pouring blood from my forearm and I was in no small amount of pain, my jaw locking up from trying to keep my silence. Thankfully, when Elfriede was done with her little punishment, she poked through her night stand until she found a first aid kit that had been well used over the years.

I have to say, being sewn up by a Queen sucks. A lot. Her embroidery was perfect, mind you, but Elfriede was not kind when it came to the needle, and I feel like she went much deeper than she needed to in order to stop e from bleeding all over the place. My head was starting to spin from losing so much blood over the course of ten or so minutes, but I still had my wits about me, and my healing factor helped with stopping the bleeding minutes after we finished patching me up.

“Seriously, why did you slice me up if you were just going to nurse me? That makes no sense!” I muttered darkly.

Elfriede rolled her eyes. “It’s symbolic in Gryphonian culture, you imbecile. Carving one’s title into their flesh is either an honor or a shame depending on the situation. I actually have the word ‘Queen’ carved into my thigh.”

“...So what if you change titles more than once?”

“It’s optional if it’s an honor, unlike your case. Hurry up and put that ugly jacket back on so we can get you your dog and get you both out of my castle.” Bitch, my fashion sense is fabulous.

I shook my head and retrieved my jacket from where I dropped it. “Are we just walking through the front door or what?”

“There’s no reason to hide you, other than to put an end to gossip before it begins.” Elfride threw a heavy fur coat and walked over to the door. “Are you coming or not? We may have all day, but that doesn’t mean I want to spend it all with you.”

“You’d rather spend the time with me in you, am I right?”

“Yes, but that’s not what matters right now.”

I wasn’t expecting her to say that.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

With Elfriede leading the charge, we retraced my steps through the castle and shocked the shit out the small battalion that was guarding her room. Of course they’d never seen me enter, and I was sure that they had heard the last words out of our mouths. I found that thought to be amusing.

I kept an eye on Elfriede as we took a tour of the castle, which was rather interesting since I wasn’t here to kill anyone anymore. Getting all the murder out of your system was a good way to gain an eye for decor, and the Gryphonians certainly did have a way with it. I carefully examined the antiques that had once been hiding places for me, but this time, with an appraising eye rather than me just trying to find a quick place to get out of someone’s line of sight. All in all, the selection was tasteful, if not a bit on the droll side, and I said as much to Elfriede.

“Didn’t you already have a chance to see the sights?” She responded harshly.

“Yes, but I wasn’t taking my time with a beautiful young lady, now was I?” A passing maid stood ramrod straight with her eyes wide and her mouth agape.

“I suppose you weren’t, though I wouldn’t know. Perhaps you find Lupa attractive?”

“Not quite. I’ve never been fond of bitches.”

“So you’d prefer to sodomize a dog?”

“Firstly, ew. Secondly, fucking ew. Thirdly, the only thing I’m gay for is you, dollface.”

“If you keep calling me dollface, I’ll castrate you.”

I grinned. “Is that anything like a blowjob?”

She glanced at me over her shoulder. “I’m sure that’s something sexual in nature, but I’ve never heard of it.”

“Wow. Bed life that boring?”

“What is the action you’re describing?” She asked irritably.

“A blowjob is when you- Oh, wait, no never mind. I forgot you guys had beaks for a moment, no wonder you’ve never heard of it.”

“I wondered. Are you going to continue taking jabs at my uneventful sex life?”

“Are you going to keep responding?”

“Perhaps.”

“Then yeah, probably. When’s the last time you got laid?”

“I think my son is twenty five, so about twenty three years.”

“...That’s a hell of a dry streak.”

She shrugged. “The perks and pitfalls of being a queen are many. Unlike my husband, I was unable to take paramours, though I would have refused them anyways most of the time. I have a few toys that perform better than Adolf ever did.”

“Oh dear. Either your toys are amazing or your husband was shit at his job.”

“He was quite shit, though I have little in the way of reference. Perhaps the next time we meet, I could entice you.”

“Yeah baby, just pour all of your sweet, sexy sarcasm and abuse all over me. You know all the ways to get my motor running, don’t you?” I replied wryly.

“I don’t know what a motor is, but I’m sure I could do whatever you said.”

“How do you know that you’re not doing it already?”

“Do you flirt this much with every woman, or is it just me?”

“In my defense, I’ve never gotten to try laying a queen.”

Elfriede tutted. “All in due time. I wonder if Adolf will roll in his grave when he learns that I bedded the man who killed him!” She cackled.

“Little evil there, dollface.”

“What did I tell you about calling me dollface?”

“To do it as often as possible so I get on your good side?”

“...You’re a taxing individual when you’re not trying to get into my bed.”

“I might be, but I’m worth the frayed nerves most days. I’ve been told that I’m not terrible between the sheets.”

“Simply being not bad is not good.”

“I’m being modest, for once!”

“Oh, is that what that was? I thought you were having a stroke.”

“If I was having a stroke, your feathers would be coated by now.” I quipped.

“The way you speak confuses me, but it’s charming in its own way.”

“Sounds about right. How much further until we pass the kennel?”

“We’ve a few minutes more. Tiring of my company so soon?”

“If I was a masochist, I’d be loving life right now, but all I really want to do is get back to my woman and tell her how much she means to me.”

“You’re already spoken for, and yet you still chase after me? I wondered about your morals, but being an assassin doesn’t afford one such comforts if your actions are anything to go by.”

“They really aren’t. I’m sure you’re well aware of Equestria’s views on polygamy.”

“Actually, I was under the understanding that the ponies were monogamous like my own people.”

“Nope, the ponies sleep around like it’s going out of style. I have three girlfriends and two friends with benefits, though I can’t give no love to one of my girlfriends due to some interference from another.”

“That sounds needlessly complicated and tedious to deal with.”

“It is, but it’s worth it when you have someone to turn to after you’ve pissed one of your girls off. I have yet to piss them all off at the same time, thankfully.”

“I’m sure you’ll manage to do that at least once.” She commented icily.

“Don’t like the idea of sharing so much, do you?”

“I do not. I wouldn't make you my new husband in your wildest dreams, but I would still like a chance to lay you. I’m willing to bet that few women of any race have gotten to sleep with a one of a kind creature.”

“Isn’t xenophilia fun?”

We walked on in silence after that, and I was mildly surprised to find that Elfriede wasn’t just being whimsical. Of course it was fucked up that she wanted me, but there was a lingering feeling of taboo that pervaded through my bones, the thrill of chasing another royal tail making my heart beat just a little faster. Then and there, I made it my personal mission to be a complete slut and sleep with as many ruling powers as possible, starting with Celestia again. That is, if she didn’t find out about the whole going against her specific wishes thing. I sighed when I thought about the consequences of my actions, but I felt justified in making the choices that I had. If Celestia wanted to be mad about preventing a war, then she could be as salty as she wanted: The families I’d kept together would be a comfort to me, even if coming here had cost me what ever piece of her heart I had.

Elfriede lead me to the kennel and I was glad to see that Lupa had been well taken care of while I was gone. Her nails were trimmed, her coat shone, and her teeth were the cringiest shade of white. All in all, Lupa was looking good and relaxed.

“Miss me?” I asked

Elfriede rolled her eyes. “Don’t tell me that you’re one of the loons who speak to their pets.”

“Wow. She’s a bigger twat than that one woman in Farrier.” Lupa observed.

“You mean Grape Sprinkles?” I asked. Elfriede stared at me.

“Yeah, that one. She was unpleasant, but this one is borderline hostile.”

“She just takes some getting used to. She might be meaner than you, but I get enough abuse from you that I’m kinda immune to it now.”

“...Are you having a conversation with your dog?” Elfriede asked slowly.

“I understand her words, she understands mine. Can’t you talk to birds or something?”

“I can, but we are like creatures. You look nothing like your pet.”

“Alright, I was taking the piss with you, and we need to set some things straight.” Elfriede lifted an eyebrow. “Lupa is a wolf, not a dog. She was born wild and is wild, she’s just more intelligent than most creatures. And she is my companion, not my pet. She doesn’t follow my orders often enough to be a pet.” Lupa nipped my thigh. “You know it's true.”

“True or not, you don’t have to make me sound like a naughty pup.” Lupa barked.

“Shut up and let the bipeds talk, yeah?” I squatted down and flexed my thumbs in front of her muzzle. “Opposable thumbs only!”

“You are such a pup, it astonishes me that people allow you to have sex.” Lupa jibed.

“Get fucked by Bearett some time and let me know how that goes.”

Elfriede shook her head slowly and started walking off somewhere, not even gesturing for Lupa and I to follow, something I found to be quite rude. It was a quiet walk to wherever we were going and it stretched on and on since the decor seemed to repeat after so many side halls. I swear I saw the same picture hanging in three different places, but when I brought it up to the Queen, she shook her head and kept walking. So much for ice breakers.

Our merry little trio eventually got to a pair of huge double doors. “This is where we say our goodbyes.” Elfriede announced. “From here, you are free to do as you please. Just don’t come back uninvited.”

“So show up whenever it’s convenient for me? Gotcha.” I heard the guards on duty chortle, but the laughter was immediately silenced when Elfriede started glaring. With a flick of her hand, they opened the doors and the mellow light of sunset spilled in, brightening the main hall by a few degrees.

“If you do come uninvited, I expect to see you bumbling from my wardrobe. If you manage to make it that far, I won’t even have you hanged.”

“The thing is, you already know I can get there, it’s just a matter of when I’ll be there.” I started to walk out the door but paused. “Hey, Queen.”

“Yes?”

I turned around and stuck a hand out to her. “My name is Max.”

She looked at my hand for a moment before she took it. “You already know my name, and I don’t feel like going through my titles.”

“Fair enough. Can I call you a friend?” I asked innocently.

“...What are you playing at?”

“The game of friendship!” I gave her a dead smile.

“I’m not fond of that game. It often leads to sharp objects in hard to reach places.”

“Not when you’re friends with me. I promise you that I won’t stab you unless you deserve it.”

“How reassuring. I suppose I could grant you this one, small boon.”

“Thanks, dollface. I’ll make sure you don’t regret it.”

“I already am. Goodbye… Friend.”

“Goodbye, friend. I hope we meet again in more pleasant circumstances.”

Elfriede nodded and I turned to leave once more. Walking through the doors of the castle a free, living man was a great feeling. One that I’ll not soon forget.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I stayed in Otterwa for a few more days since I wasn’t in any real danger now. I toured the city, saw some old ruins, ate a fuckton of meat that was cooked by someone who actually knew what they were doing, and just generally enjoyed not having to deal with any bullshit for a while. Honestly, the drama that followed me in Ponyville was so exhausting in its own right that taking this mission had almost been some kind of murdery vacation, and it was one that I needed. In my short time back in Ponyville, I had already done a fair bit of arguing and making up, and that was after The month long disappearance! I figured that a couple more weeks wouldn’t kill anyone, so I wasn’t in much of a hurry to get home, despite my earlier statements. Yes, I wanted to be home, I just wasn’t quite prepared to deal with the bullshit that would ensue.

The trip back to Hooverton was a tedious one, though Lupa had plenty of stories to share from her time in a kennel. You wouldn’t believe some of the things Gryphons do with honey and peanut butter. It gives me the shivers just thinking about some of what she told me, and I banished any thoughts of doing that to Lupa the moment they crossed into my mind. I had plenty of bipedal things to lick my knob, and none of them were like a sister to me. Lupa and I meandered through Hooverton as the moon was rising, looking for another inn. The one we had visited before was filled with farmers or something, so Lupa and I were looking for a place to stay that wasn’t out in the open. The night before, it had rained on us, so I know that I was looking forward to a warm bed for the night.

Camping fucking sucks.

I only knew one person in Hooverton, and I hoped that they had retained enough of their… Ponyity? Humanity, but for ponies. I hoped that they retained enough humanity to take it a hungry man and his wolf for the night. Since no one was on the streets, I couldn’t exactly as kfor directions, but I was thankful for street signs and a decent memory, both of which played a part in me being able to get back to Starshine Nebula’s flat. After a walk that paled in comparison to the multiple dozens of kilometers I had traversed in the past few days, I stood in front of Nebula’s door, waiting for her to reply to my knocks.

Eventually she came to the door and I waved a greeting. “Hullo, love.”

“...Hi.” Nebula responded eloquently.

“Could I ask a favor of you?”

“That depends on what the favor is.” Nebula answered cautiously.

“I need a place to stay for the night, and the inn’s full to the brim with country folk. Can I crash on your couch.”

Nebula gave me an odd look before she opened her door the rest of the way. “I guess?”

“Thanks, love. I’ll make you breakfast or something as payment.” I gave her a weary grin.

“...Are you okay?” She asked.

“Little worn out from the travel over the border is all. It’s nothing you should worry about too much.” I placated.

“...Right. Hurry up and get in before the neighbors see you.” She stepped aside and gestured for Lupa and I to get our asses in there, so we quickly stepped inside with Nebula leading the way after shutting the door. She dropped us off in her living room and grabbed a few spare blankets for us.

“I don’t have much bedding, but I’m sure you two will make do.” Nebula said.

I nodded. “We will. Thanks for this, love, I’ll owe you one.”

“Don’t worry about it too much. Helping ponies is what it’s supposed to be about anyway.”

“I don’t think that’s either of our specialties, but if that’s what got me a place to sleep, you won’t hear me complaining.” I took one of the blankets from Nebula and sat down.

“Of course. If it’s all the same to you, I’m going back to sleep.”

“Before you do that, I still have some of your presents left over. Do you want them back or should I keep them?”

“Keep ‘em. I get paid to make poisons for Operatives. You’re an Operative, you have some poison. My job was done when I gave it to you.”

“Sweet, can’t wait to kill some squirrels with these!”

“...On second thought, why don’t I hold on to those for you?”

I grinned and handed over the vials. “Thought you’d never ask. I’m not much of a poison kinda guy to be honest with you.”

“Then why did you take them in the first place if you weren’t going to use them?”

“Because it would have been rude to refuse! What am I supposed to do, turn away gifts from everyone just because I don’t intend on using them? They might still come in handy later, and one of those actually did come in handy, so I feel rather justified.”

“You’re a strange one, and coming from me, that’s saying a lot.” Nebula smiled. “Good night, and don’t try and sneak into my room.”

“But you’re so warm and cuddly!”

Nebula shook her head and went back to her domain, leaving Lupa and I to make ourselves comfortable in the limited space of her living room. It wasn’t exactly small, but Nebula’s couch and coffee table were massive, so Lupa had to squeeze in between them to keep her spot next to me. After a few more minutes of getting settled in, we shut up and got ready for an extended nap.

Nightmares woke me up a bit before dawn, but I was getting used to them more and more. My days of waking up in a cold sweat were behind me, and the days of waking up mildly irritated were here. The only thing that really bothered me about them now was the fact that I was losing sleep whenever I woke up, but I was getting used to that too these days. In fact, I was starting to base my day off of when I woke up, and since it was a little after four today, I started writing. I’d brought the blank book that I was using to write the tale of Midnight Stroll, so I flicked on one of Nebula’s lame ass lamps and got to it. After a couple hours of wasting time, I stepped over Lupa and got started on breakfast, and I have to say that for a single person, Nebula kept her pantry well stocked.

I ended up making some pancakes and chopped the stems off of some spinach to make a half decent breakfast, though Lupa paid no mind to the leafy greens. While I was slaving over a hot stove to make something tasty for our host, Lupa went and ate the rest of the jerky we’d brought back from Gryphonia, and I was as salty as the jerky because of it, but I couldn’t dog her out in front of Nebula, so I made a mental note to let Lupa know what I thought about her selfishness later.

Speaking of Nebula, she came into the kitchen shortly after I started brewing some coffee with her hair styled in the typical morning do, which is to say, wild as Hell. I decided not to comment on any of the similarities between her and Twilight because she didn’t know who I was comparing her to and it would have been impolite to compare them anyway. Out loud, at least. I performed a thorough comparison during the silent affair that was breakfast in my head and wasn’t surprised to find that both of the odd, studious, scientist types were nearly two sides of the same coin, at a glance. I didn’t know Nebula well enough to make an in depth hypothesis, but her mannerisms and demeanor during breakfast told me that she was just like Twilight when it came to coffee in the morning. After she had a few sips of my Pitch Black Death™, Nebula perked right up, attacking the plate I’d set in front of her, foregoing the meager picking she’d been doing before the coffee.

Once Nebula finished her coffee and refilled it, she actually started talking. “You know, you’re not that bad at cooking, for a stallion.”

“Thanks love. You’re not that bad at eating, for a woman”

Her little smirk evaporated. “Are you calling me fat?”

“When did I say that? Take my words for what they are, not what you think they mean.” I sipped my coffee.

“You totally called her fat.” Lupa chimed in. I did not honor that with an answer.

Nebula gave me a womanly look and daintily picked at her last few bites of spinach as if she could erase the horrors of the past five minutes by playing nice now. I rolled my eyes at her antics and Lupa picked her plate up from the floor and carried it off to the sink, which got Nebula’s attention.

“...Did your dog just put it’s plate in the sink?” She asked slowly.

“She’s a wolf, not a dog, and yes. Yes she did.” Lupa trotted back to my side and I rubbed her ears.

“Where can I get one?” Nebula asked with a wide smile.

“If you can get lucky enough to have one of my kind imprint on you, I’ll eat Max.” Lupa muttered.

“Lupa says it’s hard to get one of her kind to like you, and if that’s the case, I wonder what they’re like if they hate you.” Lupa nipped my thigh and I swatted her shoulder.

“It seems like you two get along well enough.” Nebula said..

I rolled my eyes. “If you could hear the mouth on Lupa, you would definitely disagree.”

She cocked her head.“She’s pretty vocal for a canine, but I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”

“That’s because you only hear her bark or grunt. I actually understand what she’s saying.”

“...Right.” She nodded and subtly leaned away from me.

“You sound like you’re insane whenever you try and tell people that.” Lupa stated.

“I know, but the looks on their faces are worth it.” I smirked.

“Wait, were you talking to her just now?” Nebula asked.

“Yeah. She told me that I sound insane whenever I tell people that I can talk to her.”

“Well…” She shrugged awkwardly.

“Trust me, I already knew that.”

With that conversation ended, I got up and started cleaning the mess I’d made while Nebula tried and failed to subtly inspect Lupa. My wolf decided to screw with her after a few minutes of enduring Nebula’s feeble attempts, trotting over to sit a few steps away. Once Lupa knew she had Nebula’s attention, she stared at her with an intense, unblinking gaze. Those are Lupa’s words, not mine. I was in the kitchen unable to see what was happening after she’d moved, but Lupa reported that she shadowed Nebula through her house, which I found to be both amusing and creepy. Once they’d made a circuit of the premises and I’d finished up with cleaning and gathering my shit, I met a mildly freaked out mare and my innocent looking pupper in the living room and said my goodbyes. I’d have to make sure I wrote a letter to Nebula sometime.

On the walk over to the Teleportation Station, I remembered to chew Lupa out, so that was nice, and even better was the fact that Velvet Breeze wasn’t the pony manning the station so I didn’t have to deal with that awkward bullshit before I headed back to Sadsdale. Of course, I didn’t remember how to get to the town train station, so I had to ask one of the locals, and that was fucking depressing. Everything about the fellow bored me to death, and his sad sack method of speech was grating on my nerves. By the time the guy was done speaking, I probably would have shot him and then myself, but guns don’t exist in Ponyland and I’m not patient or knowledgeable enough to make anything more than a cannon.

Getting to the station took longer than I would have liked, but that’s just because Sadsdale was full of suck, and none of it was the good kind. I’m sure that I could have found someone desperate or stupid enough to try sucking my happiness out through my knob, but that would have been taking advantage of people and I’m just not okay with that, especially since they wouldn’t get much out of it, even if it did work.

Leaving that cheery topic behind, the train ride was boring. The car was too full of folk visiting friends and relatives in Sadsdale for me to talk to Lupa, and there weren’t many people talking anyways. Most of my fellow passengers were shaking off the bad vibes from the shitty little town, and even though I’d only been there for a few hours at most, I was doing the same. Sadsdale was on my list of places to never go again.

Few of the ponies that had ridden with me got off at Ponyville. I wasn’t terribly interested, but I had thought that many of the passengers were from the nearby town. Apparently I was wrong, not that it really mattered. Lupa and I started making our way to the town square to buy some food and other supplies since we’d been away so long and made it home unaccosted. It was a nice evening, all things said, and it gave me time to fill in the missing parts of my journal before I let the girls know that I was back in town.

I had company soon after I sent my notes around. Twilight, Rarity, and Fluttershy all showed up within the hour, but when I asked why they’d shown up together, I was met with glares from all three women.

This was the real reason I’d stayed in Gryphonia.

They’d settled for silently glaring at me while I got the tea and snacks prepared. Once finished, I placed the platter of snacks in the middle of the coffee table and served each of my guests some tea that I may or may not have put some ancient wine in.

“So, my pretty little ponies, to what do I owe the honor of-” I began calmly.

“Max. Where have you been?” Rarity asked.

“I’ve been away on business. I’m sorry I didn’t have a chance to give you more notice before my absence, but my associate sprung the matter on me at the last moment.” I explained.

“You had enough time to tell Fluttershy, but nopony else?” Rarity asked evenly.

“I needed Lupa to accompany me and I knew that she was at Fluttershy’s. I trusted Fluttershy to relay what I could share with you.”

Twilight cleared her throat. “You didn’t exactly tell Fluttershy much.”

“I’m a Royal Operative, Twilight. I can’t tell you what happened, and unless you want to get me arrested for treason, I suggest we all let this matter go before it muddies the water. I had a mission. I cannot tell you about it, and I need you to keep the fact that I even went on this mission a secret.”

That earned me no favors. “Why can’t you tell us where you went?” Rarity asked.

“Because it’s the nature of my work as an Operative. If you don’t trust me enough to let it lie, then trust your Princesses to know what they’re doing.”

“You’ve told me multiple times that Princess Celestia isn’t perfect.” Twilight said.

“Do you respect her any less for it?” I shot back.

Twilight dropped her gaze.

“...How often is this going to happen?” Fluttershy asked softly.

“I can’t say. It won’t be often, if I’m not mistaken. The only reason I went this time is because it had to be me for reasons I can’t tell you.”

Fluttershy nodded and sighed. “I really want to be mad at you, but if this is your job…”

“Thank you for understanding, Fluttershy.”

She nodded and Rarity continued glaring at me. “Just what sort of business takes nearly three weeks to complete?”

“Business I can’t speak of.” I replied cooly.

“Rarity…” Fluttershy said gently.

“Yes, Fluttershy, I know.” She sighed. “It’s just frustrating.”

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.” I offered.

“Oh, it’s quite alright, dear.” Rarity replied, the wind taken out of her sails.

I sipped my tea and reached for a biscuit. “So what’s been going on while I’ve been away? Life in Ponyville can’t be boring all the time, yeah?”

Twilight furrowed her brow. “Max, there’s something that’s been bothering me for a while now…”

“I do concur, Twilight, but I can’t put my finger on it for the life of me.” Rarity said.

“Well I can.” Twilight stated.

“S-So can I…” Fluttershy added.

I gestured with my biscuit hand. “Speak your mind.”

“Max, why do you sound like you’re depressed again?” Twilight asked bluntly.

“I dunno, maybe I just like sounding dead inside?”

“Does it have to do with your mission?” She asked, her eyes narrowed.

“Yeah, probably. Can we get to the current events now? You already know I can’t talk about what happened.”

Twilight shut up, but she didn’t stop glaring at me.

“Is it so wrong for us to want to know what goes on in your life?” Rarity asked.

“I never said it was, bonny, and I never meant to imply it.” I responded.

Fluttershy raised her hand and I turned my attention toward her. “T-this should h-have turned into an a-argument by now…”

“Thank you for thinking so highly of me. I really do appreciate it.” I deadpanned.

Fluttershy had the good grace to look abashed. “S-Sorry…”

“Don’t worry about it. Now, recent events?”

“Well, there really hasn’t been much to speak of besides one incident…” Rarity said.

“Oh? What happened?”

She blushed and glanced at Twilight who was also blushing. “Nothing you would find important.”

“You might be surprised.” I commented idly.

“Well…” Rarity began. “Spike may or may not have told me something interesting that I was unaware of.”

“...Are you serious? I thought he already let you know he had a crush on you.”

“Wait, you knew!?” She asked, eyes wide. “Did everypony except me know?”

“It was painfully obvious, bonny. How you weren’t aware is beyond me.” I nibbled on my biscuit.

“...Be that as it may, I had to let him down gently, though things haven’t been the same since.” She said wistfully.

“Yeah, that’s kinda your fault. You really should have noticed before now.” I remarked dryly.

She pursed her lips and stopped talking. “So. Any other news?” I asked.

“N-No. Not really. E-Everypony just missed you…” Fluttershy said.

“Aww, how sweet.”

“...That sounded really disingenuous.” Twilight remarked.

“Really? I kinda meant it.” I replied flippantly.

“Max, you’ve changed…”

“I’m sure I have.” I sipped my tea some more.

Fluttershy, Rarity and Twilight traded looks and focused on me. “...Is there something you need to talk about?” Twilight asked.

“Probably, but I don’t feel like it.” I shrugged. “It's no big deal.”

“It seems like a big deal…” Fluttershy said softly.

“Eh. It is what it is. How have your animals been?”

“...How long do you think you can manage like this?.” She asked after a moment.

“As long as I need to, though I don’t know what you’re talking about. I feel perfectly fine, poppet, no reason to worry.” I replied.

“...Of course. Forget I said anything.” Fluttershy murmured.

“Okay then. Seriously, has nothing happened since I’ve been gone?”

“No, not really, though there’s supposed to be a Gryphon in the town inn. Apparently they came in earlier today, but nopony’s had a chance to talk to them yet.”

Interesting. “That’s strange. I’ve never seen a Gryphon this side of the border.”

“I’ve seen a Gryphon in real life!” Rarity gushed. “I do hope she’ll be pleasant!”

“Don’t count on it, Rares. Gryphons aren’t the nicest people by nature, if my interactions with them are anything to go by.”

“...I don’t believe you have the best track record, all things considered.” She said. “Perhaps you just need a larger sample size?”

“One Gryphon won’t make up for dozens, but don’t let me kill your dreams.”

“Fair enough.” She sniffed. “I do believe that’s the gist of the happenings in town, though.”

“Radical.”

Lupa trotted in from the kitchen and rested her head on Fluttershy’s lap.

“So…” Twilight began, drawing my attention.

“Yes, love?”

“You can’t talk about anything that went on during your mission?”

“Nope, not a thing.”

“...So we’re just supposed to accept that you up and disappeared for three weeks?”

“It comes with the territory. Again, I’m sorry I can’t fill in the blanks for you, but it’s the nature of my work.”

“What if I asked Princess Celestia to give us the clearance so you can tell us?”

“I would stop talking to you. I did some shit I’m not proud of, and I doubt Celestia would give you clearance anyways.”

“What kind of things are you doing, Max? What do you even do for the Princesses?”

“I do things that the average person can’t and shouldn’t do for the good of Equestria.” I inspected my finger nails.

“Darling, that tells us nothing.” Rarity put in.

“It tells you everything you need to know. Trying different approaches to get the same information won't work, girls. If that’s all you want, then it’s getting awfully late.”

“It is getting on in the hours.” Rarity admitted. “I think we’ll see you some other time.”

She rose to take her leave and Twilight followed suit. “For what it’s worth, we’re glad to have you with us again, Max.” Twilight said with a small smile.

“Glad to be back, girls. I’ll see you another time.”

Twilight and Rarity headed toward the door, but Fluttershy remained seated. When questioned about her lack of motion, she told the girls that she would catch up, which meant I had more talking to do. With the purple maned ones out of the way, Fluttershy lead me to my couch and sat next to me, something I started taking as a bad sign.

“I know you can’t talk about it, but I want you to know that I’m here for you.” Fluttershy held my hand firmly.

“Thanks, poppet. I do appreciate it.” I squeezed her hand and smiled, but she only seemed more concerned.

“...You’re really worrying me, Max.”

I kissed her cheek. “Don’t worry, love, it’ll pan out. Trust me when I say I’m fine.”

She laid her head on my shoulder. “I do trust you, I really do, but you’re just… Different. You feel different.”

I got her to raise her head for a moment and wrapped an arm around her. “More different than when I came back from the Everfree?”

“...Well, no. Then it was like you had gotten a bit more… Wild. Now it’s like you’re harder-”

“If you hopped in my lap, that would be true.” I grinned.

She lightly tapped my thigh. “Okay, that’s the Max I remember.”

“So what? I haven’t been making as many jokes, so something has to be wrong?”

“Well…”

I rolled my eyes. “If you girls worried any more about pointless shit, I swear you’re all going to have conniptions for the rest of your lives.”

“...I’m pretty sure we have good reason to be worried.”

“If you think so.” I squeezed her arm. “I missed you, Flutters.”

“I missed you too. Having you back is always nice.”

“Of course, how are you supposed to go on with life without the best thing that’s ever happened to you?”

“And I thought Rainbow was supposed to be the arrogant one.” She jibed.

“She is, I’m the modest one.”

She patted my thigh. “Whatever you need to tell yourself, sweetie.”

“I keep forgetting that you’re secretly mean as Hell.”

Fluttershy withdrew from my shoulder and held a hand to her chest. “M-Me? M-M-Mean?” She gave me the puppy dog eyes.

I lifted a brow. “Yes, you. Mean. It’s the quiet ones you look out for, after all. Who knows what goes on up in that pretty little head of yours?”

She smiled and stood up. “There’s a lot swirling around up here, but I don’t think you’re interested in what I have to say.”

I grabbed her hand. “Don’t say that, poppet, most of what comes out of your mouth is interesting.”

“Only most?”

“Have you tried listening to the details of a spa trip more than once? It’s boring as hell”

“Oh, well I’m glad you let me know before I bored you again.” She sniffed.

“No problem.” I rose from my seat and wrapped my arms around her. “Anything to alleviate the general aura of drabness you exude.“

She laced her arms around my neck and pursed her lips “...Okay, I can’t tell if you’re joking.”

“I am.” I leaned in and gave her a kiss.

What happened after that kiss is something that I’m not allowed to record, so make of that what you will.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next morning was a good one. Fluttershy somehow managed to get up before me, cook breakfast, and be out the door before I got up, though she returned with Lupa shortly after nine. I’d already eaten the meal she’d made for me and was in the middle of writing when they got back. Lupa went straight to the recliner and Fluttershy dragged me to the couch from my easy chair yet again. We spent a few hours cuddling and doing a whole lot of nothing until someone interrupted us.

Upon opening my front door, I found myself an Apple on my stoop, and she did not look happy. Butterflies spread through my stomach when I looked at her, and I was suddenly reminded about the little issue I had run into regarding her in particular.

“Hullo, Applejack. Nice to see you.”

She crossed her arms. “We need to talk.”

“Four words to sour any good day.” I shook my head. “Come on in.”

I stepped aside and she came in. She sat down in my easy chair and I took up my spot next to Fluttershy after they exchanged greetings.

“So what brings you over?” I asked.

“Where do you get off, disappearin’ again!?” Someone wasn’t happy.

Fluttershy held my arm and I patted her hand. “It was royal business, firefly. I can’t say much more than that.”

Applejack glared at me and set her jaw. Obviously, I wasn’t going to get anywhere fast with her and I sighed. “Look, there’s not much I can do. I already had this conversation with Fluttershy, Rarity and Twilight last night, and I’ll tell you what I told them: As a Royal Operative, there are things I do that I can’t talk about. I can’t say where I’ve been, and I can’t tell you what I’ve done-”

“Max, I ain’t even upset about none of that.” She huffed. “I'm mad that I had to learn second hoof that you were leavin’!”

“Oh. Well shit, there’s nothing I can say to that one. Sorry?”

“Sorry won’t cut it, buster! I thought I was supposed to be your best friend!”

“You are. If I’d had more prep time, I would have told you, but I literally left Ponyville right after getting Lupa from Fluttershy. Not exactly enough time to warn you of an imminent departure.”

“Gosh darn it! Why do ya have to sound so darn reasonable!?” She shouted.

“A-Applejack, m-maybe you should calm down?” Fluttershy said nervously.

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “You’re right, Flutters. Sorry, I just don’t like bein’ left in the dark-”

“When it comes to your friends, I understand.” I finished for her.

“...That ain’t what I was gonna say, but it’ll do for now.” Applejack sighed. “Ya know, I was expectin’ you to be mad at me for bein’ mad at you.”

“Well that just sounds silly. I’ve never been the type to stay mad after a few harsh words, and I’ve told you as much before.”

“Oh yeah. I guess I’m just used to you gettin’ mad.”

I shook my head and looked at her, brows furrowed. “When’s the last time I actually got mad at you? Like, properly upset instead of drunk.”

“I-I guess I don’t really know. Ya didn’t seem mad after the incident when I saw ya, and the only time you’ve been mad enough to throw a punch was that one time when you were drunk.”

“Exactly. Why do you girls keep thinking I’m going to be upset? It’s mildly irritating to have people thinking you’re that sensitive.”

“It’s not that…” Fluttershy began.

“Ponies don’t think you’re sensitive, they think you’re… How would you put it? ‘A right prick’?”

“Oh. I suppose it’s nice to know what people really think of me.” I gave her a half smile.

“That ain’t all ponies, just a few.” Applejack added quickly.

“You girls have already told me that people fear harsh words from me, so don’t try to make up for it now.” I smirked.

“...I may have forgotten about that.” She admitted.

“It’s been like, two months or something since then, so I’m not surprised. I’ve been spending a lot of time away recently, haven’t I?”

Applejack and Fluttershy traded a guilty look. I shrugged and didn’t dig because I didn’t feel like possibly getting offended over dumb shit. I found it to be a mature move, if not lazy.

“So, Applejack. What’s been going on in your world since I’ve been gone?”

“Not much to be honest with you. It’s Apple Buckin’ Season, so I’ve been tryin’ to keep up with the workload. It ain’t goin’ too bad, but we could always use a hand.” I could feel the obligation, but I didn’t feel like it.

“Sorry, love, but farm work isn’t my thing.”

“Aww, come on! Even Rarity came to help the other day!” She protested.

“Rarity hasn’t just come home after being gone for the majority of a month.” I reasoned.

“Okay, it mighta been a little selfish to ask you to help right after comin’ home.”

“It was…” Fluttershy added. Applejack tipped her hat to her.

“So it was.” She admitted.

“Alright. Besides bucking apples like a naughty little girl, what else have you been up to?”

“I think ‘buckin’ means somethin’ different to you.” Applejack said with a blush.

“N-No, th-that’s what he meant…” Fluttershy uttered. I nodded my agreement.

“I don't buck apples.” Applejack said firmly, though the effect was ruined by the adorable splash of red across her cheeks.

“Of course you don’t firefly.” I said sarcastically.

Fluttershy swatted me and it actually hurt, so I shut up. I would have been happy to torture Applejack longer than necessary, but as always, someone had to ruin my fun. I bore the boredom for a few hours before Fluttershy and Applejack went back home, leaving me to my own devices. Since I had nothing to do for the rest of the day and no desire to do anything else, I went out to my shed, plucked some bud and packed a bowl. After going so long without smoking, I was doing just fine after one, so I put it up and went to go do my sloth impression on my couch.

Sadly, my peace did not last long. Luna straight up just teleported into my living room around seven, right after the sun had set. I was half asleep when she came, so I didn’t bother sitting all the way up for her arrival.

“Hello, Maximus.” She greeted once she saw me. “I trust all is well in our neighboring nation?”

“I’m sure you already know that Adolf has met his end.” I responded.

“Yes, I am aware of this. Tell me, how did you complete your mission? How did you succeed where I failed?” Luna asked.

I took a deep breath. “I’ll skip to where I get into Otterwa, scouted the castle, used the information given to me by Starshine and some locals to get in, killed like, ten or so guards and got into the northern tower. From there, I killed that King dude, got caught, lied my ass off, got sent on a penance mission, had some bullshit carved into my flesh, stuck around for a few days after I was freed from service and got propositioned by the new Queen of Gryphonia before I left.”

“...What?” Luna asked.

I gave her the long version, which took around an hour, accounting for her questions. When all was said and done, Luna refused to look at me.

“I truly cannot believe that you wooed the widow of the King. I will not believe that.” She huffed, her back turned toward me.

“Believe it or not, it happened.”

“I have met the Queen of Gryphonia, and I don’t think that I’ve ever met a more bitter person in my entire life.”

“She’s pretty bitchy, I’ll give you that. Apparently she just thinks I’m cute. And it’s pretty fucked up to sleep with your husband’s killer, so we have that going for us.”

“...That is wrong on so many levels.”

“Yeah, probably. How long do you think we can keep this from Celestia?”

Luna didn’t give any indication that she’d heard me.

“She already knows, doesn’t she.”

“I never said that.” Luna turned her head slightly.

“Didn’t have to.” I sighed. “When am I going to get a visit from her?”

“I do not know, nor do I envy you. Celly will only go so far with me because I am her sister, but she has fewer reservations for you, something she’s made clear to me over the past week.” Luna muttered darkly.

“Fucking lovely.” I rubbed my temples. “So what do you make of me working for Elfriede?”

“We wanted her in power, and now she is. What you did to make sure she stayed there was justified.”

“Radical. I wasn’t sure if I was stepping out of my bounds there, but it kept me alive.”

“That it did. I’m still surprised that I had the wrong tower the entire time and none of my sources corrected me.”

“Yeah, I got lucky on that, finding Broomhilda and all. I wonder how she’s doing.”

“She is fine. We received a report from Gryphonia shortly after Adolf died and she was marked as one of our living threads.”

“Glad to hear that.”

“You do not sound like it. Is all well, Maximus?” She turned to face me.

“No, not really. I added thirteen bodies to my toll and it’s kinda fucking me up, but I’ll be fine. Nothing to worry about from me.”

“I find that speaking one’s issues often aids in alleviating undue stress.”

“I’m not stressed? I’m fine, seriously. Just a little down or what ever.”

“So you say.” Luna said skeptically.

“So I do. Are there any more questions you haven’t asked?”

“Why do you think Queen Elfriede allowed you to live?”

“Probably because her husband was an abusive prick and I sounded like a rebel with a cause when she caught me.” I shrugged. “Maybe I’m just too cute to die?”

“The former is far more likely than the latter. I wonder why I have yet to receive a note from Queen Elfriede regarding my condolences.”

“Probably because she’s dealing with ruling her country and getting shit settled down. When I was there, Gryphonia seemed like it was a work in progress, though the people were happier.”

“One could only expect that with a long desired regime change would come hope for tomorrow. The Gryphons have lived under Adolf’s oppression for too long, and I hope that putting Elfriede in power brings peace to Gryphonia.”

“Right. Level with me, Luna.” She lifted a brow. “Is the current state of Gryphonia a result of Equestrian interference?”

“What makes you ask that?” she inquired indifferently.

“The mission reeked. It was espionage and manipulation on a scale that I never dreamed that I could be apart of. Global politics, changed over the course of one night after countless nights spent planning for it, and it just doesn’t make sense to me when I think about how Adolf’s case was stacked against him. Every scrap of information I had about the guy lead to me believing he was a proper prick, but I wonder just what made him that way.”

Luna began pacing across my living room. “Your words are untrue, but I trust you enough to say that while Celestia has meddled in Gryphonian affairs before, the only influence we have used to change anything there in recent times was when you came for the King.”

I nodded. “I was just curious. It makes my head spin when I consider just how deep you guys are in a country that’s not yours, and I find it a little stressful that I’ve befriended the Queen of a country you’re spying on.”

“Wait, you mean you actually befriended Elfriede? I can believe that you charmed her, but not that you came to any sort of friendly terms with her.”

“I say we’re friends, but it’s a relationship based on murder and lies, so I guess you can make whatever you want out of that.”

“...You’re an interesting creature at times.”

“I’m always interesting, baby cakes. Might be less interesting at times, but I can still catch an eye just fine.” I said smugly.

“Call me baby cakes again and I’ll eviscerate you.”

“See, that’s kinda what my relationship with Elfriede is like. I piss her off just before the point where she’s willing to kill me, and we have a laugh about my near death experience.”

“I’ll say that you have certain qualities that are appealing, though your sense of humor is dreadful. Perhaps if you spent less time irritating mares, you might have more friends.”

“Hey, being prickly yet likeable has gotten me plenty so far. It earned me a modicum of your respect, Celestia’s love, and some lust from a queen, so I have to be doing something right.”

“Yes, you’ve formed passable relations with ponies who have committed atrocities that only royalty can. Be proud.”

“I’ll wear it like a badge.” I smiled at her.

“...It is unsettling when you do that.” Luna said.

“What? When I smile?”

“Yes. Your mouth moves, but the action seems hollow. It never quite reaches your eyes.”

“Huh. That’s probably why Fluttershy, Twilight, and Rarity were so stressed out. I keep telling them I’m fine, but-”

“You are not fine. It is not my place to interfere with your life, but I do suggest that you find somepony to confide in. I remember my first few hundred deaths, and they made their mark on me, but I hope that this numbness is something you will not find.”

“At the rate I’m going, I’m heading straight for it. I’ve killed a lot of people in the past six months, and so far, the predominant trend in my missions has that body count rising. If I ever get another one, I’m guessing that number will only continue to rise, and I’ve made my peace with that. I’m not above suffering so people can sleep safely in their homes.”

“A noble sacrifice, to be sure. Your service is highly valued, Maximus, and your fame in the ranks of the Operatives is rising. I will be sure to pass high interest missions to you, if that is what you desire.”

“Using a friend to separate the wheat from the chaff? Sounds like some dirty politics to me, love.”

“Did you not just return from an assassination?”

I scratched my beard. “...Fair enough. Point Luna.”

“Are we keeping points now? If so, I’ll be sure to correct you more often.”

“Sure, we could do that. Or we could not do that and say we did so people think we’re closer than we actually are.”

“I like that idea better. Let’s not and say we did, though I would like the first point to stand as the only one that matters.”

“Competitive much?”

“It’s how I’ve survived for so long. That, and being immortal.”

“Was that a joke, my dear Princess? How remarkable!”

“When you say things with no inflection to your voice, you come off as snide. I’m sure that was not your intention.”

“Nope, I was going for sarcastic.”

“Sarcasm is permitted. You may proceed.”

I looked around from my prone position. “Proceed where? I’m good right here.”

“I’m going to leave before I strangle you. Have a good night, Maximus.”

“Good night, Princess. I’ll see you in my dreams.” I said with a goofy smile.

“I have yet to find your dreams, though I suppose I could look again tonight. What do your dreams consist of?”

“Mostly just night terrors.” I shrugged. “Nothing cool.”

“...Are you saying that you experience night terrors every night?” Luna asked slowly.

“Yeah, unless I have company. If I’m sleeping with someone, then I don’t dream at all.”

“I know where your dreams are. This beast we will slay tonight!” Luna reached for a sword that wasn’t on her hip and she sighed. “I miss the times where carrying a sword was considered commonplace. Celestia returned my blade and shield to me, but they are mere decorations of former glory now.”

“Very sad. Such pain. Much depress. Wow.”

“Those were not even complete sentences.”

“They express how I feel perfectly. I’ve been told that I need to speak less by too many people.”

“That is a feeble excuse. Come up with a better one.”

I spread my hands. “I dream of meme?”

“What?”

“Never mind, So I’ll literally see you in my dreams tonight?”

“You will. Once you are asleep, we will assault the dream beast that has been plaguing you.”

“How do you know what’s been fucking my dreams up, but haven’t done anything about it?” I asked.

“...We may have avoided the issue, but that was only because I hadn’t identified who the dream belonged to. If I had known it was you, I would have resolved the issue with Celestia some time ago.”

“Eh, I’ll take it for now. If you don’t mind, I was half asleep when you came in.”

“There are few who would attempt to dismiss a princess.”

“Count me among their numbers, in that case.”

She scoffed and rudely teleported out, though I was just happy that I could go back to doing nothing. I was very fond of doing nothing after spending so much time doing things. I rolled over to lay on my side and eventually got back to sleep, but when it wasn’t exactly sleep. Luna, true to her word, met me in my dreams, a dark greyish void that stretched onward in all directions, though there were a few lights in the distance. They were barely twinkles in the dreamscape, and if my current situation was anything to go by, then they were also floating out here in the void.

It didn’t feel like flying as much as being levitated by some unknown source, evidenced by the fact that I couldn't send myself spinning in circles no matter how hard I tried. Eventually, however, Luna got tired of putting up with my bullshit, so she used some of her magic to bring me to her side, putting the kibosh on my fun. I glared at her while she was pulling me in, but it didn’t convince her to let me go, so I gave up when she started glaring back since I knew I wouldn’t win.

Luna tapped my shoulder once I was done mock pouting. “Are you ready for this, Maximus? This beast will be unlike anything you’ve ever seen, and it will be a nightmare of your own creation, your own worst fears personified!” She boomed ominously.

I materialized a Gauss Rifle from the abyss. “Dream rules?”

“...Yes?”

“Fucking awesome. Let’s go kill something, yeah?”

“You are far too gung ho about this. The nightmare beast will be a terrifying creature-”

“Wrought from my own imagination, tempered by my fears, right? I may be inexperienced in this field, but I’ve read about similar situations pretty often, and the best option seems to be to fill yourself with as much bravado as possible beforehand, have a breakdown or something once you see the monster, then eventually overcome it and win the night. It’s some textbook shit.”

“There are no textbooks on this subject. The only pony who has any vested interest in dreams is me, to my knowledge, and thus I am the only pony who polices and regulates dreams.”

I rubbed my beard. “What about your thousand year absence? Who did your job then?”

“Nopony. Ponies did not dream while I was gone.”

“That’s kinda weird, coming from my perspective. Every human dreamed, though some did it more than others. It really just depended on the person.”

“An interesting tidbit, but it is not our focus. Are you prepared, Maximus?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be, Lulu.”

She opened her mouth to respond, but it clicked shut a moment later and Luna shook her head, dismissing what I’d said. Lifting her hand, it felt as if the void shifted around us and we appeared beside a swirling black vortex. It was a study in edgy bullshit, swirling swords and dancing wolves dotting the surface in plumes and puffs of smoke, all beginning from the bottom, though they never quite reached the top of the massive cyclone. I looked at it with distinct disinterest, and Luna looked at me with a brow raised.

“Do you not find it impressive?” She asked.

“No, not really. It’s a little on the generic side, iddnit?” I deadpanned.

“If one can call this monstrosity generic, then they may call a fully grown dragon a newt.”

“Fucking newts better stay out of the garden I’m eventually going to make.” I commented flippantly before approaching the silent black tornado.

“Be careful! If you draw too close, you will be sucked into the dream!” Luna said critically.

I paused and looked at her. “If we’re not taking it down from the inside, how are am I going to be facing my fears?”

“...You’re too smart for your own good sometimes.” Luna said before she joined me. She grabbed my arm and lead me into the vortex.

Once we were inside, my mind became foggy, but once Luna shook me, my head cleared and I was able to make sense of what I was seeing. I looked around quickly and absorbed the scene. We were in the old cop shop from Wiltshire, standing in the entrance of the run down building. It wasn’t a place I had may fond memories of, mostly due to the nature of my visits. From thirteen until just before my arrival in Equestria, I only made an appearance at the Wiltshire four times, but that was one too many in my book. Seeing the place again did not bring any joy to me, and I knew exactly why we were here in particular. I was hoping that I could avoid dealing with the trauma inflicted here, but it seemed like I was going to have to face this demon.

I walked around and inspected some of the desks, but all the papers and computers were blurry, as if my mind didn’t believe the details were important. Upon leaving the desks to wander around some more, Luna got my attention and called me back to her side.

“What is this place?” She asked, rubbing her arms.

“It’s a cop shop, a police station. It’s the one from my home town.”

“I’m sure you’ve seen it many times.” Luna said drily.

“I’ve seen the inside a few times, but I’ve never had a charge stick.” I replied proudly. “In any case, is the cause of my nightmares going to come to us, or are we going to have to find it?”

“The cause originated here? I thought it was your actions in Gryphonia that weighed on your mind.”

“It’s a few things from my childhood, what happened here, and the happenings in Gryphonia. If my guess is worth anything, I’d say we’re in for a doozy.”

Luna groaned and rubbed her temples. “So it’s an amalgamation of your most unholy fears?”

“If my guess is worth anything.” I repeated. “We could be dealing with some unexpressed fear of ponies or something.”

“Why would you fear ponies?”

“Pinkie Pie, Twilight, Applejack.”

“Are those not your friends?”

“They are, but Pinkie is insane and magical, Twilight is too strong for her own good, and Applejack broke me, so I think they’ve given me plenty of reason to be wary of ponies.”

“Why are you friends with them again?”

“Something something powerful friends.”

“Did you just say ‘something something’?” She asked incredulously.

“No, I said something else, you just ignored it. Don’t expect me to repeat myself if you’re not going to listen anyways.” I huffed.

Luna gave me an odd look before turning her gaze to the ceiling. “I’m going to be sure to watch as Celestia ‘rips you a new one’” She said, adding air quotes.

“Thank you for that. You know, maybe if you could properly kill someone, I wouldn’t be in deep shit with her.”

Luna flushed bright red and her chest heaved. “I am out of practice, and that is the only reason you surpassed me! In my prime, I would have completed the mission flawlessly, but my blade has dulled in my time on the moon.”

“I hear plenty of excuses.” I replied musically.

“You will hear your demise if you continue you insolence!”

“Oh, I’m sorry Elfriede, I didn’t mean to offend.”

Luna was in my face my face in less than a second. “Thou seem to believe we are joking.”

I booped her nose. “You’re the cutest thing when you pretend to be upset.”

She swatted my hand away. “How did you know I was faking?”

“Because I know you feel guilty about making me do your dirty work. It was written all over your face when you came in earlier. Oh yeah, don’t just teleport into my house, by the way. That shit’s rude.”

Luna rolled her eyes. “Your house is Royal Property, I can do as I please on it.”

“Yup, I’m having another house built. Definitely having another house built.”

“It will matter little. Wherever my sister is welcome, so am I.” She scoffed. “It is the way it has always been.”

“I’ll kick your blue ass out whenever I feel like it, and don’t you think I won’t. You might be a princess, but you’re not my princess.”

“Actually, since you’re a Royal Operative who is currently in a relationship with my sister, Celestia and I decided that I would have the final say in matters regarding you.” Luna gave me a disturbing smile.

“...You didn’t think that was important enough to mention earlier?”

Her smile grew. “Does it fill you with despair?”

I shrugged. “A moderate amount.”

“That will do. Since I am not emotionally invested in you-”

“You’re in charge, I get it. Doesn’t mean I don’t have to listen to Celestia anyway.”

“Exactly.” Thundering steps sounded from down a hall. “I believe your nightmare is approaching."

I concentrated and a feather light Gravity Hammer appeared in my hands and Nanotech armor covered me. “Let’s see how this goes.”

Seconds later, the combined causes of my nightmares in physical form appeared, grotesque and malformed. It was a lumbering mass of limbs, solidified blood, and oddly enough, sets of varied genitalia. I understood why they were there, but it wasn’t something that I really wanted to think about, so I rushed in with my Gravity Hammer and struck first, blowing a medium sized hole in the abomination.

As my luck would have it, the creature reformed quickly and swung at me while I was still in the air. I couldn’t think of a solution to that problem fast enough and ended up halfway buried in a wall, most likely only alive because of the Nanotech armor. After a few moments of being dazed, I pulled myself from the crater I had formed and dropped onto the ground, more irritated than injured. I looked around and tried to spot the wanker that put me in there and saw it shambling after an agile Luna who was blasting it with a variety of magic ranging from gouts of flame to arrows of darkness. Nothing seemed to phase it for long, and it regenerated almost instantaneously after being injured.

Foregoing the gravity hammer, I decided that I would use the weapons that suited me best in the waking world. I drew my dirk and the Warbling blade, lunging a considerable distance toward the monster, aided by the suit I was wearing. I slammed both of my blades into its back and stabbed it repeatedly, my arms a flurry of motion. Only the wounds from the Warbling blade had any effect, causing the abomination to scream as if it was being burned.

I hopped off its back before it could throw me and began running a circle around it, dodging Luna’s artillery while keeping the creature’s attention. We were working like a well oiled machine with Luna distracting it long enough for me to go in and chippy away at it. Soon enough, the abomination was covered in dozens of gashes and was slowing down bit by bit. Luna and I were unwilling to try and tackle it alone, however, since the creature was still plenty strong.

I had been running around for sometime now and was tiring of the chase, so I put my imagination to work and conjured up a crossbow of sorts, but for knives. I remembered seeing the concept on Youtube at some point, and let’s face it, it’s retarded as fuck, but it worked. After I fleshed it out in my mind, I was holding a crossbow that I could load the Warbling Blade into. Once I got a decent distance away and Luna had it's attention, I aimed down the crude sights and fired off a shot. I wasn’t expecting any sort of kick, but dear God was the thing brutal. My first shot went far to the left and the Warbling blade slammed into a desk. I imagined that it was back in my hand and so it was. I took a moment to reload the crossbow and run to a new position, and from there, I lined up another shot but aimed much lower this time in anticipation of the kick. My shot was decent and landed the blade deep in the creature’s stomach, causing it to spill more of it's black, inhuman, boiling blood. The sight of it felt like a good thing, but I wasn’t entirely sure whenever the smell wafted towards me. It smelled sweet and cloying like poison, and a mere whiff of it induced lightheadedness.

After repositioning myself, I cleared my head and cast a quick glance around, looking for Luna. I didn’t see her anywhere near the monster, so I took aim once more and adjusted my shot, hitting the creature in the chest this time. My aim was slowly getting better, and luckily my shots were infrequent enough compared to Luna’s onslaught that none of the abomination’s focus was on me, despite the fact that I was causing more lasting damage.

I took a moment to think and came up with a better idea; instead of using the same blade, why not just conjure up more? I loaded up the original and fired it once more, landing a hit in the mound of fetid flesh that was the creature’s neck. I tried to copy the blade, and as well as I knew it, I couldn’t create another. It seemed as though there was only meant to be one at a time, so I summoned it back to me and tried altering it in a different way. I closed my eyes for a brief second and imagined that both my crossbow and the knife were larger by a decent margin. When I opened my eyes, the crossbow was larger, but the knife had only grow a little. I focused again on the Warbling blade, and this time, it doubled in size. With a smile, I loaded it into the crossbow, lined up the sights on center mass while Luna stunned the creature with a flash of lightning and let it fly. Miraculously, the creature jerked back from Luna’s bolt directly into the path of the knife, causing it to slam into it's head. The increased size and weight of the knife had done it’s damage, but the creature was still standing. I reclaimed the knife once more, but hesitated to fire again. The creature may have been on its feet, but it was moving as if it’s nerves were twitching, in the midst of it’s death gentle death throes.

Then all hell broke loose.

The monster split in half at the waist, each part forming itself into a humanoid torso all it's own. The beast wailed a terrible song that grated on my ears, but with the addition of some plugs, I was good to go, however, Luna seemed to be having trouble with the sound, so I conjured up a set of earmuffs and threw them to her. Once she got them on, Luna continued striking with her magic and I spawned a grenade launcher that I’d seen in some game before. I had no idea how to operate it either than pointing and shooting, but that was enough to get results. I rained grenades onto the monster and Luna began throwing massive bolts of a starry blue energy that imploded wherever they struck, taking pieces of the creature along with it. Our strategy seemed to be working for a while, but I quickly ran out of ammo and Luna ceased her own assault to survey the damage we had caused.

Whatever it had lost, it grew back, and soon the creature was whole again. I had a good look at it from where I was standing and the shapes the torsos had taken was enough to fill me with a deep seated rage. The abomination had the stones to use my parents as it’s templates. I wanted to do nothing more than to get this over with, so I imagined a ballista and increased the Warbling Blade’s size to match. Luna began anew, firing off jets of freezing magic to keep the creature in place while I prepared to end it.

I loaded up the ballista with some handy telekinesis and aimed the unwieldy weapon at the enemy. I wished for a second that I could have come up with some well timed one liner to go along with the final blow, but I would be happy enough to have a good night’s rest. With the pull of a lever, I launched the oversized knife at the creature and bisected it diagonally, but I didn’t stop there. I shrunk the Warbling Blade back to double it’s original size and hefted the enlarged crossbow, loading the blade into it before firing at the head of one of the creature’s torsos. I reloaded and repeated the process with the other torso and the creature finally ceased moving, not even gently twitching as it had before. I approached it cautiously and Luna joined me. I summoned the Warbling Blade back into my hand and we gazed upon the great corpse.

“...Do you think it’s dead?” I asked carefully.

“I sense no movement from it. It is dead, Maximus.” Luna turned to me the corners of her mouth lifted slightly. “Congratulat-”

The station exploded in a cloud of yellow and white.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

After spinning for what felt like hours in the grey void that was the dreamspace, I came to a stop after Luna grabbed my arm. If it had been physically possible, I would have been spewing my lunch in every direction, but since I had no corporeal form, my stomach was forced to keep its contents. Once I was none too gently brought to a halt, I held my head for a few minutes and focused on gaining my bearings, but Luna was busy talking.

“As I was saying, congratulations. Don’t be alarmed, that is just how dreams end sometimes.”

“Yeah, I know. Why the hell was I sent spinning?”

“Dreams. Ending. That’s how they do that.”

“You’re a proper twat sometimes, you know that?”

Luna scoffed. “I assume that’s an insult, but since I don’t understand it, does it really matter?”

“Nice try, twat.”

She rolled her eyes. “Only a fool would insult a princess on a regular basis.”

“Only a fool would be friends with royalty. You guys are some sadistic fuckers, I’ll tell you.”

“There’s no need; I am well aware of this.”

“I told you about the part where Elfriede carved ‘Kingslayer’ into my arm, right?”

She nodded. “That’s what I was referring to.”

“Right. So can we leave now?”

“We can, but you will be awake for the rest of the night. We could talk a while longer. I do consider you a friend, despite how infuriating you tend to be.”

“Aww, thanks jelly bean, I heart you too.”

“I have no idea what that means.” Luna said, her head cocked to the side.

From there, we really did just talk for a few hours. Apparently Luna could split her consciousness into multiple fragments, so she could spend her entire night in the dreamscape, which lead to her showing me some of her interesting culinary creations. If she had tasted it once, she could recall it with perfect clarity, and I tried to emulate her skill so we could have a cultural exchange of sorts. Luna brought various elegant dishes to the table, though they were all vegetarian. There was nothing I could really think of that was suitable for an herbivore from my world that they didn’t already have, so I tried bringing in various different candies that I had loved for years. Luna was a bigger fan of the Mars bar that I had given her than the Charms, so I tried to come up with every chocolate I could remember and from there, the memory filled in the blanks on the flavor.

After hours of trying to rot each other’s teeth with increasingly random candy combinations, Luna told me that the Sun was due to rise in a few minutes and that our fun was up. I offered to spend more nights with her if they involved the dream realm, and she told me that she would think about having me help her police dreams since she was sure that I would perform the task well. That, and I’m sure Luna just wanted to see how I’d warp someone’s dream if I had the chance. Either way, I was going to have something to do during my sleepless nights at least.

I sat up on my couch and rubbed my eyes. It felt like I hadn’t slept at all, and since I technically hadn’t, there was precious little I could do about it unless I wanted to give up on doing anything today. After some debate, I heaved my arse off of the couch and got my morning routine done before heading out onto my back porch. I found the scorched circle of stones I was looking for and used my telekinesis to dig around the area, and underneath the sodden ash and dirt was a leg of something that I had killed. I had forgotten about it in my haste to leave and hated that so much meat had gone to waste, but I shrugged off the loss with a sigh and went back inside. The worms would have to owe me for such a wonderful meal.

There was nothing I really felt like doing and no one I wanted to be bothered with at the moment, so I shipped Lupa off to Fluttershy’s for the day, strapped my knives into their respective places and wrote multiple short notes to the girls telling them that I was heading to Canterlot for a little bit and not to miss me. I figured that dealing with Celestia now rather than later was my best bet, and since I was already prepared for the worst, there was little else for me to do. I’d already bought a ticket at the train station and boarded it before noon, so I had enough time to do things before seeing Celestia.

The train ride to Canterlot was nothing special, and I’d already been to Canterlot before, so I wasn’t exactly filled with awe from being there again. I meandered through the streets after leaving the station and eventually found the Canterlot Crown Confectionery. I knew that I was going to have to do some ass kissing, and I thought that some chocolate and flowers would help with that process, so I found a florist soon after and started making my way to the castle to see my pissed lover.

About halfway there, I suddenly didn’t feel like getting chewed out for doing something good, so I ducked into a little cabaret that was open way too early and had a seat in one of the empty booths. A pretty waitress took my meager order of some cabbage rolls and some scotch and I may have let my eyes wander as she walked away. I wondered if I could pick her up while I waited for my drink, but I was soon distracted by the addition of some afternoon entertainment. With concerns about what kind of musician gets hammered enough to play so early, I watched on with mild intrigue as a grey mare with a brunette mane took the stage alongside a brown stallion with a darker brown mane. They held a cello and a bass respectively and I wondered what the hell they were going to do with them up until the point they started playing. I found it to be an enjoyable piece due to the cello more so than the bass, but it didn’t hurt that they made decent harmony in any case. The woman on the cello held the song together while the bassist floundered from time to time, but again, I wasn’t expecting much from the afternoon staff.

The cute waitress came back with my shit, but instead of getting scotch, the woman had given me butterscotch. I let her know that I wanted liquor, not sweets, and she quickly rectified the miscommunication by bringing me a tumbler with three cubes of ice and a bottle of something that looked expensive. While I had her around, I paid for everything I had ordered and gave her a very generous tip to go and get me a bag of some sort so I wouldn’t have to carry around a bottle of brown. She was happy to help me in my endeavor and returned with a book bag of some sort about fifteen minutes later. Shrugging, I put my liquor in the bag with the chocolates I had gotten Celestia, but kept the flowers in hand.

After I thanked the waitress for her help and service, I left the cabaret and went to go face the music.

Chapter Twenty-Three: Put On The Red Light
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Twenty-Three: Put On The Red Light

Chapter Twenty-Three: Put On The Red Light

As I ignored glares and stares while walking through Canterlot, I couldn’t help but wonder who the grey mare manning the cello had been. I wasn’t exactly obsessed or even terribly enamored, but I was curious as to just who could work an instrument like she could. With the musical number the mystery mare had played earlier dancing through my head, I made my way to the castle.

The walk itself was uneventful, though my reception at the castle was new. Instead of waylaying me at the gate, the Day Guards on duty allowed me to pass with no kerfuffle, and I was extremely grateful for that. I pondered the change in attitude and came up with two possible solutions: Celestia had let the guard know to keep an eye out for me, or the fame that Luna had mentioned was bearing fruit. Either way, I was happy to not have to deal with guards being pricks.

Getting into Day Court to see Celestia was also a breeze. I didn’t have to sign more than a couple papers before I was in front of the woman herself, though once I came in, she ordered the staff in the room to go elsewhere for a moment. That was a worrisome thing. Once we were alone, Celestia stepped down from her throne and approached me, taking her time. By the time she came to a stop, I had the flowers in one hand and the chocolate in the other.

“Hullo, hun-” I started casually.

“No.” Celestia interrupted. “Just no.”

I pursed my lips and wiggled the flowers. “These are awfully heavy. You wouldn’t mind-” They were immediately incinerated. “I suppose that solves that.” I dropped the burnt remnants..

“I told you explicitly to not go to Gryphonia.” Celestia said in a low voice.

“You did.”

“Yes, I did. And yet, you’ve gone to Gryphonia after I made it ever so clear that I did not want you in Gryphonia.”

“I sure did, Celestia.”

“...What is wrong with you!?” She asked, taking handfuls of her hair. “I try to keep you safe, to let you lead a boring, normal life, and you freaking jump at the opportunity to throw yourself into harm’s way! It’s like you have a death wish or something, and don’t even get me started on how reckless, foolhardy, and stupid you were to even go back to Gryphonia!”

I shrugged. “It was for the good of your people and for you. It was worth it.”

Celestia drew breath and prepared to do some more yelling, but the abrupt arrival of Luna gave her a moment’s pause. I waved at her and she conjured up a bucket of popcorn and a seat before sitting back to enjoy the show like she said she was going to. Fucking bitch.

“Max. Why must you defy me?” Celestia asked. “All I want is for you to be safe and happy-”

“Hold on. When we first began this, you said that you would allow me my freedom, did you not?” She took a second to think before nodding. “And that freedom means that I won’t always do as you ask. I was the only person left who could do the mission, and I saved lives because of it. Be happy about your subjects surviving to see another day, and stop focusing on what’s making you upset. It won’t get you anywhere and, quite frankly, it’s not going to phase me, so save your breath.”

Celestia’s sizable chest heaved for a few more moments before she huffed and turned away from me. “Did you think I didn’t know any of that? Let a mare be mad, will you?”

“Not when I feel like our relationship is in danger, though I’m guessing we’re okay since Luna’s here.” I glanced over to the blue sister and saw that she was still there. She waved with a piece of popcorn between her fingers.

“We are, I just needed to vent some frustrations.” Celestia turned back to me. “I thought you would have fought back with more yelling, though. Perhaps we might find some cathartic release in words we didn’t know needed to be said?”

“Yeah, I don’t think I have any of that in me, I’m kinda tired.” I shrugged. “Never thought I would hear anyone complain about not arguing, though.”

“Well, when one as certain expectations, they expect them to be filled.” Celestia said, turning her nose up at me. “Forgive a princess for having standards.”

“I’d rather feel up a princess, if you know what I mean. And speaking of doing certain things to royalty, can I fuck Elfriede?”

“...What.” Celestia stared at me.

Luna started giggling her head off.

“Yeah, Elfriede propositioned me after some heavily barbed flirting and I’d like to give her a go. It’s not everyday you get a chance to nail a queen.”

Celestia’s mouth opened a few times, but words didn’t come out. She tried again. “Max, you killed her husband.”

“Something we’re both well aware of. In fact, I think that’s like, half the reason she wants to do it.”

“...Elfriede knows you killed her husband?” It wasn’t really a question.

“Caught me red handed. Literally.”

“What the hay is wrong with both of you?” She asked.

“I’m too sexy and she’s fallen for my charms.” I blew a kiss to Celestia and she grimaced.

“I’m seriously worried about how you seem to treat sovereign rulers with a certain level of nonsense. Any other fool in your position would be dead.” Celestia’s fingers found her temples.

“I’m a one of a kind, baby. What else can I say?”

“You’re a rare nuisance that happens to be exotic and cute.” She smirked. “Maybe you’re just lucky?”

“I think you’re luckier than I am. You have me in your life, but I’m burdened with being as great as I am. It’s not fair!”

Celestia rolled her eyes and Luna barked out a laugh. “You’re also funny, I’ll give you that. Getting down to business, now.” Her posture turned serious. “What are we going to do about your punishment? Something has to be done for you ignoring a direct order.”

I rolled up my sleeve and showed her the letters that were engraved in my flesh. “Way ahead of you, hun.”

“...I forgot the Gryphons practiced such a brutal method of bequeathing titles.”

“And I didn’t know in the first place, so lucky me. I think this was punishment enough.”

“It’s hard to argue with that. I remember the process all too well.” She shuddered. “It was not pleasant.”

“You’ve been carved up too?” I asked.

“Both of us have.” Luna chimed in through a mouthful of popcorn. “it was a part of becoming nobility a few thousand years ago.” She made a contented sigh and I felt no small amount of respect for both of them.

“I’m glad you stopped that barbaric bullshit then. Seriously, why would you trace the same wound multiple times, if for no other purpose than to cause excessive pain?”

Celestia traded a look with Luna. “That’s the point.” They chorused.

“Sick fucks, the lot of you.” I huffed.

Celestia rolled her eyes again and strolled up to face me. “You say that, but you’re all too happy to get in the thick of the sickness.”

“I think it's just that bad things are always the things that feel best. Remember when you sucked Fluttershy’s cum off my di-”

Celestia smacked my arm as a blush quickly spread across her face. “Max!”

Luna sniggered in the background and I gave Celestia my best shit eating grin. “Spank me, mommy. I’ve been such a bad boy.”

Her face fell flat, her horn glowed, and I was suddenly two feet off of the ground. “There’s nopony in here besides you, Luna, and myself.” I felt her magic drag me along as she walked back to her throne.

“Hey now, no need to do anything hasty! I was kidding!” I said quickly.

“Nope. You asked me to spank you, so here it goes.” Celestia sat down and floated me onto her lap. “Are you ready to receive your punishment, you naughty little colt?”

“Wait! I have a question!” I shouted.

Celestia’s hand went to her chin. “I suppose you may ask it.”

“If we’re going to do weird, kinky shit in front of Luna, does that mean she’s open to a threesome?”

Her hand came down with a resounding slap and I got a case of the giggles. Her hand came down again, harder this time, and my giggle fit only intensified. The ludicrous nature of the situation was not lost on me, though I believe Luna was just enjoying the sight of me being hit. Celestia’s spanks got more intense as she went along until the point where I just looked back at her and gave her a goofy smile. My arse was aching something fierce, but I was too busy laughing my bloody head off to care.Celestia dispelled her magic and let me up, so I sat her in lap and the pain in my cheeks flared up upon contact. After riding out the last of my chuckles on Celestia’s lap, I laid my head on her shoulder and sighed.

“That was fucking retarded.” I said once I had caught my breath.

“Why were you laughing?” Celestia asked.

“Because it was fucking retarded. Next time, I’m spanking you.”

“At least I know how to enjoy a spanking.” Celestia muttered darkly. “Not even half mast.”

“Don’t feel bad, hun, spanking just isn’t my thing. I’m sure we’ll find some outlet for your dom tendencies, just not in me.”

Celestia gave me a sly smile. “You know, I have a few toys you might like to try. If you’re ever feeling adventurous, that is.”

“Sleep soundly knowing that the only time I ever want toys to be involved is when they’re being used on you.”

“Are you sure? I think you could have some fun if you learned to relax.” Celestia said with a bright smile. “Maybe you just need some time to come around to my way of thinking.”

That sounded ominous. “Yeah, don’t get your hopes up. I don’t want to be penetrated, like, at all.”

Celestia patted my thigh. “That’s what you think now. Give it a week.”

I gave Celestia an odd look, but the mischievous smile on her face didn’t go anywhere. As I was getting up, she held me in her lap and kissed my face over and over again. I just continued looking at her as she peppered my visage with pecks, confused as Hell. When she finally stopped, she still had a devious look about her, but I couldn’t possibly imagine what she was planning.

“Alright, you abused me, and now you’re showering me with affection. What’s going on?”

She levitated me into her arms and stood. “Nothing much, we’re just going to take the day off.” Celestia smiled brilliantly. “I’ve found the perfect way to punish you, and I just know you’re going to love it!”

I shrugged and chilled out in her arms. There was no point in dreading any extra bullshit, so I may as well go along with it. “Is Luna joining us?”

“No she is not. Luna,” She turned us to face her sister, “is going to keep things under control while we have our fun. Consider it payment for the show.”

Luna nodded and rose from her conjured seat, stretching. “T’is a fine compromise. Have at thee, you two.”

Celestia’s smile returned and she carried me through a secret tunnel that I probably shouldn’t write down. In any case, it was a comfortable ride and it passed all too quickly for my tastes. She was nice, warm and soft, so I was enjoying my time in her embrace, and despite the emasculating nature of being carried, I found that I didn’t give a single fuck. Celestia could do nearly anything she wanted with me, barring the obvious.

Once we were in her personal chambers, Celestia set me down on her bed and let the guards outside of her door know that she did not want to be bothered, save for an event that needed her attention, like the city burning down or the moon falling to Equus. After she was certain that we wouldn’t be interrupted, Celestia returned to her bed and approached me in a way that made me get my hopes up.

I leaned forward and watched Celestia draw closer, my heart picking up its pace. She finally came to me and set her hands on either side of me before she leaned forward and met my lips with her own. We took our time with our kiss because, well, we had the whole day to do whatever needed to be done.

Celestia pulled back before I could get my fill of her luscious lips and gave me the same devious look she’d had since we were in Day Court. “You know, I don’t even care about the rumors that are going to circulate because of this. I just can’t wait until we get to the main event” She said giddily.

“With all this build up, I’m wondering just what you have in mind.” I said with a frown.

“Oh, you’ll love it! It’ll be a new experience for both of us! Well, more for you than for me, but you’ll like it once you give it a chance.”

“...I’m not doing anal.”

“Stop being silly. I never said that we were going to.” Celestia leaned in for another kiss that I was happy enough to give her.

After starting innocently enough, we began to explore the familiar territory of each other’s bodies like we had done in the past, but this time, I felt a strange sense of elation from the prospect of trying something that was new to a three thousand year old princess. As I cupped my hand around one of Celestia’s bountiful breasts, she pulled away from me once more and gave me a naughty smile.

“Are you ready for your ‘punishment’?” Celestia asked with a husky voice.

“I’m as ready as I’ll ever be, hun. Lay it on me.”

Her smile only widened, and as her horn began to glow brightly, the anticipation worked its way into my chest and my heart beat a little faster. When Celestia’s horn became too bright, I had to close my eyes and look away, but as I did so, I noticed certain changes in the way I felt. My chest felt somehow heavier, and the raging erection I’d had felt as though it were disappearing from the tip. The T-shirt I was wearing had suddenly become uncomfortably tight, and my pants were far too loose. I sat still and opened my eyes to find Celestia staring at me with an appraising look.

“Wow.” She said elegantly.

“What? Is there something on my face?” I asked, my voice higher than it had been. I reached up to feel my jaw and noticed that my hands were actually a little cold, something that hadn't happened since I had grown my beard.

“No, there’s nothing on your face, dear. I’m just… Wow. I didn’t think you would look like this.” She spread her hands and I looked down.

I had me some boobs.

“...You turned me into a woman?”

“Surprise!” She exclaimed happily.

“Surprise is right.” I stood up and my trousers immediately fell off, leaving me in my boxers with a shirt that would be much better off. “Do you have a mirror in here?”

Celestia shook her head to clear it and joined me. “Right this way.”

I stepped out of my fallen trousers and took the time to run my hands over my new assets. The breasts that I now possessed were nice and perky, a little more than a handful I couldn’t accurately gauge my cup size since my hands were smaller than they had been, but I was happy to know that if I ever needed to change my identity, that I could do it in the shape of something with a nice rack. My hands wandered back to my rear and I didn’t notice much of a change, though from Celestia’s lustful gaze, I hoped that I had a bit of arse to back up what I had up front. Celestia brought me over to the mirror and stood aside as I gazed upon myself.

I let my eyes meander over my features, thinking that female me was actually kinda meh. I mean, I had a nice body, but my face could use some work. I stood and watched my face shift through different emotions, though I found that they were severely muted from what I expected them. I shrugged it off and looked to Celestia who had been eying my bottom with some fervor.

“Take a picture, hun, it’ll last longer.” I said sarcastically.

Celestia just smiled and continued looking at my arse. “If you could get your hands on a camera in the next five minutes, I would be ecstatic.”

I rolled my eyes and walked over to the door to the hall. After opening it (of course), I peered outside and caught the attention of one of the fellows standing watch.

“Oi! Mate, can you get me a camera? The Princess wants to play dress up and take some commemorative photos.” I asked politely.

The guy nearest to the door looked at his other squadmates and scratched at his helmet for some reason. “Uh… Yes?” He said awkwardly. “Yes. Yes I can. I’ll have it for you in a moment, ma’am!” He finished strong, at least.

I shut the door and walked back to Celestia who had taken up a spot on her bed. When I got within a few steps, she patted a space next to her and offered me a brilliant smile.

“So how are you liking it so far?” She asked.

“Well, I miss the bass in my voice and the thing between my legs, but so far, it's not terrible. I’ll be happy when I get my dick back, though.”

Her face fell slightly. “You’re not enjoying yourself?”

“I am, but I think we could have more fun if we picked up where we left off.” I gave her a dirty grin and started kissing her neck.

Celestia cooed and pushed me away. “We have all day to do that! Why don’t we have a different kind of fun first?” She asked innocently.

“Depends on what kind of fun.” I responded evenly.

“Well…” She began with a grin.

Minutes later, Celestia had a camera and I was in a frilly dress with my makeup done. She had allowed me to look in the mirror while she was working her magic, and I must say: I would fuck the shit out of me. Dick in ass, balls to the walls, masturbation/sex paradox solved. I may have twirled a little more than necessary, but Celestia’s smile made the immeasurable amounts of humiliation worth every second. That smile had me in a lot of ridiculous outfits and many pictures were taken, though I can’t say I cared too much. I was having fun spending the day doing something unexpected and that was all that mattered.

After a few hours of Celestia and I dressing up in most of her and Luna’s wardrobe, we settled on our birthday suits, though Celestia had broken into her stock of lingerie and brought out her favourite piece to reward me for my patience. She tried to coax me into a set that just ‘worked so well with my mane!’, but I shot her down multiple times, stating that while I was willing to play dress up with her, that did not mean that I was quite ready for livery. She sighed and floated the set of lacy bullshit back to its original location and we cuddled on the bed.

I had been aroused for most of the time we’d spent together, and the feeling hadn’t dissipated at all throughout Celestia’s little session. From the look she was giving me, she was ready for some attention herself. Without waiting for an invitation, I picked up where I had left off and straddled Celestia before I peppered her neck with light kisses.

(Ctrl+F [-FTS-] Scene is Over to Skip.)

She purred her approval and her hands wandered over my physique, stopping at my new breasts whenever she felt like it. I pulled away for a moment and pressed her hands against my chest, reveling in the electrifying feeling that her ministrations were giving me. Being a woman was an entirely different experience and I was soaking up every second of the pleasure, enjoying every moment as much as I could. Sadly, I couldn’t enjoy it all that much, but it was still nice.

After working my way up Celestia’s neck, across her cheek and back to her mouth, I cupped her breasts in my hands and gently rolled the tips of her pert breasts between my fingers. Her own hands mimicked mine, applying the same amount of pressure, so I toyed with her for a bit to see what I liked, though I may have forgotten to take care of her in those moments. With my mind back on track, I pulled Celestia’s hands away and sat back on her hips.

“Done already?” She asked coyly.

“Of course not. I just want to take it slow.”

“We’ve had hours of foreplay. If you don’t stop wagging that tongue, I’ll be happy to find another use for it.”

I rolled my eyes and got off of her, repositioning myself so that I was in front of her. “Your use for it is going to be the same as mine. The only difference is that I can use it better.”

Celestia grinned and spread her legs for me. “Prove it, tough girl.”

I planned on it. I began with my usual teasing, but this time, since Celestia had both challenged and tortured me, I was going to make her suffer. I flicked my lips around the folds of her moist sex, savoring her vanilla flavor. It took some amount of self control not to give her my best, then and there, just so I could keep tasting her, but I was on a mission.

I had Celestia moaning in minutes, though I was careful to watch for any twitches or sudden movement on her part, pulling away when her movements got frantic. I leisurely rolled my tongue across her clitoris and played with her entrance using my fingertip as she begged me to let her get off. With our eyes locked, I gave Celestia one long, slow lick and she moaned in agonizing bliss, though I still didn’t give her the final push. No, I waited until I could form my telekinesis into a smallish cylinder with a curve to it and aimed lower for my next lick. Celestia’s half lidded eyes shot open and just as she was opening her mouth to express some of her surprise, I gingerly pressed my intangible member into her arse while trying to continue performing with my tongue. I managed it, but just barely. The writhing form of Celestia filled me with pride, her orgasm bringing itself to its pinnacle.

I continued lapping up Celestia’s juices throughout her climax, which only brought a few smaller ones to head. By now I was ready for my turn, though I had been busy while I had been working on Celestia. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the skill required to get myself off, so I was stuck with just gently rubbing my own pussy.

God, that sounds weird.

Celestia laid back on the bed, so I crawled next to her and entertained myself for a little bit while she regained her breath until I realized that I could be doing something far more interesting. Without further ado, I swung a leg over Celestia’s head and bared my dripping sex to her as I began anew with hers. I had never sixty nined with someone, so I was mostly just doing some guess work, but from the ferocity of Celestia’s assault on me, my guess was that I wasn’t exactly doing a poor job.

It was only a few minuted before an odd feeling began to wash over me, beginning from somewhere around my naval, spreading to the tips of my fingers and toes. It was like being satisfied on a full body scale, so I assumed that I’d just had my first orgasm as a woman under Celestia’s care. Using her magic, Celestia lifted me off of her and positioned herself between my legs.

“You know, it’s only fair if I do it for you too.” Celestia said with a cheeky smile.

“Then go for it. There is nothing on this planet that would make me stop you right now.” I said in a tight voice. The small amount of pleasure I’d felt earlier had only whetted my appetite, and I was ready to get the full experience that I had been promised.

Celestia’s smile grew marginally before it disappeared between my thighs. I shuddered at the feeling of her breath against my sensitive flesh, and when her tongue made contact with my lips, another small orgasm overtook me. Celestia wasted no time after that and dipped a finger into me, which was an odd experience. Not unpleasant, just… odd. I didn’t enjoy being penetrated as much as being licked, and thankfully, Celestia picked up on that rather quickly, though I imagine that it added an extra layer of challenge to the act. She began again, using her tongue to tease my entrance while her fingers played at my clit, which was a lot like having a tiny penis that felt much better.

Quickly, I came to the single best climax of my life. Every muscle felt as though pure electricity was pouring through them and the elation that I felt was beautiful, though something even better was that the experience lasted for longer than five seconds. I writhed and wriggled around as I rode through the storm of pleasure that had overtaken me, and I may or may not have kicked Celestia while in the midst of my orgasm. Once I had calmed down enough, I lay twitching on Celestia’s bed and she crawled up next to me.

“How was it?” She whispered softly into my ear.

“Fucking lovely! Simply brilliant!” I sighed contentedly.

“I’m glad to hear that!” Celestia said cheerfully.

“Yeah, if you want to give this another go sometime, I’d be happy to indulge you.” I offered.

“Well, it’s supposed to be a punishment.”

“The dress up bit was pretty grueling if you ask me.”

“I’m not. While I’m glad you enjoyed yourself, I’m sorry to say that we’ve used up all of our time, so I’m going to need to send you home soon.”

I sighed. “Shame, we were having such fun. So do I need to do a dance or something to turn back into a guy or are you just going to magic it?”

“Who ever said I was turning you back?” Celestia said with a sly grin. “I said this was a punishment, didn’t I?” The week thing from earlier? You've gotta be shitting me!

“Wait, hun, no-”

“Ah ah ah! No arguing. You disobeyed me, and there must be consequences.”

“I was under orders from your sister!”

“It’s a shame you found her orders to be more pertinent than mine.”

“I was the only guy who could do the mission! Celestia, this isn’t fair!”

She stuck her tongue out at me. “Life seldom is, dear. I know you’ll make the most of your time, so enjoy yourself!”

“I won't, if anything then just to spite you.”

Celestia rolled her eyes, and with a snap of her fingers, I was in the middle of my living room, stark naked.

(Ctrl+F [-FTS-] Scene is Over to Skip.)

I thoroughly swore at Celestia in a choicely worded letter that, though long, could never hope to express the moderate irritation I was feeling. I was none too happy about being left as a female and I knew that I was going to have to get either Twilight or Luna to turn me back, neither of which sounded terribly likely. It was too late in the night for me to go to Twilight, and Luna probably wouldn’t help me out of some sick pleasure. I didn’t have many options, and due to my lack of interest in being female for longer than a day, just riding out my sentence wasn’t much of a choice anyways. I pondered my current condition, but couldn’t really come up with any manner of solution that would be viable before dawn, so I sighed and hopped in the shower shortly before going to bed, thinking of ways to get revenge on Celestia.

Morning was rough. My lengthened hair was everywhere, my legs were still a bit wobbly and I woke up to the fact that yesterday hadn’t just been some incredibly vivid acid trip, evidenced by my prior complaints. I was in a rather decent mood all things considered, so I tried to keep it that way by looking at the bright side of being female. I couldn’t think of many perks that didn’t involve spending my day with wet hands, so I focused on thinking up something suitable for my torturer and found that while I had ideas in spades, most of them were evil, and not in the fun way. I brushed them off into my mind’s recycling bin for use at a later date against someone I actually felt some aggression toward.

After using more shampoo than I probably should have in the shower, I had a good look at myself in the mirror and started brushing my hair. It took a good while for it to not look like absolute shit and even longer to get it into some manner of tameness, but I had thought of some fun things to do throughout the day during the annoyance, so I could proudly say that I was getting better at multitasking already. None of my usual T-shirts fit me very well, so I sent Celestia a note, bitching about my current options. Within ten minutes, she sent me a week’s worth of outfits that were not at all what I’d had in mind. After having Celestia take them back in favour of not looking like some garish, frilly monstrosity, I considered which of my friends was more likely to help me than to annoy me. I could ask Fluttershy for some assistance, but I needed clothes, and she was closer to Celestia’s build than my own. I’d turned Applejack down when she asked me to help her on the farm, so it felt wrong to ask her. Rarity would want to dress me up like her, so fuck that shit, and Pinkie would annoy the shit out of me so she was out. Rainbow was just too small, so that left me with one real choice: The wizard.

I wrote Twilight a note asking to borrow some clothes from her, and forty two minutes later, she showed up down the road. With a grin, I stepped into my guest room and put on a robe. I was sure let it hang open in manner that I hoped was seductive, and after a brief check in the mirror, I mussed up my hair a bit before I grabbed a snack from the kitchen.

I was munching on an apple when I heard Twilight knock on the door, so I set it down while I got my game face on and prepared to pull out some stops. I strode over to the door and opened it slowly, poking my head out.

“Hello?” I asked innocently.

Twilight’s eyes widened and she stepped back, nearly falling over her suitcase. “Oh!”

I whisked the door open and grabbed her arm to steady her. “Careful there, sweetie!”

Twilight shook her head. “Sorry! I-I was just surprised. I was expecting to see my coltfriend, Max.”

I raised my brow and looked her in the eye. “Coltfriend, huh?”

Twilight’s eyes flickered over my attire. “...Yes?”

I gave her a bright smile. “I knew it!” I forced inflection into my voice. “We didn’t get much of a chance to talk, so I was wondering who he was bringing over.”

Twilight gave me an odd look. “Wait, does that mean he’s not here?”

I bit my lip and looked around. “Well, yeah. I thought he was going out to get you.”

She smiled and shook her head. “You never know with him sometimes. Why don’t we go inside and talk?” She said with a glance to the opening in my robe.

I glanced down and pretended to be surprised. “Oh dear!” I drew the folds together. “Sorry about that, I wasn’t paying attention!”

Twilight patted my shoulder and told me that it happened to her pretty often as well. With the plan completely off the track, I was a little worried about where to go with this. I’d originally wanted to make Twilight jealous by insinuating that I’d had sex with me, but I missed the opportunity to really drive it home, so I would have to slip it in somewhere.

Twilight lead the way inside and started rifling through my shit like she was my girlfriend or something, so I sat down in the living room and tried to make my posture more feminine. After Twilight got the tea set up, she joined me in the living room and started asking questions.

“So how do you know Max?” Twilight asked once she’d settled on my easy chair. I hadn’t sat there myself so that I wouldn’t be associated with my favourite spot.

“Well, I kinda just came running out of the the woods nearby and he helped me out. I still don’t even really know how I got here, to be honest with you.” I said with a wistful chuckle.

Twilight looked surprised. “You came out of the forest? Do you mean the Everfree Forest, or the Whitetail Woods?”

“A bit of both, really. I woke up in the Everfree and ran into the Whitetail Woods. At least, that’s what Max told me when I explained everything. I was wondering how I went from jungle to forest, but when you’re being chased by something straight out of a myth, it’s hard to focus on that.” I smiled knowingly at Twilight.

Twilight’s eyes were wide. “Wait, does that mean you’re a human too?”

I looked down and spread my toes. “It sure looks that way. Max and the tall white woman told me this place is full of Ponies like you and her. That’s correct?”

Twilight blinked a few times before beaming. “You mean Princess Celestia? And yes, that’s true.”

I snapped. “Yeah, that was her name! So, are there any other sentient creatures out here?”

“Well, yes, but I don’t know much about them.” Twilight said sadly.

“That’s too bad.” I sighed.

“I’m sorry I can’t help you there, but I might be able to answer any other questions you might have!”

I thought about that for a moment. “There’s nothing I really want to know, I don’t think. I am curious as to how you met Max, though. He seems like a bit of a prick to be honest with you, and you just seem so nice!”

Twilight’s face fell slightly. “Max is a nice guy, he just hides it when he thinks he’s going to get hurt for being nice.”

I lifted my brows. “Which is all the time?”

“You haven’t known him that long, if I’m not mistaken. He’s changed recently, but before that, he could be one of the most thoughtful stallions. He snuck into my house through the balcony on the second floor to give me some flowers once!” Twilight said in my defense. It was rather heart warming.

I grinned at the memory. “Maybe my first impression was wrong, then. You still haven’t told me how you two met.”

Twilight blushed. “Sorry, I just get sidetracked sometimes!” She tapped her chin. “Max and I met right outside my house. He was being chased down by our friend, Rainbow Dash, and they wound up on my doorstep.” And I wound up with a look up her skirt.

I forced a chuckle. “Are you telling me that you thought he would make a good beaux after he fought one of your friends?”

Twilight frowned. “It was his actions afterwards that made me think better of him. Rainbow was in the wrong and he forgave her without any fuss.”

I narrowed my eyes at her. “So what? If he hits you and apologizes, then it’s fine because he said he was sorry?”

She set her jaw forward. “It does if he means it!”

I gave Twilight a brilliant smile. “You’re such a lovely person, you know that? If all the ponies are like you, then I think I’ll get along quite nicely while I’m here.”

Twilight blinked her surprise. “I- uh… Thank you?”

“You’re welcome, sweetie, but there’s something else I want to ask about.”

“Ask away…” Twilight said nervously.

“What’s your name? I’d be fine with calling you sweetie until the Sun dies, but I’d prefer to know who you are.”

Twilight blushed and sputtered. “M-My name’s Twilight Sparkle! I can’t believe I forgot to tell you, I’m so sorry!”

“Don’t worry about it too much, Twilight,” I said with a reassuring smile, “ I still haven’t told you my name. It’s Roxy, by the way.” Roxanna seems like a nice name.

“Well, it’s very nice to meet you, Roxy.”

After our little introduction, we fell silent for a moment, but I wanted to get clothed. “So what’s in the suitcase? I can’t imagine that you carry it around for fun.”

Twilight’s eyes shot open ass the tea kettle blew its whistle. “I’m sorry! Max must have had me bring these clothes for you!” She slapped the heel of her hand to her forehead.

“It’s fine, sweetie.” I said with a smile. “Can I help you with the tea?”

Twilight didn’t need my help at all, but it sounded like something a woman might offer to do, thus I offered. Pouring tea is not a hard process, and since Twilight was supposed to know my house better than I did at the moment, there was precious little that I could do besides keep the conversation going. While Twilight’s back was turned, I pulled out a note that I had written earlier and dropped it on the floor with a gasp.

“Oh my! How the Hell is this letter not on fire!?” I shouted unnecessarily.

Twilight whipped around to look as I backed away. “Did it come in a gout of flame?”

“Yes!”

“Then it’s Dragon Fire mail. It’s probably for you since it appeared in front of you.”

When I made no motions to approach the letter, Twilight picked it up and tried to hand it to me. After a spot of decent acting, I took it from her and read it aloud.

“Dear Roxanne. I’m sorry that we did not get to speak more while Celestia and I were there, but I have very important matters to attend to that I will keep me away for a week. I know that the shock of being transported to a different world must be falling away to reveal the harsh truth by now, but don’t let it get to you. I never tried to go home, so I don’t know if we can, so let that inspire you. There may be a chance. There is a stash of bits in my shed that you can use to fund yourself while you’re here, and please feel free to use as many as you please. I’ve got the dosh to back it up, so go wild. By the time I’ve gotten a chance to send this, you should be in the company of a certain Twilight Sparkle, one of my girlfriends. Yes, I have multiple, ask Twilight to clarify. If there is anything you need, and you don’t know how to get it, ask Twilight and she should be able to help you.”

I took a moment to sip some piping hot tea.

“Twilight will most likely introduce you to our friends sometime today or tomorrow, so please be receptive. The Ponies in Ponyville aren’t bad people, but they can be a little skittish, and may not understand a lot of what you say. Don’t take anything they do too personally. I don’t know what you’ll spend the next week doing, but please try and think of this place as your home while you’re here. I may have given up on getting back to Earth, but that doesn’t mean you should.”

I blinked a tear from my eye after the last bit. It had taken some doing, but it had the desired effect on Twilight.

“Don’t cry, Roxy!” She said comfortingly. “I-I’m sure we’ll find a way for you to get back home, and Ponyville is a great place to spend your time while you’re away! I’m sure you’ll have fun while you’re here!”

I wiped the tear away. “It’s fine, Twilight. I’ll be fine. Just a little caught up, you know?” I said shakily.

Twilight patted my arm and we took our little party back into the living room. Once we were settled down with our snacks and drinks, Twilight unzipped her suitcase and started pulling out various different items.

“Now, I don’t know if my style is going to fit yours, but I think we can find something for you to wear while we shop around for something new!” Twilight said brightly.

I looked on as she pulled more and more out of her suitcase, but nothing caught my eye. I ooed and ahhed anyways because I felt like it was the appropriate response. It was a little infuriating that Twilight was a couple centimeters taller than me, but I got over it after I found that pulling the wool over Twilight’s eyes in such an elaborate manner was more fun than I had anticipated. I’d originally planned on giving the jig up after we went shopping, but now I was a little excited about seeing where my ruse would take me, and it seemed like it was going well enough so far.

Thankfully, Twilight and I were nearly identical when it came to our body types, so I had my pick of whatever I wanted to wear. Sadly, Twilight had neglected to bring something to keep my jiggly bits from doing their thing, so I was going to have to go bra shopping. With that lovely prospect ahead of me, I groaned inwardly and started picking out an outfit. Twilight and I settled on a tasteful, black calf length skirt and a plain violet V-Neck. It wasn’t anything fancy, of course, but it would get us to the shops.

With a smile that was dutifully faked, I followed Twilight into town and bought some clothes for myself, and what a tedious process it was. Take this off, put that on, that looks better with BLAH!. Most of my wardrobe now consisted of black, dark grey, and various shades of purple that leaned towards blue. In short, I had copied my color scheme over and added a bit of red to the blue dye. There was more of the same with my livery, though I only bought a few things since Twilight said that she wanted to have the full experience with a few more friends. It didn’t matter too much to me, though I was happy when we stopped by Twilight’s place so I could get properly dressed. The livery still struck me as a little much, but if I was going to keep up the charade, I had to act the part.

Since I had my own clothes, I gave Twilight’s back to her and was now dressed in a light lavender top and denim jeans. Twilight gave me her seal of approval, and so she took me across town to go visit Rarity. Pretending not to know where things were meant that Twilight was taking the lead, and her sense of direction was simply terrible. I had to ‘accidentally’ put us back on the right track a couple of times, but the walk was over quickly enough, and I had someone to meet.

We strolled on into Rarity’s shop, and for once, she was in the front parlor. She wasn’t doing anything, granted, but she was still there, and she was looking quite bored. When Twilight and I walked through the door, however, she perked up immediately and greeted us with a smile.

“Twilight! It's good to see you darling!” Rarity rushed in for a hug before turning to me. “I don’t believe we’ve ever met, have we?”

“We haven’t. My name is Roxy, and you must be Rarity.” I said with a little smile.

“Welcome to my humble little shop, Miss Roxy.” She did a shallow curtsy. “What brings you in?”

I glanced over to the purple mare and she spoke up. “I was just showing Roxy around town and wanted to introduce you. I also wanted to ask if you want to go shopping with us later.”

Rarity’s eyes lit up. “I would be delighted! We’ll make a day of it, shall we?”

I chuckled. “Seems like we will. Even across worlds, some things never change.”

Rarity opened her mouth to respond, but did a double take. “Wait, are you from a different world like Max?”

I looked at her and nodded slowly. “I thought the lack of pointy ears and hooves was pretty clear.”

“Well, I wasn’t exactly expecting to see another of Max’s kind in my lifetime, so do forgive my surprise.”

“All’s forgiven, I was just joking with you, sweetie.” I gave her a smile and she returned it.

“I suppose you and Max came from the same country?” Rarity asked.

“The accent gives it away, Rarity.” Twilight commented.

Rarity blushed. “That’s fairly obvious, Twilight. I was referring to the way Max and Roxy joke around. It’s very similar.”

I shrugged. “It's the English sense of humor, I guess.”

“Speaking of Max, where is he? One would think he’d be thrilled to see another one of his kind!” Rarity asked.

I pursed my lips. “He didn’t seem that excited when I met him.”

“Oh, so you have already met him?”

I nodded. “I have. To answer your original question, though, I would guess that he’s on a top secret mission of some kind. That’s basically what his letter said.”

Rarity shot Twilight a worried look. “Another one? So soon? I thought he said that this wouldn’t be happening often!”

Twilight laid a hand on her arm. “I don’t think now’s the time, Rarity. We can be mad at him when he comes back.”

I cleared my throat to get their attention. “You know, he made his business sound awfully urgent. Do you know what he even does?”

They traded a look. “Well, no, not really. Max kind of just… Well…” Twilight looked to Rarity for help, but found none there.

“Right. I’d say he’s cheating on you, but if he has multiple girlfriends, it’s kinda hard to do that.” I said.

Twilight giggled. “That’s true. I’m sure that whatever he’s up to, he’ll come back safe and sound.”

“Of course, darling! Our Max has braved the Everfree for a month! I daresay that he’s made of stronger stuff than your average stallion.” Rarity said proudly.

I widened my eyes. “Wait, he went there for a whole month!? I spent an hour in there and nearly died!”

Twilight beamed. “Max truly is remarkable, just don’t let him hear you say that. He might get mad.”

I rolled my eyes. “Men, am I right?”

“That means ‘stallions’, doesn’t it?” Rarity asked.

“‘Stallions’ means males, right?”

“It does.” She said with a nod.

I dipped my head toward her. “There’s your answer.”

After what felt like hours of talking, Twilight and Rarity finally got a fucking move on. I couldn’t complain since it was filling time in the day, but I still found it annoying that they felt the need to talk about every little thing, and on top of that, involve me in the conversation about every little thing! I can’t say that I cared in the least about how Spike burned the pancakes that morning, or how Sweetie Belle did the same thing a week ago, but it was all for the sake of the prank.

We walked over to Fluttershy’s, and that was a pain in the ass. I had forgotten about just how shy she had been before she’d gotten comfortable around me, but I was reminded when Twilight and Rarity introduced me. After having to hear Fluttershy’s name from Rarity, we got back into town and went shopping for more bras and knickers, and boy was that fun! Trying on various things sucked bollocks, but getting to watch Fluttershy, Rarity and Twilight try out new undergarments? Worth every second of my suffering. In fact, by the end of our little trip, I was feeling more than a little… Damp. In a female heavy town like Ponyville, I’d be able to chase as much lesbian tail as I felt the desire to, but since I was still a loyal fellow, I could pick from Fluttershy or Rarity to pursue, though I didn’t see that working out too well for me.

Sexually frustrated to no end, I mosied along with them on the way back to Rarity’s boutique. We sat around Rarity’s kitchen table, sipping on tea, until Twilight had a brilliant idea.

“I know! Why don’t we have a slumber party!” She exclaimed out of fucking nowhere

“What a wonderful idea!” Rarity gushed. “It would give Roxy a great chance to meet the rest of our friends!”

The two of them looked at me, so I looked at Fluttershy. “Do you know what these slumber parties usually entail?”

“W-W-Well…” She started “We usually h-have s-snacks and stuff…”

I looked at Twilight and Rarity, both of whom were leaning forward. “...Are you waiting for me to say yes?” I asked cautiously.

They nodded. “Is there going to be alcohol?”

“There can be, I suppose.” Rarity said.

“Then I’m definitely in. You girls seem like you’d be even more fun with a little liquid courage in you.” I said cheekily.

Rarity and Twilight cast a scared glance toward Fluttershy who was blushing. “I-I don’t think it’s the best idea…”

“Oh come on, Fluttershy!” I said, grinning. “What’s wrong? Is it time for a story?”

The three of them looked anywhere but at me.

“...You know that I’m not going to force you to have a drink, yeah?” I asked Fluttershy.

She nodded quickly. “I-I know, it’s just that I like to drink…”

I gave her an odd look. “What’s wrong with that?”

“I ended up kissing Rainbow after a long night…” Fluttershy blushed and hid behind her hair.

“Is that it?” I asked. “Which set of lips was it on?”

That turned Rarity bright red. “Roxy! Such language is unbefitting of a lady!”

“Oh come off it, Rarity! You can’t tell me that you enjoy being bothered to be a proper lady all the time.” I smirked.

“I am not bothered to be a proper lady because I am one.” She huffed.

“Are you trying to insinuate that I’m not?” I asked testily.

Rarity spluttered and I laughed. “Take it easy. I’m just having some fun with you again.”

Twilight smiled and shook her head. “Maybe you don’t like Max because you two are so alike?”

“Don’t know him well enough to say anything about that, so I’ll trust your judgement.” I commented.

With Rarity still somewhat upset, Fluttershy, Twilight and I cheered her up and headed out to grab some supplies before we reconvened at Twilight’s. Fluttershy was tasked with getting the other girls to the party, Rarity with the snacks, and Twilight and I were in charge of the party favous. Going to the liquor store with a notoriously straight edge woman earned me some queer looks, but I was having too much fun preparing for the slumber party to care. We ended up getting a bottle of something clear and strong and two bottles of wine. I picked cherry because I thought it sounded nice, and Twilight went with a pleasant plum, but I thought we needed something for everyone, so I grabbed a bottle of white wine to go along with our other purchases.

Because magic is awesome when it’s convenient, I had Twilight teleport our booze home and started off towards my house. It surprised me that Twilight had been the one to suggest it out of all people, but if she wanted to have a little bit of extra fun, I wasn’t going to complain. We took our time once we got to my place which gave me plenty of time to change clothes again. I swear, I’d changed clothes more times in one day than I had in the past three months, though in fairness, two of those months were awfully light on spare clothing. Still, I’d seen more outfits in the mirror so far than I would’ve ever dreamed possible, and knowing that this was only the first day killed me a little bit on the inside.

Despite the mild amount of social exhaustion I was feeling, the little detour with Twilight had gone a long way in keeping my spirits up. While I knew that I didn’t actually have to pretend to be someone else, it was still something interesting to do and it allowed me to gain some interesting insights on myself from other people’s perspective. Throughout the day, whenever I tried to say something negative about myself, the girls defended me so readily that I had to stop, just in case it spoiled the relationship I was trying to build.

Twilight and I strolled into her house, lit like Christmas trees. I managed to keep my cool, but with less practice in the field, Twilight was acting a bit odd. It was pretty funny to watch, and I was glad that she’d had the idea in the first place. I didn’t know how I felt about weed being used to welcome people because of something I’d done, but I’d made my peace with the consequences of introducing it in the first place.

Rarity met us at the door and lead us to the library area of Twilight’s house where multiple sleeping bags had been set out along with many, many blankets in a circle around an unlit lantern. Plenty of snacks, a large bowl of popcorn, and a camera all joined the lantern in the middle, and my hopes for the night rose up until Pinkie Pie laid eyes on me. Immediately, she was in my face.

“Hiya! I’m Pinkie and I-” She started to rattle out.

I held up a hand and she stopped. “Little quick there, sweetie. Slow it down for me, just a notch. Please?”

Pinkie Pie grinned like the fool she was. “Sure! I just wanted to say welcome to Ponyville!”

I put on a smile. “Thank you Pinkie.”

“Anytime! Well, I say anytime, but it can’t literally be any time because that would mean that you came to Ponyville for the first time multiple times, but if you could do that, then you’d never technically go anywhere because you’ve been everywhere you’ve ever been for the first time already, but you’ve never actually gone there, and that would mean that you can’t exist on this plane of existence! Checkmate!”

I blinked at her before patting her head. “Good Pinkie. Good Pinkie.”

She gave me an odd look. “You’re a weird one, aren’t you?” Pinkie sneezed and confetti came out.

“Maybe just a little bit.” I responded, watching the confetti fall. “I don’t think you have too much room to talk, though.”

Pinkie looked around. “There’s plenty of room in here for talking!”

“Now that you mention it, I suppose there is.”

“Exactly! So don’t be afraid to talk all you want!”

I touched my face, looking for a beard that wasn’t there. “While I enjoy a good conversation, I don’t actually talk very often, so please don’t feel like I’m not interested if I don’t say something. It’s just the way I am. I think Rarity had that problem earlier.”

“Rarity always has a problem, so don’t take it personally! She’s a really nice mare, you just have to give her a chance.”

“That’s pretty much what Max said regarding all of the ponies. It certainly is taking some getting used to.”

Pinkie Pie grabbed my hand and lead me over to the circle of sleeping bags and blankets, plopping herself down once she found the most disgustingly pink area. I didn’t really feel like sitting next to Pinkie, but it would have been impolite to sit elsewhere after she had literally lead me there, so I sat like a good girl, yes I am, and suffered through a few more minutes of conversation with Pinkie before Applejack came in from the kitchen and rescued me.

“Howdy!” She called out from behind me while Pinkie was talking about… Something. “Twilight told me we were gonna have someone new tonight, but I thought it was gonna be someone from town.”

“I’m sorry, but you’ll have to settle for another human.” I said dejectedly, hanging my head.

Applejack came a little closer, so I stood up so I could meet her properly. She extended a hand and I grasped it firmly. “It’s nice to meet ya, sugarcube. My name’s Applejack, and I run Sweet Apple Acres with my brother just outside of town.”

“The pleasure’s all mine, sweetie. I’m Roxanne, but most people just call me Roxy.”

“Nice name ya got there, though I can’t say I’ve heard of one like it.”

“That’s because Roxy here is an alien, just like Maxy!”

Applejack chuckled. “I kinda noticed that, Pinkie. Come on, why don’t we head back to the kitchen and join the rest of the girls?”

I nodded my assent and we walked into the kitchen where Rarity, Twilight, Rainbow and Fluttershy were all giggling their heads off about something or other. I tried to pay attention to their explanation but I was so bored by the five minute mark that I was eager to break into the wine. So far, my week as a woman had involved a fuck ton of talking and a lot of changing clothes, but I considered my statistics invalid because of the clothes shopping. Still, the stereotypes were proving true, and now I was just waiting for my period to sync up with someone’s estrus so we could fuck everything before destroying it.

After a nice, droll talk, we moved the party into the living room and Pinkie informed me that I would have to have a welcoming party sometime soon. I had no desire to have a party and I told her as much, but Pinkie was persistent despite her friends asking her to let it go. I eventually caved, though I did ask that the party be small, stating that I felt uncomfortable in large crowds of strangers. It wasn’t a sentiment shared by everyone, but Twilight and Fluttershy had my back on the issue. Personally, I’ve never actually had an issue with crowds since that just meant more marks in a smaller space, but I had never been fond of parties for some reason. It just wasn’t my bag.

We sat in a circle and talked about more bullshit. Fluttershy, Applejack and I were pretty quiet through most of the ordeal, leaving the others to pick up our conversational slack, though I doubt they even really noticed. I was too busy trying not to rip the damnable creation that was strapped around some fleshy globes on my chest to really participate anyway. Twilight took her time in getting to the fun part of the evening, but when she did, things got far better. Twilight and I teamed up to get everyone to take a puff or five from her corn cob pipe, and by the time we were through with that, control of the party favours had been given to the presiding human, which meant that every bottle was popped and glasses were filled. Now that multiple conversations were going at the same time, intermingling with each other at certain points, I actually had a proper chance to talk about something. Luckily, Fluttershy was feeling less shy due to the introduction of certain things in her mouth, so I could talk to her without having to deal with the stuttering.

Once the group dissolved into subsets, I scooted closer to Fluttershy and Rarity and caught a little bit of an interesting conversation. They welcomed me into their little ring and I paid some attention for once.

“Where was I?” Rarity tapped her chin. “Oh! That’s right! Fluttershy, do you remember me telling you about the day when Max came to collect the clothes I made for him?”

Fluttershy nodded blearily. “Of course.”

“Well, since we know he has the clothes, and we know that he commissioned them, why hasn’t he worn any of them yet?” Rarity said, visibly perturbed.

“If I were him, I probably wouldn’t wear them because you made them. You’re Max’s friend, right?” I asked.

“Well, yes, but I don’t see why that would make him not wear my apparel.” She huffed before sipping her wine.

“It’s because he probably doesn’t want to ruin it. From what I’ve heard from you girls, Max is the type of guy to be careful with something someone made specifically from him, and if he’s from Wiltshire like he says, then he’s either too used to nice things to appreciate them, or he’s so unused to them that he can’t bring himself to ruin your clothes by wearing them. I guess it just depends on what his life was like before he came to Ponyville.”

“He said that his life in England was rough.” Rarity said evenly.

“Then he probably doesn’t want to mess up the stuff you made.” I shrugged. “It might be some silly guy reason, though. Take my words with a grain of salt.”

“You’re a really insightful mare, you know that?” Fluttershy purred. I noticed that she had my bottle of cherry wine next to her, and that a good bit of it seemed to be missing.

I smiled. “I didn’t. Thank you, Fluttershy.”

“Anytime.” She gave me a promising wink and my heart sped up a bit. Fluttershy was already coming on to me.

“You know, I have to ask: What shampoo do you use for your mane?” I inquired.

“Oh, just some of Natural Bliss’s usual stuff. I don’t think it would work too well with your mane, as curly as it is.”

I ran a hand through my wavy locks. “I think you’re right. I’m kinda surprised that the vanilla stuff Max has works for it. I guess a lot of things stayed the same from my universe.”

Rarity and Fluttershy traded a look. Rarity held up one finger and whispered something to Fluttershy. If I was a more insecure person, I probably would have cared, but it wasn’t in the best interest of my new persona to get all uptight too early. I made it quite obvious that I was watching them, but they continued on as if I wasn’t there, which actually did piss me off a bit.

Once they were finished, they turned to me. “So, Roxy…” Fluttershy began.

“We were just wondering…” Rarity continued.

“If you’d be interested in answering a certain question…” Fluttershy finished ominously.

“...Feel free to ask whatever you want.” I said carefully.

“Well… What do you think about Max? We know you haven’t known him long, but everypony is curious.”

I took some time to consider that question. “I think Max has his problems, but he makes up for it in other ways.”

Rarity and Fluttershy traded a look. “...Is that all?” Rarity asked.

I shrugged. “I met the guy for like, an hour. I could tell you just as much about Max as I could Rainbow Dash.”

“That’s not very long to get to know somepony.” Fluttershy said.

I nodded. “Exactly. I know all of you better than I know him.”

Rarity scoffed. “Darling, we know you better than we know Max! That stallion never talks unless he knows he’s right!”

“Or if he thinks he’s right.” Fluttershy added, pouring herself another glass of wine.

“So you’re saying that he’s a cut above your average guy? Most guys I’ve dated talk regardless of whether or not they even have anything to say.” I said with a smile.

“We mean that he never talks about his feelings.” Rarity corrected.

“He’s a guy, sweetie. They don’t talk about their feeling because they don’t even know how they feel half the time. Guys are like children: They don’t know why they’re mad, sad, or scared in general, but they do know that if they pretend that it’s something they can just be mad at, then it’s easier for them to get through the day. I know that back in England, men were held up to a certain standard and that didn’t really allow them to express themselves like a woman can. I guess you could say that society’s pressure to be a stoic, strong, independent man both makes and breaks a person, depending on your definition of a functioning adult.”

“...Did I ever mention how insightful you are?” Fluttershy asked after a moment.

“You did. Did I ever tell you how sexy you are?” I gave her a sly smile.

She returned my smile with one of her own, though Rarity just looked on in confusion. “You never have, though I appreciate it. You know, I think I might try styling my mane like yours sometime soon, I think it looks fantastic!”

“Thank you sweetie, but I always wished that my hair would be as straight and shiny as yours. Maybe we should trade styles for a day?” I looked to Rarity. “How about it? Do you want to make this a threesome?”

Rarity looked quite unsure, so I saved her. “Well, in your case, I don’t think I could do what you do. I don’t stand a chance at making my hair look half as good as yours.”

“Oh, it just takes a little extra time, darling! I know it’s not necessarily something that every mare wants to take the time to do, but I wouldn’t mind helping you for a day.” Rarity offered meekly.

“I would hate to take your time for something so selfish!” I gently deflected. Rarity was right, I didn’t want to bother with it at all.

“We could do it now! Let’s get everypony involved!” Fluttershy said excitedly.

Since Fluttershy was some kind of evil, we approached the other girls and put our names in a wizard hat that Twilight had on hand. Instead of having everyone choose a name, we simplified it a bit and just had everyone switch with whoever they picked. Luckily I switched with Twilight, so I wouldn’t have to do too much, but poor Applejack got Pinkie Pie and Rainbow got Rarity. Fluttershy was the odd one out, so she got to pick her from the group. It wasn’t a surprise that she picked mine, and I found it to be rather flattering anyway. I was a little miffed with myself for walking straight into this mess, but since Rarity and Fluttershy were going to be doing all the styling, I wasn’t too upset about it.

Due to the delicate nature of capturing someone’s personal flair while still giving them their desired style, it was decided that I would be the first one to receive Rarity and Fluttershy’s attention because of some stupid reason that Rarity had. It was fine by me, seeing as how it meant that I could get my suffering out of the way quickly, but after Rarity started combing through my hair, I found myself enjoying it. I suppose that everyone desires care and affection at some level. When they were finished, Fluttershy grabbed me a hand mirror. I told the girls that I felt smarter already and they laughed.

Eventually we got through everyone, and now the girls and I looked vaguely like one another. It was hilarious to see Rainbow with her hair up like Rarity’s, and it was I nearly lost my shit when we Pinkified Applejack. Rarity, instead of being a good sport about it, whined endlessly about the uncivilized nature of Rainbow’s hairdo, but I eventually tuned her out.

The next event of the night spin the bottle and I was somewhere between psyched and sickened. On one hand, I’d get to kiss four total babes, but on the other, I would basically be a pedophile. A smile crept across my face when I figured out who I was going to slip some tongue, and thus, the game started. Pinkie Pie was up first, and thanks to some incredible luck on her part, she got to kiss me. I inwardly sighed, though I still puckered up for my punishment. All in all, it hadn’t been terrible, and Pinkie’s lips reminded me of cotton candy. Since Pinkie had taken up residence next to me, it was my turn, so I gave the bottle a spin and it landed on Applejack, who was more than a little hesitant about surrendering her lips to my will. After Applejack prolonged the process by being a wimp, I showed her what a real kiss was like. When I pulled away from her, she was sporting an adorable blush.

The game continued on and my earlier frustration returned en force. I had kissed everyone but Fluttershy at least once now, and my patience was running thin, and if the look she had been giving me the entire game was anything to go by, then so was hers. Fluttershy had been dropping hints for a while now, though she was subtle about it. It actually made me pause for a moment to wonder if Fluttershy just had a human fetish, or if the alcohol really did loosen her morals that quickly. By now, the cherry and white wine were gone, leaving us with a bottle of hard liquor and some juice to mix it with since the plum wine Twilight had gotten was unpalatable to everyone but her. I took a break to grab a drink and Fluttershy joined me in the kitchen.

“You know, it’s been a pretty great day, all things considered.” I commented as I poured my juice.

Fluttershy came to a stop a few centimeters away from me, close enough that I could smell the faint remnants of her perfume. “Really? I’m glad to hear that!”

“Yeah, going shopping with you girls was great and the slumber party’s been fun too.”

“What was your favorite part of the day so far?” She asked.

“Do you want me to be completely honest with you?” I asked, both brows lifted.

“Of course!”

“The best part so far was shopping for knickers and whatnot.”

Fluttershy’s eyes widened by a fraction and she smiled. “We did find some cute things, didn’t we?”

“I think I managed alright, but the white and yellow set you found was perfect for you!”

“Wasn’t it? I got it with Max in mind, but I don’t know if I’ll get a chance to show him any time soon.” She sighed.

“Feel free to show off to me anytime, sweetie. Lord knows I wouldn’t mind catching a peek.” I said with a sultry smile.

Fluttershy bit her lip. “I don’t know about that. Maybe you could convince me?”

I finished mixing my drink and sipped it. “What if I offered to do the same for you? Would that sway you at all?”

She gave me a dirty grin. “It might, though you might want to be careful about making promises.”

I leaned in and gave her a lesson in oral dexterity, leaving her lightly panting by the time I let her go. “I never make promises I don’t intend on keeping.”

Fluttershy wrapped her arms around me and pressed her chest into mine. “I’ll hold you to that. Maybe after everypony goes to sleep we could…?

I cupped a handful of her bottom and she squeaked. “Hold me to whatever you want, after the girls are lights out, we’re having a bit of an after party.”

I heard steps coming in from the living room, so I let go of Fluttershy and picked my drink up. Applejack rounded the corner and gave us a smile. “How y’all doin’?”

“Just fine. Yourself?” I responded casually.

“Well, I was thinkin’ that it’s about time I broke into some of what you’re havin’.”

“Want me to mix it for you? I’ve been told that I can make it just right.” I offered.

“If ya don’t mind too much, I’d like that.”

Fluttershy lifted a hand. “Could I have one too?”

I agreed because I’m the greatest and got their drinks made to their desired strengths. We moved back into the living room where there was a new game going, and it was an old one that everyone should be familiar with. I hadn’t played it much since I dated that one college girl for a week, but I was fond of the game, and nearly jumped at the chance to be the first to ask the question. My maturity kept me from volunteering, and my lack of knowledge on Equestrian Truth or Dare ethics made me want to go last so I could see where the bar was set.

Applejack went first and she set the bar incredibly low. She asked Twilight who her first kiss was, though I was surprised to find that it was me. That was pretty much the highlight of the game for the first few rounds, though Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash had some good ones. Pinkie Pie threw me one hell of a bone and dared me to molest Fluttershy for ten seconds, which neither of us minded too terribly, though I was one hundred percent certain that Pinkie was well aware of what was going on between the two of us. In any case, I got some mammaries in my hands and the night was looking better than it had for the past few hours. I had a good buzz going, prospects of getting laid, and Twilight’s snacks were pretty decent, so I was feeling pretty good about where the week was headed now. Then I worried about what Fluttershy had said earlier about the effect alcohol had on her. If she was only being so receptive to my advances because of a substance, then I didn’t really want to sleep with her. It also brought up a strange question that made my head hurt. Would it be cheating if Fluttershy slept with me since I was technically a different person from her perspective? I wouldn’t hold it against her at all since we were in a polygamous relationship anyway, but I was a bit confused by the question. I reasoned my worries away so I could enjoy the best part of the day so far, letting the tides of Truth or Dare carry me into Rainbow’s arms for an off pitch lullaby.

After a brief intermission where I made drinks for the rest of the girls, Truth or Dare got more risque with each passing chance. Applejack and Rarity had both been dared to strip down to their skivvies by Pinkie and I, and Twilight had to remove her bra and put it on her head, courtesy of Rainbow. Fluttershy got Rarity good when she dared her to leave two ice cubes in her bra until they melted, and though Rarity failed the task, it was still a comical occurrence. The white mare came back with a vengeance and dared me to drink a tablespoon of Pinkie Pie’s hottest sauce.

Fucking Hell. I experienced Hell in my mouth. It was so bad that I don’t even want to describe the event again, though I will say that there was plenty of milk afterwards. Since I had had such a terrible reaction to the hot sauce, it was off the table for future dares, which did my plans to have Rarity put a drop in each eye no favors. Eventually, after being motorboated by Twilight and being given a wedgie that sucked for even more reasons than usual by Rainbow, I got a chance to exact my revenge on Rarity, but I nearly let it pass since I couldn’t think of anything that wouldn’t leave a mark. My mind spat out the most evil yet tame idea that had been conjured up all night: I dared Rarity to let Rainbow Dash do her makeup.

Jaws dropped and mewls of terror could be heard from outside the house. I swear, the lights dimmed and started flickering in the kitchen and parlour adjacent, but were fine in the library part where we were. Thunder crashed, knocking the lights out in their entirety, leaving us with only the lantern and some magic to light the night for us now. Shit had gone a little sideways, but Rarity didn’t want to be the only one to outright refuse a dare, so she sat still and waited while Rainbow and Fluttershy sorted through her crap to find her ‘travel sized’ makeup kit. I don’t know why the woman didn’t just get up and get it herself since she knew what it looked like and where it was at, but it wasn’t any concern of mine as long as the dare was fulfilled.

Now, I had never known Rainbow or Pinkie to wear makeup, but I had a sneaking suspicion that Pinkie would pull out some mad skills from nowhere, so I went with the tomboyish, almost anti-feminine girl to do my dirty work. I had made a last moment decision that, at the time, seemed like the most logical. Two minutes into Rainbow Dash’s ministrations, I feared for my life. Rarity was still fucking stunning without her makeup, which was nice for the first few seconds before Rainbow put brush to easel, but once she truly got started, Fluttershy took me by the arm and lead me out of the house.

“Rarity is going to be very upset with you.” Fluttershy warned me once we were out the door.

“If it makes either of you feel any better, I would have done worse than Rainbow.” I said.

Fluttershy gave me a look. “Butterscotch Beige with Brick Red?”

I winced. “Okay, so maybe I would have had a bit more taste when it comes to-” I paused. “Hold on, once we get back in, there’s something I have to ask Rainbow. I just thought of something incredibly ironic.”

She gave me a look as the door opened to reveal Applejack who joined us. We greeted her briefly, but she only had eye for me.

“You know Rarity is gonna be pretty sore with ya, right?” Applejack said.

I sighed. “So I’ve heard. I’m sure that she’ll calm down once we get her cleaned up and back to her normal, beautiful self, though I can’t help but wonder why she wears makeup if she looks like that without it.”

“It’s because stallions and some mares can’t seem to keep their heads on straight when she doesn’t wear it.” Applejack explained. “Before Rarity and I got close, we went to school together and I still remember the day when she started to get more attention from some of our classmates. She came to school, same as usual, but halfway through the lesson, two of our classmates that were sittin’ next to each other start arguin’, both of them claimin’ Rarity as their fillyfriend. Next thing ya know, half the class is brawlin’ and I’m caught up in the middle of it tryin’ to get Rarity out of there before she gets hurt. We became friends after that and almost more, but that was a different time in both of our lives, and we stopped talking to each other not too long after Rarity refused to step into my house.” Applejack shrugged. “Might be a little off track, but I’m still a little upset about that, and I doubt she even remembers it.”

I pursed my lips as I digested the information that had been given to me. “So Rarity’s just too pretty to not wear makeup?”

Applejack and Fluttershy nodded. “That’s the short version.” Applejack said.

“Right. So what’s this about you and Rarity becoming ‘more than friends’?”

Applejack blushed and tried to ignore me, but Fluttershy was just as curious as I was, so we pretty much just stared at her until she spilled the beans. “Alright! If y’all wanna stop lookin’ at me like that, I’ll tell you the abridged version.”

We stopped staring and she started again. “So after I helped Rares out of that little jam in school, we went back to her place and went to settle down for a little bit and played around to get our minds off of what just happened. It just so happened that I had some experience with makeup, so we put that on her and Rarity got her signature look.” Applejack rolled her eyes. “Rarity was grateful and she showed that with a kiss, but I wanted a bit more than one. Keep in mind that I was goin’ through that experimental phase that every mare goes through!”

I chuckled and patted her arm. “No judgement from me, sweetie. I’m still in that experimental phase, but I guess after you swear off of men, it’s not really a phase anymore.”

Applejack’s face lit up. “I knew it! I thought there was somethin’ familiar about the way you kissed!”

“Are you sure that’s all?” Fluttershy asked innocently. “Don’t you want to try again and see if you can find any more similarities?”

Applejack blushed and I gave her a peck on the cheek. “I’m game if you are.”

“No offense, but I ain’t that kinda mare anymore.” Applejack said politely.

I grinned. “I figured, but if you ever wanna bat for my team, I’d be happy to help you out.”

Fluttershy giggled and Applejack opened her mouth, but before she could speak, an ear shattering screech sheared through the silence of the night. We already knew what the cause was, but I wasn’t ready to face the consequences of Rainbow’s actions, so I stayed my happy arse outside. Applejack and Fluttershy shared my sentiment, so we kept talking.

“As I was about to say,” Applejack continued, “I think that you’d have a better shot when Max comes back. I’ve had a threesome with him before and it was pretty nice, and toys never beat the real thing. At least, not his real thing.” She said with a dirty grin that was shared by Fluttershy.

“I agree. You might not think much of him right now, but Max is great in bed. I haven’t spent a night with him that hasn’t gone well for me.” Fluttershy vouched.

I shook my head. “I’m sure Max is quite the chap in the sack, but dick just isn’t my thing. I like girls.”

Fluttershy subtly reached over and palmed my ass when I said that, making sure to stand extra close to me so Applejack wouldn’t notice. I didn’t react beyond a quick glance in her direction, but Applejack was more astute than Fluttershy was sneaky, so I caught the knowing smile that flashed across her mouth. I gave her a wink and she excused herself, stating that Rarity would probably want her to fix her makeup.

That left Fluttershy and I alone on the stoop. We wasted no time, preferring to just get to the snogging the moment Applejack closed the door. I was so entranced by Fluttershy’s lips and other assets, I hadn’t been paying attention to the fact that we had an audience up until I heard someone snicker. I gently broke our kiss and removed myself from Fluttershy, who was now blushing up a storm, though she later told me that it was more from the kiss than being caught.

I turned to face the rest of the girls and smiled. “Hello there. Enjoy the show?”

“We sure did!” Pinkie said cheerfully.

Rainbow and Rarity were busy glowering at me and Applejack was too busy trying to quell the shit eating grin she had to say much.

“You two can’t play spin the bottle by yourselves! You only ever get to kiss one person!” Twilight said, completely glossing over the fact that Fluttershy and I had barely stopped to take a breath, let alone spin a bottle.

“When you’re right, you’re right.” I sighed theatrically. “It’s just that Fluttershy and I never got to kiss each other, so we were a little curious.”

“I was feeling so left out, not getting a kiss from Roxy…” Fluttershy said innocuously.

Applejack rolled her eyes since she knew the score, but sweet, innocent Twilight took the half truth at face value. Sadly, being caught meant that we were obligated to join the party once more, but with most of the snacks deteriorated and the lights still out, there wasn’t much left to do besides talk, which we did for the last couple of hours before dawn. I convinced Twilight to smoke a few more bowls from my stash, and that put Rainbow and Pinkie out as the Sun started showing its face, though Rarity sat it out. Applejack had brought a change of clothes, so she borrowed Twilight’s shower and prepared to get her day started, which left Twilight, Fluttershy, Rarity and I to our own devices. I teamed up with Rarity to make breakfast as a way to extend an olive branch for making her look ridiculous, despite the fact that I never got to see the finished product and that I didn’t actually do it. It was also a good way to get back on her good side and absorb some of her cooking skills, which were top notch. Rarity was a capable chef with the right ingredients, though she told me that she could only perform with preferable conditions, and Fluttershy and Twilight vouched for her there. Between the three of them, they told me about the time when Rarity had tried to make as many potato based dishes as she could, but ended up coating everything in so much starch, that everything she’d made was practically inedible.

There were potatoes in today’s breakfast, but it was in the form of fried medallions that I was very fond of. The other girls had some pancakes and shit, but I’ve always been more of a savory kind of person when it comes to my breakfast fare. Once we were through with that, the slumber party was officially over and we could go to sleep. Rarity and Twilight joined Rainbow and Pinkie in the library proper while Fluttershy lead me to the basement where we could finally have some fun.

Since I have a standing order from Fluttershy to not include any illicit sexual activity in my journals, the hours we spent in the basement will not be elaborated upon, but I will say that Fluttershy’s tongue was not as refined as Celestia’s, and I may or may not have faked an orgasm. I also may or may not have felt terrible about hypothetically faking said orgasm. Still, If I had faked an orgasm, then it would have been nicer than just telling Fluttershy that she lacked the skill to get me off, so I could hardly feel guilty. If that was the case, that is.

Thoroughly disappointed, I carried the snoozing form of Fluttershy into the living room and tucked her in before I headed home. I was used to spending days awake at a time, so I was tired, but not overly so. I could make it until that night to sleep, but for now, I needed a shower and to get my journals caught up. When I got home, I found Lupa waiting for me on the couch, but when I walked in, she started barking her bloody head off, though she wasn’t actually saying anything.

“Oi! Shut up, you noisy mutt! I’ll spay you with my bare fucking hands if you don’t shut your trap!”

Lupa paused for a moment before she continued. “Stupid Two-Leg! If you don’t get out of here, I’m going to rip your limbs off!”

That gave me reason to shut the Hell up. “Okay, chill! It’s me, Max!”

Lupa cocked her head and approached me, sniffing my pajamas. “You don’t smell like Max.”

“But I understand you!”

Lupa blinked and backed off. “So you do. Master, why are you a bitch?”

“Because that’s the female equivalent of an arsehole, which I am.”

“...I will never understand some of your Two-Leg sayings.”

“It’s probably for the better. Are you going to rip me to pieces now, or can I get my shit done?”

She snorted and went back to her couch, leaving me to grab my journals and catch them up. A lot had happened last night, so I tried to pare everything down so that it was just the interesting bits and the stuff that stuck out, but it was a little difficult. When I had everything I wanted to say written down, I switched gears and started looking through the bags of clothes that I had dropped off in my guest room, settling on a loose indigo top and some black trousers. After finishing up in the shower, I applied some delicious chap stick that I really didn’t need and asked Lupa if she wanted to go into town and make some friends with me. She did not, so I went into town by myself, which was just fine. I wasn’t hurt or anything. Not even the slightest bit offended. Nope, not mad at all. I started acting strange before I left and Lupa asked me if I was okay. I told her I was fine.

Being a woman is fun sometimes.

With Lupa in the metaphorical doghouse, I happily took my time going into Ponyville. I was just thrilled that I wasn’t the one in trouble for once. Seeing as how I’m often being blamed for doing things that are usually justifiable, it was nice to be the one someone was in trouble with, rather than being the person in the hotseat myself. I briefly wondered if my new female powers would allow me to put Celestia in check, so I decided to try the next time I saw her.

Once I actually got into town, I headed toward the park because I felt like it, and it was there that I met the Gryphon that had been staying in town. She was sitting on a bench in the park, glaring at every Pony that passed her, so I decided to take up the spot next to her. She glared at me, but I didn’t give a shit. My feet were hurting due to the size difference from my temporary change, so I wasn’t going anywhere until that pain eased up a bit.

“Lovely day, isn’t it?” I asked conversationally.

“Dude, the thermals are complete shit today and there aren’t even any clouds to do anything with. What’s so good about today?” She grumbled.

“If you’d get your head out of your arse, you might notice that it’s a good day to do some cardio other than flying.”

“What did you just say to me?” She asked.

“I said that if you would get your head out of your arse-”

“Yeah that’s what I thought you said.” She interrupted. “Look, I already don’t like you. Get lost.”

“I’ll ‘get lost’ when you choke and die, you cock swallowing cunt.” I said casually, inspecting my nails.

The Gryphon shut her beak and looked at me for a minute. I had my intangible friend ready to restrain her at a moment’s notice, but the need never came. Instead, the Gryphon extended her hand. “Name’s Gilda.”

I took it in my own. “Roxanne, but everyone I like calls me Roxy.”

“Is that because you don’t like people who call you Roxanne?”

“Got it in one. You might not be as retarded as I thought you were.” I said with a half smile.

Gilda chuckled. “You know, you never find someone who fights back in Equestria. Most of the Ponies around here just take whatever you dump on them and scurry away like some cowardly mice or something, but you’ve got some bite to you.”

“I’m not exactly a Pony and I’m not from around here. I’m willing to bet that you’re not from here either.”

“You’d win that bet if everyone didn’t already know that Gryphons come from Gryphonia. And you called me retarded.”

“Bitch, I’m from another world. The only things I know about this planet I learned from a crash course that skipped over a lot of stuff.”

“Hey, take it easy! No need to go aggro on me.” Gilda said.

“Sorry, bit of a sore spot. I like knowing things, and not knowing much about this world kinda kills me.”

Gilda didn’t understand the feeling, but she got the gist of the idea. She actually turned out to be half decent once you could get past her shitty first impression, and I found out that the reason she was so cross while doing nothing was because she’d been searching for a Pegasus friend that hadn’t surfaced while she’d been in town. Gilda told me that she knew her friend was here and had even dropped by where they were supposed to live yesterday, but couldn’t find them. I didn’t bother asking who she was looking for since it didn’t really concern me, but I did wish her luck in finding her pal.

We talked for a while longer and I told Gilda about some of my exploits that couldn’t be traced back to ‘Max’, and she told me of just about every scrap she’s had. I’m all for a good fight, but this girl was head over heels for the adrenaline rush that came with challenging someone bigger or stronger than herself. I also picked up that she was a bit of a bully from the way she talked about Ponies. Every time she mentioned them, she had to add in that she either insulted or pushed someone around, which I found to be very alienating. It’s one thing to burn away at someone’s self esteem with sarcasm and jibes, but it's another thing entirely to physically mess with a person. I didn’t even really think that being verbally mean was terribly admissible , but it was far more innocent than beating someone up for the fun of it, and I let Gilda know my firm stance on that, which ended with me being called a ‘weak ass pansy’. I’d rather be a fucking pansy than a shitty person. I mean, I’m a shitty person already, granted, but at least I wasn’t going to torture someone for no reason.

Gilda left before I could, though I was preparing to get the Hell away from her when she did. I may have been on good terms with Gilda when she left, but by no means was that twat any closer to being my friend than when we had first met. I could excuse some harsh language, but the woman was actively mean for no reason, and that just wasn’t something I wanted to associate myself with, momentary persona change withstanding.

Once I’d had my fill of the park, I went to check my pocket watch to see the time and realized that I had hidden it in my house so that I wouldn’t have my cover blown by carrying it around with me. With only the Sun as my clock, I fucked around and went to see what all I could do while I was in town. I thought about it and decided that I needed some soap, but couldn’t think of anything that would suit me, so I wandered through the town’s general store and sniffed everything. I was thoroughly anosmic by the time I was finished, and wasn’t much closer to finding a suitable scent until I asked the clerk at the counter if she thought anything smelled like how I look. It was an odd question, but the results were perfect. The woman presented an expensive bottle of Sacred Lotus soap that was simply divine, and a bottle of perfume that matched it closely enough. Surprisingly, the two together ended up costing me about fifty bits, which was considerably more expensive than any other combination in the store by about thirty bits. It’s not like money was an issue or anything, but I still would have preferred spending less even though I was satisfied with my purchase. When you grow up broke, it’s hard to throw money away when you know there’s a better bargain out there.

I took my shit home and showered again because I fucking can, don’t tell me what to do with my life. Lupa approved of my new scent, and I was feeling whimsical enough to go out and see what the girls thought about it until I realized that it had only been about seven hours since I’d left Twilight’s, and that the girls were most likely still catching up on their sleep. I had nothing better to do anyways, so I went back to Twilight’s and knocked. After getting no response, I let myself in and scared the shit out of Spike.

“Whoa! Who are you!?” He shouted about three meters away from the entrance.

“Twilight’s friend. Who are you?” I asked suspiciously.

“I’m her number one assistant!” He said proudly.

“Is that so? I guess even Twilight needs some help staying organized, yeah?”

Spike cocked his head to the side, though he wasn’t looking at me. “Well, yeah. Twilight’s not as organized as you might think she-” He looked me in the eye and his jaw dropped.

I waved. “Hello? You were saying?”

A blush creeped across his scales. “I- uh- er… I’m sorry, what was the question?”

I crossed my arms and lifted a brow. “I don’t really have one. I was just asking you to continue what you were saying.”

“Um… I forgot.”

I smiled and chuckled. “It always happens at the worst times, doesn’t it? You know, Twilight talked a lot about you yesterday. I feel like I already kind of know you, like you’re a little brother or something already.”

Spike face fell so hard I almost felt bad. “Right. I hear that a lot.”

“Girl troubles?” I asked.

His blush grew. “Maybe…”

I walked over and put a hand on his shoulder. “Chin up, sport. Maybe crushing on your boss’ friends isn’t the best idea?”

“W-Well it’s not like I can help it!” He protested. “It’s not my fault Twilight keeps having hot friends!” His eyes widened when he realized what he’d said and his hands clamped over his mouth.

I didn’t bother holding back the grin that came to my face, though I made sure to give it the proper amount of energy. “Thanks, kiddo, but I’m out of your league, too old for you, and on your team, though not necessarily in that order. “

Spike took his hands away from his mouth and gave me a confused look. “What does that mean?”

“What does what mean, sweetie?” I choked out. Calling another man ‘sweetie’ left a bitter taste in my mouth.

“That you’re out of my league.”

“Oh. It means we’re on different levels. When I say it, I mean that I’m not worth the heartache.” I lied.

“Oh… What do you mean when you say you’re on my team?”

“That means that I like girls, just like you.” Spike looked down and then at his tail, “I don’t mean you’re a girl, I mean that we both like girls.”

“Ah, that makes more sense.” He said.

I nodded and patted his head patronizingly. “Of course, young padawan. That was the point.”

“What’s a padawan?”

“Eh, don’t worry about that one. It would take too long to explain and it would take away from our time together, which we will be spending wherever there are girls your age.”

He gave me a funny look. “Don’t get me wrong, I like you and all, but why would we be spending time with girls my age?”

I found it odd that he didn’t question spending some of his day with me, but didn’t comment on it. “To find you a girlfriend, duh! If you have a girl your own age to keep you busy, then you won’t have time to lust after Twilight’s buddies like the naughty little lad you are.”

“That sounded like an insult. Are you from the same place as Max?” He asked.

“Yes, actually, but that doesn’t mean that I was trying to insult you.”

“Right.” He said skeptically. “Why don’t we save the whole match making thing for another day?”

I giggled. “It’s funny that you think you have a choice.”

He sighed in resignation, which only made me want to giggle some more. I thought his general obedience was quite funny, and I started thinking more in depth about the power of the growler. So far, my new vagina had allowed me to put Lupa in her place, be accepted more readily by Twilight and her friends, gotten me a discount at the general store, and was now letting me boss Spike around like he was my bitch, and the guy didn’t even know my name! The pussy was too strong, it’s power too corrupting. It made me wonder how Twilight and her friends had managed to avoid using it for evil for so long, but then I realized that Rarity used her sex appeal damn near daily, Fluttershy used it by existing and being adorable, and Twilight and Applejack used it to boss around the men in their lives. Pinkie and Rainbow couldn't really use feminine appeal since they, well, just didn’t have any.

Vaguely concerned about my morals, I let Spike lead the way to the school that he didn’t attend, though I had to ask why didn’t go to school like the rest of the kids in town. It was a stupid question since I knew who Twilight was, but one that I still wanted answered. Apparently, Twilight had him on a rigorous learning schedule that was only interrupted by the necessities of life and cleaning up after both himself and Twilight; something that I didn’t really agree with. I clean up after myself and Lupa because she’s an animal and I’m her caretaker, or at least, I’m supposed to be. Not because she effectively forces me to. I didn’t like that Twilight basically abused Spike by not really letting him have a social life, but it was her call as his guardian, which meant that I should keep my nose out of their business. I wasn’t going to because I considered Spike and Twilight friends of mine, but I knew that meddling was wrong regardless of how I felt about the situation. However, if I could talk Twilight into allowing Spike to have some manner of social life, then the girlfriend issue would probably solve itself soon enough.

Once I came to that realization, I stopped in my track. “You know what, kiddo?”

Spike stopped shortly after. “What?”

“I think we’ll get you a girlfriend some other time. For now, we’re going to talk to Twilight.”

“We’ve only been gone for like, half an hour.” He protested. “She’s not going to be awake yet.”

“Then I suppose that we’ll have to find something to do to fill the time, now won’t we?” I responded.

“...Like what?”

“...Is there a place to get a smoothie around here?”

Spike groaned. “You’re not going to give me bad news, are you?”

I cocked my head. “No. What makes you ask that?”

“The last time a human took me to get a smoothie, he told me some stuff that I needed to know but didn’t really want to hear. I need to thank Max for letting me know that I didn’t have a shot with Rarity some time. I guess knowing that she wasn’t interested beforehoof softened that blow.”

I gave him a one armed hug. “It’s never easy to get rejected, but I’m glad you’re over it.”

“Who said I was? I still like Rarity, I just know that it’s not going anywhere now.” He shrugged. “It’s kinda disappointing, but I get it. Like you said, all of Twilight’s friends are too old for me.”

“Hey, Pinkie Pie is mentally younger than you, so you could probably try her.” He blanched. “Right. I’m just saying, though. If you wanted to practice getting used to crazy, Pinkie Pie is your best bet.”

“I think I’m good. No offense to Pinkie, but she kinda scares me sometimes.”

“I feel the same way, actually. That girl is a little terrifying. I don’t understand how she breaks the laws of reality, and I never want to, but I do know that she’s mostly harmless.”

“Mostly.” He scoffed.

We got some smoothies and walked back to the library and I was glad that I had probably just saved the guy from certain embarrassment. Now that I actually paid attention to my plan, there was no way that it could have possibly worked out well for Spike, even if we did somehow manage to talk a girl into a relationship of any kind with him. Even then, he would have been a socially awkward near stranger to them, so that probably wouldn’t have ended well. While I was speculating upon just what the bloody fuck I had been thinking, I realized something: The extra X chromosome was impairing my judgement.

I made sure to rethink any thoughts that would affect someone else from then on so I wouldn’t have the same lapse in judgement. It was awfully surprising, but my anecdotal, extremely narrow evidence pointed toward women being retarded by genetics rather than any cause of their own. My super scientific revelation was so amazing, I stopped by the general store on the back to Twilight’s with Spike and grabbed a pen, some ink and some paper. With those magical ingredients, we continued on to Twilight’s house where the girls were starting to stir. No one was actually up when Spike and I walked in, so I went into the kitchen and got my note jotted down, using Spike to send it off to Celestia. She wrote back and told me that I was the most loquacious simp she’d ever met.

I took it as a compliment to my character.

I sat around and talked to Spike about the finer points of talking to women, like paying attention to every detail while not appearing to do so. It’s a tricky art since you have to be obviously paying attention, but you can’t be staring holes into her head as she speaks. I helped him practice keeping his poker face on during a boring, rambling conversation while being expected to respond occasionally. He actually did pretty well since he had some practice with females in general, but I caught him zoning out and staring off into space more than a few times once I got off on a good tangent and was quick to correct him. With a little time, he was coming along nicely and the girls had finally gotten up and moving about.

Twilight was surprised to find that I hadn’t gone to sleep yet. I was surprised that I wasn’t feeling the effects of my extended day at all. In fact, I wasn’t slowing down at all and was happy to have someone to talk to. I found that I was actually desiring social interaction which confused me me. It was either genetic or I was reinforcing stereotypes subconsciously, and the latter was far more likely than the former, though it did make me see something about the way I saw women. It was a worthwhile thought.

When Twilight got up and ready for her day, I asked if I could have a word in private and she brought me to her balcony. “So what did you want to talk about, Roxy?” She asked.

“I wanted to talk to you about Spike. I know it's kinda overstepping my boundaries, and it's really none of my business, but I truly do believe that the kid needs to get out more. Just from the way he acts, I don’t think he’s used to being around anyone male or around his age. I don’t know what it’s like in Equestria, but on Earth, a guy needs a proper role model to show him what it is to be a man.”

Twilight looked at me in shock. “I-I never thought about it. I guess I always…”

“You always what, Twilight?”

Twilight blushed furiously, her eyes off in the distance. On first glance, I had thought she was embarrassed, but upon further inspection, I saw a certain slump to her shoulders, the slight downward curve of her mouth. Twilight was feeling shame over something, but she wasn’t going to crack unless I played my cards just right. I let the autism flow through me and thought of something a caring woman might say.

“Look, Twilight, I won’t judge you for anything you have to say. From the time I’ve spent with you so far, I think I’ve gotten a pretty good picture of your character and I like what I see. Learning something new about you won’t tarnish the impression you’ve already left on me.” I said with utterly false sincerity. I was going to judge the fuck out of Twilight, but that doesn’t mean I had to be so cruel as to tell her what I thought. It may have been a lie, but it was for the greater good or some shit.

She chewed her lip. “...Do you swear to keep it a secret?”

“Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye. The needle is optional, you can use whatever sharp instrument you desire after my demise.”

“...Max said that was a lot more brutal in your world.” She shook her head. “I just sort of realized that I think of Spike as a little brother, but he started out as a… Well, you have to understand that I hatched him from an egg! I raised him until he could walk on two legs, and I knew that he would learn to talk, but it was just easier to see him as a- a pet!” Twilight confessed. “I just feel so terrible for thinking of him as a lesser creature all this time!”

I crossed my arms and gave her a stern look. “Did it stop you from providing for him or looking after him? Did it stop you from caring for him and thinking of him as a brother? Did it stop you from loving him?”

Twilight was taken aback by my tone. “W-Well, n-no…”

“Then why are you beating yourself up over something that hasn’t been a problem? Yes it's bad that you kinda thought of Spike as a pet, but I don’t think you’re the type of gal who is just going to dwell on it without doing anything, are you?”

“I-I don’t know!”

I rolled my eyes. “Come on sweetie, take a deep breath and stop panicking. Think.”

Twilight looked straight into my eyes and followed my instructions. “I’m being so hard on myself because I love Spike, and I hate that I let myself think of my number one assistant as pet on any level for any period of time.” She clenched her fist. “And you’re right!” “I’m not going to let it get me down, and I’m going to start making sure that Spike has what he needs to develop into a healthy stallion!”

I took both of Twilight’s hands in my own and gave her a thousand watt smile. “Brilliant! I hope you know that I’m ready to lend a hand in whatever way I can, just name it!” I may have been overdoing it a notch, but I had decided that I was going to do some good for my friends while I was Roxy.

It had become more than just a prank to me. In my first two days, I had grown quite close to the girls all over again, learned some interesting secrets, found out what they really thought of me, and fucked Fluttershy in a different body, all of which I considered quite the net positive. Two days, and I had made more progress than I had in an entire month. I tried to look at the possible reason, but it twinged a bit to face the truth. My sex and my blunt honesty had roughly forged out a lasting friendship with the girls, but, in certain ways, a single fucking day as Roxy had made me privy to so many aspects of the girl’s lives that I had been completely unaware of that I could argue against myself for hours about which version of myself could manage to form a better bond over time. As Max, they knew me as a prickly, yet generous and thoughtful guy, but as Roxy, I had painted myself as a supportive influence with a different take on their lives, though I had a foul mouth on occasion. With practice, I could iron it out, but that just added to the issue. I had made Roxy in a way that would allow me to befriend and help them, but I’d had no idea that I would be accepted so quickly. Roxy was a good friend who didn’t take things personally, who didn’t take jokes too far, who was keen to have fun, and was one of the girls already. Max, on the other hand, was ‘insufferable’ half the time, and took too many things to heart. I was working on the joke thing, but I never actually went out and did anything with all of the girls like I had as Roxy. I’d spent time with each of them individually, but the only times I’d had them all together was when there was bad news, and I needed to change that.

No, I couldn’t allow Roxy to be just a prank. She would become one of my most closely guarded secrets, and I would ask Celestia and Luna to keep it hush hush themselves. I’ve already said that I believed this to be an opportunity to help my friends, but it was also an opportunity to learn how to be a better one in kind. While that meant that I was going to be considerably faker as a person, I didn’t (and still don’t) really care what I was going to do in the future, but I did hope that through making life slightly better for my friends, I might find some sort of passion. For all the smiles and laughs I had faked since I’d become female, it did stir something within me, and that feeling was addictive. I’d already gotten so used to the neutral calm that had come after killing Adolf that life had gotten bland, which was the reason I hadn’t just holed up in my house after sending notes to all of the girls explaining away a week’s absence. When I looked at the big picture, I saw that this was a pretty devious way of becoming the better man I’d once wanted to be.

I would say that it’s dishonorable to lie to your friends, create a whole other identity, and use what you learned through dishonest means to alter the way you treated them, but then I would argue that the ends justify the means when it comes to making someone else’s life better, even if it’s only during the time they spend in your company. Obviously, I leaned toward the more altruistic route since I remembered that I had morals.

I was in deep thought for an awkward amount of time. Twilight had resorted to waving a hand in front of my face to get my attention, and I started, my face flushing after being so engrossed in my own mind.

“Sorry! I just get so caught up in my head, it’s like I just wander off sometimes.”

Twilight touched my arm and gave me a reassuring smile. “Trust me when I say it’s fine. It happens to me all the time when I think of something important. Care to share?”

I bit my lip and twisted my thoughts around to make it sound good, using truth to give it that tell tale ring. “I was just thinking about how nice you and the girls have been to me, despite me being a near stranger. I… It’s just been an amazing, eye opening affair. I just know that I’ll remember these days for the rest of my life.” I looked out over Ponyville and drew a single tear for dramatic effect.

Twilight rushed over and hugged me tightly. “I’ll never forget you, Roxy! I don’t know how long we’ll have you, but I hope that you’re happy while you’re here!”

I hugged her back, but a piece of me ached a little knowing that Roxy wouldn’t be around long. However, I was fine with helping Twilight find a proper mentor. My first thought was Onyx Lock since he wasn’t fucking retarded like most of the other males in Ponyville, but I settled for asking if there were any brothers in the group that might be willing to give Spike some positive influence. ‘Max’ was on the list of possible role models, but since ‘Max’ was absent, it would have to wait until ‘he’ returned, though Twilight was pretty unsure about what ‘Max’ could do that Macintosh couldn’t, but she gave in when I argued that it would be best for Spike to have as many influences as possible. I had to be careful about how I set things up for myself, but it was only a little short term planning, and I could keep an eye on things for the next five days, just in case something goes screwy. It felt so odd that only two days had passed, seeing as how it felt like a week already.

Twilight and I got things squared away, so we went back inside to give Spike the good news. I told her that we would leave out the part about her thinking of him as a pet because that would just needlessly hurt Spike, and that was pretty much the exact opposite of what we were trying to do. Instead of bitching at me about how that was a lie by omission, Twilight went along with it like I had just told her the sky was blue, and I couldn’t help but feel a little irritated that, as Roxy, my words were taken correctly and some of the missteps I make to help people were ignored. Salt. Salt life as fuck.

I ignored my rising salinity levels and focused on finding Spike. Twilight and I each asked a few of the girls, but no one knew where he disappeared to. Of course I knew where Spike’s favorite nap spot was, but I couldn’t expose him in good faith. The guy had already gone a few years without Twilight’s dad to provide some guidance for him; a few more days wouldn’t hurt too much.

That pleasant little thought disappeared while I was in the loo. I was having a seat when a gout of green flame scared the shit of me, and a letter dropped on my lap. I opened it as one tends to do with letters and notes that are in an envelope and I was suddenly very happy that I had been in private when I had gotten it.

The note reads as follows: “Dear Max. Hey dude, it’s Spike. I know that it’s been awhile since we hung out, but I miss you. I never really thought about how much I liked having you around and after the thing with Rarity…”

He’d scratched through some words, making them illegible. He picked up a little further down the page. “I forgave you for throwing a rock at me, and I wasn’t ever really all that mad at you in the first place, but I was just so upset that I didn’t have a shot with Rarity, that I took it out on you, and that was unfair of me. You were just trying to help me out, but I had to meet someone to help me see that. I think you know Roxxie-” I looked at his note and scrunched my face up. That’s not how you spell it. “-already, but I don’t think you two got to spend much time together. I don’t really know her that well, but she kinda reminds me of you, but nicer.”

Spike had scribbled some more things out, making the page look like it was a classified document. I rolled my eyes and read on. “Look, I’m not good with words like Twilight, it’s just never been my thing. I just wanted to say… I don’t know. I guess I kinda look up to you. I mean, I don’t think you’re awesome like Rainbow, but you’re still cool, and you’re not smart like Twilight, but you’re still pretty knowledgeable about a lot of stuff. You just are who you are, and I admire that, dude. I wish I had the confidence to just be me, but I… I never feel like I’m good enough. It always feels like there’s somepony better than me, so I just feel so useless… But you… You always come out on top, dude. I just… I don’t know. Can we talk when you get back? I know you’re on business, so you must be busy, but I need to talk to a guy.”

Spike had blacked out another line and just ended his letter. My dragonfire was at my house, so I couldn’t very well send a message to him now, but I wanted to get a response to him as soon as possible. I finished up in the loo and excused myself from Twilight’s house. After a quick little walk back to my house, I got a note jotted down for Spike and sent it along with a letter explaining my plans to Celestia. She sent me back a confirmation and a picture of a smiley face which was code for her approving my actions, despite not having the time to give me actual praise. I didn’t see the smiley face often.

Since I didn’t have anything to do after I sent my notes, I went back to Twilight’s house to find that Rarity and Fluttershy were still there, though they left just as I came. I gave Rarity a hug when she passed, but Fluttershy dodged me entirely. I rather wished that she hadn’t done that, seeing as how it meant that I was going to have to have a touchy feely talk with her now, but at least it was another chance to do some good, at least. Optimism in the face of tedium never lasts long, and within the few minutes that it took for me to find Twilight, all of it was gone.

I sat and talked to Twilight for a while longer to see if she had put anymore thought into our plans for Spike. As it turned out, she did, and those plans involved me. Twilight wanted either myself or Applejack to supervise Spike’s time under Macintosh’s, Mr. Cake’s, or ‘Max’s’ care.

I fixed Twilight with a stern look. “That’s not going to work out, sweetie. I know you’d like to keep Spike under watch so you can keep him safe and see his progress, but the nature of what we’re doing just won’t allow for a female to be directly involved or to even really be around. Men find it easier to express themselves when they’re alone with each other. That’s when the cracks start to spread and you get to the good stuff.”

Twilight pursed her lips. “I don’t really know much about what guys do when they’re not around, so I’m kinda leaning on your expertise here, but I don’t even know where your information is coming from.”

I switched tactics and gave Twilight a reassuring smile. “It’s coming from my brother and my dad. Before I started developing, I spent most of my time with them, so in a way, I’m kinda split between the woman I know I should be and the man I spent my childhood being raised toward.”

Twilight’s heart went to her chest and she smiled. “That’s good to hear-”

“My mild identity crisis is good news?” I chuckled.

She blushed hard and waved her hands about. “T-That’s not what I meant!”

“I know, sweetie. I’m just messing with you. Please, continue.”

Twilight stuck her tongue out at me adorably. “As I was saying, I’m glad that you have experience in the field, though I didn’t think about the repercussions you’d be facing because of it. It must be hard, thinking like a stallion, yet being interested in them.”

I gave her an odd look. “Who said I was interested in men? I’m a lesbian.”

Twilight blushed brightly. “Oh.”

Things suddenly got awkward when Twilight decided for herself that I was going to jump her bones out of nowhere. Her body language closed off over the course of a few seconds, though I doubted she was even aware of it.

“Look, Twilight, just because I’m gay doesn’t mean that you have to be worried. You don’t give me the vibe, so I’m not exactly going to come after you if I know you aren’t interested.”

“N-No! That’s not it, it’s just that… Well…”

“Take your time, sweetie.” Fucking homophobe.

Twilight took a calming breath. “Thank you. It’s just that it's surprising is all. I know that Rarity and Applejack can tell from a glance, but I just have so much trouble, and I don’t want to offend ponies by making assumptions.”

I shrugged. “It doesn’t bother me at all, but you might just want to leave out any gender specifics if that’s what you’re worried about. Words like ‘them’ and ‘dude’ are pretty androgynous, so they’re safe if you don’t want to offend anyone.”

She smiled. “Thank you! That will make meeting new people a little easier!”

I nodded. “No problem. Should we get back on track now? We were talking about my experience in the field of men.”

“Right! I was just curious since you seemed to know so much, especially for not being one.”

I spread my hands. “There you have it. I don’t think having Applejack and I watch over Spike during his lessons is a good idea, but I would be glad to take him aside and go fishing with him or something. I don’t know what that would accomplish for him, but it was a pretty common bonding activity back in England.”

“That sounds kinda boring…” Twilight said.

“It is, but I don’t have any clothes for sports, and I don’t know enough people to get two teams together. What does Spike even like to do?”

“Well, he likes to read comics, nap, walk, spend time in his head…” Twilight thought for a little bit. “Beyond that, there isn’t much. Spike used to help Rarity out whenever she asked, but I don’t know if he liked doing any of the things she had him do.”

“I’m pretty sure that he helped her out because he had a crush on her.”

“Was it that obvious?”

“No, he told me that Max told him that Rarity wasn’t interested, so I just put the pieces together. I swear, Twilight. You need less attractive friends.” I grinned.

She tilted her head. “What do you mean by that?”

“I mean that Spike still has a bit of a crush on Rarity and that he has a new crush on me, I think.”

“Wait, what makes you think that Spike likes you?”

“Well, when he actually took the time to look me in the eye, his jaw dropped and he started blushing, so if that isn’t a sign, then I’ve been flying blind this entire time.”

“...It sounds so obvious when you say it like that. If that’s what a crush looks like, then I’ve seen it happen with Rarity once or twice. Or a few times.”

“I wouldn’t doubt it, sweetie.” I got up from the bed. “It’s been great talking with you, Twilight, but I need to go to sleep before I wear myself out.”

Twilight got up and gave me a hug. “Of course, you still haven’t been to sleep since before the slumber party, right?”

I hugged her back. “Actually, it’s probably been about two or three days since I’ve slept. I’m quite woozy at the moment”

“You know I can teleport you back home, right?”

I took a moment to think about that. “I don’t know if I’m okay with that, actually. I mean, I know magic is commonplace here, but it’s something I’ll have to have more experience with before I trust it.”

“Well, if you don’t trust magic, then you can trust me!” Twilight said, beaming. “I won’t let you down, Roxy and I’ll prove that magic is safe, in the right hands, that is.”

I sighed inwardly, but I wore a smile on my face. “Then let’s try it! Whenever you’re ready, Twilight!”

Her horn glowed, and one soft pop later, I was back in my living room.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

After catching up my journals and getting something to eat, I settled down on the couch with Lupa and soaked up the sweet, sweet silence. I had been bored enough earlier that I wanted nothing more than to talk to, but now, I wanted nothing more than what I had. A nice, quiet night with my overgrown dog. It was nice, not having to open my mouth to do anything other than sigh

I slept long and hard, only waking up after I had someone knock on the goddamn door for like, five minutes straight. I threw on a robe, didn’t bother with my hair, and went to go see who was trying to see me.

I opened the door and there stood someone buttery. “Hello, Fluttershy. Care to come in?”

“I-If you don’t mind.” She said with a little smile.

I stepped out of the way and claimed my easy chair as my own since thinking that someone was going to recognize me because of my seat choice is stupid. Once we got settled, I spoke first. “So what brings you over? I can’t imagine that I’m magnetically cute.”

Fluttershy blushed. “D-Don’t say that! You’re really cute!”

“Thank you Fluttershy, but if we were to stand next to each other holding up a sign that says ‘Available’, you’d get picked every time.” I told her with a grin.

“That’s not true!”

I shrugged. “You’re probably right. Different strokes for different folks and all that. Is my lack of self esteem why you’re here?”

She clasped her hands together. “W-Well, no… I wanted to talk about what happened at the slumber party…”

I figured as much. “Then let’s talk. I had fun.”

“S-So did I, it’s just that… Well, I was just wondering…”

I didn’t want to dig myself into a hole, so I waited patiently, but she never finished. “You were wondering…?” I asked.

Fluttershy took a deep breath. “I was wondering if you would mind doing it again sometime!” She whisper-shouted.

I blinked. “Are you asking me to be your friend with benefits?”

She lit up bright red. “W-W-Well…”

“Then yes. Sounds like fun to me.” I smiled at her. “Breath easy, sweetie, no need to stress.”

Fluttershy wiped her forehead with the back of her hand. “Right. Thank you Roxy!”

Better thank me, you limp tongued waffle. “Thank you, Fluttershy. I think I might be getting the best of of the deal here.”

“What do you mean?” She asked, befuddled.

“I mean you’re a perfect ten, and I’m like, a six on a particularly good day with makeup and a nice, skimpy dress. And some tissue in the bra, but I know A-cups that get around as B-cups just fine, and no one ever says anything to them.” I crossed my arms.

“Oh, you shouldn’t say such bad things about yourself! Is that what ponies say to you?”

“In England? Yeah, some people say that kinda stuff to me, but it’s not like it’s untrue. I look at myself realistically, sweetie. I know I’m not the best, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy being me. You think I’m getting down on myself, but I’m just keeping my ego in check since I don’t have my buddies around to knock me off my high horse.”

“...Your friends tear you down like that?”

I thought about it for a moment. Back in England, that was the case. My friends and I were constantly insulting each other in one way or another, granted that my sample size was small. Even the original Max and I had traded barbs just for the Hell of it when the night ran long.

“Well... Yeah.” I answered. “That’s just what friends did.”

“That’s terrible. How could you say things like that to ponies you like?”

“Because we know we don’t really mean it. It’s a bit of a social grace to be able to tell when someone’s messing with you.”

“But why insult each other at all? Why not just be nice?”

I shrugged and spread my hands. “That’s just not how Humans work, sweetie.”

Fluttershy shook her head. “It just doesn’t make any sense to me, but at least I know for sure that Max was telling the truth about your world.”

“Anything else you want to confirm?”

“W-Well, no, but I was wondering if you wanted to… Well…”

Fluttershy wasn’t any better the second time around, but c’est la vie and all that. We did spend a lot of time doing some very fun cuddling, however, and the shower was the first place she actually got me off, so yay! At seven, Fluttershy invited me to go with her to the spa the next day and I wanted nothing more than to say no, but the look she gave me while we were entwined in each other’s arms was hard to deny, so I was roped into doing some shit that I really didn’t feel like doing. On the bright side, Celestia had sent me a carefully worded note that told me she’d done what I’d asked, and that was a plus. With any luck, Spike wouldn’t go full retard and reply like I’d asked him not to, and with more luck, Rainbow would put together a tornado that only rips the town’s spa from the earth.

Fluttershy took her leave around sunset and Lupa went along with her, favoring the squishy one over the asshole. I wasn’t surprised, though I did wish that she’d at least said something instead of just walking away with Fluttershy. Fucking bitch. All alone, I caught my journals up, finished the Midnight Stroll book, and had some watered down wine. Unfortunately, I didn’t water it down enough, so I ended up in my bedroom instead of the guest room. It was an inconsequential mistake, but it bothered me a little that I slipped up.

My writing had gone on until about four in the morning, so waking up at seven pissed me off somewhat. I didn’t even wake up for any particular reason, just sat up in my bed and went to the guest room to laze around for a while longer. After an hour of faffing about, I showered, brushed the annoying mass of tangles that is my hair until it shone, and picked out a violet blouse and some denim capris. I looked and the mirror and wondered about the outfit, but couldn’t decide if I looked retarded or not. Fucking Christ, I was becoming more stereotypically feminine by the second.

I changed the shirt for a camisole and cardigan combo, and that was it. I kept the capris, and I didn’t even look through any more of my bags to see if I could find a better outfit because I considered myself above it. I was glad that I had passed the halfway mark at that point.

Once I was done with that psychotic episode, I went to go meet Fluttershy and Rarity so I could experience another. I wasn’t looking forward to the trip and was really just trying to get the day over with, but Rarity and Fluttershy wanted to make a day of it. I wasn’t complaining about that part as much as going to the spa in the first place. Either way, We met up at Rarity’s to go. They were waiting on me when I got there, so I was forced to wait while they poured me a cup of tea and filled me in on what they had been talking about. When they realized that I was just sipping tea and looking at them because I had no idea what the fuck they were on about, Rarity caught some sense and changed the topic.

“So, Roxy. Fluttershy tells me you’ve never been to the spa before!”

“Yep, that’s true. I guess I’ve never really felt the need to go.”

“Simply preposterous!” She exclaimed. “I’m so glad that Fluttershy and I could help you find the joys of being pampered!”

I couldn’t help but blanch. “Yeah, sounds great.”

Fluttershy sensed my reluctance. “Don’t worry, Roxy! My first time was a little scary, but I’ve enjoyed it ever since! Just relax and let the nice mares take care of you.”

I nodded, but I felt the points on my man card run out. It had taken so many hit, been through so much femininity, but it finally crapped out when it came to getting pampered. My eyes watered from the weight of losing years of work, from puberty to present, but I held them back bravely. I couldn’t let them see me suffer, I wouldn’t be so weak! I felt some rise up in my chest and my breasts felt firmer.

I had another point on my man card, and it was glowing brilliantly. My tears disappeared and I was back in action! Fluttershy and Rarity were just looking at me, still waiting for me to say something.

“Oh! Sorry girls, I was thinking about the spa. Let’s get a move on, shall we?” I said with a smile.

They bought it hook, line, and sinker, so we took care of our dishes and left. They clucked the entire way to the spa and I was expected to respond to something every so often. I made my interest seem genuine enough to get me by, but I was dreading the ordeal on the inside. When we got there, everything seemed very clean and strangely symmetrical, though you could see certain differences in taste, like how there was a tall, skinny tree on one side and a much smaller bonsai on a pedestal. I followed Fluttershy and Rarity closely and we were met by a pair of twins named Lotus and Aloe. Lotus was the turquoise one with a pink mane and Aloe was her exact opposite. They seemed nice enough, and I was somewhat relieved to learn that they would be taking care of us. I had expected there to be some burly, cheap rip off of the Russian guy from Rocky IV, but so far, he was nowhere to be seen. Lotus lead us to a changing room where we were to change into some robes that were provided. I stripped, though I waited to see if Fluttershy or Rarity were going to take the rest off. Both of them did, so I followed suit, struggling to hang on to that one last point. I was so far out of my comfort zone that I had to take a breath and relax, reminding myself that it would only bother me if I let it, so I tried to go back to my usual none-fuck-giving policy.

I failed.

With my robe secured and my heart unsteady, we followed Lotus from the changing room the massage table where there Aloe was waiting with a cheap rip off of the Russian guy from Rocky IV, but as a Pony. I stopped in my tracks and was nearly left behind until Rarity realized I wasn’t following.

“Roxy, darling, are you coming?”” She asked casually.

“Which one is mine?” I responded numbly.

Rarity and Fluttershy switched their attention to Lotus. “Well, I usually take Fluttershy and Aloe usually takes Rarity. Does Dolphin Leap make you uncomfortable, because I assure you, he is nothing but professional.”

I blinked a couple times. “I’m just wondering what caused me to be here at this exact moment, in this exact place. I’m wondering what choices I’ve made that have brought me to this particular point in my life. It’s like a rare moment of crystal clear clarity.”

Fluttershy traded a look with Rarity. “...Are you okay?”

“No, dying on the inside in ways you can’t imagine. Let’s stop stalling and have some fun, shall we?” I asked with a modest smile.

“You're acting strange Roxy, are you sure you’re fine? You don’t have to go through with this if you don’t want to.” Rarity said.

Well, she was right. I could bitch out and remain a man, or I could cost myself the only chance I would ever get to go to the spa with my friends. I hated the correct choice.

“Just some jitters, sweetie, nothing to worry about. Let’s get on with it, yeah?”

“If you say so dear. Just try to relax, I know you’ll love it!”

She was wrong of course, but I found the strength to keep up the facade, despite having a couple close calls. I felt like I was betraying who I was at the very core of my being by allowing strangers to do what they wanted to me while I was defenseless, and more than once during the massage, I nearly choked the guy massaging me. It happened so often, that he got spooked and asked to trade clients with Aloe during a break. If that isn’t why Aloe was suddenly my caretaker, then I don’t know what. I felt a little bad about being so defensive with the guy, but I was on a knife’s edge. I don’t know why the spa was the straw that broke the camel’s back, but it was and I was in panic mode during most of the visit, so I don’t remember all that much of it. After massage, I was comfortably numb to the ordeal, which made me wonder what that meant for my mental status. It was probably nothing good, but it had gotten me through the worst part of the day, so I can’t be all that upset about it, though it did mean that I didn’t ‘check back in’ until I was doing some clothes shopping with Rarity and Fluttershy. It felt as if I had been living underwater and that I had suddenly surfaced out of nowhere. I was rather disoriented, and ended up falling.

“Roxy! Are you okay?” Fluttershy asked, running to my side.

“Where the Hell are we?” I asked, looking around. I was calming down quickly, but I still didn’t really know how we had gotten here.

“We-We’re in Radiant Raiments, don’t you remember? We came here after we stopped by Sugarcube Corner, you got a strawberry milkshake-”

“What? I hate strawberries with a passion.” I replied, confused. It was true, I was never terribly fond of strawberries, so it made no sense.

Fluttershy gave me an odd look. “...You said it was your favorite.”

I just looked at her for another moment. “I might just be going insane. Give me a hand up, will you?”

Fluttershy helped me get to my feet and Rarity joined us. “What happened? Is everypony okay?”

“I just had a dizzy spell is all. Nothing to be worried about.”

“That’s not what you said! You said you didn’t remember Sugarcube corner!” Fluttershy said indignantly.

“I’m fine, love, really I am. I’m just a bit worn out. Maybe we could find somewhere to rest for a bit?”

Fluttershy narrowed her eyes. “I’ve never heard you say ‘love’ before.” Well shit

I shook my head. “You’ve only known me four days, Fluttershy. I used to say ‘love’ until here recently.”

She didn’t seem to be appeased quite yet, but she shut up anyways, so that was nice. We ended up going to Rarity’s house since it was closest, and once we sat down around her kitchen table, she prepared some tea that I gratefully accepted with a shaky hand.

“So really, Roxy, what’s going on?” Rarity asked when she sat down.

“I just… I kinda ‘woke up’ in Radiant Raiments.” I said. “It was like I was in a dream until then.”

“...Darling, what’s the last thing you remember?”

“...When that Dolphin Leap guy traded with Aloe?” I offered meekly.

“Roxy, that was almost four hours ago.” Fluttershy said in hushed tones.

“Well, isn’t that just lovely. I can be me while asleep on my feet. Handy skill, right?” I tried smiling, but I was deeply disturbed. I think the spa broke me for a little bit.

They looked at each other briefly. When they turned back to me, Rarity said, “I think we should have Twilight have a look at you.”

“I think you should go to a hospital, Roxy, what if it’s serious!?” Fluttershy gasped.

I pursed my lips and looked at them. “It was just a little breakdown, seriously. I’ll be okay, it was just certain stimulus that triggered it.”

“What could have caused you to black out, but keep walking for four hours?” Rarity asked incredulously. “Is there a certain trigger or something?”

“I think I’ve read about something like this in one of Twilight’s medical books before!” She turned to Rarity. “Do you remember when Mr. Foxy nearly got eaten, but couldn’t remember anything about it?”

Rarity looked at her blankly. “Of course, darling.”

“I think Roxy might be experiencing the same thing, but what could have been that scary?” Fluttershy pondered.

Rarity lifted a finger to her chin. “Why, the only thing I can think of is when… Roxy started acting strange before the massage.” She turned her attention toward me and I gave her an unsure grin. “Roxy… Did the spa cause this?”

“Okay, so I may have been a little modest about how I feel towards the spa.” I pinched my fingers together and left the tiniest bit of space between them.

Fluttershy’s hand went to her mouth. “Oh my gosh, Roxy, I’m so sorry! I-I knew you didn’t really want to -I still pushed you!”

“It’s alright, I’m fine. I’m sure it wasn’t that bad, and if it got me this far, why are we complaining? I was acting normal up until the store, so I don’t think it’s really that much of a problem.”

Rarity came over and put a hand on my shoulder. “Are you sure you’re alright darling? Is there anything we can do?”

“I’m just a little startled, I’ll be fine as long as you two keep me company for a while longer.” I said with a weak smile. I actually wanted to be left alone so I could go to sleep, but I could suffer through some conversation for a good cup of tea.

I tried Raritea and it was pretty good. After adding a dollop of cream, it was even better, though Rarity and Fluttershy had never heard of the practice. I offered to let them each taste my cup and they found it to their liking, so they did the same to their own. From what I could see on an average Equestrian map, Equestria and it’s neighbor Gryphonia formed a continent that looked an awful lot like Northern America, so it didn’t surprise me that the analogues of Americans didn’t know how to enjoy good black tea.

We chatted for an hour and I eventually got the tremors to cease their nonsense, but Rarity and Fluttershy weren’t done with me yet. Rarity moved us into her living room and showed off a few of her newest creations. I tried using my heightened perception to notice things that I could compliment, but I only succeeded on every other dress, but I did compliment them as honestly as I could if that was any consolation. Still, I couldn’t wait to leave, but as I tried to take my leave with Fluttershy, Rarity held me back.

“Roxy, May I speak to you for a moment?” She asked informally.

“Of course, Rarity. What do you need?”

“Do you mind if we took this to my room? It won’t be long, but I’d like a little privacy.”

I withheld my desire to look around the shop. We were the only ones there. “Lead the way.”

I followed Rarity to her room, which was clean and orderly. It was also rather large, extravagant, and from the looks of the massive vanity in the corner, a little decadent. She had a seat on her bed and I followed soon after.

Once we were both comfy, Rarity said, “The reason I’ve asked you here is because I know that it’s most likely been a very difficult transition, and I wanted you to know that I’m here for you. All of us are here for you, Roxy.”

“Thank you Rarity. I can’t say it's been easy, coming to an alien world, but it’s been an experience like no other, and I’m grateful for that. I won’t forget the days I’ve spent here any time soon, but I don’t know how I could ever tell anyone about it! People would think I’m utterly insane!”

“That does sound like quite the burden, but… Are you sure, Roxy? Are you sure you want to go back?” She asked cautiously.

Well that was unexpected. “What do you mean, Rarity?”

“Well, it’s just that I believe we’ve become friends over the time you’ve spent here, and I know you’ve got another home to go to, but…” Rarity started to tear up. I hadn’t been expecting this. “I don’t know why Max chose to stay, but I was rather hoping you found the same reason.”

“Rarity, sweetie, I’ve loved my time here so much, and I’ll enjoy every moment of it while I’m here, but I want to go home sometime. I want to see my old friends, even if they weren’t that great. I want to walk down my street and see my neighbors, and I miss the shakes from the shop down the street, and the way the supermarket smells. I want to see my parents and my brother again,” My voice cracked, but I didn’t do it on purpose. “I miss my home, Rarity. I might be welcome here, but I don’t belong here.”

She leaped over the bed and hugged me tightly. “Oh darling, I never knew you carried such a terrible burden! You poor thing, you must be struggling so hard, but I haven’t seen it until today! Oh Roxy, I’m so sorry!”

I hugged her back and calmed down a bit. I’d hit too close to home.. “Don’t worry, Rarity. I’m a tough one, and with you girls, I know I can take it.” I grabbed her arms and pulled back a little, though I didn’t leave much space between us for dramatic effect. “Being with you girls makes me happier than I’ve been in a long time, and I know that as long as I keep my memories of you, I’ll be happy back home too.”

Rarity lost her composure and embraced me in a teary hug once more and I rolled my eyes. That had been sappy as fuck, but it had created a fond memory for Rarity, so I couldn’t be too upset. I did feel guilty about ripping Roxy out of their lives, but I guess they would get over it. I left from Rarity’s and got back home without having a mental lapse. Lupa was asleep on the couch, so I caught my journals up and joined her in dreamland shortly after.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next morning, I awoke to find a note from Luna, telling me to contact her if I ever wanted to get started on helping her with dreams. She even offered to pay me a commission for every night I helped her, so I responded, telling her that I would be up for some lessons when my punishment was over. I got up, did my new morning routine and fed Lupa and myself. From there I plopped down in my easy chair and waited for nothing to happen. It was a constant battle since nothing was constantly happening, meaning that I wasn’t waiting anymore, but when nothing came, I did nothing so nothing happened, which was exactly what I was waiting for.

Do you see the issue here?

While I was entertaining myself in the most family friendly way I knew possible, some one was at my door. When I opened said door, I found Gilda the Gryphon.

“What’s up, Gilda?” I asked.

“Not much, just bored. I saw you come here the other day and I figured this was where you lived.”

“Yeah, that’s not super creepy or anything. Not at all.”

“Just shut up, will ya? I gotta go to this stupid party thing and Rainbow Dash hasn’t showed up yet. You’re the third coolest thing in town, so I figured you wouldn’t making some lames look lamer with me.”

“Bitch, I’m the coolest thing on this side of the planet, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I smirked. “Lupa! We’re leaving.”

Lupa huffed and trotted to meet us at the door. Our little trio of predators made its way into town and it gave me plenty of time to remember just why I didn’t like Gilda. I Was hoping that whatever this party business was, that it would get her to chill out with her primary school bully schtick. It was old when I’d met her, and it was ancient now, but I still walked along with her because I wanted to see what kind of bullshit she was planning on pulling.

Apparently, Gilda had walked me straight into a party. A Pinkie Party. I groaned when I saw the decorations and Lupa deserted me posthaste, but I quickly put a brave face on when Pinkie herself approached me.

“Hi Roxy, Hi Gilda!” She said brightly. “I’m so glad you could make it!”

“Hello Pinkie. Nice party.” I said.

Gilda tsked and I cut her a glare. “So Pinkie. What’s the occasion?”

“We’re welcoming Gilda to Ponyville!”

“That’s nice of you, sweetie. Who all is here?” I asked.

“Well, out of our immediate friends, Fluttershy and R-”

A blue blur came in from the other room. “Hey! Gilda, Roxy! Glad you guys found the time to show up!” Rainbow Dash said, crossing her arms.

“Chill out, Rainbow, it’s cool to show up late.” Gilda preened.

“I didn’t know there was a party, so…” I trailed off.

“Whatever, it’s all good. Why don’t you guys go around and have some fun?” Rainbow said with a snicker. No one else seemed to notice.

“Yeah! Make yourselves at home!” Pinkie added.

I wandered around with Gilda for a moment, but saw Fluttershy and Twilight waving at me from across the room while scanning for more friends. I ditched Gilda so she could get some vanilla lemon drops and said hi.

“R-Roxy, why are you hanging out with… Her?” Fluttershy asked nervously.

“Well, at the moment, I really just wanted to see what she was going to do. I’ll handle her if she gets out of line or anything, so don’t fret for a moment.”

“...What do you mean by ‘handle’? Twilight asked cautiously.

“I mean I’ll talk her down, see if I can get her to leave or something. Why do you ask?”

“Well, whenever Max says that he’ll handle something…” Twilight began.

“I-It’s pretty much a fifty fifty shot on whether or not he’ll make things worse.”

“Seventy five, twenty five.” Twilight corrected. That almost hurt my feelings.

We were interrupted by Gilda shouting about her mouth being on fire, and that was just the beginning. I went back to her side, though Twilight and Fluttershy opted to find a wall and stick near it. While I was with Gilda, things got fucking great. Immediately after the hot lemon drop, she got hit with the old dribble glass prank. Rainbow had a laugh while Gilda went to go find something she could actually drink. After that, she opened a present that contained the springy little snakes that pop out at you, and she didn’t look terribly amused. Before she could slow down, she got hit with two more minor pranks that she took way too seriously.

The party continued on for a little bit and it seemed like Gilda was in the clear. I was getting bored of her being mean to people because she could be, but no one had felt the need to retaliate in the slightest, so I was happy enough to let people think she was a twat. She toned it down when Rainbow was around, but the second the technicolor pegasus was off to go do something else, she was right back at it. I wondered if Fluttershy was just scared of her because of her reputation, or if Gilda had actually done something to her. If it was the latter, then I would warm up my bitch smackin’ hand.

Unfortunately, the party went south for Gilda quite quickly. She got hit with just about every trick in the book from relighting candles to the old whoopie cushion. I’d given up following her around for my chuckles and started hanging further back, watching Gilda just generally be a twat to everyone. How Rainbow Dash was actually friends with her, I’ll never know, but I suppose bullies always have that one cool person they stick around so that people don’t immediately hate them. It wasn’t working very well for Gilda since she was really just making a fool of herself.

I kept a close eye on her and made sure to keep myself between Twilight, Fluttershy, and Gilda. I’d noticed that Applejack was hovering near Rarity and Rainbow, doing the same thing I was doing. She noticed me noticing her and we gave each other a curt nod before turning our gazes back to Gilda who looked like she was ready to rip someone’s head off. I decided to forego that tragic accident and stepped in to have a word with her.

“Oi! Gilda, you okay, sweetie?” I asked once I got to a decent distance.

“No! These stupid ponies and their hatchling pranks are pissing me off!” She shouted. Bitch was mad for no real reason.

“Take it easy! Just a bunch of harmless, childish pranks, mate. That’s all there is to it. I bet if you sit back and let someone else do something first, you’ll see them get pranked. You’ve just been extremely unlucky so far.” She’d actually just been a childish twat, but who was I to tell her that?

Gilda took a breath and huffed. “Yeah, well, I guess dude.”

“Right? Sit back, chill out, and let’s just enjoy some half decent shit that’s unnecessarily sweet.” I reasoned.

“I was meaning to ask about that. Why is everything here so sweet? I can barely even get something to eat in town, I have to go hunt all the time!”

Nearby chatter stopped and Gilda gathered stares from just about every Pony there. I performed a quick sweep and saw that Twilight and Applejack were already on their way to help if need be, so I focused on downplaying the hunting thing.

“Yeah, trying to find the right thing is pretty crucial for picky eaters. I know Ponyville doesn’t have much of a selection, but I’m sure you’ve found something.” I said a little more loudly than the conversation needed. Gilda picked up on it, but she didn’t realize what I was trying to say, so I leaned in and whispered, “The Ponies here will be terrified of you if they know you’re a predator, and I don’t know if Dash is cool with that either. Just keep it low-key for now so you don’t freak them out”

Gilda scoffed, but she did what I asked for the most part. I took her around the party and introduced her to some of my friends in hopes that their general cheery bullshit would help assuage her rage, but my plan did not work out at all. I took her to Applejack first because I knew the farmgirl had a thicker skin than anyone else, but I didn’t really account for her severe dislike for Gilda already. I was later told that Gilda had indeed made Fluttershy cry earlier, but that fact was known by all the girls at this point. I got no help from Applejack and nearly had to step between them before a fight started. I knew that Gilda respected me, but it wasn’t going to last long on just words alone much longer, if the current situation was anything to go by. I decided that Applejack could use some time to cool down, so I steered Gilda over to Twilight. Fluttershy had been sticking closeby up until Gilda and I started approaching them, and once she saw us making a beeline towards herself and Twilight, she was quick to extricate herself from the situation and disappear into the crowd. I’d thought that was quite odd at the time, but never paid that much attention to it.

I should have done. What Gilda and I said to each other really doesn’t bear repeating, but I would like it to be known that she insulted Twilight five times before I let loose. One can only allow another to go so far before they get too prickly too close to home, and Gilda had done just that. Rainbow Dash came in to see what was going on about halfway in and was wearing a pretty intense frown by the end of it. When Gilda got ready to storm off, she tried to take Rainbow with her, but Rainbow told her off. It was sappy as fuck, but it was also cute in a gross way. Gilda left after Rainbow Dash bravely defended her friends from the bully and the party continued. Twilight apologized to Pinkie for something and I got hugs from all the girls for yelling at Gilda for a little bit, so that was nice.

The party ended and I helped Pinkie and the rest of the girls clean up the aftermath. There had been plenty to do, but between the seven of us, it didn’t take long, and we even had a few holdovers from town that helped out too, so we got done pretty quickly, leaving plenty of time in the day to find something else to do. It was already day five, so I wanted to see if I could branch out a little and get closer to Pinkie, Rainbow, and Applejack since I hadn’t been able to get to them one on one. As it turned out, Applejack wanted to talk to me too and did so after the party while accompanying Rainbow Dash. Two birds, one stone.

I saw them approaching me, so I set the broom I had been using down. “Wotcher, girls. What’s up?”

“Howdy Roxy. How’d ya like the party?” Applejack asked.

“It could have gone a bit smoother, but it was a good one. I’m still not terribly fond of parties, though.” I said evenly

“Well, parties might not be your scene, but I’m glad you came! If I’d known Gilda was such a jerk, I never would have brought her around.” Rainbow huffed.

“Take it easy, Rainbow, you don’t know what that girl’s story is. There’s something that made her the way she is, and you should take that into consideration.” I reasoned.

“I don’t think you were too focused on ‘takin’ it into consideration’ when ya let loose on her!” Applejack chuckled. “Woo! The last time I heard a shoutin’ match like that, Max was ready to swing!”

“Dude, Max and Roxy get mad in the same way! Their accents get really thick and they get reeeeally loud.” Rainbow Dash stated.

“Hardy har har. I’m not exactly thrilled about losing my cool there, girls.”

Applejack patted my shoulder. “I thought so. It just means you’re ready when push comes to shove, sugarcube.”

I nodded. “That’s right, but it doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it. What if I’d hurt Gilda or something?”

Rainbow scoffed. “It would take a lot to leave a mark on Gilda. I’ve only beat her a few times when we wrestled, and I’m pretty sure she let me win at least twice.”

“How many times have you won?” I asked.

“I don't think that’s the important part here!” She said quickly. “What’s really important is that you stood up for Twilight and showed me that I shouldn’t assume that the ponies I was friends with in school are the same ponies now!”

“Right, wrap it up in a nice little Aesop.” I gave her a smile.

“I don’t know what that is, but sure!” Rainbow responded.

I looked around and saw that the girls were getting the last of the streamers taken down, and that was about it for clean up. “Hey, do you two wanna grab a drink after this? I’ve spent so much time with Fluttershy, Rarity and Twilight, but I haven’t gotten to know you girls or Pinkie very much.”

“I’m game!” Rainbow said excitedly.

“Count me in, too. Wanna go grab Pinkie and see if she wants to come?” Applejack asked.

“...How well does she handle alcohol?” I asked tentatively.

“Bout as well as Rainbow to be honest with ya, and Rainbow’s done after a few mugs of hard cider.” Applejack said, giving Rainbow the side eye.

“How many times do I have to apologize for your couch!?” Rainbow exclaimed.

“Until I forget about it!”

I chuckled. “You’ll have to tell me that story when we get to the pub. Let’s grab Pinkie and get a move on, yeah?”

We added Pinkie to our merry little band and bid Twilight, Fluttershy, and Rarity goodnight. I’d asked if any of them wanted to go for a few rounds, but Twilight wanted to review the plans for Spike one more time before she put it into action, Rarity didn’t like pubs, and we’d have to drag Fluttershy back home by her tail, so we couldn’t do too much there. I guess it was the perfect activity to get the people I hadn’t talked to in one place.

Since I wasn’t trying to get laid this time, I actually had a chance to sit down and talk with Applejack while Pinkie and Rainbow went off to go get creamed in billiards. Applejack and I spoke on just about everything ranging from family to responsibility to personal tastes in significant others. I had gotten deep with Applejack before, but I had never seen the side of her that she was presenting over a mug of iffy beer. Again, I was a little perturbed that all it had taken to get closer to my friends was having a vagina, but I wrote it off as ‘Roxy’ and ‘Max’ just being too different for me to expect them to be treated the same. I could have read deeper into it, but I’m not one to go looking for something to be upset about, even if I was slowly conforming to stupid stereotypes.

I tried having a meaningful conversation with Rainbow, but she was too much of a lightweight, and by the time I had wrapped things up with Applejack, Rainbow was ready to be thrown in bed, which only left Pinkie.

Never try to talk to Pinkie.

When we left, Pinkie was barely ambulatory and Rainbow was a little too drunk for walking, so Applejack gave her a piggyback ride and threatened to brand Rainbow if she puked on her. When Pinkie stumbled one too many times, I offered her the same punishment before carrying her off to Sugarcube Corner. Applejack and I had decided that we would move in a group so we could talk a little longer.

We dropped Pinkie off first since she actually lived in town, so we ended up carrying Rainbow back to Sweet Apple Acres, switching every so often so neither of us was bearing the load while the other fucked off. In all honesty, Applejack could have carried Pinkie and Rainbow to wherever the fuck she felt like, but I guess she was taking it easy for the time being. Once we arrived at Applejack’s house, she invited me in and we continued our little party of two until dawn came. It had been some time since I drank until the Sun rose, but I was glad that I had done it with Applejack. She was my best friend for a reason, after all.

Applejack had the day off, so instead of checking in now, she stayed up with me and we sipped cider on the front porch until the Sun was well and truly up. We’d talked the entire time, but it was different from the conversations at the slumber party. I guess I was feeling more receptive now, but either way, spending time with Applejack was always a worthwhile venture.

I was going to leave around eight, but Applejack wanted to hang out some more, so I stuck around while she got her morning ritual done. After she was fresh and ready to tackle her day, we went back to my house and I did the same. I had Applejack walk me around town because why not, and we talked some more then too. It was getting easier to understand how women talked all the time, but I still couldn’t understand how they remembered all the nitty gritty details. Shit just didn’t make sense to me.

Once I got my outfit for the day picked out (a royal blue button up and some jeans), We took a stroll around Ponyville and saw some periwinkle mare with an off white mane putting up posters on just about every available space. Two of the town’s young men were following her around, practically dogging her heels, which I found to be both distasteful and desperate. I mean, Hell, it’s not like the woman was as pretty or Rarity or Fluttershy, and they were acting like she was the only action in town. I pondered for a moment if I might be envious, but then I realized that I was just projecting more stereotypes, so I knocked my shit off and told Applejack what I thought about the two dudes practically stalking the poor woman. She let me know that it was a pretty common thing for the younger stallions and mares to become enamoured with people from outside of town. I asked why I didn’t have any followers, but Applejack didn’t really have an explanation. I, however, knew that it was because I wasn’t a Pony. Seriously, this small town was already racist as fuck and just about as sexist half the time.

Those were thoughts that I did not share with Applejack, which is probably why we kept hanging out. It was noon by the time we’d made our third circuit around town, and we both desired a change of scenery and some refreshments, so we stopped by the liquor store and looked around for something that sounded good. I found something called ‘The Local Special’ that had a tiny snake swimming around in the jar. Applejack told me a little bit of the history behind the Local Special, stating that it was a long standing tradition for the patriarch of the Apple Family to make it. Applejack may have known how to make it, but she wasn’t going to tell me any time soon, though she did explain how to make her namesake should I ever be in need of a drink and only have apples on hand.

I ended up going with the snake-shine, so Applejack got to pick whether or not we’d drink it straight or make something from it. I wasn’t exactly a bartender, so my first suggestion was screwdrivers. It was a pretty tame first choice, but Applejack had something else in mind. We went back into the liquor store after her little epiphany and the woman at the counter, a certain Berry Punch, lead us into the back of her shop when Applejack knocked six times in a peculiar pattern on her counter. Once we were in the back, it was like AA Hell. Or a drunk’s heaven, whichever you like. Either way, there were shelves upon shelves of booze, and my mouth watered as I passed some of the various wines that were not on display outside. There were things that made no sense that I wanted to try, like passion fruit bourbon and dark chocolate light beer, but we weren’t here for any of the things I happened to glance at. No, Berry Punch and Applejack knew exactly where we were going.

Thinking back on it, the liquor store wasn’t large enough to hold everything within the back doors. In fact, there was no way that this place complied with the laws of physics, and had I noticed that earlier, my expectations would have probably been much closer to the actual result. In any case, we three drunks came to a rather intimidating metal door after a little bit and Berry Punch pulled out a key. Wordlessly, she went in alone and came out with a bag that seemed to be leather that was a bit larger than my hand. The leather was kinda creepy since I knew that the ponies detested hurting other living creatures, so I was paying close attention when Berry Punch passed the bottle over to Applejack. The clerk turned gatekeeper made her way back to the front of the shop with us trailing behind, and I dropped way too much cash on the one tiny bottle.

My shekels. My poor shekels. I might be rich, but that doesn’t mean I’m a fucking Saudi Arabian or something. I’m not going to just go and blow money because I felt like it, and the only reason I did this time is because Applejack vouched for it, and it wasn’t supposed to be my money anyways. Still, my mind was spitting some dark things while my face was a mask, covering my fiscal pain.

I thought it was funny that my general frugality had remained unchanged, but I was still mortified.

During my bout of pouting, I had suggested that we go back to ‘Max’s house’ to enjoy our purchase, and Applejack lead the way. She wouldn’t let me see what was in the bag the entire way there, so I figured that she’d wanted it to be a surprise. I don’t like surprises. They piss me off. In any case, I had to be patient during the trip, so I filled the gaps in my soul with some more conversation. I tried to weasel some information out of Applejack about what was in the bag, but she was like a steel trap, only smiling when she started to answer with pertinent information. I had to give her credit, though. Few enough of the ponies could withhold information from me if I was willing to put forth some effort, though I was restricted to indirect, polite methods instead of the moderate tactics I usually used. However, I doubt that I would have been able to get anything from Applejack anyways. She wasn’t easily intimidated, she was stronger than me, and the only thing I could think of that would work against her would be seduction or telekinesis, neither of which I thought were terribly fair.

I was busy with thinking of ways to crack an Apple when we arrived at my place. Lupa was nowhere to be seen, so I assumed that she was at Fluttershy’s, which meant that Applejack and I had the house to ourselves. She knew where I kept my crystal, so Applejack grabbed a couple of tumblers and some ice, then lead me to my back porch. I had a seat on the swing because I was quite fond of it, so Applejack joined me.

“So, sugarcube. Are ya ready for the surprise?” She asked coyly.

“I’ve been ready since Berry Punch opened the door to the back! Show me what we’re working with, sister!”

Applejack slowly opened the bag and revealed a decanter full of what appeared to be a liquid rainbow. The bottle itself was a lightning bolt with an apple stem on the top, and the label was walking a fine line between simple and ornate. The decals were of various kinds of fruit trees, which was simple enough, but upon closer inspection, you could make out every detail of the leaves and the bark of the wood, and the most detailed tree was the one at the top of the circular label. It bore a singular rainbow striped apple that looked somewhere between poisonous and delicious. I wasn’t in the mood to die again, especially at Applejack’s hands, but I still gave her a smile.

“What’s this called?” I asked.

“It’s called Zap Applejack. This is somethin’ that only the matriarch of the Apple Family can make. Right now, Granny Smith is the only one who can make it, but I’m next in line!” She grinned. “I wanted to share this with you because I don’t think any of the other girls can handle it. You’ve been keepin’ pace with me all night, so I think you should be good.” Her voice had taken on a bit of an odd inflection and her eyes wouldn’t meet mine, but I trusted Applejack enough that I was sure to be fine.

“Pour us some already! I can’t wait to try your Grandma’s special reserve!”

Applejack poured mine first, then hers. We made a toast to friendship, and, oddly enough, honesty, which I thought was a bit of an oddity until I remembered that it was Applejack’s Element. I sipped my drink slowly, and once it touched my tongue, I couldn’t help but smile. It was a nice, smooth liquor that went down very easily, and it tasted like every apple I’d ever had and then some, but it wasn’t terribly specific about any of the flavors. I caught different notes of different things here and there, but I figured that a Pony would be able to appreciate its flavor better than I could due to my status as an omnivore.

“This stuff might be a little dangerous, Applejack. What’s the proof on this?” I asked with a grin.

The fake modesty in her body language was obvious. “Oh, you know. It ain’t nothin’ too impressive.”

“Applejack~” I sang. I hadn’t intended on doing that.

“It might be a little up there.” She said with a sly grin. “How does one-ninety-two sound to you?”

“...Isn’t the highest alcohol can go one ninety?”

“You’ve never had Zap Apple Jack. The Zap Apples make it taste good and go down easy, so it’s perfect for a casual drink, but it’s even better if you want to get to where you’re goin’ quickly without the hangover that comes with rotgut.”

“...We’re going to finish the bottle, aren’t we?”

“Oh yeah. No doubt.”

Applejack and I traded a look before downing the contents of our glasses.

“Is it my turn to pour?” I asked.

Applejack gestured for me to go ahead, so I did. From the two shots that I’d had, I was already beginning to feel the effects, though it was different from what usually came along with alcohol for me. I passed her glass back to her and held my own for a moment.

“Say, Applejack, you’ve had this before, right?”

“Only once, and I got in plenty of trouble for sneakin’ it.” She said with a chuckle. “I think I already told ya the story about how Big Mac and I snuck into Granny’s liquor cabinet and got caught, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, you did! You said it was ‘a hide tannin’ that I’ll never forget! I was just asking because it feels a bit strange is all.”

Applejack quickly averted her gaze. “Yeah, that’s normal! It’s just the Zap Apples workin’ their magic!”

That was suspicious as Hell, but I still believed that Applejack wouldn’t steer me wrong. “Good, for a second I thought I might be getting poisoned or something!” I grinned.

Applejack sipped her drink. “I wouldn’t poison nopony!”

“You say that now, but I’m just waiting for you to give someone a certain apple that makes them fall into a deep sleep.” Damn, I should have kept the blue vial.

“Again, I wouldn’t do that to somepony!” She shook her head, smiling.

I gave her some more hell, but I stopped before I started getting irritating. Once I’d shut up and finished my second glass, Applejack started bombarding me with questions.

“Hey Roxy, where did you say you were from again?”

I had to check my memory for a split second. “Liverpool. It’s a larger town in England, but it still has a small town kinda vibe in certain spots.”

My tongue felt weird and my head started to ache slightly, so I waved Applejack off when she tried to pour me a third glass.

“What’s wrong, sugarcube. Can’t handle your liquor?” She asked teasingly.

“No, just feeling a bit out of it all of a sudden.” I replied, feeling my forehead.

“Do you mind if I ask a few more questions, then?”

“No, not really. Fire away.” I answered immediately.

“Alright. So what was it like, bein’ with Fluttershy? I know y’all had to hook up sometime.”

Before I could censor myself, I started blurting things out. “Fluttershy’s not the best I’ve ever had, but she tries, so I can’t be upset. I’ve actually spent some quality time with her twice now, though the only time she actually got me off was in the shower. I can’t say I’m satisfied with what’s gone on so far, but I think she’ll be more fun if we get her some more experience.” My hand slowly rose to cover my mouth. I hadn’t intended on saying any of that.

Applejack lifted her brows. “Uh huh. I’m just gonna keep that little tidbit to myself, if ya don’t mind.”

“Yeah, please do. That’s not something I wanted anyone to know.” I said, stunned.

“I guess alcohol brings out the honesty in everypony.” She chuckled awkwardly.

“Applejack, are there any extra effects that I should be aware of?” I asked cautiously.

“Nope, not really.” She said too quickly.

“Applejack. Please don’t lie to me.” I said softly.

“Well, there might be one little thing. I’ll tell ya if I can ask you two more questions.”

I mulled it over and bit my lip. “Fine, but I’m not exactly happy with you right now.”

Applejack tipped her hat to me. “Sorry about that, but I don’t think it’ll really matter too much if you’ve been honest with us.”

Fucking shit. I avoided squaring my jaw and tried to keep myself under control. “Ask your questions.” I said evenly.

Applejack pursed her lips. “Fine. The first one is if you know where Max-”

“I don’t know where he is.” I spat before she could finish her question. My head pounded and I blinked back tears.

“Now don’t you lie to me, Roxy. I know you’ve been hidin’ somethin’ from us, and I intend on finding it out!” She said back with steel in her voice.

“This is so underhanded, Applejack. I’ve never been so disappointed in you!” I snarled.

“You’ve only known me six days, Roxy. Unless there’s somethin’ you wanna say?”

I clenched my mouth shut and trembled. Applejack was going to fuck everything I had worked towards up til now, and for what? I hadn’t been mean or nasty to anyone besides Gilda, and she’d deserved it plenty.

“Why are you doing this?” I said through clenched teeth. “I thought we were friends!”

“We are, sugarcube, and I know it hurts right now, but you can’t sit there and tell me that you’ve been honest with everypony anyways!”

“I’m lying to protect you right now, Applejack! If you uncover the truth, you’ll hurt the girls more than you’ll ever hurt me! Please don’t do this!” I pleaded. I hoped that the desperation of the meek would save me, but I was wrong.

“I’m sorry, Roxy, but this is just how its gotta be. Where is Max?”

“He’s- Max is here” I said. The pounding in my head lessened and I could breathe a bit more easily.

Applejack set her jaw and glared at me. “What.”

“Max will be back the day after tomorrow!” I said quickly. “He’s perfectly fine!”

I stared her in the eyes as I said it, and nothing happened.The headache went away completely and now Applejack was just staring at me, confused.

“If he’s here and he’s fine, then why ain’t he around?”

“He is, you just haven’t seen him.” It's not really a lie, so I guess I'm good

“What do you mean by that?” She asked.

“I mean that Max is okay, and that I won’t do anything to hurt the girls! Cross my heart and hope to die, just stop asking questions!”

Applejack stared at me and pursed her lips. After a loaded silence, she said, “Fine, but I got one more. Answer that, and you can be as mad as ya want.”

“How about I don’t answer it and just not be mad? I’m still willing to forgive you if you stop now, Applejack. It’s not too late!” I tried.

“You might be willin’ to forgive me now, but that don’t mean nothin’ when it comes to lyin’ to my friends. Our friends.” She scoffed. “Who are you, Roxy? Who are you really?”

My mouth opened and I forced it back down with a wet click. Then I noticed that I wasn’t tasting as much as I used to.

I had bitten my fucking tongue off.

I spat the tip of my tongue out into my hand along with no small amount of blood. I kinda just sat and stared at it for a moment before I started to feel faint. I stood up slowly and spat the blood that had pooled in my mouth onto the shoe of a horrified Applejack before heading inside to put my tongue on ice and head to the hospital. After a minute fumbling around with the ice tray, Applejack came in and helped me without a word. Once we had my tongue properly chilled, we made the journey to the hospital as quick as I could and got someone to stick my tongue back on with magic.

I stayed in the hospital for three more hours so the nurses could monitor how my tongue was taking to the magic, but due to my healing factor and good care, I had been ready to leave after the first hour. I was pretty keen to get going since Applejack had taken up the seat next to my hospital bed. I was plenty pissed at her, and she knew it., though Applejack was still upset with me. It took a lot not to break something off of her with my telekinesis, but that would have been justified and whatever son of a bitch writes my life doesn’t like to let me have nice things, so I stayed my hand.

It was a very quiet three hours at the hospital, and when I was discharged, I left without a word to Applejack, though she was still following me around. I made my first stop the hardware store where I picked up the heaviest thing that would fit in my hand and threw it at her, smacking her dead in the forehead. While Applejack was busy dealing with the minor concussion I had probably given her, I fucked off and went to Fluttershy’s because of the calming effect just being at her house usually had on me.

Luckily, Fluttershy was home, and once she got some tea ready, she asked, “What brings you over, Roxy?”

“I had a figh wif Appleyack.” I said. The doctor had told me that it would take a normal person about three more days to get the full use of their tongue back, so I figured I only had a few more hours.

“Oh no! What did you two fight about?” Fluttershy asked, concerned.

I sighed. “Appleyack doughd I wath-” I rolled my eyes at how retarded I sounded, so I asked for a pen and some paper. After Fluttershy brought it out, I was careful to change up my handwriting and wrote, “Applejack thinks I’ve been lying to you girls. Honestly? I have, but it would never affect you in any way shape or form, so I don’t think it’s a big deal. I’m not hiding anything about my character, just about where I’m from and minor stuff like that, but that’s just because I’m paranoid about those kinds of things. I would never hurt you girls, I promise you that.”

Fluttershy read what I had wrote and gave me a worried look. “I trust you, but that worries me, Roxy.”

I put my hand on hers and took the paper back from her, writing, “It shouldn’t,but I understand.” I gave her a sad smile

“So what happened? Did Applejack hit you?” She asked nervously.

“No. Applejack slipped me some kind of truth potion that made my head hurt like no other when I didn’t tell the whole truth. The last question she asked, my mouth opened automatically and when I forced it shut, I bit my tongue off. That’s why I sound funny.”

Fluttershy had moved to stand behind me and was reading as I wrote. She gasped at the first line, but when she reached the second, I felt her hand grip my shoulder, so I turned around and saw that she was pretty pissed.

“Where is she.” Fluttershy spat.

I started writing quickly. “I already threw something heavy at her as punishment, Flutters. This is between me and Applejack, so don’t you go getting involved. We’re all friends here! (:”

“We might be friends, but drugging a pony that trusts you isn’t very friendly. We’re going to go have a little talk with Applejack.” Fluttershy said with steel in her voice.

I tried to talk, or rather, write her out of her fury, but Fluttershy was having none of my shit, so I ended up following her to Rarity’s boutique. It was a very quiet, very quick walk due to Fluttershy walking so fast she was almost jogging, though I kept pace pretty decently in my book. Once we arrived at Rarity’s we waited while she took care of a customer.

Once she was finished, Rarity came over with a thousand watt smile. “Roxy, Flutter-” She stopped when she got a proper look at Fluttershy. “Alright, what’s going on?”

“Applejack tried to force information out of Roxy and ended up making her bite her tongue off.” Fluttershy stated icily.

Rarity froze for a moment, her face turning to stone. “Are you serious?” She asked, devoid of her usual aristocratic accent.

Fluttershy nodded and I held up the papers that explained what happened to Rarity. Once she’d read through them, she said, “You know, Roxy. Right now, even knowing that you haven’t been completely honest with us, I still trust you far more than Applejack right now. No matter what, you do not drug a friend.” She spat.

“I say we let Applejack know that she’s crossed a line.” Fluttershy muttered darkly.

“Indeed. I believe our orange friend needs to learn the proper etiquette for dealing with peaceful ponies.” Rarity replied just as darkly.

“Ow we coud gnod do dad.” I offered.

“Please, Roxy, be patient. I’m sure you’re upset with Applejack, but we must be civil about this.” Rarity huffed.

“As civil as she was with Roxy?” Fluttershy asked.

That was the point where I stood in front of the door and made the writing gesture over and over again. It didn’t take Rarity long to get me a marker and some paper, on which I wrote, “We are not retaliating any further against Applejack!” I underlined it to make sure my point was clear. “We will not turn on our friend, no matter what!”

Now, I may have still been mad about Applejack slipping me a mickey, but she was still my best friend and I honestly did understand the notice behind her actions. I didn’t forgive her for what she had done, but that didn’t mean that I had run to Fluttershy to get her in trouble or to ruin a friendship. I’d just wanted some support and comfort after the incident, not to drag Applejack’s name through the dirt.

Rarity and Fluttershy read my sign and exchanged a look. “Fine. We won’t retaliate, but we are going to talk to her.” Rarity said.

“That’s fine.” I jotted down, smiling. Rarity and Fluttershy winced, so I closed my mouth and wrote, “What’s wrong?”

“You’re teeth are stained red.” Fluttershy said, setting her jaw.

Rarity said nothing, but she did move me with her magic so that she and Fluttershy could get out the door. They read the signs that I wrote the entire way the the Treebrary, but it didn’t give them much pause. They would stop for a moment, read it, and then walk on as if nothing had happened. It was flattering that they were so willing to go to war for me, but I hadn’t been trying to start bullshit, and that seemed to be the way they were going with this. Once we got to Twilight’s, Spike let us in, though he dodged the fuck out of Rarity and Fluttershy once he saw their demeanor.

Once they’d passed, he asked, “What’s wrong with Fluttershy and Rarity?”

“Dey’we mad becauth of Appleyack, and thath’s all you need do know wighd now.”

“...Does it have anything to do with why you’re talking funny?”

“Yeth.”

“Okay then. Have fun being mad?”

“I’m nod ath mad ath Fludduhthy and Wawity.”

He lifted his brow, pursed his lips, and nodded like he totally believed me. “I totally believe you.”

I rolled my eyes and went to go catch up with them. Rarity and Fluttershy were explaining my side of the story to Twilight, so I stopped them before they could turn Twilight against Applejack and showed her the note I had written. Twilight was a much faster reader than her friends, so I just handed her the relevant papers and waited for her to finish, and I was content with the result. Though Twilight seemed upset by the news, she didn’t seem to want to go after Applejack like Fluttershy and Rarity had.

“Maybe Applejack can explain herself?” Twilight said uneasily.

“Oh, I would love to hear whatever excuse she has.” Rarity spat.

I placed a hand on her arm and gave her a meaningful look. “Wawity…”

I never realized how hard it was to take someone with a lisp seriously until that moment when Rarity ignored the fuck out of me, so I tried Twilight. Neatly, I wrote, “You’re with me on this, right Twilight? I just wanted to vent a little, not damage the friendship you girls have.”

Twilight nodded. “I’m with you. I’m curious about what exactly you’ve been lying about, but I trust you enough to say that it’s probably not important.” She smiled at me and I gave her one in return before I could remember about my bloodstained teeth.

Twilight stopped smiling. “Okay, seeing the after effects makes me a little bit upset.”

I gave her a look and she raised her hands. “I’m still with you, Roxy, but it’s a little upsetting that Applejack would do something like this to you, regardless of her reasons.”

I wrote back, “I know, but you girls are still friends, so we owe it to her to hear her out. May I remind everyone that I already threw a hammer at her?”

Fluttershy responded first. “How did you even get a hammer at a hospital?”

“It wasn’t at the hospital,” I wrote, “it was at the hardware store. She stayed with me while I was in the hospital and followed me for a while after discharge. Then I threw a hammer at her.”

“So you retaliated because Applejack was stalking you? Sounds like you were in the right.” Fluttershy huffed.

Twilight spread her hands. “Slow down, Fluttershy, I’m sure that Applejack was just trying to see if Roxy was okay!”

I snapped and pointed at Twilight, nodding. “See? Roxy agrees with me! Why don’t we be good friends to Roxy and respect her wishes?”

Rarity and Fluttershy traded a look. “Twilight, do you remember the time that one brown stallion came into town?” Fluttershy asked.

“The tall, handsome fellow that mares were swarming around all day?” Rarity continued.

“Remember how he broke Rarity’s heart?” Fluttershy asked, leaning in a bit.

“And do you remember what we did to him for messing with me?” Rarity added.

Twilight pursed her lips and glanced at me. “I thought you said we were never going to talk about that again.”

“But you remember, right Twilight?” Rarity asked again.

“I do…” She responded slowly.

“Why would we not react in the same way when one of our friends is physically injured?” Fluttershy asked. “It’s only fair.” She added innocently.

My tongue was feeling a bit better, so I tried to speak again. “It’th not fair. I’m athking you ath a fwiend to not go after Applejack.” I looked between Fluttershy and Rarity. “Pleathe.”

“She made you bite your tongue off.”

I gave up speaking and grabbed my paper again, writing, “She almost killed Max. Were you there for him like you are for me?”

The girls were silent for a minute. They looked between each other, though surprisingly, Fluttershy was the spokesperson. “No, we weren’t. That’s… That’s a big part of the reason we’re so upset, because now Applejack has hurt two ponies who haven’t done anything to her, and it’s all been over the same bucking thing!” Fluttershy slammed her fist into the table, making me jump. The only time I saw that same fire in her eyes was... Well, never. Not even when she argued was Fluttershy so determined.

“I know Applejack’s Element is Honesty, but my Element is Kindness, and you don’t see me going around beating ponies half to death, or drugging them so they’ll tell secrets they don’t want to share so they’ll be nice! You don’t see anypony but her actually causing real, physical harm to ponies, and I’m tired of it!” Tears we streaming from her eyes at this point, so I placed my hand on her fist, and Twilight and Rarity each took a shoulder.

“We all agreed that we would be better friends if we ever had someone come into the group like Max did, and here you are, our second chance. A chance to treat a human like a friend like we should have been doing, but then Applejack just has to know the truth! She’s gets so focused on protecting everypony like we’re her foals or something, and then she does such terrible things! Honestly?” She wiped her eyes and stilled her quivering lip. “We got so lucky with Max. We got so incredibly lucky to have someone as understanding and as kind as him to be our friend, because I doubt that any other Pony or person would stayed as long as he has, and I don’t want to see you turning out like he is because of our world.” The tears came back with a vengeance, so I got up and hugged her, though I was soon joined by the other two women.

I had never even thought about how Applejack’s actions affected the girls. I had never really put much thought into how they saw me up until now. I’d thought that they’d been taking my patience, forgiveness, friendship for granted for some time now, but that was before Fluttershy spilled her heart to me. For the first time in a while, an honest to goodness flood of tears broke down my emotional damn I may have lost the last point on my man card. To sum things up, it got really sappy really fast, though in the midst of my tears, one thing Fluttershy had said stood out to me. I found it worrisome that Fluttershy thought that I was turning out badly, but then I thought about it and realized that I hadn’t really shown her much good since I had been back from the Everfree or Gryphonia, and I had hidden everything that happened in Gryphonia from them. I may not have been able to tell them the truth about that, but there was one thing I could come clean about.

Once we finished being mushy and shit, I had Twilight have Spike send a note to Pinkie, Rainbow, and Applejack. Once that was done, the three of them started asking me why I’d called a group meeting, but all I told them was that ‘it was time for the truth’.

Rainbow and Pinkie arrived together, but Applejack was nowhere to be seen after an hour, so I told the girls that I was going for a quick walk to organize everything I wanted to say. I stepped out the door and immediately went around back to where I had figured Applejack was hiding.

“OI!” I called out.

Applejack jumped and froze when she saw me, so I approached her. “You know, we’re all waiting for you inside, sweetie.”

She touched the lump on her forehead that I’d caused. “I-I can’t go in there…”

I rolled my eyes and stopped just inside of arms reach, and when Applejack tried to flinch away, I lost the small amount of patience I was working with, walked around behind her, and started dragging her into the house by her tail. For some odd reason, if you grab a citizen of Equus’ tail they’re pretty much harmless until you let go. I don’t know why that is, but I was making use of it now. Applejack just whimpered and tried to dig her heels in, but it was as easy as tugging a petulant five year old along. Don’t think it’s easy? Try not caring about whether or not they can or will keep up; things get so much simpler.

Dragging her up the stairs was a bit more troublesome, though we still got through it by the power of friendship, and by the time I dragged Applejack in she had accepted her defeat at my hands. I guided her over to the kitchen and waved at the girls as we came in. Applejack tried to cover her face with her hat out of shame, but Rarity levitated it off, leaving Applejack in a state that could be considered nude in America.

“Alright girls. We’re all here, my tongue is working just fine, and there’s tea in the kettle. Let’s rip this band-aid off nice and quick so I can tell Applejack that she sucks sometimes, but she’s usually okay.” I announced. Turning to Applejack, I said, “So we’ve already established that I’m not who I say I am, but we’ve also learned for sure that I don’t plan on hurting anyone, so would you like to start by apologizing to me, or to the girls?”

Applejack chuckled nervously. “I-I guess I should start with the pony I hurt?”

I was the only one who showed her any kind of support besides Twilight. The rest of the girls were quite visibly upset. “Go on.” Twilight said neutrally.

“R-Roxy, I’m just sorry somethin’ awful! I never meant to hurt ya, I was just tryin’ to protect our friends from gettin’ hurt!”

“Great job there, AJ. You really outdid yourself.” Rainbow spat.

The orange mare tried to make herself a bit smaller, but she was still the second tallest person in the room. “Yeah… I messed up pretty bad…”

“You sure did sweetie, but that lump on your head tells me that I already got even for the tongue bit, so as long as you let that heal naturally without magic, we’re fine enough, but don’t think I’m going to let you keep hurting me. Seriously, I thought you learned your lesson after the first time.” I hinted.

“There was another incident!?” Fluttershy whispered menacingly.

“Hush, poppet, no need to worry about that right now. Applejack has another apology to get through.”

Brows lifted when I said that, but Applejack knew exactly what I was talking about. “Girls… I’m sorry I let ya down. I know we had our promise-”

“Damn straight we had a promise!” Rainbow shouted. “If you can't even keep yourself honest, how do you expect other ponies to accept you trying to keep them honest!?”

“Rainbow.” I said softly.

Applejack slunk down further in her seat. “That’s right! Try and hide all over again, just like you did with Max, but it won’t change anything!” Rainbow tiraded.

“Rainbow Dash.” I said more firmly

“What makes you think you’re the police around here, Applejack? What makes you think you can keep going around and-”

“Rainbow fucking Dash!” I shouted, baring my teeth. “This is not how we talk to our friends. We listen. We consider. Then we judge. In. That. Order.”

Rainbow stared at me wide eyed, and most of the girls followed suit. I had gotten louder with Dash than I had Gilda, but that’s mostly because I wanted her attention.

I coughed a couple times. “Does anyone oppose what I said? We all would want our friends to listen to us, right? Especially if we’re willing to admit that we did something wrong, and especially if they have the courage to face us after fucking up.” I scanned the table and saw nods from everyone except Applejack Rainbow. Both of them were ashamed, which was the fuck mothering point.

It fell silent once more and I turned my attention to Applejack. “So you were saying? About the promise?”

“...I don’t think anypony wants to hear what I have to say right now…”

I tenderly laid a hand on Applejack’s shoulder. “I want to hear what you have to say, love.”

She gave me an odd look. “Don’t you usually say sweetie?”

“Different pet names for different moments.” I shrugged. “It’ll all be on the table by the end of the night, so stop stalling and explain yourself.”

Applejack gulped and cast a furtive glance around the table. Twilight, Pinkie and I were the only ones not trying to drill holes into her head with our eyes, so she focused on Twilight who was at the opposite end of the table. “Well… I-I just thought that if I could get ya the Zap Applejack and get ya talkin’ that you wouldn’t notice…”

“Didn’t I notice after the first question you asked?” I inquired. “Why didn’t you stop then?”

“I didn’t know for sure that you did notice…”

“I asked you to stop multiple times.”

Applejack hung her head. “I’m sorry…”

I squeezed her shoulder. “I believe you, firefly.”

Applejack’s head whipped to face me, eyes eyes wide. “What did you just call me?”

“Applejack, you really have no room to be getting upset.” Rarity chided flatly.

“Oh, she’s not upset,” I said with a bright smile.

Applejack just stared at me. “There's only one pony that calls me that... No way…”

“Blame Celestia, but don’t ruin the surprise for anyone else just yet, okay?”

She nodded silently and just stared at a wall for a little bit. “Alrighty. So now we’re getting to the fun bit. Applejack, my conditions for me to forgive you still stands and-” I saw Fluttershy’s face as she put it together, “it looks like Fluttershy comes in second!”

She put her hand to her mouth, so I forestalled her words with a finger to my lips. I winked at her and said, “Ah ah ah, not quite yet. I’ll explain everything in a bit, okay?”

She nodded dumbly while I looked around. Pinkie Pie probably already knew, so I gave her a wink, but Rainbow, Twilight and Rarity were still completely lost.

“You’ve got plenty of information to work with, girls. So answer me when I ask ‘Who am I?” I grinned deviously and waited, but Twilight and Rarity just shook their heads while Rainbow looked like she was about to have an episode.

After waiting for them to figure it out for way too long, I gave up. “Alright, you guys need to work on your detective skills. I’m Max, and honestly, you should have figured that out when I disappeared the same day Roxy showed up.”

Jaws hit the floor. Apparently Applejack had been the only one to really guess my true identity because Pinkie and Fluttershy’s jaws were nearing the floor alongside their friend’s. I may have preened a bit.

Twilight suddenly smacked her fist into her palm. “Princess Celestia used a gender reversal spell!”

“Right-o. The mission I took that kept me away for a month was actually against her direct, explicit orders to me, but I was the only one who could do it, so I didn’t have much of a choice. Since Celestia’s a sadist beyond all others, she changed me into a girl, played dressup with me, got between my legs, and then told me that I was going to be spending a week as a girl to punish me for doing her entire goddamn country a favor.” I scoffed.

“Celestia changed your form to punish you?” Twilight asked.

“Yup.” I responded eloquently.

“...Do you even comprehend how illegal that is?” She asked softly, her eyes going wider than they had been. “That is a Tartarus level offense Roxy.”

I chewed on that for a moment. “So what are we going to do about it? I could never seek vengeance against Celestia because I love her, and you’re not going to because she’s your teacher.”

Twilight’s horn lit up and she walked off to go do… something. I waited for her to come before I started explaining my reasoning for not just telling them my true identity, but she never came. Instead, a tall white mare with a long pointy horn and a pastel rainbow for a mane came through the door that Twilight had taken her leave from.

Celestia was here, and she did not look happy.

Five snaps later and all of the girls were face down on the table. Celestia approached me with a gait that was far more appropriate for a predator than for an herbivore, but when she went to snap her fingers, I caught her hand in my telekinesis. Her horn began to light up, so I increased the pressure on her hand.

“Don’t you dare, Celestia. I can see your horn glowing, and I will make sure you never use that hand again.” I bluffed.

She stopped in place and glared at me. “What happened to keeping secrets, Max? I thought you were supposed to be good at that.”

“That was before Fluttershy told me that they were trying to be better friends because of what happened with me.”

“So what? You couldn’t keep your mouth shut about this one thing!?” She protested.

“You’re the one who broke your own damn laws, Celestia! Leave the girls out of this!” I argued.

“Look, it was wrong of me to transform you, but I honestly thought that it would be something interesting for you! I wasn’t actually trying to punish you!”

“That’s bullshit and you know it! You’re still mad that I went to Gryphonia again!”

“Alright, so I might still be a little upset!” She tried to shrug, but I still had her hand in a vice.

“Celestia, do you even understand how fucking childish it was to involve damn near all of my friends in your little punishment? Did you even realize how life changing this could be?”

Her chest heaved and she bit her lip. “I’m not about to let you turn this around on me-”

“Fucking bullshit! Just admit that you didn’t think! It’s okay!”

Celestia grit her teeth and snarled. “I am a leader. I have lived for nearly four thousand years! I. Do. Not. Make. Mistakes.”

“Is your God complex that intense?” I asked, shaking my head. “Dear Lord, Celestia, you’re just a person! I know you’ve had to learn that you can’t influence everything at some point!”

“Do you think I don’t know that!? Do you think I want to be this way!? Max, I am so entrenched in the world’s affairs that it would bucking collapse if I just washed my hooves with it! What do you think that feels like? If I’m not in control, then this country and most of this world go straight down the drain, Max. I need to be in control because it’s the safest possible-”

I let her hand go and she stopped mid sentence. She took it in the other and we just looked at each other for a minute.

I had nothing to say. My heart hurt so fiercely that I couldn’t bear to remain in the same house as her. Seeing her corruption in person had hit me hard. Obviously I’d already known that as both an ancient being and a leader, that she would have done some terrible things in her time. Hell, I had done a terrible thing for her, so yeah, I wasn’t surprised. I was just… It never occurred to me that Celestia would control my life too, that she would interfere so deeply at her own whim. Having seen her just casually walk in and start knocking people out, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that Celestia had done something before and wiped it from my mind. If it weren’t for the telekinesis and my newly begotten insight into the female mind, I wouldn’t be surprised to find that Celestia had done something worse before.

After a brief stint to collect myself outside, I slowly walked into the Treebrary, just in case Celestia was going to try and sneak me. Once I cleared the doorway, I threw a quick glance in the important directions and listened. There were two sounds that caught my attention; heavy snoring and soft weeping. I opted to go comfort the person crying despite my basest instincts telling me that continuing such a poisonous relationship was going to get me killed. Sometimes love makes you do the most retarded fucking things. Sometimes love sends you to Cloud 9 and lets you party for days on end.

Fuck me for falling in love with one of the most evil beings on the planet.

Celestia was chilling out on Twilight’s couch, having herself a good cry. I came over, had a seat next to her and held her head to my chest. She tried to push me away meekly, but I wrapped my invisible tentacle around her and pretty much stuck her to my side, which meant that Celestia’s elbow was firmly jammed in my ribs and her face was deep in my half assed cleavage. When my tits started getting wet, I let her go because it felt super gross.

She looked at me, her face a complete mess, so I put her head on my shoulder so I wouldn’t have to look at that, just in case I lost my nerve. I gently stroked her hair while she got the rest of her misery out, though it took longer than I had expected. For once, I actually had a clock of some kind to look at, so I watched as thirty minutes ticked by. During the span of that thirty minutes, I gently consoled Celestia, which only made her feel worse apparently. That may or may not have been the cause of the extended stay on Twilight’s couch, but you can’t prove anything so shut your fucking face. In fact, you’d better stop reading this if you don’t want me to shove a knife in your back.

Seriously.

Look behind you.

Dumb bullshit aside, I was back to the same, depressed neutral that I had been maintaining for some time. I already knew that Celestia wasn’t going to be the best lover, so I shouldn’t have been surprised, but after some time to digest it, I decided that killing Celestia with kindness would be the most retarded route. However, was I ever on one hell of a roll for bad decisions.

With all the drama of the moment drained for me and with no reason to spend the energy to put up the facade, I opened my mouth to add five more minutes on the couch before I realized something. What was the point of torturing Celestia anymore?

“Hun.” I tapped her shoulder. She kept crying. “Celestia.”

She tried to wipe her eyes, but she only succeeded in spreading the mess.

“You have magic. Why are you not using it?”

“B-Bec-cause I d-don’t want you to th-think-”

“That you’re using it against me?” I asked kindly. “It’s okay, I trust you.”

“H-How?”

“Because I kinda expected this from you at some point.”

Her horn flashed, but new tears streaked her cheeks in seconds. “Y-You knew something like th-this would happen?”

“Like I said, kinda. I couldn’t know what exactly, but I expected something on this scale.”

She faced me. “...We can’t be together.”

“Nope.” I shrugged. “It is what it is. It’s not like it has to be over forever. Let me get a few more years under my belt and we’ll see where it goes from the, yeah?”

“Max, this isn’t the only time I’ve wiped Twilight and her friends mind’s.” Celestia confessed. “I can’t ask you to be with me on any terms if I keep hiding this from you!”

“I figured that out while I was outside. What else did you erase?” I asked evenly.

“...Rarity raped you.”

“I will slap the shit out of you. I’m being civil because being a dick won’t get me anywhere, but God help me Celestia-”

“Max. I’m not lying to you, I swear.” She said softly.

“...Alright, now I’m asking you to tell me that was a lie.”

“Did you ever wonder why you never went to see her for another lesson on manners?”

“...I-I thought life just got hectic.” I whispered.

Celestia bit her lip and looked away from me. Her lips moved, but even my boosted hearing couldn’t pick up what she’d said. The only word that I could pick out was ‘my’.”

“Celestia… Please don’t tell me…”

“She asked me for the love poison, and I thought it was harmless enough if she was one of Twilight’s friends…” She closed her eyes.

“...Alright.” I shook my head. “Was Rarity in control of her actions?”

“...She was when she gave it to you, but she later told me that she had dosed herself to see what happened. It was supposed to be an innocent experiment, but Rarity was in estrus at the time, and estrus mixed with love poison…” She opened her eyes and focused on her hands. “You never stood a chance at denying her.”

“...Has anything like that happened since?”

“No.” Celestia said firmly. “I’ve made sure of it. When I enchanted the Warbling Blade with my seal, I placed a Danger Sensor on it so I would know if you were ever in something I would recognize as trouble.”

“It must have been going wild when I was in Gryphonia.” I commented.

“It was. That’s how I knew.”

“Right. Have you wiped any more incidents from my mind, or the girls’?”

“...You were dead when Rainbow Dash brought you to the hospital. Luna brought you back using some magic...” She hesitated.

“It was some evil shit, wasn’t it?”

“Magic blacker than my own soul.” Celestia whispered. “It’s why ponies that don’t know you very well don’t like to be around you. You’ve been leaking Dark Magic for months, but there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“...What all is this affecting, Celestia?”

She took a deep breath. “I don't know all of them, but I know that it affects how effective healing magic is for you, and it does something…” She took another breath and steeled herself. “It does something to your mind. It attaches you to the caster in a way so that your life is linked to theirs.”

“If Luna dies, I die?”

“No, when one of you dies, the other inherits their power. If you ever get too powerful, Luna will try to kill you.”

“Just coming clean on everything, aren’t you.” I jested, trying to bring some levity to the situation.

In all honesty, I was kinda overwhelmed. I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach from all the information that had been revealed to me. Knowing that one of my friends had created the perfect storm to effectively date rape me kinda put a damper on things. It did do something to explain why I found Rarity less appealing than I probably should have, but that little side note was completely overshadowed by the fact that Celestia had just wiped it from our minds. I was upset with her, but I could be as pissed as I wanted to be later. Now, I had to worry about Luna having a hit on my head and whether or not I should aim for her’s first. I was happy to leave her alone, but I didn’t know if Celestia was really coming clean or if she was trying to drive rifts between me and my friends.

There was a reason that I’d stayed behind in Gryphonia for a while longer, and this was a shining fucking example. I didn’t know what to do with Celestia at the moment, so I sat and waited to see if she’d come up with something else. After ten minutes of silence, I accepted that as her having said everything she wanted to.

“So what happens now?” I asked with a heavy sigh.

“I guess we go our separate ways for the time being.” She replied despondently.

“I kinda figured. I meant what happens as far as the whole ‘Roxy’ thing?”

“Oh… I believe you’ll handle the situation adequately. I’ll back up whatever decision you make.”

“Lovely. Thanks for the help.” I closed my eyes and leaned back. “I think we’re telling them that it’s a prank that went too far, but that taught me some valuable lessons. That’s the truth, in a manner of speaking. We’ll keep the fact that this was supposed to be a punishment to ourselves, but I want you here to turn me back in front of them.”

“I can do that.”

“I also want you to avoid contacting me for anything less than an emergency. I love you, Celestia, but we need some time away from each other.”

“...I understand. I’ll do as you ask.”

I sighed. “It’ll get easier, hun. If you tell yourself that enough, eventually you believe it.”

“I believe it now. When you live as long as I have, you learn to see the bright side.”

“Right… So what do I do about the Rarity situation?”

Celestia looked at the clock. “I suppose you should blame me. If I hadn’t given Rarity such a dangerous substance in the first place, you never would have been put in that position.”

I shook my head. “I don’t even remember it, so I can treat it like it never happened. And what am I supposed to do about Luna?”

“... As long as you don’t keep dying and coming back magically stronger, you should be fine. Luna is already one of the most powerful beings on the planet, and she wouldn’t dare touch you while you’re under my protection.”

“How long will I have your protection?”

“As long as I live, I swear by the Sun.”

“Thank you. Obviously I’m not going to tell Applejack she killed me, so let’s get the girls back to the waking world, shall we?”

Celestia wiped her eyes again and her horn lit up one more time, fixing her makeup. In seconds, she was wearing the mask of a ruler once more. I took her hand and lead her to the kitchen. Celestia went to go fetch Twilight and then began casting all sorts of hoodoo. The girls rose the positions they had been in originally.

Things got real weird.

The conversation played out from the beginning, like I had just sat Applejack down all over again. Celestia used magic to bring the memories of the conversation to the front of my mind, so recreating the scenario was child’s play. All it took was some acting that I had been practicing all week, but when we got to the part about playing dress up, I changed my wording from ‘punishment’ to ‘prank’ and everything was suddenly okay. That was Celestia’s cue to come down from the stairs, all smiles and sunshine. Between the two of us, we explained that I had turned her prank into a prank of my own, up until I started enjoying the time I was spending with the girls as a different person, and how what I learned about how they thought of me made me want to give the whole thing up multiple times.

Celestia told them that my prank turned endeavor to be a better friend was completely approved by her, since her words still meant something to them. Pinkie and Rainbow were the first ones to respond, both of them giving Celestia and I props on our pranks. Twilight asked what I had learned about friendship.

I responded with, “So far? I’ve learned that if you don’t have the same genitals as your friends, you miss out on a lot that could bring you closer. Hell, I felt closer to you girls as ‘Roxy’ at times than I ever have as ‘Max’. For a few days, I really thought that it was just because I was a guy, but then Fluttershy said that you all were trying to correct the mistakes you’d made with me, and that’s what made me come clean instead of having Roxy just disappear one day. I honestly think that the time that we spent together over the last week is worth how mad you’ll be at me for deceiving you.” I shrugged. “I guess I’ve learned that you shouldn’t make assumptions or something. I suppose I made a lot of them about you girls.”

“I’ll say.” Rarity sniffed. “You should think more of your friends!”

“You were about to lynch Applejack, so shut up.”

Rarity balked. “Are you saying that as Roxy or as Max?”

“Both of us would have called you out.”

“As much as I’m enjoying seeing you all get along so well, I need to take my leave.” Celestia announced. “Is there anything else I can help any of you with before you go?”

When no one said anything, I said, “Just take care. I’ll see you sometime.”

“When our paths cross again.” Celestia said with a nod. She teleported out moments later.

And yet, I was still a woman. I raised a hand to my head. “Hey Twilight, do you know the gender reversal spell?”

“I do, but I think you could spend some more time as ‘Roxy’. Does anypony object?”

She got chants of assent from around the table and most of the girls fixed me with grins to rival the Reaper’s. Applejack got up and left before and left before anyone could stop her, unfortunately, but no one barred her path her at my request. She had plenty to absorb, and I was sure that I was the one best suited for the job, so I went outside and looked around for her, but saw no sign of her. I wandered around the streets in the general direction of Sweet Apple Acres, but she was nowhere to be found.

I returned to Twilight’s after searching for a couple of hours. I’d even stopped by her home and her window specifically, but got no response. Nothing happened on the way back, but I did return to find all of the girls giggling about something in the library. Before I could join them, Spike caught me in the hallway.

“Hey, Roxy, can I talk to you for a second?”

“Yeah, but you should probably know that I’m actually Max.”

“Riiight.” Spike said slowly. “I was just wondering what happened earlier? I thought I heard a lot of yelling from Rainbow, you and Celestia, but nopony’s told me why Celestia was here!”

` “Rainbow and I were yelling because Applejack messed up and got me hurt. Celestia was here, but I assure you that you never heard her yelling.” I responded cooly.

“...Yeah… I guess it must have been my imagination or something.” He remarked.

“You’re still young so it’s entirely possible. I’m going to go see what the girls are having a laugh about, care to come with?”

Spike shrugged, so we joined the girls. As it turns out, they had been laughing about taking a ‘stallion’ to try on clothes and other such sundries. They found it ever so amusing that I’d let my hair be styled and my makeup done. With a smile, I reminded Fluttershy and Rarity of the time they’d caused me to blackout and wake up in a random shop and they stopped laughing, which made me start laughing.

Twilight was the first to join me, then Pinkie because she realized that more people were laughing, then everyone else joined in because we’re fucking retarded.

It was a fitting send off for Roxy.

Chapter Twenty-Four: In The Big House
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Twenty-Four: In The Big House

Chapter Twenty-Four: In The Big House

I missed my penis very much the morning after I had gotten everyone together. Twilight was being more like Twatlight, and Celestia had either forgotten or chose not to turn me back into a guy. Twilight was just being difficult, so there wasn’t much hope for me there, which meant that the only people I could really go to now were Celestia and Luna. After the numbness of the incident, Lupa and I had a long talk and we’re heading towards the ‘Fuck that Bitch’ camp, and I’m honestly glad that I won’t have to deal with her if I don’t want to. The level of betrayal she’d committed against me multiple times was just too much for me to remain by her side, and it’s thanks to Lupa that I see that now. Once I had gotten things explained to her, she told me that I was, firstly, an idiot, and secondly, a fool. I should have ditched her after my last fight, when I’d figured out that she was damaged beyond repair, when I found out her soul was black…

Radda radda radda. Or is it Yadda yadda yadda? I want some soup all of a sudden.

Still, as I sat in bed waiting for Lupa to wake up so I could bitch and moan some more about my luck, I thought about how shitty my relationship with Celestia was. We never saw each other, we fought most times we did see each other, and she was willing to let her sister eat popcorn and watch as we argued. As humorous as it might have been at the time, in hindsight, it was super fucked up. Getting rid of Celestia was probably going to end up as one of the best decisions I could have made in my long, long life.

Come to think of it, the only reason I hadn’t been content to just tell Celestia to fuck off was because I’m going to live for nearly two thousand fucking years. Yeah, I’m kinda pissed at her now, but I probably won’t be three centuries into my life, so it was nice to keep one of the hottest things on the planet as an option. It may not have been satisfying, but I feel like I handled the situation in the way that would benefit me most in the long run. Burning my bridge with Celestia would only fuck my life in Equestria up, and I still needed to get on Luna’s good side as best I could.

I sat up and scratched my head. Lupa probably felt me move because the next thing she did was occupy the space I had been. I swatted her hind leg on my way out of bed and she just farted like a proper lady. It reeked something fierce, so I vacated the room after cracking a window and grabbing my Dragon Fire. I used the little jar to send Luna a carefully worded note that got a near immediate response. In short, Celestia had told Luna what happened and Luna was actually on my side. She also reassured me that she wouldn’t kill me until I could rival her or Celestia one on one.

At least she was upfront about possibly murdering me.

Reading on, Luna explains that something like this has happened before, except the guy ended up killing himself and I wondered what the fuck he’d done that for. Celestia's hotter than a white dwarf star and a pretty great woman when she wasn’t trying to fix your life, but she wasn’t worth your life on her best day, unless you were her guard or something. It’s different when you swear your life to someone, but now I’m just rambling and I don’t want to cross these words out. Fuck. New Paragraph.

Luna and I exchanged notes a few more times and we’d come to an agreement. Tonight would be the night we try letting me police dreams, and she would let me kill her if I could make someone named ‘Discord’ or whatever wear a business suit for more than ten seconds. I didn’t know who that was, so it was a bet that I was willing to take if it meant I could have nearly infinite power, or whatever it is she and Celestia have. I’d read (And been told multiple times) that they raised and lowered the Sun and Moon, but I found it incredibly unlikely. It may have been a different planet, but the laws of reality still applied here. Newton’s laws work, and Celestia and Luna don’t have to continually lift their respective celestial bodies, so I found it very unlikely that they actually moved them. If they did have that level of magic, then there would be no point in playing political games. If either of them really wanted to, they could whip the world into shape on little more than a whim.

Celestia sent me a note soon after I finished with Luna, asking how I was doing. Just to be petty, I waited ten minutes to reply with a handful of words that didn’t amount to much. I knew how to fuck with someone using instant messaging, and it was about time I got some use out of that knowledge. My plan was to play passive aggressive hardball to judge just how sorry Celestia really was, and apparently she was pretty sorry. After an hour of replies that probably would have gotten my ass kicked back in England, Celestia was still trying to figure out how I was doing. Points for persistence and all, but I distinctly remembered telling her not to contact me. I was about to politely remind her of that once I got tired of dealing with her, but as I put pen to paper, she sent me two large envelopes and one more note. The note told me that I could cash the check she’d sent me in Canterlot, and that she thought we should meet while I was there. It also told me that the other envelope held a surprise that we could talk more about when I went to Canterlot.

I told her that I did not want the money. She told me it was payment for the assassination and that it was mine whether or not I myself cashed the check. She then threatened to double the amount and put it in my account without my approval, and I was so, so tempted to let her do it. In the end, I told her that I would accept the bits, though I didn’t know if meeting her was such a good idea. We’d only broken up last night, and I didn’t think I would be able to turn her down without Lupa to help me. Celestia assured me that our meeting would be as platonic as I cared for it to be, which was ominous. In any case, she had courteously backed me into a corner with the way she worded her notes, giving me the impression that I would lose her favor if I didn’t show up. All things said and done, I basically had a date with Celestia. Not how I was planning for the break-up to go, but whatever. As long as I stayed true to my convictions, I would be fine.

The morning had already kinda gone to shit, so I poured myself a double of Zap Apple Jack and prepared to face the rest of my day. After talking to Celestia and having her manipulate the conversation so greasily, I found myself in the shower posthaste. I honestly felt dirty, and I believe it was because the fog of love was fading fast. I was beginning to see more flaws in Celestia and I wondered how I could have been so blind to her evil, but hindsight is Twenty/Twenty and all I was doing was torturing myself. I tried to scrub my thoughts out of my skin, but getting clean doesn’t work like that.

Once I finished my shower, I told Celestia that I would let her know when I was coming to Canterlot, and she asked me to come today. I still had some sickly sweet love in my veins: I wasn’t willing to risk it. I told her no and she told me YES. Seriously, she used an entire piece of paper for one word. With little other choice, I took stock of my clothing and weapons and told Celestia to just fucking teleport me there so I wouldn’t have to waste time and money getting there and she asked me if I’d even opened either of the envelopes she’d sent me. I had not, so she told me to open them.

The first one I opened was a check for a lot of money. A lot of money. Like, I could buy several businesses in Canterlot, not use any of the income I got from them, and then still live like a king off of what I had left. Celestia had dumped a sizable chunk of change in my coffers, and all I could do was send her a little thank you note. She then told me to open the other envelope and it had three words written on it: Mayor, Baron, and Viscount. Celestia had told me to circle one and send the note back to her, so I went with Viscount since it sounded cool. I had no idea why she’d sent those words, but it sounded interesting, so I waited for her reply. When ten minutes had passed, I sent her another note and she teleported me into a room of some kind. It was quite garish if you ask me, and reeked of nobility, but not royalty. Wherever I was, it wasn’t the castle. I looked around for a moment and gathered that it was a sitting room, so I had a seat and waited.

Luckily, since I didn’t have to pretend to be someone else anymore, I had brought my pocket watch along with me. My favorite little trinket let me know that over an hour passed before Celestia showed up with a smile to beat all others. Immediately, my heart melted and started to ache, but I drew up my defenses and prepared myself.

“Max! Sorry to keep you waiting, but I’ve been getting your affairs in order.” She beamed.

“Thank you, but I want you to know that I still think this is a bad idea, Celestia. We need some time apart.”

Her smile fell a bit. “No, you need me out of your life, but I’ve decided that if I can’t have you as a lover I’ll have you as a friend!”

“...You just said that I need you out of my life.”

“It’s true. Which is why that, after this one little thing,” She pinched her fingers together, leaving the barest amount of space between them, “I’ll let you live your life, no questions asked. You will be the only Baron of your kind in Equestria.” Celestia said proudly.

I blinked. “Wait, what?”

She shrugged. “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t get Luna to agree to Viscount. We settled on Baron for you right now, but if you manage Ponyville and it’s neighbor Cloudsdale well enough-”

“Wait, Celestia, I’m not nobility material. I don’t know the first thing about running a town or whatever. This won’t end well, I’m telling you.”

She rolled her eyes. “Do you know what the nobility here does? Nothing. Your life will effectively be the same, but you’ll have more respect from the ponies around you!”

“And I’ll have to swear some oath of fealty to you?”

Her smile came back. “Nope! You’ll swear loyalty to Equestria, but as a Baron, you can choose whether you want to serve the Dawn or the Dusk; myself, or Luna.”

“...And you’re just making this decision without my input?”

“I am. Trust me, Max-”

“You’re trying to buy me back.” I sighed. “It’s not going to work.”

Celestia scrunched her face up adorably, and I had to bite my cheek as punishment for that thought crime. “I’m not trying to buy you back. This is a sugar coated bribe to keep quiet about the mind wiping thing. I’ll leave you alone romantically. I only said what I said earlier to get back at you for breaking up with me.”

“That’s petty as fuck!”

“So were your responses!”

I crossed my arms and Celestia raised her brows at my chest. “Eyes are up here, twat.”

“I know where your eyes are. I’m allowed to look as long as I don’t touch, right?” She asked innocently.

I gave her a stern look. “Believe it or not, I am actually mad at you. Fucking with my head was betrayal on a whole other level, Celestia.”

That wiped the smile off of her face. “I thought so.” She nodded. “I shouldn’t have hoped that you’d be receptive so early. That was naive on my part.”

“Give me some time for the ache to fade and we’ll talk. Just stop trying to do stuff like… This. Don’t do this.”

“I owe you something, Max. If I’m going to stay out of your life, I at least want to know that you’re living comfortably.”

“I could have lived comfortably on the thirteen thousand or so odd bits that I already have, Celestia. Tripling that amount was just overkill.”

She pursed her lips. “That was actually proper pay for the job. Luna bumped up the reward after she failed.”

“...Okay. So you didn’t have to make me a Baron.”

“It’s more to keep any heat from nobility off of you. It would be worth your time to spend some time making connections in Canterlot, now that you’re one of them in title instead of just wealth.”

“How rich am I in comparison to the lead noble?”

“You’re a lower ranked noble right now, and after you get that check cashed, you’ll be around the middle. I hate the way the wealthy just get wealthier in my country, but if I change things, then it’ll make it that much harder for your average pony to make it.” She sighed.

“It’s hard to rule. It’s also hard for me to understand why I’d want to befriend a bunch of nobles.”

“Just give it time, dea- er, Max. I’m sure you’ll find a good reason soon enough.” The last part still made it sound like 'dear'. Dumbass

Celestia stood and kept smiling at me, so I asked, “What now? I’ve gotta go to the bank and I don’t know of any noble gatherings that I could attend or anything.”

“I will accompany you to the bank since you’re carrying such a large sum-”

“Celestia.” I warned.

She pursed her lips. “Right. I’ll have someone else go with you then.” She looked down. “Could I request something of you? A couple of questions is all.”

This oughta be good. “I’m listening.”

“I would like to request that you still not lay with Twilight.”

I lifted a brow. “Why not?”

Celestia hugged herself. “She’s the closest thing I have to a daughter right now. I don’t want to think of you stealing her innocence.”

“Twilight has already come on to me once. Am I supposed to tell her that I won’t accept her because her teacher doesn’t want me to?” I asked.

“...I suppose it’s unfair of me to ask that of you.”

“It is. It’s not really your business who I stick my dick in anymore.”

Celestia frowned. “You say that like you’re just going to sleep around.” I'll do as I please.

“I’m not a slut, Celestia. It’s just not your business.”

“Does that mean you’re going to sleep with Twilight regardless of my request?”

“You say that like you have ground to stand on. You’re the one who fucked up Celestia; you don’t get to dictate how I live my life.” I responded calmly.

“And you get to dictate how I live mine?”

“No, not when it doesn’t involve me. When have I tried to meddle in your personal affairs?”

Celestia looked down. “...I don’t really have much of a leg to stand on, do I?”

“No. You don’t.”

“...I’m still a princess, Max. At least show me the respect I’ve earned.”

“You were more than a princess to me, once. I already do respect you, Celestia, I just don’t like you.”

She inhaled deeply. “Fair enough. Fifty years and you’ll be crawling back to me.” I hope you break your fucking legs.

“I was thinking more like seventy five, but you can hope.”

She rolled her eyes. “So this is more of an extended separation than actually breaking up?”

“If that’s how you want to think of it.”

“I prefer that. You wouldn’t believe how much better that makes me feel.” Her smile returned. “I can do this. Fifty years isn’t long to wait for something worthwhile.”

Seventy five, bitch. “Thanks, but there’s something I need you to do during those years.”

“I still have more questions for you, so it’s only fair I hear you out.” Celestia said.

“Great. I need you to work on making friends and keeping them.” I said simply.

“Max, I know how to make and keep friends. I’m just immortal.”

“True, but I think it would help if you caught a refresher course for a little bit. Maybe it would teach you to keep your nose out of non-political business.” I suggested.

“Are you just going to take shots at me the entire time?”

“They kinda just keep slipping out. I told you I wasn’t happy with you.”

Celestia sighed and shook her head. “I do deserve it, but it’s strange to be in the wrong. Nevertheless, I need to get you to the Court Hall so I can get you sworn in as a Baron. I’ve wasted enough of your time as is.”

“Cool, let’s get this over with so I can be a guy again. Can we do that nowish?”

Celestia gave me a long, hard look. “I swore to myself that I would never alter you again last night.”

“...Don’t fuck with me here, mate. I’d like my penis back, please.”

“If I do not hold myself to my word, I am worthless, Max. Or should I say, Roxy?” She said with a smug grin. It was very subtle, but I knew Celestia well enough.

“Can you help me ask Luna to do it then? To correct your mistake since you can’t? It’ll probably give you some brownie points with her.” I offered.

Celestia seemed to take the bait. “I suppose that would only be fair. You’ve spent your week as a woman. How was it, by the way?”

“Wild, yet tame. Raw, yet refined. It’s really eye opening to walk with the other side and see things from their perspective. I don’t know if it was social pressure, my own stereotyping being subconsciously forced onto me, or if it’s just genetic, but I’m starting to see more parallels between my behavior and other women’s and it’s bothering me a bit. I don’t want to change who I am. I might be able to ‘relax’ as a female, but I’m never quite comfortable without the aid of intoxicants, and that’s really just no way to live. I think being in a woman’s body is going to either drive me insane or change me in ways I’m not comfortable with, and neither of those are options I like, which is why I asked you to turn me back.” I shrugged. “It’s been cool, but I’ll be happy to be a guy again.”

“If you could last another week from today, it’ll wear off on it’s own. It’s not a permanent spell.” She explained.

“Would your oath prevent you from weakening the spell at all?” I asked hopefully.

Celestia considered it for a moment. “I don’t think it would. I’m not even touching you with magic, I’m just draining the spell, so we’re in the clear. I can knock about four days off without dispelling the magic entirely.”

I held my hands up and closed my eyes. “Keep your hands off the goods.”

I could swear I heard her say some choice words under her breath, but the gentle hum of magic blocked out most of it. I opened my eyes and Celestia was standing a respectable distance away from me.

“Are you ready?” She asked.

“Would you be willing to submit to a lie detector if I had questions?”

Celestia threw her hands up “Where the buck did that come from?”

I managed to keep a straight face. “Did you or did you not Molestia me, Celestia.”

“Are you just being difficult for no reason?” She huffed.

“Did you touch me inappropriately while my eyes were closed?”

“We’re going to the Court Hall and you’re going to be quiet until we get there, okay?” She stated with authority.

I held my hands up. “Lead the way, pervert.”

Celestia grumbled, teleported us into the castle, and set a quick pace to our destination. With my legs significantly shorter than hers, I was lightly jogging to keep up and that just wasn’t fun with breasts. I eventually re-learned how to run and got along just fine after that, though Celestia gave me no time to do so. I had to admit, it tickled me a bit to see her so worked up after just a bit of light teasing. I wondered if I should bring it up in front of Luna, but I was sure that would make Celestia actually hate me, so I withheld that idea and put it in my ‘Full Retard’ drawer for later use. You never know when you need a cosmically stupid idea.

I followed Celestia to the hall outside of the actual Court Hall where Luna and a butler were waiting. Luna gave me a once over and changed me back into a guy without a word. She even changed my clothes into one of the outfits that Rarity had given me, which I thought was better than going in looking like a crossdresser, though I did wonder how she knew about my wardrobe. And when exactly did she learn about my silk boxers? The butler then lead me down a side hall that lead to the front. Once I was at the front of the Court Hall, The butler escorted me inside and Celestia was seated upon her throne. We had a small audience, and I couldn’t make out many familiar faces straight away.

The butler guy stood aside and I tried to make my posture look halfway decent. Thank god I wasn’t wearing heels or some shit, because I would have fallen on my arse enough to get Celestia to break her vow out of pity. Seriously, fuck heels. I surveyed the peanut gallery and found that I recognized this one fellow, a lightish blue stallion with a slightly darker blue mane. The woman beside him also seemed a bit familiar, but I couldn’t quite place them until it hit me: They were Twilight and Guard Captain Guy’s parents. So Twilight really did come from nobility. I had wondered.

When I got within a meter of the Dais, Celestia rose, so I kneeled. It seemed like the sensible thing to do, and my assumption appeared correct. I heard Celestia’s footsteps echo as she descended, each step as clear as a bell. I had been looking down until she stopped in front of me. Gingerly, she lifted my face until my eyes met hers, and within them I saw a certain light that scared me a little bit. I was completely at Celestia’s mercy right now, but I reasoned that fear away. I was always at Celestia’s mercy. I always have been.

I had barely finished that thought when Celestia said, “Maximus, Kingslayer, Sole Human of Equestria, Operative of the Crown, Honorary Guard-” That was news to me. “-and Advisor to not just the Princesses of Equestria, but to the Queen of Gryphonia.”

Okay, so two of those things were news to me. At my confused look, Celestia gave me one in return that said we’d talk about it later.

“Maximus, as a Princess of Equestria, I ask of you: Are you willing to use the resources at your disposal to aid Equestria when she calls?”

Okay, so I could see where this was going, but I was fucking stuck. I couldn’t deny Celestia in front of her court due to the massive slap in the face it would be perceived as. She had worked me into another corner, and I hadn’t even seen it. It took some doing to open my mouth enough not to hiss the words at her.

“I am.” I responded, livid.

Celestia sensed my frustration, but I only saw her face twitch for a moment, and it looked like she had been leaning towards sad, but that didn’t excuse what she was doing: Locking me into her country and effectively next to her whenever she so desired.

“Do you swear to uphold Equestria’s laws and values in the face of adversity?”

“I do.”

“Then by the power vested in me-” There was a clamoring. I could make out the words ‘third’ and ‘fealty’ since they were being thrown about quite often, but Celestia raised a hand to silence the nobles. “By the power vested in me, by Equestria’s people and the Crown, I hereby announce you, Maximus, as Baron of Ponyville!”

Celestia drew a sword from fuck knows where and effectively knighted me. When she was done doing that for some reason, she said, “Rise, Maximus, and may you serve Equestria to the best of your abilities.”

“I will, Princess.” I deadpanned.

I wasn’t sure what to do next, but I followed Celestia’s gaze behind me to find that some dude was walking down the red carpet with a long dagger on a pillow. When he stopped in front of me, I turned to Celestia and she nodded, so I picked up the half-meter dagger and drew it. I couldn’t help letting my jaw drop; it was beautiful in the way that it seemed to absorb any light that touched it. The pitch black blade had a space like quality to it, and it came razor sharp.

“I present to you, Maximus, the blade ‘Nacht’. As a Dusk Baron, may it guide and protect you through tumultuous times.”

I held the blade aloft and resisted the temptation to whistle. Instead, I held Nacht in both hands before bowing to Celestia. “I will use it for the sake of Equestria, whenever the time comes. Should you call for me, I will be there.” I said, trying to give a shit. I might stab you in the back with this very knife.

Celestia’s smile was dutifully faked and the Ceremony was over. I went around meeting nobles. The first ones that really caught my attention were this guy, Fancy Pants, and his incredibly hot wife, Fleur de Lis. They were the first to approach me after the little ceremony, and they were actually pretty cool for some filthy bourgeois. Fancy Pants invited me to a little ‘soiree’ he was having tomorrow, so I accepted as long as I could bring a friend along. He agreed to my terms after a long, hard second. After he and his wife had their turn, I met Twilight’s parents, which was awkward. Not for them, of course, but it was incredibly so for me. It isn’t exactly often I’m dating one of my mark’s kids, and the one time that it had happened before was already too many. Still, Twilight’s parents told me that they were going to visit Ponyville within the week and hoped that I would get a chance to see them while they were there. I told them that I’d love to meet them over a cup of tea, and thus they were off. A few of my encounters with the nobles were like that, but Twilight’s parents were the last pleasant folk I saw for some time. Most of the other nobles treated me with disdain since I was new to the fold, but I maintained a cordial attitude, despite wanting to bite my tongue off again just so I could spit blood in their faces. Fucking elitist pricks.

Once the Ceremony was over, there was a light brunch by way of celebration. That was when Celestia told me that my house was being demolished as we spoke, and that I would could stay in Canterlot for a few days while my new house was built. I was understandably pissed, but all of the nobles in the room thought that Celestia building a bigger house where my perfectly fine one had been was a fantastic idea. I slapped the hell out of Celestia’s leg with my tentacle when she told me that, but all she could do was grit her teeth and bare it.

Well, that lasted for all of six seconds. Next thing I knew, Some of Celestia’s own tentacles were touching my no-no zone, and they were getting a little tight for my tastes, so I wrapped Celestia’s midsection and started squeezing. We were both red in the face by the time we relented. Celestia had won, but she didn’t retaliate any further, so there was a plus.

Manipulating the aristocrats at brunch was fun when Celestia and I weren’t assaulting each other. I found that I could identify with women quite easily, so I befriended them faster than I did with most of the men when I shared a bit of gossip I’d heard from a maid earlier. Still, I managed to win the fellows over with some high brow jokes, so I already had a decent reputation as being a pleasant guy.

The brunch ended with Celestia wishing each of the guests a good day individually. That took forever, but she eventually turned back to me and nodded. Just as I was wondering why the Hell she had nodded, I felt some familiar weights on my chest and a tightness to my shirt. Thankfully I was wearing a belt, because I’m sure my pants would have fallen otherwise. I whipped around to glare daggers at Luna who was wearing a shit eating grin like no other.

“Happy Prank Day!” She shouted for no reason. I fucking hate you.

“Why? Why did you have to turn me back into a woman?” I asked softly.

“Because it is funny!” Luna gave me a hug and patted my back.

Maybe I was lucky, or maybe she was lucky, but either way, the punch I threw at her ribs met nothing but air. One of them had teleported me into Luna’s room, which was a mistake on their part. In the ten minutes I had, I turned the contents of her room into a pyramid on her bed. Luna walked through the door, just as I was trying to find a proper place for her vanity. I’d whipped around when she opened the door, so she was now looking at herself.

“Can’t be mad at yourself, now can you?”

Luna snapped her fingers and everything was restored to it’s proper place. “The spell will last a week. Celestia wants you to know that she is sorry for destroying your house, but we both assure you that your things have been kept as they were. With any luck, you’ll have a brand new home in three days with the 'round the clock magic crew Celestia has doing it.”

“I would have liked to know someone was planning on remodeling. Do you understand how frustrating it is for someone to literally tear your home down because they can?”

“Yes, actually, and they didn’t build me a new one, let alone a better one, so shut up.”

“Okay, might have been getting a bit whiney there.”

“A bit. Still, you are welcome to stay here-”

“Nah, just teleport me to Twilight’s.”

“...Okay? Are you sure you do not want to stay in the castle?”

“So Celestia can try to win me back some more? Not happening.”

“You do know that she does feel terrible for manipulating you, don’t you?”

“I do know, but I don’t care. See how that works when you fuck someone real good, but not in the nice way?”

“I suppose I do, though your colloquialisms make it difficult to understand.”

“Eh. Can I go home now?”

“Do you want to cash your check?” She asked.

“Can you have someone do that for me? I don’t feel like dealing with that bullshit when I can just have you send me home.”

“It will be done within the hour. Have you any more requests?”

“Don’t kill me?” I asked genuinely.

Luna waved and hand, and the next thing I know, I’m standing directly in front of Twilight. She fell back on her arse, so I gave her and a hand up and asked, “You okay there, Twilight? It’s like you don’t have people teleporting into your house all the time or something.”

“Well, I usually don’t, R- er, Max.” She answered.

“Look, sweetie, as long as I have a vagina, you can call me Roxy.” I patted her shoulder. “That aside, I need a favor.”

“I’m not allowed to change you back, Princess Luna said so! Not that I would have. Having you around as a girl means that we can do so much more together!” She beamed.

“Yeah, but I wasn’t born as a woman, Twilight. I’m not comfortable as one, and I’m not terribly fond of finding out if I have a womb.”

Twilight blushed. “W-Why wouldn’t you have one?”

I shook my head. “I’m hoping I don’t have one. The human equivalent of estrus is terrible and gross as fuck.”

“Well, if you’ve only been a mare for a week and you only have a week ahead of you, you should be fine. If Luna doesn’t turn you back I promise I will. I know the spell well enough.” Twilight remarked.

“Please do. Being a girl is cool and all, but I miss being a dude.”

Twilight gave me a sincere smile. “I’m sure you do, Roxy. Is there anything else I can do?”

“Can I stay here for a bit? Celestia is tearing my house down.”

Twilight blinked. “Well, sure, but why is the Princess tearing your house down?”

“She made me a Baron or something, so she thought I needed a bigger house or some shit. I was perfectly fine with what I had, thank you very much.”

“...Max, you have to be rich to be a Baron. I mean, if you go destitute as one, you keep your title, but you have to have a considerable number of bits to even be considered to be a Baron!”

“Yeah, I’m super loaded, babe. Marry me and your great grandchildren will die rich.” I said with a grin.

“Do you even know how much you have?”

“I have a decent idea. I met your parents, by the way.”

Twilight blinked again. She blinks all the time, but it usually doesn’t signal surprise. “You met my parents?”

“Yeah, I did. Lovely folk, if I may say so. Very pleasant for aristocrats.”

“Wow. You really do know a lot of ponies in lot of places.”

“It’s how I operate. I like to know a little bit about everything, just in case that knowledge is ever relevant. Not unlike how you like to know a lot about anything.”

“I have a healthy scholarly appetite, thank you very much!” She huffed.

“If books were food, you’d be the size of Steven Magnet, just not in that shape.”

“Roxy!”

I gave her a hug. “I’m just having some fun, Twilight, no need to be upset!”

“I’m not, you’re just funnier when you’re a girl.” Twilight said.

“Ouch, maybe it’s because I learned to stop before I actually make you mad?”

“Or maybe I’m coming around to you.” Twilight grinned and headed off to the kitchen.

We sat and talked for a while before Fluttershy came by. She was surprised to see that I was still a woman and told me that a bunch of dudes had come and torn my house down, and now they were building something else. I explained that little incident to her and she offered to let me stay at her place for one of my days away. I was pretty sure that she just wanted to have me to herself for a day, and I was perfectly fine with that. I figured that I could stay at Twilight’s tonight, Fluttershy’s tomorrow, then Twilight’s again because I like variety. With that settled, Twilight dragged me to go shopping with her since I didn’t have any clothes again. I was still dressed as a dude from the Baron Ceremony thing, so I was pretty happy to get out of the ill fitting garb.

I deviated from my usual wardrobe choices and bought some things in dark green this time. According to Twilight and Fluttershy, everything i got worked with my eyes, so I had that going for me at least, Their giggles as I tried on clothes didn’t help, however, so I ended up molesting Twilight with my tentacle buddy and she stopped laughing. Sometimes you have to play dirty to come out on top, but it’s also just fun.

Once we finished up with shopping the second time, Fluttershy had Twilight and I follow her back to her cabin so we could try this new tea that she got from her supplier. I may not have mentioned it before, but Fluttershy tends to keep exotic or interesting tea on stock. She usually only pulls things out of her vault for small gatherings of three or so people so that there’s enough to go around and so that the tea actually gets noticed. I agreed with her on the importance of enjoying the flavor, so it was kind of our thing, though I was happy that Twilight could join in on the fun. Since she wasn’t retarded and had a good tongue for caffeinated beverages, Twilight made a fine addition to the Tea Team.

Fluttershy brought out something called ‘Friend Leaf’ that was aptly named. Each tea leaf clung to another in small clumps, and I wondered how exactly they did that. Fluttershy didn’t know, and Twilight was more of a coffee person, so it hadn’t really come up in her studies, thus we had an unsolved mystery that had no impact on anything.

The tea was good and the company was nice, though I was feeling pretty worn out. Despite the tea, I was feeling rather weary, and I wasn’t sure if it was from Celestia’s bullshit or if I just needed a break. Seeing as how it was most likely both, there was little that I could do about it beyond suck it up, so that’s what I did. Never let it be said that I can’t keep things moving.

After a few hours, Twilight and I made our departure from Fluttershy’s and I was pretty talked out. There was really only one thing on my mind, and I needed a stiff drink to make it go away, so I tried to tell Twilight that I would catch up with her in a moment, but she followed me to the liquor store anyway. She bought a bottle of wine for herself and I ended up getting the 'Local Special' like I had planned on the last time I was here. The little snake inside was still flittering about, and when I asked Twilight about what it was, she told me that it was a special kind of magical snake that’s hardy enough to live just about anywhere. They were a little on the rare side, but since they were so hard to eat, they didn’t have many natural predators. They could survive on fruit or ethanol, which was cool, though that did mean that I’d basically be buying a pet along with my drink. At least it was a relatively tiny snake, only about ten centimeters or so long.

We didn’t talk much on the way back home, but when we got back to her place, Twilight asked, “So is there any particular reason you’re drinking tonight?” She set her wine down on an inn table near her couch.

“Yep.” I answered honestly.

“...Are you going to share that reason?”

“I broke up with Celestia for a while because she made some drastic mistakes. I’m coming to terms with those mistakes and not being able to call her ‘mine’ anymore, though I never really could say that she was anyways. It was always the other way around.”

“You broke up with Princess Celestia?” Twilight asked incredulously.

“The mistakes were pretty bad, but I can’t really talk to you about them. Just know that I didn’t come to any harm because of them.” A lie, but a kind one.

“If you didn’t get hurt, you wouldn’t be hurt, so you wouldn’t be drinking. What did she do to you, Roxy?”

“Can’t say, sweetie.” I sat down on the couch and Twilight sat next to me. “As much as I’d love to get it off of my chest, it’s too much to burden you with.”

“Are you sure there’s nothing I can do to help?”

“I wouldn’t complain if you let me borrow your shoulder for a bit.”

Twilight smiled, so I put my head on her lap because fuck you. “That’s not my shoulder.” She commented.

“It’s the soft bit near a large joint. I’m happy where I am.”

I couldn’t see it, but I felt Twilight shake her head in awe of my powerful logic. Thankfully, she was kind enough to let me have her lap for a while, so that was nice. Twilight gently combed through my waves of follicles while I relaxed, and we talked about random things. I asked Twilight silly questions that I never expected a cohesive answer to, and she thought of a loop hole.

“Hey Roxy, what if you don’t talk about what Celestia did to you?” She asked out of nowhere.

“I thought that was what we were doing.” I answered.

“That is what we’re doing, but what if we just talked about the way it made you feel? That’s not off limits, right?”

“I love having smart friends every once in a while.”

“Hey!”

“It’s your own fault. Where should I begin?” I lifted my head up and rolled over so that I was looking up at Twilight. “I guess I feel betrayed, even though I expected her to pull something on this scale at some point. I feel like every one I trust eventually turns on me, but I know that’s not true, though that doesn’t mean I can help the way I feel. I’m mad that Celestia made things get to this point, and that I didn’t break things off sooner.”

“Why do you feel betrayed if you were expecting it?” Twilight inquired carefully.

“I guess I expected it in a different way. It was kinda thrown in my face out of nowhere. I knew that she had the capacity and the willingness to do something of the sort, I just… I hoped that she wouldn’t do it to me.”

“It’s tough when a loved one hurts you, but sometimes it’s just better to let them go and see if they learn from their mistakes. If the Princess can’t fulfill the role you need her to, then it’s better than you two go your separate ways for now.”

“That’s pretty perceptive of you, Twilight. Very wise.” I complimented.

“Thank you. Now why do you think you feel like you can’t trust any pony?” She asked.

“...That one’s a little harder to answer. It’s a combination of things, really. Celestia’s betrayal, Applejack breaking her promise to never hurt me again, Rarity and Fluttershy being so willing to go after Applejack-”

“Wait, I can understand Applejack and Princess Celestia since they hurt you, but I don’t understand Rarity and Fluttershy.”

“Well, if they were so willing to turn on someone who’s been friends with them far longer than I have, what’s stopping them from turning on me?”

“...That’s fair I suppose. I’d like to say that you need to be more careful with who you trust, but the ponies you’re having trouble with are ponies that I would entrust my life to. What about your anger? Why are you mad that you didn’t end your relationship with the Princess earlier?”

“You’re really not going to want to hear this one, Twilight.”

“I think you’ve earned a friendly ear. You’ve been through a lot, Roxy, and I don’t want you to feel like you can’t come to me with anything that’s on your mind. If that means I hear some unpleasant things about ponies I like, then so be it. We’re friends, and it’s my duty and privilege as your friend to hear you out, no matter what!”

I reached up and booped Twilight’s nose while she was staring off into the abyss. “That’s very sweet of you, Twilight. If I can, I’ll come talk to you about my problems over a cup of tea or a drink, depending on the situation.”

“Well, If it’s a drink you want, I suggest we stick to the wine. I’ve never heard any fun stories about the Local Special.” Twilight started separating locks of my hair with magic.

I watched as she began to weave them together. I tried to emulate what she was doing with my telekinesis, but my control was just too poor when I split it into different pieces for me to get anywhere fast, though I did succeed in spooking Twilight.

She dropped her magic and started, lifting my head from her lap. “What was that!?” She cried, whipping her head around.

“It was me, sweetie, don’t worry. I was trying to braid your hair, but I don’t think I can.”

“...Roxy, I could see your hands the entire time.”

I tapped her nose with my tentacle and she blinked. “I guess I forgot to tell you that I got more than a little endurance from the time I died.”

Twilight’s eyes lit up with curiosity. “What do you mean? I know you said that you were as tough as a pony now, but what else did you get?”

“I’m actually about as strong as a pegasus or a unicorn. I’m on the weaker side of the Pony spectrum, but I won’t die in like, two hits now. As far as the other stuff I got, I’ll probably live for about two thousand more years and I have some insane perception, as well as a boosted healing factor.”

“...You’re practically immortal?”

“Not really. Celestia and Luna are practically immortal. I’ll just live longer than most.” A lot longer, actually.

“Alright.” Twilight rubbed her chin. “What about the perception thing? What does that let you do?”

“It allows me to pick up on body language more easily, sounds, sight related details, smells, stuff that you use your five senses for, It even gives me a bit of a sixth one.”

“You mean kind of like Pinkie’s ‘Pinkie Sense’?”

“Kinda. It’s more like a feeling of foreboding than twitches or stuff like that. It doesn’t always work, but it has done me some favors in the past.”

“That’s actually pretty neat. I thought you had gotten super powers or something.” Twilight smiled.

“Well, I kinda did. I’m practically a human lie detector, I heal faster than most creatures and can probably regenerate fingers and stuff on top of having some pretty powerful telekinesis.”

“When you put it like that, you make it sound like dying was worth it.”

“I’m pretty sure I went to Hell when I did, so I don’t think so.”

Twilight didn’t know what hell was, so I explained it to her, along with the concept of religion, heaven, worship, deities in general, and the impact that religion had on human life. Of course, I had to mention the Crusades and the Spanish Inquisition. I hadn’t thought to include the Inquisition, but it just popped in my head out of nowhere, so I went along with it and told Twilight as much as I could.

Since Twilight was pretty nocturnal, I stayed up with her and browsed her books some more. I was making some decent headway into a book about this one chaos king or something that ruled thousands of years ago when Twilight told me that it was bed time. To fuck with her, I quickly changed into my sleepwear and hid under her bed, waiting for her to finish up herself. I heard her mattress depress, so I carefully crawled out from underneath it and gingerly crept my way into her bed. Surprised that Twilight hadn’t noticed, I waited for her to realize that she had company, but soon heard her breathing even out, signalling her journey to Dreamland. I could either enjoy having a nap with Twilight, or I could fuck off and not be weird, so I went with the less creepy option and lamented the loss of a good prank.

I went to the guest room that Twilight had loaned me oh so long ago and laid in bed for way too long, left alone with my thoughts once more. Instead of possibly fucking up whatever emotional balance I had at the moment, I decided that I was going to free my little snake and have myself a sip of something strong. It turned out to be more that a sip, and I was having more fun than usual with the drink. I could see geometric patterns splaying themselves across the walls, constantly moving and warping around whatever they touched. On one hand, It was like being in a net that covered everything, but on the other, there were distinct fractures in the lines that gave the impression of a wallpaper that wasn’t quite applied correctly.

In other words, I was tripping shit.

I wandered around Twilight’s library and just checked things out for a while. Minutes of inspection turned into hours of curious hypothesizing. I’d maintained a steady intake of my snake shine, so I was still experiencing some intense visuals, and I had been having audio distortions for some time. I kept my head on the level and watched as outlines and shades of people passed me by while I sat on the couch. Occasionally, they waved or made a hand gesture to me, so I waved back, despite knowing that they weren’t real. My rational left brain and my whimsical right brain were warring over whether or not I should just kick back and go with the flow, or if I should investigate what was going on and record it so I could share it with Twilight. I decided to record it, and by the time I had written my fill, the sun was up and Spike was making breakfast.

With my new little buddy coiled up between my mammaries, I went to go see if I could help Spike with breakfast, but when I went into the kitchen to ask if he needed help, I saw him walk in with a trail of afterimages behind him. I stood in the doorway and watched as he left trails of himself all over the kitchen, waiting for him to notice me. Then, all of a sudden, The images started fading and so did Spike, so I went back into the living room to find that the sun hadn’t actually risen. A little freaked out, I went back to the guest room and laid down for the while, letting my snake wriggle around my fingers. I hadn’t actually tried talking to it, so I said, “Hey, little buddy, can you talk?”

It slid down my hand and wound itself into a spiral on my chest, so I took that as a no. I couldn’t sleep, despite the buzz I had going, so I was stuck for something to do. I flipped on the light and checked my pocket watch. I still had two hours before dawn, and nothing to do before then, so I went back to finish the book I had been reading, but found that the words on the pages danced too much for me to actually read them. Bored out of my gourd, I settled for drawing pictures, even though I have no artistic talent whatsoever. Still, I tried to make a decent sketch of Ponyville at night, but it was a complete failure, so I just let it be.

After two hours of non-stop, heart pounding boredom, I got my morning bullshit done, wrote Twilight a note that I left outside her door, and started making my way over to Fluttershy’s house. The walk over there had me passing Applejack, but I didn’t really feel like talking to her. As my best friend, I held her to a higher standard than most ponies, and she had let me down pretty hard. Just because we had a nonaggression thing going on right now didn’t mean that I didn’t want to sever one of her hooves. Or both. Fuck it, let’s makes us a Ponified slug with blood for goo.

Violent fantasies aside, we didn't say anything to each other and we kept it moving. While I was not happy with her at the moment, she still deserves commendation for her maturity in comparison to her friends. Most of them would have tried to approach me to make things better whenever they saw me, but Applejack knew that I would come to her when I was ready, and that chipped off a bit of the cement block on my shoulder.

Nothing else happened on the way there because it was early as shit, what did you expect? I only passed Applejack because she gets up early as shit too, but that didn’t explain why I passed her on the way to Fluttershy’s. I thought about it for a moment and tried to remember as much as I could about our brief encounter. It was a little past the fork in the road where her road and Fluttershy’s connected, and I couldn’t think of any reason for her to be there this early She was definitely coming from Fluttershy’s, but why she had been there eluded me. It may have been none of my business, but I was curious.

I got to Fluttershy’s and thankfully she was already up and outside. After a brief greeting, I started helping her with her animals because it’s always a fun thing to do. I have a certain appreciation for animals that I make sure is well noted among of Fluttershy’s creatures, and they happen to be fond of me sneaking them an extra treat every now and again, so our relationship works out pretty well when I’m on Fluttershy’s good side.

Once we were finished with the feeding and whatnot, Fluttershy hesitated to bring me in, so I asked, “Hey Flutters, did you commit sex on Applejack?”

She looked at me. “What does that even mean?”

I stepped within arms reach of her and stared into her eyes. “Did you sex the apple?”

“What? Are you asking if I had… ‘Quality time’ with Applejack?”

My tongue parted my lips and I grabbed her face gently. “Did you sex the Apple?”

“Roxy, you’re really starting to freak me out.”

I gave her some space. “Sorry, got carried away. Is that a yes, though?”

Fluttershy stroked her mane. “Well, yes?”

“Okay, just curious. I saw her coming from this way and I wondered why she’d make the extra walk. I shouldn’t have wondered, I already know you’re worth it.” I flattered.

It totally worked, if Fluttershy’s blush was anything to go by. I let the topic end there and picked up a new one, but I was a little miffed with Fluttershy. Literally the day before, she had been ready to lynch the bitch, but here she was jamming her tongue in places where it probably shouldn’t go. I’m not a doctor or anything, but I don’t think mouth to ass contact is sanitary.

Other than that little piece of bullshit, my visit with Fluttershy went well, though I may have hurt her feelings when I told her that I didn’t want to cuddle. It just felt… Wrong, though I did eventually give in because I didn’t want to make things awkward. I knew that Fluttershy was her own woman, and that our relationship was open, but I would have liked to know that she and Applejack had a thing going on. It made me feel a bit alienated from Fluttershy, but I still went through the motions because that’s what I’m expected to do.

While in Fluttershy’s bed, wearing fewer clothes than I would have liked, I thought about how detached I was becoming. The most I was feeling at any given point was either mild enjoyment or some form of pain, so I started wondering about the point of it all. Why should I even force myself to do anything I don’t want to? I already know that I’m going to have to in the millennia to come, so why make myself miserable now?

I looked into Fluttershy’s eyes and searched for an answer I couldn’t find, but I hadn’t realized that I’d basically been staring at the girl. She waved a hand in front of my face after a moment and asked me what was wrong. I lied through my teeth and told her that I was just lost in her eyes. She didn’t buy it for a moment, but she acquiesced anyway, much to my pleasure.

I lazed around with Fluttershy until she had the bright idea to go visit Pinkie. I tried to keep my visits to that woman to a minimum, but I was Fluttershy’s for the day, and I was still tripping my fucking balls off, so why not? I walked with Fluttershy over to Sugarcube Corner and ordered a vanilla shake. Fluttershy had wanted to ask for Pinkie at the counter, but I told her to wait for a few moments. Once we had our shit, I tapped on the napkin container twice Pinkie came right around the corner.

“You rang?” She asked innocently.

“I did. Do you have time to spend with some friends?” I responded.

“Sure! I was just about to go see what Twilight was up to, if you girls wanna join me!”

I lifted a brow at Fluttershy. “We’ll join you.” She said for me.

And so it was decided. Pinkie waited around for Fluttershy and I to finish our shakes, then we went to go see the purple one. Fluttershy and Pinkie babbled to each other the entire way there, occasionally including me in their conversation. I was stuck in my head and the moderate visuals I was still experiencing, so I wasn’t exactly the best conversation partner at the moment. Nevertheless, we got to Twilight’s, had tea, and I got a note from Luna asking why I hadn’t gone to sleep last night. I told her that it had just been one of those nights and asked if we could reschedule for tonight. Luna found it to be acceptable, and so the plan was remade.

For some odd reason, I wasn’t tired at all, despite my growing disinterest in the happenings around me. I just wanted to go home and lie down for a while, but that comfort was in the process of being reconstructed, so I was shit out of luck. The girls picked up on my waning energy, so Fluttershy took me back to her place and had me try and sleep to no avail. We ended up going bavk to Twilight’s and had her try a spell that was supposed to give the subject restful sleep for about seven hours. I didn’t really care whether it worked or not, so when it did, I was pleasantly surprised. Well, about seven hours after the fact, that is.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next few days were a slog. I burned the next two days being immeasurably depressed, though I tried not to let it show I ended up sending Fancy Pants an apology instead of going to his thing, and he wrote back that he understood. Life just felt like it was too tedious to bear, and none of the activities that the girls came up with had the spark to them. I even tried fucking Fluttershy senseless one night, but even after hours of sex that was probably more meaningful to her than to me, there just wasn’t anything left there for me.

When the the day came that my house was supposed to be complete, the girls got together and helped me buy some random stuff that would help fill the place. No one had seen it yet since they didn’t want to ruin the surprise, so seeing it loom in the distance made me stop for a moment. The girls gasped when we got a more complete picture, and Rainbow was absolutely bursting with energy, ready to get inside and give it a goosy gander. Thankfully, she stayed with the group, so we were all together when we got to my new place.

The house was fucking massive. Two tall concrete pillars stood watch over the huge double doors in front of us and I was kind of just ready to be done with it. Still, the large windows and decorative shutters were a nice touch. Without wanting to wait anymore, I opened the doors to my new house and lead the way down the entry hall, which was rather spartan. There were a few knick knacks that I would inspect in further detail, but a cursory glance showed them to be nothing more than tasteful decorum. Once we exited the entry hall, we came into what had to be my living room. My old furniture had been joined by a lot of new pieces that matched quite well, and a lot of the art that was on display reminded me of something I would buy. We walked in further and saw that there was a tall fireplace with a crackling, magical fire in it.

We didn’t get to explore much further on our own because of a woman that had been creeping in my kitchen. She was a sheep with thick wool and a sharp pant suit that told me she was all about the business. Between her choice of attire and demeanor, I had no hope that this woman would be any kind of pleasant. Once we came into her line of sight, she approached us.

“Hello. Which one of you is Maximus?”

I waved a hand. “That would be me. Who might you be?”

She extended a hand. “I am Cotton Ball. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Miss Maximus.”

I shook the proffered hand. “Pleasure’s all mine. Can I help you at all, Miss Cotton Ball?”

“No, that would be unnecessary. I am here to guide you around your home.” She said curtly.

I gestured for her to lead the way and so she did. We started on the first floor and learned that I had a day room, a parlour with a piano inside, a large pantry that was attached to the kitchen, and an open kitchen that had an island sitting between it and the living room. Everything was very chic, if you ask me. I probably wouldn’t ever bother to change anything about it, so it was good that I found it satisfactory. Besides the kitchen, living room, day room, and parlour, I had a few guest rooms downstairs, which Fluttershy and Pinkie claimed as theirs for the night. Once we had everything put away in the kitchen, Cotton ball showed around the rest of the house. I had feared that it was three stories from what I had seen on the outside, but I was happy to see that it was only two very tall floors. The second floor was mostly guest rooms that were more extravagant than my old master bedroom had been, though I did have an observatory on the back wall. I had no idea how it had only taken four days to do all of this, but I was mildly pleased with the result.

Rarity, Rainbow, and Twilight grabbed three of the remaining guest rooms and we continued on to my room. The master bedroom was fucking enormous I swear, I could make a lap around the room and be out of breath by the time I got back. The real oddity about my room was the fact that it was neatly divided in half. From the fluffy, four post, canopy bed, on either side was a swatch of either purple or blue things. The purple items were generally feminine, and the blue were masculine, which lead me to believe that Celestia had designed my room with my alternate identity in mind. While the most of the girls marvelled at the softness of my bed and the quality of most of my bedroom furniture, Twilight and I were taking notes from Cotton Ball. A maid would come by every so often and clean the place for me since I didn’t want to have staff living in my house. I was made aware of the fact that I would need a steward, so I asked the smartest person I knew to handle my accounts. Twilight agreed, as long as I promised to go with her to visit her parents sometime. I reminded her that her parents were actually supposed to be in town later today and she told me that they had cancelled, unfortunately. It was a shame, I would have enjoyed getting to know Twilight’s parents better.

As it was, I needed to meet my three staff members, but they wouldn’t be here until tomorrow, so I lead the girls back downstairs and it was agreed that we would have another slumber party, though there was an unspoken question: Should we invite Applejack? Twilight and Pinkie were with me when I stated that we were all still friends, despite what she had done, and they were even with me when I said that I had no intention of talking to her. Rainbow, Fluttershy, and Rarity were all of the opinion that Applejack didn’t deserve an invite, but since it was my house, I pulled rank and sent her a note with Dragon Fire. Apparently Spike was nearby, because about ten minutes later, she sent me a very sloppily written note that told me that she was too ashamed to face me.

My spirits lifted a little.

While my good mood was lasting, I tried to get the girls to have a naked pillow fight, but they considered themselves above such wonderful things. Still, I was feeling better for all the wrong reasons, and I knew that. Maybe a part of me just liked that I was the one inflicting pain on someone else, but in any case, it was fucked up for me to feel good about Applejack’s guilt. It didn’t stop me from acting like I actually wanted to be somewhere for once, though.

This slumber party was going much like the last one, but without anyone to keep pace with my drinking, I had to slow down before I looked like an alcoholic in front of the girls. Luckily, I had brought my snake shine with me from Twilight’s, so I was giggling like mad, tripping absolute balls by the third hour. The girls accepted it as a welcome change in my behavior, so it turned out okay, and I must say that adding weed to snake shine makes the world real pretty.

After some hours I don’t remember too well, I woke up on Rarity’s lap, alone in the vastness of my new living room. I sat up gingerly, my head aching slightly and looked around. Rarity was knocked out, so I was willing to bet that she had babysat me while the other girls continued the party. The ornate clock on my fireplace told me that it was a few minutes past midnight, which filled me with certainty that the girls were up, so I got off of my lazy arse and started trying to find them. As it turns out, they were in my parlour, playing Never Have I Ever, and my arrival was welcomed, though they did giggle when I sat down. It was then that I noticed my shirt was on backwards, so I adjusted it to the appropriate position and asked, “So what happened before I ended up on Rarity’s lap?

“Well, after you smoked some of the weed I brought, you kinda went crazy.” Twilight chuckled. “You started walking around, touching everything, and then you played hide and seek for a while because you thought Princess Luna was after you!”

“She is after me, but I shouldn’t have freaked out about it. Sorry you had to see that.”

“Roxy, what do you mean?” Fluttershy asked.

“I thought blacking out for a few hours was something worth apologizing for?”

“No, about Luna. What did you say?”

“Oh, I said that she really is after me, but not in a way that will affect me any time within the next hundred or so years, so I’m good.” I gave her a wink and a grin. “Don’t worry your pretty little heads, I’ll be fine.”

“What about after that?” Twilight asked.

“Well, I guess we just hope that I can make Luna like me enough to let me live.”

Pinkie giggled. “It’ll be okay! Most ponies don’t live that long anyway!”

I traded a look with Twilight and subtly shook my head. She ignored my look and said, “Roxy will live that long.”

“So do humans live longer than ponies or something? Because I thought a hundred years was pretty good.” Rainbow piped in.

Twilight looked to me to explain, so I rolled my eyes and said, “It’s not that humans just live longer, it's that I died. When I died, I got some powers. One of those powers was a boosted healing factor that makes me heal faster and live longer.”

“Dude, you have superpowers!?” Rainbow exclaimed.

“Chill, they’re pretty lame, which is why I haven’t mentioned them at all.” I shrugged. “I didn’t get anything particularly good.”

“But what all did you get?” Fluttershy asked.

“In short, advanced perception, a healing factor, and one other that I don’t want to share since it’ll do me more good if I keep it quiet.” I responded.

“Didn’t you tell and show me?” Twilight asked.

“Yes, but no one else would have known that if you didn’t say anything. A lot of the things I told you don’t leave that conversation, sweetie.”

Twilight nodded her assent and with my distraction dealt with, the game began again. I learned some interesting things about the girls, like that Fluttershy had been a naughty little girl in her teen years, and that Twilight had kissed everyone in the group at least once while not on a dare or playing spin the bottle. I also learned that Rainbow had given some thought to what I’d be like be like in the sack, though she wasn’t exactly eager to give me a shot. I couldn’t be mad, after all; how could I be offended when the feeling was mutual?

The game continued long into the night, and when the Sun came up, everyone headed to bed. I sent Luna a note, apologizing for not sleeping tonight either, but there was precious little I could do about it. I had already stayed up through the night, and I wasn’t feeling sleepy in the slightest, so it isn’t like I could make up the time or catch her on the tail end of things. I still felt a little bad about flaking on her two nights in a row. She sent me a note five minutes later, asking if I was alone. Since I was wandering around my abode, I told her yes and she popped in right next to me. I didn’t bother to stop since that was quite rude, if I do say so myself.

“Hullo, Lulu. What brings you to my humble abode?” I asked magnanimously.

“It would seem you’ve been having trouble sleeping.” She said, walking with me.

“I have, no thanks to your sister or Applejack. My mind’s been awfully busy in the past few days, just spinning with the sweet sting of betrayal from the two people I trusted most on this planet.”

“Tis a tough aliment to swallow, but I’m sure that you will find yourself wiser for having gone through it.”

“I’m thinking that it’s mostly just making me detached. It’s hard to care about much right now.” I commented.

“Understandable. One learns to live through the apathy in time, and eventually you might even find something worthy of your attention. For Celestia, she was meant to lead through peace and found solace in warping societal values into what you see today. For myself, it was conquering, one way or another.”

“It must be frustrating.” I said.

“It is. Countries we have been at war with for years are now tenuous allies, and the Equestrian army is better equipped and generally more trained than most other countries, which means that we could rule the world if we felt the desire to and nopony could stop us.” Luna made a face. “Celly has made the world boring and obnoxious, though I do feel that she has done her best “

“Cheer up, at least you’re still one of the world’s strongest entities.”

“What good is strength if you never test your limits? In all honesty, I would settle for being less powerful if it meant I could feel the thrill of battle once , but sadly, these times prevent me from obtaining what I desire.”

“Have you tried filling the void with some meaningless sex? Meaningful works better, but you have to take what you can get sometimes.”

Luna snorted. “If the void could be filled with intercourse, then Celestia and I would be known across the world for very different reasons than the current ones.”

I chuckled. “If anything could fill the void, there wouldn’t be any reason to console anyone. You either let time fill it in on it’s own, or you find something to cover up the cracks so you can go on about your day.”

“Hopefully we will find something or somepony that can help you heal. It does us no favors if you are unable to perform your duties.”

“Thanks for the concern, but I’ve got this. I kinda have to, there aren’t many people I can discuss my mind with.”

“Perhaps I could lend you a friendly ear? Despite your status as one of my agents, I do consider you to be a friend.” Luna crossed her arms.

“Despite your status as the bluest princess, I also consider you a friend. Actually, the being blue bit probably helps more than it hurts.”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m glad that my coat is to your liking, but I am warning you now that your flirtations will get you nowhere.”

“I don’t want it to get me anywhere. I’m perfectly happy being miserable in my unnecessarily large home.”

“You say that now, but I don’t believe it will be long before you are begging to take another job for Equestria.”

“Speaking of, am I going to get another mission any time soon? I’d rather have notice in advance, just in case I have to bail on the girls.”

Luna shook her head. “You care about hurting their feelings, but not about how dangerous your next mission may be?”

“Oh, I care, I just don’t see the point in worrying over it. Whatever happens will happen, and if that means my luck runs out one night and I’m hanged for my crimes, then so be it.” I remarked.

“It sounds like you don’t care to me.”

“You’re mistaking acceptance for apathy, though they are easy to confuse.”

“I have not met many ponies that would confuse the two, and I have met even fewer during my time in the modern age that do not fear death.”

“How many times do I have to tell you guys? I’m not a pony, never have been, and I never will be with any luck.”

Luna fell silent while we skirted around the perimeter of my place Our stroll around the premises had turned into a bit of a tour, though there wasn’t much in the way of guiding going on. We were mostly just meandering about, and I was waiting for Luna to fucking spit it out. After another circuit around the house, I lost my patience.

“Look, Luna, you obviously have something on your mind. If you promise not to kill me, I could lend a friendly ear.”

“Friendship on a conditional basis? That does not sound like true friendship.”

“Well, I would hope real friends wouldn’t try to kill each other.”

Luna sighed. “Just because I can end you does not mean that I will. For one who does not fear death, you are trying terribly hard to avoid it.”

I gave her a look. “Oi, just because I’m not scared doesn’t mean I want to rushing in face first to my demise. I might not be enjoying my life very much at the moment, but it’s the only one I have, and I’m nothing if not frugal with my precious things.”

“One loses sight of how precious individual lives are over time, so I cannot say that I feel the same. When you see as many lives pass as I have, it takes something special to give your life value over others.”

“Sounds kinda arrogant if you ask me. Care to elaborate?”

She nodded. “I do. I mean that my life would hold no value without Celestia.”

“So you live because dying would kill her?”

“In a manner of speaking. I live so she does not have to feel more pain than necessary, even though she seems to invite it to tea whenever a day is going well.”

“Good thing you never invite me to tea then. I’d say I’ve already had my fill, but I know that I’ve got a few more years of distilled bullshit to wade through, and they’ll be chock full of it.”

We took our tour upstairs and kept talking. Luna asked me about the girls, though I don’t really know why. She seemed particularly curious about Applejack for some reason, but I hoped that it was just idle curiosity. If Luna wanted to battle with Celestia over the Elements, then that’s their business. Hell, I don’t even know what the Elements of Harmony are even supposed to do! It’s not like their lives were interrupted with Element business like, ever, and honestly, they were a little bit shit at what they were supposed to be masters of. Pinkie gets depressed over nothing, Rainbow Dash was too reckless and aggressive for most people to bother to get closer to her, and Rarity was a fucking business woman, so she couldn’t afford to be very generous unless she didn’t mind taking a hit to profits. Twilight was pretty much fine. Her Element is Magic and she does it well so there’s not much I could say there, but I can say that Fluttershy’s brand of Kindness makes me feel like I’m trapped, and that Applejack’s Element of Honesty was not very fitting for her.

I asked Luna what exactly it was that the Elements did, and she told me that it was their duty as sworn protectors of Equestria to solve specific problems, though she didn't elaborate on what kinds of problems. I knew that the girls had freed Luna from the clutches of Nightmare Moon using their powers, but it just didn’t make sense to me. Without a proper explanation, I just chalked it up to more of magic’s nonsense and kept on going.

After some more walking and talking, I asked Luna if she would like to stay for breakfast, and she agreed after a moment’s hesitation. I didn’t comment on it and focused on making food. The grocery shopping I had done with the girls had been a good idea, and since we had gotten plenty of random shit, there were plenty of options, so I went with mini omelettes and tiny pancakes. Luna watched as I worked and was quite helpful whenever I asked her to rummage through my shit to find some of my kitchen utensils and a couple of skill. Between paying attention to where Luna was getting shit from and getting my pancakes done, we were working like a well oiled machine in the kitchen. Rarity was the first to join us, oddly enough, so I asked her if she wouldn’t mind helping me with breakfast since she’s the better chef. She happily agreed, though she basically assumed control right after. Without anything else to do, I had Luna teach me the proper way to set up silverware and shit, which was as boring as I’d thought it would be.

Between myself, Rarity, and Luna, we got breakfast finished without a hitch, but now we had to wait for the rest of my guests to get their sleepy asses out of bed. In the meantime, Luna thought it would be… amusing, if she and Rarity explained some of the finer points of being a Baron to me. It was boring as fuck. I tried to pay attention, but without any real desire to an aristocrat, it didn’t really make that much of a difference to me. I suppose it was a productive way to waste an hour, but the only the only thing I really got out of it was that I was going to have to officiate some shit on occasion, though Mayor Mare would be handling most of the town’s goings on. Technically, I have final say in what goes on in Ponyville within reason, but there’s no way in Hell I would ever use that to my advantage, let alone abuse it. Don’t get me wrong; I love power. I like having it, and I like using it, but that’s why I avoid getting it in the first place. I know myself well enough, and I’m just shy of certain that I would use it whenever I didn’t feel like dealing with the consequences of my actions.

I hadn’t really given that much thought to my new title, come to think of it. I mean, Celestia kind of just threw it at me without warning, and there wasn’t much that I could do about it. I didn’t really want to be an aristocratic prick, rather than the normal, everyday kinda prick that I usually am I don’t need a title for anything, so it’s frustrating to think that I might be thrown into Equestrian politics when the only involvement I desire is when it comes to my specific skill set. I’m not the most diplomatic person, as most people around here are well aware of that fact, but I’m even less pleasant when I’m being forced to do something I don’t want to. Luckily, Rarity and Luna assured me that as a Baron, I’m only a few steps above Mayor Mare, so she’ll be handling everything. My title is basically worthless when it comes to anything other than official business. I suppose I could use it to browbeat some filthy plebeians or some lower ranking fuckers, but that’s just not my style. Well, other than that one time with Macintosh, but that was a special case, and it didn’t work anyways.

Still, I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about the events that were unraveling. On one hand, I could throw one Hell of a house party if I ever felt like it, but on the other hand, I was officially one of the upper class arseholes that I despised so much. By the end of whatever the fuck Luna and Rarity were talking about, I had accepted my fate and was prepared to deal with it as it came. I had been paying a little attention to what they were saying, but I had to ask them to repeat a few things. Once I had a pretty decent picture of what I’d be doing, I relaxed. Barring the death of the Mayor, I was free to do as I pleased within reason.

It did mean that I was going to have to start wearing the clothes that Rarity made for me instead of my usual casual stuff. Thankfully, the town cobbler and I were well acquainted at this point, so having him make me some dress shoes that I could tuck a few knives into wouldn’t be that hard. Cobble Pot had already patched my boots up multiple times, and his quick work saved me from blisters when I had originally turned into a woman. Come to think of it, I don’t’ve ever mentioned the guy, which only goes to show that it’s the people behind the scenes that matter most.

Rarity and Luna talked about some of the goings on in Canterlot while I wrote out a note to Cobble, and Fluttershy came out to play. I warmed the skillet up for her and made some more pancakes because I’m a gracious host, and she looked like she was still half asleep. It was too adorable when she started to nod off while eating. A few times, she got awfully close before Rarity could catch her with some magic.

Was it wrong for me to have hoped that Fluttershy would face plant into her meal?

Twilight, Rainbow and Pinkie started coming down stairs around three in the afternoon, but I didn’t feel like making breakfast anymore, so they got cheese and egg sandwiches because Fluttershy was being nice. Surprisingly, Luna was still here and she was mingling with the girls pretty decently. Of course they showed her the ‘proper’ amount of respect, but it seemed like they were pretty comfortable around her, save for Fluttershy and Pinkie. Pinkie was just being a fool and Fluttershy is a bit of a coward when it comes to the day to day stuff. If you needed her to save a friend, she would pull through, but would run crying from a scarecrow.

The day was predominantly spent faffing about in my house. We had everything we needed since the girls had brought their own personal effects along with them, and I didn’t need to do anything besides shift some of my shit around. I was a little worried about how empty the house would feel since it really was far larger than I would ever need, barring some freak accident of some kind. I have to admit, I was surprised that Luna stayed as long as she did and that she got along with the girls at all. I’d figured that her station as a princess would give her some jitters about making friends, but Luna seemed to do well enough.

Twilight, Pinkie, and Rainbow all went home around seven thirty for reasons I’m not too concerned with. Fluttershy, Rarity, and Luna stayed behind to keep talking about my new position as Baron, but there wasn’t much that was said that hadn’t been covered earlier. I was going to have to go meet Mayor Mare again when I was back to my male form, which should have been tomorrow, but luckily, Luna felt like being nice. One quick spell later, and I was back to my testosterone fueled version of normalcy, though I severely needed to change clothes. In the wake of some very hurtful laughter, I returned in some pajamas because my entire day was already gone.

Luna didn’t care for my antics, though I saw the ghost of a smile on her face. Spending the day with her had shown me a lot about the way she acted around other people. While she wasn’t exactly relaxed, she wasn’t as tense as she usually was, and I took that as a compliment to my home and company. Hell, with enough time, even Fluttershy stopped being afraid of Luna and even invited her to the next party slash gathering that the girls were planning. I noted that I wasn’t invited, but I assumed that it was because I was already supposed to go. That, or the girls only wanted fellow females at the party. Either way, I wasn’t terribly offended. Some things are just better off being gender specific. After all, I would have a hard time seeing any of my old mates going to anything less than a kegger or the like, let alone a tame slumber party.

I did notice an immediate change in the way Fluttershy and Rarity talked to me, however. They seemed more nervous, like they were expecting me to lash out or judge them for something, so I tried to put their fears at ease by being as nice as ‘Max’ as I was as ‘Roxy’. It didn’t work all that well, but I couldn’t think of any other way to get Rarity and Fluttershy to chill out. Thankfully, the newfound awkwardness didn’t last much longer since Fluttershy left a soon after I changed back. Luna was next to go, though the Sun had set some time ago, which left me and Rarity.

After Luna teleported out of my living room so rudely, I asked, “So what do you want to talk about, bonny?”

Rarity looked at me in surprise. “How did you know I wanted to talk?”

“You stayed behind after everyone else left. So far, the only time any of you girls do that is when you want to talk. So let’s get to it, yeah?”

“Right. I just wanted to ask how you were feeling about becoming a… Well, you know…” She steepled her fingers.

“A noble? To be honest with you Rarity, I’m not happy about it. I was perfectly fine in my medium sized house, being a somewhat normal Royal Operative. My life wasn’t perfect, but it was nice, and I saw no reason to change that. However, Celestia thinks that a spoonful of power is going to make everything right between us.” I snorted. “If that’s all it took, then she wouldn’t want me as a lover anyways. I’d be evil as shit.”

“... I don’t think I’ve ever imagined that a pony would be upset about joining the ranks of nobility.” Rarity said softly.

“Most ponies don’t hate the upper class like I do. In England and in Canterlot, I’ve seen too many examples of the corrupting influence of power. I’ll admit, for a long time, I thought I could handle it, but that was when I was a teenager. I thought I knew everything. Now, I’m old enough to know that I’ll get poisoned by power too if I’m not careful, which is why I don’t intend on using my newfound influence at all unless it’s absolutely necessary.”

“...Max, you know it’s my dream to join the ranks of the nobility! How could you say such things?”

“Because that’s honestly how I feel, Rarity. It’s not like you have to be the same kind of noble as I plan on being. You’re your own person, and you’ll do as you please. Don’t let my hesitation stall your progress.”

“But… Max, you’re wise for your age sometimes, and I can’t help but feel like this is one of those times. I just… How do you deal with learning that your dream will eventually change you into something you don’t want to be? Even if I could ignore what you said, I can't ignore what Princess Luna said. I-I…” She seemed to be at a loss for words.

I took up a seat next to Rarity and held her hand. “Look, bonny, I can’t tell you how you should live your life. If it’s your dream to be a noble, then pursue it. It’s just that being a noble includes more than you might be prepared for, so if I can help you in anyway with the connections I get, then I will. I just want you to answer one question for me.”

Rarity looked at me. “I’ll answer your question, but I don’t want your help, Max. This is something that I need to do for myself, using my own tools.”

I nodded. “I can respect that. Rarity, what do you know about love poison?”

“I know that it makes whoever takes it fall in love, but beyond that, very little. What makes you ask about that in particular?” She cocked her head to the side.

“Nothing major, just something Celestia told me.”

“Oh, well, I suppose that the Princess wouldn’t steer you wrong.”

I didn’t say anything to that, but I did nod. Celestia would happily control my every step if she could, but I didn’t have to tell Rarity that. We fell silent after that little exchange so I asked, “Is there something else I can help you with? It’s not like you to play coy. Well, it’s not usually something you do with me, at least.”

“Oh, I wasn’t even aware! My apologies darling, I was just wondering since you’re back in the correct body if you’d mind giving me a massage, perhaps?” She said with a little smile.

(CTRL+F ‘Scene is Over’ To Skip)

I knew where this was going, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. Granted that Celestia had told me that Rarity effectively raped me, a part of me wasn’t too keen about being kind in anyway shape or form to a rapist. Then again, I wasn’t sure how much of Celestia’s ‘truth’ I could trust, so I needed to take her words with a grain of salt. On one hand, it would serve Celestia to start working away at the trust I have with my friends, but on the other hand, Celestia generally seemed genuinely concerned about my well being, which makes me wonder why she didn’t annihilate Rarity for forcing her man to have sex with her in the first place. There were a lot of things that didn’t add up with what Celestia had told me, so I agreed because I wanted to see what Rarity was like.

Luckily, Cotton Ball had left me a ledger that told me where a lot of things were. Apparently, Celestia had taken note of the plant that I’d had in my shed and had made a garden out back for them, which I found fucking hilarious. I’d never told her what I’d put in the brownies I’d sent her oh so long ago, and now I had plenty of resources to fuck life up for the castle staff if I wanted to. Rarity noted that I had an evil grin on my face, so I told her that I was just happy about something small.

With a little more digging, I found that the massage table that I’d kept in the shed was now in the cellar that I had yet to visit. I took Rarity down there to help me look, and the place was sparkling like it was new because, well, it was. I had so much wine it doesn’t even make sense. If I ever felt like being an alcoholic, I had a good start down there. I checked the ledger that was set on a shelf near the wine racks and gave it a cursory gander. My wine from the Everfree was all in one place, set aside from the rest, so I let Rarity pick from the other bottles. She ended up going with something red and sweet, so I grabbed the table and we went up to my room for some privacy.

Rarity assisted me with the table and I sent her off to go find a robe or something so we could get started before she died of old age. After sticking her tongue out at me, I browsed the ludicrous amount of scented oils that were in my unnecessarily large bathroom. I picked a few that I thought Rarity would like and one that I was rather fond of before setting them out on the table. Rarity returned a few minutes later, clad in a violet robe that I hadn’t known I possessed.

“Are you ready to get started?” I asked casually.

“I am, but it would appear that you are not. I can’t lay down on all these bottles!” Rarity said.

I rolled my eyes. “They’re there for you to pick from, bonny.”

She flustered. “Of course I knew that!” She looked through my selections and went with the bottle that I thought she would like most, a nice vanilla/jasmine combination.

Rarity passed the bottle off to me and I cleared the rest of her choices from the table. I turned around to let Rarity have some most likely unneeded privacy and only faced her again when I heard her give me the signal. Much to my surprise, she had left her undergarments on, so I covered her positively perfect posterior with a towel.

“Are you sure you don’t want to take your bra off?” I asked. “I’ll do my best to avoid it, but I don’t know if the oil will ruin it or not.”

“I assure you, darling, if I was worried, I would have taken it off. Are you sure you’re not asking for your own benefit?” She asked cheekily.

“Of course I’m asking for my own benefit, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t also be concerned about your personal items, does it?”

I could sense the eye rolling going on, though I didn’t see it. “Whatever you say, darling. Now, if you’re done talking, I’m ready.” She said in a singsongy voice.

I shook my head and started lathering her shoulders with oil, being careful not to let too much of the oil come in contact with her livery. It was a bit of challenge, but I did well enough. Once I had the oil in place, I started working away at her muscles, but there wasn’t much for me to go after. Rarity took good enough care of herself that the massage was pretty much pointless, and I was feeling a bit confused since my earlier suspicions had been put to rest rather quickly, which left me with one question: Why the Hell am I rubbing on Rarity if I’m not getting laid?

Still, I continued doing my best to rub Rarity the right way, and the compliments she gave me were enough impetus to keep me going. By the time I finished with her lower back and moved on to her legs my hands smelled wonderful, so I let myself get lost in the smell, though I started to notice another one creeping it's way in. It reminded me a bit of toasted marshmallows, and from the situation I found myself in, I guessed that it was the scent of Rarity’s arousal. My guess proved correct when I leaned over to reach the oil. The scent hit me in the nose like a freight train, and I had to take a moment to clear my head. Now that I knew what pheromones could do, I was careful to think about every action.

“Are you going to continue, or shall I find somepony else to finish the job?” Rarity jibed.

“Just taking a moment to gather myself, bonny. You could have warned me, you know.” I said.

Rarity froze. “Warn you of what, darling?”

“Are you in estrus right now?”

Rarity’s hair flew as her head whipped around to face me. “How did you know?” She asked, surprised.

“I can smell something that isn’t the massage oil.” I gave her a cheeky grin. “You should have said something before, unless you were trying to use your pheromones to close the deal?”

“Well, to be honest with you, I forgot that you were affected by a mare’s pheromones. I didn’t mention it because I didn’t think it was that important…”

“In the future, just give me a wink or something. I’m not fond of being caught off guard.” I started working her legs again.

“Well, if it’s all the same to you, I think I would prefer it if we didn’t speak on this subject. A mare’s natural cycle isn’t something to speak to a stallion about.”

I stopped abruptly and walked around, squatting to look her in the eye. “Rarity, I have been a woman. Seriously, breasts, lady parts, everything. You know this. I’ve heard you girls talk about things I’ll never repeat, and I don’t know why you think that estrus has to be any different. Just because I’m back to my normal male self doesn’t mean that Roxy is gone, sweetie.”

Rarity flinched. “It’s… It’s odd to think that you and Roxy are one in the same. You acted so differently when you were her…”

“It’s because I wanted to try being nicer to you girls, or at least, that’s what the end result was once I got past the whole ‘prank’ thing. Roxy and Max are the same person, Rarity. One is just me as I am, and the other was me trying something new.”

“...So you’re saying that Roxy was an experiment?”

I pursed my lips and waved my hand in a ‘kinda sorta’ gesture. “In a manner of speaking. I guess you could say that. Being Roxy let me see that you girls would be more comfortable around one of your own, and it showed me that I missed a lot of bonding time with you girls.” I stood and walked back to where I had been standing before and picked up where I left off.

“Well that’s to be expected! There’s just… There’s a divide between stallions and mares that just can’t be bridged-”

“I don’t need an explanation, bonny. I get it.” I said with a chuckle.

“It just feels… Wrong, I suppose. Treating a pony differently because of their gender just seems barbaric!”

“It’s just the way things are, Rares. You could always try to invite me to feminine stuff while I’m a guy, but I doubt that I’d be very comfortable.”

Rarity considered that for a moment. “Well, what if we had Twilight use the gender reversal spell whenever we have something that you’re interested in? It would be temporary and you could still have fun with us!”

“...That actually sounds like a good compromise. I don’t mind being female for a short period of time, as long as I know I’ll get turned back.” That wasn’t a lie. I wouldn’t mind being Roxy for the duration of a party or an outing, with the caveat that Twilight promises to turn me back when we’re finished with whatever we’re doing.

Rarity purred as I stroked a little higher on her thighs. “Careful there, darling. One might think you have obscene intentions if you go much higher.”

I added a little more oil to my hands and challenged her by touching her bottom with my next pass. “If you doubt my intentions, feel free to ask any time. I wouldn’t lie to you over something like that.”

She hummed for a moment and looked back at me. “I’m curious, What would you lie about? Would you be honest about that?”

She didn’t tell me to stop, so I continued what I was doing. “I would and I’ll prove it by telling you that I would lie for the sake of a joke or a prank, as long as I know it won’t hurt someone. I would lie if Celestia asked me to, though that’s not really the case now… I suppose I hold some secrets because it’s just easier on the people around me.”

“Oh really? Secrets like what?” Rarity sighed.

“If I told you, I wouldn’t really be doing my job, now would I?” I chuckled. I debated telling her about what Celestia told me, but that would only create complications when there doesn’t need to be any.

“Oh, but it would make you so much more interesting, dear.” She said dreamily.

“Being the only being of my kind on the planet and dying twice hasn’t made me interesting?”

Rarity’s eyes shot open and she rolled over onto her side. “Twice?”

Shit. “Well, one and a half. In my world, we rounded up.”

She gave me a look. “Are you sure that’s what you meant? This isn’t one of the things Celestia asked you to lie about, is it?”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m sure that’s what I meant, and no, she didn’t ask me to lie about how many times I’ve died. Can I go back to molesting you under the guise of a sensual massage?”

Rarity huffed and flopped back over. “While we’re on the subject, could you help me with my brazier? It’s beginning to get a bit uncomfortable.”

I picked the towel that had been covering her bottom and wiped my hands off. “With pleasure.” After I did as she asked, I started over with her shoulders.

Rarity went back to sighing and I went back to trying to avoid poking her with my mini me. It was a task that took some attention, and I’ll admit that I failed a few times, but I was mostly successful. Rarity just so happened to feel the need to lean into me whenever I did poke her, so I eventually stopped caring and just let it happen whenever it did, though I may have helped every once in awhile.

I firmly caressed the contours of Rarity’s back and sides, finding that I was enjoying myself. I didn’t mind giving massages as long as there was some hope for release at the end, but that pretty much put an end to any plans to be a masseuse. In any case, Rarity was enjoying my ministrations and I was having fun in all the right ways, so I was content to continue, though Rarity had other ideas.

“You know, I think you’ve been getting progressively bolder while we’ve been enjoying our time together.” Rarity commented.

My hands were on her arse at the moment, so I couldn’t say much. “I don’t believe you’re complaining.”

“Oh believe me, darling, I’m not. I’m just wondering-” She stopped as I hooked my fingers around the waist of her knickers.

“You were saying?” I asked nonchalantly.

“I was saying that I was wondering if you would mind being a bit more assertive.”

I grinned as I pulled her panties down. “I can be assertive, I just don’t want to overstep any boundaries.”

Rarity lifted her hips and I pulled them the rest of the way off. “Gentlecolt-like tendencies run deep I suppose.”

She gasped as I grabbed her bottom. “They’re only tendencies, bonny. I’m still a charming rogue, after all.”

Magic enveloped hands and I looked to Rarity in confusion. “Oh how often I’ve heard of the dashing rogue, come to steal the lady’s virtue! If only I had somepony with less than ideal morals to fill the role for me!”

She released my hands and fluttered her eyelashes at me coquettishly. It wasn’t needed at all since I’d already planned on making Rarity turn into marshmallow flavoured jelly in the coming hours, but I suppose if she wanted to roleplay, I could oblige.

“What fair lady would this rogue despoil?” I stroked the inside of Rarity’s thigh and she purred. “I see no proper ladies here, only a cunning vixen who’s about to receive her just desserts.”

“Vixen or not, I don’t believe you’re in the mood to be choosey, now are you?” Rarity reached back and brushed my hand away before sitting up. “Be a dear and run the bath, will you?”

I stared at her for a moment before shaking my head. “I better be half of the people in this bath.”

“Of course! Now run along.” She shooed me away, so I grabbed the towel I’d thrown over my shoulder and threw it at her.

Since I’m such a nice guy and I wanted to get laid, I fucked around with the immense thing that is my bath. It was tastefully made out of cut stone, but my main problem with it was that I could practically swim in the thing if I felt like it. I had a shower in the room as well, but I had always been fond of a good bath on occasion, and was pretty sure that I would be getting some use out of it in the future. I ran some hot water and wondered if I also had some bath related bullcrap in my multitude of cabinets, so I checked. I did have some bath bombs, so I grabbed a jasmine one and popped it in once the tub was full.

Rarity’s timing was impeccable. She came in just as the bath bomb was working it's magic, though I wondered how she managed to put her hair up without any pins. My attention was less on her hair, however, and much more centered around the area below. Rarity knew she had plenty to show off and did so very well, making me forget that I was supposed to get in the water too.

“As fond as I am of bathing while clothed, I don’t think now is the time, darling.” She gave me a mischievous smile and helped relieve me of my shirt. The rest of my apparel followed soon after and within moments, Rarity and I were relaxing in bliss.

Rarity had chosen to sit on top of me during our bath, and I couldn’t help but be thankful for my lifelong friend. He’d gotten me through some tough times, and I think he was feeling the love, nestled between Rarity’s thighs. She leaned back against my chest, leaving me with a faceful of hair and no small amount of contentment. My heart sped up when Rarity rose from the bath and gave me a dirty grin, her hand clasped around my member.

“Do be a dear and help me with this, won’t you?” She asked coyly.

After a moment, I realized that she wasn’t joking and helped her find her own entrance. I guessed that it was a new position for her, so I was happy to help out. Once I had found my target, Rarity eased herself onto me and moaned. Her silky smooth folds gripped me in all the right ways, and I was eager for more, though I was willing to let Rarity set the pace. When she didn’t move, I took it upon myself to start thrusting and was rewarded by Rarity’s coos of pleasure.

I took my time and kept a slow pace for a few minutes. The water sloshed about, but luckily the tub was deep enough that I didn’t have to worry about cleaning up any spills afterward. What I was worried about was the state Rarity seemed to be in. She’d melted in my arms and seemed to give in to whatever I’d had planned. It was fun ad all, but I didn’t like the idea of finishing in a tub, so I kept going, knowing that I could stop before that point came.

Speaking of, Rarity had a few small orgasms, but I was building up for a big one if I could get her out of the tub. I withdrew from Rarity and she pouted for a moment, but I suggested that we take our activities to my bed so we could really enjoy ourselves. She reluctantly agreed and dried us both instantaneously with a spell. I praised the conveniences of magic before sweeping Rarity off of her hooves and carrying her to my bed. It was a bit of a walk, but I had plenty of motivation, and Rarity had been thrilled, so it was worth it.

After carefully setting Rarity down, the ravishing I’d promised began anew. Within minutes of actually being able to thrust, Rarity had an orgasm larger than those from before. I wondered if she’d just never had a decent man, but cast the thought aside in favor of focusing on the beautiful woman that was beneath me. Then on top of me. Rarity wasn’t very good at riding, but what she lacked in skill she made up for in enthusiasm

For some odd reason, I wasn’t very close to climaxing, even though we had been at it for nearly an hour. I tried to relax and let go, but nothing was happening and Rarity was tiring fast, so I may or may not have faked it (again) so she could rest.

(CTRL+F ‘Scene is Over’ To Skip)

I laid in bed with Rarity’s head on my chest and wondered what had gone wrong. Maybe I was just getting too good at sex? In any case, I tried to banish the thought from my mind and get some rest so I could deal with my day.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I woke up early again that morning, so I got my journals caught up and made breakfast. I needed to go find Lupa and speak to Mayor Mare today, so I couldn’t wait around all day for Rarity to get out of bed, so I cobbled together something nice and left her a note before I headed out to get my day over with.

Lupa was my top priority and was more likely to be active around eight in the morning, despite her lazy streak. I walked over to Fluttershy’s and nothing happened. When I got there, I was greeted by Fluttershy and she told me that Lupa was in the Everfree for the next few days, so I gave her a hug and a kiss before I left. Since Lupa had fucked off without telling me again, I was a little frustrated with her. I knew she was a free spirit, but that didn’t mean she had to disregard my feelings entirely.

Pupper problems aside, the day was shaping up to be a chilly one. I was glad that Rarity had included some semi-formal jackets to go along with my wardrobe, though I did think they were a little much. I had been tempted to just wear my normal attire, but today was one for official business, not leisure. The outfit I had chosen was all well and good, but I still felt like a bit of a pompous prick in it.

My attire attracted some attention as I walked through town. No one said anything to me, but I could feel that I was garnering more attention than usual, and it felt pretty gross. I don’t like attracting attention; it means that I’m noticeable and being noticeable is a good way to attract unwanted attention. It wasn’t a problem here in Ponyville, but I was ready to be off of the streets anyway. I walked through the Town Square to the Town Hall and spoke to the receptionist for a moment. The pleasant woman let me know that the Mayor wasn’t busy at the moment and to knock before I went in.

Once I reached the Mayor’s room, I cracked the door open just a smidge so I would know what I was walking in on if I chose not to knock. I could see the Mayor behind her desk, leaning back, but I couldn’t see what was going on below the desk. It was probably a good thing, so I closed the door and knocked. I heard a flurry of movement from within and had to hold back a chuckle.

“Come in!” The Mayor said after a moment.

I killed the grin on my face and let myself in. Her office was about as large as my study and smelled heavily of caramel and cream, though I was willing to bet that it was because of the Mayor’s earlier activities. That, and the blush on her cheeks told me that the middle aged mare had been up to some naughty business before I walked in. The Mayor was probably around forty or so by the looks of her, but she carried her years very well. She may have been in her fifties, but ponies did tend to appear pretty youthful until they hit sixty or so. As it was, the Mayor appeared to be a bit of a milf. She had nice, full breasts and when she stood, I could see some nice hips to go along with them. My thing for authority figures kicked in immediately and I wondered if I could persuade her to have some fun while I was there.

I crossed the room and sat in the seat across from her desk. “Sorry love, am I interrupting something?” I asked with a straight face.

“No, not at all! What can I do for you…?” The Mayor asked with a tight smile.

“Maximus, though most people just call me Max. It’s nice to meet you, Mayor Mare.”

Her eyes widened. “So you're Maximus! Princess Celestia told me that I would meet you soon, and here you are! Let me tell you, it’s about time Ponyville got a Baron of its own!” She reached over her desk and offered her hand.

I shook it. “I’m sure it’s been tough without one so far, though I can’t say I’ll be much help. All anyone has told me so far is that my job is to sit and look pretty.”

“Well, that’s one way to put the contents of your job, but another is that you’re a very vital part of Ponyville growing as a town! With a Baron, we can actually expand!” She beamed.

“Glad to hear that my very presence is a boon. Most women don’t tell me that until after I’ve done something nice.”

“...I’m sure you hear that often then.” The Mayor said uneasily.

“Oh no, I never hear that.” I grinned. “Don’t worry, Miss Mayor, I’ll avoid causing any trouble for you, and I’ll even try to help if you ask. I’ll warn you now that my way of doing things tends to be a bit on the odd side.”

“Please, call me Mary. You technically outrank me, so there’s no need for formalities.”

“Mary it is then. Is there anything I can help you with at the moment?” I asked.

Mary muttered under her breath and I could swear I heard ‘buck me’ somewhere in there. “Nothing comes to mind at the moment, but if you could let Twilight Sparkle know about your new title, that would be great.”

“She already knows. All of the Elements, save for Applejack maybe, know that I’m a Baron now.”

“Wonderful! I hope this proactive streak of yours continues!” She said with a wide smile.

“Let’s hope, yeah? Are you sure there isn’t anything I can help you with? As I understand it, being in charge of a town must be stressful.”

Mary sighed. “More than you could ever know. My days off are like precious gems to me.”

“You know, I don’t have to leave right now. We could have a nice ‘conversation’ and you could catch a break for awhile.” I grinned and wondered if she would pick up on my invitation.

Her eyes lit up. “Nopony ever offers to help me out like that! I’m all for it, but what would we talk about?”

“Well, we could talk about what you were doing before I walked in.” I said innocently.

A blush warmed her cheeks again. “Oh, I’m sure you don’t care for such boring things. Filing and signing papers is all.”

“Are you sure? I could have sworn I heard you say something before I came in. It made me hesitate to knock.” I bit back a smile.

Mary flustered. “I-I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Right. You know, Ponyville is pretty skewed when it comes to the gender ratio. Do you have any idea why that is? I mean, it must get frustrating for some of the women around here to not be able to find a man.”

“We mares of Ponyville find our own ways to manage.” She said, averting her eyes. “I don’t believe this is terribly appropriate conversation for the two highest ranking officials in Ponyville to be having, however.”

“Why, I’m certain that it needs to be us to have this conversation. Seeing as how you were the highest ranking person before I became a Baron, I don’t doubt that you’ve had your struggles in finding someone to help you with your desires. Between the busy schedule of a Mayor, the lack of males in Ponyville, and the intimidation factor of being a political power, I’m sure you’ve been struggling to stay strong.”

Mary tugged at her collar. “It has been a bit lonely…”

“Of course it has. It’s lonely at the top, love, which is why I’m offering to keep you company for a few hours. No strings attached, just a little release for the town’s most stressed out mare.”

Doors were locked and things were done, as well as me gaining the ability to add Mary to my list of ‘special friends’. I left Mary to recuperate from the brutal dicking I had given her and went on about my day. Unfortunately, I still hadn’t been able to get my rocks off, despite some inventive foreplay from the Mayor. I’d still had fun and planned on making another visit sometime soon, but with my two tasks for the day out of the way, there wasn’t anything else I had to do, so I went home and inspected the outside of my house.

After a brief walk around, I saw that my plants were in a greenhouse out back and that there was a pony in there taking care of them. I popped in to say hi, and it turned out that the pony tending to my smelly garden was none other than Briar Rose.

“Oh shit, would you look who it is! Briar Rose, in the fur, taking care of my ganja!” I said as I walked through the door.

“Bloody Tartarus! You scared the shit out of me, Max!” Briar spat back, “Who taught you how to knock!?”

“No one, apparently. Don’t say that like you aren’t about to cry from delight, though. I know you’re glad to see me.” I said with a grin.

“I’m about as glad to see you as I would be to find out that Big Mac is going to buck my flank until I can’t walk.” Briar replied with a smile.

“You’re a naughty one, so that sounds like you’re ecstatic.”

“Buck off!” She chuckled.

“I might. Who put you in charge of my weed?” I asked

“From what I heard, it was Princess Celestia. My sister told me that she saw some plant in your shed and wanted to find more for you, so here you are. These buckers buckingreek!”

“That they do, but they’re also worth their weight in gold. Once I get one of these processed, I’ll have to show you what they’re for.”

“Unless your going to shove it where the Sun don’t shine, I can’t say I’m terribly interested. I'm only supposed come every once in awhile, but I’m already sick of the way these things smell.”

“You should smell them when they’re burning. The smoke is a great way to have a bit of fun.”

“I’ll take your word for it. Did you want something, or are you just here to stare at my flank while I work?”

“While I can’t say that asstronomy isn’t one of my favorite subjects, I can say that I was just curious about some of my staff. Feel free to say hi anytime you stop by.”

“Hi. Now bye!” She shooed me away, so I broke off a piece of one of my plants and threw it at her. It stuck in her mane and she never even noticed.

I strolled out and went to go check out the large shed that was nearby. After opening the heavy wooden doors, I saw that it was a combination of storage and a workshop. Upon further inspection, I noticed all kinds of tools for just about any task I could imagine, and when I looked at the floor, there appeared to be more than just a workshop. I pulled up some of the planks that looked like they had been cut to a different length and climbed the ladder down into the hole. Without a light, it was nearly pitch black, but the further down the ladder I went, I could see a splash of light.

Once I was all the way down the ladder, I had a look around. I appeared to be in a room that looked an awful lot like a Teleportation Station from the runes on the floor. Besides the runes, the room was empty, which made me wonder where the light was coming from. I walked around the rune , bt none of the symbols made any sense to me, and since there wasn’t much I could do, I climbed back up the ladder and sealed the hole. I would have to ask Luna about what that was later, but for now, I wanted a drink.

I sat in my living room with my glass of wine and gave some thought on whether or not I should try charming Briar Rose into a quick romp. I decided against it since I had already slept with two different women in the past twenty four hours. It made me feel a little dirty that I had slept with multiple women so casually, but I reminded myself that it was acceptable in the Ponylands to be a complete slut. It didn’t do me much good, but I could deal with it for the time being. I went into the kitchen and found that Rarity had not eaten the meal that I’d left for her, so I went upstairs to my room to see if she was still there.

She was still knocked out on my bed, and I was tempted to join her. After a quick shower, I hopped into bed and lay next to Rarity. She snoozed peacefully, and after it was apparent that she wasn’t going to wake up any time soon, I took it upon myself to be her big spoon and try to get a little nap in. However, I never did fall asleep and was bored by the thirty minute mark. I waited impatiently for Rarity to wake the fuck up and gave up after an hour and a half, preferring to go find my books.

I located them in a drawer in my study and started reading what I had written. Frankly, I thought they were a bit much, but I remembered the audience I was writing for and that swayed my opinion. I wrote out a note to Mary, asking if she knew of any publishers in town. I waited for a reply, but it occurred to me that she might not have Dragon Fire to send a note back with, so I was going to have to rectify that.

Rarity woke up around six, which was a bit fucking ridiculous. I hadn’t expected her to sleep for most of the day, but I was glad that she wasn’t actually dead. Once she said her goodbyes and got the Hell out of my house, I had the place to myself.

I was bored within minutes.

I filled my time by writing a sequel to the Midnight Stroll book. I won’t go into the details of it here, but it was another story from my past and it translated fairly well after a little bit of creative license. I had to censor a lot of things since that was the also the story of the time I lost my V-Card, but it was still shaping up to be a good story. I wrote long into the night and retired when my eyes were as tried as my hands.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I woke up to the sound of a magical chime the next morning, alerting me to the fact that I had a visitor. It was a small wonder that I hadn’t woken up before then, even though it was only five. I trudged down stairs and opened the door to find Twilight and Mayor Mare waiting for me to arrive.

“Max!” Twilight exclaimed. “It’s good to see you!”

“Likewise. What’s the deal with the early visit, ladies?” I asked, yawning.

“Well, it’s come to our attention that a mare by the name of ‘Trixie’ has set up shop in Ponyville. Apparently, she wants to put on a magic show.” Mary replied.

“...And what does this have to do with me?”

“We need you to be there!” Twilight said. “As a new Baron, you need to make as many public appearances as possible, so we think you should go to Trixie’s show.”

“And this couldn’t have waited until say, noon? Why the Hell are both of you up right now?”

Mary coughed. “Well, Twilight and I just happened to run into each other on the road. There is another matter I wish to speak with you about.”

Twilight smiled nervously. “Sorry to interrupt, then. I just wanted to perform my duties as your steward and I knew you have a penchant for getting up early.”

“Thanks for stopping by, Twilight. I’ll probably stop by your house later today if you’re awake.” I responded.

“I should be, so I’ll see you later! Goodbye Max, Miss Mayor.” Twilight waved and began her trip back home.

I invited Mary in for a word and started getting some breakfast tea ready. We settled down in my living room while we waited for the kettle to boil. Mary didn’t seem like she was going to be forward with what she’d come for, so I asked, “So what did you need to speak with me about?”

Mary studied her hands. “Well, I was just wondering if there could be a repeat of yesterday? I know it’s rather soon, but-”

“No worries, love, let me turn the tea down and we’ll save it for after.”

We did the sex. We had the tea. The tea was fucking great, and I was incredibly grateful for the selection that the girls and Celestia had provided me with. The sex was noteworthy, though I was still zero for three, which was moderately frustrating. I had a case of blue balls that was beginning to irritate me and I considered seeing if I could borrow Fluttershy for a day. I’d always wanted to see how long she could go until she stopped making sense, and it seemed more pertinent the more I thought about it.

After Mary left, I got my morning routine done and waited around a bit before heading to Fluttershy’s. I’d hoped that she was going to rise with the Sun and my hopes were well founded. She was out and about, hefting bags of feed for her critters, so I helped her along with the process. Fluttershy caught me trying to slip her bunny, Angel, an extra carrot to keep me in his good graces, but she let it go when I told her what I was there for.

Once we got the feeding and whatnot done, Fluttershy and I locked ourselves away in her room to play. We spent the entire morning going without a break and I finally got off, so I was content to call it, but Fluttershy was nearly insatiable. At five thirty, Fluttershy finally let me go, and I was feeling every minute of our time together. I was grateful for the shower that we had taken together since it helped ease up some of my muscles, but I was still sore.

The thing with Trixie wouldn’t be going on until Nightfall, so I wandered around town for a little bit and bought some new cologne because it never hurts to have multiple scents. After meeting up with Twilight and Mary to watch the show, I had to take a moment to laugh at Spike and the ludicrous mustache he was sporting. I didn’t laugh in the poor fellow’s face, mind you, but I did have myself a chuckle when I saw it. Why Spike wanted facial hair when he had scales was beyond me, but to each their own I suppose.

The show started and it was flashy. That was pretty much the extent of it. Pretty illusions and parlour tricks that really didn’t amount to much. ‘The Great and Powerful Trixie’ was turning out to be a flop, leaving me bored after the first few minutes. My interest was waning, going on disappearing when Rainbow Dash suddenly got up in Trixie’s face for some reason or the other. Spike was reacting rather childishly and Twilight was persistently putting an end to his comments. I didn’t see the problem with a little boasting, but I will admit that Trixie was getting annoying.

For some reason that I will never quite comprehend, the blue bitch picks Twilight out of the crowd after challenging the citizens of Ponyville to a contest or some shit. I’d had enough of Trixie’s arrogance, so I encouraged Twilight to go face her, but when she balked, I offered her as many kisses as she could handle for the night if she were to go up and beat Trixie. Twilight hesitated, so I gave her a taste of what was to come and she spaced out for a little bit.

With Twilight out of commission, I decided to go and face Trixie myself. After hopping up on stage, I gave her a wave and said, “Wotcher. Name’s Max.”

Trixie scoffed and looked out to the crowd. “This is what you put against me? This isn’t even a pony!”

“Bitch, I’ll wreck you. Let’s get on with the contest already, yeah?” I said, having lost all patience.

Trixie didn’t miss a beat. “Fine, ape! Name your challenge!”

I scanned the crowd until I found who I was looking for. “Onyx Lock! Grab your two toughest locks and some tools, yeah?” I called out.

I saw a thumbs up, so I sat on the edge of the stage and kicked my feet for a little bit. Trixie kept performing more tricks, but once you’d seen a few, the rest were pretty boring. Onyx came back pretty quickly and brought his shit with him. After having Mary come up and inspect the locks because of reasons, Trixie and I were tasked with using the picks to unlock the lock. No magical tampering would be allowed.

Since I’d been allowed to set the rules, I weighted them heavily in my favor. Trixie struggled with her lock and I had mine open and ready for use after mere minutes. I kept getting tripped up by a couple of the tumblers, but it was nothing a little bit of know how couldn’t solve, which was more than I could say for Trixie. She was livid that she lost and shut her show down immediately after, which I thought was just petty. However, it wasn’t my problem, so I accompanied Twilight home and made good on my promise, despite her not actually doing anything. Have I ever mentioned how much I enjoy snogging Twilight?

I learned from Twilight the next morning that Trixie had gone full retard and some of her cronies had awakened an Ursa Minor, which was a fucking massive constellation slash monster hybrid. I was glad that I hadn’t had to deal with it, but the fact that Twilight had was just a testament to how adept she was with magic.

Speaking of the morning I spent with Twilight, the girls were going to have a picnic later in the day and I was invited. Twilight offered to turn me into Roxy so I could wear a sundress since it was supposed to be one of the last nice days of the year. I agreed, though I inwardly sighed at the thought of having to wear a dress. I had avoided doing so for the majority of my time as Roxy for good reason, and that reason was that the breeze… Dear God, the breeze. I still shudder at the memory.

With brunch over and done with, Twilight escorted me back home so I could have clothes to change into. Once the transformation was over and done with, I got dressed again and had Twilight teleport a set of my male and female clothes over to her house so I wouldn’t have to come home and change next time. With my penis well and truly gone again, Twilight and I went shopping for a pretty dress. I hated myself more and more, but I couldn’t bring myself to find a tall enough bridge, so I suffered through trying on various brightly colored, far too short skirts.

I eventually sated Twilight with a modest, pale blue number that I thought was still too short, though she thought it was perfect. I wondered if this would impact my sexuality at all, but then I realized that my eyes were still glued to Twilight’s bottom when she walked up the stairs to her front door, so I figured that I was good. I sat and talked to Twilight for a little bit before we headed to the picnic, and once we were at the destination with our blanket laid out, we waited for the rest of the girls to show up.

Rarity and Fluttershy were first, and both of them were all smiles when they arrived. Both looked lovely in their warm weather attire, and my eyes may have wandered as they were getting seated. Rainbow was next, and Pinkie Pie was last, though she was the one bringing most of the food, so she was allowed some leeway. The picnic was nice and the food was good, though I steered away from any desserts that Pinkie brought along. She had a tendency to make things far too sweet when left to her own devices, and the ridiculous amount of icing on her cupcakes were a good giveaway that they were nothing but pure sugar.

The picnic went off without a hitch and I returned to Twilight’s house to get changed back. The process was quick and painless, though the blush on Twilight’s face whenever I stripped down made the experience worth it for different reasons. I’m not an exhibitionist, but I do love messing with people in pretty much any way I can.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Those were pretty much my last interesting days for awhile. Once I became a Baron, life slowed down a lot. Many journal entries have been started and subsequently tossed since there just wasn’t enough in my days to make it worth writing about. I spent my days making public appearances, getting to know some people, and hanging out with the girls as either ‘Max’ or ‘Roxy’. I got used to changing between forms, and to a point, I was beginning to get more comfortable being in either set of shoes for as long as I needed to be. It was almost as if I had set out different mindsets for my different personas, and I noticed that the choices I made as ‘Roxy’ were often similar, but slightly different to the ones I would have made as ‘Max’. Twilight and I studied that disparity, but Equestrian psychology was limited at best, and there was no way to describe it without making me sound insane. I decided to deal with it for the time being, though I did wonder if I would retain all the same abilities between identities. Despite my curiosity, an opportunity to test my hypothesis never came.

After a month and a half of cooling my heels, I forgave Applejack and she slowly came back to the group. Fluttershy and Rarity may have had some reservations about welcoming her back so soon, but the relief in their faces when their friend came back was unmistakeable. Even when they try, the girls really aren’t mean on purpose, though they can say some pretty spiteful things at times. Applejack and I still aren’t as close as we used to be, but them’s the breaks. Bitch shouldn’t have made me bite my tongue off.

Celestia and I started talking again after a month. It was actually her who suggested that I try talking to Applejack, so make of that what you will. Our communications were purely platonic, and after a few weeks of correspondence I found that I valued Celestia as a friend. It was easy to blow off steam in our letters to each other and it seemed like a healthy way for both of us to ease our minds from the monotony of daily life, though I was careful to make no discernable hints of wanting to get back together. I wasn’t really sure how to handle Celestia now since I’d never really had much experience dealing with exes, but I muddled through as best I could and was rewarded with a confidant that I could express most of my worries to.

With a little work, I grew closer to Luna too. I learned more of her sense of humor and tried to play to it more often, though I did still infuriate her on occasion. It’s a part of the charm, I swear! We tried policing dreams together, but after a mishap that involved a tentacle monster in Pinkie’s dreams, Luna forbid me from interfering with any more dreams.

In my defense, I thought Lemmy had been cute. Pinkie Pie certainly thought so.

Surprisingly, I started sending letters to Elfriede around the same time I started talking to Celestia again. The northern queen was oddly flirtatious in her letters and very descriptive. I spent many hours writing back what I hoped were adequate responses, and eventually, it was decided that I would see Elfriede at the next Equus Olympia in the summer. As I write, it’s the middle of the Equestrian analogue of December, so that wouldn’t be for some time, though I did find myself looking forward to it. I missed Elfriede’s acerbic nature; it contrasted so well against the Pony’s general happy attitudes, and its bite was even sharper than Luna’s. I wouldn’t mind seeing Elfriede again, especially if it meant that we could have that little romp.

I met my maid and resisted the temptation to lay her constantly. Bliss Berry was definitely fine, as she was built like Rarity, but a bit more generous around the hips. Bliss was fond of showing up to my house in a little French maid outfit that was absolutely tantalizing, and it often rode a little higher than I would have considered decent at times. This event occurred so often, I based whether or not I would stay in a room while she cleaned on where her skirt happened to lie at that particular moment. Bliss was either a fantastic actor or completely unaware, because she’s flashed me on ‘accident’ plenty of times, yet she still wears the outfit. I’m not complaining, but I do hope that I can convince her to have a little fun with me some day.

Other than hanging out with the girls or showing up to town events, I haven’t really done much in the past few months. The only reason I’m writing now is because I don’t want to leave too large a gap in my logs. It’s somewhat sad now that I think about it. I really have let myself slip in the past few months, but no more! I’ll have to remain diligent if I’m going to share these with the girls one day, though I do have my reservations about that.

I suppose that’s all for now. It’s been awhile since I’ve had to end one of these.

Chapter Twenty Five: A Missing Friend And A Canterlot Tale
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Twenty Five: A Missing Friend And A Canterlot Tale

I couldn’t tell if she simply meant ‘male’ or ‘stud’ when she said stallion. “I would hope so. I try to be nothing less.”

Fleur lifted a brow. “She also tells me that you’re quite the mare.”

I shrugged. “Most of my friends are female. Donning a disguise to spend more time with them is my way of getting into the inner circle without forcing my way in.”

“You know, a pony could argue that switching genders as you please is a betrayal of yourself and what you stand for.” Fleur commented idly. Fancy was about to say something to her, but I waved him off.

“You could also argue that switching between personas might drive you insane. People say a lot of things; you have to figure out what you care about, and I care about my friends.”

“So you would be willing to become a female for them?”

“For a short amount of time. It’s a way of meeting them in the middle, so to speak.”

“It sounds as though it were a reasonable compromise.” Fleur acquiesced. “What do you do with your friends while you’re a mare?”

“Usually we go shopping or have a slumber party. Girl stuff in general that I would feel silly doing in my man suit.” I was tempted to ask if she and Fancy would mind tagging along on a shopping trip with Rarity and I, but I didn’t want to waste money and Fleur was kind of confrontational in a very passive aggressive way, so fuck that noise.

“Your ‘man suit’?” Rarity asked.

“That’s what I said, isn’t it?” I raised a brow.

“Yes, dear, you really must learn to listen better. He said it quite clearly.” Fleur added.

Rarity caught herself before she could get flustered. “You really must forgive me, it’s just that Max says some strange things every now and again. You see, when he says ‘man’, he means stallion.”

“So he said that he wears a stallion suit. I suppose that if you change between the sexes often enough, the different forms begin to feel like separate ‘suits’ if you will.” Fancy clarified for her. “It’s really not that strange once you’ve put some thought into it.”

“Thank you both for defending me against my date. She’s always trying to embarrass me, one way or another.” Rarity colored slightly and the look in her eye promised retribution. I grinned at her. “You know, there was this one time where Rarity had a bit too much to drink and she tried to ‘pair up’ with another mare for a quick-”

“Max, no! That is not true!” Rarity protested. “Please ignore him. These are some of the strange things I warned you about.”

Fleur passed me a sly smile. “If it’s all the same to you, dear Rarity, I’d like to hear the rest of the story.”

“I’m so sorry to disappoint, but the story is all false anyway. This is the first formal party I’ve ever gone to with Rarity.” I said.

“Surely you have more stories, though! Any stallion worth his bits has a few good ones he likes to tell.” Fleur stated.

“How true. Do tell us something from your past, if it's no issue.” Fancy asked.

I tapped my chin. “Well, I can’t tell you much about my work as an Operative, and the only things of interest that I’ve done are illegal. I could tell you some of my life before I came to Equestria I suppose, though I don’t think the subject matter is terribly proper for polite conversation.”

Fleur and Fancy cast a few quick glances around us. Fancy said, “Perhaps we’ll take our conversation where polite ears can’t hear?”

“That does sound like the best plan of action. Our new friend has piqued my interest.” Fleur’s smile turned sultry and I wondered just what we were going to be doing, wherever we were going.

Fancy obviously noticed his wife’s sudden change, but all he did to address it was lift a brow. I’ve noticed that outside of Ponyville, the Ponies tend to be a bit more astute when it comes to social nuances and certain inflections. I still considered Ponies gullible by and large, but that didn’t mean that there weren’t a few that are as keen as I am. Crimson, for one, pays enough attention to get by, but I would like to cite that incident in Gryphonia as evidence of certain Ponies not having much of a self-preservation mechanism.

The mustachioed gentleman lead the way up stairs. Apparently the third floor was cordoned off for private conversations and the like, though I could hear more giggling from the rooms than any actual conversation. I mentioned that to the group and I got a few chuckles for my attentiveness. Rarity laughed because she didn’t know what the Hell we were talking about, but it was fine. She didn’t actually need to know what was going on until someone started stripping, though I may have just misread Fleur’s look. Still, my boosted perception allows me to know how someone is feeling most of the time, and it told me that Fleur wanted a piece of me.

Using the same power, I could tell that Fancy was mostly indifferent to his wife’s flirtation, though I swear I could sense some envy coming from him, and it wasn’t aimed at me, however, I do think it was because of me. If I wasn’t mistaken, then I had two nobles trying to put the sex on me. And here I thought that I’d needed to bring a date.

Fancy took us into his study and had Rarity and I take a seat. He grabbed some crystal from a cabinet and Fleur did the same. Fleur set a wine glass in front of Rarity and Fancy set a tumbler in front of me. None of the four glasses stayed empty very long, and when Fancy tool the first sip of his scotch, I took it as my cue to delve into some of my more exciting feats. Within twenty minutes of telling them about the time I stole a replica of the royal crown from an armored truck using a very well mapped out plan, I had everyone in the room wrapped around my finger. As with all good stories, I kept the embellishment down to a believable level, though I may have exaggerated the worth of the fake crown. I’d only gotten a few thousand quid for the thing, though I knew it was worth a lot more since it was made from real gold, but I’d had one Hell of a time trying to fence the thing myself.

Once I finished up with my third story, Fancy regaled us with some of his own. I found them to be quite interesting, though Fleur and Rarity seemed to think otherwise. During a bathroom break, Rarity told me that it was because all we were doing was bragging about our glory days like old men, so I gave her a kiss on the cheek and called her my favourite trophy wife. Rarity actually took it as a compliment. What that says about her character, I’ll not write here.

We rejoined Fleur and Fancy for some more drinks, though I dropped a hint to Fancy so that we would allow the ladies to speak. He picked up the hint and accepted it reluctantly, and I quickly found out why. At least when we had been talking about ourselves we’d actually been sharing important information from our past that explains why we are how we are. Fleur and Rarity just gossiped for forty minutes, and I was ready to blow my fucking head of by the ten minute mark. Eventually, Fancy asked Rarity if he could show her around a bit, which meant that Rarity really couldn’t refuse for fear of being rude, leaving me with Fleur. Alone. In a secluded area. Where people were already playing around. After quite a few drinks. If I wasn’t being set up, then I didn’t know what was happening.

Fleur sat down next to me once her husband and my date were out of the room. “So, Max. You have some very interesting stories, though I can’t say that I believe them.”

I extended a hand and she placed one of hers within its grasp. “You’re a smart woman. You should never believe what you hear, though in this case, I’m sad to say that most of what I’ve said is true.”

“Why would you be sad to be a dashing rogue?” Fleur flirted shamelessly. “Living above the law, meeting all kinds of ponies, taking what you want.”

“It’s because there’s plenty more that goes into it than that, love.” Fleur blushed lightly. “There’s the constant paranoia, betrayal, and double crossing you’ve got to keep an eye out for, as well as making sure the law doesn’t catch up to you and doing your best to make the right decisions the first time.”

“Yet you managed all of it and came out on top.” Fleur complimented. “That has to take intelligence, perseverance, and stamina.”

“You’re right, and I’ve got them all in spades. But what about you, my sweet flower? What are you made of?”

“You know, not many ponies know that my name is Prench.” Fleur answered, dodging the question.

“I’m not a pony, and I’m not most people anyways. I’m a one of a kind, love.”

Fleur took her hand from mine and stroked my cheek. “Yes, you are. I daresay that I’ve never seen a creature quite like you.”

“That’s because I’m the only one, you xenophile.” I grinned. “I’m the only human on this planet that we know of.”

Fleur smiled at me. “Truly one of a kind, then. You know, there’s something about you that I just can’t put a finger on.”

I held up her ring. “Is it this?”

Fleur glanced at her hands and her eyes widened. “I never even felt it!”

I handed it back to her. “Skilled hands, love. Sorry for taking your lovely ring, but I wanted to prove a point.”

“And that point is?”

“If I could steal your ring without you noticing, what does that mean for your heart?” I grinned devilishly.

Fleur leaned forward and rested her hand on her chin, grinning. “A thief who can take nearly anything. I see why you’re an Operative.”

I smiled. “That includes people. What do you say, Fleur? Could I steal you away for the night?”

Fleur’s hand went to her bosom. “Why, Max, I had no idea you were thinking of such things! What would my husband say?” She gasped playfully.

“I think he would say ‘Hurry up, I can’t keep Rarity busy forever.’.” I chuckled.

Fleur smiled and stood up. I followed her to the door with my eyes and watched her lock it before she came back and offered her hand to me. “I trust that you know how to treat a lady?” She asked.

I rose and stepped well within her personal space. “What I know and what I do can be very different things, love. I’ll try not to mess your hair up, if that makes you feel any better.”

I don’t know if it made her feel any better, but I do know that the first time around, Fleur’s mane survived well enough. By round three, I’d gone and fucked it up nice and proper, and Fleur had loved every second of our time together. Thankfully, I’d learned some shit about fixing hair from my time as Roxy and was able to help her get it under control, though me helping her with her hair lead to us messing it up again. Fleur would have gone for round five had I not reminded her that we were on a time limit that we’d most likely run down during round two. Fleur was thoroughly disappointed, and that tickled my pride in just the right way.

Fleur and I left the study roughly two and a half hours after we’d started. I asked Fleur if Fancy was going to bother trying to charm Rarity and she told me that there wasn’t a chance. I asked what she meant and she said that Rarity just wasn’t Fancy’s type, which kind of confirmed my earlier suspicions. While we were on the second floor looking for our dates, I asked, “Is Fancy gay, or is he just really picky?”

“Why the ‘or’? Can he not be both?” Fleur teased.

“I was just curious. You know, I thought marriage was supposed to be exclusive despite the polygamous aspects of Equestrian life.”

“Are you really worrying about that now?” Fleur asked, surprised.

“I’m not worrying about it at all. I would have asked you three hours ago, but you’re both attractive and pleasant, so it’s not like I was going to risk asking questions.”

Fleur touched my arm and gave me a smile. “To answer your question, it’s supposed to be, but Fancy and I have an agreement of sorts. I do trust you’ll keep this conversation between us, won’t you?”

“Love, you and Fancy are some of the few nobles I actually like. I’m not going to risk alienating some of the most pleasant people I’ve met for the sake of gossiping. I believe Fancy and I share an opinion on the matter.”

We dodged some people on our way back to the first floor. Music was still playing, so Fleur took a moment to enjoy it over the dull roar that was the crowd. “I’m glad that you and he share the same sense of loyalty, then. I would have expected something similar from Fancy himself.”

“The fellow and I have a lot in common, though our tastes are different. I’d like to say that mine is generally better.”

“Oh? Would you dare say that to Fancy?” Fleur asked coyly.

“I would. His sense of decor is perfectly fine, but his taste in ‘partners’ could use some work. Why go for anything other than the masterpiece he already has by his side?”

“If you flatter me any more, we’re going to have to go back upstairs.” She warned me, completely serious.

“As tempting as that might be, I do believe the party’s winding down.” I observed. There were fewer people than there had been, but there were still plenty around.

“I assure you, Fancy can handle Rarity as long as he needs to.” Fleur said. “We could spend the rest of the night together and I doubt that she would be able to get away from him if he didn’t want her to.”

“The power of polite conversation and social maneuvering can be quite scary. It’s nice to know that I don’t have to deal with anyone using that particular piece of leverage against me.”

“How so?”

“I don’t care that much. If I really want to get away from someone, Rarity and I have very different ways of disentangling ourselves.”

“And what would your way be, hmm?” Fleur asked.

“Cussing someone out until they get the picture. It might not be the prettiest way to get someone to leave you alone, but I find it to be one of the most effective ways of verbally degrading someone until they no longer feel the desire to talk to you. In fact, it’s been known to work longer than most other ways. I’ve cussed people out and had them avoid me for years, despite seeing me on a daily basis.”

“Ooh, does this mean the the 'Big Bad Operative' is going to be mean to me?” Fleur asked coquettishly.

“No, it means that the ‘Big Bad Operative’ might not stop between rounds next time.” I remarked casually.

Fleur gave me a dirty smile. She touched my arm again and pointed out our dates. I hadn’t really been looking since I was secretly hoping for round five, but I was fine with finding them. Rarity looked relieved when she spotted us, and I couldn’t help but wonder just how boring the past couple of hours had been for her. Just as I was about to mention that Rarity’s dress seemed like it had gotten tighter, I bit my cheek, so I took that as the universe's way of telling me to shut the fuck up.

Fleur and I rejoined Rarity and Fancy. Fleur was quick to send Fancy and I off for some drink so she and Rarity could talk. The older gentleman and I grabbed some champagne, though I stopped him on our way back to ask, “Are you sure you’re okay with the night’s events? I can’t take my actions back, but I can apologize for stepping on your toes.”

Fancy shook his head and waved his glass about. “I knew that my Fleur would take a liking to you within minutes of meeting you, so I set you two up. I wouldn’t have taken Rarity for such a long walk if I hadn’t planned for Fleur to ‘get some action’, as it were, tonight.”

“Back in my world, we’d probably be fighting right now.” I chuckled. “It’s odd to think that I was set up by a woman’s husband.”

“I suppose it is, but it’s just how Fleur and I operate. I’m sure she’s told you that these words don’t need to be repeated.”

“I already planned on keeping it quiet. Lord forbid we give some of the folks around here any more to talk about.”

“My thoughts exactly. Just between us chaps, how was she?” Fancy asked.

“She was probably the second best I’ve ever had to be honest with you. Before I continue that sentence, I need to know that you’ll let this information stay within this conversation.”

“Of course. Mum’s the word.”

“Lovely. The only woman that I’ve had more fun with was Celestia herself.”

“Surely you jest!” He exclaimed suddenly, his eyes shooting open. He also spilled a few drops of champagne, but they were unimportant. Fancy just stared at me for a moment.

“I’m being completely serious, and don’t call me Shirley.”

Fancy closed ranks and got closer to me so we wouldn’t be overheard. “You know that I have the connections to confirm that, correct?”

“You’re welcome to utilize those connections, though I still want you to keep it on the down low. Celestia and I didn’t go public while we were together for a reason.”

“Wait, you courted the Princess?” He asked incredulously.

“I did. I met her student, Twilight Sparkle, and she introduced us. My general lack of respect for authority and willingness to treat Celestia like any other person got me into her good graces, though I don’t suggest that anyone else do it. I only get away with talking so much nonsense to royalty because, and I quote, ‘I’m cute and exotic’.

“My dear sir, you Imust tell me about some of your experiences with the Princess!”

We stopped and I told him about the first time I got to lay Celestia, or rather, the time I almost got to lay Celestia. Twilight’s interference was something that I had to remind myself of. I still needed to make her apologize for that. Fancy got a kick out of that story, so I told him about the time Celestia spanked me in the middle of Day Court while Luna watched, and some of what happened afterward. I lied about why Celestia had turned me into a woman, though I did leave in the part where she forced me to stay a woman for a week. Since she hadn’t done it as a form of punishment, and I had agreed to it (As far as Fancy Pants knew), it wasn’t illegal. The spanking story took some convincing, but by the end of it, I think Fancy believed what I’d told him. I didn’t really care whether or not he believed me outright, but I didn’t want the guy to think I was just some spinner of tall tales and I told him as much.

It had taken about twenty minutes to get back to our dates, though they appeared to have not noticed our extended absence at all. We handed off drinks to each others dates to see if they would notice and they just kept talking like we weren’t there. Fancy caught my eye, so we bounced.

He’d lead the way the last couple times we’d walked together, so I took him outside and showed him a little item that I’d brought along with me. “So Fancy, do you fancy a little smoke session?”

Fancy reached out and pulled a beautiful pipe from his own pocket. It was gilded and chased in gold and silver, and the wood was a lovely, dark ebony. “I wouldn’t mind too terribly. Do you have your own mix of herbs that you like, or do you go with the shop special?”

“I don’t know about a mix of herbs, but there’s one in particular that I like.” I pulled out the little box that I keep my finely chopped bud in. “I don’t believe there’s a shop that sells smokeables in Ponyville.”

“Oh? So where did you get this from?” Fancy asked.

“This comes from my own personal garden, and it’s one of my favorite intoxicants. I can’t promise that you’ll like the taste, but everyone I’ve shown it to likes the effects pretty well.”

“So what is this herb called? It reminds me a lot of mugwort.”

“I forget what it’s called in Equestria, but on my planet it was called marijuana, weed, ganja, or grass.” I stuffed my pipe and handed the box off to Fancy Pants before lighting up a match. I puffed on the plant easily. “Make sure you don’t draw too hard. It’ll make you cough if you’re not careful.”

“Trust me, lad, this isn’t my first rodeo.” Fancy chuckled. He packed his own wonderful little piece and handed my box back to me. Once he took his first puff, recognition dawned on his face. “I know this herb! I was having brunch with Princess Celestia and a stack of brownies suddenly appeared along with a note, and those brownies tasted a bit like this!”

“Sorry you got caught up in my prank, mate, but I’m sure you had a good time with it.” I grinned.

Fancy mimicked me. “I did, though I didn’t move for a few hours. The guards came in and thought we were poisoned!”

I had been hitting my pipe at that moment, so I choked on smoke and laughter. “Dear Lord, I didn’t take that into account! At least Celestia wasn’t too mad at me.”

“Fleur may not be happy with you when she learns that you’re the one who nearly got her arrested for treason. When she partook in your prank, she came onto Princess Luna rather fiercely. If nopony else had been affected, then I’m sure that Princess Luna would have done something.”

“Luna isn’t really the playful one out of the two of them, though she does have a mischievous streak in her.”

Fancy and I passed the time, puffing on our respective pipes and talking about nothing of importance. Fancy loosened up and actually swore a couple times after he finished his bowl, which surprised me quite a bit. I was even more shocked to find that he was still standing since I was pretty lit myself. Fancy told me that his pipe had a smaller bowl than mine did, and I took his word for it because I’m not about to go digging through the guy’s pockets to figure out whether or not he was telling the truth. Rarity and Fleur eventually came outside to tell us to get our arses out of the biting wind and snow, but Fancy and I were perfectly fine where we were. My English blood offered me a little resistance to the cold and Fancy had been through worse in his time as a soldier, so neither of us were in a rush to come back outside, and the drinks we had in us probably didn't hurt at all. Our dates, however, had decided that our presence was necessary then and there, so we finished what we’d been smoking on and rejoined them.

Fancy and I learned that the reason they wanted us around was so that we could say our goodbyes to the majority of the party goers. Midnight had come and gone a few hours ago, so luckily there weren’t many people to see off, though Fancy asked Rarity and I to stay behind so we could spend some more time together. I was actually glad that I was going to get to talk to Fancy Pants some more. The guy was cooler than a polar bear’s toenails, and far more pleasant to look at. Fleur was also pleasant, but I desired male company more than meaningless sex at the moment, so I wasn’t as excited about spending more time with her.

It took an hour for everybody to get the fuck out of the house, and Rarity was looking pretty tired, despite her claiming that she was wide awake. I left it at that since she’s a grown ass woman who makes her own decisions, though I did warn her that I would purposefully forget her coat if she fell asleep. Rarity in turn warned me that she would forget to give me my presents if I did that. Of course, I objected heavily to her using gifts that were already late as bargaining chips, but I guess finding her coat wouldn’t suck enough to make me avoid getting it. Still, that was some real bullshit.

I saw Fleur walking towards us and waved. She stopped where she was and gestured for us to come to her. We ended up following her upstairs, and I started to get a little nervous. We went up to the third floor and started walking toward the study, which made me even more nervous before I realized that I didn’t give a single shit whether or not Rarity knew that I slept with Fleur. What was she going to do, bitch at me? Take my presents away?

Our little trio walked into the room and I was surprised to find that it didn’t reek of sex. Sure, you could catch a whiff of it on the air, but someone had been polite enough to light a few candles and open a window. That did mean that it was a bit chilly in there, but Fancy closed the window when we came in, allowing the fireplace to do its work. Rarity and I sat on a large loveseat a few meters away from where Fleur had taken up residence on Fancy’s lap.

“You know, it’s rather rare for us to have guests over after the party.” Fleur commented, inspecting her nails. “I suppose that would mean that you two are special.”

I didn’t miss the inflection in her voice, but Rarity did. “Thank you for having us, Fleur, Fancy, it really has been a wonderful time! Hopefully Max will throw a party sometime soon so you can come visit us- er, him, in Ponyville.” Rarity smiled uneasily after her misstep. She’d told me that she didn’t want anyone to know that she was from a small, no name town, despite my assurances that her status as an Element of Harmony would negate any negative responses. Hell, everyone in Canterlot already knew, according to Fancy. Neither of us guys understood why she was so worried about representing her home town, though I did mention that there were just sucky people out there that would judge her for something she had no control over.

“I might.” I admitted. “I’ll probably only invite you two and a few others from Canterlot. As much as I tolerate my position as a Baron, I’m not exactly looking to dive into the life of an Aristocrat.”

“It certainly does take some getting used to.” Fancy admitted. “I know when I became Guard Captain, I was unused to dealing with nobles or the noble way of life. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the luxury of being able to take it as it came, though I did have Fleur to help me out.”

“That’s pretty much where we are.” I replied. “Rarity helps me with things of this nature, and I suffer for it.” I grinned. Rarity swatted my shoulder and I leaned away from her.

“You do not! Why, I’m beginning to think that you just want ponies to think I’m evil!” Rarity protested.

“He’s just having some fun with you, dear. No need to take it to heart.” Fleur admonished gently.

“If he would learn to stop, I wouldn’t mind as much.” Rarity responded drily. Fancy and I had a chuckle at that, though Fleur narrowed her eyes at her tone.

“Perhaps if you weren’t so serious all the time, he wouldn’t poke fun at you.” Fleur replied with an edge to her voice.

I decided to step in before things got uncomfortable. “It’s just how I am. Rarity has already come to terms with it, she’s just trying to make me into a more polite fellow.”

Rarity snapped and beamed. “Exactly! I wanted to say that, but I didn’t want to embarrass you.”

I heard Fleur mutter, “It’s embarrassing enough to have you on his arm.” Fancy also picked up on it since she was sitting in his lap. I didn’t miss the pinch he gave her as a result, though, yet again, it seemed as though Rarity was completely oblivious. Of course, Fleur hadn’t exactly shouted what she’d said, but I thought that it was audible enough. Sometimes my advanced perception screws with me.

“You can’t embarrass me, Rarity. I embarrass you, that’s how these things go.” I remarked calmly while giving Fleur a pointed glare.

“Oh Max, with your charm, I doubt there’s much you could do to embarrass a mare that you couldn’t fix.” Fleur surmised.

“Darling, if you spent more time around him, you would know exactly what I mean.” Rarity gave me a small smile and some side eye. “Max might be charming and loveable, but sometimes he likes to argue.”

“Hey now, that’s just false. I don’t like to argue, I like being right!” I smiled goofily.

“Don’t all stallions?” Fleur sighed mockingly.

“You say that, but it goes doubly so for mares.” Fancy chuckled. We traded a look and the women did the same.

“Come to think of it, Fancy, I know that you’re older than me, but you don’t feel like it. How many years have you been on this planet, if you don’t mind my asking?” I inquired.

“I’m forty three, but I was sure that you knew that already.” Fancy said.

“I never asked.” I said, scratching my head. “You know, the last person I asked gave me a similar response. Do you Ponies just know each other’s age on sight?”

Rarity, Fleur and Fancy looked at each other in turn. “...I guess I never really thought of it.” Rarity admitted.

“I believe it’s the same story for us.” Fleur said.

“That’s so strange.” I stated. “Maybe I should ask your age if I can get you away from the strict limitations of polite conversation.” I said cheekily.

“Don’t you know it’s impolite to ask a lady’s age?” Rarity chided.

“Don’t you know it’s impolite to point out someone else being impolite? We’ve had this conversation, bonny.”

Before Rarity could respond, Fleur said, “Bonny? What an adorable little pet name!”

“Why, thank you!” Rarity held a hand to her chest. “Max told me that it means beautiful in his country.”

Fancy raised a brow. “What does it really mean?”

I shrugged. “Beautiful. I was raised in a way that won’t allow me to call a woman anything she isn’t, which is why I never call Rarity cute.”

Rarity sat up a bit straighter and looked at me. “What do you mean by that?” She asked with a bit of an edge to her voice.

“I have to admit, you’ve sparked my curiosity.” Fleur said.

“First I pique your interest, now I spark your curiosity? Hopefully I’ll galvanize your attention next.” I grinned.

“Max, I would like it if you answered my question. “Rarity said coldly.

I let the smile melt off of my face. “Change your tone and I’ll consider it.”

Rarity crossed her arms and leveled a glare at me, so I ignored the fuck out of her. “Could I interest you in some more marijuana, Fancy?”

“I believe I’m fine, but I would like Fleur to try some if you don’t mind.” Fancy replied.

“Not at all.” He pulled his pipe out and I tossed him my box. Fancy got everything set up for her, and Fleur took a hit.

“It’s better than your usual blend.” Fleur stated neutrally. “What’s this called again?”

“Marijuana. I’d say I grow it myself, but I have a gardener who takes care of my plants when I don’t feel like doing it.” Which is pretty much all the time.

Fleur took another puff and frowned at the pipe. “It’s awfully strong, isn’t it? I think I’m beginning to get a little light headed.”

“That’s the point of smoking it. It induces lightheadedness.” I answered with a grin.

Fleur looked at Fancy and he nodded, so she shrugged and puffed away. Fancy levitated my box back to me because Unicorns are fucking lazy in Equestria, though I wasn’t about to say that. I packed my own pipe and started puffing on it.

“So how did you two meet?” I asked once I got my shit lit.

“Oh, please dear?” Fleur asked, batting her eyelashes at Fancy.

He rolled his eyes and patted her thigh. “Go on.”

Fleur’s smile grew brighter. “I met Fancy when he was still just a member of the Guard, and I was still in Magic School. I was a young filly, and he was the most dashing stallion I’d ever seen.” She said sweetly. “I’ll never forget the day my class went on a field trip to see the guard’s training grounds. Fancy was standing there, clashing with one of his fellow guards during a sparring match. I still remember the way his mane stuck to his face, the sound of his sword clashing against that other stallion’s-”

“Stone’s Throw was a mare, dear. And she was a buffalo, actually.” Fancy corrected

“Hush and let me tell the story, will you?” Fleur asked, giving Fancy a pout that she was probably too old to be using.

Fancy gestured for her to go on, and so she did. “As I was saying, I can still see the way the sweat gleamed from his muscles when I look at him.” Fancy rolled his eyes again and smiled. “From that day on, I’d always had a massive crush on him.”

“I accidentally had her arrested because of that crush, once.” Fancy stated.

“It was just a simple misunderstanding.” Fleur said quickly.

Fancy wiggled his mustache and I saw the gleam in his eye. “She was around fifteen, and was trying to sneak into my apartment to get… Wait, what were you looking for?”

Fleur looked away from him and muttered something. “What was that, dear?” Fancy asked.

“I said that I was looking for the shirt you’d worn while sparring that day.” Fleur admitted. Her face was bright red. “I was young and in love! You can’t possibly hold that against me!”

“You know I don’t, my sweet flower,” I withheld a chuckle directed toward Fancy. “Because you don’t hold what I did when I caught you against me.”

“What did you do?” Rarity asked.

Fleur answered. “He tied me up and held me at sword point until some of his friends that were on duty showed up.”

Fancy chuckled and played with his mustache. “It wasn’t one of my better moments, but I had just gotten back from escorting an ambassador into Catro, and things went terribly for pretty much the entire. I almost got stabbed by a Cat around Fleur’s age while I was there, so I wasn’t willing to take any risks when I got home.”

“I’d noticed that he was gone the day that he left.” Fleur said proudly.

It was a shame that they faked every emotion they’d shown during the story. “How astute of you, though I’m sure Fancy didn’t necessarily feel the same way.”

“If she was older, I would have filed a restraining order.” Fancy said flatly. “Luckily for both of us, I went to talk to her after she got arrested and she told me everything about myself. I was a little amazed-”

“And a little creeped out.” I added.

Fleur looked offended. “I’m quite sure that nothing I did was creepy!”

Fancy just pursed his lips and looked down, finding particular interest in Fleur’s dress. Fleur swatted his arm. “Fancy Pants, you tell them that I wasn’t being creepy or else!”

“Or else what?” I challenged. When I realized what I’d said, I blinked. “Sorry, I’m so used to being the one in trouble that it just kinda came out.”

“It’s the stallions curse, old chap.” Fancy chuckled. “For the record, however, I thought it was very romantic of Fleur to pursue me as she did.”

I lifted my brows. “Right.” Fancy and I traded knowing looks and turned our gazes to our dates. Rarity made a point to not look at me, and Fleur whacked Fancy again. “You know, if you keep abusing Fancy Pants over there, I’m going to have to take you to see a fellow named Shining Armor.”

Rarity rolled her eyes and excused herself to go ‘powder her nose’ before Fleur said, “That stallion has no sense of humor.”

Fancy shook his head. “I’ve met the rest of his family. The Twilight’s are both lovely women and his father is a very kind man, which makes me wonder how he turned into such a stiff.”

“I agree for the most part, though I’ve seen Night Light’s rigid side for myself. He and Shining favor just a little when it comes to Twilight, but other than that, they’re rather different for being father and son.” I said.

“Wait, are you laying Twilight?” Fleur asked incredulously.

“I would ask which one, but the answer is the same for both of them at the moment.” Fancy and Fleur leaned forward a bit. “I’m dating Twilight Sparkle but I’m not laying her. I might like Velvet, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to go after her.”

“So you’re dating Princess Celestia’s own personal student? Cudos to you, Max!” Fleur grinned.

Fancy coughed. “If it’s status you’re congratulating him for, then I believe he’s already gone above dating Celestia’s student.”

“What do you mean by that?” She asked.

I gave Fancy a sly grin and he said, “Max? Care to explain?”

“Of course. What Fancy is getting at is that I’ve dated Celestia.”

“Preposterous!” Fleur exclaimed as Rarity was walking back in.

The white mare froze in the doorway. “I believe I’ve missed something.”

Fleur and Fancy turned back to me, so I said, “Fleur and Fancy were just asking about my relationship with Celestia.”

Rarity crossed her arms and glared at me. “I didn’t ask you anything.”

“Rarity, stop acting like a petulant fucking child and get over yourself for the duration of this conversation. You’re always barking at me about maturity, so take your own advice and just let it go.”

Rarity turned her nose up at me and I just stared at her. She opened an eye to peek at me and saw that I wasn’t having any of her shit, which made her sigh and drop the bullshit. “When you’re right, you’re right. I suppose. I apologize for being difficult.” She said before reclaiming her seat.

I grabbed her hand and gave her a winsome grin. “It’s fine. Next time you have a problem, just ask to have a word with me outside or something. You know I’ll listen to you, no matter what.”

Rarity beamed and looked to Fleur. “I just love his reasonable side! It never fails to shine through whatever mood I happen to be in.”

Fancy and I traded a look. Fleur and Rarity had started talking about the good sides and bad sides of us, which meant that we were stuck listening to them. I saw Fancy start packing his pipe, so I did the same with mine. In the middle of me pinching some bud to put in my bowl, I noticed that Fancy was hovering his own stash of smokeables in front of me. I went half and half since I still wanted to get high, and used my telekinetic tentacle to send both of our boxes over to him. Fancy did the same thing I did; sit back and tune out the babbling going on.

Rarity said something to me and I came back to Earth. “Beg pardon, love? I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Really?” She said blandly. “I hadn’t noticed. Fleur asked about your relationship with Celestia, and I told her that you two had dated, but broke up for some reason. I asked what that reason was.”

“Oh. Celestia messed up a few too many times for me to forgive.” I answered simply.

Jaws dropped around the room. “What? Is there something on my face?”

Fancy had broken out of his own reverie to stare at me. “When you said that you dated Celestia, I was certain that she’d broken up with you.”

“How does one break up with Princess Celestia of all ponies?” Fleur asked, shocked.

“I do concur, Max. I never knew that you broke up with her!” Rarity said, equally stunned.

“I don’t talk about it for a reason. We didn’t really break up, we’re just separated at the moment.” That made me think about the number of mares that I’d slept with outside of Fluttershy and Rarity. That number was only three, which included Mary, the Mayor, and now Fleur. I don’t think I recorded the time I spent with Lyra, though I didn’t really count that one as ‘sleeping’ with her. Still, I’d upped my number by a bit, though it wasn't like I couldn’t do that while I was with Celestia.

“So it was a nasty break up.” Fancy guessed.

“It was pretty bad.” I admitted. “We talked things out in the end and we’re still friends now, but some serious changes need to be made before we can get back together again.”

“Like what?” Fleur asked, leaning forward as I’m sure Rarity would have done if she hadn’t been sitting next to me.

“Like she needs to keep her hands out of my life when it doesn’t concern her, and that’s as deep as I’m going into this topic. I hate to be impolite, but it’s really not something I want to talk about.”

“Are you sure you dumped the Princess, and that it wasn’t the other way around?” Rarity asked.

I gave her a hurt look. “I’m pretty sure that I told the woman I loved the most in this world to take a hike, yeah.”

Rarity pursed her lips and looked away. I wasn’t actually hurt, but I knew I was supposed to be or something like that, so I played the part. In fact, I didn’t mind talking about my relationship with Celestia at all as long as we didn’t get too far into it, but I didn’t want to give away any of Celestia’s secrets since I knew that could undermine her position if used properly, so I tried for the ‘forlorn, heart broken fellow who did what he had to’ routine.

“I do apologize for bringing up such a sore subject, but my curiosity got the better of me.” Fleur said. “Could you forgive us for our tresspasses into your privacy?”

I jabbed Rarity in the side, causing her to jump and squeak adorably. “You see, Rarity? This is what Pinkie should have done when she stole my journal. Apology accepted and forgiveness given, Fleur.”

“I already know that. Why did you poke me?” Rarity huffed.

“Because you do cute things when I do.” I answered.

“I thought you said I wasn’t cute?” Rarity crossed her arms.

“You’re not cute, you’re beautiful. You just happen to do cute things.” I shrugged.

“What’s the difference!?” She blurted.

“May I take this one?” Fancy asked. I gestured for him to go ahead and he said, “There is a certain difference in beauty and cuteness, my dear Rarity. Foals are cute, mares are beautiful. Either way, Max is giving you a compliment. I do believe that this is what he meant earlier.”

Rarity blushed and covered her mouth. “Are you saying that I got so upset over being complimented?”

“Yes, we are. I was wondering why you were upset.” Fleur said.

I raised a hand. “I knew why, I just wasn’t having your attitude.”

“So instead of clarifying you exacerbated the problem?” Fleur asked.

I shrugged. “I never said that I was nice. I did say that I would have answered her question if she changed her tone, however.”

Fleur continued looking at me. “...Maybe you didn’t understand me. I just pointed out that you made the problem worse-”

“I know what exacerbate means, love, and I know what you meant. What you don’t understand about me is that I’m apathetic about, well, most things. It’s so incredibly difficult for me to give a damn that I stopped trying. If it doesn’t happen naturally, I rarely try to force it these days.” I shrugged. “I didn’t care for Rarity’s attitude, so I wasn’t going to deal with it.”

Fleur and Fancy traded a look. “...How much of your business as an Operative does Rarity know of?”

“Not enough to keep going down this path. Who here likes the Canterlot Crown Confectionery?” I tried to switch topics.

“Max, how many lives have you ended?” Fancy asked softly.

I glanced at Rarity. She was staring at me. “We’re not talking about this. Not right now.”

“Max, you know I wouldn’t judge you for anything-” Rarity started.

I cut her off. “You do it constantly. There’s no reason for me to give you more to judge me on, and there’s no reason to continue on this topic.”

Fleur tapped Fancy Pant’s shoulder twice and got up from his lap. He rose, walking over to Rarity. “I believe Fleur and Max have something they need to discuss. Perhaps we could pick up where we left off?”

She looked between myself and Fancy. “While I appreciate the offer, I’d rather be by Max’s side.”

I closed my eyes and sighed. “It’ll be easier on all of us if you just go with him, bonny. I’ll finish up with Fleur soon enough.”

Fancy gave me a look that screamed ‘Dats wot u tink m8’, Cockney accent and all. “Leave the door open when you’ve finished; we’ll make a few circuits around the house before returning.”

Rarity reluctantly followed him out, and Fleur took her place next to me on the loveseat. “You know, Max, it really does help to talk to somepony. I’ve been where you are, and you’re not alone in this.”

“Fleur, I’m literally the only human on this planet.” I chuckled.

She frowned deeply. “That’s not funny.”

“It is to me. I’ve made my peace with what I’ve done and who I am now, Fleur, I’ll be okay. We don’t need to have this conversation.”

Fleur gave me a long, hard look before she presented her forearm to me. “Feel my coat.” She commanded.

I raised a brow at her and ran a finger down her arm. “Okay, I’ve touched your coat.”

Fleur continued to stare at me while she took my hand and pressed it against her forearm. I felt something there that made my heart skip a beat. “You feel it, don’t you?”

“...Yeah.”

“I used to say the same thing you are now. I used to tell my friends that I was fine, and that I would get over it eventually. I lied to Fancy’s face and told him that I’d already made my peace with my work as an Operative. He found me, and the only thing that saved my life was the magic he learned as a Day Guard medic. I know what it feels like when you don’t care whether or not you see tomorrow, and I know what it feels like to feel so alone that even the ponies closest to you feel like their on the other side of the planet. I have been there, Max. I’ve felt your pain, I have lived through your struggle. I know we aren’t exactly the best of friends, but let me be there for you, as one Operative to another.

“Humans are different from Ponies, Fleur.” I stroked her scar gently. “I will be fine, I just-”

“You just what? You just want to make your friends and loved ones suffer when your gone? You just want it to be over so you don’t have to deal with it anymore?”

I grit my teeth. “I just need more time. I will get over it, if not for my own sake then for my friends and loved ones.”

“I can see I’m not getting through to you.”

“No, Fleur, I hear you! I’m listening. It’s just that-”

“How many times have you tried already?”

“...I’m not answering that.”

“Max.”

“Fleur.”

Fleur set her jaw and the sleeves of my suit suddenly went up my arms, exposing my forearms. “Kingslayer?”

“A token from a mission.”

Fleur’s jaw dropped. “You didn’t.”

“It’s effectively the reason I’m a Baron. Hurt like a bitch.”

Fleur shook her head. “Did you do this?”

“No, someone else did. It should have healed by now, but the cuts were pretty deep. If she hadn’t sewn me up, I probably would have bled to death.”

“It’s good that you didn’t do this. I don’t see any other scars…”

I had to grit my teeth to avoid blurting out that the other ones had healed when I’d died. No one besides me and Celestia knew about the first ones. “You won’t. There aren’t any more.”

Fleur’s horn glowed weakly. “That’s not the whole truth, Max.”

“Are you seriously using lie detection magic on me? Fucking seriously?” I said indignantly.

“If you would just tell me the truth, I wouldn’t have to.” Fleur said evenly.

I got up to open the door to the study, but Fleur’s magic enveloped my hand. “Let. Go.” I murmured darkly.

“How many times have you tried to kill yourself?”

“I lost fucking count after twenty, now kindly fuck off.”

Fleur’s jaw found it’s usual place on the floor. “...How are you alive?”

“I heal too fast to slit my wrists, eat poison, or drink myself to death. There aren’t any high places near Ponyville, so I never got to try jumping. Drowning only works if no one catches you, so that one was a bust. Nothing in the Everfree is willing to risk crossing me anymore, so there goes getting eaten alive. Is that the answer you’re fucking looking for, Fleur? Did you really want to reopen old wounds so you could close them like they already were!?”

Fleur took my hands in hers, but I snatched them away. “Max, those wounds aren’t closed-”

“Well they were perfectly fucking ignorable until you brought them up, so thanks for that, really.” I snarled.

Fleur sighed. “So how many lives have you taken?”

“By my own hand, fifteen. I’ve technically killed twenty people.” I said, losing a bit of my steam.

“Wow… You’re so young.” Fleur shook her head sadly. “It’s a shame that you’ve had to go through this, but I doubt that there are many who would have lasted as long as you have.”

“The only reason I’m alive right now is because I died and came back stronger. I would have been perfectly happy staying dead.”

“How did you die?” Fleur asked. I guess she knew better than to ask if it was true.

“I had a witch doctor whip up a couple potions for me and a friends so we could talk to animals. It worked, but the berries we used to make the potion are poisonous to humans, and they killed me within a few minutes of drinking it.”

“How are you alive?”

“Celestia and Twilight Sparkle brought me back with magic, though they were aided by something far more powerful than both of them, if my journals are correct.”

“So you don’t remember what happened after you died?” Fleur asked.

“I did. Long enough to get everything written down. I don’t know if I was hallucinating before I died, but when I came back, I knew exactly how long I’d been gone and who was trying to bring me back. I also knew that I had new powers that I didn’t have before. My journals said that the thing that gave me my powers made it so that I would only be able to remember what I’d gone through long enough to get it written down.” My heart had twinged throughout, warning me to be a little more vague.

“I know I’ve just spent the past few minutes digging far too deeply into your personal life, but do you think I could read those entries sometime?” Fleur asked.

“I would, but if they get read by eyes other than mine, and I knowingly let it happen, I’ll die a very painful, very long death, so I’m not exactly loose with the information I’ve given you. As it is, I could feel some things that are telling me that I can’t really explain much more than I already have.”

“Do you know what brought you back? I mean, if there’s something out there more powerful than Princess Celestia-”

“To answer your question, yes I do know what brought me back. I tell people that it was a Leshy, and that’s effectively what brought me back, depending on you definition of a forest.” You could call a planet with trees on it a forest. It has trees like a forest. My logic might be a bit wonky, but that’s my story and I’m sticking to it, though by my own logic, you could technically call Earth a house. “And there are a lot of things out there more powerful than Celestia. It’s just that when you’re immortal and nearly all powerful, doing whatever you want loses it’s luster, so most of them just keep their hands off the world. The only reason Celestia rules Equestria is because she feels like it more often than not.”

“But if that’s the case, then why don’t other countries have leaders as powerful as Princess Celestia? If there’s as many as you say, then there should be far more immortal rulers than the two that we have.”

“I’m guessing that Celestia is just in a certain place on the power ladder. She’s more powerful than the mortals, but she’s not as powerful as the Almighty. She’s probably just somewhere in the middle” I shrugged. “I don’t really know.”

“You know, you really are an interesting stallion.” Fleur grabbed my hand and smiled. “Keep that in mind next time you’re tempted to try another attempt.”

“And you really are nosier than an anteater.” I responded drily, Fleur looked taken aback before I let a small smile slip. “But, I do have to admit that you were right. The lives I’ve taken will always weigh on my conscience, but I needed to get my suicide attempts off of my chest. I trust that this conversation never leaves this moment.”

“Of course, though I want to request that I be allowed to tell my husband if he asks.”

I nodded. “It’s fine by me, but if I hear that this spread on your watch, I’m coming back to kill you.”

Fleur rolled her eyes. “I’m certain that if such a thing were to occur, that you’d only take a single limb as payment.”

“You never know: I might show up pissed and start making blood slugs.” I lifted my hands, palm upward. “You just never know.”

“As much as I love being idly threatened, I think I’ll just keep our conversation between us and Fancy.”

“Please do. I’ve never actually made a blood slug, and I don’t really want to start.”

“Let me know if you ever do. I’m sure some well placed morbid curiosity might lead us to something new.”

What the fuck? Was this bitch neck deep in Katawa Shoujo or something? “...You might want to reword that, love, because it sounds like you have an amputee fetish.”

Fleur blushed and swatted my arm. “The only fetishes I have are rough sex and roleplaying! I assure you, I have no interest in amputees.”

“That’s pretty shallow of you. Have you ever considered how they might feel? Because being snubbed by a woman as beautiful as you might drive them to something drastic.”

“How is that my problem? If I don’t find them attractive, then I have no obligation to them whatsoever, shallow or not.” Fleur huffed.

“It’s not your problem. You ate the bait, love.” I grinned and Fleur swatted me one more time.

“Talking to you is like trying understand Neighponese, I swear.” Fleur chuckled. “I really haven’t met another creature like you in all my years.”

“Speaking of your years, how many of them are there?” I asked.

“Didn’t Rarity tell you that it’s impolite to ask a mare her age?” Fleur scolded playfully.

“I think the need for politeness goes out the window after you sleep with someone. After you’ve given your body over to a person, is there really any reason to maintain social grace in private?”

Fleur tapped her chin. “I suppose you have a point, just don’t be upset with me.”

“Why would I be?” I asked.

“Well, being over thirty means that some stallions aren’t as proud of their conquest.” Fleur answered, looking down at her hands.

“I honestly don’t see why. I’d be proud, no, I am proud that I nailed one of the three hottest women I’ve ever met. I don’t see why being over thirty would have anything to do with anything unless you’re some kind of pedophile.”

Fleur patted my leg and chuckled. “I know you understand why, but it’s nice of you to say that.”

“Alright, just because I get it doesn’t mean I approve, obviously. Really though, why would you think that age matters to me? I dated the one of, if not the`oldest being on this planet.”

She blinked a couple times. “I didn’t think about that. I guess I just assumed that you thought like a stallion around your age, despite what you’ve shown me of your character.”

“How old do you think I am, sixteen?” I responded, mildly offended.

“I know it’s poor decor to tell a pony you’ve slept with about past experiences, but I think it’s rather important to the conversation for you to know that I’ve been spurned at least four times because I pretend to be younger so I can fit the ‘trophy wife’ image.” Fleur scrunched her face up in disdain. “If it wouldn’t ruin me, I would be honest about how old I am, but it will so I won’t.” She shrugged.

I patted her knee and sighed. “C’est la vie. At least know that I'm not going to judge you for being over thirty, though that does beg the question of which thirty are you.”

“I’m the first one after zero.” Fleur chuckled. “Approximately ten years older than you.”

“How do you know how old I am?” I asked.

“Didn’t the odd fact that ponies immediately know each other’s age come up in conversation?”

“Okay, fair point. Still, that’s super weird to me.”

“It’s just a normal part of Equestrian life, as far as I know. The question has never come up while I was abroad either.”

It took me a second to piece together ‘abroad’ rather than ‘a broad’. “Speaking of, where all have you been so far? It’s pretty rare that I meet another Operative.”

“Oh dear, I’ve been just about everywhere. Neighpon, Gryphonia, the Dragon Lands, Bridleland, Scotchland, Whales, Mexicolt, you name it, I’ve probably been there. I just recently retired as an Operative, after all.”

“It does pay pretty well. Care to share any interesting missions?”

“Well, there was the time I went to Neighpon to assassinate some rebel upstart, though I think I would rather hear about you. How did you get to Adolph when even Princess Luna failed?”

“I’ll tell you if you tell me about Neighpon, wherever that is.”

“It’s a medium sized island on the east coast Zhongguo, one of the largest countries in the world.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re talking about the equivalent of my world’s Japan, then. They fit the description pretty well.”

Fleur nodded and proceeded to tell me about the Neighpon mission. According to Fleur, it was her third mission as an Operative, and it had taken months of preparation . Luckily, Fleur had always been good with languages, so learning Neighponese wasn’t an issue, though she did forget a word every now and again. She’d entered the country via Teleportation Station and met up with the contact there before taking a long wagon ride to a place called Noshappu, a town on the Soya Bay Peninsula. Once she arrived there, she spent a week scoping out her target and the security before making her move. The night she was slated to kill her target, however, ninjas showed up and actually helped her with the job. She later learned that the ninjas were two of the fellows sons that had grown up to hate their father because of his abusive ways and harsh nature.

Fleur told me that when she’d watched the fellow, all she’d ever seen was him picking up and playing with his younger children while he was outside. Apparently, he’d actually been a pretty good guy in life, and learning that a year after the hit nearly destroyed Fleur. I noticed that her enthusiasm took a severe hit, so I told her about my assassination of King Adolph. She shook her head at my method of getting to him, and I really couldn’t blame her since it was needlessly violent, though she assured me that she was just surprised that it worked. Fleur’s jaw found the floor again when I told her that Queen Elfriede had actually, physically caught me, but let me go after I pretended to be a rebel that was trying to put her in power. I made sure to hold Fleur chin for her when I spoke about Elfriede wanting some dick from me so it wouldn’t bruise or get from spending so much time on the ground.

I had just finished my story when we heard a knock on the door. “Oh my, how long have we been talking?” Fleur asked before getting up to go get the door.

“About two hours. It’s already four in the morning.” I answered.

I heard Fancy say, “I hate to interrupt, but are you two finished?”

Fleur let them in. “We’ve actually been finished for some time now, we just forgot to open the door.” She giggled.

“I see from your mood that things went well.” Fancy observed.

“Yeah yeah yeah, we had a real Hallmark moment.” I grumbled loudly.

“I don’t know what that is, but it sounds like a good thing.” Rarity chimed in.

“It is. After our little talk, Fleur and I have been trading stories from times gone by.” I explained. “We kinda lost track of time.”

“I’m sure you could stand to learn a lot from Fleur, if you pay attention.” Rarity said.

Fleur pouted comically. “Now Rarity, that’s unfair to Max. He’s been quite the well mannered colt while I’ve been looking after him.”

Rarity snorted. “He’s only so well mannered for so long. I’m honestly surprised he hasn’t offended anypony yet.”

“Who says I haven’t? Maybe I offended Fleur while you were gone, ever think of that?” I jested.

“It wouldn’t surprised me.” Rarity yawned. “As much as I’d love to stay, shouldn’t we be getting back to our room, Max?”

“It is pretty early.” I tilted my head toward Rarity.

“Don’t you mean late?” She asked.

Fleur, Fancy, and I all chorused, “No.”

“Well then.” Rarity said, pursing her lips. “I suppose I’m out of the loop.”

“You can be in my loop anytime you want to be.” I grinned and stood up before stretching.

“Speaking of the time, isn’t it a little late in the night slash early in the day to be going places?” Fancy asked. “Why don’t you two just stay here for the, well, not quite night, but you know what I mean.”

I looked to Rarity. “We’d be delighted!” She answered for me.

Fleur caught my eye and gave me a subtle wink, making me grin in anticipation of the delayed round five. Fancy lead Rarity and I to separate rooms, but neither of us objected. I think Rarity was just happy that she didn’t have to share a room with me for when the morning came, and I was glad to be away from her morning halitosis. Seriously, shit was absolutely savage.

Rarity was worried about not having her usual kit with her, so Fleur and Fancy teamed up with her to teleport back to our room in the hotel to grab some of our things. Apparently they trusted me enough to leave me alone in their house, so I made sure not to betray that trust and stayed put in the study while they were gone. They came back with a ‘pop’, making me jump a little, though any noises that they claim I made did not happen.

Fancy was carrying my shit, and Fleur was helping Rarity levitate the ridiculous amount of things she’d brought with her. Fancy and I had a conversation without words about women and excessive packing, both of us chuckling. If you’ve never had a conversation without saying anything, then you probably don’t understand. I’m not going to fucking explain here because I understand it, and if you’re reading this, then I better be there to explain it, or I’m knocking your teeth down your throat, through your ass, then back into your ass and through your mouth. If you’re not with me, that’s your fucking problem, now iddinit?

Asides aside, I only had to wait thirty minutes for someone to come knocking on my door, though much to my surprise, it wasn’t Fleur. Rarity stormed in right past me when I opened the door. Thankfully, she’d totally ignored the thing I said, so I was in the clear for the time being.

“Maximus, do you even realize how terrible you made me look to Fleur and Fancy? You can’t even trust me enough to tell me how many ponies you’ve killed, but you can tell Fleur?” Rarity hissed. “Are we even friends, Max-”

I cut her off with a black glare. Rarity took the finger she was pointing at me,curled it to allow it to join the other fingers, then lifted that hand to her chest like she was pulling a string that would dump a bucket of fecal matter onto her. I wasn’t even mad, I just wanted her to shut up so I could say something, but I had to pretend to be mad for the sake of seeming like I have emotions. Life is really tedious sometimes.

I pointed a finger at her. “Rarity, don’t go there. I trust you with my life, and you damn well know that, so don’t you even think for a moment I don’t consider you one of the closest friends I’ve ever had.” Which was fucking sad, but true. I paused for dramatic effect and lowered my finger. “The reason I talked to Fleur instead of you or any of the girls is because she was an Operative like I was. What you need to understand is that everything about my works need to stay secret. When I say everything, I mean it. What I do cannot escape my lips beyond vague hints if I’m not talking to another Operative, save for Celestia and Luna.”

Rarity set her jaw when I stopped glaring at her. “So why did you tell Fleur and not either of the Princesses? You always claim to be friends with them, don’t you?”

I laughed in her face because she thought she had a point. “Listen, you really don’t understand my relationship with the Princesses. I’ve already told you that Luna has plans to kill me, and I assure you that she will enact them if the time ever comes. Luna will not hesitate to strike me down, so why would I talk to her about what’s just on my mind? We make barbed jokes to each other, play some pretty mean ‘pranks’, and occasionally talk about what’s on her mind because I’m one of the few outlets she has.”

Rarity opened her mouth to speak, but I cut her off. “And that’s probably the healthiest relationship I have out of the two of them, honestly. At least I know where I stand with Luna; with Celestia, she could kiss, kill or kidnap me, and there isn’t a damned thing I could do about if she really wanted to. If you could understand the levels of bullshit that Celestia has put me through,” I stopped before I could say that she’d made us forget multiple occurrences, “then you would understand why I deal with Celestia at length now. Seriously, do you think I really want to be talking to her right now? Do you think that our correspondences mean that I’ve magically forgiven her for… Multiple mistakes? Because I haven’t, Rarity. I’m still livid with Celestia, but she could wipe me off of the face of this planet, just like her sister will if she thought I didn’t need to be around any more.”

Rarity stared at me with her mouth slightly open, like words were dying on her breath as she drew air. I grinned. “My life has literally been at risk ever since I first spoke to Celestia, and I rather doubt that thought has crossed your mind, seeing as how you happen to think that the Princesses are really my friends. I’m allowed to ask favors of them because I make life interesting for them, I listen when they want me to, and they fuck with my life enough as it is that doing something nice for me every once in awhile isn’t a big deal, especially when they ask for something in return.”

There was a knock at the door, so I answered it, and once I saw that it was Fleur standing there, I said, “Oh, hullo there. Gimme like, fifteen to twenty minutes to make things up to Rarity and I’ll be right with you.”

“...Is everything okay?” She asked cautiously. “I’ve been here for a little while.”

“I’m just doing some much needed venting about my relationships with the Princesses. If you could-”

“I’ll never repeat a word. I’ll see you soon, Max.” Fleur said with a flirtatious smile.

I just grinned by way of response. I turned back to see tears streaming down Rarity’s face. “If it makes you feel any better, I’m not mad at you any more.”

“M-Marginally, b-but I-I can’t b-believe the P-Princesses m-mistreat you so, Max!” She half sobbed.

“I deal with it. It’s not as bad as I said it is, I was just angry, so things came out harsher than they really are.” I lied. Well, it may have been the truth. I thought what I’d said was correct, but it’s not like I could see into Celestia and Luna’s minds.

“R-Really?” Rarity asked through her tears.

“Pretty much.” I shrugged. “Oh, and Fleur and Fancy don’t think you’re a bad friend or a bad person. Fancy left with you because I can’t legally say anything to him, either.”

Rarity dried her eyes and I brought it in for a hug. “That actually does make me feel a fair bit better. Thank you.” She said, gently pushing me away.

“I spend too much time infuriating you, don’t I?”

“Far too much, but it makes it even nicer when you actually try to be pleasant.” Rarity offered me a little smile.

“I try all the time, I just don’t put much effort in on occasion.” I gave her a peck on the cheek and she lazily swatted at me before heading toward the door.

“Of course you do. If I pass Fleur on the way to my room, I’ll send her in... “ Rarity paused with the door halfway open and closed it. “Max?”

“Yes, bonny?” I raised my brows.

“...Are you sleeping with Fleur?” She asked slowly, as if she were testing the words out before releasing them.

“Yup. Sure am. Fancy knows.”

“I was going to tell you that he did, but if you already know that he knows… How can you look him in the eye?”

“Because he set me up with her. It’s just how their thing works.” I shrugged.

Rarity pursed her lips and nodded. “Do you mind if I ask if you’ve been with her recently?”

“Do you really want that question answered? Fleur isn’t going to replace you in my life or anything, if that’s what you’re worried about. I already have one hard headed, stubborn, fashion obsessed piece of delicious marshmallowy goodness, and I don’t think I need another.”

Rarity blinked a few times before responding. “I don’t believe I’ve ever had a stallion that could truly guess, without any help, what was on my mind. I would feel silly for feeling that way since we’re not even dating, but I’m too busy being surprised.”

“Guess that makes me a one of a kind.” I sighed. Thanks to Fleur bringing up the fact that I was soul crushingly lonely, that phrase lost a fair deal of it’s luster.

Rarity narrowed her eyes. “Is something wrong?”

“Just the usual only-being-of-my-species-on-a-foreign-planet-with-no-hope-of-seeing-my-home-again.” I answered casually. “I tried not to think about it, but it came up earlier while I was talking to Fleur, and I still don’t really care to address it.”

“I would press you, but I don’t want to make you angry again…”

I wondered if I should tell her that I faked most of the emotions she saw for a moment. “At least I don’t stay mad very long. Just have a neutral party interrupt while I’m yelling, and look scared when I turn back to look at you. I’ll feel bad, and even if I know what you’re doing, it’ll probably knock the edge off.”

“You know you’ve just given me a free pass to infuriate you whenever I see fit, correct?”

“You could do that, but I might end up killing you because I can hold a grudge like no other.”

“...I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”

I threw my hands up in the air. “That’s why I don’t talk to anyone about how killing people makes me feel! It’s super uncomfortable!”

I swear Rarity closed her eyes and counted to ten. “Goodnight, Max.”

“Sweet dreams, bonny. Sweet dreams of me, that is.”

Rarity walked out the door while muttering, “Celestia knows I need another nightmare.”

“I heard that!” I called out after her.

In the ten or so minutes I had left before Fleur was due to come back, I changed into my night clothes so I could chill in bed without wrinkling my suit. I probably could have just gone naked since everyone in the house knew I was about to get laid, but I thought that seemed a little excessive. Besides, it was more fun if you had clothes to take off of each other: just like unwrapping a present.

Fleur returned soon enough and we proceeded to do a little dance, make a little love, and get down. Actually, we just had some rough sex that ended with me gaining the knowledge of what being bitten by a pony feels like. It’s really weird. Their teeth are a bit wider than a Human’s and they’re all flat, so it didn’t hurt at all, it was just a bit unsettling. It was like being bitten by a giant crisp clip that had little indentations mottled about it’s teeth. I didn’t mention any of this to Fleur since I didn’t know if she’d even get what I was talking about. I did, however, whisper sweet nothings in her ear until she fell asleep like a good little gigolo.

The Sun rose soon after I finished up with Fleur, and I was still wide awake. I fixed that issue with the advent of some herbal remedies and eventually passed out while marvelling at how soft Fleur’s mane was. Needless to say, I’d probably ruined the room with the smell of weed and sex.

I just realized that I live a life of vice. High five.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I woke up at two in the afternoon and waited for Fleur to get up. She’d taken her makeup off last night before we’d gone to bed, so I looked at her natural countenance and whistled. Rarity looked better without the colorful gunk, but Fleur was still a stunner in any case. She stirred when I brushed a lock of hair off of her face and opened her eyes when I pulled back from a kiss.

“Good afternoon, sleeping beauty.” I smirked.

Fleur blinked a couple times and a smile started to ease it’s way onto her face. “Hello there, handsome. Care to try kissing me awake again? I’m not quite there.”

I leaned down and gave her another kiss.

“One more?”

Another kiss.

“Really mean it this time!”

I shrugged and went for it. By the time I was done, we were both panting lightly. It was nice to have someone who could keep up with me again. “Do you want another one, or was that good enough?”

“Different lips, same kiss. Be sure to do that thing with your tongue.” Fleur said with a cheeky grin. She pushed the comforter off of her and stretched.

I complied with her wishes, and thus began the umpteeth round. Fleur really was a voracious lover, though I was happy to try and sate her desires to the best of my ability. Honestly, I hadn’t had that much fun with sex since I’d been with Celestia. All due respect to Fluttershy, Rarity, and Mary, but they just couldn’t hold a candle to Fleur's appetite.

After some more great adult fun time, Fleur left to go fulfill her morning routine and I did the same with the amenities in my room. Luckily I’d brought my knives with me so I could shave, though the Warbling Blade is the only one sharp enough to use for such a purpose. I was very careful not to nick myself and even got a nice, close shave while I did it. Shaving with a knife always adds points to the Man Card, so I felt like the risk of cutting bits of my face off was worth it. If it weren’t dangerous, it wouldn’t be worth doing.

I meandered about the house for a little bit until I found Fancy puffing on his pipe outside on the patio. I went back upstairs to grab my coat and pipe before I joined him, though all we did was sit in companionable silence and listen to the sounds of Canterlot. I didn’t feel the need to say anything because we’d already talked all fucking night, and I was pretty sure that he felt the same way. I was going to stay out and smoke another bowl, but Fancy got up and asked if I wanted to collect the ladies to go grab some breakfast at a little shop he knew. I was all for it since it meant I didn’t have to cook. I doubt that Fleur or Fancy would have let me, but still.

Fleur joined us an hour before Rarity got her lazy arse up and moving, so we spent the time telling stories to each other. Fleur told another story of her adventures as an Operative, Fancy went with his first assignment as Guard Captain, and I cut down the story that I’d used for my Midnight Stroll book so I wouldn’t take up too much time. Rarity came down to the sitting room around five thirty, so we finally got a move on and went to a some bistro with a complicated name. Every dish was fancier than Fancy himself, but that didn’t dissuade me in any way. I never understood why people back on Earth used to take pictures of their food. Just fucking eat it, nobody cares.

Our late lunch was nice, although there was a biting chill waiting to escort us home. It took it’s toll on my nose, but I was fine enough with my coat, gloves, and ratty old scarf. Fleur and Rarity had dressed for cold weather, but none of us had expected it to get so cold so quickly, which meant that our poor damsels were in distress. I caught Fancy’s eyes and nodded toward Rarity. He gave me a nod in return and we removed our coats simultaneously, handing them off to Fleur and Rarity respectively. They thanked us because they were supposed to and I embraced the cold like I was a Stark, my nipples turning into diamonds within seconds.

Luckily I was wearing another suit, so it’s not like it was noticeable. Without my warm peacoat, it was a little brisk out, though Fancy seemed to be weathering the weather whether he had his coat or not. I mimicked his stoicism in the face of face-numbing adversity and we soldiered on through the cold winds. I tried to keep everyone’s spirits up by telling terrible jokes on the way, and I got the pained groans I desired from my witty puns. Despite being told to end Rarity’s suffering, I abstained from beheading her as per her request.

Fancy and I walked Fleur and Rarity back to their mansion so we could get some quality archipelago time in. The older fellow lead the way toward his favorite smoke shop, a place called ‘Smoky’s Bowls and Better’. The name was rather uninspired, but it’s not like the name had anything to do with the quality of the shop’s wares. Just walking in, there was a sense of old money that seemed to choke the air, though that might have just been the copious amount of smoke in the room. Displays with beautiful pieces lined the walls and there were a few islands dotted about that held the particularly expensive pieces.

Fancy and I roamed around to see what I liked, and this one piece stood out to me above all others. It was a dark, ashen wood with a high polish and a timber wolf motif etched into it, wrapping around the sides with the majority of the picture on the bottom of the pipe. I fell in love with it immediately and pulled out my pocket watch to compare the engravings. Looking at them together, they seemed awfully similar, so I showed Fancy Pants my little discovery and he asked the clerk to remove the pipe from the display case so I could purchase it. The older gentleman hobbled off into the back room and returned with a replacement for the case in a handkerchief. He used some magic to lift the case and swapped the pipes, using another handkerchief to pick up the one I intended to buy.

Fancy asked me to show the old man my pocket watch, so I did, and when he saw them together, he told me that they’d been made by the same mare, and he even knew where she worked. I gave him a nice tip for that information and paid for my new piece before dragging Fancy along to go meet my favorite luxury item producer. Our destination was actually pretty close since we were in the arts and crafts section of town, so it didn’t take us long to cross the fucking street.

We walked into a shop that only had a menagerie of tools as decoration on its sign, though there wasn’t anyone at the counter. In fact, the front of the place looked like it was rarely ever used, so I called out, “Hullo? Anyone home?”

There was a clash from further in, but I thought it would be rude to invite myself in any further, so I hung back at the doorway until a disheveled looking woman came strutting in from out of my line of sight. She was around my age, if I had to guess, and she looked awfully familiar. She had a cream colored coat and a dark brown mane that hung to her shoulders. She reminded me an awful lot of Nebula, come to think of it.

“Who the hay are you?” She asked testily.

I help up my purchase from earlier. “Did you make this?”

She came closer and took the piece from me to inspect it. “Yeah, I did. What’s it to you?” She handed it back.

I held up the pocket watch. “You make this too?”

She did the same thing with it. “Yeah, I made them. Again, what’s it to you?”

“I like the things you make. How do I know if you made them?” I asked simply.

The woman blinked. “I’m the only pony who uses timber wolves that I know of.”

“Well that solves that. If you make anything else, send me a message via Dragon Fire or carrier pigeon. Whichever works for you. I’ll probably buy whatever it is, if it’s the same quality as either of these.”

“Sorry to rain on your parade, bub, but I stopped making that garbage a couple years ago.”

I shook my head. “Shame, you were good at it. I suppose I could leave you to whatever you were doing now.”

“Please do. It was very important work.”

“I swear, if you say that you’re cooking up poison, then I’m going to flip my shit.”

She just looked at me. I took that as my cue to leave, so I lead Fancy out onto the streets, and he took over from there to get us back to his place. It didn’t bother me that there wouldn’t be any more timber wolf pieces, but it did bother me that I hadn’t learned the craftswoman’s name, despite seeking her out. At least I had met the person that made my cool shit.

Fancy and I had our coats back, so the cold wasn’t as much of an issue as it had been before. There was another place that my host wanted to show me, so I walked with him to a genteel club that was full of stuffy old dudes. Most of the rooms in the placed had smoke pouring out of them, and the heady herbal odor made me go anosmic within minutes. Still, I got this one old guy incredibly high, so the trip was well worth it.

After I’d had my fun and Fancy had done a smidge of damage control, we went back to his place, and from Fleur’s body language, I immediately knew something was wrong. Fancy picked up on it himself and went to go have a word with her, so I went to go find Rarity to do the same, but before I could get far, Fleur told me that Rarity had gone back to the hotel room in lieu of staying around any longer. I asked about what happened and she said that she and Rarity had just had a disagreement on whether or not some secrets need to stay secret.

Fleur was of the opinion that some secrets could only be told to certain people that fulfill various requirements. Rarity believed that a secret shared with a friend was sacred, the ultimate form of trust, and she thought that I had robbed her of the opportunity to grow closer to me. Fleur had argued that the information I shared would have alienated her from me, despite Rarity’s claims, and Rarity had a problem with that. After a brief clash of harsh words, Rarity stormed out. I couldn’t do much more than shake my head at my friend’s particular brand of bullshit. It killed me that she still didn’t quite get the idea of me not being able to talk about certain things, but I was tired of explaining the same thing to her, over and over again. I felt like I needed to have a very loud word with her on the specifics of why she shouldn’t keep asking about what I do as an Operative. I mean, a loud conversation would get my point across in the usual fashion, but I thought about going for a scolding based around staring Rarity down. I knew that I could, and I could be more polite that way while sounding lethal, so I decided to go with that.

Fancy wished me luck and Fleur told me that she hoped Rarity would get over it. She wasn’t quite that blunt, but that’s pretty much what she said. I marched on through the streets of Canterlot, backtracking every so often because I hadn’t really been paying attention when Rarity and I rode to Fancy’s. When I got to the hotel, I learned that I’d actually shown up before Rarity. I waited around in her room until she came in, shivering and miserable. She plopped down next to me and laid her head on my shoulder. I was tempted to shrug her off, but if I could solve this in a nice way, I guessed that I could do that.

“Bonny, what’s really eating at you?” I asked softly.

“Oh, I don’t know! I thought that I was jealous of the attention you were giving Fleur, but then it just got out of hand. I heard you last night and this morning, and I just… It’s hard to let you be your own stallion sometimes. I… I don’t want to be just friends with you, but I refuse to share you as anything but a friend! Do you understand what I’m saying, Max?”

“You’re either in love with me or obsessed with me.” I answered casually.

“...You’re not making this easy.”

“Let me ask you a few questions and I’ll make it easier.”

Rarity hesitated. “Go on.”

“Why wait until now to say anything? We went months without much more than the occasional cuddle, and all the while I was with Fluttershy, but you never said anything. Why do you feel threatened by Fleur, but not by Fluttershy?” I asked.

“Fluttershy is just so different from me that she doesn’t really threaten your affection for me in my eyes. I really tried to keep my emotions out of our agreement, Max, I really did, but after the first time I woke up in your arms… It was over for me.” She admitted.

I closed my eyes and sighed, drawing in the silence for the moment. I looked at Rarity and said, “I’ll tell you the same thing I told Fluttershy, and the same thing I told Celestia. I’m not someone you can tie down and expect to keep on a leash at you leisure. I will not allow you to control my life beyond the interactions I have with you. I’m a terrible person with terrible secrets, and if you can’t accept these four facts, then you’ll only end up miserable by my side. Fluttershy learned to let me talk when I’m ready, and Twilight learned to ask the right questions. What have you learned?”

Rarity thought about it for a moment. “...I suppose I haven’t really given what you need much thought. I thought that you only needed a shoulder to cry on on rare occasions, but I didn’t want to face the fact that you don’t really cry anymore. You hold your pain inside and only let it show during those rare times when you can open up. It’s not really a question of whether or not you want to, it’s more like it’s whether or not you can.”

“That’s pretty accurate, though it’s not like I ever really want to open up. I’ve never been one to share his feelings beyond an argument, which is how Fleur got me to talk in the first place.”

“So I have to make you angry for you to let me know how you feel?” Rarity asked.

“Depending on what you’re trying to find out, then yes. I’d prefer it if you just let me have my space, but that’s usually what needs to happen for me to get something off of my chest.”

Rarity sighed heavily. “I suppose I’ll have to keep my distance from you once I apologize to Fleur for being so unpleasant. As much as I would love to try and work things out…”

“We’re just too different.” I summarized.

“That, and I don’t believe that we’ll ever find happiness with each other. I’m far too possessive to share you with just any random mare, and you desire your freedom too much.”

“What if I told you beforehand and asked if it was okay by you? I don’t exactly sleep around often, and I don’t mind as long as you get some peace from it.”

Rarity shook her head. “It wouldn’t be enough. I think it’s just better if we end our agreement and stay friends.”

“I can’t say that I’m not disappointed, but I do understand where you’re coming from. Thank you for honoring our agreement, even if it is a little late.”

“I wish that I could say it was no problem, but it’s been on my heart for some time now.”

I nodded sagely. “Understandable. So are we still going to the Equestrian Harmonic in a couple days?”

“With all due respect, I believe I’ve had my fill of Canterlot for now. I bought a ticket back to Ponyville while I was out, and I leave in two hours, so I really do need to speak with Fleur before I go. If you want to join me, you know that you’re welcome, but I do hope that you’ll stay to see them perform.” She gave me a wan smile. “It would be a wonderful opportunity for you to take Twilight’s parent’s out so you can get to know them better, and you can spend some more time with Fancy and Fleur. I know you’ve taken quite the liking to them.” Rarity said wistfully.

“I’m sure that Fleur will forgive you, and I know Fancy understands your struggle better than I do. I’ll ask Night Light and Velvet if they want to go, because that’s a fucking wonderful idea. I like those guys.”

“I hope she will, and don’t you usually only say ‘fuck’,” She used some air quotes, “when you’re upset.”

“No, I say fuck all the time. I use fuck to describe a lot of things, actually.”

“I’ve noticed, but you say it more often when you’re upset.”

“I tend to, but it’s not always an indicator. Fuck you for thinking that, by the way.”

Rarity rolled her eyes and rose from the bed. “Whatever you say, Max. I’m going to go see Fleur, are you coming?”

I thought about it. “Do you want me there for some kind of emotional support?”

“It would be easier for me, but I’m not asking you to come with me as anything other than a bystander.”

“Then I’m just going to head to Twilight’s parent’s place, if that’s the case. I’ll meet you at the train station before you go.”

“Don’t bother.” Rarity said quickly. “It’ll just be an inconvenience for you.”

“I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t want to, bonny-”

“Please stop calling me that.” Rarity asked.

“...Yeah. Okay. I’ll see you in Ponyville then.”

“Until then, Max.”

Rarity left the room and I suddenly felt like I didn’t want to be there either, so I grabbed my coat and hit the streets. It was pretty dark out, but the street lamps lit the main roads just fine, though it didn’t matter to me at all. I was travelling through the alleyways, looking for a spot of trouble or a scuffle to get my mind off of Rarity. I hated that things would never be the same between us, and I wished that I could have fallen in love with Rarity so that I wouldn’t have had to lose her. It already caused a little ache in my chest, knowing that I’d probably just lost a friend as well as a lover, and I wasn’t trying to deal that shit at the moment, so I did what I did the first time I was allowed out and about at night in Canterlot: I found a place to case.

I wanted nothing more than to get into action, but I had to keep a cool head if I was planning on plying my trade, so after I marked my mark on my mental map, I meandered through the streets until I found Night Light and Velvet’s house. If I could, I would try to burn some time there so my mark had a bit of time to go to sleep, but it’s not like I would hold them up if they were preparing for bed themselves.

After waiting for a minute or two, Night Light answered the door. He greeted me much more cheerfully than he had the last time, so I asked him if he and his wife would like to accompany me to the Equestrian Harmonic in a two days. Night Light told me that they’d already been planning to go and invited me to sit in the balcony seating they’d secured with a few friends. There were still a few open seats as long as I bought a ticket for one of them, so I agreed to sit with them as long as I could include Fancy and Fleur in some of the aforementioned open seats. He was kind enough to let me know that Fleur and Fancy were also planning on attending, so that meant I pretty much had my night to myself if I so desired.

I couldn’t find a reason to take up any more of his time, so I bid him goodnight and fucked off, trolling through back alleys for a couple hours. It was one in the morning when I came across a familiar little jazz joint that still had it’s lights on. I pushed my plans for breaking and entering to the back of my mind and walked in. Surprisingly, the first thing I noticed was that the same cellist was on stage. I kept an eye on her while I walked into the bar, which caused me to bump into someone. I whipped my head around and spotted a slightly off white colored coat that happened to be on a rather cute young woman. Her hair was a combination of blue and electric blue that told me that this one liked to party and her shades were pretty cool.

“My bad, love, I wasn’t watching myself.” I apologized.

She looked me up and down with a scowl. “Be more careful, will you? It’s not like it’s exactly close quarters.”

“If I hadn’t just apologized, I’d do it here. Let me buy you a drink to show you that I meant it.”

She gave me a befuddled look. “Don’t most ponies just apologize again and go on with their lives?”

“You might want to take your glasses off, love. I’m not exactly a Pony.”

She smirked and took her glasses off. “Wow, they make you look better.”

“I think you look fine without them, don’t be so hard on yourself.” I jibed.

She rolled her eyes. “I wasn’t talking about-”

I interrupted her. “I know what you were talking about, I’m not dumb. I suppose you would have figured that out if you weren’t so busy making cliche jokes.”

The woman shook her head at me before sitting at the bar. I stood by for a moment to see if she would say anything else, so I wasn’t surprised when she asked, “Didn’t you say you were going to buy me a drink?”

“Sorry, I only buy drinks for people with names.” I said as I sat next to her.

She rolled her eyes again. “My name’s Vinyl Scratch, and I’d like a Wonder-Clap.”

The bartender heard her from a meter or so away and raised a brow at me. I gave him the nod and thus I opened a tab for the night. “So what the Hell is a Wonder-Clap?”

“It’s a Cloudsdale special, a mix of a Wonderbolt and a Thunderclap.” Vinyl answered.

“What goes into it is what I’m asking. The liquor, not the names.”

It was a night for eye rolling apparently. “How do you drink, but not know what goes into anything?”

I pulled out my pipe and packed it while she was talking. “Because I don’t usually drink at bars or clubs. There just isn’t much of a club scene where I live, though I might start coming here if the cellist on stage keeps coming back.”

“So you’re not a Canterlot native, nor do you live in Canterlot. Why the buck are you here at party pony hours?”

“I ran out of shit to do. I was originally just here for a party with some nobles I don’t despise and to go see the Equestrian Harmonic next time they perform, but now I’m looking for some trouble.”

Vinyl snorted. “That explains why you look like some stuck up douche, but that doesn’t explain why you’re here.” She said, pointing downward. The bartender passed her her drink, and it looked pretty good.

“Oh. The first and last time I came here, the cellist was playing, so I stopped looking for trouble and came in for a drink.” I just went with some bourbon because it felt like a bourbon kinda night to me. My drink was a lot easier to make, so I got it within seconds

“You know the cellist has a name, right?”

“People tend to, don’t they?” I asked sarcastically.

“You’re a real smart ass, you know that?”

“I also induce headaches and arousal depending on the conversation. Sometimes I do both at the same time.”

Vinyl laughed. “I’m so warning Octavia to stay away from you. You’d send her straight into a conniption or something like, five minutes into a conversation.”

“Do whatever you want as long as you don’t cock block me. If her hands can work an instrument like that, just think about what she could do to you.” I chuckled.

Vinyl guffawed. “Dude, I’m telling her you said that when she takes a break. That’s just too funny!”

“Give me a chance to tell her that she’s great before you do. I’d like her first impression of me to be half decent at least.”

“You say that like you care.”

“Hey, just because I approached you with snark and sarcasm doesn’t mean I do the same thing to everyone.”

“You bumped into me! Sorry I was a little salty, but you could’ve tried being nice or something.”

I scoffed. “You’re not crying or mad, so be happy. I could have been a much bigger prick if I felt like it.”

“You say that like I couldn’t be just as bad.” Vinyl said, sipping her drink.

“I doubt it. You’re too short and sweet to be mean.” I flirted shamelessly.

“Smooth… Wait, what’s your name again?” She asked.

“Max. I can’t believe you already forgot my name. Am I that boring?” I asked with a grin. I hadn’t mentioned my name on purpose so she would have to ask, though I’ll warn any eligible bachelors out there that it only works if a girl is interested in you in any way.

“Max. I don’t think you told me your name. I would remember something as interesting as that.”

“Are you sure you haven’t just been drinking too much? You’ve had so many Wonder-Claps, your hair turned blue!”

Vinyl looked at me like I was stupid before smiling like she was stupid. “Hey, what do you say I introduce you to Octavia now? She just finished her set.”

I looked over to the stage to see that Vinyl was correct. Octavia had left her cello resting on a stand, but she herself had disappeared. “Huh, would you look at that. Yeah, we can do that if you don’t mind.”

Vinyl picked her drink up and I left a fifty bit piece on the counter when I grabbed my own because I wasn’t done yet. I followed Vinyl onto the stage and through the curtains to a back room where Octavia was changing clothes. I immediately left the room, though Vinyl didn’t follow me, which I imagined was her plan in the first place. She’d probably lead me in there to see whether or not I would stay for an eyeful, and I hoped that I’d made the right choice in leaving.

While I was bemoaning the fact that I may have just ruined a potential threesome, Vinyl opened the door and gave me a shit eating grin. “Sorry, I forgot that Octy likes to change when she’s finished with her sets for the night. You can come in now.”

I gave her a flat look and her smile deeped. “Oi! Octavia!” I shouted.

Vinyl gave me an odd look. “Yes?” I heard from behind the door.

“Are you decent?” I called back.

“Yes.” She responded. Vinyl just huffed and went back inside, so I followed her shortly thereafter.

When I stepped back into the room, I saw that Vinyl had removed the jacket she had been wearing and that Octavia was, in fact, clothed this time. “Hullo, Octavia. It’s nice to put a name to the number.” I extended a hand to her.

“You are speaking of a musical number, yes?” She said, tilting her head.

“What else would he mean?” Vinyl asked.

“He could mean a literal number. I am unaware of all the possible ways that Max may know me.” Octavia stated.

“For the record, I know you from here. I was having lunch one day while I was meandering about town and saw you play. That was a few months ago now, but I’ve always wanted to compliment you for your artistry.”

Octavia nodded. “Thank you for your compliment. Is there anything else you wished to address?”

“Not at the moment. Thank you for your time.” I raised my drink to her and turned to leave, but Vinyl caught my arm.

“Dude, is that seriously all you have to say?” She asked, bewildered.

“I told you all I wanted to do was compliment her. What do you want me to do, bend over and ask her to shove her bow up my arse and play my intestines like she does the cello?”

“For the record, I would not fulfill that request.” Octavia remarked.

“Thank you, I wouldn’t ask you to do that.” I replied.

“If you have a song you would like to hear, I will play it for you if I know it.” Octavia offered.

“I don’t really know much about Equestrian music to be honest with you. I’d love to see you play again sometime, though.”

“If you are interested in more orchestral music, I will be performing with my band during the interlude at the Equestrian Harmonic’s performance the day after tomorrow.”

“Looks like I’m in luck, then. I already have plans to attend so I’ll see you there.” I gave her a crooked smile.

Octavia returned it with a muted one of her own. “It will be nice to know that I have a fan in the audience.”

Vinyl patted her back heartily. “You always have fans in the crowd, babe! You just need to have some confidence in yourself for once!”

“I possess confidence in my abilities-”

“But not in yourself?” I asked.

Octavia stared at me. “It is very impolite to interrupt someone.”

“It’s also impolite to blah blah blah, but something, words, and I don’t know you well enough to think that you’re a good person or something.”

Vinyl joined Octavia in staring at me. “You know you’re supposed to try and be supportive, right?”

I shrugged. “I can’t be supportive to someone who’s already doing extremely well. What if their ego explodes and I go to prison for manslaughter? Or ponyslaughter. Whichever.”

Octavia and Vinyl traded a look. “He reminds me of you.” They said in unison.

I looked between them. “Does that mean the threesome Vinyl promised is back on?

Vinyl burst out laughing and Octavia looked at me some more. “I feel no desire to participate in sexual acts involving more than one pony.”

“How about now?” I asked.

“The answer is still no.”

I snapped and sighed. “Got my hopes up for nothing.”

Vinyl caught her breath. “Octavia, you should’ve heard what he said earlier!”

“I feel as though I should not listen to anything pertaining to your actions together.” Octavia said.

Vinyl gave her a stern look. “I told you I was past all that!”

“Past all what?” I asked.

“I used to be a real party mare. Like, I really liked parties, and the things you may or may not do at them after a few drinks.” Vinyl replied.

“Ah, so you were a nympho.” I nodded sagely. “I understand your struggle.”

Vinyl joined me in nodding. “It’s so hard sometimes. Especially when I see that it's hard.”

“I know the feeling. When I see a woman with a nice bottom pass me by, it’s difficult not to try and charm her.”

Vinyl looked at me then turned around and looked at her arse. “Is that why you started talking to me? I’ll bet you were just using that bump as a way to get to me!”

I chuckled. “No, that would have failed if I’d done it on purpose. I was actually just watching Octavia play while walking.” I checked her out. “Though I probably would have talked to you anyways. You do have quite the arse.”

Vinyl rolled her eyes at my antics. “I totally just gave you a great setup, and you blew it.”

“Sorry, love, I’ll do better next time. If I feel like it.” I grinned.

“Do better now and you might get lucky.” Octavia said.

Vinyl and I looked at her. I was a little shocked that those words had actually come out of her mouth. “He might get lucky with you, but his chance at me is already gone.” Vinyl stated.

A smile started to grow on Octavia’s face. “I would be willing to bet that Max could change your mind with minimal effort.”

Vinyl snorted. “Fat chance. Have you heard this guy talk? He’s been throwing jabs at me since I met him!”

“Haven’t you ever heard that boys are mean to the girls they like?” I said with a grin. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to change your mind with words, though.”

“If you can do it with a kiss, I will give you twenty bits.” Octavia offered.

Vinyl opened her mouth to argue and I went for it. Thankfully she closed her mouth so I could actually kiss her, though she pursed her lips and tried to push me away once. I risked being a prick so I could win the bet, and it paid off since Vinyl stopped trying to get away after that one time. She eventually started getting into it, but before I let her win a bout of tongue wrestling, I pulled away and wiped away some excess.

“How’d I do?” I asked. Vinyl wasn’t as aggressive as Fleur, so I’d been able to go at my own pace.

Vinyl, however, was a little out of breath. “G-Good. You did good.”

I turned to Octavia and gave her a wink and a thumbs up. She shook her head at me, sighing. “I did not think that would happen.”

“What were you expecting? Did you think he was just going to give me a peck and be done?” Vinyl asked, crossing her arms.

“As a matter of fact, yes. Yes I did.” Octavia remarked.

“Well then maybe you should see if you want to sleep with him after one little kiss instead of trying to get me laid, if that’s how you think.”

Octavia stepped a bit closer and examined me closely. It was a bit weird since I swear I could feel her gaze, but I withstood the awkwardness and awaited her verdict all the same. “I do not want to take the risk. I must be at my best for the show.”

Vinyl scoffed. “It’s in like, two days. You have time to get some and gather yourself in two days.”

“I still do not wish to take the risk.”

I coughed a couple times to garner some attention. “I can respect that, though I’m wondering why you’re trying to get your friend laid since she doesn’t seem to have a problem with finding her own boy toys.”

“Oh, dude, Octavia’s not my friend, she’s my mare. We’re dating.”

I blinked. “That just fills me with more curiosity, both about my question and about other things.”

Octavia held up a hand. “Save you gutter thoughts for another time. I am trying to have you sleep with Vinyl because I have been unable to perform my duties as her special somepony due to my schedule. Vinyl has been abstaining from intercourse because I asked her to, but I know that it has been hard for her. I find you to be an amusing fellow, and Vinyl seems to like you, so I am okay if she chooses to sleep with you.”

I nodded. “You really just want to know who she’s doing before she does. When am I going to get those bits, by the way?”

“Exactly. And I'm sure that you will receive adequate payment.” Octavia answered.

“Well then.” Vinyl pursed her lips. “If you’re going to give me permission, then I’m just going to catch you at home…” She scratched her head. “Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

“I would not have said so otherwise, honey bunny.” Octavia stated drolly.

Vinyl blushed hard and I grinned. “The pet name is strong with this one. I like it.”

“Shut up and let’s get a move on, we don’t have all night, and I’d like to get some sleep before noon.” Vinyl said.

I scoffed. “Good luck doing anything tomorrow. I’ve brought more experienced women than you to their knees. Not for anything in particular, it’s just a dominance thing.”

Vinyl swatted my arm and gave me a dishonest frown. “The more you talk, the drier I get.”

“Sorry love,” I said, leaning into my ‘accent’ a bit, “I wasn’t being considerate. Let me make it up to you, yeah?”

I saw the corner of her mouth start twitching and she said, “We’ll see. Let me say goodbye to Octavia and I’ll catch you at the bar.”

I nodded and said farewell to my new favorite wing-mare. She didn’t even really know me and she was about to let me bang her girlfriend, which was kinda weird, but I was going to get laid out of it, so who am I to complain? I drained my drink on the walk back to the bar and picked up my pipe from where I’d left it. Usually I wouldn’t be so careless with my items of interest, but the club only had a few patrons anyway and the pipe was still full of some unknown herb, so I figured that it would be safe enough. I struck a match and mimicked a few of the other patrons, blowing smoke rings into the air. It had been some time since I’d done it, but once you learn, you don’t really forget.

Vinyl caught up with me at the bar and was eager to get back to my hotel room, so I finished my drink and we were on our way. Just to keep things from getting too quiet, I asked Vinyl a few personal questions and she gave me a whole lotta snark. In fairness, I gave it right back to her when she started asking her questions, but she did it first! Bullshit aside, we got to the hotel unaccosted. I would write down what happened, but I guess I was spoiled by Fleur. Vinyl was perfectly fine in that she could keep up, but it was like something was missing. Still, I had fun, and after a few rounds, I even got off. By the end of it, Vinyl was passed out and I was wide awake with the Sun rising on a new day. After lying around for an hour, basking in the afterglow, I lit my pipe and pulled a couch over to the window to watch the world slowly rotate. The coffee I made was expensive because it was an expensive hotel, but it was well worth it.

I spent my morning burning through my stash like it was going out of style, but I had plenty left in my bags. I’d assumed that Rarity was going to be annoying the Hell out of me during the entire trip, so I’d packed accordingly. Now that she wasn’t around to irritate me, I missed her and her prissy ways. I knew that sitting around and longing for her company wasn’t going to do me any good, which is why I stayed high all morning. Sadly, I couldn’t fall asleep, despite my constant smoking, so I got a few spare sheets of paper and wrote my journal entries.

Vinyl woke up a few minutes before I finished with my writing, but it wasn’t like she was going anywhere. We’d gotten to the hotel at five thirty or so in the morning and hadn’t gotten any rest until ten. It was six by the time Vinyl woke up, and I realized that I’d wasted an entire day waiting for her to get the fuck out of bed. There was some good news in the form of Vinyl offering to meet up with me if I was ever in town again, and a little parting gift from her by way of mouth hug. She left shortly after a shower that I’m sure was lonely, and I followed her lead about thirty minutes later.

I didn’t have anywhere that I wanted specifically to go, so I headed to the castle to say hi to Luna since the Sun had already set. Unfortunately, the castle wasn’t very close to the hotel, so I had a bit of a trek ahead of me, though I would get to stop by the Triple C on my way there. When I got there, I bought some various chocolate covered fruits for Luna, a small Germaneigh chocolate cake for Celestia, and a few biscuits for myself. They were chocolate chip, and straight out of the oven, so they still retained their gooey nature. I was in heaven for the duration of my snacking.

The Night Guards at the castle gates had no idea who I was until I flashed them the Warbling Blade. I actually got some respect from them for that, so I was sure to wish them a good night and good luck because they weren’t pricks. I knew that the Night Guards were generally more laid back than their daytime counterparts, but the disparity between them was a little excessive. I think I remember Velvet Breeze telling me that Night Guards tried to be nicer to offset their intimidating appearance.

I shouldn’t have brought her up. That still smarts a bit.

Luna really did take my advice to heart when I told her to revamp the bureaucracy. I only had to sign one paper to get into Night Court; a far cry from the ten I still had to fill out if I ever wanted to see Celestia. After giving the steward guy a completely unnecessary (and probably unwanted) hug, I walked into the Court Hall and said, “Who’s ready for a snack?”

Luna lifted her head from her hand and looked at me. “Maximus. It is good to see you, though I wish you would have told me that you were coming beforehoof.”

“Sorry, but you know how spontaneous I can be.” I grinned. “I brought you a present.”

“Present your present, then.” Luna punished.

I groaned and grabbed the box of candy I’d gotten her, walking closer to the dais. “You know that was super gross, right?”

She sniffed. “I don’t believe I know what you’re talking about. Puns are perfectly acceptable.”

“My puns are acceptable. Yours make me wish I was underneath a very large, very loud man, getting my fudge packed.” I remarked.

“I don’t see what confections have to do with anything. You really must learn to use fewer colloquialisms with me.” Luna scolded.

“If I didn’t say things you don’t understand, I wouldn’t get away with half the shit that I do.” I grinned and handed her the candy.

She opened the box and tried a piece. “Chocolate covered oranges?”

I cringed. “Okay, that sounds pretty bad. It’s supposed to be chocolate covered fruits, but I didn’t know that there were random things in there. I figured it was cherries and strawberries or something.”

Luna ate another one. “They’re not terrible. I suppose you can be nice.”

I rolled my eyes and sat down next to the throne. “You’re full of crap. Wait until you get the piece I shoved a thumbtack into, then you’ll get the idea.”

Luna tossed a piece to me. “I hope it’s that one. It would serve you right to have your own tricks turned against you.”

I popped it into my mouth. “If that’s so, then my mischief tastes like honeydew. I fucking hate honeydew.”

“So do I. That’s why I gave you that piece.”

“You suck sometimes, you know that?” I asked.

“I believe I do less sucking than yourself. How often have you found a stallion in your mouth?”

“Not as often as you have, I guarantee it. Unless you’ve been a lifelong lesbian, you’ve got little chance.”

“I would argue that a thousand years would be a long enough time to invalidate any previous encounters.”

“Eh, I’ll give it to you, though the only time I ever had a dick in my mouth, I bit it off.” I jested.

Luna chuckled. “One would assume that such a brutal method of castration might make you many enemies.”

“I’ll say. It made the rest of the gangbang rather awkward.”

Luna covered her mouth and bit back her laughter for a few seconds. Once she was done convulsing, she sighed and said, “Thank you for that. I needed a laugh.”

“Anytime, Lulu. As long as I get to keep calling you Lulu without dying or being gelded, I’ll come up with funny shit to say.”

She used her magic to whack the back of my head. “Then any other kind of abuse is fine?”

“Don’t push your luck, Blue Bean, I’ll give you a wet willy you’ll never forget.” I threatened.

“What is that?” Luna asked. I slobbered on my pinkie and put it in her ear, though the effect was different than I’d intended. Instead of shivering in disgust, Luna punched me in the ribs and that shit hurt. I took a moment to gather my breath and Luna pawed at her ear, trying to get my spit out of it.

“Why was your finger wet!?” She demanded.

“Because it’s a wet willy.” I gasped.

“I do not like them. Do not seek to give me another.”

“No problem. Won’t hear me complain.” I massaged my side.

“What manner of nonsense was that? Did you put your finger in your mouth or something?”

“It’s not like I brought a bottle of water with me.” I replied.

Now Luna shivered. “Disgusting!”

“Playground bullies have been doing it for hundreds of years, love. I’m surprised you didn’t have something like that back in your time.”

“Never. A pony’s ears are very sensitive. Too sensitive for any manner of tomfoolery.” Luna huffed.

I reached over and started rubbing her ear. Luna turned her head to look at me like I was dancing through a minefield. “I’m sowwy Lulu, I didn’t mean to huwt your eaw.”

“What are you doing?”

I grinned at her. “Rubbing your ear.”

“Why are you doing that?”

“How does it feel?”

“...Pleasant. Please stop.”

I stopped and kept my hands to myself. “I’ll have to try rubbing someone’s ears sometime. If theirs are as soft as yours, then I’ll have fun with my little experiment.”

Luna shook her head. “Playing with a pony’s ears is an intimate gesture. If my guards didn’t already know that you are my friend, they most likely would have seized you.”

“I figured they would’ve gotten to me when I got up here on the dais if they didn’t already know. When you say that it felt pleasant, what do you mean?”

“When you rub a pony’s ears, it can be either mind numbingly comforting or sensual.”

“I’m going to guess that I’m not supposed to guess which one you are out loud.”

“Your supposition is correct.” Luna tugged at my arm until I bent over so she could pat my head. “Good Max.”

“I’m not your dog, love.”

“I’m not your love, dog.”

I traded some more quips with Luna for a while longer because it’s always a fun time and she usually has some great comebacks. I left Celestia’s cake with her along with an explanation as to why I was there in the first place. Telling someone that you just desired their company is a good way to make someone’s day on occasion, and I was glad that I could make Luna smile without saying something completely retarded for once.

I didn’t really feel like doing anything, so I went back to my hotel room, and thankfully, the maid service had come through like I’d asked. I fell into bed and stared at the ceiling for a little while. I didn’t feel like doing anything, so I made myself get up and get my journal caught up. I didn’t really want to bother with them since I would have to copy them into my new journal anyway, but I didn’t want to forget anything important, so I did it anyway. I went to bed shortly after and lied there for a few hours until I eventually got dragged into the undertow.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next morning, I woke up a bit sore. I’d gotten plenty of sleep through the night despite waking up a few times, so I wasn’t lacking in energy too badly, though my pelvis was letting me know that I should have slept after having Vinyl over. In any case, I had hours before I had to head over to the Canterlot Concert Hall, so I was going to spend my time doing something productive. I decided to continue the sequel to A Single Breath, but couldn’t remember if I’d named it or not. I was only a few chapters into the story as it was and wanted to take it in a different direction, so I tore out the pages I wanted to retcon and started from there. A Thousand Moments would be better than A Single Breath if I had anything to say about it. It was going to be chock full of sweet romance, but I couldn’t help but grin at the tragedies I’d already had planned out, and thus I began my scribbling.

I passed hours with the inspiration Rarity and Vinyl had given me. I even made sure to give one of my main character’s friends some very Rarity like qualities so she could live on in my stories. I wanted to write in a character like Fleur, but I couldn’t find a way to do so that gave her the proper respect she deserved, though I tried my best anyway. Fancy also made it into the book as a love interest for the protagonist, but he was ultimately going to be dumped because of some contrary bullshit reason that I hadn’t thought of yet. The book was shaping up better than it had been before and I wondered if I should revamp the Midnight Stroll book I had in progress. I thought about it and decided to continue the series, but with a few of my less interesting stories mixed in. I was about halfway done with A Thousand Moments when I realized that I was running low on time to get prepared for the Equestrian Harmonic’s show.

I got dressed quickly and hoped that it wasn’t a black tie event. Navy blue would probably be passable, but I thought about switching up until I said fuck it and told myself that it really didn’t matter that much. I grabbed my essential gear and got to stepping, glad that I would be able to go home once this was all over. I mean, I wanted to see Octavia perform and all, but I had wanted to see the Equestrian Harmonic with a good friend and now that friend was probably not feeling very friendly toward me if our last encounter was anything to go by. I tried not to let it get me down, but it was still depressing to think that I had lost both of my original friends with benefits after love was involved. I hadn’t lost Applejack due to love, but still.

With my mood thoroughly soured, I was looking forward to seeing my noble friends so I could cheer the fuck up already, so I walked through the streets of Canterlot at a brisk pace. After a quick check with my pocket watch, I saw that I had ten minutes before the show started and only a five minute walk, so I picked up the pace and got my arse into gear. I arrived at the Concert Hall with time to spare and spotted Fancy and Fleur in the audience already, though Twilight Velvet and Night Light were nowhere to be seen. Fleur gestured for me to sit next to her, though I wondered why they were so far in the back of the balcony seating. I could see the stage just fine, but I doubted that Fleur or Fancy could. I shrugged it off and took my place next to the magnificent creature that is Fleur.

The show started and the first piece was a heartbreaker, causing Fleur and Fancy to shed a tear at the end. They started strong and the show only got better as it went, and luckily, Velvet and Night Light showed up in time to catch the majority of it. The only part I wasn’t happy about was the fact that they didn’t sit with Fancy, Fleur and I, but I dealt with it. Soon enough, the interlude began, though it was going to take a moment for Octavia and her group to get set up. Fancy went off to go talk to Night Light and Twilight Velvet for a moment, and the second he left the row, Fleur was in my lap.

“Fleur, as much as I love having you where you are, I’m kinda dating Night Light’s daughter and I really don’t want him to think I’m fucking around on her.” I said.

“Don’t worry so much. Fancy went down there to keep them busy so we could have some time. I really have taken a liking to you, Max.” Fleur flirted.

I grinned. “I see, but do you really have to be in my lap to show me that?”

“Does it hurt at all?” She asked.

“Not in any way that matters.”

Fleur kissed my nose. “Exactly. Now shut up and listen; they’re starting again

Fleur leaned so that she was out of my way and I watched as Octavia began the first few notes of her song. It was an enchanting, somewhat melancholy melody that made my heart ache, though I didn’t know why. It reached me in a way that the Equestrian Harmonic just couldn’t. Eventually the interlude ended and Fancy returned, signalling for Fleur to get off of me. I crossed my legs and waited for the band to begin again.

Sadly, I wasn’t to be left alone to enjoy the show. Fleur poked and prodded around my lap subtly until she found what she was looking for. When she did, she gave it a galvanizing squeeze, and then took her hand away, giving me a devious smile. I lifted an eyebrow by way of response and saw that Fancy was looking on with mild interest. Fleur gave me a wink and Fancy gave me a nod. I was being set up again, but this time, I was sure that Fancy would be watching, which creeped me out a little bit.

Here’s to new experiences, yeah?

(CTRL+F Scene Two is Over to Skip)

I slowly nodded by way of response and Fleur’s magic made quick work of my belt and zipper. I looked around to see if there was anyone with wandering eyes, but most people seemed solely focused on the show. I tried to relax as Fleur leaned over, but my eyes were pretty much glued to her cleavage. She took my member into her hand and gave it a couple strokes to bring it to full mast. Fleur removed the glove she’d been wearing and tried again, and this time, I was quite aware of how soft her coat was. It was odd to think that Ponies really were covered in fur rather than just having differently colored skin, but Fleur was a Pony and I’ve been told countless times that they have fur. Still, Fleur’s grip was tender, yet firm and it was enough to make me sigh softly.

Fleur stroked me gently for a few minutes and Fancy pants watched on. We made eye contact and he gave me a knowing smile that I didn’t know how to return. I was still busy being floored by the fact that he had just given me permission to fool around with his wife in public. Well, I was busy doing that up until Fleur gave me a long, slow lick. My attention immediately switched back to her ministrations and I stopped caring about the fact that her husband was watching his wife prepare to give me sucky sucky.

The elegant former Operative looked up and gave me a brilliant, sexy smile before taking my entire length into her throat in one go. I had to bite my lip to prevent myself from making a sound, but then Fleur began using her tongue to swirl around my shaft, and I couldn’t help but draw a comparison to Celestia. They were both incredibly skilled, but I was beginning to think that Fleur's ability to ply her craft more often than Celestia may have given her a leg up in this situation. Fleur had me tapping her shoulder within five minutes of her bobbing her head.

Fleur knew all too well how to properly tease someone, and I learned that as she gave me one last lick that nearly sent me over the edge. After a few moments to cool down, Fleur began again and I had my stamina back. I slouched a little in my seat and listened to the wonderful hymns that were beings played as Fleur turned my lower half into jelly.

Soon enough, I was ready to pop again, so I let Fleur know by tapping her shoulder again. She immediately pulled away, though she kept her mouth open just in case I’d been a little late. Luckily for her and her makeup, I had been right on time and after another brief cool down period, Fleur went back to work and this time, I actually tried to hold out. Ten minutes later, I failed miserably. I placed my hand on Fleur’s shoulder and she got the idea. This time, there needn’t be a break. Fleur’s head bobbed slowly, milking every moment leading up to my climax in the perfect way.

I was finally at the peak of my pleasure when Fleur bit me.

I shoved down tonnes of pure panic and tried to let her work her magic, but I was freaked the fuck out until I realized that it didn’t hurt at all. It actually felt like a welcome addition, though I wasn’t sure about how Fleur felt about the load in her mouth. I got my answer when she placed my member back where it had been, fixed my trousers, and showed me what she had collected. Then she turned around and showed Fancy. With a clearly visible swallow, my children were gone and Fleur flashed a triumphant smile.

(CTRL+F Scene Two is Over to Skip)

“Next time, we’re going to the theatere.” She announced. I glanced over to Fancy and he was raising a brow. I mimicked him and we nodded at the same time for some odd reason that I didn’t really understand. I guess the next time I came to town, I was going to get a slinger at a play or something.

The show ended with a clash of symbols and I was too busy replaying what had just happened in my head to realize that the concert was over. Fleur and Fancy shuttled me off to go say hi to Night Light and Velvet, although I’d already planned on seeing them before we left. Fancy offered to have Night Light and Velvet join them for the evening and they agreed, though I had to cut my visit short so I could collect my things and get back home. The four of them were sad to see me go, though I think Fancy and Fleur were a bit more upset than Twilight’s parents. Fancy asked me to join them very politely and very specifically, which meant that I couldn’t say no without being impolite, so I told them that I would be over shortly after paying for another night at my hotel. Fleur asked that I bring my things over and just stay the night and I agreed because, again, it would have been rude to say no.

Politeness gets you into trouble sometimes.

Fancy, Fleur, Night Light, Velvet and I borrowed a carriage so we wouldn’t have to walk home, despite the fact that all four of them were unicorns and could have teleported us home. I pointed that out and heard a collective groan from my older friends before they all joined hands. Moments later, we were out of the carriage and in Fancy and Fleur’s house. I then pointed out how lazy it was for them to teleport home instead of just waiting out the carriage ride, and I swear Night Light was about to send me back to the Concert Hall just for being difficult. I dialed it down a notch and thus a long night began.

Velvet and Fleur held up the conversation by themselves, so us fellas decided to take our party out into the cold so we could smoke in peace. No one said anything, which made me realize that guys in Equestria rarely talk that much when they’re alone, or at least, all the males I had been alone with so far didn’t seem like they wanted to do much talking. Maybe it was just because mares did so much talking that no taken man feels the need to say anything when they’re away from their spouse. After fifteen minutes of some very male silence, we headed back in because it was dark and colder than shit. Apparently Night Light and Fancy’s magic didn’t extend to keeping a person warm, which I found to be some bullshit. Twilight could do just about anything, but other Unicorns were extremely limited in what they could do.

I brought that up and apparently one’s aptitude in magic depends on their personality, rather than random Ponies having random amounts of power like I’d thought. Apparently Twilight and her mother were rather alike though since Twilight Velvet was actually a well respected scientist, though that information was news to me. I hadn’t been aware of the fact that Velvet actually had a job in the first place, so imagine my surprise to find that the chatty, sweet woman I knew was actually one of the brightest people in the city.

While I was busy lauding Velvet’s choice in career, Fancy and Fleur went off to go grab some alcohol because aristocrats really are just well behaved alcoholics. They returned with a bottle of whiskey and wine respectively, though I wasn’t sure which I’d rather have. I went with the whiskey because I had to keep up my appearance as a macho man, even though Fleur’s cherry wine was made by one of my favourite vineyards.

Velvet and Night Light left around midnight, and I was hoping to get to sleep soon. I wanted to be in Ponyville before the majority of the day was over, so I was going to need to get moving in the morning, but Fleur and Fancy had other ideas. They had a proposition for me that I didn’t really want to accept, but I figured that letting Fancy watch while I nailed his wife was only fair. For the thousandth time that night, I reminded myself that I was basically a cuck.

After that little event, I was allowed to go to sleep by myself, though restful slumber eluded me until Luna pulled me into the Dreamscape. We policed dreams for a little while to get my mind off of the night terrors and Luna let me wake up with the Sun. Fancy and Fleur were still in bed when I got up, so I went downstairs and had a seat in the sitting room so I could pick up where I left on with A Thousand Moments. Fleur was the first one downstairs, surprisingly.

She peeked into the sitting room and saw me writing. She walked in and said, “Thank you for being so understanding last night. It’s just one of Fancy’s fetishes that we never get to indulge in.”

“No problem.” I said without looking up. I wasn’t trying to be rude, I was just trying to finish a sentence.

Fleur waited for me to say something else, so I put my book off to the side and gave her a smile. “It was definitely something new, but it got easier when you started moaning.”

She blushed and shook her head, smiling. “If we hadn’t broken down so many walls when we first met, I might’ve been surprised that you said that. What are you doing?”

“Just writing. I’m working on a sequel to my first book, A Single Breath.” I stated. “Nothing too important. Is there something I can help you with?”

Fleur eyes widened when I mentioned my book. Her horn lit up and a familiar book appeared in her hands. “You wrote A Single Breath?”

“Yeah. It started out as a prank on one of my friends, but then she liked it, so I kept it going.” I shrugged. “Do you like it?”

“Like it? Max, this is one of the most popular books in Canterlot! I have to have you sign mine for me!”

“Bring it over and I will, love, just don’t freak out on me.” I said, raising my hands.

Fleur beamed and brought the book over to me. “I know you’re going to make it out to me, but could you write something special? Just for me?” She pleaded.

“Of course, love.” I cleared my throat and said, “To Fleur, my all time favourite fan. Stay beautiful.”

Fleur nearly snatched the book away from me and giggled. “Thank you! I never thought for a moment that I was-” She stopped abruptly. “I slept with the author of A Single Breath.” Fleur swooned and I raced to catch her. I should have let her fall, but I’m nice like that sometimes.

She came to a few moments later with a flutter of her eyelashes. “W-Where am I?”

I looked deep into her eyes and said, “My dick is magic.”

“...You know you wasted a perfectly good moment, right?”

I dropped her and offered her a hand up. “Can I offer you a hand, my lady? The floor is no place for one of your beauty and grace.” I said with a bow.

Fleur scowled and accepted my help. “If you didn’t drop me, I wouldn’t have needed the hand.”

“My deepest apologies, but I was simply stricken by your countenance. It was like I’d opened my eyes for the first time all over again, and I couldn’t help but recoil. I didn’t deserve to touch you.” I flattered, trying to sound genuine with every word.

Fleur seemed uneasy. “What are you trying to do?”

I grinned. “Am I not allowed to tell a beautiful woman that she is, in fact, beautiful?”

“...I suppose it wouldn’t hurt. I’m still upset with you for dropping me!”

I closed the distance between us in a single step. “Let me make it up to you.” I murmured to her.

Fleur’s breath caught at my tone and sudden change in demeanor. “If you want.”

I did want, and so I did. By the time I was done with her, we both needed another shower, so we took one together. After that, we were both dirty all over again, so Fleur grabbed some lube so we could get dirtier. After that, I made Fleur behave and prepared to get my shit together and leave, hoping to catch the next train to Ponyville. I hugged Fancy before I left and Fleur gave me a peck on the lips because why not. After bidding farewell to my favourite new friends, I headed to the train station and had my ticket exchanged for a small fee.

The train ride back to Ponyville felt like I was leaving a piece of myself behind in Canterlot, and I suppose that was true. I was leaving my tolerance for nobility and city life behind to get back into my usual comfort zone in my small town life. It would be nice to be back home, but I would miss Fleur, Fancy, Vinyl, and Octavia.

Hopefully I’ll meet them again sometime. Maybe Canterlot isn't as bad as I'd thought.

Author's Note

Long ass chapter. Very long ass chapter. Let me know what you think.

Leave a comment or a like to let me know how I'm doing.

Stay Cool, Kids.

Edit: Fixed some phrasing and syntax. Shit like that. I forgot what all I fixed since I had to do this chapter over multiple days, but I'm on some serious swag noways. Shit took forever to read since I haven't had time for it.

Chapter Twenty-Six: No One Shuts Up
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Twenty-Six: No One Shuts Up

Chapter 26: No One Shuts Up

My arrival in Ponyville was met with a few friendly faces that showed up to welcome me, namely Fluttershy and Twilight. Rarity had already come back and told them to expect me sometime today, even though we’d originally planned to leave right after we saw the Equestrian Harmonic. I guess she thought that I’d want to spend more time with Fleur and Fancy or something, but either way, I was glad that my girlfriends had come to welcome me home.

Fluttershy and Twilight bombarded me with questions about what I did while Rarity was gone, so I told them about meeting up with Twilight’s parents and a few of my own new friends to go see the Equestrian Harmonic. I let it slip that I’d missed Rarity the entire time in hopes that Fluttershy or Twilight would tell her later, but maybe that was too indirect of me. I tried again by just telling them that I’d wished things had gone differently with Rarity. Twilight was on my side, but Fluttershy was on Rarity’s, though I made it very clear that there were no sides. There was, however, a friendship that needed to be patched up with some time and kindness, and I asked both of them if they wouldn’t mind supporting Rarity in my stead. They agreed, of course, and Fluttershy went off to go do just that since she knew Rarity was still feeling pretty bad about what had gone on in Canterlot. I tried to ask what she meant when she said that Rarity was feeling bad, but she and Twilight both dodged the Hell out of my questions.

With Fluttershy gone and my question unanswered, I was tempted to grill Twilight because I knew I could break her, which ended up being the reason why I didn’t ask her anything. Knowing that you can force someone to spill a secret is a powerful thing that shouldn’t be abused, and I was fairly certain that pressuring Twilight would have been abusing that power. I lead the way back to my place and Twilight caught me up on some of the things I’d missed while I was away. Apparently Pinkie had learned that Twilight had a toy too and tried to have them swap controllers for a day, but Twilight balked hard and that idea went down the drain. Applejack had started visiting Fluttershy more often, though no one besides the two of them (and me) knew why, and they weren’t telling anyone any time soon. Spike had finally asked Sweetie Belle out, but she shot him down because of the thing with Diamond Tiara, so Twilight wanted me to talk about that with him when I got a chance. I made a mental note of it and asked Twilight to catch me up on any other happenings.

Besides Rainbow learning a few new tricks and Apple Bloom looking for me, not much had happened. It was pretty early in the day seeing as how it was only about two or so in the afternoon, so Twilight and I went back to my house, got my stuff put away and went to go talk to Spike since he wasn’t in school at the moment. I changed from my Baron apparel into some more casual attire while I was there, though I probably should have told Twilight I was going to change before I started stripping. I did it in my house, so by my rules, it was perfectly acceptable and Twilight just had to deal with it.

On the walk back to her place, Twilight asked, “So why are we starting with Spike? Apple Bloom could have wanted you for something important.”

“When did Spike ask Sweetie Belle out?”

“Two days ago. What does that have to do with anything?” Twilight Inquired

“When did Apple Bloom tell you she was looking for me?” I asked.

“About two days ago. You don’t think they have anything to do with each other, do you?”

I gave Twilight a flat look. “You think they don’t? It’s oddly specific timing and it’s pretty clear that Spike is probably one of the most eligible bachelors around his age.”

Twilight blinked. “Spike is a bachelor?”

“Does he have a girlfriend?”

“Well, no, but-”

“He’s a young bachelor, cherry. No ifs ands or buts about it.” I patted Twilight’s shoulder. “Spike is growing up slowly but surely, and picking up interest from the opposite sex is a natural part of that process.”

Twilight came to a dead stop. “Dear Celestia… I have to raise Spike to be a stallion.” Her hands went to her head and she tilted backwards. “Shit.”

“Twilight, did you just swear? On purpose?” I asked incredulously.

“Max, I have to raise a stallion and I don’t even know the first thing about raising a foal.”

I could see where this was going so I took Twilight’s hands from her head, tilted her forward, and planted a passionate kiss on her lips. After a good ten or so seconds, I stepped back to survey the result of my efforts. Twilight had a dreamy look on her face, so I squished her cheeks together.

“Hey look, It’s a fish pony! Does that make you a seahorse?” I asked, grinning.

Twilight snapped out of it and looked around. We were in the middle of town, so we’d garnered a fair bit of attention, making Twilight blush adorably. I couldn’t help but wear a big goofy grin on my face as I threw an arm around her and shuttled her off to the Treebrary. Once we were inside, Twilight started babbling about being embarrassed, so I used my lips to stop hers from moving and after another ten count, Twilight had that familiar look on her face. I patted her cheek a few times to bring her back to… Well, not Earth, but Equus, I guess. Twilight’s eyes shot open and she looked around again.

“Why do you always look around after I kiss you?” I asked.

Twilight blushed lightly. “It’s a little embarrassing. Haven’t I suffered enough today?”

I embraced her and held her head to my chest. Just to add my own little spin to it, I licked her horn and she pushed me away.

“Sorry cherry, but you haven’t learned the true meaning of suffering. Not yet at least.” I grinned evilly.

Twilight made a face. “Fine, but only because you tell me things all the time.” She took a deep breath to calm herself and said, “When we kiss, I kind of drift off, like my mind gets really fuzzy. It’s like you’re made of a warm blanket of dark grey smoke that fills me up and makes it hard to think…” She trailed off and got a faraway look to her face.

I waved a hand in front of her. “Twilight, cherry. Come back to me.”

She blinked at the mention of her name and blushed furiously. “S-Sorry, I just started thinking about it and got a little off track.”

I gave her a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry about it. I know exactly what you mean.”

She blinked thrice. “You do?”

“Yeah. When I kiss you, my head fills with static and it takes me back to a happier time in my life. I thought I was just crazy or something; I never thought that kisses might affect you in a similar way.”

Twilight sighed her relief. “I’m just glad I’m not the only one.” Her face went blank soon after and she appeared to be deep in thought, so I tapped her shoulder.

“Twilight? Something you’d like to share?” I asked.

“Oh! Sorry, I’m just extra spacey today I guess.” She said with a nervous smile.

“Don’t worry about it, just try to stay with me, okay?” She nodded. “So what were you thinking about?”

“I was just wondering…”

I rolled my eyes. “Yes? Twilight, never be afraid to ask me a question.”

She nodded again. ”Right. So, do you get the same feeling when you kiss other mares?”

I thought about it for a moment. “Well, no. I only get that feeling when I kiss you. It’s a different feeling with other mares, not quite as addictive.” I said honestly.

“...Do you mind if I ask what you felt from Celestia? I mean, the Princess?” She asked cautiously.

I shook my head. “Not at all. When I first met her, I felt like Celestia was sending electricity through my body. Just enough to tingle. Then, when we started dating, her kisses started reminding me of a mild summer day, probably somewhere close to water…” I lost myself in the memory of Celestia’s lips. Her's hadn't been as soft as Twilight’s but her skill with her tongue far surpassed her students.

Twilight snapped her fingers in my face and I jolted. “Glad to see I’m not the only one who gets lost sometimes.” She gave me a playful smile.

I rolled my eyes. “That was just silly of me. I was being silly.”

“Glad you’re such a silly head then!” Twilight teased.

I scooped her up in my arms and spun her around. “Would a silly head do this?”

“Yes! Put me down!” Twilight half laughed, half spoke.

I complied with her wishes after a couple more spins and by the end of it, we were laughing our arses off for no other reason for our own silliness. Spike walked in on us and cocked his head to the side.

“You know, I was listening for the mushy kissy stuff, but I never heard a joke. Why are you two laughing?”

Twilight and I looked at each other and our laughter redoubled in its intensity. Spike walked off to go do something else and Twilight and I were still trying to catch our breath. Through my pained wheezes, I said, “Hey Twilight?”

She wiped her eyes. “Yes?”

“I love you.” I stated simply.

Twilight gave me a warm smile. “I love you too, Max.”

I would say that things got mushier from there, but I’d told Twilight what was on my heart. I really did genuinely enjoy being around her. Everything from her goofy laugh to her terrible dancing made me want to smile, but not because I felt like I was supposed to. I was truly happy when I spent time with Twilight, but I’d just assumed that I felt that way because I was obligated to return the love she felt for me. While I was spinning Twilight around, I realized that I would want a child with this woman in time, that I could start a family with her and never regret taking my freedom from myself. I fully believed that I could spend the rest of my life with Twilight, if she would live as long as I would. I prevented my thoughts from darkening any further by thinking of things that I liked about Twilight, like her intelligence, or her quick wit when the occasion permits. Her sense of justice and fairness also gave me more to love, and I couldn’t help but keep a goofy grin on while we talked some more.

Twilight eventually had to go help Pinkie Pie with something, so I got my chance to talk to Spike. I caught him reading a comic book in the library part of Twilight’s house, so I pulled up a chair next to his bean bag and chilled out for a little bit. Once he finished his book, he was ready to talk.

“So what’s up, mate? I’m sure Twilight wants you to talk to me about the Sweetie Belle thing.”

I cringed at his use of ‘mate’ but kept it to myself. “She does. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really. I’m just disappointed. I should have waited for her to cool down before I asked her out, but I just got so excited!” He clutched his head and leaned back. “Dude, I messed up big time.”

I reached over and patted his leg. “Maybe not, my friend. I have to do some digging, but I have a hunch that there might be a girl who wants your attention if Sweetie Belle doesn’t.”

“Didn’t you say girls like persistence? Why don’t I just keep going after Sweetie Belle?”

“I’m just giving you options right now. It’s up to you to pursue who you want, Spike. The only thing I can do is stack the deck in your favor, you’ve got to play the right cards at the right time.”

Spike sighed. “Big Mac said something similar. I think I’m just going to think about it for a little while. I don’t think I should give up on Sweetie Belle, but if there’s another girl who likes me, then I feel like I should give her a shot too. What do you think?”

“Mate, when I was your age, I had absolutely no girls after me. If you want my advice for someone your age, then it’s pick a girl and stick with her until you know her pretty well. If you like what you see in her, then go for it. If you don’t, then leave her alone, even if she’s interested in you.”

“What would you do if a girl was interested in you, but you didn’t feel the same?” Spike asked.

“Well, take my relationship with Twilight for example. I wasn’t in love with her when we started. I just wanted to get to know her for awhile, and now I’m some goofy, mushy, dumbass spinning her in circles, laughing for no reason.” I shrugged. “Dating is like being friends, but with certain expectations. You’re supposed to show a girl all of the good things about you while hiding the bad, but that’s the exact opposite of how I picked up Twilight and Fluttershy. You remember how much of a dick I used to be, right?”

“Boy, do I. You threw a rock at me once!”

“Because you were being a little shit. Do you get what I’m saying though?”

“I think so. I think you’re saying that dating is like, getting to know someone, but you try really hard to get them to like you, but from what you and Big Mac have told me, I have to try without looking like I am.”

“That’s basically the gist of it. Though if you need another way to look at it, dating is a like looking for someone you wouldn’t mind having in your life everyday.”

“I don’t know… There are some days where I just don’t want to deal with anypony.” He remarked.

“And you’re going to have to find someone who’s willing to deal with you on those days, just remember that it’s give and take, bud. You need to be just as willing to work with someone as they are with you, if not more so just because women are difficult most of the time.”

“Isn’t that one of those things Twilight told you to stop telling me?”

“Tell me that Twilight can’t be the most difficult person for days on end.”

“Dude, don’t you love her? I thought you weren’t supposed to say anything bad about the mare you love.”

“You should know me well enough that I preach differently from what I practice. I’m telling you what's supposed to work, mate. What might really work for you might be something else entirely. I mean, look at the types of guys you’re learning from. Big Mac is tall, strong and handsome, I think. He’s the classic buff farm boy with a heart of gold and a penchant for being picky with his words. If you look at me, then I’m the wise cracking rogue who plays by his own rules with a heart made of a substance better left unsaid. We’re two completely different guys who look for completely different women, so our techniques won’t always work for the women you want.”

“What about me?” Spike asked. “What kind of man am I?”

“A growing one. People change a lot from your age up until adulthood, but based off of how you are now, I think you’ll be the genuine, small town kid with a big heart and a strong sense of justice, given to you by your big sister. You’ll attract your ‘mares’ at your own pace, kid, don’t be in a hurry to grow up.”

Spike flopped his arms down to his sides. “I guess you’re right, huh? I mean, I still have years until I’m an adult. I have time to learn this stuff before I need to know it as long as I keep it up with the lessons and paying attention in general like you said.”

“How’s that going by the way?” I inquired.

Spike scratched his chin. “I noticed a lot of things and talked to Twilight about a lot of things I just never thought to pay attention to before. I mean, I saw Applejack coming from Fluttershy’s late one night while I running an errand for Twilight because she was in one of her moods, but when I asked Applejack what she’d been doing, she told me I wasn’t old enough to know. I never really thought about it until I saw her again under the same circumstances, but I looked at her, like, actually paying attention. Her hair was all mussed up, she had a button wrong on her shirt, and she seemed a bit wobbly. Big Mac told me those are all signs that a mare’s been having sex, but I never thought-”

“Yeah, I know,” I interrupted, “I was probably the first to figure it out. Congrats on being either second or third though.”

“Who else would know besides us, Applejack, and Fluttershy?”

“Macintosh, who Applejack usually has to go home to. I suggest that you keep it quiet for now. The thing is, Applejack told me that she had left her lesbian ways behind her, and if she’s doing Fluttershy, then something sexy is going on.” I commented casually.

Spike sat up and crossed his legs. “Wow. What do you think they’re doing?”

“Do you still sleep in the same room as Twilight?”

“No! I stopped doing that months ago!” He protested.

“Say years next time. Don’t ask, just do, mate.”

“Why?” He asked innocently. Wha

“Because you’re too old to be sleeping in Twilight’s room and that probably should have stopped when she started to become a woman.” I explained. “Though I do imagine you got some very creative explanations at a young age, I’m pretty sure no one’s ever had ‘The Talk’ with you.”

“...I heard Twilight mention it once, but she sounded terrified.” Spike murmured.

“It can be scary if you’re trying to teach a relative something you yourself aren’t very familiar with, especially when it’s a taboo subject like sex. I would give it to you, but I’m not really sure if it’s my place. If anything, I’ll have a talk with Macintosh and Twilight sometime and see who wants to step up to the plate.” I was thinking of just having Macintosh and I give it to him so we could spare Twilight the embarrassment, but I wanted her opinion since she was Spike’s guardian.

“Is it really that bad? I mean, I see lots of ponies in relationships, and I’m sure they had to have ‘The Talk’ too. It can’t be that bad if everypony goes through it.”

“It really isn’t that bad if you’re the one receiving the talk. It’s just awkward to try and tell someone younger about sex and what it entails.”

“Wait, so haven’t we already had the talk? You and Big Mac have told me all about sex!”

“We’ve told you that you don’t need to worry about it right now, which is true. We haven’t really explained what it is, to my knowledge.”

“How hard can it be?” Spike thought about that for second.

“It can be pretty hard if you have no idea what you’re doing, and it’s even worse if neither of you know, which is why I’m pretty sure I’m going to be giving you at least a part of your talk.”

“Is it because you’re good at sex?” He asked.

I scratched my head. “More like I probably have the most experience with it. I’ve done some weird stuff, mate.”

“What kinda weird stuff?”

Well, I could tell him about Twilight, Pinkie and the toys, or about the threesome with Applejack and Fluttershy. Or I could not ruin his image of his surrogate older sisters. “While I was in Canterlot, a couple asked me to play with them for a night. I’ll tell you now Spike, if you ever get an offer to have sex with someone’s wife, make sure their spouse is okay with it before you do anything. I didn’t do that, but I got lucky and was set up by two different spouses on two different nights.”

“Wait, so some ponies in a relationship asked you to have sex with them?” SPike asked, stunned.

I nodded. “That’s the gist of it, yeah.”

“Aren’t relationships supposed to be sacred or something? Like, you told me that I should ask my fillyfriend before I ever try even dating a different mare.”

“Some people just have relationships that don’t work like they’re supposed to. When I got together with the fellow’s wife, he set me up with her, and I thought that the message was pretty clear. If I wasn’t certain, I wouldn’t have gone for it.”

“Wow… How many times have you had sex with married mare?”

“Married? Once, as far as I know. A woman in a relationship? I’d say twice because I don’t know if Mary is in a relationship with anyone.” I shrugged. “It doesn’t exactly happen often.”

“Wait, you mean Mary as in the Mayor?”

I nodded. “Yup.”

“Dude, keep it in your pants!” Spike exclaimed, chuckling his head off.

“Sorry I’m an attractive piece of man meat, but I can’t really help it. Girls like me and I like spending time with girls.”

“...Have you ever had sex when you were Roxy?” Spike asked cautiously.

“Yeah, a few times. It’s one of the first things I did when I was turned into a girl. Before you ask, I didn’t sleep with a guy because it felt wrong to me, though I did sleep with a couple girls. Sex feels better as a woman, so remember what I told you about taking care of them first.”

“Right. So what’s being a girl like?”

“It’s not much different from being a guy, they just do different stuff, like go shopping or have little get togethers. Girls are more social in general, so they spend a lot more time together than guys usually tend to. I don’t know why that is, but I know that when I spend time with guys, we don’t really talk all that much.”

“We talk a lot, don’t we?”

“I’m supposed to be mentoring you, so of course we do. The only way I know how to show you a lot of the stuff I need to teach you is through words.”

“Being a stallion sounds like a lot of work…”

“Growing up is a lot of work, but it’s not like you have to do it all at once. Bits and pieces at a time, buddy, take it as it comes.” I advised.

Spike nodded. “That sounds like what Twilight keeps telling me, but I don’t think she’s really ready for me to grow up. I don’t think I’m ready for me to grow up!”

“You’ve both got time, so don’t try to tackle it all at once now. Before you know it, you’ll be a man and you’ll be just as prepared as everyone else, so just take it easy and enjoy your time.”

“I will… I don’t think I have any more questions.” Spike said.

“Cool. Do you want to talk about something else?” I asked.

“Eh, not really. I think I’m gonna process some of the information you gave me.”

“Even better. I’m going off to see the Apple Family, don’t process too hard.”

I fist bumped Spike and was on my way. Twilight caught me as I was leaving since her thing with Pinkie fell through and asked if we could get together tomorrow and do something, so I suggested that we go for a walk in the Whitetail Woods since I couldn’t remember if I’d ever shown Twilight a few of my favorite spots. I also asked her if she wanted to be there for The Talk, though she didn't give me a straight answer. If the weather wasn’t so cold, I would have suggested that we make a picnic out of it, but dinner at Blossoms and Blooms would have to suffice. Sadly, they were pretty much the best restaurant in town that I could eat at since the only other two were limited to Pony foods. I could probably get one Hell of a salad or something, but Blossoms and Blooms had this fettuccine alfredo that made my knees go weak at the thought of it, so it’s not like I was upset about it.

I still had plenty of daylight left, so I took my time walking down to Sweet Apple Acres. Granny Smith met me when I arrived at the farmhouse and invited me in for a mug of warm cider, so I offered to tell her a few of my more interesting stories as payment. I ended up listening to Granny Smith ramble for an hour or so, going off on tangents whenever she got too deep into detail. I’d had some practice with the scatterbrained ways of the elderly, so I was able to follow the story and the asides well enough to make it seem like I was listening intently. I’m sure Granny knew that I was lost about fifteen minutes in, but old people just don’t give a shit sometimes.

Macintosh was preparing to head out for some reason or the other, so I managed to catch his attention before he left so I could see what he’d been teaching Spike while I was away. It turned out that he’d left ‘The Talk’ on the table and was actually about to come see me about it. We agreed that we would get together at my place and water down some whiskey for Spike so he would feel like he was a part of a conversation for men. Of course, Macintosh and I would be drinking it like water, but that wasn’t important. What was pertinent was that I had Macintosh’s support and approval for my drafted plan, as well as Granny Smith’s. We’d included our senior in the conversation due to her wisdom, and she helped us put the whiskey idea together so we could simultaneously give Spike a taste of adulthood, yet keep him relaxed. It was a little underhanded, but it’s not like we were trying to hurt the guy.

Apparently Apple Bloom and her friends were all playing in their treehouse, so I had Macintosh lead me over there. Apple Bloom was the first to spot me and came running up, leaving her friends in the dust.

“Max!” She exclaimed. “Boy, am I glad to see you.”

Macintosh and I traded a look before he shrugged. “I’ve heard you’ve been looking for me. Sorry I was gone, but I had some business to attend to in Canterlot.”

Apple Bloom shook her head and smiled. “It’s fine. Do ya mind if I have a word with you in private?” She said, glancing at her brother.

“Eeenope. You remember the rules, Max.” He grunted.

I patted his shoulder. “I’ll let you and Applejack handle all that, I’m just giving a little advice.” We had an agreement that if Apple Bloom ever came to me about puberty or anything relating to it, I would deflect her (gently) to either Applejack or Macintosh, but I was in the clear when it came to things like love.

Apple Bloom looked at me, confused. “How’d you know I needed advice?”

Macintosh and I traded another look before he just shook his head and walked away. “Let’s just say I’m smarter than I look and leave it at that.”

“If you know that I need some advice, then do you know what it’s about?” She asked skeptically.

“My first and only guess is that it’s about Spike.” I said softly, watching the other girls.

Apple Bloom lit up. “How’d you know!?” She cried out.

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo started coming closer, but I waved them off. They looked like they wanted nothing more than to come over anyway, but they respected me enough to listen. “I pay attention, love, that’s how I get by. I heard from Twilight that Spike asked Sweetie Belle out a couple of days ago, and you wanted to ask me something around the same time, so I figured the two were connected.”

“Wow… When ya say it like that, it sounds real obvious.”

I patted her head because I could. “Really obvious. And to me, it was. So what do you want to ask?”

“I just wanted to know what kinda stuff Spike likes. I mean, I know Sweetie Belle likes him too, but I just can’t stop thinkin’ about him, and it’s startin’ to drive me nuts! I just don’t know what to do!” Apple Bloom hugged herself, so I took a knee and looked her in the eye.

“Look, love, I don’t have an easy answer for you here. I want nothing more than to tell you to go for Spike, but I don’t know how that might affect your friendship with Sweetie Belle. I think the right thing to do would be to talk to Sweetie Belle about how you feel for Spike.”

“But what if Sweetie Belle doesn’t wanna be my friend anymore because I took Spike from her?”

“What if Sweetie Belle takes Spike from you?”

“I… I guess I’d be sad…” Apple Bloom admitted.

I gave the young woman a hug. “Love isn’t easy, Apple Bloom. It’s confusing and painful, but it’s also wonderful and blissful. I can’t really tell you what you should do,, but I do suggest that you talk to your friends. If they’re really your friends, they’ll at least try to understand. If they don’t, then maybe you need friends who care more about how you feel.”

“Applejack told me that I should talk to Sweetie Belle too, but then I remembered that she said that she and Rarity did the same thing-”

“If you’re talking about with me, then that’s not really a fair shake for either of them. Applejack just made one too many mistakes and Rarity can’t deal with me as I am, so I don’t think our little love triangle is the one you should be looking at. Take Twilight, Fluttershy and I for example. Twilight and Fluttershy are both dating me, but they’re still friends. Maybe you and Sweetie Belle could try sharing Spike?”

“See, that’s what I thought would be best, but Big Mac told me that I shouldn’t be going after a stallion that has more than one mare at my age.”

“Did you tell him who you had a crush on?” I asked.

“Well, no.” Apple Bloom admitted.

“Your brother is worried about someone taking advantage of you. There are too many eyes on Spike for him to even try, and that’s not even mentioning that he’s a great guy. If there’s anyone around your age that I think could handle multiple love interests, it would probably be Spike.”

“I know! He’s so mature and confident, but he’s also really sweet and nice.” Apple Bloom interlaced her fingers.

“I sense another question.” I stated kindly.

“Well… What if Spike doesn’t like me back? I’ve already asked Applejack, but I wanna know what you have to say.”

“You know, I can’t really say that you should give up if he doesn’t like you. Hell, I didn’t really like Fluttershy when we started dating, but now I’d give my life for her. Hell, even after Applejack almost killed me, I fell head over heels for her, but that just didn’t turn out well. It just depends on the person, I guess. I say that you should keep trying, even if he turns you down.”

“Wait, you’re in love with my sister?”

“Not as much as I used to be, but yeah. I guess I still am.”

“...So not bein’ with her doesn't bother you?” She asked.

I thought about it for a few moments. I mean, I’d forgiven Applejack for making me bite my tongue off, but we just weren’t the same. I wanted to be with her, I was just afraid of being hurt again, and that’s really all that was stopping me besides Applejack herself.

I drew a deep breath and sighed. “It does bother me, but Applejack doesn't want to be with me and I’m scared of her, so it just wouldn’t work out.”

Apple Bloom stamped her foot, suddenly determined. “If you both love each other, then why don’t you just be together? You adults don’t make any sense!”

“It’s not that simple, love. Applejack blew her second chance, and now we’re dealing with the consequences. It might not make either of us happy, but we keep getting hurt while we’re together, so it’s just better to stay apart.”

“So why don’t you just promise to never hurt each other again and mean it?”

“That basically already happened, Apple Bloom. That was Applejack’s second chance.”

Apple Bloom stomped again. “Well maybe she just needs a third one!” She huffed.

I rolled my eyes. “It’s not that simple. I wish it were, but it’s really not.”

“Fine. I’m gonna tell Applejack that you love her! I know my sister won’t just stand by and let love go to waste!”

I sighed. “It’s not going to waste, it’s-”

“You’re not lovin’ each other, so it’s goin’ to waste!” Apple Bloom said petulantly.

“Yeah, not arguing with a kid. Good luck with Spike, AB.”

“You’d better be wishin’ me luck with my sister, mister!” She said, pointing at me.

“You’d have a better chance of getting Rainbow into something prissy and frilly. Goodbye.” I said before walking off. I waved as I went, trying to think of what was next on my itinerary.

I couldn’t think of anything that I absolutely needed to do besides go grocery shopping again, so I did that and got my crap home and put away before pulling out my favorite bottle of comfort: strong tequila. It was a special import from Mexicolt, and it even had a few of the little hardy snakes swimming around in the bottle. It was my go to bottle for playing my favorite drinking game; How Do You feel? Now all I needed was someone to play with. It was only about five in the afternoon, so I didn’t really have many choices. I ended up writing a note to Macintosh and invited him over to play with me.

Macintosh knew the game pretty well himself, evidenced by the potent moonshine he brought along with him. We sat down in my living room and played through a few rounds. By the time we both said ‘Good’ after being asked ‘How Do You Feel?’, we were fucking hammered. I vaguely remember dropping Macintosh off at his house, but the next morning, I didn’t wake up in my bed.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I rolled over and immediately went to clutch my head, but I found that my hands were bound. Through the fog and pain, panic streamed through my veins, though I controlled myself well enough to not freak the fuck out. I opened my eyes and surveyed my surroundings. I was on a bed in a rather drab, grey room. It didn’t seem like much. There was a dresser, a chair with some clothes on it and a couple of nightstands, but that was pretty much it. I looked to my hands and saw that they were tied to the bed posts, though my feet were free to move. The knots tying my hands were definitely not done by an amatuer, and my struggling only made my head hurt worse.

I had few options, so I figured that my first order of business would be to meditate and clear my head. Once I finished with that, I examined the knots that held me once more. They were well tied and tight enough to restrict movement without hurting. Whoever had tied me up knew what they were doing. I jostled around a bit under the cover and felt that the clothes below my waist were gone, and I could still feel my dick, so it’s not like I had been taken to some organ harvester. If someone went around chopping off dicks, would that make them a lumberjack or a psychopath?

I put that quandary aside and listened as the door opened to reveal a blast from the fucking past. “Mineral Zeal? Is that you?” I asked, unsure. If you don’t recall, Mineral Zeal was Onyx’s old assistant. I’d met her back when I was looking for a job around town and we’d had a row within seconds of speaking to each other. Then, she hired some goons to try and rough me up in an alley.

We didn’t have the best relationship.

She was wearing fewer clothes than I would have liked her to be wearing seeing as how she was only wearing an open shirt and some panties, and the look on her face spoke volumes about how pissed she still was at me. “Yes, it’s me. I’m guessing you don’t remember last night.”

“I wish I could say that I did.” I pursed my lips. “I’m guessing we had some sex.”

She scoffed. “Might be the best I’ve had in years, but that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t like you. Once I get you untied, I want you out of my house.”

“Fine by me. Where are my pants?”

Zeal came over and started working on the knots. “They’re on the floor.” She answered tersely.

“Look, I’m sorry we started out bad, but I’m sure-”

“Shut up. If I want another piece of you, I’ll tell you. I want you here within an hour. No exceptions,” She commanded, stopping her work on my hands to glare at me.

I looked at her like she’d lost her damn mind. “What the hell? Are you my dom or something?”

She looked at me and whisked off the blanket covering my lower half. I saw an awful lot of candle wax. “Yes. I am.”

I stared in silence until I mustered up the courage to say, “I’m not much of a sub when I’m sober.”

Zeal got my hand free and climbed over me to get to the other one. “You’re not much of a sub when you’re drunk.”

I froze. “Zeal, did I come on to you last night?”

She gave me a genuine smile. It was terrifying. “What, you don’t remember?”

“Not at all.”

“Then it’s probably for the best that I don’t say~.” She sang. The evil grin on her face didn’t go anywhere, and once my other hand was free, it was around her throat.

“Did you rape me?” I asked, a centimeter away from her face.

“I thought you were fine with it.” She said, maintaining that evil grin.

I let her go. I got dressed. I went home. I wrote a note. I went back with a friend of mine.

I had just finished knocking on Mineral Zeal’s door when she whisked it open. “I thought I told you that I’ll tell you when I want you.” She hissed.

I looked at her blankly. “I have a friend who would like you to answer some questions.”

“Well tell them to buck off. You’re not wanted right now, so-” Mineral Zeal poked her head out to look for my friend. She saw Luna resting against the house, just out of sight if you were looking from inside. “Princess Luna. Oh.”

Luna stood up straight and shoved Mineral Zeal into her house. The door closed while I was still outside, so I just sat on the doorstep and waited for Luna to come out. Twenty or so minutes later, she came out with something invisible slung over her shoulder.

“She did the deed. You did not consent last night. Apparently you put up quite the fight, but you were too drunk to stop her.” Luna stated factually.

I nodded. “What few memories I have of last night seem to correlate. I knew she wasn’t a good person when she had her minions come after me, but I never thought a Pony in Ponyville would be that evil.”

Luna shifted her load and patted my shoulder. “We will speak when I return. Go home, Maximus, and try not to scrub too hard. You only feel dirty, despite being physically clean.”

“I’m okay, Luna. Just a little shell shocked. I’m going to take that shower, but because I actually need it, not to scrub off the grossness I feel inside.” I reassured her.

Luna gripped my shoulder. “I will return soon.” And with that said, she was gone.

I walked home and was glad that the ponies gave me a wide berth for once. Maybe it was the bloodshot eyes, or walking like I was ready to end someone, but I was glad that I wasn’t being bothered up until Pinkie caught up to me. She skipped long by my side and waited for me to greet her, but when I didn’t she hopped in front of me and held out a hand.

“Not now Pinkie. Just… Not now.” I said, brushing past her. Pinkie continued following me, however, and even followed me all the way into my house.

` She stayed in my living room, thankfully, which meant that I was free to head upstairs and see how much skin I could scrub off. I hadn’t really lied to Luna, but I did feel like I shouldn’t be touched. I knew that I was freaking out because of what happened, but knowing what I was freaking out about made it easier to rationalize all of my thoughts away. I wasn’t less of a man because I was overpowered by a woman: I was blackout drunk and unlucky. I wasn’t unclean just because someone had taken something from me that I hadn’t freely given: I was unclean because I had a dirty mind anyway, which made me chuckle and brought a much needed smile to my face. I still felt… Off. Just… Wrong, but I was doing pretty well if I do say so myself. My shower was only fifteen or so minutes long and I hadn’t even broken down or cried yet. Hell, I didn’t even remember it, so I couldn’t be that upset, could I? I mean, I didn’t remember what happened when Rarity supposedly raped me, and I had forgiven her and barely even thought about it now. I just needed to handle this event the same way and keep things moving. I came back downstairs to find Pinkie sitting on my couch, kicking her feet. I’m just glad I didn’t catch her masturbating again.

“Sorry about that, Pinkie, It’s just been a rough day already.” It was only one in the afternoon.

“It’s okay! I’m sure that your party with Mineral Zeal took a lot out of you!”

My stomach churned, causing me to be sick in my kitchen sink. It had been a close call, but I made it there. Pinkie came over to check on me, but when she mentioned Zeal’s name again, my stomach churned once more, though nothing else came up. I rinsed my mouth out with some wine and spat that into the sink as well, washing the unpleasantness down the drain.

“Pinkie.” I said softly.

“Yes Max?” She asked, concerned.

I took a deep breath and decided to just man up and say it. “I got raped last night by Mineral Zeal.”

Pinkie stood as straight as an arrow. “What?”

“Don’t make me say that shit again. My pride already took that hit, and it doesn’t need another.” I may have tried to console myself, but it didn’t work. I still felt like the same helpless child I had been once, and I still remembered the Chief’s efforts well enough that Mineral Zeal’s little reminder did me no favors.

“Max… I’m so sorry, I didn’t know…” Pinkie said. “Did she hurt you?”

“Nothing that will leave a mark.” I told her.

Pinkie came over and hugged me, though it really wasn’t what I wanted at the moment. I still felt dirty, and not in the fun way. “It’ll be okay, Max. We’ll go to the police, and they’ll take care of everything!”

“I went to Luna. Zeal is as good as dead.” I commented numbly.

Pinkie looked up at me and beamed. “Even better! Now she can’t hurt you or anypony else ever again!”

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. I just had to suffer a little so we could get that sick fuck off of the streets.” I could feel the corners of my mouth twitch. It wasn't so bad if I thought about it like that.

Pinkie went back to trying to break my ribs. “Exactly! Don’t let what happened hurt you anymore than it already has, Max! If you don’t let it get to you, then it’s like a slap in the face to Mineral Zeal!”

I returned Pinkie’s hug and picked her up off of her feet. “Sometimes your backwards logic kills me, but I think it’s just what I needed today. Thank you Pinkie.” I put her down gently.

Pinkie let me go and dialed her smile down a few notches. “I thought so! I knew something was wrong with you, but my Pinkie Sense doesn’t tell me what exactly is wrong, so I had to bother you, and I’m glad I did!”

“So am I, love. So am I.” I patted her head and Pinkie just grinned.

A few moments later, Luna teleported in. Luckily, Pinkie was still looking at me, otherwise she would have seen the blood on Luna’s hands. I saw it, however, and it made me smile for the best of reasons. Luna raised her hands to show me properly, then magicked them clean before announcing her presence to Pinkie.

“I see you’ve already come to your friends for help.” Luna commented.

“I came to a friend when I came to you, Luna. Don’t forget that so quickly.” I admonished.

“Yeah! Max was just telling me how you took care of his problem with that awful mare!” Pinkie said. “That sounds like a really nice thing that a friend would do to me!”

“That’s because you don’t know how I’m handling it.” Luna said casually. “Max, would you like a full report on what goes on?”

“I would be delighted.” I said with an evil grin.

“I wanna know too! Well, I already know, but I still wanna be in the loop!” Pinkie protested.

Luna looked at me and I shrugged. “Pinkie Pie can keep a secret, and I don’t doubt that she already knows.”

Luna scoffed. “Tell me, Pinkie. Name two things I’ve done so far to punish Mineral Zeal.”

Pinkie thought about it for a moment. “Hmm. You sat her down on a big wooden triangle and you tied her hands to the floor so she can’t get off of the edge. It looks like it hurts a lot.”

Luna’s eyes widened. “H-How did you know?”

“Don’t ask, Luna. Just don’t ask, and you’ll get out of here with your sanity.” I warned.

Luna shook her head and launched into the time she’d spent with Mineral Zeal already. It made me smile. Normally, Celestia would have just sent her to Tartarus by way of punishment, but that’s why I asked Luna. I wanted Zeal dead and I wanted her to suffer, and I doubted that Celestia would have given me that pleasure, seeing as how she bases her life off of the ideals of friendship. I know Celestia’s done some fucked up things in her time, but Luna had always struck me as the darker of the two. I was sure that I would be hearing from Celestia about why I hadn’t come to her first, so I wrote her out a note describing what had happened and made a couple of copies to be sent to Fluttershy and Twilight.

Once Luna finished her report and I finished with my notes, Luna went back home and Pinkie suggested that we go see Rarity. I told her that it might not be the best idea, but Pinkie told me to trust her, so I did. She babbled about anything and everything on our walk over there, and I was happy that Pinkie was so good at providing distractions. I focused on keeping the conversation going and felt a bit of the weight on my heart lift. When we got to the Carousel Boutique, Pinkie Pie skipped right on in, though I knocked a few times before entering. Rarity was in the back of the shop, and I could hear her sewing machine going at full tilt. I tried to get Pinkie to leave her alone so she could work, but Pinkie dragged me to Rarity like my opinion didn’t matter.

Rarity continued with what she was doing for a few more minutes while Pinkie and I waited. I noticed that she’d put her hair in a ponytail, which I found both ironic and more than a little sexy. I pretended as if I could clip the ‘sexy’ out of that thought and cast it away. Rarity eventually finished up with her piece and turned to face us.

“Hello Pinkie, Max. What brings you over?” Rarity asked. Now that I could see her face, I noticed that she was wearing less makeup than usual. She was still beautiful, but it was a more muted beauty, like she was being modest.

I looked to Pinkie and she skipped out of the room. “Well shit. I was hoping that she could tell me too. Pinkie kinda just asked me to come with her. I figured she had something she wanted to talk to you about.”

“Oh. Well, you know how Pinkie is sometimes. I’m willing to bet that she thought we needed to talk.” Rarity replied, shaking her head.

“That’s what I’m thinking. We do need to talk, Rarity.” I said carefully.

She sighed. “We do, but I would really rather not.”

“I feel the same way, but at the same time, you mean too much to me to just let our friendship wither. Rarity, you can have me any way you want, just don’t step out of my life.”

“So you would be willing to take me as a wife, even if I asked that I be the only one?” She tested.

“...I couldn’t, not in the long run. I love Twilight and Fluttershy too much to do that to them, and I think you do too.” I replied.

Rarity sighed again. “You’re right.” She turned back to her work and set her head on her hand.

“...What would you be willing to work with?” I asked after a minute of silence.

Rarity turned and looked at me. “I’ll not be with you under conditions, Max. I know that will make you unhappy.”

“Making you unhappy makes me unhappier than having my freedom restricted, bonn- er, Rarity. If you can share me with Fluttershy and Twilight, but only Fluttershy and Twilight, then I can cut the other women out of my life, as far as intimacy goes. That means Fleur, too.”

Rarity bit her lip. “I-I… I think that’s really all I want. I just wanted to know that you’d be willing to make sacrifices to be with me.”

“I’m ready and willing, Rarity, it’s not just talk. Say the word and I’ll start writing notes.”

Rarity stood up and embraced me, pouring so many words into one kiss. I returned her kiss with some fervor, though I kept things PG-13 because a romantic kiss and an intimate kiss walk fine lines. When Rarity pulled away, a single tear streaked through her make up, so I wiped it away, though it did make the makeup smear on her coat.

“Alright, so you’re going to have to fix that smudge, but otherwise, you’re still as beautiful as usual.” I grinned.

She rolled her eyes and gave me a comforting smile. “I would hope so. A little smeared makeup has never stopped me.” I gave her a look and she blushed. “Well, maybe that’s a little less true than I would like it to be, but no matter. I’m just so happy that I can call you my special somepony now!”

I hugged her again because I felt like it, rather than because it seemed like the right thing to do. “I’m proud to be that special some‘pony’ for you. It’s not often that I can claim such an amazing woman as my own.”

Rarity pushed me back gently and gave me a stern look. “Now don’t you go insulting Fluttershy and Twilight just to compliment me! I’ll-”

“Rarity, my love, that’s not what I meant. They’re amazing in their own ways, but you’re unique, so take the compliment, will you? I’m looking at you right now, not them.”

She tried to pout, but a smile broke through her attempts at being mad at me. “I should have known that you didn’t mean it in such a terrible way. Just another example of the work I need to do for you.”

“While I appreciate your effort, it’s not necessary. I think that if I actually try to explain what I mean instead of just giving your attitude back to you, we’ll probably make more progress.” I hypothesized.

“When you say it like that, the problem still starts with me, darling. I’ll do my best to consider what you were trying to say, and to not get mad when I take something the wrong way.” Rarity promised.

“And I’ll do what I just said I should do.” I promised back.

Rarity chuckled. “I see you’re still not one for repeating yourself.”

“It’s just unnecessary! If people are listening, then you really shouldn’t have to.”

Rarity patted my man tiddy before sitting back down. “Whatever you say, darling. I hear you Now, if you don’t mind, I really do have to get these dresses done.”

“Shuttling me out already? What, no kiss to seal the deal?” I said, wrapping my arms around her shoulders.

Rarity reached up and squeezed my forearm. “I’ll have to owe you one, darling. I must get these done.”

I gave her a peck on the cheek. “I understand. I love you, Rarity.”

“I love you too, Max.” She replied. I saw that she was wearing a smile when I left, so I considered my work here done.

The next thing I had to do was go see Twilight for that date, and explain what the fuck the note I’d sent her meant for me. While I was walking to Twilight’s, I thought about how many times I’d told my lovers that I’d loved them. I mean, it was something that rarely came out of my mouth in the past few months besides when I called someone ‘love’. It was a little strange that I’d started to feel things again, and even though the emotions were still rather muted, I thought that it was a welcome change. I believe that Fleur getting me to open up about my suicide attempts and the murders really did a lot for me, though that did meant that I was probably going to have some explaining to do when it came to ending it with her. I was grateful that Fleur had somehow managed to crack the wall that I’d built around my emotions, but I enjoyed my time with Fleur as a friend, not a romantic interest. Mary would most likely understand, and I wasn’t that upset about not being with her anymore, but I was pretty certain that Fleur had chiseled away some of the ice around my heart. It wasn’t just me that owed her, but my loved ones too, and I hated that I was going to have to repay her kindness by turning her down. I sighed to myself and wondered if I should wait until I saw her again to break the news. I figured that I owed her at least that much, so I stopped in the middle of the inappropriately named Town Square, turned around, and headed for the Town Hall.

Mary’s receptionist gave me a knowing smile when I asked to see her, despite me telling her that I wasn’t here for quote unquote ‘business stuff’. Still, she sent me on up to Mary’s office, and when I opened the door, I caught her doing something she probably shouldn’t have been. Mary was used to me just walking in willy nilly, so she kept on with what she was doing when she realized it was me.

“If it isn’t my favourite Baron!” Mary purred. “Come to outperform this little toy?”

I closed the door behind me. “Actually, I’ve come to put a moratorium on our little trysts. Rarity asked me to make a commitment, so I’m ending relationships that don’t start with ‘girl’ or end in ‘friend’.”

Mary stopped her explicit actions. “Are you saying that we’re not friends?”

“No, I’m saying that we’re not dating, so I can’t give you dick anymore. At least, not until I clarify whether or not Rarity actually wanted me to end my friends-with-benefits relationships.” I answered.

She sighed and set the controller to whatever toy she was using on the table. “I suppose I knew that it was too good to be true, I just thought that you would get tired of me, or that you would suddenly have too many mares on your hands to be with me anymore.”

“Look, Mary, I wouldn’t have kept coming back if I didn’t enjoy having sex with you. There are things that you’ve taught me about how to please a woman that I never even thought of, and you’re generally a pretty pleasant person, though I only learned that after sleeping with you. If Rarity does give me the okay to keep sleeping with you, then we’ll see if you still want dick from some young arsehole.” I stated plainly. Mary really was rather fun, and I was sad to end this particular connection between us, but hopefully we were still friends.

“They way you say things sometimes… I know that you can be as polite as the snootiest of aristocrats, but then you come with such vulgarity that it’s like night and day.” Mary chuckled. “We’ll see what happens. Even if you can’t come back to me, I wish you well, Max.”

“The same to you, Mary. I’ll let you know as soon as I can.”

Mary picked her controller back up and I left after making sure that I wasn’t pitching a tent, continuing on my way back to Twilight’s. I really was going to have to talk to Rarity. Thinking back on it, she’d just said that she wanted to know that I was willing to make sacrifices, rather than actually having me make any. I would keep it in my pants until I had a definitive answer, in any case, though I would have liked to know sooner rather than later.

I arrived at Twilight’s soon enough, though she wasn’t home when I got there. Spike told me that she’d gone over to my house, so I wrote a note and had him send it to her, telling Twilight that I was at her place. While I waited for Twilight to show up, I took the piss with Spike and lead him around in verbal circles until he refused to talk anymore. After a few minutes of me talking about Twilight and all the things I liked about her, he realized that I was in far too good a mood to shut up, so he asked if I wanted to try reading any of his precious comic collection.

For those of you bastards who don’t know Spike, the guy is a fanatic about his collection. He’s had Twilight use magic to protect every single one of them, and he even hides them in a place that I've never been able to find, and I spotted a wall safe from outside someone’s house once. Believe me when I say that it was a small miracle for Spike to allow me to browse some of his precious graphic novels. I asked for the first issue of the series he had been reading earlier and went downstairs to borrow some gloves from Twilight’s lab, as per his request. I wasn’t complaining since I was going to get to do something he’d never let any other person do.

Spike met me in the library and set the book on the table. The rules were that I could not lift the book, save for its pages. I was not to breath directly on its pages, and I wasn’t allowed to criticize the author for any plot holes, no matter how glaring. With those rules in place I made quick work of the relatively short book. It was alright, but they were really made for a younger audience, and I was not young enough to be a member of it. However, I told Spike that I’d liked what I’d read because I still felt like being nice.

Twilight came home while Spike was accessing his hiding spot, and when she saw me in the library, she tackled me to the floor before I could say so much as hello. She buried her head in my chest and I laid there for a moment with the wind knocked out of me. Once I could breathe, I tapped her shoulder and she looked up at me, giving me the perfect opportunity to flick her horn.

She sat up, straddling me, and held a hand to her horn. “Ow! Why’d you flick me?”

“Why’d you tackle me?” I asked.

Twilight blinked and looked around for Spike. “...Is what you said in that note true? Did you really get… Did that really happen?”

I propped myself up on my elbows and looked at Twilight. “Yeah, it’s true. Pinkie and Luna already did a lot to help me get over it-”

“Max,” She interrupted, “something like that isn’t ignorable like the rest of your problems! You-”

“Oi!” I cut her off. Twilight shut up and I softened my tone. “I know, Twilight. That’s why you know in the first place. I’m hoping that if I’m more up front about this than I am with my Operative stuff, I’ll start healing faster. I already feel alright, though that might just be because of where you’re sitting.”

Twilight looked down and calmly got off of me, though she did turn bright red. Once she was kneeling next to me, I sat up and gave her a peck on the cheek. “If I think it’s getting to the point where I can’t handle it alone, I’ll come to you, cherry. I’ll happily share this burden with you.”

Twilight looked at me and sighed. “I know, it’s just that I wish I could do more to help.”

“Just keep being you, Twilight. Between being my friend and lover, I can’t really say that there’s anything else that I want or need from you.” I gave her an honest smile.

Twilight returned it, her blush fading. “I’m glad that I can help without trying, though it kinda feels weird.”

I patted her head. “Don’t think about it too heard, you might make smoke pour out of your ears.”

She rolled her eyes. “That was one time, and it wasn’t even my fault!”

“I’ve gotta say, Cupcake Roulette was fun. We should play that at the next slumber party.”

“It was, but Pinkie’s hot sauce is too hot.” Twilight said, shivering.

“Cherry, you think cinnamon is spicy.” I remarked.

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean that Pinkie’s sauce isn’t too hot. In fact, didn’t you say that yourself?”

“I never said you were wrong, I just wanted to talk about cinnamon for a little bit.” I grinned.

Twilight lightly swatted my arm and stood up. “I never know what I’m going to do with you.” She sighed.

“You could always try kisses. Those seem to make both of us pretty happy.” I replied, standing up myself.

Twilight stepped over and gave me a quick peck. I gave her a pouty look and she rolled her eyes before coming closer for a longer one. This time, I had to pull away, though I was surprised to find that Twilight didn’t have that dreamy look on her face. Instead, she was smiling goofily.

“I came back and you didn’t even have to say anything.” Twilight beamed.

“Looks like someone’s making progress.” I wrapped an arm around Twilight. “What do you say we go for that date?”

Twilight’s looked changed from triumphant to worried. “Are you sure you’re okay with that? I mean, wouldn’t you prefer a nice night inside?”

I blinked a couple times and glanced at the window. “It’s not raining or snowing, so I don’t see why we would. Don’t tell me that you’re afraid of the ‘Big Bad’ Whitetail Woods.”

“It’s not that, I just thought that after what happened…” Twilight trailed off.

“Being stuck inside my own home like some shut-in, cowardly, invalid doesn't sit well with me. Pinkie told me earlier that I should live my life like it never happened as a slap in the face to that piece of shit, and I agree with her. I won’t let that cunt rob my love from my loved ones, and I’ll be damned if one little incident costs me what little peace of mind I have. I’ve been raped before, the only difference this time is that I don’t have to go back and get my revenge. My friends have already done that for me.” I grinned.

“...What do you mean by that, Max? When you say your friends have already taken care of it for you? Don’t misunderstand: I’m glad you’re taking it so well, but what did Luna do to Mineral Zeal?”

My stomach churned again ,though luckily, I didn’t have anything in it. Twilight looked on in concern. “Sorry, cherry, that name makes me a bit queasy. Luna took her away and that’s all we need to know. Luna’s handling the situation as she see’s fit.”

Twilight bit her lip. “So you know exactly what Luna’s doing.”

“Yes, and I don’t want to tell you what that is. Trust me when I say that it makes me feel better, and that you don’t want to know.”

“Well, if it makes you feel better, then I suppose I don’t need to know.” Twilight said uneasily.

“Thank you for understanding, Twilight.” I beamed.

She returned my smile with one of her own. “If you want to go on that date, we should probably hurry. We won’t have light for much longer.”

I agreed, so Twilight let Spike know that we were leaving, and we went to Blossoms and Blooms to grab a bite to eat. I ordered the fettuccine alfredo that I had been craving and Twilight followed my lead. She said that it was better with the daisy sauce, but I was pretty sure that would end up getting me killed, so I stayed away from it. Hell, before that trip to Canterlot, I probably would have tried it. It’s strange how things are one way one day, then completely different the next, but that’s just how life is sometimes.

When Twilight and I went on our walk, we didn’t say much. We’d talked plenty during dinner and before, so some companionable silence was well warranted. It gave me far too much time to think, however, and my mind wandered back to Fleur. I didn’t really want to break things off with her, but I wanted Rarity to be happy, so I was willing to make that sacrifice. It did mean that the threesome with Fluttershy was out of the question, though, and that was very disappointing. I was hoping to have Fleur teach Fluttershy a few new tricks, though I guess I could just teach her myself. I shook those thoughts out of my head and turned my attention back to Twilight. I would be willing to give up Fleur for any of my girlfriends if they asked, so I mentioned it to Twilight.

I told her the conditions that I’d met Fleur under and what she had done to help me, though I dodged the question when Twilight asked how many suicide attempts I had. Twilight tried to beleaguer that point, but I told her that I would talk to her about it when I was ready. I continued on and told her about some of what Fleur and I had done, being very careful to mention that her husband was aware of everything, and had even watched twice. Twilight was, of course, weirded out by it like I had been, but she agreed that letting go of someone like that would be difficult, even though she still didn’t know what good sex was like. I asked her about what I should do and she gave me the same answer I’d already had: Talk to Rarity. I made a mental note to do that the next day and switched topics to some of the other stuff that happened in Canterlot. I mentioned meeting Vinyl and Octavia, though I did leave out that Octavia had set me up with her girlfriend.

Twilight and I parted ways when it was nice and dark out, so getting home took a little bit longer than usual. I live outside of town, obviously, so it’s not like my way back home was lit. The moon didn’t offer much light that night either, so I was practically walking blind until my eyes got adjusted to the darkness. Even then, all I could make out were vague shapes in the darkness, but I still managed to get back home because my house is a fucking monolith to luxury.

Which reminded me that I needed to talk to someone about having a heated pool installed. That would be super dope. When I got home, I wrote Celestia a note, asking if she enjoyed her cake and if she knew anyone who could put a hot tub in my house. I could totally use my bathtub as one, so I scribbled the last part out and asked if she could find someone who could convert my bathtub so that it serves a dual purpose. I wasn’t expecting a response anytime soon, so imagine my surprise when Celestia sent me back a note that simply said, “Why don’t you ask Luna?”

I wrote her back and asked her to come see me so we could talk, even though I was getting awfully tired of having feelsy talks. I’d been having them all day and really wasn’t looking for another, but I knew that I should explain myself to her. A minutes after sending that note, Celestia teleported in, arms crossed, posture standoffish.

“Hullo, Celestia. Can I get you something to drink?” I asked politely.

“We can skip the pleasantries. Why did you go to Luna instead of me when you learned that you’d been raped?” Celestia asked with more than a little salt.

“Well, there are three main reasons. The first two are that you would’ve either wiped Zeal off of the face of the planet without even checking to see what really happened, or you would have sent her to Tartarus after checking to see what happened. I didn’t want either of those things.”

Celestia scowled. “That’s untrue. I would have checked before obliterating her, based on the information you gave Luna.”

“I didn’t know that for sure.” I replied evenly.

Celestia snorted. “Whatever you say. What’s the third reason?”

“I just don’t like asking you for big things. I don’t want you to throw your weight around just because I ask-”

“But you’re perfectly fine with asking Luna?” Celestia asked skeptically.

“That’s because it’s just how Luna and I work. We give each other absolute Hell, but we still pull through. That, and Luna’s handling Zeal the way I would have.”

Celestia huffed. “I’d like to think you and I are more alike than you and Luna.”

I shrugged. “Luna’s darkness and my darkness are alike. Our darkness is different. Luna and I are more hands on, but you’re an administrator. If you’re getting your hands dirty, then it’s for a good reason. Handling things ourselves is just how Luna and I operate. Remember when she went to Gryphonia in my stead?” Celestia nodded hesitantly. “And do you remember how I handled things in Gryphonia?” She nodded again. “Two different ways of being more hands on.”

“Be that as it may, I would like to think that our relationship would sway you towards my side when it comes to favors.” Celestia huffed again.

I grimaced. “Actually, a large reason why I don’t ask you for many favors is because, well, look around you. I owe my house, most of my art, a lot of my possessions, and much of my fortune all to you. You’ve already done a lot for me, and I don’t want you to think I’m getting greedy. I know it’s not the most logical thing, but it’s how I feel. That, and it’s really hard to ask someone you’re separated from for a favor. It’s just awkward.”

Celestia sighed. “You should know that you can ask anything of me, Max. If you want something handled a certain way, tell me and I’ll make sure it gets handled properly. If you feel awkward about asking something of me, don’t. Once you share your body with someone-”

“Niceties fall to the side.” I finished for her. “I know. I just… It feels wrong.”

Celestia gave me a womanly look. “Just keep it in mind next time something or someone hurts you like that. Hopefully there won’t be a next time, but your track record is terrible.”

“You’re telling me. Thanks for coming to talk to me.” I said sincerely.

Celestia came over and gave me a hug. “Any time, Max. And I’ll look into having someone come by and convert your bathtub, but I want to be one of the first ponies in that tub when it’s finished.”

I pulled away and shook her hand. “I’ll have you and Luna over to christen it. Feel free to wear whatever you like or nothing at all.” I said cheekily.

Celestia gave me an odd look. “You haven’t flirted with me since we broke up.”

“The pain is fading. Do you know a woman named Fleur de Lis? Her husband was one of your Guard Captains, a fellow named Fancy Pants.”

Celestia nodded. “I’m well acquainted with them, seeing as how Fleur was personally trained by me, albeit in a disguise, and Fancy was handpicked by me to become the Guard Captain.”

“That’s actually pretty cool. Anyway, Fleur gave me some counseling and Fancy gave me his wife for a couple nights, so I’m doing better than I have been. I’m not as eager to die, and I’ve even started to open up my heart again.” I guess my healing factor extended to more than just my physical well being, all it needed was a good kick start.

Celestia’s face lit up like it was Christmas morning. I didn’t stand a chance at dodging her bone crushing hug in the slightest. “I’m so happy for you Max! I’ve been so worried about you these past few months, but I thought that once you got your shell up, there was no getting to you without risking our relationship, as unsteady as it already is.” She looked away from me in shame. “I didn’t want to risk losing you more than I already have.”

“So you were willing to let me stay dangerous for months on end just so you could keep me around?” I wheezed. I barely managed to get the brow right.

“...It sounds a lot worse when you say it like that.” She let me go.

I shrugged. “It is what it is. I understand why you held your tongue, but you already know that when we argue, things that need to be said get said, and then we make up. It’s pretty much how I work, though I’m trying to change that now.”

Celestia kept her eyes off of mine. “I didn’t think about what you needed. I just knew that I was afraid of losing you entirely.”

I patted her shoulder. “Hindsight is twenty-twenty, hun. Just keep it in mind for the future, yeah?”

She finally looked back at me. “I will. I didn’t take your words lightly, Max. I will change for you.” Her face was set in determination.

I examined her closely, looking for any hint of dishonesty. It touched my heart when I couldn’t sense so much as an insincere word. “Thank you, Celestia. That means a lot to me.”

Celestia let a smile slip. “You know, it’s been just as long since you’ve called me ‘hun’ as it has been since you’ve flirted with me.”

“What can I say? Once the healing process is started, I try to get it done quick.” I grinned.

Celestia sighed and looked out of a window, into the inky blackness. “These fifty years won’t pass quickly enough, but I’ll be getting better while they take their time. I want to be ready to be the mare you deserve when our time apart is up.”

I was so very tempted to tell her that we didn’t need to wait fifty years, that we could start over again right here and now, but I remembered the pain she had caused, and though it didn’t hurt as much as it did once, I remembered it all the same. My innate skepticism told me that holding my tongue was the best move, so I carefully constructed a response.

“They’ll be as long as they need to be. I look forward to seeing how different we are when that time comes.” I gave Celestia a smile that I wasn’t quite feeling.

Celestia immediately saw through it. “I feel like you’re being honest, but something isn’t quite right.”

I sighed. “I’m scared, Celestia. I’m eager and scared. I want to be with you again because there’s no one else who makes me feel the way you do, but I don’t want to keep getting hurt, and I don’t want to be watching my back at every turn, waiting for you to delete whatever mistake you’ve made from my mind. I still love you, but I just don’t trust you like that.”

She gave me a sad smile. “Thank you for being more honest with me, even though it doesn't make me very happy. I’ll find a way to prove to you that I’m worthy of your trust again, but I’m in no hurry. We’ll rejoin each other when the time comes, I’m sure of it.”

I gave her a crooked smile. “I agree, and I hope you do. I’ll be keeping an eye on you, Sunbutt.”

She rolled her eyes at the nickname. “I hope you’ll be keeping your eyes above the waist, otherwise you might not see anything important.”

“Hey, I can stare at your bottom and listen at the same time! And I suppose we could broker out a deal to keep my eyes at chest level.” I grinned deviously.

Celestia just gave me another hug and a peck on the cheek. “As much as I would love to continue this, I was in bed when you wrote me, so I need to get back to that.”

“Sorry to keep you away from your beauty rest, as unneeded as it may be.” I complimented.

Celestia chuckled. “You know, it’s been so long since I’ve met a man who could make me smile and cry in the same day. You really are a special fellow, Max.”

Hold up, what? ”Did you just say ‘man’?” I asked, mildly shocked.

“What, you don’t think I say ‘somepony’ or ‘anypony’ to nonpony races, do you? I just got back from a little conference in the Dragon Lands, so I’m back to the standard ‘man’ and ‘woman’ style of speak for right now. I’ll correct it once I go to bed.”

So I couldn't have even fucking asked you for anything anyways?“Actually, if you wouldn’t mind using the standard stuff around me, I would greatly appreciate it. The Pony specific words kinda make me feel like I’m just that much more different from all of you.” I requested. I guess now was a good time to start being more open.

Celestia blinked. “Huh. I never thought about that. It’s been a few hundred years since I implemented it in the first place, so I guess forgot about how it would feel for a non-Equestrian to be called ‘somepony’.”

“It’s weird, I’ll tell you that, especially since all the other races use the words that I’m familiar with for the most part.” I commented.

“I’ll try and keep that in mind. If I slip up in private, just let me know.”

“Will do, though that does make me wonder why you started using Pony specific words in the first place.”

“When Luna went to the Moon, I struggled to keep Equestria whole. I ended up using Pony specific words to breed patriotism and loyalty to Pony causes.” Celestia shrugged. “It’s made my people a little xenophobic, but at least they’re nice about it.”

I couldn’t help but break down laughing. At least the racists were more left wing than right, otherwise you’d have a nation of the Klu Klux Klan instead of your average social justice warrior who’s never actually spoken to anyone darker than themselves, though it was still bad that they were racist in the first place. I explained why I was laughing to Celestia and she just shook her head before leaving. Nice racists. The thought and the actuality both made me chuckle for hours after the fact.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I woke up at noon the next morning. It was the first night of truly restful sleep that I had gotten by myself in the longest time, and I didn’t even have a single nightmare. Not once did I wake up shaking or in a cold sweat, and Dear God did it ever feel amazing. It felt so good that I lazed around in bed for an extra hour before continuing what I’d been doing last night before I went to bed. My new journal was coming along nicely, and I was picking up the pace as I wrote along. I had just gotten to the part where I’d gotten lost in the Everfree when there was a knock at my door. I told the magical chime to shut up since I heard the damn door in the first place, but it ignored me, so I flipped it off.

I opened the door and saw Rarity and Fluttershy standing there wearing matching dresses, though the color schemes were different. Fluttershy’s was based around greens and muted Earth tones while Rarity’s was a study in blue, white, and violet. Their each wore tights that matched their dresses and blouses that complimented their outfits. It was like looking at two different styles, despite the fact that they were wearing identical clothing in different colors.

“Merry Christmas to me.” I said, beaming.

“Hearth’s Warming Day has already come and gone.” Rarity remarked. I’d told them about the similarities between Christmas and Hearth’s Warming Day when they’d first brought it up.

“And yet I’m still getting presents. Come in, girls, and let me get some tea prepared.”Please don't let this day be a dream.

I took their coats and hung them before we travelled further into my house. I decided on a fragrant, floral tea that Fluttershy had given me to try. I’d never had an occasion to bring it out, so now seemed like the best time to do it. Rarity used magic to make the tea boil faster since it had been fucking cold outside, and I looked through my pantry until I found some snacks to accompany the tea.

Returning with the snacks, I set them on my coffee table and poured myself a cup of tea since the girls were already drinking theirs. I didn’t blame them: The wind had hurt my face when I’d let them it, so I could understand their desire to get warm.

“So what brings you girls over?” I asked, sipping my tea. “Besides brightening my day, I can’t think of any other reason.”

“Has it been that bad already?” Fluttershy asked, concerned.

“What? No, it’s actually been great so far. I slept until noon without waking up or spending half the night tossing and turning. No nightmares, no old memories. Just good ol’ fashioned sleep. And after I was lazy in bed for an hour or so, I’ve been copying my journals into the enchanted book Twilight gave me for Christ- er, Hearth’s Warming Day up until you two showed up. My day’s been great.”

Fluttershy beamed. “I’m glad to hear that! Though I think I was happier to hear that you’ve decided to go out with Rarity too.”

I smiled. “It’s really been a net positive the past couple days. Hell, I’m even doing better with Celestia.”

Fluttershy and Rarity shared a look before turning back to me. “Are you sure you’re alright?” Rarity asked, leaning forward. “We heard about what happened to you two days ago, and I don’t think that’s exactly something to be happy about.”

I shrugged. “I bit the bullet so no one else had to. Or, in terms you would understand, I suffered so no one else had to. It might have rattled me a little, but Pinkie Pie and Luna gave me some solid advice that I’m sticking to, so I’m doing alright. At least I’m better than I could be. Bitch is either dead or wishing she was, so I’m not really that upset about it. What she’s going through is far worse than what she put me through.”

They traded another look. “Max…” Fluttershy said cautiously.

“...Where is Mineral Zeal?” Rarity finished.

My stomach did a little flip. “I don’t know, nor do I care. What I do know is that Luna said that she would handle it personally, and that I trust her to do so.” I lied. You've got to make happy sometimes

Fluttershy sighed her relief and Rarity leaned back. “We were worried for a second. We thought you might be torturing her or something.” Fluttershy said.

“I considered it, but that would have gotten me arrested, no matter how friendly I am with the Princesses.” I sipped my tea.

Fluttershy turned a little green, so Rarity changed topics. “So, Max, what do you think of our dresses? Fluttershy came up with the design and I made one for everypony, so whenever you feel like being Roxy, stop by and grab yours.”

I nodded my approval. “I rather like them; quite fetching. Your color schemes make me feel like I’m looking at two completely different outfits, and yet they still look like they’re cut from the same cloth, so to speak. Why don’t we have Twilight turn me into Roxy for a couple days so we can do some stuff?”

“What a wonderful idea!” Rarity exclaimed. “We could go shopping!”

“Or to the- Well, not the spa…” Fluttershy said, casting a furtive glance my way.

“Anything but the spa.” I agreed, nodding sagaciously.

“Right. Well, we can still go shopping!” Rarity beamed.

I nodded and drained my cuppa. “Let’s. Once you girls get warmed up we can go see our resident wizard.”

“Weeell…” Fluttershy began with a grin.

Rarity mimicked her. “We had something else in mind first. You wouldn’t mind if we spent some quality time with you, would you?” Fucking score.

My heart skipped a beat. “That sounds like a stellar plan to me, but I need to ask you something before any intimacy ensues. A couple of things, actually.”

Rarity looked at Fluttershy, then back to me. “You mean me specifically?”

“Yes, Rarity. You specifically.” I answered.

She gestured for me to continue. “It’s about Fleur.”

` Rarity frowned. “What of her?”

“I want to request that be able to stay friends with her, if at all possible. Fleur-”

Rarity waved my words aside. “Max, you can keep sleeping with Fleur, just don’t move to Canterlot to do so. The mares you have now are fine, but I just don’t want you sleeping around willy nilly.”

I nodded. “I tend not to, so it really shouldn’t be an issue. The only women I’ve slept with that I’m not dating are Mary, Fleur, and someone named Vinyl scratch, and that encompasses about two to three months, so it’s not like I go out and look for sex.”

Fluttershy beamed. “Good, because you don’t have to! You have us to keep you busy!”

Rarity got a worried look. “Speak for yourself. I don’t believe I could keep up with Max, even if he went at my pace.”

I rolled my eyes at her. “You could at least try. In fact, why don’t we give that a shot now?”

A couple hours later, Rarity was walking funny and Fluttershy had a devious little smile on her face. Rarity ended up giving me a couple of my Hearth’s Warming Day presents in the form of livery for Roxy and some for herself. I would have preferred to have someone model my gift for me, but we were on our way to Twilight’s anyway, so I got a chance to do it myself, and damn did I look good. I made me wet.

...Moving on

We stopped by Rarity’s on the way so we could pick up my version of Rarity and Fluttershy’s collaboration. I had Rarity’s other gift in a bag that I was having her carry since I was still a dude at that point, and I didn’t want to be caught carrying around female undergarments, just in case some random bullshit just so happened to occur. Rarity thought I was just being paranoid and dramatic, but she still held my shit like I’d asked.

We got to Twilight’s in decent time, though I would have gotten there much more quickly if I’d been walking alone. I didn’t mind the cold that much, but the wind was still brutal, and my companions were slower than frozen molasses, leaving me no choice but to deal with it. I’d go on about how much of a pain in the arse it’d been, but there’s no real reason to, and it’s not like Rarity or Fluttershy could control the weather. Well, Fluttershy could, but it wasn’t her actual job, so it’s not like I could ask her to do something with it. Rainbow, on the other hand, would be asked to make the weather warm the fuck up whenever she came around.

Bitching aside, Twilight got me changed so I could wear Rarity’s presents. Twilight was already wearing her version, which was mostly purple in various shades. My own version was the same, but in blue so that Rarity’s, Twilight’s, and my own could be told apart. Our color schemes were a little on the similar side, but the accents and the details of the dresses made it a lot easier to tell them apart, though I do wish that someone wore red or something more often. Preferably Rarity or Twilight. I just realized how effeminate that sounded. Fuck.

After Twilight spent some magic, we had Spike send Applejack, Rainbow, and Pinkie a couple notes, telling them to join us for our trip. An hour later, everyone was ready to go, and there was already talk of turning our day out into a night awake, though I might have helped with that. I wanted to share my good mood with my friends, so staying with them a little longer was a good way to accomplish my mission.

I must say, when you actually kinda give a shit, the incessant talking is actually kind of fun to follow. Seeing where topics change and who changed them were my way of paying attention to what was going on without losing my mind to the constant babbling going on, and it allowed me to follow what was going on so that I could add my input whenever I thought that it was needed. However, Fluttershy and I mostly talked to each other since we couldn’t really get a word in edgewise.

While I was talking to Fluttershy, she let me know that Rarity, Twilight, and herself had all talked about me the other day. The topic was me, for the most part, and who could have me when. They agreed that allowing me autonomy to go see who I wanted when I wanted was better than having scheduled days since it had worked pretty well with us so far. They also agreed that they needed to share as much information about me as possible, just in case someone makes a mistake and doesn’t know how to go about rectifying it, or if they learn about something I like or dislike. It was rather touching to hear about how much thought they were putting into being with me, which made me feel a bit guilty that all they were receiving for their efforts was me. Granted, it was probably going to mean that I’d be more pleasant or easier in general to deal with, but I couldn’t help but think that even me at my best wasn’t quite good enough. I cast my self deprecating thoughts away and assured myself that the girls saw something in me that I just couldn’t, telling myself that I spent too much time trying to tear myself down.

I kept my worries to myself since there was no point in ruining anyone’s mood, so I started telling bad jokes. Pinkie quickly joined our conversation because of her sense of humor, and after a few more groans, the rest of the girls started listening in for more opportunities to bemoan my brilliance. Pinkie and I decided to have something of a joke war, though few of hers made any sense to me whatsoever. I had a higher quality supply, but Pinkie had an entire arsenal of nonsensical punchlines, and I swear that she actually had a pattern to the jokes she told. On every third one, it seemed like the punchline coincided with the first. The second would go with the fourth, and then the cycle would restart, making it seem like she was just being random.

I mentioned my findings to her offhandedly and received the fiercest look I’d ever gotten, despite not really doing anything. I made a mental note to never try and make sense of Pinkie’s madness, just in case I figured it out and she came back to kill me for it.

Thoroughly disturbed by Pinkie’s sudden shift in demeanor, the girls and I threw ourselves into our shopping. I wasn’t really looking for anything in particular, so I had Applejack and Rarity help me pick out accessories. I didn’t normally wear anything without a purpose as far as accessories go, which is why I was having Applejack help me find something study, though I was having Rarity find me something with drastic edges. Between the two of them, I found a heavy studded bracelet that looked like it would fit right in with the goth chavs. It really wasn’t light enough to be worn all the time, so I thought it would be perfect to protect my wrist, just in case I ever needed to back hand someone with poor aim. It was a stretch, but at least it was pretty unisex, so I could wear it as Max or Roxy.

I’d set the pace, so the girls eventually gave up on shopping for new outfits and settled on joining me in looking for random baubles because Ponies are herd animals, and I’m the goddamn Alpha in this bitch. That, or the fact that I actually found something that I wanted made the girls think they would find something too. Either way, I’m still cool. If I keep telling myself that, it’ll become true.

We finished up with shopping after sunset and everyone went their separate ways to get ready for the slumber party, grabbing favourite snacks, secret stashes, and whatever alcohol there was on hand. I brought out a couple bottles of wine, one blueberry, the other normal grape. I wasn’t really planning on drinking, so I didn’t take out any of my hard stuff. I hadn’t touched a drop since the incident with Zeal, and there was precious little that could convince me to do so again. If I’d been in my right mind, it never would have happened, so I swore to myself that I would never get like that again. Thinking of it now, I realize that my drinking was beginning to get out of hand anyways. I dipped into my stores daily, and though I didn’t really think of it at the time, I realized that I had been telling the truth when I told Crimson that I maintained a pretty steady buzz most days, and I just didn’t like the sound of that. It reminded me a lot of what my mother used to do. I don’t want to be like her.

Twilight and I had flipped a coin, but Pinkie unwrapped it and ate it. I’d had that coin in my pocket all day. I had felt for myself that it was real. Twilight and I tried to push the party off on each other after that, but I caved because Celestia would probably be willing to fix just about anything in my house if I asked her to. The same was true for Twilight, however, and she could even fix her shit herself, so I didn’t see what the problem was. Still, at least I wouldn’t have walk back into town.

Fluttershy and Applejack showed up first, which was perfect. I had a few questions I wanted to ask. Once they were settled in the living room with some tea, I asked, “So are you two romantically involved, or is it a friends with benefits kinda deal?”

Applejack choked on her tea and Fluttershy colored a little. “W-We’re just friends with benefits.” The buttery fluttery one answered.

“I was curious. So what made you two get together, if you don’t mind my asking? I thought you were straight, AJ.”

Applejack cleared her throat. “Well, it kinda just started off as Fluttershy tryin’ to make me get my head out of my rear. I was feelin’ somethin’ awful about makin’ you bite your tongue off, and Fluttershy told me that sex always made her feel better, so we gave it a shot. It made me feel better, so we kept doing it, and that pretty much catches you up.”

I nodded. “Well, I’m glad you two found a partner in each other. If you ever need some tips, just let me know.”

Applejack chuckled. “I think I have us covered, sugarcube. You forget that you ain’t the only one with some experience.”

“You’re right, I kinda did.” I admitted. “You know, apple fritters and cake sounds like a weird but good combination to me.”

They both blushed and giggled. We talked about them for a little longer, up until Rarity and Pinkie showed up. Rainbow followed them, and Twilight was last, oddly enough. She lived closer than Rarity and Pinkie, but when I saw the ridiculous amount of board games she brought, I understood. I mentioned Cupcake Roulette to Pinkie while Twilight was busy putting her stuff in the parlor, and Pinkie pulled fourteen different cupcakes out of her overnight bag, setting them with the other snacks. She told me to stick with my favourite color, so I didn’t eat any of them since none of them were blue. My next favourite was dark green, but Fluttershy snatched that one up when Pinkie put it on the table, so I went with a purple one and cut my losses.

Sadly, I knew from the first bite that I had fucked up. I fucked up real bad. Thankfully, I had plenty of milk in my icebox. I probably shouldn’t have finished the cupcake, but I never did like to let food go to waste. The girls laughed as I chugged, which made me laugh. Things got messy when I started laughing, so I put an end to my whimsy in favor of not having milk shoot out of my nose. I shot Pinkie an evil glare once my mouth stopped being on fire and she just smiled.

With that, the party was started. I suggested that we play hide and seek because my whimsy had returned, but all I received were chuckles for my efforts. Instead, Fluttershy, Pinkie, and Rainbow bombarded me with questions about Canterlot. I considered leaving out the more intimate parts, but I decided to go with full disclosure because I was on a decent streak and told them everything shy of the topics of a few conversations. I garnered a lot of blushes, but Rainbow and Pinkie were more excited about me meeting Vinyl Scratch in the first place, let alone laying her. Rarity mentioned that she had met Octavia some time ago, but she mostly apologized for making me think that our friendship was over. I waved her apologies to the side, stating that they were unnecessary, but she remained firm, so I accepted her apology before Rainbow and Pinkie made me spill everything I knew about Vinyl. There wasn’t much to go on, though I did say that she was pretty fun in bed. They told me she was a DJ or something, which I totally believed, but what they called... 'Ponelectonica', just didn't sound like my kind of music. I was still a firm believer that jazz was one of the only good things to come out of America, if that tells you anything about my taste in music.

Rarity didn’t like that very much, so I switched topics. “So I’m thinking of turning my bathtub into a hot tub because reasons.”

“Because reasons?” Twilight asked. “What reasons are they?”

“They are, and that’s all that matters.” I answered cryptically. “I asked Celestia if she could look into it for me, but she hasn’t said anything yet. Speaking of, I need to check up on her some time.”

“You really should. I know it makes me happy to have some of my friends in Cloudsdale send me letters.” Fluttershy commented.

“Yeah! Everypony likes to hear from their friends!” Pinkie added.

“I agree with you wholeheartedly, which is why I’m going to write her tomorrow. I’d do it now, but she’s probably asleep.” I stated.

Twilight beamed. “I’m glad to see that you two are still so friendly. I saw a few bad break ups when I lived in Canterlot, and I’m glad to say that you two don’t show any of those usual signs.”That’s because Celestia’s a benevolent tyrant and I’m a broken mess. We don’t exactly have the same mannerisms as normal people.

“We have our moments, but they usually happen in private. We both want to give it another shot, but unlike some people, we’re actually taking a step back to see what needs to change so that we’ll stay together next time around.”

“So do you and Celestia have a date set for when you want to get back together?” Rarity asked. “You always say that you plan on getting with her again, but you never say when.” Because I don't wanna fucking talk about it

“Our break is supposed to last fifty years, though I doubt I’ll last that long. I’ll probably cave in to her again within the next few years once I have some time to remember all the good moments I shared with her.” I answered casually.

“Fifty years!?” Applejack exclaimed. “We’ll all have grandbabies by then!”

I pursed my lips. “Not really. I can’t procreate.”

Twilight, Rarity, and Fluttershy’s faces all fell flat. The mood in the room sobered considerably until Pinkie asked, “What’s procreate mean?”

“It means Roxy can’t have foals.” Twilight answered. “We see her as a Pony, but Roxy is a Human. I guess Nopony ever thought about it.” Seriously? The whole 'different species' thing didn't clue you in?

I sighed. “I have, I was just hoping that you girls had too. I don’t really want kids anyways, but I know that I’m probably the outlier here, so we’ll handle that when it comes to it.”

Fluttershy gave me a smile and patted my leg. “It’ll be fine. Just because we can’t have foals of our own doesn’t mean that we’ll never have the opportunity. Like you said, we’ll handle that when it comes.”

“Why don’t we just turn Max into a Pony?” Pinkie asked simply. “I’m sure either of the Princesses could do it!”

“No offense to you girls, but I’ll never become a Pony of my own free will. I was born as a Human, I’ve lived my entire life as one, and it’s one of the few connections I still have to my old world. It might be lonely being the only member of my species, but I wouldn’t trade who I am for anything.” I answered. “I could only deal with it for so long before I would have to turn back. It just sounds so wrong to even think of betraying my species like that.”

“It’s not like you’d have to stay as a Pony.” Rainbow said. “Get it in, leave a gooey present, get it out, rinse and repeat until you get the ‘desired result’, as Twilight would say.”

I blinked at her. “That was probably the smartest thing you’ve ever said. Let’s just do that, whenever the time comes.”

Fluttershy lit up like a Christmas tree. “Let’s do it now!” She exclaimed softly.

Every eye turned to Fluttershy. “Sweetie, I’m not ready for kids. I need to be able to deal with myself before I try to raise another person.”

Fluttershy started to curl up under the attention. “Right…”

“I’m gonna have to agree with Roxy on this one, Flutters. Y’all still got plenty of time before ya need to start worryin’ about a foal.” Applejack commented casually.

“But I’m running out of time to have a foal! What if we wait too long and we miss our chance?” Fluttershy protested.

“You say that like you’re getting into your forties or something.” I scoffed. “You have years, poppet. I have multiple lifetimes, granted, but years are still quite long on their own.”

“I’m getting closer to thirty every day, though!” Fluttershy said.

“Fluttershy, chill. You’re making me feel like I’m your grandma or something.” Rainbow scowled.

“You’re only a year older than me.” Fluttershy objected.

“I’m still older than you, and here you are talking about how old you’re getting.” Rainbow shook her head. “Didn’t your mom ever tell you to respect your elders?”

Fluttershy grumbled, “Shut up, grandma.” under her breath. If I hadn’t been sitting next to her, I probably would have missed it.

We let the topic drop and picked up some cupcakes. No one caught the bad one that time around, but I’d already had two cupcakes now, so I wasn’t in the running any more. Rarity, Twilight, and Applejack were the only ones who hadn’t gotten their second ones yet, so Rainbow, Pinkie and I egged them on. Once they chose their cupcakes, they all bit into them simultaneously. Twilight and Applejack both breathed sighs of relief, but Rarity was in the kitchen before they could take a second bite.

Rarity told us that she had to go fix her makeup, and that she would be back in about fifteen minutes. I tripled that time to get my estimate, and doubled that to get an accurate time frame. The rest of the group filled the time with wine and random bits of conversation. I ended up showing off my new pipe, though no one besides Twilight really wanted to partake. We ended up smoking a lot more than we should have, though I was surprised to find that Twilight was keeping up with me rather well. She told me that she’d asked Zecora to help her find some of her own, and that she’d been smoking before bed for a month or so now, and I was proud of her for maintaining her life while smoking like a responsible adult. I told her as much and was rewarded with a brilliant smile, though I had to explain why I was proud of her.

By the time Rarity came back, Applejack was ready to crack open the jar of moonshine she’d brought along with her. “Hey Roxy, you ready to get the party started for real?”

“I think I’ll pass, sweetie. Drinking isn’t as attractive as it used to be.” I responded.

“I figured you would. You’re usually the one who brings out the hard stuff first, and I haven’t even seen you drink so much as a glass of wine.” Applejack remarked.

I shrugged, and Applejack said, “So what’s with the sudden change of heart? As long as I’ve known you, you’ve always been a drinker.”

“I got raped because I wasn’t able to fend off my assailant. I couldn’t fend her off because I was blackout drunk. It just doesn’t seem like a good idea to keep putting myself at risk when I know that I could be in danger.” I sipped my tea.

“Sugarcube, are you really going to give up doing something you enjoy because a terrible pony hurt you?” Applejack asked. Is that really your question?

“Why wouldn’t I? I might drink again in the future, don’t get me wrong, but if I’d been able to get away from the cunt, I never would have been raped.” I reasoned.

“Sounds an awful lot like you blame yourself for what happened, and I don’t think anypony here likes that very much.” Applejack stated. Her words received nods from the girls.

I looked at them, and they waited for me to say something. “I’m not placing the blame solely on myself. If that cunt wasn’t a terrible person, then I would have been fine, but If I hadn’t given her the opportunity, nothing would have happened. Don’t get me wrong, I see it as a blessing in disguise since I was the only one who got hurt,” Besides Zeal, “and now she’s somewhere where she can’t hurt anyone else.”

“You shouldn’t blame yourself at all!” Fluttershy protested.

“She’s right, darling. You really shouldn’t.” Rarity added. The rest of the girls voiced their assent, but my mind wasn’t going to change.

“Then we can agree to disagree. Besides, my drinking was getting out of control anyway. I spent a lot of my days either tipsy or in the process of getting there, and it would have only gotten worse.”

“That’s how Big Mac and I spend most of our winter, Roxy.” Applejack said flatly. Then that would make you alcoholics, Applejack

“I don’t know how it is with Ponies, but I was starting to show signs of moderate alcoholism. A lot of the times I didn’t hang out with you girls were because I was too fucked up to leave my house.” I admitted. There was no small amount of shame involved with that. “It really is for the best if I stick to smoking. No hangovers, tastes better, and I don’t black out.”

“If things were getting that bad, why didn’t you say anything?” Twilight asked. “We would’ve done anything to help you!”

“I know, sweetie, I know. It’s just how the sickness is. It’ll make you think that you’ll be fine as long as you have your intoxicant of choice nearby, and that your friends won’t help as much as said intoxicant.” I shook my head sadly. “I knew exactly what was happening, I just didn’t want to admit that I had a problem.”

Things got a little quiet. “...So are you better now?” Rainbow asked. Gotta remember that I can't blame Ponies for being retarded about psychology.

“I’m getting there. I think that giving up drinking will help with that a lot.” I replied.

“Maybe you just need to learn some moderation!” Pinkie exclaimed.

I gave her the flattest look I could. “If literally anyone else had said that, I might have taken it seriously. As it is, I’m just going to wait until I feel safe drinking again. I know you girls would keep an eye on me and protect me if things got out of hand, but it’s just too soon, you know?”

Twilight reached over and put a hand on my shoulder. “We understand, Roxy. It’s just odd to think that the only pony who could go hoof to hoof with the Apple Family when it comes to drinking would give it up so suddenly.”Was it odd that a Baron got raped on his own land?

“I thought Berry Punch was notorious for being able to hold her liquor.” I said.

“She is,” Applejack chimed in, “but she can’t hold a candle to me or Big Mac. We’re probably some of the toughest drinkers between here and Canterlot.” She said proudly. Like I said; alcoholics.

I chuckled. “Constantly drinking hot toddies made by Granny Smith probably never hurt. I swear, every time I drink some of her cider, there’s at least two shots in the mug.”

Rainbow Dash snickered. “You’re telling me! I went over to lend a hoof the other day with something or other and Granny Smith kept feeding me cider until I couldn’t fly anymore!”

We all got a laugh at that and started sharing stories of silly things we’d done while drunk. Rainbow’s stories often ended with her either striking out or getting laid, while Pinkie’s stories always ended with a mess to clean up. Twilight only had one, and that was the time when she’d come onto me so long ago. I filled in her blanks for that one, and tried to embarrass the shit out of her. I succeeded because I get shit done, and Twilight ended up reciting damn near every incidence in which I misspoke and said something goofy. I had forgotten that I’d said a lot of the things, but the memories surface at their mention, and soon enough, Twilight managed to do something she’d never done before: she turned the tables on me completely.

It wasn’t something the girls were about to let me forget any time soon. I took my punishment with a smile and laughed at some of the ridiculous things I’ve said, though I laughed harder when Twilight started taking turns with everyone. Twilight’s memory was truly astounding, seeing as how she could remember at least ten things for every person there. Eventually, Applejack, Rainbow and I began to think that Twilight was having a bit too much fun, so I caught their attention and synchronized our attack. Just as Twilight was about to move on to Pinkie (which would have been pointless), I grabbed Twilight and pulled her into my lap. Applejack seized her legs, and Rainbow went for the kill.

We tortured Twilight until she warned us that she had to pee. Rarity used her magic to pull Rainbow off her, and I held Twilight until she caught her breath, resting her head between my fun bags. That detail wasn’t important, I just wanted to write ‘fun bags’ down at least once. Twilight had some choice words for us when she finally stopped twitching, though they were saved until after her bathroom break. She scolded us for not letting her just have her revenge, but Rainbow and I teamed up to tell her that it was just how we do. Twilight was the one who was late on the game, though she took it rather well once Fluttershy and Rarity agreed that getting back at a friend for getting back at you was perfectly fair play until someone went too far.

Pinkie and Rainbow were unusually silent after that.

The living room was fine and all, but I had a fucking billiards table and I knew how to play plenty of games with it. Snooker, 8 Ball, 9 Ball, and Straight Pool were my favourite four, so I taught the girls how to play and had Twilight and Rarity set up a tournament for Straight Pool first. Applejack and Pinkie would face off first, then me and Fluttershy, then Rarity and Rainbow. Twilight said that she’d played a lot of it with her dad, so I debated with the girls in order to give Twilight the bye because I knew that she would wreck the shit out of anyone she played with if she had faced off against her dad when he was serious.

Out of Applejack and Pinkie, Applejack took the victory, though it was probably because Pinkie just liked the noises that the balls made. I tried not to destroy Fluttershy, but she’d said that she could count the number of times she’d played pool on two hands. I took it easy on her during the first few shots, but when she completely missed three easy shots that I’d set up for her in a row, I buckled down and ended the match without giving her another turn. Applejack was understandably nervous after that since we would be facing off in the next round, though I was more nervous about Twilight than anything. I would enjoy the challenge, however, I just didn’t want to lose. I’m not a sore loser or anything, I just prefer to win like a fucking normal person. Anyone who says otherwise is weird.

Rainbow and Rarity were just about dead even with Rainbow taking the game because she outmaneuvered Rarity on the last few balls. They were both actually pretty good, and Rarity said that it was because of her experience with it. Rainbow attributed her success to her skill at flying, saying that comparing angles in a high speed maneuver to a game of pool just made sense to her somehow. Applejack and I took to the table and squared off. Unfortunately for her, she got to break, meaning that I was able to poach stripes since they were in better positions. I went five balls straight without missing a shot, and when Applejack missed two shots, it was all over. Rainbow and Twilight were up next, and Twilight got to break. Rainbow got to shoot once after Twilight botched a trick shot, but that was the only time the Aerial Ace got a chance to do anything.

Twilight and I were the clear front runners, so everyone was pretty interested in the game. We had to flip a coin to decide who would go first since neither of us wanted to give the other an edge. It was decided that we would play a best of five, and since I won the coin toss, I had the advantage. I got lucky on my first break and cleared half of the solids from the table. Twilight pulled out some mad skill and knocked all but one of her stripes into the pockets. I ended up taking the first game, so I was doing my best to get inside Twilight’s head. Just as she was lining up her break shot, I said, “Twilight sure does have a great arse, doesn’t she? Especially when she sticks it out like that.”

Twilight jolted and bollixed the shot. She glared at me, her face bright red, but all I could do was smile and line up the three easy kills she had given me. I’d learned how to spin the ball from Night Light, so I tried to make it happen on my fourth shot, but it was no going. Still, I had cleared a decent amount of my balls from the table, so now I was just waiting to see what Twilight was going to do. Twilight let me know that she was no longer holding back and I just grinned. Up until she had two balls left on the table, I was feeling good about myself. With her last shot, Twilight had screwed me something fierce, so I took a moment to figured out a plan. Once I had it in my head, I started carrying it out, taking measures to calm down so I could analyze every shot. Twilight tried to make embarrassing comments, but I barely heard her. My attention was fully on the game, and I knew how to keep it there.

I made every ball up until the last one, so I made sure to give Twilight the worst possible shot, but it just wasn’t bad enough. Luckily, I’d been able to distract her when she went for the eight ball, which ended up giving me the round.

“You cheated!” Twilight protested. “You know I’m sensitive about my chest!”

“Sweetie, I love your chest, and that’s all I said.” I grinned deviously.

“Still, you knew it would be distracting!” Twilight continued.

“Of course, darling. That’s why she said it.” Rarity said idly, inspecting her nails. “Really now, Twilight, you should know that mental attacks are fair play.”

“Now wait just a minute, that just ain’t right. Gettin’ inside your opponent’s head is playin’ dirty.” Applejack put in her two shillings.

“Not really. It’s a part of the challenge of the game. As long as you don’t actually like, touch someone to make them mess up, then it’s fair.” Rainbow said.

“Pinkie? Fluttershy? Do you two have anything to say?” I asked.

Fluttershy shrugged noncommittally. “Not really. It doesn’t really bother me, but if somepony asks you to stop, then you should.”

“Well I think that messing with somepony’s head is wrong!” Pinkie objected.

“Looks like we’re at a deadlock then.” Rainbow said, grinning.

“Not if you count Fluttershy’s vote as the deciding one.” I pointed out. “If you do, then it’s up to the people playing to decide whether or not trash talk is allowed.”

Everyone agreed with that since it wa a nice compromise, and that’s how we played. Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow were all game for trash talk, despite Applejack’s earlier disagreeance with it. Of course, I was better at it than anyone else, but that’s because I cared less about certain boundaries. We ended up playing four tournaments, one for each game I had taught the girls. I won one more, and Twilight took the other two, so we played a loser’s bracket, which ended with Rarity taking two tourneys, Rainbow one, and Applejack one. Fluttershy and Pinkie were awarded a punishment for sucking by way of a three shot Quick Draw.

The name of the game says enough about it, but in case you’re not very attentive, the basic rules are that you have to finish your shots before your opponent. If you lose, then you have to do three more even faster. If you balls up your second attempt, then it’s a two shot penalty. The original Max and I used to play all the time between jobs, and I was glad that I could share an old memory with the girls. Rarity and Fluttershy got all teary eyed when I started reminiscing, so I didn’t do it very long, but when I stopped, they asked me to continue.

“Roxy, why don’t you ever talk about the original Max?” Twilight asked. Because he's fucking dead.

“Please call him Maxwell, it was his real name, and it’ll stop us from getting confused about which Max we’re talking about.” I asked politely. Twilight nodded, so I continued. “I don’t talk about him because I never really accepted that he was gone. I mean, it’s not like I ever went to his funeral, though I did visit his grave. I knew he wasn’t coming back, but my heart still held hope, you know?”

Applejack came and wrapped an arm around me. “Trust me, sugarcube, I know what you mean. When my parents passed, I never really dealt with it either. Big Mac and Granny Smith were torn to pieces, but I just kept things movin’ so we wouldn’t fall behind on the work that still needed to be done. Granny Smith sat me down after about six months and made me face it.”

“How’d she do that?” Rainbow asked.

“She took me to their graves and told me to say goodbye.” Applejack said simply.

I nodded. “I tried to do it with Maxwell, but I could never muster up the courage to say anything. Guess I lost my chance. Why do we keep getting on depressing topics?”

“Because it seems like a good time for you to break down some of the walls you’ve put around your heart.” Rarity stated factually. “I, for one, am glad that you’re being so forth coming with information.”

“Miracles do happen!” Fluttershy slurred from the floor. She’d fucked up the second round of Quick Draw and was paying for it.

We chuckled at her and I replied, “I’m fine with the personal questions, but let’s not ruin the mood of the party, yeah? We’re here to have a good time; if you want to take me aside and talk to me, then just ask or something. I don’t want to depress all of you or something.”

“Why don’t you tell one of your happier stories about your time with Maxwell?” Pinkie asked, bobbing a little. On top of being a lightweight, she’d drank plenty of wine, and her three shots were doing her few favors.

“Sure, why not?” I thought about telling them how Max and I met, but they already knew that one. “How about the second job Maxwell and I did together?” I asked.

I got a round of nods, so I began my story. “Alright, so Max and I had turned in the swag from the first mission we ever did together and were talking about doing another one in a few days. I had a target that I’d been scouting for a few months, but there were so many valuables up for the taking that I’d never thought to go it alone, but with Maxwell, I actually had a shot of pulling it off. We took our time with scoping out the marks house, making sure to note any security that went off by accident or any that we could see. Maxwell was always better with the electrical side of casing a place, so he rigged the alarms to go off at a set time every night for a week. We made sure to never be seen while we were doing our ground work, and always scouted the place out in a different spot every day. Of course, we didn’t stick together so we could cover more ground and see more, so when the day came that we were ready for a midnight stroll, we were well prepared.” I took a break to sip my tea.

Even Fluttershy had rolled over on her side to watch me as I told my story, so I continued. “The night we went to case the joint, the property’s owner decided to get a guard dog. Luckily, it wasn’t very well trained yet, so I pacified it with some snacks I brought along with me while Maxwell tried to pick the lock to get us inside. After I fed the dog and Maxwell couldn't get us in, I took a turn and cracked the lock within a few minutes and got us in, which reminds me that I need to pick up lockpicking again. Anyway, Maxwell and I took everything we could fit in our bags, but we hadn’t accounted for the people living there to have a live in maid who was a night owl. She caught us on our way out and Maxwell had to coldcock her so we could get out.” I started chuckling at the memory. “Damn, that guy had one helluva hook.”

“Roxy, that’s just terrible!” Fluttershy garbled. “How could you hit a pony like that?”

“In fairness, I didn’t hit her, Maxwell did, and don’t let him come back to life and tell you any different.” I said firmly.

Rarity rolled her eyes. “I’m sure that it was you.”

“Hey, just because I’m not the gentlest in bed doesn’t mean that I beat women!” I argued.

Rarity blushed and shut up, and the rest of the girls giggled. Twilight coughed a couple times to get everyone’s attention and said, “Is that the end of the story?”

“Pretty much. We fenced our swag and lived like street kings for a couple months, occasionally taking jobs so we wouldn’t just play Quick Draw or ‘How Do You Feel?’ all day.” I answered.

“How do you play ‘How Do You Feel?’?” Rainbow asked.

“You and a buddy get a bottle of something strong and ask each other how the other feels. If you say anything other than ‘Good’, then you take a shot. The game continues until either no one can talk straight anymore or you both say ‘Good’.” I replied.

“...Isn’t that the game you played with Big Mac the day- The other day?” Applejack asked.

“It sure is.” I told her.

“...With the shape y’all woke up in, I’m not surprised you quit drinkin’ anymore if that’s what you consider fun. Hay, Big Mac didn’t get out of bed until the next day. I’m surprised you were up and moving at all.”

“My healing factor makes getting drunk a little harder than it used to be.” I said. “It also helps stave off the worst of hangovers, and if I meditate, then they go away faster.”

Rarity caught my attention. “So, Roxy…”

“Yes, bonny?” I asked.

“Can I ask what it was like? To be… You know…” She trailed off.

“Raped? Yeah, sure. I was too drunk to remember what happened during much of it, but I do remember waking up tied to a bed with candle wax poured all over my… Nether regions. It felt dirty and humiliating, like you don’t want to face anyone because you feel so violated, so very unclean. The first thing I did after was send a note to Luna and sit in the shower for an hour, trying to scrub my soul with earthly soap and water. It didn’t work. I still feel dirty inside, but I know that it’s in my head, so I try not to let it bother me much.”

It’s really a toss up on whether or not I should have kept my mouth shut. On one hand, it was hot under all of the girls, and if they’d stayed there much longer, I might have had a problem with it, but on the other hand, there was always something squishy under each hand, so that was nice up until Applejack threw a quick jab at my ribs for palming her hindquarters. I told her that it had been an accident, which it actually was. I didn’t say, however, that I had been targeting Rarity instead. In any case, the group hug wasn't needed, but it was still nice to know that the girls would comfort me, even if I was treating the ordeal like a small event.

After many assurances that Mineral Zeal was getting exactly what she deserved and that I was so strong for making it through okay, the girls eventually got off of me and continued to shower me with praise and consolations. It was nice. They tried asking me about a few more personal things like what it was like to kill someone, or what it was like to have sex as a man compared to how it was being a woman. I tried to give them satisfactory yet honest answers, and for the most part, I think I succeeded. I eventually got tired of talking about myself and turned the tables on them, asking in depth questions about whatever I could remember that they do. I asked Twilight about repairing books, Applejack about how to make shine, and Rarity about making dresses. Pinkie and Rainbow told me about baking enmasse and flying in general. Fluttershy was out cold, so I took the opportunity to practice moving and using telekinesis since I don’t do it very often. I couldn’t go much faster than a half decent walking pace, but it was easier than carrying her and it was still some much needed practice.

I came back downstairs after tucking Fluttershy in to find that Applejack had passed out soon after. Pinkie and Rainbow took themselves to bed, which left myself, Rarity and Twilight to keep the party going once I’d levitated Applejack to her room. It was about five in the morning, so we still had plenty of darkness left. We stayed in my parlour to keep playing some billiards. I showed them how to play Cutthroat, and they took to it like sluts to dicks. Or sluts to pussy. Whichever, I don’t judge on preference.

I took the first few games, but when Twilight and Rarity got a better understanding of the game, things got a lot more difficult for me. Rarity and Twilight were constantly knocking my balls in, teaming up to take me down. I started playing extra dirty after I lost three straight games in a row. Rarity was up, preparing to the first shot of the game when I whispered in her ear, “I can’t imagine what your bumhole tastes like.”

She floundered, botching the break completely and slamming her forehead on the pool table. I couldn’t help but fall on the floor, laughing my arse off. Rarity abused the Hell out of me while I was busy laughing and Twilight was trying to pull her off of me to see if she was okay. Besides a lump that was quickly forming, Rarity was just fine, if not a little disturbed about what I said. Twilight cast some magic and the bruise faded just as quickly a sit had formed.

“Really, Roxy? That was so vulgar!” She chided once she was healed.

I was still working out some of my giggles. “But it was so worth it! You should have seen the look on your face before you hit the table!” I broke into another round of laughter.

Rarity huffed, crossing her arms and turning her back to me while Twilight was just shaking her head. “Really, Roxy, you should apologize.” Twilight admonished.

I waited until I caught my breath. “Rarity, bonny, I’m honestly sorry that you got hurt. That wasn’t my intention.” I said, cracking up again.

“Then what was your intention?” She asked testily.

“To make you miss your shot. I succeeded, right?” I got off the floor and looked at the table. “Yes! If it’ll makes you feel any better, I’ll pay you back with kisses wherever you want them”

Rarity gave me some serious side-eye. “Kiss my tail, you insufferable mare!”

I shrugged and grabbed her tail by the base since she still had her back turned. Rarity went limp as I pulled on it, and when I kissed it, Twilight started giggling. When I let her go, Rarity looked scandalized and Twilight was turning beet red because she was trying not to laugh too hard.

“Don’t look at me in that tone of voice! You told me to do it!” I protested.

“I didn’t think you actually would!” Rarity exclaimed, her back against the wall.

Twilight was getting over her giggle fit. “You shouldn’t be surprised. You should know better than to tell Roxy to do something you don’t want done.”

Rarity’s blush deepened. “I suppose I should have. Let us never speak of this again.”

“Fine by me, but I can’t wait to tell the girls about how you face planted!” I chuckled.

“If you can repeat what you said, you’re welcome to it.” Rarity sniffed. “Although, I could never see how you could repeat such terrible words.”

“What did you say, Roxy?” Twilight asked once she had gotten her giggles.

I made a come hither motion and whispered it into her ear. Twilight ended up headbutting my boob, which hurt more than I thought it would.

“Fucking ow! Why are you overreacting so hard?” I asked petulantly.

Twilight stood up straight and covered her face. “I can’t believe you just said that!”

“Oi! Short, purple, and horny! That shit hurt!

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!” She exclaimed. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, but you didn’t need to react like that,” I chastised, “I would have gotten the point if you’d just covered your face or something.” I shook a finger at her.

“Roxy, I’m sor-” Twilight started.

“And why do you have to have a horn anyway? I don’t have a horn, and I’m perfectly fine! Does having a horn make Unicorns just want to headbutt me and my possessions!?”

“Wait, What-”

“And another thing! Why are you so damn purple all the time? Why don’t you ever dye your coat a different color? Are you too good to be blue or green or something!?” I chided.

“...Are you even mad at me?” Twilight asked after I finished.

“What? No, I just wanted to bitch at you since I never get to do it.” I stated plainly.

Twilight gave me that look women give to men when we do something we know we shouldn’t have. If you haven’t received that look, you probably either aren’t a guy or you’re not very active. Either way, Twilight gave me a stern talking to about leading people on to think that I feel a certain way when I’m really fine. Rarity chimed in and they double teamed me, spewing their hot, salty words all over me like it was some kind of verbal bukkake. By the end of it, I was feeling very metaphorically sticky, and I had a few choice words stuck in my mouth that I had to swallow because I had to be a good girl for my mistresses.

Once they were done bitching at me (and I was done ignoring them), we took ourselves to bed because the sun was starting to rise. Twilight and Rarity flipped another coin to see who would join me in my room, and luckily for my nose, Twilight won it. I would have preferred it if I didn’t have to turn one of them away, but they’d already settled the matter, so my input wasn’t necessary.

Twilight was pretty ecstatic that she was going to get to sleep in my bed with me, and I was rather happy to have her there. Rarely enough did Twilight and I share a bed, but when we did, we spent most of our time snogging like a couple of teenagers who just figured out that locking lips felt nice. I gently kissed Twilight into dreamland and followed her shortly after. All in all, it was a good end to a good day.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I woke up in another great mood. Twilight was using me as a pillow and her breath didn’t smell terrible, so I didn’t mind that she breathed in my face. I gently extricated myself from her embrace and looked at the clock on my nightstand. It was a little after eleven, meaning that I had gotten all of three hours of sleep. Not being one to waste a good thing while it’s going, I sat up and noticed that a note was on my bed. I gave it a read, and all it was was an apology from Fluttershy for not staying up as long as everyone else. She’d gone back to her house to feed her animals and would be back in an hour or so to, though unfortunately, she didn’t timestamp it, so I didn’t didn’t know how long she had been gone. I guessed that she had just left, otherwise, I wouldn’t have woken up for no reason.

I got out of bed and got my morning routine done, plus a few extra steps since shaving downstairs as a woman was a lot less harrowing than as a man. Some might argue that point, but those people aren’t me so they can fuck right off and shove it. I rarely attempted to shave myself with a knife as a man because I don’t know if they can reattach the important dangly bits. I know that Unicorns can, however, heal minor cuts, so yes, I considered it much safer. I was happy that alterations to myself stayed the same between my forms, though the scale of those alterations could be wonky sometimes. For example, as Max, my Kingslayer scar takes up the entirety of the underside of my forearm, but as Roxy, it’s about half the size. I ended up looking at myself in the mirror for a while playing with myself because I didn’t have any toys.

Oh wait.

I didn’t bother getting dressed since everyone in the house was probably still asleep, and on my way to the newly named ‘toy closet’, I didn’t hear anyone stirring in the house. It was a little disconcerting that I could still pick out which room everyone was in solely based on their breathing patterns, but I tried to ignore it and opened a few boxes of various things that I’d purchased for no real reason. I settled on something like the one that I had given Twilight, though I was pretty sure that it was made for the alternate entrance. I wasn’t completely certain, but then again, it’s not like I was exactly familiar with half the toys I had.

A sexy thought crossed my mind, so I found the camera that I’d never actually used, donned the livery that Rarity had made for me, and started taking pictures. I’d spent plenty of time looking at old pinups in Onyx’s shop when I’d worked with him, so I had plenty of poses to pick from. I ended up taking a lot of pictures. Like, there were thirty in all. I ran through half of my store of film in one go, and when I surveyed my efforts, I used the toy I’d gotten from the closet.

How narcissistic is it to masturbate to yourself?

Thanks to the miracle of magically focusing lenses, most of the pictures were actually pretty solid, though six of them were just bad. I had twenty four pictures to distribute, so I cordoned off six each for Twilight, Rarity, and Fluttershy. I signed each picture with something different for each girl, though that left me with six that weren’t going to anyone. A bright idea popped into my head, so I signed the rest and sent three to Fleur and the other to Mary using Dragon Fire. Fleur was the first to respond, though she was just angry that I sent her pictures of another mare up until I explained that I was that mare. Once that was cleared up, Fleur sent a few creative photos back, and I was rather thrilled. They immediately went into my dresser, and while I was hiding them, I got a response from Mary. I’d written on one of them that I would see her soon, and she told me that she wanted to see me now. I responded, telling her to wait her turn and she sent me a rather good drawing of a pouty face. I’d never known that Mary was the artistic type, but dear Lord, was she fucking good at it. She’d used her own face as the template and the drawing was incredibly detailed for only having taken fifteen minutes. I put the drawing on the dresser that had my female clothes in it and picked out an outfit for the day.

After switching livery to something that was clean, I ended up going with form-fitting jeans and a plain navy T-Shirt. I checked myself out in the mirror because I’m vain and exited the room to masturbate to myself again. Don’t blame me for thinking I’m hella sexy; you probably would too up until you saw my face, but some well applied makeup can fix that anyways.

Dressed and ready for my day, I went down stairs and made some coffee before catching my journals up. I longed for the day when I would be able to stick bookmarks in between entries so I could find them more easily, but for that to happen, I needed to get the new journal filled with the old stuff. I had about three hours to do nothing but write, and so I did. I ended up getting through the part where I turned into Roxy for the first time, and I’d had a laugh while doing it, up until I reread about the break up. That part just reopened some wounds that I would have preferred stay closed.

I took a break after that because most of the girls had woken up. Fluttershy had come back some time ago and had made breakfast for everyone because she’s sweet. She even cooked some fish that Bearett had caught earlier for me, and I was extremely grateful since hadn’t had meat in the past couple of weeks. I’d been meaning to get back into the Everfree, but the place had quieted down a lot, and most of the residents had gone rather far into the forest. I asked Fluttershy if she would mind me borrowing Lupa for a little bit since she rarely came around anymore. I missed my pupper, and getting to see her away from Fluttershy’s house was even rarer than seeing her in the first place. Lupa had told me that she was longing to return to her ancestral home, but when I’d asked what she meant, all she did was stare at the sky. I asked Fluttershy what she’d meant and the girl clammed up.

Lupa was either preparing to leave forever, or she was going to die soon. I didn’t like either of those options, so I dropped what I was doing and immediately went to Fluttershy’s house. Lupa asked me not to tell anyone about what she was going to go do, so I won’t record it here. I will say that it brought me no small amount of relief and a larger amount of pure, unadulterated joy. When I returned to my home with Lupa right behind me, relieved sighs were heard all over my living room. Lupa went straight to the pantry and ate the last few strips of dried meat that I’d been saving like a naughty little bitch, putting my meat in her mouth without my permission. Lupa stared at Rainbow until she got uncomfortable and moved off of the couch so she could take up her usual spot.

“Dude, have I ever mentioned how weird Lupa is?” Rainbow asked.

I gave her my attention. “You know she can understand you, right?”

She shrugged. “I already said it. It’s not like I can take it back.”

“I like this one.” Lupa chimed in. Because she's mouthy, like you. Bitch.

“Lupa says she likes you.” I told Rainbow.

She scratched her head. “I don’t see why. I just insulted her.”

“Tell her it’s because she looks tasty.” Lupa said.

“Lupa! That’s not nice!” Fluttershy exclaimed. “Roxy, don’t translate that!”

I turned to Rainbow. “She says you look tasty.”

“Roxy!” Fluttershy objected. Rainbow and I cracked up at her reaction, though Rainbow kept an eye on Lupa after that.

“She’s not going to eat anyone, so chill.” I said to Rainbow and Fluttershy.

“Right.” Rainbow said skeptically.

I rolled my eyes and sat next to Lupa. There was space on the couch for someone else, but the only person willing to get close to Lupa now was Fluttershy.

“You ponies should be ashamed of yourselves! Lupa wouldn’t hurt a fly!” Fluttershy contested.

Lupa and I traded a look. “I won’t tell her if you don’t” She said.

“Like Hell. I’m not saying a damned thing.” I scoffed.

“Roxy. Lupa.” Fluttershy said in a warning tone.

“Drop it, Broodmother. You will not find happiness on this path.” Lupa advised.

“You drop it! You’re the dog!” Fluttershy said harshly.

I gave her a black glare. “Fluttershy, that was very unnecessary.”

Fluttershy turned away from me. “Well maybe I wouldn’t have said it if you two kept me in the loop.”

“It’s Operative business, sweetie. Lupa is held to the same oaths I am.” I lied through my teeth.

Fluttershy’s shoulder slumped a little and she pouted. “It’s not fair.” No shit.

Rarity shook her head. “Oh, darling, you should have been there when he talked to a near stranger about his Operative business, but not me.” This again? Fucking seriously?

“Fleur was an Operative! She’s one of like, four that I know. I can’t really discuss Operative business with someone isn’t or hasn’t been one.”

“Is that handsome black and red stallion one of your Operative friends?” Fluttershy asked.

“I forgot you met Crimson. Yeah, he’s one of my Operative buddies.” I answered.

Fluttershy blushed and looked down at her hands, murmuring, “I wish I could’ve gotten to know him better.”

I leaned over and whispered, “He’s gay and has a boyfriend.”

Fluttershy just sighed wistfully and gave me a look. “Am I not allowed to dream?”

“No, apparently not.” I grinned and patted her leg.

Twilight finally came downstairs, a little miffed at being the last to arrive again. Her arrival rounded out our group, and since she was present, that was the unspoken cue for everyone to start leaving. Fluttershy and Rarity walked out together, and Twilight along with Rainbow made up the second pair to go. Just before she skipped out the door, Pinkie whispered something to Applejack that made her wait around until we were alone.

I poured us both cups of tea and waited for Applejack to stop wasting time, debating on whether or not she should just leave. Eventually, she decided to rip the band aid off nice and quick and came around the corner.

“Max, we need to talk.” She told me.

I gestured at the seat across the coffee table and her rapidly cooling tea. “Real name, bad sign. I know, I was waiting for you to hurry up and get over here.”

Applejack blushed and had a seat. Her hands trembled ever so slightly as she lifted her cup up to take a sip. “So…”

“So. What did Pinkie tell you?” I asked.

“...She told me somethin’ that my sister told me too. I need you to confirm.”

“Did she tell you that I still love you, despite your bullshit oversights and straight up mistakes?” I asked casually.

Applejack sank in her seat a little. “She didn’t say it quite like that, but that was the gist of it.”

I shook my head. “I don’t see why she told you.”

“Max, I love you too.” Applejack admitted. She interlaced her fingers and waited for me to say something back.

I looked from side to side before focusing on her again. “That’s not news to anyone here. If you want me to accept you as a lover, I need to know that you’re not going to hurt me again.”

“I don’t want ya to accept me as a lover, otherwise I woulda said somethin’ before now. Pinkie just told me that we needed to talk and I thought it was high time we did.” Applejack said irritably.

In fairness, I was being quite the prick, so I dialed it down a little. “I’m glad that you came to talk to me. Sorry if I’m being a dick head, but you’ve got to understand that I was willing to give a piece of my heart to you, that you were my best friend. I trusted you above any other person on this planet, and you threw that trust in my face. I-”

“Max, do you honestly think I didn’t know that? You told me that I was your best friend, which is why I don't deserve to be with you. I was supposed to always have your back and watch out for you, but I’m the most dangerous pony to you!” Applejack set her tea down and clenched her hands. “It’s hard enough as it is to look you in the face, to be around you and know that I so royally bucked things up between us. It’s hard to see you be happy with another mare, knowin’ that I could have had that too.” Tears began to fall, but Applejack soldiered on. “I accepted that I made my own shit sandwich and that I was gonna have to eat it, but I never knew that you loved me too. That just makes it so much worse…”

“...So what do you want then, Applejack? Why tell me any of this.” I asked wearily. Today started out so good, too.

“I… I just need you to know that I ain’t gonna forget that I hurt you. I’ll carry that weight with me for the rest of my life.” She said through her tears.

“Applejack.” I said softly.

“Yeah?” She answered.

“Stuff your bullshit and forgive yourself already.” I spat. “I forgave you a month ago. You made some mistakes. You’re obviously trying to learn from them. If you were really that bad, that cruel of a person, I would have just killed you when I came back from Canterlot, fuck the consequences.”

Applejack wiped her tears and glared at me. “If it was that easy, I woulda done it already! I just can’t get over-”

“It. Yes. You need to get over it. Like I said, if I thought you were irredeemable, I would have either killed you or had you killed already, so take that and run with it. I’ve met many people who are worse than you, and not all of them are humans. Hell, you’re really not even all that bad for a Pony.”

“You keep sayin’ that you woulda killed me-”

“If you were a bad person. Yes. I would have.” I stated matter-of-factly.

Applejack froze. “Wait, you’re bein’ serious?”

“As serious as Granny Smith breaking both hips.” We simultaneously knocked on the wooden coffee table.

“So you’re tellin’ me that if I was a bad pony, I wouldn’t be here right now?” She asked.

“Yes, that is exactly what I’m telling you.” I said. “I swear, woman, you were so much better at listening when I was giving you dick.”

Applejack shook her head. “You think I’m a good pony, after everything I’ve done to you? After I betrayed your trust?”

“Yeah, I do, oddly enough. You’re not bad most of the time. Trust me when I say that, Applejack. It takes a bad person to know a bad person, and you most certainly don’t fit the bill.”

Applejack chuckled. “Even after all of us told you that you’re not that bad, you still think you’re a bad pony. Do you not see the irony here?”

“No, I see the hypocrisy. I’m being a hypocrite. Look, love, remember your sins all you want, just don’t beat yourself over them. The past is the past, it’s what you do now that matters.”

“Aren’t you supposed to say ‘sweetie’ while you’re Roxy?” Applejack asked, chuckling some more.

“Aren’t you actually supposed to call me Roxy while I’m Roxy?” I jabbed back.

“Fair point. I guess I’ll take your words to heart, Roxy. I don’t think it’ll happen anytime soon, but you’re right. It don’t do me no good to stay upset over somethin’ I’ve already been forgiven for.” I could've told you that. I have told you that.

“But that’s just how you are.” I sighed. I gave her a crooked smile. “It’s a part of why I fell in love with you in the first place, and it’s one of the most infuriating things about you.”

Applejack rose and I followed suit shortly. “You know, for such a bad pony, you sure do have a way of telling ponies what they need to hear.”

“What can I say? I’m wise beyond my years.” I said magnanimously.

“Stow it, ace.” Applejack shook her head and let out a deep breath. “So.”

“So.” I replied ever so loquaciously.

“What’s the score now? I mean, I’m pretty sure we’re still friends, but…” She shrugged and looked at me.

I scratched at a beard that wasn’t there. “If there’s something in particular you want, I’m willing to listen.”

Applejack rubbed the back of her head. “There really ain’t nothin’ I want from ya. I still don’t think I deserve to be with ya in any way, so that’s off the table. I guess we could start doin’ stuff together again.”

“Is that all you want?” I asked. She nodded, so I said, “Then I see no reason why not to. I missed spending time with you.”

Applejack smiled. “Glad to hear it. You know where I live, so feel free to swing by any time.”

“As long as you promise not to make me kick trees, I will.” I swear to whatever deity the Ponies hold dear, if I have to kick a fucking tree, I’m going to be so pissed.

Applejack just chuckled. “Deal, though I might have ya help me fix another wagon.”

“Shit, I have telekinesis now. I could probably do it solo.” I bragged.

“Glad you offered! Let’s get a move on already!” Applejack hopped over the table and started dragging me out of my house.

I stopped her and told her that we should probably grab our coats if we’re heading outside. Applejack let go of me for a split second and I was fucking gone. It took her thirty minutes to find me hiding under my bed, but only thirty seconds to get down there and drag me out.

Life is so unfair sometimes.

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Fun With 'Evil'
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Fun With 'Evil'

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Chapter Twenty-Eight: Copacetic
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Copacetic

Chapter Twenty-Eight

There aren’t many things better than waking up next to someone you love. I don’t know what any of those things are, mind you, but I do know that opening my eyes to find Twilight looking at me was rather nice. I suppose it should have been a bit more creepy than I’d found it, but Twilight had woken up under the same circumstances before and I’d explained that I just liked looking at her from time to time. I assumed that the feeling was mutual.

“Wake up to perfection and the rest of the day just feels like it’s going downhill.” I flirted blearily.

Twilight chuckled and gave me a kiss on the cheek. We’d started saving normal kisses until after coffee. “You say that now, but you never know! Today might just be one of your better ones.”

“It’s already starting out good.” I rolled over onto my back and sat up, yawning. “Do you think Spike’s up already, or am I going to make breakfast today?”

“Omelettes do sound pretty good. I think we have enough eggs.” Twilight slid out of bed and started picking out clothes for the day.

I’d brought over a set last night so I would have something to change into. “Do you want me to wait until after showers to start cooking?”

“Yes please. If you can get to the kitchen before Spike, leave a note telling him that we’ll make breakfast today.” Twilight requested.

“No, I'll make breakfast. I still remember the smell from the last time you tried to cook.” I chuckled. She’d turned potatoes into charcoal after dressing them like they were already cooked. I never knew that you could clear a house so quickly in the middle of winter.

“That was one time! I didn’t know that potatoes were flammable!” Twilight objected.

“You’re lucky Spike likes burnt food, otherwise you might have been in trouble.” I rose and stretched some more.

“Shush and go! March!” Twilight ordered playfully.

I headed downstairs to find Spike doing some prep work for breakfast. Thankfully, he’d been using the black apron that said ‘Kiss the Cook’ instead of his frilly pink one, though I was sure that he still had it somewhere, despite my warnings. I’d gotten him his new apron after I’d heard a round of comments from the girls one day about how adorable Spike was with his old one, and the guy seemed to be confused as to why I wanted him to switch. I let him know that ‘adorable’ and ‘handsome’ are two completely different responses from women, and that we should work on getting ‘adorable’ changed over to something more masculine, hence the new apron. Spike absolutely loved wearing it whenever the girls were over because it usually meant that he was getting kisses from Rarity and Fluttershy.

I trained him well.

I let Spike know that I was planning on taking over the breakfast activities and he told me to stop bothering him and go be sappy with Twilight or something. Unluckily for him, Twilight always had plenty of tape and paper on hand, so I stuck a ‘Lick Me’ sign to his back while he wasn’t paying attention and went back upstairs to see if Twilight had gotten in the shower yet. She had, so I blew some time doing push-ups and crunches because I was about to get clean anyway. I’d worked up a little sweat when Twilight came into the room, so I finished with my set before rising to greet her.

“My turn?” I asked, a little winded.

Twilight’s eyes were glued to areas that were not my face and I was rather thankful that I’d thought to take off my shirt. “What?” She asked after a moment, refocusing on my eyes.

“Is it my turn in the shower?” I lifted a brow.

“Oh, yes, sorry!” Twilight said quickly. I noticed that her eyes were trying, and failing, to stay on my face.

“Look where you want, cherry, it’s all yours anyway.” I patted her shoulder on my way out and tried to sway my hips like Fluttershy did when fun was about to ensue.

Twilight giggled, so with my mission accomplished, I took my shower. The water was warm, my soap smelled great, and Twilight had totally been naked in this room before me. My heart hammered a beat as my imagination wandered, making me giggle like a was a Japanese schoolgirl or some shit. I’d never been terribly sensitive to nudity, but the thought of seeing Twilight Au Naturale made me excited like no other. Of course, I’d had a lot of practice breaking down tents from my teenage years, despite never having gone camping.

I finished up with my shower, but my usual methods of calming down weren’t working, so I pulled a Rupaul and tucked it so that it would be less noticeable. After wiping away the steam on the mirror, I wondered if I should have a barber shave my beard for me. Twilight hadn’t really said anything about it, so I’d just left it there ever since I’d come back from the Everfree. In fact, no one ever said anything about my beard. I was a little offended before I realized that I was basically growing face fur, though it was longer than any Pony’s by far.

I whipped out the Warbling Blade and slowly whacked away at my beard, making sure not to cut myself. About fifteen minutes later, I had a nice, clean shave and a very cold face. I immediately wished that I’d saved shaving until after winter, but I could deal with the last vestiges of the cold months. Spring was coming next month, and I was excited for it since it meant that I could get out of my house and back into the forests. I hadn’t been hunting in some time now, and missed the thrill of a one on one battle of instinct against wit, but I could hold onto my mildly psychopathic tendencies until I had a chance to meet an opponent in the Everfree.

Finished with my morning ritual and then some, I joined Twilight and Spike for a lovely breakfast. Spike was a little perturbed since Twilight had licked his face for no apparent reason and refused to tell him why she’d done so, but I kept my laughter to myself, despite Spike’s flurry of questions asking about what exactly had gotten into Twilight. There was little that could convince me to tell him that I’d stuck a sign to him before the day was up.

We finished up with breakfast shortly since Twilight and Spike didn’t really talk over meals in the morning. The little Dragon had outdone himself this morning, so Twilight and I had given him plenty of praise for being an adept chef. Seriously, if Spike could have a Cutie Mark, it would probably be in cooking or something. I decided not to lick Spike as a reward, though I probably wouldn’t have anyway because scales and tongues don’t seem like they’d work well together. If the Ponies wanted to get a taste of Spike, then they were welcome to it. My tongue stays in my mouth, unless it’s in someone else’s. Even then, I’m only sharing for a little while.

Spike went out to go see Apple Bloom since she was probably awake, so Twilight and I went back upstairs and did some snogging in the privacy of her bedroom. Since we had some time to ourselves and after yesterday’s events, Twilight asked me to handle the controller while she gave me a mouth hug. Honestly, right now I’m conflicted. I want to record every important event, but every moment with Twilight feels important. I’d like to look back on my perspective of these memories with her some day, but I don’t want some slimy fucker wanking to my woman.

I just asked Twilight to add another privacy spell to my journal.

Twilight, while inexperienced, had put a lot of her brainpower into wrapping her head around the act. Fluttershy had given her good advice on the pleasure aspect and Rarity had spoken to her about techniques for a long haul, and their ready answers to Twilight’s questions allowed her to get a visualization of how and what she she should be doing. I’d never thought that speculation and the occasional not-to-scale testing would bring forth such good results, but it might have just been the fact that it was Twilight. Either way, we had a good time and Twilight always made clean up easy. She’d told me that it was another tip from Fluttershy, and much more quietly, that she enjoyed doing it. Of course she’d added ‘for you’ after a moment, but she knows she can’t pull one over on me. It doesn’t stop her from trying, which I find adorable.

We went back downstairs after a an hour or so of fun time and did what we usually do: drink tea and read. That passed the time pleasantly until around three when Rarity and Fluttershy came over. They joined us in the library, telling us about their morning at the spa. I couldn’t help but notice that Twilight continued laying on me while Fluttershy went on about this new hot stone thing they were trying, which was her way of staking her claim, if I’m correct. Rarity took about ten minutes to say something.

“Why, Twilight, I must say, you’re being more… Personal with Max than usual, aren’t you?” She asked, a little confused.

Twilight sat up and looked to Rarity, though her hand found mine with a practiced ease. “I guess I was just comfortable.” Twilight chuckled nervously.

Rarity’s eyes found the contact immediately. “Twilight? Our agreement?”

Twilight gave her a bewildered look, so I squeezed her hand. She glanced at it and did a double take before snatching her hand away. “Oh! Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.” She grinned sheepishly.

“Has something happened that we should be aware of?” Rarity asked neutrally.

I decided to bite the bullet and spit it out already. “I picked Twilight.”

Fluttershy gasped and Rarity’s face didn’t change at all. “Darling, what do you mean by that?” She asked flatly.

“I mean that I pick Twilight. There will be no other in my heart before her.” I stated factually.

Rarity and Fluttershy exchanged stunned looks before lunging at us like wild animals. Granted, they were animals that wanted to smother one with affection and crush people with hugs, but animals nonetheless. They chorused their congratulations and I was rather thrilled that they’d taken the news so well. There was some babbling about mushy love stuff that wasn’t terribly important, though I will say that hearing Twilight claim me as hers was nice.

Things eventually got down to business, and Fluttershy asked, “So does this mean that we can’t see Max for, well, quality time anymore?”

“I must admit, I was a bit worried about that myself.” Rarity chimed in.

Twilight looked to me. “It’s up to you, cherry.” I told her.

“Really? No help at all?” Twilight asked.

“I’m happy with you. I don’t mind entertaining other women for some time, but if it’s not okay with you, then it’s not happening.”

Twilight beamed. “Okay, you can borrow him from time to time. Max, I want you to tell me if you sleep with another mare.”

“Does it count if I look in the mirror as Roxy and get off?” I asked innocently.

“Just because you asked, yes.” Twilight said, coloring slightly.

“Oi, I’ll let you watch too! Don’t be jealous.” I teased.

Twilight swatted my shoulder absently and hit the same spot she usually did. If she swung harder, I would probably have a bruise from all the times I’d said the wrong thing. “Hush!”

“We’ll let you know before we borrow Max, if at all possible.” Rarity said, cutting across our aside.

Twilight smiled. “Thank you, I appreciate that. You know, for some reason, it’s a little harder to share Max now.”

“That’s love for you.” Fluttershy sighed dreamily.

I got up to go make some tea since things were about to get mushy again, but Twilight was out of her favorite kind. I remembered that her second favorite was my go to whenever I was at her house, so I brewed some of that and took some time to do some thinking. I didn’t really know how I felt about Rarity and Fluttershy anymore. They were still important to me, but Twilight took up most of my heart, so I can’t say that I loved them as I once did. Honestly? I didn't really even feel much of a desire to sleep with either of them, though I knew that I would enjoy it if I did. It just wasn’t the same, thinking about my time with them versus my time with Twilight. It had been special with each of them, but I’d known that there was just something else to Twilight.

It wasn’t a pleasant feeling, knowing that I’d simultaneously closed two doors in opening one, but there was nothing I could do about it at this point. I couldn’t possibly fathom feeling the way I do about Twilight with anyone else, and I doubted that it was going to change anytime soon, though that did make me wonder why polygamy was even a thing if two people could feel this way about each other. Well, maybe that was why polygamy was a thing: So you can broaden your horizons without fear of losing someone important. It felt like a bit of a copout to the Human game of love, which I feel is much more difficult. At least the Ponies usually knew how they were feeling and were up front about saying it, whereas my people like to play silly fucking games and drop obscure hints.

Former hatred of the dating game in general aside, I came back into the library with some tea and the girls continued talking like I wasn’t even there. If this was a rarer occurrence, I might have been put off, but I knew that the only way I was getting into that conversation was as Roxy, and even then it would be a pain in the arse to follow. Since I wasn’t needed for at least an hour, I decided to go see what Noir thought of me already having a catalyst. I let Twilight know that I was going to meditate in her room for a little bit and went to go do so. Once I was settled in the usual position, I closed my eyes, took three deep breaths, and opened them again to find myself in a pub I used to go to. Noir was playing pool with a glass of some amber liquid on the table not too far from her. She looked like a business woman that had just gotten off of work and was enjoying an evening away from home. I thought it sounded like the set up to a porn film or something, but Noir didn’t comment on the thought.

“So you have found a catalyst in The Warbling Blade.” She said before a bad scratch. Noir frowned and retrieved the cue ball plus one more as a penalty.

“I believe I have. I’m guessing you’re not going to teach me much more about it.” I said.

“You have an adequate set of tools. Apply them correctly and you will be able to overcome many obstacles.” She sighed after scratching again and just re-racked the balls.

“You already know I agree. I’m just happy that when I draw with the stiletto, the magic looks a little blue.”

“It is the nature of my magic. I always did find black and green to be terrible together.” Noir stated.

“Black and blue does suit you. Why do you wear so much black, but not blue?” I asked.

She looked down at her black blouse and skirt. The blouse turned a dark blue and Noir looked back up to me. “Is this better?”

“I wasn’t complaining, just asking. If black is your thing, you could always try this.” I pointed off to my left and imagined the most emo dude I had even seen. Osiris’, baggy black pants with chains all over them, some T-Shirt from a bad bubblegum punk garbage band, and more piercings than should have been possible.

Noir frowned in distaste. “The only experiences I have with people of this sort are yours, and you generally avoided them, despite knowing that they were normal people.”

I shrugged. “I didn’t like the style. The whole androgyny thing never really appealed to me.”

She rolled her eyes. “Your hair was longer than most of theirs, though nowhere near as styled. I suppose that is a masculine enough feat, to not take care of your body.”

“It’s just hair! I do need to get a haircut, though. It looks fine enough as it is, but I know Twilight wants to ask, and Rarity wants to chew me out for going around looking like this.”

“Ask her to cut your hair for you.” Noir said simply. “She keeps a pair of salon scissors in her bag, and would most likely find a style that suits you.”

“I’ll do that. Rarity is known to have a steady hand and some creative prowess. I just hope she doesn’t make me look like a prick.”

Noir handed me a cue. “She cannot make you look like what is inside.”

“Are you saying that I’m a prick?”

“I am saying that Rarity cannot make you look like something that you already are.” Noir grinned.

“You’re totally saying I’m a prick. You know what? I’ll break.” I grinned evilly at her and the smile fell from her face.

“Would you truly beat a woman so barbarically?”

I just grinned and lined my shot up. I used a jump ball to pocket one on the first shot and the game began from there. I gave Noir a single shot to catch up to a six ball deficit, but she scratched and I wiped the table. Just to be a show off, I let her have another shot and she sent it clear across the table, making me use my well practiced spin shot to sink the 8 Ball. Noir crossed her arms after her loss and we changed scenery.

We stood in a large, open room that seemed a bit like a gymnasium or something, but made predominantly of stone. There were hoops on either side of the court, and Noir was now holding something not unlike a basketball. She was wearing some female athletic attire from my world that suited her rather well, so I changed into some shorts and a T-Shirt.

“Are we seriously going to play basket ball? You’re faster and taller than I am!” I objected.

“We played your game, now we must play mine.” Noir grinned deviously.

Long story short, Noir barely had to get off of the floor to dunk, and I was painfully caucasian with my basketball skills anyway. Noir blocked every shot, shut down every rush, and pretty much just stuck to me like glue. I, on the other hand, was barely able to keep up with the ancient being's mad skills and was often left on the floor after a brutal cross up. We played to twenty, though the only one who even scored was Noir. She gave me a shit eating grin after the last basket and asked, “Do you want to play again?”

“Not after being wrecked that thoroughly, I don’t. Was this a sport a thousand years ago or something?” I asked.

“It was, and it was very similar to your basketball. It was a lot bloodier in my time, though that did make it far more entertaining to play.” Noir sighed. “Sadly, the times where people weren’t afraid of a little pain are over.”

“Not back on earth. I’m sure that there are still fools doing nut shot videos in someone’s backyard.”

“There may be, but it is not of your concern now. What you should be worried about is the fact that an old lady just trounced you without breaking a sweat.” Noir beamed.

I gave her the two finger salute. “Shove it, granny. We can always play some more billiards.”

“I believe that physical sports are more my specialty.”

“More dumb muscle, huh?”

She gave me a look and I laughed. “Do you remember your offer to match our strengths?” She asked

I thought about it. “You mean wrestling? Yeah, I remember. What about it?”

The scene changed again and we were in the middle of a clearing in a forest. Waves of grass blew gently with the breeze and Noir stalked toward me. I decided not to wait for her strides and started closing the distance a bit. Noir was faster than me in a straight line, but I could outmaneuver her if I played my cards right, so I waited until she went to make her lunge and faked to the right. Noir hadn’t committed before, but she saw an opportunity while I was ‘off balance’ and went for it. I sidestepped and caught her arm, throwing a leg over her so I could put Noir in a shoulder lock. Maxwell had taught me a lot about going up against someone bigger than me when we’d scrapped, so I was a little more slippery than Noir might have liked I sank the arm lock pretty decently, but it didn’t help that she was just so much stronger than I was. I’m pretty sure Noir dislocated her own shoulder to get out of the hold, and once I let go, she caught my collar with her other arm and threw me over her head, flat on my back. I was winded, but I still tried to get up, though I didn’t have the chance. Noir straddled my chest and pinned my shoulders under her knees, making it just about impossible to get up. It didn’t help that she was heavy as fuck anyways.

“Alright, you win.” I gasped. “Old lady beats up young man. Who would’ve thought?”

Noir booped me. “I would have thought. I must say, it is fun being on top of you.”

“That’s a pretty popular opinion.” I commented.

A blue aura surrounded her right arm and I heard a nasty pop. Noir grimaced for a moment before rotating it around to make sure everything was okay. “I am aware. That is why I said so.”

“Are you coming onto me or something?” I asked.

“No, I am teasing you.” Noir got off of me. “And I am not heavy. You are simply weak.” She huffed.

I sat up. “You’re heavy as fuck. You’ve got like, a full foot of height on me and I would be willing to bet a couple kilos.”

Noir offered me a hand so she could shove me when I stood. “You know of all the best ways to make a woman feel special, do you not?”

“I gave up trying to charm you when I realized that you could read my mind, not that you don’t already know that.”

“And yet you still want to lay me. Your fetish for royalty is amusing.” Noir shook her head, grinning.

“I just like the sound of being every princess’ favourite pauper. After Celestia, it just feels like something I should aim for.” I remarked.

“You are already friends with five current or former ruling powers now. Elfriede and Celestia would sleep with you whenever you asked, Cadance is interested, I am simply saying that I want you to know me better, and Luna probably won’t sleep with you under any circumstance.” Noir stated. I was wondering where I stood with them.

“It’s nice when you answer questions that I haven’t asked yet. It’s like getting your bacon cooked just right when you haven’t said anything.” I smiled.

She patted my shoulder. “I know, that’s why I did it. I find your analogy to be adequate.”

“Of course you do, you understand the emotion behind it. Speaking of, how are you feeling?” I asked.

Noir blinked at me. “That was unexpected. You spoke without thinking.”

“That’s not an answer to my question.” I said.

Noir sighed. “Being blindsided is not fun. Truthfully, I wish that I could spend more time with you. It does get lonely in here, though I believe that wandering through your memories to find something to do helps immensely.”

“Is there a way to talk to you without meditating?” I asked. “I know that when I spent time alone on Earth, hearing a friendly voice brightened my day.”

Noir chuckled. “Your concern is kind, though it is unnecessary. I have told you before that I cannot become depressed, so do not worry: I will be perfectly fine.”

“Still, I’ll try to visit a little more often-”

She shook her head. “No. I will not have you spending more time than necessary in your mind. Once a day is plenty enough to ward off the worst of my loneliness.”

I shrugged. “Then I’ll either catch you in the morning or at night.”

“It will not hurt my feelings if you miss a day. It will also not hurt my feelings if you simply choose not to return.” Noir stated factually.

“Bullshit. You do have feelings, and I doubt that you’d just be fine without having personal contact. I might not understand you very well, but I understand friendship pretty decently and friends don’t let friends suffer if they can help it.” I closed my eyes and imagined a merry-go-’round.

Noir stared at it. “Your words are touching, but I am not getting on that thing.”

“Do it, Noir.”

“No.”

“Do it.”

"No."

"Do. It."

She rolled her eyes and grumbled. “Fine.”

Noir boarded the playground toy and I set my hands on the rails. “Are you ready for the time of your life?” I asked cheekily.

“I am a six thousand year old eldritch being that has ended more lives than most contagious diseases, run my own country, created my own form of magic, and cowed thousands of men before my might. Spinning in a circle like a child from your world will not be my crowning achievement.”

“No, but being spun around in a circle by a one of a kind species in said species's mind while wearing clothes from a different world- Wait.” I paused as I was preparing to spin. “Why don’t I have Rarity start making sports wear? I’m sure we could make some money while doing it. With you bolstering my memory, I’m sure we could get a functional prototype going within a week or two.”

“You prolong my suffering with your tangent. It is a good idea, but let us get this over with.”

I shrugged. “Don’t get ill.”

I grabbed one of the rails on the merry-go-’round and started running because that’s the fastest way to get them started. Then I remembered a Youtube video that I’d spent far too long laughing at and imagined a wheel spinning at ridiculous speeds. Noir was sitting in the middle of the contraption, so I wasn’t worried about her flying out right at this moment. I touched my construct to the merry-go-’round and it picked up speed rather quickly. I grinned to myself and found a decent time to hop on, struggling to join Noir in the center. Once I was there, I turned it up a notch, and about a minute later, Noir and I were flung through the air like we were Mardi Gras beads. Luckily, Noir had the presence of mind to change the scene into a padded room, though we still hit the walls pretty hard. I bounced off of the floor and laid there for awhile because I was dizzier than a metaphor and twice as nauseous. The merry-go-’round wasn’t my best idea, but it had been fun.

“We are never doing that again.” Noir groaned a few meters away from me.

I didn’t trust myself to open my eyes, let alone speak, so I grunted by way of response. It took a few minutes for my head to stop spinning, but once it did, I sat up against the soft wall and looked at Noir who was still face down on the floor. At least it was a soft floor.

“Alright, so we’ll find something slower to go on next time.” I said before standing.

Noir turned her head so she could speak. “I despise you so much right now.”

“It’ll fade with the nausea, love.” I walked over and sat next to her prone form.

She pushed herself up and sat down. “The nausea has been gone, but I still despise you. I like these padded rooms, though what that says of my mental state is to be determined.”

“You know you were having fun until it got too fast.” I said playfully.

“I was. The ‘too fast’ part is all your fault.” Noir chided.

“Yes, but you can’t appreciate the good times without the bad, so suck it up.” I patted her shoulder.

Noir whacked me with one of her wings. “Damn you and your whimsy.” She appeared to think for a second. “As much as I would like to show you my favourite torture device, our time is coming to a close. Have fun with Twilight, Maximus. Tell her I said hello.”

“I will, though I don’t know how she’ll feel about Nightmare Moon telling her to have a nice day.” I commented.

“She will accept it if it is you who speaks.” Noir smiled and waved me off.

I could feel my eyelids start to close, but I wanted to ask why exactly it was that we never spent that much time together. It would have to be saved until next time, so when I opened my eyes again, I made a mental note to talk to Noir about that before checking my pocket watch. A little time had passed while I’d been meditating, but only fifteen minutes. I found that to be odd since time seemed to move differently in my mind, but I shrugged it off and made another note to ask Noir about the time dilation.

Since there was only one thing on my itinerary, I went back into the library to find that the girls were still talking about something or other, so I had a seat next to Twilight and waited out the storm. I was immediately dragged into the conversation, despite my reluctance. Thankfully, I manipulated the conversation just right, so we were on the topic of hair before too long. I mentioned that I’d wanted to get my hair off of my shoulders, which is why I cut it. Rarity chided me for not going to a proper barber instead of just chopping the majority of it off willy nilly. I asked her if she had any ideas of what to do with it, and I swear her day was made. Rarity wasted no time dragging me off to the kitchen, but at Twilight’s little cough, she let me go and went to go grab a towel.

Fluttershy and Twilight joined me in the kitchen and Rarity returned with the towel. Noir had been right about Rarity carrying salon quality scissors in her bag, though I wondered how she’d known that because I hadn’t even known that. I chalked it up to something that I probably just never paid attention to and waited for Rarity to make me pretty. It took an hour for her to finish up, but the smile on Twilight’s face was well worth the time. Once we were finished with the act itself, Rarity handed me a mirror and I surveyed her work. She’d made me look like some snobby prick, but I had to admit that it didn’t look bad, although I’d had my reservations. Twilight said that I looked quite handsome and I could feel my face flush, which made Rarity and Fluttershy chuckle. I told them to shut up and they continued laughing at me.

Rarity decided to leave about twenty minutes after she finished with the haircut, so I gave her a hug and thanked her for being so pleasant. She assured me that she was always pleasant and left as I was rolling my eyes. Fluttershy stuck around to ask Twilight about the difference between what she’d felt for me previously and how she felt for me now. Twilight said that there really hadn’t been a doubt in her mind before, but when we’d had our moment, something had just clicked and her feelings intensified. Fluttershy asked I told her that Twilight had told me the truth when I’d needed it most, and that she’d given me a realistic promise when I’d asked for something unreasonable. Fluttershy was curious as to what that question was, so Twilight and I said it to her in unison. It was a little odd that we’d synced up so perfectly, but Fluttershy had thought it was adorable and said as much. The buttery fluttery Pegasus talked for awhile longer before taking her leave, wishing us well.

I didn’t want to leave Twilight, but I still had a house to look after, so I bid her a good night, but was forestalled by a few goodbye kisses that lasted longer than they probably should have. I wasn’t complaining by any means, but I’d wanted to get going before the Sun set and it was dark by the time Twilight let me go. Again, not complaining. The more time I spend with Twilight, the happier I feel.

I’d invited Twilight to come along with me, but she’d said that Spike was due back home at any minute, and that she’d wanted to be home when he returned. It was perfectly fine by me, though that was mostly because Twilight said that she would bring Spike with her whenever he came home. It meant that we would most likely hear plenty of gagging and the occasional honest dry heave, but I hoped that Spike would be asking questions about what real love felt like. I doubted that it was going to be on his mind when he saw me snogging his sister, but a man can hope.

The walk back home had seemed far longer than it used to, but I assumed that it was because I was walking in the opposite direction of the one I wanted to be with. I couldn’t really do anything about it, so I kept going until I got home and started looking for something to do. There was precious little that needed to be cleaned since I wasn’t exactly a messy person when it came to my personal effects, but swept anyway and grabbed my journal. I was filling in the parts about falling face first for Twilight with a goofy smile on my face when the woman on my mind knocked on my door. I immediately dropped what I was doing and ran to the door, taking a moment to check myself in the mirror nearby before opening it. Twilight greeted me with a smile and Spike sighed hard, but I told him that he would have free run of my game room, so he cheered up quickly and went to go bash some balls together on my billiards table.

After setting a record on the player, I went back to writing in my journal and let Twilight browse through my collection of records so she could see if she wanted to listen to something else. Twilight put on a collection of classical music that was meant for waltzes and pulled me away from my writing for a little dance. Twilight trod on my toes like I was part doormat, but it’s not like I’m any sort of dancer myself, so we just spun around in circles around my living room, enjoying the moment. Spike came out of my parlour to go grab something to drink and watched us for a little while, sticking around until we finished up. He grabbed his drink and walked up to us before asking why we were spending so much time together lately. We told him that he would get it once he fell in love, and that he would actually understand it once he found the real deal. He didn’t quite get what we were talking about, so he asked a few more questions about how he was supposed to know what the real thing was. Twilight and I gave him the best answers that we could come up with, but he was just too young to get the picture.

Twilight let me finish up with my journals and asked if she could read them. I hesitated for a second before handing the book to her. “Wow… I never thought that you would just… Well, hand it over.” She said, shocked.

“I have no secrets from you, cherry. That’s really all there is to it.” I shrugged.

She fingered the spine and looked at the journal for a moment. “Are you sure you don’t mind? Isn’t your journal supposed to be full of your deepest thoughts?”

I gave her a crooked smile. “It is. Twilight, if you asked me about anything in those pages, I would tell you anyway. All you have to do is ask, and I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”

Twilight stroked the face of the book. “... Thank you. Should I skim, or do a deep read?”

“I like to think that I keep things detailed enough to warrant a deep read. While you’re doing that, I think I might pick up with A Thousand Moments.” I went to go find where I’d left the first draft and brought it back into the living room.

Twilight laid her head on my lap and levitated my journal so that she could read in her usual position, leaving me to try and write around her head. She eventually magicked up some hard air so that I could set my book down and write while she read. We took the occasional break to grab a drink or a snack, but we stayed in the same position for hours at a time until Spike let us know that he was going to bed. I told him to pick any room that he wanted and he said that he was picking my bedroom, so Twilight told him that if he stole my bed from us, she would turn him into a combination of Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle’s color schemes. Spike picked one of my guest rooms on the first floor and told Twilight that she was absolutely evil.

We continued doing what we had been long into the night. I didn’t really want to go to sleep and miss a little extra time with Twilight, and she was enraptured by the inner workings of my mind. Once Spike went to bed, she read the entry I’d made about our time together at my welcoming party out loud with a bright blush on her face. She stuttered and stammered through it and I laughed my arse off, remembering the time with no small amount of amusement. Twilight said that she only remembered bits and pieces of it and I reminded her that her drunkenness was the reason that we hadn’t had sex in the first place, which made her make the most adorable ‘Squee’ I’d heard in some time. I don’t know how Ponies make that sound, but I do know that Twilight is the best one at doing it adorably, although I might be a little biased.

I suddenly remembered to tell her that Noir said hello and Twilight asked if I’d done the sex to her yet. I assured Twilight that Noir respected our relationship and would most likely only make a move on me once she got permission from Twilight herself. She seemed to like that and asked if she could talk to Noir sometime, though I didn’t know if that would be possible at all. I offered to tell Twilight everything I knew about my ‘evil’ little friend, and she closed the journal to give me her full attention, so I put up my own busy work and launched into the small list of things I knew about Noir.

Honestly, there wasn’t really all that much to go on. She hadn’t steered me wrong yet, and her advice seemed to be quite sound. Her willingness to accept that she messed up went a long way with me, and the fact that she’d been using information that I’d been ignoring to come up with solid solutions and advice made me respect her. Noir seemed like a crafty, kind person to me, though I couldn’t help but remember Luna’s warning. I needed to feed Noir with a long handled spoon if I didn’t want to get bitten, but everything I’d seen from her so far told me that Noir was probably one of the most trustworthy people I’d ever met. She had yet to say so much as a half truth to me, though Twilight pointed out that she might be playing nice just so that she could turn the tables on me. I let her know that the solid facts that I had about Noir were that she wouldn’t hurt Twilight or myself, though she might play pranks on me from time to time. Twilight asked if she could run the diagnostic spell that she’d asked to perform a couple days ago and I let her do as she pleased. It took her about thirty minutes before she opened her eyes and beamed at me.

“Well, I have good news and bad news.” Twilight said, her smile sticking around.

“Bad news always comes first.” I said.

“Alright, so the bad news is that Noir isn’t going to sleep with you any time soon.” Twilight said brightly.

“Damn, and here I was hoping to dip my dick in some Dark Magic tonight. What’s the good news?” I asked.

“You have my permission to sleep with her whenever you’re ready. Noir really is quite the pleasant mare, even if she is a little on the tall side.”

“Awesome. So what do you think of her, besides just being pleasant?”

“Well, I think that Noir cares about you a lot, and that she has your best interests at heart. If her broken horn is anything to go by, then she can't hurt you while she’s connected to your soul, so you’re okay there.”

“That’s some lovely news. I wanted to ask why her horn was broken, but it just seemed like it would be in poor taste to ask.”

“I’m sure you could ask her. Noir is very forthcoming with information.” Twilight patted my leg.

“Nice to know that she likes you too. Did you talk about anything important?” I asked.

“We talked about you a little bit and that seemed pretty important. Other than that, I just got to know her a little.” Twilight laid back down on my lap and levitated my journal.

“It’s nice to hear that you think I’m important. I know you love me, but it’s just nice to hear, you know?”

Twilight giggled. “Then I’ll be sure to tell you as often as I can, my handsome little Human.”

“Please do, my pretty little Pony.”

We both got a chuckle out of that. Twilight made writing the sappy bits of A Thousand Moments extremely easy since all I had to do was imagine that my main love interest was a male version of her. Come to think of it, I’d based my main character off of Roxy and the main love interest off of Twilight, and that was back from A Single Breath. Now that I took the time to analyze my writing, I realized that I’d already known that I was going to pick Twilight. At some subconscious level, Twilight had always been the one for me, and I laughed out loud at how long it had taken me to realize that. Twilight had always been my confidant and for a short time, my caretaker. I thought back to the times that Twilight had been there for me, and how she’d been willing to keep at it when she was learning how to work with me properly. Such things can be easily taken for granted if you don’t realize how difficult you really are at times. I guess I'm lucky in that respect since I know I'm a dunce most of the time.

Much to our surprise, the Sun rose. I quickly made some Pitch Black Death™ and we sat on my back porch to watch the sun rise over the Whitetail woods. It was a little chilly, but I was glad for it since it incentivized Twilight to join me in my seat. It was one of the few times she’d ever actually laid on me, and I was absolutely thrilled, so I did my best to stay calm and enjoy the moment. Twilight commented on the pounding of my heart, so I told her that she was the reason. After that, Twilight didn’t lift her head from my chest until the Sun was up.

Neither of us were terribly tired, so we just stayed up instead of trying to catch some paltry amount of sleep.. We would have gone for a couple rounds on the billiards table, but we didn’t know if it would wake Spike up, so Twilight cast a muffling spell and we battled it out. I took the first couple rounds because I kept it up with the distractions, but Twilight eventually learned that I lose all focus when she touches me, so she abused that pretty heavily until I started fighting fire with fire. Twilight had cost me three shots in a row, so during her next shot, I took my chance. Twilight stood ramrod straight when I palmed her bottom and her shot went way wide, causing her to foul. She gave me the most adorable glare and told me that touching erogenous zones was cheating, but I told her that it wasn’t fair because everywhere she touched felt like one of those areas to me. Twilight wasn’t hearing that mushy mess, so she took the page straight from my book and touched my bottom during my next shot, but I had been expecting it. I’d taken my shot right before Twilight struck, though that did mean she ruined my follow through. By the time we’d finally gotten through the game, we’d basically molested each other the entire time and I needed some relief that I wasn’t going to get any time soon.

Twilight apparently felt the same way because her blush took a good while to fade, but we never broached the subject of sex. It just wasn’t the right time. I did, however, try to channel my attention into making a better breakfast than Spike had made the previous day as a show of gratitude to the young man. I made sure to make his eggs nearly burned and his toast the same way, while making Twilight and myself some edible food. Spike actually woke up once I finished his food, so the three of us ate breakfast together before they took their leave from my home. I’d like to point out that they dined and dashed, but I was just happy that I’d gotten to make Twilight breakfast. Seriously, doing things for her was like crack as long as I got a smile or a kiss for it.

With Twilight gone, I felt the long night start catching up to me, so I cleaned the mess I’d made and got my arse into bed before I could crash. I laid there for awhile, thinking about nothing in particular when a letter flumed into existence from fire. I snatched it out of the air with ease and examined the seal on the letter. It didn’t seem like one I was familiar with, so I grabbed the Warbling Blade from my night stand and used it to preserve the seal, just in case I ever needed a forgery of it. The letter itself was a challenge against my honor from some prick named Prince Blueblood, though why he was challenging me, I’m not terribly sure. All the letter said that the guy was disputing my claim to my Barony, though why he was doing it wasn’t written, so I sent the letter to Celestia along with a note asking what the Hell I was supposed to do about it. Celestia found some time to write me back and told me that Prince Blueblood was her nephew the same way Cadance was, and that I could outright deny the challenge since she’d taken them out of the public eye some years ago. I told her that I planned on accepting it, but that I needed to know some details.

Basically, a duel in Equestria works how you think it would. Someone makes a challenge, and the other guy gets to pick what the contest is going to be. My first thought was a knife fight with our wrists tied together since it was my favourite way to battle, but Celestia told me that she would have Luna spank me if I killed Blueblood, so that was a no go. I suggested a game of pool as a way to settle it and Celestia told me to quit being an idiot, so I asked just what exactly she thought I should do if none of my ideas were working for her. She suggested the knife fight, but with freedom of movement, and I agreed because I was pretty sure that it was the best I was going to get from her. Celestia told me that she would set up the challenge in Canterlot in three days time, so I needed to brush up on my skills. I told sleep to go fuck itself and grabbed Nacht from my mantle on my way downstairs. Without an opponent, I was relegated to practicing a few lunges and movement, but I kept at it since moving was the basis of not getting fucked up in a fight when you’re my size. After working up a sweat doing that, I hit the showers and did some meditating.

Noir met me in my old hangout, playing more Borderlands until she found a good place to pause. When she did, she rose and we found ourselves in the courtyard of the old castle and she changed her outfit back into the sportswear that she’d had on for our basketball game. I had a funny feeling that I knew where this was going, so I imagined a knife that would leave paint wherever it struck and found it in my hand. I created another and floated it over to Noir, and without another word, we both dropped into different crouches and rushed each other. Noir’s reach was far longer than mine, but frankly, she was just too long to have much of a chance against me. Ponies aren’t known for being able to break ankles in a fight, so I busted out a little extra speed and hit Noir three times in one pass. She managed to land a glancing blow on my leg, but I was currently behind her, painting her wings and working my way around her. Noir was stuck in some form of purgatory since I just kept getting faster and faster, practically running circles around her, and by the time I was out of steam, Noir was mostly covered in red paint. I had a few splotches of blue paint on me from the occasional well timed swing, but I could count them on one hand, so I wasn’t terribly upset with the results. We thought away the paint and Noir gave me a pouty look unbefitting of a woman her age.

“You cheated. Damn you Humans and your blasted toes!” Noir hissed

“Oi! Don’t blame me just because you didn’t have the evolutionary foresight to have feet. Besides, you’re faster than I am in a straight up race.” I reasoned.

Noir pouted some more. “It is not fair. These hooves offer no grip for quick maneuvers.”

“Right. And our little basketball game was nothing but slow motion.” I rolled my eyes.

“That was different.” She protested.

“If you say so. Alicorn Macintosh.” I gave her a cheeky grin

“There is a reason that there are only female Alicorn,” I raised a brow, “and it is because males simply do not know when to be silent."

“Are you sure it isn’t because the female Alicorns are spiteful and killed them off? That seems equally likely to me.”

“First you gloat, now you accuse. I have half a mind to challenge you to a battle with swords, if anything than to humble you.” Noir stated drily.

“What’s the fun in that? Why don’t we just have angry make up sex and call it there?” I asked, grinning deviously.

“Because you heard your lover earlier. I am not sleeping with you any time soon.”

“Can we put a condom on your horn and shove it up my arse?” I asked quickly.

“... Why are you able to say things like that without thinking about it?” Noir asked cautiously.

“It’s the power of removing my filter, love. You know the things I’m tempted to say, but never do.”

“I will not put my horn anywhere near your posterior, so do not worry about me taking up that offer.” Noir assured me.

“Thank you, I knew you’d get that I wasn’t being serious, but you never know sometimes.” She nodded. “So what do you make of this whole challenge thing? Did I make the right choice in accepting?”

“I would never suggest that you back down from a challenge. How else are you to know your strength other than to challenge and to be challenged in turn?” Noir sighed dreamily. “I remember the days when I would accept all comers and smite them readily. None other than my sister could best me in battle during my prime, and even then she lost as often as I did.”

“Alright Miss Warbound, calm down. Do you have any suggestions for me? I mean, I know I’m going to carve this fucker up like a Christmas goose, but is there anything I should watch out for?” I asked.

“Few people of Equestria know what Dark Magic feels like, so if Blueblood uses magic against you, feel free to give him the Dark Glare to make him cease his faggotry.”

“Are we seriously calling it the Dark Glare? That’s cheesy as fuck.” I protested.

“And you would prefer giving someone the Black Eye?” Noir huffed.

“More like a Black Eye, but you get the drift. Come on, that’s pretty clever if I do say so myself.” I grinned.

“...It is not bad, I’ll give you that. Give Blueblood a Black Eye, and he will fall like a sack of tubers.” Noir nodded.

“Does that include carrots and parsnips? I don’t think I’ve seen a parsnip while I’ve been here.” I commented.

Noir gave me a look. “Why do you care so much about a parsnip? You never liked them, Maxwell would only eat them when he was in a mood, and the only fun thing you ever did with one was turn it into a bowl.”

I imagined a bath tub and filled it with weed because I could. “Here, now you have something to play with.”

“All I did was mention a bowl.” Noir sighed.

“You should know how my mind works by now. I’m a little scatterbrained up here, and it shows when I can create what I’m thinking about.

“It is interesting to see what you come up with, I will admit, but I find mental inhibitors to be- No. Not just no, but as you would say, Hell no.”

My old bong, Sinbad, was in my hands and the most brilliant smile I could bear was on my face. “Give him a try, open your heart to my son, Noir. He will love you as I do.”

“If you drop this topic, I will guide your hands the next time you draw so that you can give a glass blower an accurate schematic for a recreation of Sinbad.”

I made a noise of some kind that I probably couldn’t replicate. “You’d really do that for me?”

Noir glanced at Sinbad uneasily. “If it gets me out of this: happily.”

I tossed Sinbad back into the ether and charged Noir for a hug. She’d been expecting it, so she held her ground and reciprocated it. “Why having another way to consume marijuana makes you so happy, I will never fully understand, though I am glad that it does.”

I buried my face in her chest because Noir is fucking tall and that’s about all I could reach. “Thank you!” I said into her jiggly bits.

She patted my head and pushed me away. “You are welcome. I would like you to keep in mind, however, that you can induce an altered frame of mind while here, but you must keep a failsafe. If you are too intoxicated, you will be stuck like that until you find your failsafe.”

“So keep a Life Alert necklace on while I’m tripping, if I ever decide to while I’m in here. Gotcha. If I come in and you’re super fucked, what should I look for?” I asked.

“I will rarely induce more than a mild buzz from the various wines you have consumed. The way you taste them is odd to my palate.”

“I’m sure it is since I’m a completely different species and all. Have you tried my favourite yet?” I inquired.

Noir thought up a bottle and a couple of glasses. “I cannot get a feeling on whether or not you wish to partake.”

“Well, if it’s in my mind…”

She nodded and poured both glasses. With a quick toast to the Dark Arts and being lonely together, we sipped the wine and my stomach started hurting. Noir took my glass from me and drained both at the same time like a suburban mother of three, but unlike said mother, she didn’t chase it with a Xanax.

Noir hit me. “Why are you likening me to a stereotype?”

“Oi! I didn’t actually say anything, so why are you hitting me for my thoughts?” I asked irritably. “It’s not like I have any control over that. I just drew the comparison.”

Noir blushed. “Because it simultaneously implies that I have an issue with consumption of mind altering substances and that I am a ‘cougar’.”

“I’m sure you’re not an alcoholic,” I said sarcastically, “but you are technically a cougar if you have any intention of sleeping with me. I mean, aren’t you older than Celestia? She was a cradle robber already, but you’re not even waiting for the pregnancy to be over! You’re fucking the sperm!” I cackled.

Noir crossed her arms and glared at me. She didn’t have to close her eyes to change the scene this time around, and we ended up in my old Headmaster’s office. I’d seen the room many times in my life for fighting during school hours, but I’d only been there for stealing once, and even then they hadn’t been able to pin it on me. Of course, I’d stolen a lot of crap during my school days, but I’d never gotten caught for any of it. Call it my natural creativity when it comes to hiding stolen property.

Noir donned a smart, ash grey pantsuit, tied her ever flowing hair into a bun because fuck physics and sat down behind the Headmaster’s desk. Unfortunately, this was from primary school, so the seat she had me sit in was miniscule. I had been tempted to conjure up a throne just to fuck with her, but I decided to let her have her fun.

“Maximus, do you know why I have called you here?” Noir asked critically.

“N-No Headmaster, I-I don’t.” I mocked.

She picked up a meter stick and rapped my knuckle from across her desk. “I will not tolerate your nonsense. You called a woman old to her face, made the most disturbing analogy, and compared her to another woman, all in a few sentences. How do you expect to grow into a productive member of society if you can’t respect women?”

“Gee, teach, I’m awful sorry about my insolence, I’ll try to keep it down to sexual harassment.” I drawled.

Noir intensified her glare. “That’s even worse.”

“Just so we’re clear, if I said that your outfit fulfilled one of my fetishes, would that be sexual harassment?” I asked cheekily.

She went to swat my knuckle again and I moved my hand. “That’s it! You are receiving detention for the rest of this week!”

”If I promise to give you the best dick of your life, will you let me off the hook?” I grinned.

She threw a stack of sticky notes at me and I lost my shit. Noir joined me shortly after and threw the fake glasses that she’d been wearing at me too. Once we finished being fools, I lead Noir around the old school and tried to give her a decent tour of it, but she corrected me more often than I got a teacher’s room right. It was still pretty cool to see some of my memories again, but it wasn’t necessarily all good. I missed my old home, but I was glad that my new one was satisfactory in more ways than England had been anyways. Noir took me by the school’s old library to cheer me up, and seeing that my mind had actually been paying attention to the titles of these old things was remarkable. There was a shelf full of books that I could read, but there were stacks of those that I’d never taken the time to look at, and when I picked from those stacks, the covers were the same color as the spine and had the title splayed across the top in the same font. Opening those books presented blank pages, so throwing them around trying to break windows was pretty fun. Noir teleported us out of there before I could fuck around anymore.

I took her to go get some ice cream at my favorite little shop. Noir told me that I could play back a memory if I didn’t want to go in there and bother with it myself, and I asked her just how the shit I was supposed to do that. Noir said to just close my eyes and think real hard, so I did, and much to my surprise, it fucking worked. I saw the employees inside whose names I’d never bothered to learn milling about just as I’d seen once upon a time and got my ice cream. It was odd since I didn’t remember the conversation I’d had with the girl working the counter, but she went through the motions and laughed at jokes I hadn’t told. I was surprised to find that I’d gotten her number on the back of the receipt, but I never remembered whether or not I called her. Noir told me that I never did since that was around the time I’d started seeing Maggie.

We talked about something else after that.

It’s not that things ended particularly badly with Maggie, it’s just that I’d lost her due to my lifestyle and inability to hold down a real job. She’d been my first real love and I’d tried to make things work, but it just wasn’t in the cards for us. I later learned that she’d gotten addicted to heroin and sought her out to see if I could get her off of the junk, and I did. We spent a few more months together before she relapsed and fell off of the face of the planet. I spent months looking for her and even hired a P.I. to help me find her, but to no avail. A few months before coming to Equestria, my search ended and I moved on with my life, but I still remembered the good times with her. Noir suggested that I try saying goodbye to her too, but I thought that it was unnecessary since I had Twilight to fill my heart now.

Before I left, I asked Noir why there were time limits on our time together and she told me that time just wasn’t the same in my mind. There wasn’t much more to go on after that, but Noir told me that I wouldn’t have to worry about it too hard. I parted with Noir and wondered what I should do with the rest of my day. It was only about six, which meant the Sun was on its way down. The days would start to get longer soon, but until then, I was still relegated to trying to make the most of the lengthening days. Hopefully the next day would be as warm as the weather mares had predicted. It was supposed to be warm enough to wear a dress if Rarity’s news was trustworthy, so I went out back and found the massive pile of mostly rotten wood that I’d constructed so many months ago. If the weather held, I would go into the forest with Twilight the next day and start dragging out dead trees so we could have some fuel for the fire. The pile was still damp at its core, so I would probably have to have Twilight start the fire unless I figured out some way to do it myself.

I wondered if I could just find a larger cardboard box and convert it into a tinder box when I realized that Twilight wasn’t the only one with a well of magic. I drew the Warbling Blade from its sheath and concentrated my Dark Magic into it. It turned a few shades darker since I hadn’t given the magic any direction so far. I wondered if there was a way to heat it up, so I closed my eyes and focused on imagery of fire, but all I could feel was the cool breeze that had persisted all day. It seemed to pick up slightly, but other than that, I didn’t notice any changes, so I opened my eyes and looked at the blade. It had changed form while my eyes were closed and I hadn’t even felt it It looked normal except for the fact that the air around the blade was wavering and that the blade itself was now serrated. I never did like serrated blades.

After finding a piece of wood nearby, I tried cutting it with the Warbling Blade and found that it sheared through the wood like a hot knife through butter, which wasn’t the desired effect. I tried stabbing the wood and willing it to ignite, but that didn’t work either, so I tried imagining that the blade itself was on fire. A whole lot of nothing happened, so I gave up and went to go see if I could cut down a dead tree in the Whitetail Woods. I didn’t have to go far to find one, and once I did, I used the serrated blade to cut gouges out of one side until the tree seemed like it was ready to fall. One good whack with my psychic tentacle, and it fell like so many blades of grass, except this one was much tougher and taller. It was too heavy for me to drag, even with my telekinesis, so I took a few good swing at it with a axe shape to the tentacle. A few whacks made good progress, but It was easier to just slice away at it with the Warbling Blade, so I tried making it longer using some good ol’ fashioned brainpower. I got an extra couple of centimeters out of it, so I tried again, but it wasn’t going to get any longer. I cut chunks out of the fallen timber until I could break through it with my telekinesis which sent splinters flying everywhere. It was cool in a pointless destruction sort of way. With my tree considerably lightened, I dragged the halves out of the forest one at a time and broke them down further around the bonfire until I had a massive stack of wood. I’d had to light a smaller pile to give me something to see by and that hadn’t been terribly difficult, so I went back inside, cleaned up, and wrote notes out to my friends and people that I liked that I was going to have a bonfire tomorrow. Twilight wrote back and told me that she and Spike were definitely coming, and that Pinkie and Rainbow said that they were going to try.

Lyra and Rarity both sent back notes telling me that they’d be there, so I already had a few people coming. Thankfully, I kept a massive store of marshmallows because I think they go well with coffee and cocoa, both of which I drink constantly during the cold months. I needed something else that could be roasted, so I asked Twilight what other kinds of things could be eaten at a bonfire. She sent me back a list of various fruits, so I went into town and picked out some vegetables because I’m difficult like that sometimes. There were a few out of season bell peppers and some jalapenos that Carrot Top, one of the local farmers, grew in her greenhouse because she was fond of them. They rarely sold to anyone other than me, so she usually let me have whatever I wanted from her personal stores at a good price. Today was the same thing, so I asked her if there was anything else that I should get for roasting and she told me that Ponies were fond of roasted apples, so I took my bushel of bells and went to go have a chat with the Apple family.

I met Apple Bloom at the entrance of her home and she gave me a hug. We’d grown closer ever since she’d started seeing Spike on the regular. “Hey Max!”

“Evening, Bloom. How’ve you been?” I asked politely.

“Well, Spike showed me and Sweetie how to make crowns of of tree branches, so that was pretty cool. And I even got to walk around with him alone for a while so that was even better!” She beamed happily.

I patted her head because I do that. “I’m glad to hear that things are working out well for the three of you. Have you done anything special lately?”

“Yeah! Me, Spike, Scootaloo, and Sweetie all teamed up to make lunch yesterday. Sweetie and Scoots burned their… Whatever it was that they were trying to make, so Spike looked at their recipes and made ‘em right!” Apple Bloom smiled proudly.

“Yeah, the guy is a great cook. It’s a shame you didn’t have him make you something for Heart’s and Hooves Day.” I remarked.

Apple Bloom gave me a look. “Mares are supposed to do somethin’ nice for their stallions on Hearts and Hooves Day, Max. Not the other way around.”

“I did something nice for my mares on Hearts and Hooves Day, and I only heard them complain until I made them see my side of the story.”

“You got a way of doin’ that, even when ponies are mad at you.” Apple Bloom commented.

“True. Do you think people would be mad if I just told you how to get your Cutie Marks?”

Apple Bloom opened her mouth to say something and I got smacked in the back of the head. “Don’t pay him no mind, Apple Bloom, Max is full of hot air and not much else.” Applejack chided.

“I wanna hear what he has to say! If Max knows how to get my Cutie Mark, why wouldn’t I listen?” Apple Bloom protested.

“Yeah, Applejack. Why wouldn’t she listen?” I parroted sourly.

Applejack game me a womanly look that promised words in private. “Because findin’ your special talent ain’t somethin’ that a pony can just tell you how to do. You gotta find it for yourself, sugarcube.” That’s a load of bullshit.

“Right.” Apple Bloom and I chorused.

Applejack blushed and cleared her throat. “So Max, what brings you over? Your party ain’t until tomorrow, right?”

“It is not, but I need some apples so I can jam a stick into them and roast away.” I said bluntly.

“Well, let’s get a move on then. You can pick some or just buck a tree. Bring whatever you grab back here and we’ll haggle out a price.”

I flipped her a twenty bit coin. “A bit an apple sound fair to you?”

“They’re usually two per. Got anything smaller on you?” Applejack asked.

“Consider it a tip for the pleasure of picking my own apples. I’m sure you understand.” I said sarcastically.

“Keep it up buddy, and I’ll buck you back to Hearth’s Warming Day.” Applejack threatened playfully.

“That actually doesn’t sound all that bad. Getting kicked back to the day where people are giving me presents sounds like a bit of fun actually.”

Applejack swatted my shoulder “I can make it happen anytime sugarcube, just give me the word.”

“How about… Now!” I gave her a cheeky grin.

Applejack and her sister both rolled their eyes. “Somepony’s havin’ a good day. What happened to you?” Applejack asked.

“Fell for Twilight face first. It’s been a real mood booster, honestly.” I grinned.

“So you and Twilight are officially only seein’ each other now?” Apple Bloom inquired.

“That’s the gist of it. She gave me permission to see Rarity and Fluttershy on the side when they ask, but Twilight’s the only one I need.”

Applejack wrapped me hug in a bone crushing hug and waved me about in the air for a little bit. “I’m so glad to hear that! I knew you and Twilight had somethin’ different, but I didn’t want to lose any bits on the pool.” She put me down.

“Pool?” I wheezed. “Were you betting on who I’d end up with?”

“Well…” Applejack looked away. “Ya really weren’t supposed to know about that.”

“I don’t really care. It’s not like it directly affected how Twilight and I got together.” I shrugged it off and stretched. My bones felt awfully compressed.

Applejack nodded. “And Twilight gets the pool anyways. Darn it, I shouldn’t 'a been so cheap!”

I patted her shoulder. “You win some, you lose some. You lose everything you don’t try for, however.”

“Shut up and go get your darn apples.” Applejack muttered.

“Do you mind if I go with him, sis? If I’m with Max, everythin’ should be okay!” Apple Bloom asked.

“That’s more up to him than it is to me.” Applejack said.

“I don’t mind. I’ll watch out for her, AJ.” I promised.

“Good, cause if you don’t, I’m gonna skin ya alive.” She warned.

“Fucking Christ woman, I thought Ponies were supposed to be nice!” I rubbed my chest.

“Only when it don’t involve family, bub. Bring her back safe.” Applejack patted my shoulder and went inside.

“Will do, AJ.” I called after her. Apple Bloom beamed and joined me as I walked through the orchard.

We chatted for a little while, but most of the things she had on her mind involved either Spike or Sweetie Belle, and I wasn’t sure who she talked about more after a certain point. It was pretty obvious to me that she’d grown to like the idea of sharing Spike with Sweetie Belle, probably to the point where if her feelings persisted through her adolescence, I was certain that she would ask both of them to marry her. It was an adorable little thought that I reminded myself to share with Twilight the next time I saw her. As despicable as I find gossip, I’m truly bored in Ponyville. Whenever something happens, it’s the girls doing something halfway retarded like casting a Want-It-Need-It spell on a doll, dressing up like some masked heroine to take one of their own friends down a peg, or competing for business with some out of towners who straight up stole Applejack’s apples. They’re always doing some fucktarded shit that I stay in my house and avoid, but nothing that doesn’t involve making me look bad for hanging out with them ever happens. It’s not like I care about my image that much, but seriously, the girls are all fully grown adults pulling half witted shit all the time.

All bitching aside, they’re cool when they’re not retarded.

As it was, Twilight’s doll still hadn’t shown up and she missed it terribly, so I was probably going to have to kick ass and get it one of these days unless some kid had it. I would happily steal it back since it’s stolen property in the first place, but Twilight had told me that she would avoid me for a week if I did that. Avoidance is a powerful punishment since Twilight can fucking teleport, which is completely unfair, as I have pointed out every time she threatened to do so. My words were often met with dull looks and a raised brow, which was also an unfair response. Twilight quickly learned that if she could get her point across with looks and gestures, I couldn’t twist her words. It didn’t help at all that she’d been picking up more obvious tells to let me know that she’s mad, and it’s very difficult for me to ignore. It’s a bullshit hack and she knows it, so I torture her as much as I possibly can within reason.

Nothing had ever come of the Flim-Flam fucks and Rainbow Dash stopped showboating so hard. She still gets a little out there with her stunts, but I’ve been told on numerous occasions that Rainbow always does that, no matter what anyone tells her, so it’s best to just let her do whatever she wants away from town. I’ve seen Rainbow botch landings, clip trees, and just straight up crash on numerous occasions, though I only remember her ever actually being hurt like, once. Twilight gave her some books to read and she pretended not to like them for awhile, but it was painfully obvious that Rainbow liked an ‘egghead thing’. If it was any more childish, I would have spanked her over it

While I was walking with Apple Bloom, I had so much time to completely tune her out with my thoughts that I didn’t realize that she’d suddenly stopped being next to me. I whirled around and looked for her, but I couldn’t see her, even under the plentiful light of the Moon. I called out for her since I didn’t see her and heard a reply to my left, so I headed in that direction, though it had been awfully faint. I kept calling out and I heard another reply that sounded like Apple Bloom, so I kept heading in the general direction of the voice until I found the source. As it turned out, it really was Apple Bloom, though I’d had no idea how she’d gotten so far away from me. After a quick scolding about ditching people when it’s dark out, Apple Bloom took me to a part of the orchard that had some apples in season. I just picked my apples since whacking trees is stupid unless you’re trying to cut them down, and once I had my twenty, I rather wished that I’d brought a basket with me. It was a little chilly, so I’d brought a jacket with me, so I used that to help carry my supply.

After dropping Apple Bloom off at her house, I skirted around town, heading toward my house through the country road that connected Fluttershy’s to Applejack’s. I would’ve went through town, but I just wasn’t feeling it, hence the indirect route home. Nothing happened on the walk home, other than the fact that I saw a couple of ducks at a stand on the side of the road. It seemed to have had lemonade at some point, but the sign on top of the stand had been crossed out in favor of grapes. I didn’t think there were any vineyards around this part of Equestria, so that was a little odd.

The ducks quacked at me as I passed, so I imagined that they were looking for some trouble. I was tempted to duck a fuck up, but Fluttershy would choke me to death and beyond if she found out that I was randomly picking fights with defenseless animals, so I kept the peace and ignored the meaningless quacks coming from the water fowl in favor of getting home so that I could start putting shit together for the party.

I arrived at my house and put my apples on some empty counter space since I had plenty of it and wondered if some roast duck would brighten up the party. Those ducks had made me a little hungry, but not for anything I had in the pantry, so I went upstairs and found my secret stash of dried meat that I never told Lupa about. I only took a piece out since it was the last of my protein, and I wouldn’t have a chance to get more until I went hunting again. I made a mental note to do that again sometime soon and chewed on the tough fibers of my jerky. The taste wasn’t amazing, but it was meat, so it was better than pretty much anything else I could have consumed.

I visited with Noir before heading off to bed, though all we did was play some board games. Noir is a pleasant person to pass time with, oddly enough, but I can’t help but shake the feeling that she’s too good to be true. I mean, instead of some Dark Magic bullshit that will kill me slowly, I got something that wants to keep me alive and happy for as long as it can, which is pretty weird considering that Nightmare Moon is supposed to be one of the most evil things around. Of course I was worried about Noir eroding my emotions until I was a husk, but if she was truly focused on trying to keep me happy, then she would tell me when I needed to go talk to Luna about having the effects reversed

Basically, I either had nothing to worry about, or everything to worry about.

I lie awake in bed at night, thinking about my life. I didn’t really want to be different, though I was contemplating whether or not my current happiness was a beautiful lie or a very lovely truth. Doubts spun around in my mind and I shot them down as best I could, but there were just too many of them to regain the peace of mind I’d had earlier. I was feeling pretty uncertain about my future, so I sent Twilight a quick little note, affirming my love for her and wishing her a good night. I didn’t even need a reply to feel better: I just liked letting Twilight know that she was on my mind. Love is weird.

Despite my doubts, there wasn’t any room for one pertaining to Twilight. My gut, heart, and mind all told me that Twilight felt the same way about me as I did with her, so I trusted myself enough to trust her, if that makes any sense. Despite the worries I had about nearly everyone else in my life, there were none that I had about Twilight, though I did worry about her getting hurt while I wasn’t around, but that wasn’t the same. While I was thinking about her, Twilight sent me a note back along with a picture that had been taken earlier of her and Spike, so I looked at it for awhile before putting it on my nightstand. I’d have to see if Pinkie wanted to help me put together a scrapbook or something sometime since I had so many pictures without a home. I put the thought in the back of my mind and tried to get to sleep.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I woke up at seven, but didn’t feel like doing anything, so I laid back down and did a whole lot of nothing until I remembered that Noir had told me that I could draw up some schematics for a replica of Sinbad. That was a pretty important thing to me, so I grabbed some paper and got started in my study. I somehow knew what I was supposed to draw and how to do it, it was just that getting it down on paper was fucking brutal due to my general lack of ability. I’d never been able to draw worth a damn, and it didn’t make much of a difference if I could perfectly remember every detail that I’d ever known about Sinbad if I couldn’t get it onto paper. It took me twenty seven and a half tries, but I eventually managed to get a decent schematic of a bong on paper. I’d given up on the intricacies of my son after twenty attempts and swore that I would find a way to bring him into this world one day. I also drew some pictures of a stem and a bowl for said stem at various angles, though I wasn’t too sure about the measurements. Beyond a rough idea that Noir confirmed as somewhat accurate, I didn’t have much for whatever poor sucker I paid to make it to go on, if I could even find such a fellow. He didn’t necessarily have to be a sucker so much as someone willing to do some trial and error.

At ten, I had some visitors in the form of some stallions I’d never met. They told me that they’d been commissioned by Celestia to remodel my bathtub and I nearly blew my load right then and there. I asked the gentlemen if Celestia had already paid them and when they said yes, I offered to pay them double if they would give her money back. The lead stallion was rather hesitant to accept my offer, but I pulled out a special, fake hundred bit coin and offered to flip him for it. I asked to call it since I was the most invested. I called heads, and what do you know? The foreman told me to flip again and I called heads once more since I like to get it from time to time. The result was the same and he told his three compatriots that they were going for drinks after they finished at my place. If these guys hadn’t been sent by Celestia, I probably would have warned them that I would know if they didn’t refund her, but since they had, I figured that they were probably decent dudes. I offered them some cocoa, apple juice, and coffee while they worked and I’m pretty sure one of the guys thought I was trying to get gangbanged or something. I was just trying to be nice to some people doing great work in the world, so I was a little offended at the fellow’s assumptions. That, and I’m far too classy for a gangbang of any kind; I’m more of a small orgy kinda guy.

Jokes aside, between their magic and willingness to tear my bathroom apart, they got done by the time I came back from doing some better shopping. There was a little more variety in the morning, but it was still the tail end of winter in a small town. If there wasn’t anything being grown, then there just wasn’t that much to get. I was lucky that Carrot Top remembered to get some more bell peppers from her garden for me, which meant that I was going to be making stuffed peppers. I’d gone shopping for some cheese to make stuffed peppers and some tomatoes to make a half decent salsa. Luckily, the necessary ingredients had kind of just been placed in my pantry over time from multiple shopping trips and needs for specific recipes. While the dudes upstairs were working, I asked Pinkie to come over while I was in town and help me prepare for my party, if she had the time and the inclination . Much to my pleasure, she agreed as long as she could use my kitchen to make the baked goods she’d planned on bringing anyway. It was a win-win in my book, so Pinkie gathered her crap and met me at my house an hour later.

Somehow, Pinkie knew how to make tortilla chips with a cast iron skillet, so I made some salsa and we both agreed that it could be a little hotter. I sacrificed half of my jalapenos so my salsa would have a decent kick to it and Pinkie whipped up an adequate amount of rather tasty flour tortilla chips. I thanked one of the two cultured thirds of North America for its gift to humanity and Ponykind with much aplomb, snacking on said gift while helping Pinkie get her stuff together. She made chocolate chip cookies that were only baked enough to hold their shape, cupcakes with icing inside, a cake that she iced a picture of Twilight and myself onto with a surprising amount of skill, and two pineapple upside-down cakes. I have no idea how Pinkie knew that I loved them, but she did and I devoured mine like I was actually hungry or something. There’s always room for more cake, dammit.

The party was set to start at seven, and Pinkie and I had finished at six. For some reason that I really don’t give a damn about, Twilight showed up early and helped us clean the kitchen so that I wouldn’t have to be embarrassed about keeping a dirty house. I rewarded her efforts with plenty of affection, and I gave Pinkie one of my better jazz records for helping me fuel the party. It was a shared interest of ours and I always kept an eye out for the good stuff, like Jot Colt-Rain, or Dewey Strongarm. The parallel names killed me, but their music was almost as good as the original's, so I dealt with it. I’d actually given Pinkie one of Octavia’s albums, though I didn’t give her the one she had signed for me. That one was probably her best work so far, and granted that there were only two albums, Octavia’s music just held something different for me. Pinkie stored the record in her hair (somehow) and bounced along outside to give Twilight and I some time to get everything set up inside. I had some folding tables in my shed, so I had Twilight and Pinkie help me set those up on the porch so we could have the food outside. It was a little annoying that about three quarters of the outdoor space was now closed in, but it would probably be nice for those languid summer days.

Pinkie fucked off because she’s not allowed to set things out anymore after the incident with Fluttershy’s cupcakes. That catastrophe ended with everyone in the room having a cupcake stuck squarely onto their nose, and I had been one of those people. The cupcake was good, but no one had offered to lick the frosting off of my face, so I considered it a net negative.

Twilight organized the baked goods by sugar content, and I waited patiently for her to quit being OCD so I could have her light the fire. She grabbed one to go and I had to fix the positioning of the cupcakes because they were uneven, but after that, we were off. Twilight did a little fire spell in the middle to get things started, and Pinkie blew on the flame to get it started. It was completely unnecessary since all of the wood had died long ago and had been sitting out to dry for some time now, but it looked kinda cute, so I didn’t bother her.

We cheated to get my out door furniture around the fire, but by that time, people had started showing up and I had to greet them, so wasting time walking each thing out a door and down some steps sounded like some bullshit I wasn’t dealing with. The Apple family showed up first, and Applejack was mad at me for letting Apple Bloom wander off the night before. I’d dodged her fury up until now, but at Apple Bloom’s insistence that it had been her fault, Applejack let me off the hook. I would have taken the hit for Apple Bloom’s sake, but Applejack and Macintosh don’t like to change targets too often, so their little sister was stuck with her choice, much her her displeasure. I gave her a cupcake for being a good kid and went off to talk to Rarity and Sweetie Belle. Spike had spent some of the day with them, which explained why he hadn't shown up with Twilight. Scootaloo showed up a few minutes later with Rainbow Dash, so I took her to the side and spoke with her about some things that I’d been curious about. None of those things were terribly important, just how she felt about the budding romance between her friends and Spike. She’d told me that she’d seen it coming from a mile away and had started going it alone more often. It saddened me to see that she was being excluded from the group more and more, so while there was a lull in the arrival of guests, I had a word with Spike and asked him to think of ways to keep Scootaloo in the scootaloop.

I’m guessing Twilight just has a sixth sense for when I’m up to my machinations because she came to find me right after I’d finished having my word with Spike. She just wanted a kiss apparently, so I happily gave her one before she told me that Lyra and a woman named Bon-Bon had arrived. I greeted them and sent them off to go mingle with the others, but before I could get properly introduced to Lyra’s girlfriend, Fluttershy showed up with two mares with familiar color schemes. Celestia and Luna had come in disguise, so I assumed that they were in their alter egos, Soleil and Moonlight. Neither were terribly creative, but the Ponies were dim enough to fall for it, so I introduced them to the party.

With most of the people I’d invited present, the party started. I allowed Pinkie to DJ since she was adamant about doing so and went around having a word with everyone. Macintosh and Applejack asked if they could spike the punch and I told them to go for it as long as they could keep the kids away from it. I was assured by the eldest Apple sibling that the kids would pick something else once they tasted the kick, and if they didn’t, at least it would be fun to watch. I told them to make it nice and strong, which was received with devious smiles. I thought that I might actually have a sip or two since I knew I was safe around my friends, but the more I thought about it, the less it appealed to me, so I went inside and located the half cigar that Twilight and I had yet to smoke, struck a match, and went to go find Twilight.

She came to me once she smelled the smoke and we passed the pungent herb back and forth for a little while. I was feeling awfully pleasant by the end of it and stood with Twilight, watching the fire blaze on as we got blazed. We walked around and chatted with people because I was the host and I was probably supposed to, but then we had some new arrivals. I’d been hoping that Fleur and Fancy would be able to show up despite the short notice, but I was quite glad that they had. I’d actually invited them to stay the night since it would have made no sense for them to head back right after coming, so I assumed that they’d already put their bags inside. I pardoned Twilight and myself from a conversation about who wore the pants in the relationship to go greet the older couple, though there was no need for introductions.

“Fancy! Fleur!” Twilight called out once she saw them. She rushed over to give Fancy a hug. “It’s so good to see you two!”

I followed her at a much more sedate pace. “Hullo Fancy, Fleur. I’m glad you could make it.”

Twilight let Fancy go and moved onto Fleur who said, “Well, we had a gap in our schedule and figured that we could meet you at your home for once.”

I shook hands with Fancy before he pulled me into a hug. “It’s good to see you again, old chap. I must say, I’ve missed having your perspective on the happenings of Canterlot.”

I reciprocated his man-hug and said, “I’ve been meaning to get back, but the last time I went I was a wreck and no one wants to see that.”

Twilight rejoined me. “It was pretty rough, but Max made it through, just like he always does!” She beamed and kissed my cheek.

I may have blushed a bit. “Well, I had some help in that regard.”

Fancy and Fleur exchanged a look. Fleur cleared her throat and asked, “So Max. Where is Rarity? I thought you two were getting along quite nicely.”

I looked around, but Twilight found her first. “Rarity’s over there, but she knows better.” Twilight said simply.

Fleur blinked. “Twilight, I beg your pardon?”

Fancy chuckled and I grinned. “Well, it just wouldn’t do for Max to have another mare hanging from his arm.” Twilight blushed and smiled.

Fleur’s eyes widened for a brief moment before a bright smile broke out on her face. “Don’t tell me that you’ve claimed Max as your own!”

Twilight blushed harder and laced her arm through mine. “Well, maybe just a little…”

“Don’t let her fool you, she’s already bossing me around.” I said blandly.

Fancy chuckled some more. “That is the way these things tend to happen. If you ever need some advice on how to get out of the doghouse, I’m only a letter away.”

Fleur swatted him. “You say that like I’m some sort of evil mare.”

“I dunno, they say the most beautiful people do the most horrendous things.” I jested. Twilight pinched my rib meat and I flinched.

Fancy sighed. “Don’t they just abuse you so until you can barely put a hoof in front of the other? I swear, mares can be the cruelest beings.”

I nodded sagaciously. “They most certainly are. Twilight even slapped me for trying to be romantic once.”

Fleur rolled her eyes. “I’m sure you weren’t at fault in the slightest.”

Twilight huffed. “He was! If he’s talking about what I think he’s talking about, then he snuck up behind me in my lab and picked me up while I was experimenting!”

Fleur made a disapproving noise. “That sounds awfully dangerous, Max.”

Fancy nudged her. “I’m quite sure that Max would have waited until Twilight was no longer handling dangerous chemicals.”

I nodded. “I most certainly did. I waited fifteen minutes for this woman to have empty hands and my patience was rewarded with a slap that echoed through my soul.”

Twilight squeezed my hand. “I apologized!”

Fancy shook his head. “The damage is already done, my dear. Once you strike your beloved, they will never forget it, no many how many times you beg their forgiveness. Such is the way of love.”

Fleur nodded. “I agree. I still remember the time Fancy slapped me when he was coming home from a mission. I’d tried to sneak up and give him some affection, but when he turned around, all I could see was an animal in those eyes.” She said fearfully. If you get any faker, you’ll get arrested for impersonating yourself.

Twilight went to her and offered some unneeded support. “I’m so sorry Fleur! Stallions can do the cruelest things, can’t they? I remember there was one time that Max grabbed me by my throat and pinned me up against the wall in a rage, and I know what you mean when you say you saw an animal.”

Fancy and I traded a look. “So what did she do?” He asked.

“She slapped me because I was drunk.” I shrugged. “I’ve apologized countless times for it, and I don’t drink anymore, so I think I’ve earned a little forgetting.”

“Oh, was this here recently?” Fancy asked, worried.

“Oh no, this was some months ago. I just recently quit drinking because it was turning me into something I wasn’t terribly fond of. Good riddance to bad rubbish.” I crossed my arms.

“Indeed.” Fleur chimed. “However, I’m sure we don’t need to say that these occurrences have been forgiven already, if not forgotten, yes?”

There was a chorus of agreement and we ended the conversation there for the time being. I introduced Fancy and Fleur to the rest of the party, though I couldn’t help but notice that they were odd ducks in the group. They eventually joined ‘Soleil’ and ‘Moonlight’ along with Rarity for a conversation, so I took Twilight over to meet Lyra and Bon-Bon for a moment.

Lyra was the first to notice us approaching and said, “Hey! Over here!” She waved at me and I waved back.

“Hullo, love. Sorry we didn't get to talk much earlier, but I’ve been trying to keep everyone smiling and cheery.” I nodded to Bon-Bon and extended a hand. “It’s nice to properly meet you, Bon-Bon.”

The pale yellow mare smiled and shook my hand. “Likewise. It’s nice to meet the Baron and even nicer to be invited to one of your parties!”

Twilight chuckled. “He doesn’t throw them very often. I think the last time he planned to have a bonfire, he got lost in the Everfree a couple of days before it was supposed to happen.”

Lyra was taken aback. “Seriously? Why didn’t you ever tell me that?” She asked me.

“Because it never came up in conversation, that’s why.” I shrugged. “I got out of there alive, so it’s not like it was a big deal.”

“How long were you in that horrible place?” Bon-Bon asked in hushed tones.

“A little over a month. I spent so much time there, I eventually gave up hope of coming home.” I shrugged again. “Luckily I got over that nonsense, but at least now the Everfree is scared of me.”

Twilight let go of my hand and patted my shoulder. “He says that, but he never wants to prove it.”

“You say that like I’m going to put your life in danger by taking you into the Everfree. I might have made a name for myself, but I’m not putting you in harms way just to prove that I’m super cool.” I chided.

Lyra looked at Bon-Bon. “I’m with Twilight. I think you should back up these claims!” She grinned.

Bon-Bon gave her some serious side-eye. “...I’m with Max. There’s no way in Tartarus that I’m ever letting you go into that forest if I can help it.”

I stood next to Bon-Bon and patted her back. “I like you, you have sense.”

She gave me a smile and a one armed hug. “I can’t say the same for you since you went in there in the first place, but I respect that you’re so protective of Twilight.”

“I can totally deal with that.” I went to go stand next to Twilight. “So how long have you two been together?”

“Oh, a few years now. Every once in awhile somepony messes up and we go our separate ways for a day or two, but we always come back to each other!” Bon-Bon beamed. Is now a bad time to mention that I went down on Lyra?

“It’s usually me who messes up, but Bon-Bon always gives me another chance. So far, I haven’t made the same mistake twice!” Lyra grinned.

Twilight ‘awwed’ and I chuckled. “That’s a good way of doing things. They always say that you’ve got to work at it, and it seems like you two are willing to put in the work.” I said.

“He means that he’s happy for you girls and hopes that you keep doing well.” Twilight translated.

“They got the point! There was no need for that.” I huffed very masculinely.

Lyra raised a brow. “I just thought that you liked that we have problems every once in awhile.”

Bon-Bon nodded. “That’s what I thought too.”

“Damn Ponyville ‘mares’ and their derp.” I muttered to myself.

“What was that, dear?” Twilight asked.

“I said that I was lucky to have someone as well rounded and magnificent as you.” I lied. I mean, I honestly felt that way, but I still lied.

“That’s so sweet! So what did you really say?” Lyra asked.

“I asked if I could sniff your-” Twilight shut my mouth with magic.

“And we’re done here. We’ll talk to you again soon.” Twilight smiled and started dragging me towards ‘Soleil’ and ‘Moonlight’.

After a minute or so of having Twilight lead me around by the hand, I dug my heels into the ground and upset her balance mid-step. Twilight fell backwards, so I caught her and dipped her like we’d been dancing. It was a cute little gesture that got a few ‘aww’s and put a blush on Twilight’s face, so I reminded myself to do more cute things so Twilight knew that she was the only woman on my mind. I’d told her about every woman I’d been with, so when we came up to Celestia and Luna in their disguises, she was a little confused about them since I’d never mentioned them to her. It was awkward since Twilight was the only one out of the four of us who didn’t know who ‘Soleil’ and ‘Moonlight’ really were, and if we had been under normal circumstances, I’m sure we would have let her in on the little secret. Unfortunately, Twilight still felt rather betrayed by Celestia, so it was for the best that we keep things under wraps. Fancy eventually took me aside and asked who they were, and I gave him one good guess. He got it in one since he’d known who ‘Soleil’ was already.

The party carried on for a little while, but at one in the morning, all of the kids were ready for bed, and some of the party goers were ready to get home and into their own houses. Everyone save for Twilight, Spike, Fancy, Fleur, Soleil, and Moonlight left to go home and I bid them all goodbye. Luckily, outside parties were pretty easy to clean up when you have a fire still going hot, so I tossed any refuse that lie around onto the still roaring flames. I would have liked to stay outside and watched it until it died, but it had gotten a little chilly outside, so we moved the party indoors. I carried Spike to a bed upstairs since I was probably going to be his brother-in-law within the next decade and laid him down in the room next to the observatory. I really needed to use that thing more often since Berry goes through the trouble of cleaning it, so I made another mental note to go along with a thousand others to actually stargaze sometime with Twilight.

I’d taken everyone down into my wine cellar so they could pick out something that they wanted to try. Fancy had gone straight for my liquor… Well, it’s not so much as a cabinet as it is a wardrobe full of hard liquor. My liquor wardrobe. It just doesn't have the same ring to it. In any case, Fancy grabbed a bottle of Zap Apple Jack, and I warned him that it had magical properties and was stronger than he would think. Fancy assured me that he could handle it as long as I took a shot with him, and since the guy was like an older brother to me, I agreed. Twilight picked out her favourite plum wine, which just so happened to be from one of the vineyards that ‘Moonlight’ adored, so they agreed to share a few glasses. Fleur and ‘Soleil’ went with something white and dry that I’d never been particularly fond of, so with everyone having their pick of what they wanted, we went back upstairs and found some crystal ware for our beverages.

I poured Fancy and I our shots, but when I went to lift mine, my hand shook uncontrollably. I set the shot down and lifted my hand again, but it was perfectly fine. I took that as a sign that I should pass my shot off to ‘Soleil’ who downed it easily in my stead. Fancy was a little disappointed that I couldn't drink anymore, but I assured him that it was for a very good reason. Thankfully for everyone, no one pushed me to find out that reason, though it was only Fleur and Fancy who didn’t know why at this point.

Around three or so, ‘Soleil’ asked if I’d ever had that hot tub installed and I grinned like a fool. Once it had been mentioned, I went upstairs to check and see how the dudes had done, and they’d done damn decently. My tub looked slightly different since it now had a control panel and jets in it, but other than that, it looked like it once did. I had no doubt that I could comfortably fit all five adults into the tub with room to spare, so I went back downstairs and had everyone come up. I had to present the beauty that was my tub as it was, and offered to let anyone who wanted to have a soak. Twilight said that she hadn’t brought a bathing suit with her, so I forestalled any further objection by telling her that she and I were the same size when I was Roxy.

Maybe it’s because she’s spiteful or because she thought it would be amusing, but Twilight turned me into Roxy and I sighed. I reminded her that I’d bought multiple bathing suits so I could see myself in each of them and Twilight gave up. ‘Soleil’ and ‘Moonlight’ both excused themselves from the bathroom and came back, changed and ready to roll. Fleur was ecstatic that she’d packed bathing suits, just in case and she made Fancy and I admit that packing for any and everything had been a smart idea. It meant that she had seven bags in one of my guest rooms, but they could still get in the tub, so all was well.

I picked out a nice one piece that I had thought was sexier than a metaphor on me, though Twilight had wanted it for herself since it covered more. I let her have it and went for a royal green two-piece that was also super hot on me. It wasn't like I was stressed for choices since I’d picked everything out based on how much I wanted to fuck myself in it.

Is it still a sin to lust after yourself?

Twilight had me wait outside while she changed because she was shy like that, and when she came out, I felt my face heat up and my stomach turn into a mass of butterflies. She looked fucking great, and through the fog that was my arousal, I remembered that Twilight and I had practically the same figure, though she filled out the bathing suit a bit better than I did in the rear area. I didn’t realize I was staring until Twilight waved a hand in front of my face.

“Sorry love, what now?” I said, shaking my head to clear it.

“I said you might as well take a picture!” Twilight covered her chest and huffed.

“I might. Honestly, I am so tempted.” I said conversationally.

Twilight turned her back to me, so I went into the room to go change. I couldn’t figure out how to tie something behind my back, so I used the unique power of puppy dog eyes to get her in the room so she could tie me off. I took that opportunity to have a quick little make out session with Twilight since she’d gotten me all hot and bothered in the first place. By the time I pulled away from her, Twilight was giving me some serious bedroom eyes.

“Roxy, I need you to not do that tonight.” She said breathlessly.

“Is it something I did?” I asked nervously.

“No, trust me, it’s just… You know…” Twilight looked away and swished her tail a couple of times.

“If you’re trying to get m to look at your butt, all you have to do is tell me.” I grinned. When she gave me a womanly look, I raised my hands in defeat. “I’ll stop, okay? Just don’t look at me in that tone of voice anymore.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “That’s impossible. I’ll look at you in whatever tone of voice I please.”

I wrapped an arm around her side and she stiffened up. “While you’re gazing upon my sexiness, follow me back to my room so we can get in the hot tub already!”

Twilight unwound my arm and held my hand. “Well, what are we waiting for?”

I gave her a look and her blush intensified. We didn’t bother saying anything else since that would have delayed us further, so we went into my bathroom and joined the rest of the party. The honor of sitting in the tub first was mine, and Twilight followed closely after. ‘Soleil’ still got to be one of the first ones into the tub, so I was willing to bet that she wouldn’t complain. The rest of the plebe- Well, patricians, filed into the tub shortly after and I hit the jets. Much to my pleasure, there were a couple on the back of my seat in particular that I hadn’t noticed. I examined the control panel and saw that there was a button labeled ‘Secret Jets’ that I was interested in, so I pressed it and eyes shot open around the tub. Nobody moved for like, three full minutes except for Twilight who had started when the jets had come on. I chuckled when I realized that ‘Moonlight’ hadn’t moved either and I realized that Twilight was the most innocent one out of all of us present.

“Roxy!” Twilight whispered into my ear.

“Yes, cherry?”

“Can you feel… that water?” She asked anxiously.

“Yes I can.” I sighed shakily.

She looked at me, then around at the group. Fancy and Fleur were both having a chat with ‘Soleil’ and ‘Moonlight’, so we were pretty much unnoticed. “I-It doesn’t bother you?”

“I think it feels rather nice.” I said, struggling to keep my voice steady.

“But… What if somepony notices?” She asked softly.

I sighed again and moved off of my jet so I could speak properly. “It’s on for everyone, cherry. They’re either enjoying it or they moved.”

“...I haven’t seen anypony move.” Twilight murmured.

“If you don’t like it, then I can turn it off. It’s not like I’m going to sit here and let you continue to be uncomfortable.”

“...I-I want to try it.” Twilight said anxiously.

I reached out and grabbed her hand under the water. “I think I felt a little recess in the nozzle of the jet. You can probably turn it down that way, just try not to be too obvious.”

Twilight tried to do so subtly, but she couldn’t have been much more obvious about it if she tried. After two minutes of being politely ignored by everyone, I reached over and turned it the right way, feeling the pressure lessen. Twilight turned bright red since my hand was touching both of her thighs and was quite close to something more intimate, but she stayed still until I got the nozzle turned down. Twilight resumed her usual position, but the blush on her face didn’t fade. I took her hand again and squeezed it to reassure her, and she opened her mouth to thank me. There was only a little squeak that I found to be absolutely adorable, and so did Fleur who was looking pretty rosy herself.

The only people who weren’t bright red at this point were Fancy and ‘Soleil’, but I was sure that was because ‘Soleil’ had plenty of practice hiding orgasms and Fancy was a former guard, so he was used to the ‘suffer in silence’ thing. I couldn’t tell if my face was flushed because of the water or the jet, but either way, I was enjoying myself immensely and I was getting close. Twilight was closer, evidently, because she tried her best to crush my hand before letting out some adorable little whimpers. I whispered that she could just turn the nozzle off completely if she couldn’t handle it, but it was too late. Twilight let out a low, soft moan that I outdid by a mile, garnering the attention of the other five people in the tub. Sadly, I hadn’t actually gotten off, but sacrifices and all that.

“S-Sorry,” I stammered purposefully. “I-I guess I wasn’t expecting the jets to go there.” I shifted a bit in my seat so that the jet was on my thigh.

“Don’t worry, dear, I’m sure that we all understand.” Fleur said with a sly smile.

“I’m sure that being a female makes you more sensitive to certain things. It must be an odd transition, Ma-er, Roxy.” Fancy said comfortingly.

“Fancy is right. I know that when I tried transforming into a man, I had a hard time walking straight.” Soleil chuckled.

Twilight squeezed my hand and I gave her a smile. “Sorry, Twilight. Didn't mean to embarrass you.”

She gave me a blank look before she snapped back into reality. “Oh! Don’t worry about it, amour, I understand!”

I grinned at the pet name and gave Twilight a quick peck. “So who likes the hot tub?”

“I’m having one installed the moment I get home.” ‘Moonlight’ sighed.

“Agreed. I need one of these in my life.” Fleur chimed in.

Soleil and Fancy were quick to add in their agreeance, so I took the time to shift back onto my jet while they were talking amongst themselves. I didn’t miss the look Twilight gave me and patted her thigh under the water. I could feel that she’d turned her jet off, so I was wondering what the look was for until I felt her hand grab mine. She gave me two squeezes which I assumed stood for ‘Thank you’ ,and I gave her three back for ‘No problem’. I think she misunderstood it, but that wasn’t important at the moment, so I settled back and waited until I reached a real orgasm. I jammed my tongue into the roof of my mouth so that I wouldn’t make a sound, but ‘Soleil’ had other ideas.

“So, Roxy,” She grinned deviously. “What made you want a hot tub slash bath tub?”

“Oh, you know. Just saw an opportunity for some fun.” I replied unsteadily.

“Really? Are you sure this wasn’t one of your whims as a bachelor, or rather, a bachelorette? I’m sure you can imagine having a cornucopia of eligible mares in here.”

“No, none of that. Just wanted a hot tub.” I replied. I was climbing another orgasm and I really didn’t need her shit right now.

“Well, at least you can enjoy the comforts of a spa at home.” ‘Soleil’ teleported the wine that they’d been drinking downstairs and some glasses. She poured one for everyone except for me, preferring to fill my glass with a liquid that I wasn’t too sure of. “I propose a toast: To Max or Roxy! Whatever he-she wants to be called right now!”

There were chuckles and glasses clinked together. I found out that my beverage was actually white grape juice, which was tasty, though I couldn’t help but feel like I was a child in a gathering of adults because of it. I reminded myself that I’d shagged two of those adults and was working on a third, so I stopped feeling as childish after that.

Shortly after the toast, ‘Soleil’ and ‘Moonlight’ took their leave, stating that they had some stuff to do in the morning and that they shouldn’t have stayed as long as they did. After magically (and lazily) changing their clothes, they teleported back to Canterlot, which left Twilight, Fleur and I in a tub full of warm water and probably a lot of love juices from every woman present.

I convinced everyone to leave the tub shortly after that realization.

I let Twilight browse through my clothes so she could find something that she liked and I just picked out some sleepwear that I thought I’d never get to use. It was nice and sexy, so I threw a light robe on over it and waited for Twilight to come out of the bathroom. She’d picked one of my button downs and a pair of my sleeping trousers as her clothing for the night, and I couldn’t help but find that to be rather attractive, a fact that I let Twilight know as soon as I saw her. She complimented me on my robe until I let it fall.

“So? What do you think?” I asked, doing a twirl. “Do you like?”

The lust had returned to Twilight’s eyes. “I like.”

I stopped twirling. “You okay there, cherry?”

Twilight approached me with a grace that I had seen from her on a select few occasions. “I’m perfectly fine. You know, why don’t we just tell Fleur and Fancy to have a good night? We can talk to them in the morning.” Twilight had come quite close and walked a couple of fingers up my collarbone.

“...As much as I would love to, and I assure you that I’m not lying, we have an agreement.”

“And? I’m approaching you. That’s all that had to happen, right?” Twilight pouted.

“That, and you have to not be in estrus.” I scolded gently. “I know you want to now, but-”

Twilight cut me off with a kiss that was passionate from start to finish. I struggled to keep up with her as Twilight pushed me back until I met resistance and fell back onto the bed. “Forget all that, won’t you? I want you now. You might not get another chance like this, you know.” She placed her hands on either side of me and gave me a sultry look.

“I’ll take that risk, cherry.” I grabbed her hands and gave her a gentle peck.

Twilight pouted some more. “Roxy, you don’t know what estrus is like! It’s the constant need to find somepony to take care of you for a little while and it doesn’t go away unless you find somepony or you wait for the week to end!”

“Sounds a lot like puberty.” I stated drily. More kindly, I said, “I’ll tell you what, Twilight. If you let me stay as Roxy, I’ll give you what you want, just not right now.”

Twilight gave me another long kiss that filled my head with warm, fuzzy static. “Promise?”

“Cross my heart, cherry." Twilight beamed and I took a moment to compose myself in the restroom while she went downstairs. I was simultaneously high fiving myself for sticking to the plan, but beating my head into the wall for kinda sorta giving in and not straight up taking the chance to lay Twilight like I wanted to so badly. It took me a couple minutes to stop hating myself, but once I did, I retrieved my robe from where I’d left it and tied it loosely before heading downstairs to join Fleur, Fancy and Twilight for a few games of pool. Fleur deigned it unworthy of her time to play since she knew she was about to get absolutely violated by Fancy, Twilight, and I, so I set up a game of Cutthroat for us, and this time, there were no teams. Twilight was the first one out since Fancy was familiar with her playstyle, and I got Fancy because I’d outmaneuvered him.

The next round, Twilight got her revenge because she got to shoot first. Fancy and I got a shot apiece due to Twilight’s savagery on the table, so during the next match, I shot first and we took more shots at Twilight’s balls than at each other’s. The threat was the clearest with Twilight, so we kept her nice and subdued until she got to shoot first again, which killed Fancy and I handily. I’d noticed that when my favourite Unicorn dipped so much as a toe into estrus, her acuity in things requiring hand-eye coordination went through the goddamn roof, and billiards was no exception. By the end of the night, Twilight had taken more one-on-one games than anyone else, and had even done pretty well in Cutthroat, despite Fancy and I trying to wall her as much as possible. I was proud that I had such a profound pool sharp by my side, but I was smarting pretty well from being beaten so easily, so my pride was tempered by no small amount of frustration.

I gave Fleur and Fancy the freedom to pick whatever room they liked, and Fleur decided that they would take the room right next to mine. I had no idea how well that was going to work out for them if they planned on sleeping, so I subtly advised them to take another room, but Fleur was persistent. I had Twilight head upstairs so I could have a quick word with them, though she was reluctant to leave my side. I assured her that I would be up in a moment and I collected some chuckles from the peanut gallery.

Once Twilight was out of earshot, I said, “You guys realize that she’s in estrus, right? I can’t promise that it’ll be quiet, so you might want to switch rooms.”

“I agree with Max. Twilight is like a niece to me, and I really don’t want to hear any of that.” Fancy said, turning a little green.

“Oh, but you don’t mind if I eavesdrop a little, right?” Fleur asked.

I gave her a look. “If it was anyone else I was laying, I’d be all for it, but I still haven’t taken Twilight’s virginity, at least, not really. This is the first time we’re going to have something that can be considered sex, so if you could keep your ears to yourself, that would be lovely.”

Fleur sighed. “Fine, I’ll stay away. What about that delectable little Dragon? I’m sure-”

“Touch him before his sixteenth birthday and I’ll hurt you.”

“...Nevermind.” Fleur sighed again. “Just when a mare gets her hopes up.”

Fancy patted her shoulder. “You never did like going after younger stallions anyway. In fact, you still haven’t gone below sixteen, have you?”

“I try not to, but Spike is just so adorable, I could eat him up!” Fleur gushed.

“Back in my world, we’d either call you a man eater or a sexual predator.” I commented flatly.

“Neither of those sound terribly nice.” Fleur pouted.

“The man eater one is a compliment if you’re a slut,” Her eyes brightened, “but the sexual predator is a big no-no. People get killed over that shit back where I'm from.”

“...You’re not joking, are you?” She asked cautiously.

"I am not. Just keep away from Spike until he's ready for it." I requested.

“I would do so anyway, if anything than because you so obviously abhor such acts. I trust your judgement, and if you say that making young men my cubs is a morally wrong, then I believe that it is.” Fleur said confidently.

“My time overseas already brought me to that conclusion.” Fancy shrugged. “I saw too many foals as prostitutes in Catro and Camelroon to ever dream of doing anything like that here.”

Fleur’s jaw dropped. “Why didn’t you tell me!? I would’ve happily kept my hands to myself if I knew that it bothered you!”

Fancy gave her a look. “You don’t take any colt or stallion that isn’t willing. At sixteen, I know I was hornier than a dragon and twice as hot under the collar, so I can’t tell you not to fulfill some young stallion’s dream. You never went lower than that, so I never had a problem.”

“I’ll be sure to never go below that then. I would hate to earn animosity from my two favourite stallions.” Fleur said.

“You won’t if you keep up the good work.” I reached up and patted Fleur’s head. She gave me a stern look, so I kept doing it. “Good Pony, nice Pony. Does someone want a carrot?”

Fleur removed my hand with magic and grabbed me by my face firmly but gently. I wondered what she was going to do until she licked my face. “Somepony needs to learn to be less patronizing.”

I wiped her drool off and gave her a look. “I was just telling you that you’re a good, nice Pony. You should learn to take a compliment.

Fleur gave me a wry look and sent me off to go have some fun with Twilight, so I bid Fancy and her goodnight before heading upstairs. We didn’t have much time before sunrise, so I hurried to get up stairs so I could unwrap my present. I strode into my room and locked it behind me, making sure to check that it was, in fact, locked. I scanned the room and looked for Twilight who was laying on her side with her head propped up, waiting for me on my bed. I gave her what I hoped was a sultry smiled and took my time gettng over to her. I’d already waited this long; there was no point in rushing now.

(Ctrl+F Scene is Over to Skip)

I let my robe fall on my way over to Twilight, but kept walking at the same pace. I was eager to try getting somewhere with her again, though at the same time, I was a little nervous about not being able to perform until I realized that the only thing I would be using was my tongue. Once I got that through my head, I eased up and stopped at the edge of the bed, leaning down to give Twilight a slow, loving kiss. She, on the other hand, had prepared a hungry, lustful kiss for me that I found myself being drawn into the moment our lips made contact. Twilight’s inner slut was coming out, and I was happy to see it, though I was worried about how she would feel after the fact.

She must have felt my nervousness, because she said, “Don’t worry, amour. This is just the first of many.”

“First impressions leave lasting memories, cherry, and I want this to be a good one for you.” I said softly.

“This isn't the first time. It’s the first time we’re both sober enough to stand up straight, but it’s not our first time. Relax, and I’m sure you’ll do just fine.”

I gave her another kiss. “Funny, shouldn’t I be saying that to you?”

Twilight rolled her eyes and rolled over on the bed, giving me some room to join her. She tried to take the spot on top, but she’d bolstered my confidence by telling me to relax, so I wrestled with her for it until she gave up. Twilight allowed me the privilege of hearing her wonderful laughter when I straddled her, so I gave her another reward in the form of a kiss. Twilight had just started to slip me some tongue when I pulled away from her and laid a hand on her breast. From there, I switched from kissing her lips to peppering her neck with dozens of light kisses while gently massaging her mammaries. Twilight squirmed from my ministrations and I kept going like that for a few minutes. I wanted her to remember this as one of the single best orgasms that she would ever had, so I was going to spend plenty of time on unnecessary foreplay.

I gave her neck a little nibble and her breath caught, which sent a chill down my spine in the nicest of ways. Before I started unbuttoning anything, I gazed into Twilight’s eyes and asked, “May I?”

“May you what?” She purred sensually.

“May I undress you, my love?” I whispered into her ear.

Twilight bit her lip and said, “Do it."

I didn’t need her to say it again, so I switched to the other side of her neck and started again with my kisses. I was fucking thrilled that the lights were still on as I took each button one at a time with one hand. Twilight gave me a smile that sent electricity through my veins and a kiss to top all others. I gave as good as I got and then some, though I was a little distracted by Twilight's wandering hands. Her exploration had lead her to my breasts and to my bottom, though I couldn't tell which she enjoyed more, though it filled me with pleasure to know that I turned her on anyways.

After ten more minutes of doing precious little other than cheating and teasing Twilight, I got off of her and asked her to spread legs for me. Twilight wasn’t terribly thrilled about about the prospect, but with some gentle encouragement and a double check to make sure that the door was locked, Twilight finally allowed me to remove her trousers, meaning that I got hit in the face estrus pheromones pretty hard. Her panites were already soaked, though in Twilight’s defense so were mine, but that’s not the important part. The important part is that there was some flimsy cloth in the way of me getting what I desired so strongly, so I decided to make it a little sexier, pulling Twilight’s under garments down with my teeth until I freed them from her form.

I wanted to wait as long as I could, so I toyed with Twilight some more, flicking her clit with my tongue. I tried easing a finger into Twilight, but she had tensed up so much that I doubted anything good would come of trying to continue on that from, so I tried the more indirect route and used my tongue to trace her lips, occasionally dipping into her entrance to get a taste for her. For some odd reason, Twilight tasted like the plum wine that she’d had earlier, which was fine by me as long as I couldn’t get drunk off of contact.

I worked my magic for the better part of an hour, finding new places that felt good to Twilight while exploring her body, trying to remember every little detail as best I could. I’d noticed that Twilight’s breathing had turned ragged about fifteen minutes into it, and she had more small orgasms than I cared to count. As it was, I was working toward giving Twilight the final push that would send her over the edge. When I latched onto her clit, Twilight cried out for Celestia, which I found to be rather insulting since I was the one laying her. I was offended up until I remembered that Celestia was basically a divine spirit to the Ponies, and that they practically worshipped her.

I stayed with Twilight through her orgasm, though I did fear that she was about to pop my head like a grape between her thighs. It was a nice place to be, and other than the fact that I was probably going to have a massive headache by the time we were done, I thought it had been worth it to hear Twilight cry out in ecstasy. Once she lay flat on her back, occasionally twitching, I laid next to her.

“So? How was it?” I asked, licking my lips. I'd wiped my face off on the sheets since Twilight was rather messy.

Twilight had a dreamy smile. “Better than I thought it would be! Are you sure you don’t want to change into Max and see where it goes from there?” She asked.

I sighed. “Not until estrus is over, cherry. For the time being, you’re just gonna have to sit and look pretty.”

“Aren’t I always pretty?” Twilight asked facetiously.

“Usually, but sometimes you’re more cute than pretty, and others more beautiful than both.”I gave her a warm smile and a quick peck.

She beamed and beckoned me a little closer. “You know, I’ve never done what you just did, but I imagine that a little time with our favourite toy will help me out.”

I grinned deviously. “Sounds like a lovely way to spend some time.”

And so it was. Twilight was pretty decent at handling the controller for me, though I wondered if she’d learned from experience or from speculation. Either way, She had me moaning within five minutes and cumming before we hit the twenty minute mark, though I blamed my lack of stamina on the fact that I had the vibrator directly against my clit while Twilight experimented. We swapped back and forth for a little while, competing to see who could last the longest. I won, of course, but that didn’t stop Twilight for claiming the prize she’d wanted for winning. After two more rounds with the toy, Twilight and I decided to call it a night, though we pretty much just picked one side of the bed so no one had to sleep in the wet spot. My legs were feeling awfully weak, but I wanted to get clean before bed this time around, so I asked Twilight to join me in the shower.

Twilight agreed to come with me, which was pretty great. While we were in the shower, Twilight had started getting awfully handsy again, so I placed her hands to the right spots and coached her through how to bring a female an orgasm with just your fingers and some know how. She was a quick learner, so it wasn’t long before we had our hands between each others legs, seeing who would give in first. Again, Twilight took the title of first one out, but I wasn’t exactly very far behind seeing as how I came only a minute or so later.

Once we were actually focusing on getting clean, I noticed that Twilight’s tail swished from side to side, almost as if she were wagging it or something. I’d never really paid much attention to Ponies’ tails, but now that I looked at it, I just wanted to yank on it and see what would happen. I pushed my temptations down and tried to look at anything but her tail. I did end up yanking it, which earned me a stern glare from Twilight, making me smile like a fool.

We finished up with our shower and got into bed. We’d both needed to replace our under garments since they’d been rather ruined before we could take them off, but it was at times like this that I was glad to have the option of having a vagina whenever I wanted. It meant that I could help people in different ways if I really felt like it, which was pretty cool on its own, but the whole sex thing was ten times better and I looked forward to when Twilight had some more experience under her belt. In any case, I got to fall asleep with her in my arms, so it was a good end to a pretty good day.

(Ctrl+F Scene is Over to Skip)

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Fancy and Fleur caught an early train back to Canterlot since they had business to take care of later in the day, so Twilight, Spike and I waved them off as they boarded their train. Twilight had wanted to spend some more time with me, but Spike was pretty vehement about taking her back home for some reason, so I didn’t worry about it too much and started packing some crap for my own trip to Canterlot. I made sure to include some non-constrictive casual clothes so that I would have something to fight in and packed my climbing gloves because I was so used to having them by my side. Once I had my clothes and whatnot packed up, I moved back into my living room and debated whether or not I should take Nacht with me. On one hand, it would solidify my status as a Baron, but on the other, it marked me as one of Luna’s people, and I wasn’t too fond of being claimed by anyone other than Twilight. I packed it in with the rest of crap anyways since it was beautiful and sharper than my tongue after a full day with Pinkie. Plus, it was also more of a fighting dagger anyways, so would serve me well.

I grinned as I thought of the advantages I had in a knife fight. Experience, recklessness, and being an adrenaline junkie up to a point all stewed together to create a massive dildo that I was going to ram up that pompous twat’s arse. Seriously, it had been some months since I became a Baron, and this fool was just now having a problem with it, though I didn’t really get why a prince was so worried about a small Barony that really didn’t have much going for it besides the Elements of Harmony. Maybe the guy was just jealous of my good looks or something, but either way, I needed to have Celestia change me back into a dude sooner or later, so when night fell and the Moon rose, I bought a ticket and boarded the last scheduled train heading towards Canterlot. I spent the time on the train writing notes to explain my absence in Ponyville, and Twilight immediately sent a letter back asking why I hadn’t told her that I’d been going. I reminded her that I actually had when we saw Fancy and Fleur off, but Twilight didn’t remember it, so she was still mad at me.

With that little nuisance out of the way, I focused on running various scenarios and finding new permutations to see what had changed from strike to strike. If Blueblood was a unicorn like most other Canterlot natives, then he would probably be physically weak. Thankfully, my constant cardio and healthy diet had scraped off pretty much any remaining body fat that I’d had before coming to Equestria. I even made sure to work out at least once a day, but who wants to read about that shit?

‘The sparkling sweat that beaded on his brow blinded him, causing him to crumble under the force that subdued his strength. His muscles rippled and jumped at the slightest movement like he was a predator waiting for the perfect moment to strike’. I chuckled to myself at my own half witted imagination.

Aside from that, the train ride was as quiet as it usually was. There never seemed to be many people on the train whenever I rode, so I didn’t really have much of a chance to talk to anyone since no one seemed to want to be bothered. That was perfectly fine by me since I didn’t really want to chat up a few strangers anyway. I spent some extra time thinking about random things until we arrived at the station, and once we were there, I didn’t waste another moment, heading to the Triple C as soon as I got off the train. I figured that an giving Celestia a dark chocolate cake would go over well, and I was hoping that Luna liked angel food cake. Hell, it wasn’t like they couldn’t switch if they didn’t like what I got them, so they could fucking deal with it.

I recognized one of the Night Guards on duty as none other than Dune Bug himself. His protege was nowhere to be seen, so I asked what they had him doing now. Dune kept his trap shut, but his partner leaned in and whispered that I’d gotten them in trouble when I had run away from them. I assured the gentlemen that I would have a word with the Princess of the Night so that they wouldn’t be punished for my screw ups and they both gave me an odd look before opening the gate without another word. I figured it was somewhere between creepy and interesting, but I was leaning more toward the creepy side as of right now.

Entering the castle hadn’t been a problem at all, and there was practically no paperwork necessary to see Luna, so I entered the Court Hall and said, “Sup, Lulu?”

Luna lifted her head from her hand and yawned, which made me yawn. “As you can see, there is not much ‘up’ around here. Night Court is always boring. Why are you female?”

“Sex stuff. Do you mind changing me back? I brought some dude clothes with me, just in case.”

Luna roleld her eyes and her horn lit up. Things were very uncomfortable, so she let me borrow a room to change in. Once I was finished, I went back to the court hall.

“Is there something you wanted Max? As you can see, I’m terribly busy.” Luna gestured toward the nearly empty room.

“I see. Do you want some cake?”

“Not at the moment, but I will keep them for you if you do not wish to carry them any longer.” Luna offered.

“Thanks, I appreciate that. For being so nice, you can pick whichever one you want.” I grinned.

She lifted a brow and inspected the contents of each box. “At least you have good taste in confections, I’ll give you that. I believe I will take the sponge cake for myself. Celestia always has been quite the chocoholic, and she has been for the past four thousand and twenty or so years that I’ve known her.”

“I thought you said you guys were only like, three thousand?” I asked

“We don’t really count the millennia we spent apart, but Celestia and I are rather old, no matter how you look at it.” Luna said.

“You still look good for being older than dirt, if it makes you feel any better.”

“Your insolence is refreshing, for once.” Luna huffed.

“My insolence is the best out there, dollface. Speaking of insolence, I have to fight Prince Blueblood tomorrow. Any tips against him?” I asked.

Luna gave me a look and said, “If you cannot best him, then you will be fired as an Operative. Blueblood is as soft as most nobles, though he does train rather frequently with a foil, estoc, or rapier when the whim strikes him. As long as you do not seek to best him at his own game, you should be fine.”

“Then I should be fine. The challenge is going to be a knife fight, if I have anything to say about it. I doubt there are many people out there with my level of experience when it comes to shanking and ganking.” I grinned evilly.

Luna returned my grin with one of her own. “Then I look forward to seeing you wipe the floor with that uppity, no good, mareizing, narcissistic, parasite. Do be sure to make it last; It’s been awhile since I’ve seen a good fight.”

“Oi! I’m narcissistic and no good! Come up with better adjectives, dammit.”

“I would, but putting forth the effort seems tedious, so I believe I’ll let my words lie. Do you require a bed for the night?”

“Yes, actually. I was going to just stop by a hotel or something, but I figured that I might as well give you some cake while I’m town.” I gave her a crooked smile.

“Gifts and flattery will get you many places, though none of those places are in my wing of the castle.” Luna said drily.

“Aren’t Dusk Barons supposed to stay close to their liege or whatever? What if frail, young, impressionable Princess Luna gets a boo-boo? Who’s going to kiss it for her?”

“I imagine that being nearly ancient would qualify one to no longer require kisses for ‘boo-boos’. Luna said blandly.

“It never hurts to try. Next time you ram your knee into something that’s not a person, don’t come crying to me.”

“I assure you that I could find another willing to do the task if you are not, though that would undermine my saying that I no longer need to be consoled when in minor pain.” Luna sighed. “Things were so much easier three thousand years ago.”

I raised my brows. “They were also pretty barbaric and more than a little murdery, if your own accounts of the past are anything to go by.”

“I never said that they were better, just easier. Tell me, is it not simply more efficient to slay your enemies instead of forming tentative bonds with them?” Luna asked.

“Depends on the enemy. Sometimes you’ve just got to pick your battles if you want to avoid unnecessary trouble like revenge seekers and loved ones of the deceased.”

“It seems that all I do since I’ve returned is pick my battles. Do you understand what it’s like to be seen and heard, but not listened to?”

I gave her a wry look. “You forget that, for some time, every other conversation I had with Celestia was an argument.”

Luna snorted. “Hyperbole at its finest. One out of three conversations was an argument.”

“Going from a half to a third doesn’t make that much of a difference to me. And before you spout a lame idiom or something, I’d like to remind you that it doesn’t have to be a slugfest to be an argument.”

She rolled her eyes. “Whatever you say, Maximus. While on the topic of arguments, how many have you had with Twilight Sparkle so far?”

“I’d say zero to none, though she’s a bit upset that I’m here for a fight, so that might end up being an argument.” I shrugged. “I’m sure that listening to what she has to say will help, and doing something to correct whatever mistake I made should go even further.”

“Spoken like a stallion beyond your years.” Luna nodded. “No wonder you have the capacity to make friends. You don’t suck all the time.”

“I try not to, otherwise all I’m good for is getting dirt out of carpets.”

“That makes no sense to me.” Luna stated.

“Damn, I forget that Equestria is behind the times on a lot of things. Well, compared to my world, at least. When you have magic, I guess you can afford to be lazy with your technology.”

“Equestria is not lazy with its technology.” Luna huffed.

“You might not be. I might’ve just showed up at a weird time. I’m just saying that the marvels we had in my world could rival magic, depending on what use you’re using it for.”

“I remember having this conversation with you. The sheer magnitude of the destruction you described…” Luna shook her head. “I could not imagine Celestia or I employing such inponane tactics, just to win a war.”

“In fairness, the Americans did that and they’re pretty famous in my country for being psychotic idiots half the time, and the other half, they’re usually coming up with a new way to lose weight or stuffing their faces. Life is weird like that.”

“... You always describe these ‘Americans’ as the most colorful characters. It is a shame I did not have a chance to meet one.”

“According to the multiverse theory, there’s a universe where you’re the Human and I’m a Pony, so there’s probably a few infinite universes where you met me as an American.”

“Multiverse theory? Explain it to me.” I lifted a brow. “Please.”

And so I did. I went about as deep as I could go with Quantum Physics, but it really wasn’t all that deep. I could explain the two main theories of time and how it operated, but she told me that time in Equestria was more like a pond than a river, meaning that if someone goes back in time, they create a miniature loop that needs to be broken by special magic. Ponies were supposed to be on the lookout for people who are bone crushingly depressed since it’s one of the main indicators that someone is stuck in a loop. I found it to be mildly amusing since I didn’t have magic that could trap me in time, though Luna found it far less appealing, stating that she’d even looped herself once while trying to stop herself from breaking Celestia’s favorite vase about three and a half thousand years ago. I remembered to ask her about getting Dune Bug and Silver Storm off the hook, but she was a little reluctant to stop something she'd put in motion, so I reminded her that it was my fault in the first place. She wore down quickly, so I considered my job done.

While we were talking, I considered telling her that I’d found a catalyst, but then I remembered that it would be completely fucking retarded to do so, just in case she decided to deep six my arse then and there to save herself the trouble of dealing with me when I became a threat. With that in mind, I kept my mouth fucking shut so I would live a little longer. While I knew that Luna actually liked me to a certain degree, I also knew that she wouldn’t hesitate to put her sword through my heart should I ever start playing fast and loose with my powers.

I abruptly changed the topic from the possible health benefits involved in eating copious amounts of carrot cake to fighting styles. I wasn’t surprised to find that Luna preferred the standard sword and shield, though her sword reminded me more of a gladius than anything traditionally European. I, on the other hand, was only ‘trained’ in street fights and scraps that would often would’ve punched my ticket many times over if I wasn’t as agile as I was. Luna might have been the ADC (Attack Damage Carry), but I was full on glass cannon with my approach to skirmishes. I preferred to hit hard and dodge quickly rather than parrying or trying to tank blows, while Luna was an expert with ripostes and was quite experienced with many styles of fighting. As we were talking, we knew that there could only be one outcome pertaining to our observations about ourselves and each other: We had to see who was better.

Luna made her steward take her place for a little while so Luna and I could head to the training grounds for a private, quiet clash. I doubted that we would be able to finish without an audience, and when Luna lead me to the training grounds, we already had one. Night Guards of all shapes and sizes were milling about, doing whatever they were supposed to be doing with their time. Our arrival was met with much kneeling and bowing, though some of the people who saw me first just saluted up until they realized who I was walking with.

There were some soldiers standing around a ring in the dirt, watching two of their own go at it in a rather entertaining sparring match. I couldn’t really tell the dudes apart since they were wearing full armor, but there didn’t really seem to be a clear victor anyways, so I just sat back and watched the show. They concluded once one of them subdued the other, and Luna stepped in to congratulate the guy who won. I took the loser aside for a moment and told him that he’d done pretty well, but his footwork needed some adjustment, and when Luna came around to talk to him too, she basically said the same thing. The guys only real problem was that he was a bit clumsy with his footing, but other than that, he’d seemed solid enough. Sadly, good enough just doesn’t cut it when you’re fighting for your life, so Luna made sure to scold him for getting himself killed, which I found amusing.

By this time, most of the guards around the training grounds had stopped at some point to stare at Luna and myself, although can’t say I was surprised in the slightest. When you have a Princess and a Baron on the field shit’s bound to get interesting. I could have sworn I could feel the rumors start gestating as Luna and I approached the circle. When we stepped inside, Luna spoke to the Captain of the Night Guard, a grizzled looking man simply named Dirge. Luna asked if we could borrow the ring for a round of sparring, but it’s not like she’d even had to bother with it. She could’ve simply told the guy that we were going at it, but that would have been rude, and thankfully Luna still remembered how to be polite sometimes.

I set my sack of crap down outside the ring since I’d been carrying it the entire time. After a quick stretch so I don’t fuck anything up too badly, Luna came over and enchanted Nacht and the Warbling Blade so that I would turn her into finely sliced Pony and did the same to her own blade. We took our positions at opposite sides of the ring, and when Dirge rang the bell, we approached each together carefully. I took in Luna’s stance as a whole: Her shield blocked off any frontal attacks, and since she was right handed, dodging to the left would probably get me cut. Dodging to the right might get me bashed with a shield, but it seemed better than getting shanked, so I rushed Luna over the last couple of meters between us and feigned hard to the left before fully committing to the right. Luna had sent a quick thrust my way, but with the power of opposable appendages, I cleared her quickly and scored a blow on her thigh with Nacht. Being a lefty had suited me just fine in quite a few fights, but I was assumed that Luna had fought against left handed opponents before, so I tried to figure out another approach.

While I was thinking, I was constantly whirring around Luna, dodging swing after swing from her sword. I’d had to sheath the Warbling Blade so I could have an open hand which proved to be the right move. Luna tried to bash me with her shield to make some distance, but I was on her like white on rice, and I wasn’t going anywhere fast. When I grabbed the rim of her shield and jerked it forward, Luna instinctively jerked it back, not expecting me to push right along with her, causing the Lunar Diarch to lose her footing. She didn’t topple over, much to my disappointment, but now she had the distance she’d wanted and I was going to have to put in some work to get back in range. The Warbling Blade found its way back into my right hand, giving me a pretty stupid idea. I closed the distance between myself and Luna once more, but this time when she threw an overhead swing at me, I tried to smack it aside with Nacht so I could close in with my offhand. Sadly, Luna’s good at doing the combat because she altered the path of her swing in a split second and scored a glancing blow to my side. It had been weakened by some quick thinking on my part, but I could still feel some numbness where Luna hit me, indicating that I would have taken damage.

I sobered up a little and approached Luna more carefully. I jabbed and poked at what I could see, though she parried often with supreme accuracy. Luna had gotten warmed up, and I hadn’t been able to finish the fight quickly enough, so I was thinking that I was pretty much boned. A little distance went a long way in allowing me to get some of my stamina back, and I decided not to draw out the conflict any longer. I dropped low into my stance and circled Luna slowly, shortening the distance between us with each passing step until I was within range of her sword. Luna made no attempts to show me mercy of any kind, and her rapid thrusts and swings with her sword just showed how comfortable she was on the battlefield. I dodged and deflected her blows with my knives, but Luna just kept hitting harder and harder until I could barely feel my hands. I decided it was the right time to enact my plan, so I hopped back a ways and charged Luna for the final time. She bunkered down with her sword pointing at me, her eyes following my every movement. I could see that she had been expecting me to fake her out again, so I did something unexpected: I drop kicked her.

Luna rolled over once before regaining her composure, but it was already over. I was behind her in an instant with Nacht poised for the kill. She laid her weapons down and I withdrew, panting from the work out. Luna wasn’t in much better condition than I was, though she hid it rather well. We shook hands with Luna admitting her defeat, but before I could say anything, we were greeted by a round of applause from the peanut gallery. ‘Rematch’ was chanted from somewhere out of sight at first, but slowly grew in volume until Luna told everyone to shut the fuck up. We agreed to have another match after a short break, so I asked one of the guards where a guy could get something to drink. He pointed me to the canteen while Luna gave a lecture on how to deal with opponents like me, which I thought was a little unfair.

After I got my drink and the numbness wore off, I returned to the ring and chatted up some of the guards. They weren’t terribly talkative folks, but when I assured them that I would cover for them if they got into trouble, most were happy to listen to me try out new material and tell the occasion tale from my days as a street rat. I’d only been talking to a group of four or so guards when I’d started, but as I continued to speak, more people gathered to listen to my tales. It was rather ego inflating until Luna told me that it was time for our second match.

I got fucking wrecked. Luna had increased the power behind her thrusts, and with that power came speed in spades. Luna read most of my moves, so I only ended up scoring two good hits against her during the ten or so minutes we fought. By the time Luna was done handing my arse to me, most of my upper body was numb, and the only thing that had stopped her from getting my legs was the fact that I spent the last three minutes running around like a chicken with its head cut off. We got another round of applause from the guards along with a few chuckles for my antics, so Luna and I decided to go for a tie breaker once we weren’t as magically numbed.

We chatted on the sidelines, watching another pair of guards go at it while we traded suggestions to each other. Luna told me to be more aggressive and I told her to take care not to tire out too early. The only reason the second match had lasted so long was because I’d worn Luna out by running circles around her, but in doing that, I’d worn myself out too, so I made sure to not do that again. The dark blue butthead ended up taking the third round too because I’d gone for a risky trade, thinking that Nacht was longer than it actually was. I had a good feel for the blade now, but I needed more practice swinging it to get more familiar with its reach. As much as I would’ve liked to stay and take on all challengers, I had a long day ahead of me and I doubted that Luna would approve of me packing her guards’ fudge, despite the fact that I was feeling a bit worn out from three fights in a row.

I went to sleep around four in the morning and woke up around ten. Forward thinking had smiled on me this day since I could get my journal caught up without being bothered by anyone or anything, and once that was done, I walked over to the Court Hall to say hello to the other white meat for a little bit.

After signing far too many goddamn papers, I was allowed to see Celestia. From across the Court Hall, I said, “Hullo there, sunshine.”

Celestia raised her brow and gave me a half smile. “If it isn’t our little soldier in training. Luna told me that you did rather well in your sparring last night.”

“Didn’t stop her from winning. I swear, once she knocked the rust off, Luna became un-fucking-stoppable.”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Perhaps to you. Lulu is still my baby sister, and she will remain so forever and always. My cute, harmless little sister.”

“If you consider Luna harmless, then I’d hate to see what you consider dangerous.” I scoffed.

“I consider you dangerous. You don’t even have to strike a person to tear them apart.” Celestia said drily.

“It wouldn’t be tearing them apart if I was punching them, now would it?” She rolled her eyes again. “Anyways, when is my date with Prick Blueballs?”

Celestia giggled. “I can summon him now if you’d like to get it out of the way. I say now, but he won’t be here for at least two hours. Lazy bastard.”

“Seriously, do you know what this guy has against me? I mean, I didn’t even know Equestria had a prince, so if he went this long without being mentioned, why is he stirring shit up now?” I asked, mildly irritated.

She shook her head. “I wish I could tell you, but all he says is that a non-Pony has no right to rule over Pony lands. I’d thought I’d raised him better than to be so blatantly racist, but some apples are rotten to the core, no matter how fertile the ground is.”

“That’s a weird idiom, but it’s kinda cool in an old people kinda way.” I said.

Celestia gave me a look. “Shut up, Max. As I was saying, you really shouldn’t have any problems from Blueblood. Once you decide the victor, I’m hoping he’ll get a good enough helping of humble pie to shut his loud mouth every once in awhile.”

“I don’t know what kind of guy Blueblood is, but from what I’ve heard about him so far, he’s a right twat. I’ll set him up nice and proper, so don’t you worry about a thing, Sunbutt.” I grinned cheekily.

“I’m not worried about you, I’m worried about the backlash that I might receive for being on your team. Blueblood can be quite the whiner if you give him half a chance.”

“I’ll be sure to stab him in his throat, then. Is this a life or death kinda deal, first blood, or until someone forfeits?” I asked.

“It will go on until somepony is unable to continue, though your weapons will be magically blunted so that you don’t kill each other.” You left something unsaid there, didn’t you?

I popped my neck. “Shame. I wouldn’t mind the thrill of a real fight, but I suppose challengers can’t be choosers. Has he bitched about my choice in weapons so far?”

“For nearly an hour straight. He wanted you to pick a ‘gentlecolt’s weapon’ instead of some commoners tool, but he was quick to laud the value of knives in today’s society when I mentioned that I used to carry a dagger with me at all times. The silly sycophant thinks I don’t know his schemes like somepony else hasn’t tried the same thing a thousand times before.”

I nodded. “I like knives. They’re useful for doing the folky pokey.”

“Isn’t it the ‘hokey pokey’?” Celestia asked.

“Not when you’re poking folks with knives. That’s not something I would sing to my kids any day.”

“You disturb me at times, but it’s usually amusing once I get over the fact that you talk about murder like it’s the weather.” Celestia said.

“Hey look! It’s gory with a chance of gristle outside! It’s an entrail hail coming from above!” I chuckled.

Celestia rolled her eyes once more and sent a note off. “As much as I would love to continue talking to you, I have a country to run. I’ll be in the Courtyard when you got to battle with Blueblood, however, so I’ll see you then.”

“Until then, magic talking Pony.”

I received an odd look for that, but just chuckled and continued on with my day. There wasn’t anything I actually had to do and I’d changed into the outfit I was planning on wearing to the fight, so I headed out into the Courtyard and loitered around for a bit, practicing Asstronomy and jotting down some ideas for the third book in my romance series, A Star-Crossed Love. I wasn’t done with the second installment yet, but I was getting close and had plenty of thoughts for the third one, so I filled a couple of pages with halfway fleshed out ideas that I could work into a story if I was feeling creative. I got bored of doing that eventually and walked around the Courtyard for a bit, but there weren’t many people around. By one, a few more people petered in, and by two, there were an awful lot of people waiting to see Blueblood and I square off, but Celestia was nowhere in sight. I shrugged it off and took some time to limber up since it never hurt to be flexible.

Some pompous looking prick that I assumed was Blueblood carved a path through the people surrounding the outer edges of the Courtyard, so I rose from my seat and said, “Look who finally decided to show up. Was your boyfriend too rough on you last night, or did you spend all this time getting dolled up just for me?”

Blueblood sneered. “You’re so funny, for one of the hoi polloi. Let’s see how much you talk after I’m done with you.” Someone’s getting a nickname.

“I’m sorry mate, I couldn’t hear you past the bullshit dripping from your lips. Try again, will you? And try to make it original. These people came here for a show, and I’m doubting that you have any of your own material.”

“These ponies are here to watch their beloved prince trounce some jumped up, uppity commoner who thinks that he can just become a noble on a whim!”

“No, these people are here to see one of the most widely hated people in Canterlot have a knife shoved up his arse, so why don’t you come over and let me give them what they want? At least if you please the crowd, someone might actually like you.”

Blueballs looked at me with utter disgust, but before he could say anything else, Celestia strode out into the Courtyard. I watched as her subjects knelt before her, but I just gave her a shallow bow because I was supposed to show some manner of deference. Blueballs, on the other hand, was pretty pissed that he had to kneel and I didn’t, so I gave him my smuggest smirk.

Celestia raised her hands for the plebeians to rise. “Maximus, Baron of Ponyville and Cloudsdale, you have hereby been challenged by Prince Blueblood for the right to govern your land. Do you accept this challenge?”

“I do, but I don’t think it’s going to be much of a challenge.” I said nonchalantly.

Blueballs looked pissed, but he wasn’t about to speak out of turn with Celestia. I could feel that she was holding back a smile. “As the challenged, you have the right to choose the contest. You have chosen a ‘Knife Fight’, as you call it. Is this correct?”

I nodded. “It is.”

Celestia returned the nod and two spots on the ground lit up with her magic. I went to one while Blueballs went to the other. I felt my weapons begin to vibrate suddenly, but they stopped just as quickly as they started and I guessed that Celestia had just blunted out weapons with some more magic. I was hoping that I’d be able to stab this guy, but I could deal with a little disappointment. I scanned the crowd, looking for Luna, but didn’t see her anywhere, so I assumed that she was watching from inside the castle. Sunbutt told us to unsheath our weapons so she could check if the magic had taken effect, and surprisingly, the enchantment wouldn’t stick to Blueballs’ expensive looking bowie knife. Frankly, I thought the blade itself was far too garish to ever actually be used, but I suppose that enchanted weapons should look like they’re worth what you pay for them. Celestia almost disqualified Blueballs then and there for cheating, but I graciously offered to ignore that little detail if we could just get started already. It didn’t go over that well with Celestia, but Blueballs was all for it since he was a slimy fucker like that. The contest would be allowed to continue, but if Blueballs went for a purposefully lethal strike, he would be reprimanded. I found it amusing that he thought he’d be able to trick Celestia, but it just wasn’t my place to laugh. I might have anyway, but you can't prove shit.

A ring formed around Blueballs and I, but It was about three meters too large. I asked Sunbutt to shrink the circle by half and Blueballs looked a little scared to be in such close quarters, so I used that to my advantage. Once Celestia began the contest, I opened my mouth and let insults tumble out as much as I pleased. I said some pretty awful things that don’t bear repeating, but it got me a ticket straight into Blueballs’ head, so I considered it a job well done. I’d pissed him off something fierce by insulting his lineage and telling him that his parents had never wanted him in the first place, which struck one hell of a nerve. Blueballs lunged at me and immediately went for my heart, but he was painfully slow compared to Luna, so I sidestepped and swung a fist into his nose. My hook had never been half of what Maxwell’s was, but it got the job done pretty well since it had stunned Blueballs long enough to put him on his knees. To prove my goddamn point, I punted his head like a football and watched him roll over before shakily getting to his feet. His nose was squashed and gushing blood, and he looked like he could barely hold himself up, so I took it easy on the guy and backed off a couple of steps. Blueballs picked his knife back up and made a few feeble attempts to cut me, but I wasn’t having any of this disrespectful little twat’s bullshit. In two quick motions, I deflected one of his would be blows and jammed the tip of my knife into his torso, aiming for the heart. The poor, foolish fucker just fell over and stayed there, so I sheathed my shit and scratched my head.

“Is that it?” I called out.

Celestia approached from outside the circle and knelt next to Blueballs. “I believe that’s the end of the contest.” She rose and came to my side, lifting my hand up. With her voice amplified by magic, she said, “Maximus has won the challenge!”

There was a fucking standing ovation, though I guess most people were standing already. I don’t think anyone besides Celestia and myself were expecting me to win, so imagine the surprise from the bystanders when I came out without so much as a scratch. I almost felt bad for not breaking a sweat, but the aristocunt shouldn’t have picked a fight with someone who kills people to make money. Like seriously, did the guy not know that I was an Operative? Most of the Night Guards knew and some of the Day Guards had heard about my feats, but I was pretty sure that Blueballs was so far out of the loop, he’d probably thought that Celestia had just up and given me some land. I'd expected there to be more people on Blueballs' side, but most of the people in the crowd were either guards, staff, or passers by, so I was pretty sure that most of them had at least heard of Blueballs' dickery.

Medics came by and dispelled the magic that was keeping Blueballs down, though he didn’t even thank them for helping him out. Instead, he shouted at the poor ladies, telling them to fix his nose or get lost. Celestia stopped me from ruining his face some more and went to go scold her nephew personally. As punishment for being a fucking prick to some innocent people, Celestia told Blueballs that he was going to have to let his nose heal naturally and that he needed to learn to stop looking down on people if he ever wanted respect. I flipped him off because that ship had already sailed as far as I was concerned, but it’s not like he knew what the gesture meant, so it was more for me than for him. After being chewed out, Blueballs stormed out of the Courtyard in a bitch-like huff and I chuckled.

With the challenge over, there wasn’t any reason to hang around much longer, so everyone went back to what they were doing. I hadn’t noticed earlier, but there were actually a lot of people watching, so I figured that I would be getting letters and some visits for putting Blueballs on his back. Celestia tapped my shoulder and gestured for me to follow her, though she didn’t say a thing the entire time we were walking, giving me the general impression that I was in trouble. Something told me that I wasn’t, but I’d learned that such feelings could often be incorrect when dealing with Celestia, so I held my tongue until we arrived at the Dining Hall.

Luna was already there, so Celestia and I joined her. Just as I sat down, Luna started giggling, so I asked, “What’s got you giggling?”

“The fact that you could have ended the fight without breaking his nose. I find it quite amusing.” Luna said.

Celestia gave her a disapproving look. “The fight was over far too soon. You overestimated your opponent, Max.”

“You’re some sick fucks, aren’t you? I bet you get your jollies by watching me toss the rubbish about.” I chuckled.

“Only when the rubbish is as insufferable as Blueblood. You might be insufferable at times, but at least you don't act like your very presence is a gift to the world.” Luna scoffed.

“That’s because I pay attention to how shitty a person I am. I try to keep it below dung heap levels.” I jested.

“When does a heap become a heap? When does it cease to be so?” Celestia questioned.

“After three or more dung pies, it’s a heap. Less than three, and its just poo on the floor.” I answered wisely.

“With a mouth as foul as yours, I find it odd that you manage to keep a mare around you at all.” Luna jibed.

“It’s because I’m sexy and exotic. Who cares what I say when I look this good?” I borrowed one of Zoolander’s poses, though I hated the movie.

“You’re so full of hot air, I’m rather surprised that you don’t float.” Celestia said cheekily. I do in water.

“It’s because I spend so much time talking, it helps vent the excess.”

Celestia rolled her eyes and we were allowed to eat lunch. We had some polite conversation, but Luna just wanted to compliment me on fucking up Blueballs’ smug face. Eventually, Celestia cracked a smile and noted how satisfying it was to see him being taken down a notch, which I found to be a little fucked up since they were both supposed to be his aunts. I suppose that you can only be a prick for so long before no one likes you any more, and in that respect, I saw myself in Blueballs’ shoes. I could see myself being caustic enough to ward anyone from getting close to me, but it’s not like I was that self centered. At the very least, I would push people away so I wouldn't hurt them, not because I thought I was better than them.

We finished up with lunch soon after starting it, though I continued to munch on things while we were getting stuff wrapped up. For some odd reason, ever since I’d started using Dark Magic, I was ravenous around meal times and would practically inhale whatever was in front of me. I managed to keep things polite, but it was like dumping gas onto a fire most days, and it only petered out when I consumed food like I was trying to put on weight. There are worse things to gorge yourself on when you consider that my diet consists mostly of plants and pasta, but it meant that I had to keep a well stocked pantry if I didn’t want to go shopping every day.

Celestia was kind enough to teleport me back home once I’d gathered my crap, so I wrote Twilight a note telling her that I was home. She didn’t reply, so I decided to stop by the next day so she could have some time to cool down. However, that meant that I had the day to myself if I wanted it, so I caught my journals up to literally this point. I might go grab some juice, might have myself a smoke.

I guess we’ll see what happens next.

Author's Note

Seriously, this chapter was f*cked before editing. Shit was real bad

Do the usual sh*t. You know what it is by now.

As Always, Stay Cool, Kids.

Chapter Twenty-Nine: What Is It Good For?
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Twenty-Nine: What Is It Good For?

Author's Note

We'll be getting away from romance soon enough. The trip oughta be fun

Do the usual shit. Like, comment, let me know what you think. I'm actually curious: What do you think of Max picking and sticking with Twilight?

As Always, Git Gud

Stay Cool, Kids.

Chapter Twenty-Nine: What Is It Good For?

I didn’t want to do anything with the rest of my day when I came home from kicking Blueballs’ face in, but I knew that lazing about was stupid and pointless, so I forced myself to go and do something social. I could have cheated and counted some one on one time with Noir as doing my due diligence, but I figured that I wouldn’t risk the scolding for ignoring my other friends in Ponyville. With that settled, I grabbed my favorite charcoal grey jacket and headed towards town. I didn’t really have a set destination in mind, but I figured that I could always go see Mary for a legitimate social visit since I was in town. It occurred to me that I could stop by the Lock Pad and catch up a little with Onyx Lock for a while. I liked the guy pretty well, and through his gruff exterior, I think he’d taken a shine to me. I hadn’t really talked to him since learning that he'd been an Operative, so I figured he could spare a little time from the daily monotony.

I walked in the Lock Pad and greeted Knuckle Duster, Onyx’s assistant. I may have mentioned him before, but the guy always struck me as an interesting character worthy of mention. He was built like a fucking lorry, nearly as big as Onyx himself, but a little thinner around the waist. I figured he’d be a nice guy to have around if I ever wanted someone looking out for me, so I started up a conversation.

“So, Knuckle Duster. How long have you been working for the big pink prick?” I asked casually.

“Uh… I dunno?” He answered meekly. Something’s not right.

“Let me try that again. How many months have you worked for Onyx?”

Duster’s eyes darted from side to side, looking for an answer he wasn’t finding. “I’m sorry, I just don’t know.”

I didn’t want the guy to have a panic attack or something, so I went easy on him. “Relax, mate. It’s not like I’m trying to interrogate you or anything, just trying to learn about a friend of a friend.”

He eased up a bit. “Yeah. Alright.”

“You don’t say much do you?” I inquired.

“Well, not really…” I sense a disturbance in the force.

“I think I hear an unspoke ‘unless’ in there somewhere.” I commented.

“Well… It’s just that when I start talking about stuff I like to ponies, they get this weird look on their face.” He said.

“Try me. I’m told I can be a good listener.”

“Well, I was thinking about the way the universe works and I was wondering if there’s such a thing as a connection between an event, or two points in space, or perhaps even time, but what I’m really curious about is how time, space, and our perception of them changes depending on what magic we use. Of course time in Equestria works in a way that doesn’t allow anything that hasn’t happened to happen without disturbing the fabric of space and time in and of itself, but what if we could somehow source enough magic to break the limitations of time and grab whatever resources we need from branching paths? I know it sounds a bit barbaric if you think of it as a war of time, but what’s stopping us from being the only timeline that has such a power-”

I cut him off with a hand gesture. “Mate, your hypothesis is flawed. If it was possible to create different branching paths of time, then surely someone would have given up the secret by now, and you yourself said that time in Equestria is somewhat cyclical. You’re saying that if we could breach time and take resources from other periods in time, but if that was possible, the planet would have already been stripped of its resources. Basically, you sound smart, but you’re not making any fucking sense.”

Duster blinked at me. “...Now that I think about it, you’re right. I guess I just blurt out half formed thoughts sometimes.”

“Don’t worry about it too much. It’s just the nature of the intelligent to say those kinds of things, though I’m honestly surprised that you even know what half of the words you said meant.”

He shrugged. “I like Quantum Theory.”

“You should stop by the library some time. I’ve browsed some of Twilight’s more obscure books on theories, and I think you might find something you like.” I suggested.

He gave me a little smile. “I will. Thanks Baron!”

I rolled my eyes. “This Baron has a name. Call me Max, Duster.”

He looked at me like I’d grown a third head. “Sure, but most ponies call me Knuckle.”

I curled my lip. “That implies that you’re dumb. I won’t insult your intelligence unless you make me, though I am curious as to how you got stuck in the closet that one time.”

He blushed and scratched his head. “I kinda just tune out sometimes. If nopony asks me about anything specific, I can just give them short answers.”

“I understand that. I’m gonna go talk to your boss, have a good one, mate.”

“You too, bud.”

With that, I headed on back since no one stopped me. It’s not like I wasn’t supposed to be there or anything, so it was fine until someone said something about it. I found Onyx picking some locks and remembered that I’d been meaning to ask him about something for awhile, but he was busy at the moment, so I grabbed a stool for myself and found some tools to start working on locks with. Months without practice had made me pretty rusty, but once I felt the first couple of tumblers sink into position, I started getting better. It took me twelve minutes to crack the lock, but I figured that it was still a decent time for not having done it since that Trixie blowhard had shuffled into town.

“You do realize that was about a six out of ten, right?” Onyx asked me bluntly,

“On my performance or the lock itself?”

“Yes. Why are you here?” Way to be conversational.

I shrugged. “Figured I needed to stop neglecting my non-female friends if I wanted to keep them. I also need some portable picks, if you have them.”

Onyx grunted and walked through his orderly shop, stopping every now and again to pick something up. He returned with a set of ten picks and a mat that could be used to store them. He fitted the picks into their correct places and folded the small wallet-like thing before waving it in the air.

“This crap is hard to find and hard to make. It’ll cost you five bits per pick.”

“So fifty? No problem at all if it’s an investment in my future freedom.” I tossed him a fifty bit coin and he tossed me the pouch.

“Good doing business with you.” He grumbled. “So are you here to talk about something or what? I’ve got lunch in five minutes, so either make it snappy or wait.”

“Whatever’s better for you, buttercup.” I said cheekily.

Onyx picked up a padlock and threw it at me. I learned the rules of dodgeball from an early age, so I did what came naturally and ducked. Sadly, he was aiming for my chest, so I ducked straight into the lock. I think that was the first time I ever heard Onyx laugh, so I guess that was a plus. I just wished he hadn’t been laughing at me, but beggars can’t be choosers and all that nonsense.

I cooled my heels while Onyx got his shit put up and prepared for lunch. We didn’t go anywhere, so I don’t know why he’d acted like we were going to leave. I chalked it up to being old and started telling Onyx about how I fell for Twilight because that was pretty much the biggest event so far. He didn’t want to hear any of my ‘mushy garbage’, which meant that I was pretty much down to current events. The thing with Prick Blueballs was pretty damn current, so I told him about how I’d wrecked the guys shit after he’d been a pompous arsehole. Onyx asked if I was talking about Prince Blueblood and he gave me my money back for the picks, citing my domination of Blueballs as payment enough, though he wished that he could’ve seen it for himself. I told him I would let him know if I ever decided to fight him again, just in case I wanted to vent some anger on someone who hated me for what I was born as.

Onyx told me about some of his dealings with the mares in his life and we found out that we were wiener cousins through Mary. I mentioned that I was about to go see her for a social visit later, and he told me to avoid the back door. I didn't want to know, and I didn’t want to ask, so I changed the topic to the other mare he was seeing. I didn’t know anyone by the name of Blueberry Tart, so we didn’t talk about her very long. Still, it was nice to talk to another guy about guy stuff. Spike was alright and Macintosh had gotten cool, but the Dragon was just too young to broach some topics with and Macintosh had a penchant for not saying much if you weren’t dealing with his family, so it’s not like I had many opportunities, especially in a female heavy town like Ponyville. Male company was a commodity around here, regardless of your sex.

I had to ask Onyx where he picked up a character as interesting as Knuckle Duster, but the guy couldn’t really give me a straight answer. He’d told me that he’d just found the guy wandering around Ponyville one day and took a liking to him, so Onyx asked Duster to work in his shop and the rest was history. No one knew where the guy was from or really anything about him other than his name. He’d stuck me as a decent sort, but I was a little leery of people who just showed up without anyone noticing. People like that tended to be dangerous, though I trusted Onyx’s judgement.

I parted with Onyx around four, so I went to go visit Mary for a little bit and hoped that she wasn’t busy. She would either be doing things she was supposed to be doing, or she would be ‘playing’ until someone burst in through the door. The amount of times I’d caught her with her heels on her desk was a little ridiculous, but what happened afterwards was usually pretty fun, so it was a net positive if you ask me.

After a brief exchange of pleasantries, Mary’s receptionist told me to go on ahead and gave me the familiar knowing smile that she always had whenever I stopped by. I didn’t know if she could hear her boss from downstairs, or if Mary had just told her what went on, but either way, I was pretty sure that the receptionist knew what Mary spent most of her day doing.

I didn’t feel like knocking before I came in, so I didn’t. For once, Mary was actually doing some work. “Hullo there, Ms. Busy.”

Mary looked up and gave me a smile. “If it isn’t everypony’s favorite Baron! How can I help you, Max?”

“Just stopped by to say hi and see what you were up to. It’s weird to see you actually doing paperwork.” I said cheekily.

Mary colored slightly and coughed. “I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that you just happen to catch me at bad times.”

“Right. How many times have I caught you doing something other than Mayor stuff?” I asked.

“...Point taken. As much as I would like to entertain you for a couple of hours, I really must get this done. Maybe we could reschedule?”

“Sounds like a plan to me, though I’ll have to figure out how mad my lover is at me. If she’s upset, then I’m afraid I’ll have to take a raincheck until I’m out of the doghouse.”

“Oh? Did you add another mare to your list?” Mary grinned.

“No, she was actually one of my girlfriends, but then I fell for her pretty hard. It’s actually Twilight Sparkle.”

Mary’s eyes widened. “Really? I was almost certain that you would go for Fluttershy since she’s, well, her. Don’t get me wrong,” She added quickly, “Twilight is a lovely mare, but I just never thought that it would work out between you two.”

“Twilight and I are actually alike in more ways than you might think, and our relationship has always been different to say the least. Fluttershy and I had a great physical connection and we got along well enough, but there’s just something about Twilight. It might be the fact that she’s super intelligent, or that she’s been a good friend to me through and through, but I just can’t imagine anyone else taking her spot.”

Mary gave me a warm smile. “Well, I’m glad to hear that you’ve found yourself a good mare to settle down with, even if it’s not the one I’d thought you would end up with. Give Twilight my best next time you see her, will you?”

“I will. Have a good evening, Mary.”

“You too, sweetie. Next time, bring me some coffee, will you?”

I rolled my eyes. “If you’d get your legs off of your desk and onto the floor, you could walk to go get it yourself.”

Mary blushed bright red and I left, chuckling my arse off. I liked getting the last word, especially when it was something amusing. Unfortunately, having finished my visit with Mary rather quickly, I now had no excuse to not visit Twilight since I was in town already. At least, that’s what I thought until I talked myself into going home to avoid her fury for a little while longer. I would have just gone and faced the music, but I didn’t feel like being yelled at by anyone and having Twilight be mad at me in person sucks something fierce, so I just went home.

I cleaned up a little, but there wasn’t much to do, so that didn’t eat up much of my spare time, so I sat on my couch and threw some more ideas for A Star Crossed Love on some paper. Nothing seemed to stick very well, so I gave up after an hour of faffing about with half formed concepts. Without anything else to do, I figured that I could get away with visiting with Noir, so I assumed the position and three breaths later, I was in my mindscape.

This time, we were in the Constabulary in Wiltshire. Noir was about to say something when I switched the scene to a place that hadn’t caused severe trauma. “That was fucked up, Noir.”

She lifted her hands in a placating gesture. “I meant no harm, Max. I was simply exploring, and my search took me here. I should have altered the scene before you arrived, but I thought you would be able to handle it.”

“Just because I can doesn’t mean that I want to.” I said.

“...So you chose your childhood home instead?”

“Not the best choice, but at least I’ve already made my peace with what happened here.” I sighed. I closed my eyes and changed the scenery again, this time going to the park in Ponyville.

Noir looked around for a moment before picking a direction to walk in. I followed her since I was interested in what she was doing, but the further we went the more obvious it became that we were heading toward the Everfree. We would be safe in my mind, but I didn’t like the thought of going into the Everfree without a good reason in the first place. I kept my feelings to myself for the time being and continued trailing along behind Noir, watching her tail swish from time to time. I snuck up behind her and tried to pluck one of her feathers, just to see if she would let me do it, but she whacked me with a wing when I got too close.

“Plucking an Alicorn’s feathers is considered a great offense, Maximus.” Noir stated plainly.

“Then I’ll keep that in mind. Can I have one of your feathers?” I asked.

Noir gave me a look. “No. I’m not going to give you something so you can try to tickle me.”

I imagined a feather like the one The Watcher had given me in the Everfree. “I can always make my own stuff to tickle you with.” I poked her with the feather.

Noir rolled her eyes. “Do you ever tire of being a fool, or is it just your natural default?”

I shrugged. “You would know better than I would. You spend your days in my head, and you know what I think and how I feel.”

“True enough. You do tire of being a fool at times, but you feel that you have to keep yourself entertained in some way.”

“Yup. Life is boring enough as it is. If I don’t make things fun, then who will?”

Noir made an about face and strode up to me. “I can make things fun for you.”

I looked up at her. “You already do, whenever I spend time with you.”

She did something rather unexpected and grabbed my gentleman’s sausage. She didn’t say a word and looked me in the eye for one long, awkward minute. I was afraid to move, just in case she didn’t want me to go anywhere. Noir literally had me by the bollocks, and I wasn’t too sure how I felt about that.

“...If this is your way of coming onto me, you need to work on your approach.” I told her.

“I was wondering how long it would take you to say something.”

We stared at each other for a while longer. “...So are you going to let go?”

Noir’s face started twitching before she cracked up for no apparent reason. I was just glad that she’d let me go without squeezing too hard. Once she calmed down a bit, she said, “I can’t believe it took you five minutes to ask me to let you go!”

“Well, you literally held my life in your hand, so I wasn’t going to risk pissing you off. No man will ever be that foolish.” I said petulantly.

Noir broke into some more giggles and I started throwing sex toys of various sizes and shapes at her. I didn’t throw them very hard, but it was amusing to watch rubber dildos bounce off of her. I would have just buried her in them and called it a day since she apparently liked dick that much, however, Noir started making them disappear after the first ten or so. I thought that it was a bit cheaty, but then again, I was conjuring ammo from the ether, so I can really talk about fair.

I wanted to shift the scene and do something else, but if Noir wanted to walk, then walk we would. The fake day was pretty nice, so it’s not like I had any real reason to complain other than the fact that I didn't really want to go back into the Everfree if I wasn’t going to get to hunt something. Noir briefly addressed that thought and told me that we could hunt something while we were there from her own memories. I jumped at the opportunity to take down something that Noir considered a worthy opponent, so I girded my loins and prepared for the worst. She said that she set it loose about the forest and that it would come to us eventually, thus I needed to stay on my guard. Advanced perception goes a long way in making sure that you don’t get caught napping, so I kept an ear open for any sudden movements in the brush. I didn’t hear anything for about thirty minutes, so I was starting to get a little jumpy. There wasn’t much noise in the forest because there weren’t individual animals there to make any of the noises, meaning that it was eerily silent for the Everfree.

Up until I heard an earth-shattering roar, all seemed well. The ground shook at the ferocity of the sound, and it seemed to come from all directions. I stuck close to Noir since I didn’t know what we were hunting anyways, and when I asked out of curiosity, she just smiled and told me to hang on to my underpants. I found that to be a bit ominous, so I conjured up a Needler from Halo because it seemed like a cool thing to go with at the time. I looked around for the source of the roar until it sounded again, much closer this time. I followed Noir’s eyes, but all I saw was more empty forest.

With nothing to gain and probably nothing to lose, I decided to forgo any weapons that I didn’t have on me when I entered the forest and Noir complimented my decision to do things the right way. I told her that I was going to be pissed if dying in my mind killed me in real life, and Noir just laughed at me, which I found to be a little rude. She assured me that she didn’t mean to be rude without me saying anything and I told her that it was rude to read minds. Noir rolled her eyes and pointed in a random direction. I followed her finger, and I saw something that looked like a hybrid of a bear, a lion, and jellyfish. It walked on all fours, had a head like a large bear, but the grace of a fully grown lion. Frail looking tentacles made up its mane and more spines jutted out from its back, giving it the feel of some semi aquatic creature.

“Noir, what in the bloody fuck is that thing?” I asked.

“That, my dear Human, is a Lursite.” Noir gave me a smile.

“Why is it so loud?” The Lursite froze in place, glaring at us.

“Because it is a naughty creature. Very unfriendly and rather lethal.”

“...So can I kill it?” I inquired.

Noir beamed. “The real question is whether or not you’ll survive that long. Let the games begin!”

The Lursite let loose another eardrum rending roar that I conjured up some headphones to help block out. Shit was seriously unpleasant to the old hearing holes, so I figured that making myself a little more comfortable wouldn’t hurt. I stared down the Lursite for a few more seconds before Noir made her move, leaping through the air and bringing forth a claymore from thin air. At the pinnacle of her leap, she began her swing and brought it down on the Lursite with killing intent. I watched as Noir’s blade barely pierced the beast’s hide, which made me a little giddy. I decided not to let Noir have all the fun and ran in after her a few seconds after her strike. The Lursite was a bit cumbersome, but its swipes were quick enough to be deadly if it caught you. I kept that in mind as I dashed through its front paws and tried to slam Nacht home into its underbelly. I realized why Noir’s sword had barely done anything; the creature’s fur was so unbelievably thick that I could barely get the dagger to its flesh.

I ducked and dodged underneath the creature before rocketing out to attack it from the side. It’s tentacles waved in the air and creeped me out a fair deal, so I started hacking away at those. The Lursite wasn’t happy about that at all, and turned its head to give me one Hell of a roar. I actually got stunned like I was playing some MMO or something, but the sheer volume had left me with precious few other choices, and I was pretty sure that I would have gotten taken out then and there if Noir didn’t run interference for the time it took me to get my bearings. Once I did, I was pissed.

Mr. Nice Guy had gotten blown away with the roar, and Mr. Prick was back in action. I put some distance between myself and the Lursite, preparing to strike it with my telekinesis. I focused my tentacle into a spear tip and coiled it up to give it a little extra power, and with one fluid motion, I sent it hurtling towards the Lursite, taking its front left leg. I had pierced straight through it in my frustration, but since I was working at the edge of my telekinetic limit, the damage wasn't as grave as I would have liked it to be, so I closed in a little and prepared another strike.

With my last move, I’d gotten the creature’s attention, despite Noir annoying it with some handy bladework. It swept its thick tail, sweeping Noir off of her feet to face the real threat; Me. I was oh so willing to stab this fucker in the face, so I cocked the tentacle back and let it loose, aiming for one of the creature’s eyes. Sadly, my aim failed me, which meant that I was now staring down something easily five times my size, and that thing wanted my bumhole in a portable cup. I drew the Warbling Blade and took a second to focus it into its serrated, hot knife form before rushing the Lursite for another go at it, slicing and stabbing as I dashed through its front paws again. My gambit proved foolish because the heavy piece of shit just laid down on me.

That was a mistake on its part. I used my tentacle to surround myself so I wouldn’t get crushed immediately and started working on recreating a scene from Star Wars. I hacked away at the beast’s belly until it rose, pouring blood all over me. I didn’t let up there, preferring to get nice and dirty with the job since I was already covered in its vital fluids. Clinging to its fur, I sliced and gouged until I had carved out a sizable chunk of its flesh. My stomach churned when I thought about the grisly task, but I was deep in the sick pleasures of a life and death moment, and my opponent was a fearsome one.

Sadly, I miscalculated the time I was supposed to spend under the beast because it suddenly hopped back, leaving me exposed to an attack, and attack it did. I felt a lot of things when it swept me away with one of its paws, but luckily. once I could wrap my head around the pain of having half of the bones in my body broken at once, I remembered that I could heal myself. I was a little shaken from that, so I needed a moment to get my head together, but it’s not like I had to rush. Noir had jumped back into the fray while I was chopping away at the Lursite and was keeping it busy better than I had, hopping all around the beast wearing it down. I’d caused considerable damage with the Warbling Blade, but that hadn’t really slowed it down much since it was fighting even harder for its life. I hated that we hadn’t been able to make it a quick, painless kill, but the thing was fucking tough and it probably would have killed Noir and I if we weren’t in the dreamscape, so I didn’t feel all that bad.

I got off my lazy arse and ran back to join Noir in taking down our formidable foe. Since going under it hadn’t worked, I tried climbing on top of it, taking fistfulls of its fur to make my journey a little easier. The Lursite barely even noticed my presence with Noir handling the majority of its attention, so I did the first thing that came to mind: I cut its tail off with my tentacle. The creature stopped suddenly, but Noir didn’t, preferring to keep up her relentless assault on the beast. The Lursite turned its head and ignored her completely, staring at me on its back. I waved and it let loose a roar that actually did blow my eardrums, leaving me stunned again, but this time, it didn’t allow me to rest. I nearly got stepped on, but thankfully, Noir is the best person to have on your side in a fight. She used some of her magic to create a shell around me so that I wouldn’t be instantly crushed, and while I was in that shell, I took the time to heal the damage I’d accrued.

I cut my way out with the Warbling Blade and rose to join the fight. The Lursite had focused on Noir and was constantly roaring at her, trying to stun her. I wasn’t having anymore of this creature’s bullshit, so I formed my telekinetic tentacle into a spear point again, but I wasn’t aiming for a leg or something like that this time. The Lursite had wrecked my arse twice, so I was going to do the same to it. I took careful aim and thrust my tentacle at it’s most vulnerable point. Instead of roaring, it let out the most pitiful squeak and laid down before rolling over onto its back.

Noir walked around the creature and watched as it healed itself. She joined me at its rear and asked, “Was that really necessary? I am rather sure that we could have slain the beast without resorting to such filthy tactics.”

“When in doubt, shove something up it’s arse, baby. That little idiom has gotten me through many a fight.” I grinned and stopped acting like I was in some hentai.

The Lursite rolled back onto its belly and stayed there with its newly formed tail between its legs. “Despicable. If I had known that a Lursite could be quelled by sticking something into its buttocks, exterminating them would have been so much easier.”

“A lot of things can be calmed down by doing that. It’s like grabbing someone’s dick and expecting them to want to continue fighting.” I said.

“I grabbed your phallus and you chose to fight the Lursite.” Noir pointed out.

“Yes, but you weren’t grabbing my dick while we were fighting the Lursite.” I walked around to the front of the creature and it buried its muzzle in its paws. “I think I might have domesticated it.”

“I imagine that having something shoved into that place would make most creatures wary of you.” Noir surmised drily before joining me. “Remind me to never push you that far.”

“If you don’t break most of my bones, then you won’t have to worry about it. Try and kill me quick, if you want to do it at all.”

“I would not try to kill you. You know this already.” Noir said, sounding a bit offended.

“Don’t take it to heart, love, I’m not saying that you’re actively after my life. I’m not even saying that you’re after my life at all.”

Noir pursed her lips. “Then we can leave this conversation behind. Do you want to finish slaying the Lursite?”

I reached out to it and stroked its head. The Lursite took one of its paws off of its nose and looked at me expectantly. “I don’t think so. It’s not the prettiest creature, but it did put up one Hell of a fight. I think it deserves a bit of dignity after what I did to it.”

She nodded and the scene changed to the beach that I had visited with Celestia and Luna when I was tripping on snake venom. I conjured up a mirror and some bathing suits before changing myself into Roxy so I could admire my figure. I tried changing my skin color to see if I was any sexier with a tan, but I was happy with my paleness, so I just magicked on something nice and blue. Noir chose a modest one piece that I thought was nice, if not a little plain.

“My choice in attire is perfectly fine.” She huffed, shoving me. “Just because you are a slut does not mean that I share your vain tendencies.”

“Oi, I’m not… Well, I might be a bit of a slut, but how can you fault me for finding myself attractive? Isn’t it important to be comfortable and to like yourself?” I grinned.

“Your attraction to yourself is extremely narcissistic. Do you not remember the days when you were uneasy wearing a female’s undergarments?” Noir shook her head.

“Yeah, I remember those days, but then I started thinking that I was hot. Is it so wrong to want to be attractive?”

“No, but it is strange when you do so for your own sexual pleasure instead of someone else’s.”

“Oi, I try to look sexy for Twilight too! It’s just that she’s not always around and I don’t want to send her pictures all the time because I never know when Spike might find them.”

“I know this, you do not have to explain yourself.” Noir closed her eyes and conjured up a canopy tent for us.

I made a couple of reclining chairs for us and had a seat. “Does it bother you that I find Roxy so attractive?”

“Yes. It is most likely a result of your being violated on multiple occasions. Subconsciously, you wish that you were someone else so that you could have lived a different life, and Roxy fulfills that desire for you. She is like a second skin that you can wear, and when you do, you feel clean, the exact opposite of how you feel in your normal body. I could tell you that you are a good person that deserves to be happy, but you would not internalize it coming from me. Perhaps you will come to your senses after a few more years with Twilight. “

“...It sucks when your psychoanalyzation makes me sound like a fucking lunatic. What kind of guy gets his jollies from changing sexes like he changes clothes?” I asked, put off.

“A damaged individual that looks for ways to heal. I do not believe that your attraction to Roxy will negatively affect you, though some may find your ability to change without missing a beat to be a bit odd.”

I sighed. “I’ve always been an adapter, I guess. It just sucks that I’ve been using Roxy as a crutch.”

“You really haven’t. You rarely enough change into her, and even then, your main reason for doing so is to spend more time with your friends. I would warn you if your behavior was getting out of hand. And speaking of, it is good that you did not lay Mary. If Twilight knew that you had come back to town and slept with another mare before seeing her, she would have been hurt.” Noir commended.

“I figured as much. When do you think I should go see Twilight?”

“You could see her once you finish up here. I doubt that she has remained upset, but you may want to ‘break the news’ to her gently regarding the reason you went to Canterlot.”

“Yeah, I didn’t think she would be terribly thrilled about me going to Canterlot for a duel without her, but I didn’t want her to see me lose, just in case.”

“You really should have taken her with you, and I should have told you to do so. Come to think of it, you still need to collect your reward for winning.”

“There was a reward? I thought I just got to beat up some uppity cock snot.”

Noir chuckled. “That may be a reward in and of itself, but there should be something else for you to claim, if the old ways were truly invoked. Perhaps you could write Celestia a note before you go see Twilight?”

“I could always do that, but before I go, I have a few more questions for you.” I said.

“Ask away.”

“Why is your horn broken? It looks cool, don’t get me wrong, but it’s a little weird.”

“My horn is broken because I was separated from my sister.” Noir said solemnly. “I do not wish for it to be whole while I reside within you.”

“Mood killer right away. Let’s move onto something happier like time dilation. How does that shit work in here?”

“Magic.”

“I know that, but how magic do?” I asked.

“Magic do temporal displacement. When you’re inside of your mind, I can alter your perception of the flow of time. Minutes could seem like days if I wanted them to. I do not alter time while you are not here, just in case you decide to come in. If you were to come while I was in the middle of altering time as you understand it, I could put you into a coma that may take decades to bring you out of.”

“...Have I ever mentioned how much I love the fact that you’re not evil?”

“I don’t believe you have.” Noir said airily.

“Well, I won’t start now. I will tell you that I appreciate what you do for me, even if I don’t know the half of it.”

Noir tilted her heads toward me and gave me a smile. “I know. That’s why I continue to do things for you; I know that you will not take them for granted.”

“If I ever start, just let me know that I’m being a self centered prick and I’ll knock it off. You do too much for me to treat you as anything other than a friend, or something like that.” I said sincerely.

“Something like that indeed. I suppose the bond we share surpasses any other since our souls are literally fused at a base level. It is natural for us to grow closer as time passes.” Noir said.

“I wonder what we’ll be like in a hundred years. I bet I’ll be even funnier than I am now.” I chuckled.

“You are funny? This is news to me.” Noir stated.

“Shut up before I put a saddle on you and ride you around.” I threatened.

“...You wouldn’t.”

I imagined a small saddle for a pony from my world. “Try me, love.”

“Have I ever mentioned how comedic I find your antics?” Noir said quickly.

The saddle disappeared, and I brought forth some of the cartoon ponies I’d seen while tripping. Noir and I poked and prodded at them for awhile until I made them larger so we could go for a ride. Noir ended up picking the Celestia pony because she still felt some left over jealousy from Luna, though I held my tongue. I did notice that Noir seemed to enjoy riding Celestia more than she should have, but in fairness, I’d enjoyed it plenty when Celestia rode me so I guess I can’t really say anything. I browsed through my small selection of ponies and decided to go with Twilight since I figured she would be a good pony. I was proven wrong three minutes later when she bucked out of nowhere and threw me into the sand, and Noir laughed at my misfortune until Celestia took off into the sky before dropping her into the ocean. I had a chuckle at that waded into the water to find Noir. She surfaced a good ways into the water and lazily teleported herself back onto dry land like she didn’t have perfectly fine arms and legs.

Noir chided me for calling her lazy and kicked me out of my own mindscape so I would still have time to go see Twilight. It was starting to get late, so I threw on a little of her favorite cologne, styled my hair a little bit, and got to walking so I could catch her before she went to sleep. I passed some ducks on the way to Twilight and I was certain that they were the same ducks I had seen last time, but now they were away from their stand. I decided not to bother them since they weren’t bothering me, but my stomach growled and my inner predator was starting to come out. I wanted some roast duck, but that would have been unnecessary since I could go into the Everfree and get my own meat sometime soon. I thought about steak the rest of the way to Twilight’s place and caught myself drooling once.

I really need some meat.

Arriving at Twilight’s felt like it hadn’t taken as long as it usually did, though I was pretty sure that it was because I was expecting to get bitched at. I knocked on the door and Spike answered it, but instead of letting me in, he stepped out.

“Dude, Twilight is so not happy with you.” He warned.

“I figured as much. How do I smell?” I asked casually.

He gave me a weird look and sniffed me. “Good, I guess. Is that really what you should be worried about?”

“You’ll learn eventually. When a girl is mad at you, every little thing can help you out, even just smelling good.”

“Right. Good luck, dude.” He sighed before opening the door.

I followed him in and he pointed me toward the library, so I assumed that was where Twilight resided. My assumption was correct; Twilight was reading multiple books at the same time and taking notes as she went along. I posted up on a wall and watched her do her thing until she realized that I was in the room. When she looked at me, I gave her a little wave and came to sit next to her.

“Max.” She said tersely.

“Yes, cherry?” I asked.

“Why would you go to fight someone and only tell me when you’re on your way?”

“Because I had the sneaking suspicion that you were going to try and stop me, which wasn’t really an option-”

“That’s not true and you know it.” Twilight said hotly. “Duels haven’t been honored in Equestria for dozens of years!”

“That’s true, but if I backed down to some stuck up prick, what would that say about me?” I asked patiently.

“It would say that you’re not reckless or foalish enough to get mad at everypony who doesn’t like you!”

“Then we’ll have to agree to disagree.” I stated. “I thought it was a necessary evil.”

Twilight glared at me. “Next time, don’t leave town without talking to me.”

“I’ll be sure to see you before I leave again.” I assured her.

Twilight sniffed. “You’d better.”

I leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. “Can we stop being mad and go back to being goofy? I like being goofy.”

Twilight crossed her arms. “You’re always goofy.”

“Yes, but you’re not goofy right now.” I gave her another peck.

Twilight turned towards me and levelled a withering look my way, but I ignored it and went for a kiss that she tried to pull away from. I followed her with my lips, not breaking contact until she eventually gave up and returned it. The power of kisses is strong, and Twilight is susceptible to their magic when I utilize them, which I abused when I needed to. I let Twilight push me back a little and looked at her, waiting for her to speak.

“It bothers me when you don’t think about other ponies, Max. You’re usually so good about it.” Twilight said neutrally.

“I just didn’t think you’d be interested in watching me potentially kill someone. I didn’t know what the rules of the contest were when I accepted, which was my fault and I apologize for not gathering information before rushing off.”

She turned a little green at the mention of murder, but skipped it. “At least you know what mistakes were made.” She pursed her lips and sighed. “I really don’t want to ask because it feels like I’m condoning violence, but did you at least win?”

“Without taking a single hit. It was a brutal lesson in not picking fights with Operatives.” I grinned.

Twilight tried to give me a disapproving look, but I knew she was proud that I’d come out on top. “Bad Max! Hurting ponies isn’t right!”

“Oi, I wouldn’t have hurt the guy if he didn’t try to cheat. Well, I wouldn’t have hurt him as badly.” I couldn’t stop my smile.

Twilight gave me a worried look. “Your opponent tried to cheat?”

“Yeah, he got a blade that wouldn’t allow Celestia’s sparring spell to take effect for longer than a few seconds. I agreed to fight him anyway because I knew from the way he stood that he wasn’t worth a damn with a knife.” I chuckled. “Seriously, it was painfully obvious. You probably could have taken him, at least, during this week.”

Twilight colored slightly. “Max, I can’t believe you took a completely unnecessary risk without even considering the consequences! What would happen if you got hurt? What if you would have gotten killed!?”

I gave her a look. “I’m practically immortal for the next three hundred years. I’ve told you that. I didn’t take a risk at all, cherry, I knew he didn’t stand a chance. Even if he would have gotten a lucky swing off, Celestia was meters away and I would have come back anyway.”

That took some of the wind from Twilight’s sails. “Oh yeah. I forgot about that whole ‘undying’ thing. I guess that’s going to take some getting used to.”

“Especially in the bedroom. My dick don’t quit, baby.” I said cheesily.

“Dude!” I heard Spike call out from the kitchen.

“Sorry mate! Still hasn’t happened yet!” I called back.

“Max, Shut up!” Twilight burned bright red and whacked me a few good times.

“Sorry, but how else was I supposed to tell him I was kidding?” I said with a grin, shying away from her blows.

“You could have said you were kidding! It’s literally that easy!”

“Oh yeah, would you look at that. Hey look, an owl!” I pointed at a bird I hadn’t noticed before.

Twilight barely spared it a glance. “That’s Owlowiscious. Have you seriously never seen him before?”

“Oddly enough, no, I haven’t.” I turned from Twilight to Owlo… Actually, fuck that long ass name. It’s Owl with a capital ‘O’ from here on. I turned from Twilight to Owl. “How’s it going, mate?”

Owl hooted and said, “Not bad. Found a couple of mice in a field earlier.”

“Sounds like a pretty good snack to me.” I commented.

Owl fluttered his wings. “It was. I try not to eat around Ponies too often, but Twilight gives me some non-alive stuff from time to time. It’s cool.”

“She’s pretty great, isn’t she? I’m rather fond of Twilight myself.”

“She is a good master. Is there something you wanted to ask me about?” Owl asked.

Twilight looked between us. “I forgot that you could talk to animals. What’s Owl saying?”

“We’re just chatting at the moment. He was saying how he likes that you give him food and that you’re a good master.” I relayed.

Twilight smiled. “Well thank you, Owl! I’ll be sure to give you plenty to eat.”

Owl fluttered his wings again. “Tell her that I don’t like peanuts.”

I turned to Twilight. “He says he doesn’t like peanuts.”

She blinked at me. “Well, that’s easy enough to fix. What does he like?”

“Nothing you’d be willing to get for him.” I said. Owl bobbed his head in agreement. I addressed him. “I don’t have any questions for you, but thanks for being pleasant.”

“No problem. Bring me a mouse sometime.” Owl requested.

“If I find another one of the Kendani in my garden, I’ll let you know. Actually, just come to my place whenever. You’ll catch them more easily than I can.” I said.

“I might do that. Is Lupa still gone on her quest?” Owl asked.

“Yeah,” I responded softly.

“I wish the both of you luck. It will not be an easy journey.”

“I know. She’ll make it through.” I assured him.

“What are you two talking about now?” Twilight asked.

“Lupa. I think the conversation is over now.” Owl nodded. “And so it is.”

“It’s so cool that you can talk to animals!” Twilight’s earlier frustrations were forgotten, apparently.

“If I was still close with the Naga, I’d ask if I could get enough Hizketan Baia for you to be able to talk to animals too. Sadly, I haven’t seen them in a while.”

Twilight gave me an odd look. “The Naga gave you the berries that killed you?”

“In their defense, no one knew that they were poisonous to me.” I said.

“Yes, but are you sure you want to be friends with ponies that got you killed? I mean, that’s pretty… Unwise, isn’t it?”

I gave her a deadpan look. “Really?”

Twilight looked confused before she realized what I was talking about. “W-Wait, that’s different!”

“Yeah, Applejack was trying to hurt me. The Naga weren’t.”

Twilight shut up until I rolled my eyes and gave her another kiss. I extended it for a little while to show that I wasn't mad at her and I only stopped because I heard Spike gag in the background.

“Shut up, shorty. You’ll be this way eventually.” I called out.

“If I ever do, remind me of this moment!” Spike called back from halfway up the stairs.

“Shitty tweenagers and their shitty shit.” I muttered.

Twilight was still lost in dreamland, so I didn’t bother snapping her out of it before going for another kiss. Seriously, the things were incredibly addictive. While we were kissing, I thought about a lot of Twilight related things that are either overly romantic or generally intimate, so I’ll skip those thoughts. When I pulled away again, Twilight had a mild blush on her face and embers in her eyes. I’d forgotten all about the arousing powers of kisses and the fact that she was still in estrus. If I didn’t want her to jump my bones, or rather, one in particular, I was going to have to slow my roll with the lip contact.

“Why’d you stop?” Twilight asked huskily.

“Because we need to breathe sometime, cherry.” I chuckled.

She blinked a couple of times and the embers were gone. “Oh, right. What were we doing before the kiss?”

“Well, I was going to offer my home to you and Spike for the night.” I said kindly.

Twilight bit her lip. “As much as I would love to, I don’t think it’s wise this week. The girls are planning a slumber party tomorrow night if you want to join us, though. We’re going to chaperone Spike, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle while they have their own slumber party.”

“So we’re not going to be doing anything terribly fun?” I asked.

“We’re going to have fun!” Twilight objected.

“No drinking, none of our usual games, and no hot tub for this one. I’m totally in, mind you, but it just doesn't sound like our usual thing.”

Twilight scrunched her nose up. “I didn’t think of it lik that. Why does drinking matter to you anyway? You quit, didn’t you?”

“Yes, I quit, but I wanted to see if anyone could beat Applejack in Quickdraw during the next party.

She rolled her eyes. “You’re the only person who stood a chance besides Big Mac. Nopony is willing to risk taking eight shots in rapid succession besides you and Applejack anyways. The only reason Fluttershy and Pinkie played is because you pressured them into it.”

“I didn’t pressure anyone into anything! I just said that the people without a win should have to play something else as punishment and Pinkie was the one who suggested a drinking game!”

“You didn’t have to suggest one of the most brutal games I’ve ever heard of!”

I laughed. “It’s not even that bad! I’m telling you, Maxwell and I used to go for three rounds at a time before we passed out.”

Twilight shook her head. “Maybe it really is a good thing that you quit drinking. It sounds like you were quite the lush.”

“I was the lushest of them, cherry. Wine was water to me for the longest.” I chuckled. “There were times where I spent my whole day, morning to night, drinking nothing but alcohol in some form.”

“That really doesn’t sound healthy…” Twilight said slowly.

“Oh, it wasn’t. It was probably one of the worst things I could do to my body, but I was young and dumb. I’m still young and dumb, but at least I’m cute “ I gave her a winsome grin.

Twilight patted my shoulder. “You are cute, but sometimes I think that might be the only thing you have going for you.”

“Oi, my lack of respect for authority has taken me quite far, thank you very much.”

Twilight chuckled and gave me a peck on the cheek. “I know, and that surprises me.” She stopped and seemed to get lost in thought before sighing sadly.

“What’s on your mind, cherry?” I asked.

Twilight gave me a weak smile. “I’m just thinking about Celestia.”

“Not Princess Celestia?”

“The Celestia I knew and loved was a lie.” She said bitterly.

“No, the Celestia you knew was the best side of her. She didn’t show you the bad stuff because she wanted you to love her, and I can’t really say that I find fault in that. I mean, I actually have lied to you so that you would like me, which isn’t really something to be proud of, but I can understand Celestia’s view.”

“It’s not just that she lied, Max, it’s that she’s hurt you so many times! Would you forgive her for hurting me?” Twilight asked.

“I still haven’t.” I admitted. “I’m not asking you to forgive her, just to see things from her side.”

Twilight bit her lip and thought for a minute or two. “...I guess I can see her side of things if you put it like that… I still don’t approve of what she did to you.”

I wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close. “And I love you a little more for that. When you’re ready, Celestia is willing to talk to you about some stuff. I told her that if I found out that she wiped your mind, I’d kill her, so don’t worry about returning with fewer memories”

“Aww, when I translate that into Twilight Talk, it sounds like you’re really protective of me!” Twilight gushed. She gave me a couple of pecks on the cheek as a reward.

“What do you mean ‘Twilight Talk’?” I asked.

She blushed. “Well, when you start talking about really dark stuff like killing ponies, I just think of it like you said something else, like that you were going to ‘hug’ Celestia instead of killing her. It’s nicer this way.”

I patted her head. “Who’s my innocent little lover? You are! Yes you are!”

Twilight giggled and swatted my hand away. “Stop it! I’m not that innocent!”

I gave her a good hug and chuckled. “You say that, but we know better.”

Twilight pushed me off of her and gave me one last kiss before hinting that I should get back to my own house. I didn’t want to leave, and normally she wouldn’t have asked me to, but we’d agreed that we weren’t going to stay the night at each other’s places while I was male and she was in estrus. It was a sucky rule, but at least I’d be with her for three weeks out of four, so I couldn’t complain that much without sounding like some kind some kind of whiny baby bitch boy. Alliterative insults always make me smile.

I didn’t really have anything to do when I went home, so I caught my journals up and visited with Noir again. She took me canoeing down some river that I’d never seen and we did that for a couple hours, taking the occasional break to eat lunch on a beach or shoal. We talked about random stuff, but never broached anything terribly deep since we’d mutually agreed that we would talk about important stuff once per day, and that if I saw her multiple times, that we would save the other visits for ‘us time’.

It was a nice way to wind down after a day, long or short, and I was glad that I had a semi-parasitic being of Dark Magic residing in the deepest depths of my soul. I considered panicking and just generally being recalcitrant towards the whole ordeal, but there was nothing that was going to change by bitching. I figured as much when Luna first told me that Noir was bonded to my soul: If she was telling me about it and not doing something, then it was probably there for good. It still bothered me a little that Noir knew literally everything about me, but things were easier once I thought about the fact that she’s literally stuck in my mind with no way out. We were both stuck in an unfortunate situation, but we were making the best of it. Honestly, it’s an incredible stroke of luck that our personalities work together, otherwise, we’d both be miserable and that just wouldn’t do, now would it?
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next morning was dark, but that’s because I woke up before dawn. I had the same problem I had last night concerning things to do, but at least I would have something later in the day. I slumped my way out of bed, kinda made it, picked out some clothes, and got my morning shit done because that’s how I do. After all that noise, I put seven eggs into an omelette and scarfed it down because I was fucking ravenous. I considered having a snack after that, but I didn’t want to test my metabolism more than I already had, so I settled for some cider and spent some time writing A Thousand Moments.

I actually finished the book the way I’d originally planned, which mildly surprised me. About halfway through, I’d given up and syncing up my ending, but somehow, it had gotten back on track. I blame the previous day’s visit with Twilight, seeing as how she seemed to be my muse. After sending a few notes to Twilight, I burned the transcript with Dragon Fire and sent it to her so she could make me two copies. She really was handy for writing and whatnot, and she was a great editor too. She knew how to fix spelling and grammatical errors without changing the flow of the story too much, and she was pretty good about catching them, if Stove Pipe’s lack of complaints are anything to go by.

With one book done, I took a break from romance and decided to go with another Midnight Stroll book. I figured that I’d go with the time I was hired to steal a ruby man-ring from some pumped up frat boy, though I was going to dress it up better than that, of course. I started jotting down ideas since I didn’t really have a direction I wanted to go yet, but after a few minutes, I was bursting with possible permutations, so I grabbed one of my many blank books and got to writing. I had three chapters done by noon and had held off on my bathroom break for as long as possable so that I wouldn’t lose my inspiration by taking a break from being great. I returned to find that I still had some creative juices flowing, so I sat down and pumped out another chapter before someone knocked on my door. It turned out to be Berry Blitz wearing a fetching dress and camisole combo.

“Good afternoon, boss!” She said brightly.

“Afternoon, Berry. You seem like you’re in a good mood today.” I raised a brow and gave her a crooked smile

She blushed lightly. “Well, I might have found myself a nice stallion. He seems a little spacey, but he’s really sweet!” Sounds pretty familiar.

“Is he a taller, muscular fellow with a close cropped haircut?” I asked.

Berry’s eyes widened. “Yeah! How’d you know?”

“I was talking to Duster the other day and now you show up with a boyfriend. There’s no such thing as a coincidence in Ponyville.” I said drily.

She rolled her eyes. “Of course there is, boss! Why, I’m sure that the two events had nothing to do with each other at all!” And someone missed the point.

“You’re right, Berry. Come on in whenever you’re ready, I was just faffing about.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Are you sure you weren’t cleaning again? I know you remember what I said the last time I caught you cleaning.”

I rolled my eyes. “I remember, love. I was writing up until now, if that’s what you want to hear.”

“Oh, did you make much progress in your book?” She asked, ditching the other subject.

“Actually, I finally finished it. Things got slow for a little while, but Twilight really gave me a boost.” My mouth twitched as I remembered spending time with Twilight. What can I say? She’s usually on my mind.

“Oh yeah, I forgot you were dating her! How is she? Have the Elements gotten into anymore trouble?”

“Twilight’s doing fine, and the girls haven’t done anything terribly stupid that I’m aware of. My fingers are crossed for them to flood the town or something when spring has sprung, though.”

Berry lightly swatted my arm. “Boss, that’s terrible! Even if you’re joking, you shouldn’t say stuff like that!”

I rolled my eyes and walked into my house. I wondered why every woman I knew hit me, but I just couldn’t find any reasonable explanation. I mean, I don’t go around hitting people and they rarely hit anyone else while I’m around, so I feel a little targeted. Estrogen is an evil thing.

Berry started from the top and worked her way down as she usually did, but when she reached the ground floor, she bitched at me for a solid six minutes about cleaning my own damn house. I understood that she got paid to do it, but when she only comes by every so often, what else am I supposed to do? Just let my house be dirty and live with it? I told her what I thought and that she could bugger off if she wanted me to live in a dirty house. Berry apologized for yelling at me and I told her that I just didn’t have much to do, and that cleaning was just a pastime for me. She still told me to stop cleaning, but she did so in a much nicer way.

Once Berry left, I still had plenty of time to wank or whatever before I was supposed to show up at Twilight’s for the sleepover thing, so I headed into town and did shome shopping since I had nothing else to do. I bought some more clothes because I felt like it and talked to a cobbler about having a special pair of boots made. I left the place with a grin on my face and a bounce to my step, but with that done, all I had to do was take my clothes back home and grab some snacks. I’d managed my time well enough to keep myself busy, so I was rather happy about that, but the way I had done so made me walk out of town only to come back again, so I was a little annoyed with myself about that.

I got home, threw my bags of clothes on my bed and went back to town after packing some of my sleepwear. I figured that the rule for myself and Twilight was still in effect, so I took some clothes for Roxy and mosied on down to Twilight’s house for a shindig-hoedown-apalooza. Or, rather, I was showing up for a super tame slumber party for kids. I was only halfway to Twilight’s house when I reminded myself that I didn't have to go it sober, so I jogged back home and grabbed my smoking kit. I’d even gotten a little case for everything at the general store, though it was of poor quality. I made a mental note to head over and have Fancy take me to his little smoke shop to see if I could get a custom case or something. With any luck, the same woman who made my pipe and pocket watch would have made a case too.

I arrived at Twilight’s late because I’d blown so much time walking back to my house, but it wasn’t like I had to be there on time. Rarity opened the door, welcoming me inside and I said hi to everyone when I walked in. Twilight wasted no time taking me up to her room so that she could change me into Roxy, which made me glad that I’d assumed that she was going to do it. She left and I changed into my sleeping clothes, but before heading downstairs, I took a look at myself in Twilight’s standing mirror, though I wasn’t checking myself out. I felt a strange disconnect, like I wasn’t really in my own body. I moved and the person in the mirror moved right along with me, but that person just didn’t feel like me now. I shook my head to clear the thought from my head, reassuring myself that I am who I am, no matter what.

I grabbed my tits and doubted myself.

Shaking my head once more to banish evil thoughts, I went back downstairs and Spike got to me before anyone else could. The little Dragon took me into the kitchen, away from everyone else. “Dude, why did you turn into Roxy?”

“It’s the rule with me and Twilight for this week. We can’t stay over at each other’s places while I’m a guy.”

Spike groaned. “That’s so lame! I was hoping that there would be another guy, but now I’m stuck in a house stuffed to the top with girls!”

I cuffed his shoulder. “Keep your chin up, mate. I’m still the same person I usually am, I just look different, so stop bemoaning your fate and suck it up.”

Spike rubbed his arm where I’d hit him. “Right. You’re right! It’s not like you’re actually a girl. I just need to keep my head up and make it through!”

“Exactly. If anyone tries to play dress up with you, I’ve got your back, so let’s get in there and slumber party, or some other verb.”

Spike gave me a look, but he still lead the way into the library section. The girls cheered when the males returned to the party, but I didn’t learn why until they brought out a menagerie of clothes that seemed quite twink-like. Thankfully, they were all Spike’s size, so I didn’t have to worry about anyone trying to stick me in anything for the time being, but that did mean that I had to explain to all of the girls why I was so vehemently against degrading Spike’s dignity. I actually took Twilight aside and explained the full details of why it was dehumanizing to treat the poor guy like he was a doll, and she caved pretty quickly once I made an analogy likening their treatment of her little brother to that of a pet. Once I’d gotten that point across to Twilight, she shut shit down and there were no further arguments.

Sweetie Belle offered to try on the outfits in Spike’s stead since he was so obviously against it, but Rarity chided her, telling her that wearing boys clothes was not happening in her presence, so I suggested that we change Sweetie Belle into a dude. Rarity wasn’t having any of that, so I asked her why she was so willing to let me change back and forth between sexes, but not her sister. Rarity couldn’t give me an answer, so I pressed the subject until she started babbling apologies. Twilight hit me for being a prick and Rarity hit me for purposefully flustering her, even though she should have known what I was doing when I started asking her what her problem was. Rainbow, Applejack, and Fluttershy all backed me up, saying that everyone should know my usual bullshit by now, but Rarity and Twilight were against letting me off the hook since I should have known better. I argued that everyone knew that I wasn’t mad unless I was yelling, and Pinkie started arguing because everyone else was.

Eventually, I got things calmed down by admitting fault and apologizing to Rarity for her not being able to take a joke. That landed me in the doghouse with Twilight, but at least the kids were laughing. I was a little surprised to see that Scootaloo was actually there, but kept my words to myself, just in case I wasn’t supposed to point it out for some odd reason. Pinkie brought out some kid friendly games that we played for awhile and Rarity had some wine that she wanted the girls to try, so they did that.

All in all, the night was incredibly boring and I offered to host another slumber party some time next week at my house when the kids went to sleep, though Rarity raised a fuss about never getting to host anything. I offered to let her do it, but she balked and said that my house was just so much more spacious and accommodating that it only made sense for me to have the party. I threw a pillow at her for being unnecessarily difficult and Applejack put her in a headlock for the same reason, though Twilight pulled her off before she could mess up Rarity’s hair.

I didn’t bother going to sleep since I was used to staying up for days on end, though the rest of the girls save for Twilight and Applejack went to sleep around three or so in the morning. The three of us talked among ourselves for a few more hours until Applejack eventually tuckered herself out by sipping on the flask she had brought with her. Well, she actually brought three, but she was down to her last one by the time she passed out which left Twilight and I to our own devices. I would have loved to make out with her a little bit, but it was dangerous territory at the moment and I didn’t want to set something off, just in case we woke anyone up, so we had to settle for some mild cuddling. Twilight wanted to be the big spoon for once, so I allowed her to get behind me, though it was odd. I hadn’t been the little spoon since that one time with Celestia, and I wasn’t too sure about how I felt regarding the position until Twilight wrapped her arms around me and buried her face into the nape of my neck. It was a new experience that I didn’t hate. I felt safe in her arms and was comforted by the soft warmth of her breath on my skin, though it drove me crazy in my lady parts. I was willing to bet that it was the reason that Twilight wanted to be the big spoon, and I really couldn’t blame her since she was in estrus. I decided to keep my revelation to myself and just enjoy the moment since it was something I’d never done with Twilight.

We dozed off from time to time in ten minute intervals, though we usually came to consciousness within seconds of each other. After three or so cycles of this, my body decided that I’d had enough sleep, so I got up and started making breakfast while Twilight continued dozing off and on. Spike came into the kitchen a few minutes after I got started and helped me out with the preparation, making the time pass a little faster. The Cutie Mark Crusaders woke up around nine or so, which meant that we had breakfast hot and ready for them when they came into the kitchen. The girls were dead to rights until eleven, though Twilight and Applejack slept in until one in the afternoon. Once those two got their arses into gear, everyone started dispersing to go do whatever it was that they were planning on doing, and I had Twilight change me back into Max so I could take a piss standing up. Seriously, it’s very liberating to urinate while not sitting, and I now see why the She-Wee was invented back on Earth.

I went home and filled some time by visiting with Noir since I didn’t do so during the night, but we didn’t talk about anything terribly important besides the mild detachment I felt when Twilight turned me into Roxy. Noir explained it as me feeling the need to distance myself from my supposed ‘crutch’, though she maintained that I was nearly fine, and that my knowledge of the ‘problem’ was already helping to fix it. I wasn’t too sure about how I felt concerning Roxy at the moment, but I do know that I didn’t plan on turning into her again this week, so I kept that in the back of my mind.

Noir let me go when night fell in Ponyville, so I wrote down the days events in my journal and made some cider from apples that I had on hand. I tried stewing the juice out of them, and that worked well enough, though that did mean that I had to handle a decent amount of incredibly hot apples that looked a bit like Granny Smith, though I don’t have the guts to say that to any of the Apple family. I liked them too much to insult their incredibly pleasant, rather quirky matriarch, and I liked my teeth where they were, thank you very much.

Once I made the cider, I tried a couple mugs and ended up pouring it down the sink. It was straight up terrible like nothing else I’d ever tasted, so I was sure that my poison could serve someone in the sewer better than myself at the moment. Come to think of it, how does Equestrian plumbing work? I never asked myself before, but I’ve never seen a water tower or a water treatment facility of any kind around Ponyville or Canterlot. Once I had that little though niggling in my mind, I made it a point to physically write down a note so that I would remember to ask Mary about it tomorrow. A part of me wanted to do more than just ask her a couple of questions, but it felt unfair for me to go around having sex while Twilight was abstaining with difficulty, so I felt like it was my duty as her boyfriend to metaphorically (and sometimes physically) stand beside her in an act of solidarity.

I went to sleep warring with myself over what I should do about Twilight. On one hand, I wanted her, but on the other, I wanted our first time to be something special and memorable, not some simple estrus fueled fuck. I wanted to make love to Twilight, but it was so hard to keep denying her when she was coming after me. Usually, it’s not so bad since I can’t always see the lust in Twilight’s eyes after a particularly good kiss, but during estrus, we both knew that we wanted a piece of each other and the only thing holding us back was an agreement that seemed awfully silly in heated moments. My second brain thought that I was being ridiculous, just for the record, but Noir applauded me for waiting on Twilight to be ready, so I took her praise as motivation to continue keeping the Ol’ Chap in my pants.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Waking up without coffee in a cup is a bitch, so instead of catching a shower and getting my day started properly, I made some Pitch Black Death and sat on my porch to watch the sunrise. It took two cups of coffee and three cups of tea for the Sun to get its lazy arse over the horizon, but it was a sight well worth the wait and five bathroom breaks. Caffeine is brutal in the mornings, but it’s also the sweetest mistress at times.

I wondered about what I could spend my day doing, but nothing really came to mind until I remembered the Naga. It would be a worthy venture to go and see them again, so I decided to do that. I started packing up my satchel full of food and water for a couple of days and strapped my knives onto my person as I always do when I’m preparing to take my day by the short and curlies. After writing Twilight a quick note explaining that I was going to go into the Everfree from the Whitetail woods near my house, she sent me back a reply that told me not to leave my house until she got there. I abided by her request because I didn’t want to get in trouble for ignoring a reasonable request. That, and disrespecting Twilight by ignoring said request wouldn’t have sat with me very well anyways.

Twilight arrived quickly enough, but much to my surprise, she was dressed in jeans, hiking boots, and a dark long sleeved shirt. Twilight looked like she was ready to go into the forest with me, so I took her into my kitchen and had a cup of coffee with her.

“Twilight, why do you look like you’re trying to come with me?” I asked informally.

“Because I intend to go into the Everfree with you.” Twilight sipped her coffee. “Is there a problem?”

“Yes, yes there is. I’m not taking my heart into that murder forest.” I said calmly.

“It’s literally inside of you. You take it everywhere you go.” Twilight commented.

“No, It’s with you. I gave my heart to you when you told me that you wouldn’t betray me, and from then on, I swore I would protect you from whatever comes at you, emotionally or physically. Taking you into a fuck mothering murder forest doesn’t sound like I’m doing my job.”

Twilight gave me a disarming smile. “Where you go, I go. I’m not going to let you got into the ‘fuck mothering murder forest’ by yourself and frankly, the only way you’re stopping me is by not going in the first place.”

“Damn headstrong women and their bullshit.” I muttered under my breath. Twilight raised a brow and I leveled a glare at her. “Look at this logically, Twilight. I’m a trained Operative who’s had to survive in the Everfree for an entire month by myself with limited resources. I had to hunt and kill most of my food. I’m dangerous. You’re a sweet, compassionate woman who hasn’t killed anything in her entire life, has probably never been in a life or death fight, let alone a fucking fight at all, and you're generally scared of the place. You aren't dangerous.”

Twilight wore a little smile that annoyed the shit out of me. “I might not be dangerous like you, but I have my own tricks, Max. Keep in mind that I’ve subdued more magical beasts than you ever have, banished Nightmare Moon, and survived the town when it became a free for all after that Want-It-Need-It spell. I’m not some fragile flower, amour, and it’s about time you start realizing that.”

I was so tempted to hit her with a Black Eye so I could just go and let her sleep off her nonsense, but I saw Twilight’s side of the argument, and it was somewhat solid, much to my chagrin. I was about to speak when she added, “Besides, what better way is there to protect me than to be with me? If you go into the Everfree and something happens while I’m in town, what would you do?”

“Shut up and wait here for a moment. I’ve got to grab something before we leave.” I said darkly. Twilight gave me a worried look as I went upstairs and grabbed my old dirk.

I’d left it in my room since I’d been planning on taking Nacht with me, but if Twilight was going to come with me, I was going to need it. I came back downstairs and took Nacht off of my belt and put my dirk on it. Twilight watched on with mild curiosity before I handed her the longer blade.

“If you’re coming with me, you’re bringing a weapon.” I stated as a fact.

Twilight looked at it uncomfortably. “Are you sure? I mean, I have magic, and that works well enough.”

“You’re bringing something. It doesn’t have to be Nacht, but it has to be something sharp.”

“Again, are you sure? Can’t we just bring our wit and leave it at that?” She laughed nervously.

My face didn’t move and I traded my dirk for Nacht and held the smaller blade out to her. “If our wit was enough, I’d happily leave it at that.”

Twilight took the dirk from me gingerly and unsheathed it. She obviously didn’t like the thought of using it against another living creature, but she could deal with it. I was going to give her every advantage I could before we went in there. I knew that I was being overly protective since I could kill most things with my telekinesis in a single hit, but having solid weapons never hurt anyone's expedition, and I wasn’t about to head into the forest without having steel on me. Granted, I had no idea what the Hell Nacht was made of since the blade was as black as the night sky, but it was sharp and useful, so I wasn’t bitching.

Twilight reluctantly put the dirk in her pocket and we wasted no more time faffing about in my house. I warned Twilight that I would wreck the shit of anything that came too close to her, and she reminded me that she could take care herself, seeing as how she was one of the most powerful Unicorns this side of Canterlot. I told her that a real fight never goes exactly how you plan it, no matter what and she shut up since she’d never actually been in one.

We entered the Everfree through the Whitetail woods and I spotted the old trail markers that the Naga had laid out for me rather easily. Twilight lost some of her nerve when we went into the forest itself, so I took her hand and held it firmly as we traversed through brush and branches. I kept the conversation low and down to important details, though Twilight’s voice seemed to carry through the forest. It actually attracted some attention in the way of Kobolds, and I spotted them from about twenty or so meters away. I froze in place and stared them down as they approached us, drawing the Warbling Blade and pumping my Dark Magic into it. I chose the Kukri form so we wouldn’t be bothered any further and tried to make it so that it wouldn’t affect Twilight, but she never even seemed to notice the magic beyond recognizing it as Dark Magic. She asked what I was doing and I told her that I had to exterminate the lizard things, and she argued vehemently against killing them until I reminded her that they were rapists and ate Ponies. Once they were about ten meters away, I started killing them one by one with the spear tip of my tentacle. There were only five of them, so I didn’t have to do much. I was glad that Twilight listened to me when I asked her to cover her eyes.

After that little interruption, we met a Manticore in the middle of the trail about thirty minutes later. It stalked toward us and Twilight stepped forward to intercept it, but I was loathe to allow her to put herself in front of me. I wrapped my tentacle around her waist so that it wasn’t touching her, just in case the manticore got too close, but Twilight put it to sleep before it could make any real advances toward us. She turned around and gave me a triumphant smile before an Orthus came crashing through the brush to eat the Manticore. Twilight took a minute to be ill and I disposed of the corpses I’d made so that Twilight wouldn’t see them. In my defense, if that Orthus didn’t want to die, it shouldn’t have made my girlfriend get sick all over her shoes.

We came to a stream and Twilight washed her mouth out before washing her shoes off. I squatted next to her on the stream’s bank and asked, “Are you okay, cherry? I know watching something get eaten can be a bit of a head trip if you’re not a predator species.”

Twilight shook her head. “I got that Manticore killed, amour. I got that poor creature eaten because I put it to sleep!” Tears fell from her face.

“Twilight, don’t feel bad. That Manticore would have either killed us or died by my hand anyway. In the forest, it’s them or us, and you better be picking ‘us’ to live as often as possible.” She turned her tear soaked face toward me and I cleared her eyes before giving her a kiss. “Things die here, my love. Things die here every day, every hour, every minute, and there’s nothing we can do to change the very nature of the Everfree, so don’t let yourself feel bad for this placed being fucked up beyond all recognition.”

She grabbed my hand and held it to her mouth. “I-I… I wasn’t expecting the Everfree to be this way. I knew it was dangerous, but seeing it is different. It’s so different.”

I wrapped an arm around her, but still kept an ear out for any suspicious noises. “It really it, cherry. If you want, we can go home now. I’ll visit the Naga-”

“No. No, I wanted to come and I’m not going to stop you from doing what you came here to do.” Twilight cleared her eyes one last time and stood up.

I gave her the warmest smile I could manage and kissed her cheek. “That’s my woman. Tough as nails and cuter than a button.”

Twilight chuckled and gave me a wan smile. “I don’t wanna come here again.”

I patted her back and started crossing the stream. “You don’t have to. I only plan on coming back to see the Naga from time to time and to hunt.”

Twilight flinched. “I forgot that you eat meat sometimes. Are you sure you can’t just… I don’t know, live without it?”

“I can, but I don’t really want to. If I don’t eat meat, I have to eat eggs and beans to get my protein and that just smells awful.”

Twilight giggled. “Leave it to you to justify killing things by claiming that you have bad gas.”

“Just because I don’t let it go around you doesn’t mean it isn’t there. I’ve had to open a window in the dead of winter just because the smell got so bad.” I said, shivering.

She laughed again and wiped a tear from her eye. “Fine. If you’re doing it to protect my nose, I guess I can understand.” Twilight followed close behind me.

“If you notice that my ‘special sauce’ tastes different, just tell me and I’ll eat less of it.” I chuckled.

“Special sauc- Oh. Oh.” Twilight blushed. “W-Well, it tastes… Fine, as it is”

“I’ll be sure to give you a sample in three days.” I said playfully.

Twilight just shook her head and we sallied forth. I was glad that I’d been able to help her manage the whole ‘getting something killed’ thing, but I did worry about how she would react if she ever actually had to kill something. I knew that it was still on her mind and that it would most likely stay there for the remainder of her life, but I could help soften the blow by being with her, and I hoped that the Naga could give her the same wisdom I’d given her, but perhaps in a different way so that she got the idea that the Everfree isn’t a nice fucking place. I was sure that she knew that now, but I needed her to understand that fact the same way I did.

Thankfully, we didn’t have much further to walk after the stream because we came into the Naga’s territory. We knew it was their territory because they were holding swords in our faces until they realized who I was. They didn’t know Twilight, so she still had some swords pointed at her, but once I explained that she was my soulmate, they backed off a little. Steel was still drawn, however, so I felt like we might be in a bit of trouble. The guard fellows took us into the middle of the encampment where I saw a familiar face, though I couldn’t place the name.

Twilight was touching me by the time the Naga came up to us. “Hail! If it isn’t our small friend, the Human!”

“If it isn’t my dangerous friends, the Naga! How have you fellows been while I’ve been gone?” I asked.

“Things have been well up until recently, but we will speak more of this later. You have brought a stranger into our land.” The Naga said irritably.

“This ‘stranger’ is my lover and soulmate. Her name is Twilight Sparkle, and she wishes to learn about your history.” I said.

The Naga raised a scaly brow. “You did not find something of your own race to settle with? Wait, forgive my rudeness. I forgot that you are a unique beast in this world.”

I shrugged. “No problem. Would you mind answering some of her questions at all? I know you guys like to trade stories, and I have a few more to tell you now.”

“Never let it be said that Buruzagi passes an opportunity to trade tales with the most unique creature the Naga have ever seen!” She laughed heartily. “I welcome you to join us in the longhouse, though my husband will most likely want to know why it has been so long since you returned.” Well, at least she told me her name.

Twilight clutched at my hand as we followed Buruzagi into the longhouse, which was every bit as smoky and hot as I remembered. I shed my jacket once we entered, but Twilight had to suffer through the heat, so I tried fanning her with my telekinesis, despite it not actually having a physical presence beyond hitting things. Soon enough, the fellow I remembered as the chief came from the dark half of the longhouse and greeted me with a bone crushing hug.

“Max! You have returned to the Gose Baso once more! We heard from the Gathering that you were present for it, but no one explained to us why you were there!” The Chieftain boomed cheerfully.

“I actually got lost in the Everfree trying to find you guys again. I was on the path when I got chased down by an Orthus and got stuck deep in the forest. I was here for a month, but I never saw any of you guys roaming about, though I might have just been too far away.”

“We were told that you had taken up residence in the old Pony castle.” The Chieftain said more quietly. “That place is off limits to Naga, otherwise we would have come for you.”

Twilight cleared her throat. “Thank you for that. It’s nice to know that Max has such good friends in the forest.”

The Chieftain drew his hand back to slap her for no real reason and I grabbed his hand with my tentacle. “I beg your pardon mate, but were you about to smack my woman?”

“Naga women learn early to not speak out of turn. It is not the same with Ponies?” He asked.

“It’s not the same at all. Unless you’re giving her a friendly pat on the back, I suggest that you keep your claws off of my Twilight.” I warned.

The Chieftain tried to move his hand. “Magic is cheating in a fight.”

“Hitting my soulmate is a death sentence.” I let him go. Twilight squeezed my hand to show some appreciation.

“Noted. Be sure to let her know that Naga will not tolerate disrespect.” He said.

I glanced at Twilight. “You see those things on her head? She has ears, mate, she can hear you. Don’t insult her intelligence. In fact, how does Buruzagi have so much autonomy if you treat your women like second class citizens?”

“She is the first among the women of the tribe, and as my wife, she is above all but the eldest of warriors. Buruzagi may be more of a free spirit that most, but she still obeys me.”

Twilight looked like she wanted to say something, so I said, “That’s pretty awful, coming from my perspective. In my world, women were equals in most places, though there are some people who say otherwise. At least, in the first world places, women were equal. Once you got to the more remote places and the Middle East, women kinda got screwed.”

“Interesting. Buruzagi, we shall listen to Max’s tales.” The Chieftain stated. Buruzagi nodded and they came up to us and sat on their coiled tails.

I launched into a lecture about the difference in treatment that men and women received in different parts of the world, dropping hints along the way to tell the Naga that they need to chill the fuck out with their misogyny. Sadly, they were entrenched in their traditions, and Buruzagi felt no compulsion to treat her fellow women any differently than they always had, so my words were lost on them. Twilight even chipped in here and there after raising her hand to let me know that she wanted to say something, but that pissed me off something fierce. I wanted to beat the everloving fuck out of the Naga for making my favourite woman act like she wasn’t my equal, but I kept my rage in check since I wouldn’t be bringing her back any time soon. If I had known that they would treat Twilight like she was my fucking pet or something, I wouldn’t have come in the first place.

My fury abated once Twilight took me outside and told me that she didn’t mind that much. She likened the experience to being in school with a multitude of really strict teachers, and I disagreed heartily, stating that I would never treat her like the Naga treat their women. She still calmed me down enough so that I wasn’t looking for a reason to fuck things up, but that didn’t mean that I was happy with the Naga.

When we came back inside, I told them about the Hizketan Baia and the fact that it had actually killed me until I was brought back to life by Twilight herself and her teacher. Buruzagi praised Twilight for being by my side when I needed her most and the Chieftain said that Buruzagi could learn a thing or two from her. The female Naga was understandably put off by this news, so I mentioned a battle that she had told me about where she and her husband had fought side by side. I manipulated the Chieftain into giving her compliments before the Elder fellow that I’d met last time showed up, and he gave me a knowing look when he heard the Chieftain applauding his wife’s prowess in combat.

I wasn’t sure how he knew, but I was pretty sure that he’d put two and two together and figured out that I’d gotten the Chieftain to actually say something nice about the woman he was supposed to love. I traded a few more tales with the Naga and they eventually asked if I could speak to animals, despite dying from the potion. I told them that I could and they offered to give Twilight some of the berries so she could also talk to animals, but she declined them. Buruzagi looked like she was ready to fight when Twilight said no, so I made up some bullshit about it being an old custom for Ponies to refuse a gift once to show modesty and humbleness.

Twilight ended up getting a jar of berries for her troubles and the Naga were interested in the knife that I had given her, asking if she would be willing to trade it. After raising her hand unnecessarily, Twilight told the Naga that she couldn’t trade a gift from me and I asked if they would be interested in seeing a unique blade that I had earned through service to Equestria. They were definitely interested, so I unsheathed Nacht and passed it to the Chieftain first since he was the highest ranking person in the room, and when he inspected it, he informed me that it was actually crafted from Naga steel, though there was some form of magic on it that he couldn’t identify. They passed it around and tested its sharpness on some fish that had been caught earlier in the day, and once they passed Nacht back to me, I handed it to Twilight and asked if she could identify the enchantment on the blade. For some odd reason, she said that the blade wouldn’t allow her to cast any spells on it, stating that it drank her magic.

That made me happy.

I didn’t explain why I was smiling like an idiot, though I was asked multiple times. I just told them that Nacht must be special if Twilight’s magic wouldn’t work on it, and left it at that. Night had fallen by this time, so Twilight and I prepared to take our leave, but the Naga had something to ask of me. They requested that I send Lupa back their way should she ever return to me and I promised that I would, though I didn’t know how long she would be gone.

Once we exited the longhouse, Twilight and I were taken by a coughing fit where we both spat up black gunk. I assured Twilight that we hadn't been poisoned and the Naga gave us an escort back to the ‘Lasaia Baso’, or rather, the Whitetail Woods. Twilight was grateful that we had two strong warriors to protect us, but then I reminded her that I was enough to protect us, and that I just didn’t want to get lost on our way back home. She was still comforted by our bolstered numbers, though I blamed that on her herd animal ancestry.

The trip back to my house was pretty long, though it was nice and quiet on the danger front. We kept a good pace the entire way there, though the Naga and I slowed down because Twilight wasn’t used to moving around in the forest like we were, but it’s not like I blamed her for being slow. Hooves rarely benefit anything in a jungle, and the Naga didn’t have to worry about twisting an ankle on roots in the dark, so of course the return trip sucked a little harder than getting there. Once we were back in familiar territory, or escorts bid us farewell and I lead Twilight back through the Whitetail Woods into my yard. I took her inside for a quick word.

“Twilight, I will never treat you like the Naga treat their women.” I said vehemently.

She patted my shoulder. “I know, you said that already. It’s okay, Max, it’s not like you knew that they didn’t treat everypony as equals.”

“I should have. I think the only reason they didn’t freak out about you being there was because you were a woman.” I said bitterly.

“Then isn’t that a good thing? Stop looking at the bad things and focus on the good: Your scaly friends like you, and they’re willing to make me one of their friends because of you. I may not have gotten to ask all the questions that I would have liked to, but at least I learned a fair bit about them.”

I grabbed her hands and kissed her knuckles. “I guess you’re right. Still, it bothers me to see someone treat you as less than a person. You don’t deserve that.”

She squeezed my hands. “Nopony does, but if that’s how their society works, then so be it. Just be happy that we’re home, safe and sound.”

I gave her a kiss that tasted like smoke. “I guess I can allow you to be right this one time.”

Twilight rolled her eyes and gave me a hug. “Whatever you say, amour. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Sure thing, cherry. Are you coming over, or do you want me to come by the library?”

“Either one is fine by me, though I was thinking…” She trailed off with a light blush.

“You were thinking…?” I asked.

“Well, I was just thinking that it would be nice to be in the hot tub, just the two of us.” She touched the tips of her fingers together.

I raised a brow. “With the secret jets on?”

She blushed harder. “W-Well…”

“It’s a date then. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I gave her a peck on the cheek, but she wanted a real goodbye kiss, so I gave her one.

Once Twilight was gone, I sat down and wrote some more of Midnight Stroll and the Robbed Ruby Ring before grabbing a snack. I wandered around my house for alittle bit and looked for things that looked like they needed to be cleaned, but nothing struck me as terribly dirty, so I went back into my living room and assumed the position on my couch and meditated.

Noir met me in my usual hangout, though she was playing one of the Dark Souls series now. I’d beaten the Hell out of the game after Gittin’ Gud, but Noir had obviously not taken after my former skill with the game. Just as I was about to tell her to roll out of the way to avoid getting wrecked, she got fucking wrecked by like, six mobs that came out of nowhere. Noir sent the controller straight through the telly like she was a strong toddler throwing one hell of a hissy fit and let loose some things that I assumed were swears in a language I was unfamiliar with.

Noir whipped around to face me and jammed a finger in my face. “I swear to your God that I will break every bone in you body if you say that.”

I grinned evilly. “You just need to calm down, love. It’s just a game.”

“It’s an unfair, nonsensical, asinine, ludicrous game!”

“Maybe you just need to-”

“Kaid Gadai, I will hurt you.” Noir threatened

I leaned in and whispered into her ear. “Git Gud, Skrub.”

Noir sent a punch into my stomach that drove the air from my lungs. I was in immense pain, but I was shaking so hard from laughing without being able to breath that I didn’t care that much. The pain from Noir’s tough love just made the fact that she was so bad even funnier to me, which made me laugh harder, making my stomach hurt more, and that made me laugh even harder. It was a terrible cycle up until I could breath again, but even then I was still working out the odd chuckle.

Noir paced around the room, punching other things until she calmed down and I chuckled some more at her rage. “How many times have you died in Dark Souls, love?” I asked weakly.

“Since I began playing, two hundred and ten.” Noir huffed. She fixed the room with a wave of her hand knelt by me. “I am sorry that I abused you, but I warned you against saying that.”

I patted her shoulder. “Oh, I deserved that, no doubt. I’ve never seen you so mad, though.”

“Two hundred and ten, Max.” She reiterated.

“Fair enough. Maybe reviewing some of my mad skills might make you better?”

“I have. You techniques make no sense to me.”

I shrugged and she offered me a hand up. “That’s what happens when you suddenly stop sucking. Things just make sense all of a sudden. Maybe you should try running past things you’re trying to take head on.”

“That would be fine if I were a coward.” Noir huffed. “I play the game as I did in life.”

“Except you don’t have a damn near bottomless pit of Dark Magic that can be cast in a few seconds rather than the handful it takes in Dark Souls. You can’t play the game like you would if you were living it because the game doesn’t have anything analogous to you.”

Noir turned to face the T.V. “...I did not think of that. I just searched through your memories and thought that Dark Souls seemed like a warrior’s game.”

“I wouldn’t say that. It’s more of a game for masochists. Speaking of warriors, how much do you know about the Naga?” I asked.

“They used to rule the area your Americans would have called Florida in my time. They spent much of their time in the Southern parts of Equestria, though when Celestia and Luna took over, they nearly annihilated them. Now there are semi-nomadic bands of Naga roaming around the country, if Luna’s information is correct.” Noir informed.

“...So Celestia and Luna basically wiped out the native population?”

“You know they have done terrible things. You may be surprised to learn that Celestia and Luna personally took out many of the Naga.”

“Yeah, let’s stop there before I start rethinking my friendship with the genocidal twats.”

“We could ‘bugger off’ this topic at any time.”

“That’s not how you use that and you know it.” I said accusingly.

“Whatever you say, mate.” Noir said, mimicking my accent.

“It’s really weird to know that you can do that so well. I’d ask you to talk like that all the time, but I think you’d get bored quickly.”

“We could try it for tonight if you like.” She offered.

“If you’re okay with it, then I’d really appreciate it. I’ve been meaning to get a trip to Bridleland put together, but you know how it is.”

“Speaking your native tongue is a comfort I do not mind affording you. I think it is amusing to hear myself speak in such a way, though I do wonder if I could try other accents from your world.”

And so we tried imitating as many accents as we could. I had decent Russian, Scottish, and Irish accents, but Noir’s ability to mimic them perfectly was magnificent all on its own. I asked her pointless questions just to hear what accent she would pull off next, though the blatantly racist ones were my favorite. She’d even managed to mock DMX in such a way that was so true to form, I died laughing, especially when she called me a bitch and told me to get her some Kool-Aid. That was racist as Hell, but we both got a chuckle out of it. Of course we acknowledged that stereotypes are wrong, but when you’re on a different planet from anyone you might offend, does it really fucking matter?

I spent a few hours with Noir in my mindscape and took her to an amusement park I had been to as a young man. I’d always wanted to go with my parents, but I’d had to settle years later with Max, though we still had a ton of fun. Noir was terrified of roller coasters, which was absolutely hilarious since she could fly. I didn’t point that out to her and just kept my thoughts to myself, or at least, as to myself as I can get with Noir.

Noir told me to go to sleep after I tried to get her to ride the biggest roller coaster in the park, so I closed my eyes and opened them back in my house. Once I had returned to my reality, I jotted down some stuff in my journals and took my happy arse to bed.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Briar Rose woke me up when she came over to tend to my garden, but she had only done so to tell me that she had crossbred a different species of marijuana with one of my plants and wanted me to help fund her little experiments. I agreed and gave her a thousand bits to get started since I trusted her, though Briar told me that she would only need five hundred to get everything done. She told me that she hid the excess money somewhere that I would find it and I told her to get the fuck out of my room before I threw something sharp at her.

I eventually dragged my arse out of bed, but I was a little late since the Sun was already up. After a shower and some skillful shaving, I went out and talked to Briar some more since I wasn’t half asleep and was considerably less pissed about being woken up, though all we talked about was the progress that my plants were making. Briar told me that she was going to use the money to expand the greenhouse over the course of the next few days and she mentioned that she was going to have a little workshop made on the premises so she could do her work with real equipment, I agreed on the condition that she not blow anything up, though my completely rational worries were tossed to the side the moment they left my mouth.

Briar left around ten after making sure everything was growing as it should be and I went to my shed to check how much raw material I had already processed. I had a little less than a quarter of the plant left, so I went back to the greenhouse and cut down the oldest plant so it could take its sister’s place on my shed’s door. With the quarter plant I had, I picked the buds off and brought them inside to process them. I still had plenty of finely chopped material stuffed in multiple boxes, so I laid the buds out on my back porch since I didn’t need them at the moment. I wondered if I should just give one to Twilight and decided to do so, which was the perfect excuse to go see her. I didn’t really need one, but it was nice to give her something I knew that she was going to like.

I left my house with a bounce to my step and swung by Fluttershy’s place for a brief visit. I apologized for not showing up early enough to help her with her animals, but she didn’t really care about why I was there. Fluttershy was pretty eager to get her hands on me, but I reminded her that we would have to tell Twilight beforehand and that it wasn’t fair for me to go around doing sex to the ladies if Twilight was keeping her legs closed. I did give Fluttershy something to remember me by with my cunning lingual acrobatics, though she wasn’t quite satisfied. She had to deal with what I gave her, however, since I wasn’t willing to give up the penis. I left Fluttershy’s with the taste of cake in my mouth and a sexually frustrated nympho in my wake, but that wasn’t going to stop me from having a good day. I made a mental note to warn Twilight that Fluttershy was on the prowl, hunting for some wild Max.

I didn’t make anymore pit stops on the way to Twilight’s, just in case someone else was going to try jump my bones, though I expected it from Twilight at some point. If it was her, it didn’t really count, so with that in mind, I let myself in and caught the purple duo during a late breakfast. Thankfully I caught them at the tail end of it so I didn’t have to wait through a terribly awkward silence. Once they finished up, I gave Twilight her present.

She unwrapped it from the bundle I’d given her. “Max… Is this your equivalent of giving me a bottle of wine?”

I blinked. “Yeah. Sure, totally.”

“You sound really confident about your answer.” Twilight said sarcastically.

“That’s because you took the words right out of my mouth. It kind of rocked me a little.” I covered smoothly.

Twilight wasn’t buying it. “Right. Did you just want to give me something or did you need an excuse to come over?”

“Yes, actually.”

She rolled her eyes before giving me a peck. “You’re sweet, but you know you can just come over, right?”

“Of course I know that, but it’s traditional to have some sort of pretense. Gifts and shows of affection are common indicators of interest in another person.” I stated.

Twilight looked at me funny. “Sometimes I forget that you’re actually smart, not just witty.”

“I’d be offended, but I do some ridiculously retarded shit from time to time, so I can understand where you’re coming from.” Something struck me suddenly. “Wait, why did I come to your house if you’re supposed to come to my house later?”

“Because you love me.” Twilight said sweetly.

Spike gagged from the other room. I’d feel worse for him, but he’s the one who stays within earshot. “That’s true. I guess I’ll just bother you until you want to come over.” I said.

She shrugged. "You never bother me, even when you’re wearing on my nerves. I do need to talk to you about something, though.” Twilight said, dropping her tone.

“Why wait until now to mention it?” I asked at the same volume.

“I needed to distract Spike with some mushy stuff so he’d quit listening. We’ll talk in the basement, okay?” She patted my arm and gave me a weak smile.

I gave her a nod. “When?”

“Spike’s leaving within the hour.” She switched tones again. “Do you want to cuddle on the couch?”

“I’d be delighted.” I gave her a cheesy grin and waited for her to lead the way.

We both grabbed books from Twilight’s ample supply and did some reading while Spike did his best to ignore us. I was rather worried about Twilight’s change in demeanor since I’d never seen her do something like that before. She went from annoyed to mad to sweet in the blink of an eye, but she wasn’t terribly serious during any of it. I tried to relax, but knowing that something was bothering Twilight irked me to no end and I had to stop myself from just asking what it was. I theorized about what it could be, but the only thing I could really think of was the Manticore in the Everfree, and I wasn’t sure if that was a big deal or not. Thankfully, Spike took his leave before I could drive myself mad, and Twilight wasted no time heading down to the basement.

She sat down at her worktable and I pulled up a stool in front of her. “So what’s on your mind, cherry?” I asked.

Twilight pressed her fingertips together. “It’s just… Yesterday, in the Everfree…”

“The Manticore?” I surmised.

She nodded. “I just feel so guilty! I thought I was doing it a favor by putting it to sleep for a little while, but I made that poor creature completely defenseless!”

“Twilight, if you hadn’t put that thing to sleep, I was going to kill it.” I stated flatly.

She looked at me. “What? What do you mean?” What else would I mean? I told you that before.

“Every Manticore I’ve ever run into wants to make a meal out of me. The Manticore was one we ran into, and it looked an awful lot like it thought we were lunch. I was going to kill it so it wouldn’t kill us.”

“...So me putting it to sleep didn’t even matter? It was going to die either way?” Twilight asked, thunderstruck.

“Pretty much. Actually, you probably did it a favor by putting it to sleep so it could pass away in peace.” I reasoned.

“That… That actually makes me feel a little better.”

I spread my hands. “I told you that it wasn’t your fault, but you didn’t listen to me. I keep telling you I say profound things all the time.”

“Actually, that kind of just makes you a bad pony since your first thought was to kill it.” Twilight said, narrowing her eyes.

“It threatened you. Nothing threatens you.” I emphasized.

“So why didn’t you just kill the Naga for nearly smacking me?” Twilight inquired.

“Because the Chieftain is a sentient creature that can speak. I’ve never known a Manticore to be a Zgon.”

“A what now? I’ve never heard of that word.”

“Zgon are intelligent animals like Lupa.”

“Oh. That’s a simple explanation.”

“It’s because it’s a simple thing. Do you need to talk about anything else, cry for a little bit, or get some ice cream?”

Twilight patted my knee. “I think I’ll be fine. I’m not exactly sure who to talk to about my murderous special somepony, but other than that, I’m okay.”

“I’m not murderous. I’m more like huggably sadistic or something.”

She gave me a look. “That would make you a bad pony.”

“Loveable with murderous tendencies is the best you’re going to get out of me.” I huffed.

“I’ll take what I can get, I guess.” Twilight stood and grabbed my hand, leading us upstairs.

We did precious little with our time together, but there’s no other way I would have rather spent it. Tea and reading was the order of the day and it was an activity we both enjoyed indulging in, though I preferred to be writing the books when I had the inspiration. Still, I had a pleasant time and Twilight totally farted once, which I teased her about for a good five minutes.

The Sun was setting by the time Spike got back, but instead of coming to my place, he opted to stay at home and sleep. I took him aside and asked what was wrong, but just wasn’t willing to talk about it at the moment, so I left him in peace. Twilight had seemed pretty oblivious to Spike soured mood, so I didn’t mention it until we were in my house so she wouldn’t be tempted to go and bug him about it. She was understandably upset that I’d waited to tell her that her little brother was in distress, but she understood my explanation.

Before I could offer her a drink, she turned me into Roxy again and the night was rather nice. While we were in the hot tub, I asked her if she wanted to go to Bridleland with me sometime soon and she agreed, though she wanted to bring the girls along to enjoy the experience with us. I’d intended it to be a sort of romantic getaway for us to grow closer or some shit, but I swallowed my plans and told Twilight that it was fine to invite the girls. I wondered how much it would cost me to schlep all of the girls to Bridleland and when I mentioned it to Twilight, she said that it would take about three hundred bits per person, so that equaled out to twenty-one hundred bits over all, if we didn’t take anyone besides the girls. We both mentioned Spike at the same time since neither of us were about to forget the little guy and I set the plan in stone. Twilight was surprised to find that I was serious about getting out of Equestria for a little while and was even more so when I told her that I wanted to leave next month. She told me that there would be no real way to set everything up within that time and I told her that, if she helped me get things sorted, it would most likely be easier.

After a quick round of lesbian action, Twilight and I went into my study and started drawing up plans. We would leave some time after the Dragon Migration because Twilight and the girls rather wanted to see it. I was tempted to ask about how Spike felt concerning the fact that he was going to be watching his kinsmen travelling without him, but if Twilight hadn’t said anything, then I was sure that it was for a good reason.

We sent notes out to the girls, asking them to come over tomorrow so we could hash out some more of the plans. I didn’t really have anything in particular that I wanted to see, but the girls might have, and I knew that Twilight was psyched to go see Stonehenge. I’d been on a class field trip to see it when I was younger, but the Ponyland equivalent was probably magical as fuck or something, so I assumed that was why Twilight wanted to see it. She also mentioned something about a ‘Big Bong’, but she assured me that I couldn't smoke out of it, stating that it was just a cool clock. I was thoroughly disappointed, but my tears never fell. Never let them see you cry.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Nothing interesting happened until the girls came over to talk about our trip to Bridleland sometime in the middle of the afternoon. Pinkie expressed a great amount of interest, and Rarity seemed absolutely thrilled to have the opportunity to see Bridleland in person. Applejack and Fluttershy expressed some concerns about how long we would be gone, and Rainbow seemed like she didn’t give a single fuck about anything anyone had to say, so once we agreed on when we would leave and how long we would stay, I had a word with Rainbow in my parlour.

I closed the door behind us, cutting off the stares from the girls. “Alright, Dash. What’s eating you?”

Rainbow gave me a funny look. “What makes you think something’s up?”

“General apathy, lack of interest. We’re talking about leaving the country and you barely care whether or not we stay or go.”

She shrugged. “Travelling just isn’t my thing. I’ll do it, but I’d rather just go somewhere I can keep practicing stunts and flying in general.”

“Do you care about anything other than flying, or do you just like to go fast?”

“Why not both? I care about a lot of stuff, dude, I just don’t make it obvious.” Rainbow explained.

“The whole ‘cool and aloof’ thing never struck me as one of your usual gags. Seriously, is something wrong?”

Rainbow glared at me. “Like you really care. We might be friends, but it’s not like we’re close.”

I spread my hands. “This is me trying to get closer.”

“Dude, if you want to have some sort of relationship or something, occasionally taking me aside to talk about stuff doesn’t really count. I mean, don’t you not like Pinkie or something? You hang out with her more often than with me, and you can’t even stand her, so what am I supposed to think?”

“Rainbow, how the fuck am I supposed to find you?” I asked.

“What? Dude, just look up-”

“All over fucking Ponyville? You don’t practice in the same place everyday, you ignore people on the ground, and you spend most of your time in the sky. If you wanted to be closer friends, there are things you could have done too.” I pointed out.

“...Okay, so I’m not the easiest pony to get ahold of, but you have Dragon Fire! Just send me a note or something!”

I gave her a look. “I gave up after you straight up ignored three in a row.”

Rainbow blushed. “I was busy.”

“And yet you couldn’t take the time to explain that to me. I thought you just didn’t like me or that we just didn’t have that kind of relationship.”

“Okay, so maybe I haven’t been the best friend to you either…” Rainbow admitted.

“And that’s perfectly fine. We can fix that.” I said. “It’s not like we have to love each other or whatever, but it would help if we were friendlier. What do you say to grabbing a smoothie tomorrow? My treat.”

Rainbow gave me a half smile. “What, you don’t think a mare can pay for her own smoothie?”

“I don’t think you have pockets to keep bits on you.” I scanned her bike shorts and T-Shirt.

She reached into her hair and pulled out a handful of bits. “Never doubt a mare’s mane, Max.”

“...That’s fucking weird. I thought Pinkie was the only one who did that.”

“How many mares do you see carrying around purses?” Rainbow asked.

“Point taken. Getting back on topic; there’s nothing bothering you?”

“Besides the fact that we’re barely friends, not really.” She answered.

I nodded. “At least it’s something mendable. We’re gonna smoothie so hard, you’ll turn purple!”

Rainbow gave me an odd look. “What?”

“Well, brainfreeze would turn you blue, but you’re already blue, so it’ll turn you a shade darker.”

“Shut up, Max.”

“I’m the greatest, I’m not allowed to shut up.” I open the door to the parlour and caught our eaves droppers. “Can we help you girls?”

Pinkie dropped a bit on the ground. “We were just looking for my bits! I dropped them everywhere!”

The rest of the girls had the good grace to look embarrassed, so I just rolled my eyes and shooed them away from the door. Rainbow didn’t have anything else to say, so we all agreed to meet up again in a few days for the slumber party. After an hour of snacking and talking, six of my friends went home and zero of them stayed behind, so I started doing some writing and enjoyed some alone time before heading into my mind to chat with Noir for a little bit.

I entered the mindscape to find that it was a fucking warzone. Arrows dotted the sky, whizzed through the air and found their marks from time to time. Soldiers without any tell tale marks marched at me from across an open field and behind me, more soldiers formed ranks, though they actually had an emblem of a broken horn on their shields. I figured that it was Noir’s side of the fight, so instead of staying on the killing floor, I closed my eyes and focused on finding Noir.

She was actually in the middle of her soldiers, scanning equipment and marching through the ranks, adjusting stances and posture as she went along. I followed her for a few rows until all Hell broke loose. The soldiers jogged forward in rank and I could hear the clash of steel towards the front of the mass of people, so I caught up to Noir and she gave me a wild smile.

“Maximus! You have no idea how happy I am to see you right now!” She blurted before giving me a bone crushing hug.

“I get it,” I wheezed, “put me down.”

She did as I asked. “Sorry. It has been so long since I have taken part in a proper battle. Will you join me in reliving days of glory?” She bellowed.

“I would, but the whole wanton murder and destruction thing just isn’t my bag. I’m more of a hunter than a warrior, love.” I shouted over the clamor.

“Then hunt to your heart’s content on the field of battle! There is nothing like the feeling of a good war!”

“There’s no such thing, Noir. War is the greatest evil known to my race.”

She gave me an odd look and the scene froze. “I knew you felt mild distaste for killing, but I did not bother investigating into how you felt about war. You kill without hesitation, but you will not partake in a mock battle?”

“Being a warmonger just doesn’t sit well with me. You know that’s a big part of the reason why I killed Adolf.”

“I am not omniscient. There are still things I do not know about you.” Noir explained.

“Of course. We can exist in two different places, right?” I asked.

“Well, yes. I can halt my activities so we can spend some time together.” Noir offered, clutching her hands together.

She knew that I noticed, so she put her hands behind her back. “...Let me try the whole battle thing. It never hurts to have a little experience.”

“You do not have to force yourself to enjoy my activities, Max. Our relationship allows us to be completely honest with each other.”

“Like I said, it never hurts to have experience. Just watch my back and I’ll try to cover yours.” I patted her shoulder and conjured up my weapons.

She magicked them away. “I will not allow you to force yourself to partake in my war. It is okay that we have different definitions of fun.” It’s not like I don’t do things I don’t want to all the time

“Well, we can either fight this war or we can have you antsy, waiting for me to leave so you can get back to the real fun. Who knows, I might enjoy stabbing things I can’t actually hurt.” I shrugged.

“I do not mind waiting. I have waited a long time for this, and a few more hours will not make much of a difference.” Noir put her hand on my shoulder. “You cater to the needs of others when it is required. Allow someone to do the same for you.”

“You already cater to my needs, so it’s only fair if I do the same for you. This is a give and take thing, Noir, and I won’t sit by and let you give and give while all I do is take.” I said adamantly.

She gave me a longsuffering look and sighed. “Perhaps you will enjoy the thrill of battle.”

Noir snapped her fingers and everything started over. She went back through the ranks of her soldiers and did her inspections until the battle began anew, but this time, she lead me through the front ranks and into the worst of the fray. Noir used a powerful shout to push back the opposition and give us some space to work, but that meant that we waded into a pit of enemy soldiers. Noir gave me a smile wilder than the one she’d given me before and I worried about the safety of the soldier constructs until I got hit with a shield. From there, shit got real rather quickly.

Since I was more of a rogue, I needed space to work, so I spent my time weaving in between soldiers, stabbing legs and armpits where their armor didn’t cover. I’d heard through my reading into old wars that three inches of the tip of your blade was every bit as good a foot of the edge, so I used that adage as the basis of my assault, disabling more soldiers than I outright killed. I took the odd hit from a lucky swing, but other than that, I was simply too quick on my feet to hit. I whirled like a dervish and sent Nacht into a soldier’s throat , marking the beginning of my lethal streak, though Noir had been close behind me, finishing off my wounded opponents and taking on as many as she could.

Noir was having the time of her fucking life, so I doubled back and filled the role she had been filling for me. With Noir in the lead, no one stood a fucking chance. Heavy overhead swings were often met with a flick of her sword, and her riposte was absolutely savage, though she occasionally left me to take care of them in the few seconds they were stunned so she could move onto a more worthy opponent. Sadly, they were all basically clones, but the longer the battle went on, the harder things got.

Noir and I got separated by a phalanx of soldiers that cut off my route to her, but I was surrounded, so there was precious little I could do. I did my best to kill off the soldiers that poked and prodded at me, but they’d formed a shield wall, so I was boned up until I remembered that I could totally cheat. I slowed down to a walking pace and used my psychic tentacles to clear seven head from seven sets of shoulders, giving me the space I’d needed to fight like I wanted to. I formed the Warbling Blade into its stiletto form and pumped the blade full of magic, drawing thick blue lines in the air, but instead of touching them like I was just curious as to what would happen, I stabbed the blue lines with the Warbling Blade and pushed back a wall of attackers. A few died on the swords of their comrades, but it just wasn’t enough, so I changed the blade into its kukri form and it worked out much better for me.

With a stabbing weapon and a hacking weapon in either hand, I mowed through my opponents rather slowly since they weren’t terribly keen on fighting me anymore. Dark Magic was rather overpowered, so I stopped using it entirely and lost myself in the challenge of staying alive. Six soldiers attacked me at once and I danced around them, literally. I was doing the Running Man past one of them when one of their comrades hit the fellow with a spear that was aimed for me and I chuckled at that, finding the AI to be a bit too simple. Then, out of nowhere, I was given a wide berth and some mother fucker with a Great Axe the size of my fucking torso showed up and I smiled. I’m sure I looked like Noir at this point, but she had been right: Senseless murder and violence was actually rather fun, and it was even better since no one was actually getting hurt, so I squared up against my new opponent and waited for him to make a move.

He bore his axe and went in for a swing that was faster than I’d expected, causing a good laceration on my upper right arm. It smarted rather fiercely, so I stopped giving a single fuck and rushed the Axe Bastard. I cleared the range of his axe with no problem, though when I got close, he hit me with the shaft and pushed me back a little bit. I’d slowed down a lot, but I forced myself to catch a second wind and started running toward him, dodging his blows as they came until I was within range again, but this time, there wasn’t any hesitation on my part to jaw Nacht deep into a chink in his armor. I didn’t stop there, however, and continued treat Axe Bastard like a tricky pincushion, finding new places to stick my dagger wherever an opening showed up. The fellow was pouring blood from multiple places by the time I finished my assault, but we weren’t done yet. I’d triggered something terrifying with blows that should have all been lethal in their own right. Axe Bastard charged hard and swung his axe like it was one of my own knives, forcing me to make risky dodge after dodge, trying to get closer to him. Sadly, I couldn’t work my way back into his range, so I did what seemed natural: I ran.

I bolted to the edge of our ring, but the enemy had formed a shield wall and had spears poking out from just about every side. Unwilling to get killed inside my own mind, I rushed one of the fellows with a shield and catapulted myself over it by jumping onto then off of his shield. I flew through the air and landed on some poor sap that I dispatched quickly enough, but I didn’t linger very long. I could hear bellows of rage from behind me, so I got a fucking move on and wove through the ranks of the soldiers, dodging more sword swings and the occasional spear thrust. I took a bad blow to my leg for my efforts, but luckily, I had ran straight into Noir’s own little fighting circle. She was battling a fellow with a claymore larger than her own, but she was winning handily. The fellow she was fighting was missing an arm and had little armor left on his body, but within seconds of my arrival, he was taken down with one final decapitating swing. Noir roared and I heard another roar behind me, so I hobbled into the middle of Noir’s ring and she rushed over to check me out. We didn’t have much time, however, since the goddamn tank I had been fighting plowed through his own men and broke into the circle. There was a path of blood behind him, and Noir scoffed at the new arrival. Axe Bastard hefted his axe and charged us, but Noir didn’t move an inch, waiting for him to get nice and close before she sidestepped his blow, cutting off one of his hands and beheaded him in one fell swoop.

The circle started closing in and Noir came back to me, placing a hand on my leg. When she removed it, I was able to walk again, but I was drained from the high energy style of fighting that I’d had to maintain. Noir helped me to my feet and conjured a familiar shortsword, passing it off to me before preparing to face the soldier closing in on us. I sheathed the Warbling Blade and held Luna’s blade in my main hand since it was heavier than Nacht, though I was severely lacking in the energy department. Suddenly, Noir whirled around and smacked the religious deity out of my spine, galvanizing me like I’d just done a rail of something pure and white, and with that, I was ready to continue. Noir and I held our positions until the fuckers came close enough to start using spears, and from there, Noir and I started hacking off spear heads as best we could. I got through quite a few before the swordsmen showed up to the party, and with a real sword in hand, I faced them readily. My first opponent met his end in one blow, his head joining many others on the ground, and after that, I started getting a real feel for Luna’s gladius. Thankfully, it was sharp enough to do damage and the extra reach it afforded me was just what I had needed, though that didn’t stop Noir and I from getting separated again.

I fought on without my buddy, though I was still doing rather well against our enemy. Up until our own soldiers arrived to the party, Noir and I had been hacking our way back to each other, but once our reinforcements arrived, things became much easier. Noir and I fought on the frontlines, falling back from our original positions to the relative safety we had in our now superior numbers. I had no idea how many people Noir and I had slain, but I was willing to be that we had reached the hundreds in the hours we had spent in battle. There was no way to tell how much time had actually passed, so I was just fighting for the fun of it at this point, but soon after our soldiers had caught up to us, our enemy laid down their weapons and surrendered. Noir found me shortly and took me off of the battlefield to one of the medic tents. We were both covered from head to toe in wounds that either needed stitches or to be wrapped up, and even though Noir could patch us both up with magic and have an ocean left to spare, we sat through the process of being poked, prodded, patched and sewn until we our adrenaline failed us.

Once we were done with the medics, I asked, “So why did we have to get patched up the normal way instead of using magic?”

Noir sat back in her chair and closed her eyes, shifting the scene to my old house. We went out to the porch and conjured up a couple copies of my easy chair since it was the best. “Fighting only has meaning if there are consequences. The thrill of battle was beautiful in its own right, but for us to fully understand the warrior’s plight, we must subject ourselves to everything the warrior feels, and that includes being ‘patched up’.”

“Easy for you to say. You had three less cuts that needed to be sewn up!” I bitched.

“As you might say, ‘quit your bitching and get good.’.” Noir chuckled.

“Fuck you.” I sighed.

“You’re a step closer to that already. Fighting by your side was wonderful.” Noir sank into her chair and closed her eyes.

“Seeing you in action was pretty great, though I’m a little upset that you handled the guy with the claymore and I got the berserker with the axe.”

“Generals Broadhead and Cleaver. Both of them were formidable, but Broadhead always was a troublesome opponent for those with light weaponry. You made the right decision in bringing him to me.”

“I didn’t mean to. I was hoping that he would die from his wounds while chasing me.” I admitted.

“He would have in thirty or so more seconds. The last swing of his axe was painfully slow.”

“Good to know, though it’s not like I could have gotten much further. Without you, I would have died then and there.”

Noir reached over and grabbed my hand. “Would you care to know how many men you slayed? I am sure that you would feel better knowing.”

I shrugged and squeezed her hand lightly. “Sure, let’s see what my KDR is.”

“You took down one hundred and twenty men, though that is not counting the ones you wounded. If they were not directly killed by you, then it did not count, but if it did, you would have gotten nearly two hundred.” Noir smiled at me.

I raised my brows. “...Wow. How many did you get?”

“A few more than yourself. Nothing to brag over.” She said aloofly.

“So, like, five hundred?”

“Four hundred and fifty-eight, but who is counting?” She chuckled.

I rubbed my thumb along the back of her hand. “You, apparently. You were correct, by the way. War is fun.”

“As long as no one besides us gets hurt, I agree. I was thinking about your words and feelings during the battle, and I find that I am beginning to agree with you. War is worse than Hell.”

“Hell only takes the deserving.” I added.

We sat in silence for a little while after that since we were both fucking exhausted. We could have fixed ourselves with a thought, but the ache of our wounds and in our muscles was sweet in its own way, like a weird reward for a job well done. Staying still made the pain almost pleasant in a way, but moving sucked, so we conjured up drinks and snacks, watching the sun rise over Ponyville as I often did when I had the chance. I even took the opportunity to rip Sinbad a time or two, though Noir declined when I offered. Eventually, we traded our easy chairs for recliners and I changed the weather so that it was a little nippy. Noir wasn’t terribly fond of the weather, so she fused our recliners together and we cuddled for the first time, which I found to be a little on the odd side since we had both just committed small scale genocide. Still, Noir was nice and warm, the recliner was pleasantly soft, and Sinbad was just as beautiful as I remembered.

We spent the better part of six hours doing nothing, just watching the Sun rise and set as we pleased, telling the occasional joke and having the occasional toke. Noir was interested in Mary Jane, but she just refused to hit Sinbad, so I conjured up a perfect cone and let her try that. She wasn’t terribly fond of it, so she went for some wine until I reminded her that she wasn’t supposed to drink after losing so much blood. She switched from wine to wine coolers, and things were perfectly fine from there.

I left when Noir mentioned that she could use some rest, though when I returned, I had a massive headache from the different states of my body. The wounds from my mindscape had etched their way into my nerves and ached for an hour until they faded away, and during that time, I just laid on my couch and dozed off and on. Before bed, I caught up my journals and now I’m patting myself on the back for being so attentive to my writings. Right now, I’m looking forward to the Bridleland trip and another battle with Noir by my side. I wonder how Twilight will take the news that I participated in a fake war and killed a shitton of fake people. Maybe I just won’t tell her.

Oh shit, I forgot that she still wanted to read my journals. Oh well, it’s not like I can’t explain or whatever. If you’re reading this, Twilight, I just want you to know that you’re on my mind.

Chapter Thirty: Not Again!
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Thirty: Not Again!

Chapter Thirty: Not Again!

Okay, so I may have gotten lazy with my journals immediately after stroking my own ego about doing so well with them. I only missed a few days, so I don’t consider it that bad, but I still should have been more on top of my writing, though in my defense, other than a talk with Spike, nothing terribly important happened. I would have recorded more of my time with Twilight or some of the things Noir and I found to do, but after that little talk with Spike, I didn’t really feel like writing very much and the past couple of days were just boring. Seriously, the only times I had to leave the house were to go have a smoothie with Dash and have that little chat with Spike.

Since I keep mentioning it, I might as well write down what the talk was about. Spike came to a realization with Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom when they started arguing over who would spend the day with him Spike told me that, ultimately, he was going to have to choose between one or the other, and he just didn’t like that idea, and now he had Scootaloo interested in him too. I felt like the guy just needed a break from dealing with his girls, so I suggested that he spend few days by himself, but he said that doing so before had made both of his girls unhappy. The guy was in a bit of a bind, so I offered to talk to Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle while he was catching some much needed alone time, though he wasn’t too keen on having me handle his business for him. Spike resolved to talk to them about the way he felt the next time he saw them, and I wished the poor guy the best of luck.

The day after that, I met Rainbow Dash for that smoothie and we had a pretty good time. We got our drinks to go and sat in the park, poking fun at people passing by until we got caught calling this one blue mare with light brown hair a ‘chubby chunkums’. I hadn’t actually said it, but I received the blame nonetheless. The woman seemed to be more upset with me for the simple fact that she wasn’t familiar with me, so after Rainbow dashed away leaving me to deal with our consequences, I talked the woman out of being mad and she joined me on the park’s bench.

I learned that her name was Blueberry Tart, one of the women that Onyx saw on the regular. She was surprised to find that I knew the older guy, but I assured her that our relationship was like that of a father and son rather than me being one of his paramours. The thought of being under that hulking mass of pink muscle made me gag a little bit and Blue had a laugh at my reaction. We sat and talked for a good while after I apologized on Rainbow’s behalf for calling her chubby and cleared up the fact that I didn’t think she was chubby at all. The woman had a pretty good figure on her for being somewhere in her forties, though I said it in a very platonic way since I wasn’t trying to find another woman to shag on the side. I had enough already and Blue just wasn’t that type of woman to me. She reminded me a lot of how a mother is supposed to be, though I guess I wouldn’t really know beyond my experience with mothers who weren’t my own.

I invited Blue over to my house for a cuppa whenever she was free and she told me that she would be delighted to make my acquaintance sometime. We agreed that we would meet at a later date and left each other’s company after that. I’d taken a real liking to her and she seemed to enjoy my snark and wit enough to not hate me, so I figured that I just made a new friend. Blue was cooler than I had expected her to be since most Unicorns were snobby pricks, but that’s what you get when you have a small town as relaxed about social structure as Ponyville. Granted, it still existed no matter how you wanted to look at it, but I was at the top due to my status as a Baron. It sucked that I had been placed at the top without really having any input in the matter, but at least I wasn’t universally hated or anything.

Two days later, I woke up and started my day as I tend to do. A shower, some shaving, and a mug of coffee darker than Noir’s favourite activities. I’d woken up at five in the morning, so I had plenty of time to smoke and watch the Sun rise. I had never actually seen Celestia raise the Sun, but now that she was on my mind, I sent her a note, asking how she was doing. I had assumed that she was already in Day Court since she’d made the Sun get its fiery arse up in the sky, but I was surprised to learn that she actually did the Sun thing before breakfast every day so she would be able to enjoy her breakfast. I thought that it didn’t really matter since she could make her own damned schedule if she felt like it, but the way she had meted out her time made sense to me, even if I did think it was dumb.

Celestia wrote me back after a few minutes and wished me well during the course of my day, so I wrote her back and wished her an interesting day because I’m an arse like that. I consider interesting days to be generally bad, but in Celestia’s case, the word still had a positive connotation so it wasn’t like I had wished her a shitty day, at least, in her books. I grinned to myself and wondered what I should spend my day doing. I figured that I could go visit Twilight and see if her estrus was over so that we could go back to how things usually were, but I’d spent most of my time with Twilight over the past few weeks, so I picked someone else to spend my morning with. Fluttershy and Applejack were the only ones I that I knew would be up at this hour, so I headed over to Fluttershy’s cabin first since she was closer.

The walk over there had me passing a mother goose and her goslings, but I didn’t have any bread for them. I felt bad and apologized for not having a meal to give them, but the mother goose told me that they had just eaten at Fluttershy’s so it was fine. With that conversation over, I told her to have a good, boring day and she honked at me. I didn’t know what that was supposed to mean, so I just left and continued heading towards Fluttershy.

I got there a little late to help her feed the nocturnal animals, but she still had plenty of diurnal animals to take care of, so I lent her a hand and we got the day started right for her little friends. I appreciated Fluttershy’s restraint in not trying to dry hump me as soon as she saw me, but that didn’t last very long. She tried to convince me to give her some of the ol’ pole once we were finished with feeding her animals and I just told her to run it by Twilight since I was getting tired of Fluttershy’s advances. I didn’t want to start hating her for wanting me, but I was starting on that path, regardless of how I felt about it. When Fluttershy told me that she would indeed talk to Twilight about borrowing me, I took her outside, away from her animals.

“Look, Fluttershy. I’m not going to sit here and let you keep propositioning me whenever you see me. I’m honestly starting to feel like you don’t give a damn about me as a friend.” I said tersely.

Fluttershy stroked her mane. “I-I would never want you to think that you’re anything less than a friend to me, Max! I’ll stop asking so often, but I don’t exactly see you all the time…”

“But when you do see me, you ask. I know Twilight said it was cool under conditions, but please take my feelings into account. I’m not some toy to be passed around: I’m a person with thoughts and feelings.”

Fluttershy’s eyes welled up. “I’m so sorry! I never meant to make you feel that way!”

I gave her a hug because I wasn’t really that mad. “It’s okay, just keep it in mind, yeah? I know you like sex, but that’s not the only thing I’m good for.”

“Well… It was easier when we could go on dates.” Fluttershy said softly.

“Things change, poppet. You know that. Accept it for what it is and move on.” I told her not unkindly.

She nodded sadly. “I will. I don’t have to be happy about it, right?”

“I wouldn’t expect you to be, though it’s an option I’ll never deny you.”

She gave me a look and sighed. “How could I be happy that I lost my coltfriend to one of my own friends? I know that you and Twilight have something special, but I can’t help but think that maybe I won’t find somepony for myself.”

“What about Applejack? You two seem to have the physical part of your relationship down.” I suggested.

“It’s just not the same. I love Applejack as a friend, but not as a lover, and she can’t satisfy me the way you do.” Fluttershy said.

“You know you can buy a vibrating strap-on, right?” I asked.

“A what?” Fluttershy looked at me, bewildered.

I gave her a devious grin. “We’re going to go grab Applejack and take a little field trip back to my house. I was going to wait until your birthday, but now seems like a better time.”

“Max, what are you talking about?” She asked. “Should I be scared?”

“Only if you hate pleasure.” I said cryptically.

Fluttershy had more questions for me, but my answers never got any clearer. She eventually gave up about three quarters of the way to Applejack’s farm, so I considered that a plus. When we collected the orange cowgirl, she had similar questions to Fluttershy’s, but my answers didn’t change enough to give anymore information. Still, they followed me back to my house, though Applejack stopped and took a stand when I wouldn’t give her a straight answer until I told her that it was sex related and awesome.

Once we arrived at my house, I had Applejack and Fluttershy wait in my living room while I went upstairs to grab their presents. I had a random wired vibrator that I hadn’t really intended on giving anyone and the strap-on in my hands when I went downstairs, though I hadn’t taken them out of their boxes. I gave the strap-on to Applejack and the vibrator to Fluttershy, but I didn’t tell them anything about their gifts. I did tell them to open them the next time they wanted to spend some quality time together and they looked at each other before rushing off to do just that. Chuckling, I watched them leave and grabbed my pipe kit before heading over to Twilight’s for some nice relaxing faffing about.

No one was home when I got there, so I meandered about the ineptly name Town Square in hopes of finding something to do. I came across Rarity while she was doing some shopping and offered to carry some of her bags for her since I’m nice on occasion. She thanked me for being a gentleman and continued on with grabbing her groceries while I got lost in thought. I wondered what life would be like if I had chosen Rarity over Twilight, but it didn't sound terribly appealing to me. Constantly explaining that I didn’t mean to offend her, going over simple jokes, and telling her that there were just some things that I didn’t want to talk about didn’t strike me as a fun time, so I perished the thoughts and wondered about Fluttershy for a little bit.

It wasn’t that hard to see myself with Fluttershy since she was the first one of the girls that I’d started dating. I knew that I liked her as a person, but her nymphomania wore on me from time to time and I swear that all the girl thinks about is sex. It wouldn’t surprise me to learn that she had been writing fanfiction or something lame like that about me since she met me, but without asking her, there was no real way to know. I could always go for a snoop around her house, but doing something that I’d cussed people out for just didn’t strike me as a terribly fun thing to do.

While shopping with Rarity and being lost in my thoughts, Blue showed up out of… Well, the blue, and asked if I wanted to have that cup of tea with her in a few hours. I agreed, though Rarity was a little put off that I wouldn’t be spending my day with her. She didn’t have to say anything for me to know, so I offered to come back and spend some more time with her once Blue and I were finished with tea, which she agreed to in a heartbeat. It wouldn’t surprise me to find that Rarity still had feelings for me as well, but I knew that she wouldn’t make a move for fear of hurting Twilight, much like Fluttershy.

Rarity and I dropped her crap off at her flat and had some ‘special tea’, as she called it. I asked if it was from a specialty shop and Rarity responded appropriately with a loud groan and a shake of her head. We had the tea, though it tasted a little funny to me, and I noticed that Rarity was acting a bit strangely. She wasn’t talking as much as she usually did and asked me if I liked the tea three times over the course of a conversation. I told her that I did, despite feeling the exact opposite way and excused myself to go throw up after finishing my second cup. My stomach had gone sour out of nowhere and my body felt like it was heating up to the point where I nearly stripped in Rarity’s bathroom just to ease my suffering. I noticed that the old chap was standing upright in a way that made my think he was about to explode and I put the pieces together.

Rarity was waiting outside of the door, so I asked, “Rarity, did you fucking drug me?”

Her eyes shot open in genuine alarm. “What? No, Max, I would never do such a thing to you.” Like you haven’t in the fucking past.

“What was in that tea.” It wasn’t so much a question as a demand for an answer.

“I-I don’t know! Besides tea leaves, I truly don’t know Max, please believe me!” She pleaded.

Her body language said that she was being honest, so I stayed my hand. “What’s it called?”

“Well, it’s called... “ She muttered the name too softly for me to hear.

“Don’t make me ask again.” I warned.

Rarity flinched. “I-It’s called ‘Lover’s Tea’...”

“So it’s an aphrodisiac? Seriously, Rarity? Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I snarled.

“I-I didn’t know! I just thought it sounded like nice tea!” She lied poorly.

I groaned and closed the bathroom door to adjust myself. Once I was nice and low-key with the old chap, I opened it again to find Rarity wringing her hands. I walked right past her without saying a word to her. She knew that it was an aphrodisiac, and she’d known that I wouldn’t take kindly to being slipped something that would make me do something I hadn’t planned on doing, so Rarity was officially on my shit list. The only reason I didn’t flat out assault her was because… Well… I don't really have a good reason. I left so that I wouldn’t do that, which I considered a good thing. In any case, I was as furious as I was hard, and that was enough to make me think that seeing Rarity in the next few days was a bad idea.

I headed home since I severely needed some relief, though I was too mad to wank. I didn’t want to tear my own dick off because I wanted Rarity’s tits on a platter, so I tried waiting until I wasn’t as livid, but the only thing I really wanted to do was beat Rarity black and blue for slipping me something again. It wouldn’t have been quite so bad if it had been a one time thing, but this was the second time Rarity slipped me something and I felt so betrayed, I wrote her a note telling her that coming to my house would be the most foolish idea she’d ever had, and that I would happily see her in Hell the next time I visited. She didn’t respond, which pissed me off even more because I’d wanted her to say something that would make me go back into town to wipe the makeup off of her face with my fists.

I recognized my fury for what it was and had a seat to meditate. It took three times the usual amount of attempts to get into my mindscape, but once I was there, I found myself in the middle of a clearing with the sound of a babbling brook in the distance. Noir was sitting in the tall, lush grass and patted the spot next to her, signalling me to have a seat next to her.

I walked over and plopped down. “Why? Why would she do that?” I asked.

“As was the case before, Rarity wanted you in a way that she did not think you would be willing to give her. Keep in mind that this is the first time that she is aware of doing anything to you.”

“Doesn’t make it hurt less.” I said bitterly.

Noir went to lay a hand on my shoulder, but thought better of it. “Perhaps some hunting would take your mind off of it?”

I conjured up a copy of Rarity and a handgun. It doesn’t take a genius to know that I unloaded the whole clip into her. “This works better.”

As I was loading another clip, Noir waved away my creations. “Taking out your aggressions on facsimiles of her is not healthy.”

“It feels so much better.” I said irritably.

Noir rose and offered me a hand. “Come, Max. We will find something interesting to do while you wait for the aphrodisiac to wear off.”

I accepted her olive branch since I wasn’t mad at her, though I was still pretty heated. “Let’s kill something big. I want to ride the Lursite into battle.”

Noir chuckled. “At least you are still creative. We could revisit another war from my past if you are interested.”

“Can I still ride the Lursite?” I asked.

She chuckled some more. “Of course, thought I do not think it will be terribly fair if you do.”

“Who gives a damn.” I muttered darkly.

Noir rolled her eyes and the clearing started filling up with various bipedal creatures. There were Dogs, Cats, a Naga or two, a lot of Ponies, and even a Dragon that was twice Spike’s size. I was tempted to slip Rarity in there, just to kill her again, but Noir gave me a look that promised retribution if I so much as tried. It was frustrating to have someone who was neither my parent or my boss stop me from doing things I wanted to do, but I understood why Noir didn’t want me killing Rarity over and over again, despite my belief that it would be more therapeutic than killing nameless people in mismatched armor.

I brought forth the Warbling Blade and Nacht once more, preparing to dive head first into the fray when Noir laid a hand on my shoulder. “This is not a skirmish, Max. Choose an opponent.”

I rose from my crouch and scanned the crowd. I spotted something I wasn’t familiar with and pointed at it. “That one. The one with the horns.”

“A buffalo. A good choice for someone such as yourself.” Noir said cheerfully. She began walking toward the edge of the circle and the buffalo moved forward.

It seemed smaller in the distance, but as it approached, I saw that it was considerably taller and burlier than I was. It didn’t have any visible weapons on it, but its hands were wrapped in cloth, so I figured that it was more of a hands-on kind of fighter. I let Nacht disappear, but kept the Warbling Blade since I doubted that I would be able to beat it without some kind of weapon. Noir called out something unintelligible and the Buffalo started moving toward me, so I took that as the signal to begin.

I circled the Buffalo, watching its strides and measuring its arms. It had a good reach advantage on me, but I rather doubted that it wouldn’t be able to use every centimeter to its fullest. I didn’t know its style, so I approached it in my stance and kept myself light on my toes. Once there was little more than a meter between us, the buffalo charged me with its head down and I sidestepped it handily, stabbing it twice in the back as it passed. Neither strike was very deep, and the Buffalo didn’t stop there. It circled around a few feet after it passed me and lunged, throwing a punch with its full weight behind it.

I didn’t want to get hit, so I waited until it was nice and close to landing its punch to duck and drive my blade deep into its stomach. It froze in place as I helped it along with committing seppuku, spilling its entrails all over me. That was pretty gross and its corpse was now slumped on me. Unluckily for me, the bastard was heavy, so I had to use my tentacle to get it off. Noir was already walking toward me to dispel the body when I cleaned myself off, so I met her half way.

“Is that it? Next time, point me towards someone with a weapon.” I requested.

Noir nodded and patted my shoulder. “Easy fights are not fun. You could have the Dragon next, if you like.”

“I’m sure you want it more than I do.” I said flatly.

Noir grinned and it started walking forward. “I do. Would you mind terribly if I took a turn?”

I shrugged. “Go for it. Murder the shit out of that thing.” I started walking toward the edge of the circle.

“This one’s for you, baby!” She called after me.

I squeezed in between two Earth Ponies to watch as Noir worked her magic. She and the Dragon bowed to each other before getting started, which I thought was a nice touch. Noir conjured her usual claymore while the Dragon went for two wicked looking blades that had been strapped to its back. They seemed so stylized, edgy, and franky unusable that I highly doubted its prowess, but once Noir looked back and had me start the fight, I saw that they weren’t just for show. The Dragon moved like fire itself, its blades flickering around Noir as she dodged and dipped, trying not to allow it to score a blow. Her own swings were met with parries that rang throughout the clearing.

The Dragon kept the pressure up, but I never believed for a second that it would overtake Noir. From the way she was moving I could tell that she wasn’t fighting like her life depended on it, and apparently the Dragon sensed it too because it just got faster as time went on. I could trace the paths of its swings if I was focusing, but I was certain that I would have gotten fucking destroyed if I had chosen to go against it. Noir was taking its attacks and returning with her own like she was swatting flies.

Noir was poetry in motion. Probably Edgar Allen poetry since it was like a dark dance of violence, but it was beautiful nonetheless. I wanted nothing more than to jump in and join her in her fight, but I knew that she would be upset with me if I ruined such a good thing for her. While I was holding myself back, the first blow was scored, though unfortunately, it was on Noir. She took it like a champ and I could feel her get serious, despite the distance between us. It was as if the air dropped by a few degrees in preparation for her, and I couldn’t help but notice that, despite being emotionless constructs, everyone in the circle moved back.

Noir beat the Dragon back with the flat of her blade, as if punishing it for daring to mar her countenance. I couldn’t help the grin that formed on my face as she began attacking with the edge of her blade, opening gouges in the creature’s natural armor. It started losing ground once Noir stopped playing around, but I couldn’t help but think that she wasn’t giving it her all yet, saving her worst for the best opponent perhaps. She parried three blows in a row, stunning the Dragon for a few seconds while she worked on giving me things to make puns about. The first limbs to go were it’s arms, but that didn’t mean that the Dragon was defenseless. After all, it’s a fucking Dragon, so it started breathing fire at Noir, causing her to lose some ground herself. She took a page from my book and broke into a sprint around the Dragon, occasionally changing directions to get closer to it.

I don’t know if it ran out of fire or had lost too much blood, but when Noir was about two meters away from it, the fire stopped and she took her chance. One heavy swing later, and we had something worthy of mounting on a wall. Noir waved a hand and the body disappeared, leaving me to walk around and look for another opponent.

Noir met me about halfway and asked, “Isn’t this grand? Any person, any time, any weapon. Fights were made to be like this!”

I chuckled. “It’s pretty cool to test my strength against whatever I want. I trust you to find a good opponent for me, since I apparently can’t choose worth a damn.”

She tapped her chin and looked around. A black Pegasus with a longsword on its hip started walking forward and she wished me luck before joining the peanut gallery to watch the show. I brought Nacht back into existence and gave it a few test swings while the Pegasus approached. Noir called for the battle to begin before we had a chance to square off, so I immediately dropped into my stance and rushed the Pegasus before it could draw its sword.

I know it was a cheap move, but I wanted to win, and I was willing to use my wit and lack of morals to do so. I could have sworn I heard it curse as it tried to make some distance, but I was already too close for it to avoid getting hit by the Warbling Blade. It wasn't a terribly deep cut, but it made the Pegasus take a few more steps away from me once it had its sword drawn. I didn’t want to give it time to get prepared, so I lunged once again, and once my feet hit the ground, I feinted to the left and committed to the right, tricking the Pegasus into dodging the wrong way. It gave it it good laceration of its upper arm for its mistake and found myself growing a little angry with the Pegasus. It hadn’t shown me anything good so far, making me back off so I could see if it would actually be a decent fight.

The Pegasus approached slowly, tensed up to dodge wherever it needed, but when I just stood and glared at it, the creature gained some confidence and came at me quickly with a well timed swing. I jumped back to avoid getting cut and lunged forward, but this time, there was a blade heading straight for me, so I deflected it with the Warbling Blade and swung Nacht at its side, but the Pegasus’ speed with the blade was impressive. It blocked my blow and sent another myway, so I made a risky dodge and got within its reach, never expecting the Pegasus to turn around and buck me. Luckily, it hit me in the chest, so nothing was broken, but it did mean that I flew away, rolling once before getting up on one knee. It had knocked the breath out of me something fierce, and that was all it need to come at me for real.

I performed some anaerobic exercises in dodging the swings from the Pegasus, but I needed to breath just as badly as I needed to not get hit. I panted heavily once I got my breath back and made sure that I was fine before straight up running away from the Pegasus. It close behind, so when I looked back and saw that I was about to get cut, I rolled to the left and came up quickly before the Pegasus could get another swing in. I thrust Nacht deep into its side, but the creature didn’t fall. Instead, it seemed to go into a berserk mode that I’d seen before and I had to reverse my grip on the Warbling Blade to help deflect the torrent of blows that were coming my way. The odd shallow cut still landed from time to time, but I wasn’t quite dead yet, so when it went for a heavy overhead swing with both hands, I stepped into its guard and stuck the Warbling Blade into its ribs, aiming for its heart. It still didn’t die and sent a knee straight into my crotch.

I had been annoyed before, but now I was pissed. I ignored the pain and stabbed the Pegasus’ arms and legs, no longer aiming for a killing blow. I severed tendons and muscles like I was slicing through butter, my assault unending. Once I’d gotten a little upset, the Pegasus never stood a chance, and it was painfully obvious as I kept hacking away at the ligaments that made its body work. It fell to its knees once I whirled around and sliced its hamstrings, but even though it could no longer move its arms, I wasn't done yet. I ended up stabbing the thing eight more times before Noir came and stopped me. The only reason it had stayed kneeling at this point was because I was holding it up with Nacht in its chest.

Noir gripped my right hand as I was going for another lethal blow. “Max, that’s enough.” Noir said softly.

“That was not cool!” I protested. “Attacking the groin is like using fucking magic or something!”

“Regardless, it was dead seven stabs ago. Once you destroyed its brain, it was over.” Noir informed me. “Perhaps fighting was not the best way to abate your anger.”

I caught my breath and cleaned myself of the blood that had sprayed on me. “You think? Don’t get me wrong, this is fun, but I still want to hurt Rarity.”

“...Perhaps you would enjoy learning the bow?” Noir suggested. She gave me a look and said, “We’re not using Rarity shaped targets.”

“I want that to be a last resort if I can’t hit anything.” I requested.

“It’s not a resort at all. I will not have you harming the likeness of one of your friends.” Noir sid firmly.

“How friendly is Rarity really? She’s date raped me once and practically tried to do it again, so forgive me if I’m not exactly eager to forgive her.”

“I understand, Max-”

“But do you really, Noir? I know you can feel my emotions or whatever, but do you know what it’s like to have your trust thrown in your face, time after time, by people who promised to never hurt you? Do you know what it’s like for someone to be after your body and pretty much just that? I mean fucking seriously, am I nothing but a piece of meat that happens to say funny stuff-”

“Shut up.” Noir said coldly. “I have known far worse betrayals than you would ever know, child. This little incident with Rarity is so miniscule, so damned unimportant in the grand scheme of your life, that I want nothing more than to tell you to get the fuck over it. Quit your whining and-”

I closed my eyes and opened them in my house. I knew that Noir was right about there being worse ways to betray someone, but there was no way that I was ever going to agree with her about getting over it. Being stabbed in the back so many times made me want nothing to do with Rarity anymore, and I was still pissed at her for being so fucking sneaky, but Noir’s scathing words had hurt about half as much as Rarity’s betrayal. I knew that she was probably just trying a different tactic or had just become tired of dealing with me, but her words had still left their mark, as much as I would like to say otherwise. Noir was more than a friend to me, so her words weighed rather heavily in my mind, but I tried to let it go.

Unfortunately, I was still rock hard since the aphrodisiac hadn’t worn off and my dick felt like it was ready to punch through my pants and slap me, so after cooling off for a few moments, I walked around my house and touched random things until I was breathing normally again, but I didn’t really want to go back into my mind. I was debating going back in when I heard a knock on my door. I assumed that it was Blue, come for that cup of tea that we’d mentioned earlier, so I wasted no time in getting to the door.

“Hello, Max!” Blue said brightly. “Are you ready for tea?”

“Of course. Do you want to check my stock, or do you want to go somewhere?” I asked.

“Well, I’m curious as to what a Baron would have.” Blue said.

“Then come on in. There’s this one tea from Saddle Arabia that I’ve gotten pretty fond of, but you might want to give it a smell first.” I turned around and headed toward my kitchen

“I’ll give it a sniff.” Blue chuckled. “So what happened to Rarity?” She looked around as she followed me.

“She tried slipping me an aphrodisiac, and now I’m mad at her.”

Blue gave me an odd look. “Why would she do that? She’s a pretty enough mare, I’m sure you would have listened if she’d asked.”

“I would have, but she didn’t think so, apparently.” I said with much salt. “Let’s get off this topic and move on to something else. How’s the clothing business in Ponyville?”

“Well, it was nice and profitable before Rarity showed up.” Blue sighed. “Now a lot of ponies want customized outfits, but we just can’t do that.”

“Really? I’m pretty sure that most of the casual clothes that I have are from your shop. It’s not like you have bad stuff.”

She shrugged. “It’s just the way things are, honey. I’m not mad at her for it, though I do wish that she would hurry up and take her business to Canterlot. It’s obvious that she wants to.”

“Rarity is complicated like that. I don’t think she’s ever actually going to leave Ponyville, but what do I know? She might decide to leave tomorrow.”

“I wish she would.” Blue muttered under her breath. At my raised brow, she blushed and asked, “Oh, did you hear that?”

“There isn’t much that gets past me these days. I don’t blame you for wanting the biggest threat to your business to leave.”

“Oh, I just feel like such a bad pony for saying that! It’s not her fault that she has her own hopes and dreams, but I just hate that they’re interfering with mine! You understand, right?” Blue asked.

“Of course I do, Blue. I probably understand better than anyone else. Maybe you could talk to her and collaborate on some designs? I’m sure that she has the skill to make something that can be mass produced, and just think: It’ll be profitable for both of you. Rarity gets a cut of what you sell, and you get to sell something designer made at a lower price. If you need to convince her, I’d be willing to hash out some negotiations for you.” I offered.

“Aren’t you upset with her? I would hate for you to have to deal with somepony you’re not happy with just to do something for me.”

“Blue, I do that all the time. This isn’t the first time Rarity’s pissed me off, though this is probably the worst. You seem like a good sort to me, so I’m willing to help you out, and that’s really all there is to it.”

Blue gave me a brilliant smile. “Thank you, Max. You know, you remind me a lot of my son, Cream Pie. He would be about your age now.” She added sadly. Are you fucking kidding me with that name?

“He passed away?” I asked softly.

She nodded, so I said, “I’m sorry to hear that. I know what it’s like to lose family.”

“You do?” She asked.

I nodded. “Both parents and my brother.” And the rest of my species, but whatever.

She clutched her hands to her heart. “You poor thing! I only lost my parents these past few years! I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose so much so young.”

I shrugged. “My parents passed when I was younger and my brother passed a few years ago. The pain fades in time.”

Blue came over and gave me a warm hug. “Ponies say that, but the pain never really goes away, now does it?” She held me at arm’s length and smiled sadly. “You grow tougher from it, but it’s hard to love again when it feels like you can’t hold on to anypony.”

I patted her shoulder. “I wasn’t that close to my parents anyways. Why don’t we talk about something more pleasant instead of getting all morbid right away?” I chuckled.

She gave me a funny look. “What do you mean you weren’t close to your parents? How could you be distant with the ponies that raised you?”

“Only one of them gave a damn and both were bad examples in my book. How about that tea?”

Blue looked pretty upset about that, but she let the topic go and we moved on to the wonderful world of tea. She ended up going with the Saddle Arabian blend that I’d suggested and we talked about some things that go on in Ponyville that I was previously unaware of. Apparently there was a beauty pageant coming up that no one had told me about, though it wasn’t like I was planning on going anyways. Pageants really weren’t my thing in England and I felt little compulsion to go to one while I was in Equestria, so unless Twilight wanted to go, I wasn’t going to bother showing up. Other than that, life in Ponyville stays boring.

We agreed to meet during the weekend for another cuppa and Blue took her leave with a couple of my tins of tea. I wasn’t particularly fond of the kinds I’d given her, so it wasn’t like I was going to miss them at all. I waved her off at the door and sighed. I still had to deal with the Rarity thing, and now I had to go back and talk to Noir about bitching so much. I was still pissed at Rarity, but I wasn’t thinking of decking her now, so I returned to my couch and travelled into my mind again.

Noir was waiting for me in the void. There were no constructs, landmarks, or anything of the sort. It was a little unsettling, so I created a carpeted floor and some chairs for us, but Noir waved them away before I could have a seat. That annoyed me slightly, but I figured that I would hear what she had to say before doing anything.

“Max.” She said softly.

“Noir.” I replied in the same tone.

“I am… I apologize for snapping at you.” Noir held her chin high like she was daring me to disagree.

“I apologize for straight up ignoring your experiences. Your life has been Hell compared to mine, and it’s unfair of me to expect you to sit and listen while I complain about my problems.”

We stood in silence for a minute or two before I started chuckling. “We’re not going to be this weird every time we have a disagreement, are we?” I asked.

Noir lowered her chin and I saw the corners of her mouth twitch. “I suppose we could be less weird about it. I would like to compliment you on leaving before I said something I regretted.”

“You don’t regret calling me a child?” I asked, feigning emotional trauma.

“Compared to me, you are not even a sperm.” Noir cracked a little smile.

“I bet you wish you could have this sperm inside you. You’re a naughty little princess, aren’t you?” I teased.

Noir chuckled. “I was naughty as a princess, but I was bad as a queen. Both definitions would have suited me quite well.”

“Well, bad as in hot is inarguable. Bad as in evil requires me to know what you were like before you were fused into my soul.”

“Thank you for the compliment, but I do not believe that I want to tell you about my past just yet. It would be hard for you to look at me the same way.” Noir smiled sadly.

“I understand that better than most, though I would like to point out that I don’t deserve to have you around if I can’t handle the whole package. I accept you for you, Noir, not just who you want me to know.”

She’d already known that I was going to say that, but the tear in her eye still formed and fell. “It… That… Thank you. I will tell you in time, but for now, thank you for accepting me, as flawed as I am.”

I gave her a stern look. “Do I have to give you the ‘Nobody’s Perfect’ talk? I can change it up from the one I gave Celestia if you need me to.”

Noir rolled her eyes and walked toward me, stopping an arm’s length away. “There is no need for such talks. I know that I am not perfect, but that does not hinder me from wanting to make you happy. If I can help you, then you can help others and the goodwill should spread.”

“So me taking shots at Rarity seemed like a pretty big setback for you.” I surmised.

She shrugged. “I was mostly unhappy seeing you so angry at a friend. I understand your pain and why you were so upset, but Lover’s Tea is innocuous enough to ponies. It is rarely enough to cause even a stirring in one’s loins, so I understand why Rarity thought it would be harmless.”

I gave her a look. “That actually makes me a lot less mad with Rarity. Why didn’t you say something earlier?”

“I may have forgotten.” Noir said, looking off to the side. At my droll look, she said, “In my defense, managing two people’s memories is a challenging task. Sometimes it is quite difficult to sort through the flood of information from my thousands of years.”

I shook my head. “I don’t know what living for thousands of years is like, so I’ll take your word for it. At least you remembered before I did something drastic.”

She nodded. “I am glad that you were willing to speak with me, even though you were hurt.”

I shrugged. “I was in the wrong. I shouldn’t have lashed out at you in the first place.”

Noir waited for a moment. “...Are you not going to apologize for it?”

“I’m sorry for lashing out at you.” I said sincerely. “I would have said so earlier, but I didn’t think too hard about it.”

She nodded. “Apology accepted, though if you do so again, we are wrestling. No exceptions.”

“Fine, but if you snap at me again, we’re playing pool and I shoot first.”

Noir gasped. “Surely you wouldn’t brutalize a woman in such a fashion again!?”

I stared at her. “This from the same woman who can dislocate her shoulder on command?”

“Self inflicted pain is different. Speaking of, congratulations on your first month free of self harm!” Noir beamed.

I scratched at the ghost of my beard. “Oh yeah. That’s pretty cool.”

“You are not excited. Ah, you do not think that you deserve applause for not doing something incredibly stupid anyways.”

“Exactly. I should have quit a long time ago, but the healing factor made it easy to get away with. Now that I have you around, it’s not like I’m willing to risk it anymore, just in case you tell Luna and she comes down from Canterlot to smite the fuck out of me.”

“I would smite you. There is little I can influence outside of your body, but I would be willing to expend my magic to slap you a few times.”

I patted her shoulder. “Nice to know you care, love.”

Noir gave me a peck on the cheek. “You already knew that. What do you say to a game of Monopoly?”

I gave her a funny look. “The board game?”

Noir created a table and some uncomfortable looking chairs. “Yes, the board game. I have reviewed the rules, and it seems like a simple game.”

I changed the chairs to something less sucky and had a seat. “It is, but I want to be the banker.”

Noir rolled her eyes and conjured up two white unicorns. They didn’t really look like anyone, nor did they have manes, so I assumed that Noir was filling in some of our empty slots. “The construct will be the banker. It would do you no favors anyway: I would know when you were about to cheat.”

“Wouldn’t stop me from slipping you an extra hundred now and again, but if you don’t want to have fun, I guess we can destroy our relationship.” I sighed. “Dibs on the dog.”

“Then I will take the hat. I like the hat.” Noir said simply.

Monopoly is boring as fuck on a good day, so I’m skipping all that noise. Noir won because she was better at cheating than I was, or she was extremely lucky. Either way, she rubbed it in nice and deep until I found out that I could change the color of her coat without her noticing. I turned Noir into a slightly taller version of Celestia and giggled away as she tried to gloat. Noir asked me what I was laughing about multiple times, but I couldn’t stop long enough to tell her that she pulled off the benevolent tyrant look rather well.

She eventually found out what I did when I couldn’t look at her anymore. Noir was rather annoyed by my little prank and turned me into Pinkie because she’s spiteful like that, though I changed as soon as I saw that my hands were pink. I asked Noir not to turn me into a Pony again because it felt wrong, so she tried turning into a Human version of her normal self. She still had the horn and the wings, but her facial features, hooves, and skin tone all transformed into that of your average human. I wasn’t terribly surprised that Noir decided to go with a nice chocolatey brown for her skin tone, though I was surprised at how big her feet were. What really took me by surprise was the fact that she was even hotter as a human. Like, she made supermodels look like trolls in comparison, and I found myself biting my tongue so I wouldn’t try and charm her. Noir changed back quickly enough, stating that she wasn’t terribly fond of toes, and I was grateful that I hadn’t said anything other than that she looked nice. Noir and I both knew that it was a mixed bag, seeing another human, so we let it the issue lie and Noir assured me that she would only change back into a human if I asked.

After we got over the little Human thing, I found out that Noir had a phobia of toes. Now, I’m not the worst fellow out there, so I only constructed four monuments to the things on my feet, but Noir asked me to write down that I pursued her with my shoes off for a good ten minutes after I learned of her aversion to toes. I wondered if there were any other ponies that were terrified of toes when I left, so I decided to go back to Twilight’s and give her a shot.

The walk there was interesting to say the least. The mother goose that I’d met the other day followed me around for a little bit and the ducks that had manned grape slash lemonade stand joined her in tailing me up until I got into town. Once we were there, I stopped by the other bakery in town and returned to my water fowl with a loaf of bread in hand. I tore off a sizable chunk for the mother goose to take back to her babies and gave the ducks plenty to fill their bellies. They honked and quacked their gratitude to me before departing, going back to wherever it was that they lived.

That made me smile for some odd reason.

I still had some bread left since the ducks hadn’t wanted the rest of it, so I bought some cheddar and had myself a cheese sandwich. It was pretty good, considering I didn’t have anything else on it, and it put something on my stomach so I wouldn’t ravage Twilight’s pantry. Spike was home when I came back again, so he let me in.

“So what brings you over?” Spike asked, leading the way to the kitchen.

“I want to see if my toes freak Twilight out. There was another woman that panicked pretty hard when she saw them, so I wanted to run a little experiment.”

He gave me a devious grin. “She’s not a fan of them. I used to walk around the library bareclawed, but Twilight made me start wearing house shoes when I was eight or nine. If you want to mess with her, I’m toetally in!” That’s my boy.

“Mate, you’re the best surrogate little brother a guy could ask for. When does she get home?” I asked.

“She should be back in an hour, so we have time to do stuff. I have to make dinner, but you’re free to stick around.”

I nodded. “I’ll be back in like, ten minutes. I’ve got to go see if Cobble Pot has my new boots ready.”

Spike looked down at my current boots. “I didn’t want to say anything, but I’m glad you’re getting new shoes. It’s about time, mate.”

I cringed on the inside. “What’s wrong with the ones I have on? They still work!”

He gave me a womanly look, which I assumed he picked up from being in a female heavy town. Still, it made me doubt his sexuality. “Dude, your boots saw better days when you first got here. I’m surprised they’ve held together this long.”

“I paid a hundred quid for these goddamn boots, they better last me!” I said irritably. “I just need another placed to stick knives at this point.”

“That’s pretty scary, Max.”

“Knives are tools as well as weapons, Spike. They’re not unitaskers, only usable for stabbing people.”

“I remember you telling Twilight that once. I still don’t see why you carry around weapons in a town as nice as Ponyville, but if you wanna be paranoid, go for it.” He shrugged.

I patted his shoulder and went to go see the cobbler. The guy had actually gotten my shit done yesterday, which was super cool. I didn’t need a box since it wasn’t like I had a lot of things to carry, but I really just wanted to look at the craftsmanship on my new things. I hadn't had him stylize them at all, but they were still pretty fashionable, so I’d be able to wear them with just about anything I wanted. I took the time to transfer my knives over to the new boots, but I still need to grab my dirk and put it in there. I’d taken to leaving it behind since I had the Warbling Blade on my hip and my big throwing knife taking up the slot in my old boots, but now I had an extra sheath in my shoes, so I could take it with me if I really felt like it.

I wondered if I should start carrying Nacht around with me since it was the symbol of my authority, but decided against it while I was in Ponyville. I could handle most threats with my telekinesis or Dark Magic, so there was no real reason to bring it along with me besides showing off. I figured that the Warbling Blade and the seals on it were enough to get me through whatever kerfuffle would show up in town, so it wasn’t like I was stressing about looking important. Hell, every Pony in Ponyville already knew who I was, so how could I justify bringing a fighting dagger around like I was looking to stab something anyway? No, Nacht would stay on my mantle until I left Ponyville again, and I reminded myself that I really needed to start carrying it outside of Ponyville.

Spike was waiting for me when I returned, so we took our shoes off and walked around the Treebrary for a little bit, gracing the floors with our magnificent toes until Twilight came through the door. We approached her at the same time, Spike taking her left side while I went on her right.

“Hullo, cherry. How was your day?” I asked with a devious grin.

“Yeah, how’s it going, Twilight?” Spike asked.

She gave us both an odd look. “...While I’m glad that my two favourite stallions are happy to see me, I don’t trust it for a second. What did you two do?”

I crept a little closer and Spike did the same. There wasn’t much space between Twilight, Spike and I now, so she backed up to the door, but we kept up our approach. “Why do we have to do something to want to make you feel welcome in your own home? Maybe we just want to show a little interest in you.” I said.

Spike gave Twilight a hug. “I love you, big sister!”

Twilight hugged him back, but never took her eyes off of me. “Okay, seriously, you’re starting to weird me out a little here.”

I came in for a hug and started rubbing Twilight’s legs with my toes. “Why, whatever do you mean?”

She looked down at the contact and jumped hard, absolutely freaking out. She tried to open the door to get away from our magnificent appendages, but Spike held the door shut and I kept rubbing her with my toes.

“Ew! Stop! Stop! EWWWWW!” She cried, balling her hands up and shying away from the toe-toes. She stood on one leg as if it would help her get away from them,

Spike poked the leg she was standing on with his claws and she squealed so hard. “Get those gross things off of me!” Twilight wailed.

I backed off a little and Spike followed my lead. Twilight teleported past us and ran upstairs before slamming her door shut. We looked at each other and Spike was already cracking up, so when he burst out laughing, I wasn’t too far behind, losing my shit as he lost his. We tried to talk about what had just happened, but we were dying too hard to get so much as half a sentence out, so we waited until we could breathe properly to even try again.

“Dude.” Spike chuckled.

“Dude.” I replied elegantly.

We fist bumped and put our shoes back on, though I switched over to my new boots, which were quite comfy. I headed upstairs and knocked on Twilight’s door. “Hullo? I’ve got shoes on, cherry.”

Twilight’s door opened just a smidge, and after a second, it opened all the way to expose a frowning Twilight. “That was very not nice.”

“If I’m nice all the time, how will you know when I’m being mean?” I gave her a cheeky grin.

Twilight glared at me and tried to step on my toes, but my footwork was faster than hers. “Why do you even need those things!? Ponies get around just fine with hooves!”

I stepped in like I was trying to pierce her guard and picked her up by her thighs. She panicked and wrapped her legs around me so she wouldn’t fall, which I thought was rather nice. “Humans have toes because we need them for maneuverability and climbing.” I gave her a peck. “I’ve explained this. Why didn’t you tell me that ponies don’t like toes?”

“I never had a reason to.” She wrapped her arms around my neck and pouted. “Why would I give you something to use against me”

“Because your reactions are adorable. You’ve seen my toes before, so why were you freaking out?” I asked.

“Seeing them and feeling them are two completely different things!”

“Does this mean I have to wear socks in bed?” I quipped.

“Just because you asked; Yes.”

“I can’t sleep with socks on. That’s just awful!”

Twilight shrugged. “It’s your own fault.”

“I’m not wearing socks to bed. Seriously, I can’t sleep at all with them on.”

“You should have thought about that before assaulting me with your evil feet.”

I rolled my eyes and leaned forward for a kiss. “So is your week over, or do we still have to abide by the rule?”

Twilight blushed. “It’s over. Can you let me down?”

I put her down gently and she gave me a peck for being nice. “Then you and Spike are invited to come over if you like. This is a formal invitation; you know that you’re always welcome in my home.”

She smiled. “And you know that the same is true for you. I’ll ask Spike if he wants to go.”

“I do!” He called from down the stairs. I wondered how the Hell he’d heard us until I heard him walking up.

“Then it’s settled. Let me clean up a little and feel free to come on over.” I said.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Your house is never dirty, Max. I swear, you must have obsessive compulsive tendencies or something.”

“That’s not true.” I twitched. “That’s not true.” Another twitch. “That’s not true.”

She gave me a longsuffering look and sighed. “I don’t know why you’re doing that, but I’m sure that it’s inappropriate.”

“It is. I’d probably get cussed out by someone who actually has OCD if I ever did that near them.”

She patted my shoulder and walked past me. “I’ll see you soon, my offensive little Human.”

I pinched her bottom as she passed, making her let out the most adorable ‘Eep!’. “See you soon, cherry.”

I left and went home, looking for something to clean. I wiped down my various tables and countertops because I felt like it, and since the floor didn’t need to be swept, I took my time in scanning the premises for more things to fix. My bullshit perception meant that I could spot the smallest dust bunny wherever it decided to hide, so cleaning was something that I was constantly doing. It wasn’t just that I liked to keep things presentable, I actually felt a strong compulsion to look for things to clean since I like to take care of my crap.

I left the front door unlocked so Twilight could just walk in, leaving the first floor to go collect my pipe. I was halfway through my third bowl when Twilight and Spike came in, though I was on the back porch since it was nice enough to smoke outside. They joined me after a little while and I showed Twilight the progress that Briar had made with the greenhouse project. We had four small hybrid plants that would grow over time and the plant that I’d most recently cut down was different from the one we had been smoking on, if Twilight’s analyzation was correct. I cut us off enough to make a small cigar and my sweetheart helped me get things put together so we could try it out.

It was definitely different, but I wasn’t terribly fond of it. I felt like I was speeding off of something and Twilight felt the same way, but she liked the feeling, so I gave the rest of the plant to her and went to go find my usual stuff. At least every plant was different so I wouldn’t have to worry about getting such a strong sativa again, but still, I swept and mopped everything. My house was more spotless than it had been before, and I was still bursting with energy, so I took Twilight and Spike for a brisk walk around town. By the time I’d finally calmed down, Spike was beginning to get a little tuckered out and Twilight was panting from trying to keep up with me. The shorter siblings had never stood a chance at keeping up with me, and I felt a little bad about running them ragged while trying to work out the extra energy. I was still high, but at least I wouldn’t mind sitting still now.

When we got back to my house, Twilight made me smoke three more bowls of my usual stuff. She didn’t really give me a choice. I complied because I’d wanted to smoke anyway, but being forced to ingest intoxicants always sounds like a terrible time. Thankfully, Twilight joined me for the first two, though the third one was all me.

Once the Moon was high in the sky, I sent Luna a note, thanking her for making the night so damned beautiful. It gave me a chance to finally use the observatory that I’d been ignoring up until now, and once Twilight got her hands on my telescope, she fell in love. She pointed out more constellations than I care to remember and Spike added a few that he’d read about himself. It was a good way to spend a couple of hours, though my earlier running around had worn Spike out pretty well. He took the room next to the observatory since I’d designated it as his whenever he came over.

I did some writing while Twilight skimmed through my journals, though she went back and did a deeper read once she’d gotten the general idea. I tried to ignore Twilight’s reactions to some of the darker aspects of my thoughts, but it was hard for me to sit by while she looked into my soul and saw my sins. I felt unclean, but I hoped that it wouldn’t change Twilight’s view of me. The parallel to what Noir had told me earlier that day just became even clearer, but it wasn’t like I needed something to help me understand better. I already got the picture, but the point was driven home while Twilight browsed through my deeds, and I did my best to tell myself that she would love me anyway.

Twilight suddenly sat up. “Did you really threaten to kill Diamond Tiara for bullying Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle?”

I nodded. “I did.”

“...Don’t do that again. Not to a filly or a colt.” Twilight requested.

“I make no promises, but I’ll keep your words on my mind.”

“I guess that’s all I can ask.” She sighed before laying back down on my leg.

When she didn’t continue reading, I asked, “Is something wrong? Other than the obvious.”

“It’s just… You’re such a grey pony. You’re not really good like most ponies, and you’re not really all that bad. You’re really nice to ponies who are nice to you, but if somepony crosses you, it’s like you stop caring about what ponies think of you and you make sure that the pony who upset you knows it.”

“I’m not mean for just any reason. Someone has to mess with someone I’m loyal to or betray me for me to stay mad at them for very long.”

“Or they have to do something incredibly stupid. I read through the part about Pinkie stealing your journal, and I have to ask; What does ‘cunt’ mean?”

“It’s a slur. It actually means vagina, but it’s a terribly offensive word from my world, though I don’t know why.”

“So why call Pinkie ‘Cuntie’ if you don’t know why it’s mean?” Twilight asked.

“Because it got my point across.” I said simply.

“And you really flipped a coin on whether or not you would stop calling Pinkie that name?”

“Yup. How many times have I told you that I’m not a good person?”

“A lot, and I get it. The way you do terrible things so casually kind of surprises me, but what’s really interesting is how much you’ve changed over the few months you’ve been here. You went from secretive and friendly to open and grim a few times. A lot of your journals are hard to read.”

“I understand that. Ponies aren’t exactly used to the darkness of humans, and I’m exceptionally dark for being one.”

Twilight reached up and caressed my cheek. “But it’s just who you are. You’ve said multiple times in your journals that you torture yourself over your mistakes and, if I’m not mistaken, that’s the reason you used hurt yourself so often…” She trailed off and looked at me expectantly.

I raised a brow. “I haven’t hurt myself since I learned that Noir was inside of me.”

Twilight smiled. “And just like that, you make progress. I’m proud of you, Max.”

I rolled my eyes, but I couldn’t stop my face from warming. “Thanks cherry, but I still have work to do.”

“That might be true, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t take pride in your accomplishments so far.” Twilight admonished gently.

I put my hand on her tummy and rubbed it because I felt like it. “I’m not saying that I’m not proud, I’m just saying that I can’t get complacent. I’ve got to keep moving forward.”

“Yeeeeah?” Twilight said dreamily.

I gave her a funny look and stopped rubbing her tummy. Twilight returned to normal, though she still had a distant look on her face, so I went back to doing what I’d been doing. Twilight seemed to melt into my couch, though I couldn’t quite understand why until I put two and two together. With a grin, I put my writing aside and rubbed Twilight ears while giving her tummy the same attention and she appeared to be in bliss, though I didn’t really understand the reasoning behind it. I stopped once Twilight’s freakishly long tongue lolled out of her mouth, despite being tempted to continue just to see what else would happen if I kept going. It took Twilight a minute to come back to me, but once she did, she practically dragged me upstairs and gave me one of the best mouth hugs I’d ever received in my life.

I made a note to do that again.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Morning came and I didn’t have socks on, so I was pretty content. Twilight wasn’t going to be up until the Sun rose at the earliest, and it was about five in the morning when I got up, which meant that I had a few hours of alone time to fill. After preparing for my day in the usual way, I came back upstairs and levitated Twilight out of bed with my tentacle, making sure not to wake her up. I traded my comforter for a smaller, though equally warm blanket and carried Twilight outside to my porch so I could watch the sunrise with her. I know it sounds creepy or inconsiderate of me to move her just so I could spend a nice moment with her, but at least I hadn’t woken her up. I figured that I’d probably be more okay with waking up somewhere I hadn’t laid down than with having someone wake me up just for some short event, but Twilight never woke up anyway, so it wasn’t like I had to tell her about it. I would, of course, but I could’ve just as easily kept that information to myself.

After some coffee, I took Twilight back to bed and cuddled up to her. I’d missed the simple act of sleeping with her during the week we’d spent the nights in our own company instead of each other’s, and it was pleasant to get back to what and whom I loved. I don’t know if I used ‘whom’ correctly, but fuck you. Not you, Twilight, but anyone else.

Twilight eventually got out of bed, though she mentioned that she’d had the strangest dream that she was floating around my house. I told her that it wasn’t a dream and that I’d brought her sleeping form along during my morning activities. She thought that it was a bit odd, but when I mentioned that having her around just made everything better, regardless of whatever it was, she gave me a kiss and told me that I was sweet. Internally, I was high fiving myself for dodging a bullet and doing something perceived as romantic, though externally, I was busy making Spike regret coming over by snogging Twilight. We toned it down after the second gag, but my mind stayed focused on Twilight’s lips for the duration of breakfast. I can’t even tell you what we had.

Sadly, Twilight has her own house to look after, so she parted ways around noon, telling me that she would be back for the slumber party that I’d forgotten about. Once they were gone, I checked my pantry and ate a few more random things to satiate my monstrous appetite, although I’d only gone in there to check what kinds of snacks I had for the party. I ain’t had no shit, which meant that I was going to have to translocate my way into town, buy edible morsels, and haul them back. At least it was something to do.

I went way overboard with the amount of snacks I bought, but my reasoning was that I didn’t want to have to make another trip anytime soon. That, and I fucking love pecan tarts. I ended up buying out Sugarcube Corner, but it was so incredibly worth it. Seriously, if someone committed murder in my town and bribed me with pecan tarts, they’d probably get away with it. The tarts were definitely mine, so I hid them in my icebox and covered them with some healthy nonsense so that no one would be tempted to go after them. Mine.

I considered writing for a few hours, but I didn’t visit Noir since Twilight was over, so I decided to see what my favourite eldritch being was doing. After closing my eyes and taking the customary three breaths, I was in my mindscape.

I was expecting to see Noir doing something, anything, other than furiously masturbating with the hilt of a sword. I watched on in mild shock as she pistoned the pommel in and out of herself, and I’m pretty sure my jaw hit the floor as the Ol’ Chap rose to see what was going on. I have no idea how long I just stood there and stared, but I eventually had the wherewithal to take myself out of Noir’s private moment, even though I wanted nothing more than to watch until she finished. Honestly, I wanted to see what her O-face looked like, and I was curious as to whether or not she would cut herself during her orgasm, but my born and bred English Politeness™ wouldn’t allow me to fulfill my curiosity without risking being rude. I considered having a wank because the aforementioned event was fucking hot, but I felt like I should get Noir’s permission before thinking of her in that way, so I conjured up a replica of the bow Luna gave me and made some targets appear in the distance.

After my first few shots went nowhere near the target, something in my mind just clicked. It was almost as if I’d held a bow before, despite never even having seen a real one. I wondered what the Hell was happening as I adjusted my stance like I’d done it a thousand times before. For some odd reason, I thought of Roger Godberd, a historical figure that I’d taken a great interest in while I wasn’t doing jobs in England. The parallel made sense to me in a way, but that didn’t stop me from feeling a little terrified about what was happening.

In my new stance, I conjured a quiver of arrows and slung them around my hip, taking three at once, holding the two I wasn’t using in the same hand I drew the bow with. I remembered that holding multiple arrows at once was an old technique with many variations, although the particular way I was holding mine didn’t strike me as familiar. While my mind was racing, I took aim and let the first arrow fly, but I didn’t take long to send the other two racing after it, launching them withing seconds of each other.

The target was only about fifteen or so meters away, but I had hit the center of the target with each arrow, despite having no fucking clue how I did it. As I was pulling my arrows of of the target, I heard Noir cough a couple of times behind me and jumped hard, whirling around with my bow drawn in her face. Noir raised a brow, but she didn’t so much as flinch at having an arrow ready to fly into her skull. I relaxed the bow and let out a breath that I didn’t realize I’d been holding.

“Fucking Christ, Noir! You spooked the piss out of me!” I laughed.

She blushed and coughed again. “I am sure that your urine is in the proper place. Forgive me, Max, I did not mean for you to see… That, earlier.”

I slung my bow over my shoulder like I knew what I was doing and grabbed her shoulder. “Never apologize for taking care of your needs. I’m sorry I didn’t give you your privacy sooner.”

Noir’s blush didn’t fade. “At least you liked what you saw.” She said softly.

“How could I not? You already know that I think you’re only slightly less attractive than Twilight, and that’s saying a lot.” I emphasized.

Noir rolled her eyes. “Yes, comparing one woman to another is a great way to get in her good books.”

I shrugged. “I just don’t feel the need to twist my words for you. If you didn’t already know what I meant, I’d probably give it a shot.”

“Could you do that anyway? Just because I know what you mean doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t like to be complimented properly.”

I nodded. “Rewinding. Error found: Correcting.” Noir gave me an odd look. “How could I not? You already know I think that you’re one of the sexiest, most attractive women I’ve ever met. It doesn’t hurt that you’re pleasant, well mannered, and intelligent as well as adventurous.”

Noir nodded, her blush returning. “Much better.”

I shook my head at her. “Making me be nice is evil.”

“Making you speak to me as you would any other woman you intend on laying is sensical. If you keep it up, you’ll come closer to your goal.”

I shrugged. “Just because I want to put my wonky willy in your honey hole doesn’t mean that I’m in a hurry to do so. We have nearly two thousand years to have sex, so why rush it?”

“Actually, if you so desire, I could most likely extend your life so that you live through your second millennia.” Noir offered.

“I went through all the trouble of saying ‘wonky willy’ and ‘honey hole’, and you don’t even comment on it?” I asked, mildly offended.

“If you get offendered, your booty is surrendered.” Noir said gravely.

“What the fuck?”

“‘What the fuck’ indeed. You are not the only one who can spout vulgar nonsense.” Noir smirked.

I sighed. “You’re never going to beat me at my own game, dame. If you think you can, your brain is lame. Everyone knows my nonsense has fame.”

“You were stretching for the last one.”

“I’ll stretch you. Oh wait, you do that yourself. I swear, if you whip out something from Bad Dragon, I’m never talking to you again.”

Noir closed her eyes and I was suddenly surrounded by a forest of phalluses. “You were saying?”

“...I dare you to take one in the bum.”

She shook her head. “That is not happening. I prefer Pony penis, thank you very much.”

“You’re welcome, but I’d love to see that some time. Speaking of things to put in orifices, why were you using a sword?” I asked, genuinely befuddled.

Noir’s black fur lit up bright red. “Satisfying one’s needs while en route to a battle is difficult when you worry about taking stamina from your own soldiers.”

“You know you can use whatever toys I’ve seen, right?”

“I am more familiar with my sword.”

I conjured up a pair of knickers with a little extra sewn into them. “I’ve always wanted to try these as Roxy, but I suppose I could let you have the first go.”

Noir magicked up a controller and tucked both items into a pocket. “I may use these once you leave. Now, shall we find something to do while you’re here?”

I hefted the bow on my shoulder. “I’d like to keep practicing with this, if you don’t mind. I don’t know why, but for some reason, I’m one Hell of a shot.”

Noir chuckled. “It would seem that between Luna’s enchanted bow and my former prowess with archery, you have absorbed some of our skill. It may have something to do with your past life, but I cannot tell you about that in any case.”

“Past life? Are you saying that reincarnation is a thing?” My heart started aching and Noir clutched at her chest.

“It is unwise to continue this conversation. As old as I am, I do not wish to die yet.” Noir said, her voice shaking slightly.

“I’m with you there, save for the old part. Let's put some arrows in a thing, yeah?”

And so we did. Noir was a better shot with the bow than I was, but once I introduced crossbows into the equation, we were on an equal playing field. I’d been mildly interested in them while I’d lived in England, so I could probably build a half decent one if I ever felt the need to do so, but in my mindscape, I could create one in whatever color I wanted, so that was pretty gnarly, dude. Noir eventually tired of the crossbow and switched weapons in favor of something called an atlatl. It came in two parts: a stick with a loop on the end of it and a dart that could be fitted into the loop so you could throw it. I thought it was a fantastically simple weapon that was surprisingly effective, but I preferred the bow by far since I could shoot it much faster and it did much more damage. Noir felt the same way, so we switch back to shooting bows and went for some MLG trickshots. We nearly shot each other on multiple occasions, but it was a fun way to blow a couple of hours.

Noir let me know that our time was up when I heard a chime echo across the mindscape. If I wasn’t mistaken, that signalled the arrival of the girls for the slumber party, so I gave her a peck on the cheek and told her to stay sexy for me before sending myself back into reality. I stretched for a moment before answering the door, but I hadn’t been expecting Rarity to be the one on the other side.

When our eyes met, she looked down. “Hello, Max.”

“Rarity.” I replied neutrally.

She shuffled her hooves. “...Can I talk to you?”

“I haven’t thrown you off of my property, so take that as a yes.” I said sarcastically.

She flinched at my jab. “Right. Look, I’m terribly sorry about the Lover’s Tea, but I didn’t know that it would affect you in such a way! In ponies it’s practically like drinking normal tea!”

“I know that now, which is why I haven’t hit you for slipping me something. Still, you lied about it and you must have known that it would affect me in some way because you kept asking if I liked it.” I said.

Rarity looked abashed. “...I’m sorry.”

“You’re not forgiven, though you’re welcome to come in and sit in awkward silence while I ignore you.”

She gave me a funny look. “Why would I do that?”

“So you can get used to it before the slumber party.” I said, as if it were obvious..

“...If it’s all the same to you, I think I’ll wait until the other girls arrive.”

I scoffed. “Fine, be weird. I’ll be ignoring you from inside while you continue being difficult.”

Rarity didn't know how to respond to that, so I left the door slightly cracked when I closed it and waited on my couch for Rarity to take a fucking hint and schlep her arse in here. She either picked up on it or got curious to see what I would do because she ended walking into my house and sitting next to me on the couch.

“You know, I can’t help but feel that you’re still upset.” Rarity said softly.

“For someone who’s so vehemently against lying, you sure like to do it to me.” I said drily.

Rarity grabbed my hand, which was a pretty wise move on her part, just in case I decided to slap her. “I truly do apologize, Max. I just panicked in the moment and it slipped out!” Truthful. Little late for that.

I rolled my eyes. “Look, your actions have consequences and I’m not going to let you just skip over them. For tonight, I don’t like you, but we’ll be cool afterwards.”

Rarity nodded. “I understand that. Does this mean that you want me to leave you alone?”

“I’m totally ignoring you now. Starting at the end of this sentence.”

She shook her head and I went to go start laying snacks out because there fuck all left to do. My house was clean, I had the food, and I was pretty sure that everyone knew to bring a bathing suit, so that was taken care of. I thought about the fact that I would be surrounded by half naked women for a good portion of the night, but nothing would compare to Twilight in a bikini or Noir fucking herself with a sword. Seriously, who does that?

I was tempted to ask Rarity if she’d ever used the handle of a sharp object to plow her private parts, but that would negate the whole ‘ignoring her’ thing, so I held my tongue and resolved to ask Fluttershy since I was sure that she had at some point. I’d walked in on the girl grinding against a bird feeder once or twice, so it wouldn’t surprise me too much to find that she’d stuck the odd knife handle in her no-no zone, though I wasn’t sure how to phrase the question. Luckily, I didn’t have to worry about it for very long since Fluttershy was the first to show up. Instead of faffing about, beating around the bush, I just asked her if she’d ever used something dangerous to pleasure herself with.

Fluttershy did not realize that Rarity was in the room when she started listing off hammers, knives, wrenches, and the like, but I was sure to point her out after Fluttershy finished with her list. The buttery fluttery woman was terribly embarrassed, but I assured her that a few everyday objects between friends was nothing to worry about. Rarity said that we were never going to speak of it again, so I asked Fluttershy what she thought Rarity had shoved up there. I managed to coax a few answers out of her, though they were incredibly tame like makeup brushes, hair brushes, and a cucumber. Rarity adamantly denied the makeup and hair brushes, but the cucumber wasn't mentioned twice until I asked Fluttershy what she liked in her salads.

The rest of the rainbow crew showed up before I could orchestrate another awkward moment, so I sighed and acted like a good host, pointing out the snacks and refreshments to Pinkie and Rainbow so they wouldn’t go digging through my icebox. Twilight asked me if I wanted to become Roxy for the party, but I really just wasn’t in the mood for it. Pinkie still dove into my icebox later on, and when she found my pecan tarts, I gave her the blackest look I could manage without Dark Magic. When she ate one, I gave her A Black Eye and Pinkie took a nap, though the girls didn’t know why she’d suddenly passed out.

Don’t fuck with my goddamn tarts.

Twilight eventually put it together and chewed me out for using Dark Magic against one of our own friends, but I told her that I would use it against anyone except her if they were going after the precious, my precious. Twilight went over and ate one of my tarts just to be difficult and I was tempted to swear at her until my tart came out of her stomach, but I couldn’t bring myself to be all that upset with her, so I sat her down and explained why I was so hurt that she’d eaten my tart. Twilight laughed in my face until I told her the real reason, after which she felt terrible, which was the fucking point. If she didn’t want to feel bad, she shouldn’t have eaten my tart. Granny Altham had been kind enough to make then for me whenever I was down, so the memories were fond whenever I snacked on them.

After that little incident, I made it clear that anyone who went after my tarts would be escorted onto my foot, arse first. After that simple fact was understood, Twilight had me release my magic from Pinkie so she could wake her up, though she had me do so secretly so the rest of the girls wouldn’t learn about Noir. All I’d had to do was touch Pinkie’s forehead, and when she woke up, I told her that going after my tarts would get her barred from the hot tub for life, but Pinkie argued that it ‘Just Isn't fair!’. I’d bought Sugarcube Corner’s entire supply of pecan tarts, and no one was going to get one. I told her that someone should have gotten to them before I did if they wanted them so badly.

The rest of the night passed somewhat quickly until it was time for the hot tub, but when that time came around, I was incredibly disappointed. Applejack, Twilight, and Fluttershy all wore modest one pieces that left a lot to the imagination, and Rarity was the only one who looked anything close to sexy. Of course Twilight was still more attractive than all of them put together, but I wished that she would show a little more skin- Er, well, fur. That thought made me ask what color ponies were under their fur, and it was unanimous that a shaved Pony looked kind of like me, but less sexy. The sexy part was all me, but no one disagreed.

As always, I took the seat next to the control panel, but I made sure that I wasn’t sitting on the nozzle when I turned the secret jets on. Every face in the tub besides mine lit up instantly and I was yelled at by Rarity, Applejack, and Twilight for messing around too much. I was just having a bit of fun, and I didn’t really see what the problem was. Fluttershy hadn't moved or said anything, and Rainbow had just moved off of the nozzle. Pinkie was slutty, so she make her enjoyment of it obvious, but their reactions didn’t make getting bitched at worth it, so I turned of the secret jets and made the hot tub into my own personal time machine. I let my shoulders fall below the water level and the girls did the same once I’d turned the jets off.

After a nice, relaxing soak, we got dried off and dressed for a quick tourney on the billiards table. Twilight and I were put against each other in the very first bracket so we wouldn’t just sweep both sides, but when I won, I did just that. I steamrolled everyone since Twilight wasn’t in estrus anymore, but that didn’t mean that the purple uni-mage wasn’t still a threat. She might have been taking it easy against the rest of the girls, however, Twilight still wanted to squash me during the second round, but I was on fire. Literally. Pinkie set my trousers on fire to cheat. Twilight and Rarity rushed to put me out before I could get hurt, but when they extinguished the flame, my clothes weren’t even burned, so I couldn’t be too mad at Pinkie.

Once I was done wrecking face in billiards, we moved on to a new game that was a fusion of Spin the Bottle and Truth or Dare. One player would spin the bottle and whoever it landed on had to ask the spinner truth or dare, which really didn’t seem like that different of a game to me. I learned otherwise when I spun the bottle and it landed on Pinkie.

Pinkie beamed at me. “Alright Maxy, truth or dare?”

I shrugged. “Dare. Do your worst.”

Pinkie manic smile turned devilish. “You know you’ll lose if you say no, right?”

I levelled a calm gaze at her. “And you know what will and won’t fly.”

She tapped her chin. “Well, I was thinking about that. What if we raised the stakes?”

I raised a brow. “I’m listening.”

“The first three losers have to eat a tablespoon of my newest hot sauce!”

There were shudders around the circle. I smirked at Pinkie. “Sounds fine by me. What’s your dare?”

Pinkie grinned. “Lick Twilight between the legs.”

My brow rose again. “Right here?”

“Hold on, I’m so not okay with that.” Twilight objected. “Pinkie, that’s a little much.”

“I must agree. To think you would propose something so vulgar!” Rarity fanned herself.

“I don’t see nothin’ wrong with it. It’s not like we all haven’t seen you two swappin' tongues before. What’s one little lick?” Applejack put her two cents in.

Pinkie beamed at Twilight. “If you refuse a dare, you lose!”

Twilight’s pupils shrank. “B-But it’s not my dare!”

“I think Max is willing to do it, right?” Pinkie asked.

“Depends on how uncomfortable you intend on making Twilight. If you let her keep her pants on, it’s fine by me.” I answered.

Pinkie beamed and turned to Twilight. “So that means it’s you holding up the party!”

Twilight wrung her hands. I could see the turmoil in her eyes, but she eventually just sighed. “Alright, but I want it to be clear that Max is mine.”

There were nods around the circle, so Twilight sighed again and laid back for me. It crossed my mind to quickly remove her bottoms to get a taste of her honeypot, but that struck me as completely fucking retarded, so I settled for licking Twilight’s pajamas and moved back to my seat. She sat up with a bright blush on her face and we continued on with the game.

Rarity had the next spin and it landed on Rainbow Dash. Rarity picked truth like a pusillanimous punk, so Rainbow asked who she’d sleep with out of everyone in the circle besides me. Rarity flustered for moment and said that it was pretty even between Fluttershy and Applejack. Twilight went next and her spin landed on Applejack.

Now, I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned Applejack’s deviant streak, but it’s impressive. The woman is practically Fluttershy or Fleur when she in estrus, so I wasn’t exactly surprised when she told Twilight to return the favor, but this time, with my trousers off. I’d get to keep my drawers, but that didn’t stop Twilight and I from blushing, though hers was more intense than mine. Twilight wasn’t too keen on performing intimate acts in the company of others and I wasn’t too fond of where this was going, so I asked that we bar sex from the equation. Pinkie, Applejack, and Fluttershy all argued that oral and touching was perfectly fine, but I pointed out that I could smell that at least two of them were in estrus and that it was generally a bad idea to go that far unless they had some relief in sight.

I was dutifully ignored and Rainbow joined their side, but Rarity, Twilight and I were firmly against going any further than over-the-clothes contact. The three of us weren’t budging and I swore that I would end the game if they kept pressing the matter. Since I’m pretty much in charge because I’m the least retarded (most of the time), I started giving long, bullshit arguments against whatever Applejack, Pinkie, or Fluttershy had to say and eventually just buried them in so many words that they gave up.

It was still Twilight’s dare, but she just couldn’t bring herself to give me the lick, so she was the first one out. Pinkie grabbed a spoon and her hot sauce from her mane. I swear the mixture bubbled as she poured, and I felt so sorry for Twilight, but she was the one who balked. I cringed Pinkie applied the punishment for her, putting the spoon in her mouth while Twilight’s eyes were clamped shut, then suddenly, Pinkie tilted the spoon and the second the first drop touched Twilight’s tongue, I could see every muscle in her body tense up, and literal fire shot out of her mouth, scorching Pinkie’s face, turning her fur a nice sooty black. Twilight coughed up smoke as she tried to crawl into my kitchen and Pinkie was trying to get the taste of ashes out of her mouth, so I did them them both a favor and grabbed Twilight a bottle of milk and Pinkie a shot of whiskey. Twilight drank the milk in two gulps, but the fire in her mouth wouldn’t go out, so she panicked hard and tried to come to me. I met her halfway and held her while she cried the pain away. After everyone agreed, we put an end to Pinkie’s hot sauce then and there and the game was over.

We rounded the night up and Twilight joined me in my bed for some sleepytime cuddles. Instead of the usual ‘Big Spoon Little Spoon' thing we usually did, Twilight wanted to try cuddling with my head resting on her arm like she was trying to hug my brain, but it’s not like I had a problem with it. My face was warm all night, but then again, Twilight’s breasts were mere centimeters away from my face at just about any given time, so I can’t really say that I was upset about it.

When Twilight fell asleep, I took the time to go see Noir, but she cut our visit short, telling me that I would probably enjoy sleeping with Twilight more than hanging out with her. She wasn’t wrong, so I told her to have a good night, but I had to ask if she slept at all while she was in my mindscape. Noir let me know that the closest thing she had to slumber was deep meditation that I was currently interrupting, so I caught the hint and skedaddled. It didn’t take me long to fall asleep once I got back, though I did cuddle a little closer to Twilight.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A few days went by and nothing important or terribly worthy of mentioning happened. I did remember to ask Mary about the water works around Ponyville, but she completely misunderstood what I meant and offered to pee on me, if that was really my kink. I told her that I was actually asking about how water was recycled in Equestria and how it was pumped in, but Mary just said ‘Magic’ and pretty much left it at that since that was basically all she knew. Magic was just Equestria’s bullshit excuse for being lazy, so I bitched at Mary for being short. The two things have nothing to do with each other, but I needed a reason to tell Mary how I really felt about her height, and once I did, I left her dazed and confused. I liked doing that, so I went over to Sugarcube Corner and bitched at Pinkie for being annoyingly cute and huggable, but she gave as good as she got and chewed me out for not having fur. The Cakes were rather confused since we were acting like we were mad for no real reason, so Pinkie and I turned our attention toward them.

I let Mr. Cake have it for making delicious cakes and Pinkie Pie took Mrs. Cake aside and complained about having such a fun job. Needless to say, we confused the fuck out of them, but we managed to get Pinkie a day off, so that was cool. We walked around town, bitching at strangers for the colors of their coats, their hairstyles, choice of attire, and their faces. We never actually insulted anyone, so we mostly just left a handful of confused people around town, though there was this one tan guy with a brown mane who gave as good as he got. I threatened to give give him a cupcake if he kept it up and he, in turn, threatened to give me a wheel of cheese for my troubles. We actually did trade edible things, so I had to carry around a big fucking wheel of old cow milk while Pinkie and I walked around town.

Rainbow Dash came to join us as we were making a second circuit around town, looking for another target. She didn’t quite get what we were doing, but she said that it was fun to watch us get mad at people, then watch them get mad only to realize that we weren’t actually saying anything to them. Rainbow tried once, but she actually insulted someone, so I stepped in and apologized on her behalf, explaining what should have happened to the poor mare she’d called ugly. Thankfully, the lady understood the need to find something to do around such a small town and even offered to suck me off once she realized who I was.

I ended that conversation quickly.

Offers of infidelity aside, I took Pinkie and Rainbow around town to mess with people some more. I stopped by the Joke Shop and picked up a few pieces of fake poo, two fake ice cubes with flies in them, and the biggest dildo the guy had in the back of the shop. I had Rainbow hold the dildo since she’d been a dick earlier and let Pinkie hold the fake ice cubes because she was as annoying as a fly. I took the fake poo because I’m a shitty person and with our pranks in hand, I wrapped the poo up and started giving it to strangers, begging them to accept my gift. Most people were happy to take my crap until they realized what it was, but the looks on their faces were priceless. Most ponies were perfectly fine with my little prank, but there was one stallion who threw the poo on the ground and stormed off, so fuck that guy.

I took our little trio to a little outdoor cafe and showed my wizardly skill at distracting people so that I could drop the fly cubes in their drinks. I never got caught, and once people started examining their drinks, all Hell broke loose and there were many angry customers in the cafe. I almost stepped in to clear things up, but Pinkie bounced into the fray and told everyone that the flies were fake, so most people calmed down quickly enough, laughing at their own needless anger. Unfortunately, we caught the same stallion from earlier and he stormed off again, though one of the waiters dragged him back and made the guy pay for his meal.

I figured that guy was just having a bad day, so I took the box with the dildo in it from Rainbow and offered it to him as an olive branch. When he opened the box, the fucker actually threw a punch at me, but it was slow and telegraphed, so I dodged it rather easily. Some of the people that were in the cafe came to my defense and threatened to have the fellow arrested for attacking the highest ranking official in town. The prick apologized over and over again, but I wasn’t about to abuse my position, so I told him that there was nothing to worry about and thanked him for being a good sport since he’d gotten hit by all three pranks. My praise made him ashamed of his reactions, which was the fucking point in the first place. You don’t always have to be mean to make someone feel bad.

Since pranking had gone pretty badly, I decided to take Pinkie and Rainbow to the park to see if we could find some people willing to play a game of soccer which was called ‘Hoofball’ here. Damn Americans and their penchant for misnaming shit; It even carried over across worlds. There were plenty of people out and about since it was so nice, but there were few males willing to play a game that involved two small females, so I dared them to race Rainbow and Pinkie whenever the issue came up. Rainbow dusted the competition and Pinkie managed to beat most people by a little bit, so soon enough, we had enough people for an eight man game.

I’d never actually played soccer, so I had to have the rules explained to me once or twice. It reminded me a lot of rugby, but we weren’t going to be brutalizing each other, so it wasn’t that close. Still, Rainbow was our ‘quarterback’ and since I wasn’t as fast as most, I was playing it close to the line as a ‘running back’. My ankle breaking jukes were absolutely savage, and I actually did make someone twist a hoof once or twice while playing, so that was pretty ego boosting.

Besides the pranking and Hoofball game, three days passed without event. On the fourth day, I got out of bed, stood up, and laid back down again. Someway, somehow, I’d gotten sick, and now I was ready to stick my head in a hole and be done with the world. After resting for another hour, I gathered the strength to go downstairs and brought along all of my necessary materials for an extended stay on my couch. I sent a note to Twilight with Dragon Fire, telling her that I was going to be at home for the day and when she wrote back asking why I was bailing on her night, I gave her my symptoms and I didn’t have much more time to suffer in silence. Twilight apparently told Fluttershy that I was stuck on the couch because she arrived before my future wife did. I didn’t even hear her knock on the door, but she was in my living room mere seconds after I heard the door open.

Fluttershy sped to my side like she was Pinkie with a party to plan. “Max! Twilight-told-me-that-you-were-feeling-under-the-weather-and-I-just-couldn’t-let-you-suffer-and-be-sick-without-having-somepony-to-take-care-of-you-but-I-know-Twilight-is-going-to-be-here-soon-but-I-live-closer-so-”

I wearily held up a hand and she stopped talking. “I’m sick, not dying. Calm down, Poppet.” As far as I know.

Fluttershy nodded and opened the bag she had been carrying. “Right. Can I make you some soup?”

“Sounds lovely.” I sighed.

Fluttershy went into the kitchen and started going through my stores of veggies to make some vegetable soup while I cooled my heels on the couch. I actually dozed off for a little bit, but I woke up when I heard Twilight close the front door. Fluttershy went to go greet her and I sat up so I could grab the bowl of soup she’d left for me on the table. It was still nice and warm, though it could have used a little salt. In any case, it was pretty good so I was making some decent progress when Twilight and Fluttershy joined me.

Being cared for was a little irritating since I wasn’t a fucking invalid, but it was nice to know that my friend and my lover were willing to lend a hand while I was down and out. I was still confused as to why I was sick in the first place, so Twilight tried running some of her limited medical spells, but nothing turned up. Something told me to ask Noir since she was literally inside my body, so I excused myself from reality, but when I went to enter my mindscape, I couldn’t get in, no matter how long I tried to get in.

That worried me more than being sick, so I wrote out a note to Luna and hoped that she would have the time to come inspect whatever was going on for herself. Fluttershy asked me why I didn’t ask Celestia so I told her that Luna and I had a special thing going on and that I was sure that it had something to do with it. Fluttershy completely misunderstood and spent far too much time trying to assure Twilight that there was nothing between myself and Luna, but I wasn’t in the mood to correct her, so I just sighed and laid back down.

Twilight eventually got her point across, telling Fluttershy that Luna and I were just friends with a secret that couldn’t really be shared. Fluttershy was pretty embarrassed about jumping to conclusions, so I gave her an excuse to leave the room in the form of asking her to grab me some more soup. Shit was great and it helped with the nausea for some reason, so I actually did want her to get me some more anyway. I packed a bowl and had myself a smoke since I wanted to get back to sleep, but Twilight kept me awake long enough for Fluttershy to come back with more soup.

I wasn’t really one for conversation and I’d already grabbed most of the things I’d wanted to before I came down, so Twilight and Fluttershy were basically just babysitting while I waited for Luna to respond to my note. The day passed quickly since I slept off and on, and when Luna finally did reply to my note, I told her that something was wrong and that I couldn’t get in contact with Noir. Moments after sending the note, Luna teleported in and scared the Hell out of Twilight and Fluttershy.

She turned around and looked for me, so I said, “Over here.”

Luna coughed and faced me. “Good evening, Max. So you can’t contact Noir at all?”

I sat up. “Nope, can’t even get into the mindscape. Can you see if something’s wrong?”

She nodded. “Of course. This will take but a moment.”

Luna closed her eyes and her magic enveloped me, tingling slightly. The tingling made me nauseous, so I laid back down and closed my eyes waiting for it to be over. A few minutes later, Luna opened her eyes and started pacing, but no one asked why she wasn’t saying anything.

After another few minutes, Luna asked, “Maximus, do you have any known enemies?”

“Besides Mineral Zeal, not really. I tend to make more friends than I do enemies.”

Luna sighed. “That is exactly the problem. You are being cursed, and it is most likely through haunting. Somehow, the spirit that is bothering you is drawing off of your magic, growing stronger as you grow weaker. I can exercise it for you, but it will not be an easy or fun process.”

I sighed. “Then let’s get it over with already. No point in prolonging it.”

Luna shook her head and kneeled next to me. “I apologize for this, but with you, I have few choices.”

I gave her a look before Luna touched her horn to my forehead, not understanding what the fuck she was talking about until the pain started. I blacked out within seconds of the agonizing pain, but it didn’t stop there. Luna forced me into my mindscape and I could see Noir swing her sword around at nothing in particular, though I wasn’t in any shape to ask what she was swinging at. I was crumpled on the ground in the fetal position, waiting for the pain to fade away completely while Luna joined Noir in swinging a sword around at nothing. Once I picked myself up off the ground, it was like a veil was lifted from my eyes. I could see about twenty or so translucent figures floating around Noir and Luna, though none of their frantic sword swing seemed to be doing any damage.

Without the feebleness that came with being sick, I was on my feet and prepared to join the fray when something incredibly stupid crossed my mind. I conjured up a sword made of silver and lead in one hand, and made another one crafted from pure iron in the other. With my short swords in hand, I rushed to aid my benefactors, though I had much more luck in damaging the ghosts than they did.

“Silver and iron! Hit them with silver and iron!” I cried out, swinging at the ghost of some Gryphon. I managed to score a long, shallow cut along his chest that healed in the time it took to make a few more swings, but by now, Noir and Luna had taken my advice and were making short work of the ghosts.

I don’t know if they’d simply remembered that they could do anything in the mindscape or if my words had snapped them out of the fog of battle, but they were bounding around, jumping off of the air to attack the spirits from just about every angle. Five of our attackers fell in the short time it took for Noir to get serious, and four more fell when Luna stopped playing around, which meant that we had eleven fuckers left. I scoured the group for the spirit I suspected was organizing the assault and spotted Mineral Zeal a good distance away, so I let Noir and Luna handle them as I went to go face my rapist.

I teleported to Zeal since it was my domain and imagined her being wrapped up in chains of iron. She cried out once she realized she was caught and her very essence started to vaporize under the iron, but I didn’t want her gone just yet. I trapped her in a big iron box that had silver and lead crisscrossing it in fine lattices, just in case she found that she could break through and went back to help Noir and Luna finish off the rest of the ghosts. My help was completely unneeded, but I would hate for someone to say that I let women handle my business for me. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I just don’t want people in general doing shit for me if I can do it myself.

It’s not sexism, it’s stubbornness, dammit.

Once the ghosts were gone, Noir gave Luna a hug and turned to me. “Max. Things have gotten hectic since you have been gone.”

“Don’t I fucking know it. How the Hell did these fuckers manage to get inside my soul?” I asked.

Luna coughed. “Well, it may partially be my fault. When I disposed of Mineral Zeal, her death was neither quick nor easy, so she probably returned in the form of a poltergeist or something of the like.”

I sighed. “At least we have her now. I’m guessing the rest of the ghosts were the people I’ve killed?”

Noir nodded. “They were. You bested a few worthy warriors, Maximus, even if you did kill them by surprise.”

“Doesn’t make me any happier. Let’s go deal with Rapeface.”

Noir and Luna exchanged a look before joining me as I walked back to the iron box. We could have teleported, but I didn’t want to risk fucking anything up, so when I removed the box, I made sure to keep an iron bar in my hand. My paranoia was well warranted as Zeal leaped at me the second the box was gone. I slapped the silly bitch with the bar and she fell like a sack of potatoes, but I wasn’t sure if ghosts could get knocked out, so I started throwing iron marbles at her. Each one hissed and steamed, causing her to cry out until Noir made me stop.

“That is far enough, Max.” She said softly.

“But I’ve got, like, infinity left! I could do this all day! How are you not psyched to have a chance to torture a rapist?” I asked incredulously.

Luna looked at Noir and the taller woman just shook her head. “In my old age, I find that torture is unnecessary. I do not agree with it in the slightest, even if I do understand the reasons behind such an unforgivable act.”

Luna scoffed. “You’ve tortured more ponies than I have, and that’s saying quite a bit. Before Celestia and I became the last of the Alicorns, tales of your deeds rang throughout the Old Lands.”

Noir nodded. “It is because I have so much blood on my hands that I find distaste in such an act. Allowing others to torture in my presence is tantamount to doing it myself.”

I stared her in the eyes as I imagined a rain of iron marbles falling on Zeal. The woman shrieked and I cracked a smile. “Okay, now I’m done.”

Noir sighed and swept the marbles away with a wave of her hand. “I will allow it since you did not get to have a hand in making Zeal suffer, but the next time you try something, I will shoot you in the leg.”

“Duly noted. So who wants to start asking questions?” Zeal lunged at me again and Noir wrapped an iron cable around her throat.

“I suppose I could could start. I’m the reason she’s here, after all.” Luna reasoned.

I gestured for her to start, but Noir held up a hand. “No, I will ask the questions.”

She forced Mineral Zeal to her knees and asked Luna and I to give her some space. We took a couple steps back and Noir asked, “So why are you assaulting Max, but not the one who killed you?”

Mineral Zeal spat ectoplasm in her face. “Send me into the ether or go there yourself.”

Noir wiped it off calmly. “Why are you assaulting Max?”

Zeal thrashed around, but when Noir tightened the coil, she shrieked and started getting fuzzy. “Buck. You!”

Luna came around and put a hand on Noir’s shoulder. “You’ll get nowhere treating this savage as a pony or a person. I learned that much while she was alive.”

Noir gave her a look. “We will not resort to such terrible acts to gain information. We may as well banish her if that is what you want to do.”

I raised a hand and coughed. “Does anyone want my opinion?”

“No.” They said in unison.

I shrugged and created some archery targets so I could have something to do while they argued about how to handle Zeal. I released shot after shot as they dealt with Zeal trying to escape, throwing barbed words at them, and spitting on whatever she could manage. I turned to look as she worked out a massive wad of ectoplasm onto Luna face which got her slapped with an iron glove. I walked back over and listened to Noir try to calm Luna down, but while they were off doing that, I squatted next to Zeal.

“What’s up?” I asked casually.

“Buck you.” She said harshly.

“You did. That’s why you’re dead.”

Zeal shut her mouth. She was silent for a minute before saying, “I knew what I did was wrong. I didn’t think it would cost me my life.”

I shrugged. “You were unlucky. With just about anyone else, you probably would have gotten away with it like the evil cunt you are.”

She glared at me. “You think I don’t know that or something? I have gotten away with it before.”

I pursed my lips. “Then you deserved every second of what you got.”

“I never said I didn’t.”

Zeal and I looked at each other for a little bit. “So why are you here? What’s the deal?”

She shrugged, but flinched at the cable around her neck. “I tried haunting Luna, but Canterlot Castle is protected against ghosts and wraiths. I figured you were close to her, so killing you would hurt her.”

“That’s unfortunate. Luna plans on killing me at some point, so you kinda went for the wrong guy.”

Zeal ground her teeth. “Going after you just never works, does it.”

“That totally wasn’t a question. Besides, I don’t die too easily. Even if you killed me, I’d come back sooner or later.” I said.

“Well thanks for bucking telling me that now!” She spat.

“Hey, I didn’t kill you, but I can exercise you.”

Zeal flinched and looked down. “It’s not like you don’t plan on doing that anyways.”

“Give me one good reason to let you… Well, not live, but you know what I mean.” I bargained.

Zeal looked at me like I was stupid. “Would you really let me go?”

“Hell no. You’re spiteful enough to go after someone you wronged because you couldn’t get to the right person. There’s no way anyone sane would allow you freedom.”

“That’s what I thought. I’m not going to play your bucking games!”

I nodded and conjured up an iron dagger. “Anything you want to say? Final words to family or friends?”

Zeal looked at the dagger, then at me. “...Would you really do that for me, after everything I’ve done to you?”

I shrugged. “Just because I hate you doesn’t mean I hate your family. I’m considering it my good deed for the day.”

“...Right. Could you tell my parents that I lov-”

I thrust the dagger into her heart and gave her the last smile she would ever see. “Sorry, I lied. Rot in Hell, bitch.”

Zeal's face was fury incarnate, but her look didn’t last long. With one final shriek, she exploded into a fine powder that I collected with a hand sweeper. Once I was done cleaning up, I turned around to see Noir and Luna glaring at me.

“Hullo ladies.” I said conversationally.

“How did you get her to talk?” Luna asked peevishly.

I shrugged. “Don’t know, don't care. I’m just glad I glad I got to stick the final knife into her. Who wants pizza?”

Noir glared at me harder. “That was cruel, Max.”

“And raping multiple people was evil. Side with the rapist, Noir. Show me your true colors.” I snarled.

Her eyes shot open and she took a step back. “That- I would never! Maximus, you know me better than that!”

“Really? Because you were awfully happy to advocate for someone that did something unforgivable.” I replied with venom.

Noir flinched and Luna stepped in front of her. “Lashing out at Noir will accomplish nothing, Maximus.”

“Did it get my fucking point across?” I asked, narrowing my eyes.

Noir placed a hand on Luna’s shoulder. “It did. Perhaps this is a conversation for another time.”

Luna shrugged her off. “I believe this is a conversation for now. I understand how you could find torture inponane, but Max has far more than just the simple right to face his attacker as he sees fit. You would deny him this, would you not?”

Noir’s face hardened. “I could have handled the ghosts on my own. I did not need assistance.”

“And yet you let Zeal into Max’s soul and allowed her to weaken him as much as she did? I told Max that you would protect him, Nightmare Moon, and you are proving me a liar.” Luna hissed.

Noir flinched at her old name. “I would not have let things go any further. The mild weakness Max felt-”

“Mild weakness?” I interrupted. “Noir, I could barely move around my own house!”

The tall black woman flinched again and looked between to sets of angry eyes before looking down. “Perhaps I made a mistake.”

“You fucking think?” I spat.

“If I could remove you from his soul, I would.” Luna said critically. “At least in my body, you could do no further harm.”

I cooled off at that and put a hand on Luna’s shoulder. “Let me talk to Noir alone for a little bit. I think we need to have a chat.”

Luna glared at me for a moment before her gaze softened. She gave me a quick hug and left the realm, leaving Noir and I in the void to do whatever it was that we were going to. Noir struggled to meet my eyes, but she managed.

“Max, I’m sorry I let things go so far-”

“Save it.” I shook my head. “You know why I’m angry with you. What are you going to do to rectify your mistakes?”

Noir bit her lip. “There is precious little I can do.”

“That’s what I thought. You fucked up.”

“...I did.”

I sighed. “Why did you stop me from coming into the mindscape?”

“I thought I could handle it myself.”

“When hours passed and you didn’t make any progress, you didn’t think to let me help?”

“...I thought I could handle it.” She repeated.

“Man, fuck you. I’m out.” I closed my eyes and opened them, returning to the waking world.

Fluttershy was nowhere to be seen, but Twilight and Luna were looking at me expectantly. “So? What happened with Noir?” Twilight asked.

“Man, fuck Noir. If she thinks she can hold the world on her shoulders, then fucking let her.” I reached for my pipe kit and packed a bowl.

“Things did not go well.” Luna stated.

“You think? You were there when the argument started, and you know what the deal was. If Noir doesn’t want my help, then I’m not giving it.”

Twilight came over and sat next to me. “Maybe you two should take a break for a few days to cool off.”

“I’m the only one who needs to cool off. Noir knows what she did.” And what she hasn’t done.

“I don’t understand. What did she do?” Twilight asked.

“She nearly let me die because she was too stubborn to let me help her.” I muttered.

Twilight looked confused. “But you can’t die.”

“It doesn’t change the fact that her carelessness almost earned Max a very painful death, and that’s not even considering that Zeal could have taken over his body while he was dead. Honestly, I’m more surprised that you are not upset about Noir defending Zeal.” Luna said, directing the last bit toward me.

“She just didn’t want us to torture her, which I understand.” I replied.

Twilight turned a little green. “...You wouldn’t have tortured her, right?”

“All I did was throw small marbles at her, and I tossed them rather than throwing them.” I assuaged. Well, it's not lie.

Twilight threaded her arm through mine and laid her head on my shoulder. “That still sounds mean, but it’s not like you stabbed her or something.”

Luna was silent, so I said, “I kinda had to. If I didn’t, Zeal wasn’t going away. I only stabbed her once, in my defense.”

Twilight sighed. “At least it was quick, I guess. So does this mean you’re okay now?”

I squeezed her hand. “Tip top, cherry. Just a little frustrated.”

She cast a furtive glance toward Luna and whispered in my ear. “I’ll do that thing for you, if you want.”

“Fucking yes!” I exclaimed. Luna jumped and Twilight started, but when I pulled her in for a kiss, I met no resistance.

“...Am I missing something?” Luna asked.

“Don’t worry about it!” I told her with a smile. “My day just got so much better.”

Luna chuckled. “Then I will leave you two to your own devices. Take care, Max, Twilight Sparkle.”

Twilight and I said goodbye to Luna in unison, so that was cool, but before Twilight could grab the ice cube, she had to go collect Fluttershy from the guest room Luna had ordered her into. I thought that it was pretty amusing, but Fluttershy was terrified of Luna, so Twilight wasn’t as amused. Still, now that I was okay, Fluttershy took her leave and Twilight fetched an ice cube so she could fulfill her bribe.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

With my sick day over, I had all night to write, so I caught up my journals from the past few days and got some of the Midnight Stroll book written. I wasn’t really in the mood for it, so I didn’t make too much progress, but it was enough to satisfy me for awhile, so that was nice. Once I tired of writing, it was only about three in the morning, so I grabbed one of my cigars and headed into the hot tub/bath tub for a nice soak. I even added some soothing essential oils because Fleur had suggested that I use them sometime, and once I had my bath set up and my cigar lit, I was in Heaven. I couldn’t help but wonder what Noir was doing, but I didn’t really want to think about her, so I just puffed on the cigar and melted into the water for a little while until I got fed up with myself. Staying mad at Noir was pointless, so I set the cigar aside and tried to get into my mindscape again, but my access was blocked.

I wanted in, so I wondered what I could do to make Noir open the mindscape to me again. I considered cutting myself up until she let me in, but now that I wasn’t an empty shell of a person, the thought made my head hurt and it wasn’t like I really wanted to do it anyway, so I figured I would let Noir have her space for the time being.

After that, however, I just wasn’t feeling the relaxation anymore, so I hopped out of the hot tub and went to bed. My sleep was nice and dreamless, but it didn’t last long enough to take up much time. I woke up around nine, so I had plenty of daylight to use and abuse however I saw fit, but there just wasn’t anything I wanted to do with my day. Luckily, I didn’t have to think to hard about what I was going to do because Twilight sent me a note at ten, asking if I wanted to join her and the girls in watching the Dragon Migration. I figured that it would be something super cool to do, so I wrote her back and agreed to meet her at her house in a few minutes.

The day was nice and cool out, so I took a jacket along with me just in case it got cold or something. I wasn’t expecting any sudden climate changes, but you never know. I met Twilight and we walked outside of Ponyville to the empty land that stretched between it and the next town. For some odd reason, Pinkie and Applejack were digging a ditch in the ground, so naturally I became curious as to where where Spike was. I asked Twilight if he just didn’t care to meet another Dragon and she shrugged, stating that he just hadn't come along.

The migration wasn’t due to start for another hour and a half, so I walked back to the Treebrary and knocked on Spike’s door, though he didn’t fling it open like he usually did. Once he saw it was me, he opened it all the way.

“Sup, Max? I thought you’d be watching the migration with everypony.” Spike said.

“I planned on it, but for some odd reason, I just can’t see you passing up and opportunity to see your kin up close and personal.” I glanced at the hobo sack on his bed. “Not planning on running off somewhere, are you?”

Spike looked back and gave me a sheepish grin. “Well, I actually wanna go talk to some Dragons about Dragon stuff. I thought Twilight might be a little upset if I just left Ponyville, but I think this is something I have to do alone.”

I patted his shoulder. “That’s what you think. Grab your crap and let’s get a move on. You know where they’re heading?”

“Wait, you’re coming with me? I thought you were gonna go watch the migration!”

“And let you wander off to God knows where without someone covering your back? Not happening, mate.”

Spike gave me a grin. “I guess if I had to pick anypony to come with me, then I’d pick you. I’m sure we’ll learn a lot!”

“I’m sure we will, Spike. Let’s get a move on, shall we?”

Spike grabbed his stick and sack combo and we got to moving along. I had no idea where we were going, so I just followed Spike over the hills and through some woods, though after awhile, the Dragons appeared in the sky and following them got a lot easier. Honestly, the Dragon Migration was a sight to behold. Thousands of scaly, winged, fire-breathing murder machines flew across the sky as gracefully as can be, and I swear I could feel the heat radiating from their bodies on the ground. Luckily, The migration had a lot of Dragons to follow, so Spike and I didn't get lost, despite crossing some pretty rough terrain on our journey.

Overall, it didn’t take that long to get to the volcano that seemed to be a pit stop for the Dragons, but climbing the volcano was a bitch in itself. The rock was hot in most places, but not unbearably so, and I could usually tell where not to step by the coloration of the floor. Spike had no problems besides trying to keep up with my considerably longer steps, but once I slowed down a bit for him, things got easier on him.

After an hour of climbing the volcano and ignoring the fact that we’d been followed the entire way there, Spike and I crested the summit and saw a fuck ton of Dragons of every shape and size doing just about what the fuck ever. There were a lot of Dragons wrestling with each other on solid ground and in lava, but mostly they seemed to be talking and sharing prey, so I looked around for the oldest looking dude who seemed the most relaxed, but none of the Dragon Males were really giving me the ‘relaxed’ vibe, so I scanned the crowd for an older female. I spotted one that looked like a good candidate for answering some of Spike’s questions, but when I went to let the guy know I’d found a likely source of information for him, Spike was fucking around with some teenage looking Dragons who were being entirely too rough with him. It took a lot for me to not step in and give them a piece of my mind, but it wasn’t really my place to correct Spike’s choice in guidance, so I headed toward him and was stared at by every Dragon within a five meter radius, but I dutifully ignored them until I could get Spike’s attention.

He was currently in a headlock, provided by some red fucker. “H-Hey Max! What’s up, mate?”

I looked the the arsewipe holding on to him. “Mind giving him a break for a sec? I need to get some words out.”

The red fucker smirked. “What’s it to you, skinbag?”

“Look here, faggot, I’ll rip your fucking skull off of your shitty body and drink your blood. Let him go.” I wasn’t asking any more.

The red fucker let him go and got up in my face. “Fuck did you just say to me, meat sack?”

I gave him a Black Eye and he fell like a sack of hot potatoes. “Spike, I found someone who looks like she might answer your questions.”

Spike looked between me and the red pillock. “Dude! What did you do to him!?”

“Nothing. The heat just got to him or something. You wanna stick around with the guys who are bullying you, or do you wanna give my way a shot?”

The pricks in question were actually closing in on us, forming a semicircle around us. The other Dragons nearby seemed a little interested in what was going on, so we were quickly becoming the center of attention. To avoid any further trouble, I reached down and focused for a second, waking the red fucker up, and when he sat up, he shot me a glare before storming off toward the lava. None of his buddies seemed like they were terribly worried about him, but that didn’t mean that I was out of the fire yet.

“Can I help you fellows?” I asked, trying to sound bored.

Some fat green bastard with tiny wings stepped forward. “What did you do to him?” He asked menacingly.

“I knocked him out because he was being a shithead. You got a problem with that?” I asked.

“Matter of fact, I do. Keep your magic to yourself, meat sack.” He snarled.

“Keep your hands off my brother and you won’t have to fucking worry about it, now will you?” I replied.

The green fucker snorted flames, but I was sure that he didn’t want to get his arse laid out like his buddy, so he stormed off too. The semicircle didn’t disperse, so I tapped Spike’s shoulder and had him follow me to the older Dragoness I’d spotted earlier.

On the way, Spike asked, “Dude! Why are you picking fights?”

I gave him a droll look. “If you think I started that, then you’re horribly mistaken, Spike. That red fucker didn’t give a single shit about answering any of your questions. You were practically a toy to him and his friends, and it’s damn shame you didn’t realize that.”

Spike gave me a funny look. “Yeah, okay, they play around a little rougher than Ponies, but I’m sure that it’s just the way Dragons are!”

“If that’s the way they are, then you’re going to end up being someone’s bitch. You’re soft, Spike, and these guys don’t really give a fuck about you.”

Spike crossed his arms and stopped in his tracks. “Well maybe they just don’t show that they care!”

I heard a Dragon nearby snort, so I walked up to him. “Excuse me mate, but do you give a fuck about this tiny purple Dragon?”

The blue fucker shrugged. “About as much as I do for the rest of our kin. Are you guys not a part of the migration?”

“I’m not a Dragon and this guy’s lived with Ponies his entire life. We’re here so he can ask some questions about Dragons and shit since he doesn’t really know much about them.”

The blue dude gave me an odd look before focusing on something behind me. I turned around to see what he was looking at and groaned: It was a big, shitfully made costume of a Dragon that was painfully obvious. Most of the people around it just gave it a wide berth and a lot of them shook their heads as it wandered around in circles. Spike didn’t seem to notice anything.

“Friends of yours?” The blue guy asked flatly.

“If I say yes, will you think less of me?” I sighed.

“Yes.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “They’re mostly harmless, mate. Once I find someone willing to talk to Spike here for a moment, I’ll tell them to fuck off.”

Blue guy shrugged. “Let me grab my wife and I’ll do it. You seem like you’re not a jackass, so I might as well lend you a claw.”

“Fucking perfect.” I turned to Spike. “I’m going to go talk to the ‘new guy’. You know how to get ahold of me if you need to.”

Spike looked at me funny. “New guy? Why would you do that? They’re not bothering anypony.”

The blue guy looked offended. “Did you just say ‘anypony’? What the shit is wrong with you, kid?”

Spike looked somewhere between scared and confused. “I-I thought that’s what everpo- everyone said!”

I sighed and patted the purple shorty’s shoulder. “Listen when this guy talks. I’m sure you’ll learn a lot.”

Spike gave me another odd look, but he did what I asked and stuck next to the cool blue Dragon and they started walking toward the Dragoness I’d been heading toward anyway. I thought that it was pretty amusing that I’d gone straight for the fellow’s spouse, but then again, if they were both as cool as he was, then I’d made the right decision in leaving Spike in their care. I hoped that he would be able to have his questions answered as he needed them to be, but that really depended on if he knew the right questions to ask. As much as I wanted to stick near him and learn a bit about Dragons for myself, I had to go do some damage control.

I walked up to the girls in their ridiculous outfit and whacked its snout. “What the fuck do you girls think you’re doing?”

Twilight’s head appeared in the costumes mouth. “Max! Why aren’t you in a disguise!?” She whispered harshly.

“Because I’m a savage. Why are you wearing that ridiculous crap?”

Twilight gave me an odd look and I heard Rarity huff further into the costume. “Dragons really don’t like ponies, Max. What if one of them comes after you?”

“Then I’ll take care it like I already have.” I said blandly. “Seriously, if it’s dangerous for you to be here, you need to leave. No one’s fooled by your terrible costume.”

“Well I’d never!” Rarity puffed.

I rolled my eyes. “Be offended when your life isn’t in mortal danger. I’ll take care of Spike, okay? Until then, just head back toward the forest and we’ll meet you there in a few hours.”

I couldn’t really see the look Twilight gave me, but I heard the uncertainty in her voice. “Are you sure? Wouldn’t having more-”

I cut her off with a gesture. “No, don’t say that word here. Don’t ask what it is and just go back to the forest before you turn this into a hostage situation or a bloodbath. Don’t argue.” I said in a low, lethal tone.

Twilight waited one long moment before I heard furious whispering from the girls. Out of nowhere, I felt something tap on my shoulder and I turned around to see the Red Dick from earlier and his gaggle of goons forming a familiar semicircle. I turned to face them and kept my hand on the Warbling Blade.

“Can I help you fellows?” I asked, deadpan.

Red Dick smirked. “Just wondering if you could introduce us to your friend here. We would hate to be unneighborly.” There was a round of chuckles.

“Yeah, right. This is my buddy Puff. She’s a little special in the head.”

“I like the look of her. You would mind if I said a couple of words to her, right? She’s not yours, is she?” Mother fucker, please. please give me a reason.

“You heard me. She’s not exactly available with her condition.” I said evenly.

Red Dick, put his claw on me to shove me to the side and I wrapped my psychic tentacle around his throat. He stopped in the middle of his shove, making me stumble slightly as his hands clutched at the invisible restraint. I’d had just about enough of his bullshit so I grabbed him by his throat with my actual hand.

I started pumping out Dark Magic. “Look here, you dribbling cock snot: Keep fucking with me. Push me to that point. I dare you.”

Red Dick stepped back and I let him go. “Damn, man! Take a joke, will you!”

“If I thought you were joking, we wouldn’t be having this problem.”

“I am! It’s just how we play around, dude!” He rubbed his throat and glared at me.

I blinked at him and chilled out. “Seriously?”

“Yeah, seriously. We razz each other and get a little rough. We’re Dragons, we can take it!”

“Aww shit, and here I am ready to cut your fucking head off over a joke! Man, I’m sorry for being a prick, but I thought you were just being a dick to my kinda-sorta brother.”

“What? You mean the short guy? Yeah, no, we were actually about to play kickball with him. He said he was cool with it.” Red Dick told me.

I waved Puff away and watched the girls leave. “He’s like, thirteen and he wants you guys to like him. He’d probably agree to suck your dick if you asked him to, not that he knows what that is.”

Red Dick burst out laughing. “Dude, seriously? I’d swear the guy’s never seen another Dragon!”

I shrugged. “As far as I know, he hasn’t. He was raised by Ponies and practically tried running away to be here. It’s not like he couldn’t have just said that he was going, but you know how stupid kids are sometimes.”

Red Dick looked at me funny. “What kinda shit-tier Dragon sticks around with Ponies? Those things are fucking weird, man.”

“Oi, don’t knock ‘em til you fuck one. They’re pretty great in bed, but it’s not like I’ve tried anything else since I’ve been in Equestria. Which reminds me, I gotta fuck Elfriede this summer.”

He raised a brow. “Dragons aren’t really supposed to date outside the species. And that name’s awfully familiar for some reason.”

I cocked my head. “Really? Dragons can’t just pick someone to dick real good whenever they feel like it? I thought Dragons were do-what-I-want kinda badasses.”

“Nah, you got the wrong idea dude. We’re actually bound to a pretty strict code of honor. That code of honor is why we’re talking one on one. If this woulda went sideways, it’d be an honor duel and you look like you broil pretty well.” Red Dick flicked his tongue.

“I wasn’t kidding about the decapitation thing. I can do that two ways.” I reminded him casually.

He crossed his arms. “No weapons, no magic, how good are you?”

“No scale, no claws, no fucking fire breath, how good are you? Natural weapons are still weapons. My race uses tools to shore up our defenses because we never had magic or Dragon bullshit of any kind.”

“Uh, yeah, pretty sure you used magic against me.” He said disdainfully.

“That’s because I’m not really all that human anymore. It’s a long story that can be made short, but now’s just not the time.” I replied. “Are we becoming friends or something, or are you gonna make me dodge you for the rest of the day? I know I’m sexy, but you said it yourself; lusting after me is pointless”

Red Dick gave me a weird look. “Whippy dip looking dickhead.”

I raise a brow. “Ride on, Red Rocket.”

He narrowed his eyes. “Shit burglar.”

“Are we really doing this dick measuring contest? How old are you?”

“Nineteen. Can’t you tell?” He asked.

“Dragon aging must scale differently than humans because you sound like an almost decent fifteen year old except for the bullshitting around.” I said flatly.

“It does. Dick.”

“Grow up soon, please.” I shook my head. “I’m gonna go see if I can learn some stuff about you guys with my little brother, but in the meantime, try not to break anything.”

Red Dick looked around. “...Dude, we’re on a volcano. How exactly do we break shit?”

“I don’t know, maybe one of you jackasses decides to see who can swim down into the volcano and get sucked into the magma tides and get sent halfway across the world before you can drown. I don’t know what you fuckers are capable of.”

“If you don’t know what we’re capable of, why do you think you can kill a Dragon?” Red Dick scoffed.

“I knocked you out with a look earlier, and I can do it again. Going from there is easy.” I thought for a second. “Look, I’m not trying to fight someone who isn’t an adult by the standards of their race because I'm considered an adult of my race. I can’t exactly go around laying out big-mouthed kids whenever I want.”

“How about you try fighting without the magic and see how far it gets you.” He smirked

I shook my head and flashed him the seals on the Warbling Blade. “I’m not trained in nonlethal combat. If you want an honor duel, it’s first blood or to the death.”

“...You're an Operative of Equestria? You’re not even a Pony!”

I shrugged. “It’s because I’m good at what I do, mate.”

“And what exactly is that?”

“Killin’ shit. Takin’ shit. Makin’ friends.”

“One of those things isn’t like the others.”

“One of these things just doesn’t belong here.” I sang.

He looked at me like I was retarded. “...We’re gonna go.”

I gave him the two finger salute. “Buh-bye.”

I fucked off to go find the blue guy and the royal purple Dragoness I’d left Spike with and found them soon enough. I had to pass by the mouth of the volcano again, so I was sweating pretty hard up until that point, and I had to tamp some flames off of my jacket because it spontaneously combusted. All of those things were quite lovely, so I was slightly salty by the time I reached Spike, but when I did, I cooled my heels and listened in on some of the questions he was asking until the guy, who’s name was Nidhug, told me to go find something else to do.

I wandered around a bit and found a bored looking Dragoness of the edge of the volcano, looking out at the scenery around the summit. I took up a spot next to her and looked around, planning on talking to her, but I got caught up in the view. It was actually pretty magnificent since you could see a massive Mountain shaped like the back of a wolf in the distance. It was a little eerie since it was like staring at the form of a giant fucking wolf in the distance, but standing where I was got a conversation started, so my mission was complete.

“So, meat sack. Looks like you’ve been shaking things up since you got here.” I heard from my left.

I glanced at the periwinkle Dragoness. “Life’s only boring around me when I’m dead, though that happens more often than you might think.”

“Oh? I sense a story.” She smirked at me. She’s nibbling the hook.

“What’s it worth to you? I’ve got some pretty interesting stories, and that’s one of my better ones.” I returned her smirk.

“Tell you what, kid. You explain how you’re not dead after dying and I’ll see if it’s worthy of one of my own stories.” She sidled a bit closer and sat down on the edge of the mountain.

I sat a respectable distance away from her. “Sounds alright to me. Might as well pass the time with a couple stories. So the first time I died, I ended up fighting a Pony who was a lot tougher than me, but keep in mind that when I came to Equestria, my bones were literally softer than your average Pony’s. When I ended up fighting that Pony, she killed me and I had to be brought back with magic.”

The Dragoness scoffed. “Everyone knows that the only magic that can bring someone back to life is either Alicorn level juice or Dark Magic, and I doubt the Princesses are that interested in keeping you alive.”

I flashed her my Seals. “Any doubts?”

She lifted a brow. “I seriously doubt that they’d risk ruining the fabric of life and death for just any Operative.”

“That’s because I became an Operative after I befriended Celestia, but that’s another story. If I’m not mistaken, you owe me one now.” I gave her a crooked smile.

She rolled her eyes. “Fine. I may not believe you, but I’m interested in what you have to say. What kind of story do you want to hear?”

“Have you ever hunted something called a Lursite?” I asked.

She gave me a funny look. “Those things have been extinct since before my grandparents were old, and Dragons are nearly immortal.”

That fact took a little bit to process. “Wait, so how long does your average Dragon live?”

“Depends on how they live. If they abide by the Honor Code, they’ll keep going until they’re insane which usually happens after about four thousand years, but most dragons only make it to the two thousand mark since no one really cares to see too many dynasties rise and fall. We usually get tired of being around by eighteen hundred or so years, but you never know how long some people might decided to stick around.”

I pursed my lips. “That’s actually pretty cool. Sounds like I need to start making friends with more Dragons so I have someone to talk to over the years besides Celestia and Luna.”

“How long does your race live?” She asked.

“Normally? About sixty to a hundred years, but it really just depends on the person. The average lifespan is around seventy or eighty, but I’m not really all that human anymore if my guess is right.” I explained.

She gave me an odd look. “So I’m assuming that you’re going to live longer than most of your race.”

I nodded. “About two thousand years, give or take.”

“Alright, I want to hear that story too.” She gave me a playful smile.

“Show me yours and I’ll show you mine.”

“I’d be tempted, but I like my claws on my arms, thank you very much. Just because you’re some horny little species doesn’t mean that any Dragon is willing to lose a limb over a night of decent sex.”

“You say decent, I say the best you’ll ever get. I think a four or so thousand year old princess should know her dick pretty well.”

The Dragoness looked at me funny. “Which princess has male genitals?”

“Probably could have worded that better. I meant that I’ve done the sex to Celestia and she liked it plenty.”

“You’re going to have to back up these claims sooner or later.” She warned.

“I live in a small town called Ponyville. If you’re ever up for a visit with a new human friend, just ask for Max or the Baron and they’ll direct you to my house. Honestly, it’s pretty hard to miss if you know what you’re looking for.”

“Wait, are you a Baron or something?” She asked.

“Yup. Celestia screwed me, so she made me a Baron.”

“...You’re actually alright for a noble. You brag a lot, but it’s not like you’re boasting for a crowd or anything.”

I chuckled. “Oi, you asked for a story and I’ve given you a lot of topics to choose from. It’s not bragging, it’s being informative.”

She snorted bright blue flame. “Whatever you say. Your name is Max, right?”

“Yes it is. Mind if I ask what yours is?”

“Chumana. Most people call me ‘Chu’ or ‘Mana’.”

“Imma call you Chu-Chu.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Like a train?”

I grinned at her and she blew a little flame at me. Shit was hot, so I scooted away from her. “Oi! Fire bad! I’m not flame proof, you twat!”

She blinked at me. “Sorry, I forgot you skin bags don’t like the heat. I’ll keep the fire to myself.”

“Thanks, Chu Chu, I appreciate it.” I gave her a shit eating grin and she cuffed my shoulder when I got within arm’s reach.

“Keep calling me that and I’ll toss you in the volcano.”

“I’m too cute for that. Just think of how dead I’ll be if you do.”

She snorted. “I’m sure your princess will come and save you.”

“I don’t need her to, but I’m really not trying to get tossed in a volcano anyway. Why don’t we move on to that story you were going to tell me?”

And so we did. Chumana told me about some of her more interesting hunts, like the time she tracked down a roving band of Dogs that were harassing young Dragons that couldn’t fly just outside of the Dragon Lands. The only reason they survived all that long was because they didn’t take too much and they often got hurt worse than whatever damage they inflicted, but the reason they were being hunted down was because they’d killed a hatchling while invading a cave. Chumana caught them all, rounded them up, and burned them alive, one by one while they were still tied to each other. The way she described it was brutal, but she’s a fucking Dragon, so I didn’t expect it to be a happy story.

She asked about the time when I dated Celestia, so I gave her a few details about what that had been like, and by the time I was done telling her about it, she actually believed me. I asked if she’d ever been to Bridleland and she told me that she had, but that she’d been kicked out for fighting too much since she’d stayed drunk the entire time. She still wasn’t really allowed to go back, but she stopped by Scotchland from time to time for more alcohol. We traded stories back and forth until Nidhug and his wife, Viper, came and told me that they were going to raise Spike as one of their own. Spike and I heavily objected to this.

Nidhug explained that the only way Spike was going to get a real feel for being a Dragon would be to go to the Dragon Lands and learn from his own people, but Spike and I argued that he had a life and a family here, and that leaving them behind would be betraying the life he’s built since he was born. The counter argument was that Spike wasn’t even supposed to have been raised by ponies, but when I mentioned that Celestia was the one who had Spike’s egg in the first place, Nidhug groaned loudly and started complaining about some stupid agreement that stated that a Dragon Egg would be chosen once every eighty or so years to be raised in Pony lands as per a treaty that had been signed years ago. Basically, Spike was being groomed to be an ambassador for his species in Equestria, though no one had ever mentioned anything of the sort before and every ambassador raised in that way previously had been killed one way or another.

Chumana stepped in on my behalf and argued that a Dragon raised by Ponies would have a hard time assimilating into Dragon culture in the Home Land, but Nidhug and Viper were adamant, so I challenged Nidhug to an Honor Duel because it seemed like the only way I was going to be able to take Spike home. The fucker tried to make it so that I couldn’t use any weapons, but when I stood next to him and pointed out that he had scales, claws, horns, fire breath, and invulnerability to heat, I had a few Dragons agree that it was only fair that I be able to use something as inconsequential as a knife. My suggestion that we use first blood at the rule was accepted after some debate, but once I mentioned that leaving a widow just wasn’t something I wanted to do, Nidhug talked to his wife and she agreed that it wasn’t worth losing his life over, just in case. He was a little offended that she thought that he might not win, but I pointed out that I was an Operative for a reason and he shut his whore mouth and squared up instead of prolonging the ordeal.

The fight was over quickly because Nidhug underestimated me pretty hard. His first swing was nice and slow, so I cut his forearm with the serrated form of the Warbling Blade and it was over like that. He raged for a good ten minutes before I reasoned that it could have just as easily been his heart, and his wife calmed him down, stating that they could find another way to help Spike.

Spike and I took our leave shortly after so I wouldn’t have to fight someone else, but then some two and a half meter tall green mother fucker decided to start shit. He challenged me to an Honor Duel to the death, and offered to let me use whatever magic I wanted. I agreed after he called me a ‘scaleless coward’ and asked Chumana if she would guard Spike for me so that he didn’t get kidnapped or something. I was assured by multiple parties that no Dragon would be dirty enough to do that, but I still asked her to do it since I didn’t really trust a bunch of strangers to do anything other than fuck me over.

I was allowed to use anything other than Dark Magic, so when I squared up against the green guy, I waited for him to make a move and wrapped my tentacle around his neck. I was cheating so hard, but he’d wanted to use his fire breath, so I donned my gloves and started punching him in the stomach while choking him. He tried to swipe at me while I strangled him, but I was doing a damn good job at working out some pent up aggression, and I eventually made the guy start choking on his own vomit and fire, so I let him go and he let loose all over the volcano’s floor. I was walking away when a wall of scales barred me from leaving, so I walked over to Spike and told him to cover his eyes and ears for a little bit. When he asked what I was doing instead of just doing it, I asked Chumana to do it for me, but she refused and while I was arguing with them about whether or not Spike needed to see me do commit a heinous act, my chest got really warm, then really cold. Spike started crying for some reason and when I looked down to see why my chest felt weird, I saw a green claw holding something pulsing.

That green hand was holding my heart.

I felt a sudden jerk and my hands went to the gaping hole in my chest. Things got a lot darker all of a sudden, and I don’t really remember what happened after that, but I do remember that I woke up at the bottom of the mountain with a huge hole in my shirt and a ferocious itch in my chest. The Sun was setting and I had forgotten about what just happened until I started walking up the mountain. The green fucker I’d been fighting killed me. Next thing I know, I’m on top of the volcano, livid like never before, and I’m scanning the crowd for someone taller than most of the other Dragons. I vaguely remembered collecting an awful lot of stares as I travelled across the volcano, heading toward a big green friend that was talking to someone. The fog of fury cleared for a moment as I approached the guy who’d killed me from behind and tapped on his shoulder.

He turned around and stared at me. “... I killed you.”

“And tossed me off the volcano, I’m sure.”

“...Yeah.”

I whipped out the Warbling Blade and stuck it into his stomach, pouring Dark Magic into the blade, trying to corrupt the green friend’s very soul. He looked at where the blade met the inside of his body and just kind of shut down. I stabbed him a few dozen more times, but the guy was frozen in place like I’d stopped time. I didn’t stop until I was sure that I had worked out the worst of my pent up aggression, but once I had, I moved on to punching him until I felt better. My muscles ached and I was covered in steaming Dragon blood by the time I was done, but it was totally worth it. His friend watched the entire time, and when I rose, he took a step back.

“Oi. Bud. Where’s the little Dragon I was with earlier?” I asked.

He didn’t say anything and just pointed behind me, so I turned around and saw most of the Dragons around watching the spectacle either on the ground or hovering in the air. Spike was bright green, standing in between Nidhug and Viper, so I waved and he waved back meekly. I turned back around and surveyed my work. It was pretty gruesome and there were plenty of nasty things slipping and sliding about, so I picked up the corpse with telekinesis and flung it over the side of the volcano because all’s fair in vindication and murder.

I walked over to Nidhug. “Mind if I take my brother and leave? No, let me rephrase that; We’re leaving before someone else gets themselves killed.” I looked down to Spike. “Come on.”

We left without a word and started heading down the mountain. Spike was keeping a fair distance away from me, so I checked to see if I was leaking Dark Magic, and I was, so I put a lid on it and started walking closer to him. Spike cringed away, but I grabbed his shoulder and stopped him.

“Spike.” I said neutrally.

“Y-Yeah?” He obviously wanted me to stop touching him.

“Are you afraid of me?”

He didn’t answer me, so I sighed and took a knee. “Spike, listen mate. I’m the same Max you’ve always known. I was just a little upset that the green fellow ripped my heart out.”

“...Y-You… You were dead. And now you're alive.”

“I don’t die easily. I’ve told you that.”

“... What are you?”

I was a little hurt by that. “If I’m right, I’m a Revenant. If I’m wrong, I’m a lucky human.”

“Dude… You tore that guy apart.” Spike cheeks filled and he spit some bile over the side of the path.

“He killed me. He deserved it.”

Spike shook and shivered, but I figured that hugging him would be a terrible idea, so I started talking to fill the silence. He listened to the sound of my voice and my tone calmed him down, though I don't really think the guy was paying any real attention to what I was saying. In fairness, he just saw two gruesome deaths in one day, so I couldn’t really blame him for being shell shocked.

I kept up the conversation until we got to the forest where I threw up. Dying fucked my head up quite a bit, and not being able to remember what happened afterwards bothered me since I’d been hoping to have another chance at meeting God, if my earlier journals were right. Spike checked up on me to see if I was alright, but I told him that we were probably going to need to have a long talk if either of us were going to be okay after today. I offered to take him to the Dragon Lands when he got a bit older, and mentioned that I had a Dragon friend that might stop by if he ever wanted to meet her. We talked about some of the stuff he’d learned to get our minds off of the day until we met up with the girls.

Twilight immediately knew something was wrong with both of us, but the girls were mostly worried about the bloody fucking hole in my shirt and the fact that I was coated in red. I’d tried to cover it with my jacket after reclaiming it from the place I’d left it before fighting the dirty green guy, but it was still rather obvious and I hadn't been able to get much of the green fellow's blood off. I told them that things had gotten a bit difficult after they left, but that I had survived without a scratch. Spike kept his mouth shut regarding the fight and my revenge, preferring to let me come up with a half-truth that he stuck to vehemently once it was said. Applejack couldn’t call me out since I was honest about fighting, but I didn’t tell anyone that I’d died and Spike said nothing about the fact that I’d eviscerated the guy who’d killed me.

Spike and I were rather quiet on the way back home, allowing the girls to do the brunt of the talking. Twilight tried to take me aside and ask why we were acting strangely, but I told her that I would tell her the whole story the next day. She bargained for later that night and I let her have it since I had no reason to deny her request, though Spike asked that he be able to come over too. Pinkie suggested that we make a party out of it after rudely interrupting the conversation, but when I knocked her out, she shut up. I carried her home on my back since I’d put her out in the first place, but for once, Twilight didn’t bitch at me for doing something unnecessary.

After waking Pinkie up so she could take herself home, I’d earned a little ire from Rainbow and Applejack for being so quick to put her to sleep. When they started bitching at me and I didn’t respond in any way, they got the point and left me alone, taking their leave to go back to their own homes. Rarity and Fluttershy knew something was up with me since I was being unusually quiet, especially for being yelled at, but when they asked what was wrong, I told them that it wasn’t anything they wanted to hear about. They left it alone since I explained that I would be talking to Twilight about it shortly, which I was grateful for.

Twilight and Spike followed me home since it was already dark as shit out. They both kept clothes at my house by this point in my relationship with Twilight, so they didn’t need to stop by the Treebrary and grab anything. When we got to my place, I had them follow me downstairs into my cellar where I picked out my former favorite bourbon and invited Twilight to grab whatever she wanted. She picked out some wine I didn’t pay attention to and Spike asked if he could have a drink. Twilight told him no in the same second I told him yes, but I defaulted to Twilight since she was his primary caretaker, though she conceded once Spike mentioned that he’d seen two people die in the same day. After that, I grabbed a quick shower and met them downstairs so we could air things out.

Once we were upstairs and I had a couple shots poured for myself and Spike, I downed mine before I my hands could started shaking, but the tremors were gone anyways. Spike sniffed his glass and sighed before just pouring it back into the bottle, favoring some white grape juice from my ice box. I figured that I was just numbed out from the fact that I’d died, and Twilight cut me off when I went for my third glass. I couldn’t help but see her wisdom in the matter, so I closed the bottle and started talking.

“So I died today.” I said flatly.

Twilight put her wine glass down and folded her hands. “Somepony killed you and you went back and got your revenge. You died in front of Spike and killed somepony in front of him.”

“That’s the gist of it.”

“That’s not the important part.” Spike said softly.

Twilight put an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close. “What is the important part?”

“The guy who killed me ripped my heart out in front of Spike. When I killed the guy, I made it real messy.” I explained.

Spike shook his head. “Max told me not to look, and I got him killed because I didn’t want to listen.”

“It’s not your fault, Spike. I shouldn’t have turned my back to an enemy.” I assured him.

“If I hadn't been arguing with you, there wouldn’t have been a distraction, and you wouldn’t have died. That guy might not have died.” He said numbly.

I shook my head. “He challenged me to an Honor Duel. One of us was going to die either way.”

Twilight tugged on my hand with magic and pulled me over to join her and Spike on the couch. She grabbed my hand and held it firmly. “I know it’s an understatement, but you two have had a rough day. Maybe some rest might help get your mind off of it?”

I kissed Twilight’s cheek. “I’m here with you. I’ll be okay.”

Spike sighed. “I’ll be alright, it’s just… I feel guilty. All of this happened because of me.”

Twilight hugged him harder and I said, “You didn’t make anyone challenge me, Spike. Other people’s decisions aren’t your responsibility, little man, so try not to dwell on it.”

“...You still haven’t been wrong so far. I trust you, Max.” He said sincerely.

“Thank you, Spike. That means a lot to me.”

Twilight hummed happily and that made us smile. “I’m glad to see my stallions are bonding.”

“Men don’t bond, Twilight.” I reminded her.

“Remember the archipelago?” Spike chuckled.

She rolled her eyes. “I swear, you guys are like brothers or something.”

Spike leaned around Twilight. “Max called me his brother earlier.”

I nodded. “That’s because you practically are. I might as well start calling you ‘brother’ now since I intend on marrying your sister.”

He smiled. “I think I can deal with that.”

Twilight beamed brightly. “Now I just need you to get along with Shining!” What if I told you that I could’ve nailed his fiancee?

Spike sighed. “But he’s such a stick in the mud, I don’t think he’ll ever come around to Max if he hasn’t already.”

Twilight put her arm around my neck and pulled Spike and myself to her chest. “You never know! You guys just need to have faith!”

We scoffed and Twilight blushed. “You work on getting him to accept me as your boyfriend and I’ll go talk to Noir. I need to get some things settled with her.”

Spike looked between us. “Who’s Noir?”

“A friend of mine that I have to talk to in a special way.” I explained. “She’s hard to get ahold of, but she’s pleasant most days.”

Twilight let me go and reclaimed my hand. “Are you sure we can’t just spend the night together? Just the three of us?”

I kissed her cheek. “I’ll see her in the morning then. Tonight can be for us.”

It was agreed that we would spend some time taking our minds off of the horrendous scenes from earlier by making popcorn, dancing around to whatever music Spike picked, and making use of my observatory. It was nice.

Author's Note

This chapter took some doing, but I published like, five short stories while trying to jog my muse, so read those I guess. They don't suck too bad.

Fun Fact: Max was dead for about an hour since all of his bones had to heal from being tossed off a fucking volcano. It doesn't affect anything, I just thought you might like to know

Like, comment, throw feedback at me. Whatever you want to do.

As Always, Stay Cool, Kids.

Chapter Thirty-One: Baron Of The Rings
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Thirty-One: Baron Of The Rings

Chapter Thirty-One: Baron of the Rings

I woke up a lot earlier than Twilight did, but sadly, it wasn’t just because of nightmares or something simple like that. My chest was itching something fierce where I’d been impaled, so I tried ignoring it to the best of my abilities. When that didn’t work, I decided to try meditating to see if I could escape from my irritation in my the depths of my mind. I closed my eyes and did the usual thing, but this time, it actually worked. I opened my eyes to find that I was standing in the inky blackness of the void and Noir was nowhere to be found, so I imagined her in my mind and willed myself to join her wherever she was at. It worked immediately, but when I tried to talk to her, she vanished. That frustrated me a little bit and I could still feel a little tickle around my heart, so I tried tracking her down again, but the same thing happened.

After ten minutes of teleporting to her and having her disappear into the ether, I thought of my old hangout and conjured up a cell phone so I could text her. In my months without one, I’d practically forgotten how to use it, but the memories came back quickly enough and I sent Noir a text. I wasn’t sure of how a six thousand year old grandma was going to handle the technology, but when she replied, I stopped worrying about it so much. Noir told me that she couldn’t bear to face me after letting me down so badly and I told her to suck it up and come and face me like the grown-ass woman she was. Noir replied by way of teleporting to my location and sitting down in my hammock while I took Maxwell’s. I couldn’t help that instead of her usual tunic and trousers combo, she’d gone for an old fashioned dress that looked a little on the heavy side. When the thought crossed my mind, she changed into something equally nice, but far less cumbersome.

“Look. My main problem is that you tried to take on the whole Zeal thing by yourself, and you know that. It’s not like you didn’t trust me enough to help, it’s just that you’re a stubborn fool sometimes and I, of all people, understand what that feels like.”

She sighed. “I know you do, but… I feel like I am starting to do more harm than good-”

“And you know that isn’t true. You’re keeping your magic in check, preventing me from doing evil shit, and I’m willing to bet that you’re the reason why my sternum is itching instead of burning.”

“I have to keep my magic in check lest I kill both of us, your morals keep you from doing most terrible things, and the last part is the least I can do for you. It is not every day one survives having their heart plucked from their chest.”

I sighed heavily. “Can’t you just bitch at me a little for turning my back to someone I was supposed to be killing?”

Noir pursed her lips. “I would, but I do not feel as though it is my place to scold you for your actions.”

I glared at her and cleared my mind, standing up and slapping both of my hands onto her thighs. Noir flinched before I kissed her for the first time. I let my lips linger on hers for a few moments while her breath hitched, and once I pulled away, I started gently rocking the hammock. Noir sat and swayed while I put my words together.

“Look, I’m difficult. I always have been, always will be. As my spiritual protector, it’s your place and your right to advise me when you can and to chastise me when I fuck up, so don’t feel like you have to hold your tongue just because we’re going through a rough patch.”

Noir looked at my hands and took them in her own. “... I suppose you are right. It makes little sense for me to cease my duties just because I failed you.”

“You didn’t fail me in the first place. You messed up by not asking for help, but I wouldn’t call that a failure. It’s an oversight at worst.”

“It nearly cost you your body…” She said quietly.

“And it taught us a valuable lesson in asking people for help, right?” I asked.

Noir played with my fingers, stretching and bending them. “I suppose it has. I am sorry I did not allow you to assist me, and I am sorry that I was too cowardly to face you before now, but I could not face you after coming so close to letting you down. Can you forgive me?”

I made her let go of my fingers so I could cup her face in my hands. I squished her cheeks together gently. “Say ‘I’m a pudgy bunny’.”

“I am a pudgy bunny.” Noir said dutifully.

I gave her another kiss. “Apology accepted, forgiveness given. No more barring me from the mindscape unless I’ve done something to upset you, okay? When you won’t let me see you, I get worried.”

Noir blushed. “I would say that your concern is flattering, but that would imply that it is not genuine. Thank you, Maximus.”

“You’re welcome, Noir.” I shifted the scene and our hammocks appeared on the beach. After erecting a canopy and pushing my hammock closer to hers, I laid down.

Noir followed suit. “Is now the appropriate time to tell you how foolish it was to turn your back on a foe?”

My answer doesn’t really matter. “Blaze blue tractor sand.”

Noir shook her head. “Regardless of your nonsense, you should have known better! Even if you wanted to avoid having Spike see something as soul soiling as murder, you should have finished your opponent before trying to speak to anyone else! How you could be so dim witted at to think you had more than a few seconds is beyond me, but I suppose that’s what I get for thinking that you are smart on more than the rare occasion. Honestly, that Dragon had no honor, but you had no brain!”

“Yes, let the hate flow through you.” I chuckled.

Noir huffed. “Rant over. You understand where you went wrong and you’re upset about it enough as is. I suggest you keep that thought in mind the next time something tries to take you from Twilight.”

“I will, though I think it’s just the whole ‘undying’ thing that’s getting to me. I’m not really that scared of anything any more.” I said

“You still fear the death of Twilight and Spike, so continue watching over them until the time comes where they can defend themselves. It will give you purpose until Twilight’s day comes.” Noir said cheerfully.

I rolled over in my hammock and fixed her with a funny look. “Why do you sound so happy about my girlfriend eventually dying?”

“I never said that I was happy about Twilight dying. We may address that later, but for now, we must speak about your status as a Revenant. Your guess is correct: Your body is being held together by a combination of Dark Magic and science at this point. If you take the time to look in a mirror, you will find that one of your eyes has turned grey, symbolizing the spread of Dark Magic through your body. If you keep dying, the magic will keep spreading.”

I conjured up a mirror and looked into it. Surely enough, one of my eyes was the same color as the Moon and the other was the normal forest green that I’d always liked. I made the mirror shatter since it’d shown me something I didn’t really want to see.

“So what happens if I die again? I’m guessing that the other eye turns grey, but what does that mean for my body? Hell, what does that mean for me in general?” I asked.

“If you die again, you will come back, but you will become paler. You have currently lost the ability to tan naturally, but you will no longer burn by the sun, and my magic should be easier for you to use. If you die too often, I will have to take over your body to prevent you from becoming a true Revenant, but for the time being, you could call yourself a Revenant reject of sorts.”

“That sounds like some shitty shithead’s gamer tag from middle school.” I commented.

“Be that as it may, you’re a being of Dark Magic now. Soon, it will be time for you to learn how to use my magic, but for now, your tools are adequate.” Noir sighed. “I truly wish that things had not turned out this way, but we have few options at this point.”

“I don’t want it, Noir. If you can teach me how to keep it in check for myself, then that’s all I really want. My powers are good enough as they are.”

“That option remains on the table, but it would be good for you to learn some of my more powerful moves, just in case Celestia or another ancient being gives you undue trouble. I want you to be to defend yourself without having to resort to murdering things.”

“Cool, I guess I’ll just use Dark Magic to trap whoever I want to kill for all eternity. Sounds like a fair trade to me.”

Noir reached over and swatted me. “Hush, Max. I’m saying that I could teach you how to seal powers indefinitely. You could not suppress Celestia entirely, but you could do something of the sort. You could likely stop her from using lethal moves against you, if need be.”

“Good to know. I’m pretty sure Celestia would find a way to kill me, so it’s nice that I have a defense against that.” I lay still for a moment. “Level with me, Noir. Am I turning evil?”

“No, but you are growing slightly darker in your demeanor. As long as you continue to counsel with Twilight and myself, you will be fine.”

I hopped out of my hammock and pushed it over to Noir’s before fusing them together. When I rolled in, I ended up on top of her with her furry fun bags in my hands. “You know, I think I’ve come to like fur on breasts. It was a little weird at first, but now it reminds me of a warm plush doll.”

Noir placed her hands over mine, holding them to her chest. I didn’t miss the light blush on her face. “I know that you did not mean to put your hands here, but could you remove them?”

I took my hands away and placed them on either side of her, leaning down so that out face were nearly touching, giving her the opportunity to lick my nose. I wiped off her slobber and said, “I’ll continue talking to you for as long as you’ll have me, Noir. You know that.”

Noir placed her hands on my hips and that felt weird. “I know, but I believe the time is coming for you to learn of my past. Perhaps we’ll see if you want to continue seeing me after that.”

“You already know how I feel regarding your past.” I sat back and gave Noir some room to prop herself up on her elbows.

“I know. Can I have another kiss?” She asked meekly, completely out of character.

I leaned in and gave her one because I’m nice and Noir had me lay down next to her since we had plenty of space with the hammocks being doubled. She asked me not to record any of the things she told me about, but I can say that she started out with with giving me a broad overview of the things she’s done in her life, and once she was finished with the summary, she started giving me examples of times she’d done said terrible things.

Noir has tortured a lot of people. Like, more than I would have thought possible, even with her long life. She’d committed more straight up murder than Celestia and Luna combined. War was her name and her game when she and her sister had their own country, but I couldn’t help but feel more pity than any kind of disgust for Noir. She beat herself up over her sins like I did, but she was far more self-hating than I could ever be. It was sad to see in someone who had been nothing but pleasant to me, and our time concluded with Noir crying softly into my chest, wondering why I didn’t hate her.

Honestly, I couldn’t bring myself to feel anything other than sorry for her. Noir wasn’t a victim of circumstance by any means: She’d fought hard to eventually get to her final position and to make the mistakes she’d made, but she was wholly repentant about what she’d done and I couldn’t really find fault with that. The woman had tried to change in her last few years on Equus, but a deal with a devil claimed Noir’s body, turning it into an artifact of some incredible power while rendering her completely ethereal. Noir’s soul had to be fused into her sister’s body for her to have a chance at survival, but in doing so, she’d basically ruined any chance of getting her body back. Noir had spent about three to thousand years as little more than a shade in the breeze, and when her sister’s body was destroyed as well, their souls bonded and they eventually found a host in Luna. Noir was shunted to the side and her sister began whispering insidious things into Luna’s ear, but Noir nearly shook me to death while trying to explain that she had only rolled over and given up because her sister was so much stronger than she was at that point.

Splitting their souls between Luna and I had given Noir much of her old power back, and thankfully, her passiveness had lead her sister to believe that she was weak and pliable. Much to Nightmare Moon's surprise, Noir took the opportunity to steal most of her sister’s power and carry it into me, and though she’d tried to reach me before, I needed to actively be searching for her to find her in my mindscape which was why I hadn't found her while I was in the Everfree meditating. I found the whole thing to be a little bit much to process, but I still listened patiently and may have coddled Noir a little bit. The woman could use some love and affection, and I was happy to give it to her. She soaked it up like she was Spongebob and my TLC was Patrick’s semen.

Fun Fact: When I’m alone now, I can hear Noir in my head if I focus. As I’m writing, she just told me that my analogy was terrible and that I should feel terrible.

Still, while I was stroking Noir’s hair, trying to get her to understand that I still liked her as much as I did before she told me her life story, I noticed that she smelled like blackberry cobbler. It was an observation that I shared with her that made her start laughing for some odd reason, so I figured that cheering her up was the way to go. I licked her face and told her that she didn’t really taste that much like blackberries, but then she hiked up her skirts and let me have another go at it.

Noir wants me to explain that she allowed me to do that because she knew that my love for her was solid and unwavering, not because I’d used neckbeard tactics to get into her pants. I would like to say that I tipped my fedora to her after giving her a few more licks than necessary, but what I really did was introduce her to the wonders of silk and lace knickers. She wasn’t particularly fond of either because they just seemed too feminine for her, but I convinced her to give the lace a try and she liked that they weren’t as soft as the silk, though she still preferred to go commando. I asked her why she’d bothered with the sports bra whenever we fought instead of just letting her wiggly jigglies flop about and she told me to stop being stupid, stating that sports bras were God’s gift to Human women and that I needed to talk to Rarity about having them made. I wrote it on my hand with a pen until I remembered that I was in the mindscape.

Noir made me leave shortly after that since I was starting to disconnect from reality, but we’d easily spent eight hours in each other’s company, so it was about time for me to go anyways. She closed my eyes for me, but not before she got one more kiss in. I woke up to find Twilight smiling at me dreamily, so I gave her a kiss on the forehead and wrote down a note, telling me to visit Rarity later in the day. Twilight followed me out of bed and started browsing through Roxy’s clothes until she found a navy blue skirt that stopped a few inches above the knee and a white blouse to go along with it. I felt like being cute, so I threw on some jeans and a white V-Neck so we could match and Twilight thought that was just the sweetest thing, so we hurried up and got coffee so we could do some morning snogging.

Spike was already up, but he was just sitting in the living room, staring at the bottle of bourbon I’d left out. That was a warning sign if I’d ever seen one, so I grabbed a seat next to him and asked Twilight to make some toast real quick. I knew she was going to fuck it up royally, but it was something I could console her over and probably squeeze a few kisses out of, so it killed two birds with one stone. Spike stared after her as she went into the kitchen, and once she was out of sight, he started talking.

“I’m okay, mate. I know what you’re thinking.” He told me. Please stop saying that.

“Astute observations. Mind sharing what’s on your mind?” I asked.

“Max, I’m pretty sure you’ve killed poni- people. I’m sure you’ve killed people before.” He turned to me.

I raised a brow. “I have.”

“...What’s it like?” Fuck you think, kid?

I sighed. “It’s bad, Spike. Killing people fucked me up something terrible. It destroyed a piece of who I was as a person, and it’s something you never forget, no matter how long you live. Don’t let what happened yesterday fool you: I wasn’t really in control of what I did, and if I was, the guy would still be dead, but not like that. No one deserves that.”

Spike interlaced his fingers and squeezed them together. “So you feel bad, even though that guy killed you?”

“...Things get complicated from there, Spike. They really do.”

“I’d ask what you mean, but that’s usually what you say when you don’t want to explain something.”

“If I thought it would help you at all, I’d tell you” I patted his back. “Is there anything else on your mind?”

He stared at the bottle in front of him. “...What was dying like?”

“Well… At first, it was really warm, like the Sun was beating down on me really hard, but then that warmth went away and everything got cold. After that, I remember hitting my knees, but after that, the next thing I remember is waking up at the bottom of the volcano. I’m lucky he didn’t toss me into the volcano, otherwise I would’ve stayed dead.” I shivered. I hadn't thought about how close I’d been to never being seen again, and Spike’s questions were starting to open doors to answers I really wasn’t looking for.

Spike looked at me. “Are you sure you're okay? I mean, seeing two po- people die was bad enough on me, but at least I didn’t see some… One? It’s some’one’, right?” I nodded. “At least I didn’t see someone with my heart in their claws.”

I gave him a crooked smile. “Believe it or not, I’ve bounced back from worse. Probably not that level of sheer physical damage, but the emotional aspect is something I’ve- Do you smell smoke?”

Spike sniffed the air. “Twilight! The toast!”

We rushed off into the kitchen to see Twilight freaking out next to the toaster. I don’t even know how she managed to fuck things up since I’d had it set to the correct notch for good toast, but somehow, smoke was pouring out of my poor toaster and Twilight was about to douse the thing with water when I just took the damned thing outside so she didn’t make it explode or some shit. When I came back, Twilight was on the ground crying about how she couldn’t even do something as simple as making toast, and Spike was doing his best to console her.

His way wasn’t working, so I had him step back and worked my magic like I usually do. After a five second kiss, Twilight straightened up a bit. “Cherry. Listen to me, okay?”

She wiped her eyes, but her chin was still quivering. “O-Okay.”

“Can you fix a book? Practically any kind of wear and tear?”

“D-Depend-Depending on the damage.” She replied.

“Can you not read twelve books at a time?” I asked

“Thi-Thirteen, but yes.”

I rolled my eyes. “Can’t you find any book in your library, no matter where it is?”

She wiped her eyes one last time. “Yeah, I can.”

“Do any of those things have to do with cooking?”

Twilight and Spike both gave me an odd look. “No. What are you getting at?”

“Just because you can’t cook doesn’t mean that you can’t do anything right. You do a lot of amazing things, but cooking just isn’t your bag, cherry.”

Twilight opened her mouth to say something, but she just shook her head and smiled. I offered her a hand up and gave her another kiss once she was on her feet. “You know, amour, you really do have a way of making a mare feel better about herself.”

“When that ‘mare’ is my ‘mare’, then I pull out all the stops. Trust me, once you see the funds I plan on dumping into our wedding, you’ll be even more amazed.” I grinned.

Twilight looked at me funny. “My Dad said he was going to pay for my wedding.”

“Then I’ll match whatever he spends, bit for bit. I will give you the biggest wedding this country has ever seen.”

Twilight looked at Spike and he shrugged. “Max, how much money do you have?”

“Shit, I don’t know. I got rich off of the first Gryphonia job. Then I got rich off of the Kobolds. Then I got rich off of the second Gryphonia job. Now I’m making a small fortune with how well A Single Breath and A Thousand Moments are selling. Honestly, I’m not hurting for money any time within the next five hundred years by Celestia’s mark.”

She and Spike traded another look. “Yes, but how much exactly?”

“Aren’t you my steward? Don’t you take care of that?” I asked.

“I take care of your public persona and stuff like that, but since I’m your fillyfriend, I do that anyways.”

I grimaced. “Fillyfriend sounds terrible. I need to go ask questions. Spike, you mind letting Twilight watch you make breakfast so she can take in depth notes or something?”

He nodded. “Sure, but what questions are you asking and to who?”

They looked at me expectantly, but I fucked off too quickly to answer and went to grab my Dragon Fire and started asking everyone I liked what I should do for an engagement ring. I asked Fleur and Fancy if I should find something that I think Twilight might like, or if I should let her pick. Fancy said to let her pick and Fleur said to choose for her, so I asked Mary and she responded, telling me that I should pick for her. Apparently Onyx was with her, because he sent a note soon after hers and told me not to believe a word out of a woman’s mouth when it came to jewelry, so I took my not-dad’s advice and started making plans to head to Canterlot in the next couple of days.

When I came back to Twilight and Spike, she had found my egg timer and was using it to calculate how long Spike was leaving things to cook when I walked up behind her and palmed her bottom. Twilight jumped hard, but relaxed when I didn’t remove my hand, so I left it there for a little while. Twilight has a great bottom, so I wasn’t exactly complaining, but when she raised a brow at me, I gave her a grin and moved my hand up to her side. Much to my surprise (and pleasure), she put my hand back where it had been and moved her hips back a little like she was asking me to squeeze her bottom. I happily complied and she started giggling like a mad woman.

Spike eventually gave us the craziest look I’d seen him give. “Whatcha laughin’ at, huh!? You think I don’t hear ya laughin’ at meh!?”

I fucking died and Twilight followed suit, but she couldn't come back to life, so I held onto her so her soul wouldn’t float away. Spike got some chuckles from our antics and continued cooking breakfast until I washed my hands and put myself to work helping him set up a nice fruit salad for breakfast. Twilight set the table since she was officially banned from cooking until she could work out how to use the toaster, and I started plating once Spike got the eggs done. We didn’t have any toast for obvious reasons, but breakfast was still nice, and I asked Twilight and Spike if they wanted to go to Canterlot with me in a few hours. They asked why I was going and I said it was a surprise that I could bring back with me, so Twilight opted to go with me, but Spike wanted to go stay with Fluttershy for a little bit. I asked why he wanted Fluttershy in particular and he just blushed and tapped his claws together.

Twilight and I shared a knowing look and I just told him to keep out of Fluttershy’s room. He blushed harder and I broke out laughing again, though Twilight didn’t really know why. I told her that I would explain when she was older and I got hit for that, but it was worth it. Spike took off before I could embarrass him anymore, sadly. Once he was gone, Twilight asked me a question.

“So does Spike have a crush on Fluttershy too, now? And why did you tell him to stay out of her room?”

I gave her a grin. “I’m pretty sure he does and I’m willing to bet that he’s heard her during her alone time enough to be interested. He’s of that age right about now, anyways.”

Twilight jaw dropped and she hit me much harder than she did before. “And you were just going to let him invade Fluttershy’s privacy like that!? Max!”

I blinked at her and rubbed my pec. “Well now that you put it like that, I’m glad I told him to stop doing that. Dammit woman, can you fucking swing.”

Twilight looked at me, then at her still balled up fist. “Oh yeah. You kinda did tell him to stop, didn’t you?”

I gestured for her to come closer, and when she did, I flicked one of her ears. She flinched away and rubbed at it. “I wouldn’t tell him to go creeping on one of my friends, cherry. Have some faith, will you?”

“Sorry…” She continued rubbing her ear.

I rolled my eyes. “If you let me rub your tummy, I’ll accept your apology.”

Twilight’s eyes lit up like I’d told her that Christmas was on her birthday this year and that she would get quadruple the presents due to some unknown modifier in the universe’s matrix. She grabbed my hand and ran toward the couch, stopped, headed for the stairs, stopped, and finally decided to let my hand go and teleport half of a cigar into my house. She lit it up on our way outside and we sat on my porch swing, though I got a blanket for Twilight’s legs so she wouldn’t be flashing anyone that came outside. From inside my house. You know, I probably could have thought harder about that, but it was a little chilly for the morning anyway.

(Ctrl+F Scene is Over To Skip. Mild Tummy Sluttery ahead.)

I rubbed Twilight’s tummy for the better part of an hour and she even let me play with her ears, despite my earlier abuse. She let me put my hands wherever I wanted, like on her ribcage, over her squishy intestine-y bits, and near her sternum. I didn’t go too far south since I didn’t have explicit permission to do so, and Twilight really wasn’t in any shape to give it to me, so I kept things PG. Weird, but PG.

After I had my fill of her soft tummy fur, I started drawing circles into the fine follicles until Twilight snapped out on her reverie. She took my hand and held it just below her navel, biting her lip and giving me an apprehensive look. I gave her an encouraging smile and crept my hand down a little lower. She pushed it to the waist of her skirt, so I slipped it underneath and she gasped softly. I started to withdraw my hand, but Twilight pushed it down a little further until I could feel a familiar intimate heat radiating just below my finger tips. She left my hand there, so I figured that it was my move, and since I couldn’t kiss her, I decided to distract her by playing with her ears some more.

Twilight sighed in content and I took that as being the right move to make, so I continued doing it as I let my hand follow the set course and I found that Twilight was wearing panties with a bow on them. They weren’t from Roxy’s stock, so I assumed that they were some of her own. I’d made my move, so I waited for Twilight to make hers. She let go of the back of my hand in favor of grabbing my fingers, moving them back slightly so she could slide them under her knickers. Once my hand was under them, her breathing became a little erratic, so I took my hand away entirely and sat so that Twilight was between my legs, her back on my chest. We began the game again, but this time, I distracted Twilight by kissing and nibbling on her neck.

Unlike a lot of our intimate moments, I didn’t feel flustered at all, so I took my time inching my hand toward Twilight’s private area, though she seemed a little anxious. I put my free hand on her stomach to calm her down and it worked like a charm, so I tried nibbling on her ears and she melted against me. Twilight managed to keep the game going , but we were nearing the end of it quickly since she’d put my hand back under her panties. Her fingers lightly twitched against mine, so I made the final pushed and let my finger slide over one of my favourite things. Twilight started slightly against me, but her hand stayed on mine as I let my finger roll her sensitive little button around I took a moment to pop my finger in my mouth so it wouldn’t be as dry, but Twilight heard me do it and when I went to put my hand back where it’d been, she grabbed it and put my middle finger in her mouth, sucking my saliva from it like I tasted good or something. Once she was done sucking my finger, she allowed me to return to what I was doing.

Twilight let out a little moan and I bit her neck a little harder. She hissed and used her free hand to grab at my hair, pressing my face into her neck. Sadly, I couldn’t see anything that was going on below the waist since we’d opted to use the blanket, just in case anyone came out and caught us in the middle of something two legal adults were perfectly allowed to do. In any case, Twilight grew tired of me just circling her clit and pushed my hand a bit further down to the point where I could feel that she was already soaked. I had no clue that tummy rubs did so much for her, but I was glad that they did. I felt her slightly sticky nectar on my fingertips and used it to coat my thumb so I could still give her little button some attention.

She moaned softly as I tried to keep up three things at once, though I don’t think she could truly appreciate the level of ‘rub-your-tummy-and-pat-your-head’ going on at the moment. I’m rather sure she didn’t care too much either since she started shuddering when I teased her entrance, and soon enough, Twilight’s back arched and she let out a low, sexy moan. I could feel her release her arousal on my finger and I was pretty sure that she’d just ruined the skirt she was wearing, but I was totally fine with throwing it in the next time I did laundry. I didn’t have a reason to stop teasing her through her orgasm, so I kept doing what I had been doing, except I moved my hand from her tummy to her breast and continued from there.

My hand had been over her clothes, but Twilight was quick enough to correct that by grabbing my hand and placing it under her shirt. I found out that her bra latched at the front pretty quickly, but I didn’t really want to bother it, so I hesitated. Twilight pulled away from my kisses and unhooked it with magic, giving me all the permission I needed to let my hands wander a bit while I dipped my finger into her honeypot. She gasped a little louder when I did that, so I teased a little more as I tried licking her ear. She shivered and leaned into me, so I figured that keeping it to a minimum would do more for her than slobbering all over her head. I flicked and nibbled on her ear with my tongue occasionally and massaged her breast to the best of my ability, trying not to be too rough with the sensitive flesh, but when I pinched harder than I meant to and Twilight let out a cry that was somewhere between being thrilled and mild pain. I decided that she could do with a little more roughness.

I took her little nubbin in my slippery fingers and held it as well as I could before gently grinding around in circles, changing direction whenever I reached the end of a motion. Twilight squirmed and wriggled around against me until I tried pinching it a little harder, this time, causing her to cry out in a delicious voice that made me want to hear it again, but I held back and waited for Twilight to finish with her orgasm before starting to build another one. Twilight’s hand gripped mine for dear life, so I removed my hand from her panties and let her catch her breath. Twilight closed her legs, shivering hard and let them fall against the back of the swing, twitching hard on occasion. She turned her head to look at me and I made sure that I was visible in licking her nectar from my fingers. Twilight whimpered and grabbed my hand again, getting a taste of herself from my fingertips before I could clean them.

(Crtl+F Scene is Over to Skip. Tummy Sluttery Complete.)

“Max~” She sighed dreamily.

“Yes cherry?” I asked.

“Are we waiting until we’re married, or can we do it when we get engaged?”

I blinked my surprise. “Well, I was planning on waiting until marriage.”

Twilight sighed contentedly. “I can deal with that. It’ll be even more special when we finally do get the the real thing.”

“Since when are you so casual about sex?” I chuckled.

Twilight’s face was already flushed. “I did some thinking. You’ve been giving your mind over to me, and I know that’s harder for you than giving your body over to somepony, so why shouldn’t I give back? You don’t really ask all that much, and on the rare occasion when you do ask, it’s never anything that you think I wouldn’t be okay with.”

I thought about that. “Honestly, I just want you to be comfortable with me-”

“And I am. Taking things slowly has worked wonders.”

I chuckled. “I’ve noticed. When we first started, you wouldn’t even let me see you naked.”

She playfully slapped my leg. “I guess I just never thought I’d be close to a stallion like I am with you. Being around you just puts me at ease, and being near you constantly just… Besides making my heart do funny things, it makes me happier than anything else I do. When you’re not around, I think of you. When you are around, it’s so easy to just be the me I don’t usually let the girls see.” She lazily used magic to fix her bra.

I kissed her cheek. “I’ve heard that true love tends to do that. When I’m around you, I know my heart skips a beat everytime I look in your direction, and that I can’t help but want to touch you in some way. Even if it’s just holding hands or having you lay on me like you recently started doing, it’s all like reaching up and taking the Moon in your hands. It feels like it should be impossible, but when I see you, I feel like I can do anything.”

Twilight chuckled. “I know you remember the bonfire you had not too long ago. You were so nervous that night, I thought it was so odd to see you anxious about something for once. You’re usually so good about hiding it.”

“I remember. You told me to relax, and we had some fun from there.”

“Which I would like to do again sometime. If we can’t have actual… Well, you know… Then doing it as girls is the next best thing.”

“You’re so naughty sometimes. I love it!”

Twilight beamed and pulled the blanket up to her chest. “I know. That’s a part of the reason why I’ve started to be more forward.”

“And the other parts?” I asked.

Twilight coughed, her blush returning. “Well… Maybe it feels good too.”

“What about the taste?” I grinned.

Twilight slapped my thigh again and giggled nervously. “Okay, so I like the taste a little.”

“I haven’t seen you spill so much as a drop yet.” I teased.

“Oh hush! Let’s stop talking and go take a shower or something.” Twilight said, scooting so that she could sit upright.

“Am I invited this time?” I asked hopefully.

Twilight’s eye twitched. “As much as I’d like that, I don’t think I’m ready for that level of intimacy quite yet.”

I shrugged. “Can’t blame me for trying. I guess we can take some time for showers since we didn’t bother with them this morning.”

Twilight gave me a look. “Of course we took showers this morning.”

“No we didn’t. You got dressed, so I got dressed. I figured one day wouldn’t kill me since I took one last night, but you never did get in the shower. Last night or this morning.”

Her face lit up bright red and she covered her face. “Ohmygosh! I can’t believe I had you do that when I didn’t even bathe! And I wore your clean clothes without taking a bath!”

I rolled my eyes. “I’d kiss you anywhere you asked me to, regardless of your shower situation. Go ahead and get your shower done with. The blouse should be fine, but the skirt is probably in need of some washing, so I’ll grab you the royal blue one. It’s a little shorter than that one, but I have some striped socks that match.”

Twilight uncovered her face and gave me a weird look. “You know I have my own clothes, right?”

“Yeah, but I like seeing you in blue.”

She rolled her eyes. “The trains to Canterlot usually leave at noon or at two. I can teleport us there, or I can teleport us home.”

I pursed my lips and ran a few scenarios through my head. “How badly do you want to talk to Celestia?”

She blinked at me. “How did you know I was thinking about talking to Celestia” I didn’t.

I gave her a droll look. “I glean things on occasion, cherry. You know I learn about things I shouldn’t just through observation alone.”

“That tells me nothing about how you know.”

“It wasn’t supposed to.” I patted her knee and stood up, doubing over when I realized the Ol’ Chap was resting against the zipper. “Okay, ow.”

Twilight rolled her eyes and stood up. We both looked at the damage she’d caused to my porch swing’s padding. “Okay, I knew it was good, but I didn’t think it was that good.”

I grinned. “Glad to know I can surpass your expectations. Come on, cherry. Shower time.”

“I just want you to know that I haven’t had somepony pick my clothes out for me since I could dress myself.”

“I’m sure you haven’t.”

“And the last time somepony made me take a shower, I was still learning magic.”

“Glad I can be your boyfriend and your boss.” I said drily.

Twilight tried to pinch my tricep, but she couldn’t find any purchase on the muscle. “Why are your arms so hard?” I take my pushups very seriously.

“I want to look good for you, and on humans, muscle is pretty noticeable.”

She patted my stomach. “You know, you’re awfully thin…”

“I swear I don’t know how. Once I get meat into my diet, I’ll probably fill out some more, but it’s not like the vegetarian diet I have is doing me any favors. Seriously, I eat everything in my house on a weekly basis and I still spend fifty bits on shopping whenever I go.”

Twilight gaped. “You eat fifty bits worth of groceries a week!?”

I nodded. “Less awe, more shower. Shoo.”

“Where does it all go?” She stared at me, raking over my form with her eyes. Into the toilet after about six to eight hours.

I shrugged. “I don’t really know. I think a lot of it gets burnt up by Dark Magic.”

Twilight gave me a worried look. “Are you sure you can’t die from starvation? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like you in any shape, but I don’t think a line is very healthy.”

I patted her shoulder and started steering her inside. “Like I said, I’ll change up my diet soon. Once we get back from Canterlot, I might go hunting or something tonight.”

Twilight stopped and grabbed my hand. “...Can I come with you?”

I gave her a sad smile. “I highly suggest that you don’t.”

“You do give good advice most days. I guess I can wait for you until you come back.”

“It’ll be a pretty drawn out process, cherry, and I’ll need to store what I get in my house.” That, and I need to set up the smoker in my shed.

Twilight didn’t look too happy about that. “Can you at least tell me why your eyes are different colors?”

I blinked. “Oh yeah. I forgot that happened. When I died, a little more of Noir’s magic had to fill in the gaps, so it took the green from my right eye and replaced it with grey. I’m not going blind or anything, it’s just an aesthetic change.”

She didn’t look convinced, but I’d basically told her the truth. I may have omitted the fact that if I kept dying, that I would eventually turn into a full blown Revenant. It wasn’t like I needed to worry her with that at the moment, so I focused on looking up her skirt while we were walking up the stairs until Twilight made me walk beside her. I thought that it wasn’t terribly fair since she’d given me no form of release after I’d gotten her off twice, but I let it slide because love allows you to do that for time to time. Once we were upstairs, I showed her the skirt and socks that I’d told her about and she agreed that they were quite cute together, so she took them into the bathroom and I did some pushups while looking in the mirror in different positions to make sure my form was correct. I had to adjust once or twice, but I was getting the most out of my diamonds when Twilight strolled out of the shower and into my room. She might have been trying to be funny, but she sat on my back and had me do a half set after laying a towel on me so she wouldn’t get wet. I was a little worn out since she’d taken her time in her shower and I hadn't taken much of a break, but I was able to get it in with few enough difficulties. Twilight rose from my back and I got off the floor, borrowing her towel to clean up the droplets I’d left behind.

Twilight’s eyes were glued to me, though whether it was because I was glistening with a good sweat or because I was only wearing boxers, I don’t know. Either way, I gave her a wink and a smile before heading into the shower. I heard the door creak open behind me as I headed into the shower, so I whipped around and did the helicopter until I heard Twilight burst out in giggles. Once the door was shut, I got my shit done and got out because I’m a goddamn man and I don’t need an hour in the shower.

I took the time to actually examine how Twilight looked this time around and gave her a wolf whistle. She looked rather good, and I had to admit, the socks were just an added bonus to the overall effect of the outfit Twilight giggled at my whistle and tried to walk over to me with her hips swaying, but it came off as a little goofy and very sexy. She stopped a handful of centimeters away from me and gave me a peck on the cheek. I brought her in for a hug and she threw her arms around my shoulders, which I thought was a greenlight for me to grab her arse with both hands. Her eyes shot open and she stood up a little straighter.

Twilight bit her lip and gave me a look. “I just put on a fresh pair!” But do they match the outfit? That’s the important part.

“Who says you need them in the first place?” I grinned devilishly, giving her a squeeze.

“I do! They even match the socks!” Fucking yes!

I stepped back and lifted her her skirt as she crossed her arms, her face a rosy red. “Well would you look at that. They really do match."

When I continued appraising her apparel, Twilight gently swatted my hand away. “I’ll let you have a better look later, okay? We still have to go to Canterlot sometime today.”

I shrugged and grabbed her hand. “Then let’s get on with it. The train station waits for no one.”

She gave me a look. “We’re teleporting there. I’m sure Celestia wouldn’t mind teleporting you back if you asked. I can get us there, but getting both of us back is something I haven’t tried in a little while.”

“Haven’t you teleported all of the girls from Canterlot back to Ponyville before?”

“Yes, about a year ago at the last Grand Galloping Gala. Like I said, it’s been awhile.”

I shrugged. “Then let me grab a jacket or something, just in case you get cold.”

Twilight cocked her head. “Why would you need a jacket if I get cold?”

“So I can give it to you, duh. I thought you were smart, cherry.” I gave her a lopsided smile.

She shook her head at me. “I love you, but you’re such a foal sometimes.”

I squeezed her hand, preferring not to mention her creepy pedophilia. I went and put my checkbook in my back pocket, grabbed the crap I’d taken off for my shower and told Twilight that I was ready when she was. Without further interruption, we appeared in Canterlot, just outside the castle gates. I started off toward the artisan section to find a jeweler and Twilight started asking questions that I didn’t really answer all that well, so she tried asking me different questions that were more specific and I kept giving her the verbal slip as we went from jeweler to jeweler until I saw some stuff that I thought she might like. Twilight didn’t strike me as a terribly gaudy gal, so when she started asking if I was looking for a ring for myself, I took the opportunity to take one of the clerks aside and asked if he could make me something special. I had found the perfect ring, but I wanted the stones to be sapphire and amethyst: our favorite colors.

While Twilight was looking around for a man ring she thought I might like, the clerk and I hashed out two variants with different cuts: One with purple agate that had a pink band in it paired with a blue topaz, or the original set up. I paid for both with some quick scribbles on a check and the guy told me that they could have them ready to go in about thirty minutes, so I let Twilight point out ring after ring until I saw one that I actually liked. I ended up trying to draw out the process for as long as possible until the clerk from earlier caught my attention. I left Twilight a little confused as I grabbed the rings and pocketed them before coming back to her to finish up with my own ring. She asked what I’d gone off to do and I told her that I’d spoken with the clerk earlier about having something custom made since I didn’t like the predominantly diamond displays.

Twilight bought it for the time being, so I took her to lunch at one of the establishments, though we'd left without actually buying me a ring. I slipped one of the waiters a ten bit tip to put the agate ring into a glass of white wine once we were finishing up with lunch. It had taken some planning in advance, but the fellow I’d payed off pulled through and Twilight spotted the ring as soon as the glass was brought onto the table. She mentioned it to the waiter, but he walked away before answering any questions, so Twilight was left to look at me. I was grinning my arse off, gesturing for her to magic the thing out of there already, and once she did, the ring was a little too big for her ring finger, so she put it on the middle finger of her right hand.

“Max, is this why you were so scatterbrained in the jewelry shop?” She asked, beaming brilliantly.

“It might have been. "

She tried to dim her smile down a little bit, but she failed miserably and settled for giving me a hug as we stood up. “Amour, you’re the sweetest thing when you want to be!”

I returned her hug. “I know. That’s why I’m such an arse all the time: To make moments like these even sweeter.”

She rolled her eyes and gave me a nice kiss for my efforts. “Still, thank you. I’m guessing this isn’t my engagement ring?”

I gave her a look. “Hell no. Your engagement ring is going to be way shinier. I told you I wasn’t going to spare any expense on you and that includes the rings. I just thought the agate looked nice since it matches your hair.”

Twilight curled a lock when I mentioned her hair. “You know it’s called a mane on Ponies, right?”

“You know I still say ‘everyone’ and ‘anybody’, right?” I quipped.

She just shook her head and grabbed my hands.”So where to next, my handsome little Human?”

“Well, I got you a ring and we ate lunch, so now we go see Celestia, I guess.”

Twilight’s face soured a little bit. “Okay, can we not do that and say we did?”

I shrugged. “It’s up to you. You’ve got to talk to her eventually, cherry.”

She sighed. “I know, amour, I know. It’s just… Why ruin such a great day when we could just wander around Canterlot and see some stuff? I heard the new curator at the Canterlot Museum of Art and History put out some new old artifacts from one of the couples around us.”

“If that’s how you want to spend the day, then I’ll be glad to look at old stuff with you. In fact, Why don’t we start with the show and tell while we’re walking?”

Twilight gave me and odd look, but she still stuck next to me when I started going. “What do you mean, ‘show and tell’?”

I whipped out the Warbling Blade and showed it to her. “This knife is from the ‘Reign of Discord’ or whatever. It’s supposed to be about-”

“Two thousand years old.” Twilight finished breathlessly. “Max, you can’t be serious. This thing belongs in a museum if that’s true!”

I crafted my most shit eating grin. “You wanna hold it?”

Twilight’s face lit up. “Can I really!?”

I flipped the blade so that the handle was toward her. “I wouldn’t have offered if I was going to say no.”

Twilight brushed a finger along the handle, but that was as far as she got. She cringed hard at the eerie silence and every Pony in the vicinity covered their ears and looked around. “What was that!?” Twilight cried.

I struggled to keep a straight face. “Freak accident. It should be good now.”

Twilight glared at me. “You knew that was going to happen!”

I bit my lips and sheathed the blade, though Twilight had the sense to wait until it was out of my hand to whack me. “Okay, so I might have known that little trick. The thing that makes it better is that you probably wouldn’t have done the same thing to me.”

“Of course I wouldn’t! That was awful!”

I let a chuckle escape and Twilight glared at me some more. “I love you.”

Twilight huffed and started walking away, leaving me to follow her. She didn’t walk all that fast, so I didn’t have to do much to catch up to her, but I still tried to get on her good side on the way to the museum. She ignored me until we were there, but the reason she stopped was because I licked her tongue a couple of times. Twilight was more flustered than mad after that, so I paid the entrance fee and we spent some time looking at boring history shit. Well, she looked at boring history shit; I looked at her. I had a nice time and an older couple even came by to compliment us on how cute our matching outfits were, though the old guy kinda just stood there and waited for his wife to stop talking so they could go play shuffleboard or something. I couldn’t blame him, and we ended up standing together while our respective ladies talked to each other.

“Do you even like museums, son?” He asked after a long silence.

“No, but I like her, so I deal with it.” I replied casually.

“Good stallion. Keeping her happy makes your life a lot easier.”

“It does, but you can’t keep ‘em happy all the time. You have to do something stupid every once in awhile so they think they’re your guiding light in the face of adversity.”

The old guy raised a brow at me. “She isn’t that for you?”

“Never said she wasn’t. I just said she had to think that she was. Little reminders don't hurt.”

“Smart too. She caught herself a good one.”

I scoffed. “I got the better end of the deal, trust me.”

“A lot of stallions say that, but few enough of them are engaged to Princess Celestia’s personal student.”

I levelled a calm eye at him. “And? I’m not with her because of who she knows.”

The old guy chuckled. “I like you, son. You got moxie.” I don’t know what that is, but okay.

I shrugged. “Keeps me alive more often than not. Except for the last time. Wanna hear about the time I went toe to toe with a dragon?”

He looked at me like I was crazy. “Why the buck would you do that? Too much moxie, son.”

“I’m an Operative. I have to have it in spades if I don’t want to die.”

“Really now? Okay, you’ve got my attention.”

So I talked to the old dude for a little bit and told him about some of my exploits, though I changed the Dragon story to fit something more believable, though it’s not like I cared whether or not a stranger found my tales to be more than amusing. The old guy found the Dragon story pretty funny since he was old and thought death was amusing since we were young or some shit like that. Old people suck sometimes.

Twilight and the old lady finished up with their conversation while I was telling the old dude about the time I helped Crimson out with his problem, so they listened in since I was just starting the story. I had a captive audience when I told them about the twelve hours inside of a secret compartment on a moving wagon, though the ladies were put off by the mention of the nose ending reek Crimson and I picked up on the way to Mexicolt.

I finished up the story on a happier note than it really ended on, though I’m pretty sure everyone already knew that it was bullshit. I wasn’t going to say that I still didn’t know if he was alive or not, so the ending stuck and I took Twilight out of the museum and bought her a bouquet from one of the fancier florists around town. She asked why I’d been spending money on her all day and I just shrugged, stating that I should’ve done it sooner in the first place. Twilight didn’t like my answer, but I didn’t have another one for her, so she had to be happy with the one she got.

Twilight actually did have enough juice to get us back home without having to take the train, and she told me that she had plenty to spare, so we could go anywhere else if I wanted. I asked if she knew of any beaches, but she didn’t, so we ended up going back to her place. Spike was already there and he had a handprint on his face, so I asked Twilight to get some tea started while I had a word with our little peeping tom.

I had him accompany me into the living room/library. “Fluttershy?” I asked in hushed tones.

He rubbed her face. “Applejack.”

I grit my teeth. “Ooh. You fucked up.”

“I don’t even know how she knew I was listening!” He hissed.

I shook my head. “Don’t worry about it. Did you already apologize?”

“Before and after I got slapped.” He grumbled.

I could hear Twilight coming in, so we straightened up to face her. She gave us both a look before asking, “What are you two being so secretive about? It’s not more of your stallion stuff, is it?”

I raised a brow at Spike. “Uh… Yeah?”

Twilight narrowed her eyes. “Oh really? What about?”

“Uh…” Spike looked at me for some assistance, so I looked between him and Twilight, shrugging. “...We were talking about good times to listen to girls.”

The lavender wizard blinked. “Oh. Is that why you have somepony’s handprint on your face?”

“Yeah.” He said easily. “I wasn’t careful with my listening.”

Twilight gave him a confused smile. “I don’t know why somepony would slap you for not listening, but I’m sure you learned your lesson.”

Spike tactfully left out the fact that Applejack slapped his shit for listening. “I sure did. I don’t think it’ll happen again.”

She shook her head and came over to hug him. “Good, though I think I’m going to have a talk with whoever slapped you. Even if you feel like you’re not being listened to, it’s wrong to put your hands on somepony.”

“You hit me all the time!” I objected, stepping in so Spike could delay facing the music.

Twilight blushed. “That’s different.” Right. And I’m fucking Rainbow on the side.

“It sure is.” I replied flatly. “Haven’t we already had the abuse talk with Fleur and Fancy?”

“Oh hush! I don’t abuse you!” Twilight huffed.

“You’ve hit me at least five times today.” I countered.

She pursed her lips and crossed her arms. She looked like she wanted to say something, but she cast a quick glance to Spike. “We’ll talk about this later.”

The kettle went off in the kitchen and Twilight went to go grab the tea. I hurried Spike upstairs and greeted Twilight with a lazy smile when she came back. “Hullo cherry. Spike would’ve said goodnight, but he was afraid that you were going to hit him.”

Twilight glared at me. “And who put that thought in his head?”

“Whoever slapped him, apparently. It must have been someone he trusted, otherwise I don’t think he’d be worried about it.”

She sighed. “I know it wasn’t Fluttershy, at least. She wouldn’t put her hands on a Manticore, let alone Spike.” She would if she could fuck him. Wait, that’s mean.

I nodded. “Fluttershy’s just too nice for all that. I’ll bet he was watching Rarity change or something.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Right. My little Spike is peeping on my friends. That’ll be the day.”

I was so tempted to laugh then and there, but I held it in and told Twilight that I was smiling because the mental image was funny. It really was, though imagining Spike get chewed out by Rainbow for watching her shower or something was too funny to keep to myself, so I shared the news with Twilight and she didn’t think it was all that funny at first. She eventually came around to the idea, however, and agreed that Spike peeking in on Pinkie or Rainbow would be equally hilarious, if nothing else than for their reactions. I was tempted to put it to the test, but I wouldn’t make Spike do something that stupid.

Twilight and I sipped our tea, but she spent most of the conversation looking at her ring with a little smile on her face. I asked her if she was really that fond of it, and she said that the gemstones fit her perfectly, though she didn’t like topaz for me. She said that I should go with an emerald and a tungsten band so that my engagement ring would match my eyes and I told her that dudes don’t get engagement rings. I saw a certain Twinkle in her eyes when I said that, so I assumed that I was getting one, whether I liked it or not.

Since Twilight had plenty of magic to spare and Spike was already prepared for the slumber, she popped upstairs and gave him a kiss goodnight before we teleported back to my place so Twilight could get her dirty clothes. I just sat back and watched as she looked around for them since she’d forgotten where she put them earlier. I knew exactly where they were, but I liked Twilight’s outfit and she didn’t ask me until she’d scoured the bathroom and my room. I reached under my bed and pulled them out of where she’d kicked them earlier and Twilight gave me the most adorable glare, so I booped her nose and waited for her to hit me.

The blow never came, but once Twilight had her stuff, she grabbed my hand and teleported us back into the library. I wasn’t asked so much as ordered to sit on the couch while she went to dispose of her clothes, and so I sat. Twilight came back down and sat on my lap, crossing her arms and pouting hard.

“What’s wrong, cherry? Should I have said something earlier?” I asked cheerfully.

“You’re just awful sometimes, you know that.” She puffed her cheeks out and twisted her ring around her finger.

I kissed her neck and her breath caught. “When I’m good, I’m very good…” I paused for effect and Twilight looked at me. “But when I’m bad, I’m better.”

Twilight gave me a promising look. “...Don’t I owe you for your… Attention, on your back porch?” Thank you Miss Moxxi!

I shrugged casually. “I wouldn’t ask anything of you that you don’t want to do.”

Twilight gave me a sly grin before giving me a great kiss. We sat there snogging for a good while, but eventually, Twilight wanted to taste my peppermint stick, so we headed into her room and before she loved me long time. I asked if we could take a picture to mark the day. Twilight happily agreed and we set the camera on a timer so we could get a decent picture. I was feeling more relaxed than I had been for awhile, though my chest was still a little itchy. She helped me keep my mind off of it by giving me the best of distractions, but by the time I reached a climax, Twilight was ready for some attention of her own. I doubted that Spike would be that much of a pervert, but I still locked the door and closed the shade before taking care of Twilight.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next morning, I woke up earlier than usual, but Spike stayed in bed longer than Twilight did for once. My lover was awake minutes after I was, but Spike didn’t come out of his room, even when our visitors came. Fluttershy and Applejack asked to have a word with him along with Twilight, which worried the Hell out of the purple Unicorn. When Twilight went to go collect Spike for their talk, he played being sick until Applejack stormed in there and carried him out over her shoulder. Spike just gave up halfway down the stairs and accepted his fate, but when Applejack set him on the couch, he suddenly seemed a lot less resigned to his fate.

“S-So... “ He laughed nervously. “It sure is a good morning, right?”

Twilight wasn’t amused. “Spike, why would you say you’re sick if you’re not? Is there something you’re not telling me?”

“Oh, our little eavesdropper hasn’t told you?” Applejack asked facetiously.

I tried to catch Spike’s eye, and when I did, I gave him a solemn nod. “A-Actually Applejack, why d-d-don’t I t-tell her?” He offered meekly, his voice rising in pitch as he went along.

The cowgirl cut him a dark glare. “I think you had your chance last night, bud.”

“Applejack, cut the kid a break.” I requested. “No harm done, no one saw anything, and you already got him for doing it.”

Fluttershy piped up. “F-For what it’s worth, Max is right. Y-You hurt him m-more than he hurt us.”

Applejack set her jaw. “I ain’t budgin’. Twilight, your little brother decided that it would be a good idea to listen in on me and Fluttershy.”

Twilight looked at her blankly. “What’s so bad about that? Pinkie eavesdrops all the time and you don’t slap her.” No shit. That’s really unfair and kinda sexist.

“Damn straight.” I said harshly. “If you’re not going to reprimand an adult for doing the same damn thing, then you don’t have a leg to stand on, Applejack.”

“Like I said, I ain’t budgin’ on this!” She said stubbornly.

I rolled my eyes. “Applejack, look me in the eyes and tell me that.”

Applejack stepped out of the semicircle and faced me. “I. Ain’t. Budg-”

I rushed forward to catch her before she could hit the floor and dragged her onto the couch, laying her next to Spike. Twilight stomped her foot. “Max! What did I tell you about knocking out friends!?”

I shrugged. “She wasn’t being friendly toward my brother. I could have punched her for being a twat.”

“I might not be happy with her, but you need to stop doing that.” Twilight said severely.

I nodded. “I’ll stop knocking out friends. Spike, say your peace.”

Spike looked at the three adults in the room and took a deep breath. His eyes focused on Twilight and he started to spill his side of the story. “Alright. So I was in Fluttershy’s bathroom, hiding from the Cutie Mark Crusaders and waiting for Fluttershy to come and get me. I don’t know how long I was in there, but I heard Applejack and Fluttershy coming up the stairs, so I thought Apple Bloom was probably nearby, so I stayed in there for awhile. I got bored and came out when I started hearing some noises, so I followed the noises and it lead me to Fluttershy’s room.” He blushed brightly.

Fluttershy’s eyes were glued to the floor and Twilight was looking between the three of us. “Alright, that can’t be the end of the story. What happened after that?”

Spike cleared his throat. “Well, I listened to the noises longer than I should have, and the next thing I know, Applejack’s at the door and she slapped me.”

“You shouldn’t have been listening at all…” Fluttershy admonished softly.

“I know, but I was curious!” Spike protested.

Understanding dawned on Twilight’s face and she lit up. “Fluttershy… Are you telling me you did that with Spike in the house?”

The yellow mare clasped her hands together and ground the tip of her hoof into the floor. “I-I… I forgot he was there…”

Twilight covered her face with her hands and counted to ten. “Okay. I see why Applejack slapped you now, but she still shouldn’t have done that. Spike, you’re grounded until further notice, and Fluttershy?” Fluttershy looked at Twilight’s shoes. “Don’t do that with my brother in the house, please?”

“In Spike’s defense, most boys around his age start picking up an interest in things like that. It’s only natural for him to be interested.” I said neutrally.

“M-Max is right… I had colts interested in me when I was around Spike’s age.” She said, looking up at Twilight.

“That doesn’t make it okay.” Twilight said firmly.

“That’s not what we’re saying, cherry.” I said softly. “Just trying to help you understand the motive behind it.”

Twilight sighed and nodded, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I get it, I just don’t approve. Spike, I don’t need to lecture you on why it was wrong, right?”

“N-No… Applejack made it pretty clear.” Spike said.

“And believe me, Applejack isn’t getting away with putting her hands on you. “ Twilight said, steel entering her voice. I raised a brow and she turned to look at me. “Don’t tell me you of all people have a problem with that.”

I raised the other brow and pursed my lips. “I’m just proud that you’re so protective of Spike. You know I’ll back you up, no matter what.”

Twilight patted my arm. “Spike, room. Max, please wake Applejack up.”

Spike sped off into his room to avoid Applejack some more and I walked over and tapped her forehead before coming back to Twilight’s side. Applejack roused from her slumber, holding a hand to her head. “What in tarnation just happened?”

I cleared my throat and she looked at me. “You were being unnecessarily prickish, so I made you take five while we handled Spike.”

Applejack stood and started to march over to me, but Twilight forced her back down with magic. “Twilight, what the hay!? Are you just gonna let him get away with knockin’ ponies out willy nilly!?”

Twilight stared Applejack down. “Unlike somepony, Max hasn’t put his hands on anypony, so I’ll talk to him later. We have a problem.” Oh shit, I’m glad I’m not AJ.

Applejack looked confused. “What do ya mean, Twi?”

Twilight strode forward and leaned down to look Applejack in the eyes. “The problem is that you hit my brother. I don’t give single buck about what he did, he is still a colt, and I swear to Celestia, if I ever hear that you laid another bucking hand on him, I will cut them off.” Oh. Oh shit.

Fluttershy sidled closer to me and I laid hand on her back. Applejack just sat there and stared at Twilight like she’d turned into Nightmare Moon right in front of her. “S-Sugarcube, I-”

Twilight wasn’t having it. “No. Are we clear?”

Applejack swallowed hard and nodded.

“I don’t speak nod.” Twilight spat venomously.

“We’re clear, Twilight. I hear you.” Applejack said shakily.

“Good. Now get out of my house.” Twilight backed off and Applejack rose, still staring at her.

I could see fear and sadness in her body language, and I didn’t doubt for a second that Twilight would follow through on her threats if Applejack didn’t get gone real soon. Fluttershy followed the child abuser out the door and Twilight waited until they were out the door to start crying, but I was already holding her since I’d been expecting it. I murmured promises that things would be okay and let her work her frustration out on my shirt, though it wasn’t like I minded at all. Being there for Twilight through thick and thin was exactly what I was trying to sign up for, and moments like these were bound to come. It’s a little fucked up that I was happy about Twilight being upset, but it was solely because she chose me as her source of comfort, so I didn’t feel like a complete piece of shit.

I wasn’t paying attention to how long Twilight cried because I didn't care enough to look at a clock or try to measure the time myself, so I have no clue how long I stood with Twilight’s face buried in my chest. It did strike me that I’d forgotten to go hunting the previous night, but that was completely unrelated to what was going on, so I continued holding Twilight until she pushed me away.

“I-I don’t wanna y-yell at you too.” She hiccupped through her tears.

“You don’t have to. I can yell at myself just fine.” I said cheesily.

Twilight cleared her eyes and tried to give me a look, but her lips were trembling too hard for it to stick. “Are y-you really gonna do it?”

“That would make me look ridiculous. So maybe, if it cheers you up.”

Twilight laughed a little bit and rubbed her eye. “Why d-does it feel like I n-never have to yell at you?”

“Because you do it so often you can't tell the difference between that and a normal conversation already. I haven’t even proposed and you’re acting like we’ve been married fifty years.” I gave her a muted smirk.

She weakly swatted my chest before walking over to the couch and plopping herself down. I joined her as she sat with her chin in her hands, looking rather like she’d rather be anywhere else right now. “Yesterday was so good! Why did today have to turn out so bad?”

I rubbed her back. “Because we’re not allowed to have nice things.”

Twilight shook her head. “I feel like I should be yelling at you for helping Spike lie to me.”

“He didn’t lie. He said he got slapped for not knowing when to listen and it was true. Spike didn’t tell you the whole story, but he didn’t lie to you Twilight.”

She gave me a tired look. “Is that your definition of telling the truth?”

“When it involves people that aren’t you, yeah kinda.”

Twilight buried her face in her hands. “I want to be mad at you, but you’re the one who got Spike to tell me himself. It doesn’t matter since he had to be cornered to tell the whole story, but you still made him face his punishment like a young stallion.” If I made him face it, then he wasn’t really acting like a real man.

“I didn’t make him own up, I gave him the opportunity to do it himself.” Twilight’s shoulders sagged and she looked disappointed. “Don’t look at me like that yet. I agree: He should have been upfront with you about it. When he had trouble answering you last night, I was giving him the chance to tell you the truth, and believe me, I plan on telling him off for not owning up then and there. I’m just saying-”

“You just said that you gave him a chance and he blew it.” Twilight said softly.

I let out the rest of that breath. “You’re right.” I laced my fingers together and leaned forward.

After a few minutes of Twilight choking back more tears, she asked, “What do I do, Max? I’ve never had to punish Spike. I’ve never really had to parent him. How am I supposed to do this alone?”

I took her hand and held it to my lips. “You’re not alone, cherry. I’m with you from start to finish, and don’t you forget that. I might not be the best parent myself, but I’m that between the two of us, we can manage to do the right thing.”

Twilight laid her head on my shoulder, so I lowered her hand. “I appreciate that and love you for it, but that doesn’t tell me what we should do.”

“We start by taking his comics from him. He loves them like they’re his own children, so I say we keep them at my place for a little while until he’s ungrounded.”

“Alright.” Twilight wiped her eyes. “How long do we keep them?”

I thought about it. “I think two weeks sounds fair. My dad used to use two weeks as a baseline whenever I got into trouble. I’d say one week since Spike’s a better kid than I was, but he screwed up his chance to come forth himself with the information, so I’d say a one week penalty for trying to get away with it is good.”

“Okay, that sounds reasonable. What should your punishment be?”

“I’m your future husband. Punishing me is ridiculous.”

“You had plenty of chances to tell me about Spike eavesdropping since you knew within minutes of us coming home. You’re guilty too.” She said, lifting her head from my shoulder

“If he didn’t tell you, then I wasn’t going to spring it on you out of nowhere. I was hoping that he would tell you himself in the morning after being eaten up by guilt, but I guess I just gave him too many chances.” I looked at Twilight while she finished up fixing her face.

She gave me a sad look and twisted her ring. “Don’t deflect back onto Spike. It makes you seem like a foal.”

I was tempted to tell her that I was laying the facts out, but now didn’t seem like the time to antagonize her. “I’d be insulted that you’d even think that, but you’re having one Hell of a day. If you want to punish me, you’re going to have to stay away from me, but that would defeat the purpose of me promising to have your back on this.”

Twilight sighed. “I don’t really want to do it anyway. No favors for the rest of the week.”

“Are kisses still fair game?” I asked, honestly worried.

She gave me a little smile. “I’m punishing you, not myself.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. “I thought you might be going crazy for a second. Glad to know you’re still kinda sane.”

Twilight patted my knee and went off to the kitchen. I figured she needed some time alone, so I leaned back and closed my eyes, thinking of how shitfully the day was starting. I felt Twilight plop down next to me again, so I opened my eyes and saw that she was levitating a cup of tea at me.. I took it from her magic and we sipped in silence for awhile. I didn’t really want to fuck anything up, but my curiosity got the better of me.

“So what made you threaten to cut Applejack’s hands off?” I asked casually.

Twilight set her tea on its saucer and stared out into the ether. “It wasn’t a threat. Applejack keeps hurting too many ponies for me to threaten anymore.”

“So it was a promise.” I said softly. Twilight nodded. “I hope you don’t have to fulfill it.”

“So do I. You know, I thought of what you might tell Applejack to get your point across when I said that.” Twilight replied.

“I don’t have to tell you that it’s not the way you should handle things. I do it because I’m not a good person. You are a good person, Twilight.”

“So what?” She looked at me. “I’m supposed to let ponies hurt Spike because I’m too nice?”

I took put my finger under her chin. “No. You’re supposed to let me handle people that hurt Spike. “

“It’s too personal, amour-”

“When I spilled my soul to you, I offered myself to you, Twilight. I gave up being a separate person to become one with you. What’s personal to you is personal to me.”

Her eyes hardened. “But when it’s your problem, it’s yours to handle?”

“...I already gave my burdens to you. Name one thing that I’ve kept from you, Twilight Sparkle.” I said firmly.

“What’s really happening with your Dark Magic?” She challenged.

I gave her a look. “You already know it’s eating away at me.”

“So your eye is Dark Magic?” Twilight asked.

“It is. I also told you that.”

“But there’s something you’re not telling me.” Twilight put her tea down and put one hand over the other.

“If you mean the fact that if I keep dying, Dark Magic will eventually turn me into something I don’t want to be, then there. I said it. I thought you connected the dots already.”

Twilight shook her head before burying her face in her hands. “I can’t believe this.”

“It won’t be a problem if I stop doing dumb shit. Noir already told me to stop being a fucking pillock so I can keep watching over you and Spike” I said.

“No, I can’t believe that it’s physically eating away at you!” Twilight shouted.

I made a noise of disgust. “It’s not. It literally changed the pigmentation of one eye. Noir’s still protecting me from the actual harmful stuff. How many times do I have to tell you that I will never lie to you?"

Twilight calmed down a bit. “You swear you’ll tell me if the Dark Magic starts hurting you?”

I leaned forward and kissed her cheek. “I swear I’ll tell you, cherry. Again, I have no secrets from you.”

Twilight let out a breath and laid down. “I just want this day to end already.”

There was a knock at the door and Twilight groaned. I patted her shoulder so she would let me up to answer the door, and it was none other than the Cutie Mark Crusaders. I gently told them that Spike was in some deep trouble for the next two weeks and that they weren’t allowed to visit him until that time was up. I got a collective groan and some mutterings about how adults were always being super unfair, but I didn’t think it was terribly worth my time to explain that kids were always doing dumb shit to get grounded.

I returned to Twilight and filled her in on what I’d told the girls, though she wasn’t sure that I should be banning Spike from seeing his friends. I asked if her brother had ever been grounded and she told me that he’d always been a straight edge kind of guy, and she’d never really done much other than study, so they were bad examples of bad kids. The only real experience we had with punishments were from my world, and I thought we were letting Spike off pretty easily since I’d been beaten by my mother for less on multiple occasions. I suppose it’s a matter of perspective.

Once Twilight got her bearings, we went to talk to Spike in his room, explaining his punishment and why it was being given to him. We left out the part where we barely knew what we were doing and told him that Applejack had been dealt with for slapping him, so at the very least he had that. Spike gave up all of his comic books willingly, but he didn’t seem that upset about not being able to see his trio of girls in the next two weeks. I was willing to bet that his feelings would change with a little bit of time, however, so with the rules of the punishment in place, we went about reorganizing the Bridleland trip so we could still take it with Spike. At least, we would have if it we could get ahold of any of the girls. Pinkie wouldn’t stop by, Rainbow was AWOL, Rarity had heard about what had happened earlier from Fluttershy, and the buttery mare herself was too scared to face Twilight. Applejack wasn’t really welcome at the moment, so we were pretty much the only two slated to go at the moment.

It sucked something fierce, but the rest of the day passed without incident. Twilight didn’t feel like doing anything other than some mild cuddling, so I stroked her ears for hours on end until night fell. Twilight went to bed without saying much and she told me that I could go home if I wanted to. Some people might have been stupid enough to leave, but I told her that I would be with her until she didn’t want me anymore. That put a small smile on her face, so I considered it a victory for the day and joined her in bed after a quick visit with Noir.

During the visit, Noir told me that I’d handled the Spike situation pretty well, though she agreed with Twilight that I should have ratted Spike out from the moment he tried pulling a me. We both knew that I understood why I should have done it, but that I’d wanted him to man up and I thought that giving him the chance would be a good time for him to show his worth. We argued a bit about how I’d handled the argument with Twilight, but Noir’s main point was that I should’ve been supportive throughout instead of making that one noise that I barely even remembered. I asked her about the last time she’d had someone call her a liar to her face and she gave in to my point.

I didn’t do anything with Noir that I wouldn’t have done with Twilight since I was on ‘punishment’, but even if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t have initiated anything. My libido had taken a hit with Twilight’s mood, so I wasn’t up for much beyond some sparring and some archery practice. Noir mentioned the mind numbing effects of video games and their therapeutic qualities, but I wanted the clarity that came with working with my hands instead of the haze that came with playing things until my eyes hurt. Noir praised me for finding a healthier way to work out some of my frustrations than dumbing myself down and I told her that I was finally starting to learn.

We parted ways after a few hours and I joined Twilight in bed. She was still awake when I got in, so I slid into bed next to her and hummed an old lullaby that I barely remembered the words to. Once her breathing evened out, signalling that she was out cold, I allowed myself to drift off right behind her.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Twilight woke up before me, but I was only a couple minutes behind her, according to her own accounts. When I opened my eyes, the first thing I wanted to do was kiss her and the second thing I wanted to do was go punch Spike for starting all of this nonsense. She looked better than she had the day before, but it was painfully obvious to me that Twilight just wanted to stay in bed all day and forget about what had happened. I broke our usual rule of no kisses before coffee to put a smile on her face.

“What happened to the rule?” Twilight asked quietly.

“Anything to see you with a smile.” I replied, still half asleep.

Twilight went to grab my hand under the blanket and missed terribly, waking us both up the rest of the way. I knew better than to ask her to give it a tug or two, so I kept my mouth shut and told her that her apologies weren’t needed. I got up and checked outside; it was still dark. I was willing to bet that Spike wasn’t up yet, so I offered to make breakfast and Twilight reminded me that I could probably stand to clean up before doing anything for the day. I felt some stubble on my face and agreed with her, but as I grabbed the Warbling Blade to go shave, Twilight pulled me back into bed and closed her eyes, teleporting us into my bed.

I sat up on my bed and gave her an odd look. “What’s up with the teleportation so early in the morning?”

“You need to grab more clothes and I know you like shaving in your bathroom better than mine.” Twilight explained. She crawled under my covers and got comfortable.

I rolled my eyes. “My dearest beloved, my sweetest cherry, await my return and I’ll give you my pitch black love so we may join lips in bliss as is our custom.”

Twilight teleported a handkerchief into her hand. “Be brave, my fair warrior, and return to me with something dark, hot and sweet.”

“I could give you a taste of my personality on a spectrum.” I replied blandly, going through my crap to find an adequate outfit for the day.

“So what color are you thinking of wearing today?” Twilight asked.

“I was thinking of going with something that matches my eyes, so a green shirt and that charcoal grey windbreaker. Did you have something else in mind?”

Twilight made a face. “Green isn’t my color and grey only looks good on you and Rarity.”

“Well, most of my wardrobe is blue in different shades, so pick something out for me.” I suggested.

She pouted adorably. “I don’t wanna get out of bed yet.”

“Pick a shade you like and I probably have it.”

“Do you have anything purple?”

“Not for Max, but I do for Roxy. No, I don’t want to be Roxy.” I said quickly.

Twilight rolled onto her back. “But I’m taller than you when you’re Roxy!”

I sighed. “If you take me off of punishment, I’ll give you two days as Roxy with as many matching outfits as we can squeeze into the day.”

Twilight rolled back over and looked at me. “That’s pretty tempting…”

“What else do you want on top of it?”

“Can we wear matching skirts? I’m sure you have something in purple.”

“I have some some knee length stuff that’s not too bad, but the miniskirts I have are more for me than for anyone else.”

“Have I ever mentioned how strange it is that you find your female form attractive?” Twilight asked.

I shrugged. “A couple times. If it makes any more sense to you, it’s probably because you and Roxy have similar figures, so it’s kind of like cheating for me.”

“Is that why you don’t want to be Roxy?”

“No, I don’t want to be Roxy because Noir let me know that I was partially using her as a crutch because I hate myself. She said that it wasn’t at an unhealthy level so I should be fine, but I just don’t like the idea of not facing my problems since I’ve been with you.”

Twilight folded the pillow she was laying on to get a better look at me. “I wondered why you’ve been so quick to change back recently. I trust Noir’s judgement, though.”

I nodded. “So do I. That’s why I offered in the first place.”

Twilight smiled and her horn lit up. Thankfully, I had time to grab my sleeping trousers before they could fall, and my shirt was loose enough that it didn’t hurt my chest. Still, I sighed and walked over to the other side of the room and picked out a purple skirt, some black lacy knickers, and a black V-Neck to finish the job. I ran the outfit by Twilight and she had something similar enough, so I grabbed a shower and returned to bed so Twilight could help me brush and braid my ridiculously long hair. As Roxy, I’d pretty much just let it grow out and occasionally had someone clip dead ends for me whenever they popped up, so it was down the length of my back at this point.

Once I was done with my morning routine, I went downstairs and made the coffee I’d promised, though I made Twilight get out of my bed after the first couple of sips since coffee still stains navy blue. We made it through a mug and Twilight took us back to the Treebrary once we got our typical morning kiss out of the way. I was happy that I’d remembered to get a skirt with belt loops so I could take the Warbling Blade with me, but it wasn’t like it had to be my first line of defense.

I made breakfast while Twilight took her time in the loo and Spike showed up before Twilight could get out of the bathroom. He asked if was really going to be stuck in the house for the next two weeks and I told him that it would be up to whoever wanted to watch him. Spike was understandably dejected by this, but I reminded him that he’d done something I’d warned him against anyway, so he really had no grounds to make an argument on his behalf, though he did say that getting slapped by Applejack was a punishment all in itself. I agreed, but then again, I probably would have slapped him if I’d caught him actually peeping on me, Twilight’s promises be damned. Shit was incredibly disrespectful.

When Twilight came downstairs, she found it awfully difficult to make eye contact with Spike, so I took her aside and explained that he was still the same little brother that she’d always known and loved, but he’d just made a mistake. Twilight eased up after that, but she still didn’t know how exactly to handle Spike and looked to me for advice when Spike asked if he could leave the house with supervision. I said that we would chaperone him to wherever he wanted to go, but all he wanted to do was get out of the house for a little bit, so we agreed to take a few laps around Ponyville. I knew from experience that it was bad enough to be cut off from friends, but to be locked up inside was a whole different matter.

Once we finished up with breakfast, we took our walk, though Spike was happy enough when we came back home. He spent the rest of the day browsing through the Treebrary’s books, but as an added punishment, Twilight told him that he could go hang out with some of his friends if he wrote a book report for her. One visit for one report, but it actually had to be good, so I thought it was a pretty fair deal. I mentioned that we shouldn’t change up the terms of Spike’s grounding too often, so Twilight said that we would handle it as the problems came.

The rest of my day was spent trying to keep myself covered, but Twilight wanted to appreciate my outfit for most of the day. She told me multiple times that I was super cute, but I maintained that Twilight was infinitely cuter, much to Spike’s chagrin. He said that it was like a different form of punishment that he would never get away from.

Other than that, Spike’s two weeks passed pretty quickly. Applejack came over the day the first week was done with and hashed things out with Twilight, apologizing for putting her hands on him. Twilight didn’t apologize for promising to cut Applejack’s hands off, but everyone knew that Applejack would have done the same for either of her siblings, so that was left to lie where it was.

After Applejack and Twilight cleared the air, the girls started coming back over. I had to put Rarity in check during her first visit because she was going overboard with warning Spike against peeping on her. I made sure it was known that Spike understood where he went wrong and that she was just beating a dead horse at this point, so Rarity got the idea and backed off, though I’d had to remind her of the same thing I had told Twilight.

On the last day of Spike’s punishment, he handed in seven book reports that were all pretty decent, so when the Cutie Mark Midgets came by to collect him for a day of fun and whatnot, Twilight and I gave him our blessing to enjoy himself. I rather thought he’d earned it since he’d been quite the trooper during his entire punishment, even going so far as to approach Applejack and Fluttershy himself when they came over so he could apologize for his rudeness. All was forgiven and shit went back to normal, but that wasn’t really the important part to me.

Twilight and I had successfully done some parenting, and we were plenty proud of ourselves for not going overboard or being terribly lenient, though it wasn’t like Spike had given us many if any problems. Still, we’d bonded over the experience and now Twilight would stay in the same room as me to change clothes, though she still turned a bright red whenever she caught me looking.

We postponed our Bridleland trip until the end of spring since the girls collectively agreed that we would need more time to prepare due to the rough patch we'd just gone through. Unfortunately, postponing the trip meant that when I got a letter from Celestia, I had no reason to avoid doing the task she was asking of me.

Twilight and Spike were visiting with me at my place when I got the letter, though both of them were nose deep in a book. I cracked the seal and read through the note, feeling my heart drop when I got through the majority of it. Celestia was calling in the favor I owed her from way back when she’d given me my first house. I couldn’t deny it to her since I’d promised to repay her, but the subject of the letter was what worried me. Celestia wanted me to track down a rogue Operative and put them down for good before they could leave the country and sell Equestrian secrets to the highest bidder. There was no room for deliberation in her letter, and she’d mentioned three times that I had to kill the agent, no matter what, even if I managed to take them alive. It was my sole duty to exterminate the fellow and bring back his ears so that Celestia could confirm the death. Normally, I would have been reluctant to take someone down just because I was told to, but when I sent back a letter asking why I had to perform the task in the first place, Celestia said it was because there just wasn’t any other option. The Operative was simply too dangerous to let live.

I had to prepare immediately, and once I accepted the fact that I didn’t have a choice in the matter, Celestia sent me a magic map that told me where my mark was. After paying close attention to it, I noticed that the target seemed to be heading in my general direction, so I asked Celestia if she was springing this on me because she knew he would come to me for help. She simply sent back an apology and I told Twilight and Spike to go home. Twilight had questions, but I told her that I’d explain later and grabbed Nacht off of my mantle. She got the hint after that.

With a heavy heart, I stared at the name on the map for hours until it stopped moving in a nearby town, which I assumed meant that he’d bedded down for the night. I tried to do the same, but every time I tried to go to bed, I was drawn back into my living room to stare at the map for just fifteen more minutes. I willed the name to change. I prayed that there was just something wrong with the map.. I hoped that Celestia would see reason before the mark arrived and just take him into custody.

No matter what I tried, Crimson’s name was still on the map. It was still his name in Celestia’s letters, and he was still a wanted man in Equestria.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I stayed up for the two days it took for Crimson to arrive in Ponyville, though I meditated and took breaks from staring at the map to talk to Noir and Twilight whenever the opportunity arose. Noir said that I had to fulfill my duty as an Agent of the Crown, and reasoned that Luna would have told me if one of her own Operatives was after my life. I wasn’t even worried about that, but she’d been trying to get my mind off of the fact that I was slated to kill someone who’d never caused me harm. Twilight asked that I at least let her cast a truth spell on him so that we could know for sure whether or not he was really a traitor, and that was something that I adored her for, so I agreed.

Twilight worried about me since I hadn't slept in some time, but I assured her that I could go for at least a week as long as I kept my meditation up, so she relented and kept me company when Crimson hit town. I watched as the map suddenly zoomed in and showed hundreds of little dots milling about. Crimson had just arrived via the train station and was now heading in my direction, so I waited until he was at the halfway point between my house and town to tell Twilight to hide. She straight up ignored me and declared that we would face him together, but I reminded her that Crimson already didn’t like her.

I got an eye roll and a womanly look for that. I think Twilight was upset that I’d thought she would balk at the mention of someone disliking her, but when I explained that a rogue Operative could be unpredictable, she stood firm and essentially told me to protect her if I thought she was really in any danger.

When Crimson’s knock came, I rose to meet him at the door and slipped on a facade. Upon greeting him at the door, I invited him in, though he froze when he spotted Twilight on the couch. “Oh. Hello there.”

Twilight waved shyly. “Hi. I’m Twilight, Max’s special somepony.”

He waved back. “Crimson Tide, one of Max’s Operative buddies.”

I patted him on the back. “Have a seat, mate. I just got some tea ready.”

“If it’s all the same to you, I can’t stay long.” He said quickly.

“You come all this way to visit, and you don’t even take your time? You’re not in trouble, are you?” I asked casually

He sighed. “We rarely meet when there isn't trouble. I’ll explain everything, but it’s best said in private. Operative business and all that.”

I shrugged. “Like the woman said, she’s my special someone. She’s going to ask what we talked about later, and I’m not going to lie to her, so we may as well just talk it out between the three of us.”

Crimson didn’t look too happy about that. “It’ll be a conflict of interest for her.”

I raised a brow. “If you’re talking about her relationship with Celestia, it’s kind of in shambles. Celestia pulled some serious shit with me, so we’re not exactly best friends at the moment.” Half lie, half truth. Nice blend right there.

Crimson looked between Twilight and myself. “...I trust you enough to take your word for it. I’ll go ahead and get comfy.”

I nodded and grabbed the tea, pouring everyone a cup before sitting next to Twilight. “So, Crimson.”

He took a deep breath. “Max, what I’m about to tell you is going to be hard to hear, but I think you of all people need to know.”

“Celestia and Luna are gracious, utopian tyrants that crush individual liberty so that they can make the perfect society?” I said flatly.

Crimson stared at me. “...You knew?”

I scoffed. “Mate, I’ve known from the first moment I met them that they were borderline evil. When you look at Equestria compared to a lot of other countries, it’s fucking obvious that dark shit is going on in the background that no one ever let's the average citizen see, and I thought you were aware of that.”

Crimson face slowly contorted into fury. “You knew and you didn’t tell me?”

“You’re an Operative, mate. I seriously thought you knew and agreed with their methods.”

Twilight coughed before Crimson could speak. “Max, what are you guys talking about?”

“The inner workings of your home land.” I summarized.

“I can’t believe you’re just okay with this! I mean, how can you just sit by and let ponies take freedom like it's their right to decide what ponies do!?” Crimson shouted, rising from his seat.

“Because I’ve seen the alternative. I don’t know what Ponies would be like in general, but I know that Humans are naturally selfish, hateful beings. Look at children for example: Selfish arseholes by nature.” I shrugged. “I like Equestria, even if it is a sham of a nation. There are worse things for it than having Celestia and Luna in charge.”

Crimson’s chest heaved as he stared at me like I’d grown antlers. “You’re just okay with two ponies deciding your life for you?”

I raised a brow. “You must not know me that well, The reason Celestia and I are at odds is because she interfered with my life. What’s stopping you from just leaving Equestria so that she doesn’t do the same to yours?”

His breathing calmed. “It’s not just an individual basis, Max. We’re talking an entire country's citizens who are being controlled by Celestia.”

“Beyond the Elements of Harmony and encouraging pleasant behavior, what has Celestia done to control the populace?”

“She gets rid of anypony who doesn’t agree with her!” Crimson argued.

“Every leader does that, dumbass.” I said coldly. “How the fuck do you think they stay in power? It’s not because they’re good at conversation.”

He just looked at me. “...What kind of monster are you?”

I tsked. “One with a good mind for the bigger picture. I thought you might be the same.”

He shook his head in disgust. “I really thought better of you, but now you’re telling me that you support a totalitarian regime because it’s convenient for you.”

“I support Celestia because she’s doing a good job of keeping her people happy. There’s little to no crime in Equestria, and what little there is rarely tends to be malicious. When shit is malicious, she takes care of it. You act like Celestia is straight evil, but she’s really not. She does what she does for the good of the populace, and frankly, your idiocy and narrow thinking is going to get you killed.”

“If that’s what you really think, I’m sorry I even came. Have fun with your eternal infernal monarch, Max.” Crimson turned to leave, but I caught him with my tentacle.

“So what now, Crimson? What’s your next move?” I asked softly.

“Make Twilight let go of me.” He said in a low tone.

The Unicorn in question looked confused and turned to me. “Twilight’s not the one holding you. Her horn’s not even lit.”

He gave me an odd look. “Horns don’t glow.”

“They do when a Unicorn is about to or is using magic. Do you honestly not see that?” He shook his head slowly. “Huh. My question still stands.”

“...We’re on opposite sides here, Max. It’s best you don’t know.”

I let him go. “I’m sorry to hear that, friend.”

He gave me a sad look. “We can’t be friends after this. You may as well be my Nightmare Moon.”

I stood up and stood in front of Twilight, blocking her view. “No. Nightmare Moon could never finish the job.”

He gave me an odd look, but realization dawn on his face after a moment. “Celestia told you to kill me.”

“I figured I owed it to you to hear your side. I don’t think you should have to die for disagreeing with your leader, but you’re not giving me a choice.”

“...If you strike me down, I’ll come back stronger than you could ever fathom.”

I groaned. “Shut up and run away already. If I wanted to kill you, I wouldn’t have bothered giving you good tea.”

“You know Celestia is going to track me down anyways. If she asked you, then I know she has at least three failsafes in place.” He stated.

“So what, you’d rather die by my hand?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Fight me one on one. I’d rather die fighting a friend than getting stabbed in the back by a stranger.”

“Mate, that’s incredibly fucked up.”

Twilight grabbed both of us with magic. “Nopony is killing anypony. I think we need to talk to Celestia and sort this out.”

I saw Crimson’s horn light up and Twilight’s magic faltered for a second, dropping both of us. He took something small and spherical from one of his pockets, throwing at her head. I heard it bounce off in the grossest way and Twilight fell back onto the couch. Crimson looked me in the eye, so I gave him a Black Eye and he fell like a sack of potatoes. I may have decked him a couple of times for hurting Twilight, but that’s not the important part.

I wrote Celestia a quick note, telling her that I couldn’t bring myself to kill someone I still considered a friend and she showed up seconds later. “Maximus.”

“Celestia.” I replied.

“I gave you a simple task.” She said softly.

“You asked me to kill a friend.”

“I asked you to take down a traitor.”

I shook my head. “You asked too much. If I didn’t know him personally, it wouldn’t have mattered, but you know Crimson and I have a history.”

She sighed and rubbed her temples. “I know, it’s just that Crimson is one of our best Operatives. There are no guarantees that anyone else would have even been able to talk to him in the first place.”

“Then why not have Luna clean up in house? He was under her jurisdiction.”

“Luna had the same problem you do, but she actually agrees with him. Luna wants things to go back to how they were a thousand years ago, but it just… There was too much bloodshed back then, Max, and I can’t let Crimson make a push to ruin all of my progress.”

“Then put him down yourself.” I said, my tone frigid. “I’ll still owe you that favor, but know that unless someone turns truly evil, I’m not killing one of my friends.”

Celestia raised a hand and I heard a little ‘pop’. She waved the same hand and Crimson body disappeared. “Then it’s done.”

I shook my head and went to sit next to Twilight. I touched the dark blue blotch that was quickly forming on her forehead and she flinched a bit, but didn’t wake up. “That’s going to smart when she comes back.”

The Solar Monarch sighed. “It will unless you let me heal it.”

I pursed my lips. “How badly is your day going?”

She shrugged. “I’ve taken a pea off of my plate, so things are looking up. Then again, I just got chastised by one of my very limited number of friends for asking him to do something unreasonable, so you tell me.”

“Sounds like it’s a toss up so far. If you make Twilight wake up so you two can have the talk she’s been putting off, I’ll go down on once you whenever you ask.”

Celestia raised a brow. “You mean I get to have an incredibly awkward, extremely emotional talk and get my private parts licked by my hairless ape ex boyfriend in the same day? Oh happy day.”

“One of those is supposed to be a prize for getting the other over and done with.”

Celestia cast a furtive glance at Twilight. “I’ll tell you what; model for me as Roxy and I’ll wait around until Twilight wakes up.” I raised a brow. “Then I’ll heal her.”

I shrugged and agreed since it was a reasonable enough request. Celestia cracked a smile and we went upstairs to my room where I allowed her to pick out ten different outfits for me to wear and let her take pictures from whatever angle she wanted. I felt like a bit of a slut, but if it meant that she and Twilight could finally have that word without me literally forcing them to have it, then I considered it worth it. That, and Celestia made copies of the pictures she took and we may or may not have done some scrapbooking. When we each had a copy, I hid mine and Celestia sent hers back to Canterlot so we could go downstairs and wake Twilight up.

Celestia put a hand on Twilight’s head and my lover’s eyes fluttered open and she sat up, wincing at the pain in her head. “Oh dear Celestia, did anypony get the name of that Bull?”

“I heard it was Bill.” I commented.

Twilight shut her eyes tight and moaned. “What happened?”

“Crimson thought you sounded like you were crazy, so he knocked you out.” I explained.

“Is that an Operative thing or something? Why do you always knock ponies out?”

Celestia cleared her throat. “It is often easier to knock a pony out than to talk to them. Some guards have the same problem, but they don’t get away with it.”

Twilight’s eyes shot open at the sound of Celestia’s voice and she started staring daggers at her. “When did you get here?”

Celestia’s horn lit up and Twilight’s bruise faded. “I came when Max told me that he wasn’t going to do my dirty work for me. I shouldn’t have asked in the first place.”

“There are a lot of things you shouldn’t have done.” Twilight spat.

Celestia gave her a sad smile. “Mistakes are easier to make when you think you’re making them for the right reasons.”

Twilight’s lip curled and she looked at me. “I told you I didn’t want to talk to her.”

“I still think you need to. You two have too much to let it just rot away like there was nothing there in the first place.” I replied calmly.

“I wasn’t the one who lied.” Twilight spat.

Celestia’s shoulders sagged slightly. “I never lied to you, Twilight. I admit that I hid the truth, but-”

“You wiped my memory and my friend’s memories multiple times. By your own laws, you should be in Tartarus!” Twilight shouted.

Celestia bit her lip and looked down. “...I can restore the memories, but other than that, all I can do is apologize.”

Twilight snorted. “It’s a start.”

Celestia looked to me and I nodded, giving her the go ahead. She rose and knelt next to Twilight, touching their horns together and making their magical auras mix and mingle until it was an awfully gross color. When Celestia pulled away, Twilight grabbed her shoulder and pulled her in for a hug. I was completely fucking lost at this point, but I assumed that Celestia had done something worthy of getting a hug. Celestia returned it after a moment and Twilight started crying, gibbering about how much it had hurt when she’d learned that Rarity had date raped me and would be sent to Tartarus.

I asked what the shit was going on and apparently Twilight had consented to having her friend’s memories wiped of her own volition so that Applejack and Rarity wouldn’t be arrested, though I knew that was a crock of shit. Twilight knew it too, but she finally understood why Celestia had wiped our memories in the first place. The princess offered to restore my memories too, but I didn’t really need any emotional baggage to add onto the heaps I already had. It didn’t mean that I was okay with the fact that I had gaps in my memory, but I felt like it was wiser to avoid bringing more pain onto myself.

Celestia and Twilight did a lot more hugging and a little more crying, but for the time being, it seemed as though things would be okay, so I took solace in that instead of focusing on the fact that I’d just lost a friend to differing ideals. I figured I could vent to Noir if I really needed to, so I asked Twilight and Celestia if my presence was needed any longer and they told me that I could go grab them some more tea if I felt like it. Since I ain’t no hoe’s bitch, I told them to go and get it themselves since they knew where my kitchen was. I took my leave and headed into my parlour to parlay with Noir for a quick moment.

I opened my eyes and found myself in a typical psychiatrist's office with Noir wearing a grey pantsuit, holding a clipboard. “Maximus, I see you have decided to make your appointment for once.”

I walked over and had a seat on the couch thing. “Sorry Doc, I’ve been awful busy. Wanking and worrying keep me occupied most days.”

She murmured some words and wrote something down on her clipboard. “Funny. So I heard that you watched a friend pass away recently.”

I decided to play along. “Try within the last hour. I was supposed to put him down myself, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.”

She nodded and scribbled some more things down. “It is good that you did not compromise your morals for the sake of your job. How does his death make you feel?” Like a ray of fucking sunshine.

“Guilty. I walked the guy straight into the fire, and the only thing I can really say in my defense is that he was asleep when it happened. At the very least he didn’t suffer.”

“It is my understanding that he was going to try to take down the Equestrian government and dethrone Celestia and Luna. He could have found a much more painful death, and you offered him an escape. Crimson was going to die today, whether or not you had a hand in it.”

I laid back. “Doesn’t make me feel any better. The only thing I’ve ever been mad at him for was knocking Twilight out.”

“Which you would have killed him for if he had caused lasting damage.”

“And? Doesn’t really excuse me for taking his life.”

“You did not make Crimson do anything. He chose his path, and it ended as he should have expected. You have little to feel guilty about, my friend.”

I closed my eyes. “It’ll take time to digest that. I really need to stop killing people.”

Noir coughed and I looked at her. “You have a long life ahead of you, and you had better believe that there will be more bloodshed.”

“I know that. Doesn’t mean I like it.”

She teleported over and made me scootch over so she could sit next to me. “No one would ever tell you that you have to. All I ask is that you try not to dwell on it.”

“Already trying, not really succeeding. Have I ever mentioned how convenient it is to have someone who can counsel me whenever I need it?” I asked, cracking a smile.

Noir patted my cheek. “A few times now. I’m happy to lend a shoulder whenever you need one.”

“Can you lend me a bit of ass so I don’t keep looking at Twilight’s? If mine were nicer, I’d spend more time looking at my own.”

“Add squats to your routine. Your bottom is plenty pleasant for a man, but it could do you some good as Roxy. Since you have added meat back into your diet, your body is filling out again, but do remember to keep a stock in the future. You may be able to live without it, but that does not mean you should. It will do you some good to have more protein in your diet.”

“Blah blah blah, I’m a vegan, blah blah blah, murder is meat or something.”

Noir tapped my sternum. “If you were a tree hugging vegan, we would not get along.”

“Do vegans eat pussy, or do they think that’s wrong too?” I chuckled.

She rolled her eyes. “I’m sure that they avoid it due to the smell of their flatulence.”

“Speaking of, do you fart?” I asked, genuinely interested.

“Not since I hit puberty. Women do not pass gas. You know this.” Noir said factually.

I cracked up at that, so she gave me a hug and a kiss, ending the visit. I returned to reality to find that we’d passed the time pretty accurately. It wasn’t like I’d been with Noir all that long anyway, so when I returned to find Celestia and Twilight giggling, I figured something happened while I was away, so I asked what up. Twilight managed to tell me that they were laughing at my face when I orgasmed, and they broke out into another round of giggles.

I wasn’t having it.

With a predatory grin, I told Celestia that if you rubbed Twilight’s stomach, that she could almost have an orgasm from just that and the white princess bit back some chuckles while Twilight blushed up a storm. Since fair is fair, I told Twilight that Celestia liked it when you put a finger in her butt during sex and oral. Once everyone was nice and embarrassed, I broached a subject that I’d wanted to talk about ever since I’d claimed Twilight as the first woman in my heart.

I asked if Twilight remembered me telling her about Celestia’s request concerning her, and she did. Celestia, however, forgot up until I reminded her that she’d asked me not to sleep with her student. I asked what their current relationship was and they looked at each other for a moment before Celestia asked if they could go back to the student/teacher thing. Twilight agreed, though she asked that Celestia not lie to her again, but the princess said that she wasn’t even completely honest with me. She said that she would tell her information that she thought Twilight needed to know, but that any national secrets would stay hidden since they were fucking secrets. Twilight was understandably wary, but she said that they could give it a shot if Celestia agreed to never outright lie to her. Celestia agreed and uttered a magical oath that bound her to her word, so I asked why she hadn't done the same for me. Her paltry excuse was that magic oaths basically barred trust from the equation in a romantic relationship, but Twilight had some questions about that.

Twilight wanted to know how long she would have me to herself as far as our relationship and Celestia and I said that we would base our arrangement on what Twilight was comfortable with. My favorite lover said that it was up to us and that she would deal with our decision no matter what, so Celestia and I agreed on the terms we’d already set up, though something was off about Celestia’s words. There was a twitching on the corners of her mouth that nearly made me go straight into interrogation mode, but when I asked, Celestia just said that Twilight had a pleasant future ahead of her if she had anything to say about it.

I really hoped that future involved me.

Celestia took her leave shortly after cryptically answering questions about what in the exactly fuck she meant, so Twilight and I spent some time theorizing on what she’d been talking about. I said that she was probably going to give her some personalized boon that she’d love as a way of apologizing and Twilight thought that she might elevate her family’s position in the Canterlot scene or something like that. Neither of us could really come up with something that seemed like it would affect the rest of her life, so we eventually let the topic drop and I asked Twilight how she felt about socks and stockings. She liked them, but she just didn’t wear them very often, though she was confused as to why I asked in the first place. I could feel my face heat up when I told her about my mild leg fetish, but Twilight didn’t really think it was strange at all since she liked the definition on my arms. She agreed to wear more things of such nature since she wore a lot of skirts and dresses during the warm months anyway, and I agreed to get some tighter shirts because Twilight liked the few that I had.

We decided to spend the day shopping for each other due to there being nothing else to do, and I was grateful for the distraction. Spending time with Twilight took my mind off of the fact that I’d just lost a friend, and she even offered to let me pick out some thigh highs for her, which was fucking radical, though Crimson’s death was still niggling at my heart. Those thoughts were quickly forgotten when Twilight tried on a pair of stockings that drove me a little crazy.

I let her browse through shirts that were a size too small and had her pick out everything for me since I would be wearing them for her anyways. I told Twilight the colors I liked and added purple to that list since I may as well have a few different colors to wear. We finished up after spending a couple hours in Blue’s shop, though we’d only stayed so long so I could introduce Twilight to Blue properly.

Once we were gone, Twilight mentioned that it was a little strange that I was so close to someone I’d only known for about a month and a half, but I couldn’t really tell her why I was so drawn to Blue. Maybe it was her matronly nature or the fact that she genuinely cared about me despite only knowing me for a short amount of time, but either way, Blue was kind of like a mother to me in the same way that Onyx was a father figure. In fact, I dragged Twilight back to Blue’s shop and asked the older woman to set up a double date for us so I could introduce Twilight to Onyx as my girlfriend, and both women were delighted to have an excuse to show off their men, or something of the sort.

Twilight and I went back to her place and we waited for Spike to get home so we could inform him of our plans for the night. He didn’t give a single fuck, though he was a little confused as to why we’d go on a double date when a normal date would work just as fine. I told him that I just liked Blue and Onyx, and wanted to have Twilight on my arm and see them both at the same time. Things just worked out in the fashion of a double date.

Twilight asked me what she should wear for the date and The Fear gripped me. I suggested that she wear whatever she thought was appropriate and she gave me a womanly look before making me search through her closet to find something with her. There was a pale purple dress that I was particularly fond of, but Twilight brought out another that matched the topaz in her ring, so she chose that one. I was a little annoyed that she’d had me look in the first place if she wasn’t going to look at my suggestions, but I kept my mouth shut and Twilight teleported us to my house so she could pick out a shirt for me. She went with the one purple button up that I possessed, and I couldn’t even pretend to be surprised.

We actually walked back into town since we had plenty of time to spare and we met up with Onyx and Blue at the Lock Pad. Onyx had chosen to go with something casual, but when Blue arrived, she made him change into something a bit nicer so that was funny. I received a glare when he caught me chuckling, so I straightened up and kept it to myself. Onyx was his usual sullen self, but he actually tried to appear like he gave a damn about what we were doing, so Blue wasn’t on his back all the time. She still chastised him for being a poopy butt diaper baby from time to time, but it quickly became evident that it was common for her to correct his bullshit.

Dinner was nice. That’s about it. Blue and Twilight found random things to talk about and occasionally had Onyx or myself chime in, so I tried to be active when I was asked to take a part. Twilight rewarded me with cheek kisses when I said things that weren’t retarded and punished me with pinches until I did it back to her. In my defense, I’d let her get four in before retaliating, so I thought it was fair. Blue noticed that we were torturing each other and playing footsie under the table, but she just gave us a knowing smile and patted Onyx’s arm when he told us to quit our teeny-bopper bullshit.

The night ended with Blue and Twilight suggesting that we do it again sometime, though Onyx mentioned to me that Mary was much more relaxed. I told him that bringing a woman that we’d both been shagging would be incredibly stupid and I think that was the first time I ever saw Onyx blush, so I locked the memory away and reminded myself to give him shit about it the next time he had a talk.

Twilight lead the way home and asked for a tummy rub that I was happy to give her. We’d decided on my place since I figured Spike wouldn’t want to hear his sister do anything other than talk in a conversational tone and things got fun when we arrived. I gave Twilight her tummy rub and she offered to reciprocate, but I let her know that touching a Human’s stomach was just something we weren’t that fond of, so she settled on getting some more practice in lining her mouth with icing.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I chilled out at my place the next day because I didn’t feel like doing anything, though the girls had invited me to a picnic. With some much appreciated silence and alone time, I decided to get more of the Midnight Stroll book done, but it just didn’t come to me as easily as writing harlequin romance does. I was throwing a recently acquired bouncy ball at the wall when I heard my door being thrown open and the clopping of hoofbeats down my entrance hall. I ducked behind my couch and prepared myself for the worst when I saw that it was just a pissed off Twilight being followed by the girls and Spike.

I stood up from behind the couch and hopped over it. “Twilight, you should know better than to storm into my house. God forbid I stop thinking and maim you or something.”

She didn’t stop marching and gave me a tight squeeze, burying her face into my chest. ”My brother sucks!”

I hugged her back. “I know that, Twilight. I’ve been telling you that since I met him. What made you change your mind?”

Rarity cleared her throat. “It would seem that Shining Armor got engaged and planned on getting married without saying a word to Twilight.”

“Oh. So can I kick his face in, or are we just going to shout at him for a little bit?” I asked.

“We’re shouting.” Twilight said from my non-breasts.

“Damn. I figured that would be a good enough excuse. When’s the wedding and are we actually going?”

Twilight lifted her face and looked at me. “Of course we’re going, I’m just going to give Shining a piece of my mind!”

“We all have a part in the weddin’, so everypony kinda has to go.” Applejack added.

I shrugged. “At least Night Light and Velvet will be there.” Maybe I’ll convince Twilight to let me lay Cadance before the ceremony. Heh.

“I wouldn’t count on it.” Twilight said bitterly. “If my BBBFF wouldn’t even send an invite to me, I doubt he’d send one to our parents.”

“The fuck does BBBFF mean?”

“Big Brother, Best Friend Forever.” Everyone present chorused.

“Please tell me you don’t still call him that.” I asked Twilight, deadpan.

She blushed. “Why wouldn’t I?”

I gave her a look. “It sounds like something a sweet six year old would come up with.”

Twilight abused me for saying that, but it was still true. Once she’d gotten the news off of her chest, she calmed down a lot, though she was still plenty upset about being excluded from her brother’s personal business. I couldn’t blame her, and I didn’t exactly try to make her stop being mad at him because fuck that guy. Seriously, the prick had never been anything but unpleasant to me.

The girls told me that they were all responsible for different parts of the wedding. Fluttershy was in charge of a choir made of songbirds, Applejack was catering, Rarity was making dresses, Pinkie was planning the reception, Rainbow was supposed to do something called a ‘Sonic Rainboom’, and Twilight was supposed to make sure shit went well. I figured that I’d spend my time with Twilight, but she told me that Celestia wanted me to attend to Princess Cadenza during the whole affair. I made a noise of distaste at that since I’m no one’s fucking errand boy, but Twilight told me that Celestia would be calling in that favor. I was quite tempted to tell her to shove her favor up her arse in a choicely worded letter, but I did owe her.

The girls hung around and babbled their excitement for the wedding in a constant buzz that seemed to drone on and on, so I talked to Twilight so I could get a better idea of why she was so salty. Hell, she never talked about her brother unless I brought him up, and the girls all said that they didn't even know she had a brother, despite knowing her for some time now. I told them I’d figured it out after turning Twilight’s parent’s house into a maze and Twilight abused me some more because she still hadn't told them that it was me who’d done it. I found that amusing and promised her that I would let them know when we saw them in two days.

When all was said and the girls had raided my pantry for more snacks and tea, they left and I spent some time with Twilight, trying to assuage her further. She wasn’t having any of my shit, but she did consent to a nice ear massage and some light petting that got adorable when she fell asleep on my chest. It was even more adorable when she started drooling, but I didn’t want her to wake up with slobber on half of her face, so I woke her up and wiped it off before she could realize she’d put it there in the first place. She still put it together after a moment, but my nonchalance about the incident made her less embarrassed than usual.

We did some cuddling and I wrote in my journal for the first time in a while, catching it up to right about here. At the moment, Twilight has her head on my shoulder and continues to lift her hand up to look at her ring every five minutes. She touches it all the time and looks at it whenever the girls aren’t around, so I can’t help but feel that I made the right choice for her. She’s still talking about getting me a man ring to match hers, but I’m still not terribly fond of jewelry, if anything then because it was a clear indication of an easy mark for me back when I worried about such things.

Putting those thoughts aside, the next time I pick this journal back up will probably be for the wedding. Hopefully I’ll get some ideas for my own wedding while we’re there, but you never know.

Author's Note

I know I said we were getting away from the romance, but Twilight is a massive part of Max's life now. It would make no sense for him to leave her out of his daily business, though that does make me want to add a romance tag to the story

Fun Fact: I actually made a note to have Max tell Twilight that he was going to spend a fortune on their wedding. I thought it was important.

As Always, My Precious

Stay Cool, Kids.

Chapter Thirty-Two: Paying Attention Helps
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Thirty-Two: Paying Attention Helps

Chapter Thirty-Two: Paying Attention Helps

Fuck weddings. First and foremost, fuck weddings, and fuck all the bullshit they entail. Before moving on to the events of the 'Royal Wedding', there were a few days between my last entries and now, so I’ll cover them now: They were boring. I ended up asking Celestia if I got a reward for winning my match against Blueblood since I finally remembered to do it, but she told me that she was working on hammering out the final details. I told her that I just wanted to collect a favor for giving her a show, but Celestia reminded me that I could ask anything of her anyways, so I was stuck wondering what the prize was.

While I was on my remembering shit streak, I’d had a chat with Rarity and told her about making sportswear for women and she took to the idea rather well. I helped her draw up a few sketches that she refined, but within a few hours, we had something functional that would hopefully bear fruit sometime soon. I also asked if Blueberry Tart had approached her about mass producing a specific design for her shop as a test run and Rarity told me that she hadn't given it much thought. I let her know that it could help spread her business even more and she eventually warmed up to the idea, though she liked her stuff to be one-of-a-kind.

After waking up next to Twilight on the first day, we did our usual things. Coffee, showers, then breakfast. I made some frittatas because Pinkie showed me how to make them in the past and I was rather fond, thus I taught Spike how to make them so he could surprise me on whatever bulshit holiday he wanted. Twilight liked them well enough, but she said that they tasted strange, like there had been something else in the pan before I’d cooked the vegetables.

Of course, the taste she was most likely describing was meat from a weird goat thing I’d found in the Everfree. I’d cooked it the night before using the same skillet, but I thought that I’d washed it well enough to scrub off any remaining flavors. Apparently cast iron holds onto those flavors pretty well, because I could taste the slightest hint of goat in my frittata as well. Spike was totally down for it and devoured his food like it was the first meal he’d seen in months and even offered to clean up since he’d appreciated my cooking so much. I'd have to remind myself to have him over for a bite of steak or something later.

Once breakfast was done, Twilight actually had to go tend to the library since some people were complaining about it being closed whenever they went by, but I found that to be completely fucking stupid since no one ever stopped by anyways. Seriously, in seven or so months of living in Equestria, I’d only seen three people come in to check out a book of any kind, so I was understandably frustrated that I had to miss out on spending the day in my home. I still got to spend it with Twilight, but that’s not what I’m bitching about.

There were no visitors throughout the day, so Twilight and I lazed about on the couch until I got bored and started doing pushups. I never did enough at once to make me break more than a slight sweat, but even when Twilight thought adding her weight would be funny again, I still didn’t make much of a mess. Twilight requested that I take my shirt off for some unknown reason, but since we were in private all day, I didn’t mind too much. She spent quite some time tracing lines on my skin, though she focused on the fading ‘Kingslayer’ scar that was still on my forearm. She asked why it hadn't healed yet since my healing factor should have taken care of it, but I didn’t really have an answer for her, so we sent a note to Celestia asking if she knew. She did, in fact, know why the scar wasn’t fading, and it was a combination of Old Magic and the way the cuts were applied. I shrugged it off since it didn’t really bother me in my day to day life, but Twilight wanted the thing gone since it was a memento of some good old fashioned regicide.

Other than that, nothing happened on the first day, and the second day saw an awful lot of packing. Since I’d slept at Twilight’s, we started picking out outfits for her first, though she was loathe to pack a real pair of pants. I told her to stop being so lazy with her attire and she took offense to that until I explained that I thought slipping on a skirt was easier than putting legs in pants. Twilight asked why I didn't wear more skirts as Roxy, or at least, why I didn’t wear them very often in public and I told her that I really just didn’t like crossing my legs when I sat down; a token of my male superiority.

Noir just told me that I should start nailing males if I think they’re so much better. If I didn’t find the idea so unappealing, I’d do it just to fuck with her.

Once we had Twilight’s bags packed, we walked over to my house instead of teleporting so we could enjoy the weather. Packing my shit was a lot easier than packing hers because damn near everything I own matches. When your wardrobe is as limited with its color scheme as mine, it’s not very hard. I had Twilight pick out my most official Baron suit so I could be presentable for the wedding, but the rest of the things she suggested were the shirts that we’d gone shopping for the other day. I was already wearing a tight purple crew neck as per her request, so I figured I would take two of Twilight’s favorites and one of mine so it was fair. Twilight tried to argue that I’d gotten to pick out more of what she was going to wear, but I reminded her that I’d only packed four outfits while she’d packed six, so that conversation was nice and short. I still didn’t understand why she needed so many different outfits since her bridesmaid dress was going to be made for her and we’d only be there for two or three days, but it wasn’t really my place to question the complexities of the female mind.

Once our two day buffer was up, the girls all met up at Twilight’s and we walked to the train station so we wouldn’t wear her out. The girls talked the entire way to Canterlot, but all Twilight wanted to do was stare out the window and tune out the babbling. I wanted her attention more than she wanted to look out of the window, though the way I went about getting it might have been a bit cheaty. I used my tentacle to stroke the insides of her thighs while she was deep in thought, waking her from her daydream. Twilight whacked me and called me lewd, but when I went to retort, she told me that embarrassing her would only make her withhold any favors, so I whispered that she could guzzle cum like the greatest of sluts into her ear when she started staring out of the window again, making her choke on her own saliva. I got hit for that, but it was so worth it.

We arrived in Canterlot around noon and started making our way toward the Castle. On the way in, we’d passed through some kind of magical barrier that made my stomach churn when we passed through, nearly making me lose my breakfast, but the nausea passed soon enough. There were a fuck ton of Day Guards around when we got off the train, but Rarity said that it was most likely just the ‘necessary precautions’, but I found the whole thing to be rather dumb since it wasn’t like anyone was going to pull anything in the Capital where two of the most powerful beings on the planet resided. I mentioned my thoughts to Twilight offhandedly, but she wasn’t really paying that much attention, so I let it slide. In any case, anyone who wanted to attack Canterlot was either suicidal or retarded. While we travelled through town, the girls took time to sightsee and look at just about everything while I just wanted to hurry the fuck up and get there. I kept my comments to myself, however, and busied myself with plying my old trade while we were slowly making progress.

I didn't actually steal anything, but I got a few people with some slight of hand when I stole watches, rings, and bracelets right before their very eyes. The girls watched me from time to time while I worked, but Twilight was more focused on making sure I gave things back than trying to figure out how I could simultaneously chat and steal. I never kept anything because I didn’t need to, and most people were just entertained by my slight of hand.

I saw Fancy and Fleur out and about while we were taking our time, but Twilight told me that we could stay an extra day if I really wanted to visit them. I accepted these terms since they were reasonable enough, but I was still a little irritated that I hadn't been allowed to take my own aside like everyone else had. Twilight explained that she was sure that I’d end up talking to them for far longer than anyone else’s little matters of intrigue, but when I rolled my eyes at her, she stopped trying to make excuses.

After taking far too much time strolling through Canterlot, we got to the Castle nearly two hours after getting into Canterlot. It doesn’t even take a full hour to get there if you’re not slow as fuck. I blamed Rarity for stopping by damn near every shop we’d passed along the way, but no one else had a problem with the fact that her bullshit had made us late while my bullshit would have taken all of five minutes. Seriously, for a land that’s all about fairness and that garbage, they really do turn a blind eye to double standards.

With my mood mildly soured, we were greeted at the gate by none other than the Great White Prick. He rushed over once he saw us and stopped in front of Twilight. “Twily! It’s so good to see you!”

Twilight crossed her arms and glared at him. “I’m sure it is.”

Shining glanced around at the girls who were all looking away. “Okay, something’s not right here.”

“What’s not right is that I had to find out from Princess Celestia that you were getting married! I didn’t even know you had a special somepony!” Twilight set her jaw.

“Oh. That.” He said sheepishly. “Look, I’ve just been really busy-”

“Too busy to write your own sister?” I cut in. “Mate, you really need a better excuse. If you’re busier than either of the Princesses, I’ll eat my nonexistent hat.”

“Who asked you?” Shining spat.

Twilight snapped her fingers in his face. “There’s my special somepony, so where’s yours?”

Shining recoiled. “Twily, he’s not your special somepony if he’s dating two other mares and doing who knows what with how many others!”

“If you actually bothered to read the letters I sent you, you’d know that Max picked me. And actually, I know what because Max tells me.” Twilight said venomously, flashing him her ring.

“...Oh.” Shining said, his face coloring. Something clicked. “Wait, you can't be engaged to this guy!”

“I’m not, we’re waiting on that, but I really don’t see how it’s really an issue to you. It’s not like you even care.” Twilight huffed shakily.

“Twily, I really do care, but being the Captain of The Guard isn’t easy! I’ve been maintaining a shield over Canterlot for weeks now,” He winced, “and it’s really been taking its toll on me. The only reason I’m even getting through it is because of my special somepony-”

“Who I still haven’t met yet.” Twilight interrupted.

Shining sighed. “You know her personally, Twilight. I wouldn’t just pick up some random mare and not tell you about it.”

“That statement is so flawed, I’m not even going to touch it. Twilight, bandying about with words isn’t getting us anywhere. Let’s just go get you introduced to Cadance.”

“That’s Princess Mi Amore Cadenza to you.” Shining snarled.

I laughed at him. “I’ll call her whatever the bloody fuck I want, mate.”

Shining shot me a dark glare that promised I’d pay for my words, but when Twilight snapped her fingers in his face again, he turned back to her. “Look, Twilight, I’m sorry that I haven’t been in touch, but protecting Canterlot is my sole duty right now. Here, watch this.”

He stepped back and his horn lit up with some pretty gay magic, but once it seemed to charge up, he released a beam of magic that went straight up into the barrier surrounding us, making it turn slightly more opaque. Shining winced again and put a hand to his head, grimacing.

Twilight winced right along with him. “So you’re the only pony holding this barrier up?”

“Yeah. There was a threat against Canterlot, so Princess Celestia had me ramp up security. I’m the only one who can cast the spell, so the burden’s been on my shoulders all this time.” But you don’t have any spare time. None at all?

“Oh… I guess that would keep you awfully busy.” Twilight said, losing most of her steam. “Still, you should have told me that you were getting married!”

“I know, Twilight, but I guess it just slipped my mind…” He said sadly. “If you’re that upset about it then I guess you wouldn’t want to be my Best Mare.” Bribery. Way to go, mate.

Her eyes lit up. “Me? Your Best Mare? Shining, I’d be honored!”

I sighed inwardly, disappointed with Twilight for giving in so easily. “I’m glad to hear that! I wouldn’t have anypony else anyway.” Shining grinned.

Twilight smiled at him. “Thank you! So who is this mare anyways? I’ve never heard of another Princess other than Celestia and Luna.”

Shining grinned deviously. “You know her pretty well. After all, you were really fond of Cadance.”

Twilight tapped her chin. “The only Cadance I know of is my old foalsitter, but you…” She trailed off and Shining just kept smiling. “It’s THAT Cadance!?”

“Yup.”

Twilight squealed and started going on about the things they used to do together when she was still a foal. Playing on swings, having picnics, walking around town fixing relationships with love magic: Typical Equestrian bullshit. While Twilight was practically bouncing around, Shining and I chuckled at her excitement, though when we heard each other, he tossed a glare my way. I rolled my eyes and went back to watching Twilight, barely listening to her babbling since I already knew all of this. As Twilight was chanting something about Shining marrying Cadance, the candy colored Princess herself showed up.

“I hope I’m not interrupting something.” She said severely once she was a few meters away.

I frowned immediately. Cadance wouldn’t take such a fierce tone needlessly, and something just wasn’t right about the way she walked. I gave her a little more attention and noticed that she was walking like she was about to deck someone, but the Cadance I knew was too mild for that.

Twilight completely missed her tone. “Cadance!” She rushed over to her and started doing a goofy little dance. “Sunshine sunshine, ladies bugs awake! Stomp your hooves and do a little shake!”

I bit my thumb to prevent myself from straight up laughing at her, though I heard a few snickers from the girls. Cadance just looked at her like she was completely retarded. “Right. What was that?”

Twilight ignored her tone again, but it felt like the Princess didn’t remember my lover at all, despite discussing her for hours when we’d first talked. “Cadance, don’t you remember? It’s me, Twilight! You used to foalsit me when I was little!”

Cadance gave her a disdainful look. “Uh huh.” Alright, there’s a red flag.

She joined Shining Armour and lightened up considerably. Shining threw an arm around her and said, “I’ve gotta go make sure Canterlot stays running, but Cadance will be dropping in on you and your friends throughout the day, so I’m sure you guys will have plenty of time to catch up. I think I speak for both of us when I say we’re happy to see you.”

“Absolutely.” Cadance said, narrowing her eyes.

Twilight gave her an odd look and Cadance told the girls where they needed to go. Spike was lost since he had to plan the bachelor party and hadn't even known what one was up until we’d been on the train, so Cadance told him to ‘figure something out’ like she didn’t really give a shit about what he did. Twilight scratched her head at the ice cold reception she’d gotten, but she couldn’t really say anything at the moment. She eventually went to go check on the decorations and whatnot, but I had to stay by Cadance’s side, much to my displeasure. Even if I was doing something boring, I would have rather been with Twilight.

Once we were alone, Cadance started walking away from me without saying anything. She’d gotten a decent distance away until she realized that I wasn’t following. “Um, hello? Are you coming?”

“Change your tone and I might.” I replied flippantly.

Cadance stood up straighter. “Get over here. now.” Red flag number two. Something’s up.

“Bitch, did you not fucking hear me? I don’t know who the bloody fuck you think you’re talking to, but it sure as Hell isn’t me.” I snarled.

She pointed to the ground in front of her. “Are you not my attendant?”

“No, I’m your friend. What’s up your arse, Cadance? First you snub Twilight, now you talk to me like you think I can be cowed or something.”

Cadance stormed over to me. “You are a servant. You do what I say, when I say it. If I tell you to jump-”

I slapped her. “Get the fuck outta my face.”

She held her cheek and gaped at me. “Y-You hit me.”

“No shit. Do I have your attention now?” I curled my lip.

“I’m a Princess. You can't hit me!” She protested.

“I’m a prick. You learned that the first time you met me. If you really think that I’m just going to let you be a fucking cunt to me all day, then you’ve got another thing coming.”

“Do you have no respect for authority?” Red flag number three. Suspicious as fuck.

“None at all. Keep that in mind the next time you try to order me around.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Give me one reason to not call the guards on you.”

“Uh, they’re not going to do shit to me? Cadance-”

“Who said you could call me by that name?” She hissed.

That was all the evidence I needed. I wrapped my invisible tentacle around her throat and came in close. Her eyes widened as she felt the pressure increase. “Alright love, we’re taking a field trip. Walk normally, or you die. Call for help, and you die. Try anything and guess what?” I loosened my tentacle.

“You don’t scare me.” She hissed.

“Then you’re a fucking fool. Let’s go.”

I marched her through the castle towards the room I’d stayed in during my first trip to Canterlot because I knew the way by heart. I could keep up a half decent pace and ‘Cadance’ didn’t try anything stupid, though she did talk to an awful lot of people on our way there. I listened close for any potential cries for help, but the only one she tried was silenced as it was leaving her throat by tightening my telekinetic hold around her. She got the point after that and didn’t try anything else.

When we arrived at our destination, I stopped a passing butler and asked him to make sure that we weren’t disturbed for the next two hours, give or take and he swore that our secret was safe with him. I thought that was amusing, so I let him think whatever he wanted and carted ‘Cadance’ into the room, locking the door behind us. I drew the Warbling Blade and poured some Dark Magic into it, forming it into the stiletto so I could draw defenses on the door, just in case someone could break into my impromptu interrogation room. I considered taking her to Celestia, but on the off chance that it really was Cadance, I wanted to keep these matters between us.

Once I’d drawn my sigils, I turned to face her, but she was trying to cast some kind of magic. If her behavior hadn't tipped me off, then the color of her magic would have. I tightened my tentacle and she lost focus, losing the spell she’d been building up. I stalked over to her and flipped the Warbling Blade in the air as I stepped, catching it by blade or handle with the ease that comes from years of doing similarly dumb shit.

I pulled up two chairs and forced our imposter to sit in one while I took the other. “Alright, so you’re obviously not Cadance.”

She glared at me. “Who the buck do I look like then?”

“Cadance, but you’re not her. You made too many simple mistakes to be the candy-coated lover-girl I know.”

The imposter continued trying to drill holes into my eyes. “I am Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, and I will not stand-”

I reached over and backhanded her. “Keep lying to me and I’ll start doing that with a knife.”

She started shaking. “What can I do to convince you that I’m me?”

“How about remembering the girl you took care of for years? Or maybe by remembering a guy that you tried to sleep with two years ago.” Her eyes widened. “And maybe you could start by having the right color of magic. Cadance’s is light blue. Yours is green.”

“Maybe I forget a pony or two over the years-”

“I met Cadance and the first thing I did was what?” I challenged.

“How am I supposed to remember!? That was years ago!” She argued.

I sat back in my chair and chuckled. “That wasn’t even three months ago, love. You swallowed your own hoof.”

The imposter’s eyes widened as she realized I’d caught her in a lie. “So what? I meet a lot of ponies-”

“That’s right. You meet a lot of Ponies.” I smirked at her. “If you recall, Celestia told you I was a one of a kind being. A…?” I gestured for her to continue.

“It’s obvious I don’t remember.” She spat.

“So you don’t remember meeting the only member of a species? You’re not gaining any ground here. You know, I’m sure Celestia will understand.” I rose from my seat and started pulling her right up along with me.

“Wait!” She cried.

I raised a brow and her horn started glowing again, but I wasn’t having any of it. “I can literally see you casting magic.”

“...If you take me to Celestia, Cadance dies.” She threatened.

I pushed up one of her sleeves and cut her quickly. She winced and tried to pull away from me. I noticed that her blood was green, telling me that she wasn’t even a pony. “I told you that I’d start using the knife if you keep lying to me.” I shoved her sleeve back down, the sickly green staining it quickly.

The look of fury on her face made me smile. “I’ll tell you where the real Cadance is, just don’t go to Celestia!”

I crossed my arms. “Why not? Celestia can rip that information from your mind, and as an Operative, it’s my duty to help weed out the worst when I can.”

She balled her hands up so hard I could hear her knuckles pop. “I’ll make you a deal. Anything you want; Just name it.”

I cracked up at that. The imposter just stared at me until I stopped laughing at her ridiculous suggestion. “What do you have that Celestia herself doesn’t? I have the favor of both Princesses, so it’s not like you can offer me anything.”

She glared at me before changing shape before my very eyes, growing taller and paler until she turned all the way into Celestia. “I can give you any mare you want. Any stallion, too. All you have to do is let me go and I’ll leave you alone for as long as you want.”

I laughed harder this time, actually doubling over. I still kept my eyes on the shapeshifter and she still glared at me. “Look, love. If I hadn't already laid Celestia, I might honestly be tempted, but I dated her for awhile. Do you have anything other than sex? Because most Ponies aren’t really all that hard to convince for a quick romp.”

“If ‘quick’’ is a problem for you, I can fix that with magic.” She said, hope glimmering in her voice.

“My dick is magic.” I smirked.

“...Please tell me you’re kidding.”

“Tell me who you really are.”

She bit her lip and looked off to the side, but I wasn’t falling for that old trick. I stared at her with a bored expression and started marching her out the door, but she said, “Please! Anything you ask! Anything!”

“There’s two ways you’re getting out of this room: Dead, or heading toward Celestia. Keep it up and we’ll see if you change forms after dying to death.” I said simply.

She switched back to being Cadance. “I see. If I must meet my fate, then I’ll do it with dignity.”

I nodded. “Wise choice. Same rules, same promise. Understand?”

“I do.”

“Then let’s get a move on.”

I marched her out the door and she tried to sprint out once the door was open, but strangulation has a funny way of putting a damper on plans like that. She clutched at her throat until I loosened up, but when I came out of the room, she held her head high like she hadn't just tried to run like a cornered rat. I was finding the constant strain of keeping my telekinesis up to be rather headache inducing, but I needed to keep it up, so I steeled my resolve and kept going.

Celestia was in her room, according to the random staff member I asked, so I took Cadance through the Castle and into Celestia’s wing, but our pace was starting to get to me. I considered just giving her a Black Eye to make things easier on my brain, but I doubted that any of the guards would have allowed me to carry around an unconscious Princess. Hell, I was surprised that there weren’t any surrounding me with spears after I’d slapped her, but I guess I built up a bit of a reputation for being a dick in general around the Castle.

When we came to Celestia’s room, the shapeshifter tried to have me open the door, but I asked one of the Day guards to do it for me. ‘Cadance’ argued that a gentlecolt would open the door for a lady and I reminded her that I never claimed to be one. She tried ordering me to do it, barring the guards from doing it themselves, but I told them that I’d have Celestia look into them personally if they disobeyed me on this. The shapeshifter used Cadance’s status to overrule mine, so instead of taking my eyes off of her to open the door since it swung outward. I beat on Celestia’s door a few good times because I’m not fucking stupid.

The shapeshifter was visibly pissed, but I was making it hard to breathe since she’d tried to pull some bullshit on me, so she couldn’t really say anything. It took a minute, but Celestia opened the door with a furious look on her face that made the shapeshifter flinch. It swiftly changed to one of matronly kindness once she saw the imposter, but I didn’t miss the narrowing of her eyes when she saw me.

“Maximus. I’m assuming there’s a reason you were beating on my door like somepony just burned down the castle.” She said irritably.

“I would ask why you’re so quick to assume it was me, but I really need you to step out of the way right now.” I said in the same tone.

Celestia’s brow furrowed. “I’m busy at the moment-”

“This can’t wait.” I interrupted.

“I see. You can’t even wait for me to finish a sentence?” She asked icily.

“What part of fucking urgent do you not fucking understand?” I said through my teeth. The pounding in my head had only grown since coming into Celestia’s wing, and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep up my restraints.

Celestia glared at me for a moment before throwing her door open, barely missing me in the process and breaking my line of sight on the shapeshifter. I lunged past it quickly and caught the imposter in the middle of a spell, choking her and causing her to clutch at her throat again. My poor brain ached at the strain and the sudden movement, but I was too close to getting this over with for me to fuck it up now. The guard immediately pointed spears at me, though I wasn’t worried about them.

Celestia levitated me with her magic once she saw ‘Cadance’ was struggling to breath. “Maximus! Let. Her. Go.”

“That’s not Cadance! Check her blood, it’s green!” I hissed.

Celestia’s eyes widened and her eyes searched the imposter’s body for any sign of green
blood as I eased up the pressure on her. She gasped for air and Celestia latched onto the arm I had cut, lifting her sleeve to see that I was telling the truth.

“Mother of Equus…” Celestia dropped me, jarring my concentration and giving the imposter the chance to light her horn up again.

In one desperate attempt, I grabbed a knife from my boot and threw it straight into one of her arse cheeks, breaking her concentration and allowing Celestia to cast a spell of her own. A bubble formed around the two and I just rolled over onto my back, pressing my palms into my eyes in an attempt to quell the pain behind them. I noticed that I was being levitated again, but I didn’t really care where I was going at this point since Celestia seemed to have things covered, so I was just along for the ride.

After a long walk and some time to recover, I felt like I could open my eyes without sending serious pain into my brain, so I gave it a shot. It was bright as fuck, but I’d had my eyes closed for a good ten minutes, so what the fuck did I expect. Once I started looking around again, I asked Celestia to put me down so I could go throw up in one of her decorative urns, but at least I hadn't just done it on the floor. Celestia maintained the bubble and had magical handcuffs on the imposter, so she wasn’t going anywhere soon, though she did float my knife back to me after I was done being ill.

We alighted to the rarely used Throne Room and Celestia had a servant grab Shining Armour and Twilight from whatever duties they were doing at the time so that they could join us. Twilight just teleported to us and looked around, spotting me sitting on one of the steps to Luna’s throne and Celestia with her bubble. She wasted no time in rushing up to Celestia.

“Princess! Why do you have Cadance in a containment bubble!?” She asked, panicking.

Celestia shook her head. “Twilight, this isn’t Cadance. You remember the creatures called Changelings, yes?”

“The ones that can… Change their forms…” Twilight’s jaw dropped and the imposter glared at her.

“Once your brother returns, we will find the true Cadance, so do not worry.” Celestia said calmly. “He should be arriving at any moment.”

In Equestria, in most cases, Shining would have shown up then and there, but it took the guy a good twenty minutes to arrive. When he did, he looked pissed off to no end and straight up ignored Twilight, Celestia, and the Changeling, preferring to focus his attention on me. My best guess is that the butler guy did not keep our supposed tryst a secret. Shining strode up and cocked his fist back, but I was too tired to dodge it and I really just wanted to see him lose his position for clocking someone who hadn't done a damned thing to him. Sadly, before he could get a real good fuck up in, Twilight stopped him with her cheatsy bullshit magic.

“Twilight, let me go! This- this, creature has the nerve to sleep with my fiance the day before my own bucking wedding!”

I groaned. “Mate, do you not see Celestia standing not even five meters from you? I’m not dealing with your shit, so fuck off.” I folded my hands over my stomach and leaned back onto the steps. It was very uncomfortable, but it made me look like more of a prick, so fuck comfort.

“Shining Armour.” Celestia said, deceptively calm. “You’ve failed me once today, don’t add to the list.”

Twilight’s magic faded with Shining’s anger. “What? What do you mean, Your Majesty?”

Celestia pointed at the imposter and it changed forms slowly, like it was resisting whatever Celestia was trying to do. In a minute or so, everyone was now looking at a pony that had an insect-like carapace, a long, sharp horn, and holes in everything from her wings to her limbs. She was somewhere between the most terrifying thing and the coolest thing I’d ever seen, but what was even cooler was seeing Shining’s face collapse as he realized his lover wasn’t who he’d thought she was. I know I’m a right arsehole for taking pleasure in his pain, but there really was no love lost between us.

“...What is that?” He murmured.

“This, Shining Armour, is a Changeling. One that slipped through your barrier, and I’m willing to bet that this is the orchestrator of attack that’s supposed to be coming.” Celestia said matter-of-factly.

Twilight came and sat next to me, so I leaned forward and put an arm around her. “Princess, if that Changeling is posing as Cadance, then where is she really?” Twilight asked fearfully.

“We’re about to find out.” Celestia stated. The Changeling tried to move, her wings fluttering furiously, but she wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

Celestia touched her horn to the Changelings and I could hear the corrupted looking creature hiss and swear some creative curses at the solar Monarch. It took a few minutes, but once Celestia had what she wanted, she added more magical shackles to the Changeling before dropping the bubble.

“Shining, Cadenza is in the catacombs below the Castle. Send a squadron down to search for her, but be warned: You will not be able to cast magic down there, so do not go yourself. Patience is a virtue that would serve you well.” She advised.

Shining stared blankly at her for a long moment before shaking his head and saluting, dashing off to go fulfill his orders. I took the time to rise from my seat with Twilight following close behind until I made it clear that I was heading for the Changeling, but all she did was hesitate for a step before following me.

Celestia gave me an odd look when I waved a hand in front of our prisoner’s face. “So you’re not dead. That’s a plus, right?”

She glared at me and glanced at Celestia. “The effect is still the same. My people will starve.”

I cocked my head to the side. “Alright, you’re going to have to explain that one. I’m not seeing how posing as a princess no one knows of feeds anyone.”

She glanced at Celestia again, waiting for her to say something. When Celestia stayed silent, she said, “My people, my Changelings feed on emotion.”

I looked at her expectantly for a few moments, but when she didn’t say anything, I spread my hands. “Seriously, I need more than that. As long as you didn’t kill anyone, I’m sure you’ll get out of this alive.”

She narrowed her eyes. “I haven’t killed a person yet. Doing so would limit my already small resources.”

I rolled my eyes. “Are you just going to dodge the question until I slap you again, or are you going to speak up?”

She spat in my face. “Only cowards assault prisoners.”

I wiped her saliva off of my face. Celestia put a hand on my shoulder, but she couldn’t stop me from doing the same to the Changeling. I may have hocked a loogie that she couldn’t wipe off. “Celestia, did you learn her motive or her name?”

Celestia gave me a disapproving look and magicked away the mess on the Changeling’s face. “I do. She planned on attacking Canterlot so that she could allow her Changelings to feed on the populace, but it should be known that this was her final move. Queen Chrysalis has no more viable means to feed her people.”

I thought about it for a moment. “So her species is going to die off because they can’t get fed?”

Celestia nodded. “It is unfortunate, but I don’t see a way that we could help her, and I’m woefully against doing so anyway. She was planning on leaving my niece to die.”

I gave her a look. “Don’t pretend like you haven’t done worse things for the sake of your own people. If all she needs is people to feed off of, then why aren’t we asking what happens after Changelings feed? What emotions do they feed on? Who can we offer them so that this doesn't happen again? Can we start offering criminals a choice between Tartarus or being a Changeling slave or something?”

“...I forget that you’re not an idiot all the time, but then you make statements like that and I wonder why you act like a fool.” Celestia looked to Chrysalis. “As much as I would enjoy seeing your people suffer for being leeches,” Damn, that’s harsh, “I believe that you would be far more useful as an ally. Until further notice, you are a prisoner of Equestria, but once Luna awakens, we will mete out our terms.”

Chrysalis looked like I’d smacked her around with party balloons while expecting them to do something. “...Are you telling me that you will actually consider helping my people?”

Celestia gave her a stern look. “I would hate for an entire race to die off just because I was angry, though I’m not afraid to correct a mistake.”

Twilight grabbed my hand and I squeezed it. “See, Chryssy? This is what you get when you try being nice instead of being a fucking cunt.” Chrysalis drew breath, but let it out without saying anything. To no one in particular, I said, “If I’m not needed, I’ve still got a brutal headache. Let me know what happens; I’ll be napping in the Gardens or something.”

Celestia stopped me with magic. “Once Cadenza is found, she’ll most likely want to thank you.”

“Then she can come find me. It’s not like I’m heading back to Ponyville or anything.”

She rolled her eyes. “I’ll heal your headache if you come with me.”

I held my hands palms up as if weighing my choices. “Sit around and have a nap, or follow you to who knows where. I’ll take my chances, hun.”

Celestia wasn’t about to let me go, but Chrysalis spoke before she could. “Is he like this to everyone? I thought he just saw through my disguise.”

Sunbutt gave her a dark look. “You’re still a prisoner, even if I plan on assisting you.”

“No need to be rude, Celly. Yes, Chryssy, I’m like this to all authority figures. Fuck you guys.” Maybe figuratively, maybe literally.

Celestia gave me an irksome look. “Shut up, Max.”

Twilight stuck her tongue out at Sunbutt in my defense, which was both endearing and adorable. Celestia just rolled her eyes and started walking Chrysalis out of the room. I didn’t really want to follow them, but I really didn’t have much of a choice. Twilight dragged me along behind the Monarchs, so I stopped giving a shit and tried jamming my tongue in the roof of my mouth to calm the storm in my head. I made a mental note to never sue my telekinesis for over thirty minutes again, but I was pretty sure that I was going to fuck that up sometime. Maybe not soon, but eventually.

I asked Twilight if she could heal my headache since Celestia told me off for not accepting the deal she gave me in the first place, but my future wife didn’t know much in the way of healing magic. I started bitching to her about Celestia and her awful color scheme until I felt something very unwanted in a very private place. It was a swift reminder that Sunbutt’s magic hair was complete bullshit, but then again, I’d captured a queen with telekinesis that was supposed to be weak. Granted, it only worked to a certain distance and what I could lift with it was tied to my physical strength which wasn’t all that great, but it was still quite the effective weapon. Experience and trials had proven this time and time again, though the backlash sucked.

Speaking of Queen Chrysalis, she had gotten awfully complacent once Celestia agreed to open negotiations and I doubted that the restraints were even necessary at this point. Still, Sunbutt left them on as we walked through the castle, and I was surprised to find that we were actually heading outside. We stopped at the front gates and Celestia summoned a contingent of guards to help escort us to our mystery destination, though why someone who could dry the seas and level forests with a thought needed extra guards, I don’t know.

We practically paraded through town, but it didn’t seem to phase Chrysalis in the slightest. She kept her chin held high and her posture dominant as we strolled onward, and I couldn’t help but chuckle at the pride of royalty. I started cracking jokes to Twilight and the guards until Celestia made us stop completely and stared deep into my soul. Her light purple eyes met my mismatched ones, fixing me with a flinty glare until she noticed something. She asked why my eyes were different colors and I told her that Twilight abused me so much and so often, the life started to drain from my eyes. Twilight took offense to that until I kissed her, but when I did, Chrysalis let out a contented sigh and Celestia slapped the everloving shit out of her for feeding off of the ambient emotion that came from Twilight .

Chrysalis lifted her hands and touched her jaw. “Hit me again, mommy. I love it when you do that.”

Celestia looked sickened by that, but I couldn’t control myself. “What the fuck was that?” I cackled.

The Bug Queen glared at me. “With stronger personalities come side effects. I believe I absorbed a bit of yours.”

One of the guards snickered, but he shut up when Celestia glared at him. Once she was done with him, she turned to me and said, “You’re a sick stallion.”

“Insult me some more, mommy! Call me your dirty little slut!” I said, failing to keep a straight face.

She rolled her eyes and a couple more of the guards started shaking for the oddest reason, but Twilight abused me for being a smartass so I quit. We continued with our walk until we came to the edge of Canterlot, overlooking the cliffside. Once we were there, Celestia had Chrysalis make some buzzing noise and a smaller, less interesting version of her appeared after changing shape from a butterfly. It couldn’t pass through the barrier, but it didn’t really need to since it could hear her anyway. Chrysalis simply told it that the attack was off and that relief would hopefully come soon, so without any other bullshit to take care of, I had a few questions for Chryssy.

On our walk back, I was next to Chrysalis, though Celestia seemed wary of my interest. “So, Chryssy, what happens after you feed on someone? It’s not like you leave them as an emotionless husk or anything, right?”

She snorted. “As I said, hurting Ponies to feed off of them is self-defeating. We prefer to keep our prey nice and happy so we can skim off their excess emotions. This way, we keep a food source and the Pony we feed off of doesn’t notice anything, though it’s not as though feeding in general will cause many adverse effects. Rarely will it result in more than a day’s worth of mild fatigue.”

“So you’re a smart predator with plans for the long term. I have to ask, why didn’t you ask for help in the first place? Celestia has the reputation of being kind and the Ponies aren’t always super xenophobic-”

Chrysalis scoffed hard and I raised a brow. “I have asked Celestia for help. I approached her nine hundred years ago and again five hundred years ago. I thought that if centuries wouldn’t change her mind, then little else would.”

I craned my neck to look at Celestia. “Oi, is that true Celestia?”

Sunbutt gave me a quick glance. “I didn’t understand the implications of my actions then. I spent much of the last thousand years furious that my sister turned on me and mourning her absence, so I was feeling less than cooperative.” Bitch, are you serious?

“That’s fucked up and you know it. No wonder Chrysalis resorted to attacking Canterlot; you snubbed her twice when she reached out and I’m willing to bet that you told her to deal with her own problems when you did.” I said harshly.

Chrysalis looked at me. “I do not need your pity.”

“What? You’re not getting any, mate. I’m telling Celestia off for being mean, so shut up and enjoy the show.” I said testily.

“Nopony is telling anypony off.” Celestia said, her eye twitching. Seems like a good time to shut up.

“You’re right. It’s more like I’m nagging you for shit you should have and shouldn’t have done.” I said casually.

Twilight gasped and hit my arm. “Max! You know that’s a slur!”

I gave her an odd look. “What, shit? I say it all the time and no one else says anything. Hell, you don’t say anything.”

She gave me a look. “No, the N-Word!”

I replayed the conversation in my head. “Oh yeah, nag is a bad word around these parts. I forgot about that.”

“If you know it’s bad, then why don’t you stop saying it?” Celestia chastised.

“Because it’s like finding out that ‘corn’ is suddenly a bad word. Again. It doesn’t make any sense to me at all.” I stated.

“Regardless of whether or not it makes sense, you really shouldn’t say it.” Twilight said.

I let go of her hand and grabbed her side, making her jump and make an adorable noise. ”I shouldn’t eat ass either, but you still ask me to do it.”

“I would never ask you to eat a Donkey!” My lover protested.

“Someone’s a little thick.” I heard one of the guards mutter.

“Watch it, mate. The only person allowed to make fun of the purple one is me.” I said, keeping my eyes straight ahead.

There were a few well disguised coughs and I heard someone get hit from off to my left, but I just smiled and kept walking. Celestia raked her eyes over the group and looked for the cheeky fucker, but she couldn’t pick him out the seven other guards that were walking about. I didn’t doubt that she’d heard him, but Twilight was blissfully unaware and asked what I meant when I said someone was making fun of her. I told her to let it go since no one had said anything mean enough to upset me and she let it go because I'm quicker to anger than she is.

The walk back was quick enough since Celestia wasn’t showing off her new prisoner anymore. We still garnered a lot more attention than I was comfortable with on the way back, but the eyes weren’t on me, so it was fine. Chrysalis either pretended to not notice or not care, but in any case, she was still the center of attention and Celestia made sure that she was quite visible through our escort. I shut up for once because I was a little worried about whether or not Cadance would be okay, but I kept my worries to myself since Twilight was looked pensive enough as it was. I asked Celestia if our presence was still needed so I could have a quick word with Twilight, but she told me that I was to stay by her side until we found Cadance. That annoyed me and made my head throb again, but I dealt with it since I ain’t no bitch.

We got back to the Castle and Celestia had us follow her down into the dungeons, but Chrysalis swore a magic oath that she would do no harm, barring self defense, while she was treated as a guest in the Castle. Celestia agreed to her terms since they were plenty reasonable and vague enough to cover most circumstances, so she had the guards escort her to her rooms and Celestia, Twilight and I alighted to the Gardens so we could wait some more. I asked Twilight if she minded sitting on the grass for a little bit and she offered me her lap. I felt like some bullshit, spiky haired, harem anime protagonist for a moment, but then I realized that I already knew who I loved and it was actually more of a dopey couples thing. Celestia just smiled at us from time to time, though I couldn’t help but notice that the looks she gave us were a little sad.

After enough time for me to doze off, some guards came out into the Gardens and announced that Cadance was coming, but they barely got the words out before she and Shining came out themselves. Celestia rose to greet them and Twilight made me sit up so she could go greet the real Cadance with a hug. I got off my lazy arse while Celestia was checking to see if there was any lasting damage on Cadance, but once she gave her the okay, she started telling her about how I’d dragged Chrysalis to her after learning that she was an imposter. Cadance wasted no time in locating me.

I gave her a casual wave and yawned. While I was covering my mouth, Cadance bolted over and wrapped me up in a hug that could rupture lungs. “Max! Thankyouthankyouthanyou so much!”

I returned her hug and patted her back awkwardly. “Can’t breathe.”

She let up a bit and held me at arm’s length, her face streaked with tears. “Sorry, but thank you, Max. Thank you.”

I pulled her in for a nonlethal hug. “Anytime, candy arse. Do me a favor and try not to get kidnapped again, though.”

Cadance laughed weakly and I could feel her wipe her eyes from over my shoulder. After a moment, she asked, “How did you even know it wasn’t me? Shining Armour and Auntie Celestia couldn’t even tell.” Because they don't love you like I do.

I let her go and Shining, Celestia, and Twilight joined us. I looked around at the group. “So who wants to hear a quick story?”

Celestia gave me a look. “You already have everypony’s attention.”

I grinned. “I sure do, don’t I?”

After a minute of me not talking, Twilight sighed. “I’d like to hear your story, Max.”

“There we go. That wasn’t so hard, now was it?” I got two glares from the crackers, a shake of the head from Twilight, and a chuckle from Cadance. “Alright, so first things first; Having a shit ton of guards around made me suspicious already, so when ‘Cadance’ started acting out of character, my mind ran wild. The first thing was that she barely even spared Twilight a glance, but I remembered the real deal telling me all about her days babysitting Twilight, so that threw up a flag. The next thing was that she didn’t remember me, and honestly, whether you love me or hate me, I’m not terribly forgettable.”

“You’re literally the only member of your species. Who wouldn’t remember?” Cadance chuckled.

I nodded. “My point exactly. The second thing was that ‘Cadance’ didn’t remember that I don’t take shit from anyone, regardless of their status. She tried ordering me around and getting up in my face, so that got her slapped.”

Celestia tilted her head. “You slapped someone for being rude?”

“I slapped someone for treating me as a lesser creature. The bullshit ‘Cadance’ tried to pull was extraordinary, and I knew for a fact that the Cadance I’d met wasn’t that big of a spoiled cunt. Not remembering that I show reverence to no one unless I’m physically forced to was red flag number two.”

Cadance traded a small smile with Celestia. “It’s awfully hard to forget about being chastised for being difficult the first time you meet somepony.”

“You yelled at Cadance the first time you met her?” Twilight asked incredulously.

“I spent like, an entire day trying to find her only to learn that she was in a place I’d checked twice! I was a little annoyed!” I huffed.

Celestia rolled her eyes. “I’m sure there’s no bad blood here.”

Cadance laid a hand on my shoulder. “There isn’t.”

I nodded. “Right. Let’s see… I think the thing that made me decide to interrogate her was the fact that she was so against me calling her ‘Cadance’ instead of Cadenza. The woman I know and rather like was adamant that I call her by her nickname, so that was strike three.”

Cadance, Shining and Twilight stared at me. Twilight cleared her throat and asked, “Max, what do you mean by ‘interrogate’?”

I shrugged. “I started asking her questions, like about the time the real Cadance and I met. She put her hoof in her mouth a couple times, so I took her to Celestia. That’s pretty much all there is to it.” Besides roughing her up a little and threatening her life a few time, that is.

Cadance gave me a little smile and threaded her arm through Shining Armour’s. “So how did you trick her?”

I grinned mischievously. “I told her that we met years ago and that you tried to sleep with me.”

The candy coated princess blushed hard. “Haven’t you been in Equestria less than a year?” How tactful. It’s best we skip that sex part.

Celestia picked up on it if the twitching of her cheeks was anything to go by. “Yes, you’re correct. Max has only been with us since early last summer.”

I spread my hands and tried to look vain. “What can I say? I’m just some handsome, charming, tricksy Human.”

Twilight grabbed my hand. “You’re just difficult most of the time, but you have your moments.”

I squeezed it. “Would it kill you to inflate my ego every now and again? I just saved your favorite babysitter, I think I could do with a little narcissism.”

She rolled her eyes and pulled me down so she could kiss my cheek. “I’ll pay you in kisses, but you can inflate your own ego.” If I don’t get laid for this, that’s what I’m doing.

“Kisses are far more valuable. I accept your terms, foolish Unicorn.” I chuckled.

Twilight bumped me with her shoulder and I noticed that Cadance and Celestia were just enjoying the show. Shining looked like he wanted to be pissed at me, but I’d just saved his fiance, so he could shove it.

“So what now? I’m guessing that catching an imposter means I don’t have to be Cadance’s errand boy.” I asked.

Celestia gave me an evil grin. “The favor was that you would be Cadance’s attendant until the day of the wedding. You still have about four hours of errands to run.”

I raised a brow. “You’re not even going to give the woman a moment of respite? She just got back from being kidnapped, Sunbutt. I doubt she wants to bother with wedding preparations at the moment.”

Cadance came to my defense. “Auntie, I’m not going to ask my savior to do something he doesn’t want to do. That just makes me feel like the biggest ingrate this side of the Gryphonian border.”

I leaned over and patted her shoulder. “You know what? Keep it reasonable and I’ll do it, though I want to be asked instead of told.”

Cadance looked confused. “Asked to be my attendant or asked to perform tasks?”

“Yes.” I nodded.

Shining looked like he was about to say something, but Celestia silenced him with a brow. “That sounds like a reasonable request. Max, do you want to be Cadance’s attendant until the wedding?”

“Sure, but I’m calling Cadance candy arse every time I see her.” I said finally.

Twilight squeezed my hand rather hard. “Does that mean what I think it means?”

“Yes, but just look at it! It just looks sweet!” I kept a straight face.

Shining cleared his throat and checked with Celestia to see if he was allowed to say something. She gave him a nod. “What does that even mean?”

“It’ll make you hate me more if I tell you, so I’ll keep that information to myself for now.” I nodded sagaciously.

Shining cut me a glare, but Cadance put a hand on his arm. “Dear, don’t worry about it too much. You always say that Max gets under your fur, so let him stay quiet for once.”

“It’s really for the best, Shiny.” Twilight sighed.

“I don’t know why you think it’s a bad thing, Twilight. I would love for a decent enough looking stallion to tell me that I have an attractive flank.” Celestia’s eyes switched from Twilight to me and I could see copious amounts of mirth. Decent enough? Fuck you.

Shining Armour took a moment to process that. When he did, Cadance started dragging him away before he could throw another punch and Twilight abused me until I made her look at Cadance’s perky posterior as they were walking away. After badgering her about it while being hit multiple times, Twilight told me that it was nice, but that mine was nicer in a shy voice. Celestia chuckled when she heard that and told us that we should go check up on the girls and see how they were getting along with their day.

I took my time walking along with Twilight, but once we started heading toward the kitchens, we ran into Cadance. She was embarrassed at being caught while making sure the wedding was being set up properly, but Twilight assured her that it was natural for a bride to be concerned about the goings on leading up to their wedding. I reminded Cadance that she could probably do with some rest, but she told me that she would rest later.

Applejack was doing a Hell of a job with ordering the kitchen staff around, tasting things occasionally and making sure that the ‘vittles’ we perfect down to the very last one. She was an orange blur, weaving around chefs and never staying in the same spot longer than a few seconds. I thought her work ethic was shining through just fine and Cadance loved the crap she came up with, so that was cool. I’d honestly thought that she would prefer something a bit more on the aristocratic side, but then I remembered that Cadance was more down-to-Earth than most of the girls.

We visited Rarity next and she showed Cadance some drawings and a few fleshed out prototypes that seemed to extend the visit for hours. I didn't give a single shit about whatever it was that they were talking about, so I wandered around for a little bit until Cadance asked me to go grab her something to drink. Rarity asked too, but she wasn’t very nice about it, so I told her to go get it herself and asked Cadance what she wanted. Rarity tried to whack me for being a prick, but a glare from Twilight stayed her hand and Cadance told me that she wanted some plum wine, preferably sweet. I fucked off to go get it, but I didn’t know where to find the shit. I ended up asking a maid to lead me to wherever they kept the wine and she offered to go and grab it for me. I thought that it would have defeated the purpose of making me Cadance’s bitch for the day, so I just had her lead me there and back since I was a little lost in the first place. My headache still hadn't abated completely and I wasn’t really paying attention to where I’d been going, so the maid was a Godsend.

When I came back, I found Cadance in a chair out cold. Twilight and Rarity told me to leave her alone, but I told them to shove it and asked Twilight to just teleport her to the room she was staying in. Twilight didn’t know where that was, so she teleported to Celestia and asked where it was. A minute or two later, Twilight showed up with a mild blush, saying that she had caught Celestia in the middle of 'changing'. I asked if she remembered to find out where Cadance’s room was and she said that she did, so we got her into bed and continued checking up on the girls.

Rainbow Dash was struggling to make the Rainboom thing happen consistently, so Twilight told her some shit about aerodynamics that made absolutely no sense to me since Pony science is retarded half the time. She said something about using Pegasus magic to break the air wall and I told her to try and make herself as narrow as possible since I was pretty sure that she was breaking the sound barrier. Between our advice, Rainbow started getting every other one to work, though she had to practice outside of town after the third one she’d gotten in a series shattered a bunch of windows in the middle of town.

Fluttershy was doing her thing with her animals and it seemed to be going well. The choir sounded nice and she sang along with them, filling in the words to the song. Her voice was quite pleasant, so I found a somewhere to stand and listen while out of sight for a little while. Twilight gave her a passing grade and praise for being talented, so after that, we moved onto Pinkie.

The Great Pink Menace already had everything set up. She was playing Pin The Tail on The Dragon by herself until we showed up and asked us to join her for a few more games while we were there. I had no reason to decline until Pinkie made an offhanded comment about Noir. Since it was just her, Twilight and myself in the room, I started asking questions.

“Okay, seriously, how did you know.” I asked in a low tone.

Pinkie shrugged. “I know a lot of things, like that time you almost slept with Princess Mi Amore Cadenza!”

Twilight’s breath caught. “What?”

I grimaced. “Yeah, the first time I met Cadance, I tried charming her. It worked, but we agreed that it would be something to discuss later.”

“...You almost slept with my brother’s fiance.” Twilight said.

I glanced off to the side. “...Yes?”

Twilight stared at me blankly. “You hate him.”

“Yeah, a little. The guy’s never shown me a modicum of kindness or respect.”

“Sleeping with the mare he intends on marrying would have been the ultimate slap in the face.” I know. That's why I didn't do it.

I shrugged. “I left it up to Cadance’s discretion and his permission. I have some morals.”

Twilight blinked slowly. “I’m… I’m really just surprised you didn’t go for her immediately. I don’t doubt that you could have talked your way into her bed if you really wanted to.”

“Keep in mind that I almost did. If Cadance wasn’t dating someone, then it’s likely that I might have made it there. Hell, I think the real reason she was considering it was because Shining had an affair.”

“Shining had an affair? My brother?” Twilight asked, shocked.

“According to Cadance a couple months ago; Yeah. I didn’t ask for much information beyond that.” Probably shouldn’t have brought that up.

Twilight just shook her head. “Wow… Well, I guess if you’re interested in Cadance…”

“Woah now, if you’re not okay with it, then I’m not laying so much as a finger on her.” I objected.

Twilight waved my concerns away. “I already know that you’ve been holding back a lot for me. Think of it as a reward for not going straight to Fluttershy or Rarity when I put you on punishment.”

“Still, I’d want Shining Armour’s permission before we did anything, and there’s no telling if Cadance still wants a piece of me.”

Pinkie Pie had been unusually silent while we were talking. “How could she not!? You saved her life and her wedding!”

Twilight and I looked at her. “The wedding part is the thing I’m concerned about.” I said. “If Cadance does want to sleep with me, I’m pretty sure it could do some serious damage to her relationship.”

“Well Shining really should have realized that Cadance wasn’t Cadance! Even I knew that!” Pinkie huffed.

“First, how do you even know about that? Second, why didn’t you say anything?” Twilight asked.

“I know things and I thought Max would figure it out!” Pinkie beamed.

“...You scare me, Pinkie.” I told her.

“Are you sure it’s not scarousal?” She asked, batting her eyelashes.

“Pinkie,” Twilight said severely, “what did I tell you about coming on to Max in front of me?”

Pinkie sighed. “To only do it if Max looks like he’s interested.”

“That’s weird. You girls are weird. Ponies are fucking weird.” I said, turning around and walking out of the room.

Twilight and Pinkie caught up to me soon enough and they started talking about some wedding plans that I didn’t really care about, so I pretty much just ignored anything that didn’t have my name in it. The day was closing quickly, but I still had shit to do, so I sent Twilight and Pinkie to collect the girls so they wouldn’t stay up too late. While they were gone, I went to go visit Celestia in her room (which smelled like her juices) and asked if I should be present for the negotiations with Chrysalis. She told me that, without any real political power, I wouldn’t really have much of a say in official business. It was better for me to just wait and hear the results, though she did ask if I wanted to be a bridesmaid instead of a bystander. I told her to go fuck herself, though she was quite confused as to why I wouldn’t want to be in the wedding.

I told her that I didn’t want any part of the matter, but that I was planning on bringing Nacht and the Warbling Blade with me when I Went and she asked if I would mind being something like Cadance’s personal bodyguard during the wedding. It would give me plenty of time to spend with Twilight since she was going to be around the bride and groom most of the day, so I agreed as long as I could poke someone if they started trouble. My request was denied and I was ordered to detain instead of maim, but I didn’t really have a problem with it.

Celestia sent me off to bed, however, I totally ignored her so I could say hi to Luna when she woke up. I got a hug from the lunatic and she told me that she would see me at the wedding, but that for the time being, I needed to go join Twilight in bed. I shrugged off the mild snub and went to go find my own lovely dose of purple rain. Luna teleported me to her once I came to her room after being lost for thirty minutes. No one had told me what room she was in, so I needed a little extra help.

One ‘pop’ later, and I was standing in front of a door. I knocked before I just up and opened it to find Shining Armour staring at me. Fucking shite “Wotcher.”

“Hi.” He replied. Well, at least he’s not pissed

We stood in awkward silence for a moment, so I stepped off to the side. He looked at me and said, “I wasn’t planning on leaving.”

“Were you planning on letting me in?” I asked.

He stepped out of the doorway and I walked in. Twilight was nowhere to be found, but I did realize that the room had obviously been decorated for Cadance when I walked in. “Alright, so I was supposed to be teleported to Twilight.”

Shining closed the door behind me. “I need to talk to you anyways. Let’s take this to the balcony.”

We crept around the bed where Cadance was peacefully snoozing away and Shining opened the door to the great outdoors as quietly as he could. Once the door was shut, I asked, “So what are who talking about? Twilight, Cadance, or us?”

He sighed. “Might as well get all three done in one shot. Where do you want to start?”

“Let’s go with Cadance since she should be the easiest.” I leaned over the railing and he followed suit after a moment. Shining didn’t say anything right away, so I broke the ice. “I don’t want anything for helping her out.”

He looked at me, surprised. “Really? You know it’s well within your right to ask for a reward.”

“Mate, ever since I’ve been in Equestria, the only thing I really want to do is help people. It usually benefits me in some way, but helping people in itself just makes me feel like I’m less of a piece of shit. Makes me feel like I’m worthy of being around.” I told him honestly.

“... I didn’t know that about you.” Shining said quietly.

I spread my fingers. “Few enough people do, though it’s mostly because of how I go about helping people. My way isn’t the nicest of them.”

“Princess Celestia read Chrysalis’ mind and told me about what you did to get her to talk. Even if she was an imposter, those were arrestable offenses.” He stated.

“Violating someone’s mind is a worse crime in my book.” I responded calmly.

“I feel the same way, but the Princess makes the rules. That, and I wish you would have done a lot worse.” He said darkly.

“If I didn’t have Celestia or Luna around, I would have.”

He nodded. “You’re too dangerous to be around my sister.”

“Mate, Twilight is dangerous. She’s not the little girl you knew anymore. She’s grown up into a beautiful woman, come into her own. Trust me when I say that she can take care of herself most days.”

Shining sighed. “I guess I just never stopped seeing her as my number one filly. I still don’t like the fact that she chose you.”

“We didn’t really choose to fall in love. Twilight’s just always been there for me, and something in my heart makes me want to do the same.” I explained.

“Care to give me an example?” He asked.

“...Since we’re getting all touchy feely, why not? After a rough night in Canterlot and a rougher morning after that, Celestia teleported me to Twilight’s house. I didn’t want to be there, so as I was leaving, Twilight caught me and told me to stay before I did something rash. She told me that we didn’t have to talk, but that she couldn’t let me be alone. Something made me ask her to never betray me and she promised me that without a doubt in her mind. She gave me a reasonable answer when I asked something unreasonable of her, and from there, I told her about my darkest secrets. She took them in and keeps them as her own now.”

“...So Twily listened when you needed somepony to talk to?”

“No, she was there for me in all the right ways as the problems popped up. It’s not just having someone to talk to.”

“...I get it. Cadance was there for me when I accidentally killed a pony, but she didn’t ask me to talk about it.”

I nodded. “They’re both wise beyond their years.”

“They really are. So what do you like about Twilight?”

“Her intelligence is a big one, but her fierce loyalty is even more respectable. Twilight’s compassion and insight are great too, but what I really love is how goofy she is sometimes.” I chuckled.

Shining gave me an odd look. “Goofy? Like how?”

“Have you ever seen her dance? It’s simply awful, but I’ve never seen someone enjoy the simple act of moving so much. She also likes to try and be flirty, but she’s so obviously uncomfortable with anything sexual that I just kiss her to save her the embarrassment. I’d never judge her for anything she does, but the fact that she thinks she can embarrass me is endearing all the same.” I looked up at the stars and sighed because cliches.

He shook his head. “Twily’s never been much for dancing, but I have to ask…”

I looked at him. “Go ahead. Anything’s on the table.”

“Have you two…?” He left the question unasked.

“The answer’s still no. We’re waiting until we get married.” I informed him.

“Is that her idea or yours?” He asked, trying to maintain a neutral tone.

“She’s tried to initiate it before, but I just didn’t think she was ready. I guess you could say it was my idea.”

“You turned her down?” Shining asked incredulously.

“Not outright, I just postponed things.”

“...You’re not the stallion I thought you were.” He said softly.

“You never gave me a chance to be anything but.” I said drily.

“In my defense, she’s my only sister.”

“That’s not a real excuse for threatening someone the first time you meet them.”

“...Fair enough. I’m sorry I’ve been such a buckhead to you.” Shining said earnestly.

“Don’t worry about it.” I replied simply.

We stood in silence for a little bit until Shining said, “So why did you get her a ring if you’re not engaged?”

I pulled the other one out of my pocket. I kept it on me, just in case the right moment arrived. “Because this is the engagement ring. I just wanted to get Twilight something nice to show her that I care.”

Shining gave it a good look. “It’s nice. Those stones are beautifully cut too.”

I nodded. “That’s why I went with the design. It’s simple, but beautiful. Kinda like Twilight.”

Shining nodded and there was some more tasty silence. I figured the conversation wasn’t over so I waited for him to say something else. “You know, a few weeks ago, Cadance asked me something.”

“What was it?” I inquired.

“She asked if she could sleep with another stallion before we got married.” I have a funny feeling I know where this is going.

“Did she, now? That’s interesting.”

He nodded. “She said she had one in mind. She met him a couple months ago, and she liked the way he treated her. She said he treated her like a pony instead of a princess.” Aw shit. Don’t try me, mate.

“Royalty tend to appreciate that after awhile. It’s why I’m friends with Celestia and Luna.” I replied.

“...You’re the stallion she’s talking about, aren’t you?”

I pursed my lips. “Probably. Don’t worry, mate, I’m not going to touch her without your permission.”

Shining put his head on his arms and stared straight ahead. “It’s only fair. I wasn’t exactly the best special somepony. I cheated on her with some random mare I don’t even remember, and it’s unfair of me to ask her to only be satisfied with me.”

“Talk to her about how you feel when she wakes up. The wedding isn’t until the day after tomorrow, right? We’re holding off on the events so she can get a day to collect herself. Take the time to chat with her about it.”

“I already have. I agreed to let her do it as long as she told me who it was before she did it. That wasn’t fair of me either, but it’s…” He sighed. “I can’t trust her to just anypony, you know?”

I nodded. “I understand fully. I would need to meet that person if Twilight ever wanted to sleep with someone else.”

More silence. I decided to break it this time. “So what made you want to talk to me?”

He gave me an ‘are you serious’ look. “You saved my fiance’s life and my relationship with her. I owe you.”

Something crossed my mind. “Did you learn how long Chrysalis has been masquerading as Cadance?”

“About a week and a half now. Why do you ask?”

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Shining narrowed his eyes before widening them. Suddenly, he was leaning over the balcony, expelling his dinner from his stomach. I rubbed his back and waited until he stopped dry heaving. “I can’t bucking believe it. I bucked a monster.” Shining turned around and slid his back down the railing.

“Probably shouldn’t have brought that up.” I said tenderly.

“No… No, it’s good that you did. I need to talk to Cadance about that.” He buried his face in his hands and levelled out his breathing. “Dear Celestia, how do I explain that I didn’t notice an imposter and that I slept with it?”

“It wouldn’t surprise me if she’s been using some kind of magic to make you pay less attention to those kinds of things. Has she cast any spells on you in the past week and a half?” I asked.

“Yeah, a lot of them. I thought she was just getting rid of my headaches, but it’s entirely possible. We need to have somepony check.” He said numbly.

I offered him and hand up and we entered the his room just as quietly as we’d left it, making quick headway to Night Court. Sadly, it was closed for the wedding, so Shining and I had to hunt Luna down for ourselves and we eventually found out that she was in her room. I noticed that few of the Night Guards seemed to actually like Shining Armour, though I didn’t comment on it since it seemed unimportant. In any case, Luna didn’t want to see any visitors, but when I threatened to knock a hole in the door, I found myself surrounded by spears and swords until Shining told them to calm down. I told them that pointing sharp shit at me was a quick way to get killed until they died to death of being slain and Luna came to the door, annoyed by the fuss outside. She let me in, but told Shining to stay outside until I told her that I needed her to check if Shining’s mind had been tampered with. After a five minute diagnostic spell, she confirmed that someone had been making Shining turn a blind eye to Chrysalis’ bullshit.

Shining shed a tear in relief that he hadn't just been a dumbass and Luna shooed him away so she could talk to me. I thought her method of dismissing him was a little rude, but Luna wanted to ask how Noir and I were getting along. I mentioned that I knew what Noir tasted like, but that there was little beyond that as far as our relationship went. Luna asked me how I knew what Noir’s flesh tasted like and I told her that I knew what a certain part of her tasted like. Her face lit up when she realized what I was talking about and asked if Noir had been in estrus or something. Something was off when she asked about that, so I told her that Noir couldn’t really go into estrus.

(Ctrl+F Scene Is Over to Skip)

Luna asked if I’d be willing to help her out with something and I was immediately suspicious because she’d just brought up estrus. My suspicions proved correct when Luna asked if she could change me into Roxy so I could show her how to… Apply, some of the toys Celestia had provided her for their month of estrus. Apparently, Alicorns were only subjected to the wild throes of estrus once a year, but in exchange for having to deal with it less often, it was usually more intense and lasted the aforementioned month. Luna had been scraping by up until now and she needed some relief, so I accepted the awkward task of teaching a four thousand year old princess how to masturbate.

She asked me to keep it a secret between the two of us, but I still want to record it since it was a terribly interesting event. Luna and I teleported back to my house so we would have some privacy and so that I could use some of my own toys. We stripped down in my bedroom, though I had to put on some undergarments so I wouldn’t be the only one completely naked and I showed Luna how to use a simple wired rotor. She wasn’t terribly fond of it, so I showed her a plain black dildo that she wasn’t terribly fond of using in front of me, so I pulled out the wireless rotor I used for Twilight and myself on occasion. I had her cast a cleaning spell on it and dropped it in her hands, inviting her to place it wherever she wanted. Luna didn’t let me watch, but it took her too long for her to just place it against her lips, so I started her off nice and slow. After showing her how to work the controller, I gave her a little butt plug that had been languishing away in my closet and some lube to help her along, but Luna couldn’t get it in.

We’d agreed that we wouldn’t touch each other and that this was simply a 'normal thing' that friends would do for each other, so imagine my surprise when Luna asked me to help her put it in. I protested, saying that I would need to touch her in very inappropriate ways, but Luna pleaded with me and said that she was willing to try anything to get some satisfaction at all. I gave in after arguing for about ten minutes and agreed to help her get it in, but she hadn't lubed herself up like I’d advised, evidenced by the fact that only the crotch of her knickers were wet.

I chastised her for not following my directions, but she didn’t really have anything to say. I ordered her to bend over so we could get this over with and she meekly complied, acting rather strangely. She’d been quite submissive during the entire ordeal, which I thought was rather odd, and when I went to apply the lubrication to the area that needed it, I found that she was completely relaxed, giving her arse over to me while I made sure she wouldn’t feel any more discomfort than the usual. I mean, having something put in your bum is rarely pleasant, but Luna didn’t seem to mind all that much.

The room had filled with the scent of her arousal and I was certain that she’d never taken the rotor out, but I didn’t comment on it. I kept my head cool and avoided looking at anything other than her arse, though I was sure that Luna wouldn’t have minded too terribly if I just ripped her knickers off and went to town. I rolled my eyes at my thoughts and eased the butt plug into her, and once it was in, Luna had an entertaining orgasm. I hadn't really thought of her in a sexual way since we’d first met, but my original impression was still an opinion I held; Her beauty rivalled Celestia’s, even if she wasn’t as well endowed.

Luna apologized profusely for cumming while I was just trying to help her out, even going so far as to slip into her archaic mode of speech. I assured her that I’d known she would probably get off while I was teaching her how to use some of this stuff and she thanked me for being understanding. Once Luna had something in both places, she said that she couldn’t get the rotor out. I told her to remove it with magic and she said that she couldn’t do to the stimulation, and since my fingers were smaller than hers, it only made sense for me to do it for her. I told her that it wasn’t happening and that she could turn the rotor off long enough to get her focus, but she only did so after I gave her permission. Once she had it out, I gave her a wired rotor and told her to try it again, but this time, to crank the vibrations all the way up. She gave me an eager look before doing exactly as I’d asked while I averted my eyes, and by the time I found something else I thought she’d like, she came again.

She apologized again for cumming without my permission and I told her that I was going to spank her if she couldn’t control herself. Luna said that she wouldn’t submit to something so degrading, but I didn’t miss the light in her eyes when I said that I would mix in a little pain.

I never thought I was going to use that paddle. I stand corrected.

Luna loved every precious spank and even taunted me to hit her harder while she rode out orgasm after orgasm. By the time I was done, I felt incredibly dirty and Luna was whimpering into my comforter, her rosy red arse high in the air. She’d insisted that she leave the plug in while I spanked her, and I had no reason to tell her to take it out, so that was that. I could tell that she wanted more than to learn how to use some toys and a spanking at this point, but I was unwilling to give her much more than I already had. Once she recovered from her ass whooping, Luna asked if she could watch me use the biggest dildo I had. I informed her that I was still a virgin as a woman and she gave me an odd look, asking why I hadn't found myself a stallion or at least used something penetrative on myself. I told her that it just didn’t seem that appealing to me, so I never bothered with it.

She’d had her fill when she asked why I never actually put anything inside of myself, so she turned me back into my usual self after getting dressed and magicking herself and my toys clean. Luna allowed me to change in privacy like I’d done for her, though I knew she wanted to sneak a peek and see where it went from there. It wasn't as though I didn't want to add Luna to my list of Royal Conquests, but I really just couldn’t allow myself to go any further than we already had. Twilight gave me permission to do certain things without telling her about them as long as I didn’t have sex in any form with whoever I was doing things with, so I honored our agreement.

We teleported back to the Castle and Luna started hiding some of her toys, though I noticed that she had a wireless rotor on her bed that didn’t seem like one of mine. I bid Luna goodnight and asked her if she could teleport me to Twilight since I still had no idea where she was. Luna did as I asked, but before she sent me off, she requested that she be able to call me ‘Sir’ in private. I didn’t have a problem with it beyond the obvious, so I asked her what the deal was. Luna told me that she liked it when I told her what to do and that she was even more ecstatic when I spanked her. She blushed furiously while saying this and kept her eyes on the ground, but I was too busy being surprised that someone as lethal as Luna was a sub instead of a dom.

Shit was weird.

(Ctrl+F Scene Is Over to Skip)

I told Luna I’d think about being her dom and left it at that for the time being. She teleported me straight into Twilight’s room after thanking me and I looked around. Twilight was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling when I came in. She had a few questions about the Chrysalis thing that she needed clarified, like how I’d convinced her to come into a room alone with me and how she’d managed to fool Shining. I shared the information I had and asked Twilight if she would be surprised if I started something with Luna. Twilight said that she would be, in fact, quite surprised if I started giving Luna sex, but I explained to her that I wasn’t doing sexuals to Luna, just sexual things.

We had a complicated conversation about the ins and outs of BDSM as I understood them and Twilight asked if we could try spanking or orgasm deprivation sometime. I had no reason to disagree, but now just wasn’t the time. Twilight agreed and asked me if I’d had fun with Luna, but I told her that I couldn’t really tell. It had been a strange feeling to dominate someone that could and would kill me if I ever became too powerful, but it wasn’t all that bad. It wasn’t something that I would mind doing again, though I wished that I’d known what I was getting into.

We eventually took our happy asses to sleep, though it wasn’t like we had to do anything tomorrow besides keep track of what was going on. I would probably be stuck next to Cadance all day and Twilight would be doing same, so I told her that I loved her before closing my eyes and visiting dreamland.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next day was boring as shit. Rarity finished up the wedding dresses, Applejack had the menu figured out, Pinkie was revising her party, Rainbow could pull off a Sonic Rainboom with decent consistency, Fluttershy’s choir still sounded great, and I’d had to listen to Cadance talk to every one of them. Our entire morning and a chunk of the afternoon was spent doing little other than talking, and I was chastised by Twilight and Cadance for looking bored throughout most of the day. I asked them if they just wanted me to lie to their faces about how I felt and they told me yes, so I oversold the act and eventually got kicked out of the Castle and into the Gardens for being obnoxious. I took the time to consider what they had been wearing since I hadn't really paid attention while we were walking. Cadance had looked quite nice in a stately dress that matched her color scheme quite well, though I felt like she could use a bit more in the chest area to help fill it out, not that I was looking. Twilight’s outfit had actually garnered most of my attention throughout the day since she was wearing a lovely indigo blouse, a black skirt that went to mid thigh, and a pair of thigh highs with some lace on the top. I thought they both looked fantastic, but Twilight was the clear winner

I strolled about the Gardens for a little bit and talked to some of the animals since most of them were actually really relaxed. I asked them why that was and they told me that it was because they were all technically pets, which aligned with something that Lupa had told me some time ago. Philomena the Phoenix actually came down from Celestia’s room to do some flying and I admired his majesty as he flew around while I laid down in some grass because it was nice out. I stayed there until I heard two sets of hoofsteps coming to me, but I didn’t feel like being bothered so I closed my eyes. Once they stopped, I opened my eyes to see Twilight and Cadance standing over me.

“Nice panties, can I sniff ‘em?” I asked flippantly.

Twilight knelt next to me and flicked my forehead. “Stop saying whatever comes to mind and get up. You’re supposed to be guarding Cadance.”

“I was doing that until I got kicked out, remember? Some ladies thought I was being too excited about a royal wedding or what the fuck ever this is.”

Cadance knelt on my other side. “You’re a difficult stallion at the best of times.”

“Actually, at his best, he’s one of the most thoughtful stallions around. He just defaults to being difficult because he’s lazy.” Twilight corrected.

I sat up and scooted back so that I could look at both of them at once. “Are we going to keep talking about how amazing I am, or are we going to go do something?”

Cadance and Twilight traded a look. “Actually, Twilight and I had a discussion while you’ve been out here.”

“Do you remember what we talked with Pinkie about yesterday? When you told me about the first time you met Cadance?” Wait, does this mean…?

“...Yeah, I remember. What of it?”

“Well, Cadance and I had a talk…” Twilight said. Hopes rising

“A long talk.” Cadance added. Interest piquing.

“And we thought we’d ask you how you felt about a-a…” Twilight trailed off. Don't stop now, I'm at half mast!

“What Twilight is trying to say is that she wants to watch while we… You know… If you’re willing, that is!” She added quickly.

I tried to make my face stop twitching, but my cheeks wouldn’t listen to me and it was ever so difficult to to not jump for joy. I had three parties giving me permission to lay a princess. “You know what? Give me some time to think about it.”

They traded a surprised look. “But… I thought you were interested if you had permission!” Twilight said a bit more loudly than necessary.

“I just said I need a little time is all.” I was struggling to maintain the facade, so I stood up and walked over toward the edge of the Gardens. I didn’t see anyone in sight when Iooked around, so I thrust my arms into the air and shouted, “FUCKING YES!” at the top of my lungs.

I returned to the ladies with a flat face. “I gave it some thought.”

Cadance looked at me like I’d done the goofiest thing she’d ever seen and Twilight just shook her head, smiling at my antics. “What did you decide on?” Cadance asked needlessly.

I shrugged. “I mean, I guess I could do that for you girls. The answer is yes.”

They both rolled their eyes, though Cadance said, “Thank you. I know it’s greedy of me to ask you to do something like this, but I wanted to sleep with another stallion before I got married and the only candidate I had was you.”

“No problem. If saving princesses gets me kinky threesomes, then I’m totally down for the work.” I grinned. “So when are we doing the thing?”

Twilight and Cadance took a moment to confer among themselves. Twilight faced me and said, “Well, we have an hour right now if we hurry.”

I raised a brow. “An hour is a quickie at best.”

Cadance blushed. “That’s longer than I’ve ever had.”

Twilight looked at her. “Really? Max and I usually take two hours if we have the time.”

Cadance choked and blushed harder. “T-Two hours?”

I nodded. “Yeah. One for me, one for Twilight.”

Candy arse looked between us. “H-How- You two are worse than rabbits!”

Twilight blushed. “We don’t do it all the time! We only do that kind of stuff a few times a week!”

“You do it more than once a week!?” Cadance asked, her shoulders slumping.

I shook my head. “Twilight, fix Cadance’s schedule so we can get an extra half hour for foreplay-”

“A half hour for foreplay?” Cadance asked incredulously.

“...Alright, make sure I add talking to Shining to my itinerary too.” I said after a moment.

Twilight blushed. “I really don't know how I feel about you talking to my brother, who’s older than you by the way, about sex.”

“Cadance, have you ever had an orgasm from sex?” I asked.

“...Am I supposed to?”

“That’s what I thought. That talk is happening, Twilight.” I said firmly.

She put her hand to her mouth. After moment, she placed that hand on her cheek. “That’s the weirdest thought ever. I’m not even going to talk about it. I’ll see what I can shift around while you two head to our room. You remember where it is, right?” You were thinking about me fucking Shiny, weren't you?

“I do. We’ll meet you there.” I said.

Twilight nodded and teleported somewhere or other while Cadance was busy being in shock. I gave her a moment, but got bored so I tapped her shoulder and pointed a thumb in the direction of the Castle. Cadance shook her head, though her blush was still rather bright. We made decent time as we headed through the Castle and I asked candy arse about her job. She told me that she was the soon to be princess of a land to the north of Gryphonia, which was pretty cool if you asked me. I tried to keep the conversation light as we walked so she wouldn’t get cold feet, but I knew what Cadance’s mind was on.

When we were alone in the halls, she had a few questions. “So, Max…”

“Yes, candy arse?”

She pursed her lips at the nickname. “Are you really okay with Twilight watching? I talked to her about it, but is it okay with you?”

“I don’t see why it wouldn’t be. I plan on making you into an example.” I gave her a predatory grin.

Cadance flushed. “W-What do you mean?”

“I mean I’m going to give you my best, and I’m willing to bet that Twilight’s going to enjoy the show.”

She stopped in her tracks. “You’re not going to do anything weird, are you?”

“Depends on what you consider weird. Don’t think about it too hard and just let me take care of you for now. Afterwards, you might want to talk to Celestia about getting the most out of your man.” I suggested.

Cadance started walking again. “I trust you, but I’m a little nervous about letting Twilight see me naked. I mean, the last time we bathed together was when we she was a filly!”

“Wait, was watching Twilight’s idea?” I asked.

Cadance nodded. “I thought it was a little strange at first, but she said that she wants to know exactly what happens during sex. I guess I can’t be surprised with her curiosity.”

I chuckled. “It’s just how she’s always been. You know, I’ve only ever seen her completely naked once, and we were both hammered at the time. Even if she changes clothes in front of me, she always does the top first and the bottom last.”

“Well, it’s natural for a mare to be choosy with who sees her undressed.”

Cadance and I talked about that for a little bit while we walked, switching from subject to subject, but staying on sexual topics while we were alone. On the odd occasion we’d come across someone in the halls, we both knew how to come up with random topics and continue on like we hadn't been talking about them at all in the first place. It was fun to have someone as verbally sneaky as I was, and while I was thinking about that, we nearly passed my and Twilight’s room.

While we waited, I did some pushups and squats to pass the time. I eventually convinced Cadance to join me because maintaining physical condition is fun, but she stopped before she could break a sweat. I was perfectly fine since it was rather cool in the room anyways, so I continued doing what I was doing until Twilight teleported in on top of me. She ended up losing her balance on my back while I was doing a set of pushups and squashed me on the floor though I was alright.

“Sorry, Max!” She said from my spine.

I held up a thumb. “S’all good.”

Twilight stood up and I rose. Her eyes wandered over my bare chest as they usually do and she pulled me to her, giving me a fantastic kiss before pushing me away. “Alright. I’m ready when you two are. I managed to get us two full hours.”

I turned to face Cadance who was sitting on the bed, looking rather nervous. “I guess I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.”

I shrugged walked over to her, kneeling. I took her hand in mine and kissed it. “Let me know if you’re uncomfortable, okay? I’ve got too much in my repertoire for me to let you stay that way long.”

Cadance nodded and gave me an anxious smile. “Thank you, Max. So where do we start-”

I didn’t let her get any further. I pressed my lips against hers gently, warding off anymore needless talking.

(Ctrl+F Scene2 Is Over to Skip)

I started slowly to get a sense of where Cadance’s level of intimacy lie, but after thirty seconds of incredibly tame kissing, I decided to slip her some tongue and she tensed up when I prodded her’s with mine. I moved one of my hands from her shoulder to her waist and pulled her up so that we were standing. Cadance was inexperienced with French kisses, so I took control with no problem and had her lightly panting through her nose in a matter of minutes.

It was a bit odd that her hands stayed at her sides, so I grabbed them and placed them around my neck before cupping her face with one of my own, adjusting the angle so I could work my magic just a little bit better. Cadance’s breathing started to get a little ragged, so I nibbled on her lip as I pulled away and she gasped for some reason. I was sure that she had absolutely no idea where to go from there, so I took her hands from my neck and placed them on my chest, making her bite her lip as she traced the definition in my muscles.

“Cadance, love, you can put your hands wherever you want. Do a little exploring.”

She immediately looked down. “Can I-”

“Not quite yet. Anywhere else is fine.”

She gave me a pouty look, but she seemed to be content with feeling me up just about anywhere else anyway. I stepped in a little closer and locked lips with her again so I could unzip her dress, but this time, she kissed back with an eagerness that couldn’t be ignored. I’d sparked a fire in Cadance and I knew the perfect way to stoke. My hands found her zipper and she pulled away once I couldn’t get it to go down any further, but Twilight shored up our faults with a little magic from the sidelines. I gave her a thumbs up while snogging Cadance some more and helped her out of her dress after a few more minutes of kissing. She couldn’t get the obstacle out of the way fast enough and kicked it off to the side when she did.

I took a moment to examine her choice in lingerie: Pink, yellow, and purple lace that blended well together and covered enough while revealing just the right amount. I allowed my hands to wander over her body, taking in every centimeter of her gentle curves and slim physique until I let them rest on either breast. I reached behind her with one hand and twisted the strap loose with a practiced ease, surprising her considerably. Her bra fell away since there were no shoulder straps and I made our lips meet again, allowing the soft, warm fur of her breasts brush against my chest.

Cadance’s heart shaped bottom was just calling out for attention, so I grabbed each cheek firmly and Cadance let out a noise that was somewhere between a moan and a squeak, but I’d had enough of the softcore stuff. I broke contact and she gave me a confused look before I gently pushed her onto the bed, climbing on top of her so I could give her some special attention. I placed a knee between her legs and lifted her thigh because I wanted to and no one was going to stop me. With that little distraction out of the way, I started kissing her collarbones, peppering them with the lightest touches of my lips and gently blowing on them with warm breath. I could hear Cadance’s breath hitch and waver as I moved onto her neck, but when I moved my hand to her breast, she placed hers over mine and lead my fingers to her nipples.

It was the first time she’d taken some initiative, so I was happy to oblige, gently tweaking the little nub, eliciting a pleasant moan from her while I gave her my attention. I lightly nipped and nibbled on her neck for a few more minutes, hearing someone else’s breathing pick up. I lifted my head to see Twilight staring at us hard with her hands pressed firmly between her legs, so I gave her a smile and a wink. She responded by undoing my belt with magic, so I took a quick break from giving Cadance the best foreplay she’d ever had to jump out of my trousers.

She sat up when I disengaged, but when I met her lips again, she seemed like she was ready to go. Her hand found my member the moment I knelt next to her on the bed and my own hand stroked the insides of her thighs. When my caresses took me too close to the end goal, I noticed that her knickers were sodden already, despite me not actually touching her lower lips at all. Once I noticed that, I figured I could bear to speed things up a little bit, so I took Cadance’s hand from my shaft and got off the bed, confusing her even as I knelt between her legs.

“M-Max? What are you doing?” She asked breathlessly.

I raised a brow. “If you don’t know, then that’s a shame. Lay back and just let me take care of it, okay?”

She glanced over to Twilight who must have given her a positive response since she did as I asked. I slid my hands up her legs and down again, mussing up her fur slightly as I did so, but when I reached for her knickers, Cadance sat back up.

“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” She asked.

Twilight cleared her throat. “Give him a moment.”

I grinned at Twilight and gave her a slight nod before pulling Cadance’s panties off, finally getting a good look at her special Princess parts. A hunger from deep within told me to give her a lick before allowing her to spread her legs, and when I did, the hunger only grew. Cadance shivered hard and gripped the blanket on the bed tightly, relaxing and tightening her hands as I spread her legs for easier access. Her lips were moist, so I did what came naturally and licked the outer edges, collecting her dew on my tongue. I wasn’t all that surprised to find that she tasted a bit like strawberry taffy, which wasn’t really a bad thing. It wasn’t my favourite flavour in the world, but it was fine for now.

Cadance shivered and jerked as I started working my way inward, but my focus was broken by the soft sound of hoofsteps coming closer. I figured Twilight was interested in having a better look, so I spread Cadance’s lips and gave her a lick from her entrance to her clit, flicking the somewhat large nub with my tongue a few times before shifting the hood back to expose it to my ministrations. Cadance let out a low moan when I latched onto the sensitive button and I could feel the heat radiating from lower down grow slightly warmer. She arched her back slightly and her breathing became uneven, but I never stopped my assault on her for a moment. Once she calmed down enough, I eased a finger into her soaked entrance to find that she was rather tight, so I tried easing a second finger into her and she let out a lovely noise. Placing my hand a few inches below her navel, I used my fingers to search for her G-Spot, and once I found it, I rubbed the familiar little bump while flicking my tongue over the node I loved so much.

My efforts paid off as she came again, though it was far more impressive this time and I struggled to keep up my good work as she thrashed about, nearly kicking Twilight who’d knelt next to me. The purple unicorn backed off a little bit, her face a furious red. I took a moment to check her hands and saw that they were still dry, so I spent a moment catching my breath and teasing Cadance while she twitched and spasmed from time to time.

“Oh dear Celestia.” She said, panting hard.

“Twilight told you that you’d like it.” I smirked and rose, shedding my drawers.

Cadance made a noise that didn’t mean anything, so I shrugged and started thinking of the position I wanted to take her in. Missionary was out of the question entirely and my personal favourite, butterfly, wouldn’t have given Twilight a very good view, so I rose and pulled her legs closed before leaning them off to the side . Cadance lifted her head for a moment, but dropped it before she could say anything and Twilight moved out of my way so I could finally give Cadance what she’d asked for. I pressed my tip against her entrance and rubbed it against the length of her slit a few times, coating my member in her juices before I started easing my way in.

The candy coated princess just moaned once I had my tip in and I remembered that her G-Spot would be easily accessible from this position, so I debated on whether or not I should give her the time of her life or show Twilight the soft side of making love. I decided to go with a bit of both and eased about half of my length in, finding that Cadance just got tighter the further I went along. She made some whimpers that told me to be a bit more gentle, but I figured that two orgasms and plenty of lubrication had given her time to soften up a bit, so I thrust the last few inches of my member into her at once and Cadance came on me, tightening up to the point where I couldn’t even move for fear of hurting myself.

I stood there, buried in Cadance up to the hilt, so I decided to have a little more fun since I couldn’t really do anything else. I held my hand out to Twilight and she got the idea rather quickly, taking my middle and index fingers into the moist, demanding chasm of her mouth. She licked on them a little longer than I thought was necessary, but I was willing to bet that she herself was ready for some release. Speaking of, Cadance’s walls released me when Twilight let me have my hand back, so I pulled out until I left the tip in her and thrusted in once, giving it to her hard. Cadance cried out ass she tightened up again, but this time, I used my newly lubricated fingers to explore the dank depths.

Cadance’s eyes shot open like I’d stabbed her and her arse tightened around my fingers, but her maidenhood loosened up enough for me to begin slowly thrusting into her. Cadance let out a weak moan and grabbed my hand with hers.

“I-I don’t think…” She gasped for air.

I removed my fingers and wiped them on the blanket since I don’t eat arse. “Something to try another time.

Twilight rose from her position on the floor, staring at the point where Cadance and I were connected the entire time. She sat on the bed next to Cadance and I rolled the older woman over so that her legs were together, high in the air. Twilight kept her hands folded tightly as I started thrusting again, though I could smell two different unique scents in the air, and I was willing to bet that there would be a wet spot when Twilight rose. I was not, however, expecting her to unfold her hands and lift her skirt up a bit before laying down next to Cadance. I continued thrusting at the same slow pace, making sure to fill Cadance with every go while Twilight lifted her skirt a bit and showed me that she was wearing panties that matched her outfit.

Her arousal stained the dark fabric, and when she started reaching down to feel her most private area, I brushed her hand away for a moment and felt for myself, managing to keep up my efforts with Cadance and split my attention between the two. Twilight removed her knickers herself and spread her legs as much as she could given the limited space. I took the hint and set myself on autopilot for a moment so I could caress Twilight’s dripping sex. Unlike Cadance’s, her clit was exposed, so I started there, lubing my fingers with her nectar so I could give her pleasure in the way I knew she liked. Twilight let out a small moan when I started giving her some attention, so I got myself started on her and turned my attention back to Cadance.

The Princess was looking at Twilight with interest, so I picked up my pace a little bit while still giving her my full length. Cadance continued her whimpering as I thrust into her, though it took a little longer for her to have another orgasm. The wait was well worth it since it was the biggest one yet, and seeing Cadance cum encouraged Twilight. I don’t know if they’d suddenly synced up, but as Cadance was riding into her climax, she and Twilight grabbed each other’s hands. Less than a second later, they both cried out at the same time with Cadance tightening on my member again and Twilight spilling her nectar on my fingers.

I was so tempted to pull out and give Twilight a taste of what I’d given Cadance, but I reminded myself over and over again that now just wasn’t the time, despite the pleading look that Twilight was giving me. Cadance must have sensed my desires subconsciously, because she chose that moment to wrap her legs around me and pull me in close. While I was immobilized by Cadance, I kept my fingers working on Twilight, teasing her entrance and occasionally giving her the tip until she grabbed my hand and forced it inside of her. She winced when I curled my finger upward to avoid breaking her hymen, but she let my hand go and I was aware of how deep I could reach now.

Cadance eased up enough to allow me some movement, but just as I started thrusting, I heard the door open behind me. I froze in place before slowly turning my head to see Shining Armour standing there. I took my hand away from Twilight like he had a gun on me, but other than that, I didn’t move at all.

“...This is a bad time.” He said sluggishly.

“This is a real bad time, mate.” I replied.

“I’m just going to… Yeah…” Shining locked the door, checked it, and closed it behind him.

I looked back to Twilight and Cadance. The former looked mortified and the latter was trying make me keep going, so I shrugged and picked up the hint like it was a shilling on the street. Twilight saw that we did not give a single fuck, but her legs were tightly closed as they had been when she’d heard the door start to open, so I licked her juices from my fingers and started rubbing her thigh comfortingly, though I was sure that she didn’t notice. I stopped thrusting into Cadance and pulled out, gesturing for her to roll over onto her stomach. Once she did, I grabbed her hips and she tried to hold herself up, but she had no strength in her arms, so she was face down when I inserted myself into her.

Twilight snapped out of her reverie to look at Cadance as the poor woman tried to hold herself up, rocking her hips into mine as I thrusted, trying to make me go deeper. Twilight shook her head and copied Cadance, leaving me with two wonderful arses to look at as much as I pleased. I started with Twilight again while taking care of Cadance, though I went slowly to get her back in the mood. I was surprised to find that she got back into the swing of things quickly enough, though in the time it took her to do so, Cadance had another climax and I was starting to get close myself.

From doggystyle, I could actually keep moving while Cadance was tightening up, so I picked up my speed as she was orgasming and pistoned my member into her like I was on the brink. I gave Twilight a little extra since I wanted the three of us to get to the big one at the same time, so I had her move a little bit so I could finger her honeypot and rub her clit more easily, though that got her off in about seven minutes. I tried keeping up the pace with Cadance, but having Twilight cum again had incensed me to the point where it wouldn’t be long until I came myself. I slowed down my thrusting and started grinding harder on Twilight’s G-Spot, making her cry out in bliss. While focusing on bringing them up to my level, I held out a little bit longer, but I still ended up cumming seconds before they did.

I released shot after shot deep into Cadance. Before I could finishing expending my load, she and Twilight grabbed each other’s hands again and cried out in unison, Twilight gushing more of her nectar and Cadance squeezing out every last drop of my seed from my member. I leaned back to catch my breath, but Cadance pushed her hips into me, not allowing me to soften or pull out with magic. Twilight kept my fingers inside of her the same way when I tried to reclaim my hand, so I resigned myself to my fate and tried not to twitch too hard when Cadance’s walls randomly squeezed me.

While I was just standing around, I asked, “Who wants to let up on the magic so I can get back to doing what I was doing?”

Cadance and Twilight looked at each other and back to me. I didn’t get an answer from either of them, so I did what any other man would do: I stuck a finger in each of their arses. I was released instantly and started going again, but Cadance moaned.

“Too sensitive!”

Twilight sighed and started backing off of the bed, falling to her knees when she tried to stand. I pulled out of Cadance and tried to give her a hand up, but Twilight waddled her way over to her former babysitter’s exposed entrance and watched as my seed spilled from her for a few moments. Imagine my surprise (and arousal) when Twilight pushed herself up to lap up the white liquid from Cadance’s honeypot, wiggling her tongue in deeper to get every last drop. Cadance let out a sexy moan and shivered continuously while Twilight ate her out and I just watched the spectacle at full mast again.

Once she had gotten as much as she could, Twilight turned to me and opened her mouth, showing me the ludicrous amount she’d collected. I’d known that there was plenty to go around, but I hadn't expected to give her a damn near literal mouthful. Twilight closed her mouth started climbing back onto the bed, rolling Cadance over onto her side so she could give her a kiss. My brows raised as I watched the two exchange the load between each other, but with Twilight taking the lead. It was sexier than just about anything else I’d ever seen to watch her in control of someone that had once been in charge of her for some reason that I don’t really understand. Not that it mattered much to me: I was enjoying myself far too much to not try to commit every second to memory.

Once they’d had their fun, I saw each of them swallow and Twilight gave me a half lidded look. “How was that for taking initiative?”

I clapped softly. “ ‘A plus’ for effort, showmanship, execution, and overall sexiness.”

Cadance rolled onto her back. “Wow.”

“‘Wow’ what?” Twilight and I asked in unison.

“‘Wow’ as in I never thought sex could be like that.” She said

Twilight chuckled. “That’s just Max, if other mare’s opinions are anything to go by. I can honestly say the only time he doesn’t leave me walking a bit funny is when we have to do something afterwards.”

I went to sit on the bed next to Twilight, but she rolled over and had me lay down in between her and Cadance. “I’ve gotta say, that was fucking awesome.”

The ladies chuckled and Twilight put her head on my chest. “So who was the pony that walked in on us?”

I rubbed her ears and she sighed. “You don’t want to know, cherry.”

“I really hope he didn’t recognize us.” Cadance sighed.

“I might’ve gotten hit if he did.” I commented. “I thought we locked the door when we came in.”

“We didn’t. We thought Twilight was going to walk in, remember?”

“Oh yeah.” I said loquaciously.

“Seriously, who was that?” Twilight asked. “I mean, I don’t want to be caught doing this kind of stuff by anypony, but you two seem to think that it was like, the worst possible pony.”

“It really was.” I sighed.

“...Please don’t tell me it was Shining.” Twilight pleaded.

Cadance and I shut up.

“Oh. Oh my gosh. Oh my bucking gosh. It was him, wasn’t it?”

We said nothing.

“I can’t believe my big brother just caught me doing-”

I leaned over and kissed Twilight so she would stop talking because I wasn’t really trying to hear it and I doubted that Cadance really wanted deal with it at the moment. It sucked hard that we’d been caught red handed, but then again, it was fucking hilarious. After pulling away from Twilight, Cadance asked for a kiss and I gave her one as well, though it wasn’t as long as the one I’d given Twilight. We rested for a few more minutes before Twilight decided to clean me up without me ever having to ask, and she managed to get me off faster than Cadance had. The princess watched, fascinated as Twilight bobbed her head on my rod and asked if she could try it. Twilight warned her not to touch me with her teeth, and Cadance did kinda meh. It was a bad blowjob compared to what Twilight had been giving me, but I dealt with it for the five minutes it took for Cadance’s jaw to get tired.

We had to get cleaned up, so Cadance cleaned herself and Twilight up with magic while I just took a shower instead of being lazy. Cadance couldn’t walk straight, so Twilight cast a spell she’d learned from the Pony Sutra to help her get on her feet again, though the taffy tasting woman winced from time to time when she stepped in the wrong way. She mentioned that she was still incredibly sensitive, so I gave her flank a spank and told her to have fun trying to get around for the rest of the day. That comment made us check the clock, and between foreplay, sex, and a little basking in the afterglow, we’d eaten up nearly four hours.

(Ctrl+F Scene2 Is Over to Skip)

The three of us needed to hurry our arses to supper, so Twilight teleported us just outside of the dining hall so we could enter politely. Once some butler guy announced our presence, I grimaced and realized that the three of us showing up together would likely tip Shining off big time since he’d seen us. I was grateful to see that he was late in joining us for dinner, though Rarity and Applejack were quick to bring up the fact that we’d practically disappeared for a sixth of the day.

I explained that Cadance and Twilight were catching up on the time they’d missed and that I’d tagged along since I had a vested interest in both of them, and that seemed to quell any other questions. Celestia rolled her eyes at my half truth and Luna looked a little jealous that she’d missed out on some fun, but neither of them said anything.

Shining joined us later in the evening and refused to meet my eyes, blushing whenever I spoke. I was tempted to fuck with him for it, but I wanted to avoid any questions from him regarding who I’d been shagging. He probably already figured that the one with their legs around me was his soon to be wife, but I rather severely hoped that Twilight’s thigh highs had been enough to make him think that her coat was a different color. Twilight refused to look at her brother and Cadance seemed a little off, but other than that, dinner was perfectly fine.

When everyone had gotten their fill and I’d devoured half the table by myself, we started filing out of the Dining Hall in pairs until Celestia asked me to stay behind. I figured I knew what it was about, so I told the girls to have a good night and gave Twilight a kiss before she joined them and the royal couple in leaving. Luna and Celestia moved to sit on the side of the table I was sitting on, sandwiching me between them.

Celestia cleared her throat. “You know, Max-”

“-We have heard quite the interesting rumor.” Luna continued.

“Right.” I replied. “Can you not do the tag team thing."

“We could stop-” Luna started.

“-But we won’t.” Celestia finished.

I sighed. “Okay, can one of you just say the rumor?”

“We’ve heard whisperings in the Castle-” Celestia grinned.

Luna nudged me. “-Mentions of cries of passion coming from your room.”

“It wouldn’t be an issue-”

“-If people weren’t saying they heard two different women.”

“Two familiar voices.” Celestia said.

“Alright, I had a bit of a threesome with Twilight and Cadance.” I stated.

Celestia cheered while Luna groaned. "Yes! I called it! And you said it was going to be the longest shot you’d ever seen!” She gloated.

“Be silent, sister. No one likes a braggart.” Luna said tersely.

“Wait, hold up, did you guys seriously bet on whether or not I’d get myself involved in a threesome?” I asked.

“No, we bet on who the threesome would be with.” Celestia explained. “I said that it would be Cadance and Twilight, but Luna took the safe bet with Rarity or Fluttershy paired with Twilight.”

“Celly cheated.” Luna huffed.

“I did not. Max, did I push you and Cadance together at all?” Celestia asked. How the fuck should I know?

“No, but Luna kinda did by making me clear the air with Shining. Speaking of that guy, do you know if he knows?”

“If his inability to look at you during dinner is anything to go by, I’m going say he figured that you were laying Cadance, but most likely didn’t suspect Twilight at the same time.” Luna chuckled.

I sighed. “Man, I really hope he wasn’t staring at my arse. I mean, I’m sure it’s nice, but I’m not trying to turn him on accident.”

“What about on purpose?” Celestia asked with a playful smile.

“Oh, I rather like the thought of that. The Captain of The Guard getting dominated by everyone’s favourite Human sounds like it would be interesting to watch.” Luna licked her lips.

“That’s what I want for my birthday next year, No exceptions.” Celestia smiled at me.

“Oh come on-” I protested.

“His back or his belly?” Celestia giggled.

I glared at her before reaching over to rub her stomach. Celestia looked at me like I’d just shoved my hand down her pants until she gave me a moment to get started. She started leaning back in her seat and let me do what I wanted like a good little tummy slut, so I turned to Luna.

“Do you want a tummy rub too, or do you want to watch?” I asked.

“...How wrong is it if I say both?” Luna inquired.

“About as wrong as it would be if I made you ask me to do it.”

Celestia sighed and swatted my hand away. “As much as I was enjoying that, we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow. Thank you for learning about Shining being mind controlled, by the way. His ‘little’ mistake nearly cost him his job.”

“Think nothing of it. Like I told him, I try to help people.” I said.

“As it is, we will most likely be dropping a large sum of bits into your account to reward you for your service. Consider it your wedding fund.” Celestia rose from her seat.

“That’s nice. Thank you.” I said neutrally. It’s not like I need it, but whatever.

“You don’t sound excited.” Luna commented.

“Twilight just ate my cum with Cadance after licking it out of her. That was all the reward I needed.” I sighed and smiled dreamily.

Celestia chuckled and walked out, bidding Luna and I good night. I turned to face Luna and she asked, “What the buck is wrong with you?”

“A lot of things. Keep it up and you’ll get another spanking, and this time, I won’t let you heal with magic.” I warned.

Luna looked at me for a moment with a gleam in her eye. “You’re a bucked up stallion.”

“Spanking it is.”

Luna beamed and teleported us into her room, but before we did anything, I sent Twilight a note telling her that I was going to be busy with Luna for a little bit. Twilight responded with much love and told me to have fun while I ‘worked’, so I told Luna that she could wear her plug. Moon Moon was thrilled and things got a little kiny from there, including the advent of some handcuffs and hoofcuffs that I didn’t know she had.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Twilight and Luna had the same problem for the same reason during breakfast, but I’d like to point out that Luna was handling it better. I permitted both of them to heal themselves while the wedding was going on, but not a moment before Cadance walked down the aisle. Twilight found that to be a bit unfair, but when I sat her down with Luna and explained that I was doing it because the mild lasting effect was the fucking point of spanking in the first place, they both agreed to my terms and Luna asked me to give her a refresher. I told her that she would get what she wanted if she called me ‘Sir’ in front of Twilight. Luna said it immediately and Twilight just gave me a funny look. I gave Luna her time and told her that she either had to wear a plug during the wedding or go without panties.

Luna went with both.

Amused to no end, I caught up with Twilight and walked around with her, making sure everything was tip top and turnt up before going to join Cadance so I could guard her body. I was glad that I’d packed the extra clothes now, though it wasn’t like I’d worn the suit for the wedding before it was time. I still wanted to look nice because I’m not some fucking plebe or something. While on the topic of looking nice, Twilight trid on her Best Mare dress and she looked absolutely stunning in Shining’s colors. The bridesmaids would be wearing Cadance’s stuff which was all well and good, but I still maintain that Twilight looks best in blue, even if I don’t really like the shade of Shining’s hair and tail. Maybe it’s just some leftover irritation working its way out.

I followed Cadance around for a little bit until it was time to get her dressed, but even then, she had me guard the door while some maids helped her get changed into her wedding gown. She had me turn around and give her my opinion when she was done. Honestly, she looked fucking amazing and I told her as much since she’d asked me to be brutally honest. I may have looked a little longer than necessary, but that was mostly because I spaced out, thinking of Twilight in a similar dress on a similar day.

There was a knock on the door as we were preparing to leave, so I eased it open and stepped out before Shining could have a chance to look inside. “Wotcher, mate.”

“Watch her? You’ve said that before, but who am I supposed to be watching?” He asked nervously.

“Not ‘watch her’. Wotcher. It’s a greeting in my country. What can I do for you, broom groom?”

“Broom groom?”

I shrugged. “You’ve got to sweep Cadance off of her feet sometime tonight.”

“Right. So I need to talk to you.” He said.

“I need to talk to you too, but it’s about sex and this little doohickey.” I held up the cock ring I’d gotten for him.

“...What is that?” He asked.

“Something to help you last a little longer tonight.” I handed it to him and patted his shoulder. “It should adjust a little to fit you, but slip it on when your little friend is soft and it’ll stay on while it’s hard.”

He blushed. “...If you’re talking about what I think you’re talking about, then I’m pretty sure that it’s too big.”

I pulled out two more. “I thought it might be, which is why I brought a couple of them. See what fits and you should be able to dick her down nice and good.”

He took the smallest of the three. “...These haven’t been used, right?”

“That would be gross as fuck.”

He nodded and let out a breath. “Thanks, I guess. Did Cadance say something about my… Stamina?”

“She never complained about it, but I heard somethings that I just can’t abide by, so let me tell you about the birds and the bees.”

“I already had that talk!”

“Not from a sexpert, mate. Before I got with Twilight, I was getting to be pretty experienced.”

Shining gave me a dark look, but I paid it no mind as I started giving him tips and tricks about things he should do for Cadance during the reception no one was supposed to attend. He didn’t pay very much attention until I told him that he was supposed to take care of his woman’s needs before his own, guilt tripping him into taking my advice. I would feel worse about it, but the guy hadn't really even tried to get Cadance off, according to his own words. I felt bad for the girl, so I asked Shining if he had enough magical power to teleport me to Celestia’s room. He asked why I needed to go there and I told him that I was lending him the biggest hand he’d ever seen.

I returned with a nice little rotor that would help Cadance along quite nicely and told him how to use it, explaining everything in great detail until a maid popped her head out of the room Cadance was preparing in to tell us to go the fuck away. I asked if she’d heard anything and she told me that all she could hear was murmuring, so we left it at that. Shining went off to go take his part in the wedding and I wished him the best of luck during and after.

Cadance asked what Shining Armor had wanted and I told her that he’d sought a piece of her sweet candy arse. She hit me for that, but I thought that it was well deserved and well worth it. Other than that, we had a few minutes before I had to escort Cadance to the actual event, but I was surprised to hear that she wanted me to walk her down the aisle. I thought it would be a bit tasteless to have me do the deed since I’d given her some serious D like, yesterday, but she was adamant about having me see her to Shining’s side. I asked why she wanted me to do it and she said that I was now one of her best friends and that being my savior earned me a spot in her wedding beyond just standing out of sight.

We hadn't practiced that shit during the rehearsal, so we just agreed that I would scan the crowd when we got there and would stand on either her side or Shining’s depending on who had more space. Most of the girls were going to be with Cadance, so I figured that I would end up with the groom. We talked about it a little more before Celestia sent us both a note, telling us to stop ‘bucking around’ and get our arses in gear. Cadance rolled her eyes and teleported us somewhere near the Throne Room so she could savor the moment a little longer. I didn’t bitch about it since it was Cadance’s day to do whatever bullshit she wanted.

The doors opened magically and I rested my hand on Nacht as I walked slightly behind Cadance, scanning the crowd for any potential trouble makers. Finding no one sticking out, I kept pace with Cadance which meant that I had plenty of time to pick a spot on the raised dais that Celestia and Shining were currently standing on. Twilight whispered something to her dad and he made a little space for me, though he didn’t look happy about the fact that he’d had to move.

Cadance took her time in getting to the thing and I was already fucking bored, but I suffered through it until I got to stand next to Twilight. Night Light gave me a look, but I tilted my head toward Shining and Cadance to tell him to put his focus elsewhere. Celestia continued on the with the overly long, terribly drawn out proceedings and Spike came down the aisle with the rings and shit. They said the words and put the rings on each other.

There were tears and cheers. I didn't cry, but I did try to look happy because I was expected to. I really don’t care for marriage anyway, though it was cool to see two people that obviously loved each other, even if they were having some issues with the whole sex thing. Twilight shed a few tears and I whispered to her that our day would be even better and she patted my arm, whispering back that she wasn’t a Princess. I told her that she was my Princess and she gave me a nice hug before the photos started.

Cadance got a picture with just about everyone, but Shining just wanted to get a couple of pictures with his wife, his sister, parents, and all of the males in the party. The photographer practically told him to fuck off when he asked, so I stepped in and threatened to stab the faggot if he didn’t listen to the goddamn groom. Seriously, it was like Shining Armour didn’t even matter since everyone’s attention was on Cadance. I made sure to stick by his side throughout the congratulations Cadance received, but I was fucking pissed that few people barely even bothered to say something to him. I get that Shining Armour isn’t the most popular guy, but he’d just gotten fucking married, so I thought that he warranted some attention.

Shining seemed happy enough to let his wife hold all the attention, so I held my tongue, though I made a note to get my feelings off of my chest to Twilight and Noir. It annoyed me that men barely had parts in their own goddamn weddings, but I couldn’t really say much since I didn’t think two people should have to get married to prove that they love each other. I wanted to do something incredible for Twilight, but I wanted at least some say in what went on in our wedding.

All bitching aside, the stuff after the wedding was nice. The food was good, the outfits were nice, and I got to dance with Twilight, Cadance, and Twilight Velvet at the reception. I couldn’t really partake in the toast that Twilight gave, but I raised my glass anyways and dealt with the pain in my stomach after taking a sip to avoid being rude. Celestia slipped me a note and asked me to come up with a toast on the spot. I said something along the lines of ‘To health, wealth, and happiness; May no one else get kidnapped.’. I got a round of chuckles, so I figured it went over pretty well, though Celestia rolled her eyes at my bullshit.

Just before the bride and groom took the floor to have their dance, they got everyone’s attention and formally thanked me for saving the day. I didn’t really know what to do with everyone’s attention on me, so I just nodded in their direction and said, “No problem.” I got hit by Twilight, Celestia, Rarity, and later Cadance for answering so nonchalantly. I pinched everyone except Cadance for hitting me, stating that being put on the spot like that was bullshit anyway.

The reception ended and everyone went their separate ways, though Cadance, Shining’s family, and the princesses stayed behind so we could all have another glass of wine and congratulate the happy couple before Shining took her to go give her some post wedding dick. Celestia and Luna fucked off to go do their thing, giving Twilight and I the time to tell Night Light and Velvet that we planned on getting married ourselves. Night Light took me aside to give me some father talk bullshit that I straight up ignored. When he got salty that I wasn’t putting up with his bullshit, I showed him Twilight’s engagement ring and told him to keep his mouth shut if he didn’t want me to change it to something hideous. It was an empty threat and I had to tell him that I wasn’t being serious to make him lighten the fuck up. He eventually caved and told me that he just wasn’t sure about giving his little girl to me and I told him that I’d earned Shining’s blessing.

He stopped giving me trouble after that, trusting his son’s judgement more than his daughter’s for some reason. I thought that it was some serious fuckery on his part, but I kept it to myself and joined Twilight for bed once the night ran late. I waited for Twilight to fall asleep before I did some meditation while in bed, sending myself off to the mindscape.

Noir was sitting on a lawn chair, chilling out in some comfy looking sport attire while staring out over the ocean. “You know, I was never terribly fond of weddings myself, but at least I do not have to worry about being in one.”

I conjured up a chair and sat next to her. “If it makes Twilight happy, then I’ll deal with it. Seriously though, why don’t guys have much say in their weddings?”

“Because male tastes in aesthetics are simply awful. You might be a bit of an exception, but I am sure that Twilight would prefer that you not have a blue-violet wedding.” Noir said lazily.

I thought of a giant inflatable penis and dropped it on her. “Suck on that, hellion!”

Noir batted it aside and cast a sidelong look at me. “You are such a child.”

“I know you are, but what am I?”

“Annoying.” She answered. A sign appeared that said ‘Annoying’ with an arrow pointing in my direction.

I figured that Noir was busy relaxing, so I conjured up a blowup doll of her and took it to the water where I sat and rode the waves. Shortly after I hopped on and straddled her, Noir appeared next to me on a fake version of myself, though it was anatomically correct. The way she sat on it caused it to fold in half until she reinforced with some more air.

“I see you’ve decided to ride me. Good choice.” I grinned.

“You should have had Cadance ride you. It would have been interesting to see how she handled it.” Noir said.

“It would have been fun, but I was trying to show her what good dick was like. She could barely move like, halfway through.” I grinned. “I know you saw her walking funny down the aisle.”

“In fairness, you are most likely larger than Shining Armor, if Cadance’s tightness was anything to go by.” Noir brought forth a pool floaty thing and rolled off of the fake me.

I copied her since I was done being weird. “Through all of our dick measuring contests, mine really was bigger. I fucking knew it.”

“He could most likely beat you in a pissing contest, despite not being a racehorse.” Noir chuckled.

“All Ponies are racehorses to me. Fuck your natural speed in a straight line.” I grumbled.

She scoffed. “You’ve twisted too many hooves to even complain.”

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. So what do you make of the threesome? Should I have done it, or should I have kept it in my pants?”

“You most likely should not have done it. I doubt there will be a repeat performance, and now that Cadance has had a taste of ‘the good D’, as you say, she might not be satisfied with Shining Armor anymore. I doubt that it will harm their relationship too much, but you should have considered the consequences before agreeing.”

“Oi, I said I’d think about it and I did. Cadance is only my second Princess if you don’t count dominating Luna-”

“I swear to all you hold dear, if you try to spank me, I will make you impotent.” Noir threatened.

“What if you find out that you like it?”

“Then I’ll spank you whenever you want, but I refuse to be dominated.” She said harshly.

“...Okay then, no fuzzy handcuffs for you.”

We floated along for a little bit before I felt and unseen force anchor us into place. Noir said nothing for awhile, so I asked, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I do not.”

“Then why do you think Luna’s submissive? I thought you and her were a lot alike.”

“We are, but not in our sexual tastes. Keep in mind that Alicorns change during their estrus. Certain mannerisms are magnified, so do not expect Luna to continue addressing you as ‘Sir’ when her cycle ends.”

“Damn, I was getting into the whole domination thing.” I sighed. “I guess I’ll enjoy it while it lasts, but I’m just wondering how Celestia is going to feel about it when she learns that I’ve been doing naughty, dirty things to her sister.” I folded my hands behind my head

“I would wager that she already knows. She and Luna hide very little from each other.” Noir said casually.

“...Well fuck. I hope she doesn’t try to turn the tables on me.”

“You hate being under someone else’s control as much as I do. That is quite impressive.”

“I’ve been through too much to be okay with it. I’m guessing it’s the same for you.”

“And just like that, we’re leaving this conversation behind.” Noir sighed.

I shifted the scene to the therapist’s office and had a seat in the leather chair Noir had sat in when she talked to me about getting Crimson killed. Noir got up off the floor and shifted the scene back to the beach, but I changed it back to the office. This went on for awhile until Noir came over and swung her hand at my face, though I ducked and rushed her for a hug. I placed my chin on her massive mammaries and looked into her eyes.

“You can talk to me about anything, Noir, even if it’s hard on you. If you need to get something off of your heart, then I’m always going to listen.”

She scowled for a moment, but her face softened and she placed a hand on my head. “Thank you, Maximus, but I don’t believe that I’m ready to open that wound yet. I’ve never spoken to anyone about that event.”

“I went months without talking to anyone about being raped by Chief Graham and years without talking about the first time something like that happened. I know it wears on you after awhile and the longer you hold it in, the harder it is to share, but I know you understand that I’ll always be here for you when you need me. I might not be by every day, but when we do get together, I’m listening.”

She pressed my face into her bosom. “Save your sweetness for Twilight. I get plenty of your affection as it is.”

I put my hands on her shoulders and pushed her back a bit so I wouldn’t be talking into her fun bags. “I’m not trying to be sweet, I’m being honest.”

“Which is quite sweet of you. Perhaps I could reward you with a movie?” She wiggled her brows. Distraction. Nice.

My eyes widened. “You need to see Pulp Fiction!”

Noir rolled her eyes and shifted the scene so that we were standing in the lobby of my old local theater. I focused on getting us some popcorn and lead Noir to a random showroom, picking out some seats that were slightly higher than in the center of the room. I kicked my feet up and sat back, grinning at Noir while she got the movie started.

It was the same thing I remembered, so it was pretty dope, though Noir asked me what the shit was going on when she couldn’t figure out how the first three segments tied together. I told her that she should take the title as a literal thing and she got the picture pretty well after that. We sat and watched another movie, though Noir got to pick. She thought Die Hard sounded like a nice evening, so I refilled our bucket of buttery goodness and we sat through it.

She liked the movie well enough, though she let me know that she’d already given it a look while I’d been busy with the wedding. I was a little disappointed that I hadn’t been able to share the experience with her, but she assured me that she would wait to watch another movie with me. I told her that she could watch whatever she wanted, but Noir firmly refused, stating that she could watch Die Hard over and over again, yet never find it boring.

I was told that I had to leave so I could catch some real sleep with my lover, so I gave Noir a hug and a kiss goodnight and promised her that we’d watch something interesting the next time I saw her, like Boku No Pico or something. Noir hit me and told me to quit being a faggot, which I thought was very offensive and quite homophobic. She reminded me that she was old as fuck asd was allowed to be as racist as she wanted to be. I conceded and told her to have fun saying the N-word and yelling at children to get off of her property and she shooed me away, telling me to get off of her property. She also called me the N-word, but I told her that I wasn’t fond of that at all so she apologized.

I blinked slowly and found myself looking at Twilight once again. I brushed a lock of hair from her face and gave her one final kiss and watched her until my eyes grew heavy.

Author's Note

Something to listen to.

It makes no sense for Max to not spot Chrysalis right away, so that's what happened.

As Always, Stay Cool, Kids.

Chapter Thirty-Three: Briddish Bullshit
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Thirty-Three: Briddish Bullshit

Author's Note

Things happened. Max is a slut. Life moves on.

This chapter should have gone up a day earlier, but editing was interrupted multiple times, so it's going up now.

As Always, Stay Cool, Kids.

Chapter Thirty-Three: Briddish Bullshit

The best part of waking up is being able to have a maid go get you and your woman a cup of coffee. Granted, that only happened in Canterlot Castle, and it probably only happened because Celestia has orders for her staff to chill the fuck out around me. Seriously, up until I saved Cadance, the people around the Castle really wanted nothing to do with me and practically avoided me whenever I saw them. Luna’s people were a lot nicer, but I was pretty sure that it was because night owls and the like are generally more relaxed than the those who wake with the Sun. They also knew how to make better coffee, but at least I had a cuppa somethin’.

Twilight and I drank our coffee on the balcony of our room, taking in the sweet spring air in Canterlot and generally just enjoying the day. Rainbow stopped by to tell us that she was going to go see if she could catch the Wonderbolts while they were doing an early practice, so I told her not to be fucking creepy about it. Twilight was about to hit me, but she gave it a second thought and later told me that Rainbow’s fanaticism was kinda creepy. I didn’t have anything to say to that so I shut my mouth and finished up with my coffee.

We joined Celestia and Luna for breakfast with the rest of the girls, Shining, and Cadance. Surprisingly, Cadance’s appetite rivalled mine and as we politely cleared the table, though we tried to talk around the insane amount of casual consumption we were doing. Twilight chided me for trying to inhale every grilled sweet potato available, but I argued that if no one else liked them, that I would happily dispose of them. Cadance tried one and found them to her liking, so we annihilated the tubers together. Celestia told her student to stop badgering me about my appetite, stating that I was most likely in the midst of another growth spurt or something. I checked myself out when she said that and grinned at what I saw. It’s not like I was particularly narcissistic about my body as a male, but I knew that I didn’t look half bad with my gains giving me a little extra to throw around.

Twilight caught me looking at myself, but I didn’t think she was aware of the hand she put on my tricep. At least, that’s what I thought until she squeezed my arm and gave me a little smile. After that, we played footsie under the table until Shining shot me a look when Twilight started giggling for no real reason. Cadance made him keep his complaints to himself with a kiss on the cheek and the two main princesses traded a look before I started feeling something I recognized as magic har start searching my body. I whispered to Twilight that I needed and adult and she stuck her tongue out at Celestia, though she didn’t dare do it to Luna.

After breakfast, Applejack and Pinkie were ready to get back home to Ponyville, but I asked Twilight if she remembered that we were supposed to go visit Fleur and Fancy while we were here. She agreed, though she only did so as long as we didn’t make a day out of it. I had no problem with that since I just wanted to grab lunch with them or something, so to fill the time while our friends were heading back home, we hung out with Cadance. Once I got them started on some of the things Cadance had done while she and Twilight weren’t in contact, the day started passing by awfully quickly. The candy colored princess had been visiting various places to see where she could settle her own little monarchy and trained to become a capable ruler while she did so. Twilight inquired as to where she was planning on settling down, but Cadance just offered her a smile and told her that she’d have to visit when she got things ready. I already knew, so I was wondering why Cadance was being so secretive, but it really wasn’t my problem.

Cadance bid us a fond farewell, but instead of the hug I’d been expecting her to give Twilight, she gave her quite the kiss. I watched because of anatomy and intrigue, and when Cadance let Twilight go they were both smiling goofily. I wondered if that meant they were a little more than just friends and smiled when I thought about Twilight joining me in my escapades to nail every member of royalty that we came across. I chuckled about what would happen if she and Elfriede got it on, but I wondered how being a Gryphon lesbian would even work without the advent of toys. It wasn’t something I should have been that concerned about, but I still shared my thoughts with Twilight and she blushed up a storm, although she still conceded to my point and said that it would be very hard with a beak.

We walked around Canterlot for a little bit and ended up back in the arts-and-craftsy section where Twilight had me wait outside of a jewelers place for a little bit. I thought I knew exactly what she was doing, but imagine my surprise when she didn’t come out with a ring. My lover held two little cases in her hands when she came out and a brilliant smile on her face.

“Max~.” She cooed. “My dearest amour~.”

I chuckled to myself. “Yes cherry?”

Twilight levitated the cases and kissed me, cupping my face in her hands. “If I told you that I got us matching necklaces, how would you feel?”

“I would feel like you just gave me another kiss. That is to say, pretty happy.” I smiled.

She opened the cases and put one of the necklaces in my hand, so I gave it a look. It was half of a book, engraved with the branches of a tree in a pattern that reminded me of Celtic stylings and had ‘Cherry’ chiseled in a little deeper than the rest. I couldn’t stop smiling at Twilight and I was sure that she felt the same way. Twilight reached up to clasp the necklace she was holding around my neck, but after a minute of trying, I turned it around so that the clasp was in front so that she could fasten it. She had a rosy tint to her cheeks and I could feel a bit of the same on my own when I walked around behind her so that I could do the same. I inspected my own necklace once it was on and saw that it said ‘Amour’.

I gave Twilight another kiss, but for some reason, her lips seemed even sweeter than they had before. I knew that the matching jewelry was a little too childish for people as mature as Twilight and I tended to be, but nothing could dissuade me from being fucking elated. Instead of standing in the middle of the street, snogging like we were in puppy love or something, I told Twilight that I was touched by her thoughtfulness. She protested, telling me that a little silver was nothing compared to what I’d given her, but I maintained that it was my new favorite thing.

We may have done some more snogging.

We alighted to Fancy and Fleur’s once we were done with our public display of affection and one of their part time maids answered the door. I was wearing my casual clothes and Twilight was wearing one of my favorite outfits of hers, so we didn’t exactly look like we belonged in this part of town. I understood why the maid was so reluctant to speak to us, but when I mentioned that I was Maximus, Baron and Royal Operative, she let us in. After I showed her my seals. Fleur was reading quietly in the parlour and Fancy was upstairs in his study, doing whatever it was that he did, so Twilight and I talked to Fleur first. When the maid announced our presence without mentioning our names, she rolled her eyes and kept reading her book. I recognized it as A Thousand Moments and grinned to myself.

“You know, Dusk Shine’s dick is around the size of mine.” I said flippantly, walking in the room with Twilight joining me.

Fleur glanced up at me with a scowl before doing a double take. “Max? Twilight?”

“The two and only.” I grinned.

She saved her spot in her book and rushed to give us each a hug. “I’m so glad to see you two! I saw you at the wedding, but I just couldn’t bring myself to interrupt!”

“Well thank you, but Max saw you when we came into town and wanted to say hello then and there. I’m sorry I made him wait, but we had to get to the Castle.” Twilight finished with a wistful smile.

I scoffed. “Cherry, do you know how much time we blew doing Rarity’s little nonsense?”

Twilight lived up to her pet name. “That’s why we had to hurry!”

Fleur gave her a look. “I would have understood. Really sweetie, not every visit has to be for hours. It’s just that good company seeks good company.”

I pulled Twilight a little closer and put my hand on her hip. “That’s what I was trying to say, but some people just don’t like to listen. Twilight would rather hit me than,” She pinched me, “listen sometimes.”

“Why do I always feel like you’re picking on me?” Twilight said irritably.

“If it makes you feel any better, I seek your company because you’re pretty great.” I said, switching topics.

Twilight tried to stay mad. “Hush! I know what you’re doing!”

Fleur smiled deviously. “Come now, Twilight. Take the stallion’s compliment.” Yes, join the Dark Side of the Force.

“I know what you’re doing too! We’ve spent too much time together for me to not know that you’re just distracting me.” Twilight huffed.

Fleur blinked. “It used to work before.”

I raised a hand. “It’s my fault. Twilight started getting more astute when I came into her life. It really doesn't help when half of the things I say can be taken the wrong way. Not that I mean them to be offensive, it’s just that Twilight doesn’t like to let things go.”

Twilight pinched me again. “You and your double entendres.”

“I’ll admit, I’ve had to have you explain a thing or two.” Fleur admitted. “Sometimes it feels like you’re purposefully being a mule, but other times, you’re the sweetest thing on two hooves.”

“That’s pretty incredible considering I don’t have hooves.” I said drily.

Fleur and Twilight rolled their eyes. “You know what she meant.” Twilight chastised.

“If you let me eat your arse, I’ll be nicer.” I bargained.

Twilight paled. “Y-You said you weren’t going to eat a Pony!”

Fleur’s face contorted, trying to keep her laughter in, so I said, “What do I call it when I do that thing with my tongue that you like?”

Twilight blinked at me. “‘French’ kissing?”

“Not on those lips.” I explained.

Fleur covered her mouth and Twilight finally understood what I meant, her face coloring. “Maximus, you do not talk about that in polite company!”

I raised a brow. “I’ve slept with everyone in this room, including myself. I don’t think normal boundaries really apply here.”

Fleur tilted her head. “How do you sleep with yourself? Besides taking pictures of yourself in your female form to use at a later date.”

“That’s what I meant. I mean, if I could I would, if nothing else other than to give it a shot.” I commented.

“It wouldn’t surprise me to find that he had a scrapbook of his own smut.” Twilight said flatly. Don’t ruin the surprise, dammit!

“I believe he would rather keep a book of all the photos he’s received. In fact, I’d love to see it if it exists.” Fleur smiled with plenty of implications.

Twilight looked between the two of us, seeming a bit hurt. That confused me, so I decided that it was time to wrap things up. “If I ever put one together, we’ll have to sit down and look through it some time. Speaking of looking through things, is Fancy terribly busy, or is he just being antisocial?”

Fleur lifted her brows and pursed her lips. “I believe Fancy is entertaining a ‘friend’ at the moment. They won’t be through with their visit for a few more hours, if Fancy has anything to say about it.”

Twilight stayed silent, taking my hand off of her hip. “That’s a shame. I really wish we could’ve seen him before going, but we didn’t have much time in the first place. It’s been a pleasure seeing you again, love.”

Fleur smiled sadly, her eyes flickering to Twilight. “We’ll have to invite you to the next party we hold. Rarity has already expressed some interest, but I really do hope that Twilight and yourself decide to show your faces.”

“We’ll be heading to Bridleland here shortly, but if you’re party isn’t until after then, we’ll be there.” I gave her a smile and tried to take Twilight’s hand, but she shied away.

Fleur noticed. “...I would hate to keep you any longer than necessary. Do take care, you two. I’ll be sure to keep in touch.”

She gave Twilight a quick hug that she half-heartedly returned and gave me another before my lover lead the way out. I stayed by her side until we were about halfway down the street until I stopped her.

“Twilight, what’s wrong?” I asked kindly.

She avoided my eyes. “Why did you really want to see Fleur and Fancy?”

“Fancy’s like an older brother to me and Fleur’s a good friend. Are you worried about the relationship I have with Fleur?” I surmised.

Twilight held her hands behind her back, but didn’t say anything. I’d thought as much. “Cherry, Fleur will never replace you in my heart or my mind. I consider her a valuable friend, and that’s pretty much the extent of it.”

She sighed. “I know, but I can’t help but feel a little jealous. You told me that Fleur was one of the best mares you’ve ever had and I just don’t know if I can live up to the standard she set.”

“First of all, you already blew clear past it. Second, even if you hadn't, Fleur just can’t live up to the standard you set. Hell, no one can; not even Celestia.” I assured.

“...Thank you, but that’s not all that was bothering me.” Twilight murmured.

“Then let’s talk about it.” I said, concerned.

Twilight pursed her lips to the side. “...I thought that you might have wanted to see Fleur just so you could have a chance to sleep with her.”

“I know you can’t control your thoughts, but that’s insulting to both of us, cherry. Fleur is good company even without sex, and I would ask before just leading you over there. It really was just a social visit.”

Twilight colored, her hand going to her necklace. “That’s what I was hoping, but sometimes you just seem so secretive. You never even told me that you met Cadance.”

“I thought you would learn on your own, and when I realized that you didn’t know her by her full name, I thought you’d be absolutely thrilled with the surprise. It was hard to keep quiet when I saw you upset about not knowing who Shining was marrying, but I thought the surprise would be worth it.”

She sighed. “...I guess you really were just trying to be thoughtful, even if I would’ve preferred that you tell me.”

I came in for a hug and Twilight returned it. “I’ll keep that in mind if it ever happens again. I love you, Twilight, and there’s nothing I would purposefully do to upset you. Besides some good natured teasing.” I added.

She pushed me back a little and took the charm thing on my necklace in her hand before doing the same with hers. She put the together with a little notch and nub that stood out on the sides of the books and smiled. “I forgot to tell you that they fit together.”

“I get the part that sticks out because-” I thought twice about it. “Never mind. It’s an incredibly sweet gift, Twilight.”

She gave me a little smile. “I know you only keep that one ring, so I wasn’t sure if you’d wear another. I thought a necklace might work better for you.”

I stared at her. “How did you know I had a ring?”

She gave me an odd look. “You let me read your journals. It was mentioned along with something called a billfold, and you said that you thought the collection of papers that were with your journals seemed off. It’s one of the few things you brought with you from your world.”

My heart hammered in my chest. “I didn’t realize I wrote it down.”

Twilight laid a hand on my arm. “Are you okay, amour? You look a little scared.”

I grabbed her and and kissed the dorsal side. “I’m okay, I just… I didn’t really want anyone knowing about my dad’s wedding ring. It’s all I have left of him, and if something ever happened to it…”

She gave me a smile that made me want to kiss her again. “I won’t tell a single soul, Pony or otherwise, but I want you to know that I can enchant it for you if you give me some time to learn how to do it. It’s different than the privacy spells I put on your journals, but I can put a locater spell on it.”

“Can we do that when we get home then? Just thinking about it worries me.”

Twilight gave me the kiss I’d wanted. “Of course. We’ll have to pack for our trip soon after, though.”

“Life gets hectic really quickly, doesn’t it?”

“It really does. Do you want to take the train home or do you want to teleport?”

“Magic is bullshit but convenient. Let’s go.”

Twilight closed her eyes and her horn lit up for a brief moment before we appeared in my house. I took her to my room, did a thing that I’m not recording, and I opened my safe for her. Inside were my scrapbooks of my own nudes and pictures I’d taken with friends along with my ring and billfold. The old copies of my journals were in there too in their undoctored state, but all we needed were the ring and the billfold. Twilight asked me what the latter was made of since it was a material she’d never seen, but I wasn’t about to explain leather to her, no matter what, so I asked her to drop it. She shrugged it off and held my ring in her hands, inspecting it closely before putting it back where it belonged. She said that she wasn’t terribly familiar with how white gold would affect enchantments, but since it was a simple band with a tiny diamond, it would probably do just fine.

I let Twilight pick out quite a few of my outfits since she knew what I lied and what I would put up with, so she only packed three of the small shirts she had picked out for me and let the rest be various different pieces of clothing Rarity had made. Everything worked with the denim trousers I put in my luggage, so I was off to a good start. After we got my stuff settled, we walked to the Treebrary and Twilight started picking out her own attire with some of my help. Five out of the seven outfits she’d chosen could be worn with either knee high socks or stockings of some kind, though she surprised me when she pulled out a proper garterbelt. I’d never been particularly turned on by them, but they were a necessity for some stockings, so I liked them well enough.

We left Spike to his own devices since he was a largely autonomous kid, though I was pretty sure he was wanking off in his room before we set a foot/hoof out of the door. I’d only ever caught him in the act once, though I’d never actually seen him doing it. The bright blush on his face and his hunched over posture had told me all I needed to know, but it’s not like I gave him any trouble over it. I did, however, tell him to keep his hands to himself for a few more years until he could do things properly. It confused the Hell out of the poor kid until I explained that I was talking about his little girlfriends.

Twilight had some business to take care of with Mary considering my absence from the town, and apparently it was supposed to take a couple of hours. I walked Twilight over there and wondered what I should do up until I realized that I had a few things to take care of. I needed to go send Blue a letter telling her I would be gone and that I’d missed her while at the wedding, and I should probably talk to Spike about what to do if he was approached by Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, or Scootaloo in any way other than in friendship. I headed back to the Treebrary, wrote out a note, and looked around for him. He was in his room, as it turns out. I knocked on his door and waited for a few moments for him to get his trousers back on before he answered the door in the same way he had before.

“S-Sorry, Max. I was just, uh, changing clothes?” He offered meekly.

“Right. I actually need you to send this off to a woman named Blueberry Tart and I want talk to you about the CMC’s if you please.”

He gave me a funny look and took my note, sending it off. “Did you say that just so you could rhyme?”

I raised a brow. “Were you really changing clothes?”

“... So what about them?”

“I realize you guys are coming to a certain age, and as such, you might be approached by them to do things I’ve warned you against. I have faith in your common sense, but I just wanted to let you know that doing much more than the occasional kiss might get you hurt.”

Spike’s hand went to his cheek. “By whom?”

“Most likely Big Mac or Applejack, but I wouldn’t rule out Rainbow.” I explained.

He nodded. “Right. I kinda figured. Would you tell on them if I told you something?”

“Depends on whether or not you ask me to keep it a secret.” And how many times it’s happened.

He nodded again and stood up straight. We went downstairs for a moment and he had me check the house for any potential eavesdroppers and I found Pinkie in a potted plant, so I told her to go home and to quit being creepy as shit. She bounced away and Spike sat me down in the living room.

“Alright, so Sweetie Belle wants to do more than kiss my cheek.” He said nervously.

“How much more?” I asked.

“...She says she wants to see my thingy.” He said awkwardly.

“How many times has she asked?”

“A lot. I told her that if she didn’t stop, I was going to tell you.”

I cocked my head. “Why me and not Twilight or Rarity?”

Spike shrugged. “I don’t want her in trouble, I just want her to stop.”

“Has she asked since you told her to stop?” I inquired.

Spike sighed. “We wouldn’t be talking about it if she did.”

I ran my hand through my hair. “That’s a tough spot to be in, mate.” And you’ve put me in a tougher one.

He nodded. “Is there anything you can do besides go to Rarity?”

I took a deep breath and started running scenarios. About sixty percent of them ended with Rarity mad at me, thirty with Rarity and Twilight mad at me, five with all of the girls mad me, three with me in jail for something I would never do, and the last two were my only hope of not getting bitched at by anyone other than children.

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Look mate, my hands are fucking tied here. If I don’t say something to Rarity and she finds out, then I don’t put it above her to come after me through Twilight. If I handle this the wrong way, a lot of shit comes down on me instead of Sweetie, and I put myself in enough trouble as is. Right now, I can’t even say that I could ignore the problem because if someone finds out that I knew you’ve been having those issues with Sweetie Belle and I knew but didn’t do a damned thing either way, my ass is grass.”

“...I just put you in a tougher spot than I’m in, didn’t I?” Spike asked softly.

“It’s my job as one of your big brothers to take care of you when you’re in a tough spot, Spike, no matter how tough it might be for me. I’m glad you told me, but Sweetie Belle is taking the fall on this.”

He sighed hard. “That’s what I came up with too. I can’t really blame you since you’d get in more trouble than she would, but can you at least try and get Rarity to take it easy on her?”

I nodded. “I planned on it. It’s ultimately up to Marshmallow as to what she plans on doing, but I’ll try and do what I can for her.”

Spike held up a fist and I bumped it. “Thanks, Max. You’re a good big brother, even if you’re not exactly the nicest.”

“I only ever threw that one stone at you, and you were being a prick! That’s for me missing out on years of messing with you as a kid!” I chuckled.

Spike flipped me a gesture he’d seen me use too many times. “I don’t know what this means, but you’re always mad when you do it.”

I flipped it back to him. “Just don’t hold up the middle one and you’ll be good around most Ponies. I’m gonna go have that chat with Rares, if you wanna tag along.”

Spike looked pensive. “I-I’m not too sure about that, Max. If Sweetie Belle sees me there when she gets in trouble, then she’ll know that I told on her!”

I shook my head. “She’ll know either way. At least you’ll be able to explain yourself to her while you’re there.”

“Maaate!” Spike groaned. That actually bothers me less than you saying it normally.

“What did you learn about just getting it over with?”

“To do it sooner rather than later.” He sighed.

“Good man. Come on, we’ve got a walk to make.”

Spike and I made our way across town, but we were stopped by my favorite mint green Unicorn on the way over. Lyra really just wanted to say hello for a moment and catch up since she’d also been at the wedding. She thanked me for freeing her and Bon Bon from Chrysalis’ control, which I thought was rather nice since I didn’t even know that she’d been under any kind of mind control bullshit. She mentioned that some Changelings had snuck into her home and drained some love from her and her lover for months, but that they’d been happy to give it to them. I put two and two together and figured that it was the cause behind their relationship issues, but Lyra told me that they’d been free of their visitors since the wedding was over. That was fucking radical, so I high-fived her and told her that I was happy for them. I couldn’t really care less, but I felt like I was supposed to, so I pretended that I did.

Other than that, we waved to some of the hoi polloi when we were waved at and I nodded to a few of the more solitary ones as they passed by, but other than that, the walk was the same boring one I’d made a thousand times before. We got to Rarity’s shop, though she wasn’t in the lower bit to greet us. I said ‘fuck it’ to being polite since the girls had let themselves into my home multiple times and decided to go upstairs to look for the Marshmallow, but when Spike and I heard the shower running, we decided to get back downstairs before we were labelled as perverts.

We gave her thirty minutes since it’s fucking Rarity and went back upstairs to check. The shower was off, but when I knocked on the bathroom door, Rarity told me that she had five more minutes before she would be out. Thirty more minutes later, Rarity came down stairs and greeted us both with a hug.

“Max. Spike. What brings you over?” She asked with a smile.

“No good news.” I said.

Her face fell. “Lovely. I suppose I should hear it anyways.”

I looked at Spike and he started bumping his index claws together. “Well, you see, the thing is... “

“Yes Spike?” Rarity asked kindly.

He took a deep breath and let it out. “Well, Sweetie Belle’s been asking me to do something I’m really not all that comfortable with. I asked her to stop, but she keeps asking.”

Rarity’s gaze sparked for a moment. “And what, pray tell, has she been asking you to do?”

Spike rubbed his foot on the floor and turned bright red. After a few minutes, it was pretty obvious that he didn’t want to say it in front of a lady as proper as Rarity, so I picked up the slack. “Sweetie Belle’s been inquiring about Spike’s privates. He came to me with the issue because he doesn’t want to get her in trouble, and I came to you to ask that you go easy on her.”

Rarity crossed her arms and levelled a glare at me. “I have quite the hard time believing that my little sister would inquire about something so crude.”

“Rarity, how many people do you know who can lie to me?” I challenged.

She looked a little less sure and her eyes flickered to Spike. “I-”

“On top of that, how could you possibly think that Spike of, all the people you know, would go out of his way to get one of his own friends in trouble?” I interrupted.

“I-In fairness, nopony would do that, but you have to understand, Max! Spike has a history of perversion-”

“Hey! I apologized for that!” Spike objected, looking quite hurt.

Seeing Spike in pain pissed me off. “So what are you gonna do about Rarity? Are you just gonna let your little sister badger Spike about giving her something she got no right to ask for, or are ya going to put a stop to it?”

Rarity lower lip quivered. “ I don’t see why I should. If you can’t be civil, then why should I do anything for you?”

“Because it makes you a shittier person than me at my worst if you don’t.” I said icily.

Rarity turned her nose up at me. “Celestia forbid anypony stoop to your level for once. I believe it’s high time I did some stooping.”

The rest of her body language told me that she was full of shit. Her shoulders were hunched unevenly and she seemed incredibly uncomfortable, like she was lying or trying to make me fall for her bluff. I knew she would talk to Sweetie Belle about what happened, but she was just being difficult at this point.

I gave her a slow clap. “Very mature, Rarity. I’m so proud to call myself your friend.”

If she wasn’t going to before, then she most certainly was going to have that chat now. Rarity sniffed, but I had nothing else to say, so I lead Spike out of her shop and we started on our way back home. After a few minutes of walking, Spike said, “That could have gone better.”

“If she didn’t insult you, things would have played out just fine.” I replied.

“...I know I shouldn’t have listened in on Applejack and Fluttershy, but I thought that was supposed to be over already.”

I rolled my eyes. “Women rarely see things that way. If they wrong you, then you’re supposed to forgive them the second they apologize. If you wrong them, they hold a grudge no matter how many times you apologize. It’s seriously fucked up.”

He shook his head. “Now that you mention it, I kinda see it. Why don’t we just treat them the same way they treat us?”

“I do.” I said casually. “I still hold a grudge against Rainbow for fucking up my first house, and if she ever pisses me off, I’m bringing it up again.”

“Dude, that was months ago. That is so petty.” He said.

“Pettiness is a plague and I caught the bug. Wanna go grab a smoothie?” I asked.

“Sure, I guess.”

And so it was. The smoothies were good.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

After a long night of some hot, steamy, sweaty reading with Twilight, we woke up in her house and got the coffee started. Spike had agreed to meet Apple Bloom at the farm to help with some of her chores after doing most of his, but since Twilight doesn’t actually do much more than look after the books in the library part, I made her help me finish up what Spike had left. The guy deserved a break, honestly, and I was happy to give it to him.

During the course of the night, I filled her in on what had happened Rarity and Sweetie Belle and was rewarded through many pecks and smooches that carried over into the morning. We’d done some research on the locater spell while Twilight was taking breaks from giving me kisses, so we took some time to head to my house and put it on my father’s ring. After that, there was nothing we needed to do, so Twilight tried getting me to talk to Rarity. I really wasn’t feeling it, so I suggested that we go hang out with Rainbow and pull some prans or something, but Twilight wasn’t about that life, so we settled down in my house. I suggested that we enjoy a tummy rub and Twilight asked me if I was just trying to get her to do that thing I liked. I was a little offended by that since I’d just wanted an excuse to touch her, so I told her why I wanted to do so. She told me to stroke her mane if I just wanted some personal contact and I agreed happily.

While I was petting Twilight, Rarity came to my house to apologize for being such a twat and told me that she’d grounded Sweetie Belle for making inappropriate advances to Spike. Twilight was happy about that, so I called her out on being sick as fuck and she got flustered, explaining herself in all the wrong ways. Rarity and I had a chuckle about that, but even though we were both laughing, I was the only one who got hit because Ponies are either racist or sexist. Maybe both. Hell, probably both.

Rarity stuck around and asked Twilight if she could have some affection from me, if I were to agree. I had no problem with it and Twilight allowed her to have some of my time, though she still had her voyeur thing going on. She straight up told Rarity that we could do whatever we wanted as long as she was allowed to watch which made both of us happy. Rarity’s exhibitionism matched up with my own pretty well, so imagine our elation when we were told that we’d have a chance to practice something we’d planned on doing some time ago.

Since I’ve detailed sex with Rarity before, I don’t feel that I need to do it again, though we didn’t quite go that far. She really did want some affection, and I was happy to give it to her until she asked me to do a little extra for her. Twilight suggested that Rarity let me rub her tummy, but I told her that it was kind of our thing and that I wasn’t too interested in doing it for someone else. The ladies thought that it was incredibly sweet, but Rarity said that I wasn’t going to touch her stomach anyway, so I settled for nibbling on her ears and playing with her bountiful breasts for a little while. Shit was cash.

Twilight watched on in mild intrigue for a little while, and when Rarity asked me to lead my hands downward, her interest grew and she actually put her book down instead of just glancing at us every once in awhile. I’m sure that she and Rarity made sexy, sexy eye contact a few times, but when I looked at Twilight, her eyes were firmly glued to pretty much anywhere that wasn’t polite to stare at. Rarity didn’t really reciprocate with any of the attention I was giving her, but I was having fun letting my hands wander wherever they pleased. I teased and tortured Rarity until she begged for release, but even then, I waited until I saw Twilight start moving her hands around in her lap to let her have what she so desperately desired.

Rarity left with a wobble in her step and a smile on her face, but as she was leaving, Fluttershy came over requesting the same damned thing. Twilight was thrilled. I was rather indifferent, but a little happier since I knew that Fluttershy would want some dick on top of it. I gave her similar attention until she practically tore my pants off and rode me. Once that happened, Twilight’s hands went down south and and I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to watch more: Twilight getting herself off or Fluttershy’s voluptuous mammaries bouncing around. The three of us couldn’t really keep our eyes in one place for long, so I didn’t feel bad about my indecision.

I gave Fluttershy something that she could enjoy later if she could hold it in, that is, if she was the type to perform the act of honeypotting. I was proven correct when she dipped a finger in to give it a taste, but I was even more turned on when Twilight asked her to do it again and tasted it for herself. Fluttershy and I decided to go another round after that, so I gave her a little extra.

Oddly enough, Applejack came over to say hi for reasons so Fluttershy and I took a quick break until Twilight asked her if she wanted to watch as well. The orange cowgirl was mildly interested, so she pulled up a seat next to Twilight and watched Fluttershy and I go at it for awhile until she herself got hot and bothered. She asked Twilight if she’d like to have some fun for themselves, but Twilight balked hard and said that she was content with watching for the time being.

Applejack asked if she could join us instead (with Twilight’s permission) and we welcomed her into the fray. I had a normal strap-on that she could use, so we ended up double teaming Fluttershy which was rather fun, though Twilight had to get a closer look when Applejack took her position near Fluttershy’s rear. Once we finished with treating the buttery fluttery one like she was a cheap hooker, Applejack carried her home and wished us a good day.

After they left, Twilight and I sat outside because my house smelled like a lot of sex and hormones, but then, Rainbow passed by in the sky and came to say hi. She didn’t want sex, surprisingly, though she did ask if I wanted to play some hoofball with her. I would’ve been down if Twilight felt like it, but at the moment, she wasn’t feeling up for walking and moments before Dash landed, I’d had my face between her legs. Rainbow was disappointed by that, but when she asked if I was up for a round of regular pool, I had no reason to say no, so we did that. She commented on the fact that my house fucking reeked, despite me opening all of the windows in the main area downstairs, but that’s what I get for having sex on the couch.

I took it easy on Rainbow for the first few games of pool, but when Twilight took her turn with Dash, she fucking wrecked face. It was absolutely brutal, but it was also hilarious to see Rainbow gape and gander at Twilight’s mad skill handling a pole and balls. My lover worked the shaft like no other and the technicolor rug muncher couldn’t do a damned thing about it, no matter how many shots Twilight allowed her to have.

Rainbow left with her ego thoroughly dashed, leaving Twilight and I to go back outside and continue doing what we had been. Once I finished her off and cleaned up, she replaced her undergarments and we did some cuddling since I wasn’t really in the mood to get off again. It was a little odd, not wanting to have sexual contact with Twilight, but I just wanted to hold her and snuggle for a bit. She was happy for the time together and we spent a lot of it just fitting our necklaces together because I kept requesting that we do it. That usually started a kiss, and I was pretty sure that it was all I desired at the moment.

Smooching and snuggling aside, I had Twilight do a spell so she could talk to Noir and did some meditating myself so I could join them. Once I arrived, I saw Noir and Twilight sitting on my old couch together and found the picture worthy of taking note. They both patted the spot between them, so I had a seat.

“I’m not in trouble, am I?” I asked.

“We’d be standing and glaring if you were, amour. Noir and I just took a few minutes to talk while you were working your way into your mind.” Twilight explained.

“Indeed. You will find no trouble here unless you make it.” Noir put her hand on my thigh and Twilight di the same.

“...Alright. So are we doing a threesome, or is this just a talk?” I jibed nervously.

“You would ask the only two women that ask you to wait for sex if they want a threesome? Have some sense, Max.” Noir chided.

“Hey, just because you’re in his head doesn’t mean you can get away with chastising him! That’s my job!” Twilight said playfully.

“You’re both fucking good at it.” I muttered.

Twilight’s ear flicked. “What was that, amour? I don’t think we quite heard you.”

“He was complaining about our constant correcting of his nonstop foalishness.” Noir explained. “For the most part, he means little more than an empty complaint since we are often right, but he still feels as though he is justified in some of his actions.”

“Stop reading my mind and telling Twilight about it. Doesn’t that break the doctor-patient confidentiality agreement?” I asked irritably.

They kissed my cheeks simultaneously and Noir said, “It does, but you and Twilight are nearly one and the same. Anything I say to you, I am willing to say in front of her.”

“That’s real nice and all, but can we get to why we’re talking?” I asked. “I know I set this up, but I just wanted to show Twilight some of the marvels from my world.”

“Don’t worry, I just wanted to talk to you about sex. I know I’m ready now, but I still want to wait until we’re married to do the main event. I was just asking Noir if she thought it was a good idea for me to be less possessive of you.” I like how possessive you are though.

“And I was telling Twilight that you enjoy being protected more than you despise being restricted, at least, in her case. I trust your special someone to find the correct balance for yourselves. Speaking of you two, I do enjoy the necklaces. It was not a custom to give such presents in my time, but I do find them to be endearing.”

Twilight blushed. “I just thought it would be cute.”

I kissed her cheek. “And cute it is, cherry. I can’t think of anything else I’d rather have, but I am curious as to how you found something so perfect so fast.”

“Well, while you were being sneaky and looking at rings for me, I saw these and I thought that they’d be adorable, but I just didn’t have the bits on me” She steepled her fingers and looked at them.

You are aware that Max’s finances are your own, correct? Within reason, he is perfectly happy to share his wealth with you.” Noir stated.

“I-I know that, but I can’t just take bits from him!” Twilight protested. “I had some saved up anyway, so it didn’t set me back too badly.” She lied poorly.

I interlaced my fingers while my thoughts raced. “You know, Twilight, I have plenty of space in my house.”

Noir put her hand on my shoulder and gave me a little smile. I gave her a nod and Twilight just looked at me. “I know that, Max. Your house is probably bigger than Applejack’s and mine combined.”

“I’m just saying that I could host your entire family, or just you and Spike.” I looked at my hands.

“That’s what having a lot of space entails, amour. Are you okay?” Twilight asked.

“Just thinking…” I turned my gave to my favorite mage. “Twilight, how would you feel about moving in with me?”

Her eyes widened and I swear I could see her looking at how things would play out, visualizing possible outcomes. “Max... “

I placed a hand over hers. “You don’t have to answer now. Just give it some thought, okay?”

“I have, and I can’t leave the library, Max. It’s my duty to take care of it, and ever since coming to Ponyville, it’s become my home. I want to live with you, I just think-”

“What if I had Celestia move the Treebrary?” I asked.

Noir sighed and Twilight gave me a funny look. “There would be a gaping hole in the middle of town.”

I raised a brow. “And?”

Twilight patted my leg. “I’m honored and thrilled that you would ask, but now’s just not the time, amour.”

“Damn. What if I threw in free tummy rubs whenever you asked?”

Noir scoffed. “Such things are for lesser women. Twilight is far too classy to be swayed by simple tummy rubs.”

“They’re not that simple.” Twilight said softly.

I reached over to grab one of her breasts. “They’re pretty fun for me too.”

Twilight let me do it and swatted my hand away after a moment. “You’re terrible.”

Noir teleported to her other side and did the same thing I’d done, but she elicited a blush and an ‘eep!’. “He’s terrible because he likes you.”

Twilight swatted her hand away too. “Who said you could do that!?”

“I told her that she could do it once.” I explained.

“Rarely do I ever get to touch someone other than Max. That, and your reactions are simply adorable!” Noir beamed at her.

Twilight covered her chest, her face bright red. “Both of you are incorrigible! I see why you get along most of the time!”

Noir and I traded a look before each of us grabbed Twilight’s thighs, causing her to leave her breasts unprotected. We swapped targets and flustered Twilight pretty quickly, but we stopped long before she could start getting upset. She was still annoyed with both of us, but while she was trying to give us the silent treatment, I shifted the scene from my old house to the streets of London. Twilight stopped being upset and marvelled at the menagerie of humans walking about that I wasn’t aware I remembered, strolling up to inspect them up close and personally. I tried not to let my heart dwell on the fact that I would never see so many of my own kind again, but that load of bollocks kept coming up as we moved through my memory to the point where I ditched Noir and Twilight to quell the straight up despair I was feeling.

Don’t misunderstand me: I like my life in Equestria well enough. I’ve got good enough friends, great weed whenever I want it, most pull with politics than I’d ever thought possible, incredible powers, and a phenomenal lover. I was happy with what I had, but after being in Equestria for so long, I was sorely missing my people. They weren’t mine per se, but now more than ever, I felt so alone. So heart crushingly lonely. I missed everything I’d seen from the interesting tan flats lining the streets to the tram to the sight of seeing people milling about, doing whatever it was that they wanted or needed to do. I felt something ache deep inside when I faced the fact that I was never going back because of reasons I’d never had any say in, things I hadn't had any control over.

After a few minutes of an intense panic attack, I swallowed the worst of my pain to find that Twilight was leading Noir around, looking for me since I’d up and disappeared. With my emotions in check, I rejoined them and Noir inquired about why I had been gone rather casually. I told them that I really didn’t want to talk about it at the moment and that getting on with the tour my help me get over my funk. Twilight mentioned that my voice had lost what little inflection I’d had and I told her that I would tell her if it became a real problem.

Noir disagreed and said that I needed to vent my frustrations, but she did say that letting me speak about it on my own terms would be better than forcing me to spill everything then and there, so we continued with my mini tour. I took them by the London Eye, and since I’d ridden it once, we were able to get on it and Twilight was absolutely euphoric. Noir was amused by Twilight more so than the cityscape, but I thought she was still worried about me and that little hole in my heart.

I decided to take us to King’s Cross next so Twilight could see what a real train station looks like, but she wanted to talk about my feelings a lot more than I did. Noir asked her to leave it be, so Twilight relented, though it was obvious that she wanted to continue asking questions until the Sun died. I showed her some affection for being nice by way of a tender kiss that she returned happily until Noir made a retching noise and ruined the moment. I gave the offending mare a spank with my tentacle and she yelped like a pup, which I found quite amusing. She did it for Twilight more so than because it hurt, but it was still amusing.

We saw as few more sights, but when Twilight asked if London was my hometown, I truthfully told her that it wasn’t.

She cocked her head and looked at me. “If this isn’t your hometown, then why are we here?”

“Because I’m not going back to Wiltshire anytime soon. If just being here made me feel terrible, I’m not about to invite anymore bullshit onto myself.” I replied evenly.

“If you’re having a bad time, then why are we still here?” She asked.

Noir coughed. “Max wanted to show you a piece of his home, but couldn’t bear to come too close. There are a few places we could show you that he does not mind too terribly.”

Twilight turned her gaze back to me. “Is that okay? I don’t want to push you too far…”

I shrugged and transported us to the church that had been one of my last destinations on Earth.. Twilight blinked a couple time and I said, “I don’t mind showing you my old safe house. This place is where I used to lie low for a little bit after a job, hide stuff, or lose a tail. This place meant a lot to me when I had it.”

“...What is it? It looks like something out of a castle, but smaller and worn down.” Twilight asked.

“Remember when I explained the concept of religion and worship to you?” I asked.

She nodded. “Yeah, this is where people came to worship in my town a long time ago. Another church was built and this one was pretty much just left to rot, but it’s still a church.” I explained.

“Wow…” Twilight gasped. She walked along the walls and took everything inwhile Noir and I watched her.

“She’s a good woman.” Noir whispered to me.

“I’m lucky to have her. There’s no one else who could take her place at this point.” I replied.

Noir placed a hand on my shoulder and we waited for Twilight to rejoin us. When she did, she was confused by the little smiles we were wearing. “I’m sorry, did I miss something?”

“Noir and I were just talking about how good you are when you’re not abusing me.” I smirked.

Twilight colored. “Well forgive me to holding you to a standard!”

Noir chuckled harder than I would’ve liked her to, so I pinched her fur and pulled, eliciting another yelp. “I’ll hold it against you for as long as I can.”

“You’d better, otherwise how else will you know I care?” Twilight asked playfully.

“By the way you stroke it when you’re not giving me the succ.” I grinned cheekily.

Twilight just gave me an odd look, but Noir had to ruin it by saying, “He was talking about his penis.”

My lover rolled her eyes but couldn’t help the blush. “Terrible. Simply terrible.”

Noir gave her a sad smile. “I can tell that your headache is building, Twilight Sparkle. It’s time for you to go.”

Twilight sighed. “I guess I shouldn’t push myself too hard. Next time, can we watch a movie like you two talked about?”

“Of course, cherry. I have the perfect one in mind for you.” Fuck The Notebook, but she might like it.

She beamed before fading out of the world. Noir turned to me and said. “I like her.”

“More than anyone else?” I asked.

“Much more. Keep her close, Maximus. She will prove valuable to you in so many ways.” Noir sighed happily.

“She already is, but you know that.” I stated.

Noir waved me off. “That I do. Be sure to give her my best when she comes along with you.”

“Sure thing, babe. Let me get your number and I’ll even call you during sex so you can listen.” I jibed.

“It’s five five five, go fuck yourself.” Noir said casually.

“Is that ‘go fuck yourself’ with an ‘oh’ or a zero?”

She rolled her eyes and I felt my own begin to close before I reopened them to find Twilight’s head in my lap. I stroked through her hair and rubbed her eyes while she made noises of approval that just made me want to keep going. She didn’t consent to a belly rub, though she did allow me to pet her thighs since I was rather fond of them. She was a little confused that I was content with just touching her legs, but I told her that not all fetishes had to be outright kinky or perverted, so she let me keep doing what I was doing as long as I kept my hands in a decent place. There were no issues.

We spent the rest of the day letting my house air out, but we were excited about the Bridleland trip and we both knew it. I wanted to hear people with my accent again, even if they weren’t my people and Twilight wanted to see the sights that she’d missed out on, so the day after tomorrow was going to be the one when we both got what we wanted.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Nothing important happened on the day before the trip, so I’m skipping it because all it really included was some cuddling and some more talking. The girls and I all gathered at Twilight’s for a little tea before we hopped onto the train going to Bridleland, but that was the most interesting part before our departure. Besides a whole lot of talking about what we’d see in Manehattan, most of the conversations were about little tidbits of information that the girls had gathered through asking just about any available source. When the fifth hour of the train ride came, the conversation lulled, so Twilight started asking about nuances that were different between England and Equestria, though I warned the girls that they should take my words with a grain of salt since my England and their Bridleland were most likely vastly different.

Still, It was fun to talk to an audience that was wrapped around my little finger and even some of the other passengers of the car had to listen to the strange creature tell tales of a place from another world. I thought that it was super dope that I caught everyone’s attention so easily, and when I asked about if offhandedly, Applejack told me that it was rare for me to talk so much at once without taking shots at someone. I was a little offended by that, but I saw the truth in her words for what they were.

When we arrived in Manehattan, it was nice and nighty out, so we all agreed to pitch in for a couple hotel rooms, despite me offering to pay for everything since I had the scratch to back it up. The girls objected since I was already paying the cost to use the Grand Teleportation Station, so I let them pool their comparatively meager funds and just straight up ignored them while they did. They were pissed that I’d just wrote out a check and paid for four rooms, but I told them that they should pick a buddy and see where that took them instead of trying to be mad at the ever loveable me. They got the point and Applejack paired with Rarity, Pinkie with Rainbow, and Fluttershy with Twilight. Spike and I took the last room since we’re dudes, but that pretty much just meant that the girls were in our room for a lot of the night. I ordered a little champagne for them since it was a special occasion and Rarity raised a toast in my honor, thanking me for financing pretty much the entire trip, stroke the train tickets to get to Manehattan.

We went to sleep around one in the morning which meant that we got a bit of a late start because of Rainbow and Rarity, but all was well since we didn’t have a set time to be anywhere. The longest part of the journey was already up, so we headed to the Grand Teleportation Station a little after noon and I wrote another check, doling out well over two thousand bits for the privilege of watching Twilight, Rarity, and Pinkie all be ill when we arrived in Bridleland. I’d forgotten that Ponies, especially magical ones, hated long distance teleportation like nothing else in the world, though I did find it to be mostly amusing. I patted Twilight and Rarity on the back while they were busy being ill and Applejack helped Pinkie out since I only had two hands. The cowgirl was perfectly fine, but Rainbow and Fluttershy were both feeling a bit queasy themselves, so they had a lie down on one of the benches at the station.

I had a look around while the girls were collecting themselves and had myself a smile. I imagined that this was their analog to King’s Cross if the architecture was anything to go by. I spotted a couple of maps that told us where were actually in Teatown, their bullshit excuse for London. It was a little gross, but I found myself shrugging off the filth I felt and looked around some more. The place was massive and there were a few different species going about their business, but the majority were Earth Ponies that never really had to wait too long whenever they teleported in.

Twilight took the longest to recover, and when she did, I struck up a conversation with the fellow who was manning the station. The fellow seemed like your average bobby, though he’d been watching on in mild amusement, so I was interested in what he had to say.

“Oi, mate! What’s got you all smiley?” I asked with a smirk.

“Nothin’ bruv. Don’t get too many ponies using LDT around these parts, so it’s always funny to see the Unicorns have a time of it.” He answered with a touch of Cockney in his accent.

“Long distance teleportation?” He nodded. “If it makes them this sick, I see why they don’t It’s never affected me worth a damn, but one of those girls is my sweetheart, so I’m only laughing a little.”

He chuckled. “Welcome home, bruv. I hope your Equestrian fillies have a good time ‘round here.”

“Thanks mate, but I have a few more questions before we cut and run.” I left the implication hanging.

He made a gesture. “Then go on. I ain’t gonna bite.”

“I come from a different world, but my country is basically Bridleland. They take up the same spots and the accent is similar, but I need to know if people around here still trade jabs like it’s biscuits over tea.”

“Sounds like home to me. Don’t let nopony take nothin’ too personal while they’re here and you should be right as rain.” He answered.

“Fuckin’ A, mate. Are there any sights we need to see while we’re here? Maybe an ancient circle of stones or a giant clock tower?”

He raised a brow. “I’m guessin’ your country had the same stuff?”

I shrugged. “Pretty much. I’m willing to bet that there ain’t- aren’t,” I corrected myself, “too many similarities, but the monuments sound about right.”

He held up and hand and walked away to a door. I assumed that door lead to a room because he came out of it with a map and a pamphlet. “This is the stuff I usually give ponies who are polite enough to actually say summa to me. I might be from here, but I ain’t too fond of bein’ snubbed.”

“It’s a good enough reason to get rolled if you ask me. Hell, it’s been a good enough reason on multiple occasions when I was younger and dumber.” I chuckled.

He gave me a look. “Just don’t start nothin’ or your visit gets cut short. Might be somepony important for all I know, but that doesn’t mean we Brids put up with that nonsense.”

I nodded. “I understand, mate. I’ve got too many level heads around me to do anything too stupid.”

He returned my nod. “Then I trust ya not to do nothin’ too dumb. Have a good visit, bruv.”

“Take it easy, mate.”

I wandered back over to the girls and showed them the map and pamphlet that I’d received, inviting them to pick something to see so we could have a good couple of days already. Twilight immediately wanted to head south towards Stonehenge, but I wanted to show them the sights of Teatown first since we were already fucking here. No one could argue with my logic, so that’s what we did. With Twilight manning the map, the first thing she wanted to do was take the girls to the Teatown Roller, their facsimile of the London Eye. Pinkie was ecstatic when she saw it and I was happy enough to let her run ahead until she was approached by some seedy looking fuck. The guy looked to be around our age, but his dingy coat that seemed like he’d coated himself in grease paired with the slicked back style of his hair told me that I was looking at a gangster of some kind.

Slimey Fuck, as he will be named, chatted Pinkie up until the group joined her. I could see his eyes sweep across the girls until they landed on me and he gave me a glare.

“Hullo all.” He said, wiping the shitty look off of his face. “I’m guessing you’re all friends of this bonny little bunny?”

Pinkie beamed. “They sure are! The mare with the hat is Applejack, the pretty one is Fluttershy, the white and pretty one is Rarity, the flat chested one is Rainbow-”

“Hey!” Rainbow objected.

“-The less flat chested one is me, the purple one is Twilight, the dragon is Spike, and the nonpony is Max!” Pinkie finished.

He gave us the two fingered salute with a greasy smile and I flipped it back to him. “I know what that means, mate. Fuck you.” I said coldly.

Slimy Fuck’s eyes widened before he grinned again. “Just havin’ some fun with your out of towner buddies, bruv, nothin’ to get upset about.”

“Roll over, mate. If that’s how you greet people who ain’t done shit to ya, I ain’t too fond o’ ya already.” I replied, my inner chav seeking daylight.

“Max, that’s no reason to be rude!” Twilight chastised.

“Yeah, listen to your buddy and don’t take it too personal. Now, if ya don’t mind, I was gettin’ to know your adorable little friend here.” He gave me a smirk.

I wanted to stab this guy.

“Pinkie, you know where to find us when you finish up.” Applejack said softly before heading over to whisper something in her ear. Pinkie’s eyes lit up with an evil glint and she smiled wider at Slimy Fuck.

“Bye!” She said quickly, waving us off already.

“No. No one goes solo in a foreign country. Period.” I said sternly.

Rarity nodded. “I agree. It does seem awfully dangerous to be alone.”

Slimy Fuck gave her a grin as grimy as his personality. “There ain’t nopony alone here, bonny, so just go and have yourselves some fun, yeah?”

“I’ll be perfectly fine!” Pinkie assured us. She let her gaze linger on me before bouncing over to put something in my hand. It was a little barrette she always wore.

I gave Pinkie a quick hug and whispered to her. “You have my full permission to eviscerate this guy if he tries something you don’t like.”

The evil glint returned to her eye and her smile grew dark.. “It’s better I don’t say what’s about to happen. Come find me tomorrow, okay?” She whispered back.

I gave her a nod and looked back to the greaseball. “Take care of her, mate.”

“Oh trust me, I will.” He grinned.

I really wanted to stab this guy.

The girls and I left Pinkie to her own devices and trekked to the Teatown Roller. Applejack took me a little ways from the group to talk to me for a moment.

“So what did you say to Pinkie?” She asked quietly.

“I told her to do whatever was necessary to come back.” I replied. “What did you tell her?”

“I told her that she needs to be careful. I don’t like the looks of that guy.”

“He’s a fucking snatcher if I’ve ever seen one. Pinkie said to come collect her tomorrow, but I don’t think she’s just planning on getting some from him.” I stated.

“What do you mean?” Applejack asked.

“Pinkie is the most dangerous person I’ve ever met. I don’t think that guy stands a chance at doing anything she doesn’t want him to do” I explained.

“Pinkie ain’t that bad, Max, and that’s what’s worryin’ me. She’s an awful nice mare for a scumbag like that.”

“She’ll be okay, firefly. Believe in her and don’t get caught up thinking too hard about it.” I said more loudly.

With everything said that needed to be, we rejoined the group and the girls asked us what we’d been talking about. We told them ‘Pinkie’ at the exact same moment and elicited a few nervous giggles that sparked a conversation about what exactly Pinkie was going to be doing with that guy. I straight up told them that Pinkie was looking for her first piece of tail, but Rarity and Fluttershy assured me that she could find someone better than that, and I believed them as far as I could throw them. Twilight said that Pinkie was probably just looking to make another friend, though Applejack and I traded a look at the sheer level of naivety of the statement, but neither of us were willing to correct her.

We alighted to the Teatown Roller and had a look at the cityscape, though Twilight whispered that it wasn’t as impressive as the one I’d shown her had been. I gave her a hug and a smooch on the cheek for pumping up my ego a little bit while the girls ‘oohed’ and ‘ahhed’ at the sights. I took some time to look out myself, but I didn’t see anything terribly impressive, so I asked to borrow Rarity’s collapsable mirror, though she asked why I needed it. I showed her when I went to stand behind Twilight and got hit twice for being a pervert. Spike told me to stop doing things I’d told him not to do and I apologized for being such a bad role model, promising to keep it to a minimum after that.

We walked around the rest of the town and I chatted up a few strangers along the way. The ‘accents’ varied in thickness, some ranging from brutally Welsh to light like my own. It was just nice to hear familiar voices, though the girls were confused when most of the men I talked to called me names and I traded barbs with them. I ended up talking our way into a pub with a fellow and a few girls from his ‘herd’, though he’d thought the girls were all mine to claim. I told him that while I’d had my dick in most (which got me hit by everyone in the party), that I couldn’t actually call anyone other than Twilight mine.

The fellow named Spotted Swinger took us to a nicer establishment that Rarity and Fluttershy thought was ‘absolutely charming’ and we all had some fish and chips. Ponies don’t usually eat fish, but it was a staple in Briddish life that I was grateful had carried over. I ended up eating Fluttershy’s, Twilight’s, and Rainbow’s fish with Spike got Applejack’s and Rarity’s. I also ended up going through five baskets of fries, but when Swinger asked where I was putting everything, I told him that I always ate as such and that if I didn’t I was left lethargic and tired all day.

Swinger’s herd took the girls to see some more of the sights while the two of us trailed behind them, keeping everyone in our sights. Spike had deigned it worthy of his time to join us as he munched on some fish he’d gotten, though I was pretty sure he was just tired of being surrounded by females constantly. I struck up a conversation with Swinger while we were walking and we came to the topic of the sketchy side of town.

“Hey mate, I know it’s a big town, but do you know of anyone with a real matted down off white coat and greasy slicked back hair?” I asked.

Swinger ran a hand through his own stylish hair. “The only pony I know fitting that description is my brother, Rotten Pock. His name says it all.”

I raised my brows. “Do you know if he has a thing for younger looking women?”

“That means mares, right?”

“Yup.”

“Then he sure does. He likes ‘em as young as he can get ‘em. I don’t really get it myself, but he’s told me before that they’re just better than older mares.”

“That’s pretty gross, mate.” Spike said after swallowing some fish.

Swinger shrugged. “He’s rotten. I don’t even like the guy and I was raised with him.”

“I think one of my friends got suckered into sleeping with him. I don’t know how to tell you this mate, but Rotten might end up missing.” I said delicately.

He barked out a harsh laugh. “That’s what he gets for going for our own damn niece. Rotten is a piece of shit in the worst way, Max. He deserves whatever he gets.”

I grinned morbidly. “The Briddish here really do remind me of my countrymen. You get what’s coming to ya and no one feels sorry when it comes.”

Swinger touched my shoulder with his knuckles. “It’s how life works, mate. You buck up, you get bucked. Nothing else to it.”

Spike started walking a little faster. “You guys kinda scare me.”

“Great minds think alike, and we just so happen to be above average.” I quipped.

“Only above average? I’d say we’re positively adequate!” Swinger chuckled.

“Dear Celestia, there’s two of you!” Spike lamented.

“There’s more of us around. What say I introduce you gents to some of my friends tomorrow? I don’t know how long you plan on being in town, but I think you guys’ll fit right in.” Swinger offered.

“Sounds good to me, but I need to clear it with my woman.” I replied.

He shoved me lightly. “You’re already whipped and you’re not even married!”

I shoved him back, chuckling. “Mate, she’s my everything. If she fucked off without telling me where she was going, I’d have a fucking panic attack trying to find her.”

“Shit, I almost had one the other day when I couldn’t find my main squeeze, if I know what you’re talking about. When Honey Cake went to see her parents up in Shepherd's Field and didn’t tell me, I lost my shit trying to find her for days!”

Spike piped up. “I know when Apple Bloom went to go see some of her family in Appaloosa with her brother and didn’t tell me, I panicked until someone told me that they left.”

“And how long did you stay mad at her?” Swinger asked.

“Only a few days. I didn’t talk to her for the rest of the week to let her know that I was mad, but she kept apologizing and I started feeling bad, so I let it go.”

“That’s pretty cool of you for a Dragon.” Swinger commented.

“He’s a real good kid, I’ll give him that. I’ve only ever had to ground him once, and even then, he stuck to it like a trooper.” I mentioned.

Swinger raised a brow while Spike puffed his chest out. “You're his dad?”

“Nah, I’m like his big brother. The purple one, Twilight, hatched him and is raising him right now.” I expounded.

“Aren’t you two a little young to have a colt his age anyways? I mean, not that I’m judging, but it doesn't seem like the most sensible thing to me.” Swinger said, trying to be tactful.

I gave him a look. “Mate, my life stopped making sense when I got to this world. I just roll with the punches at this point.”

He chuckled. “I guess there’s only so much you can do.”

We chatted for awhile longer until the group of ladies ahead of us stopped and let us catch up, though we took our time in joining them. Swinger and his companions offered to let two each stay at their respective houses, but I wanted to keep everyone together. They pointed us to a nice enough hotel that Rarity still complained about, though I shut her up when I said that criticizing a place we’d been pointed to was rude and more than a little discourteous. She didn’t complain much after that and the girls paid for the rooms for the night, though we ended up with three rooms instead of four. Rarity and Fluttershy took one, Rainbow and Applejack another, and Twilight, Spike and I shared the last one. Luckily, we’d gotten the room with two beds so Spike didn’t have to sleep with Twilight and I like we were his actual parents and he was much younger.

Twilight and I spent a few hours smooching since we’d missed out on a lot of it today, but we kept our hands above the blankets like good children. It wasn’t like either of us were going to risk waking Spike up by doing any funny business, but it was still radical to sleep next to my love.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next morning saw everyone rising at a half decent time. Twilight had fully adjusted to my usual sleep schedule, which is to say, waking up around the same time Applejack and Fluttershy usually do and occasionally a few hours earlier. Luckily, we all arose around the same time and Spike joined us in the hotel lobby for a continental breakfast. I was sure that he was just glad that he didn’t have to make it, and thanks to there being a delegation of Gryphons in the same hotel, they served meats for breakfast too. I tucked into some bacon and a small bit of roast beef for reasons and Spike asked Twilight if he could try some too. She told him no outright, but when Fluttershy and I pointed out that Dragons were supposed to eat meat and that Spike’s vegetarian diet was probably why he’s so small, she acquiesced on the subject and Spike tore everything on his plate apart.

I really needed to give that kid a steak sometime.

I warned him that while I would be happy to share some of my own stores with him, eating meat in front of Ponies in most situations is considered tasteless. He licked his teeth, trying to get the bits of meat stuck within out while he was.

“Got some meat in your mouth don’t you, mate?” I asked casually.

“Yeah! I didn’t know it was that good!” He beamed.

Twilight blanched. “Spike, I think you need a toothpick.”

Fluttershy and Applejack nodded. I shrugged. “Working it out with your tongue is kinda fun. Are you you girls don’t want to try any, just to say you’ve had the experience?”

Applejack shrugged and grabbed a chewy strip of bacon off of my plate, having a bite. She chewed for awhile before shrugging and eating the rest. “It ain’t bad, but I don’t think I’d make a habit of it.”

Fluttershy was next to try, though Applejack had cleared my plate of my last piece, so I went to get some more. I returned with a plate full of the stuff and Twilight gingerly grabbed a piece, nibbling on it like she thought it was poisonous. After a moment, she bit off a little more and kept going until it was gone, but she didn’t seem to like it much.

Twilight scrunched her nose up. “It wasn’t terrible, but it was a lot like eating plain grass.”

Fluttershy nodded, but she kept taking pieces off of my plate. “I don’t know why, but I kinda like the taste.”

“If you eat too much, you might get sick.” I warned her. “Ponies in my world could eat some meat, but they couldn’t eat a lot of it. There are stories and some traditions that said that feeding horses meat was perfectly fine, but I’m not one hundred percent on it.”

Twilight stared at me, her eyes narrowed. “Did you just call us whorses?”

I cocked my head at her. “Horses are like ponies but bigger in my world.”

She nodded. “I thought you were calling us promiscuous for a moment.”

Fluttershy waved a piece of bacon at me. “For the record, I’ve only slept with three ponies.”

“I only got five stallions under my belt, but with you and Flutters, that makes seven.” Applejack added.

Twilight colored. “I’ve never had a stallion, but I slept with Max when he was Roxy.”

They all turned to me and I turned to Spike. “You know they’re trying to call me a whore.”

He shrugged. “If the shoe fits.”

I turned back to them and they leaned forward. I started counting off women on my plate with strips of delicious, symbolic bacon. Once I got to ten, I hesitated. “Does being raped count?”

“Of course not!” They exclaimed in unison like I’d personally offended them.

I held my hands up. “Grow some chill and smoke it. If you don’t count Zeal, then I’ve slept with ten women and had sexual contact with three. Keep in mind that you girls and Celestia make up exactly half of that number.”

“Max, you're a slut.” Applejack chuckled.

I turned beet red. “Shut up.” I muttered.

“I knew it had to be a lot, but I wasn’t expecting it to be double digits!” Fluttershy tittered.

I didn’t reply to that.

“Wow… Sloppy seconds isn’t the word for it.” Spike commented while grabbed a handful of bacon from my plate.

I got up and left.

“Spike! How could you say that!?” Twilight reprimanded harshly

“I don’t even really know what it means!” I heard him protest.

I didn’t really care that much all things said, but I felt dirty now that my sluttiness was being thrown in my face. It was a gross feeling that I felt I deserved, and I knew another shower wasn’t going to do anything, but at the very least I could be physically clean for Twilight if not spiritually. I could wash off any juices that might have been left over from any of my escapades , but that didn’t mean that I could wash the pussy out of my soul, and I was rather sure that I’d faced that fact a long time ago. I change my mind; I was hurt by what Spike, Applejack, and Fluttershy had said, but that didn’t make their words any less true. I was exactly what they’d called me and I knew it.

While I was in the shower, I heard Twilight come in and knock on the bathroom door. “Max? Are you okay?

“I’m alright, I just feel gross.” I called back.

I heard the door creak open and Twilight walked in. I poked my head out of the shower to see that she was stripping down. “Whatcha doin’? I asked.

Twilight finished up with a blush and covered herself before walking over to the shower door. “I’m getting in the shower.”

“I’m already in the shower.” I stated dumbly.

“Just move over will you? There’s a draft!” Twilight protested.

I stepped back and let her in, though she didn’t seem too interested in the water. Instead, she threw her arms around my neck and I blanched hard. “I don’t really want to be touched right now, cherry.”

“Too bad. You’re not gross, so you’re getting touched.” Twilight said firmly.

Speaking of firm, Twilight’s naked body was pressed against mine and a… Problem, was arising quickly. “I get that, but I feel gross. Hence why I’m in the shower.” I tried to remove her arms and she kissed me.

I knew I wasn’t getting out of there anytime soon without returning her love, so I bit back my shame and hugged my lover, reciprocating her kiss until she pulled away. “No matter how unclean you feel or how many mares you sleep with, I’ll always love you Max. There’s nothing in this world that will ever change that.”

I didn’t know how to respond to that, and thankfully the shower made it a good day for rain, so the physical manifestation of my emotions weren’t terribly noticeable. I gave Twilight another passionate kiss for being the imperfect piece of perfection that she was and she went to grab my lower head, but I knocked her hand away and continued kissing her, not wanting to ruin the moment with something as stupid as sex. Twilight was content to let her lips linger on mine for awhile longer, but she eventually broke our embrace to look at me.

“You’re usually so receptive when I go for that.” She commented.

I wiped the excess moisture from my cheeks. “I’m usually not crying when you do.” She touched my cheek and I held her hand there. “Thank you, cherry. I can honestly say there’s nothing in this world that’s worth more to me than you, Twilight Sparkle, and that will never change, no matter how much time passes.”

“Even when I’m gone?” She whispered.

I closed my eyes. “I’ll be reading my journal, remembering the days we spent together as often as possible. For now, don’t make me think about losing you.” My voice hitched and Twilight came in for one last kiss, this one being shorter than the other two by a mile.

Who held who, I don’t really know, but I felt closer to Twilight than I ever had. She put up with so much of my shit and loved me through the worst of times, no matter what rubbish I put her through… Just writing about losing her made me cry, and I can honestly say that the very thought of it makes me want to go and hold her for as long as I can. In fact, Imma do that now. In the meantime, I think I’ll take a break from my journals.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

After the episode in the shower, everyone was already up and Applejack, Spike, and Fluttershy had some apologizing to do. I accepted their words since they were sincere about them and told them that I would have been more offended if they weren’t true. For some odd reason, that made them even more ashamed, though I think it was because of the fact that they’d hit me with a rock hard truth. I could have chosen to stay mad at them, but I reminded myself that being nicer for Twilight was a good way to make her see me as less grey and more white, so I held my tongue, despite wanting to tear each of them down for their own faults.

I had Twilight cast a tracking spell on Pinkie’s barrette so we could go find her, but when we got to the seedy part of town where Rotten apparently lived, Applejack took the lead with Twilight and I rounded up the rear, despite Rainbow claiming that she could hold her own in a fight. I reminded her that I kill shit to make money and she shut up, taking the center of our group to guard Rarity, Fluttershy and Spike from the middle. I let everyone know that I was going to start using my Dark Aura, so they had some time to prepare before I started subtly pushing them away. Spike was rather unaffected and so was Twilight, so I had them join me in the front of the group while the girls followed behind with Applejack taking my former spot in the back.

We made it through the shifty bits unaccosted except for this one time where a respectable enough looking guy asked me if he could talk to Rarity. I, in turn, asked if she minded talking to the fellow and she seemed to be okay with it until he told her that he wanted to tongue punch her fart box in an even more disgusting way than that. The cheeky fucker wouldn’t bugger off when I told him to, but when I drew steel, he got ready to beat feet rather quickly.

Silly bitch, I stab people.

We came to an apartment complex and I had the girls wait outside while I brought Twilight in so we could locate the exact room Pinkie was in. Once we climbed up five flights of stairs to Rotten’s flat, I knocked on the door and waited. And waited. I told Twilight to teleport back to the girls just in case things got ugly, but she put a shield around herself and told me that she’d be fine barring someone as strong as Shining Armour coming around to take a whack at her. After being assured that Shining was actually rather powerful, I stepped into Rotten’s flat and the first thing that hit me was the smell of blood and various other rotten things, ironically. The blood bit was the part that worried me, so I closed the door behind me quietly and snuck around the living room, to the kitchen and to the bathroom. All of those areas were clear, so I cracked the bedroom door and took a glimpse inside.

I saw Pinkie sitting on the edge of the bed with her hair completely straight, smoking a fag. Where she got it from, I have no clue. When she saw me, she reached around to her and put it out on the prone form that was lying on the bed, too still for him to be alive. Pinkie very calmly got up and walked toward me, and that was when I saw the knife in her hand.

“Pinkie…” I said softly.

“It’s Pinkamena right now.” She replied, an innocent little smile on her face.

“Pinkamena. Did you kill him?”

Her smile turned sad. “I had to. He’s hurt a lot of little fillies. Fillies without their Cutie Marks, little more than babies.”

I nodded. “Did you get what you wanted from him?”

“Everything.”

“...The girls are all waiting outside. Don’t tell them about this.”

Pinkamena put her hand on my arm. “They wouldn’t understand like we do. They see me as little more than their foalish friend.”

I kissed her forehead. “Are you okay? I’ve never met Pinkamena before.”

“Me and Pinkie are the same pony, Max. It’s just easier to do my job like this.”

“What do you consider your job to be?”

She looked back at the filth. “To get rid of ponies like him before they can do any more damage. I didn’t take it as seriously until the thing with Zeal. I knew I should’ve taken care of her a long time ago, but you know what they say about spilling blood on your doorstep.”

“I don’t, actually, but I get it. Do you need to clean up?”

“I showered when I was through with him. You don’t actually think I let him buck me, do you?”

“I was hoping that you had higher standards, but you’ve always been a wild card to me.” I said honestly.

Pinkamena hooked a finger into my V-Neck and pulled me down to her level, patting my cheek a couple times. “There’s a method to the madness, sweetie. Let’s go stop worrying Twilight. Tell her that Rotten wasn’t ready to let me go and that you punched him.”

“I’ll tell her that you took care of your own problem. I can’t lie to Twilight.”

“That’s all I can ask then.”

We walked back through the flat and Pinkie’s hair slowly poofed back up until she was bouncing along, happy as could be again. I chalked it up to Pinkie being fucking insane and left it at that since I didn’t want her to think that I disagreed with her. I trusted Pinkie’s, or rather, Pinkamena’s judgement on certain things, and what she said aligned pretty well with what Swinger said. I hadn't been worried about her since I knew Pinkie too well to believe that she’d let herself get hurt, but now that I knew Pinkie could be lethal, I was glad to have another fighting force on the team. Applejack was strong, Rainbow fast, and Twilight magically powerful, but I needed to know that someone besides me had killing potential and it didn’t really surprise me to find that Pinkie was the one who had it.

Twilight asked what had taken us so long and Pinkie said that Rotten was really possessive when it came to new friends and that he didn’t want to let her go. Twilight asked me if I had anything to do with it and I told her that Pinkie Pie handled her own mess quite well, but my lover wanted to go in and have a look. I warned her against it and Pinkie backed me up, so we joined the girls outside to find that there were five other ladies harassing our friends.

“Oi! Bugger off!” I shouted when I saw one of them push Applejack.

The lead bitch smirked at me, but when Applejack tapped her shoulder twice, that was the night when the Lights went out in Georgia.

So what? I listen to Reba. Fuck you.

All Hell was about to break loose until Twilight detained the four remaining shitfuckers and teleported them away, though I don’t know where. When she did that, I remembered to give Pinkie back her hair thing and she beamed at me, though Applejack was just upset that she didn’t get to have the full on brawl she’d been anticipating. If Applejack was disappointed, then Rainbow was downright glum as we walked to the central train station to head south toward Stonehenge.

The day was already super fucked up in my book, but the train ride to Amesbury was pretty cool. The scenery was nice, but it wasn’t the familiar countryside that I’d grown to know over the years. We’d be heading toward this world’s Wiltshire when we got there, but I wasn’t terribly eager to see what lie in wait for me. I mostly just stared out the window of the train until Twilight asked me what was wrong, so I told her that we were effectively heading back towards my home town. She got why I was being so distant after that, but the girls had overheard and the next thing I knew, I was in the center of a group hug. It was nice, but fucking warm.

We arrived in Wiltshire, but we didn’t stay there very long, instead heading toward Stonehenge soon after landing. I would write about it, but anyone who should be reading this has already been there and all Twilight did was take a few commemorative photos and suck up some of the ambient magic. There weren’t many Unicorns there, but the few that were left quickly enough, Rarity being one of their numbers. She headed into town with Applejack and Rainbow since neither of them wanted to look at big rocks all day, and the rest of us met them at the train station because I wasn’t going into town any time soon.

After being in Wiltshire for a few hours, I was feeling worn out. We headed back to London and had a late lunch at one of the nicer establishments around town as per Rarity’s request, though they still had curry, which I fucking love. I hadn't had it since coming to Equestria and I was thrilled to see it in the menu, so I ordered three servings with different magnitudes of heat. I ate in ascending order, but they weren’t as hot as any of Pinkie’s sauces, so I was able to enjoy them quite well, though Twilight asked why I was so fond. I explained that it was one of the few things I could make myself, but I’d just never seen any rice in the Ponyville market and it wasn’t on any menus in Canterlot, so I was pretty much out of luck in that respect.

Still, lunch was good and Twilight mentioned that I needed to slow my roll before I got fat and unattractive. Well, she didn’t say unattractive, but it was heavily implied. She also told me to stop taking her words out of context and I told her to stop being mean and that she was hurting my feelings, which she totally fell for until Spike started snickering like a like a prat.

We walked around the better parts of town for a little bit until I got a note from Celestia asking me why I had just up and left without stopping by Canterlot first. I wrote back using some of Rarity’s least favorite lipstick on the same piece of paper telling her that she could visit me whenever and that all she had to do was ask if I wanted to see her for a little bit most days. She told me that I’d be in trouble for not telling her that I was going to Bridleland in the first place, but I reminded her that I’d written her about it when I’d first made the damn plans in the first place. She apologized for being a shit and I gave Rarity back the last remnants of the horrible shade, but she just threw it away in the next bin we saw.

We met Swinger, Honey Cake, Rose Charm, and Twinkle Twirl for a matinee before we had to hurry up and get to Princess’s Cross so we could ship our arses back to Equestria, but something told me that I should go back to Wiltshire. I ignored the everloving fuck out of that feeling and went back home, not trusting my gut to do the right thing for once. I may have wanted to see my world again, but I wasn’t willing to take the risk of losing Twilight, and that’s all there was to it. I didn’t want the girls to suffer like I was, so I ruled out any possibilities and saved it for a later date, just in case it was something that needed to be done. I don't know why I felt like it was a ticket back to England, but the shit made sense in a weird way. If I'd been thrown from my world while I was in my version of Wiltshire, it only made sense for there to be a repeat of the events.

When we got to the Teleportation Station, there was a new bobby working the runes, so I greeted him and asked that we be sent back to the Grand Teleportation Station. He asked to see our tickets and Twilight had to fish them out of one of her bags. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find them until I reminded her that she could teleport the damned things to us, though I said it in a much nicer way. Once we had our tickets in hand, we were allowed to go stand on some weird marking and we were teleported back to Manehattan. The same girls were sick all over again, and since it was earlier in the day back in Equestria, we didn’t have to stay in a hotel. We did anyway since there was a play that Fluttershy wanted to see the next day, so I booked us another set of rooms for a night and we walked around town for a little bit.

People in Manehattan were arseholes. That’s all there is to it. Even the people in Bridleland, though coarse with their language, meant a lot less harm than the people living in Manehattan, and I found it to be the reason for cursing a lot of people out. Even doing something as simple as asking directions was something that people wanted to bitch and moan about, and by the third person, Twilight and the girls stopped letting me talk to people.

We eventually found someone who wasn’t a bitter, jaded shithead to ask for directions and we passed by the theater we were going to be attending the next day. There was a play going on that day and we’d come with plenty of time to see it, so we bought tickets and sat down to watch it.

Shit was so boring.

Seriously, the whole plot of the story was basically that some farmers daughter had a love interest in a prince, but her father forbid their love because he wanted her to marry some other guy for some bullshit contrived reason, but the woman’s mother was all for it and through two hours of play bullsht, they managed to wear her father down and get his blessing for her to marry the man she loved. It was the typical bullshit in the most typical fashion, and Spike was asleep before the second act out of four. The whole thing had taken three and a half hours and the the only good thing I had to say about it was that the clothes looked authentic and that the actors took their bow at almost the same time. The acting was terrible, the sets were alright, and the stage effects were rudimentary at best, but when Twilight asked what I thought of the show, I told her the truth despite knowing that she’d liked it.

I was called a pessimist until the girls realized that Spike was out cold. I shook him roughly to wake him up and he fell out of his seat which made everyone have a chuckle at his expense. It was a little on the mean side of me to wake him so rudely, but I was still smarting from the ‘sloppy seconds’ comment from Bridleland, so low level fuck that guy. Spike sputtered and asked why I’d shoved him, but I corrected him and told him that I’d actually just shaken him a little harder than necessary. He was still a salty little bitch about it and refused to talk to me until we got to the hotel, but Twilight chastised him for falling asleep in the first place.

I still had to pay for four rooms again, but this time, Rarity offered to take Spike so Twilight and I could have a little alone time and I was fucking thrilled. We spent the time cuddling and Twilight looked over my shoulder as I wrote. She hit me when I got to the part about calling Spike a salty little bitch, but she’s still watching me write. We took a shower together again, but there wasn’t any funny business and we just enjoyed the time together, though Twilight still wanted to reach back and give me a stroke or two while I was washing her back. I couldn’t blame her since it’s me after all, but she stopped before I could rise all the way. The shit eating grin she gave me was enough to make me give her a hug from behind, and when I wrapped my arms around her she held my hands and we just stood under the water for a few more minutes.

We returned to be and she was quite forward with me, straddling me once I laid down to kiss and nibble on my neck, but she was just teasing at this point. I put my hands on her rear and she leaned forward a bit so I could get a better feel, allowing her hair to fall around our faces. I moved my hands to her hips and was glad that the loose pajama pants I was wearing weren’t restrictive, but it was slowly becoming more and more obvious that Twilight wasn’t teasing like I’d thought she’d been.

When she kissed me, her flat tongue wrapped around my competitively stubby one and she took control like she’d had plenty of practice. Twilight cupped my face in her hands and allowed me to sit up after a moment so I could rest my back against the headboard while we continued locking lips. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer, but just as Twilight was reaching to take my shirt off, there was a knock on the door. Twilight sighed hard and let my shirt fall back to where it’d been, getting up to go ‘greet’ whoever had interrupted our fun time.

As it turns out, it was Rarity saying that she couldn’t allow herself to stay in the same room as Spike since they’d had a long chat about his crush on her. The marshmallow mare said that she just didn’t trust herself to not take Spike’s first kiss after learning the depth of his emotion for her and asked if Twilight would mind switching with him. My frustrated lover agreed with a terribly fake smile and Spike came in, apologizing for ruining my night. I told him not to worry about it too much and he grabbed the other bed, but neither of us went to sleep right away. We ended up talking about who we’d rather date out of the girls (stroke Twilight of course) and he was quite surprised when I said Applejack. I explained that I admired her hard working nature and her honesty at most times, though her incredible loyalty was just another plus. I could manage her temper most days and she’d calmed me down a few times herself, so we weren’t a bad match if you ignored the fact that she hurt me way too often. Spike was predictably tied between Fluttershy and Rarity, stating that both of them were generous and kind most of the time and that helping either of them was nice because he usually got a kiss for it. The guy had his priorities after all.

We talked about Rainbow and Pinkie for a little bit, but we both agreed that Rainbow was too much like one of the guys to really consider claiming her as a girlfriend and that Pinkie just wasn’t mature enough to think of as a real possibility. I mentioned that Pinkie could probably put on a facade for as long as she needed, but I relented when Spike said that all it would ever be was Pinkie acting out of character. We added the stipulation that you actually had to like a girl as a person to count her, so Spike came up with an interesting answer as to who he would probably go with concerning the Cutie Mark Crusaders He liked that Apple Bloom was always zipping about or coming up with something ingenious to do for the day, but that Scootaloo was fun in her own right. She reminded him a lot of Dash, but smaller and more crazy about stuff. Her ideas were always over the top while Apple Bloom’s were always more realistic and he liked the grounded nature of Apple Bloom. I inquired about Sweetie Belle, but he said that she wasn’t allowed to see him after she’d pestered him about that one thing.

Spike passed out while I was talking about how Shining Armour and I had reached an understanding, but I couldn’t really blame him since the day had ran awfully long. I followed him after I got this written down. Literally up to this point. Good night I guess.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

This hotel didn’t have free breakfast, so I had to wait for the rest of the girls to wake up. I’d barely slept the night before, but it was becoming an increasingly common occurrence. The first and only thing on the itinerary today was the play, so I wandered into Twilight and Rarity’s room to check if my lover was awake yet. She was not, so I checked to see where she was facing and slid into her bed. She snuggled up to me almost immediately and that shit was fucking adorable, so I started licking her horn like I was a twink and popped it into my mouth, sucking on her bony lollipop until she started moaning and fidgeting around in her sleep. I thought that this was highly amusing, so I kept doing it for awhile and I’m pretty sure she had an orgasm. I wondered what her dream was about while I dried her horn off, though the taste of grapes was strong in my mouth.

I think she shot a magical load down my throat if the numbness I was feeling is anything to go by.

I waited around for Twilight to wake up, but that took around an hour. I’d only slept for a couple myself, so I was happy to take the time and rest while Twilight was asleep. I cuddled up to her a little closer and she rested her head against my chest, making me glad for the thousandth time that most Unicorn horns weren’t terribly sharp. I was tempted to see if I could get her off again, but I could feel through Twilight’s sleepwear that she had, in fact, gotten off the first time and I was sure that she would be upset with me for that. In fairness, I had no idea that you could stimulate a Unicorn through their horn.

Twilight took a little while longer to wake up, but when she did, she looked up and started kissing my neck without ever seeing my face. I scooted back a bit so she could have a proper look and when she shifted around herself, her eyes widened and she threw the blanket off of us, looking at the small mess she’d made while asleep.

She gave me a ‘really?’ look before rolling over to see Rarity snoozing away. Twilight grabbed my hand and dragged me back to the room that had originally been ours so she could grab some clothes to change into and had me follow her into the loo.

“Really, Max?” She said once I’d closed the door as softly as possible.

“Sorry, but your horn looked like a lolly and I would hate for you to be the only one sucking on something.” I grinned.

She rolled her eyes. “At least the dream was good. Are you going to stand there all day, or are we going to get in the shower?” Do you even know what a lolly is?

“Far be it from me to say no.” I started pulling off my shirt, but Twilight held my hands in place and did it herself, giving my chest a lick for some reason.

“Let me do it. You’re always in charge for stuff like this, and I’d like to give back for once.” Twilight gave me some serious pouty eyes and I returned her look with a kiss.

“All you’ve ever got to do is say so, cherry.” I removed my necklace so it wouldn’t get tarnished in the shower and Twilight had some trouble with hers, so I helped her out.

From there, Twilight stripped me the rest of the way and allowed me to do the same for her, though I think unwrapping my present was more fun than being unwrapped myself. Twilight and I snogged for a little while before we realized that she shower was up to temperature, and when we got in I proved my worth as a back washer. Once we got out, we watched the Sun Rise from the window in the room, though we didn’t continue the kissing.

We heard a soft knock on the door and I got up to see that it was Fluttershy and Applejack again, so I figured that Spike wouldn’t be too far behind. I wrote out a quick note for him and we headed down to the lobby for some polite conversation and talks of breakfast. We almost went without Pinkie, Rarity, Rainbow and Spike, but Twilight said that we should just wake them up if we were really that hungry. I mentioned to her that I really was that hungry and she made me do the wake up call because fuck me and what I want to do.

I let Rarity know that I wasn’t going to put up with an hour of waiting for her to do her bullshit, but she told me that perfection takes time. I told her that she’d better get her arse in gear within the next thirty minutes or we were ditching her, and true to form, Rarity wasn’t downstairs in thirty minutes. I was tempted to just ditch the girls and get myself a bite to eat, but I’m just too nice some days. When the forty-five minute mark came, I was feeling a little heated since Rarity had done nothing but hold us up whenever we were trying to go do something. Twilight sensed my souring mood, so she gave me a few kisses, but that didn’t sate the hunger I was feeling. It helped with a different kind, granted, but having an appetite for affection is different enough that I was still pissed when Rarity came down after an hour and fifteen minutes.

Applejack took point before I could hurt her feelings and kindly told Rarity that our earliest of risers had been waiting nearly four hours for a meal already and that her taking her time was just adding to the clock. Rarity brushed it off, stating that beautification was worth waiting for. Twilight held my arm when I started to go back to give her a piece of my mind and I just let out a breath instead of getting the satisfaction I desired so much. It was a bitch, but I figured that it would be better in the long run if I just told Rarity that she only had an hour to get ready from here on. Shit was seriously selfish, and I wondered how she could possibly be the Element of Generosity.

Still, we got breakfast and I had some Manehattan style hash browns that came with chili, a fried egg and some diced onions. Twilight refused to kiss me after words, so we nipped over to a candy shop and I got a few peppermints to help with my onion breath. I got my kisses after that, but Twilight had ordered something with garlic, so I gave her a couple and she blushed hard. After our little detour, we went and saw Fluttershy’s play and Spike was out cold before the first act was over. This play was slightly better than the last one, but it still had a happy ending that was obvious from the beginning. I didn’t particularly enjoy it, but Twilight was on the edge of her seat along with the rest of the girls for most of the bullshit. I got a few kisses for my patience during the intermission and Spike played off being asleep well enough that no one (besides me) gave him any trouble for it.

The rest of the play was just as tedious as the first half, but I didn’t give my full opinion on it when Fluttershy and Twilight inquired as to what I’d thought of it. I told them that it was simply better than the last, and when they asked what I’d thought of the plot, I told them that it was simplistic and a little humdrum. Fluttershy seemed personally offended until I told her that plays and theatre were more of a female thing unless it was a good tragedy like Macbeth. No one knew what that was, so I explained it to them via summary and the rest of the girls listened in. Everyone blanched when I mentioned that it was full of brutal murder and manipulation, but Spike said it sounded better than the plays we’d watched. That landed him and the dog house and I followed soon after when I defended him, but then I started molesting Twilight with my tentacle, she told me that if I didn’t stop I would be in even more trouble. I kept my faffing about to the odd tap or touch in places that could be seen, though Twilight was still annoyed by my nonsense. I reminded her that I could’ve done it during the play and Twilight just rolled her eyes.

We still had to get home to Ponyville and it was going to take some time, so I did some thinking about my relationship with Twilight. Honestly, I couldn’t be happier with my choice in partners, though I did feel like I was taking more from her than I was giving, so I considered what all I could give her until it hit me: I could give her my virginity! Not the anal one, mind you, since that had been taken from me, but I could still give it to her in another form. I grinned goofily to myself and when asked why I was doing what I was doing, I just told them that I’d thought of a good present for Twilight. That elicited some giggles, but more confusion afterwards. Twilight herself knew to just let it happen when I was ready for it, though Rarity and Pinkie tried to badger me about it until I threatened to knock both of them out, though not with magic. Twilight told me to stop being violent, so I threatened to fuck both of them in the arse until they passed out. Oddly enough, Pinkie was the only one disturbed by this, and Rarity had a certain twinkle in her eye.

The train was held up on the way back because there was something wrong with the magical converter or some shit, but once Twilight had a look at it, things were back on track and we arrived in Ponyville a few hours later. The girls went their separate ways, Twilight gave me a kiss goodbye and I went home to enjoy some much needed alone time. There wasn’t much to do with my journals so I went back to writing Midnight Stroll and the Robbed Ruby Ring. I ended up tying the loose ends together nicely after a few hours of reading through to see how things played out and once I finished up, I was tempted to have Twilight make a copy, but I didn’t want to bother her at the moment. I decided to write while the juices were flowing, but the last book in my romance series, A Star-Crossed Love, just wasn’t what I was feeling at the moment so I started another Midnight Stroll book. I ultimately decided that that the next book I was going to write would have a little magic in it, so I went with the story of how I stole a brooch (and a few other things) and gave the thing a few magical qualities. Earth Ponies would get Magic, Unicorns would get wings, and Pegasi would get strength. I liked the idea pretty well, but after the first couple chapters, my flow petered out, so I went into the mindscape to speak with Noir for awhile.

Three breaths later and I was standing in the Old Castle when it was back in its former glory. Noir was sitting in a third throne in the room that was made for such things, though her throne was the same height as the other two. I found it amusing that she’d chosen this place to meet me, but was more surprised that Noir wasn’t doing anything other than sharpening a knife.

“Wotcher, blackberry. Making shit sharp I see.” I commented.

Noir looked up and put her work aside. “As always. I have been doing some thinking, Maximus.”

I winced. “Full name. Bad sign.”

“It simply implies that this is a serious matter.” She rose and walked over to me.

“Lovely. I like serious things, like, SO much. You don’t even understand my level of elation.” I said with a wry grin.

She shook her head. “We have been putting this off for some time now. It is time to expand your repertoire so that you may defend yourself.”

“I do that pretty well already. Between the powers I got from ‘Capital G’ and your Dark Magic, there’s little else I need.”

“Granted, but I would still prefer that you be able to take down the strongest of foes, rather than have your powers suddenly explode within you if you should ever become a Revenant. I am not going to ‘overpower’ you, as you might say, but I will teach you how to direct your magic more efficiently.”

“Don’t I already have the Warbling Blade for that? I mean, I’m ninety percent sure that it’s a catalyst.”

Noir blinked at me. “You mean you possess the Banshee’s Razor?”

I brought it into existence and held it out to her. “I know most Ponies can’t touch it and that it’s magical in some way, but I don’t know much more than that.”

Noir levitated it with magic, her eyes widening and her jaw loosening. “Where did you even get this artifact?”

I furrowed my brows. “You know everything I do, Noir.”

“You have no memories of this blade that I know of.” She replied softly. “This truly is one of Discord’s creations.”

“Discord? I’ve heard the name before, but I don’t know much about him.”

Noir dropped the blade and started shaking like the very though of being near the knife was sickening to her. “Get it away from me. I will not touch something that demon has had his filthy hands on!”

I picked it up. “Okay then. Can you tell me anything about it?”

Noir grimaced. “It will amplify your power since it was forged with Dark and True Magic, but I do not know why you are able to wield it. Where did you find it?”

“The first mission in the Gryphon Lands. I stole it from someone named Hedard, but he stole it from an Equestrian museum and claimed it as a trophy for himself. Since then, I’ve been using it as a regular knife, though there were a few occurrences that made me question whether or not it was enchanted.”

“I’m sure there have been. That knife is truly a one-of-a-kind.” Noir shook her head. “There are worse hands for it to be in, though I wish I’d thought to ask sooner. It should make this task easier, however.”

“My thoughts exactly. So what do you want to show me, if you don’t have any more questions that is.”

Noir shook her head. “I know the history of the blade. I’ll tell you of it later, but for now, we have Dark Magic to make use of. The first thing is Soothsaying.”

“Kind of like using Dark Magic to influence people’s minds, right?”

She nodded. “Exactly. Focus it into your throat and try speaking in a calming tone. I do not have much experience with it since it has been thousands of years since I even thought about using it, but I do believe that this will could be the most powerful weapon in your arsenal if you use it correctly.”

I nodded and tried giving it a shot. I could feel the familiar sensation of ashy warmth welling up from from my navel until it came into my throat. I tried to speak, but for some reason, I ended up coughing on the magic and expelled a little puff of dark grey smoke that was tinged with blue. Noir encouraged me to try again, so I gave it a few more goes. After about an hour of practicing, I tried again but this time I tried using the methods I’d learned from smoking copious amounts of grass to stop myself from choking again. Since I was expecting it, the feeling was easier to manage and I got a couple words out.

“Noir. Give me a hug.” I spoke softly.

Her eye twitched and she made the slightest movement toward me before she smiled. “Not terrible at all. In time you will be able to coerce most beings into doing as you ask, but I warn you to be careful with this power. I know that you have no plans to use it, but it will be useful to you at some point.”

I nodded. “I think I’ve got the gist of it. Should I keep practicing, or are we moving onto something else?”

Noir held her hand palm upward and closed her eyes. Moments later, a navy blue symbol that I recognized as Brimstone appeared in a circle. The only real difference was that the horizontal lines in the top part each had a smaller vertical line going through them, making six crosses on the thingy .

“This is my seal. By focusing your magic into your palm and projecting it upwards, you will find your own seal that you can use to brand certain objects or to enclose certain powers. Finding your seal is a simple enough feat, but using it is an entirely different matter as it takes some practice to get used to.”

“...That’s a demonic symbol in my world, blackberry.”

“I am nearly demonic in nature.” Noir replied simply. “I do like the new pet name, however.”

“Right. So should I give it a shot?”

“I would have told you if I did not want you to.”

I shrugged. “Fair enough.”

I closed my eyes and tried willing the magic into my palm. After a moment, I could feel my hand warm up and I started opening my eyes slightly so I could will the seal into existence. After a moment, smoke started rising from my hand and swirled into a vague shape, the image sharpening as I put more time into it. I had no idea how long I’d been trying, but when I got it to work, it looked something like a Star of David with overlapping lines, surrounded by a Celtic bands, but with grey tinged in a royal blue.

“Holy shit.” I whispered.

Noir beamed at me until she realized I wasn’t smiling. “Maximus, what is wrong?”

“I really am one of the chosen few... This is the Star of David, but I don’t get what the outline means.”

Noir perked up before frowning deeply. “The symbol of the Hebrew people. I understand its significance, but I cannot read your mind right now. Something more powerful than me is warding me away, blocking my access.”

Something struck my shoulder and I turned around to see what it was. An image of Morgan Freeman popped into my mind for some reason and I decided not to comment on it. “Yeah, I figured that might happen. If anything, that just cements what was in my journal.”

She nodded. “Indeed. I need not tell you to hold any comments indefinitely.”

“Exactly. So how do I use my seal? Can I just fling it at something, or can I charge it with an enchantment of some kind?”

Noir blinked and shook her head. “It still surprises me that you are so knowledgeable without ever having lived in a magical world. Yes, you can load it with certain commands such as ‘Wither’ or ‘Seal’, but you can also mark things with it using no magic. I have never tried ‘flinging’ my seal as you so delicately put it.”

I decided to give it a shot while it was still in my hand and threw it at a wall with all of my force behind it. I hurt my shoulder in doing so, but my hypothesis proved correct when I saw it stick and glow for a moment before settling in. I turned to Noir and she gave me a ‘not bad’ look.

“So I can fling it, but can I enchant it and then fling it?” I asked.

Noir imagined a humanoid target. “Give it a try. Focus your magic into the seal and throw it. Keep in mind that your enchantments can only affect certain things. Changing a person’s color, size, or using it to kill are all off of the table. You can, however, use it to make someone’s heart ‘Wither’ or erode their mind. There are precious few boons you can use it for unless you wish to be trained in True Magic, but even then, True Magic is far harder to use.”

“Don’t Celestia and Luna use True Magic or some shit to raise and lower the Sun and Moon?” I asked.

She gave me a look. “You do not truly believe that they can even hope to affect such things. No, they could turn the planet slightly faster, but it would take them a great deal of focus to do so.”

I shrugged. “In a world full of impossible shit, why would that be any less likely?”

Noir rolled her eyes. “Asides aside, try to fling your seal at the target.”

I shrugged again and tried focusing the word wither into my seal, trying to draw every definition of the word into my mind as I did so. I felt like it worked after about five minutes and threw it at the target. The seal felt something like a decent cricket ball; it was easy enough to throw, but once it moved in a direction, it kept going at the initial speed it was set, so when it smacked the construct in the face, its head jerked back and it stood there for a moment before it slowly fell to its knees. Once it fell backwards, Noir clapped a hand onto my shoulder.

“I knew your natural apropos for dark things would suit you well! I am proud of you, Max!” She gave me a warm hug that I returned after a moment.

“Good to know that the stains on my soul make me good at doing evil shit.” I chuckled.

Noir held me at length and frowned. “My magic may be dark, Max, but it is by no means evil. There are only evil people and differing versions of morality that constitute some things as evil. Soothsaying could be used for great misdeeds, but for good reasons, I am sure that you understand when and whom to use it on. Nothing in this world is inherently evil. Not even Discord.”

“I’m not saying that things are evil by nature, and you know me well enough to understand what I mean by that. Some things are just easier to use for evil, like necromancy. That, and to my knowledge, Dark Magic seems to be mostly offensive in some shape or form.”

“It is not all offensive.” Noir said, seeming hurt.

“That’s not what I’m saying. Why don’t you teach me how to mend wounds or something similar like typical white magic from my world?”

Noir pursed her lips. “The only way for you to heal another is to pump Dark Magic into their wounds, but that may drive them completely insane. You and I are some of the handful of beings that I know can use Dark Magic without the severe side effects.”

“Becoming an emotionless husk isn’t one of the severe ones?” I asked.

She sighed. “I can protect you from that most of the time, but…” Her eyes widened and she smacked her face with both hands. “I have just thought of something! What if you use your seal as an early indicator of your emotional distress? If you do not make it bind your power, but use it as an early warning system, you could easily recognize the issue before I notice anything!”

“So I just load it with the command to get hot or something if I start getting distant? That’s… That’s actually fucking brilliant. Two heads really are better than one.”

Noir beamed. “I am glad I could help, though I recommend using the cold to warn yourself. Heat hurts.” She rubbed her upper arm.

“I’ll be sure to do that when I go. Are there any more tricks you want to teach me?”

She shook her head. “There is precious little that you could not figure out on your own. If you want to experiment while you are here, I would be happy to guide you.”

“...The weaboo trash part of me wants to make a Rasengan.”

Noir gave me a look. “The Chidori suits you better.”

“Both make me want to chop my hands off so I’m not tempted. Can I store up Dark Magic into a thing or something so I can use it later? I should have asked earlier, but is there a limit to my power?”

“You can store your power into either sapphires or onyx in my experience, and in a manner of speaking, you can run out of magic. It would take either sealing a good deal of Celestia’s power or killing an ancient Dragon, but you can run out.”

I nodded. “So what happens if I do run out?”

“You will enter a coma for days on end. Not very conducive to winning a fight.”

“Right. Are you sure there’s nothing else I actually need?”

“Just keep your eyes open and do not die. If you ever become a Revenant, then you will be far more powerful, but there is no telling how it could change your mind. Your propensity for darkness could lead you to become a ruthless tyrant, or you could remain the same sarcastic man I have known and grown to love.”

“Aww, Joanie loves Chachi!” I grinned.

Noir rolled her eyes. “I will break your teeth with a steel toothpick.”

“Brutal…” I looked around for a moment. “So… Do you wanna cuddle or something?”

Noir beamed and we appeared in my old house. There was a new fashioned projector that was displaying the opening sequence to The Room on the wall and I groaned before Noir loaded up Nightmare on Elm Street. That was a lot better and a little ironic, but the part that made me laugh was when Noir tried to cuddle up to me like she was half her size. That gave me a few chuckles and she settled for putting her arm around me like she wore the pants in the relationship.

Speaking of Noir, she just told me that she does wear the pants. Sometimes I wish I couldn’t hear her bullshit.

We watched the movie, but neither of us were terribly scared by it, so we just got a chuckle at some of the gory scenes and left it at that. I took my leave from my mindscape while Noir was practicing playing pool and when I arrived back in reality, I had some more inspiration, so I wrote some more of the Midnight Stroll book. I was liking how it was turning out, all things said, but it struck me as a little odd that I couldn’t really find a place for a real love interest. I guess Midnight was just supposed to be a player of sorts.

Just as I was about to smoke my pipe, Rainbow came knocking at my door, asking if I had anything interesting for her to read. I lead her into my study after a few jibes, calling her an egghead, but she took the lumps with pride and said that there were worse things to be such as a dork like myself. I just rolled my eyes and asked if she wanted romance or adventure. She said a little bit of both, so I let her borrow A Single Breath and Midnight Stroll: A Mission for a Princess. Rainbow said that she’d already read A Single Breath since Twilight had ordered it, but that she hadn't gotten her hands on A Thousand Moments yet. I had a copy on hand, so I lent that to her and she started talking about how much she liked the author. She assumed that it was a female writing since the protagonist was female, but when I told her I wrote them under the pseudonym Emerald Eye she still didn’t believe me. I rolled my eyes at and lent the Midnight Stroll book to her too, though I was sure I wouldn’t see either for a month or more.

Rainbow asked me some questions about A Thousand Moments, like what I thought about the main love interest and his intentions with my protagonist, but I told her that I couldn’t really theorize because I already fucking knew where I was going with the story. Dash still didn’t believe that I’d written it, so I told her to ask Twilight and left it at that for the time being. She told me that she would and that lying had no purpose in the matter, but I maintained that I’d been honest and even offered to let her read the first few pages of the next Midnight Stroll book since I had published them under the same name. Once I showed Rainbow and she double checked to make sure that the books I’d let her borrow had the same author, she gushed about how much she’d fallen in love with A Single Breath and that she’d jilled off to it multiple times.

I didn’t need to hear that, so I told her to either put my pipe in her mouth or get the fuck out. She chose the intoxication route and filled her mouth with my pipe’s prodect before coughing the fucking bowl out. It was seriously gross, so I washed it out, dried it off and packed it again so we could have a proper smoke. I warned her not to hit it so hard, but Rainbow is dumb at the best of times and nearly did the same damn thing. She ended up sleeping on my couch for the rest of the night and I debated on waking her up to tell her that three of her friends had been fucked on said couch, but I wasn’t that much of a dick. I could’ve been, but I’m not.

I got her a blanket and went upstairs to look at myself in the mirror for a little bit. I wasn’t checking myself out, but I was looking for a good place to put my seal. I figured that it would look nice on on my left pectoral, so I focused on bringing it forth into my palm and stuck it to my chest once I’d gotten the terms of application set up. The first thing that I noticed was that it as if I’d shoved dry ice straight into my chest, but I couldn’t pull my hand away until it was over and done with. My jaw hurt from clamping it down so hard and my pec still felt awfully chilly, but after about thirty seconds, the pain faded and I was good to go. Come to think of it, it looked a lot like an oddly colored tattoo and when I paid more attention to it, the thing almost appeared as if the blue in it was glowing.

I put my shirt back on and located my Dragon Fire to send Twilight a message goodnight. I didn’t kiss the page, but I did spray some cologne and wave it through the mist so it would smell like me. She sent a reply a couple minutes later with a heart drawn on it and with that, I took my happy arse to bed, but for some odd reason, I could swear I heard howling from nowhere.

Chapter Thirty-Four: She's Back!
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Thirty-Four: She's Back!

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Chapter Thirty-Five: Don't Fucking Do That.
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Thirty-Five: Don't Fucking Do That.

Chapter Thirty-Five: Don’t Fucking Do That

Twilight and I were enjoying some morning coffee outside, talking about the party the night before when I got two letters in rapid succession. One was a formal invite to Fleur’s soiree happening in a few days and the other was Ponyville’s glassblower telling me that he’d made a working prototype of the thing I’d had him make for me. Both of these little tidbits made me smile, so I asked Twilight if she wanted to accompany me into town so she could see my little pet project and if she wanted to go to Fleur’s party with me. She agreed to both, so after finishing our coffee and taking separate showers, we wrote a letter to Fleur, left a note for Trixie, and headed into town. The glassblower guy was up nice and early, though he tried to request more money from me for the job. I told him that a hundred and fifty bits for a single piece was more than fair and he stopped his bullshit once Twilight explained the ins and outs of a proper business agreement. He’d almost gotten sworn at for trying to con me, but the Son of Sinbad worked well enough and I just wanted to get Twilight super lit.

We stopped at Twilight’s Treebrary since we’d been spending most of our time at my house and my lover just wanted to lay in her own bed with me for a little while, so we put off using SoS until after we did some mild cuddling in Twilight’s bed. I was starving after an hour, so when we came downstairs to find that Spike hadn't made much of a breakfast, we went shopping to fill her pantry, though that reminded me that I needed to do the same. I left SoS at Twilight’s for the time being and we bought a lot of shit. Like, a ridiculous amount of crap. Twilight ended up teleporting our bags back to our respective houses and we agreed to meet for lunch after we got our own breakfast situations sorted, but I bargained for brunch at my place since Twilight still can’t cook worth a damn.

I got home and got my shit sorted while Trixie was meandering out of bed. She shyly asked if she could borrow some of Roxy’s livery since she still didn’t have any of her own and I suggested that she spend the rest of her morning going to go get some, especially if she had a date later. That made her blush, though she saw the wisdom in my words and agreed that it was a good use of her time. I made her some pancakes as a quick breakfast and she went off to go do just that while the day was still young.

She actually walked into Twilight as she was leaving and they exchanged some pleasantries, and when asked about what she was about to go do, Trixie mentioned that she had to go pick up some undergarments so she could stop using mine. Twilight suggested that she go visit Rarity and have her show Trixie some of the best stuff around town and Trixie agreed after a moment’s hesitation, not wanting to disturb someone for her own personal bullshit. I respected that.

Twilight helped me make some stuff and I devoured fifteen massive pancakes. Cherry warned me that eating so many pancakes was something Pinkie would do, so I made a healthy salad and ate it without anything on it, which totally sucked. Something about that odd situation made Twilight ask me when my birthday was and I told her that I didn’t really remember since it had been at least five years since I celebrated it on the actual day. I did remember that it was sometime in early May, that being the fifth month on the Gregorian calendar. Twilight told me that were were closing in on the end of the fifth month on the Equestrian calendar, so we’d most likely missed my twenty first birthday. She wouldn’t let that stand, so she told me to write down everyone that I wanted at my birthday party, but I responded by telling her that I just didn’t want one. I’d attended Spike and Rarity’s birthday parties and they just hadn't really appealed to me at all, but Twilight was adamant that we celebrate me making it through another year alive. I pointed out that I’d actually died like, three times, and she told me to shut up.

Twilight refused to talk to me until I gave her my list, which was completely unfair. I thought it was some bullshit, so I wrapped her up with my tentacle and gave her a tummy rub against her will, making her turn into Pony shaped preserves in my arms. I gently tummy tortured her until she started shivering, which made me stop before I could properly piss her off. It was one thing to molest her, but it was another to make her orgasm against her will. However, Twilight immediately hopped off of my lap and dragged me to my room so I could finish the job, but even then I still had to make her a list of friends and family.

I invited pretty much everyone I liked and we agreed to have the party at the end of the month, though Celestia and Luna immediately sent back notes asking what I wanted as a present. I didn’t want anything, actually, and told them as much, but Twilight told me that I was going to be getting presents. I put my foot down and told her that I would submit to the party, but not to getting free shit for no other reason than existing. Twilight evidently heard the steel in my tone and backed down. Luna actually kept up a short chain of letters and asked if she could teleport me to Canterlot for some time to ourselves, but Twilight told me that she would put a hoof somewhere uncomfortable unless she could watch. I let Luna know what she’d said and the Princess of the Night agreed after a few minutes.

Without further ado, Luna popped into my house and requested that Twilight and I keep the day’s events to ourselves. I told her off for just teleporting in instead of knocking like I’d asked her to do multiple times, but I was dutifully ignored until I lead us upstairs where I started ordering Luna around like she was my bitch. Without going into too much detail, the afternoon’s proceedings involved a paddle, a small switch, some hoofcuffs, some orgasm denial, and more than a handful of toys, though any that were inserted into the usual place were only handled by Luna by her own request. I respected that enough and may have been a little rougher with her as a result, but it was nothing compared to what I put Strawberry Petal through. Seriously, that woman was a glutton for punishment in all the best ways.

Anal may or may not have been offered to me, but Twilight didn’t want me to partake in that so Luna and I were both shit out of luck. I’d rather desired to nail another princess, but it just wasn’t in the cards for me today, so I sighed and asked Twilight if she’d be willing to take care of me afterwards. She told me that I had someone right in front of me willing to follow orders, so I turned to Luna and told her to open wide.

I learned very quickly that Luna was not good at that.

After being bitten far too hard, I left a mushroom shaped imprint on her cheek and replaced my trousers, frustrated and a little annoyed. Twilight and Luna were fucking with me and I knew it, so I decided to get back at both of them. I moved onto the cane and let Luna get used to some mild stuff before I put my full weight and force behind a swing. It was fucking brutal. A large welt rose almost immediately on both cheeks as Luna let out a pitiful yelp and started whimpering, so Twilight rushed over to see if she was okay. After some shaky assurances that she would be okay, Luna turned around and gave me a black look, her eyes glowing. The next thing I knew, I was in Canterlot Castle, Luna was fully clothed, and she had me by my throat. It was made very clear that if I ever hit her that hard again, she would do the same to me tenfold. I warned if that if she ever bit my dick again, that I would spend years worming my way into her heart and tear her apart just when she got comfortable with loving me. My threat was a lot more savage then hers, so she told me that she would abuse Twilight in my place. I replied by threatening to leave her and Celestia completely if she so much as laid a finger on Twilight.

I understood that I’d fucked up, and at this point, I was just fucking with her. When she drew me in close to snarl something or other, I licked her nose and fondled her ears a little bit, giving her a dopey smile. Luna was rather confused at my change in tone and demeanor, so she asked if I was crazy. I responded by telling her that I was crazy enough to taunt and chastise royalty on a daily basis. Luna let me go and she teleported us back to my place, though Twilight was working herself into a tizzy, crying and apologizing for teaming up with Luna to mess with me. I gave her a kiss and told her that pulling the wool over my eyes only worked if I was super high or blackout drunk. She was surprised to learn that I’d known that they were messing with me, but when I asked about how they’d gotten the idea to fuck with me, she said that they’d come up with it during a telepathic conversation.

I thought that was cheating like fuck, so Luna and I teamed up to get revenge on Twilight. Luna encased her in a magic bubble after healing her aching bum and teleported us to a decent sized hill outside of Ponyville. Twilight asked why she was in a Magic-Proof Bubble, but Luna just smiled before kicking her down the hill like a Spartan. I thought it was fucking hilarious. Luna and I took our time in catching up to Twilight, and once we did, she was still lying down after being made dizzier than a college freshman after their first party. Luna let the bubble go and Twilight encased me in one of her own, so Luna rolled me down the same hill. I, however, am awesome and just tucked myself into a ball to avoid getting too dizzy. It worked well enough, so I was ready and on my feet when Luna and Twilight came down to laugh at me.

Luna and I pretty much just kept doing mean shit to eachother. She whacked me in the balls once or twice, so I clam slammed her with my tentacle and we stopped going after the genitals once we laid out some ground rules. Twilight teleported home so she wouldn’t get caught in the crossfire, and after Luna and I were done fucking around, we joined Twilight for a cup of tea and told her about some of the terrible things we did to each other, like Luna running her thumb up the crack of my arse or me swatting one of Luna’s breasts while wrestling to get some much needed distance. All in all, it was a fucked up but fun way to spend the morning and pretty much every part of my body was aching, though it was in a good way.

While cuddling and enjoying a nice cup of tea, Twilight asked, “So why are you and Luna so close now? I know you two bonded over the… Stuff, from earlier, but the way you hit her with that cane made me want to cry!”

I shrugged. “I don’t really know myself. When we left, we threatened each other a little and we just decided to get back at you. Luna’s always had a whimsical streak in her just like me and I guess our stupididity just works well together.”

“You know you pronounced that incorrectly, right?” Twilight inquired.

“Pronounced what incorrectly, cherry?” I asked innocently.

She rolled her eyes. “Moving on. I just don’t see how you can hurt somepony like that and still be friends.”

“It’s because we’ve both done far worse things to people and had far worse things done to us. I wouldn’t stay mad at Luna for long if she did something similar to me, but if she hit you like that, I’d be out for her head. We just know what lines can and can’t be crossed, though I’m still finding a few of hers.” I said.

“It would make me feel better about you two if you promised to never hurt each other like that again.” Twilight said softly. “I know Princess Luna likes pain, but she was really upset when you hit her too hard.”

“I know. She grabbed me by the breathing bits when we teleported away. I promise I won’t hit her like that again without good reason.”

“No, I don’t want you to hit her like that at all!”

I pulled my arm from her shoulders and gave her a look. “Twilight, there’s a very serious possibility that I may have to kill Luna depending on the situation. I’m not going to make a promise I can’t keep.”

She glared at me. “You have a lot of ways to avoid hurting her, like knocking her out-”

“Fucking how? Luna is a lot stronger than me, and my magic is fucking pathetic compared to hers. Luna has Unicorn, Dark, and True Magic at her disposal and she’s had thousands of years to get good at it, but that’s not even mentioning that my Dark Magic will never work against her unless I go full-blown Revenant. You and I both know that’s just not an option. I’m strong, cherry, but I don’t have a hope of just ‘knocking out’ Luna.”

Twilight set her jaw and crossed her arms, staring straight ahead. “You should be more focused on finding a way to not kill her.”

I scoffed. “I’m trying not to die and that’s literally the only thing I can do. If you think of something, feel free to let me know.”

“I want you to end things with Luna.” Twilight said critically.

“I’ll write the note when I get home.” I said, trying to even out my tone.

Twilight waited a long minute before replying. “Thank you.”

I cleared my throat. “You already know I’ll do whatever you ask within reason.”

“I know.” She turned to me. “I trust you, Max, but I don’t like that you’re so friendly with somepony that might try to kill you.”

“There’s a reason I’m so friendly with her, Twilight. Friends hesitate to kill friends, and even if that only buys me a second with Luna, it’ll count in the end if I have anything to say about it.”

“...So having you break things off with Princess Luna is worse for you than remaining in this terrible relationship?” Twilight asked, exasperated.

I shrugged. “To my knowledge, yes.”

“That makes no sense.”

“That’s because you’re naive.” I stated simply. “Don’t take offense to that, by the way. From my perspective, most ponies are naive.”

Twilight grabbed my hand. “You’re forgetting that you let me read your journals. I already knew that. You’ve seen a lot more of the world than nearly any pony in Ponyville, and you haven’t even been here a year yet.”

I sighed and squeezed her hand. “You’re astute and you pay attention. Too much sometimes, but I’m glad for it now.”

She laid her head on my shoulder. “I guess you could continue your thing with Luna if you think it’ll make you live longer.”

“I really do. Either that or she’s using pain to distance herself from me, but she seems to enjoy it well enough.”

Twilight sighed. “I love you, but I really don’t understand you sometimes.”

“But that just makes me interesting, right?” Please say yes.

She chuckled. “Most of the time. Sometimes it’s infuriating, but-” There was a knock on her door. “But it’s worth it to be with you. I’m going to go get that.”

“I’ll be waiting with baited breath, my beloved.” I grinned and she patted my arm before going to the door.

I could hear Rainbow’s tomboyish voice from the library proper and I severely hoped that she wouldn’t try to start shit when I’d just sorted out the mini-argument I had with Twilight. That hope slowly dwindled as I heard the conversation she was having with Twilight.

“What kind of guy just takes the side of somepony he barely even knows!?” Rainbow yelled. “You need to sort Max out, one way or the other, Twilight!”

“Rainbow, I really don’t appreciate you talking to me like this and Max is his own stallion. You should be talking to him, not me. I’m not taking sides on this-”

“Why not!? I’ve known you longer and he’s in the wrong! He threw me out of his house during a slumber party that was supposed to be just for us!”

Rainbow’s voice was rising, so I got up from my seat and got a little closer. I had faith that Twilight could make her see reason, but Rainbow seemed to be looking for a reason to be mad.

“Because you really did disrespect him, and Trixie never actually did anything to you. If you would’ve just given her a chance-”

“Why should I!? It’s not my job to be nice to every pony I come across and she never gave me a reason to like her in the first place!”

Twilight was quiet for a moment. “...If you think about what you just said, I’m sure you’ll realize just how terrible that was.”

“It’s true! Max is a complete shithead to half the ponies he talks to and he just gets away with it, so why can’t I!? I decide I don’t like one pony and suddenly I’m the bad guy!”

“Rainbow, everypony knows Max isn’t a good pony. He says it himself all the time! Acting like him gets you treated like him, so you shouldn’t be surprised!”

It was Dash’s turn to get quiet. “I am not acting like that buckhead.”

Twilight’s voice turned sub-zero. “You’re right. Max usually has a reason for acting like a mule.”

I heard an impact and something heavy fall to the floor. “Take it back!” Rainbow shouted. The fuck just happened?

“Did you just hit me?” Twilight asked, shocked.

Oh. That’s what happened.

I numbly walked into view and saw Twilight on her arse, rubbing her jaw with a furious Rainbow Dash standing over her. Rainbow might have been mad, but I was so far beyond that, I don’t comprehend how I didn’t black out and maul her to death. Twilight heard me coming and looked at me, her eyes widening before I raised my hand in a gesture asking for her silence. Through a clarity I’d never witnessed before, I realized that murky smoke was rising in rivulets from my skin, but I didn’t pay much attention to it. Rainbow was now looking at me, somewhere between shocked and terrified to the point where her body seemed completely frozen as if she was a deer in headlights.

Punishments popped into my mind. I could Wither her and make her lose a great majority of her youth, but Twilight would be upset by that. I could inflict Pain on her, but the same problem would arise. Something told me that I could make her fade into her own shadow and see how she liked being incorporeal for awhile, but that just didn’t appeal to me, so I decided to stay on my nice streak and only do something mildly horrible.

My magic found its way into my throat without me having to focus it. “Rainbow Dash.”

She was silent.

“Kneel.” I commanded.

Her body moved against its will to obey mine. Once she was kneeling, Twilight stood up and grabbed my hand, but her words fell on deaf ears.

“Apologize.”

Her eyes went to my lover, full to the brim with tears of fear and hysteria. “T-T-Tw-Twilight I-I-I-”

“Speak Clearly.”

She swallowed hard, but I was sure that it was an automatic reaction. “Twilight, I’m sorry for hitting you. I was wrong-”

“Head Down. You Don’t Deserve To Look At Her.”

Her chin touched her chest.

“Lower.”

She put her head to the floor.

“Continue.”

“I was wrong, and I promise that I’ll never do it again. I was just so angry that you said I was like Max and I’m mad at him.”

I turned to Twilight who was staring at me in horror. I cleared the magic from my voice and spoke again. “Do you accept her apology?”

“M-Max?” Twilight murmured.

“Yes, my beloved?” I stared at her blankly.

“W-Wh-What h-happens i-if I s-s-say n-no?” She gripped my arm tightly.

“She leaves. Killing her would upset you, otherwise I would have done so already.” I stated matter-of-factly.

Twilight seemed a little less scared now. “I-I don’t accept, just don’t hurt her. Please?”

“As you wish.” I raised my hand in Rainbow’s direction and she dropped into her shadow. I don’t really know where I sent her for sure, but I knew it was still in Ponyville and it was somewhere I’d been.

At Twilight’s renewed fear, I said, “She is alive and well, though Rainbow is no longer welcome in my presence.”

“M-Max? A-Amour? A-Are you in there?” She asked, searching my face with tears streaking down her cheeks.

When I went to brush them away, she blanched at my touch. “I am Max, but not. Once I calm, I will sleep. We will speak when I wake.”

“O-Okay.” She said anxiously.

I nodded and looked for a shadow to step into. Twilight’s was the closest, so I did a little jump and hopped into hers, slipping into the darkness and somehow changing momentum in the middle of my fall to start rising. At the shift, I felt myself pass through a barrier of some kind and I saw Noir’s face for a moment before surfacing in my closet. I don’t know how I got there or how the magic I’d used worked, but I still knew that I would be better once I slept. I walked out of my closet and scared the shit out of Berry Blitz before ordering her to get out of my room. She wasted no time and I laid down, falling asleep moments after closing my eyes.

For some odd reason, instead of heading into the dreamscape, I was in my mindscape and Noir had her hands on my shoulders within seconds. “Maximus, Calm Your Heart.” I could feel the magic in her voice, but right now, I had the option of resisting it.

I decided to listen to her and felt the strength leave my body instantaneously, leaving Noir to hold me to her chest. “What the fuck was that?” I whispered, my voice as weak as the rest of me.

“That was you going ‘Full Blown Revenant’.” Noir explained. “It would seem that assaulting Twilight in anger is a trigger for you to ‘lose your shit’, as you would say.”

“Holy shit… That was…”

“Terrifying? Invigorating? Addictive?” Noir said softly.

“Yeah.”

I felt a the customary breeze as the scene shifted and opened my eyes to see that we were on the beach again. Noir picked me up and laid down on a spacious lounge chair, but she held me on top of her like I was a child or something. I also noticed that Noir was slowly growing much larger than me and that I was suddenly wearing gym shorts and no shoes. Noir stuffed my now tiny form between her breasts and I rolled onto my stomach so that I was looking up at her. It was an interesting feeling.

“Max…” She said in a pleasant tone. .

The vibrations from her voice soothed me. “I don’t wanna do that again.” I replied.

“If Rainbow Dash’s sheer terror was anything to go by, she will never lay a hand on Twilight again. I would ask that you allow Twilight to be upset with her, but it is clear that you take the offense very personally.”

“Rainbow would be dead if it wasn’t for Twilight.”

“She would indeed, though I am now very happy that you have Twilight in your life, that is to say, happier than I was before. If you do become a Revenant, I would not be surprised to find that your morality would stay intact as long as Twilight is around to guide you.”

“And when she’s gone?”

“Then Luna and Celestia will have no choice but to put you down.” She said sadly.

“Shame. Is there anything we can do to stop me from getting to that point again?”

“Besides turning you into an emotionless husk, no, there is not. Going into a ‘Blank Slate’ kind of fury happens rarely enough for you anyway. It may come in handy, so I would not seal away your magic either.”

“...I don’t like that Twilight saw it.”

“She could have seen you kill one of her friends. She could have seen you tell one of her friends to kill themselves. At that level of power, Rainbow Dash had no hope of denying your will.”

“Terrifying.”

“Quite. Do not worry, sweet child, you will be okay. Twilight will be okay. Rainbow can rot in Tartarus or Hell, but she too will be okay, though she will be considerably wiser for today’s events.”

“I hope so.” I closed my eyes and enjoyed Noir’s soft, warm, squishy fur for a little bit.

She hummed me a song to help calm me down a little more and I would have fallen asleep to the gentle vibrations if I wasn’t already technically asleep. I still don’t know how exactly I ended up in my mindscape, but I’m chalking it up to either Noir or magic and calling it there. For the moment, I was just enjoying the time away from my problems, though they still worried me.

For one, how safe was I to be around if I wasn’t in control of my actions? I was already prepared to kill someone if they ever hurt Twilight, but Rainbow was supposed to be a friend and I knew for a fact that she would have been torn apart slowly and painfully if I’d had my way while I was tapping into the Revenant bullshit. As it was, Twilight was the only reason she was alive and I hoped that the experience would humble Rainbow Dash, just like how Trixie’s near death experiences had humbled her considerably. Noir told me to stop letting it get to me while I was still tucked away in her bosom and she’s telling me to let it go now, but I can’t help but feel like an animal waiting to snap at someone right now. I’m afraid of myself, but I’m more afraid of what happens if someone hurts Twilight and I kill them in front of her. Losing Twilight could mean that I go Revenant early on and that’s not an option either, but it’s pretty clear that while I can think in that state, I can’t reason or be reasoned with by anyone other than her or Noir.

Noir just told me that while I’m a Revenant, she can influence some of my choices by talking to my rational subconscious. I asked if she’d turned me away from killing Rainbow and she denied it, though she did have me come back home and go to sleep so she would calm me down. If anything, she’s my failsafe in case I go off of the deep end, but how could I not worry about becoming a fucking Revenant without warning?

My mind wasn’t completely at rest when Noir told me it was time to go, but it had calmed enough for me to not have a fucking panic attack or something, so I considered myself in the clear for the time being. I felt a shift in the softness I was feeling and sat up in my bed, more than a little wistful that Noir couldn’t have let me take a little more time with her. My muscles ached slightly and my skin felt a little raw, but other than that, I was fine, if not a little mentally exhausted. I heard someone take a step and sat up sighing. Twilight and Celestia were looking at me while I was sleeping (Which was fucking creepy), and I gave them my full attention.

“Sup?” I asked.

Celestia raised her brow. “Twilight said that you were furious with Rainbow Dash. You don’t seem very furious.”

“I had a great nap. Really helped with that.” I replied.

She nodded. “I see. May I have a seat?”

I shrugged. “I have chairs and a bed. Take your pick.”

Celestia moved to sit on the bed and Twilight came to take a spot next to me. “Are you okay, amour?” Twilight asked softly.

I held my hand out and she took it after a moment. That only hurt a little bit. “I’m a lot better than I could have been. You saved a life today, Twilight. I’m really proud of you.” I gave her a little smile.

All I got was a worried look, so I turned to Celestia. “Did Twilight already tell you what happened?”

“She told me that Dark Magic was pouring from your body and you ordered Rainbow Dash to apologize for hitting her.” Celestia said softly.

I nodded. “That’s the gist of it. Apparently I tap into my Dark Magic when I go beyond emotion.”

Celestia sighed. “You tap into it more easily. There is still magic leaking from you, Max.”

“I would seal it if I could, but it would kill me.”

“What makes you so sure?” She asked softly.

“It’s fused into my soul, so I’d effectively be sealing that away to. I might still be alive once I resurrect, but I wouldn’t be Max anymore.” I replied sadly.

“What about limiting your emotions so that you don’t grow that angry again?” Twilight offered.

“No can do.” I said.

“He wouldn’t be the same man he is now. Max would be little more than a husk and would most likely die from starvation or dehydration in turns until we removed the seal.” Celestia replied.

Twilight bit her lip. I noticed that there was a split where Rainbow had punched her. “There has to be something.”

Celestia shook her head and gave Twilight a sad smile. “If the trigger and the cure for Max’s anger are what I think they are, the only way to keep him in his normal state would be for you to stick around.”

I rubbed my thumb along the back of Twilight’s hand. “She’s right. If you weren’t around, I would have hurt Rainbow. Your will is my will when I’m like that.”

“...So if I'm angry enough at somepony, you’ll kill them?” Twilight whispered, shocked.

Celestia and I nodded at the same time and answered in unison. “Yes.”

“...I don’t think we should spend much time apart.”

I kissed her hand. “We already don’t. The problem is with people hurting you, not me being a loose cannon. Barring someone causing you physical harm on purpose, I won’t go into that state again.”

“So I can’t tell you if somepony hurts me?” Twilight asked.

“No, I’m saying I can’t witness it. If someone hurts you and you don’t tell me, then I’d be rather offended. I won’t go into that state again, but I’ll still be mad. No one hurts my cherry.” I gave her a sincere smile, but Twilight still looked worried.

“Still, I’d like to converse with Noir to see if she has any insight on the matter.” Celestia said.

“I forgot you knew about her, otherwise I would’ve told you that everything I’m saying is coming from her. While I was napping, she pulled me into my mindscape and got me out of my mood using her magic.” I responded.

She nodded. “Then I suppose there is nothing I can do. However, thank you for keeping me updated on the situation, Twilight. If something like this happens again, I’d like to know the details of the event.”

“I’ll write you myself if Twilight isn’t able.” I offered.

“That’ll work too. If you’re okay, I need to get back to Canterlot.”

“Twilight’s here and I’ve got Noir plugging some holes. I’m as okay as I’ll get.” I gave her a crooked smile.

Celestia crawled on my bed and gave Twilight and I both a hug before teleporting out, which was fucking rude. My lover pushed me back onto my pillows and laid her head on my chest, making my heart pick up slightly. I’m sure she heard it, but she didn’t comment as I stroked her hair and did precious little else until I realized that I had to pee. I hated to ruin the moment, but I needed to go then and there, so I had Twilight get up for a moment and went to go do my business. When I came back, she was sitting on the bed, waiting for me to return.

I crawled back to where I was and we picked up from there until someone tapped on my door. Berry poked her head in and asked, “I-Is now a bad time?”

“Kinda. What do you need, BB?” I asked.

“I-I know you told me to get out of your room, but you just seemed… Off, I guess. Are you okay?”

I patted Twilight’s arm. “I’ve got her here to keep me on the level. Thank you for your concern, love, and I’m sorry I was a prick earlier.”

Berry smiled. “It’s okay. We all have bad days and it’s nice to know that you have a mare to make it better for you.”

“What if I wanted a stallion? Does that not fit your ideals, you homophobe?” I teased.

Twilight weakly whacked me. “Stop messing with your employees and get back to cuddling. I’m still processing.”

I started stroking her hair again. “You heard her, Berry. Make like a tree and skedaddle.”

Berry gave me a funny look. “I just washed your sheets, just so you know.”

Twilight sat up and closed the door with magic before laying her head back on my chest. “Before you say anything; Yes, I know that was rude, and yes, I could have handled that better.”

“She was invading our alone time. I don’t blame you for a moment, cherry.” I started stroking her hair again and she sighed.

Twilight felt up my arm while I was doing stuff. “Rub my ears? Please?”

I did as she asked and she sighed. “I’m sorry I made today so rough for you. If I’d handled the Rainbow thing better-”

“She’s violent and stupid.” Twilight interrupted. “It’s really hard to see why I’m even friends with her right now.”

“She has her good moments.” I meekly replied. They’re few and far between, but they exist.

“Rainbow nearly hit you and she did hit me. The girls and I need to have the same talk we had with Applejack, but with her. Dear Celestia, is that mare a bucking hypocrite!” Twilight snarled.

I stopped caressing her ears and had her sit up so I could give her a kiss. Twilight returned it vigorously and pouted when we stopped. “Calm down, Twilight. You pride yourself on your rational thinking, so take yourself out of the equation and look at it like this: Rainbow’s been making mistakes, but there was still something in her that made you want to be friends with her in the first place. I don’t see it, but I’m sure you do-”

“Not right now. That cunt bucking hit me!” Twilight growled.

Kisses weren’t working. “Alright, then we’re coming up with a gameplan: We have the girls talk to Rainbow, yourself excluded for the time being, and we let our friends handle this one. I want every bone in her body broken and you don’t want to look at her, so we’re going to avoid doing those things, okay?”

Twilight worked her jaw. “I think we should be through with Rainbow. All she ever-”

I kissed again, hoping that the magical properties would get her mind off of it, but she pulled away. “I’m serious, Max. If Rainbow isn’t willing to listen to reason, then she’s not worth being around.”

“I’m honestly disappointed in you for saying that, Twilight. You sound like me.” I said sadly.

She looked away. “It’s how I feel.”

“I know, but Rainbow is still your friend-”

“No, she’s not. Start getting letters written out to the girls because I’m calling a meeting.” She paused a moment and sighed. “Please do that. I’m sorry for trying to order you around, I’m just upset.”

I hugged her. “I know, cherry. I’m not going to hold it against you. I’ll grab some paper and a pen; you go grab some wine and have a glass or find my pipe and smoke a bowl. You need to calm down.”

Twilight teleported my bowl and her own box of herb into her hands. After seeing that it was empty, I gave her her my last box of the first plant I’d cut down and she took a hit before passing it to me. We finished four bowls before Twilight mellowed out enough to not be livid at the mention of Rainbow, so we finally headed downstairs and surprised Trixie while she was drawing a picture of Orchid. Her infatuation made me smile and I asked how her date went, and she told me that she hadn't gone on it yet. I checked my pocket watch and saw that it was only six, so I asked Twilight if she minded that Trixie stick around for the meeting. She agreed since Rainbow had started all of this nonsense with Trixie in the first place, so it was only fair that she get to have a say in what went on.

I got the notes written out and Twilight decided to have some wine. Granted, she used wine to chase down a few shots of my formerly favourite bourbon, but she still drank it, so fuck you. Fluttershy showed up first with Applejack, then Pinkie and Rarity. With the gang all in my house, we opened the conversation with what had went down since I’d only mentioned that Twilight was calling a meeting in my notes. Applejack was the first to point out that we should wait for Rainbow if we were going to have a meeting, but Twilight told her that the meeting was about Dash in the first place. Twilight continued on with the story and only didn’t really leave much out. Where she forgot the specific phrasing of something, I helped her along since she was a little drunk at this point and I had to explain that I’d been trying to calm Twilight down before they’d all gotten here.

Applejack took her hat in one hand and ran a hand through her hair. “Alright, so what you’re tellin’ us is that Rainbow, the most loyal pony out there, has now thrown punches at two of our friends? I know it’s a little off topic, but doesn’t that make her one heck of a hypocrite since she was so up in arms about me hurtin’ Max twice?”

Twilight threw her hands up. “I said that!”

I put my hands on her shoulders since I was standing behind her. “Easy, tiger. Let’s hear what everyone has to say first.”

Rarity coughed after a moment of silence. “It seems to me as though Rainbow Dash needs the same talk we had with Applejack.”

Fluttershy nodded her agreement. “To think that she’d hit Twilight of all ponies…”

Pinkie shook her head. “Dashie’s always been stubborn and feisty, but that doesn’t excuse her. I can’t believe she refuses to see that she’s wrong!”

“Stubbornness has a way of blinding ponies. Trixie knows she had to nearly die for her to learn that being stubborn isn’t always a good thing.” The blue woman added.

Applejack looked at her. “So what do you make of this, Trixie?”

“Trixie cannot say. Trixie hasn’t known Rainbow Dash long enough to see any of her good qualities yet, so she will withhold judgement.”

“Smart mare. Unlike somepony.” Twilight muttered bitterly.

I squeezed her shoulders. “Try not to dwell on it, cherry. Trust me, I know you’re upset-”

“She bucking hit me!”

“I know that, but being angry isn’t going to solve anything. You need to keep a level head right now, Twilight. Maybe you should sleep on it and-”

“I’m still going to be mad when I wake up-”

I took my hands off of her shoulders, put my fingers in my mouth and put them in her ears. “Ew! What was that!?” She cried, trying to clean her ears out.

“That was me trying to get you to use your ears instead of your mouth. Stop interrupting me.” I said firmly.

Twilight turned around and stuck her tongue out at me and I replaced my hands. “As I was saying: You’re angry and angry words end friendships. You’re listening about as much as Rainbow was, so stop being like her and be like Twilight.”

“I’m just surprised you didn’t hurt her for hurting Twilight.” Rarity said. “The old Max would have punched Rainbow Dash until he was tired of it.”

“You’re forgettin’ that Rainbow pushed him way past that point, Rares. I’ve only been to that point once and the only thing that stopped me from breakin’ the mare I was fightin’ was Big Mac pullin me off of her. It’s like you see stuff in a whole different light, and the rest of the world just don’t matter no more. You just wanna hurt the pony that hurt your loved one.” Applejack explained.

I nodded. “I was going to straight up kill Rainbow Dash, but that would have horrified Twilight. That’s the only reason that woman is still alive right now.”

Rarity stared at me for a moment. “...How are you feeling now?”

“I’m going to break the hand she hit Twilight with, regardless of what decision we come to.” I declared.

Twilight reached up and grabbed my own hands. “And you were planning on telling me this when exactly?” She turned and raised a brow at me.

“As I was leaving to go track Rainbow down shortly after this meeting.” I stated.

“Max,” The girls chorused. Twilight didn’t say anything.

They looked between themselves and Pinkie spoke up first. “I agree with Max. If somepony laid a hoof on the pony I love, I’d break it.”

The girls, including Twilight, stared at her. Applejack had something to say. “Alright, the three of ya don’t need to be nowhere near Dash any time soon”

“Agreed.” Rarity said quickly.

“S-S-Same here…” Fluttershy added.

“Trixie knows you have done worse, but you consider Rainbow Dash a friend, Max.”

“She stopped being my friend when she hit Twilight. She’s either going to have to get from Ponyville to my house on her knees, or she's having her hand broken. It’s set in stone.” I said.

Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy all traded a look, but Applejack was the spokesperson this time. “We get that you’re mad, sugarcube, we really do-”

Twilight cut in. “What you don’t understand is that Max is talking about something he calls a ‘blood grudge’. When he says something is set in stone, it’s happening. Rainbow’s either getting here on her knees or she’s paying her debt in blood.”

I nodded. “What Twilight said.”

“I think our best bet is to tell Rainbow to start crawling.” Pinkie said softly.

Applejack glared at me. “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”

“I’m not trying to make a right. Vindication isn’t about making things right, it’s about making sure your message is clear. My message is that hurting Twilight is the fastest way to getting fucked up.”

Fluttershy put a hand on Applejack’s arm. “I think Pinkie’s right. If we don’t want Max to hurt her, I think Rainbow’s going to have to do what he said.”

Rarity huffed. “I am not going to let that happen. Regardless of the circumstances-”

I stared at her, making her stop mid sentence and swallow. “A-As I was saying…” She trailed off and looked to Applejack for help.

Applejack nodded. “I get what you’re tryin’ to say, Rares. Rainbow’s been messin’ up lately, but that ain’t no reason to hurt her over it or try and humiliate her.”

I turned my gaze to Applejack. “So what do you do if a full grown stallion punts Apple Bloom across a room?”

She met it readily. “I kick his tail in and send him cryin’ to his momma. Twilight ain’t your sister, Max.”

“You’re right. She’s not. I’ve never had a blood sibling, but I do know that my love for Twilight runs deeper than any other I’ve ever had. Mo one puts their hands on my cherry. I don’t give a damn if it’s Celestia or fucking Luna themselves, Shit is getting wrecked.”

Twilight tapped my hand while Applejack and I had a staring contest. “So what happened to letting our friends handle this?”

“I never said I wasn’t going to fuck her up for punching you.” I pointed out.

She shrugged. “Maybe I’ve just been spending too much time around you, but I get it. Girls, if you can convince me to not be mad at Rainbow, I’ll ask Max to not break her hand.”

Applejack leaned back in her chair and let out a frustrated breath. “How are we gonna get through to you when you haven’t said a darn thing about Max not goin’ after her!? You want Rainbow hurt to, and by the looks of it, her apology didn’t mean squat to ya!”

“I could’ve forced Rainbow to apologize or I could have ripped her limb from limb. There really weren’t any choices there.” I said.

“Why even call this meeting if you’re just going to go hurt her!?” Rarity exclaimed.

“Max didn’t call the meeting. He just told you that I was calling the meeting.” Twilight reminded.

Applejack and Rarity groaned. Applejack leaned back further and slid her hands down her face while Rarity buried her face in her hands on the table. Fluttershy coughed a couple times to get our attention. “W-What if I give Rainbow the option right now? I’m not the fastest pony, but I can get to her house before Max can.”

Twilight gripped my hand and I got the message. I kept my face nice and placid while Applejack and Rarity practically shoved her out the door before returning to their seats. Applejack took point. “Alright, all in favor of Max hurtin’ Rainbow, raise your hand.”

My hand and Twilight’s stood alone. “Okay. All opposed?”

Applejack and Rarity’s hand went towards the ceiling while Pinkie and Trixie abstained. “Alright, so it’s dead even all three ways, except we know Fluttershy’s opposed. Max, I hate to play this card, but you’re seriously riskin’ losin’ the three of us as friends if you hurt Rainbow.”

“As friends, you should understand why he’s so mad. Max has said multiple times to everypony that he would kill whoever puts a hand or hoof on me. Rainbow’s getting off easy compared to what he was prepared to do.” Twilight pointed out.

“Look sugarcube, I know that, but Rainbow is our friend.” Applejack pleaded.

“Twilight, we know you’re upset now, but why don’t you give yourself a few days to cool off?” Rarity suggested.

“What you girls aren’t understanding is that Rainbow didn’t just hit Twilight, she punched their friendship in the soft spot. Rainbow’s supposed to be the most loyal person around and here she is turning on two of her friends within the same fucking week.” I said calmly.

Applejack and Rarity didn’t meet my eyes, so I continued. “What you’re ignoring is the bullshit I've put up with from Rainbow. The first thing she did when we met was attack me, the second major thing was that she tore my fucking house apart and never even apologized for it, then she has the nerve to disrespect myself and one of my guests in my home before trying to throw a punch at me, and to top off that little shit cake, she hit my goddamn Twilight.” I paused for a moment. “I know multiple Twilights, but this one’s mine.”

Twilight squeezed both of my hands. “When you look at it like that, you gave Rainbow a lot of chances.”

“I did, and she blew every second chance I gave her, so why don’t you girls tell me what you would do to the person who dissed you, fucked up your home and never paid for it, and hit your special some’pony’?” I asked.

Applejack sighed and Rarity closed her eyes. “We get what you’re sayin’, Max. Rares, we might as well try Twilight.”

Rarity opened her eyes and looked to my lover. “Twilight, if our years of friendship have meant anything to you, don’t let Max do this.”

“Easy for you to say. The last time Rainbow hit you, it was an accident, but if I recall correctly, you still stopped talking to her for a month. You said we should stop being friends with her. You said that someone as careless and inconsiderate as Rainbow Dash isn’t worth being around.” Twilight reminded.

Rarity shut up.

“So you’re just gonna throw years of friendship down the drain because she got mad and hit you once? Sugarcube, Rainbow and I fight like cats and dogs all the time-”

“Except the one time you two had a real fight, you had to apologize to her for cracking her teeth.” Twilight said flatly.

“And she let it go!” Applejack threw her hands toward Twilight.

Twilight gave her a bored look. “After you sucked up to her for two weeks. May I remind you that when Rainbow hit you, you said it was funnier than it was painful? I’m not built like you, Applejack. It hurt.”

Pinkie waved a hand, her hair completely straight. “Rainbow still hasn’t forgiven me for sending a dick shaped cake to her while her dad was in town and that was years ago. She hit me for that.”

Everyone looked at her. “Pinkie, darling, why did you never tell us?” Rarity asked, shocked.

“Because I still want to hurt her for it. Rainbow has pulled some serious nonsense, and I know I don’t have much room to talk there, but at least I don’t go around sucker punching ponies because I’m upset.” Pinkie shook her head.

Applejack made an embittered noise. “So ya just been lettin’ that wound fester all this time!?”

Pinkie shrugged. “She never bothered to apologize for it, even when I tried bringing it up to her. Rainbow doesn’t like to see that she’s wrong.”

Applejack banged her head on the table. “That’s. Not. A. Good. Rea-son.”

“If she won’t see that she’s wrong on her own, then why would she when other ponies try to tell her? She and Gilda were friends for a reason.” Pinkie said quietly.

Rarity gasped. “Rainbow Dash is not Gilda!”

“You’re right. Gilda never hit anyone, no matter how mad she was.” I said.

Rarity stood up abruptly and left the room, but I didn’t hear her leave the house. She came back and sat down after a moment to cool off. “Max, if I may, could I request a glass of wine?”

“Do you want something stronger to go with it?” I asked.

“If she don’t, I do.” Applejack said, face down on the table.

“Then I’ll be right back.”

I wandered down to my cellar and started looking through my shit. I found some of the Local Special that I still had leftover, but it didn’t seem like a good time to make anyone trip balls, so I grabbed the Zap Apple Jack, a bottle of something clear, and some white wine. When I went upstairs, the girls were all doing shots with the bourbon I’d left up there from when I was trying to calm Twilight down. I handed Rarity the wine and a glass, so she poured herself some before I handed some vodka to her. She filled the rest of the glass and slammed it down in one go like a champ. Applejack told me to save the Zap Apple Jack for a happy time and started chugging the bourbon because she’s an actual savage. Twilight asked if we could smoke a little more since she didn't want to drink and Pinkie joined us in partaking of the Devil’s lettuce. Trixie cooled her heels and just had a glass of the red wine I'd brought up from earlier.

While we were drinking, Fluttershy came back a little sweaty and mildly exhausted. Once we got her sat down and poured her a drink, she delivered her news. “Rainbow just wants you to break her hand.” She said softly.

Applejack started in on the bourbon again and finished a quarter of it. “Stupid mare!”

Rarity put her head down. “I think I’m going to be ill.”

“So when does she want to do it? Did she say?” I asked.

“She said she wants Twilight to do it...” Fluttershy replied.

Twilight shrugged. “She doesn’t deserve a choice in the matter.”

“Aww come on! At least do the job yourself!” Applejack groaned.

“Twilight never said a word about doing it herself. I’m the only one who’s talking about doing a damned thing, so I’m pretty sure I should be the one to do it.” I stated.

Rarity and Applejack just groaned again. Fluttershy lifted her hand. “...Are you really going to risk estranging three of your friends-”

“We covered that one, darling. Twilight shut us down.” Rarity sighed.

“...And you just let her?” Fluttershy asked incredulously.

“So you’ve never been betrayed by or had Rainbow pull bullshit on you?” I asked.

“No! Never!” Fluttershy protested.

Twilight made a disdainful noise. “You mean like when she got two of your birds killed and never told you about it? Like how whenever you hint that you know it was her who got Mocky Mocky and Falco eaten by that one condor, she lies and won’t fess up?”

Fluttershy’s face dropped. “Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh.” Twilight said softly.

“Trixie sees that you all have grievances or have had them with Rainbow in the past. Trixie thinks you should not simply let these things go unspoken if you really are friends.”

Twilight squeezed my hand and I tapped her shoulder once. One barely audible pop alter, Rainbow was on the floor and all eyes were on her. She took one look at me and froze. “So, Rainbow, it seems like you’ve pulled some shit with two of your friends other than Twilight. We’re going to talk about that before we get to the main event.”

Rainbow turned to Twilight and Applejack and Rarity stumbled over to her. “We ain’t gonna let you just hurt Rainbow in front of us!” Applejack shouted.

“Are you truly such a barbarian!?” Rarity yelled.

Rainbow sighed and stepped around them. “I might as well face the music while it’s playing. What ‘bullshit’ are we talking about?”

Pinkie piped up first. “Do you remember giving me a black eye after I sent you that cake while your dad was in town?”

Rainbow glared at her. “Yeah, I remember that. You deserved that.”

Pinkie glared right back. “You told me yourself that he never even saw it and that you still ate it.”

“Like it or not, you should’ve apologized for hitting Pinkie.” Fluttershy said.

“She sent me a dick cake with my dad around!” Rainbow objected.

“But did I ever attack you? Did I walk into your home and hit you when I saw you?” Pinkie spat.

Rainbow turned her eyes back to Pinkie. “I’m not apologizing for that!”

Applejack stumbled back to her seat and laid her head on the table. “Seriously Dash, you’re not helpin’ your case at all here. You were out of line.”

“What? So you’re all just going to gang up on me now!?”

“Actually, I would shut the fuck up and apologize to Rarity and Applejack because they’ve spent the last half an hour or so trying to get me to not break your hand.” I said calmly.

Rainbow didn’t dare look at me. “I’m sorry.” She said angrily.

“And those were just more pointless words added to the pile.” Twilight said drily.

I nodded. “Yup. Fluttershy, your turn.”

Fluttershy looked at her hands. “...Rainbow… Do you know what happened to Mocky Mocky and Falco?”

Rainbow’s eyes shifted around the room. “You know?”

“...I’ve known since a week after it happened. A lot of the animals that were there from two years ago still hate you.”

“Fluttershy…” Rainbow took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I lied to you about that, it’s just… How was I supposed to tell you that I got two of your animals killed because I found a good spot to fly?”

“...You could’ve confessed when I brought it up. I gave you so many chances…” Fluttershy buried her face in her hands and started crying.

Twilight was by her side in an instant, soon followed by Rarity and Applejack. “I know your Element isn’t honesty, but lyin’ to a pony you’re supposed to be loyal to is just messed up, Dash. And so is hittin’ ponies you’re supposed to be friends with.” Applejack turned to face her.

Rainbow didn’t have a leg to stand on. “...If it helps, I’m sorry for hitting you, Twilight.”

“It really doesn’t.” Twilight responded crisply. “I hope you learn your lessons after this.”

I looked at Rainbow. “I believe it’s about that time. Twilight? If you would send us to about… Let’s say about a good fifteen minute walk away from the hospital.”

Rainbow’s eyes sparkled, so I added, “If you try to fly there, I’m breaking your wings. I don’t mean crack, I mean shatter.”

She gulped and nodded, though her eyes still wouldn’t meet mine. Twilight wasted no more time and sent us off to my desired destination. Once we got there, Rainbow held out her left and told me to ‘Just get it over with already’, so I wrapped her hand in my tentacle and applied a good amount of force to it. What she wasn’t expecting was me to know that she was right handed and that Twilight had told us that she’d punched her with her right hand. Rainbow’s face bloomed in confusion before it quickly contorted into anguish. All she could do was croak and fall to her knees while I watched. Noir just told me that while I was justified, it was still a terrible thing to do.

Like I could feel pity for her.

Rainbow spent about ten minutes rocking back and forth, clutching her ruined hand and sobbing. Once she could breathe, she asked, “How could you do this to another pony!?”

I knelt in front of her. “When you hit Twilight, I was going to kill you then and there. Magic can fix your hand, so suck it up before I cut it off. “

Rainbow glared at me through tear filled eyes. “I should’ve known you were a monster when you said you killed those Gryphons!”

“That’s not going to change anything. I am who I am, and there’s nothing that you of all people can say to make me feel bad about that.” I said emotionlessly.

She let out a pain filled shriek and I rolled my eyes before hefting her onto her feet by her left arm. She cried out while I was doing that, but she should have been grateful that I was leading us toward the hospital. We garnered a lot of stares while we were walking toward the hospital and once we cleared town, Rainbow had more to say.

“I never should’ve saved your life! Things were fine before you came here!”

I stopped her and stood in front of her. “I died in your arms, Dash. I was dead when you got me to the hospital. You never saved my life in the first place: You carried my corpse from Applejack’s farm to the hospital.”

“That’s a lie! The Princesses-”

“The Princesses themselves told me that they had to bring me back to life with magic, just like when I died in Fluttershy’s house.” I started leading the way to the hospital and she hobbled on, gasping as every other step jarred her hand.

“Doesn’t the fact that I tried count for anything!?”

“It does. That’s a part of the reason you’re still alive, Rainbow Dash.” I said casually.

She grit her teeth and stopped talking until we got to the hospital. Once there, we were seen almost immediately by a nurse named Redheart until Rainbow was actually seen by a doctor. Once they gave her some pain killing magic, the doctors and whatnot had a looky loo at Rainbow and boy did I ever fuck her up Her breaks weren’t as bad as the ones Applejack gave me the last time I was here, but they weren’t too far off. Still, after a few days of treatment in the hospital, Rainbow would be perfectly fine, though her hand would probably ache when it was particularly cold, though it wasn’t like I didn’t have the same problem with my own formerly broken bones on occasion.

Rainbow kept her mouth shut about what really happened, though whether it was because I was there or if she just didn't want people to know she’d gotten hurt willingly, I don’t really know. I do know, however, that Rainbow was a real trooper once the pain was manageable, though she wasn’t as big a twat to me as I was expecting her to be. Once we got a moment alone, Rainbow told me that she understood why I’d hurt her, even if she didn’t like it at all, and she even apologized to me for hitting Twilight. I accepted her apology since she’d already gone through her penance, but I did let her know that we were starting from rock bottom if she wanted to stay friends. Without pain clouding her mind, or maybe because she was doped up on magic, Rainbow agreed and we shook hands on it.

While I was waiting with Rainbow, the thing with Pinkie came up and I asked her why she’d been so upset about the dick cake. She told me that she just thought that it was inconsiderate and I pointed out that it was a lot more inconsiderate to punch someone for something that hadn't hurt you in the slightest. Rainbow got the point and resolved to apologize to Pinkie. She got the chance a lot sooner than she expected because the girls and Trixie showed up to see if she was doing alright. Rarity cried about the whole thing because she was a little drunk and Applejack apologized profusely for not being able to protect her from my scorn. Rainbow assuaged both of their worries by telling them that she hadn't even cried and that what I broke was fixable anyway. The ten or so minutes she spent on the ground told a different story, but I could appreciate the facade.

Twilight and Rainbow had a short talk and Twilight basically forgave Rainbow because she was willing to deal with my punishment, and Pinkie forgave her because she finally admitted that she was wrong. Fluttershy was still hurt, but she said that she forgave her, so all’s well that ends well I suppose. Trixie had been hanging out in the furthest corner of the room until Rainbow called her forward and apologized for being both a hypocrite and a twat when Trixie had first shown up. Trixie forgave her easily since she knew what it was like to have a healthy distrust of strangers, although her life in Ponyville was proving her distrust to be baseless so far. I reminded her that most people outside of Ponyville still sucked and she nodded her assent.

Nurse Redheart asked to have a word with me personally when she came back and checked up on Rainbow for some odd reason, so I had a quick chat with Twilight before joining the nurse in the hall just in case she was trying to get some fuck all up in her stuff. Twilight told me to stop thinking that everyone was trying to sleep with me and I pointed out that a lot of women wanted to, regardless of what she thought. My lover rolled her eyes and told me that it was fine if Redheart asked to sleep with me, but that I couldn’t cum inside her, so with that knowledge, I joined Redheart in the hall.

Now, Redheart was a pretty attractive mare, though that may have been her color scheme talking. She had a white coat and a light pink mane that reminded me of Fleur and her heart shaped face and posterior made me want to give her a shot, if that was what she wanted. The look on her face when I left the room told me that my hopes were pointless and the frown she was wearing told me that I was probably correct in assuming that she knew how Rainbow broke her hand.

“Excuse me, but you are Mr. Maximus, correct?” Redheart asked curtly.

“I sure am, love. What can I help you with?”

“I and Rainbow Dash’s doctor, Steady Hoof, are just wondering how she broke her hand so badly, but only her hand.” Redheart stared me down.

I lifted a brow. “Would you believe me if I told you she wanted to try taunting a creature of the Everfree?” I spent a month in the Everfree, and you could technically call me a creature.

“I wouldn’t.”

I shrugged. “Then I don’t know what to tell you.”

“I just have a hard time believing that Rainbow Dash managed to cause so much damage to herself.” Redheart crossed her arms.

Time for some acting. I narrowed my eyes and crossed my arms. “I really don’t like what you’re implying, Redheart. Spit it out or go do your job. Accusing me of shit isn’t going to get you anywhere.”

She folded her own arms. “Did you break her hand?”

“Why would I walk her here personally if I did? And if you don’t recall, Rainbow is the one who carried me here when I got hurt by Applejack, so unless you don’t think that counts for anything, you can go jam a needle into whichever cheek you want.”

She glared at me. “That’s not a no.”

I rolled my eyes. “Sure, I totally broke my friend’s hand. Are you satisfied, twat?”

She glared harder. “If you’re not going to tell me the truth, then I don’t see a reason to continue this conversation.”

“If you’d like to take it elsewhere so you can keep being a little shit, then let’s go.”

She jammed a finger into my chest. “I know what you did to Strawberry Petal. She told me that you're the pony who bruised her like that!”

I gave her a ‘Seriously?’ look. “Seriously? Did Strawberry not tell you that she asked me to do that to her?”

Redheart blinked. “What?”

“Yeah, you’re friend has some serious kinks. Ask her yourself if you don’t believe me, I’m not the type of person to just go around beating on people just because I feel like it. Strawberry wanted to be hurt, so I obliged within reason.”

The nurse just stared at me for a moment before turning to the wall and banging her head against it a few times. Once she was done with her nonsense, she picked her hat up and adjusted it. “That explains why she was so happy to show off those marks.”

I stepped closer and booped her nose. “See? You jumped to conclusions. Understandable conclusions, but you still came after me rather unpleasantly. That hurt my feelings.”

She sighed. “I’m sorry, Sir Maximus-”

“Call me Max, it’s less of a mouthful.”

She gave me a little smile. “Max then. I’m sorry Max, but the evidence was stacking against you.”

“I’ll be sure to lean away when it starts doing that again. You Ponies really like things to be cut and dry, don’t you?”

“I’m a Manehattan mare. I pay too much attention, unlike some of the Ponyville ponies.”

I nodded. “I understand. Just for the record, I really did break Rainbow Dash’s hand. She tried to put a couple of fingers in my bum and my cheeks just clenched so hard, I couldn’t help it.”

Redheart blushed bright and rosy. “Th-That’s not what happened!”

“Fine, she tried sticking her own fingers-”

Twilight opened the door and peered out. “I heard some shouting. Is everypony okay out here?”

Redheart fanned herself. “This stallion is just too much!”

Twilight beamed and stepped out, holding onto my arm. “He is most days, but he’s mine and I love him for it.”

“Aww, I love you too, cherry.” I kissed her forehead and she pouted, so I gave her a real kiss.

Redheart just shook her head. “I’m sure you have your hands full with him. If there’s nothing else, I have another patient I need to talk to.”

“You’re the one who started the conversation.” I said, pretending to be offended. “It’s only fair if I get to end it.”

Twilight whacked me. “What he’s actually saying is that he had fun talking to you.”

“No, what I’m actually trying to say is that I think my finger is a rectal thermometer and I need a nurse around to help me test my theory.” I said with a shit eating grin.

Redheart sent a mock glare my way. “You want to break that finger, feel free to try.”

“Is your arse that tight?” I asked gleefully.

Redheart blushed and cast a quick glance at Twilight. “I don’t think it’s wise to comment on that. Have a good day, you two, and let Rainbow know that she can leave in two more hours once we cast another long-term healing spell on her.”

Twilight squeezed my arm and smiled. “We’ll tell her, but I have some advice for you.” Redheart cocked her head. “If you’re breaking fingers when ponies do that, you should try relaxing a little.”

The look on Redheart’s face was priceless and I couldn’t stop fucking laughing. I was giggling even as I kissed Twilight and she was smiling, despite trying to return my kiss. “Okay, messing with ponies is kinda fun sometimes.”

“You did pretty well, cherry. I wasn’t expecting that from you.” I grinned and Twilight pulled me down to her level to kiss my cheek.

“I’ll have to keep it to a minimum so I keep surprising you.” Twilight lead me back into Rainbow’s room and we told everyone the good news.

Trixie had to leave for her date, so Rarity and Pinkie offered to show her the way to the establishment she was supposed to be meeting Orchid at. The three of them fucked off and Rainbow asked Twilight and myself if we were cool now. I gave her a thumbs up and reminded her of what I’d said earlier, but Twilight chastised me, though she didn’t tell me to change my ways. Rainbow accepted it for what it was and told Applejack to not be mad at me, so that was nice. Fluttershy maintained that I still shouldn’t have broken her hand, but Rainbow swatted her on the rear with her left hand and asked if she’d be willing to help her out for a while since she was down a hand. Fluttershy sent a Stare my way and I returned it with a Dark Magically charged one of my own, though I limited it enough so that it just made her uncomfortable to meet my gaze. I still had one Hell of a headache afterwards, so Fluttershy won that round.

I took Twilight back to her place and we did some light cuddling, though she asked me if I’d mind giving her a tummy rub while touching her ears. I was happy to do so and even stroked her horn on occasion, making her shiver in delight when I did. After about twenty minutes of some well deserved affection, Twilight let me know that we were going to have to go to her room to finish up and I stuck my head between her legs like she was a lonely business woman and her dog was me. Twilight reciprocated my attention with some of her own, though she told me that she’d started asking Fleur for tips so she could get up to her level. Needless to say, Twilight got fucking good after Fleur gave her two pages of blowjob notes, and I was quite glad for her newfound knowledge.

After Twilight showed and swallowed, we laid down for a night of decent sleep and I had her teleport a note onto my kitchen table for Trixie telling her that she would be on her own for dinner. Once we got that done, Twilight wanted to be my little spoon, so I cuddled up real close and waited until her breathing evened out to talk to Noir. She and I talked about what I did to Rainbow briefly and she applauded me for not making her hand unusable, but that was basically it for the important stuff. We watched The Avengers since I was a bit of a nerd and she instantly fell in love with Black Widow’s general badassery, though I was more of a fan of Iron Man for his snark and general lackadaisical bullshit. I suppose we ended up picking the people most like ourselves.

Once the movie was done, Noir offered to let me motorboat her and spread her arse cheeks for some rough anal. She’s asking me now to tell you that isn’t true, but if you’re not Twilight or Celestia, you shouldn’t be reading this anyway, so do a back flip into a dry pool. Preferably from the high dive.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I woke up with my knob nestled neatly in Twilight arse. It was nice. I put my chest against her back and let my soft breaths disturb the fur on the nape of her neck, though Twilight woke up soon enough. She sighed and held the hand that was on her stomach pressing up against me as my morning wood made itself known. I would have told her that I noticed her arse was filling out a bit more these days, but I was happy enough with the fact that I could now fit most of my shaft between her cheeks. It wasn’t like her stomach was getting larger, which confused me a bit, but I did notice that her breasts and bottom seemed to be growing and I was rather fond. I thought of a nice way to tell her about my observations.

“Cherry~” I murmured into her ear.

She sighed happily. “Yes, amour?”

I reached up and gently brushed her breast with my hand. “Are these getting bigger, or am I hallucinating again?”

Twilight took my hand and placed it where it belonged. “My bras have been feeling awfully tight lately. I’m not getting chubby, am I?”

“Not at all, and I rub your tummy often enough to know. You’re filling out a little and that’s all I’ve noticed.”

She wiggled her bottom against me delectably. “Is that getting bigger too?”

I gave her a single, slow thrust. “Pleasantly so. I’ve always liked your figure, but I do like you with a little more rear to go around.”

“What happens if it gets too big?” Twilight asked trying to turn around to face me.

“We stop wearing pants to bed.” I said simply.

She squeezed my hand, making me squeeze her in turn. “It’s nice to know that there’s no such things as too big for you. What do you say I turn you into Roxy and we go panty shopping today?”

I nestled my face into her neck. “Sounds lovely. It’s a shame we didn’t go with Trixie, but it’s not like I want to see whatever she gets. Or got. Whatever.”

“I don’t have anything to fear from Trixie, right?”

“Not at all. Trixie is like family and I don’t like incest.”

“Speaking of your family, how was Mother’s Day with Blueberry Tart? I should have asked sooner, but I kinda forgot.”

“It was nice. That’s when I spent an entire night talking to Trixie. She, Blue and I are kind of like a small family now.”

Twilight put my hand between her breasts. “That’s so sweet! Now you just need a dad and you’ll have a full one!”

I chuckled. “I was thinking about Onyx, actually. He seems like a good enough fellow.”

“He’d be a great choice.” Twilight said.

We laid there a bit longer until Twilight decided that it was time for us to get up and get our day started. She turned me into Roxy after showers were through and we wore the same outfit in different colors: A button down blouse with a skirt just above the knee and matching socks. I’d gone with dark grey while she went for her usual purple, and with that, I made breakfast for ourselves and Spike. I caught him staring at my arse while I was reaching for some pepper on a higher shelf and threw a spoon at him for ogling me. He said he was just staring off into space, but we both knew that it was some bullshit. I know Roxy looks good for being on the slim side, but I thought that he would be more interested in someone like Fluttershy or Applejack, both of whom have a bit more bounce to their bosom and bottom.

Twilight caught me throwing the spoon at Spike, but I didn’t rat on him. I figured I should take it as a compliment instead of being offended, so I did. Twilight took me to Blue’s shop so we could browse through some of her wearable wares. Blue was happy to see me and let me know by leaving her counter and giving Twilight and I hugs. We shot the breeze for a little bit and arranged our next meeting at my place, so it was officially my duty to let Trixie know that shit was happening. With that, since Blue didn’t have any other customers so early in the morning, she helped Twilight find the perfect cup size and whatnot for her new figure and I found a couple pairs of cute knickers that I made a mental note of. I’d have to take pictures and send them to Twilight or have her make copies for me while I modeled them for her. Either way.

We left Blue to her own devices and I took Twilight back to my place so we could play dress-up in our skivvies for a little bit. I showed her my scrapbook of my own nudes and ones I’d gotten from women she knew and that ended in sweet, sweet lesbian sex, so I considered it a morning well spent. Once we were finished, Twilight asked if I wanted to be changed back and I put it off for a little bit, though I did remember to have her copy Midnight Stroll and the Robbed Ruby Ring. She told me she would give it a read when she got home and left soon after so I could have a word with Trixie. It didn’t need to be in private, but Twilight still wanted us to have some time apart, so she got what she wanted.

I let Trixie know when we were supposed to have dinner with Blue and she told me that her date with Orchid had gone rather well. Trixie walked her home and received a kiss for her efforts and I applauded her style, though she did say that Orchid was a bit on the chatty side. I almost told her that it was just how women were before I realized that I was a woman, so I held my tongue and said that it was a good thing since it meant Orchid was a good person to have a conversation with. Trixie got a dreamy look on her face and agreed. With nothing else to talk about, I suggested that we go see if her house was done and she happily agreed, but as we were preparing to go walk over there, Mary sent me a message telling me that her house was done anyway and that she would be heading there shortly to meet up with us.

We were a lot closer, so I grabbed a glass of apple juice and had a drink before we headed out. That’s all that happened between the time we left and the time we got there, so shit was a little boring. Trixie and I filled the time by talking about Orchid, and once I got her started, it was a little hard to get her to stop. I wasn’t complaining at all, but Trixie could go on for days about the woman and only take breaks to snack or poo. Maybe both at the same time so she could make the most of her moments.

Mary arrived shortly and lead us through the house since she was familiar with the layout. All in all, it was a nice house that was large enough for two people with the occasional guest, though I wasn’t fond of the kitchen. I preferred the open layout of my own, but Trixie was in love with everything about the place since it was hers. Mary just smiled and I pointed out the things I liked so Trixie could gush some more about whatever it was that she liked, but she mostly just hugged me and thanked me for having the place built for her. We still had to fill the place with furniture, so that was the next thing we did, though Mary had to go back to work. I promised to stop by once I was finished with helping Trixie buy her crap, so with a mini date set, Trixie and I headed into town and stopped by a few local furniture shops to find some dope shit.

I paid for a couch, her bed, and a bed for the guest room, but she paid for the rest of her shit since she had the money. I also paid for the three teams of movers we had to hire since I wasn’t going to carry a single fucking thing and when we got back to her house, Trixie wisely got the big stuff out of the way first. She let me go meet up with Mary when we were about halfway through, so I totally ditched her and went to go get laid for the second time that day.

I walked back into town and strode into town hall like I owned the place. Strawberry beamed when she saw me and asked to have some of my time once I was finished with Mary, so I agreed and she dipped her hands below her desk, preparing herself. I noticed that her cheeks were still a darker shade from the last time we’d spent time together and that just made me think of all the new ways I’d come up with to brutalize her, especially after she’d painted me as some kind of terrible person to her friends.

(Ctrl+F Scenes Are Over to Skip)

I snapped out of it on my way to Mary’s office and didn’t bother knocking, though I didn’t see her anywhere. I heard some buzzing going on from behind her desk and closed the door softly so I could sneak up on her, and when I got around to her side, I saw why she wasn’t sitting with her hooves up like usual. Mary was giving herself a brutal arse fucking with a magical machine of some kind, so I just sat and watched. Machines really aren’t my kink, so there was no accumulation of moisture anywhere. Mary eventually realized she had an audience and I gave her a little wave, waiting for her to extricate her from her position.

She didn’t/couldn’t move. “G-G-Get Th-Th-This Th-Th-Thing-”

“Get it off?” I asked.

She whimpered her response and I dragged her from under her desk and unstrapped the horrid thing. “Thank you so much…” She practically sobbed.

“Always make sure you have a failsafe, sweetie.” I patted her cheek and held her head in my bosom while she collected herself.

“I didn’t think it would just keep going!” She held onto my arm.

“That’s why you don’t use machines like that to do a job you can do yourself. God forbid you get a sybian or something and can’t get off.”

“My sybian stops!” She moaned.

“...Alright then. I’m guessing you’ve had enough for one day.”

She suddenly jerked away from me. “Perish the thought! Give me a moment to go get cleaned up and I’ll be right with you, dear.”

Mary shakily got to her feet and almost immediately fell over, but I caught her before she could hit the ground. I grabbed a towel from her usual hiding place for sex toys (one of many filing cabinets) and had her bend over so I could wipe off the ludicrous amount of lube from her cheeks and rosebud. She told me that she’d had to keep the thing well lubricated for fear of it going dry and actually hurting her, but I didn’t need the explanation. She twitched at my touch, but when I didn’t give her anymore time and started slipping her lower lips some tongue, she didn’t tell me to stop. I lapped up Mary’s citrus-like nectar and ate her through another orgasm that was intensified when I fit three fingers into her rear. I didn’t just shove them in all at once, mind you, but it’s not like she needed any extra preparation after the savagery she’d just put herself through. Mary gave as good as she got, though she was a little liberal with the application of her tongue inside of my folds. When she tried to fit more than the tip in, I warned her against it and she gently bit my clit to make up for her intrusion. I nearly came on the spot, but Mary is well versed in the ways of teasing, so she was saving up for a big one.

After nearly thirty minutes of infuriating toying, Mary finally let me have what I wanted and that was fucking lovely. I asked if she wanted to go again and she told me that she was a bit tuckered out, so I helped her to her feet and carried her off to the restroom so she could let out what she’d been holding since she’d put that horrible machine on herself. With Mary taken care of and my own legs a little troublesome, I returned to Strawberry and told her that she’d better get her arse somewhere private unless she wanted to get me arrested for the things I was about to do to her. Her face lit up and she let loose a stream of insults, though she still called me ‘Mistress’ when she finished. Thankfully, I wouldn’t have to slap her around with my bare hands since I’d borrowed some toys from Mary so we could do things properly. I had a cane, a paddle, a little electric wand, a thing that reminded me of a Chinese flesh scrape, and Strawberry provided some hard steel handcuffs from her own personal collection.

Once we were in a private room near the back of the building, I surveyed Strawberry. “You know, other than being a filthy fucking whore, you don’t look half bad. I can’t say I’d risk rotting my cock off by sticking it into you, but I might give your arse a try some time.”

Strawberry gave me a mischievous smile. “Mary has a strap-on she wouldn’t mind letting some pitiful mare like yourself use for a little while.”

I stepped bit closer and grabbed her by the chin. “And you’re wasting time by talking about it? Go get it and we’ll see if I think you’re worth using it on.”

Her eyes lit up and she practically skipped out of the room, and when she returned, she was holding it in an inconspicuous box. I set it down on the table and had her hike her skirt up for me before I put the handcuffs on her. Her pink cotton panties were already drenched and I hadn't done a thing to her yet, so I thought we would start with the cane. I picked it up and gave one of her thighs a good swing, making her give me an alluring look.

“Bend over, hands on the table. Stick your arse out and count.” I commanded.

Strawberry did as I asked and I gave her pussy a stroke with the tip of the cane, making her knickers stick to her folds. I decided to start off small and work my way up, so I made my first swing to the back of her thighs, the blow making a cringe worthy whistle as it traveled.

“One!” Strawberry moaned.

I figured that I would cover her arse in welts, so I aimed for the top of her posterior and swung again.

“Two!” She cried, ecstatic.

Three more blows passed, each one getting a little harder. At the five count, I figured it was a good time for her to remove her panties. “Oi! Slut!” I rapped her bottom twice with the cane. “Take those off.”

Strawberry’s pretty good about following orders, so she did, returning to the position I’d told her to get in without any hesitation. Her lips were plump and full, ripe for a taste if I so desired. I stroked her sex with the tip of the cane and gave it a lick. She tasted like I’d expected her to, but I wasn’t terribly fond of strawberries, so I made sure the next two swings hit her most tender area. She came on the second swing and I roughly yet carefully jammed a finger into her honeypot. It surprised me that she was only slightly less tight than Twilight, and when I worked my fingers in a little deeper, I felt that she was actually a virgin.

I asked if she was even interested in normal sex and she told me that she really wasn’t, so I shrugged and carried on. Once her arse was littered with welts that raised her fur, I had other plans. “Get up and strip.” I commanded simply.

She looked back and grinned at me with half lidded eyes. “Or what, Mistress?”

I don’t take no back talk, so I pressed my thumb against the switch for extra leverage and gave her my most savage swing yet as though I was trying to swing right through her. The cane my her arse and she came again, trembling as she rode the orgasm. Once I’d given her what she wanted, Strawberry followed my orders and stood in up straight. I walked around her and slapped her arse one good time.

“Not much jiggle there. I guess you can only be a proper slut if you have the right body for it.” She giggled and I continued my little tour of her body, stopping at her breasts.

They weren’t as large as Applejack’s, but they were still a nice, abusable pair of C-Cups that I wanted to fondle. I hefted one and wrenched her teat, making her gasp and look at me with hunger in her gaze. After taking the cane to the the underside on them one good time, I let my hands wander to her lower lips.

“Sit on the table and spread your legs.” I demanded.

“Yes Mistress!” She hopped onto the table and winced, but she still spread ‘em nice and wide for me.

Since my cane had seen plenty of use already, I figured that she only needed a couple of swings to each thigh, but I couldn’t resist giving her a comparatively light swat to her sex. Strawberry had the most powerful orgasm I’d ever seen her have, so while she was struggling to keep her legs open, I gave her a slightly harder one and dodged out of the way, just in case she was a squirter on rare occasions. I was proven correct as she sprayed the area I’d been standing in with her juices.

I put the cane down for the time being and checked the handcuffs. They hadn't shifted at all, so I grabbed the wand and waited while Strawberry twitched and jolted as I let my hands explore the markings I’d made. The area just above her folds already had a welt forming, so I pressed down lightly and she moaned. I took that as a perfectly acceptable cue to start using the wand, so I turned it on to the lowest wattage and tapped her thigh with it. Strawberry gave me a look, so I turned it up to medium and she let out an adorable ‘eep!’, so I continued, heading further down with each tap, alternating sides randomly.

I decided to crank it to its maximum wattage and it’s low crackling filled the room. Strawberry raised her head to identify the source of the noise, but before she could get a good look, I let the wand hover near her clit and saw that the fur that wasn’t drenched stood straight up. She nearly came just from proximity, but I kept a steady hand and took the wand away, having a seat on the table right next to her. I turned the wattage down so I wouldn’t give her a fucking heart attack or something and tapped on of her nipples with the tip. They were already rock hard, but her areolas seemed to rise along with the nubs until they gave her breasts two little peaks. I toyed with her breasts for a little while because it was amusing to me.

Strawberry gave me a pleading look after three minutes. “Please, Mistress!”

I raised a brow. “Please what?”

“Please use that on my marehood!” She begged.

I rolled my eyes and reached back to tap the welt I’d touched before. Strawberry didn’t get the release she was seeking, but I’d already given her plenty of climaxes so far, so orgasm denial was on my list of shit to do. I did stop toying with her breasts, though I only did so to remove my panties and skirt so I could sit on her face. While I was in the process of explaining exactly what would happen if she dared to stick her tongue inside of me, Mary popped her head in.

We stared at each other for a moment. “You need something, sweetie?”

“...Can I watch?” Mary asked shyly.

I rolled my eyes and twisted so I wasn’t on Strawberry’s face anymore. “Do you mind? She’s your boss after all.”

“Mistress, I don’t give a single buck.”

I scooted around so I could slap her. “Watch your language; there’s a real ‘mare’ present.”

“Yes Mistress.” She smiled.

I rolled my eyes again and went back to what I was doing: toying with her breasts while she lapped at the dampness between my legs. I didn’t particularly get off to causing pain, but it was arousing in some sick, twisted way and I figured that I might as well get something out of the experience while it was happening. With the wand in hand, I tortured her breasts while Mary watched on in mild intrigue until I told her to come over. I poked one of her breasts with the wand at the current voltage and she winced when I did, though she spent a little longer groping herself than I thought necessary. I continued my work on Strawberry, but I just wasn’t getting the results I wanted from from her tongue, so I sighed and hopped off before replacing my panties, using Strawberry’s arm to make sure I didn’t make them any wetter than they already were.

My personal punching bag still had her legs spread nice and wide, so I used the paddle and put some force behind each swing. Once she’d had a small orgasm, I picked the wand back up and touched it into the insides of her lips, spreading them so I could reach the soft flesh within. She nearly squirted on me again, but I’d been prepared for her to cum when I did that, so I just stayed out of the way. After turning the voltage back up the the maximum, I didn’t wait for her to stop cumming when I touched the wand to her clit. She shrieked and I glanced over to see Mary wincing, but all Strawberry could do was lay limply on the table. I figured she’d had enough for the time being, so I hopped back onto the table next to her. Her eyes were closed and when I lifted one of her lids, all I could see were the whites of her eyes, but she was still twitching, so I was pretty sure that she was alive.

“I-Is she okay?” Mary asked.

“Probably. I think I may have broken her a little bit. She’s done a lot of cumming today.” I said casually.

“Are you sure we shouldn’t call somepony?”

“She’ll snap out of it when she’s ready. We should probably get her dressed, however.” I picked up her knickers and checked the size on them. “I’m going to go and grab her some new livery once we get her blouse and skirt on. This room never gets used, right?”

“Rarely enough. It smells an awful lot like her in here now.” Mary commented.

I shrugged before unlocking her handcuffs and picking her bra up from the floor, shifting her limp form around so I could get the straps on. Once that was done, I got her blouse done and Mary handled her skirt, and once she was decent enough, we moved her away from the wet spot on the table and Mary went to go find some things to go clean up with while I went to go do what I said I would. I came back while Mary was mopping up Strawberries juices and I licked her clean so she wouldn’t stain the new panties I’d gotten for her. Once I got them on her, I helped Mary with the mess and we threw the towels in a bin so we could find a place to put Strawberry until she recovered.

(Ctrl+F Scenes Are Over to Skip)

Mary actually had a couch with a folding bed in one of the many rooms of the Town Hall, just in case she ever needed to sleep and rise at work, so that’s where we put Strawberry for the time being. I slapped her cheeks a couple of times to check and see she would wake up, but the poor woman was practically comatose, so I stayed with her for the extra hour it took for her to wake up.

Strawberry Petal lifted a hand to her head and moaned. She shifted her legs and shivered hard, though that made me want to see if I could get her to cum from mostly platonic touches. “Where am I? She asked hoarsely to no one in particular.

I ran a hand over her tummy and she sighed. “You’re in Mary’s recreation room. Do you remember what happened?”

She was silent for a moment. “I think I came so hard I blacked out.”

I reached over and squeezed one of her breasts, sending her into another bout of trembling. “That’s pretty much what happened. Things got a little scary for awhile.”

“How long was I out?”

I checked the clock in the room. “About two hours. You’re welcome to stay here if you don’t think you can make it home. I’d carry you, but you seem pretty sensitive.”

“I think I’ll stay here for now. Next time-”

“We’re not doing that twice.” I told her gently.

She gave me a shocked look. “What?”

“Welts fade, bruises heal, but shit like that can cause permanent damage if we’re not careful.”

She pouted for a moment until sighing. “I guess I understand. I thought you didn’t care about me.”

“I’m not trying to kill you here. I understand that you get off on having your limits pushed, but there really are boundaries I refuse to cross. I’ll fuck you until you’re a sobbing mess or until you ask me to stop-”

“Not happening.”

“Right. The point remains that I care about your overall safety. This wouldn’t be fun if I didn’t.”

Strawberry was quiet again. “...That’s a pretty good point. I’m pretty sure I like it when you bring out the hard stuff because I know I’m still actually safe.”

I reached back to stroke her thigh and she moaned, so I hiked her skirt up a bit and started rubbing the inside because I could. “I suggest you take some time off to recuperate. Something like this isn’t to be taken lightly.”

“F-Finish me off one last time? Please?” She asked.

“I just went out and got you new panties, so no. When you can move your arms again, do it yourself.”

“You’re already ruining them!”

“That’s your own fault. Stop dripping and start sleeping.”

She sighed. “Yes Mistress. Can you get me some water or something?”

I helped her sit up and got the glass I’d known she would want when she woke up. “Way ahead of you. I suggest you drink slowly if you don’t want to be ill all over yourself.”

Strawberry’s shaky hand griped the glass and she sipped it. “You know, I didn’t really take you for the nurturing type.”

“I’m a Royal Operative. There’s a lot of sides to me.”

She smiled and looked into her glass. “Thank you, Mistress.”

“No problem. I can’t abuse you all the time.”

“It just makes it a little confusing. I don’t see how you hurt a pony then look after them, but I guess I should just be grateful that you care.”

I patted her thigh and she closed her eyes. “Exactly. Now shut up and focus on getting some rest.”

She nodded and I got up to go home. Between helping Trixie furnish her home, shagging Mary, and abusing Strawberry, my afternoon was gone and I needed to get home for dinner with my family, so I kicked up some dust on my way to Twilight’s and asked her to change me back once I’d freed myself of my pesky female clothes. Twilight may or may not have admired my form as I dressed, but that’s neither here nor there, so suck it.

After a few parting kisses with Twilight, I picked up some extra groceries from the shops before they could close for the day and got home, but Trixie and Blue were already inside when I came in. I apologized for being late, but Trixie had already inadvertently snitched me out for hooking up with Mary. While I cooked, Blue hounded me like a proper Mum for sleeping with one of Onyx’s paramours, but I told her that Twilight was doing her too and she stopped her nonsense. Trixie tried telling me to just stick to Twilight, but I told her that my lover herself had given me permission to do whatever the fuck I felt like within reason, so that’s what I did and do. Trixie and Blue talked to me some more about scaling back my level of fuckery, but I told them that Twilight was happy enough to indulge in certain ways that I didn’t feel like I was at liberty to share. Namely, her voyeuristic streak.

After explaining that I’d asked Twilight whether or not she felt threatened or if she was just generally uncomfortable with me picking partners more times than I could count, they finally relented. Both of them knew about my status as a lie detector, so they trusted my words well enough, though Blue still maintained that I should stick to one woman since I was committed to her. I argued that Twilight’s will dictated who I slept with and when, and that she’d stopped me from sleeping with women that I’d rather wanted to lay multiple times. Hell, I still wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to sleep with Fleur again, and when questioned about who she was, I explained that she was one of three women I knew that could keep up with my half-retarded libido, and that she was probably the second best out of the three. I got a couple of glares for that until I explained that it was rather high praise and that the only reason Twilight wasn’t on that list was because she still had her virginity.

Blue asked me how I’d been with her for months but hadn't ever actually had sex with her and I explained that, while we’d considered it, we decided to wait until marriage to seal the deal. I told them Twilight already had my cherry as Roxy, and she was content enough with only being with women until estrus came around. I was scolded for talking about estrus in general, but I pointed out that I’d lost my virginity as a female and had spent about a month as one as this point, so I considered myself a little genderfluid at this point, as stupid as I find the term. Blue relented after some convincing, but Trixie still wasn’t about to talk about estrus with her brothersister, so I called her transphobic and she didn’t know what that meant. Hell, no one knew what that meant in Equestria, so I guess the meaning is lost to time and space, though I acknowledge the fact that I’m a bit of a hypocrite in that regard. To be honest, I just never found the whole Roxy thing to be that big of an issue since I never put any thought into it. I’m still not going to, just to save myself a headache.

The rest of dinner was nice once we got off the topic of my relationship and moved onto Trixie’s budding romance with Orchid. Blue asked many of the same questions I had earlier that same day, though Trixie’s answers were slightly different. The overall meaning was still the same, but I was pretty sure that she would have repeated what she told me word for word if she could’ve remembered. Blue had some new questions to go with a few of my own, and between the two of us, we kept Trixie talking long after we cleared our plates and passed dessert around.

We stayed in each other’s company for a while longer since no one really wanted to let the good mood go to waste, but it was already pretty late. I offered my home to my sister and me Mum, but they both wanted to sleep in their own beds for the night. After some hugs and familial kisses on cheeks, I waved them off and started filling out my journals since I’d forgotten to do it for some time. When I read through these to see if I missed anything, I often notice that my life is fucking weird. Today was just one of those strange ones, I guess, and now that I see how cruel what I did to Rainbow was, it makes me wonder what would happen if someone I didn’t like were to ever put their hands on Twilight. I’m guessing I’d Wither them and they would die soon after. Or I might just let them live out their last few years, searching for a way to get their revenge so I have a reason to kill them.

Man, I’m a real bastard at times.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

After sleeping alone for a few hours, I woke up and decided to get some writing done since I didn’t have shit else to do. Took a shower, shaved my face, did some harrowing manscaping with a magic knife, and sat myself down to write some more of Midnight Stroll and the Bewildering Brooch. It was slow going at first, but once I got into the swing of things, time started passing by a lot faster and I eventually heard three curt knocks on my door. I finished the sentence I was on and rose to go greet whoever was willing to bother me at seven in the morning.

Upon opening the door, I met a bright white unicorn with a scarlet red mane. She reminded me of a cross between Redheart and Fleur, but there was something about her that seemed like she wasn’t used to being around people. Her dead stare into my eyes when I opened my door made me a little defensive immediately, and not knowing who the Hell this woman was spooked me a little bit. I could tell from her posture that she wasn’t familiar with the area, but I could tell from her somewhat bulky build that she wasn’t someone to be trifled with.

“Wotcher. How can I help you?” I asked.

She pulled an envelope from her bag and handed it to me. “The Princesses want you to head north.”

I took it from her. “Which ones?”

“Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and Princess Celestia.”

“Huh. So who are you?”

She didn’t even blink. “Scarlet Snow. I’ll be your contact in the Crystal Empire.”

“Crystal Empire? Never heard of it. That’s not near the Gryphon Lands, is it?”

“It’s further north. The details you need to know are in the envelope.” She said curtly.

“No shit, I’m just getting info from as many sources as possible. It never hurts to be informed.”

Scarlet nodded. “I understand that, but I’m not exactly familiar with the area myself. I don’t know why we’ll be working together, but we will, so don’t get us killed.”

“I’ll try to avoid doing obviously dumb shit if you tell me how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.”

“I don’t know what that is. You’re an idiot.” And now you suck

I smirked. “I’m a prick and a smart one at that. I’d invite you in for a cuppa, but you don’t seem like the type for tea.”

“Coffee is the only thing worth drinking. Goodbye.” She turned and left.

I went back inside and sliced open the envelope, checking its contents. There was a picture of a castle made of what seemed to be crystal and some pretty detailed information. From the looks of things, Celestia wanted me to accompany the girls to the Crystal Empire and keep an eye on them since they were heading to pretty much unknown territory. Once I finished reading through the shit, I heard another goddamn knock, so I went to go check and see who was bothering me before I could start packing for my mission. I greeted Celestia right before she strode into my house without a word and started pacing in my entrance hall.

“Alright, you’re stressed out.” I remarked.

“Very. I’m sure Scarlet Snow gave you your information yesterday?” Celestia asked.

“Actually, she just gave it to me about twenty minutes ago. Shit’s weird, Celestia. Why is there a random kingdom just popping in from the ether?”

Celestia groaned. “I can’t keep my days straight if that tells you how frustratingly urgent this is. I need you to gather Twilight and the rest of the Elements and get to Canterlot as soon as possible. Well, Twilight is already gathering the girls. They’ll be here shortly so I can teleport you all to the Crystal Empire if you just got your information. Shining and Cadance are already there, but it would make me feel considerably better about the ordeal if you were to accompany the Elements on their journey there.”

I put a hand on her arm. “Look, hun. Calm down and give me the skinny. What are we talking about here?”

Celestia gave me a quick, squishy hug. “I’ll tell you a bit more than I told Twilight. A thousand years ago, one of my vassals, a Unicorn named Sombra, ruled the Crystal Empire far in the Arctic North. The place is very special to Equestria since, for some reason no one really knows of, the magic there resonates further south and generally influences luck and happiness in the mainland. When Sombra was still whole and peaceful, he ruled pleasantly and Equestria thrived, but once something made his heart turn darker than my own, Equestria nearly collapsed. During his reign of terror, corruption spread throughout the land and his Dark Magic grew stronger with each passing day until Luna and I had to subdue him entirely, but before we could finish our task, Sombra cast a curse on the land that made it vanish in the blink of an eye. The Crystal Empire has been lost since before Luna was sent to the moon, and I fear that its return is no good news for us.”

Well fucking shite. “So you’re telling me that someone powerful enough to rival yourself and Luna is reappearing and the entire world is at risk because of that shit?” I asked clutching my head.

Celestia winced. “Yes. I believe I should tell you that I think the girls will be more capable of handling things than Luna and I were since their power with the Elements is stronger than ours was.”

“You’re putting Twilight in world ending level danger because you think she might be able to pull through?” I asked, deceptively calm.

“You’re furious.” Celestia guessed. A little.

“I’m glad you told me that I could go along with them. If I can tap into my Dark Magic, I’m willing to bet that Noir could let me burn some of my life force to overpower him or something. I really hope it doesn’t come to that, but I’m willing to take a few hundred years off of my life to make sure Twilight lives on.”

“It will not come to that if the Elements have anything to say about it. I’m asking you to protect them from mundane threats, Maximus, not Sombra. Even I stand a poor chance against him: If you were to try and use Dark Magic against him, I’m sure you’d find yourself sorely lacking against his level of skill.”

“I’ll Seal his shit then. God forbid he hurts Twilight and I get a chance to put the hammer down.”

Celestia shook her head. “I’m telling you that the girls can handle this. I want you to hang back and keep an eye out for anything suspicious while they prepare for the journey, and once they get there, I want you to stick with Twilight and provide insight. They should be able to handle the rest of the mission, but I need you to be working behind the scenes, asking the right questions.”

“Alright, so don’t fuck Cadance as soon as I get there. Gotcha.” I gave her a crooked smile I couldn’t put my heart behind.

She gave me another hug. “Things will play out as they need to, Maximus. I have faith in you and Twilight.”

“I trust your wisdom.” Since it’s about Twilight.

Celestia gave me a little smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Thank you. Just try not to kill any innocent ponies before their time, okay?”

“Oi, it all depends on them! I don’t kill people that aren’t in my way.”

“Would you kill me if I was in your way?”

“Firstly, I don’t think I could if I wanted to. Secondly, stop asking dumb questions: I’ll put a finger in your bum.”

She rolled her eyes. “The girls will be here soon enough. Remember: This is Twilight’s mission more so than your own. Your task is to protect her and help as much as you can. Her task is to make things right. I trust you’ll keep this knowledge in mind when the time comes.”

“Wait, so we’re going off to a distant land, facing a threat we haven’t seen in a thousand years, and I’m not supposed to kill things? This is weird.”

“You’ll make it through. I suggest you start packing: You won’t be there much longer than a few days if all goes well, so pack lightly and take Nacht along with you. I’m sure it will come in handy.”

“Walk with me and talk with me. It’s rare enough that we ever have a social visit, so we could chat about some current events and whatnot.”

And so we did. While I was getting my shit together, Celestia told me about a few things that happened with her and Luna, but she ran out of things to talk about rather quickly, so I filled the time by telling her that Lupa had come back as Nashoba and that she’d returned as the Wolfmother of the Everfree or some shit like that. Celestia knew what I was talking about, much to my surprise, so she was able to follow along pretty well. I also told her about the advent of my new family and she was happy and sad for me simultaneously since it was nice that I was growing closer to people, but terrible that I would see them age and die long before I would have a chance to. She wasn’t quite so tactless with her words, though she did warn me about getting too close to Trixie and Blue. I told her to fuck off since I would rather love and lose than never love at all.

I finished up with my shit rather quickly since I’m a fucking man and I don’t need to pack everything in my wardrobe to go somewhere, so Celestia helped me strap on Nacht and we sat down for a cuppa. Celestia warned me to grab a coat before the girls got here, so I did and we chatted about a few observations we’d made and waited some more. When the girls arrived, Celestia gave them a once over and healed Rainbow’s hand once she realized that it was wrapped in bandages, though she didn’t ask how she’d broken it in the first place. She did, however, let us know that she’d stricken a deal with Elfriede to get us onto a solo train to the Crystal Empire since she couldn’t get us into the Empire itself, so I put on my coat and waited for Celestia to teleport us away.

After some assurances that the mission would go well, Celestia wasted no more time and we appeared in Gryphonia. Some stuffy looking old guy told us that we would have to board the train quickly so no one would have any objections to us being there. We did as he asked and settled in for the long haul. Thankfully, the train was magically warmed and the tracks were clear. I brought my journal along with me, just in case I get a chance to write shit down other than right now. As it is, I’m a little apprehensive about the whole endeavor. I trust that Twilight will be able to handle things, but I’m not looking forward to possibly fighting a mad tyrant that rivals two of the most powerful beings I’ve ever met, but here we are, doing stupid shit again.

Maybe we’ll save the world? Maybe we’ll all die a horrible death? Maybe I can get Twilight to calm down and focus before she gets too caught up in her own mind to allow anyone to help her? Things really just aren’t looking up right now. Hopefully there will be another journal entry after this.

Author's Note

And with this, my backlog is gone. Lovely.

Seriously though, Rainbow's character in the show has few redeeming qualities to me. Even when I did watch it, she never appealed to me in the slightest.

As Always, Stay Cool, Kids.

Chapter Thirty-Six: The Crystal Empire
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Thirty-Six: The Crystal Empire

Chapter Thirty-Six: The Crystal Empire

The train ride was quite long and quite boring. I had the time to fill out my journals and get them caught up to a certain point, but that didn’t help too much when the journey itself was still nearly twelve hours long. I had some extra time to put in an order for something in Canterlot that I wanted Twilight to have with my Dragon Fire and was sent back a note telling me that it would be done in three days, so that was nice. Still, I had plenty of time to write and Twilight had plenty of time to worry herself to the point where I was giving her kisses every fifteen minutes on the dot to keep her calm. I wasn’t complaining since it was an excuse to lock lips with Twilight, but the duration of the kisses kept getting longer and soon enough, Twilight was just stuck sitting next to me with my arm around her. I was sure that the girls could have talked her down, but upon conversing with Spike, apparently she’d been stressing out about failing the ‘test’ Celestia had set for her even before we’d gotten on the train.

Twilight herself explained that she’d though it was going to be a written or practical test of some kind and I reminded her that this was a practical test in a manner of speaking, but that didn’t stop me from worrying. I waited for someone else to mention King Sombra, but when no one did, I assumed that I was the only one who really knew that he was still a threat. Twilight eventually told the girls everything she knew around the six hour mark of the journey and she made sure to tell them that Sombra was locked away in ice, but that wasn’t what Celestia had told me. I was going to have to keep an eye out for anything particularly dangerous, just in case he decided to rear his ugly head and lash out if he really was still around.

Most of us caught a nap since the journey was so long, but Twilight and I were too worried about the mission for us to get any real sleep, so we kept watch in turns whenever we did fall asleep. Honestly, Twilight was more afraid of failing her test than the fact that the lives of millions of people hung in the balance, and I found that to be absolutely asinine, but then again, she really just hadn't thought about it at all. It wasn’t like I was going to bring it up to her and stress her out more since, well, Twilight absolutely sucks under pressure, but I figured that keeping my worries to myself would be for the best either way.

We finally arrived at our destination and I saw that the train just kept going once we got off. I was glad for my coat when I arrived, but Twilight was still freezing her arse off. I would have offered her my coat to go with hers, but I was certain that we were in sub-zero temperatures. Spike helped Rarity with some of her bags when we got off, but everyone had told her that we weren’t putting up with her excessively packing again, so she had to levitate some and carry the majority of her own, which was a well deserved punishment for not taking her own strength into consideration. Of course she gloated about packing a fuckton of scarves when we stepped out into the cold, but I couldn’t help but notice that she was only wearing one at a time.

We stared off into the grey wastes and looked for the place we were supposed to be going when I heard hoofsteps crunching through the howling wind. Soon enough, Shining Armor came into view and greeted Twilight with a hug.

“Twily! I’m so glad to see you. We have to hurry back to the castle, we don’t want to be out here after dark.” He said ominously.

Twilight looked at him. “What do you mean? What happens after dark?”

As if on cue, a new noise sounded behind us and now seemed like a good time to get the fuck outta there, so I tapped Shining and asked where we were running to. Then the noise became audible and we didn’t have to ask anymore since he was leading the way. I nearly got left behind, but I was still ahead of Spike, so Shining levitated him forward and Twilight teleported me to her side, but the icy air made my lungs feel like they were ripping apart. I cast a furtive glance behind us to see what the fuck was going on and Shining stopped, so like a fucking fool, I stood by him and drew the Warbling Blade and willed it into its stiletto form. I slashed at the air vigorously and thrust my palm outward, sending gusts of air at a mass of what seemed to be a mass of Dark Energy and a set of eyes. Said eyes narrowed at my magic and when Shining sent a beam or a laser of some kind at it, I had to snatch him out of the way of the creatures retaliation which left a waist high pillar of black crystal on the ground. That shit was so cool, but now wasn’t the time to be admiring the enemy. I shoved Shining and started slashing at the air some more, trying to buy us some time for our escape, but things just weren’t looking good.

The thing that I assumed was Sombra (Or one of his machinations) back off long enough for us to start running again and I kept up the barrage of wind blasts as long as I could while Shining occasionally send back another pulse of laser magic at it. Between the two of us, we got to the barrier, but when we got there, I was fucking stuck outside with Sombra. Shining and I locked eyes while I was pressed against the barrier, but I wasn’t going anywhere fast. I turned around with a weight on my heart and met the triumphant gaze of Sombra with a steely one of my own. I wasn’t about to go down like some bitchified wanker, so I stood my ground and changed the Warbling Blade into it’s Kukri form, but that didn’t make Sombra back off at all. His magic really was far stronger than mine, but that didn’t mean that the Warbling Blade wouldn’t hurt him, so I lunged forward only to find myself surrounded by a darkish pink magic bubble that I recognized as Shining Armour’s magic. I changed the Warbling Blade back into its usual form and let the dome drag me into the barrier.

Once we’d caught our breath inside, Shining put a hand on my shoulder. “Alright, this barrier only keeps out Dark Magic. Why do you have Dark Magic?”

“Luna brought me back to life with it.” I answered truthfully.

He shook his head and skipped it. “Were you seriously planning on taking Sombra with a bucking knife?”

“You’d be surprised what this knife in particular can do.”

Shining looked at me like I was retarded. “I don’t use this word often, but are you retarded?”

I shrugged. “I’ve done crazier shit if you don’t think about it too hard. Let’s shut up and catch up to the girls, yeah?”

He shook his head and we looked around for them until we spotted them a little ways off, not too far from where we’d stopped to chat real quick. We joined them shortly and Twilight checked on us, but we were both perfectly fine except for me coughing up a little blood. I assumed it was from the fucking frigid temperatures and whatnot, so after I had about five minutes to meditate and rest, I was good enough to get up and go with the rest of the group.

Damn sturdy fucking Ponies. And Dragons, I guess.

The walk to the Empire proper afforded us a wonderful view of the city, but I wasn’t quite sure that we should have been calling it an 'empire' since it was literally just the one city to my knowledge. From the hilltop we were on, I could see that everything was made of crystal in different shades, affording the residents some much needed privacy. Lord forbid the crystals were clear. I could never stay here for more than a few hours otherwise. Observations aside, the town was made up of angular buildings that seemed to just jut out of the ground, but in a somewhat orderly fashion that told me some sort of magic was at work here, though I didn’t know what kind or to what extent, and no one had any answers for my questions.

We walked through the town and I was reminded of Sadsdale in a way that made my dick tingle with depression. I don’t know why I wrote that, but it really did make the Ol’ Chap feel like it was shriveling away into nothing, so I patted my chest to see if I was becoming Roxy and did a check to see if my buddy was still angling with the dangle. He was and he seemed fine, so I figured that it was all in my head and soldiered on.

The Crystal Castle was a fucking sight to behold. It stood on four legs like a stool of some kind and it was actually pretty fucking awesome. It glistened in the sunlight and stood a lot taller than Canterlot Castle, but I attributed that to Sombra’s arrogance when he ruled and left it at that for the time being. Rarity started gushing and stuttering about how magnificent the thing was until Applejack told her to knock it off and get serious about what we were here for. Rarity was about to protest when Rainbow made some nonchalant comment about the place and Rarity got way too close for comfort, beginning to scold Rainbow for her lack of appreciation for the astounding architecture. Rainbow laughed at her when she started scolding and we all had a chuckle at how well Rainbow had played it off, completely switching tones from the sheer terror most of them had been feeling earlier.

The Castle itself had so many fucking stairs. Like, seriously, how many fucking stairs can one place have? Cardio isn’t really my thing outside of sex, so my legs we on fire by the time we got to the throne room, and most of the girls had stopped to take a short break along the way. I didn’t want to stop since I didn’t know if I would have the motivation to keep going, so Shining, Applejack, and I arrived in the Reception Hall and waited for them. It took a few minutes, but I’d gotten my breath back and the girls seemed alright, so we stepped inside and I could tell from the get go that Cadance was exhausted. Shining rushed to her side and cast a spell on her that seemed to give her a bit more energy, and when Twilight came over, they did their adorable little dance and I paid special attention to the little shake that happened before their hug.

“One of these days we need to get together when the fate of Equestria isn’t balancing on a pin.” Cadance smiled sadly.

Twilight gave her a concerned look. “Are you okay?”

“I’m alright, I’m just a little tired is all.” Cadance gave her a weak smile that I saw right through.

Shining cut in. “She’s not alright. Cadance’s Love Magic is what’s keeping Sombra at bay, and she’s been keeping it up for days on end. She doesn’t sleep, hardly eats, and the only help I can provide isn’t as strong as hers, so I can’t really do that much.”

“Don’t get down on yourself, mate. It’s fucking impossible to keep up with Alicorns anyways.” I said.

Shining sighed. “I know, but that doesn’t mean I have to be okay with it. How would you feel if Twilight was shouldering a burden you couldn’t help with?”

Now’s not a good time for snark. “I get it.”

Cadance put a hand on Shining’s arm. “It’s fine, Shiny. I’m fine.” She looked down.

“You’re not fine.” He turned to Twilight. “She can’t go on like this forever. If her magic fades…”

Twilight gave him a reassuring smile. “That’s why I’m here.”

“That’s why we’re all here!” Applejack said.

The girls gathered around Twilight and myself while Spike tried to squeeze in somewhere there weren’t funbags at eye level. He chose to stand next to Pinkie, amusingly. Shining started off by telling us that he hadn't really had much time to gather information since he was trying to look for signs of bigger shit happening in the Arctic. Cadance was putting all of her strength into her spell, so she hadn't been able to do much herself, so neither of them could ask the Crystal Ponies what was up. Rarity flipped the fuck out over Ponies being made of crystal and I gave her a look that made her shut the fuck up so Shining could keep talking.

He mentioned that someone had to know how the Empire was protected before Cadance showed up, so Twilight took that in the ~~stupidest~~- most academic way she possibly could have and surmised that she would have to gather information from the Crystal Ponies and turn her findings in to Shining and Cadance by way of a research paper. I tried telling her that it wasn’t that kind of test, but I was dutifully ignored and she told Shining that she was ‘really good at this sort of thing’.

I shook my head and sighed.

We split up into groups of two, though Shining and Cadance requested that I hang back and wait for Scarlet Snow to arrive, despite my orders to stay with Twilight. I was going up the fucking walls due to the fact that I knew there was danger here and that I wasn’t doing a damned thing to help Twilight out with it. I tried making Cadance liters of coffee to help her stay awake and refreshed, but I soon learned that she could only handle a cup at a time. Shining left her in my care to go scout the wastes since I knew how to keep people up for days on end by regaling them with interesting stories and shit like that, so Cadance and I sat down and had a chat about a few of my exploits until I just had to ask a question.

“Alright, love. I need to get something off of my mind.” I stated.

Cadance gave me a worried look. “Talk and I’ll listen. You know I’ll answer any questions you have.”

“What are you and Twilight now? I thought you two were like sisters or something, but you’re obviously close in multiple ways now.”

Her eyes widened and she blushed a bit. “W-Well, we agreed that after sharing you that day, there was just something different between us. I may have known Twilight when she was just a filly, but I like the mare that’s she’s grown to become and she likes me. I just… I don’t really think we have a label for it.”

I nodded. “That’s pretty much what I thought. I have no problems if you’re worried about that, but I’ve been wondering about you two ever since that last kiss goodbye. It was absolutely stiffening.”

She blushed harder. “Max!”

I grinned deviously. “What? The woman I love the most and one of the most attractive women I’ve ever met were snogging right in front of me! What was my reaction supposed to be?”

Cadance covered her mouth and averted her eyes for a moment. When she collected herself, she was still grinning. “It’s nice to know that you weren’t just sleeping with me because I’m a princess, I guess.”

“In fairness, everything I told you the first time I met you was absolutely true. You really are a pleasure to be around. Simply enchanting.” I smiled.

She rolled her eyes. “Are you just going to flirt with me while my husband is away, or are you going to keep the conversation polite?” She sipped her coffee

“What does your arsehole smell like?”

Cadance choked. “Max!”

“Can I give it a sniff and check?”

“No!”

“Can I lick it?”

“What’s wrong with you!?” She laughed.

“I’ve never licked a princess’ arsehole before. I’ll have to see if Luna wants to let me do that.”

“I really think you’d have a better shot with Celestia, even if you two are separated.” She said, rubbing her cheeks to ease her aching muscles.

“No, Luna’s already let me taste her honey pot once. She tastes like blue raspberries, just so you know.” I sipped my own coffee casually.

Cadance’s jaw dropped. “You’re kidding!”

“No, she really does taste like blue raspberries.” I gave her a cheeky grin.

“That’s not what I’m talking about! Have you really slept with Luna too?”

“I can’t really tell you about what we do in private since she’s asked me not to say, but we’ve never had sex in any form, if that answers your question.”

“That really doesn’t. I’m going to ask her why you know what she tastes like when I get a chance.”

“I’d prefer it if you didn’t. I’m pretty sure Celestia knows, but I don’t want Luna to fuck me up for having loose lips while in your company. I can tell you that Twilight likes to watch, however.” I grinned.

Cadance raised a hand to her face. “I’m sure she does. I think Twily likes watching nearly as much as participating. “

I nodded. “I think the only time she ever really gets involved is if you’re the one I’m doing things to. I mean, she likes to taste me on other women, but she really is shy about doing things in front of other people.”

“That’s understandable. I mean, I’m pretty loveable.” Cadance flipped her hair.

“I’ll say. I’m sure you have plenty of admirers who want you to spray your love all over their faces.”

“And you took it there again.” She sighed.

“Hey, I’m not disagreeing with you or anything.”

“Is sex all you think about?”

“No, I also think about food and Twilight. It’s mostly eating food with Twilight, but still.” I grinned.

Cadance rolled her eyes. “I’m sure you think more about sex with Twilight that eating with her.”

“I think about eating her out pretty often. I think that’s a fairly good compromise.”

She sighed again. “I’m really beginning to think that you’re just as horny little Human all the time. How many mares have you slept with?”

“Do you count abusing someone until they orgasm from pleasure without penetration as sex?”

Cadance looked at me like I’d grown a second head. “I don’t think I quite heard that correctly. Did you say ‘abuse’?”

“There’s a cute little thing in Ponyville that like to be hit, whacked, walloped, caned, spanked, and pretty much borderline tortured until she cums a few dozen times.”

“...That’s terrifying.”

“I don’t know, I think Shining might like it if you tried some of the lighter stuff with him. Try giving the guy a few spanks one of these nights.”

“...Is that serious advice?” She asked.

“How’s your sex life so far?”

“...I’ll see if he’s interested.” That bad?

And so began a conversation about strap-ons, lubrication, and femdom in general. Once I explained to Cadance that I thought Shining was more of a sub than a dom, and what those two things were, she seemed a lot more interested. I found it a little odd that she took to the idea of dominating her husband so quickly, but when I got her talking about how lame her sex life was before the advent of the cock ring, I just wanted to help her out in any way possible. Cadance really liked some of the things I told her about domination, and by the thirty minute mark, I had her full attention as I explained that you could penetrate a man and get him off by stimulating his G-spot. She actually had me start over with some of the things I told her so she could take notes, and when I went behind the throne to consult Pinkie about some of the things I was unfamiliar with, she was shocked to find that I had more knowledge. I don’t know how Pinkie was there or why she was, but when I went back for another dose of information, she was gone.

While we were talking, Scarlet Snow showed up and I noticed that Cadance wasn’t paying attention, so I answered all of her intimate questions as if Scarlet wasn’t there and stared the Operative in the eye while I did so. Cadance eventually turned around to see who/what I was looking at and turned bright red when she realized that it was a person. I was hit multiple times for my shenanigans.

“S-Scarlet! I-I-I didn’t see you there!” Cadance stammered. “We were just having a hypothetical conversation is all that was. Nothing to worry about or talk about ever again.”

Scarlet just looked at her. “Your personal business is none of my concern, Your Highness. I’ve come to help keep you awake.”

“I think I’ve got it covered. Aren’t you supposed to be my contact while we’re here?” I asked.

“I am, but there’s precious little for us to do unless you want to join Shining Armour in the wastes. From what he told me, I don’t think you have the physiology to stay in the cold like Ponies do.” Scarlet answered.

“True enough. Coughing up blood fucking sucked.”

Cadance looked at me, shocked. “You were coughing up blood!?”

“Yeah, the shock to my lungs probably tore some of my membranes. It’s fucking cold out there, love.”

“I know, but that sounds awful! Are you okay?” Cadance asked.

“I heal fourteen times faster than your average person and even faster than that when I focus on it. I’m perfectly fine as I am now, if you know what I mean by fine.” I raised my brows at her a couple times.

Scarlet and Cadance rolled their eyes. “I can see how he would keep you awake, Your Highness. Being irritated is a perfect way to stay awake.”

“He’s not that bad.” Cadance said in my defense.

“I’m usually not. I’ve just been saying more goofy things because I’m worried.” I added.

Scarlet just nodded, so Cadance and I went back to talking among ourselves until Shining came back. Cadance asked Scarlet to give us a few minutes alone, but invited me to stay while she had a quick chat with Shining Armour about the joys of being dominated. The guy’s ears were twitching like crazy and he kept looking at me like I was going to fucking choke and die any moment due to some prayers he may have or may not have been saying in his head. Cadance slowly grew more excited as she talked and I kept my face nice and straight, nodding along with some of the things she was saying. At the very least, she seemed to be awake enough to hold the barrier now, and her flashes of exhaustion could be put in check by Shining’s magic.

We finished up with that business soon enough to Shining’s pleasure and we started talking about ways the girls would hopefully come up with information. My methods consisted of finding the seediest parts of town and starting from there while Shining’s way was more along the lines of tracking down the rough and tumble looking characters and getting them to talk by showing some strength. Cadance’s way would be to just talk to the first few people she met, and while Shining and I were pointing out that the average person probably doesn’t have that much intel on anything in particular, Twilight came in with a book.

She started telling us about some Crystal Faire bullshit that put in place by the first Queen of the Crystal Empire and was held yearly to do some shit that sounded like it would right in with Equestria’s ‘peace and love’ motif. I didn’t see how it would help since she also told us that the people had collective amnesia and that they all seemed to be traumatized by Sombra’s rule, but Shining thought it sounded rather promising. Since he wasn’t going back out into the wastes to do his bullshit, I was free to tag along with Twilight and Spike to help put the fair thing together, but before I could join them, Shining asked Scarlet to come back in and keep Cadance awake so he could have a word with me in private.

Once we borrowed a room to do the talk in, he slammed the door shut and glared at me. “Why? Why do you hate me so much?”

I raised my hands. “I just needed to keep her awake, mate, and BDSM is an interesting topic. I didn’t think she’d actually take to the idea.”

“Just stop talking about sex with my wife!”

“I’m like her consultant! She has questions, I give answers. I’m not going to shag her again,” Without Twilight, “so don’t worry on that front.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about! That little ring thing you gave me kinda hurts, but she always wants me to use it!” His shoulders hunched and he glanced away.

I raised a brow. “Do you like how it hurts?”

“...Shut up.”

“I’m just saying that it’s normal to be adventurous in bed, mate. There’s nothing shameful about liking a little slap to go with your tickle. Just give it a go and move at your pace with the BDSM stuff, not hers. She might want to go a little fast for you, but you need to have clear guidelines set up-”

“I am not talking about sex with a stallion ten years younger than me! You’re also my sisters special somepony at that!”

“So who are you going to talk to about sex? If you don’t know what you can do, then how will you know to do it?”

Shining set his jaw. “How do you even know so much about sex anyways?”

“I’ve been having it for about five years and it was a pretty accessible subject in my world. There were multiple sources of information that would give you whatever knowledge you wanted in the comfort of your own home. You could learn things like different positions, how to use different toys, and what generally works best for men and women.”

“...What do you mean by different positions?”

“...It’s either going to get real awkward or I’m going to need some paper and a pen.”

“We have parchment and quills, but no ink.”

I sighed. “Let’s see if Scarlet finds me attractive.”

Short story short, Scarlet does not find me attractive and she slaps rather hard, though she didn’t even blush when I asked her to help me show Shining and Cadance new positions in bed. I asked why she’d slapped me if she wasn’t even embarrassed or offended and she told me that she just slapped stupid people for saying stupid things on occasion. I slapped her arse with my tentacle since she’d overreacted and I found a way to draw without using a pen. I had forgotten all about the Warbling Blade and its stiletto form originally being used to draw, so I tried doing that with it, but when I blasted the air in Scarlet’s direction, she levitated me off of the ground so she could slap me twice: once forehand, the other backhand. It was a savage move that reminded me of Pokemon for some odd reason and I asked if it was her signature move, nearly earning me a kick to the dangly soft bits until Cadance told her that going so far would be considered assault while in her castle

Scarlet argued that I was just being an 'irksome gnat' at this point and I replied that she was being an aggressive, humorless cunt. She pointed out that slurs she didn’t know the definition of were pointless, so I called her a sow and left it at that. She actually did color once I said that, but Cadance stepped in before we could start throwing real punches at each other and told me to go help with the fair while Shining and Scarlet helped keep her awake. I told them to give her plenty of coffee in small doses to start and to begin upping the cup sizes once they stopped affecting her since Shining hadn't thought of coffee in the first place and Scarlet was being a cunt.

The girls had everything under control when I found them and they’d already put the fair together in the time it took me to talk to Shining and Cadance about the many positions of the bedroom waltz, which I found to be pretty fucking amazing. Apparently there had been something for each of them to use their natural talents on and Rainbow even got to do some jousting, so that shit was cash. There really wasn’t much for me to do, so I stuck by Twilight’s side as the last of her Magic Song bullshit petered out. Seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever written about it because I try not to think about it, but it’s truthfully the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. It wraps you up and teaches you choreography that you never knew you had, making you sing a fucking song while you dance. Come to think of it, I’ve probably never written about it because I generally try to get blackout drunk immediately after it happens or go into a ganja induced coma, but I have neither substance on me right now and I couldn’t roll my eyes hard enough. It’s not like the magic is irresistible or anything, but it’s annoying as fuck. As it was, I still ended up humming along with the last few notes because I wasn’t careful.

Twilight ended up cutting some crystal with magic to make a centerpiece thingy that looked wonky as fuck. She told me that the book had mentioned one, so I asked how the bloody fuck she’d managed to get the fair put together and take the time to do that bullshit too. My lover shrugged and said that I’d been talking to Cadance and Shining for a 'good while' or some shit. I asked Twilight if I could see the book she was reading and skimmed through the bits about the fair, but the first thing I noticed was that ‘Crystal Heart’ was capitalized. The rest of the book was in a shitty archaic dialect, but that shit was definitely referring to something that wasn’t just crafted on the fly. I asked Twilight to give that section another read and asked her if anything stood out to her, but she just glanced at it and said no, stating that she was trying to get the Crystal Faire started if I was done being difficult. That irked me a bit.

I gave Twilight an irritated look. “Cherry, far be it from me to tell you how to go about your business-”

“Exactly!” She beamed and hugged me. “This is my test, so you just keep standing there and being handsome! Preferably silently.”

Being ignored annoys me. Being snubbed and ignored pisses me off. “You’re not listening to me, love. I don’t-”

“Relax, Max! This has to work! It was even in the book!”

“You’re getting real close to-”

She squeezed me a bit tighter and looked up at me. “Shhh! Be good and don’t break anything, okay.”

I took a deep breath and pushed her away. “Lemme have the book a mo’, will ya?”

Twilight gave me an odd look. “Sure. I’m going to go get the fair started while you read, I guess. I think I got as much as I need from that anyway.”

“Yeah, you do that.” I said flatly.

She furrowed her brow, but still walked away to go do the thing she said she was going to do while I skimmed the book some more. The Crystal Heart only got a few mentions, but every one of them lead me to believe that something just wasn’t quite right about Twilight’s hypothesis, so I decided to look into it myself. I noticed that there was a page missing at the back of the book, leading me to believe that it would be my best bet to start there. With the book in hand, I walked around for a minute or two when I found a random guy to ask some questions, and before any mother fucker says something, Cadance’s way of gathering intel is not better than mine. It just so happens that I’m pressed for time and it seems like something the citizens would have knowledge of.

I stopped the random dude. “Oi, mate, can I ask you a question or two?”

He looked at me sadly. “Sure, I guess.”

“Lovely. Do you know what the Crystal Heart is?” I asked.

He perked up immediately and due to some pointless magic, his coat seemed to brighten from the dingy color it had been. “You mean the Crystal Heart? Of Course! It’s the relic that protects the Crystal Empire from the harsh weather outside!”

I bit back a sigh. “Thanks mate, I appreciate the help.”

“Any time. Do you know where it is?” He inquired, a little pep in his voice.

“I’m looking for it now. Trust me when I say I’ll find it one way or another.”

He gave me a man hug and walked away since there was no reason to say anything else, I guess. He could have wished me luck or something, but I noticed that his coat faded when I mentioned that I didn’t have it, so fuck that guy for being a sad sack of depressed bullshit. I heard Twilight announce that the Crystal Faire was now up and ready to begin, so I headed back to the Throne Room inside the castle since I figured it would be the best place to hide something if you were an evil ruler. Shit made sense to me, but I can’t say I didn’t have my doubts. After all, I wouldn’t do something that fucking dumb, although Ponies tended to be some kind of fucking retarded most of the time and Sombra, though evil as shit, was still a Pony. Technically a Unicorn, but now I’m just getting bogged down in details.

By the time I fucked off and got up the stairs again, my legs hurt and I was feeling awfully irritable, so when I saw Shining and Cadance on my way to my destination, I asked if they knew why Twilight was being so stubborn about her test and not allowing people to help her. Shining gave me a knowing smile and told me that it was just a part of Twilight that I hadn't seen yet. Cadance assured me that her stubborn streak was a good thing, but I maintained that ignoring someone who was trying to lend a hand with no strings attached was fucking stupid. Shining gave me a glare for that and Scarlet looked like she was just waiting for an order to fight me like the twat she was. It took a lot for me to cast my own frustrations aside and tell them about what the random guy had told me. Cadance said I could have free reign of the castle as long as I didn’t do anything too destructive and I told her that I wasn’t a destructive person by nature. Violent, yes, but not destructive. The Prince and Princess just shook their heads and walked away with Scarlet in tow, though the level gaze she passed my way wasn’t missed.

I walked into the Throne Room and gave the shit a goosy gander, looking over everything multiple times, asking myself where a crazy, most likely narcissistic, sadistic, shit fucker would put something that protects thousands if not millions of people. The only thing I could think of was under his own arse so he could fart on it all day and that made me chuckle, but while I was fucking around with my thoughts, the centerpieces of the throne caught my eye. There were symmetrical crystals on both sides of the throne, but the centerpiece was unique in the way that it seemed as though it were cut rather than naturally formed, a lesson I learned from ‘accidentally’ sneaking into a jewelers show while he was working on some quartz and various other things. Come to think of it, that guy was actually really cool about nearly being robbed and even taught me some shit that helped me steal better shit in the future, which is why I never went back without a bottle of liquor in my hand. I only visited a few times over the years and I never learned his name, but it’s probably better this way. Shit, not like it matters now.

I need to stop getting sidetracked.

I decided to test out a few theories I had on the centerpiece thingy. On one hand, whacking it too hard with my psychic tentacle would land me in deep shit with Cadance, but on the other hand, I could just throw load a Seal with ‘Activate’ on it and see if that does anything. It was worth a shot, so I took the book in my right hand and formed my Seal in my left so I could actually aim this toss. It only took me thirty seconds to load ‘Activate’, which was pretty fucking great since most of my enchantments took a minute or five to get right. I high-fived myself mentally, then did it to the air, sending my seal straight at the crystal centerpiece. With hopes of being able to remove my mark if nothing happened, I watched as my Seal hit the thingamabob and for some odd reason, it started turning grey and cast something like a shadow over the floor, leaving a translucent shell over a fucking ridiculously deep set of stairs. I groaned and tried to put my foot on the first step, but it was like a barrier was over it for some odd reason. I wondered why simply activating the crystal didn’t work until I facepalmed, realizing that Seals aren’t necessarily Dark Magic: mine is just tainted. It also made me wonder if Seals were True Magic, but I saved that thought for later and decided to see if I could still live up to my old nickname.

I climbed onto the throne with little difficulty and put my hands on the centerpiece, channelling magic into the thing to see if that would work. When I opened my eyes, I saw that the crystal was now straight up black instead of grey and I looked behind me to see that the shadow was darker now. After clambering down, trying not to get myself fucked up, I considered telling Twilight about my find, but then again, she’d made it obvious that she didn’t want my help, so I wasn’t about to fucking give it to her. I knew it was some petty bullshit and that I was probably going against Celestia orders as we spoke, but I wanted to prove my goddamn point. Twilight could have been right beside me as I was heading down the stairs, but she’d chosen to ignore the hint I pointed out to her, so she could deal with it. Come to think of it, I was probably just hurt that she’d cut me out of her activities so bluntly. I hadn't gotten to help organize or execute the fair, and all I’d done to help anyone out was tell Cadance that coffee was good for keeping your energy up. Other than that, I’d done precious little and I just don’t like feeling helpless. Feeling useless was pretty much just as bad, so despite my rational, reasonable side yelling at me to go get Twilight, I continued on by myself.

The stairs went on for fucking ever. Forever and then some, I should say. It took me so long to get down said stairs, I actually heard Twilight gasp from somewhere near the top and decided to cool my heels. There was a door with a crystal as its keystone or whatever those decorative things are called, so I figured that it had to be activated with more Dark Magic before it would work. I stood around, listening to Twilight’s hoofsteps while she descended and tried opening the door myself, but it kept zooming around the bottom of the stairwell like it was either alive or enchanted. I almost hit it with some Dark Magic then and there to just get it over with, but the good in me won out, so I waited for Twilight to get down to my level.

As it turned out, she got there a lot faster than I did by way of falling down the stairs a couple flights, and when she was about to hit the actual floor, she caught herself with magic as I was racing forward to catch her myself. Twilight opened a single eye and looked around while I righted her and flipped her skirt down.

“Nice of you to join me.” I said drily.

“Max! What are you doing down here!?” She asked quite loudly.

“Following the lead I was trying to give you. I’m guessing you figured out that the Crystal Heart isn’t something you can just make?”

Her eyes widened. “You knew? You knew and you didn’t tell me!?”

I had to stop my lip from curling and keep my voice level. “When did you give me the chance? When you were cutting me off in the middle of a sentence? When you refused to see the clue I saw? When you straight up ignored me?”

“Max, this is my test! I’m not supposed to get help from anypony!” Twilight argued, her brows furrowed.

“Celestia said, and I quote, ‘Your task is to protect and help her as much as you can.’. You didn’t let me give you the lead, so I followed it myself, and it brought me here; how many steps ahead of you? You’re not supposed to do this alone; You’re supposed to do it with the resources you have and you’re straight up throwing me away! Believe it or not, my insight is a resource! I am a resource!” My voice had climbed while I spoke and Twilight glared at me.

“You’re not turning this around on me! I’m going to do this alone, one way or another, and you and I are going to have a talk about this when I’m through!”

“Fucking lovely. Go ahead,” I pointed at the door, “open it.”

Twilight huffed and went to go grab the handle, but the door darted off. She turned around to glare at me, but I wasn’t phased. “You knew it would do that.”

“And the funniest thing is that I know exactly how to open it too. You wanna be Rambo Solo, you go right on ahead.” I said bitterly.

Twilight grit her teeth and tried to open the door with magic, but when she got close to it, the thing zipped around the wall to the other side of the room. This went on for a few minutes until Twilight got frustrated and kicked the wall, hurting her hoof in the process. She sat down and cried, though I was pretty sure that she wasn't all that hurt. It sucked pretty hard to see my dearest love in pain and it broke my heart in ways that made me stop being angry with her for a little bit, so I shrugged off the chip on my shoulder and gently wrapped my arms around Twilight, but she tried to peel my arms off of her until I made it clear that I wasn’t going anywhere.

“Twilight, please use me. You don’t have to flat out ask me how to open the door, but letting me give you a place to start from is perfectly fine.”

She sniffled. “I thought you said you were going to let me do it by myself.”

“We’re burning through time we don’t have." I reasoned. "Twilight, what do Sombra and I have that you don’t?”

She wiped her eyes and looked back at me. “Male genitals?”

I closed my eyes and sighed. “Besides a set of dangly bits. Think about it: Why would I be able to find this room, but not just anyone else?”

Twilight’s breathing levelled out and she thought about it for a moment. “Well… I guess you and Sombra are both Dark Magic users, but I don’t see- Oh!” She lit up. “The crystal Celestia showed me! It had to be activated by Dark Magic!”

I gave her a kiss on the cheek. “There we go. I’m sure I don’t need to say anything else for now.”

Twilight clutched my hands and gave me a real kiss. “I… I’m sorry I ignored you, Max, but this really my test, and I can’t let anypony help me too much with it. Celestia entrusted this task to me, and I need to be the one to get it done.”

“I’m sorry I got so offended, but I really just can’t handle feeling useless. It’s not one of those things I deal with very well.”

Twilight touched my cheek. “You’re never useless, amour. You just can’t be involved with everything I do.”

“I can try. What if we shrink me down enough so that I can’t really do anything other than bounce around on your breasticles?” I jested.

Twilight rolled her eyes and gave me a warm smile. “I’d laugh, but we didn’t have time for me to cry anyways.” Her face got serious. “We’ve got a real problem and I need to get this done.”

My lover closed her eyes and seemed to focus, beads of sweat forming on her brow at a rather quick pace. I thought her concentration face was one of the cutest things I’d ever seen, so I locked that memory away for future use and watched as she opened her glowing green eyes and blasted the crystal keystone with a bolt of black magic, finally making it open. Twilight grabbed my hand and gave me a brilliant smile, leading us into the bright light coming from the door, but once we got inside, her hand slipped from mine and I found myself in the cop shop in Wiltshire. Again. I had been here more times in few fucking months Equestria than I had in multiple years while in England!

I looked around and drew the Warbling Blade since I was sure that either Chief Graham or the abomination that once plagued my mind would show up, but imagine my fucking surprise when I heard footsteps coming from behind me that didn’t sound like dress shoes or monstrous footsteps. I whirled around to face my assailant and looked Maxwell dead in the eye.

“Wotcher mate.” He said softly.

“Hullo.” I replied meekly.

“You know, I’ve been watching you since you got to Equestria.”

My heart skipped a beat, despite knowing that this was all a lie. “Really?”

“Yeah. You stole my greeting. And my fucking name, but I’m more mad about the greeting.”

“I’ve also been using that greeting to open conversation where I shag sexy aliens.” I pointed out.

He snorted. “It’s whatever. I’m more upset that you’ve been a complete failure since you got there.”

I slapped myself two good times and the scene shifted to the Old Castle in the Everfree. Noir was standing in front of me and I just raised a brow. “You’re going to tell me you’re disappointed in me.”

“I hate you.” She snarled.

“Suck it up or suck me off. Noir loves me unconditionally, and if you don’t get that, then you’re not going to phase me. What else you got?”

And so it threw quite a few things at me. In the end, I met Celestia, who told me that she’d never loved me, Luna tried to kill me, the Chief tried to rape me again, Rat Bastard pulled out a bigger needle, Twilight said that I was heartless and unloveable, and my friends ganged up to tell me that I was a useless piece of hateful shit. All in all, it would’ve tugged at my heartstrings if I hadn't spotted the illusion for what it was right off the bat, but I suppose lesser creatures could be phased or whatever by that sort of nonsense. By the time Spike shook me out of the illusion, I was pretty much just annoyed by the things I’d seen. Twilight was a little shaken, and when Spike tried to look at the wall, he started saying shit about leaving Ponyville until I yanked his tail and got him to come back rather quickly. Twilight tried a different kind of magic on the keystone and the wall faded away to reveal… More fucking stairs! Wonderful!

Twilight started walking up them, but after a few steps, she asked Spike and I if we’d like to come along and so we did. After a fucking fuckery fuckton of fucking stupid goddamn stairs, Spike mentioned that Sombra would be a big enough arsehole to make a staircase that goes on forever, so Twilight asked us to grab her hands and she started casting a spell that reversed gravity. That shit was actually super dope and instead of busting our arses going up flight after flight, we started sliding down and I had to use the Warbling Blade to make sure we didn’t go too fast or slide off the edge and die or some shit. Twilight was grinning like a fool the entire time, shouting about how she’d studied gravity altering spells, thinking that they would be on her test and I asked her how long it had taken her to get that shit done. She mentioned the time we’d snogged on her ceiling as an example and that she’d learned the spell earlier in the day.

We got to the top/bottom of the staircase and Twilight flipped gravity again and I’m pretty sure my understanding of the laws of physics just broke in half since we should have been on the underside of the tower instead of the top, but fuck logic and the things that come along with it. We landed in a heap with me on top of Spike’s hard, scaly arse and Twilight on top of me, so I did a pushup to stop crushing Spike and Twilight hopped off of my back and ran over to the Crystal Heart before I could stop her and ended up getting herself trapped in the circle surrounding the damned thing like cliches were cool. It bounced out of the way, so I picked it up and held it. Shit was kinda cool.

“Max! Spike! Sombra could be attacking the Crystal Empire at any moment! You two need to get the Crystal Heart to the Crystal Faire as soon as possible, and don’t worry about me!” Twilight exclaimed.

I passed the Heart off to Spike. “I’ll stay with her, you go make shit happen.”

“B-But what about Twilight’s test!? What if she fails because we-”

“Go!” Twilight and I shouted in unison.

Spike looked over the side of the tower, trying to find a faster way down than walking on the stairs, but I could see from our position that we were just about out of time since Cadance’s barrier seemed to be flickering more and more often. Someone hadn't kept up my coffee regimen, otherwise we should have had a few more minutes. Crystals started to form on the side of the tower, and when I looked over, vertigo almost made me fall right off the side, so I got as close as I could to Twilight and told Spike to do some extremely dangerous shit by way of travelling down the crystals coming from the side of the tower. Twilight told me to go with him, and since she seemed to be fine, I choked down my paralyzing fear and did as she asked. Spike straight up fell off the shit, and me not being one to let people die alone, followed him right after with a half formed idea in my head. The wind whistled as I fell and I remembered through some movies and instructional skydiving videos that I’d watched during a YouTube binge that spreading out would help slow your fall, but I needed to catch up to Spike, so I narrowed myself and brought him to my side with my tentacle when he got in range. I went for the Crystal Heart soon after and hoped that I would be able to not get us killed. I mean, I could come back, but Spike would stay dead, and Twilight would probably never forgive me for letting her brother die.

My hopes were soon shot in the testicles when I felt a sudden impact, then were healed and kissed on the bell head when I realized that Cadance had Spike and I under each arm and that we were gliding quickly to the ground. I nearly pissed myself with relief, but I figured that would be a little too much relief, so I held it i until we touched down and Cadance set us on our feet, magicking the Crystal heart to its rightful place. She spouted some bullshit about love and unity keeping Sombra away, but I was really just thrilled that I didn’t die again and that Spike was okay. With the Crystal Heart in place, magic bullshit started to happen and the Crystal ‘Empire’ began to… I dunno, crystalize? Shit got translucent and it looked kind of cool, but Sombra was still on his feet and not disappearing.

And he looked pissed.

The Crystal Ponies gave me a wide berth when I activated my aura as I took my time in approaching Sombra. His crystal pillar crumbled under his feet and he was now on level ground, his hands flaring with Dark Magic, but not taking hold anywhere he tried to blast it. Another flash of magic radiating from the castle (I assumed) made my skin feel like it was on fire for a few moments, but after some time to get used to the pain, I realized the Sombra was limping towards me.

“My crystals!” He hissed.

“Be more worried about your life.” I replied hoarsely.

He came into what a normal person would consider personal space and laid a hand on my shoulder. I allowed the contact since it didn’t seem as though he was going to strike me. “Brother, we must escape!”

I stuck Nacht through the place his heart should have been and he stared at me. “Darkness and evil are two different beasts.”

Sombra’s mouth opened into a silent scream and his hand went for my throat, but as I twisted the knife in his chest, a beam of blue and dark pink magic hit his horn, snapping his head back. I ripped Nacht from his chest and his body lost all form, save for the corrupted piece of bone that was his horn. As Sombra turned to smoke and ash before my very eyes, I felt hands on either shoulder. I figured it was Shining and Cadance, so I ignored them and casually picked up Sombra’s horn because it looked like an interesting trinket. Nothing happened when I held my new toy up other than slow claps of applause beginning from all around me. I looked around and saw that all eyes were on myself, Shining, and Cadance which was pretty sucky since I didn’t really want to be noticed. Cheers were being thrown about and lifted high into the air, nearly deafening to my sensitive ears. Cadance and Shining kept their hands on my shoulders and pushed me along with them as we bowed to the crowd like we’d just performed a fucking show or something, which I thought was incredibly retarded in the worst of ways. After that, the crowd closed in on us and I shoved down the panic that I was feeling in lieu of shaking as many hands as I could. I couldn’t hear anything over the constant babble of congratulations and gratitude, but after awhile, it started feeling less gross to have so many eyes on me.

Eventually, Cadance and Shining had the crowd disperse so we could get into the castle and we were joined by the girls shortly, though I was willing to bet that Twilight was still on top of the tower, waiting for help or climbing down as we spoke about me stabbing Sombra in the heart. Applejack, Rainbow and Shining all praised me for my bravery, but Fluttershy, Rarity, and Cadance were adamant that I could have resolved the situation another way until I pointed out the fact that she and Shining had killed him harder than I had. Cadance hit me for implicating her in murder and Shining rolled his eyes and asked to have a word with me later.

We ended up going to the throne room and all too soon, we had a fuckton of Crystal Ponies flooding in to give us more thanks for freeing them from Sombra. I directed any gratitude towards their Prince and Princess and left to go find Twilight since I didn’t want to be congratulated anymore. That, and I was quite sure that she would be upset over not being able to deliver the Crystal Heart in person.

The only problem with me leaving the Throne Room was the fact that I had no idea how to get up to that tower without the use of Dark Magic, and since there were plenty of people in the Throne Room, I had nowhere to go. I ended up meandering about the castle for a couple hours until I came back to my starting point, and when I saw that Twilight had joined her brother, sister-in-law, and the girls, I didn’t waste anymore time into getting over to them. Apparently Twilight had seen everything from her position atop the tower with some vision based magic, so when she saw me afterward, she ran into my arms and thanked me for killing Sombra and I may have blushed. I told her that it was due to her gravity spell and general knowledge that we were able to get shit done, but she was in a huggy kind of mood, so I just had to stand there and take it like the hug slut I am.

We didn’t talk about much on the walk back to the train station, though I was a little confused that we hadn't even spent a full day in the Crystal Kingdom and were already going back. That actually irritated me a little bit, but I figured I could sleep out the worst of my annoyance on the way back to the Mainland, so at least I had that going for me. While walking, Twilight seemed thoroughly put out by the fact that she didn’t actually do all that much of her own test. Shining said that he was sure Celestia would find another one for her and I told her that Celestia was probably going to be upset with me for not allowing Twilight to do her own thing, but Twilight just felt worse for that, so I stopped her in her tracks and peppered her face with little kisses before telling her that things would work out as they should. Twilight just sighed and boarded the train.

I actually had that word with Shining and he said that Cadance had convinced him to give BDSM a try, but he still maintained that I was evil for suggesting it. I shrugged off his compliment and told him that I’d be the next Sombra if I kept up my evil streak and he just gave me a brotherly punch before rejoining his wife. It seemed like a good cue to go check on my future one, so I hopped aboard and we rode off into the bright sunny day.

We arrived in Gryphonia at the dead of night and Luna was waiting to teleport us to Canterlot. She rolled her eyes when she saw that pretty much everyone other than me was distraught at this point, so when when we joined hands in preparation for the teleport, I made sure to yank her over to me so I could lick her face real quick. She ended up teleporting us into my house for some odd reason and gave me a good whack for making her fuck up, but when I protested, she said that it was my own damned fault. It was totally worth it, though. When that was out of the way, she teleported us all to Canterlot and dragged me away from the group while some maids and butlers showed the rest of the girls and Spike their rooms for the night. The butler leading Twilight away asked if he should just place her in her old quarters and Luna gave him a curt affirmative before pulling me down a side hall.

Once we were out of view and inside and opaque bubble, she grabbed a handful of my hair and kissed me fervently for a few seconds. “You know that you’re either one of the dumbest men alive or you’re the most charming.”

“I’d say charming, but that only happens when I feel like it.” I gave her a grin.

“And yet some of the things you do strike me as more endearing than annoying. However, if you mess with my teleportation again, I will dominate you.”

“Not happening unless you want me to lose my fucking mind. Twilight tried just taking my cherry and I flipped my shit.”

Luna blinked. “You can dish it out, but you can’t take it? At all?”

“Nope. I can be as brutal as you need, but I’ve just been through too much to not panic every time I find myself being bound in any, way, shape, or form. I don’t get why people like being hurt in the slightest, but I know that they do and that I don’t mind filling the role.”

Luna just looked at me and dropped the shield. She apparently didn’t have anything else to say, but she did take me by the hand and teleport me into a very familiar room that I’d snuck into a few times. Celestia was sitting in bed, reading a book and I had a look around. Nothing seemed out of ordinary, stroke the table sitting in the middle of the room that had too many sex toys on it for me to be comfortable with staying in the same room given what Luna and I had just been talking about.

“Sister, Max says that he refuses to be dominated.” Luna announced.

Celestia saved her place in her book after a moment and gave both of us a funny look. She whisked off the blanket that had been covering her up to the neck and I saw that she was already wearing full dominatrix gear.

My dick shriveled a bit.

I backed away slowly, my eyes wide in sheer terror as Celestia said, “So he can’t take what he dishes out? What kind of dominator can’t take any punishment?”

I tripped on my heel and kept scooting away from her while she and Luna looked on. I didn’t stop until I hit a wall. Even then I used it to push myself off of the floor, back to my feet, and started sliding along the wall.

“Max.” They called out in unison.

I fucking bolted.

I had just ripped the door open when two different kinds of magic enveloped me. The door lit up a golden hue and closed as I was dragged through the air with magic. Luna stood there with her arms crossed and her brow high while Celestia was just giving me a womanly look.

“Did you really think you were getting out of here?” Celestia asked flatly.

“P-P-Please don’t hurt me.” I pleaded in a small voice.

Luna rolled her eyes. “We understand that you’re a good actor. Please stop and take your punishment like a man instead of a child.”

I curled up and hugged my knees to my chest. It was a lot harder to breath that way, but it’s not like the panic attack I was having was letting me breath normally anyway. Celestia brought me to her side and set me down on my arse, eventually ripping my hands from my knees with her ridiculous strength and picking me up to put me on my knees.

“If you’re quite done with your foolishness, we can get started.” She said brusquely.

She and Luna shared a grin before toys started floating over from the table. First things first, I recognized a strap-on, a bottle of lube, handcuffs, a riding crop, a cane and a few other things that I’d never seen before. My hands went to my necklace by themselves and I started muttering something under my breath that made Celestia frown.

“Max, what are you saying?” She asked, grabbing the crop that came from the table.

Luna grabbed the cane and leaned down to listen. “Sister, I think he’s calling for Twi-”

A soft pop went unheard and Twilight Sparkle in all her nervous glory was clutching her own half of the book shaped charm. Celestia immediately changed her outfit and hid the crop behind her back.

“Twilight? What are you doing here?” She asked incredulously. “You know better!”

Twilight blinked and looked between me and Celestia before I crawled as fast as I could to her side. My lover knelt down and took one of my hands in her own, which is when I realized that my hands had been trembling like mad.

“Princess? Well, Princesses. What’s going on? Why is Max so scared?” Twilight asked, a little fearful herself.

Luna coughed. “I believed turnabout is fair play. Is there a reason you’re here?”

“I think Max used our necklaces to call for me. Something told me he was in trouble, so I teleported to his location. Why is he so scared?” She asked, gaining a little steel in her voice.

Celestia and Luna traded a look. Luna was the one who answered, however. “Were you not listening? I just told you. I thought Max could bear taking a little of the punishment he’s been doling out to me.”

“Did he ask you to stop?” Her voice could cut through iron.

Luna looked away, so Celestia took over. “We thought he was acting to get out of it.”

Twilight cut her a glare fiercer than any I’d seen from her. “And you didn’t take the shaking as a sign?”

“...We weren’t looking for it.” The white twat admitted.

Twilight gripped my hand with one of hers and put an arm around my shoulder. “Are you okay, amour? I came in time, didn’t I?”

I hugged her. “You pulled through.” I answered feebly.

Twilight hugged me back. “For future reference, If you want him for anything, you go through me first.” She said, glaring at the Princesses.

“Who do you think you’re talking to?” Luna snarled. “You-”

“I think I’m talking to two mares who nearly traumatized my stallion because they couldn’t get their heads out of their rears.” Twilight spat, letting go of me.

I turned to face the diarchs. “A-Alright, nothing happened, so I think we need to let this go and keep these lessons close to the heart. Twilight needs to know before things happen and I don’t like being hurt for fun.”

Luna opened her mouth, but Celestia silenced her with a touch. “We understand, but we would like to remind Twilight that she is our subject and should show the proper respect.”

“When it comes to Max, I’m willing to go against both of you. Keep him out of it and I’ll be sure to give you your due.” Twilight said softly, losing her steam.

Celestia nodded and Luna huffed. “Of course. Since you’re here, I suppose we could go over the results of your test if you want.”

Twilight’s body language closed off immediately and Luna rolled her eyes. “I do not care. I’ll be in Night Court, sister.”

Celestia nodded again. “I’ll be by to see you before I fall asleep.”

Luna teleported us out, leaving the three of us in the second most awkward situation we’d ever been in while occupying Celestia’s room. At the very least I wasn’t caught fucking her again. With a little gentle prodding, Twilight started with her story, though by the end of it, Celestia was glaring at me and I realized that I really did do a fuck up real good, but I defended myself by saying that we really just didn’t have the time for Twilight to find the clues for herself. All in all, Celestia was disappointed in me, but quite proud of Twilight for following the few clues she had and using some of her own ingenuity to save the day, though it pretty much felt like lip service. She was, however, far more honest about how she proud she was that Twilight had sacrificed passing her test for the good of the people without a second thought, which was nice. It was enough for Celestia to give her a passing grade which was plenty enough to clear the air between them, if the heartwarming hug she gave her teacher was anything to go by.

I shook off the worst of my tremors and did my best to quell some unpleasant flashbacks so I could be happy for Twilight. What I wasn’t expecting was the fucking song magic again. She and Celestia teamed up for a duet and the girls showed up out of fucking nowhere, so I left the room and waited until I stopped humming to go back inside. The guards outside of Celestia’s room were in the same position I was in when it came to the humming, so we bonded over that. Kinda. It was quality archipelago time.

I came back inside to see the girls hugging Twilight and Spike standing off to the side rather awkwardly, so I joined him and we watched for as little bit until they broke their little hug. Celestia asked if she could have a word with me in private, making me sigh and Twilight get suspicious, but my lover acquiesced and the girls and Spike left the room so Celestia could talk at me some more.

Celestia just wanted to apologize for making me terribly uncomfortable and bitch at me for ruining her test for Twilight, but I pointed out that she most likely wouldn’t have found the entrance to Sombra’s real lair thing since it required Dark Magic to use it. Celestia pointed out that she’d taught Twilight the barest amount; just enough to open the staircase and it dawned on me that Celestia could have easily sorted out the whole affair without help. I groaned and facepalmed, but when she asked why I was hitting myself, I told her that it was because she didn’t understand just how down-to-the-wire shit had been. Seriously, if Cadance’s magic had failed five minutes earlier, we might not have been able to save the day and I said as much. Celestia maintained that Twilight would have found it out in time, but I was of the opinion that we shouldn’t have been risking something so big in the first place. Why she didn’t just give the girl a normal test like a normal person is beyond me, but I settled for telling Celestia that she was goofy as fuck. She, of course, rolled her eyes and teleported me into a room that seemed like it was made for a bookworm. I assumed it was Twilight’s, so I walked around, found the shower, and had myself a much needed rinse since I’d been grimy from sweating my arse up so many fucking stairs.

Laying in what I hoped was Twilight bed for a few minutes, I heard a door open. My assumptions were proven correct when my favorite Pony walked through the door and plopped herself down on the bed next to me. I scooted around so that I was sitting next to her and she laid her head on my shoulder, but I could feel her smile practically radiating pride and warmth. She asked how my talk with Celestia went and I told her that I’d barely managed to escape being punished for fucking up a bit of her test. Twilight assured me that I’d been correct when I said that things would work out, so I gave her a quick hug and asked if she could teleport my journal to me. She complied with my evil demands, and with my book in hand, I started writing. It took me awhile to get to this point, but Twilight and I had to stop and talk about the way I’d felt when she’d snubbed me after I told her the Crystal Heart was an artifact instead of a thing. I was prepared to let it go, but Twilight was upset that she’d hurt my feelings so casually, despite me telling her that it was okay. In the end, the Crystal Ponies were still made of crystal and that’s really what mattered, though Twilight wanted to dwell on her mistake. I shut her up with a few kisses and that was the end of that.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The trip back to Ponyville was boring since Celestia didn’t feel like teleporting us back and Twilight just forgot she could do it herself or something. Still, I didn’t want her to have to deal with Rarity’s shit anyway. Hopefully lugging all of her shit that she didn’t even use once back to her shop/flat would drive home the idea that maybe overpacking is a bad idea. I’d only brought my satchel with me, so I was good and most of the other girls had only brought a bag or two to accompany them. I didn’t mind helping Twilight carry her heavier bag since she’s my girlfriend and I’m supposed to, but when Rarity objected to me helping Twilight who had significantly fewer things to carry, I told her that it was because Twilight only asked me to carry one thing. She was salty as fuck until Applejack, Rainbow, Pinkie, and Spike all took my side.

I would have gone to the Treebrary with Twilight, but I wanted to go home, so I did. I saw Mother Goose on my way back home, but her goslings were nowhere to be found. She told me that they were old enough to be left alone now, so I wished her luck with them and any goslings she would have in the future. She honked at me and I kept walking because how the fuck do you respond to a simple noise?

I took my key out to open my front door to find that it was already unlocked. With that in mind, I drew the Warbling Blade and silently opened my door, sensing something wrong in the air. I crept through the entrance hall and into my living room where I spotted Brilliance and someone I assumed to be another Dryad. The new one was a bit thicker than Brilliance and her hair was a darkish yellow, though I didn’t know what exactly that meant, if it meant anything at all. I came up from my crouch and coughed to get their attention.

“Brilliance, what did I tell you about wandering into my house?” I asked sharply.

She blinked and the other Dryad just looked at me. “Uh… You said you would stab me if I did?”

“You’re looking like you need a good old fashioned stabbing right about now.” I said drily.

Brilliance looked at her friend, puffing out her cheeks. “I told you we should have just waited outside! You’ve gone and gotten me stabbed!”

The other Dryad shrugged. “You’ll heal.”

“Oh, I’m stabbing you too.” I informed.

“Oh… Is it too late to run away?” The unknown one asked Brilliance.

To answer their question, I picked them both up in my tentacle and bent them over. In a few long strides, I was at optimal spanking distance and brought the metaphorical hammer down on four cheeks in rapid succession before letting them down. Brilliance back against the wall and glared at me like that was going to do something while the other Dryad just held her butt.

“I’m going to let you off easy this time since I’m guessing you need me for something.” I said casually.

“Meanie!” Brilliance yelled.

“Butthead…” The other muttered.

“Stop coming into my house whenever you feel like it and I won’t be a meanie butthead. What do you girls want?” I asked, already tired of their shit.

They traded a look. “We wanted to ask for your help, but you weren’t here, so we waited around for you.” Brilliance said.

I just stared at her for a moment. “You wanted my help with…?”

“There’s an Ursa Major breaking down Dryad trees deep in the forest. We thought that your Dark Magic might be able to turn the battle in our favor.” The unknown one said.

I rolled my eyes. “Let me write out a note real quick and I’ll be right with you.” A thought crossed my mind. “Do you know if the Wolfmother is already lending a hand, or rather, a paw?”

Brilliance gave me an odd look. “She is, but how do you even know about her?”

“She’s my companion.” I said simply.

The Dryads traded another look. “You’re not mating with her, are you?” The other one asked.

I sighed. “Why does everyone think that? She’s like a furry sister to me, Goddammit!”

“Companion must have a different meaning in the Urbane forests then.” The unnamed one shrugged and started walking off until Brilliance caught her.

“We have to wait for him to do his stuff first! He won’t know where to go if we just leave now!” Brilliance said.

“Why doesn’t he just follow our scents?”

“Because he can’t track them very well, he can only tell that they’re there.”

I shook my head and pulled my Dragon Fire from my satchel, sending a note off to Twilight to let her know that I was about to go fight some Ursa Major thing with some Dryads. Twilight teleported to my side and gave me a look.

“Max, I just read your note. Dryads aren’t real.” She said putting a hand on each of my shoulders.

“I should probably explain that they are, in fact, quite real and that they’re just invisible to Ponies and people who haven’t spent much time in the Everfree.” I said.

Brilliance scoffed. “It’s the curse of the Urbane. We prefer it this way.”

I turned to look at her. “If you’re not careful with what you say, I’m not helping you. Insulting my Twilight is the quickest way to actually getting stabbed.”

The other Dryad stepped in front of Brilliance, though I noticed that she was reluctant to do so. “You may take our hindquarters, but you’ll never take our spirit!”

“Max, what are you looking at? Did you let the little snakes bite you again?” Twilight asked, fretting over nothing.

I gave her a bored look. “I’m not high and I’m not fucking with you. You can come with me if you want, but I’m probably going to be killing this thing if I can.”

“Celestia has a hard time dealing with Ursa Majors, amour! How do you plan on taking one on by yourself?”

I gave her a look before going over to Brilliance and picked her up suddenly. Her waif-like form offered me no resistance and I used her feet to kick Twilight a couple times. “You feel that?”

Twilight gave me a look and rubbed her tummy. “You don’t have to poke me with your tentacle!”

I sighed and let Brilliance down. “Alright, new plan: Twilight, you know I can’t really lift more than, like, two things at a time, right?”

“You could’ve been practicing while I haven’t been looking.” She pointed out.

“Actually, the never lying thing should be enough to convince you that I really do have Dryads in my house.”

“You could just be trying to pull a prank on me.” Twilight said.

Brilliance scoffed and the other Dryad sighed while I just facepalmed. “I’m not trying to prank you.”

“...Oh.” Twilight said softly.

“Yeah, I’m not trying to fuck with you, I’m trying to go help them out. There should be plenty of them to help me deal with the thing, so do you want to accompany me into the murder forest so we can stop the rampaging Ursa Major?”

“...I guess. I suppose it would be pretty good practice.”

I gave her a quick hug. “You know where your clothes are here, but if you want to wear some of Roxy’s trousers, you’re welcome to it.” Because they’ll make your arse look fantastic.

Twilight gave me a quick peck and walked upstairs because magic conservation or some shit and I just looked at Brilliance and the new Dryad for a little bit. “Alright, Brilliance already has a name and you don’t so I’m going to call you Sunny. Sunny, don’t just walk into my house or I’ll actually stab you next time.”

Sunny nodded. “Okay.”

I turned to Brilliance. “And you. You fucking know better.”

Brilliance looked down. “I tried telling her we should wait outside, but it was hot.”

“You’re part tree. Just go into the Everfree and get some water or something.” I said blandly.

They traded a look and Brilliance sighed. “We should have thought of that. Your Urbane water tastes a little funny anyway.”

“Can you suck dick, or do animals not ask you that very often?” I asked.

“Suck...Dick?” Brilliance asked slowly.

“I’m taking that as a no.” I crossed my arms and looked towards the stairs, waiting for Twilight to come down so we could get this show on the road.

I figured I had a little longer to wait, so I grabbed some strips of dried meat and had myself myself a snack. Brilliance and Sunny just chuckled at me for being an omnivore that prepares its food, so I whacked them both on the thigh with my tentacle, though it was more of a firm pat that a whack. Twilight came down while I was still snacking and told me that kisses on the lips were off limits unless I ate something that would help mask the flavour of meat on my tongue, so I grabbed a couple apples and started munching away as I followed Sunny and brilliance into the Whitetail Woods.

Now, the Whitetail Woods aren’t quite as expansive as the Everfree, but with the path Sunny and Brilliance were taking us on, we had plenty of it to trek through. Their path was different from any I’d seen, though the trail they had us follow was pretty much the one of least resistance, at least, as far as I knew of. There was little in the way of nettles or briar to impede out progress, so getting around wasn't bad at all, though it was still more of a pain in the arse than I would have liked. Still, it was easier than when we crossed into the Everfree. Our little group had to slow down for Twilight, but luckily, we were able to ward off any possible threats due to Sunny and Brilliance being made of tree. They sang a few Manticores to sleep and we continued onward, heading pretty deep into the forest. The journey was pretty boring other than the fact that Twilight needed a rest every few hours, giving us time to find some things that were actually pretty tasty. As it turned out, Twilight was able to eat the fruit that had been a diuretic to me without any issues and the Dryads found me a tree with fruit that tasted like they were made of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. It even had the same consistency as them, but Twilight assured me that it was a healthy fruit after casting a spell on it.

I filled my satchel with as many of those fruits as I possibly could and we kept going, though I didn’t stop snacking on my reserves as we went. I really did like them, but when Twilight gave one a shot, she found it to be absolutely disgusting, so she let me have me fill of the delicious fruit and kissed me to see if the taste lingered. For some odd reason, once the fruit was in my mouth, it tasted like cookies to her, so during one of our breaks, we ended up snogging and I found that to be the best thing since cookie flavoured fruit. Twilight tried to dominate me orally, so I let her have her fun and made sure to get a good taste of her for myself. Grapes and cookies were awful together, but grapes overruled the cookies soon enough and our audience made us stop so we could get a move on.

After six hours of walking, we finally heard a terrifying, heart stopping roar from further ahead. Brilliance and Sunny took Twilight an I by the hand in turn and spurred us onward so we could finally go fight the damned thing. When we cleared the forest and stepped into a rather ominous clearing, I noticed that there was a lot of mulch underfoot, and that there were a lot of branches broken off of the trees around the clearing, but there was nothing indicating what had happened, so after looking down, I looked up. I didn’t like looking up because there was an enormous purple bear towering over everything, so I looked at Brilliance instead.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I asked.

“Nope. We want you to soothe it.” Sunny said plainly.

“Fucking lovely. How long do you want me to soothe it for?”

“We were think forever, but as long as you can manage would be nice.” Brilliance responded.

Twilight gulped. “I-I don’t think we have enough warm milk in Ponyville to soothe that thing.”

“Well, I’m going to load up a Seal with as much magic as I can fit into it and throw it at the thing. What’s your plan?” I inquired.

Twilight just shook her head. “I don’t think that’s going to work.”

“Anything else in mind then?”

“Uh… Let’s go see if we can find Nashoba?”

Sunny made a distasteful noise. “Tell your mate that Nashoba tried talking to it. The Ursa Major needs to be magically soothed.”

“Sunny says the bear needs to be magically soothed. Twilight, if you can load up enough magic to help me soothe this thing, I’ll rub your tummy and give you another whatever you want.” I offered.

She sighed. “I want another tummy rub and some sweet talk.”

“Sounds good to me.” I started conjuring up my Seal, but the more magic I poured into it, the stronger it got.

Eventually, it grew to the size of my torso, and I still l wasn’t done yet, so I kept going. I didn’t have time to look at how Twilight doing since I was pouring every ounce of my concentration into the seal, but I felt myself reaching the end of my rope quickly enough with the area behind my navel aching something fierce. Once I was sure that it was as stable as it was going to get, I glanced over and saw that Twilight’s Seal was considerably smaller than mine, though that’s not saying much. If I were to hit myself with my Seal, it would probably be a full body tattoo at this point, but still.

“Twilight! Are you ready!?” I grunted harshly.

“I’ve been waiting on you!” She responded tensely.

“Just let your magic loose already before anyone else gets hurt!” Brilliance demanded.

I cocked my arm back and prepared to throw my Seal at the creature as Twilight did the same. Our Seals weren’t perfectly in sync, but as they flew through the air, they fused into one and in the center of my Seal, Twilight’s was clearly visible, the different kinds of magic clashing and warbling through the air until it straightened out and the fused Seal began to fly true. The Ursa Major actually turned its head and the Seal hit it as it just watched it happen, its teeth bared as it prepared to roar. The Seal made contact with the monstrous mother fucker’s side and it seemed to just look in the general direction it for a moment before it let loose a mighty snort. Whatever it had been doing, it considered it far less important and turned to walk away.

I fell to my knees and Twilight knelt by my side to see if I was okay and I assured her that I was doing just fine, if not a little tuckered out from using so much magic at once. Twilight finally admitted that there were actually Dryads since she’d seen the rampaging Ursa Major for herself, though she still couldn’t see them. I asked Brilliance if I could go home and she told me that I couldn’t, at least, not yet. She lead us across the Ursa’s paw print, further into the forest while Twilight kept a hand on me, just in case I stumbled. My head hurt and my stomach felt quite empty, so I reached into my satchel and started munching on some more of the fruits from earlier because I was fucking starving. Twilight seemed fine, so I didn’t worry about her too much, though she did ask why we were heading further into the forest. Sunny explained that I was about to go see Nashoba and someone even more important.

We only had to walk for about thirty more minutes before we came upon a more natural clearing that seemed to have a mini Yggdrasil in it. The globe-holding tree was absolutely magnificent to look at, so Twilight and I just stared at it in awe until Sunny and Brilliance started dragging us forward by our hands until we came to the base of the tree’s roots. Once we were in front of it, a woman made of wood came forth and a woman made of flesh followed behind her. The one made of wood was strikingly majestic in a gynoid-esque kind of way, but the woman of flesh… She topped Celestia in terms of raw, unadulterated beauty.

Her angelic features were softer than the angular elven countenances of Brilliance and Sunny. Her nose was slightly aquiline, but it wasn’t terribly long like similar noses tended to be, and her eyes were slightly almond shaped and lit up with a depth of wisdom that made me want to ask her every question my rapidly blanking mind could think of. Her lips were full, but not excessive and her cheek bones were visible and defined, but they didn’t take away from the mild smile she was wearing. I noticed that her ears were only slightly pointed and that her eyes were actually the same shade of green that mine were, if not a shade or two darker between them, which I found to be quite interesting.

My eyes refused to move away from her face, but by some unknown force of nature, they forced themselves to take in the larger picture and I noticed that her body type was very similar to Twilight’s, though she had a bit more to spare around the hips. As she approached, I felt Twilight hand scramble towards mine as she stood next to the automaton. Twilight squeezed my hand and her fear snapped me out of my reverie. She was staring at the wooden woman with a few reservations about what exactly she should do.

“Relax, cherry. She’s not going to hurt you.” I said softly.

“How do you know it’s a she?” Twilight whispered.

“He can see my true form.” The woman and the automaton replied at the same time. The voice that came through their mouths was soft and when I thought about it, I realized that she had to be the eldest Dryad.

I turned to her. “Are you the Matron?”

She smiled a bit wider. “I am. You are the Dark One?”

I nodded. “This is my girlfriend slash future wife, Twilight Sparkle.”

Twilight waved at the automaton. “H-Hello…”

The real Matron came a little closer and took my hands in hers. She looked me in the eye for a moment. “Twilight Sparkle, I wish to give you and your mate a kiss.”

Twilight looked quite uncomfortable, so I said, “The tree isn’t the real her, Twilight. She looks a lot like a human, but… You’d have to see her to believe her.”

She gave me an odd look before biting her lip. “...I suppose it couldn’t hurt.”

The Matron gave me a quick peck before letting my hand go. I had to assume that she was doing the same to Twilight because my senses were going absolutely fucking wild. I could see with an amazing clarity, hear with a sharpness that made the slightest rustle of the leaves , and smell everything in the surrounding area. The freshness of the trees, the smell of sap from those that had been destroyed, the lingering scent of stardust from the Ursa Major, Twilight’s arousa-

Wait, what?

I turned my head to see that Twilight and the Matron were still locking lips and I started to feel a little jealous. I had only gotten a peck and Twilight was getting the full experience, but that just meant that I was going to have to take Twilight aside and give her a better kiss than the one she was receiving. After thirty seconds of stiffening voyeurism, I crossed my arms and waited for either of them to pull away, but neither of them did, so I sat down on some ground between the giant roots of the Yggdrasil and found that I’d nearly sat on a snake and a chipmunk that were just chilling. I apologized and sat on one of the roots so I could have a proper conversation with them while my fucking girlfriend stood there snogging a being that was probably older than Celestia.

The snake and the chipmunk told me a lot about how life in this part of the forest was, stating that neither of them had ever had to go to the Broodmother’s resting place to take care of any injuries. As long as one was willing to play nice and respect the rules of the forest, they were allowed in the Matron’s presence for days on end, though there were times when she just wanted her clearing to herself. I figured that today just wasn’t one of those days because ten minutes later, she and Twilight were still swapping spit. I decided that it was rude to masturbate while in their presence, so I filled my time with juggling knives and even gathered a small audience of creatures of all shapes and sizes, switching up my routine on the fly as I went. It was a good pastime, though fifteen minutes into it, I was starting to get bored.

Twilight and the Matron finally broke their kiss, but Twilight wasn’t in the dream-like state that she was in when we broke our usual kisses. She simply kneeled before the Matron, looking directly at her. The matron gestured for her to rise and motioned for me to come back over, so I stowed my knives and heard collective sighs from the animals that I’d been entertaining, but that didn’t stop me from doing what the old thingymadoodle wanted. When I came back over, the Matron gave me a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you for being patient. Twilight and I had a long conversation about you.” She said, smiling pleasantly.

“I’m surprised you didn’t lick the back of her throat.” I said drily.

Her smile faded slightly. “I should have asked your permission as well. I did not take that into consideration.”

I waved it aside. “You acknowledged it, so it’s fine.”

She nodded and Twilight grabbed my hand, giving me an apologetic look. “Sorry, amour, it was just so…” She pursed her lips and tried to think.

“Pleasant? Warm? Nice?” I suggested.

Twilight sighed. “All three don’t even begin to cover it.”

The Matron smiled. “It was quite pleasant. You have taught your lover well.”

I grinned. “It’s her ability to learn. She picks up on things quickly.”

“I know. I thought that giving her a few more tricks would be the best way to reward you.” The Matron’s smile turned devious and I rather liked it.

“It’s pretty good, but improving on perfect is pretty hard.” I squeezed Twilight’s hand.

The Matron took one of each of our hands in her own, making us form a triangle that I hoped wasn’t symbolic. “You really are quite the sweet one when you choose to be. All other matters aside, I would like to thank you for assisting with the Ursa Major. We have had problems with them before, but I did not feel like putting up with its nonsense. I may be the protector of the forest, but even I tire of certain creatures.”

“It wasn’t that much of a problem. We just threw some magic at it and shit got better, so that was nice.” I replied.

“Max! That isn’t what happened!” Twilight glared at me for a moment before turning to the Matron. “He poured most of his magic into his Seal and I only used about three quarters of my own. If it wasn’t for Max, I doubt it would have worked.”

“I know, which is why I am going to give each of you a gift for dealing with a creature I did not want to put up with anyway.” The Matron closed her eyes and her hands warmed up slightly. “Alright, that should do it.”

She didn’t let go of mine or Twilight’s hands, so we just looked at her. “...So what happened?” I asked.

“Twilight will be able to see the rest of my Dryads now and you will be able to traverse the forest as you see fit. You will know the song to sing whenever you do not want to kill something. I would have given the same gift to Twilight, but we just generally do not like Ponies in the forest.” She turned to Twilight. “As delightful as you are, Dryads are a bit racist. At the very least Max looks like one of us.”

Twilight seemed a bit put out by that little tidbit, so I said, “Don’t worry, love, Ponies are racist too.”

“Hey!” My lover objected.

I raised a brow. “How did the Ponies in town react when I showed up?”

Twilight puffed out her cheeks and pouted. “You’re impossible.”

The Matron chuckled. “You two are precious. When The War comes, I hope that you will join our side.”

Twilight and I sobered up rather quickly. “What war?” We asked simultaneously.

“The War. It will be a war of the world.” The Matron sighed. “Things are peaceful now, but I will have to have you remove the Seal on the Ursa Major in time. Please, when you see Celestia next, tell her that I am willing to parlay with her, should she ever want to have an ally in the forests.”

“...Sure. Will do.” I said numbly. “So about this war…?”

“I do not know when it will happen, but there are forces stirring in the East and in Africa that seem to be leaning toward sending Equestria into Chaos. Perhaps it’s all conjecture? Perhaps this is all just the musings of a paranoid old spirit?” You’re not even convinced by your own words.

“I can’t say for certain, but I’m sure Celestia would be glad to have your help. We all occupy the same place, so we might as well band together, yeah?” I said.

Twilight looked a little scared. “There hasn’t been a war in Equestria since Discord took over! What- How- Who? Those questions!”

“As in pretend you asked them?” I inquired.

“Yes!”

“The what is most likely Discord. The how is most likely Discord. The who is a few people, but the main one we’re looking at is Discord.” The Matron answered simply.

“Fucking Christ, one guy starts all this shit? I really wish there were less of you immortal fuckers to go around.” I sighed.

“We immortal ‘fuckers’ tend to keep to ourselves. Celestia and Discord are the ones who refuse to let nature take its course.” The Matron sniffed.

“At least Celestia’s version sucks less. So can I expect you to keep us updated on the news, or am I going to have to have a word with Celestia?” I asked.

“I will send a Dryad or have Nashoba come to you with news. Consider it an extra present for helping me not kill one of the creatures I am supposed to be protecting.”

“Radical. Twilight, anything you want to add?”

The purple Unicorn just stared at us. “...We were talking about a war. I know you, Max, are from a country that’s familiar with war, but how can you, Matron, be so blase about it!?”

I was a little offended by what she said, but I held my tongue. The Matron responded with, “There are wars on smaller scales every day. Ants fight for territory, and so do bees and wolves on occasion. I see no reason why I should fret any more over the matters of Ponies and the other Urbanes.”

Twilight’s jaw dropped. “I see where you’re coming from, especially since the Zgon are intelligent creatures. Would you happen to know if we’ll have their assistance when the time comes?” I asked.

“They will do as I ask. I am effectively their Celestia, but I do not play favourites.” The Matron smiled warmly.

I gave her a look. “You gave me a peck and spent half an hour snogging my girlfriend.”

“And?”

“Obvious favoritism right there.” I pointed out.

“It is simply preference. Why do you think all Dryads are female?”

“Because you’re a sexist?” I guessed.

“Yes, but mostly because they are more visually appealing this way, though I do admit that your form has its… Perks.” She gave me a lascivious smile.

Twilight was still reeling from the earlier ‘total war’ thing, so I gave her the rules. “You’re going to have to run it by one of us before anything other than kissing happens. We’ll probably say yes either way, but expect the other to want a turn.”

“Could I convince you to let me have some fun with Twilight?” The Matron asked.

“Be gentle with her and all’s well.” I said. “That is, if she wants to give you a chance.”

The Matron gave me a playful look. “There are few who would resist my charms, and that is without me even trying.”

"You know, that's pretty interesting. I tend to have the same effect on women." I smirked.

We both looked to Twilight who shook her head. “No. No. I am not going to let both of you try and charm me.”

“It’d be fun!” I smiled.

“No one would do anything untoward to you.” The Matron assured her.

“No!” Twilight let go of our hands and crossed her arms.

The Matron and I closed ranks and I felt something prod my consciousness. I don’t really know how to describe what I was feeling, but it was like there was a satin vine running from the Matron’s hand into my brain. It didn’t feel intrusive at all, but I knew that would change if I ever crossed her. It made me smile for some reason as she spoke.

“You know, Twilight, Max thinks you’re a perfect blend of pretty, cute, and beautiful.” She fluttered her lashes at my lover. “I happen to agree. Your nose is simply the cutest I’ve seen, your eyes are beautiful, like the clearest amethyst, and your cheeks lend themselves well to your chin and jaw, giving you the naturally pretty look.”

I nodded as Twilight blushed. “That’s not even mentioning the way her hair shines in light, whether from the natural sun or from candles. I spend more time with her and there are times where I stop in the middle of a sentence just to have a proper look at her. Have you seen the way her ears flick when she’s nervous or embarrassed? It’s just one of the many cute things she does.”

We stepped forward as one and spread out slightly, our hands still locked together. Twilight froze in place as we placed our free hands on Twilight’s arms. I had her left side and the Matron her right. “Such soft fur as well. It’s luster is so fine, I believe you could see from across the Everfree, and have you noticed her scent? It’s so incredibly unique and it just puts a person at ease-”

I cut in. “I love it. It’s helped calm me down so many times, I've lost count. All you ever need is to hold her close and take a deep breath; just let her work her magic and everything is just fine with the world. Have you tried testing her musculature yet? She’s perfectly toned, yet huggably soft-”

It was the Matron’s turn to take over. “And it just makes you want to hold her close and let her aura wash over you. She’s quite the remedy for whatever ails you, isn’t she? I’ve known her an hour and yet I can’t help but want to get to know her better in every way.”

“You could always speak to her. She’s such an honest person, and incredibly loyal too. She won’t hesitate to call you out for your mistakes, but she’s kind about it when all you need is a friendly word. She’s a great listener on top of that-”

“With those adorable little ears, I imagine so. The way they’re always trying to listen to you, like she’s analyzing every word. It speaks volumes of her intelligence. You must tell me, is she just a quick study, or does her intellect match her beauty?”

We teamed up to kiss Twilight’s cheeks. “She’s absolutely brilliant most of the time, but I can’t say which is more stunning: her blunders or her successes. She takes her lumps, but never have I seen anyone try so hard to learn from them.”

“An admirable trait for someone so young. Have you ever met a woman so well versed in polite conversation, but so refined with her tongue? I daresay she’s a one of a kind. Perfectly suitable for the only Human in existence.”

Twilight folded her hands and looked down, shuffling her hooves. “...Is there anything else?”

The Matron and I traded a look. “We could move on to your physical aspects.” We said in unison.

Twilight blushed brighter and backed up a step. “I-I think we can stop-”

“You know, her breasts have gotten a little bigger since I’ve known her.” I grinned cheekily, but kept my hand on her arm, stroking it gently.

“Her flank seems rather nice as well, and when your pair those with her flat stomach…” The Matron trailed off.

“You get the perfect cuddle buddy.” We grinned and looked Twilight up and down.

Twilight herself seemed to close off her body language a little, so I tilted her chin in my direction and gave her some of my undivided attention for a few seconds until I felt the mental vine tug me away. The Matron took her turn and I counted the seconds, giving her fifteen just like she gave me until I moved on to kissing Twilight’s neck, casually nudging the Matron to do the same through our connection. Twilight lifted her head to give us both access, but I felt my temporary partner hesitate to go any further without my permission, so we pulled back and let Twilight get a hold of herself.

“So, cherry? What do you say?” I asked, my voice thick with lust.

“Cherry? I think our perfect plum fits my pet name better.”

Twilight’s horn flashed brightly for a moment and I was glad that I was wearing a looser shirt. “Both of you. Somewhere private. Now.”

(Ctrl+F Scene Is Over To Skip)

The Matron and I were trading smiles when Twilight’s horn flashed again, changing my outfit into a royal purple skirt and a black blouse. I didn’t need to check to know that Twilight had made my livery match, but I was rather tempted to do so. While this was happening, the Matron was dragging us toward her tree and the trunk of the tree opened to allow us into a hollow that was absolutely stunning in its own way. The floor was lined with fine branches that were awfully furry, which I appreciated greatly since I’d had to pick my boots up when Twilight transformed me.

The first thing we did was look at the Matron and watch as her dress of gossamer and leaves fell to the floor, revealing her lovely form. Her skin was perfectly flawless and I started to feel a little self conscious until I realized that she was practically a Goddess, which made me feel less inadequate and more on the moist side. Twilight wasted no time in unbuttoning my blouse with magic, so I waited for her to be done before I just lifted her V-Neck from her torso. The Matron came to unhook my bra, so I undid my lovers, but due to my practice in such matters, I was done a lot faster than the Matron. Twilight had turned around and allowed me to start on her jeans by the time the Matron finally got my bra unhooked. I undid the button easily and helped Twilight slip out of them as the Matron searched and unzipped my zipper.

I stepped out of the way and let the Matron unwrap the most fun part, watching as I saw a thin string of Twilight arousal in physical form stick to her panties. I wasn’t going to stop my hand as it travelled downwards and pressed against myself, though I was far more interested in the scene unfolding before me than myself for once. I was going to have one hell of a menage a trois, and this time, it was going to be with a fucking nature Goddess. I don’t know whether it was the Dark Magic in me or my own twisted fuckery, but the thought of touching something that was practically nature personified with my filthy Human hands made me quite damp near the nether regions and I was sure that it was beginning to show when Twilight and the Matron turned their eyes to me.

They both beckoned me closer with a finger and I had to stop myself from leaping towards them, preferring to take things slowly. I crossed the short distance between us and I felt myself lean forward and my lips part, showing off the old pearly whites. My smile was met with a sultry look from both women, though Twilight’s was a bit more pouty. They each hooked a finger into the waist of my knickers and pulled down. Every ounce of my focus was poured into making two high steps, and much to my surprise, I didn’t even stumble or fuck up. Twilight and the Matron rose and we went for a three-way kiss, each of us palming someone’s arse with each hand, though I was a little disappointed that my breasts didn’t squish against either of my partners like theirs did to each others.

Sometimes I wish I had a nicer rack.

My thoughts of bodily deficiencies were blown out of the water when Twilight and the Matron pulled away, both of them looking at me. I knew that they’d decided that I would be the first to get off and I was pretty ecstatic. Being the shortest and the second lightest, Twilight swept me off of my feet and laid me down a little roughly, but the floor was soft enough that I didn’t give a single shit about it. It was at that moment they picked their positions: the Matron got down between my legs and Twilight kneeled over my face and I saw just how aroused she was. I tasted for myself and found that the slightly sour grape taste had left in favour of her usual grape juice/wine combination. Once I felt the Matron’s first lick, I knew that I was going to have to keep my wits about me if I was going to get Twilight off, so I focused on my lover, despite the ample distractions the Matron gave to me.

I teased Twilight unnecessarily, gently licking her lips until she tried smothering me with her pussy in frustration. I got the point after that and decided to get her off quickly rather than building up for a big one. I nibbled on her labia to get her off of me and moaned into her folds when the Matron sucked on my clit. I hadn't even felt her flick my hood back, but then again, mine was a little more exposed than most, so I did the same for Twilight, but I took her sensitive nub in between my fingers as I knew she preferred and added a little pressure while I spelled out a story into her lips with my tongue, making sure to dot my “i’s” and cross my “t’s”. Twilight was on the brink before I was, so I pushed her over the edge by lightly tugging on her clit and rolling my tongue around within her. I was rewarded with some sticky affection, and while Twilight was riding out her first orgasm, I reached mine thanks to the Matrons skilled manipulation of my clitoris and her understanding of how deep she was allowed to go.

Once Twilight and I were done with our fun, my lover let me up, licked my face clean, and we turned to our favourite third party. I wanted to return the favor and I knew that the Matron wanted to taste Twilight for herself, so we swapped positions and I tried to clear Twilight’s flavour from my mouth so I could get a proper taste of her. Her sex was brightly glistening with her own arousal and I briefly wondered why no other Dryad had genitals, but I brushed the thought aside and gave her a lick to see what she tasted like. As it turns out, she tasted like figs and a bit like pomegranates. There was a near chocolatey note that danced across my tongue that I recognized as carob from Maxwell’s weird cooking ideas, but figs took control and the other flavors disappeared, leaving me confused as to why I was tasting them in the first place. Still, I liked figs and going down on someone that wasn’t covered in fur was a fantastic experience I never thought I’d have again.

I took my time with her since the Matron had left the implication in my mind that she was in no rush, so I started off by gently rolling her clit around with my thumb and spreading her lips so I could lick the nectar from them as I pleased. Gently, I eased a finger into her narrow entrance and searched around for a little bump, but I couldn’t find it. I tried again with my middle finger, yet I was still out of luck, so I shrugged and relieved her clit of its protector so I could flick it with my tongue. I was rewarded with a muffled gasp, and after a few seconds of some oral dexterity, I had her squirming, but I was in for the long haul at this point. Pleasure became torture as a pressure started building up in my head and Twilight herself started moaning, but for some odd reason, I was quite tempted to join her, despite not really doing much to myself.

There was plenty more fun to be had, so I decided to give the Matron what she wanted instead of prolonging her ‘suffering’ any longer and when she came, I quickly learned that she was a gusher like Twilight. I did notice, however, that the pomegranates and carob returned, lending their flavours to the figs quite well, now that I think about it. The thing that struck me hardest was the fact that Twilight and I came along with her, though my lover definitely got the most of the experience. While my face was firmly clamped into somewhere lovely, Twilight was giving the Matron plenty of love to lap up. Once I was released, I decided to try myself from the source for the first time. I actually tasted a little sweet, much to my surprise, though I assumed that it was because I eat fruit like rabbits eat anything they can get their furry little paws on.

As much as I enjoyed tasting myself, we needed to let myself and the Matron ride someone’s face and Twilight needed to take her turn on the bottom, so Twilight laid down without hesitation and I got to give her nectar another try while the Matron was on top. I didn’t know how long the Goddess was going to last with Twilight, so I started with Twilight’s outer lips and started making her squirm, but the Matron was already moaning after five minutes, so I needed to pick up my pace. I took a shortcut and went straight for Twilight clit, ignoring my own desires so I could add a finger into her entrance. She tightened further at the intrusion, but once I found my favourite little bump, I gave it a good stroke and Twilight bucked her hips, trying to press my finger into it more firmly, but I’d already been planning on giving it the nice treatment she desired.

When I latched onto her clit and began giving her some of my best work yet in tandem with my consistent fondling of her G-Spot, Twilight could hardly stay still, and the Matron moans were picking up yet again. The odd sensation of being pleasured while nothing was happening to me was coming again, but it was far stronger this time, clouding my mind a bit and nearly making me stop. I was too good for my own good, however, and managed to keep going, despite my pleasure being directly linked to my two paramours. When the magic moment came, I was shocked to find that all three of us came hard, each of us spilling nectar all over each other.

With shaky legs, I took my turn on top of Twilight while the Matron took my place. I was careful to give Twilight enough space to work, but at this point, all three of us were a little wobbly and I figured that this would be the final blow. Twilight wasted no time in attacking my tender little nubbin, teasing my outer lips with her finger and barely penetrating me enough to make things interesting. I felt more at ease than I usually did, so when I felt Twilight go to the first knuckle, I didn’t even flinch. She prodded just a little deeper and I felt myself tighten around her finger, but other than that, I was okay. Twilight didn’t go any further, but she tried teasing her finger to help me loosen up a bit, which I found to be pleasurable in its own little way, but when I felt Twilight’s finger bottom out, I pulled her hand away entirely. We learned to stop at the second knuckle for the time being, and to halt progress beyond one finger shortly after, but I knew that it was the Matron’s influence having her test my new boundaries. It wasn’t like I was freaking out like I usually would, but it did make me deeply uncomfortable, which I considered far better than a blackout.

Twilight tried measuring how deep she could go with her tongue and found that she could use a fair bit of it, which thrilled me in all the right ways. My inner walls were sensitive since they’d only been touched a precious few times, and I was already a bit sensitive from multiple orgasms. The only thing I had to focus on was not suffocating Twilight, so I made sure to not do that and rode out the wave of pleasure that came while her tongue was deep within my walls. My orgasm was intensified by the Matrons magic and Twilight practiced tongue, though when she straight up shoved its full length inside of me and pinched my clit in the way that drove me crazy, I ground my hips against her face and cried out, not giving a single fuck about who heard me. This climax was the longest one yet and I was lucky to remember that Twilight needed to breath. I forced myself to give her some room in the middle of my orgasm, as fucking difficult as that was, but other than that, I lost myself in the bliss that came with cumming all over someone’s face. Twilight rode her own orgasm like a real champ, and when I gave her some room to lick, she was lapping up my self-made honey like she would never get another taste. I imagined that The Matron was doing the same, but I just didn’t care at the moment.

(Ctrl+F Sex Is Over To Skip)

I picked a side and fell off of Twilight as the Matron crawled her way over to us and joined us on the floor. We hadn't said much during the act and basking in the afterglow only needed a single word from each of us.

“Amazing.” Twilight gasped.

“Fun.” The Matron said lightly.

“Fu~ck.” I sighed.

My partners giggled and we continued laying there for a bit. Once I got my breath back, I asked, “So who wants to go another round?”

I saw two hands raise, but Twilight’s dropped first. “I can’t, but I want to.”

“I want to, but I have a feeling that Nashoba is waiting outside as we speak. Well, it’s not a feeling as much as I know for certain, but you know how these things go.” The Matron said, dejected

The Matron rose unsteadily and waved her hands about in the air for a few moments before her dress reattached itself to her. She took some shaky steps to figure out where she was going and left the tree open on her way out, a clear indicator that we were supposed to follow. Twilight and I gave each other a nice kiss, though it was probably a little weird that I licked her face clean of my own juices. Still, it was mildly erotic and it got me a lengthy parting kiss from Twilight. Once we got our clothes on, I lent Twilight a shoulder and we stumbled out of the tree, back into the bright light of the clearing. I knew that tree was going to smell like hot, passionate sex for the next few days if the Matron didn’t feel like doing anything about it and that made me smile, though the prospect of walking through the Everfree in a skirt made me really sad really fast.

Thankfully, Nashoba really was outside and she joined me and Twilight after wrapping things up with the Matron. “Max, Twilight. I see you two have despoiled the purest form of nature in this part of Equestria.” She observed.

“And what a great despoiling it was.” I sighed. “I just wish I could corrupt her like I did Twilight.”

Twilight squeezed me with the arm that was over my shoulder. “What? You’re not satisfied with little old me?”

“No, I could never have another woman besides you in my life and I’d be completely fine. I just like corrupting things for some odd reason. I blame the Dark Magic.”

“I blame your personality.” ~~Lupa~~- Nashoba licked her chops. “The Matron told me about the gifts she gave you two. I don’t think you’ll want to traverse the Everfree wearing that. I’ve had fur all my life, but even I know that briars leave nasty scratches to those underprotected.”

I gave her a crooked smile. “You wouldn’t happen to be willing to give a poor, wearisome maiden a ride home, would you?”

Nashoba sat. “What would that maiden be willing to give for a ride?”

“I could ask Twilight to turn you into a Werewolf so you could try sex without the sole purpose of mating.” I offered.

Nashoba stared at me and Twilight gave me a funny look. “You know, I actually know a spell that turns animals into two legged creatures, but I don’t know how many ponies would be willing to give someone as strong as Nashoba a try.”

Nashoba sat down. “...That is mildly interesting, I must admit, though I would ask that you also turn Krel into a Two-Leg.”

Twilight looked between us. “Who’s Krel?”

“Bearett, the bear that lives with Fluttershy.” I explained.

Nashoba nodded. “He would be my preferred mate. I’ll even let you ride as well if you make us into Two-Legs for some time.”

“You can borrow one of my rooms if you need it. Or you can just spend the day as Two-Legs and see where that takes you.” I offered.

~~Lup~~-Nashoba. Nashoba held up a paw. “Shake on it?”

I grabbed her paw and shook with Twilight following soon after. Nashoba rose and turned toward the Matron who was now approaching us with a few Dryads dogging her heels. “I hope you two weren’t planning on leaving without saying farewell.” She said teasingly.

“Wouldn’t dream of it, love. I know it’s a little late, but do you have a name other than the Matron?” I asked.

“I do.” The Matron said plainly.

Twilight looked at me, then at her. “Would you mind telling it to us?”

The Matron blinked. “My name is Uror.”

My eyes shot open as I looked between the globe-holding tree and back to her. I did that a few times, actually. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Uror looked at me funny, though her smile didn’t fade. “I did just fuck you, but I am not kidding. Does my name hold meaning to you?”

“Yeah! In my world, in some mythology belonging to the Norse people, Uror was one of the maidens of the Yggdrasil, the Ash Tree that Odin sacrificed himself on. If I’m not mistaken, Uror was ‘the past’ out of the three states of time. That’s such a cool parallel! Are your sisters like you?” My words flooded out and Twilight looked at me like I was crazy.

“Roxy, you sound like me when I’m covering a subject I want to give a lecture on.” My lover said.

I blushed. “Sorry, bit of a mythology buff. Norse mythology was fucked up, but I loved reading about it.”

Uror shook her head. “I assure you that my sisters will not be as pleasant as I am, should you ever meet them. The last time we were all together, we each took a root from the original Yggdrasil after a bitter argument about who would take Odin as their husband. Sadly, he joined the Heavens before we could sort the matter amongst ourselves, and if they know that you are a friend to me, then they will despise you.”

“How long has it been since you’ve seen them?” Twilight asked.

“Since before the Everfree was named. Beyond then, time had little meaning to any other creature than the three of us.” She answered.

“How old are you?” Twilight asked in awe.

“Older than Celestia and Luna combined.” I answered.

Uror nodded. “I don’t know the Equestrian calendar too well, but I was one of the first beings on this planet.” She sighed. “I cannot even speak of my original home.”

“...Was it named ‘Asgard’?” I asked quietly.

She looked at me sadly, her smile finally fading. “No.”

“It wasn’t Midgard, was it?”

Her eyes widened. “I cannot tell you this.”

“Can you tell me when you left, or rather, when you were taken?”

She winced and placed a hand over her heart. “I cannot.”

I thought of loopholes immediately. “Were you taken against your will?”

She waited a moment before answering. “I was.”

“When you were taken, we the people still using bows to kill each other?”

She waited another moment before smiling widely, a twinkle appearing in her eye. “They weren’t, they were using something like it. It was new technology.”

“...Have you ever seen more Humans?” A pain lanced through me heart, making me let go of Twilight and double over. I shouldn’t have blurted that out, but I needed to know.

Uror came over and placed a hand on my shoulder. “It is unwise to continue this conversation. Know that from now on, you will have my protection as I once provided.”

The small crowd of Dryads grumbled until she shot them a disapproving glare. They all flinched away, but I thought it was rather tame until I realized that I’d never seen the woman do much more than smile or frown ever so slightly. I rose and put Twilight’s arm around me once the pain faded, and I was absolutely sure, with no doubt in my mind that the gods people once worshipped on Earth were here on Equus.

It blew me fuckin’ mind.

Before I could stupidly ask any more questions, Uror gave Twilight and myself a pleasant hug and asked us to return sometime, though sex would have to wait until we were both here. Next time, I would hopefully be a male, but it was plenty of fun with me as a female in the first place. Hell, it was probably more fun, but I really wanted to stick my dick inside of a literal deity. Holy shit, I just realized that I slept with an actual Goddess instead of a figurative one. Fucking suck on that!

Once we were done with our goodbyes, Nashoba told us to hop on so she could make this quick, and once we were on, she told us to keep our heads low if we didn’t want to get whacked by branches. I really didn’t want to get whacked, so I laid as low as I could so Twilight could follow suit and we were off through the woods. I don’t know how I managed to hang on, but I did somehow, despite Nashoba’s incredible speed. I noticed that the roots and branches of the Everfree seemed to bend out of her way as we travelled and I was sure that we would be home within the hour, though I didn’t trust myself enough to check the pocketwatch that I didn’t actually have on me. I forgot about it in the moment, but now that I’m writing this out, I realize that it could have been pretty awful.

The ride took us to Fluttershy’s cabin where Nashoba asked us to do the thing pretty much immediately. Sadly, Twilight just didn’t have enough power left after helping with the Ursa Major to do very much, so she asked if Nashoba would mind giving her some time to recuperate. My pupper snorted derisively and said that she could lend Twilight some magic through tongue to tongue contact and Twilight balked hard. I laughed my arse off because I knew Nashoba was just fucking with her, but when Nashoba said she was being serious and licked my lover’s hand, Twilight's eyes grew wide and she looked at me like I was supposed to fucking do something about it. I asked Nashoba if she’d be willing to wait one more day for something she’s already waited years for and she said that she didn’t mind at all; she just liked messing with Twilight.

I gave Nashoba a hug and a tummy rub for her efforts, though she said that the Wolfmother wasn’t supposed to get tummy rubs from Two-Legs. I mentioned that the Matron of the fucking Everfree probably wasn’t supposed to get dicked down by something with enough Dark Magic to outright level a town. Granted, I didn’t have a dick for the sexual healing, but my point still stands. Nashoba conceded to my point and Twilight offered to cast and anti-pregnancy spell on her if she didn’t want to wait for the next day. Nashoba’s ears perked up and her tail started wagging, so Twilight took that as a yes and cast her spell, though Nashoba still wanted her to turn herself and Krel into Two-Legs for a day so they could try it for fun.

Once Twilight had her spell cast, we decided to go in and visit Fluttershy since the Sun was still setting. It was probably around eight or something, so when we knocked, I wasn’t really all that surprised to find that she didn’t answer the door. I figured she was either masturbating or fucking Applejack, so I warned Twilight against just walking in and we went back to the Treebrary for some much needed rest. I still had my satchel with the fruits and my journal tucked away inside, so I snuggled up with Twilight and started writing about the day’s events. Shit was actually pretty interesting to read through, and since Twilight is reading as I write, I can’t help but feel like she’s expecting me to add something in that I’m forgetting. Eh.

Spike made some dinner when we finally got back home and I asked how his day went. He shrugged and said it was pretty good, though Macintosh had seen Apple Bloom give her a kiss on the lips and now he wasn’t sure if he was still allowed over at Sweet Apple Acres. Macintosh had just told him to ‘Get lost real quick’, so he took that as a no. I figured I might have to run interference if I didn’t want the guy to get hurt, but Spike said that he would handle it like a man and talk things out with Macintosh if things came to that.

Other than that, shit was pretty boring in town, but I can’t help but wonder why this Discord guy is starting bullshit. I mean, if he’s an immortal fuckboy, that would be one thing, although it feels like he’s more like Ares with his history. Twilight just told me that Discord is basically strife personified, so I explained that Ares was pretty much the same damn thing, but a lot less pleasant. With that being said, I’m really hoping that Uror was straight up wrong about The War, otherwise, we’re all completely fucked.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My morning was fucking great. I woke up to Twilight sucking me off, she’d already made coffee, and Spike slept in long enough for me to return the favour with a little extra on top. Breakfast was simple with scrambled eggs and crepes with preserves and fresh blackberries, and there was plenty to go around. Twilight and I traded some clothes to keep at our respective residences, though she made me go shopping so we could have more variety depending on where we were. We usually just did whatever when it came to wearing what we left at the other’s house, so it was nice to have a few extra things, I guess.

Twilight took my crap back to her house and I did the same with hers. We decided that we would sleep alone tonight, though neither of us really wanted to. I was alright with it, but that did mean that I was going to have to find something to do with my day. The first thing that came to mind was abusing the Son of Sinbad, so I took it into my shed, brought my matches along with me, and focused on filling my workshop with smoke. I hadn't ever actually used the place, so I was hoping to find a reason to use some of the things I had in there through the power of super smoking. I basically just got lit and started whittling. I made a half decent looking cartoon Pony since they seemed to be a good muse for me, but it was still pretty bad. I decided to give it another go, and a few hours later, I’d blown my entire morning on making a miniature Twilight. It had taken some doing to get the details right, but the legs looked even enough and the hooves were flat, so that was good in my books. There was still room for improvement, but with the menagerie of tools I had at my disposal, I figured I could make the next one even better.

Just as I was deciding on who I would make next, I heard heavy footsteps coming from a decent distance away. I wasn’t trying to stab anything when my day was going so well, so I listened carefully and heard that one set of footsteps was carrying along lightly while the other was pretty much just lumbering along for the ride. It clicked that I might be looking for Nashoba and Krel, so I poked my head out of my shop and was proven correct. I gave my attention to Krel first because I felt like it and noticed that the clothes he was wearing seemed a little small on him, though that was probably just because he’d retained a lot of his fur for the transformation. Still, it was a little strange to see someone bigger than Onyx just walking around like he owned the place. I got a good look at his face and realized that, while he had fingers and a more Human face, he’d kept the pointed teeth. He still had a muzzle, but it wasn’t elongated, so it wasn’t like someone had just put a bear on its hind legs and trimmed the fat.

I turned my eyes to Lupa and I wasn’t all that surprised to find that her eyes were still the same intelligent blue they’d been. I was sure that if she was more Pony/Human-like that she would be quite the looker, but as it was, the muzzle ruined the effect, though the rest of her was pretty nice. She obviously wasn't wearing a bra of any kind and it showed since she had some fucking knockers on her, though I was pretty sure that she didn’t have extra nipples in this form. I wasn’t trying to pay that much attention, so I addressed her before I could get creepy.

“Wotcher. You two want to head inside?” I asked.

Nashoba nodded. “I want you to teach Krel how to last. I want to enjoy this.”

I raised a brow and looked at him. “Get off once and don’t stop. Go until your dick hurts.”

Krel snorted. “Is that all the advice you have?”

“It’s the only shit I know will work for your furry arse. I’d show you a cock ring or two, but I have no idea how it’ll go beyond that.” I replied.

Krel nudged Nashoba. “I thought you said he was an expert.”

She shrugged lopsidedly. “It’s solid advice.” She grabbed him by the hand and I watched for a little bit before going back to what I was doing, giving it my full attention.

Seriously, who wants to think of their sister getting nailed?

With that being said, I decided to make a mini Celestia since I had a pretty decent idea of what she’d look like as a four legged cartoon Pony, so I got started with a block of wood and got the rough shape chiseled out before I took a fine rasp and carefully started doing things. I don’t know why I like woodworking or why I don’t completely suck at it, but the way the wood grain flows just makes sense to me in a certain way and I find it to be very therapeutic. A few hours later, I’d burned up most of my daylight, so I flipped on the magical light in my shop and continued working on Celestia’s mane. Once I had it just right, I held up my masterpiece and resolved to send it to her if I didn’t her sex noises the second I walked inside.

I walked inside. I heard sex noises. It’s my fucking house, so I grabbed my satchel and went to my study to write a note to Celestia before tying it around the pony I’d made. Sadly, it was just a bit too wide to fit through the top, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that the gout of flame claimed it anyway. A few minutes later, Celestia asked what it was and I told her that it was a physical form of one of my hallucinations, but specifically of her as one of them. She thanked me and asked how long it had taken me to make, so I was honest with her and she thanked me again. With that in mind, I went back downstairs and heard no more sex noises, so I just went outside and grabbed the tiny Twilight I’d made.

I sent that one off to the proper recipient and told her that it was the first good one I’d made. Twilight sent me back a note with a lipstick kiss on it, though I wasn’t sure if I’d been aware of Twilight even owning lipstick. She never wore make-up, which had plenty to do with why I considered her to be beautiful beyond all others. Hell, even Applejack used lip gloss, but I’d never known Twilight to use any at all. That made me wonder if I should spend the next day with her, but a note from Fleur told me that I needed to get to Canterlot tomorrow for her party. I told her that I would attend and that I’d see if Twilight still wanted to go.

A few notes and the promise of the best tummy rub yet saw Twilight agreeing to go with me. It was an added plus that she would get the chance to see her parents at the party, but I couldn't really tell her that I wanted something in return for giving her an opportunity to see her parents again. I hoped that she would do something nice for me in any case, but I figured that getting my hopes up wouldn’t be terribly good for either of us, so I chopped them down at the knees and tickled its pickle just enough to bring it to half mast so I could chop that off too. Hope has no place in my realm.

Trixie came by as the Sun was getting real low in the sky for some comfort. She’d had another date with Orchid and things had just gone badly. She’d flubbed her order at Le Smelle and ended up ordering something completely different than what she’d asked for, the waiter had spilled wine on her and it seemed like it had been on purpose, Orchid was being distant, and Trixie was starting to worry about whether or not she was actually interested or if the fact that I’d been the one to hook them up had something to do with it. I felt kinda bad since I was the one who set them up in the first place, so I just sat there and tried to muddle through Trixie’s words as best I could, though I’m pretty sure I missed a lot of things due to her rapid pacing. It was a little brutal to say the least, but I tried my best to follow along and by the end of it, Trixie was near tears, so I had to address her fears one by one and assuage them before moving onto the Orchid thing. I told her that Orchid may have been upset with the waiter or something for spilling wine on her, and my main advice was to wait a little bit and to ask her what was wrong if the problems persisted. I figured she should ask sooner rather than later. My sister left with her head held a little higher and said that Blue had given her similar advice. Great minds think alike and all that.

With nothing else to do for the day, I started writing more of Midnight Stroll and the Bewildering Broach, but I ended up finishing it. I wasn’t quite ready for it to end, but it seemed like it had taken its natural course, so after that, I went outside, grabbed SoS and got really high before writing out my journals. Things might be a bit wonky here and there, but I figured everything should be okay. For now, get your fucking nose out of my book and go do something. Yes, I’m talking to you, Twilight. If you’re not Twilight, then wait three seconds.

Two.

One.

Knife in the ribs!

How’d that feel, arsehole?

Author's Note

So this chapter was a bit of a bitch. I don't like writing along with the show, but I fucked myself and had mild writer's block, so I ended up doing the thing I didn't want to do. Still, reading through it tells me that it came out as better than bad. That makes me feel like less of a shit head.

I have nothing else to say at the moment. You know the usual shit to do at this point.

As Always, Avoid The Sex Noises.

Stay Cool, Kids.

Chapter Thirty-Seven: Making Mares Mad
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Thirty-Seven: Making Mares Mad

Author's Note

And so our story continues.

I didn't mean for the chase/hiding sequence to as long ass it is, but it was fucking fun to write.
It reminds me of something I'd do, if I was magically inclined and a bit of a child at heart.

As Always, Kick Ass, Take Names.

Stay Cool, Kids.

Chapter Thirty-Seven: Making Mares Mad

After spending my previous day doing effectively fuck all, I decided to do something productive for once and got up early to go see Twilight. I wore her favourite shirt and my favourite jeans just to add to the sucking up I was about to do, though it’s not like I needed to do it for any particular reason. I just woke up at three in the morning again and felt like being nice, so I grabbed a bottle of wine. I tried some to see if I could drink it at all and found that as long as it was weak, I could stomach a few glasses. I didn’t test my limits, but I did grab a couple of bottles and leave a note for Nashoba and Krel, telling them to open a window in the room they’d done unspeakable acts in. I knew it was a bit hypocritical for me to be sickened by them having sex since I’d been the one to suggest it in the first place, but I’m allowed to change my mind, especially when it comes to my furry sister getting nailed.

I put one of my ancient bottles of wine into my satchel and added a pretty weak breakfast wine in there to go along with it. I didn’t know what all Twilight had in her pantry, so I made sure to grab a few things from my own so I could make a half decent breakfast. Suited up and ready to go, I started on my way over to Twilight’s but before I could get out of the door, I heard some pretty disgusting noises coming from further in my house. I didn’t stick around or go back for anything, despite knowing that there were things I left behind.

The walk over was boring, and since I’d gotten up so early, it was a little chilly out. I wasn’t complaining since I’m a cold weather kind of guy anyway, but it was like, four in the morning when I left my house, so that played into my walking speed pretty heavily until I realized that I could snuggle up to Twilight for a few hours until she woke up. That made me pick up the pace so I could get over there before I lost my chance.

I arrived to find the front door locked for once, so I grabbed my gloves from my satchel and started climbing up the tree like I’d done twice before, only to find that the door to the balcony was locked too. I had my picks in my boots, so I knelt down and had the lock open in two minutes flat. Yes, I did time myself. No, I’m not that rusty. Either way, I was allowed entrance into Twilight’s room and that meant that I was sneaky breeki-ing my way over to Twilight’s bed. I discerned which side she was facing and figured that I wanted to be the first thing she saw when she woke up, so I kicked off my boots quietly and slipped into bed. I tried to keep my hands to myself, but all I wanted was to touch her at the moment, so I pressed her fingers against my lips and gave them a good sniff. Someone had been a bit naughty before bed if the strength of the scent was anything, and when I gave her fingers a lick, I was a little more certain.

Carefully, I adjusted myself so I could flick Twilight’s horn with my tongue, and when I popped the tip into my mouth, she let loose a mild sigh, so I tried sucking on it with force that would make a vacuum proud. She fidgeted a bit in her sleep, so I stopped and went back to licking her grape flavoured appendage until she started shuddering. It had taken about thirteen minutes of gentle teasing, but Twilight let out a nice sigh and the smell of grapes in the room strengthened. I waited a little bit to see if she would wake up, but when she didn’t, I made a point of it to get her whole horn in my mouth and go full vacuum again. I had her cumming again within moments and when she discharged her throat numbing magic, I waited a little longer to see if she would wake up. She didn’t, so I wiped her horn off and decided to take a turn under the covers.

I realized that she was only wearing a nightgown when I got under there, so getting her soaked knickers off was pretty easy, and when I began stroking her folds, her legs started to open for me. From there, the obvious thing happened and I did my best to stop her from ruining her bed any further by catching her nectar as it came. When she was finished with her orgasm, Twilight whisked the blanket from over my head and I looked up at her.

“Hullo cherry.” I said brightly.

“Amour~” She sighed.

“It’s a good morning already, yeah?”

“It sure is. You’re sleeping in the wet spot.”

“Can’t you just magic it dry?”

Twilight went silent for a moment and I saw her horn glow, though it didn’t cast any light. After that, Twilight patted the spot next to her and I crawled up beside her. She nestled her head into my chest and didn’t say anything else, so I assumed that she was going back to sleep. I stroked the soft fuzzy fur on her arm while she drifted off until Twilight’s magic grabbed my hand and put it on her hip. I let my hand stay there and so did she, which was nice.

“I prefer it there.” Twilight whispered.

“As long as it’s on you, I’m happy.” I replied softly.

Twilight smiled and carefully avoided stabbing me in the chin with her horn so she could get a kiss. “You can go a little further back if you want. I don’t mind.”

I gave her bottom a squeeze and she giggled, but I put my hand back where it was. “I like it here. I can fondle you later, if you want.”

“I might take you up on that. For now,” Twilight moved my hand back to her rear. “Leave it there. No squeezing.”

I rolled my eyes, but it was pretty nonvisible. “That’s fine by me.”

My lover drifted off soon enough and I was left to gaze upon her beauty in the darkness. I wasn’t complaining. Twilight only slept for another hour or so before I felt her hand creep towards my thigh. She stroked it for a moment before her horn lit up and teleported my trousers off of me. I was glad that I’d chosen to wear nice boxers since she placed her hand on my bottom. I didn’t think my arse was all that nice, but I was glad that she liked it, if the squeeze she gave me was anything to go by. Twilight may have woken up, but we weren’t doing anything for the time being, leaving me with a handful of booty and nothing to do with it.

We stayed in bed for awhile until Spike knocked on the door. Twilight rolled the covers down a bit and sat up, so I followed suit as she told him to come in.

“Hey Twilight. I was just wondering if you were coming down for breakfast.” Spike said.

“I’ll be down in a moment. I have to spank Max for breaking into our house again.” She replied.

I wrapped an arm around her waist. “You wouldn’t whack little ol’ me just for trying to give you some pre-dawn affection, would you? After all, you’ve broken into my house while I was sleeping multiple times.”

“I’m pretty sure I locked the balcony door.” She replied drily.

“You did, I watched you do it.” Spike added.

I stuck my tongue out at him. “I thought you were supposed to be the coolest little brother!”

He shrugged. “I don’t have to live with you.”

“Would you like to?” Twilight asked out of the blue.

“Well, it’d be cool to have a bigger room and a nicer kitchen I guess.” Spike said, tapping a claw against his chin.

Twilight nodded. “I’ll keep that in mind. Now, if both of you could step out so I can change, that would be nice.”

I huffed and rolled out of bed before putting my trousers and boots back on. “We’ve both seen you wearing less. Your situational modesty is ridiculous sometimes.”

Twilight threw a pillow at me on my way out, so I stuck my tongue out at her too and joined Spike in heading downstairs. I asked how his stuff with Apple Bloom and Scootaloo was going and he told me that it was going pretty well. He had a date with Scootaloo later in the afternoon and he’d been saving up to take Apple Bloom to Sugarcube Corner for milkshakes. It was pretty mature of him to split his time up like that, so I told him that he could come to me if he needed money for more dates. He told me that he’d rather earn it himself and that earned him another point of my respect.

Speaking of Spike in general, he made some omelettes for breakfast that were pretty damn good when Twilight finally decided to join us. She’d actually worn some form-fitting tights and a loose shirt over them that I was extremely fond of, so I let her know that it was one of my new favorite outfits of hers, though that was mostly because I caught a glimpse of her arse every now and again. I called them tights once and she corrected me, calling them leggings, so I quietly pointed out that they made her posterior look fantastic, eliciting a blush from her. I was a little sad that it wasn’t going to matter what she wore since we had to get dressed up for Fleur’s party anyway, but I liked it nonetheless.

Twilight and Spike were reorganizing the library, so I made myself scarce after breakfast and decided to go visit Applejack since I wasn’t doing shit. I really did miss hanging out with her and usually didn’t get much time to do it, so I decided that I was going to remedy that by doing what I just said I was going to do. I grabbed a few snacks on the way over since Spike never cooks enough for me to sate my appetite and stopped by Blossoms and Blooms to grab a bite to eat once I’d finished munching on the fruit I’d inhaled. I got some spinach alfredo that was simply ridiculous and headed off to Applejack’s once I was finished up with my business.

Granny Smith was sitting outside when I came down the well worn path, so I had a seat next to her and we shot the breeze for a little bit until Applejack and Macintosh came in from the orchards. Macintosh wanted to talk to me first, so he did.

“I need to talk to ya ‘bout Spike.” He grunted.

I looked at the ladies present. “It wouldn’t happen to be because of that kiss he and Apple Bloom shared, would it?”

Applejack gasped mockingly. “What? Big Mac would never be that over protective!”

Granny cackled. “It was just a kiss, sonny! Besides, Spike’s a good colt; he knows where to keep his hands and where to put his lips.”

Macintosh grunted again. “I don’t like him kissin’ Apple Bloom. Not yet.”

“Does that mean I can’t kiss Applejack anymore? Because I’m pretty sure Spike’s known Apple Bloom longer than I’ve known anybody on this planet.”

“That ain’t it.” Macintosh looked away.

“So what is it?” Applejack asked. “We know ya don’t like it, but that don’t mean ya gotta be such a mule about it.”

He sent a glare her way. “Their little puppy love ain’t nothin’ to worry about. I just don’t think Spike and Apple Bloom are gonna be happy down the line.”

“I can’t have kids and I’m perfectly fine. Spike might want them at some point, but I’m sure they’ll see adoption as a viable option.” I said, guessing at Macintosh’s worries.

He gave me an incredulous look. “How’d you know that was on my mind?”

I deadpanned. “I’m really good at guessing.”

“Seriously?” He asked.

Applejack scoffed. “He deals with mares twenty-four seven. He kinda has to be if he wants to pull off that whole ‘asinine but loveable’ thing.”

I nodded. “Knowing what’s on your woman’s mind is a skill that takes practice. Get too good at it and they feel like they can’t hide anything from you, and that tends to scare ‘em off. You know how females can be.”

Applejack glared at me. “That ain’t true and you know it.”

Granny Smith chuckled. “I ain’t seen it happen, but you know full well Max is wise beyond his years.”

Macintosh nodded. “Eeyup.”

Applejack looked between her family members. “Y’all just like takin’ his side, don’tcha?”

“Eeyup.” The three of us chorused.

“It doesn’t hurt that I’m right so often.” I added.

Applejack rolled her eyes. “What are you even here for? I’m sure you’re not just tryin’ to take shots at every mare in Equestria.”

“I actually came to hang out with you for a little bit, maybe see if we could make Macintosh any redder by shoving an apple in each entrance.” I said cheekily.

Macintosh stood up straight. “That’s an exit only zone.”

“Not when I get done with ya big boy!” I winked at him and he took a step back.

His sister stepped toward him. “You know, I think he likes the idea more than he’s admittin’. Maybe we really should give it a shot.”

Granny Smith rose from her rocker. “Just two apples, right? No need to try a third yet.”

Macintosh got lost real quick and I had a chuckle with Granny and AJ. “So what do you want to do, Applejack? I’m game for just about anything.”

“Ya wanna buck a tree?” She asked.

“...Do you seriously do that for fun?”

She raised a brow. “No, I do that because I gotta stay in shape. Come on, I’ll show ya a good tree to start with in the west side.”

I glanced at Granny Smith. “Is she serious?”

“Didn’t you just say you always know what’s on a mare’s mind?” Granny asked.

“I know she’s serious, but I’m asking you to emphasize how ridiculous her suggestion sounds.”

Applejack rolled her eyes and grabbed my arm. Come on, city colt. I’ll show you how the Apple Family bucks!”

“You’ve already shown me multiple times!” I objected.

Applejack lit up and Granny cackled. “You set yourself up for that one, sugarcube!”

“Both of you just hush! If ya don’t wanna buck a tree, then what do you wanna do?” She challenged.

“I was thinking we could walk and talk, just like old times.”

The orange one raised a brow. “Seriously? We’ve seen everything in Ponyville a hundred times and I think we’ve talked through just about all of our good stories.”

“I’ve got a new one you might like to hear. You ever hear of something called a Dryad?” I inquired.

“Yeah, but they ain’t real. Even foals know that, Max.” Applejack sighed.

“They are real, you just need to spend a month in the Everfree to be able to see them. Or you need to have their Matron’s blessing, which Twilight has now. She doubted me like you do up until we had to fight that Ursa Major.”

Granny paled. “You’re tellin’ me I really did hear those roars?”

Applejack glared at me. “Now don’t you go fillin’ Granny’s head with nonsense! She was just hearin’ things!”

“Applejack, I told ya I heard somethin’ comin’ from the Everfree! I told ya!” Granny pointed a bony finger at her.

“I won’t take the side of someone who’s wrong, firefly.” I said soothingly. “Granny Smith most likely heard that massive fucking star-bear.”

Applejack gave me a look. “If it was that close, then how come the entire town didn’t panic?”

“It was six hours into the fucking Everfree! We both know Granny Smith is a little on the insane side,” The old woman shrugged, “but so is Pinkie and if I know anything about insanity in Equestria, it’s fucking magical as shit. How many times has Granny Smith warned you against something that’s come true?”

Applejack folded her arms. “Look, even if I did believe in tree spirits, which I don’t, I don’t believe you could take down an Ursa Major! Twilight had to rock an Ursa minor to sleep because we couldn’t do nothin’ against it!”

“We didn’t kill the damned thing, we just soothed it with some overpowered magic. You’d know if I was lying to you, Applejack. You really should think better of me.” I sniffed.

She glared at me some more before Granny Smith laid a hand on her arm. “Don’t get so caught up in your beliefs that ya ain’t willin’ to listen to a friend, sugarcube. It won’t do ya no good.”

“Why do ya always gotta take his side, Granny?” Applejack asked quietly.

“I don’t. We bicker back and forth when he comes to visit and you’re not here. It’s just that when it comes to you, he’s usually just pokin’ fun at ya, and you never give me a chance to be on your side ‘cause you don’t reply.” Granny said simply. That and I'm funny as fuck.

“...Oh.”

“Yup. So do you want to hear the rest of the story or not? It ends in some super hot, definitely worthy lesbian sex.” I wiggled my brows at her.

“Max! You’re sayin’ this kinda stuff in front of my grandma now!?” Applejack spread her hands.

“Oh, that don’t even cover the time he told me about lickin’ your-”

“Granny!” Applejack cried, beet red.

“Tongue. Where’d ya think I was goin’ with that, Applejack? Somepony has a guilty conscience.” She grinned deviously.

“Y’all are gonna put me in the grave twenty years early, I swear.” Applejack sighed.

“I could put it in your rear in twenty minutes if that makes you feel any better.” I offered.

Applejack’s entire face and a good portion of her neck mimicked Macintosh as Granny Smith laughed her way into the house. The cowgirl watched her go and turned to me when she was gone.

“I’m gonna throttle ya. You got a ten second head start.”

I gave her a look. “Now that’s just-”

“Nine.”

“Applejack-”

“Eight.”

I fucking booked it. I knew that I’d be screwed on open ground and I wasn’t sure how adept Applejack was at climbing trees, so I headed toward town since it was closer than my house and seven seconds later, I peeked over my shoulder to see Applejack gaining ground on me rather quickly. That just seemed like a bucket full of fuck it, so I tried running on my toes since I remembered hearing some bullshit about it on the internet from some crossfit-fags, but that didn’t give me the speed boost necessary to get out of Applejack’s way and into the clear. I glanced over my shoulder every few seconds to find that our gap was closing faster and faster every time I turned, but we weren’t even off of the property yet.

I stopped dead in my tracks and stuttered to a stop while Applejack kept coming at me. When she got within about ten meters of me, or thirty feet for you Imperial System fucks, I wrapped my tentacle around her and lifted her off of the ground.

“Hey! Magic is cheatin’ you lousy, no-good, embarrassin’ stallion!” Applejack yelled.

I took a moment to catch my breath and walked up to her, though I stayed out of arm’s reach. “Trust me, your Pony physiology is just as cheaty as using magic. Fluttershy is faster than me when she’s serious, and that’s just not fair.”

Applejack flailed about for awhile longer. “I swear to Celestia, if ya don’t put me down I’m gonna pummel ya till you’re black and blue!”

I pretended to think about that. “So what happens if I put you down?”

“I only throttle ya till you’re blue!”

“Neither of those sound like a real option to me. I think we might just have to go and see Twilight for a little bit.”

“What’s she got to do with this!?” Applejack asked indignantly.

“Nothing, I just know I can climb her house and that you can’t.” I grinned evilly and started walking back toward Ponyville with Applejack in front of me.”

“I might not getcha today or even this week, but I’ll getcha!” She warned.

“If I offered to give you some good dick, would you let it go?”

“You can shove your ‘good dick’ up your rear!”

“I could. It’s long enough to do that.” I smiled.

“I swear, Max, I’m gonna have Twilight teleport me right next to ya and I’m gonna punch you more times than you can count!”

“Alright, so I’m looking at three punches at the very least.” I said flippantly.

“Ooh! There ain’t no words for what I’m gonna hit ya with!”

“Smack me around with those things on your chest and we’ll both be happier for it. I swear, if you turn around too quickly, you could knock someone out.”

We got a few strange looks as we came into town, but Applejack just covered her chest. “They ain’t that big!”

“Are you sure? Let me feel ‘em so I can double check.”

I felt someone tap my shoulder and I gestured for them to come around in front of me. It turned out to be Orchid of all people. “Hey Max, I’m sure this is a bad time, but I need to talk to you about something.”

“How good are you at climbing trees?” I asked.

“Uh… Ponies don’t climb trees.” She answered unsteadily.

“This one’s gonna get good at it just so she can whoop you!” Applejack growled.

“...Maybe we can talk later?” Orchid suggested.

“Don’t let meaniehead over here scare you. She’s full of hot air and apple juice. What do you want to talk about, love?”

“It’s about Trixie…” She trailed off.

I sighed. “Of course it is. Applejack, if I let you down, are you still gonna be violent?”

“Darn straight!”

I nudged Orchid. “Looks like you’re joining me in the tree unless you want to talk now.”

“I think I’d rather look you in the eyes while we talk. I don’t think you can look away from Applejack right now.” Orchid said softly.

“I really can’t. At least it’s not a far walk.”

And it really wasn’t. Applejack kept struggling against me on the way to Twilight’s, so when we got there, I put her on the balcony and she tried Twilight’s door, letting herself in so she could come out before I could get too high. Sadly for Applejack, I’m fucking good at what I do, and by the time she got outside, I was already out of reach from the ground and Orchid was levitating beside me, so there wasn’t much she could do besides ask Twilight to teleport her to my location. I didn’t think that was going to happen, so I climbed to the top of the tree and set Orchid down on one of the branches so we could have a moment in the privacy of some dense foliage.

“Alright love, so what about Trixie?” I asked once we’d gotten settled.

“Well, it’s just that…” Orchid trailed off.

“It’s just that what?”

“I feel like Trixie wants to be with me, and I want to be with her, but I’m looking for a more ‘ph-physical’ relationship right now, and I don’t know how to talk to her about it.” She blushed furiously.

“I’m sure you could try talking to her about it. It’s not like Trixie’s particularly prudish or anything.”

“I know, it’s just… Every time I bring it up to her, she started getting really awkward and stutters a lot.”

“How do you bring it up?” I asked.

“Well... I usually ask if she wants to come over for a cup of coffee-”

“Trixie doesn’t have much experience in the dating scene. It’s likely that she doesn’t understand what that means, and she’s not terribly fond in the first place. She probably gets flustered because she doesn’t want to turn you down. My best guess is that you should try talking to her about taking your relationship to the next step since you two seem to be getting along fine anyways.”

Orchid gave me a small smile. “My friends say we get along too well.”

“Do you talk about her all the time? Dote on the small things? Try to shower her with as much affection as you think she’s comfortable with?”

Orchid blushed hard. “W-Well…”

“She does the same thing. I’d say you two are pretty good together, if this infatuation is anything to go by.”

She smiled again. “You know, for a stallion as notorious for upsetting mares as you, you sure do have a way of making them feel better.”

“All of my friends are female. I need to be good at defusing situations because I’m so annoying. It’s cause and effect, love.”

“Well, I think it’s causing me to like you a little more and the effect is that I want you to come to a little get-together I’m holding in a couple days.” Orchid gave me a pleasant smile.

“I’ll be there, just remind me the day before or I’ll forget. Nothing big ever comes up on my itinerary anyways, so it should be clear.”

“If nothing big ever comes up, why would you forget?”

“Because I’m forgetful. I forget things. I thought that was obvious.” I gave her a look.

Orchid seemed a little embarrassed. “M-Maybe I should have put more that into that.”

“Maybe you should have put more thought into your outfit!” I chided. Orchid looked hurt immediately, so I carried on. “Have you even looked at yourself in the mirror? You should be ashamed of yourself, walking around in public looking that fucking adorable! What if someone were to look at you twice and think ‘oh, that mare has great taste’ or what if Trixie saw you? Did you ever think of that!?”

“W-Wait, what?”

“I can only imagine how she’d feel! I bet she’d be furious that you’re this damn cute, but you didn’t share with her now did you? How selfish; keeping yourself to yourself! I’m really disappointed in you right now, Orchid!” I huffed.

She was completely bewildered. “I-I-I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry?”

I crossed my arms and sniffed. “You should be thanking me. I just gave you a compliment. Why do you have to be so difficult all the time?”

“I’m so confused.”

“That’s why I did it. That was the point. Put more thought into things, Orchid.”

She shook her head. “I’m sorry, but are you chastising me or complimenting me?”

“Yes.”

Orchid sighed. “Is this your notorious side coming out?”

“No, this is the whimsical side. I’m like a coin that's more like a dodecahedron. I have many sides.”

“That doesn’t make any sense!” Her shoulders slumped.

“Well, while you’re sorting that out, I’m going to go find another woman to torment. You know, this is actually pretty fun!”

“Wait! I can’t get down from here by myself!” Orchid cried.

“You should have thought of that before you joined me in a tree. You said it yourself: Ponies don’t climb trees.”

“You wouldn’t really leave me up here, would you?” She asked, terrified.

“No, but I would make you think I would.” I gave her a shit eating grin

“How do you go from being the sweetest, wise, considerate stallion to tormenting innocent mares!?”

“I get tired of being sweet, wise, and considerate. If I’m too nice, people start praising me and I just don’t like that very much.” I made a distasteful face.

Orchid sighed. “...Please be nice for my party.”

“What are you talking about? I’m always nice.”

“You really aren’t.” Orchid crossed her arms and gave me a womanly look.

“That’s the spirit! Come on, let’s get out of this tree before Applejack finds a way to climb it in cowboy boots.”

I wrapped my tentacle around Orchids waste and peered over the side of the tree. The way down was nice and clear, so I set her down on the balcony before climbing down myself. I put her on the ground and went to follow her when I saw Applejack walk out of the Treebrary, following Orchid to wherever she was going. I shrugged and waited for Applejack to get out of view before climbing down the rest of the way and letting myself into Twilight’s house. She and Spike were putting books back into their rightful places when I knocked on one of the walls.

“So how mad was Applejack really?” I asked to no one in particular.

Twilight put a few more books back into their place before giving me a very womanly look. I’d earned quite a few of them so far. “Max, what did I, Noir, Celestia, and Rarity tell you about enraging mares?”

I shrugged. “I dunno, do it until they ask you to cum inside?”

She rolled her eyes until she realized what I meant. “Seriously Max?”

I grinned. “Is that my new pet name? Serious Max? What about Ugly Twilight. If we’re going with the exact opposite of what we are, then that one suits you.”

She crossed her arms. “All I heard was ‘Ugly Twilight’.”

“I know you did, but what did I?” I bounced my brows up and down.

“Dude, stop digging the hole!” Spike stage whispered.

“Oh no, let him dig himself as deep as he wants.” Twilight told him.

“If it gets me deeper into your mind, I’ll happily keep digging. Hey baby, did you use an endowment spell on yourself? Because you look well.” I winked at her.

“That barely makes sense.” Twilight said curtly.

I heard the library door open behind me and my first instinct was to hide, so I hopped behind a chair and peeked around it. Applejack and Orchid were walking toward Twilight, though no one was saying anything.

“Alright, so Orchid said he was still in the tree. Do ya think he’s comin’ down anytime soon?” Applejack asked.

“Ask him yourself. He’s hiding behind that chair.” Twilight, you fucking traitor!

I drew up a quick plan and the Warbling Blade was in my hand in less than a second. I used the stiletto form to make a quick series of scores before my cover was yanked away from me. I was now staring at Applejack’s crotch, so I looked up slowly and she gave me a grim grin.

“Fancy seeing you here, firefly. You know, I was just about to-”

Applejack reached forward and I met her hand with my own, forcing the Dark Magic to be released in her direction. It bowled her and Orchid over and loosed a few books from the library’s shelves, but I didn't stop for anything other than my one liner.

“Sorry! Gotta catch a breath of fresh air!” I darted out of the room and started towards Sugarcube Corner since it was my next closest asylum.

I checked over my shoulder just before I came to the door and nearly knocked some kid down in my haste. I gave him a quick apology and vaulted over the display case holding various snacks and whatnot until I realized that Pinkie, and the Cakes were looking at me. I probably could have smoothed out my landing, but at least it was more amusing for me to be on the floor.

“Lovely day for a snack, yeah?” I said a little breathlessly.

Pinkie beamed and waved. I returned her smile and waved back since I felt like being nice for the moment. Mr. Cake shrugged and walked off, though Mrs. Cake was less pleased with me. “Baron, why did you just run into my shop like somepony is after you?”

“I’ll give you and Pinkie fifty bits apiece to not sell me out. I’m having a lot of fun.” I offered.

Mrs. Cake raised a brow. “Show me the money, honey.”

I pulled out two fifty bit coins and passed one to her. “Do we have a deal?”

“That depends on who comes after you. You did just break two rules in my shop, and you have a history of starting trouble here.” She said, giving me the look your mother gives you when you keep doing stupid things.

“Alright, so if the bribe fails, can I still have fifty bits worth of baked goods?” I asked.

“Sorry, no trades.” She stepped over me and went into the back of the shop.

I turned to Pinkie. “You wanna help me have some fun with Applejack and a stranger?”

She beamed. “They’re coming down the street right now! You’d better do a good job of convincing me to not sell you out!”

“I’ll do you a sexual favour in the form of the wireless vibrator.” I offered.

“Deal!” Pinkie came over and prepared to shake my hand when the doors flew open. She jerked away and stood at the register, so I tried to crawl into the kitchen.

“Hey Applejack! Max was just here looking for you!” She said cheerfully.

“He’s here, ain’t he.” Applejack deadpanned.

“I dunno, what’s that information worth to you~?” Pinkie asked.

“I’ll give you some of the family reserve.” Applejack bargained.

“He’s in the kitchen!” Pinkie said happily.

I crawled away from the kitchen while Applejack and Orchid made their way over. Once I was kneeling behind Pinkie, I held up the fifty bit coin I’d offered her in the first place and she dropped it into a pocket before shooing me out the door. I figured I was running out of options rather quickly, so I took a couple alleys and showed up right behind the Carousel Boutique. I let myself in through the unused back door and saw a few of Rarity’s failed creations in her closet of shame, but that wasn’t were I wanted to stop quite yet.

I managed to find the door through racks upon racks of clothes, but it had an old fashioned keyhole that I wasn’t sure I could pick. I peered through it and actually tried listening for anything, figuring that I would be safe until it was dark out, but all I could see was Rarity at her sewing machine, doing her usual thing. I tried knocking on the door softly a couple of times and she stopped her work to look around. When her hands were clear of the needle, I knocked a little harder and she looked in my direction before walking over, but as she did, I heard the chimes of the front door ring faintly. That was enough to convince me that I should probably hide, so I meandered through the racks, picking one that nice and low to the ground to get behind. I tried moving some of the racks around quietly, but when I heard the door to the main shop open, I decided that it was time for some tricky dicky type stuff.

“Max? Are you in here?” Rarity asked.

I could hear multiple people breathing just outside the door, so I wasn’t about to fucking answer. I did, however, get over to the other wall by feeling my way there and open the door to the alley.

“Twilight! You cut him off! I’ll look through this stuff and see if I can’t find him!” Applejack announced.

Rarity flicked on a light and I took my brief opportunity to get back to my preferred hiding place and lay down, hoping that I wouldn’t be caught as soon as I though I would be. I heard Applejack shove her way through the racks and Twilight came in through the back door.

“Alright, so he either ran away out of town or he’s still in here somewhere.” Twilight said. Thank you for not using the Pathfinder enchantment.

Applejack continued looking through the racks and I saw her looking a little lower every time, so I made a ballsy move and blindly rustled some racks on the other side of the room with some telekinesis. Everyone leaped at the distraction and I crept my way under the racks until I realized that Rarity was watching the door since I could see shoes that were awfully stylish. I’d fucked myself real good until I realized that if I really wanted to get out of there, I still had one more trick up my sleeve. I drew the Warbling Blade while the girls scrambled back to where Applejack had gotten close to me, and once I had it out, I trickled some Dark Magic into my blade and tried to use the Dark Aura to ward them away from me. I was enjoying myself a lot, but that didn’t mean I wanted to get hurt for having fun.

“He’s gotta be in here somewhere!” Applejack yelled.

“He is in here, I just don’t know where. Seriously Max, if you come out now and don’t make us look anymore, you’ll get off easy!” Twilight called out. Fat chance, cherry.

I added a little more power to the Dark Aura, but I felt like I could add a little twist to it. I tried picturing the word ‘Doubt’ in my mind, trying to imagine the world slipping into the Warbling Blade itself. I stayed quiet and silenced my breathing, but as I tried to focus, a rack him me in the head, although I still managed to stay quiet. I moved when I saw someone try to push the rack again, the slight shaking of the clothing giving it away, but I needed to find a new hiding place awfully quickly.

The racks started being pushed against the wall, so I waited for the next one to be pushed and did a little dodge roll, trying not to disturb anything. Apparently they weren't looking all that hard since I was able to do it without getting caught, though I almost cut myself since I still had my knife in my hand. I was rapidly running out of time, so I started pumping more magic into the blade.

“You know girls, I don’t think he’s in here. I’m sure we would have found him by now.” Rarity said after a few minutes.

“You’re forgetting that Max used to be a thief, Rarity. If he doesn’t want to be caught-”

“We ain’t gonna find him.” Applejack finished.

“Maybe we’re just looking in the wrong places? I would try to hide in the corners.” Orchid suggested. Which is why I didn’t hide there.

“I think our best bet is to lock the doors and root him out. That’s what we do when we have critters in the barn.” Applejack said.

Okay, so the Dark Aura wasn’t working against them for some reason. When they locked the doors, I wouldn’t have that long to pick one of the locks and get out, but luckily, the doors were being blocked by racks, so all I needed to do was maneuver around them and plan carefully. There wasn’t a chance in hell that I would get away from Twilight, but I didn’t know why she hadn't just teleported me to her side in the first place if she was going to use the Pathfinder to follow me-

Hold up.

I took my necklace off and tried using my Aura again, this time keeping to my plan of just making them uncomfortable enough to doubt that I was in the room.

“Girls! I don’t want to say it, but I think Max left!” Twilight said nervously.

“What makes ya say that, Twi?” Applejack asked.

“I just can’t sense him in here. I think he might have learned to teleport or something!”

“Wait, does Max have magic?” Orchid asked.

“Kinda. It’s a long story, but you don’t have to be a Unicorn to have magic.” Twilight explained.

“Yes, yes, I’m sure we can explain all of this outside of this horrid room. I’ve spent far too much time in here already.” Rarity complained. “If this place wasn’t full of failures, I’d happily look until we really did find Max, but…”

“We understand Rares. Come on, girls, let’s go grab a bite or somethin’.” Applejack sighed dejectedly and I grinned a mile wide.

I heard the girls shove some racks out of the way, so I sat up and stretched, sheathing the Warbling Blade and waiting a little while before I made any move to leave the room. I was glad that I waited so long because the girls ended up whisking the door open about eight minutes into my wait from both ends, but luckily, I’d decided to stay hidden for a little while longer. I shoved my necklace into my pocket and crept over to the back door, catching a glimpse of Applejack and Orchid as they wandered off. I looked around for another avenue of escape and went with the rooftops since I was a swag master mother fucker who’d just sorted a situation like the aforementioned adjectives would imply.

The climb was a little difficult, but I managed it just fine, though the shingles on the roof neighboring Rarity’s shop were hotter than fuck. However, with my vantage point, I could see that the girls and Orchid were heading further into town, so I decided to follow them Assassin’s Creed style. I’d never been one for free-running without someone with a sharp object chasing behind me, but I knew enough to not break my fucking neck, so I leaped from rooftop to rooftop, though one of my landings made someone come out of their house to inspect what the shit had just happened.

I kept things nice and light after that, though some of the more slanted roofs didn’t offer me that luxury. A few jarring landings later, I figured that I could probably hop down off of someone’s awning so I did just that and rolled, though it did make my clothes a little dirty. I brushed off the worst of the dirt and went back to Twilight’s tree so I could talk to Noir for a little bit. I still fit the odd visit to her in before bed, but I just felt like I was neglecting her and that made me feel terrible, so I resolved to get some time in with her once I had myself hidden from the sun in the branches of Twilight’s tree.

I lightly jogged across town because I still wasn’t trying to be caught and got up the Treebrary as fast as I could, though I settled for bending a few of the younger branches around so I could get some proper shade instead of taking the risk of being spotted from the ground. I assumed the position on a high branch and took the customary three breaths before I opened my eyes to see Noir just sitting on the floor of my old flat. She wasn’t doing anything; just sitting.

“Hullo, Noir. It’s been a few days.” I said softly.

“I know. I sped up time here so I would not have to wait for you as long.” Noir gave me a sad smile.

I walked over and sat next to her. “I can’t imagine I’ve been a terribly good friend to you in the past couple of days.”

“Max, you are the best friend I have had since I was a child. You cannot make time for me every day and I understand that better than anyone-”

“Regardless, you’ve done too much for me. I shouldn’t have let myself slip so badly. I’ll make it a point to visit you after I wind my watch every night.” I said firmly.

“...Thank you. I know I said that I cannot become depressed, but becoming lonely is just as bad in some ways.”

I wrapped an arm around her and she shrunk a bit so I could put my arm over her shoulder. “I understand. You know, for some odd reason, I’m just glad that you’re not telling me off for messing with women all day.”

“You were having fun in your own way, so I cannot blame you. If Applejack was less modest about some things, life would not have escalated to this point.”

“Still, I probably shouldn’t have prodded her until she felt the need to hurt me, though I’ll admit that the thrill of being chased while not being in life threatening danger is fun. It’s a lot like playing tag, but with a punishment at the end.”

“Twilight would not let Applejack hurt you with more than a few punches to the arm, and Applejack only plans on leaving a bruise. As mad as she pretends to be, she is not feeling terribly vengeful.”

“I figured as much. I still don’t want to get hit.” I said stubbornly.

“Then let’s move on to a different subject. You laid Uror.” Noir stated.

I beamed. “I sure did, though I’d like to point out that Twilight is just as guilty as I am.”

“She could have broken that kiss at any time, but I suppose that being ‘snogged’ by a Matron is rather interesting. When I laid with Uror-”

“Wait, you got with her too!?” I held up a hand for a high-five.

Noir fist-bumped it. “Yes. As I was saying, when I laid her, she was quite pleasant. Her mind melding techniques link pleasure and make orgasms far more interesting.”

“You’re right on that. I felt like I was getting something from every orgasm being had at the moment, and it was nice to get off at the same time as they did.”

“It is a very pleasant experience, but what really worries me is that Discord is active again. Celestia and Luna do not stand a chance against him, Sombra did not, and neither did my sister and myself. Things are looking very grim for the fate of the world if Discord is planning what the Matron says he is.”

“So what even is Discord? He doesn’t sound like a Pony and I’ve never heard anyone mention his species before.”

“He is something known as a Draconequus; a terrible combination of a few creatures. I would tell you more, but I truly do not wish to speak of him.”

“The guy seems like a real piece of shit if you ask me. I don’t see why he’s got to stir the pot when it just needs to simmer a while longer.”

Noir looked at me. “You think the world would collapse on its own?”

“I do. Celestia’s way might be the best way, but one way or another, I think a resistance is going to form right underneath her nose, if there isn’t already one. Hell, I know you remember how fucked the situation with Crimson was.”

“I do, and that was only one man. You know he is most likely alive, correct?”

“...If he is, then he knows I betrayed him.” I said softly.

Noir reached over and grabbed my hand. “He would at least respect the fact that you could not bring yourself to kill him over something so trivial as a difference of ideals. I hate that you had to make that decision in the first place, but you are in a tough bind with your position.”

“You’re telling me.” I snorted. “Celestia’s got my nuts in a vice, Luna’s got a knife at my throat, and I can’t get away from either of them. If I leave the country, Twilight has to choose to stay with me or her family, and that’s not even mentioning that I’m bound by oaths to serve Equestria, if not Celestia and Luna. Technically-”

“The Elements of Harmony are your bosses.” Noir said.

“Fuck that noise.”

“Indeed. Give those audible vibrations in the air a proper dicking.” She said solemnly.

“Dick it in the butt and swirl it around in the poo poo.” I grunted.

Noir kissed my cheek. “I see your whimsy still hasn’t faded.”

I kissed hers in turn. “I see you’re anxious to get up and do something. Is there anything you had in mind?”

“I want to train you with a proper sword, if that’s fine by you. Your abilities with your current weapons are above average, but to avoid getting you killed, you must actually train.” Noir advised.

I groaned and got to me feet, offering her a hand up. Noir grew back to her original giantess size and we were suddenly standing in a field, and thus we started our training, which absolutely sucked ballocks. Noir basically just whacked me around for hours on end, but she wouldn’t let me tire or quit because I was sore from the punishment she gave me. Well, it’s not like I asked her to stop at any particular point in time since I actually did want to be decent with a sword. As it turned out, I was half decent with one, though my form was pretty garbage. There was a lot of wasted energy in my strokes, and I didn’t get the most of of my swings when I swung anyway. I did, however, have a good grip, decent footwork, and tenacity. We agreed that your normal longsword just wasn’t my thing and that I needed something lighter since I was more of a light weapons specialist anyway, so we started training with a shortsword and a shield.

My shield ended up being a buckler like the one I’d had in the Everfree, though Noir assured me that Luna was better with the weapons that I was training on that I’d probably ever be. I didn’t take offense to that since she’s like, four thousand years old, and has had three thousand years to perfect her art. Hell, the only reason I ever beat her in that one fight was because she was rustier than a classic car that hasn’t been taken care of, and even then, once she knocked the rust off, she was ready to knock my block off.

Still, once I was decent enough with the sword and shield combo, Noir had me switch hands and learn to do it the other way around too. It wasn’t all that bad, but it was still tricky to try and keep up with some of her harder constructs. I also learned that throwing your shield is a quick way to get you shit wrecked, even if you do manage to land the blow. I guess we can’t all be Steve Rogers.

Noir ended up keeping me around for fourteen hours in the mindscape, but with the way she slowed the time down, she assured me that only fourteen minutes had passed in the ‘real world’. I found that to be fucking incredible and asked her if she could teach me something other than combat for a little bit. She asked what I had in mind and I told her that I wanted to learn how to do the shadow teleport thing since it would’ve come in handy with my chase sequence. She agreed on the condition that I only use it a few times a day, otherwise, I might get stuck in the Shadow Realm and she’ll have to fish us both out. I agreed to a three per day limit and Noir spent the next eight hours of our time together letting me fall on my arse as I tried to dive through the shadows. We set up two couches on either side of a familiar clearing with a fucking massive tree in it and I tried jumping, squatting, falling, and eventually, we found that kneeling next to a shadow and placing my hand on it was the best way for me to enter the Shadow Realm.

Staying still while falling was actually a little hard to do, but I managed once Noir told me to calm down and trust my own strength. Still, falling face first into darkness was difficult at best, but through the course of three more hours on top of the eight we’d spent just getting the basics down, I found that I could do it pretty consistently. I ended up behind our Yggdrasil a couple times, but for the most part, I rose through the couch and came to my usual position. I also tried Shadow Diving directly behind Noir a few times, and that was fun. I was often rewarded with a hip check when I stood up, or a nice, delectable hug that smelled like blackberries.

Once I had Shadow Diving down, Noir finally released me from the mindscape, though I’d wanted to spend a little more time with her. She told me that I was getting better at Shadow Diving because I was losing my grip on reality, so I conceded and gave her another hug and some puppy dog eyes until she gave me a quick smooch. It occurred to me to ask her about the reason why my Seal was tainted with Dark Magic and she told me that Seals were True Magic and that it came from the soul. Since my soul was bonded with hers, my magic was tainted and it was as simple as that. With my visit over, I closed my eyes and opened them just in time to see Twilight and the girls heading my way. Of course, I rather doubted that they knew I was in the tree, so I held my position and climbed down onto Twilight’s balcony so I could taunt them a little bit. I put my necklace back on and went inside, tiptoeing my way down Twilight’s hall until I was at the top of the stairs.

I heard their voices carrying from up the stairs and they were still theorizing about how I could have escaped from a locked room with two people guarding the doors. Twilight was complaining about having to redo her library again until Rarity pointed out that all she really had to do was put a few books back where they belonged. Twilight huffed stubbornly, but she acquiesced nonetheless since I’m too handsome to stay mad at. Applejack did some bitching about how I didn’t know when to stop playing around and Orchid agreed, saying that she’d been near tears until I called her outfit cute. Then she’d just been confused. I chuckled to myself and crept down the stairs, peeking into the library for a moment to find that Fluttershy had joined them, but just hadn't said anything while they’d been there. She and Orchid were sitting together while Twilight and Rarity occupied a few chair, though Applejack was standing around.

Imma fuck with ‘em.

I tapped on one of the windows in the library a couple of times and garnered the girl’s attention, so I used the tiny gap that I had to quickly sneak behind the chair in the corner that I’d once occupied and tapped another window to make them think that I was outside. I’d had to close my eyes and imagine my eyes working through my tentacle, which was fucking weird at its best, but it worked and I was able to meander my way through the library to get the other one.

“I think he’s just tauntin’ us at this point, girls!” Applejack said frustratedly.

“It would seem like that’s his whole thing.” Twilight sighed.

“M-Maybe he just wants to be chased?” Fluttershy suggested.

“He does seem that foalish at times.” Rarity said drily. “It wouldn’t surprise me one bit to find that he was just distracting us so he could sneak in here either.” Alright you fucking psychic, you’ve spent too much time around me.

“Huh. It does sound like something he’d do. Maybe his necklace is- He's in here somewhere!” Twilight yelled.

I knelt and put my hand on the shadow of the chair, waiting for someone to discover me. Of course it was Twilight, so I gave her a cheeky grin and a wink before fading into the shadows and appearing in my closet. I stood up straight and went downstairs to smoke a bowl for a little while. I was relaxing in my easy chair when I heard a series of furious knocks on my door, so I packed another bowl and lit it before heading over to open it. I already had a feeling that I knew who it was, so I was pretty confidant that I was going to be just fine.

Once I turned the handle and saw my visitors, I said, “Welcome! How’s it going?”

Twilight glared at me. “Since when can you teleport!?”

“Since I beat you at Rarity’s shop. Come on in, girls. And cherry, of course.” I puffed on my pipe and lead the way into my living room.

“You’ve been cheatin’ all day, you vermin!” Applejack said.

“Well, I couldn’t beat you in a foot race if I was twice as fast as I am now, so of course it seems like I’m the one who’s cheating. It’s not fair that you ponies are so much faster than me.” I explained.

Twilight scoffed. “Magic is always cheating when you’re in trouble.”

“What about Earth Pony Magic? Or Pegasi using their wings? Both of them have magic and use them, which is why, despite Rainbow being physically fit as a fiddle and being focused toward cardio, she can’t really beat Applejack in a race. Honestly, Earth Ponies and Pegasi use magic all the time, they just aren’t as overt with it.” I said wryly.

“...Okay, that’s actually true.” Twilight said meekly.

“See? I’m not the only one cheating.” I said smugly.

Applejack huffed and picked a spot with me and the girls following suit. “Doesn’t change the fact that you owe me some licks.”

“Spread your- You know what? Never mind.” I chuckled.

“Now you show some restraint!? You couldn’ta done that in front of Granny!?” Applejack asked in disbelief.

“Take what you can get and don’t throw a fit.” I smiled.

Orchid sighed. “You really are like a naughty colt sometimes. I thought better of you, Max.”

“Oi! That hurts, love.” I rubbed my chest.

Rarity sniffed. “Perhaps a little pain is what you need. Chastising you doesn’t work, and neither does staying away from you. We should just say hurtful things until you get the point.”

“I’ll meet every one of your insults with embarrassing compliments. Don’t think I won’t.” I warned.

“Your mane looks terrible. It’s like you haven’t styled it since the last time you had me cut it.” Rarity said haughtily.

“I love the way you suck my cum off of your lips instead of licking it off.” I replied.

Rarity turned bright red and covered her mouth. “I do not!”

“Wait, how many mares in this room have slept with Max?” Orchid asked.

“All of them besides you, and you’re attractive enough to be added to list if it weren’t for the fact that you’re dating my sister.” I gave her a shit eating grin.

“...You judge mares based on their looks?” Orchid asked, covering herself.

Twilight gave her a look. “He really doesn’t. I'm the mare he’s with, and he could have had Fluttershy, Applejack, or Rarity-”

“Oi.” I said firmly. “Don’t you think for a second you’re less pretty, hot, or sexy than any other woman on the face of this planet.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Right. I understand that I’m not the prettiest-”

“Shut your lying face hole!” I pointed a finger at her and her eyes opened wider. “What did I just tell you? No one’s allowed to insult my cherry, not even you.”

There was silence for a few moments before Applejack spoke. “Twi, have I told you that I like your outfit today? Very cute.”

Twilight stared at me as she answered. “Thank you, Applejack.”

Rarity chimed in. “It really is quite fetching. The addition of socks and stockings to your wardrobe really have bolstered your personal style, though I like the low-fidelity look of the smock and legging combo.”

“I-I thought the blue stockings with that sky blue skirt the other day was pretty great.” Fluttershy added.

Twilight broke eye contact and looked around. Are we just complimenting me so Max doesn’t hurt anypony?”

Orchid coughed a couple times. “I actually wanted to compliment you on your smock. I think the stonewash denim looks really good on you.”

Twilight blushed. “Thank you, Orchid. I think your blouse goes really well with your eyes.”

“Have you seen her shoes? They’re just lovely, aren’t they?” I put my two shillings in.

“...Okay?” Orchid and the girls stared at me.

“What? Am I not allowed to compliment people too?”

“No, you’re not.” Twilight said flatly.

“I love it when you put your hair into a ponytail. It’s sexy and ironic.” I told her.

“Ponytail?” The girls chorused.

“Yeah, when you pull your hair back and tie it off, it’s called a ponytail in my world.” I expounded.

“So you’re calling her a butthead?” Orchid giggled.

“A sexy butthead.” I corrected. “A big, sexy butthead.”

“Did you just call me fat?” Twilight asked incredulously.

“No, I called your head-butt big and sexy. It holds that powerful thinker of yours, so it has to be big.” I stated factually.

Applejack chuckled. “Can I hit him now?”

“Go for it.” Twilight shook her head.

Applejack came over and I stood up so she could get her licks in. She grabbed my right arm and gave me three hard jabs that I was sure would leave a bruise before going back to her seat. “May I just say fucking ow?”

“It was supposed to hurt, amour.” Twilight said.

“You call Max ‘amour’? That’s adorable!” Orchid gushed.

“I call her cherry.” I said, rubbing my arm.

“That’s pretty cute too, but Prench is so romantic!”

“I know, right? I like Max’s pet name for Twilight, but hers for Max is just so endearing!” Rarity said.

Twilight blushed. “Thanks girls.”

I rolled up my sleeves and check to see a bruise quickly forming where Applejack had hit me in the same spot. Shit hurt. “Can we go back to complimenting Twilight? That was pretty nice.”

“You know, it’s not often you hear of somepony asking for ponies to compliment somepony who isn’t themselves.” Rarity pointed out.

“It’s not often someone loves someone as much as I love Twilight. I just like hearing people say nice things about her.” I said.

“Aww!” The females in the room chorused.

“Max, that is so sweet!” Orchid and Rarity said in unison.

“See? That’s what I was telling you girls!” Fluttershy exclaimed.

I groaned. “I spent the past two and a half hours pissing you girls off to ruin my reputation and you’re still calling me sweet? Who does a guy have to infuriate to get his point across?”

“Wait, you lead us on a chase through town just to make us mad?” Orchid asked.

“No, I lead Applejack on a chase through town because it was fun. I just thought that it was worth my time to torment you along the way. Speaking of, I never left Rarity’s little closet place. I just took my necklace off once I figured out that it was how Twilight was tracking me.”

Twilight groaned. “It only works passively when you’re wearing it! I should have known!”

I grinned cheekily. “To add on to that, I was behind that chair for far too long. You girls should have figured out where I was sooner.”

Twilight levitated me over to the loveseat she was sitting on and pressed the spot where Applejack had hit me. “Ow! Knock it off before I stick a finger in your bum!”

“You wouldn’t dare. You wouldn’t get any for a week.” Twilight threatened.

“I know when your cycle starts. You wouldn’t even last two days without me.” I smirked, picking her up with my tentacle so I could steal her seat.

Twilight made me scooch over and sat with me. “I did it just fine for eleven years without you, and I’m sure I could deal with it for two days.” I didn’t miss the blush on her cheeks.

“But could you go the full seven?” I asked.

“You wouldn’t be mean enough to stop me from going to another mare.” Twilight huffed.

“I would if you stopped me from seeing another woman.” I said playfully.

“Can y’all do this some other time?” Applejack groaned.

“I concur. Let’s go back to complimenting Twilight.” Rarity said.

I reached up and tugged on her ponytail. “You know, you should let me play with your hair for a little bit.”

Twilight gave me a look. “...I guess you could do that.”

“Max, darling, you really should let me cut your hair again.” Rarity said.

“Let me fix Twilight’s ponytail so it’s even cuter and we’ll get right to that.” I said, getting up from the loveseat to stand behind Twilight.

“What do you mean? I thought you liked my mane pulled back.” Twilight protested.

“I do, but I’m just going to tweak it a bit.” I pulled her tie out of her hair and fluffed it a bit. “Actually, let me be right back. I have some silk ribbon I meant to give Rarity that would go great with your hair.”

“It’s a mane, Max. You have hair.” Twilight pointed out.

“I’ll tie your tail to your mane if you want to be difficult.”

“Hair it is.” Twilight said quickly.

As I was walking away to head upstairs, I heard Applejack say, “I don’t know who’s in charge most days with you and Max.”

“It’s mostly him, but he just lets me do whatever I want most days.”

“Hey, that’s what I tell people, but it’s the other way around.” I called back.

“Shut up and go get your ribbon!” Twilight yelled back.

“I can hear you whisper from across the house! I’m shouting for your benefit!”

“Can he really?” Orchid asked quietly.

“Yes.” Twilight and I answered. She said it at normal volume: I shouted again.

I went upstairs and found the light blue ribbon and a few other colors that I’d bought from Canterlot in a catalogue one day because I’d felt like it. You never know when it’s going to come in handy, after all. I came back downstairs with a particular knot in mind and went to go stand behind Twilight, but when I did, I noticed that everyone was staring at me.

“...Can I help you?” I asked tentatively.

“I believe you may, Maximus.” Rarity said curtly.

“Orchid said you gave her some advice on how to talk to Trixie.” Twilight explained.

I gathered her hair and left some of the shorter locks on the side. “I thought it was pretty solid advice myself.”

“Oh, don’t think it wasn’t. We’re just wonderin’ why you didn’t just go and have her talk to Trixie right away.” Applejack said.

I shrugged. “I didn’t think it was necessary at the moment. If she wanted to clear things up from the start, she would have done what she thought was right. Far be it from me to push someone to do something they don’t want to.”

“Haven’t you had multiple discussions about intimacy with my brother against his will?” Twilight asked.

I shrugged again. “Sex once a week with no release for the woman in your life is pitiable. I gave him a fighting chance at fulfillment in the bedroom.”

The ladies in the room blushed. “Why does everything you do revolve around sex?” Orchid asked. Because I’m good at it.

“It’s not everything I do, just a lot of it. I do other things.” I replied, mildly offended

Orchid looked around. “This from the stallion that’s had… Quality Time, with most of the mares in this room?”

“I didn’t ask anyone to do anything they didn’t want to.” I responded. “Not everyone is as gay as you, Orchid.”

“Hey! I like both!” She objected.

The girls looked among themselves. “Amour, I think you’re the straightest person in the room, except for when you’re Roxy. Then that would make you the gayest.”

“I’m the straightest and the gayest. Well, somebody told me that you had a boyfriend that looked like a girlfriend that I had in February of last year. It’s not confidential; I’ve got potential.” Completely out of context, but it fits right now.

Twilight sat up straighter and Rarity looked at me. “What’s ‘February’?” Rarity asked.

“They’re song lyrics from my world. Don't worry about it too hard.” I sighed. I tied off my knot and wiggled it a bit. It looked a bit like a necktie, but it was pretty.

Twilight fingered the rogue locks. “Why did you pull my hair back, but not all of it?”

“I think it’s quite fetching.” Rarity said. “It really helps show the shape of your face.”

“I just think it’s cuter. I like it.” Orchid gave her a smile.

“Don’t tell me you just tied it back with a bow, though.” Applejack said.

“Nope, I used a special tie knot. I learned it from otherworldly sources.” Namely Maggie.

“I-It wasn’t from another mare, was it?” Fluttershy asked.

“It was not. It’s a knot.” I grinned at my pun.

Rarity, Fluttershy, and Orchid came over to check my work. “Wow, can you teach me how to do that? I’ve never seen a bow lay flat!” Orchid gave me a smile.

I told that I would and she had a seat next to Twilight, putting her hands over mine so she could feel what I was doing rather than seeing it for herself. After about ten minutes of trying to recreate it, she got it right and showed the other girls how to do it, but Applejack was content with just tying hers at the end like she always did up until Rarity threatened to do her mane like a proper Canterlot nobles.

Once we got our knotty business out of the way, we had some tea and biscuits before I pointed out that Orchid should probably go have that talk with Trixie. She lit up bright red and excused herself to go do what I’d advised her to do and Applejack followed her shortly after. Fluttershy was next to go, so I figured it was a good time to ask Rarity if she’d been invited to Fleur’s party. She said that she had, checking the clock in my living room to see how much time she had before. It was only about four, but I wanted to get to Canterlot a bit early, so I asked Twilight if she minded that we get prepared and head to Canterlot before the shops closed. She gave me an odd look, but agreed to do as I asked as long as she could watch me get dressed.

I made sure to put my suit on as sexily as I could and asked her to come tie my necktie for no other reason than the kiss that was supposed to come after. I ended up having to redo the Canterlot Cross Knot she set, but it was fine. We went to her house shortly after I strapped the Warbling Blade onto myself and got my checkbook slipped into my pocket. I also brought my pipe and a box of a rather strong sativa so I could keep the party going, but that’s not what was important. The important part was that Twilight tried to be sexy while putting her dress on and failed miserably, which was even sexier than her doing it properly. If I didn’t want to get there early, her dress would have been coming off and we would’ve been late.

Twilight teleported us to her parents house for a brief visit, but when we knocked on their door, no one was home. I wasn’t terribly upset since that meant I could drag Twilight along to go get her present. She asked where we were going in such a rush, but I told her to be patient until we got to Smoky’s shop, and once we were inside, we spotted her parents. Night Light was having his pipe repolished and Twilight Velvet looked terribly bored and coughed every once in awhile due to the residual smoke, but Twilight and I were fine since we regularly smoked much stronger herbs. My lover sighed and I asked if she was ready for a surprise and she told me that my pipe was perfectly fine the way it was, but I just grinned at her and waved at Smoky. He pulled a slightly smaller, rather feminine piece from a case under the counter and placed it carefully into a kit.

I wrote out a check for him while Twilight talked to her mother about ‘stallions and their toys’, but Night Light and I had a nice conversation about our favorite blends of herbs. I was partial to mugwort and datura since they had mild hallucinogenic effects while Night Light liked catnip and acacia for their calming effects. I bought a case of my specially ordered datura blend while I was there and paid for Twilight’s new kit and my shit. Once I handed my check over, Night Light and I joined our ladies and I asked Twilight if she still had that corncob pipe. She gave me a confused look and said yes, but she was going to have to clean it soon. Night Light was about to start in on how to properly clean a pipe when I told him that the herbs we used left a resin that was harder to get out than most and opened Twilight case, presenting her present to her.

Twilight jaw dropped at the Purpleheart pipe. I’d asked that it have her Cutie Mark engraved into it, and so it was, but the pipe itself had been worked in a way that made it slimmer and generally more refined than any other pipe I’d seen. The bowl was a little on the large side, flaring out from the slender pipe, but it’s not like it was disproportionate. Whoever had made it had done exactly as I’d asked and gone the extra step on top of it. Twilight picked it up from its case and asked me if it really was hers, so I had to resist the temptation to lie. I gave her an affirmative and offered to buy her the first box of whatever mix she wanted, though the first thing I gave her after giving her the pipe was a box of the sativa I’d brought along, which fit nicely into her carrying case.

Twilight carefully placed the pipe back into its case and gave me a hug, stating that I didn’t need to get her something so expensive. I, of course, returned her hug and told her that I’d wanted her to have something nice, making her look at her ring. I then clarified that I meant something else as nice as the ring and the Twilights both raised a brow at me. I looked at Night Light and he told me that I could always keep digging myself deeper, so I shrugged and started hitting on his wife, digging myself as deep as I could get as quickly as I could get. Twilight just rolled her eyes at me, Velvet blushed, and Night Light told me to stop being better with words than he was, and I asked if they had been invited to Fleur’s party as well. They pointed out that it was Fleur and Fancy throwing the party, but I explained that I’d left Fancy as an implication because I didn’t feel like saying both of their names.

I got some more eye rolls for my linguistic laziness, but my lover and I were invited to her parents house to pass the time. We talked on the way about unimportant things and I told them about meeting the Dryads, though they didn’t believe a word out of my mouth until Twilight vouched for me, stating that they were invisible unless certain conditions were filled. After that, the conversation was filled with questions about them, though Velvet seemed awfully let down that they were less wise and more childish. Night Light didn’t give a shit, but he asked a few random questions to keep things moving once his wife learned that fairy tales were for children for a reason. Children ignore things they don’t like and focus on what they do, after all.

We arrived at the old people’s home and Twilight and I packed our pipes and got to smoking. I was rather bright eyed and bushy tailed while Twilight was in the mood for some cuddling and light conversation, so we took ourselves to the Sun Room. Her parents took the loveseat since they’re evil, so Twilight and I pushed some chairs together so we could hold hands while talking. Apparently Twilight Velvet had recently made a discovery on some Prussian historical poisons and would be travelling there fairly soon to investigate and Night Light was training a new batch of ‘lily-livered, no-good wimps’ at the Castle Guard, so that was fun to hear about. Between him and another Drill Sergeant, they were whipping them into shape, but many of their new recruits were just too soft to do much more than patrol on light duty. I offered to mix in some better verbal abuse, but he declined my offer, stating that he wasn’t trying to break them down emotionally, and that’s when I told him that an effective soldier was one who had been broken down and built back up, just like he had been.

Night Light facepalmed and gave me my due respect for pointing out something he hadn't really thought about. I asked how they had gotten along so far without doing exactly that and Night light admitted that he might have grown a bit soft in his advancing years. I told him that men aged forty to sixty often have the very same problem and he agreed with me wholeheartedly until his wife suddenly burst out laughing. She didn’t give up the joke, but she did try and shoot me a glare that failed miserably since she was still laughing. Night Light and Twilight just looked at us before asking what we were laughing about, but neither of us wanted to get in trouble, so we said that it was just an in-the-know kind of joke and left it at that. Twilight tried badgering me about it for a little bit and Night Light tried bargaining by whispering something into Velvet’s ear, but that just made her laugh harder, leaving him with a confused look on his face. Twilight asked what was going on and I told her that it was soft loving.

Velvet died all over again and I couldn’t wipe the goofy grin off of my face, but Twilight and her dad were still lost as to what we found so amusing. I told them both that I’d tell them when they were older, but they pointed out that I was the youngest person in the room. Velvet got ahold of herself by the time we’d gone through that bit and asked if I wanted pancakes, which made me burst out laughing. When I managed to calm down, I asked if she’d give me extra whipped cream on them again and she hid a smile behind her hand while her daughter and husband just shook their heads at our goofiness. She offered to make the pancakes in the shape of a smiley face and I asked her if she was trying to get us caught. Velvet waved my worries aside and offered to make some cookies instead since we had another two hours before the party started. I fucking lover mother-made cookies, so I agreed before taking off the jacket of my suit to help her with doing some back. Night Light and Twilight stayed behind to theorize about what we’d been doing, so Velvet and I had some time to ourselves in the kitchen.

“So, Max. I noticed Twilight has a little ring on her finger.” Velvet said casually as she grabbed some flour.

“Did she not tell you about it?” I listened in for any sign of eavesdroppers for the moment and leaned in close to Velvet. “It’s the first of three. Do you want to see the engagement ring?”

If Velvet’s mane was down, she would’ve whipped me in the face. “That’s not the engagement ring?” She whispered.

I reached into my right pocket and pulled it out flashing it to her. She held the case in her hands and her eyes twinkled. “What are the gems?” She she asked breathlessly.

“Sapphire and Amethyst. I haven’t thought of suitable gems for the wedding ring, but I’m thinking colored diamonds.” I responded with the same volume.

Velvet’s jaw dropped. “How do- How did you even afford this? Twilight says you haven’t even been here a year!” She murmured.

“Royal Operative who’s friends with multiple Princesses here, Mum- I can call you Mum, right?” She nodded quickly. “Right. I come with percs. Few enough of them, but the ones I have are great.”

I heard two sets of hoofsteps and snatched the ring from her hands and shoved it into my pocket before Night Light and Twilight could turn the corner. Simultaneously, we held a finger to our lips and Velvet started laughing. I took that as my cue to grin and chuckle, and when Twilight and Night Light came into the kitchen, that’s all they saw.

“You two get along far too well.” Night Light said teasingly. “If I were a jealous stallion, I would think you’re coming for my wife, Max.”

I raised my brow and pursed my lips. “Well, she does look like cherry.”

“Cherry?” He asked.

“That’s his pet name for me.” Twilight explained.

“I know a mare named Cherry-” His wife shot him a pitch black look that made me look away. He let his words die in his throat after that.

“Wise move, mate. I call her cherry because she’s usually bright red around me.” I smiled and Velvet touched my arm.

“That’s very sweet, Max. Twilight, what’s yours for Max?” Velvet asked.

“I call him amour. I just liked the sound of it and I do love him.” Twilight blushed lightly.

Velvet smiled and Night Light walked over to his wife. “So what were you two laughing about before we came in?”

“Oh, Max was just telling me the funniest story!” Velvet lied.

I turned to Twilight. “I was telling her about the day’s proceedings.” I looked at Velvet. “Should I recap for those that weren’t present?”

She nodded, so I started telling them the story, though Twilight was far less amused than her parents. My lover was mortified when I told them what I’d said to Applejack, word for word, but she laughed when I told her about me chewing Orchid out for looking nice. Night Light told me that I shouldn’t be complimenting other mares while I had his daughter’s hand, but I told him that Orchid was my sister’s girlfriend and he asked who my sister was. He remembered that Trixie had actually studied magic with Twilight at Celestia’s school for gifted unicorns, but that she had been arrogant at a young age, if not a little bit aggressive. I explained that her childhood had been rather rough, even by my standards, so he tried digging, but I stonewalled him every time, saying that it wasn’t within my rights to say more than I already had.

Night Light didn’t want to let the subject go and Velvet’s own morbid curiosity was piqued until Twilight stepped in and told them that I wasn’t going to talk if I didn’t want to. Velvet threatened to withhold her cookies, so I told her that if my morals could be broken by something so paltry as cookies, I wouldn’t even be with Twilight in the first place. In essence, I put my foot down and bore no further questions. It earned me respect from Night Light and a hug from Velvet, which made me realize that I’d just passed an impromptu test of some kind. It was actually pretty cool, though I still pointed out that Twilight had told them about my secretive nature, but they’d just needed a reminder that I was the real deal.

Velvet had been getting the cookies done while asking questions, and fifteen minutes after the end of that conversation, I was willing to roast my mouth on some of her hot, gooey, motherly love. Sadly, the Twilights made me wait while Night Light snuck one and enjoyed it with the most bliss filled look on his face while the ladies were looking at me. I didn’t rat him out, despite my intense envy of his delight, but I didn’t need to be envious for very long since Velvet teleported his cookie into her hand and finished it for him. She then scolded him for doing something she’d just said not to do, but I pointed out her hypocrisy and she rolled her eyes.

While she was rolling her eyes, I was stealing a cookie for myself and got half of its scalding hot goodness into my mouth before Twilight took it from me and finished it. I didn’t give a single fuck since I’d gotten what I wanted anyway, though Twilight took her time while I was chewing through my mouthful. Night Light was a little salty since he’d only gotten a bite or two out of his cookie and I’d gotten a bit more than that, and the ladies had gotten plenty. It soon became a war over who would get the next cookie, so I held onto my Twilight and Night Light held on to his and we backed our way towards the cookies in tandem. The unspoken rules were no magic, and no sexual distraction, but what Night Light and Velvet didn’t know was that I knew Twilight like the back of my hand.

I ended up giving her tummy a rub, but Twilight tried shifting around in my grip, and it was awfully hard to keep up my mild torture while reaching for a cookie, so I let her go for a moment and she whirled aroud, but I already had a cookie in my hand for her. She took it, confused, until I grabbed the pan and knelt down, Shadow Diving with my own projected darkness and ending up in the living room. I started casually munching on some of the cookies and heard hoofsteps trampling around the house, so I hopped over the couch and sat down with the cookie sheet on my lap.

Twilight was the first to find me, though she was shortly followed by her father, and her mother teleported by their side when Night Light called out that I was in the living room. I gave them a wave with a cookie in my hand.

“To be fair, that wasn’t teleportation.” I said with a chocolatey grin.

Twilight huffed and came over for a cookie, but Night Light just levitated the pan into his hands. “That was a dirty trick in any case.” He scolded.

“In fairness, at least I’m still in the house.”

Twilight whacked me. “I’d actually be upset with you if you stole my Mom’s cookies.”

Velvet threw a pillow at me with magic. “You’re simply evil!”

“I’m the best son-in-law you’re going to get and you know it.”

“Celestia help us all.” Night Light said around a mouth full of cookie.

“She’d be on my side, but she’d just steal the cookies anyway.” I said, levitating another cookie to myself.

Twilight teleported it out of my tentacle and into her hand. “Nope, no more cookies for mister cookie thief.”

“If you don’t let me have another cookie, you’re not getting another kiss tonight.” I warned.

Twilight scrunched up her face adorably. “You know that’s not fair!”

“Cookie please.” I responded.

Twilight appeared to think for a moment, but her mother beat her to the punch. “Twilight, if you cave, I’m licking every cookie.”

Night Light shrugged. “That’s fine by me.”

“I don’t care. Your threats amount to nothing, knave!”I pointed a judicious finger at Velvet.

Twilight’s face scrunched up again. “Max, that’s so gross!”

“You came from your Mom and I kiss you all the time. It’s not that gross.” I said casually, levitating another cookie to myself.

Velvet took it from my grasp and licked it all over. “Are you sure about that, Mr. Thief?”

The little smirk I had faded. “Touching a nerve there, Mum.”

She looked at me. “You stole the cookies.”

“I stole a cookie. I gave the rest back. If you remember as I do, Night Light also stole a cookie which you stole from him. We’re all thieves here since Twilight stole my cookie from me.” I reminded.

Velvet pursed her lips. “When you put it like that, it’s actually pretty reasonable. You’re still not getting another cookie.”

“Oh come on, Mum! Pretty please?”

Twilight sighed and handed me the cookie she stole from me. “Fair’s fair, after all.”

I broke it in half and handed the larger bit to her. “Thank you, cherry.”

She smiled at me and laced her arm through mine. “I wasn’t expecting you to share.”

I kissed her cheek. “You could have kept the cookie and Mummy dearest would have let you have as many as you cared to have. If it’s our last cookie, we might as well have it together, yeah?”

Twilight laid her head on my shoulder. “See Dad? This is the better half of the stallion I fell in love with.”

He wore a little smile. “If he keeps it up, he might get my approval.”

Velvet levitated the cookie tray for a moment and pulled Night light down to her level so she could whisper something into his ear. His eyes went wide after a second. “Are you serious?”

“He even showed it to me. It looks real.” Velvet inspected her fingertips since Ponies don’t actually have nails, oddly enough.

Twilight pulled away from me. “Max! Please tell me you didn’t!”

“If I did what I think you’re accusing me of, then I think your Dad might be throwing punches at me right now. Seriously Twilight, you just got done lauding me for being decent.” I gave her a look and chewed on some chocolate chip goodness.

She blushed brightly. “I never know what you’re going to do sometimes! Don’t blame me for jumping to conclusions!”

Velvet tsked. “Terrible, Twilight. Simply terrible. You really should think better of the stallion who just showed you that he’s made of better stuff.”

Night Light gave her a look. “With something that expen-” Velvet hit him in the chest pretty hard.

“Shut up!” I cried.

Night Light held his chest. “What did I say!?”

“It’s what you were about to say! I wouldn’t have whispered it to you if I wanted you to blab about it!” Velvet said hotly.

“Christ, man! You nearly stuck your foot in a plan I’ve had for months!” I added.

Twilight looked at the scene that was unfolding. “Wait, what’s going on? Are you guys keeping a secret from me?”

“Yes we are, and no, you’re not going to learn what it is.” Velvet said firmly. “You’ll have to be content with being in the dark until it’s time.”

“Time for what?”

Night Light opened his mouth, but I glared at him fiercely. “I’ll make sure you never have another kid if you spill. One way or two others.”

“And I’ll be furious. Nothing for months, Night Light. nothing.” Velvet threatened.

He slowly backed out of the room.

Once he was gone, Velvet came over and sat next to Twilight. “Trust me, sweetie, you’ll love the secret when you find out what it is.”

Twilight looked between me and her mother. “I trust both of you too much to ask anymore questions. Just don’t hurt Dad, okay?”

Velvet looked at her. “Oh no, he’s on the couch tonight in any case.”

“If that’s the worst of it, then I guess that’s okay…” Twilight said. Someone’s never been put out of their own bed.

Night Light eventually rejoined us, though Velvet was still pretty upset with him for almost spilling the secret. In fairness, I was almost ready to deck the guy, and if Velvet hadn't already hit him, I might’ve been tempted to show him how Brits do gut punches: With plenty of force and a twist in the hips to get your weight behind it. I figured I was going to have to hurry up if I wanted to cement my hold on Twilight and avoid someone fucking things up for me. It wouldn’t be tonight, most likely, but it would be soon enough. I can’t say that it’s been easy to not just pop the question to her whenever we have a moment alone, but I know that Twilight loves me, and I’m well aware of the fact that I love her, so I can’t say I’m pressed for time. Still, I’d rather know for certain that I have a real claim to her heart.

We ended up talking about some stuff going on in Velvet’s life for a little while, and we eventually moved on to Twilight, but her main thing was the Crystal Empire visit. I already knew about it and how she felt towards the event, but as she told her story to her parents, she asked me to fill in some of the bits she wasn’t there for. I mentioned that I’d coached Shining through some issues, but wouldn’t say what they were so I could maintain his privacy. He’d never actually asked me to keep things quiet, but I figured that he wouldn’t want his parents to know that he might be getting banged in the butt by his wife. While we were talking, the cookies were distributed evenly among us and I was glad that Velvet hadn't kept her word on denying Twilight and myself more of their deliciousness. Seriously, those cookies were fucking great.

We left for the party with enough time to get there and a little extra so we could hopefully catch Fancy and Fleur before they got too bogged down in the bourgeoisie. We talked some more on the way over to the party, but other than that, nothing really happened on our walk. When we got there, we quickly learned that this was far larger than any party I’d ever attended. Fancy’s lawn wasn’t exactly large in comparison to his estate, but much of it was filled with people and I realized that there wasn’t a snowball’s chance of this winding down until Twilight was ready to go home. I was already disappointed and Twilight sensed it, but I don’t know whether she chose to hold onto my arm because she was feeling nervous about being around so many people like I was, or if she was just trying to comfort me. Either way, I felt better for it.

We saw Rarity on our way in, but she was locked in a conversation with some drab looking fellows, so we had to wait for a minute before we got to greet her. She told us that the fuckers who’d been talking to her were trying to flaunt their wealth and buy some of her affection, but she assured us that it was a pretty common occurrence and nothing to get offended over at this point. Rarity then offered to introduce us to some of the more polite aristocunts around, but I really wasn’t trying to do so. My opinion didn’t matter since I was trying to be nice, so Rarity showed us some folks that weren’t actually that bad. I mean, they were still gaudy and over dressed for just about any occasion I could think of, but they were tolerable enough people when they learned that I was a Baron and that Twilight was Celestia’s personal student.

After a while, I started doing some of my usual tricks with people like taking watches, bracelets, and rings as I shook hands, but I always returned them to their rightful owners. Some fucker with a fake diamond in his ring tried to tell everyone that I’d stolen his real ring, but Twilight cast a truth spell and he got shunned pretty hard for trying to lie about his own garbage tier jewelry. Fancy actually found us shortly after the event and saw the fellow out of his home himself, stating that he’d tried to steal things from people in the past and that he should be ashamed of himself as a ‘Pony and a noble’. Fancy returned to us quickly enough to have a chat since he’d just had to end a conversation to deal with the matter.

“Maximus! Twilight! I wish I could have found time for you under better circumstances, but you know how these things are.” He gave us a wry smile.

I shook my head. “I don’t know how these things are. I’m not fond of being around this many people unless I’m rolling marks.”

“I have no idea what that means.” Fancy replied simply.

“You probably don’t want to. How’ve you been, mate? I’m sure you’ve been keeping busy.”

“I’ve been quite fine. Say, I don’t have much time to spare right now, but I am holding an after party once this is over. Would you care to join Fleur and myself at eleven for a meet and greet with the truly elite?” He asked.

Twilight answered for me. “We’d be honored, Uncle Fancy.”

He looked at me and raised a brow, so I nodded. “We’ll be there. Might be a little late or a little early, but we’ll see you.”

“Simply fantastic! I look forward to catching up with you two.” He gave us a courteous nod and weaved his way through the crowd to go back to wherever the fuck he’d come from.

I turned to Twilight. “Smoke break?”

She nodded. “Smoke break.”

We headed out the back door to join the rest of the pipe puffers to join them in their circle. There were tables and chairs with magnificent spreads on them, but the circle of smokers was largely silent except for conversations between a few neighboring people. It seemed like more of my kind of deal, but most of the men with dates were sitting in the circle while their lady friends were in a group talking to each other. There were a few women in the circle, but their dates stood behind them and I warned Twilight against accepting any herbs from them if they mentioned anything about poppies or opium since a lot of their pipes reminded me of old fashioned opium pipes. I wasn’t about to let Twilight get hooked on that garbage, so I was rather resolute when she asked why she shouldn’t try something new. I think she just wanted to know the reason why I was so firmly against it, but when I started pointing out that a majority of those women with opium pipes were barely moving or were staring off into space, I could practically see the chill run down her spine.

I let Twilight have the seat I’d picked out and she packed her bowl, though she quickly garnered interest from our neighbors. On one side, we had an older woman that appeared to be in her thirties with an old fashioned Sherlock that came over and asked Twilight where she’d gotten such a unique piece. I explained that I’d had it specially made for her and gave the artisan license to do practically whatever they wanted with it and pulled out my own piece and packed it. She asked to see both and marvelled at the workmanship, stating that she wanted me to have something drawn up for her on the spot. I asked what she wanted and tried to go in depth with my questions, but it’s not like I had a pen and paper with me. Twilight teleported some to me and I thanked her before writing down the woman’s order as best I could. I went as deep into the nitty gritty details as I could, but the way the woman described her pipe was a little nonsensical at best. I let her read over what I’d written, but instead of finding it to be a little rambly like I had, she actually liked the way it sounded.

We learned that the woman’s name was River Song and that her husband was inside, meeting and greeting while she was having a moment to enjoy some fresh air and herbs. While we were talking to her and learning some things about each other, our other neighbor joined the conversation and we took our new little circle away from the smoking group. The new fellow was an Earth Pony named Mountain Mix, and he had some indica that was simply divine, though I was surprised to find that someone other than Twilight or myself was smoking the good grass in a high society party. Heh. High society.

Mountain Mix and River Song were rather pleasant all around, but through our talking, they seemed to be pretty much like your average rich person: a little bland and proud. Other than that, they were perfectly fine people and I liked them well enough. We traded different herbs around until I accidentally made River Song trip balls by letting her pack her unnecessarily deep pipe with my datura blend. She was actually quite susceptible to its effects and while I found that to be amusing, she was going to have a few hours before she came down from it. I apologized for my oversight and she told me it was fine and that she was actually having a bit of fun with it.

I still got hit by Twilight, but it was worth it.

We left our new friends and wandered around the party for a little bit so we could burn off some of the energy we’d gotten from taking in so much of the sativa. Well, we mostly just talked to people that weren’t complete arseholes and Twilight had to stop me from fucking someone up once or twice when they were particularly rude, but other than that, things were going fine. As we were walking, we noticed that some people were already leaving, which meant that the second floor was quickly becoming the dance floor. Twilight didn’t want to strut her stuff like a goofball, but I had learned how to ballroom dance from Noir, so I told her to follow my lead and dance we did. My toes were stepped on multiple times, but I wasn’t upset about it. Just knowing that Twilight’s little flaws were there made me feel better about being with her, as petty as that might sound. Sometimes it was too hard to think of something that was wrong with her, though I knew there was the occasional thing I didn’t like, such as her assuming that I would show her mother my wedding tackle for no reason. I understood why she was worried, but I still thought that it was wholly unnecessary to think so little of me.

Things were going fine with the party until I spotted an old face that I still hadn't received a reward for wrecking. Prick fucking Blueballs had decided to show up and had a gaggle of girls behind him, doting on his every word as he ignored the fuck out of them most of the time. He would occasionally address one of them and they would rush off to go do something or run off in tears, but for some odd reason, the stupid twats hanging off of his tailcoats didn’t get the picture and decided to keep sticking around the fuckboy. One might mistake my spite for the man for envy or jealousy, but I honestly just hated the guy because he was a fucking prick for no real reason.

I’d barely spared Blueballs a glance, but we still made eye contact. He turned to one of his tagalongs and whispered something in her ear that made her frown, but after a moment, she started nodding quickly and ran off somewhere. I decided that it was a good time to get gone before he started some bullshit that got him killed, so I checked my pocket watch and saw that we still had a pretty good amount of time before the main party was over. Twilight asked if we could grab a bite to eat and I happily obliged, but as we were making our way off of the floor, I saw the young woman Blueblood had been talking to earlier beelining her way towards us with a glass of champagne in her hand. I whispered my findings to Twilight and asked if we should wait and see what she wants, but Twilight didn’t think that anything good would come from being around someone who liked the guy I beat up.

She was proven correct when the woman stopped in front of me and threw her drink in my face.

I was about to find some creative way to punish her for being foolish and whatnot when she fucking slapped me. I cleared the alcohol from my eyes to find that Twilight’s horn was glowing along with her hand and that she had a fistful of the woman’s hair.

“What the buck did you do that for!? What kind of bucking mare are you!?” She yelled at the dim bitch.

The woman squealed like a stuck pig and tried to get away, but I was willing to bet that Twilight was bolstering her own strength. “Let me go! You’re messing up my mane!”

“Apologize you worthless bucking sow!” Twilight growled, wrenching the woman hair back.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Let me go, please!”

I put a hand on Twilight’s shoulder. “That’s good enough, cherry.” I said softly.

Twilight let her go and the silly bitch fell on her arse before running off in tears, which really didn’t surprise me. My lover magicked my face clean and opened her mouth, but I held a finger to my lips, then put that finger under her chin and gave her a kiss that I hoped showed my gratitude. I wrapped an arm around her waist and let myself get lost in the innocent feeling Twilight’s lips always gave to me, but I kept an ear out for anyone approaching. It was hard to make out over the general hum of conversation, but once Fleur entered the space that had cleared around Twilight and myself, it was easy to pick her out.

I broke our kiss and turned to face the former Operative. “Hullo, Fleur.”

She gave me a womanly look. “Max, don’t tell me you’re starting trouble in my home.”

Twilight crossed her arms. “Max didn’t do anything. That mare was the one who started it! She threw her drink in his face and slapped him for no reason!”

“So you grabbed her by her mane?” Fleur asked, sounding disappointed.

“I could have teleported her to the roof of Canterlot Castle and waited for her to fall off.” Twilight said darkly.

I grinned brilliantly. “I got me a good one. She’s very protective.”

Fleur shook her head. “You two have to stay out of trouble. If I’m not mistaken, that was one of Blueblood’s mares.”

“Should I have a word with-” I started up until two mares simultaneously poured their drinks on Twilight’s head.

“Put your hands on us, you trollop!” The one with a green mane said indignantly.

“Yeah! Why don’t you just-” The one with a yellow mane stopped cold when she saw Fleur. “Oh. Hi.”

Fleur was glaring daggers at them. “Both of you are out of here. If I see you in my home again, you’ll never be seen in Canterlot again, do you hear me.” It wasn’t a question.

Both of them nodded and started walking away with their heads held high until I ripped their dresses to pieces with my psychic tentacle. Sometimes Hentai is the best way to learn how to do certain things. They looked at each other and at themselves and their now distinct lack of modesty. Twilight gaped and Fleur looked on with her brows raised until the girls hugged each other and started crying. They weren’t getting a damned thing from me, and even then, I only had the one jacket so it wasn’t like it would do much. A few gentlemen from nearby offered them something to cover themselves with and I turned back to Fleur, but Twilight spoke first after magicking herself clean.

“He’s very protective of me, you know. Celestia forbid somepony actually try to hit me.” Twilight gave Fleur a dark grin.

Fleur returned it. “I’ve never seen this side of you Twilight. You really are my favourite niece!” She came in for the hug.

“And you’re my favorite Aunt! Are you terribly busy right now?” Twilight asked out of the blue.

Fleur checked her tasteful little watch and squinted at it. “I am for the next hour. What say you two go have a word with Blueblood and I’ll meet Fancy downstairs so we can get some ponies out of the way? I’m sure you’d like to put a fist in his face by now, Max, and I wouldn’t be opposed to watching you do it.”

“Sounds good to me. I can’t wait to wreck his shit again.” I smirked.

“Max, didn’t he try to cheat the last time you fought him?” Twilight asked, worried.

“I dare him to try such tactics in my home!” Fleur huffed. “I was there for the knife challenge. He never stood a chance anyway, but that was still incredibly dishonorable.”

I nodded. “I’ll be sure to challenge him to a fist fight then. Well, I won’t really get to choose, but we don’t really have anything else to work with.”

“Fancy has a few swords he kept from his days as a guard, but I don’t think that’ll work in your favor.” Fleur said, pressing her thumb to her lips.

“I’ve got some training with shortswords and longswords, but not much else. If anything, fisticuffs is my best bet. Last time I fought him, I don’t think I had the ability to cheat too.” Or I just didn’t because it was unnecessary.

“Amour, please don’t stoop to his level.” Twilight requested.

“Even if I start losing?” I asked.

She nodded. “Especially if you start losing.”

“That sucks, but if that’s what you want.” I sighed comically.

Fleur and Twilight rolled their eyes. “You’ve got your hands full with this one.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the crowd was parting and saw Blueballs arrive with his entourage of shitheads. A circle around us quickly formed and Fleur stood in the middle with myself and Blueballs, looking between us. The prick took off one of his gloves and marched toward me.

“Not only have you insulted two of my dear friends by showing your face here,” He announced loudly, “your sow of a-”

I started towards him, but Twilight caught my arm.

Blueballs smirked. “Your sow has assaulted a member of my herd, and I’m willing to bet that you assaulted the other two! I challenge you for your honor, Maximus! Here and now!”

“Bring it, Blueballs. I’ll crush you underfoot like I did the last time.” I kept my face placid and my voice calm. There were mutterings about the Honor Duel in the crowd, and I heard a few people ask if Blueballs was really going to challenge me again.

“If you accept like the foal you are, then I suppose you already have something in mind?” He sneered.

I took off my jacket and put the Warbling Blade in one of its pockets. “Fisticuffs. We settle this like men, once and for all. When I win, and I will win again, you take your ‘herd’ and leave with your tail tucked between your legs like the abandoned mongrel you were when you first came to Canterlot.”

Blueballs looked pissed. “How dare you call me-”

“Exactly what you are? A pumped up, prissy, punk ass, bitch-made, loser? You’re a failure of a Pony, Prick Blueballs. A failure as a Pony and as a noble, so shut your shit spewer and get ready to have your teeth shoved down your throat.” I snarled.

Blueball’s horn lit up and I felt myself levitate off of the ground quickly, so I formed my tentacle and slapped him across the face quickly, but before I could hit the ground, Twilight caught me and I had an opportunity to wrap my tentacle around Blueblood’s throat and drag him toward me.

“Go ahead, faggot. Use magic and I’ll break you real nice.” I snarled in his face.

I let him go and he rubbed his throat, but before we could break out into a fight, Twilight pushed me back a little bit and Fleur stared him down. Twilight was talking to me, but I was too busy glaring at Blueballs to really be paying attention. Fleur looked back and told Twilight to take me downstairs, so my lover took me by the hand and I started paying attention to her again. I asked Twilight what she’d been saying while I was staring Blueballs down and she repeated herself, saying that she’d been telling me that I could have a proper piece of him whenever I wanted, but we had to go downstairs so we could have a good audience. She lead me to the middle of the room and went off to go find Fancy, but Rarity took her place by my side shortly after her departure and asked if I cared to dance. I told her that I was about to have a very physical word with Blueblood since he’d insulted Twilight. Rarity told me not to hurt him too badly and I told her that there was going to be blood, one way or another.

Fleur came down with Blueballs shortly and she left him next to me. He talked some mad shit about me and my status, but I didn’t have a single fuck to give about anything he said toward me. I called him a pathetic leech and he actually threw a punch at me, but I ducked and he over swung, making himself topple over. Fancy and Fleur raced over, so I stepped away with my hands up and told them exactly what happened, so Fleur picked Blueballs up off the floor and Fancy put a hand on my shoulder and lead me outside. As we travelled, we picked up a lot of interest and soon had a good majority of the party following behind us when we got outside.

The lawn was abuzz with commotion, but people gave Blueballs and I our space. We had about twenty feet in diameter of space to work with which was a lot more than I was used to when it came to fist-fights, but I was sure that my speed and general experience would outweigh whatever strength advantage Blueballs may have had over me. Before we got started, I spotted Night Light and Velvet pushing their way toward me and Twilight was right behind them.

Night Light reached me first, but Velvet was the one with words. “Max! What are you doing!?”

“Well, I’m preparing to make this guy regret having his dumb cunts pour drinks on my woman and break his teeth in for calling her a sow. Are you trying to convince me to not break this guy?” I asked.

Night Light bristled. “He did bucking what to my daughter!?

I nodded. “Yeah. I’m going to hurt him for that.”

Velvet huffed. “Why don’t you just let it go? Sparkle isn’t one to hold a grudge, so you should follow her lead.”

“Because, Velvet, noe one pulls bullshit with my future wife. I don’t expect you to like it, nor do I want you to. If you don’t want to watch or deal with the aftermath, then feel free to excuse yourself. I won’t be upset with you. This is just something I have to do as a man.” I explained.

Velvet pinched the bridge of her nose. “And if I ask you to back out you’re going to tell me that it makes you look like a coward.”

I laid a hand on her shoulder. “No, I’d tell you that it would feel like I’m disrespecting Twilight for allowing someone to insult her and come after her personally. I don’t give a shit about what people think of me, but if someone thinks they can fuck with Twilight because I’m not going to do anything, then that’s a problem.”

Velvet sighed. “I can see I’m not talking you out of this. You’re still young and dumb right now, so I guess I can’t expect you to make wise decisions.”

“He makes wise decisions, he just has a weird code he likes to live by.” Twilight kinda defended.

Velvet shook her head and went to the outer edge of the circle. Twilight gave me a kiss for luck, but Night Light stayed behind for a moment. “Max.”

“Night Light.”

“If you win, you have my total approval to marry my daughter.” He said sincerely.

“So what do you want me to call you? Pops?” I smirked.

“We’ll sort that out when that buckhead is on the ground.” He said gravely before going off to join his wife and daughter.

I looked over at Blueballs and Fancy was talking to him, occasionally glancing back at me. His gaggle of girls were taking turns kissing his knuckles for some stupid reason, but that just incentivized me further to avoid getting hit. I didn’t want their slobber all over me in any way shape or form, so when Fancy stepped out of Blueball’s way and started announcing the rules.

“Alright everypony! Prince Blueblood of Canterlot has challenged Baron Maximus of Ponyville! The rules are no holds barred, no attacks to the groin, no magic, no eye gouging! The challenge is over when when either contestant surrenders or is unable to continue! Are there any objections to these rules?” Fancy called out.

There were no hands raised, so Fancy continued. “Under my authority as a Knight of Equestria, this contest may begin!”

He moved to the edge of the circle and Fleur joined him shortly after. I noticed Blueballs charging me like a fool, so I stood there and crossed my arms while he closed the distance, swiveling out of the way at the last moment so I could hook my foot around one of his hooves and pull it toward me. Blueballs fell over, clutching at his groin since I’d made him do the splits rather suddenly. I was tempted to punt him while he was on the ground, but I figured that it would be a little much, so I took a few steps back and watched as his horn lit up. Blueball’s head whipped around toward toward me and I threw myself to the side as he let loose a beam of magic that nearly hit the audience, and would have if it weren’t for someone’s quick thinking and a shield spell. After that, Fancy and Fleur stormed into the impromptu ring and berated Blueballs for being a piece of absolute filth. While Fancy was still yelling about him being dishonorable and generally just being a petty, bull headed, ‘foalish’, dumbass, Fleur came and asked me if I was still interested in finishing the fight. I told her that if we did, it was going to be until I broke something on Blueballs, regardless of the damned rules. She shrugged and said something to Fancy and they both looked at Blueballs, telling him that if he broke the rules twice that he would be arrested for dishonoring the duel.

Blueballs shakily got to his legs and tried arguing that I’d gone for an assault on his groin first, but no one agreed with him. It was his own fault for being reckless and all I’d done was make him suffer for it. I hadn't actually hit him in the groin, which was what the rule implied. Blueballs asked for someone to heal him, but Fancy barred it immediately since I’d performed a legal action and his pain was a result of it.

That pissed the Prick off to no end, but at this point, he just wanted to try pummeling me to death and I was getting ready to do the same. Blueballs tried shaking off the worst of his pain, but he’d fucked up pretty badly and I noticed that he was limping heavily, favoring his left leg to carry weight. I knew I hard his ass in a glass, but he’d probably just tried to kill me again, so I rushed him, but when he prepared for me to throw a punch, I pivoted and drop kicked his right shin, nearly making him fall on top of me until I rolled out of the way. As he was getting up, his leg gave out on him and I saw his horn light up again, but I was having none of his shit. I grabbed the Unicorn by the pointy bit and threw a punch with as much weight as I could get behind it straight into his face.

I felt his nose break on impact and he tried to push me away, but I still had his horn in a vice grip. He fucked up thoroughly by not even trying to guard, which meant that the tooth cracking uppercut I sent into his jaw was devastating. It would have made his head snap back if I wasn’t still holding onto his horn, though that was probably the only reason he was still conscious. I was feeling particularly brutal, so I rammed my knee into his teeth and let him go so I could see if he would even try to get back up.

The only compliment or anything of the like that will ever come out of my mouth regarding Blueballs was that he had fire in his belly. If he wasn’t such a piece of shit, it might have meant more to me other than just being a good reason to keep trying to fuck his face up. I let him crawl away, standing exactly where I had been when I tried cracking his teeth. When he stopped, he spit something out into his hand, so I walked around and saw that it was a tooth. I held back a smile and waited for him to either give up or come at me, but he just sat there for a moment. While I was waiting, I noticed that he was trembling and the thought crossed my mind that he might be crying, but when he turned his head and saw me standing there, he fucking roared and got to his hooves, all pre-existing pain forgotten.

“Oi, mate. You’re missing one of the front ones.” I smirked.

His hate filled look probably would have scared someone lesser than I, but me? I didn’t give a shit. I was probably enjoying beating this fuckwad up too much for my own good, but he rather deserved it in my book. It mildly surprised me when he started took a few calm steps toward me, but I wasn’t exactly shocked to see that his horn was lighting up for a third time. It took me a moment to figure out why he wasn’t casting any spells, but then I realized that his hands were glowing and that the air around them seemed to warble and waver. Fancy also noticed the shift in his hands and came out of the circle to end the match, but when he stood in front of Blueballs, the Prick smacked across the face and Fancy went down hard.

That pissed me off.

The whole source of the issue was Blueblood using his magic to cheat, so I decided to fix that for him. I wrapped his horn with my tentacle, and as he was going to kick Fancy while he was down, I broke it in half. The snap was audible over the gasps of the crowd and when people saw that half of Blueball’s horn was now floating into my hand, there was silence. Blueballs reached up with a blank face and felt for the missing half of his horn, so I held it in my hand and waved it at him. He fell to his knees and stared at me while Fleur rushed over to check on Fancy, and once she was sure that he was okay, she lunged at Blueballs and wrapped a hand around his throat and started beating his face in. Blueballs was too far into shock to even feel the blows, but I’m assuming Velvet and I noticed that Fleur was bleeding from her hand around the same time since Velvet pulled her away with magic. I took over and gave Blueballs the heaviest uppercut I believe I’ve ever thrown and then he was out.

I know that hitting an opponent while they’re down is dirty and despicable, but so is assaulting noncombatants, cheating, and trying to use lethal magic in what was supposed to be a fair fight. I stood over Blueballs and spat on his face because he’s officially lower than dirt and looked around for my Twilight. She was still standing with her parents, so I checked my knuckes and saw that my right hand was fine while my left seemed a little bloody, though whether it was from Fleur or Blueballs, I don’t know. I wiped my hand off on Blueball’s shirt and found that I was a little bruised up, but that was about it, so I went over to go check on Fleur and she was trying to magically overpower a familiar mare named Soleil. When Fleur realized I was near, she stopped and ‘Soleil’ let her go, though she still kept an eye on her.

“Maximus, please tell me that you broke that stallion’s legs.” Fleur hissed.

I held up the half of his horn. “I have this, if you want it.”

She glanced at it and did a double take. “...Max, what is that?”

“A good bit of Blueball’s horn.” I answered simply.

“...I am so very tempted to keep this.” She whispered.

Velvet seized my arms. “Maximus, I can’t believe you! Blueblood wasn’t even moving and you still hit him! It was over!”

“Oh, it was over when he hit Fancy Pants.” Night Light said darkly.

“Do not encourage this kind of behavior!” Velvet scolded.

“Oh hush you stubborn mare!” Night Light snapped. Velvet looked taken aback. “What would you expect him to do, sit back and allow hit to beat Fancy without recourse? Just let some pumped up shit licker strike out at whoever he pleases? It was obvious that Blueblood was cheating again, might I add, and he could have killed Fancy if he’d hit him in the wrong place. Max has proven, without a shadow of a doubt, that he is a stallion that I want by my side in a battle and in life. I’m proud that my daughter found such a morally apt stallion to protect and care for her when the need arises and you should be too.”

Twilight chimed in. “For what it’s worth, I don’t like that Max broke Blueblood’s horn, but he was continuously trying to use magic throughout the fight. If I know my amour, then he grabbed Blueblood’s horn when he was trying to cast a spell, not just to control his head. Am I right?”

I nodded. “Blueball’s was casting another spell. I saw his horn start to glow, so I laid into him for cheating again.”

‘Soleil’ coughed. “I don’t mean to interrupt, but the former prince Blueblood has been caught cheating too many times to deserve any leniency, even if he is the nephew of the Princesses. Breaking his horn was extreme, though it wasn’t unjustified.” Stripping his titles already? There we go!

“The main question is: what do we do with it?” Fleur asked.

“Keep it and put it on your mantle.” I suggested.

I garnered some stares for that. “...Or we could stick it back on with some glue. Whatever works, I guess.”

Fleur walked back over to Fancy and left the horn with ‘Soleil’ for the time being. “I will reattach it. Not right now, but maybe I’ll give it to one of the Princesses when I remember to.”

Velvet was still staring at her husband, so Twilight tapped her shoulder. “Mom? Are you okay?”

Velvet shook her head to clear it. “I’m sorry, but did you tell me to ‘hush’?”

Night Light looked straight into her eyes. “Yes, I did.”

“You’re on the couch for the next month.” She said with steel in her voice.

“I’ll fuse the couch into the bed if you want to be that petty.” He shot back.

Velvet went to slap him, but Twilight caught her hand. “Mom, you really can’t say anything about Max if the first thing you resort to is violence against your own husband.”

Velvet seemed to cool off. “...This isn’t over, Night Light.”

Night Light decided to be the mature one and just shook his head before going off to look after Fancy with Fleur. Velvet and Twilight both seemed upset, but Velvet just sighed out her frustrations. “Max, you knew Blueblood was going to cheat.”

“I played fair until he hit Fancy. It’s not my fault he challenged me after fucking with Twilight.”

“Leave Sparkle out of this and what do you have? A fight between two colts over some bad blood-”

“That started because of something I had no control over. My feud with Blueballs was started by him and I thought I ended it already, but he’s still the aggressor here. If you want to scold someone, go talk to the unconscious guy with the missing tooth and tell him to stop picking fights with people that are more lethal than he is.” I said calmly

“So you’re not even ashamed of hitting a stallion while he’s down? You feel nothing for stooping to Blueblood’s level?” Velvet asked.

“If that’s the way you’re looking at it, then I doubt I can convince you otherwise.” I said, not bothering with her questions.

She sighed. “You’re so much better than this.”

“I know you are, but what am I?” I jested.

Twilight shook her head and handed me my jacket. “I don’t think I ever saw you get hit.”

I took it from her and replaced the Warbling Blade in its sheath. “I really tried to avoid getting hurt, just in case you worried or something. It’s not like Blueballs was particularly adept at fighting. I’m willing to bet that most people are just too scared of his title to do anything about him.”

‘Soleil’ nodded. “Speaking of him, I should probably go teleport him somewhere else. I doubt he has many friends here now.”

“Please do. I’m sure he’ll be hard enough to handle once he wakes up and realizes he doesn’t have a horn anymore.” Velvet said.

‘Soleil’ went off to go do what she said she was going to do and Velvet went to go join her husband and Fleur in trying to rouse Fancy. I looked around and saw that the crowd was pretty much dissipated by now, so I turned my attention to Twilight.

“So what do YOU make of this, cherry?” I asked.

She pursed her lips. “I told you not to cheat, but you only did so to help somepony else. I’m just happy you didn’t break anything on Blueblood that couldn’t be fixed.”

I went to put a hand on her shoulder and she took it her her own, inspecting my knuckles. “I’m fine, cherry. Nothing that won’t clear up by the end of the night.”

“That’s good. I’d be upset if you actually got hurt.” Twilight gave me a smile. “Aren’t you surprised I’m taking this so well?”

“I am, but I’m glad that you’re not freaking out or scared of me.” I said.

“I’ve seen you at your worst, and this isn’t it. I can’t really tell whether I should be proud of you for stopping when you did or disappointed that it came to this in the first place, but I think I’ll settle for proud. Just know that I don’t want you to kill anypony for doing something to me, okay?”

“I won’t kill anyone for pouring drinks on you, but if someone seriously hurts you, then I can’t make that promise to you.” I said soberly.

Twilight grabbed my tie and brought me down for a kiss. “I wouldn’t have you any other way. I love you, Max, and I want you in my life, exactly the way you are, even if you change.”

Temptation rising. “I love you too, Twilight, and there’s nothing that could change the way I feel about you. I’ve noticed that you’ve been changing, but I couldn’t fathom loving you any less for it.”

Twilight tilted her head. “What do you mean when you say that I’ve been changing?”

“You’ve gotten used to me. A couple months ago, you would’ve been horrified at the sight of me handling Blueballs like I did. Now, you get why I do the things I do.” I gave her a sincere smile.

Twilight hugged me suddenly. “I have to try and understand you, otherwise I wouldn’t be loving you properly.”

I returned her hug, thought racing through my mind. “Thank you for not trying to change me too quickly.”

I felt Twilight let go, so I did the same. “Come on, amour. I think we’ve said what needed to be said. Let’s go check on Fancy.”

And so we did. When we came over, he was sitting up, rubbing his jaw and Fleur and Velvet were casting a healing spell on him. He was fine a few moments later, if not a little grassy from being knocked onto the lawn. He immediately banned Blueballs and any of his hoes from coming back to his property, though it took some convincing to get him to not ban those associated with Blueballs as well. It was mostly Soleil and Velvet convincing him, though Twilight chimed in and took their side. Night Light and I remained neutral since we didn’t really care about Blueballs’ friends, but Fleur was the first out of herself and her husband to be persuaded, so that was nice. Soleil disappeared with Blueballs soon after he started coming around so no one had to deal with him, taking his horn along with her.

Fancy was a trooper about getting laid the fuck out and continued the party. After the challenge, I was pretty popular with a handful of people, got a few congratulations from a few others, and was avoided by a good number. I guess few people were willing to risk offending me, just in case I challenged them or something. Maybe they were friends of Blueballs. I didn’t give a fuck either way and tried to remember some names of the people I met, but I really just didn’t care that much. River Song came up to me and gave me a hug for wiping the floor with Blueballs, despite him cheating multiple times, though I had to warn her that Twilight might try and do the same thing to her if she didn’t let me go fast enough.

Mountain Mix eventually found me and offered to smoke with me again, so I asked Twilight if she was down for another smoke break. She was ready for something to do other than talking to people, so we headed outside and Mountain Mix allowed us each to have a bowl of his shit and we traded him some of ours since he was chill as fuck and we ended up smoking through a good portion of our stashes when a few people decided they wanted to try it as well. I blamed my newfound popularity, or at least, the interest I was picking up due to wrecking Blueballs.

The party went on for a little while longer, but just as Fancy said, it wrapped up around eleven and the nobles fucked off. Hired staff came through and started clearing tables and picking up discarded glasses, so it’s not like anyone had to help clear up any of the messes the nobles thoughtlessly left behind. While Fancy and Fleur were directing people out of their home and saying goodbye to people they barely knew or liked, Twilight, Velvet, Night Light, and I made our way upstairs to the study along with River Song and her husband, Bass Burst. There was also a fellow named Hoity Toity that seemed too pompous for his own good, and a Pegasus woman named Swift Key that seemed seemed alright enough. Our new group waited in the study until Fancy and Fleur showed up and I quickly realized that River Song and Bass Burst had the same arrangement that Fleur and Fancy did. Hoity Toity seemed to be there for whatever reason and Swift Key didn’t appear to be present for any particular reason.

Rarity showed up soon after Fleur and Fancy, though that did make me wonder what had taken her so long. I chalked it up to her need to be late to just about everything she could and left it at that, though her arrival meant that we no longer had enough seats. I gave mine up to her because I’m nice sometimes and the after party began.

It was boring. Hoity Toity talked about the latest fashion, which interested Rarity and Fleur, but Night Light, Fancy, Bass Burst and myself were about to fall asleep. Twilight didn’t care that much and neither did her mother, so it was quite the relief when Swift Key and River Song offered to perform a duet on Fleur’s piano in the parlour. Our merry little band of nobles went downstairs and they did their thing, but Twilight started yawning and I was loathe to wait until she was actually exhausted to get her back home. Night Light and Velvet offered to take us back to their place and loan us Twilight’s old room for the night, which Twilight quickly accepted before I had a chance to say anything, though I would have said yes anyway. Fleur gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek before we left and Fancy just gave me a brotherly hug before thanking me for fucking Blueballs’ face up, though I pointed out that his wife had done her fair share.

I was a little disappointed that I didn’t get to talk to Fleur and Fancy as long as I might have liked, but then again, it wasn’t as if I couldn’t just go and see them pretty much whenever I felt like it anyway. Still, it would have been nice to get to talk to them with Twilight and her parents, but mostly just with Twilight around. I knew they had history together and that was pretty cool, but it just didn’t sit well with me that I hadn't been able to introduce some of my coolest friends to my future wife like I’d wanted to. In any case, it was just nice to see that they were okay and doing well enough, even if I did sense that Fleur was starting to get a little frustrated in some way. I don’t know what tipped me off, but she just didn’t feel quite right.

Thoughts aside, we walked back to Twilight’s parents house and had a proper meal since no one had really had any of the hors d'oeuvres and we’d had enough time to let the cookies digest. Twilight’s mom made a tasty stir-fry that would have been far tastier with chicken, but I didn’t mention that and just thanked them for the meal before asking Twilight if she could teleport us home to just grab some sleeping clothes. She asked if we could just bring her parents with us to Ponyville so they could visit like we’d wanted them to back when I first became a Baron and I offered to let them stay in my house if we used the hot tub. Twilight told me that I wasn’t allowed to use the secret jets and that we couldn’t do anything that we liked while her parents were in the house, so I agreed on the condition that we still get to cuddle in bed. Twilight said that it was a foregone conclusion and that I should feel silly for even suggesting that it wouldn’t happen.

We brought the suggestion to her parents and they agreed since their schedules were clear for the next few days. Well, Night Light’s wasn’t, but he used some Dragon Fire to make sure that is was and I told them to bring bathing suits. Velvet blushed and told us that the one she usually used wasn’t one that she’d been in for a couple of years, but Twilight told her that hers was a little form fitting too and that it really wouldn’t be a problem unless I let my eyes wander. I was mildly offended by that, though Velvet was kinda milf-esque. Well, not kinda, she was a bit of a milf, but I wouldn’t be letting my gaze go anywhere indecent on my future mother-in-law.

Night Light just liked the fact that he wasn’t going to have to sleep on the couch, so after they grabbed their shit, Twilight had us all hold hands so we were easier to teleport. We appeared in my living room and went into the master bath for a moment, though the girls made Night Light and I leave immediately after entering so they could don their swimwear. Us guys just avoided looking at each other or talking during the transition and I had to be careful not to fuck up my suit as I put it back in my closet. I had a little blood on it, but nothing too debilitating or noticeable, besides a few speckles near the cuffs. Once we were clothed, Night Light and I talked about the fight a little bit and he told me that I was easily one of the quickest fighters he’d ever seen and I told him that toes were just better than hooves when it came to anything other than running. Dexterity fucking counts.

Twilight opened the door to the loo and told us that they were ready to receive our presence, so Night Light and I entered soon after and I got the hot tub up and running. It never took the water too long to warm up, which was nice, and once it got going, I hit the jets and it got even better. There’s nothing better than a nice soak after a fight and it’s pretty good after just about anything else anyway. Twilight and I rarely used the damned thing these days, but it was still one of my favourite things about my house. My lover and future mother-in-law talked to each other about random things, tastefully avoiding the fight until Velvet started sinking lower and lower into the water. I called it a night when her chin touched the water and she jolted awake, stating that she was fine for another hour, but Night Light agreed with me and we hopped out of the lovely tub. It was about half past two at this point, so we’d had plenty of time in the water anyway, so Night Light and I dried off first before doing the thing we’d done in the hot tub, but this time, getting dressed in sleeping clothes.

I dug around my boxes of weed for one that I’d marked as an indica and packed a bowl while waiting for the ladies to get out. Twilight poked her head out of the door and asked if we could hand them their sleeping clothes and I went through some of Roxy’s drawers and found a nice nightgown for Twilight that I liked. It was sexy, but modest enough to wear around polite company, so I asked if she wanted it or the sleeping clothes she usually wore. Twilight asked to see it before she even thought about wearing it and Night Light passed her Velvet’s shit so she could get dressed while Twilight was considering things. The door closed and didn’t reopen for a minute or two and I realized that the nightgown was a little shorter on Twilight than it had been on Roxy, but if she was taking so long to put it on, then it was probably a good sign. On me, it came down to the knee, which I liked for modesty reasons, but I was willing to bet that it would be a little higher on Twilight.

When the ladies came out, I realized that it was a little shorter than I’d expected, but it still looked nice, so I wasn’t complaining at all. Twilight met my smile with a small blush and her dad gave me a look.

“Since when is something that short okay?” He asked mockingly.

I shrugged. “Well, I kinda forgot that Twilight’s taller than I am when I’m female. I just thought I’d like the way it looks on her.”

“I think it’s very cute. A little too cute, but still cute. I’m more surprised that you bought it for yourself instead of your mare.” Velvet teased.

“Cherry can wear pretty much I have for Roxy, so it’s not like I hoard it all and keep it to myself.” I explained.

Twilight came over and laced an arm through mine. “That’s right. Most of Roxy’s stuff is a little small, but things like skirts and blouses work just fine on me. Speaking of, you know that smock I wore earlier? When I was chasing you through town?” I nodded. “I want you to wear that as a dress one of these days.”

“I’ll ask next time you turn me female. I thought it was very cute on you.” I complimented.

“Thank you. What about the nightgown? Do you think it’s cute on me?” Twilight asked shyly.

I gave the sheer lace a gander and let my eyes wander down a bit, passing over her breasts like they weren’t there. “I think it looks better on you than it did on me, and you know how I feel about me as a female.”

Velvet gave me a strange look. “That would imply that you think you’re attractive as a female.”

“I do. It’s like looking at a different person that I can control.” I grinned.

Night Light coughed. “That doesn’t sound like something I want my future son-in-law to say.”

“Can we drop the ‘in-law’ bit? I like you guys too much to keep referring to you as such, and you already told me that I won your approval. Both of you, actually.” I requested.

Velvet and Night Light exchanged a look. “One moment.” They said in unison before stepping into my restroom.

As usual, I could hear everything I said, but for politeness sake, I pretended like I didn’t like I usuallly do. Hell, I don’t even write down that I hear people most of the time, so why’s this time any different? Fuck me for being weird I guess, and fuck you for reading this if you’re not me, Twilight, or Celestia. While Twilight’s parents were discussing that business, I took a moment to give Twilight a kiss and ask what her idea of the perfect day would be. She told me that it would start with waking up next to me, then going to her favourite bookstore in Canterlot, followed by some cuddling, then ending with a good book that she wouldn’t have to rush to read. I told her that we would be doing exactly that tomorrow and she told me that we couldn’t due to unrelated circumstances. She assured me that we could spend most of the day doing the things she wanted, but that we had to be in Ponyville so she could take care of some business at the Town Hall and I had to admit that I was a little disappointed. I was looking forward to spending a full day with her, but I would take what I could get.

Before Night Light and Velvet came out of the bathroom, Twilight told me that I needed to come with her anyways once she saw the disappointment on my face and I figured that Baron duties had come in for the save. Night Light and Velvet finally came out of the bathroom once they’d reached their verdict and Twilight and I waited for them to give it.

“You know, Max-” Velvet began.

“There are things we both like about you and things we don't.” Night Light finished.

“For example, I appreciate your wit and obvious love of Sparkle.”

“And I like that you’re protective and are willing and able to provide for her if need be.”

Velvet sighed. “But I can’t but hate your violent streak.”

Night Light shrugged. “You’re a smartass.”

They looked at each other. Velvet spoke first. “I can’t help but wonder if you’d be willing to turn your hand against Sparkle.”

Twilight held a hand to her chest. “Amour would never do such a thing, and even if he did, he’d never forgive himself!”

“I’m worried that he’ll push you away.” Night Light said softly.

“Twilight’s the only one I can't push away. It’s her dedication to me that makes me want to be a better person for her.” I said sincerely.

“A better stallion wouldn’t assault another for no good reason.” Velvet said firmly.

“Mom, you’re the only pony in the room who thinks that Max didn’t have a good reason for slugging Blueballs.” Twilight said, exasperated.

Velvet’s eyes widened. “Wait, Sparkle, you can’t be serious! You agree with that!?”

“You didn’t know the real Max when he came back from a couple of his operative missions. He would’ve killed Blueblood for the reasons he gave him.” Twilight said softly.

I nodded. “Twilight’s my grounding wire, my focal point. When I say her will is mine, that means her mercy is mine. If I didn’t love and respect Twilight with the entirety of my heart, Blueballs would be dead right now.”

Night Light shook his head. “I know the feeling. I was nearly kicked out of the Guard when I was younger because I was too brutal. Twilight Velvet calmed me down a lot and she’s the reason that I am the stallion I am.” He wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

Velvet looked up at him. “Yes, but you would have thought twice about killing somepony!”

“Not in Catro.” He answered solemnly.

“...You don’t talk about Catro.” Velvet said softly

“Neither does Fancy.” He replied.

Velvet shook her head. “We’re getting off topic. Max, we like the good side of you, but I just don’t know if I can handle the bad.

“He only shows it when ponies give him a good reason! It’s not like Max is bad all the time, he’s just different! And if you don’t recall, you told me that you shouldn’t judge somepony for being different, and I know you told Dad the same thing!” Twilight said vehemently.

“Cherry, my beloved, it’s not worth arguing over. I can deal with being and ‘in-law’.” I kissed her cheek.

Night Light spread his hands. “And just like that, he’s back to being reasonable. He wasn’t even being unreasonable in the first place. Max, I’d be proud to call you my Son. Just don’t call me Dad; I have too many munchkins calling me that already.”

I gave him a smile. “Sure thing, Pops.”

We shook hands and he pulled me in for a mighty hug. When he let me go, everyone looked at Velvet expectantly. “I suppose the ball is in my court now?”

I nodded. “I won’t make you do anything you’re uncomfortable with. Just give me some time to smooth out some of the rough spots a bit more and we’ll talk about it again, okay?”

Velvet smiled and came over for a hug. “That’s the stallion I’m so fond of! Why can’t you be like this all the time.”

That would make him boring, Mom.” Twilight pointed out.

“Boring is nice!” Velvet protested, letting me go.

“You’ve never seen my brand of interesting.” I smiled.

“If it’s your usual business, I think I’d rather remain in the dark.” Velvet said drily.

There were eye rolls from me and Twilight. “If you think you’re better than the Princesses, that’s all three of them by the way, then you tell them yourself. That, or I can rat you out to the best one and you can sort it out from there.” I threatened, completely full of crap.

Night Light chuckled. “I don’t think Cadance would be too hard to get over to your side. After all, you did save her wedding.”

And I fucked her silly. “She is rather fond of me. Which reminds me that I need to write her sometime.” I scratched at the stubble on my chin.

Velvet looked away and Night Light found particular interest in the ceiling. Twilight noticed this and asked, “Have you two been meaning to write her too?”

Velvet touched her face. “Well, it’s just that it can be so hard to remember things sometimes. We are getting along in our years.”

Night Light snorted. “We just forgot. It’s not that we’re old, we just don’t dote on our foals much these days, and it’s not like she or Shining have written us.”

“They are pretty bad about keeping in touch.” Twilight admitted.

“I’m a little offended. I think I’m going to write that letter now.” I said before heading toward my office.

“Be nice!” Twilight called after me.

“I might.” I replied.

I heard Twilight’s parents say that they were going to pick a room for the night and Twilight advised them against going in the one downstairs. It still smelled like sweaty bears and horny dogs, so that shit was off limits to anyone other than Berry Blitz since she’d signed up for messes like that. Hell, after the opening the door, I’d closed it and had to go spray a rag with cologne just so I could open a window in the damn place, and the bed. Oh dear God, the bed. I could’ve sworn it would break if I’d tried to lift it.

Disgusting thoughts aside, I wrote that note to Cadance and wrote a shorter one to Shining, asking if my tips had helped them out at all. I wasn’t expecting a reply, so I joined Twilight in bed after sending them off. She made sure that she wasn’t facing me, and when I snuggled a bit closer, she wiggled her rear into my pelvis and all was right with the world until she kept wiggling and made the Ol’ Chap rise from his slumber. When I was sure that Twilight could feel it, she scooted away from me and rolled over.

I couldn’t see her in the darkness, but I could practically hear her smile. “I can tease too.”

"Keep it up. I’m a lot better at it than you are.” I reminded.

“I’ll take my chances. What are you going to do, stop in the middle of Quality Time?”

“Yes, actually. You just sealed your own fate.” I rolled over.

Twilight draped an arm across me and pulled herself closer. “Don’t be like that, amour. That’s just going too far!”

“Am I getting anywhere tonight?” I asked.

“Not a chance. My parents are in the next room!”

“I know, I can hear their breathing. I guess you’re just going to have to deal with your consequences.”

“Amo~our.” Twilight cooed.

“Che~rry.” I replied.

“You still owe me a tummy rub, if I’m not mistaken.” She said playfully.

I sighed and rolled back over. “You’re the worst kind of person.”

“I’m a Pony, not a person.” She kissed my nose.

“Actually, ‘person’ encompasses all species. ‘Pony’ only covers Ponies, so it’s not only racist, but it makes what you just said a lie.”

Twilight was quiet for a little bit. “My Dad was right, you are a smartass.”

“You’ve known me too long for that to be a surprise.” I reached up and aimed for one of her ears. My hand glided along her mane until I found what I was looking for, so I fondled them gently before I started petting her.

“I know you like my mane, but you don’t have to stroke it every chance you get.” Twilight teased.

“Who’s the prettiest little Pony in all of Equestria? You are, my perfect little Pony, yes you are!” I said patronizingly.

“Only Equestria? Is there a prettier pony than me in the world?”

“You’re my world, so I can’t really say for sure. I’m sure there’s a part of you I haven’t explored yet.”

Twilight was quiet again for a moment, making me wonder why she wasn’t saying anything. I was left to my curiosity until I felt her lips press against mine, but I didn’t really feel like there needed to be any words at this point. I knew I’d said the right thing without really meaning to and my lover’s feelings about what I’d said were getting across pretty clearly through the casual contact. It wasn’t a particularly passionate kiss, but it was pleasant all the same.

When Twilight broke the contact, I found myself wanting another taste of her lips, but she drew back once mine found hers. “Maximus.”

“Twilight Sparkle.” I answered softly.

“I love you.” She murmured.

“I love you.” I replied.

Nothing else needed to be said, though tummies did need to be rubbed.

Chapter Thirty-Eight: It's Nice To See You
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Thirty-Eight: It's Nice To See You

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Chapter Thirty-Nine: Righting Wrongs
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Thirty-Nine: Righting Wrongs

Author's Note

So morality swings heavily. The world will soon be a better place for what has been done, so is it really all that bad?

Welcome to questions I like to ask myself from time to time. Debates on morality and the like are fun.

As Always, Stay ‘Evil’

Stay Cool, Kids.

Chapter Thirty-Nine: Righting Wrongs

Sleep didn’t come much easier to me after I realized what I had to do, but it felt good knowing that I could actually do something about it. When I got it through my thick head that I was on Earth, in England, to protect my brother, things were so much clearer. With my mission in mind, ringing through my ears, I knew I had to start cracking as soon as I possibly could. I folded the blanket Will had given me a few hours ago and found some stationary to write him a note with. I shared my revelation in shorthand with him and headed out the door, knowing exactly where to go for information and who I needed to find to get it. I took the hooded jumper he’d let me borrow earlier so I could keep my face hidden, though it was a little past midnight at this point anyway. I looked up to the full Moon and felt rather… I don’t know. Distant, I suppose. The Moon near Equus just seemed so much closer, but I pushed my random thoughts aside and exited the flats, heading toward the local pub I’d spent so much time in.

The Rubber Dutchman was a strange enough little place that served awfully shady clientele, but it was always a hotbed for information. Finding the right person was always just a matter of knowing who to talk to and who to avoid, and Sketchy Sam was the oddest combination of both. The old bat had her hands in just about everything that went on in Wiltshire before I disappeared and I’d taken multiple morally ambiguous jobs from her in the past. When I arrived at the Rubber Dutchman, Markus, the barkeep, stopped me on my way in.

“Oi! You, skinny! Shouldn’t you be at home right now, it’s past your bedtime!” He guffawed.

A few of the patrons at the bar gave him a few half hearted chuckles for his words, so I pulled my hood back and looked him in the eye. Recognition dawned on his face after a moment, so I held a finger to my lips.

“I’ll have a pint of something decent, if you’ve got something decent. I paid up my tab last time I was in, yeah?” I asked.

Markus just stared at me. “Kid, where the bloody fuck have you been?”

“Out and about. Don’t worry about it too hard. Is Sam in?”

“She’s always in. You working again?”

I shrugged. “Might be. You never know.”

He nodded and got me my drink. I sipped the bitter brew, grabbed a coin from my pouch and flicked it at him quickly enough to avoid having it be seen. Markus was used to having shit thrown at him, so he caught it and gave it a glance before tucking it into a pocket, most likely thinking it to be a random thing that seemed alright. After paying for my drink, I went to go have that word with Sam so I could hurry up and get started on finding Slick. Hopefully I could convince him one way or another to leave Will alone, should the mobster ever return to Wiltshire, or maybe just give him impetus to just never return in the first place. Barring either of those, I was planning on just killing him to protect my brother, though I didn’t really want to, if anything than just to avoid adding another soul to my conscience.

The beer was pretty decent all things said, and as I headed toward Sam’s usual corner, I felt a few pairs of eyes on me as I moved toward her booth. I ignored them and kept my wits about me just in case someone wanted to slip me a knife in the ribs for being unfamiliar. When I got to Sam’s booth, the fifty-plus year-old woman looked exactly the same as she did when I left: A little chubby and a lot more shifty than someone old enough to be a grandmother probably should be. Sliding into the seat without a word to her, I looked out into the bar and turned my gaze to Sam.

“Hullo there, you crazy old bat.” I said casually.

Sam slammed a shot back and started pouring herself another. “Who the fuck are you, shithead?”

I let the hood fall and stared her in the eyes. “Call me Revenant or Rev. I stopped going by Kaid when I disappeared.” I replaced my hood.

Sam stared at me. “Sonny, you’re dead. Graham had you killed.”

“Revenants don’t stay dead for long. I’ll give him his due when I have the time. Right now, I need to call in two of the three favours you owe me.”

Sam stared at me. “You callin’ in the marker?”

“No, I’m saving that one. You never know when you might need info on someone untouchable.”

“Sonny, Graham is untouchable-”

“That’s not who I need to speak to you about. I know exactly where I can find him, and I will find him.” I growled. “No, I need to find Slick. He and I need to parlay.”

Sketchy Sam tapped her fingers on the table and cast a few glances around us before leaning in, gesturing for me to do the same. “Look sonny, Slick don’t deal with people like you anymore. He’s moved on up.”

“You say that like I don’t know that. I’ve got something he wants, and he still owes me one favour.” I said quietly.

“No, you don’t understand, Kaid. The last person to ask him for a favour disappeared. Gone. Ghost. She-”

“Sam, I’m a ghost. I guarantee you I’m a lot more dangerous than Slick could ever be solo, so point me in the right direction and I’ll keep your name out of it. No doubts on that, okay?”

“Not happening, kid.”

Well shit. That left me with two options, so I went for the mostly harmless one. Channeling my Dark Magic into my voice, I spoke. “Tell me where to find Slick Sagiano.”

Sam gave me a funny look before her eyes glazed over. “Slick is in Shepard’s Ford.”

“Where specifically?”

“His main hideout is a building on Poplar street. You’ll know what it is by the look of it. IT’s tall, red brick, and sticks out like a sore thumb.”

Sounds a bit like Godrick’s place back in Gryphonia. “How much security should I be expecting?”

“Slick’s been busier than ever trying to build his own empire off of his brother’s name. Savage has been letting him get a foothold-”

“So I need to talk to Savage as well. Is Savage still in Gollum?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

I passed my beer over to Sam. “Forget you ever told me any of this when I snap my fingers.”

“Will do.”

I went to leave, but sat back down before I could forget about my ‘little side quest’. “Before I go, is Chief Graham in the same place he used to be?”

“Yeah, he is.” Sam answered blankly.

“Thanks love.” I snapped my fingers and she lost the glassy look. “If you’re not going to give me info, then I need cash.”

Sam shook her head and nodded. “Yeah, I can do that, sonny. How much you need?”

“Two fifty per favor sound fair to you?” I offered. A favor was actually a three hundred quid kinda deal, but I didn’t need that much.

She nodded and rose from her seat. “There a reason you’re letting me off easy?”

I joined her in standing and followed her, sticking close as we headed out of the pub. Once we were outside, I told her, “I’ve killed a lot of people, Sammy. I owe some people a little mercy.”

She stopped dead in her tracks. “Graham’s had you pulling hits, hasn’t he?”

I shrugged. “Even if I could say anything about that, I wouldn’t. Loose lips get cut off.”

“Shit. After Max passed, you got a lot more brutal, didn’t you?”

“He kept me tamed and fed. Without him around, there’s no point.” I said softly.

“...You’re not about to roll me, yeah?”

“Telling it straight, you’re too valuable. No one has your contacts, love. That and you’ve done me good since I got decent at stealing shit, so you’re off my list.” I said honestly.

Sam sighed. “You could be lying.”

“You’d be fucked if I was. Trust me, Sam, if I wanted you dead, we wouldn’t be talking right now.”

“I guess I’ve gotta learn to trust you all over again.” She chuckled.

“You cheeky twat, you never trust anyone!” I replied playfully.

Sammy hit my arm with the back of her hand. “I had to trust you, kiddo. I was the first of to give you a real mark, yeah?”

“Damn straight. Not like I could’ve sold you out at any point though. Shit would’ve gotten me wrecked one way or another.”

She laughed. “You’re too honest for your own good sometimes. You know my gang runs too deep for you to pull anything, even if you did go stone cold.”

I shook my head. “Oi, I’m not stone cold yet, love. I’ve got the stones for my new line of work, but I ain’t cold.”

“That’s what you say now, but I bet you will be if you manage to live past finding Slick. I wish you luck on that, sonny, but I want you to come back safe and sound.”

“No such thing as safe in our line of work, Sammy. We-” Sammy and I turned a corner and nearly ran into three shifty looking blokes smoking fags in a back alley.

Sam took point. “Evening, gents.”

The tallest of the three stepped forward. As I’d thought, it was the Grisham boys, probably up to no good as usual. Jimmy was the one who stepped forward and his brothers, Dirk and Alex stayed on standby.

“Sketchy Sammy! If it ain’t everyone’s favourite old lady!” Jimmy jibed.

“Shut your trap, you giant fuckwad!” Sammy cackled. “Always thought you were hot shit because you’re tall.”

He shrugged. “Ain’t nothin’ like that, sis. I just so happen to be the smart one, the pretty one, and the tough one.” His brothers scoffed. Jimmy was the smart one, but Dirk was tough and Alex was the pretty boy of the three.

“Right. Me and my buddy just need to pass through, if you fellas don’t mind blowing your smoke a little higher.” Sam said.

Jimmy chuckled and stood in the middle of the alley. “So who’s your new friend?” He turned to me. “Don’t you know it’s rude to keep your face covered, bruv?”

I pulled my hood back and looked at the dark shape of his face. “If I wanted to be seen by just anyone, I would be. How’s it hangin’, tall, dark, and dickish?”

Jimmy puffed on his cigarette and I could see his brows furrowed. “You look familiar. We met before?”

“It’s been awhile, but yeah mate. We met when I went by a different name. Call me Rev.” I walked forward and offered him my hand.

He shook it. “What name did I know you by?”

“I would have said it if it was important.” I replied cheekily. “The guy I was is dead, so don’t think about it too much.”

“Whatever you say, bruv. Don’t get your cock caught in Sam’s snatch, alright? Shit’s so dry-”

Sam stepped forward and hit him with a powerful hook to the liver. “Shut yer yap ya pillock!”

Jimmy rubbed his side and patted her shoulder. “Shit still hurts, but you’re losin’ your edge, old gal. Take it easy you two.”

“Same to you, Jimmy.” I replied, waiting for Sammy to take point so I could follow her.

We ended up stopping by a loose flagstone and she peeled some bricks away to show me the old safe she had installed back before I was born. Sammy’s been in the business for a hot minute, and I’m pretty sure that I’m the only one she ever showed this safe to. As it was, you needed a key, the safe code, and her thumbprint to open the damned thing, but I knew for a fact that she never kept more than a thousand pounds in there at any given time. This was one of her drop boxes so she could keep her main stash in a legitimate bank. She actually had a job, but I never did learn what kind of work would allow her to work such weird hours and get away with stashing thousands in her real account. I figured she was just laundering her money until I realized that she was one of Slick’s contacts. She had to be, and if Slick was working like his brother, Savage Sagiano, then things might be getting rough in Wiltshire.

I’m not proud of it, but I ordered her to ignore Will if she ever saw him using some Dark Magic and told her to keep any whispers of him being back in town to an absolute minimum. Hopefully Sammy’s word was still gold in Wiltshire, so if she said that Will wasn’t Maxwell, it would stick. I actually thought twice and told her to squash rumors that Will was Mawell on top of that, just to keep things in perspective for her. She gave me the same glassy look she’d given me in the pub and I knew my brother would be in the clear for a while longer. Still, I didn’t know why he’d come back to Wiltshire if he knew there was a hit on him. Fucking foolish, but I couldn’t blame him for wanting to come back to his original home.

Once I was done with Sammy, we parted ways and I went back to Will’s so I could catch a nap and see the morning in a few hours. It was about four in the morning when I got back, so I picked the locked door and let myself in, but I never realized that Will would keep an electronic lock on his door. When he came rocketing out of his room with a hunting knife, I was closing the door. I gave him a wave.

“Wotcher mate. I figured out what I need to do.” I said.

“Max, what the fuck? Do you know what time it is?” He asked, exasperated.

I checked my pocket watch. It wasn’t working, so I looked at a clock. “It’s four-thirteen. I had to go see Sammy to go pick up some info, but I didn’t want to leave the door unlocked. That’s how people get robbed.”

Will rubbed his head. “Man, you’re lucky Bea didn’t wake up, or your arse would be six feet deep right now.”

I nodded. “Gotcha. I’ve gotta leave town tomorrow, so I won’t be in your hair much longer-”

“No, you’re coming to church with us. If you went to see Sammy, then who or whatever you’re looking for can wait until you know she’s not ratting you out.”

“Mate, she doesn’t even remember having the conversation, and speaking of, I did you a favor while I was out. You’re officially just some guy who looks like Maxwell to Sammy.”

“The fuck did you manage that?” Will asked.

“Dark Magic. I also learned where Slick is, and I’m going to go have a chat with Savage when I finish with him.”

“...Max, are you trying to get yourself killed?”

“No, I’m here to make sure that you don’t get killed. You coming to Wiltshire and me being here within the same week isn’t a coincidence, Will. This is why I’m here.”

He shook his head. “I can’t let you get involved with my business. I knew the risks of coming back-”

“No you don’t. You’re putting Bea’s life and safety in danger by being here, and you know that, but something’s telling you that you need to be here, right?” He just looked at me. “If Slick finds out you’re in Wiltshire, he’s going to come for you, and not just you. If he’s going down Savage’s path, then he’s going to get Bea for being with you, and even if he doesn’t, she’s still going to be torn apart that you got offed. I’ll go to church with you in the morning, but let me help you out, mate. Things don’t have to unfold the way it’s looking like they will.”

“Max, you’ve always been too fucking paranoid for your own good-”

“And it saved our arsed how many times?” I challenged.

“...Alright. Alright, I see where you’re going with this. Just don’t… I dunno, don’t get yourself into something you can’t get out of, okay?”

“I’m too hardcore for that shit these days. I’m built too tough for these fuckboys to get one over on me.” I smirked at him.

He just shook his head. “You know your limits better than I do. If you kill Slick, you know his brother’s going to come down on you, right?”

I shrugged. “I’ve killed a king for the good of a nation before. Killing a few mobsters for the good of my brother is a little less noble, but I’ll live with it if it comes to that.”

Will just shook his head and went back to bed, so I laid down and went to visit Noir again. She was glad that I’d found out why I’d been sent back to Earth, and she was glad that I wasn’t planning on killing Slick. However, she didn’t want me to allow Savage to live because he was just too damn brutal to be left alone. I couldn’t blame her for thinking like that, so I told her that I would take care of business as it needed to be. She maintained that I needed to slay him, one way or another and I told her that I really just didn’t want to kill the guy since he’d done me a favor once and had only asked me to steal a ring from one of his competitors in return.

Noir didn’t like that I was willing to be ‘loyal’ to someone I knew had done terrible things like peddle life destroying drugs, employ rapists, and kill people for not being able to pay him. I still didn’t want to kill someone who’d showed me mercy and Noir respected that, but she still wanted me to end his life. I told her that I would turn him crazy and send him off to a psych ward or something and she said that I was being too merciful. I blamed her for telling me to dial it down when it came to the violence and she conceded to my point, but REALLY wanted me to hurt Savage like no other.

Once I was done with Noir, I filled my journal out to this point and am now taking my arse to sleep. Being able to write in my journal so often is a bit strange, but then again, seeing Noir multiple times in one day was a little weird in itself. Still, I hope that you see that I can be more than the bastard I usually am, Twilight. I really hope that you do.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Church was lame. I didn’t know any of the hymns, I actually knew God personally, and he wasn’t exactly Mr. Benevolent in any case. Sure, He’d given me some dope ass powers and whatnot, but he was still fucking with me in the weirdest of ways, so I didn’t really feel like praising him at the moment. I did get to meet Bea’s parents, however, and the first thing they commented on was how thin I was. I told them it was because I’d spent some time as a vegetarian and the lack of fats and sweets in my diet had thinned me out more than I already was. They also mentioned that my dichromatic eyes were unsettling, but I just shrugged and told them that there was nothing I could do about them, barring getting colored contacts that I really didn’t want. They were shocked to find that these were my real, ‘unaltered’ eyes and I told them that it was a disease that would spread over time and take over my other eye if I didn’t keep my medication on a regular schedule. I don’t take medication, but you know what words I say sometimes. Lies are easier than telling people that I’ve died multiple times.

After church, we ate brunch with Bea’s parents and that was nice. They were a little weirded out that I could easily eat as much as Will with no problem, but I explained that away with me just being an active kinda guy. They asked how old I was and they were shocked to find that I was out of my teenage years since I guess I felt rather young. It was a little odd that people actually had to ask how old I was again, and since it had come up in conversation, I wondered how old Will was now. He’d been three years older than me when we met, so he was probably twenty-four, but I didn’t want to ask to confirm, just in case that came off as weird.

After going back to Will and Bea’s once we were done with brunch, I told them that I was going to head to Shepard’s Ford later in the day, but Bea convinced me to wait until the week to start my mission. I told them that every day I spent in England was weeks in Equestria, but Will just wanted to spend some more time with me, even if it meant that I wasn’t out there protecting him like I wanted to be. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to spend time with them, so I gave in easily and spent the day regaling them with more tales of my adventures in Equestria. I skipped over the days where I did little more than have sex and cuddle. The day where I introduced weed to Ponyville had to be included, so I gave them the full events of the time I got Twilight incredibly high and started tickling the girls, but that made Bea ask me if I had any male friends.

I told her that, in my particular neck of the woods, the gender ration was so skewed that I couldn’t really have all that many, even if I wanted them. I kept the few I had near and dear, but there just weren’t that many men in town. Will asked how many male friends I had and I was pretty sure that I only had like, five, and that one of them had died. Beyond Macintosh, Spike, Fancy, Onyx and Crimson, there just weren’t that many dudes around for me to chill with. When Bea asked me to list off my female friends, I had to include a lot of ladies in that, and when I passed ten, she told me to stop and asked if the gender ratio really was that far off. I told her that it was indeed and she chuckled, stating that it sounded like a lesbian’s paradise. Unfortunately, it’s not like all Ponies are as attractive as the ones I keep around, and I told her as much, stating that some of the ponies were just butt ugly. Like humans, you had a few gems and a lot of average looking people: I just happened to attract attractive women.

They both called me a fucking liar. My feelings were a little hurt, but I realized that the ‘mares’ I kept around me truly were all above average in their looks. It wasn’t something I’d ever paid attention to, but now that I actually thought about it, I recognized that even Pinkie and Rainbow, the friends I found least attractive, were still pretty good looking all things considered. They weren’t my type in personality or in figure, but they were still cute in their own ways. Now that I thought about it, I was lucky as hell to have so many beautiful women on my dick, and that made me grin like a fool. Will asked what the fuck I was looking so goofy about and I told him that I’d only now realized that I practically kept a harem of sexy women that I could go and see whenever I felt like it. Bea hit me for saying that, but it was worth it.

I told them about the time when I had gotten lost in the Everfree and had to explain what half of the creatures I’d come across were since neither of them were mythology buffs like I was. They were surprised to find that I hadn't already known how to use my powers when I got them, instead having to train and work with them until they got better. It made sense to me since getting new powers in and of itself was a bit ludicrous and that having automatic knowledge and full use of them would have been ridiculous anyways.

When we got to the part about me assassinating Adolf, they were fucking floored when I told them that I’d actually been caught with blood on my hands and had been allowed to live due to some quick thinking and false patriotism, which reminded me that I needed to get back and nail Elfriede sometime. I had to explain that Elfriede was Adolf’s wife and that she had been the one to catch me, shocking them further that I would sleep with a woman that I had widowed with my own hand. I shrugged it off and told them it was just taboo and kinky as fuck. They just had to ask what Gryphon dicks looked like, but I didn’t have and answer for them since I’d never actually seen one, though Elfriede had told me that they were supposed to be smaller than a Pony’s. I didn’t know what a real Pony dick looked like either, though I did talk about my ‘Toy Closet’ for a few minutes, telling them about all the weird things I’d picked up.

Bea made me shut up about that quickly enough, though Will was laughing his fucking arse off the entire time, especially when I mentioned that I’d been press-ganged into using a wireless vibrator on a loli. He thought that was hilarious, and doubled over when I gagged because of the memories. It was a little silly, but I thought that it was well warranted since I’d actually been a bit sickened by what I’d done. After the little aside, the next thing I told them about was the source of my Dark Magic, namely Noir. I explained that she’d been the one to teach me how to use it in the first place and that she was bonded to my soul since she didn’t actually have a physical form. They were shocked to find that, when I meditated, she was the one I was going to go find. That started a discussion about what all I could do in my mindscape and I told them about as much as I possibly could, like the fact that I’d accidentally recreated Wiltshire by thinking of a few places, and that I could play videogames while in my head. Max asked if I had to have beaten the game to do much with it and I told him that I could do a few new things with them as long as I didn’t go overboard. Dark Souls and Borderlands 2 were the things I spent most of my time playing since Noir and I liked them and we could each play in turn. They asked if I’d slept with Noir yet and I told them that I’d only done so once and that it had been recently, despite the amount of time we’d spent together. Bea just gave me a look, but Will was more surprised that I’d let her be the one to initiate it instead of asking for myself.

We stopped and got more food around seven or so, but since we were banned from the buffet (at least I was) we had to find another place to eat. I ordered a family meal at KFC because I could, though Will and Bea just got normal one person meals because they don’t like pretending to be Galactus and imagining that each piece of fried chicken is another planet to inhale. I don't actually do that. I’m not that weird. Or am I? Bitch, I might be. Don’t fucking judge me.

Marvelous things aside, the chicken was good, the sides were tasty, and the gravy was as good as it always is, so that was nice. I was actually a little full by the time I moved onto the mashed potatoes, which surprised me quite a bit until I realized that the scones were actually quite filling. I’d never though to include a fuck ton of bread into my diet as filler, so I made a mental note to do that from now on. Bea asked why I’d lied to her parents about my diet and I told her that I hadn't lied at all: I really did live on fruits and vegetables for the most part while I was in Equestria, though I did supplement my diet with some of the meat Nashoba brought me. They asked who Nashoba was since I’d been calling her Lupa the entire time I’d been talking and I explained that they were one in the same. They were confused as to why I called the same person by two different names until I told them that Lupa had ascended into Nashoba as a part of some ancient lineage thing, which was cool as fuck.

Once I explained that, I delved into the time I got turned into a woman, when I met Noir, and the Royal Wedding. I’d already explained what being a woman felt like to me and that I’d pretty much been fulfilling stereotypes on my own. They were interested in Noir, so I described her to them and they were surprised to find that she was one of the few Ponies that was actually taller than me by a decent margin. I stated that her horn didn’t help, but then I remembered that her horn was broken in half and didn’t add much more height than your average Unicorn’s proportionally. The Royal Wedding got a few laughs from Will once I told him that I’d called out a faker as soon as I saw her, though Bea didn’t understand how I’d known, even after I’d explained it to her. Beatrix stated that women might be the nicest you’d ever meet until you start messing with their wedding, but I maintained that Cadance wasn’t that kind of woman and that meeting her before had shown me little more than the kindness in her heart. In short, Cadance just didn’t have much of a mean bone in her body.

By the time I’d finished up with telling my tales, it was too late for me to find any sort of transportation to Shepard’s Ford, which I imagined was about half the point of having me talk so much. Again, I hate wasting so much time, but I did enjoy talking to my brother and his woman, as little as I really wanted to before I started. Bea had mixed in a few of her own stories while I’d been taking breaks to breathe and eat, though most of them were about legal business or silly clients thinking they had a case when they didn’t. She didn’t go into the terribly legally ambiguous ones because she knew whose side I’d be on, but she did keep things easy to understand.

Will didn’t have much to say about much of anything, so once I was finished up with my storytelling, I was allowed to rest as I pleased. The shower I’d used earlier beckoned me once more, but I’d only brought so many changes of clothes, though I was more focused on getting back home before I started wearing things for the second or third time over. I didn’t like the fact that I was dependant on Will and Bea’s hospitality for the time being, but I was willing to deal with it for awhile longer. Although I’m tempted to just Shadow Dive my way over to Shepard’s Ford, I know Will would be upset if I ignored his direct request that I stay put until Monday comes, so here I stay for the time being. It’s frustrating to be restrained over and over again, but I see the wisdom in his words, I guess. Hopefully the threat to his life isn’t that severe.

I’m going to visit with Noir before I head to bed. Here’s hoping she’ll give me some good advice before I do something stupid.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Noir ended up giving me good advice in the form of telling me the cool my heels and do a whole lot of nothing essentially until Will and Bea went to work. I told them each to have a good morning, got showered and changed, shaved with the Warbling Blade, and headed toward the bus station so I could buy a ticket to Shepard’s Ford. There weren’t many people heading in my direction, though there were still plenty of people on the bus when we departed. It had only been about an hours wait, and with the phone Will had urged me to buy while we were out getting chicken, I had something to keep my mind busy while I was doing fuck all.

The ride only took about forty-five minutes or so, but it felt like it was a lot longer. I’d only downloaded a few of the older games from the app store onto my phone since they were the ones I actually knew how to play, but there was this one that had me hooked. It wasn’t new by any means, but the 2048 puzzle kept my mind and hands occupied long enough for me to get to my destination without any hair tearing or punch throwing. I wasn’t exactly in that kind of mood anyway, however, you just never know sometimes. I might pull a throwing knife out of my boot and chuck it at a wall if I feel particularly dumb one day.

As it was, since I rarely enough did business in Shepard’s Ford while I living on Earth, I didn’t bother wearing Will’s oversized jumper. Instead, I just wore my charcoal grey coat over my navy shirt and went about my business that way. On my way to Poplar Street, I got lost and had to ask for directions, but most people I stopped told me that if I was looking for a good time, I should just go to a massage parlour or something. The problem was that I wasn’t looking for a good time, and when I said that, they usually fucked off pretty quickly. I tried a new tactic with the next person I asked, this time a man that seemed to be one of my people, but a bit older than most.

“Excuse me, bruv, can you tell me how to get to Poplar street from here?” I asked.

He gave me a funny look. “Kid, if you want a good time, just head over to Mary’s.”

“I’m looking for a real good time.” I said cryptically.

He raised a brow. “You’re not going to find it on Poplar. That’s where kids like you get disappeared.”

“I need to parlay with someone there. Parlay, not chat, mate.” I said slowly. IF you don’t get it by now, then there’s a difference between parlaying and chatting.

The stranger looked around and took me off to the side of the road, leaning against the wall of a random building. He pulled out a couple of fags and offered me one, so I accepted it, despite not being a smoker. I figured he was just making some impromptu cover, so we lit up and got ourselves comfortable.

“Who do you need to parlay with?” He asked softly.

“Slick himself. I know he doesn’t want to see me, but I need him to fulfill a marker.”

The guy let out a low whistle. “You gotta be sure about that one. Slick ain’t the type to let the rabble in to ask favours.”

“I ain’t the rabble. I used to pull jobs for him when he was still coming up, and now I need him to repay something.” It’s best not to say he owes me. That’s how rumors get spread.

“So what? You from Gollum or Wiltshire?”

“Wiltshire.” I said honestly, mixing in a bit of truth.

“Nothing big happened in Wiltshire since those old folk died.”

“I know, and I can’t say much on that. I just need to parlay with Slick.”

The older guy nodded and gave me some directions, tossing his cigarette the same time I did mine. I’d barely puffed on the poison while he was down to the filter already, so I kind of just wasted some good ol’ tobacco. I was quite proud. With that being said and done, I let the guy walk off first and started following the directions he’d given me, though I took the opposite turns he’d told me. It was an old trick that usually warded off the worst of the dumbasses who didn’t know about it in the underground, so when I got to Poplar Street, I started looking for a big, red, overly ostentatious building. I took my time meandering down the street and glared at people who stared at me, doing my best to ward off any trouble with my Dark Magic.

It worked well enough, because I was able to get to the front door of the only red brick building without being accosted. I turned the seal on my hand off so I would be pushed around or get hurt, just in case I needed it, and approached the fellows sitting on the stoop. They were drinking forty ounces that I’d only ever seen dumbasses drink, so I wasn’t that surprised when they stood and blocked my entrance. There were five of them, just relaxing and trying to look intimidating enough to get any passers by to avoid looking at the place.

“Oi! You, short, skinny and dim! Fuck off!” The meanest of the five said after chugging the rest of his booze. Dark Magic or show of strength?

I shrugged. “I don't want to. Tell Slick he’s got a Revenant knocking on his door.” Show of strength it is.

The stocky fucker came down the stairs and got in my face. “You want a fuckin’ problem, kid?”

I raised a brow. “I’m not trying to start anything. Slick said he’d repay a favour before he left Wilshire and I need him to do that. It’s nothing that’ll take more than five minutes.”

Fuckwad tried jamming a finger into my chest, but hurt himself on my sheer density. He decided to try again, so I gently grabbed his finger and broke it without even trying. When he cried out, I grabbed his wrist and added a bit of pressure, grinding the bones together.

“Stop! Stop!” He begged.

“Let me in to see Slick.” I asked kindly. To his boys who were pulling knives, I said, “You fellas might wanna stop before I break his wrist.” I leaned down and took the stocky fucker’s switchblade from him and tossed it over my shoulder when he slammed his left hand into my face. It tingled, but he cried out again.

“We can’t let you in! He’ll start cuttin’ shit off! Slick went savage when he left Wiltshire!” He hissed.

I let his hand go and backhanded him lazily, knocking him out cold. His boys didn’t like that at all, so one of them ran down the stairs and tried to stick me with his knife, but he seemed so much slower than a Pony that it wasn’t even a challenge to sidestep him. As he was passing me, I punched the side of his head and he fell on his buddy, so I turned my attention back to the fellows on the stairs and caught one that was leaping at me. I literally caught him, mind you, so I chucked him on the ground and heard something break. The last two fellows seemed hesitant, so they looked at each other and ran inside, leaving me to follow them through the doors.

The inside of the building was just an apartment complex, so I was wondering why they’d run inside when I saw junkies, crackheads, fiends, mobsters, and whatever the fuck else kind of lowlife you could imagine start coming out of the woodwork. The broken down walls exposed the fact that there were at least forty people in the building with me, and more were coming down the staircase on the far side of the hall. I didn’t want to fight my way through all of these motherfuckers, so I hatched a much simpler plan.

I channelled my magic into my throat and gave my orders. “All of you, return to where you were and go to sleep.”

The few I could see in front of me got the same glassy look to their eyes and fucked off to where they had been before. Within a minute or two, everyone who could hear me had gone away, and all I had to do was repeat my orders as I went along. I went up four fucking flights of stairs like that, though I nearly got stabbed by some skinny junkie who I assumed was deaf. I accidentally broke his face when I panicked, my sixth sense alerting me to the danger before he could get his knife into my ribs. I couldn’t control my strength, so I’m pretty sure he would be feeling that in the morning and for a few months afterwards if he lived through it. I’d felt his jaw break when I hit him, and I rather doubted that he would have the money to get it fixed, if the track marks on his arms were anything to go by.

I felt a little guilty about that, but not terribly so. The guy had just tried to shank me, after all, and he was one of Slick’s boys anyway, so he wasn’t exactly on my friends list. I kept things moving since stopping would probably be bad, though I had to wake someone up and ask them where Slick was. Dark Magic was so handy that they told me he only stopped by soon after noon once a day, and with the time I’d made, I had plenty to get up to the room he’d had redecorated and refurbished. His office thing was actually pretty nice if you were into Italian nationalism, though it was a little out of place since Slick himself had told me that he’d only ever lived in England. Still, I sat in his high-backed leather chair and turned around, playing more of the 2048 puzzle on his phone to pass the time. I kept the slaw who’d shown me how to get here around since she was useful and had her run to the store and grab me a few snacks since I was hungry. Of course I provided the money for my own snacks , but when I sent her off, I realized that I might have just doomed the entire building to sleeping without ever waking up, so I gave all of them a twenty-four hour time limit on my walkthrough and went back to Slick’s office.

I was watching some Youtube videos, looking for good pranks to pull when my little errand girl came back with my snacks. I was polite enough to throw all of my trash away once I’d finished with the food inside, but I didn’t tip the woman for the simple fact that I knew her money wouldn’t go to anything good. In fact, when that thought crossed my mind, I asked her what she’d use any money I gave her for and she told me that she would try and save it for a place of her own since she had a bank account, but would ultimately give it to her boyfriend. That boyfriend was fond of beating her, so I asked her if he was in the building, and when she told me that he was, I told her to lead me to him. She did as I asked and I woke him up from his slumber to tell him to love her as she deserved to be loved and to get off of the junk he was on so they could live a happy life.

A thought crossed my mind. I started on each floor, giving my address to every person I could find, telling them all that they were strong enough to get off of crack, heroin, or meth: that no substance would ever hold them against their will and that they would all do their best to find jobs and make their family proud, but not base their own happiness on that. I told the people that withdrawals were nothing and that they should live as friends to one another, and even if their differences got in the way sometimes, that they could still share a drink and get over it with a little time. My edicts were fair and just in my mind, and when I finished with them, I let everyone free of the sleep I’d imposed on them and started asking a few of them how they felt without the influence of Dark Magic. I got a lot of people saying that they felt good for the time being, but that they wanted another fix, so I gave another address and told them that they would never want for another fix, even if their bodies did. I told those of them who were addicted to go to the hospital and seek help, though I knew that this was just the beginning.

Something told me that I’d just knocked years off of my sentence in Hell. It felt so good.

I told each of the people in the building to make amends with each other and save the place as a spot for those who needed somewhere to stay. I also told them to keep it clean and to get rid of any tools that might be used for drugs or whatever narcotics they might have, so I had about eighty people hauling rubbish and various drugs outside, tossing the drugs into a trash can and the rest of the rubbish into the back alley so that it was at least out of the place. I gave three people fifty quid apiece to go and get some cleaning supplies and brooms to get the rest of the nastiness out of the place. There was still electricity in the building, so I had someone go and grab a vacuum cleaner so we could get started on the carpets. I retired to Slick’s office once I saw that my people were following my orders and waited for the man himself to show up, but when he did, he was being dragged in by some of the folk I’d directed around for a couple hours. His goons were tossed into the room soon after and they all seemed to have been roughed up pretty well, but I told my people to leave them alone once they were all inside. The goons groaned and tried to get to their feet, bruised and a little bloodied. I gave them the same orders I’d given to the rest of my people and told them to go to the hospital if they thought anything was broken. They were fine, other than being a bit battered, so I told them to protect the newly dubbed ‘Safe in Arms Flats’ while the people that were taking care of it still lived there. After telling them to find jobs if they could, I turned my attention to Slick who was finally waking up after having his arse handed to him.

He woke up groggily and rubbed his head. When he looked around in his own office, he muttered, “How the fuck did I get up here?”

I coughed to get his attention. “I had you brought up here.”

Slick scurried to his feet. “Who the fuck are you!?”

I looked at him coolly. “I was once called Kaid. My people call me the Reverend Revenant.”

He stared at me. “Klepto Kaid? You mean the fucking geckpo?”

“That’s who I was a while ago. I’ve moved up in the world. I’d offer you a seat, but I like your chair quite a bit.”

Slick looked around, wheeling about on his heels. “How the fuck did you get up here!?”

“I walked. Your people are my people now, Slick, and I want you to lead them when I’m gone.”

He stared at me. “You fucking what?”

I channeled my magic into my throat. “You will lead my people into a new dawn. With our new force, you will join forces with Salvatore, your brother, and your empire of gangsters will become an empire of peace keepers. You will mediate fairly, leave behind your old evil ways and become a compassionate man. You don’t have to repent for your sins, but you will have to admit that they existed, and in cover, you’ll use your government contacts to find those who would do harm. We will be known as the SIAC, the Safe in Arms Coalition, and together we will spread peace through England. All walks of life will be welcomed and will adhere to the strict code that I have set for our people. There will be no lying, cheating, or stealing. There will be no more peddling of drugs people do not need to ease pain or to live healthily, or hits to be taken out on those who do not harm others. If you know of any people who kill others, then you will kill them in turn, ending them, but you will be careful to never be caught. You will be the leader of this chapter, and once you leave with my mark, the people of our coalition will know my final words. Gather your your people, the ones who aren’t here, and tell them to meet us at Savage’s place in Gollum so we can spread our word.”

Slick stared at me blankly, so I asked, “Do you understand?”

“I understand. When do you want me to do all of this?”

“Get your men to Gollum first. From there, we have work to do.” I grinned and rapped my knuckles on his desk.

Slick nodded and came over, so I slid his chair across the floor so he could pull another one over and get started on doing what he needed to do. He gave me updates and asked if he should pull every man he had and I told him yes, so we got shit done pretty quickly. It was going to take three days to get all of his boys into Gollum, but it would be so worth it to do so. Once he was done and had warned his brother that he was having his people go to Gollum so they could combine their forces for an attack on another gang boss that wasn’t even as strong as Slick, I told him to add in that I was now his right hand man. Once he had that typed, I had him say that I’d done something pretty beneficial for him and had Slick, now known as Stefano, ask if he remembered me.

Salvatore said that he did remember me and asked how I was doing, so I told Stefano to talk to his brother as he usually would and to keep the facade that they were still doing dirty business. While he was doing that, I called Will.

“Wotcher, what’s up?” He asked when he picked up the phone.

“Wotcher mate. I cleared the hit on you.” I said brightly.

“...You fucking what.”

“I talked to Slick. He’s one of my followers now.” I answered, checking my nails.

“...Max, what are you talking about? What followers?”

“Well, I decided to take the good guy route and used some M. A.G. I. C. to sway the people to my favor. They’re going to be living wholesome lives helping each other and others now.”

“...You stole free will from how many people?”

“Just shy of a hundred. When I got to talk to Savage’s people, that number’s going to increase tenfold.” I grinned to myself.

“Mate, you’re using magic to steal people’s choices from them? What the fuck kind of monster does that!?”

“The kind of monster that’s going to make this world a better place. Yesu had his ways, I have mine.”

“You can't be serious.” Will whispered.

“Dead serious, mate. I just got a hundred junkies off of drugs and told them to look out for each other. How could that possibly be wrong?”

“You know damn well how evil that is-”

“I guess that means I’m the benevolent Anti-Christ then. Seriously, are you telling me that a coalition of people that want nothing more than to help each other is- Hold on. I just figured out how to spread the word.”

“Kaid, I swear to God-”

“Sorry, bruv, I’ve gotta go make the world a better place. Take it easy and tell Bea I said hi when you get home.”

I hung up and went back to talk to Stefano. “Hey mate, can you get me into a video recording studio? Youtube or professional, either one.”

“Sure thing, Rev.”

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Four days later, the video I’d posted online had already gotten over three million views and was steadily climbing every time I looked at the view counter. At the end of the video, I added that people should share the word, but not force someone to watch it if they didn't show any interest in viewing it since that would piss me off. Basically, the video told people not to kill, steal, or do drugs unless their lives were in danger, to help each other if they could, and to generally try to be the best person they could be. It was masked as an inspirational video, but the name Reverend Revenant was already picking up steam on the internet if Google Trends was anything to go by. Millions of people knew me by my fake name already, and I was willing to bet that even more would be following soon after.

I knew that what I was doing was pretty fucking evil depending on how you look at it. On one hand, I was forcing people into no longer doing evil shit themselves, but I didn’t care about what people wanted. I knew that they would be happier if I did things my way, and if I could get more people to be good and just instead of wicked and vengeful, then I would. On the first day after the video, I was tempted to make another, but it seemed like I just didn’t need to. I felt that telling people not to retaliate would never end well and that my words would probably be found to be magical at some point, but my main concern was that Will refused to answer my calls anymore. He’d texted me, saying that one of his co-workers had asked him if they could show him the video. The warning I’d told people to give still held firm and Will told me that the guy seemed to be pretty normal all things told, but that the fellow was usually the first or second person to offer to help people now but that he wasn’t a doormat anymore. I’d changed him for the better, but Will hated that I’d interfered with someone’s mind in a way that made them change. I didn’t turn the guy into a different person, but I’d still changed him all the same.

I texted back that I was sorry and told him to warn Bea against watching the video if he felt the need to, but I still maintained that I was doing the right thing in one of the worst ways. It made me a little sick to know that in trying to better the world, I’d alienated my one and only brother (besides Spike), but I felt like I was doing good for the sake of making the world a better place. The account I made on Youtube got even more hits as I was on my way to Gollum with Stefano. I watched the numbers tick over three million and sighed until one of my account managers told me that PewDiePie, Alan Carr, and Ellen Degeneres all retweeted my video, though they still kept the disclaimer I’d asked them to put on it. Hell, they put like, five apiece on their posts and my Twitter and Facebook fucking exploded within minutes. The views were climbing and kept getting higher and higher.

During the hour and a half drive to Gollum, Stefano told me that he’d shared the video with his brother, but that he’d declined to watch it since it sounded like inspirational shit that he didn’t need to hear. I shrugged it off and told him that I wasn’t exactly offended, so he shouldn’t be upset about not being able to spread the words of the SIAC to those who didn’t want to hear them. He was still a little upset when we got to Gollum, but I eased his worries by telling him that I was about to persuade his brother and all of the evil doers he’d once employed in person. That made Stefano perk up.

I stuck next to Stefano and his guards, Jacob and Caleb. They were twins, which isn’t important, but I felt like mentioning it because I found it rather interesting. We walked to the warehouse that held hundreds of dudes, though I was checking my phone most of the time. Alan Carr and Ellen had both sent me invitations to be on their shows, so I was tempted to go and do exactly that. I kept talking to Ellen’s director on my way to see Salvatore until some fucker snatched my phone from my hand and looked at it.

“The fuck are you doing, wandering about on your fucking phone!?” He snarled.

I calmly placed my hand on his shoulder. “Please give that back. I’m talking to someone at the moment.”

He looked at it. “Who the fuck is Ellen Degeneres?”

“An American lesbian with a show on T.V. Phone please?”

Stefano stepped in. “Oi! You one of my boys or one of Savage’s?”

“Savage’s. The fuck are you?” The grunt grunted.

“I’m his brother and this is my boss.” Stefano snapped back.

The guy handed my phone back to me. “No problems here, bruv. I didn’t mean nothin’ just givin’ ya a hard time for shits and giggles, you know?” He tried sheepishly.

Stefano still looked pissed, so I held the back of my hand against his chest. “Don’t take it so hard, Stefano. He sees his mistake.”

He snorted. “You never said I couldn’t pummel someone.”

“Yeah, but I did tell you that starting shit is pointless. Chill and be chilled, it’s not worth the trouble.”

“Whatever you say, Rev.”

I nodded and kept doing what I’d been doing. I asked if she’d mind coming to England to do something and she said that she’d be willing to conduct an interview in a fucking motel room if I asked her to. She felt like a better person just after watching my video and she wanted other people to hear my words. I considered consulting Noir before using more Dark Magic, but I hadn't seen her since I’d started my crusade. I just didn’t want her to call me evil, honestly. It hurt when Max had called me evil and I didn’t know if I could handle the person who knew me best in either of my worlds naming me as such too. I thought about that as we went to Salvatore’s office, and when we got there, Stefano knocked and waited for someone to open the door before we entered. Jacob and Caleb waited outside and we were greeted by Salvatore himself when we came inside.

“Fratello, Kaid-” Salvatore started.

“I hate to interrupt, Salvatore, but Kaid goes by Rev these days.” Stefano told him.

Salvatore glared at him. “Since when do you have the palle to interrupt me?”

Stefano coughed a couple of times, so I took over, filling my mouth with magic. “Be calmed, friend. Your brother means no offense.”

Salvatore shook his head to clear it before nodding. “Yeah, I hear you. Have a seat, Stefano. Rev, you’re not important enough to be seated.

Stefano bristled and looked at me, but I just shook my head, gesturing for him to sit. I stood next to him and addressed the room. “Everyone except Stefano listen close.” Salvatore looked pissed, so I kept talking. “Be calm and listen. Renounce your lives of crime. Speak to any member of the Safe in Arms Coalition and receive your orders, but in the meantime, don’t do anything you know to be wrong. No drugs, no harming other people in any form other than in retaliation, no killing which should already be covered, and just try to be more pleasant to other people.”

There were no questions, so I turned my magic off and asked, “Is there an intercom system here?”

Salvatore nodded. “Yeah, I had one installed. Are you trying to use it?”

“If it’s no issue.” I said courteously.

He nodded again and gestured for me to come over. I saw the little walkie-talkie looking thing and picked it up, pressing the button, channelling my magic all over again. “To those of you listening: Go to the Safe in Arms Coalition website and read the edict. Live by that edict.” I said simply.

I left Stefano and Salvatore in the office to go and look out over the hundreds of men who’d just heard me. I saw all of their faces illuminated by their phone’s screens, and if they weren’t looking at their own phones, they were sharing with someone else and that made me happy. I returned to the office to find Salvatore and his guards doing the same thing, so I waited around until the man formerly known as Savage finished up with his reading.

“So? What do you think?” I asked with a brilliant smile.

“I… It makes sense. This is how I should have been living all along.” He said softly.

“Exactly. I want you to buy some servers to keep that site up and running for as long as you can. If you have any boys out in the field, I want you to show them the video Stefano sent to you, but I want you to force them to watch it.”

Stefano laid a hand on my arm. “Isn’t that against what you told me to do, Reverend?”

“Call me Revenant, and yes, it is. People like Salvatore’s need to be shown the proper way to live, one way or another. I hate to say it, but your brother was pretty evil before this, so I just need you to swallow your disgust-”

“Rev, I could never be disgusted with you.” Stefano said softly.

I nodded. “It’s your right to be, Stefano. As I was saying, however, I need people like your brother to see the video. It’s for the best.”

“I believe you wholeheartedly, Rev. You wouldn’t steer us wrong.”

“Thank you, Stefano.” I turned to Salvatore. “You understand what I want you to do?”

He nodded. “Yes signore. I’ll spread the word as much as I can.”

“Fucking lovely.” I smiled. “I want you in particular to start using your fortune to fund orphanages and mental health hospitals. Leave yourself enough to live comfortably with what you have left over, and if your wife or kids ask why you’re downsizing, tell them to watch my video. If they don’t get it after that, explain that I, personally, asked you to change your ways.”

Salvatore gave me a toothy grin. “My wife has been asking me to leave this life, this stile de vita behind for years. She’ll be happy to hear that your words have reached me.”

I focused some magic into my hand and patted his shoulder. “That’s all I can ask of you, friend. Thank you for showing me mercy all those years ago.”

He shook his head. “I knew you would become great, I just didn’t know in which way. I’m glad I didn’t cut your hand off, by the way.”

“Just think: I went from stealing your lunch meat to giving you orders.”

We had a chuckle about that and I asked Stefano if he wanted to have a word with his brother in private. He did, so I decided to come and talk to my new followers and see what they had to say about my message. When I got down the stairs from the office overlooking the mass of people, I started by talking to the fellows closest to me and asked if they thought my message was a good one. The general consensus was as I expected: It was a good way to live one’s life, but not good as in ‘adequate’. It was an altruistic methodology that was really how most people would have imagined a good person to live, and now that they saw ‘my light’, or ‘my way’, they were prepared to give their hearts into the matter. A few people tried to pledge their loyalty to me, but I told them that all I’d ever wanted was for them to be happy and to share happiness with others, and that’s truly all I wanted out of this whole thing. I wasn’t trying to build a cult or anything, and though I call them my followers, I say that because it’s the best way to describe them. I wasn’t sure if they could break my spell or even how long it would last, but if I could get evil doers to take the path I was trying to lay for myself, then I’d be content with a temporary peace.

I had to wait for Stefano to finish up with his brother, and when he came down from the office with Jacob and Caleb, he told me that they were just figuring out how to set up their employees with my message and how to get the Safe in Arms Coalition off the ground. Salvatore was planning on using some of his government connections to get it going and Stefano was going to find worthy administrators among my followers in England to help keep it running for years to come. I asked if he had any contacts in Italy that could help along with expansion and he told me that there were a few, but that he wanted me to come with him to China to meet with some Triads that he’d been talking to while in the guise of trying to help them gain a foothold in England. I told him that we had to clear our homeland of evil before we started going anywhere else and he asked me to make another video, one specifically for the crime bosses and corrupt government officials. I told him that I would happily get it put together with some help.

I asked Stefano if we could stop by Wiltshire if we had the time and he told me that my schedule was the schedule. Where I wanted to go, that’s where we were headed, so I told him that I wanted to swing by my brother’s place and he just gave me the nod. It was going to be a little late by the time we got there, but Stefano assured me that he would get us there as quickly as possible. I told him not to break any laws while doing it, so he only went so far over the speed limit, though he did take some less congested back roads that Google Maps told us would be a bit faster than sitting through traffic on the main roads.

We got to Wiltshire at ten twenty-two, and I was pretty sure that Will and Bea would be heading to bed at any moment, so I hurried up to their flat and left Stefano and the twins to watch the car. When I knocked on their door, I made sure I was in view of the peephole and the security camera Will had installed, waving at it when I heard his heartbeat behind the door.

“I know you’re there. I’m not here to magic you, I just want to talk.” I said truthfully.

Beatrix opened the door and looked at me sadly. “Max…”

My shoulders slumped at her tone. “I know, love.”

She stepped out and closed the door behind her. “Will isn’t exactly your best friend right now, and I can’t say I agree with you either. Three of my coworkers tried to show me that video you made.”

“They didn’t press you to watch it, did they?”

Bea shook her head. “No, but they offered to link it to me if I was ever interested.” She shook her head again, looking at me with glistening eyes. “Max, how could you?”

“Bea, this is me trying to pay for my mistakes. I can’t take back what I’ve done, but if I can prevent other people from being as…” I searched for a word. “Careless… Heartless. If I can stop people from being like me and better myself at the same time, then why shouldn’t I? Yesu did the same thing with the powers he was given, but he didn’t have my powers. Beatrix, I can feel my years in Hell melting away! I came here to protect my brother, but now I can help make the entire world a better place! People are still going to fuck up and have accidents. They’re still going to hurt each other, but I’ve wiped rape, murder, and theft off the board! The greatest sins of humanity are being taken out because I’m willing to bear this massive one on my shoulders!”

She bit her lips and spoke shakily. “Who died and made this decision yours, Kaid? Who told you that you could make this call, steal free will from people? Humans are evil and heartless and careless and flawed, but that’s what makes them humans! It’s overcoming the evil inside that makes us good people, not being forced into doing it! Do you really think that by committing one of the absolute worst crimes against Humanity itself you’re going to make the world a better place?”

“God made this decision mine, Beatrix. When He sent me to Equus and let nature take its course, He decided that I had to come back. He orchestrated this as its basest level and me doing what I’m doing is going to make the world a better world, for you and Will. For you and your kids down the road. For people all over the fucking world, Bea. When I’m done, you can sleep with your door unlocked and never worry about someone sneaking into your house and putting a knife in your back, or having some pumped up prick in Parliament ruin the country for his own personal gain. What you need to understand is that I’m not doing this because I have some bullshit savior complex; I’m doing this because I’ve seen a better way to live, and I want that for everyone.”

Beatrix shed her tears and covered her mouth. When she collected herself, she said, “I wish you weren’t what you are.”

I didn’t have anything to say to that, so I just nodded. “I understand. I’m sorry for wasting so much of your time.”

As I turned to leave, she grabbed my arm and spun me around, giving me one good smack across the gob. “Will would have punched you.”

I rubbed my face. “In fairness, I would have done the same thing before my first kill.”

She scrunched her face up and turned away from me. “I... I’ll tell him you wished him well.”

“Thank you…” I couldn’t think of anything else to say, so I left.

When I came outside, Stefano opened the car door for me, so I thanked him and stepped inside, leaning my head against the window when he closed the door before I could. I didn’t like how things had turned out, and if I wasn’t so emotionally numbed at the moment, I probably would have cried from seeing so much pain in Beatrix’s eyes. She wanted to agree with me, but she still believed in what the Bible had told her, that man was born with free will to do as he pleased, and I just wasn’t sold on that being a fact. The God I knew was enough of a bastard to just enjoy watching people run into each other and scream and curse over the littlest things, but at the same time, he just put off an aura of such true peace that I didn’t know what to really make of him.

I knew damn well that it shouldn’t have been my decision to make, but… I don’t know… I really don’t. I do know that the world will be a better place when I’m done with what I have to do, and as I sit in Stefano’s actual house writing this, I can’t help but feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet, even over serial rapists and murderers. Granted, I’ve only been taking absolute evil off of the table for people, but still, I’ve been stealing the choice to perform such heinous acts from people, violating them from the very deepest core. Yes, life will be nicer when I’m done, but would it really be worth taking some free will out of the equation? I rationalize it to myself as only making people do as they would have others do unto them as multiple religions tell people to do, and Hell, I was probably saving a lot of people time in Hell by doing them this one massive favor, but at the same time, you could call it the greatest evil man has ever committed. It’s not like I’m telling people not to quarrel over stupid things, or to not have their own personalities, but I know that I’m… Well, fuck. I’m doing exactly what Celestia was trying to do, just in a more direct way. I called her fucking evil to her face, and I’m not saying that I’m not evil. I acknowledge it, at the very least.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

After writing that down and with it in mind, I had to wake Stefano up, take him from his bed so we wouldn’t wake his wife, and ask him what he felt when I told him that he had to change his ways. He said that it was like someone had finally talked some sense into him, like he’d woken up from a hazy dream and realized that he was wrong. When I tried to dive a bit deeper, he just couldn’t explain to me what it was exactly that he had felt and was feeling. He still had the odd impulse to whack someone for saying something stupid, but now he just told them that it wasn’t the correct or smartest thing to say and then they would argue, but never come to blows. It was an odd occurrence, but he said that he felt better knowing that he could speak his mind and only walk away from an argument upset instead of bleeding. With that being said, I let him go and went back to the guest room he was loaning me. Even though he’d offered to put me up in the nicest hotel in town, I knew that letting people treat me as more than a normal person would corrupt me in ways that I just couldn’t allow myself to be, although I’m sure that my soul is just as dark, if not darker, than Celestia’s by now.

I stepped into the rather nice room and assumed the usual position on the bed, nearly losing my nerve as I struggled to get my breathing right. Honestly? I was terrified, but I knew that I’d already gone too long without seeing Noir and that prolonging the suffering wouldn’t get anything done besides making her lonely. Still, if she could turn an hour into a minute, then I’d only been gone for fuck math and all that, but still. I’d told her that I would be a better friend and I’ve been shirking the fuck out of my duties as that friend. I took three shaky breaths and found myself exactly where I’d been before. I tried again, but waited until my breathing evened out a bit to open my eyes, but when I did, I found myself in Celestia’s room in Canterlot.

Noir was nowhere to be seen, and when I tried teleporting to her side, I found that my access was blocked. I wandered around the room and tried every door, but everything was locked, so I kept moving about until I realized that something just wasn’t right. I patted my chest and felt some tiddies, so I looked down and saw that they were white and furry.

Fucking what?

I raced over to Celestia’s vanity mirror thing and gaped as I saw that I was Celestia, true to form. I was stark naked, but I didn't feel like playing with myself, so I tried turning myself back into the person I knew myself to be. I couldn’t manage it with my eyes open, so I closed them and tried again, freaking out a little when I realized that I wasn’t changing back. I tried leaving the mindscape by closing my eyes and focusing, but when I opened them, I was still fucking Celestia. With nothing else I could do, I tried magicking some clothes onto myself so I could at least not be naked and found that I’d automatically gone to Celestia’s usual outfit. I started shaking when I tried to change and ended up in the dominatrix gear, so I went back to her normal clothes and tried going into her wardrobes to find something a bit more my speed. Her closet things were empty, but one held a few outfits that I couldn’t touch for some odd reason.

“Noir! I get the point, okay!?” I cried out. I cringed when I heard my voice: It didn’t sound quite like Celestia’s, so I imagined that this was how she heard herself.

There was a knock at the door and I fucking sprinted over to it, hoping that Noir would be there to tell me that she was done fucking with me, but I fell because fuck hooves. When I finally got the door open, I was staring at a rank and file Night Guard.

“Your Highness? I heard shouting. Are you okay?” He asked respectfully.

“No, I’m not. Noir, really, I get the point.”

The fellow gave me an odd look. “My name isn’t Noir, Your Highness.”

“...Fetch Luna for me, will you?” I asked, playing her Goddamn game.

He nodded sharply. “Yes, Your Highness. Right away.”

I watched as he cantered off and spotted the other guards sneaking peeks at me until I caught them looking at me. When their heads snapped back into the forward facing positions, I started shaking, fearing that I might have actually become Celestia. That wasn’t the person I wanted to be, and it wasn’t because she was evil. No, if I had to take over Celestia’s job, Equestria would fall in fucking weeks, and Noir knew that I couldn’t handle that kind of stress, which was why I’d freaked out so badly over being named a prince.

The guard wasn’t hurrying fast enough, so I closed my eyes and tried focusing on Luna instead of Noir, but when I opened them, I was looking the Lunar Diarch in the eyes in Night Court. She was just exiting and I was now in her way.

“Alright, I’m freaking the fuck out. Noir, can we please stop this? I honestly get the point-”

“Sister,” Luna interrupted. “I am not Noir, nor will I ever be.”

“And I’m not fucking Celestia! I’m Max!”

She gave me a worried look. “You’re having another episode, Celly. Trust me when I say that you will be fine after you go back to bed-”

I gripped handfuls of my hair. “I get it already! I’m evil like Celestia, okay? I’m committing sins like she does, but at least I see that! This isn’t even your world, so why do you even care!?”

Luna gave me a sad look before pulling me in for a hug. “All will be okay. I know you’ve been taking the loss of Maximus harder than anyone, even Twilight. I’m listening, sister. Speak and I will hear you, but you need to rest. It’s the middle of the night and you don’t need to be wearing yourself out this early in the morning-”

I shoved her away from me. “Fuck you! Fuck you, Noir! You think punishing me is going to get you fucking anywhere, then you can fucking rot for all I care!” I turned and stormed out of the Court Hall.

Luna came after me. “Sister! Please, return to your chambers and rest! It does not bode well for our subjects to see you unhinged.” She begged.

I stopped and turned on my hooves, making myself fall over since I was too used to having toes. “Fuck this shitty Pony body! Fuck you for forcing me into Celestia, and fuck this noise!” I closed my eyes, tears of frustration and panic falling, despite me trying to blink them away.

I heard a soft pop and opened my eyes, looking around. Luna had teleported us back into Celestia’s room. “Celly, go to sleep. I promise that you will be fine when you wake up, okay?” Luna’s eyes filled with tears of her own, but she was just a construct: Her feelings didn’t matter to me.

I didn’t have anything to say to that, so I just got off the ground and sat on the bed, trying not to have a full blown fucking panic attack. Luna came and sat beside me, rubbing my back and whispering that everything would be okay in the morning, just like it always was when I had an episode like this. I hoped to high heaven that I would actually be able to go to sleep, to wake up from this disturbing dream Noir was putting me through. I really did understand why she was forcing me into being Celestia, truly I did, but I felt as though it was so severely unnecessary. Luna urged me to lay down and get some rest, so I complied, hoping that playing along would get me out of my head sooner rather than later.

I closed my eyes for a little while, but my thoughts kept racing, preventing me from getting much, if any sleep at all. I knew that Noir had more control over my mind and that she would keep fucking with me until she thought I’d learned my lesson, so when I ‘woke up’ and saw the Sun on the horizon, I sighed and got out of bed, making my clothes presentable with magic since I had it apparently. To check and see if I really was crazy, I tried forming my seal, but when it appeared above my palm, my fucking blood ran cold. Instead of my Star of David, it was Celestia’s Sun. I was immediately sick all over the floor and cleaned it up with magic when I heard someone knock on the door.

I went over and opened it, hoping that it was Noir come to tell me that she was done screwing with my head. Instead, it was a smiling Luna. “Good morning sister.”

I sighed hard. “Fuck.”

Her face fell. “...You’re not better.”

I gave her a look. “Evidently not. Fucking Christ.” I ran a hand through my hair, but jolted when I felt my ears.

Luna came in and shut the door behind her. “Celestia, I can take over Day Court while you recover. You look like you didn’t take my advice at all. Perhaps I could cast a sleeping spell on you-”

“Yes! Please!” I cried.

She shook her head and gestured toward the bed, so I quickly walked over, didn’t bother with the covers, and watched her as she joined me at my side. “I suppose any words I have for you can wait until you’re well again. Sweet dreams, sister.”

“Good day, Luna.” I closed my eyes and felt her press a finger to my forehead, but when I opened my eyes a few seconds later, I knew for a fact that I hadn't slept a wink.

I was starting to feel mentally exhausted, so I tried browsing Celestia’s shelves of books, but they were all scribblings and nonsense to me. Every book was written in the same spidery scrawl that I couldn’t figure out, no matter how hard I tried, so I opened a window and jumped, trying to see if death would allow me to leave my mind like it had in the past, but against my will, my wings spread and I realized that I hadn't even paid that much attention to having them in the first place. It was still midday outside, so I scared the shit out of some guards with my sudden descent.

I didn’t bother apologizing for scaring people, instead preferring to head toward the armory so I could try the more direct routes. The Quartermaster guy knelt when I walked in, but I didn’t pay him any mind and when I grabbed a random knife from the racks, he started telling me about it before I tried plunging it into my heart. Nothing stopped it, but it halted all the same and the Quartermaster quickly ripped the thing from my hands with magic, teleporting the thing from me. I teleported back to Celestia’s room before anything else could happen and paced, doing my best to wear a hole into the floor.

A few minutes later, Luna popped into my room and slapped the piss out of me, tears streaming down her face. “Celestia, how could you!?”

I grabbed her by the shoulders. “I’m not Celestia!”

She swatted my hands aside and hit me again. “Yes you are! You are not Max, and you will never be Max! He’s not coming back, okay!? Cease your nonsense before I lock you up for your own good!”

“Then fucking do it! I can’t take Celestia’s burden, Goddammit! I’m not a fucking ruler and I never have been!”

Luna sobbed and fell to her knees, making me feel awful about trying to off myself. Maybe I really was Celestia? Maybe I really was just having an episode, a bout of confusion or dementia brought on by the sudden loss of a loved one. It didn’t make any sense when I thought about it, so I ignored Luna to the best of my abilities and did more thinking. It just didn’t make any sense for me to be Celestia, so I knelt down in front of Luna and started asking questions.

“Alright love, let’s take it from the top.” Luna looked at me like I was crazy. “When’s the last time we saw Max? It was when we sent him off to Bridleland, right?”

I could see the hope in her eyes. “Y-Yes. Yes! That’s the last time we saw him! There was a force that compelled us to send him away that wouldn’t let us teleport to him!”

“Alright, so if I’m not Max, then why do I have memories of walking through the divide between our worlds? Why do I remember things about England that aren’t from Bridleland, like cars that are automated carriages, and trains, and cell phones? Why do I know about things like television that I know for a fact ‘Max’ only ever explained to Twilight?”

Luna’s hope faded. “Twilight told you in her letters.”

“Then let’s go see Twilight, yeah? I remember things about her that she would never tell anyone else, and if I can prove that to you, then maybe Noir will let me get back to Earth so I can hurry up and- Wait.” I looked up. “Noir, do you just want me to stop doing what I’m doing?”

Luna stared at me. “It is about time you realized that.”

I couldn’t do anything but look at her. “How long were you going to let this go on?”

“Until you understood. You are going down a dangerous path, Maximus. One I refuse to see you travel.”

I jammed a finger into her sternum, thought better of it, and threw a punch at her that she lazily dodged. “It’s my choice to go down whatever path I choose, and pulling shit like this makes me want to fucking sprint down it just to spite you. I thought you might understand after all-”

Noir turned back into herself and allowed me to regain my usual form. “I do understand. I just worry that you’re not thinking far enough ahead.”

“Like how far? The next generation? What do you want me to do, stop here and see how it works?”

“I’m talking about for you personally, Max. If continue with this, you may not want to leave Earth. You may choose to become the Celestia-”

I slapped her. “Shut. The fuck. Up. If you think for a moment that I’m giving up on Twilight, on the life I’ve built in Equestria, then you don’t fucking know me at all! I want to make my homeland better so my brother can live safely, and you fucking know that! This isn’t about power!”

Noir rubbed her cheek and looked at me. “You have never had a taste of real power. Who is to say that you will not like it?”

“I had the opportunity already and I shoved it out the fucking door! Noir, are you even thinking right now!?”

“...I suppose I was more worried about the fact you chose not to visit me for days on end.”

“And you know the reason why. This was all so fucking unnecessary, you- You… Actually, I’m so pissed I can’t think straight. You pissed me off enough to break the code I’m trying to fucking live by already, but that’s what fucking happens when someone you trust fucks with your head!”

She looked at me coolly. “Is that any worse than when a stranger does it?”

“Yes. Being stabbed in the back is always worse when it’s someone you love. Fuck off, Noir. Have fun being lonely.” I said bitterly.

I closed my eyes, but when I opened them, I hadn't gone anywhere. Noir just looked at me, more disappointed than angry. “You would really avoid me for so long?”

“Knife. Right between the shoulder blades. How the fuck would I want to be anywhere near you right now?”

“...Please do not leave me, Maximus.” She pleaded softly.

My lip curled and I was prepared to say something more hateful, but I reminded myself that I was trying to be a better person. “...Do you even regret forcing me into someone else’s body? Do you feel bad for ignoring who I am and thinking that I’m some power hungry megalomaniac?”

She looked me in the eyes. “I do not feel bad for putting you in Celestia’s body since it drove my point home, but I do regret overlooking your inner thoughts on the cult following you are gathering. I recognize that you are trying to make your world a better place, but I do not feel that your way is a righteous one. You are running down Celestia’s path-”

“Up until I go home.” I interrupted.

Noir looked away. “... I apologize.”

I thought about how long I should punish her for. “... You can live without me until I return to Equus. I’ll visit you before I leave Earth, but I want you to know that this hurt, Noir.”

“I understand. I will not attempt such trickery again.”

I nodded. “Thank you.”

I closed my eyes again and felt my body shift until I was sitting on something soft. I looked at the digital clock on the nightstand and saw that about six hours had passed, wiping out most of my night, so I decided to forego sleeping since I could do without it. I spent the time writing in my journal and being pissed with Noir, but it’s not like I was going to go without seeing her for much longer. I didn’t want to spend that much more time on Earth, and after I got the video for the worst of the worst, I’d be on my way back to Equus.

As I write, I can’t help but feel like Noir still had my best interests at heart, but she just went about trying to show me how she felt in the wrong way. If she was worried about me becoming power-hungry, she could have just said so, or she could have just fucking paid attention to me as a person. At the very least she’d admitted that I didn’t have a complex or anything or the sort, but I’m still quite offended. More than a bit salty. Seriously, who even traps someone in their own mind just to get their point across? That’s seriously fucked up to no end. Why not just fucking talk to me? I know I didn’t visit for a few days because I was scared of her words, but at the very least I’d still shown up and faced the music. Maybe Noir just got lonely and wanted to keep me around a bit longer, but I just can’t abide by her means of keeping me around. I guess there’s no point in dwelling on it. I really should get some sleep, but I just don’t feel like I need it at the moment.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Two more days passed without sleep and I got the next video done. This one told the people who saw it to turn themselves in or to give their ill begotten gains away to charities such as the Safe in Arms Coalition so we could do some more good in the world. It had the same commands as the original video and was paired with a message about drug use and the selling of drugs, people, stolen goods, and embezzlement, so when we got it made, I had Stefano help me put it on the Safe in Arms website and lock it behind a specific link so people wouldn’t be able to view it without that link. We started off by sending it to every member of Parliament , and from there, we worked our way outward. Shit got done pretty quickly, all things said, and by the time it really started getting circulated around England, Stefano and Salvatore had already sent it through most of the contacts they had in the Mafia, the Yakuza, the Triads, and even the American Bloods and Crips, if that tells you anything about how deep and weird their connections ran. The video itself was made so that people were forced to share it with people in similar lines of work, and that made things a lot easier for it to be spread around. Within five days of the video being circulated, there were tales of entire factions of gangs just collapsing because they couldn’t keep enough members to keep going. The Cartel in Central and Northern America wasn’t as affected like the Mafia in Italy, Mafiya in Russia, or the Yakuza in Japan, but our sources still said that there were effects to be seen across the world.

I ended up doing a show with Alan Carr and that turned out to be really annoying. I’d never liked the guy’s voice in the first place, and it wasn’t because he sounded like a stereotypical twink. He was just annoying. Still, it helped me spread the word about the Safe in Arms Coalition, though I’d had to answer some tough questions about why my words seemed to reach the worst of the worst more so than the nicer people. I explained that it was just the nature of the way I spoke and that people just tended to listen to me, regardless of whether or not I wanted them to. Alan also asked if I was building a cult and I straight up told him that the people who followed me weren’t cultists. I didn’t have a memo other than being a better person, and there wasn’t anything I’d actually said or done to make people think otherwise, but the question had kept popping up. A lot of people asked me if I was trying to raise a cult, but I told them all that I just wanted people to suck less in general. I ended up telling Alan about my childhood and my status as an orphan on television and explained that my suffering shouldn’t have to be anyone else’s, which is why I’d started with junkies and drug dealers: if I could sway the worst of the worst, then I could already start making the world a better place. On the show, I encouraged people with drug problems and those who wanted to be better people, not just for themselves, to watch my original video.

I also ended up doing a show with Good Morning Britain and The Morning as well as some American talk shows, but I don’t really feel like getting into those. The Ellen show was the interesting one since she asked tougher questions than anyone else. After I’d exposed my past, she asked about it and wanted to know if I could prove any of my claims. I told her that, besides the scars on my psyche, I really couldn’t offer much, and even then the scars were healing as I devoted my time into becoming a better person myself. She mentioned that she’d watched my video multiple times, looking for any real reason why it was so compelling and I told her that I had a theory about my ‘message voice’ and it being hypnotic to some degree. I’d tried to ‘hypnotize’ myself multiple times with suggestions to think twice about my actions, but it just wouldn’t do. Ellen told me that my video had over fifty million views already and I was actually fucking staggered. I’d stopped keeping up with it after it hit ten million, but the more views it got, the faster it grew. A month passed quickly before I even realized it and the video was getting close to five hundred million views after my appearances on the talk shows.

Ellen asked me if I was planning on making any more videos and I told her that I was just looking forward to going home to see my friends, and when she tried to delve into that, I walled her off pretty hard and just told her that they were in England and that I was going to have to go back soon enough. Once the show was over, I figured that she was my last stop, so I flew back to England and realized that I’d already been on Earth for a month. I’d gotten paid for my appearances on the shows I’d done, so I just gave all the money except for a few pounds to the SIAC. I kept enough to get me back to Wiltshire and rent a hotel room for awhile, but other than that, I just didn’t want much of the money I’d accrued. I checked in with Stefano to see how things were going with the SIAC every few days and he told me that we’d gotten our charity thing up and running with a little help from some people we swayed in Parliament. He also told me that we were getting a chapter set up in the United States and that our Italy branch was getting getting on its feet sooner than we thought it would, so that was nice.

I’m sitting in my hotel room now, finishing up with my journals since I’ve just been too busy to write in them, but after this, I’m going to have to get all of my music downloaded to my various MP3 players so I can get them to Equestria with me when I decide to leave. I had to get a laptop so I could do some technological wizardry and get my shit copied over. I’m sure Celestia could find a way to power them magically, otherwise, I’m just going to have a bunch of Earth things that can’t really be used at all. I plan on taking them and my phone to Equestria along with the pens I grabbed back when I was still staying with Will and Bea, but I really just wanted to bring some Earth music with me. I also bought a few speakers to go in my new bag of crap, but so far, I don’t think I’ll have to charge any of them. If I channel my magic into my hands while holding a piece of Earthly technology, it seems to charge pretty fucking quickly, but I don’t know why that is.

After downloading just about every kind of instructional video I could think of, I think I’ll head to bed and finally get some restful sleep. I haven’t slept terribly well since I talked to Bea the night I went to Gollum, but I get enough to not look like absolute shit all of the time. Maybe I’ll visit Noir once I’m done here… I plan on leaving tomorrow, but I want to see her again anyways. I’ve wanted to see her for a week now since my anger faded, but I told her that she could deal with not having me around until I left. I’ll still visit her before I actually leave, although I want to see her sooner rather than later. It’ll be nice to see my mentor again.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Alright, so I got my music and videos downloaded, and once I did, I visited Noir as I said I would. She told me that she’d cheated and sped up time so she wouldn’t have to go so long without seeing me, but it’s not like I’m upset with her for it. I gave her a hug and told her that I’d forgiven her for her bullshit a couple weeks ago and she said that she’d missed me and hoped that life would return to normal once I got back to Equestria. We spent a few minutes hugging until Noir told me that I was the worst kind of evil, so I let her go.

“Is now really the best time to bring that up?” I asked.

“You did it to Celestia.” Noir remarked.

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean you have to do it to me. You really have no tact sometimes.”

She shrugged. “For what it is worth, I still love you.”

“That’s nice.” I replied drily. “So what of my new status as an evil fuck? Do you think I should tell Twilight-”

“No. No, never tell Twilight what you have done.” Noir interrupted. “Tell her that you started a charity. Tell her that you convinced drug addled people to give up their vices. Tell her that you saved your brother’s life, but never tell her that you used Dark Magic to make people do your will.”

“...Can I tell Celestia?”

She nodded curtly. “Of course. She may slap you, but I have faith that you can dodge it.”

“...Right. I’m telling her that you tried forcing me into her body.”

“Do as you please. It is not like she can come into your mind and chastise me for it.”

“I’ll let her in just so she can do exactly that.” I threatened playfully.

“You would not do that. Allowing her complete access to your mind before doing so for Twilight would be very insulting to your lover.”

I crossed my arms. “I totally let Twilight in already. Multiple times.”

“Oh. Yes, I remember now. It feels like it happened so long ago…” Noir trailed off.

“Are you sure you shouldn’t just live on a daily cycle? Once we get back to Equestria, I think you should stop altering time in here-”

“Not happening.” Noir interrupted. “I have tried living day to day. It is tedious and awful.”

I pursed my lips. “I think it’s making you forgetful.”

“I choose to be forgetful. If I remembered everything, then I would be too… Too much like my sister. My knowledge would become overbearing and I would hate to make you feel like I know you from the inside out. You tolerate what we have because I forget things, Max.”

“It just helps remind me that you’re not perfect.” I said quietly.

“No one is. I will try and keep my forgetfulness in check from now on, barring remembering your mistakes, that is.”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.” I gave her a smile.

Noir gave me another hug, so I pulled her down to my level and licked her cheek because I could. After that, we just chased each other around, licking faces until we decided to head to an English beach and soak up so ‘Sun’ from the overcast skies. I’d visited a beach while in Burbank with Ellen, so I took us there instead and remembered all of the great arses I’d seen. Noir hit me for looking at other women, but she was spending time looking at guys herself, so I pinched her in retaliation. She told me that I was supposed to be some peace advocate and I told her that she’d caused more pain than I did with her blunt mitts than with my nimble fingers and she hit me again, but it was worth it.

We spent some time in the Sun, playing in the water with water guns and something originally American: Super Soakers. They’re the coolest water guns I’ve ever handled, and blasting Noir was awesome. We decided to have a wet T-Shirt contest with them when we got on dry land, but we never really figured out who won. I thought I won because I landed more water on her shirt, but she said she won because because of that exact reason. Either way, I got to see some big ol’ breasts and that made me smile. Noir got stuck with my pasty arse in a semi-wet shirt, so I let her blast me to get the full effects and she actually smiled. My new diet on Earth had made me fill out a bit more, adding some fat and a lot more muscle to my physique. She mentioned offhandedly that I looked better with some meat on my bones and I told her that I’d try and eat more protein while I was back in Equestria. She mentioned that I just needed to stop cutting the fat off of the meat I did eat and maybe look into some weight gain supplements while I was still on Earth. I told her that I’d get some before I left and she gave me the thumbs up.

Once we were done with our fun in the Sun, Noir set up a battlefield and we had ourselves a nice little skirmish with our side being heavily outnumbered. It was a good way to get stuff started, but Noir wanted to show me how to fight as a part of a team which ended up getting me booted out of the mindscape like, four times before I just ignored her and went balls to the wall. I lasted a lot longer when I went solo, scything my way through our opponents on my own and cutting down more fools than I could have done with the turtle formation Noir had us use. I was no good with anything bigger than a buckler, after all, and using a gladius just wasn’t my thing since I was more of a slashing kind of guy.

Noir eventually broke ranks with her phalanx and conjured her claymore so she could join me in the fray, and when we met on the battlefield, we clashed hard, mistaking each other for enemies at first glance. Once we drew back to swing again, we took care of the enemies closest to us and managed to clear a circle around us. Noir shouted at me to take point and that she would follow as my sweeper, so I did just that and picked a direction, ripping into the forces around us that were being rapidly demoralized. I noticed that these constructs acted more like people, like that some hesitated when they swung or were nearly as fast as I was. They just seemed so much more Human, and I felt a little guilty killing them, despite knowing that they were just constructs with borrowed personalities.

As they acted more like people, they were also more opportunistic like Humans, so that got me cut a few times and nearly hit with a fucking morningstar when some motherfucking knight came in on a goddamn ox. Noir cleaved through one of the ox’s legs and sent the knight tumbling to the ground, but I focused on keeping our new combat buddies back and out of the way so Noir could have her fun, but while I was pressuring the enemy forces, the knight came up behind me and I only got out of the way because I felt something tingle between my shoulder blades, the area he would have hit. He still clipped me pretty hard, so I dashed into the bit of open space we had and started looking for chinks in his armor. I had the speed advantage in spades and I already knew from lessons with Noir that stabbing him in the joints was going to be my best bet, so I sprinted over to him and slid on the blood-slicked grass, grabbing one one of his legs and rising quickly toppling the fellow.

Unlike in movies where knights just get back up, full plate armor is actually heavy as fuck, so he wasn’t getting up anytime soon, though I didn’t really have time to laugh at him. I had to get back into the fray, and when I felt a hand on my shoulder, I knew it was Noir backing me up, so I set the pace again and we got back to work, hacking and slashing away at our opposition until another boss construct came to fuck the day up. It was a fucking Dragon that looked exactly like the big green fucker who’d torn my heart out. I raised a hand to cease the combat and looked at Noir.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I asked with a smile.

“...It is disturbing when you do that.”

“Sound angry and smile?”

“Yes.”

“Torn between emotions, blackberry. I’m looking forward to the fight, but I’m a little pissed that you conjured up someone I already killed.”

“I have killed all of those we have fought so far.” She pointed out.

“Fair enough. Let’s go again!” My manic smile remained.

And so we did. Noir wanted a crack at the Dragon since I’d been the one to take it down in the first place. That, and she likes fighting Dragons more than any other race, so I was happy to sit back and watch where she was hitting him. Unlike most fights, Noir tends to take Dragon fights at the joints, like she was fighting a knight, though I couldn’t pay that much attention since I could hear some commotion coming from behind me. I figured that was our reinforcements, so I kept up the circle we’d formed again by singling out those of the enemy that were foolish enough to try and take Noir from her blind spots. One nearly got through my guard, but I broke down and used my telekinesis to kill him since it was fucking war anyways.

Once I broke the unspoken ‘No Magic’ rule, fucking fireballs of various sizes flew for five minutes straight. Noir dodged them easily and I dodged them with a bit of difficulty, occasionally getting a bit sooty by them passing, but never quite getting hit. They just moved too slowly for me, though their sheer volume was incredible. The Dragon had little enough to fear from the magic, but the soldiers decimated each other with poorly aimed magic and scorched a lot of their own allies, but that just made things easier for Noir and myself. When we were sure that the magic had stopped, I cleared out a wide swath of soldiers with my telekinesis, bisecting most of them and making the rest that were standing back up. I wondered for a second if this really was a simulation or if this was an alternate universe Noir had the ability to take me to and I just didn’t like that thought at all, so I stopped using my powers and went back to handing business the old fashioned way.

You put the stabby bit into the other guy and hope he doesn’t impale you in return, and that’s pretty much what I was doing, skillfully and luckily dodging a lot of blows from swords, thrusts from spears, and the occasional battleaxe that came out of fucking nowhere. It seemed like there were only a few of them among the ranks, but when they swung, I usually had to duck the horizontal blows, but when they started coming lower and lower, I decided that it was time to take out the axe guys first since I had the least amount of experience with them. I located one and let loose a barbaric yawp that grabbed her attention and pointed my shortsword at her, a direct challenge. She charged forth and swung hard and fast once she was in range, throwing a mighty diagonal blow that she chained into swing of various types.

If I’d had my dagger, I would have just rushed in and ducked her blows, but with my buckler, I was waiting for a chance to pull off a move that I’d been theorizing about in my head for sometime. On her next diagonal swing, I leapt into the air and smacked her axe with my buckler, making her lose power in the swing and as I was in the air, I rammed my knee into her chest and her knocked off balance. The mid-air parry had gone off pretty well and I was sure that I could have finished her before I touched the ground, but I needed to find someone else to practice on now. With that in mind, I charged, leading with my shield, but when I got within range, she threw me a cheeky grin and swung the haft of her axe at me, so I took the blow on my shield and spun low, taking one of her legs as I brought myself to a crouch. The axe-woman cried out and grabbed at her missing limb, so I put her out of her misery, guilt making me feel a little warm, but not in the good way. I felt embarrassed for effectively toying with her instead of taking her seriously as an opponent, which really just made me feel like an arsehole like no other. I looked around and saw that there weren’t really all that many people still willing to fight.

“Lay down your arms if you’re not prepared to die!” I shouted over the clamor of battle.

A lot of them just looked at each other until one stepped forward and laid his sword down. It was odd to see that he immediately disappeared, and among the ranks of those who still stood, more winked out of existence until roughly a third of their number stood. I hefted my sword, flipping it and catching it easily before flicking the leftover blood from the blade.

“Alright. You’ve made your choices.” I said more to myself than to the remaining combatants.

I picked someone to look at and charged, sidestepping his spear thrust like it was child’s play and beheading him handily with a practiced ease that only comes from lopping off limbs in combat. Still, those swings aren’t something that just any person can make and the fact that I was lasting this long in a battle with little to no help after Noir went off to do her own thing was good in my books. After finishing opponent after opponent in a few swings or just one, I broke out of the fray and into some empty space on the field that wasn’t as bloody. Turning around, I saw that the soldiers I’d cuth a path through were falling to their wound and that there just weren’t that many of them. Their red painted, thick cloth armors didn’t hide any of the blues from my side, so I assumed that I was going to have to thin the herd a little more, but when more soldiers started turning around to face me, more started tossing their weapons on the ground and disappearing. Twenty more men and women blinked out of existence and since this wasn’t much more than a skirmish, that meant that the attacking forces were halved. I walked through the bloodied grass towards the ring of soldiers that were still standing around Noir and saw that she was taking on two boss mobs at once.

A Nimble Gryphon was giving her a lot of trouble and a less nimble Naga was tanking blows while still throwing out some dangerous swings that Noir had to dodge perfectly to avoid. I decided to cut my way through the ring of soldiers and walked into the center, sheathing my sword before I threw my shield at the Gryphon. It was a well placed throw and hit it in the back of the head, stunning it long enough for Noir to get some distance. Once the Gryphon was ready to go again, I drew the Warbling Blade since I always kept it on my hip and conjured Nacht, pointing it at my new opponent. He glared at me and let loose and ear shattering screech that made my blood curdle in my veins, but I still bunkered down, waiting for his wing-assisted charge. When it came, I jumped and drop kicked him in the face since he was coming at me head first without a weapon. I received a good gash on the leg as payment, but it was better than being picked up and dropped from a staggering height.

We broke contact, but neither of us gave the other time to recuperate, getting right back into our one-on-one as fast as possible. The Gryphon outright had me on speed and dexterity, but that’s where my real strength shone. One never appreciates creativity and ingenuity in battle until they have to use it and once it’s there, execution is key. The Gryphon threw swipe after swipe at me, but I met his armored claws with Nacht and when he got to close, I swung back with the Warbling Blade, keeping the knife in a reversed grip so I had variety in my combos. It was a closely fought battle between speedsters, but I knew that I was going to lose if I didn’t let the creative juices flow through the fog of battle, so during his next volley of swipes, I threw the Warbling Blade into his side at close range, giving me just enough time to get what I needed to get done in my mind. He took another swipe at me and I dodged into his guard, grabbing his left claw and grimacing as his claws dug into my shoulder muscles, but all I needed to do was bring Nacht into his stomach. My plan worked until he impaled my left bicep with his right claws, preventing me from going any further as we both cried out in pain, which is where I got creative. He tried to peck me and I jumped, grabbing Nacht with my feet and shoving the rest of the blade into his stomach up to the hilt. The Gryphon let me go and pulled the Warbling Blade from his side, clumsily throwing it at me, but I rolled away and picked it up my rapidly numbing hands. We squared off one final time, glaring daggers at each other as he stumbled forth. We both knew that he was going to be done first, so I charged him, leaping into the air, stepping off of Nacht to bring my knee into his beak one last time.

The Gryphon fell, but he wasn’t getting back up any time soon, so I sheathed the Warbling Blade with my psychic tentacle and did the same with Nacht. My arms were fucking ruined, but I could still move the right one well enough to be a threat and hopefully my healing factor would kick in soon enough to stop the bleeding. Once I gave myself a chance to have a good look around, I saw that the rest of the soldiers were gone, but that there were a few of our own soldiers still standing. There were only a handful of them, but as I locked eyes with Noir, she just gave me a nod.

“That was well fought, Maximus. I have always been curious about how you would fair against that particular Gryphon.” She commented while walking over to me.

“If he wasn’t using claws, he would’ve got me.” I puffed, a little short of breath.

Noir shrugged. “They were his preferred weapons. He could have easily done away with our forces himself if we were not in a Phalanx. He was a good opponent for you.”

“What about that Naga? Did I stand a chance against him?” I asked, a little curious.

“As you might say in your earlier years, he would have ‘Rekt ur arse like Mandingo’.”

“That bad? Damn. I guess I got lucky.”

“Do not discredit yourself so easily. You made the right decision based on who I was focusing. You would have had to wrest his attention away from me anyway, and that Gryphon sized gnat was getting annoying.”

I rolled my eyes and healed my arms. “It’s nice to know that an opponent you find as terrifying as a gnat almost killed me.”

She placed a hand on my arm and I noticed that while her clothes were a bit torn, she wasn’t bleeding. “You often choose not to remember that I have had thousands of years to do nothing other than practice with a blade, bow, and various other handicraft.”

“Fair enough. Still, I’m willing to bet that you’re the most lethal thing with a blade in your hand.”

“I could very well be. Luna would not be able to stand against a full on assault from me and my magic was far more powerful than hers when I was in my prime. Celestia is simply not the warrior type, and there are precious few other Immortals that I know of who prefer a blade over magic. I, on the other hand, was born with barely more than an average amount of Unicorn Magic.”

I gave her a funny look. “So when did you get Dark Magic?”

She looked at me just as funnily until she snapped. “Ahh, I forgot that you did not even know that Alicorns were once a race in and of themselves. You see, some Alicorns are born with special kinds of magic. Celestia was born with more True Magic than Unicorn with little Dark, Luna with an equal balance of True and Unicorn, but with more Dark Magic than Celestia, and if I’m reading her correctly, Cadance has Love Magic instead of Dark and True Magic, and plenty of Unicorn Magic. I was born with more Dark and True Magic than Unicorn and my sister was my twin in both appearance and magical capacity. You, Max, are odd. Of course you have Dark Magic since it was my primary type, but you have True Magic as well. After you died at Fluttershy’s, a small amount was put inside of you and continues to grow. With time, you will also be able to do reality warping things, though I do not know where your abilities will lie, and frankly, I’m eager to see what you will receive.”

I was thoroughly confused. “Wait, so let me get this straight: True Magic has different forms, yeah?”

Noir nodded. “It does. Celestia and Luna share Celestial True Magic and Cadance has Love Magic.”

“Okay, that makes sense, I guess. So what was your True Magic based on?”

“Mine was Time itself. In reality, I could move time forwards or backwards in five minute bursts, which is a part of the reason I was such a capable general. Five minutes can make a world of difference on the battlefield.” Noir said proudly.

“And here you can speed things up or slow things down?”

“Yes. It is a direct consequence of my True Magic.”

“So I’m guessing your sister’s True Magic was Space.”

She nodded. “We were halves of a whole. When I gave up my physical being to allow the Alicorns to live on, my sister was able to pluck my soul from the Ether and bind it to hers by using her True Magic to rip a hole between the dimensions. She actually bound me by using Dark Magic since her True Magic had nothing to do with actual souls.”

“Which was all well and good, but Nightmare Moon was straight up evil.”

She nodded, sighing. “That she was. She did not save me because I was her sister, but for my magical power. She has always been slightly more powerful than me in magic, but with my power added to hers, she was nearly unstoppable until Discord took our- Her, throne.”

“How’d he do that? If Nightmare was as powerful as you say and was able to take Celestia AND Luna, then how did Discord get her?”

“Discord’s True Magic is pure Chaos. There is no way known other than the Elements of Harmony that can defeat him, and even then they do not last forever. Discord has been free for some time now, but Celestia fears that she cannot do anything against him. If he really desired it to be so, anyone who desired him gone would already be dead.” She shivered. “Can we speak on you own True Magic? I do not wish to speak that foul creature’s name anymore.”

I put a hand on her arm. “He can’t hurt you anymore, Noir. We’re on Earth right now. Talking about Discord here won’t bring him in through my window or anything, so if there’s ever a safe place to discuss him, it’s here.”

Noir looked from side to side, though I doubted that she meant to. “... I will tell you that he is the most wicked trickster there has ever been. When I traded my body for the lives of millions of Alicorns, he said that he would leave my people be. He honored his word, but he did not at the same time. He picked a young girl barely out of her pubescent period and a toddler to carry on the Alicorn name and from there, he wiped my people out. Nox was justified in trying to slay him, but I wish that she’d just left him alone…”

“Wait, is Nox Nightmare’s real name?” I asked.

“Yes. Nox was a male and changed herself into a female because she preferred the form.”

“So your sister is transexual. That’s… Well, it’s just odd. I know people on Earth switch genders, but I don’t think I’ve heard of anyone on Equus doing it. Well, not permanently.”

Noir raised a brow. “You do not understand how someone could bear changing their body for more than a few days.”

“I really don’t. I used to wonder what being a woman felt like, but I don’t think I could ever wrap my mind around being one for the rest of my life.”

Noir shrugged. “I loved Nox in whatever form she chose. When she asked to be called Nightmare, some people thought it was silly since ‘nightmare’ literally meant ‘mare of the night’. When Nox became evil and started spreading bad dreams, only then was the phrase coined.”

“I don’t know why the term was coined in my world, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t because of a literal horse of any kind.”

She shrugged again. “Look it up. You have the Google now.”

I thought about that. “Give me like, five seconds in here time.”

I closed my eyes, looked it up, and came back. “Alright, so it comes from the words ‘night’ and an Old English word called ‘Maere’ that means ‘incubus’, which is an evil spirit. Etymology is fun.”

Noir gave me a look that said ‘You fucking nerd’. “As you might say; ‘You fucking nerd’.”

“I knew you were going to say that.”

“That is why I said it. It fit the situation quite well.”

“Alright, if we’re done with this tangent, can we get back to the whole Discord thing?”

She shook her head. “We are moving on to your True Magic. What do you think it might be?”

I gave her a look but acquiesced. “I don’t know. I guess it might be time based since yours is-”

“It will not be. I know the way Time Magic develops since I myself had it, and yours is unique. I believe it will have something to do with the Heavens.”

“What makes you say that?” I asked.

“Here, we are allowed to speak of God freely, yes?” We looked around and I patted my chest.

“I guess we are as long as we’re on Earth.” I replied.

“Then I think that it is prudent for me to tell you that I believe you really did meet Him. If you are one of his chosen few, then I believe He may allow you some taste of His power.”

“Yeah, no. I don’t think He’s the type to share that with just anyone.”

Noir grinned. “And yet He allowed you to come back to Earth with powers that have only been seen in literature and movies. You could say that He has already given you a taste of His power.”

I shook my head. “If that’s the case, then you had a lot more of it then I ever will.”

“That’s not the case. True Magic only matures in Alicorns over the age of one hundred years. Your True Magic will be ready sometime soon, if it keeps developing at the same pace.”

“Seriously? I’m about to get more powerful? Why haven’t you told me about this!?” I asked, freaking out a little.

“I could not speak of it on Equus.” Noir said simply.

I ran my hands through my hair. It was probably the wrong time to realize that it was past my shoulders again and that it seemed to be growing faster and faster, but that’s not the important bit. “Fucking shite, woman! I just abused the everloving Christ out of the power I already have! What am I going to do with more of it!?”

Noir leaned down and tilted my chin towards her before placing her lips on mine. “Be calm, Maximus. You abused your power for a good cause. One that I do not agree or disagree with in particular, but still, a good cause. Your world will be better for it and you are quite conflicted over it now that you are actually thinking about it-”

I turned away from her and sighed. “That’s why I try not to think about it. If I could undo all of this… I don’t know. I wouldn’t because that would mean I endorse the most evil shit, but not reversing the damage I’ve caused mean people can’t fuck up big time anymore. It’s-”

“It is not even a contest. Would you truly allow people like Graham to run amok?”

I looked at her and beckoned her to come back down to my level for another kiss. “Thanks, Noir. I needed to hear that.”

“It’s rude to not answer questions.” She pointed out with a smirk.

“I wouldn’t. I’m getting Graham tomorrow, one way or another.”

“And I will be watching to see how you do it. I have been blocking anything regarding Graham from entering my mind since you pledged that you would claim your revenge.” She gave me a dark smile.

I returned it with an evil smirk. “I’m going to enjoy every second. I’m not even going to kill him.”

Noir covered her eyes. “Lalalala! Not listening!”

I poked her sides and she just gave me a look, so I tried to guess where her navel was and poked at it. I got it in two tries and Noir kicked me out of my mind so I could get some real rest, though I’d gone without sleeping for a week at this point. When I formed the Safe in Arms Coalition, I’d already known that I was going to be using my Soothsaying to get Graham, and I already knew exactly what I was going to do. It was going to add some years onto my sentence in Hell, but I was willing to suffer for my revenge.

I chuckled myself to sleep.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

When I woke up the next morning, I sent Will and Bea both a text and an email, just in case they had my number blocked. The email had the whole story of what Chief Graham had done to me and what I was going to do to him in turn, though I used an alternate email address so it couldn’t be traced back to me. With that said and done, I performed my morning ritual, said hello and goodbye to the maid staff, and made my way into town. It was a pleasant walk and I had a bounce to my step anyway.

By this time, everyone in town knew my face, and even if they didn’t, they’d probably heard of the cult leader with different colored eyes. I attracted quite a few stares as I practically skipped my way past my old corner store and the smoke shop I’d bought my first bong in. I wondered if Sinbad was still somewhere around, but it’s not like I remembered where I stashed him, so it was pointless to look. It was too late to consider visiting Will and Bea, so I walked past their flat with a little less bounce to my step, but once I cleared it, I was back to my sprightly self and wore a little smile as I passed some familiar faces. The Grisham Boys were posted up on a corner, so I decided to stop by and say hello.

“Mornin’ gents. How goes it?” I asked with a smile.

They looked at each other in turn. Dirk was actually the first one to speak which surprised the fuck out of me since he was the quietest one. “So you don’t go by Kaid no more at all, do ya?”

“They call me Rev most of the time.” I replied.

Dirk shook his head. “You ain’t the same guy we used to know.”

“Get raped and tortured and we’ll see how much of the person you used to be is left, mate. Graham fucked me up real good when he made me disappear.” I let my smile fade, but I was still in a great mood.

Jimmy stared at me. “Graham, the Chief, made you disappear for months?”

“Damn straight, mate. Took what he wanted, doled out his punishment, left me to die. That’s why I started this whole Safe in Arms thing, fellas. People like him need to hear that they can’t just do that to people.”

They all shut up and I shrugged before getting back to my walk. I started whistling for the fuck of it and enjoyed the hazy morning. It was a fitting day for a fitting punishment, all things said, and as I passed the Rubber Dutchman, I decided to stop in for a shot or two and a pint. Markus was wearily wiping down the counter when I came in. He looked up and some of the morning drinkers turned to give me a glance, and before I’d made my way over to the bar itself, I was being stared at by an awful lot of people.

I already had Markus’ attention, so I just spoke. “Can I get two shots of absinthe and a pint of Guinness?”

It took him a sec to register that I’d said something. “Kid, what the fuck?”

I looked at him blankly. “Is it too early for absinthe?”

He gave me an ‘Are you serious?’ kinda look. “Kid, half of my clientele came here for the extra service. Your little ‘message’ is costing me!”

“It’s not like you’re under Stefano’s thumb anymore, so chill, yeah? You’ll still have plenty of business for alcohol, so don’t stress about it. I don’t see why you would anyways. You used to tell me all the time that you wanted to get out of the under-the-table kinda shit anyway.”

He just shook his head and poured me a pint of Guinness from the tap. “Get your drink and get out. That bit of silver you gave me the other day’ll cover it.”

I grabbed the glass and cleared the froth before downing a quarter of it. “Will do, Markus. Good luck on whatever else you want to do.”

“Whatever, kid.” He went back to wiping down the bar like a stereotype of some sort and I sipped on my stout for a few minutes before downing the last quarter and leaving.

I liked that I could drink again, though I didn’t know whether or not it was a good thing. I realized that it had been a good thing that I hadn't gotten the absinthe I’d wanted, but I knew he didn’t keep any in stock anyway. Why ask in the first place? Well, a man can hope, can’t he? If he’s not allowed to hope, then what is he allowed to do? I played with that thought for a little while, but I was quickly coming to my destination and I was glad that I’d finally be able to get off of Earth and back to my real home in Ponyville. As the Constabulary came into view, I had to wipe the manic smile off of my face and control my breathing so I wouldn’t give anyone a reason to be suspicious.

When I walked into the place, I knew exactly where to go, but I had to follow the due process and be nice. The receptionist piggy recognized me immediately, however.

“Kaid Gadai? What are you doing here?” She asked. “You’re not here to turn yourself in or something, are you?”

I shook my head and chuckled. “No, love. I’m here to see Graham. You know me by Reverend Revenant, yeah?”

She glared at me. “Don’t call me love.”

I channelled some Dark Magic into my throat. “You’ll let me call you whatever I want, and you’re going to lead me through the station to Graham without passing through the metal detector. I have metal pins in me, so that’s why it would go off, yes?”

“Yes, Kaid.” She said blankly.

“Call me Revenant.”

“Yes, Revenant.”

I gave her a thousand watt smile. “Then what are we waiting for? Let’s go!” I hopped over the desk and she started leading the way.

I waved at every one of the rozzers I saw, though most of them didn’t bother waving back. It didn’t bother me one bit since I knew things were about to get real unpleasant for one man in particular real quick, so I kept up the cheer and let my head bob to an unheard tune, simply thrilled that my revenge was only meters away now. My hands trembled in glee and I swear I was starting to sweat out of sheer excitement, but it was only getting better. When the receptionist dropped me off at the door I’d gone through so long ago, I told her to wait a few minutes and walked in with my magic ready to go.

The moment was here. The tormentor locked eyes with the tormented and the roles were about to be reversed. Graham looked like he’d seen a fucking ghost and I looked like I was about to rip his fucking soul out. I can’t explain how sweet the moment was. No words can describe the sheer joy I felt from the fear and confusion on his face, but I knew that this was just the beginning. This was just the build-up. The climax was coming soon, but first I had to get my words out.

“You…” I said with my magically enhanced voice. “You will not scream. You will not beg for help. You will not leave this room until I leave, and even then, you will be mute. Am I understood?”

“I understand.” Graham replied blankly.

I cut off my magic. “It’s so good to see you, Alexander Graham. How have you been?”

Graham started shaking in his seat. “You’re dead.” He whispered.

“No, I’m not. I should be, granted, but the fellow with that needle… His serum worked. I can’t die, Alexander. Where is he?” I asked with Dark Magic.

“He’s dead. I killed him when his experiment failed two more times after your own.” He replied with a glassy look.

I cut the magic again. “Aww, too bad you’re not going to be joining him any time soon.” I couldn’t stop the smile. It hurt my cheeks, but it was frozen on my face.

“Y-You’re not here to kill me?” He asked, gaining some confidence.

“Nope. I could and there isn’t a single thing you could do about it, but that’s not why I’m here. No, what I’m about to do to you is so much worse.” I chuckled happily.

Graham was bolted to his seat, but I knew he was reaching for his gun, so I said, “You may not harm me. You may not make noise other than to answer my questions. Whenever someone talks to you other than me, you will answer with the sins you committed against me in full for the duration of your punishment.” I let the magic go.

“What are you?” He whispered.

“I’m the evil dead, Graham. I’ve come to claim you, but I can’t take your soul. No, I’m going to make sure that you get yours. Do you have anything to say to me before I give you your sentence?”

“Go to Hell, you bastard!” He said loudly, just shy of shouting.

I shook my head, the smile finally easing up a little. Once I was ready and had what I wanted to say in my head, I spoke thusly, “Alexander Graham: From the time I finish this edict, you will have ten years of nothing but absolute pain. No medicine will be able to ease your pain, and it will feel as if every bone in your body has been shattered, ground together, and set on fire. This feeling will radiate from every cell in your body, every molecule of your being, and when you go to cry out in pain, you will be denied that simple luxury. Your voice will only be heard when someone speaks to you, and then you must tell them everything you did to me and everything you did that even resembles what you did to me. You will repeat it five times before you are allowed to be silent again, and you will mention the names of all the people you have raped or killed. You will be allowed a single second of relief from your pain when you finish the list before it returns tenfold, and that pain never lessen, but it will compound over time. You are allowed eight hours of sleep a day, but you will see yourself being tortured in every way you know when you do sleep. You will eat food that will help you stay alive, but it will taste like hot charcoal in your mouth and burn as though it was hot coals as it travels through your system. You are not allowed to kill yourself. You are not allowed to ask someone else to do it for you. When someone touches you, the pain will increase twentyfold, but you will not be allowed to give any indication that it hurts more. For ten years from the end of this edict, you will suffer for your sins, and you will know that it was your own evil that brought you this pain. When your ten years are up, you must live for another ten and remember the pain you went through.”

While he was gaping, I remembered to address something he said. “Oh, and before I forget: I really have been to Hell Alexander. It gave me a few good ideas on what to do to you.”

I shut my mouth and smirked at him as his body went completely rigid, his mouth opening in a silent scream that made me laugh. Well, it was more of a cackle, but still, laughing all the same. I could have had an orgasm from the sheer relief, happiness, pleasure, and justification I was feeling, so I shut myself up as much as I could and went over to touch his face with the back of my hand, knowing that his Hell only grew hotter when I did so. He immediately spouted out my name and all the things he did to me, staring at me with eyes that felt like they went on forever, staring beyond what the Human mind could perceive. I sat there, giggling and poking him, making him restart the list over and over again until I left before I could be horrified about what magnitude of evil I’d just committed. I had to ask Celestia if she’d ever thought to do something on this scale to another person. Well, I could always keep this little tidbit to myself so no one thinks I’m a complete monster… Heh heh heh. Just writing this down makes me smile a mile wide.

After leaving the Chief’s office, I left the Constabulary right through the metal detectors, setting them off. Someone tried to stop me, but I just used Dark Magic to make them leave alone after a quick pat-down. With that, my work on Earth was done, so I decided to head back to the old Church and visit Noir to see what she thought of my punishment. The walk was quick enough since it only took about forty-five minutes, and when I got there, I sat in a pew and waited for Will to come see me since I had a feeling that he’d be there shortly after my arrival. I was wrong, so I went into my mind to see Noir.

I opened my eyes to find myself in a padded room. Noir was sitting on the floor, watching me. I strode on over and sat in front of her. “So? What do you think?”

“...That was pitch, jet, onyx, oil, empty vacuum of space, purest black evil, Max.” She said softly.

“Did he deserve any less?” I asked with a small smile.

She smirked at me. “If you can, do that to Discord.”

I gave her a toothy grin. “Only for you, babycakes. How corrupt is my soul because of that?”

“Oh, you’re evil now. Doing that to a person is worse than anything I could ever think of, and I used to torture people because it was practically my job.”

I sighed. “I figured. If you’re going to go one way or another, it’s best to go all the way, yeah?”

She shook her head. “Not really. Once you get back to Equestria, be sure to go back to your usual grey nature before someone puts you down or locks you away until they can.”

“That’s the plan, blackberry. I guess Earth just brings out the worst in a person.” I chuckled.

Noir teleported herself next to me. “I hope you stop your evil streak here.”

I laid my head on my shoulder. “I promise to you that I’ll only do something that evil to those who are deserving of it. Otherwise it’s back to being loveable, grey Max.”

She kissed my cheek. “I will lock you in your mind again if you start going fully evil. I promise you that.”

I reached out for her hand and she grasped mine. “I’ll hold you to it. Keep me until I’m back to grey, okay?”

“I will do my best to keep you happy until your heart and mind are ready to return to the world. I think you have done what you’ve come to do. Are you ready to return to Equus?”

“Ready as I was the day I got here.” I closed my eyes and rose from the pew.

Before I left, I set down the note I’d written for Will, though I addressed him as Max throughout it. I felt like I needed my brother to know one last thing before I left. I grabbed my bags, and once I was out of the church, my legs carried me through the forest and I swear I could hear multiple voices laughing as hard as I had been when I’d given my punishment to Graham. Their laughter was infectious and I found myself chuckling right along with them which made the voices guffaw like I was telling a raunchy joke of some kind. This went on for sometime until I felt my eyes close and a sudden shift in the breeze. It felt as though I was walking on a hard surface, but it had give to it, like I was walking on hard air or something, so I was tripping a little before I reopened my eyes and found that I was somewhere rather familiar on a path in a forest that was mine. My legs stopped moving for me and I came to a stop, but I just wanted to get to where I was going as soon as possible.

I looked up to the canopy of the Everfree and inhaled through my nose, taking in the smell of decay and fresh foliage, flowers and poisons, poo and scent markers. To the trees, I said, “I’m home.”

Chapter Forty: Welcome Home
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Forty: Welcome Home

Chapter Forty: Welcome Home

I strolled through the Everfree like I owned the place because, legally, I totally do, so go fuck yourself if you think that sounds arrogant. I would have stopped to see Noir before I got into Ponyville proper, but I wasn't about to risk having my fucking head bitten off by some passing creature and there I didn’t want to tax her by making her entertain me for awhile during a visit in a very dangerous place. Shit, I probably could have done it anyway, but hindsight is twenty/twenty and I wanted to get to Ponyville as soon as possible. Over the month I’d been on Earth, I pretty much forgot about Shadow Diving, so I didn’t do that. Don’t blame me for being forgetful: blame Earth for having adequate means of transportation and non-magical citizens.

As I walked through the Everfree, I ran into a few creatures that wanted to take a bite out of me, like a crocodile made of rocks that I’d never seen before. It was too heavy to throw with my telekinesis, and it was apparently a Kendani, so I couldn’t Soothsay it away, leaving me too options: smack it around, or try and remember if I still had that Dryad song thingy the Matron gave me. Yes, I remembered about that, but not the fact I could teleport. Fuck you for judging me.

While holding the crocodile thing down, I walked up to it and tried to think about the song thing, but no dice. I tried just singing a random song and the first thing I thought of was the song about ducks and grapes from Youtube. I could have been less retarded about it, but it really was the only thing I could think of. Thankfully, I was saved from singing such a silly song by the magic bullshit actually working, so when that was over, I let the thingamabob go and got on with my wonderful day.

I whistled the duck song to myself as I came to Steven Magnet’s river. I figured I would wait for him to show up since he had a great way of doing that. Well, I also didn’t want to get my electronics wet, so I just sat there waiting for about ten minutes before I realized that he was nowhere to be seen. I took out the memo pad I’d kept on Earth and added ‘See Steven Magnet’ to my list of things to do later after I got myself back home and settled in. I decided to stop being stupid and just used my tentacle as a hazy bridge to cross the river, and once I was over it, I knew that I was heading in the right direction. I let the clean, fragrant air wash over me as I came closer and closer to the edge of the Everfree, a smile touching my features as I went along.

The path out of the forest was clear and it only took me a few more minutes to reach to the edge of the place. When I was finally well and truly out, I took a moment to take Ponyville in, but something just seemed… Off, I guess. I remembered the scene I’d first seen when I came to Equestria pretty well, and this just wasn’t it. I was instantly certain that Ponyville had grown as a town while I was away and that just made me smile and shake my head. Mary had gotten what she’d wanted, and I was sure that the expansion would only continue if she had anything to say about it. With all of my standing around for the hour done, I took a step into the direction of my town and got blasted from my blindspot by something fast and blue.

When we came to a stop, I was a little salty. Rubbing my head, I said, “Oi! Fucking watch it!”

“Dude! Why the buck were you in the Everfree!?” A familiar tomboyish voice asked.

I’m sure we froze at the exact same time because I know we turned our heads just as slowly as the other.

“Again? Seriously?” I asked.

“Max?” Rainbow whispered.

“In the flesh, Blue Bean. What’s with you and tackling-” I only got so far before she tackled me.

Rainbow sat on my hips and pulled me up to her face by my jacket. “Where the buck have you been!?” She shouted in my face, shaking me violently.

I put my hands on hers to stop the shaking. “I’ll explain everything when I get you girls together, so knock it off, yeah?”

“Max, how the buck do you just disappear for a two years and expect somepony-”

Fucking what. “Rainbow, what the fuck did you just say?”

“That’s right! You’ve been gone for two years!” She glared at me. “I bet you were just having the time of your bucking life, weren’t you!? Making everypony worry about you-”

I grabbed my head and leaned back, so Rainbow let me drop. “Two fucking years… I was barely gone a fucking month…”

Rainbow put two and two together. “What do you mean a month!? Max, you’ve been gone so long, everypony thinks you’re dead!”

I groaned. “Aww fuck!” I shouted, startling Rainbow. “Look, get off me. Once I get home and get settled in, I’ll start getting the girls together and explain everything, okay? I promise, Rainbow, I didn’t mean to be gone so fucking long.” My anger built again rapidly. “Goddammit!”

Rainbow got off and squatted next to me. “Dude… Are you okay?”

“Physically? Yeah. Mentally? Sorta. Emotionally? I just hit in the fucking face with a ten tonne brick, Rainbow.” I sat up and buried my face in my hands, my worries overriding my happiness from finally being home

I don’t know what the fuck I thought. A town as small as Ponyville couldn't afford to expand as fast as I assumed, and I knew that the time dilation was a real factor, but I thought I’d been gone for a few months at most. Max had told me that I’d disappeared sometime in early October and I’d come back in during the middle of January, so that told me I’d only been gone three and a half months to the ten or so odd ones I’d been in Equestria. It just didn’t make any fucking sense! I’d only been there a month, which should have equated to like, two or three here in Equestria! I’d been gone longer on the assassination mission, which was the entire reason why I’d stayed so long after getting the SIAC founded and started. Sure, I wasn’t expecting God to throw me- Aww fuck. I’m certain that this is punishment for not going when I was supposed to! Petty bastard cock sucking mother fucker!

Before I get myself sent to Hell on general purpose for cursing at a God who I know is a petty fucker, I need to get back to what happened. After I said the brick thing, Rainbow tentatively put a hand on my shoulder.

“...I dunno what to tell you dude. I guess I’m gonna go home for now. When you get that letter sent, I’ll be the first one over.”

“Yeah. Thanks. Don’t tell anyone I’m back yet.”

“Why not?” She asked testily.

“Because I just don’t want you to. If they’re angry at me, then I want to experience it first hand. If they’re happy to see me, then I want the same. Either way.”

“...So you’re just gonna let ponies be mad at you for something I don’t think you even had control over?”

“I’ll tell them when I see them. If I don’t take this on the chin then it’s-” I thought of something, so I lifted my face from my hands and looked at Rainbow. “Wait, is my house still there?”

She nodded. “Yeah. Princess Celestia has it cordoned off. A lot of ponies are starting to think it’s haunted.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank… Well, not God right now because fuck that guy, but maybe Uror? I could just thank Celestia. I’ll thank her when I see her, actually.”

“I feel like you explained who that God guy was awhile ago.”

“I did. I’ll see you in a bit, Rainbow. I’m gonna go get Fluttershy out of the way so I can see her and Nashoba.”

“You do that, dude, but I think you should go see Twilight first.” Rainbow suggested.

“I’m saving the best for last.” More like saving the most emotional for last.

“...You’re totally just putting it off because she’s going to kill you, aren’t you?”

“...I don’t want to see her cry, Rainbow.” I admitted.

“Then I guess I’ll go tell everypony to keep quiet about her for today. Give me like, five minutes to get to Fluttershy and I’ll hit Applejack next. Pinkie and Rarity are gonna have to be last, so try and work that way, alright?”

“Thanks I think. Why are you trying to keep quiet about her?” I asked, scratching my head.

“Dude, some big stuff has happened while you’ve been away and I want you to see it for yourself.” She answered cryptically.

I gave her a look, but she seemed resolute. I shook my head and said, “Do what you gotta do.. You’re faster than me anyway, but don’t mention that I’m coming around, okay?”

“That kinda rhymed.”

“Rainbow, seriously.”

She saluted. “I gotcha! Nopony’s gonna know you’re here until you show your face!”

I nodded. “Thank you. If someone isn’t home, I want you to tell them that someone’s looking for them and that they should be by soon. Don’t mention who, just that someone is.”

“Dude, you’re so sneaky! Is this why you’re good at pranks?” She asked in hushed tones.

“It’s finesse, not… Well, it’s a bit of both really. You could say that, I guess.”

“We’re totally pulling pranks when you're on your feet again! Pinkie Pie’s been down since the funeral thing-”

My blood ran cold. “Funeral?”

Rainbow pursed her lips and looked away, rubbing the back of her head. “...We thought you were dead. I said that.” Well guess who wasn’t paying attention?

“Awwww shiiiiiiit!” I groaned. “That’s gotta be the worst setta’ words I coulda fuckin’ heard!”

Rainbow pursed her lips off to the side. “Hey, you could always be actually dead.”

I glared at her. “...Go see Fluttershy before you tell me Twilight started dating someone else.”

She raised a brow at me and my heart fell before she said, “Yeah, that’s not happening, dude. I’d say more, but that’d be telling you about Twilight.”

“Alright, now go before I choke you for letting me think Twilight moved on to someone else.”

Rainbow got up and got gone, so I figured I could spend some time with Noir while I was waiting. Since I was out of the Everfree, I was pretty safe, so I crossed my legs and did the usual shit. When I opened my eyes, I was immediately assaulted by Noir in the form of a very jiggly, quite pleasant hug. She told me that she’d missed me again and I told her that it had only felt like a couple of hours to me. Noir switched tactics from being happy to see me all over again and went with consoling me about being gone so long. Even to her who’d been counting the days, things just didn’t make any sense. There had to be something sketchy going on in my mind as well, otherwise something just didn’t make any sense. If it had only been weeks, then it shouldn’t be this fucking long. Noir and I realized at the same time that she’d been passively altering time while crossing the border between the worlds, but we just didn’t know why that had happened. What was only weeks to her and minutes to me were entire years in Equestria. After that learning that my homecoming wasn’t necessarily going to be a happy one, I asked Noir if she wanted to blow a few hours watching a movie or something and she picked The Guardians Of The Galaxy because she liked Gomorrah.

We watched the movie, but my heart really just wasn’t into it. Noir sensed that pretty quickly and told me to just go and get my visits over with, so I apologized for being such a sad sack, but she just gave me a peck on the cheek and told me that learning about one’s own death was a hard thing to face. One slow blink later, I was back in front of the Everfree and I had to head towards Fluttershy’s place. I did so quickly so I could rip off the five super-glued band-aids off as quickly as I could, but when I got to the back of Fluttershy’s cabin, Nashoba was already waiting for me outside. I gave her a wave and she just stared me down as I grew closer, scaring me a little bit. When I was standing in front of her, she had something to say.

“You’ve been gone for some time, Max.”

I nodded. “So I’ve heard. In my defense, it was only a month in my time.”

“Everyone thinks you’re dead.” She stated simply.

“...I know. Can I have a hug?”

“I would be offended if you tried to talk to the Broodmother without giving me one first.”

I knelt down and gave her the hug. “I missed you, Nashoba. Five weeks never felt so long.”

“You should try two years sometime. I knew you would return, I just didn’t know when.” She said softly.

“Thanks for believing in me. If you want to head to my house when I call Fluttershy over, you’re welcome in my home like always. Just don’t be a bitch and gloat about being right, okay?” I let go of her.

She tilted her head at me and her eyes sparkled. “But Max, I am a bitch.”

I gave her a look. “Not your definition, my definition.”

“My definition is the correct one. Yours is flawed.”

“See? You’re already being a bitch.”

“But Max, I am a bitch. How could I be anything other than what I am?”

“Shut up and come on. We’ve gotta go see Fluttershy and get this crying done so I can go get hurt by Applejack.” I sighed.

“Still the masochist, I see. I look forward to your pain.” She jested. I rose and patted her head.

“If I’m a masochist, you’re a sadist.” I said, walking towards the front of the house.

I had Nashoba go in first and listened for her to start talking to Fluttershy. When I heard Fluttershy’s soft voice above the breathing and heartbeats of tiny animals, I let myself in and walked into her living room. She flinched at the creaking of her door, but when she saw me, her eyes narrowed and her brows furrowed before she exposed the whites of her eyes.

“M-Max?” She said so softly, even I could barely hear her.

“Wotcher Fluttershy. I’ve heard it’s been a long time.” I said patiently.

She slowly walked over, leaving Nashoba behind to come stand in front of me. Fluttershy poked my chest a few times and looked into my eyes. “You’re here… You’re- You’re alive…”

I gave her a hug and squeezed her tight. “I missed you, poppet. I didn’t mean to be gone for so long, but I’m back.”

Fluttershy stood stock still in my arms for a few moments before returning my hug. She weeped softly into my shirt and I held her for awhile, stroking her hair and secretly enjoying the feeling of her funbags squishing against me. Before you call me an arsehole, keep in mind that we were standing there for a good twelve minutes before she finally calmed down enough for me to let her go.

“W-Why? Why were you gone so long?” Fluttershy hiccupped.

“I’ll explain everything when I get the girls together, okay? Just know that I didn’t want to be gone this long. Please don’t ignore that.”

Fluttershy looked at me, her expression telling me that she wanted me to answer all of her questions then and there, but she just nodded. “O-Okay.”

“Thank you. I’ll send you a letter when I’m finished with reuniting with everyone and we’ll all meet up at my house.” I promised.

“Y-Your house i-is locked up…” Fluttershy said.

“I’ll find a way to unlock it. It’s my fucking house, after all.”

She gave me a wavering smile and tapped my chest with a fist. “I-I…” She shook her head, but the words wouldn’t come.

I touched my forehead to hers. “It’s okay, Fluttershy. I’m okay, and nothing bad happened to me. I think you’ll be proud when I tell you what I got accomplished, so just keep that in mind, okay?”

“...Rainbow told me that I can’t say anything about Twilight today…”

“I asked her to tell all of you girls that. Whatever happened with Twilight, I’ll see for myself.”

Fluttershy nodded and put her hands on my chest. “T-The sooner you see Twilight…”

“I understand. I’m saving her for last, so don’t tell her I’m back, okay?”

She tilted her head and frowned. “Why?”

“If she’s angry, then I want to take the brunt of it. If she’s happy, I want to see that too.” I answered simply.

Fluttershy shook her head at me and tried pushing me out the door again. “Just go and see her quick, okay?”

I gently pushed her hands away and knelt, touching her shadow and falling into it. When I surfaced, I was behind Applejack’s couch. Yes, I didn’t remember about the Shadow Diving thing until Fluttershy told me to be quick about it. Get the fuck off my back, okay? Either way, I was still in Applejack’s house, and the first person I saw was Granny Smith since she was sitting on the couch doing some needle point. I crept away and tried to get to the door as quietly as I could.

“I felt ya when ya came in, sonny. Ya wanna tell me how a Unicorn just teleports into somepony’s home and don’t say nothin’ to nopony?” Granny chided, not taking her eyes off her work.

“You know, I’m not exactly a Unicorn.” I said slowly.

Granny stopped cold and looked at me. “Dear Celestia…”

“I’m not a ghost!” I said quickly.

“That’s exactly what a ghost would say!” Granny shouted, pointing her needle at me.

“Seriously you old bat! Chill out before your heart explodes or something!”

Granny just stared at me, blinking rapidly. “I must really be losin’ it.”

“I’m not one to punch many old ladies, but you might just have to be like, the third or fourth one. You know, I don’t really keep count.” I scratched my head. “Do you consider people that are thousands of years old but look young to be old?”

“Well, they’re still older than me.” She pointed out.

“Then you’d be the fifth. I’ve punched Celestia and Luna, I think, and I know I knocked out two old ladies back on Earth. Come to think of it, I’m just a prick in general, aren’t I?”

“Yup, you’re definitely real. I’m guessin’ you’re here to get whooped by AJ for bein’ dead?”

I sighed hard. “Pretty much. I don’t wanna get hit, but I’m sure I’m going to whether I want to or not.”

Granny nodded. “She’s in the barn if you wanna talk to her.”

“...I know it sounds rather cowardly, but you you call her here with the triangle thing on the porch?” I asked meekly.

“Do it yourself, ya foal.” Granny huffed.

“Seriously, I’m thought to be dead for how long and you’re just going to let me get beat up?”

“Eeyup.”

“Evil old bag.” I muttered under my breath.

I headed outside and rang the triangle thingy a few times, waiting for Applejack to show her face. After a minute or two, she came out of the barn covered in straw, trying to brush the majority of it off as she walked. She actually made it onto the porch before she ever actually looked at where she was going, and even then I had to catch her before she opened the farmhouse door.

“What, no hello?” I asked.

Applejack looked at my hand and followed it up to my face. “Huh. Must be hotter in the barn than I thought.”

“You can’t hallucinate something this handsome, firefly.” I said with a smirk.

She blinked. “...Max?”

“My name’s getting asked more than said today. It’s a weird feeling.” I commented.

The orange cowgirl poked me. “Yup, feels real. You even got the accent down pat, but I’m still gonna break your jaw.”

I backed up. “Whoa now, I’m real! I’m the real me! Honest, I swear!”

She rolled her eyes at me. “If ya really think I’m just gonna let ya get away with posin’ as my dead friend, ya got another thing comin’. I’m gonna hurt ya for this.”

“You are way too calm about all this. Like, you’re scaring the fuck out of me right now, firefly.” I backed away slowly.

She rolled her sleeves up and our eyes met for the first time. I saw absolute fury within the placid green. “You keep callin’ me firefly, I’m just gonna break more stuff on ya.”

“Alright, ask me anything. anything. Something that only we would know, like what the first time we cuddled was like, or- or like how the first threesome we had with Fluttershy went!”

“So you’re either Pinkie or someone Pinkie told Max’s journals to. That’s a leg.” She stalked toward me and I knew that I was going to have to play dirty.

“You ~~licked Fluttershy’s arse~~ the first time we were together! You specifically asked me to leave that out of my journal and I did!”

Applejack turned bright red. “Wait, what?”

I evened out my breathing. “Don’t hold that against me. I really did leave that out of my journal and I promise it won’t make it in this time either.”

The farm girl just looked at me. “If you’re really Max, then where the buck have you been?”

I looked at her sadly, even though I was filled with relief. “Earth, firefly. I’ve been on Earth.”

She started walking toward me and drilled holes into my head to the best of her ability. “The Princesses said... But… They said you’d be back soon.”

“On Earth, I was only gone a month. Rainbow told me that I’ve been gone for two years.” I explained.

Applejack still slapped my shit. “Why did you go back in the first place!?”

I held my cheek. “I’ll explain everything when I get you girls together so we can talk, okay? Just don’t kick my arse over something I couldn’t control.”

She took her hat off and ran a hand through her hair, turning around and pacing the width of the porch. “Max, do you even know what you put everypony through? What you put Twilight through?” She stopped suddenly and looked at me, her shoulders slumping.

I felt my eyes well up. “I would have come back sooner if I could have. I promise, when I put everything on the table, you’ll see I’m just a pawn, AJ. This wasn’t my fault.”

Applejack set her jaw and brushed a thumb across one eye. “You keep tellin’ yourself that.”

That pissed me off a bit, but when Applejack went to the barn, there just wasn’t that much I could do to assuage her anger. I knew that she wasn’t going to see my side until the full story was out there, or at least, as much of it as I could get out without divine interference. With a heavy heart, I used my own shadow to get to Rarity’s shop, specifically into the closet where she kept her failed creations. I tried the door and it was locked, so I knocked a few times and waited, rubbing my head from where I’d rammed it into a rack while trying to get to my feet. After a few minutes and a fair bit of knocking, Rarity finally opened the door.

I waved at her. “Hullo, bonny.”

She waved back, wide eyed. “Hi.”

“As much as I like being in the closet, I’d like to come out. You know, if it’s no trouble.”

Rarity stepped out of the way and I stretched. “Wow! That was the best nap I’ve had in years! What time is it?”

Snow White looked at the clock above her work station. “Two thirty-three.”

I gave her an odd look. “Really? I could’ve sworn it was two thirty-five went I went in. What is today, by the way?”

She stared at me. “...If you tell me that you’ve been asleep in my closet for twenty three months, I’m going to hurt you. No, I might actually try to kill you. I would sully my hands with your blood for that.”

I knew she was dead serious. “I haven’t been sleeping in your closet. I was hoping that humor would soften the blow a bit since Fluttershy ended up crying and Applejack was about to beat me to death, but I see that I was wrong. I apologize.”

Rarity tilted her head. “Give me one reason why I shouldn’t be doing either of those things. Rather, why shouldn’t I be doing both?”

“Because when I explain that I was only gone for a month in my time, surely you’ll see that I don’t deserve to be beaten to death. Rainbow Dash had to tell me that I was gone for two years, Rarity. I didn’t even know until she ran into me outside of the Everfree.” I assured her.

Rarity took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Surely you understand that I’m overjoyed and furious beyond words at the same time, yes?”

“Well, I’m handsome and infuriating, so I guess those extremes are quite possible.”

“If you were this blase regarding your two year disappearance with Fluttershy and Applejack, then I understand their reactions all the more.”

“I really wasn’t. You now I hate repeating myself, and I’m dreading seeing Twilight pretty hard at this point, so I’m trying to keep my spirits up by making light of it with someone who can control themselves.”

Rarity came over and slapped me lightly. While her hand was on the follow through, she came in for another with a savage backhand. “Be happy I’m stopping there. A lady must never lose her composure, after all.”

I rubbed my other cheek now. “Applejack slaps harder, but yours hurts worse.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I’ll send you a letter when I get home so we can get on with this explanation.”

“If you’re at fault in any way, I’m castrating you.”

“I’m glad I’m blameless in all this. Hell, you’ll probably be proud of what I did while I was away.”

“You’d better hope so, Maximus. You’d better hope.” Rarity said softly.

I nodded. “Then I’ll see you in about an hour. I’ve gotta go see Pinkie next.”

Rarity said nothing, but she did gesture for me to use the front door this time, so I did as her motions implied. It was a quick walk over to Sugarcube corner, but I was garnering plenty of stares while I did. I recognized Trixie out of the crowd of people that was slowly gathering to follow me, so I started walking toward the mass of Ponies, but she stood still and waited for me to get close before she threw her arms around me.

“Please please please tell Trixie that you’re real!”

I hugged her back. “Hullo to you too, Trix.”

She looked up at me and hugged me tighter. “Trixie thought you were dead! Everypony thought you were dead!”

“As you can see, I’m not. I’ll send you a letter later and have you come to my house when I’m finished with seeing the girls again. All I need you to do for now is to not tell Twilight that I’m here, okay? Please just don’t do that. She’s the last of my friends I need to see and I still need to talk to Mum.”

“Anything! Trixie won’t say a word!” She turned around and looked at the crowd before amplifying her voice with magic. “This is a secret! Nopony is to know about his return, okay?”

There were nods from the crowd and I just gave Trixie a ‘Not bad’ kinda look. “Not bad. That was a lot more effective than me just shouting at people.”

She smiled and cleared her tears. “Trixie has much to tell you when we have the time, but please hurry to Mother’s shop. She needs to see you.”

That’s not worrisome. “I’ll do that right after I’m finished with Pinkie. I look forward to hearing what all’s gone on while I’ve been away. Thank you for not hitting me, by the way. Some people think I just disappear because I feel like it.”

Trixie nodded. “You will explain everything when it’s time. Trixie hopes that time is today.”

I hugged her again. “It’s about an hour away, Trix. Just hold on and I’ll answer your questions, okay?”

She nodded. “Trixie will hold you to that. Please talk to Mother though, okay? Trixie believes she is the one who needs to see you most.”

I nodded my agreement and she stood there, watching me as I went toward Sugarcube Corner, which was a little creepy in my book, but I figured that she was just happy to have me back. Speaking of emotions, Pinkie Pie was not necessarily happy to see me. When I walked into the bakery, she gave me a womanly look and set her hands on her hips.

“Well well well! If it isn’t Mr. Tardy Pants! What took you so long, Max?” Pinkie asked irritably.

“Time dilation.” I replied.

She let one hand fall and scratched her head. “Oh. I guess that makes sense. Otherwise, how would you have only been gone for a month, but have it be two years here? I should have thought about that more during your funeral.”

I shrugged. “It’s fine. I’m guessing you tried to tell everyone that I was just fine and that I was still coming back?”

“Yup! I’m one of the few ponies that held out for ya!” Pinkie beamed at me.

Something random crossed my mind. “Don’t tell me it’s because I still owe you that favor.”

“I won’t say it was, I won’t say it wasn’t.” Her smile turned sultry and she did a little twirl. “Don’t you think I’ve filled out a little bit?”

I actually paid attention and saw that she had, in fact, gone from a flat A-Cup to a small B-Cup. “Wow, you actually did. What did you do to your diet?”

“I added more milk!”

“Yeah, sure. I totally understand that.” I nodded sagaciously.

We just looked at each other for a moment. “Welp. You’ve said hi to me. Go get Twilight and Blueberry done so you can tell us about your Siyack thing!”

“Will do, Pinks. Thanks for not being mad at me.”

She gave me a look and her hair flattened slightly. “I knew what you were doing the whole time, Max. The Siyack thing was pretty good in my books, but what you did to Graham was something Pinkamena wishes she could do, and that’s not good. That’s not good at all.”

I nodded. “Let’s keep the dark stuff between us, yeah? It’s already a kick in the teeth to have me back. Let’s not add me being pretty damned evil to the list of things for people to hold against me.”

“Oh, we’re talking about it, but it’s going to stay between me and you.” Pinkie said with finality.

“And so it shall be.” I sighed.

“We can do it after the little session! If you don't think about it too hard, it won’t be that weird!” Pinkie gave me a thousand watt smile.

I just chuckled and shook my head. “I’ll see you later, Pinkie. Might be a little late, but I’ll keep that promise.”

She waved me off and I made the second hardest part of my trip. Blue’s shop was just down the street from Sugarcube Corner, so I didn’t have all that much time to think about what I was going to say before I said it, but when I got to Blue’s shop, something just felt wrong about it. Her name was still on the sign, but when I walked in, the mare behind the counter just didn’t seem like the woman I’d known. Blue was staring off into space, her hand providing a rest for her head that held more greys than I remembered. She seemed like she’d lost a fair amount of weight, so I was a little numb when I walked in, my eyes locked on her. I actually bumped into someone on my way in, but I wasn’t paying attention, though I vaguely remember hearing them gasp.

When I stood in front of the counter, my voice was a little weak. “Mum?”

She blinked and twitched a bit, so I reached out to stroke her mane. “Mum. It’s Max.”

Blue snapped out of her reverie and glared at me until she got a good look at me. “Dear Celestia… Is it… Is it really that time?” She seemed to grow a little happier.

That sent chills down my spine. “Time for what?”

She grabbed my hands and gave me a smile. “Time for me to join you! I was so lost when you died, Max, but now we can be-”

“Mum, what in the bloody fuck are you talking about?” I asked softly, brushing her cheek with my hand.

“You’re not here to take me to the afterlife?” My Mum whispered.

I felt my heart break. “N-No, of course not! I’m alive! You’re alive! Nobody’s dead!”

She just barked out a laugh. “Then this is just another cruel delusion.”

I couldn’t control myself and smacked her across the face, making her eyes go wide. “Did that feel like a fucking delusion!?”

Blue slowly turned her head and looked at me, the mania clearing from her eyes like I’d slapped it out of them. “M-Max?”

I took a few steps back and vaulted over the counter. Well, I tried to and ended up hooking my foot on the edge, making me fall on my face and hurt my pride, but precious little else. I got back up with a bright blush on my face and tears in my eyes, hugging my mother once I was standing properly.

“I’m back, Mum. I really am.” I said shakily.

Blue squeezed me tight and started bawling her eyes out. “I-I can’t believe it! They said you were gone!”

“I was on Earth, my home planet. I promise I’ll explain everything to you, I swear. I never… I… Mum, I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” I shed tears of my own to match hers.

She let me go and cupped my face in her hands, wiping away my tears. “Don’t you be sorry for a minute, baby. Momma’s here for you, okay?”

My voice was so thick it was hard to speak. “But-”

“It’s okay, baby. You’re home now. You’re finally home.” Her lips quivered and she blinked back tears.

“...How am I ever going to forgive myself for putting you through that, Mum? You were ready to go.” My voice cracked.

Blue just gave me a sad, tear stained smile. “Don’t you blame yourself for a moment, Max. You said that you would be back, and I just didn’t have enough faith in you. So few ponies did, and…” She looked away from me and let her hands fall. “I’m sorry I let myself get to this point. I’m sorry I didn’t believe in you.”

I gripped her shoulders. “How could anyone expect you to be okay after losing two sons, Mum? When the Princesses said that I was gone, how were you supposed to know better than them? I don’t blame you, not for a second. I’m just glad that you’re still here for me to come back to.”

Her eyes met mine again and she hugged me one more time. We stood there for a long time, trying to give each other some semblance of comfort.. “I love you so much, baby. Please, please, don’t leave me like that again.” She murmured.

“I swear I won’t, not if I can do anything about it.” I promised, holding her close.

Someone coughed and we just looked at them. The lady stood there awkwardly for a moment. “...This is a bad time.”

“I’m seeing my son for the first time in two years after thinking he was dead. You couldn’t have picked a worse one.” Blue sighed.

I let my Mum go. “Moment over. I’ve got to go talk to Twilight next, and before you say anything, I need to see what’s changed about her for myself, so no spoilers.”

Blue nodded a couple times and wiped the rest of her tears from her eyes. “You better come back.”

“Actually, I want you to come over to my place when I send you a letter. I’ve got some explaining to do.” I said grimly.

“Baby, I don’t even care why you were gone. I’m just so glad you’re back.” She gave me a smile that warmed my aching heart.

I kissed her forehead. “Still, I owe it to you and my friends. I’m sorry for visiting you second to last, but if I’d known that you were so…” I trailed off.

“Depressed?” She offered sadly.

The interrupting twat opened her mouth.

I looked at the lady and held up a finger. “If I’d known, you would have been first.”

“It’s okay, baby, it really is. I’ll see you soon.” Blue kissed my cheek, but neither of us wanted me to go anywhere.

I eventually took a deep breath and made myself leave before I could break down again. It hurt knowing that losing me had made Blue so depressed and slightly psychotic that seeing visions of me were a normal thing, but what really hurt was knowing that I might have been able to prevent her from being so willing to die. I tried not to dwell on it during the short trip to the Treebrary, but it was eating me up already, but I couldn’t afford to swallow the pain unless I wanted to damage my mind even more. It was like I’d stuck myself in the chest with a blade, knowing that my disappearance had such an effect on her. As I stood on Twilight’s stoop, I pledged to never cause Blue so much pain again, and as I knocked, I hoped that Twilight wasn’t in a similar state.

When Spike saw me, his jaw dropped. My eyes widened. The guy was up to my chin now when he’d been short as fuck a month ago, but then I reminded myself for the hundredth time that I’d been gone two years. We stood there staring at each other for a good minute with him rubbing his eyes and me blinking a few times.

“Wotcher.” I said blankly.

“Sup.” He said just as blankly.

“Spike! Who’s at the door?” Twilight called from inside the library.

We both looked toward the living room, and when we looked back at each other, I held a finger to my lips and Spike nodded. “We have a visitor!” He called back, his voice considerably deeper than when I’d last heard it.

I followed Spike in and ignored the decorative changes completely. Twilight called out again. “I know we have a visitor! Who is it?”

“Chill, Twilight! You’ll see in a second!” He looked back at me and made the ‘yapping’ gesture with his hand.

“Keep giving me attitude and I’ll ground you!” Twilight threatened.

Spike and I turned the corner. “Yeah Spike, quit being like me and follow your sister’s example. How many times have I told you that I’m not a good role model?” I asked loudly.

Twilight saved her page in her book and looked up, raising a brow at me. I noticed that she had her half of our book in her hand. “Seriously, did you think I wouldn’t feel your presence, Max?”

“I was hoping for a pleasant surprise or maybe a tear filled reunion-” I started.

Twilight teleported over, grabbed my hair and brought my lips to hers rather forcibly. I thought it was incredibly hot in the moment and I lost myself rather quickly in our kiss. Then Twilight slipped me a little tongue and pulled away.

“How was that for a pleasant surprise?” She asked flirtatiously.

I pursed my lips. “If you want to go for a really pleasant surprise, we could try it again. I’m not expecting it at all.”

My lover rolled her eyes. “You’re really not in any position to make demands, amour.”

“It’s not a demand, it’s a suggestion.” I pointed out.

Twilight grabbed my arms and squeezed. “It’s been two years and all you want to do is kiss?”

Spike gagged. “Nope, I’m outta here. Catch me at Apple Bloom’s.”

We watched as he left and Twilight dragged me over to the couch, but I put up some resistance when I realized that she had fucking wings. “Twilight.”

She looked back. “Yes, amour?”

“Are you an Alicorn now?” I asked Dumbly.

“And a princess, but I don’t really do much. We can take turns with questions, but I want some cuddle time as of two years ago. You’ve got a lot to make up for.” She wagged a finger at me.

I allowed her to drag me onto the couch and position me how she wanted with magic. It was a little strange, but she basically had me splayed against the arm of the couch so she could lie on my chest. “You know, I’m pretty shocked that you’re taking the whole being gone for two years thing so well.”

She shrugged. “You said you would come back.”

“...Wow…” I murmured.

Twilight looked up at me. “Wow what?”

“You still had faith in me, even when everyone stroke Pinkie thought I was dead. Hell, even my own Mum thought I was gone for good.” Frankly, I’m still a bit shell shocked.

She spread her hands. “You said you’d never lie to me and you haven’t.”

“Dear non-sucky deities, do I ever fucking love you, cherry.” I chuckled, wrapping my arms around her.

“I love you too amour.” Twilight sighed. After a moment of basking in the familiar feeling of cuddling, she asked, “So I take it you saw Blue today?”

“Yeah.” I answered. Nice feeling wavering.

“Trust me when I say that she took it the hardest. Sure, I doubt the girls are terribly happy with you at the moment since I was pretty torn up when you didn’t come back after six months, but I got over it. Blue still hasn’t really gotten over it.” Twilight told me.

I sagged against the seat. “...Yeah. I know. She thought I was coming to take her soul to the afterlife.”

Twilight lifted my hand to her mouth and kissed it. “What about now? I’m sure you wouldn’t just let it lie there.”

“...I snapped and smacked her.” I admitted, guilt twisting my stomach into knots.

“But did smacking her get your point across?” Twilight asked casually.

“Well, yeah. She couldn’t really call me a delusion after that.”

“Then you did better than myself and Trixie. I’m not going to say I agree with that, but if it works…” She shrugged.

“Are you really saying I should hit depressed people?” I asked incredulously.

“If you think it’ll snap them out of it, maybe. I don’t agree with hitting ponies in the first place, but you don’t know how many times I tried to give Blue hope, to tell her that you were coming back. I actually had dinner with her and Trixie the other day, and she broke the last bit of hope Trixie had. Which reminds me, have you seen her already?”

“I have. I told her that I’d get all the girls together and explain what happened back at my house.”

“Are you planning on doing that?”

“Yes, actually. I was expecting there to be more crying when we finally saw each other again, so I’m switching crying time to cuddle time.”

Twilight patted my leg. “Cuddle time later. I want to hear about what you’ve been up to these past two years.”

“Well, for starters, I’ve only been gone for a month on Earth. Speaking of, why don’t the girls know that I went back to Earth?”

Twilight flipped over, putting her hands on my shoulders with her knee in a very dangerous area. “To answer your question, Celestia’s rather ashamed of the fact that she was controlled into sending you off in the first place, so she asked me to keep your destination a secret. To address the other thing: You bucking what?”

I blinked. “Yeah, the time dilation between worlds is ridiculous, though I think the thing that made Celestia send me off in the first place punished me for not going back to Earth when we went to Bridleland.”

“...So you were only gone for four weeks?” Twilight asked.

“Five, but I got a lot accomplished while I was there if that makes it any better.”

Twilight pouted. “Well that’s not fair at all. How is making us miss you for two years punishing you?”

“My Mum was ready to kill herself when I got back, Applejack nearly beat me to death, and making my friends suffer hurts me more than suffering myself.” I replied somewhat neutrally.

“That still sounds like we’re suffering more than you.” Twilight got up and pulled me to my feet.

“Quick question: Is the Alicorn strength being used here?”

“Yup.”

“Great. My girlfriend is stronger than me.” I sighed.

Twilight patted my chest. “Look on the bright side, amour. You’re more muscular and you’re a lot more lethal than I could ever be.”

I rolled my eyes. “And if you decide that you wanna hug me too tight one day?”

“Hush! Shush! We have places to be and letters to write, Mister!” Twilight grabbed my hand and teleported us into my house.

My shit was exactly where I’d left it, though I guess Berry Blitz wasn’t expecting anyone to be coming in. She sighed as she clomped down the stairs, and when she came into the living room, she muttered. “This place always feels so empty now.”

“It’s a good thing I’m back, now isn’t it?” I said, walking to the dining room.

I heard Berry’s hooves clop on my floor and skitter to a stop not far behind me. I turned around to see her staring at me wide eyed. “I can’t believe it…”

Twilight hooked her arm through mine. “Seeing is believing, Berry. My amour is back.”

“Boss!” Berry cried, throwing her arms into the air. “I thought you were a goner after the funeral!”

I looked at Twilight. “How many times do I have to tell people I don’t stay dead for it to stick?” Looking back to Berry I said, “If you want to hang out for a little bit, I’m about to explain why I was gone for so long.”

Berry glanced at Twilight, so I glanced at Twilight. She was looking at me with a brow raised. “...Or I could write you a memo and you can ask your questions some other time I guess.” I said slowly.

Twilight nodded and Berry gulped. “I’m just gonna… I mean…”

“Yeah, it’s fine. Go home, Berry, and thanks for looking after the place while I’ve been gone.”

“No problem, boss. I’ll see you some other time.” Berry said, already backing away while glancing at Twilight. When she was out of the house, I gave Twilight a look.

“Since when are you THIS possessive?” I asked, amused.

“Since I realized that the next time you go away, I might not see you again for a couple years.” She replied curtly.

“Fair enough. It’s letter writing time, I guess.”

And so we wrote letters. Twilight’s penmanship had actually gotten a bit better with some time, or maybe her new status just meant that she had to get good at writing things. Either way, we got the letters done quickly enough, but before we sent them off, I took a moment to really look at Twilight. She sat up straighter than she used to, telling me that she had a bit more confidence, and her hair was a bit curly at the ends instead of being straight cut like it had once been. I liked the new style, and Twilight herself seemed a bit more mature than when I’d left, though her new possessive streak tickled me in all the right ways.

My lover did the same thing to me, taking in my new beard and longer hair. I imagine she noticed that I’d gotten a bit beefier, if the look of approval she gave me was anything to go by. Our eyes met while we were checking each other out and I wiggled my brows at her.

“Someone’s been getting even more beautiful while I was away. I never though it was possible.” I flirted.

She blushed and giggled .”I see someone hasn’t been letting his workout routine falter. I like the results.”

“So it’s agreed?”

She nodded. “We’re both still physically attracted to each other. When this is over, no matter how it ends, we’re cuddling so hard.”

“You’ll have to pry me off of you with a crowbar.”

“Stuck like Pinkie’s best glue.”

We nodded again and started sending the letters off one by one. I started with Rarity and Pinkie since they were the furthest away, followed by Blue and Applejack and ending with Fluttershy and Trixie. Twilight actually did some hardcore maths and figured out how long it would take each of them to get here from where they lived, so we sent the letters off in intervals that would have the girls arriving at pretty much the same time. I told Twilight ahead of time that I owed Pinkie a sexual favour and she shrugged it off, telling me that sharing me with her friends was still alright. She did ask me if I was starting to find Pinkie attractive and I responded with a firm no, stating that she now looked like young jailbait instead of a loli. She didn’t know what either of those words meant, so as we were cuddling on the couch, I explained them to her and she called me weird.

The girls, Nashoba, Blue, and Trixie and Spike came in within minutes of each other and everyone picked a spot. Twilight got off of me so Blue could sit beside me on the couch and Trixie took the other end. Pinkie sat on the weird part of my sectional that had no back to it, and with the couch situation… Well, situated, I started explaining what had happened from the very beginning with the compulsion I’d felt when we went to Bridleland. From there, I went into the part about how Chrysalis had visited me and when I’d assaulted her over learning that I was going to be forced into going back to Earth and the repercussions of my actions. I decided to be straightforward about the fact that Celestia, Luna, and I had all been controlled by something stronger than Nightmare Moon during the process of me going to Equus’ Wiltshire. Applejack and Rarity were quick to deride me for trying to shift blame until Twilight told them that she was casting a truth spell for the duration of the conversation. That didn’t make me happy at all, but she told me that it wasn’t for her sake since she already knew for a fact that I wasn’t going to lie to her. I thanked her for her continued faith in my word and continued on shortly after.

The next thing I told them about was the fact that I’d been beating myself up over making Twilight feel like an excuse for me to do evil since I’d left Equestria, but Twilight told me that she’d forgiven me sometime ago. I still hadn't forgiven myself for it, so I apologized from the bottom of my heart before telling them that I’d met Maxwell who now went by Will shortly after arriving on Earth. Rarity pointed out the fact that I’d told everyone that he was dead and I told them what he’d been dead to me. When I saw him, standing in front of our old hideout, I was fucking thunderstruck. Blue quipped about Humans not staying dead very well and I just gave her a smile since I had nothing else to say on the matter.

After that, I moved on to learning why I was supposed to be on Earth, in England, in the first place and I told them that I’d just known that I was supposed to protect my brother from people who were after his life. I explained that I’d gone to find the person in charge of the people most likely to come after his life and told everyone that I’d made him change his mind about the hit on Will. Twilight was the first to ask how I’d managed to do that without magic and I told her that I had all of my powers from Equus on Earth. She also put it together faster than anyone else and asked if I’d used Dark Magic to alter Stefano’s mind. I confessed to it outright, but I defended myself by saying that I’d thought of just killing him and being done with it. I’d spared his life, albeit in a terrible way, but he was still alive when I left and he was out of his life of crime.

There were mutterings under breaths about the morality of my decision to alter his mind instead of flat out killing him. Fluttershy, Pinkie, Blue, Trixie, and Twilight were on my side, stating that killing him would have been worse than just altering him, but Applejack and Rarity were firmly against altering someone’s mind in any way. Spike and Nashoba didn't voice an opinion. I told them that I was either going to end his life or save it from the terrible sins he’d been committing against other people, and when I spilled about his dealings, it got a lot harder for Rarity and Applejack to argue against me, although I didn’t actually have to say much. Blue asked them if they were really willing to let people just be evil so they could still do what they want, making an argument that I was familiar with through my rationalizations. Applejack maintained that I could have just made him confess to whatever crimes he’d done, but I told her that I was the only one with magic on Earth. No one could see into his mind and learn about what he’d done, so none of the evidence against Stefano would have held up in court unless I forced him to tell the police about the locations and whereabouts of his dirty dealing, but my point was that reforming him myself was better than just locking him away so he could get angrier and sneakier with time.

Twilight had remained silent for awhile until she asked how many people I’d reformed with Dark Magic. My heart palpitated and my mouth tasted like burning metal for a second, but I knew dodging the question would be worse, so I twisted the truth slightly by omitting certain parts. I started with how the people I’d run into while tracking down Stefano, explaining to my audience that the majority of them were either addled by drugs or were knifemen, waiting for people to rob. They were some of the worst members of society and would lie, cheat, steal, and kill for what they wanted. Twilight stopped me while I was setting up my defense and said that I’d ‘reformed’ them all. She’d posed it as a question, but everyone knew that it was a statement of fact. The room fell silent as I told them about the orders I’d given, but the silence lifted when I’d finished and Pinkie asked why I’d just told them to be good people instead of making them do my bidding. I looked at her, absolutely horrified by the prospect and told her that I’d never stoop that low. I admitted that people called me their leader, but I was resolute in my denial of any influence on that matter. The people I’d ‘reformed’ followed me of their own accord and I swore to everyone in the room that I’d never once abused their devotion to my cause. Hell, I told them that after founding my charity, I’d wanted my followers to just go on about their lives and try to be productive members of society, which is why I’d practically had to go into hiding for the last week of my time on Earth.

Fluttershy raised a hand and asked what a charity was and I explained it to her and the rest of the group, telling them that a charity was basically a group of people who helped other people. My charity in particular helped orphans, drug addicts, victims of rape, and basically the people most downtrodden by the way society worked. I mentioned that most charities were more focused than mine, but the SIAC had deep roots in multiple governments and was being paid for by drug money that had been repurposed from large gangs. I’d had to explain what gangs were, and when I told them about what gangs did, I was asked how I’d managed to get money from people so obviously terrible. I hung my head and told them that I’d reformed them through technological means and had to expound upon the Internet, phones, and computers. That took quite awhile, but I based everything I told them off of the silent movies they’d had in Equestria, so they ended up getting the picture. Twilight, however, wanted to know what I was talking about and asked to see into my mind to glean the information I was talking about. Of course I was a little hesitant, but I allowed her access to the technology related things despite my discomfort and once she had what she needed to understand how the internet worked and what it was, she explained it again and the girls had a better picture of what the fuck I was talking about.

Sadly, that brought up the question of how many people I’d reformed. I prefaced my answer with the fact that anyone who watched the video was given the option of turning it off or watching something else before I started using Dark Magic to coerce them into being better people, but Applejack cut to the chase with Rarity backing her readily. I told them that, when I’d left, I’d had over five hundred million people on my planet ready to be less shitty to each other. Jaws dropped around the room and Twilight told me that there weren’t even five hundred million Ponies in Equestria, Great Bridleland, and Mexicolt put together. I was shocked to learn that Equus was that drastically different in terms of populus and I was assured that I could have taken over a quarter, or maybe even a third of Equus’ known population with those. I told them that there were billions of people on my planet and jaws dropped again, but the fact that I’d ‘reformed’ people all over my world still stood and Applejack asked how I could just take people’s right to make their own decisions away from them. After reminding her that I’d been trying to make rape, murder, and theft evils of the past, no one said much against me.

I don’t know if it was Celestia’s conditioning or the fact that Ponies generally thought that everyone should do their best to be good people, but I’d expected a lot more arguing than the few minutes that had taken place here and there. I mean, when I first said that I was altering minds so people wouldn’t be doing horrible things anymore, Applejack and Rarity had been the first to object to what I’d said, but despite their earlier vehemence against my questionable morality, they were won over by Blue, Twilight, and Pinkie of all fucking people.

Once I’d gotten everything out on the table, Rainbow asked what had happened between me and my brother, striking a raw nerve rather hard. I quietly told her that he’d disagreed with my actions and that he’d hated me too much to even see me before I left. Twilight held my arm like she always did when I needed to recover from an emotional blow to the soft bits, and Blue held my hand. I thanked them both and asked about what all I had missed while I’d been away.

Twilight got things started in chronological order, so that was nice. Apparently, right after I’d left, Twilight had been sworn to secrecy about the details of my mission and hadn't been allowed to tell anyone about it, as well as being unable to speak with Celestia about it because the Solar Diarch couldn’t look her in the eyes. Twilight mentioned that I needed to let Celestia know that I was back and I asked if I should send her a letter since I had everyone here anyway. My lover suggested that we wait until everyone went home to tell her, though she didn’t explain her reasoning. I didn’t need or really want her to, so I agreed to wait and l waited for the shit I’d missed.

About a week after I’d left, Pinkie had cloned herself dozens upon dozens of times, plaguing the town with Party Ponies until Pinkie herself started doubting that she was the real one. I complimented her on the level of complexity she’d shown in doubting her own being since I’d never known Ponies to get terribly deep into such matters. It was a weird thing to compliment her on, but she herself and Twilight understood why it was praise instead of just barbed words posing as pleasant ones. We moved on and Applejack told me about her cousin Babs coming to town, but that was quickly overshadowed by the fact that Trixie and Twilight having a magic duel with the advent of some artifacts. I looked at them both and asked if they’d just decided to do foolish things while I was away and both of them blushed, stating that they’d just wanted to get their minds off of my absence. I immediately felt terrible and apologized for my transgression, but they both waved it aside, stating that an artifact called the Alicorn Amulet was now safely hidden away by Celestia.

That’s when Noir started screaming in my head.

I covered my ears and tried to block out the sound of her incessant raging, but she wouldn’t calm down enough to actually say what was going on. It took ten minutes of agonizing pain for her to realize that she was making my ears and nose bleed with her mental assault. The pain faded just as quickly as it had started, and once Twilight and Blue got me cleaned up, I explained that the Alicorn Amulet was Noir’s body as it had been altered by Discord and that the artifact was practically evil by nature since it was so tainted with his magic. After that, I just leaned back and tried to clear the scent of blood from my nostrils, wearily asking for my friends to continue with their news.

No one was very forthcoming after that, but I told them that the Alicorn Amulet was most likely the only thing that would ever set Noir off like that, so I would be good. Twilight trusted my word and prodded Rainbow to tell me about her experience with the Wonderbolts. When my face lit up, Rainbow gave me a smile and thanked me for getting her in. I told her to think nothing of it, but she persisted, telling me that all of the girls knew that I’d asked Celestia to do them all favours instead of asking for something myself on my own birthday. I may have blushed a bit and told her to just get on with her story, but she just said that she’d put off becoming one until she felt she was more prepared for it. I personally wondered how much time she had left at this point since she was starting to get older than their usual recruitment age, but it was none of my business.

Applejack thanked me for having Celestia remodel her house, even though she didn’t feel like it was necessary, and Twilight cut off my reply by thanking me for having her lab upgraded. I raised a brow at her and asked how many times she’d blown something up and she said that, in the past two years, she could count the occurrences on both hands. I rolled my eyes and gave her a peck on the cheek before asking specifically how many times she’d blown something up by accident. She blushed furiously and the girls had a laugh at her expense, so I wrapped an arm around her gave her a better kiss. Twilight didn’t want to break it off and neither did I, but I wasn’t trying to make out while getting caught up on current… Well, not current events anymore.

Rarity and Fluttershy both thanked me for adding resources to their respective lines of work via Celestia and I told them that they were welcome. Pinkie thanked me for getting her a place of her own, but those little asides done, I asked what else had happened while I was away. Twilight began again, telling me of her achievement in solidifying a new form of magic which was the reason why she’d become a princess. I congratulated her on her achievement, though she quietly added that she’d wished I’d been there to share the moment. That shut me up for a little while and no one felt the need to break the silence. It stretched on for a minute or two before Twilight asked if there was anything I’d like to say. I didn’t know what else to talk about other than how the news that I’d been gone so long was affecting me. I told them that I was ashamed of my cowardice for not going back when I should have, ashamed that I’d caused so much strife by just… Leaving them. I told them that I kept the mantra going that it wasn’t my fault, that there was no way for me to resist more than I already had, that there was no way for me to know that avoiding my quest in the first place would hurt my loved ones so much. It felt like I was just causing pain wherever I went all over again.

Twilight and Blue assured me that I’d done what I could and that I’d made my world a better place as a result of my actions, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that all I’d done was make things so much worse here through my actions. Twilight gave me a hug and changed the topic, asking me how it felt to go back to Earth. Honestly? It was… Strange. Equestria is my home now, and despite having my brother be there, alive and well, I just knew that there was nothing to hold me there like I had here. I delved into the fact that I’d missed the level of technology my people had and the various foods, but comparing Earth to Equus was like comparing a pothole filled with brackish, filthy water to the Pond in the Matron’s clearing. Equus was cleaner, more vibrant in the way it felt, and when I went back to Earth, it had struck me as dirty and corrupted, like it needed to be cleansed. Granted, I’d never been terribly far out of a city for long while I was on Earth, but you could literally taste the difference in the air, and if you paid attention, it was easy to smell the difference in even the purest bottled water. I’d missed Equus more than I’d ever missed Earth, and that’s all there was to it.

I received hugs from most of the girls for that, but glomping me was awfully warm, so I shooed them off, threatening to make them eat cupcakes Twilight baked. Her cooking was still notorious for being awful, so I was let go quickly enough and my lover gave me a good whack that I knew would leave a nasty bruise. Seriously, she’d gotten far too strong for her to keep hitting me that hard and I told her as much, showing her that the skin was already yellowing. Twilight looked away guiltily and I held her close, telling her that we could always limit her strength so she could use it when she actually needed it instead of having it all the time. She asked how I planned on doing that and I showed her the seal on the back on my hand and realized that she probably seemed so strong because it was still affecting me. I cleared it and asked her to pinch me, which still fucking hurt, but I was sure that it wouldn’t leave much of a mark now.

We eventually got back on track and they caught me up on a few more things, like the Equus Olympics that I hadn't been able to attend, Rainbow meeting her other favourite author, the girls getting sucked into Spike’s comics through magical means, Fluttershy turning into a ‘Vampony’ for a little while, and Pinkie learning that she was actually a distant relative of Applejack’s, which was actually pretty cool. Other than that, Ponyville had done some expanding and the population grew since Twilight was a resident Princess, though Celestia and Mary had already been working on the plans before I’d gone away. Time really doesn’t wait for anyone, but I’m glad that Twilight waited for me.

I made plans to spend some time with each of the girls to catch up some more with them over the course of the next week or two before they left, though Trixie and Blue stuck around longer so they could enjoy being in my company. Nashoba wanted a hug before she left and told me that she would be in touch soon enough, but we were both a little disappointed that we wouldn’t be spending that much time together. I told her to stop by when she had some spare time and she promised that she would, leaving me to talk to my family and my lover.

I didn’t have any food in the house since it had all gone bad years ago, so I offered to pay for dinner at Blossoms and Blooms because their spinach alfredo makes my stomach smile. Blue declined my offer to pay since she wanted to treat me, so I let her have her way, though I was adamant about paying for Twilight and Trixie. My lover just rolled her eyes and my sister did the same, but I still got what I wanted.

Dinner was nice and we kept the conversation light. Blue’s trouble over the past two years was tactfully avoided and Trixie’s eventual loss of hope was in the same boat. Twilight mentioned that she and Trixie now studied magic together, so I asked about that, genuinely interested in what they’d come up with during their research. Apparently they’d practically perfected the sleeping spell and warped it in a way so that you could get eight hours worth of rest in one, though it took a good bit of doing to manage. Trixie could only cast the spell twice a day since sleeping with the spell didn’t replenish one’s magic, but Twilight could get it off six times in a row without much trouble now that she had a larger pool of magic to draw from. I asked if she was going to keep building her potential until she rivaled Celestia, but Twilight shook her head, stating that she’d compared her magical capacity to the elder princess’ and found that she wouldn’t be able to catch up if Celestia didn’t want her to. I told her about my own True Magic growing stronger, but before I could get too deeply into it, Trixie and Blue asked what True Magic even was. I was about to explain when Twilight intervened, saying that True Magic was Alicorn level magic that couldn’t be clearly explained to those without it, but I was pretty sure that I could do it without taxing myself at all. Still, I took her hint and shut up about the matter, stating that I never would have brought it up if I would have known that little tidbit.

The four of us stayed and talked some more over our plates that had gone empty long ago. I was still fucking starving since I’d only gotten the one dish, but I wasn’t about to bankrupt my Mum by making her sate my ridiculous appetite. That being said, I gave her another long hug and told her that I’d be by the next day to spend some more time with her and Trixie did her best to crush me. I congratulated her for the third or fourth time about getting engaged to Orchid since I was happy that they’d worked out in the end, though I did mention to her that coffee was actually a delicious beverage and that she should partake in it more often. She recognized the jab for what it was after a few seconds and hit me for that, but it was worth it to see the look on her face.

With my Mum and sister being the last people in the way of our cuddle time, Twilight and I alighted to her house so she could tell Spike that she was probably going to be at my place for the next couple of days. He told her that he’d figured that he wouldn’t be seeing much of her for awhile and let told her to stop doting on him. I let him know that he was probably always going to be the same baby Dragon to Twilight and she agreed with me wholeheartedly, going to far as to pinch one of his cheeks and call him her ‘Big widdle bwudder’. Spike took his punishment with as much dignity as he could muster, though there wasn’t all that much, all things considered.

Twilight teleported us back to my house, but she didn’t even wait a full second before pulling me down for a passionate kiss that spoke volumes about how much she’d missed me. I held her as closely as I could, taking in every ounce of her being. I’d longed for Twilight while I was gone and I spent most of my days thinking about her, but I knew that Twilight had suffered a lot more than I had on that front and I wanted to make it up to her in every way possible, so when she broke our kiss, I waited for her to speak.

“Maximus.” She murmured.

“Twilight Sparkle.” I replied in the same hushed tone.

“I need to ask you something, and I know this isn’t the right moment, but it’s been on my heart since you’ve been away.”

“Anything. Ask and I’ll answer.”

“...Did you have any other mares while you were away?” My lover asked softly.

“No. I couldn’t ask your permission to do anything, so I abstained.” A pretty good feat considering how many times I’d been propositioned.

She breathed a sigh of relief. “I knew you would say that, but I couldn’t help but worry.”

I kissed her again. “I spent a lot of time thinking about you, cherry. There wasn’t a day that went by when I didn’t worry about you.”

She pouted. “I think I spent a little more worrying about you. You should compensate me for that.”

“Tummy rub?” I asked hopefully.

Twilight gave me a look. “You’d better follow it up with a few favours. I haven’t let another pony touch me in two years.”

“I’m pretty sure you said that you made it eleven years with no problems, yeah?” I gave her a cheeky grin.

She nipped my neck, sending chills down my spine. “That was before I knew what I was missing. You’ve ruined me for any other pony, amour.”

“I’ve said the same to you and it’s still true. Well, substitute pony for person, and you have what I-”

My lover shut me up with her lips and reached into my trousers, surprising me rather pleasantly. “You talk too much.”

“Let’s get this tongue put to better use then.” I licked her horn.

We found a better use for my tongue. And for my fingers, but the tongue part was the most fun. Twilight was quite receptive to my advances and there were plenty of things that both of us wanted to try since we’d had time to ponder what the other would like. I introduced Twilight into the joys of being on top and she turned me into a female after getting me off twice as a male so we could keep going until both of us were twitchy and sensitive. On a completely related note, I learned that I no longer had any hang-ups about being penetrated, which I attributed to putting Graham through an unimaginable Hell. Twilight was thrilled to find that she could actually let her tongue go as far into me as it would reach and I was just happy that I could finally enjoy the full experience. Well, that and thinking of my vindication just made the experience that much better. I’d finally freed myself from some of my emotional shackles, and my lover was as ecstatic about that as I was.

After going for hours on end with no breaks in between, Twilight turned me back into a guy so we could cuddle in our natural forms. I turned on one of my bedside lamps so we could just look at each other, but we’d spent so long dancing the bedroom waltz, the Sun would soon make the light unnecessary. We looked into each other’s eyes and passed caresses back and forth.

“Cherry~” I undertoned.

“Amour~” Twilight replied.

“I missed your scent.” I said softly.

“I missed your eyes.” She responded.

“I missed your ears.”

“I missed your voice.”

“Was it because of the ‘accent’?”

Twilight chuckled. “More like I missed the underlying confidence.”

I gave her a little smile. “I missed your insight.”

“I missed your quirks.”

“I missed your mane.”

She blushed a little. “I missed your lips.”

My smile grew. “I missed the way you taste.”

She blushed a bit harder. “I missed your frankness. Nopony talks like you do.”

“Cherry, I’m no Pony.” I kissed her.

My lover rolled her eyes. “Obviously. Have you seen those little things you call ears? No self-respecting Pony would ever have those.”

I reached up and fondled her listening thingies. “No self respecting Human would go out in public with these. They only look cute on you Ponies.”

“Are you saying that Donkeys aren’t cute? Because that’s pretty racist, amour.”

“It’s not my fault I’ve never seen a cute one. They should try to be more attractive if they want to be considered cute.”

She booped my nose. “I’m sure they feel the same way about you.”

I shrugged one shoulder. “I only care if you think I’m cute. Well, it’s nice that Mum does, but she’s kinda supposed to.”

Twilight booped me again. “Speaking of mums, mine still thinks you’re dead. Is there any particular time you want to meet up with my parents, Fancy, and Fleur?”

“After we get Celestia here and clear the air with her, I still have to spend the day with Mum-”

“Max, we just spent the entire night having intercourse.” Twilight chuckled. “If you can still be active for an entire day after this, I’ll eat my crown.”

I lifted a brow at her. “I just need six servings of something and I’ll be fine. I don’t really need to sleep much anymore.” Not since my eye turned grey.

She furrowed her brow. “What do you mean you don’t need sleep?”

“I mean I stayed awake for a week straight on Earth and I was fine. I just didn’t sleep because I didn’t feel like it. As long as I have plenty of food, I’m fine.”

It took a moment for her to reply. “Wow… Just think of what I could get done in a week if I didn’t need to sleep!” Twilight said breathlessly

“Just think of how many kilos you’d put on eating like I do.” I turned and looked away. “Actually, I think you’d carry it quite well.”

She hit me lightly and judged my response. When I didn’t flinch, she hit me a bit harder and stuck her tongue out at me. “Are you telling me to get fat?”

“I’m telling you that you could and you’d still be hotter than a bonfire.”

She lifted the covers and looked down at herself. I looked too, but I was just thinking about doing her another favour. “Amour, do I look fatter than I was when you left?”

I poked her stomach. “No, you weren't fat in the first place. I know for a fact that your hips and bottom got a bit larger, but your waist looks the same and your bust looks perfect. I think you might be a bit more dense because of your Alicorn musculature, but I’ll just have to do more push-ups until I can carry you across town without a problem.”

Twilight looked a bit miffed. “My hips have not gotten larger!”

I my hand was currently on her hip, so I stroked it. “I might just not remember. It’s been five weeks after all.” But the nearly eidetic memory says you’re a little bigger.

She nodded. “Exactly. I thought you looked a bit bigger too.”

“Except I actually am bigger. I put on a full stone, or like, fifteen pounds while I was gone. It’s mostly muscle, but still.”

Her eyes widened. “So you really did get bigger!”

I nodded. “Yeah, it was a lot easier to find protein on Earth since my people are omnivores, so putting that with my normal routine and actually being able to go to a real gym, I got a bit bigger. I think I’ll convert one of my guest rooms to a weight room or something.”

She stroked my arm and squeezed it. “How did you put on so much weight so fast though?”

“I ate like a pig. There are buffets on Earth that will let you eat all you can. I got kicked out of a few for bringing back six to eight plates per trip, but even then I still left with room to spare.”

Twilight’s eyes sparkled and she looked outside. “You know, Ponyville has two buffets now that will let you eat what you want. Applejack and Rainbow are the record holders at the Zhongguo one with six plates each and an eggroll leftover on the seventh.”

I followed her eyes and saw that dawn was quickly coming. “Is there a breakfast one?”

“Breakfast all day, from nine in the morning to nine at night.”

“Oh whatever shall we do to fill the time?” I teased.

Her eyes lit up. “Can we do the intercrural thing again?”

“We could always turn you into a guy and let you make love to me.” I offered.

There was a pause. “...Next time. Definitely next time.” Twilight promised.

“I’ll be counting the hours. I’d count the seconds, but there are going to be a lot of them.”

She rolled her eyes and climbed on top of me. “That’s the point of counting them. If you didn’t have to count terribly high, why would anypony do it?”

“No one actually does.” I pointed out.

“Which is why it’s a metaphor, silly. You’re silly.”

I shrugged. “I’m just waiting for you to kiss me at this point.”

“Why don’t we kiss and have real sex?” Twilight suggested.

“Because we’re not married yet.” I answered simply.

She sighed. “I knew you were going to say that. Amour, I’ve been waiting for two long years-”

“Twilight Sparkle, I’ll give you the best sex anyone’s ever had on this planet if you just give me a little more time.”

“A little. You only get a little.” She said firmly.

I tapped her hip a couple times. “Hop off, then. Do you still have clothes here?”

“I think we might want to grab the clothes from my house. I don’t think that the ones we have here have been washed since you went away.”

“That’s perfectly fine. Do you want to finish up here, or do you want to wake Spike up with cries of passion?”

She gave me a pointed look. “I’m not going to let my legal age teenage brother catch us doing something I told him to wait for.”

I quickly bowled her over and leaned over her like she’d done to me. “Then let’s do some sexuals for the hour and get showered, yeah?”

“You make me want to close my legs when you say that.”

“That’s how you do intercrural, cherry.”

“That makes me want to open them.”

“And that’s how you do it normally.”

“If I didn’t I didn’t want you to shut up and put your thing somewhere nice, I’d tell you to just go do some laundry.”

I backed off and grabbed some lube from the nightstand. “It’s a good thing I can shut up then.”

Long story short, we both had our fun, got showered, and before we could change, we went to Twilight’s so we could get dressed. I still had clothes from Earth and my bag, but I knew Twilight would want me to show off as much as possible, so I just wore one of the unncessarily tight shirts she’d pressed me to get so long ago. Unfortunately, the shirt she picked out for me was now rather uncomfortably tight, but I just had to deal with it. It didn’t ride up on me at all, but the arms and chest made it seem like I was showing off or something, which was why Twilight liked them in the first place. She herself went with leggings that made me want to cop a feel and a blouse that matched them nicely. Once we were done with that, I brought Twilight back to my house so I could show her the technology from my world that I’d forgotten about and she was absolutely staggered. I showed her the multitude of MP3 players that wouldn’t die if you charged them with magic and the expensive laptop that I’d brought a couple of hard drives worth of games for. I introduced her to my favourite music from my world and some new things that I’d found on Spotify, and she fell in love with the Nu Jazz and general vibe of the Glass Animals instantaneously. We shared a pair of earbuds until Twilight said that they hurt her ears, so I pulled out the of over-the-ear headphones I’d gotten and we just listened to the same songs at the same time with different MP3s.

The breakfast buffet was now open, so Twilight and I picked up Blue before her shop could get terribly busy and I paid for our food. They both just stared as I devoured plate after plate of eggs, waffles, pancakes, and vegetarian sausages. I ended up talking to the manager of the place and asked if I needed to pay more since I was planning on going for more than seven plates and he told me that he was going to have to start setting a limit if I came in too often. Blue pointed out that slighting the Duke of the town he lived in probably wouldn’t work out too well for him if the Mayor heard about it and I gave her a sharp glare for trying to make me abuse my status. Then Twilight stepped in and told the manager guy that he had nothing to worry about and I said the same thing, but he was still pretty cowed. I just shook my head and paid extra for more food and ended up finishing off ten plates before I was actually full.

Blue scolded me for eating so much and I showed her that I didn’t even have so much as a stomach bulge from the sheer amount of food I’d eaten. The abs I’d been building were still there and Twilight even poked my stomach to check. They just shook their heads at my amazing capacity to eat many food and my lover bid me adieu so she could go get some sleep. Once she was gone, Blue asked if I’d been up all night and I admitted that I had, but that I could keep going for as long as I felt like it. She was quite worried about me wearing myself out, but I explained that I just didn’t need sleep that much anymore.

I didn’t have anything planned, so I asked, “Alright, so what do you want to do? I’m sure you’ve had some time to think about some activities.”

“I was hoping to have a walk around town with you and Trixie, if we can all find the time.” Blue said shyly.

I gave her a one-armed hug. “Sure thing. I’m pretty certain that Trixie wouldn’t mind joining us for an afternoon.”

Blue started off in the direction of Trixie’s house, so I followed closely. “She told you that she’s a magical researcher now, right? After she went to Celestia’s school, she basically earned herself a ticket to being one of the most respected Unicorns this side of Canterlot.”

“I remember her saying that she was a researcher over dinner, but I didn’t want to ask why she became a magician instead of going for something that was a bit more…” I trailed off.

“Respectable?” Blue said bluntly.

“That’s what I was going to say, but I didn’t want to sound like a prick.”

“Well I’m glad you said that I sound like a prick. Trixie still puts on shows from time to time, but they’re mostly for foals. She spends most of her time researching magic and teaching young Unicorns how to be more efficient with their magic.”

“That’s pretty cool of her, actually. We’ll have to talk about that on our walk.”

My Mum nodded. “I don’t know much about it myself, so it’ll be a learning experience for both of us.”

“Speaking of learning and things, how’s Onyx doing?” I asked.

“...I don’t really know.” She said softly.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I inquired gently.

Sighing, she said, “I lost him a year after you disappeared when I couldn’t keep my head up anymore. Onyx and Trixie just couldn’t reach me, so he stopped coming by, and I can’t really blame him-”

“I can.” I snarled. “If he loved you, he should have stayed with you.”

She placed a hand on my arm. “Try to understand, Max. It’s hard to watch somepony you love go down a dark path when you can’t do a thing about it.”

“Oh, I understand better than most Ponies ever could, but I know that it’s wrong to abandon someone in their time of need. I did it myself when I thought my brother was dead, but I was young and dumb. Onyx has no excuse.”

Blue shook her head. “Don’t dwell on it, baby. It’ll do you now good to get mad over something you can’t control.”

“I can shove my foot up his arse. I can control that.” I said darkly.

“...Let’s just go and get Trixie.”

I put a hand on her back. “If it makes you feel any better, I’m not going to go after him.”

My Mum perked up a bit. “That actually does make me feel better.”

I unhooked her bra through her shirt. “That does mean I’m going to fuck with you to get it out of my system though.

She covered her chest with one arm and pounded me with the other. “Maximus, you absolutely terrible colt! I’m going to beat you until you’re the same color as me!”

“Just magic it fastened again. Jeez, you’d think you could strap on a brazier, Mum. You’ve only been doing it for twenty years.”

She glared at me and her horn lit up before she took her hands away. “That is npot something you do to your mother, Max! One of your little filly friends maybe, but not your Mom!”

I shrugged and started walking again. “I’m just checking to see if you’re paying attention.”

She followed me to hit me some more. “Paying attention to what!?”

“Something other than me.” I said cheekily.

“Well then!” She huffed.

I threw my rapidly bruising arm around her shoulders and gave her a thousand watt smile. “Come on, Mum. You know it’d be funny if it wasn’t you.”

She hit me right above my navel, though she did so much more gently that she had when she was pounding my arm. “It really wouldn’t be. Do you know how hard it is to get one of these things on already? Doing it while fully clothed and with magic is just that much worse!”

“I don’t know about doing it while clothed, but I’ve done it before.”

“Then you at least have an idea!”

“I’d say I don’t just to mess with you, but that would be stupid.”

“You are stupid.” She muttered under her breath.

“Hey now, no need for insults, mother dearest. Would a heartfelt apology make you feel better?”

“Yes. Yes it would.” She said, turning her nose up.

I rolled my eyes. “I’m sorry, Mummy. I didn’t mean to be such a naughty boy and cause you trouble.”

She shoved me and I wandered back to her side. “You’re just awful, you know that?”

“Did it stop you from missing me?”

“How could it? You said it best when you called yourself a loveable butthole.” I received a pleasant smile.

I gave her another hug. “I’m going to try to be more loveable and less of a butthole. Well, more of a benevolent butthole, I should say. Less poo, more wiping. No smell, no gel-”

“Okay, okay, I get it!” Blue chuckled. “Dear Celestia, you’re just as vulgar as you used to be!”

“I’ll try and dial it down a bit.” I promised.

“That’s all I ask, baby.” We were passing through the edge of town at this point.

I took a few minutes to come up with something to ask. “So how did you manage to keep your business afloat?”

“Your friend Rarity bought out half of my business so she could hire somepony to keep the books. I could buy it back now that you’re here again.” She tapped her chin with a finger.

“Please do. It’s just not the same if it’s not your shop.”

“I know, baby. I think I’ll talk to her about it tomorrow.”

I nodded. “I’ll be glad when your shop is back in your hands. Just know that if I ever actually do die that you’re one of my beneficiaries.”

“Well, when Celestia pronounced you dead, Trixie, myself, Twilight, and Spike were all given access to your account.”

“Has anyone bought anything big with it yet?”

“Not that I know of. Have you talked to the Princess about getting it put back in your name yet?”

“I was planning on getting to that later today. I really should have gotten her together with the girls, but there are things I need to tell her about my time on Earth that I can’t tell certain people.”

“I understand, but you’ve got to get Twilight when you do that. The common ponies treat her like a Princess of Equestria, but I don’t think she feels like one.”

“What I’m going to tell Celestia, Twilight doesn’t need to know, whether she’s a princess or not. It’s something that only Celestia, myself, and Luna know. Cadance isn’t even aware of it.”

Blue gave me an odd look. “Is it really that big of a secret?”

“If I told you anything about it, you might not look at Celestia or myself the same way.”

“...That’s a little scary, Max.”

“A lot of the things I do are.” I sighed.

“...On a lighter note, I think the grey in my mane actually looks nice. I was always a fan of silver.”

Be nice. “It really is fetching on you. I must say, two years might have added some greys, but you don’t look like you’ve aged a day otherwise.”

“Right. I’m sure I look an old maid by now.”

I shrugged. “If you weren’t my Mum, I’d take you out for a night on the town.”

Blue blushed. “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”

I gave her a look. “You know when I’m full of shit and when I’m being honest.”

She patted my arm. “Well it’s nice to know that I could have a stallion young enough to be my son as a possible interest if I wanted one.”

“Speaking of, is this still a mare heavy town, or has the population evened out a bit?”

“There are more stallions than ever, but they generally live on the outskirts of town.”

“Then why don’t you find yourself a nice one sometime?” I asked.

“I may. You and Trixie will have to approve of him before he gets very far, but other than that, I’ll try and find you a nice Dad.” Blue teased.

I rolled my eyes. “If you find a bad one, I’m going to ask Luna to send him to the Moon.”

Blue chuckled as we started on the path to Trixie’s house. “You know, I forgot how protective you were.”

“When you grow up with little in the way of precious things, you hold onto what you have fiercely.”

“I can’t say I know the feeling because I grew up rather comfortably, but I understand what you mean.”

We fell silent for a little while until we reached Trixie’s front door. I knocked and we waited for a few minutes until she came and saw us standing there. “Mother! Max! Trixie is happy to see you. Please, come in.”

I let Blue go first and followed her shortly after. Trixie’s house looked a lot different than when I’d left since it was partially pink instead of being a study in rich shades of blue, but it still looked nice. Orchid was standing in the kitchen with a cup of tea in her hands, and when she saw me, she waved. I waved back and Trixie poured some tea for Blue and I, asking if we’d mind having a seat in the living room. Once we were seated and the tea was served, Trixie started off the conversation.

“So what brings two of Trixie’s favourite people over? She hopes it’s something good.”

I shrugged. “We were planning on tying you up to the flagpole in the middle of town, but I told Mum that doing so would be a little more than mean.”

Blue rolled her eyes. “We came to see if you wanted to join us on a tour around town. I don’t really know much about the new stuff and Max wanted to spend the day with us anyway.”

Trixie beamed. “Trixie would be delighted!”

Orchid smiled mildly. “Do you mind if I join you? Trixie stays busy so often these days-”

I waved her words aside. “Sorry, blue people only. If you dye your coat, then you’re allowed to come along as you please, but otherwise, you’re going to have to stay here and curse fate for making you pink.”

Orchid looked at Trixie and Blue who were just shaking their heads. “...Are you being serious?”

“I think Max is forgetting that you haven’t seen him in two years and that you didn’t know him all that well in the first place. He’s just pulling your tail.” Blue explained.

“Oh yeah. I keep thinking that it’s only been a month until someone says something.” I scratched my head.

Orchid gave me a look. “You’re just difficult.”

“He’s the best brother Trixie could ask for.” My sister defended.

“See? Trixie thinks I’m special.” I grinned.

“Special in the head, maybe.” Orchid muttered.

I whacked her with my tentacle. “You used to be so much nicer.”

“That was before you put Trixie and Blue through Tartarus.” She passed me edgy glare.

Trixie put a hand on her leg. “Trixie has already explained that Max had no control over how long he was gone. Things may have been rough, but that is no reason to hold him accountable for a situation he had no control over.”

Orchid pursed her lips. “I understand, I’m just not happy about it.”

“If you’d like to continue being a mule, then feel free to stay home.” Blue snapped.

“Mum, please.” I said softly.

Blue looked at me for a moment before gazing into her tea. With the tension in the room nice and thick, I broke the silence by saying, “Let’s get to that tour, yeah? Staying idle doesn’t hold much good for any of us.”

There were nods from each of the ladies and we all downed our tea, preparing to leave. Once our cups were cleared and put in the kitchen, we headed out and Trixie devised a path for us to follow through the new buildings on the outskirts of town. They were mostly residential areas and a few corner stores here and there, but for the most part, it felt like a natural extension of Ponyville. She took us by the expanded joke shop that had more children than usual coming in and out of it and Trixie told me that it was because they’d started offering joke candies that were either delicious or disgusting depending on how lucky you were. I had to stop in and get some, and once I’d bought a handful, I asked my family if they’d like to try their luck with me. On the first go, I got some taffy that tasted like sushi while Trixie got one that tasted like black pepper. Orchid got one that tasted like a skunk smelled and spit it out rather quickly, but Blue was actually lucky and managed to get one that tasted like cherry ice cream. Orchid didn’t want anymore, so Trixie, Blue and I kept going. I ended up getting pure salt, bogies, peaches, and something I thought was wheat. Trixie got hot sauce, vomit, pure sugar, and vanilla ice cream. Blue got something she couldn’t really describe that wasn’t good or bad, blueberries, daises, and something that tasted like regular flour. Trixie and I were a little salty that she’d got nothing but non-punishing flavours while we’d been hit with some of the most unfortunate they had, but Blue chalked it up to a mother’s luck and I told her that what she’d said made no sense. She shrugged and we kept walking.

There were a few more mid and high tier restaurants in town and there was finally a shady part that I figured I’d be spending some time in. Trixie had been loathe to take our group through there and Orchid agreed since she was straight up scared of the area since it already had a bad reputation, but I assured them that nothing would happen on my watch. I quickly learned that the worst parts of the shady district consisted of fake jewelry that I could spot from a mile away, the odd swindler looking for an investment, and a ‘gang’ of mules that just said mean things about what you were wearing. When I threatened to wreck their faces after they’d called my Mum an old hag, they bitched up real quick and I only got one solid gut punch off before they ran away. Fucking yobbos.

After I chased off the prickish blokes, there wasn’t much else that I could find wrong with the place. I mean, it didn’t even vibe as a particularly bad place to me. All it needed was a little love and affection and it would probably be just as fine as the rest of the town. Blue told me that it was worse at night and I wrote down on my memo pad that I would have to come back at night sometime. Alone. With a sharp object to stick into people if need be. Trixie and Orchid were quick to tell me that I shouldn’t do that, but I rarely listen to people anyway, and if it really was that bad, then I owed it to the citizens of my town to straighten out the kinks.

Noon came and passed, which meant that I was buying lunch for the ladies, despite their protests. I put my foot down before Blue could, meaning that I had precedent and the right to pay for lunch, so they could suck my metaphorical dick instead of my literal one. Orchid wasn’t terribly happy with me, but Trixie just said that she was glad that I was doing nice things. I almost took offense to that until she clarified that she’d meant that I could always be doing bad things. I let her have that one since I know I’m a prick. All in all, the Ponitalian place we ate lunch at was fantastic and their lasagna was delicious. I was told that I’d eaten half a pan by myself and I jokingly asked if I could have the rest in a doggie bag. Well, I was kinda joking. I actually would have just eaten it as we walked around town, but that would have made me seem like a bottomless pit, which is pretty much what my stomach was becoming. I swear, I'm going to shrink, become pink, and turn into a ball if I keep it up at the pace I'm going.

Since I’d eaten until I wasn’t hungry instead of eating until I was actually full, we had time to keep walking and talking. Orchid asked how I wasn’t fat and I told her that there was just something about my metabolism that I couldn’t understand. I was constantly hungry and I put on very little fat, despite eating more food than three people could at any given time. Trixie mentioned that I seemed a lot more muscular than I had when I’d left and I told her that I was, which is what had confused me. I’d eaten junk food and fried things like they were going out of style, but I didn’t know why I wasn’t putting on any fat. I decided that I’d have Celestia give me a diagnostic spell when I had a chance to talk to her, which came a lot faster than I’d been expecting it to. When six thirty came around, Blue said that she would see me later and stated that she had some business to take care of. I asked about said business and she told me that she was going to go get her man back, so I assumed she was going to go talk to Onyx and wished her the best of luck.

When Blue took her leave, Trixie said that there really wasn’t that much more of the town to see and that we could pick it up another day or go see a movie. Something of the sort. I gave her a hug and told her that I should probably go see a princess while I still had time. With that, I went back home and meditated for a little bit. Noir and I watched Gladiator because she liked it, though I found the movie to be a little boring until the actual gladiatorial bits. We would have just fast forwarded, but then again, I had about a hundred or so movies downloaded onto one of my six different hard drives, so I had plenty of shit for us to watch later.

Once Noir and I got our time together, she told me to stop putting off talking to Celestia and get it done, so I left the mindscape and wrote her a letter that read thusly;

“Dear Princess Sunbutt,

Get your fat-bottomed arse over here for the spanking of a lifetime.

Sincerely, A Badass Motherfucker.”

With that written down, I waited for a response, but if she didn’t know who sent the letter in the first place, she couldn’t really send a response. Much to my surprise, she sent a letter back anyway that simply read, “Is it really you?”

I wrote back, “Like I said, get your arse over here.”

Moments later, Celestia teleported into the walkway separating my living room from my kitchen. I was pouring two glasses of chardonnay on the island while she looked around for me frantically.

“Oi.” I said just above my usual volume.

Celestia saw me and various emotions ran their course, making their presence known through her eyes and nearly imperceptible twitches of the muscles in her face. “Maximus!?”

“Fancy a glass, or am I going to have to drink both of these?” I smirked.

She didn’t wait a moment and teleported to me, filling my vision with a field of white fur. I wasn’t expecting her to kiss me, but thankfully she kept it short. “Dear Heavens above, Max, I thought…”

I raised a brow as she held onto my arms. “I heard. Thanks for not letting someone buy my house.”

“I could never!” She exclaimed. “I thought it was for the best to pronounce you dead, but… Some part of me just couldn’t accept that you weren’t coming back. That you weren’t going to come home to us.”

“Is that why you had Berry keep cleaning my house?” I asked.

She gave me a tear filled smile. “Just in case. Maximus, I’m so sorry I sent you away, but-”

I swatted her arms off to the sides and slapped her breasts with both hands, startling the fuck out of her. “What the hay!?” She asked loudly.

I point a finger in her face. “I know full well that you weren’t in control of your actions. The same thing that made me go to Bridleland was the same thing that made you send me off, so don't you go feeling guilty, okay?” Hypocritical as fuck, but still.

Celestia just shook her head. “How could I feel anything but guilty? It was my magic that sent you away, and I was the one who orchestrated the mission for you in the first place-”

“Do you really think that? You don’t think that those Ponies coming back home safe and sound when I left was a little odd? You don’t think that your mind could have been influenced to make me go in the first place? We’re dealing with something far more powerful than anything you’ve ever faced, Celestia. You never stood a chance of not sending me to Bridleland.”

She stood still for a moment, trembling lightly. “I-I never thought of that…”

I gave her a hug, standing on my tip-toes so I wouldn’t have to rest my chin on her breasticles. “You should have, but you know I’m smarter than you.”

Celestia returned the hug, chuckling weakly. “I would hit you for that, but I’m just so happy you’re okay.”

I let her go and she followed suit after a long moment. “So are we going to talk about that kiss, or can we get on to what I did while I was on Earth?”

The Solar Diarch blushed. “If we could avoid mentioning that to Twilight, that would be nice.”

I shrugged. “If she asks, I’m telling her.”

She sighed. “Of course. Do you mind?” She asked, pointing to the wine.

I grabbed one glass and the bottle. “Feel free. I have some stuff to tell you.”

“I’m assuming you already met with Twilight and told her about you trip to Earth today?”

“Yesterday, actually. I would have gotten to you then, but we need to have a private chat.”

She looked a bit worried about that. “What do you mean?”

“You know how you’ve been slowly mind controlling your Ponies into being nice people?” I asked casually.

“...Yes. I suppose you could say that.”

“Well, I did something similar to my Humans. Let’s have a seat and talk about it.” I started toward the living room, but when I didn’t hear Celestia following me, I looked back and saw that she was staring at me. “Celestia?”

She was silent for a minute. “Don’t tell me you used Dark Magic to make your people more kind.”

“That’s exactly what I did.”

Celestia walked over and stared me down. “You called me evil for doing that.”

“And I recognize that my soul is darker than yours for doing it, especially since I knew it was wrong.” I said, averting my eyes.

Her gaze softened. “Then you understand why I did it in the first place.”

“I never said that I didn’t. That’s why I told you that Crimson was in my house instead of just letting him go.” I replied.

She nodded and drained her glass of wine. “Are we sitting on the couch or are we taking different chairs?”

“Whichever you prefer.”

She walked over to the couch and I sat next to her, sipping on my wine instead of downing it like it was a shot like some uncultured people. Once we were seated comfortably, Celestia asked, “So what made you wander down my path?”

I looked into my glass and swirled the pale yellow liquid around. “I saw my world for what it was. I drew up comparisons between England and Equestria and… England just fell flat, I guess. My world was as toxic as I am, and I knew that if I could do some good, even if I was doing it in an evil way, I still needed to do it for the sake of the future.”

“You saw your people’s wicked ways and...? You wanted them to be more like my Ponies?” She asked.

I shook my head. “That’s not really it. I wanted my people to stop hurting each other, to give up on drugs and murder and generally causing each other pain so that they could have the same peace that Equestria has, but without magic to mess things up.”

As I poured her another glass and topped mine up, Celestia said, “I understand you motives, even if you’re not really phrasing them properly at the moment. I’m sure that you took care of rape and murder with your suggestions.” I nodded. “Then you’ve already done some good, even if you stole a bit of free will from your people.”

“My brother’s fiance told me that I’d made a decision that no man should have the right to make. I can’t help but agree with her.” I said softly.

“That’s why you were the one to make it. You see the evil in what you did, the wrongs in the right, and it’s our ability to understand that certain things that must be done that make us the right people for this task, Maximus. That’s what I saw in you when I asked you to become a prince. I saw your willingness to do what must be done for the greater good, for what will benefit the masses rather than yourself. You would make a good leader.” Celestia gave me a sad smile.

I sighed. “You still want to make me a prince, don’t you?”

“Knowing that you’ve done what you’ve done on Earth just cements my former opinion.” She said gently.

“...I don’t want you to stick a horn on me.”

Celestia was about to take a sip of her wine when I said that and put her glass down. “Maximus, are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I lead a group of people, trustworthy people mind you, but a group nonetheless while I was on Earth. A charity called the Safe in Arms Coalition. I had a taste of what it’s like to be a leader. It was bitter to no end, but I recognize that I really am evil enough to be a good leader now and that I can make calls no one else has the stones to make. I just hope you’ll allow me to have Twilight by my side so we can sort out this whole ‘ruling’ thing together.”

“I apologize for my ignorance, but I don’t know what a charity is.”

I explained in depth what the SIAC was, its motives, and how I’d constructed it. I don’t feel like writing it down again, so go fuck yourself if you don’t get it by now. Once I’d explained my experiences, Celestia just shook her head.

“I really can’t criticize you for using magic to ensure loyalty-”

I cut her off. “Oi, I never made anyone be loyal to me in any way, shape, or form.”

She looked at me, confused. “If you didn’t enforce loyalty magically, then why did your people follow you?”

“I don’t really know. I asked multiple people time after time, but no one ever gave me a strong enough answer for me to really understand. I think it was just that they recognized that I had the moral high ground, or that I was trying to make their lives better. Either way, my followers were pretty dedicated anyway.”

“Huh. It sounds like you really did take my path. It’s just that you were more direct in getting your people to be better and less direct in securing their loyalty.”

“In fairness, I didn’t really deal with shitty nobles. Just the common person that needed to be pointed in the right direction or the odd kingpin that needed to be knocked down a peg or three.”

“I see. Well, I am quite sure that you won’t have much in the way of trouble regarding finding loyal ponies to serve you.”

“You say that, but you’re forgetting that you’ve made your ponies racist against pretty much anything that isn’t them.”

“I’ll take care of your naysayers. You just need to hold on and wait until I can get things set up for you and Twilight so you can have a place of your own to rule.” Celestia smiled.

I still don’t want to be a fucking ruler, but I’m going to be one either way if I stay with Twilight. “So when are we going to get the boring stuff out of the way, or is there even going to be a coronation? I don’t remember Shining Armor getting one when he became a prince.”

Celestia shrugged. “He’s not an Alicorn.”

“Neither am I.”

“You have an Alicorn’s magic. Max, have you realized that you’re stronger than Shining Armor yet?”

“...Never really thought about it I guess. It doesn’t hurt that I’m going to have my own True Magic-”

Celestia spat out the wine she’d been sipping. “I beg your pardon.” You didn’t ask, did you?

“Yeah. Noir said that I’ve had True Magic building up inside me ever since I died the second time.”

She cleaned up her mess. “...Huh. Do you know what it is?”

“No clue.” I admitted.

“I have a feeling I know what it is.” Celestia sighed.

I waited for her to speak, but when she didn’t, I asked, “Are you planning on sharing?”

“My best guess would that it has something to do with the Shadows. There was already darkness in you when we first met, and it frankly wouldn’t surprise me to learn that it was the same darkness I felt that’s giving you your power.”

I groaned. “Why can’t I have Friendship Magic or something? Is that even a thing?”

“Yes, actually. It’s Twilight’s thing.” Celestia smiled.

“Okay, so we have two sets of Celestial Magic, Love Magic, and Friendship Magic. I’m going to be absolutely staggered if I get something that doesn’t sound stupid.”

Her smile turned into a disapproving frown. “You realize you’ve just insulted all four of you closest colleagues, right?”

I raised a brow. “Did you forget who I am?”

“Perhaps a bit. I’m going to tell them that you said our magic sounds stupid.”

“No, you can tell Cadance and Twilight that I said their magic sounds stupid. Celestial Magic sounds pretty cool, actually.”

Celestia huffed. “You say that now.”

“I mean it now.”

“We’ll see. So how is your transition back into Equestria going?”

“Well, Twilight, Pinkie, and Fluttershy were happy to see me while Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow wanted to shove their hooves up my arse. Blue was terribly depressed until I smacked it right out of her and Trixie was pretty happy to see me, but her fiance doesn’t like me anymore. It’s been nice and rough at the same time.”

“You know, I’m a little offended that you waited so long to contact me.” Celestia said, sipping her wine.

“I was going to call you over when I finished talking to the girls, but Twilight’s been abstaining from sex while I was away-”

“Okay, that’s all I needed to hear and then some.” Celestia glared at me.

“She’s not your student anymore, right? Does that mean I can give her the good dick?”

“Do you ever think about anything other than sex?”

“I think about food.” I said, remembering a previous conversation.

“Other than those two things.”

“I think about Twilight too.”

She rolled her eyes. “Other than sex, food, and Twilight.”

“Well, I think about sex with Twilight which mostly involves eating her out.”

“You’re bucking ridiculous.”

“No, the way I fuck is ridiculous.” I grinned.

Celestia’s gaze turned sultry and her jaw clenched. “Don’t give me opportunities, Maximus. Twilight would be quite upset with me for flirting with her stallion.”

“You’ve still got seventy-three years, hun. Flirting is the best you’re going to get.”

“I think a kiss a month would be fair.”

I gave her a look and she met it readily. “I think you might want to run that by Twilight and double check with me.”

She conjured up a piece of paper and a pen. “I’m willing to tell Twilight that I kissed you if we can open this up to deliberation.”

I flicked my hand and she started writing. Moments after she sent it off, Twilight was standing in front of her. “Celestia.” She said neutrally.

“Twilight.” Celestia replied.

I raised my hand. “Max.”

They glared at me. “Shut up.” They said in unison.

“Oi! They’re my lips!” I argued.

“They might be yours, but they’re mine.” Twilight said critically. Turning back to Celestia, she said, “Why are you kissing my stallion?”

“I missed him too.”

“That’s really no excuse. Fluttershy didn’t kiss him and she missed Max too.” Twilight said peevishly.

Celestia lifted a brow at her. “Do I look like Fluttershy?”

My lover glared at her. “Keep your hands off until your time is up.”

“That’s what I was going to say.” I commented, checking my nails.

They both turned to me. “If that’s what you were going to say, then why didn’t you just tell me that?” Celestia asked, annoyed.

“If you remember, I said, and I quote, ‘You might want to run that by Twilight and double check with me.’. You never double checked with me.”

Celestia groaned. “Why must you make my life so difficult?”

“You invited it onto yourself.” I said.

Twilight levitated me away from Celestia and sat between us. “So what were you two talking about that needed to stay secret?”

“It’s just personal stuff.” I said conversationally.

“Since when do you cut me out of your ‘personal stuff’?” Twilight asked snappishly.

“Since it involves secrets that aren’t necessarily mine to share. You want a glass of wine or something?” I offered.

“I want to know what you were talking about.” Twilight said.

“Max, go grab some gin. Twilight, we’re going to have a quick talk and you’re not going to be happy with me.” Celestia sighed.

“Gin and rum, or just gin?” I asked.

Celestia’s eyes widened. “Do you have any pineapple rum?”

“I think I do. I was saving it for a special occasion.”

“Your acceptance of your royal duties is a special enough occasion. Take your time when you go and hurry up.” Celestia said.

I rolled my eyes. “The choice is mine, just don’t be late.”

“What are you talking about?”

Twilight interrupted. “It sounds like a song from his world that he showed me.”

“Shut up before I send you to Nirvana.” I said, getting up, collecting my glass and Celestia’s.

“Wasn’t that the artist?” Twilight asked.

I sighed. “Keep it up and I’ll show you how I breed.”

“What does that even mean?” Twilight asked.

“Words and things. I’m gonna go grab some rum.”

And so I went to go grab some rum. When I came back, Celestia and Twilight were hugging and I had to find something to serve rum to princesses with. I decided that cocktail glasses would be stupid, so I went with deep crystal tumblers. I actually did have ice in my ice box, so that was nice. When I got everything poured, I threw an ice cube at them and asked if some one would mind teleporting the glasses so I didn’t have to worry about spilling anything. Once everyone had their rum, Twilight gave it a try and said it was too strong. I thought it was alright, if not a little sweet for my taste and Celestia said that it was actually her favorite kind of rum, which didn’t surprise me at all.

“So I’m guessing the talk went well?” I asked.

“It did. The Princ- Er, Celestia, said that she basically did the same thing that you did, but through a less direct method. I guess I approve.” Twilight curled a lock of hair.

Celestia nodded. “Indeed. I was a bit worried. You could have told me that Twilight understood your motivations, Max.”

“How fun would that be?” I said flippantly.

Celestia’s magic hair touched me somewhere only Twilight has the right to molest me. “Bad Sunbutt! No!”

Twilight looked at me. “What?”

Celestia gave me a sly smile before glancing at Twilight. “Max, I assure you I’m not doing anything.”

“Keep your freaky magic hair to yourself, Molestia.” I said curtly.

“There’s no such thing as magic hair, amour.” Twilight scoffed.

I flipped her skirt with my psychic tentacle and she put it back down, blushing furiously. “Max!”

“It doesn’t necessarily have to be hair.” I said, downing my drink.

Twilight cast a partition between her and Celestia before straight up grabbing the Ol’ Chap. “Keep it up and I’ll squish him!”

I kissed her and made her lose her focus on the wall thingy she’d made. Celestia looked on in mild amusement. “There are at least seven rooms with beds in this house. You two might want to get one of those if you leave your hand there any longer, Twilight.”

Twilight removed her hand slowly, but she was obviously marking her territory, so I just closed my eyes and enjoyed the moment for a few more seconds before drawing myself away from her. “Kiss me any longer and we’ll be finding a room, regardless of how you feel about it.”

My lover gave me lustful look. “Try me, amour.”

I raised my brows and grinned. “Later. So, Celestia, are you going to tell Luna that I’m back or is she going to need a letter?”

“I’ll tell her that you’ve returned. I’m sure you can expect a visit from her soon.” Sunbutt said casually. She drank the rest of her rum and said, “Well, I can see that you two have a bit more catching up to do, so I’ll talk to you later, Max. It’s good to have you back.”

“It’s good to be back, Double Sun. I’ll catch you later.” I said.

With that, Celestia was gone and Twilight tackled me onto the couch, locking lips with me and trying to assert her dominance, but even from my disadvantageous position, I was a better kisser. My hands found their way to Twilight’s hips and held her steady before she lowered herself a bit, leaning on her elbows instead of her hands. The easier access meant a little less room to work with, but that was the reason she’d done it in the first place. Twilight started to pull away and my left hand went from her hip to her mane, holding her head so that she wouldn’t leave me so soon. After another minute of rather pleasant snogging, Twilight gently extricated my hand from her hair and pulled away, though I bit her lower lip to keep her there just a single moment longer.

“Amour~” Twilight cooed.

“Cherry~” I replied, hope tinging my voice.

Her horn lit up twice and my shirt was really fucking tight now. I looked down and saw that my breasts were actually a fair bit larger than I remembered. I guess I wasn’t paying that much attention to myself when Twilight and I were having Quality Time the night before. I looked back up and saw that I was now looking at a purple guy who looked a little like Shining Armour.

“Well hello, handsome.” I said meekly.

“Good evening, beautiful.” Twilight replied huskily.

“...This is going to be the gayest thing I’ve ever done.”

“Oddly enough, this is going to be the most hetero thing I’ve ever done.”

“Huh. Perspective, I guess. Would you mind putting me in something sexy so you can take it off?”

She- Well, he grinned and his horn lit up two more times.. The next thing I knew, Twilight was wearing one of my looser shirts and some of my boxers, and I was wearing some nice lingerie that was a little loose, but when I gave it a good look, I recognized it as the set Twilight had worn for me on my birthday. It actually fit a lot better than I might have expected, though I attributed that to my extra ‘assets’. Twilight gave me a little space and allowed me to stand so he could let his hand wander over my form, stopping wherever he pleased.

Twilight stood and kissed me, resting his hands on my arse and giving it a good squeeze. “Wow… This feels so different as a stallion.”

“Just a heads up, I’m not putting your dick in my mouth.” I warned.

He gave me a look. “I do it for you all the time.”

“You sure do.” I replied.

“...You’re not going to reciprocate?”

“Wasn’t planning on it.”

“That’s not fair!”

“I don’t want dick in my mouth and I don’t like the taste of semen.”

“Have you ever even tried it?”

“Not while I was willing, but yes.”

“...I guess if you don’t want to do it, it’d be unfair to make you.”

I patted his chest. “I’ll give you a lick and we’ll see where we go from there.”

Twilight’s face lit up. “Before we get started, can I get a name as a male since you’re Roxy?”

Uhh… “I guess? Did you have something in mind?”

“How about… Dusk Shine?”

“I was a Dusk Baron, so that’s a cool coincidence. Let’s get to the sex, yeah?”

“You said you’d give me that first lick!” Dusk reminded happily, bouncing in place.

I shook my head and sighed. “This makes me such a faggot.”

Dusk looked me up and down. “You don’t look like a bundle of sticks. Are you okay?”

I took his arm and dragged him towards the stairs. “The longer we talk, the drier I get.”

(Ctrl+F Rule 63 Incoming To Skip)

Dusk stopped talking until I got him upstairs and into my room. Once we were there, he said, “You know, I think it’s just that much easier to appreciate how beautiful you are from a stallion’s perspective.”

I turned on the lights in my room. “The livery doesn’t hurt, I’m sure.”

He wrapped me up in a hug from behind and I shuddered when I felt his cock prod my rear. “Not at all. I think we should get you some for yourself. I’m honestly surprised it fits you so well.”

I held his hands with mine. “It’s because I filled out a bit while on Earth. I think I’m getting closer to being as well endowed as you are at this point.”

Dusk kissed the side of my neck, leading up to my cheek. “I think I like your physique better than mine. I wish I was as slim and toned as you are.”

“I like you soft and huggable. I guess that’s why we work so well~” Dusk squeezed my breasts. “Together.”

“I think it’s just the way we are. Maybe we just-” He grunted as I started wiggling my rear against him, “happen to be that compatible.”

I held his hands and grasped them, making him squeeze a bit more firmly. “So who’s up first? Me or you?”

“You always take care of me first. It’s only fair if I live up to the same standard you set.”

I ran some scenarios through my head and came to the best path. “I agree. Take me to Heaven, tall, dark, and handsome.”

I could hear the smile in his voice. “With pleasure, my pretty little Human.”

Dusk whisked me off of my feet and carried me over to the bed, though I noticed that he used magic because he wasn’t that strong anyway. I guess strength carries over better than I’d thought. Eh, either way, the gesture was romantic and frankly adorable, even if I knew that he was weak as fuck. Seriously, I’m not that heavy!

He set me down on the bed more gently than he could have under his own strength, but I held my tongue and waited for him to spread my legs. He didn’t go for the added sexiness of removing my knickers with his teeth, but I was willing to put up with a fair amount of oversight and corner cutting since this was Dusk’s first time as a man. I waited for a moment and he started kissing my thighs as I’d done for him a thousand times, but each one felt different than it usually did with Twilight. His lips were just different, though I did like that he alternated between thighs with each kiss. I felt my breathing hitch once or twice while he got closer to the end goal, and when he placed a kiss on my hood, I enjoyed it more than I thought I would.

“Are you ready?” Dusk asked, his voice telling me that he was waiting for me.

“Just don’t try to rush it.” I replied softly.

He nodded and gave me a lick to test the waters before teasing my entrance with his tongue. It. He licked at my labia patiently until the first moan escaped my lips, and once it did, he gave me his tongue slowly, easing it deeper into my folds until I felt it go as far as it could. I found myself a little grossed out by the prospect of being eaten out by another man, but I reminded myself that I was a woman and this was Twilight, just in a different form. I owed it to her to let her try sex as a man since she’d been willing to indulge me on multiple occasions, but it still felt incredibly wrong.

My legs slowly started to close as Dusk worked his tongue as deep as he could reach, so I focused on keeping them apart to the best of my abilities and kept a hand on his head so I could play with his ears. I don’t know why it calmed me down, but it did and I eased up a little bit, allowing my orgasm to build naturally. I’m sure I’ve gone over the process of good cunnilingus enough times for you to get the point, Twilight, and it’s not like you’re bad at it yourself. If you’re not Twilight or Celestia and you’re reading this, I’m going to fucking kill you anyways, new lease on life or not, so tuck your head between your legs and kiss your arse goodbye. Lick the hole if you feel like it because I’m going to slice it open with a fucking broadsword when I find you.

Promises of anal violation by sharp steel aside, Dusk got me off in about fifteen minutes and it was now my turn to give him the succ. I pulled him onto the bed since there was plenty of space and mentally prepared myself as I pulled off the boxers covering the tent he was putting up. When his member sprang into view, I couldn’t help but be fucking relieved out of my mind. The guy had to be five or so inches fully hard, though he was a little on the girthy side. Dusk and I stared at his dick for a moment and I had to stop myself from laughing out of sheer happiness.

“...It’s smaller than I thought it’d be.” Dusk said.

“You have no idea how happy this makes me. I’d win in a dick measuring contest.” I took his member into my hand and started stroking it softly, making it grow another centimeter or two.

“It’s not even close to yours!”

“What can I say? I’m pretty great all ‘round.” I inspected his member carefully and found that it looked really fucking weird. I mean, it was obviously a dick, but it wasn’t anything like a Human’s. I’d never seen a horse’s cock out of its sheath before, but I was pretty certain that it looked something like this, but bigger.

“...I feel a little inadequate.” Dusk said softly.

I gave him the lick I’d promised. “If it makes you feel any better, if you were any larger, I wouldn’t have had the stomach to do this.”

He gave me a funny look. “Do what-” I cut him off by engulfing his rod with my mouth, swirling my tongue around it. “Oh yeah~” He shuddered.

I whirled my tongue around his oddly shaped tip and stroked his shaft with my thumb and forefinger since I couldn’t wrap my hand around it while sucking. Still he tried bucking his hips from beneath me, so I figured I’d be nice and give him what he wanted for the time being, letting go of his shaft so I could use my mouth and nothing else. Honestly, it was a bit like sucking on a warm lolly that twitched every now, and since he wasn’t as big as I’d expected him to be, I felt a lot less homo for doing it. Maybe I just have hang-ups about giving blowjobs.

After I nearly bit him because he was bucking so hard, I held Dusk down so I could actually get some work done and bobbed my head along his member. Once he calmed down and started shuddering, I wondered what the fuck was happening until he sprayed his first shot into my mouth, its horrible, slimy texture nearly making me gag already. It had only taken like, five minutes to get him off and I knew that it wasn’t because of my skill. I blanched, but I remained ever the trooper and waited three more shots until he just stopped shooting. He was still in the throes of his orgasm for a few more seconds, but there wasn’t anything coming out, so I just held his seed in the back of my throat until he fell still, panting heavily. When Dusk propped himself up on his elbows thirty seconds later, he was still flaccid in my mouth, so I removed his soft member from from my mouth and showed him what I’d collected. He gestured for me to come forward, so I crawled over him and he kissed me, scooping his seed out of my mouth before flinching and pulling away.

We both had a hard time swallowing after that, but he managed first. “Alright, I see why you weren’t eager to do that now.”

I made a face. “I know right? You taste like grape flavoured medicine.” I reached back and grabbed his dick, making him twitch. “So how hard am I going to have to work to get you ready again?”

“I have no clue.” Dusk admitted.

I shrugged and turned around, showing him my arse. “Let’s see how this goes then.”

He put a finger in a place he knew he wasn’t supposed to, so I bounced up off of the bed, getting about a foot or so in the air and kicked him with both feet in the chest quite hard before landing right next to him.

“You fucking know better!” I chided.

He let out a strangled groan and rolled over. “Oww…”

I sat on my knees and crossed my arms, glaring at him. “I’m not sorry.”

“Uugghhh.” He coughed a couple of times.

I sat and glared until he rolled back over. “Have you learned your lesson?”

“I thought you promised to never hurt me!” Dusk protested, holding his chest.

“That was when you didn’t have a dick. Women abuse men all the fucking time and no one says a damned thing about it, so don’t you try to pull that on me.”

“I knew I should’ve rolled over.” He moaned.

“Too fucking bad. Are you ready to play nice, or do I have to spank you?”

“I’ll play nice.” He said shyly.

I crawled between his legs and continued glaring at him. “No bucking this time.”

“No bucking.”

“And if you cum without giving me warning, I’m biting you.”

He gulped. “I’ll tell you before it happens.”

I nodded. “That’s what I thought.”

I gave his still limp member a lick before trying to revive it by stroking it. When that didn’t work, I took the floppy appendage in my mouth and sucked hard, trying to use my mouth as a penis pump while teasing his tip with my tongue, but after three minutes of nonstop assistance, he was only at half mast. I sighed to myself and kept going until he was hard again, which took a lot longer than I would have liked, but once he was up again, I was relieved that we could just get on with it.

Dusk was ready to go, so I laid down and told him, “I can show you any position you like. We don’t have to do the standard thing.”

“I think I’d like to try the standard thing first, if it’s all the same to you”

I nodded and spread my legs for him, though I had to guide him to my entrance. When he managed to get the tip in, he let out a loud grunt and I smiled, happy that he was already enjoying himself, but kind of sickened by the feeling of having a dick inside of me. Sucking it had been one thing, but to have one inside of me just felt weird like nothing else. Still, I gave him the benefit of a doubt and waited until he was all the way in to let out a little moan, but when he started shuddering, I knew things were going horribly wrong terribly fast. I felt his seed dribble into me slowly, but when he went to pull out, I wrapped my legs around him and pulled him in for a kiss, hoping to galvanize my lover into not being sucky at sex. I understand that no one’s first time is all that good, but the guy was doing pretty poorly all around. Hell, I’d lasted three full minutes my first time, and if this was how Dusk’s family performed in bed, I understood why Cadance had taken to bondage so quickly.

While we were kissing, Dusk began to harden again far more quickly than he had the last time and I figured that locking lips was the trick to keeping him hard. I moaned through my nose once he was fully erect again and let him go, though I kept a handful of his hair so he wouldn’t break the kiss. My lover started thrusting slowly, but after his rod popped out for the second time, I kept my legs wrapped around him so it wouldn’t keep happening. That being said, he did a lot better when I got him into a rhythm and this time, he lasted exactly forty-one thrusts before he started shuddering again. I wasn’t anywhere close, but I appreciated the effort he’d shown and it hadn't exactly been shit for a first time, though him falling on top of me was a mood killer like no other.

(Ctrl+F Rule 63 Incoming To Skip)

With another inward sigh, I hugged him and tried not to rasp under his weight, but the guy was a lot heavier than the bookworm I’d come to know and love. After five minutes, I realized he was out fucking cold, so I rolled my eyes and yanked one of his ears, making him jolt and pick himself up. Rubbing his ear, he looked around.

“Wait, what happened?” He asked cluelessly.

“You fell asleep on me. This is why I gave your brother advice on sex.”

Dusk blushed hard. “Oh.”

I patted his cheek consolingly. “It’s okay, cherry. We’ll make you into a real man yet”

“... I did pretty badly, didn’t I?”

“It’s your first time as a guy. I wasn’t expecting it to be good.”

“...Oh.”

I rolled my eyes. “We’ll give it another go some other time. Since you’re awake now, can you turn back into Twilight and go down on me?”

“...I didn’t even come close to getting you off, did I?”

“You’re still skilled with your tongue, cherry. Don’t expect to be good with something you’ve had less than a day.”

He sighed. “Still…” His horn lit up and he changed back into my favorite Unicorn again. “I guess I would’ve liked it if I could be as good as you are.”

I grabbed Twilight’s arm and unbalanced her, switching places so I was on top. “It takes practice, Twilight. Rome wasn’t built in a day, after all.”

She looked up at me. “...Your hair got really long.”

I brushed it all to one side, making it pool around my right hand. “It really has. I guess being on Earth made my hair grow really fast.”

“I like it when you have long hair.”

“I like your dick. It’s comfortable.”

She blushed brightly. “I was trying to make a moment and you just had to go and ruin it.”

“Twilight, every second we spend together is a moment I want to remember for the rest of my life, good and bad.” I said honestly.

“...Are you talking about the intercourse we just had?”

I rolled my eyes, opened my mouth to say something, then rolled them the other way. “Look, it was bad. Let’s try again and make it good, okay?” I backed off and let her sit up.

“Well... I can’t really say that I’m in the mood right now.”

I came in for a kiss, lowering myself so I wasn’t craning my neck to do so. After a few moments, Twilight started kissing back until she started tugging at the negligee. I pulled away and let her strip me so that we could begin again, but this time, with both of us in our element.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I woke up early to get that part written down and stopped when Twilight started stirring. I’d taken the time to look through my clothes and found that Berry Blitz had been keeping my stuff washed, so that was pretty nice. Twilight tried on a few things and settled for a skirt that came a bit above mid thigh along with the matching socks we’d bought to go with them oh-so long ago. The skirt fit her waist with no problem, but her hips made it hang higher than it should have, so now all of the clothes that Twilight had kept at my house were pretty much Roxy’s. She didn’t push me to wear any of my tight shirts since they were actually too tight now, so we gathered up the stuff we couldn’t wear and teleported them into my living room, neatly folded and prepared for whatever.

While we were changing, I pointed out that neither of us had taken a shower and that I didn’t want to be a woman all day, so Twilight changed me back and we took a bath instead of a shower. My lover decided that my lap was her preferred seat and that the Ol’ Chap was best rested between her legs, so I got up close and personal with my back washing and had to tell Twilight that handjobs in water just weren’t all that pleasant. Not being one to waste a good thing, she waited until after we were dried off to take me back to the bed and do some illicit things. Once the funnest part of the morning so far was over, I was allowed to collect some clothes so we could teleport to Twilight’s place to get dressed. She’d wanted to wear the skirt she’d picked out at my place, but I told her that it was just too mini for it to be decent in public.

“Max, I’m a princess. I’m pretty sure I can wear whatever I want.” She said stubbornly.

I lifted a brow at her and put my boxers on. “Cherry, that’s exactly why you can’t wear that skirt. If you went to pick something up, you’d be flashing half the town.”

She lived up to her pet name. “Oh.”

With my trousers on, I looked over to her again. “Are you just going to keep staring, or are you going to find something to wear?” I jested.

Her blush intensified. “Sorry, I didn’t realize I was being rude.”

I came over and gave her a quick peck with my shirt in hand. “I never said that you were.”

“Well, staring is generally considered rude.”

“Not when you’re admiring your boyfriend’s sexiness. Speaking of your boyfriend, what can he do to make this your perfect day?”

Twilight blinked before looking me up and down. “Take those pants off and we’ll guess from there.”

I raised a brow at her. “Later. What else could we do?”

“Cuddle. All day. No interruptions.”

Someone knocked on her bedroom door and I held it closed with my tentacle. “Yes?” Twilight called out.

“Twi, it’s Applejack! Are ya decent?”

My lover sighed. “Not yet! Give me a moment please!”

“Girl, I’ve seen ya naked a hundred times!” Applejack said through the door.

Twilight’s blush returned, so I said, “How many times was a man half naked in the same room?”

I heard Applejack walk away and chuckled. “Modesty is so funny.”

Twilight hit me. “You’re awful, you know that?”

“Yet you love me anyways.” I grinned and walked over to her dresser.

The purple mage/wizard/princess followed shortly. “Max! Why are you going through my underwear!?”

I pulled out something pink and satin-y. “I like these. Are they comfy?”

“W-Well yes, but-”

I handed them to her and opened the drawer with her bras. I found the matching one that had some white lace on it and handed that to her too. “I’m sure Applejack’s waiting for you downstairs.”

She went to say something and thought better of it. Instead of whatever she was going to say, she said, “Can you go and talk to Applejack while I get ready?”

“...That’s not the greatest idea, cherry.”

“I know, but I’d like a little privacy while changing.”

I gave her the flattest, blandest, most ‘Are you serious right now?’ look I could conjure up and she started turning into a female copy of Macintosh. She didn’t say anything else, but then again, she wasn’t putting anything on, so I just puffed and left her room to head downstairs. I spotted Applejack in the kitchen reading the morning paper, doing her best to ignore the fuck out of me while I got some coffee prepared. Once it was ready, I poured three mugs and set one down in front of her, though she still remained silent.

Leaning against the counter, I drilled holes into Applejack’s head while waiting for her to say something. When she still tried to ignore me, I got tired of her bullshit and said something. “Alright, I get that you’re not happy with me-”

“Ya think?” She interrupted bitterly.

“Being a twat isn’t going to change anything and I can’t change what already happened, so at least try to be civil.”

She put the paper down angrily and glared at me. “Ignorin’ ya is a lot more civil than I feel like bein’, so why don’t you just leave me alone until I get over it?”

I sipped my coffee. “Because we’re friends.”

“A lot can change over two years.”

“I noticed.”

“Then why don’t ya go pester Rarity or somethin’? She’s just as upset with ya as I am.”

“Because Rarity isn’t in front of me right now. Today’s supposed to be our day to reconnect anyway.”

“And I was plannin’ on havin’ Twilight tell ya to reschedule to never. I don’t wanna bother with somepony who ain’t gonna be around.” Applejack glared at the table.

“You know how unfair that is. I don’t need to explain that to you.”

“I can't help how I feel, Max!” Applejack shouted. “Ya just dropped off the face of Equestria after sendin’ everypony those vague little notes, expectin’ us to wait for ya to come back!” She rose from her seat. “It might be news to ya, but some of us made our peace with you never comin’ back! Just when we thought that wound was startin’ to heal, you show up and expect everypony to kiss your ass-”

“Who the fuck do you think I am?” I asked incredulously. “Do you honestly think I’m that kind of person? I get that not everyone is going to be thrilled about me coming back, but we’re fucking friends, Applejack! Through all the bullshit we’ve gone through, weathering all the nonsense you threw at me, we are friends! Yeah, so I hoped that people would happy to see me when I came back! I hoped that you would be happy to see me! Who the fuck isn’t happy to see a friend they thought was dead!?”

“I ain’t sayin’ I’m not happy to see you-”

I got up in her face. “That’s fucking bullshit! All you’ve done is come after me since you first laid eyes on me! What else am I supposed to think about that!?”

Applejack set her jaw, but didn’t say anything else, so I asked, “What’s the real problem here? If you’re happy to see me, happy to know that I’m really alive, then why are you so pissed about it?”

She let loose a breath. “I told ya that I can’t help the way I feel. I just need some time.”

I took a couple of steps back. “You know where I live. When you’re ready to talk, I’m ready to listen.”

She nodded and headed out the door just as Twilight was coming down the stairs. They went outside for a moment and I sighed, reaching for my coffee. It was still good, but the bitterness was even stronger than it usually tasted, which I attributed to the confrontation with Applejack. Seriously, it wasn’t like I was asking her to welcome me back with open arms or anything. I just wanted to know that she didn’t fucking hate me for something I couldn’t control. It pissed me off that she was feeling angry about my sudden departure, but that’s just how fate had things slated for us… It fucking sucks.

Twilight came back in with a dour look on her face, so I offered her a half smile that she returned. “How’s the coffee?”

I shrugged. “Strong enough to put you on your arse.”

“Perfect. Pinkie stopped by to tell me that she wants that favour you owe her repaid today.”

“So much for a day full of cuddles.” I sighed.

“Oh, no, that’s still happening. It’s going to be here and I’m going to watch.” Twilight said, picking up her mug.

“Sweet. Are we going to have two of them going at the same time?”

“Nope. You’re going to get Pinkie off and she wants me to clean it when she’s done.”

“...And you just agreed to that?”

She shrugged. “It’s the price of admission.”

“Okay then. I guess you’re going to learn what pink personified tastes like today.”

“I’m betting it’s bubblegum.” Twilight theorized.

“If it’s cotton candy, you owe me a blowjob.”

“If I’m right, you owe me a tummy rub.”

I stuck my hand out and she shook it, so I went to the icebox and knocked a couple of times. “Oi! Pinkie!”

The icebox opened and Pinkie vaulted over the side. “How do you always know where I’m hiding!?”

I shrugged. “You put yourself there because I’m looking for you, duh.”

Pinkie gave me a black look and I turned toward Twilight, a little frightened. “Let’s get this show on the road, yeah?”

We got the show on the road. I’m pretty sure I’ve described the thing with Pinkie Pie before, and I don’t really want to record it anyways, so I’m just going to say that I’m glad she chose to sit on something that was easy to clean. I won my bet with Twilight, so I had something good to look forward later in the night, but there was also the fact that Spike walked in on me pleasuring Pinkie just as she was in the midst of her climax. The look on his face was priceless, and when Pinkie looked at him, gasping for air, he raised his hands and backed out of the room. I’m sure no one missed the tent in his pants as he did so, but then again, the poor fellow probably didn’t know how to handle the situation anyways. I wouldn’t have, to be fair.

After we were finished with the favour, Pinkie asked if we wanted to do some baking since she was over and I told them that I’d be watching them carefully. Twilight assured me that they hadn't done anything completely retarded in a year or more, so when I caught them trying to flambe cupcakes, I told them to knock it off before they ruined their streak. I received two scoffs for my efforts before a pastry fucking exploded for no apparent reason. It was a delicious mistake, but a mistake nonetheless.

Pinkie left around noon and I ended up eating most of the baked goods we’d made, so I was okay on food for the time being. With that being said, Twilight and I decided that it was pretty pertinent for me to actually get some food in my house, so we went shopping for various ingredients and cookbooks so I could fucking eat at my own place. I hadn't actually had a home cooked meal since I’d been back, and I wanted to have one, even if I had to make it myself. We’d ended up picking up cookbooks that were geared towards cooking for get-togethers and the like so I could eat my fill and be perfectly fine, though that meant I was spending a pretty fair amount of money on food.

With Pinkie’s visit out of the way and my food situation sorted, Twilight suggested we go to Rarity’s to have me remeasured for future use. The only problem I had with that was the fact that Applejack had just told me earlier that Rarity wouldn’t be terribly happy to see me, but Twilight maintained that Rarity could keep her feelings out of her work like the professional business woman she was. Sadly, no matter my protests, Twilight wasn’t listening to me and ended up just teleporting us right outside of Rarity’s shop. She went right on in and I followed shortly after, sighing and buckling up for more bullshit.

Rarity was in the front of her shop for once, doing some bookkeeping while waiting for customers. When she saw Twilight, she beamed, but when she saw me, her smile faltered. “Twilight! Max. How can I help you?”

Twilight smiled. “We were hoping that you could take Max’s measurements and have a new suit made for him. Nothing fits quite right since he came back from Earth.”

Rarity gave her the one of the fakest smiles I’d ever seen. “I’m sorry Twilight, but I’m not taking any new orders at the moment.”

Twilight stopped smiling. “Oh. Can you at least take his measurements then? I don't know of anypony more accurate-”

“I really am sorry, darling, but I’m just managing my ledger for the day. I’m sure you understand.”

“I don’t.” Twilight said, her voice hardening.

Rarity glanced at me and I sighed. “Let’s just go, cherry. I told you Rarity wouldn’t be up to the task.”

The marshmallow-y one glared at me, but addressed Twilight. “Perhaps you could stop by some other time?” Without me, of course.

Twilight crossed her arms, but before she could say anything, I spoke. “Thank you for your time, bonny. We’ll see you later.”

My lover turned her glare to me and I shook my head, gesturing for her to lead the way out of the shop. She walked quickly and I had to take extra long strides to keep up, but it wasn’t like she was running away or anything. Once we got away from Rarity, Twilight started in.

“I can’t believe her! She prides herself on being able to handle any customer, no matter how difficult they might be, and here she is lying to get out of doing something as simple as doing measurements! I asked her yesterday what she was going to be doing today and she told me that it wasn’t going to be anything important!” Twilight fumed.

“Rarity’s just upset with me, cherry. Don’t expect her to want to deal with me just yet.” I said, putting an arm around her waist.

Twilight looked at my hand. “We’ll talk about Rarity in a moment. I don’t remember you ever putting your hand there.”

“I guess we’re trying something new.” I answered simply.

“...I like it. Moving onto Rarity again-”

“There’s no point, cherry. She and Applejack just need some time, okay? They’ll come around when they’re ready.”

She sighed heavily. “If you say so, I guess we can wait for them.”

“There’s no we on this one. You’ve been with them the past two years. You’re still friends with them. It’s me they don’t want to be around quite yet.”

“...Let’s go see Fluttershy.” Twilight said, dejected.

I didn’t have anything to say to that, so I just suggested that we grab Fluttershy and get her to come to my place so I could cook lunch for us. Twilight agreed that lunch at my place sounded nice, so she asked if we should invite Spike and I was all for it since I hadn't had a chance to sit him down and talk man to man yet. I had Twilight fly over to Fluttershy’s since she had wings and wasn’t wearing a skirt so I could go and talk to Spike. When I got to the Treebrary, I smelled a smelly smell. A smelly smell that smelled a little like protein, so when I got to Spike room, I picked the lock silently and flung the door open while standing off to the side. I heard him scramble to get his pants back on and listened to his heartbeat fucking skyrocket, which I found hilarious.

“H-Hello?” He called out meekly.

I turned the corner and tried not to laugh. “Hullo Mr. Wanker.”

“Max!? What did you do that for!? How did you do that!?”

“I’m magic. Wash your claws and get ready. We’re having lunch at my place.”

“...So you know exactly what I was doing.”

I rolled my eyes. “I was sixteen once. Actually, I was sixteen for like, three hundred and sixty-five or so days."

“Right… Don’t mention this to Twilight, okay? She still doesn’t know what I do when my door is locked.”

“Oh, I’m not going to snitch you out just yet. I’m going to use this as leverage just in case you ever try and be a little shit.” I grinned evilly.

“Dude!”

“Come on, Captain Wanker. We’ve got work to do in the kitchen.”

“Do I really have to wash my claws?”

I gave him a ‘What the fuck?’ kinda look. “What the fuck? Of course you do! No one wants to eat your jizz without being notified first!”

“...Dude. That’s weird.”

“It’s weirder that you don’t wash your hands after beating your meat you creepy fuck.”

He held his hands out, stared me in the eyes and blew fire on them for like, ten seconds straight. “I don’t wash my hands anymore.”

“Great, now you have burnt jizz on your hands. Go wash ‘em.” I pointed behind me with my thumb.

“Since when are you my dad?” He asked, crossing his arms.

“Since I can still take you down without a problem.” I crossed my own.

“Try me.” He challenged.

I picked up up with my tentacle, lifted him to the ceiling and dropped him. “Keep fucking with me, Spike. You’re forgetting that I’ve been in more fights than people you know. Hell, I’ve killed more people than you talk to.”

Spike picked himself up off of the floor and glared at me. “You can’t just disappear for two years and think I’m just going to follow you wherever you go, dude!”

“I’m not. I’m expecting you to have lunch with Twilight, Fluttershy and myself. It’s perfectly reasonable.”

“You just dropped me from the ceiling! That hurt!”

“Dragons are tough. I should know; I’ve fought multiple.”

He stormed past me and went to the bathroom. “I’m not washing my hands because you told me to!”

“Alright mate.”

Spike finally came out of the bathroom two minutes later and we took a trip outside. On the walk back to my place, I asked how things had worked out between him, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom. He said that he was officially dating Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom as of a year ago and that Scootaloo had found that she just didn’t want to be with stallions, though that didn’t surprise me much. He and Scootaloo still did stuff together, but they weren’t romantically involved, though she had started something interesting with Sweetie Belle. He mentioned that he’d seen them kissing once, but hadn't asked about it and I told him that he was smarter for not poking his nose into their business.

I didn’t bother asking how far he’d gotten with any of them since I really just didn’t want to know, though I did mention to him that there was a woman who’d shown interest in him a couple of years ago. He shrugged it off, stating that it probably didn’t matter but I reminded him that it had been a proper woman instead of a young lady like he was currently seeing. Spike perked up and asked about who it was, and when I told him that it was Fleur de Lis, he was staggered like I’d told him that Rarity wanted his dick or something.

We chatted casually after that and he told me that he’d missed me a lot while I was away and that he’d been trying to stick to what I’d told him about being a real man. I complimented him on his diligence, though I also reminded him that being a little shit was doing the exact opposite of what I’d told him to do. He asked how he was being a little shit and I explained that unnecessary backtalk and trying to make me eat his baby gravy was just fucked up beyond all meaning and he let it slip that no one had said anything. I gagged and told him to stop baking things for Pinkie when she came by randomly, and when he asked why, I asked him if he’d ever bothered to wash his hands before doing so. He blushed brightly and wondered out loud if she knew when he was doing the wankable because it always seemed like she popped up right after, asking him to do some hands on baking. I asked him if the legal age in Equestria had been set yet and he told me that he was officially okay to do the sexuals. I advised him to keep it to people he loved and he mentioned that Pinkie had offered to spend some Quality Time with him. He didn’t get what it meant in the moment, but the conversation we’d been having clued him in. I told him that the final result was up to him, but warned him that his girls might be a bit offended that he didn’t want to give them his first time.

That’s when I learned that he had two dicks. I didn’t need to know that.

I told Spike to stop talking after he told me that and asked a few questions about how he and Twilight had coped with the loss of their Human. He said that he’d been sad once he realized that I wasn’t coming back anytime soon, but Twilight had always told him that our necklaces would have let either of us know if the other was gone for good. I knew that my necklace had winked distress every now and again, but it hadn't really stuck around. I realized that those winks could have been entire days of Twilight being in pain, but when Spike said that he’d never left Twilight’s side, I couldn’t do much more than than him for sticking next to her.

We got to my place during a lull in the conversation, though Twilight and Fluttershy were already there, getting lunch prepared and ready to go. Twilight was pretty much just letting Fluttershy do the cooking, so when Spike and I arrived, the three people who actually knew how to cook banded together and started working like a well oiled machine. We decided to make some fettuccine alfredo because I fucking love that shit, though Fluttershy and Spike were a little staggered by the amount we were going to make. In the cookbook that was supposed to be cooking for a six person plus family, I’d added a bit more to the recipe and they were a little unsure that I would be able to consume all of the leftovers. Twilight mentioned that I’d broken Applejack and Rainbow’s buffet record by a good margin and I just giggled a bit at that. I still could have fit another plate or two in after that.

Once we got stuff cooked, I started devouring like I wasn’t going to have another meal in the day and though I kept it polite as usual, Spike couldn’t help but stare.

I took a break from eating to ask him a question. “Are you checking me out, mate? You like what you see?”

Spike blushed hard. “What!? N-No, that’s not it, I-”

“So what? You think I’m ugly or something?” I challenged.

“No, it’s not that either! It’s just-”

“I bet you just like seeing me with white stuff all around my mouth, don’t you? Pervert.”

Twilight and Fluttershy giggled while Spike flustered. “Dude!”

I looked to the ladies. “I’d tell you two to be careful about eating alfredo in front of this little pervert, but I think he’s more interested in ‘stallions’.” I turned back to Spike. “I bet you’ve been lusting after Macintosh and I all these years, haven’t you? You’ve got the big, strong farm boy and you’ve got the sly, roguish lad. Who makes your willy go wild, Spike? Me or Macintosh?”

“Neither!” He cried. “I’m not gay!”

“So you’re not gay for either of us.” I raised my brows, feigning surprise. “You couldn’t be lusting after Shining! He’s your brother, Spike!”

Spike choked on nothing and started coughing while the girls started laughing, giving up the joke. “Max! That was so mean!” Twilight lightly swatted my shoulder.

Once she got her breath back, Fluttershy said, “I thought it was funny.”

I nudged Twilight. “See? Fluttershy gets it.”

Spike glared at me. “You know I’m not gay!”

“Of course. How else would you have two girlfriends?” I asked matter-of-factly.

Spike groaned. “Dude, you suck so much.”

“I’d only suck on Twilight.” I stated.

“Dude!”

Twilight hit me harder. “Max!”

“Fuck me in the ass, won’t you? You know the gender reversal spell, right?” I winked at her.

“...I do. We could try it.” Twilight changed into some male clothes and then turned into Dusk.

I gave him a peck on the cheek. “Come on, Spike. You wanna watch?”

He stared at us and got up from my kitchen table, backing away slowly while Fluttershy, Dusk, and I stared at him expectantly. “...I don’t need to know. I don’t want to know.”

Dusk wrapped his arms around me and hung off of me. “Are you sure? You don’t want to see your brothers get really weird?”

Fluttershy coughed and raised her hand. “I-I’d like to watch.”

Spike sighed. “Does anypony mind if I just take my plate and go?”

Dusk did the process of changing back into Twilight. “We’re just playing around, Spike. Please come back to lunch.”

He did so begrudgingly, though I was paying more attention to the disappointed look on Fluttershy’s face. We finished up with lunch quickly enough and Spike said that he was going to go see Sweetie Belle for a milkshake. Fluttershy stayed behind and eventually I figured out that she was just waiting for a good time to ask for a Devil’s Threesome. It was given to her, though Dusk was the first one out, so I ended up fucking Fluttershy for a good hour while Dusk sat off to the side, alternating between male and female forms while masturbating. It was interesting enough to watch, though I was more disappointed that she didn’t want to join in and lick Fluttershy at all. I managed to convince her to eat my seed out of Fluttershy when the time came and that was pretty hot, so I was rigid before they were done. The buttery fluttery one wanted to try going down on Twilight while getting her rear reamed, so I grabbed the lube from my nightstand and had myself a good time. My lover later said that Fluttershy was awful with her tongue, but in her defense, I don’t think Applejack ever trained her properly.

When Fluttershy flew home because her legs weren’t working properly, Twilight teleported us back to her house and I started writing after puffing on my pipe a few times. Going a month without smoking had made my tolerance fall through the floor, so I was rather slumped on Twilight for a little bit, though she was soaking up the contact. Eventually, she just had me put my head in her lap and we continued smoking on her supply. She’d had Briar Rose keep up the good work on my garden, so we had plenty of herb to smoke and Twilight had even found a way to germinate the plants without ruining the whole crop. I was just happy that we still had weed to smoke.

I picked up where I’d left off on A Star-Crossed Love when I came down a bit and reviewed my notes for the book. I remembered the direction I’d wanted to take it in, so I got a chapter or three done before I moved on to writing in my journals, despite Twilight’s insistence that I keep at it. The creative flow just petered out after a little bit and there wasn’t anything I really wanted to do with the story, so I didn’t want to keep writing just in case it went badly. My lover was a little irritable when I told her that I’d get my journals written out before continuing on the story, but she still let me do what I wanted without too much fuss, so it’s been nice.

I imagine that we’ll carry on late into the evening with some more cuddles and a few more tender caresses from time to time. Or I might fall asleep. Twilight just asked if I wanted to smoke a bowl from her pipe and I agreed since I’m a sucker for her and good weed, but those two together make me an absolute fool. Cheers to you, cherry. It’s been a rough homecoming, however, I’m just glad you were happy to have me back.

Author's Note

Welcome home. I'm sure some reactions will expected while others are going to be left fielders.

Author's note at the bottom of the page because the spoiler function doesn't actually work anymore for some odd reason. At least not in the author's note part, which is some suck.
The spoiler is that Twilight felt Max immediately when he arrived on Equus. He didn't suddenly feel her presence because he isn't as sensitive to the magic in it as Twilight is.

As Always, Timey Wimey
Stay Cool, Kids.

Chapter Forty-Two: Pauper Turned Prince
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Forty-Two: Pauper Turned Prince

Chapter Forty-Two: Pauper Turned Prince

I woke up and my heart pounded in my chest once I laid eyes on the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen: An amazing woman that I could call my own, a work of art beyond all others. Princess Twilight Sparkle is and will always be a sight to behold in the morning light, or in any light, to be honest with you. Her occasional snores are simply adorable, and the soft sound of the breath escaping her lips lulls me into a sense of tranquility unrivaled by any other source I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. A luckier man alive might exist, but he’ll never have what I have, who I have. If there’s anything I like about my life, it’s that my Twilight is in it and she allows me to call her mine. If you’ve never experienced the feeling, then there’s no real way to describe it, but I’m hoping that you feel the same way, Twilight. I’m sure you do, but if you’re not her and you’re peering into my deepest thoughts, then I’m going to do to you what I did to Graham on a smaller scale. Maybe just ten minutes of terribly incomparable pain.

As I gazed upon my lover, my fiance, I noticed that a lock of hair was out of place. I wondered how it had gotten onto her cheek and debated on whether or not I should move it. On one hand, it made Twilight look even more kissable, but on the other, it was blocking my view of her wonderful countenance. I was stuck in a battle of philosophies that seemed to wage on, befuddled as to how I should handle the conundrum in front of me. I decided to suck it up and move the lock so I wouldn’t get it stuck in my mouth when I went to kiss her cheek.

When my lips made contact with Twilight, she stirred slightly, her eyelids twitching. My fiance moved a bit closer to me and now our noses were nearly touching. If her horn hadn't gotten longer, I would’ve been able to kiss her, but fate had decided to throw the smallest of roadblocks into my path. I stepped over it by scooting gently down the bed so my forehead wasn’t making contact with the bony appendage and gave her a light kiss, a mere brushing of my lips against hers. She stirred once more and her lips curved into a slight smile. I could hear her breathing pick up slightly and her heartbeat quicken, tipping me off that I’d woken her up.

Not being one to waste time, I gave her a real kiss, breaking our ‘No kisses before coffee’ rule entirely. I felt as though we were entitled to a little rule breaking, and it’s not like Twilight disagreed if the hushed enthusiasm behind her reciprocation was anything to go by. For once since I returned, I was the one to break the kiss.

“Good morning, my sweet cherry.” I said softly.

“Not awake yet. Try again later.” Twilight replied dreamily.

I kissed her again. “It’s later, right?”

“Keep ‘em coming and I might even open my eyes.” She jibed.

My next target was her nose. “How many more are we talking?”

“Hmm… Somewhere in the next ten to twenty.”

I rolled my eyes and licked her horn, making her shiver and open her eyes. “That’s cheating.” She ‘complained’.

“Did it feel nice?”

Twilight blushed and rolled her eyes. “Don’t you have a saying about asking silly questions?”

I smiled. “I sure do. Ask six times to make sure they’re just as silly as they were when you thought of them.”

Twilight propped herself up on an elbow and pushed be onto my back so she could lay her head on my chest. “What time is it?”

“The sun is kinda up, but not really. I’d say its early dawn.”

“Then stop talking and let me listen.”

I was confused my that until I realized that she meant that she was listening to my heartbeat. To a point, I forgot that other people couldn’t hear them all the time like I could, but memories of not being all-hearing came back to me and I tried to calm down a little. My heart was still pounding in my chest quite loudly, I assumed, and I was sure that it was just going to wake Twilight up, which wasn’t what I wanted until I realized that it was exactly what I wanted. Twilight being awake meant more kisses. I like those.

I closed my eyes and paid careful attention to Twilight everything. The way the fur on her shoulder blades felt against my hands, the particular pattern of her main muscle, the easy puffs of her breathing. Of course the weight of her head on my chest was noteworthy, but I attributed that to the brain within said head instead of her having a thick skull like some Ponies. Seriously, Pony braincases are made of wrought iron and pain. I know from punching them, but I’d probably never punch Twilight if I didn’t have to, though that's a little off topic.

When Spike knocked on Twilight’s door, it was far too soon, despite us having stayed in bed for a couple more hours. He told us that breakfast was ready and that we should get down before it got cold. Twilight agreed, though I didn’t give a single fuck, preferring to ask him if he’d washed his claws before making food. He told me that he had, though he was a little salty that I’d asked. I’d rather have him be salty about that than have my food be filled with extra protein.

Twilight sighed and got off of me and we didn’t bother getting showered before breakfast, instead just going down to have a cup of coffee along with our omelettes. Spike had actually made me two, and I thanked him for his consideration. Once we were done with breakfast, Twilight and I showered together, though we washed each other instead of ourselves. It was an intimate gesture that we’d never really done before and I was a little stiff by the time we were done, but Twilight and I just didn’t feel the need to work it out through some adult fun time. It was as if we wanted to keep things innocent while we both had the restraint to do so, though a part of me wanted to fuck her silly since tomorrow would be the last day of normalcy before I became a prince. In a sense, it was kind of like the calm before the storm that we knew was coming all too soon.

Once we were done with that, we practically dressed each too, but I just picked out some black leggings and a familiar smock for Twilight and she had me dress in a plaid button up and some khaki shorts. I felt like a bit of a tool, but I looked good, so I’m not really complaining. Other than that, Twilight started sending out letters to get the girls and my family together so we could all meet up at her place for our announcements. A couple hours later at the determined time, Pinkie and Fluttershy showed up together. Soon enough, Applejack, Rainbow, and Rarity filtered in, though Trixie and Blue were a little late. Once everyone was present, Twilight and I offered to let each other break the news first. I told her that I’d give the Royal news since it was the biggest thing to me and she could have the ‘other one’. Our wording made some of the ladies ask some questions, so to forestall a flood of them, I gave my announcement first.

“Alright, so we all know Celestia bumped up my status from Baron to Duke before I left, right?” I asked.

There were nods, so I continued. “Yeah, so she’s doing that again, except I’m going another step or two up. Figured we should let you girls know.”

Rarity raised a hand. “Surely you didn’t call us here just to gloat?”

I gave her a look. “Since when do I gloat?”

Rarity raised a brow. “Are you not a self proclaimed narcissist?”

I matched her with my own brow. “I’m also self-hating and rarely speak of my achievements or the like in a positive light.”

Fluttershy raised her hand. “W-What’s above a Duke?”

“Shit, I dunno. I just know I’m a Prince of Equestria in three days.” I replied casually.

Jaws dropped, but Rainbow was the first to recover. “Dude! Congrats!”

I nodded, pulling a face. “I’m not exactly thrilled about it, but thanks. I’m pretty sure our next thing is going to be better than that, though.”

“What could be better than better than becoming a prince!?” Rarity exclaimed, clasiping her hands in front of her bosom. “I can’t believe it! I used to date a prince before his prime!”

Twilight’s hand found my knee. “Now I feel bad for robbing you of your chance to be a princess.”

The fashionista waved it aside. “The heart chooses its own path, darling. I believe everypony in this room understands that quite well. Perhaps there will be another prince for me, yes?”

I snorted. “You don’t need a literal prince, just a guy that seems like he is to you. Metaphorically that is. If you treated a man like an actual prince, he might start getting weird.”

Rarity sniffed. “What you said is reasonable, but the way you said it makes me want to ask for an apology.”

“You’re not going to get one.” Twilight and I chorused. That was followed by a quick peck and another haughty huff from Rarity.

“Alright, so Max is gonna be a prince. Y’all said there was somethin’ else, right?” Applejack asked somewhat irritably.

“Yeah! What else is there?” Pinkie asked, practically vibrating in her seat.

Twilight turned to me. “Well…”

I gave her a half smile. “We’ve got some big news, and it’s something I find a lot more important than becoming royalty.”

“So do I. It’s pretty big, honestly.” My fiance beamed.

“What’s the news already!? You guys are being super weird right now!” Rainbow said loudly

“Twilight? I think you’re more excited about sharing the news than I am.” I kissed her cheek.

She grabbed my hand and held it firmly with both of hers. “I know, but I’m sure you want to talk about it as much as I do, right?”

I shrugged. “I want to put it out there, but I know you want to actually go into the details more than I do.”

Rainbow groaned. “Will you two just spit it out already?”

Twilight coughed and blushed. “Well… Max proposed to me!” She held up her left hand, flashing them her ring. “We’re engaged!”

There were gasps and hugs were thrown about like beads at a Mardi Gras parade. I think Fluttershy and Pinkie hugged me twice, but I wasn’t terribly worried about it until Pinkie came back for a third, this time with a Groucho Marx mustache. I still gave her another hug because it was a nice moment, but I’m pretty sure she wanted a fourth, so I told her we’d hang out or something after this. Pinkie was still crazier than fuck, but she was loyal and pretty cool if you don’t focus on the fact that she breaks the laws of reality, and I’d actually been thinking of asking Pinkie about some things.

Twilight noticed that I gave Pinkie multiple hugs and totally ignored it since she also got three hugs from Fluttershy and Rarity in turn. I didn’t get a hug from Applejack, but she did give me a handshake and congratulated me on finally getting my ‘mare’. I thanked her and from there, everyone wanted to know the situation up until I proposed. Twilight was a little embarrassed to tell them that it had happened right after a fight, both physical and verbal. I mentioned that I would explain why I’d fought Shining when we were done in full after we were done with the engagement news shit/stuff/thing. When Twilight said that I’d asked her to marry me after she asked me not to retaliate against her father during my coming stay at the Canterlot Castle Barracks, Applejack asked how the fuck she’d said yes after having to tell me not to beat up her male family members. Twilight answered that Shining had been in the wrong when we fought and that her father would most likely be the one to start anything between us, so it was a bit of a steep request on her end since Night Light was known to make people he didn’t want around suffer.

After clarifying why she’d had to ask me to not ‘handle’ her old man, I explained that I’d thought it was the right time to ask something of Twilight since I rarely ever did. If she was going to ask me to lay down and take punishment I didn’t deserve, then I wanted her to lay down and take the dick, which were words that got me hit with a good amount of Alicorn strength. The guffaws I got from Pinkie and Rainbow made it a lot more worth it, and the blush on Twilight’s face was adorable until she whispered in my ear that she’d make me live up to my promise one way or another if I kept teasing her with it. I gave her a peck on the cheek before licking it and continuing on with the following time Twilight and I had spent together.

Blue asked if we had a date for the wedding picked out yet and Twilight said that she had a few dates she wanted to run by me later since we’d only been engaged for a day. Well, less than a day. Trixie asked if I had any ideas for who I would have as my best mare and I looked at her like she was crazy before asking if she meant best ‘man’. The words had barely left my mouth when my hand was rising to my forehead in the most face of palms. I’d forgotten that the best ‘mare’ thing was normal, so I said that I would have to pick between Blue, Trixie, Nashoba, and Spike. Blue said that she couldn’t be my best mare because mothers generally weren’t supposed to be, Spike popped his head into the room to say that he would be the ring bearer, but not my best man, and Trixie looked at me expectantly. I shrugged and told her that she was asking me to pick between my sisters. I’d known Nashoba longer and she knew me better, so I was leaning toward her, but I wasn’t about to say that, so I told her that I would weigh the decision with Twilight, but my fiance told me that I was alone on this since she had to pick a maid of honor by herself. I asked why we had to make the choices by ourselves instead of consulting each other and pooling our insights so that we could make a better choice.

Twilight told me that it was supposed to be one of the biggest decisions we were going to make in the wedding and that we should each have something, or rather, someone that we were comfortable with having by our side for the rest of our lives besides each other. She mentioned that she was planning on making Cadance her maid of honor and I told her that she was full of suck for not agreeing with me. She gave me a kiss on the cheek, but when she pulled away, she sucked on my cheek to prove my point.

I sighed and scratched my head. I started thinking out loud and told Trixie that it would most likely be her since I was certain that Nashoba wouldn’t mind taking a back seat on this as much as she might, but Trixie didn’t want me to make a decision based on whether or not I was hurting her feelings. I responded with the facts, telling her that we both knew that me asking Nashoba to be my best mare would be pointless since she probably didn’t care that much about Two-Leg ceremonies in the first place. I also said that I’d rather it be her because that would open up the possibility of me possibly being her best man, if possible. Trixie beamed and told me that she’d been planning on having Twilight be her best mare, but would happily have me since I was back, so I asked when I could be expected to make an appearance. She said that her wedding wasn’t for another couple of months, but we’d have time to get whatever we needed done ready. I asked Twilight if she minded that I took her spot and she said that she didn’t since she’d already been a best mare for her own sibling.

With that little bit out of the way, I asked if anyone had any questions for me and Rarity asked if everyone present was going to get a dance with me after the wedding. I looked at Twilight and she nodded, so I told them that I was only going to dance with people whose coats were primary colors. Specifically red, yellow, and blue. Rarity took offense to that along with Pinkie, and Rainbow said that she didn’t want a dance with me. Blue, Trixie, and Fluttershy were all fine with it, though Blue told me that I should stop playing around and be honest, so I admitted that I’d just been kidding. My friends would get a dance if they wanted one and they asked me if I was going to decide the order. I thought about it for a moment and said that Blue had to be first and that Trixie may or may not get a dance depending on whether or not she wanted one. Trixie said that best mares usually waited until last, so I said that Fluttershy would be second, followed by Rarity. I asked Applejack if she thought she might like one and she just gave me a look, so I nodded my understanding and told Pinkie that she would have Applejack’s place and that Trixie would bring up the rear. With that out of the way, Twilight asked if there were any questions for her.

Rainbow raised a hand and straight up asked if we’d had sex yet. She was chastised by everyone except me, though when they shut up, I looked her in the eye and told her no. Twilight abused me some more for advertising our intimate endeavors, but I told her that I probably wasn't going to change until I got old and grey. She reminded me that I probably wouldn’t get any greyer than I already was and I sighed since I’d forgotten about that. Still, it was nice that I’d be spending eternity and a half with the most beautiful woman I’d ever laid eyes on, and when I said as much, I was rewarded with ‘awws’ and Twilight kissed the spot on my arm she usually hit.

With our announcements and most of the questions everyone had, I went to go find Spike so the girls could gush properly without me around, though neither Twilight or myself wanted to separate from each other during our limited time together before I’d be spending another month away from her. Still, she could visit me in my dreams since Luna had shown her how to dream walk, and I was sure that either of us would be willing to wait in the dreamscape for as long as we needed to. Noir just told me through our telekinetic thing that she would help me dreamwalk if need be, so that’s nice.

I left and found Spike reading a book in his room, so I pulled up the chair he kept in his room while he chilled on his bed. “What’s up, mate?”

“Not much, dude. Is this our chance to do some real catching up?” He asked.

I nodded. “I suppose it is. You know what I’ve been up to.”

My brother shrugged. “It’s not like you don’t know the big stuff, but I could use some advice if you don’t mind locking the door.”

I looked over to it and locked it with my tentacle. “And done. Is this about sex?”

He blushed. “Well…”

“If you think you’re ready for it. Ask away, bruv.”

He nodded and gathered his thoughts. “...So Apple Bloom and I have started getting more physical, but you already know that.”

I nodded. “I didn’t need to see it, but yeah, I know. First things first, are your claws retractable like other Dragon’s?”

He lifted one of his hands and five significantly sharper looking claws popped out of his fingertips before going back in. “Yeah, they are.”

“Cool. I suggest making you normal claws less sharp, though. And learn how to keep your other ones inside during intense moments.” I advised.

He looked at his claw-tips. “Why would I need to make my claws less sharp? I doubt they’d even poke through paper.”

“I don’t know how sharp they are, but I know a woman’s lady bits are very sensitive, and if you stab her on the inside, you’re going to get killed. Point blank, no excuses. You’re going to die past getting killed to death.”

He gulped. “...So I put my claws inside of a girl?”

I don’t want to go into the conversation after that since things get real sexual and Spike’s my little brother. I offered to show him on Twilight jokingly and he gagged hard, so I offered to show him on Fluttershy and he was far more receptive to that, though it wasn’t really what I was going for. Still, no one had to be shown anything and after drawing him a few diagrams and explaining that pussy could be treated in different ways depending on the situation, I started running him through different scenarios and advised him based on what he thought he should do at certain times. He was actually a pretty good guesser, though when he mentioned that Macintosh had stopped telling him about the finer points of sexual interactions once he actually started dating Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle, I was proud of him for sticking to what little he actually knew and staying within the boundaries of what his girlfriends were comfortable with rather than trying to rush things along.

We talked about some other things until we heard someone try to jimmy the door handle. I got up and opened it to find Pinkie trying to pick the lock. She was wearing my boot that had my lock picks in it. I’d been wearing it the entire time I was talking to Spike, and when I looked down, I was no longer wearing it. I asked Pinkie for my shit back and she begrudgingly removed her hoof from my footwear and I put it back on, cursing her for stealing shit I liked to wear. After that, I asked why she’d been trying to pick the lock and she said that she wanted to be double teamed by brothers at least once in her life. I told her that it wasn’t happening, at least, not with Spike and I. She then told me that the real reason she’d come a’pickin’ was to talk to me alone, so I told Spike goodbye and Shadow Dived us to my place for a quick word.

Turns out, all Pinkie wanted to talk about was the thing with Graham. I went in depth about what I’d done and she listened intently, though she told me that she couldn’t do anything on that scale, so my worries about her using that knowledge for evil was unfounded. Still, I warned her against torturing people too much lest her mind go completely and she just shrugged it off, stating that she knew I would put her down before it became and issue. That was when we promised to end each other should we ever become too dangerous, though I already had three people looking out for me on that regard. We agreed to talk more later and I realized that I was actually rather close to her, all things considered. Of course I was still a little wary of her since she broke the laws of physics and reality whenever the fuck she felt like it, but it’s not like she used her powers for evil. I was going to have to nut up and ask where her powers came from when I did see her again, though I didn’t really want to.

And my morning had started out on such a happy note. Well, here’s to death and murder, I guess.

I took us back to Twilight’s house to find her and the girls all talking about random inane things that I don’t feel like recording. The women should’ve had enough time to get it out of their systems, but sadly things just don’t work out like that anymore. I don’t think they ever did, but either way, I was still stuck listening to the conversation rapidly change topics and go on tangents that seemed to make no sense to the male ears. Still, I got to cuddle with Twilight while she talked, and when she took herself out of the conversation, I usually got a quick kiss or something for paying attention. I wasn’t, but I was rewarded for sitting through it.

After three hours of tea drinking, the occasional bathroom break, and a fucktonne of talking, I offered to go get snacks and everyone gave me some bits to get what they wanted. I would’ve been salty about being told to go to like, six different places in town, but I’d offered and I wanted as break anyway. I had to write down what the girls wanted and from where, though Twilight just told me to surprise her. I was tempted to make her a donut with some homemade ‘cream’ filling, but I don’t know how to make donuts and it would’ve taken me too long to jerk off. Still, I had an idea…

After grabbing everyone’s confections, pastries, and a sandwich for Applejack, I bought Twilight a box of chocolates and an eclair that I added a special ingredient to. When I got back to the Treebrary, I was chided for having taken nearly two hours to get back, but I told them that if they wanted it done quickly, they should have paid Rainbow to do it. Everyone got their snacks just fine anyway, so they didn’t have that much room to complain, and as I was eating the gummy snacks I’d gotten for myself, I kept glancing at Twilight, waiting for her to eat the eclair. When she took the first bite, she chewed normally and started slowing down almost immediately. I’d mixed my baby gravy in with the cream in the comfort of my own home so it would be all throughout the donut, and when she went to take a second bite, my cheeks twitched. Her face grew red as she realized what she was tasting, although I kept my face straight and continued sucking on my sweets rather than chewing them.

Twilight asked Pinkie to try her donut and the Great Pink Menace jumped at the opportunity, though she didn’t devour it like I’d been expecting her to. She and my fiance locked eyes before turning their heads to look at me. I pretended to not notice for a few seconds before looking back at them and poking a gummy worm between my lips. Twilight took another bite of her donut cautiously and I gave her an odd look, asking if everything was okay. She asked if I’d done anything to her eclair and I asked if there was something wrong with it. My fiance gave me a look and continued eating it, promising that she’d ask again later.

She got her chance about an hour after that, when everyone went home. It was about four in the afternoon at this point, so while we were sitting on the couch, still cuddling, she asked, “So what did you you do to my donut?”

I gave her a shit eating grin. “I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about.”

“You put something in it, didn’t you?” Twilight fixed me with a glare.

“I sure did. Was it that noticeable?”

“It was. Pinkie noticed it too. Max, did you feed me your… stuff?”

I started chuckling. “M-Maybe.”

She whacked me. “Really!? Is that what took you so long?”

I cracked up harder. And she hit me again. “I would have just given you a favour if you asked!”

“I just wanted to see if you’d notice! Come on, it was still tasty, right?” I gave her a brilliant smile.

She pouted. “All I got was the taste, but none of the fun.”

I kissed her. “I’ll let you taste it straight from the source whenever you want as long as you let me return the favour.”

Twilight’s eyes lit up. “Really? I mean, we only have so long before you have to go away again…”

I lifted a brow. “We can leave now, if you want. I’ll make sure it’s memorable, or at least enough to give you something to look forward to again.”

“Can we move up the date for actual intercourse?” She asked hopefully.

“You would’ve had a better chance of convincing me last night.” I said truthfully.

“I still wouldn’t have made a convincing enough case.” Twilight sighed.

I hugged her a bit closer. “Look at it this way: I still think that you’re the only woman worth waiting so long for. If it hadn't already been two years for you, I would’ve waited to propose even longer.”

She kissed my neck, making the Ol’ Chap tingle in all the right ways. “You’re lucky I think you’re worth waiting for, otherwise I’d just cast a libido spell on you and wait for you to come to me.”

My fiance kept up her assault while I answered. “That would be mind altering and frankly quite evil, cherry.”

She nibbled on me and placed a hand on my chest. “I think it would be more naughty than evil. What do you say? Are you going to teach this naughty little filly the error of her ways?” She purred.

I turned and ceased her actions, locking lips with her so we could both get a little something out of it. I cupped her face with a hand, and after a few minutes, she gently pushed me away and teleported us onto my bed so we could continue as we pleased. Without the possibility of being interrupted, I got a little more explorative with my hands, making Twilight give me some rather nice noises of approval I started dominating the kiss a little more than I wanted to, so I eased up a little and let Twilight take control, allowing her tongue to roll over mine. It was a bit of an odd feeling as it always was, but Twilight had quickly warmed up and knocked the metaphorical rust from her lips. The skill I remembered from my birthday had finally returned, though I think she was just waiting for the moment when she could take control.

Twilight wanted to mount me, so I let her do it and we continued from there, though her smock was definitely in the way. The leggings were nice since they were extremely form-fitting, meaning that I could cop a handful like there was nothing in way at all, though they still had to go. Twilight just magicked things off whenever we wanted them gone, and over the course of twenty or so odd minutes of kissing, nibbling, the odd bite or two from Twilight, and many handfuls what the other person had to offer, we got down to business and I gave Twilight what she asked for while getting what I wanted at the same time. She still tasted like wine, but it was finer and generally just tasted a lot more expensive, now that I paid attention to the finer nuances of her flavour.

We had sex for a long time. Like, we spent eight hours changing between forms and having sex that ranged from terrible to fantastic. The terrible sex came from Twilight’s time as Dusk and the fantastic sex was pretty much any other time. We even broke out the strapon so Twilight could actually get me off with penetration, though I had to point out that it would be fine without it. She still remembered the last time we’d used one and I had to reassure her that all would be fine, but other than that, it was a good time.

After sex, we turned on a lamp so we could look at each other for awhile, both of us sweaty and sticky like we’d just got done doing some strenuous exercise. We actually had, of course, and I was thirsty like no other, so I suggested that we have a real meal before we go to bed and Twilight agreed to help cook as long as we took a shower first. I had no reason to object and we ended up in the tub again to get clean with Twilight trying to stroke me off using her thighs. She got awfully close, but stopped because I was actually a little tender from the sheer amount of abuse my lower half had taken. Still, I wouldn’t have minded if she finished the fucking job.

I made some pancakes for dinner because breakfast for dinner is the fucking dog’s bollocks, and I may have ignored Twilight calling me a ‘foal’ for wanting something sweet for a late night/early morning meal. In my defense, I could make a lot of pancakes very easily and they were rather filling, so I asked her if she wanted me to get a waffle iron so I could make the Belgian bullshit instead. She told me that she would prefer a waffle, so I looked through my crap to see if I had one. As it turned out, I did in my vast amount of cookware, so I made her some waffles. I was told that they were good.

We went to bed shortly after since it was fucking dawn already, though instead of sleeping, I meditated first and visited Noir. When I arrived, she was playing ping-pong against a copy of Sammy, the old lady. My old mentor was pretty good, but my current one was still an absolute savage in things that required athletics. That didn’t help her any when I charged her and leapt, basing my actions completely off of instinct.

When we hit the floor, Sammy scored a point and Noir was rather annoyed. “You damnable brat! I could have made my first clean sweep!”

I straddled her and started peppering her face with kisses until she pushed me off of her. “I’m sowwy, bwackbewwy. I wuv you~”

“Tch. Your childish ways are going to get you beaten like a cur one of these days.” She stood and crossed her arms.

“You won’t do the beating, will you? If you do, can it be with a newspaper?”

My mentor gave me a look. “I will beat you with the wooden sword again.”

“You wouldn’t abuse me outside of training, would you?” I asked, knowing the answer.

“Not as severely, but I would still beat you. I am assuming you have something you want to do?”

“Besides put my dick in your tender bits, not really.” I jested.

She rolled her eyes. “We can practice with your True Magic all night if you wish, though Twilight is waiting to see you in the dreamscape. She wants to have fake sex.”

“We already have fake sex.”

“She wants to feel you inside of her, one way or the other, and not in the way you are hoping.”

“I just don’t like anything in there! It’s just preference!” I complained.

“If you do not like it, how could you possibly expect anyone else to?”

“Celestia and Luna like it in the arse.” I pointed out.

“They are old and both are kinkier than water hoses. I am sure you gathered that when they tried to dominate you together.”

“...Fair enough. So do you have any ideas on how to draw out my True Theft?”

“Since it is located in your arms, I would try drawing your power there first.” Noir suggested.

I nodded and closed my eyes, trying to channel power into my arms. When I opened my eyes about ten minutes later, my arms had a darkish aura about them, but that didn’t seem right. I tried focusing on just using my left arm since it had been the only one to change when God activated the power within me in the first place but all it did was make the shadowy shit around my arm grow a darker grey and take a blue tint. Noir sighed loudly, so I turned to her.

“Alright, so I’m using my Dark Magic and not my True Magic. How the fuck do I switch?” I asked irritably.

She rolled her eyes. “Do you even know where the different sources of your magic are?” She thought for a second. “You really should have paid more attention when your Lord was showing you how to activate your powers.”

“Sorry, but all I felt was burning in my hands. If that’s the source, then I’ll be surprised.” I said blandly.

Noir rolled her eyes again. “That was the contact of a being far more powerful than you. You received a direct blessing of some kind, but I cannot tell what it was. However, I am sure that you will learn of what exactly God bestowed upon you in time, though for now, you should spend a few hours meditating to find the source of your new magic. Perhaps you could return to the old castle in the Everfree?”

I nodded. “I’ll do so when I have the time. Right now, a day away from becoming a prince, it’s just not enough. I’ll cut a week out of my schedule to go be isolated like some hikikomori otaku shut-in faggot.”

“Except with nature instead of animoo.”

“With nature. Did you read through the shitty manga God put in my head?” I asked.

She bobbed her head from side to side. “You have read shittier manga. Honestly, I don’t understand why you deride those who like anime and manga more than you do so much.”

“I went through a phase. I grew out of it.” I said stubbornly.

“You were a filthy hipster about what you read even then.” Noir caviled.

“Shut up and hold me or something so I can meditate in peace, yeah?”

“Personal contact is a no-no, dear Maximus. I cannot recreate the magic in the Everfree, but we can recreate its surroundings and your former territory if you please.”

I gave her the go ahead and we both started pulling up images. What I couldn’t remember, Noir could, and what she didn’t feel like pulling up, my brain filled in. Shit was rad. Before long, we had the Old Castle and its courtyard set up, so Noir fucked off to go do her own thing and I found my old spot and started meditating like I had in the past, clearing my mind to search my body. As always, it was a terribly boring pastime, but unlike when I’d done it in the Everfree, I actually knew that I was looking for magic or something that felt off rather than just trying to stay in my brain. I took my mind and spread my focus slowly, starting with the tingling sensation in my head that was my telekinetic ability as well as my perceptive abilities and continued pushing outward, spreading my attention into my chest. Once I got to my navel, I felt the smoky darkness that was Noir’s Dark Magic, so I continued spreading my focus into my outer extremities.

Now, keep in mind that while I explained this process in a single paragraph, I actually spent a full day by Noir’s timekeeping just getting myself level enough and clear-headed enough to sort everything out. Meditation is not a quick process by any means, and the fact that I’d pushed my consciousness throughout my entire body without finding what I was looking for was a little disheartening. Once the first day of nothing but meditation was over, I started retracing my consciousness just as slowly as I’d pushed it out, focusing only on the task at hand and nothing else. The main problem was that I didn’t know what I was looking for or where to find it, so I repeated the process for a full week inside my mind, which was about three hours in the real world. There was nothing I could do when Noir told me that I needed to leave the mindscape and get into the dreamscape, so I left without any resistance and more than a little frustration. Actually, my patience had bottomed out so hard, it was sitting in the darkest pits of Hell, waiting for me to piss on it to bring it some relief from the flames of my fury.

The only relief I received came in the form of a brief hug and kiss from Noir before she transitioned me into the dreamscape. I still remembered how to do it well enough, and when I thought of Twilight, I teleported to her dream instantly and knocked on her personalized door. MAX+TWI was painted on it in grey and green for my name while Twilight’s portion was in purple and pink. I would have found it amusing or cute, but I was livid beyond belief that I couldn’t even tap into magic that I was supposed to be able to figure out with a little help, and when I walked into Twilight’s dream, the sky immediately darkened and the wind started howling like mad. I knew that I was the cause, but calming down was something that wouldn’t happen until I saw Twilight.

Her little picnic started blowing away and I felt bad, so I snapped and righted the dream since Twilight was still inexperienced with how things worked in the mind. The rules for the dreamscape were similar enough to the mindscape for me to manipulate things as I pleased since I’d been in the mindscape for… Shit, probably about an eighth of as long as I’ve actually been in Equestria. I spend a lot of time there, doing things with Noir when I can.

Asides aside, Once I got over to Twilight, she gave me a worried look, and when I sat down next to her, the worried look persisted. “Are you okay, amour?”

I didn’t answer her with words, preferring to make our lips hug so I could calm down the way I wanted to. Twilight returned the kiss a bit hesitantly at first, but once I mellowed out a little, she started to get a little more into it. Once I was actually calm, she broke away.

I sighed. “I’m okay now, but I was just incredibly frustrated. I just spent an entire week meditating for no progress. My True Magic is still somewhere, but I can’t figure out how to touch it, so it’s looking like I’m going to have to go back to the Everfree to get things done, if Noir and I are correct.”

Twilight stared at me, her face slowly transforming into a pout. “No.”

Time for a caveat. “You can come along. I’ll find us food and keep us safe.”

Her pout lessened. “Didn’t you say that you don’t want me in that ‘murder forest’?”

“I said those exact words, but that was before you became more magically potent than I am. I’m sure your Friendship Magic could do us some good in a place where having friends could do us some favours.”

“First off, I was more magically potent than you anyways. Second, my magic only works on intelligent creatures.”

I rolled my eyes. “I need to learn how to use my magic one way or another. We could see if the Matron is willing to let us keep her company for a little while.”

Her pout lessened a little more. “...I guess that would be okay. Isn’t she a little temperamental at times?”

“Shit, I don’t know. I’d have to ask Noir. You know she actually slept with Uror?” I asked.

Twilight blinked at me. “Seriously?”

“Seriously. Noir told me herself. What say we go visit her when I get back from Canterlot? We’ll go and maybe take Nashoba with us.”

Twilight blushed. “Well… I’d like to see Uror again, but the last time we were there, we kinda just had sex with her and left… It’s been two years since we’ve been back, Max.”

I shrugged. “I’ll explain what happened and that you just weren’t comfortable enough to visit her by yourself. You’re still rather scared of the Everfree, right?”

“Well, you’re not wrong. It’s a big reason why I didn’t go back.” She admitted.

I spread my hands. “See? We have reasonable excuses. If Uror doesn’t like them, we’ll just head back to the Old Castle and stay there for a week. Trust me, it’s not anything like what you’re used to, but it was home to me for a little while.”

My fiance gave me a look. “Max, I’ve been to the Old Castle twice. I know what I’m expecting.”

I lifted a brow. “How many times have you stayed past nightfall or risen when the Sun came up within its walls? Because I imagine I’ve done that about thirty more times than you have. Trust me when I say that staying there for more than a few hours is one hell of a fucking trip, cherry.”

She raised her brows and puckered her lips. “Whatever you say, amour.”

I gave her a look and imagined a scale model voodoo doll of her. Then I imagined a tiny hand. After flipping the skirt on the doll and bending it over, I extended a finger on the hand and pushed it into the doll’s butt since it really was a perfect model, and when I did, Twilight freaked the fuck out, making me die of laughter as I encased myself in a bubble so she wouldn’t be able to hit me. When she palmed both of her cheeks in an attempt to get the finger out, I laughed harder and left the hand exactly where it was for a good thirty seconds while Twilight pounded on my shield. After I got my wits about my, I removed the finger and held the doll close to my chest, stroking its mane as I tried to giggle myself into a coma.

“If you don’t stop messing with me, I’m biting you the next time you ask me for a favour!” Twilight threatened, trying to get the feeling of a massive finger off of her head.

I made the doll disappear, but kept the shield up. “Sorry cherry, but I just couldn’t help myself.”

She crossed her arms, her face still bright red. “If you don’t drop that barrier and take your punishment like a stallion, it’s just going to get that much worse.”

I did the trick I’d ever only pulled once with Noir and made myself immune to pain. I’d only pulled it with my mentor the one time because she actually did beat me like she was trying to cause permanent damage afterwards. Honestly, I’d been terrified to go back to her after that, but… Well, there really wasn’t anything to add to that. Noir broke me and put me back together again while training with her, and it was that experience that made me as tough as I am. I just don’t give much of a shit about pain anymore. Still, I wasn’t about to let a fucking angry Alicorn wallop me for the simple fact that Twilight could probably break bones if she was serious, and I was willing to bet that she wasn’t going to hold much back.

When I dropped my shield, the first thing she did was pound her fist into my shoulder, which dislocated it with a sickening pop. Twilight had her hand cocked back for another blow, but the sound had made her stop and we both just looked at my sagging right shoulder.

“Well ow.” I said casually.

“...Did I just…?”

I thought it back into place. “Yup. Now we know how hard you can't hit me.”

One of her hands went to her mouth and the other touched my arm gingerly. “...I’m so sorry…”

I kissed her gently. “First things first, I knew that was going to hurt, so I made sure I wasn’t going to feel any pain. Second, we’re in the dreamscape, so it’s not going to cost any lasting damage. Third, there is no third. Fourth, it’s a valuable lesson. We’re now aware of how strong you can be, so don’t hit me that hard again, pretty please.”

Twilight breathed a sigh of relief. “I’m glad I didn’t hurt you, but… What if I lose control in the real world and actually do hurt you?”

I shrugged. Halfway, at least. “I heal fast. Learn some healing magic in the meantime and I think we’ll be fine on all fronts, honestly.”

Twilight gingerly prodded my shoulder. “Still…”

I gave her another kiss, followed by a few more. “Thank you for being concerned.”

“Of course I’m concerned.” She said, sounding a little less frightened than she had. “I just hit you so hard I knocked your shoulder out of its socket!”

“And I put a finger in your butt, which was hilarious.” I cracked a shit eating grin.

Twilight looked like she wanted to hit me again, her face flushing once more. “I’m only going to let it slide this one time because I’m pretty sure that if I’d hit you in the real world, we’d be at the hospital right now.”

I kissed her cheek and started moving downward, speaking in between kisses. “You know. You like. The way. I tease. You.”

She cooed softly once I reached her collar. “Only when you’re nice about it. That was just mean.”

I nibbled on her neck and her breathing hitched slightly. “Would it help if I apologized?”

“...Are you apologizing now?” She asked breathlessly.

I bit her lip and tugged on it lightly before answering. “Actions do speak louder than words. How about we-”

As I was speaking, Noir popped into the dreamscape to ruin the fuck out of my Goddamn moment. “Maximus, someone has entered your home, and I can’t identify the heartbeat.”

Well that got my attention. “Alright.” I turned to Twilight and gave her a quick smooch before rocketing myself out of the dream and into reality.

My adrenaline was already pumping, so I grabbed the Warbling Blade from my night stand even though I knew for a fact that I wouldn’t actually need it since I’m fucking overpowered these days. It was still a comfort to have steel in my hand as I tried to locate the heartbeat coming from downstairs, and once I judged that it was someone in my living room, I sauntered down the steps soundlessly and crept up behind the Dragon. I didn’t know who it was, but the only way to handle an intruder who comes in when no one’s awake is to show them who the fuck lives in your house.

“You have ten seconds to get the fuck out of my house before I kill you.” I said evenly.

The Dragon turned around and recognition tingled at the back of my mind. “Max the Human. Didn’t you tell me I was welcome to stop by sometime?”

“...Run your name by me again? It’s probably been awhile.”

She raised a brow. “It has been two years, I suppose. I’m Chumana. We met during the migration.”

It hasn’t been that long for me, but why bring that up. “It’s been two years and you just walk up in a guy’s house? I was dreaming and I was totally about to nail my fiance!”

“Max!” Twilight yelled from the stairs.

“Don’t worry cherry, she’s friendly!” I called back. After a moment, I added, “I think.”

Chumana nodded. “I’ve come for breakfast and to talk. I figured that waiting in your house would be more comfortable than waiting outside.”

Twilight joined us shortly and I introduced them. “Twilight, this is my fire-breathing friend, Chu-Chu. Chumana, this is my fiance, Twilight Spankle,” Twilight hit me,” er, Sparkle.”

The Dragoness made a derisive noise. “I’m sure your mate hits you often if you call her that.”

“Freudian slip is all that was. I’m generally less of an arse when I actually get some sleep. Tell you what, let me get some coffee made and get dressed so we can catch up properly, yeah?”

She nodded. “I can wait until you get dressed for coffee.

I turned to Twilight. “We’ll pick up where we left off another night. Chu-Chu-”

“Didn’t I tell you that I would roast you alive for that horrid nickname?” Chu-Chu asked.

I gave her a look. “I can slice your head off faster than you can draw breath. Or I can just tell you not to and you’ll have no choice but to obey. One ends with you being my slave for eternity, mwahahaha, or you could be dead. Chu-chu is cute anyways. Be cute.”

Twilight hit me again and grabbed my arm. “I’m sorry, Chumana, but he’s goofy and infuriating on his best days.”

Chu-Chu shook her head. “It’s not a terrible quality to have. He just needs to learn how to shut up a bit better.”

“I’m teaching him, but I swear he has a learning disability some days.” Twilight said with a smile.

I pinched her. “Oi!”

She rubbed her arm and went to hit me again, so I caught her hand, spun her around, and swept her off of her feet. “Changing now. No more abusing me until after we’re dressed.” I said firmly.

Twilight pinched my chest and I was quite tempted to drop her, so I pretended like I was going to, dropping her a handful of centimeters and catching her while she was still falling. I warned her against doing something like that again and Chumana chuckled before having a seat on my couch. While carrying Twilight up the stairs, she softly told me that her legs worked perfectly fine and I asked her how else I was supposed to make sure she wasn’t going to hit or pinch me again. I also added that I was, at the very least, carrying her like a prince would a princess. Twilight tucked her head into my chest and I may have slowed down a little to enjoy the moment awhile longer, but we came to our destination all the same and I gently set Twilight feet on the floor. She wore a calf-length skirt and a breezy blouse, so I wore nice green button down and avoided anything in khaki. Fuck khaki.

When we came back downstairs, Chumana was sharpening her claws by grinding them against each other and it rather sounded like she was whetting blades every time she made another pass. After asking me to make the coffee, Twilight went to go talk to her for some reason, so I figured that I could also get started on breakfast. I still had a imperial fucktonne of eggs, so I made a ten egg omelette for myself and settled on four egg omelettes for the ladies. After sauteing my veggies to go in them, I realized that I’d fucked up the order like a dumbass and considered that Chu-Chu couldn’t eat vegetables like Spike could because she probably hadn't been raised on them. Nashoba hadn't brought me any meat and I hadn't had a chance to go hunt, so I didn’t have any of my favourite kind of protein on hand, meaning that we were a little fucked on luck. Still, by the time I finished breakfast, the ladies joined me in the kitchen, though Twilight and I were a little amazed slash weirded out when Chumana cracked an egg into her palm, fried it, and ate it like it was no big deal.

Dragons are weird.

Breakfast was nice and the conversation stayed pretty light. Chumana mentioned that she was going to be present for ‘some prince prick’s coronation’. I forestalled Twilight saying anything to that with a wave of my hand and asked why Chumana bothered showing up to some Pony bullshit thing. She said that the new prince was actually supposed to be important, unlike the rest of the princes in Equestria, so her Dad, a fellow Duke just of a different country, asked her to come to Equestria since she was pretty much a Dutchess. No one else wanted to come and since her father was pretty powerful, it really was his will that decided what she had to do. I mentioned offhandedly that I was a Duke too and that I’d be attending the coronation, but I left out the most important thing because I figured it would be hilarious to hear her reaction after the fact.

She asked me if I knew who the new guy was supposed to be and I mentioned that Shining Armour was Twilight’s brother and that he’d never actually received a real coronation, so it was possible that it could be him. Chumana took the bait and started asking about Shining, thus ending my involvement in the conversation. Twilight took over and told her about Shining, but she let it slip that she was pretty sure that Celestia wasn’t going to give him a legitimate crown. I agreed, but I kept it as a possibility, implying that we didn’t actually know who the next prince was going to be. That was complete bullshit of course, but still, I wanted to fuck with people and Twilight was going to let me since it was harmless.

Chumana offered to help with the dishes since she was pretty cool, but Twilight said that she always took care of them since I usually did the cooking, which opened Chu-Chu up to asking how I managed to eat so much. I explained my healing factor and Dark Magic to her and she made a three clawed gesture over her heart and pushed it away from her chest. I felt a slight breeze, but little else and she told me that I wasn’t evil. That really just depends on your definition of evil and I told her as much, which made her give me a look that would have made lesser beings crumble because, you know, she’s a fucking Dragon. I just raised a brow at her and patted one of her scaly breasts, telling her that Twilight called me evil all the time. I got casually backhanded for that and Twilight warned me against feeling up other women unless I wanted something shoved where the Sun don’t shine and I apologized for not remembering that Chumana was actually a woman. I almost got hit for that twice, but I used a Shadow Dive to get into the living room and avoid being abused.

Twilight teleported me back into the kitchen so she could hit me again, though Chu-Chu left me alone since my fiance had hit me loudly enough to make it sound like it hurt. It rather did, and the lecture I got about calling women unfeminine was unneeded, so I shut her up with a well timed, well placed kiss, and when she tried to push me away, I stood my ground and made sure that Chumana couldn’t see my hand as I groped Twilight’s ass. The purple princess actually put some strength behind pushing me away after that and asked me what had gotten into me since I’d been so calm yesterday. I couldn’t really tell her that I was freaking the fuck out about my imminent princehood, I just told her that I was feeling a bit whimsical and she frowned, telling me that I pulled pranks and told jokes to be whimsical. Chumana took it upon herself at that moment to leave for a few hours to see what she could see around town and cut off any offers to show her around by saying that she preferred to experience places herself instead of being lead around like livestock.

When she was gone, Twilight held my hands and continued giving me that worried look. “It’s not normal for you to be outright rude to your friends. Really, Max, what’s wrong?”

“Cherry, I have a day before I’m the first prince of my kind in Equestria. This is all being thrown at me before I’ve even been home for a week, Twilight, and I barely have my footing yet. The only thing I’m sure about right now is that I made the right choice when I proposed to you, but other than that, this is all unexplored territory that I can’t ask anyone about. Sure, you and Cadance have been in similar situations, but at least you’re from here. People outside of Ponyville know me from my exploits, whether it was fighting Blueblood or being an Operative, and I know for a fact that I’m going to catch flak for being a violent guy, but… I don’t know…” I sighed and looked at Twilight.

“...You’re scared. You’re actually really scared.” Twilight said softly.

“...I’m trying to not be.”

Twilight gently hugged me and I returned the gesture after a moment. “Look, amour, I’m here for you. Noir is here for you. Celestia and Cadance are here for you. Luna might put up a mean facade, but if you need her, she’s here for you too. You’re not in this alone, and you never will be as long as you remember that you have friends- No, family here that have been through similar circumstances. Yours might be unique, but you know how wise Celestia, Luna, and Noir are, and you know that one of them would say something if they weren’t fully confident that you could do this. I believe in you, Maximus. You, of all the ponies I know, you can do this.”

How much can I really say to that? “...Thank you.”

She squeezed me tightly before letting me go. “From now on, if you’re freaking out about something, I want you to talk to me about it, even if it’s not necessarily something I should know about.” I opened my mouth and she continued. “I know, amour, I can’t know everything you do. It’s just how you… Operate. I just want to reaffirm that you can come to me with anything, okay?”

I looked her straight in the eyes. “You can’t trust Discord.”

Twilight gave me a blank look and shook her head. “I’m sorry, did you say something?”

I closed my eyes and waited a moment. “Don’t worry about it. It wasn’t a part of the conversation anyway.”

The worried look on her face returned. “Are you sure? I didn’t mean to space out, it’s just that-”

I kissed her to avoid picking at that wound. “Really Twilight, it’s fine. Thank you for supporting me. I should’ve said something to you sooner, realized what was going on before I even came to the dreamscape, but meditating for so long made me feel so… Disconnected, from myself for awhile, oddly enough.”

She gave me a small smile. “It’s perfectly fine. I know that when I get really into a book or a theory, I can get really spacey for hours on end, but not even be thinking about anything. I know it’s not the same, but I think I get the gist.”

“You know, you used to prefer absolute answers over abstract ideas.” I said.

Twilight shrugged. “When I’m dealing with you, I know I’m not always going to get a definite answer. I learned to deal with that before we became an item.”

I puckered my lips. “Huh.”

She patted my shoulder and started lightly tugging me toward the entry hall. “I told you that I learned how to deal with you. Come on, I’m sure you want to spend the day out of the house for once.”

I grinned as a thought crossed my mind. “Actually, I have something I want to show you.”

And so we started a movie. I let Twilight pick something by its description and she ended up going with a movie called The Princess Bride. It was pretty fucking lame, all things said, but she loved it. Well, she loved it after she got over the whole mini-projector thing. The picture quality was decent, but I’m glad I bought a little speaker to go along with it, otherwise we would’ve had to have the laptop literally in our laps to hear anything. High end laptops had the speed, but I swear, they just didn’t put that much emphasis on volume.

Chumana came back as I was just about to put on something I actually wanted to watch, though she just let herself into my fucking house again. I told her that, if she kept it up, she’d be losing limbs and she dared me to try. Twilight threatened me with no more favours until I came back from The Canterlot Barracks, but I stood firm on my position that one needs to respect my Goddamn house because it’s common fucking courtesy. Twilight pointed out that she was allowed to both enter and teleport in whenever she felt like it and I just rolled my eyes, telling her that I’d literally bitched at Celestia for doing the same shit some time ago. If Twilight didn’t recognize that she was a very special case before, she got the point now.

Chumana sat in the chair next to my loveseat and I put on another movie, this time a slightly unsettling flick known as The Conjuring. I didn’t think it was scary, so I thought it would be a good one to have Twilight curled up nice and close, but not have her shaking in my arms, too terrified to even look at the screen. Turns out, Twilight’s a little less brave than I thought she was because she turned the movie off herself about three quarters of the way through it. She wrapped my arm around her and shivered for awhile, I cast a glance over to Chumana who was looking on in boredom.

I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t go with Would You Rather or Hostel. I think I might have caused permanent scarring with those.

I comforted Twilight by telling her that none of those things were real and that no one in Equestria would ever suffer through something like that and she just told me that she was shaken something fierce. Chumana asked if I had any snacks and I told her that I had some biscuits and a few other things in my pantry, so she could help herself. Before she rose, she asked if that was supposed to be scary and I told her that on my world, where magic and ghosts don’t exist, it was. Her next question was, of course, why would it be considered scary if it didn’t happen? My response was that the fear of the unknown and the testimonies of other people had made them seem so much closer to home since ghosts and the like don’t discriminate. As long as you’re on their turf, you’re fair game, and there’s not a single thing you could do about it. Chumana scoffed at my people for being weak and I reminded her that I had clawed my way back from death to kill one of her countrymen.

Twilight stopped shaking and asked me if I’d ever told her about that. I shrugged and went over the story again, telling her how the big green fucker whose name I never learned had picked a fight with me over some bullshit reason that I couldn’t really remember, and while I’d had my back turned, he’d ripped my heart out and tossed me off of the volcano we’d visited during the Dragon Migration. I explained that I’d found myself at the bottom of the mountain and had tapped into a bit of my Revenant power to exact my revenge in a horribly brutal way. I literally said ‘horribly brutal’ instead of going into the specifics and she told me that she’d probably just wanted to forget about it if I ever did tell her.

Chu-Chu rose from her seat and said, “You know Vikar was a distant relative of mine, right?”

“He shouldn’t have picked a fight with an immortal being.” I said simply.

“Max…” Twilight said softly.

“Cherry, he didn’t just hurt me. The bastard fucking killed me in front of Spike and threw my corpse off of a cliff. Do you want me to apologize for that or something?”

Chumana interrupted her reply. “I do not want one. I simply ask that refer to him by name in the future.”

“Vikar, yeah?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“I’ll do my best to remember it, then. Lord knows I need match names to blood more often than I do.”

“It’s not always a luxury we’re afforded, Max.” The Dragoness said gravely.

“Can we talk about something other than killing ponies for a little while? How about the magic of friendship?”

Chumana and I stared at her. “...Anything but murder. Please?” Twilight asked.

I kissed her horn. “Just not the ‘magic of friendship’.”

Chu-Chu nodded. “Anything but that. Where are these biscuits you promise?”

“They’re behind one of the two doors in the kitchen. If you see stairs, you’re at the wrong one.” I answered.

She left to go find them and I gave Twilight’s horn a lick, making her shiver in my arms. I tried it again and she shivered again before lightly patting my chest. I never saw how many licks it took to get to the center because I just popped the whole thing in my mouth and sucked on it, listening for Chumana’s footsteps. Twilight tried to push me off gently, but I bit her horn and she immediately shot a magical, grape flavoured load into my mouth that felt like… Well, I imagine it’s kinda like what ectoplasm feels like. It kinda sloshed around in my mouth for a little while and when Twilight got her breath back, I decided to see what she though of it, so I fed her some of her own magic through a kiss. I felt her go ramrod straight when the first trickle came into her mouth, and after that, any preconceived notions of me getting away with making her cum and giving her a kiss were gone. Twilight unfurled and, much to my surprise, completely dominated our kiss like she was scouring my mouth for any leftover traces of her magical residue, but she didn’t stop there. I heard Chumana come in from the kitchen with the biscuits while Twilight was snogging me fiercely, and I say she was snogging me because I was having a bit of a hard time keeping up with her. She was actually holding me in place, and when I tapped her shoulder (our usual signal to stop), she ignored it completely and I thought that I’d probably fucked up real good.

I tried pushing Twilight off of me gently, but she adjusted the strength she was holding me with as I tried to push, so I tried ticking her side where I knew she was weakest, but she didn’t even fucking budge, like, at all. After that failed, I tried getting her tongue out of my mouth so I could close it, but she held me fast. I would be pretty content to let her work it out of her system normally, but we had an audience of one person who was pretty much a stranger and I really wasn’t trying to put on a show. When Twilight’s hand dipped below the belt Chumana saw my resistance and thankfully fucked off so I could handle this properly, so I started putting real force into getting Twilight off of me, but to no avail. The next thing I tried was looking her in the eyes so I could give her a Black Eye, but we were too close for me to focus and I could only see one eye when I forced it open, so that was a no go. I couldn’t Soothsay her since my mouth was occupied, the Dark Aura didn’t work on Twilight, and I wasn’t about to pull the Warbling Blade out on her, so I did the only thing I could.

I bit her tongue.

I didn’t bite hard enough to draw blood or anything, but I know she felt it. However, that didn’t incentive her to let me go at all, so I left that one behind too. I was running out of tactics, so I tried pinching one of her ears, but when I did, she grabbed a handful of my shirt and tore the buttons off, exposing my chest and frankly making me panic. I know I promised to never try and actively hurt Twilight, but the liver blow I get her was enough to give me the half second I needed to extricate myself from her grasp.

“Twilight! Chill the fuck out!” I gasped from the floor.

She glared at me with eyes that didn’t seem quite like hers. They lacked the warmth, the kindness that Twilight’s had. In their place was pure, unadulterated lust. I knew that I was fucked if I didn’t do something, so I pumped as much Dark Magic as I could into my eyes and glared, though I only gave her slight pause. Her eyelids dropped, but she was a mare on a mission, or rather, a mare looking for a meal and I was every course. I done goofed. I fucked up real bad, and I needed to get the fuck out of my house before Twilight actually forced herself on me, so I did the first thing I could think of and panicked hard, dipping into the Shadow Realm without a destination. When I got there, I took a moment to breath and to make a thousand mental notes to +never feed Twilight her own horn-cum ever again unless I wanted extremely rough sex that I don’t even know if she’d remember. I panicked when I realized that Twilight was now alone, possibly with Chumana and one of them was a horny Alicorn. With my fiance’s safety and mental health in mind, I surfaced right behind her as she was staring down Chumana.

“Twilight Sparkle, he is not here.” Chumana said calmly.

“Where.” My lover hissed.

I grabbed her hoof and Shadow Dived us into Cadance’s shade, hoping that the Princess of Love would be able to overpower lust, and when Twilight picked me up off of the floor and continued where she left off, I turned my head, knowing I only had a few seconds to speak.

“Twilight! Lust! Hel-” My mouth was covered by Twilight’s again and I continued trying to push her off of me.

I took the time to notice that we were in Cadance and Shining’s room and that Cadance was the only one in there. She was also naked for some reason. I don’t give a damn what that reason was, but I knew that when she covered up instead of helping helping out, Twilight didn’t even bother with saying hello or anything. Nope. Her magic unbuckled my trousers and her hand grabbed my member, which would have been nice if she weren’t trying to suck my face off. When she started stroking me, my body betrayed me and I started to stiffen, but Cadance finally got her wits about her and magicked Twilight’s hands off of me, allowing me a moment’s respite. Gasping for precious air, I fixed my trousers and looked at Cadance, sitting against her bedpost.

“Don’t get me wrong.” I drew breath. “Grateful for the save, but what took you so fucking long?”

Cadance’s head whipped back and forth between me and Twilight. “Max, what’s wrong with her!?”

“I sucked her horn a little bit and kissed her with magic still in my mouth.” I replied.

Cadance looked at me like she didn’t understand what that had to do with anything. “I don’t understand. How do you suck magic out of a horn?”

“With your mouth. It’s usually just tasty and fun, but I think it’s an aphrodisiac to Ponies or something.” I leaned my head back. “Seriously, thank you.”

“...Max, was Twilight about to-”

“Nope. We’re not talking about this until we figure out whether or not she’s remembering any of this. Is there some spell you can use to cleanse the lust from her system?”

“I don’t know of one, but Max, this is serious!” Cadance protested. Twilight continued struggling against her sister-in-law’s magic until Cadance winced and put her in a bubble. “I really don’t know how long I can hold her, Max. If she was just a Unicorn, this wouldn’t be a problem, but I’ve never met a pony as magically gifted as Twilight!”

Fucking shite. “I’ll get Celestia, see if she can do something about this.”

“I’ll go since I can teleport. Just… If you have to, use your Dark Magic to make Twilight calm down, okay? I don’t like the idea, but…”

“I can’t. I promised to never Soothsay Twilight.” I said gravely.

Cadance pursed her lips and didn’t bother saying anything else before teleporting out of the room. I got up from my resting place and walked over to Twilight’s bubble, placing my hand against it. The look of frustration and on her face made my heart ache, but I was honestly scared of her before we’d gotten her contained. My fiance kept pounding her fist against the bubble, though she kept one hand in place to mirror mine. I told her that she would be alright a few times, sounding feeble even to myself, so when Celestia and Cadance popped in, my shoulders sagged with relief and I gave Twilight an honest smile.

Looking over my shoulder, I asked, “Alright ladies, so what’s the game plan? Magic her libido down until she’s back to normal, or-”

Celestia conjured up a paperweight and threw it at me, so I ducked and it bounced off the bubble. “You jackass. Who sucks horns anymore? That was over a thousand years ago!” Celestia said peevishly.

“How the fuck was I supposed to know!? I’ve barely been on this planet a year!”

Celestia huffed and cracked Cadance’s bubble with a single punch, though she shook her hand afterward. Once Twilight was free, she tried to run to me, but she couldn’t get past Celestia who wrapped her up in a hug. The Solar Diarch’s horn glowed brightly before Twilight’s eyes took on the same light, and a few moments later, my fiance was released and she stumbled a little bit, rubbing her eyes.

“Wha- Where am I?” Twilight shook her head to clear it.

I wrapped her up in a hug. “Hullo, cherry!”

Twilight pushed away from me slightly and looked around. “Max, why are we in Canterlot?”

“I’ll tell you later maybe.” I kissed her cheek. Turning to the whitest one in the room, I said, “Thanks hun. I really do appreciate it.”

Celestia sighed. “Just don’t do it again. Feeding an Alicorn their own magic after a… Climax, is a potent aphrodisiac. I suggest that you don’t do it again unless you plan on swallowing the majority first.”

Twilight and Cadance blushed hard. “Wait, what happened? Max, is something going on?” My fiance asked.

Well, I’m not going to lie. “Well… I kinda sucked your horn, and when you blew your magical load in my mouth, which tasted like fine wine by the way, I decided to share a little with you to see if you liked it too. That was a mistake.”

Twilight stared at me. “...Are you serious? What happened after that to make me lose my memory?”

I shrugged. “Well, after that we did a lot of kissing, but it was a lot more than usual.”

Her eyes flickered to my shirt. “...Did I do that?”

I looked down. “I’m sexy as fuck. I don’t blame you for wanting me, especially if you weren’t quite in your right mind.”

Twilight put her hands on my arms. “A-Amour… Did I…?”

“Kiss me like I’ve never been kissed before? Damn straight. You practically licked the back of my throat, which was weird but good. It was gweird.” I nodded sagaciously.

“...Did I rip your shirt?”

“You were a little eager, I’ll say that much. Don’t worry about it too hard, cherry. Next time, I’ll swallow your load like a good little human and we won’t have to worry about it.” I said nonchalantly.

“I really feel like you’re downplaying this by a lot…” Twilight said suspiciously. She turned to Cadance and Celestia. “What really happened?”

Cadance coughed and blushed. “Well, when Max brought you here, you were a little aggressive with what you wanted, but it didn’t go beyond some touching and kissing.”

Twilight lit up. “I-I…”

I gave her a kiss. “Like I said: don’t worry about it. You weren’t really in control and I learned my lesson without anyone getting hurt.”

“...Why do my ribs hurt?” Twilight asked.

I looked away from her and whistled casually until she whacked my arm. “Oi! Can’t a man practice his whistling?”

“Not when you can barely do it!” She huffed. “Max, did you have to hit me to get me off of you!?”

“Yeah, but fuggedaboutit, yeah? It’s already in the past, and I still have a Dragoness in my house. I think. Either way, let’s invite whoever wants to come to watch some movies at my place, yeah? We’ll keep them to the romance stuff instead of the scary movies.” I gave her a warm smile.

Twilight glared at me. “Maximus, did I try to force myself on you?”

“Why are you so concerned about it? Don’t worry, everything was taken care of and there won’t be a repeat performance-”

She grabbed the remains of my shirt. “I-I did, didn’t I?”

I kissed her again, but she pushed me away. “It doesn’t make you a bad person, cherry. You weren’t in control, and you don’t even remember doing it. Magic fucks with your head like that, yeah? I say we learn from it and let it go.”

Twilight’s lip quivered. “But-”

Cadance cut in. “No ‘buts’. Max is right. Everything was taken care of and he made the right decision in coming to Canterlot in the end. Why don’t we go back to Ponyville and watch the romance films like he suggested?”

Celestia sighed. “I would love to join you, but I have things I need to take care of. You three have fun. I’ll see you after tomorrow.” And with that, she teleported away.

Twilight still seemed disturbed, but she gave in to Cadance’s words. I was a little offended that she hadn't bothered to listen to me, although I suppose Twilight knows I would forgive her for just about anything. I don’t know if I could have forgiven her for actually forcing herself onto me, but it was easy to let it go when I knew she wasn’t in her right mind and knowing that the worst that had happened was some stroking that I wasn’t necessarily okay with. Hell, if she hadn't been so forceful about it, I would have been fine up until she tried to mount me.

In any case, we went back to my place via teleportation and I showed them something called Brokeback Mountain because I thought it would be funny, but I was terribly wrong. It was not funny at all. The previous events of the day were forgotten about halfway through the movie with Cadance sitting awfully still and Twilight’s hand creeping between my legs rather slowly. I was softer than cotton, and when she actually made contact, I gave her a look and she withdrew her hand, so I traded roles with her and she was far more receptive than I had been. I don’t really know how I feel about my girlfriend thinking I would get off to something I’d shown blatant disinterest in before, but I knew I wasn’t okay with getting a handjob while there was male on male romance going on. I was happy to please Twilight, however, and if it was her thing, then I was happy to indulge her a little bit.

Cadance’s head whipped over to look at us when the first little moan escaped Twilight’s lips, but Twilight just covered her mouth. I looked over and gave the older princess a wink before sliding my fingers under Twilight’s tights. I let my hand go limp she grabbed my arm, but when she didn’t make a move for me to stop, I shrugged and continued, gently stroking her soft flesh through her knickers. My fiance cuddled up a little closer and Cadance let out a little cough, shooting me some serious side eye, so I looked at her, knowing that she couldn’t see much over the high arm of the loveseat.

“If you’re thirsty, there’s an entire cellar of wine, if you’d like a glass or two. If you want something a bit stronger, you’re welcome to my liquor too.” I said conversationally.

“...I’ll be right back.” Cadance replied shiftily. She rose and walked off toward my cellar, casting glances back us the entire time.

While she was leaving, I slipped my hand under Twilight knickers and felt that she was enjoying the movie more than I’d thought by a good margin. I didn’t feel like teasing her entrance for more than a few seconds, just enough time to lubricate my fingertips, and that was so I could toy with her clit comfortably. Twilight asked if I would mind grabbing a blanket and I did so happily, though while I was grabbing one from the closet, Cadance came up from the cellar with a nice bottle of raspberry wine that I’d tried once. I’d expected her to go for one of the strawberry ones, but then again, if I had a liquor that tasted like my own semen, I probably wouldn’t be that keen on drinking it with my sister-in-law either.

Cadance poured us all a glass, and Twilight put an end to my fun. I was bored as fuck through the rest of the movie, though both of the ladies were shifting around in their seats by the time it was over. I offered to play a significantly less gay one and they tried hinting that they wanted to see the sequel, so I rolled my eyes and told them that I’d only heard of Brokeback Mountain as far as popular gay movies. Their disappointment was palpable, so I told them to just turn themselves into guys and fuck each other if they were that interested. Twilight asked me if I’d really be okay with it and I told her that I was as long as it was Cadance. The pink woman said that she was married, but Twilight said that she would explain everything if Shining found out. Cadance balked, though she said that she was going to have fun later in the night and Twilight scrunched her face up, probably a little grossed out by the prospect of her brother having sex. I asked Cadance how her sex life was going, making her blush and give us a quick farewell before heading back to Canterlot.

As it turned out, Chumana came back around eight to see if everything was okay and I told her that shit was back to normal and that she could have one of my rooms on the lower floor if she needed a place to stay. She shrugged and said that she was flying back to Canterlot and that I was ‘really fucking weird.’. She wasn’t wrong, but I maintained that things were only so weird because I’d just come back from an Operative mission that kept me away for a long time and magic had been in play earlier. We both cursed magic, though she called me out since she knew I had to use it to take Twilight to Canterlot. She was totally right, but I pointed out that my magic was extremely limited in what it could do, which made her ask what all I could accomplish. I told her that I could Shadow Dive and drop people with a look, but not much else since I like to keep my shit hidden when I can. Chu-Chu accepted what I told her, though she knew I was hiding things from her. She didn’t comment on it, however, and flew away shortly after, so I returned to Twilight.

We didn’t watch any movies, but we did use the built in camera on the laptop to make our own. Twilight was a little camera shy when we started, but once I told her that we could watch it whenever we wanted, she was a lot more open to the idea and things got interesting. I don’t know if she was still feeling some side effects from her magical load earlier or if she liked being able to watch what happened later, but she was a little more proactive than usual, even going so far as to try deepthroating for the second time. She didn’t do any better, but I appreciated the fact that she tried.

When we were finished, we watched the video we’d made and Twilight was enraptured by the sight, though I can’t say much. There was a blush on my face the entire time we watched it, and when I locked the folder and made it private, I showed Twilight how to open it. We are the only two people on this planet who can view that and adding to the secrets we keep together just felt like it brought us that much closer. I was thrilled that I’d gotten Twilight to forget about what happened earlier and showed her by doing her a few more favours without asking for anything in return.

Once I got Twilight nice and sleepy, I grabbed my journal and started writing in bed. Shit’s been weird up to this point. I don’t really have all that much to say about today other than that I look forward to just getting this prince bullshit over with so I can stop stressing about becoming one and start stressing over being a good one. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I really fucking hope it is.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My morning was fine up until about nine when Pinkie and Fluttershy came over. They had totally different reasons for coming over, and Fluttershy’s were a lot more sensical than Pinkie’s. The buttery fluttery one wanted Twilight to come with her and Rarity for some interesting shopping that they were embarrassed to tell me about and Pinkie wanted to talk about something she wasn’t comfortable discussing in front of Twilight. Of course I found that to be quite odd seeing as how Pinkie will talk about damn near any and everything in front of any or everyone, but I figured she wanted some privacy for a good reason, so I was willing to give it to her. Once Twilight and Fluttershy were gone, Pinkie asked if we could sit in my parlour and have some tea and biscuits which was perfectly fine by me, though I was starting to get a little worried about our little talk.

As I was sipping some rather hot tea, Pinkie picked up a chewy biscuit and nibbled on it. “Hey Max, can I tell you something?”

I tilted my head. “You can do whatever you want. Hell, you tend to anyway.”

She gave me a look. “You’re such a butt sometimes, you know that?”

“I’m well aware. What do you want to talk about, Pinkie?”

“I wanna talk about True Magic. I think yours is a bit like mine.”

Well that’s- Actually, it’s not that surprising. “Really? Do you think you could teach me to tap into it more easily than I have been? I’m sure you already know I spent an entire week trying to get it to work.”

Pinkie nodded. “Honestly, you’re just trying too hard to find it. When you really need your magic is when it’s going to pop up, so you just need to think of something you want. I don’t know what all hints and tips you have to work with, and I don’t think you’ve described your power, so I don’t really know what it does, but I think you need to try looking at this from my perspective.”

I looked at her and blew on my tea. “I don’t quite understand what that means, Pinkie. I’m pretty sure the way you see the world is the proper way to experience it.”

She waved her hand. “Don't be silly! There’s no ‘proper way’ to experience the world, just a more inclusive view. I’m just saying that it would probably be easier for you to use your True Magic if you didn’t look at the world like a sane person.”

I thought about that for a second. “In theory, I can induce insanity by spending too long in the mindscape. It’s helped me grasp my powers before, but if that’s true, then I should have been able to do it while I was meditating since I stayed there so long this time around.”

Pinkie giggled. “That’s not how it works, silly! Sure, you might start to get a little wonky when you spend too much time in your own noggin,” She sneezed out a handkerchief and blew her nose with it before stuffing it into a pocket, “but you have to think about why you start getting wonky!”

I scratched my head. “Huh… the only thing I can think of would be that I’m losing my grip on reality, but-”

Pinkie shook her head rapidly. “Nope! You’re still on face value, Max! You need to go deeper!”

I looked at her. “Look, the only thing I can think of is that Noir bends time while I’m there and the curvature of that bullshit makes me lose my understanding of what time is.” Pinkie looked at me and rolled her hand forward. “...So when I start losing my grip on time-” She frowned. “When I start losing my grip on the laws of physics?” She smiled. “When I start losing my grip on what I understand the world to be, I start being able to access my powers more easily?”

Pinkie smiled brightly. “You’re getting pretty close, Max!”

I nodded. “So what you’re trying to get me to understand is that my view of the world is too narrow to properly use my power?”

She tilted a hand from side to side. “Eh. I’m trying to get you to understand that reality itself is kinda subjective. Not everypony can just up and do what I do, Max. I might have a little bit more going on for me than say Twilight or Princess Celestia, but I couldn’t ever hope to match Discord. I know I’m not supposed to talk to you about him, so I guess we’ll keep that little bit to ourselves, but we can safely talk for the next…” She checked the underside of her wrist and rubbed some fur for a moment. I swear there wasn’t a watch there when she started. “Five or so minutes. What’s your power, Max?”

I wasted no time in explaining. “True Theft. I can steal anything with my left hand, whether it be physical or conceptual. I can reach through time and space as well as other dimensions to grab something, but I have to know what it is before I can take it. If it’s a concept, I have to use it with my right hand, so I guess I could steal time from someone and put it into something else.”

Pinkie gave me a grim smile. “You’re not going to be able to steal Discord’s life. His will is a lot stronger than anypony else’s. Even mine, which is why he’s stronger than me. What else you can steal from him is up to you to figure out, but I can tell you that you can put Discord down.”

“I know I have the capacity, but I need the know how. If I can start stealing physical things, then I can move on to concepts in time. Getting the basics down first is just too pertinent-”

“They’re really not. You can already tap into your power, Max. You’re one of the scariest beings on this planet right now, you just need to think more like a crazy pony. You need to see beyond your Earth laws and get hip to the Equusian ones before you go anywhere, you know?”

I shook my head. “I think so, but I don’t know how I’m going to be able to get this done up correctly. Are there any hints you can give me while we still have time to get them out on the floor?”

She shrugged. “Think outward, not inward. True Magic isn’t in your bones, it’s in your heart. When you can swallow the world with your mind, things get a lot easier.”

What the fuck? “What the fuck does that even mean? Seriously, love. That’s kinda cryptic.”

“That’s how advice on this sort of stuff works.” Pinkie reached into her mane and whipped out a pair of shades. “Deal with it.”

“That’s an old meme and you know it.” I scolded.

“Don’t hate, appreciate.”

“That’s even older!”

“I can’t help it. There aren’t really any memes here on Equus, so I like to see what Earth has going on from time to time. I only get snips because I get caught a lot.” She sighed.

I threw a biscuit at her. “Stop breaking the laws of physics.”

She ate it. “It’s more like I’m breaking the walls of literature, but it’s okay!”

“You act like we’re just in a story or something. The only person writing this shit down is me.” I said irritably. I’d better be the only one writing this.

“Dimensions and universes, Max. Once you understand them, you’ll know what I’m talking about.”

“I’m sure I won’t.”

Pinkie sighed again. “True. The only ponies I know of that get it are super-sane.”

“Is that a Dragonball reference?” I asked.

“Sane, not Saiyan, silly!”

“Whoever called you sane might be a few notches off the mark.” I sipped my significantly cooler tea.

“They might be, but then again, they might not be!” Pinkie made a balancing gesture with her hands. “It’s really just a matter of how you look at it, honestly.” Her eyes sparkled and I heard her heart pick up.

“Is there a reason you just got excited?” I asked.

Pinkie drain the tea from her cup and ate all of my fucking biscuits. When she stopped pigging out and swallowed, she let out a contented sigh and came over to grab my hand. “Max! Let’s go pull pranks!”

I wasn’t going anywhere. “Pinks, I really can’t. Princes can’t be caught pulling pranks.”

Pinkie pouted. “Don’t be like that! We’ll just prank Rainbow and Rarity!”

“Isn’t Rarity still pissed at me? She might have hugged me when Twilight and I gave our news, but she’s still not happy with me.”

“Then we can prank Blue and Trixie!”

“...Sure. Why not?” I shrugged.

“Great! Let’s go!”

And so we did indeed do some pranking. Pinkie, for some odd reason, had a cardboard cutout of Trixie, so she was the first one we went around to prank. My partner, for some even stranger reason, knew Trixie’s schedule for the day by heart and so we went around with the cardboard thing and set it up in a window wherever she went. Trixie started becoming more and more visibly disturbed throughout the day when people pointed out that they’d just seen her creepily staring into the window with her pointy wizard hat. If that wasn’t funny enough, Trixie spotted herself twice and Pinkie and I had to run and hide to avoid being caught.

We finally gave the jig up when Trixie shot a beam of magic through a window and made our little cutout burst into flames. Pinkie and I stayed put in our hiding place and Trixie came outside to put the fire out before it could catch anything else, and once she saw that all was fine, she started looking around for the culprits of the prank, but didn’t find us after a few minutes and gave up. Pinkie rose from her hiding place and Trixie was immediately back, having only cast and invisibility spell and started chiding my partner in crime for making her think that she was crazy, but Pinkie maintained that all she’d done was carry around the magnificent visage of Trixie wherever she felt like going and that Trixie had ruined a one-of-a-kind item in her haste. Trixie wasn’t falling for it until Pinkie firmly demanded remuneration for the destruction of her property with her hand out stretched.

Trixie looked at her funny, so I stealthily rose from out of the bushes and snuck around the building so I could pretend to have come from somewhere else and asked if there was a problem. Trixie explained that Pinkie had been following her all day with a cut out of her and was now seeking payment since Trixie had burned off most of the top half. I argued that Pinkie had probably just wanted her to sign it or something silly like that, and while Trixie was looking at me, Pinkie changed out of her combat boots and camo for her outfit from earlier. My sister gave me a look when I suggested that Pinkie hadn't been pranking her, and when she turned to look at Pinkie, she saw a sniveling, youthful looking girl giving her sad eyes that were brimming with tears. Trixie wasn’t falling for it at all and told us to leave her alone, so I gave her a hug, called her a meanie head and left with Pinkie.

Trixie warned us against pranking Blue like we’d done to her as we were going and I promised that we’d keep it mild, so I asked Pinkie if she could get her hands on some candies with an incredibly bitter center and she pulled a few things out. She said they were filled with ‘Bitrex’, something I didn’t think existed here, but there were three of them and Pinkie said that we each had to have one if we were going to make someone else suffer through it. I agreed, though I wasn’t terribly sure how I was going to like the bitter aspect of it, so I was a little wary.

It was about seven when we got to Blue’s shop, so she’d be closing down soon and she had a few browsers in there with us. I greeted my Mum warmly and received a hug while Pinkie asked if she wanted to try her new candy. Blue was immediately suspicious since she knew about my streak for being a prankster and Pinkie was already notorious for it, but I offered to randomly juggle the pieces as she tossed them to me with my eyes closed and she eventually agreed on this strict conditions since it was an entertaining way to make sure everything was good and kosher. Blue tossed the first two pieces to me with my eyes open and I tried to keep the flow up, but I admitted that I was going to have to peek, just in case I misjudged a throw and dropped one. Blue allowed it and I switched my style up from time to time and things were perfectly fine. She snatched one of the candies from the air with magic, so Pinkie grabbed another as I was tossing it and I caught the last one. We all sucked on the jawbreaker-like thing for a little while and they were actually quite good. Pinkie mentioned that she’d dipped them into at least twelve different kinds of sugary goodness and each were tasteable. I was particularly fond of the grape and lemon ones, though the apple and vanilla were a bit strange when compared to the other flavours.

Soon enough, Pinkie bit her candy as children always do and her face screwed up hilariously. Blue and I continued the conversation while the pink prankster went to the liquor store to grab something to get the taste out of her mouth, and I noticed that she spent a good while spitting once she got outside. Blue and I continued talk, but while we were finishing up with our latest topic, namely the wedding I was planning on having in either the Crystal Empire or in Canterlot, Pinkie came back and Blue chose that moment to bite her candy, grimacing something awful and spitting the terrible center out onto her counter top. Pinkie handed over the smallish bottle of amber liquid she’d bought and Blue swished it around in her mouth to clear the worst of the taste and I bit my own candy just to see what the hubbub was about.

It was fucking awful.

Imagine having coffee in your mouth, but not good coffee. Like someone just re-brewed the same pot, over and over, adding new grounds to the kettle every time they poured the coffee back into it. They do this for days at a time, making their coffee so unbelievably bitter that it makes you want to stop eating or drinking for the next week just so you don’t have to face the flavour of something else again. Seriously, it was easily one of the most unpleasant things I’ve ever put in my mouth, and I’ve sucked dick before. Granted, it was Twilight’s dick, or rather, Dusk’s, but still. Fucking gross.

Blue chastised us for making her taste something so awful, but I asked her if the candy before that was good and she said that it had been, so I gave her another hug and asked her to write me and have Spike send the letters while I was in Canterlot. She promised that I’d be getting a couple from her, and with that said and done, Pinkie lead me to Rarity’s for some reason. I told her that I really wasn’t trying to talk to someone who didn’t want to talk to me, but Pinkie wasn’t listening very well, though when we got there, I realized that I wasn’t going to be talking to Rarity per se.

Sweetie Belle was standing outside, obviously waiting on something when Pinkie and I came into view. She waved and met us halfway, though she’d learned to wait until we were within respectable speaking distance to start a conversation in my two year absence.

“Pinkie! Max! I’m glad to see you two!” She said, relieved.

Pinkie smiled. “I told you I’d be by today and I always keep a Pinkie Promise!”

“I don’t know why I’m here, but I’m sure it’s something interesting.” I said flippantly.

Pinkie nudged me in the ribs, so I pulled on her hair a little bit, which made her step on my toes. I gave her a spank with my tentacle and she gave me one with a holey paddle that I hadn't seen before, so I picked her up a few feet off of the and dropped her on her arse. She got up and hit me, so I hit her back. That continued back and forth for a little while until we ended up wrestling, though that concluded with me putting Pinkie in a headlock.

“So is there something you needed?” I asked Sweetie Belle while she was giggling her head off.

“I-” She hiccupped. “I just needed-” She did it again. “Pinkie to check some stuff.”

I glared at Pinkie. “Why’d you drag me over here for stuff you need to do?”

Pinkie was licking my arm, trying to get me to let go. “I wanted to hang out with you!”

I let her go, though she started gnawing on my arm anyway. “That’s weird Pinkie.”

She didn’t respond, so Sweetie Belle took over. “Pinkie’s helping me put a concert together! I’ll be performing after the Pony Tones, but I just don’t know how to start with advertising, and I don’t want it to seem like I’m doing Rarity’s thing…”

“The days where I could ruffle your hair and tell you that things will be fine might be gone, but then again,” I reached over and ruffled her hair, making her glare at me cutely, “I’ve never really given a damn about what I should or shouldn’t do. You’ve got this, Sweetie Belle. Keep your wits about you and you’ll have your audience.”

Sweetie gave me a half smile with furrowed brows. “Gee, thanks Max.” She smoothed her hair out. “You know that’s the quickest way to mess somepony’s mane up, right?”

“That’s the reason I do it.” I smirked.

She reached up and tried to do the same to mine, but I just shook my head and mussed my hair back up in the way I preferred. “Okay, so it doesn’t really work with guys. You know, your mane looks a lot better than any other stallion’s I’ve seen when it’s long.”

“I take care of my hair because Twilight touches it at least once a day. Having someone put their hands on your head daily is a good reason to keep things nice.”

Sweetie leaned in and sniffed me. “You smell good too.”

“It helps to not smell bad. I’ve always been terribly concerned with the way I smell to others, so I try and keep a nice bottle of cologne on me.”

Pinkie nodded. “Max always smells good!” She went back to gnawing on my arm.

Sweetie Belle blushed. “You know, I always thought you were handsome when you were dating Rarity, but I thought that was because I was hoping to have a handsome older brother.”

Nope. Not happening. “Eh, I’ve met better. It really just depends on your tastes.” I tried subtly.

“Well I think Twilight has good taste.” Sweetie said firmly.

How do I shut her down politely? Oh! I know! “Well aren’t you just the sweetest thing on two hooves!” I said patronizingly, pinching her cheek.

She swatted my hand away. “Don’t do that! Fillies are sweet! I’m a mare now, Max!”

I raised a brow. “A young ‘mare’. One who happens to be short, cute, and most of all, sweet.”

She glared at me, blushing hard. “You’re such a mule! I even gave you compliments!”

“I gave you compliments too. Mine just happened to be a lot more platonic than yours. I’m too old for you, Sweetie Belle. That, and I’m already taken.”

Her blush intensified. “The first part isn’t true! You’re four years younger than Twilight, and didn’t you date Celestia of all ponies!? Does age really matter to you?”

“Twilight was only two years older than me before I went back to Earth, and Celestia’s a special case. Besides, I’m engaged to Twilight. Nothing could happen between us, and I doubt Pinkie would be willing to keep it a secret if we did.” I looked to my hanger on and she gave me a thumbs up.

Sweetie huffed, her face still bright red. “You’re just difficult.”

“True.” I responded simply.

She looked at me. “Don’t ponies usually get upset when you say that?”

I raised a brow. “You say that like it’s not true for me. I’ve been told that I’m difficult multiple times by pretty much every woman I know. Pinkie might be excluded from that list, but-”

Pinkie let my arm go and I wiped her slobber off. “No, Max is right. He’s pretty difficult. You really couldn’t handle him.”

I gestured toward Pinkie. “She’s not wrong. Rarity couldn’t handle me and Fluttershy barely could on my better days.”

Sweetie Belle turned away from me. “I could handle you.”

“Love, you can barely handle Spike, and he’s a lot nicer than I am.” I said blandly.

She snorted. “Spike is too nice sometimes.”

“Be patient with him, Sweetie Belle. Relationships work both ways.”

She sighed. “I know, but I’m ready for stuff he wants to wait on-”

“If you’re trying to rush it, you’re not ready.” Pinkie cut in.

“Exactly.” I confirmed. “Is waiting for something really all that bad? I’ve still yet to have sex with Twilight, even though she wants me to hurry up already. She’s worth waiting for, and Spike thinks the same about you.”

“It’s just not fair that the guy gets to make that decision!” Sweetie said angrily.

“It’s not just one person's decision, Sweetie Belle. If you force someone into something, there’s a strong chance that you might alienate them or make them incredibly uncomfortable. Hell, I’ve been sexually active since I was your age, but you know why I never pushed anyone to do that sort of thing with me?” She shook her head. “Because it’s not fun if you’re not both comfortable with doing it. Something as intimate as sex requires a bit more time, and it just varies person to person.”

“Whatever.” She huffed. “Come on, Pinkie. Let’s get the concert put together.”

Pinkie Pie gave me a hug and joined Sweetie Belle in walking back to Rarity’s shop, so I fucked off and grabbed my necklace so I could figure out where Twilight was since there wasn’t anything I really wanted to do. The glowing path thingy took me to Sugarcube Corner, strangely enough, so I walked in, ordered a malt shake and listened in for Twilight’s heartbeat. I heard it in a booth on the opposite side of the little shop, so I made my way over and spotted Twilight talking to Rainbow and Fluttershy, so I made my presence known to Twilight and was shooed away.

Well then.

I fucked off and tried to avoid getting the thick ice cream into my beard, and once I finished it, I left because why would I hang out? I didn’t see anyone else I knew, so I went back to my house and wrote Twilight a note as I packed for my days on the guard training ground. I had quite a few plain black shirts that I didn’t mind getting ruined, so I put those in a spare rucksack that I’d never used and packed some trousers that Twilight had me buy. I thought twice about just packing random shit that I thought would be fine and sent Celestia a letter asking what I should pack to wear for training. She sent one back telling me to wear whatever for the basic training and that Luna expected me to have a week’s worth of dark clothing and another’s worth of day wear. I figured that I could mix in a few of my darker blue shirts as a way to kiss arse and thanked Celestia for letting me know.

With seven shirts and seven pairs of trousers and pants prepared, I checked my boots for any signs of significant wear and tear, but they’d been magically reinforced at Cobble Pot’s shop, so they were still doing pretty well. I’d have to have them redone before I went off to the Canterlot Barracks, but they’d serve me even if I didn’t do it. Shit, they were fucking great boots, after all. With my shit packed, I sent Twilight a note asking if she wanted to come to my place for the night or if I should go to hers and she said that we could bear to spend a night apart. I was understandably upset by this since it would be our last night before I was crowned, and we were going to be apart for an entire month after my day to settle into my princely duties. I didn’t say anything to her, however, and just started smoking because I didn’t want to be bothered anymore. If Twilight didn’t want to spend the night with me, she could stay the fuck at her house then. I wasn’t even really all that angry in the first place, but I was feeling hurt that she’d spurned my company, especially since we’d already spent the whole day apart.

I skipped drinking because I knew that wouldn’t make anyone happy, so I just had a bowl and waited to see if I’d be completely fucked for a little while. I wasn’t, so I started writing more of A Star-Crossed Love, and I’d be lying if I didn’t make the character I’d based off of Twilight start acting a little distant to keep up with what I was feeling at the moment. Noir spoke to me since it was quiet and I was alone, so I went into my mind and she met me in my old hang-out with pizza and video games all ready to go.

“Blackberry, you’re seriously the fucking best.” I sighed, having a seat in my hammock.

She tossed me a controller. “I know. You understand that Twilight is not trying to upset you, correct?”

I levitated myself a slice of pizza. It was even my favourite kind: white sauce, chicken, spinach, bacon and ham. “I understand that this is the last night we have together before I’m stuck being something I really don’t want to be. Honestly, I just want to spend every precious second with her, but-”

“Twilight has her reasons, Maximus. She may not have told them to you, but they are there.” Noir reassured me.

I shrugged and ate some delicious pizza. “I don’t really care what they are at the moment. So what are we playing? Borderlands? Co-Oping Dark Souls for once? Maybe some Ultimate Alliance?”

“I was thinking a bit of the Borderlands Pre-Sequel myself.” Noir said, taking a piece for herself.

“You’re on, tall, dark, and fearsome.”

She actually blushed at that. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. So what do you make of what Pinkie said about my True Magic? Do you think we should just hang out here until my mind starts to slip so we can get it out in the open?”

“No, if a week of meditation in your mind did not do anything, then I rather doubt that spending time here will do much for you. Your mind began to go in the Everfree, and that is the reason you were able to wrap you head around using your telekinesis in the first place. Honestly, I think you should completely isolate yourself for as long as you can bear without going completely insane once you come back from your training with Luna.”

“Pinkie said I just needed to change the way I view the world and what’s possible-”

“Which is what near-insanity will do for you. Once you go back to your Everfree mindset, I am willing to bet that you could become as powerful if not more powerful than the average Alicorn.” Noir snacked heartily, dropping a piece of chicken in her cleavage.

“Aren’t Ponies supposed to be herbivores?” I asked.

She fished it out and popped it into her mouth. “I like meat. Please address the important things.”

“Alright. So how powerful am I in comparison to the average Alicorn right now?”

“You are about a quarter of their strength. What little magic you do have could give an Alicorn pause, but there is not an Alicorn alive that you could actually hope to defeat in a fair fight. Your best chance would be to turn them against each other or to seal their magic so that you could stab them, but even then, Twilight while weak is still stronger than you by a wide margin if she feels like she needs to be.”

I nodded as I took that in, chewing on some tasty, tasty pizza. Something from what felt like years ago surfaced in my mind. “...When I first got my telekinesis, rocks were floating all around me…”

“But when you tried to use it, the power became a singular entity.” Noir finished, giving me a sly smile.

“...So you’re saying that by directing my magic, I’m actually weakening it in a sense?”

“I am saying that there are different ways to channel your magic. You use it as a tool, but not as an extension of yourself. If you come to see it as a part of your soul, another piece of the whole, then you could do more with it. Granted, you have not done much experimenting with the magic you have, but you had a great grasp of what it could do when you were Celestia that one time.”

I thought about that. “I need to feel it instead of directing it. By trying to use my telekinesis as a tool, I made it into one, but it’s really an extension of my will in a incorporeal form, which is why Celestia said that it was magic in the first place.” I held my pizza in my hand and tried levitating it like I’d done a thousand time before, but this time, I willed it to rise instead of picking it up.

Noir and I watched as I worked without working, tried without trying. It was an odd feeling, but after a an hour and one hell of a headache, the pain disappeared and was replaced by a calm assurance that I was doing something right. While I was maintaining the calm, things around the room began to raise as if someone had turned off the gravity, but I held my elation and maintained the stony neutrality I’d kept. This was different from meditation in that I was looking outward instead of inward, just as Pinkie had suggested I do in the first place. It just… It made sense to me in a way. There was no way, rather, there still isn’t a way I can describe it. I felt like I was on the cusp of understanding something so much larger than myself, but it just wasn’t the right time, the right conditions for me to make that discovery yet.

I gently willed everything back to the ground and wondered why doing something so simple as changing the way I looked at my power had altered the way it worked, though I didn’t question it. A melodious chuckle ran through my head while I was thinking and Noir looked around.

“Good job on step one.” An androgynous cadence of voices echoed.

Noir’s eyes widened. “God?”

The voice stopped speaking and we looked at each other. I knew for a fact that I wasn’t going to get any further than that until I went back to the Everfree, but Noir’s face was a stony mask of worry. I hopped down from my hammock and put my pizza down so I could go give her a hug that she returned after a moment.

“Maximus, was that really-”

“Yes. It was. First time hearing Their voice in person, right?”

“The memories I get from your trips in heaven are hard to follow. You are truly on the path.” She said quietly.

I blew into her ear and she squirmed. “That’s right. We just figured out the first piece of the puzzle. Now it’s up to me to continue down that path.”

Noir pushed me away. “That is a strange feeling. The blowing, not the success. Sit down and let us celebrate with video games, yes?”

I went back over to my hammock and picked up my pizza before sitting. I devoured the rest of its hot goodness so I could get to the vidya already and Noir did the same with hers. We were both fucking elated about our progress in the field of understanding, but as we chatted about all the possible avenues I might take to enhance my grip on the subject, we came to the same roadblock a few times. It expanding my view of what was possible was all it took, then why didn’t I have full control of my powers already? I understood that my misinterpretation of telekinesis in the Everfree had changed what I understood it as, but in the mindscape, I could pretty much do whatever anyway. I’d done so much creating and destroying, altering my body in various ways without needing an in depth understand or really even trying, so why was I only now on the second step? Noir reasoned that I’d just scraped the surface of feeling and that I’d get it more after time, so we decided that we’d keep trying to bolster my telekinetic strength whenever I was in the mindscape to see if that would help with my perception.

When Noir told me that my standard eight hours were up, I asked if she would mind too terribly if we continued with our visit. She said she would give me another four hours since it was a special occasion and I decided that I would spend three and a half of those hours smoking a rack of ribs because sometimes Americans get things right. I would have done them lower and slower, but Noir warned me that trying to extend my time by using stupid tactics would get me kicked out, so I kept to our timeline and we talked about some other stuff, like the largest sword she’d ever masturbated with, the longest I’d ever gone while fapping, and what we should do the next time we got together. She said that we should do some form of stress relief since it was might be a couple days until I could get a moment to meditate and I agreed, so after eating the ribs we made, I left the mindscape and checked my pocket watch.

Noir hadn't made the time pass much faster while I’d been in the mindscape, so I’d been gone for a few hours in the confines of my mind. I was still coming down from my high back in reality, so I went back to writing and got a fair portion done before my motivation petered out. It was shaping up rather nicely and the ending was looking like it would be right on track. Once I put the book down, I checked my pantry to see if I still had those loaves of bread I’d bought and made myself a massive egg sandwich. I was honestly getting tired of eggs, but after adding some cheese and onions to them, they were a lot more tolerable. Either way, even if I didn't like eggs, I still needed to eat them in place of protein if I was going to continue building muscle. Something struck me then I struck me. It was my first night without Twilight since… Shit, I dunno, I wasn’t really paying that much attention, but that did mean I could slip into the Everfree and do a little hunting!

I was going to throw on some dark clothes until I realized that I was already wearing some and patted the Warbling Blade. It’s not like it ever left my hip anyways, so I was good to go whenever I felt like it. I wrote out a note to Twilight telling her that I was going to go hunting and that I would be back by morning, just in case she was up at this ridiculous hour and went out to go find myself something tasty.

I remembered the scent of the weird goat-thing I’d killed a while ago, so I figured that I could hunt another one of those while I was out and about. The moon was high and it’s light filtered through the dark canopy in spots and spaces, light parts of the path while it’s absence obscured others as shadows tend to do. Suddenly, I felt a lot better about not being with Twilight and felt at ease, like I was slipping into an old pair of house shoes that I’d been walking around in forever. My natural stealth and the Everfree’s energy lended themselves to making the moment feel like a proper hunt, like I was going out for food because I was starving. I mean, I needed the meat anyways, but people tend to freak out when you start killing shit around Ponyville. I’d never been caught with a kill, and I really wasn’t trying to ruin my streak now, so I stayed quiet and listened to the sounds of the forest, willing my heart to steady and my ears to picks up even the faintest breath, the slightest disturbance in the leaves.

I noticed something making quite the commotion from far behind me, but it was rapidly closing in. I was startled since I’d only ever known one thing to move that fucking quickly, but I didn’t think that she was going to be out and about so late at night for no reason. When it was upon me, I wasn’t all that surprised to find those lovely blue eyes looking back at me, but it was still pleasant to see her.

“Hullo, Nashoba.” I said quietly.

She butted my chest with her head. “Max. What brings you into the Everfree?”

“Looking for something with meat on its bones. Mind if I have a bite of you?” I jested.

“Only if I can have one from you, my silly Human. If you want, we can hunt together. I’m never terribly full, so I could spare some time to help you land a kill.”

“Have we ever hunted together?” I asked.

“Not for food.”

“Oh yeah, the Kobolds. Fuck those guys.”

She nodded. “Fuck those guys. So what are we looking for?”

“Something goat-like. I got one the last time I was here, but I think I got sent off on a mission before I could eat it.”

“How terrible. If only you had a steadier source of food.” She said sarcastically.

“Oi. No protein, no strength. No strength, no hunting. Besides, someone hasn’t been dropping off haunches like they said they would.” I reminded.

“You were gone for two years. I forgot about it.” Nashoba defended. Kinda.

“Fair enough. So can you scent something on the breeze or are we going for a walk?”

“It’s going to be a bit of a walk.”

I nodded. “How did you know I was out here, anyways?”

“My Foremother, Sirius, follows you out of interest. I don’t see you very often because I don’t have to.” Nashoba informed.

“You know that’s creepy as shit, right?”

“She’s not unlike Noir, Max. She can’t directly affect you, and she is much like I was before I became Wolfmother. She’s actually a lot less irritable than I was, so I thought she would be a good match to watch over you, just in case you came to any danger.”

“Then where was she when Twilight was all over me?”

“...We don’t pretend to understand your Two-Leg mating rituals, Max. We really don’t.”

I sighed. “Shut up and let’s find some food, yeah?”

“Then we walk. How has your time back on Equus been?”

“Well, I’m becoming a prince and I’ll be going to Canterlot for a month so I can receive some training on that sort of thing. Well, about three quarters of it is going to be getting my body into fighting shape, and the other quarter is going to be a crash course on my princely duties, depending on how fast I can learn it. I’m sure I’ll be going over a lot of things with Noir.”

“That sounds very tedious. I would rather take my journey again than spend a month doing your petty Two-Leg nonsense.”

“Right now, I’d rather have the quick and painless option. Well, it’s actually going to be incredibly painful, but still.”

“Like I said, Two-Leg nonsense. Still, if there is any Two-Leg I have met that can overcome it, there is none other than you who will exceed expectations.”

I patted her back. “Thanks, Nashoba. Twilight told me that I have a lot of support going into this, but I have to say I trust you as much as I do Noir to give it to me straight.”

“You've known me longer.” She grumbled.

I scratched her ears. “But Noir knows me better. She knows me better than anyone possibly could, so don’t feel like it’s a competition.”

“What’s your favourite color?” Nashoba asked out of nowhere.

“I’d have to say it’s royal or navy blue. One of the two. I like both, honestly. What’s yours?”

“I like dark and bright red.” She answered.

“So you like the sight of blood?”

“I see it often enough. What is your favorite food?”

“Whatever red meat I can get my hands on, pretty much. It used to be lo mein, but those words mean nothing to you, so I’m going with red meat since I fucking miss it already. Seriously, going without meat after having it every day on Earth sucks arse.”

“You’re right, those words truly mean nothing to me, but I understand the love of red meat. Birds are fine, but nothing beats a good deer.”

“Actually, can we go hunt a deer? I actually learned how to skin one of those while I was in America for a couple days. I had to get a hunting license, but it was worth it just to have some venison I killed myself.”

“I have no idea what most of that means, but I’m sure you enjoyed yourself. We could always head to the fringe of the Everfree, but I’m not sure if you could get close enough to a deer in the Whitetail woods. I have luck because I’m faster than they are. You might struggle since your magic has a range limitation.”

“Actually, I learned how to do something else, I think. If I can, I’ll show you now.”

I closed my eyes for a moment to steady my breathing and opened them again, willing the detritus around us to shift and swirl, to rise and go away from us. I kept my heartbeat nice and steady through a breathing technique some talk-show hosts taught me to keep calm during an interview, and after not giving a shit about whether or not it worked, things started rising all around Nashoba and myself. I wondered what would happen if I tried to direct it, so I raised a hand, but it was as if there was a force limiting how quickly I could move my hand, so I lifted it a bit harder and noticed that the leaves, branches, and general loose materials started forming a pillar of sorts as I brought my hand to about shoulder height. Instinctively, I flicked my hand in a circular motion a few times and the pillar started to swirl , drawing the debris from further away into it which struck me as pretty cool, so I tried pushing the pillar back down and it flattened out, spreading across the forest. The spot Nashoba and I stood in was bare, but the area around it was covered pretty evenly with what I’d picked up.

Nashoba looked at me. “...That was interesting, but I’m sure that noise scared off any prey that may have been anywhere near here.”

I shrugged. “And it would’ve attracted any predators, so we should probably get moving unless you want Manticore blood in your mouth again.”

She snorted in distaste. “Disgusting. They taste worse than cats.”

“Then let’s get to stepping.”

And so we did. We stopped talking since we were on the prowl, and like we’d thought, predators of all kinds started coming out of the woodwork until they caught Nashoba’s scent or felt the lethal vibe she was putting off. It didn’t help that I was throwing out my Dark Aura to go right along with it, so we got most of them to fuck off without bloodshed, though I did get to meet a wild Dog that seemed to know Nashoba. He asked her if she’d killed anything and she told him that she hadn't and invited him to come hunting with us if he could shut the fuck up for two minutes. He couldn’t, so she told him to follow a fair distance behind and wait until we actually did find something worth eating.

After about an hour and a half, we found a target, so Nashoba and I crept closer to it, neither of us making much more than odd rustle in the leaves below. Once I was sure that I was close enough to strike if Nashoba failed, I had her circle around and took to the trees. Our target was one of the deer-like creatures I’d spotted eating fruit during my stay in the Everfree, and as it was bedded down, I had the advantage of the high ground and crossed through the trees using their branches as impromptu bridges. It wasn’t terribly quiet, nor was it terribly easy, but I wouldn’t have chosen the route if I hadn't thought it out, but during my last jump, the prey nearly bolted. Still, I was directly above it now and it was staring in Nashoba’s direction, so when I landed on its back and slammed the Warbling Blade through its brain, things went well.

And then it started fucking screaming.

The crazy deer thing tried to get me off of its back, and since I’d landed on myfeet, it was about to do a damn good job of it until Nashoba came from the shadows like Death itself and tore a chunk of its throat out like she was biting through cotton candy. It calmed down quickly after it came to the sudden realization that it was dead as fuck, and soon after it bled to death, Nashoba ripped one of its forelegs off and nibbled on it a little bit. By that I mean she held the hoof part on the ground by the knee joint and cleaned all of the meat off in one go. Shit was fascinating to watch, but I had to get to work and started field dressing it until Nashoba offered to drag it closer to my home. I welcomed the gesture after ridding the thing of it’s entrails, though they didn’t stay on the forest floor for long. The wild dog from earlier came and tucked in while Nashoba and I were on our way out and I could hear the heartbeats of various other animals waiting for a chance to come and get our leftovers.

The walk went a lot faster since we didn’t give a shit about making too much noise. Nashoba dropped the deer-thing to tell me that her Apex Aura mixed well with my Dark Aura, so we put them to good use and got back to my place pretty quickly. I had to clean the deer in the woods to avoid getting blood on everything, but once everything was done, I set up a decent spit in my backyard and started roasting the meat I’d collected. I’d taken the time to find a large, flat rock that I could cook more meat on and collected more sticks to make spits out of so I could make use of the fire I’d made. What I didn’t cook outside, I took inside to cook on the stove and started putting as much of the meat as I could into the icebox in my cellar that I’d never used. Magical utilities are nice like that.

Nashoba followed me around and we talked about some of the stuff that she’d done as the Wolfmother, but she swore me to secrecy since I was one of three people she was allowed to trust with this information, those people being Fluttershy, Uror, and myself. Fluttershy because she was so respected in the community, Uror because she’s the fucking Matron, and me because I was her master before ascension and I’m her ‘chosen’. We might not spend much time together, but Nashoba and I never lost that closeness we built when I first came to Equestria, and the time we spent together really bonded us together. We survived multiple battles together, and I know that this might be our last hurrah as far as being able to take on an opponent in any capacity, which makes me rather sad that I didn’t get to take her on more missions. Actually, now that I think about it, that’s not fucking true at all. We literally have a war ahead of us and I’m going to be fighting in. God, I’m fucking stupid sometimes.

Nostalgic bullshit aside and queer, somewhat bloodthirsty hope for the future in hand, we move on. I went back outside while the meat on my stove was cooking and pulled the strips from the first spit off since they were cooked. I was just drying the rest of it besides what was on the stone slab anyhow, so I moved the spit over a little bit once I had the meat on a plate and reloaded it with meat, but now it would be drying instead of cooking. While I was trying to poke the strips of meat from the stone slab onto the plate, Nashoba asked if I’d mated with Twilight yet. I told her that we were still waiting, but that I’d proposed to her, though I had to explain what that meant to her in Zgon terms. She understood it as me calling mating rights on her for life and I agreed since that was pretty much what it was if you took love out of the equation, though Nashoba did understand the concept of love better than she used to.

I asked Nashoba if she was still mating with Krel and she told me that she’d had Twilight cast her spell on her a few times when she went into heat so Krel could take care of her desires, but she thankfully stopped there. I didn’t want to hear any more than that and I didn’t need to, not by any stretch of the imagination. That being said, my follow up question was on how Krel himself was doing and she mentioned that he still wanted cubs, even if he had to claim his own territory, tooth and claw, so that he could raise them in the Everfree and I asked why she didn’t just set scent markers to claim some as hers and make Krel her mate. Nashoba let out a heavy sigh when I asked that and told me that Uror had offered to keep her offspring in her clearing, but that they would never be able to have children of their own. It just wouldn’t be right to mate and expect her children to never want the same. I respected that and left it alone since she obviously didn’t want to talk about it.

To make up for touching on a sore subject, I gave her the plate of meat save for a strip I’d kept for myself and we snacked as the sun rose. The meat was a little gamey, but that was to be expected, though the sunrise was magnificent in its own right, as it usually is. We only watched it for a few minutes before heading inside to check on the meat in and on the stove. The meat on the stove was prepared, so Nashoba and I had steak for breakfast, and once the meat in the stove was done a few hours later, I got it wrapped up and put it in my pantry.

I still had a lot of meat left to work with and I was running out of time to do stuff with it, so I went downstairs and grabbed the salt I’d kept buying every time I went to the market to cure meat and started wrapping my left over loins, belly meat, and shoulder meat in cheesecloth and started curing them with all sorts of spices. Seriously, I made a fucking tonne of the stuff and hung it all from the rafters in my rather dry shed since I had sawdust everywhere. Any moisture in the air would hopefully be collected by that, but I resolved to grab some ash and charcoal from my fire to further help along in the process.

When the strips of meat above the fire were finally done, I got those wrapped up and brought them inside to be stored before lighting candles all over the place. God forbid a Pony come into my house and find it reeking of cooked animal flesh or some shit. Honestly, I understand that they don’t like eating other creatures, but it’s a fucking fact of life, a part of nature: Things eat other things. They just do. Do I have to so I can survive? No, I don’t, but I don’t have access to the same supplementary bullshit Earth Vegans do, and even if I didn’t Humans are omnivores. Seriously, the worst part about being in Equestria is that they’re all herbivores by nature, but at least they have a reason. Fucking Earth Vegans and their pushy, preachy, pretentious bullshit.

Rant over. New day already dawned. Let’s get back to the actual bullshit that means things, yeah?

So Nashoba took her leave after eating most of the deer and leaving me what I’d already cooked. I took a shower and got my morning ritual done before I wrote Spike a note and offered to give him a steak for breakfast since I knew the guy was fond of meat, and I’d saved a particularly large slab for him. Seriously, it was like a full kilo of meat in my skillet, and when he told me that he’d be right over after feeding Twilight, I remembered that I was mad at her for not wanting to spend the night with me. It’d worked out in the end, but still.

Spike came over along with Twilight around nine-thirty and immediately upon walking in my fiance started scolding me about not trying to air the place out and I told her to shove it. She was understandably taken aback by my cold tone and harsh words, so when I walked her around the down stairs and showed her that my windows were, in fact, open and that I did, in fact, have several candles lit, I asked her if she would like to rescind her statement. Twilight gave me a concerned look and asked if I was okay, so I told her that I was upset that we hadn't spent our last night before I became royalty together. Twilight furrowed her brows and crossed her arms, stating that nothing would change after I became royalty just like nothing had changed for her. She considered it just another night, but it really wasn’t just another night. I pointed Spike toward the dining room and told him that the food on the table was for him and that Twilight and I were going upstairs for a talk.

Once I closed my bedroom door behind us, Twilight said, “Max, it really is just another night! I don’t see what the big deal is!”

“Twilight, are you fucking serious right now?” I said in a low lethal tone, making her wince. “If it was just another night to me, would I really be upset? I’ve told you so many fucking times that I never wanted to be a Goddamn noble, neverthe-fucking-less royalty so fuck me for wanting to spend as much time as I possibly could before I become one of the things I hated the most on Earth! God for-fucking-bid I actually want to be near you before I go away for a month, and when I get back, I’m already fucking slated to go again! If you would’ve let me talk to you yesterday, I could’ve told you that I have to go into the Everfree solo-”

“That’s not happening.” Twilight cut in, her voice a naked blade.

“It has to. For me to understand how my magic works, I need to get back to the brink of insanity, and if you’re there, then I’m too tethered-”

“It’s. Not. Happening. I’m letting you go to Canterlot because I know Celestia and Luna will keep you safe. I’m not letting you stay in the Everfree for a month-”

I got up in her face. “My magic either saves the world or it crumbles. I don’t want to leave you to go to Canterlot, but I’m going for the good of Equestria. I don’t want to go to the Everfree, but I’m going for the sake of the world.”

Twilight set her jaw. “What the buck are you even talking about?” She spat.

“If I could tell you, I would, but there’s magic on you that even Celestia can’t dispel.”

She snorted. “Yeah right-”

“Discord’s planning a World War.” I said hatefully.

Twilight blinked a few times, her face clearing before going back to the peeved look. “What were we talking about?”

I spread my hands before running them through my hair, turning away from her. “It’s not your fucking fault. God-fucking-DAMMIT!”

Twilight startled at my sheer fury and despite being upset herself, she reached out to touch my shoulder. “Look, I understand that you feel like you have to do this alone-”

I growled and went to swat her hand away before sighing and losing my steam. “What you’re not understanding is that I actually have to do part of this alone. No contact from you, the Princesses, or even Noir. I’m solo on this one, cherry. It’s one hundred percent up to me, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“...I already told you that you’re not becoming a prince on your own, so what makes you think you have to do anything else on your own?”

I held up three fingers. “I asked Pinkie’s advice on how to tap into my magic-”

Twilight looked at me like I was retarded. “Seriously? Everypony knows Pinkie isn’t all there in the head, Max.”

I looked her in the eyes. “Pinkie isn’t stupid, Twilight. She might pretend to be, but that girl is nearly as smart as you if I’m guessing right, and she’s a lot more powerful than you think she is.”

Twilight furrowed her brow and tilted your head. “Max, I think you’re just taking things too seriously. Pinkie isn’t some secret genius-”

“Does what I say to you just not matter today, or do you just feeling like ignoring me?” I snapped. “I’m telling you the truth: Pinkie is a mind like no other. She might be insane, but her moments of clarity make her one of the most terrifying creatures on this planet, Twilight. She breaks the laws of physics on a daily basis-”

“Max, that’s just Pinkie being Pinkie. She’s not a secret genius, I’m telling you!”

I groaned. “Fine. If you don’t think Pinkie’s advice is worth a damn, then how about Noir’s?”

Twilight clutched a hand to her chest. “Well…”

I raised my brows at her. “And as I was saying before with Pinkie: she told me that I need to stop thinking like I’m on Earth and come around to the laws that are on Equus. Pinkie’s advice-”

“Max, Pinkie doesn’t give good advice on magic!” Twilight objected.

I glared at her. “I swear, cut me off again and I’ll throw you out of my house Twilight Sparkle. You spent two years waiting for me because you accepted my word as absolute fact, but now you can’t wrap your head around your friend being a little more than she seems?”

Twilight clutched her hands together. “...I won’t interrupt you again, but I really don’t think Pinkie is who you think she is.”

I sighed heavily. “How many times have I seen sides of people that you’ve never even thought to look for?”

Twilight didn’t answer, so I picked up where I left off. “As I was saying. Pinkie gave me some confusing advice about True Magic-” Twilight gasped, “Yes, she knows about it, and no, it’s not because I told her. Pinkie advised me to change how I look at the world and Noir basically told me the same thing, so I changed how I looked at my telekinesis, and after an hour’s worth of work, I got it back into its original form-” Twilight opened her mouth and I sighed. “Alright, I’m sure this one’s actually important, so just ask.”

She nodded. “What do you mean ‘it took it’s original form’? I thought you said that it’s always been a tentacle?”

“Since I’ve been able to actively use it, that’s been the story, but when I first discovered it, I was just levitating rocks from all around me. I just recently learned how to do that on purpose.” I answered irritably. “Can I continue?”

Twilight looked at me sadly and nodded, but before I went on, I just wanted a hug from her, so I didn’t bother asking and just went for it, wrapping my arms around her until she pushed me away. That started to ache in my chest until she put her arms around my neck and drew me down for a kiss that made apologizing seem like it was that much more important. When I pulled away, she spoke before I had the chance to.

“Amour, I’m sorry I didn’t spend the night with you, it’s just… I didn’t really take into consideration that we wouldn’t be able to share a bed for so long so soon after you came home but… I’m kind of freaking out about being engaged, you know?” I tilted my head and she hurriedly added, “It’s not that I don’t want to get married to you! It’s just that… It seemed like a long-term goal, you know? When you came back, I thought you were going to wait until things went back to normal, but… Things are changing, and you’re more swept up by it than I am. I mean, look at what’s happened since you’ve come back! There’s been so much on your plate and I… I just feel useless…”

I couldn’t let that go, so I answered her with my lips first and resorted to words after I heard her heartbeat level out a little instead of the harsh throbbing it had been doing. “Cherry, you’ll never be useless. Knowing that you’ll be by my side, that you’ll always love me… It helps with so much. I’m not the best person right now, but the only reason I have any good left in me is because you give me something to be here for. When I came home from Canterlot that day and I was so torn up, you just kept me tethered down… I was going to do my best to stay dead after I told Luna about what Graham did to me, Twilight, and you just being there for me… I’ve never wanted to end my life again. I’m sorry I didn’t consider that I just sprung my proposal on you out of nowhere, but like you said, things are changing so fast, I don’t know if tomorrow is promised to us, not just me.”

We looked at each other for a moment, but it was Twilight’s turn to speak, despite how much I wanted to say something. “Max, I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you and that I spaced out in the middle of a conversation. I’m sorry that I kept interrupting you and didn’t… Well, I still don’t believe you about Pinkie, but it’s hard to see something different in a pony you’ve known for the majority of a decade. If you say she said something that turned out to help you with your magic, then I believe that, but Pinkie is crazy.” Twilight gave me a weary grin.

“You’re forgiven. I’m sorry I was so cold and angry with you, but I was just so hurt… I felt like you didn’t value our time together, and I know that’s not true, but I want to spend my life with you, Twilight. We have thousands of years, and I can’t think of not wanting you around. Even when I’m knackered or livid with you, I just want to know that you’re around.” I sighed. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the Everfree thing sooner, but I’ll wait a few days before I leave again. I’d like to avoid leaving at all if I can, but…” My shoulders slumped and I pursed my lips.

Twilight kissed me again. “I understand, amour. It’s non-negotiable, isn’t it?”

“When we go to Canterlot today, I’ll check in with Celestia to see if there’s something else she thinks would work. To my knowledge, you Alicorns just have an innate knowledge of your True Magic and how it’s supposed to work.”

“Well… Yeah, I guess. I mean, it’s not really the same for everypony. Mine and Cadance’s magic work similarly since we bring out the emotions in other ponies that are just latent or are just being covered by others, but Celestia and Luna said that theirs couldn’t really be explained to Cadance.”

“They grasp the world and make it turn, don’t they?” I asked.

Twilight’s eyes widened. “H-How did you know!?”

“It fits with what Pinkie told me about my own power.” I sighed. “I can’t do something on the scale that Celestia or Luna to my knowledge, but I’m supposed to be able to read through dimensions and what not. Maybe that’s why my magic is so hard to grasp?”

“...Max, if that’s true, then your magic is probably stronger than mine.” Twilight said, absolutely staggered.

I shrugged. “You have Unicorn magic, which is a lot more useful.”

She bobbed her head from side to side and made a ‘so-so’ gesture. “Kinda. Either way, if Spike is done eating whatever gross thing you’re feeding him, we really need to get to Canterlot.”

“Cherry, Spike’s supposed to be a carnivore. We’ve been over this.” I sighed.

“He never needed meat before.” She huffed.

“Because you kept him small, weak, and docile. He loves meat Twilight. I’d be surprised if he doesn’t ask for second, even with the fucking slab I gave him.” I lead the way out of my room and Twilight followed closely behind. I offered her my hand and she took it, so that was nice.

We came downstairs and Spike was still picking his teeth, relaxing on my couch when we came down the stairs. “What’s up, guys?” He asked lazily.

“We’re heading to Canterlot now. How was breakfast?” I asked, a little worn out already.

“Duuude!” He said. “You’re the best brother ever!”

I nodded. “Damn straight, and don’t you forget it, mate.”

Twilight sighed. “I’ll never get why you think eating other living creatures is necessary.”

“Well, for one, I don’t eat them while they’re alive, Twilight. I don’t see you bitching at Nashoba for eating other animals.”

“Max, Nashoba is an animal!” Twilight protested.

“She’s an intelligent animal, and what are people other than intelligent animals? My people were born as omnivores, Twilight. You judging me for eating meat is like me judging you for eating flowers. They’re literally just decorations and on my planet.”

She gave me a look. “Plants don’t have feelings.”

I raised a brow at her. “They don’t, but they can feel pain.”

She rolled her eyes. “Max, that’s ridiculous.”

“Multiple studies from my planet have shown that they really do. Just think: Every time you take a step in a grassy field, you’re causing so much pain.” I inspected my fingernails.

Twilight hit me. “Max!”

I pinched her back. “Are we really wasting time on this? I’m sure we have better things to be doing.”

Twilight rolled her eyes and Spike got up to join us. “I’m not even going to respond to that.”

I smirked. “You just did.”

“Shut up, Max.” Twilight said blandly, her horn already glowing.

A few moments later, we were standing a little ways from Canterlot Castle, and there were already a fucking ludicrous amount of people waiting for entry. When Twilight popped us in, people started making way for the latest princess, though I’m pretty sure that no one really recognized me as the new guy at all. I wasn’t expecting anyone to give a damn about me until I made the speech thing I was supposed to make, so when I specifically got held up at the Castle Gate when Twilight and Spike passed through, I tried not to be all that offended. Twilight came back while I was chiding them for not realizing that I was with my fiance and when she told them that she actually was preparing to marry me, so they apologized profusely and let me through. I was tempted to throw Seals at them and make them weak or dumb, but then that would be mean and I was supposed to be nice for the day while in public.

Celestia teleported us into her private audience chamber once we crossed the castle’s threshold and the gang was all there, already waiting for us. The girls, Blue and Trixie, Cadance and Shining, and Luna were all poking about, talking or doing just about fuck all. I got through and talked to them all for the most part, though Shining avoided talking to me by glaring a special set of daggers that were only supposed to be brought out for fucking Assyrian Honor Duels or some shit. Seriously, the amount of pure spite and loathing in the guy’s eyes made me a bit wary about dealing with him in the future. It was a damn shame that we’d fallen apart so soon after finally bonding, but then again, I’d been gone for so fucking long… I wish we could reconcile, but I don’t think it’s in the cards for us right now. Maybe in a few years we’ll get back to square one and he’ll just hate me for loving Twilight.

While I was talking to Cadance to thank her again for helping with Twilight’s crazy lust thing, Luna took me aside to tell me that, if my True Magic really could help us with our ‘problem’, then she wouldn’t kill me for becoming too powerful. I just gave her a bored look and told her that I’d figured she wouldn’t be stupid enough to kill the only chance we have at preventing our ‘problem’ from taking hold and destroying everything. We kept our conversation nice and quiet about the merits of keeping me alive , but she maintained that if I ever grew too powerful with my Dark Magic, she’d still kill me. I welcomed her to it, if she really thought she could follow through and kill a Prince of Equestria without people asking questions. She said that she would just tell them that Nightmare Moon returned and seized my body, making me a tool for her evil. It was a very pleasant conversation.

Once all the talking and shit was done, everyone went to go change into their proper attire since it was supposed to be an event of the highest order. As it turns out, some fucker who only knew what Celestia told him about me made my suit, but when I learned that it was Hoity Toity, the fashion guy that I’d met at Fancy and Fleur’s, I realized that I’d missed an opportunity to get him to know me as well as possible. In any case, the suit they had made for me was… Odd. It wasn’t gaudy, thankfully, but it wasn’t exactly plain either. My seal was over the left breast, pretty much exactly where it was on my chest, and the suit itself seemed to be a rather normal three button tuxedo, though it was a pleasant, darker charcoal grey with royal blue accents. It seemed quite fashionable to me, and when I came out of the room I’d gotten dressed in, I felt like I was hella handsome until a maid came up to me and told me that I was to be groomed by some hairdresser. I was tempted to Shadow Dive away since I didn't really want to be bothered with it, but then Twilight came to find me and she… Well, she looked rather nice.

Her dress was mostly a lighter purple, nearly pink, with a pale yellow sash that went around her shoulders. She was holding a royal blue one that matched my accents and I went ahead and threw it on, feeling like a dumbass. Sashes don’t look good on dudes, but Twilight told me that I looked extremely handsome and that she hoped I’d wear the same tux on our wedding night. I told her that I’d hold onto it, just in case we ever wanted to dress up on a special occasion and she told me that, under no circumstances, was I to wear this particular tux for anything other than official business or our wedding. I told her that I wanted to have Rarity make us something for our wedding and she said that Rarity wasn’t going to want to make anything for me. I pointed out that I wasn’t exactly expecting on getting married soon, just that I’d wanted us to at least be engaged before everything got super crazy. Twilight gave me a smile and a kiss before saying that she felt like she’d been worried about getting married too soon and I explained that it was normal for people from my world to wait years before going through with the actual marriage part and she asked why that was. I didn’t have a solid answer for her, so I theorized that it was because of financial issues or they had a specific date in mind.

While we were walking behind the maid lady, Twilight mentioned that she needed to have her hair put up and I said that I liked the way it looked while it was down, especially since she’d tried the new style. She asked what I meant and I told her that the wavy curls at the fringes of her hair were a bit more alluring than the straight edges she’d had before I went away and she took a moment to look at the curled tips before it really dawned on her. She blushed and thanked me for the compliment, but maintained that her usual style just wasn’t going to cut it today.

Speaking of people’s usual styles, my mop of hair seriously needed a trim. As it was, the stuff was down to my shoulders and it hung just about everywhere. I’d put it in a ponytail while hunting, but when I’d finished cooking my meat and took my shower, I’d let it do whatever and now I had some serious work to be done. The stylist, a pleasant woman by the name of Satin Shears, asked me if there was any style in particular I’d like her to do. I just asked if she could avoid making me look like a pompous prick and go for something a little more humble, but she said that pompous and proud was the order of the day. When I started to argue that nobles were supposed to be humble in the first place, she cut me off and said that she had the perfect style for me, and Satin said that I might even be happy with it. I shrugged and let her get to work, keeping a polite conversation going and telling jokes. When she finished, I kinda looked like some hipster prick, but not a pretentious hipster prick, so I was sorta-kinda okay with it. It was the best hair cut I’d gotten so far and told her as much and Satin asked me to come back to her if my mop ever got out of hand again. I told her that I would and nearly meant it.

Once that ordeal was over, I went to go find Twilight again, but Celestia scooped me up before I could get to her and had me go wait in some room because the shit was supposed to be starting soon. I really didn’t want to do that shit, but I did anyway and when Celestia teleported me to the place I was supposed to wait, I paced around for a little bit before sitting down and having a think about why Celestia was so set on making me a prince anyway. It was late for this kinda consideration, but still, I gave it some thought and concluded that she must have wanted me tied down in some way, shape, or form, specifically to Equestria. I mean, I could have gone back to Gryphonia after I knew that Elfriede wasn’t going to kill me, but it just hadn't been in the cards for me, so I figured making sure that I stayed loyal to her was out of the question. I thought about the services I’d done for Equestria, but the only things I’d really done were steal back a crown-thing no one really cared about in the first place and assassinate a neighboring king that got a little out of hand. I mean, sure, I know she still loves me, but I couldn’t wrap my head around how she was planning on selling my becoming a prince to the common folk, especially since I hadn't done anything they’d really known about. It was something that seriously worried me to no end, but I tried to not let it get to me and just tried to relax as well as I could. To get my mind off of it, I practiced with my original telekinesis some more and actually tried willing some of the heavier thing around to rise. The more I tried to lift at one time, the more my head started to feel… Well, it wasn’t really fuzzy or painful, but it was just weird, like something was expanding and contracting wool or cotton around my brain and folding it in on itself , seeping into the cracks. It felt like I was learning something or other, but at the same time, like it had just been something I’d known all along.

When a random butler came in and told me that it was time for me to make my entrance, I willed everything to return to its original position in the room since I’d made everything start swirling around me on accident. I didn’t miss the odd stare the butler gave me while I was walking out, so I asked him if he was okay and he just said that he’d never seen anyone other than Princess Celestia or Princess Luna do that much at once. Most Unicorns could barely manage the couch, and by the time I’d finished, I’d had most of the furniture in the room in the air, but I chalked it up to my original telekinesis being weird. I was pretty sure that by picking up random things I was actually exercising the mental muscle required to do what I’d done. Still, I didn’t have much time to enjoy thinking because I was quickly ushered before the door that had once held Shining and Cadance’s wedding.

“Fillies and gentlecolts!” Celestia announced. “Today, I have the honor of presenting to you for the first time a stallion who has done great things for Equestria. This stallion was not born in Equestria,” There were a few gasps I could hear through the door, “but nevertheless, he has served our great nation well in his time here! He has reclaimed the Diadem of Sovereignty, built a diplomatic bridge with our neighbors to the north, the Gryphons of Gryphonia, exposed the dishonor of a former Prince on multiple occasions, saved the wedding and the life of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, assisted in saving the Crystal Kingdom, built more relations with the Guardians of the Forests, and has most recently fulfilled a mission of the utmost importance that cost him two years of his life. This stallion has done much good for the sake of Equestria and for the Princesses of Equestria personally, so it is much to my pleasure that I introduce to you: Prince Maximus!”

The doors in front of me opened, and before I started my walk down the navy blue carpet, I took a deep breath and corrected my posture, trying to appear confident and self-assured while feeling just about anything but. I could handle the pressure no problem, but as I walked I had to keep my eyes on Twilight to make sure that I didn’t falter a single step. I turned my gaze to Celestia when I was about halfway there and slowed my roll a little bit since I’d been getting a bit quick as I carried on. Keeping a cool head was key, and if there was ever a time for it, now was that time. Thankfully no one gave me a fucking song, though I did like the music that was playing. It was upbeat and rather tasteful, if I do say so myself

When I came to the Dais, I wasn’t really expecting much, but when Twilight came forth with a smile and a ring that matched the dark steel of my pocket watch, I realized that she’d probably had a lot to do with the design of the ring. It was awfully tasteful, all things said, but as I reached for it, Celestia stayed my hand and put it on my left index finger. I forgot that Princes of Equestria don’t get terribly visible signs of power in this country since Celestia’s a fucking sexist, but I dealt with it and allowed myself to be lead out of the room and onto a balcony so I could give my address to the plebeians. Celestia and Twilight took my right vanguard with Cadance and Luna on the left, so when I came straight up the middle and looked over the balcony at the crowd below, they were looking at five of the most powerful beings on the fucking planet.

I cleared my throat and felt Celestia cast a spell so my voice would be amplified. Wanting to get this over with, I started by saying, “Good afternoon, citizens of Equestria. First things first, when I came to Equestria, I had no idea what to make of this country, of its people. I knew that I was different from the beginning, and not just in appearance, but in spirit. Through my time in Equestria, I’ve learned that being different isn’t a bad thing, and I’ve come to accept Equestria as my home for now and forever. I would give my life for this country, and on multiple occasions, it has nearly come to that, but now, I am grateful for every step I take on this land. I’d like to thank all of you, every Pony, for helping to make this nation the shining beacon that it is. Thank you for making me feel welcome in a world that is not my own.”

There were cheers when I finished, but I held up a hand after a moment for silence and when the crowd calmed down, I continued. “I apologize for stopping a bit early, but I’ve heard that some ‘stallions’ have the same problem, so I’ll make this part short, sweet, and straight from the heart. I would like to thank Princess Celestia and Princess Luna for running this country on a day-to-day basis while also becoming my friends.” I looked at each of them in turn. “Their support has been invaluable from the beginning. I would also like to thank Princess Mi Amore Cadenza for not having me arrested for being a smartass when we first met.” I gave her a grin and she rolled her eyes, smiling. “And last but not least, I would like to thank Twilight Sparkle, my best friend and fiance, for staying by my side and staying true to me even when I practically disappeared for two years. There are more people I’d like to thank, but I think I’ll do it face to face, yeah?”

There were quite a few hoops and hollers through some of my speech, especially when I swore or cracked that joke about premature ejaculation. All in all, I think my speech went over pretty well and when Twilight hit me, I figured that I did pretty well on the joke aspect. Once I got through hugging the princesses and Shining snubbed me, I went around and hugged the girls and my family. I came back to Shining and asked to have a word with him, and when he just glared at me, Cadance answered for him and teleported us off to a random room. Shining tried to teleport out, but I just followed him by Shadow Diving, though I nearly ate a punch when I tapped him on the shoulder. We’d come back to Cadance’s side and the punch he’d thrown at me was noticed by all in attendance, so he was pretty much just painting himself as a prick at this point. Celestia put herself between us and asked what the problem was and I told her that I’d just been trying to talk to the guy, so she passed Shining a withering glare and asked if I’d shown any aggression toward him. He answered truthfully and said that I hadn't, so Celestia promised to mediate for us after we were done celebrating my princehood.

Our group and a fucktonne of nobles all went to the large Dining Hall that Celestia and Luna used for large gatherings and we had some meager meals that were probably expensive as fuck. The breadsticks were good and I got to sit next to Twilight, so that was nice. The six members of royalty all headed up the table and our closest friends and family joined us near the head, but while I was eating, I noticed that Night Light and Twilight Velvet were looking at me in turn. Velvet seemed a little unsure, but Night Light…

The first two weeks in Canterlot were going to suck.

I put that behind me and focused on enjoying my meal, but when you know for a fact that someone has it out for you and that they’ll have a chance to exact their plots, it’s hard to relax. Twilight noticed my discontent and held my hand under the table, though that did mean I was eating with my non dominant hand. Still, it helped distract me from my misery and it kept me grounded, though once or twice while I was trying to get back to ground-level, things started floating and I had to knock it off.

During lunch, I took the time to examine my ring and saw that it had the Cutie Mark of every Princess on it with Celestia and Luna’s on either side with Twilight and Cadance’s on the top and bottom around the stone. I looked at the stone itself and saw that my Seal was etched into the inside of the stone, and when I tried to pour some magic into it, the stone started to fill with smoke and turn from a mild green to a darker shade. When I drew with my finger, the lines were a bit less distinct than they were with the Warbling Blade, but still, I was pretty sure that it was a catalyst all the same. That being said, I really didn’t want to wear a ring if it wasn’t the one that showed I was married to Twilight, but since she had helped design it, I didn’t have all that many qualms about it.

Once lunch was over, my Ponyville people and the nobles fucked off so the Royalty could go to the meeting room that Celestia had dubbed the last time we’d gotten more than three of the Royal Family together. I don’t think Shining or Twilight had been there yet, so when we all had a seat, we got things started around the table. The ladies and Shining all had wine of varying types while I just had some bourbon. I like bourbon, but I’m not an alcoholic, okay? I would know if I started falling into old habits again, so fuck you for thinking less of me. If you weren’t, then please continue, but if you’re not someone I gave express permission to read this, I hope someone kills you slowly and painfully. Shit, I might kill you myself. Actually, if you’ve made it this far, I must be dead, so you should be in the clear, but if I’m not, then I’m still going to fucking kill you. Fuck you.

That aside, Celestia started off the conversation by saying, “Maximus, do I really need to tell you that swearing in an official speech is bad?”

I shrugged. “You don’t need to tell me, but I could probably use a reminder every now and again. I’ve been trying to cut back a bit lately, but you know how it goes when you get so used to a certain way of speaking.”

Cadance took over. “I think it shows that Max was just a normal pony, just like anypony else and that he might be vulgar from time to time, but that doesn’t mean normal ponies can’t do great things.”

Luna nodded. “Using the new vernacular was a smart move, even if it wasn’t intended. We already have royalty that rises above the citizens. I think it would be smart to have a pony of the ponies.”

“Except Max isn’t a Pony.” Shining pointed out sharply.

He earned glares for that, but I took up for him. “In Shining Arsehole's defense, he’s not wrong. I’m not a Pony. We’ve been through this already, but I think that having a member of the Royal Family that’s not a Pony might just give us a bit more diversity in the Pony lands. If Ponies see that other races aren’t dangerous-”

“Max, how many times do I have to tell you Ponies aren’t racist?” Twilight sighed.

“I agree with Twilight. Ponies are inherently trusting of others.” Shining said.

Luna and I just gave them a bored look before trading one between ourselves. “You wanna take this one, Lulu?”

“With pleasure. Ponies are racist. There are no doubts about that.” Luna said with finality.

“Princess Luna, not you too!” Twilight cried.

“Yes me too. A thousand years ago, there were far more races in Equestria than there are now.” Luna huffed.

Celestia nodded. “While it’s true that I started phasing out other races in Equestria, I’d like it to be known that I did so to better Equestrian society. Our people are happier for our relative isolation, and we treat our visitors well, so I don’t feel as though it’s an issue. I don’t want diversity in the Pony lands because I believe it will undermine the happiness I built through hundreds of years of work.”

Shining coughed “So why don’t we expand and conquer through kindness? I’m not saying we go and start laying down laws, but if we can start talking to world leaders about making their people nicer-”

“Mate, have you met Chrysalis or Elfriede?” I asked.

He glared at me. “You know for a fact I’ve met one of them.”

“Yeah, no shit. I’m saying both of them are fucking sadists. Elfriede is the only one we would ever have a hope of convincing, but even then, by having her preach smiles and sunshine, Gryphonia would fucking revolt against her and that’s a fact. Chrysalis could probably make all of her Changelings play nice, but Chrysalis herself is pretty much a beast on a leash-”

“Then why did you make peace with her!?” Shining yelled suddenly.

“Shining Armour.” Celestia said calmly, leveling a smooth glare at him.

When he sat back in his seat, I said, “I suggested we make peace with her because shapeshifters are better allies than enemies. I fucking hate that cunt myself, but she’s valuable when it comes to things like espionage, and I’m looking forward to seeing how well I can put her minions to use.” I paused. “If I’m given the chance, that is.”

Celestia tilted her head at me. “It sounds like you want to be a spymaster of sorts.”

I tilted my hand from side to side. “In a sense. When it comes to collecting info and using it to my advantage, I’ve been doing it for the better part of a decade and a good deal of my life. Being a spymaster would allow me to utilize a skill I already have, but mostly I want to train Changelings into perfect spies, though I’m sure Chrysalis already has a few.”

Twilight seemed a bit squeamish. “Max, that sounds really foreboding.”

I gave her a half smile, but Luna spoke before I could. “It’s a thought process such as Max’s that we need. His mind is well suited to the less pleasant sides of ruling. He would be well suited to working with you, and together, you could lighten each other’s loads.”

Twilight shook her head. “I-I don’t want to rule like that…”

Cadance sighed. “It’s inevitable, Twily.”

Shining stared at her. “What.”

Cadance gave him a sad look. “Shining Armour, I knew you wouldn’t like it, but-”

“Cadance, you can’t be serious!” He exclaimed.

She looked at the table and I spoke up. “Shining, it’s not her fault.”

He bore his teeth at me. “I should’ve known you would put her up to something so underhanded! I never did trust you-”

“Shining Armour, that is quite enough.” Luna growled.

“I don’t think it is! This- This- Monster-”

Celestia slammed a hand on the table, startling Cadance, Shining and Twilight. “Shining Armour, I advised Cadance to take spies under her wing. I personally handpicked your Operatives. Who are you really calling a monster? Myself or Maximus, because it sounds like you’re calling me a monster.”

Shining bitched up and shut up, so Twilight took over softly. “You said Operatives, not spies.”

Luna huffed. “They differ. Spies only gather information while Operatives actually get things done. That’s why Maximus was made into an Operative: more people can be spies than Operatives.”

“Oh…”

Celestia sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “You will have spies and Operatives whether you like it or not. That goes for both of you, Twilight, Shining. It’s better that you accept it than try to fight it because there isn’t a government on the face of Equus that safely functions without them.”

“Cadance… Why didn’t you tell me?” Shining asked quietly.

Cadance took a deep breath. “I didn’t tell you because I knew you wouldn’t be okay with it. You’re a stallion who’s always been a rule-follower and straight laced, which is a part of the reason I fell in love with you in the first place. It’s… I didn’t want to hide it from you, but how could I not? There are things we need spies and Operatives for, and I know you’re aware of the reasons why-”

“But I’m not, Cadance! Why can’t we just do things by the book?” He spread his hands and looked at her sadly.

“Because doing things by the book isn’t always the best way to get things done.” Cadance replied. “Do you remember when that Gryphon noble started raising a fuss about letting trains pass through to the Crystal Empire?”

“Of course I do! Supplies were delayed for weeks!”

Cadance gave him a sad look. “You know how he’s suddenly not a problem anymore?”

Shining blinked a few times. “H-He’s not dead, is he?”

“No! No he’s not!” Cadance said, recoiling. “We… I had an Operative follow him for a couple week until we gathered enough information to bury him under his own misdeeds. I blackmailed him so we wouldn’t have any of our people starve.”

Shining slumped in his seat. “...We could’ve-”

“We tried everything.”

Celestia sighed. “And that’s just one example of the uses of shady tactics. We are rulers, and that means that we do dark things from time to time. Max has shown that he can do dark things, but he still has morals that make him worthy of leading. It’s why I made him a noble in the first place.”

“That and the fact that we already kept him alive a few times. It would be in our best interest to follow up on our investment.” Luna said glibly.

“Gee, thanks Lulu. I’m feeling the love from here.” I snorted.

“You’re welcome. Now, moving on to more pressing matters. After your training in the Canterlot Barracks and training in the ways of Princehood with Celestia, you will be mine.” Luna gave me a toothy grin that scared me a bit.

Shining snapped out of his reverie to ask a question. “Wait, why is Max training in the Canterlot Barracks?”

“I need to get in shape.” I said simply. “If my techniques weren’t as ingrained into my body as they are, you would’ve won our fight hands down because of your physicality.”

He cocked his head at me. “That can’t be it.”

Twilight nodded. “That’s right. Something’s not adding up here.”

Celestia sighed. “There are secrets that we cannot share, not because we are unwilling to tell them to you, but because there is magic on your minds that will not allow us to get anywhere with the conversation. You will forget within moments of hearing our words.”

“...That’s a little far fetched, Celestia.” Twilight said after moment.

I copied Celestia’s sigh. “Remember how we were arguing earlier and you just spaced out and forgot what we were talking about?”

Twilight blushed. “I apologized for that!”

“Remember how I said it wasn’t even your fault.” I added blandly.

“...Are you really saying that somepony cast a spell on me that nopony here can lift?” Twilight asked, staggered.

“On yourself and Shining Armour.” Celestia amended.

“Why us specifically?” Shining asked.

“We don’t know why the spell is on you, but we do know why it’s on Twilight. It’s a part of a sick game that we must play our parts in. Another reason why Max has become a prince.” Luna said.

“Gosh…” Twilight said softly. “There’s even more on your plate than I thought, isn’t there?”

I got up and gave her a quick kiss. “It’ll be okay, cherry. That’s why I need to share the Everfree news anyway.”

“News of the Everfree? What about that wretched forest?” Cadance asked.

“I was talking to Noir and Pinkie Pie about my True Magic-” I started.

Everyone except Twilight groaned. “You all just don’t know Pinkie like I know Pinkie, okay?”

Celestia rubbed her temples. “No Max, it’s just that thinking of that Pink Menace makes my head hurt.”

Twilight seemed personally offended as I dragged my chair over to her. I noticed that chairs shifted around the table so everyone was paired up. Guess who was next to whom. “But Celestia, I thought you liked Pinkie?”

“I do Twilight, I really do, but that girl gives me nightmares with the amount of knowledge she has sometimes. Things from the future and the past that no Pony should know of.” Celestia rubbed her face.

Twilight was stunned. “Wait, so Max was right!? Pinkie really is a secret genius!?”

Celestia’s head whipped up and she looked around the room. “Twilight Sparkle, never mention the fact that you know to Pinkie. I beg of you.”

“Uh... Okay?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I don’t doubt that she already knows that you know now, but it’s really for the best of all of us if you don’t say anything. I like Pinkie, but she scares me.”

Twilight nodded slowly and Cadance spoke. “So what about your True Magic?”

“Pinkie and Noir think I need to go borderline insane to grasp it fully since that’s how I learned how to use pretty much all of my other powers. It’s solid reasoning if you let me explain it.” No one spoke, so I carried on. “Alright, so everyone should know at this point that magic doesn’t exist in my world, at least, to my knowledge. Our weather works by itself, the world turns on its own, there are no spirits in the forests, we don’t have talking animals, and no one can fly or use magic. People are stronger than others because they’re born that way or because they work at it-”

“Maximus, we understand that Earth and Equus are different. What is your point?” Luna asked somewhat tersely.

“I was getting to that. The point is that the laws of what’s possible are different from Earth to Equus. Things I think are straight up impossible are proven to be possible on a daily basis. Things like teleporting and making fire from thin air just don’t happen on Earth without there being a scientific reason for it-”

“Max, magic and science go hand in hand.” Twilight interrupted.

I rolled my eyes. “My point is that they don't on Earth. Those are my facts of life. Things you think are possible are different from the things I think are possible, but when I lose my grasp on reality, I start understanding bits and pieces of Equus’ laws. It takes time for me to get to that point and it takes certain stimulus. I used to be able to do it in my mindscape, but that’s just not going to work for my True Magic, so I need to go back to the place where I started losing my grip on what’s possible in the first place. Namely, the Old Castle.”

Celestia looked at me like I was fucking insane already. “Max, I’m sorry to say this, but are honestly telling us that you intend on going into the Everfree for who knows how long again? I’m sure we could find another way for you to learn how to use your True Magic if we just pooled our insight and tried to think of something.”

“I tried for a week straight with no rest and no breaks, Celestia. Nothing in the Everfree is going to bother me, and even if it does, I can either soothe it or straight up kill it. I know what I can or can’t eat, and I know I won’t be bothered, which will drive me insane. I wouldn’t suggest that I do this if I wasn’t confident that it was the only way. Plus, the thing that sent me back to Earth and gave me my True Magic in the first place kinda told me that I’m on the right track.”

“...You mean the All-Powerful being that sent you away for two years said you were doing something right? Maximus, do you realize how stupid it sounds to trust that thing?”

“I’m well aware, but if you recall, me being gone for so long was a punishment for avoiding my fate in the first place. God hasn’t steered me wrong and has done a lot more helping than hurting, Celestia.” I pointed out. “God’s the reason I’m on Equus in the first place.”

She shook her head and her hands went back to her temples, so Luna took over. “It sounds reasonable enough to me, as much as I don’t like agreeing with the Pink Menace. However, I think I may drive you to the brink sooner than you might think.”

Twilight choked. “Luna, please don’t abuse my fiance. It would mean a lot to me.”

She shrugged. “Find another request. Maximus will be broken and reshaped when I am finished with him.”

“Oh dear Celestia.” Twilight murmured.

I wrapped an arm around her, earning me a black look from Shining. “Cherry, except for you, my life kinda sucks and it’s gonna keep on suckin’. Hell, you suck too, but I like the way-” Twilight walloped my chest, making me lose my breath.

“You can stop right there.” She said, blushing.

Cadance coughed. “So why don’t we take a vote? We have a month before Max can even go to the Everfree, so we’ll take a vote now and we’ll take a vote then. All in favor of Max going into the Everfree?”

Luna and Shining raised their hands, but I asked, “Does it count if I think I have to go but don’t really want to go?” Cadance nodded, so I raised my hand.

“Alright. All opposed?” She, Celestia, and Twilight raised their hands.

“So we are at an impasse.” Luna said calmly. “Shining Armour, why do you think Max should go into the Everfree?”

Shining gathered his thoughts. “If what he says is correct, then he doesn’t have much of a choice, though I’d like to know why he thinks he has to do it as soon as possible.” That and you want me gone, you spiteful fuck.

I nodded. “Fair enough. We need me to get my True Magic so we have a defense against the guy who cast the spell on you and Twilight. Celestia and Luna aren’t powerful enough to take him by themselves, Cadance’s magic wouldn’t have an effect on him, Twilight’s out of the running, and without my True Magic, nothing I have could do anything against him. He’s actually beaten me multiple times and wiped my memory.”

“...That’s terrifying.” Shining said softly.

“Now you see why we need me at top form. If we can get our shit together, then the coast will be looking a lot less shittiful.” I pinched my nose to ward off the headache that was building.

“So what do we do in the meantime?” Shining asked. “It sounds like this guy can do whatever he wants, so why isn’t he doing it?”

“He is and we need to stop him before he feels like getting serious.” Celestia said gravely.

Twilight grabbed my hand and I held it firmly. There was a long silence around the table until Twilight spoke up. “So our hopes are basically all on Max’s shoulders, aren’t they?”

There were a few murmurs of affirmation and she sighed before looking at me. “...It’s not that everypony thinks you’re the best one for the job, it’s that you’re the only one.”

I gave her a sad smile. “I didn’t want to worry you.”

She laid her head on my shoulder and I laid my cheek on her head. I noticed the Shining and Cadance were doing something similar and that Celestia and Luna were totally imagining us all fucking in one delicious, possibly incestuous orgy like the sick, kinky sluts they are. I decided that I’d had enough of all this moping around, so I started in with a new topic.

“So speaking of things, where can Twilight and I have our wedding?” I asked no one in particular.

Cadance perked up. “You’re welcome to have it in the Crystal Empire, if you want.”

Celestia cracked a smile, knowing exactly what I was doing. “I would like to argue that Canterlot would be a better choice. We’ve already held one Royal Wedding: why not another?”

Luna groaned. “Nooo, make Cadance do the preparations this time!”

“What are you talking about? Cadance is going to make me set up the security and all that stuff all over again!” Shining complained.

Cadance whacked Shining’s chest. “I would not! It sounds like you don’t want to host your own sister’s wedding!”

“The last three have been absolute nightmares!” He protested.

“How do you think it’s been in Canterlot?” Luna argued. “We’ve hosted five since yours in some of the smaller venues and they were simply awful to organize!”

“They were not! You just don’t like weddings because you’d rather be punching our subjects and whipping them into soldiers than actually planning them!” Celestia said haughtily.

“Sister, I assure you that your words are one hundred percent true.” Luna huffed.

Cadance chuckled. “Since Luna’s so opposed to the idea, does that mean we can have it?”

Celestia sent a mock glare her way. “Not a chance! Twilight was my student after all.”

“And she’s my sister-in-law!” Cadance said firmly.

“She’s my fiance and I’m fucking lucky because of it.” I grinned.

Twilight blushed and patted my arm. “Flattery isn’t going to make up for the fact that you yelled at me earlier.”

“Would a favour do the trick?” I asked cheekily.

She hit me and Shining gagged. “Can you not talk about doing illicit things with my sister in front of me!?”

“I could talk about doing illicit things with you, big boy.” I winked at him. “I think three quarters of the ‘mares’ in this room would be fine with watching.”

Shining lit up bright red, but before he could sputter out a response, Cadance said, “I’d be fine with sharing you with Max for a night as long as I got to watch.”

Celestia nodded her agreement and Luna said, “I’ll admit that I’ve been curious about how Maximus’ rod would fit into that tight little ass of yours.”

“LALALA NOT LISTENING” Twilight said loudly, covering her ears and blushing furiously

Those of us who weren’t Shining and Twilight laughed our arses off while the brother-sister combo tried to stop being beet red. After that, we were forbidden from making anymore jokes about me fucking Shining unless I was planning on following through. My fiance objected to that heavily and said that if I wasn’t going to have sex with her as a man, then I wasn’t allowed to have sex with her brother. I offered to change into a female and dominate Shining with Cadance one day. That got me hit, but it was worth it.

Things of a sexual nature aside, Cadance and Shining teamed up to teleport home once we were done with the big part of our conversation, and once they left, Twilight and I were allowed to leave as well. She refused to teleport me since I’d been mean, so I asked Celestia to do it and she did since she still didn’t know that I could Shadow Dive. Once I found that Twilight was in my house waiting for me, I grabbed my pipe, my journal, and some pajamas before we headed over to her house. It was a pleasant walk, though I had to apologize for practically threatening to fuck her brother before she would actually say anything to me.

Once we got home, I started writing in my journal since I hadn't done it the day before and Twilight said that she was going to start one of her own, so I put a Seal with ‘Those Allowed’ magicked into it on her book and we started writing together. Twilight said she was going to start her book from the moment I disappeared and would let me try and read it when she was done. Her penmanship still needs work, but at least it’s fucking legible now.

We wrote for a good while and Twilight said that pens from my world were ‘The bee’s knees’, so I called her old as fuck and had a giggle about that. We took breaks from writing to touch each other from time to time or just so I could hold her for a little bit. A lot had been dropped on Twilight’s mind today and I couldn’t blame her for seeking some comfort in my arms and I was happy to give it to her since holding her gave me some as well. Honestly? Today rather sucked, but I still got to hold Twilight and tell her I love her, so I can’t say it was a terrible or particularly awful one, though it only now strikes me that I didn't have a chance to talk to Shining.

As I’m writing this, I can’t help but glance at my ring from time to time. I feel like it does something other than act as a catalyst, but I just don’t know what that is. Maybe it helps me look like a real noble or something? The rock in it sure as Hell looks like something a noble would present proudly. Either way, I don’t want it. I don’t want to wear it and I don’t want to feel it, but it’s fucking there to stay, no matter what I want…

Fucking Christ, I don’t want to be a Prince.

Author's Note

Another Chapter, another fucking fuckery dickton of words. I like writing words.

So Max finally got his Princehood and he's probably the least happy about it. In fairness, it's because life is going to get suck quick. Real suck, real quick.

I need to stop using so many fucking italics. They're a pain in the ass when there are multiple in a paragraph. I'm not going to, but still.

As Always, Stay Cool, Kids.

Chapter Forty-Three: "Preferential Treatment"
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Forty-Three: "Preferential Treatment"

Chapter Forty-Three: “Preferential” Treatment

The day I got to spend with Twilight before going off to the Canterlot Barracks was a great one. I made a massive breakfast, went to Canterlot for lunch, and we cuddled in between pretty much every little thing we did that day. I didn’t bother to do any writing until Twilight said that she wanted to read A Star-Crossed Love like no other, so I picked that up for a little while and did a few chapters while Twilight continued writing in her journal. I didn’t even bother writing that day down because I remember it so well. You know those times where you’re just so certain that you’ll never forget a single moment? Well, in my case and in Twilight’s, we probably won’t, all things told. Things might fade in a hundred or so years, but I’m sure we’ll have many more happy memories to reminisce on besides a day where we barely did a damned thing. Actually, there are multiple days like that. Huh. Go figure. In any case, time spent with Twilight is time well spent, though when our friends came to her house to show their faces before I left for training, that was nice too.

That aside, my day of rest was wonderful and I enjoyed every moment of it, and the morning of my day of departure, Twilight and I spent a good fifteen minutes on kissing each other goodbye. I was almost late getting to my train, but then again, I could have just Shadow Dived to Canterlot anyway or have Twilight teleport me to the training grounds since she knows where they are. Either way, I made my train right on time and found that there were a few other young men and women with bulging sacks next to them, most likely heading to the same destination as me. I figured it would be pertinent to start making friends, so I started talking to a few of them. A woman named Iron Hoof was a little uptight about me cracking jokes, but once I landed a few good ones, she lightened up and I started drawing other recruits into the conversation. There was a Unicorn named Shaggy Scoob who looked like he smoked copious amounts of dope, and when I made jokes about him intaking more weed than a gardener, he laughed and said that his uncle, Mountain Mix, had introduced him to marijuana when he became an adult and now he loved to study its medicinal effects. I mentioned that I knew Mountain Mix and that we’d smoked together at a Canterlot party and the group I’d built up were fucking stunned that I’d been invited to go to one.

I had to tell them (because they were asking, not because I really wanted to) that I’d been a Baron when I was invited to that party and I’d beaten up the former prince Blueballs while I was there. An Earth Pony named Stalwart asked me why I’d punched his face in and I told him that I’d had some bad blood with the prick in the first place and had fought him in the past, but that particular time had been caused by him having his silly slaws pour drinks on my piece of perfection. They asked who that was for me and told them that her name was Twilight and left it at that until a mare named Brilliant Day asked if I meant the Twilight Sparkle. I had to answer with an affirmative because I wasn't trying to lie or anything and they all scoffed, calling me a spinner of tall tales. Well, Shaggy Scoob believed me because I’d mentioned his uncle and had described him perfectly, but the other three in the conversation were skeptical at best. They said that if I was Twilight Sparkle’s special some’pony’, then I had to be the latest Prince of Equestria, so I just pursed my lips and held up the hand with the ring on it. Before they could all get down and kneel, I told them to knock it off and not make a scene or some shit so I could enjoy the last hour before we went through training Hell.

Stalwart asked why I was even going to Guard Training (a.k.a Boot Camp as most people call it) and I told them that I needed to be in better condition if I was going to represent Equestria and be an Ambassador of any kind. From there, they just asked questions about my life and what it was like, so I told them a few stories about my adventures and explained to them that I’d come from rock bottom, being a thief to feed myself and survive, and climbed my way to the top by being a pretty decent guy that was willing to do some pretty indecent things. I was, of course, asked what some of those indecent things were and I just told them that it was Operative business and they asked how the Hell I’d managed to become an Operative, which required even tougher training than becoming a guard. I explained that I’d basically just done a favor for Luna in the way of ‘stealing’ something for her and that I’d just gone from there. I was a sneaki-breeki and that was the way I described myself. I was proud of the chuckles I earned from saying nonsense.

Our merry little band of four hopefuls and one tentative sucker went along, travelling through the streets of Canterlot until we came to the Castle Gates. The Guards let Stalwart, Iron Hoof, Brilliant Day, and Shaggy Scoob in without any fuss, but when I went to enter, they dropped their fucking spears and I asked them why they were holding me up before I laid the fuck into them. Apparently they didn’t believe that I was here to become a guard, so I cursed them down like a pair of dogs before I realized that I could just flash them my ring, so I did and they raised their spears.

Have I ever mentioned that Day Guards are fucking pricks? Racist pricks at that.

That little kerfuffle aside, I joined my new friends and we went to the Barracks before being directed to the Training Grounds. We’d gotten out shit put up, and I was surprised to find that Stalwart and I were slated to be bunkmates. I was pretty sure that it was because we arrived at the same time because Shaggy was the next one over. They divided the bunks between sexes, so Day and Iron were in a different building. It wasn’t exactly a surprise, but we did all agree to meet up in the Mess Hall so we could eat together once we were done with the first day of training.

When we got out onto the dusty field, we joined about twenty or so more recruits in standing around until we could be addressed, and when our three superiors arrived, I told my group to separate ourselves from those who were talking and shut the fuck up. After being lead around the premises and brought back, Night Light, a tough looking woman, and a grizzled older fellow with plenty of greys who I remembered as Dirge stood in front of the main group while my group stood up straight with our hands to our side and stared straight ahead.

“Hey maggots!” Night Light bellowed.

“Line up five by five!” The woman who I assumed was Shoulder Boulder followed up.

My group were in the front and I could hear people shuffling behind us. We were about two arm lengths apart, and as Night Light and Boulder travelled through the ranks, they stared down people as they passed. Boulder came up to me and I didn’t look at her, so when she jammed a finger into my chest, I was expecting her to start shit with me right off the bat.

“You! What’s your name?” She asked rather loudly.

“Sir! My name is Maximus, Sir!” I responded.

I could see the top of her head nod slightly. “So you’re our little princeling? Do you expect us to go easy on you because you’re a prince now, shit licker?”

“Sir no sir!”

“Well then what do you expect!?” She bellowed in my face.

“Sir! I expect to be trained as a guard, Sir!”

“Are you getting smart with me, colt?” She seethed.

“Sir no sir!”

Night Light trod over and started in. “Drop and give me thirty!”

I didn’t waste any time since I knew giving him a reason to torture me further would only make my life suck more, so I dropped and gave him thirty, calling out each push-up as I came back up until I hit thirty. I didn’t get up because I wasn't told to, which turned out to be the wrong move because Night Light’s hoof came down on my back none too gently and started pushing me down until I was on the dirt.

“Did I tell you to stop!?” He shouted.

“Sir no sir!”

“Then keep going!”

I immediately pushed myself up under the weight of his hoof, but this was nothing compared to Twilight sitting on me while I did them. I did thirty more and my arms were shaking a little, but I’d pumped out eighty before and had been fine. Seriously, my morning routine was a little intense. Once I’d gotten the next thirty out, Night Light forced me back down into the dirt and I stayed there for a little bit.

“The rest of you! Since our little Prince here thinks he can just lay down and rest, you’re all going to drop and give me twenty!” Night Light shouted. I didn’t think that was very fair since he’d literally forced me back down onto the ground, but then again, when I tried pushing myself back up to make his word false, he straight up hopped onto my shoulders and balanced there.

Now, it’s not like Night Light was particularly heavy, but he was a lot heavier than his daughter and he was doing a pretty shit job with his hard shoes. My shoulders were aching by the time I heard the rest of the recruits rise. The prick stood on top of me and started giving out more orders.

“Alright! Everypony take a lap around the grounds, and if our little Prince hasn’t given up by the time every last one of you comes back, then you’ll only have to do twenty more push-ups! If he fails, then it’s forty!”

Everyone stood around for a moment, but my group took off right after hearing that, so I was grateful that they got the fucking point. I couldn’t hold Night Light’s weight that long, even with my arms locked into position and after a minute of being under his weight, he barked at me and told me to hold the position with my elbows bent. He turned around and I’m sure he stared at the back of my head while he spoke.

“Do you really think you can just disappear for two years and think nopony is going to miss you?” He hissed.

“Sir no sir.” I gasped.

“Exactly. You didn’t write, you didn’t let a single soul know you were alive and you kept my daughter waiting for you. These two weeks are going to be Tartarus for you, colt, and I have free reign to make it even worse for you.”

I heard Shoulder Boulder come over and she started whispering to Night Light, but he stopped her short and told her that I could hear everything she was going to say, so it had to be saved for a later date. I was struggling to stay firm, but as I heard the first couple of people start coming back, I couldn’t help but feel a bit relieved. That feeling of relief didn’t last long because when I looked up, there was someone fucking walking back. My arms gave out long before they arrived, and when they got back, I could hear hearts hammering in anger because of them. I’d gone full mind over matter and held out as long as I could, but holding a push-up for damn near ten minutes under a grown man’s weight was fucking impossible for me as I was now and I vowed to make that guy’s life suck as much as I could, because fucking seriously! What kind of Pony can’t run?

Night Light barked at me to get on my feet and take two laps around the Training Grounds while everyone else was doing their forty push-ups, and if I didn’t have them done by the time the last person was done with theirs, then I was going to have to run two more. The Training grounds were fucking huge. I swear, two laps could easily make a mile, and if he made me do four, then that was going to be fucking ludicrous. Still, I got up and beat feet, trying to set a good pace and keep my breathing as well as I possibly could so I wouldn’t end up like the prick that had made me suffer. I did my best and completed my two laps, but by the time I got back, the other trainees were all gone off to go see how the obstacle course was supposed to work. Shoulder Boulder told me that they were waiting on me and ordered me to take my extra laps, double time, so I did just that.

By the time I was finished with those, I had a stitch in my side so bad I could barely breathe and shit just wasn't looking up for me. Shoulder Boulder met me back at the place we’d done push-ups and started up a quick little conversation.

“Alright princeling, what the hay did you do to make Night Light hate you?” She asked as we jogged over to the obstacle course.

I could barely speak over my own breathing. “Sir...Went away… Two years… Operative mission… Deep cover… couldn’t… contact his... daughter…Sir” I heaved.

She nodded and stopped me. “Alright. I’ll talk to him about letting me dictate what goes on with you. I’m not going to go easy on you, but Night Light’s going harder on you than I’ve ever seen him do with a recruit, and if I’m right, then you can’t be running like a Pony all day. Catch your breath, maggot.”

I nodded and threw my arms over my head, closing my eyes and leveling out my breathing. I practically meditated for a few seconds which was enough to get my healing factor to kick in passively, so I was ready to go. “Alright sir. I can breathe, I can fight. Sir.”

Boulder nodded. “Let’s go.”

We picked up and jogged a bit more quickly toward the obstacle course to make up for the time we’d lost and Boulder gave me a quick rundown of what we’d be doing. The first part would be some good old fashioned monkey bars over a pit of mud, then we would have to get down on our bellies and crawl through some mud anyways. After that, we would rise and climb a wall that seemed easy enough, drop down the other side, high step through some hoops, vault over a high bar, crawl on a rope while upside down, and then climb up a cargo net. That would be the end of the rough stuff, but I was sure that coming down the other side via rope would be harder for the Ponies than it would be for me.

Night Light tried to single me out, but while he was in the middle of belittling me, Boulder told Stalwart to go first since he’d been the first one to complete his lap. Iron Hoof would follow since she’d had the second fastest lap time overall, and so on and so forth. I would be seventh due to my time, though I was surprised that I was in the top ten in the first place. I guess all the anaerobic exercise I’d done and my willingness to go past my limits had done me a few favours after all.

My father-in-law was glaring daggers at Shoulder Boulder while the trainees got started, and when my turn came up, I got to stepping before anything else could happen. I’d never been good with monkey bars, but Noir had made me do some and get the trick of keeping my momentum going down pat, so they didn’t pose too much of a challenge. My hands still hurt a little bit after them, however, but crawling through the mud was easy as shit since I didn’t mind getting dirty at all. Climbing the wall was easy as fuck and I didn’t even need to use the rope because the gaps between the boards were large enough for me to fit my my feet into, let alone my hands, so I scaled that rather quickly and caught up to the guy in front of me because I’d been so fast in doing it.

I jogged in place to keep up my blood flow when he cleared the hoops, I went through, but they were easy enough since they were made for Ponies anyway, meaning that my extra height and ability to stand on my toes allowed me to get through those more quickly than the fellow preceding me. The guy before me fell on the bar thing, but I cleared it easily since I liked to vault things in my everyday life anyways. Hell, in recent enough memory, I’m pretty sure I leapt over the counter at Sugarcube Corner and Blue’s counter when I came back home. The rope bit was a little tricky, but I took it hand over hand like a pro, just as Noir had shown me, though my arms were feeling a bit like jelly at this point. Still, I persevered through my body telling me to take a breather and told my muscles to shut the fuck up if they weren’t going to say anything productive.

The next part was the cargo net, which was again easier for me than it was for the Ponies. I had more surface area to work with since I had feet, though the cargo net was a bit thicker than I would have suspected in the first place. I thought that it was probably a direct result of Ponies not having much to work with on the foot front, so I had to take my time and be careful not to pass my fellow trainee, just in case I got us both in trouble. The guy saw me behind him and tried to rush, but when he fumbled and nearly fell, I grabbed ahold of him and kept us both on track until he could get his bearings, though that sapped the rest of the strength in my arms. Once he got all the way up, I came up right behind him and watched as he climbed down the rope instead of rapelling like I’d planned to do. Noir had forced me to try a cliff without any safety harness or gloves while in my mind, so I knew what the fuck I was doing. Shit, she’d make me do it multiple times, and every time I’d failed, I just got a little bit better at it, so this six meter wall wasn’t looking too daunting.

I made my way down easily enough, bouncing off of the wall like a tree frog or some shit before grabbing the rope and hitting the wall. The trick is to keep your feet in front of you and have your knees relaxed, which is a lot fucking harder than it sounds like, but once you have it down, it’s like riding a bike. I made it to the end and the grizzled old man from earlier came up to me, so I stood at attention, though I didn’t salute because no one had ever told me to.

“You, soldier. Who taught you how to rappel?” He asked gruffly.

“Sir! My mentor, a woman named Noir taught me how, sir!” I replied.

“Hmm. For future reference, salute when you speak to me.” He said. Well that answered that.

“Yes, Captain!” I saluted.

“At ease.” I dropped the salute and stood with my feet shoulder width apart. “Expect to be worked harder than anypony else here, Maximus. As a Prince of Equestria, you are expected to be one of the, if not the, best of the best.”

“Sir yes sir!” I nodded sharply.

“When your time in the Mess Hall is over, you are to report to my office. We’ll talk more in depth there.”

“Sir yes sir!”

Dirge nodded and walked back to the obstacle course, so I found Stalwart and talked to him for a moment. “Oi, mate, what’d you think of it?”

Stalwart shrugged. “We’re doing it again. I guarantee you that.”

“Of fucking course we are. Night Light is going to try and pin it on me, watch.”

He shook his head. “Man, I didn’t know people hated Princes that badly. Did you do something to him or what?”

“I’m engaged to his daughter.” I sighed, scraping rapidly drying mud off of my face.

“Oh. You’re screwed, dude.”

“No shit. Boulder already had a word with me about getting him to treat me fairly, but I don’t think she’s going to be able to pull through.”

“You never know. I’ve heard Boulder’s one of the toughest mares in the country.” Stalwart shrugged. “So far, it seems like she’s got the steel in her spine to say no to Night Light.”

We ended our conversation there since we weren’t really supposed to be talking in the first place and watched as more than half of the people coming down the rope wall fell flat on their arses. No one chuckled or laughed, and I noticed that there were quite a few people with mud on their backs anyway. Mine was clean since I hadn't fallen at any point during the course, but I was sure that after a few more goes around the course, I’d be just as dirty as anyone else. When the last fellow fell down the rope wall, Night Light, Shoulder Boulder, and a few other Day Guards that had been monitoring what was going on. A representative from the guards talked to Night Light and Boulder for a moment before moving on to stand around the group of trainees with the rest of them.

“Alright maggots!” Night Light started. “Some of you seemed to think the course was too easy, didn’t you? Some of you thought you could get away with doing things the wrong way, didn’t you!? Maximus, Stalwart, and Moon Walk, get your flanks to the front of the group!”

Stalwart and I jogged around the group since we were near the back and the woman I assumed was Moon Walk came to the front as well. “Our little princeling thinks that you can can just climb the vertical wall however you want! That’s two laps around the grounds for all of you!” Night Light looked around for a moment. “Stalwart! You skipped multiple hoops during the high step section, and Moon Walk did the exact same bucking thing! That’s another lap for each of you! Once you finish with those, report back to the Gathering Ground for further instruction!”

There were a few groans from the unwise people in the group that were immediately picked up by Night Light who ordered another lap for those who wanted to whine and complain. This time, I’d had a little time to rest, so I wasn’t terribly upset about all of the news, so when my group of people that had been on the train with me came up, we jogged together and Iron Hoof set the pace since she seemed a bit like a natural leader. I followed behind because I wasn’t here to learn how to lead, but when we got to the starting line of the track, I was sure that Night Light picked out my four compatriots as being friends of mine. After the first of three laps (four for Stalwart), he singled my little group out and said that we l had an extra lap for no real reason, though he said it was because we were being ‘slow’. I thought that was some bullshit, but I held my tongue and we continued on, and when the main group finished with our laps, I was fucking dying because I’d been sweating so fucking hard. Things were starting to get hazy, but I told the group that we’d finish Stalwart’s last lap with him since I wanted to breed that team cohesion. I ended up puking halfway through the lap, but I kept things moving because fuck being some pussy ass bitch.

When my group and I finished with Moon Walk, Night Light wasn’t very happy with me. He and Boulder marched up to us and he started shouting immediately. “Did I tell you four to run with Stalwart and Moon Walk!? Did I say that this was a team exercise, maggots!?”

“Sir no sir!” We answered in unison. Wearily, but in unison.

“Then who’s bright idea was it!?”

I raised my hand. “Sir! It was my idea!”

“Then you’ve got three more laps! The rest of you have two more, and don’t let me see you slacking or you’ll be running until morning!”

“Sir yes sir!” We answered, heading off to complete the laps. As we were running, I heard Boulder ask Night Light why she was punishing us for showing teamwork and unity and he told her to shut her trap, which sparked some heated words, but I was soon too far away to hear what they were saying.

The running was taking its toll on me, and I threw up again after the first lap, but I kept going, despite my body telling me that I rather needed another break. My group didn’t break ranks, however, and as we were running, Stalwart told me that he would run with me, no matter what. Iron Hoof agreed, and so did Shaggy, but Day asked why they were practically begging for more laps. I told her through a series of laboured breaths that we needed to stick together and show some solidarity, even if Night Light was being a massive prick. I mentioned to them that Boulder had liked the unity we’d shown and that Equestria was held together through the unity of the Ponies, so it made sense for us to stick together. Stalwart and Iron Hoof agreed wholeheartedly and we tried to keep each other talking through our laps so they would pass faster, and when I got my second wind, things got a lot better as far as the conversation.

When we got to my third lap, Shaggy and Moon Walk were feeling just as ragged as I had been and Day didn’t look like she could bear too much more herself. I was barely slogging along at that point, and our two front runners, Iron Hoof and Stalwart were tired themselves. When we got back to the starting line, Boulder was waiting for us along with Dirge.

“You six. Only one of you was told to run three laps.” Dirge stated gruffly.

We all stood at attention to the best of our abilities, though Iron Hoof was the only one who could get more than half a sentence out at a time. “Sir! Maximus said that we should run Stalwart’s extra lap with him and we all agreed that we would stay as a team, sir!”

Dirge lifted a brow. “And what made you run Maximus’ extra lap after you were reprimanded for running Stalwart’s?”

Stalwart saluted and took over. “Sir! Equestria is built on unity! Working together and not leaving a stallion behind is the way of The Guard, sir!”

The Guard Captain nodded. “True. I think you six deserve a break. The rest of the recruits are in the Mess Hall, so go and join them. Be sure to drink enough to replace what you’ve lost.” We waited for his word to go. “Dismissed.”

We saluted one more time and started lightly jogging off toward the Mess Hall though we were keeping it barely above a walk. Shaggy, Moon Walk, and I were worn out, so Iron, Stalwart, Day were keeping pace easily, letting me lead since I was the worst off out of all of us. I dug a little deeper and made myself pick it up a bit so we could get a proper break in, though Stalwart told me that I needed to take it easy for a little bit. I ignored him for the most part, but we didn’t have terribly far to go anyway so I was free to do whatever the fuck I wanted.

When we got to the Mess Hall, I let everyone in my group go before me and stated that I wanted to catch my breath and get some feeling back into my arms. Once we were served our hearty stew and bread, our little band grabbed a table and I started voicing some of my opinions.

“So you guys get the whole unity thing, right?” I asked.

There were nods, so I continued after swallowing some bread. “The thing is, Night Light is going to keep coming after me, one way or another. I appreciate you guys sticking with me, but our heads are going to roll if he has anything to say about it, so-”

“Your Highness-” Iron Hoof started.

I cut her off. “Oi! It’s Max while we still in training, and preferably after training too. I don’t want to be a fucking Prince any more than I want to be Night Light’s number one target.”

She gave me a look. “I’m not just calling you ‘Max’, but anyways, if our heads are going to roll, then they’ll roll together. You said it yourself: we get the unity thing. If we don’t stick together and look out for each other, then we’re not going to be decent guards anyway, so what’s the point of doing any of this if we don’t do it together?”

Moon Walk nodded her assent. “That’s right! You might be getting singled out, but I think it takes heart to put up with the crap you’ve been putting up with. Keep in mind that I was eighth in rotation for the training course, Princey: I saw you help that stallion when he was about to fall. You could’ve just let him go, and I know I saw you struggling to hold on. You’re a guy worth listening to.”

Shaggy chuckled. “It doesn't hurt that you’re just a good guy all ‘round. I mean, you built a group of ponies by telling jokes and stories when I think we were all nervous about training for the guard. You’re one heck of a guy.”

I lightly punched his shoulder. “Gee guys, next thing you know I’ll be the star of the Guard Gangbang going on later.”

Shaggy, Stalwart and Moon snorted while Iron Hoof and Brilliant Day just gave me womanly looks. “Really? I thought royalty was supposed to be proper or something!” Day complained.

“Oi! I’ve only been a Prince for like, two days, and I’m totally not counting today.” I chuckled, dipping my bread into my stew.

I felt someone tap my shoulder and Iron, Moon, and Stalwart looked at whoever was behind me, so I turned around. It was some random dude with a whippy-dip looking haircut that reminded me an awful lot of Blueballs, but with brown hair and a less handsome face.

I jerked my chin upward. “Wotcher. Can I help you, mate?”

He extended a hand. “My name’s Bronze Stud, and you’re the new Prince.”

I shook his hand out of courtesy, already sensing a sycophant within him. “That I am, but I’m just another recruit while I’m here. Please keep that in mind.”

He chuckled which pissed me off a bit. “Apparently you’re not a Prince to Night Light. The guy really has it out for you and everypony else is suffering for it.”

I shrugged. “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do about it. You realize what he’s doing, right? He’s trying to make everyone hate me.”

Bronze rolled his eyes. “I’ve been spreading those exact words around. I don’t like ponies who abuse their power.” Someone’s less shit than I thought.

I raised my brows. “Thanks, Bronze. That’s a pretty nice thing to do.”

He nodded. “No problem, I just want to ask one little thing of you in return.”

No bad feeling. Huh. “Depends on what you want.”

“I just want to know why Night Light hates you so much.”

“Oh. It’s because I’m dating his daughter and I dropped off of the face of Equus for two years for a mission. I couldn’t contact her and she remained faithful to me while I was gone, and that involved a lot of heartache for her. He’s trying to pay back that emotional pain with physical pain.” I said casually.

Bronze looked awfully surprised. “Wait, you’re dating the Twilight Sparkle?”

I bobbed my head back and forth. “Sorta kinda. I proposed, so we’re engaged now. No, I didn’t become a Prince just because I did that.” I added.

Bronze shut up for a little bit before speaking again. “...Wow. No offense, Your Highness-”

“It’s Max, mate.”

“Max then. No offense, Max, but your life sounds kinda weird.” Bronze gave me a crooked grin.

I returned it. “That’s because it is. You’re welcome to have a seat if you want. There’s two more spots and neither of them are about to be filled.”

“Thanks, but I’ve got a few friends of my own I’d like to get back to. Maybe we’ll get our groups together and run tomorrow?” He was obviously waiting for my say so.

“Solidarity never hurts when it comes to the Guard. Let’s say we meet up early and have a little catch up session, yeah?” I offered.

He beamed. “Sounds like a plan to me. It was nice to talk to you. Your Highness.” He added smugly.

I gave him a mock glare. “Now what did I just tell you?”

He raised his hands. “Don’t have me arrested or anything, okay?”

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. You’ll have to tell me what kind of food they serve in the dungeons when you get out.” I gave him a lopsided smile.

Bronze shook his head and wandered off back to his own group, so I turned back to my comrades and crammed my meal into my mouth, shocking the fuck out of them with how quickly I could do so. Once I was finished with that, I asked, “So what do you all make of Bronze?”

Stalwart answered first. “I thought he was just here to suck up for a little bit, but he seems like a really genuine guy.”

Iron shook her head. “Bronze and I used to go to the same school. He was one of the more popular kids, but that was because he was well known for being a good guy. If you need something and he has it, he’ll give it to you, though he’ll ask for something small in return.”

I nodded and looked to Shaggy who shrugged. “I thought he was cool.”

Moon Walk spoke up next. “I think he was third or fourth in the obstacle lineup. He’s got the makings of a good guard.”

Brilliant Day shook her head. “I think he really was just sucking up. If Iron’s vouching for him, then I guess he’s cool, but I’d watch your back around him.”

I nodded. “Trust me, if he wasn’t being honest during that conversation or had some hidden motives, I would know. People like him make good allies.”

“No offense, Max, but some ponies are really good at hiding their true intentions.” Day said skeptically.

I raised a brow at her. “While I like that caution, I feel like I need to tell you that it’s damn near impossible to lie to me. The only people that have better track records in dealing with liars than me are four Princesses that have lie detecting spells, and even then I subvert them on a regular basis.”

Stalwart laughed. “So you know liars because you’re a good one?”

“I used to be. I tend to tell the truth these days since it’s just easier, but I’m still a better liar than any Pony.”

“Don’t you mean ‘anypony’? You emphasized the wrong part.” Brilliance pointed out.

I gave her a look. “Love, do I look like a Pony to you?”

Shaggy and Stalwart chuckled. “He’s got you there, B-Day.” Stalwart smiled at her.

She hit him and blushed. “Shut up, meathead!”

Iron sighed. “I swear, if you two sneak out in the middle of the night, don’t expect me to cover for you.”

I raised a hand quickly. “I will. I’m all for some dirty fun under the moonlight.”

Shaggy burst out laughing and Moon Walk smiled, shaking her head. Stalwart shot me a grin and Day flipped me off, though Iron just gave me another womanly look. “Are you sure you’re a Prince?”

I looked at my ring and tried to take it off, but that shit didn’t budge, just like it hadn't the day before. “Well, unless this enchanted ring is here to stop me from touching myself, I suppose I might be.”

Shaggy fucking died and after that, we all grabbed our shit so we could take it to the place where you drop off your plates. I don’t know what the fuck it’s called, so don’t bother me about it, though I’m naming it the Plate Return for now. My group and I hung out in the Mess Hall for a few more minutes so we could talk and trade more stories, though I kept my mouth shut and encouraged Shaggy and Moon to speak up more since they were awfully quiet. From what I could tell, I had their characters figured out pretty well, but I’ll get to that in a bit.

I cut my time in the Mess Hall a little short so I could go see what Dirge wanted from me, though I had to ask a Night Guard for directions since I got lost when I was trying to find his office. The dude I asked was pretty cool and even showed me the way, but he had to ask why the newest member of the Royal Family was doing guard training when neither of the last two princesses had to do anything other than take some classes. I told him that it was because Celestia was kinda sexist and thought that every man needed to know how to kill shit more gooder and we both admitted that it would have been a borderline if not fully treasonous statement if I’d been anything other than a Prince. In any case, we got to Dirge’s office and he wished me luck in dealing with the old fellow, though I wasn’t sure why I needed it.

I knocked twice on the door and was told to enter. Dirge was filling out a stack of paperwork behind his desk and I winced at his workload because I was pretty sure that, if I ever got my own kingdom or slice of an empire, I was going to have much more to deal with on a daily basis. The Guard Captain finished up a piece of paperwork and had me sit in front of his desk before we got started, so I took a moment to look around his office. It wasn’t what I expected. There were plenty of decorations on the walls: pictures of a younger him and a few different mares who I assumed were members of his herd, though I didn’t know what to make of that. I figured most guards just wouldn’t have the time to entertain multiple partners, but then again, I’d been an Operative myself and had managed pretty well. There was a tasteful mandala-esque carpet beneath my feet that reminded me that I’d wanted one for my living room, though when I looked at his spacious, dark, wooden desk, I noticed that he only had a Newton’s Cradle and a picture on it. Still, it was more than I’d been expecting with his spartan demeanor.

He got the paper he was working on stacked onto another pile and looked at me. “Your Highness.”

“Sir.” I replied.

“No need for formalities on your end, Your Highness.”

I nodded. “Then I’m going to have to ask that you either call me Maximus or Max. I’m not a big fan of titles.”

He looked at me coolly. “So you’re a humble Prince? I don’t think we’ve ever had one.”

I shrugged. “Shining isn’t too bad, but he hates me, so I can’t really say much about him. What did you want to talk about, Captain?”

“If I’m to call you Max, I’ll need you to call me Dirge.”

I nodded. “Dirge it is.”

He returned my nod. “Princess Luna has informed me that you’ll only be taking part in the basic training of becoming a guard. That’s correct?”

“It is. I’ll be doing all the running, push-ups, and to my knowledge, weapons training you have to offer.” I remarked.

He furrowed his brow. “I heard your Royal Address. Princess Celestia said that you were an Operative.”

“I was. I technically still am, but then again, I’ve never been on the books anyway.”

He pulled something out from underneath his desk and held it up, showing me a palm-sized disk that held Luna and Celestia’s Cutie Marks. “This is a Royal Seal from the Princesses. I want to ask about your Operative missions.”

I made a face. “I’ve only had two, and only one of them was all that important.”

Dirge titled his head, gazing at me calmly. “There are mutterings around the darker circles that you carried out and assassination.”

“They’re true. I killed King Adolf.”

His eyes widened for a split second. “Well, well, well. I understand why you’re such a figure, if that’s the case”

I shrugged. “I’d like to say that it was simple, but all I did was sneak into the castle, kill bunch of people, and lie my way out of getting killed myself when I got caught.”

He narrowed his eyes. “You were caught?”

“By Queen Elfriede herself. She caught me immediately after I killed her husband, but I lied and told her that I was a rebel against his regime that had come to put her in power.”

“Smart.”

I scoffed. “I got lucky. If Adolf hadn't been an abusive prick, she would’ve ended me.”

“Luck plays a part in everything, but it takes wisdom to know when and what to lie about.”

I nodded. “That’s true. Is there anything else you’d like to know about the mission?”

He nodded. “How did you kill enough guards to get to their chambers?”

“A psychic tentacle gifted to me by a being more powerful than your wildest dreams and a Dire Wolf that can rip faces off like children open Hearth’s Warming Day presents. That, and where I grew up, I learned how to handle a knife.”

“You didn’t get to this point by being able to handle a knife. Do you have any other training?”

“I have other training, but my knife skills and that psychic tentacle have carried me pretty far.”

The old Captain shook his head. “What other kind of training do you have?”

“I’ve trained with hand-to-hand combat, daggers, and a shortsword and buckler combo. I’m here to learn more about the shortsword and shield than anything else, however. I already know from Luna and my mentor that my hand-to-hand style is better suited to me than the style Equestrian Guards learn.” That, and I beat Shining without too much trouble, after all.

“Then I’ll pass it along to Shoulder Boulder and Night Light that you need to train with the sword and shield. Speaking of Night Light, I can’t tell him not to pick on you. If you can make it through his nonsense, then you can make it through most forms of training.”

“I’ve been through worse already. My mentor is six thousand years old, give or take a few hundred years, and she’s well versed in the ways of making people suffer until they get good.”

Dirge gave me an odd look. “Your mentor can’t be a Pony.”

“She is, but there isn’t much I can tell you about her. She’s older than Celestia and Luna, I can tell you that much.”

“Fair enough. Is there anything you want to ask me? I’m sure you have things you want to do before lights out.”

“Not really. It’s been a rough day already.”

He gave me a dark chuckle. “It gets rougher. I’ll see you later then, young Prince.”

“Until then, old Captain.”

And with that, I was allowed to leave his office and go back to the Barracks. Stalwart and Shaggy were already laying down, doing fuck all and when I got back, so I started writing because I want to get all of this shit written down while I’m not too exhausted to do it. Yeah, I’m tired and all, but I know that tomorrow’s going to suck worse and that it’s not going to get any better, so I guess I’d like to end the day with my observations about my new friends. It might seem a little out of place, but they really do interest in me in all the tastiest ways.

Stalwart was a lot like Rainbow in that he was sporty and a bit braggadocious, but he was a little less of a ‘play-by-the-rules’ kinda guy. He wouldn’t really cheat per se, but if he saw a loophole, he wouldn’t hesitate to use it to his advantage. I noticed that he had a certain charisma about him that made him a pretty likable guy, and his morality seemed to be in check, so I was certain that he was just as stalwart as his name suggested. He definitely seemed like a guy I’d want on my team for any sort of sporting event, and a decent friend to go along with it.

Iron Hoof… Well, she seems rather diligent and pretty by-the-book to me, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Yeah, she was a little critical at times, but she struck me as a good judge of character and when I’d been about to fall over on the track, she and Shaggy had been the first ones by my side to offer me. She’s not exactly nice, but I feel like she’s a person you have to spend more time with to really appreciate.

Speaking of people who could be unpleasant, Brilliant Day could be one Hell of a skeptic, but she’s pretty smart. The sass, however, get’s to be damn near unbearable, though it’s tempered by her willingness to poke fun at any and everyone. It’s true that she’s kind of a bitch, but some of the straight up savage things she says about people make you want to curl up and cover your ears so you’ll stop laughing. For example, she said that Night Light must be jealous of every dick in Canterlot since his is obviously so small. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be such a massive one to compensate. She’s a card, I’ll give her that, but that sharp tongue of hers will get her in trouble if she’s not careful.

Shaggy strikes me as a really compassionate guy. Like I mentioned a paragraph ago, he was one of the first people to circle back and come help me out, but I have a feeling that, if it’s not something important, he’s a total flake. The guy’s really supportive and it’s obvious that he likes to make people laugh, but my God, his jokes are terrible. I mean, at least Pinkie’s make you chuckle from the sheer nonsense, but his jokes are just cringeworthy. I really don’t feel like writing any of them down. Other than that, he’s a laid back, quiet guy, but he was being honest when he said that he liked to go out of his way to help people if it meant he was doing some good.

Moon Walk was a bit of an oddity. She doesn’t really talk much, but I think it’s because she spends so much time thinking about what other people say. She strikes me as really contemplative and intelligent, but in a different way than Day. Hell, she actually got lost in thought a few times in the middle of a sentence, but when we got her back down to Earth, or rather, Equus, she usually had something interesting to share, like that she thought Day and Stalwart would make a good couple since Day could laugh about herself and Stalwart didn’t take much to heart. I asked her if she had any observations about me and she said that I was a good-natured kind of guy with a good attitude about most things, though she felt like I had a dark side. She didn’t go to deep into her thoughts and I didn’t ask, just in case she started pulling some Pinkie shit on me.

While I’m laying in the shitty, stiff bunk in the Barracks, I can’t help but feel like today was productive. I’ve already gotten all my letters for the night written out, but I know I’ll have to wait until breakfast tomorrow to read the replies unless Noir teaches me some way to make Dark Magic give me night vision, which would’ve been helpful at some point I’m sure. Still, I only have ten minutes until lights out and I just got a reply from Twilight. She said that she already misses me and hopes that the letter she sent to her Dad will be enough to make him go easier on me.

I fucking doubt it, but here’s hoping, yeah?
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Alright, so it’s been four days since I’ve really had a chance to write in my journal. First things first, Night Light got worse. He just became a straight up fucking prick. The first day was all well and good, but the last four have been an absolute hell of laps, obstacle course runs, and various exercises like push-ups, sit-ups, more fucking running, and he even tried to cut my rations until Dirge came around and told him that that shit wasn’t happening on his watch. Still, I was making it just fine until today since Twilight wrote me every night, but I nearly snapped and fucking laid him out earlier.

Today started like the two before it had: wake up, get dressed and ready in five minutes or get left behind and do another lap on top of the two we’re already expected to do. I still haven’t been late, but Night Light called me late the first two days and everyone behind me had to suffer for it, so now I make sure I’m the last out of the barracks. Hell, I even keep the time for everyone so they know to hurry the fuck up before they actually do make me late. In fact, Stalwart, Bronze, and myself have really gotten the guys in our Barracks into a pretty good shape over the past few days, and now everyone’s usually ready to go in about three and a half minutes, and that includes Shaggy’s slow arse.

Anyway, I got out of the barracks last and Night Light said that I was late, as usual, so he made me take an extra lap, but by now, most of our group just ran the extra lap with me since Bronze had gotten the word out that Night Light was trying to make everyone hate me. The group as a whole was pretty unified, even if Bronze’s group and my own were the most closely knit out of the rest of the others. We were like pods of dolphins that formed a herd, and that’s honestly the best way I can describe it, but the main thing that surprised me was the amount of camaraderie that was built so fucking quickly. Yeah, there was a group of six arseholes that liked to tell Night Light that I’d been skipping out on certain things, but they’d been called out on their lies enough times by Bronze’s group and my own that they were shunned for trying to fuck with the guy who’d been nothing if not pleasant and diligent throughout Night Light’s bullshit.

Once we got through with our run, Boulder took over and had us do a hundred push-ups in sets of fifty with a fifteen second break in between before breakfast. Stalwart, Bronze, Iron, and myself usually finished first along with Cocoa Powder from the group of arseholes, so our break was a little longer than most, but Boulder only gave so many points for being first and had us each getting back down to business once she’d counted our breaks. Seriously, the woman was one hell of a Drill Sergeant because she could keep track of multiple people’s breaks and bust balls like no other when someone was taking a longer break than they were allowed. In fact, Cocoa only got to try that shit once before Boulder was screaming in his face, swearing at him and adding another full hundred push-ups while calling him every sort of Pony slur I’d ever heard. She’d even gone so far as to call him a ‘shit-brained, cock-munching, lazy nag of a stallion’ and that started something fun.

The ‘nag’ part set poor Cocoa off and he thought he was going to get up in Boulder’s face so he could tell her just what he though of her. I thought I’d heard screaming before, but Boulder had a whole ‘nother level that she hadn't shared yet, and when she let loose, Night Light put himself between Boulder and Cocoa before something could happen. The two had a shouting match that she won by a fucking mile, and when Cocoa flipped her off, that was it. Night Light stepped out of the way and Boulder told Mr. Powder that he was dishonorably discharged and that he could go back to his family as a ‘bucking disgrace to your family and a failure of a stallion’ Cocoa cocked back to throw a punch at her, but I picked him up off of the ground before he could get himself brutalized. That earned me five laps from Boulder when she asked who did it, but I accepted them since they were worth it to me. I didn’t want Boulder to lose her job over some petty prick who wanted to cheat his way through Boot Camp, so I took my laps with pride, and when I came back, she made me cut in line and run the obstacle course four times without a break in between. Shit was fucking brutal to say the least and by the time I was done, I was covered in mud.

While the others were going off to get weapons and armour with Night Light so we could start training in full gear, Boulder took me aside. “At ease, soldier. Was it really worth Maximus? Was it really?”

We’d just finished with my last run-through of the course, so I was winded like no other. “Didn’t… Want you… Job…” I gasped right before being ill. There wasn’t much left in my stomach at this point, so I was just dry heaving.

“Really now. You think I would’ve lost my job over self defense?” She asked.

“You… Overboard.” I struggled to get my breathing right, and nothing seemed to be helping.

“Are you telling me I went overboard?”

“Going to...”

“I was not.” Boulder said firmly.

I shook my head and took a few moments to finally even out. “You were looking for… A real reason.”

“Can you see into in my mind, princeling?” She seethed.

“Almost. Not quite, but almost.” I stood up straighter.

“Tch. Cocoa deserved what he had coming to him.”

“You’re too strong for him.”

“Foalish colts pick fights with the wrong ponies all the time. The only way they learn is by having it beaten out of them.” Boulder said, rather assured.

“Yes, but you were going to push his teeth down his throat and out the other side.” I maintained.

She shrugged. “Some lessons are harder to learn than others.”

“Just saying, sir. I would’ve defended you, but I don’t know how much my word-” I realized I was a fucking Prince. “Aww shit! I could’ve just gotten you off scot-free!”

Boulder gave me an odd look. “Would you really do that for me?”

“Yeah, if you’re in the right. I’m used to being the one that needs to be dug out of the shit hole, not the other way around. This Prince thing is going to take some time to get used to.”

Boulder cracked a smile. “You know what? You’re a pretty good guy. Don’t think I haven’t noticed the work you and Bronze have been putting in with getting everypony to work as a team rather than as individuals.”

I scratched my head. “It’s just better this way, honestly.”

“True. Go catch up to the others and get your gear. We’ve blown enough time talking.” Boulder dismissed me and I jogged off a little slowly.

When I got to the Armoury, there were still people getting armour, so I joined them in finding practice breastplates and the like that would fit me. There weren’t really any sets that were suited toward me since I was relatively tall and thin compared to the rest of the ponies, but I just went with something that would actually cover me. It wasn’t fucking light by any stretch of the imagination and it was awfully loose since it was made for someone bulkier than me, but I noticed that a few of the shorter people and a few of the people around my size had the same problem. Finding a helmet that fit was a lot easier since they were built for Ponies and accommodated their ears , meaning that I just grabbed a smallish one that fit snugly. Things sounded a bit tinny, but my hearing was still just fine otherwise, so I wasn’t worried about missing orders or anything.

I joined Stalwart in line to get armed and we got the basic sword and shield combo, though some of the stockier people got spears. Everyone in my group save for Iron got a sword, so when we headed out onto the Training Ground and were ordered to start running all over again, she had a little bit of trouble, as did the rest of those with spears. She got it eventually, but the group was still maintaining a good pace since the armour was that fucking heavy. In fairness, I’m not an armour guy at all. Like, I never wore armour when I trained with Noir because, for one, I’m a light weapons kind guy. Light weapons means light armour, and since light armour isn’t really a thing here in Equestria as far as I know, there isn’t really much I can do about that, though I’ll probably look into a tightly woven silk cuirass of some kind. It’d be good against slashes and stabs as far as allowing me to live through them. Huh. I’ll have to do that.

Little asides aside, running fucking sucked, and after we were done running in hot, heavy armour, we were allowed a break for food and water. We’d been rather late in getting our break since a lot of people just couldn’t deal with the armour, and I was one of those that lagged behind since my armour was so comparatively heavy. Still, we made it through and the break was much needed. When we came back, we practiced on training dummies with Night Light and Shoulder Boulder barking orders and general abuse at those who weren’t swinging hard enough. They stopped next to me at the same time and Boulder gave me a nod that I saw from the corner of my eye while Night Light called out different strokes. Forehand. Forehand. Backhand. Forehand. Straight down. Switch hands. Forehand. Backhand. Straight down. Forehand. So on and so forth.

Night light called out orders faster and faster until most people were just whacking at a dummy until they dropped their sword, but I was used to Noir’s ridiculous expectations and performed to the best of my ability, mixing in the odd extra stroke every now and again as Night Light barked out orders as fast as he could while remaining coherent. There were only a few of us with blunted practice swords in our hands after seven or so minutes of Night Light’s rapid onslaught of strokes. My hand started going numb from the sheer volume of the whacks, but I still managed to be one of the last three people with a sword in their hands. Hell, when we took a break and picked our shields up, I was in the last three to keep up with the shield strikes too, so I was feeling pretty proud about that as well. Night Light still found a way to berate me for doing something or other wrong and made me take a lap in full EQ, but I didn’t mind much.

We continued on with exercises throughout the day, and after we got another break and were told to grab some water, we returned for Combat Drills. Night Light had a smile on his face the entire time and when we came back from our break, he had four guards, two Night, two Day, standing in a largish rope circle. Drill Sergeant Ass Fucker told us to leave our armour behind so we could do our primary hand-to-hand drills until sun down, and the moment I got mine off, he called me forward.

“Maximus! At attention!” Night Light bellowed.

I came forth and assumed attention. “Sir yes sir!”

“It’s been brought to my attention that you think you’ve been trained before! Is that correct?”

“Sir yes sir!” I replied, already knowing where this was going.

I could hear the smile in his voice. “Well then, why don’t we see how well you’ve been trained? Swift Strike! Come forward!”

The most dangerous looking of the four guards came forward. He was a little taller than me and he had great musculature on him, and his hands were quite large. The other three guards went to the edge of the circle and Night Light stood between us, so I actually looked at Swift Strike instead of just looking at his head and shoulders. The guy was fucking built. Like, through his fur, I could see the tone in his arms, and his pants hugged his thighs in a way that let me know it was fucking over if I ate a kick from him. Sure, I’m good at what I do, but this guy put Shining Armour to shame, and I was pretty sure that he was one of the best fighters in The Guard, a fact that Night Light confirmed smugly before he stepped away from us.

“Alright! This is a sparring match, but I don’t want either of you holding back or pulling punches! The fight is over when I say it’s over, so unless your opponent isn’t getting back up, don’t stop! Any questions?” Night Light asked.

Swift raised a hand. “I won’t get in trouble for beating up a Prince, right?”

Night Light looked at me with a smirk, but I answered before he could. “I’m not some petty arse licking shit stain who abuses their power. If you win fair and square, it’s your win. I’m not about to come after you for it.”

Swift raised his brows. “Wow. Almost makes me want to go easy on you.”

I gave him a lopsided grin. “Almost.”

“If you two ninnies are done flirting, you can bucking start already.” Night Light snarled. Looks like someone didn’t miss my jab. I’m gonna pay for that later.

I backed up quickly and took a defensive stance with my Muay Thai guard. I didn’t know how good this guy was going to be with using his legs since he took up a typical boxing guard, but I was certain that his punches were going to be fucking fast and lethal. I needed to keep a guard up if I didn’t want to get my shit wrecked, so as we circled each other, I stayed loose and calm to make sure I wouldn’t lose power in my strikes if he decided to spring, but I had a feeling that he was waiting for me to make the first move.

Honestly, my Muay Thai stance was decent for attacking, but I had something better for it and I was a lot more comfortable with using kicks anyway since it meant I could use the extra reach I had with them instead of getting too up close and personal. I shifted my stance so that my left side was facing swift and lowered my guard like Noir had taught me. I’d been surprised to find that she’d had something that allowed rapid kicks since all of the Ponies she’d had me fight had relied on singular strong kicks instead of rapid-fire ones, but the style suited me and kind of reminded me a bit of a cross between Martial Law and Hworang’s styles in Tekken. It was an odd combo, but when I launched my first salvo of kicks, Swift had been taken by surprise and I’d even managed to land two of the five I’d thrown. I faked a high kick and switched balancing legs to go for a stance change, hooking my foot behind his leg during a hard low kick and using the rest of the momentum to both push with my grounded foot and pull with the hooked foot so I could drive my shoulder into him. I’d been planning on toppling Swift to gain some extra points or something but he got to his hooves sooner than I’d expected and started his counter attack.

I like being right, but in this case, I fucking hate that I was. Swift’s punches were no joke and he threw four that connected through my guard, each of them hurting plenty. I tried swatting away some of his punches, but the guy was just too fast and his hands were hard to keep up with. When he threw an uppercut that got far too close to connecting, I jumped back and returned with a powerful side kick that connected with his stomach, winding him and making him falter a bit but he persevered, ignoring the pain, and came back. There was no hope of coming out on top of a trade, and I was going to wear down before he wore out, so after a good three or so minutes of trying to turtle up and throwing the odd knee at him, I tried for the grappling techniques Noir had taught me and ducked under his punches and grabbed his leg.

Swift rained down punch after bone jarring punch, and I knew if I didn’t act fast, my body was going to go into full Fight or Flight mode and I was either going to snap or lose my will to continue, so I planted my feet and lifted with all of my strength, but Swift caught me in a headlock before I could take him down. He held fast as I pushed and he bounced along on one hoof until he drove the tip into the ground and slid until he was kneeling. I had to use both of my hands to break his grasp on me, and once I did, I received two jabs to the face as punishment for being foolish enough to go for a takedown.

Things just weren’t looking good for me, but I had one Hell of an opportunity while he was down on one knee and I took it. I used his leg as a platform and brought my other knee straight up into his face, rising with as much power as I could muster, rocking Swift pretty well. I backed up and waited for him to start getting up before launching another kick at him, but Swift dodged it easily with a manic smile and drove his fist into my stomach, knocking the wind from my lungs and shutting me down pretty hard before he hit me with an uppercut that shook my world and made me see spots. I felt him connect with a few more punches and fell onto my back, completely fucking stuck until I sat up slowly. Loud words rang through my ears and I looked around, lost to the world and its goings on. I felt like I had to get back up and the sheer volume of the unintelligible noises being thrown at my head made my ears ring, but still I rose to my feet shakily and put my hands up. The world was spinning and I never even saw the next punch coming, but it didn’t feel like it had been as hard as it was before.

There were a few more of the lighter punches and I got my bearings soon enough, but I got my guard up and started protecting my face, I actually felt like I could get back into the fight. Through my guard, I could see that Swift looked upset and that he had blood on his fists staining his orange fur. It took a moment to realize that it was mine, but I didn't know whether it was from my mouth or my nose, both of which smelled and tasted like blood. Well, one smelled, the other tasted. Semantics. In any case, I took a moment to drop my guard and look around since I was finally figuring out where the fuck I was again. Swift and I were supposed to be ‘sparring’, and I was pretty sure that he’d just laid me out like no other, so I decided to stop being a little bitch and strut my stuff like I’d wanted to do in the first place. No more holding back, though it’s not like I’d been doing much of it before this point anyway.

I spat out a mouthful of blood and ran my tongue across my teeth. I could tell that I’d bitten through my cheek and a bit of my tongue from my check, but neither of them hurt that much, and after blowing the blood from my nose all at once instead of letting it gush out like it had been, I looked to Swift.

“Oi! Mate, what’s the hold up?” I asked, stretching and limbering back up.

Swift shook his head and dropped his fists. “You were out cold for a little while. I won.”

Night Light stepped into the ring. “I said the fight’s over when I say it’s over! Buck up or shut up!”

Swift and I looked at him before looking back at each other. “I’m done holding back, Swift. Next down solves the problem, yeah?”

“You realize you sound ridiculous because I just broke your nose, right? I’m pretty sure I felt something crack when I hit you with that uppercut.”

I worked my jaw. “It was a tooth and my jaw. I’ll ask Celestia to fix it if it’s a real problem, but it’s not like I can’t eat. Come on, let’s get this show on the road.” I turned my left side to him, lowering myself into an offensive stance.

Swift glared at me. “Seriously, I just put you on your back-”

“Swift Strike! I will have you demoted!” Night Light threatened.

Swift grumbled to himself, setting his jaw, but neither of us moved. I stood up straight and started circling him like we’d done before , but he just turned in place as I spiralled in closer and closer. Once I was within range, I dropped into the all-out attack stance once more, but right as I was about to launch my first kick, Boulder and Dirge arrived.

“Stop! I swear, if either of you moves, you’ll be doing laps until dawn!” Boulder threatened. I swear, she could have been spewing molten steel with her tone.

Dirge walked into the center of the ring and stood between Swift and myself while Boulder stood next to me. She wrinkled her nose and said, “You got your flank handed to you.”

“Night Light. Why did I get called over here by one of the trainees?” Dirge demanded.

Night Light came over and saluted. “Sir! This is a combat training drill, sir!”

“I see that. Why are you having our hand-to-hand instructor fighting a trainee without gloves, headwear, or pads in general? You know what happened to the last pony who fought Swift Strike without protection, right?” Dirge asked coolly.

“Sir! I’m aware of what happened-”

“And yet here Maximus is, face covered in blood, and I’ve been told that he was downed for a full twenty seconds and yet you let them continue. Colt, are you incompetent, or are you trying to get this stallion killed?” Dirge snarled, showing the first bit of emotion I’d seen from him.

“Sir! I was testing the limits of Maximus’ training and it would seem that his limits have yet to be reached, sir!” Night Light said.

Dirge turned to me and our eyes met. “Recruit. Can you continue?”

“Sir yes sir.” I answered, conjuring every ounce of mettle I could.

He nodded. “Then the next down will solve it. I’m curious to see where your limits lie myself.” The Captain turned to Night Light. “If you have another oversight like this, you will lose another rank.” Did he already lose one?

Night Light nodded like he’d expected it. “Sir yes sir!”

Boulder looked outraged that we were allowed to continue, but as Night Light and Dirge left the circle, she stayed behind until Dirge told her to get out of the circle. She stayed long enough to say, “You don’t have to do this.”

“Luna’s going to kick my arse up and down every road in Canterlot if she finds out that I lost outright. I need to even the score.” I replied solemnly.

“Shoulder Boulder!” Dirge called, his voice sharp.

She walked out, keeping her eyes on me for a few more steps until she turned and get the fuck out. When she left, I walked up to Swift with a hand extended. “May the craziest fucker succeed.”

He shook my hand and looked at me funny as I backed away slowly. From there, I knew that I was going to have to let loose completely, so I closed my eyes and held my Dark Magic in check like Noir taught me as a failsafe against it causing me to turn into a Revenant. Once I was sure that it was locked down for the next five or so minutes, I turned my focus onto my heart and induced some palpitations, making it beat faster and irregularly in order to get it to the point I needed it to be for the technique to work. It took a bit of prep time, but once I felt that feral energy surge through me like it had the three times I’d done it before, I knew that I was good to go and that I needed to end this quickly before I just straight up collapsed. Sure, I was going to be out of commission for a good hour or so after using the unnamed technique, but if there was a worthier opponent to try it out on in the real world, then it would have to be Luna or Celestia themselves.

I opened my eyes to find that Swift was now coming toward me with his guard down, so I choked back the innate desire to end him then and there and back up a few steps. I kicked up a lot of dust while doing it since Noir’s physical boost technique made your muscles react at full capacity to just about ay gesture, but it was controllable enough for me to use it in the first place. My version was imperfect as of right now since I only had a minute or two to use it, however, and I really shouldn't have been using it since I still had more left to do in the day, but I’d been challenged to show my limits by two of my temporary superiors and it really didn’t hurt that Swift had taken everything I’d thrown at him and returned it tenfold. I owed it to him as a man and as a competitor to show him what I could really do.

I lowered myself back into my assault stance and leapt at him, gaining more air than I thought I would, closing the three or so meters between us in the blink of an eye like it was a Kung-Fu flick or something. When my knee met his guard and I began to fall, I grabbed his hands and held them firmly before pushing myself away. Once my feet hit the ground, I charged again and lead with a fist this time since he was probably expecting another kick, so I sent it straight into his gut, or rather, I would’ve if he hadn't blocked it. Even with the added speed and strength, Swift Strike was one Hell of an opponent, and when I threw two more punches that didn’t connect, I told myself that I could go full kicks instead and started in with a three thrust kicks that eventually bowled him over, making him roll tail over head once until he caught himself.

Swift got back to his hooves swiftly, but I had a high kick waiting for him while his guard was still over his stomach, and when it connected, it made him bow in respect of my strength! Well, it was actually just a fucking heavy-ass kick, but still, it gave me a chance for a brutal axe kick that I brought down on the top of his head. Luckily, he was an Earth Pony, otherwise I would have gotten my heel impaled on a horn , and once I cleared his head, I came in for two heavy knees that be barely managed to get his guard up for. If I’d been trying to break shit, shit would have been broken but as it was, I sent a side kick into his stomach while his guard was high and I noticed that he wasn’t getting up quickly: The time between his falls just seemed short to me. When he got back up to his knees, it was like he was moving in slow motion, so I steeled myself and prepared to go in for the kill, but my legs wouldn’t fucking move.

I fell to my knees as deep aches started to spread from my toes upward, the backlash already sucking something fierce. The pain spread quickly and I let out a low moan before coughing up some blood. While I was staring at the ground, hacking up some of the stuff that makes your life do the living thing, I heard something fall, so I looked over to where Swift had been. There were people surrounding him and there were more coming to my side, but I willed my body to move so I could at least sit back on my legs. Everything hurt like I’d just done the most extreme workout and my heart ached because I’d literally just given myself something like a fucking heart attack. Still, I was worn the fuck out and a little delirious, but when Dirge came over and cleared the people asking me if I was okay away, I saluted from where I was.

“Did I win? Sir.” I croaked, adding in the last bit.

“It’s your win, soldier. Swift was barely conscious when you sent that last kick his way.” Dirge said.

I put my hand down and fell over. “Fucking radical.”

“Get up, soldier.” The Captain ordered. “As good as those two minutes were, we’ve still got more recruits to train in combat.”

My hands twitched a bit, but I was coughing on the dust because I couldn’t fucking move. “Not… Happenin’... Cap’n.” I said in between coughs.

He nudged me with his foot. “Somepony! Get this stallion to the Infirmary!”

“Captain! We’ll take him, sir!” Stalwart said from nearby.

“Then be quick about it so you can carry on with training.” Dirge said.

Someone grabbed my left arm and another someone grabbed the right, so I craned my neck and saw that it was Stalwart and Iron Hoof. I thanked them for getting me off my face and they told me not to worry about it, though Iron was curious why I’d waited so long to get so good at fighting. I told her that doing something like that burned a lot of energy, which is why I couldn’t move at all. Things were sucking pretty hard since all of my muscles hurt, but when Stalwart mentioned how cool it was that I’d gotten back up after being knocked out by an instructor and came back for a win, things sucked a little less.

My trip to the infirmary say someone setting my nose and healing the break there as well as them repairing the damage in my mouth. An oral specialist was going to have to be called in the next day to fix my mouth, which fucking sucked since the adrenaline that’d been keeping me going ran out awhile ago and now my face hurt something fierce. Swift really had cracked my jaw and a tooth or two and now I was suffering for it, which was fucked in all the wrong ways. My tongue and cheek could be healed with magic, and they were the first things to be healed since they were bleeding the worse out of the cuts and scrapes on my person, but my teeth still fucking hurt.

I ended up meditating to help the magic heal my mouth hole and facial wounds, and when I went to see Noir, she told me that she was proud that I’d overcome a stronger opponent, though she maintained that I should have won without using her technique in the first place. I asked how I was supposed to win against someone stronger, faster, and more experienced than me without cheating and she told me that I was supposed to find some way. Still, I got a hug and a cookie as a reward for winning the second round, though Noir was adamant that I get my mouth healed before I go train with Luna. I was quick to agree since that shit hurt a good deal and would likely impede the process of me eating, so I made a mental note to ask Dirge if I was allowed to have Celestia heal me since she was a good resource for things of the sort.

Noir didn’t want me to lose the general vibe I’d been building in the Boot Camp, so she sent me off after a quick kiss and I was back to reality in the blink of an eye, the ache in my jaw returning with a vengeance. In any case, I sat up on the shitty, yet better than my bunk, hospital bed and found that my shit didn’t ache as much as it did when I’d been dragged in. I was still a little sore, but I was fine enough to go do a lap or something, so I walked over to the nurse and asked what time it was. She pointed out a clock and asked me if I’d really been all that tired and I told her that I just healed incredibly quickly, thus I rested incredibly quickly most of the time. She gave me a ‘Yeah right’ kinda look and I asked her if she was really doubting that an extra-terrestrial was different from a normal guard and she gave me my due respect on that one.

I fucked off soon after she told me that I could go after a quick diagnostic spell, and once that was done, I stopped by to give Swift a few words. Nothing important between us was said, other than a few bits of praise for being good fighters. He told me that he was surprised that I was as brutal as I was for someone so young and I told him that he was ridiculous with the sharpness of his jabs and his uppercut was fierce like no other punch I’d seen a Pony throw, and I’d fought dozens within the mindscape. In fact, I had to sit down talk about some past fights with him since we were both out of commission for a little while anyway. Well, we were supposed to be. Swift assured me that he’d stick up for me since the rest of the day was supposed to have been dedicated to combat training, so it’s not like I was missing out on anything.

We took up about thirty minutes of each other’s time and I asked him if he had any ambitions within the guard, just as a hypothetical question and nothing else. He was a little wary of answering until I told him that I was asking because it seemed to me like he should be shooting past the instructor position and he chuckled. He said that he wanted to run Drills with the new trainees and that his method of teaching would be a lot like Boulders: fair, but brutal. Swift had lost a lot of respect for Night Light today and it was going to be hard to earn back. Sure, he would still follow orders since Night Light outranked him, but Swift offered to get back at him for me since it was starting to become common knowledge that Night Light was doing his best to make me quit The Guard. I shrugged his offer off and told him that I could have Night Light binned if I really wanted him to since I outranked everyone save for the other members of the Royal Family. I just wasn’t about to abuse the power I had like Night Light was doing with his because I’m not a shitty shit head.

I bid Swift a speedy recovery before heading out to go back to the Training Grounds to go do some more fucking training; what else was I going to go out there for? However, when I got out to the combat circle thing, someone told Boulder that I’d come back and she had a few choice words for me up until I explained what I could do to her. Then she had more choice words and told me to go get my mouth properly healed since I never should’ve gotten hurt so badly in the first place. Since she basically told me to go get my face fixed and then go wait until we finished up for the day, I went to go see the Diarchs since the Sun was already about three-quarters of the way out of the sky. I’d be surprised if Celestia was the one presiding over Court, but just in case it really was her, I went into the castle and asked a guard for some directions to there first. He’d been reluctant to give them to me since I’m sure I still smelled like blood, but I flashed him my ring and told him that I needed Celestia to fix something Swift Strike had done to my face. He was rather sympathetic after that and gave me some pretty straightforward directions to the Court Hall, so I thanked him and was on my way.

Celestia wasn’t in Court when I got there, so I went to the Dining Hall to see if I could catch the Diarchs as they prepared to trade off for the day. When I arrived there, Celestia and Luna were staring at the door since the butler guy had announced my presence before me entering.

“Hullo, ladies. Wouldn’t happen to want to do me a small favor, would you?” I asked.

“Max, why do you sound like you can barely move your jaw?” Celestia asked.

“That exact reason.” I replied.

Luna chuckled. “Don’t tell us that you have come to us because you were clumsy while training.”

“No, got my jaw and a couple teeth cracked and I was hoping one of you could fix that for me. A lesser man might be in tears right now.” I said proudly. Well, before wincing, but still.

Celestia gave me an odd look. “I’ll heal you if you tell me how you managed to crack your jaw while training.”

I nodded. “You know Swift Strike? The hand-to-hand instructor?”

They nodded but Luna answered before Celestia could. “We obviously know of him, but what does he have to do with anything? Surely he wouldn’t have hit you unless you were asking for it.”

I shook my head. “Night Light told Swift and I to go for full contact during a sparring session. Bare knuckle, no equipment. Swift put me on my arse the first round, but I got him in the second.”

Celestia frowned hard. “Are you telling me that Sergeant Night Light, Twilight Sparkles own father, put you up against a stallion that has proven to be lethal when he wants to be?”

I nodded. “It’s fine, Sunbutt. He lost rank because of it and I was able to handle it afterward. Can you heal my face now?”

She beckoned me over and had me leaned down a little so she could touch both sides of my face. A few moments later, warm relief coursed through her hands and into me, making my shit feel like it was no longer about to fall out or off.

“Thanks, hun. I appreciate that.” I rubbed my jaw to check and see if it was really gone.

The Solar Diarch wasn’t smiling. “What else has Night Light been doing that should be getting him demoted?”

“Just the usual power trip kinda stuff. Making me run extra laps, punishing those who try and be around me, singling me out and making others suffer even when I didn’t actually do anything wrong. And no, Celestia, you’re not allowed to retaliate.” I said firmly.

“Hear me, Maximus, when I say that your time under Night Light’s eye will make you stronger for the time to come under my own eye. Suffer through the extra work he makes you do and the work I make you do won’t seem that much worse.” Luna said.

“Bullshit. You’re going to put me through Hell, and everyone in this room knows it.” I scoffed.

Celestia glared at us. “That aside, a member of The Guard should not be treating someone they have sworn their life to protect like trash you might find under your hoof. I don’t see how you expect me to sit idly by-”

I leaned in and licked her face, earning me another glare. “Tasty vanilla face cake. Anyway, I expect you to go on with business as usual unless I get hurt enough to warrant you taking his head off, i.e killing me or getting me hurt enough so that I’m practically dead anyways. Twilight told me not to fuck him up and she agreed to what I asked for in return so I’m not going to weasel my way around my promise to her. She asked for no retaliation and I’ll give him none, no matter how much of a prick he decides to be.”

Celestia wiped my slobber off while I was talking. “...I suppose I won’t intervene if that is the case, but I do wish that you’d told me that you were being treated unfairly, Maximus.”

“It’s not a problem, hun. If I couldn’t handle it, we’d be screwed anyway. Frankly, Boot Camp’s been rough, but Noir still pushed me a lot harder than anyone else ever has in my entire life, and nothing is going to change that.”

“You say that now.” Luna said ominously.

“...Fuck. Yeah, feel free to stop Luna from going too far, however. Everyone in this room knows she’s extreme at times.”

My former lover chuckled. “I’ll be sure to point and laugh in your truest moments of pain.”

“Psychotic twats.” I muttered.

“What was that, dearest Prince?” Celestia jibed.

“Shove it, old hag. I’ll tie you up by your hooves and tickle you until you piss all over yourself.” I shot back.

Celestia raised a brow at me. “I’ll be sure to do the same to you, but with your thumbs and an anti-gravity spell.”

I wrung my hands. “I’ll tie a string around your clitoris and lead you around on a leash.”

She blushed and cracked up, so I won that round. “Alright, fair is fair. Shouldn’t you be getting back to the Barracks?”

“I sure should. Do I get hugs before I go, or am I to leave without fulfilling my affectionate tendencies?” I asked.

Celestia rolled her eyes and stretched an arm out for me, so I leaned down and gave her one before heading over to do the same with Luna. Once I’d gotten what I wanted because I always do, I left and came back to the Training Grounds. They were still running Combat Drills, so I helped myself to a lap or two around the track to pass the time since I didn’t want to waste the energy I’d gotten back from meditating. I passed Dirge on my second lap and he motioned for me to stop and stand at attention, so I did and he asked how I was moving already since I’d just been dead on my feet about two hours ago. I explained Noir’s technique and my meditation, so he asked why I hadn't rejoined the combat drills and I told him that Shoulder Boulder had told me to go get my face fixed up and wait until we were slated to go to the Mess Hall, so that made him inquire as to why I was running for no reason. Basically, I just didn’t want to waste a chance to build up a little more endurance and I could tell from his micro-expressions that he approved, so he told me to stop wasting time and get back to it.

Boulder sent Shaggy over to wave me down while I was on my fourth lap so we could go to the Mess Hall and get some grub, so I joined him and the rest of my group in doing what we do best: Eat. By today, Bronze's group and my own had claimed tables right next to each other so we could all keep the jokes flowing, though as was always the case, once the food was served and everyone started eating, the groups stuck to their own. I don't know why it was like that since the separate pods sometime switched out members for different meals, but it was just the way things worked, I guess.

Today while we were eating, Iron Hoof started things off. “Max, how did you learn to fight like that!? Even before you got that crazy second wind, you were giving Swift Strike some real trouble!”

I shrugged and dipped my bread into my stew. “I had a great teacher. She taught me my techniques, I just need to get my body to the point where I can use them better. That’s why I’m training as a guard in the first place: for the body development.”

“Dude, what kind of teacher tells you to use your knees instead of your hooves? I’ve been in scraps with pony after pony, but the big thing everypony always goes for is a buck.” Stalwart asked.

“Hey cotton-head, it’s obvious His Royal Dingus doesn’t exactly have hooves.” Day sniped.

I raised a brow and pursed my lips. “I’d tell you off for being a twat, but you’re totally right, Day. Shit’s kinda obvious.”

Stalwart blushed and Iron took over. “So who’s the mentor that taught you how to fight like a mad pony? Was it one of The Princesses?”

“No, my mentor’s older than Celestia and Luna. I can’t tell you who she is since it’s kind of a secret. In fact, the only people who know about her are members of the Royal Family anyway.” I explained.

“Dude.” Shaggy said eloquently.

Day scoffed. “‘Dude’ is right. So what about that insane stunt you pulled? You went from having the striking distance of a normal pony to flying across the ring like you were a Pegasus or something!”

I gestured with some bread. “It’s one of the techniques my mentor taught me. I’d offer to teach it to you, but the only reason I’m able to use it more than once or twice a month is because of how ridiculously fast I heal. Otherwise, I’d be as dead as a doornail. As far as I know, Luna has a similar technique, but hers isn’t as hard on the body.”

Moon nodded. “I could tell when you closed your eyes and stopped moving that you were doing something strange. When you came after Swift and ate up ten feet in the blink of an eye, it was obvious that you weren’t holding back anymore. Normal ponies shouldn’t be able to do things like that.”

I held up two fingers. “One, I’m not a Pony.” I flicked one down. “Two, I shouldn’t be able to do things like that, but I’m immortal or something like that, so it’s not like I’ll die to death or anything.”

“Dude. Are you like, a male Alicorn or something?” Shaggy asked.

Day made a noise of disdain. “He just said he wasn’t a Pony, you stupid stallion. Besides, everypony knows there aren’t any male Alicorns.”

I focused on my stew and the process of doing the eating of that stew. Have I ever mentioned how decent the stew in the Mess Hall was? It wasn’t really good, per se, but it was definitely not a load of suck. I’ve heard people complain about it from time to time, but I found it to be pretty decent, even on its off days and the amount of nutrients they packed into the thick broth were enough to keep you going. After all, every good soldier needs a good meal in them to keep the fight going, and as I was pondering these thoughts while trying to avoid Day’s statement, someone threw a spoon at my forehead.

“Oi!” I said indignantly.

“We were talking to you, Oh Mighty Doofus.” Day sneered.

“Bitch, I will fucking eat you.” I snapped.

She shut the fuck up.

“Now. What was the question? And keep in mind that the next person to throw a goddamn spoon at me is going to have that hand broken.” I tossed Day’s spoon behind me.

Stalwart pursed his lips. “We were just wandering if there were any male Alicorns that you knew of.”

“Well, not really. To be honest with you, I’m the closest thing you’ve got, and that would make me the weakest Alicorn.” I actually am the weakest Alicorn, but I’m not exactly a Pony anyway.

Moon gave me an odd look. “You’re an Alicorn, aren’t you?”

“Do I look like a Pony to you? No wings, no horn, no hooves. I just have Alicorn Magic, and I can’t even use it.”

Jaws dropped. Iron recovered first. “You have Alicorn Magic?”

“It’s not really mine, but I have it. No, I can’t show it to you.” I said quickly.

Moon Walk nodded. “Of course not. I’m sure that it goes without saying that we should keep this a secret.”

I snapped my fingers at her. “Exactly. No one needs to know besides us. Hell, I’m not really all that sure if I was allowed to tell you in the first place.”

Stalwart shrugged. “No problems here. I think I speak for everypony when I say that exposing a Prince’s secrets is against the best interest of Equestria as a whole.”

There were nods around the table and I went back to scooping stew with bread. “So if we can leave me alone, what happened with the rest of combat training?”

Stalwart, Day, Shaggy, and Moon looked at their bowls. Iron Hoof snorted. “Everypony except me got their flanks handed to them. I kept telling them that it’s because both of my parents were guards and they already taught me how to fight, but nopony wants to listen.”

“So the two people with actual training managed to take a round apiece?” I grinned.

Iron blushed and looked at her bowl while Stalwart smirked. “I think what our dear Hoofsy meant to say was that she just lost more slowly than everypony else. Boulder had her cousin, Standing Stone, handle her.”

I cocked my head. “Wait, is Stone Boulder’s cousin or Iron’s?”

A smile broke out on Stalwart’s face. “Both. Boulder is Iron’s second cousin.” He snickered.

I raised a brow at him. “Don’t the rest of you have family in The Guard?”

Stalwart stopped his nonsense and thought about it. “Well, I have a Night guard cousin, but he’s not an instructor.”

Day raised a hand. “My Mom was an instructor for a long time until she retired. She never actually taught me much more than the basics though.”

I gave her a wry look. “That’s probably because you start a lot of bullcrap with what you say. I’m sure we’d agree that you deserve to have your arse kicked with as much shit as you pull and get away with.”

Day blushed. “Do I really need to apologize for throwing a spoon at you?”

“Tch. Woman, you’re difficult. That’s all there is to it. You don’t need to apologize, but being less acerbic would make you a lot more likeable.”

She went back to eating her stew and Moon glared at me. “That wasn’t very nice.”

“Do I really need to apologize for speaking the truth?” I asked.

Moon nodded. “The mark of a good leader is knowing when to say something and when to hold their peace.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, I’ve said multiple times that I’m just a guard here-”

She shook her head. “You might just be a guard while training, but you’d still be a leader, even if you weren’t a Prince. You’ve just got a way with ponies that makes them look up to you, and being scolded by you carries more weight than being scolded by Boulder or Night Light.”

I raised a brow and looked around the table. Day was still staring at her soup while Stalwart and Shaggy were nodding. Iron was looking at me coolly, so I addressed the topic. “I’ll try to be nicer about it, but I’ll be damned if I don’t call any one of you out for your mistakes. I expect the same from all of you, so don’t feel like I’m picking on you or trying to throw my weight around.”

Stalwart waved a hand. “Nah dude, we all know that you’re not the kind of pony to say something without trying to get some kind of point across. Moon’s just being over-sensitive.”

Moon tossed a glare at him, but Iron spoke before she could. “You really are being soft, Moon. There shouldn’t be a pony at this table who can’t take honest criticism. Seriously, we’re all trying to become guards, save for Max, so we need to be able to take critique and use it to better ourselves. Even in Max’s case, it’ll be something useful to have.”

Day stirred her stew with a piece of bread. “It’s just different coming from Max, you know? He’s generally the guy who keeps his head up and drags you along with him when you start slowing down, so it feels to me like I really do need to stop being such a nag. I really don’t try to be, it’s just how ponies in Manehattan talk to each other.”

I nodded. “I understand that. My home country was notorious for being crass and blunt. Hell, when I first got to Equestria, I had to completely change the way I talk to people because you Ponies can be a lot more sensitive than my countrymen. It’s all well and good to trade barbed jokes, but throwing shit at each other is annoying and childish.”

Moon huffed. “Didn’t you threaten to eat her?”

I glared at her. “I’ll eat you too if you keep it up, and not in the fun way.”

Shaggy scratched his head. “Is there really a fun way to cannibalize somepony?”

Stalwart chuckled. “There is if you don’t actually take a bite.”

Iron hit him. “You’re such a pervert, you know that? Both of you, actually.”

I finished with my food. “I know you are but what am I?”

Moon huffed again. “Foalish.”

No one really had anything to say to that since she was rather correct, so the rest of my group finished with their food and we started socializing with Bronze’s group shortly after getting out dishes taken back to the Plate Return. I ended up answering a lot of the same questions that I’d answered for my group, but I wasn’t terribly upset about it or anything, so all was well and good, though I did cut my time in the Mess Hall by a little bit so I could read and reply to a few letters.

Since I had time to get this written out, I’m sure something else is going to happen that will make life suck until I can get a few more hours to myself and write this kinda stuff down, though in fairness, I really haven’t let my journals slip out of laziness. It’s just that trying to get them done while exhausted is a bitch and a half. I’d rather just keep it to my loved ones and whatnot. Either way, today was a little rougher than most, but still, I’m close to the end of the first week. A few days from now, Twilight’s allowed to come and visit me, so I’m looking forward to that, though I don’t know what kind of Hell Night Light is going to try and put me through or if he’s going to try and take the privilege away from me. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was that much of a fucking dick.

Negativity aside, I’m looking forward to seeing Twilight, though I wish Blue could have made it. I can’t blame her for having a busy schedule, but I can say that having someone come for me would be better than having no one come for me.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Like, five days later, the same bullshit I was expecting to happen did happen. We woke up an hour earlier than we usually did since Night Light was feeling like a bigger prick than usual, so after getting everyone up and moving, I only got out of the Barracks with fifteen seconds to spare before being late. It was no surprise to find that Night Light called me late anyway, but instead of just adding one extra lap, he added three , which wouldn’t have been a problem if it wasn’t still fucking dark out, or if we weren’t supposed to do it in full armor. He had a torch that he pointed at me and blinded me with every few minutes while I was running, ruining my night vision and making it hard to see where I was going. I started running into people when he did that shit, and by the time I’d completed my second extra lap, half of the recruits just didn’t want to be bothered with the extra work anymore, so it was practically just down to my group and Bronze’s. Once we were finished with all five of our laps, Night Light made everyone do two hundred push-ups because fuck that guy, though most of us could handle it. There were a few people who struggled with the last set and when a couple of the weaker people burnt themselves out on the last set, Night Light made me specifically do a hundred extra push-ups for the simple fact that I should ‘lead by example’. It was fucking bullshit and everyone knew it, but by this point, it was fully expected.

When we got to the Mess Hall, it wasn’t even fucking open since Night Light had gotten us up earlier than they ran, so guess what he had us do? Run the fucking track some more, of course. The sun finally came up and the lack of sleep was starting to take its toll, but Night Light only gave us a break in the form of jogging over to the training dummies. When we got there and got sorted out, he mixed in new strokes that he hadn't explained at all, and when someone messed it up in front of him, he acted like they’d just insulted his wife or something and even screamed at Shaggy for being ‘slow’ until the guy made a clumsy mistake and hit Night Light in the Ol’ Chap with the hilt of his sword. In fairness, Night Light was the fool who’d gotten too close to a guy he’d been berating for being sloppy as well as slow, but when Night Light got off of the ground, the only person he was blaming was Shaggy. And me, of course, since Shaggy was one of my group.

While we were going for our five laps, Shaggy apologized for getting me dragged into his punishment and I told him that it was completely worth it to know that someone had hit Night Light in the dick, even if it had obviously been an accident. Actually, other than just seeing his body language and hearing the honesty in his apologies, I would’ve known Shaggy didn’t mean to do it just by his nature alone. He was a healer, not a fighter, and that was quite obvious to me, though how Night Light had mistaken his carelessness for contempt, I’ll never know. Either way, Shaggy and I kept our pace up until the third lap, but even then we didn’t slow down too much and neither of us ever actually walked.

Upon returning to the place with all the dummies, Shaggy and I found Night Light and Boulder arguing, but no one else was in sight, so we alighted to the Mess Hall to avoid being called eavesdroppers or some shit. Granted, I’d heard a lot of the argument and knew that Boulder was calling Night Light out for wrangling everyone in the group together when he was only trying to punish me, but Night Light had been standing firm that early drills were a natural part of the process.

I explained what I’d heard to Shaggy and we agreed to keep it to ourselves since the Drill Sergeants were supposed to be a cohesive unit, working together better than they actually were. In any case, we got to the Mess Hall, had breakfast with our usual group and Shaggy got applauded for hitting Night Light in the pork sword with a real one. The guy really hadn't meant to do it and had said as much, but he still got plenty of praise from a lot of people.

Unlike dinner, breakfast was a quick affair that didn’t allow much time for talking, so after scarfing down some boiled eggs and a piece of toast, everyone was on their way back out onto the field to carry on with training. Boulder took over from there and had us run Combat Drills with instructors for a little while, though she herself taught me some stuff about grappling since I wasn’t really all that good at it. She didn’t break my face again and told me that she would let me carry out my visitation if I kept up the good work, so I tried not to palm her shoulder boulders while suplexing her.

Boulder was a capable combatant, and while we were sparring for fun rather than for punishment, we garnered a bit of an audience, even though neither of us were throwing any serious punches. Hell, I wasn’t even throwing high kicks, despite having protection on, so we were both just taking it easy up until Boulder tried to throw me. I wasn’t as heavy as her since I’m just generally less dense than Ponies, but I knew how to hold the fuck on and twisted my hips as she threw so I could land with a foot on the ground. I don’t like being thrown because frankly, I find it terrifying to be tossed through the air. That being said, I followed up with a powerful knee to the stomach to dissuade her from pulling that shit twice, but the padding diminished the blow and Boulder barely stumbled back. Still, we stopped before either of us could get terribly serious, though I felt like she’d be a good opponent for me.

Combat Drills always took a while, so it was a lot of people’s favourite form of punishment since there was a lot of off time. I, on the other hand, asked Boulder if I was going to get another shot at doing more drills and she told me that I wasn’t since I didn’t need it, so I asked if I could go make some whacks at one of the dummies and I was allowed to go do so. I just wanted to go make sure that my swinging arms were equally strong and that I wasn’t slacking off in any sense of the word, so I hammered away at one of the dummies until I could barely feel my hands and moved on to shield strikes with both arms until I felt comfortable enough with both to go full Steve Rogers on someone arse.

Dirge, as always, happened to be lurking around and started calling out sword strikes for me, so I drew the blunted blade and started whacking at the dummy according to his orders. He sped up a little bit at a time and I mixed in the odd extra stroke without really meaning to until he stopped giving orders, but just because he stopped didn’t mean that I was ready to. I threw a shield strike, two chaining swings and a final thrust into the dummy before sheathing my weapon and standing at attention. Dirge just complimented me on the lack of wasted energy in my movements and continued on with doing something else, so I followed him back to the main group. They were finishing up with combat drills, so there wasn’t much for me to do, though it seemed as though Night Light had come back as well. That was ‘nice’ and all, but my main focus was the fact that we’d yet to go through the obstacle course in full armour yet and I was certain that it was going to be our next task.

I was fucking right. Enough said on that particular subject. The monkey bars sucked because of the extra weight and quite a few people fell. Crawling through mud was more shitty because the mud got all up in your armour and slowed you down, so I was one of the slower people to that because of my over sized armour. The wall was just as easy as it had been before because I had feet instead of hooves, though having to use the rope still rankled me to no end. The drop on the other side was a little rougher than it had been, but it was still doable, but high-stepping through the hoops was probably the easiest thing for me. It wasn’t like my armour added an incredible amount of weight or anything, so I was able to tackle each hoop with relative ease, though vaulting over the high bar took a little more effort. I still managed to clear it, but I saw and heard that the people in front of and behind me didn’t manage too well with it.

Crawling on the rope upside down was a little sucky at best, and I nearly fell from it since I was a little on the clumsy side, I still managed to not be a complete fuck up, but I was hanging by my legs for a few seconds over the void. The cargo net was up next and that was nearly as easy as it had been before, though I was feeling a little tired from having rushed the last few obstacles. However, my footing was sure and my hands held their holds firmly, so I managed to clear it with no issues. Rappelling down the other side, however, had to wait until the person before me could finally get down, and once they did, it was a simple enough task, though the extra equipment made me land a little harder than I’d have liked. Still, I was fine after all of it and had finished earlier than expected, so I got to watch and wait for awhile as the rest of the cadets finished up with their runs of the course.

We had two more goes at the obstacle course and once those were through, Boulder and Night Light let us know (with evil grins on their faces) that we had an hour to clean our armour before they were going to inspect each and every piece, so I got my group together and we marched off toward the Barracks to start wiping the mud off before it could crust up on us. We all grabbed a bucket of water each and I cut apart a shirt I didn’t mind using as rags so we could get started, and once any one of us thought we were done, we all checked over each other’s work and often found something else to point out. Day was the one who cleaned the best since her shit didn’t have a single speck of mud left over, and I was next since my perception allowed me to spot the smallest bit of mud or discoloration. Iron’s naturally critical nature helped get Stalwart, Shaggy, and Moon on the right track, so once all of our sets of armour were cleared by the group, we took them to Boulder and Night Light for inspection.

When it came to everyone else’s armor, we’d only missed a single bit or so on the wearer’s side, but we’d only cleaned that side because we’d assumed that it was a part of cleaning the armor anyway. A few other people that had thought they were done before us had missed it completely and had to go do a lap for every square inch that was dirty. Some people ended up with more than ten laps, which was fucking brutal to say the least, but that’s what they get for trying to cut corners. My group, on the other hand, rarely even got a lap, though when Night Light tried to inspect my armour, Boulder stood shoulder with him and prevented him from inventing splotches that weren’t there. I got a lap since I’d missed a little spot near the arm pit, but when I told them that it was actually an imperfection in the armor that I’d tried to clean, they told me that I was going to have a lap anyway for being a smartass. That’s what I get for being right, yeah?

My group took Shaggy’s, Moon’s, and my own lap together, though we ended up sticking around with the people who had twelve laps so we could keep them company and keep their spirits up. It was fucking grueling at its best, and by the eighth lap, I was ready to fucking drop, but my team kept me going and we somehow managed to get all the way to the eleventh before people started passing out on the track. I wasn’t one of them, but there were a few of them, and once we circled back and saw that they weren’t getting up, I had my group stop and get them to the infirmary since heat-stroke is a serious bitch to be fucking with.

Night Light stormed over as I was helping lug someone off the track, and once he was in front of me, he stopped me and my group. “Maggots! What the buck do you think you’re doing!?”

I stood up as straight as I could with a guy on my shoulder. Panting heavily, I said, “Sir!... Getting these fellas… off the… track.”

“Who the buck said that you could do that!? Put. Them. Back!” He bellowed.

I set the fellow I was carrying down as gently as I could. I took a few moments to catch my breath and I heard my friends do the same. Night Light got in my face while I was taking a quick rest and practically hissed, “Pick them up. Put them on the track.”

I stared him down. “These people need to go to the infirmary.”

“These Ponies have another lap and they’re not getting off the track until they do it! Unless you want me to have you running laps until the Sun sets on Equestria, you’ll do as I say!” Night Light seethed.

We glared at each other for a moment. “Sir, I don’t think you’re taking heat-stroke or exhaustion into account. These people might not get back up if we leave them, sir.”

Night Light bore his teeth at me. “Do you think I don’t know that!? You and your foalish little group! Drop and give me fifty! Now!”

I backed up a little bit and maintained eye contact as I counted out my push-ups. My group chorused the count right along with me as I rose and fell up until Night Light came and straight up stomped the back of my head. I was fucking livid, but I wasn’t going to do anything at the moment. Someone evidently didn’t feel the same way because I heard Night Light get tackled, and when I got to one knee to see what was going on, I saw that it was actually two people on top of Night Light. Stalwart mounted his chest and Day kicked the ever-loving fuck out of his soft bits twice before I pulled her off of him. My sensitive nose picked up the scent of someone’s sick, so I told Day to chill the fuck out and ripped Stalwart off of Night Light with magic. I found out that it was Night Light’s sick I was smelling soon enough, and as he rolled over and started coughing like he was trying to clear it from his lungs, he was ill again while his hands went to his crotch and held his dangly bits.

I tsked and told Day and Stalwart to get our comrades to the infirmary while I stayed with Night Light since I figured Boulder would be by soon enough. There were still four downed trainees to take care of, so I had Moon, Shaggy, Stalwart, and Day take them to the infirmary and asked Iron if she could go find Boulder or Dirge and tell either of them to meet us there. She agreed because it was a reasonable request, so I picked up Night Light with my telekinesis by making a spiral shaped bed for him and lifted him off of the ground. The guy’s face was already swelling from Stalwart’s blows, and I figured that he was going to be regretting his actions for a while longer if the speed I had to walk at was anything to go by.

I had Shaggy and Moon put their wards on my psychic tentacle thing and though it taxed my mind, it was easier and a good deal faster than having them carry two people that were as heavy as they were. Sure, I was reaching the upper limits of what I could carry with my telekinesis in its tentacle form, but I didn’t know for sure that I could levitate them and walk at the same time. I decided not to try while making the rest of the trip to the infirmary, and in the ten minutes it took to get us there, I had developed a splitting headache to end all others, so I was feeling a little shit.

When we got there, I had Shaggy and Moon move their people so I could get Night Light onto a bed, though the nurse lady needed to have a word with me. “Woah, woah, woah! Why are there like, five new ponies in my infirmary!?”

I pinched the bridge of my nose and said, “Night Light had the four of them running laps until they were ill and collapsed. Night Light himself just pushed a few people a little too far.”

The nurse puckered her lips and narrowed her eyes. “Alright, you’re going to explain the last one, but for now, I want you to help me get these ponies some water, okay?”

I nodded and touched the back of my head which was still aching. I felt something wet and thought nothing of it until the nurse grabbed my hand and turned me around. “What in Tartarus- It’s Max, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. What’s wrong?”

“How did you get a gash on the back of your head the shape of somepony’s hoof?” She asked.

“I’ll explain when I tell you what happened to Night Light. Let’s get the others taken care of first, yeah?” I suggested.

“You have four friends in here that can help me with that. Have a seat and I’ll be right back after dealing with them.” She rushed off and came back with a pad of gauze. “Hold that to the wound for now, okay?”

I nodded and did as she intructed. “Will do.”

And so I had myself a seat on one of the beds and listened to Night Light’s strangled breathing for a little while, sort of wishing that I could heal his privates since I figured getting curbstomped in the berries was a lot worse that having someone lovingly place their hoof on your head. I say lovingly, but I’m told love hurts, so that’s why I said it. I thought it was witty… Fuck you. Anyway, my brilliance aside, Shaggy soaked up all the knowledge the nurse could give him in the current circumstance and copied her movements perfectly and eventually took over for half of the Ponies that had fallen out while running. Stalwart, Moon, and Day stuck next to me while the nurse and Shaggy finished giving water to those in desperate need, and once they were done, Shaggy mentioned that we’d all been running laps, though we hadn't fallen out like they had. Meanwhile, my headache was only growing and none of the usual tricks like rubbing my temples or pinching my nose were working, and I was starting to wear out rather quickly. I got close to dozing off before Day shook me hard, giving me a worried look and starting up a conversation that I lost track of from time to time.

The nurse came and inspected Night Light, asking him questions like where his pain was coming from and why his face was so swollen. He only answered one of those questions and asked for some painkilling magic which was swiftly applied, though it apparently wasn’t strong enough. Evidently Day had bruised one of his baby gravy producers quite severely and he was going to need a real doctor, so the nurse sent off a note with a bottle of Dragon Fire and told Night Light to hold tight for a few minutes until they could get a small team of Unicorns over to teleport him to the nearest hospital. The team came while Day was trying to keep the conversation going and she started asking me about Twilight. Little did she know, she stumbled onto my favourite topic.

While I was telling them about the time I got Twilight so frustrated with me that she threatened to stop giving me kisses for a full day and caved halfway through the next hour, the nurse came over and asked how I was feeling. I told her that I was feeling fine and asked why she was interested in my well being, which made her rather worried since pieces of my memory were just slipping away entirely. She inquired about what I’d been talking to my friends about and I told her that we’d been talking about my fiance, and up until she asked me to tell her some of the things I’d been talking about, I’d thought I was fine, if not a little sleepy. Apparently Night Light had gotten me good enough to concuss me, which started the conversation on how he and I had gotten hurt.

Day and Stalwart told her the story in turns, starting with the fainting people and ending with me pulling them off of Night Light. The nurse shook her head and told us that someone was either getting demoted or canned and that Stalwart and Day might be in some serious trouble for attacking a superior officer. I said that I would bid for them since they’d been acting in defense of me, and that was when Iron came in with the Dirge and Boulder. They asked what had happened and Stalwart told them since Day had taken a hard edge to her tone while talking to the nurse, and when he finished Dirge just nodded while Boulder fucking exploded about Night Light striking me while I was following orders. Dirge told her to cool it and asked me why I had my hand behind my head and I’d forgotten why I did at that point, so I held up the gauze and the thing was pretty nasty since head wounds bleed a lot anyway. There was veracity to my group’s story, and Dirge assured me that Night Light would be losing his job over this, but I waved that aside and told him that I just wanted Night Light to stop being an Instructor while I was training since he obviously couldn’t restrain his hatred for me.

Boulder disagreed with me strongly. “Max, I understand that Night Light is your father-in-law, but this has to end somewhere. If he’d hit you any harder, we might not even be having this conversation.”

I shooed her words away like they were pesky gnats. “I’d heal if it was any worse just as well as I will from this little scratch. Really, Night Light only hates me because I’ve been giving his daughter kisses and… Some other reason, I think…” My head throbbed until I got an idea. “Oh! I flirt with his wife! I don’t mean it, but I don’t think he likes it.”

Day raised a hand. “Pretty sure you said it was because you disappeared for two years.”

I gave her an odd look. “I did?” It clicked. “Oh. Oh yeah, that’s why he hates me now! We used to be cool, but I went away on a mission for a long time and couldn’t keep in touch with Twilight!”

Dirge shook his head. “You’re not in the right mind to be having this conversation.”

I flapped my hand back and forth. “Nah, I’m good mate. Just run what we were talking about by me one more time and we’ll pick up where we left off, yeah?”

Boulder snorted. “Night Light stomped your head and now your short term memory is shot. Night Light really has gone too far. You were following orders and looking out for your fellow guards-ponies. He had no reason to strike you.”

Dirge nodded. “I agree. Day and Stalwart were justified in making sure that he didn’t cause you further harm. Besides, somepony has to take the fall for this.”

Stalwart raised a hand. “Captain, who else would? Night Light was in the wrong.”

The older man raised a brow. “You would, of course. You assaulted a superior officer. You should be happy I haven’t kicked you out of the guard already and banned you from coming back.” He looked at me. “You’re the party who was injured, here. What do you say? Does Night Light lose his job, or do Stalwart and Day lose their chance at a fulfilling career?”

I cocked my head at him. “Mate, I’m not hurt. I’ve got a headache , but I’m fine otherwise. Why would Night Light lose his job anyway?”

Dirge rolled his eyes and pulled my hand away from the back of my head, showing me why Night Light was getting fired. “That. Nurse! Get this stallion some more gauze or stop the bleeding!”

The nurse scurried over and I kept talking while she worked. “So it’s either my family who hates me or my friends that like me?”

Dirge shrugged. “That’s what it boils down to.”

I looked to Stalwart and Day. “So what will you two do if you can’t become guards?”

Stalwart sighed. “I go back to Hooverton and live with my parents until I find private security work. I’ve always wanted to be a Guard of Equestria, Max. It’s been my dream ever since I was a foal, and I can’t say I have a backup plan at all.”

I looked to Day and she said, “I’d have to go into the family business. We help mass produce mid fashion and whatever. It’s not the most glamorous thing, but it’s good enough money to live on comfortably until my brother kicks me out of the business.”

I sighed. “Wow, things got depressing real quick. Why would you guys wanna quit the guard?”

I noticed that I was getting stares from everyone around my bed. “...Did I say something?”

The nurse finished wrapping my head up. “You’re concussed, sweetheart. Try and stay still for a little while. Honestly, you ponies need to either let him get his bearings or do that freaky fast-healing thing he does until he can pull himself together enough to actually follow along with what you’re saying. “

“Who says I can’t do that now? It’s not like I’m not paying attention.” I said petulantly.

“Night Light stomped your head.” Boulder said.

“Fuck would he do that for?” I asked.

“Nopony knows, and when he gets back, I’ll ask.” Dirge said gruffly. “Until then, I’ll send your visitor here. Stalwart? Day? Your visitation will be cut in half for today until a real verdict is reached.”

My group saluted as Dirge left, and once he was gone, Boulder had a seat on my bed. “It’s a damn shame you keep getting hurt because of Night Light.”

I shrugged. “I knew he was going to put me through Hell before I came here. I’ve dealt with it so far. The guy can only do so much before he gets himself fired.”

Boulder sighed. “He just got himself fired. Seriously, Max. Once you’ve got your head on straight and you’re alone, Dirge and I are coming back to talk to you about what’s happening with Night Light.”

I cocked my head. “What? Didn’t we already talk about him?”

She shook her head, got up, and left without another word. My head was still throbbing, so I looked around at my friends and started asking about why I was in the infirmary and they told me that I just needed to rest for a little bit, so I told them that I’d be meditating right where I was sitting for a little bit if anyone needed me. They all got up and went to visit some of the other people in the room who were finally starting to come to while I was positioning myself to go into the mindscape. After closing my eyes and taking three breaths, I was back in the mindscape and I came in to see Noir working a punching bag like it owed her money and was a year late on payments.

Besides the mild amount of scarousal that came from seeing such a powerful woman work out, I was feeling pretty normal, so I conjured up a stool and just watched her for a little bit. I’d done enough of my own training and would likely do some more when I got back, so I was pretty content to just wait until she felt like taking a break. Really, it was a pleasure to see Noir in action, and until you see it for yourself, you’ll never know what I’m talking about. The way she chains combos together like an endless flow and adds in kicks, knees and elbows all without using a full finisher while maintaining finishing-blow lethality… It’s violent poetry in motion, like one of Homer’s epics, or a Skald’s stories. Either one fit the bill quite well.

As I was watching and thinking about some of Noir’s techniques, I decided to try and emulate it for myself, but before I could start, she held her punching bag still and gestured for me to come over. Once I was next to her, she gave me a sweaty hug that smelled strongly of tasty cobbler, but when I licked her, she didn’t taste like it much. Granted, I licked her sports bra, but still. When Noir let me go, I saw that she’d had a picture taped to the punching bag. Well, multiple, actually, but whatever it was had been worn away by her fists over some time.

“Hullo, Blackberry. How long have you been at it?” I asked.

“A few hours now. How is your head?” Noir asked politely.

“Achy, but I’ll be good when I got back. It shouldn’t bleed for that much longer anyway. Who were the pictures of?”

“Night Light. Kicking you while you were literally down because of something he told you to do was dirty and underhanded. If it were me and I were not bound to your oath of non-retaliation, he would have a leg broken beyond what even Celestia could repair.”

I sighed. “Really now. I’d like a piece of him myself, but it wasn’t that serious-”

Noir held up a hand. “You say it was not that serious because you keep telling yourself that it was not. Night Light deserves prison time for the treason he has wittingly committed.”

I gave her an odd look until I realized that I was a Prince. “Oh yeah, I’m royalty now. I keep forgetting about that since no one tries to treat me like it. Still, I’m not going to charge him with treason and I doubt Twilight is either, so we’ll have at least two royals on our side if Celestia or Luna want to indict him.”

My mentor scoffed. “You should indict him anyway. The fool needs to learn that attacking you is a terrible idea.”

I shook my head. “A lesson he’s already learned. I’m sure that not being able to breathe correctly for about thirty minutes humbled him quite well.”

“You never know. He could have a particularly hard head since he persisted in coming after you, despite having lost rank for doing so already. Honestly, Maximus, you’ve given the man chance after chance to show that he is better than the grudge he bears against you, yet he persists in spitting on your patience with scorn and spite.” Noir huffed.

“I know, Blackberry. Trust me, I know. I’m not saying that I’m okay with the bullshit he’s pulled, but he’s supposed to be my father-in-law. Maybe if I stay Twilight’s path, he’ll see that I really am a good guy for her.” I sighed.

"If you stay Twilight’s path, he is going to kill you.” Noir said bluntly.

I gave her a look. “When you say shit like that in a normal voice, it makes me think you’re being serious so knock it off.”

“If this was not Celestia’s Equestria, Night Light would have killed you already.”

“I know that, you grim bitch.”

“That is all I was saying.” Noir sniffed.

“Again, don’t be unnecessarily grim. While we’re on the topic of changing topics, do you wanna cuddle or something? I can’t imagine I’ll get much time to do it for a few more days unless you want to deal with me after a full day of bullshit-”

“Actually, one way or another, you will no longer be dealing with Night Light in any capacity.as far as your training goes. Did you forget that Dirge has promised to relieve him of his job?”

“Tch. Wasn’t really the intention here to be honest with you. I just want the fucker to leave me alone, not lose his job. He’s spent years building his career-”

Noir scoffed. “Only to throw it away with his own hands by assaulting a Prince of his nation and a trainee under his guidance. Night Light should have been fired for making you fight Swift Strike by the Equestrian laws, but he was not. Night Light was given his second chance and he used it to attack you. Hold no pity for the man, Maximus.”

“I don’t, it’s just that he’s Twilight’s dad. I mean, how am I supposed to tell her I got Night Light fired?” I asked.

She scoffed again. “By no action of your own did you make Night Light strike you, nor did you influence his decisions. He made his bed. Allow him to lie in it on his own rather than assume fault for someone else’s choices.”

I sighed, nodding. “I know I should, but still. I don’t look forward to the visit as much as I did yesterday.”

“Under Night Light’s watch, you would not have gotten it anyway. This worked out for the best since Twilight will be allowed to see you. Speaking of that wonderful little lover of yours, it would not surprise me to find that she will come by shortly. I have not been altering time while you have been here, so it is a real possibility that she will come while you are meditating.”

“Right. Until she does come, is there something you want to do? I can’t imagine that I’ll be too productive on that front, but I’ll be happy to find something to do if there’s nothing you want to practice.”

Noir raised a finger and we appeared in a familiar clearing. A large-ish rope circle was laid out in the middle and standing in that circle was Swift Strike himself. “Fight him until you win. Cheat if you must, but win nonetheless.”

I sighed and started heading toward the circle. “This is why I don’t visit as often as I should. You always want me to fight something, or to beat and abuse me, or to-”

“Shut up and fight, yes?” Noir interrupted.

I huffed and stepped into the circle before limbering up to make sure that I wouldn’t pull anything while fucking around with the construct. I severely hoped that it wouldn’t be as strong as Swift himself, though that was proven wrong pretty quickly, and when I started losing, I kicked the construct in the dick rather hard a couple times and broke its arm at the elbow since it had offered no resistance in the time it took me to grab its appendage. I looked back at Noir before wrapping my arms around its neck and choking it out to finish things for good and she gave me a look.

“That was cheap.” She said, walking toward me.

“You said I could cheat. I cheated.” I said simply.

“...I am glad I am not a male. Or tangible in the real world.”

“You could be if you put your mind to it. Just take my body over one of these days, my precious brain leech, and experience the world anew, thousands of years later.” I said in a grandiloquent manner.

“We have discussed the matter of me taking over your body.” Noir pointed out.

I rolled my eyes. “You know I wasn’t being serious. What else do you want to do? Have you tried taking Swift on for yourself?”

Noir shook her head. “I knew better people that use the same style. It would be fun for a few moments, dodging his punches, but I could best him easily by either beating him down or sending a counter that would end his face.”

“Savage. Can we do some archery or something? I know it’s not really a guard kinda skill, but I’d like to have it, just in case.”

She rolled her eyes at me. I got offended “Don’t look at me in that tone of voice, woman!”

“I’ll look at you however I please, and speaking of people looking at you, the nurse is trying to get your attention. Your mind still hasn’t healed yet, so return once you are finished with her business.”

I nodded and headed back to reality for a little bit since reasons and talked with the nurse for a little bit. It was disconcerting since I was forgetting things after a few minutes again, but everything seemed normal enough to me until she let me know that she could probably fix my concussion with a little help from whoever had fixed my jaw. She said that she would let me use her Dragon Fire if I could get them over here for a moment, so I agreed and wrote out a letter to Celestia explaining what had happened to the best of my abilities and asked her to come and fix me if she had the time. One of my top four princesses came by and healed me as I’d asked, though she swore up and down that Night Light would get his just desserts up until I asked her not to do anything. Instead of having Celestia resolve the issue, I wanted to wait until Twilight came by so we could ask her how she wanted things to be handled, but Celestia said that that we could decide ourselves since it was well within my right to have Night Light arrested, even if I hadn't been a prince.

The thing was, I just didn’t like the guy. I guess I got used to his bullshit over the course of a week or so, but I couldn’t find it within myself to return his hatred or anger. Night Light just didn’t strike me as someone who was all that important in the grand scheme of my life, and I know that it’s kinda fucked up for someone to think that about one of their in-laws, but Night Light fucking sucked. I didn’t have to deal with him any longer than I wanted to and I could end the guy at any moment because I’m just that much stronger than him, but I restrained myself. There was a different kind of dignity in letting someone treat you like trash when you know full well that you could hack them to death in less than two seconds and hide the fact that they existed from everyone with a few words.

Oh, I’d thought about ‘nullifying’ NIght Light before, but I liked the fact that he pushed me harder than anyone else was willing to up to a certain point. It was difficult, yeah, but a week and a half ago, I never would have been able to run eleven laps without dropping like one of the others. Call it my insane growth rate or my newfound temperance, but I just think I’m a little better off since I had to deal with someone I couldn’t absolutely humiliate or destroy for once. It’s weird to think that I actually had the patience to hold my tongue and stay my hand for as long as I did.

I shared these thoughts with Celestia and she listened as I meandered from topic to topic. When I finished, she weighed in and asked if she could trust me to handle diplomatic relations like I was handling the non-aggression part with Night Light. I shrugged and tod her that it really just depended on who did what and she sighed, telling me that I’d missed the biggest part of the question. I let her know that I understood it fully and that there wasn’t anything I’d missed, but unless Twilight asked me specifically to handle something a certain way, I was probably just going to snark my way through it. Celestia didn’t like that at all and I told her that if she wanted me to handle something how she wanted it to be handled, that I would try and give it a shot since I can be less than a prick when I feel like it.

While we were talking, I felt my necklace throb next to my heart and I couldn’t help the smile the formed on my face. I hopped off of the Infirmary bed and grinned brilliantly, waiting for Twilight to come through the doors. Celestia smiled and put a hand on my shoulder, asking me to have a talk with Dirge later regarding Night Light and I told her that I would since I was already slated to do so. Twilight came in and rushed over to me, ignoring Celestia completely.

“Max! Oh amour, are you okay? Somepony told me that you were hurt and directed me here, but-” Twilight said rapidly.

I hugged her and she trailed off. “I’m okay, Twilight. I really am. I just had a disagreement with someone who’s not too shy about putting things where they don’t belong.”

Celestia coughed. “I’m sure you two could use some time alone. If you want, I can carry a message to Dirge and tell him that you’ll be spending your two hours elsewhere.”

I let Twilight go, but held onto her hands. “If you wouldn’t mind, that would be lovely. I think I’d like to spend my time with my fiance somewhere less clinical.”

Twilight hugged me again, but didn’t say anything, so Celestia said, “Perhaps you could save the news for after your visitation with Twilight? She should remain here for it, but I suggest waiting.”

I nodded. “Of course.” I looked down at Twilight. “Have you already seen all the guard training stuff?”

“A few times.” She said cautiously. “What’s the news you’re talking about?”

I sighed and gave her a smile I wasn’t really feeling. “I’ll tell you in about two hours. Is there somewhere you want to go while we have the time together? I wouldn’t mind going on a date or something.”

“Ahem.” Celestia coughed. “You might want to unwrap your head before leaving the Training Grounds.”

I reached up and just pulled the gauze off and Twilight gasped when she saw the blood. “Max! Are you sure you’re okay? I don’t mind staying here so you can rest a little while longer.”

“I’m fine, cherry. Celestia just patched me up the rest of the way so now I just need to run it by the nurse so we can get going.” I assured her.

Celestia nodded, so Twilight cast a spell and I felt my hair start doing something. “There. Back to your normal wavy nonsense.” She beamed.

I reached up and felt it. “Was it messed up or something?”

“It looked awfully silly.” Twilight said solemnly. “A Princess can’t be seen with a silly maned Prince after all.”

I rolled my eyes and kissed her. I’d only meant it to be a peck, but Twilight didn’t quite want to let me go, and I felt the same way about her, so we kissed for a few more seconds before breaking away, wordlessly promising that we would catch up on lost time in a few more minutes. Celestia told us that she was going to go back to Day Court and we wished her well, and with Celestia gone, all we had to do was talk to the nurse and she discharged me after a quick enough test to make sure I was actually reasonably conscious. I gave goofy answers to her questions on purpose and she almost made me stay out of spite, but Twilight teleported us to her old room in the castle anyway and thus we started making out. It wasn’t restrained at all and we both wrestled for dominance, but as usual, I won out and Twilight submitted to my will, so I got a little handsy since I’d been missing her something fierce. She stopped me while I was palming one of her breasts and took the opportunity to tell me that she wanted to keep things above the waist, so I asked her if I could fondle her wings for a little bit and her face lit up like I’d correctly guessed what she’d wanted all along.

I had Twilight pull up a chair and I sat on her old bed so we could get started and I had her sighing like she actually needed the massage. I was pretty sure that my grip was a bit firmer than it had been before I started the training, so when I actually tried to work out her larger joints, she squirmed and wiggled in her seat. It didn’t hurt at all when I tried locating the largest clusters of nerves and found a couple of little bumps that were in a place I probably never would have thought to look. I massaged them gently at first and Twilight let loose her first real moan, so I increased the pressure and she started twitching in the most adorable way before turning back to face me, biting her lip. I thought it would be a nice time to apply a bit more force and she closed her eyes, panting as I worked the little nodes harder than I had before, and when she was getting close to the climax, I stopped and started inspecting my nails because I was sure that I had some kind of dirt or whatever under them. Twilight whipped her head around and stared me down, so I smiled and waved after a moment and when back to doing what I was doing.

“Amo~ur!” Twilight crooned.

“Che~rry.” I replied with a grin.

“Can you go back to doing what you were doing? Please?” She asked.

I reached forward and took her wings in my hands, running my fingers through her feathers. “Since you asked so nicely, I suppose I could finish what I started.”

I continued where I left off, but I had Twilight moaning again in mere minutes. When I saw that she was teetering on the brink, I started toying with her because it was amusing, and I did so by gently rubbing the two little nodes I’d found earlier rather softly.

“Max! Please!” My fiance whimpered.

I smiled widely. “Please what, cherry?”

“Please just do it already!” She urged.

“Hmm. Are you sure?” I teased.

She let out a frustrated groan, and as she went to speak, I gripped her wing joints like I was roleplaying as a vice and Twilight cried out loudly, spasming hard. I didn’t want to hurt her, so I followed her wings wherever they twisted and jerked, and when they started drooping off to her sides, I let go of them and hugged her for a little while. She still smelled like the shortbread wine, so I sat on the bed with my legs spread and picked Twilight up from her chair with telekinesis so she could join me. Once she was in front of me, I folded her wings for her and wiggled my face through them so I could rest my lips against the base of her neck like I’d been doing when Cadance and Shining teleported into my house so rudely. I really just liked the position, to be honest.

My finace reached up and ran her hand through my hair for a few moments before holding my hands around her waist. “I really miss you, Max. I don’t know how I’m supposed to make it through a full month without seeing you again.”

I hummed, letting the vibrations resonate through my nose. “We’ll find a way, cherry. Things will be okay, and when I come back, we’ll cuddle all day and nothing is going to stop that from happening.”

Twilight leaned away from my head and kissed my cheek. “I’ll hold you to that, you know.”

“I know. I expect you to.” I started kissing her neck.

“Mmm, as much as I like that, I don’t think we’ll have time.”

“So you just wanted me to get you off and you were planning leaving me hanging?” I jibed.

“...When you say it like that, I sound really selfish…” Twilight said, pulling away.

I held her still. “I would’ve said something earlier if I really minded. I wouldn’t ask you to do anything right now anyway. I’ve been sweating all day and I’m super gross.”

She shuddered. “I know I can smell it on you and it’s…”

“Gross?” I guessed.

“Enticing.”

“That’s better than gross. A lot better.”

“I don’t know why, but you always smell really good for some reason. Even when you smell like a Pony, you still have this different scent to you that I know a lot of mares like.” Twilight said.

Seriously? “Really? Do you know what I smell like?”

“It’s kind of like a cologne, but it’s really unique and it gets a lot stronger after you sweat. I know I wouldn’t mind seeing if you taste like it, but again, time constraints.” Twilight sighed.

“Huh. I thought you always smelled pretty good in general myself.”

“As a mare maybe, but as a stallion, I just hate the smell of my… stuff.” She shuddered.

“And my stuff actually tastes good?”

Twilight blushed hard. “Well, it’s a lot thicker than mine and it does taste… Well…” She trailed off.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed about liking the taste of your lover. I know that ever since you started tasting like wine more often, I’ve been enjoying that. Don’t get me wrong; I like it when you taste like grapes, but when you taste like wine, I just want more.”

My fiance rested against my chest. “It’s nice to know that you like me for the way I taste and not just because of my body.”

“I also like you because of the way that you smell. Sure, I thought you were an alcoholic for awhile, but you know. Small things don’t matter much and all that.”

Twilight twisted around to look at me. “Wait, are you saying that I smell like wine too?”

I blinked at her. “Yeah. You smell like a really sweet wine, but you taste like dry wine. I like the way you smell.”

Twilight looked at me and sniffed herself. “I think I just smell like any other pony. I mean, it’s a little warm out, but other than that…”

I raised a brow. “All of the Ponies I’ve met have a signature scent or something like that, just like you all taste different.”

“...Really? And I smell like wine?”

“When you’re not wearing that God-awful perfume.”

“The girls and I spent hours trying to find that perfume!” Twilight grumbled.

I rolled my eyes. “It’s not that it smells bad,” Though it’s fucking terrible anyway, “it’s just too damn strong. You’re forgetting that my sense of smell is a lot stronger than yours. I can usually track you down based on your smell. Not that I ever have to because of our necklaces, but still.”

“...So you like the way I smell naturally?” Twilight inquired evenly.

“Yes, I do. I even like the smell of your sweat, kind of like how you like mine. It’s a little different than your usual thing, but it’s just as enjoyable.”

“Huh. I guess I should’ve asked why you didn’t want me to wear it instead of assuming that you just didn’t like it.”

I licked her cheek and earned myself a womanly look. “That’s why you don’t make assumptions, my love.”

Twilight hit my chest before resting against me again. “Something something asses, right?”

“Woman, did you just ‘something something’ me? I’ll spank you for such treachery!” I said playfully.

Twilight huffed. “You’d spank me for stepping on your ‘foot’, if anything then just for a chance to touch my flank.”

“Yeah, and?”

She wrapped my arms around her waist and twisted to look at me. “I love you. Quirks, perks, and all.”

“I love you too, cherry. You’ve got more perks than quirks, but I guess I’ll have to dock points for you not being blue.” I sighed comically.

“You’re not even a real colour most of the time! You’re like, off white!” Twilight protested.

“Am I your favourite colour?” I asked.

“I don’t think you’re anypony’s favourite colour.”

“Then you can’t be offended that you’re not mine.”

“I never said I was, I’m just saying that docking points for something I can’t control makes you sound an awful lot like my Dad and brother.”

“Ew. I don’t wanna be either of those guys. No offense.” I added.

“Some taken to be honest with you, but I understand why you wouldn’t want to be. Speaking of, how has training under my Dad been going? I know you don’t really like to talk about it, but I’m sure it’s not all that bad, right?” Twilight said hopefully.

“Again, we’ll talk about that in a little bit. For now, let’s just keep the cuddles going and let me kiss you a few more times. It feels like it’s already been a month since I’ve seen you.” I kissed her cheek, but she scooted off of the bed shortly after and crawled back on to face me.

“Max, why are you being so evasive when it comes to talking about my Dad?” Twilight asked suspiciously.

“I don’t want to ruin the time we’re spending together is all. I just want to spend a little time with my fiance and not worry about stupid bullshit for a chance, so-”

“Amour.” She said firmly.

I sighed. “Yes, Cherry?”

“Did my Dad put you in the infirmary?”

I groaned and fell back. “Why do you have to ask questions? Why is it so hard to just let me be happy for two hours?”

“Max… I…” Twilight said, distraught.

“Look, Twilight. It’s really not your fault, so don’t feel bad over it, okay? Me beating up Night Light for pulling bullshit would’ve just ended worse for me-”

“How long has he been hurting you, Max?” Twilight asked softly.

I sighed and sat up, looking at her sadly. “Today is the only day he ever actually put hands on me. There was another time where he had me fight an instructor that ended up with me having a fractured jaw, a broken nose and a couple cracked teeth, but Celestia fixed all of that like she fixed the stuff today.”

“And what about training? He’s been harder on you than on anypony else, hasn’t he?”

“It’s really better for me than it is bad. Being pushed to my limits every day has made me grow that much faster.” I gave her a crooked smile.

Twilight shook her head. “You’re putting a positive spin on it so I won’t feel bad about telling you to effectively pipe down while my Dad’s been doing his best to torture you…”

I took her chin and kissed her gently. “Cherry, it’s okay. I’ve only got three more days of Boot Camp left and Night Light isn’t going to be in any of them anymore, so don’t worry about that too hard.”

Twilight put a hand on my chest. “How did he hurt you this time?”

“I was lugging some recruits that had passed out on the track to the infirmary with some of my new friends and Night Light told us to put them back. I refused-”

“Wait, my dad told you to put unconscious ponies out in this heat?”

“Yeah. They passed out while running, which is why I was taking them to the infirmary in the first place.”

“What.”

I nodded. “Yeah. May I continue?”

Twilight shook her head to clear it. “Please do. You were saying that my father is a terrible pony.”

“Only when it comes to me. So I was refusing to put the people back on the field and he ordered me and my pod to do some push-ups. We got down and did a few before he stomped the back of my head.”

“...Did he really?” She asked quietly.

I nodded again. “Yeah. Two of my friends ended up attacking him because of it and he got sent to the hospital with a severely bruised berry.”

My fiance looked at me funny. “A bruised berry?”

“He got kicked between the legs hard enough to make him immobile for a good while.” I explained.

Twilight sat down next to me and squeezed her hands between her thighs. “Ow…”

“Oi, he shouldn’t have stomped me.” I shrugged. “In my defense, I pulled my crew off of him before they could hurt him any worse.”

“...That was nice of you, but I’m kind of surprised that you did. I would think that you would let him take his punishment.”

“I was tempted, but you told me not to retaliate against him. Letting other people do it for me would’ve been violating the spirit of our agreement, even if it wasn’t violating the cold-hard terms.”

Twilight looped her arm through mine and laid her head on my shoulder. “Thank you, amour. There’s the honest, trustworthy stallion I know and love.”

This honest, trustworthy ‘stallion’ almost broke his face anyway. “You know you’re going to have to learn to say ‘man’ and generally come over to my mode of speech when you start handling diplomatic affairs, yeah?”

Twilight sighed dejectedly. “You say that, but I don’t think I’ll ever get to handle anything like that. Going back to the subject we were talking about, thank you for keeping your word. It really does mean a lot to me that you stayed true, even while my dad was putting you through Tartarus.”

I squeezed her hand. “You asked. That’s all you ever need to do. Maybe you need to do it two or three times, but I’ll do my best when I have something specific to do.”

“Max, if I asked you not to hurt anypony else-

“I wouldn’t agree.” I interrupted.

She was silent for a long moment. “Even if I offered you something I’d normally never let you have?”

“It’s just not in my nature to be a peaceful person, Twilight. I might be more of a lover than a fighter, but I’ll never stop protecting myself and my loved ones.”

“That’s not what I’m asking, Max. I’m asking you to stop picking fights.”

“Cherry, I rarely ever do. I think the last fight I actually started was like, back when I got drunk and started throwing punches at Applejack or the time I had to fight that Dragon, but even then I had to fight him for the right to bring Spike home.” And he started that anyway.

“...Maybe I just see things differently. It just doesn’t make sense for a pony who fights as much as you do to not be picking them himself.”

I shrugged and her head bobbed along with the movement. “Ponies are racist, Dragons are pricks, Dogs are foolish, and Changelings are sadistic cunts. Oh yeah, Chrysalis was the last fight I picked, but then again, she egged me on to the extreme… I guess you could say I picked fights with Gryphons, but those weren’t really fights…” I stopped talking.

“...Let’s not talk about that and go back to the Guard Barracks. I’m sure you wouldn’t mind introducing me to some of your friends, right?”

I cracked a small smile. “Yeah, I’d like that. Are we-”

Teleporting was supposed to be the next word out of my mouth, but we teleported and I finished that sentence in the infirmary. I gave Twilight a look for teleporting in the middle of a sentence since I’d asked her not to do that multiple times and she gave me a sheepish smile. We just left that where it lie and I took her to the Mess Hall since that was supposed to be where we were holding Visitor’s Day anyway and when we got there, I was mobbed by the rest of my group and a good bit of Bronze’s, including Bronze Stud himself. Up until people realized who Twilight was, she was treated like a normal person, but when I introduced Twilight as my fiance, the people who knew me immediately dropped and kneeled before my woman. I told them to get up before they caused a scene, but the damage was already done.

Soon enough, the entire room was kneeling before Twilight and she let me know that this happened more often in the past than it had in the last few months. She told everyone to rise and to continue doing what they’d been doing while I just sat there being salty that no one respected me enough to listen to my royal commands. Twilight held my hand and I reintroduced her as my fiance while forgoing the Princess bit entirely, though my groups visitors were still reverent and respectful of myself and Twilight. They were only respectful to me when Twilight pointed out that I was a Prince just as much as she was a Princess, but Princes just don’t garner the same level of respect in Equestria and that irks me a bit.

Twilight and I joined Iron, Shaggy, Moon, and their respective visitors for the rest of the time we had together. Iron brought her parents, Shaggy brought his aunt and uncle, and Moon brought her brother. I met each of them for a moment and they all seemed like pleasant people, though Mountain Mix was just happy to see me again. It had been a long time since I put Blueballs on his arse and the guy had missed the ballsy upstart with no respect for station or status. I couldn’t blame him since I am the fucking greatest after all, though I had to tell him that I’d finally gotten my arse kicked while in The Guard and he asked if I’d gotten my revenge. Shaggy being Shaggy told him that I won in the next round and that I’d done pretty well for someone who’d been knocked out for nearly half a minute and I just had to smile and take the backhanded compliment.

All too soon, visitation ended and so began our day of rest. Sure, we’d done exercises beforehand, but it’s not like Dirge was going to allow us to have a full day to ourselves. I spent my time writing to Blue, Trixie, Fluttershy, and Pinkie since they’d been keeping up a decent correspondence with me. I think Pinkie and Fluttershy had gotten their own bottles of Dragon Fire since Spike was old enough to make lasting flames now, so it was nice that Blue and Trixie could go to either of them to send their letters instead of waiting to see Spike himself again. Actually, I think Trixie had been meaning to ask about getting Spike to make her a jar of her own, but I don’t remember if she’d gotten around to it.

After I got my letters written and responded to a few of them, I took my time in getting over to Dirge’s office and found that the fellow was doing more goddamn paperwork, so I sat and waited for him to finish what he was doing. He looked at me and said that Celestia had ordered Night Light to be fired and I just shrugged and told him that I’d come to the same conclusion since my friend’s careers hung in the balance. Night Light had made his own mistakes and deserved what he got for them, though when Dirge said that he was being dishonorably discharged, that twinged a little bit. I didn’t like the fact that I’d practically branded the fellow with shame for the rest of his life, but he’d done it to himself and I didn’t really feel all that bad to be completely honest. I mean, the guy had been trying to torture me and make me give up for the past week to no avail and I just felt like he was a massive prick for it. I understood his motive, but now Shining Armour just had one more reason to hate me and I was sure that having all of the males in Twilight’s family despise me wasn’t a good thing. It sure didn’t sound like it.

Dirge switched tack and asked how my visit with Twilight had gone and I told him that it had gone rather well. I’d gotten the affection I’d wanted and I got to see her before I started the next leg of my training, so I felt rather good about the day and how it had gone so far and he told me that I was either a happy-go-lucky idiot or that I was extremely patient. There was a need to explain why I wasn’t fucking pissed, so I did and Dirge nodded like he understood, though I could tell that he thought my reasoning was a little off. Still, it’d gotten me through Night Light’s bullshit, so no one was going to dissuade me from saying that I’d taken the high road for once.

Once I was done with Dirge, he sent off a letter and told me to meet with Boulder in the Mess Hall, so I gave him the proper farewell and fucked off to go do the thing he’d told me to do. When I got there, I arrived at the same time as Boulder, so we had a chat outside and she told me that she wanted me to finish up with Guard training already. I asked her why and she told me that I was already a good candidate for an officer with my physicality and leadership abilities and she just felt like there wasn’t much else she could do for me. I politely told her that I really was here to get more fit and she said that I’d proven that I was in good shape by running eleven laps straight, even though I wasn’t a pony. I hadn't known that there were a couple of Gryphons, a Dog or two, and even a Naga in the Night Guard and that they hadn't been able to keep up with the ponies like I was. Boulder had been basing my performance off of the Gryphon she’d trained and one of the Dogs she herself had trained with and she was impressed with my perseverance since I ran out of petrol but still kept going.

It was weird to think that I’d already come so far in such a short amount of time, but then again, my growth rate was fucking astounding anyway ever since I came back from Earth. I was going to have to write Twilight and ask if I’d seemed more muscular to her, but that could wait until after I finished up with Boulder. The older woman finished up by saying that she thought that the only way that she was going to make me any tougher way by making a new regimen for me and I groaned, asking if I could train some more before I just cut my time with The Guard short. Boulder asked me why I didn’t want to just go and train with Luna, the most combat efficient of all the Princesses of Equestria and I explained that Luna was a sadistic trainer and that she’d teamed up with my even more sadistic mentor to come up with a routine that would undoubtedly make me suffer more than Night Light could ever hope since both of them knew how much punishment I could take before breaking physically. My mentor knew how much I could take before breaking mentally, but I just had to hope that she didn’t share that information with Luna, just in case she decided to test my limits.

Boulder asked why I was so afraid of training with Luna, citing my status as a Prince as some sort of buffer for Luna’s wrath. I let her know that Luna was probably one of the harshest teachers on the planet due to her draconian methods, if not because of her old fashioned ways. Boulder asked what I meant and I told her that while my mentor was millennia older than Luna, she’d collaborated with the younger woman to make me a regimen of Hell that would forge me into the perfect light weapons expert, at least, it would make me good with a sword and shield. I still didn’t see how my skills were supposed to carry over to into my twin daggers, but it wouldn’t surprise me if it was just some Mr. Miyagi type shit.

We talked some more about training and different ways to work out until Boulder told me to go do something I actually felt like doing since I had some time, so I asked her if she ever had time to see her family. She gave me an odd look and asked why I was curious, so I expounded upon my reasons, stating that training fuckers to do shit had to take up a lot of time and that it had to be stressful in itself just being away from your loved ones for six weeks at a time. Boulder shrugged and said that she got to go home every night at sunset when we went to the Mess Hall, so she wasn’t all that upset, though a bad day of training usually put a damper on dinner with her family. I suggested that she move on from being a Drill Sergeant after training someone to take her place and she said that no one wanted the job. I let her know that Swift had been interested in it and she was rather surprised, but she said that she would ask him if he wanted to start training sometime soon.

With that said and done, Boulder told me to fuck off, so I did and started writing more letters since I’d gotten more replies. Celestia had sent me a letter regarding the Night Light situation and told me that it would be resolved by the time I started training with Luna, so I sent her back a letter stating that I was going to have to move my training up to tomorrow night since Boulder effectively kicked me out of The Guard for being a good soldier. Celestia asked if I was ready to move on and I told her that I was close enough anyway, so she told me to send a note to Luna since the woman likes to hear from me directly from time to time. I got Luna’s note out of the way first and replied to Celestia, asking if she wanted to make a little time for me after setting the Sun and she agreed to see me for a little bit over a spot of tea with Luna since Night Court still never gets visitors. I asked why I didn’t just meet them for dinner/breakfast and she agreed since I get that privilege like that.

Since I had nothing else to do, I went around and talked to my buddies since I wouldn’t be sticking around too much longer. Iron Hoof was sad to see me go, though she was awfully stoic about it. I knew that she would have preferred that I remain with them for the duration of the training, but it was already set in stone that I wouldn’t be sticking around forever I told her to keep in touch and gave her my address in Ponyville so she could, though I warned her that I wouldn’t be there for a few more weeks. At least, up until I finished my training with Celestia and Luna. Iron was with Day at the time, so I got to share the news that she was going to get to stay in the guard and that earned me a wry smile and a hug for making the obvious choice. Day told me that she thought I was going to be stupid for life for a little while until she heard that Twilight came by. I let her know that Celestia had been the one to heal me and she was rather shocked, but the conversation after that was pretty much barbed compliments about each other’s appearances. Iron just shook her head and called us 'foals', but she can suck my knob.

I found Stalwart hanging out with Bronze and his group playing ‘hoofball’ that was a lot more like soccer than actual football, but I digress. I told the boys that I was going to be training with Luna instead of Boulder for a little while and they all complimented me on making it to easy street until I asked them if they’d ever seen Luna fight. They replied with a ‘No’ as I’d been expecting and I told them that she was easily twice as fast and four times as strong as Swift. If she wasn’t careful she actually would kill me and there would be nothing I could do about it other than snitch on her when I stopped being dead. Celestia wouldn't be able to do much, but I would feel better knowing that at the very least I would be able to tell someone that I'd been killed again for a shitty reason. Seriously, being killed until I die to death really hurts my feelings in ways that are hard to explain if you’ve never been killed. I mean, it’s cool that I’ve totally disproved the Inception thing, but still. Dying kinda sucks.

When the fellas started asking questions about the way I’d been taught, I couldn’t answer a lot of them, but I did tell them that being wasteful with my energy was severely punished and that I had to remain vigilant unless I wanted to have my arse handed to me on a silver platter. I mentioned that my mentor had actually beaten me with a wooden sword when I failed a task and they were fucking horrified, but I didn’t have a caveat or anything that made the situation less appalling. It really was a fucked up way to teach someone, but I did say that it was effective in getting me to do shit right the first or second time. Stalwart asked if I was willing to go full force, no holds barred with him for a round or two and I said that I stood a good chance of sending him to the infirmary if I was serious, but that only made him grin and ask Bronze and a few more friends to help him gather everyone together to watch us go at it in the combat circle thing.

Long story short, Stalwart and a few other challengers got their arses handed to them.

After that, I found Shaggy standing next to Moon Walk in the crowd, so I asked them if they wanted to take a walk and told them the news. Moon was disappointed that I was leaving and Shaggy asked me if I really had to go. I gave him a man-hug and told him that I planned on keeping in touch with everyone in our group, even if it wasn’t a daily thing and he said that he’d at least write me weekly to keep up with the guy who’d hooked him up with more friends than he’d ever had. I thought it was a little sad and rather touching that he thought so highly of me and told him as much, though I reassured him that he could find all the companionship he’d ever want if he was willing to speak up. Moon agreed, though she said that she and Shaggy had been making plans to work on that so both of them could grow as people together. They asked me why I was smiling and I just shook my head, telling them that everything was copacetic, just as I’d want before making my departure.

I got a lot of the trainees together just before sunset and told them that I’d probably be departing shortly after breakfast tomorrow, which earned me many well wishes from the cadets I’d figuratively touched in my time training and I told them that if I ever got my own empire or something of the sort, I would be proud to fill my Guard with their ranks. I must have looked regal or some shit because they all bowed to me and gave murmurs of thanks until I told them to quit being fuckwits and just come and shake my hand or something. Seriously, when you sweat and occasionally bleed with people, that should make you closer than the bonds of servant and master or whatever the fuck royalty gets.

With that out of the way, I had to go meet Molestia and Lunaughty for some food since I’d skipped lunch to hang out and be stomped on. I was fucking hungry, which is something I consider to be an important detail, so fuck you if you think it isn’t. Piece of shit. Your general shittiness aside, getting into the Castle wasn’t a problem since I just flashed my ring to the Day Guard pricks who waylaid me. The Night Guards that were changing in just stopped me and asked for my name like usual and once I told them, they generally apologized for not recognizing me instead of just keeping things moving like the Day Guards did. Fuck Day Guards.

When I got to the Dining Hall, the guy who was pretty much permanently on call let me know that the Princesses hadn't arrived yet and I told him that I would happily wait inside, but he stopped me from entering. I gave him a look and explained that I was ‘Prince Maximus’ and he just shook his head, saying that the Princesses themselves were always the first ones to enter, even before the servants. I understood his point and talked to him for a little bit, asking how long he’d been in service to the Crown and stuff like that. He was a little terse with his answers so I called him a cheeky cunt, though he didn’t know what I was talking about, so I just referred to him as 'Cuntler' for the rest of our conversation, despite his answers being clipped and generally rude if you considered the fact that I was just waiting for Celestia or Luna to show up.

Apparently they took a side door or something because Celestia poked her head out as I was calling the Cuntler by his new title and scolded me for insulting the staff. The Cuntler curled his lip and I told him goodbye, but before I followed Celestia into the Dining Hall, I asked her if she minded that I occasionally enter the Dining Hall before she did. She said that as long as I didn’t pull any pranks while I was in there alone, I would be fine. I shrugged and asked if it was neutral territory and she said that it was, though she seemed to suddenly remember something and pulled me into the Dining Hall by my wrist.

Celestia glared at me in the most motherly way and said “Maximus, I need a yes or no answer-”

“Or.” I cut in with a grin.

Luna scoffed from her end of the table. “I saw that coming.”

Celestia rolled her eyes and continued glaring at me. “Did you or did you not pull that prank on Luna?”

“Alright, you got me. I probably didn’t considering your track record with each other.” I said blandly.

Luna growled playfully. “I will smite you if you truly did levitate my bed.”

“Oh, that one? I thought it was already clear that I was out cold when that happened.”

Celestia poked my chest. “I know it was neither myself nor Twilight, and Cadance denied any involvement which only leaves you. You mentioned track records and your is full of silliness, is it not?”

I shrugged and found a seat at the table. “You’re right; I’m known for doing stupid shit, but would I actually go overboard and potentially get someone hurt?”

Celestia took her spot. “Yes, you would. Especially if you didn’t know that you were.”

Luna picked up an apple from a fruit basket. “We’re only waiting for you to admit that you did it at this point, Maximus.”

I sighed. “It’s a shame that you would think so little of me, but I guess I understand where you’re coming from. It’s pointless to be offended since I see your point-”

Luna threw the apple at me and I caught it. “Your lip service is a valiant effort indeed, but it is not going to get you anywhere. Truly, how you managed to pull the wool over our eyes was a feat in itself, but the ‘jig is up’ as the young ones might say.”

“No one says that.” Celestia said, sipping a glass of wine.

I grabbed a scone. “Really. You should try reaching out to the youth. I mean, you look a bit younger than Celestia anyway, so you could probably pass for someone closer to my age.”

Celestia levitated a bottle of wine and some of the liquid from it. I followed the wine with my eyes while she said, “You can try to change the subject, but you will talk and you will confess, Max.”

“If you already think I did it, then why do I need to confess? I’m not going to lie for your sake.” I said stubbornly.

The wine came closer to my face and I leaned away from it. “Did you know that drinking wine has many health benefits?”

I leaned around the blob of red liquid to look at her. “Of course I do. What’s your point?”

The wine floated down to about waist level and Celestia gave me an evil grin. “I’ve heard that taking it as an enema is even better than drinking it.”

“I swear to God I will kill both of you if you touch my arsehole.” I deadpanned.

“Did you commit the deed, Maximus?” Celestia asked, still grinning.

“Sure, yeah, whatever you need to hear to avoid me chopping your fucking head off.” I said quickly.

“I need a yes or a no, honey.” The wine touched my thigh.

“Yes. What-the-fuck-ever!”

The wine didn’t stop, so I formed my tentacle and prepped the spike, setting it against Celestia’s forehead. The wine stopped. “...Max, were you being serious?”

“Keep fucking with me and we’ll see how immortal you are.” I replied.

She put the wine back in the bottle and I removed the spike. “I suppose I shouldn’t be testing you when it comes to sexual things.”

I nodded. “Please don’t. It makes me nervous and I don’t like being nervous.”

“It’s not like you would have actually died anyway.” Luna huffed.

“Still, being impaled through the head sounds about as pleasant as it would actually be.” Celestia maintained. “That said, I believe Dirge has told me that he wishes to terminate your time in the guard a bit early.”

I sighed. “Yeah. Looks like I’ll have even more time to spend with you two instead of being tortured in a less Hellish way.”

Celestia chuckled. “I’m sure you won’t mind my training as much as Luna’s. If you do, that would make you a rather strange man.”

“...She’s told you what she’s going to do, hasn’t she?” I asked.

Luna knocked on the table twice. “You will suffer now more than ever since Noir has told me all that you can handle. I look forward to your suffer- Er, your efforts. Yes, I hope that I will see you put forth much effort.”

Celestia just shook her head and I put my head on the table. “Fuck my life.”

“Don’t worry about it, Max.The more you worry, the less happy you’ll be.” Celestia said.

I looked at her. “What would you do if you had two devils plotting your stay in Tartarus?”

“Keep my mind off of it. Have a biscuit or something. Enjoy yourself while you can, honey.”

I had myself a scone with some peach preserves and started devouring whatever I could get my hands on because I hadn't had a chance to eat like I wanted to in a good while. It was nice to have all the food I could stomach, though I still kept things nice and polite for the sake of courtesy. Luna put off heading into Night Court so we could talk a little bit and say some ominous things about my training and Celestia dropped a few facts about what I’d be learning during my time with her. It was nice to know that I’d get a break, in a manner of speaking, with Celestia’s lessons on royalty and how to act and whatnot, though my main plan was to fake it until I could make it.

Once I’d eaten just about everything I could, Luna asked if I wanted to start training tonight and I asked if I could wait until tomorrow, though Celestia said that we would definitely be doing my training all day. I wasn’t really looking forward to it since she immediately followed up with the fact that I was only going to get breaks long enough to write a letter to my family and Twilight, and that would be all. Basically, I would be on lockdown with no access to my journals or anything of the sort for two whole weeks and a few days, and I hated nearly as much as not being able to have any friends nearby. Luna said that training alone would help speed up the process, but I felt like that would just make me miserable soon enough.

We finished up with dinner and the Diarchs were each in a good mood. I was feeling a little ill myself, so I asked Celestia if I was going to get my own room in the Castle. She said that I could stay in hers for the night and I shot that down, so she offered me Twilight’s old room that was still in her tower and I took it since the bed was perfectly fine and I was pretty sure I could sneak Twilight in for a quick night of passion before I started my two weeks of solitary training. Well, relatively solitary. Still, it was going to suck.

I’m really not looking forward to tomorrow and I’m making sure that everyone in Ponyville knows that I’ll be going dark for a little while but that I’ll be safe in Canterlot with Celestia and Luna. Twilight, Blue, and Trixie wished me the best of luck and Fluttershy and Pinkie told me that they were sure that I would make it just fine, though they used different words. Pinkie said that I would do my duty as it needed to be done until I could get my True Magic ready and Fluttershy just said that I would pull through, no matter what. It was comforting, but I still wasn’t looking forward to the whole thing.

I’m just trying to find reasons to keep writing at this point, but I’m running out of words to say. I’m sure that I’m prepared for the next couple of weeks and that I’ll be able to deal with it, but… I just don’t want to fucking deal with it at this point. I’d like to have some time to do something else, but I guess today was that day. I should’ve appreciated it more while I had the chance, but hindsight and all that, I guess. Now seems like a good place to end this entry, so I suppose I’ll get back to business in two weeks.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I don’t have long to write since Celestia’s only giving me a ten minute break, but my fucking God. I’ve never been more mentally and physically exhausted in my life. The days run together and I don’t even know how long I’ve been in Canterlot in this point, but I do know that I’ve spent more time cramming five hundred years of history and being beaten into a day than I ever did in school or at home in entire years. Luna has me running for hours on end and meditating to get my breath back and Celestia has me doing the same thing mentally, making me confer with Noir whenever she finishes up on a certain time period or procedure. To a point, I’ve gotten used to the constant headaches and the feeling of general hopelessness, but I’m at my wits end . It’s awful, being so worn out all the fucking time. Celestia teaches all day and quizzes me every four hours, and if I get something wrong, she has me repeat what I missed fifty times so it sticks in my mind, and if I come back the next day after training with Luna and forget anything, she makes me sit with my hands out and raps my knuckles with a ‘yard’stick like she’s a fucking old fashioned schoolmarm or something. Luna… I don’t want to talk about my training with Luna for the same reason I don’t really want to talk about what I did with Noir. There are no pleasant memories there. I just hope this time passes and I can go home.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

God, someone help me. Or shoot me. I welcome either

_______________________________________________________________________________

They say I’m free tomorrow morning. Master has given Dobby a sock. DOBBY IS FREE.

______________________________________________________________________________

THOSE ANCIENT WHORES LIED

Author's Note

And so the training is compplete. I hope you've enjoyed a little bit of suffering, experienced some schadenfreude (a new word in my vocabulary that I'm becoming fond of). Let's see where the journey takes us from here, yeah?

So Max will never go into any detail about what went on with Luna or Noir since he feels that dwelling on those memories is just going to make him hate each of them. Luna is a sadist and Noir is a savage, just to be clear, but as is the case with both of them, they've used incredibly harsh, rather draconian methods to teach and tutor Max into becoming something beyond your average human. Shit's brutal.

As Always, DROP AND GIVE ME FIFTY, MAGGOT

Stay Cool, Kids.

Chapter Forty-Four: Does Anyone STAY Dead?
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Forty-Four: Does Anyone STAY Dead?

Chapter Forty-Four: Does Anyone STAY Dead?

I’m still staggered that I’m actually free. As I sit here writing this, I’m just… I’m grateful. I’m so grateful that I don’t have to deal with another three weeks of Celestia and Luna trying to make me learn… Things. I don’t want to even see them for awhile, let alone hear either of their voices, even though I know I learned a lot from them. I don’t want to go into the details of those three weeks, but I will say that the extra week that was added was just… It wore me down. It sucked the last of my soul from me, and if it wasn’t for Noir supporting me, I would’ve completely shut down. Noir assures me that I would have made it through just fine and that I’m exaggerating, but I was so damned shellshocked by the fifth lesson with Luna, I couldn’t really care anymore. Being away from and not hearing from Twilight just made things that much worse, though I’m sure that a lot of the mental exhaustion came from Celestia using magic to double her voice so she could give me two lessons at a time. That had taken awhile to get used to, but once I did, things were better. Kinda.
‘

My knuckles still ache when I think about her.

Anyway, when the Sun rose on my final night with Celestia and Luna, I didn’t bother saying goodbye and just Shadow Dived into Twilight’s house, which was probably quite rude. I didn’t give a single fuck about that and knelt beside her bed, and when I got around to the correct side of the bed, I laid my head on my arms and just looked at her for a little while. Twilight always calmed me down and just having her within my line of sight made me feel a lot better about the three weeks I’d been gone. I was going to have to apologize for being gone longer than I said I’d be, but then again, I’d seen Celestia send the note off herself when she had told me that I was going to be staying for an extra week.

I heard two soft pops after a long silence and I knew that it was Celestia and Luna come to ask why I hadn't bothered to say farewell, though in fairness, I didn’t want to look at either of them any more than I absolutely had to at the moment. I continued gazing upon Twilight’s sleeping form until one of them tapped my shoulder and rose with a sigh, flinching when I saw Luna’s irritated face. I held a finger to my lips and pointed toward the balcony so we could talk in peace and started off towards it, but Luna grabbed my shoulder as I started to walk past her and we were instantaneously back in Canterlot. Dread filled my bones and my shoulders sagged until I realized that there were streamers and a cake on a table in the room we presided in. Luna was glaring at me with her arms crossed and Celestia was giving me an amused smile that I just didn’t feel like returning.

“Congratulations Max!” Celestia cheered. “It may have taken a little longer than expected, but you made it through your training without giving up or running away once!”

I nodded solemnly. “I’m assuming you put this together to celebrate?”

“Yes. Be thankful that we ourselves did half of the work in making this room suitable. That is, half apiece. Your friends made this party specifically.” Luna said a little harshly.

“Sister, you sound like you’re trying to get Max to run another lap.” Celestia chided.

Luna’s brows raised and her voice changed. “Do I? I suppose I’ve just been stuck in Instructor Mode for too long.” Ain’t that the fucking truth.

“Yes. I’m sure Max would be happier if you avoided using that tone with him ever again.” Celestia said.

They looked at me and I just nodded. “...Are you not going to say anything?” Celestia asked slowly. “You know, not to sound… Pushy, I suppose, but this isn’t exactly something we would do for just anyone.”

I looked at each of them in turn. “I appreciate your efforts and the time you’ve taken out of your busy schedules to do this for me, truly I do.” There’s more, but let’s keep this nice. “Can I have a piece of cake?”

Celestia gave me a look. “You don’t want any cake, do you?”

“Not really, but it would be a shame to waste it.” I said evenly.

Luna huffed. “Ingrate.”

Celestia threw her a look and Luna raised a brow. “What? We’ve spent nearly a month of our valuable time training and caring for Maximus and now he just wants to run off!”

“In Max’s defense, I’m sure he doesn't want to see the woman who spent the last three weeks abusing him physically and verbally until he lost his appetite. Waiting for him to be able to hold something down was just awful!”

“Tch. A soldier should have a heartier constitution than that!” Luna exclaimed.

“Luna, you could wear down any soldier with the amount of stress we put on max! Twelve hours of grueling physical punishment with a five minute break here and there would cripple anyone!”

“You it yourself that he would be able to take the punishment! Noir and yourself both agreed that my regimen was perfectly acceptable!” The Lunar Diarch argued.

Celestia scoffed. “Yes, for two weeks! I told you that we shouldn’t continue the physical part for another full week!”

I coughed and was ignored. “Yes, just allow me to waste a week that I could spend teaching him the nuances of the techniques he learned! Really sister, Max took his punishment quite well.” Luna persisted.

“He became a robot in my classes! He stopped flinching when I brought my yardstick down on his knuckles-”

“Aha! So you abused him too! I am not the only one at fault here!”

I coughed again and was ignored again. “I never meant to imply that you were, but you were far more severe! Honestly, Luna, I think you were just trying to outdo Noir and you know that it’s not an untrue statement!”

Luna poked Celestia’s sizeable chest. “I was not trying to compete with a woman who does not even have a physical form! I was simply trying to beat the lessons into Max’s head to the best of my ability! You were trying to crush his mind with every tedious iota of boring decorum that you could muster from your memory!”

Celestia poked Luna’s chest in turn. “I was attempting to teach Max the proper ways to present one’s self as a member of Equestria Royalty, just as I taught Twilight and Cadance! It’s not my fault that I had to stuff years of knowledge into the short span of three weeks! Twilight learned everything I had to teach her in the same amount of time and she did just fine!”

I stopped giving a damn about what they were saying and went over to have myself a piece of cake while they bickered between each other like children, shifting the blame for my melancholy mood to the other person like it was one of their faults in particular. Both of them had frayed my nerves and mind equally in different ways, and all I wanted was to go home and give Twilight the affection that had been trying to stay alive in my heart. They continued their quarrel as I cut out three slices of cake and placed a fork on each plate, though when I finally approached them and held their respective pieces out to them, they shut their noise makers for a moment.

Celestia and Luna each accepted the cake I’d been holding for them, so I figured that now was a good time to speak. “Celestia, you caused me more headaches in the space of three weeks than I’ve ever had in my entire life. Frankly, I’m sick of hearing your voice.” Her face fell into a frown and I turned to her sister. “Luna, you were trying your damndest to outdo Noir, no matter what you say. Pain means even less to me now than it used to and there are few insults that will rile me, but I swear to all you hold dear in your long life that I will rip out your vertebrae individually if you touch me within the next week.”

Luna blinked at me a few times and Celestia looked like she wanted to cry. I wasn’t done speaking, so I said, “Now that I’ve said my peace, thank you both for putting this little party together for me. It really does mean a lot to me to know that you consider me a friend more so than some pitiful creature to torture mentally and physically, but I hope that you understand my actions. I want to see Twilight and do nothing else other than spend a day with her in my arms, and I will make that happen one way or another, regardless of who stands in my way. I haven’t seen her in three weeks, I haven’t heard a word from her, and I know she misses me as much as I’ve been missing her, so let us enjoy our time together as friends before I take my leave and rejoin my lover as my heart truly desires.”

Celestia pursed her lips and looked down. “...You’re sick of hearing my voice?” She asked softly.

“I’ve heard it for twelve hours a day, nonstop for the better part of a month. It wouldn’t be any less irritating if you hadn't used the magic that let you teach two subjects at once, if it makes you feel any better.” I replied neutrally before trying the cake. It was actually pretty decent, though that might have been the taste of freedom.

“...I’ll be sure to remain silent for a while.” She said.

“Don’t bother. I know you want to ask me about the things I remember. Once Luna is finished with what she has to say, please feel free to ask your questions.” I patted her shoulder.

“What makes you think I have anything to say to you? You’ve hurt Celestia’s feelings-”

“Shut up if you’re going to bitch at me. I’m sick of your voice too.” I said calmly.

Luna glared at me. “Then why would you ask me to speak?”

“Because you want to address what I said. Are you a fool, or do you have a mental condition?” I asked, my face completely placid.

Luna stared me down. “I was not trying to outdo Noir, and I did my duty as I needed to.”

“You were and I never said that you didn’t. You trained me into something with a Kill Switch, Luna. Between yourself and Celestia, I’ve become a different creature than I once was, though I’m sure that some time with Twilight will cover the murderous rage that boils in my veins now. It’s nice to know that I can switch between the proper prince and the lethal assassin, however.”

Luna shook her head. “I don’t care about the rest of your words. I was not trying to outdo Noir in any sense!”

“You were. Noir said so herself multiple times. Denying it only makes you seem thousands of years your own junior, so eat your cake. I don’t know who baked it, but they did a good job.” Good enough, I suppose.

Luna clenched her jaw for a moment before lifting a bite to her mouth. She continued glaring at me as she chewed slowly. “I made this cake and it’s terrible.”

I shrugged and continued eating my piece. “I’m fond of it. Maybe you should try being less angry?”

Luna went to poke me and I used the original form of my Telekinesis to float her off of the ground and sent her across the room slowly. “I was serious about your vertebrae.” I called across the room.

“Max, I know you don’t want to hear me right now, but… Have you just slowly been growing angrier with us since your training began?” Celestia asked gently.

“It’s not the training that bothered me, Celestia. It’s the fact that I was allowed breaks to eat and use the restroom and that was it. Having literally no free time for nearly a month makes the mind bend in ways and not sleeping during that same amount of time twists it in others. Telling me that I would go home at the two week mark and then snatching that golden ring away from me was possibly the cruelest thing you could’ve done to me. I do thank you for allowing me to write in my journals the few times that you did, however.”

“...Is that really all you’re grateful for?” She asked sadly as Luna walked back over.

“I’m grateful for your time and that I no longer have to take anymore of it, but my journals keep me sane, Celestia. Not that I would have recorded much of my training specifically, but I would still have liked to get my feeling onto paper. It’s therapeutic for me.”

“I though meditating was all the rest you needed…”

“Physically, yes. However, you did not take into account that Noir was teaching me more things on the side and only gave me an hour to breathe.” I said numbly.

“...You were learning from three strict masters nonstop for three weeks and you’re still sane?” Celestia asked incredulously.

“No. Didn’t you hear me earlier?” I cocked my head. “I’ve been broken into at least two pieces, though I’m sure that the dashing rogue we all know and love will show his face again sometime. That, and I haven’t been quite right in the head since I killed my first person.”

“...I don’t think I want this cake anymore.”

“Would you like a hug instead?” I inquired.

“...Do you really want to give me one?” She asked, already expecting a no.

“Yes. I’d like to be able to show affection. I’d prefer that it be to Twilight, Blue, or Trixie, but I’d like to give one to you.” I lied.

Celestia levitated her cake away and gave me a hug that I returned with some enthusiasm. I also grabbed her arse because it’s nice, plump, and generally grabbable, but mostly because I was certain that she would let me get away with it. When I gave her a good squeeze, she pushed me away and gave me a puzzled look with a blush on her face and I smirked at her.

“What? You thought that I lost my libido? Woman, I’ve just gone a month without sex and I’m going to have to try awfully hard to not impale Twilight when I see her.” I raised a brow at her.

“My Heavens, you’re still a heathen! Maximus, you scared the daylights out of me! I thought you were dead inside or something!” Celestia held a hand to her heart.

“Nah, my Kill Switch was still flipped. I’ve got three personalities to choose from now, but I’m still the same old Max everyone loves to hate to love.” I grinned.

Luna put her hand on my shoulder and I threw a lightning-quick punch straight into her nose. “Don’t fucking touch me.” I prepared for another strike.

Celestia grabbed my arms and pulled me away from her. “Max! Calm down!”

“I said don’t fucking touch me. Did I not?” I stonily

Luna pulled her hand away from her face and inspected the blood on it. There was barely a trickle coming from her nose. Our eyes met and a smile started forming on her face. “I did not even see that punch coming.”

I snorted. “Damn straight. You trained me well, you psycho twat.”

“I would hug you, but then that would be touching you.” Luna beamed at me and healed her nose. “I’m proud of our results, Maximus.”

I nodded. “You fucking better be. Shit was mad difficult.”

Celestia let me go and stood next to Luna. “Alright, how are you flipping from stony and factual to smarmy and confident, then back to stony and then back to smarmy?”

“Different times call for different measures.” I shrugged. “Let’s say we get this party started, yeah? Do you ladies have congratulatory presents for me, or are you sending me away with knowledge and skill instead of physical goods?”

Celestia looked at me like I was crazy and Luna just kept grinning, so I shrugged and used the original Telekinesis- Actually. You know what? I’m just going to call that Telekinesis since it was the original thing and I’m going to call my tentacle Psychokinesis. There. My little problem is solved. I used my Telekinesis to levitate the mess we’d all made off of the floor and onto the table in an easy to clean heap on a plate and went for some more cake. It really was pretty good, even if it did look a little simple, and the punch was pretty damned delicious since it was spiked like nothing I’d ever had before. Celestia let me know that Alicorns had a pretty hard time getting drunk, so I asked why we weren’t just drinking straight liquor and she told me that it was because royalty shouldn't be seen drinking anything harder than wine. I disputed that and said that I would become the Prince of Bourbon and she said that she would let me have the title. I let it slip that I had a present for them even if they didn’t have a present for me, and all I needed to do was go home and get it. The Diarchs took me home via teleportation and brought us back the same way, but I didn’t let them see what I’d been hiding until we got back. I’d brought out a bottle of the thousand-year wine and gifted it to both of them, thanking them for teaching me everything they had.

Once we all had a half-glass, we gave it a sniff and it was fucking brutal, but we still down out glasses after a primary sip to see if it was actually tasty. I knew for a fact that it was like drinking raisins that had sat in home-brewed white lightning for years on end, but they hadn't known that, and their faces were hilarious. Needless to say, the three of us had locked every entrance to the room before drinking our wine for good reason: we were FUBAR within minutes. Celestia was quite the huggy drunk, so Luna was subject to an adorable amount of cuddles while I rolled around on the floor, trying to make the world spin in a different direction. I swear I could feel my brain cells dying and when Luna touched my hair, I whacked her for a few minutes, telling her to stop touching me even though I was doing most of the touching at that point. There were a few knocks on the door, but we scampered off behind some furniture, giggling our heads off like we were naughty children about to get caught after dipping into the liquor one too many times.

Eventually someone managed to get the door open and peeked in, but I was pretty sure all they heard was giggling. I heard the door close and peeked above the chair I was hiding behind to see that the person was looking directly at me, so I ducked behind the chair, giggling even harder than I had been before. The maid came around the chair and asked what I was doing and I said that I was hiding, which made her ask who I was hiding from. I pointed at her and giggled some more and she picked me up off of the floor and sat me down in the chair, though when I started leaning, she was quick to right me. The maid lady asked who else was hiding in the room with me and I told her that she was going to have to find them and broke out into a fit of giggles that made my facial muscles hurt from the smile I was wearing. She eventually found Celestia and Luna, both of whom played their drunkenness off better than I had. Celestia was a little wobbly and Luna was swaying pretty well but they both managed to stand up on their own.

The maid asked if we were drunk which made Celestia grab her shoulder and shake her a bit, telling the woman not to tell anyone, and that if she promised to keep the secret she could join us in hiding and giggling. The maid promised to keep the secret but declined the offer to drink on the job, though she did offer to babysit me sit I was fucking hammered and was still giggling. Luna said that she would look after me and came over to hit me a few times, telling me to get off my arse, so I did so I could push her away and flip her off. I stumbled around for a little bit until I found my footing and eventually got myself as straight as I could manage. The maid had been following me around, making sure I didn’t actually fall so I gave her a hug and told her that she smelled nice, but I probably ruined it by telling her that she was short and patting her head.

Celestia came over and dragged me over to the couch to give me a stern talking to, though she often lost her place and trailed off a few times. I suggested that we have another glass of wine and Celestia poured it, stating that wine should be harmless enough since it was wine, and when we all downed our drinks, I remember thinking with a crystal clarity that the only way I was going to remember the next few hours would be by Noir’s grace.

And so began the drunken blitz.

Luna had been sure to suggest that we become all attractive looking Ponies and Celestia was the one who actually provided the disguises since she was the only one with the mind for magic at the moment. In disguise, Celestia, Luna, and I went around the Castle in the guise of maids and a butler, stumbling about and being told off by guards and staff alike for being absolutely shitfaced on the job, and one maid in particular went so far as to take us into a side room and berate us for being disloyal to the Princesses because we’d come to work in such a state. I slurred that we’d found some wine in a room and only had a couple of glasses and she asked if that meant we’d down an entire bottle apiece. Luna said that we’d only had two glasses and Celestia said that the maid was very attractive and started hitting on her, which made the woman snort in disgust and threaten to go get the Head of Staff, Moonlit Stream. I dared her to do it, but before she could storm off, I gave her a hug and told her that she smelled nice. She extricated herself from my grasp and left me to be picked up by Celestia and Luna before Moonlit Stream herself actually did come.

We fucked off and wandered to Celestia’s part of the castle and some guards apprehended us, threatening to take us to jail if we tried disturbing ourselves while Celestia was supposed to be training me which made us laugh like it was an actual joke. One of the guards shoved me and I fell to the floor. That pissed Luna off, and much to my surprise, even hammered off of her arse, she was still a force to be reckoned with. I picked myself up to help her out with the other guy since he was trying to arrest her, though all I did was manage to cold-cock him with a punch that he probably never saw coming. I was surprised that it had even connected and once Luna finished her guy off, we had to drag them off to the sides of the hall quietly and get the fuck out of dodge. Celestia kept whacking us for hitting her Day Guards and slurring that she was going to make both of us pay for that, but I grabbed a handful of her chest and asked if I could pay her back in other ways. She looked rather interested, and in my defense, I wouldn’t even remember doing it without Noir, but thankfully Luna put the kibosh on that before we could make one hell of a mistake. It didn’t stop Celestia and I from playing grab-arse while Luna wasn’t watching, however.

We eventually made our way out to the Guard’s Training Grounds, but none of us had thought to change our disguises until we got out there, and when we did change, Celestia ended up giving us the wrong genders, though we were all still supposed to be attractive. I asked the ladies if we could go for run and they said yes, so we joined my former compatriots on the track and fell behind rather quickly since we were still fucking drunk. We ended up stopping to catch our breath and Shoulder Boulder herself came over to ask ‘what the buck’ was wrong with us. My week and a half of restraint in her presence crumbled within seconds of seeing her.

I started laughing when I saw her. “Look! Her name is Shoulder Boulder!”

Boulder glared at me hard. “Recruit, what the buck is your major malfunction!?”

“Your name means tits! Your name is tits because ya got bigguns!” I bellowed.

Celestia and Luna died next to me, hanging off of me. “Her name is Tits!” Luna laughed.

“Tits tits tits!” Celestia chanted.

Boulder’s chest heaved and she picked me up by my shirt, though she was surprised to find that I wasn't actually wearing armor. “What the- Are you wearing a disguise spell!?”

I giggled and booped her nose. “Tits found out! Run girls!”

Luna tried to tug me away from her, giggling her head of the entire time until she fell on her arse. Boulder tossed me onto the ground, furious. “Are you foals drunk on my track!?”

I tried to straighten up and saluted myself in the eye. “Sir no ma’am!”

Celestia picked Luna up first and they started working on me until Boulder took them both by the scruff firmly. “Soldiers, what are your names and rank!? NOW!”

Celestia and Luna traded a look, so I held a finger to my lips. “Shhh! We’ll get in trouble!”

“I know!” Luna hissed.

“We won’t get in trouble!” Celestia said bravely. “Ponies get in trouble with us!”

“Names and ranks! Now!” Boulder shouted at the top of her lungs, absolutely livid.

Celestia smirked at her. “Celestia, ruling Princess of Equestria!”

Luna looked at her and said, “Luna! Ruling Princess of Equus!”

Celestia nudged her. “We don’t rule Equus, silly! Just Equestria and some other places!”

“I’m Max!” I said from the floor.

“You’re a Prince, silly! You have to say your title!” Celestia stage whispered.

“Alright,” Boulder said, her voice levelling out, “fun time is over. You lushes are going in the brig until you sort yourselves out, and you can be sure that Captain Dirge is going to hear about this.”

Celestia giggled at her and I gulped. “Dirge is a sweetie! He wouldn’t lay a finger on me!”

“Laugh at me again, colt. I dare you.” Boulder said lethally.

I giggled. “Tits thinks you’re a dude!”

“I look like a dude!” Celestia replied.

The cadets rounded the track and one of them jogged up to us. “Sergeant Boulder, sir! Can I assist you with these ponies?”

I looked up and saw that it was a buddy of mine. “Stalwart! He~ey buddy!”

He gave me a weird look and checked with Boulder. “Are these guys drunk or something?”

“Yes they are. Help me haul them to Dirges office so we can have them dealt with.” boulder said severely.

Celestia grabbed Boulder’s hand and easily removed it from her shirt before picking me up. “I don’t wanna. We’re gonna walk around some more! What do you wanna be next, Max?”

“Ooh! Ooh! I wanna be a Gryphon!” I slurred.

Celestia’s horn lit up and she, Luna, and myself all became Gryphons of varying levels of androgyny and Stalwart just looked on wide-eyed. Luna took Boulder’s hand off of her and started pushing us down the track. “Where she we go next? I want ice cream!”

I gasped. “Ice cream would be sooo good!”

Celestia nodded. “Let’s go!”

Boulder grabbed the back of my shirt through the illusion and stared me down. “Where the buck do you think you’re going!?”

I didn’t like the look in her eyes. “Sunbutt! I think it’s time to go!”

Celestia put her hands on myself and Luna and we teleported away to Celestia's room and we all burst out laughing from the ridiculousness of the situation we’d found ourselves in. I was starting to sober up a bit around fifteen minutes into our stay in Celestia’s room, but at this point, we’d blown a good portion of the day just fucking around, being drunk, so I was ready to sober up and take a fucking nap. Celestia suggested that we all drink a few glasses of water and sleep off the rest of our buzz. Luna agreed and teleported away to get us some. A minute or two, she came back with some nice, ice cold water and we all had a few drinks before assaulting the bathroom in turns. Well, I actually just pissed out of the window because I’m a man with certain liberties, but still.

I didn’t wake up until an hour or so before dawn the next day and Luna had apparently gone to Night Court. Celestia was reading in the corner of her room until I woke up. She gave me my bag of shit and told me that she’d enjoyed yesterday more than she probably should have and that she wanted me to tell Twilight 'hi' when she woke up. I told her that I’d do that and wished her well before she sent me off to my fiance’s house.

When I arrived, I did the same thing I’d done the morning before and kneeled by the side of her bed, just looking at her for a little while. I eventually wanted to do a little more than look, so I took off my boots and crawled into bed beside her carefully as to not wake her up. It was like I’d just come back from some shitty nightmare and was now looking at the most beautiful dream while it rested before floating on to the next lucky recipient. The only thing was that this dream belonged to me and there were certain ways that it would only ever be mine and that brought a smile to my face. I reached out and touched her face, brushing her cheek gently and enjoying the feeling of her soft breath against my skin. The occasional endearing snore escaped her lips and I felt my eyes closing as though she were lulling me into a similar state, though I knew that I didn’t actually require sleep in any capacity at the moment. I wanted to hold her, but I was on the wrong side for that. All I needed to do was roll into my shadow anyway, so I did. I surfaced behind Twilight and draped an arm over her, nestling close and enjoying her particular aroma.

After an hour, Twilight stirred for a moment and stopped suddenly, making me want to remove my arm until she shifted around to face me. “Hullo there, beautiful. I missed you.”

Twilight magicked me under the covers and hugged me. “I missed you too. This is the best dream I’ve had in a week.” She said blearily.

I kissed her horn. “It’s not a dream, my love.” I whispered into her ear.

“That’s what all the best dreams say.” She kissed my fuzzy chin.

I stroked her side. “I’ve never had one that convincing, but if you say so, I suppose. Do I have to lick you to prove my point?”

She put a hand on my head and brushed my hair out of my face. “I think I’m just in denial. I thought you might be gone for another two years or something and the Princesses were just trying to cover it up.”

I looked at her and smiled. “No, they just wanted to torture me awhile longer. Speaking of, do you have anything to do today?”

“Well, I was supposed to go to a picnic with the girls today-”

“Or you could stay in my arms and we could cuddle.” I offered.

“And I was supposed to talk to Big Mac about his apple production-”

“Or we could start the day with some coffee and keep it going it sweet tea.”

“I think Spike wanted to help me reorganize the library.”

“I think Spike wanted to let you have a day with your fiance.”

Twilight sighed. “I’m free tomorrow, Max. I love that you’ve finally come back home again, but I can’t just drop everything because you’re here.”

“You totally could, but I understand. I guess I could bear to go see Trixie, Blue, or Nashoba for a little bit today.” I sighed.

She kissed my chin again. “We’ll make it through today. I’ll tell you what: we can sleep in your bed tonight and I’ll give you a favour or two. How does that sound?”

“Like I’ll need to shower three times today. I am not complaining.” I stroked her mane.

“Speaking of things you need to do in the bathroom, I don’t know if I want you to shave or to leave the beard there. It’s gotten awfully thick.”

“If you want it gone, just cast a hair removal spell or something. If you want it back, hair growth. I don’t really mind either way.”

Twilight’s horn lit up and my face suddenly got a lot cooler and my neck got a lot more itchy before her horn lit up again and magicked the fuzz away. Twilight spent the next few minutes kissing my face since it was nice and smooth now and I just soaked up her physical show of love, peck by peck. I liked not being hit for once, and Twilight’s lips were still pleasantly soft on my jaw. It took some time for me to chase her lips with my own, but once mine found hers, we stayed put for a long few moments, casually drinking in each other’s presence until the Sun filled her room and Twilight told me to go get some coffee started or something. I was hoping that she’d offer me a shower, but I couldn’t really be all that upset.

I went downstairs to get the coffee started to find that Spike was already doing it, so I gave him a quick greeting and he came over and gave me a hug, surprisingly. Once the strange bro-hug was over, he told me that Sweetie Belle had finally gotten off of his case about sex and he felt a lot better for it. I asked how he knew that it had been me to say something to her and he said that it just had to be since no one else really wanted to broach the subject since it was awkward. In fairness, I generally don't give a fuck in any case, so I guess his supposition was well placed. I offered to help him with breakfast and he had me be his sous chef for a little bit. Spike caught me up on some stuff that had happened since I’d been away, like that some dude named Cheese Sandwich and Pinkie had thrown a pretty awesome party and that Rarity had tried to pursue some fashion related faggot that was only interested in Applejack. I found that to be rather amusing, though Spike had been a little salty about Rarity chasing after some guy who wanted nothing to do with her.

Either way, we got breakfast squared away and Twilight came down looking as cute as she usually does and we ate in relative silence. I was just happy to have a warm meal that didn’t consist of bread and fruit for once and having company that wasn’t Celestia or Luna was nice as well. I didn’t feel the need to say much, and when the meal was finished, I took my leave quickly as to not prolong my own suffering. I figured I would go and see Blue first since she’s me fuckin’ mum, mate, so I headed toward her shop. Unfortunately for my plans, it wasn’t a weekday, so I had to go to her house to see her, but when I got there, I knocked a few times until I realzed that I couldn’t hear her heartbeat coming from within, no matter how many times I walked around her townhouse. I just couldn’t figure out where she would be, but I had some business to deal with since I was in town anyway and decided to head over to Sugarcube Corner.

I passed a few townspeople on the way over and they asked if I’d really become a Prince, so I flashed them the signet ring I’d been given. I caught quite a few people before they could start kneeling and asked that they treat me as a normal person unless I was wearing a suit or something of the sort. A sash would most likely be the biggest clue and the people that stopped me usually said that they would spread the word for me in their inner circles, which basically meant that it would soon be all over town since one of those people had been none other than Spoiled Rich herself, Ponyville’s most notorious gossip.

The trip to Sugarcube corner wasn’t really all that long, but it’d still given me too much time to talk to the hoi polloi. That wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I just wanted to have a quick chat with Pinkie and see if my training had done anything for me as far as my True Magic went. When I got there, the Cakes said that Pinkie had taken the day off and was at her house, which would have been perfectly fine news if I fucking knew where it was. They said that they didn’t even know, even though they’d been there a few times, so I decided to just Shadow Dive to her, saving myself some more walking.

Thankfully I didn’t have to be as stingy with my Shadow Diving since I’d grown a bit stronger magically under Luna’s watch, even though she threatened to kill me if I kept getting stronger. That was a fucking retarded statement and I’d told her so since I was the only one who could take on Discord to our knowledge, and that had earned me five hundred push-ups to be done in the space of twenty minutes, which I failed to do… Let’s leave it there. I don’t wanna talk about it.

Hellish training aside, I ended up underneath someone’s bed, but before I could crawl out from the tight space, I realized that I was listening to the sounds of something wet and squishy being… Not quite stirred, but like, thrusted, I might say. It didn’t sound like sex, so I wasn’t sure why it sounded so squishy, so I pondered that for a little while. Pinkie might be crazy enough to bake in her room, or even to make candy, and that’s what I assumed she was doing until I realized that I smelled blood and plenty of it. I crawled from underneath the bed and sat up, turning my night vision on since it was damn near pitch black in the room. I didn’t like what I saw and when my eyes met Pinkies, we nodded simultaneously and I got the fuck outta dodge.

With images stained to my eyes that I didn’t need, I went back home, found my weed and immediately lit up. I really wasn’t trying to think about what I’d caught Pinkie doing this time, so I smoked a bowl on my porch and stared out into the Whitetail Woods before whispering Nashoba’s name into the air. Something just told me to speak to her, and within a few minutes of waiting, I heard the wind in the trees shift. A black blur lept onto my porch and trotted over to sit next to me.

“Hullo, lovely pupper. How’ve you been?” I asked lazily.

“I’ve been fine. You smell like that reeking plant.” Nashoba replied.

“A lotta plants reek, pupper, but I like the one I smell like.”

“I know you do. It’s good to see you again.”

“It’s good to see you too, which is why I asked for you. I was hoping that you had the spare time to come and see me.” I started packing another bowl.

She licked her chops. “I always have spare time for you. Would you happen to have any of the cooked meat nearby?”

I set my pipe down and got up. “It’s exactly where I left it. I’d offer to go hunt with you some more, but I’m fucking lit right now.”

“We could always wait until you’re not ‘lit’ to go hunting. Or we could do it tonight.” Nashoba suggested.

I’m supposed to be cuddling with Twilight all night, but I suppose we could bear to spend a little more time apart.” I sighed.

“If you don’t want to, we don’t have to. We can go hunting tomorrow.”

“Let’s do it tomorrow night then. In the meantime, I got the meat.” I lead the way inside with Nashoba dogging my heels.

I was pulling dried meat out of my icebox when Nashoba said, “We really should spend more time together.”

I remained silent for a little bit. “Sometime soon I’m going to end up heading toward the Everfree and I’ll be gone for another few weeks. I need to learn how to use some new-ish magic I have so it’ll either have to be sooner or later.”

“I could come along with you. A soundless journey into the Everfree sounds like a good way to spend time there to me.”

“I’m sorry, but it’s something I have to do alone, Nashoba. I don’t really want to, but I don’t exactly have much in the way of options on this.” I handed her a few strips of jerky and started snacking on some myself.

She snapped the meat up and chewed as canines tend to. “It’s a shame then. What magic are you going into the Everfree to learn?”

“True Theft. My True Magic lets me steal pretty much anything as long as it is a thing, but the problem is that I can’t use it until I learn how to grasp it in the first place.”

“And you have to go into the Everfree alone to learn this because…? You may be able to handle yourself perfectly fine, but I don’t know how your mate will take to you leaving her so quickly after coming back a week late.”

I chewed on some tough, dry meat. “...I don’t plan on leaving again so soon, but I need to get it done as quickly as possible. One way or another, I have to learn how to use this magic or we’ll be fucked when it comes to The War.”

Nashoba barked out a laugh, though I’m not saying that because she’s a wolf. “We’ll be 'fucked' either way, Max. This war will claim so many lives, it will not be comprehensible by many if any of the minds currently available today-”

“Shit, speak for yourself.” I snorted. “My world has already had two World Wars in which millions upon millions of people died. I really don’t want Equestria to have to go through something so shitty, especially if it means that so many people are going to die because of some crazy ass lowercase ‘G’ god.”

“Would you feel any better if it was a capital ‘G’ god?”

“I know this dimension’s capital G. They’re cool enough most of the time, but They’re the one letting Discord do as he pleases.” I said solemnly.

Nashoba yawned. “Well, either way we’ll be fighting together, yes? Even if you wish to avoid the death of a million, we will have a chance to battle together and see how strong we have truly grown.”

“Tch. You’re a whirling dervish of fangs and claws and I’m a savage beast with a sword in hand. I imagine we’ll both be animals on the field of battle, and I mean that in the scariest of ways.”

“Indeed. Sister Twilight has told me that your training was difficult, but that you were making it through just fine according to your mentors. Would you like to comment on that at all?”

“I made it through.”

“...Is there anything else?”

I looked at her and flexed. “Do I seem any more appetizing to you?”

“Yes, you seem a good deal meatier than before, but I would not eat you. You have grown stronger.”

“I have. Celestia tried to break my mind and Luna broke my body. That’s all I really want to say on the matter.”

“Aren’t I your closest confidant? Your sister in battle, heart, and spirit? A half to your whole?” Nashoba asked.

“...I will tell you, but it won’t be me who speaks.”

She tilted her head. “I don’t understand.”

I flipped a switch by snapping softly, going into Prince Mode. “Of course not, my most favoured canine. It would be difficult for you to understand something you have yet to witness.”

Nashoba stared at me for a moment and sniffed me. “...You smell different. You feel different.”

I flipped the switch off with a snap and went back to ‘Max’. “I wasn’t aware that so much changed other than my demeanor. I think the smell part might be new.”

“And you’re back to normal… That truly is one of the oddest things I have ever witnessed. Do you know why you can do that?”

“I changed my way of thinking.” I said simply.

“Explain.”

“Of course. While I was training under Celestia and Luna, I had so much flowing into my mind twenty-four seven that there just wasn’t enough space in my head at the time to absorb everything, to make sense of what I was learning. Eventually, I cast my personality aside and started acting differently for each of them. You could say that I created two separate Paths other than the one I follow currently to help me get through the tough times, and switching between those Paths makes me act and perceive differently. I wouldn’t be surprised if I accidentally gave myself multiple personalities much like the Great Pink Menace herself.”

Nashoba tilted her head. “I have met beings with multiple personalities that reside within the same form. You are not one of them.”

“That’s why I initially said Paths instead of personalities. Pinkie has separate Paths she follows too, if what she told me is anything to go by. Now I just have to figure out which one if the correct one for me to learn True Theft with.”

“The original, if I’m not mistaken. If you had the power before you split your mind into the separate paths, then it would make sense for you to have to master your power as you are.” She sat down . “Snack please.”

I held another large strip out to her and continued munching on my own. “I guess you’re right. I’ll probably play with the different paths and see if I can come to a different understanding through meditation. Speaking of, have you ever met Noir?”

“On multiple occasions. The Shadow Realm holds many secrets and what we’ve spoken about I cannot share with you. Just know that Noir was a Matriarch to the Dire Wolves in her own right back in her day.”

I raised my brows and chewed. “Really now? My sweet little Blackberry was affiliated with you lethal lot?”

Nashoba snorted. “Noir is anything but sweet. That bitch is the most brutal thing on two legs and my mother loves her.”

“So which Wolfmother did she actually get to know?” I asked.

“I believe she was either Shira or Bhima’s-” She tilted her head. “She was Shira’s companion. Noir, like you, was marked as a companion of the Wolfmothers.”

“Huh. So does that mean that I’m like, destined for greatness or a fucktonne of suffering?”

“Maybe neither. Maybe both. Keep in mind that we are heading towards the largest war since about two thousand years in the past and it will be the largest one this world has seen on terms of global involvement. Things will be tough, but you will be a capable warrior, I am sure.”

I nodded. “This is gonna suck, but I think I’m already putting together a squad of fighters I want by my side.”

“I have to be one of them. Who are the others?” She asked.

“Pinkie Pie, definitely.” I said gravely.

Nashoba laughed for awhile until she realized that she was laughing alone. “...You’re actually serious? Not jokingly serious, but legitimately so?”

I nodded. “You don’t know Pinkie like I know Pinkie. If she’ll accept my offer, then I want her by my side.”

“...I know the pup is heavily unbalanced, but do you think she has the stomach for killing?”

“I know for a fact that she does. I’ll talk to her later today if I can, but in the meantime, I just heard someone step onto my stoop.”

“So did I. Shall we put the meat away?”

I took one last bite and tossed the rest to Nashoba. “Taken care of in one. Let’s go see who our visitor is.”

I was walking toward my front door when I heard the magical chime go, so I flipped off my ceiling and opened the door with Nashoba by my side. I heard her heart skip a beat and I felt mine do the same damn thing when we realized who we were looking at.

Crimson fucking Tide stood in front of me, smug smirk on his face and everything.

The guy looked like he had- No, he looked better than he had when he’d come to me with his newfound knowledge of Celestia’s ruse, of her grand scheme and I couldn’t help but reach forward and poke him to make sure he was real. I mean, fucking Christ! The last time I’d seen the guy he was fucking dead and that made so many questions run through my head. Where the fuck did he come from? Didn’t Celestia make him not alive no more? Why would he show up now of all times? What? Where? Who brought him back? Why is he here? Why do I sense the Everfree within him? Wait, what was that last bit?

“Crimson?” I asked softly.

He swatted my hand away and hugged me. “You said that I had to show that I care about my friends sometime, right? This is me showing that I care, Max.”

I have no clue how to play this. “Mate… Where have you been?”

He let me go and grimaced, touching his horn. “The thing is, I don’t really know to be honest with you. Apparently I was just disappeared for a year and a half and Princess Luna eventually found me in the middle of the Everfree, stuck in some huge plant, completely unconscious, dead to the world. She broke me out and sent me off to the Crystal Empire to work for Princess Cadenza for awhile, but when Princess Cadenza found out that I knew you, she asked if I’d like to come see you. It’s been a good while, hasn’t it, Max?”

I blinked at him. “Uh… Come in? Yeah, yeah, come in have a seat. You remember Nashoba, right? Well, you knew her as Lupa, but she goes by Nashoba now.”

Nashoba stared at him. “Hello, Crimson.”

He jumped and stared at her. “What the buck!? You talk!?”

“For the past two years, give or take a few months. Come in, we have much to talk about.” She turned around and trotted into the living room.

I stared at Crimson for a few more seconds and waved him in. “Can I get you anything, mate? I don’t have much in the way of fruits or veggies, but I’ll make a fucking cake or something. It’s just one of those kinds of occasions.”

“Have any bourbon? I’ve been getting hit on by mares ever since I stepped off the train and there hasn’t been a stallion that I’d like to talk to that’s said hi to me either.” Crimson said, hanging his completely unnecessary coat on my coat rack.

“Bourbon I have. Feel free to do some catching up with Nashoba while I grab it from the cellar.”

He nodded. “I’d like to know how she came to start talking.”

“She always could, but I’ll let her explain that bit to you. It’s bourbon time.” I said.

While I went down to the cellar, I just took a moment to sit and stare for awhile. Fucking Crimson… How the fuck? I was sure… So fucking sure that Celestia had iced him, then and there! How did she…? I heard his fucking heart stop beating! I know for a fact that I did! Crimson Tide was dead before he left my house unless Celestia… I needed to figure out what the fuck had happened. I can’t say that I was mad that Crimson was actually okay, but when someone comes back from the fucking dead and you saw them die, things start getting real complicated in the noggin and I’m just not cut out for this kind of ridiculousness! Fucking shite! I know I can't really talk since I've come back from the dea multiple times, but fucking still!

I grabbed a random bottle of bourbon out of the half dozen or so I had left and headed back upstairs. Nashoba was giving the undead in my living room a rundown of why she could talk now and what the markings on her fur meant while I grabbed some crystal, but I thought better of it and grabbed two of my larger tumblers and put some ice cubes in them. Crimson gave me a nod when I sat next to him. He’d taken my Goddamn easy chair, so I had to take the lounger next to it, though it’s not like pouring our drinks was any harder because of it. We both drained our glasses in one go and I refilled them since I assumed he needed a drink as badly as I needed one.

Nashoba finished up with her tale and Crimson asked me to start on mine, so I had to go back to the bag of shit I’d taken to Canterlot with me and pull out my journal and find the entry where we’d last met. From there, I told him about some shit that, if you’ve read this far, you should already know about. Check the thirty-first collection of entries and continue on until now if you need a recap, Cherry, Hun. If I don’t call you Cherry or Hun, then I hope your death is slow, painful, and public. I hope you’re stripped naked in front of thousands and your privates get whacked with a paddle until they fall off. Seriously, fuck you.

When I was done with my stories, I asked, “So what have you been up to, mate? It’s been awhile since I’ve been back to the Crystal Empire. I can’t imagine you were sent there because it was an easy deal.”

He blushed and scratched his face. “Actually, I was sent there to train more Operatives and do a few simple missions. It really was an easy assignment, as far as our- Er, well, my line of work goes. You’re not really an Operative anymore now are you?” He pointed to my ring.

It was my turn to blush, but before I could speak, a note flashed before my eyes and I snatched it out of the air. It had Cadance’s seal on it, so I said, “Give me a sec, will you? I’ve gotta see what Candy Arse wants.”

Crimson waved a hand. “Take your time. It’s not like I’m in a hurry.”

I glanced at him, brow raised. “How much time do you have, if you don’t mind me asking?”

His smirk returned. “Read the note. I’m pretty sure I know what it is.”

I jerked my head toward him in a small motion and cracked the seal before unfurling the note. To paraphrase and not rewrite the damned thing, Cadance basically said that she was happy to send Crimson back to meet up with me since we knew we had a history and that we were fond of each other, which I thought was rather nice of her. She went on to explain that her top Operative, Scarlet Snow, had come back from a deep cover mission and was going to take over Crimson’s position as trainer since he wanted to come back to Equestria anyway. Cadance went on to explain that she thought having Crimson around would be good for me, though she didn’t use those exact words, and the basic gist of what she’d been leading up to was that she though Crimson should be the first Operative I employed and that Celestia as well as Luna had signed off on it.

I was fucking staggered.

When I finished up with the letter, I folded it and held it against my lips for a moment. I turned to Crimson and said, “So what else have you been up to?”

“...Not much? Training and missions I can’t really talk about with anyone other than… Well, I guess I could talk to you about them, and Lu- Nashoba, doesn’t really count as a Pony per se. I guess I’ve just been helping out with the rising problems with a few Gryphon nobles that don’t like having Pony lands on either side of them, one to the north and one to the south. The nitty gritty details are a little boring since it’s mostly just been blackmail and bribery, but you know. Operative stuff.” Crimson sighed.

“Right. So you’re technically under my employment now.” I said casually.

He gave me a look. “I kinda figured that, bud.”

“Put some respek on my name, faggot.” I said in the stupidest accent I’d ever heard on Earth.

Crimson rolled his eyes. “If we hadn't worked together through so much, I might consider doing that.”

“Shit, people who knew me before I was a prince still give me more respect these days, but I guess I can let it slide since it’s you.” I shrugged. “So whatever happened with Braeburn?”

Crimson frowned. “He didn’t quite understand that I hadn't disappeared because of work or anything I had control over-”

“I feel you so hard right now, you don’t even understand.”

“...You’re not touching me?” He tilted his head slowly.

“It’s a saying from my world. I understand how that feels, mate. You know I do.” I said sadly.

He nodded. “Yeah. You were gone a little longer than I was, weren’t you?” I nodded. “At least your lover held on for you…”

I put a hand on his shoulder while he drained his glass. “Have you seen Braeburn since you’ve been back?”

“Yeah. That’s when he told me to buck off and never come back.”

“...Maybe it’s just the Apple Family, mate. His cousin still hates me too for a similar reason.”

Crimson shrugged. “Wanna go talk to her? You said it’s been a month since she’s seen you, so maybe she’s cooled off?”

I looked at him, then to Nashoba who’d laid down while we were talking. “How’s that sound to you, lazy pup?”

“I burn more energy in two minutes than you do in two days, fool. I don’t want to go see Applejack in particular, but we could introduce the newest addition to your household to your friends.” She replied.

I nodded and stood, stretching. “Sounds good to me. Let me grab a shower and change clothes so I can be presentable.”

Crimson nodded and I starting heading upstairs before I came right back down. “Oi, mate! Do you have a place to stay while you’re working with me, or am I supplying you with a place to stay?”

He shrugged. “I don’t really know. Princess Cadenza just teleported me here after a few days of planning. I have my own bits, so I can rent a room for a few weeks while we get things sorted out.”

“Fuck that, I have a house with at least seven to eight spare rooms. Pick one of em’ that isn’t mine and use my Dragon Fire to have Cadance send your shit here.”

“All of my ‘shit’,” He threw up some air quotes, “is at an inn right now. I’ll just grab it later or something.”

“Cool. Once we get your crap, I’ll send the girls and whoever a note to come over so we can have a proper meet and greet. Do you know of anyone you want to come over?” I asked.

“Just my old mentor, Daisy Carnival.” Crimson shrugged.

I blinked. “He dated me mum, mate. Left her in her darkest hour.”

Crimson locked eyes with me. “...Invite him anyway. Once you’re done, I’m having a turn.”

We nodded simultaneously and I went to go take my shower. I wore something that I’d never thought I’d actually wear: A white button down that Twilight made me get a long time ago. It felt like a good occasion for it, so I threw it on and paired it with some black trousers and got on with my day after applying some scented oil that I’d missed fiercely. I liked my cologne and smelly good things, what can I say? Being in Canterlot, I hadn't had a chance to use or even have any of it, so I always felt like I didn’t smell good and that just bothered me to no end, but now that I was home, you could be sure that I was going to (sparingly) use it.

I met Crimson and Nashoba downstairs and we started walking toward town. Nashoba mentioned how it felt like old times, walking somewhere like there was a mission to be done and that made us dive into the nostalgia surrounding the Gryphonia missions. Crimson didn’t remember me ever telling him about the second one, so my pupper and I traded telling the story back an forth, embellishing here and there while trying to keep things believable. I tried to tone down the bloody bits, but the bitch told Crimson about ripping off someone’s beak and he actually chuckled darkly at that, stating that he’d always hated fighting Gryphons because of their damn pecking.

We came into town quickly enough, though the inn Crimson had been teleported was in the newer part of town. I had a decent idea of where I was going, but Nashoba lead the way since she was the most familiar with the area. Crimson didn’t have much to carry with him, so I just Shadow Dived us back to my house, surprising the fuck out of my new and only employee. He hadn't known that I could teleport and immediately identified it.

“Max?” Crimson asked a few moments after we surfaced in my house.

“Yeah mate?” I asked, running a hand through my hair.

“...That was Dark Magic, was it not?”

“It was. I’m chock full of the shit, mate. Don’t mistake that for me being evil, though.”

“...Right, it’s just that evil things tend to have Dark Magic.” He said cautiously.

I gave him a look. “You can kill someone more easily with Unicorn Magic than Dark Magic, you know that? With Unicorn Magic, you can take the air from someone’s lungs and suffocate them as long as you’re slightly above average. You have to be adept or an expert with Dark Magic to be able to make someone stop breathing. My mentor taught me that lesson in person, and Luna herself reinforced it when I tried using Dark Magic to make her leave me alone.” Training fucking sucked.

Crimson’s brows raised and he pursed his lips, nodding slowly. “It’s not the magic, it’s the user. Daisy used to tell me that.”

“Remember that the next time I start using Dark Magic, mate. I’ll never use it for an outright evil purpose.”

“Do evil for the sake of good and all that, I guess.” I looked at him strangely. “What? It’s the Operative motto!”

“Huh. Never actually heard it. Come on, let’s pick you put a room and we’ll get you settled in.”

“Right-o. Let’s hop to it, bunny-colt.” Crimson said cheesily.

I looked at him like he was retarded. “Mate, are you retarded?”

Crimson blushed and scratched the back of his head, chuckling. “Sorry, I get weird sometimes. Apparently it’s a side effect of the plant Princess Luna found me in.”

“Never call me ‘bunny-colt’ again and it’ll be fine. First things first: upstairs or downstairs?”

“I’m a ground floor kinda guy.”

“Great. Pick a room and schlep your shit on into it. Everyone that has a permanent room here already has decorations on their door, so go for it.”

“Are there already dressers and stuff in the rooms?”

I nodded and he made a ‘Not bad’ kinda face. With him picking a room, I sat down and started writing out notes to the girls, my family, and Onyx so they’d get their arses over here and started making a cake because fuck it, why not? I tried making a few, and with Crimson’s queer eye helping the straight guy, we actually managed to make some edible shit. The icing was harder to make, but Crimson could actually follow a recipe and I was a decent helper with the bits to go shopping for what we needed, so two hours after I’d gotten all of my notes sent out, I had multiple flavours of cake with two different kinds of icing for my ten guests. I was rather glad for the ridiculous amount of seating Celestia had allotted for me.

Before the party started, however, Crimson and I were welcoming in the guests, and when the girls and Spike came in, we told them to have a seat and have some cake. Trixie was with them, and Twilight gave me a kiss before shaking Crimson’s hand, though she wanted to know why someone she’d never met was at my house before she was. It wasn’t like she was upset, so I told her that Crimson was the reason for the party and she stood out on the stoop with us until Blue and Onyx showed up. Blue tried to quickly drag Onyx into the house before Crimson or I could say anything to him, but he let her hand go and I asked Twilight to escort my mother inside so the fellas could have a chat. Once Twilight told me not to fight Onyx and threatened to rescind her promise from earlier if I did, she took Blue inside against her will, leaving Crimson and I to face Onyx.

“You should’ve been a better stallion than that, teach.” Crimson said evenly.

Onyx nodded. “I should’ve, but I wasn’t.”

“Then what was it?” He asked.

“Head inside. You’re disappointed, but Max is a lot more than that.”

Crimson looked at me and I gave him a nod, not taking my eyes off of Onyx. “...I’ll see you inside, Max.”

I waited for him to close the door to ask, “Why?”

“I lost my first wife to that same grief. I was too weak to lose another one to it.”

I nodded. “I understand.”

“Do you, son?” Onyx asked grimly.

“In a manner of speaking. I ran from my brother when he was wasting away, when I thought there was nothing left to love.”

Onyx grit his teeth. “I knew better.”

“I know you did, Onyx. That’s why I haven’t killed you and made everyone in that house forget you ever existed. You’re a good man who was weak, and I can forgive you for that.”

“...I don’t deserve it.”

“Most people deserve a second chance. If Blue went back to you, then I trust it was because she knew about your wife.”

“She said she came back because I tried for so long.” He replied.

“Tried to keep her hopes up as long as you could.”

“...It didn’t work.” He growled.

“I know. It was a wound only I could heal. A lot of things broke when I left, Onyx, and I know now that the only reason they’re coming back together is because I’m back.”

He waited for me to say something else, but when I didn’t, he said, “There’s more.”

“Treat her like she’s your own heart. Never put her aside again, Daisy Carnival.”

He extended a hand. “I only make a mistake once.”

I shook it. “See to it that stays true.”

“On pain of death.” He promised.

“On pain of life longer than you thought you’d ever live.” I swore.

He gave me an odd look, but still nodded. “Can I go be with her again?”

I nodded. “You’re too old to be wasting much more time with me.”

“Shut up, kid.”

“Bite me, old goat.”

We came inside and Lupa was stealing the couch until I levitated her off of it. I then brought Twilight over and sat her next to me on my left side while Onyx took my right along with Blue. Twilight complained that I’d made her leave her cake behind until I reminded her that she could literally teleport it into her own hands, which made her blush and earned us a few chuckles from around the room. Unfortunately, my entrance had interrupted Crimson’s introduction, so he picked up where he left off and went around the room shaking hands before returning to his seat. I asked if anyone would like refreshments, alcoholic or not and got requests for a lot of stuff, so I had Twilight help me with some of it while Crimson answered questions and evaded others that were about his extremely personal life or about his Operative work. He happily talked about his time as a guard, however, though that was all I heard before I went into the celllar with Twilight.

When we got to the bottom of the stairs, she stopped me. “Alright, a month ago, you were ready to tear Onyx to pieces. What changed?”

I shrugged. “I felt like taking the diplomatic route. I wanted to hear him out before sending him into the middle of the Everfree to rot and die. I’m sure what he told me is supposed to remain between us, so I’m not going to tell you, but I understood where he was coming from. He had a reason for leaving Blue that I could understand, even if I still didn’t like it.”

“...That’s really mature of you, Max. Wow… I thought you were going to shout at him and send him home.” Twilight stared at me.

I gave her a hurt look. “I can be mature when I need to be! God, it’s like you see me as a fucking child or something.”

Twilight crossed her arms. “I’m not falling for that at all.”

I flipped her off. “Shove it.” I brushed past her to start grabbing wine and a bottle of something nice and stout.

“I’m still not falling for it! You’re not even upset” Twilight said, following me around.

I handed the bottles of wine to her. “Just go upstairs or something, will you? I wouldn’t be upset if you would’ve denied it or something.” I muttered.

Twilight huffed. “You might be a good actor, but I’m not-”

I shot her a mild glare and she looked away. “...Maybe I should go upstairs.”

I handed her a small bottle of whiskey. “Take that to Onyx, please. I know he likes the brand.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, Max, it’s just that I really… Well… You can be really confrontational at times, and I thought that doing something as severe as Onyx did would set you off.”

“I’m a prince, Twilight. I can’t afford to be going off on people whenever I want anymore. It makes me look bad and it makes Equestria look bad too.”

“...I guess I didn’t think you were going to change all that much after going to Canterlot. Your personality’s just so strong that I assumed you would be the same old Max…”

I closed my eyes and sighed. “You realize that you basically just said that you think I am and assumed that I’m just some prick, right?”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it!” Twilight said, worried.

“Then what did you mean, Twilight?” I asked. “You had to tell me not to fight Onyx and you jumped to the conclusion that I was going to have a shouting match with him anyway, even after spending time in The Guard and in the tutelage of the Princesses. You’re saying that you don’t I’m mature or responsible, and I’m hearing that you think I’m a violent arsehole who’s never going to change, so what do you honestly think of me?”

She was stuck, but I didn’t want to be mad at her, so I chose not to be. Instead, I calmly walked over and cupped her cheek, though she looked away from me. I kissed the exposed cheek and asked, “You love me anyway, no matter what, right?”

Twilight levitated the bottles she was holding and held my hand to her cheek. “Of course, amour. You know that.”

“And that’s what I’m going to focus on.” I kissed her cheek again. “Come along, cherry. Put on a happy face for our friends and cheer up.”

“Max, that’s not the kind of pony I want to be.” Twilight said softly.

“...Then we can talk it out down here. Address what you want.”

“...I don’t think you’re some violent foal, it’s just that… Well, you fight a lot-”

“And yet we’ve talked about how it’s usually other people who incite those fights.” I interrupted.

“...Right. I know you can change, Max, but I didn’t think that you would be so willing to accept ponies trying to change you is all I was trying to say.” Twilight said, her voice pleading.

I nodded and decided to throw her a bone. “I didn’t want to in the slightest, but I told you that Celestia and Luna were going to break and reshape me, Twilight. I don’t bend very well.”

Twilight looked rather disturbed by that. “Max, what are you trying to say?”

I tilted my head and furrowed my brow. “Exactly what I just said.”

“...It sounds like you’re saying that you’re not the same pony.”

“I just proved that I’m not, didn’t I?”

“...What happened while you were training, Amour?” She asked softly.

“I was broken and found ways to put myself back together so I could carry on. The Max you know and love is still here, cherry, and he’s never going away. There’s just… Different sides to me now, you could say. The Prince, the Person, and the Primal.”

Fear entered her gaze. “What does that even mean?”

I snapped and felt the shift. “Celestia broke off a piece and made me into a proper prince.” I snapped again, shifting again. “Luna broke off a piece and made it into lethal combatant.” One more snap and shift. “And I kept the largest piece for myself, as myself.”

Twilight looked like she was about to cry, so I leaned down and kissed her, holding her gently, but she pushed me away after a moment. “Max…”

“Yes, Cherry?”

“What… I… How are you just…” She sniffled.

“I’m tough, Twilight, and never let anyone tell you any different.” I gave her an easy smirk. “Now I just have more smooth edges than rough ones.”

“Max, I’ve never heard anypony describe being broken as a good thing!”

I shrugged. “Celestia and Luna are broken too, just in different ways. I’d describe my ideas to you, but I think they’d hit me for doing that.”

Twilight hugged me and let out a thick sob. I started levitating the bottles since I felt like she was about to drop them and held her close. “Really, Cherry. I’m okay. It’s over and I don’t have to go through it again, so let it out and let yourself feel better, okay? I’ve already made my peace with it, so take your time and just ruin this shirt, okay?”

She let out a weak chuckle and hugged me tighter. “I love you. Even if you aren’t the same pony anymore.”

“In fairness, I’m pretty sure that means that I’ve become a better person already, which was the goal all along if you recall.”

“I just… I thought it would be something you wanted to happen.”

“I got what I wanted, just not how I wanted it. Trust me, cherry, I’m fine as I am now,” I think, “and we’ll be fine. Little misunderstanding cleared up and all.”

“...I’m sorry I called you immature and violent.”

“Next time you call me immature I’m gonna punch ya.”

That earned me another little chuckle and Twilight looked up at me. “Why do you always take me on an emotional roller coaster?”

“Wait, you guys have those in Equestria?”

“Emotional roller coasters?”

“Roller coasters! We’ve gotta go to an amusement park!”

Twilight screwed her face up and started laughing until I licked her horn. That turned her laughter into a moan and made her hit me. “Stop doing that! I’m still not okay with what happened the last time!”

I rolled my eyes. “Oi! It’s not really your fault or mine. We didn’t know that a hornjob would end with you trying to fuck me like tomorrow wasn’t coming!”

She blushed and hit me again before clearing her eyes. “Alright, I’m cheered up. You can stop.”

“Stop what? I’m just being me.” I grinned.

She smiled and gave me a kiss. “Yes you are. Come on, let’s go get everypony their drinks.”

And so we did. When we got up the stairs, The room was awfully quiet, so Twilight and I got to pouring drinks and I surveyed the situation. Applejack was throwing a heated glare Crimson’s way and he was coolly avoiding looking at her. When everyone had their drinks, Twilight and I sat back down and she held my arm, likely sensing the tense atmosphere in the room.

I snapped my fingers softly and went into Prince Mode. “Alright Applejack, Crimson. Would one of you like to explain what’s going on?”

Crimson shook his head. “I’ve said my peace on the matter already.”

Applejack’s lip curled. “This buckhead thinks he can use the same excuse you had for breakin’ my cousin’s heart!”

“I find it highly unlikely that Crimson was teleported to his homeworld by a galactic superpower seeing as how this is his homeworld. I assure you that Crimson wasn’t lying when he said that he was in some plant in the Everfree for the duration of his absence, Applejack. Both of us would know if he were lying, so please; calm yourself or remove yourself. There is no need for hostility.” I said, exuding politeness and tact, if I do say so myself.

The cowgirl snorted. “Just cause it’s true doesn’t excuse him!”

“How so?” I asked neutrally. “The ability to go and see Braeburn was stolen from Crimson tide against his will. There was no way for him to know that not avoiding being effectively eaten by a plant would rob him of his freedom for an extended period of time, and I am also sure that Crimson told you that he had to be freed by one of the most powerful beings on the planet, Princess Luna. Applejack, is there something else bothering you, or are you truly upset at this poor ‘stallion’ who had a year and a half of his life taken from him by force?”

Applejack glared at me. “There ain’t nothin botherin’ me besides this colt thinkin’-”

“Thinking what, Applejack?” Twilight asked. “Thinking that something that clearly wasn’t his fault wasn’t his fault?”

“We’re not goin’ through this again, Twi.” Applejack said stubbornly.

I tilted my head from side to side. “When one hears the same thing multiple times from different sources, it tends to be correct. Not always, but most often.”

Applejack rose from her seat. “I’m goin’ home.”

Rainbow sighed. “Come on, AJ! Why don’t you just forgive somepony for once?”

Before Applejack could speak, I said, “It is Applejack’s choice when and to whom she gives her forgiveness. No one will bar you from leaving if you feel unwelcome Applejack, but know that you’re still a friend to me, whether or not you have forgiven me or Crimson.”

Applejack blushed hard and walked out silently. When we heard the door close, Rarity coughed. “Max, if I may?” I nodded in her direction. “That was a very mature way to handle a heated situation.”

Twilight squeezed my arm a bit tighter. “He’s already using what he’s learned, right? I’m so proud!”

Blue leaned around Onyx and gave me a brilliant smile. “So am I, baby. That easily could’ve been a shouting match before you went to Canterlot.”

I snapped softly again. “You know what? Fuck you guys, I’m gonna argue with the next person who says something to me, just to prove a point!”

“Argue with me, I dare you.” Blue said, looking me dead in the eyes.

“Whatever, Mum.” I mumbled.

That lightened the mood and got everyone laughing again, so that was nice. I started cracking jokes, a few of them bad, to keep the cheer up. When the glasses started getting empty, Twilight and I filled them with magical and non-magical Telekinesis, though everyone was careful to not mention Applejack. Pinkie asked Crimson how long he was going to be in Ponyville and he finally let it slip that he was my first Royal Employee or whatever and Twilight pinched me, asking why I hadn't just told her that. I said that I was going to when everyone left and Crimson didn’t turn out to be one of the people leaving. I got pinched again for that and Onyx congratulated Crimson on being my first ‘stallion’ which made me and Twilight giggle like fucking children even after the others stopped laughing at the innuendo.

The party ended around midnight and everyone seemed to be in a pretty good mood while leaving, but I asked Pinkie for a word in private, which surprised Twilight and Crimson. Twilight was surprised because she knew Pinkie, and Crimson was surprised because she’d done nothing but act silly and half-retarded throughout the entire party. Still, they both gave me my privacy and I took Pinkie into the sunroom to talk. We sat in silence for a moment, watching Deer poke their heads out of the Everfree until Pinkie broke the silence.

“I’m not really much of a warrior kinda pony, Max.” She said softly.

“I know, but out of our friends, you’re the only one with the stomach for ending lives. Rainbow talks a big game, but she’s too soft. We already saw what happened to Applejack when she thought she killed me. Rarity’s too soft, Fluttershy wouldn’t hurt a fly, and Twilight… I don’t want her to experience bloodshed first hand. She’ll see it, I’m sure, but you’re the only one out of everyone who would even survive on the battlefield.”

She looked at me and I returned her gaze. “Max, I’m a murderer, not a warrior. Just because I can end lives doesn't mean I can be effective in The War.”

I scoffed. “You’re one of the most powerful beings on this planet, Pinkie. You don’t have to have a sword in your hand to take care of business like a rank-and-file or myself. You get places no one else can, do things no one else can do. If I didn’t have complete faith that you could do what I’ll ask you to do, I wouldn’t ask you to do it.”

“Those who can should be those who do.” Pinkie sighed. She leaned forward in her seat and stared out of the window. “I’m not saying that I won’t, Max, but… You understand what The Paths are like. I won’t necessarily have that kind of control to just stop at one battalion, you know?”

“Trust me to be able to direct you where you need to go, Pinkie, or trust yourself to follow me. Whether you want to be used as an Operative or a soldier, I’ll support and protect you, no matter what.” I reached out for her hand.

She grasped mine. “To think: you used to be terrified of me and my insanity.”

“I got less scared when I realized there was more to it than you just doing whatever because you felt like it.”

Pinkie giggled. “No, I still do that sometimes too, but these days I try to make more ponies happy. For every pony I make happy, I get to do something goofy!”

“That explains why Ponyville is such a pleasant place. Speaking of, I heard you found the perfect guy for you.” I wiggled my brows at her.

Pinkie’s grin grew. “And the sex was crazy! I can’t wait until Cheese Sandwich is ready to settle down!”

“Ahh, he’s still got the wanderlust thing going on?”

“Like a lot of young stallions, he sure does. Hopefully the Patented Pinkie Pussy draws him back!”

“Oh my God, what the fuck, Pinkie?” I laughed.

“See? Another pony made happy by the Triple P and I didn’t even have to use it!” She gave me a half lidded smile. “Unless…?”

“Still not happening, Pinks, but thanks for the offer.”

“Thanks for the job! So when do I go on my first Operative mission?” She asked excitedly.

“Do you know how to fight?” I asked.

“Does hitting Ponies with a skillet faster than they can blink count?”

“It does as long as you’re knocking them out or killing them.”

“I’m more of a knife kinda girl when it comes to killing.”

“I understand that feeling.” I pulled my old dirk out from my boot and thought about the enchantment I should put on the Seal.

I conjured my Seal up and thought about ‘Danger Sensing’ before condensing it so that it would fit on the blade. Once I had it small enough, I placed it on the blade and it glowed brightly for a moment. I levitated the knife absent mindedly for a moment and detached the sheath from my boot so I could give that to Pinkie too, though I made sure to give it a sniff before just giving the thing to her. It was a little on the stinky side, so I figured I’d give it a vinegar bath before handing it off to her.

I still held the knife out to Pinkie handle first and she took it from me gingerly. “Max, does this mean…?”

“If you’re willing to accept me as your friend and prince, I’d be happy to have you as a colleague.” I gave her a smile.

“If I didn’t have something sharp in my hand I’d hug you! Even now I’m still tempted!” Pinkie beamed brilliantly. “I have to keep this a secret right?”

“Play it close to the chest if you can. I don’t want Celestia finding out that I just made one of the Elements of Harmony one of my own Agents just yet.”

“I’ll have your back, Max! On one little condition!”

I nodded. “Name it and we’ll see.”

“Give me the sheath.”

I raised a brow and handed it to her. When she sniffed, I said, “Really? Your fealty for smelly foot smells?”

“Hey, some mares just like things and your sweat smells phenomenal!”

“I’m going to pretend that you didn’t just say that. How do you plan on carrying that, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“I have a thigh sheath that I don’t use. It’s supposed to be for my crop, but a couple alterations here and there oughta do the trick!”

I tilted my head toward her. “Sexy as fuck. You said you wanted to be an Operative, right?”

“I sure did and I sure do! I’m not a frontliner at all.” Pinkie finished with a sad look.

“Well, everyone I have planned to go to war with me so far isn’t exactly a tank. Well, besides Nashoba.” We both shivered. “I’ll ask Crimson if he’d be willing to be on my strike force, but there are no guarantees. So far it’s just you, me, and the big black death machine in my living room.”

“Sounds like we’re already off to a good start! Whether or not she realizes it, Nashoba walk The Paths like we do!”

“Speaking of, do you know if one of my Paths will help me learn True Theft better than the others? I know ‘Primal’, as I’m going to start calling it, is good for combat type magic, but I don’t think theft is something that’s really a combat skill. I don’t think ‘Prince’ would let me steal, so I don’t think that one’s going to work, so do you think I need to split another Path or what?”

Pinkie shrugged. “Whatever floats your boat, Max. I can tell you a lot of things, but not how to handle your True Magic. It’s just not how this stuff works, you know?”

I sighed. “Yeah, I get it. Thanks anyways, Pinks.”

She smiled and patted my arm before sticking the dirk in her hair. “Thanks for the knife! I’ll be sure to use it while hunting!”

I nodded. “Just make sure you have evidence or don’t get caught. If you can find a way to bottle memories-”

“Not impossible, but that’s not something I can do. I refuse to take pictures too, because that means somepony’s suffering is going to be there for all to see. No, I’ll stick to my usual methods. Is there anything else you want to talk about, Max?”

I chewed my lip for a moment, a habit I picked up while working with Celestia. “Hmm. If you can get me intel on what countries are looking to go to war with Equestria and her allies, I’d be thrilled to hear that list.”

“I’ll take another day off work. It’s not like I ever use my vacation days anyways.” Pinkie muttered.

“Thanks, Pinkie. Once I get Crimson on board, we’ll start getting him active too-”

“That’s not necessary. Nashoba can’t keep you safe all the time and Twilight needs protecting. Have Crimson stay on as your bodyguard or have him investigate the new quarters at night since you wanted to check them out anyway.” Pinkie suggested.

“Huh. New face in town checking out the scene might turn up more results than I would. Yeah, I’ll have him do that sometime this week before I head into the Everfree to train.”

Pinkie smiled. “I’m glad to hear that you’re finally doing something about that! A lot of ponies coming in through the bad part of town need to be put in check since the police aren’t going to do anything about it.”

“Twilight and I will handle the judiciary business, or at least, I’ll set it up so she and Crimson will have their run of the place. Which reminds me, I need to set Crimson up with a Seal.”

“You could always put it on his hand!”

I shook my head. “Nah, shit hurts a lot. I’ll probably stick it on a knife or something.”

“Are all of your squad members going to get knives?” She asked judgementally.

“They do me just fine.” I sniffed.

She rolled her eyes. “Whatever, Maxxy. Speaking of your squad, what are you gonna name it?”

“Uh…” I chewed my lip again. “I guess I could go with something Latin since my full name is supposed to be Latin.”
‘

“Why not ‘Adstus’? It means craft, cunning, or guile.” Pinkie suggested, bouncing her brows.

“Because I’m a cunning thief. Yeah, I get it. I like Adstus.” I bobbed my head from side to side. “Adstus. Has a nice ring to it.”

Pinkie beamed. “Nice to have some input on the team! If there’s nothing else, Crimson’s put me in the mood for some furious activities that you don’t wanna hear about!”

“...I forgot he was handsome. Eh, there’s nothing else. Have at thee in your own home, Pinkie.”

“Planned on it!” She bounced out of the room and I followed her at a much more sedate pace.

I walked into the living room to find Crimson and Twilight looking at Pinkie as she left before they picked up their conversation where they left off. I cuddled up next to Twilight and paid a little attention, but they were talking about something that didn’t really involve me, so I looked around for Nashoba and found that she was laid out on the floor nearby. I got up from Twilight’s side and went to go pet her for a little bit, and when I got to her belly, her tongue lolled out and she rolled over onto her back to give me easier access. I gave her a good ten minutes of tummy love until I went off to go find my bowl so I could do some good old fashioned pottery. Heh, pottery. Get it? Because pottery’s already a thing and weed is- You know what? Fuck you if you didn’t chuckle.

Nashoba got up and followed me around for a little bit as I searched for the silverwood pipe, and when I found it and my box of weed, I took it back into the living room. She hopped up on the sectional next to Twilight and I took the other side, packing my pipe and lighting it with the fire Noir and Luna had taught me how to use. I didn’t notice that the conversation that had been going on stopped abruptly until I realized that Twilight wasn’t taking the pipe from me when I passed it to her.

“...Is something wrong?” I asked, smoke pluming out of my mouth.

“...Max, did you just light that with magic?” Twilight inquired.

“Yeah? What about it?”

She shook her head. “Since when can you do that?”

“Since Luna and my mentor showed me how. It’s useful if I don’t feel like blowing through my matches.”

Crimson coughed. “I don’t really see what the problem is, other than Max having magic when I was previously lead to believe he only had Dark Magic.”

“I have Dark Magic and Alicorn Magic, mate. I can’t use the Alicorn stuff at the moment.” I explained.

“Oh… Well, I guess what I said earlier still stands. No evil magic, just evil ponies.” Crimson said firmly.

“Oh! I’m not trying to say Max is evil, I’m just surprised that he didn’t tell me about any new magic he got while he was away.” Twilight gave me a little look.

I raised a brow at her and she took the pipe from me before the cherry could die. “When was I supposed to tell you? I just got back today and you had stuff to get done. If you want a full run-through, I’ll give it to you.”

She puffed on the pipe a couple of times. “If you don’t mind.”

I rolled my eyes. “I got Dark Fire, the ability to make fire with Dark Magic, as the name implies. I got better with Telekinesis instead of the Psychokinesis I used to use-”

Crimson furrowed his brow. “Aren’t they the same thing? Rather, aren’t they different words for the same thing?”

“They’re similar words, but I use them for different things. I can use Telekinesis to levitate multiple things at the same time, or I can use Psychokinesis to pick up heavier individual things. The Telekinesis can move furniture around, but the Psychokinesis can move boulders up to about three hundred and forty kilos, or-”

“About seven hundred and fifty pounds…” Twilight murmured.

I nodded at her. “Yup. It scales with my physical strength to a point. I used to only be able to pick something up that was about two hundred and twenty or so kilos.”

“About five hundred pounds.” Twilight translated for Crimson.

Crimson raised his brows. “Wow. I guess you’ve gotten better with that ‘psychic tentacle’, haven’t you?”

“I sure have. I didn’t get much of a choice in the matter.”

Twilight passed the pipe back to me. “You keep vaguely hinting at your training, but you don’t ever say what went on.”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

Crimson nodded. “I understand the feeling. My training as an Operative was absolute Tartarus, and I don’t really talk about that either.”

Twilight looked between us. “Am I the only pony here that hasn’t been through some excruciating journey or training to get what they have?” Yeah, basically.

I patted her head patronizingly. “You’ve been through a difficult journey with the stuff you’ve done for your Alicorn bullshit, it’s just that it took you longer than it took us, so it didn’t seem as bad.”

She smacked my hand away and took my pipe back from me. “You’re getting awfully careless with your words!”

“Blame it on the lack of giving a damn. Is there any cake left?” I asked.

Crimson nodded. “There’s a slice or two. They turned out pretty well, didn’t they?”

“I blame you for that.”

He looked at me funny. “It’s not really blame if it’s a good thing.”

“Shut up and go listen to some trap music or something.” I scolded.

“I don’t know what that is.” Crimson said.

“You should. You’re black, after all.”

Twilight and Crimson looked at his coat. “I don’t see what that has to do with anything.” Twilight said.

“Neither do I.” Crimson added.

I sighed. “It’s a Human thing.”

Nashoba looked at me. “Stop saying stupid things and go to bed.”

Twilight picked the perfect time to yawn. “It is getting rather late.”

Crimson stretched. “It’s been a bit of a day, hasn’t it? I suppose I’ll see you in the morning.”

I checked my pocket watch. “It is the morning. It’s like, one, but I guess I can let your little transgressions slide for the time being.”

Crimson scoffed and headed towards his room. “We’re still going shopping for decorations tomorrow, aren’t we? Not for the house, but for my room.”

“Yeah, you’re still not allowed to decorate my house, but your room is yours to do whatever you want with, mate. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to spend the night with the sweetest cherry, and that cherry just so happens to be purple.” I said offhandedly.

“Here’s hoping the walls are thick.” Crimson muttered.

“They’re thicker than the rocks in your head!” I called from the stairs.

“How the buck did you hear that?” Crimson asked loudly.

“Super hearing. Good night, Crimson.” Twilight said for me.

We headed upstairs and from there, things got nice and cuddly. It was pleasant to have Twilight in my arms again and I could happily say that the wait was worth it, though I was a little sad that we weren’t going to be able to walk around the house naked anymore. It’s not like it was a terribly big loss since we’d never done it in the first place, but it still kinda sucked to no longer have the option. Twilight and I didn’t even really need the privacy, but I had a feeling that Crimson was going to tire of the small town life quickly enough and I wasn’t sure if he was going to find whatever it was that he was looking for here in Ponyville. Hell, I wasn’t even sure why Celestia and Luna had thought it would be a good idea to have a guy I practically killed myself come live with me! I obviously wasn’t going to be able to sleep tonight, so when Twilight suggested that we write in our ‘diaries’ (she has a diary, I have a journal), I agreed and got things done up to somewhere here in the near future. Just keep fucking reading if you’re that curious where I stop. Twilight wrote for a good hour before she wanted to roll over and go to sleep, so I cuddled up to her until she fell asleep and continued exactly where I’d left off without a page break since I’d stopped between paragraphs on the same subject.

There was still something I had to sort out, so I slipped out of bed and got dressed just as silently, stopping every time I heard Twilight stir. Thankfully Shadow Diving was a silent endeavor, so I didn’t have to worry about a soft ‘pop’ waking her up or anything, and the Dive was to one of the two people I wanted to see the least out of everyone I generally liked. When I rose behind the Throne in the Court Hall, I looked around and waved at one of the guards standing behind the Throne. He immediately ran up to me, but I flashed him the Signet Ring and he let me walk around without two words, though Luna had already asked what the commotion was about. When I crossed into her line of sight, she gave me an odd look.

“Maximus. I was under the impression that you didn’t want to see Celestia or myself for awhile.” She said, befuddled.

I folded my arms and responded flatly. “That was before a dead man showed up on my doorstep and gave me a hug.”

Luna actually smiled. “Ahh, I see Crimson has arrived in Ponyville already. He is worthy of being your first employee, is he not?”

“Luna, love, if you could have the guards step out for a moment-”

“Maximus, my friend, they are yours to command. You are a Prince of Equestria, after all.”

I nodded. “Guards! Steward! Please depart from the Court Hall for fifteen minutes, soft time, preferably late!”

We waited for the staff and soldiers to leave before speaking again. “What is it you wish to speak of, Max? I’m sure you’re glad that Crimson is still alive.”

“My emotions on the matter are mixed, Luna. I saw with my own eyes, heard with my own ears that Crimson Tide died by Celestia’s hand. I’m glad my friend is alive, but why the fuck would you think that I’d want someone I was handed a death sentence for as my first employee?” I asked, confused.

Luna shrugged. “Did Celestia ever say that she killed him? Actually, I’m rather sure that I asked her not to.”

I stared at her. “So Celestia ‘killing’ Crimson was…?”

“That was her taking him out of your equation. Celestia and I wanted to see where you stood as far as your morals and your view on what we were doing as rulers, and once we saw that you agreed with us, or rather, Celestia, you were deemed a far more useful person. We had many more plans for you in the coming years, but things got lost in translation and I had Celestia store Crimson in a plant in the Everfree that would allow me to warp his mind so that he sees what you see: two eternal leaders who do the best for their nation based on the Harmonic Values that aren’t afraid to get their hands dirty to keep the peace.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “So what? You didn’t want to lose a good Operative so you faked his death to his friends and lover just for what? Celestia promised to stop warping minds, Luna, not you. You could have done the same shit she used to pull on him and-”

“And what, Maximus? We needed to see where you lie on the matter, as I just explained. Crimson was a good tool to find where your loyalties lay and when we sent him to work with Cadance, he continued being the Operative he once was, and now since you are a member of Equestrian Royalty, he is yours to command. Crimson Tide is a powerful ‘pawn’, though I would rather call him a bishop, and he is now under your control, is he not?” I nodded, glaring.” Put that look on your face aside and be happy that your friend isn’t dead and has been furthering the goals of the country you chose over your home world.”

I groaned. “God, I keep forgetting that you and Celestia are actually despicable people on so many levels, but then you keep reminding me.” Luna shrugged. “Fine. I’ll let it go that you fucked with me big time if you let me have something in return.”

“You’re a Prince, you foal. It’s well within your right to ask pretty much anything.” Luna huffed.

“Damn straight. I want to put together a strike force. Actually, I’m already putting together a strike force, and so far, I have two members for sure, but I’ll need more if I want to get any kind of anything done.”

Luna narrowed her eyes. “A ‘strike force’? I don’t understand.”

“I’m putting together a team of people who get shit done in ways that normal soldiers and spies can’t. Basically, I’m collecting the best of the best. The cream of the crop. The weirdest of the weird.”

“Strange. Go on.”

“I’ve already got two Operative types on my team, though I still technically need to ask Crimson if he wants to be a member of the team. I’m assuming that he will just because I’m his Prince, but still. I’d like to give him the option of saying no. I’m looking for a third to help me round it out-”

“I have a Pony in mind by the name of Crystal Shade. She’s been asking for a special assignment since she came to Equestria from the Crystal Empire and I think your detail may be something akin to what she’s looking for.”

“Have her on standby until I return from the Everfree and send her to Ponyville. I’ll have Daisy Carnival and Crimson give her a look before I settle on her.”

Luna tilted her head. “Who is Daisy Carnival?”

“Crimson’s teacher from The Guard and a former Operative on top of that. The guy was lethal in his prime: a legend by Crimson’s standards.” I explained.

“Experience in the field is valuable. Why not take this Daisy Carnival as one of your fighters?”

I shook my head. “He’s past his prime. Far be it from me to keep him as anything other than a retainer or a trainer.”

Luna nodded. “Fair enough. I thought he may be one of the early retirees from the Operative Core, but if you say he is too old to fight-”

I raised my hands. “No, no, you’ve got me all wrong. The guy’s not too old to fight, he’s just not the man he once was. I think Crimson would have the edge on him these days and I know I could take him. I just need him to come up with a proper regimen to keep my crew sharp and in shape since I assume he retired for a good reason.” That, and I’m really not trying to take my Mum’s boyfriend to war with me.

She nodded again. “Fair enough. So besides Crimson, who is your other Operative?”

“Can’t tell you that.” I said evenly.

The Lunar Diarch narrowed her eyes. “You would ask for my help and deny me information?”

I made a so-so gesture. “It’s a she and she’s already employed in another way, but we both agree that it’s best if I keep her name away from yourself and Celestia. Trust me when I say that she has Equestria’s best interests at heart.”

Luna snorted. “If it is as you say, then I suppose I have no choice but to trust you, no matter how foalish I believe your withholding of information to be. Who else do you have on this team of yours?”

“I have Nashoba, but besides the three people I’ve mentioned and myself, there aren’t that many. I need more members to take into war with me, and Crystal Shade, Crimson, and ‘Her’, as we’ll call her, aren’t going to be fighting by my side. I need an elite guard of sorts, or battle brothers and sisters to make people less alive by my side.”

A smile started to form on her face. “So you’re looking for warriors to join your merry little band of Operatives?”

I nodded. “I am.”

“Then you’ll have your pick, though I suppose you’ll want some of the friends you made in The Guard?”

“If they can survive the training I have planned for them. I’ll warn them vaguely about how tough it’ll be, but if they’re not scared off, then I’ll see if Daisy and Crimson can make them lethal with weapons.”

“You remember when I beat you with that cane for losing to Swift Strike?” Luna asked out of the blue.

“No, I forgot about the profuse bleeding that you healed and started all over again.” I said drily.

She nodded curtly. “I suggest you take Swift Strike. I may have been keeping an eye on him since he beat you, and now that he is in the position of instructor, I happen to know that he’s looking for something more exciting.”

I pursed my lips. “I’ll take him in a heartbeat, though I’m going to have to start getting more rooms in my house if this keeps up. That’ll make two more additions and I think I’ll only have so many more rooms left open.”

“I will commission temporary accommodations if you feel your house is getting too full.”

“It should be fine for awhile. I’ve got nine rooms total, though two have never been used. With me in the ninth, I’ve got eight left, and with Crimson and Shade coming in, I’ll have six left over. If I can get Swift, then I’ll have five, but I only need two more people to round out the battle force-”

“Which I am sure you will find in the Guard or in your travels.”

“Right. So three rooms spare and I want a medic of some kind-”

“What kind of medic do you want?” Luna asked, interrupting me again.

“Preferably one who can handle their field quite well. If they can hold their own in a fight, that’s a plus, but I don’t think I need them to.”

“I have met a mare who was trained as a medic and was fantastic at the craft, but strayed because her interest lie elsewhere. She could be your medic.” She said slowly, a grin creeping onto her face again.

“...Is she weird?”

“The weirdest.”

“It’s fucking Starshine, isn’t it?” I groaned. “That woman tolerates me, Lulu, but just barely, I think.”

Luna shrugged. “She was a great medic and she’s excellent with a dagger.”

“Fine, I’ll take her for the time being, but I want you to hold onto her house in Hooverton in case I ship her arse home.”

“Done. Name your team so far, Maximus. If anything then to help you keep it straight”

“From the top, starting with Spec Ops: Maximus, Crimson Tide, Crystal Shade, ‘Her’. Battle Force: Nashoba, Swift Strike, two missing. Medic: Starshine Nebula.”

“Count yourself as a member of each separate team, save for the medic, and you will only need one more combatant.”

I shook my head. “I want four people going into the fight with me.”

“For three thousand years, every five person squad I’ve taken into battle was destroyed save for myself. Even with good odds at our back. I highly suggest you take four into battle including yourself since you yourself should be fighting with the weight of two people behind your blows.” She smirked.

“I’ll take advice where I can get it, I guess. That does mean one less mouth to feed in my house anyway.”

“I’m sure that will make Twilight happier than having a house full of six people she doesn’t know.”

“Yeah, I’ll just tell her that five is better than six because reasons.” I said flatly.

“It is objectively better. I will add more funds to your account so you can get proper training equipment…” Luna tapped her chin and crossed her legs the other way. “Have you thought of a name for this team yet?”

“Yeah, actually. I was thinking ‘Adstus’. It means-”

“Cunning or guile.” Luna stared me down. “Where did you get this name from?”

“It’s from an old, dead language back in my world.”

“Odd. It was also the former national language of the Alicorns, if Maximus and Adstus are from the same one in your world.”

I nodded. “They are. I’m surprised you guys had Latin here. It was mostly used by weaboo trash back in my world in an attempt to sound cool.”

“Here the language was called Alicin-”

“Alison?”

“No, A-L-I-C-I-N. I feel like there was an ‘O’ when you said it.”

“There was. Huh.”

“May I suggest names for your individual teams since ‘Operatives’ and ‘Battle Force’ sound ridiculous?” Luna asked.

“Feel free, I guess.”

“Excursor for your Operatives and Praelia for your warriors. Both sound much better than the originals.”

I scratched my head. “They really do, to be honest with you. Thanks for that, I guess.”

“You’re welcome. Is there anything else you need?”

“Are there any other dead friends that I need to worry about coming back?”

“None that I am aware of. If there’s nothing else, and since I know I am not going to get a hug, you may go.”

“I’m a Prince! You can’t casually dismiss me!” I protested playfully.

“I’m older than you, I can tell you to do whatever I so choose!” Luna stuck her tongue out at me.

“Whatever, Moon Moon. I’ll see you at a later date.”

She waved. “Until then, insufferable princeling.”

I pushed off the floor with my toes and let myself fall backwards on my heels until I slid through the shadows and arrived back in my room. With that little bit of business over and done with, I got undressed, redressed, and got back in bed to cuddle Twilight. I was planning on telling her sometime in the evening the next day that I was going to be getting a lot more employees, and I was going to have a word with Crimson about him becoming the Captain of sorts in my team. I had a feeling he would run things in a way that I’d be fine with, so it made sense for me to ask him to be a leader in my staff, though I didn’t really feel like I should be pressuring him into doing something like that anyways. It wasn’t even a sure thing that he would agree to my demands, but I rather hoped that he would. After all, the guy was easily one of the most capable Operatives and I’d seen him in action: The guy was no joke at all. It had been too long for me to know if he was faster than Swift, but I knew for a fact that he was a lot more lethal, and if I could get Onyx Lock on board with training, things were going to be looking up as far as my involvement in The War.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I’m surprised I’m still bothering to write, but I can’t sleep and Twilight’s not facing me, so I can’t really stare at her until I do. I might go visit Noir and see if she has any words for me, but I don’t think she’ll disagree with the team I’m putting together since she knows what I know. In fact, I hate to make an entry this short, but it’s already four in the morning and I don’t think it’s going to really matter in the long run. If you disagree, eat ass and get Typhoid.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Alright, so I went to go see Noir and she was happy to find that Luna was willing to help me put together my team, though she’d told me that I’d have better luck with Luna than Celestia in the first place. However, neither of us had been expecting to have one of our Operative slots filled so quickly by someone presumed to be about as alive as a fucking doornail. Still, Crimson’s arrival was a good thing indeed, and since the ball was already rolling at speed, I needed to have Luna get a move on with that training equipment as fast as possible since she knew what she was doing better than I did. I imagined she was going to rebuild the Hell she put me through in my backyard, though I hoped it would be a lot less painful and scarring. Speaking of scarring things, Noir tried to get me to stop trying to block off the memories of Luna’s training and made me face them like she’d done with the memories of her own training. I knew I was just going to have to sit and watch the torment from the same point of view, but fucking Christ, was that ever cruel. Noir said it just made me that much more ‘badass’ for facing it, but I just felt like I was getting beaten all over again.

No, I still don’t want to talk about it.

Once we made it through the worst of the training with Luna, she moved on to the training with Celestia and that was more boring than it was painful. Still, with every resounding rap of her yardstick against my knuckles, I could feel a phantom pain rise up in them all over again, but I no longer flinched like I had during the first week. Still; shit hurt. After a session of the most important facts, Noir had me go a couple rounds with the Swift Strike construct and, as always, had me fight fairly so she would know if I was really getting better or if I was just getting cheaper. I beat my usual time by parrying one of his punches with one of my own and using the time he took to recover to reach in and grab ahold of his head so I could break his neck. Shit was brutal, but I’d cleared my old time by a good seven seconds, and Noir told me to be proud of that at least. She still wanted me to go another round, but to kill him with flowing strikes this time and that shit was difficult without going into Primal Mode.

To explain what flowing strikes are, it’s a constant barrage of strikes that either negate your opponent’s or hit home. For example, while in the middle of using flowing strikes, you could be hammering someone’s chest with rapid strikes nonstop and they might throw a punch at you. To avoid being hit, you have to recognize that they’re trying to attack you and start hammering away at the arm they’re trying to hit you with using one fist while maintaining a steady rhythm with the other, keeping up the power and consistency of the strikes. It’s fucking hard, and I can barely do it in Person Mode, but in Primal, it’s my go to if I want someone to know they’re being outclassed in a fight, even though I never actually used it. To a point, I could pull it off with Swift, but I had to be the first one to hit and I needed a few seconds to set the rhythm, otherwise my arse was grarse. It’s a physically intense way of beating someone down and the closest thing I can think of that looks anything like it is when Donnie Yen does it using Wing Chun in the Ip Man series. Again, it’s not a technique you can just look at and copy: you need a proper mentor and preferably a sparring opponent before you can use it to any manner of effectiveness. I myself still prefer using joint strikes and I’m now fond of hitting pressure points and nerves when I’m in hand-to-hand combat, but it’s still something I need to practice since apparently it’s been a royal fighting technique that’s been passed down since before Noir was young. I know Luna knows it, but she never said if Celestia did. Huh. I wonder if Celestia can still scrap.

Those thoughts out of the way, once I managed to go a round with Swift without getting hit, Noir let me take a break and gave me love and affection that I didn’t really want at the moment. It wasn’t that I don’t like getting hugs from her, it’s just that the woman pushes me to the brink every time I see her these days and I just… I feel like she was supposed to be the guardian of my sanctuary and now she’s just trying to turn me into an even more battle hardened arsehole. It’s not like I don’t understand where she’s coming from: really, I do, but that’s not how you keep friends. You don’t push people to the edge of their limits every day and just expect them to be fine with it, especially when you’re so much more than friends. Next time I see her, I’ll talk to her about going a bit easier on the excessive training, but other than that, I don’t think there’s much I really want out of her other than some actual quality time spent in each other’s company that doesn’t involve beating the shit out of something or someone.

Bitching aside, I came out of the mindscape to get this part written down and then I’ll just lay in bed or something for a little while, though I suppose I could go grab A Star-Crossed Love and try to finish that. There are still some parts that I want to take care of before I lose the ideas, so I’ll Shadow Dive out of bed to go and get it. I have a feeling tomorrow’s going to get a little hectic, but I’ll explain to Twilight ahead of time that I just need more staff for… Reasons, I guess. That’s going to be weird to explain… Man, fuck. I still have to reserve Spike’s room anyway, which is something I didn’t take into account.

Either way, I should still have a few open guest rooms, but training my soldiers to be as lethal as I can get them is going to be a bitch. A worthy endeavor, but a bitch nonetheless. Hopefully tomorrow doesn’t bring too many things on me before I start planning my foray into the Everfree, and I better not have anyone who’s terribly messy in my Goddamn house. I swear, I’ll fucking kill someone if they don’t flush a toilet.

God, this might turn out to be a nightmare.

Author's Note

I lost a little time with writing due to the Fourth of July and being out of town for fie days, but at least I still get shit more doner than I could do. At wort, I've only lost a chapter out of my backlog, but still. I like to keep things shored up, just in case
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As Always, Kill It Harder

Stay Cool, Kids.

Chapter Forty-Five: Getting Things Settled
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Forty-Five: Getting Things Settled

Chapter Forty-Five: Getting Things Settled

I didn’t sleep at all the night before, so when Twilight woke up and found that I was writing in bed instead of sleeping next to her, she asked me if I was okay. I told her that I was trying to get there and that a little bit more time might help me to wrap my head around some things I’d had planned. Of course that opened up a can of worms that I didn’t want to deal with, namely Twilight asking what was on my mind, so I told her that I’d tell her after a cup of coffee on the back porch, so she said we could get it done sooner rather than later. I put my writing aside and snuggled up to her, kissing her face a few times and promising that we could talk later, just not now.

Twilight soaked up my affection and let me give her an early morning favor since I was in the mood to do something nice for her, though when I finished, she asked if I was just softening her up for rough news and I assured her that I probably was depending on what she found to be rough news. That made her a little suspicious as to what I was going to tell her, but I asked that Twilight let me have breakfast before we start getting into the tough stuff and she agreed, but she wanted another favour in the form of a hornjob in the shower and I was happy to give it to her. We picked out some clothes for the day and got to it nice and early since the sun was barely rising, though I was still stressing out over telling her about Adstus in general. I mean, who wants to tell their fiance that they’re effectively putting together a Death Squad? I mean, besides Eva Braun or Adolf I guess, but that’s a special case, yeah?”

In any case, Twilight got her hornjob and I got a wet handy that wasn’t terrible, though I requested that Twilight just blow me since it’s been so fucking long since I got any manner of relief. I didn’t bother trying to show off with my stamina since I seriously didn't give a fuck and just wanted to get off, so I just let it happen as Twilight wanted it to and when the time came I gave her due warning before I gave her a taste of what my daycare was like. Actually, I'm pretty certain my swimmers swim anymore. I keep forgetting that I’m sterile and that shit’s just depressing when I think about it, but then again, it’s not like I ever wanted kids in the first place. I guess I could always adopt a kid from a foreign land or something, that is, if Equestria isn’t at war with it in the coming years. Fuck raising another Dragon though. I don’t wanna deal with that bullshit, no offense to Spike. I really just don’t want to ruin a carnivore by raising it in an herbivore’s lands.

When everyone was nice and sated and Twilight had a mouthful of who I was in particular, we got to getting the rest of our morning routines finished, though Twilight was still harrowed when I whipped out the Warbling Blade and shaved with it. I don’t see why she doesn’t like it: it’s not her face. Still, I guess she doesn’t like the idea of someone fucking with a face she’d like to claim as hers. Anyways, we went downstairs and I started getting breakfast put together for her in the form of waffles and i made a few pancakes for Crimson before I realized I had no idea what he liked for breakfast. I figured he could fend for himself if he really wanted to, though I wondered why an Operative of all people was one to sleep in past royalty. It’s a little odd if you think about it, but then again, you might not think so. Either way, agree with me. I’m cool.

Crimson showed his face as I was kissing Twilight on the couch, doing my best to see if wine and syrup went well together. They were an absolutely terrible combination, but Twilight’s lips are still tasty nonetheless and there’s no substance I know of that could convince me otherwise unless it was actual Bitrex, but I digress. I let Crimson know that his pancakes had gotten cold and he said that he was more of a savory kind of breakfast fellow anyway, so Twilight followed me into the kitchen so I could finish them off. Crimson sorted through my shit until he found some grits that I’d had forever yet never used and grated some cheese onto a bowl once he got them boiled or however the fuck you cook grits. Whichever disgusting way he was making them, I didn’t want any part of his vile nonsense, so once he finished and washed his bowl, I asked him and Twilight if there was a specific room they wanted to have a certain kind of talk in. Crimson didn’t care, so Twilight suggested the parlour since it had held all kinds of talks before, though she was wary of the topic I was planning on bringing up.

I sat them down in the parlour and paced around for a little bit, trying to get a grip on how I wanted to broach the subject with them. I was, of course, planning on going with full disclosure, but the question here was how to phrase it so that Twilight wouldn’t freak out or think that we were in more trouble than we already were. I knew I was trying to sugarcoat things for her and that was a load of crap on my end, but I felt like I needed to break things delicately to her. I tightened the belt, deciding to get it over with.

“Alright Twilight, Crimson. I’m putting together a team of sorts. A strike force, if you will, and those people will ,for the most part, be living here.” I said slowly. I looked between them to gauge their responses.

Twilight gave me an odd look. “Why are you putting a team together? Why keep them all in your house?”

“I’m putting a team together for a mission of sorts that might save the world and I need to keep everyone on my team close to make sure they stay in top form.” I looked at Crimson. “I was actually hoping to have you join the team, if you’re so inclined. I’ll understand if you don’t want to-”

He waved my words aside. “Max, you’re a guy worth following. I’ve thought that since our first job together, and since then, all I’ve seen is that you’ve continued to learn and grow in the time since we’ve seen each other. If you want me on your team, I’ll lead it or round up the rear. The position doesn’t matter to me as long as you don't ask me to do obviously stupid stuff.”

I cracked a smile. “I actually want you to lead the team if I ever need to take leave, but still. I’m glad to hear that you’re willing to help me out with this since I’m kinda going to need you to help train some of our members.”

Twilight raised a hand. “Um, Amour, what kind of team are you trying to put together, because it doesn’t sound like you’re just making a group of friends.”

I scratched my head. “I guess strike force really doesn’t mean shit here. I’m putting together a team of people who get shit done, Twilight, one way or another. They’re not always going to be as nice as Crimson, but so far, it’s me, ‘Her’, Nashoba, and Crimson on the slate to get this team going.”

Crimson waved. “This team have a name?”

“Adstus. It means ‘cunning’, or ‘guile’. I explained.”

“Ah. Interesting.”

I nodded and turned back to Twilight. “Look, Cherry. The Elements of Harmony save the world your way, my team saves the world my way. Hopefully your way works better than my way, but I need Adstus to get us through the tough times ahead, one way or another-”

“Max, what are you talking about? What tough times?” My fiance asked, her eyes wide.

I grimaced. “There’s darkness on the path, Twilight, and it’s gonna get real foggy, but I can’t tell you much more than that. It’s not that I’m trying to hide something from you, I literally can’t tell you, kinda like how I couldn’t tell you about God when I died in Fluttershy’s cabin. You remember that, right?”

“Yeah… I remember, but are you sure you can’t just let me and the girls handle it? I mean, we’ve come through on so many different occasions-”

“And so have I, my love, but I don’t think your way is going to stave off the darkness this time.” I gave her a sad smile.

“If… If you say so, I guess. What kind of ponies are you going to be bringing?”

“The best of the best and the weirdest of the weird.” I said.

“...That’s a strange combination.” Twilight said uneasily.

I shrugged. “It’s a good one. I know a couple of them are going to be guards from Canterlot, but other than that, I can’t promise that you’ll know anyone.”

Twilight brightened up. “Well, if you’re not just collecting a bunch of Operatives, I guess that’s okay.”

I traded a look with Crimson and I asked, “What’s that supposed to mean? You realize Crimson and I are both Operatives, right?”

She lit up bright red and sputtered for a moment. “I-I didn’t mean that how it came out! I’m just saying that Operatives have a reputation for attracting and being trouble... “ She offered me a weak smile.

Crimson raised a brow at me. “How many Operatives are we going to have on this team?”

I looked off to the side and counted. “Technically? Including you, ‘Her’, and myself, there will technically be five.”

Twilight choked on her own saliva, so I went over and rubbed her back. “Max! That’s so many Operatives!”

Crimson nodded. “I have to agree. One Operative, one mission, friend. That’s how it’s always been unless we’re training.”

I looked him dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll explain why that isn’t the case here if you need me to, but I want you to trust me when I say that we’re all going to be playing a part and that we might end up in a straight up war.”

Twilight hacked and coughed harder. “War!?”

I looked at her strangely. “Twilight, you already knew about that.”

“I did not!” She looked at me, scared.

Shite, looks like Discord aid her a visit while I was gone. “Well you know now.” I sighed. “That’s why the Elements might not be able to handle this. It’s not just a single entity you’re going to have to beat. I’m going to do my best to keep everyone safe and sound on a diplomatic front, but that’s mostly Celestia and Luna’s problem. Trust me when I say that you’ll have your part, Twilight, it’s just that mine is a lot clearer and a lot less pleasant to look at.”

Crimson sighed. “I should’ve asked what I was getting into before I agreed.”

“You really should’ve, but fuck you for a fool, yeah?” I smirked at him.

He flipped me off and I flipped him off my way, rubbing his long, hard middle finger into the soft, tender flesh between my fingers. It probably didn’t help that I licked my lips and winked at him. “You’re a weird guy, you know that, Max?”

“Shh, you’ll wake the blunglesnorps.” I hushed.

Twilight grabbed my arm. “Max, don’t just go off on some weird tangent! You’re gearing up for war and you want me to sit by and do nothing!”

I glared at her. “No, I want you to stay with the Elements and get ready to petrify, purify, or disappear some shit when the time comes. If I can have you safe and sound until you need to be in danger, then I won’t have to worry about tearing apart the fool who messed with you in the first place.”

“That’s not going to happen!” She held up her ring. “If you’re going into war, then I’ll be right beside you the whole way, no matter what and there’s nothing that will change my mind on that!”

“Look, I don’t know how immortal you are, but we already know I come back if I get stabbed-”

“I don’t.” Crimson interjected.

“Shut up, mortal. As I was saying, there are lives I’m willing to risk and yours isn’t one of them. Hell, you remember the time you killed that Manticore on the way to deal with that Ursa Major?” She nodded slowly. “You don’t have the stomach to kill things, Twilight. Crimson and I end lives, and that’s the kind of people I need on my team. Semi-sane people with fewer morals that still have good ones who just so happen to have certain skills that I need to get us by.”

“Max…” Twilight said, dejected.

I kissed her horn lightly. “Look, this should be proof better than any that I love you above all others. I just can’t afford to lose you, Twilight, and you know I’m not in any real danger since I’m so damn immortal. I just need you to be safe until I can beat back this evil into submission. You have faith in me, right?” She nodded, sniffing. “Then believe that I’ll be okay and that I’ll bring my squad out of this. Besides, we don’t even know when shit’s going to hit the fan, so don’t think this is all going to happen tomorrow or something. We have time before the trouble starts, if my gut tells me right, so just breathe.”

“Okay…”

I turned to Crimson. “I know you have a lot of questions.”

He glanced over at Twilight. “They can wait.”

“I was hoping you would say that. How would you feel about working with Starshine again?”

Crimson groaned hard. “Oh come on! I’ve avoided that mare since I came back!”

“She’s not that bad, mate. She’s just weird.” I replied.

“That’s because she’s not your ex! She turned me gay!” Crimson whined like a lil’ bitch.

“Then tuck it between your legs and pretend like you’re a lady and she might just leave you alone.” I suggested.

“Max! That’s not nice!” Twilight protested.

I sighed. “I’m sorry, that was insensitive. What I really meant to say was just tell her to leave you alone. Have you tried that?”

“...Shut up.” Crimson muttered.

I gave him a look. “So she made you gay, but you haven’t told her?”

“Well, I just couldn’t stand to be with her anymore and I was bisexual anyway.”

“If she’s going to be an issue, I can arrange for us to get another medic.” I said.

Crimson shook his head. “If that’s the role she’s going to fill, then I think we’ll be fine. Just don’t have her do the thing she likes and we’ll all be fine.”

“Shit, I’m actually going to need some of her white stuff if you know what I mean. I have a plan for it.”

“You mean the ‘Special Sauce’?” He asked.

I nodded. “It’s why I’m working with so many Operatives. We need to get it distributed into enemy ranks if it ever comes to it.”

“What are you two talking about?” Twilight asked.

I leaned down and gave her a kiss that she returned a little hesitantly. “Nothing that you want to hear about, Cherry. Trust me.”

“I think I might just go home or something. Will I see you tonight?”

“I’m slated to do some more hunting with Nashoba tonight, but if you’d like to talk to the guy I’m going to assign as your bodyguard while I do, you’re welcome to do it.”

“You want Crimson to be my guard?” Twilight asked. “What for?”

“When I go into the Everfree, I need something for him to do. Security detail sounds a lot more pleasant if you treat it as getting to know each other.” I said pleasantly.

Crimson snorted. “You’re lucky you’re you, Max.”

I may have forgotten that you hate Twilight. “Oh yeah… You wouldn’t say that if you knew how Luna trained me, but think whatever you want, mate. I have another mission for you if you don’t want to get to know my blessed bun-bun better.”

Twilight blushed. “Blessed bun-bun?”

“I needed something for the alliteration purposes.” Twilight stood up and gave me a hug. “I’ll probably see you later today if you’re not doing anything.”

“I’m not too busy today, but if you don’t make it over, I’ll understand. I love you.” She gave me a peck.

“I love you.” I replied, giving her another little peck.

Twilight waved Crimson goodbye and walked out out of the room before teleporting out because she knows I don’t like it when people just pop out whenever the fuck they feel like it. Shit bothers me. I looked at Crimson and asked, “So what do you need to know? I don’t have all the details myself, but I’ll answer what I can.”

“First of all, who is ‘Her’?” He asked.

“‘Her’ is Pinkie Pie’s codename that we’ll be using for the Princesses sake. They don’t need to know that one of the Elements of Harmony has probably killed as many if not more people than I have, and I’m sure Pinkie doesn’t want anyone to know that either. The only reason I’m telling you is because you’re the Captain and you need to know what’s going on.”

“...Did you seriously recruit that insane mare?” Crimson asked in disbelief.

“She’s more dangerous than either of us, Crimson.” I walked over to the door and knocked on it twice. “Pinkie? Are you available for a quick chat?” I stepped back and waited.

Crimson was looking at me like I was crazy until Pinkie came through wearing ninja clothes that were generally ruined by the bright pink of her hair. “All you ever have to do is ask, Max! I’m getting that list you asked put together as we speak!”

“Lovely. Pinkie, meet the Captain of Adstus, Crimson Tide.”

She bounced over and shook his hand. “Hiya Crimson!”

“...We’ve met. We met last night, actually.”

Pinkie’s hair went flat. “We’ve met, but we haven’t. When you’re dealing with me, you need to know that there are multiple facets of Pinkie that you’ll be dealing with, but you have time to learn.” She looked to me. “So what are we doing here, Max?”

“We’re answering questions since I think you can fill in the blanks better than I can. I’m sure Crimson’s first one is going to be directed towards both of us or something of the sort.” I replied.

Crimson stared blankly for a moment at Pinkie’s change in tone and posture. “Uh… Yeah, so what kind of war are we fighting here? There hasn’t been a major war on Equus for hundreds of years.”

Pinkamena nodded. “That’s right. We’re long overdue and this one’s going to be the biggest one. Period.”

I mimicked her. “Shit’s looking bad. Can we speak freely?” I asked Pinkamena.

She pulled out a pocket watch and pressed the button on it. “We have seven and counting. Get it explained fast and be vague when we’re through.”

“Right. So we’re up a thing called a Draconequus named Discord. He’s a god, which is basically a being that’s far more powerful than anything else on this planet, and his power straight up dwarfs Celestia and Luna’s. Not even all of the Equestria Royalty together stands a chance against him as we are now, and he’s the one orchestrating this war. Discord can do what he wants, when he wants, how he wants, and no one knows why the world war hasn’t started yet, but we do know that he’ll start when he thinks it’s ready-”

Pinkamena cut in. “I found out why he’s waiting. Discord isn’t going to start until Equestria can actually do a damned thing against him, but we’re on a time crunch like no other. He’s not opposed to bowling us over like pins, but for the most part, he’ll hold his peace until Celestia mounts a real force against him.”

“Terrifying.” I said grimly. “In any case, the Great Bastard only has one weakness: Me. I have Alicorn Magic as you know, but I can’t use it yet, and until I can, we’re either going to win this war after so much fucking bloodshed or we’re all going to be prisoners and the Reign of Discord is going to start all over again on the bodies of hundreds of thousands until the Elements of Harmony make him stay put. Currently, he has all of them except Pinkie under a spell that won’t let anyone tell them he’s evil, which is why Twilight doesn’t know any of this and is why you can’t even bring it up to her without her spacing out and forgetting about five minutes worth of conversation. Basically, we need to be ready for this war, and I’m putting Adstus together to get ready for it. Pinkie’s our main source of intel, so if you have questions, ask her in private if I can’t answer them. Do you have any questions for me now?”

Pinkamena checked the watch. “Three minutes, forty-four seconds left.”

Crimson rubbed his temples. “Alright. Discord. World War. You’re our only hope. What kind of magic do you have that lets you take on something stronger than Celestia?”

“True Theft. I don’t know how I’m supposed to use it against him and I don’t quite know how to use it yet, but we know that it can take him down.” I said quickly.

“Do you really think a small squad is going to do anything against this Discord? If he’s as powerful as your say, aren’t we fighting a losing battle?”

Pinkamena and I nodded. “Yup.” We replied.

“So we’re all royally bucked, but it’s up to Adstus to save the world?”

“Basically.” I said.

“Tough sell here, Max. Nopony is going to want to fight after hearing this.”

Pinkamena shrugged. “Then we keep it on a need to know. You might be the only pony who needs to know the scale of the war on the team. You’re an Operative in this just like I am: we keep secrets, Crimson, and this is the biggest one in Equestria right now.”

He shook his head. “Holy buck… So what’s the game plan? How do you plan on using your power to take him down, or rather, how do you plan on learning how to use it?”

“The plan is to go into the Everfree and go insane for a little bit in order to learn how to get good at True Theft. Pinkamena, time?” I asked.

“One and counting. Hurry it up if you have questions.” She urged.

“Right. Uh… Hay, how many ponies know about this?” Crimson asked.

“The people in this room, Celestia, Luna, Cadance.” I answered.

“I don’t think I have any questions about The War left.”

Pinkamena flipped the pocket watch closed and her hair poofed back up. “Okie dokie loki!”

Crimson stared at her, so I coughed to get his attention. “Questions about Adstus?”

He shook his head to clear it. “Right. Who all is in it?”

I started rattling off names. “Myself, Nashoba, You, Pinkie, Starshine, an Operative named Crystal Shade if she’s interested-”

“I know Shade. She’ll be interested.” Crimson said, nodding. There's something you're not saying, but okay.

I continued. “A guy named Swift Strike is also going to be a possible and I’m going to look at the crew I worked with in Canterlot to see if we can whip someone into shape well enough to turn them into a lethal killer.”

“And?” He asked. “Don't tell me that you didn’t prepare for this further than what you’ve said so far.”

“I’m getting the team put together based off of skill and mental fortitude, Crimson. Princess Luna is already helping me get training equipment and will likely provide us with the weaponry we need. We’re just looking for one more person to fill out the battle team, the Praelia, so we can do more than just Operative type missions. I’ve put some real though into this, mate, but the only thing I haven’t been on top of is getting the living situation sorted out, but even then, I have enough space in my house to get all five people who are going to be living here settled in.”

Pinkie started counting on her fingers. “I’m not one of those ponies, right?”

“You are not. You live in town anyways, so you’re not terribly far off.” I replied.

“Just wondering!” Pinkie smiled for no real reason.

I tilted my head towards her and looked to Crimson. “So we should get Starshine, Shade, and Swift when I come back from the Everfree once I’m done with my training-”

“Wait, why are you going into the Everfree again?” Crimson interjected.

“So I can slowly go insane and come back from the brink of said insanity. Why else would I go?” I asked.

He stared at me and Pinkie stared at him for reasons, I guess. “Max, you heard about the plant that was digesting me for a year and a half, right?” Crimson asked.

“Yes, you told me about that. Unlike you, the Everfree respects my ability to place its inhabitants on their arses, and where I’m going, I’m unlikely to be bothered by anything anyway. I have the Guardian of the Forest, the Matron, looking out for me, so I have little to fear. I’m sorry you nearly got eaten, but you’re not me, mate.”

Crimson spread his hands. “First you want to put together a team of trained killers and now you want to train them in the Everfree? Are you already insane?”

“To your first question: No, I’m not training Adstus in the Everfree, nor do I currently have plans to. To your second question: If I was, I wouldn’t be going into that murder forest in the first place.” I checked my nails.

Pinkie nudged my ribs. “You know you aren’t that far off from being crazy!” She gave me a sly smile.

“Being close and being there are two different things. If you’d just tell me how to fuck around with timey-wimey and transdimensional theory, I probably wouldn’t have to go anyway.” I sniffed.

“Aww, Maxxy, you know I can’t do that! I’d get smited and that’s just not in my agenda for the next hundred years!” She hugged me. “Sorry!”

I patted her head. “Yeah, I get it. Everything that defies the laws of nature can’t really explain how they defy the laws of nature.”

Crimson raised his hand. “Alright, you guys are both crazy. Bucking insane, actually, and I really hope you don’t intend on taking me into the Everfree with you.”

I shook my head and Pinkie let me go. “Not a chance, Crimson. I wouldn’t ask you to go in there now, and I couldn’t really ask you to go in there with me since it’s something I have to do alone. I have something I want you to do while I’m out of town, however, how long you want to spend on it is up to you.”

“What’s the job?” He asked warily.

“Ponyville has picked up some less than reputable people while I was gone and I haven’t had a chance to see if they’re trying to start something big, or if they’re just small-time, small-town swindlers and the like. There’s a gang of Donkeys that like to start shit in the daylight, but from what I’ve seen of them so far, they’re a bunch of cowards, so I want you to see if someone’s pulling the strings with them.” I requested.

“So I’m just cleaning up around town?” Crimson asked, pulling a face.

“You’re keeping the base of a Prince and a Princess of Equestria safe and sound. I don’t want my sanctuary, my home, to start heading down some dark route because I didn’t clip the rotten branches off quickly enough. Equestria might be a safe enough place in general, but where there’s power, there’s corruption, and I’m apparently the first Prince Equestria’s ever had with any real amount of power. There will be a time when something stupid or ignoble comes here since Twilight and I live here, but we can stave off the worst of the problems by nipping them in the bud.”

Crimson sighed. “I guess you won’t be sending me off to do anything terribly exciting for awhile.”

I shook my head. “Sorry, mate, but I just don’t need you to be the international badass you are right now.”

His ear flicked at the compliment and he thumbed his nose. “I guess it wouldn’t hurt to do some normal stuff every once in awhile. When do you want me to get started?”

“When you find yourself without something to do. If you can find anyone selling poppy derivatives or opiates in general, I want you to take them out-” I started.

“Ooh! Ooh! What about salt!?” Pinkie asked. “Manganese Salt is coming around in the bad part of town!”

Crimson and I looked to her, then back at each other. “Yeah, if you wanna deal with any salt problems, feel free.”

He nodded, smirking. “Will do. Where there’s salt, there’s usually a ring leader. This might actually turn out to be an interesting gig.”

I snorted. “Adrenaline junkie.”

Pinkie waved a hand, so I pointed at her. “Do you need me for anything else, or can I go back to super secret spy stuff?”

“Secret spy stuff you may do.” I replied.

She went to throw a smoke bomb, but I caught her arm. “Do you know how much of a bitch it’d be to clean that up? And then airing this room out would take forever!”

Pinkie huffed and rolled her eyes at me. She just walked out of the door, shutting it behind her instead of doing stupid shit in a poorly ventilated place, though I suppose it is Pinkie we’re talking about. It would’ve been something to be expected of her. With her gone and little else that needed to be discussed, Crimson and I started going the housing arrangements, how much food we were going to have to stock, our timeframe for training, and general running-the-house type bullshit. It took a few hours for us to cover just about all of the bases we could think of, though the main thing now was that Crimson still had a Seal from Cadance marking him as one of hers and a Seal from Luna that did the same. I asked if he wanted a knife or some sort of relatively easy to conceal weapon and he agreed to that since he preferred practical things anyway, so I wrote Twilight a note saying that I would be going to Canterlot with Crimson to get him a thing made and she wrote back that she wanted to see me before I went hunting with Nashoba later. I agreed and sent that note off before Shadow Diving Crimson and myself to Canterlot.

I had no idea where we could get a decent knife made, so I asked Crimson if he just wanted to stop by the armory or have something custom done and he said that he would pay for his own blade since he’d wanted one ever since he’d started as an Operative. He even knew of the shop he wanted to get it from, so I followed him to the artisan quarters and I noticed that we were coming near a familiar looking place that was right across the street from Fancy’s preferred smoke shop. It had a variety of tools on the sign, which made me realize that this was the shop of the woman who’d made my pocket watch and pipe. I never did catch her name, though I suppose I’d be rectifying that now.

We walked inside, and just like last time there was no one at the counter. Crimson came up to it and knocked on the dark wood four times in a peculiar pattern and I could hear something heavy fall from the back of the shop and hooves quickly started in our direction. I wondered why the cream-colored woman had scorch marks all over her clothes when she came from the back of the shop, but I figured she was a smith or something and she probably made more than just luxury goods. When she looked at me I waved my greeting, but she let her eyes settle on Crimson.

“Just what the buck are you doing here?” She snapped.

“I’m here for my bucking knife, you jackass.” Crimson shot back.

She smirked. “I really thought you forgot about it. Been close to three years since you commissioned the damned thing.”

Crimson rolled his eyes. “I’m sure there’s stuff you’ve been holding onto for longer. How’ve you been, Cream?”

Cream glared at him. “It’s Coffee to you, ass.”

“Go buck yourself and grab my stuff, will you? I might have all day, but I don’t want to spend it with your grouchy self.”

‘Coffee’ snorted and looked at me. “You’re familiar. Have I met you before?”

I pulled out my pocket watch. “Yeah. I came in a few years ago and asked if you made this and a pipe. You told me that you’re the only person you know of that uses a Timber Wolf motif.”

“Huh. I don’t make much of that shit anymore.” Coffee said flatly.

“That’s what you said the last time, and yet here we are. I’m assuming you have Crimson’s blade?” I asked.

She frowned “Buck you.”

Crimson coughed. “I’d be careful about what you say to one of Equestria’s Princes.”

Coffee Cream looked at him and back to me. “Seriously?”

I flashed her the Signet Ring. “Seriously. Don’t worry about it too hard right now.”

“Trust me, I won’t. Don’t touch anything while I’m gone.”

She walked off into the back of the shop and I raised a brow at Crimson. He just shrugged, giving off a vibe of ‘Whatcha gonna do?’. I didn’t answer that, so we just stood in silence for a minute until Coffee Cream came back with a medium sized knife wrapped in a dark cloth. She unwrapped the package and showed off Crimson’s blade rather proudly, smirking at the obvious approval on our face. The blade itself was a nice ladder-patterned Damascus and was made into the shape of a tanto. It wasn’t terribly long, nor was it terribly short, though I’d say it was somewhere between Nacht and the Warbling blade, so maybe about twenty centimeters. All in all, it was a pretty piece that I didn’t doubt was good for more than just show.

“Good work, as I would expect.” Crimson said after holding his knife and inspecting it.

“Looks good and doesn’t seem too heavy. A good stabby stick if you ask me.” I put my hand on my own trusty blade.

“Good?” Coffee snapped. “I don’t make ‘good’.”

I stared her down. “You’re getting good or great. If you want praise, you’re going to have to be less of a fucking twat.”

She mumbled something under her breath that would’ve gotten her arrested if I was Prick Blueballs, but I’m not, so I just said, “I’ll probably come back and have you make shit for the rest of my team. So far, you’re the best craftswoman I’ve come across, so take that and run with it.”

“Tch. I only do commissions for Operatives and the occasional guard. You’re gonna have to pay through your stupid little nose if you want something from me.” Coffee said irritably.

“Look bitch,” I whipped out the Warbling Blade. “I am an Operative, or at least I was before I became a Prince. Keep it up and I’ll stab you in the tit.”

She snorted. “That’s not very Prince-like.”

“I’m not very patient with hostile people.” I replied coldly.

Coffee smirked at me. “I guess you could be worse. Yeah, I’ll make stuff for you, but it s going to cost you. That knife,” She tilted her head toward Crimson who was testing it’s sharpness, “ran him about a hundred and fifty bits. I don’t know how much you want me to make, but I’ll consider giving you a discount if it’s more than just a couple things.”

I nodded. “I’ll need at least four more knives to outfit my team. I myself don’t need another one, but I’d like my team to have the best shit they can get.”

“I don’t make ‘shit’.” Her lip curled.

I rolled my eyes. “Everything is shit. You make some of the best shit. Deal with it.”

“Crimson, are you sure this guy’s a Prince?” She asked.

He shrugged. “He’s got the ring, doesn’t he?”

Coffee sighed. “I guess he does.” She looked at me. “Let me know what you want and when you want it. The amount of time you give me and the materials are going to alter the price, however.”

“It’ll be about a month before I come back and start getting that stuff figured out, but we can go over the materials now to get it out of the way if you want.” I offered.

She shook her head. “We can do it in a month. You know where I work.”

I nodded and looked to Crimson. “Do you have a sheath for that thing?”

He looked at Coffee who went back into the work area of her shop and came out with a pretty black number that had some rather plain silver embellishments on it. They fit the look of the blade pretty well, though it would’ve been a great show of skill if she could’ve done them in Damascus too. Before Crimson sheathed his blade, I asked him if he wanted to bear my seal on it and he asked what mine looked like, so I unbuttoned the top few on my shirt and showed him the seal on my breast. Coffee let her eyes linger a little longer than I thought they needed to, but then again, I make all the ladies randy, baby. Crimson handed over his tanto and I put the same Seal on it that I’d placed on Pinkie’s, and without any need to delay further, I asked Coffee if Crimson and I could borrow a closet for a moment and she begrudgingly said yes, though she asked why. I told her that we were leaving and she looked like I was out of my fucking mind, but she still let us use the one in the front of the shop. Crimson asked why we needed a closet to teleport and I let him out to show him my room, surprising the fuck out of him. To explain since I don’t think I have before, if it’s dark in an area in general, then Shadow Diving doesn’t work like it usually does since you just transpose yourself without needing any momentum. It’s basically teleportation, but it still needs to be dark to do it, of course.

Once we got downstairs and ate lunch, I asked Crimson if he wanted a tour around town. He clearly didn’t want one, so I told him to explore on his own and that I’d leave the door unlocked for him so he could get in without having to climb to the second story or break a window. The bastard threatened to break one anyway and I threatened to break his spine if he started fucking with my house. My point was clear and needed no repeating, so Crimson and I headed into town together and split up at Twilight’s house, though when I knocked on her door, I didn’t hear anyone coming to answer it. I thought that was a little odd since Twilight or Spike were usually in the library doing something, so I let myself in and walked around, listening for a heartbeat or anything of the sort. I couldn’t hear anyone other than Owlowiscious, so I asked him if he knew where Twilight and Spike went. He just shuffled his plumage and said that no one told him anything.

Twilight not being where she said she’d be would’ve annoyed me a little if I didn’t have a magic necklace that told me how to get to her at all times. It’s not like I would’ve stayed annoyed for very long, but still. I took the little charm in my hand and followed the purple trail out of the library and through the town towards Ponyville Park, taking my time since I really wasn’t in a rush to go anywhere. As I was walking, I noticed that there weren’t really all that people on the street and that worried me a little bit until I started hearing some acapella group singing. I assumed that this was the reason everyone was off of the streets, and I was proven correct when I saw the crowd formed around one of the gazebos. There was a good number of people tuning in for the show, but the thing that surprised me the most was that Macintosh and Rarity were two of the four people on stage. I’d thought Rarity’s singing voice sounded familiar, but Macintosh’s (I assumed he was the bass) didn’t sound quite like him. That made me a bit interested, so I came a little closer and found myself at the back of the crowd. Thankfully, I’m taller than most Ponies so I was able to see that Macintosh wasn’t singing. Rather, he was, but I doubted that the voice that we were hearing was his since his lips didn’t sync up quite right with the lyrics. He often closed his mouth just before a note should have ended or right before one began, and it didn’t help that he looked uncomfortable as fuck.

With my curiosity piqued, I meandered around the crowd as the quartet began another song and let myself into the backstage area. There was only one person back there while the group was on stage, and that’s all I needed to figure out that she was the one providing the actual bass in the songs. Fucking Fluttershy of all people was singing with a voice a little deeper than Macintosh’s own and that tickled me to no end, so I sat back and enjoyed the overly cheery music for a little while until the group finished their set. The girls and Twilight passed me on their way backstage, but no one noticed me since I wasn’t really doing anything other that staying quiet and chilling in one of the corners of the octagonal structure. When the quartet came backstage, everyone complimented Fluttershy on singing with the group so well, despite not having much practice. I would’ve done it too, but I didn’t want to stress her out or anything, so I slipped away and waited for Twilight for a few minutes.

She and Fluttershy were the last ones to get out besides the actual quartet, so I joined them silently, walking a few feet behind them as they talked. They weren’t being terribly secretive about Fluttershy being Macintosh’s ghost voice or whatever, so I faked a loud sneeze that was followed by a real one that I hadn't felt coming on and they froze in place, staring at me.

I waved. “Hullo Poppet, Cherry.”

They waved back.

“Lovely evening for a stroll, isn’t it? Or a good show. Whichever.”

Twilight chuckled nervously, her eyes flickering towards Fluttershy. “Right. So, uh… How long have you been behind us?”

I grinned. “Oh, I was backstage on the gazebo with you for awhile.”

Fluttershy paled. “M-Max, I-I-”

I waved her worries aside. “Don’t worry about it, Flutters. I’m not going to rat you out or anything, but your voice is pleasant enough to sing on your own. I recommend adding your natural voice to the group, but if you want to provide a voice for Macintosh to lip sync over, that’s your choice.”

She breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you Max. It’s just that I don’t like crowds…”

I shrugged. “I get it. You don’t have to explain anything to me, Poppet. But you can buy my silence with a small favour.”

Fluttershy and Twilight traded a look. “What kind of favour?” They chorused.

“A platonic one that involves me borrowing my fiance for some cuddling.”

Fluttershy looked a little disappointed. “Oh… I suppose I wouldn’t mind.”

“I’m not saying you have to surrender her to me now, Flutters. I just want her sometime before nightfall.” I clarified.

She brightened up a bit and smiled. “Thank you. I never do get to spend much time with Twilight.”

My fiance blushed. “All you ever have to do is ask, Fluttershy. I don’t have to spend every waking moment with Max.”

I sighed. “Sadly that’s true. No matter how great and amazing I am, Twilight never wants to be around me that long.”

She threw me a womanly look. “The more amazing you say you are, the less I think you really happen to be.”

I shrugged. “What am I gonna do about your thoughts? Prove you wrong with kisses?”

Twilight pretended to think about that. “I’d welcome you to try if you really thing you could.”

Fluttershy giggled. “I think he could.”

“And that theory is something we’ll test another time.” I grinned. “I’ll see you two later, yeah?”

They nodded and bid me farewell for the time being, so I went back home and grabbed the first draft for A Star-Crossed Love and a pen before heading back into town. I could’ve just dived there and back, but I didn’t want to get lazy like some Princesses I know, thus I hoofed it, so to speak, back to the Treebrary. I let myself in again because who was going to fucking stop me, looking around for a good place to sit and write for a little bit. I decided that the couch would be perfectly fine since that was probably where Twilight and I were going to end up anyway and got to work. I actually skimmed through the book for a few minutes to see if I’d left any plot holes that needed to be tied up, and when I saw that I was good for the most part, I wrote like Twilight was going to beat me with a stick for not finishing it sooner.

Speaking of finishing it, I actually managed to do that before Twilight got back. I actually took the time to read it properly this time around and found that I’m fucking good at what I do. The romance scenes were nice and sappy, the occasional action scenes were brief and well reasoned for the characters, and the sex was hot and well written. Hell, it’d been so long since I really gave my books a read that I ended up borrowing the copies I’d given to Twilight and read them for myself. I had to start with A Single Moment all over again and I was alright with the first few chapters. I mean, I didn’t feel like it was my best work, but it was decent enough for me to not hate or want to rewrite it, so I continued onward, and when Twilight came back with Spike, she was surprised to find that I was reading my own work.

When Twilight had a seat next to me, I passed her the blank book I’d brought with me along with the first draft of A Star-Crossed Love. If you saw the ways her eyes lit up when I told her it was finally done, I believe anyone’s heart would’ve melted. To see someone so excited to read your work was always nice, but coming from Twilight, it was even better. I know harlequin romance isn’t really her thing, but still, I think my writing style really grew on her over the years. That, and I hadn't touched the series in so long that she may have lost hope that I’d ever finish it. With a red pen in hand, Twilight started reading my newest works and I kept on with my first published book. My editor slash fiance occasionally asked what point I was trying to get across when she came upon an unfamiliar phrase, but other than that, she said that A Star-Crossed Love was turning out to be the best yet. I told her to wait until the end to say anything about the story but she ignored me, and over the course of the four hours it took her to read it, she basically said the same thing until my main character was exiled from the fictional country they lived in and the main love interest was arrested for a crime he didn't commit. Twilight closed the book when she read the last page and hit me with it a few times, each swing smarting pretty well.

After a torrent of questions about how I could end such a romantic series on such a terrible note, I told her that it was how it was supposed to end all along, and that I’d reminded her multiple times over the years that it was a tragic romance, not just a normal feel-good kind of book. Twilight looked like she was about to cry when I told her that I wasn’t just messing with her, which made me ask what the fuck she’d been expecting with a title like A Star-Crossed Love. Seriously, Twilight knew what ‘star-crossed’ meant, and one would think that I’m a slippery enough bastard to make a story that ends in a way that leaves a few questions unanswered. She was still upset with me until I told her that I hadn't written the epilogue yet, which got me beaten with the book again for letting her think that it was over and done in such a terrible way.

I didn’t tell her that the epilogue was tragic too, but I took the book from her before she could copy it and picked the story up about twenty years after the ending. From there, I carried on and had the main love interest be freed from his imprisonment and sail the seas to find his long lost love, only to find out that she’d been just about everywhere. He searched and searched for her, using his copy of the compass that allowed them to find each other no matter what, but when he found the current owner of the compass, it was a young stallion who looked an awful lot like him. They sat down and talked for a while, trading stories from their lives until the younger stallion let it slip that his mother had passed away a few months ago and that she’d been waiting for his father to find them ever since she’d had to leave her home country. The main love interest accepts the sobering news as best he can, but he’s still heartbroken over the loss of his one true love, though his son comforts him and tells him that his mother had stayed true to him for twenty years, though that only makes the wound ache a little harder. From there, the father and son duo go to visit the main characters grave and more tears are shed, but in the end, they find solace in knowing that they still have each other to lean on, even if they’re complete strangers.

I personally thought it was a nicer way to end the story, but Twilight ended up crying by the time she was done reading over my shoulder, asking how I could be so cruel as to get her hopes up like that. I reiterated that it was a tragedy, and once Twilight calmed down, I told her that nothing of the sort would ever happen to us since the characters weren’t really all that similar to either of us, nor were they immortal. I still got hit for making Twilight edit something so sad, but I maintained that I’d given her due warning and asked if the sweet and spicy bits of the series made the pungent bitterness stand out more than usual. She didn't reply to that for awhile and ended up saving her place in the book about halfway through, telling me that she was going to bed. I actually felt pretty terrible at that point, but that was how I wanted to end the series. Still, I gave her a hug, a kiss, and an apology for bumming her out before heading off towards Fluttershy’s to go pick up Nashoba for a night in the Everfree.

Nashoba was waiting at the Gathering Tree for me when I got there, and so was Fluttershy’s actual pet, Angel the Bunny. For some odd reason, Angel was a Zgon that couldn’t speak to Two-Legs other than Fluttershy, which made no sense. He could still communicate pretty well by pointing with his paws or nudging things he wanted with his nose. It was an odd method, but it usually got his point across, one way or another. Maybe he just didn’t like talking to Two-Legs? Maybe he’s just a little shit? Speaking of, that reminds me of the time I stopped by Fluttershy’s and saw Angel hopping on, biting, and scratching Krel until the larger creature got sick of his nonsense. I learned that bears occasionally do wipe their arses.

Anecdotes of humorous shit aside, Nashoba told Angel to fuck off in those exact words and trotted over to greet me. “Hello, Max. Are you ready to make things more dead and less alive?”

I gave her a grin. “Always. What are we hunting tonight?”

“Since it’s troublesome for you to ‘clean’ and cook larger prey, I figured we could find a cockatrice. I’m sure you can find a way to make one of those tastier.”

“I know just the place to go looking for them, too. Can we take a side trip to the Old Castle?” I asked.

“We can, but I refuse to step on the grounds. That places is haunted from snout to tail by just about every spirit there is, and there has been tell of something new and powerful rising from the Everfree to claim it as its own.” Nashoba warned.

“Shite. It’s technically on my turf as a Two-Leg, so I’ve gotta take care of it one way or another.” I sighed. “I guess I can do that after we bag our kill.”

Nashoba snorted. “It would be unwise to face an opponent you know nothing about.”

“It wouldn’t be the stupidest thing I’ve done by a long shot. I know you remember the time you got stuck in Elfriede’s kennels.”

She shook herself like she was trying to get water out of her fur. “I remember all too well. Those pesky mutts wanted to mount me! The lowly pets of some pumped up cat wanted to mount their goddess!”

I tried not to, but I ended up laughing anyway. “Fucking seriously!? Why didn’t you ever tell me about that?”

“Tch. I don’t like thinking about it. I had to tear one of them to pieces because of his sheer persistence in irritating me.”

“In your defense, I probably would have done something similar. Is there anything else terribly funny that you’d like to tell me about?” I smiled at her.

I didn’t know that wolves could give looks, but Nashoba pulled one off pretty well. “Shut up, Max. I’ll show you how to get to the Old Castle from here before we head deeper into the Everfree.”

“Wait, it’s not that far from here, is it?” I asked.

“No, only about four hours at your usual pace. Why do you ask?”

I groaned. “You remember I got stuck there for a month, right?”

She sat and licked her chops. “That is why I was so surprised it took you so long to come back. I figured you just kept going deeper into the forest and came out on the other side or something.”

“No, I made the Old Castle my base and spent about half of my daylight walking in different directions so I’d get back to town. I might have to have you lead me back there when I go for my training, but there isn’t a chance that I’ll get lost on the trip back home. this time. Hell, even if I do, I can Shadow Dive back home... “ I trailed off and Nashoba kept giving me that same look. “I could just Shadow Dive there. Huh.”

She shook her head. “How you managed to become a Prince is beyond me sometimes.”

“Shut up, you mangy mutt. Let’s get to murderizing, yeah?”

“Let’s.”

And so we started toward the Everfree. Luckily, the ground was a little damp as it always was, despite a general lack of rain in the past week or two. Then again, I’d been in Canterlot before I came back which was only a few days ago and I know for a fact that the weather changes depending on what the town’s needs are, so I guess it might’ve rained some time ago. Look at my retarded arse, talking about fucking weather.

I need to stop getting sidetracked so easily.

Anyway, Nashoba and I travelled through the dark, mostly unlit forest. Equestria’s moon cycle didn’t make much sense to me, but it didn’t matter much since the stars in the sky usually gave off enough light so that things weren’t pitch black unless you were inside. Still, I had to use my Night Vision while Nashoba and I stalked through the forest, and for once, I was the first to catch the familiar scent of chicken and reptiles on the air. I tapped Nashoba twice and she was instantly alert, trying to smell what I could, though I was pretty sure she had a better trace on the scent than I could ever have. With our target marked, we picked up the pace a little bit while trying to remain quiet. Nashoba managed a little better than I did, but honestly I think neither of us made much more that the odd rustle or two since both of our collective senses were just that well attuned.

While we were tracking down our prey, I sensed something following us, so I told Nashoba to hold up since I was sure that the scent wasn’t exactly going to fade. We still continued following, but we were going slower now, though the presence was still following at the same speed. It either hadn't noticed us slow down or it was trying to catch up in the first place, but either way, once it got within five meters of us, it snapped a branch underfoot, making Nashoba and whirl around ready to lunge, but when I saw who I was looking at, I was tempted to put my knife away.

The woman reminded me a bit of Brilliance in the way that she had elfish features, but instead of the sharp, angular jawline and the almond shaped eyes, the Dryad looked considerably more Human. Her ears weren’t as pointy as a normal Dryad’s and her dress didn’t seem to be made of normal leaves. Instead, it was made of five-pointed flowers that my Night Vision wouldn’t allow me to discern the color of. However, I didn’t really need to see the hues to know that the flowers looked an awful lot like Nightshade and that this was most likely a Dark Dryad, which explained why I‘d felt her from so far away. She wasn’t necessarily evil, but she was chock full of the Everfree’s magic in ways that I wasn’t sure of. Hell, I don’t know how I knew what I was feeling when she was behind us, but I had the sneaking suspicion that she was going to ruin tonight’s hunt, so I held a finger to my lips and gestured for her to come closer.

Nashoba sat down and watched closely as the woman came over, but then again, I’d barely taken my eyes off of her since she showed up. When she was about a meter away, she stopped and waved shyly.

With no reason to be rude, I waved back and spoke softly. “Hullo. Why are you following us?”

“I-I didn’t think you would notice.” She replied in the same hushed tone.

Nashoba snorted. “You nearly got killed by my companion for doing so. Next time, approach us from the front.”

The Dark Dryad nodded. “I-I will keep that in mind. Please do not kill me.”

“I wasn’t planning on it. Is there a reason you were following us, or was it just to have some company?” I asked.

The woman shuffled her feet and looked down. “I wished for company…”

“Will I die if I touch you?”

“N-No. You will if you eat one of my flowers, but you will not be harmed for touching me.”

I extended a hand. “I’m Max, in that case. This is Nashoba.”

“I know who you are.” She replied.

“Huh. Guess we must be famous.” I jested.

“We are.” Nashoba said casually. “All of the Zgon in the Everfree know of you for your brutality and most have come across your scent markers in one way or another.”

“Oh yeah… I forgot that I peed on trees when I lived at the Old Castle. Good times.” I sighed.

The Dark Dryad stood awkwardly and I dropped my hand. “...So… Would you like to follow us while we hunt or something?”

“If it’s no trouble.” She murmured.

I looked at Nashoba and she nodded. “Alright. Keep quiet for now and follow our lead.”

The woman looked pleased by that, so Nashoba and I picked up where we left off, but with the scent of Nightshade mixing in with the poultry and reptilian combination, it was much harder for me to get the scent and follow the trail. Nashoba had far fewer problems with it so I allowed her to lead and followed close behind. After about thirty minutes of tracking, we came up behind our mark, but we were quickly disappointed. A group of Goblin-esque creatures had already attacked the Cockatrice and were getting the better of it with each passing minute. They were making a terrible mess of something that would have been a quick kill if something competent had gone after it. However, even a filthy fucking Kobold would’ve managed better than these rubbish hunters. Bloody Hell, were they ever sucking it up.

Nashoba, the Dryad, and I stood and watched as the Cockatrice battled for its life against ten of the Goblin, and as it was fight, it ended over half of their number before it really showed any sign of slowing down, even with the crude spears sticking out of its body. I was preparing to end the fight for everyone involved when the Cockatrice let loose a blood-curdling screech that rendered the remain four Goblins immobile for a few seconds, but those few seconds were all it needed to start pecking holes in skulls and crush ribcages. It was a brutal affair that I’d expected from the Everfree, but even then, I’d thought that the Goblins were going to come out on top due to their numbers. When it was all said and done, the Cockatrice let loose a mighty cry of victory. That is, until a massive black Sheep came up from behind and bit it’s head off.

I looked at Nashoba and her tongue was hanging out of her mouth already. If Nashoba wasn’t a fucking Padfoot already, then the Sheep was it. Otherwise, we just have two really big black creatures that fit the bill. Either way, something was about to die and I was hoping for a nice rack of ribs tonight. Nashoba and I traded a look and she wasted no time in rushing in, but before she could lunge at the creature, it stopped her with a look. The larger creature stared Nashoba down and continued to eat the Cockatrice, so I came forth to stand next to my companion and watch the Sheep for myself. There really wasn’t anything remarkable about it aside from the eyes that seemed to glow from within their sockets, but I wasn’t too sure if this thing was going to try and fight us or it was just waiting for us to leave. I felt like we could still take it down, but Nashoba’s ears were twitching away as if she was waiting for it to give her some sort of verdict.

The Sheep eventually stopped eating away at its kill and addressed me. “You will not die.”

It’s deep, gravelly voice disturbed me a bit. “Thanks. I’m still not looking forward to when that day comes.”

It nodded and turned to Nashoba. “Wolfmother.”

“Yes, Padfoot?” She replied softly.

“I will not eat you. There is more prey in the forest. Continue your hunt away from here.”

Nashoba dipped her head and turned tail, whacking me with i so I would follow, though that shit still kinda hurt. Once we were out of earshot, I asked, “Did you really just get punked by a Sheep?”

“That ‘Sheep’ was Padfoot. I mistook her for one of the creatures that only looks like her.” Nashoba replied.

“So she’s an omen of death, yeah?”

“She’s the omen of death. As in we should have ran before we made eye contact.”

The Dryad spoke up. “In fairness, I’m an omen of death too.”

I sighed. “Great. I spend an hour in the Everfree and see two omens right off the bat. We’ve got a good start, pupper.”

Nashoba huffed. “I could’ve taken Padfoot alone, but to upset the balance is against my duties as Wolfmother.”

“You sure talk a big game now.” I replied drily.

“Shut up, Max.”

“Love you, my big ball of floof.” I said cheesily.

“Don’t make me eat you.” She grumbled.

I chuckled and we continued onward through the forest. After about fifteen minutes of trekking, Nashoba scented something and lead the way towards it with myself and the Dark Dryad in tow. The Dryad moved quietly enough for pretty much all intents and purposes, but Nashoba and I still asked her to wait behind a few feet as we came upon a familiar Goat-like thing that was grazing on some flowers I recognized from reading one of Twilight’s herbiaries when I got bored. I think the thing was eating Poison Joke, a plant that has ridiculous consequences when you eat or touch it, though I don’t know what it would do to me. I wasn’t feeling stupid enough to find out, so I sauntered up to the Goats left side, and once I was sure that I was in the effective range of my Psychokinesis, I gave Nashoba the go ahead. She looked at me like I was fucking crazy and tilted her head towards the Goat, telling me to take it instead. I shrugged and got a little close, just in case and wrapped my tentacle around its neck in a loose noose. When I’d prepared myself properly, I cinched it closed and lifted the Goat off of the ground at the same time, breaking its neck with a tooth jarring snap that assured me that I’d pulled off the maneuver correctly.

I dragged the Goat towards us after checking to see if there were any predators nearby and found that we were alone in this particular part of the forest. Nashoba said that the Goat would be fine to eat as long as we didn’t touch it’s stomach, but it wasn’t it’s stomach that I was aiming for anyway. The odd Goat thing had some magnificent horns that I wanted for knife making purposes. It was going to take a while to get them down to the correct shape, but it would be well worth it to me since I just liked horn handles. I’d had a few antler handled knives back in England, but I’d never been able to use them since they were little more than showpieces, however, I still liked them a lot. It had been a little heart-wrenching to have to sell them for some food, but survival is a lot more important than having nice things.

Nashoba offered to carry the Goat-thing back to my place and I told her that we could just take our time since I could carry it with Psychokinesis. Through some of my training with Luna, I’d gotten better with my Telekinesis too, but not as good as I had with the former. I could actually keep up a brisk pace with my Psychokinesis now, so Nashoba let me carry our kill for the first half of the journey and took it from me for the latter half. Since we didn’t have to be quiet anymore, I asked the Dark Dryad a few questions and learned a few interesting things.

Bella, as she was named by the Matron, has a fucking name for starters. Dark Dryads get names for asinine reasons, like being able to tell on each other if they start doing misdeeds, or to be picked out of the others when something gets poisoned or hurt by one of them. Now, Dark Dryads aren’t evil by nature, nor are they even necessarily grey, but they just get a bad reputation because of ridiculous bullshit that some of them have pulled in the past. Apparently, they’ve always been shunned, from conception to now, and some Dryads even hate them for no real reason. Racism is the main reason that Bella was so lonely and why she’d been so eager to get close to us, and I hated that someone as seemingly kind and genuine as her had to go through such discrimination for no other reason than being created as something different. Still, by the time Nashoba and I had gotten our kill back to my property, I’d managed to put a smile on Bella’s face, and that’s what mattered the most to me. I asked her to come to me if she had any trouble, but she declined my offer and stated that she was happy enough to just be left alone, which she was most days. Still, when she took her leave, I wished her well and hoped to see her again sometime.

When Bella was gone, Nashoba and I started the familiar process of cleaning, gutting, and dividing up the meat, I got two haunches and half of the ribs and she got the same, though I also welcomed her to the belly meat and my half of the neck meat. I still had plenty of venison left over from our last hunt in my deep freezer, and I needed to go check on the cured meats I’d set up in my shack, so I told Nashoba I’d be right back after getting one of my haunches cleaned, sliced, and spitted. My shed held the glorious scent of some proper salty jerky, though there wasn’t much of it in England. It was a bit of a rarer find since we Brits tended not to make much more that salt pork in our own homes, but I knew a few traditionalists that cured their own meat, and when I just down one of my hanging sacks, I took it inside and had Nashiba follow me so she could get a taste of the good stuff. After brushing off the majority of the leftover salt into my sink, I sliced the top layer off of the meat and gave it a try. To no one’s surprise, shit was saltier than your mother’s nether regions. I scrapped the rest of the outer layer into a bowl and tried some of the stuff that had been left inside and... Oh my… I’ll be right back.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I had to go get some more since my mind was overtaken by the deliciousness. I’d gotten addicted to jerky when I went hunting that one time while I was in America and making my own was absolutely beautiful. Nashoba hated it with a passion, so all of my cured meats were mine for the taking, and take did I ever. I devoted a whole piece of my salted venison to a pot of beans and herbs, and while that was cooking, I went back outside to keep an eye on my other meat. It was drying a bit more slowly than the venison had, but then again, the Goats meat was a little fattier. Still, I couldn’t wait to try some, so I took my ribs and haunch inside so I could finish getting those prepped and Nashoba stayed outside for a moment to finish off her meal.

I ended up making Goat steak and rubbed the ribs down with a few different herbs that smelled like they would go together well. I figured a little paprika and cayenne would give them a nice kick and that some rosemary wouldn’t do it any disservice. I was tempted to wrap some of it in weed and see if I could get Spike high through some fuckery, but I didn't want to ruin it since weed’s flavour is just too strong if you throw it in willy-nilly. Still, my Goat steaks turned out fantastic with the addition of a little salt and pepper, though I rather wished I had some worcestershire sauce to go along with it. Stupid ponies and their lack of condiments.

I saved some steak for Spike and kept about a kilo for curing, though I didn’t know how the meat would taste afterwards. It was a little like beef when I made it into a steak, but I could tell the difference well enough that I wouldn’t mistake the two anytime soon. I thought that was odd since I’d rarely been able to tell the difference between the two back on Earth (unless you count the price), but I think the Goat-thing tasted better than beef. Nashoba disagreed, but she was just a hungry little pup anyway and wouldn’t have turned it down even if it tasted a bit like cat meat. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve hunted down a Manticore since I’ve been away from the Everfree. I might have to go looking for one when I go back.

It was about seven or so in the morning when I finished cooking all of the meat inside, so I wrote Spike a note asking him if he’d like to come over to share my spoils. I got a speedy reply, though Twilight sent back a note telling me to stop feeding her brother random creatures. I told her that we’d talk about it when she came over and she flat out refused to come if my house still smelled like meat. I sighed and started wrapping up some of the meat I’d cooked in wax paper so I could take it to Spike myself. I left a note for Crimson, but right before I Shadow Dived out, Crimson tapped me on the shoulder and asked why the house smelled like burning flesh. I pointed him toward the skillet on the stove that still had a sizeable steak on it and he just looked at me like I was a lunatic before I explained that I was an omnivore and that I preferred meat as my main source of protein. That actually interested him a bit, so I told him that he could try some if he wanted, though I warned against going overboard, just in case it made him sick or something. I stuck around for his first bite, and when his eyebrows shot up, I could tell that he approved.

He stopped after a few more bites and asked if we had any flowers or vegetables in the house, but sadly, the only things I had were either pickled or had been removed during my latest extended absence. Crimson offered to go get some more groceries since he had nothing better to do, so I wrote him a check for a hundred bits and told him to stock up as well as he could within reason. Nashoba doubted that he’d be able to carry a hundred bits worth of groceries back in one trip and Crimson agreed with her, so I asked him to come along with me to Twilight’s. I could tell that he didn’t really want to, but I gave him a look that warded off any complaints and told him that the morning routine came before we went anywhere since we had to be presentable.

About forty-five minutes and two hundred push-ups later, we were both ready to be seen in public, though Crimson still grumbled about being told to go wash up like he was a child. I ignored his dark mutterings like he was a child since he wanted to act like one, though when we came into town, he ceased his faggotry. Well, I guess I shouldn’t say that since he’s gay and that’s a derogatory term towards gay people, but I never really considered most gay people to be faggots. Sure, fellows who ride unnecessarily loud motorcycles or drive around in American Mustangs are faggots, but most gay people I’d run into just didn’t fit the bill at all, though I suppose the variation my definition of the word and it’s general use as a slur would’ve only mattered to sensitive people in the first place. Shit, I rather doubted that Noir was going to come at me for a thought crime anyway, and barring Noir, no one knows what goes on up in this noggin of mine for sure. God, this is a long tangent. Next paragraph.

Spike answered the door and when he saw that I had a package in hand, his face lit up like I’d come over with a good looking floozy that lacked certain morals. Unfortunately, Twilight was behind him, glaring daggers at me from over his shoulder, so I assumed we were about to have a row and sighed. She asked Crimson if he would mind stepping inside with Spike for a moment and once he was in, she stepped out and I got ready for a talking to.

“Maximus, stop killing things needlessly.” Twilight said angrily.

I raised a brow. “I don’t. I kill things so I can eat them and get the proper amount of protein. It’s a lot easily and more efficient than eating eggs for two out of my three daily meals, and it smells a lot better than when I try to substitute beans.”

“Look, I get that you’re an omnivore and that you’re going to eat meat,” She pinched her nose and closed her eyes. “But Spike has gone his entire life without meat and he was just fine. Why can’t you at least try and do the same thing?”

I looked at her like she was stupid. “Why do you think I went hunting for the few months I lived in Equestria? I mean, honestly, a vegetarian diet might be fine for you Twilight, but it can kill me through deficiencies of various minerals and vitamins that Humans traditionally get from meat. Do you remember how thin I used to be?”

Twilight rolled her eyes at me. “And? Just because you were thin doesn’t mean you were unhealthy.”

“You could see my ribs, Twilight. That’s not something Humans typically take as a sign of being healthy. I know the answer to this question already, but have you even seen what a starving person looks like?”

“You weren’t starving, you ate everyday!” Twilight snapped.

I gave her a look. “There’s more to eating than just chewing and swallowing, Twilight. You need the proper nutrients to survive, and I just wasn’t getting them from the vegetarian diet I was on. One way or another, I would’ve had to find a way to get my hands on the proteins and amino acids I need to survive, and I’ve been sick of eggs since I got my house in the first place.”

She rolled her eyes again. “Max, that's pseudoscience at best-”

“Uh, sweetheart? Just because you don’t understand something doesn’t mean it’s not a fucking fact.”

Twilight colored and glared at me, but I cut her off. “Why are we even talking about my nature as an omnivore right now? The facts are that Spike has to eat some kind of protein, right? So what have you been feeding him to make up for it?”

“He eats eggs and beans.” Twilight huffed.

I waited for her to say something else, but she just looked away. “Alright. So have you ever noticed how weak Spike is?”

“Spike isn’t weak.” Twilight said in a low letha voice.

I leaned in. “Twilight, even at his angriest, Spike can’t do half of what a Dragon his age should be able to do. That's why the Dragons at the Migration tried to keep him and that’s why I say you’ve been keeping him weak and docile. Whether you want to face it or not, Spike isn’t getting what he needs.”

“I say he is!”

“He obviously isn’t. Maybe we should have Celestia weigh in on this.”

“She’ll just agree with you!”

I gave Twilight the blankest look I could conjure up. “Do you think that’s because she likes me or because I’m right? I know how much you hate being wrong Twilight, but you are in this case.”

She levelled a steely glare at me. “Fine. We’ll ask Celestia and Luna.”

An idea popped into my head. “Or we could ask an actual Dragon who was there at the Migration. Chumana is only a letter away.”

“So we’re either asking two of you personal friends or just one of them? Max, that’s stupid.” She spat.

“Then let’s go ask Celestia and Luna and you can cast your lie detecting spell.” I offered.

Twilight huffed and her horn glowed for a moment. I saw blank space for a second and the world reopened to the Court Hall, but luckily Celestia was in between cases at the moment. I gave her a wave and Twilight crossed her arms, not bothering with pleasantries.

“Hullo, Hun. How’s the morning been?” I asked politely.

“It’s been going well, though I see you’ve infuriated Twilight already.” Celestia replied cooly. “Is there something I can help two of my favourite ponies with?”

“Yes, actually. Can you please tell Max that Spike doesn't need to eat meat to be healthy?” Twilight asked peevishly.

Celestia blinked at her. “I can’t really tell anypony that in confidence, Twilight. Most Dragons I know are either purely carnivores or eat gems. Some may like the taste of certain crops more than others, but for the most part, Dragons can’t consume Pony foods en masse. I thought you knew that.”

Twilight colored and glared at me. “I told you she’d just agree with you!”

I raised a brow at her. “But did she lie?”

Twilight turned away from me and I looked at Celestia, pointing at my fiance. “I love her, you know.”

“Yes, I know that, Max.” Celestia said patiently.

“I’m loving you a little less.” Twilight said hotly.

“Twilight…” Celestia said gently.

I shrugged off the slight. “Angry words solve nothing. Thanks for your time, Celestia.”

“It was no problem, Max. Twilight, please, if there’s anything you need or want to talk about, you know I’m here for you.” Celestia touched her hand to her bosom.

Twilight lost a bit of steam. “Thank you.”

I placed a hand on her shoulder. “Do you still want to talk to Luna or Chumana?”

“...No.” She said sullenly.

I sighed and saw her horn light up. I closed my eyes to avoid being discombobulated again, and once I opened them, I saw that Twilight was walking away from me and that I was now standing in the kitchen. Spike started heading towards Twilight but I waved him off and handed breakfast off to him before following Twilight myself. I just followed the sound of her heartbeat onto her balcony and propped myself against the railing while she leaned over it, staring blankly at the town.

“This isn’t about being right or wrong.” I stated.

She took a deep breath and sighed. “I don’t like being wrong, but you’re correct. That’s not why I’m upset. I just… I know Spike used to get fish when he was little, but I thought that was just something that baby Dragons needed, not adolescents. I knew how to take care of Spike, but I didn’t know that I was holding him back on such a level…”

“You didn’t know, Twilight. It just took a little while longer for you to see it than usual.” I said kindly.

“...I’m sorry I yelled at you for trying to do something nice. Well, not just something nice, but something necessary for Spike’s health.”

I leaned over and kissed her cheek. “I should’ve presented my case in a calmer manner.”

“You managed to be calmer than I was… I guess I just hate thinking that I’m doing things right with Spike only to find that I’ve been doing the wrong thing all along.”

“In fairness, you treat and view him as a little brother now, and now that you understand what he needs to grow as a Dragon, you can get more used to the idea of him eating meat. It doesn’t have to be what I give him, however. You were alright with the fish, right?”

“Well, yes. I thought it was strange, but some Ponies eat fish too.”

“Actually, some Ponies eat the kind of meat I eat. Noir was one of them.” I informed.

“Aren’t you always calling Noir brutal?”

I shrugged. “Horses and Ponies back in my world were kind of omnivorous, so it makes sense to me. I’ve heard of both eating fingers, fish, and all sorts of things, honestly. Horses were kind of terrifying in my world, to be honest with you.”

Twilight gave me a weird look. “You know whorse is an insult here, right?”

“I know, but that’s when you spell it with a ‘W’. In my world, Horses are just large Ponies, or vice versa.”

She chuckled a little. “...If you want to keep bringing Spike meat when you go hunting, I guess I’ll be okay with it. Just don’t cook it here, please.”

“I’d actually like to take him hunting with me one day, that or fishing.”

“Spike knows how to fish and prepare them so that you can eat them. Fluttershy taught him how to do all that since there aren’t any intelligent fish species.” So he's not going hunting with me. Okay.

I shrugged. “There you go. If he wants to cook it, he’s welcome to come to my house.”

“...Thank you, Max.”

“You’re welcome, cherry. What I brought over should last him a couple of days if he doesn’t devour all of it by the end of the hour.”

Twilight lifted a brow at me. “Have you ever seen Spike eat anything like he eats meat? That’s a part of the reason I didn’t want him eating it.”

I sighed. “It’s practically a delicacy to him, Twilight. That’s why he gorges himself on it when he can.”

“Kind of like how Rarity is with Germaneigh Chocolates, then. I guess I should’ve seen that too.” She sighed, standing up straight.

I pulled her in for a hug. “Cherry, I’ll never lie to you. I said I wouldn’t and I still haven’t.” I said softly. “Especially when it comes to Spike. You might know him better and love him more, but he’ll be my little brother too soon enough, and I would never do anything to cause him long-term pain. I might punch him for being a little shit, but I’d hurt myself more than I’d hurt him, honestly”

Twilight hugged me back. “Don’t hit my family.”

“You say that like I’m the one starting these fights.” I grumbled.

“You’re the one who continues them.”

I held her at arm’s length and frowned. “Did I tell you the extent of what your father put me through, Twilight Sparkle?”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m sure whatever Luna put you through was a lot worse.”

My frown deepened. “Physically? Yes. Mentally? Also yes. However, Luna could never touch me emotionally like Night Light did. To see hatred in the eyes of someone you were prepared to love and respect as your own father... “ I took a breath to calm myself. “That never made it into my journals. I know I’ll remember it well enough that it doesn’t have to.”

“...Did Luna’s training make it into your journals?” Twilight asked.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” I said.

Twilight shrugged my hands off of her arms and held my hands. “Are you sure? You seem like you need to.”

“I really don’t want to. I won’t freak out about it if I do, but I don’t want to put myself back in the state I was before I left. I made the Primal Path for a reason, Twilight, and it’s not because I didn’t think I’d be a good enough fighter.”

That made her very concerned. “...And you’re just okay with the fact that Luna broke you like that?”

I shrugged. “It was to make me tougher and it worked. She shaped me into a one man army, and that’s a part of what I need to be. I learned to control the pain that I feel and turn it straight into power, which is dangerous, but useful. Luna and Noir are why I name the things I fear on one hand.”

Twilight’s lips started quivering, so I cupped her face with my hand tenderly. “Cherry cherry, don’t shed a tear. With your horn, I’m always near. If I’m near, please never fear, I don’t have another rhyme, but I thought it was a good effort.” I gave her a lopsided grin.

Twilight cracked a smile and held my hand to her face. “You really are something else. How do you manage to make me so mad I don’t want to deal with you, then be so sweet I never want to be away from you?”

“Do you want a real answer or a joke?”

She gave me furrowed her brows. “You usually wouldn’t ask.”

I gave her a quick kiss. “I usually wouldn’t have a real answer that makes sense.”

“Can I have the joke first?”

“You know those lemon drops from Sugarcube Corner?” She took my hand away from her face and tilted her head the other way. “I’m like those. You have to have the sour before you can get to the sweet unless you have a friend suck the sour off first.”

“That’s disgusting!” Twilight giggled.

“But it made you laugh!” I grinned.

She patted my chest and gave me a significantly longer kiss, which was as even sweeter than usual. It felt like we’d been arguing now more than ever, and I couldn’t help but feel like it was mostly the stress we were both constantly under, or rather, the stress I was under. I knew that, to a point, Twilight was bearing as much of the burden right there with me, but I’m still taking the brunt of the weight to save her from having to. The world almost literally sits on my shoulders and this beautiful specimen was burning her candle from both ends to try and give me a little relief, if only for a few moments. I appreciated it more than she would ever know, but she just wasn’t the person who could ease the stress entirely. That would only happen if The War was prevented entirely or when it was over and done with. Just thinking about it gives me headaches, and all of this was running through my head while I was within Twilight’s tender embrace. When she tried to pull away, I didn’t want to let go and hesitated for a moment, knowing that reality was about to slap me in the face all over again like I was it’s little bitch that jumped through hoop after flaming hoop, but I couldn't hide away in Twilight’s arms forever, no matter how much I want to at times. I had to let go of my solace, my perfect drug, whenever we went back to normalcy, but that would never stop me from savouring the moments we spent together.

I was holding Twilight a little tighter than I’d meant to, but thankfully her Alicorn strength meant that I wasn’t going to hurt her any time soon. When we broke our kiss, Twilight was gazing at me with those beautiful royal purple eyes that grew darker and lighter in different spots depending on how she was feeling. They’d lightened considerably after our moment, drawing me into the days where we’d had nothing to worry about other than petty squabbles about nothing in particular and days of cuddling that just seemed like they’d taken place so long ago. I don’t know if she could see it in my own eyes or if she could feel my desperation, but my love allowed me one more kiss that was all too brief for my tastes, but I was happy to take what I could get.

When Twilight pulled away the second time, I gave her no resistance and looked at her lovingly. “You know, I’ve never doubted for a moment that I made the right choice with you. There are times when I regret doing something that upset you or that started an argument, but I can safely say that you’ve taken over my heart so perfectly that there will never be another who can touch what you’ve done, and every moment I spend under this blue sky, I know it’s because of the love you returned to my heart. Thank you, Cherry. Thank you for being you.”

Twilight held my hand and placed it on her chest, right above her heart. “I-I don’t really know what to say to that other than that I love you, amour. The pet name I gave to you says it all. I love you with all my heart and I don’t know if I could ever live without you if I knew you weren’t going to come back to me, so I need you to promise that no matter what happens, no matter how many millennia pass, you’ll always come back to me in the end, that you’ll always be my one true love.”

“I promise, Twilight. I’ll never leave you in heart or spirit, and that if I have to leave you physically, that I’ll always come back to you, even if we do end up turning old and grey somehow. I’ll never rest until I find you, and even if we do find the next life, I’ll be there looking for you no matter who goes first as long as you promise to do the same for me.”

We looked at each other for a long moment, and I figured that this would’ve been a good time to propose too. After affirming our love for wach other, no matter what nonsense we’d just been arguing about, I always felt as if I needed to give Twilight a token to remember the calm after the storm, what happens after we’ve blown through town. The fights just didn’t matter that much as long as we both knew who we were coming home to in the end, and that’s what makes my heart soar every time I see Twilight. Our love has already weathered a lot of nonsense, and I have no doubts that it’ll have to weather more before the Sun sets on our time together, but then again, we’re both rather close to the beings that turn the Goddamn planet, so the Sun can set another day.

With our hearts clear and our minds at ease for the time being, Twilight and I went back downstairs to find Spike and Crimson in a heated debate over which was better: ‘stallions’ or ‘mares’. Crimson was a firm supporter of guys since he’d generally had less trouble with them and they would generally tell you what was weighing on them if they knew what the problem was, but Spike maintained that the ladies had the edge because they were softer and more gentle, even if the women around Ponyville tended to be rather pushy with certain things.

Twilight herself said that she’d only ever dated me and said that I wasn’t all that hard to deal with, just that I attracted trouble like a magnet, which I couldn’t really deny. I was on Spike’s side because I didn’t like being fucked in the arse at all and I didn’t find guys attractive, but I was quickly told that I was off topic, but I was on Spike’s side anyway. My reasoning was that if you could figure out what was wrong with a woman, all you had to do was guess, but if you guessed wrong and took the time to ask what was wrong and be genuine about your interest, that they would probably tell you what they thought was wrong. Well, that’s how women here in Equestria work. That technique just wasn’t always a winner back on Earth since some people just like to be angry, but then again, some people are just difficult like that.

We eventually got off of the topic of who was better to date and moved onto why Spike was going to get better at fishing. Apparently Spike liked fish, but he just never ate it since he felt like it was more of an animal food than a Pony food, and he was technically right. I assured him that I would eat more fish for its nutritional value, that is, if I didn’t hate most of the things about non-fried fish. I just didn’t like the flaky texture of most fish, but I would happily eat it if it was deep fried and fattening. In fact, I asked Twilight if there was a place where I could get a deep fryer and she hit me for trying to deep fry everything I ate. I thought it was a little unnecessary, but she was kinda right, even if I hadn't said anything about doing exactly that.

Spike told me that Applejack had a deep fryer that she used for hay fries and stuff like that, but knowing that someone who hated me and Crimson to varying degrees had something I’d like to use didn’t help anything at all, so I gave Spike a look and he apologized for not thinking before he spoke. I told him it was fine since he knew what he did and asked him if he’d ever had fish eye soup. I myself wasn’t terribly fond of it, but he guiltily confessed that he’d tried a few fish eyes while helping Fluttershy prepare them for Krel since he’d just been hungry and curious. Twilight was about to chide him before I asked how he’d liked the taste and he said he wasn’t too fond, but they’d tasted better than flowers. He actually pulled a face and Twilight seemed rather offended since the things she made usually involved flowers in some way shape or form.

Crimson and I took turns explaining that omnivore tastebuds just worked differently and I reminded her that I straight up couldn’t eat flowers like roses or daisies without either dying or getting sick. Shit, I was surprised that Spike could eat them, and so was Crimson, but he just hadn't said anything since he knew of a few Dragons that liked baked goods and thought that wheat was kind of like a flower anyway. That sparked a debate between what was considered a flower and a crop, and I laid out the ground rules: Things you would find in a florist’s shop are fucking flowers. Things that you have to plow a field and grow in rows are crops. Shit was that simple, but Spike didn’t get the difference at all. However, Twilight did and said that she would try to get used to the smell of fish, but that any sort of real red meat just wasn’t about to fly in her house.

I understood that, so I asked Spike if he’d enjoyed breakfast. He said that he hadn't eaten any of it yet since he’d Twilight and I arguing about it and that made my fiance and I look at each other, faces a little rosy. We apologized for making him hear that awkward stuff and he said that it was fine. Spike knew that we were both just trying to look out for him in different ways and that it had given him a great reason to get to know Crimson. My undead friend cracked a smile and told me that Spike was a fun ‘colt’ to get to know, but Spike argued that he was legally a young man, but the two actual men in the house called him out on it and said that he’d be grown once he got out of his guardian’s house.

Crimson offered to take Spike out for some pizza or something and that piqued my attention, but I recognized that he was just trying to give me some alone time with Twilight since we’d patched things up, so I took the opportunity by the short and curlies and thanked him for taking my little brother out for a date. Spike vehemently protested the date part, but Twilight joined in and said that he and Crimson would just make the cutest couple she’d seen since him and Apple Bloom, which made Spike get tired of our shit and blow smoke at us. Crimson got him out of the house before we could keep pissing him off and Twilight and I alighted to the living room for some cuddles. She finished editing A Star-Crossed Love while relaxing on my lap and chided me for making the epilogue sad too, but I told her that it was happier than I’d originally intended on making the book in the first place, so she should be grateful for that bittersweet ending rather than just the bitter one I’d intended on having.

Twilight sighed and duplicated the book before sending it off to Stove Pipe, and I asked her if she would like to cuddle a little more or have a smoke. She didn’t want either and asked if we could go for a walk around town and I agreed, though I was a little confused since it really wasn’t like Twilight to get out of the house if we could spend our time together stationary. It’d been a good while since we’d been out and about, but I was happy to show off my woman if she was going to give me the chance. She put on some different shoes that I didn’t really see the point in since a lot of Ponies never bothered with them in the first place, but then again, it really wasn’t my fucking problem, now was it?

I complimented her on her choice of shoe and Twilight told me that we were going to see Cobble Pot to have me another few pairs of shoes made. I thought it was a little unnecessary until I saw the state that my boots were in. I mean, Boot Camp had been pretty rough on them, and Luna’s training had been even harder, but they would last me another month if I kept things less than super rough. Shit, they were too well made for me to just toss them anyway and that was why they’d held together for so long. Twilight also said that we were going to the local salon up until I protested and said that we were going to a proper barber. I wasn’t completely against visiting a salon, but I’m a fucking man dammit, and my hair is man hair! Man hair gets cut at a barber, thank you very much.

Twilight just rolled her eyes and we started our date in the nicest of ways. I complimented her and asked about the things I’d missed while we’d been apart and she asked me a few questions about my training. I didn’t tell her anything about Night Light or Luna, but I mentioned that I’d pulled together a good sized team in The Guard and that I’d made some good friends while I’d been there, despite the odds being stacked against me. She asked about Iron Hoof, Brilliant Day, and Moon Walk in particular, so I told her about them to the full extent of my knowledge, though I left out their body types since I figured she was asking since she was feeling a bit possessive. I didn’t want to give her any reasons to feel insecure, so I was sure to mention the flaws I’d seen in each of them as well and that seemed to put her at ease.

Cobble Pot still had my measurements on file from the last time I’d come to see him because I was the fucking Baron of his town and he figured that it would be important to keep that kind of information on hand, just in case. I asked him if he’d kept the old schematics for the boots I’d had him make me last time and he also had those on file, so I asked for another pair of the old faithfuls and Twilight asked if he could make me a pair of dress shoes to go along with them and I mentioned that I still had a pair, but she said that she wanted a pair that would match my Prince suit. I gently let Twilight know that I would handle the styling and color choice via drawings and schematics, which kind of put her off a bit, but when it came to things other than her own personal style, Twilight was a little… Fashion-blind, I suppose. There was this one dress that she was absolutely in love with that I thought was the most hideous yellow thing that had ever been invented in the color, and some of her other outfits were just… bad. So bad. It really was for the best if I chose the color and accents of my shoes.

I chose the color and had Cobble make me a pair of shoes that were practically Vans in my usual color scheme since I had always wanted a pair. Sure, I could’ve bought them with money from a well paying job or stolen some if I really wanted them, but I’d always preferred my boots for just about anything. I’m generally a boot kind of guy, but for just hanging out with Twilight or something, I wasn’t going to need my lock picks or throwing knives since I had plenty of other things in my arsenal. Actually, I can’t really think of any reason I would need them anyways, but I still liked to have them, just in case my powers were to ever fail me for whatever reason. I don’t know why they would, but sharp shit stabs and magic always has seemed unreliable to me, but that’s really because I don’t have a firm understanding of it.

When Cobble brought out the schematics for my shoes, Twilight asked what the sheaths were there for, so I told her and she asked Cobble to leave them out of this pair. I told him to leave them in and to keep to the original plan barring the sheath for my dirk since I no longer had one. Twilight asked me why I felt the need to carry weapons around at all time and I told her that I really just didn’t trust my magic to keep working all the time, every day, and she said that it was stupid, arguing that I should just leave the weapons at home in a drawer or something. I lifted my shirt and showed her the Warbling Blade, explaining that weapons go where I go, no matter what, and that I refused to leave them behind. I was pretty sure that we’d had this conversation before… Maybe it was with Celestia? Shit, I dunno, but either way, Twilight was firmly against me walking around with weapons until I told her that I was literally a living weapon at this point and that half of my magic was for the purpose of killin’ shit. She saw reason, but Cobble asked me if I was going to kill him because Ponies are pussies like that, so I had to talk some sense into him and explain that I was an Operative before I was a Prince, and that I had to be able to fight and handle certain situations. I basically spouted peace-loving bullshit until I heard his heart slow down with Twilight backing me up.

We parted ways with Cobble not thinking that I was a fucking murderer or something and Twilight apologizing for creating that situation, though she still had some muttering about me feeling the need to carry weapons everywhere. I mentioned that I also kept lock picks in my boots, but she was fine with that and had been ever since I’d unlocked her door for her when Spike had absentmindedly locked her out. Still, I maintained that knives were tools as much as weapons and she asked what purposes a knife could have other than for killing someone. I named whittling, juggling (though she denied that one because it was dangerous), chopping wood, showpieces that exemplified one’s skill, cooking in general, and basically anything that required scissors. Twilight said that showpieces didn’t count because that was practically just making something for the sake of making it and I told her that metalworking in general was a skill she would most likely never appreciate if she didn’t get that it was art. She acquiesced that metalwork could be pretty, but she was still against knives rather vehemently until I pointed out that they’d saved my life by just being in my hand multiple times while I was on Earth, and when I went into the details of those stories, she asked me to stop talking.

While we walked back to her place, I asked, “So have you been in contact with your parents in the past few weeks? I’m sure you guys keep a pretty steady amount of contact since you’re so close, right?”

Twilight took a few steps before answering. “I’ve talked to my Mom.”

I sense danger. “Is everything okay?”

She took a few more steps. “Not really… Fancy Pants heard through the grapevine what my Dad did to you while you were training with The Guard, though nopony wants to tell me any of it. Apparently Fancy came calling and my Dad… Well, Fancy was always a better fighter than he was…” She said sullenly.

I held her hand. “Twilight…”

She looked straight ahead. “...From what I hear, my Dad had it coming.”

I couldn’t think of anything to say at the moment, so when Twilight started turning to head toward her house, I bumped her and tilted my head in the opposite direction. It took me a few minutes, but I finally said, “I never intended for Night Light to get hurt, Twilight. If I would’ve known, I would’ve put it out there that anyone who laid a hand on him would deal with me. I should’ve been thinking ahead.”

Twilight squeezed my hand. “I love you, Max. Even though it’s not your fault, you’re still trying to add the blame to your plate… You metaphorically eat so much blame just because ponies pile it on…” She shook her head. “My Dad knew that what he was doing was wrong and Fancy knew that going after him for what he did was wrong too. I just don’t see why stallions always think revenge is necessary.”

We walked on in silence for a few more minutes. “It’s not that we think revenge is necessary, it’s that when someone makes our loved one’s suffer, we want the cause of that suffering to either go away or feel the same pain that they’re inflicting. You’re right: Night Light knew what he was doing was wrong, but he wanted me to suffer because I made you suffer, and I understand that. If I didn’t… Well, if you didn’t make me promise to not retaliate against him, I doubt I would have gotten through training anyway. Fancy knew what he was doing was wrong too, but I’m sure he wanted it to be clear to Night Light that he wasn’t going to get away with pulling bullshit with me just because I refused to do anything back. Men don’t seek revenge just because violence is in our nature or some bullshit like that: it’s because if we can’t protect the people we have in our lives, you can be damn sure that we’ll avenge them.”

Twilight sighed. “You basically said that stallions think revenge is necessary. Why can’t you just forgive somepony for their transgressions and let life continue?”

“Because the heart doesn’t work like that, Twilight. You’ve heard me say time after time that if someone ever hurt you, I was going to kill them. It’s not because I like inflicting pain, it’s because you are my heart, Twilight. When someone attacks someone you love, they are attacking your love in itself. It’s so much deeper than what you’re saying it is. Can you honestly say that you’re on good terms with your Dad or Shining right now?”

I looked at her and saw that she was blinking back tears, so I pulled off to the side of the street and into an alley. She cleared her eyes and looked into my eyes. “I know Max, I know it’s hard to forgive somepony and you’re right about Shining and Dad, but… Do the Elements of Harmony mean nothing? Are they just symbols and nothing more?” She asked, pleading for me to agree.

“They’re symbols and examples, Twilight, but you see how our friends are. The paragons of the Elements aren’t good people all the time, and no one is. Evil lies in every heart and no amount of kindness will make that go away. Some truths hurt, and no kind of honesty will ever take that sting away. Some friendships fall apart and there isn’t a kind of loyalty that will fix that. Some people can only give so much before their generosity runs out. Some things are so horrifying that you just can’t laugh, and magic might be powerful, but it can’t fix everything. My dearest love, I hate to tell you this, but the world isn’t perfect. Equestria isn’t perfect. Ponyville isn’t perfect. There isn’t a single perfect person on this entire planet.” I chuckled, my voice thick. “Even the one being that my race thought was the most perfect of all beings is a right and proper cock sometimes, but that’s the nature of living beings Twilight. To be alive is to make mistakes, but it’s what we do after those mistakes that makes us who we are. Night Light made a mistake. Fancy made another. Their mistakes aren’t going to end there. I don’t know how to put it, but it’s just how things are.”

Twilight placed her head on my chest and let out a few silent sobs before saying, “I hate this! I don’t want to hear this, Max! I don’t want to be a Princess, I don’t want to know that my friends are bad ponies, that my Dad is a bad pony, that Celestia is a bad pony! Why can’t everypony just be nice?” She finished weakly.

I held her close. “I’m sorry, Twilight.”

She weakly beat my chest. “Why?”

I didn’t answer that because I just couldn’t. There wasn’t anything I could say that would erase what I’d said. There were no apologies that take the truth from her ears or the black marks from the world. To a point, I could do to Equus what I’d done in my world, but Celestia had forbidden me and used magic to make me swear an oath that I wouldn’t. There just wasn’t anything I could do to ease the pain I had caused Twilight, but she… She needed to hear it. Rather, I felt that as a person, she needed to hear it, and I knew that she was going to learn it in time. The next words out of my mouth were chosen so, so carefully so I wouldn’t dig Twilight’s well of despair any deeper.

“Twilight.” I said softly.

She looked up to me, tears streaking the fine, short fur on her face. “Please no.”

I bent down a little and held her head to my shoulder. “No one is perfect, Twilight, but a lot of people strive to be. So many people work their hardest to be better than what their nature calls for them to be. I know there are times when you want to shout and scream at your friends, but you don’t. I know that there are times where you’re so fed up with your family, the biological one and the royal one, that you want to tell all of us to rot in Tartarus. I know there are times where you don’t want me around, but you know what? You don’t shout and scream. You don’t say hateful things to us. You always apologize when we see each other again, and you know why?”

She pushed back and looked at me again, but she didn't speak. “It’s because, just like there’s a bit of darkness in every heart, there’s good in the vast majority, barring people like Chrysalis and Sombra. Evil only takes people over when they let it, Twilight. Look around you and witness for yourself all the good in the world; people help each other daily without asking for anything in return, or give gifts out of the kindness of their hearts. People tell each other the honest truth because lies will only hurt more in the end. People show loyalty to those who show it in turn because everyone wants someone they can count on. People share what they’re blessed with because of that goodness. I know for a fact that you like when people laugh because it means that they’re happy and that makes you happy, and magic might not be able to fix everything, but it’s so vital to the things that it can that sometimes I doubt that this world would ever work without it.”

I took a moment to collect my words. “Just because the world isn’t perfect in the traditional sense doesn't mean that it’s not perfect in it’s own way. Things are how they are, and people like us, people that can see the good and the evil are the ones who can push the evil back and spread the good.” I smiled at her and cleared her tears. “When I came here, Twilight, I was dark grey and if I would’ve stayed on my Earth, living the life that I was, I don’t doubt that I would’ve turned out pitch, jet, onyx, black kind of evil with no good left in me, but I met you. I met someone with so much good in their heart that they were willing to share that I started to become a better person, and I know it’s been a long road, and I know that I’ve done evil things, but through it all, you’ve been there to remind me what the good is supposed to look like, and I’m not just saying that you’re good looking.” She chuckled a little. “There’s a lot of facets to the world, my love, but the Elements make up some of those facets and form the face of goodness. That goodness will always overcome evil, no matter what, Twilight Sparkle, and don’t you dare forget that.”

Twilight gave me a small smile. “...I won’t. I promise that to you, amour. I’ll never forget what you’ve said to me.”

I rolled my eyes. “Everything I say is profound, Cherry. You should remember everything I say.”

She rolled her eyes in turn and blew some air between her lips that made her sound like a horse and I couldn’t stop myself from cracking up. “Hey! What are you laughing at!?” Twilight carped… Well, not quite happily, but it didn’t sound like she was terribly upset.

I caught my breath. “Cherry, can you whinny for me?” I grit my teeth and waited for an answer.

She fucking did it and I lost my shit completely, doubling over because I was laughing so fucking hard. Twilight stood back and waited for me to get myself together, but I just couldn’t manage and she started tapping one of her hooves while I was dying of oxygen deprivation. I’m sure she checked an imaginary watch, so I quelled my laughter and stood up as straight as I could, my sides aching, trying to shut down the smile on my face and failing miserably. The blush on her face was adorable, and so was the loveable little pout.

“And just what were you laughing at?” She asked a bit peevishly.

“I just-” I broke out laughing again, which made Twilight put her hand on my shoulder and teleport me back to her house.

“Do you think whinnies are funny or something? Everypony does it, Max.”

“I-” I couldn’t stop. It was just too ridiculous.

She gave me an adorable little glare that didn’t phase me in the slightest. When Crimson and Spike walked in, I was still giggling like mad, but by then I’d laid down on the floor while trying to get my breath back.

“So what’s he laughing about?” Spike asked.

“Max asked me if I could whinny so I did and that was awhile ago. He still hasn’t quite calmed down yet.” Twilight replied.

“It’s just-” I hiccuped. “Aww fuck, that shit-” I hiccuped again. “So golden!”

“Everypony whinnies.” Crimson said.

“Apparently Max hasn’t heard a pony do it before.” Twilight said.

I took a deep breath and tried not to let it out as a laugh. “Fucking Christ. Aww… That was some fucking good stuff right there!”

Crimson whinnied and I rolled over just to look at him and started all over again. “I really don’t see what’s so funny about it.” He said, confused.

“Neither do I.” Twilight huffed over my laughter.

I heard Spike scratch his scales. “I dunno, I guess we’ll ask when he chills out.”

It took a few more minutes, but I eventually got ahold of myself and sat up, groaning and working out the last of my giggles. “Bloody fucking Hell. Ah. Ah.” I giggled some more. “I’m so done with this fucking planet right now.”

Twilight had taken to reading a book on the couch. Crimson and Spike were doing similar activities in different seats around the room, so I joined Twilight and threw an arm around her casually. “How’s it goin’ my pretty little Pony?”

She passed me a stiff look. “Are you finally done?”

Crimson whinnied from across the room and I couldn’t keep a straight face, doubling over again. Twilight must have picked him up and dropped him with magic or something because I heard a heavy sounding thud from his general direction and Spike giggled at that. I heard something heavy fall in Spike’s general direction a few seconds later and that didn’t help at all. Each of them grumbled unkind things about Twilight too softly for her to hear, but I figured that she kind of deserved it, but when Twilight blew air between her lips again, I couldn’t help but get a little hoarse with my laughter. Shit was actually painful at this point, so I calmed down quickly enough, and when I did, I kept my eyes straight ahead and didn’t look at anything in particular until I was completely done. Once I was, I laid my head on Twilight’s lap and looked up at her.

I cleared my throat. “You know I love you, right?” I croaked.

Twilight moved her book and gave me a look. “Do I? You’ve spent the last ten minutes laughing at me, after all.”

I reached up and booped her. “It’s just because you’re a cutie pie.”

Spike gagged and Twilight dropped him again. “Keep it up and I’ll drop you from the ceiling!” She warned.

“Whatever!” He scoffed. “I’m going to Sweet Apple Acres if you’re gonna keep dropping me!”

“Keep giving her snark and I’ll drop you, mate.” I said casually.

Twilight covered my mouth. “Don’t listen to Max. I’m the only one allowed to drop you.”

“Stupid whorse.” Spike grumbled.

I bolted up straight and sent a black look at Spike and he bitched up real quick. “Sorry…”

“S’what I thought. Don’t say that shit about your sister, even if you don’t mean it.” I responded evenly.

Twilight gave me an odd look as I was laying back down. “What did he say?”

“Don’t worry about it.” I closed my eyes. “Your aroma is simply lovely today.” I replied softly.

“Uh-huh.” She said skeptically.

I opened one eye. “I wouldn’t say that it was if it wasn’t.”

“What was so funny earlier?” She asked, cutting straight to the point.

I couldn’t suppress my smile. “I don’t believe I understand Equuish at the moment.”

She pouted. “What happened to never lying to me?”

“Quelle?” I answered. “Je ne comprends pas.”

“Tu sais ce que je dis, tu poulain!” She huffed.

My eyes shot open. “Shit, I didn’t think you actually knew French.”

“I know a lot of things, Max. I don’t know why you think whinnies are funny, though.”

I grinned. “Ponies from my world used to do that too. I never knew Ponies from Equus could too. The little sound you make when you blow air from your lips just reminded me of them.”

She pinched my cheek. “Of course Ponies whinny! It’s just something we do!”

“It’s fucking hilarious!” I chuckled. “Do it again, please. It’s so much cuter when you do it.”

Twilight pinched a little harder. “You’re just awful sometimes, you know that?”

“I know I am, but what are you?” I asked, dropping my voice to sound completely serious.

She stopped pinching my cheek and tilted her head. “Uh… Purple, I guess.”

I booped her. “Correct! A biscuit for you, my sweet bugaboo!”

Spike gagged again and got up from his chair. “That’s it! I’m out!” He huffed in a very manly manner. Very manly.

“Don’t stay out too late, okay?” Twilight called after him.

Spike turned back with a raised brow and prepared to say something snarky, but a look from me shut that shit down. “...Yeah, okay.”

“Thank you!” Twilight said sweetly.

I rolled back to continue looking up at her. She put a hand on my forehead and said, “Huh. That was easier than usual.”

“You didn’t see the look Max gave him.” Crimson chuckled.

I flipped him off and Twilight switched her book holding hand so she could whack my chest. “Max!”

“I didn’t even say anything!” I protested.

“You know you’re intimidating.” She scolded. “It doesn’t help that you got so much… Bigger, when you went away.”

I looked down. “The Ol’ Chap is the same size, cherry.”

“The Ol’ what now?” She asked.

“He’s talking about the third leg.” Crimson commented from across the room.

Twilight hit me again. “Oi! Crimson fucker, whose side are you on?”

“You make everyone suffer when you open your mouth, bud. It’s only fair that someone calls you out.” He replied easily.

I sat up, picked him up from his chair, and dropped him on his arse. “Why don’t you find a juicy dick to suck or something.”

He got up rubbing his rear. “I might just do that, you cotton-headed ninny. I’ll catch you at back at base.”

I tossed him the key and he caught it with magic since I’d thrown it poorly. “If you bring someone home, shut the door. I’ll hear it anyway, but if you’re nice enough to do that, I’ll be nice enough to never bring it up.”

Twilight blushed and he coughed. “Y-Yeah… So… I’m just gonna go…” He said awkwardly.

“Good luck.” I waved him off.

“Um, Crimson?” Twilight asked.

“Yes?” He responded.

“The Mare’s Tail is the bar I think you want. I-I’m sorry if I’m assuming-”

“No, you’re right.” He said simply. “I’ll see you two lovebirds later.”

“Later, mate.”

“Goodbye.”

And thus Twilight and I were alone. I laid back down on her lap and she kept read for a little while, and until I heard her close her book, I was content to just lay there with my eyes closed, breathing in the scent of my fiance. When she stopped reading, I opened my eyes and she had my journal and a pen in her hand, so I accepted them from her and sat up so I could write properly, but she teleported a blanket onto the floor and sat down with her back to me, so I sat facing away from her and we started writing back-to-back. She was a little irritated when I came back from my jerky break, but then again, I had to explain that meat was like a Briar Rose to me. She mentioned that Briar Heart had been even more guarded with them ever since I’d left, so I told her that I’d talk to her tomorrow and see if I could get some for her and the girls, though I didn’t know if she’d be offended that I hadn't stopped by earlier. Eh, she could deal with being mad for a little bit.

Twilight and I wrote for a good while, but as with all good things, it came to an end eventually when my Cherry started yawning. I’m finishing things up right now, but I can’t help but wonder if I should start capitalizing pet names. I think I’ll try it out to see if I like it, but you know, some things just work how they are. I know I’ve had to start capitalizing Prince and Princess since they are titles, after all. I’ll probably do it, but now Twilight’s egging me on to come to bed, so I suppose this is it for now.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Two days have passed since my last entry (making this the night of the second day), but that’s because I haven’t really done anything I consider important. I visited Strawberry Petal and Mary while I was in town visiting Briar Heart and her sisters, but I’ll start with the visit with Briar Heart when I give the rundown. Again, it feels inconsequential to me since I didn’t really do anything important, but Twilight has already told me off for not carrying out my journal duties, so I guess I can make a few quick paragraphs about what went on. Hell, the main reason I haven’t written about anything is because tonight is the first time I’ve gotten to spend some time with Twilight and I really just haven’t done much other than go around visiting people that I’d been meaning to visit. There are still two more people on my list, but I’ll get to them tomorrow, yeah?

Anyway, so the visit with Briar Heart started with me walking to her flower shop earlier today. It was pretty pleasant out considering the time of year: wasn’t too hot, wasn’t terribly windy either, but gives a flying fuck about weather? Who cares about any of this shit? Apparently Twilight because she just bitched at me for writing that. I swear, sometimes the woman can be so damn persnickety about some things that she sounds like Rarity, but then again, I remember having to reorganize cupcakes because she ate one from the display I’d set up when I’d had my bonfire. I don’t have OCD, but if we were going through the trouble of organizing them by color, then why wouldn’t we set them up so that they’re orderly too?

I got off topic way too easily. Back to the visit with Briar, yeah?

So I walked into her shop, right? Lo and behold, her sisters fucking faint at the sight of me and I stand there looking like a killer or something because Briar rns out of the back after hearing one of them fall into a display. She looks around and seems me, so I just wave like ‘How do you do?’ and she gives me the most ‘What the fuck?’ I’ve ever seen, so I spend like, ten minutes trying to explain to her that I didn’t do a damned thing to either of her sister’s and once we got that cleared up, she straight up forgets that I’m a Prince and rips my fucking head off (metaphorically of course) and curses me with every pony slur I’ve ever heard and a few creative ones that I’ll have to write down and use for my own purposes sometime.

That went on for far too long, so I shut her up by licking her face right up the middle and shaking her until she scrunched her face up and hit me. I warned her that assaulting royalty was a capital offense and she dared me to arrest her, so I checked her by picking her up with my Psychokinesis and walked her toward Town Hall. Once she realized where we were going, she asked if I was seriously going to arrest her and I dropped her, telling her that I was, in fact, not going to arrest her over something so small. That earned me another string of curses, but I just laughed and gave her a hug that she returned fiercely.

Briar had missed me to no end, but once I explained my absence and what all I felt like telling her, she understood that I hadn't really had a choice in the matter of whether or not to stay or go. I appreciated her understanding, and on the walk back to her shop, I asked how things had been for her while I’d been gone. She said that she’d missed the times when we’d just trade harmless insults and toss slurs back and forth, but the only real problem she’d had was walking by my empty house, knowing that the only person inside was likely Berry Blitz or Twilight herself. She asked how long I’d been back in town, so I truthfully told her that I’d been back for about a month and a half, but that I’d been in Canterlot for that month. Briar then asked why it had taken me so long to talk to her, and to to tell her the truth, it was just that I was busy as fuck and when I wasn’t, I was spending my time with Twilight or my family, trying to catch up on lost time. Thankfully she understood that too, but that made her ask if I considered her a friend. I thought the answer was obvious since I came to see her in the first place, but you know how people can be sometimes.

She didn’t want to head back to her shop just yet, so we passed it by and we talked a little more. Briar had gotten to know Berry a little better and told me that she just didn’t like the woman. Berry was simple minded and a bit of an idiot at times, and when I chastised her for saying that, she asked if wasn’t true. I never said that it wasn’t, but I insisted that there are some things you shouldn’t say about good folk. She asked when I had gone soft and I told her that I hadn't gone soft: I just liked Berry because she was a good person with a kind heart, and even though she’d been flashing me for the first couple of months she’d been under my employment, I still respected her. Briar said that it was probably the fact that she’d been flashing me that made me like her, so I lagged behind a little and let Briar walk in front of me so I could scoop one of her hooves with my foot and make her stumble. It worked better when your target had feet, but it was still funny when she glared at me and threatened to shave a bouquet of roses up my arse.

We chatted on our way through town and actually ran into Berry and Knuckle Duster while they were out on a date. I thought they were a nice couple, and when I convinced Briar to stop by for a brief visit, they were happy to talk for a few minutes. I learned that Duster was still working for Onyx and that our big pink friend really needed to talk to me about something, so I promised that I would talk to him once I finished up with Briar and asked how he’d been. Duster and Berry said that they were glad that the Elements had been around for the past couple years when things got cray, like when the Everfree started coming in and destroying the town, but I’d heard that story and they were rather liberal with their praise toward my friends.

Either way, Briar didn’t like Berry and she liked Duster a little too much, so I dragged her away to continue our walk after bidding Berry and her boyfriend a good day. Briar asked why we left so soon and I told her that it was because she had been low-key flirting with Duster right in front of Berry and she asked why she didn’t deserve a shot at nabbing a man of her own. I told her to go to a bar in Canterlot or something if she was really that pressed to find a man, but she said that she would want to stay for a week and that my garden needed to be tended to twice in that time period. I told her that my plants would be fine if they missed two waterings and she said that, while they would, she didn’t trust her sisters to run her shop for more than a few days anyway. At this point she was just coming up with excuses, so I told her that she was taking a vacation whether she wanted to or not and she looked at me like I was crazy. The look on my face barred no arguments and when she went to argue anyway, I gave her a darker look and she meekly thanked me for the opportunity to go find a ‘stallion’ of her own. I mentioned that she should be taking more time off anyway and she swore at me for a few minutes in low grumbles before sighing and saying I was probably right. I patted her on the back and told her that she could start by making sure her goofy sisters weren’t dead in their shop and taking the rest of the day to go get a hooficure or something. She said that she might do just that and turned back, thanking me for telling her to not work as much. I thanked her for her company and continued heading towards the Lock Pad.

As per the usual, Onyx was fucking around, making wafers and what not for his locks when I came in. He greeted me gruffly, but he stopped his work to give me his full attention and I asked him if he was alright. Dude didn’t say that he was or that he wasn’t, but he did ask why I was asking and I told him that I’d heard he’d needed to talk to me. He cursed Knuckle Duster and grumbled under his breath about nosy ‘colts’ before telling me that he was fine. I crossed my arms and leaned against one of his work tables, raising a brow at his general lack of talking.

“Look, mate. I wouldn’t be here if I was going to pull some bullshit or if I thought it was unimportant, so why don’t you tell me what’s up?” I asked.

“There’s nothing ‘up’, colt.” He replied in his usual low rumbles.

“Obviously there is. We never did spend that much time together, but I should probably tell you now that you can’t lie to me, one way or another. And that’s not magic, Onyx. That’s just me.”

He glared at me. “I didn’t need to talk then and I don’t need to talk now. Let it go.”

“It’s weighing on your heart. I can practically hear the thing pounding in your chest and it’s not because you’re pissed or something like that. You’re dating Blue, right? You’re practically my Dad already, so let your wise, handsome, insightful, awesome, generally incredible step-son bear some of your burden. It can’t be worse than what’s already on my plate, mate.”

He scoffed. “It’s not a burden, just guilt, sonny.” He filed away at a thing or something for a few minutes before looking at me. “You’re not making me talk.”

I shrugged. “The only things I’ve got to do today are visit Mary and Petal, but I can do that shit tomorrow if I really want to.”

Onyx looked at me for a few minutes and sighed. “Might as well save us some time then. Leaving Blueberry ate me up for awhile. I hated that I couldn’t be with her, so I stopped seeing Mary and focused on my work, but nothing filled the hole and I knew that it wouldn’t. I ran another mission as an Operative for Her Highness Princess Celestia, but it just… Nothing helped.”

I tilted my head. “I’m surprised that you did another mission, but I could’ve told you that the only thing that would have made that emptiness go away was going back to Blue. You were stuck between a rock and a hard place, mate. You either ate glass every day or you sat in it and wiggled about like you were trying to get it in the opposite hole. There’s not other way to say it other than that you were trapped in a shitty situation, Onyx, and you can’t keep blaming yourself for something that happened via force of nature.”

He nodded. “I know that. I know that better than anypony else alive.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know how to make you stop blaming yourself, but I can say that you could try eating some brown eye to make up for it.”

“...Aren’t we talking about your mother?” He asked, running a hand over his close cropped, greying mane.

“I don’t think about it too hard when I say stuff like that. Just makes my life easier.”

“But you’re literally suggesting that I kiss flank?”

“Basically. See how that goes.”

Onyx and I stared at each other for a long moment before we both chuckled, shaking our heads. “You’re one bucked up colt, you know that?”

“Eh, comes with the territory. Are we good for now, Onyx? You know where to find me if we need to talk again.”

“Tch. You never stay in one place too long. I’ll have Blue send you a letter if I really need to talk to you, but don’t get your hopes up.”

I nodded. “I’ll be waiting with baited breath then. Feel free to take my advice, however.”

He rolled his eyes. “Shut up and get out of my shop.”

I shut up and got out of his shop since he went back to work a little more easily than he had been. I couldn’t hear his heart thudding painfully in his chest, or rather, it wasn’t thudding as hard when I took my leave, so I considered my job well done and decided to carry on with my day and go see Mary. Now, you may ask why I skipped over the entire time I spent with Briar by not really going into detail about our conversations, but that’s because fuck you and I didn’t feel like it. Talking to Onyx struck me as important enough to write down, so I did and that’s all there is to it. It’s not that I don’t think talking to Briar and Mary are important events, but I just don’t feel like writing about said events, and if you don’t like it, you can deal with it on your own time. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Twilight.

Anyway, so I went down the street a ways and let myself into Town Hall because everyone’s allowed in there anyway, but I’m especially allowed in there because I’m handsome. Strawberry was doing something or other, so when I hopped over the counter silently while she wasn’t looking, I felt like a great and magical ninja while I snuck up behind her, and when I was poised to strike, I wondered what I should do. She was writing while I was thinking, so I didn’t think I should grab her or anything like that, so I thought a little more and came up with one Hell of a prank. I crept up behind her while activating my Dark Aura and leaned over her shoulder. I pumped it up a notch and she shivered putting her pen down to rub her arms, but Luna had taught me to mask my presence while using my Aura, so I assume it just felt like the room was slowly darkening. It literally would if I tried hard enough (something I learned with Luna as well), so I decided to make things a little shadier in the Town Hall and started making some Mist to go along with it.

I don’t think I’ve ever written about Mist, so a quick description of it is that it’s fucking mist. That’s all it is. It’s dark and hard to see through, but other than that, it just smells kinda like my teakwood cologne and it’s really easy to make. It barely takes any concentration and if I want to, I can easily fill a room from top to bottom since it’s magical in nature and won’t really dissipate until I tell it to, which reminds me of a prank I pulled in Sugarcube Corner, but that was with marshmallow flavoured smoke and it’s really just a story for another time. The point is that I was setting some Mist on the floor of the Town Hall, making it creep around Strawberry’s desk and plume from the main hallway. It looked pretty cool to me, but when Strawberry stood up and nearly bumped into me, I had to drop to the floor while keeping up my charade. She nearly stepped on me when she turned around , but when she did, I just slid around her until she sat back down.

Strawberry was thoroughly freaked out, asking if anyone was in the room with her, so I unmasked my presence and rose behind her slowly, increasing the pressure my Dark Aura put out until she started to shake lightly, and when I thought she’d had enough, I let my hands rest on her arms and leaned in closely. She froze in place and I caressed her face with the back of my fingers slowly. I reached her chin and held it firmly, gently breathing on the side of her neck while turning her to face me. When she and I were looking each other in the eye, I kissed her cheek.

“Hullo, love! Beautiful day, isn’t it?” I said jovially, withdrawing my magic from the room quickly.

Strawberry looked like she was about to cry, so I swiveled her chair around and licked the left side of her face. “Didja miss me?”

“M-M-Max?” She asked in disbelief.

“The one and only.” I grinned.

“W-W-Were you doing all that?” She asked, shaking.

“Sure was. The look on your face was fucking priceless!” I held back a chuckle.

She threw a punch into my ribs that was pretty alright, but I still had to pretend like it actually hurt. “You absolute bastard! You had me scared for my life you- you- you- URGGHH!”

While Strawberry hit me with everything she had, I laughed my arse off for a minute or two until Mary came a’cloppin’ down the hall after hearing the commotion. “Strawberry Petal! Is everything alright.”

“I’m going to beat this stallion to death and back!” Strawberry said while whacking me with a thick book. I don’t know what the book was, but it was a hardback and it was quite large.
‘

Mary round the corner to find me avoiding getting in in the face by Strawberry, and when I saw her, I just took the book from Strawberry and made her float with Telekinesis. “If it isn’t my favorite Mayor! How’ve you been, Mary?”

Mary looked at Strawberry and back to me, but before she could speak, Strawberry came up with some new curses, so I set her spinning and put her a little lower to the ground so I could give Mary a hug. “I’ve missed you, Dreamsicle.”

Mary hugged me back, but I could feel that she was still looking at Strawberry. “Um, Max? Why are you levitating my receptionist? And why is she furious with you?”

“That buck-headed bucking stallion made me think bucking Death was coming for me!” Strawberry cried from her rotations. It was amusing to hear her voice sound closer and further away as she spun.

I looked back at her. “I’ll put you down if you forgive me.” I said cheekily.

“I’m going to beat you black and blue!” She threatened.

“I can leave you there all day, you know.” I said casually. “I don’t have to be around to stick a ‘Levitation’ Seal on you.”

Strawberry let loose another string of curses, so I held up a finger to Mary and stopped Strawberry long enough to lick her face all over. She just continued to glare at me. Keep in mind she’d been wringing my neck the entire time, but I could go a full three minutes without breathing and it’s not like she was exactly in the habit of trying to choke someone to death anyway. Still, when I let go of her, she went back to hitting me, so I just started sticking tiny Seals on her clothes until I’d gotten everything that was visible and let my Telekinesis fade. Strawberry was still in the air, so I got behind her, avoided looking up her skirt, and grabbed one of her hooves so I could set her spinning at a speed that would make anyone dizzier than a drunk freshman at their first party. Mary came over and tried to stop her, but I set her floating too and waited until Strawberry started getting a little green around the gills and set her going in the opposite direction at a slower speed to make it suck a little less for her. She stopped cursing and started groaning, so I stopped her completely and gave her a kiss on the cheek before towing Mary to her office while she was still floating.

What? I was feeling particularly whimsical! It’s not like I was going to let the woman be ill or anything, so don’t you judge me!

When I got Mary to her office, she was giving me a very womanly look. “Maximus, I swear, if you don’t go back downstairs and put Strawberry Petal down, I will have you arrested for Misdemeanor Prankery!”

I kissed her nose. “Love, you can’t arrest me.”

She glared at me. “I’ll have you know that as Mayor of this town, I can have you arrested since you’re no longer a Baron. I’m sorry if I’m the one giving you this news,” Way ahead of you there, “but you can’t just go around messing with everypony like you used to!”

I smiled at her. “How are you going to have me arrested if I just shut you and Strawberry in one of the unused rooms up here? No one’s going to think of looking for you until I’m out of town anyways.”

Mary paled. “Y-You wouldn’t do that to us… Would you?”

I frowned and put a hand on her shoulder. “Would you really have me arrested? Be honest, now, I can tell if you’re lying.”

Mary pursed her lips and regained some steel in her eyes. “I would if you don’t go downstairs and let Strawberry down. What you’re doing is just mean spirited at this point.”

I rolled my eyes. “It took you eight minutes to hear that Strawberry was beating me with a book and cursing my name to high Heaven. I just let her hit me, Mary. We both know I could’ve put a stop to it sooner if I really wanted to, and I could’ve been far meaner than just spinning her around for a few seconds.”

“What’s gotten into you, Max? It’s been two years since you’ve seen us and this is how you’re starting the reunion?” She said, using motherly guilt to strike me in the heart.

“Don't take that tone with me! You know it’s not fair!” I gave her a look.

Mary just looked at me with saddened eyes, so I sighed and let her down. “Thank you.” She said softly.

“I guess I got carried away… I am glad to see you, Mary, both of you. I don’t really have an excuse-” I said.

Mary slapped my shit. “I’m still mad at you for torturing Strawberry!”

“...I’ll go remove the Seals. Stand still for a moment, yeah?”

She looked at me like I was crazy until I jumped into her shadow. I rose under Strawberry and ducked so I wouldn’t headbutt her stomach, and when she saw me, she just groaned some more. “Alright, Strawberry. I think I’ve had my fun.”

“You call this fun?” She asked miserably.

I waved my hand and the Seals started disappearing until she had two hooves on the floor. “I really am sorry. I was just trying to scare you a little in the first place, and the spinning really wasn’t necessary.”

Strawberry hit me weakly. “You’re despicable.”

“...Yeah. Let’s get to Mary’s office so we can talk, okay?” I said softly.

She just groaned again, so I scooped her up off of her hooves and carried her up the stairs since it was obvious that she wasn’t walking anywhere. I hadn't thought about it in the moment, but I’d really put her through the ringer for no real reason, and that made me feel like a shittier person that I usually was, so I figured the least I could do was get her off of her standing sticks for a little bit. Mary met us at the stairs, and when she saw me carrying Strawberry, she asked if she was okay. Strawberry gave an affirmative and suddenly hit me in the Adam’s Apple, but Luna had hit me there multiple times, so I wasn’t terribly phased by it. Mary had flinched and asked if I was okay. My response was a little garbled, but it was still a yes, so she lead us into her office and let Strawberry have her chair.

Once we were settled and Mary was giving me a disapproving look, she said, “Really now, Maximus. Why shouldn’t I have the authorities get involved?”

I pursed my lips and looked away. “Well, for one, they can’t really do anything.”

She huffed. “You act like they haven’t had to deal with Unicorns before, Max. You can’t just teleport out of a cell.”

“I don’t teleport and they can’t arrest me, Mary.” I replied, shuffling my feet.

“You’re. Not. A. Baron. Max, you don’t have diplomatic immunity anymore!” Mary said angrily. “Even if you did, would you really abuse it like that?”

I met her gaze. “Of course I wouldn’t, Mary. I know I’m not a Baron, but Twilight’s still my girlfriend-”

“And I fully plan on telling her what you’ve done today, you can count on that!” She huffed.

I gave her a look. “You’re going to fucking tell on me? That’s actually kinda cute.” I chuckled.

Mary marched over stuck a finger in my face. “If you think I won’t, then you have another thing coming!”

I held my hands up. “Calm down, Mary. I’ve sincerely apologized-”

“Do you think that makes up for it! Max, I can’t believe you would just mess with ponies to this extent!”

I gave her a look paired with a disarming smile. “Come on, love, I’ve done worse.”

“Have you really?” She asked firmly.

“Yeah, Twilight will tell you that. There was the time where I made her think she was dead because I had Spike help me ignore her for a couple hours and talked about how much we missed her. You could ask Rainbow about the time I put glitter in her feathers and made her sparkle for a week. You should really ask Rarity about the time I reorganized her shop three days in a row. That was fucking golden.” I chuckled.

Mary kept glaring at me. “While you reminisce about being awful, I’ll be getting in touch with Twilight and the police.”

“Only one of those is going to be able to do anything, Mary. Please don’t bother the constables over something that no one got hurt over.” I requested.

Strawberry stirred and propped her head up. “Mary, don’t call the police. It’s not like he meant any harm.”

Mary set her jaw. “...Fine, but Twilight is still going to hear about this.”

I sighed. “She’s busy at the moment, but if you really want to take time out her schedule to make her deal with petty nonsense…”

The older woman stuck her finger in my face again. “Don’t you try to weasel your way out of any recourse! One way or another, Twilight is going to be here to deal with you!”

I rolled my eyes and grasped my necklace. “Twilight, Cherry, come here a mo’, will you?” I murmured.

Mary looked at me funny. “What are you doing?”

“Calling Twilight. She should be here when she’s finished with whatever she’s doing.” I said, walking over to sit on Mary’s desk. “How are you feeling, Strawberry?”

“Better. Please stop messing with me, okay?” She asked.

“I’ll keep it to whoopie cushion levels.” I promised.

“That’s all I’m asking.” She sighed. “Twilight stopped by and told us that you were going to be gone for awhile when you first left, you know.”

“Sorry you two didn’t get personal notes, but I was pressed for time before I left.”

“It’s fine. How’ve you been the past two years? Or can you even talk about it, Mr. Operative?” Strawberry asked, blinking slowly, not expecting a real answer.

“Well, for starters, I was only gone for a month in my time.” I said drily.

“So that’s why you still feel like you’re the same age.” Strawberry said, raising her brows. “Huh.”

“Yup. Kinda broke time and space. Lemme tell you that stor-” I started.

Twilight teleported in next to me. “Amour? Is everything okay?”

Mary marched up to her. “Your stallion just pulled the meanest prank on Strawberry and spun her around like a top! I still have half a mind to contact the authorities!”

Twilight looked at her and turned to me. She whacked me in the chest rather hard before turning back to Mary. “I’m sure he didn’t mean any harm. You know how Max can be when he’s having one of those days, after all.”

While I was rubbing my chest, Mary put her hands on her hips. “Twilight, you’re a reasonable mare. Maybe you can explain to me why I shouldn’t be pressing charges on Strawberry’s behalf.”

Twilight turned to me and asked, “You didn’t tell her, did you?”

I shrugged. “I’m not exactly the kinda guy to go flaunting it like Blueballs would. I tried telling her that the rozzers wouldn’t do anything.”

Twilight hit me again, but softer this time. “At least you’re a humble butthead.” She turned to face the Mayor. “Look, Mary. I’m the highest authority around here, right?”

Mary looked disheartened. “You wouldn’t just let him off the hook because he’s your coltfriend, would you? Twilight…”

Twilight put a hand to her heart. “No Mary, that’s not what I’m saying, but I am saying that Max is my fiance now, just so you know.” Mary appeared to be surprised by this news. “My point is that while Max shouldn’t have done something so stupid, he doesn’t deserve to be punished over it. You remember when Pinkie accidentally flooded the town, right?”

“That was an accident, Twilight-” Mary started.

“But there was actual damage done then.” My fiance reasoned. “What did Max even do?” She asked Strawberry.

My unfortunate victim sat up a bit straighter. “Well, I was sitting at my desk working on some returns when this foreboding feeling came over me. Next, the room started getting darker and all this smoke started pouring in from the hall, but the worst part was when I could feel this… Thing, behind me. I know it was Max now, but when he put his hands on my arms, I thought Death itself was coming to take me, and when he started turning my head towards him, I thought I was going to see the end, but it turned out to be him. The bad feeling and the smoke went away and Max licked my cheek.”

Twilight gave me a baleful look. “Seriously?”

I scratched my head. “I thought it was some good shit as far as pranks go.”

Twilight just rolled her eyes and huffed. “Right. So was there something else?”

Strawberry glared at me. “Yeah! When Mary came to see what was going on-”

“Strawberry was hitting me with this brick of a book and swearing like Briar.” I explained.

The receptionist blushed. “Anyway, so Mary came to see what was going on and Max took the book from me and levitated me before spinning me around so he could give Mary a hug.”

Mary made a disapproving noise. “While Strawberry broke into another bout of swearing, Max went over to lick her face.”

“Strawberry choked me the entire time.” I chuckled.

“Hold up, I beg your pardon?” Twilight asked, the room falling dead silent.
‘

I patted her back. “Don't worry about it. Strawberry can’t strangle worth a damn anyway.”

Twilight glared at Strawberry. “Do it again and I’ll teleport you into the Everfree.” She said icily.

Strawberry looked at Mary’s desk. I glanced over at Mary herself. “See? It’s real easy to forget that you both retaliated. That’s the real reason I didn’t want the authorities involved: the truth of the matter is that you both did some assault yourselves.”

Twilight held up a hand. “So what else happened?”

I answered. “I spun Strawberry around for awhile until she started looking a bit green, then I spun her the other way so she wouldn’t actually be ill. Some time during that, I levitated Mary and stuck a bunch of Seals on Strawberry’s clothes to keep her in the air for awhile so I could go and talk to Mary in her office.”

“...Is that it?” Twilight asked.

“Yup.” I nodded.

“You’ve done so much worse.” She shook her head.

“That’s what I said!”

Mary looked between the two of us. “...Nothing else is going to happen to him.”

Twilight looked at her. “What do you want to happen, Mary? He didn’t cause any lasting harm, and all he did was scare and annoy Strawberry. It wasn’t malicious, nopony got hurt, and this wouldn’t even be considered Misdemeanor Prankery. I mean, even if you had a case here, Max is a Prince! He isn’t going to be arrested!”

Mary blinked. “Max is a Prince?”

Twilight tilted her head. “Didn’t you hear about the coronation? That was for Max.”

“Oh…”

Twilight sighed and teleported me back to my house, so I kicked off my boots and stretched out on my couch. During my nap, something poked me in the stomach, so I sat up and looked at my fiance, but she pushed me back down and napped along with me, which was nice. We woke up sometime around nightfall and Twilight made me start writing this out, but I think this is good enough. It’s not like much happened, so meh. Tomorrow I think I’ll ask Twilight if she wants to go see the Matron or something. After all, what’s two years to the eternal?

Author's Note

So I made a blog post that has Max’s Seal in it. If you want to see it, check it out. I could always hyperlink it here, but I already fucking did something about it, so make a couple of clicks if you’re not a lazy fuck. It most likely won’t even require scrolling.

As Always, Get Spun For Fun

Stay Cool, Kids

Chapter Forty-Six: Neverfree Of The Everfree
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Forty-Six: Neverfree Of The Everfree

Chapter Forty-Six: Neverfree Of The Everfree

The day after I was screwing with people in town, getting my visiting over, Twilight slept in a little bit. I say she slept in, but we tend towards rising with the Sun and setting just a few hours before it rises. As Alicorns, or rather, an Alicorn and a kinda Alicorn-Revenant-Thing, we don’t really need that much sleep. I can go a week and then some without it before I need a couple hours of some kind of rest and Twilight can go a few days no problem, but we both have to be exceptionally well fed for us to stay up for any period of time. In any case, that means that grabbing a few hours every night means we don’t have to eat as much during the day and that we can settle with being ravenous for a few hours. I was a little surprised that Twilight didn’t wake up with me, but it’s not like I was complaining or anything. I got to spend a little more time with her and I couldn’t make her cry or be disappointed or embarrass her in any way, so I liked spending time with Twilight when she was sleeping.

While I was brushing a lock of hair off of her face, her eyes fluttered open and she gave me a little smile. “Good morning, Amour.” She murmured.

“Good morning, Cherry. Did you have a good dream?” I asked.

“You were there, so you know the answer.” She sighed, closing her eyes.

I came a little closer and Twilight tilted her head so she wouldn’t jab me with her horn. “Have I ever told you that the real thing is going to be so much better? Sure, the dream is the third best thing, but it can’t compare to real D three-D.” I chuckled.

Twilight hummed. “What’s better than having our first time every time?”

“Cherry, every time feels like our first time, even when we’re not in the dream world.” I went silent for a moment. “Do you remember our actual first time, though?”

“It was the night of your bonfire. I was in estrus and you’d been doing some mild teasing all night that was driving me crazy, but you would only be with me as Roxy. We had to wait until Celestia and Luna in disguise went home and Fancy and Fleur went to bed.” Twilight shifted a bit so she could look me in the eyes. “You were so nervous about it not being good for me that you were shaking lightly, but I remember that it was like seeing the most beautiful mare nervous to come into my bed… That just made me feel so… Exhilarated, I guess. I felt important. To know that somepony so experienced as you could still get nervous before the act.”

“I want to kiss you right now, but coffee first. You just don’t know the way you make me feel, Twilight. Every kiss is as good as the last, and every time we touch, my heart skips a beat to the point where I’m pretty sure I’m dying and going to the afterlife. Of course I’d be nervous about performing for you, learning all the things about you, like your turn ons and turn offs. To me, you’re the most important person on this technicolor planet, so don’t be like me and start doing stupid things-”

Twilight jabbed me in the ribs. “How do you think I feel about you going off and doing stupid things?”

“Oi! I’m more immortal than you are! To our knowledge at least.” I added.

She rolled her eyes. “I don’t like seeing you get hurt and you threaten to end lives when somepony hurts me. What if I offered to do the same for you?”

“I’d end them before you could so you'd never have to get your hands dirty.” I answered absolutely.

“...I wasn’t expecting you to answer that so quickly.” Twilight said a bit blankly.

“It’s something I’ve put a lot of thought into. You only have a thirty minute window to kill the thing that got me before I come back as a Revenant and get it myself. If Celestia does what I asked her to, then you’ll never have to have any more blood on your hands, though I still don’t think that the Manticore in the Everfree that one time was your fault.”

She sighed. “Didn’t you tell me that you were going to kill it anyway?”

I clicked my tongue. “Damn straight, babycakes.”

Twilight sat up and magicked one of our lamps on. “You sure do know how to make a mare want to give you a favour in the morning, don’t you?”

I propped my head up on my elbow. “I was planning on waking you up with one, but if you don’t want it…” I trailed off.

Twilight held the covers up and threw a leg over me so she was sitting on my hips with her hands on my chest. There was a one tree forest nestled within a valley now and I was rather happy about that. “Why, Max, I think I feel something down there. You wouldn’t mind removing it, would you?”

“With you on top of me, it’s not going away any time soon.” I said blandly.

Twilight ground her hips against me and I put my hands over hers. “Why, I don’t believe I know what it is. Would you mind telling me why there’s something so stiff in your pants?”

“Oi, I wear sleeping trousers to bed!” I protested, chuckling.

Twilight rolled her eyes and leaned down a bit, her hair falling over her shoulder. “You know, for a furless ape, you’re pretty cute.”

“I’ve got to admit, for a furry alien, you’re awfully cute yourself. Wanna see if we taste as good as we look?” I offered.

She put her hands above my shoulders and used magic to make her hair not pool on my face. “I’ll tell you what: you put your hands wherever you want and I’ll put my hands wherever I want and we’ll see where we go from there.” Twilight said sultrily.

My first thought was to put one of them on her face and break the ‘No kisses before coffee’ rule. Twilight’s first thought was to firmly grasp it. My second though was to firmly grasp her, and then things kept going from there until I had the taste of wine in my mouth and a decent desire for a shower. We took one together since the morning was already starting off pretty well and it only got better when I suggested that we head into the Murder Forest for a picnic with our favourite ancient being besides our former teacher and my current one. Actually, we know a lot of old ladies, come to think about it, but then again, in Equestria, if you’re a male and you make it past a thousand years, something usually comes along to drive you insane or you get bored enough to become evil. Thankfully I have too many people looking out for me for that to happen, but you never know I suppose.

Evilness aside, Twilight helped me make breakfast by stirring up the eggs and staying out of the way when it came to the actual cooking. I asked her to butter some bread so I could toast it on a skillet and she tore the bread to pieces somehow, though I don't even get how you do that. We ate the bread anyway and I just had her pop a few slices into the toaster before I got the eggs cooking, which is probably what I should’ve had her do in the first place. At least, that’s what I thought up until she burned the fuck out of the toast like she usually did, which made no fucking sense because I’d had the toaster on a light setting in the first place and I hadn't even seen Twilight change anything! Seriously, her bad luck in the kitchen made no sense, but if she could muddle through it, then I suppose there is hope for anyone without talent in the kitchen.

Crimson came out of his room once he smelled breakfast and I told him that his plate was in the kitchen. He retrieved it and went into the sunroom to eat since he was growing fond of watching the Whitetail Woods while he ate. I couldn’t blame him since Twilight and I still smoked in there occasionally, but that wasn’t the goal for the day. We finished up with breakfast soon enough and I told Crimson that we were heading out to go talk to and old friend and he asked if I minded that he get started on the mission I’d given him a few days prior, namely the one about sorting out the bad part of town. I’d wanted him to do it sooner rather than later in the first place, so I obviously had no fucking problems with it at all.

Crimson fucked off shortly after breakfast and Twilight mentioned that she wasn’t really dressed for an excursion in a forest. I took in the skirt that went to mid-thigh and her blouse and blazer combo and told her that she’d be the best looking thing in said forest if she so chose, but she just rolled her eyes and told me that we were going to her house so she could put on some real trousers and I brought up what had happened the last time we’d visited Uror. She blushed and told me to shut up, stating that such things were not going to happen this time and I took her word for it, not really believing her. Still, we ended up in Twilight’s house and she got her trousers one way or another, so without anything else holding us back, Twilight teleported us to Uror’s glade and we had a look around.

The Yggdrasil was still there and there were plenty of furry creatures running about, doing as they pleased. It was actually quite the pleasant day out, and from what I could tell, everything was enjoying it in its own way. Something touched me from behind and I saw that it was one of the tasty Goat-things that I liked, so I rubbed it’s head, though I was a little sad that I didn’t have anything to feed it. However, it’s not there wasn’t tall grass everywhere for it to mow anyway. Twilight just sighed happily and took in the open space with a gentle smile on her face and I could feel one of my own forming until I realized that something wasn’t quite right. Something in my heart told me Uror wasn’t here, so I knelt down next to the Goat-thing.

“Oi, Goat-Mate, do you know where Uror is?” I asked.

It bleated at me and started nudging me in a general direction, so I called for Twilight to follow it and myself, but when I looked at her, she was laying down in the grass, sound asleep. I rushed over and tried to rouse her, but she wasn’t waking anytime soon, so I cursed and followed my guide across the field. For a Kendani, it sure seemed like it knew what the fuck it was doing, so I followed it to the edge of the glade until it turned around and bleated at me again. Shit didn’t mean anything. Fucking Goats.

“Nashoba!” I called out into the air. “Brilliance! Sunny! Shit, I’ll even take Bella at this point.” I muttered.

I waited around for a few minutes, hoping for someone to show up, but nothing came to explain what the fuck was going on. I didn’t feel Nashoba’s presence anywhere nearby, nor did any of the animals have any answers for me beyond chippers and various other animal sounds, so I did what came naturally to me and carried Twilight around to the shady bit of Uror’s tree before Shadow Diving into Nashoba’s space. I hoped for a second that I’d find her and Uror at some kind of spa in the middle of the forest, but it was a stupid hope and I was well aware of that.

I surfaced in Nashoba’s shadow, but much to my displeasure, it was constantly fucking moving faster than I could rise out of it, so I was stuck in the Shadow Realm with no way to exit, so I switched targets to Uror since I still had reversed momentum going on and when I rose out of her shadow, I had to dodge a fucking lightning bolt that seemed to draw in light rather than be made of it. Shit was seriously cool, but I figured that whatever was throwing was probably seriously evil, so I snapped my fingers and went straight into Primal Mode, loading my limbs with Dark Magic so that I could move faster. It had the added benefit of making me leak Mist, making me a little harder to hit if I stood still, but it also made my movements easier to track unless I constantly dissipate it.

On the move, I started piecing together my surroundings and foud that I was actually in familiar territory near the Old Caste and that I had a few friends in the fight along with me. While I was making a circuit around the souce of the black lightning, Nashboa joined me, but before we could say anything, she dashed ahead and I did a dodge roll to avoid getting tagged by another bolt of lightning. Shit was already irritating me, and in Primal Mode, irritation quickly leads to anger and anger leads to much, much worse things. My rational mind briefly wondered how such a wonderful day had gone to shit so quickly, but then my instinctual Primal side told me to fucking sprint toward the target and tear it to pieces like it was trying to do to me. Thankfully Primal Mode doesn’t make me a complete fool, but I was leaning toward fucking kill it anyway.

I started closing my circuit so I could get a good look at the being that we were dealing with, but it was still a little too far away, so I cut a shallow cross in its general direction, rolling out of the way of a ball of Dark Fire when it came to me. If it weren’t for the Dark Magic in my legs, I would’ve been hit and most likely eaten alive by the flames, and I straight up don’t know if I come back from having my bones burnt. Maybe I rise from the ashes, maybe I die forever. Either way, I didn’t want to find out, so I kept my wits about me and made my kept moving. It might be a strange time to mention it, but a stick had stabbed me in the shoulder while I was rolling and that was a fucking nuisance, so I pulled it out and loaded the thing with Dark Magic, sending it in the general direction of the thing that kept trying to kill me.

A minute later, after dodging a few more lightning strike and another ball of fire, I saw what I was dealing with in the first place. Noir had warned me that I’d probably run into one since the Everfree was a dark place at times, but I’d never actually expected to see a Lich so close to my territory. The skeletal remains were pretty unsettling, or at least, they are in memory. In Primal Mode, the rotting carcass of the Lich barely made me think twice about grabbing a milkshake with Twilight after I killed the damned thing, and once I closed in a little bit, I saw that it could’ve been in better shape. Uror was going toe to toe with it, throwing bolts of her own green and purplish magic at it while dodging or block it’s attacks with trees that burst from the ground only to be burned to a crisp by black flame. I decided to see if it would like a taste of it’s own medicine and threw a Dark Fireball at it of my own, though mine was far smaller that its were. Don’t think for a moment that size meant a damn thing when it came to power: Mine was most likely stronger since it was more concentrated and it had an Noir's weight behind it on top of me being an Alicorn myself. God that’s weird… I have an Alicorn within me and I’m like, kinda sorta an Alicorn. Shit’s just weird. Whatever, back to the super cool fight, yeah?

The Pony Lich took my strike to the back of the head, distracting it long enough for Uror to send a bolt each of pure green and pure purple magic that exploded on impact, making vines grow from where they landed. The vines, however, withered and died once they got so far, but I had a feeling that the purple bolt had been more than just a casual vine-thing. It seemed to be a different kind of magic to me, so when the Lich let out a deadly hiss that made my ears hurt, I wasn’t all that surprised when a fucking Fig Tree sprouted from its chest. I was a little upset when that tree only grew a couple meters and fell to ash, but Nashoba took the opportunity to come in and rip the damn thing’s head off in one fell swoop. The body made some strange hand gestures and Nashoba dug her paws into the dirt, playing magical tug of war with the Evil Dead.

I wasn’t about to let it hurt my Goddamn pupper, so I let loose a barbaric yawp that would have made Noir proud and activated my two mental powers at the same time. It gave me a bit of a nose bleed, but it was worth it to have every bit of detritus whirl around the Lich and start ripping chunks out of its flesh while I pounded away at it with my psychic tentacle. Hacking, slicing and slashing, I chopped the thing to pieces and wrapped it all up, grinding it together with dirt, stones, all the little nastiness of the forest. The Telekinesis worked one way while I turned my Psychokinesis into a spiked tentacle with dozens of spines consisting of various shapes and sizes and worked it the other way. With a little more effort, I made it so that Uror’s magic could pass through and Nashoba howled the Lich’s skull to pieces and eventually into powder from the strength of her voice. Separating my focus, I took the powder from Nashoba mouth and threw a gout of Dark Flames at it, blazing on while I ground the other bones into dust.

Uror’s trees sprouted and grew in midair, jutting out from every direction with their roots intermingling until they formed a ball so tight that I couldn’t keep the Psychokinesis going. I’m pretty sure Uror’s stronger than I am, so it was no surprise to find that her magic could outweigh mine, and when I let up with my Psychokinesis, I had the mental space left to form a Seal and load it with ‘Seal’, the irony of which was lost on me in the moment. I threw it at the ball of arboreal bullshit and conjured up a few more to go along with it. Once I had the thing well and truly stuck with my symbols, I looked back to the target I’d been burning the entire time and stopped the gout of flame. I’d burned the bones into cinders and dust, blackened and glossy. I swear I’d actually formed a gem or something with the heat of the flames and pressure from the telekinesis, so I let the mass fall onto the now bare Earth and it started burning the dirt, wisps of smoke pouring from where it lie. I found that amusing.

The ball of trees fell and hit the floor with a rather heavy ‘thud’, and when it sank into the earth, I thought it was just fucking heavy or something until it kept going. The topmost tree was barely sticking out of the ground at this point, and when the final leaf was about to be swallowed, Uror snapped her fingers and another tree sprouted from the mass that had gone underground as if it had been a huge seed of some kind. The new tree grew rapidly, but not instantaneously like the others had, taking its time to rise from the ground. Dryads, normal and Dark, along with all sorts of creatures from the Everfree came from the woodwork to see the new Yggdrasil rise from the Lich’s remains, and once it was as tall as I was, Nashoba and I walked over to Uror to watch it keep growing.

“Thank you both for your assistance this morning. You, Nashoba, did not have much of a choice, but you, Maximus, did not have to stay and risk your life.” Uror said pleasantly.

“It wasn’t a problem.” Nashoba yawned. She laid down and said, “That undead piece of filth tasted terrible, however.”

I shrugged. “I was wondering why you weren’t in your glade. I guess I just happen to visit at good times, yeah?”

Nashoba and Uror looked at me. “...You came by chance?” Uror asked.

“Completely by chance.” I said airily.

Nashoba stood up and whacked the back of my knees with her tail, making me pratfall. “Oi! Fucking mutt, I still helped!”

She snorted. “This is your territory. You should have taken it out by yourself.”

Uror made a disapproving noise. “I doubt he could have. If you did not have its head and I did not have its attention, Maximus could not have gotten close enough to fight it.”

I got to my feet and let my Dark Magic return to my navel. “Fuck both of you. I’m a fucking badass.” I huffed in a manly manner.

“You’re a pup with good powers. I would like to see you battle a Lich on your own as Uror had to.” Nashoba said derisively.

“Oi! Who ground the thing into a fine powder? Who burnt its skull until it became a weird looking gross black mass? Who bought both of you the time to finish it off?” I crossed my arms.

Nashoba gave me some side eye. Well, she’s a Wolf, so she’s usually looking at me with one eye, but still. “I’m messing with you. Is your self esteem that weak?”

I sniffed. “No, you just hurt my feelings.”

She rolled her eyes and Uror put a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t worry, Maximus. Your assistance is highly valued.”

I tilted my head toward her. “Thank you, Figgy.”

The Matron hit my back, bowling me over forwards. “Oi! You fucking twat!”

“Do not call me ‘Figgy’.” She said kindly.

I picked myself up again and brushed myself off. “You could’ve just asked.” I muttered.

“Why ask when I can abuse? Nashoba is right, hitting you is fun, especially when it does not hurt you.” She gave me a disarming smile.

I flipped her off. “Shove it, Figgy.”

She rolled her eyes and held my hand with both of hers. “You are such a treat when you come around. What say we return to my meadow and talk more there? The Yggdrasil should be ready for travel within a few more minutes.”

I nodded and held one of her hands firmly. “Sure thing, Uror. We have some catching up to do, yeah?”

Nashoba put her paw on our hands. “I’m tagging along.”

“I assumed that you were.” Uror said.

“Same here. I mean, we did just kill something evil as fuck together. It would suck if the three of us didn’t spend some non-combat time together.” I replied.

Her eyes flicked and she removed her paw. “You two travel by tree like weirdos, I’ll be hunting for a little bit. There are plenty of things around to eat right now.”

Uror raised a brow and Nashoba met her gaze readily. “It’s Max’s territory, not yours, Matron.”

Uror nodded. “I am aware, but do you not you need his permission to hunt here?”

I shrugged and withdrew my hands from hers. “I’m not going to tell her she shouldn’t. Hell, I’d be surprised if my scent markers were still here anyway.”

“They’re not. They’ve long since gone, but every creature knows where you mark your territory by the gashes in wood and where your scent once was. Nothing is willing to upset you, just in case you come back, though you do have a few passers by.” Nashoba informed.

I tilted my head. “Does that mean prey doesn’t come around anymore?”

“No, only predators are wary of your marks. Prey roam freely since they usually do not mark territory outside of mating season.”

Uror nodded. “Of course. Fierce predators keep what they claim, after all, and it does not hurt that Nashoba marks your territory for you anyway. Some have argued that she claims too much, but at the Gatherings, none have been willing to try her in combat to dispute her claims.”

Huh. “I suppose I’ll have to show my face at one of these Gatherings and accept a challenger or two to keep my territory.” I turned to Nashoba. “You’re welcome to hunt here whenever. You know that all I have, I’d share with you.”

Uror clasped her hands to her chest. “How touching! If you two were the same species, I would hope that you would form a mating pair or at least be members of the same pack.”

I rubbed my pupper’s ears. “In another life, I’d be dicking her down real good-”

Nashoba nipped me. “Silence, you fool. You would give me the most insolent pups and I would eat them to keep myself from going insane.”

I rubbed my hip. “Sure they’d be mouthy, but they’d know when to shut up!”

“They would yip all day for milk and then tell me that they wanted to try some from a Cow.” Nashoba huffed.

“Hey, Cow milk is good.” I objected.

Uror gave me a funny look. “You drink Cow milk?”

“Well, their tits are bigger than anyone else’s.” I said glibly.

Nashoba licked her chops. “They are tasty. I like Cows, but their milk is rather bland.”

“I know, that’s why it’s less shitty than anyone else’s. I’d try yours if you let me milk you.” I jested.

Nashoba turned a baleful eye to me. “Try it. I dare you.”

I smiled. “Lemme suck a teat to see if you’re producing first.”

Nashoba huffed and Uror coughed. “I can produce milk on command.”

I looked at her funny. “Really?”

“They do not call me the Matron because it just sounds nice.” Uror said, checking her nails.

I just looked at her in silence for a little bit before shaking my head. “Okay.”

“Would you like to try my milk?” She asked flirtatiously.

I licked my lips because they seemed awfully dry all of a sudden. “Let me run that by my fiance and I’ll get right back to you.”

“I sense that my magic has her sleeping in my dell. We shall return and wake her, no?”

I nodded. "That would be the quickest way to get an answer from her, yes.”

Uror gave me a brilliant smile. “Then let us travel!”

She walked toward the Yggdrasil and sat down in front of it, so I sat next to her. Uror laid her head on my shoulder while Nashoba dashed off to go hunt, or at least, I assumed that’s what she was doing, and I just enjoyed the feeling of having someone pretty lean on me for a little bit. I liked having Twilight around more than I liked having Uror around, but the Matron was a good second when it came to cuddle buddies. Noir would usually come in second, but she was my number one when it came to cuddling with people taller than me. The Matron and I were around the same height, so she fell under the ‘little spoon’ category while Noir was definitely ‘big spoon’ levels along with Celestia. Of course I would tell Twilight if anything more than a little head-on-shoulder action happened, but that was the extent of it for the ten or so odd minutes that we sat while Nashoba was off murderin’ shit like Jack the Ripper in Wolf form.

When Nashoba came back, the Matron pulled me to my feet and the three of us went inside the still growing Yggdrasil like it was nothing. Uror started walking around the tree, occasionally kicking a stray leaf into place and hopping in the odd spot, making her mammaries jiggle in the most delectable way. They seemed to grow, and when she put her hands on them, I looked at her face to see that she was giving me an alluring smile. I raised a brow at her and held my hands up.

“If Twilight allows it, then we can have some fun. We made a promise to do anything of that sort with you together, however.” I said quietly.

Uror came over and walked her fingers up my chest. “Our little Plum will say yes, I assure you, as long as I give her a turn.”

I waited for her fingers to reach my lips and licked them because why not. “I don’t know that for sure. I’m not going to do anything without Twilight’s express permission, Uror. You’ve been in my head. You know that.”

She caressed my cheek and pressed her forehead against mine. “Twilight Sparkle does not have to know.”

“I would tell her anyway.” I said, steel creeping into my voice.

Uror grinned and kissed my cheek. “That. That is resolve. Many men lack resolve when it comes to pleasures of the flesh, Maximus, and that is why I offer myself to you, even if you are not in my preferred form. Your resolve sets you apart from the common rabble.” I’d say it’s more respect for Twilight than resolve, but whatever.

I grabbed her chin gently and licked her nose, making her scrunch her face up. “I’d say the power behind my dick does that, but who am I to laud myself?”

Uror wiped her nose off and gave me a dirty look. “Males.”

“Oi! Females are crazy; males are goofy.” I objected.

“I’d rather deal with insanity than stupidity.” She huffed playfully.

I rolled my eyes. “Oh, if you knew some of the friends Twilight and I had, you wouldn’t have a choice between the two. They come together in a lot of them, you know.”

“Are they male or female?” Uror asked.

“Female.” Nashoba answered. “Max is correct; most of them are fools.”

Uror and I looked at her. “...Kinda forgot you were here.” I said.

“You tend to when the prospect of mating comes around.” Nashoba licked her chops.

“Sorry about that, pupper.”

“Think nothing of it. I would be eager to mate too if most of my kind weren’t fools. That, and the Matron looks a lot like you. It is understandable that you would give her plenty of attention.” Nashoba said kindly, for once.

Uror looked at me and I kept my eyes on Nashoba. “I am the only being on this planet that truly looks Human to you, am I not?” She asked.

I closed my eyes and sighed. “Can you do the mind link thing real quick? It’ll be easier to show you than to explain.” I offered her my hand.

She took it and pressed her forehead against mine. When I started thinking hard about my trip back to Earth, she gasped and let go of me. “Y-You returned?”

I nodded. “God forced me to go back and see my brother. I’m sure some other things happened because of his guiding crook, but that’s the gist of it.”

Uror placed a hand on my chest. “To see our people once again and to have to choose… It could not have been easy.”

“Shit, it was easy. Earth will revolve without me, but my world stopped turning when I left Twilight. When I was on Earth, I did some evil shit for a good reason, but I’m sure that I wouldn’t have if I was in my right mind with Twilight by my side.” I said solemnly.

Uror gave me a sad smile. “We all commit evil deeds for the sake of the greater good sometimes, Maximus. I do not because I tend to destroy the absolute evil and leave the 'kind of evil' to do whatever it pleases within reason, but that is because I’m a being of nature. It’s what I do. Humans have always been wicked creatures that do wicked things, Maximus, but at least you recognize that you did evil for a good purpose. That does, however, beg the question of what you did.”

I took a deep breath. “...I used Dark Magic to force people into being kinder to each other. I also used it to clear addictions and hatred, but the main thing was instilling kindness.”

Uror stopped smiling, her face going placid. “You did what?”

I pursed my lips. “I know.”

She gripped my arms. “Maximus, tell me that you jest.” Her eyes searched mine for an answer. She found it. “I… I cannot even say that I am angry, just… Shocked, I suppose. You did not seem like another Celestia to me.”

I looked at her. “Fig, I’m worse than Celestia. She influences people with words and laws. I commanded with magic.”

Uror looked at me sadly, a beautiful frown forming on her face. “You regret your decision, but at the same time, you find it hard to say it was the wrong one.”

“Exactly.”

Nashoba yawned. “I don’t pretend to understand morality. Can we leave now?”

We looked at her and she laid down. “What?”

We went back to ignoring her. “Maximus…”

“I’d apologize, but that battle still wages on in my heart. I can’t really say I’m sorry for making our world a nicer place for everyone, but I recognize that it was wrong for me to force it into being a better one.” I said.

“...You upset the balance and made a new one. You changed the laws of nature. You are too powerful for your own good.” Uror said firmly.

“...When you start talking like that, it sounds like you’re going to kill me.” I said, a little scared.

“You changed Midgard in ways that no god ever dared to.” Uror said, her eyes unreadable. “What is your defense?”

“Temporary insanity brought on by the powers that allowed me to change the world in the first place. Knowing that there was a better way for the world to be. Hatred for the way mankind kills itself and never learns from its mistakes. There are a few more, but those are the important ones.”

Uror let me go. “You… You do not even realize that you are practically one of my kind, do you?”

“I really try not to let my head get that big. I’m Human and immortal with a few powers, and that’s it.” I said adamantly.

“Maximus, there are Demi-gods with less power than you.”

I covered my ears and ran around the inside of the tree. “Totally ignoring you! Not listening!”

Uror stood in front of me when I was coming back around to her and stopped me by making some roots grow and trip me up. When she knelt in front of me, I had a lovely look at the goods, despite not really trying to let my attention stay there. She probably knew where I was looking, so I dragged my eyes away from the sweet sight of non-furry tang and up to her eyes. Uror was smiling again, but she just seemed amused by my antics rather than sad this time around.

“Your humbleness is astounding, and your childishness is endearing.” She said kindly.

I spat a leaf out of my mouth. “I’m a narcissist and I’m super mature.”

“Being contrary for the sake of it makes you cute.”

“Handsome.”

“That you are not.” She said, her face going flat.

“Oi!”

The smile returned. “Gotcha.”

I flipped her off and she let her roots do whatever they were doing before, so I got up. “You’re fucking evil, you know that?”

Uror rose and started stretching, her leaves rustling in an unfelt breeze. “I am nature incarnate: I cannot be evil.”

Nashoba barked. “Can we leave!? I’m tired of your incessant flirting and yapping and talking in general!”

I scratched my head and Uror tsked. “If you wanted to go, you could have just walked outside. We are in my glade.”

Nashoba got up growling and grumbling, more grumpy than I’d heard her in a little while. I looked at her as she passed through the gap that widened in the Yggdrasil. “She needs to get laid.”

Uror crossed her arms and nodded. “Severely. You do it.”

I gave her a look. “Not happening. You do it.”

Uror rolled her eyes. “I look forward to your fight with the Wight within your territory.”

I looked at her. “You know that word literally means living being, right? Unless you mean something akin to a Draugr or something like that.”

She shrugged. “Both words describe the unholy thing at the Castle. I suggest you take care of it sooner rather than later, however.”

I sighed. “I guess I will, but I was rather hoping that the Lich was the thing I was warned about. Where the Hell did that thing come from, anyway?”

“It was born from a Pony that died to Kobolds.” Uror said quietly. “I eradicated those Kobolds, but they performed a sacrament that they should have had no idea how to perform. I suppose Discord thinks that even I require unnecessary reminders that he is powerful.”

“Wait, how did the Pony die to the Kobolds? It wasn’t-”

“Some things don’t need to be spoken of, Maximus. Just know that it was a death that gave way to much hatred in the heart of one that had once been pure and full of love.” Uror sighed. “As much as I dislike Ponies, they are generally rather pure creatures due to Celestia’s nonsense, and I do not believe I have ever known one to deserve such a death. I know few creatures that actually do deserve such a fate, but none from this world besides Discord himself.”

I nodded. “Just another reason for me to rob him of whatever I can. I’ll do my best to kill him, Uror, but barring that, I’ll take what I can from him and leave him wishing her were dead.”

Uror gave me an odd look, but the smile returned to her face, small though it was. “I hope you defeat him, Maximus. Things are not looking good for Equus at the moment.”

I sighed. “Shit, do I ever know that. Things are so bad, I’m a fucking Prince now.”

She beamed and gave me a hug. “Truly? Congratulations on your suffering!”

I patted her back and sighed. “You’re a sadist, aren’t you?”

The Matron gave me a kiss on the cheek and lead me out of the tree by my hand. “Only to those who can take a little punishment. Come now, we shall rouse Twilight and you shall suckle from my breast!”

Yes, she actually said that. It sounded fucking weird to me too.

I followed her because I didn’t have much of a fucking choice, and when we saw Twilight napping happily with various woodland creatures curled up next to her, my heart melted a little and I felt the strong desire to get down there with her and take a nap for myself. The Matron stopped that from happening by waving her hand and releasing Twilight from the sleeping magic or whatever and my fiance got up slowly but surely. She sat up and stretched, placing her hands on the animals on either side of her and stroking their fur for a moment with a smile on her face, and when she looked up to see Uror and I smiling right back at her, Twilight’s grin grew and she rose to her feet to give us both a hug.

“Uror! Amour! I had the most wonderful dream!” Twilight sighed happily.

“Really? What was it about, Cherry?” I asked. Uror giggled and I gave her some side eye.

My finace kissed my cheek a couple times, but when she started trailing down, I suddenly understood why Uror had been sure that we were going to be having sex today. “Oi, Cherry, why don’t we wait on that for a mo’ and see if our gracious host minds?”

Twilight blushed and kissed my lips. “I’m telling you, it was just that good of a dream.”

The Matron came up behind her and wrapped her arms around my fiance. “You know, my sweet little Plum, your lover is quite devoted to you.” She murmured into Twilight’s ear.

“I know. I’m lucky to have him.” Twilight replied in the same tone, smiling at me.

Uror nibbled on her ear. “I offered a lot to Maximus and he refused in favor of garnering your permission.”

Twilight bit her lip. “What did you offer him?”

“Pleasure. Passion. Possibilities. All of them involving myself.” The Matron held Twilight a bit more tightly.

“...And he wanted to wait for me?” Twilight breathed.

“He wanted to wait for you. Perhaps we could reward him for showing such loyalty?”

I killed the smile on my face to the best of my abilities, but there was only so much I could do. “I like being rewarded for not doing things. It’s nice.”

Twilight pulled Uror’s hands away from her and turned around. She gave the primordial being a kiss of the lips and the Matron returned it readily, controlling the pace as though she often kissed Twilight behind my back. Well, this time it was directly in front of me, but I was a little jealous since I’d gotten pecks on the cheek and precious little else, but it was still a treat to see the two most beautiful beings on Equus go at it for a minute or two. However, Uror pulled away and gave Twilight a playful look around the time I think tongue was being introduced.

“Come now, Plum. You would deny Maximus a kiss of his own?” The Matron asked.

Twilight tilted her head. “From who?”

“Either of us. He would not allow me to kiss him either.” Uror looked at me and beckoned me closer with a finger, so I came over and she gave me a grape and fig flavoured peck. “That is all.”

I gave her a look and she beamed. “Any more from me and your senses would explode.”

Twilight held my hand and I scoffed at her. “Try me, Figgy Pudding.”

She grabbed Twilight’s other hand and took mine. “If you become comatose, do not blame me.”

I smiled a bit and leaned in, meeting her in the middle with our lips as the common ground. I was careful to split my attention between our kiss and Twilight’s heart, finding that Twilight’s heart kept me grounded even as it rapidly grew louder through no fault of her own. Uror set my mind on high alert, and as we kissed, I felt my senses expand beyond the clearing as though I was meditating, but instead of focusing inwards, the focus was quickly growing to encompass the surrounding forest. Twilight heartbeat thrummed in my ears, but Uror’s lips held me down firmly, and as I felt Twilight’s heartbeat begin to subside, I pulled away from my kiss with Uror, and kept my eyes closed for a moment, knowing that I would be in for one hell of a trip when I opened them.

“Amour?” Twilight asked softly, though her voice was still deafening.

“Give him a moment.” Uror said just loud enough for Twilight to hear. She may as well have roared.

I slowly opened my eyes, but I wasn’t seeing through my eyes. I was seeing from a bird’s eye perspective, looking down on the three of us standing in a triangle. “Dear Lord.” I murmured. “Let’s tessellate.”

Twilight’s head was turned toward me and I felt her squeeze my hand. “Max, what does that mean?”

“I don’t know.” I replied.

“You did not slip into a coma. Good job!” Uror said happily, my senses calming down.

“Coma Chameleon.” I said softly.

Twilight’s heart picked up. “Is he okay?”

“He is going slightly insane. Leave him be for a moment until he comes down from his high and allow us to pick up where we left off, yes?” Uror leaned in with intents to kiss Twilight.

The purple Princess leaned away. “Let’s wait until he’s back-”

“No matter where you go, there you are. I am here, thus I am everywhere.” I muttered.

“...That makes no sense.” Twilight said.

“He is drawing conclusions. He will return soon enough.” Uror sighed.

“I am already here. I never left, even when I was gone.” I told them, my bird’s eye circling closer and closer to my head.

“Any moment now.” Uror said patiently.

There were a few moments of silence and the bird slammed into my head, jerking it forward. “Holy shit! That was fucking weird!” I chuckled.

“This is why I do not kiss you for more than a second.” Uror smiled.

Twilight looked at me, but before she could ask me anything, I leaned in and kissed her briefly. “It’s hard to describe, so I won’t bother right now. When we start doing journals, I’ll cover it, okay Cherry?”

She nodded and Uror came in for another kiss, so Twilight let the current even go and went back to kissing the Matron like nothing had happened and I got a little giddy. I was pretty sure that I knew what I was going to have to do while I was meditating in the Everfree now and that was going to be a spectacular revelation. I might have to spend some time kissing the Matron to see whether or not I was taking the right path, but if insanity allowed me to see things like that without meditating, then I was going to be in for one Hell of a treat since I’d only managed to leave my body once during meditation, and that shit had been awfully difficult. I didn’t know how I could bring myself back in case I was in any danger, but I knew that I could get shit done like that.

In any case, Twilight, Uror, and I ended up doing a few more things that didn’t involve kissing. I learned the Uror’s breasts tasted like normal human breasts tended to, but her milk was actually kinda tasty. Like, I’d have a bowl of cereal with it if it was colder, but that’s a weird thought coming from a weird day. Twilight tried some too and thought that it tasted a bit funny, but I actually liked the flavour quite a bit. Uror was happy to let me go for as long as I wanted since I made it fun for her too, but Twilight got jealous and asked why I didn’t give her breasts the same amount of attention. I offered to do so, but Twilight didn’t make any wine flavoured milk for me, so it was a little less fun than sucking on Uror. It was still fun since I got to have a tit in my mouth and Twilight made nicer noises than the Matron, but maybe that was because I wasn’t alone in working on Twilight.

Uror was as tasty as she had been the last time I’d seen her and Twilight was as tasty as she always is, but when they changed me into a girl, I was a little miffed that I wasn’t going to be able to stick my favourite appendage into someone pretty. Uror told me that it would have to wait until I came to visit her alone and Twilight told me that the only way I was ever going to be allowed to visit the Matron alone is if I came on platonic business. I gave Twilight permission to do what she wanted with Uror as long as she promised not to be stolen away from me but Twilight still maintained that I wasn’t going to be allowed to give the Matron some D. I asked her why I couldn’t, though it wasn’t as if I was upset by the news. Twilight just said that the only woman I was allowed to have actual sex with would be her on our wedding day, but after that, I could dip my dick into Uror as many times as I could tolerate. I told Twilight that I’d give her the best sex of her life and she started muttering darkly about how ‘it better bucking be’ seeing as how I’d made her wait years for it.

Since we were basking in the afterglow, Uror asked about what exactly Twilight was talking about, so I told her that my trip to Earth had made two years pass on Equus. Uror made a weird noise and said that she hadn't even noticed that it’d been two years since we last visited, but that the sex was equally as good anyways. She usually didn’t bother with sex and probably hadn't since she’d met this one black Alicorn with a starry mane and I asked if that Alicorn's name had been Noir. Uror was shocked to find that I knew her, so I told her about Noir’s current situation and how she’d gotten into it. She was saddened to hear that one of her favourite lovers had been reduced to being trapped in my soul, but she didn’t know of a way to get her out, so that totally sucked. We were silent for awhile after that until Twilight and I did a few favours for the Matron to lift her spirits. After all, nothing beats good sex, even if one of the people working on you is average looking at best and the other is a different species entirely.

We spent a couple of hours with Twilight and the Matron laying on me, Uror and I laying on Twilight, and then Twilight and I laying on the Matron. It was just nice like that. I liked having Uror as our third in the little Menage a Trois since she wasn’t one to try and steal either myself or Twilight away, but knowing that she was older than Celestia and Luna combined was a little strange if I thought about it too much. I was basically nailing something that was older than intelligent life or, at least, she was older than most forms of intelligent life on Equestria as far as we knew. I don’t know if there were different races before Alicorns and Dragons, or what societies there were before them, but still. It was an odd thought all the same.

The Sun was starting to dip in the sky when Twilight suggested that we go home. I wasn’t against the idea, so I had her change me back into a guy and we got redressed before giving hugs and love to Uror. The Matron told us to return a bit sooner this time around and I told her that I was supposed to be meditating in the Everfree soon. She asked why the fuck I would do that in kinder terms, so I told her that I was trying to tap into new magic that I couldn’t figure out how to utilize and she told me that she would happily kiss me any time I wanted her to, though Twilight was a little jealous and told me that she would kiss me whenever I wanted too. I grinned and asked her to remember that the next time I had her absolutely knackered with my brilliance and she hit me for that. Uror told her to stop abusing me rather hypocritically and Twilight blushed up a storm, defending herself by saying that I would twist her words if she reprimanded me verbally. Uror gave her a hug and threatened to stick a finger in her butt if she kept abusing me and Twilight asked why everyone was threatening to finger her butt these days. She amended herself and asked why the people who had sex with her threatened to finger her butt and Uror and I told her that it was because we knew she didn’t like it.

Twilight sighed and said goodbye before teleporting us back home, so I starting putting together the stuff I was going to take into the Everfree with me until Twilight asked me what I was doing. She’d followed me around for a little while for the sake of coming along with me, and when I grabbed one of bits of meat from my shed, she asked why I had cheesecloth hanging around for no real reason. I opened it up and showed her the cured meat within and she asked why I’d salted it in the first place, so I explained the process of curing and why people did it to her, though she wanted to know why people didn’t just dry it out if they were going to try and save it. Curing is basically drying something without heat, so when I got into the nitty gritty bits about microbials, Twilight was actually pretty interested. I filled a few bottles full of water and she asked to try some of my cured meat since I’d gotted it prepared and she was actually a little fond of it, but I told her that she should be careful just in case she got addicted to the sheer salt content in the slices of meat I gave her.

I took Twilight out for an early dinner over at a Zhongguo restaurant that had come to town recently and I ordered a delicious vegetable lo mein that made my dick tingle in all the right ways. Twilight ordered some tofu bullshit that I wasn’t going to try, and when we finished up, we went to go visit Blue in her shop to find that it was already closed for the day. We switched to go and find her at her house, but she was having sex, so I wasn’t about to interrupt that. Fucking Christ, I wish my hearing wasn’t so sensitive sometimes. Have you ever heard your mother get railed like tomorrow isn’t coming? Because it’s scarring every time and I don’t even like to think about it. What kind of sick fuck would, after all?

That being said, Twilight and I went back to her house and started filling out our journals for the day and that was a relaxing activity as always. It was nice to have her with me when I was writing about shit, and I’m sure Twilight feels the same way, which is why we do it in the first place. I was tempted to put on a movie when I finished up with my stuff, but the better thing was obvious, so I started playing some dope video games and shit. Twilight was fucking staggered when I showed her Dark Souls 3 in person, and I did my best to show her that I wasn’t some bitch ass parry-junkie with a PvE boner. Nah, I was a roll-hard real man and I taught Twilight how to play over the course of a few hours. She keeps dying to hollows in the first level and it's been fucking hilarious since she’s starting to get frustrated. She keeps hitting me when I giggle at her rage, but until she hits me with the controller, I think we’ll be good.

Okay, she stopped playing, and I think it’s time to stop writing. I’ll pick up some time in the next few, so this is Max, signing off.
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The rest of that night had been spent giving Twilight a tummy rub while fondling her ears and I always found that to be a worthwhile endeavor. Twilight’s such a treat when I can get her nice and relaxed, and when I finish with tummy rubs, she usually gives me a favour to thank me for being kind in turn. It’s rather give and take, but that’s how things are supposed to work. I give Twilight love and she takes my bullshit. Twilight gives me patience and I take her however I can without actually ravishing her. One of those is an actual example, but you know how I work, oh dearest journal. Man, I’ve put a lot of words in this son of a bitch over the last year and change, but that’s just how I like to compile my life I guess. Things just work out like that.

That being said, Crimson returned in the morning of the next day to tell me that he was in the process of quelling any potential misbehaved citizens in the bad quarters, so I offered to bake him some cookies. He gave me a look and the finger until I told him that I would actually make cookies if he wanted one since Pinkie had given me a good recipe for one that involved budder and walnuts. I had to make the budder, but Briar had expanded the fuck out of my greenhouse while I’d been away and Twilight had found a way to tell the different species and types from each other, so I made some sativa/indica hybrid budder and got to making the budder. It’s a process that I’ve show exactly three people how to do, so I’m not going to write it here since I’ll fucking show you if I really want you to know, but if you’re not one of the people who I’ve shown and you’re reading this, you fucking better be Celestia or Uror because otherwise I’m going to rape you with the Warbling Blade and Nacht simultaneously. Oh, and if you think you’ll die from that, you’re sadly fucking mistaken. I’ll pump your arse so full of Dark Magic that you will heal from it and go fucking insane, so you better find me before I find you and apologize your arse off. Hell, I might just give you a quick death instead of the slowish one I have planned.

Anyways, I got the cookies made and Crimson was rather fond of them until he landed himself on the couch and couldn’t move. I put on Brokeback Mountain for him since I figured I was allowed to be a prick like that and watched it with him. Crimson hated the movie, so I turned on Nightmare On Elm Street and he liked that one a lot more. Crimson seemed to have the same taste in movies as I did, so the Texas Chainsaw Massacre was next and I turned out to be wrong, but Twilight came over halfway through it, and I turned the day into a Marvel Movie Marathon. Twilight cuddled up next to me on the couch and said that these movies were generally pretty good, but Crimson was on the edge of his seat every time and I’m pretty sure Black Widow turned him straight because he said that he would give anything for a night with her. Then again, he said the same thing about the fellow who played Captain America, but you know. Bisexual and all that.

Nothing all that interesting happened until the end of the week and Twilight and I didn’t really commit much time to our journals. Well, she did, but I was mostly spending my time reading my Midnight Stroll books so I could see where I’d left off. I still had my little book of ideas for the series, so I enjoyed myself as I caught up to where I’d left off. Twilight told me that the last book I’d gotten published in the Midnight Stroll series was Midnight Stroll and The Bewildering Broach, so I found the first edition copy she’d placed in my study and gave it a quick readthrough since I’d caught myself up otherwise. The thing was, I’d felt that Twilight wanted to ask me a question for a few days now, and that question finally came to a head during the weekend where I was about to start writing the next book.

Basically, Twilight asked me why I was putting off going into the Everfree and I told her that I really just didn’t want to leave her, and that was honestly the main thing. There were a few other items on the side like not wanting to go insane, but they just couldn’t match up to my desire to stay next to Twilight. She thought that I was being incredibly sweet, but she essentially told me to buck up and get the whole damned thing over with so I could come back and we could get the ball rolling all over again instead of putting it off and having her fret over when I would leave. Thus, I started writing this entry. I’m not looking forward to my time away, but at least no one’s going to be fucking me up with emotional or physical abuse this time around.

Good God, I really don’t want to go… I know I have to, and the longer I wait, the more danger the world is in, but then again, fuck the world, am I right? No, I’m not, so I guess I’ll pick up when I get back from my trip into Hell. I can’t even take my fucking journal along since it might keep me sane, but fuck; is there ever a time to not have something like this around. I’m going to miss my friends and Twilight like no other, but hopefully life moves on without me. It will, undoubtedly, but it feeds my ego to think that things will fall apart. I could get into the effects my departure might have on Twilight, but words and such, you know.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Alright, first things first, I spent a little less than a month in the Everfree and that makes me happy. I also didn’t have to create another Path to figure out what I was doing, so that’s even nicer, but I don’t want to spoil anything because honestly? My journals kind of read like a story of some kind, though there are officially only three people I would allow to read them in the first place. Well, four if you include Noir, but you know her situation. Other than her, Twilight, Celestia, and Uror are the only people I’d allow to invade my mind like this and I’ve only allowed Uror into the equation because I think she’d be a good person to spill my secrets to because she’s so fucking old. Seriously, she’s like, nature itself or some shit, but then again, I don’t know if she can even read since she doesn’t like civilization. I’ll have to ask her next time I see her.

In any case, Twilight and Crimson bid me goodbye the morning I headed into the Everfree. I’d taken the day before to give everyone a hug or a handshake before leaving since I wanted everyone to know that I was going to be safe, though Blue and Trixie were still heavily against me leaving until I told them that Nashoba had carved me out some territory where I’d be left alone. I didn’t mention, however, that I was going to have to fight something that was kinda like me but actually evil when I got there, so they let me go without too much fuss. Spike told me to be careful, Mary told me to be safe, Strawberry told me that she hoped I ate something mildly poisonous and got the Hershey Squirts for days on end (I told her to fuck off), and Onyx wished me luck on dealing with Rockodiles, Manticores, and Orthus’ until I let him know that I’d killed all of them before.

With all the gushy shit out of the way the day before, I took my kit and Shadow Dived into the Old Castle’s kitchen since there wasn’t a safer place that I knew of. I rose from the Shadow Realm in utter darkness, but I just turned on my Night Vision and things were okay from there. I walked around and smelled the smelly smells, but there wasn’t anything that stood out, so I left the kitchen and started exploring the Old Castle all over again, looking for the undead thing that I was supposed to make more deader. I couldn’t sense any kind of presence ebsides some harmless Spirits that hadn't messed with me much before besides trying to creep me out, so I said hello to them and turned on the Spirit Sight that would allow me to see them. As I walked up Celestia’s old tower, there was a rather cute ghost lady following me, so I waved to her and she waved back. I gestured for her to walk next to me and she hesitantly came to my side, so I tried talking to her.

“Wotcher, love. How are things?”

She didn’t reply.

I shrugged and started walking again, but when she didn’t come with me, I gave her a look. “I didn’t want you to just stand next to me. Come on, yeah?”

She walked up to me again.

I went back to climbing steps and she floated next to me a few centimeters off of the floor. Steps. What the fuck ever. “You know, I’m sure it’s awfully boring around here. It’s not like anything ever comes to stir things up.”

She didn’t say anything.

“Why not leave the castle and find a nicer place to haunt? I mean, sure it’s a good final resting place, I suppose, with all the suits of armor you can move around to your heart’s content and the tapestries you can make flutter when there’s no breeze, but without anyone to spook, is there really much of a point to it?”

She glared at me and pointed down the stairs.

“If you’re not going to talk, I’m not going to listen to you.” I said haughtily, continuing my journey.

She continued floating next to me, glaring at me as I walked.

“You know, for someone dead as fuck, you’re awfully pretty. What say we get that dress off of you and give you a proper look, yeah?” I asked pointlessly.

Her chest rose suddenly and fell, giving me the impression that she’d just huffed. She stopped looking at me, but she stuck around, so I figured I could be a bit nicer. “What’s your name, love? If you can’t say it, you can spell it out in some dust for me, can’t you?”

She continued ignoring me.

“Fine. Be that way. Can you at least tell me why you want me to go downstairs?”

She turned back to me and pointed, so I rolled my eyes and stopped, sticking my tongue out at her. She rolled her eyes in return and gave me a womanly look, but when she started mouthing words, I couldn’t make out what she was saying.

And then there was a fucktonne of them

Just flooding up from the stairs, there were spirits of every shape and size, every age and make marching up the stairs and I suddenly felt like they were about to mob me or something. I looked back to the woman who’d been following me and she just smirked. Well, she smirked until I started pumping out Dark Magic like I could keep them at bay with it. She actually looked at me a bit worried now and held her hands up. I turned off the magic and looked at the horde of semi-translucent beings. They’d stopped a few meters away from me, so I figured I was okay to continue my journey, but the ghostly woman floated in front of me and held her arms out to either side, trying to block my path.

“Look, Celestia herself said I could come up here and use it as my base while I’m in the Everfree. It’s not like I’m trespassing according to her.”

She let her arms fall to her sides and held a hand out, palm forward. I think she was asking me to wait, so I crossed my arms and gave her a look.

“What do you want me to do, not sleep while I’m here? The bed in Luna’s room sucks arse-”

She covered her ears and looked down, so I covered mine and closed my eyes tight, waiting for the ghosts to do something. After a few moments of nothing happening, I looked up and saw that she was holding herself, fear on her face.

“...Was it the name? Are you afraid of her?” I asked softly.

She looked away.

“Wait, was it Luna-”

She covered her ears again and I felt goosebumps on my skin. It was Luna.

“Holy shit... “ I looked at the mass of spirits. They had the same general look of fear about them. I looked back to the woman and she was giving me a pleading look. “...She killed all of you, didn’t she?” I asked, softly.

She nodded slowly.

“It wasn’t her, love. She didn’t do it, please believe that.”

She frowned deeply.

I raised my hands in a placating gesture. “It’s not what it sounds like, love. Let me explain. Your Princess of the Night was taken over by Nightmare Moon. Nightmare Moon killed you, not Luna.”

The woman’s face contorted into the picture of fury itself and wind started whipping at my clothes, but I wasn’t afraid.

“It’s a truth that I wish you would have heard a thousand years ago. Please don’t blame the blue one, love. She was taken over by Nightmare Moon and was banished to the Moon for a thousand years. Don’t let your spirits be kept here for something you had no control over. Luna never meant to betray Celestia, she was eaten away by the same Dark Magic that I use. Nightmare Moon is the villain here, not Luna.”

The woman wept and I wanted nothing more than to reach out to her, but I knew that it would be pointless. I still tried since the gesture was a kind one, but she just wiped her eyes and made an about face, walking up the steps. I looked behind me to find that the ghosts were floating back down the spiral steps, so I followed the woman since I had nothing better to do. When I arrived at the top of the steps, I walked through the doors that lead to Celestia’s old room to find her sitting on the old vanity that still bore traces of the stain that had graced it so long ago. I walked up to her and she looked away from me, so I started setting my backpack and things down near the bed. I sat on it and looked at her for a few minutes, but it was clear that she wasn’t going to come over, so I went to her. I wasn’t sure in the vanity would hold my weight, so I tried focusing my Dark Magic into my fingertips and touched her.

She jolted and held her arm where I’d touched her, more surprised that I’d been able to lay a finger on her than that I’d used Dark Magic. I offered her my hand and she kept staring at me, stunned. It took her a minute or two, but she eventually placed her hand in mine and I started trickling bits of my power into her. She winced a bit, biting her lip, so I withdrew it. However, she grabbed my hand with both of hers and looked at me expectantly. I tilted my head and tried giving her a bit more, recognizing that I hadn't been hurting her. After a few minutes of feeding her my power, she let go of my hand and touched my face. It was a lot like being tickled by a feather, honestly, but there was definitely something there rather than it just being a breeze like I’d expected. I grabbed her hand and gave her a disarming smile. She returned it with a small one of her own and gently guided my hand toward her chest, placing it right over where her heart would have been. She nodded at me and I gave her a little more juice than I had been. I had no idea why the fuck I was doing what I’d been doing, but it seemed like good thing to be doing.

I took a quick break and the ghost just kept smiling mildly at me, lightly kicking me with her hooves, though it’s not like it came anywhere close to hurting. I focused and tried to listen to Noir, but all she said was that I was doing something I’d better be ready to accept the consequences of, which I assumed meant that I was doing something a little on the stupid side. She’d told me that Dark Magic had interesting interactions with ghosts and spirits, but as long as my intent wasn’t evil, they wouldn’t turn out to be evil, so I was interested in seeing where my experiment would take me. Noir warned me that while I could turn back at any time, it would be inconsiderate of me to do so, but I wasn’t planning on leading the lady in front of me on for any reason. Once I was done with my break, I asked Noir how I would know when I was done and she told me that I just would.

“Are you ready to pick up where we left off?” I asked.

She nodded and said, “Yes.” Her voice was like a breath on the wind.

I blinked a couple of times and placed my hand where it had been before. She took her hands and covered mine shortly after I touched her again. She gave me a little smile and closed her eyes, humming a soothing song while I tried giving her more power than I thought I really should do. She seemed to enjoy it well enough, so I maintained the course and felt something creep up from my navel and travel along my arm, like I was beginning to form a connection with her. The thing had a physical form in that it was grey and blue like my magic, and when it started seeping out of my fingers, it pervaded through the woman and we looked at each other wide eyed. Neither of us had expected it to happen, and when we felt it form itself into a spheroid, we were both surprised to find that she started gaining color. She’d been a pale white to me before, but now when I turned off my Spirit Sight, she started turning ash grey and her mane was a darker shade, close to wrought iron grey. Her eyes, however, were a brilliant royal blue that surprised me quite a bit, though I think it was my magic that made her eyes that color.

“Wow… I don’t know what I was expecting, but… Uh… Hi there.” I said elegantly.

She held her hands up and floated off of the vanity before turning around to look at herself in it. “This mirror is awful.” She muttered.

“Well, it’s a thousand years old, so…” I pursed my lips.

She whipped around. “You hear me?”

I nodded and she blinked a couple time. We looked at each other for a little while and I poked her. “So what’s your name, love?”

“I- I’m…” She furrowed her brows.

“Can’t recall?” I asked.

She shook her head, but didn’t say anything.

‘ “Well, for the time being, why don’t we call you Jovia? It’s only a letter off of Jovial, but I rather like it as a name.”

She looked at me and nodded silently, giving me a little smile.

“...So… Uh… You don’t seem to be much of a ghost anymore.”

Jovia brushed the back of her hand against my face and shook her head.

“Do you know what you are, or am I going to have to figure that out on my own?”

She mouthed some words, but nothing came out and I feared that she was becoming a ghost again, but when she tilted her head as though she were listening to something, I figured she had asked the spirits something.

“The Ether says…” She trailed off.

I waved a hand. “The Ether says…?”

“It speaks. I am not a ghost.” She beamed.

“We guessed that, Jovia.” I said patiently.

She shrugged and grabbed my left hand, tapping my ring. “Here.”

I lifted my hand. “What about my ring?”

“I can hide here.” She said.

“...Okay? Do you really want to?” I asked.

She tilted her head to and fro. “You have business.”

“Well, yeah. I came here to meditate for a few weeks. I’m sure you have something better to do than hide in my ring.”

Jovia shook her head. “We are bonded.”

“I figured as much.”

“You helped me.” She said simply.

“I guess I have, though I don’t know how.”

She shrugged. “This is better.”

“I’m sure it is. Tell me, were you grey before, or is that new?”

“I was grey.”

“That’s cool. And what color were your eyes?”

“Green.”

“So that changed. Huh. Well, if you want to hide in my ring for the time being, you’re welcome to, I guess. I’ve gotta go hunt so I don’t have to worry about food for a few weeks, so… Well, I don’t really know what to do now.”

She tilted her head and listened to the Ether again. “I am your familiar.”

I raised my brows. “I’ve got a cute girl as my familiar. Cool. What all can you do?”

Jovia pointed her finger at the mirror and it returned to its former glory, letting both of us get a good look at our reflections. “Restoration. Levitation. Things of such nature.”

I nodded my approval. “Can you use your Unicorn Magic at all?”

“That was it.”

“Ah. Hmm.”

She gave me a little smile and patted my shoulder. “I will sleep.”

“Can you?

“I can now.”

“Did you miss it?”

“Very much.”

“You don’t say much, do you?”

She puckered her lips. “Kiss my tail.”

I grabbed it and tugged until she went ethereal. “Huh. So you’re not tangible all the time.”

Jovia smiled and held my hand for a moment before my ring drew her in like we were in a fucking cartoon or something. Shit was weird. Since I had nothing else to do, I sliced off a bit of my cured meat and chewed it on my way down to the Courtyard. I figured I might as well take up my old spot and get some meditation done due to the earliness of the day, but when I got out there, I felt a presence start coming toward me from nearby and I sighed, drawing the Warbling Blade and facing its general direction. I didn’t want to fuck with whatever it was since it felt a little negative in nature, but I figured that the being was here to be a bother anyways. When it came into sight, I was certain that it was the Draugr I’d been warned of and it already annoyed me that it was on my turf, most likely chasing away my prey. I saw it long before it saw me, but when we made eye contact, or rather, eye to strange-glowing-orb contact, it made a hideous shouting noise and started shambling over to me rather quickly.

I wasn’t having any of its shit because I generally don’t put up with no shit in any case, but I especially wasn’t going to put up with this fucker messing with me while I was trying to get some peace and quiet. I wondered how I was going to handle this and figured I could do it hand-to-hand as long as it wasn’t decaying too badly, but then again, it was a Buffalo Draugr, so it’s not like it was rotting or anything at this point, or at least I couldn’t smell it rotting. I would’ve been able to pick out the scent of decay, but instead of rotting flesh, I could definitely taste Dark Magic on the air with its mesquite undertones. It wasn’t too bad, but the scent of my Dark Magic was stronger, though I didn’t slip into Primal Mode just yet. I approached the Draugr at a calm pace and for a few seconds, we just travelled toward each other, but when I stopped, I found that interesting enough to see if I could talk to it.

‘It can talk’ Noir said in my mind.

‘Cool.’ I replied simply.

I was reserving judgement until I could have a proper word with it, but when I got within talking distance of it, it raised its fists to the sky and let out a warcry to top the last before pounding its fists on its chest. I strapped on my gloves and waited for it to square up, and when it did, I recognized the style as the one the Buffalo from Noir’s fighting circle had used. It started wrapping some frayed, somewhat thin rope around its hands and once it finished, it pointed behind me, so I followed its finger and we walked into the middle of the Courtyard. We maintained a decent distance between us the entire time, and when it cried out again, I gave it a thumbs up and snapped my fingers hard, jolting myself into Primal Mode rather than easing myself in like I usually do.

The Draugr and I approached each other quickly, neither of us wanting to waste an opportunity to taste the might of another capable pugilist, but when we got within a meter of each other, but faltered and came to a stop within a foot or so of each other. I don’t fucking know the Imperial system, so I could be off, but that sounds about right. I looked at the Draugr with appraising eyes. I knew it wasn’t going to win, and I had the funniest feeling that it had figured out the same thing while charging. I backed off and it did the same, so I snapped softly in disappointment, sending myself into Person Mode.

“Fight…” It wheezed.

“We don’t have to, I guess.” I shrugged. “I’d like to give you a few good whacks, but if you’re not up for it…?” I spread my hands.

It grunted and touched its fists together with its elbows flared. “Lose. I will lose.” It bowed.

“You will if we do fight. Still, it would’ve been a good death.” I said softly. “Better than wandering about, looking for someone to put you down and killing whoever comes.”

“I seek a good fight.” It said coarsely. “This is not what I seek.”

“...Are you saying I’d win too quickly?”

It nodded and extended a hand, so I walked forward and put my hand on its ropes. “This is your land.”

“You’re right. I claim this territory as my own.”

“This humble one will protect it until he finds a worthy opponent.” He swore.

“I already have someone doing that. What do you offer that the Wolfmother doesn’t?” I asked.

“Protection from dusk to dawn.” He wheezed. “The Wolfmother is not here like this humble one is.”

“...True enough. The thing is, you’re leaning toward evil, mate. It’s kind of my duty to obliterate you.”

“This humble one offers you no evil. He is no Wendigo.”

“I’m not one-hundred percent sure on what that is, but it doesn’t sound good. Can you take on the creatures of the Everfree?” I asked.

“This humble one fears no Manticore, no Cockatrice, or any Goblin.” He said hoarsely. Drawing another breath, it said, “Goblin and Kobold alike wish to reside here. Neither will find a home.”

I tilted my head from side to side. “Well… It would suck pretty fiercely if either of those little groups of arseholes found purchase in a place that’s actually defendable. Tell you what: When the Wolfmother comes back around, tell her that I allowed you to live. Until then, I can’t really talk to you. I’m supposed to be meditating, so I can’t really say that we’ll be talking much in the future, but if you bear my mark, she won’t kill you on sight.”

The Buffalo gave me no look to go by. Instead, it turned its shoulder to me, so I stuck a Seal on it after loading it with a complicated number that would make the Buffalo freeze if it tried to kill something I generally wouldn’t condone it killing unless it was an agreed duel. I let him know what it was before I placed it on him and he agreed to the terms since it was reasonable enough and thus the thing fucked off, limiting its presence so it wouldn’t bother me. I took the time to wonder why a fucking Buffalo would be a Draugr in Pony lands, but it was a question beyond my pay grade. However, I called Nashoba over shortly after and told her what had transpired and she told me that she had avoided killing it because it wasn’t willing to fight her either. I guess we were both just overpowered as fuck and not terribly fun to fight.

With half of my daylight burned up, I decided to forgo hunting and just meditate for the first day, switching my focus from inside to outside, which was an interesting transition that’s hard to describe. Well, it’s actually not all that hard since I’m still about to do it, but whatever I guess. Focusing on the outer instead of the inner was like just… Closing your eyes and seeing through your other senses. Every shift in the breeze painted a picture with your ears, fuzzy images giving your eyes something to do while you were watching through the blackness. After a few hours of listening, I had a pretty decent picture of the world around me as the wind blew and lulled. I could tell you where each tree was and were each boulder that broke the wind lay, but that was a little disconcerting. I could taste the usual things on the breeze, but then again, I could also smell the things I tasted and the smells were a lot stronger than the tastes. I actually paid attention to what I was smelling and came to the conclusion that I wouldn’t be hunting tonight since there were Goblins chasing small game and precious little else. There weren’t any large creatures worth going after nearby, so when the day cooled off and came into the night, I sat and waited for nothing to happen.

A lot of nothing did happen, but with my mind clear and my focus on building a better picture of what was around me with my senses. I sat throughout the night without moving a muscle and heard the Buffalo tear some Goblins apart when they invaded my territory, and from their screams, I could tell that they died terribly. I could actually feel what was happening and gather a decent picture based on the vibe I got from it, but my senses hadn't stretched far enough for me to ‘see’ what was going on. Still, night gave way to dawn and dawn gave way to day and I was still internalizing a lot of the Everfree’s magic. It stirred within me and it was starting to get harder to sit without thinking. I decided to take a break since I smelled something potentially tasty on the breeze, but it wasn’t the poultry of Cockatrice or the familiar reeking musk of the Deer-like creatures. No, it had a reptilian scent that I’d smelled before and it didn’t seem like a terribly large creature, so it seemed like it would be a good piece of prey since I hadn't eaten it before. I hopped off of my rock and limbered up over the course of a few minutes since I was stiffer than a teenage boy’s dick after walking into a wet T-Shirt contest.

I got up and walked toward the scent, following just outside of my territory to the last marker I’d set. When I got there, I saw that it was an Alligator of sorts, but that it had rather long legs and seemed to canter about like it was a lizard, and that shit was a little freaky. I didn’t want to bother with it, but the thing sighted me and hissed, scurrying over faster than I would’ve liked, so I pierce its skull with Psychokinesis and it fell like a sack of brick on sticks. The creature was a little too large to carry myself, but a little Telekinesis meant that I could float it back to base without much trouble. I’ll save you the details of cleaning and cooking it since that shit was a little tedious due to my lack of knowledge on the subject, but I will tell you that the Gator thing was abso-fucking-lutely delicious. Like, I ate until my stomach was full and had to start drying the meat so I would have some for later, that shit was so good. I didn’t let a single fucking scrap of that shit go to waste and even saved the joints and put them in a small pot that hadn't corroded so I could make soup with the joints. I mean fucking honestly, I even broke the no talking rule and got the Buffalo to show me how to use the skin so I wouldn’t let a single piece of the thing go to waste and made a new sheath for the Warbling Blade since the old one was a little shit anyway. That took a little doing, but still, I used every bit of that Alligator-thing as a way to appreciate it for being one of the tastiest whatchamacallits I’d ever had in my life.

After eating my fill, I was good to meditate for a few more days without a break and so I did. I continued on as I’d started and that was most certainly a nice way of doing things, but I didn’t feel like I was making any progress. It took me a week to realize that I was probably just doing the wrong kind of meditation. I wasn’t asking myself questions like I had been when I’d learned how to use my Telekinesis, so I started asking myself questions about things that bothered me and my first question was ‘How far am I willing to go for Twilight?’. That question was actually incredibly easy to answer when I thought about it. Was I willing to kill for Twilight? Yes. Was I willing to die for Twilight? Yes. Was I willing to sacrifice my pride for her? Yes. Was I willing to bend my knee at any reasonable request? Yes. The most important in those series of questions was whether or not I was willing to live for Twilight, but the answer to that had already proven to be yes multiple times. When it comes to my precious love, I was willing to do anything but leave her, but in coming across that realization, I realized that I’d be fucked if I ever started becoming too dependant on her. I was already kind of fucked since I’d put off going to the Everfree so long just so I could stay by her side, even though I knew the stakes in doing so. I’d still come in the end, but that was just the beginning of my worries.

I continued along that train of thought and came to the conclusion that I was stuck when it came to Twilight. I loved her too much to ever part with her, and if I was ever forced to, then there might come a time where I might face the world to reunite with her. It killed me to think that I might be doing the same kind of crippling to her, but when I started asking myself questions about love and what it truly was, I understood it as a fact of intelligent life, a force of nature all its own that was as powerful as hatred or anger or any other emotion, if not more so because it could easily birth either. Love is the best of the best and the worst of the worst simultaneously, and there’s nothing anyone can do with that. I love Twilight and she makes me stronger (literally), but she’s also my greatest weakness. She is my rock, my foundation and the source of my goodness, but when someone fucks with her, good God would I ever smite the fuck out of the person foolish enough to come after her. Love is good and evil, but that’s just how it do.

When I exhausted that topic, I moved on to my relationship with Celestia, and fuck was that shit ever complicated. On one hand, her arse was fantastic, but on the other hand, her tits were big enough to bury your face in. That nonsense aside: bitch is kinda evil, but on the same thread, I’m kinda evil. We had similar evils, but different darknesses that just didn’t match up too well and I wondered what would have to happen for us to actually come together again. Yes, I found Celestia fun and freaky like no other, but how would she take playing second fiddle to Twilight for millennia? It wouldn’t surprise me if she went Nightmare Moon on us and tried to claim me for herself, but if she hadn't done so yet, I doubted that she would. I had faith that Luna, Cadance, and Twilight herself would try and help if Celestia lost her mind, but Celestia is the most powerful of the four Princesses and that’s just a fact. If Celestia wants me more than anyone else other than maybe Noir or the Matron does, then she fucking has me, and since I started thinking about it, I realized that it’s taken a lot of resolve on her part to not just wipe my mind and claim me as her own. Luckily I’d brought my Dragon Fire with me by accident, so I was able to send her a note on some old parchment that thanked her for having restraint in the face of Max-shaped adversity.

I thought about a lot of things while I was in the Everfree honestly. I thought about what life meant now that I was immortal, what I would do if Twilight ever got tired of me, how I needed to handle all of my friends dying, what to do when the war comes, how to handle the members of Adstus when I get them together and what to do if they ever got out of hand, and a menagerie of smaller things that I don’t feel like writing down. The biggest thing was the final thing I thought about, however, and that was my place in the universe. A lot of people think about the futility of their actions, and I know Kansas has a song called Dust In The Wind that sums it up pretty well. It’s not a happy song, but I wasn’t thinking about how my actions affected the universe as a whole… No, I was thinking about how the atoms worked with each other.

Now, if you’re a Pony or a being of Equus, you don’t understand atoms and you’re really not going to get much of an explanation of what they do from me beyond the fact that they make up everything. Atoms are the building blocks of the universe, and there are more atoms in one body than there are stars in the galaxy, so if you can wrap your head around the fact that your body is made up of millions upon millions of cells, then you might possibly understand that there are around seven billion billion billion (no that’s not meaningless repetition) atoms in the average Human body. Ponies are an awful lot more dense than Humans are, so that number is probably double that since I would reason that Ponies are about twice as heavy as an average Human. Math aside, let me get into the good shit, yeah?

Now, I was in my third week of meditation on the first day of that week when I started getting rather philosophical. What is my place in this world? I know that I’m a prince, but what do I do? How do I interact with the other grains of dust that surround me? Why do we bunch up together and create little bunnies under the sofa that is the world, but while I was thinking about that, I started considering myself to be an atom in the ‘body’ of the universe. For some odd reason, I started thinking about the way atoms interacted with each other and remembered that they didn’t always do so in a way that made sense to scientists. I mean, Quantum Theory is fun because it plays on that which we can’t really confirm without advancing science a little further, but that only played at my mind for a few moments while I thought about atoms again. Atoms have electrons, protons, and a nucleus that binds them together, but if I remember correctly, an atom’s electrons could be a considerable distance away from the nucleus, like, to scale, it could be up to ten miles away, and if I considered the electron something like the hands of an atom, then that would mean that I, the nucleus, could reach distances that would seem unreachable by Human standards, or at least, to Human arms. I opened my eyes from my meditation and tilted my head, imagining my arm reaching across the Courtyard to grab a stone, but arms don’t work like that… Atoms do, however, and what am I but an atom in the body? My hand started to darken and I tried again, but I imagined that I was reaching through a portal of sorts, that the empty space was a wrinkle that would allow me to skip the line. I know it doesn’t really make sense, but to me, in the moment, it made complete sense, and when I imagined the electron, or rather, my hand passing through negative space, my hand disappeared as I pushed it through the ether and into the other side of reality. What I really needed to do was look at my life as though I was an atom all along and things just started making sense to me. I wasn’t just bending space, I was bending reality itself to my will, so when I picked up the stone I’d had my eyes on, I drew my hand back and saw that I’d done it. My arm had the white swirly pattern on the black background that I’d seen when God had originally let me use my power.

I wasn’t sure if I quite understood what I’d done, so I closed my eyes again and tried to imagine what time and space would look like, bit all I could see were the hazy outlines that made up my mental images, and that’s when I realized that I was looking at time and space all wrong: the two exist in a different dimensional definition that I could already see, and that all I had to do was reach through, though I could only do so with my left hand when I tried to slide through them myself. I could dip my right hand through space, but I could only make it go so far before time pushed me back out, and honestly? Time felt a bit slimy. Space felt like I was reaching through Bengay with how creamy it felt, and the hot and cold sensations were odd to say the least. I don’t know where my limbs disappeared to when they weren’t in this dimension, or when they were hidden by the fourth and fifth dimensions, I should say, but I do know that it was fucking weird and a little unsettling at first.

My arm was still black while I was experimenting with time, space, and those betwixt, so I figured that I’d found the source of my power in deep intellectual thought. I didn’t waste time with trying to turn it off and on and wandered out of the Courtyard and over to a tree that had never done anything to me. I wondered what would happen if I tried to scoop a bit of wood out of it with my power active and found that I could ball it up with my left hand, with with some help from my right, I managed to compress it into the size of a ball bearing. I took another handful of the tree and added it to the little ball, compressing the material back down into the same size. I’d squeezed all of the water out of it when I did it the second time, and when I did it the third time, I noticed that it was getting a little on the heavy side, so I continued until I could only lift it by using the True Theft’s passive ability. I was certain that I was about to do something fucking retarded with my tiny tree ball, and when I looked up to the Sun, a smile grew on my face and I reached a hand up to block it from blinding me. Suddenly, my hand slipped through the space and a shadow fell over me, but as I look, I could see that my hand and a bit of my arm hand gone far above me to block out a bit of the Sun. The shadow it cast was considerable, so I frowned and thought about my hand becoming larger and it fucking did. Somehow, some way, dream rules applied to my left hand and that thought brought a smile to my face.

With my hand back by my side, I prepared to something incredibly stupid, but before I could reach out and do what I planned on doing, the swirling pattern on my arm had came and focused on the back of my hand, glowing brightly in the shape of my Seal. I assumed that it was for a good reason and so I reached into the heavens (not to be confused with Heaven) and took a handful of the Sun’s flames. The day flashed brighter as I brought my hand back, and when I did, I realized that the swirls on my arm had formed my Seal to contain the fucking absolute blaze that was my piece of the Sun. I’d only skimmed the flares on the surface, but I was pretty sure that being careless with it would destroy the Everfree in a beautiful flash, but here I was, a common thief from Wiltshire, former lowest man on the totem pole, scum of the Earth, holding a piece of the fucking Sun. Fuck Yeah!

I couldn’t control the smile on my face or the pride welling up in my heart, but I knew that I probably shouldn’t hold something so dangerous for longer than necessary, so I reached through space again until I was sure that I was high enough in the atmosphere to let it go, and Dear Lord was it ever a spectacle. Colors of every shade and hue spread out in ribbons and rivers, fractals and various geometric patterns, all at the same time in every direction. It must have spread for miles because it was easily visible from the ground, and it was just… Beautiful. It was a beautiful event that signalled the beginning of Equestrian hope in winning The War, but it wasn’t what I needed. I wasn’t quite done.

I looked back at the tree and picked up my tree ball, absentmindedly lighting it with the Sunfire in the sky and tossing it up and down in my left hand. The flame didn’t burn me and it was a wonder to look at, so I kept it around until I had to put it down and test something for a moment. I wandered around the Courtyard for a few minutes until I found myself in front of another tree, but I had a different goal in mind this time. This time, I reached into the tree and felt around for something, a warmth or whatever and I found it after a minute or two of searching. I grasped that warmth and tugged, but that shit wasn’t coming easily, so I decided that I wanted the warmth a lot more than the tree did and ripped it from its trunk, hearing the leaves rustle as the tree shook violently, vibrating like there was an unseen earthquake. It scared me a little bit, but when I looked at what I held in my hand, I knew why the tree had been so loathe to surrender it to me.

I held its soul.

The trees soul was green and brown. It was fucking tree shaped, though it was more like it was a sapling, and when I stoked it with my right hand a face of no sex in particular formed on it and looked at me fearfully. My heart broke into pieces and my soul ached, tears falling in rivulets down my face as I begged the tree for forgiveness. I looked back to its shell and saw that it was grey and lifeless, but I knew somehow that it was still technically alive, though it wouldn’t be that way for long. Without waiting for an invite, I thrust the tree’s soul back into it and waited for it to take before letting go. I knelt before the innocent being and continued to beg for its forgiveness for doing something so unforgivable to it. There was nothing other than sorrow and shame in my heart. I’d committed evils before, but rending the soul from a living being… That was the ultimate evil and I still believe that it is. Kill something, rape it, torture it, do whatever soul-blackening thing you may that sends you to Hell, but never rip a soul from a living being.

An idea popped into my head. A whisper came into my ear. We agreed to try.

I abandoned everything in the Everfree and Shadow Dived in the shade of the tree I’d wronged so terribly, and when I surface, I ran around the Throne to face Celestia. “Um, excuse me?” Some bitchy faggot from behind me said.

I turned around and glared at the bitchy faggot so furiously, I was pretty sure he pissed himself. I turned back to Celestia and said, “Hun, I need the Alicorn Amulet!”

Celestia looked at me like I was crazy and rude. “Maximus, as happy as I would normally be to see you-”

I raised my left arm and pointed at it. “It fucking works! I did it, okay?”

Celestia looked at my arm. “Wait, are you saying-”

“Yes! I need the amulet!” I said rapidly. “It’s for a very good cause, believe me!”

“Maximus, I am in the middle of something.” Celestia said firmly.

I hit my chest with both hands. “So am I! Seriously Celestia, right now, if you let me have the amulet, I’ll knock sixty-three years off of our separation, it’s worth that much to me!” I pleaded. She blinked at me a few times and I added, “It’s not terribly time sensitive, but it needs to be done, Celestia! Stop dawdling! Please!”

She shook her head and addressed the fellow behind me. “Gold Watch, you will be granted another audience tomorrow or you may come to Night Court and your grievance will be heard then. Prince Maximus obviously requires my attention at the moment.”

Gold Watch let out a pitiful squeak and I met Celestia at the bottom of her steps. “Guards, please have a custodian come in and clean up the mess,” I started tugging on her hand, “and close Day Court until I return.” She sighed.

“Come on, Hun! We’re burning daylight!” I said hurriedly, trying my best to pull Celestia to where we needed to go, though I had no idea where that was.

She huffed. “Maximus, if you don’t start acting like your station demands, I assure you that Luna and I would be willing to train you again.”

“Like I give a fuck about that, woman! Come on!” I tried.

Celestia caught me by my collar and glared at me. “What has gotten into you?” She hissed. “You’ve never been this excitable-”

“I’ve never had a reason like this, Celestia! Come on! My promise is still good, I swear, just get a move on!”

She grabbed my hand and we started walking slowly out of the Court Hall, but I was absolutely shaking like a leaf at the prospect of having my plans fulfilled. If this worked… If this went through as it needed to… Dear God, there would be no stopping me, no stopping Equestria after I got my wish.

While we were walking, Celestia tried to talk to me. “Max, are you serious about us being together as soon a decade? I need to know that you’re not playing with me-”

“Celestia, I swear on Twilight that I’m not playing with you right now! Regardless of whether or not this works, I-need-to-try-and-I-did-some-thinking-while-I-was-in-the-Everfree-and-I-think-you’ve-already-shown-a-lot-of-restraint-and-growth-as-a-person-which-is-nice-and-all-but-can-we-hurry-please-I-just-want-to-see-if-this-works-and-if-it-does-this-is-going-to-be-great-”

She stopped and held me by my shoulders, which made me want to do nothing more than shake her and scream. “Max. Slow down.”

I grit my teeth and made some noises. “WOMAN! WE MOVE!”

Celestia crossed her arms and I threw myself onto the floor and did some Squidward style crunches, making more noises until Celestia picked me up and started shaking me. “What is wrong with you!? Max, are you in your right mind right now?”

I grabbed her arms and started shaking her. “Woman can we keep walking!? Oh my God, I’m going to fucking blow my brains out with a gun from my planet if we don't. Get. A fucking. Move on!”

She pressed her fingers to her temple and I decided that I’d had enough and walked behind her, grabbed her tail, and started dragging her down the hall. “Maximus, if you don’t let go of my tail, I swear I will send you to jail!”

I didn’t let go and kept dragging her. “We can walk and fucking talk, Celestia! Stop stopping and show me the amulet so we can have a real discussion, okay!?”

Celestia turned around and grabbed my wrist, so I let her go and tried dragging her along by her hand and she just gave me a vexed huff before teleporting us to her room. She told me to stay still and I vibrated in place for a little while she walked over to her mirror. She rapped a peculiar pattern onto the glass and walked through it, and after a few minutes of some incredibly bouncy pacing on my part, she finally came back with the Alicorn Amulet in hand. At least, I thought it was the Alicorn Amulet. I didn’t know what the shit looked like, so I assumed that she brought me the right thing, but when she walked over to me she, held it like she wasn’t sure she should give it to me.

“Maximus, the power of the amulet is corrupting-” She warned.

“I don’t give a flying fuck about what it does, I need it for what it is!” I reached out to grab it and Celestia held it away from me. I made a frustrated noise and she glared at me.

“What is it to you, Max?” She asked firmly.

“Noir’s body! That’s what the fuck it is!” I cried.

Celestia’s eyes widened and she looked at it for a moment before I snatched it away with Psychokinesis. Once I held it with my right hand, I thrust my left hand into it and immediately felt a breast, and I knew without a doubt that I would pull Noir out by the fucking tits if I had to. She’d been crying in my mind while Celestia dilly-dallied, so when I found an arm, I pulled like my fucking life depended on it. The Solar Diarch watched in awe as the Alicorn Amulet folded in on itself and formed Noir herself, finally in the flesh after thousands of fucking years. I had no time to waste, so I thrust my left arm into my stomach and searched for the dark spot that was Noir’s soul, but I felt a hand on mine instead. I seized it by the wrist and started pulling, but when the pain began, neither of us were surprised. Noir and I were literally bonded by the soul, and now I was basically rending my Dark Magic from my soul, and that was going to be a painful process.

And how painful it was. Have you ever… No, there’s no way to describe it. Being killed by Applejack had hurt less. Elfriede carving ‘Kingslayer’ into my arm had hurt less. The Rat Bastard’s injection had hurt less. Going to Hell and the suffering I inflicted upon Alexander Graham were as close as I knew that could possibly describe the level of pain I was experiencing, but my love for Noir conquered my fear, my pain, and I hoped that doing this would allow me to have her in my life, well and truly, as more than just someone I had to visit in my mind. I wanted to be able to see Noir, to hug her in person and thank her for all she’d done for me, so I kept going through my tears. I bit through my cheek and tongue while sundering her from my being, and I fought every step of the way to get her out. There was nothing I could do other than fight and riot to get my mentor onto the physical plane like she deserved to be, and when I felt the final pull give way, I threw up on her lifeless body, but I now had a tiny, smoky version of Noir in my hand. I’d fallen on top of her in my struggle and now that I wasn’t literally ripping a piece of my soul out, I could feel Celestia’s arms around me and hear her voice calling for me to stop doing whatever the fuck that I was doing. Sadly for her, I still had one last thing to do, and with my vision fading, I didn’t have long to do it, so with my waning strength, I thrust my hand into Noir’s chest and waited for it to take. What felt like hours passed until I heard it.

Noir gasped. Her heart beat.

I removed my hand and fell over, finally allowing myself to rest. I felt two sets of hands on me, but only one voice mattered to me at the moment. “Maximus… Thank you-” Noir said.

And with that, I was taken into the abyss, which was an adventure in and of itself. Here seems like a good place to stop. I’m going to go grab some tea and I’ll make myself a hot toddy before I get to that bit.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I fucking love hot toddies. Anyway, so where were we? Just brought Noir back into the world of the living, slipped off into the abyss. Bitchin’. So I let my my eyes stay closed for a few moments, pretty much just enjoying the silence and the feeling of not being in immense pain for what felt like eternity, but then someone coughed and I felt the need to open my eyes and deal with them because of my intrinsic English Politeness™. I couldn’t hear any heartbeats, so I assume I was dead again, but when I opened my eyes, I wasn’t in the beige room where God and I usually met. I was, however, in a grey room with a brown lounger nearby that looked very inviting. I sat up and had a look around for a moment, surveying the room and taking in my surroundings to get my bearing. I appeared to be in a study of sorts, though it seemed to be a little bit of an office too. I stood up and looked around for the source of the cough and my eyes met those of a smallish fellow who seemed to be of… Well, my best guess is North African or Middle Eastern descent, but then again, I’m not exactly a genealogist or anything. The fellow gestured to a chair in front of his desk that looked pretty comfortable and I glanced back at the lounger, but he coughed again and looked at me expectantly.

“You wouldn’t make me talk to you from across the room, would you? That would make our business very difficult.” He said politely.

“Of course not, but I do request that I be allowed to sit in it before we’re done.” I walked over and had a seat in the comfy little chair. “Being on Equestria, no race is fond of leather and I find myself missing it most days.”

The fellow waved his hand. “I don’t quite understand what that means since I don’t look at all the planets, but I do understand a love for leather. That’s why I got it in the first place.”

“Good taste. I’m Maximus, by the way. I’m sure you know my real name, but I prefer Maximus.”

He smiled. “I do know you by Kaid, but I have been informed of your preferences. Most people call me Jesus, but I prefer Yesu myself.”

I raised my brows. “Yesu as in ‘Yesu Christos’?”

“The one and only.” His smile faltered a bit. “You’re not one of my worshippers, are you?”

“Nah, mate, I was never terribly Christian when I lived on Earth. I was Agnostic for the majority of my life, but then I met the Big Guy. Kinda makes you certain.” I chuckled.

He chuckled along with me. “It does tend to, though at least you weren’t an Atheist. I never have been terribly fond of them.”

“They’re alright.” I defended. “Sure, some of them are as pushy as religious fellows with their beliefs, but then again, I was of the opinion that people sucked anyway. I’m sure we have actual business to discuss, however.”

He nodded. “We do indeed. Well, first things first: you’re not dead.”

I beamed. “Fucking great!” I clapped my hands. “So where are we?”

“Some call it Purgatory, some call it limbo. Whatever you call it, you’re not dead, so keep that smile.” He mimicked my own grin.

I nodded. “I will. So what are we talking about here?”

Yesu patted the stack of papers in front of him. “Well, I’m sure you remember taking that lovely murderess from your soul, yes?”

“I do.”

He nodded curtly. “Well, when you removed Noir from your being, you also removed her magic. We’re here to talk about your new set of powers.”

I tilted my head. “New powers?”

“Yup. A new set of them, rather.”

I scratched my head. “Damn. I was just getting used to the old ones too. I’m taking it that I’m only losing the ones related to Dark Magic, right?”

“Your guess is correct my good sir. Your Telekinesis, guided and unguided, perception boost, upgraded constitution, healing factor, and True Theft are all untouched since Noir had no effect on them whatsoever. Well, besides unlocking your True Magic a little earlier than we’d thought, but you know how these things go.” I don’t but I’ll pretend that I do.

“Alrighty then. So what’s on the table? I’m guessing Capital G isn’t just going to let me get my Dark Magic.”

Yesu wagged his finger at me approvingly. “Correct again! No darkness for you, my friend.”

“Damn. Well ain’t that a kick in the teeth.” I muttered.

He shook his head. “In fairness, you could always go without new ones.”

I tilted my head toward him. “I see your point. What all can I have?”

Yesu coughed. “Well, I’ve taken the liberty of sorting them out by the useful functions that you used to have with you Dark Magic since I thought you might like to choose from there. The main categories are: Teleportation, Non-lethal Takedowns, Combat Effectiveness, and… Prankery.” He made a face at the last one.

I thought about that. “So what can I get under the Teleportation category?”

He smiled. “Well, do you consider nearly instantaneous movement teleportation?”

“Close enough, I guess.” I shrugged.

“Then you can pick the Storm Set, the Fire Set, the Light Set, or the Shadow Set.” The Earth shall end by storm and by fire… Let’s not pick those.

“What’s in the Shadow Set?” I asked.

Yesu shook his head. “I can’t tell you too much about them myself, but you’ll know how to use them once you have them.”

“As much or more than I knew how to use Dark Magic? Because honestly, at least I had a teacher for that, mate.” I sighed.

He reached over the table and offered me his hand, so I held it and it was as gay as I thought it would be. “You will know how to use the powers innately once you discover them, but how you use them and what you use are completely up to you.”

“... Can I bounce some ideas off of you for a mo’?” I asked.

“Sure, I suppose. What’s in that mind of yours?”

“Well, say I choose the Storm Set. Would I be able to conjure storms and travel by lightning, stuff like that?”

“I would say so, yes.” He bobbed his head from side to side.

“And say I pick the Fire Set. Do you know how I would teleport like that?”

“No clue, my friend.”

I sighed again. “Lovely. Hmm… So what all can I choose from?”

He shuffled his papers around. “Well, you can choose basically any neutrally aligned set of powers that you like, Maximus. Fire, Lightning, Superhuman, Mental, Water, Earth,” He paused and looked at one for a moment, “whoever picks air is stupid.”

“I like air.”

He raised a brow at me. “Really?”

“Hell no.” I scoffed. “What am I gonna do, blow someone to death?”

Yesu chuckled. “You never know. I’ve heard of someone using nature powers to pelt someone with lemons until they die.”

“Doesn’t that usually just happen with fanfiction?”

He stared at me blankly and I waved it aside. I took some time to actually think about what I really wanted, but nothing struck me as particularly good since I’d liked the powers I’d had. I mean, shit, Dark Magic was hella useful in that it allowed me do all the things that Yesu had categorized, so my next question was what powers had all of those characteristics. He said that the Storm Set, Light Set, Shadow Set, Plasma Set, Nature Set, Cosmic Set, and Pink Menace Set would fulfill my desires, but at the last one, I had to ask if these powers had side effects. He snapped and sighed before telling me that most people just jumped and asked for whatever silly power they could get away with and I gave him a look before conjuring my Seal. I was a little surprised that I had the ability to do it, but I suspended my mild disbelief and showed it to him. Yesu sat back and touched his face.

“Would you look at that…” He said softly. “Another Chosen.”

I lifted my brows at him and pursed my lips. “Yup. It hasn’t been fun so far, but I imagine that it sucks worse when you get into it.”

Yesu laughed. “Maximus, being a Chosen is probably one of the worst things that can happen to you. You realize that I was nailed to a cross and left to die over the course of multiple days, right?”

I held up fingers. “Beaten to death, poisoned to death, had my heart ripped out, and ripped half of my soul out. Mate, fuck with me, I think I’ve got you just about matched.”

He winced. “You’ve died multiple times?”

I spread my hands. “Went to Hell for a thousand or so years too. Luckily I’m not allowed to remember that, but still.”

Yesu looked uncomfortable. “Why don’t we go back to talking about powers?”

Conversation deleted from here. I came up with something I wanted more than anything else, something more useful than anyone else could have come up with. I wanted to get the full version, but Yesu said that I couldn’t have it, so I took a weaker version that would work against any and all sources, even myself if I wasn’t careful, and with that, Yesu gave me a hug and a warning about letting the whole ‘Chosen’ thing go to my head like some people had over the course of history. I told the ‘Son of God’ to stow it and he shut up since he’d let it go to his head, although he meekly argued that everyone was God’s child in the grand scheme of things. I flipped him off for being vague and he waved me away, but before I left I totally sat in his lounger and the shit was so comfortable. Like, it was definitely worth it. When I closed my eyes, I felt my body shirt until I was laying down with my head propped up by a pillow.

I opened my eyes to find that I was in a somewhat familiar place that I hadn't been in since my first trip to Canterlot. I was in the infirmary and the place had a few heartbeats that I just didn’t recognize. Yesu had told me that I would be a few hours removed from the happening of what went on in Equestria, but I figured that it would be fine. I sat up and winced, the area behind my navel aching like I’d just ripped out a chunk of my intestines. Shit fucking hurt. I was fine after a few minutes of meditation, however, and once I was good to go, I tried Shadow Diving to Celestia since I figured Noir would be nearby, but then I remembered that I ain’t got those powers no more. With that in mind, I sighed and examined my left arm to find that it had gone back to normal. I thought about my True Theft kicking in again and it blackened within a few seconds, the swirly pattern from earlier latticing about like usual. I wondered if my power worked in different, stupid ways, so I thought about Celestia and reached through space, aiming for her shoulder. I found it and grabbed it, pulling her to my location and that shit fucking worked!

I know had a very confused Celestia standing in front of me, and when she just blinked at me a few times, I waved. “Hullo, Hun.”

Celestia looked at my hand. “...Did you- Did you just teleport me?”

“No, I stole you. You’re mine now. That’s how True Theft works, dummy head.” I said cheekily.

She blinked at me. “Max, why didn’t you just teleport to me like you did earlier?”

“I can’t do that anymore. When I took Noir out, my Dark Magic went right along with her.” I explained.

“...That’s what she said, but I hoped she was wrong. Max, Noir’s magic was one of the things keeping you alive-”

I held up a black finger. “Until I became an Alicorn or whatever abomination I am. If it becomes a problem, I can steal some life and put it inside of me now.”

Celestia looked me in the eye before gently grabbing my chin and tilting my head upward. “Max, your eye is blue now.”

“The left one or the right one?” I really hope it’s not the left one.

“The right one.” She said softly.

“Ah, so grey gives way to blue! Fucking sweet!” I said happily.

“...Are you okay, honey?” She asked, concerned.

“I’ll be better when I see Noir. Is she okay? Is she taking her newly found freedom well?”

Celestia laid a hand on my shoulder and gave me a smile. “Perhaps it would be best if I showed you.” Her horn lit up, and in a flash we were standing in the Royal Family Room. I didn’t fucking name it, so if you think it sounds stupid, blame Celestia and Luna.

Noir was sitting at the table with Luna sipping tea and idly chatting about something or other until Celestia and I arrived, and when we did, Noir rose from her seat quickly enough that she was able to catch me as I was still in mid flight. She spun me around since Noir’s still stronger than fucking anyone else I’ve ever met and when we’d lost most of our momentum, we stood still for a minute or two and enjoyed the moment. Noir was finally whole again after thousands of years, and I’d been the one to bring her back into existence, just like I’d hoped. She made me let go of her long enough to bend down and give me a lovely kiss that spoke volumes of her gratitude for my actions, but the kiss wasn’t really needed, in fairness. Knowing that she would be around and would be able to give advice whenever I needed her to was invaluable to me, and just having her outside of my mind was a treat all its own, though I was sure that I would miss the days when we would spend hours upon hours just cuddling within the span of just a few minutes.

Noir broke our kiss and looked me in the eyes. “Do not fear, my pupil. We are still linked by our souls. I will continue to be within your mind, but now we can see each other within and without the mindscape.”

I stood on my tiptoes and hugged her. “I’m so glad to hear that. I was afraid to pull you out since I didn’t know we would lose our connection-”

“Worry not, Max.” She said soothingly, pressing my head into her shoulder. “Thank you. I should have said that first, but thank you.”

“With the same power, you would’ve done the same for me. Good God, is it ever fucking wonderful to know that I have you here with me.” I said, my voice getting a little thick.

“And with you I shall remain.” Noir replied softly.

“Does this mean I can try stealing your heart literally now?” I asked, trying to lighten things up a bit.

Noir just hugged me tighter and chuckled. We stood for a few more moments and I looked to Luna. “She’s here. She’s really here.”

Luna smiled calmly. “You’ve done the impossible yet again.” Her smile faltered a bit. “However, Noir and I were just were just talking about all the hours we wasted training you with Dark Magic.”

I turned on my True Theft and tried scooping some Dark Magic out of Noir, and it totally worked since I wasn’t trying to forcibly rip it out of her. I internalized the magic by trading it into my right hand and thrusting it into my chest, and when I did that, I conjured up a small ball of Dark Fire.

“Well, I can still use it. I just have to steal it from someone else first.” I made an approving noise and gave Noir her magic back.

The three elder being in the room stared at me, but Celestia spoke up first. “...So… Did you master True Theft?”

I thought about it for a moment. “I wouldn’t say that I have. I’m good with it to a point, but I have no idea how to grasp time or space yet since I only just learned how to move through them. I’d say that I’ll pick it up as we go along.”

Celestia sighed, though her tone was unreadable. “Do we stand a chance of defeating Discord yet?”

I nodded. “Depending on what I can take from him, we stand one Hell of a chance, Hun. Shit’s finally looking up for us after all.”

Luna huffed. “I knew you would pull through for us, even if you did waste time by going into the Everfree.”

“Shut up before I throw Sunfire at you.” I threatened playfully.

Luna gave me an odd look. “Sunfire?”

Celestia gasped. “The prismatic spectacle above the Everfree… That was you, wasn’t it?”

I nodded again. “It sure was. I skimmed some fire from the Sun and let it off high in the atmosphere far beyond where anything could hope to live. It really was a lovely show, wasn’t it?”

“Maximus, that little ‘show’ was one of the most terrifying things I have ever witnessed.” Celestia said, holding a hand to her chest. “I thought there was a magical meteor or something of the sort coming!”

I shrugged. “I guess we know that I can clear a battlefield by myself, now don’t we?”

Luna stared at me. “Would anyone object if I killed him now? I think our Human has gotten quite strong enough to warrant being put down.”

Noir stood in front of me. “For what reason would you do so? Max no longer has Dark Magic, so it will no longer eat away at him or cause him to become a Revenant, so there is little need for such drastic action anymore.”

“Wait, you mean I don’t get that incredible power boost anymore? Fucking really?” I sighed. “Oh well. At least I won’t turn evil, I guess.”

Noir turned around, Luna leaned around her, and Celestia came to stand near Noir. All three of them were giving me very womanly looks that made me feel rather sheepish about saying anything in the first place. I took the time to turn my True Theft back on and reach through space to grab the jerky that I’d left in the Everfree, and after taking a bite of the delicious Alligator-thing meat, I stopped giving a fuck about how they were looking at me and offered them each a piece of my prey. Luna and Noir each had some while Celestia waited until they were chewing away to accept the piece I offered her. She tore a small chunk off and handed me the rest, so I went back to snacking and we started talking from there.

My mentor had been slowly regaining her magic, Unicorn, True, and Dark, so as soon as she was able to, she altered her appearance into a slightly different being since she and Nightmare Moon had been fucking twins after all. I wondered why it was necessary if no one knew who Nightmare Moon was, but apparently it was pertinent enough for her to do so, and so it was done. Noir was going to keep her name, but she had to change her eyes to look more like a normal Pony’s, though they remained teal, and her mane still did the flowing thing that Celestia and Luna’s did, but now it was a few shades darker than Luna’s. She also lightened her coat so that she was more like a rich, lovely midnight blue that I wasn’t exactly against. Noir kept her incredible height, and now that she was here in life, she was actually a good deal taller than Celestia, now that I got a look at them in comparison. I asked them to stand side by side and found that while I looked at Celestia throat when she stood upright, I was just looking into nothing but the jiggly bits when I looked straight on with Noir. Luna was actually about my height, now that I think about it. Anyway, now that Noir’s horn was whole, it was long and sharp looking, so that scared me a little bit, but then I remembered to ask her to join my crew as a member of Adstus.

Noir said that she would stay on as an advisor or an Instructor, but that she was going to be filling the role of a General for Equestria since she was now back in the flesh. She was a woman hand-crafted for war, and nothing would ever take that out of her. Noir had done her fair share of stealth ops and the like, but Adstus just wasn’t where her heart lay, and I understood that, though it made me rather unhappy. At least, it made me unhappy until Noir swore that she would join my side with Nashoba when we went to war, and I asked if she was planning on staying in Canterlot from here on out. She said that she’d been planning to come to Canterlot in time, but that she wanted to meet Twilight in person and that she’d also wanted to meet my favourite pupper face to face instead of having to hear about her through my interactions with her. I was thrilled at the chance to have the three people I trusted most in the world in the same room in person. It was something I’d wanted for a long time and I was glad to finally get it.

Celestia asked if she could speak with me in private for a moment, but Noir said that she would know what was said and Luna stated that she would grill her for information later, so Celestia and I just had our conversation in front of them. My former lover asked me if I was serious about ending our separation sixty years early and I explained to her that I was considering doing so before I gave Noir her body back since I’d done some meditating on her and our relationship while I was gone. I’d actually spent the better part of six hours weighing in on whether or not to strike so much time, but when I explained that Celestia really had shown an incredible amount of restraint in not just taking me for her own, Noir agreed with me and expounded upon her own feelings on the matter.

My mentor said that she trusted Celestia to do the right thing when it came to me, but that we needed to be as honest with each other as Twilight and I were. I agreed hands down since Twilight and I were better off for it, but Celestia winced and asked that she be allowed to keep her secrets on the rare occasion that she not be comfortable with sharing them. Luna backed her, stating that some secrets and truths didn’t need to be shared, but Noir and I formed a more cohesive unit than even two eternal sisters could. Noir backed me up by stating that being frank and earnest with someone was the best way to rebuild the trust that I was still a little skeptical of giving Celestia once more and that having the ability to ask Sunbutt a question and know that it would be answered truthfully would go a long way in bridging the gap that still lie between us. She went on to say that Twilight and I worked together so well because, despite my secretive nature and deceptive tendencies, Twilight knew for a fact that I would never lie to her and could trust me based on the knowledge I’d already given her in the form of my journals. Basically, I allowed Twilight to see into my soul and if she didn’t like what she saw there, I accepted her opinion and worked on what I could if I felt it was an issue or a flaw in my character that didn’t lend itself to me being a charming prick.

Luna argued that Noir was only so open with her information because she’d never had to share anything for herself and I caught Luna then and there, telling her that Noir had spilled her soul to me in turn. She was surprised by this news and my little Blackberry blushed, stating that she thought it was only fair since we conversed regularly and she knew every little detail about my being. The Lunar Diarch complained about Noir never doing the same for her, but she conceded to my point when I said that she and Noir had never been terribly friendly since Noir had been shunted off to the side when she and her sister had taken residence within Luna. Celestia brought the topic back to her and my relationship and basically said that she just wasn’t used to sharing her darkest darkness with anyone up until I pointed out that she allowed Luna to bear the burden of her evils, but Celestia shot back that she’d known Luna for the vast majority of her long life and, well, they were sisters that ruled a country in tandem.

I took a moment to gather my thoughts while Noir kept working the same angle, going back and forth with Luna and Celestia, but when I was ready to speak, she suddenly fell silent and directed the sisters attention toward me. I had an important question for Celestia, and I needed an honest answer from her, so I waited until I was sure that I had the floor, so to speak.

With my eyes meeting Celestia’s once more, I asked, “Celestia, do you trust me?” She went to answer, seeming a little hurt, so I added, “I’m not asking if you think you trust me, I’m asking 'do you really trust me?'. You’re willing to give me a title in your nation, one of the highest in the land, but we both know that I’m going to have to fight tooth and nail to garner the same respect that Twilight and Cadance get for just being Princesses because of your frankly sexist way of running things and poor choices in previous Princes. You’re willing to trust me to not destroy the image of Equestria, to have me weigh in on a war that will tear the world apart, to hold your surrogate daughter near to me, and most of all, you’re willing to trust me with your own heart, with your love and if I’m not mistaken, your respect. You obviously trust me with a lot, Celestia, so why aren’t you willing to trust that I see you for who you are? We’ve had this conversation before, but I think now, when both of us have our most trusted companions nearby, is a good time to ask why you’re scared to trust me with your darkness.”

Celestia listened carefully and held a hand to her face, staring off into space for a moment. Luna came over and put a hand on her shoulder, which Celestia covered with one of her own, and when she’d had a few minutes to gather her thoughts, she spoke. “Maximus. Kaid. I know for a fact that I can trust you, and as you said, I obviously do, otherwise I wouldn’t have given you a title and the land that I have, but do you understand what it’s like to have lost multiple lovers to the same darkness you’re asking me to share? I... “ She rubbed her face. “You scare me, Max. You saw me for what I was from the moment you met me, and when I showed you that I was exactly who you thought I was, you distanced yourself from me. Do you know what that said to me? That told me that you couldn’t accept me for who I am, and that if we were ever to be together, that I needed to change drastically. No more mind wiping to save myself from humiliation, no more memory alteration to make things go more smoothly, no more orchestrating sweet moments that would bond you closer to me, no more romantic gestures to buy your affection, but the last one just didn’t work anyways, no matter how grand the offering. You’re different, Maximus. I can’t fool you, I can’t sway you, and I can’t buy you. I have no choice to be anything other than myself with you, but the side of me that I don’t let anypony see, the side that makes you not want to be with me, is the hardest thing to change. What would you do in my situation, Max? What would you do if you became me?”

I turned and gave Noir a droll look and she was busy inspecting the ceiling for faults in the architecture. “Due to some bullshit on Noir’s behalf, I literally did become you, Celestia, but that’s not the important bit. Do you remember when I told you that my darkness was more like Luna’s?” She nodded slowly. “Well, my darkness has evolved and my way of seeing things has changed, Hun. I have a better understanding of why you are the way you are, what you accomplish by being what you are, and I get that you’re… You. I accept you for what you are, Celestia, and I’ve been saying this from the beginning. I think you’re missing what I’ve really been asking of you, and the main thing is that I want to know if you’d be willing to betray me.”

Celestia furrowed her brow. “I don’t understand. I have betrayed you.”

I nodded. “And I’m asking if you’ve learned your lesson. Would you be willing to swear to never betray me again? I don’t mean a magical oath; I mean you put your word on the line, my respect for you and who you are.”

She tilted her head. “I understand what’s at stake, Maximus-”

“Do you really?” Luna and Noir asked at the same time.

Noir gave way to Luna. “Sister, Maximus is asking that you risk tearing apart the Equestrian Royal Family for the sake of love. If you truly do love him, then you’ll be swearing that you won’t mess with anyone’s mind for the sake of having him, that you’ll allow things to happen between yourselves naturally. I believe Max is asking if you trust yourself enough to love him.”

Noir weighed in. “It is a question that doesn’t need an answer right now, Celestia. If you say that you will never betray Maximus and you do so without a good reason, there is no going back, and I will kill you.”

I hit her. “Oi! She won’t die for good anyway.”

Noir raised a brow. “There are ways to make immortals stay dead.”

I rolled my eyes. “Way to bring some death into an already tense moment. Really; good job.”

Noir placed her hands on my shoulders and worked the muscles. “My love for you runs deep, Maximus. I would be willing to swat Twilight out of this life if she ever hurt you like Celestia has, even if you try to end my life for it.”

I put my hands on hers. “Thanks Blackberry, but can you not fuck with my fiance? I’m pretty sure you’d get me before I could get you, but I wouldn’t really want to be heartbroken in two ways anyway.”

Celestia coughed. “Max, if you’re quite finished.”

I blushed. “Sorry.”

She nodded. “Maximus, I promised myself that I would never hurt you as I have ever again, and I trust myself enough to be around you without claiming you for my own. I understand what you're asking of me, and I can say in sound mind and body that I will never willingly or willfully betray you in a manner beyond pulling harmless pranks. I’ve learned my lesson.”

I gave her a smile. Her words were as true as they were ever going to get. “You’re still going to answer all of my questions, are you?”

Luna made an irritated noise and Celestia gave me a shy smile, something I wasn’t expecting to see from her. “Perhaps you could try one now? I… I’ll answer it to the best of my abilities.”

I looked at Noir and she nodded, so I looked to Luna and she shrugged. “Alright. There aren’t really going to be many secrets between the people in this room, so let’s start off with your first time. What was that like?”

Celestia tilted her head. “My first time as in sex, killing, addresses, torture…?”

“Let’s start with sex.” I said , scratching my head.

“It was only memorable because the fellow I slept with wasn’t long enough to pierce my hymen.” Celestia said dryly.

I tried to suppress my smile, but Noir and Luna were openly chuckling. “Alright, so it was a little disappointing.”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Rather. The only thing that makes me happy about it is that the next fellow was far more satisfying, though I only remember that it was better. Are we moving onto my first kill?”

I nodded. “We can.”

She sighed. “My first kill was a stallion named Alum. Luna and I were orphans under his care and he was not a kind man. Luckily, I wasn’t his type, but he made advances toward another young girl that he’d adopted, so I ended up killing him when I heard him begin to come after her, as it were. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you what he was doing, but I got him before he could do it, thankfully.”

“Huh. Rapist dies to young, murdery teen. Who woulda thunk it.” I said, mildly surprised. “So what was your first Royal Address like?”

“Terrifying.” She and Luna chorused. Celestia sighed and said, “When we took over Discord’s castle, things were in such disarray, and we weren’t even planning on becoming royalty, to be honest with you. We were just the only Alicorns left and thus the only two powerful enough to face them, or rather, we could wield the Elements of Harmony and stood a decent chance at taking him down. After we took Discord out, those that had been under his rule were lost for a leader and Luna and I were the only real options that anyone had. We were thrust into the position, so our first Royal Address consisted of a lot of stuttering and a few misspoken words.” She chuckled at the memory.

Noir huffed. “It sounds better than mine. My first Address was a war cry over the screams of the dying.”

Everyone stared at her. “You’re a morbid bitch, you know that, Noir?” I told her.

“You have said so multiple times.” She sighed. “Perhaps I’ll try to lighten up now that I will be among the living.”

I reached up and poked one of her breasts a few times through the thick, ancient looking dress she was wearing. “You should try that.” She grabbed my hand. “Why are old clothes so damn thick? Seriously, we’re getting you some comfortable clothes when we go to Ponyville.”

“We can work on that tomorrow. I will require your funds to buy myself many sports bras.” Noir sighed happily and I heard her shifting something. “You have no idea how uncomfortable a four thousand year old brazier is.”

Celestia and Luna winced. “I remember that they used to be just plain awful.” Celestia said. “I’m so glad fashion evolved.”

I raised a hand. “Same here. I like the new stuff.”

Luna gave me a look. “What is a ‘sports bra’?”

Noir clopped a hoof on the ground. “Oh, it is easily one of my favourite inventions from Max’s world! They are elastic braziers that hold breasts and don’t allow them to… ‘flop about’.” Noir cuffed my head.

“Oi! It just sounds funny, so stop hitting me for my thoughts! I didn’t even say anything!” I protested.

The other ancient bitches in the room laughed at my pain. “Perhaps you should control your thoughts?” Luna suggested with a grin. Perhaps I should fist your arse?

Noir hit me again. “No one is fisting anyone.”

“Fucking hit me again and I’ll throw you across the room!” I threatened, looking up at her.

I saw her draw her hand back, so I turned on my True Theft, reached through space, and grabbed her tail, giving her pause. I pulled her through Dimension B into Dimension A and had her sitting in my lap a moment later. I wrapped my arms around her and peeked around her since I couldn’t see over her shoulder.

“I swear, if someone doesn't train this fucking Amazon, I’m going to have to spank her.” I said irritably.

Noir swiveled in my lap, but I couldn’t see past her fucking tits anyway. She leaned back a little bit and I leaned the other way so I could see Celestia and Luna. “It may take me some time to readjust, but at least I learned to use the common methods of speech while I was within Luna.”

“You still don’t use contractions.” I pointed out.

“Those who use them are linguistically lazy.” Luna huffed.

Celestia gave her a look. “You use them.”

Luna shrugged. “I never said I wasn’t lazy.”

The four of us carried on doing nonsensical things for awhile until Celestia had to go lower the Sun, and Luna followed soon after to raise the Moon. They told us that we could go back to Ponyville since they were sure that I wanted Noir to meet Twilight in person. I thanked them for that and we left shortly after, but Noir just Shadow Dived us into the Treebrary since we were going to be seeing Twilight tonight anyway. I dragged Noir outside so we could properly knock since I wasn’t alone and I didn’t want to just teleport into someone’s house uninvited. Noir stood around adjusting her bra until I asked if she would rather go home and take it off, but she maintained that having it off would be a lot worse since the dress was itchy. We bickered back and forth about which was worse: being itchy or being pinched. While I was making a point that itchy nipples weren’t really all that bad, Spike answered the door and I stopped myself a bit short.

“Wotcher, little brother. How’s the night going?” I asked.

He held up a hand and made a so-so gesture. “Could be better, could be worse.” He looked at Noir and opened his mouth to say something, but the blush that was quickly forming on his face and the sheer shock on his face was pretty amusing.

I waved a hand in front of his face. “I see you’ve noticed my friend here. This is Noir, and no, you can’t touch them.”

Spike blinked a couple times. “Can I have a cookie?”

Noir titled her head. “I do not have any cookies, young Spike. I must say, it is nice to finally meet you. Max has told me much about you.” So that’s how we’re handling this.

“Uh…” Spike continued to stare.

I snapped in his face a couple times. “Oi, stop ogling my mentor and let us in already.”

Spike stood there until I blew in his face. He shut his eyes and rubbed them. “I’m sorry, I zoned out. What?”

“Mate.” I groaned. “Is Twilight home? I’d like to see her.”

“Yeah, she just went to bed, but I’m sure that she’ll be happy to see you and your… Friend.” He said awkwardly, looking up to Noir.

I waited for him to step aside, and after a few seconds, he finally let us in. I asked Noir to have a seat on the couch and had Spike keep her company for a moment. I heard him awkwardly ask if she liked cookies and tried not to die of laughter on my way upstairs. When I got to Twilight;s door, I knocked a few times and waited for an answer, but I didn’t get one, so I let myself in silently and smelled that she was doing something awfully nice. I entered and blocked as much light from entering the room as I could, sauntering over to Twilight’s bed, though if she was paying attention I would’ve been caught outright. I knelt next to her bed while she was on the side with her lamp, looking at pictures and touching herself while looking through the scrapbook of nudes and boudoir photos I’d made for her before I’d left for Earth. I was rather touched that she actually used the thing, so when I carefully climbed onto the bed without disturbing anything too quickly and snuggled up next to her, I was even happier to find that she’d been looking at the two pages that I myself was most fond of.

“I really liked those myself.” I whispered in her ear.

Twilight jolted hard and froze, slowly turning her head to face me. I gave her a smile and she lifted a hand from the covers, but before she could wipe it off, I grabbed it and licked her juices off of them. “I brought a friend, but she can wait. Let’s take care of this real quick, okay?” I said seductively.

Twilight stared at me for a few moments, blinking like she was trying to draw out the process for as long as possible before nodding slowly. I let myself under the covers, had myself some Twi-wine, and cleaned up the mess I’d made. My tongue had seen more work in the past day than it had in the past two weeks, but it was well worth it to be back home, and when I came out of the covers to kiss Twilight, she returned it happily. I didn’t waste too much time, however, since Noir had telepathically told me that Spike was starting to make her a little uncomfortable with his obvious staring at her lovely lady lumps. I sighed to myself and Twilight asked what was wrong and I told her that Spike was being a horny little teenager, which made her ask how I knew. I just smiled and had her get ready for some company before headed downstairs alone.

I rounded the corner and entered the library proper. “Oi! Spike, quit gawking at my mentor before I dropkick you.” I said irritably.

He jerked his eyes away from her breasts and they locked on me, his whole face turning cherry red. “I-I wasn’t gawking, I swear!”

I gave him a look and he looked down. Noir coughed. “So where is Twilight?”

“She’s coming. I’m about to call Nashoba, so sit tight a mo’. I said, already heading toward the door.

“I wait with baited breath!” Noir chuckled.

I called for Nashoba and about two minutes later, I heard her rushing through town, slowing down to meet me in front of Twilight’s stoop. “Hello, Max. I assume you’re done with your time in the Everfree.” She said matter-of-factly.

“Sure am, pupper. Come on it, there’s someone I want you to meet.” I grinned.

“Is it the ghost in that thing on your hand?” Nashoba asked tersely.

I looked at it. “...Uh… Wow, I kinda forgot about Jovia. Yeah, no, I have someone else I want you to meet, but I guess I could introduce you guys in a bit too.”

“I have no desire to talk to a shade that isn’t a Wolfmother.” She said bluntly.

I pursed my lips. “Okay then. Well, how about you come in and see someone alive?”

She trotted up the steps and opened the door, not bothering to wait for me, so I followed her and saw Twilight coming down the stairs, so I gestured for her to hurry up. When she was down, we walked into the living room together and found that Nashoba and Noir were sitting together on the couch. Nashoba had laid her head on Noir’s lap and my mentor was stroking her ears with a small smile on her face while Spike was eyeing them carefully.

“I see you two are already on good terms.” I beamed.

Noir and Nashoba looked at me. “We sensed kindred spirits within each other. Nashoba is a lovely Wolf, Max. Her ferocity is best experienced in person, however.”

“This woman has yet to tell me her name, but I like her. The Wolfmothers gather in respect.” Nashoba licked her chops.

“Really? Well, you did say she was a companion to… Shira, I think.” I hinted.

Twilight grabbed my hand. “Max, aren’t you going to introduce us properly?”

I grinned and Nashoba snorted, but let me speak. “Twilight, Spike, Nashoba. This is Noir, my friend, mentor, and tormentor.”

Twilight’s head turned and she looked at me. “Max,” She whispered, “I don’t mean to discredit you-”

“This is Noir. Shira has confirmed it.” Nashoba interrupted. “It is nice to meet another companion of the Wolfmothers.”

Noir kept rubbing her ears. “It’s nice to meet another Wolfmother. You know, Shira was a bit more respectful than you.”

“She was also more warlike, so bite your tail.” Nashoba huffed.

Twilight gaped. “B-But… Wasn’t- Noir, I mean, it’s good to see you, but weren’t you… You know… Basically just a soul?” She finished weakly.

Noir nodded. “I was, but I am sure that you remember that my body was crafted into the Alicorn Amulet, do you not?”

Twilight held a hand to her face. “But…”

I gave her a goofy smile and kissed her cheek. “I learned how to use my True Magic and it was the first thing I thought of when I found out that I could move souls. I stole Noir’s body from the amulet and ripped her out of me so she could walk among us once more. We’ve got another Alicorn in town, Cherry!”

Twilight remained silent for a bit, so Noir spoke. “It is an honor to meet you in person, Twilight Sparkle. If I’m not mistaken, we haven’t spoken since before you became a Princess and I would like to congratulate you, but first and foremost, I would like to tell you that I am no threat to your relationship with Max. We had our fun, we decided that it would be the first and last, so do not fret.”

My fiance blushed brightly. “W-Well, it’s just that… You know… You just, well, you’ve been inside of Max and you know him better than anypony else in the room…”

Nashoba lifted her head and hopped onto the floor, leaving Noir’s company. Noir put her hands in her lap and said, “I assure you that Max and I had no choice in the matter, though I will say that I would not trade my time with him for anything in this world. You are lucky, Twilight Sparkle, to call him your own. And you, Nashoba, will not be replaced by me in his heart. I am his mentor, but I can never be his companion in the way that you are.”

I cleared my throat. “Noir is right. Each of you has a place in my heart that none of you will ever be able to trespass into. Nashoba, you’re my closest companion and that’s all there is to it.” I looked at Twilight. “Cherry, you already know that you’re the only one for me.”

Twilight blushed and looked down. Nashoba looked at Noir. “Max and I hunt together. Do not tread on my territory.”

Noir raised a brow. “I would hope to hunt with you, just the two of us sometime.”

My pupper blinked a couple of time and Twilight held my arm. “...You do realize that hunting involves eating prey as well, yes?” Nashoba asked.

Noir gave her a look. “I eat meat, you pup. Think, will you?”

Twilight shook gently, so I whispered, “She’s not going to eat you.”

Nashoba seemed disturbed. “...I was not aware that Ponies even could eat meat.”

“I assure you that we can and I am rather fond of it. Speaking of which.” Noir looked at me. “May I try your Alligator meat, my pupil? I am hungry.”

I shrugged and activated my True Theft, stealing it from the Everfree. I tossed the piece over to her and she caught it with magic before taking it in her hand and giving it a shot. She made a ‘Not bad.’ kinda face. “It’s rather good.”

“I’m particularly fond of it. I think it’s actually my favourite kind I’ve had so far.” I said happily.

Twilight made a noise. “Am I really the only herbivore in this room?”

I looked around. “Yup.”

Spike raised a hand. “I’m so lost right now.”

“Noir was Nightmare Moon’s good sister who was trapped inside of her after a deal with a devil, but when Nightmare Moon lost her body, they ended up finding refuge in Luna. Nightmare Moon drove Luna crazy with envy, you know that bit of the story so I’m skipping it, but when Luna came back, Nightmare Moon and Noir were still in her body, though Nightmare was weakened. Noir and Nightmare chilled out in Luna for a few years until I came around, and when Applejack killed me,” His jaw dropped, “Luna brought me back to life with really dark magic, and when she did so, Noir ended up slipping into me, and she’s been inside of me up until today. I didn’t learn that she was inside of me until the day before I confessed my undying devotion to Twilight, so she’s been in me for awhile now and when I meditate, I’m usually going to see her for a spell. We used to do stuff within my mind like wrestle, shoot bows, play games from my world, go rafting, and more recently, Noir taught me how to use the Dark Magic that she was giving me. Now that she’s not inside of me, I don’t have that magic anymore, but I’m just glad I can share my mentor with the world now.” I rattled off rapidly.

“...What.” Spike said numbly.

Twilight let go of me and pressed her fingers against her temples. “I knew all of that, but you just said it so fast!”

“It was a rundown! What was I supposed to do, say it slowly?” I asked.

“Yes.” Everyone else chorused.

“Fuck you guys.” I muttered, flushing.

Spike raised his hand. “So… Is Noir older than Luna?”

Noir cleared her throat. “I precede Celestia and Luna by at least two thousand years. I was actually a Queen.”

I nodded. “Yeah, she’s cool as shit, dude. If you can stop staring at inappropriate places when you’re talking to her, you could stand to learn a good deal of pre-Equestrian history from her.”

Spike lit up and Twilight gasped. “Spike! I thought Max was kidding! Don't tell me you were ogling her!”

Spike raised his hand. “I-I wasn’t-”

“Bullshit.” I coughed.

He glared at me, his face still red. Noir cleared her throat. “I take no offense, Twilight. It is nice to know that young men think I am attractive.”

Spike choked and I chuckled. Nashoba put in her two cents. “Pups should not be lusting after matriarchs.”

Spike sputtered like someone had just slapped his shit and I started laughing. I may have been experiencing a bit of schadenfreude, but his embarrassment was some tasty shit, in my defense.

The night ran long and we ended up taking the party over to my house, though Spike decided to stay his happy arse at home when we mentioned coming to my place so Noir would have a proper place to sleep. He actually threw something at me when I suggested that he and Noir share a bed, but the look Noir threw me had a much bigger effect and that made me stop laughing. She threatened to make me do more training if I kept up my nonsense and I told her that I would stop for the night, but she couldn't do anything to Nashoba who was all too happy to pick up where I left off. When Twilight expressed some discomfort about Nashoba jesting, I asked her to stop and that was the end of it until we went to my house. I ended up grabbing my shit from the Everfree with my True Magic and getting that stuff sorted, but when I went to start making dinner, Noir asked me if I had taken a bath in the last three weeks and I took the blatant suggestion because I really don’t like stinking.

I left the three most important women in my life to talk among themselves for about forty-five minutes while I went and got myself sorted, and when I came back, they were talking about me, so I held on and listened for a little bit. Noir told me that they were just mentioning some amusing things I do, but as I was listening, I heard Twilight mention that I talk in my sleep and asked what she should to help me. Talking in my sleep was news to me, and when she said that I often said things about murder (committing it and being murdered), Noir told her that she’d been trying to keep the worst of my nightmares under control, but that they were practically ingrained into my subconscious by now. She said that the issue was going to be taken care of, but that tonight was going to be a bit rough for me unless Luna fulfilled her promise and I sighed. I wasn’t trying to hear that shit, so I came downstairs with a smile on my face and asked my ladies how things were going.

Then Jovia popped out.

She floated around me in circles for a little bit before settling next to Noir since they were dressed in similar styles and Noir asked her how she was. Jovia was feeling pretty jovial since she’d basically just been sleeping on and off while I was in the Everfree, but when Nashoba growled at her, that general air of happiness wavered until she remembered that she didn’t have to be tangible. Jovia stuck her tongue out at Nashoba when she growled at her and I told them both to play nice before using my magic to grab a bottle of whiskey and a couple of tumblers for myself and Noir. Twilight was about to ask for some wine, but I was in the process of getting it for her when she asked, so she got her own wine glass and we started drinking from there. I let Nashoba have some of my cheaper whiskey since I had more of it, but I reminded myself that I was going to have to restock since I was actually running low on alcoholic beverages. I made a plan with Twilight to do that tomorrow and she said that she wanted me to get some wine along with the liquor, so I told her that I would.

I shared a few bowls with Twilight and Noir, but my mentor and I were pretty lit after two since Noir had never actually smoked before and my tolerance had fallen through the floor again. Nashoba got a nice little contact buzz and we found out that ghosts can’t get high, but Jovia did, however, keep the conversation going and I learned a good deal about her, like that she still didn’t like Luna much and that she was one of Celestia preferred maids when she’d been alive. She didn’t remember much, but she didn’t let it get her down, instead focusing on the fact that she had a fun master to follow now.

I asked why she referred to me as her master and Noir explained that it was the nature of the bond I shared with her now. Jovia is mine. She just is. I refuse to treat her as anything other than a person, however, and said as much to her, which was met with approval across the board. Noir took the time to explain that I’d made Jovia into a Poltergeist, though the way the magic was applied had made her into a benevolent one that probably wasn’t going to be much good in a fight. I shrugged and accepted it for what it was since I didn’t really want to have an angry slave tied to my soul, but then Jovia levitated me and gave me a hug, thanking me for giving her the ability to sleep and touch things again. I hugged her back a bit awkwardly since I hadn't been expecting it, and Twilight pulled us apart when Jovia didn’t let go. An evil part of me suggested that she hug Twilight since she was softer and my fiance was happy enough to be hugged by a nice being with good intentions.

Jovia eventually got tired of being around and requested that I call on her whenever I felt the need to before diving back into my ring for another round of continuous napping. Nashoba was happy to have her gone and left shortly after we ate dinner, stating that she had some business to attend to. Noir said that she was unsure of what room to take, so I suggested that she not take Crimson’s and she hit me for that, but it was worth it. Twilight suggested that she take the room next to mine since it was actually the second largest (she measured) and Noir was perfectly fine with that, so I designated it as her room forever and always, but she just scoffed and said that she would rather have a room at my new place when it came.

I didn’t stop asking what the fuck she’d meant until she threatened to pummel me.

Twilight and I stayed in the living room for a little while to experiment with my True Theft, but when I told her that I could snatch fire from the Sun, she asked me to get her a stone from the moon and I did, though we had to go outside and look at it for me to do so. I brought her back a little one and she held it like it was a large precious gem, babbling about how cold seemed to radiate from it like it was some strange kind of mineral called Dwarf Ore. I said that it might be and she said that it was a prized mineral, and that if I could really just pluck it from the ether, that we could have been wealthy enough to keep our families fed until Equestria fell due to a meteor strike or something. That could’ve happened at that exact moment, so I told her to stop mentioning bad things and she shut up long enough to get us our journals.

Of course, I wrote up until literally this point. Shit was cash, but reading over this, my life is fucking weird. No doubts. I’m so happy at the moment. So, so very glad I was able to free Noir from her prison, and there really are no words to describe what that means to me that she’s here. The only thing I think can possibly compare would be the day I get married to Twilight, learning that I don’t have to be a Prince anymore and that The War isn’t happening, or that I could see Twilight in Human form. Wait… I just asked Twilight if she knew a spell that would allow her to do that and she said that she would look into it with Trixie sometime, so I might have something to look forward to. That being said, I kinda look forward to seeing what the world has in store for me as far as the next few days. I’m sure they’ll be interesting in a good way.

Until then, I suppose.

Author's Note

Writing this Chapter was fun. I've had plans to have Noir come into the Physical Plane ever since I introduced her, but until I came up with Max's True Magic, I had no way to get her in. Things like that are why I write. Things work themselves in a way that I just can't explain, and it's fun to write when they do come out. Of course I wrote this chapter a few weeks ago at the time of its release, but seriously: Shit's dope af.

Max's replacement power most likely isn't going to be mentioned any time soon. I know what it is and I'll remember that it's there, but it's a secret to everybody.

As Always, RIP HER FROM YOUR SOUL

Stay Cool, Kids

Chapter Forty-Seven: A Little Too Far
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Forty-Seven: A Little Too Far

Chapter Forty-Seven: A Little Too Far

Having Noir in my house was and still is the coolest shit ever, though explaining her presence to Crimson in the morning was a little difficult since I had to give him the rundown of why she was there in the first place, and that involved explaining and awful lotta shit. Like, I mean, not just how Noir got inside of me, but my True Magic and how I became an Alicorn-Abomination were also involved and neither of those are terribly short stories. Twilight was right there with me in explaining things, but some of what I said was news to her to, so I also ended up explaining how I unlocked my True Magic in the first place and neither of them understood what the fuck I was talking about. I wasn’t about to explain Quantum Physics to them, but at the very least I could explain Atomic Theory because I kinda understood it.

I ended up talking to Twilight about atoms and how they worked for an hour while Crimson and I got breakfast put together, but when we were getting everything plated, Twilight asked where Noir and I told her that she was most likely still asleep. I used my connection with Noir to ask and didn’t get a response, so I asked my fiance if she cared to wake her up for me. Twilight happily agreed, but after a few minutes, Twilight came back downstairs in a panic, stating that Noir just wasn’t waking up. I asked if she’d tried slapping or water and I she gave the most ‘What the fuck is wrong with you?’ look I’d ever gotten from her. I rolled my eyes and grabbed a glass of water, put some ice in it, and reached through space to dump it on Noir. In fairness, It was already cold as fuck inside the house. At least, to me it was cold. Twilight and Crimson said that they felt fine, but I was actually pretty chilly.

I heard Noir's heart go absolutely mad from the kitchen. I fucking died until I heard furious hoofsteps coming down the stairs. Twilight asked me why I’d suddenly gotten paler and I asked her if she could teleport me to the Treebrary for a little bit. Twilight gave me a look and told me to just Shadow Dive there, but I reminded her that I couldn’t do that anymore. Twilight just shrugged and told me to deal with my consequences while Crimson chuckled from the kitchen table. Noir closed in quickly and while she was coming to the bottom of the stairs, I decided to try something that I’d meant to look into yesterday, but hadn't gotten the chance to do. I activated my True Theft, reached into the Treebrary and tried to make my hand come back out behind me. I felt me grab my collar just as Noir locked eyes with me and I panicked hard, jerking myself through space, though when I pulled myself out of the kitchen, I saw some shit.

Now, if you’re reading this, there’s a certain part of Ant-Man that I’m going to have to show you. If you’re somehow a Human in Equestria, then One: Good fucking luck, mate. Two: Think of the scene where Paul Rudd shrinks between the molecules and goes into that one dude's suit and basically sends himself into sub-atomic space. That's what I saw, and boy was that shit ever trippy. I was there for what felt like an hour, but when I popped out in the Treebrary, I checked my pocket watch and saw that it was probably within seconds of me leaving.

It was weird, but at least I can kinda teleport.

My relief didn’t last long because as I was patting myself on the back (Literally. I can do that.), Noir rose from my shadow and she did not look happy with me. I offered her a smile and spread my arms. “Blackberry! Good morning!”

She grabbed me by my face and snarled. “The first sleep I get in five thousand years. Five. Thousand. Years. Ruined. Maximus, I will EAT YOU.”

“... I love you?” I said meekly.

Noir continued to glare at me. “The next time you dump water on me to wake me up, I am chopping. It. Off.”

“Still loving you here.” I tried.

“Maximus, I will stir-fry your penis and make you eat it.” She growled.

“Loving you a bit less.” I said shakily.

She gave me a peck. “How about now?”

“The love’s coming back.”

She let me go and huffed. “That was very inconsiderate of you.”

I rubbed my face. “It’s not my fault you’re a heavy sleeper. Do you wanna go get breakfast, or do I need to apologize?”

“I would like an apology.”

“Blackberry, I’m sorry for waking you up in the most effective manner.” I atoned solemnly.

Noir hit me. “I swear, if this is how you are going to be every day, I am going to recede back into your mind so I do not have to deal with you.”

I tilted my head and rubbed my arm. “How does that make any sense?”

She gave me a longsuffering look. “Because, my simple pupil, if I am in your mind, you cannot speak to me easily.”

“Oh? Do you wanna test that out, or do you wanna shut up and make sure I don’t drive you back to insanity again?”

She rolled her eyes. “I could always just kill you.”

I grabbed her boobs. “I could always just molest you.”

As she was about, to speak, Spike said, “I can’t even look, but you can just grab them whenever!?”

Noir and I looked at him. “Shut up, Spike. She was literally inside my mind. We’ve had sex. She touches the Ol’ Chap like she’s just grabbing a banana for a snack.”

Noir bent down a bit and grabbed my gentleman’s sausage to prove the point and Spike lit up. “...I’m just gonna go…”

When he left, my mentor and I had a chuckle before she teleported us back to my house. Breakfast was lukewarm when we got back and Twilight was surprised that I didn’t have a black eye or something, but when she mentioned it, Noir made it happen so I cussed both of them out. Crimson laughed the entire time, so I wet a finger and used my True Theft to jam it up his nose, which made me feel better and Noir laughed, so I wet a different one and jammed it in her ear. She just glared at me and Twilight coolly raised a brow at me, not amused at my antics at all since she’d been sobered considerably by being sworn at so thoroughly. She calmly told me that if I did something similar to her, that I wasn’t going to be getting a favour any time soon, and before Noir could tell Twilight to stop talking, she carried on and said that I needed to stop being so childish. I was in for a proper scolding, but my eye hurt and I didn’t feel like dealing with it, so I skipped the threats and stuck a finger in a very private area that only I am allowed to access most of the time. Twilight lit up bright red and shut her trap. I asked if she had anything else to say on the matter and she shook her head.

I called a truce and declared a ceasefire in the kitchen. No pranks, no punching, no offense use of my magic. Everyone agreed, though Noir and Crimson still flipped me off as they tried to get my spit out of their respective orifices. I thought it was amusing, but like I said, my fucking eye hurt, so I wasn’t laughing. Breakfast was eaten in relative silence until I apologized for putting my fingers in places they didn’t belong, Noir apologized for blacking my eye, Crimson apologized for laughing at my suffering, and Twilight apologized for chastising me. After that, I told a few jokes and got a few chuckles, so the tension eased up a bit and once we were through with breakfast, I gave everyone a hug to show that there were no hard feelings.

Then I had the best idea ever.

I grinned and told it to the table and we agreed that it would be the best prank since the original whoopee cushion, though Twilight was rather against it. I told her that I could use an object instead of my fingers and she just sighed and told me to use my fingers. With that in mind, I started with Luna in mind and thought of her tongue, stroking it with my fingertip. Now that I think about it, I stroked her tongue with the same finger I’d stuck in Twilight. I wonder if she could taste it? Anyway, I quickly felt Luna try to work my finger out of her mouth, but she just couldn’t and I played with her tongue for a little while before I withdrew it. I tried Celestia next, and no: I didn't wipe my finger off or anything. I was giggling like mad while Noir and Twilight were using a Scrying spell to show off the results. Crimson was calling me a treasonous bastard, Twilight was giggling harder than I was, and Noir was having the time of her fucking life, crying and laughing as Celestia flubbed words and tried to get my finger out of her mouth like Luna had.

I asked if I should try something else and Twilight suggested that I pick her nose and put a bogie in her mouth, but just as I was drawing my finger back, Celestia held a finger up to the fellow she was seeing in Court and smiled falsely. I told everyone to fucking cram it and swore that I would break a snitch’s legs, but right as I finished looking everyone in the eyes, Celestia teleported in right beside me.

“Oh, not you fucking too!” I damn near shouted. “The fuck do you want?”

Celestia glared at me. “Who do you think you’re talking to?”

I pointed a finger at her and drew a breath like I was about to start yelling, but I put the finger down and ran a hand through my hair, letting the breath out in a huff. I took a couple steps away from her, put my hands on my head, and turned around. “Alright, I’m sorry. It’s been a rough morning. What brings you over?” I said, trying to sound like I was calming down.

Celestia stopped glaring. “I thought you might have been messing with me. I see that I was mistaken.”

I sighed and threw my hands out. “Yeah. I’m not. Is there anything else?”

Celestia glanced at Crimson, Twilight, and Noir, all of whom were looking at the ground or generally looking like they wanted to be anywhere but in my house. “...Max, is there something wrong?”

I glared at my housemates and lover. “Crimson, fuck off for the day. I don’t care what you do, just don’t do it here. Twilight, I love you, but I’m not looking at you right now. Noir, you might be able to kick my arse in a fair fight, but don’t you think for a fucking second that I won’t jam my foot so far up your arse that you cough up canvas.”

Crimson scratched his head. “... I guess I’ll get going.” And so he did.

Twilight looked confused. “I love you, amour.”

“I love you too. Go home.” I said tersely.

Twilight teleported out after a moment and Noir looked at me with her chin held high. “We will speak later, Maximus.”

“Bugger off.” I curled my lip.

‘I love you so much right now’ Noir said telepathically.

‘Feeling’s mutual, Blackberry’ I responded.

Celestia gave me a worried look when Noir teleported out. “Max, is everything okay?”

“My housemates are fucking wearing on me, Celestia. I go a little overboard with celebrating Noir coming back to Equus, one night, and they think I need a fucking intervention or something! I’m a grown-ass man, Celestia, and if I think my drinking’s getting out of control again, I’ll fucking handle it!” I said hotly.

She laid a hand on my arm tenderly. “Max, please. I don’t know if Crimson knows you that well, but Twilight and Noir wouldn’t gang up on you unless they were truly worried.” I glared at her. “...I suppose you don’t really want to hear that.”

Noir let me know that she’d collected Crimson and that she’d explained what was going on to Twilight and was casting another scrying spell so we could all keep our story straight. “You’re fucking right about that, Celestia. Fucking seriously, I know if I’m getting out of hand. Shit, it was literally one night! I just got back from the Everfree at that!”

Celestia looked like she wanted to hug me, so I rolled my eyes and came in for one. “Look, Max, I know it might not be what you want to hear, but they’re just looking out for you, okay? Can you even tell me what happened last night?”

I looked off to the side guiltily. “...No.”

“Then maybe you should slow down, let someone else moderate for you. I’m sure Noir would be great at judging when you’ve had enough.” She suggested.

I sighed and let go of her, giving her a look. “This really isn’t helping, Celestia.”

She gave me a sad smile. “Then I hope you’ll come around on your own. I need to get back to Day Court, but if you ever need a friendly ear…”

“I know Celestia. Thank you.” I said evenly.

She nodded and teleported away. When I was sure that she was gone, I threw my arms up and laughed my fucking arse off because I got away with it, clean and kosher. I didn’t celebrate by myself for long because Twilight, Crimson, and Noir came back rather quickly and Noir gave me a fantastic hug.

“That was well put together, Maximus! Very well done!” Noir praised.

She let me go and I faced Twilight with a grin. “So? What did you think?”

Twilight gave me a look. “You know Celestia probably thinks you have a drinking problem now, right?”

“Yeah, but at least she’s not sticking her hoof up my arse. Come on, you’re glad we got away with it too, aren’t you?” I poked her.

She tried looking upset, but she begrudgingly gave up the smile. “Alright, so you’re a phenomenal actor. I was so lost when you started shouting!”

Crimson chuckled. “I still don’t approve of you messing with the Princesses, but I see how you convinced Elfriede that you were a rebel instead of an assassin. How did you manage to trick Celestia so easily? I though she would’ve used a lie detecting spell or something.”

I raised a brow at him. “When did I lie? The story I told her was pure fiction, but she never asked if I was the one who was fingering her mouth.”

He gave me a funny look. “Your version of the truth is warped.”

I shrugged. “I try not to tell lies. I say half of the truth and omit the ugly bits.”

“Try it with me and I’ll be very upset, Max.” Twilight said firmly.

“You don’t pay enough attention for me to ever get caught.” I huffed.

“First, I do pay attention! Second-” My fiance started.

“Hey Twilight, one of my eyes is blue.” I cut in.

She looked at me like I was retarded. “Shut up Max.” She took the time to actually look. “...Oh.”

I rolled my eyes. “Second?”

“...Well, I was going to say that I trust you enough to not really worry about it.” She said, clasping her hands together.

I gave her kiss for being sweet. “Thank you, Cherry.”

“Why do you name your favored women after berries?” Noir asked.

“Well, I don’t think they really have anything to do with each other. Twilight blushes like a cherry and you smell like blackberries.” I explained

Noir looked at me funny. “I do?”

Twilight leaned over and sniffed her. “You smell like a normal mare to me.”

“What does Twilight smell like?” Crimson asked.

“Grapes and wine.” I answered. “How did you not know that I think you smell like blackberries?” I asked Noir.

She shrugged. “It never came up and I try not to intrude on what you think of me. I actively avoid any information that deals with me that comes from you.”

“Huh.” I said eloquently.

Twilight stood next to me and grabbed my hand. “So what are we doing today? Introducing Noir around town?”

Pinkie came out of a cabinet and stepped into my dining room with a donut in her hand. “The party’s going to be here at seven o’clock sharp, so make sure you’re back by then, okay?”

I gave her a look. “How many times do I have to tell you to stop breaking space in my house?”

She shrugged. “I dunno. If you spanked me, it might actually stick!”

I rolled my eyes and Crimson coughed. “Uh, Pinkie. How long have you been in there?”

“I dunno. I don’t keep track of time too good.” Pinkie sneezed and confetti came out.

“You used that one already.” I said casually, looking at the mess I was going to have to clean up.

Pinkie went to sneeze again. “I swear to fucking God, if you sneeze glitter, you’re doing the cleaning!” I warned.

She stopped and started pulling a handkerchief from her mosquito bites. There was another tied to the first one, and another tied to the second one, and so on and so forth. “How about this!?” She yelled, rapidly removing the only reason she looked like she had breasts.

I gave my verdict. “Easier to clean up, so it’s fine.”

Pinkie nodded and climbed back into the cabinet once there was about fifteen meters of linen on my floor. Twilight sighed and Crimson looked at me. “Seriously?”

I shrugged, knowing what he meant. “The girl’s talented, mate.”

He sighed and pinched his nose. “I’m going to go take a walk. I’ll see you all at seven.”

“Later, Licorice Lad.” I said. He gave me a look.

“Licorice Lad?” Twilight asked. “I kinda like it.”

Crimson groaned and left. I was tempted to put a finger in his arse, but he might not have been as opposed to the idea as I might’ve hoped, so I left it out for the time being. “So. Who wants to prank Cadance and Shining too?” I asked.

Noir lifted a hand and Twilight looked uneasy. “I don’t know, Max. Shining isn’t fond of pranks.”

“It’ll be harmless! I’ll just poke him from a bunch of directions and it’ll be funny to watch him freak out.” I said innocently.

Twilight thought about it for a moment and cast the Scrying spell. Noir cast another so we could have multiple angles to work with, and so I started poking and prodding Shining while he was barking orders to a bunch of guards. I started by lightly tugging on his mane, which made him whirl around with a fist ready to deck whoever had dared to mess with him. There was no one to be upset with, so I tapped his back and he whirled around again. I tugged on his tail, palmed his arse, stuck a finger in his mouth, poked his eye (gently), tickled his throat, and gave him a wet willy and stuck my finger up his nose. The fellow was furious beyond belief, but Twilight was laughing too hard to care and Noir was too busy dying on the floor to care about what happened next until I told them both that I was going to drop ice down his trousers. They both watched carefully when I did it, and when Shining felt it, he went bright red and started doing the funniest little dance to try and get the ice cubes away from HIS cubes. Unfortunately for him (luckily for us), his trousers were far too tight for his own good and he had to fish them out in front of a good number of men and women who were having trouble holding back laughter of their own. Shining teleported away and the scene shifted after a few seconds of latency to find him talking to Cadance.

He was going on and on about there being some sort of perverted, prankster ghost in their castle and Cadance was just giving him the oddest look like he’d finally lost his mind or something. I asked Twilight permission to do the next thing and she gave it happily, so when I stuck a finger in Cadance’s honeypot, we waited for her to react. She froze and sat stock still, so I wiggled my finger about and she lit up so brightly, she easily could’ve been mistaken for a Pony shaped Christmas light. I wasn’t done quite yet, so I split my focus a little and eased my middle finger into the back door and she hopped off of her throne, holding the front and the back, absolutely losing her shit while Noir, Twilight, and myself all lost our shit. After a minute of that, I removed the finger from Cadance’s pussy and put it in her mouth, and once she realized that she was tasting herself, she tried her damndest to get my finger out of her mouth. I felt bad for her, so I removed it, but I didn’t feel all that bad for her. I decided that she’d done enough fucking of Shining’s arse to warrant a little of her own and added a second finger to her bum and that almost made her start crying, so I stopped messing with her entirely and had Twilight and Noir shut down their Scrying spells before she actually could. Thankfully I’d recognized it before Twilight could, saving myself some thorough chiding, but Noir still gave me a tongue lashing mentally that I had to try and be serious for.

I asked if there was anyone else either of them wanted to prank, but before they could say anything, one person came to my mind. Noir’s dark smile coupled with my own made Twilight a little nervous, so I told her that she could skip this one, but that it was going so happen one way or another since I could get away with it. Twilight decided to stay, and when Noir pulled up an image of Chrysalis in a strange looking castle of black stone. Now, I’m a little ashamed to say that my first thought was to punch her in the face, but I had too my witnesses for that, so I just made a stop in my kitchen and got a handful of grapes. Twilight asked what they were for and I showed her, placing one in the back of Chrysalis’ throat. The Bug Queen screwed up her face and I’m sure she inhaled the wrong way because she started choking. I wasn’t trying to actually kill her, so after five seconds of that, I poked the grape out of her windpipe and into her mouth and she spat it out, looking at the thing like it had come from nowhere, which it technically had. A few of her servants asked if she was alright, and as she was telling them about the grapes, I put another one in her mouth.

Noir started chuckling at the sheer level of ‘What the fuck?’ on Chrysalis’ face, but there was more to come. She spat that grape out and I filled her mouth with seven of them at once and she spat those out too before I popped one into the other hole. It was pure guess work, and I didn’t like what I felt when I did it, but the green blush on her face was priceless, so I suspended my disgust and added a few more, though Twilight asked what I was doing that was making her blush. I said that I was fermenting grapes and she didn’t understand that, so we moved on to our next ~~victim~~- target.

Elfriede was looking rather annoyed already, so I figured that she could do with some light pranking. I pulled on her tail a little bit, ruffled some feathers, and tugged on a claw or two before she let out a frustrated shriek and started swiping at the air. I patted her back a bit awkwardly she tried her best to cut my hand off, but I was too quick for her. I wasn’t trying to piss her off too terribly, so I decided that it would be best to move on to some of our friends or something since I was sure that torturing them would be amusing too. Noir suggested that we just keep it to royalty, so I asked if we should revisit the Royal Sisters, but when we Scryed them, Luna was talking to Celestia about a finger in her mouth and Celestia was saying the same thing, but I had the brilliant idea of copping a feel on Celestia first, then switching targets to Luna. I alternated between them, and when their horns lit up and they tried to catch me, I waited, washed my hands, and went back to stick my finger in their mouths. I let Luna taste Celestia this time around. I asked Noir to write me a note real quick, and when she had it in big, blocky letters, I dropped it in front of Luna and she caught it out of the air. She blushed and frowned deeply before showing it to Celestia. Twilight was rather curious as to what the note said since I hadn't actually vocalized my request to Noir, but neither of us told Twilight what was on the paper.

Celestia did it for us, however, and when the words, ‘I wanna see some hot, sister on sister action’ escaped her lips, Twilight gasped and hit me, stating that siblings should never be pressured into doing something like that. Luna obviously felt the same way because she cursed the being who wrote the note like no other. Moments later, Cadance popped in and started spilling her experiences, clearly shaking and quite terrified, though Shining was a lot more stoic about his troubles with the ghost. Celestia and Luna mentioned that they had just come to me, and when they got a certain look in the eyes, Noir teleported herself and Twilight back to the Treebrary and I grabbed the bottle of whiskey I’d been drinking last night. When they arrived a few moments later, I was sitting at my kitchen table staring at it like it had just done a fucking backflip.

Celestia came over and snatched the bottle away from me angrily. “Maximus! Seriously?”

I threw my arms up. “I haven’t even done anything yet!” I let my tongue get a bit lazy.

She gave me a sniff. “I smell alcohol on your breath, you liar!”

I glared at her. “I had a couple sips and stopped! I’m obviously not drunk!”

“The way your talking has told me otherwise. “This bottle was full when you started, wasn’t it?” She asked rhetorically.

Cadance put a hand on her shoulder. “Celestia, are there circumstances that I need to know about?”

Celestia stole my whiskey and continued glaring at me. “It would appear that Max’s drinking really is getting out of hand. Do we need to have a talk, Max?”

I curled my lip at her. “No. God, I wish I could Shadow Dive right now.”

Cadance tilted her head. “The thing you do when you teleport?”

Celestia nodded. “Max lost his Dark Magic, but that’s not important right now. What is important is that a Prince of Equestria seems to be heading down a dark path, again, like you didn’t learn your lesson the first time!”

I rolled my eyes. “Leave me alone, will you? Don’t you have actual royal shit to do?”

Celestia looked at Cadance, but neither of them said anything since they were totally ignoring the royal shit they had to do. Luna spoke up. “Maximus, have you been pranking today?”

Well, I just consider it fucking with people, so… “Arguing, yes. Pranking, no. I just got back from the murder forest. I don’t give a shit about pranking at the moment.”

Luna narrowed her eyes. “Did you violate Cadance today?”

I felt my heart skip a beat and I conjured up some false fury, rising from my seat at the table. “I don’t give a bloody fuck who you are, but dontcha ya fuckin’ dare come into my home accusin’ me of fuckin’ rubbish like that! Anythin’ I do to any woman is fucking consensual, and-”

Celestia and Cadance stepped between me and Luna. “...I don’t think Max has really had the time for pranking, girls.” Cadance said softly after a long moment of silence.

Celestia nodded. “I think our boundary-breaking prankster lies elsewhere. Max, we didn’t mean to upset you-”

“Just get the fuck outta my house already.” I said hotly.

Luna teleported and got in my face. “Can you use your magic for prankery, tricks, or to mess with people?”

I looked at her like she was retarded. “I don’t fucking know. Maybe? I could steal someone’s cake or something, but I don’t know what the fuck else I could use this shit for. I understand it, but I haven’t even had a full day to experiment with it yet!”

Luna levelled a glare at me and I decided to prove that I wasn’t doing anything. I didn’t know how much I could control the visible effects, but I was wearing a long sleeve shirt anyway, so I told them that I was going to go smoke a lot of weed, and as I was walking away, I stuck a finger in everyone’s arse and withdrew it after a moment. The three Princesses (And Shining who’d been silent the entire time), chased me into my living room and I whipped around, asking what the fuck their problem was, running about in my house like they were crazy. Luna immediately accused me of pulling some shit, so I took a few seconds to activate my True Theft and showed them that it was going to take awhile for my power to activate. Then I used it to throw an apple at Luna, though it was caught by magic. Celestia cast a truth spell on me and asked if I’d done it and I snapped at her, telling her that I hadn't done a damned thing and to get the fuck out of my house if they were just planning on accusing me of shit. Celestia huffed, Luna glared at a wall, Cadance apologized, and Shining kept his mouth shut. They left once more and I decided that nine in the morning seemed like a good cut-off for pranks and stole my bottle of whiskey back from Celestia.

I poured myself a drink and paired it with some coffee to help negate the strength both ways and the shit was good. I figured that I would call it ‘Fuck Juice’, though as I write this, Noir tells me that it’s a stupid combination and I’m a stupid guy for drinking it like it’s just regular coffee. I say otherwise, but I was doing something before that little tangent. Anyway, so Twilight and Noir came back to keep me company and that was nice, so I offered them drinks and they reminded me that it wasn’t even noon yet. I stared them both down and sipped on the bottle I’d reclaimed for Celestia, and what the fuck do you know? Celestia makes her third visit to my house and sees me with a bottle in my hand that I was sure she remembered taking from me.

I gave Celestia a wave. She glared at me. Noir came over and took the bottle from me. Twilight walked over and joined my side, so I licked her horn and she hit me. Celestia pinched her nose and sighed. “Max, stop drinking. Please.”

“Never!” I cried valiantly.

She gave me a look and I rolled my eyes. Twilight spoke before either of us could, however. “Celestia, Max doesn’t have a drink-”

I clapped my hand over her mouth. “And I’d like one right about now. Celestia, anything you take from me, I can take back, no matter where you put it, and if I really want something, I’ll fucking get it, one way or another, so don’t bother trying to hide my shit or have me barred from the local pubs. One way or another I’ll get my liquor, and there isn’t a damn thing anyone in this room can do to stop me.”

Celestia set her jaw. “I could always send you to the Moon until you learn to control yourself.”

Silence echoed harshly throughout the room.

“You fucking what, mate?” I asked incredulously.

Luna bristled. “Sister, I assure you that such a minor problem needs no such recourse.”

“I agree, Auntie Celestia. I’m sure Max is plenty capable of controlling himself.” Cadance added in nervously.

Twilight tugged at the hand I still had clamped over her mouth, but Noir shut her up with magic and said, “Perhaps we should show Max what a trip to the Moon looks like? After all, he seems very intent on going.”

I looked at Noir like she’d just stabbed me in the back. “You can’t be fucking serious! You act like me drinking a little more than I should is tantamount to a hostile takeover!”

Noir shrugged. “You do dumb things when you are drunk. Who is to say that you might not decide to steal our hearts and leave us to die slowly, taking power for yourself?”

Jaws dropped around the room and I hit Noir with my tentacle. It usually would’ve been just a hearty spank, but now seemed like a good time to hit her with something shaped like a door. She barely budged when I hit her, the metal soles of her shoes scuffing my hardwood floors. Noir looked down and fixed it before I could bitch at her in my head, but still. My point was not gotten across, so I made her float and she levitated me.I grabbed her hoof with my tentacle and she narrowed her eyes.

“Maximus, do not dare-” Noir started.

Celestia joined her in the air right as I gave Noir a brutal spin to end all spins. It most certainly was an evil thing to do, but before anyone could stay anything, I got Celestia going too. I looked at the rest of the ladies while Celestia and Noir were cursing me. “Anyone care to join them?”

Cadance shook her head, Luna looked amused, Shining looked horrified and a bit confused, and Twilight glared at me angrily, but she still couldn’t talk until Noir apparently got dizzy enough to lose her grip on her magic. Well, I know she did because I got dropped on my arse.

“It was Max all along! Max pulled the pranks! He’s the one who did whatever it was to everypony!” Twilight blurted.

I glared daggers at her and she rose in the air quickly before I set her spinning too, though I didn’t do it as severely as the others. I looked at Luna first since she was the biggest threat and she was just looking at me levelly, as if she didn’t really give a fuck anyway. I gave Cadance a goosy gander and she was obviously mad, but I wagged a finger at her and shook my head. Shining looked furious and marched over to me, opening his mouth to start shouting, but then he got set spinning too. I reminded myself to slow Noir down a little bit since she’d been making terrible noises and Celestia wasn’t far behind her, but I’d set Shining spinning faster than I’d done to Noir and fully intended on leaving him there, but then I remembered that I was going to have to clean up sick if I didn’t give it a rest, so I looked at Cadance and Luna while Shining was screaming his bloody head off like a pansy.

I looked to Luna. “I’ll steal something you want. I can give you a keepsake from the Moon, a piece of the Sun: anything. The only thing I refuse to do is kill something for the sake of getting it.”

Luna nodded. “I will allow you to get away with it just this once. I want a star.”

I raised a brow at her. “Do you know a spell that would make it weightless forever?”

She gave me an odd look. “I do. Why do you ask?”

“Stars are fucking heavy.” I replied simply. “Once it’s out of my hands, it could destroy the planet with its sheer gravitational force.”

Lulu blinked. “...Perhaps just a piece of a star.”

I nodded. “And so it shall be. Find something you want to put it in and come back.” I turned to Cadance and once she knew she had my attention, she walked up calmly and prepared to slap my shit.

I wasn’t about to let that happen, so I made her float and she panicked. “W-W-Wait! I-I forgive you!”

I made her come a bit closer and held a finger under her chin, looking her straight in the eyes. “Do you really?” I heard Noir made a terrible noise and held up a finger. “One moment.” I stopped Noir and slowed Celestia and Twilight down a bit more, but Shining was still going at full tilt. “You were saying.”

Cadance craned her neck to look at her husband. “A-Aren’t you going to slow Shining down too?”

I raised a brow. “No. He and his father hate me already and Twilight’s not telling me to stop. I see no reason to ease the suffering of someone who considers me an enemy.”

She gave me a pleading look. I rolled my eyes. “Fine, but it counts as Shining’s request.” I received an incredulous one. “Oi, he chose to start-”

Shining was sick all over my fucking house. Like, that shit went everywhere, and I do mean everywhere. No one was spared, but before anyone could start being ill from either the smell or the fact that they’d just been covered in sick, Luna cleaned it up with Magic. I gave her a thumbs up and she just shook her head, crossing her arms. I still didn’t stop Shining.

Cadance looked at him for a moment and back at me. “Let him spin.”

I gave her a look. “What for? So he can get sick all over something else?” I stopped him suddenly and he heaved, so Luna put him in a bubble. It was funny.

Cadance sighed. “So my forgiveness for a request?”

I nodded. “Specifically something physical that you may have always wanted, or something that you never thought possible to obtain.”

She hung in the air for a moment and Luna came over. “May I suggest that you choose a scale from Ignis? He would never give one to you willingly.”

Cadance’s eyes sparkled for a moment. “But Auntie Luna! It’s not just any Dragon’s scale!”

Luna raised a brow. “Of course-”

“Maximus, I am going to kill you.” Noir said weakly.

I reached through space and stuck my hand between her breasts, wiggling it about and making her giggle anemically, which made me chuckle. Luna gave me a look. “Maximus, what are you doing to her?”

“Tickling.” I answered, straightening up completely.

She gave me a look. “You mean like how you tickled our flanks, or do you mean actually tickling?”

“Well, I can describe it to you. It’s actually-” I started.

“Stop!” Noir cried rather pathetically. “That information is to stay between the two of us!”

I shrugged and kept doing what I was doing. “So I’m tickling her, but not a particularly sexy kind of tickling. It’s fun for both parties.”

Luna rolled her eyes. “I’m leaving to go find a proper container for my star fragment. Stop abusing people, sexually, physically, and emotionally while I’m gone.”

I gave her a look. “No. Go get your thing so I can get you your significantly cooler thing, yeah?”

Luna sighed and walked over to Celestia. She patted her cheek and received a gurgle as a response before heading out. I turned to Cadance. “So you want a scale from this Ignis guy?”

She nodded carefully. “Can you put me down first? Your levitation feels different that a normal Pony’s.”

I put her down like she asked, but when she went to go walk back over to Shining for a moment to check and see if he was okay, she winced. The fellow was dangling a bit above his own sick, though thankfully for him, there wasn’t a ton of it in there. Still, Cadance tried to get him and the sick out, but she just could, holding a hand to her mouth when she gave up. She didn’t seem sad or anything, just a bit frustrated.

“Need a hand, Candy Arse?” I asked.

She gave me a glance. “I do, but we need Luna to come back so we can get Shining out of the bubble.”

I stared at her until she turned around and looked at me. I rolled my eyes and just ‘stole’ him out of the bubble. He slurred some curses at me and burped. “I’ll set you spinning again, mate. I really will.”

Shining looked like he was about to start crying. “Noooooo” He moaned like a lil’ bitch.

Cadance kneeled down and held his head to her chest. “You’re okay, Snookums. I won’t let Max spin you anymore.”

“Fuckin’ stop me then. Like I give a shit.” I chuckled.

Cadance glared at me and I stopped tickling Noir long enough to finish a sentence. “Woman, I’ll put a finger in your ‘flank’.”

She lit up bright red. “I bet you’d like that you bucking pervert!” She snapped.

I shrugged. “Not really. It doesn’t do anything for me, but I would love to cop a feel. I won’t, but I’d like to.”

Twilight groaned some dissent, so I addressed her next. “I know you’re okay, so I’ll check on you in-”

Cadance turned my head and slapped me like I’d put two fingers in her arse without her permission. “Forgiveness officially given!” She huffed.

I rubbed my cheek and gave her a look. “Your forgiveness hurts, Cadance. I’d pretend to be more hurt, but I barely even felt that to be honest with you.”

I got a rise out of her. “Do you want it to hurt!?”

“Yeah.” I replied.

Cadance slapped me again, but a little harder this time.

“Hit me like a fucking woman, Cadance! Quit being soft!” I snarled.

She looked at me like I was crazy and Noir shut my mouth with magic before I could incense her further. I tried to turn around, but Noir was levitating me with my back facing her, so there was precious little I could do. ‘Maximus. We will speak later. Give your remuneration and stop doing what you’re doing.’ Noir said telepathically.

I realized what it was that I was doing, but I didn’t know why I was doing it, so I just sat and floated next to Twilight until I calmed down a bit. Cadance was still staring at me like I’d just asked her to fist me or something. Once I was out of that minor fit of insanity, I let my victims down easy since I didn’t need to see to use telekinesis, but Twilight was still woozy from the spinning. I’d expected her to come around faster since I’d gone easy on her, but she was still pretty well done in. My fiance hit me a couple times, but I didn’t really care, but having her push me away when I put my arms around her shoulders didn’t affect me as much I thought it would. It still twinged, but I practically shrugged it off, and from that, I immediately knew something was seriously wrong. Noir kneeled down and whispered something to Twilight that she didn’t share with me and my fiance huffed, clearly not impressed with what she had to say.

Celestia came over and picked me up by my arm rather roughly. “Maximus, you’ve earned yourself a punishment, and no, I don’t want a damn bribe.” She said harshly. “First you misuse one of the strongest powers on the face of the planet so you can bother Luna and myself. Then you practically violate Cadance and pick on Shining for the better part of thirty minutes, and when I come to you and ask for the truth, you lie to my face!” She boomed, using the full Royal Canterlot Voice. It made my ears ring.

Noir left Twilight’s side and put hands on our shoulders. “Celestia, please, this is not-”

Celestia glared at her with a fury that would have made lesser beings spontaneously combust. “Don’t you dare try to stop me, Noir.” She said lethally. “You may be older, but I guarantee that I am far, far too indignant to give so much as a rat’s tail about what paltry excuse you may have for this lying piece of shit right now.”

Noir nodded. “I am not excusing him, I am asking that you take a moment to calm yourself-”

“We are so far beyond that.” Celestia hissed, tightening her grip on my arm. It actually rather hurt.

I stayed silent because Noir wasn’t going to let me do something I would come to regret. “You know he meant no harm, Celestia. That is-”

Celestia’s grip grew tighter still as her hair flickered and flared like it was catching fire. “I don’t give a damn what he meant to do! How the buck I ever thought someone so ingrained in being such a lecherous, hypocritical, megalomaniacal foal would ever make a half-decent Prince, I’ll never know! Blueblood was better than this!”

Twilight stood next to Noir. “C-Celestia? Maybe we should take a breather-”

“No!” Celestia boomed, masking the crack. I don’t think she was paying enough attention to even feel it. “This- This- This bucking asinine foal has gone too far!”

I couldn’t make a noise. I thought it would hurt worse, but it really wasn’t all that bad. I was going to tell Noir about it, but I thought that it would piss her off more than it would help the situation, so I closed my mind off too her to the best of my abilities and tried not to revel in the sick pleasure.

Noir put her hand on Celestia’s. “Please, Celestia. I’m sure that once I can talk to Max, we can get to the root of the issue.”

Cadance nodded. “It’s like you always said, Auntie. Hot heads don’t solve problems, right?”

Celestia gave her one look and she was gone. Cadance teleported back and took Shining home, but she was back again in a few moments. While she was gone, Twilight took over and tried a different approach. “We’re not saying that you shouldn’t be mad, but Max has done worse things-”

Noir suddenly gripped Celestia’s arm. “I swear to the Heavens, if you don’t let go of my pupil right now, I will eviscerate you.” Her hair, while it had done the wavy flowing thing like Celestia’s usually did, but it had instantly burst into flames of blue that ranged from an Egyptian blue all the way to something indiscernible from a night with no Moon.

I guess she found out that Celestia broke my arm.

Celestia’s face contorted into a look of absolute indignation. “Take your hand off of me.” She seethed.

I shit you not, Noir’s eyes turned black when she said that. I don’t mean that the iris’ went dark, or that her pupils expanded a little bit further than they should have. No, Noir’s eyes became an inky kind of black that I’d never seen before, and I actually feared for Celestia’s eternal life.

‘Don’t do it, Noir. Celestia might rough me up a bit, but I rather do deserve it-’ I thought at her.

Noir didn’t respond to me. “You have three seconds.”

Celestia’s face seemed a bit more strained than it had been before, but she refused to lose to Noir in a battle of will. “Take. Your hand. Off.”

Apparently Noir was counting in her head because in the time it took Celestia to say that, Noir started doing her thing. I felt so bad for my former lover, but in fairness, Noir had given her plenty of warning, and while Cadance and Twilight were watching in shock as a figure on of them barely knew threatened what may have been the second most powerful being in existence, Noir walked her fingers up Celestia’s arm, leaving dark purple marks on her fur as she went along. Celestia stared in awe as her hand unfurled against her will, just as I’d known it would, and suddenly all the pain I should’ve been feeling hit me in the dick like it was a hungry duck and the Ol’ Chap was made of bread. In other words, I’d gotten the pain I desired, but when I opened my mouth to say that it hurt a little bit, nothing came out. Instead, I managed a hoarse whisper that didn’t really make much noise. I mean, I wasn’t exactly trying to howl or anything, but it was definitely an irritation.

Noir pushed me back a bit and stood in front of me. “Maximus is under my protection, Sola.”

The shock that had replaced Celestia’s anger was redoubled. Her hand was still forced into the open position as she spoke. “...How do you know that name?” She asked softly.

Noir’s mane was still a wreath of flame. “I know you as well as Lunaris always has. I have seen you through her eyes for thousands of years. If you have no secrets from her, you have no secrets from me.”

Celestia blinked a couple of times and remembered that she was supposed to be angry. “What did you do to me?” She demanded. She’s not telling you anytime soon.

“If you wish to punish Maximus, that is all well and good. Lay another hand on him and I will do to you what you do him. The only reason I have not done so yet is because he begs me to stay my hand.” Noir said, her tone low and lethal. She released her magic on me and I cleared my throat.

“So… How about that darn Manchester United, yeah?” I tried stupidly.

Noir didn’t move a single centimeter.

I stepped to Noir’s left side and held her hand. “Blackberry, I think we all understand that you’re the strongest in the room. Take a breath and let it go. I’m not even really in pain.”

She didn’t break eye contact with Celestia who said, “I don’t fear you, Noir.” Then you’re a fucking idiot.

Noir didn’t need to mince words. “I will show my strength when it is time.”

“And let’s all be on the same side when that happens, yeah?” I tried.

Cadance coughed and everyone looked at her. “Let’s keep everypony on the same side, okay? You’re the Noir that I met in Max’s dream right?” Noir nodded. “Alright. Then how about we agree on a punishment for Max’s prank-”

“He has been been punished enough.” Noir declared.

Celestia fumed. “He hasn’t been punished at all!”

Noir made me let go of her hand and gestured toward my arm. The shirt itself disappeared and now that I got a good look at it, it was kinda nasty. My shit was purple from the shoulder down, and it was looking pretty bad, all things considered. Like, there was actually blood permeating through my skin, and now that the dark shit I’d been wearing was gone, you could see the droplets rise to the surface, forming a perfect imprint of Celestia’s hand. Twilight gasped and went to touch it before thinking better of it and Cadance paled. I looked to Celestia and her eyes had widened slightly, her heart picking up.

“Oh.” Celestia said softly.

“It’s really fine.” I tried. “It’s not that bad.”

Noir looked at me with those black eyes and I tried to meet her gaze. “It is that bad. We need to heal you before your arm and your True Magic become unusable.”

Celestia’s horn lit up and that process was very unpleasant. It was very, very unpleasant. Apparently we couldn’t afford to let my arm be healed over the course of a few days as it was in its current state, so we needed to do a quick, dirty, painful healing before we could just set it and let it go from there. Celestia poured a lot of magic into healing the mere fragments of shards she’d pulverized my bones into, and if it weren’t for Noir’s retarded training and Luna’s ridiculous regimen, I probably would have passed out or begged someone to cut the damn thing off as I wept. Sadly, feeling pain just isn’t something I really do these days, and when I do, it’s rather easy to ignore it. However, having shards of bone be pulled from your muscle just isn’t a fun process and I made the odd hiss from time to time when shards pulled together. Celestia had Cadance pitch in with the secondary healing of my muscles since she was actually pretty adept at healing tissue, and the entire experience was turned into an opportunity for learning and I’ll give you three guesses as to who was most interested in the learning process.

Once she calmed down a bit, Noir apologized to me for not being able to help in the healing process, but I didn’t feel as though it was terribly necessary and said as much. Instead of beleaguering the point, she chastised me for not letting her know that my arm had been broken in the first place and I couldn’t really tell her that I was sorry. She just shook her head and asked if I would mind bringing Jovia out for a few minutes. I nearly shrugged, but Cadance held my shoulder and advised me against moving while I was being put back together. I tapped my ring twice to see if Jovia would indeed come out and she did, floating out and yawning like she’d just had a great nap. Celestia stopped healing me when she came out and asked if I’d seriously dabbled in Black Magic and I looked at Noir scratching my head.

Noir shrugged, but before she could answer, Luna came back with a strange crystal looking thing, and when she saw everyone crowded around me, she asked what was going on. Celestia told her that she’d gotten a little too upset with me and had crushed my arm, and if I hadn't gotten a slight endurance boost from going through the Alicornification process, my arm would literally be useless for the rest of my life, if I could even keep it.. Still, it should’ve been a valuable lesson in not fucking with people, but it wasn’t one I was going to learn any time soon.

Luna asked if I could still get her a piece of a star, so I asked Celestia and Cadance to stop for a moment so I could do that. They both told me that I was about to experience some immense pain if they did stop, but then I told Cadance that I’d get her scale too if she would be willing to Scry the Ignis fellow so I could know who I was looking at. Cadance said that she didn’t want it that badly and Twilight cut in, telling us that Cadance had always wanted one of Ignis’ scales for as long as she’d known her and Cadance blushed, rescinding her previous statement. I told Twilight to stop snitchin’ on people and she asked what the term meant, so I explained that we could’ve gotten away with our prank if she hadn't had such a big mouth.

There was a little dissent when I said that, namely from Celestia and Cadance. Both of them asked if Twilight and Noir had been in on my nonsense and I told on them like I was getting paid to do so, even going so far as to tell them about the Scrying spells that had been used so we could watch as I worked. Celestia and Cadance glared at Twilight and Noir, but my mentor wasn’t phased in the slightest since she was still working out some of that protective/possessive fury. Twilight, however, practically shriveled under their gazes and startled babbling about how she’d thought they were just harmless little gestures when I’d started. I rolled my eyes and asked if we could get to the immense pain already and Celestia cut her magic off then and there. Cadance let it trickle away since she still gave a damn about me being hurt, but when the pain came, it wasn’t unmanageable or anything. In fact, it sucked, but it really wasn’t super shit like I’d been expecting it to me. I just looked at my arms and grabbed my wrist with my right hand, feeding it through the dimensions so I could grab myself some star for Luna.

She came up to me and I put her piece of the second brightest star in the sky (the one after the Sun) into her little whatchamacallit and the crystal thing darkened so that it wasn’t actually blinding. One it took hold, I let it go and drew my hand back, asking Cadance to Scry the Ignis fellow so I could try and coax a scale from his hide. She nodded and did so, but she was rather slow compared to Noir and Twilight, so I just sat there with my arm aching up a storm while it took her two minutes to conjure up a half decent picture of the guy. I asked her to bring us a bit closer with the image and she said that she couldn’t, so I just guided my arm a bit and felt around until I had one of his scales. I tugged at it a little bit, but nothing happened, so I tried easing it away from his hide. Much to my surprise, when I thought about the scale just slipping away from him, it did and I was able to reclaim my hand. Ignis wasn’t terribly happy about losing a scale suddenly and complained about something called a chigger until he realized that he was straight up missing a scale on his arm. Once he knew it just wasn’t there he raged about losing scales while he was only in the first half of his second millennia. We cut the connection after that I I looked at the thing I was supposed to be giving to Cadance.

It was probably one of the prettiest little things I’d ever seen. It was a jet black scale that shone in the light with a wonderful iridescence that made me want one for myself so I could see if I could make a knife or something out of it. Honestly, the guy must have been huge since the single scale I took was the size of my fucking palm, but still, it seemed like Cadance wanted it a lot more than I did, so I transferred it to my right hand and gave it to her. She immediately apologized for smacking me, but I told her that I’d been asking for it and would happily continue irritating her if it meant that I’d get to cop a feel. Twilight hit me for that, forgetting that her usual spot was full of bone shards at the moment, and when I winced, she remembered and apologized, although she still nagged me for messing with people in the first place. When I put a finger on her nose, she just swatted my hand away and gave me a stern look, so I asked for a kiss and she told me that she was still mad that I’d spun her around like a top. I apologized for her being mad and was scoffed at since she’s lame like that, but Noir stepped in and told her that she may as well forgive me now since she wasn’t all that mad. After all, she was still concerned, no one had looked up her skirt, and there wasn’t any lasting damage done.

Twilight sighed and gave me a little peck on the cheek, telling me that we were going to be talking about the way I treated people later if I kept things up. Celestia and Cadance started healing my arm again and that’s when the real nagging began. Cadance got the first go since she was the one I’d gone the furthest on and told me that if I ever touched her Princess Parts without permission again, we wouldn’t be talking for a good while. I promised to keep my hands to the visible bits and she gave me a look before threatening to stop healing my arm. I raised a brow at her and prepared to tell her to stop but Noir shut me up and undid a few buttons on my shirt as if she was my mother or something. She brushed the left half aside and I looked down at the formerly black Seal on my pectoral to find that it was glowing brightly with an eerie greyish-blue tint. It didn’t cast any light, but we knew that something was fucked up with my head again.

It was clear that I wasn’t in my right mind at the moment and that something was affecting me, but it wasn’t clear as to why something that had been put in place for the Dark Magic that used to reside within me was going off. Noir theorized that the last vestiges of Dark Magic were working their way out of my system, and after a quick check by her and Luna, we found that I still had a corrupting amount of Dark Magic residing within me and that it had made me go further than I probably would have. It also explained why I was craving pain, or rather, some sort of feeling, and after Noir drew the rest of it out of me, I stopped craving it and the healing sucked all the more. I grit my teeth and bore it for the sake of keeping my arm, but Celestia had said that it was going to take time to heal my arm until it was usable.

I asked if we could take a break and sit in my living room, but Celestia said that it was probably just going to be that much worse if we stopped again. I sighed and took the time to sincerely apologize for spinning everyone and fingering Cadance without an invitation and though the women around me were still upset with me, they told me I was forgiven since I hadn't been in my right mind. I apologized again for not recognizing it this morning when I woke up cold during fucking summer, but Twilight gave me a real kiss and told me that I’d already been forgiven, but Catholic Guilt™ had me feeling pretty awful for treating my friends unfairly, even if I wasn’t really all that upset about making Shining spew. Speaking of, I did get bitched at for that when Cadance told Twilight what had happened since my fiance had been preoccupied, but when Noir reminded her that I was under the influence of magic that turned me into a sadistic masochist, she shut up.

After about an hour and a half of healing, my arm was usable again, though Celestia and Cadance had left a fracture or two since they couldn’t find them. I assured them that it would heal on its own soon enough, but I still wanted to give Celestia something for messing with her and I asked Cadance if she’d known of anything that Shining wanted that I could give him. Celestia waited until Cadance whispered what Shining wanted in my ear and I went upstairs to my Toy Closet and dropped the thing off with him. I came back downstairs to hear Twilight, Noir, Celestia, Cadance, and Luna talking about me behind my back, but I figured that I deserved a bit of bad mouthing for my actions earlier. However, when I left them in the kitchen and went to the living room to brood (Not sulk. Bitches sulk, men brood), I was interrupted after a few minutes by Twilight who was wearing a rather worried look. She sat down next to me and offered her hand to me, but when I hesitated to take it, she reached over and grabbed my own.

“Max, I’m sure you would only do stuff like that to me since you know I’m okay with it.” She said softly. “Don’t beat yourself up over stuff you couldn’t really control.”

I closed my eyes. “I could’ve at least tried.” I squeezed her hand. “...I don’t have an excuse. I deserve a punishment, regardless of whatever influenced my mind.”

Twilight kissed my jaw. “Amour, you know I love you, right?”

I looked at her and gave her a half-assed smile. “I don’t know how, but yeah, I do.”

She covered my hand with her other one. “It’s not because you’re a bad-colt, or because you’re charismatic. It’s because you’re so lovably sweet, and funny, and tender, but at the same time, you’re tough, and stoic, and polite.” I gave her a look for the last one. “Okay, you’re polite when you want to be, but my point stands. You’re not a molester. You don’t torture ponies for laughs. You don’t lie to your friends for anything other than pranks, and you just-”

Her words made my heart ache, so I leaned in and kissed her, savoring the flavour of her lips and the innocent warmth that spread from my head to my toes. Twilight prepared to pull away after a few seconds, but when our lips parted, she came back for another, longer kiss that made me a feel better and took the ache away from my arm and heart. I’ve said it multiple times, but Twilight’s embrace is like the perfect drug to me, and there’s nothing that would ever convince me to give it up. She is my all, and I was so glad that she was still willing to be around me, even though I’d pulled some serious shit earlier.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and absently swatted it away the annoyance seeming less severe since I was still kissing my love, but when it actually pulled me away from her, I was a little upset. I glared at Celestia and she looked at me, brow raised. I looked past her to see that Cadance was wearing a pleasant smile and that Noir and Luna were looking on rather passively.

‘Slip her some tongue next time.’ Noir told me telepathically.

‘Will do.’ I answered.

I looked back to Celestia. “I was enjoying that.”

She gave me a dry look. “I’m sure you were. While you were kissing Twilight, Cadance, Noir and I came up with something you could do to fill your time while you don’t have anything to do instead of pulling pranks on people.”

“Is it kissing Twilight?” I asked cheekily.

I earned myself another look. “No. You’re going to be putting together that team you never bothered telling me about. Thank you for that, by the way.”

“You let me believe Crimson was dead and then you made him my employee. You have no room to talk.” I replied evenly.

Celestia sighed. “Fair enough. Do we need to talk about that?”

“No. You suck sometimes and that’s all there is to it.”

Twilight glared at Celestia. “You two might not need to talk, but we sure do. You might be even with Max, but you still hurt him when he didn’t hurt you, Celestia, and I’m not too happy about that.”

Celestia looked at her sadly. “We will talk, Twilight. I understand that you are upset-”

“Shove it.” My fiance replied hotly.

The Diarch’s eyes widened and I looked at Twilight. “I love you.”

She spared me a glance. “I love you too.”

Celestia let it go at that. “We will have our talk, Twilight. Max, there is something I want you to steal for me.”

“Ask and it’s yours.” I replied.

Twilight made a disapproving noise. “I don’t think you should be giving something to somepony who broke your arm.”

I looked at her. “Well, she helped fix what she broke, so I think that should count for something.”

Twilight gave me a look and I made a face. “I’m giving you something too, but that’ll have to wait for our wedding day. It’s not a favour, but it’ll be pretty.”

Twilight perked up a bit. “Is it a ring?”

I rolled my eyes. “”It might be. It could be the penis for all you know.”

She lit up and Celestia coughed. “The thing I want is a sword.”

I looked at her. “Scry it.”

And so she did. Through the rift, I would see a rather ornate scabbard, though the handle seemed elegant though utilitarian. I was rather fond of it, but the surrounding black stone seemed awfully familiar since I’d seen it earlier in the day. The sword was hanging on a weapon rack that looked similar to one of mine, though the main difference was that those weapon racks actually had things things on them. My weapon racks had been metaphorically collecting dust. I reached in and took the sword, but when I held it, the weight wasn’t negated at all, so I was a little surprised by the weight of it. Celestia’s eyes gleamed, but as she reached for it, I held up a finger and drew the piece from its sheath. When I had it out, I noticed that the metal was white and that the tip and middle were flared a bit and that the thirty or so centimeters from the crossguard were thinner. It seemed like a well balanced, well crafted piece to me, and it was most definitely good for hacking, but the well pointed tip was just as good for piercing. It was a lethal blade, and I was rather fond of it myself, but again, I was sure that the intended recipient wanted it more than I did.

“So why are we stealing a sword from Chrysalis?” I asked.

Celestia blinked. “I didn’t know that she was the one who’d stolen it. This was my sword from millennia past, and I haven’t seen it since Luna and I took the Castle in the Everfree.”

“Huh. Well, Chrysalis probably stole it from ya.” I said bluntly.

She gave me a look. “You don’t know that. I wouldn’t put it past her, but you don’t know for sure.”

I rolled my eyes and looked at Twilight. “Is there anything you want. Cherry? A book, perhaps? A rare scroll?”

Twilight leaned in quickly and pressed her lips against mine for a moment. “As long as I can steal a kiss, I don’t think I want anything from you.”

“I’m sorry, but can I borrow one? I’ll give it back to you later.” I promised.

Twilight smiled and gave me another one, but I knew we wouldn’t be allowed to enjoy it for long. Still, I held onto her until Noir pulled us away from each other. “Am I to be allowed a reward for tolerating you as well?”

I gave her a look. “You could just ask me for something and I’d get it for you. Granted, that’s true for everyone in this room, but it’s doubly so for you and Twilight.”

Noir nodded and Scryed a familiar sword. A grin broke out on both of our faces, but as I reached for it, Celestia stayed my hand with magic. “Wait! Max, that sword is cursed!”

Noir gave her a look. “Who do you think cursed it?”

The white one looked at her. “...That sword roasts hands off of people.”

“It won’t allow anyone to wield it if I don’t want them to. I am allowing Max to wield it for the small amount of time that it will take for him to get it for me.” My mentor responded.

Celestia teleported it and levitated it in the air for a few moments. “This was always a terrifying piece that Luna wouldn’t let me have melted. I suppose I know why now.”

Noir grasped her claymore and unsheathed the behemoth. “Oh my sweet, darling Mordemor! How I’ve missed you so!” She beamed like she was a child with a ten scoop tall ice cream cone before kissing the blade.

‘Now lick it.’ I thought at her.

She gave me a look. “I am not going to lick it.”

Celestia looked between us. “There’s still a link between you two, isn’t there?”

Noir nodded. “I left a piece of my soul with Max to fill the space where I previously occupied. That, and when he placed me into my body, he took a piece of his own soul along with mine.”

Cadance made a strangled noise and Twilight gasped. Luna just nodded and said, “I would expect that to happen. Max does have poor aim.”

“Bitch, I’ll pee on you from here.” I said irritably. She was only a couple of meters away, so it was a real possibility.

Luna glared at me. “Pee on me and I’ll rip it off.”

Noir sheath Mordemor. “I would chop it off if you did something so disgusting.”

Twilight hugged my arm. “How about the ruling Princesses leave my poor little Amour alone?”

Pretty much every eye turned to her, but for once, she actually held firm, so I took her hand in mine and kissed her horn. “Thank you, Cherry.”

Noir sighed and sat beside me on the couch. Silence filled the room for awhile before Celestia asked, “Just to be clear, does Max really have a drinking problem?”

Twilight and Noir shook their heads. “If he did, we would handle it.” Noir replied.

“I think Max would be able to see it for himself.” Twilight said supportively.

Celestia nodded. “Then I suppose there isn’t a reason for me to be here anymore. Max, if you make me taste my sister’s tongue again, I’m anally ruining you.”

My heart started beating strangely and I gagged. “Yeah, no. I’m good.”

She nodded. Luna tilted her chin upwards. “If you make me taste Celestia’s tongue, we’re doing more training. And then I’ll anally destroy you.”

“Note taken. Arse protected.”

Cadance came over and sat on my lap, surprising everyone in the room. In my ear, she whispered, “I wouldn’t mind if you did it again just send me a note beforehand, okay? Pretend to be scared.”

I checked my nails. “You can threaten all you want Cadance, but until you demonstrate to everyone how exactly you fuck Shining in the arse-” She hit me, blushing.

“Insufferable.” Cadance huffed, hopping off of my lap. “I’ll see you later, Max. Goodbye Noir, I hope to see you again. Auntie Celestia, Auntie Luna, Twilight, I love you and I’ll see you later.”

We all said our goodbyes and the Royals Sisters followed her soon after, bidding us goodbye. Noir told me that I wasn’t allowed to reach through the dimensions and give them each a pat on the arse, so I just did it to Twilight while she was still sitting down and my fiance just sighed, saying that this power was the worst possible thing that could’ve been given to me. Noir and I agreed wholeheartedly, but then I started tickling Noir the same way I had been earlier and she hit me a couple of time before I stopped. Twilight asked what I’d been doing to her, and I asked Noir’s permission to tell her, and when I did, Twilight asked why I’d been fondling another girl in front of her. Noir explained that there just wasn’t much we hadn't done to each other, one way or another, except anything including anal. Anal was off limits for both parties. Twilight voiced some displeasure with how close we were, but I reminded her that Noir and I were bonded at the level of our very souls, and I reminded Twilight that I wasn’t exactly lusting after or anything. Noir and I were just fond of messing with each other. Twilight wanted to know for a fact that we weren’t going to be doing anything behind her back, so I swore to her that I would never touch Noir inappropriately for the sake of lust. Twilight didn’t want me to touch her inapproiately at all, so I asked what the issue was.

Noir left the room so we could talk between ourselves, even though she would know what the conversation was about anyway. Once she was gone Twilight explained that she felt a little threatened by the advent of someone who she knew that I loved and cared for so deeply into our physical lives, but I assured her that Noir and I had only had sex the one time and that we’d just never gone further than that. The first really was the last, and though we cuddled from time to time, it was more that I needed comfort or Noir wanted physical affection and I was willing to give it to her since she was so damnably pleasant most of the time. Twilight asked how I could possibly cuddle with someone so much taller than anyone else she’d ever met and I asked her to give Noir a try when it comes to the TLC. Twilight seemed a little interested, but she tried to lie through her body language and said that she wasn’t comfortable cuddling with someone that size and I called her out on it since I thought it would be a pleasant experience for them.

She tried to get out of the act, but I wasn’t having it and had Noir come out of the kitchen so they could give it a shot. I asked them to start with hugs and went upstairs to go change and smoke or something while they prepared to get started. Noir had truly ruined my shirt, so I swapped it for a short sleeve since it was actually a little warm in my house and grabbed my smoking kit and some herb to pass the time. My mentor told me that Twilight had been fond of the hugs once she’d gotten her to my height, and when she went in for a kiss after Twilight meekly suggested that they try it, they started warming up to each other even more. Granted, Noir already loved Twilight because she saw so much good in her and knew her as well as I did, but we were trying to get my fiance up to speed on the whole mutual affection thing.

It was nice to hear that Twilight was comfortable with being Noir’s little spoon after an hour or so of giving each other a shot, and when Twilight fell asleep in Noir’s arms, I had to come downstairs and see for myself. It was fucking adorable. It was so adorable, I had to take a picture of the moment, and Noir smiled warmly for the camera with Twilight in her arms. It was easily one of my favourite pictures of all time and placed it in the ‘Special Moments’ page in my scrapbook once the pictures developed properly. It was a sweet moment beyond all others, and I couldn’t keep myself away from it for too long. I came back and laid my head on Noir’s shoulder for a little while until about four when Twilight woke up. We’d been talking about her and the things we liked about the purple Ali-Mage until she asked who we were talking about blearily. I told her that we’d been talking about her and she asked if she really did snore. I explained that it was a soft snore that always lulled me to sleep when I had trouble getting there, and that she really did look adorable in everything she wore, including the blouse and skirt combo she was wearing at the moment.

Twilight blushed and asked how long she’d been asleep, so we told her and we asked if she would mind going shopping with us. She was all for it and said that she would happily foot the bill, but I told her that I owed it to Noir to pay for her crap, so we went out to Blue’s shop first since that was my favourite place to go and I wanted to introduce them. On the way into town, we saw a gaggle of geese that seemed familiar, so I said hello and they honked back until they recognized who I was. Then I got fucking swarmed with all of them asking me how I’d been except for the one who I assumed had given me the news of their mother’s passing. When Noir started licking her lips, I decided it was time to go and promised to buy them all some bread when we got into town, so I took them by the bakery and passed out a whole loaf of some soft whole wheat bread that I thought they’d be able to digest easily enough. I tore them each off a chunk, and when I finished, I had enough for a little snack.

Twilight, Noir, and I continued on to Blue’s shop and I introduced Noir as my counselor and the voice in my head, which got me hit by my lover come abuser. Blue was thrilled to meet my mentor, though she asked why she hadn't met her before and Noir explained that she’d been bonded to my soul and that I was the only one who could talk to her easily. That, and she was considered a national secret until now, so there was always that. Blue was a little less thrilled, but she hid it well and asked what Noir’s parents had fed her so that she would get so tall. Noir said that she ate bad ‘foals’ and the occasional good one to get her point across and that was when I realized that she actually had canine teeth. Like, they weren’t terribly noticeable, but they were a little pointy and they existed all the same. Noir told me that they were actually there because she’d filed her teeth to a point to eat meat more easily and that was a bit of a scary thought.

Either way, Blue didn’t carry much in Noir size since there weren’t people Noir’s size, well, anywhere to be honest. She did had a few sports bras and some knickers that would fit her since they were geared toward the more well-endowed women anyway, and Blue’s Cutie Mark had something or other to do with Tailoring, so she was able to spend a couple hours on getting Noir a workable piece. Blue sent me off with a special request order and Noir’s measurements so I could go and give them to Rarity, but I was pretty sure she didn’t like me at the moment, so I was a little iffy about going. I asked why Twilight couldn’t go in my stead and Twilight told me that I could easily convince Rarity to do pretty much anything if I put my mind to it. She wasn’t necessarily wrong, so I took my happy arse halfway across town the the Carousel Boutique.

When I got there, I knocked before entering since I was there on personal business, but then I realized that I was most likely going to have to pay for shit anyway since Rarity still didn't like me much. I sighed before just letting myself and when I walked in, Rarity was actually coming to the front room with a dejected look on her face as if something had been worrying her or was on her mind. I felt like I should do something to cheer her up, but then again, the bitch still wouldn’t forgive me over some shit I couldn’t control, so I was leaning more toward a civil discussion.

After Rarity looked up and saw that it was me, her shoulders slumped further and she pinched her nose. “Maximus.”

“Hullo, Rares. I’d like to say I came for personal business, but I rather need you to make some things for a friend.” I gave her a contrite smile.

Rarity rolled her eyes. “What do you want?”

I felt the old beast rise up and prepare to lash out at her attitude, so I snapped my fingers softly and held out the small envelope Blue had given me. “As I said, Miss Rarity, I need some personal effects made for a friend and I happen to be confident in your skill. The people I would trust with this task are few and far between.”

She glared at me. “I’m the only seamstress you know.”

I raised a brow at her. “I am also acquainted with Hoity Toity and I’m sure Fleur would be willing to introduce me to a few more of her friends if I cared to ask. No, I specifically want your handicraft on these garments.”

Rarity blinked and her breath caught. “You know Hoity Toity? Personally?”

I nodded. “I do. He made my the suit I wore for my coronation.”

Her eyes sparkled for a moment, but when she blinked, the sparkle was gone. “Then why don’t you ask him to make what you need?”

“Because he’s neither my friend, nor, in my opinion, as adept in making female clothing and livery as you are.” I said honestly.

She gave me a look. “Flattery will get you nowhere, Darling. Now, if you have nothing else to speak of…” She gestured toward the door.

I walked up to her, staring her down calmly. Rarity frowned hard. “That is not the correct way to leave my shop.”

“Rarity, I’m not asking you for a favor. I’m asking you as a friend-”

“I might’ve been happy that you proposed to Twilight, but make no mistake, Maximus. We aren’t friends.” She said frigidly.

I didn’t let it get to me. “I don’t see why we wouldn’t be.”

“You should be happy I haven’t come after you for sleeping with my sister.” She snapped.

I tilted my head slowly and looked at her like she was fucking crazy. “I didn’t sleep with Sweetie Belle. Who put that frankly disturbing idea in your mind?”

Rarity jammed a finger in my chest. “First you take her virginity and now you lie about it!? For shame, Maximus. I thought you a better stallion than that.”

“I haven’t touched the girl in close to a month, and the last time I did touch her, she complained about me mussing up her hair like I always did before I left for Earth. Rarity, I refuse to sleep with Sweetie Belle for a similar reason to why I refuse to sleep with Pinkie, and that’s because I see them both as children.”

Rarity’s glare could have frozen alcohol. “I’ve heard quite enough from you. Leave.”

I leaned in and looked at her levelly, gazing deep into her eyes. “I did not have sexual contact in any way shape or form with your sister. Call me a liar, Rarity.”

Her nose touched mine. “You. Are. A. Liar.”

I didn’t back down an inch because I was fucking right. “You are blind. How many times have you caught Sweetie Belle lying?”

Rarity thrust a hand behind me. “Get. Out.”

I continued staring at her. “You’re a foolish child, Rarity. I’m ashamed to have slept with someone like you.”

Her breath caught and she brought that hand back to slap me with it, but I blocked it. “Pathetic. Lashing out because of words. I hope you decide to grow up soon, Rarity.”

I turned on my heel and walked out because I didn’t have a reason to be there anymore and I heard Rarity crying as I left, but when I snapped my finger to come out of Prince Mode, I felt like doing the same thing, so I didn't stay like that for long. Then I realized that I was running from my feeling, so when I was halfway to Blue’s, I snapped my fingers and went back to being a sad sack. I still wanted to sit down and brood for a little bit since I was feeling rather hurt by Sweetie Belle’s lies, Rarity’s blindness, and my own harsh retort. I knew I would feel better when I got a hug or something from Twilight, but at the moment, I just felt hated and hateful. I shouldn’t have told Rarity that I was ashamed of sleeping with her, but I’d spoken the truth. It sickened me that I’d actually bothered to give love to someone who took every opportunity to see me as a demon and refused to listen to my defense, and I was a more than a little hurt that she’d called me a liar to my fucking face like it was nothing. Noir told me that she’d been listening to the whole thing and offered to give me a hug when I got back to Blue’s shop if Twilight didn’t.

Getting to her shop didn’t take all that long anyway, so when I came in and saw Twilight, Noir, and Blue talking at the counter, I was glad that the trip had been relatively short. Twilight immediately knew something was up since I came back with my head a little lower than I usually carried it, so she asked how things went with Rarity. I explained what had happened to them, though Noir didn’t need the rundown, and Blue scolded me for telling a woman that I was ashamed of her until I pointed out that Rarity had said that she was ashamed of me multiple times. She couldn’t really argue against that, but she and Twilight did offer to go talk with her for me and I asked them to tell her that I would stop by whenever she wanted to see me if they could convince her that I hadn't slept with that lying little whore. Twilight was a little shocked at my language, but I was sick of Sweetie Belle’s bullshit, like the thing she had pulled with Spike and her sexual harassment. I wasn’t having any more of her bullshit.

Twilight forbade me from going after Sweetie Belle for trying to ruin Rarity’s friendship with me, but I was hot under the collar and frankly, once I was done being sad, the fury had me gritting my teeth, ready to knock Sweetie's out of her mouth. I know it’s supposed to be wrong to hit women, but that little bitch ain’t a woman. Liars aren’t women. Noir actually took me by the hand, sat me next to Twilight, and told me that she was going to see Rarity for herself. Twilight was immediately against the idea, but I was all for it, and once Noir explained that she wasn’t playing around or trying to start nonsense, Twilight gave my mentor her blessing and Noir just teleported there since she’d seen the place with her own eyes.

Noir advised me to allow Twilight to Scry her as she worked, and when she did, we saw that Noir was talking to Rarity and that the pale woman was doing her best to not appear like I’d kicked her in the emotional testicles. It was a valiant effort, but it just didn’t work out that well for her, but when Noir brought her in for a hug, I wondered what the fuck was going until she let me listen in on what she said. The tall, dark blue woman asked what was bothering Rarity and she tried to tell her that it was nothing, but Noir has a way of making people talk, one way or the other. She used tenderness to coax Rarity’s side of the story and she spilled it as she knew it, but when Noir mentioned that she was the friend that I’d been asking her to make things for, Rarity pushed her away and became furious. Noir asked if she really thought that I’d done unsavoury things to her sister, but when Rarity answered, Noir brought up the three times Sweetie Belle had been caught lying about big things, like when she tried to lie her way out of bugging Spike about seeing his privates, the time she stole a few bits from Sugarcube Corner, and when she’d approached me and tried to flirt with me before I went to Earth. I didn’t mention the last two in my journals because I didn’t care to mention the first one and I didn’t really want to write down the time I got clumsily hit on by a child.

Rarity was stuck, and when she tried to bring up the fact that I’d initially lied to her and the girls about my past, Noir pointed out that it had been because I’d been trying to get my shit together. Rarity tried to bring up my general shadiness, but Noir countered with the fact that I was entrenched in secrets that needed to be held. Rarity didn’t have a leg to stand on, and honestly, Sweetie Belle was just too untrustworthy in a lot of people’s eyes, and that was a damn shame. I assume she learned it from watching her sister since Rarity often tried to pull similar shit, though she’d never stolen anything to my knowledge. She had tried to use her coquettish nature to make me do things before, but that just wasn’t what floated my boat at all. While I was standing there and thinking, I started talking about the copious amount of bullshit that Rarity pulled that she was supposed to be above, but when Twilight tried to defend her, Blue was on my side. She knew Rarity at a professional level and she hated some of Rarity’s shady business tactics, though she’d maneuvered around them easily enough since she wasn’t all that evil. Still, Rarity wasn’t that decent a person if you got to know her, and I was pretty sure that her sketchy nature had rubbed off on her sister.

While I was thinking, Noir used my fuel to tear Rarity apart from the horn down, pointing out damn near every flaw between her and her sister. It was a little hard to watch when Rarity sank down to her knees and bawled as though she’d just been told that she only had a few days left to live, and Twilight herself started crying, so I held her for a little while until she calmed down. Noir told Rarity that she was a petty harlot who was too blind to her own evil for her own good and teleported back to us with a satisfied smile on her face.

I looked at Noir and she raised a brow. “That was pleasant. I’ve wanted to do that to her for months.”

I sighed. “Noir. Don’t fucking do that.”

Twilight left my arms and hit Noir. “How could you do that!? How could you say such terrible things to such a nice pony!?”

Blue pulled Twilight away, but held her tongue. I crossed my arms and gave Noir a disappointed look. “That was wholly unnecessary, Noir. If she hurts herself over this, it’s officially on your head.”

My mentor scoffed. “People are responsible for their own actions. If the truth hurts her so severely, then she was obviously not a person worthy of living this life.”

I glared at her. “You’re correct that people are responsible for their own actions, but that was some petty shit. I don’t approve at all.”

Noir shrugged. “You did not want to do it, so I did. I accept your anger, Maximus, for I feel completely justified in my actions.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “You just burned the fuck out of a bridge after building the beginnings of the structure, just for the sake of making someone feel terrible. I know you’re not necessarily a good person, but I expect you to keep words like that out of your mouth when it comes to those I consider my friends.”

She scoffed again. “Like Rarity was being a friend to you. The woman had no respect for you, no patience for your defense, no consideration for your side of the story. Be happy I did not beat her for causing you distress.”

“Physical wounds heal, Noir, but you’ve most likely just fucked Rarity up in the head for a good minute. That’s some despicable shit if I’ve ever seen it.” I said coldly.

Noir looked at me calmly. “Does it affect how you feel about me?”

“I’m disappointed in you. You’re a six thousand year old woman. You of all people should fucking know better.”

“I do know better, but she does not warrant me holding my tongue, especially since she accused you of something that you did not do. Rarity’s blindness and my patience sit on opposite ends of the spectrum, after all.”

I took a deep breath. “Just… Just go have Celestia take care of your clothing situation.”

Noir put a hand on my shoulder and I shrugged it off, giving her a stern look. She returned mine with one of her own. “I am your Mistress. You will not make me feel shame.”

“I’m your best friend. If not me, then who?” I countered.

She frowned, her eye twitching. “...I suppose I will be in Canterlot for the rest of the day.”

“There aren’t many hours left in the day. I might not be happy with you, but that doesn’t mean that you won’t always be welcome in my home. When the Sun sets, go and see Luna or something and have her get your clothing situation sorted.” I said soberly.

My ‘Mistress’ nodded. “I will… Maximus-”

I raised a hand and she gave me a dark look that I met easily. “A half-hearted apology is just empty words. I still have love for you, even if you are a little on the wicked side sometimes.”

Noir sighed. “I suppose I should have taken into account how you would feel. My apology is not half hearted.”

I stopped looking at her. “Be more careful in the future. If I want you to tear someone apart emotionally, I’ll let you know.”

“Max!” Twilight objected. “You can’t just tell Noir to make ponies break down and cry like that.”

Blue held her firmly. “There’s a time and a place for everything Twilight. I don’t agree with what Noir just did, but I do wish that she would do something similar to a few ponies who need to be taken down a notch.”

Twilight and I stared at her and she shrugged. “What? You don’t expect me to be Mrs. Peace and Love all the time, do you?”

I shook my head. “I expect better of you. It’s fine for now, but I think we need to have a talk about hypocrisy and biting one’s tongue.”

Blue sighed and let Twilight go. Twilight took the time to look at each of us in turn and teleported away. Noir followed suit soon after, leaving me and my Mum to talk things out for ourselves, and so we did. I’ll skip that conversation because it was pretty circular and stupid that I even had to have that kind of conversation with a Pony of all things, and my mother at that. The gist was that if I wasn’t allowed to tear people down, no one else should have that privilege unless the recipient truly deserved their harsh words. Blue agreed for the most part, but her main point was that I didn’t get to decide who deserved it, but then I pointed out that I was a Prince and that it was practically my job to do so. I mean, it’s not like I’d abuse that power, but sometimes I just don’t feel like holding my tongue, hence why I took a sharp jab at Rarity in the first place.

In any case, the day had quickly gone to shit and I was tired, so I walked over to Twilight’s house since she was still in town, but when I got there, no one answered the door and I got a little worried. I hoped that she was just asking for a little space, and for the most part, I was happy to give it to her since I knew that I’d like the same thing in a similar situation. That didn’t mean that I didn’t want to be with her while her heart was aching, but I knew that sometimes it was just better to be left alone than to have someone around, especially if that person was a part of the reason for the problem in the first place. Still, there was nothing I wanted more than to erase this day from my memory and just go to sleep, so that’s what I set my sights on doing when I got to my house. I grabbed my bowl and my grass, smoked, and took my happy arse to bed so I could write in my journals for a little while and get caught up to right around here. Pinkie came over and told me that she'd told everyone that the party was off for the time being and I thanked her for knowing when things were getting tense. She accepted my gratitude and gave me a kiss on the cheek, some tissue, and a bit of lotion before bouncing out of my house.

Pinkie's fucking weird sometimes.

It’s come to my attention that I kinda suck, but Noir kinda sucks, and most of the Royals kinda suck too, other than Twilight. Things could definitely be better in my life right now, but things always have to get worse before they get better, right? Shit, I hope that’s the case because I still have some stuff to take care of, and I rather need to get started on it tomorrow.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Alright, so I sent a letter to Luna and she said that we could get the training equipment for Adstus put onto my land here in a few days. I’ll start sending out notes to get people to come over once the week ends, but hopefully things go a bit more easily than they have been. I can’t imagine that having a house full of lethal people is going to end well for me in the slightest, but then again, Pinkie just returned with my list of countries involved in The War, and it’s actually not that bad. There are a few big countries like Zhogguo, Ponitaly, Camelroon, Egypt, and a few cells in Neighpon that are against us, but mostly it looks like Equestria, Scotchland, Bridleland, and the Dragon Lands (Greenland and Iceland) have the advantage since, well, the Dragons are on our side for the most part. Actually, Greenland is with Equestria, but Iceland is against us, though we have some allies in there. Pinkie really is as effective as she needs to be when it comes to espionage.

I sent the list I had off to Celestia and Luna, but since Luna was the one presiding in the Court Hall, she was the one I got a response from. She was straight up shocked that I had such information, but when she asked how I managed to get this information, I had to tell the Lunar Diarch that it was just a result of using ‘Her’ to her fullest capabilities and Luna was more than a little salty that I was hiding the identity of ‘Her’ from her. I couldn’t blame her since I knew that it was infuriating to not know who you have on retainer especially when it comes to such pressing information, but I told her that the intel was reliable and that she should just be glad that ‘Her’ was on our side. Luna disagreed and demanded to meet her, but I told her that she would never believe it if I showed her who the correspondent.

Luna eventually gave up on trying to weasel information out of me, but she still maintained that she was going to figure out who my contact was, one way or the other, and I warned her against spying on me unless she wanted to get poked in the eye, the bluish one or the brownish one. She was a little less than pleased with that, but she could fucking suck it for all the fucks I gave.

Right now, I’m just worried about the future. I don’t really give a shit about whether or not Luna finds out that I’m using Pinkie as an Operative, but I do give a shit about The War as a whole and the repercussions of today’s actions I feel like a jackass and an utter arsehole, and I’m not really used to feeling this kind of stuff so intensely. My best guess would be that as long as I had the Dark Magic, I still had a certain amount of emotional numbness that persisted even through Noir’s attempts to keep in in check. Now I just feel like I’m constantly being suffocated or something one way or another, but I don’t know if it’s because I actually have to fulfill Prince duties sooner rather than later or if it’s because I’m just stressed out. Either way, I’m hoping that tomorrow’s a better day.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I woke up the morning after my little pranks with my hands aching something fierce, but when I went to go touch the aching places on the dorsal side, I felt some scar tissue that I hadn't had the day before. At least, not that I’d felt. I panicked a little bit and turned on my bedside lamp, checking out the new scars and found that they looked awfully similar to the Alicorn Amulet, but as halves on each side of my hand. I groaned and tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn’t get any sort of rest until my mind calmed down a bit, and when it finally slowed down enough for me to do a little bit of rational thinking, my only reasonable course of action was to ask Noir what was going on, so I got up and went to go wait for her for a little while. I hoped that she would have some words for me on the subject, but I was mostly hoping that I’d get a hug and we would be fine from the troubles of the day before.

As usual, I was the first one up so I made some breakfast for myself and rehydrated some of my jerky to make a decent stew since I wasn’t hungry for just eggs and pancakes like usual. Crimson came out once I finished with the eggs and whatnot, but when I offered hit some stew with meat in it, he accepted a little sample and tried a bit so see if he was one of those Ponies that liked meat. As it turned out, he was rather fond of Gator stew, so we had ourselves a couple of bowls on top of a plate of eggs and began our day with a run around Ponyville after we got a note written out for Noir explaining where we were and where to get her portion of breakfast.

The run was pleasant and the morning was alright. Crimson and I were pretty evenly matched, though I was getting to be in better shape than he was. He would still beat me in a straight race, but I could run for nearly as long as he could at this point without letting my breathing get ragged, and the extensive training we’d both received was good for keeping in shape. We agreed to make it a part of a morning routine so we stayed in good condition, and I told him that I was going to have Celestia start hooking us up with some training equipment so we could keep the rest of our bodies in shape.

After our run, we came back home and Noir was just then getting out of bed, though thankfully the stew was still a little warm. It was still good and Crimson and I both had another bowl while joining her for breakfast. Shit was actually pretty good, but when Noir added a bit of salt, Crimson had a problem with it since she was supposed to be my mentor. I told him that Noir was used to eating salt as a part of her daily diet and it had been that way from the old times. She explained that she didn’t do it for a buzz, rather, she just added salt to her food because it tasted better. I told Crimson that salt to an Alicorn was like eating a leaf off of one of my trees in the greenhouse: it wasn’t going to get you high any time soon.

After a little while, I got restless and so did my housemates, so we figured that a trip to Canterlot would be in order. That, or we could spend the day doing some exercises that would burn off some of our extra energy. We decided on going to Canterlot for the simple fact that I still needed to check and see if I could have Swift join my team and to get the training equipment situation sorted out, so we buggered off to Canterlot via Shadow Diving with Noir and ended up in a random room in the Castle. We walked around for a little bit and got stopped by guards once or twice, but whenever Noir spread her wings or I flashed my Signet Ring, we were allowed safe passage and weren’t bothered for a while longer. We eventually made it to the Court Hall, and due to my status, we weren’t made to fill out much paperwork. Instead, I just had to write down the reason I was there for the Royal records and we were allowed to wait a few places ahead in line since I didn’t want to cut in front ofeveryone per se. It’s not like Noir, Crimson, and I were doing anything in particular with our day, though I still wanted to go check on Twilight. She’d been a little brisk with her last letter earlier in the morning, so I felt that it was pretty pertinent to see if my Cherry was angry with me. I could deal with it if she was, but I figured that coming to Rarity so soon after insulting her wouldn’t bear any fruit in any sense of the phrase.

While I was off in thought, Crimson and Noir were talking about having a little spar some time, though Crimson gave Noir the advantage because of her reach and her age. Noir told Crimson that his quick wit and light hooves would give him a decent chance, but I snapped back to reality and told him that he was going to get fucked up if he tried to get Noir to go all out. Much to my pleasure, he didn’t balk and even welcomed her to try and reach out for a bit more of her power, but Noir assured him and promised me that she wouldn’t go above about forty percent of her full strength since that was the floor of her lethal range for the average Pony. Crimson faltered a bit, but he still relished the challenge of fighting someone stronger than he was. Poor bastard didn’t know that Noir going at forty percent of her strength was still enough to kill him if she wasn’t quite as careful as she needed to be.

Eventually we got to see Celestia and I gave her a wave when we entered the Court Hall. She closed her eyes and I swear she counted to ten before smiling and saying, “Hello, Maximus, Noir, Crimson Tide. It’s a pleasure to see the three of you. How can I help you today?”

I gave her a disarming smile. “There are no pranks or mischief today, Hun, just a little favour I’m sure you wouldn’t mind doing. It’s mostly for you anyway.”

Celestia looked at me like I’d told her that cake was healthy, which is to say, she was rather skeptical. “I mean no offense, but I’m sure that you wouldn’t make me do something for myself.”

I shrugged. “Depends on how you look at it, honestly. I just need some training equipment, kinda like what Luna had for me when I was under her tutelage. Just, you know, less lethal or life threatening in general.”

She blinked twice rather slowly. “...How is this for me?”

“It’s to keep myself, Crimson, and Noir in fighting shape for as long as you need us to be. It’ll actually be for my team, but the only people currently using it will be the three of us.”

“Again, how is this for me?”

“Adstus is going to be under my jurisdiction, but we’ll be doing things for you. Keeping us in good shape will be in the best interest of Equestria once we get the team put together, thus it is in your best interest. It’s for my team and for you.” I said confidently.

“...And you think I’m going to help you with something you went behind my back and asked Luna for? Max, have you lost the decent part of your mind since Noir has been in Equestria?”

I tilted my head. “I didn’t go behind your back. I would have asked you if you were the one in the Court Hall when I came to talk about an unrelated matter, but I just decided to knock out two birds with one stone. It wasn’t meant as a slight to you, just a bit of improper timing, I suppose. It’s not like I asked Luna to keep a secret from you or anything.”

She gave me a look. “I’ll help you with you request, but I want to hear about these things from you first hand if I hear about them at all.”

I spread my hands. “I know you and Luna talk every day. It’s not like I can hide the things I talk with her about from you, and I don’t try to, so I don’t really see the problem here, Celestia. I don’t get it, but in the future, I’ll do my best to try and write you or something so you can know my half and get Luna’s half when you have time, I suppose.”

Celestia nodded curtly. “Thank you for your cooperation. Is there anything else you need?”

“Can I have a hug?” I asked politely.

She passed me a look that told me ‘Go away, fool’. “I don’t want to give you a hug right now. I’m still upset with you for yesterday.”

“Oi! I apologized!” I said, blushing.

“That you did. Besides a hug, is there anything else?”

“...I guess I’ll just stop by the Armory. Take the money for the training stuff out of my account since Luna put extra funds in there for it. I don’t see why she didn’t just take care of it then and there, but you know how weird she can be at times.”

Celestia rolled her eyes and muttered, “Yes, we're the weird ones.” Louder, she said, “I’ll see to it that your request is filled today since I assume you want to get started sooner rather than later.”

“I do. Thanks, Hun.” I gave her a small smile.

I received a look. “Yes, you’re welcome. Is there a reason you’re going to the Armory?”

I nodded. “I’ve got to get Crimson a sword. He has a knife, but that’s pretty much just a symbol of his authority under me.”

Celestia puckered her lips for a moment and steepled her fingers. “There are quite a few to browse through, although I suggest that you have a few custom ones made. Noir’s zweihander-”

“Mordemor is a claymore.” Noir interrupted.

Celestia tilted her head toward her. “Noir’s claymore is obviously customized for her since I’ve never seen a type of steel quite like that. Crimson is going to be your Captain, correct? For your team?” I nodded. “Then he should have a sword that stands above the rest. I would suggest a mare named Coffee Cream, but she is reclusive and acerbic on her best days.”

I held up my pocket watch. “I know her. She made my watch and my pipe. I’ve approached her about making my team some shit in the past, so I guess I’ll see her before we leave town.”

Celestia nodded. “If you want, I could suggest a few sword styles for you.” That’s a bit of an olive branch if I’ve ever heard one.

Noir was about to speak, but I asked her to hold her tongue in my head. “Please. If you think of something that would suit me, I’d like to hear it.”

Celestia cracked a small smile. “From what I saw in your training with Luna, I think a Zhongguo Jian would suit you quite well, if it’s a shorter blade.”

Noir coughed. “It would be a good weapon for Max as long as he had a buckler to go along with it. It would make for a good primary weapon.”

My former lover looked at her. “And it would be supplemented by Nacht and the Warbling Blade, would it not?”

My mentor nodded. “That is the case, though I feel another blade should take the place of the Warbling Blade while in combat.”

I had a problem with that. “Fuck both of you. The Warbling blade stays by my side. I’ll try a Jian, but Nacht and the Warbling blade will always be my back ups.”

Noir passed me a withering look. “You would take a hunting knife into a war?”

“I would take deez nuts into your mouth.” I countered.

Her look intensified and Celestia coughed. “Perhaps we should ask Max is he prefers a slashing or a piercing weapon?”

“Slashing.” Noir and I answered at the same time.

I looked at my mentor. “I like the option of being able to pierce, however. I’m rather fond of your sword, Celestia. Does it have a name?”

“Yes it does. It is called The Sunlight Blade.” Celestia answered proudly.

Noir and I looked at her for a moment before we started cracking up. Celestia blushed lightly. “What is amusing about 'The Sunlight Blade' as a name?”

“We already know of a blade with that name is all.” I replied, smiling. “I’d be happy to have something similar to that if you could have some schematics drawn up for me.”

Noir shook her head again. “That wouldn’t do well if you scaled it down. You really should go with a Sparponian one handed sword. It has slashing prowess and the ability to pierce.”

Celestia nodded her agreement. “It would suit you if you’re more of a shortsword user anyway. It might take a bit longer to forge, but it’ll be a worthwhile blade to have forged, though I would suggest that you have a Kopis instead.”

Noir tilted her head back and forth. “Kopis’ look more elegant, but they are effectively the same thing. It depends on your personal taste.” She transferred the images of a Sparponian sword and a Kopis into my head.

“Huh. I think I like the Kopis a bit better, though I like the safety of the Sparponian sword a bit better.” I said thoughtfully.

“Have Coffee Cream make the crossguard more protective, you fool.” Noir said.

Celestia raised her brows. “I was going to call you a foal, but Noir took the other words right out of my mouth. Crimson, is there a particular style of sword you’d like?”

He looked up at her. “No, Your Highness. A typical longsword is what I’ve known for years and I’m quite happy with it as I am.”

She raised a brow. “Do you have one?”

“...I’ll asked Coffee Cream to make me one, Your Highness.”

Celestia nodded. “As you should. If there is nothing else, I need to get back to work.”

I scoffed at her. “You are working! We’re here on business except for the hug!”

She rolled her eyes. “Goodbye, Max. Take care, Crimson, and don’t kill anyone, Noir.”

Crimson nodded, I crossed my arms, and Noir looked a little too proud for my tastes, but we still left because there was no reason for us to stay any longer. I heard Celestia start giving orders to her steward to make sure that the training bullshit would get taken care of, so Crimson, Noir, and I made our way through town to the Artisan District where Coffee’s shop was. It didn’t take us too long to get there, only about forty-five minutes or so, but we didn’t stop for anything on the way there, preferring to get our shit out of the way before we stopped and grabbed lunch or something. Noir and I have Alicorn’s appetites and Crimson has a fast metabolism, so imagine our hunger when we got to Coffee’s place.

When we arrived, Coffee was actually in the front of her shop, trying to clean the place up a bit for once which surprise the Hell out of me and my party. I think she was more surprised, because she broke into a coughing fit and cursed at us until Noir walked up and slapped her shit for swearing at her. I would’ve chastised her, but Coffee respected Noir’s inability to put up with her shit.

“Alright. So what do you want?” Coffee asked a bit more politely than she usually would have.

I raised a hand. “Oi, we’re here for sharp shit, Preferably well made sharp shit, and you’re the one who makes the best shit.”

Coffee nodded. “Damn straight. You: tall, dark, and sexy. What do you want?” Wait, was she talking to Noir?

Apparently she was, because Noir said, “I want a seax. Do you know how to make them?”

“I sure do. You want me to take your measurements?” The craftswoman asked.

“Yes.” My mentor replied.

Coffee held up a finger and lightly trotted into the back of her shop. She returned a minute later with a tape measure, a notepad, and a fountain pen. She started measuring Noir’s arms and hands so that she could get a proper feel for the woman’s size. Once she was done, she looked at Crimson.

“Is there something you want too?” She asked.

Crimson coughed and pointed toward me. “While I appreciate it, you should probably take a look at the highest ranking fellow in the room.”

Coffee spared me glance. “He can wait. What do you want?”

He sighed. “I need a longsword. Preferably something that I can put a second hand on so I can get a bit more strength behind my swings, but nothing too long.”

Coffee raised a brow. “So a hand-and-a-halfer? I can do that pretty easily. What kind of steel do you want?”

“Can you do the ladder pattern like you did with my knife? It feels like it should be my signature or something.” Crimson smirked.

She returned it. “It’ll cost you extra, big colt.”

He rolled his eyes. “I’m an Operative. I’ve got the scratch.”

She pinched his nipple and he swatted her hand. “Whatever you say.” Coffee took his measurements, but this time she had him T-pose so she could measure the height of his arms from the ground and the length of his arms. It took a little longer than it had with Noir’s stuff, but I was sure that it was a necessary thing for her to do. When she finished, she turned and gave me a disapproving look.

“So what do you want?” She asked irritably.

“To fuck the attitude right out of you. I can do it as a girl or a guy, just tell me which you’d prefer.” I replied just as irritably.

Coffee tried to keep a straight face, but couldn’t. “Alright, that was pretty good. What do you want, O Mighty Prince?”

“First, for you to stop calling me by titles and shit. The name’s Max. Second, do you know how to make a Kopis?”

She raised a brow. “I can make one, but I’ve never actually tried. Might take some time and a bit of trial and error, but I could probably get it done. How do you want it?”

“I’d prefer an extended crossguard so I don't get my fingers chopper off and I want a gentle curve to it. I need it to chop and pierce if that tells you anything.”

“That’s how they bucking work, being swords or knives. Either way. Do you want it as a sword or a knife?” She asked moodily, her attitude returning.

“Sword. I’ve got enough knives.”

“A challenge. Gross.” After taking my measurements, she turned to Noir. “So how did a pretty mare like you get lumped in with a couple of knucklehead stallions like these?”

Noir raised a brow. “I am Maximus’ Mistress and Crimson is a part of the package when it comes to Max these days.”

Coffee blinked a couple times. “...Wait, are you a consort or something?”

I chuckled. “No, she’s saying she’s my mentor, my teacher. She makes me lethal, I make her cuter.”

Noir huffed. “I am not cute. I am magnificent.”

“And so modest at that.” Crimson said sarcastically.

She brought him closer with magic and whacked him one good time. He rubbed his shoulder and gave her a dirty look. “Didn't anypony ever tell you that it’s impolite to hit ponies?”

I gave him a look. “All three of us kill people.”

“So?”

Noir hit him again and he kicked her shit. My mentor gave him a bored look and changed her target to Coffee. “Would you happen to have a rapier? I need to stab this colt.”

Crimson came to stand behind me as Coffee said, “I don’t have any rapiers, but I have a foil if that’ll work.”

Noir looked at both of us and I raised a brow. “If you stab me, I’m spinning you again.”

She quickly looked away. “Nevermind.”

Coffee scratched her head and Crimson breathed a sigh of relief. I rolled my eyes and said. “Alright, we’ve all put our orders in. Coffee, How much do I owe you?”

She wrote down a number on her notepad and handed it to me. It was a little over five hundred bits, so I just wrote her a check and we got on with our day, leaving her to her business. It kind of sucked that we could have bought a house with that kind of scratch, but I wasn’t too concerned about it. Either way, there wasn’t all that much I could do about it, though I was hoping that she would deliver quality shit to us when she finished making. Crimson assured me that Coffee Cream was a perfectionist like no other, and if there was anyone who would be able to make what we needed, it would be her.

I wasn’t all that worried about Coffee Cream, but I was worried about getting around town to have someone make Noir a full set of clothing so she could get out of the itchy, stiff dress she’d been wearing since she’d come back to reality. She assured me that she could continue as she was, but even if she wasn’t really in my good books at the moment, I didn’t want her to be stuck in the same clothes for multiple days, though she assured me that it was a thing from the past that she was accustomed to. Still, we eventually found the shop of some dude named Jeff Letrotski that reminded me a lot of another dude and he told us that he could have a rush order done within four hours depending on what we wanted. Noir took over, and when she was finished and had given the fellow her measurements, we walked around Canterlot and stopped by the jazz joint that I was fond of. They were one of the few places in Canterlot that served actual chips made from potatoes, though they were awfully thick. I rather wished that they had some fish to go with them, but beggars can’t always be choosers and all that.

Octavia was actually playing when we got there, and when she went offstage, I asked the bartender if I was allowed to go visit her since I was a friend. She gave me a look and asked who I was, so I told her that I was Prince Maximus: A fact that she doubted until I flashed her the Old Emerald in my ring. She bowed behind the bar and asked if there was anything she could get me and I asked for a double shot of whatever was strongest. She provided and refused to take my money until I threatened to shove it in her ear like I was a magician with terrible tricks, though that made her laugh more than it made her scared. Still, she allowed me to go backstage and pointed out the right room to me.

Noir and Crimson opted to stay behind and devour chips on chips on chips, but I’d already gotten a basket for myself, so I wasn’t starving like I had been before we’d walked in. Going backstage was easier said than done, however, because I ran out of drink before I got there. I asked for a beer glass filled halfway with liquor and the bartender looked at me like I was crazy until I told her that I could handle that and then some. She just shrugged and gave it to me, so I sipped it on my way to see Octavia. On my way in, I stopped and knocked on the door, waiting for a reply before I came in. When I didn’t get one, I knocked again and she opened the door.

“Well hullo there, Octavia. It’s been awhile.” I gave her a smile.

“Two years to be exact. Why are you here?” She asked, a bit of an edge to her voice.

I shrugged. “I came to see my friend. I got caught up in some Operative business two years ago and I’ve only been in Equestria for a couple of months now. One of those months was spent in the Everfree and the other was in the Guard Barracks. Maybe we could trade some tales about what’s been going on with us?”

Octavia’s gaze softened and she turned on her hoof and walked away, leaving the door open as an invitation. I followed her in and she said, “I was wondering why you were gone so long. You were very good at keeping in touch.”

I shrugged. “It was out of my hands, Love. Didn’t have a choice in the matter.”

“I assumed you did not when you said it was Operative business.” She glanced at my hand and raised a brow. “The ring is new.”

I traded my drink into my right hand and looked at it. “My fiance designed it for me. I’m rather fond of it, even if I hate what it stands for.”

“It is a Signet Ring, is it not?” Octavia asked.

“It is.”

“So you are the new Prince?”

“That I am. How’s the jazz business been going for you?”

“I do more work with the Equestrian Harmonic these days, but I still love my work. I’ve put out two more albums since you’ve been away.”

“I’ll have to buy them and have you sign them for me. After all, no one knows how to work a cello like you do.”

“I learned how to play the bass as well.” She humble-bragged.

“Interesting. Do you play very often, or do you maintain your cello playing most of the time?”

“I most often play the bass for Vinyl. We got engaged.”

“Same here. So when are you two getting married?”

“We do not have a set date yet, but I would be delighted to have you attend.”

“I’ll happily come, especially if it’s for you two. Both of you are fun in your own rights.” I smiled.

Octavia gave me a look. “You may not lay my mare again.”

“Wasn’t expecting to. I’ve got enough ‘mares’ of my own to lay, and they all culminate into the same person.”

“So your beloved is your preferred mare?”

“She is. I rather like her.” I said proudly.

“If you are the new Prince, then does that mean that your love is Her Royal Highness, Twilight Sparkle?”

“She’d blush if you called her that, but yeah. She’s my woman.”

“I know many ponies that have expressed interest in her.” Octavia said none too subtly.

“Give me names and the body count rises.” I said in a low tone.

Octavia shivered and held her elbows. “I think it best that I hold my tongue. After all, a Princess is often lusted after anyway. There is no need for violence.”

“There may be no need, but there is always a desire when one knows that their partner is desired by those who may not have the most admirable intentions.”

She nodded. “I understand the feeling, but one must trust their other half to make their own decisions and to fend for themselves.”

I drained half of my drink and shuddered. “One must trust their other half to speak up when they’re becoming burdened as well, but that shit don’t always happen.”

“It does not. Is there something on your mind, Maximus?”

“No. Not in particular.”

“That isn’t the truth.”

“Burdening you with my troubles isn’t worth it. How is Vinyl doing?”

“She is well, though she has expressed some discontent in her latest ventures. She wishes that she could branch out and explore new kinds of music.”

“Tell her to stop by my house in Ponyville. I have something to show her, I guess.”

Octavia shrugged. “I will, but do not put your hands on her.”

“I’ll be sure to finger her rectum, as per your request.”

I received a womanly look and exited the backstage area shortly after. There wasn’t much for me to do anymore, so I drained the rest of my glass, set it down on the bar near the bartender, and returned to find Noir bashing more chips like they were going out of style. I sat and had some for myself after sitting next to her, and when I reached for her last chip, she used magic to snatch it away from me. She, Crimson, and I burned a few more hours, shooting the shit, talking about nothing in particular while nothing really happened. A fellow with a bass guitar and a lady with a saxophone hit the stage and made some pretty decent music for an hour with breaks in between, and once they finished their set, Octavia came back on stage with another sax player, a fellow with a trumpet, and someone on the piano. That was one Hell of a set, and they ended up playing for a couple hours. By the time we left, we’d eaten up enough time that we could go back to Letrotski’s shop and pick up Noir’s clothes. I was secretly hoping that the extra hundred bits I’d slipped him would ensure some good quality.

We walked back across town and the day was pretty warm, so we stopped and got ice cream since we had that kind of liberty. With our ice cream in hand, we did some more shit, ate some chocolate, and got over to Letrotski’s shop without any real interruptions. Well, plenty of people stared at Noir and a couple of fellows from a theatre asked if she was dressed up for a historical drama or something, and when she told them that she was actually an Alicorn that was older than either of The Princesses, they were shocked and asked how she’d gone so long without being known of. She pointed at me and I explained that she’d been a spirit for awhile, but that I’d returned her physical body to her. I also mentioned that she was a Queen before Discord took over, but they didn’t believe that until she used the Royal 'Canterlot' Voice to bowl them over. Shit was funny.

We got to the little clothing shop and Letrotski had actually had four outfits made for Noir by three of the less experienced seamtresses and tailors while he himself had a hand in making the original. Apparently the dude had gotten some inspiration and had drawn up two casual outfits that were kind of old-timey and made another dress in lighter materials that accentuated Noir’s figure rather well. She wasn’t terribly fond, but he’d also had some matching lingerie made for each outfit, and frankly, I was shocked that the guy was so effective. When he told me that the extra hundred bits I’d given him had gone toward the livery, I paid him quadruple the original amount we’d agreed on since he’d made twice the number of things we’d asked for. He tried to negotiate for the cost of materials and enough to pay his employees a moderate bonus, but since I was already writing a check, he didn’t have much time to talk. When I gave it to him, he blinked a couple of times and asked why I was paying so much. I told him it was because I liked what he had made and that making multiple things that my near and dear mentor liked was worthy of a little extra. He was happy to give the majority of his earnings to his employees and that made me want to pay him more, but instead, I asked if he would mind helping me with a little pet project in the future. The very near future. Crimson stood nearby while Noir looked a little anxious, so I asked if I could have a word with Letrotski in a moment and took Noir aside.

When I got Noir outside (Alone, of course), she thanked me for paying for her things and swore to return the favour someday, which pissed me off a little. I told Noir that I hadn't helped her for the sake of a favour in return, rather, I’d done so because she was one of the people I trusted most in the world and I wanted to repay her for her loyalty. When Noir went to speak, I put a hand on her arm and told her that if she really wanted to repay me, then she could help me gauge the abilities of my team members so I could lead them more effectively, but she said that she would go a step further and would happily become one of my Generals if I ever got my own kingdom. There was something about the way she said it that raised a flag in my mind, but even now, I don’t think that Noir would hide such important information from me if she knew something about Twilight and myself getting a place of our own to rule.

Noir and I went back inside to find Crimson and Letrotski conferring about fashion, and even though my main man had been removed from the Equestrian Equation for a year or so, he still had some interesting insight on the subject because he’s a fucking twink and they all do. It’s a stereotype that I’m embarrassed that he fills, but the dude does fill it and these are my fucking journals, and I’m beholden to no one within their pages, so go fuck yourself if you think I’m being homophobic. I ain’t scared of no one besides Noir and maybe Discord, so again, go fuck yourself.

Either way, I stepped into their conversation and listened to what they had to say, and when I mentioned that I was looking for someone skilled in design and production to help me come up with a uniform for the team I was putting together, Crimson’s eyes lit up and Letrotski looked quite interested in what I had to say. We took some time and I wrote Letrotski a check for a thousand bits to make Noir some more clothes and livery before we got down to the real business. Noir herself was in charge of designing what she wanted to wear along with the seamstresses and the pair of tailors, and Letrotski trusted them enough to get her shit done right, so he, Crimson, and I went to a back room and I started getting out some rough sketches of what I wanted. Essentially, I wanted suits that would allow freedom of movement, so they needed to be made out of a light material, but I told Letrotski that I wanted them to be slash and stab resistant if not stab proof. He was surprised that I basically wanted suits made of silk that were practically suits of light armor, but when I flashed him my Signet Ring and told him that I was Prince Maximus of Equestria, his jaw dropped and so did he, though he only dropped to one knee. I gave him the order to rise and asked that he keep this project a secret from anyone without a Royal Seal, and he swore that he would. Once we got that little bit out of the way, I learned some interesting things about Letrotski, like that he actually knew a guy who knew a guy who’d been making plainclothes armor for mercs for some time now. I asked him if he could contact him and get materials to make what I needed and he told me that it would be his first priority and that he would contact me as soon as he had the suits made.

Once we had that sorted, we got the design finished and the rest of the process was pretty much just deciding on where to place the Seals. I suggested that they go over the left breast, and they told me that it was quite tasteful, though both of them seemed surprised that I didn’t suggest that we just throw it on the back. I was a little offended, but that didn’t dissuade me from suggesting exactly that just to fuck with them. Letrotski was hesitant to tell me that it was a bad idea, but Crimson told me to shut up and I just gave him a shit eating grin. I also suggested that we have the Seals be different for every person in my team, and when I was asked to expound upon my meaning, I told them that I wanted the seals to match everyone’s color schemes. I put my seal on paper for Letrotski and said that I wanted mine in grey and blue, Crimson’s in black and red, and Noir’s in black and blue. We would get the rest of the team set up, but when I went over to the wardrobe and asked for Pinkie, Letrotski looked at me like I was crazy until she stepped out. I had him take our measurements and get our stuff situated. It took a few minutes, but once he had everyone measured, Pinkie dived off into the wardrobe and off into oblivion once more, but when Letrotski went to check where she’d gone, he was shocked to find that she wasn’t in there anymore. Crimson and I told him to not think about it too hard, even though I understood what Pinkie was doing to a point.

We caught Noir helping design a new series of old fashioned elegant dresses that the seamstresses absolutely loved, though when she mentioned that bright colors defeated the whole ‘modesty’ thing, they started pointing out that some parts of Noir’s own designs were meant to show off features of a woman’s body and she let them run with the ideas they had since she didn’t really care that much either way. Still, I think everyone had a bit of fun while we were there and I got my armor situation sorted out, so that was nice. I helped Noir carry some of our bags and we went outside to Shadow Dive home, surfacing in my closet as per the usual. Crimson was the last one out and I asked him why it had taken him so long to finally come out of the closet, but Noir was the only one who got the joke and I got hit for making it.

It was worth it.

Noir and Crimson wanted to head out back to settle their little score, but I advised Noir to avoid dirtying any of her clothes since they were new. She totally ignored me and went out back to go make Crimson regret asking for a match. I went out with them and officiated. I’d describe the fight, but all that happened included Noir throwing two punches at Crimson that he never had a hope of dodging and him surrendering before she actually hurt him. It was amusing to hear him admit defeat before ever getting hit, but when Noir asked me if I wanted to go a round, I asked that I be allowed to use Primal Mode and she said no, so my verse was the same as the first. With that being said, I asked if anyone had plans for the day and Crimson suggested we all go for a run. Noir actually had gotten someone to come up with a quick bit of sporting apparel in an hour so she actually could come with Crimson and myself, so I agreed to the run and we had some fun. Noir was a little faster than either of us due to the sheer length of her strides, but when we put forth a little effort to keep up with her, things got a little rougher because Noir was trying to run us ragged anyway. She underestimated my stamina, however, and I had a little bit more to give than Crimson. We managed a few circuits around Ponyville before he gave in and I stopped with him since I’m nice like that. Noir circled back after she realized we weren’t behind her and we let Crimson catch his breath. We were on Twilight’s side of town, so I suggested that they go and do some bonding or some shit while I said hi and they wished me the best of luck since the circumstances weren’t looking good.

As I headed to Twilight’s, I let the sweat drip and collect where it felt like after taking my shirt off since I knew that showing up like that would attract her attention. I sure got plenty of looks on my way to her house, and the confidence boosting wolf-whistles I got from a few ladies on the way there were enough to put a smile on my face. I’d caught my breath by the time I got there, but when I showed up on Twilight’s stoop, she was the one who was breathless for a few seconds. I let Twilight stare for a little while, but when I went to speak, she put a finger to my lips and licked my face, which was weird, but weird in a good way.

“Am I that appetizing?” I asked huskily.

Twilight’s eyes were full of fire. “I want you inside of me.”

I stared at her for a moment. “...Twilight.”

She grabbed my hand and started tugging me inside, so I let her. “Less talking, more bucking, okay?”

I held on firmly and kicked the door shut behind us. “Cherry, where’s Spike?”

“He’s at Applejack’s for two weeks and Fluttershy’s for two more. Why are you still talking?” Twilight asked irritably,

I dug my heels in when she tried to drag me upstairs. “Twilight Sparkle, are you in estrus right now?”

She looked at me, the same lustful look in her eyes. “Does it really matter? I just want my sweet, sweaty amour in my bed. Right now. This moment.”

I tried to pull my hand away from her, but she held fast. “Twilight Sparkle, we have an agreement!”

She started glaring. “Oh hush, won’t you! I know that!”

I tried to be patient. “Then won’t you please honor it? We wait until our wedding night and not a moment sooner, right?”

Twilight jutted her chin forward. “Either you take care of it or I find somepony else to do it.”

Fucking what.

I slowly tilted my head and looked at her like she’d just lost her damn mind. “Did you just say that you were going to cheat on me?”

She levelled a look at me. “I will if you don’t give me what I want.”

“Name one time I’ve put my hands on you.” I asked softly.

My fiance gave me a weird look. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“The last time I put my hands on you was when I was so drunk, I didn’t realize what I was doing, right? I apologized from the bottom of my heart, right?”

She shook her head. “Honestly Max, what does that have to do-”

“Twilight, I swear on your grave, on the life we have together, if you hurt me like that, I will never forget it.”

Twilight looked at me like I’d said something she wasn’t expecting. “Excuse me?”

I cupped her face softly. “If you cheat on me, I won’t forget that. That act is something I will never forgive you for, Twilight, so think very hard before you do it.”

She shoved me. “Do you think you know what this is like, Max!? Do you think you know what estrus is like!?”

I tilted my head and came closer. “Describe it to me.”

“I-It’s like a never ending fire! It just makes you feel so hot like you need to be doused in ice water, o-or that the only thing that will ever satisfy you is the feeling of having somepony reach you in the deepest way! It’s such an intense desire that only an Alicorn- Max, what are you doing?” Twilight asked fearfully.

I thrust my left hand into her, searching around for whatever the fuck it was that she was feeling. Twilight’s breath caught and she panicked hard, but she was so stunned that my hand was inside of her that she just didn’t move, and I figured that I had a very limited amount of time before she fainted or something from shock. While I was feeling around, I felt a few things, like a prickly thing that had to be the panic, something that tingled, which had to be the shock, but I had to keep going to feel something else, and then I found it. I found the incredibly hot, rather dirty feeling ball of whatever-the-fuck and I plucked it out from around the area I thought that Twilight’s womb occupied. Once it was out, I could practically feel it looking at me and my hand started gravitating toward my nether regions against my will, but I have more willpower than I do libido these days, so it wasn’t that hard to keep it from going there. I swapped hands and the heat intensified.

Then the ball grew eyes, lips, and a nose. It gave me a sultry look. I chose to ignore that.

I looked at Twilight. “How are you feeling?”

She stared at the ball. “Oh dear Celestia…”

“...Did I get the right thing?” I asked.

Twilight blinked a few times. “...I think so… Max, is that my estrus in physical form?”

“It’s not in a physical form. This is a representation that makes sense to me.” The ball winked and licked its lips. “I think it wants to blow me.”

“...It has a mind of its own.” Twilight breathed.

“Bitch, it might do.”

The ball spun around to look at Twilight and she gasped. The little thing started to warp and wiggle until it took a humanoid shape, but of course it looked like a Pony after a few minutes. I don’t know if it was me or the Estrus Construct, but it made a pole and started dancing on it and I couldn’t help but feel the familiar hunger that came with wanting to fuck something until it stopped moving. I looked at Twilight, but all I could see was shock in her.

“Twilight.” I said, my voice a bit deeper than it usually sounded.

She started and looked at me. “I’m sorry, what?”

“How about I take you up on that offer? It might be good for us to consummate our relationship.” I smirked.

Twilight circled me and started backing away toward the library. “...Amour?” She asked weakly.

I followed her. “Yes, Cherry?”

“Y-You’re scaring me.”

I blinked a couple of times and looked at the thing in my hand. It stomped its foot and pointed toward Twilight. My Twilight. “Don’t be scared, Cherry. It’ll be okay.”

“M-Maybe we should just put that s-somewhere. S-somewhere away from us…” She suggested, still backing away.

I cocked my head and looked at the thing. It was jumping up and down in my hand while pointing at Twilight. “...Maybe you’re right. Get Cadance here and tell her to bring a crystal.” I said softly.

Twilight was gone in an instant and the little Estrus Construct glared at me, pulling at its mane, its mouth open in a silent scream. I knew that what I was feeling wasn’t coming from me now, and I knew how to deal with a little extra sexual appetite. I was rock hard and if Twilight wasn’t going to be here to help me with it, then I was going to have to take care of myself. When that thought crossed my mind, the Estrus Construct stopped pulling at its hair and crossed its arms, turning more Human than Pony. It started tapping its foot and rolled its hand forward, gesturing for me to get on with it if I wasn’t going to fuck Twilight, but before I could unzip my trousers, Cadance and Twilight reappeared and the lust came back. The thing grew a dick and pointed towards them while gently stroking itself and I just looked at it like it was fucking stupid. That was a turn off and the heat that I hadn't realized had been spreading through my body stopped and went cold.

I looked at the crystal in Cadance’s grasp and reached for it with my left hand, stealing it from her. The Estrus Construct realized what was happening and fell to its knees, folding it’s hands and practically begging for mercy. I raised a brow at it and shoved it into the crystal. With that settled, I memorized what it looked like and dropped it off into the Castle in the Everfree because I might need it later.

“Well that’s taken care of. No one’s cheating on anyone, no one’s practically raping anything.” I looked down. “And I’m still harder than diamonds. Thanks for the crystal, Candy Arse.”

Cadance stared at me. “Max, I make it a habit to not use coarse language, but what the buck was that?”

“Estrus in physical form.” I answered simply.

“You told me that it wasn’t in a physical form!” Twilight protested.

“It’s easier to explain like that. I know how much you like the truth and exact answers.” I replied.

Twilight facepalmed and Cadance looked confused. “I’m sorry, did you just say that the little naked pony that was touching itself was actually estrus?”

“Twilight’s estrus to be exact.” I said proudly.

Cadance turned her gazed to Twilight. “...Is that true?”

Twilight clutched her necklace. “Cadance, Max reached into me and pulled it out. I don’t feel hot anymore so yes, I’m assuming that it was my estrus.”

I came over to Twilight and held her face gently, gazing deeply into her eyes. They flickered down for a moment and she laid a hand on my chest, tracing my muscles. “How’s your sex drive feeling?” I asked huskily.

She gave Cadance a glance and whispered, “I could do with a favour or two while you’re dressed for it.”

Cadance pretended not to hear that. “So… Can I go back home and forget that whatever just happened actually did happen?”

Twilight and I looked at each other for a while longer before I turned to her and asked, “Well, Twilight and I have her house to ourselves for a while, so unless you wanna watch what happens after this…” I spread a hand and pursed my lips.

Cadance was silent for a long moment. “Can I watch?”

Twilight blushed hard and I shrugged. “It’s fine by me.”

“Th-That’s fine by me too.” Twilight said a bit anxiously.

Cadance bit her lip and looked off to the side. “...Maybe I shouldn’t. I don’t think Shining would be too happy to find out that I watched his sister and the stallion he despises most go and do… Things.”

I shrugged. “It’s up to you. Neither of us are ever going to tell him about what we do.”

Twilight laughed nervously. “It would be a bit weird if I said anything to him.”

Cadance balled a fist over her heart. “Well… What harm-”

“Nope, don’t say that.” I interrupted. “Bad things happen when you finish that.”

She gave me a look. “Don’t be superstitious.”

I returned her look with a droll one of my own. “We live in a place where mentioning something makes it happen within minutes most of the time.” I turned to Twilight. “Remember when we said that we wished you had some cake and Spike came downstairs and started baking one for no reason?”

Twilight pursed her lips. “I think you’re just being superstitious, Amour.”

I rolled my eyes. “Say what you want. I think you’re about to bring some bad juju down on us and I’m not having it.”

Twilight went to start talking and I kissed her to forestall anymore of that needless noise. Instead of doing more noise making, I picked her up so we could do some of the better kind of noise making with Cadance following a little ways behind. I don’t feel like describing that since I feel like it just doesn’t bear repeating, but I spent the rest of my day at Twilight’s and Cadance went home eventually. I filled my journal out to right aboooout… Here! Kek.

I sit here with Twilight on her couch, writing things down and I realize how fucking bullshit my ability is. It’s some slept on bullshit that I never even put that much thought into the applications of, but now that I see that I can take anything… I’m a little scared. More scared than I was when I had Dark Magic… But I know now. I know what I have to take from Discord and it can’t be his Soul for fear of turning evil myself. It can’t be his will because his might be stronger than mine. No… I don’t even want to write it down, but I have an idea, and it just might work.

Author's Note

Writing this chapter was fun, and no, before you say it, you did not call the fact that Max was going to be able to teleport with True Theft. It's great that you came to that conclusion on your own, but this chapter was written at least two weeks before Chapter Forty-Six was posted. I keep a nice backlog of chapters so I can write when I feel like it, but now that I'm working, that backlog might get cut down a bit.

That being said, I hope you enjoyed the shenanigans and the expansion of what Max can use his powers for. If you have any comments, questions, or concerns, leave a comment or send me a PM. I'll most likely address it when I have the time, but for now, go bite the face off of a five pound gummi-bear and tell me that's it's not satisfying. I dare you.

As Always, Stick Your Fingers In Multiple Bums

Stay Cool, Kids.

Chapter Forty-Eight: Friends From All Walks
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Forty-Eight: Friends From All Walks

Chapter Forty-Eight: Friends From All Walks

I woke up in Twilight’s bed, and luckily I’d had a shower the night before. Twilight had been rather against it since she wanted to smell me in her bed, but I just gave her the shirt I’d been wearing and she put it in one of her empty nightstand drawers, which was a little strange in my books, but then again, I’d asked for her hand in marriage, so I was either going to get used to the weird or I was going to get gone, and the latter isn’t an option. Waking up next to her always enforces that feeling in my heart, so when I woke her up before dawn with gentle kisses, I couldn’t say that I was upset. She was a little annoyed that I’d woken her up at four in the morning, but I still don’t sleep all that much as long as I eat plenty, though Twilight does love her sleep.

We rose and I got a mental message from Noir telling me that she and Crimson had been up all night, trading stories and doing their damndest to drink me out of house and home. I wasn’t complaining since they weren’t smoking up my stash, but they could’ve at least asked. It made me think about a ‘Bring your own booze’ policy in my house when I started getting my group together, and that reminded me of the fact that I needed to start getting them together. Before Twilight went back to sleep, I asked her if she would mind if I turned on one of her lamps. She rolled over, grumbling about me and my constant need to do stuff, so I stopped before I could turn the light on and gave her some cuddles until the Sun rose high enough for me to see by its light.

I started sending out letters to my list of possible team members, though the list had gotten a little hazy. True Theft allowed me to never leave Twilight’s bed while I was writing, which was nicer than you might ever know unless you’re a cheatsy Unicorn who teleports stuff into your hands like Celestia and Luna. Either way, I wrote to Starlight first since she was a couple hours behind me, just to annoy her. My plan was to ask people if they were interested in the team first, so I wasn’t expecting a response right away. I did, however, Seal the papers so they couldn’t be read by anyone who wasn’t the intended recipient, so that would ensure that Adstus remained a relatively secret organization unless someone ignored my direct orders as a Prince.

The first response I got was from Swift Strike while I was making breakfast for Twilight. He asked if he could show up before the allotted time at the end of the week and I told him that I could bring him to my house later in the day if he really wanted to get here fast. I don’t know where he got Dragon Fire from, but I was glad he had it since he was one of the people I wanted most in my squad. I handed him a note using True Theft with my Seal on it (which made it an official document) and told him that he was released from duty as a guard whenever he felt like showing the note to Dirge. Dude sent me back a note that said he was already in Dirges office and was going home to pack his essentials as we spoke.

The next reply I got was during my exchange with Swift, and much to my surprise, it was from Iron Hoof. She said that Stalwart, Day, Shaggy, and Moon were all a little scared of Operative training, but that she would happily go through it if it meant fulfilling her dream of being in direct service to The Crown, or rather, The Ring. I wrote back and handed her a similar note to the one that I’d given Stalwart and told her to reply as soon as possible or to just come to my house in Ponyville by the end of the deadline. I started getting notes from the rest of my group including Bronze Stud that basically said that they weren’t confident that they would make it through the rigorous training I had described to them, though they would be happy to serve me as guards. I gave them each a personal note explaining that I was disappointed with their decisions, but respected them all the same.

I had only known Crystal Shade’s name, so my correspondence with her was through Luna, though by the time it was through, she told me that she would be in Ponyville by the end of the deadline, one way or another and that she looked forward to meeting the newest member of Royalty. I sighed when she reminded me that I was a Prince, but the whole thing was one big reminder of the responsibilities I now had. She’d seemed cordial enough in her notes, but I assumed that it was because I was a Prince instead of her just being a amicable person.

While Twilight was in the middle of reorganizing her library for the umpteenth time and I was keeping up a correspondence with multiple parties at once. Starshine Nebula contacted me and told me to stop acting like I was a member of Royalty before she came to wherever I was and handed me in to Celestia herself for treason, perjury, and impersonation. I told Twilight that I was going to be gone for an hour at most and explained why I was leaving, and once I’d done that, I pulled myself through space and time, waited through the acid trip that was the fourth and fifth dimension, and arrived in Nebula’s house.

I went to her front door and knocked a couple of times and she came speeding out of the corridor she usually disappeared down while I was over like there were Hellhounds on her heels. When she came to a stop, staring at me wide-eyed, I waved and said, “Wotcher.”

Nebula continued staring. “...How did you get in here?”

“Alicorn Magic, Baby. I don’t have to explain shit.” I smirked.

“No, you don’t understand. There are so many wards on my house that Luna has trouble getting in here. How did you get past my wards?” She asked shakily.

I held up my left hand. “Alicorn. Magic.”

Starshine ran her hands through her hair and her jaw dropped. “...Are you seriously saying that you’re stronger than Luna?”

“No, I’m saying she’s more versatile than I am. I’m more potent in the things I actually can do. Now, if you don’t mind, we have business to discuss, Love.”

She looked around. “...You teleported in, right?”

“Kinda sorta, not really. I remember where the kitchen is, so unless you want to have a seat on the couch…” I gestured toward her.

She shook her head. “I don’t want to join your team.”

“You get to poison hundreds of people.” I offered.

Her jaw dropped again. “What?”

“I’ll explain why and how if you join my team. There’s even a rather nice looking uniform that you don’t have to wear all the time. Hell, you probably won’t have to wear it at all until you start poisoning people.”

“...What if I don’t want to poison people?”

“If you don’t want to use your research, why do it?” I asked, crossing my arms.

She glared at me. “Maybe I’m just doing it for The Princesses and not for myself.”

“Maybe I could have you arrested on charges of attemtped genocide since I know you still have your ‘Special Sauce’ and the E.Q. to make more of it in this very house.”

“You don’t have the authority for that!” Nebula protested. No, I don’t have the lack of morals to do that.

I strode up to her and flashed her my ring. “Don’t I?”

Her heart started beating erratically. “...Holy shit, you really are the new Prince.”

I raised a brow at her. “You’ll make good money, working with me. By technicalities, you’ll be working under me, but your input will be valued and Crimson will be there.”

She glowered. “Crimson’s dead, you absolute ass.”

My brow stayed raised. “You realize you just called a Prince of Equestria an ‘ass’, right?”

Nebula licked her lips nervously. “You wouldn’t arrest me for something so petty.”

There was an unspoken question between us.

I waited a moment before responding. “You’re right. I wouldn’t.” She let out a breath. “Nor will I have you arrested at all while you’re still working for The Crown. Nebula, I want you on my team, and you’ve come as a special recommendation from Luna herself. Whether or not you accept, Crimson still leads my team and I can find another medic. You’ll still be used in the future. You’ll still be an Agent of The Crown.”

The glare returned. “Unless you know something I don’t, Crimson’s still dead. He went dark almost two years ago. Don’t you try and use him to sway me.” She spat.

I rolled my eyes. “I assure you that he’s alive and well. He’s currently in my home, though I’m willing to bet that he’s asleep since he just spent the night talking to my mentor. Believe me or not, if you accept my proposition, you’ll see him again.”

Nebula licked her lips again. “...You said I have a week, right?”

I nodded. “You do.”

“...I’ll see you then. My house-”

“Your house will either be taken care of or remain untouched. Living in my house isn’t a permanent deal.” I interrupted.

She chewed on that for a moment. “How’s the pay?”

“It’s up for deliberation. My steward slash fiance will help me negotiate a fair price once we get everyone assembled.”

She sighed. “Better than working on commissions, I guess. How big is your house?”

“Big enough to comfortably house eight people.” I responded.

Her eyes widened slightly. “It’s in Ponyville, right?”

I nodded. “It is.”

“That’s where Princess Twilight is, right?”

“Yes, my fiance lives in town.”

She stared at me. “Buck me… Are you saying that I’ll have two sets of Royal eyes on me at all times?”

I gave her a look. “Woman, you can take care of yourself. Don’t make me treat you like a child and I won’t. Believe me when I say I’d rather be looking at Twilight than at you, and that goes both ways.”

Nebula sighed again, but this time in relief. “Good. That’s good. I have enough of Princess Celestia breathing down my neck already.”

I rolled my eyes. “So you’re a definite? You want to join Adstus?”

“I guess I am. If you’re lying about Crimson, however, I’m slipping you Red Menace.”

“I don’t stay dead too good, Love, and you better believe that I’ll fuck you up worse than any of your poisons ever could do to me. Or my mentor will. She’s six thousand years old and very adept at keeping people alive for as long as she wants.”

Starshine blinked. “Wait, are you saying that you’re immortal?”

“What has two thumbs and is an Alicorn Abomination.” I jerked my thumbs toward myself.

“...No wings, no horn. Sorry, but I’m not seeing it.”

I shrugged and reached through the ether to palm her arse. She jumped a meter into the air and landed with a hearty ‘clop’. “It’s in the wizard shit. If we’re done here, I need to go home and enjoy my last few hours of peace before things get hectic.”

She nodded and I pulled myself through the dimensions again, though the trip felt a little shorter than it had the last time. When I popped into Twilight living room/library, she was nowhere to be seen, but I could hear her heartbeat in the kitchen and went to go sit with her for a while since I liked her company. Twilight’s a nice lady, and I like to spend time with her like that. While we were drinking coffee, Noir came over and Twilight started acting rather cold, so I had them clear the air, but the only way Twilight was going to forgive her was if she apologized to Rarity for what she said. Noir refused to do so since she’d only spoken the truth and had said it in the nicest way she knew how, but Twilight wanted what she wanted, so I asked Noir if she would mind too terribly while I went to go ask Onyx if he would help Crimson train my recruits. Noir didn’t make much of a fuss and said that she would go and see her, but she made no promises regarding whether or not she would make it better or worse. I guess that was all I could ask of her, though I did request that she specifically apologize for hurting Rarity rather than apologizing for what she actually said.

Twilight opted to go and collect Spike from Applejack’s house while I went to go see Onyx, and I would’ve offered to see her there, but she was still a little miffed with Noir, so I figured she could use some alone time. I was wrong, of course, but I like alone time when I’m upset, and I think that everyone should take a little space to get themselves sorted if they’re really that upset. Something the girls could stand to learn.

Anyway, the walk over to Onyx’s was just fine and when I got there, Knuckle had the day off for some reason or other, so he was manning the front counter himself. I greeted him pleasantly and he gave me a silent nod, so I asked him if I could have a moment of his time. He looked around his empty shop and told me to stop being a dumbass, so I did and went ahead with voicing my request. He agreed on the condition that he be allowed to do as he used to with Crimson, and I agreed since my employee was one of the toughest fellows out there. Onyx asked when he would start, and I told him that we would begin training after this week when I had my team assembled. Things were setting up pretty well, but when I mentioned paying him, he just asked for a hundred bits a week to make up for the time he was going to lose and asked how long the training was going to last. Without any prior experience in training people, I didn’t really have a clue, so he just said that he would do it until everyone was nice and prepped for good old-fashioned murderizing of faces.

When I left, I just went to Trixie’s house for a visit and that went pretty well. We chatted about current events over some tea and she asked if I was excited to attend her wedding, which had totally slipped my mind in the weird shit that is my day to day life. I didn't’ tell her that since I knew she’d be offended, so I just told her that it had been on my mind and that I’d been wondering what the color scheme was since she’d never actually told me. Trixie let me know that I could just wear a black suit and I would be fine, so I asked about the color of the tie and she told me that blue would be preferable, though she’d already gotten me one. I sent to to my bed with my True Magic and Trixie came at me with a boat-load of questions and I explained how I understood it best to her, though she was fucking lost by the time I stopped talking, which was to be expected. There wasn’t much I really understood myself, but I got it at the ground level and apparently knew my power well enough to pluck estrus and souls from things, so I couldn’t say that I was terribly concerned with gaining a deeper understanding of it. However, I did need to get faster at in, and that would require a live target that I didn’t give a single fuck about.

I ended my visit with Trixie when Orchid showed up because she still doesn’t like me much. I try to be nice to her, but the most we ever accomplish is a certain manner of civility that we only keep to stop Trixie from feeling like we were at war with each other. I know Orchid just doesn’t like me, but that doesn’t mean I have to stop liking her. After all, she makes Trixie happy and that makes me happy, so I’ll deal with it until the time comes when we can’t stand to be in the same room. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that point, but you never know.

I continued on with my day and went to go see my Mum because I felt like it, but then I got a note from Starshine that needed to be addressed. She’d written back that she wanted a lab so she could continue her research and I told her that I had a small-time lab in my house that had never been used by anyone. Like, ever. I didn’t need it for anything, Twilight had her own lab, and Trixie was more into magic than science, so no one ever bothered to actually use the damn thing, though Twilight had commented on it whenever we used the observatory. It was something we actually needed to use, so I told Starshine that I could most likely have my fiance teleport some of her things over if I didn’t have the necessary components, but she assured me that a lab that actually was worth having would be one worth using.

After that, I took my happy arse over to see Fluttershy for a little bit and that was also a nice visit. We sat and talked for a few hours, taking the piss with each other like we used to when we were dating, and sipping on some fantastic tea. Fluttershy’s connection for the stuff had only gotten better over the years and she brewed us up a pot of something called ‘Saddle Arabian Blue Lotus’. It was rather nice, but when she made a second pot of something called ‘Barkelona Blitz’, the shit was absolute bollocks to the taste buds. Like, the tea was so bad, neither of us could stand more than a sip, and it wasn’t because it was strong or particularly flavourful. It was actually just so incredibly similar to Dog food that neither of us could bear to finish a cup, let alone the pot. Fluttershy ended up letting some of her carnivorous animals give it a shot and they were fine with it, thought most were content with a few sips.

The visit with Fluttershy took up a few hours, and by the time I was ready to leave, I received a letter from Swift telling me that he was ready to go. I gave Fluttershy a hug before stealing myself away from her house, though my landing in Swift’s flat was a little rough since I landed on the guy. He caught me pretty well, but we hadn't been expecting me to be in his arms when I arrived, and when he dropped me, I cursed him to high Heaven and back down to Hell for being a shit-burgling, Prince-dropping, arse-head. I got over it soon enough and started taking his stuff to my house with my True Magic, talking to him all the while. When I finished putting his bags in my living room, I asked if he wanted to take anything else with him and he pulled a fucking glaive from a weapon stand and asked if he was ever going to need it. I told him that he probably would since he accepted the job and took that to my place too.

Travelling through the dimensions with Swift was a fucking trip. I was getting used to the acid trip that was my version of teleportation, but as I held onto Swift, he just gaped at the expanse. After a few minutes of silence (or a few seconds, I suppose), Swift asked, “What is this place?”

“This is the fifth dimension, my friend. It might be the fourth and fifth in a visual representation, but that’s what it is.” I replied calmly.

“...Wow.”

“I know, right? It’s a trip your first time around, but you get used to it after a few times. Hopefully an Earth Pony such as yourself won’t have to see it much, but it’s an interesting thing to tell the grandkids about.”

“You’re telling me. This place is wild…” He looked around some more.

I just let us float on for awhile. “Stuff like this isn’t exactly common, but you’ll probably be experiencing some weird shit while working with me. Like I said in my letter, this isn’t an easy detail.”

“I didn’t agree because it was easy. I just feel like I’ve got more to give to Equestria than I’m currently doing as a guard, you know?”

“I don’t understand the feeling, but I know where you’re coming from. I suppose you could say I’ve been giving what I could to Equestria ever since I first got here.”

Swift was quiet for another few moments, but before he could say anything, we were thrust into my house and he tripped over his own bags. I got him to his feet and asked him to be quiet long enough for me to hear what Crimson was up to, and when I listened in, he was sound asleep in his room, so I offered Swift a quick tour of my house and showed him the three rooms that had already been claimed. He took another of the rooms on the first floor and we started getting his stuff moved in, though I shouldn’t have been so surprised about how well kempt he’d been while packing. After all, he was a fucking soldier and I really should’ve expected it from him.

Once he was in, I asked him if he wanted to go grab dinner or something and he seemed to think that dinner between two dudes was a little strange, but then I pointed out that I was already a well known figure in Ponyville who had only ever been caught kissing ladies, one way or the other, and that most people would probably assume that he was a friend of mine from somewhere or other. Just to fuck with him, I paid for dinner, but the main event was that Noir and Rarity were there at Blossoms and Blooms. Noir was actually eating while Rarity was picking and poking at her plate, glaring daggers at me the entire time. I figured an apology then and there would be in order, so I excused myself from Swift’s company and came over to give Rarity a half-arsed heartfelt apology. She wasn’t really trying to hear it, but she did say that she appreciated my efforts.

I went back to dinner with Swift and we talked about a few things like the training regimen and how I expected him to help me come up with house rules while we were getting things settled. It didn’t have to be today, but I needed to get everyone on the same page before shit started getting weird or uncomfortable, and getting rules like that in place just so happens to be the best way to accomplish that. Swift and I bounced a few idea while we were finishing up, and when we departed, we changed topics and talked about fights we’d won or lost, depending on how we saw the victory conditions. I was a little surprised to learn that Swift was a killer, but when he explained that he’d been facing a long sentence in Tartarus or a lifetime in The Guard, he’d chosen The Guard because it was his lifelong dream to become one. It was just that his violent streak was a bit more lethal than anyone else’s.

I understood that feeling.

We got back home and Crimson was just waking his arse up, so I asked him if I needed to have Twilight put him back to sleep for a few hours so he could get his sleep schedule correct. He groggily told me that a good Operative can sleep wherever, whenever, and that he was a damn good Operative. While I had my Captain awake, I stole the chalkboard that Celestia had used to teach me and wiped it down before writing down the House Rules that we’d gotten together. They made sense to everyone in the room, though that was because there were only three dudes in the room and none of us had a problem putting both seats down on the loo. Seriously, if I have to touch a nasty toilet seat, so does someone else, not just males either. That’s not to say that we didn’t go put every toilet seat in the house up for the night just because we could.

Noir came back while Swift, Crimson, and I were talking among ourselves about some of our journeys, though it was mostly Swift talking since Crimson and I were trying to get to know him better. When Noir came in, Swift stared at her and she stared right back before asking if he’d ever seen a ‘mare’ before. He was dumbstruck and stuttered out an apology, stating that he hadn't seen a woman her height before and she mussed his hair up like he was a child or something. Noir took me aside and told me about what had gone on with Rarity and apparently she’d guilted the poor woman into reconciling with her. I just told Noir that she was making mistake after mistake and she responded with the facts. Her method had achieved the desired result faster than what my method would have, even if I didn’t like how she did it. Either way, she and Rarity were on speaking terms and the pale woman could hardly bear to look at me, so I guess she was right in a might-makes-right kinda way.

Still, I was rather disappointed in Noir and told her to go to bed without supper, but when she told me that she’d already eaten supper, I repeated myself and pointed straight up since we were in the parlour. I received a look like I was retarded and Noir gave me a hug, so I returned it and we were pretty much fine, though I made it rather clear that I didn’t want her taking out aggression on people just because she could now. She promised to hold her tongue more often than not, and that was all I could ask of her, so we returned to the living room while Crimson was telling Swift about the mission we’d done together.

The night ended with Twilight teleporting into my bed in her sleepwear while I was getting this written down. She literally just popped in out of nowhere and we shared a kiss before she let me get back to my thing, and she did her own thing with her diary while I was filling out my journal. While I’m thinking about it, I had better see if I can get Noir to talk to Onyx tomorrow so they can come up with a training regimen that makes things more streamlined. It’s not like I have to do all of this myself, so I guess I’ll be leaning on them and Crimson pretty hard to help me get things sorted out.

I suppose that’s all for now. Twilight’s done with her writing, so i suppose I should finish up mine.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So the morning started nice and early since I didn’t actually sleep. The whole sleep-or-don’t-sleep thing kinda throws me off from time to time, but at least I know where I am and don’t really lose much in the way of daylight or midnight oil. I started on a new Midnight Stroll book and it seemed to be coming along pretty well and I even included some Gooses and Ducks with their very own lemonade stand. I miss those guys. I really have to find some new animal friends some time, but then again I would be happy enough with seeing my Pony friends for a little while from time to time. I know I just saw them yesterday, but I miss being able to sit and talk with Rarity and Applejack like I could when we were all still friends. I’m pretty sure Applejack isn’t forgiving me anytime soon, and I need to keep things running as far as Adstus goes right now, but I know that things are going to get even worse when I hit my stride and start ruling a place, if I ever do get the chance. I’m revelling in the fact that I don’t have to right now, but you never know what’s going to happen in the future.

Off to a great fucking start, yeah? Let’s move on.

So I got out of bed around four so I wouldn’t wake Twilight up and started making breakfast since I knew that Swift and Crimson had agreed to rise early with me, and around five, they got off their lazy arses, ate some vegetable stew that I made that wasn’t half bad, and we got to getting set up for the morning run. Luckily Noir had decided to sleep in so she wouldn’t fuck us up entirely, which meant that I was most likely going to be the one running the running, so to speak, though Swift probably has more stamina than I do, if anything than because of his time as a guard. When we got to it, we made three circuits around Ponyville and Crimson said he couldn’t do much more, but Swift and I pushed him for another half-lap and we made it around to Town Hall. I figured we could always walk through town as a cool down, but when Crimson got his breath back, we made it a good jog and started covering a lot of places, but that was when I learned that Swift has absolutely no sense of direction whatsoever. The dude seriously couldn’t find his way out of a soaking wet paper bag if his constant going in the wrong direction was anything to go by. When Crimson and I had to go looking for him, we quickly realized that he wouldn’t be all that good at any sort of Operative work.

Crimson and I guided Swift back home, making him stay in the middle of us so he wouldn’t get lost again, and when my house came into view, we got there a little quicker than usual since we all felt like getting a shower in, and since the Sun was only telling me that it was about eight or nine, which meant that Twilight was most likely awake. I was looking forward to a shower with her, so that was probably why I picked up the pace more than necessary. Crimson told me I was just too full of energy, but Swift backed me up and said that I was just looking forward to seeing the beautiful ‘mare’ that was occupying a room upstairs. Crimson took an issue with that and pointed out that I was devoted to Twilight, and I cut in saying that Twilight was the woman upstairs. Swift gave me a look and said that he actually meant the giantess that was Noir, which made Crimson and I crack up. I explained that Noir was my mentor and probably the single most deadly woman on the planet and Crimson agreed wholeheartedly since he knew from experience that she was faster than he could follow.

I knew that the only people that came close to her skill were Luna and Uror, but Uror is a powerful magic user and I don’t actually know if she can actually fist fight worth a damn. I know Luna’s powerful with magic and with her hands, but I know for a fact that Noir would win in a straight up fight from going all out against both women in the past. I could actually last a full minute with Luna and score the occasional blow, but I was dead in the water against Noir every time. Taking their True Magic into consideration, unless Luna halts the fucking planet or something, then Noir still fucking wins due to her overpowered five minute time-bending since she can use it to learn an opponent's fighting style and their reactions for as long as she wants. Honestly, Noir is scarily powerful, and I know that between myself, who is a single target assassin type, and Celestia and Luna who are both large scale slayers, Noir on her own bridges the gap incredibly well and could probably take all of us at the same time if she really felt like it. These might just be my personal observations since I’ve never seen Celestia fight, but I do know my mentor well, and I know that when she gets serious (which I still haven’t actually seen) she’s a force to be reckoned with in the worst of ways. Celestia might be the biggest unknown right now, but still.

Fucking tangents, but in my defense, I don’t think I’ve ever written about the balance of power between the four most powerful non-god creatures on the planet. I’m pretty sure that Discord is a lowercase ‘G’, and I know for a fact that Uror is one, but Celestia, Luna, Noir, and myself are still incredibly-

Holy shite.

Holy fucking shite.

I rank with those three monsters. I went from getting my arse handed to me by some fucking farm girl to being one of the most powerful beings on the planet… My, how far I have come… I was just thinking about ways I could beat the three big ones while I was writing and I realized that I could reach through reality and literally steal their hearts, or I could rip their souls from their bodies and absorb their powers. Hell, I could straight up just steal their powers, or their senses, or their horns. Hell, I had a completely different power that could fuck them up beyond what the True Theft would, but I’m still not going to write it down. I’ll just keep that one to myself. I really need to get back on topic, but I guess I felt the need to get the whole power balance thing onto paper and I’m just… It’s a little staggering that I rank in terms of sheer mortiferous capacity with Noir…

Speaking of Noir (and getting back on track) she was awake when I got back and was eating breakfast with Twilight. They were talking about something or other, both of them sipping on mugs of coffee and looking rather serious between them, but before I could tune into the conversation, they agreed to pick it up later and Twilight came over to scold me for leaving the house before we could even have so much as a sip of coffee, but I apologized with a kiss and let her know that it would most likely be more of a daily thing since I was trying to get my… personnel, I guess, on track and was doing so by leading through example rather than telling them to do something I wasn’t going to do myself.

Twilight puckered her lips and gave me an adorable little glare while we were standing in the dining room. “Max, I’m really not trying to sound envious or insecure here, but why are you getting staff, but I’m not? I’ve been a Princess for a year and a little extra, but you’ve only been a Prince for two months! I know my house is smaller than yours, but really!”

I grimaced. “When you say it like that, you sound kind of bitter.”

She rolled her eyes. “I, of all ponies, care the least about having servants around the house, but I know Crimson is an Operative and he says that he was given special training by Luna, and I know Swift was an instructor for The Guard since my brother put him into his position a few years ago and introduced us. I’m just wondering why it feels like you’re putting together some kind of Honor Guard when I really don’t think you need it.”

I raised a brow at her. “Who said it was just for me? Adstus is going to be responsible for protecting you too, but they’re going to be based out of my house since I have the space to accommodate them.”

She gave me a look. “We don’t need guards, Amour.”

“We’re the only pair of Royals who go around without them, Twilight. Like it or not, we need to be seen with more officials, one way or the other. So far, my team is the cream of the crop, and we rather need them to be since we’re the fledgling duo since you’re the only one who comes from any sort of nobility. We are the most likely targets if anyone comes for the Royal Family-”

“Max, we don’t need protection! We can take care of ourselves!” Twilight argued.

“You mean like how Cadance and Shining didn’t need protection, despite Cadance being an Alicorn and Shining being one of the most powerful Unicorns in Equestria? They got rolled, Cherry. Whether you see that or not, they got rolled hard and I don’t want to see that happen to us.”

“Cadance and Shining had guards all over the place, Max! They had more guards in Canterlot than anywhere else in Equestria and they still got ‘rolled’,” She threw up some air quotes, “so I don’t really see why you need an Honor Guard!”

I rolled my eyes. “Then how about we agreed to disagree, because when it comes to your safety I’m never going to back down.”

Twilight made an exasperated face. “But that’s what I’m saying! You don’t need to worry about my safety with other ponies because I trust you to be looking out for me! I have your back and you have mine!”

I took her hands. “And that will always be true, but I’m just not confident that we’ll always be enough. Twilight, this isn’t a slight against you or a doubting of either of our skills and prowess: it’s a safety precaution that makes me sleep a little better at night because I know that I have a physical force standing between you and whoever wants to take you from me in my home.”

Twilight gripped my hands and looked at them. “...Does that mean you still want me to move in with you?”

“I never stopped wanting you to.” I answered, my hopes rising.

She looked off to the side. “...I don’t know about that quite yet. I’m sorry, Max. I know you want me to be with you, but the library-”

“Can be run by someone else, anyone else! It doesn’t have to be you, Twilight. Hell, if you really want it, I’ll commission an extension to the house just so we can bring the contents of the Treebrary here, and from there, who knows? Maybe there will be a sudden influx of people who actually want to check out books, or maybe it stays the same and you have the option of staying with me whenever you want because you can set it up so that a magical chime rings whenever someone comes through the library door.”

She bit her lip. “I-I just don’t know…”

I squeezed her hands. “Then don’t give me an answer right now. Think on it, have a night to sleep on it. It’s a big decision for a couple to make, but I want you in my home, Twilight Sparkle, and I want to share all I have with you.”

“...Thank you. I’ll talk to Spike about coming to live here and see what he thinks about it.”

“Please do. In the meantime, I have to clean since Berry hasn’t come around this week-” Twilight’s horn lit up and I could hear my broom start sweeping in my kitchen, and a light feather duster-esque sound came from the living room. “Or you could cheat and do that, I guess.”

She gave me a small smile. “I don’t think anypony really enjoys cleaning.”

“I don’t, but I like having a decent looking house.” I gave her a kiss. “Thank you, Cherry.”

“It’s no problem. You smell nice.”

I rolled my eyes. “ I just got through with a morning run and I’ve been sweating for the past three hours.”

“Your sweat smells nice.” She said haughtily.

I kissed her cheek. “My sweat smells like I need a shower. Care to join me?”

“Hmm… I don’t know… Why don’t you have Crimson or Swift wash your back?”

I frowned. “No one washes a back like you wash my back.”

She hit me lightly and smiled. “Fine, just don’t expect any favours, okay?”

“Can I still hope for one?”

“If you’re good. Come on, sweaty. We’ve got to go get washed up for the day.”

I kissed her cheek. “Let me talk to Noir real quick and I’ll be right with you, okay?”

Twilight gave me a look. “Fine, but you were the one who wanted to take a shower together in the first place. If you’re not upstairs in five minutes, you’re either taking a bath or showering somewhere else!”

“I have like, two more showers in here. That, or I’ll just go to your house and use yours while you aren’t there.” I said cheekily.

She gasped. “You wouldn’t!”

“Oh, you know I would.”

She hit me again. “Just be upstairs in five minutes, okay?”

“I’ll do it in four.” I gave her another kiss and searched for Noir’s heartbeat.

She was in the living room, so I went in to have a word with her, but she was in the middle of a book since I’d spent a little while talking to Twilight and raised a finger to let me know that she would be done with what she was doing in a moment. Once she was finished, she stuck her finger in between the pages and looked at me.

“You wanted something?” Noir asked politely.

“Do you know if I got any new powers from losing my Dark Magic.” I asked bluntly.

She gave me a confused look. “Why would you get new powers for losing some?”

I shrugged. “No real reason. I was just hoping that I was going to shore up my losses, though I guess True Theft is good enough to compensate for any missing powers I may have had.”

“As it should be. True Magic outweighs most other kinds of magic by a wide margin.” Noir opened her book and started reading again since I didn’t have anything else to ask about.

I shrugged and headed upstairs, my heart full and feeling free. She doesn’t know about the new power. Noir, the person I trust with all of my secrets, doesn’t know about the biggest wrench in the works yet, and that makes my dick rock hard. Like seriously, I was so worried about her knowing about the new power (I hesitate to call it magic of any kind) that I haven’t even pulled a prank with it yet, despite Yesu putting it in the category of Prankery. I really didn’t see it as a prank kind of power, but I did see where it could be used as such. However, I needed a test subject that would never rat me out.

The shower with Twilight was nice and I ended up giving her a favour before we got in because I felt like it and she really likes the way I smell. I mean, a woman’s heart is in her stomach just like a man’s is, but her lady parts may well be in her nose, if Twilight’s reactions were anything to go by. Maybe it was just me. Eh. Still, I made Twilight’s morning and she made mine by letting me see her naked, so that was all well and good, but after that, I let her know that I was going to see Uror for a private matter and requested that she to get to know Swift a little bit better. She didn’t know him all that well, so she offered to go and grab him for a long talk about beaches and blizzards or some shit while I spoke to Noir again and asked her to go see Onyx so we could get the training regimen on the ball. My mentor agreed and said that she would give him the images and knowledge of the fighting styles she thought would be most useful while she was at it and I gave her a peck on the cheek for being proactive. Noir actually wanted a hug in return, so I gave her one and that was nice.

I departed from my place and pulled myself into Uror’s glade in the Everfree, but when I got there, I immediately noticed that there were a fucktonne of Dryads shifting about. I may have fallen on someone but after a few sincere apologies and offering them a hand up, I was forgiven for my trespasses and started asking questions.

“Oi. So what is this all about?” I asked the fellow I’d fallen on, trying to look over the heads of the myriad of Dryads.

The angry woman huffed. “Why don’t you ask someone you didn’t fall on?”

“Because they wouldn’t be as pretty as you.” I said flatly, sarcasm dripping from my voice.

Luckily, your average Dryad is half-retarded. The green haired woman blushed and coughed. “Well then. I suppose I could tell you. Some Darkie’s been accused of poisoning a pond, but she denies it to no end. I really wish she’d just admit it, but you know how Darkies are.” Bitch, I already hate you.

“I really don’t. I’m guessing Uror and the accused are at the head of the crowd?” I kinda asked.

The cunt nodded. “They are.”

I nodded. “Thanks.”

And with that, I started excusing my way through the crowd until I made it to the front, and when I got there, a woman that looked like her dress was made of hemlock (the tree, not the bush) was strung up on a stake made of roots and Uror stood below her, looking at her with a rather neutral expression, though that could have been her glaring daggers as far as most Dryads were concerned. I pardoned my way over to her, and when a few Dryads reached out to stop me, I swept their hands away either nonchalantly or with a bit of force depending on how hard they grabbed me.

When I got to Uror, she turned and gave me the same look she’d been giving the Dark Dryad. “Maximus. I see you have returned from your time in the Old Castle.”

I nodded. “I have. I have someone I want you to see, but I’ll send her your way later today or some other time. What’s up with the Dark Dryad looking like she’s about to be burned at the stake?”

“She is about to be burned at the stake.” Uror answered simply. “If she cannot provide the name of she who poisoned the pond, she will be burned in her stead.”

“Wait, so do you know for a fact that it wasn’t her?” I asked incredulously.

“No, I do not. She was only caught near the pond while animals began dying after drinking from it. My magic does not allow me to find the truth, though my questions should. Hem, however, refuses to answer any questions.”

I looked up at Hem. “Oi! Dark and mildly poisonous!”

Hem stared at me, absolutely fucking terrified. I could hear her heart hammering over all the others in attendance. She didn’t say a word.

“Did you poison the watering hole?” I asked.

Hem shook her head rapidly, tears forming in her eyes. She seemed to be trying her best not to cry.

Something told me that she wasn’t the one guilty of the crime, but she was, in a way. “Something’s not right here, Leafy Green.”

Uror nodded. “You sense it too.”

“Do you know if hemlock was used to poison the water?”

“I do not.”

“Then why would she stick around the scene of the crime? From what I know of Dark Dryads, she would’ve been trying to find company with the animals around the pond rather than try to poison them. I mean, how often is it that you kill one of them for doing something similar?”

Uror shrugged. “It was but a few full moons ago that something similar happened, but another Dark Dryad was caught doing something similar, though the earth around a fruit bearing tree was poisoned.”

“Can you tell the difference between poisons?” I asked.

“I can.”

“And you didn’t think to check the water to see if someone’s going around framing Dark Dryads?” I whispered to her.

Uror’s eyes narrowed. “What are you implying?”

“I’m implying that a lot of your normal Dryads hate Dark Dryads with a passion and that I wouldn’t be surprised if Hem and the rest of them were being set up so you’ll kill them slowly and painfully.”

She frowned and some of her children backed away a bit. “My children do not hate Dark Dryads to that extent.”

“I literally just met one who was happy to see one of her sisters be burned alive.” I countered.

Uror’s brows raised. “This is true?”

I nodded. “It is.”

“...How troubling… I cannot let this deed go unpunished, Maximus.”

“I’m not saying that you should, but I am saying that you should let Hem down for a moment and use me as your lie detector so we can get to the bottom of this.”

“Can you not have Celestia come and see into Hem’s mind for herself? It would mean much in the way of solidifying her alliance.” Uror bargained.

“Celestia’s not the type to interfere with your rule, but I know someone who is.” I tilted my head back and closed my eyes.

‘Noir?’ I tried.

‘Ring ring ring, no one is home.’ She replied snarkily.

‘Ha ha. If you’re done being an arse muncher, Uror could use some of your interrogational skills.’

‘...I forgot about visiting her. I suppose I can save my visit with Onyx Lock for a few more hours, though I request that you leave when we come to our love making.’ Dammit.

‘I heard that.’ Noir thought at me cheerfully.

‘Shut up and get your giant arse over here.’ I thought irritably.

‘My posterior is not ‘giant’.’ She huffed.

‘It is compared to anyone else’s. Doesn’t mean that it’s not nice to look at, but still, Shadow Dive already!’

I could practically hear her rolling her eyes, and suddenly I felt her presence behind me, so I stepped off to the side and kept my eyes on Uror. The way the Matron’s face lit up was absolutely priceless, and when she gave Noir a hug, I sensed that it had been a reunion that had been a long time coming. Noir held her for a good while, giving off vibes of genuine love and affection that almost felt wrong to let my eyes linger on, so I turned away to give them a modicum of privacy. I noticed that most of the Dryads in the front of the group were either scratching their heads or whispering about the strangeness of the situation, but then again, I suppose m0ost of them were too young to know who Noir was anyway.

When Noir cleared her throat, I turned back around to see her still holding Uror, but both of them were facing me. “So what have I been summoned for, Max?”

I pointed at Hem, who looked more confused than scared at this point, though she was still plenty of both. “Her. She’s been accused of putting snakes in boots and poisoning watering holes.”

Uror gave me a look, though she was still smiling. “Dryads do not wear shoes, and Hem was only accused of poisoning one pond. However, Maximus does not seem to be able to make her speak any better than I, and we seem to be in need of your magical versatility.”

Noir nodded. “I refuse to torture her, but I can enter her mind and see if she is lying.”

I spread my hands and Uror held her arms. “Will you have to let me go to do so?”

Noir sighed. “Sadly I must, my glorious flower, but you will return to my embrace soon enough. For now, we must decide if she is guilty of the crimes she has committed.”

Noir let go of Uror, but the Matron held her hand as they walked up to the stake, and when Noir got there, Uror made some steps for her and she climbed up along side her. My mentor touched her fingertips to the Dark Dryad’s forehead, and after minute, she gave us her verdict.

“Hem is innocent.” She said quietly enough for Uror and I to hear. More loudly, she called out over the crowd, “She who has framed this Dark Dryad, step forth!” I recognized the ring of Dark Magic in her voice and it hurt my ears a little to hear.

There was some shifting about in the crowd, though slowly but surely, someone stepped out from near the front as if they were being compelled to reveal themselves. They literally were, mind you, so when the pink haired, rather innocent looking Dryad stepped forth, there were gasps in the crowd.

“Those who have framed Dark Dryads in the past, step forth!” Noir shouted with her grating voice.

Two more Dryads stepped up from the same area that the first had come from. It seemed like the three of them were the culprits all along, and when Uror saw them come forth, her face contorted into a look of absolute, unadulterated rage that made me afraid of her. I mean, I wasn’t scared of Uror in general since she seemed to like me well enough, but the worst I’d ever seen the woman do was frown mildly and give looks of general disapproval. Now she looked like she was going to create holes to fist, and it didn’t hurt that I recognized a lot of poisonous plants springing up around her feet as she and noir strode over to the truly guilty parties.

Uror lead the way and let go of Noir’s hand halfway there. “My love, do not watch this.” She requested hotly.

Noir simply nodded and closed her eyes, hanging her head.

(Ctrl+F Innocent Eyes to Skip)

I watched on in horrified curiosity. Uror stood in front of the three of them, but she paced mack and forth for a few moments before settling on the pink haired one first. The Matron threw a hand back like she was preparing to scratch the fuck out of her, but she didn’t scratch her. No, she really didn’t. Uror thrust her hand into the Dryad’s chest like she was ripping through tissue paper and and pulled out something that looked like a roundish root, dark and bright green… Well, I hesitate to call it blood, but that’s what I’m going with. Dark and Bright green blood gushed forth and I couldn’t drag my eyes away from the abject horror of Uror cramming the root-like thing down her throat. She moved on to the second one who’d fallen to her knees, begging forgiveness, but the look in Uror’s eyes told me that she held no such mercy for those who would plot against their own sisters, taking their lives from them for no other reason than petty hatred.

The Matron took a different path with this one and started by plucking her eyes out one at a time, and I don’t believe those screams will ever stop fucking with my head. Evidently Uror hated hearing them because she reached into that Dryad’s throat and ripped out what I assumed to be her tongue before leaving her to spit up the same green substance that her sister next to her gushing from her chest and mouth. The last Dryad backed away from Uror, but she was quickly held in place by roots that grew up around her legs . More came to encase her hands and the Matron balled her hands up into fists, holding them together before suddenly whisking her right hand to the side.

The Dryad was suddenly missing a leg, but before she could cry or scream, Uror made her left and fly back and forth as if she was slamming her into the ground by proxy, and so the roots followed her commands. When she stopped, the dryad lay lifeless, spitting up the green substance, but Uror had broken the root that held her leg, though I noticed that it was shaped like a large awl now. In one savage motion, the Matron drove the Dryads own leg through her chest and deep into the ground. When the deed was done, Uror slung her hands and the blood was freed from her skin, splattering on the ground.

You know what the worst part was? It wasn’t the frankly sickening deaths. It wasn’t their brutality. No, it was the fact that I could still hear each of their hearts beating until the blood was all poured onto the ground. It was the fact that they lived for minutes after Uror’s swift and brutal punishment that made me feel rather ill. I saw the Matron in a new light that day, and now that I knew that underneath the placid surface that was her flawless beauty lie a lusus naturae like no other I’d ever witnessed besides those in Hell itself, I did fear her. I feared Uror more than Noir because she knew exactly what she’d done. She was aware that what she did was monstrous, even by the bar that had been set so high for me.

It was a good reminder to stop fucking with her before she started frowning too hard.

(Ctrl+F Innocent Eyes to Skip)

I was stuck looking at Uror like she was a fucking lunatic beyond Vlad the Impaler for a few minutes while the three conspirators were still having the last vestiges of life drained from them ever so slowly. Noir kept her eyes closed until Uror told her to open them, but while she was smiling, I couldn’t help but see the fierce guardian of the natural order that she was behind that smile. I wasn’t shaken or anything, but I was shocked. Stunned. A little grossed out, for what it’s worth. I mean, I’ve killed the fuck out of some people myself, but never like that. Never.

Uror returned to Noir’s embrace like the last five minutes had never happened and my mentor accepted her like the clearly audible screams that had rang out through the dell had been nothing more than the sound of the wind. I suppose they really were a good match since both of them were savages when they needed to be, but I rather wanted to go home and hold Twilight for a few hours so I could forget about the incident. I walked up to them and asked Uror if she was going to let Hem down since she was innocent and Uror lazily waved a hand to release her. Hem wasted no time in running off into the forest to escape further prosecution, so I asked if I was needed there any longer. Uror and Noir just stared at me for a moment, so I took the hint, bid them goodbye, and took my happy arse home.

Twilight was surprised that I bumped into her when I teleported to her side, but that was because she was sitting on the couch and I’d practically fallen onto it. I really needed to work on my teleportation, but it had gotten me where I wanted to go and I interrupted her conversation with Swift by kicking my boots off and laying on her lap because I just wanted to. Swift picked the conversation back up and I closed my eyes, taking in Twilight’s calming scent for a few minutes before she let me know that she had to get up. When she was out of the room, I rolled over to forestall any talking between Swift and myself, and when I heard her come back, I rolled over again and the pale orange fellow asked if something was wrong. I told him that I’d just watched someone have their heart fed to them and to not mention that to Twilight. He looked at me like I was trying to play a joke on him or something and when Twilight came back, I continued not saying anything, and when I was asked for my input, I didn’t really say much. Twilight knew something wasn’t right, so she did the thing she usually did when I needed a little love and started stroking my hair. I fell asleep on her lap because it was a pleasant place to be, one’s lover’s lap, and she didn’t bother waking me up for a little while, so that was nice.

I noticed that Swift was no longer in the room when Twilight roused me, so we were alone in the house. I couldn’t hear any other heartbeats, so my first assumption was correct, but when I sat up, Twilight asked, “Max, is something wrong?”

I looked at her and then at the floor. “Cherry, I just saw Uror do some stuff you don’t want to hear about. Can we leave it at that?”

“No, we can’t. I think talking about it while it’s fresh is going to be better than reopening a healing wound.”

I sighed. “Uror just killed three of her Dryads in front of me in some brutal ways. They were guilty of getting other Dryads killed in a different but still horrifying way, but still. I didn’t think Uror was… I don’t know her like I thought I did.”

Twilight held my arm and laid her head on my shoulder, shuddering. “This is why I think everypony should just be nice to each other.”

I laid my head on hers. “This is why I think you might be right. Might be.”

“...If it makes you feel any better, I think Swift and I will get along just fine.”

“That actually does make me feel better. Oi, what do you say we go visit Fleur and Fancy for a bit?”

“My first question would be why, and my second question would be if you forgot that he beat my Dad up.”

“The answer to the first one is that I still haven’t made time to go visit them, and the answer to the second one is that I completely and utterly forgot. I wasn’t thinking, Cherry. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Amour. If you want to go visit them by yourself, that’s fine, but if you want to stay here with me… Well, we have the house to ourselves.” She hinted.

I pulled my head away from hers and she took her head off of my shoulder. “...I’m not complaining or anything, but why?”

She blushed. “Well, it just seems like you need something to help get your mind off of the thing with Uror.”

“I love you. You’re the best Pony, best Princess, best wife, and the best friend.”

She beamed brilliantly. “If I wasn’t already planning on giving you a favour, I think somepony might have been getting one anyway.”

I gave her a kiss. “What say we do a little snogging before we get to the better stuff, yeah? I’d like to taste the sweet flavour of your lips.”

Twilight blushed a little harder and said, “Now you’re just trying to make sure you get the most of it.”

“A few words affirming my love for you never hurt anyone, I don’t believe. I just want you to know that I love and appreciate you like nothing else in this world.” I slid my arm behind her shoulders and gave her a gentle smile.

Twilight returned it. “Sometimes I feel like you’re just an ass because you want to be, but then you come along and you’re just sweeter than sugar!”

“No, you’re sweeter than sugar and I’m a cup of coffee. Together, we’re better.” I reached for her necklace and held it like it was fragile, knowing that it wasn’t.

“Gosh, I really do love you, Maximus. You’re the best special somepony I could ever ask for!” Twilight smile grew a little.

“Say, how about we skip the favour and save that for another time? We can just talk or something for a little bit, yeah?”

“I’d like that.” Twilight said softly.

And so we talked. We talked about nothing and everything, and depending on how familiar you are with Taoism, you might read deeper into that than necessary. I asked Twilight what she thought about Noir and Uror being in a relationship not unlike ours and she was a little surprised to find that she and Uror were that close. I explained that they’d been loathe to leave each other while I was there and that I’d turned away to give lovers a moment of privacy, especially since they hadn't seen each other in about four thousand years. Twilight talked about how I’d missed her first real official thing as a Princess while I was in the Everfree when she and the girls went to the Rainbow Falls Traders Exchange and that turned out to be a bit of a test of their friendships.

Apparently, I’d also returned a few days after Rarity’s retarded beautification of the town and I found that to be just as stupid as I’d described it, but Twilight had sent the book she’d used to ‘improve’ the town with to Celestia, so it was all well and good. She mentioned that we had the Equestria Games in a few days and I asked why no one had told me about it beforehand, but she didn’t have an answer for me since she’d been planning on missing it due to her first Alicorn estrus cycle. We wrote Celestia a note about that and Sunbutt said that she’d assumed that I would be too busy ‘assisting’ Twilight to help attend, so I wasn’t all that offended. I wrote back that I’d stolen Twilight’s estrus from her, so we could both attend and Celestia sent back an unnecessarily long letter that basically said that she was happy her two newest Royals could come and sit with her while boring shit happened.

Twilight and I continued to talk and enjoy each other’s company for a few hours until Crimson and Swift came back home. I had Twilight help me make dinner by preparing things that were neither flammable or sharp, and I made some onion rings to go along with salad because I didn’t know what the fuck went with onion rings besides fried fish. Dinner was nice, and when Noir finally got back, she had a pleasant smile on her face and a certain bounce to her step. I asked how her date with Uror had gone since she’d practically been there all day and she said that she would be going back the next day to see her after she handled her business with Onyx and couldn’t wait to find her way back into her lover’s arms. Swift seemed rather disappointed by that, but he held his tongue while Noir collected the last of the food I had made and joined us at my dinner table. Twilight and I asked about her relationship with Uror and Noir didn’t say all that much about it, but she did say that they’d known each other for hundreds of years and had been pretty consistent.

The night ended with everyone returning to their rooms and with Twilight giving me that favour she’d talked about earlier. She said reciprocating was out of the question and even went and got some mouthwash when she finished, which was nice because it meant I got minty kisses. We’ve spent hours talking up until now, and the only reason we’ve taken a break now is to start writing in our journals. I didn’t and don’t like writing down the events that happened in Uror’s glade, but the power balance thing is fun and I might talk to Twilight about the possible applications of my powers. It would be an interesting thing to do.

For now, however, I think I might just call it here.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Alright, so about two hours after my last entry, I received a note via Dragon Fire from Luna that said that I was going to be having a visitor in a few minutes, and when I got myself and Twilight down into my living room to prepare to see someone at three in the fucking morning, we made some coffee since we assumed our visitor might like a sip of something warm. Luna hadn't said anything about who we should be expecting, so I was waiting a little impatiently for fifteen minutes until a crystalline woman appeared in the middle of my living room with a few bags and a box nearby. All in all, she was rather unremarkable besides obviously being from the Crystal Empire, but her turquoise coloring and purple mane struck me as a little gross. I just don’t like the colors together, but she seemed like she was respectable enough from her posture and the way she carried herself. I rose from my seat and Twilight followed shortly after, both of us approaching her.

I extended a hand. “Crystal Shade, I presume?”

She gave me a tight smile and shook my hand. “The one and only, Your Highness.”

I made a face. “Call me Max or Maximus. I’m sure you know my fiance.”

Twilight offered her hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Miss Shade.”

Shade shook Twilight’s hand too and gave her a more pleasant smile. “It’s an honor, Princess Twilight.” So what? It’s not an honor to meet me?

I rubbed the stubble on my face. “I’m sure it’s been a long day for you. We can start talking now or we can wait until the morning. It’s up to you.”

The strained look was back. “Can we wait until morning, Your Highness? I just came back from a mission.” Someone doesn’t fucking listen.

I nodded. “I won’t offer you a choice if there isn’t one. Do you prefer a room on the first story or the second?”

She looked confused. “I thought your house only had two floors?”

I raised a brow. “That’s right. The first story and the second story.”

Twilight patted my arm. “He’s from a country that’s like Bridleland. When he says ‘the first story’ he means the ground floor.”

“Seems awfully redundant, yeah?” I commented.

She rolled her eyes. “Come on, I’m sure you’re tired, Miss Shade.”

Shade nodded and we took her upstairs with Twilight and I levitating her bags. Either of us could have done it by ourselves, but we decided to share the load because we could and when we got to Shade’s desired destination, Twilight and I headed toward my room and went back to what we were doing before she got here. Shit was fine by me, but Twilight nagged at me to write this down, so here I am. The woman’s going to be the life and death of me, but I still love her, as irritating as she can be on the rare occasion.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Twilight and I talked about how Crystal Shade already seemed to dislike me, though my fiance hadn't picked up on it at all. I explained the telltale signs, like that she had been warmer and had used different diction with her than she had with me. Shade obviously wasn’t fond, but she knew who she’d been coming to work for from the get go, so I didn’t understand why she was taking a detail if she didn’t like the person in charge. I mean, shit was optional, so it wasn’t like she had to be in my fucking house.

My favourite person told me to just stop thinking about it and try to get a little sleep or something, but I wanted to talk to her some more about what she thought about Noir since she usually didn’t give me straight answers. Twilight said that she thought Noir was a bit too protective of me, but I reminded her that I was easily one of Noir’s closest friends and she knew the inner workings of my mind like no other person ever would so I started talking about random things to Twilight, but she didn’t really respond until I mentioned that I was just voicing my thoughts and what I thought about the topics I’d been coming up with. Basically, I was trying to let Twilight into my head, but the way I transitioned from topic to topic just made no sense to her until I broke it down for her. For example, if I was thinking about Celestia’s arse, the most logical next step for me would be the Sun because I call her Sunbutt, which is because she has Suns on her butt cheeks, and from there, I would think about hot arses in general, which would bring me to Twilight because she has the hottest arse around. When I got to the topic of Twilight, I would transition into love and the way it works, which would continue into respect since I feel like you need to have respect for the ones you love, and that would lead me to thinking about what makes someone respectable. If you don’t include the transitional dialect, it goes: Celestia’s arse, the Sun, hot arses, Twilight, love, and then respect, which doesn't really make a lot of sense if you don’t know how they connect.

While I was explaining the way my train of thought worked to Twilight, she actually picked up some interest and lay her chin on my chest, which hurt a little, but it was still a pleasant thing since it was Twilight’s head on my chest. I could feel her jaw work when she talked and when she suggested that we change positions to cuddle some more, I looked at the clock and sighed. I had to get the boys up for another morning run around Ponyville, sadly, and Twilight offered to come with us. I looked at her like she was crazy, which elicited a blush that was cute, but I had to explain that Swift, Crimson, and I were all trained to run long distances without a break and that I might end up carrying her for a good portion of it if she winded herself. Twilight’s resolve was firm, however, so I agreed to bring her along with us and reminded her to pace herself multiple times while giving her tips to help her keep running for as long as she could. She tried telling me that if Pinkie was faster than me, then she would probably be about my speed, but I told her that we were going for distance rather than for speed and she lost some of her steam. I gave her a kiss and told her that we would try and keep things okay for her, but Twilight said that she wanted to see how much running we really do, so I shook my head and made more veggie stew for breakfast.

Crimson and Swift got up on their own and I gave them each a hearty hunk of bread and cheese to go with their meals so we could get the morning started off right, but light, and once our little cadre was collected and ready to go, we got moving. The first quarter of the run was our warm-up, but as I’d been expecting, Twilight kept lagging behind, though I think the encouragement from Crimson, swift and I did a good bit in helping keep her on her feet (so to speak) for the first lap. However, Twilight stopped cold when we finished, panting up a storm and said that it had been a good run. The fellas and I circled back and told her that we had three more laps to go and Twilight looked at us like we were fucking insane, but we added another lap since we’d been going so slowly in the first place. It was pretty obvious the the Ali-mage wasn’t going to keep running with us for the rest of it, so I gave her a sweaty kiss and whispered for her to let me keep the shirt she was wearing since she smelled incredibly enticing at the moment. Twilight lit up and told me that she would happily put it in my drawer so I could have it for later, but for now, she was going to follow us with her wings, so the boys and I got our arses in gear and started jogging around town again.

Twilight stayed with me pretty easily in the air, and luckily it wasn’t really possible to see up the shorts she was wearing, so no one got flashed or earned a punch to the face as far as I knew. Every once in awhile, she’d touch down to doin us for another quarter or so of a lap, but when she lagged behind, she would take off and fly right next to my side again, which was nice. The townspeople usually waved or said hello as we passed, though some bowed when they saw Twilight flapping herself by. Twilight may not have had my amount of people on standby, but she did have the people’s respect in a way that I just didn’t, and I’m sure that she didn’t care about garnering respect or anything like that. She was more of a person to be left alone to their own devices most of the time anyway, though the advent of friends had made her a much more socially apt person.

We eventually finished up and Twilight joined us on the jog from the edge of town to my house, though she was rather heavily winded by the time we got there. Still, we needed a shower and I had an excuse to take one with her, so that was nice. I suggested that Swift and Crimson do the same thing, which had Crimson’s eyes rolling and Swift chuckling since I was pretty sure that he didn’t know that the black guy was gay. Still, it was funny to everyone except crimson, so it was a good laugh. When we actually got inside, we found Crystal Shade sitting on my recliner reading a book while snacking on some unfamiliar biscuits. I figured she knew how to work on a few hours of sleep, so I told her that once everyone got done with their showers, we’d sit down and get the talking started. She continued to address me as ‘Your Highness’, but I let it go for the time being.

Twilight insisted on us taking separate showers, so I let her have the first one so I could sit and smell the sweet wine-like scent of her sweat, which sounds rather creepy since I’m a dude, but when she did it, it was just a weird-but-cute kinda deal. Then again, love consists of doing a lot of weird-but-cute things when you get comfortable with each other. I waited patiently for my fiance to finish up with her stuff, and when she came out after an expedient (for her) forty-five minutes, I made sure that I wouldn’t keep us any longer by giving her a quick kiss and not allowing myself to look at her post-shower self for too long. I have some restraint, so fuck you if you think that’s odd.

I made my shower extra quick, and when I got out, Twilight tried to waste a little time by kissing me, but I only gave her a quick peck and reminded her that we had some people waiting on us since she’d made us waste so much time by not showering together. She, of course, denied her actions having any impact on time saved or wasted, so I let it go and just carried her downstairs since she was insisting on being difficult. Twilight tried to get me to put her down, but I just rolled my eyes and continued doing what I was doing since she could just levitate herself out of my grasp if she really didn’t want to be carried.

We got to the living room, and instead of putting Twilight down, I just held onto her and sat on the couch. Crystal shade was still in the recliner with her book while Crimson and Swift were talking, each of them not sitting on my easy chair because they know the fucking rule. Yes, that is one of my Goddamn rules. My easy chair. mine. I also made a rule about eating sweets that weren’t bought with one’s own money unless permission was given or it was a gift, but that was mostly to keep my pecan tarts safe if I could get my hands on more of them. In any case, I sat down with Twilight on my lap and Shade made a look of extreme distaste that I didn’t miss at all.

“Alright, so we have half of the team here and ready for action, or at least we have the team here. Has everyone had a little time to get acquainted?” I asked politely.

Crimson gave me a look and his eyes flickered to Shade. “We could use a refresher.” He said neutrally.

I raised a brow at him and he shook his head, so I started it. “Alright, so this is just going to be a quick ‘getting to know you’ type deal. Everyone here knows that I’m Maximus, though I go by Max. Max as in leave off the Prince part, the ‘Your Highness’ bit, or whatever else you call royalty. I’m not particularly fond. If you slip up, it’s fine, but keep in mind that I’m really not fond of being reminded that I have a bullshit title.” Crystal looked a little surprised. “Anyway. I’m fond of writing, Twilight, sparring for fun, Twilight, large animals like one of our team members-”

“I’m sorry, Your Highness, but did you just say that one of our team members is a ‘large animal’?” Shade asked.

I gave her a look. “That was either on purpose or you don’t give a fuck about what I say.”

She looked at me innocently. “I don’t believe I know what you’re talking about.”

“Play dumb and I’ll treat you like you are.” I said calmly. “The large animal I’m referring to is a Wolfmother, one of the Guardians of the Everfree. You’ll meet her in time or later today, depending on what her schedule looks like.”

Twilight got off of my lap and kissed my cheek. “I could call her here so we can have her around.”

“If you wouldn’t mind too much, Cherry. I’m pretty sure she likes you enough to come quickly.”

She rolled her eyes. “Some days I think Nashoba likes me more than she likes you.” Twilight still got up and started heading toward the door leading to the porch since it was the closest one.

I picked up where I left off. “So I was on about the stuff I like, yeah?” Crimson and Swift nodded. “Cool. So large animals, Twilight-”

“You’ve mentioned Twilight at least three times.” Shade cut in.

“That’s because I’m rather fond of her. She warrants the extra mentions.” I said.

She set her jaw. “You shouldn’t talk about a Princess like she’s a thing.”

“And you shouldn’t be talking to a Prince however you want, Shade. Max is a respectable guy and he’ll give you the same amount of respect you show him. Keep that in mind.” Crimson said calmly.

She glared at him and crossed her arms. “I’m sorry, Your Highness.”

“It’s okay, silly twat. We all make mistakes.” I gave her a fake smile and she met it with one of her own. “Now. As I was saying. I left off on Twilight, so I guess the next thing would be explosions, pecan tarts, and long walks through dangerous places on my own, at night with only a knife and my wit, though I’d like to have clothes as well.” I jested.

Crystal gave the fakest little chuckle I’d heard in some time, and it took a bit of effort to not flip her off. I looked to Crimson and was about to say something when he said, “What about things you dislike?”

“Oh, the things I dislike can be narrowed down quite a bit. I hate rudeness, blatant disrespect, titles, idiots, sexists, fools, arse heads, people who touch Twilight in ways that she doesn't like, and people who touch me in ways I don’t like.”

“Your Highness-” Crystal Shade started.

“Excuse me, Shade, but Max literally just said that he hates titles. Calling him ‘Your Highness’ counts as a title, like he said earlier.” Swift interrupted.

She cut him a glare. “Where I come from, we address our Royalty with respect.”

“Where I come from, we address our Royalty as they wish to be addressed.” Swift replied hotly. That’s my boy.

“Then we’ll agree to disagree.” She sniffed. “As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted-”

“You interrupted the guy in charge of the whole operation. You really can’t talk about rude.” Swift interjected. You’re the fucking best, mate.

I coughed before Crystal could reply. “Two wrongs don’t make a right, Swift. Let Crystal Shade speak her mind.”

He nodded at me and Crystal glared at him. “As I was saying; isn’t it normal to dislike people who touch you inappropriately.”

I shook my head. “That’s not what I said. Verbatim, I said, ‘I don’t like people who touch me in ways I don’t like.’. That could mean someone I don’t like touching me period while excluding Twilight touching my neck, thighs, or other private areas.”

She rolled her eyes but kept a strained smile like I wouldn’t notice. “Thank you for clarifying.”

I nodded and looked to Crimson. “Would you care to share some of your personal interests and dislikes?”

He gave me a nod. “I like beaches, Tortoises, Ravens, romance novels, and carnival food, though I hate the feeling I get after gorging myself on it like a fool every time. I dislike ponies who are rude to my friends, idiots, most young ponies, most old ponies, Dragons in general because they’re generally not my kind of company, and mares who don’t know when to stop. Swift?”

Swift chuckled. “My turn?” I nodded. “Alright then. I like sparring, good fights, flying fast, exercising with friends, good food, some bad food, Cats-”

“Wait, mate, did you just say you like cats!?” I asked incredulously.

He looked at me. “Uh… Yeah?”

I shook my head vigorously. “Nope. This is a dog slash Wolf house, Swift.” I jerked my thumb behind me. “Ya gotta go.”

“Wait, seriously!?” Swift’s jaw dropped.

“Nah, I’m fuckin’ with ya.” I grinned.

He gave me a dirty look. “This is why Twilight hits you.”

“No, she hits me because she can’t keep her hands off of me. Speaking of my love, she’s on her way in with Nashoba.” I looked toward the back door.

“How do you know that, Your Highness? I can’t see them.” Shade said.

“He can hear them.” Crimson explained. “Max’s hearing beats any Ponies, any day of the week.”

She made a face. “Doesn’t that get intrusive to a certain point?”

“Yes, it does, but it’s not something I can turn on and off. It exists, so I choose to ignore a lot of what I hear.” I said.

“...So how good is your hearing, Your Highness?” Shade asked carefully.

“I can hear your heartbeat from the front door if you’re standing at the back door. That is to say, there isn’t a conversation in this house that I don’t hear, regardless of where you go. Again, I choose to ignore what I hear and I don’t hold conversations held in privacy against anyone since I understand that somethings need to be voiced, though not necessarily to me.”

Shade puckered her lips slightly and set her jaw. I could hear her heartbeat pick up slightly, so I asked, “Is that a problem.”

“No, Your Highness.” She replied.

“Alright, I can put up with you constantly calling me ‘Your Highness’ despite me asking you not to. I can put up with the pointed looks, and the eye rolling, and even the hypocrisy, but don’t fucking lie to me. I don’t put up with that shit in my house, so keep it honest, or get going.” I folded my arms and glared at her.

She looked at me as Twilight and Nashoba came the the hall. My fiance had a seat next to me on the and Nashoba sat upright on the floor, swinging her gaze between Swift and Shade. “I’m here. What do you want?” Nashoba asked.

Swift’s jaw dropped again and Shade’s joined his on the floor. “D-Did that giant Dog just talk?” Swift asked.

“She’s a Wolf.” Twilight smiled.

“She’s a Wolf.” I nodded sagely and Twilight looked at me.

Before she could say anything, Crimson said, “She’s a Wolf.”

Twilight turned her gaze to him and Nashoba said, “Call me a Dog again and I’ll eat you. I’m a Wolf, and the first among my kin at that.”

Swift gulped. “Understood.”

Crystal Shade rubbed her eyes. “Sh-She can talk?”

Nashoba looked at me. “Why are Ponies so very stupid?”

I patted her head. “Twilight and Crimson are above average intelligence and Swift isn’t the brightest spoon in the forest canopy, but he’s alright.”

Crystal colored slightly and I raised a brow at her. “Problem?”

“You just implied that I was stupid.” She said, her voice edgy.

“Call him Max and prove him wrong.” Crimson said airily.

She cut him a sharp glare, but I forestalled her response. “Nashoba, are you in the mood to tell us some things about yourself?”

Nashoba looked at me like I was stupid. “No.”

I rubbed her ears. “Does the ear rubbing bother you?”

“No. Keep going.”

And so I did. “Well, since Nashoba’s in the mood to rip throats out, why don’t we move onto you, Shade?”

Crystal Shade moved her jaw around a bit and stared at me. “To be honest, I don’t believe I feel like talking.”

“Sucks for you, because I have some questions. The first one is why are you here if you hate males?” Twilight made a choking noise and Crimson raised his brows.

“I don’t hate males.” Crystal said rather unconvincingly.

I raised a brow. “So you just hate Crimson, Swift, and I?”

She set her jaw and didn’t say anything.

“Look, if you don’t want to be here, then why are you? Adstus isn’t a group that you can be in if you despise the leader and the Captain, so what’s the problem? If you’re not a flaming sexist, then what is it?”

“There isn’t anything. Your Highness.”

I pursed my lips to the side and looked around. Crimson was looking at me calmly, Swift twiddled his thumbs like he couldn’t keep his hands still, and Twilight was looking at me anxiously. Nashoba didn’t seem to give a fuck. I’d had my mind made up before I started looking around anyway, but I let my eyes settle on Crystal Shade for a few moments. She was clearly pissed, but there was little other than spite in her gaze.

I didn’t have much to say. “Pack your shit and get out. If you share the secrets you’ve encountered, you will be charged with treason of the highest order. If you need it in more official terms: Crystal Shade, you are hereby dismissed from Adstus.”

She grit her teeth and rose slowly. “I challenge you.”

I crossed my arms and looked at her calmly. “For what?”

“I challenge you for the right to be a member of Adstus.”

Crimson’s brows raised and Swift looked rather interested while Twilight held my arm firmly. Nashoba yawned and said, “You will lose.”

“Shut up, you unnatural freak.” Crystal hissed.

Nashoba let out a low, bone chilling growl. “I look forward to making dirt on your grave.”

I chuckled and patted her back. “That’s very kind of you, Nashoba. Crystal, I really don’t suggest antagonizing something that can end you faster than you can blink from this distance. If my friend here wants you dead-” I shook my head and started laughing. “Ah, shit! Let me stop before I get you killed. Yeah, I accept your challenge. I choose bare-knuckle fighting. Let’s head out back.” I rose and Nashoba joined me.

“Max! No!” Twilight said firmly.

I raised a brow at her. “It’s my team. If she can prove herself worthy to stay on it, then why would I deny her the right?”

“Amour, I just don’t want to see you get hurt.” Twilight said pleadingly.

“Trust me, Princess. I know when to stop.” Crystal said coldly.

That put a smile on my face. “Alright then. If you win, you get to be the Captain of Adstus. If you lose, you leave. How’s that sound, love?”

Shade grinned darkly. “Sounds perfect. We go until one of us isn’t moving.”

I showed her the pearly whites. “Sounds good to me!”

Twilight stood suddenly and stomped her hoof. “Max, no! If you don’t want Crystal on your team, then that’s all! It doesn’t have to go further!”

I closed my lips and Twilight a pleasant smile. “She’s disrespected me, my team, and my companion. I’m not letting that go!” I laughed jovially.

Twilight’s face got stormy before her face went slack and her pupils shrank. “Max, no.”

I nodded and held my hand up before snapping loudly. The smile left, the laughter was gone, and so was my patience. “Stay here. I’ll end this quickly.” I said stonily.

Twilight sat back down slowly. “Don’t hurt her. Please?”

I nodded. “Noir taught me well. It’ll be no issue.”

I turned to Crystal and she was giving me an impatient look. Crimson and Swift rose, so I lead the way out to my backyard. Nashoba joined my side and when we all got to the lawn, Swift and Crimson stood on either side of us so they could officiate while Nashoba circled us slowly. Crystal and I faced off and she took up a stance that I didn’t recognize, but it seemed more suited for punching and strong kicks than light attacks of either kind. I didn’t doubt that she had a list of run-and-gun finishers that would floor someone unused to fighting someone more skilled than them, but I was in Primal Mode and her face was looking like it needed a fist-kiss like no other.

No one insults my Goddamn pupper.

I assumed a purely defensive stance because I was going to enjoy this more than I should, and Twilight had asked me not to hurt her. In Max-Speak, that means don’t make her bleed, so I was probably just going to make her see that I outclassed her. That, or she would continue going until she was too tired to move, and I could definitely work with that since I was pretty sure I could go indefinitely. Not much ran through my mind while I was preparing for the fight, but that was because Primal Mode doesn’t allow much room for thought. Speaking of having no room for though, I barely paid attention while Swift went over the rules of the challenge for reasons of officiation. When they both raised a hand, I felt my body loosen slightly and when those hands went down, it was on.

Crystal started the clash by throwing a high kick that came from nowhere, though it was slow and simple compared to what Noir and Luna threw at me during both of their training regimens. I just leaned back and avoided it since it would’ve been hard to get hit by it, even if I wasn’t paying attention. She learned quickly enough that kicks were going to work when I put my guard down and just swayed out of the way of her heavy, though well put together blows. I actually felt a tinge of disappointment from the fact that she wasn’t getting all that close to connecting, so I closed of her kicks by moving in and throwing my hands into her face quickly. She jolted back too late to miss the strike, but I hadn't been intending on hitting her in the first place, so I didn’t.

I created some space between us for a moment, but I closed the gap just as fast as I’d made it and threw more feints at her that she had a hard time keeping up with. I wasn’t even going at my full force anyway, but I decided to fuck with her a little bit and grabbed one of her arms while she was trying to block blows that weren’t connecting. I went for a hip toss that was simple since she was smaller than me, but she recovered quickly enough and threw out a low kick that I just stepped on since my timing was decent enough. Shit, my timing was good, actually, because I pinned her hoof to the ground and could have destroyed her knee if I really wanted to, but I didn’t because I’m nice like that.

I let Crystal Shade have her hoof back and she started throwing punches that I blocked with ease, and when she came in for a tight hook that probably would have hurt, but I just met her fist with a palm and stopped her momentum cold before chopping her in the throat rather quickly. She choked and back off to regain her breath, but I didn’t let her have a moment of respite. At speed, I rushed her, but when she threw a half-arsed punch that wasn’t very dangerous, I dodged behind her, picked her up, and unceremoniously dumped her on her back because it wasn’t a very hard thing to do. Shade got to her hooves a little more slowly than she had the last time, but she just grit her teeth and kept coming at me.

I was starting to get annoyed with her persistence, little by little, so when she threw a straight punch that had some force behind it, I countered with an uppercut that I didn’t think would be all that harsh. I was wrong, of course, but Shade’s head snapped back and she wobbled a bit on her hooves, and I wasn’t about to let her have the time to shake it off. I moved in and decided I would come in for the kill and show her that she wasn’t my equal in any way, so when she put her guard up, I started pummeling it with flowing strikes, every hit doing a little bit more to split her guard, and when it cracked enough for me to get in, I decided to attack her arms instead of her face, and every time she threw a punch, or when she TRIED, I should say, I just beat the attempt back until she stopped using her arms.

The only thing was that not using her arms meant that I could start doing the same thing with her legs, thought the rapid kicks I used to disable her legs weren’t as effective as flowing strikes. Still, after she tried throwing three kicks that weren’t anywhere close to connecting, I used an axe kick to intercept her fourth and she cried out, falling to her arse. She couldn’t really move her arms well enough to grab her leg, but she tried, her hands twitching like crazy.

I stood and walked around for a little bit while Swift came in. “Crystal Shade, do you surrender?”

“No!” She shouted, trying to get back onto her hooves.

I came over and gave her a hand, and when she was on her hooves again, I was tempted to give her props for not nut punching me like I’d expected her to. I wasn’t thinking that the fight would go on much longer, so I figured I would end it sooner by taking up an offensive stance, and when Crystal didn’t make a move toward me, I just came in with a lightning fast thrust kick that she tried to block. Emphasis on tried. I blew her back a good distance and she didn’t look like she was going to get back up after that, so Crimson came over to her and asked if she wished to continue. She couldn’t breathe due to the kick to the stomach, so I waited patiently for her to either get up or stay down for a while longer, but then she got to her hands and knees, pushing herself to her hooves one more time. Her hands shook pretty hard when she tried to form fists, but she could still make them, so I decided to end it in the next blow. I strode over to her, blocked a meager punch, and countered it with one I actually put some effort behind. I caught Shade as she was falling and threw her over my shoulder.

Crimson and Swift looked at me. “Alright. So what are we doing now?” Swift asked.

I snapped softly. “I’m going to drop Crystal and her shit off in Canterlot Castle. Crimson is going to see if he can source us another Operative, and you’re going to groom Nashoba’s coat because it could be a little shinier as far as I’m concerned.” I said with a straight face.

Nashoba came up beside me. “This male is not going to touch me.”

“Is that because you’re not going to let him, or because he’s terrified of you?” I asked.

“Both.” She answered.

“Fair enough. Swift, you can skip brushing Nashoba’s fur, but I want to see that mane shine, soldier!”

He looked at me and I glared at him. “Do you have a problem with personal hygiene, Swift?”

“...I’m pretty sure you’re messing with me.” He said skeptically.

“Don’t make me put this ‘mare’ down.” I warned.

He rolled his eyes and Crimson chuckled. “Don’t worry, Max. I’ll make sure his mane shines like the Sun itself and I’ll get you your Operative. However, I think that between you, myself, and ‘Her’, we should be good.”

I shrugged. “If you think so, then so be it. Besides, I might just have Nebula act as our medic and a member of the Excursor team.”

Crimson nodded and Crystal started stirring, so I set her down and she looked up at me, a little dazed. “I lost, didn’t I?”

Swift nodded. “Yup.”

I gave him a look. “You lost because I’m a monster when it comes to hand-to-hand combat. I’ll ask Twilight to teleport you and your things to Canterlot or the Crystal Empire, depending on where you want to go.”

“... Just send me back to the Crystal Empire. I’m still an Operative, right?” She asked.

“It’s not my place to dismiss you from that position.” I said evenly.

She blinked at me. “You’re not like I thought you would be.”

“You thought I’d be some pumped up arsehole of a bloke that thought a little title and some land would make him better than everyone, didn’t you?” I asked flatly.

“... Kinda.” She admitted.

I shook my head. “I came from nothing, love. Every time I look at what I have now, I’m reminded of that and it keeps me nice and humble. Frankly, I am a narcissist, but I don’t believe I deserve most of what I have half the time. I might’ve put forth the effort for it, but that’s me repaying the universe for being a shitty person in the past.”

Crimson chuckled. “The worst people get the best things.”

I tilted my head in his direction. “True. If there’s anything about me that you should know, it’s that I HATE being a Prince. I never wanted to be a noble, let alone a member of The Royal Family.” I offered her a hand.

Crystal took it and got to her hooves unsteadily. “You’re not as bad a stallion as I thought.”

“But you still don’t like me.” I guessed.

“... I think I respect you more now, Your-” She paused. “Max.”

I gave her a lopsided smile. “Glad we got that little bit cleared up.”

Crystal nodded and sighed. “You were right. Back when you said I don’t like males. I just… I never have, and I never will, but I thought that working under you wouldn’t be so bad. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that you were waiting for me to slip up, to take some kind of bait that I couldn’t see.”

Crimson shook his head. “That’s not who Max is. Unless you give him a reason to distrust you, he’ll feed you with a long handled spoon until you prove yourself worthy of a decent amount, and if he likes what he sees from the beginning, then that’s all there is to it.”

Swift raised a hand. “I kicked his butt and he was cool with me.”

Crimson gave me a look. “He tricked me into admitting that I was gay and told me that he was going to use that to make me flirt with guards the first time I met him.”

Nashoba barked. “That was funny.”

Crimson flipped her off, but the gesture meant nothing to her so she let it slide. Crystal, on the other hand, looked at me like I was crazy. “You don’t really sound like a good pony.”

I shrugged. “I’m not a Pony, so I’m not a good one. I’m not a good person either, but I treat people with civility until they give me a reason not to. Crimson met me when my tongue was a bit looser and Swift was ordered to fight me while I was training with the guards at the Barracks in Canterlot. Both events happened just before I did some growing up on two separate occasions.”

“Most ponies only have to grow up once.” Shade said evenly.

“Max has a really hard head.” Crimson drawled.

“Keep it up. I’ll put you on your arse, you red-headed stepchild.” I replied.

“My mother never remarried.” Crimson said, confused.

“I’ll still stick my foot up your arse.” I huffed. I turned to Crystal and said, “A deal’s a deal, however. I hope you didn’t unpack quite yet.”

She nodded solemnly. “I know. For what it’s worth, you really are a monster with your hands. You weren’t even trying, were you?”

I gave her a look. “If I gave it some real effort, I probably would’ve killed you. I was trained by a six thousand year old warmonger and Luna herself.”

Crimson scoffed. “I was trained by Luna, but your mentor, Noir, is a whole ‘nother beast.”

I smirked. “I know, right? Imagine being trained by her and Luna at the same time without a moment’s rest.”

Crimson shivered. “Buck that.”

I turned back to Crystal Shade. “For what it’s worth, I think you would’ve done pretty well against me before I was trained by Luna.”

Swift waved his hand from side to side. “You weren’t doing much attacking, but I know you from before you were trained by Luna. You weren’t as good as you are now, but you were still a force to be reckoned with. You did come back and beat me, after all.”

Crimson chuckled. “Maybe you two should go at it again and see who wins?”

Swift gave him a look. “Maybe we should go at it for the Captain spot.”

Crimson gave him a dark smile. “That’s a nice thought. Why don’t we do that real quick?”

I looked at Shade. “You wanna watch this, or do you wanna get packed and get back to the Crystal Empire?”

She looked between them. “... I know Crimson’s one of the best Operative’s we have. I want to see if he lives up to his name.”

I nodded and had Crimson and Swift get a little ways away from Crystal so she wouldn’t have to go too far to avoid getting caught in the scrap .I gave the rules for the contest, those being first fall to a ten count or a knockout, and thus Crimson and Swift began on my go. Shit was actually pretty fun to watch. Crimson was still swift and lethal, but the fellow who’s name was Swift had him when it came to sheer power behind his punches. The thing was, Crimson wasn’t limited to punches, and when he started throwing in kicks that made it harder for Swift to gain ground, the pale orange fellow tried to mimic what I had done with the flowing strikes, only to learn that keeping up a rhythm of blows took time and concentration. He did, however, get a bad hit off on Crimson’s knee that made both of them pause for a moment, and then Swift changed up his style.

Swift actually could use the average guard’s kickboxing, but he was fucking great at it, pressing Crimson well with quick and heavy kicks that alternated randomly occasionally connecting from time to time. Crimson, however, hadn't been trained by Luna for shits and giggles, and gave better than he got most of the time. When swift landed a mid kick that actually seemed to hurt quite a bit, Crimson stopped having fun with it and got serious, hitting nerve clusters on Swift’s legs to make him stop kicking and attacking his funny bones to weaken his punches. Swift was having a hard time keeping up until Crimson threw a feint that he barely got his guard up for, but when Swift realized that it wasn’t a real blow, it was already too late. Crimson got a heavy double-hoof buck straight into his stomach, effectively flooring him for a good five seconds. When Swift got back to his hooves, the fight was already over since he wasn’t getting his breath back and Crimson knew how to seize the advantage.

Swift ended up losing after a salvo of brutal jabs to his throat and jaw, all of them connecting from the sides of his guard. He just couldn’t turtle up well enough to get Crimson off of him, but the fight had been fun to watch in any case. The former combat instructor took his loss well and my Captain accepted his victory without gloating too much, so that was nice. However, with that done, we took Crystal inside and helped her gather her shit so we could send her off. I was a little put off that Luna’s recommendation hadn't worked out, but Twilight was happy that no one was hurt too badly and that the worst that had come out of either fight was just a limp. She told med that she’d watched from the window while I’d dodged around Shade up until I actually started fighting back, but she didn’t understand the nuances and said that I was lucky that I didn’t get hit a lot of the time. Crystal Shade was already back in the Crystal Empire by the time Twilight and I had a chance to talk, so she had to take Swift and Crimson’s word that me never getting hit was all skill, not just luck. She also chastised the fellas for fighting unnecessarily, but I just hung back and let them explain that they were fighting for the spot of Captain of Adstus and that Crimson would have taken it either way since he actually had organizational skills, which is why I put him in the position in the first place.

After we were all done getting chewed out by Twilight (besides Nashoba), I put on No Country For Old Men since I personally love the movie and it’s one of my favourites. I can’t name an actor in it besides Tommy Lee Jones, but that’s because I just like movies. I’m not a fanatic about them or anything. In any case, Noir and Onyx came in while the movie was still coming through the opening sequence and Onyx just grumbled about magic and technology being cheaty and shitty in turn. I mentioned to him that my projector and laptop were pure technology and invited him to watch the movie with us. Noir didn’t need an invitation and made Nashoba lay down so she could use her as a pillow. Well, I say she made her do it, but she actually just asked politely and Nashoba likes her enough to do it. With my three trainers in the room, I mentioned that we were going to have to have a word when the movie was over. Noir told me to shut up and I threw a smelly boot at her that Nashoba looked at rather hungrily. Suffice to say, I took my boot back with my Telekinesis before she could get her nibble on.

The movie was good, though everyone who was either a Wolf or a young Pony was confused out of their gourd. I told them that the fellow in the pool could have been anyone and that they would never know if the woman in the house had won the toss, so they could suck it or fuck it one way or the other since the movie had been left open ended anyway. Crimson told me that it was very unsatisfying, but that it had been good, but it had been far too violent for Twilight and Swift was bursting with questions about the things from my world. Noir and I answered them in turns since she knew everything about my world that I did and more since she could draw different conclusions from what she’d learned than I could. Onyx was silent, thought he asked why the small trains were so flimsy when compared to the high-tech muskets and I told him that it was because those ‘high tech muskets’ were called guns, and that those guns were made to fuck shit up. In fairness, I was surprised to hear that Equestria had muskets, but Onyx told me that they were banned across the world because they were too noisy and the only reason they could be used would be for war. The young folk hadn't even heard of them, but apparently they had been around for a little while

That gave me some ideas.

While I was thinking about those ideas, Noir reminded me that I’d wanted to have a talk with her, Crimson, and Onyx, so I took them to the Parlour and gave as rundown on what I wanted me and my soldiers to be able to do. Onyx and Noir told me that Ponies weren’t meant to climb, most weren’t fond of swimming, and that unless we suddenly had a war in a jungle, learning survival skills would be pointless because Ponies had always eaten grass when times got particularly tough. Honestly, I didn’t give a fuck about what Ponies didn’t do, I wanted that shit to happen and it would, even if I had to lead those lessons myself, but when I suggested that we use Ponyville lake to practice swimming, Onyx let me know that there was literally a Kraken under the surface that would happily leave Ponies alone since it had struck a deal with Celestia for peace when Ponyville was first founded. Any extra-Pony race would be fucked up, but Ponies would be okay, so I suggested that we use one of the ponds and Crimson said that he’d seen snapping turtles sunning around the banks of most of the ponds in Ponyville park, and plus they weren’t the most hygienic thing, so that was out.

I asked if the survival training was out of the question and Noir backed me up, saying that if my team could survive the Everfree, they could survive most jungles out there if it ever came to that. Crimson seemed quite perturbed by the idea, though he said that as long as we had a back-up gong in, he’d be less terrified with doing some training. Onyx said that he was too old to be fighting the forces of the Everfree right away since he was actually getting close to his sixties, but I caviled with him and said that I’d gone into the Everfree without a drop of combat training, a knife, and my own wits and had come out alive. It may have taken me a month to do so, but I survived until I got a weapon strong enough to whack whatever would come after me away. Crimson said that as long as I went in with the team, we would most likely be fine if I was really that strong, and I reminded him about the True Theft. I could rip his soul from the Afterlife as long as he wasn’t in The Great Beyond quite yet and put it back in his body if I felt the need to keep him around.

I got stares for that. I asked if anyone wanted to try giving up their soul for a minute, and Noir hit me, but it was worth it to see the looks on their faces.

When I was done being completely serious, Onyx asked me what True Theft was and I told him that it was Alicorn Magic that rivaled Celestia and Luna’s power. Noir was feeling herself a little bit and said that my True Theft would never beat her strongest magic, but when the thought crossed my mind that I could just take her magic and learn how to use it for myself, she paled and stared at me.

I smirked at her and raised a brow at her. “Problem, Blackberry?”

“Crimson, Onyx. I believe we have spoken all we need to concerning the training. I wish to speak with my pupil in private.” Noir said softly.

Onyx got up. “Sounds fine to me. Come on, Little Monster. I’ve got some work at the shop I need your help with.”

Crimson followed him and asked, “Why would you need my help? Hay, I don’t know a tumbler from a cow pie!”

“You know what a tumbler is and that’s a good start.” The older fellow said gruffly.

Crimson muttered under his breath and shut the door behind him. Noir hadn't stopped staring at me. “Maximus, do you know if you can truly steal magic from another?”

I nodded. “I know it for a fact. God said it could be anything. anything.”

Her breath caught. “We must try. All I ask is that you do not try to take it by force.”

I shook my head. “Once you feel me grab it, just relax, alright? Otherwise I’m going to be ripping it out.”

She winced. “That sounds like pain on a different level from that which I have faced.”

I grimaced. “I’m pretty sure it’s rather scarring. If it starts hurting too much for you to bear, let me know and I’ll stop for sure.”

Noir took a deep breath. “You swear you will not keep my greatest strength?”

“I swear-eru Noiru-san.”

She glared at me. “Take this seriously before I send you to Tartarus.”

I held my hands up, activating my True Theft. “Oi, it’s just me trying to lighten the situation. I swear on Twilight that I won’t take your shit from you against your will.”

“You had better not.” She took another breath. “Okay. I am prepared.”

I reached out across the room, my hand appearing in front of Noir just before it penetrated her in the least kinky of ways. She winced at the feeling. “It feels rather strange, like you are touching me at the core of my being.”

I rolled my eyes. “I am touching you at the core of your being. Now, let me just feel around for a moment…” I searched for a little bit, feeling medium sized spheres of different textures and temperatures.

I didn’t really know what I was looking for, but I figured that I was looking for something that felt like time itself, and time was fucking slimy, so I thought hard about finding something slimy for a second and two different balls touched my hand. That sounds really dirty, but I was pretty sure that things couldn’t get any more intimate than they already were, so fuck you, I guess. My heart really wasn’t behind that one. Huh. Anyway, I let the balls go away and focused on finding them again, and they came a bit quicker this time. I thought about Noir’s Unicorn Magic and a slightly smaller ball came to my hand, but it was just the one and it nestled in my hand rather quickly, so I quickly realized that the more specific I was, the faster I would get the desired result. Still, it took a bit of time to find thee little balls and Noir was getting impatient.

We’d been sitting for about thirty minutes when she’d had enough. “What is the problem? Can you not find it?”

I started and accidentally smacked one of the little balls that I think was her current thought. She blinked a few times and eased back into her chair, looking rather confused. “I could have sworn that something was on my mind…”

I raised my brows. “Sorry, Blackberry. You startled me and I think I hit your Thought Bubble.”

She searched my mind for what I meant. “...Wow. That… That is rather… Unsettling, I should say.”

“Yeah, sorry. I’ve been experimenting. Should’ve told you sooner.” I said, letting my concentration ease up a bit.

She nodded. “All is well. Please, continue as you were, though I must ask if you have found my power yet.”

“I found it. It’s cold and gooey.” I said casually, taking it in my hand. “Alright, are you ready?”

My mentor shuddered. “I can feel you holding it. I am ready, just be gentle as you remove it.”

“Will do.” I began the process of gently removing her True Magic, but I met no resistance, so I sped up a little bit until Noir made a face. “Is something wrong?”

“I can feel it leaving me, but it does not hurt. Please, continue.”

I nodded and took it the rest of the way, and when I had it out, we both looked at the little sphere for awhile. Noir came to stand next to me and we watched as the little thing grew clock-shaped eyes and gazed at us. Its lips and ears came next, though I don’t think it could actually speak. It was dark blue in coloration, so it was obviously Noir’s magic, and as it slowly turned into a Pony, it became clear that it was actually transforming into her, but without clothes. Once it was fully grown, it smiled and waved at us. We waved back and I traded it off into my right and and it sank in slowly, waving all the way. Shit felt like it was working its way through my veins into my heart, but when it got there, it didn’t quite feel right, and the next time I know, Noir is across the room again and I have her power in my hand, but not out of her. We’d jumped back in time about five minutes. I let her power go and gave her the grandest smile I could possibly manage.

“It fucking worked!” I beamed, removing my hand.

“What do you mean, ‘it worked’?” She searched my mind again, the feeling tingling in my brain. When she finished, her eyes lit up. “You instinctively used my power! It worked!”

We rushed each other and hugged. “Alright, now we just need to find out if I can keep it for more than the time it takes to settle in!” I gave her a smile.

She returned it. “Surely you can! I believe you must calm yourself and not let your heart become to excited.”

We settled down and tried again standing up. I entered her just as gently as before, but I removed her power more quickly than I had before, and once I felt it come into my heart like it had last time, I concentrated on letting it mingle with my True Theft instead of letting my magic kick it out, and when I sensed my True Theft getting ready to make it exit the facility in a rather rude manner, I reached into myself and held my True Magic for a little bit. It spun in my hand happily, and within my body, it grew into a hand and shook mine, which was fucking weird, but suddenly, I my head started hurting and my mind flooded with nearly unintelligible images. I knew what hatred, happiness, anger, love, despair, hope, fear, bravery, and true neutrality physically felt like, and that shit was weird. Like, I knew the textures and the temperatures that I would be looking for if I ever needed to find a certain emotion. I knew what things like good health, ill will, conniving thoughts, and insanity felt like too, not just emotions. It was like my magic had wanted to help me, for me to know it all along, but I think it was due to the fact that I wasn’t a native, one born of Equusian Magic who knew innately how to use their magic that I didn’t know how to reach it. I felt a tingle of envy toward Noir and the rest of the Alicorns who already knew what it had taken me so much time and effort to learn, but then I realized that I was the first to know that magic- I suppose I should capitalize that now since it’s a living thing… I’m the first to know that Magic itself is alive, which is frankly amazing. Emotions, feelings, concepts. All alive.

Fucking magical bullshit-as-fuck Pony world. Bringing life to shit and shit. Watch, I bet you literal shit is going to be alive next.

After I was done shaking hands with True Theft it swatted my hand, which I assumed was it telling me to leave, so I removed my hand from my chest and looked at Noir. “So Magic is alive.”

My mentor gave me a look. “Magic is energy. Energy is not alive.”

“I just shook hands with my Magic.” I said.

She blinked. “Oh.”

I raised my brows and let them drop. “Yeah. Oh. So is there a way I can bring you back in time with me?”

“I have never actually tried that. I suppose we could try touching each other while you use my Magic to transport us through time.”

I nodded and grabbed her boob before closing my eyes and thinking about going back in time. I opened them and Noir was giving me a look. “Alright, so I don’t think I know how to use your True Magic.”

She swatted my hand away and held her own hand out. “Then give it back. I miss having it.”

I backed away from her and started whistling. She looked at me sternly, so I sighed, reached in, and gave her the Time Magic back because I’m a nice guy who does nice things. She grimaced when I put it back inside of her, but other than that, nothing happened, so there was that. She told me that she was going to try reseting time with me in her grasp, but I don’t remember the keyword she apparently told me, so I guess Noir’s True Magic is rather straightforward. However, she did tell me that she used it to tickle my pickle in front of Twilight without my permission, so I hit her, but she hit me back because it technically hadn't happened. I hit her for hitting me and she did the same to me and that continued as we went into the living room. Nashoba was sitting on Swift, talking to Twilight about something or other and Swift was either stuck or too terrified to move. Noir and I asked her to find another seat, so she waited until Noir and I sat on the couch to climb on top of me, my lover, and my mentor. It was nice, warm, and soft. I took a brush that I’d never actually used and Had Twilight groom her head for me since I couldn’t quite reach and started talking to Swift, who was looking much better without a Dire Wolf on his lap. However, that meant I had one on mine and she was getting rather warm.

Nashoba was soaking up the affection, however, though I’m pretty sure that the brushing of her coat wasn’t doing her mood any harm. When Twilight made her head shine, she passed the brush to me so I could do the majority of the work, and that took a good fifteen minutes since I had so much Wolf to cover. Noir said that she wasn't brushing her butt, so Nashoba hit her with her tail and I heard the thud. It sounded like it hurt. Noir wasn’t bothered by it, however, and just grabbed her tail to avoid getting hit again. She let go when Nashoba rolled off of us, and when she started staring my mentor down, neither one of them was budging. Or blinking. They went for like, five minutes before Nashoba blinked first with Noir doing so shortly after. After that, Noir rolled her eyes and told her to make me brush her butt if she really wanted someone to do it and I told her that it just wasn’t how the lineup worked. Nashoba started looking at me with malicious, evil, Dog-eat-Dog intent. The puppy-eyes weren’t helping her case any, however, so I rolled my eyes and grabbed the brush because I was feeling like a nice guy who does nice things from time to time.

Once I was done with the injustice of brushing my puppers butt, she made me do her tail I poked her in the bum with the brush. She let out the cutest little yip and threatened to bit my hand off if I ever did it again, so I told her that I would seal her mouth with my Seal and make her never be able to bite again, though that brought up the problem of her never eating again, so I told her not to bite my hand off. I rather like my hands.

Nothing really happened, but Crimson came back when the Sun fell below the horizon and he seemed like he was mentally exhausted, so I asked him if he wanted to play a trivia game with Twilight and myself, though he just gave me the single finger salute that I returned with my home country’s own special spin. I was pretty sure that Onyx had bored him to death with talk of locks and their inner mechanics, and when I asked, Crimson told me that he’d actually been giving him tips on how to help me run the team, how to keep everyone’s spirits up when times got hard, and when to slap me around to knock some sense into me. General second-in-command bullshit, I suppose. Either way, Crimson was not in the mood for trivia, he still didn't want to arm wrestle me, and he was going to be making dinner since he didn't feel like frittatas were acceptable. I needed to get rid of the eggs, however, so I made them for Nashoba while he got the prep work done for his fettuccine carbonara. I may have eaten some for myself, but no one said anything, so that was nice.

Dinner was fantastic since Crimson had to pose as a gourmet chef for one of his missions, though he only told us that after he made dinner and everyone asked where he’d gotten the skill from. In the house, we were actually the only two people who could cook any sort of meal besides... Well, Noir knew how to make beef stew, but that was pretty much it, and Twilight got a little peckish once Noir brought up the fact that she ate meat again. The food was too good to let it go to waste, so I told a few knock knock jokes to get her mind off of it, though most of what I got from around the table were groans. Noir apologized to me telepathically for being a bit tasteless, but I told her that it was fine since I’d brought up the subject of cooking in the first place.

Swift mentioned that he’d inherited his mother’s cooking skills, which is to say, he once turned a simple vegetable soup consisting of carrots, peas, and potatoes into a purple mass that glowed. He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair, but no matter what he did, he couldn’t explain what had happened to it. Every time he tried to cook something, it turned purple. I told him to show us with an open pot and had him boil some macaroni noodles so we could see what exactly went on and he just pinched the bridge of his nose while it came up to a rolling boil.

Then shit got weird.

The water slowly started getting a purple tint, but Twilight couldn’t identify any kind of magic being used, so we all watched in shock as the macaroni dissolved into the water and started to congeal, turning the water a purple the same color as Twilight’s coat. I turned the stove off, absolutely staggered with what the fuck I had just seen. When we turned around to look at Swift, He had one arm tucked under the over and his mouth covered. He spread the hand over his mouth and looked at us, having completely expected the outcome.

“Every time.” Swift walked off into the living room and grabbed a book he’d been reading from my study.

“How.” Crimson said. He looked at Twilight, Noir, and myself.

I shrugged. Twilight looked at the noxious mix. Noir said, “I have been on this planet for thousands of years, and I have no answer.”

We left it at that. I had Twilight send the pot over to Luna to see what she could make of it and she sent it back with a note telling us not to send over Starshine’s work without giving her notice first. We explained that it was actually just Swift Strike’s cooking which shocked her. She said that she’d never seen anything like that before and asked what he’d been trying to make, so we told her about it just being normal macaroni and she wrote back that she would take a look at the pot some other time, but when we collected it, the purple sludge was moving. I didn’t know how to make it die, so I had Noir burn it with Black Fire out in the far reaches of my yard, and the shit didn't burn. It seemed to glow more brightly, so I just grabbed the goop with my True Theft and sent it into space where it couldn’t hurt anyone anymore. Twilight didn’t ask me to write in my journal last night, so I’m actually filling this out nearly a full day after the events. Still, Noir helped me remember pretty much anything I forgot, so everything that’s important is there.

I actually slept that night, though I woke up to Twilight squirming around in the bed, muttering about purple tentacles. I woke her up and held her for a few hours because she obviously needed it and it’s not like it was actually required for me to sleep. Hell, I’m pretty sure that Alicorns can go on indefinitely as long as they have sufficient caloric intake, and apparently I’m a fucking Alicorn or something, a fact that I half-assedly confirmed with Celestia early when the Sun rose. She asked if Twilight was awake through our letters and she wasn’t, so Celestia told me to head to my living room or a private area so we could have a conversation that would hopefully clarify things. I went to my sun room since I liked the view and had a couple cuppas along with a kettle to refresh them since I figured we might be talking for a little bit.

While I was wondering if I should’ve used a different cozy-thing to put my kettle on, watching the forest as i thought, Celestia popped in. She was facing me when she came in for once, so that was nice. “Good morning, Max. I see you’ve made tea.” She looked a little confused.

I raised a brow. “Would you prefer coffee? Because I can make coffee and would happily do so.”

Celestia made a face. “I’d prefer not to drink your mud-water, thank you. Tea is perfectly fine, I just assumed that you were more of a coffee person.”

“I am,” I said flatly, “but I’ve never seen you drink a cup of coffee in the year or so I’ve known you. However, the first thing we ever did together was drink tea with Twilight, so…” I made a ‘There you go’ kind of gesture.

She took the seat next to me and retrieved her cup and saucer from the inn table. “I see you’ve also put out some cookies. Someone’s feeling awfully thoughtful this morning.”

“It’s because I’d really like this question answered, Hun. I know I’m not a Revenant anymore, but what makes an Alicorn an Alicorn?” I asked.

Celestia shrugged helpfully. “Most of my little Ponies would say that it’s the horn and the wings, but I personally believe that it is the Magic within that makes an Alicorn an Alicorn. You appeared in the Alicorn Realm. We saw your deeds, good and bad, as you’ve done throughout your time in Equestria, or should I say on Equus? You have True Magic. Your appearance in the Realm called me to investigate. I would say that you are an Alicorn.”

I sighed. “Isn’t it possible that it’s just that beings with True Magic can go there? What if Discord or Uror want to show up? I doubt there’s anything stopping them.”

Celestia sipped her tea and said nothing.

“...Am I missing something here?”

She waited to respond. “As far as I am aware, the only people that have been there have been Ponies and yourself. In the thousands of years I’ve guarded the Alicorn Realm, the only people that have gone in were yourself, Luna, Twilight, and Cadance.”

I nodded slowly. “So when do I get my hooves and wings?”

Celestia chuckled. “Hopefully never. You are far more interesting as a Human.”

“Oi! I could be sarcastic and asinine as a Pony!” I objected.

The Solar Diarch rolled her eyes. “Is there really anything stopping you from being polite from time to time? I swear, your sanity waxes and wanes with the tides as they rise and fall most days.”

I activated my True Theft and jammed my thumb into her side. She made the funniest little noise and glared at me. “What? My sanity is waning!”

She reached over and hit me. “Hush, you insolent foal.”

“Oh no, you wouldn’t like me when I’m quiet. It means I’m thinking, and thinking means plotting.” I grinned.

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Whatever you say. Plot against Discord all you want, but leave your pranks in your past.”

“Like you have any room to fucking talk!” I chuckled.

She gave me a sly smile. “Perhaps I do, I most likely don’t. How were the candied yams I sent over?”

“Delicious, but they made my teeth the same color as Applejack you twat.” I said irritably. “Oi, you wanna stick around to see Swift cook breakfast? The guy’s a natural in the kitchen”

“I’m afraid I’m only here for a little conversation.”

I drained half my cup and cast a sidelong glance at Celestia. “I have a full pot of tea and no one polite to drink it with. Are you telling me that you wouldn’t be willing to help me get through it?”

Celestia had been sipping her tea up until then, but she stopped. “What did you do to the tea, Maximus?”

I smirked. “Whatever do you mean, Hun?”

Her shoulders slumped and she groaned. “Max, I have Court all day! Honestly, can your pranks not wait until the first of the week when nopony wants to come to Day Court?”

I just grinned at her and refilled my cup. “If it makes you feel any better, the tea is a Dragon Pearl hybrid that I’m particularly fond of. How is it?”

“Bitter.” She replied saucily.

“Huh. Freshen up your cup and tell me if it’s still bitter.” I requested politely.

She rolled her eyes. “I’m not just letting you prank me, Maximus.”

I gave her a look. “I’ve already gotten you. I just want you to enjoy the tea for what it is at this point.”

“How did you already- You didn’t!” Celestia exclaimed.

I smiled. “That’s a classic.”
‘

Celestia teleported a mirror into her hands and checked her teeth, but when she looked at them, they were white. “...So you didn’t?”

“I’m a new school kinda guy.” I sipped my tea casually.

She stared at me for a moment and I swear I could hear her stomach gurgle. “You-” Another gurgle. “You’re terrible!” Celestia held her stomach while I held back a smile.

“Have fun with Day Court, Mudbutt!” I cackled.

She glared daggers at me and teleported away, leaving me with a pot of tea all to myself. I sighed and poured a little more into her cup, waiting to see if she would come back. She actually did a few minutes later and she still had the same hateful look and murderous intent in her eyes.

“I hate you so very much right now.” She seethed.

“But I love you like you love your little Ponies right now, if not more.” I gave her a quivering smile.

“I will get my revenge. Maybe not today, maybe not this decade, but I will pay you back for this-” Her stomach gurgled and she whimpered. “Oh stars above, someone put an arrow through my heart.”

I laughed. “If it makes you feel any better, it’s only supposed to last an hour. I’d call a sick day and start plotting your revenge if I were you.”

She glared at me hotly. “Be wary of those you trust as well, Maximus. I’ll even use Twilight to get back at you.”

I rolled my eyes. “She sucks at pranks. Besides, consider this payback for all the times you broke skin on my knuckles while you were giving lectures and I’m sure you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me.”

Celestia grabbed my arm and moaned as her stomach churned once more. She teleported out soon after and I sat back and had myself a biscuit. It was nice and soothing since I’d actually dosed both cups, but I was going to let Celestia suffer a little more before I told her that they were the antidotes to what ailed her, but when she came back and didn’t sit down, I just looked at her and waved my biscuit.

“How’s the throne doing?” I asked.

“Alright, I’ve found what I’m going to do to you in return, and it’s a spell I swore to only use against my worst enemy.” Celestia panted.

I blinked. “...Try a biscuit, won’t you?”

She glanced at the biscuits. “I don’t think adding more to my stomach is going to make it better.”

I shrugged. “If you don’t want one, don’t have one. Suffer as you please.”

Celestia levitated a biscuit to her hand. “If these cookies are laced with more laxatives, I’m going to break your femurs and make you wait until I feel like fixing them.”

I bit my biscuit and chewed slowly. Celestia did the same and sat down. I heard her stomach churn a bit more softly and she inhaled three more before I could stop her. “Dammit, Celestia!”

She was still chewing and tilted her head.

“The biscuits are anti-diarrhetics! You’ve probably just constipated yourself!” I groaned. Inwardly, I was laughing my arse off.

“...Are you saying that I’m going to have to drink more of your tea to balance it out?” Mudbutt asked softly.

“If you want to have a bowel movement in the next week, yeah, most likely.”

“Why? Why do you do this to me?” She asked, tears rising in her eyes.

“Because I hate you and want you to suffer more that I want you to have fun.” I rolled my eyes. “Well do the same thing to Luna, yeah? Slip her some tea tonight when I invite you both to dinner?”

She pursed her lips and I put dispelled the Seal I’d put on the underside of a biscuit before adding another and handing it to Celestia. “Here, this should return you to gastro-intestinal normalcy.”

My former lover looked at it skeptically. “I ask you this now in confidence: is this an extension of your prank?”

I shook my head. “No, this is the end of thirty minutes of torture and the beginning of normals poos for you." She made a face at my language. "I didn’t make it terribly specific, but you’ll have one more go after eating it, and that should be all for the day. It’ll just be purging the rest of the Magic from your system since you’ve put a lot in there.” I waved my hand over the rest of the biscuits and dispelled the rest of the Seals.

Celestia took a bite. “So how did you set this prank up? Did you individually mark each of the cookies with your Seal?”

I nodded. “It goes by faster when you’re doing the same thing over and over again. The reason I had to use the Dragon Pearl hybrid tea was so I could actually mark it, you know. I don’t do pranks thoughtlessly, after all.”

She looked a bit interested. “...What if I offer to help you prank Cadance again?”

I smirked at Celestia. “How do you feel about Poltergeists?”

The Solar Diarch frowned hard. “I dislike them greatly.”

I tapped my ring twice. “Trust me, you’ll like Jovia. She’s a treat, after all.”

Celestia tilted her head and started as Jovia extricated herself from my ring, stretching and yawning. “Good day, Master Maximus.”

“Good morning Jovia. Did you have any interesting dreams?” I asked.

She beamed at me and was about to speak when she laid eyes on Celestia. “...Mistress Celestia?”

Celestia looked confused. “I… I know you. I can’t recall your name, but I most definitely know you.”

Jovia’s face lit up and she floated over to quickly give Celestia a ghostly hug. “Oh Mistress! How I have missed you so!”

Celestia hugged her back hesitantly and looked a little shocked. “I’m sorry, but could you tell me where I know you from?”

“Why, I was one of your maids long ago! I cannot tell you how long it has been since you graced those halls with your presence, but they always seemed so empty without your sovereign light! It is good to see you again, it is the greatest joy!” The poltergeist let her go and spun around doing a little dance in the air to music that wasn’t playing.

Celestia just stared. “Wait… I remember your voice, your name! Cinder Heart! My favourite handmaiden from the Old Castle!” She smiled brightly, then sadly. “Wait… You… You didn’t pass on?”

Cinder Heart smiled sadly. “Many of us who were awake when your sister revolted did not.”

“...I never knew.” Celestia said softly.

I held her hand for a moment. “If it makes you feel any better, none of them have turned into evil spirits.”

Cinder Heart shook her head. “You are wrong. There was one who took over a cadaver since they knew Black Magic in their days of life, but the presence disappeared from the Ether around the same time you came and took me into your service.”

“I stand corrected.”

Celestia sighed. “Then I will have an exorcist go there and perform the funeral rites my people were denied.”

The friendly Poltergeist touched Celestia’s cheek. “Do not be saddened, Mistress. There is no pain in the Ether, only boredom. Now that we know that Mistress Luna was not in control of her actions, I have felt many of our people move on since they see that holding their grudges will do them no favours.”

Celestia gave her a small smile. “Thank you Cinder Heart-”

“Please, Mistress, my name is Jovia now. Master Maximus went through the trouble of giving me a new name, and I find it to have a nice ring to it. Do you feel the same?” Jovia asked a little nervously.

Sunbutt gave her a genuine smile. “A new name for a new journey, no? It’s lovely, Jovia.”

I smiled to myself. “So do you still want to pull that prank real quick, or do you want to catch up with Jovia?”

They looked at me and back at each other. Jovia said, “I like pranks! I have not pulled one in many years!”

Celestia nodded. “Then we’ll do both in turns. I’ll be sending you to the Crystal Empire, the place Princess Amore and King Sombra once ruled. The current Princess in Power is Mi Amore Cadenza, and when you get there, I want you to go wild. Call her name while invisible, whisper in her ear, caress her wings, so on and so forth. Maximus will be adding in some of his own touches, so I believe this will be fun.”

I grinned evilly. “I might have some fun for myself. I won’t go too far, but I’m sure tummy rubs are on the table.”

They both looked at me like I was a strange little fellow, so I gave them the two finger salute. “Let’s just get on with it, yeah?”

And so we did. Celestia teleported Jovia to the Crystal Castle and she went invisible for a while. Cadance and Shining were eating breakfast when we sent her over, so Jovia didn’t have to think to hard about making the odd piece of fruit fall off of the table every few minutes. Cadance and Shining were visibly disturbed since neither of them were doing it, and through Celestia’s Scrying spell, I could see that they were becoming more and more disturbed. Cadance started jolting and whipping her head side to side and rubbing her shoulder, so I tried to time my one-handed juggling with some of her antics, and when I got started, Jovia spooked Cadance enough to make her shriek and run over to Shining who held her. I started tossing the fruit at them with a high arc so it wouldn't actually hurt if it hit them, and when we saw Cadance’s horn light up, I turned my True Magic off, Celestia stopped her Scrying spell and we both picked up our cups of tea and started talking about the weather around Canterlot. Moments later, Cadance and Shining were standing on the other side of my table, so I faked it so I looked like I was startled and spilled a bit of tea on my lap.

“Fucking oi! Don’t fucking teleport into my house without permission you fucking wankers!” I said, pretending like I was pissed.

Celestia looked over and magicked my lap clean. “Maximus, I assure you tthat such language was not necessary. However, he is right, Cadance, Shining. You both know it’s very rude to invite yourself directly into someone else’s home, even if we are all a part of the Royal Family.”

Shining glared at me. “Don’t pretend like you weren’t the one pranking us-”

“If you’re talking about events that have happened in the past hour, I assure you that he wasn’t. We’ve been sitting together for most of the morning so far.” Celestia defended.

Cadance looked at Shining. “I don’t think Max can give hugs with his power, Shining. I’m telling you, somepony wrapped their arms around me and gave me a kiss on the cheek! I could feel it!”

I leveled a glare at both of them. “If that’s the case, then there’s literally no way I could’ve done that shit.” I activated my true Theft and showed them my arms. “You see how the right one has the jewel and the left one is all swirly and black? The left one is the only one that can reach through dimensions. “Now, if you don’t mind, go fuck yourselves.”

Celestia hit me and I stuck my tongue out at her. “What Max actually means is that he doesn’t appreciate you blaming him for every little occurrence that seems to be a prank. From what you’ve said so far, it sounds like you’ve been invaded by a friendly ghost of some kind, though I would have to inspect the area it affected to know for sure.”

Cadance looked unsure. “I don’t know… I wouldn’t put it past you two to pull pranks this early in the morning.”

I rolled my eyes. “I didn’t even know you were up. I thought there was a time difference between Equestria and the Crystal Empire.”

“There is a slight one, but it’s not too steep.” Celestia covered smoothly.

I sipped my tea. “Okay then. If you two hadn't made me spill my tea on myself, I’d offer you a cuppa, but I’d rather you just go back to your haunted castle and have your fun with that.”

Cadance shivered. “I don’t think I like that idea.”

Shining shook his head. “I’m not a fan myself. It didn’t bother me too much, but still. If it’s bothering Cadance, I don’t want to make her go back. I can handle things back home if you wouldn’t mind having Cadance in Canterlot for a few days, Celestia.”

Celestia nodded. “I would be happy to have you, Cadance, but it is ultimately up to you. Do you want to be run out of your home by a petty ghost?”

Cadance shook her head and grew a bit of a back bone. “No! I’m not afraid of some ghost! It just took me by surprise is all!”

I scoffed. “You were about to make a mess on my floor when you got here.”

Shining shot me a glare. “Keep talking.”

“I’ll spin you, mate.” I threatened.

He shut up.

Cadance patted his arm. “Let’s go do some research on exorcising spirits and see what we can come up with. I’m sure the library will have something.”

He nodded and Cadance gave me an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry that we accused you of something you didn’t do, Max, but you know your track record.”

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever you say, Candy Arse. Have fun pegging your husband.”

She and Shining looked at me. “What does that mean?” Cadance asked.

Celestia blushed and sipped her tea. “Don’t worry about it too much and just have fun while you do it, I suppose. I’ll see you two later.”

They nodded and teleported out, and when they were gone, Celestia gave me a look. “Really, Max. I assure you that Shining is far too rigid a stallion for such acts.”

I looked her in the eye. “Cadance herself told me that he loves it when she uses the strap-on I gave them.”

Her jaw dropped.

I shrugged. “They do what they do. Wanna bring Jovia back now?”

Celestia shook her head and my favourite ghosty reappeared a few seconds later with a smile on her face. “Well? Did they come here after my ministrations?”

“They sure did, you evil little minx. It was fucking great!” I beamed at her and rose for a hug.

Celestia chuckled lightly. “It was rather funny, though I believe they may come to suspect that it was you since the touching stops from here on.”

I rolled my eyes. “They can’t prove shit anyway. Speaking of proving things, I’ve gotta get the boys together and go for our morning run. We’re already a couple hours late, but as long as we get it done, you know?”

Celestia nodded and Jovia waved me off as I caught up with Swift and Crimson in the kitchen. Crimson made the usual soup, which meant that it was far better than anything I would’ve made, so that was nice, though Swift gave me a dirty look when I asked him to cook tomorrow. I went and got Twilight up for the run since she’d requested that she be able to join us, though when she went to take a shower beforehand, I told her that it was pointless since we were going to be sweating while we were out. She conceded to my point, ate breakfast, and we ran like we usually did though Twilight still flew when she ran out of petrol.

When we got back home, Noir told me that she was going to Canterlot to check on her orders and I asked if I could go with her, though she basically just told me that I was invited to go anywhere she went, and if I wasn’t, then I would be one way or another. Twilight had to go home and do some stuff around the house and make sure our friends knew that she was still alive, so I told her to say hi for me and thus Noir, Crimson, Swift, and I went to Canterlot to go grab our stuff.

Letrotski had done fucking great on our shit, if I do say so myself. I took one of my throwing knives and tried stabbing through the fabric of my Adstus uniform while it was on a mannequin and made no progress or damage to it, so I was thrilled. Crimson liked the design and the way his his colors looked with my Seal, and we got Swift measured and Letrotski got some people working on his stuff. He said it would be done in a couple of days, so that was nice. Noir teleported all of our shit home when we got it, though she mentioned that she was going to be residing in Canterlot soon enough. That saddened me a bit, so I tried not to think about it too hard and I had her send Pinkie’s suit to her after I attached a note to it so we wouldn’t have to bother giving it to her later.

While we were getting our shit done and were preparing to head back home, I received a letter from Starshine that said she was already at my house with most of her shit and that she just needed to know why no one was answering the door. I had pour group walk back into Letrotski’s shop, asked Noir to bring Starshine in, and got her measured for her suit. Crimson avoided her pretty well, though that meant she was asking me where he was the entire time she was getting measured, and when the seamstress was done, she was starting to get a little snippy until Swift backed me up and said that Crimson was just doing something else, though he was around here somewhere.

When I made the last call for Crimson, he showed up and Starshine stuck to his side like glue because she’s fucking crazy like that, and Noir Shadow Dived us all back to my house so we could get the meet and greet over with. I took a moment to make some tea, bring out some lunch wine, and to grab Nashoba before we got started. Noir said that she was going to start getting her stuff packed while we were doing our thing and that just drove the fact that her staying with me wasn’t meant to be a permanent thing home. Soon enough, my wonderful, thoughtful, violent mentor would be leaving me for Celestia and Luna to claim a place as a General and that made me feel like I was losing her. Noir promised that we could still see each other in the mindscape, so I took what I could get and got everyone settled down for the house meeting. I was in my easy chair, Crimson in the lounger, Swift in the recliner, and Starshine was in some random chair that I thought was a little uncomfortable, but she apparently loved it. Nashoba, as always, took the couch since no one else was there.

Nothing important was said, though it became clear rather quickly that Starshine would be spending most of her time and her salary on upgrading my lab. It was fine for what she needed at the moment, but there were a few instruments from home that she realized that she needed and would happily shell out a few bits to get them. I figured that what I had would do, but you know what they say about assuming. Crimson reminded everyone of the rule about unwanted contact and Starshine got the picture, though she still obviously lusted after him and wanted nothing more than to have him all to herself. Swift promised that he wouldn’t touch Noir in the ways he wanted to, which got a laugh out of Crimson and myself, though we laughed harder than we should have because Noir ended Shadow Diving right behind his chair as he described the way her breasts bounced. The look on his face when Starshine asked if he was planning on wooing her was hilarious since he’d broke out into the cheesiest grin.

Noir whacked the back of his head and told him to lust after a woman in his league and Crimson and I couldn’t stop laughing. Swift grew bright red and looked like he wanted to be anywhere else but where he was. He asked how long she had been there and Starshine told him that she’d showed up behind him right after his comment about her ‘big, bouncy, perfect flank’. It was amusing.

Later in the day, I wrote Iron Hoof about showing up before the deadline but she didn’t have Dragon Fire, so she didn’t reply. However, minutes after I wrote the damn thing, I heard a knock and my door and the Devil did appear. I reassembled everyone and had Iron Hoof introduce herself and tell us a little information that we should know about her and I conducted the tour. Iron was a little excited and a lot nervous to be in a Prince’s house, but she played it off pretty well and I couldn’t help but think that she would make a good Operative based on those characteristics. Sure, her morals would need some tweaking for it, but she had the physicality and the mindset for it, so I was hoping that she would be good for it.

I sat Noir and Crimson down for a quick chat and talked about the weapon choices of our little cadre. Crimson and I were both using swords, though his longsword wasn’t much like my Kopis at all. Iron said that she’d felt most comfortable wielding a warhammer during the extended training for the Guard, and Swift had his glaive, so now we just needed to know what kind of knives to get them and we needed to have official weapons for Adstus made for them. Something to be done the next day during a trip to Canterlot and when we saw Coffee Cream. I pointed out that Coffee and Starshine looked very similar and Crimson said that it was because they were sisters. Twins, actually. That didn’t surprise me all that much, to be honest, and that had been one of my first guesses as to why they looked so alike.

I got Starshine, Iron, and Swift together and told them that they were all going to be receiving new weapons. Starshine would only be getting a knife, and she was perfectly fine with that. She said, however, that she wanted two stilettos since she’d used them during her combat oriented mission to much success. Iron wanted a blade somewhat like my Kopis that was called a Kukri, though it would be a much smaller version. Swift wanted a good old fashioned hunting knife, but the size he wanted put it in the Bowie Knife category, so with all of our desired shit written down, I told them that we would be heading to Canterlot in the next day to get the stuff done.

After that, I sat down and wrote some more of Midnight Stroll and the Stolen Sword. It was turning into a better, more action packed tale than my others since it was a pure work of fiction in that the only sword I had ever stolen had been a rapier instead of a gladius like the one I put in the book, and I’d never used it in a fight since that would depreciate the value.

Once I finished with my book for the night, I popped into Twilight’s house for a little bit to find that she was writing in her diary for the night with Spike snoozing in a chair with a book over his face. I gave her a kiss goodnight and went back home since that was all I’d wanted and started writing in my own journal to get my thoughts down. It’s been taking a little time, but it’s nowhere near as long as some of my other entries that took multiple days to compile, though I guess that’s because I put my entries together in weird little collections that don’t make sense to anyone but me.

If you don’t like it, get hit by a horse and buggy or something. You won’t catch me givin’ a single fuck.

… I feel weird about the whole Adstus thing right now. I mean, everyone’s here. It’s happening. I think I’ll pick my journals up when we start training, but for the time being, I believe I’ll devote the time I usually spend on them to woodworking or something. I’m sure Twilight will understand, and even if she doesn’t, I just don’t… I just don’t feel it these days. I feel like I’m constantly pumping out information, and it’s overloading me a little bit. I just want a few days where I can relax and do something more mind numbing or something, anything to get my head straight. Maybe I just feel this way because Twilight isn’t here and I only saw her for a few minutes tonight.

In any case, here seems like a good place to stop. Fucking Pony world. I can’t stop quite yet. I just had to shake hands with my True Theft again and it tickled my palm with its middle finger like a little twat. I tried removing a few other things, like my hope, my happiness, and my sadness, and they all gave me different responses. Hope and happiness didn’t like being outside for long and they seemed a little skittish, but sadness just seemed to be there like it had nothing better to do, so I put him back where he belonged and felt around for any other kind of Magic that might have been laying dormant. I found my secret power, True Theft swatted me away, and a third that I didn’t recognize bumped up against my fingertips, but always eluded my grasp when I tried to feel it. I don’t know what it is or why it’s there, but I’m sure that it’ll be useful if i ever need it. Hopefully I never do, but you know how these things go.

And with that being said, I need some Goddamn alone time. Left hand? Check. Lotion? Check. Scrapbook of me and a few other pretty ladies? Check. It’s gonna be a good time.

Author's Note

I actually had to edit this chapter multiple times because of my laptop's bullshit. It sucked, but I made it through, though I must say that reading the same thing over and over again because the changes you made didn't get saved sucks ass.

On another note, who fucks horses? I'm pretty sure it's legal in like 23 states, so who even does that?

Chapter Forty-Nine: Games To Remember
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Forty-Nine: Games To Remember

Chapter Forty-Nine: Games To Remember

While I was up because I didn’t actually need to sleep, I got a letter from Fleur that was a piece of absolute hate-mail. Apparently A Star-Crossed Love had been published and she’d gotten her hands on a first edition copy. That being said, she finished the book in a couple of days and was absolutely livid with how the thing had ended and that I hadn't come to visit. She was more angry about the book than me not visiting since she assumed that I was busy with Princely duties, but still. She let me know that she was very displeased with the ending and would never forget the transgressions that I’d committed against her and my reader-base personally, but when I wrote back and only apologized for not visiting her, she somehow mustered the magical strength to teleport into my room.

I turned my lamp on so I could see her properly, and there she was: beautiful, prepared for bed, and pissed beyond reason. “Evening, Love. What brings you over?” I asked politely.

“I’m going to beat you with a stick, Maximus. Really, how could you let Lily die before she consummated her love with Dusk? And how could you make Dusk only get out of prison long after his son was born!? You’re a monster, you insufferable, evil, hateful, spiteful, evil stallion! Curse you! Curse you to Tartarus and back a thousand times!” Fleur shouted, pointing an accusing finger at me.

I waved. “I’ve missed you, you know? I’ve been meaning to get back in touch, but life has gotten hectic here in the past few months-”

“Shut up! Just shut up! Do you even know what you’ve done!?” She screamed. “You have single handedly destroyed one of the most lovely, most touching and passionate romances of the century by ending it so accursedly that I cannot fathom what kind of wicked being would ever do something so- So- So- evil!”

I scratched my head. “That’s how the story was always meant to end. I only put three tags on my story: harlequin, romance, and tragedy. If you don’t like it, there’s a young fella downstairs who probably wouldn’t mind giving you some good angry sex.”

“I don’t want sex, I want you to release the real ending, you undeniable louse! You are a mouse among stallions! A bee in the bonnet of every mare! You- You- You- You are simply the most awful pony that has ever lived!”

I got out of my bed and walked up to Fleur, staring her down. “If you don’t like the way the series ended, then you can fucking deal with it. I don’t write to satisfy you, I write to satisfy me. I do what I do because I enjoy it. If all you have are hateful words for someone you haven’t seen in two years, then perhaps you shouldn’t be speaking. You know how the epilogue exists? Well it wasn’t supposed to. That was me trying to take the sting out of the news by having Dusk end up with someone to lean on in the absence of Lily, and frankly, I don’t give a damn what you think about my work.”

Fleur drew herself up to her full height. “If I could teleport home I would. You’re a terrible pony.”

I poked her breast. “And you’re getting really annoying. Will you shut up about the book and give me a hug, or are you going to keep bitching until I reach the point where I smack your shit?”

She swatted my hand away. “You wouldn’t dare.”

I used my True Theft to poke her in the back of the throat. She didn’t even flinch. “I would dare. I don’t like being yelled at, Fleur, and I especially don’t like being yelled at by my friends.”

Fleur swallowed hard a few times and crossed her arms, trying to speak past my finger, but failing miserably. She made a face and kept trying to the point where she was trying to squeeze my finger out of her throat, but without a gag reflex, it’s not like I had to worry about it. I ended up adding another finger to her throat and Fleur turned away from me and tried to cough them up, which felt rather strange all things considered, but I still didn’t remove my fingers. She put two and two together and figured that I was the cause of her discomfort and hit me, so I gave her a smirk.

“What? Cat got your tongue?” I asked cheekily.

She gave me a rather rude gesture and glared, so I removed my fingers. “I don’t know how you did that and I don’t want to know, but I assure you that fingers are not things I want in the back of my throat!” I'm just going to leave that one alone.

I rolled my eyes. “It shut you up, didn’t it? Sorry that I lack the patience to put up with bullshit when I don’t feel I deserve it, but get off my arse and we won’t have a problem, yeah?”

Fleur huffed and was silent for a moment. “I can’t believe you ended The Lover’s Days Trilogy in such an awful way.”

I shrugged. “It was always supposed to end like that. There aren’t many tragic books in Equestria and I wanted to leave my mark on the literary scene as being the boldest fellow out there with his writing. I brought passion, love, anger, and heartbreak together in a rather well written way and I like how I did so. I’m not putting out an alternate ending.”

She shook her head vehemently. “I refuse to accept that Lily passed away before she could get married to her true love. I simply refuse!”

I shrugged again. “They loved each other even as they were apart. I found that to be all the sweeter in the end since neither of them ever found another person that they loved so much. There’s an old saying in my world: T’is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.”

“That’s a terrible saying.”

“Doesn’t have to make you happy. I didn’t want to write a story that just made people happy. I wanted people to feel something when they read my stories, to love the characters and to accept them into their hearts as possible friends so that when the tragedy came, they would feel it all the more. I accomplished what I set out to do, so I’m content with what happened.”

Fleur scoffed. “You’re a terrible stallion with a terrible mind. I rather wish I could teleport home now.”

“I can send you back, but you’ll probably fall when I do. What say I put on some tea and we catch up? It’s been too long since we’ve seen each other and I rarely have the time to get a social visit in Canterlot done these days. What do you say?”

“... I suppose I could stop looking at you as an awful writer for a few hours and start looking at you as my estranged friend. What kind of tea do you have?”

“I got that good good. I got that God-damn. I’m your pusha man, I’m your- I’m your pusha man.” I spouted from memory.

Fleur looked at me like I’d lost my damn mind and I suppose that I did for a moment or two. She lead the way downstairs, but when she opened the door, Noir was there, staring her down. “Hello Fleur.”

The pale woman looked up to the dark blue one. “...Hello?”

Noir continued staring at her. “If you could refrain from shouting at my pupil like you have lost your mind, I would greatly appreciate it.” She grabbed Fleur’s horn. “Otherwise, I am ripping this from your head and shoving it somewhere unpleasant. Do we having an understanding?”

“...Understood.” Fleur responded softly.

My mentor held her there for a few more moments and went back into her room shortly thereafter. Fleur turned to me and asked, “What was that terrifying creature?”

“That was my mentor and Mistress in the traditional sense, Noir. She’s very protective of me.” I said casually. “Don’t worry about her too much, I’ll stop her if she tries to rip your horn off.”

“... Have I ever told you that you’re a handsome and talented stallion?” Fleur said loudly.

I raised a brow at her and started walking towards the stairs, not deeming that worthy of a response. Fleur followed quickly and even got in front of me on the stairs to put some distance between her and Noir, or possibly to put me between her and Noir. Either way, I’m pretty sure my mentor wasn’t terribly fond of Fleur promiscuous ways in the first place, so I was happy to let my friend avoid getting her lovely face wrecked. Noir told me that she just wasn’t a fan of Fleur’s general sluttiness and I responded with the fact that she was probably that way because of some psychological trauma, but Fleur started talking to me before Noir could reply, so Fleur and I went into my kitchen and kept the conversation going with some tea.

The tea was good and the company was nice, so we kept the conversation going for awhile. The first thing Fleur mentioned to me was that Fancy had beaten up Night Light on my behalf and would love to hear from me later in the day, so I told her that my group and I were going to be heading to Canterlot later anyway and that she was welcome to join us. I would happily go with her to see my surrogate older brother once my people were armed to the teeth, but then I realized that there was something I wanted her to see. I reached through space and Fleur was shocked to see my True Theft in action, but when I brought out the trinket I’d been planning on showing her, she was even more surprised.

The little thing I had brought out was Sombra’s horn. I’d lost it some time ago due to putting it someplace I didn't think too carefully about, but Fleur was just surprised that I had a corrupted Unicorn’s horn in the first place. When I explained that it was King Sombra’s, the guy who ruled the Crystal Empire with an iron fist, her jaw dropped and she asked how I came across it. I told her the story of reclaiming the Crystal Empire and me stabbing Sombra in the heart with the Warbling Blade and she was absolutely enthralled, so I continued on with the story of what had happened while I’d been on Earth, though I tactfully left out the parts about the formation of the SIAC and Graham.

Fleur mentioned that she’d thrown countless little parties over the years and had missed my presence at all of them. It was rather touching that she brought up the fact that she often thought about me and reread the first two books in the Lover’s Days Trilogy multiple times when she particularly missed me, so I told her about the times I’d thought about her in turn and could list five off of the top of my head. It wasn’t difficult since I actually had missed her, and we just reminisced about the little time we actually had spent together and mused upon the fact that we’d only known each other for such a short time and had such an impact on each others lives.

Before too long, Fleur became tired and had a hard time keeping her eyes open, so I offered her one of my rooms and she gratefully accepted it, though she refused to use any bathroom other than mine in the morning for the simple fact that my bathroom was the one where I kept most of the good stuff. I offered her a glass of wine before bed and she told me that she was fine, though she would rather be sleeping in my bed than alone. I would’ve been open to the idea if I knew that Twilight wouldn’t mind, but I was certain that my fiance wouldn't appreciate me entertaining her wishes for the night, even if my bed was big enough that we didn’t even have to touch each other to sleep in it comfortably. I wouldn’t want Twilight to feel like I was disregarding her wishes, so separate rooms it was.

I went back to my own room and started writing some more of Midnight Stroll and the Stolen Sword. It was an incredibly easy feat that I had no lack of inspiration for, which surprised me since I thought that I’d struggle a bit with coming up for ideas for the story with the new style of writing that I was doing. It was turning out rather good, in my opinion, even if there were a few parts that I thought were weak, but they weren't super pertinent at the moment, so I glossed over them and figured that I could always have Twilight help me hammer out those little issues if I felt like they were becoming too frequent. As it was, I was enjoying myself immensely, building up towards a final battle with a rival in thievery for Midnight that would do the series some justice. This book was turning out rather well, all things said.

I wrote until morning and sent Twilight a little note, asking if she was going to be joining my crew for an early morning run, and if not, then wishing her a good morning for when she woke up. She didn’t reply, so I figured that she was still sleeping, but either way, I made a lot of breakfast stew, though I was going to have to go into town for some more bread. The portions everyone was getting were going to be on the small side, but the stew would make up for it and the cheese would hopefully keep them full for the run. Iron got up before Crimson and Swift, helping me get the table set and generally being a good helper while everyone else was taking their sweet time getting up. At six, Crimson and Swift were up and about, but Nebula was nowhere to be seen, so I got a bite of cheese and went off to wake her up so I could make her sweat before her day even began.

I knocked on the door to her room, and when she didn’t answer, I let myself in because it’s my Goddamn house. She was still sleeping peacefully, so I shouted, “Oi!”

She started from a dead sleep and bolted into an upright position, flinging pillows around the room. “Who!? What!? Fire!?”

“No, none of those things. Get up, Starshine, we got shit to do.”

She groaned. “What time even is it?”

I checked my pocket watch. “Six and four. You’re late for breakfast.”

“Who the buck gets up at this unholy hour!?” She whined.

“It was in the letter. You have five minutes to get dressed and be downstairs.” I warned.

“Give me ten and I’ll be putting a shirt on.”

I looked at my watch again. “Four minutes forty-eight seconds.”

“Ugh!”

I left her room and went back downstairs. Everyone had waited for me to start eating, and true to form, five minutes later, we still hadn't touched our plates because we were waiting on fucking Nebula. I sent Iron to go get her, just in case she was still getting dressed, and when she returned, she told me that Nebula was out cold again and had told her to ‘buck off’. I wasn’t having any of that shit, so I grabbed a fucktonne of ice from the icebox, a bucket from my shed, and filled the bucket with water in two forms until I had plenty of it.

I levitated the bucket with me and looked around the table. “Alright. All of you know that this is going to happen from this day forth.”

Iron eyed the bucket. “...What are you going to do with that?”

“Send a fucking message.” I responded.

Crimson shook his head. “She’s going to kill you.”

I started walking towards the stairs. “Silence, mortal!”

Swift chuckled. “Ah, I remember the ice bucket. Good times.”

I climbed the stairs and headed towards Starshine’s room once more, opening the door wide to find that she was still in bed. I used my Psychokinesis to levitate the bucket over her and dumped all over the upper half of her body. She fucking leapt from her bed and hit the floor, scrabbling like she had been lit on fire or something. Nebula shook her head rapidly as her soaked clothes clung to her and I was pretty sure that she got the point.

“Bucking Tartarus! Was that really necessary!?” Starshine shouted.

“Breakfast. Is. Ready.” I said icily. “The next time you’re late, I’m dropping you in the Everfree and letting you find your own way out.”

“Are you bucking insane!?”

“Yes. I made vegetable stew and it has your name on it. Five minutes, or I’ll be back with more.”

“Fine, I get it! Jeez!” Her teeth chattered.

I levitated the water and ice from her bed and put it back into the bucket with a little difficulty, but at least she wouldn’t have to worry about a wet bed later in the day. When I went back downstairs, Iron was reading, Crimson was styling his mane, and Swift was looking amused up until he saw me. I dumped the water in the sink and put the bucket into the cellar after making sure everyone knew where it would be and sat down while looking at my pocket watch.

Starshine came down four minutes and fifty-two seconds later, still shivering. When she sat down at the table, she gave me a venomous look. “I despise you.”

“Don’t be late to breakfast.” Crimson said disdainfully. “It was in the letter.”

She glared at him. “Whose side are you on?”

Crimson pointed at himself. “I’m the Captain. Next time, I’m the one who’s going to have the honor, but I’m doing it with vinegar instead of water.”

“Expensive, but worthy.” I commented idly.

Starshine shot Swift a glare when he chuckled. “What? You’ll dry off.”

She muttered some mean things about the three of us for a few moments before saying, “So I’m here. What now?”

“Breakfast.” Iron answered curtly, digging into her stew. Her eyebrows raised and she took another bite. “This is a lot better than what they serve at the Barracks.”

“I know, right? Max and Crimson can actually cook, and they’re damn good at it.” Swift complimented.

Crimson and I nodded our heads. “Crimson’s better than me, but thanks for the compliment.”

Starshine sighed. “The best thing about stallions who cook is not having to do it yourself.”

I rolled my eyes. “I have to. Twilight isn’t allowed to cook.”

Crimson shrugged. “I’m a bachelor with high standards.”

Iron nodded. “I like a stallion who can cook. It saves me the trouble of making the same three things over and over again. It’s not like I mind pancakes for breakfast, vegetable soup for lunch, and salad for dinner, but it gets monotonous after awhile.”

Swift grumbled under his breath, but I ignored him. “In fairness, the only things I know how to make either involve eggs or frying things until they aren’t raw anymore.”

Crimson shook his head. “Your stir-fry is actually pretty good. I think it’s the fact that you’re not afraid to experiment.”

I shrugged. “Getting weird is fun. That’s why half of you are sitting at this table.”

My team looked around and Starshine raised a hand. “Alright, I know I’m weird, but who else is weird?”

I continued eating.

Iron rubbed her face. “I mean, I don’t think I’ve done anything weird around Max besides the time I put bread on my nose to see if I could balance it, but that was just the one time at breakfast when Max was still training with The Guard.”

Crimson shrugged. “He could be talking about me. Being homosexual is considered weird by some ponies.”

Iron shook her head. “I don’t think Max is that kind of pony.”

Swift raised a hand. “He might be talking about me. I mean, we did have a fight the first time we met, and you saw what happens when I cook.”

Crimson blanched. “Fair enough.”

I nodded. “Shit’s unnatural.”

“What happened?” Iron and Starshine chorused.

“Macaroni turned purple and poisonous.” I said, shaking my head. “It was absolutely mind boggling.”

Starshine looked interested. “Do… Do you think you could show me? Later, of course, but I’m really curious.”

Swift sighed. “If Max doesn’t mind wasting some food and another bowl or something, we can.”

I nodded. “Feel free, just don’t make a habit of destroying my kitchenware for experiments.”

“Will do, boss.” Swift replied.

Starshine smiled and we stopped talking so we could all get finished up with breakfast. It didn’t take long, but Starshine didn’t eat that much of her cheese, so I took the rest of it since I always have room and when we got up and prepared for our run, she warned everyone that she wasn’t going to be able to make the whole thing with us since she was pretty out of shape due to the fact that she spent most of her days in her lab or reading. It was fine, though I asked her to give it her best anyway and she promised that she would for as long as she could, but when we got out and started our run, she did pretty alright. She made a full circuit before needing to stop to get her breath back, and with some encouragement from Crimson, Swift, Iron, and myself, she was up and ready to go. She made it most of the way into another circuit before needing another break. We ran in place to keep our blood flowing while she was panting, but when she recovered once more, we kept going after making sure that she wasn’t just trying to push herself too hard.

I liked the bonding that running was doing for us so far, though I think Starshine felt a bit out of place since she kept having to take breaks. I doubt that being the last to arrive helped her case very much, but she was still a valued part of the group, and I was going to do my damndest to make sure she knew it. When we passed Twilight’s house, I stopped by and snuck in through her balcony to give her a good morning kiss since I could hear that her heartbeat was upstairs in her room. She’d been getting more and more fond of sleeping in, so I was trying to keep her on schedule, but I mostly just wanted a kiss.

After teleporting myself to catch up with my group, I got off of Crimson since I’d fallen on him and helped him to his feet. He punched me for falling on him yet again and the group got a chuckle out of that, but the important bit was that we needed to get back to the house before Fleur and Noir were left alone together, so I was pressing us to hurry it up a little bit when we found ourselves in view of my house. When we got there, Noir was standing in the kitchen, casually eating some vegetable stew and asked us how our run had gone. I told her that it had been pretty good and that Starshine and Iron were doing a good job of keeping up, though Starshine debated that since she needed so many breaks. I waved her worries aside and told her that she would get back into the swing of things soon enough, but Noir just told her that I wouldn’t have said she’d done well if she hadn't tried at all. Nebula took the compliment because she didn’t know how else to take it and we left it at that.

Once we’d all gotten a shower, I realized that the ladies were on the top floor and that the gentlemen had taken the bottom. It was odd, but I suppose it worked out just fine, though I warned everyone about leaving anything other than soap and other bathroom essentials in the loos since we had other people using them. I invited them to keep their rooms however they wanted, to decorate however they pleased, but keep the bathrooms nice and tidy. It quickly became a new house rule, and we went over them in a mini house meeting just to keep things clear. Starshine went upstairs to set her alarm clock and Crimson asked if he could read my copy of A Single Breath. I told him that he was not, in fact, allowed to touch that book, and he asked why. I told him that it was because that was the first book that I’d ever had published and that it was the first book that had been bound, straight off the press. I had another copy in the bookcase in my sun room that he was allowed to touch and look through along with the other two books in the series, but the books in my study that were under my alias were off limits to everyone. Pretty much everything else was fair game, however.

Crimson collected A Single Breath from the sun room and Swift picked up a bestiary since I’d mentioned that we might be doing some fighting in the Everfree as a part of our training. Iron asked if she could head into town, but I told her that she would have to do it tomorrow during the weekend when we weren’t slated to have some business taken care of and Noir explained that we had to go have weapons collected and made, as well as have Iron’s measurements taken for her uniform. Everyone else had tried their own suits on and they fit rather well, so now we just needed to get Iron taken care of and that would be that.

Fleur eventually got her arse out of bed, and even with a bit of bed head, she still looked damn good. She wasn’t wearing makeup, but the natural look suited her, and if the furtive glances she got from Swift were anything to go by, he and I shared the same opinion. She told me that she would be ready within the hour, so I pretended to write it down and said I would hold her to it and she hit me lightly, saying that I knew what ‘mares’ meant when they gave timeframes. I knew exactly what she was talking about, so I penciled her in for two hours and she gave me a thumbs up before waving at everyone else in the in the room She introduced herself briefly, but when she laid eyes on Crimson, she stopped talking and started flirting, and much to my surprise, he flirted back.

She took a quick break from him and went around, shaking hands with everyone in the room. Starshine gave her clipped responses since she knew there was something between her and Crimson. Iron and Swift were nice, though Swift tried to sneak in a few flirtations and was shut down pretty clearly, which made me shake my head since the guy wasn’t exactly bad looking. Fleur skipped Noir entirely and sat next to Crimson for a moment and started talking to him, identifying him as an Operative right away. He’d seen the same thing in her and they really hit it off from there and I could practically taste the salt coming off of Starshine in droves.

I reminded Fleur that we had to get to Canterlot sometime in the day and she excused herself from her conversation with Crimson. Once she was out of the room, Starshine said, “I don’t like her.”

I rolled my eyes. “What? No, we couldn’t tell.”

Swift sighed. “Why do the hottest mares always go for the pretty colts?”

Crimson shrugged. “Put more effort into your appearance and they appreciate that. Your mane looks like you purposefully mussed it up after you got out of the shower and your coat could use some love, to be honest with you. You’re not ugly or anything, so you’ve got that going for you.”

Swift gave him a look. “Thanks a tonne, buddy.”

Crimson looked at him coolly. “If you want to get more mares, you’ve got to shine. I’ve just always been anal about my appearance.”

I cracked up and Noir hit me. “That was not funny, Maximus.”

“It fucking was and you know it.” I grinned.

Crimson rolled his eyes. “Noir, am I a pretty colt?”

“Yes.” She answered flatly.

“Do you want to sleep with me?” He asked.

“No.”

He spread his hands and looked at Swift. “Maybe it’s just he mares you’re interested in. I’m pretty sure Noir only has eyes for Max and Fleur must like pretty colts.”

“Or she likes the dashing rogue thing. Maybe bulky dudes just aren’t her thing.” I chimed in. “I really doubt you have problems picking up chicks, Swift.”

He turned to me and cocked his head. “I’ve never even seen a chicken, let alone a chick.”

I rolled my eyes. “Chick means girl, mate.”

“Oh. Yeah, I don’t have too many problems, but I just don’t attract the looks I used to in Ponyville like I did in Canterlot.” He sighed.

Iron blushed and said nothing, something I took note of, but didn’t say anything about. Noir and I exchanged a knowing look. “I’m not going to say anything.”

She shook her head. “Neither am I. Some men just don’t pay attention like they should.”

Swift looked at us. “Huh? What are you talking about?”

“Nothing.” We replied in unison, both sounding bored.

He pursed his lips to the side and looked back at Crimson. “So what should I do to make my coat shinier or whatever? I thought my shampoo was doing just fine until now.”

Crimson shook his head. “I’ve seen your brand. It’s for colts, bud, not stallions.”

Crimson went on to explain some really boring shit that was terribly, terribly uninteresting, so I talked to Noir and Iron started talking to Starshine, though I think we were all just trying to fill the time until Fleur was ready to go to Canterlot. Damn civilians and their bullshit. Twilight wrote me back a note telling me that she was sorry she’d missed the morning run and asked me to start picking her up when they got to her part of town. I wrote her back that I would request we make a stop for her and told her that I was heading to Canterlot to get some stuff done and to visit Fleur and Fancy for a little bit, though when her reply came, I’d been expecting it to be a bit shorter or more cold. It was actually just pretty normal, all things considered, so I let it go and talked to Noir about it and she said that she couldn’t see anything wrong with Twilight’s choice of diction or phrasing, thus we let it be.

Fleur was ready about an hour and a half later, however, that was only because she didn’t have to apply makeup before coming downstairs. She was wearing one of Roxy’s longer skirts and a nice formal blouse to go along with it and apologized for assuming that she could borrow some of my things, but I told her that it was fine since I didn’t bother turning into Roxy terribly often these days anyway. I received a few stares when Fleur mentioned that the female clothing was actually mine until I explained that Twilight turned me into a girl for slumber parties and shopping and the like, which got me some even stranger looks, so I had to explain that whole story and that took some time out of our schedule.

When I finished, I’d been laughed at more than a few times and Noir just smiled, saying that she could turn me into a girl if everyone wanted to see. Swift, Iron, and Starshine were all terribly interested, and against my wishes, Noir turned me into Roxy for them. I had to catch my trousers and my pants before they fell off, and when I looked up, Iron and Swift were openly staring at me while Starshine was just blinking rapidly.

“Fucking what?” I asked irritably.

“...Don't change him back.” Iron said softly.

I rolled my eyes. “Please change me back. I don’t wanna have to go change.”

Noir shrugged. “Sorry, but I do not believe I speak Equuish at this moment.”

Crimson gave me an appraising look. “You know, you’re actually not half bad.”

“Thanks, Twinkie. I appreciate that immensely.” I said sarcastically.

“No, I agree with Crimson. You’re actually kinda pretty. Like, really pretty.” Swift added.

I curled my lip. “I’ll geld both of you.”

Swift shut up and Crimson looked away.

Starshine smiled shyly. “Wow…”

I gave her a look. “Please stop.”

Noir patted my back. “You may as well go change now.”

I made a noise of disdain and cursed her with every slur I knew, and a few that I’d learned from Briar Rose. When I came back down, I was wearing a black blouse and some jeans because fuck wearing skirts. The Warbling Blade still sat on my hip, and I’d had to trade my lockpicks over to the boots I’d had made for Roxy, but Noir didn’t approve of my outfit and told me to come back with a skirt. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be going anywhere, so I hit her with my tentacle and told her to quit fucking around, but the black look she gave me made my now metaphorical bollocks shrivel and hide deep within.

After changing again, I returned in a navy blue skirt that thankfully had belt loops, though I kept the blouse on. I found out that I could ‘steal’ the hair from my legs by thinking of it as a collective entity, so I just stole the ability to grow hair on my legs while I was at it because why not? When I came back the second time, I was done changing for the day and was tired of Noir’s shit, but she just smiled and told me that I looked much better. With that bullshit out of the fucking way, Noir Shadow Dived us all to Canterlot and we went to Letrotski’s shop to get Iron’s measurements done. Starshine’s shit was already done, so Noir teleported that back home for her, so we didn’t have to spend that much time there. However, Letrotski tried to insist that I wear some of his outfits for him until I threatened to gut him and leave his mangled corpse hanging from a flagpole with his entrails wrapped around his neck and his cock and balls shoved in his mouth.

Did I mention that I was in a shitty mood?

Starshine tried to cheer me up (and flirt with me) by saying that I was very pretty and looked rather nice, but I ignored the fuck out of her. Iron said that I should give being a woman a shot more often since I was so attractive. I told her to shove it and Swift took her place, though he didn’t actually flirt with me. His tactic to get me into a better mood actually worked a little since we basically talked about what he would look like as a female and I mentioned that I’d be afraid to go down on him because of those coconut crushing thighs of his. Crimson idly said that he would go straight for me, if only for a night and I hit him in the dick, which shut him up.

Noir niggled and nagged at me about being pretty and said that I should start wearing my Roxy suit more often, but then I used my True Theft to steal her voice because it suddenly occurred to me and that made my day so much brighter. She could still nag at me telepathically, but I threatened to lose her voice on purpose if she didn’t stop fucking with me and never bother to find it for her again and she promised to stop torturing me since I had more leverage on her.

We eventually got to Coffee’s shop and I was still feeling rather irritable, so I figured dealing with Coffee was going to suck. However, when she saw her sister, their jaws dropped and they approached each other slowly. “Cream?” Starshine asked softly.

“Nebula?” Coffee replied.

They met in the middle of the shop and hugged each other fiercely. “It’s been so long! I’m so sorry I never visit, but you know what the Operative life is like! How have you been?” Starshine babbled rapidly.

Coffee gripped her tightly. “I’m good, sis. It’s good to see you. It’s been what? Five, six years?”

They let each other go and Starshine smiled sadly. “Yeah… It’s been way too long. I didn’t know you still had this shop, and I most certainly didn’t know that you made weapons now!”

Coffee scoffed. “Special requests from special clients only. I don’t put up with the common rabble asking for showpieces, you know. The only things I make are things that will be used, and I’ll be damned if I start making useless baubles again.”

I wanted to chime in, but it seemed like a bad time. “So business first and then personal stuff?” Starshine asked.

Coffee smirked. “Just like Dad always said. What do you and your friends need- Hold up. Tall, dark, and sexy is back, and so is Crimson ass-eater. Where’s the Prince?”

I raised my hand. “Oi.”

Coffee stared at me. “Oi? Is that supposed to mean something?”

“Not really. Just don’t think about it too hard and wear yourself out, yeah?” I replied.

“Ooh, for a cutie, you sure are sarcastic. I like that.” Coffee shot me a half-lidded smile.

Crimson disguised a laugh with a cough and Noir just smiled. “You’ll like it a lot less when I shove my foot where the Sun don’t shine. We’re here for our sharp shit and to get a thing that isn’t sharp.”

Coffee raised a brow and glanced at Starshine for a moment. “You know, I like your friend. If she’s this feisty in a conversation, just think how she’ll be in bed.” She smirked at me.

“The first thing I do with my Kopis is going to be chopping your tail off.” I said flatly.

Coffee blinked. “What?”

Crimson chuckled and Noir shook her head. “Coffee, this woman is Maximus. The Prince.”

I flipped her the two finger salute. “Wotcher.”

Coffee groaned. “You couldn’t have said that before I started trying to get between her legs? Great, now I feel gross!”

Starshine coughed. “She is rather pretty, isn’t she?”

Coffee gave me a look. “Not when that she has a dick.”

I rolled my eyes. “I don’t have a dick right now.”

“Interest rising.” Coffee said quickly.

I rolled my eyes the other way. “What happened to business first?”

She sighed. “Fine. I’ll got get your shit. Come on, Star.”

She and Starshine disappeared into the back of the shop and returned with our shit. Noir received her Seax first, and it was quite the lovely piece. She put her Seal on it after concentrating for a minute on what she wanted it to do and when it was emblazoned onto the steel, it looked quite nice. I received my Kopis next, and the thing was absolutely perfect, just as I’d hoped. It was around the length of my arm and had a lovely curve to it that I appreciated, hoping that it would be good for chopping. I loaded my Seal with a few enchantments, though it took some time because I had two things I wanted to do with it. I added ‘Edge’ and ‘Sturdy’ to it so it would hold up, and when Crimson brought his longsword over, I added the same enchantments to it.

We got everyone else’s requests out in the open and Coffee got them written down. Shortly after, I removed my group from her shop save for Starshine and asked if anyone had business in Canterlot. No one had anything they wanted to do, so I asked Noir if she would mind taking Swift and Iron back home. I bid them farewell and thus Fleur, Crimson, and I alighted to her house via teleportation.. She was stunned by the sight of my teleportation and I told her that it was rather disconcerting to see the world through a pinprick when it was all over. She asked what I meant and I told her to wait. After a few moments or minutes of silence, we zoomed through the opposite end of the dimension and she understood what I meant. It was fucking weird as always, and when we got to her parlour, she held onto me for awhile longer before letting go and telling me that it had to be one of the most incredible experiences of her life. I knew it was going to be, but I’m just amazing like that. I had to drag Crimson through the dimensions shortly after since I could only bring one person at a time, but at least it wasn't a difficult or time consuming thing. Apparently, if I don't go with someone, they skip the whole other dimension thing entirely, which is interesting.

Fleur and I went around her house and looked for Fancy, though we eventually found him in his study. Fleur entered first and apologized for being out all night, but Fancy wasn’t exactly upset about that, he was just irritated that she hadn't let him know beforehand. She did, however, have something that would make it up to him waiting behind the door, and when Fancy asked what it was, Fleur played coy for a few moments and asked if he would really forgive her if it was a good surprise. He promised that he would consider it and she opened the door. I was leaning on the wall outside, eating an apple because it made me look like more of an arsehole and Crimson just looked a bit bored with the ordeal. I stole the apple from my house, so don’t you fucking look at me like that, you fuck.

I shooed Fleur back in through the door and walked in, greeting my surrogate older brother with a smirk. “Wotcher, Fancy. Heard you’ve been kicking arse and taking names in my stead.”

He smiled. “If it isn’t my favourite Human! Maximus, Ol’ Chap, it’s very good to see you! Well, I should say Roxy, but you know.”

“The feeling’s mutual, my friend.” I walked over to him and shook his hand over his desk. “Thanks for taking care of Night Light while my hands were tied. I wasn’t allowed to do anything about him at the time.”

Fancy nodded. “I assume Twilight barred you from putting Night Light in his proper place?”

I nodded. “She made me promise that I wouldn’t retaliate against her father when I went to go train under him, so I asked her to marry me. I figured it was a fair enough trade since I tend to be so difficult.”

Fancy smiled more brightly. “Ah, I heard that you two were engaged now. How has she been the past couple of months?”

“She’s been fine, I suppose, but the whole becoming royalty thing has been a bit of a strain on us to be honest with you. We’ve been making it through, but you know how things go when everything starts changing too suddenly.”

He nodded sagely. “I do. So are you going to introduce your friend, or am I going to have to get up and meet him for myself?”

I chuckled. “Crimson! Come on in, mate!”

I heard him walk in and he came to join me by my side. “Crimson tide, sir. It’s an honor to meet you.”

Fancy shook his hand and raised his brows. “I’ve heard some interesting whispers about you, if you are who you say you are. You’re supposed to be one of the best Operatives that we’ve ever had.”

Crimson nodded. “Trained by Daisy Carnival himself. If the rumors about you are true, then you were one of the best Guard Captains we ever had.”

Fancy stroked his mustache. “I was a Captain, and that’s about as good as it got. The damn job is ninety percent paperwork anyway.”

Crimson cracked a smile. “I’ve heard it has its perks and its quirks, but I’m sure that having some sway with the Princesses is a pretty big boon.”

“It could be worse, but you never know. Not to be rude, but may I ask why you’ve accompanied Max and Fleur into our humble abode?”

Crimson’s eyes widened by a fraction. “I was under the impression that I was welcome. I meant no offense-”

“None taken, my boy! I’m sure you’re here for Fleur more so than you are for me,” He passed his wife a knowing smile, “so if you two would like to hold your ‘Book Club’ meeting elsewhere, I wouldn’t mind a little time to catch up with dear Maximus- Er, Roxy. After all, we’ll most likely bore you with our topics soon enough anyway.”

My Captain cast a furtive glance toward Fleur and she winked at him. “...Okay?”

Fleur came over and grabbed his arm. “Come now, Crimson! We have much to talk about.”

Crimson let her lead him out of the room after giving me a confused look, so I just gave him a slight nod and turned back to Fancy. “Fleur might make him straight.” I said casually.

Fancy’s brows raised. “Oh? Is our friend Crimson a confirmed bachelor?”

“He was when I met him, and he said that the last woman he was with turned him gay, so make of that what you will.” I shrugged. “I have the one I want and she either isn’t interested, or she doesn’t like him like she likes me. I’m not exactly worried about competition.”

“A pretty young mare such as yourself shouldn’t have too many issues attracting the fillies after all.” Fancy fingered his pipe.

I looked down at my chest. “Oh yeah. I thought a felt a draft around the legs, but I kinda forgot about being Roxy to be honest with you.” I spun around because why not. “God that was fucking stupid.”

Fancy shook his head. “You’re a strange mare at the best of times. Have a seat! Please, I don’t believe I see your pipe on you, but I’ll be happy to share mine.”

I looked at him, reached through space, and grabbed my pipe while never breaking eye contact. “I got a little more powerful since we last saw each other.”

After having a seat, Fancy and I talked a little about just how powerful I’d gotten and I explained to him that I couldn’t really go into detail about it unless he was a member of the Royal Family or a member of my team and he understood that well enough. We eventually started talking about the introduction of myself into the Royal Family and how I felt about that, and I told him that I honestly didn’t want to be a part of it in any way shape or form. I didn’t trust myself with having too much power since I knew that it could easily corrupt me if I wasn’t careful, but Fancy said that exact thing was a reason why I’d make a good Prince. He’d known a couple and they’d all let their station go to their heads, but he doubted that I would do anything of the sort or become some kind of overly stringent arse like Shining due to my new responsibilities.

After we exhausted that topic, we moved on to the fight between him and Night Light and Fancy actually wasn’t terribly proud of it. We’d talked about it a little bit earlier, but when he mentioned that he’d gone overboard and had come far too close to putting him in the hospital for comfort, I understood his reluctance to talk about it in depth. Instead, we followed up with some of the stuff we had been doing since we’d last seen each other and I told Fancy about my trip to Earth, my time in the Everfree, and the trip to the Crystal Empire.

He didn’t have stories that could really match up to mine, but he too had visited the Crystal Empire and had a few interesting things go on in his life while I was away, like having seen the former Prince Blueballs working as a barista for a few days. Apparently he got fired soon after Fancy saw him for an inability to take orders correctly, and that made me laugh and feel a little sorry for the guy. Not that sorry, mind you, but it just reinforced my ideals that most nobles were useless outside of power struggles and the like due to the nature of their upbringing. Then again, I don’t know how hard it is to write down a particularly difficult order of coffee, so there’s always that.

We moved on to talk about our spouses and Fancy mentioned that Fleur was growing increasingly restless and had even take a break from retirement to do a job for Celestia to put some thrill back into her life. Apparently half-arsed sex just wasn’t cutting it these days and Fancy wasn’t the one who could give her the good dick like she wanted, so he was hoping that Crimson might be able to sate her, even if only for a few hours. I’d only ever heard good things about the guy, so I asked Fancy if he wanted to head to the his usual place and pick up some smokeables so I wouldn’t get too high smoking on my stash and he agreed, so we took a quick walk.

Unfortunately, a lot of people like Fancy and no one recognized me, so we were stopped a few times by sycophants that were looking to cozy up to him since he still had status, even after being arrested for laying Night Light out. He dealt with them much more politely than I would have, but then again, I’d have to get used to dealing with them in time, so I just sat and listened to how he worded things until someone asked me a question or spoke to me directly. Even then, I just snapped my fingers and went into Prince Mode, or rather, ‘Princess’ Mode and handled them accordingly.

After too many stops and far too much talking, we got to Fancy’s usual place and I ordered my special blend since my last batch had gone bad, and when I got it, Fancy wanted to take me to this nice little club he was fond of, so off we went to enjoy some daytime nonsense in a club that seemed to be chock full of stuffy old pricks. I felt out of place since I was one of three women in the joint, and since I was apparently the most attractive one there, I got hit on by some old creeps that I had to gently deny every time they offered to hook me up with either their child or grandchild.

Either way, I just flashed them my ring and told them that I was already promised to someone else, but that opened up the door as to why I was wearing a man’s ring when I was female. My story was that my lover had wanted to give me something from his own personal collection instead and that I’d loved the idea much more than just having something made or picking something out in a store since it seemed so much more personal, but there was one astute fellow who recognized my ring as my Signet Ring and asked if I was betrothed to an unknown Prince.

Plan B involved saying that the ring was an heirloom, passed down by a former Prince that had given up his titles shortly after Luna had been taken from power, but the main thing I was curious about was how the fuckers didn’t realize I wasn’t a Pony. I guess that as a woman, I have some Equine features. In other words, I’m Sarah Jessica Parker, but shorter and with a smaller face. In any case, word quickly spread that I was off the market until some ‘dashing’ fellow tried to whisk me off my feet and received a broken face for his troubles. I didn’t throw any kicks since I was wearing a skirt, but Fancy ended up pulling me off of the guy before I could have a serious case on my hands. In my defense, the guy had palmed my arse while trying to pick me up and I’d started off with a fierce backhand that should’ve been the end of it, but he just grinned and tried to put his hands on me again, so I laid into him to get my point across.

Fancy escorted me from the establishment after scolding the fellow I’d beaten up for laying unwanted hands on a ‘mare’ he’d had no claim to and he made me apologize for giving the fellow a black eye or two, but I followed that up with a warning against him touching my bum ever again unless he wanted to come up with a terminal case of throat-punching. When that little catastrophe was over, Fancy asked why I’d been so quick to wipe the look off of that fuckers face and I let him know that the only person that was allowed to try and sneak up behind me and touch me like that was Twilight. Noir didn’t and doesn’t touch my arse, Uror doesn’t, Celestia didn't unless she had spoken permission, and practically no one else ever did it in the first place, so it’s not like it was ever much of an issue.

We walked through the streets and there was another fellow who knew Fancy that started hitting on me, and even after I shut him down, he was persistent that I go on a date with him. Fancy told him that I was only interested in ‘mares’, but the dumbass maintained that I hadn't had a real ‘stallion’ or the right one, so I lifted the corner of my blouse a bit and showed him the Warbling Blade before telling him to fuck off. He tried to take it from me, stating that ‘a pretty mare’ such as myself shouldn't be carrying around such a dangerous thing and I told him that I was an Operative and that I had no time for his stupidity. He mentioned that he liked dangerous ‘mares’ and that he could keep the stupidity to the minimum, but Fancy urged me not to knock this fellow out as well, so I went to walk away from him. He caught my arm as I tried to leave and I paused and looked at his hand and up to his face before asking if he really wanted to make today his last day on Equus.

He let go.

The rest of our walk passed uneventfully, though there was a woman or two that stopped me to compliment my outfit on its simple-yet-cute design and I thanked them for their time, but when they tried to press their luck, I told them that I was taken and only one of them had a problem with that. She got a little pushy until Fancy mentioned that he would happily let her friends know that she’d been trying to pursue an engaged ‘mare’, even after being told that the relationship was happy and without much trouble. The woman left me alone after that, but that made me ask Fancy why so many people were trying to fuck me today and he just chuckled and told me that the summer estrus made some people go a little crazy or get a little desperate if they didn’t get action in the spring.

When we got back to Fancy’s place, we sat outside and had ourselves a smoke and he had one of his servants bring out some bourbon for us since he was just as fond of it as I was. He sipped our drinks and talked some more about people and their general craziness as well as some of the things we hadn't covered about our lovers. I told him that Twilight and I had fought about whether or not to give Spike meat and Fancy was rather surprised that it had been an issue at all since he was rather certain that Dragons needed meat to survive. He’d been assuming that Twilight was giving Spike all he needed up until I told him that she’d argued with me about giving him some of this weird goat thing I’d gotten from the Everfree.

Fancy had actually consumed meat before and hadn't found it to his liking when he’d visited the Gryphon lands, but I encouraged him to try some of my leftover Alligator jerky. He still wasn’t fond, but he said that it was better than most, so I just ate what he didn’t because it was still fucking delicious and I loved the flavour like it was the last thing I would ever get to eat. Crimson and Fleur joined us shortly after and my Captain just had this mildly stunned look on his face like he couldn’t really believe what the past few hours had held for him. I wondered what position Fleur had shown him that blew his mind, but then again, I kind of wanted a turn with her since I could tell from her body language that she’d had to stop based on Crimson’s stamina. Still, I’m currently rather sure that they’ll be making each other’s acquaintance again soon enough, and from the look on Fleur’s face, it’s not like she was disappointed.

Crimson and I left about half an hour after they joined Fancy and myself, so I passed out a couple of hugs and bid them farewell. Crimson got a hug from Fleur and a handshake along with a whispered word from Fancy that he simply nodded in reply to. With that, Crimson and I went back to the Artisan District to go find Starshine, and when we got to her sister’s shop, I could hear them talking about nothing in particular in the back, so I rang the bell and they came out quickly enough for me to not get impatient. Starshine had mostly just been excited to see her sister and vice versa, and they were sad to see their time come to an end. However, I offered them the weekend to themselves and they took it before heading back into Coffee’s shop to do some more talking, I guess. For all I know, they could’ve been doing some twincest.

Crimson and I teleported back to my house, and when we arrived, he told me that we needed to have a word in private, so I lead him into the parlour and we had a seat. “Max. Roxy. Whatever you want to be called. How does she bend like that!?” He asked.

I raised a brow. “We’re talking about Fleur, right?”

He nodded twice. “We are. That mare is beyond what a pony should be able to do in bed. She’s a mare beyond all reason, and I know she came more than twice, but she’s insatiable!” His voice shook a little.

“That’s just how she is. I never had too many problems with her, but I can see where someone without my stamina might have some issues.”

“... You actually had her satisfied?” He asked in hushed tones.

“You can’t satisfy Fleur, mate. That’s lesson number one. No matter how big you are or how long you can keep going, she’s always hungry for more sex and affection. I used to be able to give her enough of both, but when Twilight became the only woman in my life, we had to end things and I rather doubt that she found someone better than me. I think you’re coming close, but I believe you’re scared of her.”

“She did the splits on me and rode.” Crimson whispered.

I shrugged. “She put her legs behind her arms and let me have as much as I wanted. Fleur’s fun. Keep that in mind if you decide to go see her again-”

“If? I’m doing better next time, now that I’ve had a chance to see what and where she likes it. This mare is either going to be the death of me or the start of something new. I rather hope Fancy doesn't mind me giving her some ‘affection’,” He threw up some air quotes, “from time to time.”

“Did he say that he doesn’t like you?” I asked.

“No, he told me to take care of her.”

“Then you have his blessing to nail his wife whenever you’re in town. So does this mean you’re going back to bisexual?”

“Definitely. Stallion’s are nice and all, but I think mares have their perks too. I wouldn’t mind a crack at Fancy, but he doesn’t strike me as the type.” Crimson sighed. “It’s a shame. I’d love to peg that stallion until he can’t walk anymore.”

“He’s a pitcher not a catcher, if I’ve heard correctly.” I commented casually, inspecting my nails. I found a little dirt and cleaned it out.

Crimson silently stared at me. “What?” I asked.

“... You mean I could have them both?” He asked.

“Yeah, probably.”

“Today just got even better. I’m writing them a note and asking for a threesome.” Crimson got up and left, leaving me in a room with a billiards table and no one to play against.

Noir rectified that soon enough, and when she had a seat next to me, I felt like something was up. “Alright, so what’s the deal? I’m sure you’re not here to get your arse handed to you in pool.”

“You would be correct. Maximus, I must leave soon after the Equestria Games tomorrow.” Noir said solemnly.

I sighed. “Well fuck. I don’t want you to go.”

She reached over and held my hand. “If it helps at all, we will still be able to talk through telepathy and the fragment of my soul that is left within you. Meditate tonight and I will be in your mind along with you. Say the word and I will be there.”

I brushed my thumb along her knuckles. “It just sucks that we finally got you into your physical body and we can’t even be together all that long. I know you’re too valuable to just have you sit in my house and babysit slash torture me all day, but having you around is so priceless to me.”

We fell silent for a few moments until Noir said, “I will never truly leave you, Maximus. You know that.”

I gave her a sidelong glance. “You’re supposed to call me Roxy while I’m female., you know.”

She rolled her eyes. “Yes, Roxanne, I know this. However, what I still maintain that I will never willingly leave your side, and when the day comes for us to fight together, know that I will be causing mayhem by your side.”

I cracked a smile. “I might be causing more mayhem than yourself, you know. I have Magic that would allow me to be a savage on the battlefield if I just started stealing Magic from all of our magical combatants and the knowledge of how to use those powers.”

Noir raised her brows. “Steal the Magic at the core of its strength and I’m sure you will become more powerful with Unicorn Magic than Celestia or Luna, if you consume enough opponents that is.”

I sighed. “Hell, if I could just use Twilight and Cadance’s, I’m sure I could do all sorts of damage across the board. However, that’s more along the lines of your job, isn’t it?”

“It is. I happily welcome you to learn and grow at your own pace, however. If you choose to start stealing magic from those you deem unworthy…” Her eyes shot open. “Wait, do you still have Sombra’s horn?”

I caught on quickly enough and grabbed it with my True Theft. “Wanna go test our theory?”

Noir grinned darkly and Shadow Dived us behind my shed after a moment. We came out and I tried reaching into Sombra’s horn and feeling around for something, though the sensation was an odd one. It was like my hand was gliding through grains of sand or something, but nevertheless, I found a ball within it and plucked it from the horn. I put the horn in my pocket and gripped the black, electrified ball hard in my right hand until it collapsed in on itself and my right hand took on a similar color scheme to that of Sombra’s horn. It was definitely interesting to say the least, but I just needed to figure out how to use the new magic now.

On a whim, I flung my hand outward toward my yard, and when it came to a stop, dark grey crystals erupted from the ground in a starburst fashion. With my hand open, I turned it palm up and made the crystals grow a bit more, and when I switched so that my palm faced downwards, the crystals sank into the ground. I figured I might try closing my hand, and when I did, the crystals shattered into thousands upon thousands of pieces, but I wasn’t done quite yet. I needed to get a bit closer, but with Noir hanging back near the shed, I approached the shards littering my lawn and picked them up with my Telekinesis. When I got them all airborne, I started swirling them around me in a loose circle, the fading sunlight glinting off of the shards as they spun, casting a disco ball effect all around me until I broke the circle and used my Telekinesis to guide the shards as a torrent in my ten or so meter range.

They were moving pretty quickly with my mind alone, but when I added my hands to help me visualize and feel for the speed at which they were moving, they got faster and the torrent became more lethal. I whipped the fragments back into a circle and got them spinning faster and faster before launching them forward in a stream as fast as I could push them. I faltered a bit on the release, but the aim was true and my torrent of shards headed toward the forest like it was a river of sharp bullshit. It was a beautiful sight, and even from a good distance away, I could hear the crystals slamming into trees and ringing as they bounced off of each other. It was a wonderful cacophony of violence, and when I had Noir come with me to check out the damage, we were shocked.

Crystals littered just about every tree in the vicinity one way or the other, and they were all looking like they would fucking hurt if you were unlucky enough to get hit by even one of them. Luckily, no one and nothing had been hurt, but it was impressive all the same, and I could feel Sombra’s power trying to settle in next to my True Theft, but Noir warned me that it might have a corrupting influence if I kept it around, so I took Sombra’s horn into my work shed and drilled a hole through it with an auger that I’d been planning to use some other time. I’d actually been meaning to use it in the time I’ve been using to fill out this journal entry, but I guess I could stop writing after this, go to the Equestria Games, and pick up after that when Noir leaves. Either way, I drilled a hole through Sombra’s horn and threaded some soft string through it, making it into a necklace that I could wear and abuse as I saw fit. I’m pretty sure it’s a catalyst of some sort, or maybe Unicorn horns are just magical, but either way, I had it now and it was a little on the big side to be worn as a necklace, so I tied it to the Warbling Blade’s sheath, just in case I ever needed it for something or other. It seemed like a good place to keep it for the time being to me.

Noir complimented me on successfully stealing something that would most likely bring down waves of enemies at the time and I thanked her for the suggestion, though I had no clue as to how I knew how to use Sombra’s power. I guess it might have been because the knowledge was tied to the power after Sombra’s death, meaning that I was going to have to kill and de-horn a Unicorn if I wanted their power and not bother to learn how to use it. Noir suggested I write a letter to Celestia and see if she had any Unicorn prisoners that she didn’t want having certain powers, so I did and Celestia asked what the fuck was wrong with me, even without having told her about murdering Ponies for their horns. Their tasty, tasty horns. I told her that I’d stolen Sombra’s Magic (or at least a part of it) from him through that method and she told me that doing something of the sort was ‘bucking insane’ and that she wouldn’t allow me to rip Magic from her precious little Ponies, even if they’d done something like murder someone else. I thought it was a little unfair since I could use their Magic more than they could, but I guess I understood.

I was tempted to go behind her back and ask Luna since I was pretty sure that she would let me do it, but I wasn’t trying to start shit, so I wrote Twilight a note and asked if she wanted to see me tonight and she said that I was welcome to come to her house if I didn’t mind staying for a sleepover. That was out of the question since Rarity and Applejack still didn’t like me, so I told her that I was probably going to head somewhere exotic or something and she asked where I was going to go. I told her Gryphonia because I felt like it and when she replied and told me to be careful, I asked if she would mind coming to my house to change me back into a dude and she was there instantly, but before we could get up to my room to get the thing done, Twilight wanted a few kisses in the living room and I could feel Iron and Swift looking at us. Iron gave off a vibe of mild envy, though I don’t know what it was directed toward and Swift was just enjoying two attractive women making out in front of him. Crimson spared us a glance, if my guess is correct, and went back to reading A Single Moment.

I eventually made Twilight stop so we could go upstairs, but she just babbled on about how great it was to be taller than me until I reached under her skirt and grabbed her arse, looking her dead in the eyes. Twilight blushed brightly and did the same thing to me, making me go up on my tiptoes for some odd reason that I’m not really aware of. We did some more kissing on different sets of lips before Twilight actually changed me back. When she did, we parted ways rather sadly, but I needed to go eat something and she had to go host a slumber party in a few minutes, so we cut our time together a bit short and promised to spend more time together the next night. After one last kiss and a tender hug, Twilight went home and I went to Elfriede’s room, hoping that she wasn’t in there.

When I dropped in, no one was there, so I had plenty of time to hop into the wardrobe and get comfy. I stole my Dragon Fire and used it as a light to read some Gryphonian literature from one of Elfriede’s personal shelves and from there. I just had myself an Anne Frank style few hours until I heard the chamber door open. I peeked out and saw that Elfriede had some attendants with her, so I waited until I couldn’t see them and couldn’t hear their heartbeats to even think about showing my face. When I was sure that they were gone, I let myself out and Elfriede jumped hard, listening to the snaps, crackles, and pops of my joints. I yawned a bit and sent my crap away before waving her book at her.

“You know, Gryphonian books sure are a lot darker than Pony books. I like that.” I said casually like I hadn't just popped out of the fucking wardrobe.

Elfriede just stared.

I looked at her, then back at the wardrobe. “Didn’t you tell me to be in your wardrobe the next time I came to see you? Well here I am. Coming out of the wardrobe. Like you said to do.” I pursed my lips.

She continued to stare.

“So… I guess you can’t really give me a blowjob and I’m engaged now, so I can’t really do anything for you, but we can still talk, right? I know you’ve gotten my notes since I came back from my home world, so don’t you try to use that against me!”

“... Are you here to assassinate me or something?” Elfriede asked slowly.

“No, you bird brained pussy cat. I’m here for your sweet, bitter arse. Here to assassinate you. Tch, I put you in power! Why would I come back and assassinate you?” I scoffed “Are you doing something that might not be in your best interest?”

She tilted her head at me. “I do not know. That is what being a ruler is, after all. Never quite knowing when you’re trodding on toes or irritating the wrong person. Is there a reason you are visiting now of all times?”

I shrugged. “I’ve put my death squad together and this is the weekend before we start training. I figured I’d get my visits with the people I haven’t seen yet done. How’ve you been?”

The Gryphon Queen blinked at me slowly. “I’ve been… Well, I suppose. You could have come to see me in the middle of the day, however. You are a noble now, are you not? I remember Celestia saying that you’d been named as a Duke before you went off to your Earth.”

“Well, I’m actually a Prince now, so I think it’d be weird if I just showed up in your court with nothing to say and no real reason to be there.”

She tilted her head again. “You. A Prince.” Elfriede took a moment to consider that before cackling madly. You! A Prince!”

I threw the book at her. “Oi! It’s not something I like, so shut your face hole, you cheeky beaky twat!”

She caught it easily. “Ah, that is amusing. Really now, what has Equestria come to? Coronating assassins?”

“I’m not an assassin. If doing something one time defines you as someone who does only that, then I’m also a pervert of the highest degree.”

“Speaking of your perversions…” Elfriede trailed off, her eyes flickering to her bed. “I still have not found a suitable replacement for Adolf. Perhaps you could fill my bed for a night…?”

“I would have to get express permission from my fiance, Princess Twilight. She tends to be rather possessive these days unless we’re sharing someone.” I informed.

Elfriede tutted. “I should have laid you when I had the chance. At least show me what I’m missing, will you?”

I gave her an odd look. “Wouldn’t that just make you want it more?”

“That depends on what it looks like.” She said cryptically.

I rolled my eyes and showed her my wedding tackle, but when I did so, her beak opened and she let out a strangled noise. “Happy now?”

“Y-You would break me!” Elfriede gasped. “No! I regret asking now!”

I stowed the goods. “That’s what I thought. Knowing that one of the most arseholish species have some of the tiniest dicks around makes me smile.”

“They are not tiny to Gryphon females you mammoth.” Elfriede huffed irritably. “They may not be satisfying, but at least they would not split us in half.”

“Aren’t Gryphon dicks barbed?” I asked.

“... Are they not supposed to be? That is half the fun, after all.”

I stared at her. “You lot are some weird fucking blokes, I’ll tell you that much. Other than sex, is there anything else you want to talk about? Like how you manage to keep that arse looking nice and fuckable, despite not exercising for example.”

Elfriede rolled her eyes. “You are just as annoying as I remembered, though your flirtations do make a woman feel prettier.”

“That’s all I’m on this world for. Making the ladies feel pretty and giving the good dick until the end of time.” I sighed. “Curse my wretched fate!”

“Humble, aren’t we.” She scoffed. “I hope you weren’t planning on making this a terribly long visit.”

“I really wasn’t, but now I want to talk about our feelings and who you think is cutest in the court. I think it’s Geoffry.” I batted my lashes at her.

“You know that hideous, ugly creature?” Elfriede spat.

“Not personally. I just said a name. I wasn’t expecting it to be someone you knew.”

“I know Geoffry and he is, by no stretch of the imagination, ‘cute’. Ponies are cute. you, by some ridiculous stretch of the imagination, are cute, but Gryphons do not do ‘cute’.” Elfriede said harshly.

I walked over to her with my hands on my face. “Aww, who’s the cutest little kitty-bird? You are! Yes you are! Does my widdle kitty-bird want some catnip? Ooh! Or maybe some nice sunflower seeds! How does that sound?” I cooed.

Elfriede glared daggers at me. “Cease your nonsense before I end you.”

“What’s wrong my sweet widdle canary-cat? Is someone’s widdle paw achy-breaky? Do you want a bath or a ball of yarn?” I asked, doing my best to be as patronizing as possible.

“I despise you. I truly despise you at the maximum possible capacity-”

“That’s maxim-us capacity.” I grinned.

Elfriede groaned and held a claw to her face. “Why didn’t I kill you? Why did I not kill you when I had the chance?”

“Come on, kitty-bird, you know I’m too cute and cuddly to kill so callously! You know you love every second you spend in my company, and the more you lie to yourself about it, the less happy you’ll be.”

“I hate you.” Elfriede growled.

“You love me.” I grinned.

“I would trade you for the carcass of a woodmouse.”

“You wouldn’t give me up for the biggest cat dick you can find.”

“If I could kill you now, I would.”

“Be careful, my favourite feathered feline: you might hurt my feelings if you don’t profess your undying love for me.”

“The only undying thing here is your despicable nature.” Elfriede said flatly.

“No, my despicable nature comes and goes with the tides. I’m just trying to bring a smile to your beaked countenance.” I said, pouting.

She rolled her eyes. “I would rather be choked to death. You have shown your face. We have traded words. Go home so I can touch myself in peace.”

I raised my brows. “Are you sure I can’t just stick around for a quick peek?”

“You could if you were not engaged. I would not expose myself to a promised man.”

“What if that promised man was the reason you were single?” I wiggled my brows at her.

“...You could tempt me.” Elfriede sat on her bed and laid back on her multitude of pillows.

I sat on her bed and touched her leg. “I’m sure I could come up with something that would convince you, but alas. I must return to my home world and greet the little green men.”

She glared at me. “You just wanted to hear me offer myself to you.”

“Yeah, and?”

She threw a pillow at me. “Get out of my chambers you oaf!”

“Love you Kitty!” I gave her a winsome grin.

Elfriede crossed her arms and continued glaring, so I pulled myself out of her room and figured that I would go home or something. I didn’t have anything better to do, so I appeared in my room and went to bed for reasons. At least I’d finally gotten my time with Elfriede, even if she had been rather hostile during most of it. In any case, I just wanted to write for a few moments and here we are. My writing has taken me into the night a ways, so I guess I’ll go to my workshed and do some woodworking or something to pass the time. There could be something else I spend a few moments doing, but I’m just not feeling at the moment. Eh, Hopefully I’ll just find something interesting. My motivation’s taken a hit and all I want to do is do nothing and sleep.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So I didn’t do any woodworking, but carving kept me up all night and did me no favours come the morning. I was covered in fine dust and shavings in spades, but my end product of me efforts was rather pretty and fit into my hand pretty well. I’d made a handle for a blade the didn't exist quite yet, but what a glorious handle it was. I’d managed to get the Goat horns I’d poached from my kill some time ago and work them into something usable, but I’d left myself a little extra material so I could properly sand it down and polish it up. From there, I exited the shed to find that it had actually eaten up my night. The sunlight fucking hurt my eyes, so I told it to fuck off and shut myself back into my shed until Twilight came a-knocking and told me that I was going to have to go and get some shit done for the Equestria Games. It was a drag beyond all drags, but I’d told her that I would go, so I was obligated to keep my world, and boy did that Sun burn. Well, for the first few minutes that is.

Twilight ‘made’ me take a shower and comb the shit out of my hair, though how it had gotten there, I’ll never know since I’d been working rather carefully and all that. I was still thinking about making more handles when I got out of the shower and Twilight was impatiently waiting for me in her full Princess regalia, holding my suit for me so I could quickly hop in once I was ready. I sighed and got dressed quickly enough, but I didn’t really care about going off to the Games in any case. I just didn’t want to be bothered in the slightest, and when Twilight told me that Adstus had been invited to come, I got downstairs and asked Crimson, Swift, and Iron if they wanted to come along. They all gave affirmative answers and I groaned again because that meant we were either going to have to have Twilight teleport us or we were going to be taking a train.

Before Twilight teleported us all to the train while it was in motion, I advised my present teammates to wear their Adstus suits, but Iron’s was still in Canterlot for the time being, so I asked Twilight if we could take a quick detour and so we did. Crimson and Swift showed up in their suits and shades while Iron just bore the shades until we got to Letrotski’s shop. It took fifteen minutes for him to put the finishing touches on her suit, so we weren’t actually terribly late or anything. Still, it had taken a little time out of our busy schedule, so Twilight just magicked Iron into her suit and sent her clothes back home before teleporting us onto a train while it was in motion.

There were a fucktonne of people on said train, but Twilight and I got our own privte car for our nearest and dearest, so when we got in there, my clean cut, well put together group of trained soldiers and two killers met a group of strange, straight up odd women that didn’t really seem to go together at all. However, Rainbow and Fluttershy were wearing matching sportswear so that was cute, but they just couldn’t match the aura that me and my team put off. Hell, Noir herself looked like she was way out of place (she’d been in the car before we’d gotten there), and it was only now that I realized that my team had probably overdressed for the event, but then again, they were supposed to be my guards anyway. I want my people to look good, dammit!

I introduced everyone to Crimson, Swift, and Iron since I was sure they would be talking during the train ride to wherever the fuck while I went over to go talk to Noir. “Oi! Why didn’t you come and get me when you left for the train?” I asked irritably.

Noir shrugged. “I did not feel like Shadow Diving you and your team around. Honestly, it would be much easier if you just had a portion of my Magic and used it solely for teleportation.”

“Sorry to make you feel like a transport of some sort, but you couldn’t have given me some advance notice?”

“I gave you as much notice as I had. Twilight was the one who told me that I needed to be properly dressed and that I was expected to attend as one of Celestia’s guards.”

I looked at her outfit. It was a nice old-timey dress that I knew would actually allow a fair amount of movement, but it was still very cumbersome in appearance. “I really hope you brought Mordemor. I don’t think anyone’s going to try anything, but still.”

Noir shook her head. “I can teleport my sweet child to my side whenever he is necessary without using any magic of my own. That sword is bonded to me in certain ways, and if I ever happen to pass in some way, then he will be passed on to you.”

“Well then, it’s great that you’re not going to die unless something throws you in a fucking volcano or something, and even if I do get Mordemor, I’m not going to use that fucking mastadon of a blade.”

“Hopefully you do not receive him then. I don’t believe you will ever find another person who will be able to use him if you choose not to.”

“He’ll make the most lovely momento of you that ever existed.” I said cheekily.

Noir nudged my shoulder with her fist. “Enough of me. I see you have chosen to wear your Prince regalia rather than your Adstus suit.”

“Seemed like a better time for it to be honest with you. That, and I wasn’t sure if I could bring my Kopis with me, and if I couldn’t bring my Kopis, I was pretty sure I couldn’t get away with my armor.”

“But your guards could? Maximus, no one will ever realize that they are wearing armor.” Noir chuckled.

I shook my head. “I wouldn’t be surprised if Celestia or Luna figured it out. They’re both supposed to be here, but if I can have my crew there with their shit, then I’ll take it, even if Crimson is the only one bringing a weapon.”

“I have faith that Coffee Cream will have your things done soon enough. After all, she is quite the expedient worker, though it is a bit unfortunate that you were as put together as you could have been. It would have been quite the show to have your team fully armed and at your back.”

“It would’ve looked cool, but I’m not sure if that would’ve been the best idea. Either way, I brought the Warbling Blade so I can hand that off to Swift if things get hairy.”

Noir gave me a look. “Between Celestia, Luna, and ourselves, what do you think-”

I covered her mouth with my tentacle. “No! Don’t you fucking finish that sentence. Bad shit happens when you’re all like ‘Oh? What could possibly go wrong?’!” I said in a mocking voice. “Seriously! Have you not learned this lesson? Remember what happened when Twilight asked me what could go wrong with her little science experiment not too long ago? She blew up a marshmallow the size of my thumb and it got on everything!”

Noir glared at me until I removed my tentacle. “What could possibly go wrong.” She challenged.

I hit her and she hit me back. That continued on for awhile, us just whacking the shit out of each other until Twilight teleported me into the seat next to her. “Really, Max? You’re going to start hitting Noir while everypony can see?”

“She started it!” I argued.

Twilight gave me a look. “Stop being such a colt and act like you’re an actual Prince.” She snapped.

“Stop acting like my Mum and remind yourself of who I am.” I replied hotly.

She rolled her eyes. “Whatever, Max. Just stop hitting ponies, okay?”

I pinched her and she glared at me. “What did I just say!?”

“I didn’t hit you, I pinched you. There’s a large difference.” I said haughtily.

There were a few giggles from the car and Twilight blushed before snatching my hand away from her arm. She held it firmly between us. “Just knock it off, will you? You’re going to end up embarrassing yourself at this rate!”

I rolled my eyes and snapped softly, heading into Prince Mode. “Say no more, my love. I am who you ask me to be.”

She gave me an odd look. “You just changed moods, didn’t you?”

“I changed the Paths, Cherry. Such things are trivial when compared to the image of our great nation, are they not?” I asked.

“... As long as you behave yourself, I suppose.” Twilight let go of my hand, but I chased her fingertips and held them loosely.

“Twilight, Cherry, do you know how long we’ll be in the Crystal Empire? Or rather, how long we’re expected to be there?”

She eyed me warily. “We’re only supposed to be there for a few days. We’ll be having a meeting in the afternoon on the third day, but the girls are heading back home that morning. Why do you ask?”

“Simple curiosity and nothing more. I was hoping to share a bed with you this evening since we were unable to do so last night.”

“...I’m pretty sure Shining is going to put us in separate rooms.”

“He is not powerful enough to keep me away from you.” I said simply.

“No, but I’d like you to respect my brother’s wishes while we’re in his castle. If we ever get our own, I know you’d expect the same of him.”

“I would expect him to throw a fit and act like he still despises me.”

“...Have you really given him a reason not to?” Twilight asked.

“Has he given me a chance?” I rebutted.

“Shining did give you a chance-”

“No, my love, he did not. When he learned that we were dating, I earned his hatred. When I saved his wife and life, he was quick to forget what I did for him. Granted, I picked Chrysalis out for my own reasons, but it served him and his love more so than anyone else, and frankly, all he has ever been to me is a hateful ingrate. When Shining was on good terms with me, that was because I’d just saved his marriage and absolved him of guilt he should not have been shouldering. Then, when I went to Earth against my will, he turned against me and threw away the progress we’d made. Don’t expect me to be your brother’s whipping boy, Twilight Sparkle. We had an agreement for your father, but we have no such bond for your brother.”

Twilight stared at me. “... Are you seriously saying that you want something in return if I ask you to be nice to Shining?”

I raised a brow at her. “Naturally. One should not expect to receive without giving in turn.”

Twilight colored and squeezed my hand hard. “I give you a lot of things, Maximus. I give you patience and sympathy and love, and I shouldn’t have to give you anything else for you to do something so simple!”

My brow stayed raised. “And you would deny that I give unto you the very same thing you give to me? Twilight Sparkle, can you honestly say that your situation with my family is anything at all like mine with yours?”

She removed her hand from my grasp and turned away from me. “If you want to be an ass, we don’t have to talk.”

I looked at her coolly. “How mature of you. Resulting to insults and petty gestures when you are cornered.”

Her head whipped around and she jammed a finger in my face. “You listen to me, Max. We are through with this conversation. No little snide remarks. No more jabs. D. O. N. E. Done. Okay? Okay.”

I smirked at her because I knew I had her, but I held my tongue since there was no point in continuing down the path we were going. Twilight would only grow angrier if we kept talking, so I was happy enough to let her cool down, but when I tried to get up and visit with someone else, she caught my arm and gave me a look.

I gazed at her lackadaisically. “Can I assist you, my dearest Cherry?””

“... How are you so calm?” She asked hotly.

“It’s the nature of this Path. A ruler must keep a cool head at all times while presenting their argument in a clear and logical manner.” I replied easily.

Twilight let my hand go. “Where are you going?”

“Well, I was planning on talking with Fluttershy, or perhaps introducing Iron Hoof to Applejack since I think they would get along well. Would you like me to sit back down?”

Twilight looked away and I sat back down, gently grabbing her arm. “My love, speak to me. Tell me what ails you.”

Twilight looked at the floor. “... Can you stop talking like that? Please?”

“That depends. Would you rather deal with your immature yet loveable rogue, or your aloof yet suave Prince?” I asked.

“I want Max.” She said shakily.

I held her hands to my lips and snapped. “It’s a change of mindset, Cherry, not a change in personality per se. I’m the same fellow, I just go about things differently.”

She let out a relieved sigh. “I just… When you start talking like that, it sets me on edge, you know? It feels like it’s you, but it’s not the same stallion I fell in love with.”

“I figured as much. Is there something you want to talk about now, or do you just want to let me kiss you like you’ve been kissed a few times before, but this time in the future when compared to the events of the past?”

My fiance giggled. “That’s my Max. Can I have that kiss please?”

I gave it to her and I heard some whispered ‘aww’s from our eavesdroppers. In their defense, it was awfully close quarters and Twilight had gotten a bit loud near the end, though I doubted that they actually heard what I said since I’d kept it nice and low while I was talking. Most of the people knew that Twilight and I were dysfunctional at times anyway, so I wasn’t terribly worried about our image or anything of the like. Even if I was, I wouldn’t have let Twilight say anything that would have made her look bad.

Fluttershy and Rainbow eventually headed into the Ponyville athlete’s cars to give a pep talk or something. We still had a ways to go before we would ever get close to the Crystal Empire, so I was content to flirt with Twilight for a little while and push our little argument from earlier further into the back of her mind, and when Noir came over to join us for a brief conversation, I told a couple of jokes and Noir told me to kill myself, but it fancier words so that Twilight wouldn’t understand. She actually said, ‘Remove thyself from this plane of existence.’, but I knew what that really meant since she’d said it to me a few times before, though Twilight probably thought she was telling me to go into the Shadow Realm or something and had said as much. That’s how I knew what she thought.Duh. I wasn’t about to correct her and I threatened to chop Noir’s left tit off if she corrected her, so we let Twilight think what she wanted her to think.

While we were in for the long haul, I sent Starshine a note, telling her that Adstus had gone to the Equestria Games and would be back in the next few days, and when she wrote back, she thanked me for not making her give up her precious time with her acerbic, lecherous sister to go do some guard duty type bullshit. When she mentioned that, I actually asked my team for a private word and had made it understood that protecting Twilight was the top priority since I could take care of myself for the most part. Crimson tried to test that by throwing a quick jab at me, but I sidestepped it and had my own fist at his chin just as he was about through extending his arm. I was a bit faster than him, and that’s really all I needed to prove that I was capable of reacting in a split second, so Crimson said that he would follow Twilight from the shadows while Swift and Iron acted as an Honor Guard in plain sight.

Twilight, of course, objected to having guards at all when I told her the news, so I offered her a deal: If she could land one punch on me while I was giving her about twenty-percent of my usual capacity, I would keep my guards and she would be responsible for protecting herself. Twilight, thinking that I would allow Magic, agreed in a heartbeat, but when I told her that no Magic would be allowed unless I was allowed to get serious about blocking her blows, she seemed a little less certain. She said that she would give it a shot without magic first and after five punches, she would try five more with and we would see what happened from there.

Thus, Twilight and I stood in the middle of the train car, and our audience looked on in interest. Twilight’s first punch was half-hearted and easily telegraphed, so I redirected it and sent her off in the opposite direction. She tried again, this time putting more arse into it, but then she nearly toppled herself over and I had to catch her. I took the time to teach her how to throw a proper punch, which took a lot longer than you might think it would’ve. Still, once Twilight could confidently throw a half-decent jab, we started again and I let her do her three punches. Each of them were simply bad, but I could feel a bit of wind off of them: something I attributed to her status as an Alicorn.

When we finished with the normal punches, Twilight tried to move on to magical punches, but I kept distracting her while she was trying to cast her spell for bodily improvement. I would suddenly hug or kiss her, tickle her throat, flick her ears, lick her horn, and grab her bum to keep her nice and unsteady. She called it cheating, but Crimson asked how she was supposed to defend herself if someone like me could casually make her lose her focus while we weren’t even in a high stress situation, which was the point of me doing all that in the first place. Twilight asked me to back off and let her cast her spell and stop trying to be a jester, so I did, and when she got her spell up and ready to go, I snapped into Primal Mode and let her have a few swings.

Her first punch was fast, to say the least, and most people probably wouldn’t have even seen it. However, most people hadn't been trained by two monsters that were considerably faster than Twilight and I knew how to dodge things I could barely see in any case, so I swayed out of the way, caught her wrist, and brought her in for a quick smooch. My fiance grew a little rosy around the cheeks and tried another that was equally as fast, but this time, since I knew her dominant hand and her timing, I just swept it to the side and gave her a longer kiss. Twilight gave in for a moment, but when I felt her body tense up, I pushed her away gently and her third punch met nothing but air. She set her jaw and lost all semblance of form on her fourth punch and I just block that one by intercepting it with my palm that time, though that shit rather hurt. It wasn’t easy to block an Alicorn punch like that, but I’d managed and waited for her fifth punch, but she surprised me by using her opposite hand, and when it came swinging, I was mildly surprised for all of a second before I just dodged into her guard and gave her a final kiss.

Twilight sighed through her nose and let me have my kiss and the victory that came along with it, but when she pushed me away, I offered her no resistance. I gave her a ‘What can you do?’ kinda smile and she returned it with a longsuffering one of her own that spoke volumes of her vexation. My fiance asked if we could keep practicing her punches for a little while and I happily started teaching her basic moves that Noir had taught me long ago, as well as some techniques from my street fighting days that were dirtier than your mother’s underwear after a Saturday night at her ‘friend’s’ house. Yes, I’m calling your mother slutty and I’m implying that your father is a limp-dicked alcoholic. Deal with it, faggot. If you’re Twilight, then I’m sure your Dad isn’t all that limp-dicked , and I know your Mum isn’t slutty, so don’t take it too personal, Cherry.

Insults aside, teaching Twilight new moves had been passing the time pretty well, and when Fluttershy came over and asked me if I’d teach her how to throw a punch as well, I happily said yes and got my teach on. Noir came over to supervise and corrected form when I wasn’t paying close enough attention, though for the most part, she stayed silent or suggested beginner’s moves for me to teach them. Rainbow eventually came back from the other cars and asked why Fluttershy and Twilight were punching the air and I told her that I was showing them the proper way to be violent. Rainbow wanted to get in on the action, but she wanted to help teach, so I offered her the same compromise I’d given Twilight: five punches to hit, otherwise, she butts out of my teaching. Rainbow just grinned and popped her knuckles, agreeing immediately, but before Fluttershy and Twilight could clear the way, she was already coming after me. I caught her first punch easily, and when the second one came after what felt like an eternity, I caught that one too with my other hand and pulled Rainbow in close before holding her close to me and dragging her about like we were dancing.

Rainbow eventually got ahold of her senses and pushed me away with a bright blush on her face, but this time, she properly squared up with me. “No one dances with the Dash against her will!”

I rolled my eyes and held a hand out, gesturing for her to come at me, and so she did. Rainbow was about as fast as Twilight was without her Magic, but when it came down to it, she was actually slower, by my reckoning. Maybe I’d just gotten warmed up, or maybe I cared less about being gentle with Rainbow, but either way, her fist was swatted to the side like so many flies. That was her third punch, so when she tried a spinning back-fist, I blocked it handily with a bored look.

“Really? Are you showing off or trying to hit me. Because I really can’t tell.” I said blandly.

Rainbow narrowed her eyes and cocked back for one more punch, so I figured I’d get fancy with it, or rather, as patronizing as possible, and just reached out to grab her forehead while she was coming in for her last punch. Since I had an awful lot of reach on her, Rainbow was just stuck, and due to the firmness of my grip, she wasn’t going anywhere soon. She grabbed myhand with both of hers and tried to remove it, but I wasn’t squeezing all that hard, so it wasn’t that bad for her. The adorable anger on her face almost made me smile, but I figured doing so would be taking it too far, so I just gave her a shallow bow.

“Not bad, Dash. Not bad at all.” I complimented.

She huffed angrily. “You’re just saying that. If this was a real fight, you would’ve creamed me worse than corn! I never even got close to hitting you!”

I shrugged. “Don’t take it to heart.” I pointed at Noir. “She’s the one who taught me, so if you want to be mad at someone, be mad at her. She’s the one who turned me into this, for the most part.”

Rainbow turned to glare at Noir who just offered her a friendly smile and a wave. Rainbow waved back and went to storm off, but I caught her before she could go far. “Rainbow, I’m trained to hurt people. You’re trained for self-defense. It’s just too different, you know? Think of this as a learning experience rather than as a loss.”

She took a deep breath and let it out. “I… I know I should, but it feels like it was just yesterday when I was punching your face in on Twilight’s steps, and now you’re all sorts of cool and shit! It’s not fair!”

I rolled my eyes. “For what’s it’s worth, you’re still faster than I’ll ever be.”

“Yeah, for now.” She said bitterly.

“Fine. At least you’re still cuter than me.” I offered.

She blushed and hit my arm. “Shuddup! Gosh, you’re such a pain in the flank, you know that!?”

I grinned and rubbed my tricep. “You say something? Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of you hitting those muscles made of steel.”

Twilight groaned. “Max, stop talking and start showing us more stuff, okay?”

Rainbow had a seat. “Yeah! Shut up and get back to teaching, will you?”

I shrugged. “I mean, if the ladies want Max to show off, who is he to deny them such pleasures?”

Rainbow stuck her tongue out at me, Fluttershy giggled, and Twilight rolled her eyes, but I still got back to showing them what was what. Swift eventually came over to watch and to suggest a few things, and even showed off a few of the more complicated punches he knew that the girls could still pull off. I taught them how to hit, and he taught them where to hit. Noir corrected their form when necessary, and the rest of the people in the car just watched on in either amusement or boredom. Rarity voiced some concerns about a Princess learning how to fight, but when Noir told her that she’d been a warrior Princess and a conquering Queen that was responsible for a lot of Equestria’s lands, she shut up about it for fear of getting her feelings hurt again. Rarity straight up blanches whenever Noir addresses her, and when my mentor takes the time to do so, Rarity’s attention is solely on her and she absorbs every word like they hold hidden wisdom within each syllable.

When we were getting ready to finish up with the basics due to Fluttershy's mild fatigue, Applejack asked, “So what’s the need for all this fancy kinda fightin’ anyway? Why not just do what feels natural until somepony comes out of top?”

I looked at Iron and Swift, both of whom were looking at me. I turned my eyes to Crimson and he was looking at Noir, so I turned to Noir who was shaking her head. “You want to take this one, Blackberry?”

“With pleasure.” She looked over to the orange woman. “Now, Applejack, I assure you that this so-called ‘fancy fighting’ is by no stretch of the imagination just something used for show. Yes, it does show skill when used proficiently, and yes, it does look rather nice when performed correctly, but as I learned in my twentieth year on Equus, simply throwing fists at one another is no way to tell the true victor. For example, if Maximus and yourself were to simply ‘go at it’, as it were, then Maximus stand a good chance of losing due to your endurance as an Earth Pony. However, since Maximus knows how to actually use what he has instead of swinging away like some imbecile with rubber limbs, he would undeniably crush you beneath his hoof, or rather, his foot, and that is because of this ‘fancy fighting’. Knowing when, how, and where to deliver a blow are all key factors in delivering the most amount of damage to your opponent while minimizing the damage that you take, and while brute strength has its place, I often find that it is not on the field of battle since there will always be more skilled combatants waiting in the wings-”

“Not in your case.” I interrupted flatly.

Noir nodded her head towards me. “It may not always be the case, but ninety-nine times out of one hundred, that is the result. Raw strength will carry one, but it will only do so for a certain distance, and when the time that raw strength fails you comes, and it most certainly will, then having skill to rely on is key in staying alive. If you do not trust my word as Maximus’ Mistress, then take my word as a being who has seen more battles than your first three grandmothers have seen years on Equus.”

Applejack stared at her like she was fucking crazy. “...What?”

Crimson coughed. “Too long, didn’t listen summary: throwing punches doesn’t mean a thing if you don’t know how to throw those punches and Noir’s older than dirt’s grandfather.”

My mentor glared at him. “I may be your elder, but do not forget who won our contest, Crimson Tide. I will punch you in the berries.”

He gulped and held a thumb up. “Note taken. Lips sealed.”

I chuckled until Noir glared at me. “Is something funny Maximus?”

“No, Noir. You’re just funny looking.” I blurted out before I could stop myself.

Her gaze intensified. “I know were you live.”

I scratched my head and looked away. “Sure is some terrible weather we’re having in the Gryphonia, yeah? I mean, you’d think we’d just teleport to The Games and get them over with.” I chuckled nervously.

Applejack scowled. “I don’t know why everypony seems so scared of you, but you don’t look so tough to me, tall, dark, an’ ugly.”

She received some stares for her bold words. “Applejack, I’m not saying you should be scared of Noir, but she’s stronger than Luna.” I warned.

The cowgirl blinked. “I beg your what now?”

Noir nodded. “I am two thousand years older than Luna. As Alicorns go, I am far stronger than she.”

Applejack shook her head. “That don’t mean nothin’! You could still stand to be knocked down a peg!”

Crimson glowered at Applejack. “Hey, if you wanna get your flank handed to you on a silver platter, then go right on ahead. I’ve seen Noir move, and I didn't see her move.”

“That’s an oxymoron!” Pinkie chimed in happily. “If you didn’t see her, then how did you see her?”

“Noir threw two punches over my shoulders and the only thing I saw move was her arms. I couldn’t see her hands, but I could feel the wind come off of them.” Crimson shivered.

Applejack paled a little and sat back in her seat. Noir nodded. “In your defense, Applejack, your bravery was admirable while it lasted.”

“Shit, I wouldn’t have said anything.” I said.

Crimson scoffed. “You know when Noir’s getting serious better than anyone else. You know when you can push and when to pull out.”

“I can’t get a Pony pregnant. I don’t have to pull out.” I grinned.

Crimson groaned and four women in the car nodded subtly, but I caught some of them and the blushes that followed. Swift sighed. “Dude, you’re so lucky.”

“Max can’t have kids. I wouldn’t call that lucky.” Twilight said, her voice a little sharp.

Swift winced. “Sorry, didn’t mean to touch a nerve.”

Twilight sat down and sighed, staring out of the train’s window. I decided to brighten the mood. “You know, if I really want a kid, I’ll just pay you to put one inside of Twilight for me and I’ll raise it like my own.”

Swift lit up bright red and so did Twilight, but the looks on their faces made me burst out on laughter. “Max! That is not funny!” Twilight objected.

Pinkie giggled along with me. “Oh come on, Twilight! You know Max wouldn’t let just anypony have their way with you!”

Swift shook his head rapidly. “I-I couldn’t do it anyways. Sleeping with my boss’ wife would be a huge no-no.”

“So if he’s not your boss, are you up for it?” Rainbow said, barely managing not to laugh.

“What? No! I mean, I think you’re really pretty, Princess, but you two are practically married already! I couldn’t do that!” The pale orange stallion’s face was bright red.

“I believe the stallion doth protest too much. Perhaps you are simply waiting for the perfect moment to give Twilight a child?” Noir chimed in mirthfully.

“No! Max is the only stallion I need and that’s that! It’s not happening!” Twilight objected vehemently.

“Oh? Do you think Swift is ugly?” Rarity asked, covering her mouth once she was done.

“No, it’s- I- Max is the only pony I want inside me, okay! It has nothing to do with looks!” Twilight sputtered.

Fluttershy’s eyes sparkled. “I don’t know, Twilight. A little fun in the moonlight never hurt anypony.”

“How many times do I have to say Max is the only stallion I want!?” Twilight cried.

“Say it a few more times and you’ll boost my ego another notch.” I gave her a playful smile.

She stuck her tongue out at me. “What? Do you want me to lick your tongue? You know I will.” I said easily.

The car burst out in another round of giggles and Twilight just crossed her arms, glaring outside. “This is why nopony respects you as a Prince!” Low blow, Cherry.

“No, nopony respects Max as a Prince because nopony respects the Princes.” Pinkie said, completely serious.

“Damn straight.” I added tersely.

“I third that motion.” Noir added.

The car fell silent for a moment until Rarity said, “What are you talking about? Ponies respect every member of Royalty!”

I gave her a look. “The Day Guards in Canterlot Castle look at me like I’m another Prince Blueblood. Your average citizen knows who Twilight is and I’m willing to bet that they knew a couple of weeks after she was coronated, but no one knows who I am. Hell, people bow to Noir before they bow to me!”

Noir coughed. “I am an Alicorn.”

I threw my hands up. “So am I! Celestia herself told me that I was an Alicorn, but I don’t get wings or that shit, though it’s not like I want them. I don’t get a crown or some shit to wear around so people know who I am; I get a ring, which is beautifully crafted and well designed, but it’s only a symbol of power if people are looking directly at your hands! Hell, I just came back from Canterlot yesterday and the vast majority of the people that saw it didn’t even recognize it as a Signet Ring! I’m a Ghost Prince, and though I have a modicum of power, it’s literally only because Celestia and Luna get shit done for me.

Twilight scoffed. “At least you exercise some of your power. The only thing I ever get used for is menial Royal duties from time to time that all of the Princesses have to be present for anyway. Take The Game for example! I wasn’t even supposed to go because of extenuating circumstances, but it’s not like it really would have mattered that much if I chose to come or not! I’m just as much a figurehead as you are, Max, but at least you have power!”

I scoffed. “Power I never wanted in the first place. I would happily trade you for a week to see what your side of the deal is like, to see what kind of moves you can make. Like, I’m eighty-percent certain that the reason you feel like you have no power is because you haven’t had a reason to use it yet. As for me? The only thing I used my power to do was make an Honor Guard of sorts, which is something you yourself could do at any time. The main reason you haven’t is because you just don’t see a reason to.”

Twilight pursed her lips. “At least they groomed you to be a Prince. Celestia literally had me sit in a classroom for two weeks and taught just about every manner of etiquette and Equestrian history that she didn’t think I’d already researched for myself. That was pretty much it. I know you don’t like to talk about your training with Luna, but at least you had the attention of both of them-”

“You don’t want it. You don’t want what Luna has to teach you.” I deadpanned.

“You’re missing my point!”

“And you’ve missed mine. I hated every second I spent with Luna and that’s all I’ll say right now, but I guarantee that unless you want to spend three weeks being broken and rebuilt like I was, you don’t want Luna’s attention on you. Seriously, I don’t see why you and Cadance never learned how to fight anyway. I mean, I’m glad you didn’t have to literally stay awake for three weeks straight with breaks just long enough to stop you from going competely insane, but why am I the only one who had to go through that Hellish bullshit?”

Twilight’s expression softened. “... Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” I replied.

Twilight looked saddened, but Rainbow asked, “What could have been that bad? I mean, learning how to fight isn’t that bad.”

“You’ve never been taught by Luna.” Crimson and I chorused.

“I forgot you were taught by Luna too.” I said.

“I’m sure she put you through something worse that what she put me through. I don’t mind talking about my time with Luna.” Crimson said.

And thus began a round of questions about some of Luna’s more brutal teaching methods. I recognized most of them as some of the more pleasant memories I had with her, and others were new punishments to me, but hearing Crimson talk about some of his experiences made me feel a bit better talking about one or two of mine. The two I mentioned were the bamboo monkey bars that tore your hands apart if you tried to swing from one to the next, which included a nest of brambles beneath you, just in case you fell. The other was holding certain positions under weight with scalding cups of water perched around your body depending on where Luna felt like you needed more balance. The brutal parts about that particular exercise were that she would occasionally cane you hard enough to make one fall, but if you moved or tried to hop around to escape the pain, the other four cups would fall and each of them were kept so hot they would blister skin on contact with Magic.

Needless to say, I got a few horrified looks and more than a few hugs. Twilight apologized for thinking that my time with Luna hadn’t been ‘all that bad’, but I told her that I was fine and had made it through okay enough, but she still maintained that Luna should be locked up for what she did to me. There were agreements from the rest of the girls, Swift, and Iron, but Crimson and Noir were on my side when they said that you had to train like your life was at stake to be the best. As it was, Noir had been trained even harder than I had and her teacher’s methods were actual horror stories. Things like being thrown onto a bed of glass to cause scarring under the fur that wouldn’t allow you to feel as much pain, continually burning fur off of one’s body to make it grow back thicker and more resistant to cuts, training with real knives against significantly better opponents just to know that you’re not the top dog. Shit like that.

There are reasons I refuse to talk about some of the things Noir has done for the sake of making me strong.

Crimson and I stole the conversation from Noir when she start reminiscing a bit too much about the bad old days and I started talking about Celestia’s training. Twilight mentioned that Celestia hadn’t done the double voice thing with her and that the yardstick hadn’t made a single appearance, even on the rare occasion she did get something wrong. I considered that rather lucky since the Solar Diarch had one Hell of a swing with that thing and wasn’t afraid to use it if she felt like I wasn’t paying enough attention. Twilight asked how I’d put up with being abused for so long and I told her that since it was for the sake of Equestria, I’d buckled down and dealt with it, though I just wasn’t as fond of Celestia or Luna as I used to be.

We eventually moved off of that topic and most of us retired to a personal car to get a nap in before we cleared the Gryphon lands and entered the wastes. Noir, Twilight, and I stayed up since we didn’t actually need to sleep, but all we talked about was mild fashion thaT I didn’t really give a fuck about. It was simple shit that I could actually keep up with, and when I mentioned that I wanted to buy Twilight a nice little black dress for simple dates or something of the sort, she blushed and told me that she’d already bought one that she thought I would like, though it was a surprise, so I wasn’t allowed to see it quite yet.

With thoughts of sexy things running through my head, I grabbed my current book from my house and started working on it some more since there wasn’t much else for me to do until Twilight let me know that she’d compiled a few hours worth of reading into her diary, so I could view that if I wanted to. I traded her for a few moments and started reading what she’d written down and I have to say that Twilight’s writing was very… Clinical, I suppose. It was well written and quite succinct, but the main thing was that is was so cold and precise that it felt like I was reading a report on her life, or a biography written by a lawyer with bad penmanship. That being said, I could easily follow along with her thoughts and feelings and it was an enlightening read to say the least, but I still felt like she could’ve added in a few conversations to break the bulk of the text up. However, two year old memories aren’t exactly the most reliable, even if one’s memory was as good as Twilight’s, so I let it slide and continued on.

I got about halfway through Twilight’s diary when we arrived in the Crystal Empire and I had no idea how much time had passed at all. Like, I was more than a little disoriented from just not knowing what was up, but I still managed to get out of the train and join the girls for a quick meeting. Spike showed up from the athlete’s car, which surprised me a bit since I’d thought that he hadn’t come at all. Still, there was a great mass of people milling about, so I just stuck next to Twilight and my team stuck next to me while we walked, and once the girls split up from my group, that left us with the members of Adstus, Noir, Twilight, and Spike. Cadance came to greet us soon after we got away from the hoi polloi, but much to my surprise, some dudes with a chariot pulled by oxen came and scooped Spike up rather quickly. My group just stared after him and Twilight just scratched her head before Cadance told us that he was going to be the lamplighter for the opening ceremony due to his heroics during the whole Crystal Empire affair.

Noir asked why I hadn’t been given a similar honor since I’d been right there with him most of the way and done a good deal of the footwork in finding the Crystal Heart, but Cadance just said that people didn’t care much for my unfamiliar face and my lack of hooves. However, the Crystal Empire had a longstanding history of respecting and honoring Dragons, so they held Spike up on a pedestal and I swore that I wasn’t going to save the Crystal Ponies sorry arses if I ever had the chance to do so again. Noir agreed with me wholeheartedly, but Twilight and Cadance just chuckled nervously since they couldn’t tell if I was being serious or not. I really was being serious, even if I can’t say that I was terribly upset with not being a lamplighter like Spike. It was a matter of principal and I just didn’t like the fact that I’d helped out a pocket full of racist cuckbags.

Twilight and Cadance lead the way to Spike and I just sighed and followed a ways behind them as we went along. The Spike thing didn’t really have me feeling down or anything, but something told me that having Adstus come with me was the right call, or rather, I had the vaguest feeling that shit might be going down. It came from deep within my gut, and I trusted my gut a lot more that I trusted the loaded peace that came from Equestria’s longstanding ceasefire. Something was going to happen today, and I was going to have to be vigilant one way or another unless I wanted to be caught completely off guard.

Thoughts of war and fighting aside, my group eventually came upon Spike as he was getting the ‘Royal Treatment’ in a way that Twilight and myself had never gotten. At least, when I asked Twilight if she’d even been fanned and fed while lazing around on a lounger or a similar seat, she said no and I chose to believe her on that. Spike was soaking it up until Cadance came over and started explaining what exactly his duties were. He ignored her for a little bit and told her that he was just having fun with being treated like a King, but I told him to get his head out of his arse and actually try being respectful. He glared at me, but my looks actually mean something like ‘I’m going to hand your arse to you’, so Spike got off his tail and gave Cadance his full attention. She went over his duties one more time and he got them well enough, so his attendant shuttled him off somewhere and a lady with a bowl full of semi-worthless gems followed them quickly, offering them to Spike as they went along.

I watched him got and Cadance turned to me with a look on her face that was somewhere between a smile and a grimace. “So hello, Max.”

I waved. “Hi Cadance. Are you ready to watch some people play sportsball?”

She gave me an odd look. “That’s not an event… Is it?”

“No, it’s a general term for sports that nerds used in my time. I was ever much of a sportsy kinda fellow, so I used the term to talk about football and cricket. Stuff like that. Are you ready to watch some people play sportsball?”

Cadance wrung her hands and chuckled nervously. “I-I sure am…”

I looked at her and narrowed my eyes. “You’re either working up the courage to tell me something or you’re hiding something.”

Noir sighed. “Perhaps she is trying to tell you that you are not welcome here?”

I raised a brow at her and looked to Cadance. “Is that true?”

“What? No! I mean, Shining isn’t happy to have you around or anything, but you know how he is, and that’s on some of his better days.” Cadance took a breath and let it out all at once. “Look, Max, you don’t have a seat with the rest of the royalty. That’s what I’m trying to tell you.”

I crossed my arms and tilted my head. “And why is that?”

Twilight put a hand on my shoulder as Cadance winced. “Well, you see, it’s traditional for Princes of Equestria to work the security detail or to plan the after party while the games themselves are going on, so… Well, with Shining on security detail…”

“So I’m the party bitch.” I said, my voice placid. I snapped my fingers softly to avoid getting fucking furious.

“You’re mad, aren’t you?” The taffy Princess asked nervously.

I looked at her.

“Max, it really is an honor to plan the after party, right? I mean-” I stared at her and her voice died in her throat.

Noir placed her hand on my other shoulder. “It is not like you ever wanted to see the events of the day for yourself in any case. This way, you may throw a ‘arse-wrecking’ party like no other has ever been thrown. Just think; you can have Pinkie help you and you could check in on Twilight from time to time by using her as your second in command.”

I nodded and looked to Twilight. “When you see Pinkie, send her my way. She’ll know when to show up. For now, I’m having a chat with Celestia about the amount of respect, or rather, the lack thereof that Princes receive.”

Twilight pursed her lips off to the side. “This is kind of the epitome of what you were saying back on the train, isn’t it?”

I gave her a gentle look. “It is.”

Cadance sighed. “Who knows, Max. You might enjoy planning and throwing the after party more than the actual games themselves.”

I leveled my gaze at Cadance. “You understand how heavy-handed a slight this is to whatever authority I might have is, correct?”

She winced again. “I get it. I really am sorry, Max, but it really is going to be boring beyond belief and that’s about all it’s going to be. As Princesses, Twilight and I aren’t even really allowed to cheer ponies on.”

“And yet your faces are still represented and your power is evident for all to see.” I replied easily.

Cadance didn’t have much to say to that, but Twilight did. “I guess we won’t be seeing much of each other while the games are going on.”

“Of course not. I’ll be doing servant work while you represent Equestria.”

Cadance and Twilight looked away, so I turned my attention to Cadance. “I assume Shining has vehemently debated Twilight and I sharing a room in any case?”

Cadance looked at me pleadingly. “... I didn’t want to fight with him, Max. It’ll only be a few days!”

Twilight unfolded my arms and held the left one. “Cadance is right, Max. A few days won’t kill us.”

I shook her off and reached through space, pulling myself out of the situation. I could feel my blood boiling, even through the Prince Mode facade and I didn’t want to snap at anyone. It would be a good while before I came to a less furious state, but when I got there, I was still floating through the dimensions. The nice thing was that, to my knowledge, no one could teleport here and bother me since teleportation worked on a different plane of existence, so I was just floating, looking at the fractals. It was actually a pretty good place to get some meditation done, so I just closed my eyes and leaned back, wading through the weightlessness before I actually calmed down. I pulled myself out of the alternate dimension and back into the room I’d left from, but when I got back, I just fell into Noir, though she caught me easily.

I was looking at Cadance when I got back and she blinked. “Did- Did you just teleport five inches to the left?”

I raised a brow at her. “I went to an alternate dimension to calm myself. I am still upset.”

“... You don’t sound like it, to be honest.” Cadance said warily.

“Max, you’re not using the ‘Path’ thing, are you?” Twilight asked, sounding rather disappointed.

“Twilight, I am a Prince and I am here as a Prince. Being my normal self would have ended with with a loud argument and me going home to spite Celestia for making her Princes less than figureheads.” I replied.

Twilight closed her eyes and cover her mouth with both hands. “Max, just be yourself!”

I gave her a condescending look. “I was warned against being myself multiple times. I created this path because being my self did not suit the duties of a Prince.”

Twilight looked at me sadly but didn’t say anything, so I turned to Cadance. “Either you fight with Shining or I do. If need be, I will find a place to stay other than the Crystal Castle for I simply refuse to stay somewhere I am not welcome.”

Cadance held her hands to her bosom. “Max, you know you’re always welcome in my home-”

“Not according to your husband.” Noir said casually.

Cadance glared at her. “What Shining has to say about Max doesn’t matter! Everypony here knows that he just hates him for loving Twilight anyway.”

Twilight blushed. “Oh.”

I looked at her. “I told you I would never lie to you, and yet you still need other people to confirm the things I tell you. I suppose I should be offended.”

My fiance looked at the floor and ground the tip of her hoof into the crystal. Noir patted my shoulder and said, “If we’re done stating the obvious, then perhaps we should have a talk with Shining about respecting the bond between his sister and my pupil.”

Cadance sighed. “I’ve tried, Noir, I really have, but Shining just… He doesn't like Max.”

“No one likes me, they learn to live with me.” I said flatly. “Perhaps I should offer to roll over and die a couple of times to prove that I truly do love Twilight.”

Cadance looked at me beseechingly. “Max, Shining knows that you love Twilight with all your heart, he just hates that you hurt her…”

“So do I.” I said softly.

Twilight held my hand. “How many times do I have to tell you to stop blaming yourself for your disappearance? You weren’t even in control of it, Max!”

I gripped her hand. “I should’ve just gone the first time I was called, but then again, you’re usually right when I know I’m wrong.”

“...I’m going to pretend that you said that I’m usually right.” Twilight said.

“You can also add in that I said that your eyes are glittering amethysts and that your hair is purple silk.” I kissed her cheek and she blushed.

Noir patted my shoulder and joined Cadance’s side. “Perhaps I should speak to Shining on Maximus’ behalf? I can be terribly persuasive.”

We all looked at her and Cadance said, “As much as I would be okay with that, let’s just say that you did and have you not do that.”

“You are terrifying at times.” I said casually.

Noir huffed. “I will have you know that I am terrifying all of the time, thank you very much.”

“Not when you’re cuddling Twilight.” I said airily.

My mentor blushed. “Hush.”

I nodded and Twilight asked, “So what are we going to do about the sleeping situation? I kind of promised Max that we could sleep in the same bed while we were here.”

Cadance coughed and looked away. “Well, I’m not saying that you should, but you are an Alicorn. It’s not like you have to listen to Shining or myself anyway. I mean, it’s not like Shining is going to place a ward on your room or anything.”

I raised a brow. “And if he does?”

The taffy Princess’s eyes grew hard. “Then I’ll be extra mean to him. No hugs, no kisses, no hand-holding. Nothing at all.”

I pretended to wince. “Ow, someone’s pulling out the big guns right away. I like your style, Cadance.”

She gave me a half-smile. “Thank you.”

Twilight coughed. “And what are we going to do about the party and Max’s involvement? I’m sure you’d rather be by my side, right Amour?”

I nodded. “I would much rather be holding your hand or generally distracting you from the games.”

She smiled. “Then it’s settled. We’ll just have to go behind Shining’s back and we’ll have a talk with Celestia about getting Max a proper seat for the games.”

Cadance averted her gaze and wrung her hands some more. “About that…”

I was tempted to groan, but Princes aren’t supposed to, so I didn’t. “What is it, Taffy?”

Cadance looked at me. “It’s just that, well, Equestrian Royalty have seats specially made for them. They’re practically thrones, after all.”

“So even if I am allowed to attend the games, I’ll be relegated to the equivalent of a folding chair?” I asked.

Noir nodded. “I just conferred with Luna. She is firmly against you being represented at the games.”

“Sexism is fun.” I said drolly.

Twilight wove her finger into mine. “It won’t be that bad, Max. Maybe Celestia will see reason and-”

Celestia teleported just off to Twilight’s side. “I apologize for my tardiness, but I’ve been coordinating the seating arrangement. Luna’s told me that Max wishes to to be represented as a member of the Equestrian Crown. Is that correct?”

I looked at her. “It is. Why am I slated to plan a party?”

“Well, from the bonfire you held two years ago, it would seem that you throw pretty decent parties. I thought you would be more interested in doing that than with security detail. That, and Shining Armor refuses to plan parties since he’s too macho.” Celestia smiled.

I gave her a blank look. “If you wanted someone to plan a good party, you could have asked Pinkie and told her what you expected.”

Celestia’s smile wavered. “You don’t want to plan the party.”

“I would like to be represented as a member of Equestrian Royalty.” I replied.

“Are you alright, Max? You sound like you did when I was teaching you.” Celestia said carefully.

“I’ve entered the Prince Path to avoid coming off as overly hostile. Tell me, Celestia, why give me a position of ‘power’ if I effectively sit in the shadows and do nothing?”

Celestia looked at Crimson, Swift, and Iron. “Are you sure we should be having this conversation in front of Adstus?”

I looked at them. “Stick together and scout the premises. Crimson, treat this as a training exercise and teach teach what you can. Swift Strike, Iron Hoof, please do your best to learn what Crimson has to offer.”

“Will do, boss.” Crimson replied.

I blinked. “Am I going to need a codename for you to use other than ‘boss’?”

Iron nodded. “It’d help if you don’t want ponies to know that you’re the one in charge.”

“Then call me ‘Grey’ when we’re on official business.” I ordered politely. “When we’re off duty, Max will work just fine.”

Crimson nodded his approval and looked to Swift and Iron. “Alright, we have our orders. The first thing we need to do is figure out the general layout…” He said, walking away.

I turned to Celestia. “They are gone. Conversation or no?”

She sighed. “Look, Max, Equestria’s Princes have all the same powers and rights as a Princess-”

“But they do not have equal representation.” Noir interjected.

Celestia frowned. “What do you mean by that?”

Twilight raised a hand. “Well, when I was made a Princess, everypony knew within a few days. Every time I’d go outside, I’d have paparazzi flocking around me for the first few weeks, but Max has been a Prince for months and we’re still telling ponies that he was the one who got coronated.”

Celestia looked amused. “You say that like it’s a bad thing. I was under the impression that you would prefer your privacy, Max.”

I levelled a look at her. “And you are not mistaken. However, my current level of privacy has been given to me because no one knows who I am. Do you see the problem there, Celestia?”

She scoffed. “No, I honestly don’t. If I could rule from the shadows and let my little Ponies think that Luna was their only Princess, I would happily do so. Sadly, people need something to look up to and thus I’m stuck with being the face o0f Equestria. Really Max, are you complaining about not being recognized?”

I tilted my head at her. “What use is power if you have no respect? How do you lead if no one knows that they are supposed to follow you? In your lessons you said that I would be a face known across the lands, yet here I am, doing work you could have just as easily delegated to a member of your staff or someone who plans parties for fun. I’m not complaining, Celestia, I’m asking why you’re keeping me a secret.”

Her brows raised and Twilight looked at me funny. “I don’t think that’s what’s happening here, Max.”

Noir scoffed. “That is exactly what is happening.”

Cadance chimed in. “Auntie Celestia, is that true?”

Celestia cleared her throat. “Twilight, could you fill my position for a moment while I speak with Max?”

Twilight cocked her head to the side. “I guess I can, but, and I really don’t mean to come off as disrespectful, why am I the only pony leaving?”

Celestia looked at her. “If you wouldn’t mind, Twilight.”

My fiance looked at me and I beckoned her to lend me her ear. I gave her a quick kiss and whispered, “I’ve got plans with Celestia that I can’t tell you about right now. Trust me to tell you when the time comes, okay, Cherry?”

Twilight teleported us a few meters away. “What kinds of plans?” She asked quietly.

“Again, trust me to tell you when the time comes. Until then, just know that I’ll protect you to the best of my ability until the time comes where I can’t move a muscle and my teeth don’t work any longer. I love you, Twilight Sparkle.”

She gave me a worried look before coming in for a quick kiss. “I love you too, Maximus. I’ll see you soon. Well, I hope I do.” She teleported away.

I walked back over to Celestia, Cadance, and Noir. “Alright, so war talk, I assume?”

Celestia nodded. “War talk. We need to keep this quiet, just in case anyone is listening.” She cast a bubble around us.

Noir raised her head slightly and tapped her horn against the glowing golden sphere. “Could I get a few more inches of clearance?”

Celestia nodded and the bubble grew a bit. “Max, I need you to be a secret for as long as possible. Right now, Discord isn’t making a move, but if he knows that we have a weapon that could end him...”

“My source told me that Discord has no plans to make a move until we can mount a force worthy of breaking into a true world war. For the time being, we’re safe, but once you get enough soldiers together, all Hell is going to break loose, or rather, the gates of Tartarus are going to open.” I warned.

The white woman blinked. “I beg your pardon? You mean Discord is waiting for us to be able to mount a counter-attack?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying. ‘Her’ has told me that Discord doesn't have that much patience, but that he’s willing to wait for the show to start properly. What I’m saying right now is that we need to find a happy medium and that exposing me as a new Prince will likely matter rather little since he already knows who I am.”

“...That’s very worrying.” Celestia said, staggered.

Noir nodded. “Quite. However, if I can see him in person, I can give Max the knowledge he needs to take Discord down then and there.”

I cracked a dark smile. “Then we can end it sooner rather than later. Still, I hope he doesn't believe in fighting fire with fire, otherwise we aren’t going to be in the best position.”

Celestia looked at me strangely. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that Discord is stronger than any of us, and if we start using mass-kill techniques, I’m confident that he could beat us at our own game.” I said solemnly.

That killed the mood a bit. Cadance spoke up. “Then maybe we should keep the fighting to the usual stuff? I don’t like the idea of sending normal ponies off to war to lose their lives, but…”

Noir and I shook our heads, but I deferred to her. “Max and I will be participating in skirmishes and full on battles, even if Celestia and Luna choose to keep their hands out of The War directly. Either way, things are going to get messy quickly, and our best bet is going to have Max and myself slay as many enemies as we can. This way, we minimize our own casualties and maximize our effectiveness.”

Celestia nodded. “Then I’ll keep the armies on standby and Luna along with myself will stay our hands, though I’m sure Luna will be eager to fight as well. The three of you by yourselves should mean hundreds of our own soldiers get to live.”

I raised a hand. “If not thousands. Noir fights like a true demon, but I’ve never seen her get serious. I’ve seen Luna get close, and I doubt there will be much that can stop her.”

Noir smiled grimly. “When I truly put my heart into a fight, things get bloody. Very bloody. Hopefully I will finally see what you are capable of at your fullest potential.”

“I hope that I don’t have to release it. As we are, is there anything else we need to address besides me being kept a secret?”

Celestia shook her head. “I really do want you to plan that party, Max. Call it a favour if you will, but I want it to be you.”

I sighed heavily. “If you’re asking for it as a favour, then I see no reason to deny you that. I will cash that in at a later date, however.”

She rolled her eyes. “I’d give you whatever you want anyway.”

“So you say. What if I asked for Luna’s hand in marriage along with Twilight’s?” I challenged playfully.

Celestia gave me a look. “I believe that is more up to her than to me.”

“But how would that make you feel?” I asked, steepling my fingers.

Her look turned into one of disapproval. “I know what you’re doing. I don’t like what you’re doing.”

I nodded and let it go. Noir picked it up and said, “I think Luna would make a terrible match for my pupil anyway. They may be physically compatible, but I don’t think they would last long in a real relationship.”

“Auntie Luna’s kinda scary at times.” Cadance said quietly.

“She doesn't scare me.” I lied.

Noir gave me a look. “She’s one of the five things that terrify you.”

I returned it. “So are you.”

Celestia looked between us. “Why does Luna scare you, Max?”

“For similar reasons as to why Noir scares me. Let’s leave it at that.” I suggested.

“What are the other three things you’re afraid of?” Cadance asked.

“Lava, deep water, and being buried alive.” I rattled off quickly.

Celestia thought about that for a second. “... All of those are sure-fire ways to keep an immortal out of the way.”

I spread my hands. “Which is why they’re things you should be afraid of too.”

Cadance shivered. “I understand being buried alive, but why lava and deep water?”

Noir took over. “Lava can encase a person and burn them severely. Say, if you were to be thrown into a pit of lava, then it would form a shell around you and encase you forever, or it would simply carry you underground forever until time itself ends. Needless to say, it would be a horrible fate for an immortal. After that, deep water would mean that you drown continuously forever. I have been tempted to see what it would be like to drown continuously, but I have neither the time nor the inclination to push the limits of my immortality.”

Cadance stared at her. “That’s terrifying.”

I nodded. “That’s why I’m afraid of those three things.”

“But why are you afraid of a pony you love and Luna?” Cadance asked.

Celestia cleared her throat. “It is most likely because Noir and Luna tend to be very warlike. They both killed many people in their times.”

I sighed. “What I wouldn’t give to see you two go at it for a couple rounds.”

"That can be arranged.” Celestia said offhandedly.

Noir and I stared at her. A smile crept onto my face. “Really?”

“Why not? A live demonstration could be the finale to The Games.” Celestia said casually.

I looked at Noir. “What do you say? Are you willing to go up against Luna.”

She pulled a face. “I do not want to.”

I blinked at her. “...What?”

Noir shrugged. “I do not want to fight Luna.”

I stared at her for a moment. “Why not?”

“I would win. I know everything about how Luna fights and she knows nothing of my style. It would not be sporting or fun.”

Celestia nodded approvingly. “Perhaps there could be a contest between her and Max then.”

I shook my head. “If Luna gets serious, I lose. That’s all there is to it. What I’d really like to see is someone who could actually challenge Noir or Luna. Like, actually be their equals.”

Cadance shook her head. “I’m obviously more of a lover than a fighter.”

I rubbed my chin. “A demonstration between Shining and I would be interesting, but not fun. I know I would win if I got serious, even if I wasn’t trying to go straight for the win.”

Celestia held her tongue, though it was obvious that she wanted to say something.

Cadance gave me a look. “Why are you so eager to see a fight?”

“Because demonstrations of different skills and styles are fun to watch. They really do get the blood pumping something fierce.” I replied.

Noir nodded. “I would like to see Swift Strike and Shining Armor go a few rounds myself. Perhaps you could convince Prince Shining to engage in some activities for himself?”

My eyes widened. “Oh! I would happily set up a tourney of some kind! We could-”

“I am willing to battle Noir.” Celestia said suddenly.

We fell silent, the three of us all looking at Celestia.

“I’m sorry Celestia, but did you just say that you want to have a go with Noir?” I asked incredulously.

She nodded. “I do. I’ve never seen Noir in action and it would give me a good excuse to use the Sunlight Blade for the first time in millennia.”

Noir touched her face. “I have never actually seen you fight, Celestia. I accept your challenge.”

I snapped my fingers. “I’ve got a serious hard-on for this fight.”

Cadance blushed and I got glares from the other two ladies. “Go back into Prince Mode, you fool.” Noir commanded.

I rolled my eyes and snapped again. “A happy Harpy is a quiet one.”

She glared some more. “Keep it up and I will show you how good I am with a phallus-tipped lance.”

I raised my hands. “No need for violence. Save it for your battle with Celestia.”

Celestia smiled darkly. “Will we be wearing armour? I can fight without it if you’d like.”

Noir nodded. “Rarely have I ever worn armour, but then again, for my first two battles, I went naked above the waist.”

Cadance blushed and covered her mouth. “Oh my gosh! Seriously?”

Noir nodded and Celestia shook her head before saying, “It was an old custom, even older than using animal hides as armor, as deplorable as that was.”

I picked at my suit. “Which reminds me, I need to have Letrotski make me a suit fitting for a Prince made of silk and that tactical fiber. I rather like the fit of my Adstus uniform.”

Noir nodded. “I was tempted to wear mine, but a dress seemed more suiting for what I’m here to do.”

Celestia nodded. “You might be here as a Royal Guard, but don’t let that stop you from enjoying the fun.”

I resisted the temptation to roll my eyes. “So I’m the only one who won’t even be able to see the games?”

Celestia pursed her lips and Cadance averted her gaze. “Please don’t think of it like that. Think of it as you having one of the most important jobs in the lineup.” Celestia reasoned.

I gave her a look and she couldn’t meet my eyes. “Right. Just as a tip or reminder, whichever you’d like to call it, I fully expect to be present for your match with Noir.”

Celestia nodded. “I’ll teleport you to the side of the ring myself.”

“If she does not, I will.” Noir added.

“And if they both don’t, then you can count on me. You can even have my seat if you want it.” Cadance offered. Someone really doesn't like fighting.

I cracked a small smile. “Thank you, all of you. I’m rather eager to see what the reigning Princess and the former Queen will do when it’s down to the wire.”

Celestia and Noir smiled at each other. “Until we meet on the field of battle.” They said simultaneously, grasping each other’s forearms.

I looked at Cadance. “Old people are strange.”

She nodded. “I think the thousands of years made them go a little loony.

Noir snorted. “It was a common greeting for duelists in my time.”

“It carried on, even through the fall of the Alicorns.” Celestia said.

“Interesting. Now, if we’re done here, I have some nonsense to attend to.” I said. Ideas for prankery were already filling my head.

Celestia seemed to be psychic as fuck. “Max, I don’t feel as though I should have to tell you that there will be children at this party.”

Dammit. “I’ll separate the age groups.” I promised.

She gave me a look. “Fine, but make sure you have attendants watching for them at all times.”

I nodded. “It will be as you say.”

Cadance looked between us. “I don’t get it.”

“Never trust Max’s brownies.” Celestia warned.

“Max can barely bake.” Noir covered smoothly.

Celestia raised a brow and looked at Noir before her brows raised for a moment. “What the kitchens make should be fine, but the rest of the things he himself bakes are going to be nearly inedible. Hopefully he’s been nursing that poor skill.”

“Your words would wound me if my skin wasn’t so thick.” I said casually.

Cadance reached over and poked me. “How thick is it?” I could go so many places with that.

Noir sighed. “Just point him in the general direction of the person who is to assist him with this ‘party’. I’m sure my pupil would like to be able to have some free time, and if he can get things started sooner rather than later, then he will have more than usual.”

I nodded and Cadance actually just teleported me away when Celestia dropped the bubble. When I opened my eyes after the teleport, I was standing next to a white-haired woman that seemed to be around middle-age. She told me to get out of her way so she could go find the Prince and I flashed her my ring, so she curtsied and apologized for her rudeness and we got started on the party preparations. The first thing I did was ask for a second attendant so I could keep planning things long into the night and I sent a note off to Twilight that basically explained that I would meet her in her room around one in the morning. She told me to wake her up if she was asleep by the time I got there and I promised to do so, and with that, I started getting the groundwork hashed out then and there.

The main thing I wanted to do was separate the party room into a drinking age and a non-drinking age kind of split, so we got that taken care of, and when we started getting the party favours together, I basically had the kitchens spike everything that would hide the flavour of alcohol decently enough, and on the kiddy side, I had them mark down cupcakes and such things as possible whatchamacallits to eat. Of course I included healthy snacks on both sides, but I also included fresh baked bread and other such alcohol absorbing things to both sides, just in case someone got sneaky. While hashing out the hors d'oeuvres with Glimmer Glow, I realized that it was about time for her to go home, so I sent her off with some well wishes and she stopped for a moment to talk to me. She really just wanted to thank me for being much more polite and more involved than Blueblood had ever been and I told her that since Celestia herself had asked me to organize the party as a personal favour, I couldn’t really say no since I was a sucker for a pouty face. That earned me a laugh and Glimmer told me that she would contact Shimmer, her sister, and tell her that it was time for her shift to start.

Shimmer Shine came in a little later than I would’ve liked, but that gave me plenty of time to show the Crystal Castle cooks how to correctly make some stuff that I planned on putting in basically every confection in the adult side of the party and a couple of the things I thought would be less popular on the kid's side without being bothered or asked what exactly I was doing. I thought it was going to be great, but then again, I’m the fucking greatest anyway, and don’t let anyone ever tell you any different.

With my new attendant by my side, we started working on the decorations and the layout of the party, but when I said that I had no idea what were were supposed to do as far as the color scheme, Shimmer suggested that we represent every country’s flags around the room with the Equestrian one in the middle, and from there, make the adult side of the room have various different types of food based on what flag the tables were under. The kids side would be less adventurous, but would still contain plenty of exotic foods to go along with their buffet. I doubted that a lot of it would be eaten, but still, I wanted everyone to have a taste of something a bit foreign and new while maintaining a certain kind of grandeur that comes with a thing that only happens every four years. I thought it was a little odd that there were Olympic style games that happened every two years, but that one was dedicated to the Ponies and the other was for all races, but that wasn’t really my call. I would’ve much rather been doing the party for the Equus Olympics, but it wasn’t a big deal at the moment.

The kitchens lost a lot of their staff around midnight, but we pretty much had the menu sorted and my notepad was full of things to go over later. Shimmer suggested that we call it a bit early since she thought I might be tired, but I was fine, so I wrote a note to Twilight and told her that I would be heading over soon to give her a kiss goodnight. She wrote back and told me that she waited with baited breathe, so I started getting the seating organized with Shimmer, but we were having some difficulty since we didn’t know which countries liked each other more. However, Glimmer was more acquainted with the relations, so we agreed to go over it with her early in the morning and Shimmer lead me to my room.

My shit was already there, which was nice, but I wanted to take a bath, so I hopped in the shower real quick and got dressed in some regal sleeping clothes that I’d gotten while I was a Baron. With that out of the way, I reached through the dimensions and pulled myself next to Twilight and fell on her bed face first. I’d caused her to make a dark, thick line on the page she was writing on, so she called me a butthead for that, although I still got a kiss on the cheek. I asked her how the first day of the games had gone and she said that Spike had performed his duties perfectly. I accepted that news as it came and asked Twilight if she wanted to cuddle or keep writing. She opted to write hence me writing about this.

We’re sitting here with the lamps on, relaxing and doing whatever, and I can’t help but feel like I’m just… Bored, I guess. I’m terribly disinterested in getting the party put together, but I do like having my pranks and the fun stuff being put together and mixed around. Sure, I lost an entire tree of my weed to my pranks, but still, they’re going to be fucking great. I even made sure that I gave the kitchen staff a special recipe for ‘fancy’ cookies that I wanted every member of royalty to get a piece of. Basically, they were just stuffed with budder, but I hoped that the different tastes and general desire to not offend Celestia would be enough to get them to try the cookies.

Oh boy, is the party going to be fucking hilarious.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Twilight and I didn’t end up sleeping since we both wanted to do a couple hours of spooning before our day got started, so we ended up inhaling a lot of things at breakfast the next day. I wished Rainbow and Fluttershy good luck on their relay race since I would be too busy overseeing the party to attend, but Pinkie promised to tell me how they did after the event, so that was nice. Cadance asked how the party planning was going so far and I told her that I was scheduling meeting with ambassadors from Maretonia, Bridleland, Saddle Arabia, Mexicolt, Ponitaly, Scotchland, Neighpon, and Germaneigh to get their national dishes on the menu. Shining asked if I needed any extra help with anything, which surprised the fuck out of Cadance, Twilight, Noir, Celestia, and myself, of course, so I asked if he would mind helping me set up security for the party, just in case some people had a few too many drinks and couldn’t hold their liquor.

Celestia chastised me for adding liquor to the beverage list in the first place, but I told her that the attendants would make sure that anyone under the drinking age would stay on their side of the room and that those who had clearly had a few drinks would stay on their side. She didn’t give me much trouble after that, though Shining asked why I was inviting trouble via alcohol onto myself and I told him that I just didn’t believe in dry parties. It was supposed to be a celebration after all. He agreed to setting up a few guards in the party room, which meant that there was one less thing I had to worry about, so I thanked him and made another sweet potato get in muh belly.

With breakfast out of the way, I left before anyone else and met Gimmer for the seating arrangements and we got a diagram written down on my notepad. It seemed to work well enough, and since we were going to have the table with the leaders in the middle of the room, we gave them plenty of space so they wouldn’t be bothered by anyone unless they so chose. After the seating arrangements were done, we got the decorators started on their tasks, which was tedious as fuck. Getting things properly aligned was a bitch and a half, but we got it done, and by the time lunch rolled around, Glimmer and I were both ready for a break.

I met with the Royal Family for lunch and I quickly tired of the vegan fare, so I brought out some of my preserved meats and ate that, though Shining took particular interest and asked what kind of fruit looked like a cured piece of venison. Noir told him that it was meat and he looked a little green, so I didn’t bother offering him a piece. My mentor, however, asked for some jerky, so I gave her a few strips to go with her salad and she cut them with her salad before mixing them in. Celestia and Luna weren’t bothered at all, and Cadance just shrugged it off after a moment, but Twilight and Shining lost their appetites, which I apologized for. Twilight told me that it was fine and Shining asked how I could stand to eat another living creature, so I told him that I’d tried talking to it before I killed it and found that it was just another Kendani. I gave him a quick lecture about being an omnivore, and when Celestia and Luna backed me up, he didn't’ have to much to say.

I went back to decorating after lunch, and that was a bitch. Getting the tables and what not set up took time, and getting them dressed up took a little more time, but I was glad that we were nearing the end of the project. Pinkie swung by to tell me that Flutters and Dash took silver in the relay race thing and that Spike made a fucking fool of himself by not knowing the words to Cloudsdale’s anthem. I shook my head at the news and asked if anyone had talked to him yet and she said that she thought he’d done a good job. I rolled my eyes at her and asked Glimmer if she minded taking care of the decorating for a little bit and she agreed. It’s not like she had a fucking reason not to. I mean, we had it planned out already, so all she needed to do was follow the plan and keep things up.

Pinkie led me to Spike’s room and I found the guy packing up for the trip back home. “Oi. Whatcha up to, mate?” I asked, closing the door behind me.

Spike glanced over his shoulder. “Oh, hey Max. I’m just getting packed up, you know?”

“We don’t leave until the day after tomorrow, Spike.” I replied.

“... I wish we would leave a little sooner.” He said softly.

I looked at him and he kept packing. “Talk to me, mate. What’s going on?”

Spike took a deep breath and sighed rather hard. “Dude, I didn’t even light the torch. Twilight lit the torch for me on the opening day, and I thought I could start fires with my mind until she told me!”

I choked down a chuckle. “And? I would’ve thought I could start fires with my mind if someone lit something up with Magic while I was thinking about it.”

Spike sighed again. “I just felt so… Dumb, I guess. Dumb and useless. Then, I just had to try and redeem myself by singing the anthem after Cloudsdale won the relay race and I flubbed that so bad, everypony was laughing at me!”

“Yeah, that one’s pretty bad to be honest with you. If it makes you feel any better, your pants could’ve fallen and they would’ve seen your wang.”

He turned and gave me a look. “I have two, dude.”

I broke out into some giggles. “Mate, I am so calling you Dik-Dik from now on!”

“Please don’t.”

I quelled my laughter. “Alright, since you asked so nicely. Wang-Mang.” I chuckled some more.

He sighed again and I walked over to him, laying a hand on his shoulder. “Look Spike, it might seem bad now, but you’re still the fucking hero of this place. Sure, you flubbed the anthem, but to everyone else, it looks like you got the lamplighting thing done right. Just keep your head up and don’t let a single failure get to you, alright? There’s no point in being down on yourself forever, so bolster yourself against the tides, grab your life by the nuts and tell it that you’re the one in control, not your feelings!”

Spike looked at me like I was fucking crazy or something. “Dude, are you bucking crazy or something?”

“Yes, in a manner of speaking. I’m not the craziest thing out there, but I’m not sane. Don’t let that impede the meaning of my words, however, and take them for what they mean. Don’t let your embarrassment make you feel like shit, mate. Own it and have a laugh at yourself, take the piss with it and don’t let it cause you to feel ashamed, yeah?”

He rubbed his face with a claw and sat on his suitcase. “Heh. Heh heh. I guess when I think of it as somepony else doing it, it’s a little funny.”

“Right? Hell, make it your new thing! Just come up with alternate lyrics to songs and the like and smile all the while!” I patted his shoulder and gave him a grin.

He gave me a small smile in return. “Thanks, Max. You know, Twilight came by and tried to cheer me up, but it just didn’t work. Maybe you’re just better at it.”

I rolled my eyes and smirked at him. “I’m also better at peeing while standing up and writing about sex. Twilight’s good at cheering up girls to be honest with you. Unless you’re lying about have two dicks, then I don’t think she’s going to reach you like I can.”

Spike shook his head. “I’m just glad you’re there for me when Twilight can’t be. It’s nice to have you back, bro.”

“It’s nice to be back. I’ve said it in the past and I’ll say it again: if you ever need anything,” I jerked my thumb toward my chest, “Maximus is the name, and dirty humor is the game.”

Spike laughed and smiled. “Thanks, Max. I think I’ll be just fine.”

I nodded and reached through the dimensions, fishing around for something until I found a decent grip on the box I was try to grab. “Oi, can you send this to Luna for me?”

Spike stared at me. “Uh, dude? Why don’t you just do it?”

“Because she would know if I just dropped it in her lap, duh. With this, I have plausible deniability.”

“Are you trying to get me in trouble?” Spike asked.

“No, I’m trying to make Luna come here and see if she can stick both of your private bits into both of her private bits.”

Spike lit up. “... Luna scares me.”

“She scares me too, which is why I like to laugh at her. Pinkie told me that you should always laugh at things that scare you, and I try to take that to heart.” I said.

“You listen to Pinkie?” Spike asked, shocked.

I gave him a look. “She’s actually rather bright for her level of sanity.”

“If you say so…”

I shrugged. “Anyway. I gotta get back to planning party bullshit. You know how to get ahold of me if you need me.”

“I sure do. See you later, Max.”

I gave him a quick salute and headed off in the general direction of where I’d been. The party room was practically on the other side of the castle, so it took me a good while to get over there, but when I did, I found that Glimmer had gotten a few things wrong with the decorations and corrected those mistakes myself. It took a little time, but after I got it done, we moved on to getting the nonperishable party favours put together in the kitchens and finished getting the flags up where they needed to be. The tables were looking fine, the food stands were properly positioned with equal spaces between them, the drink table was ready for action, the crystalware was clean and looked rather nice, the alcohol selection was perfect, and the menu was looking well put together. Glimmer and I did double checks of everything and realized that we still hadn’t done the music at all, so I sent her off to find a band on short notice, and when she came back a couple of hours later, she told me that she had a few auditions lined up for tonight and a few for the morning.

We went out into the town and saw a band called A Perfect Sphere that did some interesting alternative music that I thought was nice, but I was looking for a more classical vibe. With that one having fell through, we sallied forth and met another band that went by the name of Mum and Sons that was more folky than what we were looking for, so I told them I would keep them in mind for some other kind of party and we kept looking. There was a fellow that went by the name of Gracile Chimpanzee who had some great fucking music, and I do mean that his shit was great. I thought that the Nu Jazz-esque vibe would work wonders for the atmosphere, so I booked him and told him that he could get his equipment to the Crystal Castle sometime before the next day and he told me that he would happily get it over there and set up that very same night.

With the music out of the way, Glimmer went home and Shimmer came by to check on the stuff. She found a few things that needed to be touched up that Glimmer and I hadn’t gotten quite right, but when she took care of things, shit got done correctly and we were done for the day at eleven. I told Shimmer to have a good night and went back to my room for another shower and the usual shit before sending a note off to Twilight. She told me that we actually needed to sleep in separate rooms tonight, so I just sat down at the desk in my room and started writing this entry. I don’t think too much has happened today in the way of interesting events, but tomorrow is promising to be far cooler since I have Celestia and Noir’s fight to look forward to.

That’s all for now, I suppose.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So I got up a little late today since I was fucking tired from having to keep track of all the party bullshit, but I was rather glad that I’d had an assistant to help me get shit done for most of it, even if I was bearing the brunt of the rubbish. Still, it was looking to be a good morning, and that’s all I wanted out of my day, so I got up and headed to breakfast when Glimmer came by to collect me. Crimson, Iron, and Swift cornered me before I could get there and asked for a word, but all they wanted to say was that Guard duty was terribly boring. I still couldn’t really shake the ominous feeling I’d had when we first arrived, so I warned them to keep their eyes peeled, just in case.

We went to breakfast soon after our brief little discussion and it was perfectly fine. The food was decent and the bread was fresh and warm, but my appetite was saving itself for the after party that would be going on later in the day. Unfortunately, despite having finished the preparations for the party a little early, I still didn’t have any free time and was slated to keep an eye on things in the kitchen for the majority of the day and to correct and placement errors with the food on either the kids side or the adult side. It was looking to be a boring day until the final event, but I didn’t particularly care about anything that was going on anyway.

Glimmer handled a few of the tasks that I was supposed to be taking care of while I took the odd break, but in fairness, I gave her just as many breaks as I got so we wouldn’t get burnt out on doing the same bullshit over and over again, and when everything was in place except for the hors d'oeuvres, we took a break together and went to watch the final event since there was nothing else to do. The last thing of the games was an event called ‘Ice Archery’, which was archery with ice arrows that made little to no sense to me. It was pretty impractical if you ask me, but there was apparently a lot of hype behind it because it was so hard to do. In any case, shit went awfully sideways real quick.

The first fews shots of the match went off without a hitch and things were looking just fine from where I was standing, but lo and behold, nothing good ever lasts. Some dumbass misfired terrible and sent an arrow straight up, but no one except for myself really gave a damn about what happened to it. I followed it with my eyes and watched as it hit a cloud, quickly freezing the moisture within and turning the whole damn thing into a iceberg, which really shouldn’t have fucking happened if this world made any kind of sense. Sadly, it tends to not do that at the best of times and at the worst of times, it makes my reality crumble before me, so the next thing I knew, that same iceberg started falling toward the earth rapidly, so I acted on impulse and put myself underneath it on the field. Thoughts raced through my mind and the only thing I could think to do was levitate it, but I couldn’t do so until it was within my range. I got odd looks from onlookers until people realized what I was doing, and when they did, the iceberg had finally gotten everyone’s attention.

I had no idea what to do, but suddenly the idea to use Sombra’s magic came to mind and I stole it from his horn on my belt and creating pillars that would prevent the thing from crashing down on me. When it collided with my four pillars, however, there was a loud shock-wave that sounded throughout the coliseum. I was struggling to keep the pillars intact with my mind, but I had another way to keep it from crushing everyone, so I created one more pillar for myself and got myself into the air until I was high enough to try levitating the hulking mass. It took a good deal of effort without trying, but I managed to get the iceberg off of the pillars and that made me start wondering just how heavy the damned thing actually was and how powerful I’d actually become. However, I didn’t have to worry about the former for long since there was a gout of green flame coming from my right side melting the ice.

Spike had stepped in and was helping me with the former cloud, and after a few more seconds, there were gouts of black, golden, and blue flame from different directions that told me that told me Celestia, Noir, and Luna were all pitching in as well, which I found to be incredibly useful. I couldn’t let my magic up, however, since Noir told me that they were going to stop until they got the water to evaporate, so I ended up holding the water that was left over with my Telekinesis for a few minutes while they got the cloud to go back to being a cloud. Thankfully I was far enough away to avoid being soaked, and it didn’t hurt that everyone was doing their best to avoid singing me, so that was nice.

When all of that was finished, I started lowering my pillars of crystal back into the ground from whence they came, and when I had my feet on the ground once more, the earth had covered itself up and the field looked like nothing had happened at all. Spike ran over to me and gave me a man-hug that I happily returned, and when Celestia, Luna, and Noir came over, I hugged each of them in turn since they’d done a good deal of saving the day themselves. However, the only hand I lifted in victory was Spike, and that was because I felt like he could use the confidence boost. The crowd had been silent for the most part except for some excited babbling up until then, and when I lifted my little brother’s arm, they erupted in cheers and I gave him a smile. The bystanders chanted his name and totally ignored me, but I didn’t care all that much in the moment. I was just glad that my quick thinking had saved some lives and all that.

Celestia took the time to make an impromptu announcement that thanked me for my quick thinking, though when she mentioned my name, I noticed that none of the Crystal Ponies in the crowd seemed all that excited since I wasn’t an established race. When Celestia thanked Spike and Noir for helping melt the iceberg, however, they received an ovation from everyone. I couldn’t care much less about getting praise for doing the right thing, but it’s not like the crowd hadn’t gone fucking wild for me as well. Again, it was just the Crystal Cunts that chose to ignore the fact that I’d quite possibly saved their lives.

Before Celestia ended her speech, she mentioned that there would be a final event unlike any of the others in the competition, and that it would be a full on sword-fight. There were murmurs in the crowd referring to what the bloody fuck she was talking about, but when Celestia said that she herself would be participating in the event, the crowd went wild all over again and she waved a hand before teleporting to a ring in the middle of the field. I was already present, so no one had to come and get me or anything, so that was nice. When Noir rose from Celestia’s shadow, there were shouts of treachery until Noir walked around to look Celestia in the eye from a respectable distance away. The two giantesses both held their right hands out to their sides, and with a second of each other, their preferred blades appeared in their hands.

With Celestia wielding the hand-and-a-half Sunlight Blade and Noir wielding the two-handed Mordemor, Noir had the advantage on reach, but in a normal fight, Celestia would have a speed advantage. The thing was, I had no clue if Celestia was even as good a fighter as Luna was, so this was going to be an interesting bout to watch. When both ladies discarded their scabbards, they looked in my general direction and with my enhanced perception, I noticed that they were actually looking at me. Then again, Luna was standing right next to me, so she offered me her hand and teleported us both into the middle of the ring, standing between Noir and Celestia. I looked at them both and approached Celestia while Luna approached Noir.

“Celestia. Are you prepared for combat?” I asked, looking up to the taller woman.

Celestia nodded. “I am prepared.”

“Then fight to your heart’s content.” I smirked.

I backed off a couple of steps and Noir told me to approach her as well, so I went over and asked, “Noir. Are you prepared for combat?”

Noir nodded. “I am prepared.”

“Then fight to your heart’s content.” I gave her a shit-eating grin.

I met Luna in the center of the ring and she suddenly pointed off to her left, my right. I raised my left hand and pointed in the opposite direction ,and with that, we left the ring to stand on either side. Luna called out the terms of the fight officially “Three full strikes or three hard falls, no mixing, no matching. If either contestant is held to blade, then the contest is over. If there is a deadlock, then both parties may request a break. If both parties hold each other at blade, then there will be a call to reset and each contestant will meet one of the judges. Surrendering is an option, though cheating by using magic will be witnessed by all and will be called out as such. With that being said, on the count of three, you may begin.”

Luna looked to me and I began the count. “One!” Small pause.

“Two!” Another pause.

“Three!” I bellowed from the top of my lungs.

And so they met in the middle with a clash of blades that had been rather simple for me to follow. I could easily tell that Celestia and Noir were obviously showing incredible amounts of restraint in that moment, and that neither of them felt like doing so. Celestia had thrown a diagonal slash that came from the high left and Noir parried it with a well practiced upward slice of her own, making Celestia back off a little. However, that didn’t keep her away for long since Celestia came in for a slightly faster thrust that Noir dodged by swaying quickly, and from that movement, Noir threw a heavy-looking overhead, slash that Celesia blocked with both hands. Now seems like a good time to mention that both of them were only using one hand for their swords at pretty much any given moment beside for blocking or parrying, and it didn’t surprise me in the slightest.

Noir and Celestia backed off of each other and circled quickly, both of them dropping their guards to walk faster, but neither of them saying so much as a word. Suddenly, like someone had dropped a match onto a pool of petrol, the action ignited once more and Noir made the first strike, coming out of the gate with a two-handed horizontal slash that had gotten a bit harder to follow from the sheer speed at which she threw it. However, Celestia had evidently seen it coming and parried with a hard upward cut that brought Noir’s sword to shoulder level, but Noir utilized the momentum to come at her with a diagonal slash that Celestia parried with a rising one of her own. The ring of metal against metal was painful music to my ears, and the dance of their blades was truly a sight to behold, and for the first round, neither of them had gotten terribly serious. To put it into perspective, if they were fighting at their current levels against me, I would most likely win, but I knew for a fact that both of them had more to give. Noir had it in spades, but Celestia was the unknown here.

Luna called a break after a two minute bout and Noir came over to me quickly, holding Mordemor over her shoulder. “Celestia is a far better opponent than I previously believed her to be. There is no mistake that she is more capable than Luna.”

I grinned. “So what? Are you going to lose to some pumped-up kid that’s only two-thirds your age?”

Noir smiled darkly. “We will step our game up in the second round. You will see a true fight from here on.”

My mentor turned around and we looked over to see that Celestia and Luna were preparing to get ready, so I jumped and patted Noir’s shoulder. “Go get em’, tiger!”

Noir turned slightly and gave me a nod. “It will begin on your call.”

With that in mind, I waited until Celestia turned around and finished rolling her wrist with her blade in hand to shout, “Begin!”

And just like that, Noir kicked up a cloud of dust that I had to wave out of my face, but I could still see sparks fly from her collision with Celestia. It was an impressive go, and when they broke apart, they matched each other perfectly. They’d sped up considerably, and every time one of them threw a blow that would have cleaved a competent sword-fighters head from their shoulders, the other met it with a blow that would have done the same. The crowd roared on in support of Celestia against the unknown Alicorn, and when Celestia scored the first blow against Noir, I was ever so tempted to tell her to get her head out of her arse and into the game. I felt like an oppressive parent that just wanted their kid to well in sportsball, but I really just didn’t want to see my Mistress lose, and when Noir sent out a blindingly quick thrust that scored on Celestia’s shoulder, it proved that Noir could go tit for tat since Celestia’s cut had been in the same place.

They backed off of each other after that, and when they each put both of their hands on their blades, I knew that the fecal matter had just gotten awfully tangible, which probably would’ve given a warmonger wood if he knew the calibre of the women dueling. Noir opened the next clash with a salvo of overhead and diagonal slashes that comboed well into horizontal slashes and rising vertical cuts that kept Celestia on her toes- Er, the tips of her hooves, I guess. There didn’t seem to be an end in sight for Noir’s onslaught, but without warning, Celestia parried with force and Noir took but a second to recover. However, a second was all that Celestia needed to capitalize, and from there, she almost started pushing Noir back, but the only thing that seemed to make Noir give ground in any fashion was when Celestia thrusted and tried to alter the path of her blade from forward to horizontal. On her second attempt of that tactic, or rather, on her third thrust, Noir blocked the tip with the flat of her blade and actually started pushing Celestia back, her hooves creating furrows in the grass, opening it up to dirt. The white mare glared hard and set her jaw as she set her hooves in place, ceasing the movement, but my mentor had another idea.

With a flick of her wrist, Celestia practically fell forward since the tip of her blade no longer had any kind of purchase on Noir’s, and my mentor looped her sword around and brought it rather close to Celestia’s face, damn near taking one of her cheeks off, but the Solar Diarch twisted out of the way and avoided being mutilated. However, she’d lost a little of the fur on her face. Celestia grew a little frustrated with the Amazon and stood up. If she wasn’t already white, I’m sure her knuckles would have been on her blade. Celestia and Noir circled each other slowly, but this time around, they possessed a certain kind of near-feline grace that spoke volumes of their experience in combat, of their willingness to end lives by the tip of a blade. Chills ran down my spine as I watched them and I couldn’t help but feel a little giddy, but before they could clash, Luna announced the end of the second round and the two warriors came back to their corners.

I looked at Noir and she looked at me, but there was nothing that needed to be said. She was finally serious. She wasn’t in a blood-rage or going berserk or anything of the like, but she’d finally gotten serious. Don’t mistake that for Noir being at her most dangerous, however, since she had plenty more to give if she decided to get reckless, but at the same time, understand that I would have been killed in the second round with the assaults that she and Celestia had thrown at each other. I was willing to bet that the next round would be practically invisible to the average person’s eye, but all that mattered to me was that I finally get to witness Noir fighting someone at the top of her game, that she draw the line in the sand as being the strongest Alicorn.

I could actually feel a stirring in my loins. It was some weird shit.

When Noir and Celestia faced each other, the crowd roared once more, but I waited for the calm to initiate the storm. “Begin!” I shouted as loud as I could.

Befre I’d even gotten the last syllable out, they were already at it, this time, both of them kicking up clods of dirt and grass before they met in mid air. This was no longer a simple contest. The final strike would be one that could end a life, and that in itself was pure excitement, distilled from two worthy combatants that’d had thousands of years to hone their craft. The ring of steel against steel rang clearly throughout the entire stadium, so loudly that I had to cover my ears from fear of being deafened, but I couldn’t afford to close my eyes for even a second unless I wanted to miss the grandest fight of my life. Noir and Celestia landed simultaneously after pushing off of each other, but they didn’t stay on the ground long. It didn’t take a genius to know that they were officially going at it as hard as they could without using magic, techniques, or bloodlust to back up their swing, but I was still incredibly honored to be witnessing such a fight from up close.

Noir and Celestia landed once more and began battling around the ring, actually making a circle that lit up with sparks as they moved. The crowd was abuzz with murmurs of shock and awe, and when they came to bear in front of me, I backed off to avoid getting hit by one of Noir’s long sword strokes, though one thing was clear to me that I believed Luna could see as well: Noir was in serious mode, but Celestia was using more of her power than her opponent was and that disappointed me a bit. I wanted to see Noir absolutely throw away her desire to match her opponent, but I knew that she was enjoying the fight more than I was, so I held my tongue and watched as their blades shimmered in the broad daylight, each of them a flurry of motion that I could keep up with, but just barely.

Just when I was thinking that Noir was going to let it keep going just so she could enjoy the fight, I felt the air cool as if an unseen breeze was coming through the stadium. I’d felt that same breeze once before while training with Noir, but I hadn't realized what it was until just then. The breeze was Noir ticking into the upper echelons of her power. A similar feeling, but one of a warm radiance came and I recognized it as Celestia herself reaching for more strength, and as the feelings battled back and forth on my skin, so did the women they were emanating from. Their blades were heat waves in the air to the average observer, but to me, they were crystal clear, sharpened and in focus more than they had been before. It felt as though time slowed down in the ring, and as Celestia and Noir each threw vertical slashes at each other, I saw Noir pull a trump card move as she twisted her hips and turned her vertical swing into a diagonal one flawlessly. Before Celestia could regain her balance, Noir backed up slightly and the tip of her blade came rather close to the white woman’s throat.

They stood there, both of them panting gently as Celestia summoned her sheath and stowed The Sunlight Blade. Noir summoned her own sheath a few moments later and stowed Mordemor before coming closer to Celestia. When she was about a meter away from her, Noir knelt down and presented her sword to Celestia who took the opportunity to unsheathe her own blade and tap either side of Noir’s shoulders.

“Rise, Noir of Equestria.” Celestia said, her voice magically amplified.

Noir rose. “You have bested me in a contest of strength, and as a reward for this feat, I offer to you the position of General within Equestria’s armies. Should you choose to accept, you will be knighted and as a Knight of The Dawn, your blade will not serve my own purposes, but Equestria’s.” Celestia announced.

Noir was silent for a moment. “I will accept the position of General, but I refuse your offer to be a Knight of The Dawn.”

There were gasps and shouts of outrage from the crowd, but when Celestia raised her hand for silence, it came quickly. “I understand. Do you wish to be knighted under another member of The Equestrian Royal Family?” Celestia asked, fully expecting my mentor’s answer.

Noir turned to face me and Luna came to Celestia’s side, all three of the most powerful Alicorns giving me their full attention. “Prince Maximus. Come forth.” Celestia requested. I say request, I mean demand.

I strode forth confidently and stopped about two-thirds of a meter from Noir. Celestia joined my side and whispered some instructions to me, so I followed them. “Kneel, Noir of Equestria.”

Noir took a step closer to me and I smiled down at her. She wasn’t much shorter than me, even on one knee, so I said, “I’m going to need you to stop being so much taller than me.”

Noir chuckled. “I am your mentor, Maximus. You are supposed to look up to me.”

The crowd gasped at the ‘juicy bit of gossip’ (Glimmer’s words, not mine) and I reached through the dimensions to grab my Kopis. “Soon-to-be General Noir. Do you wish to be knighted under your humble, modest, and frankly handsome pupil?”

Celestia nudged me and I gave her a smile while Noir scoffed. “Handsome is a stretch, but yes, I do.”

The crowd gasped again. “Ow, my pretty, pretty feelings.” I drew my blade. “Noir. My mentor, my friend, my confidant. I knight you under the Flag of Equestria through the authority given to me by Princess Celestia and Princess Luna.” I tapped both of her shoulders gently with the back of my blade. “From this point forward, you will be known as both a General and a Knight of Guile. If you would present your blade.” Noir lifted Mordemor and I prepared my Seal. When I was finished, she unsheathed a portion of her claymore and I placed my seal near the hilt. “May you bear my Seal whenever trouble arises, and may you never have to worry about actually having to use it. I’m sure most Ponies are going to recognize you anyway, seeing as how you’re an Alicorn, but I digress. Rise, Noir of Equestria, and let me give you a congratulatory hug.”

Noir rolled her eyes and rose, but she kept herself at eye level to give me a hug, which was nice. The bystanders cheered, and when Noir looked to Celestia for approval, the shorter woman also gave her a hug. Luna was the last in line, but Noir still got another hug from her, and with that out of the way, I levitated myself a bit off of the ground until Noir pushed me back down. I crossed my arms and glared up at her, but she just wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me in for a side hug that was rather nice.

The last event had gone off smoothly, but the bad feeling I’d had came to a head out of the fucking blue when a giant cube appeared in the middle of the stadium. An ugly looking motherfucker with a goatee in a chair that seemed to be made out of leather waved at everyone and sipped a cuppa, except the cup disappeared down his throat instead of the tea, leaving him with a handful of liquid suspended in mid-air. My skin erupted in goosebumps and I turned to look at Noir who was bearing her teeth in an animalistic way that made me fear for that shitwad’s life, but when I realized that I was most likely looking at Discord himself, I felt a similar fury rise up from my stomach. Sadly, there was nothing I could do at the moment, but still.

“Greetings, Ponies, from the wonderful land of Zhongguo! I msut say, the food here is simply di~vine, but that’s not the reason I’ve come calling. I must say, that little scrap between two of my top four favourite ruling Ponies was something else! I bet most of you didn’t even see the last round, no?” He waited for a response, but there was nothing doing. “Ah, well, I suppose I can get to the point of my little appearance. As some of you little guttersnipes may know, I’ve been reformed by the Elements of Harmony, though it’s mostly been the work of Fluttershy.” He looked off in a random direction and waved. “However, I get bored, and for the past few years, I’ve been REALLY bored. I mean, who can play Mr. Nice Guy all the time? Am I right, Max?”

“Go fuck yourself.” I replied.

“Such language!” Discord pretended to be offended. “You know, it’s swear words like those that make me want to have a nice little war in the first place. Well, that, and I’m just really bored. I’ll tell you what.” He smacked his lips and flowers started falling from the cube. “Why don’t I tell you where my armies are?” He smiled maniacally. “Everywhere. The rules of engagement will be given to your rulers as I see fit, and if those rules are broken, then I’ll step in and even the playing field, and as one of the oldest beings on the planet… Well, let’s just say that I know how to ‘take care’ of other immortals.” He tapped his chin. “I suppose I could let Luna participate in the skirmishes as long as she promises not to use magic.” Luna seethed silently. “However, I think I’ll allow both of the Princes to do as they please.” He chuckled. “It’s not like either of them are particularly worthwhile anyway. I mean, one had a rod so far up his rear that it comes out of his mouth and the other used to be some street urchin thief!” Discord had himself a laugh. “Oh dear, it’s funny to know that my opposition is going to be so meager.”

I was fucking pissed.

Discord stroked his goatee. “As for you, my sweet, sweet Noir, I do believe that I’ll allow you to fight as you please. Consider it a reward for finally making it back into the realm of the living, though I still don’t know how you managed that. I mean, I could just pop in and steal that information from your mind, but what fun would that be? I think I’ll just ask the next time our paths cross.”

Noir’s hair whipped around her body in a torrent of flames, her eyes smouldering and her wings flared, prepared to launch herself at the target above. I could feel myself vibing off of Noir’s anger through our connection, and that anger was so potent, I could practically taste the blood I hungered for. This absolute bastard had stolen four thousand years from Noir. He’d stolen her people, her sister, and her very own body. In comparison, he’d just killed me a few times, but I wasn’t exactly ‘happy’ about that either. No, Noir, Luna, Celestia, and I were all out for blood, and we would receive what we wanted, one way or another

Discord looked directly at us and smiled brightly. “Until we meet again, Ponies. Human. I’m sure we’ll all have quite the time.”

Without further ado, Discord snapped his finger and the cube screen disappeared. Twilight teleported to my side and shook me, so I looked at her. “Max? D-Did Discord just say that there was going to be a war?”

I nodded. “I’m going to take him. His arse is mine.” I said venomously.

Celestia looked at me. “Maximus, you need to start training Adstus. Now.”

I nodded again. “Training starts when we get home. Do your damage control for now.”

“I will. Go keep the party up and running for later tonight. I don’t want anyone panicking about this.”

“Will do.” I turned to Noir and touched her arm. “Blackberry.”

She was still glaring evilly at the space the cube had occupied.

“Noir, he’s gone. We’ll have our chance at him soon, okay? Just keep calm and try not to explode.”

She turned her gaze to me and I winced. “Kill it with fire[.”

I held her arm firmly. “We will. I’ll cast him into the Goddamn sun myself, Blackberry.”

She panted heavily, her breathing evening out. I gave her a quick hug and lead Twilight to the party room, answering a flurry of questions as we walked. She asked how long I’d known that Discord was planning a war, how she’d not known, why it had been a secret, and if he was actually being serious. My answers were: for months, a spell, so it wouldn’t cause mass panic, and yes, he was. Twilight didn’t like my answers at all, but when we got to the party room, I told her to try and do some damage control with the citizens of Ponyville and she went off to go do so. Glimmer numbly helped me keep the party up and running for a few hours until she collapsed out of nowhere and I forced her to have a seat and a glass of water. The woman had apparently had just about enough bullshit for the day, so I told her that she could go home if she really wanted to, but she denied the fact that she was worn out and stuck by me until it was time for the party.

The party itself was reserved until people started getting drunk and high at the same time. The kids side was pretty mellow compared to the adult’s tables, which I found to be hilarious. Celestia accused me of drugging every official at the party and I admitted that I did, but we both agreed that everyone needed to relax for a while and forget that war had just been declared against us. Well, we agreed until Celestia got a few of the cookies that I’d intended for the rulers and got incredibly high. She was leaned back in her chair for a little bit, dazed and confused, so I poked and prodded her for awhile as she weakly tried to bat my hands away. Noir got a few of the cookies as well, but she had a lot more fun with it and stroked Cadance’s hair as Cadance did the same to hers. Shining didn’t like cookies, but the brownies were laced nearly as heavily too, so he still got rather high, so I talked to him for a little bit and he was actually a rather relaxed high-guy.

I had a chance to talk to the King-person of Maretonia and he was a prick, so I’ll skip the conversation with him. The Chancellor of Germaneigh was a blatant racist, which I thought was very tasteless as far as the German stereotype went. I mean, I was pretty sure that he was also kinky as fuck, but the ~~leiderhosen~~- ~~leederhosen~~- lederhosen was a little much for me. The guy from Ponitaly was so stereotypically Italian that I felt like he was going to make me chicken parmesan at any given moment, but when I met him at the Neighponese food table he seemed like a nice enough fellow.

The rest of the party is a little hazy since I was happily munching on baked good with plenty of extra goodness inside, but I’m sure it was nice. I’ve finaloly sobered up enough to write this down, and with Twilight passed out in a super-high stupor, I think it’s best to get a few more thoughts jotted down. The fight between Celestia and Noir was the best I’ve ever seen, hands down, but the thing that happened after that worried the fuck out of me. We don’t know when Discord’s going to move, and since Celestia and Luna have already gone back home to Canterlot to start getting a standing army prepped for action, there isn’t much I can do right now. Noir’s going to be riding home with me, but when we get back, she’ll be heading to Canterlot to fulfill her duties as a general, which means that I’ve got a lot of work to do. I really do hope that things work out better than they have previously, but you just never know.

Let’s hope there isn’t any extra bullshit that goes down any time soon, yeah?? I think we’ve officially got a big enough mountain on our plates as is.

Author's Note

This chapter was pretty fun to write, but the fight scene between Noir and Celestia was easily my favourite part. I've wanted to do that for some time now, and I'm glad that it turned out the way that it did.

On another note, What does horse pussy taste like? Taco Bell? Slim-Jims? Why do horses smell like Slim-Jims anyway?

As Always, Party Hardy

Stay Cool, Kids

Chapter Fifty: The Covenant
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Fifty: The Covenant

Chapter Fifty: The Covenant

So the morning after my party, I learned that it had been a blowout success and that I now had fans of all kinds, but Twilight was mostly cursing me for making sure that she was still higher than a cloud when she woke up. I found that to be amusing to no end, but it got her mind off of the impending war, so I considered it a net positive. However, my nice feeling didn’t last all that long since Shining Armour came into her room and stared me down until I offered to leave. He didn’t stop staring until I was actually gone. When I went back to my room, I found that my door was open, and moments later he teleported into my room, still pissed.

“What were you doing in Twilight’s room?” He seethed.

“...Waking up?” I scratched my head. “Look, Shining, all we did was sleep-”

“I put you two in separate rooms for a reason.” He said, his voice low.

I sighed. “You know we’re engaged, right?”

“Oh, trust me, I’m well aware of that. I’m not happy about it, but I’m well aware of it.”

“Then how do you you expect us to be okay with spending so much time apart? It’s only natural that Twilight and I want to see each other, and in the two days we’ve been here, we’ve only been allowed to see each other for meals outside of sleeping in the same bed. You can’t tell me that you would be just fine with being separated from Cadance like that.”

He set his jaw. “When I put you two in separate rooms, I expected you to stay in those separate rooms.”

I shrugged. “I didn’t mean it as a slight to you, I just wanted to spend my free time with the woman I love most in this world. Seriously, Twilight keeps me sane, and that’s not an exaggeration.”

Shining didn’t seem to care. “If you didn’t mean to offend me, then why did you go to her room; something I practically forbid you to do?”

“Love.” I answered simply.

“You can’t bear to be apart from Twilight for two days!?” He shouted suddenly.

“Not if I don’t absolutely have to. When I went to Canterlot to train for a month, I had to, and not being able to contact her for three and a half weeks broke me down mentally. When I went into the Everfree to learn how to use my True Magic, it was so I could help defeat Discord, so I didn’t really have much of a choice there either, and that drove me partially insane as well. I don’t like being apart from Twilight. In fact, it’s one of the things I hate the most in this world.”

Shining glared at me. “So you’re practically dependant on her.”

I pursed my lips off to the side. “Not practically.”

We stood in silence for awhile until Shining said, “I heard what my father did to you while you were training with him.”

“Did you now.” I wasn’t asking.

He nodded solemnly. “Yes, I did.”

There was more silence between us for a minute or so. “Is there anything you want to add to that, Shining? I’m not surprised that you heard-”

“Did you hold back because of Twilight?” He interrupted.

I nodded. “It was a part of our agreement. She asked me not to retaliate against Night light and I asked for her hand in marriage.”

Shining’s jaw worked an interesting pattern. “So you asked my sister to marry you in exchange for not beating up my Dad?”

I nodded. “It’s worth every second of what Night Light put me through.”

“You’re not fighting for Equestria.”

“No. I’m not.”

“... It’s always been for Twilight, hasn’t it?”

“Ever since she swore to never betray me. Everything I’ve done for Celestia or Equestria has been for her.”

Shining stared at me. “... How did ending up back on your home world affect you?”

“I had nightmares until I finally came back to Twilight. It frayed my tenuous bond with sanity.”

“But what did you feel when you realized that two years had passed since you’d been gone?” He asked firmly.

“Hatred. I made Twilight wait for me, alone. I didn’t even wait half as long as she did to be reunited with her.” I said bitterly, my lip curling.

“... You haven’t let that go, have you?” Shining asked.

I ground my teeth together. “I don’t need a lecture from one of the people that’s been holding it against me since I got back.”

Shining and I stopped talking for a few minutes. He sighed heavily. “Maybe it’s time I stop holding that against you.”

“... It would mean more to Twilight than it would to me. I don’t need you to like me, but she wants you to.” I replied.

He nodded slowly. “I never was all that fond of you, but… You really do love her, and I can’t deny that. At this point, holding this grudge against you just makes Cadance unhappy, and I know Twilight hates that we fight whenever we see each other.”

“I’m not exactly fond of being at odds with you either, Shining. Even if I think you are a bit of a straight-laced dummy-head, I can’t deny that you’re a good soldier. I’d rather have you as an ally than an enemy.”

“We’re already allies-”

“We stand on shaky ground as it is.” I cut in. “We might be allies, but we’re not friends, mate. In the coming war, we need to be on the same page.”

“And we will be. Your tactics are strange and unorthodox and mine are pretty much by the book, but I’m sure that finding a happy medium will be key in winning this fight.” He said resolutely.

I nodded. “You take the open land conflicts, keep a phalanx in mind and I’ll handle the guerilla stuff. I was rather fond of reading about jungle warfare and the like when I was in between jobs on Earth, so I know a few tactics that might win us an advantage.”

Shining and I met in the middle of the room to shake hands. “... No hard feelings?” He asked.

“Just remember that I’d win a fight between us.” I smirked.

He gave me a look. “Nopony’s here right now. We can see-” I threw two punches on either side of his head as fast as I could, “Nevermind.”

“Remember, I was trained by Noir and Luna. I’d better be lethal.”

“Noted. So… I’m just going to go spend some time with my wife.” He gestured behind him with a thumb.

“I’m going to go see my fiance before breakfast.” I declared.

He pursed his lips and nodded. “... I still like the ring you gave her.”

“Good taste is an inborn art.” I gave him a small smile.

He rolled his eyes and cracked a smile. “We might not be friends, but I think we might be able to get there.” He turned to leave.

I put a hand on his shoulder before he could go. “Wait. Before you head out, I have a question.”

I removed my hand and he turned to face me. “Ask away, I guess.”

“What’s with the sudden change of heart? You’ve been acting kinda nice since I got here.”

Shining blushed a bit and scratched his cheek. “Well… I kinda stuck you with the whole party thing, and I knew that you were going to hate it. That and Cadance has been riding me pretty hard about being nicer to to you since you really haven’t done anything besides be snarky when I get hostile.”

“So you finally came to your senses?” I jibed.

He glared. “That’s when you’re supposed to say something nice about Cadance.”

I shrugged. “Cadance knows she’s my second favourite Princess. I don’t feel the need to shower her with praise like I do with Twilight.”

Shining frowned. “It wouldn’t hurt if you gave her a few more compliments.”

I rolled my eyes. “Tell her I said thank you for being compassionate, patient, and intellectually sound for me, if that’s how you’re going to be.”

“Are you just saying that, or do you actually mean it?”

I shook my head. “If I was just playing around, I would’ve asked you to thank her for looking good and having a sweet arse.” I said solemnly.

Shining gave me a look. “Did you just say my wife is pretty and has a nice flank?”

I raised my hands and backed up a step. “In my defense, both of those statements are completely and utterly true.”

“... I’ll tell her both of your messages, if you don’t mind. I think the second ones will make her happy in a different way.” He blushed.

“... Don’t you find it a little weird that your wife defends me so adamantly? I mean, I’ll happily compliment Cadance until she withers away into dust, but don’t you think that’s a little strange?”

Shining looked at the door and magicked it closed before encasing us in a bubble. He seemed rather nervous, but he still spoke thusly. “Look, what I’m about to tell you doesn’t leave the bubble, okay?”

I raised a brow. “Starting off our newfound peace with secrets, are we?” He gave me a pleading look. “Alright mate, I’m listening. This doesn’t leave the bubble.”

He took a deep breath. “Cadance wants to have you… Well, she wants to have you. Do you know what I’m saying?”

I suppressed a smile. “I could’ve gleaned that, but why me in particular?”

Shining looked very uncomfortable. “Well, Cadance has always been torn between guys like me and guys like you, to be honest. She likes the bad-colt thing you have going on, but she loves the good guy thing that I do.”

“You are a pretty straight-and-narrow kinda guy. So what do you want me to do about that? Do you want me to talk to her and turn her down or something-”

“No! I don’t want her to know that I told you about it! It’s just that… If she comes onto you, just don’t be surprised, okay? I don’t mind sharing her with one other Pony since you’re the only one she’s interested in, but… I can’t really ask you to reciprocate.” He made a face.

“Yeah, don’t sleep with your sister, mate. To be honest with you, Cadance already offered to let me do a few things with her as long as I let her know before I start doing it. I haven’t done anything since I didn’t want to ruin our already shitty relationship, but if I have your blessing, then I just need to run it by Twilight to see if she’s okay with it.”

Shining breathed a sigh of relief. “I don’t think you’re going to have too much luck there. Twilight sees Cadance like a big sister after all!” He smiled wide.

I looked around for a second and pursed my lips. “... Twily doesn’t see Cadance as a sister, does she?” Shining asked.

“Honestly? I don’t get their relationship at all,” I admitted, “but I know they love each other in ways that are hard to tell you about since you’re kinda connected to both of them in very deep, meaningful ways.”

“... Please don’t tell me my sister has slept with my wife.” Shining said blankly.

I shrugged and made a ‘What can you do?’ kinda face and Shining turned bright red, covering his face with both hands. “Oh dear Celestia, somepony tell me that you’re lying. Somepony- Anypomy!”

“Sorry mate.” I patted his shoulder consolingly.

He groaned and paused mid-way through it. “Wait.”

I winced. “I’m waiting.”

“... I swear to everything you hold dear, if you tell me that it was when I caught you doing it with Cadance…” Shining looked at me.

I cleared my throat and looked away.

“Oh for crying out loud!” He moaned.

“Oi! I didn’t say anything!”

He hit my arm. “Then why did you let me think that!? That would mean I saw my sisters stuff!”

It was my turn to do an impression of Macintosh. “That would seem to be the case. You know, if that was the case.”

Shining wiped his brow. “You suck, you know that?”

“I’ve been told similar things on multiple occasions. You know, the one time I did suck, Dusk Shine really did appreciate it.”

He looked at me. “I beg your pardon.”

I gave him a dirty grin. “Wanna hear about the time I changed into a girl and sucked a guy off?”

Shining Armour made a face. “Why would you want to change into a girl? And why would you want to do that anyway?”

“Twilight asked me to be a girl and she wanted to try sex-”

He clapped his hands over his ears. “Not listening anymore! Nope! I’m not dealing with that mental image!”

I patted his back and waited for him to uncover his ears. “If it’s all the same to you, I’m gonna go say good morning to Twilight.’

“... Yeah. I’ll tell Cadance you said thanks and gave her some nice words.”

I nodded and headed back towards my bags. “See ya, Shiny.”

“Don’t call me Shiny.” He replied before closing the door.

With Shining gone, I took the time to get dressed, but instead of wearing one of my other suits, I went with the Adstus one since I was officially on watch for suspicious business, and when I was done, I packed my bags and sent them off to my house so I wouldn’t have to deal with them later. Once I’d gotten everything home, I pulled myself to Twilight’s side and finally managed to stick a landing, something I found to be a landmark in my development of my True Theft. I reached into my chest and high fived the power itself since I thought it was that important when I was in Twilight’s room and I heard her shower going which reminded me that I hadn't taken one yet this morning. I was pretty sure that I’d gotten it done last night while I was still nice and high, so I wasn’t too worried about it. It’s not like my hair had gotten greasy or anything, which meant that I could skip it for the day.

Twilight eventually came out of her temporary restroom with nothing but a towel and when she realized that she had company, she froze until she realized that it was me. She gave me a look before going back into the loo, shutting the door behind her rather firmly to signal that I wasn’t welcome in there, but I could deal with that since I didn’t want to get undressed, which was the main reason I didn’t bother with the shower. When she came back out, she was fully dressed, though her hair was still a little damp. I reminded her that she would have wet spots on her dress and she told me rather than asked me to brush her hair. I warned her that I wouldn’t exactly take kindly to being given orders and she warned me that she wouldn’t take kindly to being drugged again, but when I asked her if she’d had a good time, she said that she had up until her fourth cookie, which was when the first one started kicking in and the brownies she’d had beforehand started showing their true colors.

Okay, so I may have incentivized Twilight to eat more of my snacks than I should have.

I combed through her hair before getting her brush, and when Cadance walked in with a face that spoke volumes, I just gave her a quick wave. “Hullo, Candy Arse”

She closed the door behind her. “Max! I can’t believe you confirmed that Shining caught us having sex!”

Twilight choked on her saliva. “Wait, what!?”

“Don’t worry, Cherry. He left the room thinking he didn’t see anything on you.” I said like a fucking idiot.

Twilight turned her head and I tried to stay behind her, be she eventually just floated me around to look at me. “Maximus, what did you just say?”

“Don’t worry?” I tried.

My fiance’s face was bright red. “I swear to the Heavens that I will beat and abuse you if you tell me that you told my brother that I was the other pony in the room that time.”

“I didn’t tell him that. I didn’t lie about it, but I didn’t say that you were and you want me to be more honest right? And that means that I need to be honest, especially when it means-” Twilight got up and hit me rather hard. “Ow! Stop before you actually start breaking stuff!”

“Max, you- you- you arse!” Twilight cried.

Cadance came over and hit the other arm. “What were you thinking, Max!? Of all the times to start lying about things, that would have been the perfect time!”

“I’m not the one who forgot to lock the door! You had magic! You should’ve done it!” I argued.

Cadance hit me again. “Don’t try to place the blame elsewhere! Now I have to deal with the fact that Shining saw Twilight’s-”

Twilight gagged. “Oh-my-gosh-oh-my-gosh-oh-my-gosh! I can’t believe my brother saw my marehood!” Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh, your suffering is delicious.

She and Cadance shivered hard and I kept my face nice and placid since I didn’t want to get hit again. “Let’s all agree to share the blame equally for not locking the door in the first place, yeah?”

I got hit twice for that. “You’re the stallion! Those kinds of things are your responsibility!” Twilight objected.

“Seriously? That’s a load of bullshit!” I levitated her and flipped her upside down. “Everyone here had a chance to lock that door and no one did! Hell, you weren’t even participating for the first part, so it should’ve been on your checklist or something!”

Twilight blushed and flipped me upside down too. “Are you really going to try and shovel the blame onto an innocent little filly like me?”

Cadance scoffed. “I knew you when you were an innocent little filly, and eating Max’s stuff out of me was not something an innocent little filly would do!”

Twilight spluttered and I righted her while I snickered. “She’s got you there, Cherry.”

Cadance turned me around. “Getting back onto topic: when did you and Shining get so buddy-buddy?”

“This morning, right after he realized a thing that I’m not going to tell you about.” I replied cryptically.

The taffy toned Princess gave me a look. “Right. So you’re just magically friends now.”

Twilight coughed and tugged at the collar of her dress.

Cadance and I stared at her. “... Are you fucking serious, Twilight?” I asked.

“W-Well, my Magic doesn’t work if there’s nothing there, so I figured it was worth a shot.” She said quietly.

Cadance looked at me. “Are you implying that this is a bad thing?”

“I’m implying that altering minds is some seriously dark shit.” I replied, disgruntled.

Twilight gave me a fretful look. “You really can’t say anything. I did it to one pony and you did it to five hundred million, but who even knows how many now!”

I winced and Cadance frowned. “What you did and what Max did aren’t even the same thing at all.”

“They’re awfully similar. You used magic to make someone change their mind, and that’s the gist of what I did. The only difference is that I gave orders and I’m guessing your magic works by suggestion.” I said critically.

Twilight and Cadance both looked away. “...It’s an absolute thing, isn’t it? As long as love or friendship previously existed, you can dredge it up.”

Cadance steepled her fingers. “... It’s more like we can create it…”

I groaned. “Lovely. So you have benevolent-yet-evil magic.”

Cadance bit her lip and Twilight looked at me, her jaw set. “Friendship isn’t evil!”

“It is when you don’t give people the option of not being friends.” I sighed.

Twilight looked down and Cadance put a hand on her shoulder. “Well… I don’t think it can possibly be that evil if you’re doing it for a reason as good as inspiring friendship or instilling love into ponies. It’s not like you forced Shining to be Max’s friend, right?”

“Right! I just suggested that he should give you a chance and backed it up with a little magic!” Twilight defended.

I decided to let it go to avoid making her feel like I still do. She and Cadance kept talking about the merits of their powers, but I didn’t have anything constructive to say and said as much when they asked for my input, so when Cadance left after apologizing for hitting me, I told her that I would be molesting her soon and Twilight hit me a couple times, but she didn’t do it that hard. When Cadance was gone, I asked Twilight if I could use my power to fondle the taffy toned Princess from time to time, and when Twilight asked why I’d want to do that, even after I got in trouble for it, I told her that Cadance had invited me to do so as long as I gave her fair warning. My fiance asked that I tell her beforehand so she could watch and said that she wanted to know exactly what I was doing as I was doing it and I had no problem in agreeing with that.

When we finished up with our conversation, we went to breakfast and found that my team was already inside , talking to the girls, Shining, and Cadance. Iron was talking to Rainbow and Applejack about something or other, Crimson was catching up with Shining and Cadance, and Swift was getting hit on by Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Rarity, which meant that his morning was going pretty well. Twilight and I talked to each other, though I was sad that Noir had already up and gone to Canterlot with Celestia and Luna since I’d been hoping to have a little more time with her before she had to go. I tactfully avoided bringing up The War to avoid ruining the pleasant mood we had going on over breakfast, and once it was over, Twilight asked the girls to meet up with us once we were done with our meeting so she could just teleport everyone and their things back to Ponyville instead of having them ride the train.

Pinkie suggested that they all go shopping for Crystal Empire stuff and I asked Crimson and my crew if they would mind tagging along, though I told them that they were off duty for the time being. Crimson had a small problem with that, but my orders were what they were, so he followed them anyway and said that he was going to introduce Swift and Iron to some people he knew from his time here in the Empire. With the plebeians out of the way, the patricians got down to business and Cadance, Shining, Twilight, and I all went to a meeting room to talk about The War. It wasn’t a terribly important conversation, but Cadance and I were basically just catching Twilight and her brother up on the events that they couldn’t have learned about because of Discord’s spell.

Twilight was frankly terrified of the prospect of there being another war and Shining hid his unease well, promising to protect Cadance until his final breath. I swore that I would personally confront an army of thousands for everyone in the room and fully planned on doing so until Twilight said that she wanted me to let ‘real soldiers’ handle the fighting. I gave her a look like she’d lost her damn mind and told her that I was a veteran of dozens of wars that Noir had put me through and never came out of them with a kill count of less than a hundred, but everyone in the room argued that simulations weren’t like the real thing until I asked Cadance and Twilight if they could take us into my mindscape so I could set up a proper war for us to run through.

Cadance and Twilight had no desire to participate, but Shining was interested, so Cadance linked his mind to mine and I took us to my mindscape. When we got there, Noir was waiting for us. That is to say, a meter tall version of Noir was waiting for us. Her voice was considerably higher, more of an soprano than the low, sexy alto that Noir’s usual voice was, and when I saw the adorable little thing, I picked it up and gave it the biggest little hug. The tiny version of my giantess mentor hugged me back and told me to put her down, so I did and I asked her to conjure up a nice war for Shining and I to fight. She did so, but when Shining saw the sheer volume of the people in front of him, his eyes widened and he asked if they could all fight like real soldiers. I let him know that each of them were based off of people that Noir herself had fought and summoned my Kopis into my hand, throwing myself into the fray without further ado.

Shining took my rear in the best of ways, but when he started drowning in the sheer volume of people, I doubled back and saved his arse by stealing a spear and making us some room. He’d already sustained heavy injuries, so I kept up the fight around him to prove my status as top-mother-fucking-dog and killed fools like they’d personally insulted my mother with new ‘yo mama’ jokes that actually had a bit of bite to them. I glanced over at Shining from time to time to see him watching in awe as I slayed foe after foe, leaping into the air and bringing my Kopis down like it was my scythe and I was the Reaper himself. Once I thought he’d gotten the picture, I sent Mini Noir a mental message to have the soldiers cease and picked Shining up off of the floor.

I reminded him, or rather, just told him that he could think away his injuries like he’d thought up a sword, but he didn’t quite get how to do it, so I fixed him myself and bid Mini Noir goodbye after a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek since she’d been a real doll. When I booted Shining out of my mindscape, we awoke to hear Cadance and Twilight talking about what was happening in my mind, so I lifted my head and Shining groaned, his injuries feeling like they had persisted through the shift in reality.

Shining was quick to back me up when we got back from my mindscape, telling Twilight and Cadance that battling in my mind was incredibly similar to doing so in the real world, and when he mentioned that he’d gotten hurt because he’d underestimated my constructs despite my warning, I told him that things were only going to get harder since the people in Noir’s memory fought like people from four to five thousand years ago. Things weren’t going to get any easier if anyone was actually trained, but then again, I doubted that two thousand years of global peace meant that people were going to be prepared for an actual war.

Twilight and Cadance were convinced that I really could fight when Shining described me as a ‘whirling dervish of death straight from the ancient war stories’, and it didn’t hurt that I hadn’t actually gotten injured or been fighting at my maximum capacity. I was actually getting to be a bit of a murder machine from all of my training, and that was super dope, in my opinion. After a bit of further deliberation, Twilight told me that the only way I was going to war was with her at my back, but I told her that it was my responsibility rather than a desire of mine that made me want to fight in The War. I ~~was~~- am, a Prince of Equestria, and as such, I need to be with the boots on the ground, grinding out victories on the field of battle alongside our soldiers while Twilight’s place was in a palace, making sure that things ran smoothly back home.

“Max, I am not going to just sit on my hands or twiddle my thumbs while you go off and risk your life!” Twilight said viciously.

I pointed at myself. “Immortal. Immortal as fuck, actually. It’s been proven at least three times that I don’t die too good, but we don’t know about you, Twilight. We don’t know about you or Cadance, and neither of you are going to be ready to fight in any capacity by the time The War comes, and that’s not me putting you down, that’s just a fact. You’re an executive, an administrator, a bureaucrat, a manager and a scholar above all of that. You are not a murderer. You are not a cold-blooded killer. You are not me, and God forbid you ever start to become like me.”

Twilight puckered her lips like I’d just fed her a lemon and her face colored. “I may not be a soldier like you, but I can help too!”

“Max isn’t saying that you can’t help, Twilight; he’s saying that you can’t be soldier like him and Shining. We’re not fighting ponies, Twilight. We just aren’t. I haven’t been in a single fight in my life, and I don’t think that you’ve ever actually been in a fight yourself. Max is right, Twilight. We don’t belong with the ponies who see bloodshed, and I know just thinking about it makes both of us squeamish.” Cadance reasoned.

Shining sighed. “I hate to sound like we’re ganging up on you Twily, but Max really is right. I was the Captain of the Guard because I can handle a little blood and I think Max is more used to it than just about anypony I know if what he did in the mindscape is anything to go by. If you’re safe in Equestria with Celestia and Luna, then I think that’s just one less thing for Max to worry about while he’s fighting for Equestria. Don’t think of it as leaving him to die, because that’s just not true. Think of it as letting both of you play to your strengths.”

Twilight’s lip quivered. “So what? I’m just supposed to accept that my special somepony is going to be out there, ending hundreds of lives all on his own?”

I shook my head. “No, Twilight. That’s not true either. I’ll have Nashoba, Noir, and Adstus backing me up on the battlefield.”

She looked at me. “You told me that Adstus was supposed to be our Honor Guard.”

I sighed. “Before Dicksword announced that The War was on, that’s what they were going to be. Keep in mind that I couldn’t tell you that I planned on bringing them with me into the battle.”

“... You lied to me.” Twilight said softly.

I glared at her. “I did not. Adstus is an Honor Guard, but they’re guarding mevinstead of both of us when we go to war. When we’re together, we share my team, but when I need to go fight, they come with me.”

“Lies by omission are still lies.” Cadance said softly.

Twilight looked at me sadly. “... I can’t believe it…”

“Twilight, I literally couldn’t tell you about their real purpose!” I defended. “What was I supposed to do? Tell you that I was putting a team together for a war that you would forget about every time it was mentioned!? I told you they were a fighting force! I told you that they would be getting trained for special missions!”

Twilight maintained the same sad look and I averted my gaze. “Tch. I didn’t lie.”

Shining shook his head. “You’re in the wrong room if you’re looking for someone to agree with you on that.”

Cadance looked at me. “I see your side of things, Max, I honestly do, but why would you not tell Twilight the real reason you were getting Crimson and the rest together?”

I spread my hands. “I couldn’t! You know what Dicksword’s spell did, and you know for a fact that if I would’ve mentioned that it was for The War, Twilight would’ve just forgotten it! I told her multiple times that I was putting Adstus together for a war, but not this war, and she still forgot!”

Cadance’s face eased up a bit. “So you told Twilight the truth, she just doesn’t remember it?”

I made a ‘There you go’ kind of gesture. “Exactly. After the first couple of times, there just wasn’t a point to it anymore.”

Twilight sighed. “I still don’t like that the only thing I remember is that you lied, but I guess I feel a bit better knowing that you at least tried to tell the truth.”

“I didn’t try, I just did. It didn’t do me any good.” I sighed.

“... So where does that leave us?” Shining asked. “Is there anything else we need to discuss?”

Cadance shook her head. “I think it’s agreed that we leave the fighting to Noir, Luna, you, and Max.”

“And the soldiers of Equestria, of course.” Shining added.

Cadance nodded gently. “Of course. I don’t think we need to say anything else without having Celestia, Luna, and Noir present.”

“Agreed. Our most experienced should be present since we’re the ones with the least experience out of our fighting force.” I said.

Twilight sighed. “I just want to go home…”

I reached over and held her hand. “We’ll go home soon, Cherry.”

“Are you sure you’re not leaving anything out?” She asked blandly.

“I’m sure I could leave you on the Moon if I felt like it.” I gave her a wry smile.

Twilight gave me a weak chuckle. “Do that with Discord and I think we’ll all be happier for it.”

“Oh no, Dicksword’s going to suffer.” I said casually. “Don’t forget that he ripped my sweet little Blackberry from her body and cast her into darkness for four thousand odd years, and he practically erased the Alicorns from the face of the planet, so I’m going to make his anus into a tea cozy and his horns into tea cups.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “I sure do love it when you talk about senseless violence.”

Cadance’s voice hardened. “Twilight, if you knew the depths of Discord’s treachery, you wouldn’t call it senseless.”

My fiance looked at her, shocked. “... What?”

Shining stared too. “..I’m with Twilight. What?”

“Oh yeah, Dicksword’s easily the most evil thing on the planet. Like, the bastard beats Sombra and Chrysalis by a wide margin.” I commented.

“Max wasn’t exaggerating about Discord wiping the Alicorns from the face of the planet. The Alicorns used to be nearly as plentiful as Ponies are, but when Discord divided them into three pieces of themselves, all except Celestia and Luna were lost. Nightmare Moon was nearly killed in the same way Noir was, but they both had to take up residence in Luna to survive.” Cadance clarified.

“...Discord is the reason there are no male Alicorns?” Shining asked.

I raised a hand. “Besides me, pretty much.”

“Holy cow…” Shining muttered.

Twilight looked confused. “If that’s the case, then how are you an Alicorn, Cadance?”

“I became one, just like you.” Cadance said simply. “You’ve heard the story before, I think.”

Twilight shook her head. “I don’t believe I have. Would you mind telling it now?”

Cadance blushed and curled a lock. “Well, all I did was go around telling ponies that they should remember why they fell in love in the first place for a few years. Eventually I realized that love was more important to a pony’s life than just about anything else and then I met Celestia in the Alicorn Dimension and she told me that it was time for me to join her as a Princess.”

Shining rolled his eyes. “That’s a gross oversimplification and you know it.” He looked to Twilight. “She actually got two ponies that were divorced to see why they fell in love with each other in the first place, and when they started having problems again, she helped them work through their problems until they could reach a fair compromise, and that’s the abridged version.”

I gave Cadance a little smile. “I’m sure they were arguing about some pretty young thing sticking their nose in someone else’s business.”

Cadance blushed brightly. “You make it sound as though I was just being nosy.”

“He did say ‘pretty’.” Twilight pointed out helpfully.

Cadance kept her blush. “And? Backhanded compliments are still backhanded.”

I raised a brow. “And they’re still compliments too.”

Twilight nodded and held my hand. “Be happy that they’re not insults. I think the only pony that Max doesn’t outright insult is me.”

I opened my mouth to dispute that, but I shrugged. “When you’re right, you’re right. I tend to do an awful lot of insulting when the occasion calls for it.”

Cadance gave me a look. “Give me your best shot, Max. Really, put your tail into it.”

“Your arse isn’t that sweet. I just call you Candy Arse because you taste like strawberry taffy.”

Cadance’s jaw dropped and Shining covered his face. Twilight hit me and said, “Max! That was wildly inappropriate!”

“It wasn’t even true! I call Cadance Candy Arse because I wanna lick it.” I grinned.

Twilight covered her mouth and Shining picked up where she left off. “Can we stop talking about my wife’s flank?”

Cadance cut him a glare. “What do you think of my flank?”

Shining was stuck. “Uh… I like it?”

“What do you like about it?” She challenged.

I raised a hand. “I’ll take over if Shining is uncomfortable talking about the booty.”

Shining wrung his hands and Cadance looked at him. “Well? Are you just going to let Max take over, or can you actually come up with something you like for once?”

“Why am I in trouble?” Shining asked, completely lost.

“Because you never compliment my flank! You always call me beautiful or pretty, but you never say what’s beautiful or what’s pretty!” Cadance huffed.

Twilight giggled. “Max tells me that he loves my eyes and my lips all the time.”

It was my turn to grow a little rosy. “We can leave the other stuff out. I don’t believe the present company wants to hear it.”

Cadance glared at me. “I want to hear how you compliment Twilight and I want Shining to hear it so he knows what he’s supposed to do.”

I looked at her coolly, my face still a bit warm, but Shining just sighed and said, “Don’t say anything about her body and we’ll be fine.”

I shrugged and Twilight and I turned toward each other. She gave me a gentle smile as I held her soft, fuzzy fingers and played with them, gently massaging the knuckles as I got started. “Twilight, Cherry, my love and my heart. I don’t need to tell you that I love the way your eyes gleam and glitter when you find something you research, or that I love the shades of violet that make up your eyes. From royal purple to the deep violet, I love them all, but the feature of your face I love the most are you luscious, kissable lips. I admit that every time I look at them, my own are drawn to your almost magnetically, and it takes so much resolve to hold myself from tasting your lips once more.” I let go of her hand and stroked her cheek. “And your cheeks, so soft and lovely; there’s little else I would rather do than to press my lips against them, even if for but a moment.”

Twilight smiled lovingly and opened her mouth, but I pressed a finger to her lips. “And if I may,” I touched one of her ears and she closed her eyes. “Your ears are so fine and velveteen that I would happily stroke them all day, though I believe you would rather have me rub your tummy, no? That too, I would do for hours on end and expect nothing in return if only to see your smile.”

Twilight removed my fingers from her ear and smiled at me. “Do you really mean all of that?”

“Every word, my love.” I replied softly.

Twilight leaned forward and our lips met for a kiss that was all too brief, but at least I’d gotten a good one. I let Twilight pull away first since I didn’t want the moment to end, but she hesitated when she did and came back for another one less than a second after we broke our kiss. Cadance sighed happily in the background and I decided that we’d had enough for the time being, though I wanted nothing more than to continue kissing Twilight for another minute or so and see where we went from there. When I looked over to Cadance and Shining, the former had a massive smile on her face and Shining had a small one that actually reached his eyes.

“See Shiny? that's how you romance a mare!” Cadance said jovially.

Twilight giggled, sounding a little embarrassed. “Max has always had a way with words. Maybe you should give it a try, BBBFF?”

Shining got a deer in the headlights look and turned to Cadance. “Um…”

Cadance looked at him expectantly.

“You have pretty eyes like… Uh… Rose quartz?” He half asked, half stated.

Cadance smiled encouragingly. “Thank you. Is there anything else?”

“A-And your mane is really pretty and soft. I like that it’s tri-toned instead of bi-toned like a lot of ponies. It makes you seem even more unique.” Shining said, warming up a bit.

“What about some other things?” Cadance asked, squeezing her breasts together in a distracting way.

Shining didn’t even notice. “Uh…” He glanced over at Twilight who rolled her hand forward for him to go on. “I-I think I’m stuck.”

Cadance sighed. “I guess you’re more of a physical love kind of stallion anyway.” Ha! Good thing I vary.

Twilight gave a disappointed pout. “I’m sure you can come up with more to say about your special somepony. Max, why don’t you give him some more examples?”

I gave her a look. “The next words out of my mouth probably aren’t going to be suitable for your siblings precious little ears.”

“I think Shining might to hear them anyway.” Candy Arse sniffed.

I shrugged and turned to face Twilight again. “Cherry, have I ever told you how I feel about your hands?”

My fiance gave me a strange look. “Not to my memory, no.”

I smiled and kissed her knuckles. “They’re simply perfect, if that’s not a complete cop out of a thing to say. They’re tender, ready to lend a helping hand or to reach out for someone in need of a friendly touch, yet firm enough to slap me out of a stupor when the need arises.” Twilight blushed. “Your fingers are so slender and dainty that I feel like I’m going to break them if I hold on too tightly, but I know that you’re made of stronger stuff than what I feel you are, even if you can be fragile in different ways. You’re physically tough, but I have to keep in mind that your heart needs to be treated with kindness. Your hands remind me a lot of you as a whole: delicate on the outside, but still quite resilient on the inside.”

Twilight held one of my hands to her face. “I think you contradicted yourself.” She said softly.

“Love is weird like that.” I stroked her cheek with my thumb.

“Aww! Even though you just insulted the thing that I’ve based my life on, that was so sweet!” Cadance cooed.

Shining coughed. “Can we just say that I can’t match up to Max when it comes to the flowery words and leave it at that? I kind of feel like we’re just rubbing it in at this point.”

Cadance looked disappointed. “We can stop for now, but I want you to be thinking of ‘flowery words’ for later. Maybe you should write me a poem?”

I gagged and Twilight made a face at me. “Poems are sweet, Amour.”

“Never had the hand for it myself, to be honest with you. I prefer to be poetry in motion rather than a poet.” I said arrogantly.

Twilight gave me a look and I gave her a cheesy grin. “What? I might be more like a skaldic epic or something, but I’m still poetry!”

She rolled her eyes and leaned in to kiss my cheek. “You’re a narcissist.”

“Don’t hate me ‘cause I’m beautiful.” I said, completely full of shit.

Shining chuckled. “You know, when I think of you as someone that shouldn’t be taken seriously half the time, it’s a lot easier to not despise you.”

I shrugged. “I’m telling you, Shining Arseman, you just have to get used to me over time and I get more likeable. Luna started off hating me and now she’d probably give me the sucky sucky if I talked to her about it long enough.”

He gave me an odd look. “What’s ‘the sucky sucky’?”

Twilight hit me. “You better not answer that!”

I levitated her into my arms. “If you hadn't hit me, I might’ve been tempted to listen to you.” I reached into Twilight through her back with my True Theft and coaxed her Magic out of her. Her eyes went wide when she felt the intrusion, which meant she was too staggered to stop me when I said, “The sucky sucky is a blowjob. When a nice person puts their mouth on your lower head and gives it a taste.” I let Twilight have her Magic back and she shivered in my arms.

Cadance and Shining both lit up. “Oh... “ Shining said softly. He looked at Cadance and she looked at him.

“... Do you think she would really do it?” Cadance asked.

“...I don’t know. Max seems to get his way a lot.” Shining said, rather unsure.

Twilight hit me once she got her bearings back. “Max! I can’t believe you stole my Magic from me!”

“Well I gave it back.” I said innocently, rubbing my chest.

She hit me again. “Don’t do that! I shouldn’t have to tell you not to, but I’m going to! Don’t do that!”

I hugged her closer so she couldn’t keep striking me. “Pwease don’t hit me anymore Twiwight. I pwomise I’ww be a good boy” I said pathetically.

Twilight hopped off of my lap and hit me twice. “You’re such an ass.”

I conjured up some tears and made my lips quiver. “I’m sowwy…”

My fiance averted her eyes and Cadance said, “You should apologize Twilight. He asked you to stop hitting him very nicely.”

Shining gave me a look. “Buck up, stallion! Don’t you dare cry over your mare hitting you a couple times!”

I sniveled and sniffed like a pussy, looking down at my lap. “I’m not crying…”

“Oh please!” Twilight huffed, still not looking at me.

I started shaking, letting a few tears fall. Shining took notice. “....You aren’t seriously crying right now, are you?”

“No.” I said unconvincingly, my voice thick.

Twilight huffed again, but Cadance teleported to my side. “Oh Max! It’ll be okay, Sweetie! We won’t let Twilight hit you anymore, okay? Nopony’s gonna hurt you, my handsome little Human, so you just let it all out with Caddy, alright?”

Twilight’s head whipped around and she glared at me. “He’s faking it, Cadance! Max is the best actor I’ve-”

“I think you’ve done enough, Twilight.” Cadance said critically.

“Yeah, Twily. Maybe you should take a breather.” Shining said softly. I felt him lay a hand on my shoulder while Cadance pulled me to her chest.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Twilight fuming about being had, so I gave her the most shit-eating-est grin I could conjure up. “D-Don’t be mad at Cherry… She was just upset.” I said weakly, my face snapping back into the ruse.

Cadance stroked my hair. “I don’t think you should be hitting ponies just because you’re upset anyway.”

“You do it to me all the time.” Shining grumbled.

“What was that?” His wife asked sharply.

“Nothing, Love Bunny.” He sighed.

Twilight growled. “When he laughs at you for falling for his little game, I’ll be laughing at you too!”

“That’s just mean.” I said normally.

Shining removed his hand and Cadance froze. “Max.”

I wiped my eyes and looked at both of them calmly. “Yes?”

“... Were you faking it the entire time?” Cadance asked neutrally.

“Nah, I just get over things quickly. Twilight hits me all the time, I just needed to let it out for a little bit.”

“That’s a lie! He was faking!” Twilight protested.

Shining scratched his head. “Honestly, from what Max has told me, he’s not right in the head, so it kinda makes sense that he doesn't feel things the same way normal ponies do.”

Cadance looked between me and Twilight. “... I don’t know who to believe, to be fair. I don’t think Twilight would lie, but Max’s tears seemed so real…”

“The tears are always fake! I haven’t seen Max cry in years!” Twilight huffed.

“...Wasn’t he gone for two years?” Shining asked. “I mean, it was only a month or so to him, right? I’m sure that statement isn’t really all that meaningful.”

Twilight made some frustrated noises. “Max, tell them that you were just acting!”

I shrugged. “It’s only half an act to be fair. I just dredge up the repressed pain from deep inside and let it flow naturally like it should have when I received it.”

“... That’s worrying, Max.” Cadance said softly.

Twilight looked at me. “... You never told me that.”

I shrugged again. “Why would I? I’m pretty sure that it would only worry you. I really shouldn’t have said it there, but I felt like you would want the whole truth rather than the half-truths I’ve been giving you since Discord put that spell on yourself and Shining.”

My fiance sat down and held my hands. “Max, are there some things you need to talk about?”

“Undoubtedly. Will I? No.” I replied.

Cadance and Shining both put hands on my shoulders. “Max… If there’s something weighing on you, it would help to get it out in the open.”

I shook my head. “A lot of what I have to say are things I’ve already told to Twilight.”

Twilight squeezed my hands firmly. “Then why not share something you haven’t spoken about?”

“Because you’re not the right person to talk about it with. No one in this room is the person I should voice the heaviest thing on my heart to.”

“Then who is?” She asked kindly.

I shook my head. “Nashoba is the only one who comes to mind, but if I tell her, she’ll either tell me to stop whining or start ripping out the throats of the ones I love.”

Twilight tilted her head to the side. “Why would she do that?”

“Answering that question would be talking about the thing.” I gave her a playful smile.

Twilight squeezed my hands again. “... What about Jovia? You could talk to her, and you know she wouldn’t betray your secrets since she’s bonded to you.”

“I wouldn’t want to take the risk of turning her into something malevolent. There really isn’t anyone I can talk to about this, so let’s drop it and go to lunch, yeah? I’ve got some jerky with my name on it, if I’m not mistaken.” I let go of Twilight’s hands, but she held firm.

“You swore to never keep a secret from me.” Twilight said gently.

“... You swore to never press me for information I didn’t want to share.”

“If it didn’t pertain to your health. I think getting this off of your chest will do you some good.”

I closed my eyes and sighed. When I reopened them, I said, “Just stop hitting me, okay? Shove me or whatever, just stop hitting me, please.”

Twilight blinked. “I… I didn’t realize that it bothered you.”

“I tell myself that it doesn’t, but you leave bruises more often than not, and I’m the only person you ever hit. It makes me feel like I’m the most despicable thing in your life every time you do it.”

I could hear Twilight’s heart throb. “I-I… I’m sorry, Amour.”

I lifted her hands to my lips and kissed her knuckles. “It’s okay.”

Cadance and Shining removed their hands from my shoulder. Cadance said, “Just teleport to us if you need us, okay?”

Twilight and I nodded, which was the signal for them to pop out. “Max…”

“Really, Twilight. If it was a bigger problem, I would have said something.”

“No, you wouldn’t have. You’d keep your silence to protect my feelings unless I practically corner you into talking about it like we are right now. Please tell me why you didn’t tell me sooner, Amour.”

“That would be talking about the thing.”

“Then let’s talk. I’m listening.” My ever-precious lover said.

“... The only person in the Royal Family who hasn’t emotionally or physically abused me is Cadance, and you all are the people I’m supposed to trust most in this world. That includes Noir.” I said quietly.

Twilight mulled that over. “... How did Noir abuse you?”

“Physically. I don’t talk about my training with her for a reason.”

“Why is that?”

“She took a piece of my sanity when she trained me. A bigger piece than Luna did.”

“And Luna also abused you physically?”

“Different methods, same effect. Keeping me away from you was the worst part. You were the only solace I had in the three weeks I spent with her, and not even being able to dream about you wore me down. I suppose you could call that emotional abuse too.”

“... How did Celestia abuse you?” Twilight asked shakily.

“The physical abuse was comparatively mild, but the emotional abuse was severe. When she showed me that she wasn’t afraid to wipe minds and told me that she’d done it to me multiple times… It hurt. It hurt knowing that she could have changed the way things ended with Velvet Breeze at the drop of a hat, but she didn’t.”

“Velvet Breeze?” Twilight asked.

“If you don’t count our initial romp during your estrus in the first few days we met, then Velvet was my first lover in Equestria-”

“Can you call her ‘Breeze’ so I don’t confuse her with my Mom?” Twilight asked.

I nodded. “Breeze was the person who consoled me after my first kill. She let me into her home, fed Nashoba and I, and when I told her that Celestia had betrayed me by spilling the secret about Maxwell, she’d been ready to take up arms for my sake. When I came back to Ponyville after I’d been healed, I slept with Fluttershy due to her estrus pheromones and Celestia’s encouragement, and when I told Velvet what happened, she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I don’t know if she still hates me, but Celestia could have fixed things the right way, but instead, she ruined any chance of Velvet ever coming back to me.”

“Wow..” Twilight breathed.

I nodded. “I still hate Celestia for what she’s done. I still hate Luna for what she’s done. Deep down, I know I hate Noir for what she’s done, but I never let her see that part of me. I’ve kept that hatred so deep for so long, it’s warped me in ways that I don’t think I can fix anymore.” I barked out a laugh. “You must think I’m a fucking loser. After all, who goes back like a fucking dog with its tail between its legs to the same masters who beat it in the first place?”

Twilight cleared her throat and I looked up at her. Her throat was working furiously like she was trying to swallow her tears, so I said, “This is why I didn’t want to talk about it, Cherry.”

“Max…” She barely managed to choke the words out. “Why are you here?”

“... Because I had nothing in England. At least here, I have people who look at me with something other than pure contempt in their eyes. Here, I’m useful. Here, I’m productive. Here, I have you.”

Twilight sobbed and I kicked my chair behind me as I knelt so I’d have some room. I held Twilight’s hands to my lips and waited for her to speak. Through the sound of her weeping, I heard her ask, “How can you be with ponies who do this to you?”

“... You don’t want me to answer that. Not right now.”

She took a minute to straighten up a bit, the lovely features of her face streaked with tears and etched in pain. It was a heartbreaking sight that I knew I’d caused, and that I could’ve avoided it if I’d only held my tongue for a while longer. It hurt knowing that I’d reduced my Twilight, my love, my heart, to a sorrowful mass of sympathetic anguish. There was little else in the world that would make my heart ache more than seeing Twilight suffer, especially since I knew that I was the fucking pillock who’d caused it in the first place.

When Twilight could speak again, she said, “Please. Just tell me now.”

I closed my eyes and rested my head on her lap. “Fine.” I said softly. “I’m broken. I’m a broken shell of a person that’s too afraid to lose what he has. If I tell Noir that my fear runs deep into my very soul, then I’ll hurt her and I might lose her. If I tell Celestia that I’ll never love her like I thought I could, I’d lose her too, and Luna would follow. If I tell Luna that I hate her, she might tell Celestia and they’ll both go. I was afraid to tell you that it hurts when you hit me, but…” I took a calming breath. “I can’t afford to lose you. I’m afraid that every time I upset you, that you’re going to leave me and all I’ll be left with are these farces of relationships and I… I’m just some scared kid, Twilight. At my heart, I’m just some scared kid that has too much to lose now.”

Twilight lifted my face from her lap and cleared the tears from my eyes. “I swore I would never betray you, Amour,” She said shakily, “and to me that means that I’ll never forsake your love. Not for a single thing in this world. Not for my parents, or for my brothers, or for anypony in the Royal Family, Maximus. You could have chosen any mare you wanted. You could’ve had Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie, Rarity-”

“But not Rainbow Dash?” I asked cracking a small smile.

Twilight smiled back gingerly, as if it hurt to do so. “Not Rainbow Dash, but you could’ve had Fleur if you really wanted her, Mary, or Strawberry Petal. I’m sure you could’ve charmed Trixie…” We both made a face.

“Let’s not talk about me charming my sister and I won’t talk about you charming your brother.”

Twilight nodded, gaining some steam. “Let’s. My point is, you pretty much have your pick of the mares in Equestria, Max. Your charm has crossed borders that friendship couldn't, and every time I wake up next to you, I realize how lucky I am that you picked me all over again. You picked me.” She said lovingly.

“You were always the one.” I replied adoringly.

“Which is why from this day forward, anypony- No, any person, that messes with you, whether that be hitting you, calling you names or just making you feel bad, is going to have to deal with a ‘pissed off’ Princess…” She paused.

“Yes, you used that correctly.” I guessed.

My loving fiance nodded curtly. “They’re dealing with me. If any person lays so much as an unfriendly finger on you, myself included, I’m going to fight with every ounce of my strength to make them suffer for it.”

I looked up to Twilight. “Thank you… That- That means a lot to me, Twilight.”

“I may not be male, but I’ll have your back like Maxwell did, but even better. I promise.”

“I’ll always protect you, Twilight. Say the word and the person who hurt you will be dealt with your way or my way, depending on whose fury you want them to face.”

“We’ll send them to the Sun together.” Twilight vowed.

“To the Sun and beyond.”

Twilight stood and I rose with her, and when we were both standing, we embraced each other. Nothing was magically healed. I still felt my feelings, as dark and tumultuous as they were, but I had a feeling that my heart would be a bit lighter for talking to Twilight, and as I held her, I felt the love between us deepen further. While we were hugging, I felt something warm on my chest, coming from my sternum, and when Twilight and I looked down to see what was causing the feeling, we saw that our book-shaped necklaces had connected at the seam and was glowing gently. My greyish blue mixed with Twilight’s magenta to make a purplish slate color that was weird but good in my opinion. Twilight and I looked at each other after a few seconds and our hands met by our sides. Words flooded my mind like they’d welled up from the depths and I knew for a fact that Twilight was experiencing the same thing.

“Divorced we are but halves of a whole. Together, we are complete, our strength knows no bounds, and our love lies betwixt respect and honor. We take each other now in the most intimate fellowship and swear to never break these vows.” Twilight and I spoke at the same time, in the same rhythem, and in the same tone. It was rather unsettling, but the warmth that flowed from our points of contact was nothing like I’d ever felt before. I felt like I was… Home.

“As the Vanguard, I shall speak first.” I said automatically, gazing into Twilight’s soul. Within, I could see her experiences. Her greatest pride, her most shameful acts, her triumphs, and her defeats. I knew her secrets and that which no other person would ever know. “Twilight Sparkle, born of Night Light and Twilight Velvet. I do swear on this day to comfort you before myself and all others, to treasure you above all worldly and heavenly beings, to give unto you whatever I may have, to hide no knowledge from you, to hold you only in affection, to be your bastion in the coming tides, and to love you without condition. By these vows, I pledge my body, soul, and Magic unto you, forever in your hands, to never be forsaken for the prosperity of another entity, living or conceptual.”

Twilight looked through me, seeing me for what I was, who I was, and how I came to be. She saw in me what I’d seen in her, but instead of feeling naked and afraid like I had with Noir, I felt accepted and loved. “As the Harbinger, I shall speak second. Kaid Gadai, born of Babs Grace and Kincaid Gadai, known by the name of Maximus. I do swear on this day to lend you my shoulder for support and comfort, to hold no secret from you, to honor you as the first in my heart forever, to share with you all I may have, to never lay an angry hand upon you, to protect and defend you and your name, and to love you without hesitation, faltering, or expectation. By these vows, I pledge my body, soul, and Magic unto you, to never be forsaken for the prosperity of another entity, living or conceptual.”

Twilight and I stood there, looking at each other for but a few moments longer before our eyes closed and our lips met as they had a thousand times before, but now, the innocent feeling I received from Twilight was mingling with a new, even more pleasant feeling that I surmised was true, unconditional, undying love. We spent our time in each other’s tender embrace like the moment would fade, but I knew somehow that I would always get a taste of the same bliss that I felt in the moment when our lips touched once more. The feeling… It’s like… I don’t know. I suppose it’s like knowing that you’ll never have to worry about facing another obstacle alone, that no matter what, this one person will always have your back and will never purposefully do anything to hurt you. It’s a feeling of utter safety that I can’t get enough of, but I could live without it at the same time. It wouldn’t kill me to be away from Twilight, but I would miss her with every waking moment, though I would always know when I was needed by her side, even if our pendants would fail. The feel is comparable to being unified with another being wholly, like you could jump from one body to the other without a problem, and when I pulled away from Twilight, I saw myself and actually felt shorter. We both blinked a few tips and kissed again because that was a strange little occurrence, and once we’d gotten our fill of the feeling again, we parted and we were back in the correct bodies.

“...Well that was…” I couldn’t find the right words.

“...I think ‘right’ fits it well. Except for the swapping bodies thing, that was odd.” Twilight replied.

“Right is right.” I looked at her for a little bit longer.

Twilight stayed silent for a moment and gazed at me in turn. “So what are you thinking about?”

I shrugged. “I was just looking at you for a little bit.”

“The feeling’s mutual.”

And so we just looked at each other for a few more moments before kissing again briefly.

I tilted my head. “So do you know what that whole thing was?”

Twilight shrugged. “Don’t know. Do you think we should ask Cadance? I mean, that felt like True Magic at work.”

“We can, but I want to go home soon. We’re going to devote the day to cuddling and wedding planning.” I declared.

Twilight smiled. “My thoughts exactly.”

And with that, Twilight teleported us to Cadance though she was explaining to the girls and Adstus why we were nowhere to be found when arrived. Twilight and I asked her to stop talking for a moment and described what had happened with us swearing vows and the weird covenant we’d spoken automatically and Cadance’s jaw fucking dropped like she was trying to catch multiple dicks in her mouth. She stuttered her way through a congratulation and hugged Twilight and I for a long minute before asking how we’d managed to do whatever the ‘buck’ it was that we’d just done. Apparently what Twilight and I had experienced was a rare thing, even among those who were in true love and it basically meant that we’d be together forever.

That shit was radical as fuck.

Cadance congratulated us over and over again and told us the story of how she and Shining had done the same thing, but she’d assumed that she’d been able to do it because she was adept at finding true love and had found it in Shining. She spouted a lot of nonsense about true love being the best thing ever and that she could literally feel it permeating from us, and when Twilight and I announced that we would be getting married soonish. Cadance and Rarity glomped Twilight immediately while Fluttershy and Pinkie took the time to hug me. Rainbow and Applejack hung back and waited to give their congratulations, and when they were through, Crimson and Swift stepped up to give us some well wishes.

The taffy toned Princess asked us where we were going to have the wedding and Twilight said that we hadn’t decided yet, but would be happy to have some help with picking out a color scheme and decorations. Things like that were able to be taken care of sooner rather than later, and all of the girls wanted to be in on the wedding plans, and of course Twilight accepted. I asked if I was going to have any input and I got a lot of stares for that from everyone. I was quickly informed by Swift and Crimson that no self respecting ‘stallion’ would ever be caught doing something as girly as planning a wedding, but I let them know that I wanted to have a hand in the happiest day of my life and I earned many hugs for that from the ladies.

Twilight promised to keep me included for as long as I wanted to be, and when she suggested that we start by getting the color schemes picked out, I suggested that we have each of our favourite colors on either side of whatever room we decided to get married in and have them mix in the middle. Rarity was aghast at mixing random colors, but when Twilight and I joined hands on instinct and held our free hands next to each other, palms slightly cupped, we produced a new Seal. It wasn’t all that new to be fair since it was just Twilight’s Cutie Mark within my Seal, but Cadance was thrilled to see it and said that it was beautiful nonetheless

We let our Seal fade since Rarity and Cadance had committed the color to memory, and thus, we promised that we would start getting things settled for our wedding. Twilight and I didn’t bother letting go of each other’s hands since we didn’t want to, so we just didn’t and continued doing so until Twilight got everyone’s shit together. I helped her send stuff off and once we were through with that, Twilight teleported everyone into her house. Spike immediately peaced out to go do whatever, Applejack said that she had to get back to the farm, though she promised to be back in the coming days to help with whatever, and Pinkie said that she would be around if we wanted to start planning the reception. Rainbow didn’t want to be bothered with ‘mushy gushy love malarky’, so she ducked out, which left Fluttershy, Rarity, and Adstus to do what we needed to get done. I sent Adstus home since none of them wanted to do anything pertaining to the wedding.

Rarity and Fluttershy helped Twilight and I get a feel for what we wanted our decorations to be and Rarity promised to handle Twilight’s wedding dress like it was going to be her masterpiece, but when Twilight asked if she was going to make my tux as well, Rarity paused until I told her that she didn’t have to. Rarity shook her head and asked Twilight to cast a truth spell, and when she did, the marshmallow mare asked me if I’d really slept with her sister. I told her no, and much to Rarity’s surprise, Fluttershy was the first one to chastise her for even asking such a silly question. I requested that Fluttershy stop giving Rarity an earful, but Fluttershy still had to finish up and say that I liked my women to be more physically developed and I couldn’t help but lean around Twilight and smile at her arse. Twilight checked me with her shoulder and asked where I was looking, so I told her that I’d just been admiring the stylings of her tail and Twilight told me to shut up before she teleported me into the shower and turned the cold water on.

I didn’t want a cold shower at the moment, but Rarity took the opportunity while I was thinking of a response to say that she was sorry for thinking less of me and promised that she would be speaking to Sweetie Belle about lying, but I had a question.

“So why do you think Sweetie Belle lied in the first place? It’s not like I’m the most popular guy around town or anything.” I said, actually confused.

Rarity chewed her lip. “I don’t know, but when I asked Sweetie Belle who she’d given her virginity to, the first name out of her mouth was yours. I was under the understanding that you charmed her for a piece of a young mare, though I should have known that Twilight would never allow you to sleep with my sister.”

Twilight nodded. “You’re right. It’s one thing to let Max sleep with you, but I can’t really say the same about Sweetie Belle at all. It’s not that she’s a bad young mare or anything, it’s just that I think Sweetie wants to start a herd of her own.”

Rarity sighed. “I don’t think that’s quite right, but she does seem to have quite the rebellious streak in her.”

I scratched my head with my free hand. “So how did you know that Sweetie Belle gave up her V-card in the first place? I mean, it’s not like she had a flag or anything with it on it and stopped carrying it around, right?”

I got looks from the ladies. “What?”

Rarity rolled her eyes. “It’s an obvious thing when a mare loses her virginity, Maximus. She just… Changes, I suppose.”

I raised a brow and shrugged. “I guess I’ve never known anyone that well to tell besides Fluttershy.“ She let out a squee. “I know how to tell if a guy’s gotten laid for the first time, but girls don’t make as much sense to me.”

Twilight tilted her head. “How do you know if a stallion loses his virginity?”

“He walks a bit taller, has a bit more pride to him, and if he thinks he did particularly well, you can’t tell him a damn thing about sex.” I said drily. “If he lost his brown cherry, then his head is level with his shoulders and he might not be as forthcoming about information.”

Twilight blinked. “... I’ve noticed the latter things about Shining.”

“My bad.” I said, looking away.

Rarity and Fluttershy blushed brightly. “You didn’t!” Rarity cried.

“Oi! I didn’t stick anything in him, it’s just not my business to spread.” I said cryptically.

Twilight gagged. “Thanks a lot, Max, because I know exactly what you’re talking about.”

“...I guess I really can’t hide anything from you anymore.” I said, mildly surprised.

“Brain bleach. Somepony get me brain bleach.” Twilight moaned.

Fluttershy giggled. “I’m sure it’s not all that bad. Just think of Shining Armour as a handsome stallion you’ve only met a few times and I’m sure you’ll like it better.”

“Stop, oh my gosh, please just stop!” Twilight wailed.

I threw an arm around her shoulders. “No more talk of Shining. Instead, let’s talk about Twilight and how fabulous she looks, yeah?”

Rarity tittered. “She DOES look rather fetching in the dress I made for her. Why, I’m rather proud to call it one of my best creations yet!”

Fluttershy nodded. “Twilight looks very beautiful.”

I squeezed my love. “She’s always beautiful, isn’t she? I mean, I might be the only one who sees it when she wakes up with bed head, but it’s beauty nonetheless.”

Twilight blushed and looked up at me. “You think I’m beautiful all the time, don’t you?”

“Well, it’s not like I ever get tired of looking at you.” I said softly. “Every day it’s like I notice something new, but then I realize it’s just a new way to describe what I saw yesterday. Eventually I’ll run out of words, but I’ll never run out of the feeling.”

Twilight angled my chin downward for a quick kiss and gave me a smile. “If you keep spoiling me with compliments, you’re going to make me a rotten mare.”

I grinned and thought better of what I was about to say. “The only thing rotten about you is your cooking skills. Simply atrocious.”

Rarity and Fluttershy giggled at that and Twilight just rolled her eyes. “You’re lucky you’re cute, Amour.”

“Cute and cuddly, Cherry.” I kissed her forehead and looked at Rarity and Fluttershy. “So what now? Do we continue to plan, or are we done for the day?”

Rarity sighed. “As much as I would like to continue, I think we’re done for the day. I need to speak to Sweetie Belle, in any case.”

“There’s nothing I have to do, but I’m sure you two want some alone time.” Fluttershy said softly.

Which was completely true. Twilight and I just wanted to spend some time in each other’s arms, but the first thing we did was change out of our stuffy clothes and slip into something more comfortable, which for Twilight were pajama pants and one of my looser shirts while I went for some shorts I rarely wore and another one of my looser shirts. However, even my loose shirts had gotten rather tight with the gains I’d received from training, so I was looking forward to a bit of shopping. When I brought it up to Twilight, she said that we could get that done as long as we stayed together, so we got dressed inso some semi-formal wear for a stroll around town and she let Spike know that she knew he’d had sex for the first time. The poor fellow sputtered and flipped his shit, asking how she’d known and I told him that Sweetie Belle had lost her virginity somehow and I just didn’t believe that it would’ve been with someone she didn’t know. Spike admitted to it nervously and Twilight said that he wasn’t in trouble, but I could tell that she rather wanted him to be since she didn’t like the idea of her little Spykoranuvellitar getting down and dirty with a liar. My fiance, however handled it rather well and told him to be careful about indulging in such acts unless he wanted to leave some poor mare heart broken. He swore that he wouldn’t sleep with anyone he wasn’t dating, so that was nice.

Twilight and I went out to go shopping and we talked about Spike becoming sexually active, but neither of us were terribly fond of the idea. I understood why Twilight didn’t like it too much, and if the whole ‘vow thing’ was anything to go by, I imagined that my displeasure was due to Twilight’s own feelings on the matter, so we talked about that while we went to Blue’s shop. When we arrived, my mother was sitting behind the counter, ringing up some random stallion that I don’t remember ever having seen around town, so Twilight and I let them be for the time being. I bought a few more shirts that were more comfortable and some button-downs that weren’t really meant for someone of my… girth, I guess. However, I wasn’t terribly worried about it, and when we went to go bra shopping for Twilight because her current ones were getting a little uncomfortable. I didn’t go into the changing room with her, but she found the right fit eventually and we rang our things up at the counter with Blue.

When my Mum saw us, she beamed brilliantly. “Twilight! Max! It’s good to see you two!”

“Hullo Mum.” I said happily.

“Hi Blue. It’s good to see you too. Say, do you know what day Trixie’s wedding is?”

Blue blinked. “Well, it’s this week. I’ll write the date down for you, if you like.”

I nodded and accepted the piece of paper. “Thanks, Mum, we appreciate it.”

My Mum smiled again. “Well, I think I’ll need to ask a favour of you for providing such vital information. After all, you wouldn’t want Trixie to know you forgot about her wedding day, would you?”

I shrugged. “I’ll tell her the truth and say that I remembered that it was some time this week, but couldn’t remember the exact day. What do you need?”

Blue rolled her eyes. “I just need you to get a letter over to Rarity for me, “ She fished it out from underneath the counter, “which is something I would have done myself, but you know, she’s been out of town for a few days.”

I grabbed my Dragon Fire from my house and sent Blue’s letter off. “Done. We really need to get you one of these things.”

She sighed. “It would be invaluable, I’ll say that. When you were at Boot Camp, I was still asking Spike to send you letters for me.”

Twilight tilted her head. “You know, you could just ask him to fill a jar with a little fire for you. I’m sure Spike wouldn’t mind.”

Blue waved her hand. “I don’t have the money to properly pay him for it.”

Twilight and I gave her a look and Blue blushed. “Don’t look at me like that! It’s not like I can just spend money willy-nilly!”

“That’s not what we’re saying, Mum.” I said.

“We’re saying that Spike is Max’s little brother,” Twilight continued.

“And since he’s my little brother,”

“It wouldn't exactly be far-fetched for you to ask him a favour. Besides, Spike’s given all the girls a bit of his fire.” Twilight said kindly.

“I don’t see why he wouldn’t give you a little bit. I mean, he speaks highly of you when he does speak of you at all. Your cookies are still the best.” I grinned.

Blue smiled shyly. “They’re just a recipe I came up with, nothing special.”

Twilight looked behind her before leaning forward. “Don’t tell anypony I said this, but they’re honestly better than the chocolate chip ones at Sugarcube Corner.”

I nodded. “Don’t get us wrong: Pinkie’s a great baker and Mrs. Cake is incredible, but you’re the best at what you do.”

Blue blushed and waved us away. “Oh, stop! You two are simply too much!”

I held Twilight hand and squeezed it a bit. “We’re also the sexiest power couple you’ve ever seen.”

“I wouldn’t say sexiest, but we definitely do look pretty good. Well, you look pretty good.” Twilight flattered.

I rolled my eyes. “Keep it up and I’ll shut that mouth of yours with a kiss.”

“Did I ever mention how stunningly handsome you are? Or how fabulous your jawline is? I swear, I could kiss it all day.” Twilight flirted.

I gave her a quick smooch and we parted, smiling. “Aww, you two are so sweet it makes me want to add you to some cookies and bake you!” Blue said warmly.

I made a face. “Would you really want a furry, wine flavoured cookie?”

Twilight checked me. “Would you really want a meaty cookie that tastes like cologne?”

Blue giggled and we smiled some more. “So what’s changed between you two? You seem so much closer than you were the last time I saw you together, or at least, you seem so much more lively.”

I shrugged. “We made some extremely magical vows,” Blue’s jaw dropped, “and we’ve just been…” I looked to Twilight.

“I would say that we’ve been equalling out. I think Max and I have been influencing each other emotionally.” Twilight finished.

Blue shook her head. “That’s what happens when you find love in its truest form. I’m so happy for you!”

“Thanks, Mum, but we don’t really understand it ourselves.” I scratched my cheek with my free hand.

Twilight coughed. “I never did read too much into it. I never thought I’d find it and it always seemed like a filly’s Pseudo-Magic to me.”

Blue shook her head, pucker her lips slightly. “I assure you, Twilight, that love has a true form. There are a lot of legends about it, but I could tell you about the ones I’ve heard if you’re interested.”

I looked to Twilight and she looked at me. “It’s not like Cadance said much about it other than that she’d found it and was proud of us for it.” I said.

Twilight looked to Blue. “Could you tell us a few things?”

“Well, first off, I’ve heard that the two ponies who fall into the truest of love will forever be stronger when they’re together since their Magic is amplified between them. The story I read was very particular about saying that it wasn’t pooled together, but that it was mixed and multiplied.” Blue informed.

“Sounds like what the first vow said. ‘Divorced we are but halves of a whole. Together we are complete.’.” I rattled off.

“‘Together, we are complete, and our strength knows no bounds.’.” Twilight added. “I suppose that means nothing is going to stand in our way.

I grinned. “Wanna see if we can take Noir or Celestia?”

Twilight huffed. “Feel free to do that yourself. I couldn’t even keep up with them during that fight.”

Blue gasped. “You mean that tall blue mare you introduced me to fought The Princess?”

I nodded. “Fought and won. It was truly spectacular. I’d happily share the memories with you if I could.”

Twilight perked up. “I know a spell that would let you do that!”

“I know. I was waiting for you to offer.” I said playfully.

Twilight rolled her eyes and hugged my arm. “Which is why I offered, silly. What do you say, Blue? Do you want to see what happened? We’ll be seeing it from Max’s perspective and he was the closest pony to the action.”

Blue looked unsure. “Did anypony get hurt?”

“Celestia and Luna both took a cut to the right shoulder, but neither of them bled too much.” I answered.

She winced. “Well, it does sound like a once in a lifetime thing that I shouldn’t really pass up.”

I shrugged. “Don’t decide now. Bring Onyx by to my house later and we’ll watch it then, if you want. If we’re seeing it from my perspective, then you might be able to follow what goes on past the first round.”

Blue smiled nervously. “You say that like they fought like super-ponies.”

“They did.” Twilight and I chorused perfectly.

Blue blinked. “...Then I suppose I really shouldn’t let the opportunity go to waste. I’ll see if Onyx has any plans for the night and we;ll meet you at your house.”

I grinned. “Sounds like a plan, Mum. We’ll see you tonight.”

Blue waved us off and we headed back to Twilight’s house after I transported my crap back home. We spent a few of our spare hours on the couch doing a whole lot of cuddling and talking about nothing in particular. I told Twilight about how I felt towards neon colors and she agreed that they were simply hideous and she asked about how I felt about warm colors in general and I told her that I wasn’t too fond. She asked if red would go well with her coat and I told her that something close to wine would work well without clashing against her coat. When the time came, Twilight and I walked to my house and we met up with my team and everyone was present, though tired. Apparently Crimson had gotten the training started while I was away and told everyone that it was only going to get tougher. Iron was up for the challenge with aplomb and even wanted to do more so she could get into fighting shape better, but Starshine was dying slowly and asked if they could slow things down a bit so she wouldn’t keel over. Swift was fine, but he wanted the combat training to start since he’s a muscle head like that, and Crimson was playing things cool since he just wanted to make it through to the next weekend. He told me that he and Fleur had been keeping up a correspondence and that she’d requested his presence in Canterlot the next time he was available.

Iron asked for a word with me in private, and though I loathed leaving Twilight, she was in the middle of a boring sciencey conversation with Starshine, so I figured she could do without me. When Iron and I went to my Sun room, she said, “Max, I might have a problem.”

I nodded. “Then it shall be addressed. What’s up, Iron?”

“I think I’m falling for somepony…” She trailed off.

“Are you going to tell me who that person is?” I asked. Not like I don’t already know, but I wanna hear you say it.

“Well… It’s one of our team members.” She said nervously, her gaze flickering back and forth from me to the floor.

“I didn’t think it would be a problem otherwise.” I said patiently.

Iron waited for me to make a guess. “... You’re really not making this easy on me you know.”

I rolled my eyes. “I know who it is, I just feel like you’ll get more out of the conversation if you speak the words for yourself.”

Iron colored. “If you know who it is, then why are you making me say it?”

I gave her a look. “For the reason I literally just said. Just spit it out and you might feel a little less wound up.”

Iron pursed her lips for a moment and popped her knuckles. “... It’s Swift, alright? I think I have a crush on Swift.”

“You do have a crush on Swift.” I said frankly. “It’s not surprising, Iron. He’s a pretty decent looking guy and he’s built like a brick house. If I was female, and you know I have been, I could see myself being attracted to him initially.”

“Initially?” Iron asked.

I shrugged. “Crimson would be more my type, but I like the dedication it takes to get a body like Swift’s. It shows that he’s not afraid of hard work and heavy lifting. Another plus is that he’s not exactly an arsehole, and he seems to be a really genuine kind of fellow, if not a bit too simple for me.”

Iron’s cheeks grew rosier. “He’s actually pretty nice once you get to know him, and he can fight like nopony’s business. I always hoped that I would get to train with him, but Shoulder Boulder usually had me help teach the basics or spar with somepony else.”

I nodded. “So what are you going to do about it? I can’t say that I’m going to forbid dating within the ranks of Adstus, but I know for a fact that I don’t want you two to ruin the camaraderie you’ve built so far. If you want to talk things out with him or fuck him silly until he loves you…” I spread my hands.

Iron glared at me. “It’s not like that! It’s just… I don’t know how to approach him.”

“Lay out the facts. Tell him that you have a crush on him and that you want to try being together. Take things slow and see how they go at first glance, and then continue at your own pace.”

Iron twiddled her thumbs silently.

“...Is there something else?”

She sighed. “Max, Look at me.” She spread her arms. “I’m just too much like a stallion to have a shot with Swift, I mean, I don’t have a flank at all, I’m bulky, and my hands are HUGE! I don’t think Swift is going to see me the same way I see him, or if he does, he’s going to see me as practically another stallion. And it’s not like this is a good time to be getting all emotional either. War was just declared on Equestria for the first time in a thousand years, for crying out loud!” Iron buried her head in her hands.

“So what? Just because there’s a threat looming overhead doesn’t mean that your heart can’t have a bit of time to relax and fill itself as much as you’d like. Besides, I always thought that it was better to get things out in the open as soon as possible rather than letting things fester until things become unhealthy. I want you to come to Swift about how you feel, preferably in private, and hopefully right after we finish up with this conversation.”

“Wait, you want me to tell him now!?” Iron cried, completely out of character. “I-I- But-”

“No ‘buts’. Get out there and go get your feelings out in the open, yeah?” I said cheerfully.

Iron stared at me, mouth agape. “Do you even know what this is like?”

I raised a brow. “No. When it comes to love, if I want something, I ask for it. It’s worked well with what I do so far.”

“Yes, but you’re attractive! You’re a pretty-colt and I’m just some masculine mare!”

I shrugged. “My way isn’t always the best way, but it works out for the best in the end more often than not.” I stood and headed toward the door. “I’m not going to force you into anything, but I’ve said my peace on the matter. If you want better advice from a girl, I’d suggest asking one of my female friends other than Twilight. I’ll happily put you in contact with them.”

“...Why can’t I just ask Twilight?”

“Because she’s not good with relationships either. It took her months to warm up to me, after all.”

“... But you guys just seem so… I don’t know… Natural.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know what to tell you. I didn’t learn for a while that Twilight was the only one I needed in my life, and until then I just slept around with women I was fond of. Of course I had her permission, otherwise I wouldn’t have done it in the first place, but still.”

“... So you had a herd?”

“In a manner of speaking. I dated Rarity, Fluttershy, Twilight and Celestia-”

“You dated Celestia!?” Iron asked, staggered.

“Yeah. I dated her before anyone else.” I replied.

“... Why aren’t you two together then? I mean, I’m sure Celestia would be willing to work with you, no matter what-”

I held up a hand for her silence. “The problem wasn’t with me, though I had my own issues. No, Celestia makes mistakes too and some of them just hurt too much to forgive her for them.”

Iron looked at me for a moment. “You’re not going to talk about it, are you?”

“Wasn’t planning on it. I will, however, answer most questions about myself and Twilight.”

“Okay, I guess.” Iron thought for a second. “So how did you two get so close if you weren’t immediately connected?”

I checked my nails. “We took things at her pace. I didn’t push her for anything she wasn’t willing to give, and when the time came where she was ready to give more, I accepted what she gave and controlled myself enough to not ask for more. It hasn’t been all honey and roses to be honest with you. We have our ups and our downs, but the main thing is that we never let it keep us angry for long, and even if we go to bed angry in separate houses, we still come together when we’re ready to listen. I guess we’re just patient with each other when it really counts.”

“... Huh. I was kinda expecting you to say something along the lines of ‘Sometimes you’re just perfect like we are, sometimes you’re not. Twilight and I do everything effortlessly!’” She said, shitfully mimicking my accent.

“I’ll drop you, mate. Don’t forget who kicks the most arse around here.” I replied disdainfully.

She rolled her eyes. “You wouldn’t hit me for doing something like tha- OW!” I’d slapped the fuck out of her leg with my tentacle.

“Keep it up. I’ll whack you for not flushing the toilet too.” I gave her a look.

Iron worked her leg. “Seriously, that hurt!”

“Then we’re not training you hard enough. Make fun of the way I speak again and I’ll spank you in front of everyone with your pants down.”

“You’re such an ass!”

“Don’t do stupid shit. I’m leaving.” As I turned my back, Iron threw a pillow at the back of my head and I tossed it back onto one of the seats.

I rejoined Twilight as she was talking to Starshine about the benefits of monitoring your Bunsen burner while cooking marshmallows or some shit and Iron eventually came out of the Sun room, taking a seat on the far end of the room from where I was sitting. I was writing more of Midnight Stroll and the Stolen Sword, getting some good progress made. Seriously, writing straight fiction was like the easiest shit in the world for me, and since I didn’t have to try and come up with terribly witty banter or intense romance scenes, things just flowed so much more easily. It didn’t hurt that, compared to the other Midnight Stroll books, this one was going to be a bit shorter. It was only going to be by a few pages in the end, but I was rapidly nearing the end of one of the last ten chapters and I was liking how it was turning out.

Iron Hoof eventually got up and asked to have a word with Swift in private, her body language signalling to anyone who could read it that she was incredibly nervous. I know that Crimson picked up on it, but he was still lazily reading through A Thousand Moments and evidently didn’t want to be intrusive or didn’t care enough to be bothered. Swift had been playing with a paddle-ball that was actually kind of soothing since he was was so good with it up until then and he put it down when Iron talked to him. He didn’t pick up on her distress, but he did agree to talk to her, and when she lead him to the sun room, he asked what they were going to be talking about before she closed the door.

Of course I heard the entire conversation, but I’ll skip it since I wasn’t supposed to be listening anyway, you voyeuristic fuck. All in all, Iron came out of the room with a little smile on her face and Swift followed her with a slightly brighter one of his own. They sat down in adjacent seats and started talking about some random things that they liked and disliked, so I stopped paying attention to them and went back to writing. Again, the process was going pretty well and I was having fun while doing it, so that was nice.

When the Sun started to set, Blue and Onyx showed up to watch my memories and I made dinner for a small army with help from me Mum and my kinda-sorta gay best friend. We made three different dishes of different specialties, all of which were pretty good if I do say so myself. Crimson made some kind of Carbonara that I can’t pronounce, Blue made a hashbrown casserole, and I made dessert in the form of a nice cheesecake topped with cherries for my Cherry. Dinner was nice, and when we got to the movie bit, Twilight and I had everyone riveted with the events that displayed across my wall with my eyes acting as projectors of sorts. I don’t really blink as much as the average guy, thankfully, and when I did, I kept it quick and accidentally timed most of them with my blinks from The Games. That being said, Crimson, Onyx, and I were giving play-by-play commentary on the events that were unfolding, and even though my eyes followed every bit of the action, Twilight, Iron, and Swift could barely tell what was going on.

Crimson pointed out that the look on Celestia’s face when she’d gotten cut by Noir spoke volumes of how she’d known that she was outmatched. Twilight asked how he knew that she knew and he said that it was a look of utter frustration that you get when you’re facing a clearly superior opponent. He’d seen the look on many faces in his years and Onyx backed him up, saying that Celestia deserved praise for carrying the fight onto the third round, even after acknowledging her defeat then and there. No one needed to praise Noir any further, but she still got some from Iron and Swift for being able to beat someone as capable as Celestia and I just shook my head. I’d known from the beginning that Noir was going to win since I just knew her too well for there to be any other outcome.

When the memory was over, I put on a movie from my laptop, though most of the people in the room hadn't seen it before. Twilight explained it as ‘Human Magic’ and everyone just left it at that until I corrected her and said that it was extremely advanced technology compared to what Equestria had. I asked if anyone had any particular genre they wanted to see and they asked what kinds of movies I had, so I rattled off a few genres. The males in the room said action and the females said romance, so I fused them together and went with a modern classic by the name of The Mask of Zorro.

The movie went over pretty well with everyone in the room and it satisfied the requirements, though Onyx grumbled and said that real men don’t use rapiers, a statement that Crimson, Swift, and I all agreed on. Starshine scoffed and said it was because we lacked any sort of elegance and preferred to use glorified clubs to beat down our opponents, but that was a straight up lie and I said as much since Crimson uses a longsword, Swift a glaive, and I myself a Kopis. Onyx was the only one who used a glorified club, though he debated that fiercely, saying that a battle axe required just as much finesse as strength to use. Crimson jibed at him, saying that you could finesse a war club straight into someone’s face if you knew how to swing it, but that didn’t stop blunt and two handed weapons from being crushing tools in the end.

Little known fact: different swords require different levels of sharpness depending on the intended use. Some longswords can be razor sharp, but others can be as dull as your father’s sex life: It all depends on what you use it for. If you intend on thrusting more than cutting, then only the tip needs to be sharp. If you’re going up against unarmoured opponents, then your blade is going to need to be able to cut through flesh at the very least, bone at the greatest, and if you’re really good, entire people.

The fellows of the group started in on a conversation about weaponry and the like while the fellettes talked about how violent and stupid we were, though Twilight defended me if my name ever came up in the conversation, which was nice of her. Leaving their conversation where it was, I talked to my boys about the benefits of my Kopis, namely its weighted side that was going to be perfect for hacking and the slightly forward curving spine that would allow to to stab decently enough, but Crimson lauded his simply longsword for being simple and practical as it had proven in a few of his missions where he went to the Dragon Lands or to Germaneigh. Swift praised his glaive for having a larger cutting surface and for being a proper two handed weapon, but when Onyx asked to see it, he was a little hesitant since he know that Onyx was our trainer.

Crimson and I also retrieved our weapons so we could show Onyx what they looked like and he looked at mine first, although he waited until Crimson and Swift returned to say anything. Onyx started off by saying that my Kopis was larger than it was probably supposed to be, but that the blacksmith had obviously known that I could handle the extra weight since it was actually a little on the heavy side. However, that heaviness meant more weight behind each swing and thus more lethality behind every blow. He hefted it a few times and gave it a few lazy swings, basically saying that it would do me quite well until I wanted to stab something. Armored opponents were going to be hard to deal with, but then I told him that I had Magic to back that up and he told me that it would be dishonorable to use it in a real fight. I shrugged and reminded the group that I used to be a fucking thief for Christ’s sake. Honor didn’t really come naturally to me.

We moved onto Crimson’s longsword and Onyx said that it was well balanced and well made, though the tip could do with a little tapering to pierce through plate armour, but I told him that Crimson most likely wouldn’t be facing knights in plate, and if he did, that he should be running the other fucking way since they were bitches to with. Crimson scoffed and told me that he could handle armoured opponents better than I could and I fucking bet him on that, but he remembered who my mentor was and backed out. When Onyx got our attention back, he said that Crimson’s longsword was a good piece against pretty much anything other than Dragon and that the same thing was pretty much true about my Kopis.

Onyx took Swift’s glaive next and gave that a few things, saying that glaives in general were good as chopping and as piercing weapons, but that Swift’s Guard issue was a little on the bad side. It wasn’t terrible, but he should have another one made as soon as possible and I told him that we were already taking care of it. I caught Iron looking longingly at us as we talked about different kinds of weapons and took a moment to call her over and asked if we could give her a quick rundown of what had been said. Iron soaked up the knowledge like a sponge and asked a few questions that weren’t terribly important or things that I didn’t already know, so I’m not going to write them down.

The rest of the girls started nagging us about excluding them from our conversation, but I pointed out that none of them were soldiers or had seemed terribly interested when we started talking about weapons. Still, Twilight asked if she could have my attention for a moment, so I levitated Starshine off of the seat next to Twilight on the couch and sat next to her for myself. My wife-to-be just wanted a little affection, so I gave it to her and Starshine told me to give her spot back to her, though Twilight told her that it wasn’t happening any time soon. We just looked at her until she found a seat on the other side of Blue, but then Onyx told her that he was going to be sitting there. He earned himself a certain finger for his words and Onyx asked for Starshine’s name. I gave it to him and told him that she was a member of the team, which made Onyx give her the most disturbing smile I might have ever seen. Onyx chuckled and shook his head at her while Crimson made a strangled noise and buried his face in his book.

When Onyx and Blue left for the night, Twilight asked me if I would mind spending the night at her house and I reminded her that I was going to have to get up early for our morning run. Twilight reminded me that she was going to be coming along with me anyway, so I bid my team goodnight and told them not to fuck anything up while I was gone. Crimson promised to keep everyone in line and Starshine promised to fill my house with noxious fumes, so I told her that Onyx was coming back tomorrow and she said that he kinda creeped her out. I let her know that he was going to be our instructor from now on and if she wasn’t already pale, she would’ve gotten a bit whiter. Starshine asked if she was in trouble and Crimson and I answered that she was fucked and bucked at the same time. From there, she groaned and went to bed early since she wanted to get a little extra sleep before her Hell began.

Twilight teleported us to her house shortly after that and we laid in her bed and wrote for a few hours each. Twilight’s reading over my shoulder at the moment while I’m writing this and she’s telling me to include that we talked about what she would be doing in The War for awhile. She’s not asking me to go into detail, so I’ll just say that I voted that she keep track of where our soldiers were and how many people we had in one place and I noticed that she actually said ‘people’ a few times instead of ‘ponies’. It was an odd transition at first, but Twilight let me know that she hadn’t even meant to say it when I brought it up and we attributed it to what we’re going to call The Covenant, aka the ‘truest love’ thing. I think The Covenant is going to have some interesting effects on us in the future, but Twilight thinks that the effects are already in action, which I can’t really deny. She seems to be becoming slightly more like her and I’ve noticed that I’ve been remembering random information that I have no recollection of ever having learned, like Starswirl’s Theory of Magical Decomposition. It’s a complex subject that I won’t get into now or even in the near future, but I find it oddly fascinating for some reason. Apparently that’s exactly how Twilight feels about it, so The Covenant must be doing something.

To actually cover my feelings about The Covenant, I’m actually a little surprised that it took so long for it to pop up. I mean, I’d never heard of it or anything and Twilight had ignored some rumors she’d heard, so neither of us were terribly knowledgeable about the subject, but I think it’s going to work in tandem with the Seal I put on our necklaces, and if that’s the case, then we’ll be receiving quite the power-boost when we’re touching each other. Twilight mentioned that she feels her Magic swell while we’re in contact, and I myself feel like I’m too big for my body, so I’m just wondering what that’s supposed to mean. Maybe I get a physical boost and she gets a magical one? It’s entirely possible, but I don’t think it’s going to be terribly useful on my end since I’m not exactly going to take Twilight into battle with me any time soon.

As for confessing that I feel like I have a target on my back with the entire Royal Family… I know that it was the right call, but I just didn’t want to think about it in the moment. I mean, who wants to purposefully bring up something they’ve been avoiding talking about or even thinking about. Honestly, it’s not even in my journals or anything like that, so I hope you understand why I was so hesitant to talk about it, Twilight. I know you do, and if you’re reading this, Noir… I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but I really am afraid of alienating you. I have a feeling that Twilight is going to bring it up the next time she sees you, Celestia, or Luna in turn, but I rather wish she wouldn’t.

Twilight just told me that she’ll hold her silence if I ask her to, but I know that she really wants to make sure that I feel safe and loved around the people who are supposed to be my closest friends. Honestly? I can’t find a good reason to tell her to not do exactly that since she would only do it for my benefit, but… I am scared. I feel like a fucking child admitting that, but I’m scared of damaging the bonds I’ve created so far, though Twilight assures me that they’re not bonds worth having if those on the other ends of them aren’t willing to hear what I say. She thinks we should go to Canterlot tomorrow after training to confront Noir, Luna, and Celestia, preferably in that order. I feel like it’s for the best, but… How do you confront someone you love and fear? Dealing with Graham was easy since I knew exactly where we stood. He was my tormentor, my rapist, the thief of my intimacy for a long time, all of which made it simple for me to decide what to do with him, but I can’t just sentence Noir and Luna to excruciating pain. No, I’ll have to find some other way to deal with them.

So help me, God. I know you’ve got an eye on me, so… I don’t know… Come to think of it, you’ve already given me the strength I need to face them, and I believe that strength is Twilight. I know you don’t really have your hands in the things that go on in Equestria, but it’s just easier for me to thank you for leading me to Twilight than to try and ignore the fact that you let horrible things happen all the time. Then again, you let the good happen too… Fuck, this is getting philosophical. It’s time for bed.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The morning after the Covenant was sealed and Twilight and I had made our deal, I woke up at four or so. My fiance was only about a minute behind me, however, so I didn’t get to look at that lovely, peaceful face of hers for long. The small smile she wore as she slept told me that she’d enjoyed the dream sex rather well, but I didn’t let the images cloud my mind for too long since I’d somehow known that she would be waking up soon after I did. When Twilight opened her eyes, the ‘No kisses before coffee’ rule was absolved then and there, moments before our lips met for the first kiss of the day.

We each said good morning and laid there for a another hour or so before we took a shower together with a little funny business during and a little more afterward. I hoped that we would actually have some time to do stuff before we settled down for the night later, but Twilight doubted that we would be in the mood for much more than happy cuddling, though neither of us had to say anything. We both just knew what the other was feeling and how to put it into words, which was pretty damn cool if I do say so myself.

While we were getting dressed for our morning run, I received a message from Crimson asking if we were still on and I wrote back, hand delivering the note to him with my True Theft since I didn’t want to be bothered with grabbing my Dragon Fire. When I felt him take it, I got Twilight into gear and we headed downstairs to make breakfast for ourselves and Spike whenever he would schlep himself out of bed. I let my fiance do some of the prep work since she couldn’t set anything on fire with a knife, but she was still awful at chopping vegetables. However, I just made her a flower salad with some marigolds, and while she snacked on that, I made my stir fry and grabbed some of my Goat-thing jerky because it was pretty fucking good. I’d used black pepper and my own piss to season it after coating it in Twilight’s poo. If you really think I did that, then you’re a fucking idiot, but I felt like writing it so you’d have to read it. You’re my bitch now. My lingual bitch. How does that make you feel?

Bullshit aside, breakfast was great and Crimson told me that he’d had to scare Starshine out of bed since she had slept through her alarm. I told him to get a fucking school-bell or something so she would wake up properly, but he said that she’d always been a terribly heavy sleeper when he’d been with her and that he’d taken advantage of it a few times. He didn’t go into detail, but I couldn’t imagine that he was sleep-fucking her like some incredi-creep neckbeard with rapey fetishes. I told Twilight what he’d told me and we mused about what he could have been doing to her while she was sleeping. I said that he’d drawn glasses on her face, but Twilight didn’t think that it was likely since she already wore glasses. She thought that Crimson might have drawn phallic imagery on her since she could see how that would be funny and that made Twilight and I break into giggles like children. It wasn’t that the thought of Starshine walking around with dicks on her face amused us so much, but the fact that Twilight had been the one to say so was funnier than anything.

With the mood bright and chipper, Twilight and I jogged to my house to collect my team while the Sun was still breaking the horizon, but when my house came into sight, we saw Adstus coming towards us. We decided not to stop and kept going, which was when I realized that Twilight should have been panting or something since we weren’t exactly close to town. Apparently she’d learned some of my techniques for running more efficiently through The Covenant or osmosis. Either way, I was proud of her for doing better.

My team, Twilight, and myself met somewhere in the middle and we made an about face to head back to town so we could begin our usual circuits. We made it through a full one before Twilight needed a break, so I had everyone job in place while she caught her breath, and I noticed that her method of doing so had changed too. It was a good thing to see in her, but then I started thinking about the bones in Pony’s hooves and that made no sense to me at all. I suddenly knew what they looked like, how they worked, and that hooves were ticklish. A part of me wondered if Twilight always had random information running through her head that loosely pertain to what she was doing and she looked me dead in the eyes, nodding. She made a face and told me that she hadn’t meant to nod, but it’s not like I was surprised or anything. We’d been answering each other’s questions and finishing each other’s sentences all morning.

Swift commented on how weird it was that we had just been chuckling for no reason during the run, but when I told him that it was probably going to be a normal thing from now on, he said that it was pretty weird. Twilight flipped him off and I gave her the two finger salute before Twilight and I took off without warning. I knew Twilight had gotten her breath back and she knew that I was ready to go, so we just up and went, though when Crimson caught up, he voiced his opinion on the matter and said that our in sync actions were starting to get a little creepy and we both told him that it was just going to be like this. There wasn’t anything we could do about it, so we weren’t going to bother with it, which made him grumble.

Twilight took a break every lap, and since she was the one who needed the breaks, Starshine was feeling a little better about running. I didn’t need to ask her if she felt like she was dragging the group down, but it wasn’t because I knew her that well or anything. I just pay attention, dumbass. We eventually finished with that morning exercise, and when we got back home, Onyx was already waiting for us so he could begin combat training. There were already training dummies in the back yard along with multiple pull-up bars that hadn’t been there before, and when I asked where they’d come from, Crimson told me that Luna had them put there last night and was planning on having a few more things put in place later in the day. There would actually be a few contractors coming in to help with some of that kind of stuff, so that was nice.

Training was boring and it sucked since Twilight went home. Onyx had me practice some blade strokes that I’d been taught previously, but I didn’t really need it since I was probably the most lethal person present and had been made into such by way of a much more brutal training regimen. With little else for me to do, I just did the usual guard exercises until I couldn’t move anymore and when I couldn’t move, I meditated and sparred with some of Mini Noir’s constructs. We didn’t talk much while I was in the mindscape, but she did have me go up against a Dragon that was rather quick, the Gryphon I’d fought in one of our war simulation (the fellow with the metal claws), and a cat that was even faster than the Gryphon, but used twin daggers, much like myself. The reach advantage I had with my Kopis had worked wonders and the extra power I had behind my swings knocked the blades from it’s hands one at a time, so I fought an unarmed opponent for a little while. It tried to tire me out, but my stamina has grown considerably and running around me wore it out more than me, so that was nice.

Once I left the mindscape, I stood up from my sitting position and found that training had only progressed an hour while I’d been away for at least four of them, fighting random things. Starshine was having one Hell of a time since Onyx was making her suffer as much as possible, doing his best to get in her head and piss her off. However, Starshine was an Operative for a reason and maintained a blank look on her face throughout Onyx’s diatribes. When they moved onto combat training, Onyx asked Crimson to help teach and I paid attention to every little movement, though there weren’t many flaws that I could find. His style just wasn’t suited to me, so I just went back to the mindscape to practice more hand-to-hand combat against multiple opponents, using both lethal and nonlethal methods to dispatch my foes. Mini Noir still didn’t say much to me and I figured that she was waiting until I got to Canterlot to speak, so I let myself out of the mindscape after I was sure that I was still as sharp as a tack with my mad skills and watched my people train some more.

Starshine was actually pretty capable as a skill based fighter, she just needed to speed up a bit and to add a little strength to her blows. Swift was a fantastic all-rounder with power, speed, and technique in spades, he just needed to learn how to do more than the stuff he’d been taught in the Guard. Iron had the basics down rather well, but she was the lowest person on the totem pole at the moment. I thought that once she got some experience under her belt, she would be a force to be reckoned with. Crimson’s speed, power, and technique were all finely tuned like mine. There’s nothing else to add to that. I would still win in a fight since I was faster, a bit stronger, and my style was variable and diverse, but Crimson would give me quite the run for my money if I wasn’t mistaken. However, if we were both completely serious about winning or taking each other’s lives, I didn’t doubt that I would beat him within a minute since I’d mastered Noir’s physically boosting technique pretty well and done a lot toward learning Luna’s.

Training was finished up with around one, so I told my team to hit the showers and went took one for myself. Once everyone was done and down in the living room, I invited them to explore town for a little bit since it was going to be our base of operations for the time being. Crimson said that he would show anyone that wanted to go around town and point out some places of interest, so I put him in charge of keeping things going while I ran to Canterlot for a few hours. There were a few questions about what I was going to be doing, but when I said that I was going to be talking to Noir and The Princesses, it was clear that I probably wasn’t going to share what we were going to be talking about until it was time to do so, otherwise I would’ve just spat it out. Swift, Crimson, and Iron prepared to get out of the house and Starshine headed upstairs to use my lab to make some medicine instead of poison which shocked the shit out of Crimson and I. She blushed at our staggered faces and protested, saying that she was a chemist, not just a toxicologist. I let it go at that, but Crimson said that he’d never known her to make anything other than poison and she flipped him off, calling him a ‘buckhead’.

I just rolled my eyes and pulled myself into Twilight’s house before exiting and knocking politely, despite having her express permission to teleport into her home whenever I wanted to. Spike answered the door and gave me a bro-fist before letting me in and telling me that Twilight was in the basement doing something or other with an experiment. I thanked him for the unnecessary information (I‘d heard her heartbeat while I was inside) and headed downstairs to go check up on her. When I reached the bottom of the stairs, Twilight was handling a strange yellow glowing liquid that seemed more like sludge than anything. She set it down when I started walking towards her and gave me a wide smile.

“I knew I felt you walk in. How was training?” She asked.

“It was training. It’s going to be boring, but at least I know I’ll have capable fighters by my side when the time comes. How goes the experimenting?”

“It went pretty well. I managed to make a paint that glows in the dark. I think it’ll do wonders for watches, clocks, and the corners of tables for when you have to go somewhere in the middle of the night.”

I chuckled. “The bad thing is that I know you’re completely serious. Can you leave it alone, or does it have to be neutralized?”

“It’s a stable formula without any components that react too poorly together. It might be a little radioactive, but-”

“Stop making it.” I said critically.

Twilight blinked and watched as I walked over and grabbed the vial with my left hand, dropping the dangerous thing into space. “Radioactivity bad. Very bad.”

“Oh… Humans know more about it than Ponies do.” Twilight said quietly.

“A lot more. Too much can give you a few terrible diseases that I don’t want you to have to live with, even if Magic can fix it.”

“It’s nice to know that you’re so protective, but I don’t think I was exposed to too much.”

“You say that, but wait until you grow a sixth finger.”

Twilight looked at her hands. “But I have ten, Max.” She said in a silly voice.

I rolled my eyes and gave her a hug. “You can use them to count the inches of my dick. Are you ready to get this trip to Canterlot over with?”

She gave me an encouraging smile. “We both know you don’t have to ask anymore.”

I shrugged. “I still like talking to you. Makes me feel all wet and slimey inside in all the right ways.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “You’ve got sex on the mind and practically nothing else today.”

“Well, what do you expect? I woke up next to the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met and the Ol’ Chap was ready for action the moment her eyes opened. The fooling around in the shower didn’t help at all.”

“You’ll live without it for a little bit.” Her eyes flickered towards the stairs. “Well, it could wait a few seconds, but I don’t know what Spike has planned for today, so you’ll have to wait for tonight. That is, if you’re still in the mood by the time this is all over.”

I took a deep breath. “It will go well. Like you said; if they’re bonds worth having, then they’re bonds worth fixing.”

She gave me a bright smile. “That’s the spirit, Amour! And if you want, I’ll even hold your hand during all of it like a good Mommy.”

I groaned. “Dear God, are you going to be this patronizing all the time now?”

Twilight giggled. “Only if the time is right. Come on, my handsome little Human. Let Mommy have your hand and she’ll walk you across the street.” She offered me her hand.

I took it and gave her a look. “If you keep calling yourself ‘Mommy’, then I’ll start calling you Mommy during sex.”

“... That’s fucking disturbing, Max.”

I smiled. “You just said ‘fuck’ instead of ‘buck’! I’m so proud of you!”

She rolled her eyes once more. “If you want to try roleplaying like Lily Pad did in A Thousand Moments, then I want you to call me Miss Twilight Rose so I can be your sexy teacher.”

“Kinky. Be sure to wear that little pencil skirt and those heels I like and we’ll do it.”

“Only if you’re a good boy for Mommy.” Twilight said condescendingly.

“Finger. Arse. The two shall meet.”

She blanched. “Alright, Twilight Rose is asking you to hold her hand so she can take you to a private classroom for special tutoring.”

I grinned. “Now we’re fuckin’ talking! Lead the way, Miss Twilight Rose.”

Twilight giggled and teleported us into her old room in the Canterlot Castle since we didn’t have much of a reason to go anywhere else. However, we didn’t expect there to be an occupant in the room pacing back and forth furiously, and when I realized who that occupant was, I felt my heart sink a bit since I really hadn’t wanted to start with Noir. She paused her walking when she saw us come in and approached with a reluctant gait. When she stood in front of us, she gave me a heartbroken look.

“Twilight, could you give Max and I a moment alone? I know he will tell you all of what transpires, but it is a moment that deserves a sham of privacy at the very least.” Noir requested.

My fiance held my hand firmly and I looked at her, drawing a lungful of air. “It’s more up to Max that either of us, Noir. If he wants me here, then I’m not going anywhere.” Twilight replied evenly.

I squeezed her hand and let the breath out. Twilight surrendered my hand and I gave her a quick kiss before she headed out of the room. Noir shook her head and said, “I will never understand the truest form of love, though I suppose it is not unlike the bond we share.”

“That’s what I thought too. It was a lot less scary to know that Twilight was seeing me spiritually naked than to learn that you were looking at my soul’s wang without my knowledge.”

Noir nodded. “Having a stranger in one’s body is a terrifying experience, but you handled it well.”

“I suppose I did…” I trailed off.

Noir and I stood in silence for a long minute that seemed to stretch on for eternity. I knew she knew, but I didn’t whose side of the field the ball was on. “Maximus.” Noir said softly.

“... I should’ve told you.” I responded.

“I do not blame you for holding your tongue. There is only one other person who will know you as well as I now.”

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. “I’m sorry, Noir-”

She gently laid a hand on my shoulder. “No, it is I who should be apologizing. I apologize, Maximus, for pushing you past your limits, for expecting you to be as tough as I am. I always knew that you were hiding something deep within your heart, but I felt that I owed you at least a shred of privacy. Now that I know…” Noir blinked quickly. “I cannot apologize to you enough. I broke my own vow to never torture another living being, and to think that I broke that vow with someone I grew to love.”

I’d never seen Noir cry before. She’d broken down when she’d told me about her being violated in multiple different ways, but she’d never truly shed a tear. Unfortunately I saw her tears fall, but I couldn’t help the way I felt in that moment. I was… I was happy. I was happy that Noir shed her tears because it meant that she was a living being who could feel remorse deeply enough to cry, to weep for her own sins. Still, I couldn’t let her cry without offering her support as she’d done for me so many times, so I levitated myself into the air a ways until I was eye level with her and brought her in for a hug. Noir buried her face into my shoulder and I held her for as long as she needed, time be damned. All I wanted was for Noir to know that I couldn’t hold it against her any longer, so I squeezed her as tight as I could.

“You’re forgiven, Noir. Completely and totally.” I whispered.

“I do not deserve your forgiveness, Maximus.” She murmured.

“Too fucking bad. You can accept it in your heart through my words or you can take it up the arse with my foot.”

Noir hugged me a little tighter after that, but she didn’t say anything else. I wasn’t expecting her to suddenly accept my forgiveness or to forgive herself right away, though I rather wished that things would just work out like that sometimes. They don’t. Not with people who actually think about their actions. In any case, our moment was extended for as long as it needed to be and the healing process was begun. A little added bonus was that Noir was wearing a sports bra and her mammaries were very soft, but I wasn’t thinking about it in such a tender moment… Okay, I was, but in my defense, the fuckers are huge! Every time I hug Noir, I can’t help but feel my heart smile a little wider.

We eventually let each other go and I put myself back on floor. I had to reach up awfully high to wipe Noir’s tears away, but I still did it and she gave me a mild smile. “I promise to you, Maximus, that I shall continue training you, but as you need to be trained, rather than as I forced you to. Never again will I put you through such atrocities.”

“But you’ll let me go to war and create my own?” I scoffed jokingly.

“It is our nature as protectors and warriors to bear the sins that the innocent cannot. I believe you might say ‘Suck it up and quit being a little bitch.’.”

I huffed at her and gave her a crooked grin. “I’ll suck it up when you start shooting it out. Thank you for understanding, Noir.”

She nodded. “I will always be there for you, no matter what. I hope the fear in your heart has eased.”

I sighed. “With you, it has. Now I just need to confront Lunatic and Celestia.”

“I would offer to be by your side, but I believe Twilight already fills that role for you. However, I do ask that you keep in mind that I will be talking to Celestia and Luna, discussing way that we might make you less… Uncomfortable with us. Perhaps we will try some good old fashioned bonding?” Noir said.

“That would be lovely, but I doubt you three will have much time in the coming days-”

“I will make time for you, even if it is only in your mindscape. From there, we will see what happens. Perhaps we will have pizza and take a stroll around Ponyville?”

“Sounds perfect to me. Whenever we get a chance, we’ll have to pair up some time.” I gave her a smile.

Noir returned it. “And so we shall. On with you: there is more for you to do this day.”

I nodded and gave her another quick hug before walking out of the room. Twilight met me with a wide smile and gave me a hug of her own, and when we started walking, I started talking about the exact way things had gone with Noir. There weren’t all that many details she couldn’t glean from feelings, but what few there were, I shared. We continued on towards Day Court since I was a little wary of talking to Luna, but Twilight steered us toward her since she felt like I should get her out of the way before Celestia, so I sighed and resigned myself to my fate. Teleportation shouldn’t have been out of the question, but Twilight said that we weren’t in a hurry or anything, so we took a little longer in getting to Luna’s tower than we had to. When we got to her room, the guards that were stationed there allowed me entry and Twilight waited in the hall, offering me moral support from a distance while I walked in.

L una’s room was as dark as usual, so after my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I tried and failed to reach her bed more quietly as to not surprise her or anything. However, there was a string that I walked into that made Luna bolt upright in her bed and send a magical laser in my direction. Luckily, I’d hit the deck when I felt the string since I thought there was going to be a pendulum or something that would come down and take my bloody head off or something, so I avoided it handily.

The Lunar Diarch let the beam subside and I got to my feet. “Fucking Christ, Luna! Who are you expecting, the fucking Inquisition or something!?”

“Maximus?” She asked sharply. “Surely you have more sense that to try and sneak into my room for a prank while there is a war brewing!”

“I was coming to wake you up for a quick talk, not get my head blasted off!”

She sniffed. “You should have had someone announce your presence then.” The lights flickered on, dim and cold. “Come now. If it is important enough for you to risk my fury, then I suppose I could give you a quick talk.”

I sighed and walked over to her bed, but when I was halfway there, she told me to stop and take a long step for reasons unknown, so I did and voided another trap. Once I was sitting next to her, she maintained the look she’d been giving me. “So what is it you want to talk about? I believe the training equipment is being delivered in a timely manner.”

“Yeah, no, that’s not it. Thanks for that, but there’s something else on my mind.”

She waited for me to say it. “And that would be…?”

I took a deep breath. “I’m afraid of you.”

“Naturally. One does not complete the training I have put you through and come out unafraid of their Mistress.” Luna said simply.

“... I really don’t want to be afraid of you.” I” said slowly.

“Then don’t be. I’m not going to kill you or anything of the like.” She replied, as if it were that easy.

“Look, Luna, this isn’t something that I would bother you with if I thought I could fix it on my own-”

“Then what do you want me to do about it?” She asked curtly.

“... I don’t really know, though if you would stop threatening to kill me , that would be great.”

Luna sighed. “I will try, but I just want to skin that adorable little face of yours.”

I gave her a look. “That’s the kinda shit I’m talking about.”

She waved my worries aside. “As you say. I assume you will be speaking to Noir about the same subject?”

“Already taken care of. She apologized and I forgave her.”

“What did she even apologize for?”

“Effectively torturing me. Stop being daft, woman. You know your training wasn’t as bad, but it was still brutal.”

“I refuse to apologize for making you stronger.” Luna huffed.

I took a deep breath. “If you don’t want to, then asking you to apologize would be pointless.”

She looked at me intensely. “What would that accomplish in the first place? All you would have is words-”

“That wasn’t the important part. It’s not important.” I shook my head. “If there’s nothing you want to talk about, then I’m out of things to say.”

“Surely you aren’t going to leave this conversation as it is? Maximus, if you felt the need to wake me, then I assume that this is a matter that’s been weighing on you for some time.” Luna said, surprising me with the tenderness in her voice.

“... Well, yeah, kinda. I don’t know how I was expecting this to go. Noir just made the first go ‘round really easy on me.”

Luna sighed. “I don’t know what to tell you other than that I will not purposefully cause harm to you for any other reason than to make you stronger.”

I shrugged. “Then that’s all I’m really looking for. It’s not like I need you to swear it or anything, just knowing that you’ll try and curtail it means a lot to me.”

She nodded and placed a hand on my arm. “Of course. Know that you are safe, Maximus. As my ally and my friend, if I may say that…?” She half-asked. I nodded. “As my friend, I wish to keep you happy, even if the tides of war are slowly coming to shore.”

I gave her a lopsided smile. “Thanks, Luna. I’ll keep being annoying, but I won’t blow your bed to the ceiling again.”

“So you finally admit it!” She cried. “No pressure, no threats; you finally own up to your deed!”

I chuckled. “I didn’t realize it meant that much to you.”

She huffed. “Not knowing if you were being truthful or if you were being pinned against the wall made it harder to tell, but now I have my answer. That was a terrible prank.”

“It was fantastic, it just went a little higher than I expected is all. I really wasn’t trying to get you hurt or anything.”

“I was not injured, simply surprised and a bit squished. However, if you do something similar to Celestia…” Luna gave me a devious smile.

“I can’t. I don’t have Dark Magic anymore.” I shrugged.

“Could you not borrow some of my own? Or Noir’s, since I believe she would be willing to assist you.”

“Eh, reusing a prank so soon-”

“It’s been two years.”

“... Fair enough. Don’t tell me you two are still pulling pranks on each other right now.”

Luna shrugged. “Fewer than we usually would, but we still have our moments. Between keeping the citizens out of a state of emergency and trying to keep our castle affairs within excellent order, we’ve had less time for them.”

I shook my head and rose from Luna’s bed. “Speaking of keeping things in order, I’ve gotta go see Celestia and talk to her. Thanks for being cooperative though, Luna.”

Luna’s face fell ever so slightly, but she slipped a metaphorical mask on within the blink of an eye. “Of course, I wish you well with your talk.”

I sat back down and waited for her to say something else, looking at her expectantly. “...Is there anything else you want to say? I’m sure Twilight can wait a little while longer.”

Luna tilted her head, her mask intact. “I do not know what you mean. We have said our peace, have we not?”

“You’re forgetting that I’m more perceptive than most. Is something on your mind?” I asked.

“Nothing of importance. Why do you ask?”

“Your face when I said that I was going to go talk to Celestia. Your brows furrowed, you frowned slightly, your nose twitched, and I could practically watch as you tried to mitigate all of those.”

She cut me a glare. “You are imagining things, holding yourself from having a more uncomfortable talk. Go and get it over with, Maximus. Tarrying here will only make things last that much longer.”

I tilted my head at her. “Celestia can wait a while longer. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong. Again, you are simply prolonging your time with me to avoid talking to Celestia, and now you’re cutting into my sleep.”

“You say that like we actually need to sleep. Luna, you let me voice my worries, let me do the same for you.” I said kindly.

She rolled her eyes. “There are no worries to voice here, Max, unless you have more of your own.”

“Is it something you don’t want Celestia to know about?” I asked.

Luna colored. “I was suggesting, now I’m telling.”

I offered my hand to her and she looked at it. “You’re supposed to hold it, you know.” I snarked.

She glared at me and put her hand in mine. “If you propose to me, I am telling Twilight.”

“She would know anyway. No, what I’m trying to say is that you can trust me with any secret, and I hope that I can eventually prove that to you in full.”

Luna squeezed my hand. “In time, perhaps. For now, stop talking and let me get some sleep, you accursed Human.”

I let go of her hand and rose from her bed once more. “Fine. I can see Lulu doesn’t want me around-”

“You’re finally getting the picture.” She interrupted drily.

I rolled my eyes. “I’m going to fuck with you the minute you get back to sleep for that.”

“Do it and I’ll hit you with a used toy.”

“Can I lick it first?”

“I never said where that toy was going to be used.”

I raised a brow. “So what? I’m a risk taker!”

“Even if the toy turned out to be one of Shining Armours?” She asked, deadpan.

“... Evil. That’s just evil.” I shivered.

Luna laughed and I showed her my two favourite fingers. “Now will you go?” She asked.

“God, yes, I’m so done with you right now.” I chuckled.

As I turned to walk away, she said, “What? Do I not warrant a hug?”

I came back, gave her a hug, and was on my way mere moments later. Twilight was taking to the guards and they were all speaking softly for some odd reason, and when I popped out, Twilight politely excused herself from the conversation. We traversed through the castle with one of Luna’s chamber-guards following close behind us since guards do that sort of thing from time to time. He ‘escorted’ us to the Court Hall because reasons, though it wasn’t like Twilight and I didn’t already know the way, and when we got there, I asked him to return to his original station and he actually saluted me, unlike basically any other Day Guard that’s ever been a Day Guard.

Twilight and I entered through the public entry, but when we got there, plenty of people were waiting in line to see Celestia as it was. Seriously, the line was fucking ridiculous, and as the line moved, we just went to go sit at the back of it for a little bit, but those who recognized us, or rather, those who recognized Twilight, let us go ahead of them time after time until we were second in line. Seriously, that had gone on for a good ten minutes and people weren’t exactly shy about letting each other know that the newest power couple were behind the next person in line. Still, there were so many people in line, it really did take a good while, but when we finally got to a certain point, we were allowed in to see Celestia.

When Celestia saw up, the general matronly look of kindness on her face melted into one of mild relief, but when she gave it a second thought, it turned into a look of worry. “Twilight? Max? What brings you two to the castle?”

I waved. “Hullo to you too, Hun.”

“Hi Celestia.” Twilight waved.

She waved back, a confused look on your face. “... Hello, I suppose. Is there a reason you’re cutting in front of the dozens of ponies in line before you?”

I scratched my head. “Well, that’s kind of a funny story, actually.”

Twilight held my hand. “Max tried to wait in the back of the line, but everyone just kept letting us go ahead of them.”

Celestia’s brows furrowed for a moment, but she let it go. “In that case, I suppose you tried to play fair. Is there something you need-” Luna teleported in during the middle of her sentence.

“Hello sister.” Luna said, yawning a little.

Celestia looked at her. “Hello, Luna. Is everything alright?”

“Perfectly fine. I will take over court if you would like to take a small break.” Luna offered.

The Solar Diarch’s eyes slid over to myself and Twilight before coming back to Luna. “... Alright, what is this? Are you three trying to tell me something?” An opportunity!

“We’re taking over, Celestia. With the tides changing, the three of us have decided that you’re obsolete.” Celestia gave me a look. “Don’t worry, Hun, you’ll be well looked after.” I said softly.

Twilight smiled brilliantly. “We’ve already started getting you a grand home in Ponyville started! You can keep living in the Castle if you want, but we think it would be for the best if you stepped down for a little while. You know, rest your hooves, kick back and let the new generation take care of things. With Noir and Luna watching over us, I’m sure we’ll be able to take your place very well.”

Celestia’s eyes widened. “You can’t be serious, Twilight! You know I would never simply ‘step down’ and let two novice rulers take over my position! How could I just wash my hands with Equestria when there is so much at stake!?”

Luna laid a hand on her shoulder and said, “That’s why Noir and I shall be looking over their shoulders at every little thing they do. You truly have stretched yourself thin over the goings on of Equestria, sister, and I for one refuse to see yourself go insane over the coming days. I do wish that you would relax a little more often-”

Celestia set her jaw. “I am not stepping down from the throne.”

I rolled up my left sleeve, activating my True Theft, looking at Twilight. “I told you she was going to make us do this the hard way.”

Twilight’s horn lit up and her hands were encased in a magenta aura. “Don’t rub it in, Max. It really does make you seem like less of a man.”

“Tch, you just hate me for being right.” I scoffed.

We looked toward Celestia at the same time and the white woman had already risen from her throne, The Sunlight Blade in her hand. Luna stood of to the side, her hand covering her mouth for some odd reason. Celestia prepared to draw the Sunlight blade, but I stuck my hand through the dimensions and grabbed one of the sensitive nodes and squeezed pretty hard. Celestia started and I held on, keeping hold of the tender protrusion while she started wriggling about. Twilight’s magenta shaded hands crossed the span of the room and grabbed Celestia other wing while Celestia tried to move toward us. Her steps were uneven, so I switched tact and grabbed her tail, having Twilight take over with molesting Celestia while she was immobilized.

“What are you two doing!?” Celestia cried, her face a perfect picture of ‘What the fuck!?’.

“I’m holding your tail.” I said pleasantly.

“And I’m just holding your wings.” Twilight added airily.

Luna chuckled. “I believe they have you in a vice, sister. It would be wise to surrender.”

Celestia colored, but as she went to speak, Twilight suddenly balled her hands into fists and Celestia stifled a moan. “St~op!” She said, her voice sweetened with pleasure.

I looked at Twilight. “What do you think, Cherry? Do you think she’ll give up the throne if we just give up when she tells us to?”

My fiance rolled her eyes. “I wouldn’t even stop if she told me to. Why don’t we go a little while longer, have ourselves a good time with her afterwards, and then we’ll stop.”

We stepped a bit closer and gave each other a peck while Celestia’s wings slowly extended to their full length. “Please stop! I don’t know what game you’re playing, but this is far enough!”

Luna looked at us and shook her head, so Twilight and I kept messing with her. “I don’t know, Hun. Maybe you should tell us why we should stop and we’ll take it into consideration.”

Twilight shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m having fun watching, to be honest with you. To think, we could hold Celestia back by exploiting her greatest weakness.”

“It’s absolutely daft to be honest with you.” I chuckled.

“It’s hilarious! Just think of how we can take over Equestria, one person at a time using this method!” Twilight cackled evilly.

I joined her shortly after and then the guards in the room got involved. Twilight just teleported them away to another part of the castle when they got too close, but Celestia didn’t know that since she didn’t share a telepathic link with my woman. It was honestly hilarious to see her grow more worried and confused by the moment, but then she stopped being worried and started being furious.

“Maximus, Twilight Sparkle, this is your last chance. If this is a prank, I will let it go, but if you are serious…” She drew The Sunlight Blade.

Twilight let go of her wings and I let go of her tail. “Really now, Sunbutt. Why would we want to take over Equestria? Neither of us have aspirations that high.”

My fiance nodded beside me. “Max is right, though I do think you should take a break some time.”

Celestia breathed a sigh of relief. “You had me going there for a moment.” She glared at Luna. “You not helping them was the biggest tip off, however. To think you would say that you were assisting in my dethronement!”

Luna shrugged. “It was funny. Now get down so I can sit in your spot while Max talks to you.”

Celestia blinked at her before looking at me. “You mean there was something else you had to do other than torment me?”

I booped her from across the room with my Magic. “Yup. We’ve gotta talk about a thing.”

She touched her face before glaring at me. “What if I don’t want to talk to you?”

“Then I teleport you to Max until you feel like talking to him.” Twilight said.

Celestia stared at her. “Since when are you so bold, Twilight? Or rather, since when do you sound so much like Max? Don’t think I haven’t noticed that you’ve been saying things like ‘everyone’ instead of ‘everypony’ and ‘person’ instead of ‘pony’.”

Twilight and I shrugged at the same time, whipped out hands above our heads and twirled in a circle before bowing shallowly toward Celestia. Luna and her sister were both staring at us like we’d lost our damn minds which made us giggle like primary school children. Twilight and I shared one more kiss before performing a secret handshake that we came up with on the fly while we were still giggling our fucking arses off, and once we were finished, we looked at the Princesses.

“Alright, so Twilight and I found the truest form of love.” I said jovially.

My fiance held my hand. “It’s really been a fun time so far. We just keep doing things in sync and people give us the strangest looks, but it’s funnier than anything.”

Celestia blinked a few times. “... In all my time on Equus, I’ve rarely heard of two people having it as bad as you do.”

“It is the same here.” Luna added.

I shrugged. “That’s nice and all, but we’re burning daylight here, Hun. Let’s go talk real quick and you can get back to ruling.”

Twilight gave me a peck on the cheek. “I’ll be here, keeping Luna company.”

I raised a brow. “Try and keep your tongue in check, okay? I know it’s probably going to get real tempting to snipe at people, but we’ve gotta be real royalty within the walls… Most of the time.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “I’m only as free with my words as I have been because I’ve been around you. I’ll be a good little girl, okay Daddy?”

I gagged and she cackled. “That’s fucking weird! What’s with you and the parent thing!?”

Twilight shrugged. “I don’t know, maybe it’s something I got from you.” She walked up the stairs of the dais with Luna as Celestia walked down.

She and Luna waved at Celestia and I before we teleported to the Royal Family room. Celestia and I had a seat on the couch near one of the walls and sat in silence for a little bit. I was honestly dreading Celestia the most since I didn’t know how to approach her, but it wasn’t like I was expecting her to be mad. I was just confused as to how I was supposed to bring up the fact that I felt so… Conflicted about her. I can’t say that I truly feared her per se, but there was a lack of trust from my side, and I knew that it was unfair of me to ask Celestia to trust me when I didn’t trust her all that much myself. These thoughts ran through my head and I leaned back in my seat, looking up at the ceiling while thinking.

“So what’s on your mind, Max? I don’t think you would ask for a word if it was something unimportant.” Celestia said softly.

“Do you trust me, Celestia?” I asked.

“Of course I do. We’ve been through this-”

“And we’re not going to go through it again.” I sighed. “What I’m trying to get at is that I don’t trust you, and I can’t say that it’s undeserved. I’m… I’m stuck, at the moment. I can think of reasons why I should trust you, like the fact that you’d be willing to do just about anything for me, or that you would never try to hurt me unless it was for my own good like with the lessons we had, but I still feel my knuckles ache from time to time when I think of you, or I feel my heart throb when I think about what you’ve done. Things like what we’ve been through aren’t easy to get over, but…”

Celestia wasted no time in levitating me so she could maneuver me into her arms for a kiss. Actions truly do speak louder than words, and as I felt the radiant warmth and the tingle in spread through my digits and toes, I knew that Celestia still held love in her heart for me, that she still regretted her actions, but I felt that she was as broken as I was in different way, maybe even more so. There were a lot of unspoken things that were understood in that kiss, like that Celestia wouldn’t hurt me until I truly did rise up against her, or if I started becoming a threat to Equestria. She wouldn’t betray the trust I was willing to give her, if anything than because she was afraid of losing me herself, just as I was afraid of losing her. The cracks in our facade lined up, some cracks more than others, but they followed the same paths and I saw that I really was similar to Celestia. It was a sobering thought as well as an enlightening one, so when she broke her kiss and gazed at me, I had a feeling I knew what she was going to say.

“Kaid, as one of the few ponies that know of your true name, I swear to you that I will earn your trust again. I don’t care how long it takes, whether it be the decade we have left before we can be together again or if it’s the years beyond we’ll have to spend in each other’s company. I swear upon my mother’s grave that I will never, never betray you like I have again, Maximus. I-”

I stroked her cheek and looked at her. “I believe you.”

Celestia cupped my face with her hand and kissed me again. I shouldn’t have let it happen, but I did, and it was surprisingly pleasant. I missed kissing Celestia, but I knew that Twilight would know within moments of it happening, if nothing than for the simple fact that I would have told her anyway. Celestia and I let ourselves get lost in the moment for a few more seconds, but I pulled away and she looked at me sadly.

“I miss you, Max.” She said quietly.

“I miss you too, but this is for the best.” I replied in the same tone.

Celestia lowered me to my feet and rose from the couch. “I’m sure you’ll tell Twilight about what happened. If you don’t, then I’ll be sure to do it.” She sighed heavily. “It’s hard to be patient, but I know that the day will come that we’ll finally have our time together.”

I gave her a hug. “It’ll feel like a few days when we look back at it.”

She returned it. “But it feels like decades as it is now. It’s about time I got you back to Twilight, isn’t it?”

“Right. We can walk and talk some more if you like.”

Celestia let me go and smiled. “I’d like that. I’d like that a lot”

And so we walked and did a bit of talking. Celestia and I talked about The War and how I would play into it since she’d had a meeting with Noir and Luna about what to do with my team and the rest of things, which gave her a rather satisfactory result. Basically, I’d be acting as a true Strike Force, used for infiltration and what not. As for the war itself, I’d be acting as the heavy hitting small team that assaults camps and other infantry squads to make sure shit dies real good, but what I was mostly hoping for was to be put in the thick of things while my team helped out with the Operative type stuff. I wasn’t upset or disappointed with the decision, but I knew that my team and its members would become high value targets within a few missions.

After our little briefing session, Celestia told me that I already had a mission lined up that would take me into Bridleland to see what was going on there. Though I would be there as an actual ambassador, I was also supposed to be keeping an eye out for any suspicious activity. I asked Celestia to make sure that we had good ties with Gryphonia while I was at it and she said that it would be my mission after Bridleland. I wept on the inside since it meant that I would be gone for some time, but then I remembered that Twilight could probably come with me if I really wanted her to, but Celestia shot those hopes down and told me that Twilight would be handling Chrysalis and would be heading to Maretonia shortly after, meaning that we would be apart for a good amount of time.

Sadly, things only got worse from there, seeing as how Discord had sent Celestia a personal little note saying that the war would be fought wherever the fuck he felt like having it, so nothing looked good. Our spirits and mood fell with that news being passed along and that explained why Celestia had been ready to go for the kill when Twilight and I had started messing with her. When it comes to a control freak like she was, nothing good comes of trying to take power out of her hands. The only saving grace I had was that I had two days to spend with Twilight before we had to go, so I was looking forward to that and that alone.

Celestia and I arrived at the Court Hall while someone was voicing a grievance to Luna and Twilight about someone copying their idea for a painting. He’d brought photos and everything, but when Celestia and I came to inspect them, the differences in the two photos were glaring, obvious, and quite frankly, they would take a complete idiot to misunderstand the difference between the pieces. One was a painting of a woman in a black and blue dress and the other was of a man in a white and gold one. Besides the different sexes of the models, the dresses were different colors of the same style, so Celestia, Luna, Twilight, and I all ruled that the fucker didn’t even have a case since there were obvious differences of the pieces. He tried arguing that it was the spirit of the piece that mattered, but Luna cut him off and said the spirit or rather, the beauty of a piece was in the eye of the beholder and the four ruling beholders said that he didn’t have a case. The guy left in a huff and said that we just couldn’t appreciate true art and I had to fight the urge to flip him off for being a little bitch.

With that said and done, Twilight and I gave hugs to Celestia and I gave one to Luna, though Twilight was a little hesitant until I suggested that she at least start with a handshake. She and Luna exchanged the most awkward of goodbyes while Celestia and I agreed on the sidelines that we would get them to hug one of these days, but then Celestia and I started talking about how I’m the only one out of the Royal Family that Luna hugs besides her, so we decided that we would get Luna to hug Twilight eventually. Of course the two of them were listening to them, but Celestia and I were staring them in the eye as we were speaking anyway, so that made them roll their eyes and give a hug a try. Luna looked slightly uncomfortable, but when Twilight gave her a kind smile, Luna seemed to ease up a bit and mentioned that Twilight might expect a hug next time, which was heart-warming to say the least. When Luna saw that she had three sets of eyes on her and three smiles directed towards her, she blushed. Before anyone could say anything, she said that she was going back to bed and teleported out.

Celestia said that Twilight and I should follow suit so she could get through some of the line that was present, but Twilight ran up to the dais and handed her a clipboard with a schedule on it that would get every person in the Waiting Hall in before it was time for her to close Day Court. Celestia gave it a quick look and asked if Twilight wanted to explain it to her real quick and Twilight gave her a rundown, but she ended her quick assessment by saying that she and I had nothing else to do for the day. Thankfully, Sunbutt corrected her and told Twilight to go home with me so we could spend more time with each other before we had to leave for our respective missions. Twilight looked to me for an explanation and I told her that I would clarify when we got home. Celestia said she would send dossiers with what she wanted us to find out while we were away and my fiance just got that much more curious.

Twilight teleported us to her home after a few more goodbyes and we alighted to her couch. I wrote Crimson a note and told him that I would be staying at Twilight’s for the night and we did some cuddling shortly after we got that written out. Spike popped his head in when he heard us talking and asked if we were really going to go on a mission together, but I explained that we were going on separate diplomatic missions. Spike was saddened to hear that he was going to be on his own for a couple of weeks, but then he got really excited until I told him that I would break both of his dicks if he dared to have sex on Twilight’s bed. He paled considerably and barely managed to say that the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind, but I gave him a level glare because I fucking knew better. Twilight actually gagged when I brought that up, so I rubbed her back and told Spike to throw a party at my house if he wanted to, but I warned him to clean up afterward and to not have sex on my bed either, otherwise I’d chop them off.

He got the point.

With Spike out of the way, Twilight and I spent a little more time doing a whole lot of nothing until Celestia sent over the dossiers. She actually switched them around a bit, having me visit Mexicolt and Twilight visit Bridleland, but I wasn’t that disappointed. It meant that Twilight wasn’t going to have to go to that Hellhole, but then again, I didn’t want to fucking go either, so that was a bit shit. Either way, we needed to get that shit done, so I sent Crimson and Starshine both a note saying that they were going to be on escort detail and gave them a choice of who they’d rather go with. Crimson said that he would rather go with me (no surprise there) and Starshine said that she would happily go with Twilight since it would give them more time to talk about science and bullshit. When I got that sorted, we started writing in our journals and that was nice.

To recap: It’s nice that I got things settled with Shining for the time being. I really hope the streak we’re on persists for awhile longer, and hopefully Night Light will come around and start being less of a prick in general once he sees that his son finally gave up the bullshit. I can’t say that I’m happy about Twilight shoehorning us into being friends, but then again, it’s better than being enemies for something I couldn’t fucking control in the first place. I really do hope it lasts, but you just never know with relationships and whatnot.

As far as Iron and Swift trying things out, I think things might work out for them, but then again, I don’t exactly play matchmaker very often… Actually, the last two matches I made were fucking fantastic apparently. When I got ~~Ma~~- Will and Beatrix together way back in the day, I told him for months that she was the one for him and they ended up working pretty well together, but that’s all the thinking I want to do about them. Trixie and Orchid are getting fucking married the day before Twilight and I get going on our diplomatic missions, so that’s nice too. Maybe I’m just good with love? Maybe Cadance and I were attracted to each other because of those very reasons? Shit, in this magical land of bullshit, it wouldn’t surprise me too much.

Growing closer with Twilight was nice. I like it. I mean, I don’t think it’s heart-stoppingly amazing or anything, it’s just… Good, I guess. I consider it a benefit of course, and I don’t mind that Twilight knows literally everything about me, so I can’t really say there’s anything about it that I dislike. I’m probably sounding like I don’t give a damn, but I just don’t feel all that strongly about it. I mean, I already knew that I would do anything for Twilight, and I didn’t really need The Covenant to make sure that I did. Again, it’s nice, but I just don’t feel like it was necessary.

Getting my dirty laundry aired was… Well, easier than I expected. I was expecting to keep those secrets for a few hundred more years, but having Twilight push me to get my worries voiced has lifted a bit more of that weight on my heart, and I know it’s for the better. I don’t really have much to say about it.

I suppose that’s all for now. I might have missed something, but this entry ran a little long anyway, so fuck it. Maybe I’ll read through some of my older ones before heading to bed with Twilight. One positive thing about being an Alicorn-Abomination is that I feel sufficiently rested whenever I get any amount of sleep, so that’s pretty cool.

Tomorrow, however, I’ve definitely got to get more liquor. I hope the bring your own booze thing has went over well back at my house, but even if it hasn’t, it’s not like your average Pony drinks that much anyway. Eh, it’s whatever. For the time being, I’m done writing.

Author's Note

And so another chapter is complete.

Now Max and Twilight practically know each other's thoughts. How creepy.

As Always, Stay Cool, Kids

Chapter Fifty-One: Fuck Me (Not In The Nice Way)
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Fifty-One: Fuck Me (Not In The Nice Way)

Chapter Fifty-One: Fuck Me (Not In The Nice Way)

The two days Twilight and I had together flew by faster than I would have liked. I still trained with my team, got our morning runs done, and attended Trixie’s wedding, which was a rather small affair. It was pretty nice considering that she chose to get married in front of Town Hall in Ponyville itself, but that would be placing expectations on her and I try not to do that. The wedding ceremony itself was rather nice, though it was a little on the short side, which didn’t bother me much at all. The only thing I want is for Trixie to be happy and if the tears of pure joy I saw her shedding were anything to go by, then Trixie was as happy as she could be, and when the kiss came, their lips lingered a little longer than necessary, but that too was perfectly fine. I was happy to see my surrogate sister happy, and at the reception, I even supplied the booze straight from Canterlot myself. The alcohol was good and the food was good, and I even got to learn that Trixie could dance her fucking arse off like no other. It made me a little scared for my own reception, but it’s not like I had that many dances to go through, I don’t believe.

Enough talk about weddings and all that nicey-nice bullshit. Let’s get on to me shagging your Mum like the cheap floozy she is. Well, I can’t really shag your Mum, Celestia, and I wouldn’t shag your Mum, Twilight, because I don't want to give Night Light another reason to hate me. As for you, Noir, Uror, I don’t know if you two even have mothers to give the sex to, so I’m not even going to try. If you’re not one of those four people, kill yourself before I get my hands on you. Trust me, it’ll be less painful for your family to know that you took your own life instead of having your soul ripped from your body so you can wither away before their very eyes. What’s that you say? You can’t conjure up the nerve to do it? Well I can help you with that, mate. All I need is you to stand still for a little bit and I’ll just tear your will to live straight from your body and we’ll be square. After all, what’s a few intangible concepts between a victim and the tormentor?

Promises of death aside, Twilight and I spent the rest of the night of the reception at her house. We’d spent the day before at mine, so it was only fair that we spend a little time at hers, so when she changed me into Roxy and told me that we were going to go at it until we just couldn’t anymore to make up for the time we were going to lose, I wasn’t exactly complaining. I wasn’t complaining at all. My tongue was tired by the time we were done, but so was Twilight’s. We were both shaky around the leg area and neither of us wanted to sleep and lose what little time we had together, so we laid in her bed and basked in the afterglow for as long as we could, which was a lovely feeling. We traded kisses and pecks throughout the night, often not saying a damned thing between the two of us, just because we knew we didn’t have to. We knew our time together was growing shorter and shorter by the second, so we focused on absorbing as much of each other as we could. The main thing that sucked was that we wouldn’t even be able to visit each other because of the time differences between the places we were supposed to go. It was going to be a fortnight full of suck, but I was willing to let it go if it meant helping out Equestria like it needed.

Hour before we were slated to leave, I had enough time to get this written out as per Twilight’s request, but I just didn’t see how I was supposed to make much of the two days that had already passed. I mean, there just wasn’t that much in the way of interesting things that happened, and even Trixie’s wedding wasn’t an event that needed a full page of things to be written about it. She and I had barely talked throughout it, so I didn’t feel the need to record that much of it, and none of the conversations I had that day really differed enough for me to write them down. How you can answer ‘Are you excited that your sister is getting married today?’ in any way other than ‘Yes’ is a little beyond me, but it’s not really my place to say what is and isn’t proper. Well, these are my journals so I can say whatever the fuck I want, now can’t I?
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A few hours after my last entry, Twilight and I had to part ways. I would be taking a train past Appaloosa and into Mexicolt and Twilight would be heading north toward Manehattan to use the Teleportation Station to get to Bridleland. She wasn’t looking forward to the trip at all since she knew she was going to be ill in a foreign place, though at the very least Starshine was going to share in her suffering. On my side of things, Crimson wasn’t too happy about going to Mexicolt with me again, but I told him that we were going there as diplomats instead of Operatives and that he could have the honor of wearing the Adstus suit the entire time. He grumbled and moan about having to wear a suit in the Mexicolt heat, but I assured him that we were heading toward one of the cooler regions. Sadly, he corrected me and said that we would be heading toward the middle of Mexicolt, straight into Mexicolt City. Shit was bad since I was going to have to wear a suit as well, but I was prepared to deal with it as needed as long as we didn’t occupy the same underbelly of a carriage while trying to cross the border.

Twilight and I gave each other a few more kisses before we boarded our respective trains in Canterlot and promised to write each other before we fell asleep every night, though Crimson and Starshine just stood and talked to each other for a little bit. Starshine made a quick pit-stop by her sister’s place to go pick up her weapons, but the woman was already packing poisonous mild explosives like she needed to be any more dangerous. I told Starshine that i would ruin her face, anus, and vaginal regions with my fists and the Warbling Blade if she got Twilight poisoned, but Starshine assured me that she was the best toxicologist in Equestria for a reason and left it at that. I don’t know why she did, but I felt a little better knowing that she had antidotes to her poison, just in case she got herself or Twilight fucked up by accident.

My train arrived before Twilight’s did and I gave her one last kiss as I headed into my designated car. It sucked that Mexicolt was so traditionalistic that they didn’t have Teleportation Stations, meaning that Crimson and I were going to be in for a long ride. However, we both had each other for company while we rode, and I’d brought along the spare copy of A Star-Crossed Love for him to read while we were heading out. He made it a few chapters into the book before he took a break, the swaying of the train giving him a headache while he read.

While he was leaning back with his eyes closed, Crimson asked, “So what do you make of this whole thing, Max? I mean, we’re going in the first class car on our way to Mexicolt when the last time we were there, we arrived by the shadiest means possible. How do you feel about it?”

I sighed. “Mate, I’m just hoping you don’t get caught out for being the person that poisoned that cabal of dogs to be straight with you. I don’t want you to get fucked up for tying up loose ends and all, but I’m not sure if I can protect you against the Mexicoltian government if they come after you.”

Crimson took a breath. “If you don’t get us caught, we won’t be. I never used my real name and I doubt anyone in the government knows my face, so we should be relatively safe. I’m asking if you’re just okay with being an ambassador to a country you really don’t know that much about.”

“It’s been on my mind, to be honest with you. I don’t see why Celestia didn’t have me deal with Chrysalis and Elfriede and let Twilight take the Pony countries, but I’m sure she has her reasons.”

Crimson raised a brow. “I’ve heard word around the grapevine that you had to save Princess Cadance’s and Prince Shining’s wedding from Chrysalis. I don’t really think you should be dealing with her either, to be fair.”

I gave him a look. “Who do you think brokered the peace deal between Equestria and the Changeling Empire anyway? I saved Chrysalis’ life, and she might be an ungrateful, sadistic, warped cunt, but I can manage her better than Twilight can. I know why I’m talking to Elfriede, but I seriously don’t understand why I’m not dealing with Chrysalis too. I mean, there was that one time I decked her-”

“Wait, you punched a Queen?” Crimson asked incredulously. “When was this!?”

“It was before I left Equus for those two years, before I became a Prince. Chryssy got me back, however, so don’t think that we’re at odds at the moment. Well… I did kinda insinuate that I would end her entire species if she dared to lay a hand on Twilight, so there’s always that.”

“... Was that back when you still had Dark Magic?”

“Yeah.”

“So it was a very real possibility?”

“Oh no, it was a certainty. If Noir would’ve let me tap into my life force, I could’ve been as powerful as Luna if I didn’t mind dying a few hundred years early, and for Twilight, I wouldn’t have minded at all. Now that I know Twilight and I are both immortal, I’m not as worried about it, but it’s not like I have Dark Magic anymore.”

“You know, with the subject matter we’re currently on, I’m very glad that this is a private car and that we’re alone in here.” Crimson said quietly.

I rolled my eyes. “I could just steal the memories from whoever overheard anyway, so there’s always that. Anyway, so what do you think of Twilight going to go negotiate the terms of Chrysalis’ alliance in The War?”

“... I’d be a little scared for her if I didn’t know that Starshine was going with her to be honest with you. Starshine’s a very capable mare, if I do say so myself, but I can only say that because I’ve worked with her a few times. Twilight’s safe with her, Max, but from what I hear of Chrysalis, she has her work cut out for her.”

I sighed again. “I know, mate, I really do. I’m just worried that I’m going to have to kill Chrysalis for fucking with Twilight, and if that happens, then I’m going to need Adstus and Noir to help me off the rest of the Changelings so they don’t turn on us. I’m sure Celestia has a failsafe for that exact case, but the mind never ceases, you know?”

Crimson opened one eye and looked at me. “I’m sure Celestia’s doing what she thinks is best, and if she has Luna and your mentor backing her decisions, I’m sure that they’ve made the best decision. Have some faith, ‘mate’.”

I cringed. “God, that sounds fucking weird coming from someone that isn’t British or Briddish. I really don’t like that shit.”

He closed his eye. “Like it or not, I’m still going to say it. You’ve started to rub off on me.”

“I don’t think gooey and white goes to well with the color of your coat, but whatever, Licorice Lad.”

Crimson groaned. “Please don’t call me that. It makes me feel like I taste disgusting.”

“You smell like licorice to me, so fucking deal with it.” I replied haughtily.

“You smell like sandalwood to me, so should I call you Sandy?”

“If you want to have your bumhole tickled wtih a knife, go right ahead.”

“That’s what I thought.” Crimson scoffed.

I snorted. “So what about you and Fleur? Are you two just fuck buddies or something, or do you think she might leave Fancy for you?”

Crimson was quiet for a little moment. “I think we’re just buck buddies for the time being, but she really is a fascinating mare, to be honest with you. Someone like her is my ideal mare, and I can’t help but feel an attraction to her, but it just feels wrong to want a married mare you know? That, and I know that she’s slept with you, my direct superior, so I kinda feel like I’m trying to compare myself to you.”

I gave him a look that he didn’t see. “First off, when it comes to her, don’t try to compare yourself to me. Your style is different from mine, so keep that in mind if you start getting weird in your head and know that she’s probably calling you one of the best lovers she’s ever had seeing as how you last past the first shot. Second, she might be married, but she and Fancy don’t love each other in a romantic way, Crimson. They’re friends that live in the same house and keep up the appearance of being married and happily so, but it’s really a fucking sham, and I should know; I consider them both to be close friends of mine. If you like her, go for her. I don’t think Fancy would be upset to let her go and I don’t think she would be upset to leave her former idol for someone who likes her for who she is and what she’s done. If you can get over her past, then I say let there be a feast of fortune in your honor.”

Crimson gave me an odd look. “So what? I’m just supposed to take a married mare from a husband she’s been with for years? I know Fleur and Fancy differ in age a good deal-”

“Not as much as you might think.” I checked my nails.

He tilted his head. “What do you mean?”

“How old are you?”

“Twenty-six, but I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”

“I’m pretty sure that Fleur is closer to your age than she is to Fancy’s, but that’s because she’s older than you.”

“What? I thought she was a year younger than me.”

“Nope. I won’t tell you how much older she is, but I will tell you that Fleur is easily one of the most pleasant people I’ve met if you can get her out of gossip mode. She’s a good woman, and honestly, I think you two would do well together with your backgrounds. You’re the debonair playboy and she’s the elegant seductress. If you can both keep yourselves to each other or work out an agreement, I think you’ll do well.” I commented.

Crimson leaned back in his seat. “... So Fleur really is older than me?”

“Yup. She hides her age since she doesn’t want to be seen as past her prime, but then again, she is a retired Operative. I don’t think blokes like us stay in the business too long as far as espionage goes, but if I’m not mistaken, she retired a bit early.”

“She did. She retired a lot early. A lot of Operatives retire in their mid forties since ponies start getting suspicious of older folks asking the right questions, but then again, I know an Operative that came out of retirement when he was seventy just because he knew his face was forgotten and that his enemies had forgotten about him.”

“How’s that fellow doing, by the way?”

“Well, the last time I checked. Still kicking, still taking missions. He mostly works in Ponitaly since his parents were from there and his Ponitalian is pretty fluent, but it’s not like he’s on easy street because of that. He works a lot with the mob and the Dogfathers over there, so he has to be extremely careful unless he wants to get caught. Last I heard, he was working a case on the second biggest cabal on Equus, trying to dig up enough dirt for Celestia to indict the Dogfather.”

“That’s some pretty interesting shit right there. I hope I get to meet that fellow sometime.”

“You probably won’t. He mostly deals with the Princesses because they’re the only ones who can speak the secret language he taught them so he could correspond without being caught. That guy is easily one of the most dangerous and endangered Operatives on the face of the planet.”

“I wouldn’t want to trade places with that guy, to be honest. I don’t think I could deal with that kind of pressure.”

Crimson looked at me like I was stupid. “You’re a Prince.”

“Point taken, counterpoint ensuing. My kind of pressure is different from having to keep my very identity and my true life a secret from all of those people who surround me. Plus, as an older fellow, I’m doubting that he gets around as well as he used to. He has to be that much more careful to not get caught up in dirty business, just in case things go south.”

“It’s the very fact that he’s old that keeps him out of a lot of trouble, Max. Nopony suspects an older stallion of doing anything suspicious at all, and since he’s pretty good at acting, he’s even better at what he does. I’m pretty sure that you might have him matched or a little bit below him, but I can tell good Operatives from poor ones pretty well, bud, and you could’ve been a damn good Operative if you were given the chance.”

“Shit, with the way our missions might be turning out, I’m going to have to be one again, if my theories are correct. I might be able to pull it off, or rather, I can pull off the stealth bit pretty well, but there’s going to be a high price on my head if I ever get caught in the act. I’m starting to get recognizable, and not being able to change my appearance myself is going to be rough.”

“I’m sure you’ll do just fine. After all, you’re one of the quietest ponies I’ve ever met when you need to be. Honestly, I’m surprised that you’re not still a thief. You must’ve been good at it.”

I shrugged. “I was. I could get pretty much anywhere at any time of day, though I really did prefer to work at night. I was a great conman when I needed to be, but stealing really was my specialty.”

Crimson snorted. “With that silver tongue of yours, I’m surprised that you’re not a politician of some kind. Most nobles would kill for your ability to warp the words of others and to work them around so that they stick their hooves in their mouths.”

“It’s an art as much as it is a skill. We could do a little practice, if you want. It’s going to be a long ride and we’ve got precious little to do.”

I heard the door to the car open and some trolley wheels started coming down the aisle. Crimson smirked at me. “Watch this.”

The lady pushing the cart was around my age and seemed to be rather tired, but she gave us a smile nonetheless, and when she saw our faces, a light blush splayed across her cheeks and she perked up a bit. “Hello, gentlecolts. Can I offer you some wine, champagne, snacks, or something else?” She hinted none too subtly.

Crimson tilted his head. “What might the something else be?”

She gave him a pleasant smile. “It could be something you might be looking for. We don’t know until you ask, right?”

He looked at me and I looked at him coolly. She was rather pretty, and she had quite the posterior on her, more than making up for the less than eye catching amount of bust she possessed. Crimson looked back to her. “I think I’ll have a little of something sweet.”

I raised a hand. “Would you happen to have any liquor?”

She continued to smile at Crimson and gave me a slightly more muted one. “We do offer brandy, but little else. I apologize if it’s an inconvenience.”

I shook my head. “As long as it’s not trouble to you, I’ll have the brandy. I don't mind waiting a good thirty minutes to an hour for it either.” I hinted.

Crimson’s knuckles met mine inconspicuously and he smiled at her. “Do you think you could show me around a little bit before you grab the brandy? I’ve been meaning to stretch my legs.”

The trolley lady’s face lit up. “O-Of course! It’s no problem, though it might take a little while.” She looked to me as if checking to make sure that I was okay with it.

I raised a brow at her. “I’m perfectly fine with that. Be sure not to excite him too much, you know how ‘colts’ can be.”

Crimson hit me and I grinned. He rose from his seat and the lady left her trolley next to the seats, so I reclined in mine and started writing the tail end of Midnight Stroll and the Stolen Sword. It was fun wrapping up all the loose ends, and as I tied things together with the help of my little page of notes, I heard Crimson and the nice trolley lady come back. The lady was walking funny and my ‘bodyguard’ had a look on his face that told me he’d just rocked the everloving fuck out of her world.

“I’ll be right back with your brandy, sir.” She said somewhat breathlessly.

I gave her a knowing smile. “Take your time, and if you leave the bottle, I’ll give you a tip better than the one I was planning on giving you.”

Her face straightened up from the pleasant and slightly dreamy look she had been wearing. “Oh no, sir, we’re not allowed to take tips on this line.”

I held up my left hand and flashed her my Signet Ring. “Tell your boss that Maximus has taken a shine to you, and if he doesn't like that, then he can come talk to me himself.”

Her jaw dropped and she seemed a little starstruck. “W-Wait, do you mean…?”

Crimson smirked. “Yes, he’s Prince Maximus. No, don’t bow or kneel, he’s not a fan of that whole deal.”

She curtsied shakily anyway. “It’s an honor to serve you, Your Highness. I’ll be sure to tell my manager that you’re aboard.”

I grimaced. “Please don’t. I’d rather keep this between us, if you don’t mind.”

“Of course, Your Highness. My lips are sealed.” She zipped her lips and threw away the key.

I nodded. “Thanks, love.”

She smiled at me pleasantly before bending down to whisper into Crimson’s ear. “I’ll be on this train for three more days.”

Crimson whispered back, “Come back as often as you can and I’ll show you a good time, Rosebud.”

Rosebud gave him a quick peck on the cheek and waved as she pulled the trolley away from us into the service part of the train, so I looked at Crimson and asked, “So? How was she?”

Crimson smirked smugly. “Her flank is every bit as good as you think it would be, but she just doesn't have the control that Fleur does. Still, she’s tight and her voice!” He made a noise. “I could go again, but I can’t keep her from work too long.”

I chuckled. “I’m so telling Fleur that you’ve been sleeping around on her.”

He rolled his eyes. “Buck buddies, Max. We’re not involved or anything quite yet.”

“You never know.” I said in a sing-songy voice.

He rolled his eyes again and picked up his book, so with that, I started getting back to my writing. Once I was finished, I gave my shit a read through for any errors and found that I was pretty consistent throughout the relatively long book. Crimson told me that he was about to finish up with A Star-Crossed Love, so I sent my book back home for the time being and started writing another since I was still feeling the artistic flow. Midnight Stroll and Pickum Pocket would be the last book in this particular series, but I would most likely do a spin-off series that would carry on with Midnight and his new companion. I knew this was going to be the longest book by far since this was going to be based off of the time I met Will when he was still Maxwell, and I was planning on incorporating our first job together at that, so of course this one was going to be a little expansive.

By the time I’d gotten the first two chapters done, Crimson had finished A Star-Crossed Love and he told me that he liked that I’d ended the story in a different way than most romance authors ever would have dared to. We agreed that it was nice to have something different in the pool of books, but Crimson told me that I’d most likely become infamous for doing something of the sort and I knew that eh was right, but infamy was just as good as fame in the writing world. It sparked intrigue into your material, and, if nothing else, it was a brilliant way to get people to be interested in the rest of your works. Hell, a lot of the reviews I received from Stove Pipe said that most readers of my Midnight Stroll series had picked it up because of the success of A Single Breath and wanted to see what else I could do. Apparently I kept a lot of readers since they were just interesting books, but I was mostly concerned about how people felt about both series as a whole.

So far, the reviews I’d received on The Lover’s Days Trilogy were glowing for the first two books, but the last in the series had been simply atrocious by most accounts. I’d received entire letters that were nothing but scorn from many people, but no one had sent me any death threats. However, I’d been offered a thousand bits to rewrite A Star-Crossed Love, and I actually replied to that letter, saying that I would be tempted if I actually needed the money. Sadly, I just didn’t feel the need to make people feel good, so that was a boon on my side.

As far as The Midnight Stroll series went, I pretty much only received fan-mail. There were a few people every now and again that asked if the stories were based on real life experiences, but I noticed that a lot of those letters were mailed from bigger cities and places like that, so I assumed they had seen more tales of thievery than your average small town like Ponyville. The people that asked if my stories were plucked from my life usually followed up their questions by stating that they’d asked because my characters seemed too lifelike to be mere concepts straight from my mind, but that was a whole different thing that I rarely addressed.

Anyway, while I’ve been writing this entry, I’ve been sipping on the brandy that Rosebud brought back for me, though she didn't ask Crimson for another round while she was there. She did, however, tell us what the best snacks were and offered to make sure that no one snooped into the car while we weren’t paying attention, but I told her that I would be able to tell anyway and Crimson backed me up, saying that I could likely hear the heartbeat of whoever was intruding over the sound of the train. Rosebud immediately blushed and excused herself to go to the other cars to see if anyone else wanted snacks, but as she left, I used my True Theft to palm her arse and what a lovely arse it was. She came back and light whacked Crimson, telling him that she would be back soon if he was that eager, which made me grit my teeth to bite back my giggles.

Crimson agreed with her wholeheartedly, but once she was gone, he looked at me. “You know that was dirty, right?”

I gave him my best shit eating grin. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, mate.”

He rolled his eyes. “Either way, you just got me laid again, so I can’t really complain.”

I shrugged. “Feel free to take a little longer this time. I don’t know how good it was for you, but if you’re hoping to take on Fleur, you might want to see if you can wear Rosebud’s rosebud out before you do.”

He gave me a look "You know a mare can only take so much of that before she can’t walk anymore, right?”

“Ask her when her shift ends and then ask her how deep she wants you to go.” I suggested.

“Oh? Is that a dare?” He asked, grinning.

I raised a brow. “Does it need to be?”

“Not even close. I’d buck that mare until she couldn’t walk for a week if she let me. I’m telling you, that flank is fantastic!”

“Mate, I know. I just copped a feel. You’re a lucky bastard.” I chuckled.

“So you admit it!” He said triumphantly.

“I got you laid, fool. Don’t complain about free, no strings attached sex.”

He tapped my shoulder. “If I can convince Twilight to give you some when she’s not in the mood, then we’re even, right?”

“Tch, good luck. I can do that on my own. Now if you could get Twilight to let Noir give me a titjob, that might be a whole different story.”

Crimson rummaged around in his carry-on bag and brought out a pen, some paper, and an inkwell. “Say the word and I’ll give it a shot.”

I shook my head. “Have at thee, ye knave. I’m sure she’ll tell you to fuck off.”

He shrugged and started writing. a once he sent his note off, he crossed his arms and waited a few minutes before Twilight sent him back a note that basically told him to sleep with Starshine if he wanted me to get anything from Noir. Crimson visibly winced and told me that he wasn’t doing that anytime soon, so I sighed and started writing Twilight a note myself, asking why she was telling Crimson to sleep with Starshine. Twilight told me that she and Starshine had a long talk about Crimson and I and that Starshine had said that she still loved Crimson to an extent and that seeing him flirt with Fleur was a bit like a slap in the face. I told Twilight that Starshine really needed to keep her nose out of Crimson’s business since it was rather clear that he didn’t want to be with her anymore, but Twilight defended her, saying that Starshine deserved a shot just as much as Fleur did. I took the time to explain that Starshine had already had her shot and something had gone down to break Crimson and her apart, though I wasn’t about to go digging into it.

Twilight, however, had no reservations about digging and told me that Starshine had only messed up once, and that was when she swore at Crimson for not being interested in sex one night. I asked Crimson what his side of the story was and he said that Starshine relentlessly asked him for sex on a daily basis and that he felt like she didn’t love him for who he was, but what he did for her. When they were together, he did the cooking, the cleaning, and the shopping while Starshine just fucked off in her lab until nightfall, and on top of being absent and basically using him as a tool for sex and cuddling, she never bothered to thank him for doing the things he did.

I asked Crimson if he minded that I share this information with Twilight so she could properly be informed and he told me that he didn’t care, so I wrote his side out and sent it off to her. It took Twilight an hour to respond, meaning that Crimson was finally taking a nap since we’d been on the train for a full eight hours, but when I got her reply, she said that she’d asked Starshine if all of Crimson’s ‘claims’ were true and Starshine couldn’t deny that they were, so Twilight had let her know that she had no room to be asking anything of Crimson after using him like that. My fiance apologized to me for not getting the whole story and explained that Starshine simply felt terrible that she’d been bugging Crimson for more of what made him leave her in the first place all these years. Twilight and I promised each other that we would communicate before we ever started to resent each other like that.

Twilight asked me if I was bothered at all by the fact that I always ended up cooking for her, but I really wasn’t since I knew she couldn’t cook worth a damn and said as much. She said that we needed to see if my skill with cooking had rubbed off on her at all because of The Covenant, but I rather doubted that it had. Still, I wasn’t going to tell her not to hope and dream because that would be a mean thing to do, but I did ask her to try cooking in one of the Briddish kitchens if she ever got a chance and she promised that she would if she could. With that being said, I asked her how the teleportation had gone and she said that she’d been quite ill afterwards, but once she got some fresh air, she was alright to continue. She asked how my train ride was going and I told her that I was relaxing with a bottle of brandy nearby and that Crimson had fallen asleep before he could lay the trolley lady again.

Speaking of, while I was writing Twilight, I heard someone open one of the doors to the car and shook Crimson awake absently before going back to writing my beloved. Rosebud stopped by and asked my ‘bodyguard’ if he was ready for another ‘tour’ and he agreed quickly, patting my shoulder before he rose to leave. I appreciated the gesture, but when I sent my note off to Twilight, she scolded me for just letting Crimson sleep around with whoever he wanted, but I told her that he was a grown man who could do what he wanted within reason. Twilight still tried to chastise me, but she ended up crossing out a few lines and admitted that I wasn’t really responsible for his actions unless it came to business. She did, however, ask if I’d hooked them up and I couldn’t lie to her, so I told her that I’d instigated their second meeting, but that their first was all them.

I waited for Twilight to reply and she inquired about me possibly trying to live vicariously through Crimson since I couldn’t lay a finger on another woman without her permission, which made me ask her if I could molest her from across a quarter of a continent and an entire ocean. She told me that I didn’t answer her question and that I wasn’t allowed to breath until I did, so I wrote back quickly and told her that I’d literally been holding my breath while writing for something to do. I hadn’t been trying to live through Crimson and I probably wasn’t going to, so I put her mind at ease and she let me know that she would be up for some moderate teasing until further notice.

(Ctrl+F Not-Really-Sex is Over To Skip)

And so began the molestation from halfway around the world.

I started off by stroking Twilight’s cheek gently, but since my left hand is mostly incorporeal when I use True Theft, she couldn’t really hold my hand, though we could both feel my touch. I continued caressing her cheek and let my hand travel down her neck, feeling her shiver as I stroked the soft fur with the back of my fingertips. I stopped there and felt my way back up to her ears, fondling them for a moment as I felt her relax at my touch. The fine texture on her ears was always nice to feel, so I let my hand linger there for a while, gently rubbing the tender flesh before I moved onto her mane. When I let my fingers run through the thick, luscious locks, I felt myself come to a state of ease, but I was still eager to do some extra things that would be a bit less nice.

My next target was her other ear and I gave that one just as much attention as the other , though I was still ready to go somewhere else, and when Twilight wrote me a note telling me that she was fine with a little more exploration. With her permission given, I let my hand go to the nape of her neck, walking my fingers across her fur until I felt the little bumps of her vertebrae that told me that I was in the right place. I let my finger linger every little protrusion as I made my way down her back, enjoying the feeling of the thicker fur that covered her spine as I let my hand meander further down. I stopped as I felt her hand and altered the position of my hand through some complex thought that took a minute, but it allowed me to disturb her fur as I travelled up her spine the opposite direction.

While I was still focused on her back, I allowed my hand to smooth the fur I’d stroked the wrong way, but when my hand met her tail again, I realized that Twilight was sitting down. With that in mind, I walked my fingers up her back again, making her shiver in either delight or irritation, but when I laid my palm against the small of her back, I felt her breathing pick up slightly. As my hand was currently occupied, I thought of the next region I wanted to explore on Twilight and decided that I would touch her arms next, so I walked my fingers up her back, over her shoulder, and stroked her bicep and tricep with my hand. She flexed a bit while my hand was wandering over her muscles and I was surprised to find that she was actually rather firm there, though I waited until I walked my fingers across her shoulder blades and over to her other arm to make any assumptions.

Twilight tried to brush my hand away from her arms, so I slid my hand up her arms and walked my fingers between her breasts, the intangible nature of my True Theft giving me the oddest sensation as I felt my finger go through the material. Twilight wrote me and told me that she wanted me to start going after her erogenous zones, but I wrote back with my right hand and told her that I was building a mental picture of her with my hand. She replied and said that I could continue as I pleased, though she added in that she was alone and was going to be for the next few hours, so we could spend as much time on foreplay as we wanted.

That being said (Or rather, written), I let my fingers glide down between Twilight’s breasts onto the silky smooth fur of her stomach and pressed my palm against her, rubbing the area in a circular motion. I’d started with small circles and I could practically hear her sigh. I did feel her stomach depress, so I imagined that she did, and as my circles crew wider and wider, I found that they met different resistances. With Twilight’s pleasure in mind, I guided my hand upwards until it met her bra and let myself give each of her breasts a gentle squeeze. I felt her chest go forward and thought that she might have gasped, so I continued my teasing for a few moments before I allowed my hand to phase through her bra to touch her breasts in their warm, soft, silken glory.

Twilight’s chest heaved as I pinched and occasionally pulled at her pert nipples, the feeling of their stiffness arousing me more than I already was. I felt like I was going to need some relief by the end of our session, so when I switched to her other breast, I started writing her a note, asking if she thought we could get away with a quick visit that probably wouldn’t be all that quick. My fiance said that we shouldn’t chance it, but if that I wanted to stop, we could. I denied her immediately with ‘No’ written in large letters on the back of her note and I felt her giggle. I pinched her nipple harder than I’d ever pinched the other one because I could and I felt her hand cover her breath, her chest vibrating due to what was most likely a moan.

I decided to stop massaging her mammaries and brought by hand behind her, smoothing down the fur on her back as I went along. Of course, I simply had to grab a handful of her lovely bottom because it just felt like a prerequisite before we got to the good stuff. Twilight wriggled around for a moment and I squeezed her posterior, though when I did so, she stood up so I could get a better feel, which I considered a kindness that I planned on repaying soon. Through the power of my mind, I maneuvered my hand so I was grabbing her arse as if I was standing in front of her and I felt her tense up, her bottom growing even firmer, though it was still soft enough to make me very happy.

Once I’d had my fill of my personal Princess’ positively perfect posterior, I swept my hands across her hip, taking my time as I felt her around the lower part of her stomach. My fingers met the hem of her knickers , but instead of phasing through them like I had with her bra, I let my hand rest against her mons over them, pressing down softly on the warm flesh there. I felt Twilight shift under the mild pressure, so I moved my hand slightly further down and stroked upwards, just barely touching tip of her clitoris as I worked. I gave her mons a few more light pets, barely disturbing her panties as I did so, but Twilight wrote me a note saying that she would do it herself if I didn’t complete what I’d set out to do.

I rolled my eyes and wrote her a quick note with my right hand, telling her that patience was a virtue and that I would make it good for her if she let me. I tried not to stop working as I wrote, but it was like trying to work a paddle-ball while… Well, writing, so it was a difficult task. Twilight quickly sent me back a note and I felt her legs close around my hand, which meant that I was either going to read the note or ignore it to continue molesting her with her permission. I deigned it worthy to read the note, but all she said was that she was talking to someone at the moment and that I could continue when she let her legs go.

Who am I to go against her wishes? Fucking Maximus, that’s who.

I let the majority of my fingers phase through her thighs and stroked her folds over her panties with my middle finger. I felt Twilight’s legs tighten around my finger further, but I was determined to not lose my place, or let the wetness I was feeling between her lower lips dry before I had a chance to make her see that things could get much better. I kept up the gentle stroking and felt the moist patch grow as I continued, so I pulled my hand from Bridleland and let myself have a taste of her. It wasn’t as pleasant as I’d hoped, so I sent my hand back through space and placed it against Twilight’s stomach, rubbing it for a moment before I trailed downward to her thighs once more, though I didn’t go straight for the gold like I had before. Twilight had crossed her legs in favour of keeping them together, so I had plenty of room to work with her right thigh, the one that was on top.

I caressed her thigh gently at first because there’s a certain quirk to Twilight: She needs to be warmed up properly before you apply pressure, otherwise you turn her off, which is probably too much information, but I swear to whatever you hold dearest in your life that I will eviscerate you if I haven’t given you permission to read this anyway. Twilight responded to my gentle touches by crossing her legs in the other direction to avoid letting me have my way, but I just switched targets and started working on the other one, taking in the softness of her fur and the supple yet firm feeling of her thigh. Twilight uncrossed her legs and crossed them again, so I switched again, but this time, I gave her thigh a mild squeeze and I felt her leg start shaking a bit, one of her tells that let me know she was starting to feel the heat a little more than usual.

Now was the perfect time to drag my fingertips from her knee to her hip, so I completed the gesture as slowly as I could, feeling her thigh tighten and loosen as I continued. I wanted to cup her bottom as I worked, but I thought that it would only serve me, so I waited for her to uncross her legs again so I could reach between them, and when she finally did, she left her legs uncrossed and sent me a note, mildly chastising me for teasing her while she was talking to one of the staff members of Whinny Castle. I wrote back and apologized, but she didn’t believe a word on the paper and told me to hurry up since she just wanted some release at this point. I honestly felt the same way, so I guided my hand to the lovely area that I like to call the Twilight Zone where nothing weird happens.

I toyed with her over the now damp cloth of her knickers, slipping my fingers between her folds and pressing down on her sensitive little button when I felt it… Well, not necessarily become erect, per se, but when I felt it allow its presence to be known. It was a little harder than it was before, and when I gave it a little pressure, I felt Twilight’s legs widen, but then she stood out of nowhere. The next thing I knew, or rather, the next thing I felt was her shift positions and spread her legs again. I figured that she’d laid down, so I slipped my hand underneath her panties and felt her clitoris in all its cute little glory.

After I gently flicked it a few times, rolling it around with the tip of my index finger, I felt Twilight’s hand pass through mine to reach her honeypot. I grabbed it and drew it away so I could continue as I had been. It seemed pertinent to give her what she wanted, so with a little mental effort, I changed the position of my hand so I could enter her with my fingertip, going slowly at first to warm her up. I knew that from the sodden state of her sex she was ready for me to get on with it already, but the best things in life are often worth waiting for, so I carefully allowed my finger to slip inside her creamy, warm folds until I felt my second knuckle become enclosed in her narrow entrance. Lesser be the man who rushes an orgasm, and I consider myself to be pretty damn great, so I worked my index finger into her slowly as if she weren’t already prepared for a second digit.

Knowing full well that I could ease another finger into Twilight with her natural lubrication being plentiful, I hesitated to do so and swapped my index finger for my middle finger so I could reach a bit deeper. I felt the barrier that would stay there until our wedding day and drew my finger back slightly, trying to orient myself so that my palm was facing upward. After a few seconds of trial and error, I felt my favorite little internal bump and stroked it softly once before going again with more intensity. Now that I knew where I was, it was a simple task for me to give Twilight a good experience, and as I carefully, yet firmly stroked her G-spot, I felt Twilight’s walls tighten around me and my wrist felt awfully warm all of a sudden. It was a clear indication that she’d climaxed, but I wasn’t done with her quite yet, and if Twilight’s hastily scribbled, practically illegible note was anything to go by, she didn’t want to end it there either.

With that in my mind and a good feel for what I was doing, I added my ring finger into Twilight gingerly, being sure to give her time to get used to the feeling before I fully penetrated her. It wasn’t a difficult task or a time consuming one since I’d taken the time to lubricate my finger before trying anything. Twilight shivered as I touched her, incensing me to go a little further, to try a little harder to make the next one better for her. I kept that thought close as I tried once more to bring her to her peak, and once I had the second knuckle of my middle finger in her once more, I started moving them in and out of her slowly, shifting in my seat so that I could work with her more easily. Once I could judge the distance between her G-spot and her hymen, I picked up the pace a little, making sure to grind my fingers into the node with consistency. Twilight’s walls were fluctuating with their grip on me every time I pushed a little further in, and after a few more minutes, I had her cumming once more, her juices soaking my fingers.

(Ctrl+F Not-Really-Sex is Over To Skip)

I thought that I’d done just fine and withdrew my hand from Bridleland since I two was good for the time being. my job and had done it well at that. Once I had my hand back, I licked it clean and Twilight sent me a note, thank me for my favour and offered to return it when we got together next time, but I warned her against fingering me unless I was Roxy. Twilight promised to give me a lovely little blowjob and I thanked her for both the promise of the favour and the flavour of her on my fingertips. We exchanged a few more notes before Twilight asked if I would allow her to sleep and I said that she was welcome to retire whenever she felt like it. After we properly said goodbye, I laid back in my seat and closed my eyes for a moment.

I must have dozed of for a little bit because when I opened them again, Crimson was sitting next to me, taking a nap of his own to recuperate from the raucous lovemaking he’d probably performed, except I doubt he was actually stirring up any love with his dick. With Crimson by my side and some liquid relaxation on the table-thing in front of me (First Class privileges), I leaned forward to pour myself a glass and sat back with it in hand. It really was good brandy: nice and smooth with a good kind of burn that came after it was down. I wasn’t exactly crazy for it, but it was adequate.

I took the time to get this written out because I wasn’t really all that tired, but I figure that if I have myself a few more sips and chill for a bit, I might be perfectly fine for an extended nap. Who knows, maybe Crimson will be awake when I open my eyes again. Eh, hopefully it will just pass some of this unnecessarily long train ride.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Three days later and after a lot of ‘tours’ for Crimson, we finally arrived in Mexicolt and it was fucking hotter than thermite that was lit with magnesium on a summer day in Hell. Fucking Christ, unless you’ve been to Mexicolt in a fucking suit, you don't know the level of suffering. You just don't. However, there was a saving grace that made everything a little less shitty and it was how good the food smelled. Seriously, being from England, I’ve never really had much of a chance to get authentic Mexican food because fucking reasons such as an entire ocean and the majority of a continent being in the way. I’ve always wanted some, but it’s just never been available to me.

Sadly, I wasn’t allowed to taste any of the lovely station fare, though I was allowed a few moments to take in the rather interesting station itself. I assume that the stylings were based off of Spanish architecture with some Equestrian-Modern influences that gave the place a rather grand feel to it. The walls were painted in murals that were strikingly vivid and it was obvious that many different artists had taken their turns on them in the time the place had been around. Much to my displeasure, the posse of official looking fucks that came to collect Crimson and I didn’t give us time to look around, grab some hot food, or even really get a half decent feel for the local vibe. I mean, the people in the station stared blatantly at our group of well-dressed fellows, which made me feel like I was some kind of pariah. Look, I’m the kind of guy who usually goes unnoticed in a crowd, or at least, I was in England. Being singled out, being noticed like that… It made me snap into Prince Mode immediately just to stave off the incoming feeling of being ill all over someone’s shoes. I don’t like being the center of attention. In fact, I fucking hate it, but it’s something that I’m going to have to deal with if I’m ever going to get good at this Prince thing.

Anyway, so the fellow who greeted Crimson and I lead us through the station at a brisk pace, through a few crowds of people, and out into the true heat of Mexicolt. Shit was so brutal that Crimson and I just looked at each other for a moment, both of us already sweating like whores in church. I knew that Mexicolt was going to suck then and there, but I still held a little hope that we would be able to have a chance to get out and about to do something other than die of heat stroke. That hope kept me going, and when I realized that we were going to have to walk to the distance to the palace proper, I held onto it that much tighter.

I tried talking to the Captain fellow who had come to collect us, but the fellow was very tight-lipped and wound up, like he was expecting there to be trouble at any given moment. I didn’t feel any disturbances in the force that would give hints toward malignant activity so I tried to relax a little, but I steadily grew more uncomfortable as we walked through the streets of Mexicolt City, sticking to the main roads. Crimson and I were quiet after a few minutes, and I figured that he was feeling the same general ill breeze that seemed to be blowing the further we came into the city itself.

Now don't get me wrong; Mexicolt City was beautiful in its own way. We passed a few fountains that held children of all ages in their waters that were usually interesting depictions of various Ponies or Dogs holding different sources of water, though I noticed that there were more Ponies in the streets than Dogs. That might have just been because it was the capital or because of the particular areas we were walking through, but either way, I was interested in the demographic, though when I inquired about it, Crimson could only tell me that some cities were more Dog oriented than Pony oriented and that was pretty much it. There seemed to be a pretty good divide between the Dogs and the Ponies since I rarely saw two of them standing together, but again, it’s not like I had much time to observe.

I did, however, have a lot of time to observe the sun-bleached walls of the tall flats that popped up from time to time. A lot of the buildings were built in a way that would make any thief’s dick wobble in excitement, and I say that because the rooftop access was so easily accessible that getting from place to place would be a breeze, even if you weren’t the best with parkour or freerunning in general. It’s not like I expected the people who lived in those flats to have much in the way of valuable possessions, but if I ever wanted a good exercise to test where my skills have fallen through the year or so I’ve been in Equestria, Mexicolt would be a good place to start. That is, if the rooftops could even hold someone’s weight. The flats seemed to be adobe style, so I was guessing that they were made of a white clay or stone, so I wasn’t terribly excited about testing the limits of them any time soon.

In any case, the walk to the other side of the city took hours on hours and it was more tedious than anything I’ve ever fucking done. Like seriously, I fucking hate being stared at, but we didn’t have any Unicorns in our party and Mexicolt was too steeped in tradition to have Teleportation Stations, so we had to hoof it, which I just realized is a hilarious way to say we had to fucking walk. Ponies and their lack of feet. Heh. Still, I was willing to bet that they were faring better than I was, if anything then due to the nature of those blasted hooves. It was interesting to see that the Dogs had no presence in our guard, so I was hoping to meet a friendly one at the castle or whatever it was that we were supposed to be going to.

Crimson told me that the place we were going was actually called El Castillo, which basically just meant the castle, so that was a nice little tidbit of information. Upon arriving at El Castillo, I found the place to be somewhat reminiscent of some Spanish castles that I’d seen in history books throughout my years at school, but I wasn’t all that impressed to say the least. Canterlot Castle was bigger and prettier and I doubted anything would ever top the Crystal Castle so I just took it in as I could and hoped that I would meet Corona Rey, the reigning King, sooner rather than later.

My hopes turned out to be for nothing since Crimson and I were sat in an official looking room that held no interesting art pieces or anything of the like for an hour out of the early morning. Crimson and I chatted about Rosebud for a little bit and we just wondered what she was up to and how she was enjoying being home after being on a train for multiple days. Granted, it was a nice train and all, but it’s not a job for those who get motion sick easily or can’t abide by being in an enclosed space for hours on end. Crimson talked about her enclosed space some more and told me that she’d been growing on him a little, so he was a little sad to see her go, but I assured him that great arses like hers would surely pop up in his future.

Just as we moved off of the topic of arses, one of the ugliest beings I’d ever seen popped into the room to tell me that my presence was being requested in the Salon del Trono, which I assumed meant ‘The Throne Room’, so Crimson and I rose, but the butler told me that Crimson was to stay behind as I went. That was a red flag if I’d ever heard of one, so I used my True Theft to grab Crimson’s sword and passed it off to him, but the butler became irate and said that there were no weapons allowed in El Castillo, which was bullshit because I’d seen multiple people casually carrying around rapier-like swords that had told me otherwise. I may have told the butler that he was welcome to try and take it since he was feeling brave enough to raise his voice at a Prince, and much to my surprise, he actually rushed past me and demanded that Crimson give him his sword. Crimson told him to ‘buck off’, and when the guy tried to snatch it from him, my ‘bodyguard’ held onto it with one hand and stood fast as the older fellow tried to pull it away from him. It just wasn’t happening, so the butler guy ran out of the room and I sat down next to Crimson and we talked for a little bit.

A few minutes later, six guards came into the room with their swords drawn. I grabbed my Kopis from home before Crimson and I rose to greet them as one does with people who look like they’re going to try and stab you. I didn’t draw my blade, however, and Crimson followed my lead, so the two of us squared up against the larger group confidently since we knew that we could fight out way out of there if we had to. Hell, if anyone stood a better shot at it than us, I don’t know who they’d be other than a handful of Alicorns. That, and if we started losing, all I had to do was grab Crimson and get us out, but it was looking like we weren’t going to have to fight.

The same Captain fellow who’d met us in the first place pushed past the group of soldiers and raised his arms. “Where did you get weapons!? Where!?”

I shrugged. “I’m a Prince because I’m smart and magical. Is there a problem with my bodyguard carrying a weapon?”

The Captain guy gave me a look. “Of course not, Principe. Who would give you such an idea?”

I raised a brow at him. “The fellow who ran off and called the guards here.”

The dude whipped around and glared at the closest guard to him. They spoke in rapid Mexicoltian for a moment and I don’t know a lick of the shit, so I couldn’t follow what they were saying, but Crimson gave me a quick rundown as they were talking and said that the butler had actually been someone no one knew. The guards had just come because the fellow had said that there were murderers in the room, so when the Captain turned back around, he looked rather frustrated.

“I am sorry, Principe, but it would seem that a spy for La Canalla has come to call.” He smoothed his hair back and looked at the ground.

I looked to Crimson. “La Canalla?”

“The Mexicoltian mob.” He said with an edge to his voice. If I had telepathy, I would ask about that.

I turned to the Captain guy. “So you’re having some troubles in a troubling time. That’s worrisome to say the least.”

“It is, but we have little time for you to be worried about our issues. Please, if you would follow me to His Highness Corona Rey’s personal reception chamber.” The Captain motioned for the guards to leave.

I stowed my Kopis back to where it had been, gesturing for Crimson to follow close. I snapped my way back into Prince Mode since I’d come out of it to have a conversation with Crimson, but I wasn’t sure if it was going to be my best bet since I was still feeling like I was a bit on edge. I mean, I didn’t even realize that the guy in front of me had been a spy, so what does that say about my gut feeling always being right? Sure, I’d felt the red flag pop up and all, but what if I’d been lead into a trap and never even saw it until it was too late? I wasn’t sure exactly how that would go, but I was certain that it could have ended fairly poorly for Crimson if I’d been caught.

With a possible disaster narrowly avoided, Crimson and I travelled a bit further into the castle and as we went, the more opulent things became. There were more pieces of art that weren’t as bright or vivid as the murals wed’ seen in the town proper, but they were still beautiful in their own right, though there were a few pieces that depicted bloody conflicts that made me wonder if war was common in these parts. I wasn’t sure, but if they had a member of the fucking mob in their castle, then it wouldn’t surprise me too terribly to find out that they were fighting a smaller war of their own.

It took a little time, but we got to the King’s quarters with time to spare and a bit of the day left to talk and do whatever. I wasn’t really expecting to see him so soon, but I was more interested in seeing how he felt about having an Equestrian Prince in his castle. Celestia had told me that relations with Mexicolt were generally few and far between, though she’d asked Kind Corona multiple times to help her get a handle on the Manganese Salt trade between Equestria and Mexicolt a few times in the years before he actually took power. He’d promised and delivered up to an extent, but he’d fallen off in the past decade with his promises and that was a part of what I was supposed to be talking to him about. I wasn’t looking forward to that since I didn’t know much about it, but I figured that I could at least come back to Celestia with a few empty promises or some news to share.

Speaking of royal people, Crimson and I walked into King Corona’s room and he wasn’t there, so we had more waiting ahead of us. However, the Captain guy stuck around for a few moments and promised that he would return in a few moments with the King himself instead of allowing someone else to lead us there. I took a quick look around and found the room to be too my tastes. It was a little on the old-fashioned side of the art spectrum, but it was a tasteful study in shades of maroon that made me like the place. Crimson was quick to tell me that maroon symbolized blood and conflict in general, but I thought that it was a suiting color for a king to have draped around his private chambers. It was already hot, but it gave the place a warm feel that seemed more inviting than foreboding, and as I was studying an abstract painting (the only one of its kind in the room), King Corona and his Captain came in to address Crimson and I.

I turned around since I’d heard their footsteps, but Crimson was still looking at a marble sculpture until the door opened. We met in the middle of the room and waited for King Corona to see us to do anything else. The King and I crossed the distance between us and shook hands briefly before he gestured for me to sit down. We’d left our respective guards behind as we met, but now that we’d had a chance to touch each other appropriately, they joined each other at the head of the room while the myself and King Corona took the time to sit at the table in the middle of the room. We sat across from each other (as I expected us to do) and I waited for my host to speak.

He took his time in doing so, studying me closely as we looked at each other. I don’t know what he was looking for, but I know that as I looked at him, I found myself growing a little fond of him already. Corona had strong facial features that didn’t really strike me as making him handsome, rather, it made him look like a hard-working, blue-collar kind of fellow. He didn’t have much of a regal aura about him, though the fancy attire he wore told me that he was comfortable in whatever position he needed to fill, somewhat like myself. Corona’s eyes always seemed to move, taking in every inch of what he could see and looking for more when he processed the information he could. I had a feeling that this was a guy I could respect, at least, I would save that judgement until I heard what he had to say and how he planned on saying it.

King Corona touched one of the buttons that held his cape to his shoulders and looked at me calmly. “You are Principe Maximus, no?”

I nodded. “I am Prince Maximus. You are King Corona, yes?”

He smirked at me. “You would think the thing on my head and the cape around my shoulders would give you ample information, would it not?”

I raised a brow at him. “One does much thinking, but they can never be sure. For all I know, you could be a very well dressed actor with a penchant for messing with people.”

King Corona chuckled. “I see you have a sense of humor. That is good for people in positions such as ours. To have humor shows a certain level of intellect and wisdom. I have met royalty of all stations that have little to no humor within them and I find that they are often the snakes that slither through ground, waiting to bite at the slightest notion of a joke.”

I smirked at him. “I’m sure that you and Luna don’t get along too well in that case. Celestia, however, can have quite the sense of humor when the time calls for it.”

“That she can. I have found myself becoming very fond of Celestia’s sense of humor over the years, like when she jokes with me about controlling La Canalla in the slightest.” King Corona shook his head.

I stopped smiling. “Maybe we should address that first.”

He sighed. “I would much rather that we talk about something else.”

“The thing you avoid is often the most important one. If La Canalla is as big a problem as it seems to be, then why not cut the head off of the snake and burn its body while we’re taking care of it? We can feast on the flesh once we’re done.” I replied.

King Corona stared at me. “... I apologize for possibly misunderstanding, but did you just offer Equestrian assistance with La Canalla?”

I shook my head. “No, I offered my assistance with La Canalla. I was once an Operative of the Crown and so was my bodyguard over there.” I gestured toward Crimson. “Between the two of us, with my sheer might and his experience in the field of subterfuge, I’m sure that we could locate the base of La Canalla and either wipe them from the face of this planet or bolster your forces enough to arrest them all.”

King Corona worked his jaw. “As you may have noticed the vast majority of my people, mi familia, are Portros de Tierra, Earth Ponies. If you have Magic that will allow you to assault the main base of La Canalla, I invite you to do so, but I warn you that the base is an entire town.”

I steepled my fingers and looked at him intently. “I’m prepared to take that town out of the equation for a favour from you. A couple of them, actually.”

He leaned forward and pressed his hands against the table. “Name your favours.”

I nodded. “I want your involvement in The War. I don’t know of your fighting force or how valuable you might be, but I do know that every ounce of strength we have backing up the Equestrian forces is going to matter.”

Corona looked at me and sat back. “You want me to thrust my people back into war like they have been for the last forty years? You ask me to rob the young men of my country of their lives for the sake of some petty Equestrian conflict?” He spat.

“That’s the gist of it, depending on how you feel about Discord ruling the entire planet, not just Equestria.”

King Corona blinked slowly. “Did you just say ‘the entire planet’? You mean all of Equus?”

I nodded carefully. “I don’t know his full intentions, but Discord wants a war to end all wars, so I imagine that he’s going to use it to make a clean sweep of the planet’s fighting forces so he can just take over for himself. What I’m offering you in exchange for your people’s very lives are the continued existence of your country, a chance to rule in peace, and the destruction of a thorn that you can’t dislodge yourself. I’m not speaking lightly here, King Corona. I sense that you’re a man worthy of respect, and I feel as though you’re a mind worth getting to know, so I ask that you think on the prospects of a second Reign of Discord, but this time, without the Elements of Harmony to take him down.”

Corona worked his jaw. “I have little choice, if that is the case.”

I sighed. “Few of us have choices these days, my friend. We do terrible things for the sake of others, and as I’ve learned in my time as a Prince, we do evil things for our people,” I already knew that, but let’s let you think otherwise, “but that just means that we are the ones most suitable for fighting for the peace our world needs to thrive.”

He stared at me for a few moments before rising from his seat. “Hijo de puta! Odio estar atrapado!” He shouted suddenly, pacing back and forth for a few minutes. “Fine! If you will exterminate the bed of filth that is Esteril, then my men will march with those in Equestria’s army and we will fight Discord and his reign together.”

I sat back in my seat and folded my hands in my lap. “You don’t need to answer now, my friend. Think on it for a night-”

“No.” Corona interrupted quickly. “I do not need to think on this. If you can wipe clean Esteril from Mexicolt, then I will accept your terms. However, I must ask you how you plan to exterminate that blasted city before you do so.”

I took a deep breath. “How many innocent people are in there?”

“No one in Esteril is innocent. Those who are there are there by choice, and those who leave for honest work find it hard once they have the marks of Esteril on their coats.”

“Then don’t worry about how I plan on eliminating that problem. Give me a guide to their location and I will take care of it from there.” I said cryptically.

“But how do you plan on taking them down!?” Corona asked, exasperated. “Surely you have the Magic the Equestrians are so proud of, but what can you do with it?”

I shook my head. “Just know that my Magic can kill Celestia and Luna, no matter how strong they are. In a fair fight, I’ll lose every time, but if we involve our Magic, then I’m the victor.”

Corona sat back down. “... I do not know much of Celestia or Luna’s power, I must admit.”

I reached through space and grabbed my Kopis, laying it on the table. Corona looked at my sword and back to me. “... Did you just do a magic trick, or was that true magic?”

“It was true Magic my friend," And True Magic, "but I do few tricks these days. Parlour tricks are not my specialty, but what I am is the most powerful thing in this room, and possibly one of the top five most powerful being on this planet. I cannot say for certain that I can defeat Discord, but I can say that I can take him down for good, and that I am the only person capable of doing so.”

“... If you can truly ‘take down’,” He threw up some air quotes, “Discord, then why have you not done so?”

“My Magic works on a different scale and that’s all I can say for the time being. We cannot discuss this, but we do need to discuss when I leave for Esteril.” I replied, using his accent to pronounce the word correctly.

He winced visibly. “Do not try to sound like me, amigo. It makes you sound rather… Estupido, I should say.”

I resisted the temptation to roll my eyes. “Then when can I expect to be escorted there?”

Corona shrugged. “That depends on where you want to go. Do you want to be lead to the center of the city, or the outskirts?”

I looked away for a moment and thought. “Is there high-ground nearby that I can use to look down on the area? Maybe a mountain path or a particularly high hill?”

He gave me an odd look. “There is, but I do not see why you would need one.”

“No one in or near that city will survive when I am through with my plan. Just know that if you don’t follow through on your part of the bargain and I end thousands of lives for nothing, I will end yours slowly and painfully.” I said softly.

I heard a sword rasp its way out of its scabbard and I put my hand on my Kopis, but instead of drawing it, I put it back where it had been in my house and looked at Corona calmly. His eyes flickered to something behind me, but I wasn’t really giving a damn until the sword appeared next to my neck.

“Do not threaten Corona Rey, Principe.” The Captain guy said, his voice low.

“Crimson?” I called out, my own voice level.

“Your Majesty?” Crimson replied.

“Was I threatening?” I asked.

“No, Your Majesty. You were warning and promising simultaneously.” Crimson snarked.

The blade touched my neck. “Corona Rey, what is your wish?”

King Corona looked at me. “No one threatens me in El Castillo.”

I rolled my eyes and thrust my left hand forwards, activating my True Theft as I did so. I punched the Captain guy’s sword arm away so I wouldn’t get cut and stood up quickly to face him, my countenance probably giving off the vibe of being incredibly bored. The fellow frowned angrily and he drew his arm back to stab me, but I reached through space and grabbed his spine, pulling him backward. He howled in pain since, you know, your spine isn’t really made to be touched directly, but once I had him a decent distance away, grasping at his back with his sword on the floor, I walked over and picked it up by the blade before coming back to the table. Corona Rey was Standing, glaring at me something fierce, so I held the blade by the tip and offered it to him.

“Like I said, Corona; I’m the most powerful being in this room. If I wanted to threaten you, I would. If I wanted you dead, you would be. I want you to be my ally, not my enemy, so be my ally. Let me take care of La Canalla for you and join me so that you’re not my enemy.”

Corona Rey’s lip curled. “You threaten me and and now you’ve assaulted my Capitan de Guardia? We are not allies, Maximus!”

I dropped the sword and looked at him. “So we are enemies, yes?”

Corona fumed. “Discord himself contacted me, you know. He offered to rid me of all of La Canalla, not just Esteril de Tierra like you have.” He spat on the floor. “Equestria will fall, just as it deserves to.”

“And you trust Discord, the ultimate trickster, to keep his word?” I asked, looking at him like he was stupid.

Corona glared. “I am not my son. I have never liked Equestria and its shady politics.”

I raised my brows. “Your successor is pro-Equestria, but you refuse to listen to him?”

“He is young and foolish! Corona Sabio is a young man with no mind for-”

I reached out with my True Theft and crushed his heart.

Corona Rey clutched at it and sank to his knees as the Captain guy rose behind me. I turned around and looked at him before reaching into his mind. I’d never tried pulling a Celestia before, but all I needed to do was remove the last few minutes of my talk with Corona Rey from him, so that’s what I thought of as I committed an unspeakable act. I hid Corona’s body in my closet for a little bit while, and after that, I picked up the one fellows sword. The Captain rapidly blinked his eyes and I walked up to him.

“Captain.” I said softly.

He shook his head. “Principe? Where is Corona Rey? He was just here, was he not?”

I nodded. “He retired to his chambers. Do you not remember? He told you to lead us there shortly before getting us started on the La Canalla problem.” I gave him a look. “Aren’t you supposed to be the Capitan de Guardia?”

He colored and saluted. “My apologies, Principe, I must have been lost in my mind. I will show you to Corona Rey’s chambers now.”

“Are you sure you remember the way?” I said drily.

His jaw jutted forth and he glared. “I assure you, senor, I know the way.”

I nodded. “Lead on.”

I looked to Crimson who seemed to be keeping his face as placid as possible, but I could hear his heart hammering from where I stood. He was either furious beyond belief or he was elated that my gamble had worked, but then again, I rather doubted that it was the latter since I’d known Crimson for more than twenty-four fucking hours. We exchanged a looked and he let his mask melt and I was sure which of those was feeling in a second, and he sure wasn’t fucking happy. I nodded at him and turned to follow the Captain out of the room.

The walk to the King’s chambers wasn’t a long one, but it felt like it had taken forever. I’d just killed another Goddamn King even more callously than I had the first one, and now I knew for a fact that Crimson was going to tear me a fucking new one for altering memories. I wasn’t looking forward to my day, but I let it lie for the time being and when we got to the King’s Chambers, the Captain looked around for the King’s presence. I took the time to drop the body in the corner of the room while he wasn’t looking and propped him up in a chair. Luckily, True Theft negates the weight of whatever I hold as a passive effect, so that was nice. The Captain spotted the King with his head on his shoulder and his arms crossed and I was glad that I’d thought quickly enough to give him a more natural pose, though it sucked that I had to think as such.

“King Corona?” I called softly.

The Captain looked at me and back to where I was watching. “Ah, Corona Rey!” He strode over, but when the King didn’t move at all, he faltered and back away slowly. His head whipped around, his eyes wide. He looked back and forth a few times before reaching for his sword, scouring the room for assailants, I assumed.

“Oi, what’s going on, Captain?” I asked, feigning unease.

Crimson strode forward and drew his sword. “Your Majesty, get your sword!” He said, selling the act well.

I got my Kopis and whipped around. “Hall’s clear, Crimson! I might be a little slow on the uptake, but could someone tell me what’s going on?”

“The King isn’t breathing, Your Majesty.” Crimson said tersely.

“And what are the odds that whoever made that happen is here for me too?” I asked.

“Not sure, keep on high alert.”

“Maldición!” The Captain cursed loudly. “Corona Rey is dead!”

“We just saw him not even ten minutes ago! Who in this scorching Hellhole works that fast!?” I turned to look at him.

He stowed his sword and ran his hands through his hair. “I should have accompanied him here! I should have been watching the entire time, but I was too busy staring off into space, losing myself in my thoughts! Principe Corona Sabio is going to have me killed for letting his father die on my watch!”

I rushed over and took the man by his shoulders. “I won’t let that happen, Captain. We say that King Corona asked to go to his room alone to think on the alliance between Equestria and Mexicolt in private and that means your just following orders. You do not have to lose your life over this one mistake.”

He took a deep breath. “You would be willing to do this for me?”

I nodded. “There has been enough death for now. At the moment, I need you to get the news out and to explain your side of the story. If you need me to, I will accompany you to the Prince’s chambers and we’ll deliver the news together and I’ll back whatever story you go with, but in any case, the King is dead and it needs to stay in El Castillo until the right people know, okay?”

The Captain nodded. “You truly are a leader, Principe Maximus. We will tell Principe- Er, Corona Sabio Rey that his father has passed first and foremost, then we will move onto the more important matters. For now, I must have my guards at high alert. No one must leave El Castillo!”

I nodded. “Hop to it, my friend. Crimson and I will be close behind as your witnesses.”

That was the start of us making rounds about El Castillo. We visited a few important officials and we met the General that was going to assume the role of King before Prince Sabio could be coronated, but we ended up saving him for last since he was actually out of the castle at the moment. Crimson and I followed the Captain dutifully throughout his rounds, chiming in when he needed his story to be legitimized. The General fellow himself was pretty much the only one who found our story to be suspect in the slightest, but when I explained that the Captain, Crimson and I had been in the same room for at least five minutes before we discovered the King and the Captain himself backed me up, there wasn’t much he could say since La Canalla spies had already been spotted in El Castillo earlier in the day.

We gathered every important person that worked for The Crown in one room and went over the story one more time, explaining everything from the time I met Corona Rey himself until we found his body in his room. There were whispers in Spanish that Crimson didn’t translate for me, but I got the gist of what was going on.

A fellow who was wearing a matador suit stood up when the room fell silent and addressed me. “You, Principe Maximus! How does your story defend you in the slightest!?”

I raised my brow at him. “The Capitan de Guardia was in the room with me the entire time while the King himself was not. If you don’t believe my words, then believe that he lives up to his station and is loyal to The Crown.”

The fellow spat on the floor. “And what if you used your Equestrian Magic to tamper with his memories!?”

I had to try not to my eyes. “Just because I have Magic doesn’t mean that I can use it however I like. I am no Unicorn, friend.”

His lip curled. “I am no friend to you! You are the most likely culprit!”

“Why would I kill King Corona Rey if he agreed to help Equestria? The only thing he requested of me was to destroy the city of Esteril, and I still fully intend on doing that, regardless of whether or not the fellow who made the agreement still lives. If you continue to slander my name, I will not stand for it.” I warned.

“And what? You will kill me as you have Corona Rey!?” He demanded.

I leveled a glare at him. “Implicate me in the death of King Corona again. I dare you.”

He pointed a finger at me. “You slayed him! You slayed him yourself!”

I popped my neck and blinked once. “I challenge you to an honor duel. The winner leaves with his life, the loser gets buried. Let’s see where your baseless accusations lead you.”

The dressed up fellow barked out a laugh. “I was Corona Rey’s personal Campion de Concursos for three years! Every challenge levelled against him was directed to me!”

“Do you accept?” I said, cutting straight to the point.

He smirked and raised his right arm quickly, slapping his elbow with his left hand. “I accept, Equestrian pig! Your blood will flow as the King’s has!”

“The King wasn’t bleeding, nor did he show any signs of having bled at all when we found him.” I answered coolly. “Perhaps you know more of the incident than you care to share?”

The pompous prick colored and seethed as murmurs were passed from person to person. “I was nowhere near Corona Rey’s chambers at the time!”

The Captain spoke up. “And who can vouch for you? I can vouch for Principe Maximus. I can stand here and say that they never left the room and that Corona Rey was found alone. Where were you?”

The matador looking fellow spluttered for a few moments. “I-I was-”

One of the two women in the room chimed in. “I saw you near Rey’s quarters not an hour before Capitan Raymundo came and told me about El Rey’s passing! You are a suspect as well!” She declared.

More murmurs started milling about and I shared a looked with Crimson and the Captain. “Alright everyone, give me your attention for a moment.” I politely demanded.

Once I was sure I had it, I continued. “We cannot go around pointing fingers to everyone. The most likely suspect is working with La Canalla, am I wrong?” There were a few murmurs of assent. “Then we start organizing an assault on them, and then we air our suspicions. I know it is not my place to be passing orders around here, but we need to handle this situation correctly.”

There were more voices consenting to my plan, so the Captain took over. “As Principe Maximus has said, we point no more fingers, though I would like to remind everyone that a duelo has been issued. Should anyone find fault with this, let them speak now.”

One of the stuffy looking fucks raised a hand. “Should we really be worried about a deulo right now?”

I shook my head. “I can brutalize my accuser another time. For now, let us settle the matter of what to do about La Canalla. As I was saying to King Corona earlier in the day, I will deal with them in Esteril and I hope that his promise will be upheld by whoever his successor may be.”

The General shook his head. “I do not know what promise Corona Rey has made to you, but we cannot honor such a deal without knowing what it is.”

The Captain coughed. “All non-essential people should excuse themselves from this room. This is top priority only.”

After five of our group of thirteen left (including the matador looking fuck), I took the time to explain what was going on and the General buried his face into his hands shortly before another person walked in. The new man looked to be a bit older than I was and he looked somewhat similar to King Corona, so I assumed that he was Prince Sabio in the flesh. I was already standing along with the Captain and Crimson, so the other five people rose and bowed to Prince Sabio. He gave them a curt nod before making long strides to come and greet Crimson instead of me.

He shook Crimson’s hand. “Prince Maximus? I have heard little about you, but I’m sure that having a meeting so soon after your long train ride has been taxing on you. Please, take care of yourself before taking care of business-” Sabio said, his Equuish more fluent than anyone else’s in the room.

Crimson let go of his hand and backed away, giving Prince Sabio a shallow bow. “Your Highness, I am not Prince Maximus.”

Sabio blinked at him and looked to me, so I extended a hand. “I'm Prince Maximus. It is a pleasure to meet you, though I wish it was under more pleasant circumstances.”

He blinked two more times in rapid succession. “... But… You are not a Pony.”

I raised a brow at him and dropped my hand. “I am aware of this.”

“Why would a non-Pony be a Prince of Equestria?” He asked. You’re losing points rapidly.

“Celestia believed I could do the job and do it well. Is there a problem, soon-to-be King Sabio?”

He raised his hands in a defensive gesture. “No, I meant no offense, Prince Maximus. Please forgive my ignorance.”

I shook my head. “Consider it forgiven and forgotten. As it is, we have more important matters to discuss.”

Sabio looked around. “I see. Where is mi Padre? My father?”

I took a deep breath and let it out. “That is the main reason for this meeting, my friend. Unfortunately, we believe your father was assassinated.”

He didn’t look all that surprised. “That is surprising, but not unexpected. His strict laws on the salt trade have made him many enemies.”

I nodded. “So far, the most likely suspect is La Canalla. One of their spies was spotted earlier in the day and nearly got me killed, so we think that they enacted a previously unknown plan.”

“You yourself were in danger as well!?” Prince Sabio exclaimed. “La Canalla has shown their hand today.” He growled.

I nodded again. “So they have, and it couldn’t be at a worse time. As of now, we have discussed an assault on the city of Esteril, which I personally will be heading as per the request of King Corona, but we still need to discuss the matter of an alliance with Equestria. Now may not be the best time, but it IS the original reason I came here.”

The General guy huffed. “Such matters can wait. For now, we must organize Principe Corona Sabio’s coronation and announce the death of Corona Rey. After this, we shall speak of Mexicolt becoming allies with Equestria.”

“Of course. While you all are organizing the coronation, I can get started on exterminating La Canalla. I only need a guide to get me to the mountains nearby, and as long as I have the place in sight, I can take care of it.”

Sabio looked at me. “If you truly can wipe clean the stain that is Esteril, then it will go a long way into making our once proud nation an ally of Equestria.”

“Then let us get started as soon as possible. There is much to do and little time to do it.” I replied.

And so Crimson and I were escorted to another room to sit around for a little while. I didn’t try talking to Crimson and he didn’t talk to me, so I assumed that we were on a ‘business only’ kind of agreement at the moment. In my defense, I didn’t really want to mess with the Captain’s memories, but I’d had little in the way of choices when I accidentally made an enemy of King Corona. I shouldn’t have said that I would come for him if he didn’t honor his agreement, but I now hope that Celestia can use what I’ve done to her advantage as much as possible. In fact, I actually wrote her a note detailing the events of the day, and when I got her reply, she called me a ‘bucking idiot’, but she said that I’d made the right choice in the end. She’d already known that King Corona had been visited by Discord, which is why she sent me instead of Twilight in the first place. Now that I think about it, Celestia was most likely expecting me to either kill him or to just take care of the Manganese Salt trade, not both at the same time. I should ask her about that some time, but in the moment, she just made it very clear that I’d fucked up. I was doing one Hell of a job in cleaning it up, however, so I had that going for me.

With Prince Sabio in line to take over where his Dad left off, I can’t help but wonder why he wasn’t sad about his father’s passing. I mean, any normal son would be aggrieved with the passing of one of their parents, and it seemed like he was actually taking the news in stride just a little too well. It struck me as odd, but I couldn’t do anything about it at the time, so I sat on my hands and twiddled my thumbs for a little bit until Sabio himself came to collect Crimson and I for another meeting.

The next meeting wasn’t as tense as the first one, and by then, there had been an agreed plan of action. I would be lead out into the Chihuahuan Desert where Esteril de Tierra lay and would climb the mountains there until I got to the proper vantage point. While Crimson and I were travelling, the funeral for King Corona would be held and the Coronation of Sabio would take place a few days after that, so there was a lot to be done in quite the short span of time. The trip across the Chihuahuan Desert was going to take a week at the very least and we were going to have to travel by train to get to the nearest town that wasn’t as dangerous. It could still be a hotbed for crime since it was only about four days worth of travelling by foot away from Esteril, but I was confident that I would manage well enough. Crimson, however, might be another story. Once I returned from Esteril, Sabio and I would be having a talk about whether or not he should aid the Equestrian army in the fight against Discord, and when that was said and done, I could get my visit in Mexicolt over with.

When the meeting was over, Crimson and I were shown to the Dining Hall since I’d mentioned that we hadn’t had a chance to eat on the train since breakfast, so we were allowed some food and were welcomed to tour El Castillo as long as we kept to the unguarded areas. The food was more important to me, so Sabio had someone go fetch a butler and when the fellow arrived, he showed us where we could get some food. Crimson didn’t eat much and neither did I, but I still did my best to get something on my stomach while I could, though I wasn’t fond of having to force myself to eat. For reasons that should be obvious, I wasn’t actually feeling all that hungry, but I knew that it was going to be rough if I didn’t, so I choked some warm food down and asked one of the maids in the Dining Hall to show Crimson and I to a private room so we could talk.

That trip was a long one since we had to go across the castle, but when we got to our destination, all was fine. Crimson and I stood alone in a sparsely decorated room, but he still wasn’t talking to me, so I wandered around a little bit until I found what I wanted to say.

I made a circuit around the room as Crimson followed me with his eyes. When I came all the way around and stood in front of him, I said, “I know it was wrong, Crimson. Most likely evil, but I also know that killing the Captain would make us the most likely suspects.”

He shook his head. “I know why you did it and I get it, but it doesn't mean that I have to like it, Max. What you did was wrong, and you could’ve handled that better, but what’s done is done and you’re not making things any worse so far. Hopefully you learn from this and don’t keep killing people to cover your mistakes, Bud.”

I sighed and rubbed the stubble on my face. “There were worse ways to handle it in my defense, but like you said; what’s done is done. Hopefully I don’t trap myself in a situation where that happens again, but you never know.”

He just shook his head some more. “I’m already tired of this damned war and it hasn’t even started. I know that thousands of lives are going to be lost when it comes, but I really do hope that you keep your body count to a minimum.”

I nodded. “I’ll try, but you heard what Prince Sabio said. There’s going to be at least five thousand people in Esteril.”

Crimson looked at me. “I don’t want to be there when you take care of it. I’ve killed ponies before, Max, but wiping out an entire city is actual genocide. There’s no coming back from that, Bud. You can’t say that you had to defend yourself or that you were in a fight for your life then. All you can say is that you chose to end all of those lives for the sake of reaching your goal, and that’s practically it.”

“That’s not all it is, Crimson. These people aren’t the good guys; they aren’t the people that will join our side. If they’re anything like the Cartel from my world, then they’re people that Equus would be better off without anyway.”

He glared at me. “And what gives you the right to make that decision?”

I shrugged. “You could say that it’s because I have the power to make that decision.”

“That’s an evil way to think.”

“True, but you’re looking at it in a black and white perspective. That’s like saying that killing a murderer leaves you with the same amount of murderers in the world, but that’s not true. If you kill enough of them, then there’s always going to be less because of one person’s actions. Those with the power to act should, Crimson, and those people need to know where their heart lies. My heart lies in making this world a better place, and if I have to kill a few murderers to do it, then so be it.”

“It’s not that cut and dry. If there are people in Esteril that are actually innocent, are you just going to ignore them and kill them all anyway?” He challenged.

“... Yes. I suppose I am.” I said softly, running my hand through my hair.

Crimson shook his head. “Are you really willing to do anything just to get ahead of Discord, Max? Are you really willing to risk it?”

“What are my choices, Crimson? Leave behind a force that might make a difference in The War, or make sure that I get the help we need and solidify our relations?”

He looked at me sadly. “I get it Max, I really do. Just… I don’t know, your hands are tied to your hooves and there isn’t much you can do about it at the moment other than hope that there aren’t too many casualties. There’s little we can do about that.”

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I hate being stuck, Crimson. I really wish I’d seen a way to ensure that we just got out of Mexicolt quick and clean with them backing us, but there are always so many complicating factors that just seem to make everything so much worse.”

“I know, Bud. Just don’t let it get to you and keep muddling through as best you can. I’m sure that Gryphonia will be easier for you to handle.”

“I really hope so, Crimson. I really do.”

We left it at that for the time being and we were lead to our rooms for the rest of the day. We’d eaten a couple of hours after dinner was served, so there wasn’t much else for us to do other than wait for the next day so that we could prepare for our trip to Esteril. Our crap was already in our rooms, so I didn’t bother unpacking, though I did take a bath and put on some lighter clothes to help deal with the oppressive heat. However, once night fell and the moon rose to its zenith, things got so much colder that I actually had to crawl under my blankets to keep warm. I wasn’t looking forward to the time in the desert since I knew the change in temperature would be much more drastic and far less accommodating, but I tried to avoid thinking about it for as long as I could and wrote Twilight insead. I was too far west for it to be a decent time for her, but I basically just wished her a good day and told her that I loved her.

As of right now, I’m just jotting down my last few thoughts before heading to bed for real this time, but I can’t imagine that I’ll actually get any sleep. I can hope, however, so I’m going to give it a shot. I think I’ve done a pretty decent job of covering how I felt about the day’s events so far, but I really do feel terribly about killing Corona Rey. He seemed like a good guy, but when he threatened to join Discord’s side… Well, that was just a risk I couldn’t afford to take.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next day saw Crimson and I receiving our guide and getting aboard another train. It was a cool morning when we left and things seemed to be… Alright. Crimson still wasn’t happy with me, but things were less tense the they had been before. We both knew that mindraping someone like that was unforgivable, but I’ve been trying to forgive Celestia for it for some time now, and I hope Crimson will extend the same courtesy to me. Even if he doesn’t, we still had to go into a fucking desert on the back on an ox for three miserable days, so I needed to know that he was still loyal to me.

The train ride to Solitario (The town closest to Esteril) dragged on. There were a few stops near the beginning of the ride, but when we started getting into the second day of the trip, fewer and fewer people boarded the train and more got off, meaning that Crimson, Taro (our guide) and I all had an entire car to ourselves for the majority of the trip. The few people that were in the other cars all seemed like the rough and tumble time, so I kept my distance, though it wasn’t like I expected them to know Equuish anyway. No, things were already looking sketchy as fuck and we hadn’t even gotten close to our destination, but at least the tracks were clear and we didn’t have to worry about any stops for miles at a time.

Traveling is boring and Taro didn’t speak a lot of Equuish, so I couldn’t talk to him very much. I tried using some Portuguese to speak to him since I’d read an English to Portuguese dictionary once when I’d gotten extremely bored between jobs, but I only knew a few phrases and the sentence composition escaped me since it had been years since I’d even given the thing a thought. Still, some of the words I remembered were enough to help me get my points across to Taro, and between Portuguese and good old fashioned English, we managed to talk about Esteril for a few minutes. Most of what he said were warnings about trying to get too close to the city itself, but when I mentioned that we would likely never even see a soul while we were there, he relaxed a bit and went to go talk to Crimson for awhile.

He and Crimson talked for hours while I tried to see how Twilight was doing at various points during the day, but when I wrote, she was usually busy with in-depth historical tours or actual official business, so there wasn’t much I could do with that. I did, however, hold her hand for a little while since she wasn’t doing much that needed her to have both hands and that was nice. It didn’t stop me from resenting Celestia a little bit for giving me the most challenging detail out of the four, but then again, I wasn’t going to have to deal with Chrysalis or anything, though I would have much preferred to do so. The weight on my shoulders grew heavier the closer we got to Esteril, but I felt like I couldn’t do anything about it now. I didn’t want to think about what I was going to have to do and I don’t want to, but… The mind does what it wants. My thoughts keep travelling back to the lives I was going to snuff out like so many candles in the wind, but that’s what rulers do. It’s what royalty does. They sacrifice lives for the greater good, and if need be, they put their own on the line so their people can live in peace, or at least, that’s how I think a true leader should act. I wouldn’t wish my position on anyone, nor would I ask that someone take my burden. I know damn well that I could pluck my soul from my body, put it in someone else’s, and force a trade like that, but that would be so cowardly, I don’t know if I could live with myself after that.

I don’t want to be a Prince. I don’t want the power or the responsibility that comes with it. I don’t want the True Theft, or the Tele/Psychokinesis. I don’t want the power that I’m still not going to speak of, but I have no choice. I’ve lived my life in a way that’s dumped all this bullshit on my lap and it’s seeping deeper into me than I care to admit. Hell, I’ve taken to staying in Prince Mode just to keep calm and collected, but I want to do nothing more than curl up and forget, to leave my life behind and just go be happy with Twilight somewhere, but I can’t. If I ever ran from my duties, then I’d be fucking the people who rely on me so hard I doubt that I’d be redeemable.

Being me fucking sucks most of the time.

Whatever. I’m done bitching and lamenting my choices. I can’t change anything right now, so let’s just get on with what happened when we arrived in Solitario, yeah?

Right. So the train stopped at the station and Taro got us moving, but when we got off, there were already a few people waiting for us. Two of them were seedy looking blokes with something that looked like and Oroboros brand under their right eyes, both of them being Dogs. The other two were Ponies that were on the slim side, but still looked rather dangerous in their own right. However, I’ve never been one to be intimidated and I was wearing my Kopis openly since I was fucking allowed to, so they gave Crimson, Taro and I some space. That didn’t mean that they were just going to let us go, and when they tried to follow us, it was fucking obvious to me and Crimson that they weren’t planning on letting us do much without having eyes on us at the very least. It didn’t help that the total of people who’d gotten off of the train had been six and that the other three people gave off the vibe of being natives to the area, so I imagined that word had travelled ahead of us that we were coming. There was a mole in El Castillo, so when I asked Taro to find me a place to write a quick letter, he directed us toward one of the two saloons in town. Taro was the lead, I took the middle, and Crimson wrapped up the rear, often looking around as if he were a tourist of some kind. Taro either didn’t know what was up or didn’t care because he just took us down the main roads to our destination.

When we got inside of the establishment, it was dimly lit with lanterns and stuffier than an attic in the middle of the summer. I had Crimson grab us a few drinks and keep an eye on the bartender while he poured so I could get my note written and sent off to Prince Sabio. Once I had it sent, Crimson handed me my drink and I gave it a sniff before downing half of it in one go. It was hot and disgusting; rotgut at its finest, but it was a liquid nonetheless and I was fucking thirsty. A minute or two after I got my drink, our tails popped into the bar and Taro finally took notice of them. He paled when he saw them walk in and started speaking to Crimson in hushed whispers that I didn’t quite understand, but I did get that he was trying to say that we needed to go as soon as possible. Crimson relayed the information to me and asked how I wanted to handle the situation, so I suggested that we have a talk with our tails and find out what they wanted. Crimson wasn’t exactly against the idea since they were only armed with knives while we were both trained to deal with such situations. Taro, however, didn’t want to get killed, so he suggested that we just leave, so I gave in easily since I wasn’t really trying to add more blood to my hands if I didn’t have to.

I drained the rest of my mug and Crimson just left his on the table, flipping the bartender a ten bit coin like he’d had plenty of practice in doing so. We got gone soon after and Taro started leading us through back alleys so we could lose our tail, but when we were getting close to the inn we were supposed to be staying at for the night, there were some thugs at the end of the passage that didn’t seem like they wanted to have tea. Taro abruptly turned around and started motioning for Crimson and I to head back the way we came, but when we turned around the four goons from before were already blocking our exit. Crimson drew his Tanto instead of his longsword since we didn’t have that much space and I drew The Warbling Blade since some unfortunate, senseless murdering was about to happen.

Taro began speaking to the guys ahead of us in rapid Mexicoltian, but when they kept coming closer and closer, drawing their own knives, I pushed him between Crimson and I so we could handle things the proper way and I started actually using my head. Instead of fighting the people in front of me, I put my knife back in its sheath and activated my True Theft. I grabbed the fellow at the back of the group in front of me and sent him to Gryphonia before doing the same with the rest of them. When I turned around, Crimson was stabbing some guy multiple times with two knives, so I assumed that he’d gotten one of them out of the way and stole his knife. That, or he’d taken the knife from the guy he was stabbing. Either way, I still teleported the last of those fellows into Gryphonia so they could be dealt with by someone else.

Crimson let the guy he’d handled fall to the ground and I stole his body and threw it into the sky, looking up as I did so. I’d sent him awfully high, and when I saw the speck start coming closer and closer, I followed it with my eyes all the way to the middle of the street. It didn’t quite splatter, but it did bounce awfully high with a rather loud crunching sound, and when it hit the ground again, it was a little messier. Crimson came over to see what I was looking at and made a simple noise, looking up to the sky to check for more falling bodies. There weren’t any since I’d only dropped that guy to send a message, and he was probably already dead anyway, so we dragged Taro over to the inn.

The poor guide was a little shaken after nearly having been killed, but Crimson and I assured him that none of the people who’d come after him were ever going to get word out that he was with us, and that while he was in our company, we would protect him. Taro breathed a little easier after that, and after some tequila from the inn’s stores, he started sharing stories with Crimson and I went outside for a breath of fresh air. No one had bothered to move the body, though there were already some rats doing their best to get rid of it. I didn’t like that very much, so I picked the fellow up with my True Theft and phased him into the ground so he would get kinda sorta buried.

Seeing one of our assailants again made me wonder how Godrick, the weapons smuggler from Gryphonia, was doing with his seven new friends. I thought that they’d probably be killed or something, but as long as I didn’t have to deal with them, I didn’t really care. I didn’t want to sully my hands with unnecessary blood if I didn’t have to, but as I was looking up at the clear night sky, I heard some footsteps that lead me to believe that I was going to have to send some more people away.

I was proven correct when a Dog twice the size of fucking Macintosh showed up from the side of the building and made eye contact with me. I gave it a nod and it growled at me, stalking closer. It’s heartbeat was the only one thrumming loudly enough to show any kind of killing intent, so I was sure that the small crowd of passers-by that was gathering were expecting it to kill me in a spectacular fashion. When the Dog stopped a meter or so away from me, it unsheathed a rather large Bowie Knife that was probably the length of my forearm. Again, I’m not one to be intimidated by just anything, so I limbered up a little bit and looked it in the eyes.

“Are you looking for trouble, friend?” I asked poitely.

It snarled some more.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” I shrugged. “I suppose I could just send you away and not deal with you, but you actually seem like a fun fight that I can tell my mentor about. Tell you what; if you manage to scratch me with your little pen knife, I’ll let you kill me. Deal?”

It didn’t give me and answer and just sent a well telegraphed and poorly aimed swipe at my face. All I had to do to dodge it was take a step back, and when it saw that I wasn’t even trying to give a fuck, it growled some more and took a few more swipes at me. I kept my hands in my pockets and just weaved around it since I really wasn’t trying to be bothered, but I could feel my heart slowly hardening, and when I lifted my left hand from my pocket, the Dog stopped and looked at me like I was crazy. I stepped into its guard and it tried to push me away, but I let its paw slide off of me and snapped my fingers in its face.

Primal Mode was fully active and I no longer gave a damn about how much blood I would have on my hands. The Dog tried to make some distance between us so it could use its full range, but I stayed on it like a metaphor in a poem and started throwing jabs into its stomach in an attempt to make it throw up since I wanted it to be vulnerable for a good, pretty finisher. The first few connected well and the Dog winced every time, getting more angry with every hit it took. I wasn’t phased in the slightest and continued working its gut for a few minutes, but when I got a good rhythm going, I started using flowing strikes to its head to disorient it, boxing its ears every now again while mixing in the odd jab to its furry face to make it clear that I was in control.

The Dog dropped its knife and tried to fight me hand to hand, but every one of its punches were worthless in its effort to avoid getting hit on nose again. When it threw its powerful hooks and slow straights, I pounded on its wrists far harder than I had on its face, making it harder for the oversized dumbass to form a fist with every punch. Desperation set in hard for my opponent when I got tired of being nice and used the Warbling blade to stab it right above the bend in its elbow. If you’re not that familiar with anatomy, that’s where quite a few tendons lie in the arm, so once I disabled its right arm, my point was clear and the Dog’s heart beat rapidly in its chest, going straight from ‘fight’ to ‘flight’. I considered letting it go. I considered letting its punishment be just losing one arm. I considered letting one Hell of a lesson be all it needed to learn.

Some evil part of me told Mr. Nice Guy to kill himself.

The Dog tried to run, but I fluidly snatched three of my throwing knives from my boot and sent all three of them into the back of its leg, grounding it. It had only gotten a few meters away from me, so it wasn’t hard for me to get over to it. The massive mother fucker pulled my knives out of its leg and tried to get up so it could hobble away, but I was feeling the Full Metal Alchemist vibe pretty hard in the moment, so I stabbed its thigh with The Warbling Blade and twisted it, making the creature howl in pain. In Primal Mode, pity has no place in my heart, so when I pulled the blade out, I made sure to widen the cut a little more. The Dog fell to the ground once more and I looked around at the crowd. More people had gathered to watch my former assailant’s utter humiliation, but as I was looking around, a sharp pain in my left leg told me that the piece of shit had just bitten me.

I looked down at it and it tried to bite down harder, so I knelt down, collected my throwing knives with Telekinesis, and wedged two of them into the Dog’s jaw, severing the tendons there. It let go and gave a garbled howl, trying to remove the blade with its good arm this time around. I stood up and shook my leg a bit, a few drops of blood joining the Dog’s on the ground. Fighting me had made it forfeit an arm. Running from me cost it its leg. Biting me… Well, when I cut its tail off, everyone knew exactly what was happening up until I started waving it around. The once-imposing fellow was now a sniveling fucking wreck on the dusty ground, and when I stabbed its right hamstring to make sure it wasn’t going to walk without assistance again, it continued crying. The evil in me decided to make sure my point was received, so I grabbed the Dog byits shaggy mane and dragged it over to the crowd of people. They parted when I drew near and the Dog started whimpering words in Mexicoltian to them, most likely begging for help it wasn’t going to receive. I dropped it in the middle of the crowd and back away, but before I could even turn around, people were already spitting on it and cursing it. I assumed then that the Dog had been some kind of thug for La Canalla that had been terrorizing the town, so I felt it prudent to let the townsfolk decide on how they wanted to deal with him.

I made my way back to the inn and met Crimson standing in the doorway. I snapped out of Primal Mode and went into Prince Mode. “Hullo, Crimson.”

“... Why didn’t you just kill him?” He asked.

“I suppose I just didn’t feel like it.” I replied.

“... You’re making it really hard to follow you right now.”

I nodded. “I can understand that. Seeing your boss mutilate someone they could have easily defeated would be pretty disheartening.”

Crimson looked at me for a few more moments before shaking his head. “You’re dangerous.”

“Generally, I am not. However, I have slowly been going insane again.” I said casually.

“Is this what happens when you’re away from Ponyville for too long?”

“No, this is what happens when I’m away from Twilight too long and I have too much time to dwell. Would you like some tequila?”

“I could use a drink while I write Twilight.” Crimson replied.

“Why are you writing Twilight?”

“So she can reel you in. You’re close to crossing a fine line between doing evil for good and doing evil for the sake of it, Max, and I can’t let you do that.”

“Oh, then carry on.” I said, walking past him.

Crimson followed close behind. “You’re not going to object? You’re just going to say I’m right?”

I shrugged. “You are right. What I just did to that massive mutt was pretty damned evil, Crimson. I need to be reeled in after we go to Esteril.”

Crimson stopped and I took a few more steps before turning around. “Max, you’re implying that what we’re about to do is going to mess your mind up, but you’re not looking for another way out.”

“That’s correct. I needed to take care of that business anyway, we’re just getting bonuses on top of it at this point.”

“... Look, I get that salt is getting to be a problem in Equestria,” He said quietly, “but there has to be another way.”

“Have you thought of one?” I asked kindly.

“... No.”

I spread my hands. “Two birds, one stone. If you think of a better way to handle this before we get to Esteril, let me know and we’ll talk it out, and I do mean that. I don’t exactly want to do things like this, but unless you want try taking care of this in a few days, I don’t see how we, two people, are going to be able to accomplish what an entire government hasn’t been able to do in decades.”

Crimson sighed. “Can I get that drink now?”

I nodded. “Don’t drink too much, we have to get up early.”

He gave me a thumbs up and headed toward the table we’d been occupying so he could take a few shots and I headed to bed since there was nothing else I wanted to do. I didn’t even feel like writing in my journal, so I just went to sleep instead of doing anything else, and when I woke up the next morning, I was feeling a little shitty. The recurring nightmares had been fucking with me for a few days now, but it wasn’t like I couldn’t handle them, so I just got up and did what I needed to do before heading downstairs. No one was present when I went there, but it was cooler than it had been up in my room, so that was nice.

Soon enough, Taro and Crimson joined me and we set out towards the edge of town to meet up with the caravan that was supposed to be getting us to the mountain range, and once I was introduced to the leader of the wagon-train, I kinda liked him. He wasn’t a bad sort, just a little bit on the dull side. It was nice that he spoke fluent Equuish, however, so I listened to his boring stories, though I swear if he would have added some intonation to his voice, he wouldn’t have sounded so damn droll.

Still, three days worth of ox riding went by quickly enough that it didn’t suck completely. As I’ve said before, traveling is boring, and having a brick wall of a language barrier between me and the rest of the caravaners meant that I wasn’t really able to talk to many people without Crimson or the head caravan fellow translating for me. In any case, the trip wasn’t that bad, but Crimson started getting a little more distant with me. It’s not like I was surprised or anything, but I hoped that things would eventually even out between us and that he would see that I had to make a judgement call with Corona Rey. The thing with that big Dog was unnecessary to say the least, but… I don’t really have an excuse. It was just a brutal way of dealing with someone and it was completely uncalled for, but the fucker was after my life and he did try to kill me. I didn’t really feel all that guilty since I could have just killed him slowly and left it at that, or sent him into space and let him suffocate. There were a lot of painful ways that I could have killed him, but I didn’t, so he should be happy with having his pride be damaged.

People really need to learn when to pick fights with me.

In any case, the caravan took us by the foot of the mountain range in a few days and thus began our trek up a few hundred meters so we could get a proper look at Esteril. The caravan would only wait two days for us, so we didn’t have much time to dawdle. However, there was plenty of time for us to get up the mountain’s path since we only needed to get so far, and the path was cut into the stone. It was actually going to be the quickest part of the trip so far, and when we started walking up the paths, Taro was able to take us through an old pilgrim’s route that would lead us to the perfect vantage point. It would be perfect since Esteril was only a handful of kilometers away, but I did worry about how my plan was going to work with us being so close. Luckily, the caravan was on the other side of the mountain, so they probably wouldn’t have to worry about the fallout any time soon unless they were stupid enough to go around the other side like I had told them not to.

Getting to the vantage point only took about seven hours of walking without a break, so that was nice. When we sat down and camped for the night, we could see lights in the town below, but there wasn’t much else in the way of illumination as far as I could tell. However, I knew that things would get a lot brighter and hotter the next day, so I enjoyed the darkness and the cool breeze of the night while it lasted. I didn’t do much writing because it was fucking dark, but I did talk to Crimson a little bit more and he said that he was just going to have to deal with the fact that I wasn’t going to have clean hands during The War. I’d thought that it would’ve been obvious since I would be killing people en masse, but you know how it goes.

Anyway, since I’m getting all of this written down, I woke up early the next day and used the light of dawn to get a glance at the town. I could see for kilometers around that it was nothing but badland, infertile soil and salt-flats that would most likely be the source of whatever they used to cut the Manganese Salts with. The town itself was actually a little on the large side, so I decided to try some scouting and teleported myself into the center of it since I could see a bell tower in the middle. No one was up so early when the Sun was just barely on the rise, but I could still see pretty decently. I had a quick walk around the Town Square and didn’t see much, so I grabbed Sombra’s horn from the bags I’d left at our campsite and stole the Black Crystal power from it so I could erect an obelisk in the middle of town: something for me to aim at.

Once a grey, twenty meter tall pillar was sitting next to the bell tower, looming over the Town Square, I took myself back to the campsite and waited for the Sun to rise a bit higher. When I could see it out of the corner of my eye, I was sure to steal Sombra’s power from myself and put it back in his horn before sitting on the edge of the cliff that overlooked Esteril. The town seemed to be waking up from what I could tell, though that was only because I could see a bit of movement going on from my position. I couldn’t see much, but what little there was let me know that the time was coming.

I decided to stop prolonging the inevitable and activated my True Theft. With my left hand onyx black, swirling with white, I reached through time and space to grab a handful of the Sun, skinning the top and just barely taking a pinch of it in my fingers. Once I held the drop of the Sun, I aimed for the center of the town and took one deep breath before just letting it go, not giving myself time to think twice about my actions.

I could feel the heat from the mountain, and the bright flash of light blew up dust from all around the town, but I didn’t stop there. I took another pinch of the Sun and let it go on the edge of town on the west side, and did it again on the east side of town. By the time I was done with the north and south, the town had been blackened and then whitened like it was bleached by the Sun, which it technically had been. The entire place looked like it was made of salt now, which was poetic in a way, but my black pillar still sat high within its walls, marking the evil I’d just committed like it had been my intention all along. I heard Crimson stir behind me and rose from the cliffside to go and greet him.

He was barely awake when I said, “You can go now.”

Crimson looked up at me. “What do you mean?” He looked around in dawn’s early light. “You haven’t had the time to do anything, right?”

“I visited the town and had some time. I want you and Taro to head back down the path.” I said calmly. “Take your time in packing up, but still. I want you two to head down before I do.”

Crimson blinked at me. “So you’re just going to wipe Esteril out without any witnesses.”

I nodded. “You don’t need to witness this, Crimson. You don’t need it on your conscience any more than I do.”

He sighed after a moment. “I know this can’t be easy for you, Max.”

“It’s better when I don’t think about it. If I can’t do it, I’ll let you know.”

He nodded and rose from his bedroll. “In that case, I’ll get Taro up and we’ll head out. Good luck, Max. I really do wish you the best.”

“Thanks.”

I waited for an hour until he and Taro were most likely heading back on the other side of the mountain to give Esteril another look. I couldn’t see any signs of movement, not even with the telescope Fernando (the head caravan guy) lent me. I sat in some sparse shade for two more hours, my mind wandering from time to time as I didn’t move, but my thoughts weren’t really my own. Guilt was nibbling on me pretty well and I knew that what I was about to do was going to make it that much worse, but I felt like I owed it to the people I’d ended to at least look at them. When four hours had passed, I teleported myself back into the center of Esteril and realized that it was warmer there than it had been on the mountain side. The heat from the Sun’s fire had left some time ago, but the glassy look of the sand on the ground… It had been an intense burn, and I briefly thought about how much it would suck for anyone to fall in the town now since the ground seemed like it would rip and tear at your flesh, digging deeper if you tried to wash it out.

There was little for me to see when I first arrived in town besides glass and ashes, but when I started looking around some more, I realized that some of the things I’d originally thought were just impurities within the walls of some of the houses were actually imprints of bodies. I could trace out certain people’s forms against the walls, but what bothered me most was the one I found that was smaller than the others. I’d found dozens at the time, but the small one was the one that caught my eye. It was about a meter high and seemed like it was close to another, and when I looked down at the ground, I saw some blackened sticks that I’d seen before. They were smaller than any other set and were either a dwarf’s bones or belonged to something a little more innocent.

It had never occurred to me that there might be children in Esteril.

I walked around some more, looking for more small imprints, more piles of smaller bones, but I didn’t find any more outside. The insides of the houses were open to me since every door had been burned to cinders, and after three hours of walking around, checking out every cracked, glassy house. I realized that the clay had probably turned into porcelain from the sheer intensity of the heat while I was walking through the places, and every once in awhile, I would find a few more piles of bones to go along with the rest.

I found six more small piles of blackened bones as I travelled the rest of Esteril. I made seven Seals on my right arm that would bring me pain whenever I forgot about them until I remembered. Seven children I’d killed, and seven times I plunged the Warbling Blade into my heart to atone for my sins. It wouldn’t amount to a Goddamn thing for the simple fact that I’d taken their lives, but I couldn’t take my own. I don’t know how long I spent in Esteril, but I felt like it was my duty to stay there, to rebuild the town and to make it whole since I’d destroyed it. I wanted nothing more than to die there, to kill the rest of me where I’d killed a part of myself, but being immortal holds no mercy for those acts you can’t take back. Being immortal is a curse. A curse that never leaves you.

I have to live with the fact that I killed seven children, seven innocent people that had never done a damned thing to me in their entire lives, all for the sake of building power for a war that would most likely claim the lives of thousands more. I had to live with the fact that if I’d done a little more research, if I’d taken the time to look around Esteril some more, I might have been able to save those kids. I could have made sure that no one innocent died, but no. I killed them, and now I have to live with it for the rest of my unnaturally long life.

When I finished my business in Esteril, my hands were bloody from digging graves for the children I’d killed and I was crawling my way out of the city on my knees. The hardened earth that was practically shards of ceramics by now made a complete mess of my knees, but I could barely feel the pain, even as I felt shards of it become lodged in my knees. I couldn’t complain. I didn’t deserve to. It didn’t help that the floor was coated in salt, so that really made things hurt more, like rubbing salt in the wound, but I thought that when I left Esteril, I would just steal the non-organic material from my kneecaps and walk back to the caravan.

I was terribly wrong in my assumption that I would be able to walk after crawling through Esteril. I could barely get to my feet, and when I stood, I was in immense pain that didn’t seem to let up, but that was the point of doing it in the first place. Once I was a decent distance out of town and there was a good trail of blood behind me, I stole myself and landed flat on my arse in front of Crimson who looked down at me in surprise at first. Then in shock. He took in the ragged holes in my shirt and the holes in the knees of my trousers and just stared.

“Max, what the buck happened to you? Why-” He looked at my forearms. “... Who did this to you?” He asked quietly.

“I did.” I said softly.

He tilted his head and looked at me like I was fucking crazy. “Somepony! Get the Prince a medic!”

I looked behind me and saw the majority of the caravan staring at us. Apparently Crimson had been back from a trip to the loo, if the dead bush he’d walked away from was anything to go by.

I waved his worries aside. “No, I’ll let this heal naturally.” I shakily got to my feet and hobbled over to the caravan, picking a spot on a random covered wagon.

Crimson joined me as I was scooping the salt, ceramics, and sand from my knees. “Alright, Max. What the hay is going on? Why did you slice yourself up like you were trying to whittle away at your bones or something? Is this a part of the insanity thing?”

I got the last bit of the mess from my knees. “No, Crimson. I killed seven children.”

“What.”

“Seven. If I would have looked around, if I would’ve done some research, the lives of seven innocent children would have been spared.” I said numbly.

Crimson stared at me blankly. “Max…”

I looked up at him, the tears brimming my eyes but not falling. “I didn’t know, Crimson. I didn’t know until I looked.”

“... You never look, Max. You never look at what you’ve done.” He laid a hand on each my shoulders.

“... I had to, Crimson. I had to see what I did.” I shook my head.

He shook me gently and I looked up at him. “Max, it’s early for me to say this, but I need you to put this behind you. As you are right now, the bucked up state you’re in… You’re not in any position to be making promises or conducting any sort of royal business.”

I painfully snapped my fingers and went into Prince Mode. “I can escape my pain for as long as I need to, Crimson Tide. I assure you, one way or the other, that I am fully capable of doing whatever needs to be done.”

“... It’s terrifying that you can do that.” He said softly.

“I am much more than a mere man now, and so much less. I know what’s wrong, Crimson, and I can conduct my business around it. My atonement is already over, but my crimes will never be forgotten. There is only one person who will help me with them, and that is Twilight herself.”

“Then I’ll get her here, one way or the other-”

“No. We have too much to do, too many responsibilities that push our problems to the side. I will deal with my sins now, but when we meet again, I will confess them to her and we will cry together.”

“... I don’t trust you right now. I really don’t.” Crimson said, completely honest.

“I need you to believe me, Crimson. One way or the other, once we finish our business here in Mexicolt, I will have Twilight come to my side before she talks to Chrysalis and then I will deal with this as I need to. Until then, I have business to attend to.”

I achingly crossed my legs while on the wagon and began to close my eyes. “Oh, and Crimson? Tell Fernando that we can start heading back toward Solitario. We’ve done what we’ve come to do.”

I had my eyes closed, but I could hear that he was walking away, so I tried to meditate and focus on the itching in my chest rather than the aching burn in my legs. It was an odd sensation, feeling the flesh slowly knit itself back together on my arms and legs, but it was a bearable one since I still felt like I earned the discomfort. The wagon began to move and I listened as a few people walked around, but no one bothered me or said much, though I was pretty sure that being covered in blood and stab wounds didn’t do me any favors with their opinions of me. I hoped that they would just think I’d ran into trouble in Esteril or something, but barring that, I can’t imagine what all they might have thought of me.

I’ll skip the trip back to Solitario since it was fucking boring. Little happened, though Crimson did try to coax me out of Prince Mode so I could talk, but I refused and rebuked him gently when he brought it up, stating that I needed to be clear of mind and sound of body by the time we got back to Mexicolt City. He wasn’t terribly pushy with his desire to help me ‘get over it’, but I knew that he would be there when I needed to talk, if I needed to. For the time being, we’re sitting on the train back to Mexicolt City in silence and I’m just writing to pass the time, but I can’t help but feel like there’s more that King Sabio (He’s probably not a Prince anymore) is going to want me to do. If he asks for more, then I don’t know what I’ll do. I suppose I could tell him that I simply don’t want to perform any more tasks for him, but other than that, there isn’t much I can do. We’ll see what happens from there.

For now, it’s time to stop and get my head in the right place. Being able to switch between personalities helps with that, but it isn’t the same as dealing with it. No, I need to get in touch with Twilight sooner rather than later, though she’s already sent me a few letters asking about why I was feeling so depressed and stressed. I told her that we needed to talk, but other than that, I haven’t said much on the matter and she swore that we would talk once she finished up with Chrysalis for the day. Twilight told me that Chrysalis was trying to play hard to get with her negotiations and was trying to squeeze her for every resource that she could, but Twilight was holding firm and had conferred with Celestia to see what she was allowed to put on the table. I was given no such restrictions, but then again, it hadn’t been likely that I would need them. Again, we’ll see what Sabio says and we’ll carry on from there.

As of right now, it’s time for another round of nightmares.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The trip back to Mexicolt took a little longer than I anticipated, but it was fine since it gave me a little more time to heal up. Now my wounds were just scars that would fade in a few more weeks, though the seven Seals on my right arm were there to stay until I forgave myself for taking those lives so carelessly. I doubted that I needed to add anymore, but I knew that I’d scoured the entire town pretty well for anymore little piles of bones and that made me feel pretty assured that I’d found all of the ones that were directly affected.

When we actually arrived in Mexicolt proper, Taro lead us straight to El Castillo and left us when it was in view. Crimson and I walked a little slowly since my legs were still aching, but we made respectable time in getting there seeing as how Mexicolt is such a large city. We got into El Castillo with no problem and I was allowed an audience with Sabio within minutes of arriving. It was nice to know that things could be done so quickly and I hoped that we would be able to get the talks about whether or not Mexicolt would be assisting Equestria out of the way. Whether or not we did was to be ascertained, but still, I was allowed to hope.

Crimson and I were shown to the room I’d killed Corona Rey in after meeting him and we were sat down to wait for King Sabio. A few minutes later, the new King came in and greeted us with a strained smile and shook my hand.

“Prince Maximus. I trust our business in Esteril is taken care of?” He half-asked.

I nodded. “It is. I hope you’ve considered allying yourself with Equestria while I’ve been away.”

Sabio sighed. “I have, and I regret to inform you-”

“No.” I cut him off. “I killed thousands of people to make this deal work. Thousands, Sabio. There is no ‘I regret to inform you’.”

He looked at me with a bit of steel in his eyes. “My advisors have warned me against allying myself with Equestria, and as I was about to tell you, I’ve decided to ignore them. You personally have done Mexicolt a great service in ridding us of the filth that was Esteril de Tierra, and I refuse to let you leave my country without repaying that favour.”

I sighed in relief. “I apologize for interrupting you, King Sabio, but I’ve been under stress as of late. I won’t bore you with the details, but I will say that I am glad that you’ve agreed to make this deal happen.”

He nodded. “Indeed. Hopefully Mexicolt and Equestria will grow closer in the coming years, though we never know what lies in the future.”

“That is all too true. Now, the matter of me dueling the one fellow…?” I asked.

Sabio waved it aside. “If you want to duel a prisoner, then that is up to you. It was found that Ferdinand and a few others of my politicastros were consorting with La Canalla, so I have placed them under arrest and charged them with treason. Should you wish to stay for their executions, you are welcome to do so.”

I shook my head. “If you do not mind, I would like to leave after this conversation. As pleasant as I find your company, my heart is heavy with the events that occurred in Esteril and I franky require a break. I have never done such a thing, and I hoped that I would be able to take my actions in stride, but they’ve worn on me, I’m afraid.”

Sabio nodded. “The deaths of my countrymen do not please me, but they were aware of the poison they were peddling. I was going to ask you to assist me further with the destruction of the drug-chocolate trade, but I fear for your mind if you were to take them on as well. Hopefully the Dogs of my country will continue to abstain, but again, we never know what the future holds.”

“And you are right again. Before I take my leave, King Sabio, I must warn you against trusting the word of Discord. He is quite literally the King of lies and deceipt, and I have no doubts that he will try to worm his way into your mind using any means at his disposal. I wish you luck in dealing with him should he come calling, but until then, be strong, my friend. If there is something else you need, count me as one of your comrades and I’ll be there for you.”

Sabio gave me a smile. “If I may call you a friend, then I would like that we leave our titles out of our discussions. I do not like being a King, nor do I like being reminded that I am one.”

I chuckled. “To tell you the truth, I hate being a Prince myself. There are many things I would trade my title for, but there is no one I would be willing to hand this burden over to.”

Sabio sighed. “I feel the same way, mi amigo. I feel you have it slightly easier than I have, however.”

I nodded. “I do. I have a lover I can share my responsibilities with and Celestia herself handles many of the fine details. Still, being a Prince of Equestria still comes with plenty of negatives that outweigh the boons.”

“And being a King has many of the same consequences. However, I wish you the best of luck in remaining strong with your rule as Prince.”

“And the same to you, Sabio.” I rose from my seat slowly.

He looked at me, concerned. “Are you okay, Maximus? Do your legs bother you?”

“Yes, but it’s pain from my atonement, so I will make it as I need to.” I said evenly.

“Atonement? For what you did in Esteril?”

“Yes.”

“I assure you that there was no need to atone for wiping such a terrible stain on Mexicolt away.” He said comfortingly.

“There were several children in Esteril.” I replied softly.

“... Oh. When did you learn this?”

“Afterwards, when I went to see the destruction I caused.”

“If only I could have told you of that folly! Please, Maximus, rest easily knowing that those hijos are in a far better place than they were. The afterlife is kind to children, did you know?”

“I may have ended their earthly suffering, but it was not my place to do so, Sabio. I could have saved them from my own hand, had I cared enough to spend more time looking into Esteril than I did.”

“Punishing yourself is pointless, mi amigo. Take your time and process what you’ve done, and I will keep in touch to see your progress. If you can forgive yourself, you will be better of for it, I believe. However, I still think you did those children a kindness in giving them peace that they would never have known in their lives.”

I looked at Sabio. “I may not know what the life in Esteril was before I claimed it, but I refuse to believe that killing someone is doing them a favour. I believe we will agree to disagree on this matter.”

Sabio nodded solemnly. “At the very least agree that it is better that they don’t have to live under La Canalla’s iron fist any longer.”

“They could have been brought to an orphanage or we could have brought their parents along with them to Equestria so they could enjoy a colder climate for a spell. Honestly, it’s too hot here for people to live.”

“I know what you are doing and I shall allow it to work. I do not believe I can do anything for you in this state, but know that I am willing to lend you an ear should you need one.”

“Thank you, Sabio, but I just hope that I have not brought you more trouble in burning Esteril.”

His eyes flashed open. “You burned Esteril!?”

“With Sun-fire, yes.”

“... The prophecy came true.” He said softly. “I thought you may have poisoned the water or did something else to achieve your result. Tell me, did it look as though the town was made of white salt?”

“It did.” I answered cautiously.

“Sodoma has come to pass.” Sabio whispered.

“Sodom?” I asked, not sure if I comprehended his words correctly.

“I apologize, Maximus, but I believe you may be the Bringer of Fire that was destined to rid Mexicolt of its modern Sodoma. It has been prophesied for thousands of years that a hero from a distant world would come and rid Mexicolt of Sodoma by burning it away into a town of salt.”

“... Is the place that manufactures the drug-chocolate named Gomorrah?”

Sabio blinked in surprise. “You know of the legends?”

“I know of legends from my world that correlate somewhat with what you’ve told me of Esteril. I’m surprised I didn’t see the similarities myself.”

Sabio shook his head. “You truly come from another world?”

“I do. I come from a place called Earth.”

“As in soil? Tierra?”

I sighed. “Yes, as in dirt. My world and this one are actually similar in its geography and some of the countries that make up the world. I’ll have to start looking into more of the myths and legends here to see if they correlate with the ones from my world.”

“So your world has stories of Sodoma and Gomorrah?”

“It does. They were cities that existed thousands of years ago that were purified by a deity that hated what they were doing within town.”

“Ah… So that would make you the deity of this story, would it not?”

“Please, I don’t need to hear that.”

He held up his hands. “I meant no offense, Maximus.”

I raised a hand. “It’s no issue, I just don’t want to be thought of as more than a man. If I let my power and status go to my head, then bad things happen that I do not want.”

Sabio nodded. “Of course. Though, I must ask, how do you restrain yourself with as much power as you have? I mean, you ended an entire town with Sun-fire, so you must have a considerable amount in your hands.”

“I do, but I deal with it by not thinking of it too much. I try to let my power lie where it is since it will not get any stronger or weaker regardless of my usage of it. I simply try to understand it better and use it as a tool like one would a hammer or a sickle.”

He tilted his head. “So you do not think of how to use your power to your advantage?”

“I do my best not to. It’s the nature of the power to take from others and give to myself, but I know that things will be better for everyone if I stay my hand and let things follow their course. Then again, I can’t say that it’s true all the time since I have to intervene at certain points, but I generally try not to let my strength rule my mind.”

“You are wise beyond our years, Maximus. Perhaps you are the most suited to wield such power because you recognize its corrupting influence?”

“That’s what Celestia said about making me a Prince and I’ve yet to prove her wrong.” I sighed. “However, it’s been a strange journey so far and it will only get stranger. Have you had a chance to meet Queen Elfriede?”

“I’ve met her before at a conference, but her words were for my father, not me. Why do you ask?”

“She is who I am supposed to parlay with once I finish business here. I know her personally, but-”

“If I may interrupt,” Sabio waited for my nod, “how personally do you know her?”

“Well, I met her during one of my missions as a Royal Operative working under Luna, so I know her pretty well.”

“Oh, then your talk should go well.” He said innocently.

“It might not go as I hope. Elfriede’s cabinet is full of Equestria-haters and I do not know whether or not she will decide to side with us.”

Sabio pursed his lips. “I hope she does, otherwise she must side with Discord. I don’t believe there will be much room for neutral parties if The War goes on as I think it will.”

I shook my head. “Expect nothing and prepare for everything, my friend. As it is, I’ve got to go talk to her and see what she’s going to say.”

“Then I will keep you no longer. I trust that you will stay safe in your travels?”

“I will do my best. Stay safe and stay sane, Sabio.”

He extended a hand. “Likewise, Maximus. Again, do not let the deaths in Esteril rule your mind.”

I nodded and shook his hand. “I won’t. Thank you.”

With our discussion out of the way, Crimson and I left the room and I teleported us into Otterwa, the capital of Gryphonia instead of just going straight to Elfriede’s castle. I figured that we could nab a nice room at an inn for the night and I could have a talk with Twilight within my own room. Thus began our search for the nicest inn around, and after asking a few people, it was agreed that the Dragon’s Beard Inn was the best one around, so we headed there, paid for a couple of rooms and a meal, and retired for the night since Otterwa was considerably further ahead with its time than Mexicolt City was. Once I sat down and took a load off, I wrote Twilight and asked her if she was free for a couple hours. A few minutes after I sent the message, Twilight teleported into the spacious room and I rose to greet her.

“Hullo, Cherry.” I gave her a smile.

She looked at me, worried. “What happened, Amour? I know something big had to have occurred for me to feel it while I was still in Bridleland.”

My smile turned sad. “Can we just enjoy each other’s company for a little bit?”

“Can you go back to being normal Max instead of being a Prince? You know I can tell the difference, right?”

“Of course I know, but it has been weeks since we have seen each other and I’d like to spend some time relaxing rather than digging into the new trauma I earned.”

Twilight came over and gave me a hug. “I want you out of Prince Mode, Max. Please?”

I snapped softly and started shaking. “Twilight, this is a mistake-”

“No, it’s not. Max, what happened?” She held me at arm’s length.

I couldn’t look her in the eyes. “I… I killed a lot of people, Twilight. Thousands.”

Her breath caught. “Max…”

I clenched my hands tightly until I felt my nails break skin. “I-I… Twilight, I…”

She hugged me again. “It was for the alliance, wasn’t it?”

“Yes.” I said, my voice thick.

She froze. “That’s not the only thing on your mind.”

“Twilight…” I took a deep breath, but the next thing out of my mouth was a sorrowful sob, one that I couldn’t hold back any longer. I felt like I was breaking into seven pieces all over again, and the guilt ate my heart whole.

I trembled in Twilight arms as she held me firmly, my tether in the middle of the maelstrom of horror and guilt and sadness and pain that took me in wave after wave. To know I ended so many lives… To feel what I’d been escaping for the past week… Only a truly sick bastard could rest well knowing that they claimed so many souls, but what really troubled me was the one thing I couldn’t voice. I couldn’t say it again. Not to Twilight. Not to my love. I battled with myself, trying to speak my worst crimes to her, but every time I tried to form the words, they failed me and my heart ached tenfold. I wanted it to end; I wanted my suffering to be over like it was for those children, but I knew that I couldn’t die, despite my best efforts.

Twilight held me for what felt like hours, guiding me through the grief that bombarded me, being my beacon of hope that made me feel… Less unclean. Less evil. Less untouchable. Her touch made me feel like I wasn’t the lowest level of scum, but a part of my heart that was still within the belly of the beast told me that I was the biggest piece of filth that had ever walked Equus. I choked down my tears and made Twilight let go of me for a moment, just long enough to look her in the eye for the first time since she’d arrived.

“T-Twilight… I killed kids… I killed seven fucking children, Twilight. I-I... “ I couldn’t keep it together any longer. It had been hard enough to force those words out.

The look of shock on Twilight’s face hurt until she put her hands on my face and pulled me in for a kiss. She let my face go after a minute and held me once more. “Max, I know you didn’t know. You didn’t know before you did it.”

“If I would have scouted-”

“No, you can’t think like that, Amour. You can’t let this kill you on the inside.” She said angrily, which surprised me a bit. “You can’t let this tear you apart, Max. I felt the pain you put yourself through, I can feel the ache in your heart right now, and I need you to know that monsters don’t feel this. They don’t feel this level of remorse. you are not a monster, okay? You are Max and you made a big mistake, but you are not some heartless creature that thrives on violence. You did what you did to help Equestria, and neither of us are proud of it, but you didn’t know that there would be children involved, you… You acted for the greater good, Amour. You acted blindly, but with the best intentions for Equestria and the world, and you need to accept that before you let yourself become so bogged down in guilt that you can’t move.”

I hugged her tightly. “I can’t breathe, Twilight. I-I… How do I just go on knowing that I’m not going to be punished for this?”

She gripped my arms and glared at me. “I felt you stab yourself in the heart. I felt you crawling on your knees until you were bleeding. I felt you carve those words into your skin. Max, you’ve punished yourself enough and no one can tell me that you haven’t done enough to make up for it.”

“Y-You… I-I didn’t know you knew that...”

Twilight looked at me and blinked back tears. “I’ve been so worried about you for the past week, but I knew that you would reach out when the time was right. I just…” She took a breath. “Feel what you feel, Max. Take some time and let the healing start. We can go back home to Ponyville and we can just put this aside for right now, okay? Chrysalis can wait and Elfriede… Well, we’ll send her a note or something, but I want to get you home, and I want you to stabilize, because right now, I can’t feel you anymore. All I’m feeling from you is pain and guilt, and that’s just not my Max.”

I gave her a pleading look. “Twilight, we have to-”

“We don’t have to do anything, Max. Celestia will understand if we take a break, and even if she doesn’t, I’ll stick my hoof so far down her throat it’ll come out the other side and I’ll use her as a shoe.”

It wasn’t within my reach to conjure up a chuckle. “It’s our responsibility…”

Twilight cleared the tears from my face. “And we’ll handle that responsibility later. For now, we need to get you home. Now, where’s Crimson?”

“Next room over to your right.” I said softly.

Twilight sat me down on the bed and looked me in the eyes. “I’m going to go get him and we’re going back to your house. Just sit here and try not to hurt yourself anymore, okay?”

I nodded, but Twilight didn’t leave. “Say you won’t hurt yourself anymore.”

“I won’t.”

She gave me another kiss. “Good. I’ll be right back.”

Twilight left the room and I heard her talking to Crimson through the walls. They spoke about me and my current mental state, both of them agreeing that I didn’t need to be on any kind of official business at the moment. I continued eavesdropping for a couple more minutes, though it’s not like I had a choice in the matter, but all they talked about was how badly shaken I seemed to be and Crimson started telling her about my ruthless act with Corona Rey. Twilight accepted it readily and said that she would speak to me about it, but when Crimson mentioned that I’d altered the Guard Captain’s, Twilight didn’t respond for a moment. Fear gripped my heart until she told Crimson that she was sure that it was the only way to get away with what I did, and when Crimson confirmed her suspicions, she breathed a sigh of relief and told him to gather his things so we could get back to Ponyville.

Less than thirty seconds later, Twilight and Crimson came into my room, and when I had my bags nearby, she teleported us and our things into my living room. Iron Hoof and Swift were surprised to see us, but I didn’t stop to talk and went straight to my room, leaving Twilight and Crimson to explain what went on while we’d been away. There was nothing I wanted to say for them, though I knew for certain that I wanted a long, cool shower that would hopefully get the feeling of Mexicolt out from under my skin.

I sat down in the shower for a good thirty minutes and just let the water wash over me, feeling my new scars and fingering the Seals on my arm. They hadn't flared up since I’d put them on, so I figured that I was going to remember the day better than pretty much any other. My soul was already soiled before Esteril, but… There are no words to describe what I felt, what I still feel. Being raped made me feel dirty. My first kill made me feel dirty. Using Dark Magic to literally change people’s minds made me feel dirty. Nothing compared to the raw shame, the unadulterated regret coursing through my veins, and I couldn’t tell myself that it was all in my head this time. I myself killed those kids and I have to live with that, with the feeling of their hands grasping at my throat, trying to claim their revenge. That I knew was in my head, but I couldn’t shake the feeling nonetheless.

Twilight came into the bathroom while I was trying not to do any deep thinking and slid the shower door open. She knelt down and got to eye level with me, so I looked at her briefly and returned my gaze to the shower head. Thankfully, she let me adjust to her presence for a little while, but there were words unspoken that we needed to get out in the open and one of us was going to have to breach the subject.

“He was going to side with Discord.” I said softly.

Twilight turned the shower off with Magic. “You mean Corona Rey, right?”

“Yeah.”

“He would have been a bad enemy to have.” Twilight murmured.

“I did it without a second thought, Twilight.”

“You did what you thought was best for Equestria. Having an enemy brushing elbows with us would have been to our detriment in the worst of ways.”

I closed my eyes. “I could have talked things out with him.”

“If he was going to side with Discord, then it’s better that you didn’t. We never could have trusted him knowing that he could be swayed with lies.”

“That’s what I keep telling myself.”

“... And altering that one Captain’s memories?”

“... It felt like the only option I had. It simultaneously cleared Crimson and I from suspicion since we had someone in the room with us and it gave us an alibi. I’m not proud of that.”

“Again, you did what you thought was best. In the end, Mexicolt is now an ally of Equestria, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Then you did your duty. It may have been bloodier than you would have liked, but the deed is done and you can’t take it back without risking a war from the south.”

I sighed. “I want to sleep Twilight.”

“Waking up isn’t something you can choose to do.” She replied gently.

I grit my teeth. “What fixes this, Twilight? What makes this go away?”

“Nothing.”

I felt my lip quiver and my eyes burned, my voice wresting control from me to let out a roar of hatred for myself and my status, for what I’d done and what I’d become. Twilight reached out and touched my arm, a simple act that made me feel less soul-crushingly alone. After another complete breakdown, she gave me enough time to collect myself and helped me out of the shower before drying me off with more Magic. I dressed myself and shambled over to my bed before lying down. Although I was still an emotional wreck, venting some of my frustrations left me feeling less pent up than I had, though the guilt was still overwhelming to say the least until Twilight laid down next to me. My fiance held me tightly for a few more hours, only letting go long enough to write a letter to Celestia explaining things as she knew them, though I filled her in on some of the details whenever she asked.

Twilight insisted that I write in my journal and get some of my pain on paper so it wouldn’t all be stuck inside of me, but that’s not how this works. It really isn’t. Writing it down just means that I had to remember everything I did all over again, and now that I have a chance to think about it, I’m mildly surprised that Noir hasn’t come to me with anything, but then again, I don’t know what she’s doing. She might be busy with her own things, so that would explain why I haven’t received a mental message or anything from her in a while.

As of this moment, I don’t want to write anymore. I just want to go to sleep and face tomorrow sometime in the next few years.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next day saw me waking up with Twilight, but that wasn’t until the Sun was already in the sky, looming over Equestria like a black hole. For a few moments, I forgot why I felt so tired and why I felt like utter rubbish, but it came back to me all too soon, though being in Twilight’s arms took the edge off slightly. She didn’t bother to ask me how I was feeling, but she did give me a long kiss that filled my mind with the warm, comforting feeling I got from Twilight whenever our lips met. She let me soak her in for as long as I wanted, but my heart just wasn’t in doing anything other than kissing, so we just stayed in my bed for a few more hours until Twilight asked me if I wanted to shower and shave for the day. There wasn’t a part of me that wanted to do anymore than lie down and wait for the Moon to crash to Equus, but my fiance encouraged me to get up and get moving so that I wasn’t just stuck in bed all day.

Without any reason to deny her simple request, I left my bed and went to go stand under some water for a little bit. It was still nice to have Twilight there with me, but all I wanted was to hold her for a little while, and I was thankful that she allowed me to do so for a few minutes. We actually had to get clean, however, so we took a little time to do that and since Twilight didn’t quite trust me with a knife at the moment, she just cast a hair removal spell on my face to get rid of the scruffy beard I’d grown since we’d been apart. It made me itchy for a little while, but the beard was itchier, so I wasn’t going to be complaining any time soon. Hell, even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t just for the simple fact that I didn’t care enough to say anything.

Once we were done with the shower, Twilight guided me downstairs and had me sit on the couch so she could grab me something to eat. Crimson had made stew for the morning and the group was just now coming back from the morning run, though when Twilight came back from the kitchen with Starshine, I found myself a little surprised that I’d forgotten about her being with Twilight in Chrysalis’ queendom. My team and Twilight all took up residence in their usual spots in the living room and Twilight handed me a bowl of Crimson’s stew that I ate slowly. It was probably fine, but it just didn’t taste right to me, and shortly after I finished it, it came right back up, and the only reason I didn’t lose my breakfast all over the floor was because I’d had a feeling that I should go to the restroom shortly after eating it.

When I came back from my trip to the loo, all eyes were on me, but I just joined Twilight on the couch and laid on her lap. She stroked my hair gently and I closed my eyes, searching for a semblance of peace. There were some fairly obvious questions that everyone wanted to ask, but I felt that it was equally obvious that I wasn’t in any shape to be badgered at the moment. Sadly, Swift lacked the tact that the rest of my team had, so he started in with some questions.

“Hey, Max? You okay?” Swift asked kindly.

Twilight answered for me. “No, but he will be. He just needs some time.”

Starshine coughed. “Do you guys need some time alone? I mean, we could all go home for a little bit and just let you have the house to yourselves.”

My fiance continued stroking my hair. “If it’s okay by Max, I think I’ll just bring him to my house for a little while so you all can have free run of the place. Of course it’s up to you if you want to stay or go while Max gets better, but I would appreciate it if you stuck around for a week or two.”

“Why don’t we have Max weigh in on what he wants?” Iron suggested.

“... I’ll go with Twilight. Do what you want.” I said softly.

Twilight rubbed my arm. “We’ll be heading to my place later today then. Crimson, if you guys decide to stay here, then you’re in charge. If you have any questions or concerns, you know how to reach me.”

“I do. Please keep us updated.” Crimson replied.

There was a loaded silence before Starshine said, “I’ve done it too, Max. I know I have.”

I opened my eyes and looked at her. “Did you see it for yourself?”

“I didn’t have to. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I know a similar pain.” She replied tenderly.

I closed my eyes again. “How did you deal with it?”

“I still haven’t.” She whispered.

“Then you need a break as much as Max does.” Crimson said curtly.

Starshine sighed. “I keep myself busy enough that I don’t have to worry about it-”

“And when you’re not busy?” Crimson asked.

“... I do a pretty good job of not thinking about it.” She confessed.

“Don’t let the wound fester.” I muttered.

“What was that?” Swift asked.

Twilight ahemmed. “He said ‘Don’t let the wound fester.’. He means that Starshine should talk to someone and get the weight off of her shoulders.”

“... I guess I could talk to Cici about it. I know she won’t judge me.” Starshine said quietly.

“Then please do it. It won’t help anyone if we have two team members down and out later on.” Crimson sighed heavily.

Twilight accidentally stuck her finger in my ear, but removed it quickly. “I agree. For now, however, I think we need to see what Celestia thinks of Max being incapacitated.”

“She’ll understand. I mean, what is she going to do? Force Max to work after what happened?” Swift scoffed.

“I doubt that will happen, but we just don’t know. Max isn’t really in any shape to deny her, so we’ll have to see one way or the other.” Twilight sighed and curled a lock of my hair.

“Talk to her and I’m sure she’ll listen. I doubt she would have made either of you two royalty if she didn’t respect you at some level.” Crimson reasoned.

“You’re right. I’ll see if I can get Noir to watch over Max for a little bit and we’ll head to Canterlot and see what’s going on sooner rather than later.” Twilight announced.

“Then we have a plan. I think it would be for the best if you got a move on that before Max deteriorates any further.” Crimson said.

Twilight patted my shoulder gently. “Did you hear that, Max? Do you want to go to Canterlot now, or do you want to wait a little while?”

“The choice is yours.” I replied.

“... So we’re going now.” Twilight patted my arm a couple more times and I sat up so she could stand. When she got to her hooves, she offered me a hand to get me to my feet. “Alright, do you need anything before we leave?” She asked.

Iron, Swift, and Starshine shook their heads while Crimson said, “Be safe and take care of him, Twilight.”

“I will. Take care, everyone.” Twilight grabbed my hand.

In a flash, we were standing in her old room in the castle, though now it had been fully converted into Noir’s room, complete with dark blue and black tapestries hanging from the peaked ceiling. Twilight wrote out a quick note and a few minutes later, Noir came in through Twilight’s shadow. After a quick hug, Noir came over to me and held my face to her bosom for a few moments before looking at me sadly.

“Maximus…” She said gently.

I didn’t have anything to say to that.

Noir embraced me again. “Twilight, go have your talk with Celestia. I will happily watch over Maximus for however long you need.”

“Thanks, Noir. I’ll try to make it quick-”

“No, feel free to take your time. I am sure that Max would prefer your company, but perhaps there is something I could offer him that you could not?” You don’t seem too sure about that.

“... I guess you might be right. Still, I think having both of us around would be better than just one of us.”

“Then come to Canterlot for Max’s healing.” Noir suggested. “It may be more helpful if we have more people that know his struggle, and we both know that Celestia and Luna have caring sides. Don’t feel as though you are the only one who is responsible for assisting Max, Twilight. It will not end well if you try to handle this tragedy by yourself.”

Twilight took a breath and let it out. “I don’t need a break, Noir.”

“Not right now, but you may in the coming days. We support both of you, Twilight Sparkle, not just Maximus.”

“Thank you, but I think Max needs more help than I do.” She replied evenly.

“And so we will help him.”

Twilight didn’t say anything, but I did hear her leave the room. Noir lead me over to a sofa on the edge of the room and had me sit down in her lap like I was a child, but I didn’t care about the indignity or the implications of the act. I just knew that Noir’s chest made a great place to lay by head and her warm embrace was only second to Twilight’s in the way it made me feel safe from the storm inside my heart. My mentor started singing a peaceful lullaby in Alicin that made my heart throb a little less painfully, though it didn’t take it all away like I wished it would. However, the pain felt more manageable, though the emptiness settled in soon after. I preffered feeling nothing to what I had been, so I dealt with it as I could and let the time pass as it pleased.

Noir eventually stopped singing and held me a bit tighter. “Maximus?”

I didn’t answer.

“... There was once a time where I invaded a small country south of where the Everfree now lies. They had been threatening my lands for years, but could never assert any form of dominance over our neutral territory, so they could never make their way into my queendom. During the first few raids of their towns, I slashed and burned their crops, laid waste to their livestock, and slaughtered their people indiscriminately. For the first year of the conflict, I never saw so much as a hide or hair of a child in the midst of battle, but every time I went-”

“I don’t want to hear this, Noir.” I said quietly.

She carried on. “There were always charred remains in some of the buildings I burned. Not every building held them, but there were always a few after every battle. Most of the cadavers left behind were indistinguishable from one another since they’d huddled together in their last moments, but I knew that innocent civilians were dying in the war.” Noir sighed. “They always do. However, when I made the final press into the country I was invading, much of their fighting force had been slayed in previous battles, many by my own hand. That final battle, Maximus, was primarily against children and elders.”

I closed my eyes, shutting them as if I could block out her words through sheer effort alone.

Noir sighed again. “It wasn’t even a fight. Their final force was massacred like so many fish to a net, but they wouldn’t surrender, no matter how many of their people paid their lives to the edge of a blade. I slayed many people that hadn't had a chance to see the world, Maximus. I doubted that many of them had ever known a man or a woman, or that they’d experienced love, or had been anywhere other than their tiny towns before the war… It wasn’t a war worth fighting to that extent, but it was one I had to win.”

I curled up a little more and Noir stroked my arm. “Do not let your sins weigh you down, Maximus.” She said kindly.

I didn’t respond.

We sat while Noir hummed an endless tune until Twilight returned, and when she did, she came and sat next to my mentor and laid her head on her shoulder. We didn’t speak for a little while, though I knew Twilight’s talk with Celestia had gone well enough for her to not be worried about pushing me too far. I could sense that Twilight was still worried, but there was little I could do about it at the moment, so I tried to go back to sleep, but Noir picked me up and escorted Twilight and I to her bed. I laid in the middle with Noir on my left and Twilight on my right. My lover laid her head on my chest and Noir rolled onto her side so she could play with my hair for a little while, and while that was happening, I eventually fell asleep again.

When I woke up, the sky was dark and I was still feeling worn out. Noir was gone, though I could hear Twilight’s soft breathing and felt the weight of her head on my arm. Apparently we’d changed positions slightly while I’d been asleep, but all I wanted to do was get up and use the restroom, so that’s what I did. After levitating Twilight off of me and setting her down gently, I made my way over to the loo, took care of business, and went back to bed. Sleep welcomed me within moments of me laying down next to Twilight again, but I woke up in the dreamscape out of nowhere. I didn’t make a habit of visiting it as often as I used to, but I didn’t have much to do anyway, so I sought out Twilight’s dream, but before I could breach the door, I decided against it. I didn’t want to bother her any more than I already had since I thought that dealing with me as I was most likely wasn’t going to be her idea of fun. However, I couldn’t stop myself from peeking in to see what she was doing.

Twilight turned out to be doing extremely complex math problems on a giant black board with a piece of chalk the size of a shoot of bamboo in her hand that seemed to stretch out behind her for meters. Her calculations were actually tidy, which was strange since her normal handwriting is simply atrocious, but I didn’t dwell on it for too long since I figured that she would prefer to be left alone. I can’t say I was surprised when Twilight turned around abruptly and waved me in, but I had been hoping to leave her alone for a little while so she could have a break. It just wasn’t in the cards for me.

I entered Twilight’s dream and tried to put some emotion into my face, but I’m sure that was less calming and more worrying. Still, Twilight put her impossibly long piece of chalk down and climbed down the ladder she’d been using to write her equation to come up and give me a hug. I held her for a few moments and let go, giving her what I hoped was a smile.

Twilight winced. “Was that supposed to be a grin?”

“It was. I’m guessing it’s not working.”

“It really isn’t. Just try curling your lips a little.” Twilight said encouragingly.

I tried a more muted smile and she beamed in return. “There we go! Baby steps, Max.”

I nodded. “So what theorem were you working on?”

“I was playing The Liar’s Guessing Game by myself a few times. I would ask you if you want to play, but…”

My mind flooded with the equation and a decent understanding of it. “... I could give it a shot.” I offered.

Twilight blinked. “I thought math was your least favourite thing to learn about.”

“Well, I like you and you like maths.” I conjured up a ghost of a smile. “That, and I think I know how to do it.”

Twilight beamed and gave me a kiss. “Then let’s give it a shot, yeah?”

“That’s my thing.” I said blankly.

Twilight grinned coquettishly, which came off as more goofy than enticing. They’re one in the same with Twilight most days, to be fair. “Oh? You wouldn’t mind if I borrowed your thing for a little while, would you?”

I tilted my head at her. “I don’t mean to offend, but how could you possibly be in the mood?”

She held my hands. “Well, a little meaningful sex in the dream world is harmless, right? I think it might do you a little good.”

The ridiculousness of the suggestion made me chuckle. “I love you, Twilight.”

She gave me a relieved smile. “That’s all I really wanted. Even if your heart isn’t really behind it, I just wanted to hear you do something other than cry.”

“I’ll try my best to get over this as soon as I can-”

Her hands moved to my chest. “No, I want you to take this slow, seal up all the cracks instead of rushing things. I need you whole, not glued back together just well enough to get you through whatever duties you feel like you have to fulfill.”

I squeezed her hands. “Then we’ll work on it as it comes.”

Twilight kissed me again. “Exactly! Now come on, we have a game to play!”

Needless to say, I regretted my decision quickly enough to be worried about playing any other maths related games with Twilight, but after we finished with The Liar’s Guessing Game, we moved onto chess, and after that, we played a round of billiards since I was pretty adept at bringing things into the dreamscape. Two of those three game were fun and I lost completely at chess and the maths game, but Twilight may or may not have let me win billiards, which I appreciated. Of course I didn’t feel like doing any of those things, but I figured that keeping my hands and mind focused on something else would do me more good than not. My Seals flared up halfway through the game of pool and Twilight made me get rid of them since I’d practically lost the use of my arm while they’d activated, and for a few minutes afterwards, I could barely twitch my fingers. Shit hurt.

Twilight eventually woke up from her sleep which kicked me out of the dreamscape as well since I was in her mind at the time. Noir was nearby when we raised our heads from the bed, though she was changing clothes. Twilight covered my eyes and I let her since I had no reason not to. It wasn’t like I hadn’t seen Noir naked before or that I was looking for something to get my jollies, so I relaxed and laid back down, cuddling up next to Twilight. Noir apologized for her state of undress, but she’d assumed that we would be asleep for awhile longer, though Twilight told her that it was fine in any case. My mentor suggested that we prepare for the morning and head down to breakfast, so Twilight dragged me out of bed, which was a little harder than I would have liked it to be. Noir’s bed was pleasantly firm and I was coming close to actually enjoying it, but people like me don’t deserve nice things, so I left without too much prodding and stole some clothes from my closet to wear. I didn’t want to stick myself in a suit, but I was supposed to be a Prince or something.

Thankfully, Twilight and Noir vetoed the suit the second I brought it into the room and asked me to just wear one of my normal button downs or long sleeved shirts. I settled on a button down since I wanted to wear something blue and Twilight teleported a matching outfit into her hands, and thus we were off to Noir’s shower. I washed Twilight’s back dutifully and she washed mine, though her hands wandered to my chest a few times. I didn’t mind, so I let her explore a little bit, though she kept her hands to the easily visible areas.

When we were finished, Noir was gone, so Twilight and I walked down to breakfast and talked about her conversation with Celestia the night before. I wouldn’t have said anything or asked about it since she didn’t offer any information up front, but I knew that a silent walk would be a little awkward, even if we were perfectly attuned to each other. All in all, Celestia had told Twilight that she was shocked that I’d handled Esteril the way I had, but had told her that she was thinking of doing something similar since it was the single largest producer of Manganese Salts that came into Equestria. The only problem was that Corona Rey hadn’t wanted to owe her anything and refused to let Celestia herself do it, so I suppose we lucked out with me killing him. The Solar Diarch also weighed in on Sabio’s taking over of the throne and said that it was a positive. I didn’t doubt that she’d been whispering in his ear ever since he was a child, but then again it could have been paranoia.

Twilight also told me that Celestia was ambivalent about me killing Corona Rey since he’d been dragging his feet with a lot of politics involving Equestria and hoped that Sabio would pick up the slack. In fact, there had already been word from the ambassador in Mexicolt that things were looking up for our relations, so I felt a little less terrible about my second regicide. Only a little.

The walk to the Dining Hall was longer than our conversation, but at least we had talked for a lot of it. I didn’t feel the companionable silence I’d once felt, though I could feel something while I was holding Twilight’s hand. It was nice being next to her, so when we entered the Dining Hall and took our seats at the table, we stayed next to each other and switched sides so we could eat with our dominant hands. Celestia and Luna stayed silent and Noir was eating, so I looked for something that might pique my interest. Nothing looked appetizing, so I just grabbed an apple, sliced it thinly, and ate it like that. My stomach told me to stop when I was halfway through, so I listened to it because I really wasn’t trying to be ill again.

Celestia took notice. “I see you’re not feeling terribly hungry today, Max.”

I shrugged. “Nothing seems to be sitting well with me.”

“I could have some tea made if you like. Something to soothe your stomach.” She offered.

“Yeah, let’s try that.” Not that it’s going to work.

Luna scoffed. “What Max needs isn’t tea. It’s a bottle of something brown and strong.”

“Whiskey does not solve all problems, sister.” Celestia chastised.

Noir bobbed her head from side to side. “It does solve many problems, though I believe that a full bottle would do Max no favours.”

Twilight made a disapproving noise. “If Max drinks when he’s not in a good mood, things get bad quickly. I say we skip that idea.”

Luna rolled her eyes. “Why not let the man speak for himself? You act as if you are his mother-”

“Oi.” I said softly.

Luna turned her gaze to me. “Yes?”

“Twilight’s just looking out for me. Lay off.”

She puckered her lips. “As you say.”

Twilight gave me a small smile. “Everyone’s just trying to help, Max. We all have different ideas of what will work best for you.”

I nodded. “Alcohol’s off the table. You were right when you said that things get bad when I start drinking.”

Celestia made a noise with her throat. “Perhaps some of those confections you made for the Equestria Games would help?”

“If I have trouble sleeping, I’ll smoke. So far it hasn’t been a problem.” I replied.

“For the time being, I will do my best to keep your nightmares at bay, though you may end up walking the dreamscape most nights.” Luna said kindly.

“That’s fine. Is there any coffee?” I asked.

Four different kinds of Magic picked up the pot on the table and brought it over to me. “...Thanks?”

“No problem.” Twilight said.

Luna said, “It was a trivial matter.” at the same time.

“It was no issue.” Celestia spoke.

“Think nothing of it.” Noir replied simultaneously.

They all looked at each other and had a chuckle about their eagerness to lend me a hand. It made me smile, which was worth a lot to me. Then again, it could have been the prospect of having caffeine for the first time in weeks. I think it was them, so I’m going to stick with that story until another one pops up that sounds plausible. I poured myself a cup and sipped on the familiar bitterness and felt myself perk up immediately, but it was too hot to enjoy as it was, so I added a little cream and continued onward with my day.

I ended up finishing that apple, thought I did so rather slowly, though the most important part of breakfast was that it had been agreed that I would stay in Canterlot for a few days and would head back to Ponyville once I was feeling like I could manage it. I didn’t feel any particular way about that, but I was glad that I wouldn’t have to deal with anyone that would constantly ask about how I was doing, or what I was going through. Surely Celestia and Luna would leave me alone for the most part unless I needed something from one of them, but I felt like Twilight and Noir had me covered for most of my recovery needs, whatever they may be. To be honest, I didn't’ feel like I deserved to feel anything other than shame or guilt, but… Well, Twilight. I know for a fact that Twilight isn’t going to leave me, no matter what horrendous acts I commit, no matter what trials I go through or put myself through, so it feels like a massive injustice to her and the love she holds for me if I allow myself to rot away. It’s not that I want to heal for me, it’s that Twilight deserves better than me, and the drive to be better for her has yet to give in. It might be buried under the utter disgrace I’ve brought upon myself, but it’s still there, burning as hot as it always has.

I think the Covenant might have something to do with it, but no one has any solid information on it in any way shape or form since it’s such a rarity. Not even Celestia or Luna themselves know much about it since they’ve never experienced it for themselves, and apparently there’s nothing that causes it per se: it’s just a natural connection that brings two people closer together than any other known means. I’ve given it some real thought to be honest, but whenever I delve deeper into how I personally feel about it, the only thing I can think of is my connection to Noir and how one sided, yet similar it was. I do know, however, that I’m closer to Twilight than to Noir since I literally can’t hide anything from her, no matter how much I try. I also love her unconditionally, but I’ve grown to love Noir as well, though it’s obvious to me which outweighs the other.

When I really think about it, the Covenant is probably the only reason I’m not roaringly drunk right now or comatose. Disappointing Twilight any further scares me, though I know she’s not disappointed in me or even terribly. She IS shocked and appalled, but she sees my remorse for what it is and happens to be vibing off of my emotional state, so I really do need to get my arse into gear with recovery before I end up dragging her down with me. It’s not like it’s easy to force myself to try and smile or to get up when I sit or lay down. Hell, I don’t want to do anything other than lay down and let myself freeze in time so I don’t hurt anyone else, but giving up would hurt Twilight, and if I can avoid that, I’ll do so by any means possible.

As it is now, I don’t really want to dwell on feelings anymore. I didn’t end up doing much with the rest of my day other than playing board games with Twilight that were remarkably similar to a few from the human world like ‘Excuse Me’ (Sorry) and ‘King of the Castle’ (Monopoly). Other than that, Twilight made me stay busy and made it so that we didn’t stay inactive for long. I might try to convince her to let me do some woodworking tomorrow since that always clears my mind, but I don’t know if she’ll let me do any whittling since there is now a sharp object rule in play. Having the knowledge that I could break it at any point in time makes the rule more bearable, but then again, Twilight asked me to promise her that I wouldn’t knowingly violate it, and since it was a reasonable request, I did.

Besides writing next to Twilight in the room we were given for our stay in the Castle, Nothing is planned (to my knowledge) and it seems like I’ll just be focusing on getting my head on straight for the time being. Personally, I think I’m already doing better than I could be due to the advent of Twilight’s presence, but I there isn’t a doubt in anyone’s mind that I could be doing better.

Twilight asked me why I just sighed and I explained that I don’t know how anyone expects me to forgive myself. There’s always going to be that niggling reminder in the back of my mind that tells me that I could have saved those children from their fates, that they didn’t have to die that day… It’s hard. It’s a hard thing to live with. I get that there’s no magical cure other than straight up deleting the memories, but if I don’t remember exactly what happened, who will? Who even gives a damn about the lives lost in Esteril besides me?

Fuck, I’m thinking again. It’s time to sleep.

Author's Note

I honestly thought that Esteril and the events there took longer than they did. Turned out to be a bit shorter than I anticipated, but all's well that ends well, I suppose.

As Always, Stay Cool, Kids

Chapter Fifty-Two: Distant Memories
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Fifty-Two: Distant Memories

Chapter Fifty-Two: Distant Memories

Three days have passed since my last journal entry, though that’s because I convinced Twilight that writing about the same events over and over again would be redundant and more than a little tiresome. She still wants me to write down what happened in the last three days, but I haven’t made a single step as far as my recovery goes. I’m still eating a single piece of fruit every few hours since I can’t hold anything down, there’s still no inflection or intonation in my voice, and every time I look in the mirror, I want to punch the guy in front of me. Honestly, if I never had to look at myself again, I might be a little happier, but fucking mirrors, pools of water, and glass in general all exist for the sole purpose of teasing my hands. It’s to the point that even catching glimpses of myself fills me with a fury that doesn’t fucking help anything.

It’s not like I was expecting to get better in a few days or anything, or that I wasn’t aware that there were going to be bumps in the road, but just keeping my hands and mind busy hasn’t done a damned thing to help me so far. I know Twilight’s sensing my misdirected frustration from our connection and Noir’s been talking me down from the homicidal/suicidal thoughts that have been rearing their ugly heads as often as she can, but they truly do come from the slightest, littlest perceived affront or snub. I’ve gone off on two of the Castle’s staff members for doing little other than asking me if I wanted something one too many times. My moods have been getting unpredictable at best and at worst, I’m like a fucking block of sodium sitting on a shitty raft in the middle of the ocean during a storm. Twilight’s been helping with the volatility by keeping me placated with kisses and gentle admonitions when I get out of hand, but the incidents are becoming more frequent and there’s little I can do about them since…

I fucking hate to admit it, but I don’t feel like me anymore. I feel like a monster in a stranger’s body, a ghost in a shell. Celestia, Luna, and Noir have all been assuring me that they’ve all gone through similar stints of bipolar behavior after certain triggers that left them emotional messes, but none of them would ever give me a straight answer when I asked how long it took for their mood swings to pass. The most exact answer I got was ‘a good while’, but that could mean years when you’re talking to beings that are multiple millennia old. When I get lovely answers like that, it’s hard not to tell the people giving those answers to either go fuck themselves or kill themselves on the spot. I’m ashamed to admit it, but Noir and Celestia have both seen me lose my mind completely in the last few days when I was alone with them, and it hurts to know that I can’t even control it.

Today’s just been a bad day all ‘round. I came close to snapping at Twilight when she lost a bit of her patience with me when I yelled at a maid for accidentally asking me what I wanted to drink twice at breakfast, though it may have just been the fact that everyone else’s cups were empty and I’d yet to touch mine. Still, I’ve heard whispers about me in the halls when people think no one’s listening in. I’ve been compared to Blueblood and the only saving graces I’ve received so far are that I apologize when I’ve lost my steam and that I’m not an arrogant prick. I feel that I should mention that those apologies mean little when the person you’re shouting at is in tears by the time you’re done, but you have to understand. It’s like having tunnel vision that’s only used for rage that comes on whenever the fuck it feels like. You can’t snap out of it, you can’t calm yourself before you go off, and there usually aren’t warning signs to signal when you need some alone time. That in itself is a Hell all its own, knowing that you can’t be around people without walking on eggshells for their safety more so than yours.

Enough about me bitching about how my life sucks. I have good things to look at, so I’m going to write them down before I put myself in a mood again. I have Twilight, who has left my side exactly fifteen times in the past three days to use the restroom alone, and three more times due to me sending her off so she doesn’t get poisoned by my toxic aura. I’ve noticed that she’s been getting a little less cheerful in the past few days, and I know that the cause has to be me, thus I ask her to go take a walk or something while I ‘talk’ to one of the other three resident Alicorns.

Speaking of them, Celestia has been quite supportive with my recovery so far. She’s been tolerant of my moods and has said that I shouldn’t worry about her reprimanding me until I actually lash out and hurt something other than someone’s feelings. At that point, she’ll restrict my access to the more public parts of the Castle, though I’ll probably be spending more of my time in the Castle Gardens since they’re so pleasant. That’s actually where Celestia and I met the other day, and though I’ve officially tainted the area with some undue verbal abuse, I still want to go back so I can get out of the stone walls for a little bit.

Luna has been helpful in her own way. The other morning when Twilight woke up and looked like she needed a good break from my bullshit, I went to Luna and she lead me through some exercises and let me beat on a few training dummies. I actually broke two of the training swords since I’d gotten so caught up in venting my frustrations, but I’ve been assured that they’re a bit a dozen. Twilight’s advised me against hitting things to feel better, so I might not be doing much of that any time soon.

Noir took a turn with me the other day and we met in her room right after I shouted down a Day Guard for barring me access into her room. She actually saved that guy from a severe arse-whooping since he’d been adamant about not letting me into her room and I’d been too caught up in blind fury to remember that I could just teleport myself in if I really wanted to. Sadly, that meant she caught the brunt of my tirade since she’d interrupted in the middle of things, but Noir had more than enough patience to let me wear myself out before trying to talk to me.

All in all, I’ve got a roof over my head, good food to be placed on my plate whenever I feel like I can actually hold it down, and three people who are more than friends to help me through my tribulations. That’s not even mentioning the fact that Twilight’s been putting up with me ever since we met up again in Gryphonia, so I really do need to get my shit together before I end up distancing myself from her.

Anyway, after breakfast, Twilight asked that I show her how to make things from wood, though I was a little hesitant to do so since she was kinda accident prone, but I acquiesced without many protests since she was taking an interest in something I liked to do. On the way to the Gardens, Twilight asked me how I was feeling at the moment and I told her that I was feeling like I was on the level for the time being. She held my hand as we walked after that and I felt a little better about the day, though I was still upset with myself for going off on that innocent maid for no real reason.

When we arrived in the Gardens, I used my True Theft to grab some of my tools from my shed and showed Twilight what they were for on a block of soft wood that wouldn’t take too long to work with. She picked it up pretty quickly and without too many issues. I got one for Twilight to work with and she asked what she should make, so I suggested that she start with a simple bird or something so I could keep pace with her and show her what was going on with the whole woodworking thing.

Twilight and I quickly fell into a rhythm and moved in sync like we’d been practicing it all along so we could show it off. Stroke for stroke with our rasps, we started forming our birds and in the end, they actually looked quite different. Twilight had stopped before I did since she was proud of the rough shape she’d made and wanted to sand it down before she ruined it and I wanted to add some more detail, so we diverted paths and I showed Twilight how to work a piece of sandpaper so she could get the most of it. While I was adding feathers to my bird’s wings, Twilight finished up and I gave her piece a look. It had actually turned out quite nicely for a first sculpture and I told her as much before asking if she wanted to give it legs since we’d only formed the body. She was, of course, confused about how we planned on doing so until I told her that we were going to find a few suitable branch around the gardens to use.

She was still confused, but still followed me around as we went from tree to tree, looking for two perfect branches to use as her bird’s walking sticks. After a good while, we found a couple that were about the same width as my crank drill, so I grabbed my garden shears from my tool shed and clipped them, though I would have preferred to so with a knife. Sadly, that ‘no sharp object’ rule was being enforced heavily for the duration of my mood swings, so I had to make due with having literally every other kind of tool at my disposal.

I showed Twilight how to use the drill and she nearly made a mess of it rather quickly. I told her to start slower and to keep the pressure as consistent as she could and she off and started using magic. I gave her a look for doing what she did and she just gave me the most innocent smile that told me she thought she’d probably just figured that it was no problem. I didn’t say anything to it, but Twilight picked up on my feelings on the matter quickly enough.

“Max, do you have a problem with me using Magic for this?” She asked.

“Not really, it’s just that I feel like woodworking is so much more personal when you use your hands to do it.” I replied evenly.

“Magic is personal too! Everyone’s Magic is a little different. If somepony else were to try using your drill and talking at the same time, your average person would mess it up pretty bad. That is, if they could even operate the drill thingy with Magic in the first place.”

I nodded. “Right. I get what you’re saying.”

“... So do you want me to start using my hands again?” Twilight asked tentatively.

“It’s hard to get a hole started, but it’s easier to keep going once you’ve got it made.” I looked at her. “Either way you want to go, just be sure not to drill too deep.”

Twilight sighed and her aura faded. “Just when I thought I was in the clear.” She muttered.

“You ARE in the clear.” I said a bit hotly.

Twilight cast a glance at me. “How about we take a break for a kiss or two? I wouldn’t mind loaning you a couple to be paid back later.”

Shit, you saw it before I did. “Yeah, I like the sound of that. Can we add compound interest?”

Twilight beamed. “I don’t know if you’re ready for that. I’ll be sure to keep track of it, you know.”

“Please do. I like paying my debts, one way or the other.” I gave Twilight my equivalent of a smile.

She gave me a warm one in turn and cleaned up the mess of sawdust and wood shavings we’d made shortly before scooting across the bench we were sitting on to kiss my cheek. “You should know better than to say that. There are no debts between us, Amour.”

“And yet I feel like I owe you for the past few days.” I took her hand in mine. “I know I’ve been…”

“Difficult?” Twilight suggested. Understatement of the year.

“A lot more than that, but it fits. I’m sorry I’ve been so difficult, but…” I sighed.

She squeezed my hand and kissed my cheek again. “You have to get worse before you get better, Max. That’s what Celestia and Noir keep telling me, and I like to think that they’re right.”

“If being a complete arse all the time means getting better, then I’m not so sure that I should. I mean, I made that woman cry at breakfast and all she asked was what I wanted.”

Twilight removed her hand from mine and rubbed my back. “Nopony deserves to be left bereft of their heart, Max. Even if you did something terrible, you deserve something good.”

I gave her an odd look. “Did you just say ‘nopony’?”

She blushed. “It was a slip of the tongue.”

“I could always slip you my tongue.” I said automatically.

Her brows raised and a little smile played on her lips. “Could you now?”

“Come a little closer and I’ll show you how I make the ‘L’ sound.” I said cheekily.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Are you going to lick my tongue?”

“If you let me, I most definitely will.”

Twilight kissed me and I licked her lips, making her smile again as she wiped them off. “You missed.”

“Maybe I wanted to see if your lips tasted like sugar.” I replied flatly.

“Do they?”

“I’m going to need another taste to tell properly. They’re sweet, and that’s all I can say for now.”

She rolled her eyes again and we did a little snogging in the bright summer day. Thankfully, it wasn’t terribly hot, though it was still quite warm out. Either way, I got to kiss Twilight until we were interrupted by a younger butler that asked me specifically to come to the Reception Hall, the place where meetings are held with dignitaries and the like. He didn’t say who had come to call, but I was still required to go and that annoyed me a little bit. Twilight was supposed to stay behind since she wasn’t needed, but I was vehement about bringing her along and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Twilight was loathe to leave my side as well, so we sent the butler back to ask if she could be with me.

The fellow came back after a while and said that only my presence had been requested and that I was to go alone to meet with Celestia, Noir, and the visiting Queen, but I refused to go unless Twilight was invited along. She said that she would walk me there, and that if I was with Celestia and Noir, they would most likely have me covered for all intents and purposes. I didn’t want to leave my love, however, so I just teleported us into the Reception Hall because I’m an arse and it’s my way or the highway.

I looked around for a moment and saw Noir and Celestia sitting on one side of the table while Elfriede was sitting on the other. The Gryphon raised a brow and looked at me coolly. “I see you’ve decided to ignore my request to come alone.”

“I did.” I replied elegantly.

“If it’s a problem, I can leave.” Twilight said anxiously.

I shook my head. “If you leave, I leave.”

“An ultimatum already? How quaint.” Elfriede said blandly.

I took Twilight’s hand and lead her to the table, sitting next to Noir while Twilight had an empty seat to her side. “It’s not an ultimatum. It’s just that I’m not in the best condition to be doing things without Twilight by my side ride now.”

Elfriede looked at me intently. “Princess Celestia has hinted that you are quite incapable of negotiating and will be for the foreseeable future. I, however, refuse to believe that you are a lesser man who would let something trivial get in the way of politics.”

“I never cared much for politics anyway.” I replied flatly.

“Max, we need you to negotiate today. I know I said you wouldn’t have to do any business for awhile, but Elfriede prefers to parlay with you.” Celestia said.

I snapped my finger under the table and I could feel Twilight’s disappointment. “Then let’s make this quick so I can return to what I was doing.”

Elfriede barked out a laugh. “You think this is going to be a simple arrangement?”

“I am allowed to hope, am I not?” I asked.

She scowled. “I don’t like your tone.”

“I apologize for it, in that case. There is little I can do about it, however.”

She tapped her talons on the table. “It’s obvious that something is wrong with you.”

“That’s why I’m here in Canterlot in the first place. I was in Otterwa briefly, but it was decided that my mental condition was unsuitable for negotiations of any kind.”

Elfriede scowled and I snapped my fingers again, heading back into Person Mode. “It was for the best, in my opinion-”

“I don’t care what petty reasons you have for not showing up in my court at the allotted time, you fool. Gryphonia and Equestria are supposed to be allies, aren’t we?” Elfriede interrupted.

“We are.” I replied.

“Then why did you only send me a feather-plucking letter to let me know that you weren’t coming? You didn’t even write it yourself!”

“Because genocide tends to fuck with people’s heads, especially if you’re the one committing it.” I snapped.

Elfriede blinked. “You committed genocide?”

“Yes, I did.”

“And that’s why you’re mentally unstable?” She asked in disbelief. “Would you care to grow a pair, or would you like to continue being a mouse of a man?”

My breath caught. “I’d think carefully about your next words, Elfriede.”

“Tch. You’re a Prince, you fool! Genocide is a part of your job, whether you like it or not!” Elfride spat.

I bristled. “You’ve never laid waste to thousands of lives with your own fucking hand you feathered cunt! Don’t you fucking dare presume that anything you’ve done compares to what I have!”

She held her head high and glared at me. “By my own hand, I have sent hundreds to die, so don’t you think for a moment-”

“You. Didn’t. Kill. Them.” I seethed. “How many children have died by your hand, Elfriede? How many innocent souls have you rended from flesh for the sake of an alliance for a fucking war you don’t want a hand in anyway? How many people have you even sunk a blade in yourself, because when I look at you, I don’t see a murderer. I see a Queen who might have dirt on her hands, but I don't smell the stale stench of blood.”

The plumage around her neck ruffled. “Who are you to make assumptions about me!?”

“I’m the fucker who can literally rip your soul from your body, that’s fucking who.”

Elfriede slammed her fists on the table. “Mark my words, Maximus; you do not want me as an enemy.”

“Who’s more dangerous? The Queen with an army or the guy who can kill them all single handedly?” I hissed.

“Max…” Twilight laid her hand on my arm. “Maybe you should take a breather?”

Elfriede scoffed. “He doesn't need one. This is the voice of a warrior! Not-so-idle threats, the touch of unbridled rage! Maximus needs to speak his mind!”

My lip curled. “My mind is telling me to throw you back to your castle, Elfriede.”

She smirked at me. “While I miss the snark, I’m liking the hostility. Perhaps I really should give you a try, even if your crazy penis would split me in half.”

Twilight lit up bright red. “He’s mine, Elfriede.”

Elfriede raised a brow. “And? I’m sure you could bear to share once or twice.” Piss her off and it's over, bitch.

Twilight levelled a glare at her. “I’ll teleport you to the bottom of the ocean if you touch my Amour.” Atta girl!

Elfriede smirked at her too. “See, Celestia? This is the fire of the new generation. You’ve got a pair of young warriors ready for The War already.”

Celestia shook her head. “At this rate, neither of them will be fighting in it. Twilight is supposed to help handle administrative duties and Maximus was supposed to lead certain missions, but it would seem as though he won’t be able to handle it in the near future.”

“I can ‘handle’ whatever I need to handle.” I said hotly.

She looked at me briefly. “When your mind is whole once more, we shall see.”

I took a deep breath and let it out. “As you say.”

Twilight held my hand and addressed Elfriede. “We should get back on track. What are your terms for assisting Equestria during The War?”

Elfriede raised a brow. “Gryphonia will be fighting for it’s own people. We will be allies and we will coordinate our movements, but the individual battles will be fought separately. This way, no one nation’s force will be subject to the frontline treatment.”

I nodded. “Sounds like a good compromise, though it would be better if we participated in the same battles. Equestria or Gryphonia takes the frontal assault route and then one or the other attacks the enemy from behind, the side, or above to wipe them out. Gryphon's are all flyers, so it would make sense to have them do the phalanx strikes.”

I earned myself a few stares, but Noir backed me up. “He is right. Having Gryphons assault the enemy from the air would be a wise maneuver, given that most armies would be wary of firing straight upwards.”

Elfriede tapped her beak. “Having your Pegasi make clouds so my forces could use them as cover would be an interesting move as well, especially if they were made of Cloudcrete.”

I furrowed my brows. “Cloudcrete?”

Twilight answered. “It’s a construction material made of clouds. It’s comparable to concrete with how hard it is, but it’s lighter than air.”

“Oh. Then why not make a few sky fortresses and keep our flyers there so we can have a mobile strike force that go be anywhere we need them to?” I asked.

Celestia hummed. “That’s actually not a bad idea.”

Noir nodded. “It is a good idea indeed. Why we did not think of it before, I do not know.”

Elfriede tapped her beak again. “Perhaps we should have Maximus weigh in on some of the war tactics since he seems to have such good ideas.”

“When things come up I’ll give you my opinion and ideas, but until then I just want to be left alone for a little while.” I responded.

Elfriede gave me a look. “Royalty doesn’t just get ‘left alone’. You accepted the responsibility of being a Prince, and so you must deal with the consequences.”

Twilight frowned. “Max never wanted to be a Prince in the first place. It’s not like he jumped at the opportunity.”

Celestia blushed lightly and averted her gaze. “I believe Max deserves a little leeway. It’s not like he became a Prince because he desired it in the slightest.”

Elfriede scoffed. “I didn’t want to become a Queen either, but someone had to go and kill my husband.” She shot me a dirty look.

“I could’ve left him alive to beat you whenever he felt like it.” I snarled.

She looked away. “... That’s neither here nor there.”

“That’s what I thought.” I folded my arms.

Twilight jabbed me in the side and gave me a cross look. “That was completely unnecessary.” She whispered harshly.

I looked at the table and didn't say anything, so Celestia picked up the conversation. “How about we have lunch and put these words behind us for the time being?”

Elfriede grimaced. “I cannot eat most of your Pony food, you know.”

I raised a hand. “I have some cured meat at home that I would be willing to share.”

“Interesting. I forgot that you weren’t an herbivore like the Ponies.”

“Just because I spend a lot of time around them doesn’t mean I’m one of them. Race wise, that is.” I reminded.

“You know, you could have your fill of delicious meats if you were to come to Gryphonia for a while.” Elfriede said casually.

“I would request that I be allowed to bring the tall blue one over there along with me.” I pointed at Noir.

Elfriede looked at her. “I thought most Ponies found eating meat to be distasteful at best?”

Noir hooked a finger into her mouth and pulled her upper lip back to show Elfriede her chiseled canine teeth. “I eat meat. It was a tradition long ago.”

Celestia shook her head. “One that fell out of style around the time I was born.”

Elfriede looked surprised. “Oh? So you’re not the oldest being in a room for once?”

Celestia nodded. “That’s correct. Noir predates me by at least two thousand years.”

Noir smiled smugly. “I am most likely one of the oldest beings on the planet.”

“Good going, granny.” I said blandly.

She stuck her tongue out at me and I nodded in her direction since I didn’t feel like trying to smile. Twilight patted my arm and said, “Would you mind letting me try some of your jerky? Ever since we had that thing happen, I’ve been wondering if it tasted any different.”

“Of course. I still have some of my favourite gator jerky left over.” I replied.

Elfriede made a face. “Reptiles are tough and chewy. I’m not fond.”

I raised a brow. “The chewing is the best part.”

“Not if you’re sane, it’s not.”

I shrugged. “I haven’t been sane since I arrived in Equestria.”

Elfriede clicked her beak. “I can’t help but wonder how life would have been for you if you were to have come to Gryphonia instead of Equestria. I don’t doubt that you could have put your thieving ways to good use to keep yourself fed, but I do doubt that you would have become royalty in my land. In fact, I think you may have gotten yourself killed long before you had the chance.”

“He doesn’t die easily.” Noir said factually. “Even if he was to be killed in Gryphonia, he would have survived, one way or the other.”

I nodded. “I’m not good at staying dead.”

Twilight sighed. “I really wish you wouldn’t say that like it’s a bad thing.”

I didn’t feel the need to comment on that.

Celestia coughed. “I believe Max would have adapted to his surroundings in any case, regardless of what country he ended up in. However, I think he would have thrived in Bridleland since he was born in a country analogous to it in the first place.”

Twilight shook her head. “I think Equestria was the best place for Max in any case. It might have been rough, but look how far he’s come! He’s given up being a thief-”

“For being a genocidal Prince.” Elfriede cut in sharply.

Twilight colored and I put a hand on her shoulder. “She’s not wrong, Twilight.”

She shook my hand off of her shoulder. “Regardless, there are more tactful ways to disagree with someone.”

Elfriede huffed. “There’s no need to put it any differently. If Max would have lived in Gryphonia, I believe he would still be a killer, but not to the extent he is now. If he would have went to one of the Briddish Islands, he most likely would have been fine, but no; he ended up in Equestria and now his mind is being torn apart more quickly that any of you probably would have ever anticipated.”

I looked at her and shook my head. “I would have sank in Gryphonia and probably would have come to Equestria for the promise of a peaceful life. I’m glad that I found myself in Ponyville, and I wouldn’t trade the life I have for anything, even if I hate it right now.”

Twilight stroked my arm. “Why is that?”

I gave her a look. “I have you. Nothing in this world is worth trading you for.”

She blushed and kissed me. “Thank you, Amour.”

“You’re welcome, Cherry.” I replied.

A brief look of longing passed on Elfriede’s face. “If you two could stop stroking each other’s egos while there are single women present, that would be wonderful.”

Twilight waved her aside and gave me another kiss. “It’s about time for another hair removal spell. You know I like your face nice and smooth.”

Elfriede groaned and I kept my eyes on Twilight. “Of course. However you want me is how you’ll have me.”

She gave me a pained little smile. “Hopefully you’ll keep that in mind when you go to yell at someone.”

I looked away. “I’ll try.”

Elfriede threw a wadded up piece of paper at us, but was looking at Celestia when we turned our eyes to her. “Can we break for lunch before these two make me physically sick?”

Celestia just gave her a wry smile. “You don’t like looking at true love between two young people?”

“I don’t like looking at the man who killed my husband being happier than I am.”

“He’s not.” Noir, Celestia, and Twilight chorused.

Elfriede raised her brows. “Besides the dead tone in his voice and the hostility, I don’t see what’s wrong with him.”

“Maybe if I defenestrate you, you’ll get the idea.” I said sharply.

She gave me an odd look. “I don’t believe I know what that word means.”

“He’s going to throw you out of a window.” Twilight clarified.

“Or through one.” Noir added.

Elfriede looked at me. “I can fly.”

“I never said I was doing it so you would fall to your death. It would just be for the pleasure of doing so.” I said.

She rolled her eyes. “It’s nice to know that you’re not fearful of violence.”

Celestia sighed. “I think it’s time for lunch.”

There were murmured agreements around the table and everyone rose to head to the Dining Hall. Elfriede had actually been to the Castle before sometime a few years ago, but didn’t remember anything about the layout, so she walked next to Celestia while Noir took the lead. Twilight and I brought up the rear and talked to each other during the walk. We could have teleported, but Elfriede was against it since Magic made her feel nauseous and that would defeat the whole purpose of breaking for lunch, so walk we did.

Lunch was good. I ate an orange because I could actually stomach it and even went for another half of one before I started feeling ill. When that happened, Twilight rubbed my back for a little while until it passed and I had a strawberry to go along with it. Nothing tasted good, but it was alright enough. Elfriede took notice of my lack of an actual appetite, but didn’t comment on it or anything, so I was in the clear for the time being. I ended up giving her a whole hunk of my cured meat and she said that it was tasty once she cut the salty layer off. I gave Noir and Twilight some jerky since they asked and both of them were fond of the flavour, so that was radical and all.

We reconvened to finish negotiations and that shit was boring. I bounced a few more suggestions around for how we could use Gryphons to supplement Equestrian forces and some of my ideas were already taken into consideration. It wasn’t like I had too few or too many to go around, so I tried to keep things on the sane side, but some of my more ‘out there’ suggestions like using Changelings and Gryphons to infiltrate enemy ranks got shot down. Sadly, it didn’t look like the Changelings were going to be joining the war efforts at the moment since Twilight still needed to hammer out the details, but Elfriede was pretty clear that she wanted nothing to do with them anyway. It wasn’t as though she hated them or even disliked them, she just didn’t trust anything that didn’t need to eat physical things to live. I could see where she was coming from on that front, to be fair. Then again, I never did trust something that bled for three to seven days and didn’t die.

God, that was sexist. Well, it’s not like I have to worry about Human women reading this, so I’m in the clear. Now I want to watch Twilight make me a sandwich. Fucking figures.

Getting back on track, Elfriede basically said that the Gryphons weren’t allying themselves with Changelings, but that they would still help Equestria regardless of whether or not we teamed up with the black bug people. I wasn’t exactly looking forward to it since they kinda creeped me out, but I figured that Chrysalis wasn’t going to be coming back to Canterlot any time soon, so that was nice and all.

Elfriede took her leave a few hours later, though she’d wanted to talk to me alone for a little bit. I refused her that little thing since I didn’t want to part with Twilight, even though I knew it was a pretty big snub. I told her that I would talk to her once I was stable, but until then, I wasn’t in any shape to be talking to anyone one-on-one unless they were stronger than me, and Elfriede just wasn’t. She didn’t take much offense to it given the reasoning that I might kill her if she said the wrong thing, so with that, I promised to keep in touch via letters and she accepted that without any issues. Noir offered to Shadow Dive her back to Otterwa since it wasn’t technically teleporting, though Elfriede was a little wary. When Noir returned from her quick trip, she said that Elfriede had done just fine and was ‘happily’ sitting on her throne when she left.

Twilight and I fucked off to go do something else for a little while, but the day was getting close to being over, so our options were limited. I was, however, getting rather tired since I didn’t have much in the way of calories to keep me going and I was sure that I’d already lost a kilo in the days since I’d been to Mexicolt, though it wasn’t like I could afford to lose the weight. I was still trying to work out in the mornings or at night, but I just didn’t have the energy to do more than fifty or so push-ups, and that bothered me quite a bit. I suppose I was spending most of my energy being irritable, but you might know how it goes. I hope you don’t if you’re one of the four people I would allow to read this, but if you’re a snooping little piece of shit, I hope you’re well acquainted with how I’m feeling right now and I also hope you die a painful death, but that’s beside the point. I swear to fucking God, if I catch you reading this collection in particular, there’s going to be no end to your suffering. I will steal Noir’s Dark Magic just to inflict a hundred years of suffering on you and you can be damn sure that I won’t give you the same kindness I extended to Graham. No, for violating the deepest parts of my mind, for reading through my suffering like it’s some fucking story for you to enjoy, I’ll find a way to make your pain so, so much worse. Believe me when I say that you’ll wish for death within minutes of catching my eye, you cock-sucking piece of filth.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

It’s been a week since I’ve last written and things are finally starting to look up. It’s easier for me to get out of bed (by a slight margin), I can eat a decently sized roll of bread on top of a whole potato, and I can actually bear being asked the same question more than once. I haven’t snapped at anyone in two days and I’ve even found the time to apologize to the people I’ve snapped at again. I think the main thing that’s been helping me get better is Twilight, but that’s not to say that there aren’t still things popping up from time to time. There are still periods throughout the day where I just go completely silent and I don’t even know why. I usually choose to be alone during those times, but all I do is stare at a wall until the odd feeling I get passes. It’s a strange occurrence that has lasted anywhere from fifteen minutes to an hour and a half that leaves me feeling like my mouth is a different thing entirely. I can’t really describe it, but I just can't talk and I don’t want to be around anyone, hence why I go off to be alone. Twilight was worried about me the first couple of times it happened, but there didn’t seem to be anything wrong in particular, so she gave and gives me my space until I’m ready to be in the midst of people once more.

All in all, I can’t really complain about the progress I’m making, even if the ‘sudden silence’ thing is a pretty noteworthy step back. Still, it’s better than snapping at people for no real reason, though I hope it doesn’t become a habit or anything. It’s not as worrisome as constantly being on a knife's edge with my mood, but it’s still something to try and break myself of as soon as possible.

Speaking of things and such, the girls actually came by to visit Twilight and some even came to see me, for what it’s worth. Twilight and I were doing some more woodworking in the Gardens when an older maid came to tell us that we had visitors, so we set our things aside for the time being, cleaned up our mess, and followed the maid to another room that didn’t have a name. When we arrived, the girls swarmed Twilight within moments of her entering the room since she’d come in first, but when I came in shortly afterwards, I got a double hug from Fluttershy and Pinkie. Rainbow gave me a fist bump and I got a nod from Applejack that I returned, but Rarity didn’t have anything for me other than a sideways glance that didn’t tell me much about how she was feeling about me.

“Girls! I’m so glad to see you all!” Twilight said happily when the hugs were done.

“We’re glad to see you guys too.” Fluttershy beamed. “We know you’ve been off doing your royal duties, but somepony didn’t even write us while they were gone.” She shot me a glare.

Twilight gave me a look. “Really, Max? You couldn’t take the time to write our friends?”

I looked at her calmly. “I wrote them for the first few days while I was still heading toward Mexicolt. After that, I didn’t feel like writing very much.”

She put a hand on my arm. “You can say that you stayed busy, Max. I don’t think anyone would take offense to that.”

I nodded and looked at each of the girls in turn. “When I arrived in Mexicolt, there was a lot for me to do. I ended up travelling a ways across the country to do something for the King and when that was over, I went to Gryphonia, collected Twilight, and came here.”

I was met with a few blank looks. “What did you do in Gryphonia?” Rarity asked.

“Nothing. I was there long enough to find a room in an inn and after that, I just came here. I didn’t stay long.” I replied.

Pinkie scratched her head. “Why would you go to Gryphonia if you weren’t going to do anything while you were there?”

“I was supposed to talk to Queen Elfriede, but I didn’t have it in me to do so after some things happened in Mexicolt. I don’t really want to talk about it.” I said.

“Well now I’m really interested! What happened in Mexicolt?” Rainbow asked.

“Nothing I’m proud of. Let’s leave it there.”

I exchanged a look with Pinkie and she wouldn’t meet my eyes, but she did say, “If Max doesn’t wanna talk about it, then we shouldn’t push him.”

That garnered her a few stares. “Since when are you concerned about letting stuff go? I remember you bugging me for weeks about the present I was going to get you for your birthday!” Rainbow said irritably.

Twilight looped her arm through mine and stood close. “Well, I’m not saying that it’s not a bit out of character for Pinkie, but I do agree with her. If Max doesn’t want to talk about it, we can just leave it where it is.”

Rainbow groaned and Rarity scoffed. “Surely you know, Twilight. If Max doesn’t want to talk about it, then perhaps you would be willing to share?”

“Nobody’s telling anyone anything about Mexicolt.” I said sharply.

Rarity glared at me. “Twilight is her own mare, Maximus.”

Twilight hugged my arm. “I am, and I say that if Max doesn’t want you to know, you’re not going to hear a word about it from me. Really, girls. Max just went through something troubling, so why don’t you cut him some slack?”

I looked at Pinkie. “Thank you for backing off.”

She shook her head at me. “You could have come to me, Max. I wouldn’t have been much help, but I would’ve come if you’d called.”

I let my head dip. “Thank you, but I was feeling foolish at the time.”

Pinkie sighed. “I know. We’ll talk more later, and don’t think that I’m going to forget about it.”

“I know you won’t. I’ll see you when the time comes.” I said curtly.

Pinkie nodded and came over to give me another hug. “You’ll be okay, Maxxy.”

Twilight let me go so I could hug her back. “Thank you, Pinkie. I hope I will be.”

Pinkie lingered for a little too long and Twilight removed her with Magic so she could hold my hand. “The time limit on hugs is still in effect, Pinkie.”

“Aww shoot!” Pinkie snapped her fingers before crossing her arms to pout.

Rainbow made a noise of indistinguishable origin. “Why does Pinkie know, but nopony else does!?”

I shrugged. “Pinkie’s Pinkie. That’s all there is to it.”

Pinkie looked at Rainbow. “Max made it clear that he doesn't want anypony to know what happened, so I’m not telling either. Not that I want to say what happened in the first place. It was pretty horrible, after all.”

Rainbow groaned. “The curiosity is killing me! Can you just say what happened and get it out of the way so nopony has to wonder anymore!?”

I closed my eyes and sighed. “I killed someone.”

“...Oh.” Rainbow said quietly.

Applejack looked confused. “You’ve killed ponies before. What makes this one different?”

“When you put it like that, you make the taking of life sound extremely casual.” I responded evenly.

“That’s not what I’m tryin’ to do here, Max, it’s just a little confusin’ is all.” Applejack replied.

I shook my head. “It shouldn’t be. I killed someone and it’s been fucking with my head, hence why I’m here with the Royal Family instead of in Ponyville. I would’ve been happy to spend my time with you girls, but you just don’t know what I’m going through.”

Applejack strode forth and hugged me, much to my surprise. “It’s okay, Max. We understand and we hear ya. Just know that we’ll be here for ya whenever you need us, okay Sugarcube?”

I hesitantly hugged her back. “Thank you, Applejack.”

She held me at arm’s length and looked me in the eye. “If ya have a moment, I need to speak to ya about something here soon. It can wait until after you talk to Pinkie, though.”

I nodded. “I’ll be sure to talk to you, then.”

She nodded and let me go, stepping back to where she’d been standing previously. Rarity looked a little nervous, but when she decided to speak up, Fluttershy was already talking. “Max, are you sure you’ll be okay here? You sound like you did when you were depressed, but now you look like you haven’t really eaten in awhile.”

“It’s been a rough couple of weeks.” I said cryptically.

“... You haven’t been eating, have you?” Fluttershy asked, gaining some steel to her tone.

Twilight held my hand. “He eats what he can.”

“I’ve been doing better here recently. I’m starting to get close to eating average sized meals again.” I said.

Fluttershy looked upset. “You’ve been treating yourself terribly, haven’t you!? Maximus, I don’t know what happened to make you depressed, but I know from the sound of your voice and the way your clothes are hanging off of you that you really do need some love and affection to get better! I know I’m not your mother, but I know your mother and I’m telling her about this!”

I nodded. “I would expect you to, but I’ve already told her everything that happened. We’re not speaking at the moment, so she’s most likely not going to do anything.”

Fluttershy’s face fell. “Oh.”

Twilight squeezed my hand. “You didn't tell me that you talked to Blue.”

“I didn’t feel the need to tell you about it. I didn’t even write it down in my journals.”

“Why not?”

“It wasn’t a very happy exchange. My Mum is very conflicted about how to treat me now.”

Twilight let go of my hand and gave me a one armed hug. “Is that why you’ve been having those episodes?”

“What episodes?” Fluttershy asked.

Twilight waited for me to speak, but when I didn’t, she answered for me. “Max gets really quiet for a little while and goes off to be alone, but no one really knew why.”

“I don’t know if that’s the cause. I didn’t feel as though it affected me that much. To be fair, I somewhat expected her to be a little distant with me after learning what happened.” I said, my voice monotone.

Twilight hugged me a bit tighter and I draped my arm around her. “Max…”

“I should have figured it out. You’re probably right, but at least I’m not yelling at people anymore.” I replied.

“You were going off on ponies? Why would you do that?” Rainbow asked.

“I doubt he could really help it.” Pinkie answered for me. “I’m sure it’s been a rough couple of weeks for Max, and that kind of stress makes ponies lash out, you know?”

I nodded. “I couldn’t really control myself at all. I’ve been getting better, though.”

Twilight smiled sadly. “It’ll be awhile before Max is back at full capacity, but I’m sure he doesn't want to talk about himself anymore than he already has.”

“You speak as if you know what’s on Max’s mind.” Rarity challenged.

“She does.” I replied.

“I do.” Twilight said at the same time.

“Ooh, ooh! Is it because of the true love thing!?” Pinkie asked, switching tones flawlessly.

Twilight smiled a bit more warmly. “It is, but it’s not like I know every thought he has. Just impressions and stuff like that.” Twilight let go of me so I could walk off.

“Wait, where are you going, Max?” Fluttershy asked.

Twilight shook her head. “It’s just that time of the day. Max is probably going to go stare at a wall for a little while, so why don’t we do something and wait for him to come back?”

“Good riddance.” I heard Rarity mutter under her breath.

I stopped dead in my tracks and turned around against my will. I could tell that something was definitely wrong, but my body wasn’t my own and I had a terrible feeling that I was about to regret the next few minutes. My eyes locked onto Rarity as Twilight was chastising her for being mean, but I wasn’t listening to what she was saying. Instead, I felt like there was a dull roaring in my ears that blocked out much of the usual humming that I heard (caused by ambient Magic) and I practically walked through Twilight on my way to Rarity.

Whatever Twilight had been saying was brushed to the back of my mind since I couldn’t really hear it anyway, and when I stood in front of Rarity, I noticed that things were starting to gain a rosy tint. Her fur seemed less white and more pink as the seconds ticked on, and when I felt a hand on my arm, I knew that Twilight was feeling something from me that even I couldn’t decipher. I didn’t feel angry or dejected in any sense. Honestly, I felt like I was at a true neutrality that didn’t budge at all, but when Rarity opened her mouth to say something, I zeroed in on her words.

“Can I help you?” She asked somewhat irritably.

I tilted my head and continued looking at her, the mane gracing her head turning black as more of the ruddy tint was added to it. Rarity looked like she’d been covered in red dye at this point, almost as if she’d been drenched in whatever dye they use for Smarties (The chocolates, not the shitty American whatever-the-fucks by the same name), and frankly, if I could feel most of my range of emotions, I probably would have been scared of what I might do to her. I’d never experienced a literal red haze coming over my eyes, but I knew that my body was telling me that I was furious beyond my own comprehension.

There were some muffled noises in the background and Rarity took her eyes off of me for a moment to reply to them. “I forgot that he would hear me! Honestly, it’s not like I told him to go to Tartarus or anything!”

My hand reached out and tilted Rarity’s face back so she was looking at me again and unlike before, I started noticing that the rest of the world in front of me was becoming hazy. Everything other than Rarity was out of focus, darkening as I remained silent. I felt something ‘click’ inside of me and I recognized it as the secret power I’d received from Yesu in lieu of a different set. Shit was going south real fast as I felt a field envelope me and rather than seeing the world around me, I felt as if I was taking a note from Toph of the Avatar series and was feeling my surroundings. Twilight’s hand was the one on me and I could feel her Magic as she tried to work it, but that just made the world grow darker instead of doing whatever she’d been trying to do. Two people stood on each side of Rarity and put their hands on my chest, trying to push me away, but my feet were firmly set and I wasn’t going anywhere. Something was at play there and I’m not saying what, but I had a feeling that it was the field around me that was making things harder for the indistinct shapes off to Rarity’s sides.

Speaking of Rarity, her eyes met mine and her look of mild irritation had changed into one of fear, raw and powerful. She wasn’t moving and neither was I, regardless of the two people putting both of their hands on me to push me away. Something inside of me told me that they would be better off without their consciousnesses intact, and before I could stop myself, my hands blurred and the two of them were gone from my limited field of view. Rarity glanced at each direction and looked back at me, shaking and trembling.

I didn’t know what had just happened. I barely knew what was going on around me, but I did know that both of the bodies had fallen onto the ground and I hadn’t even felt my arms move. My body was numb as I reached out and put my hand through Rarity’s chest. Her breath caught and I gazed into the windows of her soul, seeing a small young girl being hounded by a dozen or so children. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but they were chasing her with gifts of candy and flowers in their hands as Rarity ran, crying her eyes out. The scene flashed again and I saw her standing in the entrance of a doorway, two older people that looked a bit like her talking to her. Rarity looked at the baby in the woman’s arms and the man continued speaking to her, but I was under the impression that she wasn’t listening to her words. Rarity ran from the doorway and cried again, though I didn’t know why.

The memories flashed forward and I saw a slightly older version of Rarity in a bed with some fellow who seemed to be a few years her senior. He spoke to her and she began crying all over again as he left the room without further explanation. The next image came and it was of Twilight and I with my fiance laying on me. I knew that conversation by heart since it was the first time Twilight and I told anyone about us being together and solely with each other, and since it was with the other images, I knew that it had to be a moment of immense pain for Rarity. Once again, something else came up and it was of Sweetie Belle telling Rarity something from across the kitchen table. Rarity slammed her fists on the table shortly after she finished speaking, and the scene shifted to me talking to her in her shop. I didn’t recognize it, but when Rarity fell to her knees and began crying once more, I knew that it was the day I’d told her that I was ashamed of having slept with her.

The images flowed into each other after that and I saw a few more painful memories that left no mark on me whatsoever and that was when I thought that the hidden power that I’d been unable to touch was surfacing. It was the ability to see into someone’s soul within a split second, to examine their lives as I saw fit to gain whatever knowledge I needed, to strike the worst kind of fear in them.

I didn’t break eye contact with Rarity, and as I let go of her face, someone stepped in front of me. I was looking at a blurry pair of breasts until my eyes focused, and when I did, I was looking at a pitch black person with red eyes. It was Noir towering over me with her hands on my shoulders. I felt her push me and I had to step back since she was still far stronger than I could ever be, but my hands blurred again and her hands were placed in front of her. I felt myself rise off of the ground and figured that I was using my own Telekinesis to make myself levitate, and when I was eye level with Noir, my hands blurred again, but so did Noir’s. I could barely follow what was going on, but I somehow knew that I was throwing punches at her that she was blocking with slight difficulty.

My vision deteriorated to the point where the world was almost black and I could only heart the erratic beating of my heart. The strange pattern it was taking told me that I was using Luna’s physical enhancement technique to fight Noir, and the vague sense of motion I felt from my limbs told me that I was throwing everything I had at her faster than I could have with just Luna’s thing alone. I must have added Noir’s technique to it as well, because after an indeterminate amount of time, I felt a pop in my heart and I just knew that I was about to die.

I couldn't stop.

No matter what I did, I couldn’t stop moving. Without having contact to the ground, I couldn't sense where anything was, but I knew where my opponent was and that was all that mattered to the fury within. My heart pounded harder and harder, trying to make up for what it had already lost, but then I felt it start to heal itself like someone was applying Magic to keep me going. I knew that wasn’t the case and that’s when I realized that my hidden power wasn’t paralyzing someone with my eyes; no, it was a far more overpowered thing. I was drawing in Magic. I didn’t know where it was coming from, but I did feel my limbs start moving faster than they had been before, and as I was throwing more blows in attempt to overwhelm Noir, I felt my fist connect to something.

It was the very first time I’d ever landed a blow on Noir.

I don’t know how I knew, but it was clear to me that I’d hit Noir with considerable force and that she had taken it with two more. That was where the connections stopped for a little while, but I didn’t know how much time had passed. My heart was constantly trying to break my sternum with how it was pounding, the pain in my chest the only thing I could feel. It was beginning to get unbearable, but my body didn’t stop moving. I was trapped in a nightmare with shades swirling around me in every direction in a world made of maroon and bright blood red. Things seemed like they couldn’t get worse, and while I was toiling away against Noir, I started wishing that my heart would give out so I wouldn’t have to worry about hurting anyone else.

Suddenly, there was another presence entering the fray and I fought against that one too, but as I struggled to keep up with two opponents, a third came in while I was suffering and I felt multiple blows land as I tried to take on the trio. I still fought my heart out, the pain too much to withstand anymore. My eyes were on fire, tears falling from the intensity of the ache coming from my heart, but it wasn’t just physical pain: it was emotional. I wasn’t fighting because my life was in danger: I was fighting because I was enraged, incensed by the slightest thing. I was going to fight until I died from a heart attack just because Rarity said the wrong thing at the wrong time, and I… It hurt. It hurt to know that I was most likely fighting three of the people who cared the most about whether I existed on Equus and that I was hurting them on occasion just to make myself feel a little bit better. With every blow I landed, I felt like giving up a little more, I felt like shriveling into nothing and just… Disappearing. I felt like the world would be better off without a traitorous, murderous, child-killing piece of contemptible filth like me around.

I don’t know how long I spent fighting Noir, Celestia, and Luna, but I knew that the jig was up when arms wrapped around my own and hands seized my legs. I felt the chains as they were wrapped around my person tight enough to restrain me. I didn’t know if they hurt since I couldn’t feel my body properly, but I did know that I struggled against them. My mouth opened and I roared my frustration against my will, though I might as well have been voicing my lamentations. The last few weeks and the events of the past… However long it was, hit me all at once and I felt warm liquid fly from my lips and I was ill all over myself, but the liquid was too viscous to be anything other than blood. My heart finally started slowing down, but not by much and my body was wracked with pain, my hands and legs crying out their threnody of misery as if it would make a difference in my situation.

My eyes felt like they were thickening, almost as if I was crying blood, and my ears and nose started pouring the same substance. I was truly done: down for the count. I’d dragged my own arse down a path that I couldn’t come back from, and I started… Well, I started seeing visions. I saw things that made me hurt so much more. As I watched the lives of eleven Pony children pass before my eyes in the salt-ridden desert of Mexicolt, I saw just how unhappy they were. I saw that all but one of them were beaten daily on numerous occasions by multiple people. I saw that the one girl who wasn’t beaten was actually a sex slave that had to perform the most unsavory acts that left me feeling sickened to the core, and that beyond the abuse that they all shared, the only things that their future held for them were more disdain for their well-being, more rape and abuse, more of the same that they’d seen since they were old enough to be put to work. I saw each of them fight each other in a pit of brown salt for just one more taste of Manganese Salt or for a few hours of rest that wouldn’t leave them starving for a drop of water. Their lives… Their lives moved me to tears, touched my aching heart in ways that only the abused can understand. The visions I saw of their lives made me happy for the first time in weeks, and as sick as that fucking sounds, I won’t lie and say that I felt any other way. Sabio had been right: I did those kids a favour in ending their suffering. Saving them wouldn’t have saved their hearts or their minds, it wouldn’t have made them any less untrusting or untrustable. Bringing them into Equestria would have ended terribly, but you have to understand: Those kids were raised like you would raise a fighting dog. They were conditioned- No, they were TRAINED to be heartless and evil. They were made into monsters that were prepared to kill, and I knew that each of them had since I’d fucking seen them do it in my visions. My regret began to fade, my remorse softened, and the pain that had been residing within me became bearable, but instead of going away, it just… Well, it was there, I’ll say that.

When the visions faded, I saw myself on the mountain that hovered over Esteril, almost as if I was a god waiting to pass judgement on them for being fucking Sodom. The parallels became clearer and I realized that Jesus- Yesu, had been The Lover, The Forgiver of Evil . I am The Arbiter, The Vanquisher of Evil. It might sound arrogant or imperious of me, but I feel as though that’s exactly what God wanted me to be. Yesu was the ‘Velvet Glove’ and I am the ‘Iron Fist’. I don’t like thinking that, but it feels like it’s the answer I’ve been waiting for concerning my relationship with Capital G. Again, I’m not fond of what it is, but as I learned with being a Prince, It’s not always the thing you want that matters. It’s what you get and how you deal with it, and honestly, I felt like a prick just thinking about it.

That’s when I realized I could actually move on from what I did in Esteril. I saw what those kids were going through and I knew what they would have become when they grew up, regardless of the situation. In the inky abyss that my eyes beheld, I saw their faces, each of them. I knew that the first seven were the ones that I’d found, but the last four were obviously some kind of pissed at me. Those that’d had their marks on my flesh were content that I’d felt more pain than they had in their passing, but the last four were upset that I hadn’t put myself through the same pain for their sakes. I couldn’t speak, but I thought at them, and what I said I’ll not repeat here since it wouldn’t do anyone any good to know. It’s not that I’m ashamed or anything, just that it was rather personal and very fucking wordy. Apparently my thoughts were translated into Mexicoltian since they seemed appeased by my words.

Speaking of appeasement, the pain in my heart faded slowly until I could feel that it was barely beating anymore. My thoughts grew fuzzier and fuzzier until I had a hard time thinking at all, but I saw more visions of Esteril before my heart gave out. I saw it being built and I saw up close and personally how each and every one of the people I’d killed had died. Most of them had been asleep or in the odd period between resting and rising, but a few had been awake and had felt a slight warmth just before being obliterated and their bones heavily irradiated. People near the Epicenters of the blasts had been completely erased from existence, however, and I’d seen that the buildings they’d resided in had been reduced into pure nothingness. It explained why entire blocks of the city had been gone when I’d walked through, and it also explained why I’d only counted seven bodies instead of eleven. Sadly, I couldn’t make sense of many of the visions after that…

Well, all except the last three. The third was an overview of Sombra's life for some odd reason. The second wasn't as much of a vision as it was a visit, but shut the fuck up and read if you’re curious. The first of the two was crystal clear and consisted of Discord fighting a man with long, curly hair, with a beard of the same bright white color, and of a woman with four arms and black skin. The man looked like a Catholic representation of God and the black woman simply had to be Kali (Or Kalika. Whichever.), but why they were fighting Discord, I don’t know. I do know, however, that they were kicking his shit in like it was their sole duty in life. The man conjured up spear of crackling light- Fuck me, I’m retarded. Dude was Zeus. Zeus was throwing his lightning bolts and hitting the mark every time, and on every third or fourth shot, a bolt that was longer than every other one by a wide margin (think javelins versus a pike) and Kali was battering Discord with two war clubs in her top hands and two flamberge style short blades in her lower ones. The Draconequus was seriously getting his arse handed to him on a platinum platter with his balls on the side and when the vision moved on, I could hear the words spoken.

“Discord! You have no place in the Halls of Valhalla, those of Olympia, Svar, or Hades! Take your rotten ways and go to Hell with Lucifer and Satan or take yourself to one of the Lokas! May the one above all forbid you from them with a vengeance and allow you to begone from the immortal realms all together!” Zeus boomed.

Kali spat on him while he was cowering on the ground. “And good riddance! Your ‘harmless mischief’ and instigation has made you worse than Loki himself! May the one above all curse you with immortality in a realm where you exist alone!”

“It was just some harmless pranks! You can’t tell me that putting snakes in Hestia’s boots and blaming it on Vesta wasn’t funny!” Discord wailed miserably.

Zeus growled. “It was a terrible prank that left Hestia with Apophis’ damnable venom coursing through her veins for weeks! Vesta was nearly cast from the Pantheon for your nonsense!”

“But she wasn’t! Isn’t that all that matters?” Discord said.

Kali punted him in the stomach. “You fool! Apophis is one of the few beings that can kill the gods, and you are fully aware of this! Do not presume to claim ignorance simply because you are a newer being!”

Discord whimpered. “I just wanted-” He was kicked again.

“You were given five hundred years to change! Five hundred! You are just over ten millennia old, Discord, and you have no reason to be unable to coexist as we all have learned to do! Begone you oaf, and do not return lest we do unto you as we have done to Kronos!” Kali threatened.

“B-But where do I go!? Satan is evil incarnate, Lucifer won’t protect me, Loki doesn’t think I’m funny-”

Kali stepped on his head. “Like. We. Care. We offered you a place among us as a brother and a friend, yet you turned and stabbed us in our backs like the scorpion you are.” She hissed. “Leave the frogs be and go make a mess of whatever home you choose, but beware of picking one the gods inhabit.”

Discord squealed like a lil’ bitch and cried some more. “B-B-But…”

Another woman came forth from the cloudy floor and presented herself. She was nearly as tall as Zeus, with well tanned skin and a face reminiscent of Uror’s in the way that it was just so damned nice to look at. The woman was beautiful, but I recognized a touch of Noir in the way she walked, just like I’d seen in Kali. Zeus took notice of her quickly and watched as she strode over to place a hand on Kali’s shoulder.

“My friend. Discord has done you no personal harm.” The new woman said softly.

Kali snarled and pressed down harder with her bare foot. “He has done plenty of it to you, friend. I owe this whelp no mercy, and the kindness I’m showing him by not cursing him to eternal death should be more than enough to appease you.”

The woman sighed. “As one of this young god’s victims, I tell you that he is merely gaining his footing-”

“He poisoned you!” Kali cut in.

“It was just a laxative!” Discord sobbed pitifully.

“It wasn’t that bad. I laugh at it now, Kali.” The woman said kindly.

“It does not excuse his actions, Athena.” Zeus said firmly.

“Father, please rethink this! Discord doesn't make the same mistake twice, and he learns from them as a child should!” Athena reasoned.

Zeus’ lip curled. “Just because he doesn’t do the same thing doesn't mean that he is forgivable. Heracles, Horus, and yourself were barely able to save Odin from the Golden Dragon, Xiangliu, and Leviathan. That’s not even considering that he tricked Fenrir into attacking Loki himself or that he coerced Orochi into dry-humping Shang Di!”

“The last one made you laugh!” Discord contested.

“It was all well and good until Shang Di lost his temper! He still kills Hermes’ snakes on sight!”

Athena sighed. “Father, Shang Di will calm in a few more years and he has already caned Discord for that. You know that Discord does not escape punishment for his actions-”

“And yet he still commits crimes against the gods as if they’re laughing matters!” Kali roared, squashing Discord’s face.

What he said was lost in the clouds, but Athena shook her head anyway. “Please! Think about this! We all remember our own young years as eternal beings, and we all know that we tormented those around us just as Discord does! Both of you know how long Aphrodite and Venus hold grudges, yet neither of them stay mad at Discord for even a decade! He’s a mischievous child, Father! He will grow out of this!”

Zeus shook his head. “We gave him a thousand chances and he blew every one of them into the North Wind. Discord is exiled, excommunicated, banished, expelled, ousted; Whichever word you want to use, he is OUT.”

Athena closed her eyes and held her hand over them. “Can I at least have a moment with him? Before he leaves?”

Kali and Zeus looked at her like she was crazy. “Have you gone insane?” Zeus asked. “We are not leaving a sympathizer alone with him!”

Kali nodded after a moment. “I second the motion. Whatever you say to Discord can be heard by one of us.”

Athena drew a deep breath and let it out. “I wasn’t asking for a word alone, just that I could have one. Now, if you could stop trying to push him through the Aether with your foot, that would be appreciated.”

Kali rolled her eyes and let off of Discord’s face. Zeus came to stand next to the jet-colored woman as Athena kneeled next to him. She tenderly cupped his face and smoothed down the shocks of black hair that went from the top of his head down the nape of his neck. She didn’t say anything for a little while and just comforted him with her touch as he cried. I would have felt sorry for him if I didn’t hate the fucker with a passion, but then again, I’m still not feeling the full range of my emotions as I’m writing this.

Athena relocated her hand from Discord’s head and placed it on the other side of his face. “Discord, please listen to me.” She waited for him to nod, and when he did, she carried on. “Know that you have your supporters in the Pantheons of all the gods. There are many of us who wish to see you happy, though a bit more house trained. Some of us have grown to love you and your randomness, so please do not forget that. Do not forget that you are loved and cared for, no matter where you go, and know that we will be watching over you, bargaining for your return to the Heavens for as long as it will take. Do not think that it will happen overnight, but do know that we will be rooting for your happiness and success wherever you may go.”

Discord’s entire face trembled. “But where do I go, Athena?”

She sighed. “I do not know. There are still a few realms that would welcome you if you stay on your best behavior, but know that it will take some time for others to warm up to your eccentric ways. Please, Discord. Stay away from your ‘pranks’ and do your best to learn from this. No one wants to see one of our own cast out without a home of their own but…” She sighed again. “You brought this upon yourself. No one has denied this. Take responsibility for your actions and as I literally just said, learn from them! You’re a smart, young god and you have the power to change. Once you prove that you have turned away from your frankly evil ways, I am sure that you will be welcomed into one of the lower Heavens, and then as time passes, you will be welcomed into the greater tiers once more.”

He nodded shakily. “I-I understand. Th-Thank you…”

Athena held his head to her bosom. “I hope you find a good home, Discord.”

And with that, Discord fell through the cloudy abyss and Athena whipped her head around to glare at Zeus. “You bast-”

I didn’t hear the rest of what she said, but I assumed that Zeus had figured that she’d said all she needed to. The scene had faded away quickly and was replaced by another one shortly thereafter, but this time, it was a familiar presence looking at me. I didn’t recognize the face, but I did know the feeling rather well since it was pretty fucking recognizable. God was looking at me, shaking his head slowly while in the body of someone who I assumed was The Rock. I wasn’t really a fan of him in his acting or wrestling careers, so the only reason I even had a guess was because of memes.

“Stop dying.” God’s melodious voice told me.

I felt my body materialize around me and shrugged. I still couldn’t speak, but I could think more clearly. ‘Well, what do you want me to do, mate? Stop living my life?’

God rolled his eyes. “I want you to stop dying. You have an inkling of what you’re supposed to do for me,” I suppose I guessed correctly then, “so I need you to put a halt on giving up the ghost every time something difficult comes your way.”

I shrugged again. ‘Easier said than done.’

He crossed his arms. “Yesu only had to do it once. This is the ninth time you’ve died in all, though you only know of three others.”

‘Isn’t that a lucky number in some religion?’ I thought.

“It is, but not the one I follow.” He scoffed. “Don’t think I’m going to give you another power just because you died again.”

‘Wouldn’t dream of it, mate. Is there anything else you wanted to tell me other than to stop dying?’

He pointed a finger at me. “Treasure Twilight. Thank Noir for not killing you in the first place. Thank Luna for bringing the chains. Thank Celestia for getting your friends out of the room before you hurt any of them.”

‘Can you show me what happened?’

God raised his hand and a one-dimensional screen popped up. It was actually pretty cool, but as I watched me simply stand in front of Rarity, staring her down, I had a feeling that the scene was at its best moment. When I grabbed her chin, I saw Twilight put her hand on me, and when Twilight took her leave, Applejack and Rainbow stepped up. They tried pushing me away with some force, but I didn’t budge much more than an inch or two when they pushed together. After some time, the image went into slow motion and showed me as I backhanded both of them before rewinding and playing it back again. My hands were literal blurs in motion as they snapped outward toward Rainbow and Applejack’s jaws and quickly returned to my side. I left Rarity’s face alone, but after a few more minutes of me staring her down, Twilight ran into the room with Noir right behind her.

Noir took up a position directly in front of me and I saw myself look straight ahead for a few moments before looking up at her. She pushed me away and kept her hands on me: contact that was quickly broken with a flurry of nearly imperceptible motion. After that, Noir took a defensive stance as I was throwing a set of flowing strikes directly at her, levitating off of the ground. She blocked each of them with aplomb, though I could tell she was holding back so she wouldn’t strike out on reflex and end me then and there. Things got worse when I used my Telekinesis to aid me in throwing faster blows, which was something I only learned because God told me while I was watching.

I waited for the moment when I would see myself activate the Heart-Attack Technique (Stupid name, but there’s nothing else to call it.) and when I saw my movements go to the point where I only knew that I was moving because I kept my eyes on my torso, it was obvious that Noir either had to put me down or teleport me somewhere. I don’t know what the rules of teleportation are, but I think it was the fact that I was moving so damn fast that made it so she couldn’t just drop me off on the Moon or something.

My mentor picked up her pace to match mine, but in the in between time, I saw the three hits I managed to land on her in rapid succession. One was a punch that threw her head to the side and the other two consisted of a brutal wheel-kick that hit her face in the opposite direction of the punch and a scissor kick that connected with her left shoulder. Noir’s mane ignited and I saw her bare the chiseled teeth that she was so proud of before responding with a flurry of motion all her own. Some how, some way, I was fighting with Noir and for once, I wasn’t getting my shit pushed in all the way. I actually held my ground for a moment before I lost some after a particularly brutal uppercut from Noir, but I rolled with the punch and flipped backward in the air, landing another kick to her chin as I flipped.

“If you look closer, you will see that Noir’s eyes have turned black at this point.” God said casually.

‘So she’s serious?’ I thought.

“As serious as she is willing to get against you. I will slow it down for you a little bit if you cannot keep up.” He offered.

‘Please do.’

God slowed it down a little bit and I saw that Noir’s eyes were indeed black and that her wings were slowly extending as she landed more blows on me. I actually felt dull impacts in the places she hit like I was going through the fight all over again, and when she broke a bone, I felt that area go numb. I continued to watch while we battled back and forth, neither of us gaining the upper hand. I noticed that my speed increased a little more and I figured that was when I added the other Heart-Attack Technique into the mix. Five blows in rapid succession later, I had Noir backing up slightly as I comboed into move after move. Every kick was followed up by two more that hit either high or mid while my punches were mostly aimed at her head. When Noir went to guard a kick, I threw three punches at her head and all three of them landed. One hit the right side of her chin, another the left, and the third hit her in the left eye. All of those blows could have been knockouts if it was anyone else, but there just wasn’t any give in Noir.

I was mildly surprised that she didn’t kick it up a notch to match me, but I remembered that God had said that she wasn’t willing to go full force against me, lest she kill me with her monstrous strength. I took that as something to thank her for and took another mental note to apologize for the roundhouse that hit her square in the mouth. The blood Noir spat in my face didn’t stop me in the slightest or even make me slow down, but it did make me feel awful about drawing blood with her until I thought about the way she trained me. Honestly, it was her fault that my potential was so damned high in the first place.

For a good while I was getting the best of Noir, and when I sent in a thrust kick that sent her a good two or three meters back, I took the time to watch as Twilight ran off again with the girls following close behind. I switched my attention back to the action and saw that I had literally kicked Noir while she was down, or rather, in the process of getting up, and I winced when I saw more blood from her mouth hit the floor. Regardless of the head trauma she’d probably received, Noir took on my strikes as they came and rose to her hooves as I threw every technique I’d learned from Luna and Noir herself at her. Hell, I even threw some feints that had her blocking nothing that were followed up by savage kicks that ignored my general level of flexibility and punches that seemed to snake under and around her guard when I threw them.

Noir’s eye’s were starting to get a bit puffy from the repeated blows to them and my knuckles were leaving dark patches on her fur as I continued my assault. I knew that either Celestia or Luna would be coming soon, but I also knew that shit wasn’t about to end for a little bit, so I watched on, feeling slightly detached from the situation. It felt as if it wasn’t really me taking Noir down like she wasn’t even a challenge, but I knew from the blank look on my face that it really was the man in the mirror giving my mentor a mountain to climb. I shook my head to clear it and started paying attention to the screen again.

The former Warrior Queen practically turtled up since she couldn’t really block or evade most of my blows, and I knew for a fact that I would have been faster than her on foot. I circled Noir in the air and rained blows down on her like I was doing my best to break her. This carried on for awhile longer until I noticed a flash of white enter the room. Celestia had arrived and yelled at the girls to go get Luna before joining the fight to get me off of Noir.

Due to some wizard shit or something, when Celestia got in reach, I hit her with a heel kick as I flipped forward in the air, catching her in the chin right before I slammed my foot into Noir’s guard. The blow must have been somewhat lightened by the previous impact because Noir actually put her guard down for a moment. Things got a bit complicated from there, to be honest, since Celestia and Noir were both trying their best to corner me so they could knock me out. However, I was still faster and my animal instincts must have been going full force because I was dodging their blows like Noir does mine on the average day, though I noticed that I only straight up blocked a couple of their strikes from time to time. I was pretty sure that I was trying to conserve myself from getting hurt anymore, but not I’m still not entirely certain why I chose to evade instead of guard.

I was doing well against both of them until Celestia landed a kick on my left ankle that left my foot feeling numb. The ribs were all well and good and the cracked jaw was fine, but when my ankle was out of commission, I lost an eighth of my arsenal and things slowly started getting worse for me from there on. Noir took out my right arm when Celestia accepted one of my punches so she could hold me in place, and with a full fourth of my options gone, I was at a severe disadvantage. However, I started to notice that the numb spots were fading after a little while and that’s when I realized that it was the Magic Absorbtion kicking in then and there. Before long, I could use my left foot again, though my arm was taking a little longer to heal than it had. Still, with both of my feet usable, I just had to maintain a little more distance between myself and the Alicorns to keep myself safe enough to continue.

After a I spent a decent amount of time chiseling away at Celestia and Noir’s defenses, Luna teleported into the far corner of the room and flew over as fast as she could with chains in hand. Noir got behind me and Celestia stayed in front since she’d received fewer of my attacks than my mentor had, and when I focused on the Solar Diarch, Noir charged me from behind at extreme speed and wrapped her arms around me faster than I could turn around. Celestia grabbed my legs and held them in place, so with me contained for the time being, Luna started wrapping the chains around me, being sure to bind the ends with thick locks that would prevent me from breaking them. I don’t know why I didn’t use my Psychokinesis to break them, but I wasn’t exactly thinking at the time, so fuck it I guess. It worked and that’s all that mattered.

Celestia and Noir put me on the ground and stepped back and watched as I writhed around in fury, spitting up blood before the liquid life started pouring from the orifices of my head. It was gruesome to watch as I slowly started to calm down, but I knew that it was actually me dying from my internal injuries. Whether they were caused by someone other than myself or not, I highly doubt that the culprit is anyone other than myself. When I finally lay still, Noir sat down next to me and rubbed her eyes. Celestia took up a spot next to her and asked what had happened, but Noir didn’t have the full story. The screen disappeared before anything else could happen, so I looked back to God.

‘Well that didn’t look very fun for anyone.’ I thought rather emotionlessly.

“Someone is quite conflicted, now aren’t we?” He smirked.

‘Not to be unduly rude, but no shit, Sherlock.’

God rolled his eyes at me. “You are rude to everything you meet. I believe you will be forgiven for your trespasses, however, and someone might even be proud of you for laying the smack down out hard.”

‘Was that a wrestling joke?’

God smiled.

I tried to sigh, but couldn’t draw breath. ‘Can I leave now?’

“You have two more minutes before you can come back to life. Is there anything you would like to do before then?”

‘How do I sacrifice one of the goat things in the Everfree?’

He gave me a look. “Filthy Pagan.”

I shrugged. ‘I’ll burn a deer for you or something. They’re pretty tasty.’

“Just eat it and think of me. If you choke and die, I am going to beat you with a switch when you get here.”

‘I’ll be sure to never chew my food again.’ I gave him a winsome smile.

God huffed, which was odd coming from a rather large, rather well built man. “Keep messing with me and I’ll make sure Twilight misses you the next time you die.”

‘You’re the one who keeps opening doors for me!’ I protested in my head.

“I do not care. Look at me then look at you. Now back to me and down to the floor. Do you see how my feet don’t touch the ground? Look up again and gaze upon my glory for I am all that is power in this realm, and I am above all. My word is law, my syllables creation itself, and my whispers raze planets. If I wanted to, you and both of your worlds could collide and every one of you would die, so think twice about your back-talk.” God snapped.

I raised my hands. ‘No problems here.’

“That’s what I thought. Stupid Demi-gods, thinking they run the place.” He sniffed.

‘I don’t think I run anything, mate.’

“It’s because you don’t. Now your time is up. Like I said before; stop dying!”

‘I’ll try not to.’ I replied moments before my eyes forced themselves closed.

I need a bathroom break and a snack. I’ll pick this up in a moment.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So I opened my eyes and woke up in chains, which sucked for obvious reasons. Those reasons being that the chains were tighter than I’d thought they’d be and that my eyes were still feeling sticky from the blood that I’d cried during the fight, but other than that, I was just achy and annoyed, which were both better than being permanently dead. I tried rolling around for a little bit to see if I could make myself fall off the bed, but the chains were too tight for me to do much more that wriggle about. I quickly tired of the pressure and decided to try finding the locks with my True Theft while half-blind, so I excused my left hand through the dimensions and walked my fingers around the chain, which was an odd feeling to say the least. Still, I got it down pat and found one of the locks after a few minutes.

I took it in my hand and stole the hardness of the lock from it and just pulled the thing apart once I cast it aside. That freed my legs up a bit, but I still needed to get my arms loose, so after I shimmied my legs out of the chains and tried standing up from the bed. It worked, but I was a little top heavy and I was still limping a little from the pain in my ankle. It wasn’t too bad, but I figured that taking it easy for a little bit would do me just fine. Once I was standing, I looking around me at the chains and found the second lock. That one was easier to dismantle since I could actually fucking see it, and as I was freed from the rest of my constraints, the ache I was feeling in my arms and hands grew to the point where I just wanted to lay back down.

It wasn’t like I had anything to do, so I took a nap. Don’t look at me like that, you judgemental fuck, dying is tiring! After my quick nap, I looked outside and saw that I still had plenty of daylight left, so I went out into the Castle proper and wandered around for a little bit until I got bored of seeing the same hall over and over again. I figured it was a good time to just teleport to Twilight, so I pulled myself through the dimensions and found that she, Celestia, Noir, and Luna were all in the Royal Family room. I nearly fell onto the table when I arrived, but that’s beside the point, not on it.

When I righted myself, I looked around and waved. “Wotcher, hot babes. Who’s ready for some long dick?”

Twilight gasped and hugged me. “Max! You’re better!”

She crushed me with the power of her love and I had a hard time breathing, so I couldn’t respond right away. I had to stick a finger in her side to make her ease up long enough for me to say, “I’m close to being better, but I’m not quite there. Before we get to the hugging, I need to do some apologizing.”

Twilight let go and kissed me to forestall anymore of my words and I was happy to let her have her way with my tongue for a minute or two, but I had to pull away from her at some point. However, Twilight’s hands entangled themselves in my hair and wouldn’t let go for the life of me, so I let hands go from her waist to her lower back and pulled her in a bit closer to help fill the void of affection that had developed over the past few weeks that I couldn’t have filled in my previous state. I knew that Twilight was happy enough to cry, but as long as I kept kissing her, the tears would simply leak instead of pour from her eyes and I didn’t want to see her cry anyway.

‘Sorry for handing your arse to you.’ I thought to Noir.

‘No apology needed. I am actually rather proud of you.” She said kindly.

‘The fuck? Why would you be proud of me for beating you like a red-headed step-child?’ I asked.

‘For that exact reason. Your moves were flawless; they wasted no energy, flowed together beautifully, were fast and lethal, and were ever-changing depending on what was best for the situation. If you could tap into that again, I would love to fight you once more.’ She thought brightly.

‘I died because my heart exploded, Noir. That was me at the top of my game, though it was pure physical attacks.’

“Speaking of purely physical attacks, there is something we must discuss…’

‘I don’t know why [Omitted]’

‘You’re lying.’ Noir thought, sounding a little upset.

‘Through the power of my brain, I sure am. You’re probably not getting the truth from me. The fewer people who [Omitted]’

‘I think I know what it is anyway. It’s [Omitted].’

‘If that helps you sleep instead of dying of curiosity, roll with it.’

‘... You are infuriating.’

‘I try my best.’

Noir didn’t reply and my kiss with Twilight was starting to run a bit too long for politeness sake, though it had already passed that point three minutes before I pushed her away. Her tears came in torrents and her face screwed up in a way that made my heart melt, so I held her head to my chest and let her rest there for a little while. I looked to Celestia and Luna who were both reading books while Noir was brushing the fur on her arms with a… Well, it was a fucking brush. What else do you brush fur with?

“So let’s get this out in the open. Noir, I’m sorry for treating you like an extra durable punching bag, and Celestia, I’m sorry that I was out of my fucking mind and attacked you as well.” I said succinctly.

Noir rolled her eyes and Celestia nodded sagaciously. “It was clear that you weren’t in control after you kept fighting, despite the hideous sounds of your bones breaking. I must say, Max, you’re quite the monster when you’ve lost all semblance of reason.”

I grimaced. “Not really too proud of that. If I could do that without being so far gone that I have no control over my body, that would be great.”

Celestia nodded. “So you remember what happened?”

“God showed me when after I finally died. At least it wasn’t too bad.” I said for Twilight’s sake.

Celestia levelled a look at me. “You’re not the one who suffered a cracked jaw, two loosened teeth, a broken nose, and two broken fingers.”

Noir huffed. “I have you beat by a mile. Three cracked ribs, a cracked vertebrae, a dislocated jaw, a broken nose, two blackened eyes, a broken wrist, and a chipped horn.”

Luna’s lip curled. “Why we’re not beating you like the cur you are is beyond me.”

I gave her a look. “You did worse to me while we were training, so shut your dick sucker.”

She shut her dick sucker. Unhappily, granted, but she still did it.

I looked back to Celestia. “Sorry for causing so much damage, but as we’ve already established, I wasn’t in my right mind at the time, so I couldn’t really do much about it.”

Celestia waved it aside. “I’ll be calling on a favour from you sometime in the future as a payment.”

Twilight lifted her head from my chest and pushed me into a chair so she could sit on my lap. As she was doing so, I said, “Fine by me, but I’d like to remind you that you could practically ask anything of me and I wouldn’t say no.”

Celestia raised a brow. “So if I asked you to take care of my estrus, you would do it?”

Twilight lifted her head from under my chin. “He can steal it from you or satisfy you once a day. That’s all I’m allowing.”

The white ‘mare’ blinked. “I forgot that he could just take it from someone. I suppose I could keep it for a few days and get rid of it afterwards if that’s the case.”

My fiance nodded and placed her head back on my chest. “That’s fine.”

It wasn’t quite fine by me. “Are you sure you can’t just let me take it from you? I’d like to wait on sex until Twilight and I get married.”

Celestia blinked twice. “... I thought you were particularly fond of sex?”

“I am, but I’ve gotten used to life without it other than the occasional favour from my purple piece of perfection.”

Twilight hummed and I felt the vibrations resonate nicely through my sternum. “I’m sorry I’ve been so strict on you about having affairs, but-”

I patted her back. “Don’t worry about it, Cherry. It’s not like you’ve been sleeping with other people either.”

“I guess we just never got back into the swing of things when you came back from your home planet.”

I shrugged. “I’m not worried about it, so you shouldn’t be either. It’s been nice spending the extra time with you.”

Twilight kissed my cheek and went back to nuzzling my chest. Celestia smiled warmly and addressed me. “I see you’re feeling much better than you were two days ago.”

“I’m also feeling less dead inside. And outside. All around dead, I guess.”

“Oh, it only took you a few hours to come back to life. You were sleeping for the rest of your time.” Celestia informed.

“Speaking of, I am sure that you are hungry.” Noir said.

“Fucking starving, but I figured it was more important to come and see you ladies rather than to go and eat.”

“At least you’ve grown more considerate.” Luna said dryly.

I gave her a look. “I didn’t even punch you!”

“You punched my sister and that is enough to make me want to drop you like a sack of po-tay-toes.”

“It’s po-tah-toe you moron.” I shot back.

Luna gave me a ‘What the fuck?’ kinda look. “Who cares?”

I sniffed. “I do.”

“No you don’t. Stop being difficult.” Noir reprimanded.

“Whatever you say, Blackberry. Just be sure to let me lick your arse before we go eat.”

“Why?” Noir and Celestia chorused.

I shrugged. “Maybe I feel like it.”

Noir rolled her eyes. “Insufferable.”

“Lecherous.” Celestia said.

“Annoying.” Luna huffed.

Twilight clutched my shirt. “Mine.”

I hugged her. “My Queen trumps you pawns, so ha!”

The three elder women in the room just rolled their eyes and rose, but Twilight showed no signs of getting off of my lap, so I just picked her up. My arms were still aching, but a little Telekinesis to keep her airbourne and a little hugging to keep her close fixed that issue rather quickly. There was a conversation shortly before we left that everyone took part in, but I would omit the entire thing anyway, so fucking deal with it. If you weren’t there for it, you don’t need to know, and it’s not like I didn’t evade the fuck out of some questions anyway. Everyone knew I was hiding something big, but they were content to let it be for the time being.

It was actually a little after lunchtime, so I was the only one eating, and boy did I ever eat. After keeping myself on the brink of starvation for weeks on end, I ate everything I could lay my hands on and then I grabbed some jerky from my stores and ate that too. I also had a shot of whiskey to clear my palate for dessert, which surprised everyone in the room. I’d really packed it in and I reckoned that the next bowel movement I had was going to be a terrible experience, but it would be worth it since I had a full stomach for the first time in a long time.

Heh, shitty thoughts. Potty humor. Maybe I could get away with the Shrek thing and make farts my new joke?

Bullshit aside…

After lunch, it was agreed that Twilight and I would spend the rest of the day in Canterlot to see if I really was okay to go home, which was to be expected. I still started writing out letters to Adstus to see where they were all at and it seemed like they had just recently taken a break from staying at my house. Starshine was with her sister, Crimson was staying in Canterlot, visiting with Fancy and Fleur, and Iron and Swift had actually stayed in my house to watch over it for a little while. They’d met Berry Blitz and had almost arrested her for trespassing until they’d learned that she was my maid. Speaking of updates, Iron and Starshine had gotten their weapons from Coffee Cream the other day and she’d even promised to make more things for me in the future at a discounted price since I’d single-handedly paid her rent for a couple of years and made sure that she could afford some nicer materials.

I sent Coffee Cream a letter asking if she would make me a piece of jewelry or two, but she told me to go fuck myself and I was rather tempted to do so. My balls were pretty blue, and I was looking forward to a night of happy recovery favours with Twilight. I might even let her change into Dusk and see if she still finds Roxy as attractive as she used to as a reward for being so nice to me. Then again, I was already planning to make sure that she couldn’t walk straight after a few hours of niceness, so that was cool.

After I wrote letters to my team, I wrote the girls to tell them that I was alright and was feeling better, although I was upset with myself that they’d seen me lose all control like I had. Much to my surprise, Rarity was the first one to write me back and she actually apologized for being the one to set me off, though I found that to be a little on the strange side since I was pretty sure that she still didn’t like me very much. We kept up a correspondence for a while that and the result of that was pretty good. We were officially cool, and if things kept up, we might even start doing things together again.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash were mad at me, however, so that was a definite negative. Applejack was mad because Twilight had to drag her out of the room and Rainbow was mad that no one had thought to get her out of the action until after she woke up. I blame the fact that she was next to a chair on the floor when she got knocked out, but in any case, she was pissed at me for being faster than her with my hands. I apologized and they forgave me since I hadn’t actually done anything to Rarity other than scare the daylights out of her and could take the offenses to their persons as lessons to not fuck with me in the future.

Twilight told me to apologize properly since she was reading over my shoulder as I wrote, but I didn’t think I’d done it wrong. “How else do you want me to apologize, Twilight? I mean, I said I was sorry and meant it. It’s not like either of them need a full page of my deepest regrets or anything.”

Twilight huffed. “Still, it would be nice if you gave them more than a paragraph or two at a time to show them that you actually do care that you hurt them.”

I turned and looked at her. “Why don’t you stop using your mouth to gibber-jabber and start sucking me off or something?”

Twilight scoffed. “Why don’t you put your face between my legs where it belongs?”

I shrugged. “It’s not like that isn’t arrangeable”

She gently pushed me forward. “Keep writing, Mr. Smartass.”

“Why don’t we skip the writing since I’m already done with it? Rainbow and Applejack
have already told me that we’re cool for the time being, though I do still need to talk to our orange buddy and Pinkie.”

“Why don’t you just summon Pinkie from wherever she happens to be? She always comes when you ask her to, even if it’s from completely random space.” Twilight suggested.

I looked around and located the wardrobe. “Good idea, Cherry.” I got up and walked over to it with Twilight following close behind.

“So why do you think Pinkie just pops out of nowhere?” She asked. “It doesn’t make any sense to me, but you seem to get it at a base level.”

“Unless you know how my True Theft works, you’re not going to understand how Pinkie does what she does. I think my power and hers work on the same base level.” I knocked on the thingy.

“Who is it?” Pinkie asked from inside.

“Your lord and savior, Cheese ‘n Rice.” I replied dryly.

“Cheese ‘n Rice? How do I know you’re going to save me!?”

“I’ll let you out of the closet so you can bugger in some booty holes.”

“I dunno, those tend to be pretty unclean…” She replied uneasily.

“I’ll let you eat Twilight out for thirty minutes.” I offered.

Twilight shoved me. “Max! My privates are not your bartering tool!”

“Hey, I want them more than anyone else alive, maybe even the dead people too!”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Pinkie, I’ll let you use a vibrator on Roxy if you come out.”

Pinkie sprung from the wardrobe with streamers, ticker tape, and confetti trailing behind her. When she landed, there were two solid clops from her hooves and she flung her arms above her head. “Pinkie Pie has come out of the closet!”

I gave her a look. “I thought you were bisexual anyway.”

Pinkie pulled out a vibrator and a controller from her hair, turning about suddenly. “I’m Pinkiesexual! Whatever I want to sex on, I’ll sex on!”

Twilight made a face. “That’s not how you use that word.”

“She can sex however she wants, Cherry.” I chastised.

Twilight leveled a glare at me. “Don't encourage her, Max. Pinkie, I’m going to go and take a walk or something so you can have some alone time with Max.”

Pinkie blinked at her. “But what about my alone time with Roxy?”

Twilight tilted her head. “Nopony said anything about you and Roxy.”

Pinkie blinked a couple more times. “I get it! You’re trying to trick me so you don’t have to share her!”

Twilight raised a brow. “I don’t mind sharing with you from time to time, but the limit of that sharing is ultimately decided by Max, you know.”

“I know that, but I want to have a turn! It’ll just be a little playtime!” Pinkie shook the toy at Twilight.

My fiance looked at me. “Are you okay with this?”

I shrugged. “You have to clean me up afterward.”

Twilight nodded. “Done.” she closed her eyes and I saw the world get a little bit taller and my shirt get a little tighter, but before my trousers could fall, Twilight changed my clothes and I was wearing a black skirt with a pink blouse.

I groaned. “You know I don’t like pink, Cherry!”

Twilight shrugged. “It matches the toy. Let me know before you two start, okay? I want to watch.”

“Whatever you say, perv.” I replied flippantly.

My lover gave me a peck on the cheek and teleported out of the room, leaving me alone with Pinkie so we could have our chat. “So what did you want to talk about, Pinks?”

Pinkie sighed and stowed the toy and its controller in her hair. “Look, Max. I know it might be a bit hard to talk about, but I’ve been to Esteril before. A few times, actually.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I’m just telling you now that those kids really are better off without the memories they would have had of the place. I talked to Carlos and Manuela before they… Passed away, and both of them tried to trick me into staying to lessen their workload instead of escaping like I tried to help them do. They just didn’t want to leave…”

“Drugs and Stockholm Syndrome will do that to you.” I said quietly.

Pinkie shook her head sadly. “There was only one of them that could have been saved and I saw him die while I was there during my last visit. Marcurio was a sweet guy but he was… He was in the wrong place for a heart like his.”

“He’s not suffering anymore, Pinkie. None of them are. Wherever they end up, they’ll be happy without their next fix, or whatever little trinket got them through the next day. They’ll finally find a place where they can be alright.” I smiled at her sadly.

She returned my smile. “Here I am, supposed to be comforting you and you’re trying to comfort me. A guy who wiped an entire town off of the map is being nice.”

I winced. “When you put it like that, I seem like a pretty big piece of shit.”

“Well…”

“... Fair enough.”

Pinkie just gave me a disappointed look. “You really should have thought harder about that mission, Max. You could have saved yourself a lot of pain by going it about it the right way.”

“The right way didn’t work, Pinkie. Sabio and Corona Rey both said that they’d tried to make an assault on the town and limit the traffic coming from it, but there was nothing they could do. La Canalla was just too powerful for them to take down without the full weight of their army behind them.”

“And I guess they have it now that La Canalla is pretty much doomed. I mean, you did kill practically every Pony or Dog that was in the upper echelons when you burned the place.”

I nodded. “Not much would have survived that.”

“Max, Sunfire could probably kill you too. For good.”

“Nice to know for future reference.” I tapped my chin. “So other than making me feel bad about something I already feel kinda bad about, is there any other reason you wanted to talk to me?”

Pinkie whipped out the vibrator again. “No, not really. I guess I should have gotten to you before you fought Noir, but that’s all over now and you’re feeling better.”

“I guess I’ll be writing Twilight then, huh?”

“You could always just call her with your necklace, you know.”

I rolled my eyes and grasped the charm. “Twilight, your presence is needed.”

A few moments later, Twilight popped in and the fun began, and I must say that Pinkie is quite good at keeping someone on the brink of an orgasm for however long she wants. It’s actually pretty astounding that she was able to push me to the edge so many times, yet keep me below the threshold that would have allowed me to get off like I desired so greatly. It was still a good time though.

After Pinkie finished with what she wanted to do and Twilight licked me clean, I wrote Cadance a note and started a few correspondences with some people I’d been a tad out of touch with. The taffy toned Princess was the first to respond and asked if I could use my special powers to brighten her day a bit, so I had Twilight pull up a scrying spell so we could see what her reactions were and I teased Cadance for a little while before letting her get off like Pinkie had with me. Needless to say, my fingers were sticky when I was through and Twilight wanted a taste before I could get to it myself. I decided to get Cadance off again since Twilight had been greedy, despite Cadance telling me that once was plenty. I told her that one more wouldn’t kill her and had her writhing around in bliss on her bed within minutes. When I finished, I made sure that I got to my fingers before Twilight did and cleaned them off myself. Strawberry taffy still isn’t my favourite flavour, but knowing that it came from Cadance makes my day feel a little bit better.

Cadance sent a sloppy letter of thanks for my efforts and I replied with one that thanked her for the gift she had given me and Twilight since we’d seen and heard some of her delicious moments of orgasmic wonder. Cadance was, of course, embarrassed by this, but she admitted that she got a certain thrill out of knowing that she’d been watched during some rather intimate moments. We agreed to do it again some time and ended our conversation shortly after, but by that time, I’d received quite a few letters that I had to respond to anyway.

Chumana was surprised to hear from me, though she thought it was nice that I spent the time to say hello. We talked for a little bit and she said that she would visit sometime to see how I was doing whenever she decided to come back to Equestria and I told her that I might see her sooner than that if the Dragons were going to be joining The War. She said that she knew that Iceland was leaning toward Discord while Greenland was leaning toward Equestria, so there was currently a schism in the works in the Dragon Lands that was affecting them greatly, pretty much fracturing their unity to the point where one more big event would break it entirely. I requested that she keep her chin up and join the Equestrian side of things, but Chumana said that she’d already convinced her father to ally their court with Celestia. With that tasty tidbit tucked tightly away, I turned my attention back to Twilight for the night and we went at it like we were two hormone filled teenagers with nothing better to do.

I'm not getting changed back to Max tonight since Twilight just wants to hold me for awhile, though it’s not like I'm complaining. Twilight’s warm and loveable, even on her worst days, and today shaped up to be a pretty good one, all things considered. Yes, there was still the issue of me going all Saddam on a town and of me assaulting four of my friends, but while I’m with Twilight, it gets hard to care about that as much. Maybe I’ll apologize again in the morning since I really do feel bad about it. However, apologizing when you’ve already been forgiven is pointless and a waste of time. I think I’ll just sleep on it and see what I come up with afterwards.

For now, it seems like a pretty good time to catch some shut eye and rest my weary soul with my lover’s embrace warming me through the night. Who’s my favourite cuddle slut? Fucking Twilight, that’s who!

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

When we woke up for the next day, I was feeling a little sluggish, but otherwise fine. Twilight asked to see my journal entries so she could read them over breakfast and I had no reason to tell her no, so I let her have a go then and there before we even got out of bed. She conjured up a Magic light and read for a little while, making different noises as she came to different parts in my collections. They usually take some time to get through, but Twilight’s a fucking quick reader if she wants to be, even if she’s just reading for fun. The woman honestly soaks up knowledge of all kinds like a sponge.

Twilight skimmed forward a bit to read my last couple of collections and didn’t get her nose out of my journal until I told her that I was going to be taking a shower alone if she didn’t get her arse in gear. She begrudgingly put it down and joined me for the ceremonial washing of backs and other areas, but before she could even dry off properly, she was trying to get dressed so she could get back to reading. I forestalled her attempts by catching her hands as she was putting on her kickers and pressing my dangly-bit free hips against her rear.

“Going somewhere?” I whispered sensually.

Twilight turned around and gave me a quick peck. “Yes, actually. I want to read what you were feeling during the days when you were still down and out.”

“I didn’t write much about them. I was experiencing the same thing over and over again, so beyond the mention of something new or intriguing, there isn’t much to read about, Cherry.”

She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, making my attention dip below her collarbones. “You say that like your mind isn’t a strange and wonderful thing, Max. I don’t necessarily enjoy reading about your life sometimes, but it’s fascinating all the same.” She paused, “Are you listening to me?”

My eyes flickered up to meet hers for a moment. “Uh-huh.”

“Tch.” Twilight covered her breasts and I gave her a look. “You can look all you want later.” She chastised, blushing mildly.

“That’s not going to satisfy me in the moment, now is it?” I asked.

She lazily flung her hands to her sides, making her breasts do a wonderful little jiggle. When she realized her mistake, she covered them again. “Roxy, will you look at me?”

I looked her in the eyes. “I was looking at you. I was staring at you, actually. A little on the rude side, but you had all of my attention.”

Twilight lit up a brighter shade of red. “You’ve seen them before, so I don’t get why you’re so obsessed with them now!”

I rolled my eyes. “Every time I look at you, it’s like doing so for the first time all over again. I can practically see your pale blue panties-” I stopped. “Wait, you don’t still have those, do you?”

She looked away, the tint on her face creeping down her neck. “My butt got too big for them.” She murmured abashedly.

I came a little closer and squeezed her ‘flank’. “And what a wonderful turn of events that happened to be!” I said cheerfully.

Twilight’s hand touched the small paunch she’d started to grow. “I’m getting fat.”

I poked it and my eyes shot up. “Holy shit, Cherry.”

Her lip started to quiver, so I continued on with what I was doing. I swept her hand away and pressed my thumbs against the lump of muscle that she’d acquired. “Seriously, Twilight, those are some fucking abs if I’ve ever felt them! Have you been doing sit-ups?”

She pushed me away. “Stop it!”

I grabbed her hands before I was too far away. “Twilight, that’s not fat you adorable little wizard.” I chuckled. “That’s straight muscle.”

Twilight looked at me, confused. “It’s what?”

I guided her hand to my stomach and flexed. “You feel the ridges there? That’s all muscle, Cherry, not pockets of fat.”

“I-I thought only stallions got muscles on their tummies.” She said, staggered by the news.

I tilted my head and looked at her, confused. “Where did you learn that from?”

“The girls and my Mom. They all told me that mares aren’t supposed to have muscles on their tummies.”

“Was Applejack around when the girls said that? Or Rainbow?” I asked.

Twilight blinked. “... Come to think of it, no, they weren’t. I thought they just had little pockets of chub from eating so much all the time.”

“Nah, that’s all muscle, and now you’re starting to get some too!” I gave her a winsome grin.

“A-Are you sure that’s a good thing?” She inquired nervously. “I mean, I don’t know why my Mom would lie to me…”

“Well, she was probably saying that you shouldn’t have abs if you want to be feminine. I actually find it impressive that you’ve put forth the effort to develop them so early.” I gave her a peck.

“... So my ‘abs’,” She held up some air quotes and my attention dipped, “Make me less feminine?”

“Nuh-uh.”

“My eyes are up here.” She said tartly.

“They sure are.”

She flicked my nose. “Oi! You said I could look at them all I wanted later! It’s officially later!”

Twilight just tapped her hoof as I rubbed my nose. “Will you just tell me if you find it attractive or not?”

“Well, I don’t really have an answer for you.” I said, a little upset about my nose-pain.

“And I can’t get a positive or negative vibe from you.” Twilight sighed. “Can you at least tell me why you can’t give me an answer?”

I shrugged. “I want you however you come. I like you soft and huggable, but if you want to be firm and cuddleable, you could always be the big-spoon.”

“So you’re saying that you can’t really give me a straight answer?”

“That’s the straightest answer you’re going to get. If it makes you feel any better, building muscle is a sign of good health.” I offered.

“... It does make me feel a bit better.” Twilight levitated her knickers back into her hand. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to get dressed.”

I nudged her hand out of the way and pressed my breasts against hers. “What’s the rush, Cherry? We can pick up where we left off last night and I can even do something new for you. I thought of it this morning while you were reading and I think you’ll like it~” I said coquettishly.

Twilight’s flat look told me that I wasn’t going to have any luck. “I suggest you get dressed too. I’m not going to let just anyone see you naked.”

I put on my best pouty face. “Oh come on, Cherry! If we’re not going to do anything, at least turn me back into a guy.”

“Nope.”

I groaned and Twilight patted my cheek patronizingly. “It’ll be okay, Amourette. You’ll make it through the next few days just fine.”

“Days!?” I exclaimed.

She grinned deviously and kissed me. “How’s that for a mood killer?”

I pinched her nipple and she yelped. “Fucking potent. You’d better not be serious.” I warned.

She rubbed her injured mammary and glared at me. “Just for that, it’s going to be a full week!”

“I’ll stop talking to you.”

“That doesn’t affect me like it affects you.” She droned.

I put my left hand on her shoulder and pushed her through the dimensions onto the bed in the main room before getting dressed myself. My hair was still a bit wet since it was so damn long (About three-quarters of the way down my back) but it wasn’t terrible. Twilight came back in as I was putting my pants on and put me in the silliest outfit I’d ever seen. It was pale pink and frilly as fuck with stockings and a bonnet to go along with it. I just took everything off with my True Theft and Twilight put it back on.

I pointed a finger at her. “Keep it up and I’ll put this bonnet in your stomach.”

Twilight narrowed her eyes. “You wouldn’t.”

“You won’t shit for the week I’m supposed to be Roxy.”

“That’s so disgusting!”

“It was supposed to be. Keep this shit to yourself and let me go back home and find something worth wearing.” I snapped.

Twilight rolled her eyes and teleported a skirt and a V-Neck into her hands. “Will these do?”

“Trousers.”

She sighed and exchanged the skirt for some denim jeans. “You’re so difficult, you know that, right?”

“The pot keeps calling the kettle black and neither of them get any lighter.” I sniped.

“I don’t get it.” Twilight said.

“Then don’t think about it too hard and change me back into my normal self.”

“Not happening. You’re just way too cute as Roxy for me to pass this chance up!”

“I despise you so much, I’m going to cut my hair in the most horrendous way just to spite you.”

Twilight gasped. “Oh my gosh, no! Your hair is so beautiful!”

I gave her a look. “It’s hair.”

Twilight returned my look with one of her own. “It’s lovely and you know it. I could spend hours just talking about how much I want hair like yours!”

I grabbed a lock and looked at it. “It’s just wavy. Put some curlers in your hair and you’ll get the same effect.”

“But it won’t be as natural as it looks with yours! Your hair is special, Roxy, and I’ll even brush it for you if you really don’t want to deal with it.”

I rolled my eyes. “If it really means that much to you-”

“Oh, it really does!” Twilight said giddily.

I raised a brow and rubbed my cheek. “Starting to get weird, Cherry.”

She huffed. “You know everyone likes your hair. All of the girls envy it, and you just take it for granted!”

“I’d rather have straight hair like yours anyway. It’d be easier to manage, at least.”

Twilight put her hands on her hips and my eyes went to her chest again. “We’re getting your hair done before we go to Ponyville and I don’t want- Stop staring at my boobs, you pervert!” She magicked her clothes on and gave me a frustrated look.

“Again, it’s later!”

“You really are insufferable sometimes, you know that?”

“It’s just how I do.” I took my clothes from her and started getting ready for the day.

Twilight watched as I got to putting my shirt on and realized I didn’t have a bra anywhere nearby. I reached out into the ether and grabbed one from my dressers and had Twilight help me since she wasn’t doing anything else, and when I was ready to go, I collected the Warbling Blade from the sink (I’m never far from it) and strapped it on shortly after. We were actually a little late for breakfast due to our conversation and the extended shower we’d taken, but it was all well and good. Twilight had her face buried in my journal throughout breakfast, so it was up to me to represent us to Luna, Celestia, and Noir, though they were all well aware of Twilight’s social skills when it came to her reading. In essence, they fall through the fucking floor and she won’t put the book down for anything other than the necessities.

When breakfast was over, Noir wanted to have a word with me about something, so I followed her to a private room, leaving Twilight in the Grand Study to finish up with my journal. Noir and I made some small talk about how things had been for her in the Castle, how I was getting along with my team (Although she already knew about that), and how much she’d missed me being my usual asinine self while I was still reeling from the Mexicolt incident. We eventually got to brass tacks, but it was nice to talk to her about something other than fighting or war for once.

A mild silence fell silently before Noir asked, “So how long do you think you could continue to use the techniques that Luna and I taught you without dying? I know they must be incredibly strenuous on your heart while both are in play, but can you give me an estimate?”

I scratched my head. “I honestly have no clue. I didn’t know it was even possible to pull both of them off at the same time.”

“You have shown that it is possible, and with the benefit of you becoming nearly as strong as Luna when you use both, I think it may be something you should look into.” Noir advised.

“I really don’t think it’s a good idea. I’m pretty sure that my heart would have exploded sooner if I wasn’t healing myself as I was going along.”

“Ah, your Magical Absorption is also something you should look into. It would make little sense for you to ignore it now that you know that you have it.”

“I’ll tickle it with my True Theft some time and see how it wants to activate, but other than that, I don’t know how to use it. I mean, it could be just a general area of effect or it could be linked to people in a certain range. Hell, it could be anything, honestly, and I don’t know how I would even be able to test it.”

Noir stood up straighter. “Do your tickling and find out.”

I rolled my eyes, but I still reached into myself and tried to locate the little sphere. I knew where it was, but just like it had been before when I tried to touch it, it stayed out of my reach and I was unable to corner it in the weird pocket-dimension style area where my powers reside. I poked my True Theft to see how it was doing and it hugged my finger and I poked the other thing and it rolled around my fingertips like it was one of those weird silver ball thingies that people use to play with. What were those called? Fushigi or something? Whatever, it was doing what those things did.

“Yeah, I can’t reach it.” I said after a few minutes. I withdrew my hand from my stomach and pursed my lips.

Noir raised a brow. “Are you just saying that, or can you truly not touch it?”

“It won’t let me do anything with it. It kinda just floats out of my reach whenever I get close and it doesn't come to my hand when I ask or command it to. I don’t think it likes me very much.”

Noir sighed. “As powerful a weapon as that is, it must only be activated in moments of extreme duress. Perhaps I shown show you the same treatment you showed me and see if that would do the trick?”

I blanched. “Please don’t beat me up for the sake of experimentation.”

“Could I persuade you to allow me to beat you for other reasons?” Noir asked facetiously.

“Extremely kinky sex, but that’s about it.” I said sarcastically.

We both sighed. “I’m at a loss, Blackberry. I don’t know what to do, to be honest with you.”

Noir nodded slowly. “I suppose that there is one more life-risking technique I could teach you.”

“... I don’t think I want it.” I responded anxiously.

Noir shrugged and touched my forehead with her thumb, knowledge flowing into my mind. “That was a technique taught to me by my own master. As you know, I was trained to be expendable, but as one of the few people who could live through Absolute Berserk, I became one of the most respected warriors on the battlefield. All because of this technique.”

“Not your skill with a blade?” I asked.

“Please. I was mediocre when I was young just as most soldiers are. I was better than most, but still mediocre by my standards.”

“Your standards are fucking space-bound. Anyway, how did Absolute Berserk make you a threat?”

“It releases one’s full potential, just like you did when you activated my body-enhancing technique along with Luna’s. Celestia may very well have one of her own if you have the time to learn it from her, though I believe that it is the same or similar to Luna’s.”

“I really don’t want to tear my heart apart again. Let’s just save that for the time when I need it and leave it for that time alone, yeah?”

“It is up to you to use it or not. I can only provide you with more techniques to defend yourself with.” Noir smiled. “Did I mention how proud I was of you when you used your levitation to put us on equal ground?”

“No, but I can feel it now.” I smirked.

Noir patted my head like I was her kid or something before hugging me. It sucked that I was below boob level now, but I could deal with it for the time being. “I love you, Roxy. You really are a joy.”

I hugged her back. “You’re the best, Noir, even if you did give me PTSD.”

“All the best warriors have it in some shape or form. It was the same in your world, no?”

“I know a lot of people had it, but I wouldn’t say that it’s a good thing by any stretch of the imagination.”

Noir tutted. “You say that, but you also know that people in my time could actually bear to kill one another without weeping for the loss of life.”

I grabbed her mammoth mammaries and tried to look over them. “Oi, just because killing people fucks someone up in the head doesn't mean that they’re soft!”

I couldn’t see Noir’s face, but I was pretty sure she was giving me a look. “Sure, Roxy. Whatever you say.”

I huffed and used my True Theft to tickle her in between her breasts in the way she was so fond of and Noir shoved me for it, but it didn’t dislodge my hand from her cushiony fun bits. Noir was giggling like mad as I flopped my hand about and eventually sank to her knees, squishing her breasts together to make my hand stop. Our eyes met while she was working out the last of her giggles and we just broke out in more giggles because reasons. I don’t know what those reasons were and I doubt Noir did either, but it made her let her guard down, so I capitalized on the opportunity and started wiggling my hand about some more until she squeezed her breasts together again.

We had some more fun after that since Noir knew where I was ticklish and we basically just ended up tickling each other for a good ten minutes until we laughed ourselves out. We ended up on the floor, panting heavily from the physical exertion of tickling and being tickled, and when Twilight came in to check up on us, she saw Noir and I laying down, doing a whole lot of nothing.

“Alright, I felt a lot of happiness coming from Roxy and I wasn’t here to witness it. What happened?” Twilight asked.

“Noir and I just spent the last however the fuck long it was tickling each other for no discernible reason. It was fun” I sighed.

Twilight came over and knelt next to me. “Have I ever told you two that your relationship is weird?”

“No, but we already know this. You should be glad that we are so close, given the alternatives.” Noir said.

“Who said I wasn’t?” Twilight asked. “You two being so close means that Roxy can come to you whenever she wants to talk about something, even if it’s about me.”

I rolled over to look at my fiance. “I’d just come and talk to you if I had a problem. I’m not really the type to tell other people my problems-”

“I know.” Twilight said flatly.

I felt my face grow warm, so I used my True Theft to tickle her side. “Hush woman!”

Twilight succumbed to my tickles. “Roxy, stop! I came here before going to the bathroom!”

Noir crawled over and hugged her before going after her other side. “You should have thought twice about doing so!” She said mirthfully.

Twilight guffawed and shrieked. “Please!”

We kept going for a few more seconds, but ultimately let Twilight go. She teleported off immediately and came back a few minutes later. “You two are awful.”

Noir and I smiled. “We’re the best and you know it.” I said cheekily.

Noir went over to give Twilight another hug. “We only torture you out of love, dear Sparkle.”

Twilight begrudgingly hugged her back. “If you didn’t give such good hugs, I’d be upset with you right now.”

“Then I suppose it is a good thing that I give such great hugs.” Noir let her go and I snuck up behind her for my own hug.

Twilight put her hands on mine. “Hugging from behind works better when you’re taller than me.”

I sighed. “If you’d just change me into a guy, it’d be less of a problem.”

“Hmm… No.” Twilight turned around and smiled at me evilly.

I put my hands on her waist and locked eyes with her. “Are you sure? I can do a lot of nice things for you when I’m Max instead of Roxy.”

“I think you’ve earned yourself some Roxy time.” Twilight said in a singsong voice.

Noir just smiled. “You do look rather cute today.”

“Fuck both of you.” I muttered.

“You have,” Noir said mirthfully. “though we have not spent any ‘Quality Time’ together with you as Roxy.”

“Well that’s just too bad, iddinit?” I deadpanned.

Twilight looked at me imploringly. “I’d actually like to see how you and Noir… Pair up, I suppose, when you spend ‘Quality Time’ together.”

“Change me back into a man when we’re done and I’m in.”

Twilight and Noir shared a look before Twilight said, “I’ll change you back in two days and that’s the earliest you’re getting.”

I flipped her off. “Didn’t you tell me once that the nonconsensual transforming of someone’s person was illegal?”

Twilight blinked. “W-Well…”

Noir raised a brow. “He has a point.”

“You did it too, you big blue twat!” I said irritably.

“Yes, but I do not care which of these petty little laws I break.” Noir answered, checking her fingertips.

I used my True Theft to flick one of her nipples and she gave me an irritated look. “That was not nice.”

“Breaking laws is worse than flicking nipples.” I said firmly.

“How would you feel if I flicked yours?” Noir asked.

“Like you just flicked me in the nipple, duh. Gosh Noir, aren’t you supposed to be smart or something?”

Noir picked me up with Magic and held me Princess style. “I could always drop you, you know.”

“See, you could do that, or you could be nice and hold me like you love me.” I suggested.

Noir dropped me on my arse. “And that is how much I love you.” She turned to Twilight while I was still muttering curses. “I believe you may have Roxanne to yourself. I really should have spent my time in wiser ways than in a tickling contest, but it may be a while before we see each other again.”

Twilight helped me to my feet. “Well thank you for helping me torture Roxy for a little bit longer. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t tickle her the way you do, so it’s good you got her when I couldn’t.”

“It was no issue.” Noir said before giving Twilight another hug. She looked to me and gave me one too, though I pinched her bum because I could and she had dropped me on mine. Noir picked me up by my heels and handed me off to Twilight who carried me out of the room.

Twilight went and got our things packed and said goodbye to Celestia and Luna since we’d already gotten to bid Noir farewell. We teleported back home because fuck trains and fucked around doing a whole lot of nothing before settling in for the night so I could get this written down. We really haven’t done much in the past few hours other than enjoy being home, and Twilight went off to go see how Spike was doing. She caught him doing stuff with Applebloom in the privacy of his own room, so that was funny, though it was a little sucky that it was Twilight who caught them. Not that I'd rather be stuck in that situation again, but I'd rather it be me than Twilight.

Other than that, I’m glad to be home and glad that I can get on with my life. More shit’s likely to litter my path here soon, but hopefully previous events have made it so that I’ll be able to handle the coming waves like a ship at sea.

Here’s hoping there aren’t any icebergs in the way.

Author's Note

When typing this chapter, I had to deal with burned fingers thanks to some clumsiness on my part at work. Now that I'm writing this A/N, I burned my shit again. I need leather hands.

As Always, Arrest the Cardiac

Stay Cool, Kids.

Chapter Fifty-Three: Sacrificial 'Lamb'
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Fifty-Three: Sacrificial 'Lamb'

Chapter Fifty-Three: Sacrificial ‘Lamb’

Coffee is the best invention for whatever ails you, and I don’t have a doubt in my mind that there is no better substance for a hearty slap in the face when you need it in the morning. Its smooth consistency, the lingering hint of bitterness, the way you can dress it up however you like and make it your own. Sugar, cream, flavourings abound. There really is nothing better than a stiff cup of something warm and brown to get your morning going, even if you have good tea on hand. That was a good half of the reason why the shitty, muggy morning actually wasn’t all that bad, and the other half of it was because I was at home with my lover, both of us just enjoying the day as it was.

Sadly, all good things must come to an end, and Twilight wanting to spend a couple days apart was pretty much the saddest way my morning could have ended. I understood that she wanted to start working on some experiments that she’d thought of and do some extra studying, so I let her have her time without me, but that didn’t mean that I wasn’t at least disappointed by not having her around for a little bit. However, it did mean that I could get with Nashoba and do some experimenting of my own, if you know what I mean. It would be on my docket of things to do later in the day. Immediately after Twilight left, I received a letter from Chrysalis of all people, telling me that I was welcome to come and negotiate in Twilight’s stead in her kingdom.

I politely declined since I still wasn’t feeling quite at my best and I knew she would take advantage of that in any way she could. That, and the woman was a cold-hearted bitch that I didn’t doubt Twilight could handle better than I could, and even then, I was sure that my fiance would call on me if she ever needed something anyway. After making sure I found a proper place for Chrysalis’ note, I gathered the members of my team that were still home and sat them down for a talk.

Iron and Swift sat across from me, looking confused as to why I would hold a house meeting when there were only three of us in the house. “Alright guys, we need to have a little chat about some things that I really don’t want to be talking about.”

Swift tilted his head. “What is it, boss? I mean, we took care of the house while you were out pretty well with some help from Berry Blitz. Briar Rose swore at us a little bit, but I don’t think she was trying to be mean or anything so-”

“I can smell you both all over the place.” I cut in flatly.

Iron lit up red. “Wh-What do you mean?”

“This house reeks of sex, Iron. I can literally smell where you’ve been doing it, and I swear to whatever you hold dear in your life, if you don’t find a way to get that smell out of my couch, I’m going to plug you and geld him.” I jerked a thumb at Swift.

Swift paled. “N-Now that’s just not necessary! I mean, sure we went a little crazy while we had the house to ourselves, but-”

I pointed an accusing finger at him. “The only place in here that doesn't smell like sweat and sauce of two kinds is my room, so I’m not going to bend you over and beat you like tomorrow’s not coming. However, I am going to demand that you get more candles than you can carry and open every fucking window in this place. Seriously, you fucking rabbits, you have your own rooms!”

“Hey, we stayed in our rooms for the first couple of times!” Swift objected.

Iron hit him. “Shush! Our boss doesn’t need to know that kind of stuff!”

I gave them both a bland look. “You boss already knows that you did the dirty dance on his couch, in his kitchen, the dining room, the sun room, the billiards room, and the spare guest room.”

Iron blushed more furiously and Swift looked to be the kind of embarrassed that comes with a little pride. “At least we kept it out of anypony else’s room.” He offered.

“Oh, if you did it in someone else’s room, I’d be making you take your love making out of the house entirely. Keep that in mind if you ever get left here alone again.” I warned.

“Will do, boss. We’ll go get the candles now.” Iron said nervously.

I waved them off and started opening some windows to let the smell out a little bit. It was actually shaping up to be a decent day, but I didn’t want to go out and do anything unnecessary. However, I was supposed to be spending a couple of days away from Twilight anyway, so I wrote her a note and told her that I was heading into the Everfree for a little while to check out my territory and see how it was doing. She wrote back and told me to be safe and to not eat anything that I wasn’t completely sure of, to which I responded that I would be careful and wouldn’t eat anything deadly.

With Twilight taken care of, I started getting some things together for an expedition until I realized that I didn’t actually need to get anything since I could just take it from wherever it was if I really felt like it. True Theft really does make things easier on me, and I did wonder if I could technically use it as a pocket dimension, so with that in mind, I decided to try something weird that had sprouted up in my mind out of nowhere. Without further ado, I dragged myself to the mountain over Esteril and looked down at the town. I wondered for a second if I should do it or how it would even work in the first place, but then I just said ‘Fuck it’ and imagined myself grabbing the town itself. I formed my hand into a scoop so I could take everything that was underneath it as well, and when I opened my eyes, I was fucking staggered.

My hand felt like it was moving through syrup at the rate things were going, but that wasn’t the part that had me amazed. It was the size of my hand that had me flabbergasted, and the sheer size made me wonder if I could just do that naturally with my power. Each enormous finger cast a massive shadow on the town, but I could sense that if a bird were to fly into it or something, that it would be fine. I dunno why, I just knew, okay? Get off my arse. I withdrew my hand from trying to scoop up Esteril and focused on making it larger instead of trying to steal something. It didn’t work while my hand was still visibly attached to my arm, but when I stuck my hand through the dimensions, it grew as large as I wanted it to, so I wrote my name in the salt flats surrounding Esteril. Immature? Yes, but it was satisfying in its own way. So after that, I went back to what I’d been doing before and scooped up Esteril. It really didn’t turn out to be all that hard, and using the space between dimensions as a pocket dimension sounded like a pretty radical thing to me, so I dropped Esteril off and pulled myself back to my house.

On the trip through the dimensions, I caught a glimpse of Esteril floating around in the abyss, the sand and porcelain floating around the outskirts with an unfelt breeze blowing. I didn’t want to bother re-exploring it at the moment, so I let it be and ended up walking right back out of my house so I could head into the Whitetail Woods. I stayed on the main path so I could make decent time heading into the Everfree, but it still took some time, no matter how fast I tried to pick up the pace.

Trekking through the Everfree was fun all by itself, but I wanted some company for my journey, so I called out to Nashoba. It took a few minutes for her to arrive, but when she did, I greeted her with a hug and some good old fashioned affection. She returned my affection with a little of her own and asked why I was a female, so I told her that Twilight was being mean to me. Nashoba offered to drop her off deep in the Everfree somewhere and I told her that it wasn’t necessary.

“So why have you called me, Max? I’m sure we’re not meeting up in the middle of the forest just to catch up on some personal matters.” Nashoba yawned.

“Well, I was going to hunt some stuff and I wanted to know if you were interested in killing some edible things with me. If you don’t have the time, then that’s completely alright, but I do need to get this done before nightfall.” I replied.

Nashoba growled playfully. “You think we can’t bag a few kills before sundown? Please, I have seen at least three herds of Deer and a couple of tastier things that seem like they would be fun to eat.”

“Have you seen any long-legged Alligators anywhere?” I asked.

“I have seen one today, but it chose not to bother me. I thought that was worthy of allowing it to live.”

“Well, I happen to be really fond of the way those things taste, so if you can get us close to it, that would be lovely.”

Nashoba tossed her head. “You underestimate me, Max. I’ll get us to our prey, no issues.” She turned around and patted my leg with her tail. “Are you up for a light run through the forest?”

This is a bad idea. “No, but I’ll give it a shot.”

She stuck her tongue out at me. “Then try to keep up, will you?”

“I can try, but that's about all I can do. We both know that you'll dust me if you get serious.”

Nashoba snorted. “Then I'll keep it at a mild jog-”

“Which is still a full sprint to me.” I interrupted.

She gave me a look. “I’ll eat you.”

I returned it. “I’ll fuck you.”

“...That was unexpected.”

“That was the point. Now, are we going to get this over with, or are we going to prolong me breaking my ankle further?”

Nashoba shook her head and started trotting along, so I followed her to the best of my abilities. I still stumbled on the occasional root or vine that didn’t know when enough was enough, but I didn’t care all that much seeing as how I wasn’t hurting to terribly from any of it. The only thing that would make me pause my progress was Nashoba stopping cold, and after about thirty minutes, that’s exactly what she did.

We stood in front of one of my favourite Alligator-things and it just looked at us for a moment. It stared at Nashoba who just sat down in front of it and licked her chops, but when it looked at me, it actually made a weird hissing noise that made me a little afraid for my anus. I refused (And still refuse) to be punked out by an overgrown salamander with significantly sharper teeth, so I gathered my nuts in my right hand and brought my Kopis out with my left. The Gator took it as a clear challenge to its authoritah and scrambled hilariously toward me, but despite its speed, all I could see was the wasted energy in its movements, the glaring weak point that exposed itself every time it had to turn its head to get another step in, the knobby joints on its legs. It was going to be an easy kill, and I couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed by that.

With one swift strike to its face, I cleaved through a good portion of the long-legged Alligator’s skull in one strike. My blow was timed perfectly so it would divert the creatures momentum as it came toward me, though that did mean that I’d have to be quick about getting my blade unwedged. Still, it went okay and I just sent the thing home so I could field clean it when I got back. Nashoba yawned and started trotting off again, so I followed close behind and stowed my Kopis and sheath until I would need them again.

After a few minutes of some rough jogging, Nashoba slowed down and went into a crouch, so I followed suit, keeping an eye and an ear out for anything huntable. I listened in on the heartbeats of about ten different animals, most likely a pod or something from a herd. When I stuck my head up to look in the general direction I was hearing them from, I saw my quarries and plucked two from reality right then and there, storing them with Esteril in the place between the dimensions. Nashoba looked confused for a moment, as did the rest of the herd, but they didn’t pay the disappearance of two of their members much mind since they just went back to grazing a few moments later.

Nashoba turned to look at me, so I gave her a conspicuous wink and she rolled her eyes before stalking toward the herd. I crept the other way so that she would drive them to me if she startled them, but my efforts proved to be for nothing when that black bolt of lightning shot out from nowhere and ripped the head off of one of the Goat-things. The hunt was over as quick as it began, but instead of letting our victory lie where it was, I decided that I wanted a whole goat to myself and used my True Theft to steal the brain of one of the ones rushing right past me. It was a quick and ultimately easy process, but my hand felt pretty gross from holding a fucking brain of all things.

With our quarries taken down, Nashoba and I started to lug them back to my place, though she had to ask what I’d done with the Goats that just disappeared. I told her that I was going to do something stupid with them and she immediately warned me against trying to fuck one of them for many reasons. Once I had her assured that I wasn’t going to just up and fuck myself a Goat because I felt like it, she warned me against using them to ward people away from my house since they tended not to be intelligent enough to do more than charge something, friend or foe. That wasn’t my plan either, but that didn’t mean that I was just going to do nothing with them.

I asked Noir if she would mind helping me barbeque some of my meats and even told her that I got my smoker up and running. I’d seen it in my shed before, but had never paid any attention to it due to the fact that I’d pretty much just gotten used to it filling space instead of serving any particular purpose. Anyway, Noir accepted my invitation and came to help me clean and cook the Alligator and the Goat I’d bagged while Nashoba just nibbled away at hers noisily, making some very disturbing sounds that made me want to just clean and chop her kill so I wouldn’t have to listen to the sound of rending flesh all day.

Noir and I got the meat dried, smoked, pan-cooked, and cured in turns. I didn’t actually cure any of the Alligator meat since it just seemed wrong to me, but Noir and I still had a delicious set of steak dinners that came from my Goat and Gator. When she finished eating, Noir had to dash since she actually had shit to do, but I was just glad that I’d gotten to spend a little extra time with her while I could. My next visit was going to be at the Treebrary, but before I left, I made an impressive pyre around a smaller fire that had already been started and kept my kindling away so it wouldn’t burn until I wanted it to. I had plans for that fire and they were going to fucking serve me, one way or the other.

With about eight kilos of meat wrapped in wax paper, dried and smoked, I made my way across town and over to Twilight’s house. When I knocked, Spike was the one who answered the door (unsurprisingly) and he welcomed me in within moments of smelling what I had in store for him. He’d already had breakfast, but he just couldn’t wait to get my hot, juicy meat in his mouth, and as he savoured the flavours that tantalized his tastebuds, I fucked off for a moment and found a book to read while he was snacking. The book was good and Spike chewed through a full kilo of what I’d brought for him in about fifteen minutes. Too full to do much else, Spike bid me a good day and went to his room to sleep off the rest of his meal. I, on the other hand, had a fire to go and play with for a little bit.

When I teleported myself back home, Iron and Swift were going at it again in Swift’s room, so I exited the house quickly so I wouldn’t have to hear any of that. Well, more than I already had. I have to say, I really didn’t take Iron for a screamer, but holy fucking shite does that woman have some pipes on her. Getting back to what I was supposed to be doing rather than what I heard when I wasn’t supposed to be listening, I escorted myself outside and got my pyre lit. The next step was for me to grab one of my Goats, so I got it from the space between the dimensions, and much to my pleasure, it was still alive. It wouldn’t be for long, but you know: semantics.

My Goat was pretty scared of the fire, so dragging it over there was a bit of a bitch, but I still managed by seizing it by the horns and pulling with all my might. Once I had it where I wanted it, I used my True Theft to stick its hooves in the ground so it wouldn’t go anywhere and started my chant. “O’ Athena, wise, mighty, and beautiful!” I cried into the muggy morning. “This humble human calls upon your aforementioned wisdom and begs for an appearance or something, I guess! I’m not really used to sacrifices, but I’d rather like it if it works!”

There were some birds tweeting in the background and the gentle, useless breeze picked up for a brief moment, but it could have easily been the weather shifting on its own. I shrugged and slit the Goat’s throat, it’s blood spilling on my boots a little, but thankfully they’re water and blood proof. Unfortunately, my hand was nearly gored by one of the damn thing’s horns while it threw itself about in its attempt to get out of the ground. I saved it the trouble by stabbing it in the head one good time with the Warbling blade and used my True Theft to casually toss the corpse onto the fire.

The smell of burning hair was just awful, but when that went away and the rest of the Goat started burning, things got tasty for a little bit. I had to snack on some of my dried Alligator jerky as the Sun was on the wane while waiting for something to happen, but just as night was beginning to fall, the most amazing thing occurred!

Kidding. Nothing happened.

Sighing, I watched the last of the fire burn from my seat on the ground and waited until it was just coals to get up. My arse was a little grassy, but other than that, the only complaint I had was that I’d wasted an entire Goat’s worth of meat on an experiment that had failed anyway. Sighing some more, I grabbed the other Goat from Esteril and let it run into the Whitetail woods so I wouldn’t have to bother with it anymore. Since there was nothing else for me to do, I scratched my head, muttered some unkind things about acid-trip visions and turned to head back into my house. I figured that I would deal with the shit I’d left behind in the morning, but as I was mentally bitching about my wasted time, someone’s face filled my eyes and I had to take a step back. Seriously, who gets that close for no fucking reason?

While I was stepping back, I took a moment to notice the woman’s face, and it was quite obvious that she wasn’t one of Equus’ usual residents. The woman I was looking at was absolutely beautiful in an inhuman way that made my heart skip a beat, and in the relative darkness, I couldn’t help but notice how she seemed to cast a glow about her like she herself was shining. I took another look at her angelic features and found that she had a Greek nose along with cheekbones that were sharp in their definition, but soft in their application if that makes any sense. They stood out, but they lent her face a stern look that warned me not to cross her unnecessarily, and the angle of her jaw told me that she was a take-no-nonsense kind of person. I wasn’t exactly scared of her, but I was rather curious as to how she managed to sneak up on me of all people.

I waved to her. “Wotcher.”

The woman raised a brow and I looked at her apparel, which consisted of a Grecian toga-dress-thing and a golden clasp that held it in place at the shoulder. She also wore a Xiphos that made me feel like she could have easily ended me at any moment, but had chosen not to for some reason. I hoped that it was because we were both Human, but there was no real way to tell without stepping into her mind since her face didn’t give anything away.

The silence was a bit awkward, so I let my hand fall. “So… I’m assuming you’re Athena?”

She nodded. “I am. You are the sole Human on Equus.”

I smiled sheepishly. “Not really all that Human these days, but I get by better than most.”

Athena levelled a look at me. “You are the first to summon me since the Exodus. Do not presume to waste my time.”

I scratched my head. “Yeah, sorry. It’s just that I was kinda expecting you to show up when I started roasting the Goat.”

She raised a brow again. “The Goat was not necessary, though it was delicious. What do you want from me, Human?”

I gave her a tight smile. “Name’s Roxy, goddess, and I was wondering if I could ask you a few pertinent questions about something in particular.”

Athena rolled her eyes. “I am leaving.”

“Please don’t.”

She just gave me a bored look. “And why, pray tell, should I listen to a mere mortal?”

I looked at her blankly. “Well, first off, I’m not mortal. I’m actually rather hard to kill.”

Her eyes opened slightly. “So you are a Demigod?”

“Kinda sorta. I don’t really know what to call myself at this point other than Max or Roxy, so that’s what I’m sticking with.”

She reached out and grasped my shoulder for a moment and I felt something like a surge of electricity go through my veins, and I really must say that it was a terribly unpleasant experience. When Athena took her hand away, she gave me a nod and continued looking at me, waiting for me to say something. I couldn’t really talk since my tongue felt slightly paralyzed, so I waited for it to pass and spoke when I could.

“The fuck was that!?” I asked indignantly.

“That was me checking your power.” Athena answered airily.

I flipped her the two-finger salute. “That shit hurt!”

She frowned at me. “I do not understand that gesture, though I doubt it is something that a sane woman would use toward a goddess.”

“Then call me fucking crazy! What’s with you powerful types just doing whatever the fuck you want and not expecting somebody to lash out because of it!?”

Athena drew a hand back and went to slap me rather lazily, but I just ducked under the blow and wrapped her up in my tentacle. “Unhand me you cretin!” She shouted.

“Play nice and I might consider it. Otherwise, I’m throwing you into a lake or something.” I threatened.

She bristled. “You would not dare!”

I brought her closer and stuck a finger in her face. “I would dare. I’m pretty sure you’d kick my arse in a straight fight, but I’ll be damned if I let you walk all over me like some kind of fucking doormat.”

Athena’s face grew stormy and out of fucking nowhere, my head exploded in pain and I felt her free herself from my grasp. As I was falling to the floor, grasping my head, she caught me by the collar of my shirt and glared at me.

“You test my patience, Demigod.” She spat.

“And you’re eating mine.” I replied achingly.

Athena huffed and dropped me. “Insolent fool! I can kill you permanently if I truly feel the need, so do your best to keep that in mind.”

“Who says I can’t do the same to you, princess?” I snarled.

Athena glared at me some more. “I say that you cannot. You are forgetting your place, you puny weakling.”

I snorted and spit out some blood. My nose had stopped bleeding, but that didn’t end the headache. “Are all the gods just as arrogant as you, or are some of you actually worse?”

“If you have asked this question in honesty, then you have clearly not met Ares, Mars, or Son Goku.” Athena huffed.

I got back to my feet. “Whatever. Can we be done with the pissing contest and go back to why I even called for you in the first place?”

Athena stuck her chin up and looked down her nose at me. “You called for my wisdom, did you not?”

“Yeah, I did. I need your help with a certain friend of yours.” I spat again, clearing more blood from the back of my throat.

She looked at me intently. “Am I not the first god you have summoned?”

“You are, but there’s this one bastard that I didn't summon and I’d very much like him to go away.”

“... You surely speak of Discord.”

I nodded. “I figured I’d see if I could help you get him the fuck off of Equus before I tried to kill him. All possible routes and all that.”

Athena actually growled. “Do not dare raise a hand against Discord!”

I curled my lip at her. “Then take his psychotic arse back to where he came from.”

“Discord is just a child-”

“He’s one of the oldest beings on this Goddamn planet, Athena, and he needs to be reigned in! I came to you because I had a vision of Discord being kicked out of the Heavens, and in that vision, you seemed like one of his staunch defenders. Be happy I came to you first so we can find a way to end this peacefully, because my other alternative is finding a way to make that bloody arsehole stay dead.”

Athena growled again. “I would bring Discord back to the Heavens if I could, but if your vision showed you the day of Discord’s excommunication, then you should know that there was precious little I could do to save him! I cannot make my father and the council alter their judgements alone!”

“And he really doesn’t have any other defenders? No one?” I asked, wiping blood off of my face.

“We are few.” She answered tersely.

“Maybe it’s because he’s such a fucking arsehole. From what I heard, he’s nearly killed multiple gods, so why are you defending a guy that turned on you and yours?”

Athena gripped my shirt with both hands, our eyes level. “Discord was young and stupid-”

“And now he’s old and evil.” I countered. “Do you even know why I want you to take him back?”

“I do not know, nor do I really care. I warn you now, should you so much as touch a hair on his head…” She trailed off.

I grabbed Athena’s arms. “He’s waging a war against the world, Athena. A full-blown, all encompassing war that’s going to tear this world and its countries apart because he’s bored-”

Athena brought me in close. Too close for comfort. So close, that our noses were actually touching. “It. Is. His. Right.”

“You absolute cunt. You’re just going sit back and watch as hundreds of thousands of lives are lost?” I asked incredulously.

“The gods have agreed to stop interfering with the matters of Equus-”

“And one of your own is doing exactly that!” I argued.

Athena’s face lost some of its stony anger and was transformed into one of deep regret. “It saddens me to say that Discord is no longer one of ours. Discord has no place in the Heavens, so if he has found his place here as the ruler of Equus, so be it.” Her face went from sad to resolute. “If you plan on striking him down, then at the very least, I can help him this way.”

I went into Primal Mode in a single snap.

I moved before Athena could, activating Noir’s Heart-Attack technique in a second, but that was already too long for my tastes. Time felt as though it was slowing down as Athena released my shirt with her right hand and drew her Xiphos, but I knew that I would have just enough time. Athena was underestimating me too heavily for me to do anything other than surprise her, so I activated my True Theft and thought of my hand becoming excessively large. Her blade was coming out of its sheath as I was cocking back for my punch, throwing myself backwards so I wouldn’t get stabbed right off the bat.

Athena’s blade met the air and my fist slid through the dimensions, appearing on the other side of the wormhole at least twenty times larger than it had been. Athena was rocked by my punch, but I didn’t stop there, Preferring to roll backwards until I could get back on my feet, and when I did, Athena let loose a war-cry that chilled me to the bone. She raised a hand, so I wrapped my tentacle around myself to block any normal assaults, but when she swept her hand to the side, I realized that I was a little fucked.

I was thrown against the wall of my cylindrical shield rather hard, but the distance between myself and the wall had been negligible in the first place, so I wasn’t that bad off. Still, I’d been rocked pretty well and had a hard time staying on my feet, but Athena had started this fight, and it was most likely going to end up being a fight to the death. My death. I felt a thrill run through me and my vision cleared like I was looking at the world for the first time again. I’d gotten so used to the thought of never dying that I had felt invincible on some subconscious level, but now that Athena was standing before me, fully prepared to end my immortality, I felt the thrill of combat again, raw and unfiltered.

Even through Primal Mode’s general lack of emotional depth, the smile on my face came easily and I couldn’t help but hear the words of God and Noir echo through my head. Phrases like ‘Stop dying!’ and ‘If you die to an opponent that I can beat, I will kill you.’ crossed my mind, making me want to draw my Kopis. I rethought that and drew Nacht first, the length of the fighting dagger being a fair bit shorter than my Kopis. I held Nacht in my right hand so I could grab my main weapon with my left, and when I had them both in hand, Athena and I circled each other slowly.

“No mere man or woman has dared raise a blade to a god in thousands of years.” Athena muttered, outraged. “This shall be your last day on Equus, you sow’s daughter.”

“I’m better off being the daughterof the sow than being a gilded piece of shit from that sow’s arse!” I called back.

Athena lifted her left hand and snapped, Grecian armor covering her in an instant. “Your blood will dye the rugs of my bed chamber!”

I snapped out of Primal Mode. “I’m going to hate-fuck you if you keep talking dirty to me like this, Love.” Wonder how she’s going to like that.

Athena barked out a harsh laugh. “If you can best me, you may lay me, fool!”

“Are you sure your rotten snatch won’t give me a disease or something?” I asked cheekily.

Athena stopped circling. “The only disease you will catch from me is death, Demigod!” Nice to know she keeps the pussoir clean, I guess.

I snapped back into Primal Mode and started my rush toward her, but Athena had the same plan that I did and charged like she’d been expecting me to do the same. While running, I flipped my grip on Nacht so that the pommel was closest to my thumb, and just before we got within range of each other, we both started out slashes and Kopis met Xiphos in a shower of sparks. The sound of steel against bronze rang throughout my backyard, and neither of us were willing to give any ground just yet, so Athena came in for another swing with her Xiphos while I ducked underneath it and tried to score a hit on her thigh.

Athena managed to get her leg out of the way mere moments before my blow would have connected, but there’s an advantage to wielding two weapons, and it should be really fucking obvious: You can fire off twice as many attacks as someone with a single weapon. It takes more time to master correctly, however, if you use whatever style you pick up to its fullest advantage, you’ll be able to land the needed blows for a good victory. Unfortunately, I was literally going up against someone older than Noir who had far more time to hone her fighting skills against a wider variety of opponents.

Surprisingly, we were going blow for blow when either of us managed to land a scratch on the other, but nothing was worthy of a defeat or a victory quite yet. Athena was warming up and so was I, but I was already using a technique that pushed me past my normal limits just to fight on par with her, and it looked like she was only going to get that much better the longer the fight went on.

All of a sudden, Athena took the advantage with a rapid thrust that landed itself in my right shoulder, hitting the bone as I tried to sway away from it. The wound was deep, but not terribly wide, so I could deal with it for a little while, but I was becoming more and more tempted to see if I could actually use both Heart Attack techniques at the same time. When Athena managed to score a deep gash on my thigh and I lost a bit of mobility, I decided that it was better to try sooner rather than later since Athena could actually make me stay dead. I broke off from the engagement a bit to take a breath and initialize Luna’s technique, but Athena stayed on me pretty well, chasing me around until I actually got backed up against my house.

She made slash after slash, but I dodged them and blocked to the best of my abilities, taking fewer and fewer blows as we carried on until I sent a middle kick straight into Athena’s stomach that got her to back off a bit. I hadn’t been using my feet for anything other than footwork, and now that I had Luna’s technique active as well, I was feeling better about my chances in the fight, though the pain in my chest was warning me that I was on a definite time limit. Still, getting her off of me had been the plan and it had worked well for the time being, so it was pertinent beyond all other things to press the advantage I’d given myself.

I rushed Athena with every ounce of speed I could conjure up and managed to ram Nacht into her side while she was getting back up from the heavy kick I had thrown her way. Much to my dismay, there wasn’t much of the blade that had gotten past her armour and all I could do was hack at her with my Kopis until I could free it from her side. Sadly, I spent much of my time defending myself from Athena’s blows while trying to jerk Nacht back into my loving arms, and when she sent a kick that started low and would have gone straight up the middle, I lost my patience and ripped Nacht free from the rent in her chestpiece.

After backing up a bit, Athena and I started circling each other again, this time wary of each other. “You have done well to get this far, foolish Demigod.”

“Save it for when I have my blade at your throat.” I snarled in response.

Athena materialized a Spartan shield. “I will save it for now. Few mortals have ever made me draw my shield, and those that did were back in the early days of my godhood. I believe you have met your better, Demigod.”

I turned off both Heart Attack techniques to save some energy. “You’re the first god I’ve met besides the One Above All and you’re leaving a terrible first impression.”

“Whatever shall I do.” Athena said blandly.

“Die?” I replied. “That would be nice.”

She snorted and rolled her wrist around. “Are we going to keep talking, or are you going to let me slaughter you, my little piglet?”

“Were you serious about letting me sleep with you if I win?” I asked.

Athena pointed her sword at me. “Filthy mortals and your insolent minds. Is sex all you can think of?”

“Well, I wanna impale you one way or the other, so…” I shrugged.

She wasted no time in clearing the distance between us, leaving me with a precious few seconds to start up my techniques once more, but this time, I focused on evading and reached into myself with True Theft before throwing so much as a slash in her direction. It meant that I had to drop Nacht so I could keep holding my Kopis, but when I found what I was looking for, it was all worth it.

The little bubble that was the knowledge Noir had given me responded well to my touch, holding onto my finger like it was just raring to be used. I hated to activate something without knowing exactly what it would do, but I needed to win this fight more than any other I’d ever had unless I wanted to make Twilight live the rest of her long life without me. That thought crossed my mind and I no longer had any qualms about releasing Absolute Berserk, which was a rather painful experience.

My body felt like I had lit it on fire from the inside out, but that pain was negated by the fact that I was now practically dancing circles around Athena. After picking Nacht up with my True Theft, I had to swap weapons and begin my counter-attack after some reorganization. Athena held her shield like a champ, taking blow after blow with it like I was throwing plush dolls at her without a care in the world. She even managed to jab at me when I was vulnerable, but the extra boost I’d gotten from Absolute Berserk wasn’t doing her any favours. I was just too fast to catch, and when I dodged around behind her to hack at one of her hamstrings, she was just too slow to avoid the blow.

Athena roared in pain and fell to one knee, turtling up to avoid getting hit again. Still, I was faster that she was and managed to make a step-jump off of her shield. Unsurprisingly, Athena whipped around to face me since she knew I was going to be behind her, but what she didn’t account for was what I was trying to accomplish, and that was taking her fucking head off. Athena got the picture quickly enough, but not in time to avoid me bringing my Kopis down on her left shoulder. I cleaved straight through the flesh and bone due to the momentum I’d gotten from falling, and the place where her arm formerly occupied was now spouting golden ichor that sprayed like a faucet.

The Goddess of Wisdom cried out in shock when I hacked her arm from her side, dropping her sword and clutching at the wound. “You bastard!” She bellowed.

I stepped in front of her and held my blade against her throat, deactivating my techniques and trembling from Absolute Berserk’s rampage. My body was aching something fierce, but I could deal with it for the sake of victory. “Do you admit defeat?” I asked wearily.

Athena took it for disdain. “Do not look down upon a goddess! Should I have been serious about our contest, you would have lost from the start!”

I took a deep breath. “Do you admit defeat?”

She snarled at me. “Take your victory and choke!”

I let my left arm drop and landed flat on my arse in front of her. “Fucking Christ, woman. Fucking Christ…”

Athena grabbed her arm and it sewed itself back onto her arm. “I will have my revenge, Demigod.”

“Can’t we just leave it here or have another row? There’s no need for vengeance in a fair fight.” I moaned.

She dissipated her shield and grabbed her sword. “Why would I not just strike you down while you’re at your weakest?”

I activated my True Theft and looked at her. “We were both holding back in that fight, Athena.”

She motioned to stick her sword in my face, but I jammed a finger in a place that was unusually wet for what had just happened in the past ten minutes. Athena’s eyes shot wide open and she fumbled with her sword, cutting her hand in the process while I just wiggled my finger around. I got back to my feet while Athena clutched at her crotch, her mouth wide open. Just as she was about to speak, I added a second finger into her moist entrance and she let out a moan that was more angry than sexually pleased.

“I’m sorry, were you saying something?” I asked casually, catching my breath.

Athena’s well tanned skin didn’t hide the intense blush on her face very well, the light she emanated growing rosier around her cheeks. “You- You- I cannot believe this!”

I curled my fingers inside of her and stroked like she hadn’t been ready to kill me just moments ago. “I’m sorry, Love, but you also tried to go for the groin when we were fighting.”

Athena’s hands went white and her eyes glistened. “This is sacrilege! Heresy! Molestation!”

I tilted my head. “I thought the Ancient Greeks were all about debauchery and hedonism in general.”

“I am a maiden you fool! Never before have I been touched by another in this way!” Athena looked like she was ready to cry.

“And I’m not looking to die permanently.” I replied easily. “I’ll remove my fingers if you promise not to interfere with my worldly goals.”

Athena’s blush grew deeper and she looked away. “I would be more likely to slay you if you stopped.” She muttered in a low tone.

I raised a brow and she looked backto me. “I will not surrender to your advances, Demigod scum!”

I rotated my fingers so that I could curl them upwards and found her G Spot within moments. “You don’t have to surrender, just enjoy. Well, and you have to promise not to interfere with me or my nation in a negative way.”

Athena grit her teeth, but I didn’t miss the moan that she let loose. “I swear that I will end you one day!”

I calmly walked up to her, limping from my thigh wound from earlier. Athena’s eyes were at my chest since she was still bent over, but I raised her chin so she was looking at me anyways. “How many times have you had an orgasm, Athena?”

She jerked her chin away from my hand. “Eat dirt and die.”

I stroked her hair. “Will today be the first?” I ground my fingers against her inner nodule.

“A thousand deaths would be too little for you~” She crooned.

“I’ll take that as a yes. Keep in mind that if you ask, I’ll never tell a soul about what you want me to do for you.” I whispered into her ear.

Athena turned her head towards me and spat in my face. “Drown in sewage, you filth!”

I wiped her spit off of my nose and let my fingers brush against her hymen. Her eyes grew wide when she felt the contact and she seemed to shiver. “Here I am trying to do something nice for you as the victor and yet you’re being unpleasant. I could always stop, you know.”

“Do I need to tell you to stop!?”

I raised a brow at her. “You don’t want me to.” I pressed against her hymen again and felt her walls squeeze my fingers.

She glared at me, her teeth bared. “Stop.”

I used my True Theft to phase through the obstruction and allowed myself to go a bit deeper. “Stop what?”

She squeezed her eyes closed. “Remove your fingers from me at once!”

“Can I have a promise or a please?”

Athena took a deep breath. “I promise not to interfere with matters on Equus.” She said through her teeth.

“That’s all well and good, but I’m looking for something about Equestria.”

“I promise not to meddle with Equestrian affairs.” She spat on my boot. “Are you happy, you bastard?”

I shrugged and continued stroking her from the inside. “Happier than I was. Do your really want me to remove my fingers, or do you want me to promise not to take your virginity?”

“... Do not take my virginity.” She muttered.

“Wish granted.” I said happily. “I promise to leave your hymen intact, but we’re still going to have plenty of fun.”

Athena looked up at me. “I hate you.”

“You know, if you promise to play nice, I’ll show you something nicer than just my fingers.” I wiggled my brows at her.

She looked up to the sky. “... I am tempted by your pleasures of the flesh.”

I removed my fingers from her now sodden entrance before licking them clean, sure that she was watching me. She tasted like dates. “Then follow me.”

I started walking back toward my house before turning around to check and see if Athena was following. She wasn’t, so I prodded her other entrance with my finger and got her arse in gear. She had some dark mutterings to go along with it, but she didn’t threaten to kill me or anything, so that was good. I lead her onto my porch, through the living room, and up into my room without anyone interrupting us, but that was mainly because Swift and Iron were asleep in Swift’s room, most likely exhausted after a long day of fucking each other like they were rabbits or something.

When I got Athena into my room, she looked around. “Your sense of decor is simply atrocious.”

“Your taste in friends is worse by far.” I replied sharply.

“Insolent bastard.” Athena replied.

“Uppity cunt.”

“Lecherous leech!”

“Pompous sow.”

“Daughter of a sow!”

“You already used that one.”

“What makes you think that I care?”

I shrugged. “Presumptuous twat.”

Athena growled and stood next to me. “Why bring me to this place?”

I raised a brow at her and pointed at my bed. “Have a seat, please.”

“...What is it?” She asked.

“My bed. This is where I sleep.”

Athena walked over to it and sat as if she was sitting on an oversized venus flytrap. “Okay. Are you going to apply your fingers once more?”

I walked over to her and knelt. “Not quite. It’s a little weird to ask since we were just fighting to the death, but do you mind if I touch you?”

She curled her lip at me. “You have cleaved my arm from me and violated my depths. You have already touched me.”

I shrugged and put my hands on her calves. “Fair enough. I’m going to have to ask you to let me do what I do, however.”

She glared at me some more. “If you bite me, I will break your neck a dozen times.”

“Do you mean that metaphorically or literally?”

She just glared some more, so I said, “I promise I won’t bite you. Now just lay back and enjoy, alright?”

Athena followed my instructions and laid back so I could finally get started on what I’d set out to do. Yes, I know it’s straight up retarded to go down on someone who was about to kill you, but things had made a significant turn for the better in my books. I was going to get to taste a goddess, and that same goddess wasn’t going to kill me, so I considered it a job well done. While I was giving Athena a lick or two, I couldn’t help but wonder why she was letting a guy who was planning on killing one of her friends go down on her, but I tried not to focus on it too much and let my tongue do all of my talking.

I brought Athena to a climax a few times, just to show her that I’m totally worthy of existing, and when I was done, I cleaned up the mess she’d made. “So? How was it?” I asked.

Athena was splayed across a portion of my bed. “... I have missed out on so much throughout the years.”

I patted her thigh and sat next to her. “Yup. You sure have.”

She lazily turned her head to look at me. “You have some redeeming qualities I suppose…”

“I’m really not all that bad. I just don’t like being talked down to or threatened.”

“Neither do I. Nor do I like it when my friends are threatened.”

“...What’s stopping you from taking Discord to another plane and ruling it yourselves? I mean Hell, I’m sure you have the firepower to take a place over if you really felt like it.”

Athena looked at the canopy above my bed. “We could, but I do not wish to leave Olympus.” She sighed. “If only Discord had taken any of the warnings he was given to heart…”

I rubbed her leg. “Keep fighting to bring him back, Athena. Giving up won’t solve a damn thing, but persistence shines through, no matter what.”

She looked at me again. “I do not need to be cheered up by a Demigod.”

“I’m sure you don’t. I’m just saying, however, that you can keep up the fight for as long as it’s necessary. If you make it so that I don’t have to kill Discord to save Equus, then I’m perfectly fine with that.”

“So you are not solely out for Discord’s blood?”

I sighed. “ At this point I just want him gone.”

“... I will try to sway the gods, but it will take time.”

“We don’t have time, to be honest with you. Discord’s waiting to make his first strike, and it could come at literally any moment, Athena.”

“Then your troubles are many. Know that I will not aid you against my brother.”

“I was pretty sure that you wouldn’t. However, if you wouldn’t mind helping Discord see that this isn’t the right path…” I trailed off.

“I will see what I can do, but I make no promises.” Athena sat up and looked at my hand. “You may remove yourself from my person.”

I took my hand back as she fixed her toga-thing. “That’s all I can ask of you. Thanks for coming, Athena.” And thanks for cumming.

She cut me a glare. “Do not think that this means anything. All you have done is show me that carnal desires are not something that always need to be repressed.”

I raised a brow at her. “And I’ve been ‘insolent’ while doing it.”

Athena stood up and smoothed out her dress. “You most certainly have. I will return to the Heavens now.”

“But what about my reward for winning our fight?” I asked flippantly.

She gave me a confused look. “Was tasting a goddess not enough for you?”

“It was really more of a favour for you than for me.” I replied.

She blinked. “I thought all mortals wished to bed a goddess.”

I held up two fingers. “Not mortal, and I didn’t bed you; I went down on you. Gave you oral sex. Those are completely different things.”

“Oh.”

“You’re how old again?”

She narrowed her eyes. “I fail to see how my age has anything to do with this.”

I rolled my eyes. “Right. So do I get something for winning or not?”

“Well… It is a custom for the loser to receive a prize for besting a foe…”

“You can’t think of anything, can you?”

“Would you like a quest?”

I gave her a ‘What the fuck?’ kinda look. “What would that accomplish?”

“Slaying a great beast would do you some good, I do believe. If you have doubts about whether or not you could pull off such a feat...” Athena shrugged.

My look turned into one of boredom. “I erased an entire town. Killing one beast isn’t going to be a test, and on top of that, I already know what you’re doing. It’s not going to work.”

She cursed under her breath. “Then what is it that you do want?”

I looked away from her and tapped my chin. “I want… Well, I suppose I want to see the Heavens myself.”

“No.”

“That was fast.”

Athena sniffed. “A mere Demigod would not be allowed into the Heavens.”

I held out my left hand and conjured up my Seal. “What if I was The Lord’s Sword?”

She barely looked at my Seal, just giving it a passing glance before her eyes went straight back to it. “You… You cannot- I-” She was at a loss for words.

“Yes, I’m one of God’s chosen few. Feel free to bask if you want, but keep your head on.”

Athena slowly came closer and kneeled before me, reaching out with her hands as if she were going to grasp my Seal gingerly. “You are a chosen of The Almighty?”

“I am.”

“Would- Would you mind putting your Seal on me? So I can prove that I have met you while you are still doing your earthly duties?” Athena asked desperately.

I gave her an odd look. “Why would you want that?”

“It may help me bring Discord back! If you inscribe your words into you Seal, I can say that I have your support to take him back into the Heavens!”

I tilted my head. “I thought my words meant nothing to you?”

“And I apologize. Chosen One,” Athena said rapidly, “but I was unaware of your stature before this! Please do not hold my rudeness against me for both of us know that it was a sin committed in ignorance.” She looked up at me hopefully.

I looked at her coolly. “You tried to kill me permanently and you treated me like a dog. What do I owe you, Athena?”

She chewed her lip. “You owe me nothing, but by doing this, you may help further our goals!”

“... Fine, but I want you to swear on the River Styx that you will come to my call three times.”

“Agreed! I swear on the River Styx that I will come to your call three times!”

I miniaturized my Seal and thought about what I wanted to say. “Alright, I have my message. Where do you want me to place the Seal?”

She held up a hand. “If you would be so kind.”

I gently held it and placed my Seal on the dorsal side. “So can you tell me why my word has so much power?”

Athena rubbed the Seal cautiously. “It is just that those who serve the One Above All are special in many ways. Often they are chosen to become new gods or goddesses depending on their desires and many of our ranks were once Chosen such as yourself.”

“So what?” I asked. “If the Chosen ascend to godhood, why treat them any differently than you would any other god?”

She continued to gaze at the Seal. “New gods are rare enough as it is, but having a god with new powers that have not been given to any other is a different case in itself. There are rumors that you are to become one of the strong few. If Yesu’s experience in ascension has any similarities to yours, then you may become one of the One Above All’s hands in the works. Having connections to you would be beneficial to any god!”

“So I’m just another tool for advancement?” I sneered.

Athena blanched. “I would request nothing more of you, Chosen One. With this, you may have given me all I need to bring Discord back to the Heavens.”

I nodded. “See to it that you have something to trade if you want something from me. If our relationship thus far hadn’t consisted of threats, degradation, and a full-blown fight to the death, we might be on different grounds right now.”

“... I see your forgiveness is not granted easily. It would be folly for me to let things lie where they are.” Is this what having the upper hand feels like when you’re talking to someone more powerful than you?

I raised a brow. “And what are you going to do about it?”

Athena bit her thumb and narrowed her eyes, looking away from me. “I would grant you a blessing, but to aid you now would be to go against Discord… I cannot give you anything of value that would be fit for a warrior like yourself…” Athena looked at me, conflict in her eyes. “We have agreed that I will come to your call three times, but what if I were to grant you three conditional favours to go along with it?”

“The conditions?”

“One is that you do not use what I give you to strike Discord himself, or that you ever try to use me in a plot against him.”

I sighed. “He’s my biggest concern right now, Athena. I’m a Prince of the nation he’s going to war with. Ninety-nine point nine percent of what I can even fathom to ask you for consists of-” I blanked out for a second. “Wait, if you can find some sort of thing that contain Discord…” I trailed off, looking at Athena.

She gave me a sad look. “Hephaestus and Vulcan haven’t made any more containment boxes since Discord trapped three of the Roman gods in them for a laugh.”

I grimaced. “Fuck. There goes that plan.”

Athena sighed. “Chosen One, I suggest that you take my offer and keep them for use at a later date. Having a goddess’ favour can never be a bad thing.”

I rubbed my face. “I need Kali’s favour. Killing Discord would be so much easier than trying to deal with him in a way that doesn’t make you my enemy.”

“Any yet you found it in your heart to try a different path. I sense that you have walked the path of bloodshed, more so than most soldiers.”

“About five thousand more people have died by my hand than any average soldier.” I informed.

“... For the sake of defeating Discord?”

I nodded.

“... That is no small sum, even for a Demigod.”

“Call me a talented bastard.” I said flippantly. “Though I’d appreciate it if you started calling me Roxy instead of what I am.”

“I will not address you by a false name.” Athena said firmly.

“Guess I shouldn’t put it past a goddess to know that ‘Roxy’ is only a pseudonym.” I replied drily.

She nodded. “May I ask your true name?”

“Would it give you any manner of power over me?” I asked.

“No, but it would be an honor to be the first god to hear the name of the latest Chosen One.”

“Isn’t ‘Roxy’ good enough? I mean, it’s the name I answer to these days and it’s what I prefer to be called, honestly.”

“I will not address you by a false name.” Athena repeated.

I took a deep breath and sighed. “Then my name is Kaid. Kaid Gadai.”

Athena looked at me intensely for a moment. “Are you aware of what your name means, Kaid Gadai?”

I scratched my head. “Well, I know ‘Kaid’ means leader or something in an african language. I think my Dad was just fond of it because it was the abbreviation for his name.”

Athena nodded. “You are correct with your first name meaning leader, but did you know that ‘Gadai’ means ‘thief’?”

I looked at her for a moment before I cracked up. “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me!”

“I do not see what is funny.”

I chuckled on for a few more seconds. “It’s nothing that would concern you, Athena. Just something funny about my past.”

She nodded. “I assume you were a hunter of thieves?”

“Not quite.” I said through a smile.

Athena gave me a confused look. “You do not have the build of an executioner.”

“No, Lord forbid I become something like that. I was a thief, Athena. I never knew my name fit me so perfectly.”

She blinked at me a few times. “But… You are a Chosen One.”

“Yes.”

“... You could not have been a mere thief.” Athena chuckled to herself. “I see that I must take your words as jest.”

“Tell yourself what you want. I used to be in the business of stealing things.”

Athena chuckled some more and heartily patted my leg before sitting next to me. “I find you amusing, though your joke may have gone over my head at first, I see it for what it is now.”

I just gave her a blank look. “I’m really not joking, Athena.”

She rolled her eyes and showed me a pleasant little smile. “I believe you protest too much. Next you will tell me that oxen grow from trees!”

I didn’t let my face slip at all. “Yeah, no. I’m a reformed thief.”

“Your joke is wearing a little thin, dear Kaid.” Athena said with a smile.

I shrugged. “Like I said, believe what you want. Is there anything I can help you with before you go?”

She shook her head. “There is nothing I need. I will return once I have news from the Heavens.” Athena rose from my bed and crossed her arms. “When I return, I will bring you your reward for winning our contest.”

“Sounds good to me. Good luck, goddess.”

“Well wishes to you, Kaid Gadai.”

A bright light began to fill the room and I had to turn away from it to avoid being blinded by Athena’s damnable showing off. I wasn’t that upset about it, but I would have preferred it if she didn’t try to make my eyes turn to dust just to leave my house. Still, I’d met a goddess and she hadn’t killed me for being a disrespectful little prick, so that was a win in my books, and now I had something to look forward to. I was going to have to tell Twilight that I performed a sexual favour for someone without telling her beforehand, but I was pretty sure that I wouldn’t be in the doghouse too long if I explained the events leading up to the licky-licky.

With my experiment having proven a success, I thought about pressing my luck and going for the help of another god, but I had to face the facts; The gods don’t want Discord back and now that he’s out of their hair, they don’t care what happens to him or what he does. There’s a reason I went to Athena first, and that’s because I knew she would at least offer some response to the giant thorn in my side that is Discord. Zeus and Kali didn’t like Discord, that much was sure, but I didn’t know for certain that they would be willing to help me out against him. Hell, if Athena’s original attitude was anything to go by, then the gods are haughty, pretentious, narcissists that don’t really give a damn about what happens on Equus and trying to contact them would be foolish anyway. There were gods that sympathized with Humans of course, but I didn’t know if any of them would be willing to help me out. There were just too many variables that I needed to explore.

No, I needed to remember what god would hate Discord the most, but the only one I could remember that would still despise him would be Odin. I didn’t know how to summon him, so I was pretty much just limited to the Greek and Egyptian gods since I actually knew how to appease some of them. I’m still not willing to bet that I’ll be able to get much help from the gods, but I need to keep trying with the offerings that I can give them and see if I can get a blessing of some kind for the coming battles, or one for general purposes. For that, I would actually need some sort of encyclopedia on the gods so I could narrow things down a bit, but the patrons I had in mind were pretty much the craftier gods. Sadly, I didn’t know if they would be able to help me at all with my war against Discord, but it was worth a shot, at least.

With my plans for tomorrow settling themselves into my schedule nicely, I wrote Twilight and wished her a good night before writing Noir and telling her that I’d met her match. Twilight wrote back before Noir did and asked me if I’d had an affair or something, so I invited Twilight to come over for a little bit so I could explain things. She told me to hold on for a few minutes, so I went downstairs and prepared a couple glasses of wine so we could have a drink as we talked. Twilight arrived just as I was considering sending her another message, and when she arrived, she was still in her night clothes, though she had her hair pulled back into a sexy ponytail that made me want a little more than conversation.

I offered Twilight her glass of wine and invited her to join me in the living room so we could talk. “Alright Cherry, I know this looks bad already-”

“You didn’t even ask my permission!” Twilight said irritably.

“I didn’t sleep with her.” I replied.

“You’re supposed to ask before you do anything sexual!”

“Well, she was going to kill me if I didn’t slip some fingers in her, so you know. And if you let me explain, you’ll know why I was scared of getting killed by her.”

Twilight gave me a look. “You have sixty seconds to explain yourself.”

“Wasting no time here. Okay, so I summoned a goddess that originated from my world and asked her to help with the Discord situation since she used to be a friend of his, but she couldn’t help me and found out that I was planning on killing him, so we had ourselves a fight, except this wasn’t just any fight. The goddess I summoned, Athena, can actually kill people like us permanently, so I needed to win and I did, but it left me exhausted and aching something fierce. Since I was in such a state, Athena wanted to put me down so I wouldn’t hurt Discord, but I stuck a finger in her lady parts and she froze up, so I added another one, and then she beat around the bush for a little bit before essentially asking me to get her off. I did it to save my life!”

Twilight’s head tilted pretty far to the left. “That story makes no sense, but I know it’s the truth. What even is your life, Roxy?”

“It’s a life no one else could possibly inherit.” I sighed. “So that’s the gist of why I went down on a goddess for the sake of the war efforts.”

My fiance just shook her head. “Why would you go to Discord’s friend for help against him?”

I gave her a look. “It was obviously a part of a larger plan, Twilight. I mean, I could explain it all for you here and now if you want.”

Twilight nodded. “Explain it to me then.”

For the sake of not repeating myself, I’ll skip Twilight’s questions and say that she left my house about two hours later after making me repay her for messing up. The powerful taste of wine overrode Athena’s unique flavour before Twilight left, though it’s not like it was a bad combination or anything, just a bit odd. Twilight left me with no release, so once I finish writing this, I’m probably going to grab a vibrator and take care of myself since no one else has cared to today.

All I ever do is give give give, but I never receive. Such is the life of a mere immortal prick.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Waking up alone always sucks since it usually means nightmares for me, but it sucked even more than usual last night. I got out of bed and marched myself into the bathroom to get some stuff done before slipping into my morning routine, but I wasn’t really feeling it, which made it that much more tedious. Twilight was still upset with me for doing stuff for Athena, but I could deal with her irritation since I knew that it was pretty much just that. She wasn’t terribly mad or anything, so that’s why I wasn’t too disturbed by the prospect of having her mad at me again. Still, not having Twilight around sucks and she’s the only one in Ponyville who can change me back to a male, so making her mad at me would only make things worse for me in the end.

While I was getting my morning routine done, I thought about what had happened with Athena and the reality that I’d barely escaped being killed for good by the skin of my teeth was settling in pretty nicely and I was really starting to grasp that I’d risked my life on a long-shot bet that wasn’t guaranteed to work out. I was glad that it had, but it was a near miss that could have all come tumbling down if I didn’t shove my fingers somewhere special with Athena, and just thinking about how close I’d really come to taking a long walk off of a short pier with concrete boots made me wonder if I was biting off more than I could chew when it came to dealing with the gods. I couldn’t get away without acting at least somewhat reverent for terribly long, but it just really isn’t in my nature to show deference to anyone who disrespects me as casually as Athena did. My unwillingness to show venerance for the gods may well be my downfall if I’m not careful and that’s a little worrisome. I don’t know if I could get away with using the Prince Path to talk to them since it seems to be geared more toward making me think of myself as a ruler, but fucking HELL, anything's better than getting my arse perma-killed by some god who can’t figure out humility. Honestly, I can’t complain about the way things went with Athena, and even if I wanted to, there wouldn’t be a fucking point to it. Hopefully her dad doesn’t think I’m despoiling his daughter or anything.

Dear God, don’t let the rest of the lesser gods be elitist pricks.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next morning didn’t hold much for me. Crimson and Starshine had until the next day to come back, and I wasn’t exactly pushing for them to show up sooner than that, so I just took Iron and Swift out for our morning run and trained them myself since Onyx had gotten the memo that we wouldn’t be reconvening for another day or so. I wasn’t as well versed in the different styles as he was, but I could still manage to teach a little bit and correct their forms when they made a bigger mistake. All in all, the morning was well spent.

After training was done for the day, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with the rest of my time, so I decided to make some rounds and pick up some necessary goods so Crimson wouldn’t have to go shopping when he got back. It was an incredibly easy process with True Theft, helping me get enough to fill my depleted pantry and stock my ice box. Sugarcube Corner actually had some pecan tarts, so I bought all of those, stuck a note on them, and sent them back home. Touching my tarts is a huge no-no, and if I were to find out about some miscreant getting their mitts on my tasty, precious tarts… There would be a special kind of Hell to pay.

With shopping over and done with, I walked over to Applejack’s farm to see what she was up to since we still hadn’t actually had our talk. I was hoping that she wasn’t going to ream me or something, but I figured that it was a needless worry since she had seemed pretty cool when we’d last met in Canterlot. Granted, I’d knocked her arse out cold within the blink of an eye and there wasn’t much I could do to make up for that, but she’d said that she was okay. Rainbow, on the other hand, wanted a rematch with a handicap that we were going to have to figure out.

When I walked down the dirt path leading to Applejack’s house, I heard the occasional sound of heavy impacts against what I assumed was wood; a sure sign of bucking if I’d ever heard one. Odds were that it was either Applejack or Macintosh, so I followed the sound for a little while, picking my path through the medium sized Apple Trees freely since their was plenty of space in between them. I don’t really go into the orchard much, so I find it pretty easy to get lost in there, hence why I was going to ask the bucker to point me back to the main path.

Much to my surprise, it wasn’t Applejack or Macintosh bucking a tree, but Apple Bloom doing so in their stead. She was quite focused on her task, jumping into the air up to about two-thirds of a meter, then striking with incredible power at the pinnacle of her jump. She usually finished off her bucks with a little flip, which, to a mindful eye, would tell one that she’s either doing more pushing than kicking or she’s perfected the range she needs to buck in such a pointlessly fancy way. I figured that she was doing it to keep herself entertained or something of the like, so I just sat back and watched for a few more bucks until I felt like approaching.

I meandered over to Apple Bloom, stopping a handful of steps away. “Oi, Apple Bloom!”

She landed her flip and looked around for me, finding me after looking the opposite direction first. “Oh, hey Roxy! What brings ya to the farm?” Is it me, or is her voice deeper?

“Applejack said that she wanted to talk to me and I figured that I could bear to do it sooner than later. I see you’re bucking up a storm over here.” I cracked a smile.

Apple Bloom wiped off her forehead. “Gotta pull my weight now that I’m old enough to help out with the heavier chores. I ain’t exactly a filly no more, Roxy.”

I strode over and mussed up her hair with a wide grin. “You’ll always be a filly in my eyes, Apple Bloom. No matter how tall you get or how much you start to look like Macintosh, you’ll always be widdle Apple Bwoom to me.”

She smacked my hand and smoothed her hair out, her face flushed. “Gee, thanks bud. I really wanted Spike’s big brother to tell me I don’t qualify as a mare today.”

I gave her a goofy smile. “Glad to make your wishes come true. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

“I need a hundred bits and a team of workers on the farm.” Apple Bloom muttered.

I gave her a look. “I can give you the bits, but you know Applejack would never deal with too many people plowing her fields if she doesn’t know them.” If you know what I mean, that is.

Apple Bloom tilted her head and gave me a look. “Was that second part supposed to mean somethin’ else?” She knows what I mean!

I gave her a blank look. “Dunno what you mean, but I’m sure you just have a dirty mind.”

She rolled her eyes. “I don’t, and I’m sure you don’t have a hundred bits to just be throwin’ around.”

I stared at her for a moment. “Apple Bloom, who’s the richest person in to-”

“Filthy Rich.” She answered immediately.

“Wrong. I have a personal fortune large enough to buy most of Ponyville, including Town Hall.”

Apple Bloom chuckled. “You’re still a funny fella, you know that?”

I gave her a queer look. “Apple Bloom, how do you not know that I’m the wealthiest person in town?”

She rolled her eyes again. “Because you’re not. I don’t know why convincin’ me that you are is so important, but I’m tellin’ ya that it just ain’t gonna work.”

“Ask Mary the Mayor or Twilight if you don’t believe me. Both of them keep tabs on that sort of thing.” Well, Twilight keeps tabs on my banked wealth. What I have in my shed is pretty much mine to waste as I please. As it is, there’s over two thousand bits just going to waste. There might even be upwards of five thousand, though it’s not like I keep tabs on it.

Apple Bloom gave me a bored look. “Now why would I go and do that?”

“Because you doubt me, duh. Jeez, and here I thought you trusted my word.”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you it’s just that… Well, to my knowin’, you don’t do much other than write and… Prince… Stuff.”

“I was an Operative before I was a Prince, and doing my Operative thing paid rather well. Hell, being a Prince doesn’t even pay at all, but between being an Operative and a writer, I’ve made my scratch.”

“Whatever you say, Roxy. Is there a reason you’re interruptin’ my important work?”

“Well, I was hoping you were your sister, but I could always try harassing you for a laugh.”

She gave me a womanly look. “She’s fixin’ up the barn with Big Mac.”

“You mean they’re hooking up in the barn.”

“No, I mean they’re patchin’ the roof. What does ‘hookin’ up’ mean?”

“I’ll tell you when you’re older. Which way do I go to get to the farmhouse?”

She pointed behind me. “I’m old enough to know what you’re talking about now, Roxy!”

“You’re old enough when I say you’re old enough, Bloom.” I smirked.

She picked up an apple from one of her baskets and threw it at me. “Buck off!”

I caught it easily. “Language! Such a foul mouth on such a little filly!”

Apple Bloom gave me a look of such utter frustration that I had to laugh. “Ah! Alright, alright. I’m done now.”

“Good.” She huffed.

I turned to leave in the direction she’d indicated. “Make sure you don’t wet the bed with your big girl panties on tonight, okay Sweetie?”

I heard Apple Bloom make an exasperated noise. “What do I have to do to prove that I’m a mare now!? I swear, nopony gets it!”

I’d only made it a few feet, so I turned around and looked at Apple Bloom. “If it makes you feel any better, I still don’t consider most adult Ponies to be adults.”

That puzzled her. “Why not?”

“Too innocent. Too trusting. Too nice.” I shrugged. “Ponies in Equestria have had it easy for a long time. The fire has been bred out of most of you, and the few of you that do have that fire are usually too reluctant to use it.”

“So we don’t commit crimes, aren’t suspicious of everypony, and we aren’t buck heads. Yeah, Max, we’re the immature ones.”

“Who said you were immature? Honestly, depending on who you talk to, Ponies can be some of the most mature people around. However, being mature isn’t the same as being an adult.”

Apple Bloom gave me a ‘What the fuck?’ kinda look. “Don’t you have to be mature to be an adult?”

“You also have to be able to survive on your own without help for ninety-nine percent of the time, be able to be alone, not jump to conclusions all the fucking time, take care of your own business without having to be told to do it, and most importantly, you’ve gotta not be fucking retarded. Out of those five things, Ponies in Equestria tend to fail at least three of them.”

“Which three?”

“Any of them.”

“So you just put your own standards on stuff and call it law?”

I gave her a look. “I’m a Prince, Apple Bloom. That’s literally my job.”

“Oh yeah…”

I shook my head and started walking again. “Have fun, kid. Hopefully I’ll see you soon.”

“I’m not a kid, I’m a mare!” Apple Bloom called after me.

I raised a hand to show that I’d heard her and continued on my way. I wasn’t really sure how I was going to get to the farmhouse since I couldn’t really see past all the trees, but then I started thinking and stopped being a fucking loon and just used my True Theft to pull myself into the barn. When I stumbled in, I could hear the sounds of hammering going on above me, but I was on the floor where the cows are usually kept at night. I didn’t know how many floors were above me since the last time I’d been inside Applejack’s barn was right around the time she’d killed me, but I was willing to bet that there weren’t more than two for me to see. Of course I slapped myself for taking so long to just walk the fuck up there instead of just going and doing it, but we can’t all be perfect.

I got my stupid arse up the stairs and looked around through the dusty light filtering in through the shutters on the first floor. There was a ladder just chilling next to one of the windows, so I assumed that it was how Applejack and Macintosh had gotten onto the roof. Sadly, it was outside and it was blocking the window, so I had to go out and climb up it since I didn’t want to fuck anything up. Getting to the roof wasn’t a big issue since the ladder was sturdy enough, but the slope of the roof made it a bit hard to get around. I found a sweet spot around the middle that didn’t make me feel like I was about to fall off of it, but wasn’t as steep as going to the top.

It wasn’t long before I heard hammering sounds on the other side, so I took a little time to get over and saw the orange and red siblings toiling away at their work. I didn’t want to bother them while they were busy, so I climbed up to the pinnacle of the roof and had myself a seat, looking over Ponyville while I did so. The view was nice, but it wasn’t something I’d write home about. Now seeing Canterlot from Noir’s room is a sight to behold, though it’s still a little odd that Celestia didn’t keep it reserved for Twilight.

Applejack and Macintosh finished up quickly enough, though when they went to climb their way down the ladder, neither of them noticed me. I took that as the perfect cue to start fucking with them, so as Macintosh lead the way down the ladder, I used my True Theft to grab it and give it the slightest little shake. I could see Macintosh tense up and cling to the ladder for dear life and decided that scaring the piss out of someone as they’re climbing down from a potentially lethal height might not be the best idea. Instead, I just pulled myself through the dimensions and put myself next to the barn door so they would pass me on their way to the farmhouse.

As they rounded the corner a minute or so later, I was about to speak to them, but there was a bright flash and a small spiral of fire to accompany a letter from Celestia. The flash was usually used to signal that a message was important, but I’d never received a message from Celestia that involved fire in any way. I assumed that it meant that whatever it was happened to be the most important thing on my itinerary at the moment, but I rarely enough have the time to make for my friends, and I really did owe Applejack a talk after I’d gone and cold-cocked her.

I was looking at the letter as Applejack called out to me. “Hey, Roxy. Wasn’t expecting to see you today.”

I looked to her and shrugged. “It’s nice out and I still owe you a little talk. I would have came by yesterday, but I had business to attend to in the form of a Goat and some arrogant lady. It’s not really a story worth getting into.”

Applejack walked up to me and stopped a meter or so away while Macintosh just came and patted my shoulder before heading off. “It’s fine, Sugarcube. Thanks for comin’ by.”

“No problem. Now, should we just hop to it or do you want to break the ice first?”

She gave me a small smile. “I just wanted to give ya some good news is all. Well, I don’t know how good you’d consider it, but it makes me feel better.”

I returned her smile. “Then let’s hear it. I’ve always got an ear for good news.”

Applejack nodded. “I forgive ya, Max. Well, I’m not holdin’ the fact that you just up and disappeared for two years against ya anymore.”

I blinked a couple of times. “Now why would you go and do that?”

“Because it was just pointless! All I was doin’ was makin’ myself miserable just because I couldn’t get over somethin’ that hurt you a lot more than it ever hurt me. I mean, Twilight’s four years older than you now when she only used to be two, and everypony got to experience so much while you were gone, but you had to go and get your home country sorted out while we all just kept livin’ our lives. Yeah, we were upset that you were gone, but Twilight’s told me that you let it get to you a lot more than you let ponies know.”

I raised a brow. “What does the last part have to do with anything?”

“It’s the fact that you beat yourself up more than anypony else ever would, and you do it on your own without anypony tryin’ to make ya feel guilty. You already feel bad for not being here, so why should I hold somethin’ against you and try and make you feel even worse?”

“Huh.” I pursed my lips.

Applejack looked at me intently. “... Do you need me to say I’m sorry or somethin’?”

“No, I already forgave you. I’m just wondering what made you feel this way.”

Applejack blushed. “N-Nothin’ important. Just kinda came to the conclusion, ya know?”

“You were lying for half of that.” I said blandly.

She looked away. “Can we not talk about it and say we did?”

“Can we talk about it and say we didn’t?” I countered.

I received an odd look for my words. “That wouldn’t do me no good, Roxy.”

I shrugged. “Depends on what it is.”

“Trust me, it ain’t nothin’ for you to be worried about. Why don’t you tell me about that letter in your hand instead of grillin’ me?”

I held up the missive and cracked the seal that was on it. I hate copying other people’s writing, but summaries are fine. Basically, Celestia wanted my arse in Canterlot as of the moment she sent the missive, so I bid Applejack farewell with a quick hug and took off via teleportation. I arrived in the Royal Family room to find no one there, so I took it upon myself to just go to Celestia’s side since I was sure that she was somewhere around the castle.

As it turned out, my next destination was the Meeting Hall, though why the entire Royal Family save for myself was already present, I didn’t know. “Alright, who left the toilet seat up this time?” I asked cheekily.

I received glares from Celestia and Luna while Noir just rolled her eyes. “This is no laughing matter, Maximus.” Luna said scathingly. “One of our most fearsome enemies has joined Discord in The War.”

“Well fuck me up Shit Creek with a cricket bat, why don’t you?” I muttered. More audibly, I said, “So this is a game plan meeting?”

Celestia gestured toward a seat between her and Twilight, most likely reserved for myself. “Join us and we’ll talk.”

I strode over quickly and looked to Twilight. “You haven’t been waiting on me, have you?”

Twilight turned her head in the opposite direction, clearly giving me the cold shoulder. Celestia answered instead. “We have, and now that you’re here, we can finally begin.”

I waited for a moment and looked at her. “... I have nothing else to say.”

She nodded. “Good.” Celestia arose and looked around the round table. “Now is a critical time, everyone. Discord’s army has been growing stronger by the day and now that he’s accessed some of Tartarus, things will only be getting worse. As it is, I managed to shut the gates of Tartarus and Seal them for another fifty years, but it cost me a lot of Magic, and I have no idea how long it will take Discord to figure it out.”

I tapped her arm. “So why don’t we have two more of our people who can enchant Seals go to Tartarus and reinforce yours? If it only takes him days to figure it out, then we’re still doing better than we were.”

Celestia bit her lip. “Luna and Noir must keep their Magic at full capacity until their time comes, otherwise I would have sent them to do so already.”

“Then why don’t you send me? I can put my Seal on it, do some reconnaissance, and pull myself back home if things ever get hairy.” I asked.

“No!” Noir, Luna, and Celestia all said in unison. Celestia was the one to speak first, however. “We are not sending you to Tartarus. Roxanne, that is literally the place where the worst of the worst go to serve their sentences, and many of the people that I’ve personally sent there were only able to be defeated by the Elements of Harmony. No, there are too many adversaries there that would kill you until you stayed dead.”

“Not only would they kill you, but knowing that you are a Prince of Equestria would turn you into a toy for whatever sick desires they may have. Someone of your stature should not be allowed anywhere near Tartarus without Magic that can destroy the entire country itself.” Luna said firmly.

I raised a brow. “I literally can destroy that whole country, ladies. And Shining. Ladies and Shining.” He gave me a look. “What? Do you want to be counted as a lady too?”

“Will you get on with it?” Twilight huffed.

I spared her a glance. “Alright then. So I can kill single targets and wreck armies. I’ll be fine in Tartarus, and as it is, we need all the help we can get with the situation. Keeping me here so I can sit on my hands is pointless beyond all reason.”

Noir rapped the table with her knuckles, drawing my attention. “You are not allowed to go. So say I.”

I gave her a look. “Shut up, stupid-head. My pee-pee is longer than yours.”

Noir raised her brows. “Do you want to bet on that?”

I looked down at my breasts. “Forgot I was a woman.”

“That’s what I thought. If it makes you feel any better, I would only allow you to go to Tartarus if we were hunting for your familiar. Sadly, you no longer possess Dark Magic, so it would be a pointless endeavor.” Noir shook her head.

I held up my ring. “I have Jovia, remember? She’s pretty much as close to a familiar as I want to get unless you count Nashoba.”

Noir barked out a laugh. “Please! You will always be more of a Wolfmother’s familiar than her yours.”

Celestia coughed. “Getting back to the topic at hand, there has been intel coming in of Tirek leading a small battalion against Mareopolis’ oceanward border. Roxy, we need you and Noir to lead the charge against them while they’re still on their boats, and while there will be upwards of thirty, I’m sure that you will find a way to soften the blow against our soldiers.” Something doesn’t sound quite right...

“Is there something you haven’t told me yet? Something terrible and sucky that I don’t even want to know about but have to ask about anyway because it’s important to the mission at hand?”

Celestia sat back down in her seat and sighed. “Yes, there is.”

Luna piped in impatiently. “Tirek is one of the greatest enemies that Celestia and I have ever faced, succeeding Sombra by a wide margin.”

I leaned forward, clasping my hands together and staring at Luna. “Are you seriously telling me that a guy that you two already had trouble with thousands of years ago is weaker than the guy you want to send Noir and I up against?”

“Much weaker.” Celestia murmured.

I looked to Noir. “Oi.”

She looked at me. “Pip pip cheerio.”

I grinned. “Just like taking on the Spanish Armada.”

Noir frowned. “I don’t like boats.”

“Do you like fire?” I asked.

“I like fire, but in small amounts. I say we burn the ships as we make our way through them.” Noir propositioned.

“I’m assuming we’ll be fighting every boat.” There really wasn’t a doubt in my mind.

Noir smiled brightly. “Until we tire of the challenge! If only you were strong enough to be left by yourself when fighting demons.” She sighed theatrically. “Sadly, we will have to stay together, but we can still count the boats as we sink them.”

I gave Noir an odd look. “You haven’t been keeping up with my mental training, have you?”

She tilted her head. “I have not. I assumed that having my knowledge of our techniques would be enough to suffice. Would you like me to stay diligent with your training?”

I waved a hand. “No, you’re misunderstanding. I’m saying that I think I’ve found a way to makes my kicks a part of my flowing strikes, and I’ve reduced the time it takes to slip into it by a full second, so things are looking good on my end.”

“Have you been keeping up on your weapons training as well?” Noir asked neutrally.

“It’s what I’ve been focusing on. I usually start a fight club and wait until my opponent's first strike to get my weapons out so I know how to get them situated quickly, or head into a war and try swapping weapons around to see what feels best. I think I’m liking the Nacht and Kopis combo the most so far, but I’m not quite sure.”

Noir made a face. “You would be progressing faster if I was teaching you.”

I tilted my chin upward at her. “I successfully used the Absolute Berserk technique without dying.”

Her eyes widened. “... Perhaps you could be left alone for a few minutes.”

Celestia looked at us in turn. “I feel as though that technique has not been mentioned before.”

“It hasn’t. It’s a secret that my master passed down to me, which I have passed down to Roxanne, which she in turn shall pass on to her disciple.” Noir said succinctly.

Twilight jabbed me in the ribs. “Why does that sound incredibly dangerous?” She asked in a lethal tone.

I rubbed my ribs. “Because it is?”

Twilight’s eyes practically smoldered from the heat in her gaze. “Get your head out of your flank, Roxy.”

I looked away from her and rubbed my neck. “So when do we leave to go take care of the impending armada?”

Celestia gave me a pitiful look. “It will be five days before they are within our reach. You should be able to see them from the shore, but if you want to take care of them before they even get that close, we will have boats prepared.”

“What about the people on the boat?” I asked. “If we take the armada on from the front, our soldiers are going to get chased down and killed.”

Noir rapped the table again. “I can fly us most of the way there. It will mean that I will not be able to use my wings while I fight, but then again, I am not terribly concerned about it.”

I nodded. “Great. While we’re chewing through demons, what is Tirek going to be doing?”

“Trying to kill you.” Luna said blandly.

“Lovely. So what makes this guy so fierce? Is his Magic overpowering? Is he a great combatant with his hands? Army of highly trained fighters?””

“All of those.” Celestia rubbed her temples. “It doesn’t help at all that he eats Magic.”

“He what, mate?” I asked.

“I’m a little lost here.” Shining said. “Can we back up a bit?”

Celestia nodded. “Of course. Where do you want to start?”

“Let’s start at what everyone is supposed to be doing.” Shining hinted.

Luna rolled her eyes. “There is no need for the Crystal Empire to be involved in this, Shining Armor. This is a Mainland Equestrian issue that you need not worry about. However, we do feel it necessary to keep you informed of the goings on.” Luna stared Shining down, challenging him.

He backed down, but Cadance stood up. “Let us help! I don’t know what we can do, but there has to be something Shining and I can do to make this easier!”

Celestia sighed. “There is little anyone can do. We need to see if Noir can take down Tirek before we think about reinforcing the Seal on the gates of Tartarus, and if that goes well, then we’ll do it. As for right now, the best you can do, Cadance, is make sure that the Crystal Empire doesn’t get caught off guard while the ill wind is blowing.”

Cadance sat down slowly, obviously disgruntled. “... I guess you’re right.”

“No one likes this, Cadance.” Luna said. “If I could have things my way, Noir and I would be leading the charge against Tirek ourselves instead of having Roxy ‘sub in’ for me.”

“Nothing like fighting demons for your country after all.” I drawled.

Luna nodded sagaciously. “There truly is nothing like it. As one of your mentors, I wish you the best of luck in facing Tirek’s battalion.”

I ran a hand through my hair. “Thanks, but I have another question.”

“What is your question?” Celestia asked.

“What about Adstus? Are they going to be following me into battle?” I asked.

“No. Adstus will be staying with Twilight since one of your members has still yet to see any real combat. Once there is a less challenging battle ahead of you, we will allow Adstus to take part in more skirmishes.”

I nodded. “Good. I was worried about Iron Hoof getting thrown into the fray before she’s ready.”

“I will write Onyx Lock a note and tell him to focus on training Iron and Starshine until they can properly defend themselves against opponents as strong as Swift Strike.” Noir said.

“Yeah, while we’re gone Onyx can get Adstus whipped into shape and we can go kick some arse.” I replied.

“Things won’t be that easy, Roxy. Tirek’s demons are some of the most brutal beings on the face of this planet, and they won’t hesitate to do unspeakable things to you.” Celestia said softly.

“Guess who’s not getting caught in the first place?” I replied.

“You may not have a choice.” Luna said. “There are many techniques that the demons possess that would aid in your capture. This is why you and Noir shall be sticking close to each other while leading the primary assault on Tirek’s forces rather than splitting up.”

Twilight grabbed my hand, though she still wasn’t looking at me. “... Don’t get caught, okay?”

I squeezed her hand. “I’ll do everything in my power to avoid that, Cherry. I don’t want me to get caught either.”

“Good.” She sniffed.

I brought her knuckles up to my mouth and brushed my lips over them. “I’m sorry, Cherry.”

Twilight turned her head toward me ever so slightly. “For what?”

“A few things. For being late today. For going off to do something incredibly dangerous. For doing that thing with Athena.”

“What?” Luna asked. “You can’t seriously be doing this right now.”

Twilight’s ears flicked. “Apologies accepted.”

I squeezed her hand again and scooted a bit closer to her since I was officially cleared to do so. Luna just shook her head while pretty much everyone else looked on in mild confusion. It wasn’t as if it mattered much, but I did understand that the timing was weird. In my defense, getting the cold shoulder from Twilight bothers me more than it would your average person.

“If you two are quite done, we have an incoming invasion force preparing to strike.” Luna said irritably.

“I’m listening, Lulu. What else do we need to cover?” I asked.

Celestia coughed. “You and Noir shall leave at the end of the week to go to Mareopolis, though I suggest that you change into your normal form before you go.”

I looked to Twilight. “Can we do that now, actually? I need to spend some time training before I have to start killing things.”

Twilight gave me a look. “I’m not going to do it before your week is up.”

“I’ll turn you back. Having you stay as a woman only puts a bigger target on your back while dealing with Tirek’s forces.” Celestia said.

A minute later, I was done with the transformation and Twilight and I were walking out of the Meeting Hall together. We weren’t talking, but Twilight let me hold her hand, so I assumed that I wasn’t too deep in the doghouse. Twilight and I were only going to have a few more days to spend together, so it was unspoken that we would spend them together in the comfort of one of our homes, though it would most likely be hers, if nothing else than because she would request it to be that way. I had no problems with it, but Adstus was due to return the next day, so I needed to be home when everyone else was there so I could tell them what was going on. Things were picking up a bit already, but it was important that I maintain a level head until I was allowed to go all out.

Twilight and I ended up spending the night at my place, much to my surprise. When I asked her about why she’d chosen my place, she told me that it was because she missed my bed, but I knew that she’d really just gotten tired of trying to be mad at me and wanted to apologize for being distant. It wasn’t necessary at all, but I loved her for her consideration. I suppose I forgot to mention that Adstus wasn’t happy about their standing orders to sit and train for a while, but when I told them that Noir had a mission for them, they perked up. Starshine was looking forward to using a new poison she’d made, Swift and Crimson were just tired of being inactive, and Iron was looking forward to a chance to prove herself to her colleagues since she was the rookie of the group. Hell, it would probably be her first real experience in combat if I’m not mistaken, but I’m sure that the rest of my team has her back if need be.

For now, I’m tired of writing. I might pick it up when I’m closer to heading toward Mareopolis, but I think I’m just going to focus on spending as much time with Twilight as I can.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

It’s been four days since I last wrote and things have been going pretty well. I’ve taken to doing my own training in the morning, waking up before the rest of my team to train just a little harder and continuing with my training until at least two in the afternoon. Keep in mind that I’m actually pushing myself to the point where I use Noir’s technique to keep going on the rare occasion that I haven’t made it up to my self imposed limit. Yeah, the last four days have consisted of doing more than I thought I could, and then going beyond that. Twilight usually welcomes me home with open arms since she likes the way my perspiration smells, but I always want a shower immediately after she touches me.

As of right now, Onyx and Crimson are handling Adstus beautifully, making the training a little more intense than it has been. Most nights, everyone goes to sleep worn out from the day’s events, but soon enough they’ll be ready for an excursion into the Everfree. As it is, they’re ready for just about any force I’ve ever fought against as long as the numbers aren’t too heavily weighted in the opposition’s favour. No, I think my team will fare just fine, no matter how they decide to follow up their training.

I departed from Ponyville after a hug and a kiss from Twilight and many well wishes from my friends that came even more torrentially than they had been when Twilight let it slip that I would be facing demons from Tartarus. Fluttershy begged me to stay and Pinkie warned me against getting lost in the midst of battle which surprised the fuck out of everyone except me, but I told Pinkie to stay on her own toes and to keep bringing me intel whenever she could. Of course I asked Pinkie to do this for me away from the group, but still. I felt it necessary to mention.

Once I was in Canterlot, I took my time in getting to the Castle since there really was no need for me to rush. If we were running low on time, I would surely be notified, so I walked up to the guards on duty outside the Castle Gates. “Good day, gents. Prince Maximus here for General Noir.” I said pleasantly.

The guards didn’t move an inch, so I waved. “Hello?”

They still didn’t move, so I went over to poke them and found that shit wasn’t even bothering them, so then I started listening more carefully and realized I couldn’t hear their heartbeats. On the contrary, I couldn’t hear anything. That worried me to no end, so I rushed past the guards and into the Castle itself, snatching myself from where I was to Celestia’s side. When I zooped out of the space between the dimensions, I found myself next to a bound and gagged Celestia who was kneeling beside Luna, also bound in a similar fashion. My first instinct was to scan the room for any possible conspirators, but when I looked around the room, nothing was happening. Celestia and Luna were bound, frozen in time, sitting in an empty room, so my next plan of action was to free them of their bonds and see if I could rouse them from whatever illusion was being cast over them.

I cut them free of the ropes that were confining them, but when I looked into Celestia and Luna’s eyes, all I saw was empty pools of magenta and greenish blue, so I left them where they were and teleported myself to Noir’s side, but I wasn’t expecting her to be struggling against a fucking Centaur in the Castle's Grand Hall. The large red fellow was taller than Noir by about half a meter and was far more heavily built. Wielding two morning stars, the bastard was keeping Noir on her metaphorical toes during every second of their clash, not letting up and inch on her. Mordemor was taking a beating like no other, and since I was now in the middle of the fray, I had to get the fuck out of the way before the demonic looking fucker took my bloody fucking head off with a swipe meant for Noir.

With a lunge, I made my way out of the battle zone until I was a few meters away. The big red bastard had no eyes for me, but instead was doing his best to subdue Noir with his twin morning stars. They seemed like they were a real bitch to deal with, so I tried activating my True Magic so I could reach inside of the motherfucker and just end the fight, but when I entered his form, my hand felt like it was catching fire. My little attempt to rip the bastard’s heart out had worked against me since his attention was now on me, but Noir managed to land a deep gash on his chest while he was distracted.

Sadly, Noir’s blow was the only one she was landing any time soon because the big red fucker swung one of his spiked balls at her and sent her clear across the room. He and I locked eyes and I drew Nacht with my right hand, both it and my Kopis already having been on my hips. I kept my left hand free and my right on grip while our time-stopping shit-burglar started walking toward me, his maces swinging gently as his hooves clopped loudly on the marble floors.

“I am Tirek, Lord of Southern Tartarus. What is your name, mortal?” Tirek announced, his voice deep and gravelly, like he gargled with broken glass just to make his voice that much more intimidating.

“My name’s Max, and I’m supposed to be the guy who takes you down.” I answered less than confidently.

Tirek chuckled mirthlessly. “Another mortal to the slaughter. The tall one was fun, but I feel as though you won’t be half the challenge she-”

I snatched one of his eyes out of his skull.

The demon lord-guy-thing stopped in the middle of his sentence and blinked a couple of times with his right eye while the lids of his left simply wavered and flapped creepily. “... Did you just take one of my eyes?” Tirek asked blankly.

I held it up for him to see. “Look here, mate. I don’t think this is going to go down like you want it to. Why don’t we take a rain check on this and we’ll scrabble-dabble-do this later, yeah?”

Tirek reached up and poked his empty eye socket, now oozing a sickly black liquid. “You know I’m going to keep you as a pet and rape every one of your defenseless holes until you die, right?”

A shiver went down my spine. “Tough talk, but I feel like I’m only getting half of your attention. I’ll let you know right now that I’m a wily one; you’ve really got to keep an eye on me.”

Tirek started getting a little too close for comfort, so I threw his eye over his shoulder, hoping that he would at least think to catch it or something. Sadly, he did not and I knew for a fact that he could outrun me, so I did what I thought was best and reached back into the inferno that was the inside of Tirek’s body and pulled him out of the Castle and into the space between the dimensions. After looking around for a little bit, I heard Noir groan and some stones shifting, so I went a ways down the hall and found my mentor picking herself up out of the remains of a pillar. Needless to say, it was a very large and rather heavy pillar, but she managed to get out just fine on her own. I would have helped, but she really did just chug through being buried under a pillar like a real champ. Gold star for Noir.

Noir freed herself after a moment or so of me getting close enough to do anything, so we just looked at each other for a little bit. “There wasn’t a plate on the train that hit you. Sorry.” I quipped.

My mentor panted for a few more moments. “I am going to kill that thing.”

“Well, I shoved him in a special place where we can get everyone together and jump him.”

She looked at me. “... Good boy. Good boy.” She sat down on some of the rubble behind her.

I had a seat on some adjacent piece of pillar. “Got your arse handed to you.”

“I underestimated him greatly.”

“Yeah, don’t do that. Get serious with him next time and blow his face into oblivion.”

Noir gave me a look. “Who made you my Master?”

I grinned. “Why, you did Blackberry.”

She inhaled and let her breath out slowly. “If only I could go back in time that far.”

I patted her leg with my True Theft. “There there, Noir. At least your Master is a guy you taught yourself.”

She gave me a dull look. “And for all the teaching I did, he learned little of how to properly kill something stronger than him.”

I raised a brow. “I’m not the one who just got out of a pile of rubble.”

Noir flipped me off and I just had to smile. She’d taken a real arse whooping and I just found that to be the most amusing little thing. “So what’s the gameplan for when we face him next time?” I asked.

“I kill him a hundred times, you kill him once, and then I kill him a hundred more times.” She replied with finality.

I patted her arm and stood up. “Well, we’ve got to go find Celestia and Luna. I’m sure this time-stop thing has ended by now, and we’ll probably need to get you patched up.”

Noir stood and stretched in an odd fashion. She’d actually dislocated a hip and her right arm while she was busy with kissing the pillar she’d crashed into, and the noises she made while popping her joints back into place were pretty shit, honestly. She was good to go after a few minutes of rest, however, so we alighted to Luna’s shadow. As it turned out, they were still frozen in place, meaning that we were going to have to go back and kick Tirek’s arse before everything went back to normal.

The universe itself hates me.

When Noir and I were as prepared for the coming battle as we were going to get, I dragged us into the place between the dimensions, thinking of landing near Tirek. The motherfucker was simply gone without a trace, and no matter where we looked for him, he was just… Nowhere. It was an infuriating turn of events and I wanted nothing more than to pull his bright red arse to me and have a go, but Noir suggested that we go through the Shadow Dimension and peer at him through his shadow so we know where he’s at. It sounded like a better idea than mine, so we went with it.

After a few seconds of abyssal darkness, Noir waved her hand a bit and then there was light. We were positioned under Tirek, but it was clear that he was on the deck of a boat, evidenced by ropes and wooden floors. Noir stuck her head into the mirror like window and had herself a look around before waving for me to do so as well. Once I’d gotten a good idea of what the ship looked like, I dipped my head back into the Shadow Dimension and Noir brought us back to the castle.

“Alright, first things first: What the fuck do we do right now?” I asked.

Noir stroked her chin. “Undoubtedly this stopping of time has been caused by Tirek eating my True Magic. We must meet him on the battlefield, Maximus, but I will need a day to rest. For the time being, I need you to stock up on energy and prepare for conflict with Tirek.”

I nodded. “I’ve already taken one of his eyes. Here’s hoping I can pop the other one and slip a dagger in there.”

My mentor blinked at me. “You have done what now?”

“I’d show you, but ripping out his eye in the first place was pretty gross. It’s actually around here somewhere, but I don’t know where I threw it exactly.” I shrugged.

“... It may be somewhat beneficial for us to strike Tirek now if that is the case. I wonder why he was not able to eat your Magic?” Noir mused.

I scratched my head. “Beats me, to be honest with you. My best guess is that it’s because my Magic is specifically located in my hand and isn’t an area of effect type deal.”

Noir shook her head. “Something that simple could not be the cause. Perhaps it is the origin of your Magic that keeps it from Tirek’s grasp?”

“Quite likely, I suppose, but are you sure you don’t need medical attention or anything? You did just get sent through a pillar after all.”

“Worry not, Maximus. I have been hit harder in my long life.” Noir said with a pained grin.

“I find that easy enough to believe, but I’m pretty sure you need more than just a little rest.”

She waved off my worries. “I will be fine, my pupil. As tough as you think I am, I am a little tougher.” Almost as if God was watching for shits and giggles, Noir coughed up a little blood and spat out a clot from her squashed nose.

“... Fluttershy” I tapped my chin.

Noir gave me a pleading look. “Not Fluttershy.”

“Flut~tershy” I sang.

“Please. Anything thing but her! Rest me on a bed of nails, hang me in a gibbet, dangle me over a fire; just don’t take me to Fluttershy!” Noir bawled theatrically.

“But she’d take such good care of you!”

“Leaving would bring her to tears and we don’t have much time to stop Tirek. Taking a day to recuperate is already being generous.” Noir said seriously.

“So we go to my house and have Starshine look you over.” I stated.

Noir nodded and offered me her hand, so I took it with my right and pulled us to my house with her left. Our landing was fine, but arriving suddenly in the middle of the living room while there’s a discussion going on is strange at the best of times. I picked Starshine out from her usual chair and had Noir take a rest on one of my chairs with higher backs. Noir gratefully took a seat and Starshine ran off to gather some medical equipment, and upon returning with her things, she began to give Noir a pretty decent battlefield diagnosis after checking her breathing and general physical condition. She gave my mentor the clearance to do whatever needed to be done, but for the time being, all that needed to be done was get Noir somewhere she could rest properly and feed her enough to get her Alicorn healing powers kickstarted.

I wrote Twilight a note that told her that Canterlot Castle was frozen in time and that I was pretty sure that only Alicorns or people possessing True Magic could enter while it was trapped in time. I didn’t have much in the way of details about it, but I told Twilight all I could about the situation before I called for Nashoba. She arrived mere minutes after I summoned her and I gave her the skinny on the situation before asking for her help. Nashoba practically jumped at the opportunity to hunt stronger game, and I was thankful that she would finally have a chance to let loose and get her paws dirty with saving Equestria. It would be the first real fight we’d taken part in together for some time, and with her and Noir running the Vanguard, I would be able to pick whatever I wanted from Tirek.

Nashoba went to go comfort Noir (Or mock her) in my room and I spent my time training in my head, practicing with using my True Theft in combat. I didn’t know how well it would work against Tirek himself since the bastard was able to fight on par with Noir, but I did know that I could get close to his level if I activated all three of my life endangering techniques at the same time. Hopefully I wouldn’t need to do so, but we just don’t know how the battle tomorrow is going to go. As it is, I’ve spent a lot of time worrying and writing, but there isn’t much that seems like it’s helping. I really do hope that the battle goes well, for everyone’s sake, but the main thing that’s worrying me right now is the fact that I never got a response from Twilight. I hope she’s okay… Well, I know she’s excited in a good way from our connection, but that makes me pretty sure that she hasn’t read my note. Still, I’m sure she’ll have her own battle to fight or something, so it’s good that she spend her time as happy as possible.

Tirek… I’m waiting until we meet again. Your arse is mine for the taking, and there’s nothing that can stop me from turning you into glue, Seabiscuit.

Chapter Fifty-Four: Stay Cool
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Fifty-Four: Stay Cool

Chapter Fifty-Four: Stay Cool

I didn’t sleep at all the night before I went to Mareopolis. It just wasn’t in the cards for me, and I knew for a fact that Noir was still seething over her utter defeat at the hands of Tirek the day before. We spent the majority of our night in my room, meditating and practicing in the mindscape, each of us honing the techniques we wanted to include in our fight for as long as we could. Sadly, Noir only had her Dark Magic and a bit of her Unicorn Magic left since Tirek had eaten the rest. She was a little limited on what she could do, but I was free to do everything I wanted to and a little more, I just needed the power and speed to pull it off.

Starshine came by every once in awhile to check up on Noir and make sure her condition wasn’t deteriorating, as well as to give us updates on the progress of the poison she was making for us to apply to our blades. They most likely wouldn’t do much more than slow Tirek down, but as long as he wasn’t at top form, we stood a better chance at beating him. Nashoba would be pretty much immune to whatever Starshine could cook up due to her nature as the Wolfmother, but once Noir or myself started landing hits, Nashoba was going to have to try and avoid eating any of what she could rip off of Tirek.

While we were preparing for the coming fight, Nashoba, Noir, and I sat down on my bed for a talk. “So we know Tirek’s a badass when it comes to straight head-to-head, singular combat, right? Why don’t we try blitzing him with someone on each side and Noir holding the front?” I asked.

Noir sighed. “I don’t know how long I could withstand Tirek if he was serious. Whoever fights him head on is going to need to be faster than I to combat him effectively.”

I blinked a couple of times. “Are you seriously saying that you could lose to Tirek?”

Noir made a face. “It is a perfectly palpable possibility. Tirek was able to sweep me aside with little more than a thought when he decided to face you, and I do not know if that was him giving a damn about our fight or simply being willing to take a blow from me to counter-attack.”

I bit my lip. “That’s troubling as fuck. I know for a fact that I can’t do it if you can’t.” I looked to Nashoba.

She looked back at me. “I volunteer to fill the role of decoy. Whether in a straight line or generally speaking, I know that I am faster than either of you.”

“Thanks, pupper. I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important.” I said.

Nashoba nodded. “As your companion, it is my duty to come to your aid when I can. That, and the Wolfmother Sirius once fought Tirek long ago and was victorious. Her knowledge may very well lend itself to our plight.”

“Good to know we have some prior experience to lean on this time.” I sighed. “We know Tirek is fast, strong, and can eat Magic. What else do we have on him?”

Noir rubbed her chin. “When I was fighting him, attacks from the side seemed to get closer than most others. I believe Tirek has trouble turning due to his nature as a quadruped.”

Nashoba sorted. “I have no issues turning.”

“That’s because you’re a canine, Nashoba. Tirek is equine, as in he’s built like me on top, but like a horse from my world on the bottom.” I explained.

Nashoba gave me a funny look. “I don’t understand.”

Noir took over. “From the stomach up, Tirek is somewhat like your normal Pony or Max, but from the waist down where Max’s legs are, there are four hooves.”

Nashoba cocked her head to the side. “That sounds like an abomination of the Everfree. Are you sure Tirek is not one of your children, Max?”

I grimaced. “I’m pretty sure the only Ponies I’ve fucked have been ones that stand on two legs.”

Noir chuckled. “With your previous sexual appetite, it wouldn’t surprise me too greatly to find that you slept with something in the Everfree and it bore you a child.”

I passed her a dirty look. “If I’m such a sexual deviant, why did you let me sleep with you?”

She shrugged. “You cannot call yourself adventurous if you do not try everything at least once.”

“I’d just call that being slutty for perks and quirks.” I replied.

Nashoba yawned. “You two carry on as if we’re not talking about a life or death battle here.”

“All three of us are immortal.” I reminded.

“That just means that we can be enslaved for all eternity. I doubt I will be made into anything worse than a dog of war, but you two could easily be made into servants of any kind.” Nashoba countered.

Noir and I sobered up.

With the horrid thought of having my arsehole turned into a pile of ground beef dancing through my mind, Noir and I started to talk strategy again and left the other topics behind for the night. Morning came sooner than we would have liked, but at the very least we weren’t totally screwed or anything. Hopefully Tirek would still be missing an eye, and even if he wasn’t, I could just steal whatever he replaced it with in the first place. There were a lot of things that could go wrong, but I was hoping for a swift and decisive victory, especially if Tirek was as big a piece in the chess game that was The War as I thought he was.

Nashoba went out to hunt in the late afternoon before we left for Mareopolis, but when we did depart, we had to Shadow Dive there using Noir’s limited supply of Dark Magic. She probably wouldn’t be able to use it in the fight with Tirek anyway, but having it for the rest of the ships we had to conquer would be useful. Arriving in Mareopolis was quick and easy, but the small city seemed like a ghost town when Noir, Nashoba and I arrived. Noir had brought us to the outside of an official looking building, and upon entering it, we were welcomed by a small cadre of guards. A fellow in gold armour that was accented with silver stepped forward from the ranks and greeted us.

“General Noir! The Mareopolis Guard welcomes you!” The leader fellow said.

Noir looked at him sharply. “Greet your Prince before you greet your General, soldier.”

The fellow snapped to attention in my direction. “My humblest apologies, Your Highness! I was ignorant of your appearance!”

“At ease, soldier. What’s your name and rank?” I asked.

“I am First Sergeant Thunder Spark, Your Highness!” Thunder replied.

“Alright Sergeant Thunder, what’s the situation? What are we dealing with right now?”

“All is clear for the moment, Your Highness, but our Pegasus scouts have been reporting that Tirek’s forces are about twelve hours away by ship. The city has been evacuated into the western quarters while the eastern quarters have been properly set up for a siege, as inspected by General Noir herself. Mareopolis is prepared for battle, Your Highness.” Thunder said confidently.

I nodded. “Good news for a bad day. Is there a chariot we can use to get close to Tirek’s ships?”

Thunder looked at Nashoba. “Yes, Your Highness, but getting your Dog on board may be a bit of an issue. It seems heavy.” I really hope she ignores that.

I patted Nashoba’s back. “She’s not the lightest, but is there a chariot large enough to pull her?”

“There are five-pony chariots, so I’d say yes as long as she isn’t trying to move around too much. Our Pegasi might not like having to pull it, but they’ll deal with it.”

“Then get them ready for action as soon as possible. I don’t want Tirek getting any closer to mainland Equestria than he already is.”

Thunder saluted again. “Sir yes Sir! Light Sprint! Run a message to Dark Cloud and Heavy Drizzle! Tell them to saddle up and get prepared for a large load!”

The fellow who I assumed was Light Sprint saluted and took off at a… Well, light sprint. He sure wasn’t wasting any time, that’s for sure. Thunder took Noir and I back outside, along with four more guards, and started rattling off the new developments that had taken place since the last time Noir had shown up. Things like the populace being properly cleared from their homes on temporary provisions, soldiers training day in and day out for a fight that hopefully couldn’t come to them, barricades being set up on certain streets to lead enemies into ambushes, and archers being set up from every possible vantage point to deal as much damage as possible.

While Thunder was giving his report, I was checking my weapons and listening somewhat, trying to memorize everything I could just in case the battle came to town. Things were sounding pretty good as far as our side went, but I knew that our soldiers were inexperienced when it came to fighting, and if these demons were as tough as they were said to be, then it was going to be a fucking slaughterfest unless we just won through sheer numbers alone. With upwards of thirty boats to deal with, I wasn’t sure if our main line was going to hold, especially if the boats were actual full-sized, ocean-worthy vessels. I was worried about the battle most definitely, but I had a trick up my sleeve that I hoped would do me some favours. If I used Sun-fire, Discord would surely intervene, but if I used True Theft in less conspicuous manner… Tirek wouldn’t even know what hit him.

The chariot was prepared for us in a reasonable amount of time and it was a fucking whopper of one at that. That is to say, Dark Cloud and Heavy Drizzle were some fit looking fuckers. Both of them were brawnier than Swift, and their wings were exceptionally large considering that your average Pegasus’ wingspan isn’t more than a foot or so longer than their arm span. When the chariot pullers stretched their wings, they easily had a meter of clearance from their fingertips as they limbered up. Without Celestia and Luna to move the planet or heavenly bodies, or whatever the fuck it is that they do, the day was stuck in twilight, with the Moon being slightly higher than the Sun on the horizon. Further west in Ponyville, the day was still bright and sunny, meaning that it was probably getting fucking hot since there wasn’t a way to make the heat let up. It had already been quite warm before our trio arrived in Mareopolis and it was quite cool in the new city. If for no other reason than to make the climate even out, we needed to get a move on and defeat Tirek.

Now, I’ve never ridden in a flying chariot before, but it was fucking terrifying to say the least, even if I could technically fly with my Telekinesis. Yes, I’m fucking great at climbing, but no, I don’t like heights. It’s weird, I’m weird, we all understand that now, yeah? Moving on. I spent most of the three hour trip trying my best to crush Noir’s hand and keeping a fistful of Nashoba’s thick fur. They were ambivalent about my show of fear before the fight, but I had a feeling that they were hoping that I’d get the fuck over it before I let it get to me. I chilled out around five minutes after I first sighted the ships in the distance, my focus shifting to the task on hand. I had two reliable warriors fighting alongside me in what was to be my first real battle: not a realistic simulation, or a one on one duel. This was to be a true blue fight to the death between a rather overgrown dog, a rather overgrown Pony, some dude, and an entire battalion of demons straight from a magical world’s version of Hell.

Things were looking pretty good when I considered that I would be fighting alongside a Battle Queen that had won more wars than years I’ve been alive. Things looked even better when I counted the Dire Wolf with over ten thousand years of fight experience of all kinds and Magic older than Equestria itself (As a nation). I myself happen to be not shit, so yeah, I had a few hopes that we might come out on top. They were few and far between, but it’s not like it bothered me much. I’ve always been an adapter, ready to face whatever life throws on my plate, and I’d been preparing for the initial assault for months; probably years if you counted my time in the mindscape. I had the tools I needed to pass the test before me, but my main focus was lasting until the finale.

The chariot took us up high into the clouds, flying over each of them for a while. We eventually landed on one of the larger ones when we got closer to Tirek’s ships, and from there, Dark Cloud and Heavy Drizzle unharnessed themselves and pushed the whole damned thing over the lead ship in Tirek’s armada. Noir got out and looked over the edge when we were properly positioned, and when she told me to jump into her arms, I was quick to tell her that she’d lost her damn mind. Nashoba made the jump without any issues, so I had to follow suit, otherwise I risked looking like a pussified little bitch, and that just wasn’t what I wanted to do.

The moment my hand met Noir’s, we were on the deck of the ship below us and we had little time to waste. Nashoba sprung into action straight from Noir’s arms and I followed suit about a second after seeing her lunge for her nearest target. I turned and looked ahead of myself since we were facing opposite directions, my hands quickly going to my weapons as I beheld the mast of the ship. I nearly ran into the netting on the damned thing before I got it through my thick skull to climb the wide, rough ropes. There was a demon directly above me on his way down from the Crow’s Nest, and from my point of view, the dude was hung like a cat. The loincloth he was wearing offered me a full view of what he had to offer and I wasn’t impressed in the slightest.

It took me a second to concentrate while climbing and another to rip the demon from the mast with my Psychokinesis. After a quick yet thorough glance at the deck below, I picked a pack of priggish pillocks to pitch my demon at and took three down at once. The guy I threw actually got torn the fuck apart by his comrades when they were getting back to their feet, but I didn’t sit and watch the whole ordeal. From my vantage point, I looked around the deck and saw Noir and Nashoba fending for themselves pretty well from the head of the ship. They were slowly gaining ground from the bow, giving me the idea to start wreaking havoc while they were maintaining the majority of the attention. I looked down after climbing another meter or so and saw three red-faced demons scrambling up the netting at an alarming pace, so I decided that the best place to be was underneath them. I stole myself from the ropes and placed myself on the deck, the break from action giving me time to formulate a plan.

The first thing I did when I re-entered Equus was look up. The second thing I did was reach into the chest of a random demon and pull its heart out. I rinsed the technique off and repeated it two more times before I turned my attention to the main group to do it some more. I was thinning out the herd pretty quickly on my own until one of the demons realized what I was doing and came after me. That one attentive mother fucker rallied four of his comrades to turn around and charge me, but buy this point, I was starting to get good at what I was doing. By the time I killed the last demon that had broken from the mass that was bombarding Noir and Lupa, it was taking me less than two seconds to stretch my hand forward and draw it back with a pitch black heart within its grasp. I didn’t count how many of them I killed that way, but the stack of hearts beside me grew pretty rapidly and continued to grow until I recognized Nashoba as she broke through the ranks. I figured it was time to get some steel dirty, so I abandoned my winning tactic of sitting back and letting my companion and my teacher take the brunt of the fight while I picked off the stragglers.

I drew Nacht and my Kopis—I really need to name it… How about Arsene? It’s not the first time that name will serve a thief. Alright, so I drew Nacht and Arsene simultaneously as I started toward the remnants of the fray. There were only about fifteen demons left at this point, and if my guess was any good, the ship couldn’t have held much more than a hundred of them. I know I got at least twenty of the fuckers myself, so when I started hacking my opponents in the back like the honorless knave I am, I was considering asking Noir and Nashoba if they were going to start pulling their weight anytime soon. I thought better of it quickly enough due to memories of being accidentally hit by them and ending up in more pain than when I got hit by a normal Pony.

One of the demons I went after actually turned around after hearing one of his kinsmen biting the dust behind him. As with most of the demons, he looked pretty humanoid save for the horns and small wings on his back. The mottled red skin and inhumanly green eyes kinda gave them a Krampus kinda feel, or rather, it made them feel like evil elves that wielded hooked blades. I’d seen one that was such a deep shade of red that it seemed black with a scythe, but the one in front of me appeared to be one of the rank and file ones. We measured each other for a moment, but I don’t like trying to engage in thought battles with my opponents. The fellow got a nice surprise when I closed the two meters between us in the blink of an eye, landing a slash with Arsene on his upper right arm. He’d gotten his blade up in time to block Nacht, but the curve of Arsene was more that he’d anticipated.

For the oddest reason, I felt like having my blades touch his for too long was a bad idea, so I backed off for a moment and dashed in again before he could get his feet set, giving me an opportunity to score another gash on his thigh while simultaneously putting me behind him just long enough for me to whip around and cleave his head from his shoulders. While his noggin was flying, I did a speedy three-sixty to see what was going on around me and saw Noir and Nashoba cleaning up the last of the demons on the deck.

After stowing Arsene, I started pulling hearts from anything under foot that moved, leaving the pitch black what-the-fuck-evers wherever I pulled them from. The deck was awash with black blood, and as I finished up with my task, I heard Noir pick her way through the corpses behind me. We turned to face each other and waited for Nashoba to join us before saying anything.

Noir was beaming like she’d won the fucking lottery or something. “Today is a good day to shed blood, is it not?”

Nashoba barked twice. “Agreed. These demons are just challenging enough to be fun, but not terribly dangerous.”

I chuckled. “You two are insane, but I’ve got to say that our plan worked well. Having me get clear and start picking apart the ship worked like a dream.”

“As I had hoped that it would. Now, to the back of the ship so we may begin our true assault!” Noir proclaimed.

“It’s called ‘the stern’.” I informed cheekily.

Noir passed me a look. “To the stern then.”

I smiled and lead the way with my two companions flanking me. When we got to the back of the ship, I realized that we had a lot of fucking boats to work with, but I didn’t let the amount of targets daunt me for very long. All I had to do was scoop like I was picking up after Nashoba in the park. With a dark grin and a raised hand from Noir, I waited for her signal to begin the real shit. Her hand came down swiftly, but mine stayed underneath the sea, as large as my body. It didn’t stay underwater for much longer, however. When Noir gave the signal, she’d set the nearest boat to ours alight with Dark Fire. My job was to sink the ship, so I used my True Theft to reach into the ocean, expanded my hand until it was probably as large as I was, and used my cheatsy, absolutely bullshit power to take meters upon meters of planks from the hull. It was as easy as pulling candy floss apart.

The ship we’d targeted plunged suddenly once I’d made my pass, but even as a wave hit the deck and started to sweep it under, the black fire continued to dance on the wood, even flickering above the dark blue water when the deed was done. The occasional speck of fire was visible above the waves, even after the ship itself sank, but Noir was quick to tell me that those little specks were actually demons that couldn’t put the fire out. I’ve never burned to death, nor have I ever drowned, but I have a funny feeling that doing both simultaneously must suck more than doing either separately.

Since we were dead in the water, (The sail was loose and barely caught wind) Noir and I had ample time to pick off twenty-eight more ships as they either tried to ram us or escape far to the north and south. It really was as easy as Noir had said it would be after we’d gotten settled on one of the boats, but that scared me a little bit. I was able to sink the twenty-ninth ship with little to no difficulty, but the final three refused to go down, no matter what I tried. They were gaining on us quickly, and since we just didn’t have the amount of people to man a fucking ship, we were shit out of luck, about to have to face at least three times the amount of soldiers we’d defeated thirty minutes ago. That wasn’t even accounting for Tirek himself, who would be on one of those three ships, so imagine my dismay when I realized that I couldn’t even touch the three ships that were left.

“Noir.” I said softly.

She turned towards me. “We are running out of time, Maximus. Hurrying would be in our best interest.”

“Duly noted, doubly disregarded. I can’t touch them, Noir.”

I continued to stare out over the ocean over the last kilometer or so that stretched between us and a fate worse than death while Noir and Nashoba gave me their full attention. “What do you mean when you say that you can’t touch them?” Noir asked cautiously.

“I mean that there’s some kind of barrier protecting the ships. It goes under and over the water.” I replied numbly. “If there was ever a time for a tactical retreat, it would be now.”

“... Mareopolis won’t hold against the rest of Tirek’s army.” Noir said quietly.

Nashoba started turning slow circles. “The people of Mareopolis will only die but once. We will die many times.”

I nodded gently, watching as our time to run grew shorter and shorter. “If we run, Mareopolis is fucked. If we don’t, we are.”

Noir put her hands on the ledge/railing-thing that ran along circumference of the ship. “I have never fled from a battle and I refuse to do so now.”

“I’ve run from a lot of fights,” I admitted. “and it was because I either knew I was outmatched or I knew nothing good would come of it. We’re rather outmatched.”

My mentor cut me a glare that I saw from my peripheral vision. “Do not be a coward, Maximus. I have taught you better than that.”

I didn’t bother to take my eyes away from those three ships. “You’ve taught me to never get up, but you never taught me to eat a loss for the sake of preserving my pride.” Which will be ripped away the moment Tirek gets his hands on me.

Noir growled ferociously. “Run as you please, if that is how you feel. However, should you choose to do so, do not even think to utter my name.”

“It’s pretty fucking stupid not to run, Noir.” I replied evenly.

“I have to say that I agree.” Nashoba said.

“And how do the rest of the Wolfmothers feel about that?” Noir spat.

“My mother agrees with the decision I have come to. Shira thinks you are a fool.” Nashoba responded flippantly.

I could practically feel surprise coming off of Noir in droves. “Truly? I would think that my former companion would be loyal to our ongoing trend.”

“Nope. Shira has had thousands of years to calm and wisen. She says that we should not be here.”

“Are you going to leave?” I asked noncommittally.

Nashoba whacked my leg with her tail. “No.”

“Ah-ha! Take that, coward!” Noir cried triumphantly.

I finally turned away from the incoming ships and gave Noir a look. “The fuck said I was leaving? I’d rather die a thousand times than let a thousand people die because I was too chicken-shit to step up.”

She blinked. “Oh.”

Nashoba chuckled. “Even I knew that he wasn’t going to run. If Max doesn’t want to be somewhere, it is completely within his power to leave.”

“Huh. I was wondering why you had chosen to stay and talk instead of just going.” My silly mentor said.

I shook my head. “How could I leave? I can’t call myself a Human if I leave my sister behind, nor could I hold my head above cock-level if I left my vassal slash teacher. Plus, I’m the only one who’s done any real damage to Tirek, so if I go, you two would be dealing with a situation that’s far beyond FUBAR.”

“Foo-bar?” Noir asked.

“F-U-B-A-R. It means ‘Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition’.” I explained.

Noir laid a hand on my shoulder. “Yes, FUBAR would be a good acronym for it.”

“Eeyup.” I replied.

“What do you consider the situation to be right now?”

“Right now? Right now is the time where the three of us join hands and paws and pray for God to take us before our buddy gets over here.”

“Optimistic.” Nashoba said blandly.

“Well, what the fuck do you want me to say? We’re a special kind of boned, screwed, fucked, shit out of-” I did my best to break my jaw.

Noir gave me a funny look. “Have you lost your mind?”

I spat out a little blood and looked up to the sky. “Athena! Maximus calls for your aid!” I shouted to the sky.

“He has lost his mind.” Nashoba mused.

Noir squeezed my shoulder. “Maximus?”

I held up a finger and kept looking for a sign, listening for Athena somewhere on board. There was no sign of her, so I tired, “Athena! Roxy calls for your help!”

Like, not even two seconds after finally giving up hope, (When we could see individual soldiers on the remnants of the armada) Athena was standing behind me and a second or so after that, things escalated. They escalated hard. Noir had Mordemor at Athena’s neck, Nashoba was looking for a reason to pounce, and I was considering taking a wee before we got down and dirty with the hurty. Well, it’s not so much that I was considering it as I was doing it from the figurehead of the ship, but the other way makes me sound like a normal badass, so we’re sticking with that. I’d cross it out, but then a good portion of this paragraph would be missing and it wou-

Fuck. I can’t believe I got writer’s block doing a fucking journal! Seriously, how do you not understand how to relay the events of your batshit crazy life? I mean, what I live through doesn’t need any Goddamn embellishment; write down what happened and get that shite right. For Christ’s sake, it shouldn’t be this difficult!

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I was taking a piss off the front of the ship, with no real hope to speak of, when Athena let her presence be known. Sadly, she did so while less than half a meter away from me, so that got the attention of my companions as if it was honey and they were flies. Only, this honey was a single dollop in the center of a hive of Africanized Bees that didn’t actually eat nectar, but were insectivores. Athena had me by the balls and has a lot more juice than Noir, Nashoba, and myself combined. I had to get Noir and Nashoba to stop poking the friendliest bear we had in the open water as soon as possible, so I let Mini Me hang free and kinda turned my head.

“Wotcher Your Majesty.” I said.

Athena looked at me, completely unimpressed. It kinda hurt my feelings. “Where is Roxy?”

“You’re looking at her.” I shook three times (Because twice just isn’t enough sometimes) and zipped up. I turned around carefully since I was on the fucking figurehead and looked Athena in the eye. “Can I cash in one of those favours now? Like, right now?”

The Goddess of Wisdom did a pretty good job of boring holes through my head with her gaze. “You are Roxy?”

I pointed at my eyes. “The eyes give it away. Not many people have dichromatic eyes these days.”

Her lip curled. “So you are a Shapeshifter.” Think carefully, mate. Word this wrong and your arse is grarse.

“No, I use Magic to go between the sexes. I can’t turn into anything other than the male and female versions of myself that I know of, and I’m anxious to find out, so if you wouldn’t mind with that favour…?” I tried.

Athena slapped my shit perfectly. It was swift, yet powerful. No contact with the heel of her hand, directly aimed for the middle of my left cheek. It hit spot on, and I was frankly amazed by the sting. “That is for deceiving me. You have consumed a favour for your error.”

I rubbed my face. “Thank you.”

Noir had been standing by with her sword brandished. There was no point in stowing it if we were about to be within boarding range in just short of an hour. “You do not thank me when I slap you.”

“That’s because your slaps aren’t as flawless as hers. Like, there’s no real ache to speak of, but the sting lasts a good while.” I replied.

Athena nodded. “You are welcome. I am leaving.” Not yet you dumb cunt!

“Wait! I need to actually ask you to do something!” I said hurriedly.

She rolled her eyes. “What do you want?”

I pointed at the ships we could see. “Could you sink the ships that we’re not on please?”

Athena lazily glanced at each of the ships in turn. “You might want to ask Poseidon for that. I doubt he will help you, but he will be more likely to do something than I.”

My heart sank a little. “So you’re not going to help.”

The Goddess of Wisdom shrugged. “I do not deal with boats. They are not my domain.”

“Come on, Athena! Just this once!” I pleaded.

She looked at me for a moment and thought about it. “Well… I would be remiss to sully the reputation of the gods by not helping you, even after I said that I would.” She touched her cheek and gazed out toward one of the boats. “I trust you cannot sink these vessels because of the barrier around them?”

My heart beat a little faster. “That’s exactly it!”

Athena waved her hand. “Sink them yourself, Chosen One.”

I wasted no time in reaching out and scooping the hull from the boat Athena had been looking at, and when I did, it actually fucking worked! I was incredibly hyped up, ready to keep going when I realized that Athena was already gone. Still, even if she didn’t want to stick around and watch us work our Magic, she’d come to help and that’s all I really wanted. Sadly, that was the only ship I was able to sink by myself because the barrier that had been protecting them before returned moments after Athena left, but I wasn’t complaining. Our odds of survival had just leapt through the roof!

Noir, Nashoba and I all teamed up on the middle of the deck of our ship, waiting for the boarding to start. There would be no real place for me on the battlefield, so Noir advised me to get up into the Crow’s Nest and start picking off people that I could see from the last two ships. I could see many of those on deck just fine, and reaching them with my true Theft was no large feat. It must have just been the boats themselves that were protected against my endeavors, because I claimed a fucktonne of lives in just a few minutes. Hell, I’d thought that I wouldn’t be able to do much before we got started, but one heart at a time, I thinned the herd and manage to take out half of the demons on deck. The ship on the port side was looking like it was wanting for a little love itself, so I turned my attention from the starboard side and got to work.

Something fun to mention is that, because of all the blood and bodies in the water, there were quite a few dorsal fins noticeable. They slid out of the water and dipped back underneath with a little ripple in the waves, and it didn’t really help that I was trying to feed them by chucking demon hearts into their home. Noir told me to quit wasting time by feeding them, so I resolved to just start scrambling demon brains to save a little time, and that worked out pretty well.

While there were demons still trying to get off of the deck on the starboard ship, I saw them all freeze and scramble back onto the deck moments before Tirek came from belowdecks and started bellowing at them. It was too windy from the Crow’s Nest for me to hear what he was saying, but do you think that I really gave a fuck? I wasted no time in trying to reach into Tirek’s chest so I could rip his heart out, but when I tried to do so, his insides were so hot that I felt like I fucking scalded myself. I brought my hand back to me just as quickly as I’d put it in and my True Theft faded, leaving me with a bright red and rather tender hand. Reaching into Tirek’s physical being kinda sucked.

Sadly, I didn’t get much time to try and let my hand heal because the ship from the port side had finally managed to land some grappling hooks on the railing of our ship. I spent a good few minutes just cutting those lines along with Noir, hacking away at the ropes until they stopped coming. I continued picking off those who were stupid enough to show their faces until no one came to board. Our ships literally touched, but there was no one to board us by the time it had gotten to that point. Nashoba went to go inspect the ship for any stragglers, and while she was doing that, Noir and I were fighting off more grappling hooks from the ship Tirek himself was on. I never considered how lucky we were that he didn’t have archers until just now. That would have made things considerably less possible.

Thank God for cannon fodder. Extremely brutal and dangerous fodder, but fodder nonetheless.

I expected the hooks to stop coming after five minutes and around forty of them being thrown, but they kept coming, meaning that Noir and I had to keep cutting them as they came. Up until Nashoba bolted from the ship she was scouting, things were looking alright for the time being, but when she came from the other ship, she lead fifteen or so demons straight onto our own vessel. She took care of most of them herself, however, dancing about them, charging and juking beautifully. Nashoba’s movement’s reminded me of how Amateratsu moved in Okami; graceful yet effective. Refined and sharp, but blunt and brutal when one needs to be. If only Nashoba could hold a sword in her mouth. She’d do a great Sif impression.

Noir could handle the grappling hooks by herself for a little while, so I turned my attention to dealing with the threat that came from behind. I helped Nashoba finish off the last few before getting back to the task I was performing before, but Noir had finished up with things quite nicely. As it was, we had a few moments before things started getting bloody, so I started scrambling more brains on Tirek’s ship. When I got through about half of them, Tirek absolutely lost his shit and let loose a bellow that made my perch vibrate, a shout of such absolute rage that made me fear for the sanctity of my anus.

Noir backed away from the side of the ship as Tirek did the same. I knew for a fact that the ships were easily at least fifteen meters apart. There were like, ten of me head-to-toe across the gap between us, but would you like to guess fucking what? Would you like to know what the fuck happened? Tirek got a running start and fucking cleared fifteen meters like it was nothing. With a resounding clomp, Tirek landed on the deck of our ship with a large battle axe in hand. The thing’s double sided blade was easily as large as my entire fucking torso, and it was even wider than I was. I had no doubts that it was heavy and sharp, but the satanic looking thing had already distracted me for far too long. Noir and Nashoba had to keep Tirek busy while I killed the last of our other ‘friends’.

I heard Tirek engage my comrades below me on the deck, but I had to do my part, so I kept on faffing about in demon brains until I couldn’t see any of them moving on the other ship. Once I was done with that, I looked down to the deck to see that things were already looking bad. Noir had taken a cut high on her thigh and was trying to keep the majority of Tirek’s attention so Nashoba could try and tear off one of his legs. I didn’t think that was working too well for them, so I teleported down onto the deck and start slashing away at Tirek from a distance, my True Theft allowing me to hit him as I pleased. Arsene never sank too deeply into his flesh, however, so I tried stabbing him with Nacht, only to find out that I couldn’t get very far with that either. However, Tirek’s attention took a sudden turn toward me since I’d been doing the most damage to him, and that meant that I got a chance to look him in the ~~eyes~~- eye.

Tirek was still missing the eye I stole from him, so I decided to make sure he had a matching set, but this time, I didn’t bother throwing it at him to see if he would catch it. No: instead I popped it into his mouth and waited for him to do something, my body tensed up and ready to move at the slightest hint of movement. Then he roared. Shortly after, he choked on his eye.

It was fucking funny.

While Tirek grasped at his throat after the shortest roar I’d ever heard, Noir slammed Mordemor into his head, the steel biting deep into his skull. Tirek froze at the contact, the sword entering one of his eye sockets, but instead of being dead like any rational person, he removed Mordemor from his face and threw a lightning fast punch at Noir, one faster than I could even hope to follow. He was still choking on his eye, but there just wasn’t any hope for us when it came to overcoming that strength gap.

The demonic Centaur suddenly started bucking and flailing his hands, trying to hit whatever he could. I didn’t think he was going to get very far like that, especially with Nashoba and I targeting the belly of his lower half, trying to spill his entrails like stuffing from a teddy bear. We aimed for the same general area and took turns with attacking, me with my sword and her with her fangs, each of us showing just a little more of Tirek’s blood, which was darker than wine, until we finally manage to see the bone of his ribcage. It was a brutal way to deal with him, but there was little we could do against someone as tough as Tirek.

I felt a sudden spike of despair for no discernible reason, but for some reason, I knew it wasn’t coming from me. I did, however, assume that it was from Twilight, so my next order of business was to finish Tirek off quickly and efficiently. If my normal weapons weren’t working all that well, then I would switch to using my Psychokinesis to slash at Tirek. My first strike landed hard, knocking him to the ground, but not cutting through his thick hide. My second strike hit him in the neck, but the only thing that broke was the deck below, so I quickly changed strategies and pulled the Warbling Blade from its sheath.

After going my entire day without using my knife, I actually kinda forgot about it, but then I remembered that this specific knife was magical as fuck and had a propensity for doing damage to things the proper way. With the blade in my left hand, I reached through the dimensions and started stabbing Tirek wherever I could while Nashoba continued to worry away the flesh around his ribs. The Warbling Blade sank down to the hilt every time I plunged it into Tirek, and after I did that a few times to his face and head in general, he eventually stopped moving, but I wasn’t prepared to let it go there. With Tirek’s soul as my soul target, I reached out toward him and pulled with all of my might, the fire inside of him having dulled down to a sticky, muggy kind of heat.

Tirek’s soul was pretty large, and from the feel of the damned thing, it was made of iron, wrapped in osmium, and coated in concrete just to make it that much fucking heavier. I’ve literally picked up pieces of Goddamn stars before, but a soul is heavier than a few million pounds? Weird shit, but either way, I struggled against Tirek’s body for a few minutes while Nashoba ran off to check on Noir. She’d been blown the fuck away by Tirek’s punch again, and I highly doubted that she was just okay. Still, I needed Tirek’s soul for some shit that you don’t need to worry about, so I only took a quick break to bring Noir to my side.

She was sopping wet like most women’s knickers whenever I give them my patented look, but this time it wasn’t just the area between the legs that was drenched. Noir was unconscious, but I figured that she would be fine with a little time out of the water, so I went back to the task at hand and continued trying to pull Tirek’s soul from his corpse. I must say that it was an arduous process, but I finally managed to weasel Tirek’s soul from him after another round. I don’t know how long it took since I left my pocket watch at home, but I know that when I got the little bugger away from him, I quickly shoved it out into space before I started working on taking one of Tirek’s horns.

That too was the pinnacle of suck, but I would rather be taking a horn from a dead man than just about anything that same dead guy could be doing to me. That being said, after hacking away at his left horn for a good ten minutes or so, I finally got it free from his head and wasted no time in shoving his soul into the thing. It would most likely go right net to Sombra’s horn on my belt, and that made me feel like a real badass, to be honest. I mean Hell, I killed two of the most powerful villains on the planet with my own two hands! Who wouldn’t be hyped up for that? If Athena didn’t get Discord accepted back into the Heavens, I would be claiming that antler of his for my own.

With Tirek’s horn in hand, I turned back to Noir and poked her a few times in the stomach area. She spat up some water after a little bit and drearily grasped her head, groaning. “I remember skipping across the water like a stone.”

“Well, you got your arse handed to you, Love. Not much we can do there.” I said nonchalantly.

Noir bolted upright and started looking around. “Tirek-”

“Dead already.” I interrupted.

She blinked at me a few times. “You and Nashoba slew him without me?”

“Well, we tried slaying him with you, but then he got pissed and knocked you off of the boat.”

“You could not have waited two minutes!?”

“We waited long enough, dammit! You should be happy I pulled your arse out of the water before you got eaten by one of the sharks swimming around!”

“I would be happier if my so called ‘friends’ remembered to include me in the final fight.” Noir grumbled.

“Oh quit your bitching and get up if you’re alright. We’ve gotta go find Nashoba since she went out looking for you.”

Noir continued grumbling all the way until she got onto her feet. “Just wait a moment and I will retrieve her.”

Noir fell backwards into her own shadow and came up through mine with Nashoba in her arms. “And now she’s here.”

Nashoba squirmed. “I am no pup to be picked up, Noir!”

My mentor put her down. “But you are so soft and warm!”

Nashoba growled and I chuckled a bit before Noir picked Nashoba up again. My little pupper struggled until Noir took off, heading upwards with every flap of her wings. I don’t see many of my friends fly that often other than Rainbow Dash, but when I do, it’s fucking weird. I think it’s because I never pay attention to their wings and I forget that they’re there. I mean, I’ve only handled Twilight’s wings a few times, and that was because she specifically asked for it. Wings on humanoid things are fucking strange, in my opinion.

Once Noir had done whatever with Nashoba, she swiftly returned and grabbed me before setting the last of the ships ablaze, though I didn’t get to watch for long. We soared above the clouds quickly, and I remembered that our chariot escort had been told to wait on us. They’d ended up pretty far away since the currents of the ocean and the air were different, but Noir found them again easily enough, and with that, we were on our way.

The trip back to Mareopolis passed uneventfully with Noir, Nashoba, and I all taking a seat in the chariot. It was nice to rest my legs for a little bit after fighting and climbing, but my main focus was rubbing the stiffness out of my left arm and hand. The muscles were cramping pretty hard from being used so much during the heart pulling, but other than that, I only had a few scratches and scrapes from the conflict. Noir was a little battered and had a couple of good cuts from Tirek’s minions and the demon bastard himself, but they had stopped bleeding some time ago and were already on the mend with a little help from her Dark Magic. Nashoba came out of the fight the worst, having been stabbed a few times and receiving a slash across her muzzle. She looked like a fucking war dog or something, and I dearly wanted her to see if she could wield Mordemor in her mouth. The Sif comparison had only gotten more real.

While we licked our wounds, (Literally in Nashoba’s case), Dark Cloud and Heavy Drizzle were doing their job and doing it damn well. Those guys deserve another mention, so here it is. Cheers to the taxi drivers, yeah? Anyway, we touched down in Mareopolis and First Sergeant Thunder was found pretty quickly. He gave us a mission report on how things had gone on shore while we were fighting out at sea, and when he subtly tried asking about how the battle had gone, Noir just flat out told him that we’d left no survivors and that he may have to worry about clearing the beaches of corpses for a few weeks. That made the fellow turn a little green and I wondered just how he would have fared in a real fucking fight. If just hearing about the grisly news made him want to hurl, what good was he going to be when bodies started dropping in front of him? Having such a high ranking officer be afraid of death really drove home just what kind of situation I was dealing with when it came to the Equestrian military.

With that out of the way, Noir told the guy that the coast was clear and that we would be leaving shortly. After a quick trip to the loo for Noir, our little trio went back to Canterlot and Nashoba requested that I send her off to Uror’s grove so she could give her a report, so I gave her a hug and took her there myself. Noir tagged along a few seconds later, rising from my shadow while Nashoba went straight to the Matron and started telling her about Tirek’s forces and his involvement in her getting hokey-poked. Uror’s face grew stormy until Nashoba got to the end and told her that I’d managed to kill Tirek, and when she did, Uror turned to me and offered me a boon of some kind for taking ‘That insufferable menace!’ out of the picture.

I considered it for a little while as Noir and Uror caught up a little bit. Nashoba went off to sleep in the shade of the Yggdrasil and I sat down nearby while the lovebirds roosted for a little bit, not saying a word between them; just enjoying each other’s company. It made me long for Twilight’s embrace, but first, I had to go and see if Celestia and Luna were unfrozen. I left Noir and Nashoba to rest and went to the last place I had seen The Royal Sisters, and while I wasn’t expecting anything in particular, I can honestly say that I never would have expected to catch them kissing each other while holding hands like primary schoolers snogging for the first time. Shit was weird.

“... Yeah, I’m going to need you to to stop.” I said awkwardly.

Celestia and Luna froze in place, their heads turning toward me almost robotically. “How did you get in here.” Celestia asked blankly.

I held up my left hand and pointed at it. “Oi.”

“... Can you leave?” Luna asked impatiently.

This is a once in a lifetime chance… “Can I watch?” I asked brazenly.

Celestia and Luna turned to each other once more and had a conversation through minute facial expressions and Woman Power™. After a minute or so of intense silent debate, they both turned toward me. “Don’t write about it.” Celestia ordered.

I grabbed my easy chair from my house. “I shall not.”

And then there was tea. Well, I didn’t have any tea, but Celestia and Luna had a lot of hot, steamy tea that I didn’t get to take part in. It was fun to watch them sip their tea calmly for long periods of time, but then down it all in one go when the time came. I’m surprised neither of their cups ran empty, even after three hours into the tea party. I guess they were doing so much… Talking, they never had a chance to really drink. Some of the things those women say over tea are quite worthy of repeating, but only if you know them personally. At the end of the party, it was explained to me that being tied up was one of Luna’s favourite things and that Celestia was in semi-estrus, so they put two and two together and had a tea party like they usually did whenever they didn’t want to go find a third party for their tea related needs. I was actually pretty damned lucky to have been invited to one of their tea parties, even if I was only an observer. I wish I could have had a cuppa, but Twilight would destroy my anus if she knew, and I would hate to piss her off for nothing.

After tea, Luna fell asleep and Celestia wasn’t quite satisfied, so she took some tea to go. Once she was dressed and cleaned, (Tea had been spilled everywhere), Celestia asked what had happened and I gave her the full rundown of what had gone on with Tirek and how he’d frozen time in Canterlot. She was shocked to find out that I was the one who had actually killed him and that Noir had been defeated by him twice in as many days. I was probably going to get a medal or something for fending off three thousand or so enemy soldiers along with Noir, but honestly? I didn’t give a shit about being recognized for doing anything. I was just glad my arse had made it out of the frying pan and onto the countertop. Granted, we weren’t out of the woods yet, but there was still time for bullshit to happen.

When I finished with my report, Celestia asked her questions and I answered them until she ran out, though that took a little time. Afterwards, she mentioned that I looked like I could use some time at home, so I pulled myself to Twilight’s house and knocked on the door. I waited for a few moments before Spike answered the door, his face rosy and his belt looking like it had just been buckled in haste. It also smelled like candied apples and there was a musky scent that I’d smelled from Spike a few times.

I raised a brow and smirked. “Twilight’s not home.”

“W-Well, no.” Spike paused. “How did you know that?”

“I took a guess. Go back to having fun, mate. I’ll catch you later.”

“Uh… Bye?”

I turned around and waved as I left, but I was mostly trying not to think about Spike shagging Apple Bloom. Like, period. It’s just a weird concept for me to think of people that I knew as kids becoming adults in that way. It’ll be weird to get used to Spike and Apple Bloom seeing each other in a more intimate way, but all I really have to do is not be a prude about it and relax. They’re not going to end up with a kid or something, so it’s not like it’s dangerous. Man, come to think of it, being a different species in a land full of oddly horny aliens is fucking dope. I can’t get anyone pregnant, I’m exotic as fuck, and even if there were sexually transmitted diseases here, I wouldn’t be able to catch them. It’s perfect for being a slut, but now that I have Twilight, it’s kind of just going to waste. Man, getting tied down kinda sucks when you think of things in that perspective.

I need to get back on track.

I left Twilight’s house and meandered about town for a little while before heading to Sugarcube Corner to see if I could pick up some of Twilight’s favourite chocolate covered kiwis. I don’t know why she likes them so much since I find them absolutely disgusting, but she likes them and I like it when she’s happy, so I was willing to pay the special fee the cakes had for chocolate coating whatever you gave them. It was actually pretty cool since they had a fountain in the back of the shop, but I’d only ever seen it once and that was when Pinkie and I got drunk and started baking. Well, the other time Pinkie and I got drunk and baked. Actually, that’s happened a few times, but I digress. I had to buy my kiwis in Canterlot, but True Theft made that task a cinch, and after I got back, I went to Sugarcube Corner and got down to business.

Once I had my gift, I headed back to Twilight’s via True Theft and stuck the box with her little snack in her ice box so the chocolate wouldn’t melt. However, as I was leaving, I felt Twilight’s presence somewhere nearby. Naturally I focused on it and was able to glean that she was coming down the road, about thirty or so seconds from being back if she kept up her pace. I figured it was a good time to get settled in, so I put Arsene and Nacht back in my house along with Sombra’s horn, but kept Tirek’s horn so I could show off my trophy. I didn’t think Twilight would get the same joy from it as I would, but I was sure that she would appreciate the signs of victory anyway. I mean for fucks sake! Dude’s horn was strapped onto my back like it was a fucking sword or something!

Twilight came in through the front and I just chilled out nearby until she came to find me. When she and I were face to face, we greeted each other with a kiss first. “I can’t feel anything too painful from you, so I’m guessing your fight with Tirek went well?” Twilight surmised.

“Well, Noir got her face wrecked twice and we had to call Nashoba in to help us deal with the fight, but we were okay for the most part. Nashoba got banged up pretty good and Noir needs a little time to heal up, but things went pretty well. They really could have gone worse.”

My lover hugged me. “I’m just glad you’re alright, Max, I really am. That being said, I really don’t want you to take offense to this when I ask, okay?”

I held her. “If you’re asking how I got out of the skirmish with minor injuries while Nashoba and Noir actually got hurt, it’s because they were taking the brunt of the action while I was using my Magic to thin out the masses. I probably have more kills than either of them, but it’s not like we fought everyone individually. I’ll fill you in on the rest of the details later if you want. I need a shower and some affection at the moment, so if you don’t mind…?”

Twilight kissed my cheek. “Yeah, but please don’t leave your clothes here. I don’t know what that black stuff is, but it smells awful.”

I grimaced. “I was hoping that it was just me who could smell it. Do you mind if I used your shower real quick then?”

She smiled. “What’s mine is yours, Amour. You know that by now.”

I kissed her cheek. “Always the benevolent sweetheart, aren’t you? I’ll be back in a trice.”

Twilight beamed brightly. “I’ve got exciting news for when you come back, so hurry up!”

“Will do, Cherry.”

Without wasting anymore time, I ran up the stairs to Twilight’s room and quickly gathered the necessary materials for a shower. Shower stuff happened. Once I felt like I smelled good enough (Because that’s how I judge my cleanliness), I pulled myself straight from Twilight’s bathroom to her side, sticking the landing without stumbling or faltering for the first time. I’d finally caught the trick of pulling myself somewhere when I wasn’t in a hurry, and it was to do it gently. My fiance had been walking around her living room while reading a couple of books at the same time, so I startled her with my speedy arrival.

“Oh! Max, don’t just pop in next to me!” Twilight said, feigning indignation.

“You’d prefer it if I just popped into you, yeah?” I said cheekily.

She blushed lightly. “That’s not what we’re talking about right now.”

I gave her a lascivious grin. “So you say. Why don’t we talk about that a little sooner?”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Can I share my news now?”

“Waiting with baited breath here, Cherry.”

She gave me a look. “I know you’re interested, but when you say that, you sound like you couldn’t care much less.”

“I’ll avoid saying it in the future, if that’s how you feel.”

“Thank you. So my big news is huge, Max, and I mean it’s the best thing since Alicornification.” Twilight smiled widely and fidgeted like she was waiting for me to inquire a little further.

“Alright, now the suspense is killing me. What happened?”

“Guess.” She said playfully.

I raised a brow. “You found the perfect someone to spend the rest of your life with?”

“That’s old news, silly! Guess again.”

“Hmm… You finally became a Princess like you’ve always dreamed?”

Twilight spread her wings and put her hands on her hips. “Not quite, but you’re getting closer.”

“I don’t think I’m going to get it, Cherry.” I chuckled.

She smiled some more. “Alright, you’re never going to believe this, but the girls and I went into the Everfree where the Tree of Harmony lies, okay?”

I nodded slowly. “Okay. Why were you there?”

Twilight swayed from side to side. “Well, I wanted to see if I could find a way to help you against Tirek since it sounded like it was going to be a tough battle, so I asked the girls if they wanted to see if the Tree of Harmony would do anything to help you out. Thus, we went into the Everfree, but when we got there, there was a stranger in a cloak that told us to return with some stuff that I recently had a dream about.” Wait, what?

“Hold on. So you’re saying that you had a dream about some random objects and some weird bloke in the Everfree told you to bring those exact things to the Tree of Harmony?” I asked, creeped the fuck out.

She nodded excitedly. “It was so strange! I knew something was up then and there, but it seemed like there was a connection between each of the individual things that I had the dream about: They were all things that we’d received from someone whose life we’d touched in a positive way. Rarity brought a spool of Rainbow Thread she got from a mare she helped, Fluttershy brought a flower from Seabreeze-”

“Who?”

“Not important right now.” Twilight waved my words aside. “Still, we all had a gift from something we did.”

“So what was your token-thing?” I asked.

Twilight twisted her engagement ring. “I’ll give you a hint: It was the best gift I ever received, and it was from the most amazing man I’ve ever met~”

I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Now I’m glad I proposed.”

Twilight gave me a fake angry look. “Are you saying you weren’t before?”

I shrugged. “Eh. I just want you for your body, but since you won’t let me have it…”

She rolled her eyes. “Can I get on with my story?”

“Please do.”

“Thank you. So we all brought the stuff from my dream to the Tree of Harmony, but nothing happened. We didn’t know what was supposed to happen, so we kinda just talked amongst ourselves for a little while, bouncing ideas off of each other until Pinkie tried shoving the rubber chicken she got from Cheese Sandwich into a chest that had six keyholes-”

“Wait, so why didn’t you guys try that earlier? You had six items, and if there was a chest at a magical tree, I would assume that it’s magical too. That compounding-”

“Shush!” Twilight pouted hard. “Let me tell my story!”

I gestured for her to continue and so she did. “Anyway, the rest of us brought our tokens to the chest, and much to our surprise, the tokens turned into keys!” Twilight waited for me to respond.

“Fucking radical. What happened after that?”

Twilight practically vibrated. “Everyone got like, a complete makeover! Oh Max, you would have to see it for yourself to really appreciate it, but the girls all looked so beautiful! All of our Magic was pooled together and there were new accents to our manes and wings and little sparklies on our eyes-” She balled her hands up and held them to her chest, making the most adorable little squee of excitement. “It was the coolest thing ever!”

“Cooler than The Covenant?” I asked, quite amused.

“Oh my gosh, it was so much cooler.” Twilight gushed. “I mean, I love you to the ends of Equus and back, but you should’ve seen us, Max! I never thought we could ever look like that.”

“Can you play your memories back and show me?”

Twilight’s face lit up. “YEs! Oh my gosh yes!”

Her horn lit up just moments later and she took my hands in hers before I touched my forehead to the tip of her horn. Her memories flashed into my head and I saw exactly what she was talking about, but I can’t say that I found it all that interesting. I mean, they looked like glammed up dolls that little girls played with, and I wasn’t a little girl. They looked cute and all, but it just wasn’t my thing. That being said, when Twilight looked at herself in a mirror, I actually felt like she looked less attractive with all the extra nonsense. I mean, her wings were fine being monotones instead of being tritoned, and her mane looked kinda weird with a pale yellow stripe in it. She had little stars on her face that reminded me of that old cartoon… Rainbow Brite, I think it was.

When Twilight and I separated, she looked disappointed. “You barely care.”

I gave her an apologetic smile. “You looked cute.”

“Well yeah, but I was just hoping that you would be more excited about it.”

“Cherry, I’m a man. Cute is nice, but it’s probably never going to mean as much to me as it does to you.”

She sighed. “Maybe I should’ve been a lesbian.”

“You can still be a lesbian.” I said, hurt.

“Yes, but you weren’t born a woman, Max.”

“I know some transgender people that would be very upset with you right now.” Reminds me of the time I accidentally pissed a guy off because I called him ‘her’. Dude was pre-op, in my defense, but I still cussed him out for snapping at me over little shit. Punk ass snowflake.

Twilight gave me a look. “Don’t you have something you want to show me too?”

“Well, it’s just a spoil of war.”

She flinched. “It’s not a necklace of ears or something, is it?”

“Universal Soldier was good, wasn’t it?” I said to myself more so than to Twilight. “Yeah, no, it’s not ears. It’s a fucking massive horn.”

“That’s weird, Max.”

“It’s the fucking dog’s bollocks, babycakes.” I said cheesily.

She sighed. “Let’s see it, then.”

I pulled it from her bedroom and presented it to her. The horn itself was about two meters long, give or take (mostly take) a foot or so. It was about as tall as I was and a little curvy, but it would be an awesome addition to my mantle whenever I got home. “So? What do you think? It’s pretty awesome, isn’t it?”

Twilight looked at the stump on the end. “... Did you rip that off of some giant bull or something?”

“Nope, I cut it off of Tirek’s head.” I said proudly.

Twilight turned a little green and teleported it away. “I just put it in the basement. I’m going to try and forget about that while we walk.”

“Where are we going?” I asked, tilting my head.

Twilight smiled. “We’re going somewhere special. It’s the most exciting thing about the Tree of Harmony!”

“Huh. I’ve never actually seen that, to be fair.”

“No, silly! It’s not the tree itself; it’s the result of the chest that was with the tree!”

I blinked. “Oh. Was it a big chest?”

Twilight grabbed my hand. “No more questions, okay? Let’s go see it!”

“Lead the way, milady.” I tipped my imaginary fedora.

Twilight looked at me like I was fucking retarded. “Never do that again.”

“I won’t. I felt like a lolicon virgin.” I shuddered.

“My neck feels itchy.”

“So does mine. Are we gonna go see the thing or not?” I asked.

Twilight teleported us just outside, not even a meter away from the steps, before she started dragging me further into town. I kept pace with her easily enough, but her grip was tight and she was babbling excitedly the entire way there. Twilight was so hyped up, I felt like I was back in England at an E3 where Valve announced fucking Portal 3 and Half-Life 3 simultaneously while giving everyone in the audience free copies of each. This shit had her that hysterical. When we were getting toward the edge of town, Twilight magicked up a blindfold and lead me at a more sedate gait toward whatever the surprise was supposed to be. I was keeping my mind clear so I wouldn’t try and think of what it was, but there were obvious factors I had to take into account.

Whatever our enigmatic surprise was, it had to be somewhere between shack size and gargantuan, which wasn’t much of a hint to be honest. The thing had to be magical in nature since it came from one of the oldest sources of Magic in the Everfree, and Twilight said that during her first kiss with Uror, the Matron had given her a lot of information on the Everfree in general, but not much on the tree itself. Although, she did tell Twilight that she predated the Tree of Harmony by at least fifteen hundred years, give or take a decade. That being said, the tree had to be a relic of some ancient whatever, so whatever the surprise was, it was most likely going to be older than fucking Noir. Ancient magical being and/or structure, by my deductions. I wasn’t terribly fond of Eldritch beings and I’m still not, so I was really hoping that it was a fucking pond or something.

When Twilight finally stopped and told me that I could take off the blindfold, I was a little more certain about what I was facing. I could smell water in the distance, clean and fresh. It had a mineral-esque scent that I get from certain types of stones, but I don’t know what the fuck they are. Still, it told me that the water was probably good to drink, but I didn’t know of any streams or anything on this side of town. Not this close, at least. Another thing was that I couldn’t feel the headwind that had been blowing steadily while we’d been walking, so I assumed that a large object was blocking it, and since I couldn’t smell any mammalian, reptilian, or avian scents, I was pretty sure that it was a building.

What a fucking building it was.

I removed the blindfold and gazed upon a grand castle, far larger than any I’d seen before with how much space it took up. The grounds were surrounded by a seven meter tall wall that seemed to stretch on and on, the bricks of the wall being made of a ashen looking stone, nearly white but with crystals of grey and black streaked throughout pell-mell, reminiscent of a birch tree with smaller blotches. However, the black spots seemed to be shrinking away as the grey spots faded slightly as they expanded, making the wall turn a pale shade of grey that still sparkled and gleamed as the light hit the crystals. I’m rather sure that it was some kind of magical granite, but I can’t be sure.

The gates in front of the walls were tall, arching higher into the air while two heavy polished silver doors sat in front, blocking out entry. The doors themselves were unremarkable, but I did notice that there were two smallish circles near the bottom that were equidistant from each other, dead set in the center. One of the plates was glowing for a reason unbeknownst to me, but I reasoned that it had something to do with Twilight due to the light emanating from the door being purple and pink, but that is nowhere near as interesting as the mural that was engraved on the left door. Twilight herself stood with her hand pressed against the inward edge, her horn depicted as a glowing beacon. It was a fantastic representation of her, to be frank, but it did make me wonder if I was supposed to be the other half.

I turned my attention to the castle itself after having been impressed with just the fucking walls and gate, and I just… I stared blankly at the massive opaque crystalline tree in front of me. It was easily as tall as the Crystal Castle, and it dwarfed Canterlot Castle by a pretty fucking decent margin. Each branch of the tree had a spacious balcony jutting out from it that I couldn’t really see since I was practically under it, but the sheer enormity of the place… It was a palace fit for an Emperor. I was awestruck by the magnificence and grace that the castle held, but when Twilight squeezed my hand and got my attention, she pointed to the group of people at the door who were most likely trying to find a way in. I asked Twilight if anyone had flown over to see what was inside and she said that she’d made it a Royal Edict that no one was supposed to fly over or enter the castle before the Royal Family was assembled. The girls were already there, but I wanted Adstus to be present as well, so I asked Twilight to go tell the girls that I would be back in just a moment.

After a swift collection of the members of my team, Twilight and I split up to go get Celestia, Luna, Noir, and Cadance. Twilight collected the Royal Sisters from Canterlot while I collected my mentor and ‘~~living playtoy’~~. Cadence’s words, not mine. Fuck, I wasn’t supposed to write that down. Scratch.

So we got the important people together including both of our families. When our crowd of twenty-two fucking people was assembled and ready to roll, Twilight and I took center stage in front of the door and she placed her hand on the little silver disk to the right, making it glow a little bit brighter. It also made the engraving ripple oddly, but I found that to be absolutely enchanting since it made Twilight’s eyes blink and follow people as well as make her hair ripple as if blown by an unfelt breeze. My fiance turned to me and I placed my left hand on the left plate, watching as the door transformed itself before our very eyes.

The engraving seemed to simply fade into existence from the depths of the door itself, but what a flattering engraving it was! My hair was perfectly coiffed without making me look too ‘royal’ or uppity in general, instead looking as I usually keep it: just above my ears. The engraving even got the waves of my hair right, and I could swear that I felt a breeze blowing through my own locks, just as it was in the depiction. My own pose mirrored Twilight’s, but my face lacked the calm, gentle smile that Twilight’s had. My countenance was one laced with cynical tendencies and skepticism, like I was was waiting for someone to lie to me so I could catch them outright. It was actually pretty indicative of how I felt Twilight and I would rule: She would be friendly and courteous while I would most likely be the iron fist to her velvet glove.

After a few moments, Twilight and glanced at each other before looking back to the door and pushing. The engravings themselves altered their poses, the rippling effect on both doors continuing on as we pushed. My silver doppelganger stared down at me with his arms crossed as if he expected me to do something worthy of mention while Twilight’s door smiled at us warmly when we looked at it. When we pushed the doors open wide enough for our group to pass through, the guardians of the doors looked out toward the rest of the party. My engraving nodded once and seemed to lean back up against a wall and Twilight’s extended a hand gesturing for us to turn our attention to the castle grounds.

The group assembled with the Royal Family in the front while Twilight and I took point. This was obviously supposed to be our domain, so it was common sense to let us lead the charge. The grounds themselves were massive, covered with fruit trees of all kinds with strange animals I’d never seen before stopping some distance away from us to inspect their visitors. There were a lot of patches of open grass among the orderly rows of trees, each brick-laid path leading somewhere unseen. There were a few Jackalopes that were the size of English Bulldogs, melanic Deer with piercing green eyes, a white Bear with a black star on its chest and a shock of black fur gracing its head. Similar creatures could be seen all around, including a bluebird that was practically made of icy flames and a Lion with a silver mane and golden coat.

The Lion and the Bear came forth beyond the semicircle the rest of the animals had formed, stopping a short distance away from Twilight and I. They looked to her for a moment, but then turned to me and narrowed their eyes. Something told me that Twilight had passed their test with aplomb while I was more of a ‘wait and see’ kind of deal. As I stepped forward, Twilight stuck by my side and thus we waited to be addressed by the predators in front of us.

The white Bear spoke first. “You two are the prophesied ones?” She asked bluntly.

“I suppose we are.” I answered a bit numbly.

The Lion snorted. “Then the time has come for the world to be at war. Have either of you met the Matron of the Everfree?”

“Max, what are they saying?” Twilight whispered.

“They’re asking if we’ve met Uror, and the answer to that is yes. She’s an ally of ours.” I replied.

The She-Bear came over to sniff me. “You smell of darkness.”

“I’m not necessarily a nice guy. I admitted.

“Then you shall be my charge.” The Lion said flatly.

“The Lion says I’m gonna be his student or something, so I’m guessing our bear friend is going to be your counselor.” I said to Twilight.

She smiled nervously at the Bear. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Likewise, Twilight Sparkle.” The She-Bear replied.

Twilight’s eyes flew open. “You speak Equuish?”

“We can speak whatever Two-Leg language we need to.” The Bear replied matter-of-factly.

“Quite useful.” I said.

“It is.” The Lion stated gruffly. “We know who you are, but you do not know our names. We are Aurum and Urana of the Arcadian Tree. I am Aurum. She is Urana.”

Twilight nodded. “I’m guessing we’ll be hearing from you two pretty often?”

“If you live here, then yes.” Urana said.

“Moving is going to be a pain in the arse.” I muttered.

“Don’t be a cub.” Urana admonished.

I gave her a look. “Just let me complain, will you? It makes me feel better.”

Aurum groaned. “I’m dealing with a grown cub.”

“You two kinda suck, you know that?” I said irritably.

“That was an insult, but it means nothing to us.” Urana responded.

“More of his complaining. You deal with him.” Aurum tried.

“We settled this matter seven hundred and ninety-three years ago. End of discussion.”

Aurum groaned as I took a deep breath. “Alright, whatever. Do either of you know Nashoba?”

Urana looked at me. “We have been hidden away from the world for nearly eight thousand years.”

“... Do you know of the Wolfmothers?” I tried.

“Yes, we do. Are you affiliated with them?” Aurum asked.

“I’m the companion to the current one with the previously mentioned name.”

“Whose daughter is she?” Urana asked.

“Uh…. Asena, I think.”

“Never heard of her.” Aurum said bluntly. “It has been too long. If you are her companion, then summon her to us so we may begin getting caught up on the matters of this world. As you may have guessed, this is your territory so tread as you please.”

“That’s pretty great.” I said.

Twilight squee’d again. “Max! Do you know what this means!?”

“We’re moving in together?” I replied hopefully.

Twilight embraced me, hugging me tightly. “Yes!”

There were a few whoops and hollers from our group, many of them voicing their congratulations on our progress, but then something struck me. “Twilight.”

She held me at arm’s length, her eyes twinkling with ideas and plans. “Yes, Amour?”

“Here.”

She blinked at me, still smiling. “Here?”

I nodded thrice. “Here.”

Her jaw dropped a little and she looked up at the castle, then back to me. “Oh dear Heavens. Here.”

“Yes!” I gushed.

Twilight squeezed me again. “We have it here! Oh Max, this is so perfect!”

I wrapped her up tight. “When?”

She froze and narrowly avoided hitting me with her horn. “We need to start as soon as possible!”

I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. “Fucking Hell. Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow!”

We hugged each other and Twilight stood on my toes as I rocked us around in a circle before our lips met. We turned to our friends and family and spoke in unison. “Everyone! We start decorating for the wedding tomorrow!”

Twilight and I were immediately swarmed by those closest to us, packed together in the mass of people that we had assembled. Hugs were passed around, sometimes with multiple people coming in for one. It was probably one of the happiest moments of my life, having most of my close acquaintances there to witness Twilight and I getting a place together. It was a superb way to begin The War: A victory on the coast, and a random boon from the mainland made for an occasion worth celebrating, but that moment wasn’t quite the time. We still had to get inside and see what the Tree Castle’s insides looked like.

When Twilight and I were finally freed from the mass of congratulatory loving, Aurum stepped up to me. “Maximus, lower yourself.”

I knelt in front of him and he touched his nose to my forehead, giving me the layout of the Castle in just a few seconds. Urana didn't have to ask the samje of Twilight since she was so damned tall, though I assumed that she got the same treatment. When our advisors had passed on their knowledge, they departed, leaving us to explore the depths of our new domain. Twilight and I took the lead once more and we all strolled down the grey brick path that lead up a ways to the Castle itself.

As we walked down the path, we saw more creatures straight from mythology, such as Foxes with multiple tails. The number of tails often correlated with their sizes, and I even saw one light silver Fox with nine blue-tipped tails. It seriously looked like a shiny Ninetails, and I wanted nothing more than to go and talk to it for a moment. Twilight picked up on my eagerness and we made a beeline for them, though once it realized we were walking towards it, the Fox started coming towards us. We stopped a decent distance away from each other under a tree that had fruit that looked like the Zap variety of peaches. I reached up with my True Theft to grab one and held onto it for a moment before talking to the Fox.

“Hullo, friend. Do you mind if I ask your name?” I inquired.

“I do not. I am Kurama. It is an honor to meet the prophesied ones.” Kurama said pleasantly.

“Could you tell us more about this prophecy?” I asked.

“None here know much of it. We have long forgotten the full verse, but we do know that it depicted both yourself and Twilight Sparkle perfectly. Those of us that can feel Magic knew that our time to be released was coming nearly three years ago.” Kurama answered.

That answer shocked me, but Twilight was even more amazed. “Wow!”

“Wow indeed.” Kurama chuckled. “Just as Aurum and Urana are your advisors to the mundane, I will be your advisor to the effervescent, the intangible. If I may meet the Specter sleeping within your ring…?”

It took a moment for it to click in my head. “Oh, you mean Jovia.” I tapped my ring twice and waited for a moment.

Jovia seeped out of the ring quickly enough, yawning and stretching as she did so. “Good morning, master. How may I serve you today?” She asked blearily.

“Wotcher, Love. I need you to meet the nice Fox behind you, if you don’t mind.” I said.

Jovia looked at me funny before turning around. She jolted when she saw Kurama, which was fucking funny to me. I stifled some chuckles as Kurama asked Jovia to follow her for a walk around the premises, but as they walked away, they faded into the Ether like they’d never been there in the first place. Shrugging, I took Twilight’s hand in mine and we walked onward to the castle itself.

Seeing it up close and personal gave me an appreciation for the fucking enormity of the damned thing. Like, it was easily a hundred meters tall, reaching up towards the sky much like the Crystal Castle did, though the CC was probably a bit shorter. It certainly had more room to expand than any other castle I’d been to, but I did find it strange that it was just a singular building rather. From the inside, however, I could see that the walls could be manned and that there were battlements with cylindrical portions jutting out from them. I figured that those thick, granite walls were hollow on the inside, and from the looks of them, they were probably pretty spacious.

There was a moat around the Castle itself, fed by a river that hadn’t previously been on this side of town. The source was outside of the Castle walls and the river ran straight through the area, forming a neat little circle around the base of the tree and continuing on through the opposite side. Rainbow, Noir, and Spike all flew up and took a survey of what they could see. When they returned, Noir told me that the place was shaped up like a perfect Pokeball and that it was even more beautiful around the back where all sorts of flowers were growing. There were bridges on both sides of the river, so before we crossed the moat and went into the Castle, we went around back to see what it looked like.

There really was an astounding mix of flora and fauna in the garden-like area behind the castle, but what made me happy was the training-ground-looking place that encompassed about half of the space. The grass in that quarter of the grounds was a dark bluish-green that looked soft, and there was plenty of training equipment that seemed like it had been well looked after. There was an obstacle course, a smattering of pull-up bars, a climbing wall or five of various heights and difficulties, a full track with two tall posts as starting points, and as identified by Twilight, rare, incredibly large and fragrant flowers that would energize those who sat under their petals. I was super hype for that, but the Ponies are what they are and were far more interested in the delectable flowers that were lined up in tidy rows.

Something incredible to note was that the flowers that were eaten grew back within the span of sixty seconds, aided by the ambient Magic in the air. Those of us who could use Magic were already well aware of the sheer amount of power flowing inside the Castle walls, but only Twilight and I could tell that there was a massive rune built in. The brick paths were most likely leylines, if Twilight’s guess is accurate, and they would do something when fully activated, but we couldn't tell what it was just yet. No, we left that question for another day, though Celestia was rather intrigued by the prospect of Ancient Magic and Twilight was already brainstorming up ways to find out what the rune was supposed to do.

We eventually schlepped our way back to the Castle’s entrance, but we didn’t know how to lower the damned drawbridge. Celestia and Luna offered to be the ones to get it since they had some experience with it from charading as guards for fun, so they took care of it quickly enough, and thus we entered the Castle’s slightly lower inner walls. These were only about four meters tall instead of being seven, but they were still too high to see over.

The inner walls held two types of trees in rows. The trees on the left obviously represented me with their dark grey trunks and blue leaves of varying shades, and the ones on the right had to be Twilight’s with the amber-coloured bark and foliage in hues of purple and pink. The doors ahead of the trees were large and ornate with an etching of yet another tree, though this one had leaves that rustled in the same unfelt breeze that had blown in the doors prior. I have to admit, the Celtic stylings of the tree were simply lovely, and when Twilight told me that the engravings on this door were just as magical as the ones prior, I was fucking elated.

Once we’d cleared the strange trees and had entered the Castle proper, bricks were shit. Shitted. Shat. Bricks were expelled through the anus boyo, and that’s all that matters. The high vaulted hallway was absolutely astounding with Magic stained glass windows that allowed light to shine through what should have been solid wall, and those windows often depicted something either Twilight or I had done. My achievements were again on the left side while Twilight’s were on the right, and as we walked down a damn-near literal ‘memory lane’, we stopped at some interesting ones and told the stories behind them since a lot of the group we’d brought hadn’t been around or heard them before.

Twilight told tales of friendship and kindness while my stories were littered with bodies like, half of the time. Still, seeing our greatest accomplishments immortalized in the windows of our very own Castle was fucking radical beyond belief. The sculptures and various other knick-knacks that lined the hall were interesting to say the least, and many of the glass cases on our respective sides were generally representative of our personalities. Twilight’s side, for example, held books with long-forgotten names and a menagerie of jewelry and other such relics while my side held daggers, swords, the occasional axe, and more than a few sets of rudimentary lockpicks of different styles. The whole experience started to feel a little eerie to me, but I could barely feel the unease through Twilight’s euphoria. We were both happy, but my perfect purple plum was positively rhapsodic while I was stuck in a well of staggered joy that just made me smile like a fool while we walked.

There were a fucktonne of halls that lead to all sorts of different places, but Twilight and I knew where we wanted to lead everyone first, so we started with the Throne Room which was in the middle of the palace. When we reached it, we saw first hand that the ceiling in the room was actually the very top of the Castle itself. Walkways circled the room on different levels, and from my reckoning, there were about ten of them. Applejack had to hold Rainbow back from zipping around the room, but no one could get a hold on Pinkie, though it’s not like anyone even fucking tried. The Great Pink Menace hadn’t said anything outside of congratulating Twilight and I on our revised wedding plans, but she was making the strangest noise as she spazzed out completely. One moment there was a normal throne room and the next there were party decorations everywhere, and I do mean everywhere. No one understood how it happened and there were no questions asked.

Instead of enjoying the party, we moved on to exploring the rest of the Castle with our next destination in mind. The Dining Hall was fucking massive, though it was a little on the Spartan side. Rarity said that it was perfect since we could turn it into anything we wanted to, but I didn’t care all that much, to be honest. Twilight already had plans for it by the time we left the room and was talking excitedly about them to the ladies of the group while Spike, Crimson, Swift, Onyx, and Shining were all asking me about what I planned to do with the suits of armour that were strewn about the halls. Night Light stayed next to his wife, though I caught his casting the odd furtive glance in my direction. Crimson also noted that and he brought it up in conversation.

“Hey Max.” He said softly as the rest of the fellas were talking.

“Yeah mate?” I said at the same volume.

“You’ve noticed the guy with the mares, right?”

“Night Light, the guy who keeps looking over here.” I replied.

“That’s the guy who practically tried to torture you when you went to train with the Canterlot Guard?”

“Yup.”

“Same guy who stomped on your head?”

“Yup.”

“Same guy who happens to be Twilight’s Dad?”

“Sure is.”

Crimson looked his way. “When do you want me to break his kneecaps?”

“Preferably never. Look mate, if Night Light gets hurt on my watch, Twilight’s going to be pissed, so take this as your warning not to fuck with him on my behalf. If Twilight gets mad at you and wants me to do something about it, I’m probably going to have to fight you for doing something nice for me.”

Crimson made a derisive noise. “You’re as tame as hay, dude.”

“Fuck off. I like keeping my woman happy because it makes me happy.” I replied.

He made a whipping noise and I may or may not have hit him where the Gentleman’s Sausage hangs its hat. That’s neither here nor there because I decided to get something out of the way while I could and approached Night Light. Those of my friends who were in my path got out of my way when they saw who I was looking at, and when I came to a stop in front of him, Twilight Velvet stuck close by his side. Twilight glanced over before she went back to talking to Rarity, Cadance, and Noir about decorations, but that was pretty much it.

“We need to talk.” I stated firmly.

Night flinched and looked away as Velvet stood in front of him. “By talk do you mean fight?” She asked accusingly.

“No, I mean talk. Word to word, vibrations of the vocal chords being recepted by thin membranes within the ears and nothing else.” I said evenly.

Velvet glared at me. “If you so much as lay a hand on him…”

I raised a brow. “Did Twilight tell you about our agreement?”

She lost some of the steel in her eyes. “She did.”

“Then trust Twilight to know whether or not I’ll break that promise.”

Mother looked at daughter and their eyes met. Twilight looked at Velvet for a moment before looking at me and tilting her head. I pointed at Night Light and she nodded sharply, excusing herself from the conversation she’d been having.

When she came over, Twilight stood next to me and smiled at her parents. “Is everything alright?”

“Max wants to talk to Night Light.” Velvet answered tersely.

Twilight sighed. “It’s about time they talked about what happened, don’t you think?”

“Are you sure he isn’t mad?” Velvet asked nervously.

“Oh, I’m still mad, but I’m not going to pull any bullshit.” I replied.

Twilight nodded. “Even if Max was planning on breaking his promise, which he isn’t, there are more than enough people here who are more powerful than he is. I don’t think he would get far if he had hostile intentions.”

“Besides, Fancy got my licks in for me. I think we’re as square as we need to be.” I chimed in.

Night Light frowned hard. “Fancy was my friend for thirty years.”

“And you pissed it away because you were upset.” Twilight snapped. “Don’t you think for a second that Max had anything to do with that.”

Night Light glared at her. “Don’t you speak to your father like that, young mare.”

Velvet nodded. “That’s right, Sparkle. Don’t forget who raised you.”

Twilight crossed her arms. “I’m not forgetting anything, but I am remembering the times both of you told me not to try and get revenge on those who do me wrong.”

Velvet pursed her lips and Night Light grimaced, neither of them saying anything. Shining and Cadance took the opportunity to join in on the conversation while the rest of the group shied away, giving us space for our talk. The couple from the Crystal Empire stood off to the side of the Twilights, signifying their stance as neutral parties in the matter.

Cadance was the first to speak. “I see this talk is finally happening.” She said warily.

Shining looked between myself and his father somewhat anxiously, like he was expecting something to occur. “It’s not going well, is it?”

Velvet straightened her back a bit. “It’s going.”

“Everyone knows the full story by now, right? Both sides?” Twilight asked.

The six of us nodded simultaneously. “Then I’m sure we’re all on the same page as far as that goes. Does anyone here think Dad shouldn’t apologize to Max?”

Night Light’s face grew red as the rest of us shook our heads. “Did Max ever apologize for abandoning you?”

Twilight looked at him like he was stupid. “Of course he did! He’s done it dozens of times!”

“And he’s still beating himself up over it, if what Max told me is true.” Shining chimed in. “You know how good I am at picking out lies from the truth, Dad.”

Night Light stuck his chin out. “Fine. I’ll apologize for what I did when he apologizes for ruining my relationship with Fancy Pants and Fleur De Lis.”

All eyes turned to me. “Alright. I’m sorry that Fancy took it upon himself to seek vindication for your actions against me.” I said dryly.

Night Light practically glowed with indignation. “How dare you say you had no hand in that!”

“Do we need a truth spell to prove it?” I asked, disappointed in the man before me.

Cadance and Twilight both offered to perform the spell, and when Velvet suggested that they both do it, I was content enough to subject myself to it. “Alright Max,” Cadance said slowly, “who out of everypony in this Castle would you sleep with if Twilight isn’t involved.”

“No one. I’d need Twilight’s permission to do anything with them.” I answered automatically.

Twilight smiled. “But if I let you do it, who would it be with?”

“Luna.” I bit back the reasoning.

The other five people in the group looked at each other. “Why?” Was their answer as a whole.

“I want to shag both of the Royal Sisters and all of the female Royal Family. It’s been a goal of mine since I dated Celestia.” I felt my face flush. “Can we stop with this line of questioning now?”

Twilight sighed. “I guess it was pretty heartbreaking when I told you that you couldn't sleep with Luna, wasn’t it?”

“It was a little devastating.” I begrudgingly confessed.

Velvet coughed. “So… Does that mean you’ve… You know… With…” She pointed at Cadance and Shining, Twilight, the woman in question, and myself all blushed.

My mouth was sealed with Magic. “We really don’t need to go down that road.” Shining said quickly.

Velvet and Night Light both looked at Cadance in abject horror, but Twilight came in for the rescue. “Max, have you ever asked Fancy or Fleur to hurt anyone?”

“No. Never.” I replied once the Magic holding my mouth shut was dispelled.

“Did you thank Fancy for attacking me?” Night Light asked with an edge to his tone.

“Yes. He did something a brother would do for another.”

Night Light fumed. “So you admit it!”

“No. I never asked Fancy to hurt you in any capacity. I did, however, thank him for getting revenge for me since I can’t do it myself.”

Velvet pursed her lips. “... He’s telling the truth. I cast my own Truth Spell when Sparkle and Cadance did.”

Now all the attention was on Night Light. “... Then I suppose I have to apologize, now don’t I.” He muttered.

He took a deep breath and started to speak, but before he could say anything, I held up a hand. “It’s fine. You won’t mean it, so save your breath.”

Night Light let the rest of his air out. “I don’t regret it for a moment.”

Velvet hit him. “Night Light!”

He shrugged. “We’re still telling the truth. Honestly, the only thing that felt better than making you bleed was building my family.”

I nodded. “I understand the feeling.”

Night Light gave me an odd look. “... So you get it?”

“I really do.” I nodded.

“Then you’ll understand when I tell you to go to bucking Tartarus.” He snarled.

Twilight slapped him faster than I could move. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. “You make me sick! Consider yourself uninvited to my wedding!”

“Twily, hold on now-” Shining started.

“You’re just upset-” Cadance tried.

“Sparkle, Sweetie,” Velvet said, panic evident in her voice. “We’re your parents! You can’t honestly tell us that we’re not allowed to come to the happiest day of your life!”

“I can and I will! I don’t see Max holding grudges for something someone can’t control. I don’t see Max revelling in harming innocent people. I don’t see Max standing around, insulting people for no reason.” Twilight’s lip curled.

Velvet looked like she was about to cry. “But Sparkle!”

Twilight leveled a glare at her. “Nothing you can say will change my mind barring a heartfelt apology to Max.”

Shining looked pleadingly at his father. “Dad, you can’t seriously tell me that you don’t feel even the slightest bit bad about abusing your power!”

Night Light turned to him. “I can and I will: I don’t regret a damned thing.”

The other white meat had a face of pure disbelief. “You’re a foal! I can’t believe you’re the same stallion who told me to never hold a grudge!” Well, yours was absolved by Magic, so…

“If you can’t accept that Max feels terribly about leaving Twilight, then I can’t accept you.” Cadance said. “When you feel like being a real stallion instead of some- Some- Self-righteous halfwit, maybe we'll talk!”

Night Light stared at her, but Shining spoke before he could. “This is so petty. So, so very petty.”

Velvet grasped her husband’s hand. “Darling, please! There must be some part of you that knows what you did was wrong.”

Night Light’s eyes shot open. “Not you too! Vel, you can’t be taking their side on this!”

She looked at him, shedding tears. “Your Celestia-forsaken vendetta against Max is going to cost us our daughter’s wedding, NL! Please, I’m begging you!”

His lips twitched and he turned away. “I can’t help how I feel and you should damn well know that!”

“Don’t talk to Mom like that! She hasn’t done a thing to you!” Twilight shouted.

I put a hand on her arm and turned toward her. That meant I could only see Night Light’s hand connecting with her cheek, which in turn meant that I had him in the air by the throat within the next second.

Night Light looked down at me fearfully as I did my best not to crush his trachea then and there. “Lay another hand on her. Do it.” I growled.

Night Light choked out something or other while Twilight grabbed my arm. “Amour! You said you wouldn’t hurt him!”

It took a lot of fucking effort, and I do mean a lot, but I managed to make my hand relax enough to get Night Light back on the floor, but when I put him down, he collapsed to his knees and shook.

Velvet was hesitant to come to his side and Shining looked like he wanted to put himself between us, but couldn’t bring himself to do it. Cadance cast a bubble around Night Light before anything else could happen as Twilight beseechingly.

“Max, it’s okay-” She began.

“If he hits you again, he’s gone, Twilight. I don’t give a fuck if he’s your father or not; I swear I’ll break him.” I seethed.

“And what? You’ll make a liar of yourself?” Twilight asked, trying to guilt me into calming down.

“I swore to protect you from everything I could, and I’ll be damned if I don’t take that to heart.” I said, trying to even out my voice.

Twilight touched my face. “You also swore to never break your vows to me, Amour.”

I held her hand to my cheek. “... What do you want me to do?”

“I want you to let me handle this, okay?” She removed her hand from my cheek but kept ahold of it as she turned to face her sperm donor. “Night Light. Do you have anything to say for yourself?”

He looked at her. “I’m sorry, Sparkle… I- I…”

She looked down her nose at him. “You’ve sunk lower than I thought you ever could, Night Light.” Oh, addressing him by his name… Not a good sign.

“Sparkle, I’m sorry! I apologize!” He said, his eyes welling up with tears.

Twilight’s lips quivered. “Get out. If I ever want to talk to you, I’ll find you. If you try to communicate with me for any other reason than setting up a meeting so you can finally admit to being a bastard, then we’re done. As it is… “ She sniffed. “I can’t see the Dad I loved in your face anymore. You are not my father.”

That was the straw that broke the camel’s back for both Night Light and Twilight Velvet. Night Light picked himself up off the floor as a man with no pride to speak of, and when he finally broke eye contact with Twilight to look at his wife, she refused to meet his gaze.

“... Honey?” He simpered.

Velvet shook her head and strode out of the Dining Hall quickly with Night Light lingering for just a few more moments before chasing after her. When he was out of sight Twilight let out a soft sob and I took her into my arms. I could feel Twilight’s devastation, her anguish, and a piece of me that had to be the slightest sliver smaller than the ruling majority was telling me to go and make Night Light regret everything he’d said and done in the past ten minutes. I did my best to let go of my infuriation in lieu of tracking his arse down and handing him his bollocks on a platter made of raw diamonds.

Cadance laid a tender hand on Twilight’s shoulder, pulling her away from me and gesturing for the ladies to come over while Shining took me aside. Blue, Onyx, Trixie, Noir, Luna, Applejack, and Adstus, (save for Starshine) came over to hear what went down. I explained the situation to them over a brief span.

Noir was seemingly passive, but I could tell that she was pissed. “I killed my father, if it’s any consolation.” And there’s the violence.

Luna huffed. “Such a man would not have been allowed his position if Celestia and I had foreseen his assaulting of two members of the Royal Family.”

“It’s not like you can see the future, so don’t think like that.” I sighed, looking over to the group surrounding Twilight. “I just fucking had to talk things out with Night Light…”

Shining snorted. “He’s a piece of work these days, Max. You saw what he did to Twilight.”

“Which wouldn’t have happened if I’d kept my damn mouth shut.” I rubbed the back of my head.

Crimson lightly punched my shoulder. “If you’re worried about Twilight, don’t be. I don’t know her as well as you do, but she’s a tough mare when she needs to be. She’ll pull through.”

Iron shook her head. “That’s not the point. Max made a judgement call and it blew up in his face.”

“And rubbing salt in the wound is going to help?” Swift shot back.

She had the good grace to look ashamed when she realized she’d literally said that this was all my fault. “I- Er, I’m sorry, I-I didn’t think before I spoke.”

I waved it off. “You voiced your opinion. There’s no point in getting riled up over a statement that doesn’t involve violence or subterfuge in any way shape or form.”

Crimson let out a breath slowly. “I half expected you to blow up.”

“Nah.” Was my grandiloquent response.

Swift took a deep breath, his eyes closed. “If we’re voicing opinions, then mine is that you should be allowed a duel with Night Light to see who’s in the right. The guy only seems to understand violence, so why not let a guy who could take him down three times without really hurting him do just that and call it a new-fashioned duel where no one has to get stabbed?”

There was silence.

“Whew.” I made that sound. “You. Mate. You’ve never met Twilight. She has her heart dead set on me keeping my promise. She’s all in. If I pull some shit like this twice, it’ll be one of the top ten, guaran-fucking-teed, worst moments of her life, and she’s not going to forget it.” I stared Swift in the eyes, stabbing his soul with my scrutiny. “We’re immortal, mate. We’re going to be here for thousands of years, and even if Twilight lost half of her capacity to remember shit, she’d still never forget that moment. That’s going to be something she might not forgive me for until you’re long gone. Anything involving a fight of any kind is so far off the table, it’s been picked up for trash and taken to a landfill with trash Alligators that seek painful, stupid decisions.”

Swift held his hands up and stepped back. “Why me but not her?”

“Because your opinion was obviously formed without taking half of me into consideration.” I replied stiffly.

We fell silent for a few minutes, but I had a telepathic conversation with Noir while the rest of them were thinking. ‘Blackberry, we both know Twilight like the backs of our hands, right?’

Noir subtly nodded from her position across from me. ‘You know her better than I, but it never hurts to have another mind on the task.’

‘Right. So the problem is that I need to make up with Twilight’s Dad.’ I ran through some scenarios, but they all ended with him either scorning me entirely or him alone and hopeless.

Twilight was the ruling factor in the decision that Noir and I made, just as she is in many of others. What we decided upon is not to be discussed, and I’m not even going to threaten you for reading this bit. If you’ve gotten this far, you’re fucked. If you’ve been paying attention, or rather, if you can see a quadruple-enchanted invisible speck, my Seal is on the corner of every one of these pages. They weren’t printed there, friend. They’ve been sucking away at your soul, forcing you to feel my emotions as you read, taking you along for a real ride, but you know what’s at the end of this book? Your happiness. I’ve realized that the worst thing you can do to someone is take away their happiness, and so here we are! When this book ends, there will only be despair for the rest of your pathetic life.

Since you’re already this far gone, why not keep going? If you’re this interested in my ramblings, why not finish what you started? Running isn’t going to do anything: I’ve made sure of that. Seeking Celestia’s help, or even one of the god’s, will not save you. If you quit now, you’re just going to suffer for longer, but if you hold on and get to the end, at least you’ll still get some kicks out of it, yeah?

If, by the odd chance that I’m long gone and my Magic fades, or this ends up somewhere Magic doesn’t work, then thanks for violating my most private thoughts. At least I won’t know about you passing judgement on me. Who knows? I’ve been across the universe, been between the dimensions, seen a world where the laws of nature are shattered. It’s entirely possible. If this ends up in a world with the internet, please don’t put this on some shitty website for nerds. Just… Like…

Keep it to yourself, mate. Man to man, possibly woman to woman if that’s what we’re dealing with: keep this between you and me. I’ve written some real steamy shit in here about people I love, so don’t you go and be that faggot, yeah?
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My name is Shon, and I’m the author behind A Thief’s Tale: Road To Redemption. Sadly, the story ends here. I just don’t have time to write these days, and it kills me to leave this fully unresolved, but I’ve got ten minutes left before I have to go to work, so I’m going to spit it out quickly:

This is it. This is the end of A Thief’s Tale. It’s been a wild ride, guys, and I’m sorry to leave you like this, but it is what it is. Nothing I can do with the amount of time I have would be worthy of reading, and I’ve just… I’ve lost the love for it. It’s been hard getting these last few chapters out on time. I ran through my backlog a couple of days after my birthday in August and I’ve been grinding out chapters like never before.

I suppose I just pushed myself too hard and burned out. Over two years and a million words… What a fucking show it was.

As Always, Stay Cool, Kids.

Author's Note

What else is there to say? It's been coming for some time now, but I can't really say that I'm giving up on the story here. I might go for another hiatus to see where my interests lie, but...

I'm going to miss Max and Twilight, y'know? These characters,. these people, come from my mind. I've built them myself and seen their triumphs and their failures, and I can't help but grow attached. Maybe I'll have time in the near future and I can pump out one last chapter to go wrap everything up. It'll probably be a doozy.

As Always, I'm Sorry

Stay Cool, Kids

Chapter Fifty-Five: T'was But A Prank, Bro
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Fifty-Five: T'was But A Prank, Bro

Chapter Fifty-Five: T'was But A Prank, Bro

Twilight and I waited around for a few days before we started moving stuff over to our private chambers in the newly dubbed ‘Arcadian Castle’, as christened by me. My ‘fiance’ liked the name since Arcadian Magic was her favourite period to study since there was so little known about it. Coincidentally it happened to have occurred around eight or nine thousand years ago. In other words, the name I just thought was cool was most likely accurate as fuck. Sometimes I hate Equus. I really do.

Anyway, getting Adstus to pack up all their shit so they could come live with me somewhere else was a pain in the arse like no other. Starshine whined like an especially pussified Chihuahua and Crimson was a broody little bitch about the ordeal. Iron and Swift were cool individually, but they were going through a rough patch in their relationship at the moment. Swift was still upset about Iron being so thoughtless and Iron used the thorn in his side that is the incident where I basically called him a dumbass to fight back when he started being unfair with his attitude. I’d already gotten them sat down and talked things out, but they were still feeling hurt from their own words. A colder person would have told them to break it up entirely, but that would make me a piece of shit by my own standards. If I was split up from Twilight for having one fight, I’d still see her, and I’d send the shitbag that did it to the Moon and hope he asphyxiates with a beautiful view. That being said, there’s no way in Hell I could tell them to end it in good conscience, so I decided to let them work it out for themselves and clean up their mess if things got ugly.

The life of a leader, mate. Kinda sucks.

Twilight was able to get her entire house packed in two days, but that was because she didn’t bother listening to me and my sensible suggestion. Instead of having to move everything by hand, wagon, movers: whatever you may have, I had the bright idea (If I may say so) to just stroll around the Castle and steal the things I wanted to put somewhere from my house. My True Theft negated the weight of whatever object it was that I wanted, so the main problem was that I needed a good handhold on whatever it was that I was trying to grab. My dressers were built into the walls around my room so I couldn’t move them, but I did pull all of my drawers from them and start putting them into my half of our new room. It was much faster than Twilight’s method of putting everything in boxes and then teleporting them to the Castle, but she was feeling stubborn ever since she pretty much denounced Night Light as her father.

It’s a little troublesome when I have to try and convince her that we don’t need to hire gardeners for plants that are magically kept in shape, or when we butt heads over who gets which side of the room. For the record, I wanted the left side because that was the trend the entire Castle was aligned with, but Twilight was worked up about it. It’s not like it’s taxing to stay calm while she’s riled up over little things; the only thing she usually needs is a kiss to calm down. She’s been getting better day by day as we take on more of the duties involved with filling a fucking Castle, so I’m hoping she goes back to relative normality soon enough.

Spike is pretty hyped about getting his own wing in the Arcadian Castle, despite my warnings about letting the whole thing go to his head. My little brother is a good kid at heart, but he’s addicted to being served. Honestly, I think it’s because Twilight made him do pretty much everything for her over the years, but I’ll be gagging on my own guts before I say that to her. All it would do is make her feel bad and that just ain’t the plan. Sadly, that does mean that we’re probably going to have to deal with Spike getting a bit ‘Blueballs-y’, as I like to call it, but we’ll tackle that one on down the road.

When I got my shit out of my modest mansion and into my ridiculous Castle-

... My life is fucking weird. I’ve said that multiple times. It’s still true.

Like I was writing; I got my shit moved. Shortly after I got the last of my things put away, I decided to make a visit to Blue and Onyx to check up on them and see how they were doing, and the weather was perfect for a nice long walk. As had become the norm in the past few days, aA lot of people either bowed or curtsied when I walked by. At the time of me writing this, I’ve already talked to Mary about calling a town meeting on the subject with Twilight and I being the presiding council. Neither of us are terribly fond of the people in our own home showing obeisance to us, and after a long talk with the girls, we got them to stop doing the same thing.

I probably should have mentioned this earlier, but I’ve been personally manning my share of the Castle affairs, though that’s not to say Twilight hasn’t been doing the same thing. I was in charge of the Arcadian Guard, our Operatives, our Spies, and taking care of the animal visitors. Aurum was invaluable when it came to picking out who was the best suited to do what, making things a lot easier on me. Fancy was called out of retirement to become the Captain of my Guard, and when we met to discuss it, he was happy to pledge fealty to me and to be knighted under the Arcadian flag.

Little side note: Noir went from being a Knight of Guile to being an Arcadian Knight. Side note over.

Onyx was… Well, he reacted to my proposal like only he could. He wasn’t happy about being Spymaster instead of Operator, but I seemed to soothe him when I explained that Fleur and Crimson were both the best of their time and would most likely rely on his wisdom from time to time. No matter what he and Crimson say, they’re still practically father and son, so I don’t doubt that Onyx will get a few kicks out of having his hands in both enterprises. I knighted each of them as well and bound Fleur’s preferred weapon of choice (A well-used Trench knife) and Onyx’s battle axe.

Aurum was my advisor for pretty much everything, to be honest. He and I weren’t- No, we still aren’t really ‘friendly’ per se, but we get along well enough to get the job done. As my liaison to the Zgon that visited the Castle, he informed me that a few of the animals that resided within the outer walls were Legendary Beasts like Nashoba, Kurama being one of them. Another was the Deermother, Afra, but she creeps me the fuck out, so I don’t talk to her. It’s the eyes, mate. Those fucking eyes are soulless as fuck. However, Kurama more than makes up for Afra’s weirdness by being helpful with unseen threats. She actually met a group of rowdy young Dragons who’d flown into town on a whim by herself and sent them all packing, if Jovia’s recollection is true. It’s nice to have someone so powerful helping protecting the place, but it’s not really all that necessary.

As it’s already been established, Castle Arcadia is magical like you wouldn’t believe. Twilight got upset with Rarity one day and told her to come back the next day, but when our favourite marshmallow-coated fashionista showed up, the outer gates barred her entrance and Twilight’s engraving was glaring at her as I watched impassively. As it turned out, Twilight was still mad at Rarity and the Castle vibed off of that, which was just plain strange.

Speaking of Twilight, she was in charge of staffing the more mundane jobs like booking a seamstress (Rarity), getting us a good cook (Pinkie) and staff for the kitchens in general. She also hired Fluttershy on as a caretaker for our furry residents, but that’s not to say she handled all of it. I took the important visitors and whatnot while Fluttershy managed the Kendani and the animals she’d brought along with her. While on the topic of Fluttershy’s assortment of critters, unfortunately, Bearett developed some feelings for Urana. It wouldn’t be so bad if Urana didn’t shoot him down hard every time, or if she actually looked at him, but the main thing that made it a fustercluck was Nashoba still being in love with him. She was too mature to be mad at Urana, but Bearett was too dumb to realize that scorning a female with Nashoba’s capabilities is suicidal at best.

Urana is like a haughtier, more critical version of Twilight. She can be nice, but I’ve spent far too much time arguing with that stupid Bear over how to run my half of things that I wouldn’t complain too hard if Nashoba decided to take her on. Then again, if Nashoba is a Dire Wolf, then Urana is a Dire Bear. Seriously, the bitch is almost as tall as the inner walls of the Castle. I have faith in my companion, but the only time I’ve ever heard of a Wolf taking down a Bear is when it had the ursine outnumbered.

While I’m thinking about Guardians of the Everfree, Uror planted an Yggdrasil in the space between the Training Grounds and the Garden so we could travel back and forth more easy. The damned thing’s already grown to be about half the height of the Castle, but Uror assures me that it’ll stop where it is. I haven’t noticed it getting any taller for the past couple days, but this place’s Magic might be a fertilizer from Hell for all I know.

Noir now lives in the Castle with me, though she spends most of her time in Canterlot, managing the soldiers and fighting some smaller skirmishes on the Eastern Front in Germaneigh. They have things covered for the time being and the news that comes is usually good, so here’s hoping Equestria doesn’t have to get involved. Mexicolt was… Well, Sabio had his work cut out for him. La Canalla’s destruction left a power vacuum in the crime world that all sorts were trying their hardest to fill, but Sabio says that it’s easier to fight the threats from outside his country than it is to fight a war within it.

About a week ago, Twilight went to go finish negotiations with Chrysalis, and from what Twilight told me, my Cherry laid down the law with gusto. The Bug Queen had only gotten one thing that she wanted and that was to talk to me for an hour. That conversation took place in the middle of her Throne Room and went as such:

“Wotcher, Chrysalis.” I said moments after teleporting in with Twilight.

“Hello, Maximus.” She said, her voice laced with nefarious intentions. “I must say, seeing you has brightened my day.”

I pointed at Twilight. “Seeing her brightens my day.”

The Queen’s smile faltered for a moment. “We’re well acquainted.”

“I’m sure you are. So why do you want to talk to me?”

“Oh, no reason.” She tittered.

Twilight sighed. “This is going nowhere fast.”

“Seconded.” I said blandly.

Chrysalis faked a little fury. “An ally of Equestria cannot ask to see one of the Royal Family for her own reasons?”

“You just said you had none.” I pointed out.

“You stuck your hoof in your mouth there.” Twilight added.

The Bug Queen colored. “I would be wary of what you say. Our alliance isn’t confirmed just yet.”

I gave her a look. “This entire ordeal has been a formality. Either you get your arse in gear and own up to the promises you made, or you starve.”

Chrysalis bore her teeth at me. “You will not cow me, Maximus!”

“I’m not trying to. I’m giving you the facts while not playing your games. If that upsets you, then I’m sorry you feel that way.” I replied sarcastically.

She rose from her throne and cursed my name. “Fine! The Changelings will give our aid in The War, but once it is over-”

“What?” Twilight challenged. “What are you going to do? Take on six Alicorns; half of whom are more powerful than three of you put together? Target the three weaker Alicorns and hope you can escape vindication?”

Chrysalis fumed. “Insolence!”

“You’re stuck. Accept it and move on. Do what you do best and live to fight another day, yeah?” I suggested benevolently.

She calmed out of nowhere, her horn lighting up. I waited around to see what she was going to do, and when she shot a laser at me, Twilight defended readily with a wall of pinkish Magic. Unimpressed, I folded my arms and looked at Chrysalis for a long, hard moment.

“Are you trying to doom your entire race?” Twilight asked coldly.

Chrysalis sat down slowly. “... I apologize. You have the support of the Changelings in whatever you do.”

Twilight and I traded a look. “Good. We hope to see you at the Allied Forces meeting.” I replied.

The Queen nodded thoughtfully. “I will attend. Take care.”

“The same to you.” Twilight said curtly before teleporting us back to our private chambers.

We took a seat on the couch we’d brought from her place and relaxed for a little bit since it was the first time we’d seen each other in five days and six nights. I didn’t know exactly how long we’d been apart, but I knew that it had been too damn long for my tastes. My ‘fiance’ rested on my lap while I ran my fingers through her hair, enjoying the moment of relative levity for as long as we could. Sadly, we had to go deliver a report to Celestia and it would be faster to just do it in person, so we ended our little reprieve to go do that. It was boring, so I’m not going to go too far into it, but Celestia made sure that any Changelings were to be watched and monitored as closely as possible, just in case Chrysalis was going to try and stab us in the back or something along those lines.

That pretty much covers the important things from the past three weeks. It’s mostly been getting settled into the Arcadian Castle and getting it prepared for the wedding, which is supposed to take place tomorrow. That’s actually the reason I’m writing. Twilight suggested that I do something to calm down for awhile since I’m practically climbing up the walls in anticipation for whatever Murphy’s Law might conjure up for me, but I’m still nervous like never before. I don’t think I’ve been this distraught since my first arrest back when I was still in school! I mean, I know I shouldn’t be worried or anxious about getting married since I’m already devoted to Twilight, mind, body and soul, but I guess I never really gave much thought to what getting married might actually be like. I’m not afraid of feeling trapped or anything… I think I’m just nervous about what might change between us once we pass this milestone, and I know I shouldn’t be. In my defense, this is huge beyond anything I’ve done before. At least, it is to me.

Twilight’s taking it pretty well, all things considered. Her mood has been pretty bright the past few days, and whenever she can, she tries to describe her wedding dress to me so I know what to expect. I’ve told her multiple times that I want it to be a surprise, but when night comes and there’s no one else to talk at, she comes to me for my listening holes. She’s already seen the tuxedo I had specially made for the wedding and she’s absolutely in love with it, and I’m not exactly horrified by it myself. A suit is a suit, in my eyes, but my new suit was one to top the rest in my collection. The cuffs are embroidered with silver thread, designed so it matches the inner gates of the Castle while my tie depicts the imags engraved into the doors itself. The suit itself was such a dark shade of blue that it was practically black in most lighting, but a keen eye would be able to catch the hints that showed themselves every now and again.

So far, everything’s been going well as far as life in general, and that makes me nervous too. In fairness, I don’t usually get a break unless shit is about to hit the fan in the most hardcore of manners, so forgive me for being cynical about the daisies and roses metaphorically sprouting in my wake. Twilight tells me that I’m just paranoid because I don’t think I deserve nice things and she’s probably right, but I rather wish she hadn’t said that. It makes me sound like a mentally unstable basket-case, and I just don’t like the ring of that. I know I’m bat-shit crazy, I just don’t want other people to know that.

I think I’ve officially exhausted this outlet for my stress. I’m going to go jog around the grounds a couple times, see if some exercise clears my head. I don’t think that it will and it kinda sucks that I can’t go too hard unless I want to be sore for my wedding day, but I’ll deal with it. If there’s one thing I don’t suck at, it’s living through stress.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I didn’t manage to sleep much the night before the wedding, but Twilight was happy to talk to me about all sorts of things that we would do once we were married and we bounced ideas off of each other for our wedding night. We were thinking that we would try traditional missionary first before moving on to anything else, but since Twilight had spent many nights preparing for the day in our dreams, she had a good feeling for what would make the night the most memorable for her. Of course I already had a plan laid out with plenty of goodies for her, but that’s a story for later.

The morning of the wedding was spent with Twilight. Well, we spent the early hours of dawn together, only having slept a few hours. The wedding was going to be an affair for sunset, so we weren’t going to have to start preparing any time soon. However, just because we didn’t have to didn’t mean we didn’t want to. Twilight and I did a walk through and fixed a few little things that had been overlooked during the last one, but when I say that there were only a few things, I mean that they were extremely nonessential things that could be fixed in less than ten seconds.

We joined up with Adstus for a peri-sunrise run and had breakfast in the Dining Hall, which was nice. It was cool that we would always have a feast for whatever meal we wanted, but I made sure not to gorge myself every chance I got. Another boon of having my own kitchens is that some of my chefs were willing to cook meat and all of them were willing to deal with the smell. I even have my own butcher who makes ground beef, sausage, jerky, and various dried or cured meats for me every once in awhile. Her name is Lassie, and yes, she is a Dog, but she’s straight from Celestia’s own kitchen, so I have no doubts about her being a spy or some bullshit like that.

After breakfast, Twilight went off to her parlour to start prepping for the wedding along with the girls who’d been arriving periodically. Crimson took me aside before Noir had a chance, though she really couldn’t do much about it on an official level because she and Crimson were still the same rank. He had as much claim to my attention as she did.

Once we were in my own study, Crimson and I stepped outside onto my balcony and had a seat. There were a few low-flying clouds that passed by, but they were a common occurrence in Equestria since the weather makes no sense here. As long as the clouds were within the barrier surrounding Castle Arcadia, you could walk on them, but no one was willing to see if the clouds would stay in the barrier if you were on them. At least, no one who couldn’t already fly and therefore stand on clouds anyway.

“Max, on a scale of one to ten, how’s the anxiety?” Crimson asked.

“Mate.” I said shakily. “Mate.”

“That’s what I thought. When’s the last time you smoked? Why don’t you do that and try to relax a little bit?”

I used my True Theft to grab the pipe I hadn’t used in who knows how long and some herb that’s had plenty of time to get nice and stale. However, it was still sticky as fuck when I opened my box, so I figured it was good to go and lit up then and there. Crimson stood by while I tried not to get too lit before I had to go do something important, so I stopped before the bowl was halfway gone and stowed my pipe in one of the drawers in my study. Along side it would be the first ballpoint pen ever made on Equus, sat in a velvet recess in a mahogany box. As the inventor of the newest everyday marvel, I was officially one of the twenty richest people in Equestria, and with the connections Fancy Pants hooked me up with, I’ve got my hands in more businesses than I ever could have imagine, but that’s not what the important part is.

Crimson waited until I rose from my seat to speak to as any questions. “So how are you feeling now?”

“Better. Less wound up.” I replied hazily.

“Good news. Now we just need to find something to burn time until Trixie gets here, right?”

“Pretty much. I’m sure she’ll be around sometime soon now that you’ve mentioned her.” I said casually.

Crimson gave me a look. “It doesn't always work like that.”

I stared at him for ten seconds, already having heard the heartbeat of my favourite butler, a middle-aged fellow named Marble. He knocked on the door three times, catching Crimson’s attention. “Watch.” I commanded.

I led my male Operator across the room and greeted Marble at the door. “Wotcher, Marble. Trixie’s here, isn’t she?”

Marble gave me an uneasy smile. “Uncanny, Prince Maximus. Simply uncanny.”

“It’s a gift.” I sighed. “I’ll go find her here in a moment. Thank you, Marble.”

“Of course, Prince Maximus.”

“When are we going to drop the ‘Prince’ thing entirely?” I asked irritably.

Marble gave me a patient look. “It is not my place to address you without at least some form or honorific or title, Prince Maximus. Princess Twilight and yourself both bargained for this, if you recall.”

I scoffed. “We got gypped.”

Marble just smiled like an arse, and that’s a part of why I like him so much. He’s such a fucking lowkey troll that it keeps me amused to no end. Anyway, I teleported Crimson and myself to the room Marble told us to go to, which was made a lot easier because of Twilight’s brilliant idea to number all the doors and to attach a letter at the beginning to coordinate with the floor it was on. Trixie was in Room J-Five-Sixteen, meaning that we were on the ground floor in the fifth hall, at the sixteenth door. It really was a good system for those of us who could teleport, and even for those who couldn’t, the system was perfect for just generally knowing where the fuck you were going.

I knocked before I entered because it’s just fucking polite and saw Trixie idly reading a book, deep in thought. “Hullo, Trixie.” I called out.

She stuck a piece of paper in her spot and teleported the book away quickly, rushing over to give me a hug. “Oh, Max! Today is going to be the best, Trixie just knows it!”

I hugged her back as Crimson chuckled. “Crushing my ribs, Baby Blue..”

Trixie let up and blushed. “Trixie still rather likes that nickname.”

I squeezed her a bit. “Mum likes it too. You know you’re the favourite, right?”

Trixie hit me lightly and gave me a womanly look. “You know Blue isn’t going to play favourites between us. Besides, you were the first one she let into her heart out of the two of us.”

“Being first doesn't always matter that much in the end. You spend more time with her than I ever could.” I said ruefully.

My sister gave me a sad smile. “Mom knows why you can’t come around all that often, Max. It’s not like she’s holding it against you.”

“We both wish we could see each other more, I know that much. Once things settle a little more here in the Castle, I think things might go a bit better. How’s the new house, by the way?” I asked, grinning.

“Ah, Trixie is in love! When Mom turned down your old house, Trixie was so surprised, but she thinks now that Mom wanted Trixie to have it.”

I patted her shoulder. “Took you long enough to catch up. Mum isn’t one for the big houses since she likes to clean her stuff herself.”

“And since she and Onyx still aren’t living together, I suppose it would get awfully lonely.”

I shrugged. “I dealt with it by spending most of my time intoxicated one way or the other.”

Trixie gave me a look. “And you’ve moved on from that.”

“That I have, dear sister. That I have. So what are we going to do before the wedding?”

“Well, Trixie thought you would like to be surrounded by your friends, but not too many.” She said quickly. “Maybe five or so of your closest ones. Trixie has taken it upon herself to try and find those closest to you herself, and she doesn't think that her dear brother will be disappointed.”

I nodded. “Then who’s all invited?”

Trixie nodded to Crimson who had taken a seat and was watching us as we spoke. “Sir Crimson will be one of them and Sir Fancy Pants will be another. Prince Shining Armor has offered to be one of your grooms-stallions to help fill the ranks, so he will be attending, and Princess Cadance will be stopping by every now and again to see how you are doing. Swift Strike is also going to be at the card game.” She covered her mouth.

I raised a brow. “So what are we playing? You’ve already spilled the beans.”

She sighed. “Las Pegasus Poker. It’s easy to learn and fun to play.”

“Sweet. When are we meeting up with everyone?”

Trixie checked the grandfather clock in the room. “In about ten minutes. Trixie has asked some of your staff to bring in tables and get things set up in another room, so we can go there and get started if you’d like.”

“Sounds good to me. Trixie, lead the way. Crimson, shut up and look good. Me, keep being awesome. Everyone have their orders memorized?” I asked.

Crimson gave me a look. “How am I supposed to answer that If I’m just supposed to stick around and be handsome?”

“Shh, you’ll wake the Blunglesnorps.” I looked to Trixie as she finished rolling her eyes.

“Trixie is ready. Let’s go before you say something else utterly ridiculous.” She huffed.

“Slow down, it’s a science. They’ve been waiting to bring you down.” I sang.

“... What the buck is wrong with you?” Trixie asked, her head ever-so slightly tilted and her chin perched on a fingertip.

“He’s probably just really high.” Crimson sighed. “He was freaking out about the you-know-what, so I told him to smoke and relax for a little while.”

“On his wedding day!?” Trixie cried. “Trixie does not comprehend the logic behind telling a Prince of Equestria to get… How would he say it? ‘Blazed beyond the fire’?”

I groaned. “One time!”

“He’s not too high to be oblivious, so that’s good.” Crimson said with a smirk. I didn’t see it, but there’s a certain quality to his voice, an edge, that appears whenever he’s trying to be optimistic for once. It’s usually a fifty-fifty shot on whether or not it works out.

“I know how to handle a good buzz. I’m just… I dunno, letting loose. Spitting out whatever comes to mind.” I took a deep breath and blew a raspberry.

“Trixie does not see the fun in letting one’s guard down and she highly doubts that Crimson’s opinion differs.”

Licorice Lad nodded. “We’re on the same page, but I’d just like to gloat for a moment, if I may. We both understand the joy of gloating, so I’ll make it quick.”

Trixie sighed. “I understand all too well. If you must.”

Crimson smirked and opened his mouth to speak, but I cut in. “Licorice Lad, I royally demand that you let Trixie gloat.”

“You’ve gotta be fo-cking kidding me, mate.” The Black Bastard jeered. Did you just make fun of the way I talk?

“I was up until that. You are hereby ordered by your Prince to surrender your gloating rights to Trixie Lulamoon.” I monotoned.

Crimson looked at me, and when I say that, I mean he did his damndest to look through me. “Why did Luna have to pair us up? Why couldn't she just call Starshine out of her lab, or Rock Well from his house in Gryphonia? Why me?”

“Since when do you bitch so much?” I asked.

“I’ve been drinking since sunrise, and we’re just about on the same level, if my guess is correct.” He answered.

Fists were bumped because uni-boy reasons.

Trixie groaned. “Is Trixie truly going to have to foalsit two intoxicated stallion-sized colts?”

I reached into the walk-in liquor cabinet I had in my study and passed a bottle of bourbon to Crimson before grabbing my pipe and matches. “You tell me.” I said as I was doing it.

Trixie gave me a disapproving look. “What would Twilight say if she found out that you had to be high to marry her?”

“Cast a sobriety spell on me an hour and a half before the ceremony.” I suggested.

Crimson swallowed a swig he’d taken. “Good call! Point Max!”

Trixie rubbed her temples. “You’re a brilliant idiot.”

“What do you say, sis’? Let your little brother ask you for a favour.” I gave her my best puppy-dog eyes.

“Just don’t pass out, okay? Waking you up from an intoxicant induced coma… Well, you’ll be wrought with pain and you’ll have the most excruciating headache for about thirty minutes.” Trixie warned.

“Don’t be a pussy, gotcha.” I winked at her.

Crimson pretended to snore. “Oh! Sorry, are we going to keep talking or are we going somewhere?”

“Pushy little fucker, aren’t you?” I gave him a look that was ultimately ignored. “Whatever. Let’s get a move on, Trixie.”

She sighed. “Our destination is on the top floor.”

“How were you expecting Fancy to get up there? He’s in good shape for his age, but he’s getting a bit long in the tooth.” I asked.

“Well, Trixie was expecting them to send you a message with Dragon Fire and just have you teleport and get them.” Trixie said irritably.

“I didn’t think of that.” I gave her a smile. “I’m guessing I’m taking us up?”

“Trixie can take herself and one other.” She said, practically ignoring me.

“Save your Magic and let me do it. It doesn’t tire me in the slightest.” I offered.

“Trixie does not trust your Magic in your inebriated state.” She said haughtily.

“Look, I might still be learning new tricks with my Magic, but I’m experienced with it. I’ve been in situations that clouded my mind worse than grass ever could, yet I still used True Theft. It’s practically built into me, Trix.”

Crimson got up from his seat and stood next to me. “What’s the room number? We’ll meet you there.”

Trixie shook her head. “It’s A-eight-six.”

I formed a somewhat foggy picture of it in my mind before taking myself and Crimson there. We arrived with no issues (as expected) and entered a larger room with navy blue shades drawn over the windows and a few magical orbs of light that cast their light just brightly enough for the room to be decently lit. There was a young woman in a white blouse and a black vest standing in a little divot in a semi-circular poker table, shuffling cards and generally trying to look busy. She looked up when Crimson and I walked in and let us know where our seats at the table were, so we sat down and waited for Trixie to arrive.

She took a minute or two, but she eventually got her arse into the room. Trixie brought Fancy along with her for reasons unknown, but I was just glad that they were present. Fancy and Trixie took their seats at the table and the four of us started talking among ourselves with my two officials sharing the bottle of bourbon I’d given to Crimson. Trixie was appalled that Fancy would support my desires to get stoned on my wedding day, but she held her tongue as to not be a complete buzzkill and we waited on Swift and Shining. They were a little late in sending me their notes so I could pull them into the room, but all’s well that ends well and all that.

With everyone present, we got the game started and the conversation kept rolling. “Alright, now that we have everypony here, why don’t we all say something nice about Max?” Trixie asked excitedly.

Crimson gave her a look. “Maxxy is go-getter. Real trendsetter.” He said flatly.

Fancy chuckled. “Max is a one-of-a-kind like no other.”

Shining scratched his head. “I guess Max is pretty cool, but I don’t know if there’s any one nice thing about him.”

“Thanks, mate. I really shoot for being indescribably awesome.” I grinned cheekily.

Trixie sighed and looked at Swift. “Is there anything you have to say?”

He nodded. “I like how Max only backs down when he knows it's hopeless. You have to be smart to know when to take a loss.”

Trixie smiled at him. “That’s something along the lines of what Trixie was talking about!”

Swift looked at me. “When you lose to Twilight every time you open your mouth, it’s pretty hard not to get good at it.” He gave me a shit-eating grin.

“Go fuck yourself, you cheeky twat-waffle.” I chuckled.

Shining just shook his head. “I can’t believe you would say that to someone who outranks you, Swift. It’s unbecoming of a Royal Guard to insult their commanding officer.”

“Don’t be such a stick in the mud, old chap!” Fancy admonished “I’m sure Max doesn’t mind a little good natured ribbing.”

I reached over and clapped a hand on Fancy’s shoulder. “He’s just mad that I’m going to be shagging his sister tonight.”

Shining coloured. “I’ve made my peace with that.”

“Are you sure? Because Twilight and I are going to have thousands of years ahead of us, all of our nights just waiting to be filled with some smooth loving.” I sighed contentedly.

Shining coughed. “So who all is excited for the wedding?”

My sister raised her hand, showing everyone her cards in the process. “Trixie is-” She put her hand back down and flipped her cards back over. “Oh shoot!”

She received a few chuckles for her troubles and Fancy spoke after the round was over. “You know, I remember the first time I saw Max and Twilight together. It was at a party Max held at his house, and even then I knew that the two of them were going to be good together.”

“The first time I saw Twilight and Max together was when he recruited me to come be a part of Adstus. I don’t think I even considered that they weren’t together when I saw them.” Swift said.

“They do seem pretty natural when they’re together. I mean, seeing the way they finish each other’s sentences and complete each other’s thoughts… They’re a good match.” Shining said thoughtfully. “I know I don’t have to ask, but please treat Twilight well, Max.”

“No problem, mate. Twilight means too much for me to treat her as anything other than the Empress of my heart.” I replied.

“That was so cheesy.” Crimson scoffed.

“Go suck a dusty dick.” I shot back.

Fancy laughed and shook his head. “Dusty dicks are harder to come by than you might think.”

I gave Fancy a look. “As the oldest person in the room, I think you qualify as a dusty dicked dude.”

Crimson winked at Fancy and my Guard Captain blinked before looking at me. I shrugged subtly and went back to playing cards as they had a silent conversation, and I was pretty sure that I wouldn’t be the only person getting laid that night. The game continued and the bawdy jokes flowed like the smoke in the breeze and the booze in the glasses around the table. Two hours into the game, everyone at the table save for Trixie was fucking hammered or stoned off their rocker. Crimson, Trixie, and Swift had all lost their chips to myself and Shining over the last couple of rounds and Fancy was the last to go, leaving me and Shining to duel it out.

The guy had a serious poker-face and few tells while he was in the zone, so it was hard to get a read on him or predict his moves in any way. Luckily for me, my poker-face never slips while I’m in Prince Mode, and yes, I did cheat so I would stand a better chance at winning. When I wasn’t looking at my cards, I was rolling a large hundred bit coin between my knuckles or taking a toke from my pipe, both of which I found to be soothing actions. Crimson gave me a funny look when I started doing it, but I thought he’d seen me do it before. It was just a nervous tic of mine, though now that I think of it, I didn’t do it much in front of people.

Shining and I battled back and forth for about thirty minutes without the tides changing much either way, so we bet everything on one hand and I ended up taking the pot so we could reset and have another game. Much to my surprise, however, Trixie had other plans and lead our group to the next room in the hall. That one was brighter since the windows were open and the light was filtering in, but the most notable thing was the spread of food that was on the tables around the room. Our group grabbed some plates and went to work, but I was stuck on what I wanted. There were meats of all kinds, such as real beef from Gryphonia, pork, and even some seafood like crab and lobster. Fish was present in the form of deep fried fillets that weren’t too far from some crispy looking chips that were sitting in a magical dish warmer.

I had a little bit of everything and finished off my feast with a lot of pineapple as a present for Twilight for reasons that the internet once told me. If I could help get the bad, meaty taste out, then I would at least try. There were plenty of nice Pony foods too, but the carnivore food is what really made my day look that much brighter, though it wasn’t as if it was a rare occurrence. I just hadn’t had lobster or crab before, and both were much to my liking. It was hard to get the meat out the manual way, so I just stole it with True Theft because I’m a lazy fuck sometimes.

Instead of going back for more poker, Trixie asked me if there was anything I wanted to do more, so I took everyone to the billiards room and whooped some arse on the tables for an hour or two before we started getting ready for the wedding. Trixie disappeared to go get her makeup and whatnot ready while the boys and I got dressed in our tuxes. I was the only one sober since Trixie hates me, but I had to stay sober for a little while longer. My nerves were killing me and I was ready to throw up at any moment, but talking with Shining about how he felt on his wedding day made me feel a lot better.

“So what was your wedding like, mate? I was there and everything, but how did it feel?” I asked.

Shining thought about it for a second. “Well, I guess I just stayed too busy to be all that worried about it, but when the day finally came, I was terrified. I don’t really know why. I mean, I love Cadance with all my heart, but getting married to her was just the scariest thing.”

“I know the feeling.” I sighed.

“I know.” Shining chuckled. “Just try to calm down. Nothing is going to change besides the ring on Twilight’s finger, and you know she isn’t going to suddenly stop loving you or anything. The good times are going to continue to roll, Max, so just relax and let them come.”

“He’s right, you know.” Fancy chimed in from nearby.

“Thanks, Dusty.” I waved.

Fancy snorted and was on his merry way. “Max, can we be honest with each other for another moment?” Shining asked.

“That’s not worrying at all. I’m listening.”

“I… I still have trouble wrapping my head around the fact that Twilight fell in love with someone… Well, someone like you.” Shining said regretfully, as if the very idea of having the thought was an insult itself.

“The first time we met, you were investigating a case with your parents house, typical breaking and entering, but with a little extra on top. I was with two women who were not Twilight at the time.” I recalled.

Shining squinted his eyes. “I remember that. You know Twilight told me that it was you who broke in and rearrange our parent’s house, right?

I smiled nervously. “I do now.”

“You suck.”

“But I’m the best at what I do.” I winked at him. “Maybe we should hook up sometime and let Cadance watch? I bet she’d be thrilled.”

Shining blushed. “I know you’re just trying to get under my fur, so it’s not going to work, Max.”

“Let me fuck that slutty little arse of your, Shiny. I’ll even turn myself into Roxy and get a strap-on so you can have it like you normally do~” I cooed.

Crimson had been walking by and froze while I’d been speaking. He stared straight ahead and resumed walking when I finished like nothing had happened while Shining watched him walk away. Swift just burst out laughing because someone had to get it started. While my fellow Prince was steadily turning brighter shades of red, Fancy, Crimson, Swift and I were losing our shit. On the plus side, my anxiety was pretty much gone as long as I kept the coin rolling in my knuckles

While we were waiting for Trixie to return, Cadance popped in to say hello and to talk with me for a moment. We sequestered ourselves a separate room and she asked, “So how are you feeling? Twilight’s starting to get a little anxious and I think she’s getting it from you.”

“I’m actually doing better than I was. I think Twilight might just be going through her own thing right now.” And I could feel it too. She was getting cold ‘feet’, but her conviction to go through with it hadn’t wavered quite yet.

Cadance bit her lip. “That’s worrying, to say the least. Maybe you could use your Magic to hold her hand or something for a little while?”

I passed my coin into my right hand and sent my left through the dimensions to hold Twilight’s. Her hands had been clasped together, but when I made my fingers tangible, she took my hand and I felt her ease up slightly.

“She’s calming down. Good idea, Candy Arse.” I smirked.

Cadance rolled her eyes. “When are you going to give up that nickname?”

“When your arse stops being as sweet as candy.” I replied sagaciously.

“You’re impossible. Twilight’s going to have her hands full.”

“You already knew that. Twilight already knew that. I already knew that.”

“I just have to buck Shining to make him nice and tame for a while. Twilight isn’t going to have it that easy.” Cadance giggled.

I shivered. “I hope Twilight never asks to fuck me in the arse. That’s just so far out of my comfort zone, I might jab her in the gabber for it.”

“What does that even mean?” Cadance asked.

I gave her a look. “You know what it means.”

She blushed. “I wasn’t exactly promiscuous before I met Shining, Max.”

I tilted my head. “What? No, that means to punch someone in the mouth. I honestly thought you knew that. Why was your first thought something dirty? You husband-fucking pervert.”

Cadance made an adorably frustrated face. “Oh hush! You’re the one who always says naughty things like they’re just everyday happenings!”

“They are. How often do you fuck Shining?” I asked.

“Oh, at least four to five times a week. It never gets old when he starts-”

“Heard all I needed to hear; moving on.” I stated. “The kinky shit you do is weird, but that’s not everything that’s out there, Cadance. There are people kinkier than you doing kinky things to each other right now. As we speak. Kink permeates through the land, and it is a special thing, a certain kind of Magic that needs to be recognized as its own art form.”

Cadance crossed her legs and covered her mouth before putting her hand on her cheek, her face rosy. “Lust sounds like more fun than love.”

“It is, for the most part. If there was just lust and no love, or rather, lust and no sense of possession, people would be free to fuck each other as they pleased.”

“... That sounds sticky.”

I nodded. “Very sticky.”

Cadance rose from her seat and I did the same. “Twilight said she felt you relax shortly after you two split up for the morning.”

“I did.” I replied.

“... Why did that happen?”

“If you tell her what I’m about to say, I might drop you off of the balcony in my study.”

“I have wings, Max.”

“Good point. I’ll tie you to a train track”

“I would teleport away before a train came.”

“I would steal your Magic beforehand.” I said haughtily.

She sniffed. “Celestia would save me.”

“Not if I get her too.” I pointed out.

“Noir wouldn’t let you do it. She likes me too much, and you wouldn’t be able to fight her off.”

“Tch. Shut up.”

Cadance beamed. “I win!”

“Aren’t you supposed to let me win? I mean, this is like my birthday times ten, right?”

Cadance rolled her eyes. “That’s only for the bride, silly!”

That struck a nerve. “So what? The groom can’t expect to be treated well on one of the happiest days of his life because…?”

She pondered that. “... I don’t know.”

“Am I supposed to be getting condition for being nagged at all the fucking time? Is this supposed to be an example of what the rest of my fucking life is supposed to be like?”

Alarm ran across Cadance’s face. “No! No, that’s not it, Max! It’s just tradition to give the groom a few jibes on his wedding day!”

“So the groom gets a target painted on his back and the bride gets put on a pedestal? What the fuck is wrong with that picture, Cadance? You tell me.” I snarled.

“You’re acting like a foal.” Cadance said firmly.

“You’re acting like a twat.” I replied hotly.

“You’re supposed to be getting married today, Max! Do you really need to be treated like royalty by everyone to be happy?”

“I just wanted to be treated as Twilight’s equal! Is that really too much to ask?”

Cadance puckered her lips off to the side. “When you put it like that, it really is unfair of everyone to ride you for no real reason. I’m sorry I was so careless with my words.”

I sighed. “Don’t worry about it. I’m just touchy is all.”

“Still, you brought up a good point. Men shouldn’t have to worry about being browbeaten for the rest of their lives on what’s supposed to be the start of a wonderful journey with their special somepony.” Cadance said, slipping into the Equestrian vernacular at the end.

“Thank you for understanding, Cadance.”

She smiled and spread her arms. “Can I have a hug? I already got one from Twilight, but I want to get one last hug in before you’re officially a married man.”

I rolled my eyes and gave it to her. “Does this mean that Twilight has to be my first hug as a married man?”

“Definitely.” Cadance nodded.

“Can do. I really need to go check on something, can you help me out with my bachelor party crew and go tell them that I’ll be right back?”

Cadance gave me an odd look. “I can, but why?”

“It’s something to do with the reception. You’ll love it, I promise.” I grinned.

“If you say so.” She said doubtfully. “Go on and take care of your business, I guess.”

I let go of Twilight’s hand and let myself be carried to the Royal Recreation Room where we would be having our party. The speakers were all set up in the proper places and the playlist was perfect. I Do Love You by Kill Paris, Hot Milk by Snail’s House, BWU by San Holo, and Bubble Tea by dark cat: some of my favourite weird songs that I’d downloaded to my laptop, all hooked up by Magic pioneered by Vinyl Scratch. There wasn't much of a market for it, but damn was this going to be one fucking great party! The last scheduled song of the night was supposed to be Shiki No Uta (the redone edition by Sapphire), and I felt like it would be nice. It was pretty explanatory when I thought of how I felt about Twilight when I left for Earth, and that’s when I first heard it. The song is a beautiful one, and if you’re lucky enough to hear it, then I hope you enjoyed. I considered putting Camp Adventure by Delta Sleep on there, but the song was actually sad as fuck if you thought about it. Still, I love that song like no other. It really helped me get over Maggie, but that’s another story for another time.

Once I was sure that everything was copacetic, I went back to my crew and rejoined the party. Cadance left shortly after I arrived and I spent the rest of the time before the wedding trying to dodge reporters that somehow got onto the top floor of the castle. There was plenty of press and all that, but they were supposed to stay where my guards could see them. Bronze Stud was in charge of rounding them up and kicking their arses back to where they should be, but some of those mother fuckers are crafty and like to hide in rooms under beds so they can hope to catch a good picture. I fucking despise paparazzi.

Still, the time came for me to go to the Grand Hall, the place we were having the wedding. I stood off to the left on the dais and tried to look like I wasn’t panicking my fucking heart out, but it was awfully hard to stay calm while I was staring down a fate that every man fears on some level. The one guaranteed to bring you to your knees and grovel, if only for a moment. I don’t like weddings and I still don’t, so I’m skipping the unimportant shit.

Trixie stood just to my left and since Celestia was the one who was marrying Twilight and I, she stood to my right. “How are you feeling, Max?” She asked gently.

“Terrified.” I muttered in response.

“Is there something that helps you feel better?”

I grabbed a coin from my pocket and started rolling it between my knuckles. “This.”

Celestia stared at me while I did the thing. “... Are you sure that’s the only thing that helps?”

“It’s the easiest thing.” I replied.

“... How odd.” She said softly.

I gave Celestia a look. “What do you mean by that?”

“Have you spoken with Aurum or Urana about the prophecy?” Celestia asked, eying Trixie who was happily minding her own business.

“No. Should I talk to them about it?”

“Either them or myself. We all have both halves of the prophecy now.”

Celestia’s eyes flickered ahead and I followed her gaze to Rarity who was standing at the doors of the hall. The audience chattered on as if nothing was happening, but for a moment, I felt disconnected from the entire affair. As the door opened, time felt as though it was moving through molasses, giving me plenty of time to observe the world around me. The disconnection grew stronger and I felt myself… Separate, I suppose. I looked up to Celestia again who’s face was wearing many expressions: happiness, pain, mild sadness, and most of all, resolution. I understood why I saw what I saw and what it meant, so I turned and looked to Trixie.

My sister was in the process of smiling, her head inching to the right to look at me. The progress was nearly unnoticible, but patient eyes see more than you might think. I looked past her to see Shining in the middle of a hiccup, and beyond him was Crimson with one eye closed, still hammered. In the front row of the audience was Noir, Blue, Onyx, Luna, Uror, Night Light, Twilight Velvet, Fleur and a few relatives of hers that I didn’t know. Elfriede had also deemed it worthy of her time to attend, but when our eyes met, I couldn’t read the expression on her face. I blamed the beak in the moment, but as I let my eyes scan the crowd before me, I realized that I was looking for something. I didn’t know what it was until I saw a perfectly coiffed haircut reminiscent of Superman’s.

Blueblood was glaring in my direction. How he even got in through the fucking gates, I’ll never know, but I knew that I didn’t like the sight of him. Something was up, but time was still playing its little game, being slow as fuck. It bothered me to no end, knowing that I had an enemy in my very home and not being able to do anything about it at the moment. I had to tear my eyes away from him to look at the oversized doors that my soon-to-be wife stood behind, but when I did, time resumed as if nothing had happened.

Two well dressed staff members (I refuse to call them servants) pushed the doors open and revealed the love of my life in all her breathtaking, heart-stopping glory. Twilight’s dress was a beauty, and it’s a damn shame that I don’t know fashion. However, I do know a lot of words, so I’ll try to use them here. From the waist up, Twilight’s dress was intricate and made of what looked like pure white satin, her sleeves made of lace, letting her coat show ever so slightly. She decided to forego gloves and held a bouquet of white roses and lavender that matched with her veil. Connecting the sheer material to the part that actually goes on the head was a thin purple band that accented the other similarly colored part of the dress well. It was hard to take my eyes off of her as she walked through the doors, slowly and meticulously.

My heart pounded, but I wasn’t anxious anymore. No, I was finally content to wait just a little while longer to be with the one I love more than any other. The thoughts of the threat that lie in wait fell to the side as I beheld my beloved, and it was hard to think of anything other than getting Spike to hurry up and bring the damned rings. Celestia murmured something to me that I didn’t hear, but it was all well and good. My heart was in sight, and I was about to swear my undying love to her for the second time. We didn’t need to be married to know that we were inseparable, it was just something I wanted to do with Twilight, a milestone that I felt we couldn’t pass up.

My heart tried its best to get a front row seat as Twilight started down the aisle. My senses were dulled and my vision was so focused on her, I failed to notice Blueblood shifting toward the front of the paparazzi he’d most likely snuck in with. He wasn’t exactly close to Twilight, but it would have been enough for me to throw his arse into a volcano had I been paying attention to anyone other than Twilight. Instead, I patiently looked as she began to climb the dais, the moment of truth coming ‘round to bear. When she finally arrived, I lifted her veil to find that she had decided to wear a little eyeshadow and some nice lip-stain, but not much else. It was an exhilarating feeling unlike any other. Celestia’s first few words slipped past me, but I tuned in shortly after.

“... And on this happiest of occasions, we would have Maximus and Twilight recite the vows they have made.” Celestia announced. “By the happy couple’s request, Max shall be reading his vows before Twilight.”

I blinked a couple times and coughed. “Right.” Twilight smiled and offered me her hands, so I took them and began. “Twilight Sparkle, Cherry. We’ve already said our vows and we both know that the world will turn into a two dimensional realm before either of us break the promises we’ve made to each other, but it never hurts to say it again, yeah?”

There were a few chuckles from the audience as they waited for me to get on with it. “Twilight, I vow to you that I will never turn my back to you, that I will always hear you out, that I will never love another woman the same way I love you. I swear that whatever the future may hold, I will lead the charge and bring us through to the end as long as you remain by my side.” I took a deep breath. “Twilight, words can’t express how much I love you. They can make things sound pretty and they can get the point across, but they can never fully express the way I feel about you. There’s so much I want to say right now, but… I guess the main thing is that I vow to always be in your life. Every step you take, I’ll be backing you one hundred percent, no matter what.”

Twilight looked at me smiled brightly, her eyes glistening. I wanted to tell the wedding to go fuck itself and kiss her then and there, but I didn’t think Twilight would appreciate it. I also doubted that she would appreciate a flying dart in her neck, so I caught it with my left hand. It went straight through, stopping about halfway along its length before it stopped. I took my eyes off of Twilight long enough to locate Blueblood and send him to Esteril, then looked back to Twilight.

“Where were we?” I asked, looking between her and Celestia.

Celestia stared at my hand. “... Did you just save Twilight’s life?” She asked softly.

I pulled the dart out casually and ‘handed’ it to her. “You can keep it as a souvenir if you want. Can we get back to the marrying bit? The kiss is coming up and I’m ready to bloody wet myself in anticipation!”

Celestia gave it a look before turning to Twilight who was watching with a blank look on her face. She was still smiling, but she was obviously confused. “What just happened?”

“Don’t worry about it.” Celestia and I said at the same time. Celestia continued with. “We are sorry for that brief interruption, but now we will begin with Twilight’s vows. Twilight? If you would?

Twilight shook her head. “Uh, yeah.” She looked me in the eye, a question buried beneath the surface. “Max, I vow to love you above all other men, to cherish you for as long as we live, to comfort you when you need me and to give you your space when you don’t. I vow to laugh with you when times are good and to lend you a shoulder when times are bad. I know you would do all this for me and more, but… I love you, Amour. You make my bad days good and my good days better. You make my heart skip a beat every time I look at you, and when we kiss, I never want to let you go. There’s just so much I want to say to you, but I think we’re having the same problem. I guess the thing I want you to know the most is that I’ll always be there for you, Amour, until Equus is long gone and the rest of the world is standing still.”

I smiled at her and forgot about the ache in my hand while Celestia said some more words that weren’t terribly important. There were some murmurs from the crowd about my bleeding hand, but I was too focused on Twilight to really give a damn. We locked eyes and the world around us fell away, leaving us in a little bubble with Celestia babbling in the background, saying boring words about love and whatnot. Spike came around with the rings and Twilight and I put them on each other, the sparkling blue and violet diamonds in her ring matching the smaller stones of the same type in mine. All I needed to hear was ‘You may kiss the bride’ and I gently cupped Twilight’s face before sharing our first kiss as husband and wife together. Her arms snaked around my neck and brought me closer to her while my own hands held her waist, feeling right at home with where I was in the world.

Sadly, I left a bloodstain on Twilight’s dress that was quickly noticed by the crowd. Gasps and cries of shock could be heard, but Twilight waved them off and we continued our kiss, losing ourselves in the sheer elation of the moment. It’s hard to put it into words, but… Man, it really is a fucking bitch. I don’t think I can even come up with something like it. There isn’t a metaphor I can use or a simile that makes sense, but kissing Twilight as her husband… If there’s a better feeling somewhere ahead of me in the long life we’ll share together, then I await it eagerly.

When the gasps of shock were done, there were cheers and I’m sure that there were many pictures taken from just about every angle. When I pulled away from Twilight, she magicked her dress clean and took my left hand in hers moments before fixing it completely like she’d done it a thousand times before. I didn’t need to ask to know that she’d been practicing healing Magic with me in mind for some time now and had been working in the Castle’s Infirmary to help with any little thing she could when she had the free time. Celestia cast another spell herself and I later learned that she was clearing my body of any toxins that may have been on the dart that Blueballs shot at us. Speaking of him, in the spare moments Twilight and I had between the ceremony and the reception, I handed him off to Noir for safekeeping so I could come back and have a proper word with him after everything was said and done.

Twilight and I went to the Banquet Room where we would be holding the primary reception that everyone from Ponyville was invited to, and a few nobles from around the Equestrian territories. It was a terribly boring affair that was far too fucking political for my tastes. Half-truths and double meanings littered conversations with the visiting aristocracy, so I only talked to the seven most important so I could avoid the rest. They could be mad that I preferred to talk to my subjects over them, but after having acknowledged the most prominent of them, they couldn’t really threaten to use their power against any of our cadre without being singled out and eliminated. It had already happened twice and Fleur had taken care of both occasions flawlessly, but that’s a story for another time.

Many hugs were given to friends, and a rather significant amount of gifts were stacked on a wall towards the back of the room, at least three meters high. Twilight had a hand in organizing the boxes, so it was going to be less sucky to get through them, but there was still a load of shit. Like, it was going to take days of spare time to get through them all. I wasn’t prepared for it at all, but I knew Twilight would already have a plan on how to handle it, so I chilled the fuck out quickly before asking her for a dance.

We took to the floor quickly enough and I got the song we’d agreed on started. Luckily Gracile Chimp (The guy from the Crystal Empire party) was available and we got him started on his song Jet Dust, a composition remarkably close to Bonobo’s Black Sands. It was a lovely piece, and as Twilight and I spun around aimlessly on the floor, I couldn’t help but feel like it was a perfect song for a perfect moment. I was glad for the steel toes I’d had put in my dress shoes since Twilight had two left hooves and a mysterious third one that materialized just in time to step on one of my feet again. However, I still had a fantastic time and Twilight actually had to take a moment and collect herself since she was flooded with emotion. Some of the tides rolled onto me, and what beautiful waves of bliss they were.

I got to dance with every one of the girls, including Trixie and my Mum. Trixie was a little put out that her speech at the first reception had been a bit of a bomb (I won’t mention it again, as per her request), but I thought that getting a nice dance out of the night was some form of consolation prize for her. Rarity was a little too close for comfort during her dance, but she just wanted to have a private word about what would happen if I decided to betray Twilight later down the line. I assured her that the only way someone would be allowed to hurt Twilight in any way shape or form was if they were already praying for a horrible death. Fluttershy was happy to let me know that she would be impartial when it came to any arguments between us and Rainbow said that she’d probably just avoid us both if we were fighting, but Applejack said that she would be on my side as long as I was in the right. Pinkie didn’t have much to say, though she did enjoy the dance.

Two hours rolled by like rocks down a mountainside, and when the people I didn’t give two shits about finally left, Twilight and I lead everyone to the real reception where we were keeping all the good booze and buddered-up snacks. Twilight and I wouldn’t be partaking, but it was all well and good for everyone else to have their fill. While the festivities were going on in full swing, Shining cornered me as I was eating some delicious wedding cake (I got some of the cherry chiffon section) and had a word with me.

“It’s official, Max. You’re married to my little Twily.” Shining said, a smile on his face and acceptance in his eyes.

“It’s about time, to be honest with you.Twilight and I have known that we would get married eventually, it was just a matter of having the right place to have the ceremony.” I replied.

“And what a place to have it!” Shining chuckled. “To christen your Castle with a wedding within a month of having it. Kudos to you, buddy!”

“You’re still a little drunk, aren’t you.” I wasn’t really asking.

“You’ve been feeding me booze since I got here, it’d be hard not to be a little tipsy.” Shining said admonishingly. “If Cadance finds out that I’ve been drinking all day, I’m screwed!”

I clapped a hand on his shoulder. “She won’t find out from me, mate, so don’t worry. Though you do realize that I’m officially going to hold this over your head for the rest of your life, right?”

“Don’t be that guy.” Shining begged.

I grinned. “I’m not that much of an arse. Speaking of, how have you been enjoying the night? Things have been going pretty well, yeah?”

“For the most part. Why was your hand bleeding during the ceremony? I’ve been meaning to ask, but I couldn’t find a good time.”

“Remember Blueblood?” I asked.

His brow furrowed. “That cheating snake? Of course.”

“He tried to send a dart into Twilight’s face. Don’t know how, don’t really care, but I caught it and sent him off somewhere unpleasant for awhile.” I shrugged. “It’s not a big deal.”

“... Blueblood tried to kill my little sister.” Shining stated.

I nodded. “It might have been poor aim, but it was heading for Twilight.”

He stared at me. “And you saved her life?”

“I guess you could say that.”

“... Have you told her about it?”

“I might do that tomorrow. No need to make her freak out about almost dying before she could even get her vows out.” I twisted my wedding band, settled nicely on my left ring finger.

Shining suddenly embraced me. “Take care of her, Maximus. I know you will, but I want you to know that I have faith that you’ll do it.”

I hugged him back. “I will, Shining. I swear that I’ll always be by her side.”

He let me go and shed a single tear like an emotional little bitch. “Thank you.” He wiped it away. “You know, now that you two are married, it’s hard to see Twilight with anyone other than you.”

“It’s about time you caught on. The rest of us already knew that.” I jibed.

He rolled his eyes and wiped them one more time. “I hope the rest of your life holds joy and prosperity, brother. I really do.”

“Thank you, Shining. May the force be with you.”

He gave me an odd look and I shrugged, but then Pinkie popped up next to him and stared at the poor fellow until he bid me goodbye. When he was gone, Pinkie turned to me and said, “Well now that Shiny’s gone we can talk! I’m really super liking the party, Maxxy!”

I smiled at her. “I’m glad that you are. Have you been trying any of the marked brownies, or are you sticking with drinking this time around?”

“A little bit of both never killed anypony.” Pinkie beamed.

“True enough, I suppose. Thank you for helping with the decorations and the set up, Pinks.”

“It really wasn’t a problem at all! I’m always happy to help, Maxxy!”

I chuckled. “Still, thank you. Twilight was freaking out about nothing being right until you showed up and made your Magic do its thing.”

Pinkie nodded and her hair flattened slightly. “Right. Speaking of my Magic, I’ve been doing some work behind enemy lines and things are quiet for the time being. Tirek’s assault was supposed to be the start of The War, but when you beat him before they could even see the coast, it killed morale pretty hard.” She chuckled. “Looks like Discord doesn’t know how to fight a war.”

“He’s baiting us.” I said simply. “Don’t get complacent. Keep a sharp eye out when you can, and when you can’t, keep an ear open for any likely rumors.”

She sobered pretty quickly before her hair reinflated. “Okie-dokie-loki! So when do I get to go on a mission with you and our team?”

“Hopefully never. You already see more action than most of us, Pinkie.”

“Oh.” She blinked a few times. “Well that’s weird.”

“So sayeth thee, knave.”

“Begone with thine insolence!” Pinkie replied, thrusting a finger at me.

I booped her. “Cute. I like your dress.”

“Thanks! Rarity made it for me!” Pinkie did a little twirl. “It even makes me look like I have boobies!”

“I’d comment on that, but I literally just got married and I’m not trying to get stabbed before I get a chance to do anything.”

She pouted. “Aww! Just when I look my best, you won’t even look!”

“I’ll look when you get married.” I chuckled.

She groaned. “But Cheese Sandwich is gonna wanna watch if we do anything, and if he gets to watch then Twilight is gonna wanna watch and I don’t know if I can perform with a real audience!”

I patted her head consolingly. “You’re assuming that I’m sticking my dick in you, and that’s just unlikely.”

She glared up at me. “I’ll get me some of you one of these days!”

“Nah.”

“Don’t you ‘Nah’ me!”

“Nah, I do what I want.”

“Then do me!”

“Nah.”

Pinkie growled and stormed off in a pretend huff for comedic effect. I went back to drinking some wine that was nice and sweet while scanning the crowd for someone else to talk to. My eyes locked with Spike’s and he left Apple Bloom’s side to come and talk to me for a moment.

“Max! So you’re really my big brother now.” He said with a grin.

“I really am, Spike.” I chuckled. “How are things at the library? I imagine that having your own place has been having its ups and downs.”

He shrugged. “It’s actually just like when you and Twilight used to go off for official business or when you’d just go and spend time at your house. Being all alone doesn't bother me most of the time, but I really want Apple Bloom to come and stay with me.”

“It really does help to have someone else in the house when you’re not used to being alone. I know that being able to sleep in the same bed as Twilight every night is pretty great “

Spike smiled. “So what are you two supposed to do after the reception? I mean, it’s not like there’s another party after this one, right?”

I raised a brow. “There’s another party after this one, but it’s extremely selective. Only two people get to go most of the time.”

He tilted his head and gave me the oddest look until it clicked. His face grew bright red and he shook his head. “Don’t you guys do that all the time anyway?”

“Actually, tonight’s the first time.” I said casually.

“That makes no sense.”

“It doesn’t have to. At least, not to you.” I shined my nails on the jacket of my tux.

“Whatever you say, dude. I just wanted to tell you that I’m glad we’re actual brothers now.”

“Same here, little bro. If you ever need anything, feel free to talk to me.”

“Well, I could actually use some more meat, now that I think about it. Could you have your chef send some more over?”

“Will do, mate.”

Spike fucked off to go back to enjoying the party and I wandered into the crowd for a little bit to go and find Twilight, but on the way, I was stopped by quite a few people. Fluttershy had been looking for me and wanted to tell me that she was happy for me, Applejack gave me a bottle of Zap Apple Jack for later, Fleur gave me another hug, Crimson was drunk and wanted a hug like Fleur, Noir came back and told me that Blueblood was secured for my visit, and Luna took me aside for a quick word.

“Congratulations, Maximus. It would seem that your resolve was stronger than your anxiety from the past few days.” Luna complimented.

“It had to be, Lulu. How could I tell Twilight that I was afraid to get married, but not afraid to risk my life in a war?” I shook my head, smiling at the absurdity.

Luna chuckled. “Indeed. It would be ludicrous to fret over such a matter when you have faced far scarier obstacles in the past.”

“Right?” I nodded. “So what made you come and get me? Are you looking for something in particular, or… ?”

“No, I just wanted to speak with you.” Luna replied evenly.

I let out a sigh of relief. “Good. I thought you might be trying to give me some bad news or something.”

“Must I always be the bearer of bad news?” Luna asked.

“No, but you’re damn good at it. I’d give you a few examples, but I’m sure you can remember.”

“There have been a few occurrences.” She acquiesced. “Like the news that you had Dark Magic eating away at your soul.”

I sighed. “Speaking of Noir, I hope she’s enjoying the party. I know it’s not really her scene, but I want her to have a good time.”

“She is an adapter, much like the rest of us. Noir will fit in where she pleases, Maximus, so do not forget that.”

“I won’t. If you see her, send her over to me, will you?”

Luna nodded and accepted my none-to-subtle dismissal so I could go and find Twilight. I didn’t have to look terribly hard since I knew she would be in the largest cluster of people, so I just went where the party was densest and saw many of my female friends and relatives complementingcomplimenting Twilight on her ring. I sat back for a little while until people started noticing me and let me in to see my wife… God, it’s still fucking radical to see that in writing. Twilight is my wife.

I came face to face with Twilight and we shared a kiss before saying anything. “How are you enjoying the night, Cherry?”

“Oh Max, it’s been wonderful! The way you carried on after that little snafu during the vows was simply marvelous!” Twilight beamed before hugging me tightly. “I’m so glad tonight is happening!”

I craned my neck down to whisper in her ear. “It only gets better from here, Cherry. Keep that in mind.” I nibbled on her ear and she squeezed my arm, giving me a half-lidded look for a few seconds.

“I have a surprise for you and I just know that you’re going to love it.” She kissed my cheek.

I returned the affectionate gesture. “I can’t wait. Once we get the rabble rousers out of here, tonight is going to be magical.”

Twilight chuckled. “Don’t be too eager, okay? We still have a while to go before we can slip off into the night.”

I slipped my left hand through reality as I knew it to palm Twilight’s rear under her dress. She bit her lip before kissing me on the jaw, a sure sign of fun to be had in the near future. “Patience, Amour. If I can do it, you can do it.”

I let my hand return to my side and gave her a devilish smile. “Fair’s fair, I guess. Wanna make some rounds?”

Twilight reached for my hand and I gave it to her shortly before we started walking around, talking to the little groups that had formed around the room. Fleur, Fancy, and Crimson had been talking about a certain something that shouldn’t be recorded in these pages. Terribly naughty business. The girls were talking to Celestia and Noir about something or other before Twilight and I arrived, and when we came over, the brightly colored ones gushed some more over Twilight’s… Everything, basically. I took to Noir and Celestia for a moment to see what they were up to.

“So, ladies. How fares the night?” I asked magnanimously.

Celestia rolled her eyes at my shenanigans. “It was wise of you to have two different receptions. I don’t think Twilight could have withstood being embarrassed by her real dancing in front of the full crowd.”

Noir chimed in. “Speaking of, how are your toes? I could not help but notice that Twilight was often standing on them for the duration of your dance.”

I knocked the tip of my shoe against the ground. “I had steel inserts put in. I know my Cherry well.”

My mentor chuckled. “You truly are a bright mind. Tell me, what do you plan on doing with her after the reception ends? I know you two have been awaiting this day for some time now.”

I raised a brow at her. “I’m planning on making the night quite memorable, if that’s what you’re getting at.”

Celestia shook her head. “I’m sure you’ll make Twilight an even happier woman tonight. Really Max, I know it meant the world to Twilight to have you involved in the wedding preparations, and having things go so smoothly after that little incident just makes the night that much better.”

I massaged my hand. “Yeah, I’ve got plans for Blueblood too. Your permission pending, of course.

The Solar Diarch’s eyes went cold. “He tried to assassinate my surrogate daughter. He’s yours to do with as you see fit.”

Noir chuckled darkly. “We will see him through to the afterlife in time, though I would like to ask your assistance in one of my sessions with him. I always find that having extra help never hurts.”

“You’ll have it however you’d like it.” Celestia nodded once.

“Kinky.” I chimed in. “I’ll get to have a hand in this, yeah?”

“It’s your operation, Maximus.” Noir replied.

“Blueblood went after your wife. It is your right to handle him however you see fit.” Celestia said, scorn entering her voice.

I grinned evilly. “Good. I have some interesting plans that I’ll need some help with.”

“Name your task.” Noir said.

“Whatever I can do.” Celestia said simultaneously.

“Healing.” I said simply.

They looked at each other before looking back to me with a grin on their faces. “No problem.” Celestia replied.

“I would read your mind, but I would like to see what you come up with as the time comes.” Noir stroked her chin. “Thought your idea with the nails was interesting.”

“It gets better. I thought of another way to use them.” I said, glancing over to see Twilight looking at me. “Time’s up, ladies. I’ve gotta go attend to the wifey, you two focus on the festivities.”

“Of course. Have fun with your happiness, Max.” Noir said warmly, switching tack easily.

Celestia did the same with even less effort. “Treat her well, Max. If I catch you taking her for granted, I’m going to start with fingers and move on to floppier things.”

I resisted the temptation to hold myself and fuck off then and there. “Understood. See you ladies later.”

They waved me off as I went back to go see Twilight, and when we met up, we continued our circuit around the room until we met our parents while they were all talking to each other. Onyx was steadily giving Night Light a glare that obviously made the fellow uncomfortable, but Blue and Velvet had chosen to ignore them and were talking freely to each other. Twilight and I decided to join them instead of our fathers for obvious reasons.

“Baby, Twilight! You’ve finally decided to wander over and see your parents.” Blue said warmly.

I shrugged. “You’re just not as high on the list as wine and interruptions. From the way you’re talking, it sounds like you thought we wouldn’t want our dear old hangers-on to bask in the glory of our moment for as long as possible. We both know that to be untrue.”

Blue sighed hard. “In my defense, I tried warning Twilight that Max was unbalanced and would take a saint’s patience to deal with.”

Velvet just blinked at me. “That was most likely one of the most narcissistic statements I’ve ever heard, and I knew Blueblood for years.”

Twilight squeezed my hand. “What Max really means is that you were on the top of the list, it’s just that we got caught up by just about everyone and their best friend on the way. Being on the far side of the room didn’t really help us get to you any faster, in our defense.”

“I like my version better.” I checked my fingernails. There was a speck of blood under one.

Twilight bumped me with her shoulder. “Shush, mister! Arrogance is not allowed in the Twilight Zone!”

I felt my face warm slightly from the double entendre. “Shushing.”

Blue’s brows raised. “She understands and then she commands! I think you two will be just fine.”

Velvet giggled, her face rosy. “I’d be scared if I were you too, Max.” Someone definitely got it.

Twilight flushed as the knowledge was traded. She hit the panic button pretty hard when she figured out that her mother knew, but I pulled her closer and hugged her with one arm. I was stifling giggles, but she appreciated the gesture nonetheless.

My Mum was the only one who didn’t know what was going on and she played her part well. “Right? Especially on their wedding night. Being stuck in another room entirely would be awful!”

My wife squeezed me. “I couldn’t do that to us. Missing the night of our wedding would be the worst!”

“Can I talk yet?” I whispered in her ear.

“You’re fine, Amour.” Twilight gave me a peck on the cheek.

“Yes. Yes I am, aren’t I?”

“You’re getting close to shush time again.” Twilight warned.

“Oh come on! I just married the best bachelorette this side of the hundredth dimension: Let me be happy and braggadocious for like, an hour!”

She rolled her eyes. “You get one more.”

“I’ll savour it when I find the right time.” I sighed longingly.

Blue and Velvet tittered like clucking hens and spoke rapidly to each other in half-formed thoughts and incomprehensible sentences while giggling and smiling the entire time. With their attention diverted for the time being, I took the opportunity to get another handful of Twilights pleasant posterior. She leaned into my chest a bit more and sighed contentedly. Our parents took notice and assumed Twilight was tired and thus they began the end of the party. We passed out more hugs and got more than a few knowing looks from those who were married as we went through the guests we’d entertained for the night. By the end on the hugging and handshaking, I was glad for the end since I was feeling a bit drained. I asked Twilight if she minded casting a reinvigorating spell and she hit me with the one that she had been conjuring for herself rather selflessly.

It was agreed the the party would continue for as long as there were people to keep it going and that everyone present for the end was encouraged to nab a room. There were still servants making rounds with drinks as we left by Twilight’s Teleportation. Our room was two entire halls, if that tells you anything of the size of our own private chambers. Twilight and I appeared in the middle of our room, still holding hands. We looked around for a moment before looking at each other, and when our eyes met, wet both let out a somewhat shaky breath.

“Almost three years in the making.” Twilight murmured.

“All the waiting… This is it.” I took a deep breath and smiled easily at Twilight. “Come hither, sweet Cherry, bliss awaits you this night.” I let go of her hand and held her arm, leaning down so that our noses were nearly touching.

Twilight slowly closed her eyes. “And many more nights in the future, dear Amour.” She closed the slight distance between us and we embraced passionately, taking our fill our each other.

The hunger was not so easily satiated.

(Ctrl+F Long Time Cumming is Over To Skip)

Twilight and I stood in the middle of the room, our lips pressed against each other’s as if it was the last time we would ever do so, but the feeling of the kiss was flooded with the same emotions that had washed over me during the first. I felt Twilight’s vibe, her aura, shift and swirl, giving me different impressions and reactions until I deemed it an appropriate time to nibble on her lip a little. The simple little action incensed Twilight and she wrapped her arms around my neck and held me closer. During a moment of vulnerability, Twilight seized control of the kiss abruptly and surprised me with a pleasant amount of tongue.

I wrestled against her for momentum, but Twilight’s tongue game was beating some of my best efforts. She was damn good at kissing by now, and those wonderfully soft lips of hers just made the experience that much sweeter, but I eventually had to make her submit to my prowess so we could move things along a little. We’d been kissing for some time and I’d been trying to get Twilight to go where she wanted, but it seemed as though I would be in control for most of the night.

I started by kissing Twilight’s jaw, being careful to apply a little more pressure where the jaw hinges. Twilight accepted my affection wonderfully, so while I did that, I reached behind her and began stroking her wings with True Theft. I moved onto nibbling on Twilight’s neck and her wings slowly expanded to their full length under my careful attention, but they weren’t where I wanted them to be yet. My wife allowed me to control the pacing without a doubt in her mind about my performance and I was touched by her absolute confidence in me. That inspired me to go above and beyond, so I started massaging the pleasure nodes in her wings, a hard thing to do while you’re trying to kiss your way up someone’s neck.

Our lips met once again and I continued to tease and manipulate Twilight’s wings, making her grip my arms tightly. “Max~” She cooed coquettishly. “You’ve been teasing me for years! Let’s just do it!”

“A little more patience, Cherry.” I kissed her briefly. “It’ll be that much better if you wait a bit for it.”

She moaned as I squeezed one of the nodes on her wings. “Fine, but you better deliver!”

I kissed her one more time. “I promise. Now, how do I get you out of this dress?”

Twilight’s horn lit up and she turned around, narrowly missing me with one of her wings. “The zipper is tricky, so I just used Magic. I hope I didn’t take away from the moment.”

I helped ease her arms out of the sleeves. “Not at all. Frustrating zippers take more out of the moment than burping.”

Twilight hiccupped adorably. “Oh my.”

I chuckled and assisted with removing her dress the rest of the way, admiring her curves as I slid the beautiful garment down even more tantalizing legs. Instead of responding, I let my hand glide across Twilight’s stockings as I trailed them up to her garter belt. When I rose behind her and held her for a moment, she let me have it until I let her go so she could face me again. I appreciated the violet lace combo she’d gone with, though I wasn’t fond of the push-up variety of bra for their dishonesty. Still, it made Twilight’s breasts look delectable, but before I could be allowed a taste of Heaven, I had to disrobe.

My wife was ardent with undressing me, though I was proud that she abstained from using Magic to get what she wanted sooner. My tie (Made by Rarity) was tossed to the side along with my dress shirt, undershirt, and trousers. I’m not a fucking weirdo, so I took my socks off because what man wears socks during sex? Once Twilight and I were in an equal state of undress, we began again, but the overpowering energy behind Twilight’s movements was gone. Instead, she felt a little more relaxed and prepared for the coming event, even slowing down far enough so that we could share control of the kiss equally instead of trying to wrest it away from each other.

Twilight let her hands wander over my body as I allowed mine to do the same with hers, though I found myself most often attracted to her round, full arse. Twilight was fond of my rear as well, but more often than not, her hands were on my chest or my arms, gently probing them for any softness that might lie within. I doubted that she found much if any, but I know she liked what she got.

On a whim, I picked Twilight up and she wrapped her legs around me, my semi-erect member lying in wait between her thighs as I guided us over to our bed. When we got there, I laid Twilight down gently and began trailing kisses down her neck to her collarbones, sweeping across them with gentle caresses of my lips. We’d done it all before, to be fair, but there was something different about this time. Something entirely especial on its own. As I kissed my way past Twilight’s clothed breasts, I reached up to fondle one and she pressed my hand more firmly against it. Her lovely purple eyes met my green and blue ones.

Twilight gave me a lascivious look. “Take it off. It’s just in the way.”

I gave her a toothy grin. “You don’t have to tell me twice.”

I reached behind her and unhooked the obstacle with a well practiced ease. Twilight shrugged her bra off and allowed me to feel her breasts with intent. She leaned back and let me work as I gently fondled her breasts, just barely applying pressure to her already hard nipple as I teased her. I could already smell that she was aroused, but I wanted to make this one of the best nights of her life, so we were going to take it slow and steady. After levitating Twilight a bit further onto the bed, I crawled over to her slowly, smiling like a fool the entire time. Twilight’s attempt at a sexy ‘Come hither’ were simply adorable, so when I stopped, propping myself up over her, we both had a little giggle before we kissed once more.

I scooted back a bit and lowered my face to Twilight’s chest, her heart hammering loudly behind flesh and bone. I knew what the plan was, and as I pressed my lips against the softness of her left breast, she ran her fingers through my hair and murmured, “Just like that, Amour. I think I can wait.”

I let the tip of my tongue drag along the fine, short fur of her breasts on my spiraling path up to her sensitive little nipples. “I’m glad you came around. This is gonna be good, my love.”

Twilight laid her head back. “I believe you, Amour. I believe you.”

I took her nipple in my mouth and sucked gently, rolling the tip around with my tongue. She gasped at the feeling and I increased the pressure ever so slightly and nibbled on her nipple as if I was trying to eke out a little milk. There was none to be had, sadly, but Twilight’s breast’s did taste faintly of well-aged wine and that was nice in itself. I took my time on her chest because it was a nice place to do so, all the while I kept both of my hands busy one way or the other. I occasionally stroked Twilight’s thigh a few times because I like them a lot, but I mostly focused on her breasts.

When I’d had my fill, I asked, “Could you roll over for me, Cherry? We’re moving onto something that might be a bit more fun.”

Twilight purred. “Happily.” She did as I’d asked and flicked her tail at me. “So what’s on your mind, Amour? Did you just want to enjoy the view?” Her face grew redder at the last part.

I repositioned myself to be directly over her legs. I took a moment to squeezed her rear with both hands because I could and gave each plump cheek a light spank. “The view is lovely, but I thought a loving wing massage would be nice to start with.”

She giggled. “You say that, but all I feel is your hands on my flank.”

I gave her another squeeze. “What can I say? I like what I see!”

We both chuckled a little more while I hooked my finger into the waistband of her knickers. Twilight looked back to see what I was doing, but it wasn’t time to take them off just yet. No, instead I positioned myself so I could reach Twilight’s wings and have a little fun for myself. With my rod pressed against her bottom, I started gently manipulating the nodes that lined Twilight wings. She sighed in content as I started, but as I began to add more pressure, her sighs turned into moans and her wings returned to their fully stretched out state. I ground my thumbs against the joints of her wings and Twilight’s breath hitched, her moans giving way to pleasure-filled whimpers until the point where I brought her around to her first climax. I was fully erect and ready to move on to the next phase of my operation, but Twilight had other plans.

After a little cool down on her wing massage, Twilight rolled around and shoved me onto my back, planting her hands squarely on my chest. “Alright, Amour. It’s your turn~” Twilight leaned down to kiss my jaw.

I placed my hands on her hips. “I figured we could do that last-”

“Nope. You’re getting a present before we do anything else. That was too nice to just let go unrewarded!”

I chuckled and propped myself up for another kiss that Twilight kindly let me have. “Ravish me then, you ruffian! You may take my body, but you’ll never take my pride!”

She rolled her eyes, smiling brilliantly. “Now you just sit back and let your sweet little Cherry make you feel good, okay?”

I did as she asked, assisting her in strippng my boxers when the time came. The first thing I felt was Twilight’s dainty little hand wrap itself around my member gingerly, giving it a little squeeze before she stroked me once slowly. As nice as her hand felt, I was waiting for the moment when Twilight would place her lips upon my tip, and when that moment came, it was better than any other time previously. She planted a kiss on my head and I stole a few pillows from somewhere on the bed to prop myself up so I could watch as Twilight worked. She popped my tip into her mouth and licked it lovingly before bobbing her head. I felt myself touch the back of her throat on her second go ‘round, but when she suddenly opened her throat and swallowed me down to the base, my eyes shot open and I bucked involuntarily, making Twilight’s head bounce.

She didn’t bite me, much to my surprise, but she wasn’t too keen on deepthroating me again and it showed in her technique. I let her do as she pleased for a few minutes, not bothering to try and guide her. I thought it would be a good time to let both of us show how much we knew of each other, and by Twilight’s masterful ministrations, I’d say she knows me pretty damn well. All too soon, my time was coming.

“Cherry, I’m almost there.” I moaned.

She stopped sucking and started stroking me with her hand. “Patience, Amour.”

I sighed. “You’re going to be the death of me, woman.”

Twilight grinned and wiped her lips off. “Do you want me to start again?”

“Oh my God, please!” I practically begged.

Twilight chuckled and gave me a long lick from base to tip, wrapping her tongue around my shaft like Fleur once had shortly before vacuuming my member into her mouth and sucking with fervor. I was over the limit within mere moments, spraying my load into Twilight’s mouth seemingly unendingly. It was a fantastic orgasm that made my toes curl and elicited a manly moan of approval. Much to my pleasure, Twilight remembered to show me before she swallowed, and as I watched her throat work, I felt another wave of lust wash over me.

“Alright, it’s my turn now.” I gave Twilight a toothy grin.

She sat back with her arms behind her, so I shoved some pillows behind her and told her to lay back. Twilight did as I asked and I set myself to removing her now-sodden panties from her dripping sex. The scent of her arousal hit me in the nose like never before, and to sate myself for just a moment, I ran a finger along Twilight’s folds and collected some of the dew that lay there. She gasped at my touch, and when I brought my finger to my lips, I had her full attention while I tasted her.

“As sweet as ever.” I said more to myself than to her.

Twilight colored and spread her legs. “Don’t you want to try me straight from the… ‘Honeypot’, as you might write?”

It was my turn to blush. “I’ll bite you, Twilight. I really will.”

She chuckled as I crept closer, beginning with kisses along her thighs and gentle caresses along her legs. “A little nibble wouldn’t hurt”

I gave her a quick smile before returning to the task at hand, attempting to get myself into a sort of rhythm. I generally try not to talk too much during sex since it’s distracting unless it’s well warranted dirty talk, so I picked up where I left off on the kisses and alternated between each thigh as I had been. Twilight muttered her approval every now and again, but I could feel impatience rolling off of her in waves, so I surprised her with a spontaneous lick to her labia. She spasmed, squeezing my head between her legs for a moment. It wasn’t hard enough to make me worried, so I began laying more kisses around her lips, making sure never to actually come into contact with the more sensitive areas.

Twilight sighed. “I didn’t think I would be so sensitive after a wing massage.”

I took a moment to lick her mons. “I’m just glad you’re liking it. I’ve dreamt of this night for a long time.”

Twilight tried to respond as I let the tip of my tongue dance across her lips. “I-I feel the same way, A-Amour.”

“I know. That’s what makes it even sweeter.” I kissed her lips and got a proper taste of Twilight.

She moaned and ran her fingers through my hair, resisting the urge to bury my face between her legs. “Max~” She cooed in a way that was absolutely stiffening.

After quickly deciding not to tease her any longer, I finally got started in earnest with Twilight, licking her outer lips while teasing her inner ones with a finger. I licked and nibbled on her puffy outer lips to my heart’s content, but Twilight had been right when she asked if I wanted to taste her straight from the source. I entered her with my tongue and tried spelling out a love story with the tip, earning Twilight’s enthusiasm as she pressed my face against her sex more and more. Once I’d lapped up plenty of her nectar, I started my assault on her clitoris, peeling back the hood to expose the tender little nubbin while I tried slipping my middle finger into Twilight’s tight walls.

I found her G-Spot with no issues mere moments after latching onto her clit with my mouth. As I rolled the nub around with my tongue, I stroked Twilight from the inside with a singular finger, trying to make the orgasm worthwhile for her. She continued making noises of approval along with moans as I toiled away, and when the magic moment came, I wasn’t prepared for how much Twilight would gush into my face. I tried my hardest to catch every drop of her nectar in my mouth, but some inevitably went to waste while Twilight was in the throes of her climax. As she writhed and twitched, I rode out the worst of it with my face still firmly planted between her legs so I could try and get her off one more time before she quieted down, but it just wasn’t in the cards for me. Twilight came down from her orgasm after a little while and I decided to cuddle up next to her and rub her tummy for a little bit.

“Oh my gosh, I’ve been waiting for that all day.” Twilight sighed dreamily.

I stroked her tummy in little circles. “And here I thought that you might not be in the mood or something when the time came.”

She scoffed. “What gave you that impression?”

“Irrational fear.” I chuckled.

Twilight mumbled something incomprehensible before saying, “There’s still more to tonight, isn’t there?”

“Of course there is! What kind of wedding night would it be without some extra goodness?”

She placed her hand over mine as I rubbed her stomach. “I wouldn’t mind if we stopped here. I mean-”

“Nah.”

Twilight rolled around to give me a look. “What do you mean, ‘Nah’?”

“I mean we’re going all the way tonight, if you’re up for it.”

She smiled nervously. “I don’t know, Max… It just… Well, it seems kinda scary now that we’re actually going to do it.”

I gave her a long kiss, hoping to convey my feelings perfectly. “If you don’t want to, we don’t have to. We can spend the rest of the night doing something else.”

Twilight gave me a kiss and a warm smile. “That’s one of the reasons why I love you, Max. You’re always so considerate of my feelings when it comes to these kinds of things.”

”I try to be considerate of your feelings all the time.”

“It shows.” She said comfortingly. “Even if you don’t always succeed, it shows.”

I gave her a peck. “Thank you. It’s nice to know that my efforts are being noticed.”

Twilight gave me a sultry little smirk and her hand slid down my stomach, eading further south until she reached what she’d been aiming for. “You know I was just teasing you about doing it tonight, right?”

My breath hitched as she began stroking. “I was hoping that you were, but you can never know.”

She kissed me more passionately this time around and let my member throb in her soft, fuzzy hand. “I was. I want you tonight, Amour, and I want you now.”

I rose from my side and Twilight shifted around quickly so that her legs were wrapped around me. I couldn’t help myself as I stroked them once more, her words sinking in as I realized that I was really about to have sex with the woman who had once nearly gotten me labeled as a rapist due to her own lack of knowledge on the subject. The fact that both of us were sober this time around, years after we’d met, and now we were married and prepared for our first time together… It was a fantastic feeling that I’ll never forget for as long as I live.

“Max? What are you waiting for?” Twilight asked a little anxiously.

I shook my head and pressed my bell-head against her entrance. “Savoring the moment, Cherry. I want to remember this for as long as I can.”

Twilight’s horn flashed briefly. “And we will.” She smiled at me. “I can’t say that I haven’t been waiting for this moment ever since we first played with that rotor.”

“Back at your house, when I asked to be in charge of the controls.” I said.

“Exactly! Ever since then.” She sighed.

I added a little more pressure with the tip of my member, lubricating it with her juices. “I’ve been waiting since you came onto me before the welcoming party. Your naughty side is still one of the most enticing things about you, especially when you get embarrassed.” I eased the tip into her.

Twilight gasped and placed a hand on my chest. “A bit slower please!”

I stopped moving so she could get used to me. “As slow as you want to go, Cherry. We have the whole night.”

She gave me a tight smile. “Can I take back what I said earlier? It is kinda scary now that we’re actually doing it.”

I leaned forward and gave her a long, slow kiss with a little tongue just to keep things interesting. Twilight responded with enthusiasm for the entire duration. So much so that she barely noticed as I slowly slid about a third of my total length into her before reaching her hymen. Her breathing increased rapidly when we felt the symbol of her virginity bar the path of my member, but instead of letting go of her, I held her more tightly and pressed the kiss for as long as I could, giving Twilight ample time to get used to my lifelong friend.

As I was easing myself into a slight rhythm, Twilight suddenly used Magic to make my hips thrust forward, tearing through her hymen in one clean shot. She cried out and embraced me tightly, doing her best to limit my ability to breath while I tried not to blow my load early from the sheer amount of pressure Twilight’s inner walls were exerting against my member. I swear I could feel every little bump, every fold in her honeypot that made the experience shine like no other. Feeling Twilight’s very depths in reality instead of the dreamscape was amazing, and when she eased up enough for me to pull out a bit, I was in Heaven from the waist down.

Instead of trying to jump straight into things, I took it slow and offered Twilight more pain-relieving kisses that she accepted gratefully. I couldn’t wait to get to the good old-fashioned loving, but the tender stuff was the order of the day, so I played especially nice and made sure that Twilight was taken care of before doing anything that would be pleasant for myself. I peppered Twilight’s face with little kisses and gave her lips plenty of attention, but what I was focused on was making sure Twilight was still feeling pleasure through the pain. I started in on her neck once more, though this time I did more gentle biting and hard sucking than kissing. Her moans told me that I was doing pretty okay, and when I started easing my hips to and fro, Twilight responded much more happily.

“That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.” She said between steadily lightening breaths.

“It would suck if it was just painful.” I said with some effort. Twilight’s tightness really wasn’t something to turn one’s nose up at.

Twilight gave me a lovely little kiss. “I think I’m okay now. I want you to try going a bit quicker.”

“Let me know if I start going too fast, okay? Don’t let me hurt you.” “I kissed her once more.

She smiled shyly. “I don’t think you would do it on purpose.”

“I would never hurt you on purpose. The feeling isn’t mutual-” Twilight flicked my nose. “Ow. Case in point.”

Twilight opened her mouth to say something and I withdrew my member as she tried to vocalize her dissent, though I didn’t suddenly pull out of anything. I just receded at a moderate pace and thrust into her at about the same speed. She was reduced to adorable grunts of pleasure instead of silly words, so I just smiled and went on about my business. Twilight’s entrance gripped me every step of the way, testing my endurance, but through sheer force of will, I started a decent pace for us and stuck to it for a good ten minutes so Twilight could experience missionary properly.

After fifteen or so minutes of gentle, standard loving, I asked Twilight if she wanted to try another position, but she just moaned and begged me to keep going. I thought that it sounded an awful lot like an invitation to go faster, so I picked up the pace and Twilight’s slippery folds offered little in the way of resistance against my newly found ardor. Apparently all I’d needed to do was go a little faster because my wife had her climax after six more thrusts at the heightened pace.

When Twilight came, the ridiculous tightness of her marvelous honeypot became even more incredible, leaving me with no more will left to go. I couldn’t even pull out to thrust when my first shot came, but it’s not as though I would have wanted to anyway. I could feel Twilight’s cervix from my current positioning, and since she was holding me tightly with her legs, I couldn’t have gone anywhere, even if I’d wanted to. Still, My second orgasm of the night was incredible as Twilight held me close, practically vibrating as she withstood her first orgasm from sex. I had seven shots to spill deep within Twilight’s walls, and while we were still connected at the hips, our juices occasionally dripped from her honeypot, most likely staining the comforter. It wasn’t that important, but I like to keep my things nice, dammit!

While Twilight was still coming down from her climax, I was on the rise, preparing for my third load of the night. My stamina hadn’t been tested like this in a good couple of months, but I was ready and willing to keep going if Twilight could find it in herself to let me keep abusing her poor little previously-virgin entrance. My wife finally let me go after a full minute of post-orgasmic cuddling and laid back on the bed, her eyes closed and her breathing still somewhat heavy.

“Oh dear Celestia…” Twilight murmured.

“Oi!” I said, offended.

She opened one eye to look at me. “It’s just a saying, Amour.”

“Why are you saying someone else’s name after sex? That’s like, no-no number one!” I bitched.

Twilight sighed. “I can’t even think straight right now and you want me to what now?”

I eased myself out of Twilight until only the tip was left inside before hilting her out of nowhere, making her cry out in shock. “Ah! Max~!”

“That’s better.” I huffed.

She gave me the cutest little glare you might have ever seen. “You are not going to use sex as a new way to mess with me.”

I collected her legs and held them over one of my shoulders. “What if I use sex as a new way to fuck with you?”

“Double entendres aren’t that funny.” She sniffed.

I pulled all the way out of Twilight and she made a disapproving noise. “Please put it back.”

I gave her a smile and did as she asked. “So we’re not done yet?”

“I can go for one more. I really want to see if you have another position up your sleeve.”

“We’re already in it.” I said, lining myself up with her entrance.

“Oh.”

I raised a brow. “Would you like to try another one?”

“No, I just thought I was going to have to move.”

I levitated her a few inches off of the bed and eased myself into her creamy folds, watching as drops of my semen mixed with her juices flowed from her fuzzy lips. “Nope, just stay floating and this should be a breeze.”

Twilight nodded and I got started, beginning with a nice slow pace to let her get used to the new position for a little while. Twilight was still as tight as before, but now that I could move her entire body without any effort, things were easier on me. Time after time, I hilted Twilight and bumped against her womb, each time eliciting another gasp from Twilight as I reached her deepest depths with room to spare. She still couldn’t take my entire length, but I was willing to bet that she would be able to in the coming months. It was a worthwhile thought, considering how I knew Twilight in the biblical sense now.

Twilight liked the butterfly position well enough, but when I changed things up a bit (moving onto doggy-style), she responded well and encouraged me to pick up the pace. I did as she asked, and after seven minutes of some good loving, Twilight was cumming all over again, but this time, she couldn’t wrap her legs around me to make me stop moving. I continued to thrust into her through her orgasm this time around, doing my best to bring Twilight back to the same level of ecstasy. Sadly, all I did was prolong her orgasm, but when the two minute mark came around and she was still crying out in bliss, I slowed down and paid attention to her eyes, seeing little drops of liquid at the corners. I was sure that I’d given Twilight a bit too much for how early we were in the game, so I slowed down even further and waited until Twilight’s breathing went back to normal before I even thought about moving again.

She twitched at every minute movement, but I wasn’t quite satisfied. I wasn’t even close yet and now that I’d had a taste of Ambrosia, I wanted more and more. Unfortunately, I felt some unease coming from Twilight, so I stopped entirely and shifted us around so we were back in the missionary position.

My wife looked up to me with relief in her eyes. “Are we done already?” She asked, feigning surprise.

“I’m not going to push you during your first time.” I said softly before kissing her. “I told you to tell me if I started hurting you, Cherry.”

Twilight blushed. “You weren’t hurting me, I was just... “ She grew a deeper shade of red. “I was just a bit sensitive.”

I started to pull out and she moaned loudly, so I left myself within her honeypot. “You were starting to have a bad time.”

She placed her hands around my neck and gave me a remorseful smile. “Maybe we can get back to it when I’m less sensitive?”

I gave her another kiss. “We can pick up where we left off in the morning. This isn’t a one night deal, if you recall.” I teased.

My wife beamed. “I might have gotten a bit caught up in the moment. Wow…” She paused for dramatic effect. “We have the rest of our lives to do this. We can have… You know, whenever we want.”

I rolled my eyes. “You still can’t say sex?”

She blushed again. “It’s a dirty word!”

“And you’re a dirty little girl.” I grinned.

“... I’m really tempted to ask you to pull out right now.” Twilight said.

I rolled my eyes again. “Fine. You’re an incredibly sexy young woman.”

“Better. As long as I’m not your ‘little girl’.” Twilight said disdainfully.

I chuckled. “It would make me sound like a creep.” I shifted one of Twilight’s legs and laid down with her, facing her back.

Twilight cooed and moaned as I moved without breaking our connection. “If you start calling me a little girl during sex, I’m going to start calling you Daddy in front of people.”

“Fucking weird.”

“That’s why I would do it.” Twilight said simply, wiggling her bottom against me in the most delectable way.

I stifled a moan and threw an arm over her. “I hope you don’t. I’m not going to be calling you a little girl anytime soon.”

“Good.” She sighed, moments before redirecting the hand that had been on her tummy to her breast.

I gave her a little squeeze. “So you’re not going to try and boss me around now that we’re married, are you?”

Twilight turned her head. “Why would I ever try and do that? Besides, you pretty much do anything I ask of you as it is.”

“Keep it reasonable and it’ll stay that way.” I replied.

“Well, it’s not like I’d ask you to do something that I wouldn’t do myself. Except for maybe talking to certain people, I don’t think that there’s much I would ask you to do in my stead.”

“Yeah, but you would ask me to go deliver a note to Rarity for some bullshit.”

Twilight put her hand over mine and pressed it against her breast more firmly. “You didn’t have anything to do, so why not?”

I let my hand rest. “You could have magicked it to her, dammit!” I chuckled.

Twilight made an exasperated noise. “It got you off the throne for a little bit, so don’t complain.”

“Yeah, whatever.” I said noncommittally.

“Should you really be irritating the woman you’re inside of?”

“I’ve had better ideas.” I admitted.

“Right. So hush hush and figure out a way for me to sleep on you while keeping you inside of me.”

I pulled out of Twilight slowly and she spasmed occasionally as I did so. Once I was out, I levitated her into position so that she would be laying on my chest while I was within her walls, though getting her back onto my rod was a different story. It was a little difficult to get my member back within her walls, but once I had it in, Twilight sighed and we lowered her until she was full of me again.

(Ctrl+F Long Time Cumming is Over To Skip)

“How’s this?” I asked.

“It’s good. I really good.” Twilight replied softly.

“You really what now?”

Twilight didn’t respond, so I listened carefully and heard that her breathing was slowly leveling out, signifying that she was out for the count. I didn’t mind that she’d literally and figuratively fallen asleep on my chest. In fact, I thought it was simply the cutest thing and took my time in joining her in dreamland. I spent a about half an hour just looking at her, brushing stray locks of hair from her face, and listening to her breathing and heart-beat as time carried on. I didn’t want the night to end just yet, so I stole my journal and my writing utensils so I could write all of this down.

The Sun is getting ready to rise as I’m writing this and I can’t really help but feel that there’s nothing better than the sight of the sky lightening on the first day of my forever with Twilight. Her memory spell is still in effect and I can feel every moment worming its way deeper into my subconscious as well as being stored near the front of my mind for easy access. I think it’ll stop when I go to sleep, but I just don’t know. For now, I’m having the time of my life, soaking in every ounce of Twilight that I can get.

She’s starting to stir and I can hear her breathing getting a little less rhythmic. I think it’s time to stop writing

Author's Note

Blessed be the act of forming such bonds with a loved one, to know in your heart of hearts that you've made the right choice. It's not a feeling everyone is privy to, but is it not beautiful all the same?

As for the release of this chapter, if I haven't invited you to go look at my most recent blog post, I suppose it's needless now. I'd just like to say; Gotcha, and this chapter has been posted on my Dad's birthday to honor his inner troll. Asshole.

And so begins Max's married life. Now seems like a good time to say that, as of the posting of this chapter, I am currently writing Chapter Sixty-Three, so don't worry about the story ending soon. All will be well.

Chapter Fifty-Six: Karma Is A Kunt
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Chapter Fifty-Seven: Well, I Started From The Bottom...
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Chapter Fifty-Eight: The Grey Days
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Chapter Fifty-Nine: TLC, Baby
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Chapter Sixty: Crushin'
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Chapter Sixty-One: It's Fucking KAID!
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Chapter Sixty-Two: FIGHT THA POWA
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Chapter Sixty-Three: Lost Time
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Chapter Sixty-Four: Ponyland Part Two
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Chapter Sixty-Five: Making 'New' Friends
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Chapter Sixty-Six: Honeymoon?
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Chapter Sixty-Seven: But Why Though?
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Chapter Sixty-Eight: Rebel Yell
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Chapter Sixty-Nine: 6.9
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Chapter Seventy: Home At Last
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Chapter Seventy-One: Blow The Cartridge. Try Again.
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Chapter Seventy-Two: Separate the Yolk
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Chapter Seventy-Three: The Dawn of Kaid Maximus
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Re: Chapter One: An Untraveled Path
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Re: Chapter Two: Wild Blue Ride
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Re: Chapter Three: A Glimpse
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Re: Chapter Four: Progress Lost and Progress Made
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Re: Chapter Thirty-Eight: Sprinting Through Sand
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OG:) Chapter One
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OG:) Chapter One

Chapter One: Stealing Is Bad

“Oof!” I exclaimed as I landed flat on my back in the middle of Garland Market. I really have to work on my landings, though nothing hurt too much excluding my pride. I looked around at the hoi polloi around me and pushed self up to a sitting position. I was already picking out an avenue of escape, but I was smarting from that fall.
.

“After him! That rat stole my wife’s pendant!” Called an elderly man from the balcony I’d previously occupied. I could almost feel the mob of the market turn their eyes on me. Not like there could’ve been many other miscreants that fit the bill at the moment, with me scrambling to my feet and all, trying to avoid being conspicuous.

I really must remind myself that blending in only works if you haven’t been spotted.

I beat feet to avoid the crowd gathering around me; occasionally calling out a belated apology to the poor bystander I may have trampled in my desperation to escape. Honestly, using one's sticky fingers would be much more peaceful if people knew when to get out of the way. I traced the old familiar brick paths through alleys and across open streets to get back to my asylum, an old abandoned church just outside of town. Once inside, I eyed the swag that I'd been hired to take and the few other baubles I'd gotten. They'd sell for a half decent price if I went to the right guy and keep me fed for a little while.

I suppose an introduction would be in order, seeing as how you don’t even know my name. You may call me Master of Thieves, or maybe The Sticky-Fingered Shadow! You may call me by those titles; however, most people just call me Kaid. Yup, Klepto Kaid, that’s me. Not as tall as I’d like to be at a whopping one hundred and seventy five centimeters, and not as handsome either. The only thing I’ve really got going for me is a lack of moral decency and a mess of curly black hair that no one can see through. Though you’ve got to understand, when you happen to be a slight, shortish lad with few true friends and no relatives, you’ve got to be a bit more resourceful than your average lay-about. Granted, life hasn’t been all honey and roses for me, but I make the most out of it, albeit with other people’s belongings. I digress. We were on about my day, yeah?

I stashed the shit I hadn't been hired to steal and pocketed the pendant. After adjusting my apparel, I left the church and headed back onto the streets to find my employer so I could hand off the pendant and get on with my life. Breaking into that old couples house had taken some doing in broad daylight, and I hadn't even had breakfast yet, let alone lunch. I was ready to blow some of the cash in my pockets, and I wasn't going to fuck around waste time, so I kept a brisk pace while heading to the drop spot. Unfortunately, I ran straight into some fat fuck on my way.

“Hey! Watch where you're goin’ ya lout!” Officer Oscar yelled at me, gaudy mustache quivering. He whipped out his baton faster than I could regain my balance and whacked me across the knee like the Polo playing nobles in their fancy estates do.

“Oi, I recognize that mop o’ mess anywhere! If it isn’t Klepto-Kaid! What’ve ya nicked this time, ya guttersnipe? Have ya grabbed some old lady’s last bit o’ gold perhaps? Maybe you've finally been ousted?” Oscar sneered at me. I swear, the crook gets more twisted and sadistic every time I see him.

“Hey there, Officer, I’m just goin’ for an evenin’ jog, honest! You know I’ve been out of all that stealin’ rubbish for awhile no-“ Was as far as I got before he caught me on the temple with a swing of his stupid club. I’d seen it coming from a kilo away by the jiggles in his third or fourth chin, so I’d had plenty of time to get ready to roll with it. This was all par for the course anyhow.

“Oh shush your lies, you bloody… Um, liar? Yeah, Liar! Hand over whatcha got, or I’ll just be takin’ it from you downtown!” He blustered. I handed the pendant over before he cuffed me, thus beginning a long, uncomfortable stroll through town.

Officer Oscar was, in fact, the guy who hired me to steal the pendant in the first place. No one really liked Oscar and no one really cared to get to know him well enough to try. By all means, Oscar is a right fucking prick, but he knows my price, and he's the most efficient way to skip the legal procedures. If he handles my case, then everything looks official and I get off Scot Free. It was all a part of a song and dance we'd partaken in a few times before.

“I spy with my little eye; something steaming!” I joked as we passed through the industrial district. A swift and painful tap to the tip of my elbow silenced me with a grimace.

“Ya just had to be extra reckless this time around, didn't ya?” Oscar hissed at me under his breath. “With all them people about, I couldn’t let ya go or else they’d know somethin’ was up!” He punctuated with another rap, this time to my shoulder blade. Much more of this and Ol’ Porky would be my next mark. I guess you can never have too many.

“Gee, officer, I sure am awful sorry about all o’ trouble I’ve gone an’ caused ya. I promise on me mum’s grave I won’t do it again!” I sniped in response.

“Are ya gettin’ smart with me boy? Yer lucky it’s me that caught ya. Any other officer would have just picked you up and searched you because of your reputation, Mr. Gecko." Oscar growled

“I hear you Oscar, but things were getting awfully fuzzy back there. You should have told me they were home! That old bag of dust nearly had me back there!” I protested.

“I woulda told ya if I’d known, boy! Don’t mouth off to the one thing between you and the slammer!”

“Cram it, Oscar! You know I have dirt on you and half of your buddies in the station! You couldn’t keep me down if you tried.” I scathingly replied.

Oscar didn’t speak after that.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The rest of the trip was made in silence. We both knew that we had each other in a vice. We both knew that I hated being locked up and we both knew that Oscar had to provide for his family. One wrong word and we’d both go down. We arrived at the station to see it operating at normal capacity. Oscar sat me down with some of my usual people, so I started talking to the skinhead next to me.

"So what are you in for, mate?" I asked.

He lifted his hands and showed my the blood on them. "Killed some darkie's mutt 'cause it shit in my yard."

"Not cool, dude. Beat the guy up, not the dog. The guy should have picked it up." I chided.

The skinhead just looked at me like I was retarded and went back to moping about getting arrested. I shrugged him off and looked around the constabulary some more. Nothing really caught my eye besides this one lady rozzer. She was terribly hideous, and I couldn't help but smile at her. I thought she might need one because she looked like that. The woman eventually caught me goofing off in her general direction a flipped me a very unkind gesture. Oscar showed up again and started dragging me off in the Chief's general direction, the exact opposite of where I wanted to go.

"Oi, what gives, man? What the hell are you doing?" I whispered indignantly. Luckily the hum of the office covered the noise.

Oscar shushed me. "What did you do to the Wiltshires?"

"What? Nothing, they were fine when I left."

"That's not the case now, fool!" He hissed. He practically threw me into the Chief's office and had me take a seat. He was none too pleasant about it.

I took a brief moment to examine the room. It was all rather neat and orderly, though the Chief himself seemed like he hadn't slept in a while. Still, his grey eyes were ferocious, yet calm, like he was waiting to unleash some damning evidence that would get me put behind bars for years. His mustache twitched as he watched me, and I could help but laugh. I tried to cover it with a cough, but it didn't do me much good.

“Kaid,” The chief began before sighing and pouring himself a drink of something I could smell from nearly two meters back, “The Guffrey’s, Mandrake’s, Steinleich’s, and Wilshire’s have all been murdered. Cold blood I’m afraid; Pillars of the community, all of them.”

"Hold on, Chief," I said quickly, "you can ask anyone in Garland Market! The Wiltshires were yelling after me as I ran, honest to goodness alive and well!"

“Is that so?” The Chief inquired. He leaned forward on his forearms, all thoughts of his drink gone. There was something about his eyes I didn’t trust…

"Damn straight! You know my track record! I'm a sticky fingered fool that's kind of clever sometimes! You know thieves don't kill around here, anyways!"

The chief looked to Oscar and made a strange gesture. My last memory was of being knocked forward.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“-nd He’ll wake up when he’s ready. “ An unknown voice said.

I stayed completely still and tried to even out my breathing. It wouldn't do to let whoever knocked me out know that I was awake. I listened carefully.

“You sure? That oaf Oscar hit him pretty hard; you might wanna take him to a doc or somethin’.” Another voice said.

“I’m quite sure, Mr. Svikari. You may take your leave.” The first voice sneered.

I heard the fellow walk away after muttering something under his breath. A door slammed nearby, so I stayed quiet.

“Mr. Gadai, it would seem you’ve awakened.” Came the deceptively calm, gruff voice of the Chief.

“Ugh…”Was my eloquent response. In my defense, getting knocked out in real life ain't nothing like it is in the movies.

“Seems like you could use some sleep: Too bad. You've got a job to do, Mr. Gadai.”

"What the hell? Did you seriously knock me out for a job? You could've just asked, mate.

"I don't ask, lad, I tell. Right now, I'm telling you that you're going to a part of something very important to my friend and I. You should be excited. After all, you'll never have to wear a condom, at the very least." He chuckled darkly

“What the fuck? Wait, mate, come on, now!” I sputtered out. The pain in my head was slowly receding, thought the taste of burnt metal in my mouth was as strong as the monumental headache I was still nursing. I really wasn't excited about the prospects of having my little friend cut off, but there was precious little I could do about it at the moment.

“Perhaps now really isn't the time. You have five hours, Gadai. I suggest you ponder your very limited options.”

With his words falling on effectively deaf ears, The Chief walked out of the dingy room with a relaxed, confident gait. The door slammed behind him sending shards of pain rocketing through my head. The single electric light above me lit the would-be interrogation room, shedding light on some mold and a dead rat in the top left corner of the room. I tested my arms and legs to make sure nothing was broken. Hands? Bound, but intact. Feet? Free to move as they please. Chair? Bolted to the floor, against my previous hopes. Head? Still reeling from Oscar’s special brand of love. It was shaping up to be a long five hours in this little corner of heaven. By the time five hours passed, I could have painted you an exact replica of that damn room, every smoke stain on the wall, coated either on or by mildew, the exact size and shape of that stupid rat, which turned out to just be sleeping. It scurried through a smallish hole in the wall after an hour or so. The dubious fluids on the floor left me with a rotten feeling in my stomach, but none of it seemed like it was blood, so I figured I Was halfway okay for right now. The room was dank and overall just plain nasty.

I was contemplating taking a bite out of my tongue to drown in my own blood before the Chief came back when the door swung open.

Speak of the devil and he shall appear

“So Chief, what brings you to my little piece of heaven? ‘Fraid I can’t offer you a snack. There was a rat, but it scampered off somewhere. Probably went to go sit behind one of those desks upstairs.” Contempt dripped from every word, though the Chief maintained his aloof expression.

“Always the jester, Mr. Gadai. Godfrey, the syringe.” He called into the doorway. A thin, ratty looking man shuffled in with a wooden case in his arms, embroidered in silver.

“Of course sir, here you are sir.” The newly dubbed Rat Bastard wheezed.

The Chief popped the clasps on the fancy box and pulled out a needle longer than my rap sheet. My face went whiter Rat Bastard’s lab coat.

“This, Mr. Gadai, is a… Steroid, of sorts. I’ve been looking for a test subject for an awfully long time, and here you are!” He approached me with an evil gleam in his eyes.

My mouth gaped as he drove the the point into my stomach. My abdomen exploded in pain and my silent scream went unheard. Sadly, things didn't get any better after he drove the plunger on the syringe down until it empty. I'd thought that the pain before was bad, but now it was like I was on fire from the inside out. I blacked out multiple times, only to awaken in agony. I never did learn how long that cycle repeated.

Once the pain started fading, I slowly came back into the world of the living. I was soaked from sweat and something else that I'm none too proud of, but the pain had honestly been that intense. I heaved and panted while dripping sweat, and the Chief just looked on in sick glee. The Rat Bastard was openly touching himself in the most disturbing of ways.

Things got worse after that

I wish I didn’t remember what he did after that. I'll probably carry that to the grave with me, just so no one ever hears about how I was completely dominated like I was a fucking child.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I woke up in a forest. I could barely move and my head felt like I’d been clubbed by Oscar a dozen times, but the rest of my body just had aches as if I’d just finished practicing my escapes. I’ll… I don’t think I’ll ever forget what that bastard did to me, even if it did feel like a dream, now. I sat up a few minutes later when my head stopped pounding so hard and looked myself over. Most of my clothes were still intact, though my hair felt a bit singed at the ends. I stood and looked around, not recognizing any of my surroundings. It appeared to me that I had awoken in a forest, like I literally just fucking wrote. What the fuck did you expect? The surroundings to change or some shit? Man, I wish I could start that over so I didn't repeat myself because I hate doing that, but there's more important shit to say. It wasn't unlikely that I'd been thought dead after the Chief's little game of darts, or being used as a temporary punching bag... Or the rest of it, but still, I had to get up and get the fuck out of dodge if I didn't want to get caught again.

Welp, time to see if I can still do that trick with the sun I cast my gaze skyward and saw the Sun on the rise, not quite at its summit, but getting close. After getting my bearings, I decided to head south.

The further I get away from the Chief, the faster I can forget.

Every time I took a step, I swear there were at least three roots trying to trip me up. Needless to say, I fell often and I fell hard. Though the ground was soft enough to mitigate some of the impact, my poor gloves still got worn down from patches of saw grass and small stones. It didn't take me long to figure out that I’d have to be more careful. I continued, glancing between the path and the sky for a few hours, only stopping when I came across a river. Cupping my hands, I bent and drank from the fast-moving water. It was far cleaner than the Thames was, that's for sure. When I rose, a large, purple, scaly hand scooped me up and brought me face to face with a river serpent. I just sat and stared for a moment while it rose out of the water, and I thought I was tripping fucking balls.

"Oh hello there little ape! What brings you to my little neck of the river?" It asked. It sounded like it was 'batting for the other team' as one might say. Oh my God, I'm talking to a flaming sea serpent. What the hell was in that needle?

"Oh you know, just resting for awhile, taking a quick drink," He smiled at me creepily "and, uh, just looking to be on my way?" I finished weakly. While the serpent thing was staring at me like a predator stares down a rabbit. Or a serpent and a rodent, take your pick. I took the liberty of studying his multi-colored mustache to stop myself from hurling.

"Oh, I see you've seen my mustache!" He exclaimed, "Why I, Steven Magnet, was once a beautiful serpent! I had the most simply magnificent mustache, that is, before some awful mare chopped half of it off!" He swooned, stroking the purple half of his mustache.

I don't know why he thought I gave a shit, but far be it from me to tell something that can crush me without trying to fuck off. Sounds like a pretty fucking retarded idea to me.

"And while I was wallowing in my darkest of despair, a certain Miss Rarity happened upon me, offering her tail to give me back my beauty! Such selflessness! Such generosity! Such style!"

"That's a nice story, Steven- it was Steven, right?" He nodded "As nice a story as that was, I really must be going, I have to go find shelter for the night." It wasn't a lie per se, it just wasn't the complete truth, but when dealing with a giant talking sea serpent in a strange land, I think it pays to be a bit on the nice side.

"A shame, truly. Do you know if you'll be stopping by Ponyville, perchance?" He asked while batting his lashes.

"I probably will, if I'm not mistaken." I replied, not that I knew just what the hell he was talking about. If there were less of him wherever this Ponyville was, you could count me in. Anything to avoid getting buttfucked by Sinner Serpent over here.

"Then if you wouldn't mind too terribly, could you please take this to my dearest friend, Rarity? You know, the one who saved my mustache?"

He pulled a shiny golden crown from the bottom of the river bed, I assume. It was a nice enough crown, but I've stolen nicer. It had obviously seen better days and I’m sure being on the bottom of a river bed hadn’t done it many favors. He handed it to me and set me on the other side of the river, warning me to not stray off of the path. True to my word, I stayed the path until I saw a smallish village in the distance, thought that walk had taken me hours. It might not have since I didn't exactly have a watch on me, but it felt like it.

I surveyed the village from a distance, taking in as many details as I could. The town looked... Strange to say the least. Most of what I'd seen in Wiltshire had been gray or mossy. This place was... Vibrant, if anything describes it well. The trees were greener than any other I've ever seen. The buildings were a little old fashioned, but they didn't seem quite out of place. One thing was for sure, I wasn't in Wiltshire anymore. I sat and watched the town for a little while because I was fucking tired. I noticed that the people in the distance seemed to be wearing a lot of colorful clothing in layers, and they either all were wearing wigs or had dyed their hair. Suddenly, I hoped that I wasn't in some Tumblr based town that hated men.

Since there was no better way to figure out what I was dealing with than to see it for myself, I stood up and made to leave the tree cover. As I stepped out of the mugginess of the forest, I breathed in the crisp, clean air that washed over me. Being born In a semi-industrial town meant that the air was always thick with smoke; Even parts of the forests were stained black from pollution, but here there were no traces of the heavy pollution my town had become accustomed to. I wandered out of the treeline to further investigate the landscape.

I’d hardly gotten ten paces away from that dank forest when a blue blur rocketed into my side.

Chapter Nineteen: A Lesson Well Learned
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Nineteen: A Lesson Well Learned

Author's Note

So some shit happened and the chapter didn't post when it should have. Better late than never.

Leave a like or a comment to let me know how I'm doing, all that jazz.

Stay Cool, Kids

Edit: Fixed some plot holes and adjusted some stuff that wasn't really terribly important. It bothered me, so I did it.

Chapter Nineteen: A Lesson Well Learned

Fuck mornings, fuck cooking, and fuck having to get out of bed. I woke up on the wrong side of everything with no idea why, but I was quite moody and it was seeming like a good day to do a whole lot of nothing. I made something to eat, got showered, shaved, dressed and went to go find some kindling for a bonfire I was going to have later that night. Everything was nice and dry due to the summer heat and Rainbow Dash stealing all the clouds in the surrounding area to ruin my property, so after a few hours of working in the oppressive morning aridity, I had a nice log cabin style campfire ready to go. I had filled it high with some spanish moss, pine splinters, and spare paper. It would be quite the spectacle, if I do say so myself.

With my sour mood somewhat abated, I grabbed my book and got stepping. I still had to check with Twilight about the title of my book, and see if I could get her to read it, but I still had some doubts about it. I was pretty sure that she was immune to the effects of smut, at least, in the way that I wrote it, so there wasn’t much of a point in having her read my book if she wasn’t going to enjoy it. It wasn’t smut per se, but there were still steamy bits within that would deter the reader if they weren’t into it, and I felt no desire to push Twilight into reading my work if she didn’t want to. I really needed to find someone as educated as Twilight that could help me work out some of the kinks in my bullshit, but I doubted that there were many people on the planet that could rival her sheer intellect. Perhaps I could write something more along the lines of an adventure story?

I arrived at Twilight’s in the late afternoon due to my slow start in the morning, and Spike, of course, was the one to answer the door.

“Oh. What do you want?” He asked testily.

“Here to see Twilight, but I think we need to talk more than I need to talk to her. Wanna take a quick walk?”

“No.”

“Look, Spike, I’m sorry I lied to you, but I was trying to protect your feelings, mate. That’s all there is to it. I wasn’t trying to pull the wool over your eyes or hurt you in any way, shape, or form; I just didn’t want to see you heartbroken over unrequited love. I’ve been there, done that. Not something I want to see a friend go through, you know?”

“I don’t really get it, but I guess I accept your apology. Don’t think that I’m not still mad at you, though!”

“Wouldn’t dream of it, mate. I don’t expect things to be all honey and roses after a few words.”

“Well you shouldn’t.” Spike continued blocking the way into the Treebrary.

“No shit. That’s why I said so. Can I come in now?”

“No.”

I felt a muscle in my jaw twitch and I ground my teeth. “Then go get Twilight so I can get out of your nonexistent hair.”

“No, I don’t really feel like it.” He slammed the door in my face and it took more self control than I’d like to admit to not rip the goddamn thing off of its hinges and beat him to death with it.

I took a breath to calm myself and stepped back. I circled around the Treebrary, chucking pebbles at the windows until I got a response. A few times, it was Spike shaking a fist at me from behind them, but after the fourth time, he opened the window and I couldn’t control myself: I threw the largest rock I had as hard as I could and it whistled past his head, barely missing the fellow. I heard something break inside and Twilight shouting, so I went back to the front door and knocked again.

Twilight was the one to answer. “Max! Did you throw a stone through my window!?”

“I did. I’ve been trying to get your attention all morning, and Spike has been quite the bitch. I asked to see you and he denied me entry.”

“Well he’s a mad teenager! What did you expect!?”

“I expected you to respond to having your windows pelted by pebbles. Honestly, Twilight, take some interest in the happenings around your home for once will you?”

“That- No, I’m not even going to respond to that. How are you going to fix my vase?”

“I’ll pay for another one, if that’s what you’re asking. Otherwise, I’ll do it with glue and plenty of time.”

“You can’t buy another one like that! My brother got that for me when I became Celestia’s student, and it’s a one of a kind!”

“Don’t you have a spell or something that can fix it? I’m no expert, but a quick repair spell should do the trick.”

Twilight blushed and rubbed her head. “I hadn’t thought of that. I was mostly just upset that somepony threw a rock at my vase.”

“Yeah, sorry for that, love, but I was aiming for Spike’s head.”

Her eyes widened. “Max!”

“Yes, I know! I shouldn’t have let my anger get the best of me, and I already regret it, so let’s skip the Aesop and get on with our day, yeah?”

“I-I…” Twilight huffed and shook her head. “I honestly don’t see how ponies deal with you on a regular basis.”

“You’re one of the ones who do, so you tell me. It’s probably easier since I’m more lovable when people aren’t pissing me off at every turn. You know, I tried apologizing to Rarity and she threw me out of her shop, and I tried apologizing to Spike, but he’s still acting like a salty little prick. What happened to the whole ‘apologizing fixes everything’ deal you guys had going?”

“I don’t really know, but I think your actions probably had plenty to do with it. How did you apologize to Rarity?”

“I said I was sorry for the things I actually was sorry for. She wanted me to apologize for calling her a liar, but she lied and it was the truth, so I refused.”

“...I see your side of that, but nopony likes to be called a liar.”

“And yet you and your friends jump at the opportunity to call me one.”

“We do not!” Twilight protested.

I gave her a flat look and she balked. “Well, maybe we say it more often than we should…”

I took a deep breath and let it out. “Your double standards astound me sometimes. I find it to be quite frustrating, you know, when people expect me to uphold standards that they themselves won’t abide by.”

“I don’t do that, do I?” Twilight asked softly.

“Not that I’ve noticed. I shouldn’t have implied that you yourself do that. My bad.”

She sighed a breath of relief. “I’ll talk to Rarity-”

“No, don’t bother. If I can’t get her to see my side on my own, then I’ve failed her as a friend. I’ll give her some distance and try again another time when my relationship with Pinkie is looking better. After all, I’m rather sure that’s what’s causing her to be such a twat.”

“I know that word is an insult, but I don't know what it means, so I can’t really tell you not to call her that.”

“Great. Remind me not to tell you what cunt means either.”

“...Yeah, no. I want you to explain that one.”

“Nah, I don’t feel like it. Instead, why don’t we get on to the reason I’m visiting in the first place?”

“I suppose we could do that. What brings you over? It’s not just a normal visit, is it?”

“It is, actually. I wanted to ask for your help in naming my book since I’ve finished it. I was thinking of calling it ‘A Single Breath’.”

“Hmm… Without reading it, I can’t really say if it’s appropriate.”

“Does that mean you're interested now?” I raised my brows and leaned toward her.

“I’m not sure. I’m still upset that you broke my vase and threw a rock at Spike! In fact, I’m very upset about that.” Twilight glared at me. It was adorable.

“You’re too cute when you’re mad, love. Almost makes me want to mess with you some more, just so I can see how cute you get.” I grinned at her.

“Rarity really did put it best when she said you were insufferable. Have a good day, Max.”

“Damn. I’ll try again some other time, then. Take care, Twilight.”

I walked away and wondered what the hell I was going to do now when it suddenly struck me! I had to get supplies for my bonfire! I didn’t need anymore wood, but I did need snacks, though I figured that without Twilight, the activity would be less fun, so I decided to hold off on it until she wasn’t mad at me. Another thing occurred to me, and it was that I should invite Celestia and Luna over.

I needed more snacks. And lawn furniture.

With something to do in mind, I headed over to the local bank, withdrew some funds, and set out to get what I needed. Sadly, the furniture store I had visited before didn’t have much in the way of out door furniture, but I bought a few deck chairs to replace what I had lost, a chiminea for shits and giggles, and another wicker table. It cost me quite the pretty penny, but I thought that is was worth it, so it was all good. I had some mover fellows take it back to my house for me and continued on with my shopping. It was a pleasant day, all things said, if you gloss over the Twilight’s poor vase and Spike’s petty rubbish.

I’d picked up a few more things while I was out for decorations around the house, but I don’t consider any of them important enough to write down, so I’ll leave them out for now, except for the statuette I picked up for my bedroom. It was quite the piece, depicting a Gryphon fighting a chimera in a marvelous marble that I found very tasteful, but I both loved and hated it. I felt as though I was the chimera, and the Gryphon was the evil nature that I was constantly battling against. Of course, the Gryphon appeared to be winning and the chimera was being beaten down handily, but it served as a good reminder that I needed to keep myself in check and be aware of my struggle against my own nature lest I lose what’s important to me. It was a sobering thought, and frankly, one that I needed if my actions with Spike were anything to go by.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I wrote out invitations to both Celestia and Luna, inviting them to the ‘party’ I was holding in two days. I’d hoped that it was enough time for them to work out a gap in their schedules, but if they couldn’t make it, I would hold another one some other time. I wasn’t exactly close with Luna, but I wanted to see her again some time. She was a pretty cool person if you could get past the barbed comments and archaic vernacular, but she was a bit of a loner. Hopefully, a little get together could help her get out there a bit and make some friends, but I worried that her stature as a princess would get in the way of her actually befriending anyone.

Look at me, being all thoughtful and shit. Fucking disgusting.

Since I had written a couple of invitations, I figured that I could bear writing a few more, so I wrote one for Applejack, Twilight, Fluttershy, Lyra, and Zecora. I also wrote a few for Spike, Rarity, Pinkie and Big Mac, despite how rocky our relationships were. I figured that extending an olive branch would be a nice thing to do, and with any luck, smooth out some of the rocks in the road. I didn’t invite Rainbow because fuck that house wrecking bitch. In any case, those I had invited were at least on half decent grounds with me, and since Pinkie apologized properly, I could give her a pass.

I wondered if Spike or Rarity would show up, but their attendance wasn’t terribly crucial. In fact, the only people I really cared about coming were Twilight, Flutters, AJ and the Princesses. I like Lyra well enough, but I wouldn’t be sad if she had other matters to attend to, and the rest were invited for politeness sake anyways, so if nothing else, I had plenty of snacks to spare. I had really loaded up on them while shopping, and would probably try to pawn them off on Applejack if no one showed up at all.

After sending off my notes, I picked up where I had left off on the workbench I had been making before Rainbow fucked my day up and managed to get it constructed in the space of a few hours. It wasn’t the prettiest thing, so I sent Applejack another note, inviting her to come inspect my workmanship when she had a chance. It was about six now, so if she did come, we would only have a couple more hours of natural light to work with, but I did have a light on the back porch to help with visibility. I had never actually used it before, so it would be something to check out once the sun fell below the horizon.

I faffed about for an hour before Applejack showed up at my door. She smelled of apples and a bit of sweat, but it wasn’t like she was particularly odorous, so I allowed her to come in.

“Hullo, my sweet apple pie. How’s the day gone for you?” I gave her a winsome smile.

She returned it with an insincere one of her own. “Just peachy! Never had a better one!”

“You know you’re awful at lying, right?”

Applejack sighed and rubbed her face with her hands. “I know. It just hasn’t been a good day, sugarcube. One of the doors on the barn fell off, which got me behind on fixin’ up Big Mac’s cart, which meant that we couldn’t get our apples back from the orchard, which meant that we had to carry everythin’ by hoof. Then Granny Smith laid into me because I didn’t clean my room, but I didn’t even have time to do it between tryin’ to fix everthin’ and get the scheduled work done, so I don’t even know what the old bat wants from me! And to top it all off, Big Mac started some nonsense about Apple Bloom talkin’ to ya and that didn’t exactly end well, and we ended up makin’ the poor filly feel somethin’ awful, and now she thinks you’re some kinda evil!”

“Wow… It has been a shit day. Thank you for making the time to come and see me, despite how it’s gone so far. I really do appreciate it, love.”

She sighed again. “No problem. Sorry if I stink, I just didn’t wanna keep ya waitin’, so I rushed over once I got my stuff done up. I still gotta get another wheel put on that cart, but It shouldn’t be too hard, just time consumin’.”

“Well how about this; We go back to the farm for a bit, I try to get that wheel on the wagon, you get the grime of a hard day’s work washed off, and we sit Big Mac and Apple Bloom down so we can talk things out?”

“I dunno, Max. Mac still doesn’t like ya much and the wheel is awful heavy for a non-Earth Pony, and double that since you’re… Well…”

“Actually, since I died, I’m quite a bit stronger.” I stepped in and hugged her, lifting her off of her hooves. “See?”

“Put me down! I’m gross!”

I did and licked her face. “You’re not gross, just a bit sweaty.”

She scrunched up her face and wiped my slobber off. “Whatever. We got more important stuff to talk about. Did you just say you died?”

“Yeah. Drank a potion I had Zecora make and it killed the fuck outta me. Celestia and Twilight managed to bring me back, but a creature called a Leshy made me tougher while I was floating about out of my body, and now I’m about as strong as a normal pony. Not a bad trade if you ask me.”

“See, when you say you died, I have an awful hard time believin’ that seein’ as how you’re not, you know, dead!”

“Ask Twilight and Fluttershy. I was properly dead for a good twenty or so minutes before Celestia brought me back to the world of the living.”

Applejack walked in and paced around for a bit. I stood by and watched her with an amused look on my face. When she finally stopped, she slapped her face with both hands and shook her head.

“Seriously. You died? You’re not lyin’ to me?”

“Yup, dead as a doornail. I’m surprised Fluttershy or Twilight didn’t mention it to you.”

“I’ve been so busy at the farm I haven’t really had the time, but I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about this sooner, Max! What the hay is wrong with you!? Did you not think I’d want to know that I almost lost a friend!?”

“I didn’t tell you because I forgot. I don’t consider it that big a deal, love. I died, came back to life, and I’ve been carrying on normally, so why would I freak you out by telling you about it? I know I’m handling it better than most-”

“You’re talkin’ about it like you stubbed your toe or somethin’! What the hay is wrong with you!?” Applejack grabbed my shirt and shook me.

I took her wrists and got her to stop, lowering them back down to her sides. Cupping her face in my hands, I gave her a quick peck. “There’s a lot of things wrong with me, Applejack, but since I’m alive, there’s no point in panicking now. Breathe, relax, and let’s get a move on back to Sweet Apple Acres. We don’t have all day.”

“I thought I had you figured out. How are you not terrified that you died?” She asked, exasperated.

“I never said I wasn’t, I’m just dealing with it better than I could be. I see no point in fretting over it since I’m still here, so you shouldn’t worry about it either. It was just another event, love, and I made it through. Like I told Sunbutt, don’t get worried until I do.”

Applejack rubbed her temples and walked out through the open door, leaving me to follow her as we trekked back to her home. I could understand her frustrations, but I wondered why one of the most level headed women I knew freaked out over something that had essentially helped me, so I decided to ask.

I jogged to catch up to her since she was walking at an elevated pace. “What’s going on, Applejack? I thought you of all people would keep a cool head about this.”

She stopped suddenly and I could see tears in her eyes. “What do ya expect from me, Max? Do ya want me to just let the fact that one of my friends almost died and didn’t tell me about it!? Do ya want me to just forget about it and move on like it never happened in the first place!?”

I blinked. “Well, yeah. I apologize for not telling you about it sooner, but this is the first time I’ve seen you since it happened.”

Applejack’s frown deepened. “I don’t wanna lose ya, Max. Not after I almost killed you.”

“I thought we were going to forget about that.”

“I know you won’t and I know I can’t. You mighta forgiven me for it, but it made me realize just how precious life is, and here you are talkin’ like you don’t even care about it!”

I pursed my lips. “I know better than most how precious life is, Applejack, and I know how miniscule my own is in the grand scheme of things. I’m happy I’m still here; that I can still spend another day with you and the girls, but I can’t just let the fact that I was gone impede my life. It just wouldn’t accomplish anything.” I shrugged. “I could break down and be a complete mess, or I could stay my path and deal with it by ignoring it and being grateful that I came back.”

Applejack’s hands returned to her face and she let out a frustrated groan. “I don’t get you. Ya make sense most days, and when ya explain it like that, it makes sense, but dyin’ isn’t supposed to be somethin’ ya can just get over, Max! It’s…” She let the rest of her breath out. “I don’t even know. I really don’t.”

“Well, I don’t think you can really tell me what dying is supposed to be like since you’ve never died.”

“You know what I mean!”

“Look, you can flip your shit all you want, and I’ll happily stay by your side while you do it. Just let me know if this is the moment where you need a hug, or if it’s later down the line.”

“I could use one now, if ya don’t mind. You got me more stressed out that I was.”

I enveloped her in some physical affection and gave her a peck on the cheek. “I’m told that it’s a special talent of mine. Hopefully I don’t get a tattoo on my arse for it.”

“A little color never hurt anypony, especially since you’re kinda off white just about everywhere.”

“Hey, I have different pigmentation in different spaces!” I grinned.

“Riiight. Can we get a move on? We don’t have much light left.”

“I’m waiting on you, love.”

Applejack shrugged and we were on our way. She was still somewhat quiet on the trip over, which I blamed on the heavy news I had casually tossed at her, but I found it mildly annoying that I was the one who died and my friends were taking it worse than I was. I mean, shit, I went to Hell! I have no clue how long I was there, but if the fuzzy memories were anything to go by, then it was far too long for my tastes. Actually, I wasn’t too sure about where I had gone when I died anymore, and reading through my notes made me feel like I was tripping balls while I was writing, but He had said that it would be like that. I trusted myself to accurately relay what had happened in my journals, but I was starting to doubt myself more by the day. I lost myself in my thoughts while we walked and eventually ended up bumping into Applejack when we reached the gates of her farm. I excused myself and she gave me an odd look before leading the way onto the property.

I really don’t know why they referred to it as a farm, seeing as how it was predominantly an orchard, but ever since I suggested that Applejack get rid of her animals since they were pointless, I found it even more confusing. I had never followed up to see whether or not she had actually seen them out, but I imagine that Macintosh would be quite the brick wall when it came to changing certain things about their lifestyle. I couldn’t really blame the fellow due to the fact that it was me who suggested it in the first place, but I was hoping that Applejack could make the fellow see reason and save them some money. Hope didn’t count for shit, apparently, since I could still smell animals on the breeze, though the perception thing just made them smell even worse.

It really wasn’t my problem, so I shrugged it off and followed Applejack into her home, taking the time to have a proper look around. The last time I had been here, it was to visit Applejack while she was languishing in her misery, and the time before that, she nearly punched me to death, so I never really paid attention to the decor in the farmhouse. It was nice, rustic place that reminded me a bit of the cottages around Bristol or Bath, but far larger on the inside than you might think. It was decorated warmly with light and dark hardwood furniture, which gave it a very homey feeling, like the farmhouse was well looked after, even if it was plenty lived in. It reminded me that Applejack’s grandmother, Granny Smith, was older than dirt and had been one of the people who had helped build this place. There’s something to be said about frontier workmanship, but I don’t believe much of it is good, though given how old this place was, it should be no surprise that things were constantly falling apart. Unless I could do something about that. Hmm. Something to think about the next day, but the beginnings of a plan were forming in my head, and what a wonderful plan it was.

Applejack waved a hand in front of my face, and I realized that I had been staring off into space and grinning like a fool.

“Hello? Equus to Max?”

“Sorry, love. Just having an idea hatch. How would you feel about me building another house on your land?”

Applejack blinked twice “What?”

“I have the funniest feeling that you talk to your sister way too often.”

“What?” She repeated.

“Never mind. I want to build you some temporary lodgings so we can do some renovations around the farm. Get the barn fixed up properly, no more squeaky floors in the house, all that faff. What do you say?”

“Yeah, no. I appreciate the offer, sugarcube, but I don’t think anypony in Ponyville has the scratch for that. There’s just too much work to be done, and what you’re talking about would take months-”

I cut her off. “Not with the power of a Royal Operative pushing for a hasty completion and plenty of cash to back it up. I don’t know what all needs to be done around here, so I’d put you and Macintosh in charge of overseeing, but believe me when I say I have the scratch for that. You’re talking to someone with more wealth than some nobles, love.”

Applejack’s jaw dropped. “There’s no way! You’ve only been here for a couple o’ months! What could you have possibly done to get so much so quickly? We’re talkin’ at least three thousand bits here!”

“Only three? Rarity told me she would need four for advertising and general investments.”

“You're the sucker she got to pony up that dough!?”

“I’m the friend who was willing to invest in her business. Hell, if I accept my bits back from her, then that’s all I’d need to get things done. So what do you say? Let me invest in Sweet Apple Acres.”

“I-I couldn’t let ya do that, Max. There’s never-”

“Applejack! Is that you?” An elderly voice called out from the general direction of what I assumed to be the kitchen.

“Yes, Granny?” Applejack shouted back.

“Did ya bring somepony over without askin’!?”

“I was just about to introduce ya, just wait a minute!”

I chuckled and Applejack shot me a half smile, rolling her eyes. “It’s about time you met-”

“Hurry up and bring ‘em in! I ain’t gettin’ any younger, darnit!”

I broke out in chuckles and lead the way to Applejack’s kitchen before she could get herself into more trouble. The first thing I noticed was the smell of delicious mulled cider in the air, carrying cinnamon, cloves and nutmeg right into my nose which made my mouth water for a taste of the lady was making. I swallowed twice and looked around before I saw her. Granny Smith was definitely ancient with her pure white hair and multitudes of wrinkles that gave her the appearance of that old woman down the street who used to give me her scraps when I still lived with my mother. My heartstrings were pulled taut and I felt my breath catch: she could have been Ms. Altham’s carbon copy, if that printer turned them out in a shade of light green. I collected myself and reminded my heart that Ms. Altham was gone, and that I had already dealt with that in what felt like a different life.

It felt as though I was being pulled in half by the forces of two different worlds, and no matter how much I reassured myself that Granny Smith and Gladys Altham were two different people, tears still threatened to spill and I felt as weak as a child, ready to run into her arms and eat a slice of her shepard pie. I quickly wiped away the tear that had fallen and steadied, preparing myself to get over my shitty feelings.

“Hullo, you must be Granny Smith,” I extended a hand, my voice cracking, “I’ve heard a lot about you from Applejack.”

The wizened woman took my hand and grinned toothlessly. Well, she had a couple, but it was close enough in my book. “Hello! You must be the Max I’ve heard so much about. Ya know, I hear you’re quite the ladies man.” She gave me a sly grin and I blushed.

“Don’t believe everything you hear. I mostly just make the ladies mad enough to stop talking to me. I don’t see why, I’m just little ol’ me.”

“Modesty’s a good thing to have, sonny. It’ll make ya more friends than you could ever want.”

“Maybe I should practice it more often. I seem to be losing more friends than I make these days.”

Applejack coughed. “It’s just a difference of opinions. Things’ll clear up soon enough, trust me.”

“I do, that’s why I’m here trying to talk things out with your siblings instead of staying at home and finishing up my workbench. Speaking of, where are the little scamps?”

“I can tell ya now that Big Mac ain’t gonna hear nothin’ ya say. Most of what I’ve heard about ya has been from him, and not much of it has been any good.” Granny Smith said before going back to her work on the stove.

“Well, believe what I told ya, rather than what Big Mac says. I actually know Max.” Applejack huffed.

“Yup. I’m sure ya know him pretty well.” The old lady chuckled to herself.

Applejack lit up and I snickered. “Granny!”

“What? Am I wrong?” Granny Smith asked.

I nudged Applejack and gave her a cheeky grin. “Remember, Applejack, Honesty is the best policy.”

“You shut up!” Applejack chided.

“Now AJ, that ain’t no way to talk to your ‘friend’.” Granny turned and gave her a smile. “Especially if he’s a good enough friend to let ya stay the night so often.”

“Applejack, I love your grandma. Granny Smith, if you ever need anything, please let me know and I’ll take care of it.” I grinned.

“Well thank ya, kiddo, but I got enough grandbabies to handle just about anything I need, and I don’t handle much on the farm no more, so I can’t think of nothin’ I need ya to do. That is, unless ya wanna marry Applejack.”

If she had been drinking, Applejack would have done a spit take. “Granny, please!”

“You should hear the way she talks about ya. She dotes on ya like a lovesick puppy, I tell ya.”

The orange mare buried her face in her hands. “Granny, please stop talking! What have I ever done to you?”

“More than I can remember, I’m sure.” She barked cheerfully. “I’m just havin’ some fun with ya, kiddo, don’t take it so seriously.”

“Yeah, AJ, appreciate the fact that your grandmother likes you, instead of focusing on the embarrassment. Speaking of,” My grin grew, “are there any interesting stories about Applejack you might be willing to share, ma'am?”

“Just call me Granny, sonny, and I have plenty of stories! Why, there was the time Applejack and Big Mac were in the tub-”

“And just like that we have the thing with the girls we have to do! C’mon Max, let’s go do that thing.” Applejack said hurriedly.

Granny Smith and I shared a devious look, but I waved her goodbye nonetheless and spared her granddaughter the horrors of hearing about one’s childhood. It was an awful lot like being piss drunk for about ten years; everyone else has a laugh about your antics, but you barely remember doing anything, let alone the reasons behind it. I would have been quite happy to listen in on a bit of Applejack’s life before I knew her, but the woman had respected my wishes for the most part, so it would be unfair of me to go against hers just for my own enjoyment. Perhaps if I were to grow closer to her, she might be willing to share more, but I wondered how much closer you could get to a person after you had literally been connected by the soft bits. That made me wonder how Granny Smith was astute enough to realize that I had been the one laying Applejack, but when I put more brainpower on the subject, I realized it was pretty clear. Applejack most likely wouldn’t lie about where she was going, but I doubt she’d be straightforward about what went on while she was away from home. I would have to remind her to start packing extra clothes in the future.

I toiled away in my mind while I helped Applejack put the heavy ass wheel in its rightful place. She wasn’t using any manner of hyperbole when she said I wouldn’t be able to lift it, at least, not with my pre-death amount of strength. As it was, it still took some sweat to get the damned thing off the ground and rolling it while keeping it upright was still a bit of a chore. My second favorite mare thanked me for my help and shocked the hell out of me when she said that she had been planning to do it alone. I highly doubted that I could have done it and wondered just how strong she actually was, betting that she had held back while fighting me. If that wasn’t the case, then I have no idea how I was even alive. It made little difference now, but I couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty that Applejack had been right: I wasn’t going to be able to forget that event so easily, despite trying to push it further back in my mind, and I doubted that she was going be able to anytime soon either, though she hid it well. I found myself struggling with the idea that our friendship was a farce, that Applejack was being kind and understanding because of her guilt, rather than her nature. Of course I never shared the insidious ponderance with her, but it didn’t leave my mind while we were finishing up with the cart.

Macintosh had taken Apple Bloom into town for a few hours, shopping for various school supplies, clothes, and a few things for the farm. Neither of them were terribly happy to see me when they returned home, although Applejack was already doing damage control before the conversation even started. She and the big red fuck argued in harsh whispers, during which Apple Bloom sidled closer and closer to me until she was actually touching my arm.

“I hate it when they do this.” She murmured.

“By the looks of it, they do this often. Sorry I keep bringing you so much trouble.” I replied softly.

“I don’t think it’s all your fault. Big Mac just don’t like ya much.” She looked up at me. “I’ve heard his side, but Ms. Cheerilee always says that you should hear both sides of an argument before formin’ an opinion.”

“Ms. Cheerilee seems like a smart woman. I don’t really have a side of the argument to be honest with you. Macintosh doesn’t like me because I made Applejack mad, then made her sad. I don’t feel any particular way about him because I don’t really know him.”

“You don’t hate him because he hates you?”

“Not at all. I understand why he doesn’t like me, but I just don’t feel the need to respond to his kind of negativity, you know? It’ll accomplish nothing in the long run, and it won’t change how he feels about me, other than making him feel justified about hating me.”

“...That sounds like somethin’ Ms. Cheerilee would say.”

“Great minds think alike, love.”

“I hear that a lot too, but it’s usually from Diamond Tiara.” She scowled.

“The first bit or the last bit?”

“The first bit.”

“Then she’s not a great mind. The more one repeats something, the less it means, if you understand what I’m saying. If one calls themselves great constantly, then they must be trying to use words to shore up their shortcomings.” I hoped that my impression of this Diamond Tiara was correct, otherwise, I had just insulted her friend.

My impression was proved correct. “That’s what Granny says, more or less.”

“I just met Granny Smith. I like her.”

“You should! She’s the coolest grandma ever!”

“She’s cooler than mine, I’ll give you that. Does she make cookies?”

“Occasionally, but it’s mostly pies and stuff. Can I tell ya somethin’?”

“Is it something you want me to keep quiet?”

“Well, yeah.”

I nodded. “Then I’ll do that. What do you want to say?”

“I really ain’t too fond of apples. I mean, they’re still good, but most of the things we eat around here have somethin’ to do with apples one way or another.” She sighed.

“Well maybe you can stop by with Applejack sometime and I’ll cook for you two. Macintosh is invited as well, of course, but if his appetite is proportional, then I’ll have to go shopping beforehand.”

“Actually, Applejack eats more than he does! I don’t know where she puts it all, but I seen her-”

“You have seen her, love.”

Apple Bloom grumbled. “Gosh, you sound an awful lot like my teacher, correctin’ my grammar. I have seen her put away three pies in one sittin’.”

“That’s a lot of pie,” I commented with a smirk, “I’ve never seen her eat that much.”

“She usually doesn’t let anypony besides family see. She tries to be all proper, but I know her too well.”

“No wonder, she’s your sister after all. May I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“What do Macintosh and Applejack say about me?”

“Well, Big Mac says you’re mean and untrustworthy, but Applejack says you’re nice when you wanna be and you won’t betray nopony. She also says that you’re not like a Pony in a lotta ways, but that you’re just from a different place and was raised different, so you’re still gettin’ used to life in Equestria.”

I hummed. “Macintosh isn’t wrong when he says I’m mean. I try to be nicer, but it doesn’t always work out for me.”

Apple Bloom tapped her chin. “At least you’re honest about it, I guess. It’s not you’ve been mean to me, I don’t think.”

“You haven’t really given me a reason to be mean. It’s usually something I do as retaliation, but I hope you don’t use that as an excuse. I’m sure that with Applejack and MAcintosh around, you were raised better than that.”

“I was, even if I don’t remember much about my parents, I know they wouldn’t want me actin’ like Diamond Tiara or Silver Spoon. What about what Applejack says about ya? Is that true too?”

I scratched my cheek. “I’d like to say that I am trustworthy, before I get to that. I won’t betray trust given to me, if I can help it.”

Apple Bloom nodded, looking at me expectantly.

“What Applejack says is true, for the most part. I’ve told you that I’m not a Pony, thus I can’t be a nice Pony since I am not a Pony,” Apple Bloom scratched her head. “but that doesn’t mean I don’t try to be less of a meanie pants. Where I’m from, teasing each other and trading jokes that most Ponies would consider hurtful is just an everyday thing; a part of daily conversation. It’s hard to curtail that into the nicey nice crap that you Ponies do.”

“...So… You’re not a pony, and because you’re not a pony, you can’t be a good pony?” She asked slowly.

“Yes.” I nodded.

“And because you’re from a place that’s mean, you’re mean?”

“That’s what it boils down to, yes.”

“So when you say mean stuff, you’re not actually trying to be a jerk?”

“Exactly. It’s just how I communicate.”

“But what about when you do mean stuff?”

“Well, that depends on the situation. Some people would consider some of the pranks I pull to be mean, but they’re rarely meant to be. If I’m being a jerk because of something someone did, then I mean to be mean.”

“So you’re not mean just for the fun of it. It’s usually because somepony else was mean first, right?”

“Yep. Don’t follow my example, though. I’m a terrible role model. Be like Applejack or Fluttershy, they’re both pretty awesome.”

“I dunno, Rainbow Dash is more awesome in general, but Applejack is pretty cool too.”

“Rainbow Dash is a jerk in my book. She might do some cool tricks while she flies, but she’s arrogant and full of herself.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t let Scootaloo hear you say that, she’ll probably be mad. Why do you say that, anyway?”

“Rainbow Dash recently blew a storm over my house which caused some pretty heavy damage. She did it because I was mean to Pinkie Pie for doing something incredibly stupid to me, which I find to be extremely childish.”

Apple Bloom pursed her lips. “I guess I can’t really say nothin’ for Rainbow on that. It sounds like a pretty mean thing to do. What did you do to Pinkie?”

“I called her names, insulted her dignity and appearance, and said I was going to burn some of my furniture because she sat on it.”

“That’s a little overboard, don't you think?”

“Well she stole and scribbled in my journals, which I hold very near and dear to my heart. And she told Applejack a secret that I never wanted anyone to know, and I didn't even tell it to her. To explain, she eavesdropped on a conversation I was having with a friend and told your sister about what she heard, and when they confronted me about it, that lead to Fluttershy overhearing and Fluttershy eventually told our friends at a picnic, which lead to me having a scuffle with Applejack. Essentially, Pinkie Pie sold me out, nearly ruined my friendship with the girls, caused an argument between Fluttershy and I, and a fight between Applejack and I.”

“...What?” Apple Bloom scrunched her face up.

“What are you asking ‘what’ about?”

“You foughtApplejack!?”

“Yeah. She won.”

“If she won, then why was she so sad about it?” She cocked her head.

“If she hasn’t told you, then I won’t.”

“Well why bring it up if ya ain’t gonna explain it?”

“Because I didn’t know she didn’t tell you.” I shrugged. “Nothing personal, Apple Bloom.”

She pouted and I realized that the elder Apple siblings had been watching us for some time, finished with their earlier argument. Macintosh was still frowning at me, but it wasn’t the scowl that he had previously had, and Applejack had a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth. Whatever they had been talking about, she had most likely won, if her triumphant posture was anything to go by.

“I see you two are gettin’ along just fine. Applejack’s smile widened.

“Sis! I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you and Max had a fight!” Apple Bloom blurted out.

“In Applejack’s defense, it’s not something either of us are proud of, and it sets a terrible example for you. One shouldn’t use violence to solve their problems,” I said clearly, “unless circumstances make that option seem unavoidable.” I added under my breath.

Applejack’s grin had faded and Macintosh raised a brow. “Max is right, we shouldn’t have fought, and it wasn’t really somethin’ I wanted to tell you about, just in case it made you think that it was okay.”

“Well if you can do it, why can’t I?” Apple Bloom protested.

“Because Applejack and I shouldn’t have done it in the first place. Everyone makes mistakes, but you should be learning that we made the wrong choice.” I replied.

“No, I should have made the right choice. Max didn’t even throw a punch.” Applejack sighed. “It was me makin’ the wrong choice. Max came to see Rainbow, and I just let my anger get the better of me. It really wasn’t much of a fight, just me hittin’ him till he stopped moving.” Applejack clutched her arm and looked at the ground. Shame was engraved into her every feature.

I walked over and put a hand on her shoulder. “And yet we still made it right in the end. Don’t beat yourself up over, AJ, you hit too hard for that nonsense.” Macintosh and I chuckled.

“Eeyup.” He stated elegantly.

Apple Bloom seemed appeased, but she was still curious. “If that’s the case, why were you so torn up about it? You didn’t come out of your room for days!”

Applejack clasped her hands together and looked like she’d rather be anywhere else but in that spot. “I hurt Max pretty bad. He had to go to Canterlot to get patched up.”

Apple Bloom’s eyes widened. “And you just forgave her for that!?”

All eyes were on me now. I shrugged. “Not really. I forgave her because I could see how guilty she felt, and some extenuating circumstances happened while I was away let me see the value in forgiving someone for their deeds.” While they were still alive.

Applejack gave me an odd look. “Then why haven’t you forgiven Pinkie?”

“Because fuck you, that’s why.” I muttered. In a voice Apple Bloom could hear, I responded louder. “Because you only messed up once. Pinkie Pie keeps doing stupid crap that she should know better than to do.”

Applejack glared at me and shot a glance toward Apple Bloom. “Don’t be like Max, sugarcube.”

“Eeyup.” Macintosh put his two shillings in.

“He already said he ain’t a good role model, so don’t worry about that, but now I don’t think you’re a very good pony to look up to either.” Apple Bloom said quietly.

Applejack looked stricken, so I stepped in again.

“You’re wrong there, Bloom. You remember when I said that Applejack was a good person to look up to?” She nodded. “I meant it. She made a mistake, we rectified it. The lessons you should be getting out of this are as follows: Violence solves nothing, if you make something wrong, make it right, and don’t be like me.” I looked to Applejack and Macintosh. “Am I missing anything?”

“Eenope.” Macintosh replied.

“I don’t see why I shouldn’t look up to you. You sound like a pretty smart pony- er, well, whatever you are. I don’t get a bad feelin’ from ya like I do with some ponies.”

Macintosh coughed. “Max ain’t all that bad. I’m a bit biased.”

Applejack nodded, though she still seemed troubled. “I wouldn’t suggest that ya look up to him, but if ya like what ya hear, I guess he ain’t too bad most days.”

“I’d be upset if that weren’t true. I’m telling you, Apple Bloom, I’m not really all that nice, though I’m pretty sure I’ve already explained that to you.”

“You did, but I haven’t seen ya do nothin’ to make ya seem like a bad pony.”

“You haven’t been watchin’ long enough.” Applejack said flatly.

I poked her side and she jolted, glaring at me again. “Maybe you’re right, kid, your sister’s pretty mean herself sometimes.”

Macintosh and Apple Bloom shared a chuckle and a knowing look at that. With everything said that needed to be, I bid the siblings goodnight and headed back to my house, resolving to get back into town tomorrow to hire some contractors to fix my house, and to write Luna to see if she had any jobs for me. I didn’t know how her assassination had gone and hadn’t talked with Celestia or herself since any involvement on my part had been completely and utterly vetoed, and I worried a little before I remembered that she was thousands of years older and far, far more experienced than I could ever be. Celestia wouldn’t have let her go if she thought her sister’s life would be in danger, so I brushed the thought aside and focused on how my visit with the Apple family had gone.

All things considered, I thought it had gone well. Apple Bloom thought I wasn’t a shit head, Macintosh seemed less… angry with me, and Granny Smith had been quite the pleasure to meet. I figured that I now had could count Apple Bloom and Macintosh in when it came to my little get-together, and wondered if I should try talking to Rarity tomorrow to see if my talk with Pinkie had influenced her in my favor once more. I somewhat doubted it, since I hadn’t really forgiven the evil pink one for much, but I did stop calling her Cuntie, so I thought that would be a boon, if nothing else. I wondered if I should bring some flowers along to aid me in my plight, but then I realized that she had shit to apologize for as well. Maybe I’d leave the flowers for another occasion, like when I went to properly apologize to Twilight.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

After I woke up the third time that night, I gave up on sleep and tried to catalogue my nightmares, hypothesizing that writing them down instead of keeping them in my head would help me sleep better. I elected to leave them out of my journals for two simple reasons: I didn’t want to remember them, and I didn’t want to think about them later down the line. The damned things had been plaguing me for a while now, ever since the Gryphonia incident, and they were costing me more sleep than ever. The only thing that seemed to stave them off was company in bed. I took to rapping my knuckles on my headrest as a way to be sure of where I was, but even that small comfort had eventually been incorporated into my dreams, leaving me with little else in the ways of possible recourse. It was frustrating to know that, every night, I was trapped inside my own mind until I met another grisly fate that woke me, but I didn’t let it impede me. Much. I’d had night terrors for years now, and a few more weren’t going to stop me from living my own goddamn life, so I pondered what exactly I could do to fix it. I jotted down a note to Celestia, asking if she knew of any dream magic that could purge nightmares, but didn’t get a response. Not surprising since it was three hours before dawn at the least.

I settled in for a long day and started writing another book. I decided on a happier tale, one that mimicked my life in ways, but deviated in others so that the main character wasn’t just stealing random shit for people. Rather than being like me, he would ‘reclaim’ stolen goods from evil ponies, and I even had my first case, modeling it after my first job. Midnight Stroll would be infiltrating the castle of the wicked Doctor Droll, taking back the pendant of a mare named Lilly Pad. Of course, in real life, I had just stolen some jewelry for some greedy old crone, but that doesn’t really seem heroic, now does it?

My new story ate up time with my creative juices flowing torrentially since the actions in the book were somewhat based off of true events, and it only felt like an hour had passed when I looked up and realized that noon had come and gone. I put my scribblings aside for the time being and headed out for the day, stopping by at the local florist to pick up a bouquet of various fresh flowers for Twilight. The woman who ran the shop, a Miss Briar Heart, was quite the character. She casually threw out more swears and slurs than I could count, ruining a few ponies’ days, and I couldn’t help but feel a connection to her. We traded barbed compliments and she slipped a few of her own cross pollinated creations called ‘Briar Roses’ into my gift to thank me for being a likeable prick. I paid her double the amount she’d asked and I was off to see the wizard. Mage. Witch? Whatever Twilight was supposed to be. I don’t even care.

I arrived at my destination and announced my presence, which was probably a mistake because the door went unanswered. I rolled my eyes and went for the approach I knew best: Sneaking in. I stuck the bouquet in my mouth and clambered up the Treebrary’s branches with a practiced ease, knocking on the door to the balcony when I arrived at my slightly altered destination. I waited around for a little bit and I considered getting a pocket watch to track just how long I spent waiting on shit to happen throughout the day, not that I would ever be petty enough to bring it up when said waiting was done. I just like to know these things.

After waiting entirely too long, I let myself in and had a look around. The last time I had been in here while sober, it was during Pinkie’s welcoming party, and it had been darker than my sense of humor. In the daylight, I realized that it was Twilight’s room that I was standing in, so I hurried out of her personal space and into the hallway, nearly running into the woman I had been looking for. She was looking very cute in a pleasant royal purple sundress, and she had put her hair into a ponytail which was very fitting. Twilight stared at me and whisked her head around to the direction of the front door, whipping her hair in my face as she did so. Thankfully, it was quickly removed from my mouth when she turned back to me.

“Max…” She said slowly

“Hullo love,” I spoke quickly, taking a step back, “brought you a present!” Holding the flowers up for her, I grinned.

Twilight didn’t look as amused. “Did you just come in through my balcony?”

I winced. “How much trouble am I in if I say yes?”

“A lot.” She crossed her arms and tapped her hoof on the floor. It was a little odd since she actually had to raise her leg to do so.

“Teleporting accident?” I shrugged, turning the charm up to eleven. “Does it really matter though, love? We’re together, I brought some flowers, you look lovely, I’m undeserving of someone as sweet, intelligent, and forgiving as you, and-”

Twilight blushed slightly, but still ended up rubbing her temples. “Why.”

“Why what, love?”

“Why did you break into my house? Dear Celestia, I swear, it must just be my family or something! First my parents, now me!”

“In fairness, I didn’t break into your parents place, I don’t think.”

“I don’t know about that, because breaking in just to reorganize kinda seems like something you would do at times!” Twilight scowled.

Oh shit. Oh shit. Time to play it cool. “Not really. If I break in, it’s probably for a good reason, and I rather doubt I have a reason to break into your parents place.”

She huffed and and her grimace lightened. “I guess. You’re still in trouble!”

“I really don’t see why. You girls have let yourselves into my house on multiple occasions.” I replied.

Twilight’s nose twitched and her breathing picked up. “That was different.”

“You wanted to see me, I wanted to see you. The only thing that changed was the quantity of visitors and the deeper purpose of the visit.”

“You are so not talking your way out of this one.”

“Can I kiss my way out of this one?”

“No, you can’t.”

“I’m sorry?”

“No you’re not.”

I was running out of ideas. “Will you at least take the flowers? Briar Heart even added some of her own special fusion.” I wiggled my brows.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “I doubt it. Briar Heart is one of the meanest ponies in town! There’s no way-” I held up one of Briar Heart’s flowers. “Oh.”

“You forget, I’m the meanest thing in town, love. Briar and I are kindred spirits, and as such, I think you should look past her vulgarity and think of her as female me, but less cute than I’d be.”

Twilight took the flower from my hand and nibbled on it. I had forgotten that ponies ate flowers. “Wow… It’s an honest to goodness Briar Rose.”

“Yup, red, white, and pink petals with chopped off thorns. Briar Rose indeed.”

Twilight pursed her lips and shifted her stance. “I don’t think you understand how hard it is to coax one of these from her.”

I pulled two more from the bouquet. “How about six? How hard is that?” I stuck them back in the bundle and handed them off to her.

Twilight’s jaw dropped and I grinned. “Do you get why I was so eager to see you now?”

“Okay, it’s getting pretty hard to be mad at you. How did you manage to get six!?” The of corners her mouth slowly lifted.

“Like I said, kindred spirits. Briar’s a lot like one of my old friends, and she reminds me of myself when I’m in a good mood.”

“You talk like that when you’re in a good mood?”

“I used to. Things change.” I shrugged.

Twilight shook her head and gave me a bright smile. “Well, I’m glad you got it out of your system. Is this your way of apologizing for my vase?”

“Yes, yes it is, but let’s not bring that up right now. I’m just happy I could make you smile.”

“Aww, you’re so sweet when you want to be!” Twilight gave me a peck on the cheek and nibbled on her flower.

“I’m always sweet, it’s just that you have to get past the sour. While we’re on the topic of sweet things, I love your dress, quite fetching.”

“Well thank you! Rarity made it for me so I’d have something to wear to the picnic-” Twilight’s eyes widened and she covered her mouth.

“I’m guessing I wasn’t invited for a reason?”

“Max, it’s not that we don’t want you there, it’s just that… Help me out here?”

I snorted. “Rarity and Rainbow don’t want me there. Don’t worry, Twi, I’m not exactly offended. Wouldn’t exactly be thrilled to show up anywhere Rainbow Dash is anyways.”

Twilight’s mood seemed well and truly doused. “I forgot you were having troubles with Rainbow Dash too…”

“Again, don’t worry. We’ll work it out eventually." I might punch her, but things will work out. "Feel free to share your flowers with the girls.” I gave her a smile and pecked her cheek before letting myself out through the front door.

I can’t say I was terribly upset about not being invited to their little get together, seeing as how I wasn’t on good terms with three out of the six attendees. Hell, I wasn’t even phased that they had kept it a secret. I suppose I could have chosen to be offended, but life was too short to be mad over small things. That was when I stopped being mad at Pinkie Pie. Shit just wasn’t worth it, to be honest. Yes, she had pulled quite the load of rubbish, but in the end, the damage had been repairable and the only thing stopping us from being friends again was my own stubbornness. That didn’t mean I was about to forgive Rainbow for wrecking my house, but it did mean that I could give Pinkie some good news. Maybe my brighter mood was influencing my decisions.

With nothing else to do, I figured that I could go for a walk in the Whitetail Woods, mostly because walking through town would have brought me by Ponyville Park, and that was where I assumed they would be since it was such a pleasant day out. I didn't think any of them spent enough time in my neck of the woods to find my little clearing, so that was my next stop. After I picked up some edibles and got my pocket watch, of course.

I had been travelling in the general direction of my house, but the local jeweller’s shop was in the opposite direction, so I made an about face and kept on keepin’ on. The shop I stopped at was called ‘Blissful Baubles’; a nice little place with a friendly cream colored stallion manning the counter. He started me off with some of the cheaper watches he had in stock, but once I vetoed pretty much all of his designs, he began showing me the more interesting pieces. I decided on a skeletal piece that was well crafted, but rather expensive. I liked how I could see the gears move, and the general design of the piece. It had the motif of a Timber Wolf’s face on the front and an engraving of the rest of the creature on the back, the casing made of a dark, hardy, well crafted steel and the hands of the clock crafted from obsidian. The numbers on the faces were gilded in gold, and the gears inside were made of alternating dark and light steel, which I found to be quite intriguing. Overall, it was a good purchase in my book, though I had the vaguest feeling that Rarity would definitely find it atrocious, despite how much I liked it.

My new trinket only needed to be wound bi-daily and would stop after being wound to a certain point, so I could wind it whenever I felt the need to, which would help me out since I tend to forget about things like that. Once I incorporated it into my daily routine it wouldn’t be such a problem, but getting into the habit of doing it was the hard part anyways, so I made a mental note to wind my watch before I started on my journals.

With my new fancy pantsy doodad tucked away in my pocket, I made my way over to Blossoms and Blooms and had them make me one hell of a hoagie. Of course, there was no meat, but I figured I could go home, scramble some eggs, and make it a sandwich worth eating. Honestly? I was kind of getting tired of eggs and beans to source my protein. The vegetarian diet had never been my thing, and I’d always hated fish ever since my old man made me try pickled herring as a boy, so I was kind of stuck unless I wanted to try hunting something. Without any weapons, experience, or general knowledge of traps or snares, I was stuck, for lack of a better word. I had no hope of finding a trapper or the like around the Ponyville area to teach me, and on top of that, the ponies were fucking herbivores anyway. I thought as I walked and nearly punched myself when I realized that I shouldn’t be looking at the ponies for dietary guidance: I had the Naga!

I went back home, threw my vegan hoagie in my satchel, and started prowling around the Whitetail Woods until I found the broken branches that marked the trail the Naga men had used to bring me back home. It should've been about a two hour walk if I didn’t stop for rest, so I started my journey without further ado.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

If my nightmares were anything to go by, then the Everfree wasn’t very far off from being Hell. I spent four fucking hours dodging and running from Manticores, an Orthus, something I thought was a Bunyip, and a Roc that kept swooping down on me when I thought the coast was clear. I don’t even know how I managed to dodge that damned thing after the third time since I was so exhausted from being chased by the Orthus, though I was happy that the Manticore eventually gave up. The two headed dog on the other hand? Persistent. And horny, if the red rocket it was sporting throughout the chase was any indicator.

In my defense, my boosted perception apparently kicks into overdrive when I’m pants-shittingly terrified.

I lost my way rather quickly after pummeling the Orthus to death with a rock (not a Roc) and was bleeding rather profusely from where it had bitten my shoulder while trying to mount me. I did not envy their females if that’s how they show affection. I managed to staunch the flow of blood by shredding strips off of my shirt, but I was still hopelessly lost, and the Everfree was expansive to say the least. I had fucked myself pretty well; I had no survival training, no knives for self defense, and I was rather certain that most creatures of the Everfree could smell blood. Long story short, I was up Shit Creek without a boat, let alone a paddle.

I climbed high into a tree and calmed myself, assessing my situation to the best of my ability. After an hour of deep thought, my conclusion was that I was fucked unless a small miracle happened. Sitting around and thinking had gotten me nowhere, so I decided to keep moving. I knew that the Sun was beginning to set now, and from my time in the canopy, I could see that it was definitely not directly above me, so I headed in the general direction that it was going, hoping that it would lead me home.

It didn’t lead me home, but it did lead me to what must have been the largest tree in the Everfree. The tree was a great Evergreen that towered over its surroundings, but it’s branches were too high off of the ground for me to reach easily, and it’s trunk was far too wide for me to shimmy up, so I looked around for anything that could help me scale my arboreal asylum. Vines hung from just about every tree, so with the daylight I had left, I weaved the and tied them off on one end to make something like a weighted rope. It took me quite a while to complete, but If I could get off of the forest floor for the night, it would make the effort well worth it.

Sadly, the lowest branch of the pine was still a good two and a half meters above me, and the rope I’d made just didn’t have enough weight to get over it. I considered tying it to a rock, but it was too thick, and it was a bit rigid. I started working the vine to break up some of the fiber so it would flex, but getting the whole length done would take time I didn’t really have, so settling for a little less than half of the seven or so odd meters, I tried to get the job done as soon as I could. My hands were quickly rubbed raw from the effort, but since I couldn’t find my way to the edge of this damned forest, it was my best bet. I hefted the rope for a couple more tries and after the second, my efforts were rewarded. I wiggle the rope over the relatively smooth bark and brought the other half down, allowing me to tie a messy slipknot. By no means was it either pretty or my best work, but it was the best I could do at the moment and I was confident in my handiwork. I wrung the rope upward and pulled it taut with my full body weight.

I swung for a few moments with my eyes wide open, praying that it would hold. It felt like it would fine, but my hands were alight. I had multiple nicks and scratches of various depth all over my mitts that were making my grip slip. That, and they hurt like hell, but I could ignore the pain, if nothing else then for the fear of being caught napping within easy reach. I wiped them off to the best of ability and tried to used my legs to hold as much of my weight as I could while I made my way up, but I still needed to advance with my hands and my upper body was never really my strong suit. Despite every desire to quit and lay down, I forced myself to continue and eventually got the branch itself. I heaved myself up and took a much needed rest as I slowly worked on untying my rope, which came apart after a few more minutes. Once I was on the tree, the branches were smaller and closer together, often just out of reach. If I planned my route, I could get to the one directly above me within a few minutes. I tied the rope around myself and went for my first jump, wrapping my arms around the branch and hauling myself over before taking another quick break. The next few were a bit easier, with me only having to lean to touch the majority of them. I still had to risk jumping to them, but the further I could go, the safer I’d be.

I scanned the tree for a few seconds, trusting my senses to alert me to any noises or visual oddities that would tell me of possible predators and found nothing that stood out. I closed my eyes and listened to the sounds of the forest, hoping that it wasn’t just my vision that had been altered. I can’t say for sure if it was, but I could distinctly hear more than I had thought possible while focusing my efforts elsewhere, including what sounded like bipedal footsteps somewhere below me. My eyes shot open and I climbed further out onto the branch I was visiting and looked: It was a Goblin of some sort. Short and green with large pointed ears, it appeared to be looking for something. It hefted a small primitive spear that I doubted would do much to any of the larger creatures of the forest unless it was thrown in combination with a dozen others, so I closed my eyes and listened in to see if I could hear any more of them. My patience allowed me to hear at least four others that were in the area, so I carefully inched my way back to the trunk of the tree and sat still. I wasn’t out of range if theydecided to start throwing their stone tipped weapons, so playing it safe was my best bet if I didn’t want to deal with more injuries.

The goblins gathered around the base of the tree and faffed about, picking up clumps of needles and earth, sniffing them and dropping them repeatedly. I hadn’t delved terribly far into their existence when I had the chance, but Twilight’s bestiary did mention them a few times. Their bite was mildly poisonous, and as with most two legged creatures, they held a modest intelligence. They weren’t as smart as kobolds, but they made up for it by being as crafty as a two year old and their opportunistic ways meant that attacking wounded prey was pretty much the way they filled their stomachs. I remembered that they were often seen in the wake of a larger predator, which made me wonder just why they were gathering around my chosen pine. I hadn’t had any trouble since I had reached it, so they must have been late in their arrival, or they were looking for a sugar daddy to pass them along some scraps.

Both of my explanations made me feel a bit better, but the equally viable scenario of them following me by the scent of my blood sent chills down my spine. I had to keep my breathing slow and inaudible, hoping that with time, my new guests would give up and fuck off, but when more arrived, making the current total around twelve, I realized that they were bedding down for the night, meaning that I was essentially stuck unless I could keep quiet while making my last jump. This wasn’t a decision to be made lightly: I could either spend a night on my uncomfortable, yet relatively safe branch that was slightly lower to the ground, or I could go for one nearly three times its size and considerably more secure, but with the added risk of being discovered by my new ‘friends’. I rationalized that I needed as much rest as possible and that the added comfort of the larger branch would help facilitate that, so I went for it harder than I really should have. Instead of jumping just enough to get on the branch like I had been, I tried my hardest and nearly sprung over my target, which actually meant that I expended less energy in reaching it. Hiking a leg over the side, I checked the forest floor and saw that the goblins were stirring about, but apparently hadn’t heard my leap of faith. I breathed a sigh of relief. My gamble had paid off.

My mind was abuzz, trying to lock down all the information I had learned throughout the day. If you crushed one of the heads of an Orthus, half of it would die, Manticores were assholes, and the birds of the Everfree were assholes too, just with better wings. I was homesick already, and there was nothing more I wanted to do than have someone come to my rescue and pull my ass out of the fire, but since no one knew where I had gone, I couldn’t expect a Thunderbirds style team to come after me anytime soon, so I steeled my resolve and planned my course for the next day. I would rise with the Sun and head in the same direction it was travelling, taking me further west toward where I hoped Ponyville lie. Hell, if I could find the river and visit that Steven Magnet fellow, I would be quite happy since he could give me a rough idea of where to go, and I could wash off the grime I had accumulated over the course of my shitty day. With that in mind, I tied myself to my branch and settled in for an arduous night
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I awoke the next morning with a familiar beak in my face, twitching and bouncing as it clicked. I froze in terror as it gazed at me, taking in every minute detail of my body. I had slept upright, and the hawk-like Roc towered over me. It was at least two meters taller than me, and once it flapped its wings a few more times, I was willing to bet that it’s wingspan was more than adequate to allow it to carry me off if the massive raptor so chose. It leaned forward, sticking its neck out a bit to nudge my head with its beak. It hadn’t done so with much force, but I had though that I was about to have my head ripped off, so I closed my eyes and waited for the inevitable. When the inevitable became less clear, I opened my eyes once more and saw that the bird had back off a bit. The Roc opened its beak and let out a piercing cry.

“WHAT ARE YOU?” I understood its speach, but the volume was damn near ear shattering.

“A-A Human. Only one of my kind. Please don’t eat me.” I shook like a leaf as it stepped forward, its large talons easily gripping the wide branch I had been resting on.

It cried once more. “NASHOBA.”

I winced and covered my ears, blocking out the worst of the sharpness. “I know her well. She’s my companion. Do you know her?”

“I DO. I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO TAKE YOU TO HER.”

“Sorry, but you look more deadly than she does.”

The Roc preened its feathers for a little while, evidently proud of the compliment I had given it. I began untying my rope from the branch, but remained sitting, lest I be blown off of my perch by the Roc’s gusts.

“So you haven’t been trying to kill me since I’ve been here?” I asked tentatively.

“YOU LOOK TASTY. I CANNOT EAT MY FRIEND’S MASTER.”

“That’s nice to know. Can you turn the volume down a bit?”

It clicked its beak twice and answered with a few chirps instead of its brutal screeching. “I can. I will take you to the Gathering, human.”

“Yeah, that’s better. I would be ever so grateful if we could do that now, friend.”

“I am not your friend. I am your temporary guardian. If you lose favor with Nashoba, I will eat you. You will be tasty.” It stated simply.

I was hesitant to trust the creature after it said that. And before it said that, actually, but knowing that my relationship with Lupa was the only reason I was still alive, I had little choice. Before I had a chance to ask another question, the unnamed Roc grabbed me with one of its claws and took off, breaking the tips of the tree’s branches as it flapped. I was, of course, terrified to no end, and the higher we climbed in the sky, the more I was made aware of the fact that all it would take was one uncoordinated muscle movement for me to end up a meal. A jelly-like, splattered meal. The Roc gripped me tightly, though, and I wasn’t going to be in any danger of falling if it kept its hold on me, so my main worry was dying from the sheer force of the wind, something that I hadn't taken into account. It was a difficult journey, and my fear of heights kept me from opening my eyes during it.

Now, one might wonder how someone with the nickname ‘Gecko’ could be scared of heights, but I considered climbing and flying to be two very different things. At least with climbing, you had a chance of holding on to something before you fell to your death, and that provided a bit of an adrenaline rush. Flying, on the other hand, was fucking awful. I counted myself lucky that I was in the ‘arms’ of something that had been flying for the majority of its life, but I still didn’t like being so high in the air with little to keep me from dying. If humans were meant to fly, we would come with fucking wings, but we weren’t given that little boon, so we are forever blessed with not doing that.

The trip took far longer in my mind than it probably did in life, but either way, I was quite happy to be on the ground again. I didn’t stop to look around when I felt myself drop to the ground, instead, settling for making sure how much planet Equus knew how much I loved its gravity. When I got over my fit of temporary insanity, I looked around and found all manners of creatures looking at me: a few bears of varying types, foxes, wild cats, a few timber wolves, the Roc and a few of its friends, hares, snakes, alligators, large lizards, a single manticore, and a massive pack of shaggy black furred creatures that seemed awfully familiar. My heart leapt when I realized that they were dire wolves, much like Lupa. I looked around and tried to spot her, but the ring around me was closing in and I was far more focused on staying calm, trying not to let my fear overtake me.

I lifted a hand and waved. “Wotcher.”

A bird far larger than the Roc marched its way through the crowd and stood in front of me. I could feel every hair rise, and when the bird shifted its wings, I could see sparks of electricity fly from its feather, making more of the creatures back off. The Thunderbird leered at me for a few minutes before I noticed a bear and a dire wolf make their way toward the front of the ring around me. They appeared on my left and came to stand on either side of me, allowing me time to see them properly before they took up their positions. I recognized the bear as Bearett, but the wolf wasn’t Lupa if her green eyes were anything to go by.

Bearett stood on his hind legs. “Krel greets the Watcher.” He roared. I think animals just like shouting at each other.

The dire wolf followed suit. “Lycas greets the Watcher.” Its voice sounded male.

They both looked towards me and I stood as well. “M-Max greets the Watcher?” I called out in an unsure voice.

The Thunderbird nodded and the dire wolf sat down, though Bearett and I stayed standing.

“THERE IS A TWO-LEG AMONG US.” The Watcher cried, causing its entire audience to cringe away from its sheer volume. “Two-Leg, what have you to say in your defense?”

“Uhh… I was brought here without my consent?”

Mutterings of weakness could be heard, though they were few and far between. Waves of fur shifted and shone through the early morning light, and I wondered just what was going to happen to me.

“Regardless, Two-Legs are not permitted in the Gathering.” The Watcher picked a loose feather from its wing and laid it before me. It was at least a meter long, crackling with static as it fell. Honestly, the thing looked more like an elven sword than a feather.

“Take this and leave. Let it remind you to keep away. You will only be warned once, Two-Leg. Tread here again, and you will be a meal.”

The Roc that had brought me here screeched and I looked in its direction. It was completely silent after that, so I imagined that it had just called dibs on me should that ever be a problem. I was going to do my best to make sure that it wasn’t.

I turned back to the Thunderbird. “You see, I don’t know how to get out of this forest. If you could have someone get me out, I would be very happy to never bother you again.”

“Nashoba has told us much about you, Two-Leg. She says you are trustworthy, that you have done the forest a favor in slaying a cell of the Kobolds.” It puffed its chest out. “I say you have attacked the forest and its inhabitants.”

“Isn’t murder common in this forest? Most of the inhabitants will attack you if you come across them in just about any way, so you can’t say this a peaceful pace, Watcher; life here is dangerous. Hell, I stayed on a path, something that was supposed to grant me safe travels, and was driven through the forest! You can’t say that the Everfree is anything but dangerous!”

The Watcher clicked its beak. “The Everfree is only dangerous to non-inhabitants-” Half of the animals present snorted some dissent. “...Well, perhaps you have a point. In any case, you will not die here, so take your life and go home, Max.”

“Yes, happily, I just need to know where to go and I’ll be out of your feathers, mate. Point me in the right direction.”

“...You seriously don’t know how to leave the forest? Even fledglings know the way back home, Max.”

“I just so happen to be from the exact opposite of a forest, so forgive me if my navigational skills relate more to human settlements more so than this hell hole. Wasn’t born in the forest, never spent much time in one, and the Everfree is not the place you want to learn unless you have little choice.”

The Watcher ruffled his feathers. “I don’t care about your petty Two-Leg problems. If you choose to tread in the Everfree, you should be aware of the consequences.”

“Actually, don’t you have two legs too? I mean, two wings, two legs; Don’t you count as a Two-Leg?”

The Watcher flapped its wings and bowled me over with the gust it created. “Insolence! Krel, take the human and go. Return once you have dropped it off somewhere that isn’t here. This Gathering will convene upon your arrival.” The Watcher turned around and awkwardly waddled back to his previous place in the group. The bear I knew as Bearett lumbered over and huffed at me, picking a direction seemingly at random and walking off. With him acting as my guide and all, I followed ‘Krel’ closely, away from the oppressive animal smells.

I tried talking to Bearett as we walked, but he would have none of my questions, so after a while I gave up and tried to avoid any droppings, which were made more frequently than one might think. After a few too many close calls, I started walking by his side, and the thought that he was doing it on purpose had crossed my mind a few times. Fucking animals. With no real idea where we were going, it became one of the longest walks of my life. I was so eager to get home and out of this shit hole that there wasn’t much I was willing to put up with, so every root and branch in my way was dutifully dodged or broken in turn. We trekked on for what felt like ages, even though I knew only an hour and a half had passed, which made me grateful for my pocket watch. Small comforts really do go along way when one finds themselves in a murder forest, or a like situation.

Through the damp heat of the day, I started feeling terrible. Since I had left my satchel behind during my encounter with the Orthus, and hadn’t brought any water with me, I was parched and hungry without a break in the foreseeable future. When Bearett eventually either got tired of walking along or just wanted a drink, but either way, when he brought us to a river, I was extremely thankful, even though I was sure he had held out for as long as he could to punish me for something or other. I drank water by the handful, trusting whatever lie beneath the surface to bite my fucking face off if I gave it the chance. Bearett finished up with a fish between his jaws and tore it apart before we got a move on. Seeing him make short work of that fish made me wish that I had saved my hoagie, but what is lost is lost. Perhaps I would make another when I got back to town.

The thing is, Bearett didn’t take me back to town. It was about five in the afternoon when he finally stopped, turning around to face me.

“Do you know where we are?” He grunted loudly.

I looked around, seeing that pieces of stone were littered about the forest floor. They all appeared to be well worn, but from their general uniformity, I could tell that they weren’t naturally occurring, leading me to believe that we were near a ruins of some sort.

“My best guess is some kind of ancient Pony settlement, long forgotten. Probably here from a time before the Everfree became like it is.”

Bearett grunted. “You’re right. The Watcher was here for its erection, and here for its fall. This is where we part ways.”

“Hold up, how do I get back to Ponyville from here? I mean, I’ve never even heard of ruins in this forest! Can you at least send someone along to help me out of here?” I protested.

“I am your help. The Everfree protects those who protect themselves, so I suggest you begin your journey from here, where the forest doesn’t watch.”

“Look, mate, it’s not that I don’t appreciate you getting me here safely, it’s just that I’m still fucking lost. I can tell you right now that I should be dead-”

“And yet, you are not. Even the weakest creature has hidden strengths, and you should take care to learn what your own are. One more thing,” Bearett turned to leave,” Do not make the Broodmother sad, Two-Leg, I will find you if you do.”

“Who’s the Broodmother? Seriously, all this coded bullshit is getting old.”

“The Broodmother is your mate, fool. One of them, at least. The Brood Mother is a friend to the Kendani and the Zgon, whether she is aware of it or not, and is under protection from much of the Gatherers, so I suggest that you tread lightly with her.”

“Can you answer a few more questions before you go?” I asked, following his steps.

Bearett stopped and looked at me. “I suppose. Ask your questions.”

“Alright, so what are the Kendani and Zgon, and are you telling me that Fluttershy is basically a dryad or something? Why is she being guarded by so many animals?”

He snorted and swiped at a bug that had settled on his nose. “The Kendani are the dumb animals, and the Zgon are those like myself and Lupa. The Kendani make up the weight of the balance, and the Zgon are the watchful, the ones who make sure the scales do not tip.”

“Okay, I think I can understand that. Why are there two separate groups? And why is Fluttershy so important?”

“There have always been a separation, though even the eldest creatures do not agree on an answer. Some say that the first tortoise and owl together formed the Zgon, teaching their ways to those who could grasp them, allowing those that could not to continue as their instincts tell them. Some would argue that the Kendani have simply always been, and that the Zgon rose from their ranks due to druidic magic. The most popular story is that the Dryads that once roamed the planet freely gave gifts to Kendani that assisted them by spreading their seeds and fruits, helping them birth new Dryads. None of those I have spoken with have ever known the full truth, but I believe that it is by a combination of these three stories that we will find our answer.”

“...So you don’t really know. Gotcha. What about Fluttershy?”

“The Broodmother is caretaker to all those who would seek her out. She has nursed many of the Gatherings’ members in their time of need and will be protected for her kindness.”

“Have you spoken with Fluttershy yet? Does she know how much she means to you guys at all?”

“The Broodmother lacks your gift to speak with us, or I would have told her.”

“Actually, long story short, Fluttershy can freely communicate with you due to some luck on my part. Well, I would call it unlucky since I died as a result, but she can understand you as well as I can now.”

He scratched at one of his ears. “...I was not aware of this. Perhaps I will leave this Gathering early.”

“Yeah, if you do, take me with you please.”

Bearett tossed his head and lumbered off without saying anything else. Unfortunately, I was still stuck without knowledge of a way home, but at least I could do some exploring and hopefully find some food. I was confident that I could find the river that Bearett had shown me, but without food, I was going to eventually keel over and that just wouldn’t do, so I set watched until I couldn’t see Bearett past the thick foliage and set out to find some stuff out about my temporary home.

Now, I’ve never seen true ruins in person. Never been to Rome, haven’t seen any of the ancient Chinese architecture, didn’t think to save up and visit India, but seeing the dilapidated castle that sprawled across the Everfree’s land filled me with more awe than seeing pictures of it ever could. From the crumbling stone towers to the worn out drawbridge that was now residing over a disgusting moat, I carefully examined every inch of the place from the outside, walking around it to mark it in my mental map. I often brushed my hands along the walls, just to feel the years that had taken their toll on this once magnificent structure. I had never been one much for history, but even in my beat down, scraped up state, I couldn’t help but want to delve into this castle’s story, to learn as much as I could about it. The wounds on my hands had closed up during my walk, so I scaled one of the half-rubble walls and let myself inside after finding nothing of interest on the outside besides more crumbling ruins.

The inside was dustier than your mother’s nether regions; obviously it hadn’t seen any traffic in centuries. I took the time to look around and saw a few tapestries depicting Celestia and Luna, though they didn’t sport the same hair color that they did now. Instead of Celestia’s pastel rainbow, it was more of a muted pastel pink, and Luna’s was a light blue, a pleasant periwinkle. I wondered what had made them change it up, but didn’t dwell on it very long, opting to see what else I could find. The roof had been left mostly intact, a characteristic of good masonry, and the floors were smooth where the roof covered them. In the open air, some of the marble flooring had been eroded away by rain, and there were little divots where you could see that the water flowed. Without any other sort of plan, I followed the trails downward to the castle’s original entrance where the heavy wooden doors were still intact somehow. They were covered in moss and splintered in places, but otherwise had held up well through the years, though I saw that the rusty hinges they resided on were a strong wind away from giving. The lobby itself was pretty well off with only one fallen wall giving it over to the elements, but what really interested me were the suits of armor that seemed to be in fantastic condition considering their apparent age and where they were. I examined one that held a large zweihander and saw that the blade was also in fine condition, though upon closer inspection, I could see pinpricks of rust near the handle. I switched subjects and went back to the plate armor, seeing that the joints were also rusted, though the plates themselves seemed to be fine from what I could see.

My heart leapt when I realized that I could probably pick up a weapon here, which would make my life considerably easier. I cracked open the visor on the plate armor and sniffed it, seeing if there were any odd smells that might warn me of possible insect residents. I didn’t smell any sort of rot or the like, so I pushed it over, forsaking my previous withholdings in favor of finding something I could use to defend myself. With a loud clash of steel against stone, the armor’s weakened joints broke apart and revealed absolutely nothing. I had been hoping that there would be some manner of hidden thing inside, but I was still feeling good about finding something usable here.

I decided that following the water would only lead me to more things that were most likely too rusted to be useful, so I headed back up toward what I assumed was the court hall and had a look around there. I noticed that there were more suits of armor in the shadows that I hadn’t seen, but all of them held large weapons that I couldn’t use, so I kept looking elsewhere. Up seemed to be my best bet, so I climbed a flight of stairs and headed to the room with the biggest doors that I could find. My efforts were rewarded with the throne room. It was smaller than the one in Canterlot and the thrones were shorter than that of Celestia and Luna’s current ones, but I was willing to bet that the solar slash lunar stylings were once theirs. I knew that the ruling sisters were old and had probably moved the Capital once or twice, but I couldn’t help but wonder what made them ditch such a pleasant place for the side of a fucking mountain.

I approached both thrones and studied them in depth. I saw the petrified remnants of wooden arms and supports, but the seats were primarily made of stone and looked as if they were perfectly sculpted to each of the sister’s bodies so that their thrones could never be comfortable taken by another. Me being me, I tried having a seat in Celestia’s throne and found that the wing-wells that had been carved into the stone made for a more comfortable seating experience, though due to Celestia’s Amazonian height, I couldn’t quite get comfortable, so I tried Luna’s, which I found to be much more accommodating for someone my size, though the divot in her seat was a bit more shallow than Celestia’s had been. I had forgotten to take into account the amount of arse each of them had, and when I started trying to piece together what their general body types had been like, I came to the conclusion that Celestia had once been even curvier than she was now, and that Luna had pretty much stayed the same. I briefly wondered how big Sunbutt’s bum had been if there was such a large difference in their seating arrangements but cast the thought aside with a small chuckle.

After having a look around, I found a small sword and a buckler behind Luna’s seat. The sword had evidently been well oiled before it was left behind of the small amounts of translucent residue were anything to go by. It was free from rust, though the cloth wrapping on the handle could use some redoing, although it seemed usable as it was. The wood that encased the tang was well preserved by whatever epoxy had been applied to it, so I now had something to stick into whatever was going to try to kill me and a nice little shield that would hopefully do me some good if I ever needed it. I had thought the buckler to be made of wood, but when I gave it a thorough once over, I saw that it was more like a large discus with riveted straps and a handle. I couldn’t identify the metal offhand, and since my light was fading quickly, I just picked it up and went along with finding somewhere to sleep for the night.

As I checked from room to room, I tested any cloth I came across to see If I could use it to repair my new sword and shield, but much of what I found was too rotten or moth bitten to use as anything other than kindling, so I took my samples and dropped them off in the throne room in case I came across any flint later on. As it was, I was looking at a cold though safe night, and I was extremely grateful for that comfort. I continued exploring until I found myself in one of the towers that was adorned in Celestia’s Cutie mark. I hoped that her former private chambers were in here somewhere, and my hopes were correct, if the wrought iron, four post canopy bed was anything to go by. A flight of fancy struck me and I searched through the the ramshackle wardrobe and some of the chests to see if I could find anything. Oddly enough, I found some interesting livery that had maintained throughout centuries of abandonment. The dull undergarments were made of silk which had allowed them to survive, but I was more focused on repurposing them into a wrap for my sword more so than any nefarious purposes.

Most helpful panty raid ever.

I used the swords still sharp edge to cut the pieces into one long strip and coiled it around the handle, tying the excess off around the pommel. It took me a few tries, but I eventually managed to wrap it in a way that was both comfortable and functional, leaving me with nothing else to do but sleep.
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Morning light broke in through the shattered windows, but I had already been awake for the better part of an hour. With the nightmares and odd noises of the Everfree preventing any sort of restful sleep, I was determined to get the hell out of this forsaken forest as soon as possible. I had slept on the ruined mattress that was left of Celestia’s old bed which kept me off of the cold, hard stone floor, so I was better off than I could have been, but the bed was still dusty as hell and left me scratching like I had just laid in a bed of fleas. I could have, for all I know, but I preferred to blame the dust. With my sword and shield repaired and ready, I continued exploring the castle in the dawns light and made my way down to the kitchens. I wasn’t expecting to find anything to eat or drink, but I did find a few bottles of wine that were left intact and a piece of flint and steel that had been left behind. I had a way to make fire and a way to get hammered, so I considered it a net positive. I searched around some more and found a few empty bottles that weren’t broken. I could use them to gather and boil water, so my day was already starting to look up. When I got all of my supplies put in the throne room, I headed out into the courtyard to see what was going on in that part of the castle. As is the case with most ruins, there was nothing of note. With my belly growling loudly, it was time to see if I could kill something worth eating.

It took me a few hours, but I managed to find and kill a really big chicken. I say chicken, but I mean Cockatrice. I had found it pecking at the corpse of some poor goblin and snuck up on it, trying to get as close as possible so my lunge would allow me to kill it in one blow. I had had no idea if the things were even edible seeing as how the lizard- like tail and stature of the thing stated otherwise. That, and their petrifying stare would normally be enough to ward me off, but today, I was as hungry as I’d ever been, and I was certain that my elevated healing had something to do with it. If I could shrug off being poisoned once, I was sure that I could do it again. I soundlessly made my way towards the cockatrices back, carefully avoiding deadfall or anything else that might give me away. Luckily, the moist ground helped absorb my missteps and my experience helped me stay out of its line of sight. Once I was about two meters away, I sprung, charging the oversized drumstick, chopping it's head off in one fell swoop. I looked around for a few minutes and saw nothing that would come for my kill, so I began the tedious task of dragging the bird back to my lair.

With no experience in hunting, cleaning, or cooking an animal I’d killed myself, I tried to emulate Bear Grylls and Les Stroud to the best of my abilities, plucking as many of the feathers as I could from the Cockatrice’s legs. Utilizing some dryish branches and my pile of kindling, I headed down to the castle's kitchen and started a fire in one of the ovens, constantly feeding it more fuel to keep the fire hot. I wondered if I should just chuck my massive drumsticks in while the fire was going, but decided to wait until they died down a bit and shoved them in while the coals were glowing. I left them in the oven for forty five minutes and hoped that they’d had enough time to cook. With a mitt made of more undergarments, I pulled them out and set them on the island in the middle of the kitchen to let them rest before digging in. My stomach roared for me to tear into my precious meat before some unfortunate event took them from me, but if I could wait two days for a meal, another few minutes wouldn’t kill me. Well, in the Everfree it might, but that’s not the important bit.

Once my food had cooled off, I tucked in. I had overcooked the outside, and the ash on the flesh dissuaded me from eating it, but the meat closer to the bone was done to near perfection; perfect for a starving omnivore. I swear, I had never tasted anything better in my entire life, so much so that I ended up eating much of the ashen meat anyway. I heaved the other drumstick back into the oven after cutting it into strips, hoping to make some sort of jerky out of it so I would have something to eat when I prepared to leave the forest come jungle. I had filled my bottles while I was out hunting, so after chasing down the Cockatrice meat, I was ready to start looking for a way out of the Everfree.

I took a heavy battle axe with me to help mark my path as I dived back into the wild forest, cleaving branches from trees every so often, leaving markers to get me back to the castle if I couldn’t find my way out. I had chosen to follow the Sun once more, but after hours of trying to find an exit, night was beginning to fall, and I needed to get back to safety.

Days passed in much the same fashion. I would leave early in the morning with some food and water packed, and I would pick a direction to follow and hope that today would be the day, using some blood I collected from my kills to mark the days on the island in the kitchen. Eight had passed since I originally went into the Everfree, blending together into what felt like one, and my hope faded with each passing day until I crashed. I spent the ninth day doing nothing, wallowing in despair and feeling sorry for myself, but on the tenth, I had caught my twelfth wind and got back to trying to get the hell out of this shitty place. The castle had held many secrets like trap doors and other traps, but with a little attention, I found that I could pick any unsprung ones out with a rather impressive success rate.

My senses became more attuned the longer I spent in the Everfree, and I felt more comfortable as time passed. What had once felt like an evil forest now felt somewhat similar to a second home. A home wrought with traps, poisonous things, and deadly creatures, but it made a modicum of sense to me now. I could see patterns in the way predators moved, often chasing prey on a kind of cycle. Some days I would see Manticores and Orthus’ hunting long legged, deer like creatures, and others, I would see Cockatrices hunting Goblins or other smaller game. The trees that bore fruit were off limits since I didn’t know what I could eat, but I spent one of my days staking various plants out, seeing what came along for a meal. Often, Fruit bearing trees were left alone, but there was one tree that appeared to have coconuts that were popular among the herbivores. I used those trees as hunting ground and hid in nearby ones with dense foliage. The palm-esque trees held no branches for me to hide in, but they were magnets for edible creatures, so when I killed one of the deer-like creatures, I took the fruit it had been trying to crack and went home.

That night, I was violently sick, which I attributed to the fruit. I lost much in the way of water and nutrition when that happened, so the next day, I tore into my venison like I was starving all over again. Day sixteen came and went, and I still had no clue how to get out of the Everfree. My hopes of getting out were replaced with a drive to survive, though with a steady source of food and water, I had little else to do during the days, so I took up meditating in the courtyard. The castle had remained unaccosted since I had been there, so my sanctuary was the perfect place to rest and collect myself when I felt I was at wits end. Through my meditation, I remembered a lot of things that I would have preferred to let rest in the pits of my mind, and those memories made me even jumpier, despite them being from a different world and dimension. My thoughts of home made me miss England, and my thoughts of Hell made me doubt my sanity. Not that it mattered much when you find yourself in a dangerous forest surrounded by things that think you look like a fresh Snausage, but it still worried me nonetheless.

Day Twenty brought a revelation during my hours of meditation: I could actually use telekinesis. I had pretty much forgotten about it, which was most likely due to not needing it, but I learned that I could actually use the skill once I had a breakthrough on why I was so willing to give trust now. The breakthrough dealt with my desire to find something good in the world and my subconscious desire to be trusted in turn, which made me wonder just why I was as pessimistic as I am. I shoved that aside when I opened my eyes and saw that various pieces of rocks were levitating in the air around me, each of them dropping when I lost concentration. I blinked my surprise and tried to lift one actively, feeling something like an extra hand extend from my mind. It was like I had suddenly grown an impalpable tentacle that would do my bidding as long as I focused; barely visible and effervescent. I allowed the pale blue, translucent appendage drift across the stone in the courtyard and immediately started testing my limits.

It turned out that they weren’t terribly high. I could use my telekinesis to a distance of five to six meters, but the further I went with it, the less I could lift, which I learned through transporting a rock. The psychic appendage could carry a five kilogram rock to about four meters with no problem, but if I used it in close range, I could lift rocks that I could barely get off the ground, given that I was willing to deal with the mental strain that ensued. Using my telekinesis gave me headaches to varying degrees that ranged from mild annoyances to blinding agony, but after three days of faffing about with it, my limits expanded a bit and the headaches were less frequent and far less severe. At day twenty four, I could stretch my telekinesis to about nine meters and carry the same five or so odd kilogram stone to the same distance. The more I practiced, the better I got until I came to a plateau, which frustrated me to no end. I could heft a heavy stone to about ten meters, but I still couldn’t lift anything particularly large.

With no scale or anything of the sort to help me judge weight, I tried to gauge just how much I could lift and found that I could get a boulder about my height off the ground if I was standing next to it. Sadly, my physical strength was no match, and when I tried lifting something larger, I immediately blacked out. I’m not proud to say that I fainted multiple times before giving up, despite having recognized the cause. I let my failure lie and spent the rest of the day trying to utilize more tendrils instead of just using one. I found that using more than two severely limited what I could do, so I stuck with that and tried to see if I could break past the cap that was forestalling any more progress. In short, it didn’t help me out much, though I was definitely fine tuning my control. Before, I could only point the appendage in the general direction I wanted it to go, but now. I could steer it rather well, able to pick up a discolored stone from a pile of others without much of an issue. I could also perform actions other than grabbing things now, and during one of my morning hunting expeditions, I used it to slap the fuck out of a Cockatrice that wandered too close to my territory.

I had been about five meters away from it, and the Cockatrice had spotted me. Through the thick underbrush of the forest, I peered through leaves and thin branches to get a good look at the creature. I sent out my tendril, reared it back, and brought it home with as much force as I could muster, whipping its neck in a very unnatural way. I didn’t need the meat at this point, but it was becoming a routine to walk around the castle and pee on trees to mark them with my scent, and since the bird-lizard thing had been unlucky enough to cross my border, it was dealt with as any other being of the Everfree would.

The little scuffle with the Cockatrice had lifted my spirits considerably, and had given me something new to try with my powers. Slapping rocks didn’t do much other than give me headaches, so I switched to trees. I could put a pretty good dent in your average one, but when I tried manipulating my tendril to take another from, the real fun started. If I flattened it out, it made a pretty effective blade, and with a bit of effort, I could cut about fifteen centimeters into living wood. If I sharpened it into a lance like point, I could drill about six centimeters into a tree, and if I formed a ball, the whipping action I used was devastating. All of these actions depended on how far away I was, but I trained them to the point where I could break off a thick branch from about ten meters away. I was quite happy with my progress.

Day thirty came, and I was accustomed to life in the Everfree. Most creatures gave me a wide bearing since I had learned to effectively use my telekinesis. I still needed to stand still while I used it, for the most part, but I was beginning to grasp moving while using it without losing my concentration, though going any faster than a gentle stroll ruined my focus. In any case, I was now a force to be reckoned with, and most of the Manticores that I came across were well aware of that fact now. I stopped going hunting once I’d learned how to smoke meat without burning it to a crisp and focused on building a raft that I could use to travel on the river. My high protein diet had given me some decent gains and my occasional purging with the coconut like fruit kept me lean and mean, so hefting logs and the like to the clearing near the riverbank was less of an issue than it would have been prior to my stint in the Everfree. With my telekinesis and newfound physical strength playing a large part, I finished my raft in two days.

On day thirty three, I brought food, water, the wine I had found, and a few weapons to my raft. With more hope than I'd felt in a while,
I hoped to head home.

Chapter Forty-One: It's About Fucking Time!
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A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

Chapter Forty-One: It's About Fucking Time!

Chapter Forty-One: It’s About Fucking Time

I woke up disoriented like I’d just spent the night drinking whiskey from a boot shaped glass that was to scale, but when I got a good look at where I was, I relaxed and laid back down. I was in Twilight’s bed, though the woman herself wasn’t present, which was probably due to the fact that the Sun was already up. She’d gotten me incredibly high last night and the last thing I really remember doing was looking up at ther as she ran her fingers through my hair on the couch. I wasn’t complaining, though I did wish that I’d been able to enjoy that moment for awhile longer. Sure, there would most likely be another just like it in time, but I treasured the time I got to spend with my wife-to-be more than anything else in my life.

With thoughts of Twilight dancing and twirling running through my mind, I got out of bed and did some stretching before heading downstairs. I thought it would be nice for us to do some dancing later in the day, so I kept the question on the tip of my tongue as I wandered downstairs, but when I got halfway down, I realized that she wasn’t in the house. I couldn’t hear her heartbeat or familiar breathing pattern anywhere nearby, though I could hear Spike’s and someone else’s coming from the living room/library combination. I headed back upstairs, found my boots next to the bed and put them on because what the fuck else am I supposed to do with boots? Put them on my fucking head or something?

I came back downstairs, making sure to step loud enough to be heard without actually stomping so I wouldn’t catch Spike doing something he was probably entitled to do while Twilight wasn’t home. I had a sneaking suspicion that he’d been snogging someone since his heart was hammering in his chest and the other person’s was as well, so when I knocked on the wall before entering the library, I couldn’t help the shit-eating grin on my face.

“Sorry Spike, ‘Bloom. Am I interrupting something?” I asked, knowing quite well that I had.

“N-No! N-N-Nothing at all!” Spike stammered with his hands in his lap.

Apple Bloom was looking at the floor. “Heard ya were back in town.”

“It sure would seem that way. Sorry to kill the mood, but do either of you know where Twilight’s gone?” I inquired.

“Mood? There’s no mood!” Spike assured me.

I gave him a knowing look. “Right. Again, sorry, but where’s my purple piece of perfection?”

Apple Bloom wore a little smile. “I dunno, but mine’s right here.”

Spike turned bright red. Well, a brighter red. “Twilight went to go talk to Applejack for a little bit.”

“Guess who’s not going over there.” I muttered to myself. More loudly, I said, “Thanks, Spike. I’ll get out of your… Well ya don’t really got no hair, now do ya?” I said in a ridiculous Southern accent.

Apple Bloom took offense. “Hey! I don’t talk like that!”

I raised a brow at her. “I never said you did. Conscience of the guilty perhaps?”

She gave me an odd look. “What?”

You know what? Why not? “Where are you from?”

“What?” Apple Bloom asked.

“What? I ain’t never heard of a place named ‘What’. Do they speak Equuish in ‘What’?”

“...I really feel like we’ve had this conversation before.”

I nodded. “We did and it was hilarious. For me, at least. Tell Twilight I went Canterlot to go bother Luna for a little bit if she asks.”

Apple Bloom gave Spike a pointed look. “See? Max tells ponies where he's going before he just up and leaves.”

Spike glared at me. “Thanks, Max.”

“Why don’t you two go back to kissing and leave me out of your troubles?” I smirked.

They both blushed and I knelt, touching my shadow and falling into it. I rose in Luna’s room as I’d wanted and did some more stretching since I hadn't gotten my shoulders to pop like I’d wanted to when I first woke up. When I got my two favourite joints for the day ready, I waited for my eyes to adjust to the darkness in Luna’s room and started stalking around until I ran into a chair. I felt it up like it was a cheerleader and I was an American soccer player before moving on to the wall behind it and tracing my way around the room that way.

I ran into plenty of things, but I never made much more than a slight bump while I was in ‘Thief Mode’. Eventually, I felt something soft that was about waist high and figured that it was Luna’s bed, which turned out to be the perfect thing to hide under for a little bit. I didn’t really have a prank in mind, but I was quickly coming up with one as I formed the Warbling Blade into the shape of a stiletto. I made incision after incision into the space above me until I could see a lovely lattice that was luminescent lacing the entirety of the underside of Luna’s bed. It actually cast just enough light to see by, and when I decided to go for it, I rethought my decision and drew a large spiral that was absolutely chock-full of Dark Magic. Once I was finished with that, the spiral glowed brighter than the rest of the runes I’d made and I felt a mischievous grin split my lips. I wasn’t sure if I should leave it for my next visit…

Nah. Imma poke it.

And so I poked it. The sheer force of the wind made my eyes water and my jowls flap, but the best thing was the sound of Luna panicking on her way to the vaulted ceiling of her room. Her shrieks were absolutely delicious and I was laughing up until I heard her bed hit the ceiling. I quickly realized that I hadn't thought this through all the way and scrambled onto my knees so I could Shadow Dive into the Court Hall behind Celestia’s throne. There went two out of my three uses, but I was certain that I could convince my former lover to protect from me from her sister. I was about to round the throne when I heard angry clopping coming toward the front of my cover, so I sat down behind it and locked eyes with a Day Guard in the back of the room. I lifted my finger to my lips and beckoned him closer, willing him to move silently. As Luna ordered everyone to leave the courtroom, I sauntered over to the fellow and flashed him the seals on the Warbling Blade.

“Don’t sell me out, mate. I’m Maximus, the Duke of Ponyville.” I whispered.

He tilted his head but kept his voice down. “I’m Silver Storm. We’ve met.”

“Oh. Sorry for not remembering you, it’s been awhile.”

“Why is somepony still here!?” Luna boomed.

“Before you get us both killed! Go!” I whispered harshly.

Silver saluted and flew out of the room because he’s a pegasus and can do that, and once he was out of the room, Luna started again. “Sister. Time and time again, we have pulled pranks on each other, but we had a truce for Maximus’ homecoming! I cannot believe you would betray your word only a day after giving it!”

“Luna, my dear sister, when have I ever willfully broken my word to you?” Celestia asked, sounding offended. “I assure you that I did not prank you or pull any manner of practical joke.”

Uh oh. I had one more Dive left, and if I used it now, I’d be screwed if they came after me later. Then again, If I stayed here, they would know immediately that it was me, so my choice was clear. I knelt down and Dived once more, popping up behind the chair I usually did in Twilight's living room and I caught an eyeful of some fooling around that I didn’t want to see.

“Max!?” Apple Bloom shouted.

“Dude!? What the buck!?” Spike yelled.

“I’m not even looking right now!” I clapped hand over my eyes. “I’ll forget this ever happened if you don’t rat me out. I saw nothing, I heard nothing. You saw nothing, you heard nothing!” I scrambled out from behind the chair and raced up to Twilight’s room before I could get a response. My boots were already on the floor and I was under the sheets when I heard a soft pop, but I was doing my best to relax and sent myself off to the mindscape as fast as I possibly could. Celestia making a noise with her throat was the last thing I heard before I felt myself stand upright and was set on my feet. When I opened my eyes, Noir was shaking her head at me.

“You know you are not getting away with this, right?” She asked.

“It’s been a valiant effort. Is Celestia trying to rouse me?

“She is about to, and Luna is standing right next to her.” Noir conjured an hour glass that had sand rapidly flowing from the top. “Once this is empty, you will have to leave and use your acting skills to the best of you ability.”

“...We have like, three minutes at the rate that’s going.” I commented.

Noir shrugged. “I could give you a lazy handjob.”

I gave her a look. “Seriously? I’m pretty sure I’m not getting any harder in the next hour. It would be hard to get me from flaccid right now.”

Noir grinned. “What? You do not like ~~seeing your little brother get some action~~?”

“That’s not going in my journal. I don’t want to think about it.”

“I could make it a reality here~” Noir teased.

I closed my eyes and opened them before yawning and stretching. I actually needed to stretch again since I was so taut from my earlier tension mind you. I’m not just stretching all the time for no reason. I blinked a few times as if to clear the sleep from my eyes and rolled over like I was checking to see if Twilight was in bed, and when I saw that she still wasn’t, I sat up and scratched my head before stopping in the middle of the motion and turning to look at the Diarchs.

“...This is so fucking creepy.” I muttered.

Celestia crossed her arms. “Max, have you been in Canterlot today?”

“Hun, I literally just sat up. Where’s my purple piece of perfection?” I asked.

“I don’t know, and I feel like you’re dodging my question.” She glared at me.

I raised my brow at her. “You wouldn’t know if I was really trying to dodge your question. Can I get a cup of coffee before you start grilling me? And how would I even get to Canterlot and back before you guys? I can’t fly, nor does my magic do that.”

Luna stepped forward, leaning down to smite me with her eyes. I booped her and she scrunched her nose up. “Sister, I don’t think Max is the culprit here.”

“Whoa now, I might be the culprit! What did I do? Steal someone’s heart? Put a finger in the wrong hole on purpose? Mule-kick Twilight when she put a finger in my butt?”

Luna rolled her eyes and Celestia sighed. “Someone blew Luna’s bed into the ceiling using magic.”

I furrowed my brows. “I don’t think I have magic like that unless you count the little stiletto thing I do with the Warbling Blade. Even then, I don’t think it’s ever been strong enough to do much more than knock someone over.”

Celestia nodded. “If it’s as you say, we apologize for accusing you of something you didn’t do.”

Luna mimicked her. “We know of your mischievous nature. Who else would have the nerve to prank a princess?”

I rubbed my head. “Fair enough, but in my defense, there are two other princesses that like to pull pranks of their own.”

Luna and Celestia traded a look. “Cadance.” They said in unison.

“Yeah, but where’s Twilight? We never get out of bed until the other wakes up.” I said, shifting the blame onto my lover. In fairness, I knew for a fact that she had an alibi.

“It’s nine in the morning. You’re sleeping a little later than you usually would.” Celestia pointed out.

“...Why do you know my sleeping habits?” I asked, thoroughly creeped out.

“Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to.” She replied evasively.

“I’d very much like this question answered, thank you.”

Luna coughed. “If it is all the same to you, I’d like to find the person who broke my bed.”

Oh shite. “Can’t you just fix it with a spell?” I asked.

“I already did. That does not change the fact that I am losing precious sleep over investigating this matter and I will not rest until I find this troublesome trickster.” She said stubbornly.

I sighed and swiveled out of bed before putting my boots back on. “Might as well help you find ‘em. I don’t think I’ve got anything else to do in the meantime, so let’s get to it, yeah?”

Luna nodded curtly. “Let’s.” She turned to Celestia. “You are welcome to join us if you’d like to avoid Day Court for a while longer. An assault on your sister would be a perfectly good reason to play hooky for the day.”

Celestia tapped her chin. “Sounds like a plan to me, Moonlight.”

Luna grinned. “So be it, Soleil.”

They changed into their alter egos and adjusted their heights and outfits to match. I just stayed as me since I’m not magical like they are. “So can we stop by my house real quick so I can nab a shower? I’ll take you ladies to breakfast as a treat.” I offered.

“We ate not even four hours ago.” Soleil pointed out.

I rolled my eyes. “The shower part still stands. I guess I can grab a bag and stock up on fruits so we can move while I eat.”

“We would hate to be seen with a filthy heathen who doesn’t even know when to bathe.” Moonlight said gravely.

“Thanks, blubbery. I’ll be sure to make it quick.” I deadpanned.

Moonlight’s neck grew red. “I am NOT blubbery.”

“What? I could’ve sworn I said blue raspberry.” I checked my nails.

Soleil shook her head and Moonlight hit me. “You’re a terrible man who says terrible things.”

I rubbed my arm. “You’re an unsexy woman who does unsexy things. Like hit people.”

Moonlight went to hit me again and I stepped closer to give her a quick smooch on the cheek. “Abuse later, shower now, if you don’t mind.”

She rubbed her cheek, pretending that she could get my affection off of her face without a washcloth and bleach. “Impudent brat.” her horn lit up and we appeared in my bedroom, so I went and picked out an ash grey shirt to go with some lighter denim trousers. I didn’t let them see the boxers I picked out for modesty’s sake and went to go get showered, taking my usual amount of time because I’m not trying to make anyone wait longer than absolutely necessary. When I came out, my hair was still a bit damp and I was still trying to brush through it when I noticed that Soleil and Moonlight both had mild blushes on their faces.

“Alright, who’s been looking at my scrapbooks?” I asked, annoyed.

“Max, are you aware that it smells like a stallion in here? Not you, but another STALLION.” Soleil emphasized.

“Yeah, I let Twilight turn into a guy and fuck me while I was Roxy.” I said casually, levitating my brush back into my bathroom because I’m allowed to be lazy sometimes.

Soleil grinned and Moonlight rolled her eyes. “We had a bet going. Moonlight bet that you’d decided to try a stallion as Max and I guaranteed her that Twilight was involved.”

“I’m never going gay of my own free will. I didn’t even like being fucked as a woman.” I said disdainfully.

“And yet you’re so eager to stick your member into anyone that crosses your path.” Moonlight huffed.

“Anyone except you, babycakes.” I winked at her and shot her some finger pistols.

She looked offended. “What? I thought you showed interest in me!”

“Twilight told me that I couldn’t see you anymore, so there’s that.” I shrugged. “It’s nothin’ personnel, kid.”

Soleil gave me an odd look. “Moonlight is older than you and don’t you mean ‘personal’?”

“I know what I said, Sunbutt.”

She glared at me playfully. “Are you saying my flank is hot?”

I opened my mouth before pursing my lips. “I’m not letting you get me into trouble. I’ve told you how I feel in the past, so remember that and pretend I said it now and let’s go grab some food from the market, yeah?”

Soleil rolled her eyes and her horn lit up. There were dozens of soft pops as different breads, fruits and a large plate of scrambled eggs appeared on my bed. “Or we could have you eat here and we could go find Twilight after you eat the eggs.”

I shrugged and started eating with my hands like a savage. Once I cleared the eggs from the plate, Soleil teleported it away and I dumped my satchel full of clothes, electronics and pens out onto my bed before filling it with fruit and bread. Once I had as much as I would need to be full, I had her teleport the rest back to where it came from so I could get to munching. The fruit was fresh and the bread was still warm, so that was fucking lovely.

We departed from my house on foot and I used the Pathfinding enchantment on my necklace to locate Twilight. There was a faint purplish trail leading toward somewhere, so I followed it while snacking and asked Moonlight what exactly had happened with the prank. She told me that someone had cast either a powerful gust spell or that they had levitated her bed into the ceiling so quickly while spinning it like a tornado that it had broken the posts of her bed when it crashed into the ceiling, squished her into her bed, and then dropped her like a sack of potatoes back onto the floor. She’d had her doubts that Celestia would do something so destructive, which is a part of the reason why they’d both been so sure that it was me.

I pretended to be offended and said that I’d never willingly do something so destructive for the sake of a joke, which was almost true. There was the one time where I’d set off an entire meter long roll of firecrackers off under Will’s hammock for Chinese New Year and that had earned me a few good punches, but I kept that story to myself, just in case I wanted to do something to Luna again. I made a mental note to ask Pinkie if she could find me a lot of firecrackers one of these days and settled on later today, if I could pull off another two Shadow Dives without getting stuck in the Shadow Realm that is.

We actually caught Twilight on her way back from Sweet Apple Acres and she didn’t seem very happy. She had her exasperated face on and that was enough to sell Moonlight and Soleil on her innocence right away, though they still asked her if they knew of someone that would pull a prank like the one I’d pulled on Luna. I gave her a wink from outside of the Diarchs’ field of view and she immediately blamed Pinkie without hesitation, but when the nature of the prank was explained, Twilight told them that she didn’t know of many Unicorns that could use magic like that. I mentioned that we might be looking for a Pegasus or something since I still don’t understand their magic very well, but I was quickly told to stop being dumb.

Eventually Moonlight and Soleil suggested that they go back to the scene of the crime to see if they could analyze the residual magic in the air and get a lock on who had cast the spell from there, so the four of us went to Canterlot and appeared in Luna’s room, much to my dismay. I didn’t let on that I was dreading our arrival or being caught, but when their search turned up with nothing, I found myself oh so sad. So very sad. Too sad for words, you know. It was just a shame that we couldn’t find the culprit of such a heinous prank, though I played off my elation rather smoothly. I asked if there was absolutely anyone else with the stones to pull off such a prank, but the only person they could think of that would be willing to stop by and just pull a prank would be Discord himself.

I offered to get us some lunch since my satchel was empty after all our walking and I got stares from Moonlight and Soleil. I don’t think they’d been expecting me to get through it all in the time it took us to find Twilight, and when I mentioned that not being able to sit down and eat at my usual pace had just made things feel like they were getting burnt up that much faster, Moonlight asked me if I was feeling okay. I told her that other than being a little chilly that I was fine, but that made all three of the princesses look rather worried. Apparently it was quite warm for being so early in the day, so I checked the thing on my breast that was supposed to make me cold and found that it was glowing.

Once I saw that it was, I asked Moonlight if she would mind taking care of the emotional numbness thing. I was actually pretty surprised that I hadn't been feeling particularly depressed or dead inside, though Twilight did mention that I didn’t seem as animated as I once had. I shrugged it off and we went back to my house so we could get started, and when Moonlight enveloped me in her magic, I started feeling like I usually did, although it was like things were just feeling fresh again.

Up until I thought about what I’d done on Earth, I was fine.

I managed to keep ahold of myself through the worst of my panic attack, but I was rather torn up about what I’d done to over five hundred fucking MILLION people while thinking I was doing the right fucking thing. Instead of being kind on the fence about it, I was leaning toward me being the biggest prick on the face of Earth, which I’d already thought I was, but now it actually MATTERED TO ME. Luna and I had been sitting on my couch and I just looked at my hands when we were through. I couldn't bring myself to meet Twilight’s eyes, but when I found Soleil’s, I asked if we could drop the disguises for a little while.

Celestia looked at me, worried. “Max, something’s obviously weighing on your heart.”

“How are we supposed to live with ourselves after doing what we’ve done?” I asked softly.

She sighed and Luna took over. “You make your peace with it any way you know how. You confide in a friend and find peace there, or you talk to a lover and throw yourself into sexual pleasures until you fill the hole in your heart.”

“...I don’t think I want sex right now. It feels like I need to get something off of my chest, but I know all of you already know what I did. You understand why I did it and to a certain point, everyone in the room agrees that I did the right-ish thing. I just feel like… God, am I fucking EVIL.”

Twilight was by my side in an instant but when she went to touch me, I shied away, not even looking at her. My lover’s knowledge of when to smother came in handy because she traded seats with Luna and levitated me to the backless part of my sectional so I could lay my head on her lap. I didn’t feel like I deserved to touch her at the moment, but I couldn’t Shadow Dive away and I didn’t want to hurt her, so I tried rolling over onto my side to avoid looking at her some more, but she held me fast with magic.

“Max… You did something bad for a really good reason.” She started stroking my hair like she’d done last night. “The way you explained it to everypony made sense, so why do you feel so bad about it now?”

I still refused to meet her eyes and waited a moment before answering. “My Seal has been going off since before I left Equus. I don’t think I realized just how numb I was feeling.”

I could hear the worry in her voice. “You seem normal when you’re around me.”

Celestia coughed. “It HAS been two years, Twilight.”

“Or Max may be healing in your presence slowly but surely.” Luna offered.

I felt Twilight’s hand on my bicep and my own lifted to find hers. The contact made me feel a bit better, so I looked up at her and she gave me a little smile. “Is that true Max? Well, do you know if it is?”

“I always feel like I’m at my happiest around you, cherry”

She stopped stroking my hair to kiss her fingertips so she could place them on my forehead. “I missed your sweet side.”

“I’d say I missed yours, but I think I missed your sinister streak a little more. Remember when we teased Nurse Redheart that one day?” I asked.

Twilight blushed and looked at Celestia. “Not really, though I remember that you said something perverted to her.”

“It was the other way around, cherry. You told her that she should try loosening up the back door if she was breaking fingers when people tried putting them in there.” I squeezed her hand.

She turned bright red and looked at the other two princesses. “...Okay, I can’t lie and say I didn’t say that, but she WAS yelling at Max for something or other.”

Celestia and Luna chuckled. “You’re both some ridiculous people at times, you know that?”

I held Twilight’s hand to my face. “It’s how the best people are on occasion. You can’t be ridiculous all the time.”

Twilight gave me a droll stare, so I looked around and saw that I was getting them from every woman in the room. “Oi! Can we go back to being sad instead of just staring at me with those lustful eyes?”

Twilight flicked my forehead. “The only lustful eyes you should be getting are from me.”

“Actually, I would like a turn with Maximus.” Luna said.

“Run it by Twilight.” I replied.

Celestia huffed. “I swear, I don’t know if it’s because you’re promiscuous or if it’s just that you like royalty.”

I reached up absently. “Twilight’s royalty now, so she sates my fetishes for someone purple AND someone royal.”

Twilight covered my eyes. “What about if you couldn’t see? Anypony could use magic to sound like me-”

“Nope, I know what you feel like. I’ve committed you to memory.” I cut in.

There was silence and Twilight teleported out from underneath me. I sat up and saw three different magical auras push me back down before a blindfold was placed over my eyes. I let them know that I was rather uncomfortable with being blindfolded until I was quickly assured that there would be no below the waist contact if I wasn’t okay with it. I said that we would see about it if the game continued and so we started. I totally didn’t cheat by looking, though when I felt Celestia’s hand on my face, it was thrown out there as a possibility, so a wider blindfold was added to the one I already had and Luna was checking to see if I was using magic. I was not, so the game continued.

Celestia came up again and placed her hand on my chest, but I could tell by the size of the hand and her heartbeat that it was the white one. Twilight came up next and brushed my cheek with the back of her hand and I guessed correctly, so after thirty seconds, Luna came over and I guessed before she could even touch me by her scent alone, though in her defense, her specific smell was always a little stronger than anyone else’s. They asked how I’d known and I told them that Luna smelled pretty good on her worst days, so they used magic to stop me from smelling things and they started all over again. I never did tell them that I could hear their heartbeats because I didn’t want to be completely deprived of my senses.

When we moved on to kissing, the first person to go was Twilight and I kissed her for awhile since I’d known it was her. I let Celestia and Luna have their turns until I felt their lips change shapes, confusing me slightly. They all felt like Twilight, to be honest, so I spent a little longer kissing them to figure out who I was dealing with once their heartbeats started sounding more similar as well, but the moment tongue was involved, I knew who was who. Twilight was aggressive since she was trying to be possessive, but Celestia was aggressive because of her experience. Luna was rather passive, and when I got everything correct, the blindfolds were removed and my sense of smell was returned to me. Two of the Twilight’s in front of me seemed a little annoyed, but one was pretty smiley and I assumed that she was the one I was supposed to be kissing the entire time.

The other Twilight’s turned back into Celestia and Luna respectively and my Twilight sat next to me before giving me a kiss on the cheek. I held onto her hand and the other princesses came up with lame excuses as to why I’d been able to suss them out, like that my lover and I just spent too much time kissing or that they themselves were just too experienced. I told them that Celestia was too aggressive in the wrong way and that Luna just didn’t want me enough, which were words that got me hit for some odd reason. I don’t know what that reason was, so it wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth it at all.

The next thing we did was play some billiards, though it was a brutal couple of rounds. Luna and Celestia were fucking phenomenal and Twilight was as good as she always was, so when we teamed up to play a few rounds, it wasn’t that much of a surprise when Twilight and I lost. The Diarchs had known the guy who’d created the game on Equus and played it from its conception while Twilight and I didn’t have anywhere near their experience. That being said, Twilight and I were holding back for the first couple of rounds so we could sharp the last few. As it turned out, Twilight had only gotten better in my time away and I had to rely on muscle memory to get my spin archs off correctly and my jumps were well calculated. Celestia was still a savage with a stick in her hand, however, and when I flubbed a shot, she ruined any hope of Twilight being able to get our last ball in. My lover pulled through, however, and shot a jump ball clear across the table that nudged our last ball in and lined up a shot with the eight-ball perfectly. Everyone in the room accused Twilight of cheating including myself, but she said that it was a legitimate shot and I had no choice but to believe her because that’s my girl right there.

Twilight sank the last shot and Celestia told me that if we were done cheating, that we could take care of some business since there were three princesses and a Duke in the room. Apparently I’d lost my titles when I ‘died’, so it was just going to be a couple of days of Celestia and Luna preparing my coronation, though why I{ needed an official coronation, I didn’t know. I asked them why I was being rewarded for doing something that I’d only done because I was emotionally damaged at the time and Celestia’s response was that she fully believed that I would make calls no one else would have the stomach to make. I understood her reasoning well enough, but I pointed out that I’d only agreed to become a prince while I wasn’t in my right state of mind and she just shrugged, telling me that she wasn’t going to bother with the paperwork required to nullify the preceding paperwork regarding my princehood for a second time, so I was just going to have to deal with it. That, and the cogs were already turning with Cadance and Shining coming down from the Crystal Empire to see their favourite brother-in-law and temporary lover be turned into a prince. Shit was mad gay, yo, and I didn’t want to deal with that shit, but I’d shoved my own foot up my arse, and you’d better believe I was kicking myself from the inside out.

With my foot firmly planted in my own anus, I made sure to wiggle my toes around until I could feel them coming through my throat by bitching about every little thing until Luna muzzled me. I whacked her with my tentacle a couple of times until I formed my tentacle into a thin little cane and started spanking her, making her finally lose her concentration enough to let her magic go. I started bitching some more and TWILIGHT, my own lover, muzzled me again, telling me that while she loved the sound of my voice, she hated hearing me complain like I was Rarity. I thought angrily at her, asking why she never muzzled that twat too and she must have picked up on my thoughts because she told me that she’d muzzled Rarity four times in the past two years.

I gave her a hug, but when Twilight returned it, I picked her up with my tentacle and slapped her arse hard with my hand because I approve of muzzling Rarity, but not of muzzling me. She yelped adorably and I felt the muzzle get tighter, so I put her back down and gave her another hug. She pushed me away this time, glaring at me like it was going to make me feel bad or something and I chased her around with open arms for awhile as Celestia and Luna chuckled. She ran out of the parlour to escape my love and I followed her around the house, though we kept it at a light jog to avoid breaking anything in particular. When we were getting up the steps, Twilight was too slow to avoid me, so I grabbed her and threw us backward, coiling my tentacle under us so we’d have a soft landing, though she still panicked and levitated us in mid-air until she realized that it was unnecessary.

Twilight asked if I was crazy and I told her that I really was, but only for her and her beauty, which made her blush and curl up in my arms, upping the adorableness factor even further. I put us down in the living room where Luna and Celestia were chillaxing after watching us run about my house like a couple of children and they relinquished the couch to us so I could keep teasing my woman. Celestia received a note while we were talking about the pros and cons of wing massages since I was currently giving Twilight a mild one and she told everyone that Cadance and Shining were officially in Canterlot. I told her to invite them over to my house, but Celestia said that she was going to have to go and take care of things in Canterlot for awhile before they could come over. Luna said she wanted to get some ‘bucking sleep’, and once they were gone, Twilight had a question for me.

I was feeling up one of her wings when she asked, “So was it you that pranked Luna this morning?”

I chuckled. “Who else? Cherry, you should’ve seen the bottom of her bed: absolutely covered with my Dark Drawings. They even made the underside glow so beautifully before I set them off.”

Twilight’s wing flared out and I got a mouth full of downy feathers. “That’s just evil, Max! I bet you tried pushing the blame to me!”

I pinched one of the joints on her wings and she shuddered. “I sure did, but that’s only because you had an alibi in the form of Applejack. What did you go over to see her for anyway?”

“I wanted to see if I could use my Friendship Magic to remind her of why you two were friends in the first place, but Applejack needs a combination of my magic and Cadance’s to make her see reason.” Twilight sighed.

Your magic is basically mind control just like hers anyway. “I say we should just let her come around on her own. You know how AJ can be better than I can-”

“Which is why I’m going to ask Cadance if we can visit Applejack once you’re done fondling my wings.”

I scoffed. “Have you had a chance to feel these things? Not happening anytime soon, cherry.”

“You say that like I’m going to complain. It’s even better than one of you back rubs.” Twilight sighed.

I took a wing in each hand and squeezed the largest joints gently, spreading them out so I could kiss her neck. “We might have time for the thing that usually comes after the backrub if we hurry.”

She closed her wings, much to my dismay. “If that’s what you’re after, I’m going to need you to keep your hands to yourself.” She crossed her arms.

I made sure I wouldn’t be putting too much pressure on her wings and wrapped my arms around hers. “Why so cold, cherry? I’m sorry I wasn’t being considerate of your feelings when I tried shifting the blame for my prank onto you, but I knew for a fact that it wouldn’t stick.”

She turned her head away from me. “No. It’s not going to work.”

“It’s not supposed to work, I just want you to stop being mad at me now. We can worry about your knickers being on or off later, but right now, I just want you to know I’m not trying to be an arse.”

“You’re an ‘arse’ either way.”

I wiggled my face through her wings and pressed my lips against the base of her neck, but I wasn’t kissing her. I knew for a fact that just breathing on her clavicles drove her crazy in all the right ways, and though there wasn’t much exposed, I could still reach a bit of them with my warm breath. Twilight began fidgeting on my lap and I held her close, thanking my quick thinking for allowing me to slip between her wings. She smelled absolutely wonderful, like a sweet wine with a touch of shortbread that was just delectable. I knew Twilight smelled faintly of wine whenever she sweat, so I assumed that our little romp through the house had made her do so a little bit, but I found the scent intoxicating. I felt her throat vibrate and nuzzled my face deeper into her neck as if I could find the source of her scent within, but when she started shuffling her wings against me, I snapped out of my reverie and held my head up.

Cadance waved at me and Shining was looking at me with a distinct disapproval. “Wotcher. How long have you two been standing there?”

“Long enough.” Shining said drily.

Cadance beamed. “It’s nice to know that you still love Twilight just as much now as you did before you left.”

Twilight got off of my lap and sat next to me. “I’ve been trying to get your attention for two minutes, amour.”

“Sorry. You smell wonderful, by the way.” I said casually.

“Flattery will get you nowhere.” Twilight muttered unconvincingly.

I grabbed her hand and she let me have it. “If it gets me a little more time next to you, then I’ll never shut up.”

Shining coughed. “I need to talk to you, Maximus.”

I begrudgingly let go of Twilight’s hand and sighed, rising from my seat. “I’ll be right back, cherry.”

She grabbed my hand and kissed my knuckle before giving me a little wave goodbye. “Don’t take too long. I was having fun.”

I smiled at her and looked to Cadance. “Keep an eye on her for me, will you? If someone comes and tries to snatch her, blast them with something other than Love Magic.”

She nodded. “I could always make them fall in love with Twilight to bring you a little competition.”

I shook my head sadly. “It’s a shame I would be willing to cheat to reclaim Twilight’s heart.”

Shining glared at me. “You’re doing an awful lot of talking to ponies who aren’t me.”

“That’s because I don’t want to talk to you, brother dearest.”

“Too bad. We’re talking one way or another.”

Twilight and Cadance glared at him, but Twilight was the one who spoke. “Keep in mind that Max has Alicorn Magic. If he doesn’t want to talk to you, you’re not talking.”

Shining looked a lot less sure of himself, but I didn’t feel like estranging my brother-in-law. “Come on, mate. Let’s just hear what you have to say.”

I lead the way into the kitchen, grabbed the same bottle of bourbon that I’d been getting drunk on two years ago and thought better of continuing with that specific brew. I had Shining grab two tumblers and fill them with ice and we headed into the cellar so we could pick out a good whiskey or something to drink so we could talk like men. Shining was fond of scotch like Fancy, though his father and I shared a fondness for bourbon. We ended up going with scotch because I’m nothing if not accommodating and from there, I let him start the conversation.

“Alright, bruv. Say your peace so we can get back to our ladies, yeah?”

Shining sipped his drink. “You were supposed to take Blueblood’s titles.”

“I was.”

“Why didn’t you? Why wait until now?”

I took a deep breath. “I didn’t want the power. I have the funniest feeling that it’ll corrupt me, but now, I’ve given it some thought, and if I have Twilight to keep me as humble as a Prince of Equestria can be, I think I can deal with it. I still don’t want to be a prince, but while I was back on my home planet, I learned that I’m a decent leader. I have a knack for picking worthy administrators and I think through things well enough to make decent decisions. Celestia herself has told me that while I’m brutal on occasion, I’ve got a good mind for the task. I can make calls that no one else has the stomach to make, and I have the funniest feeling that she’s not just going to let me be a figurehead.”

Shining looked at me. “If you don’t want to be a prince, then why be one?”

“I’ll be one when I marry Twilight anyways.” I said solemnly.

He nodded. “If you’re good at choosing servants and stewards, then you’ll have a good foundation. Making tough calls is a big part of it, but I’m worried about you being brutal-”

“Luna’s a lot more brutal than I am. Our darkness is similar, however.”

Shining glared at me. “You’re not a prince yet. That’s still treasonous to even think.”

I’d been looking at the ice in my glass, so I turned my gaze to Shining. “What do you think Celestia would do to me for saying that? Lock me up? Strip me of my titles? My house? My land? Celestia loves me too much to punish me without good reason, and saying harsh yet true words isn’t a good enough reason for her to come after me.”

“What would LUNA do to you for saying that?” He challenged.

“Nothing. She knows it’s true and she isn’t the kind of woman to come after someone for saying true things.”

“You say that like you know them better than I do. You’ve been gone for two years-”

“And I was never one of their subjects. I show them the same level of respect they show me, if not a little less. They like that about me, you fucking fool. Get it through your thick head that I’m a gilded pet to them that likes to nip on occasion and you’ll have a decent understanding of why Celestia and Luna allow me to get away with half of what I do.”

Shining glared at me and put his drink down. “I’m really tempted to see if you’re as strong as Twily says you are. Don’t think I’m going to forgive you for leaving her just because she did.”

I glared right back. “Celestia and Luna were taken over by a being stronger than your comprehension and were forced to send me away. I didn’t want to go, and no one wanted me to go. I didn’t choose to stay off of Equus for two years; that decision was made for me. I only spent a month on my planet, Shining, and if you want to blame me for something outside of my control, then I’ll be happy to shove my foot up your arse and show everyone just how sick and fucking tired I am of people throwing fault at me for shit I couldn’t do anything about!” I finished with a roar, breaking my gass, though I hadn't even been touching it.

Shining and I stared at the shattered glass and slowly turned to look at each other, both of our chests heaving. We rose slowly and Shining took his outer jacket off, placing it on the chair he’d been sitting in. I gave him a little space and started stretching, doing high knees and limbering up in general. We turned around to prepare as we pleased, and after a minute or so, we turned around simultaneously and took up our stances. My southpaw unarmed stance that Noir had taught me reminded me of Muay Thai and Shining’s mid-guard was reminiscent of a typical kick boxer’s stance. We were both trained, but the main difference was that Shining had been trained to hurt, to detain. I’d been trained to maim, to kill.

When we locked eyes, I started running scenarios of what he would do, but before we could close the distance and clash, I heard the door to the cellar open and Twilight called from the top of the stairs.

“Max? BBBFF? Are you two okay?” She asked loudly.

“Perfectly fine, Twily.” Shining replied evenly.

“Just having a drink. We’ll be up in a mo’, cherry.”

“...Are you sure? My necklace is telling me that you’re-”

“We’re mincing words. We’ll hash things out.” I replied, cutting her off.

“If you say so…” She said more quietly.

Shining and I had never broken eye contact, and when we heard the door close, we struck. I leapt into the air, stepping off of the low kick he sent my way to send a knee into his chest, but he blocked it readily. As I was falling, we traded body blows with out dominant hands and once I hit the ground, we threw jabs to get a read of each other’s reach. Shining’s arms weren’t as long as mine, but he was stockier than I was, so I was sure that his blows would have a bit more oomph behind them, so I made sure to give him a low kick out of the blue.

He grimaced at the blow, but he didn’t flinch, per se. I’d never had the training outside of my mind to make my body as strong as it was inside, but I knew my techniques well, so I was going to have to rely on them to get me through. Shining gave me little time to think with a high kick that came a bit slowly, giving me time to duck low and upset his balance, but he’d been expecting me to go underneath and changed the direction of his kick mid-flight. I took the blow on the shoulder and tapped into the pain to send a hard gut punch his way, swinging with his kick and redirecting the force like Noir had taught me. I scored a glancing blow against his ribs, but I was inside his guard no, so I held onto his leg and dig my best to work his gut with punches.

My efforts made me a little progress until Shining drew his leg out of my grasp and tried for a single hoof buck. I threw myself backwards since Pony hooves are fucking brutal when they buck and rolled back onto my feet, giving us some distance to charge at each other. When we clashed again, Shining threw a textbook mid-kick at me and caught it at his thigh, opening myself up to a flurry of punches that just didn’t hurt that much due to the adrenaline running through my veins. With his leg firmly in my grasp, I did what Noir told me to do if I was fighting with a Pony who knew how to use their legs and sent Shining straight into the floor, mounting him.

His guard was tight, but I wasn’t aiming for his face. I pounded away at his funny bones until he could barely control his arms and THEN I went for his face, beating the slobber out of his mouth like I’d wanted to for months. Granted, we’d had an understanding, but Shining was angry enough with me to come to blows and I was fucking fed up with people making me shoulder blame for things I had no control over. Every blow I rained onto his face was fierce, though, I wasn’t trying to break anything. I’d actually been going rather easy on him, but I needed to work out some frustrations, though those thoughts went straight out the window when he threw me off of him with magic.

Something bubbled up from deep within and words spilled from my mouth that I didn’t recognize, though they did somewhat remind me of something Noir had said once, and when I saw that Shining’s horn stopped glowing, I figured that she’d borrowed my tongue to make him cease his faggotry. He got back to his feet rather shakily and I stood, trembling for different reasons. Shining threw his fist out and drew it toward him twice, egging me on, so I came closer and we circled each other slowly, but Shining made the first move this time, coming in with a big Superman punch that I met with a brutal cross-counter. He fell to the ground and I gave him a little space. His teeth had cut my knuckles, so I licked them to clear the blood from them.

Shining got back to his hooves and I shook my head at him. “We’re done. Before I cause something permanent, we’re stopping.”

“You hurt Twily.” He growled.

“It wasn’t my choice.” I replied with steel.

“Like I care.” He stumbled toward me, but I backed away, and as I was doing so, I felt something shove me from behind, making me catch a fist to the face.

Disoriented, Shining hit me with a savage combo until I got my guard back up and started throwing knees into him, making him back off. I tasted blood in my mouth and spat angrily, ready to end the fucker until I heard the door to the cellar open again.

“Max?” Twilight called out, coming down the stairs.

I glared at Shining and he glared back, both of us a bit out of breath and bloodied. We kept up our staring contest until Twilight gasped, teleporting between us with her hands outstretched. “What the hay have you two been doing down here!?”

“Mincing words.” We replied simultaneously.

“This isn’t arguing! This is fighting!” Twilight cried.

Cadance came down the stairs shortly after Twilight started yelling and joined Twilight in standing between Shining and I. “Really, you two! Both of you are supposed to be Princes of Equestria and here you are fighting like school colts! What do you have to say for yourselves!?”

I spoke first. “I never would have left if I had a fucking choice.”

Shining made a derisive noise. “Doesn’t make you any less guilty.”

“Are you serious!? Shining, you thick-headed, dim-witted, foal! Do you think I would have forgiven Max if he’d chosen to stay away for two years!? Do you think anypony ever would have!?” Twilight yelled. “You’re just being mad because you never liked Max in the first place!”

Cadance put a hand on her shoulder. “That’s not true, Twilight. Shining is angry because you were so lonely while Max was gone and he couldn’t help you. That’s why he’s taking it out on Max.”

I spat some more blood out of my mouth and tsked. “Whatever. We argued. We fought. Now we get the fuck over it like men.”

“We didn’t settle this at all!” Shining snarled, starting toward me.

“Sleep!” I commanded.

Shining fell like a sack of potatoes and Cadance raced over to catch him. Twilight folded her arms and affixed a lethal glare in my direction. “Why didn’t you just do that from the beginning!?”

“One gets tired of being blamed for shit.” I replied tersely.

Twilight walked over and was about to slap me when she thought better of it. “I’d hit you, but it wouldn’t do you any good, now would it? That’s now how mature adults handle things, now is it?”

“That’s how men handle things. If Shining wants another go, I’ll give it to him.”

“I’ll leave you if you fight my brother again.” Twilight said, her voice sharper than a diamond blade.

I set my jaw and looked toward Shining Armor. Cadance was glaring at me herself. “Wake up.” I ordered.

Shining came to in a moment. “What? Why am I on the floor?”

Cadance turned her glare to him. “Max did what he should have done when the fight started.”

Shining gripped me with magic, so I spoke again. “Cease!”

Everyone in the room stopped moving because I hadn't directed it. I picked Twilight up with my tentacle and walked over to where her brother and Cadance were before putting her back down. I pointed at the princesses and said, “You two can move. I didn’t mean to catch either of you.”

Twilight actually did slap me this time. “Maximus!”

My mind went fuzzy. “Hit me again. I fucking dare you.”

She went to do so and I licked my finger before sticking it straight up her nose. While she was gagging, I squatted down and looked Shining in the eyes. “Incite another fight with me and your muscles will not listen to you. You will not be able to strike me with your fists, hooves, or magic. You will not ask someone to fight in your stead, nor will you order them to.”

I rose and turned to Twilight who had tears streaming down her face as she held her nose. “Are you happy now? I refuse to hit someone who literally can’t fight me, so it’s taken care of.”

She didn't reply and kept retching, so Cadance took over. “Did you just use Dark Magic on my husband to- To-!?”

I looked at her. “For the sake of physical peace between us, yes. Yes I did.”

The taffy colored princess narrowed her eyes. “I’m not sure if I should be happy that you stopped your little quarrel or mad that you used forbidden magic to do it.”

“Por que no los dos?” I said in a bored tone. Looking back to Shining, I said, “You can move now.”

He hopped to his feet and drew his fist back to hit me before his arm dropped. He tried to use magic and I saw his horn fizzle and spark. “You’re a bastard!” He shouted.

I dug a finger into my ear and inspected it while Cadance held his arm. “I know. Just be happy I didn’t maim you or something.”

He started walking toward me and didn't stop. When he made contact with me, I swiveled around and hip checked him lazily. I wasn’t going to fuck with him, so I let the guy try walking into me as long as he wanted to until Cadance grabbed his arm.

“We’re going to have a long talk. I imagine you and Twilight are going to have a similar one.” Cadance informed.

I nodded. “I’ll see you later, Cadance.”

“Until then, you infuriating, pig-headed Human.”

She left and Twilight was still sputtering and snorting, so I stopped her in her tracks and licked her face straight up the middle, making her scrunch her nose up in that endearing way she always does. She wiped her face off and picked her nose, wiping a bogie on my shirt, which was fucking gross, but it made me laugh at her because she was just glaring at me at this point.

“Max, that was bucking disgusting! I can still smell your spit!” She complained.

“That’s what you get for being a hypocrite, Miss ‘Mature Adult’.” I drawled sarcastically.

Twilight wiped her nose again. “I despise you so much right now. I don’t even want to look at you.”

“Close your eyes so we can bicker in peace, then.” I suggested.

“I can’t believe you actually fought my brother.” Twilight said, pure disappointment evident in her voice.

I sighed. “You can only be pushed so far, cherry.”

“I know, but I expected you to be above that by now! I expected him to be above that!” Twilight groaned.

I grabbed a bottle of something in an ornate bottle that I only had three of, though each was different. I was pretty sure that it was absinthe, so I shrugged. “You wanna have a drink and talk about it?”

My lover gave me a droll look. “Are we going to ‘mince words’?”

“I’d never actually fight you. Spank? Yes. Fight? No.”

Twilight sighed and levitated the bottle from me and read the label. “Absinthe? Isn’t this supposed to be hallucinogenic?”

“If it’s supposed to be a hallucinogen to Ponies with your ridiculous constitution then I’m willing to bet that it’ll be fun. We’ll start small and build up, yeah?”

She just gave me a look. “I’m livid that you fought Shining. Drinking isn’t going to make that any better.”

I raised a brow. “I never thought that it was. My hands and face hurt and I’d like something to numb the pain since I doubt you’re going to do it for me.”

She rolled her eyes. “You can deal with it. You lied to me.”

I knew exactly what she was talking about. “Mincing words has a different meaning to those in the know. I didn’t lie.”

“Do I really have to ask what you mean every time you say something?”

“We’ve been through this.”

“Which means it’s a shame that you’re still a buckhead.” She spat.

That smarts… “Sorry.”

“Is that really all you have to say?”

“I’m apologizing for making you upset, not for my actions. I-”

“Shut up, Max.” Twilight shook her head. “It’s like every other sentence is a load of hot air, and I’m not willing to put up with it. I meant it when I said that I would leave you for fighting Shining again.”

“I’ve made sure that’s not an option.” I said softly.

“How would you feel if somepony restricted what you could do?”

“I’m more aware of that feeling than you’ve ever been or ever will be.”

“You’re guilting your way out of this.”

“I’m not trying to.”

“Since you’re not trying, does that actually mean that you’re assuming that you’re succeeding? Can I really trust what you’re saying?”

I shrugged. “I guess I’m just one untrustworthy son of a bitch, now ain’t I?”

“Alright, now you’re trying to guilt me.” Twilight said firmly.

I spread my hands. “And you see the difference immediately.”

Twilight made a noise of disgust. “I’m going home. Have fun, ‘Prince’.” Low blow... Really low blow.

She took my liquor with her, so I grabbed another bottle and started drinking on my way upstairs. This is why I hate people. People make shit so complicated for no fucking reason, and when they do have reasons, they’re fucking stupid. Shining is stupid and Cadance is okay, but Twilight is stupid for not being with me right now. God I miss her… It’s only been a few hours, but it feels like days. Maybe being lonely is worse than I thought… I’m gonna go visit Noir for a little bit and see what she has to say about the situation.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So I visited Noir and she sobered me up long enough to tell me that drinking wasn’t going to help my heartache any and that I wasn’t really all that justified in fighting Shining Armour. Sure, I had a good case, but she thought I should have fought him long ago for Twilight’s hand in marriage, but then again, Noir is weird sometimes. After telling me that, she let me go back to being drunk and coddled me for a little while, shrinking me down so that I was around two-thirds of a meter tall. Noir held me in her arms like I was a child, which was weird since I’d had my dick in her, but I don’t really remember what happened all that well since Noir refuses to un-blot those hours from my memory. I think she pretended that I was the child she never got to have, which is sad in more ways that I would like to comment on. However, when I left, she sobered me up long enough to thank me for coming to see her in my time of need and sent me away shortly after.

I opened my eyes on my couch and continued drinking so I could maintain a buzz. Well, it was more than a buzz, but still. The only reason I remember so much of the next few hours is because of Noir’s influence on my memory, which is rather nice when you want to catalog things that happen. Speaking of things, I remember thinking with an odd clarity that drinking the pain away wasn’t going to help anything, so I tried to Shadow Dive to Twilight’s house while drunk a few times and eventually I managed to drop into the Shadow Realm only to be thrown out by Noir for being dumb. I rolled around on the floor for awhile because I couldn’t really stand and kept my hand on my necklace, wishing that Twilight would come by and tell me that she wasn’t really mad at me, that she’d just been upset in the moment, but she never came.

After a while of not being able to reach the bottle of whiskey I’d put on my stupidly wide coffee table, I was eventually able to stand up and stumble my way up to bed, though I took the whiskey with me. I had just made it into my room when I heard someone call my name from downstairs, but I was too drunk to make it down safely, so I told whoever it was that I was upstairs. They didn’t answer, so as I was about to stagger down the stairs, I saw that it was Cadance. I gave her a wave from the top of the stairs and almost fell down them, but she caught me with magic. Luckily for me, I saved my bottle of whiskey and only spilled a few drops on my way down, so I had a celebratory sip and offered some to Cadance when she brought me to her.

Cadance took one whiff of me and fanned her face. “Max, you reek of liquor.”

“It’s a liquor kinda day, love.” I slurred.

“Your talk with Twilight went poorly, didn’t it?”

“She don’t wanna see me!” I said angrily. “I don’t blame her.” I flipped a switch and went to being sad.

Cadance shook her head at me. “Drinking isn’t going to help you at all, Max.”

“What? No, drinkin’ is the best thing for me!”

“It’s really not. If Twilight isn’t around, do you just fall apart?”

“Yeah! That’s why I like her!” I raised my bottle. “To cherry!” I was about to chug it when Cadance took it out of my hands, but I didn’t realize it until a few seconds later. “Oi!”

“You’ve had enough. Is there somepony you’d like to go see for the night? Maybe one of your friends?”

“I wanna go see Twilight!”

“Twilight isn’t available right now, sweetie. Is there someone else?”

“I wanna see me Mum! She’s blue!”

Cadance laid a hand on my shoulder. “And who is your mum, sweetie?”

“She’s Blue!”

“You said that.” Cadance said patiently. “I need to know her name, Max.”

I got sad again. “Max died.” I sniffled.

“No, you're Max, sweetie. Where’s your Mum? We need to find her so she can put you to bed.”

“I don’t wanna go to bed! I wanna see Twilight!” I objected.

“You can see Twilight after we see your Mum, okay? I just need to know her name so we can go visit her, okay?”

I reached for the bottle of whiskey, ignoring her words completely until she sighed and picked me up with her magic. Cadance was kind enough to levitate me to the couch and stick me there for a little while before she teleported away, though she left my bottle of whiskey on the coffee table to keep me occupied for a little bit. I doubt she knew that the cushions on my couch were only held on by velcro straps, but I knew that, and by the time she came back with Blue, I’d cleared the rest of the bottle and was flat on my face.

“Oh dear Celestia, my baby!” My Mum cried.

Cadance unstuck the cushions from my back and legs so Blue could hold me. “I-I didn’t know those came off!” Cadance said quickly.

“It’s okay, Your Highness. My Max is an adult, and if he’s making mistakes like this-”

“Mum! I lo~ve you!” I slurred.

“I love you too, baby.” Blue replied before kissing my temple. “He’ll be okay in a few hours. He told me that he can’t stay drunk for long, so I’ll just wait for awhile until he sobers up or falls asleep. Thank you for coming to check on him, Your Highness.”

“It was no problem. My husband started all of this, but if you know of a way to sober him up more quickly, I need him to undo his magic-”

I giggled. “Silly Po~ny! I don’t have magic!”

Blue chuckled. “It’ll be awhile before any sobriety spell I can cast will have any effect on him. Twilight could rouse him, but…”

I sat up and the room started spinning, so I fell back into Blue’s arms. “I wanna see Twilight.”

“She doesn’t want to see you right now, baby. Maybe tomorrow, okay?”

“No! I wanna see her today!”

Blue’s voice turned from kind and motherly to ‘Don’t fucking backtalk me.’. “I said tomorrow.”

I curled up and she patted my shoulder. Cadance coughed. “I’ve got to admit, that scared me a little.”

“You’ve got to be firm as a mother, Your Highness. Max isn’t the type to bowl over a nice pony, but he’s not in his right mind at the moment, so he needs the extra ‘oomph!’.” Blue explained.

I’m sure Cadance nodded wisely. “I see, I see. So why does he react so well to you ordering him around, but not anypony else?”

“I’m his mother, Your Highness. He accepted that I would push him around when he allowed me to call him my son.”

“You know, Max calls me Cadance. I’d like it if you called me Cadance too.”

Blue tensed up a bit, making me look at her. “Taffy Pony!”

“...Did he just call you ‘Taffy Pony’?” My mother asked.

“It’s better than his other nickname for me.” Cadance chuckled.

“Do I even want to know?”

I giggled and Cadance knelt beside me. “It’s goofy and I’m pretty sure it’s sexual.”

Blue sighed. “I didn’t raise him Your- Er, Cadance. I just look after him these days.”

Cadance let me play with her hair for a little bit, though she seemed surprised that I could braid while drunk. “I’m sure having him drop off of the face of Equus for two years was hard on you.”

Blue tensed up again and held me tightly against her bosom, so I held onto her hand and relaxed against her. “... It was like losing my first son all over again.”

“I… I didn’t mean to bring up bad memories for you. I’m sorry-”

“Don’t worry, Your- Cadance. My baby is back and he’s shown me that I was wrong to doubt him in the first place. All I needed was a good slap and some love from him-”

“Wait, don’t tell me Max hit you!” Cadance exclaimed.

Blue set her chin on my head. “He did, but it was something that I needed. If he hadn't shown me that he was real, if he’d just cried or left instead of causing me pain, I don’t know if I would’ve come back from the brink.”

“...I didn’t know Max was so close to losing you.”

“I didn’t know I was so close to losing myself. Before he came back, I was a shell of a mare and I’m still picking the pieces up, but knowing he’s here makes things so much easier. I wonder how he’s going to react when I tell him that I even got my stallion back.” I felt my Mum smile.

“Did you lose someone while you were…?”

“I did. My current beaux, Onyx Lock, couldn’t bear to stay with me while I was depressed. He knew that if he was going to stay around me, he was going to end up hating Max for something he didn’t know if our colt could even help. I hit him a few times for leaving me when I needed him most, but he made me a commitment that I couldn’t ignore. I’ve just been waiting for the right moment to tell Max.”

I pushed myself off of Blue’s lap and looked at her. “Don’t tell me…” My mind wouldn’t put the pieces she’d laid out together.

“No Max, I’m not going to get married to Onyx Lock.” She patted my head and drew me back into her arms. It was warm.

“I see you have this under control. If there’s absolutely anything you need, you know my name.” Cadance rose, taking her hair with her, of course. “It was a pleasure meeting you, Miss Blueberry Tart.”

“Please, call me Blue. Most ponies do.”

“I’ll call you Blue if you call me Cadance.”

“I’d say it’s above my pay grade to make deals with Princesses, but I’m pretty sure that being the mother of a Duke affords me certain liberties.”

“Well, in a few days you’ll be the mother of a Prince of Equestria, so you’ll have a few more.”

I groaned. “I don’ wanna be a prince…”

“You’re already my prince, baby.” Blue kissed my temple. “Thank you for letting me know, Cadance. Am I invited to the coronation?”

“Of course! I’m sure Max would have told you himself had today gone better. If you want to bring Trixie along with you, I assure you that it’s no issue.”

I felt my Mum nod. “Thank you again. Now,” Blue started lugging me to my feet. “Let’s get you somewhere comfy for a little while, okay?”

I heard Cadance pop out and tried to stumble over to my couch with Blue, but I nearly fell over a few times, and when we finally got over to it, she was a little out of breath. “I swear, baby, you must be a little ball of muscle!”

I closed my eyes and tried to gather my wits. “Thank you for coming.”

She massaged my scalp. “What else was I supposed to do? Let my baby suffer so I could read the same book for the hundredth time?”

“I have books!” I said more loudly than necessary.

“Do you have the third book in The Lover’s Days Trilogy?” She asked teasingly.

“No, but I’ll write it!”

“Maybe when you sober up for a little bit, baby. For now, where are your books?”

“In my study.”

“And that’s upstairs?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll be right back. Don’t be sick on anything, okay?”

“Bleh!”

Blue chuckled and lifted my head so she could go do the thing she said she was going to do. I stumbled around and hit myself a few times because I was drunk and couldn’t feel my face, though I eventually found my pipe and box of weed on the kitchen table. It took a few times and a lot of spilled weed, but I got a bowl packed and lit, so I puffed on that for a little bit, but I ended up coughing so hard I was sick in my kitchen sink. After washing it down and rinsing my mouth up, I started sobering up from the alcohol rather quickly, so I kept hitting the bowl until Blue came back downstairs. I brought my kit over to the couch and sat back down with her.

“Are you already feeling better?” She asked.

I slumped in the seat. “Not really, I’m just higher than I was. I’ll be asleep in a few.” I puffed on my pipe.

“Max, you really shouldn’t do this to yourself.”

“I know. I should’ve thought of what you would think instead of trying to run from my feelings.” I sighed.

Blue patted my leg and I laid my head on her shoulder. “Don’t expect me to sleep on the couch with you. There might be enough space for both of us, but my old bones can’t take it.”

“You’re not that old. I doubt you’re out of your forties.”

“I’m getting there.” She huffed.

Whatever she said next, I missed due to the advent of some sleep. When I fell into the Dreamscape, and I do mean that I fell, Noir and Luna were waiting for me in an unfamiliar room. There was a third seat at a table, so I got up off of my face after groaning my dissent. Once I was off the floor, they started filling me in on the conversation I’d missed and it was basically just that my True Magic was preparing to take its shape due to Noir speeding up time around it and its formation. Apparently, while in my mind, they could talk about God and such things, so my magic was no longer off limits. However, neither of them recognized my magic as anything other than what it was so they couldn’t really tell me about it, but they needed me to be coronated before they could allow me to have actually use for any real purpose.

I was confused as to why I needed to be a prince to get my new power and they just told me that it would soften the blow of me becoming something I still didn’t want to be, but I assured them that no power I could possibly get would make me any happier about becoming a prince. They pointed out that it wasn‘t supposed to make me happier and I called them both wobble twobbles, but neither of them knew what the fuck I was talking about and Noir couldn’t tell if it was nonsense or a purposeful abstraction of ‘twat’. Either way, they told me that Twilight wouldn’t stay mad at me long since Shining had been the one to start the bullshit in Luna’s opinion, though I did remember that I needed to cure him of the commands I’d given him. I was pretty sure that we’d both broken our word to our respective ladies regarding fighting each other, which was sucky.

Much to my surprise, they added a fourth and fifth chair for Celestia and Cadance to join us. They all gave me the same verdict regarding Twilight, though Cadance told me that my lover had been dipping into the liquor she’d effectively stolen from me when she’d teleported away. I shrugged and asked if Twilight was drunk when she left the Treebrary, but Cadance told me that she was mostly giddy and sad in turns. I was a little upset to hear that she was taking me fighting her brother so hard, but when Cadance told me that Twilight had only taken a few shots worth out of the bottle, I felt a little better and it was evident that Twilight was just tripping her tits off.

The conference of princesses and one former queen began in full and we started discussing plans that Twilight wasn’t supposed to know about. Noir’s knowledge of battlefield tactics was put to use and Luna’s updated battlefield experience was tempered with my modern knowledge, though I didn’t know much. Anything I knew was fully formed and explained by Noir while giving credit to the humans, and between the three of us, we came up with a decent game plan for The War, just in case things kicked off. Things were tense on Cadance’s front, but she was actually the least involved, and when I suggested that we use the Crystal Ponies as a last resort, she was a little loathe to place her people’s lives above anyone else’s, though Celestia reasoned that keeping them until last wouldn’t really be sparing them if Discord wanted a full World War.

Being a prince fucking sucks. I didn’t want to know about any of this. I really didn’t want to be one of the people deciding who would die first and who would live until the end, but there I was, giving my insight on who would be best suited to being on the front lines and deciding what kind of spells our Unicorns would have to use in the coming storm. I suggested that we use a few large gravity-warping spells to end lives, but the sheer magical power that would be necessary would be out of the range of seventy-five average Unicorns put together, and it just wasn’t an option because of the consequences of making a black hole. I suggested that we just get me a megaphone the size of a small ox and have me shout at the enemy to just roll over and die or to come to our side and that actually went over pretty well until Celestia reminded everyone that we weren’t actually going to be on the battlefield. I had a problem with that.

“We act as rulers, Maximus. We do not engage in battle ourselves.” Celestia put her words on the table and dared me to object.

I objected. “We are leaders. I may not speak for you, but I’m fucking immortal and our soldiers are not, so I feel like it’s our responsibility to use more than just our station to lead our people into the fray. I’ve spent months in my mind fighting battle after battle with Noir, and I can tell you from experience that directing soldiers isn’t my thing.”

Celestia steepled her fingers. “It will become your thing with some training. Don’t expect to do as you please as you do now, Maximus. You will be groomed into a proper prince, and you will not be putting your soul on the line, your very self, for the sake of this war.”

“Do you understand how incredibly selfish that would be? I can die at least two more times and be fine but our men and women in arms only get one shot. We are too strong to sit at home and direct while our soldiers are out there putting their lives on the line,” Celestia opened her mouth, so I raised a hand, “and I’m not saying that your only use is as a soldier, but I straight up don’t give a shit about tactics, Celestia. I slaughter until I can’t anymore. You’re a general, I’m a knight. We have different places on the battlefield.”

“So you’re saying that we should sally forth and risk our lives, allowing Equestria to fall when we do?” Celestia asked, struggling to maintain her neutral tone.

“No, I’m saying that we should be doing the sweep and letting our soldier pick up the pieces. We bring the big guns, and when we’ve done the heavy lifting, we fall back. That's what I’m suggesting. I know you and Luna have the raw power necessary to wipe a town off of the face of the planet, and I don’t know the recharge time, but if we save your power for the big battles and let our people handle the small ones, then we get. Shit. Done.”

Celestia and Luna traded looks. “...So you’re saying that we should be taking on the main forces? Maximus, that’s incredibly dishonorable.”

I raised a brow and crossed my arms. “All’s fair in love and war. As long as we don’t start killing innocents, we’re doing just fine in my book.”

Luna nodded. “I like it.”

Celestia folded her arms and glared at me. “Why would you assume we wouldn’t do that in the first place?”

“Because from the way you were talking, you want to be purely a tactician in this fight and that’s just not an option. If The War is going to be on a worldwide scale, then we need to be thinking of Rolling Thunder type tactics; blowing enemy forces out of the water so consistently that we demoralize them and they have to be forced to fight so that the later battles are easily won.”

Noir grinned widely. “Do you see why I am fond of him? His creativity and insight on the field of battle is quite pleasant. That and he is incredibly lucky.”

Cadance added her input. “I still think we should be focusing on taking Discord down before the fighting starts. Things will not be easy, but I have faith that the Elements will see through the guise he puts on in front of them-”

“Wait, Dicksword has already met the girls?” I asked in disbelief.

Noir was the only one who met my eyes. “He has killed you multiple times and altered the memories of the girls so that you were not present during their interactions. We cannot stop Discord until they see that he is truly evil.”

I slammed my fists on the table, fucking outraged. “When the fuck were you planning on telling me this!? We could’ve been working together to get them to see that he’s an evil fucking prick already!”

Noir shook her head. “We tried that. He altered their memories and killed you. Calm down.”

“I’d at least like to know that the bloody fucker keeps killing me!”

Celestia turned a doleful eye to me. “And how would you take that? He’ll alter your memories the next time he sees you anyway, so it’s rather pointless. We’re going into this war headfirst, blinder than earthworms and it’ll unfold however Discord chooses, Max. That’s the kind of battle we’re looking at.”

I groaned and slid my hands down my face. “Fucking Christ. If he’s been doing that and we don’t have control of it, then why are we even fighting at this point?”

Luna huffed. “Discord will do as he pleases. The only thing that’s keeping him from taking over the world again is his lack of ambition. All he wants is a war.”

“And we will win it.” Noir said with finality. “We may be forced to play his paltry game, but we will come out victorious in the end.”

There were nods from around the table and Celestia was the next to speak. “Tell us more about your plans to have us do the heavy lifting, Max.”

I leaned forward on my elbows and grinned. “Fire, first off. Lightning and rain next, not necessarily in that order. Arrow storms, flashing daggers, poison and poison powder. What strikes your fancy?”

Celestia and Cadance gave me a worried look, though Cadance was the one who spoke. “Max, you just said a string of words.”

“Pick a set that interests you.”

Noir raised a hand. “I will explain. Max is proposing that we use a massive fireball, one on the scale of a miniature Sun to eliminate the majority of an enemy’s forces. The thunderstorm he is proposing is one on an epic proportion with Pegasi raining lightning onto the battlefield and using mineral water as a conductor to electrocute the enemy. The arrow storms are self explanatory, though he wants someone to fly high above the battleground and fire volleys of them at the enemy, hundreds at a time at high speeds. The ‘flashing daggers’ are weapons controlled by telekinesis that would effectively be whirling dervishes of death in the ranks of the enemies, and the poison powder would be spread by Pegasi wearing masks over and enemies forces, allowing it to fall to the earth and causing sickness amongst the troops. The poison is mostly for suppression of enemy-”

“Noir, you’re forgetting about my friend.” I cut in. “I forgot about her too, but Starshine Nebula and a few well placed Changelings could poison all of the water supply and every bit of food our enemy has.” Noir and I traded devilish smiles and turned to view our audience.

Celestia looked grim, but accepting. Cadance seemed quite sickened, but Luna was giving us a slow clap. “Bravo! Simply wonderful ideas!”

I went for a fist-bump with Noir and she met it with an open hand. “Thank you, but this is only the beginning. We must decide where The War will be fought, if we are allowed to choose its location, and even then we must decide who will lead the majority of the forces, though I imagine that yourself and Celestia already have capable generals in place.”

Luna nodded. “We do. I have trained them myself.”

“Lovely, but we need to start getting our forces trained properly. The last I heard, the newest recruits in the Equestrian Guard were coming out soft, basically cannon fodder.” I said.

“That was two years ago, was it not?” Celestia asked.

“It was, but if the problem persisted, then we’re a special shade of screwed.” I replied.

“I’ll check with Night Light and Shoulder Boulder-” Celestia started.

I cracked up. “You fucking what?”

Noir whacked me. “He finds humor in the name ‘Shoulder Boulder’.”

I got looks from around the table, though Cadance was the one to ask, “So why is that?”

“Shoulder boulders are what you all have.” I chuckled.

Luna conjured up a tomato to throw at me while Cadance and Celestia were groaning. “How have you managed to sleep with three-quarters of the women here with your level of maturity?” Celestia asked.

I grinned. “It’s a part of the charm, I’m telling you! The child-at-heart rogue thing I have going on is equal parts endearing and infuriating.”

Cadance rolled her eyes. “You’re a foal.”

“Am I young enough to breastfeed?”

She gave me a look that told me that I wasn’t and Celestia sighed, picking up where we’d left off. “If we can stop getting distracted, then I’ll check with Night Light and Shoulder Boulder,” She paused to glare at me, daring me to laugh, “and we’ll see where our recruits are and how they’ve been over the past two years. I’m sure all this peace has made our forces a little softer than we’d like.”

“If you’re taking suggestions, then let Luna and myself train them. I’m not terrible at teaching and I have Noir backing me up with thousands of years of experience that predates Luna’s. That, and Luna’s a fucking monster all her own.” I sent her a smirk.

Luna gave me a look. “That didn’t sound like a compliment.”

Noir shook her head. “It was. Maximus is well aware of your skill with the sword from the last time you two sparred. I would like it if you were to keep Max in the Castle for a few weeks to train him further, however. His mind is prepared for battle and his technique is sound, but his body is not up to par. If his techniques were less than they are, he would have lost to Shining Armor due to his physicality alone.”

“I don’t and I’m not going to like being away from Twilight for so long.” I stated.

Celestia waved my words aside. “She can visit you whenever she pleases, though I suggest you keep any conjugal visits to a minimum.”

“We still haven’t had actual sex besides the time she turned into a dude.” I pointed out.

Cadance’s ears twitched. “I thought you had a phobia of being penetrated?”

I smirked. “I fixed it.”

Noir gave a dark chuckle. “Vindication is a wonderous thing.”

The three current princesses looked at me and Celestia asked the question that they obviously wanted answered. “Max, how do you fix a phobia?”

“You break the person, place, or thing that caused it. In my case, I broke Chief Graham before I came back to Equus.”

Luna’s interest was piqued. “What do you mean when you say ‘you broke him’?”

I gave her a toothy grin. “I mean I sentenced him to pain beyond imagination for ten years and added conditions that would increase it by ten and twenty-fold with only a second’s relief.” I explained everything I ordered into his soul, and by the time I was done, even Luna looked a little worried. I’d repeat it, but as I went to start writing it down, my cheeks started hurting from the smile. They still hurt, but it’s a good pain.

Cadance would have been ill if she could be in the dreamscape and Celestia just looked horrified by what I’d done. Luna spoke this time around. “...That is easily the most evil thing I’ve ever heard of one person doing to another. It was well deserved, but I assure you that you no longer have any room to call anyone at this table evil in the future.”

I shrugged, still smiling. “What’s done is done. I can’t take it back and I’ll be damned if I ever do.”

Celestia put her head in her hands for a moment, covered her mouth for another, and then ran a hand through her hair. “Max, would you ever do that to someone else?”

“If they raped or killed Twilight or yourself, yes. Yes I would.”

Luna furrowed her brow. “I understand why you would do it for Twilight-”

I interrupted. “Actually, I’d make it worse if someone did either of those things to Twilight, but continue.”

She nodded slowly. “As I was saying. Why would you do it for Celestia?”

“Because out of the three women I’ve truly loved in my life,” I glanced at Noir, “romantically as in possible marriage candidates, Celestia ranks as number two.”

“He loves me, but the love we share transcends Equual identifiers. I am not a marriage candidate, nor will I ever be.” Noir clarified.

Celestia’s face tinged a rosy red and she looked me in the eye. “If that’s true, then how do you even look at me?”

Cadance sensed some unspoken tension. “I’m missing something.”

I gestured toward Celestia. “If you want to tell her, it’s up to you. I’m assuming you hid this from her for a reason.”

My former lover sighed. “I… While Max and I were together, I erased pieces of his memory.”

Cadance gasped. “Auntie! I-I…”

Celestia looked at her sadly. “I know. I was wrong to do so, but I loved Max, and I still do. I just wanted him to be happy, and if he knew that he’d been killed by one of his friends, raped at the hands of another, and nearly shunned by the inhabitants of Ponyville-”

“Wait, I never knew about that last one.” I said.

Celestia shook her head. “It was early in your time in Equestria. Before you internalized the Dark Magic, when it was still leaking from you, Ponies despised you. I wiped the town clean a few times when you started arguments in public after people told you to leave.”

“Celestia… That’s evil.” Cadance said softly.

I rolled my eyes. “Babe, you’re sitting at a table with four of the most evil beings this planet has ever seen. The only person without blood on their hands here is you.”

The Princess of Love dropped her gaze. “...Maybe we shouldn’t win this war.”

Luna, Noir, and I scoffed, but Luna spoke for us. “My niece, would you be willing to give up the lives of the millions of innocent Ponies in Equestria because its leaders are terrible? We may not be clean, and we may have committed terrible sins, but we are on the side of the just. We are the good, even though we have done evil. Such is the way of the true leader.”

Cadance set her jaw and glared at Luna. “I haven’t done anything of the sort!”

“You will.” I said simply. “How long are you going to live?”

Luna answered for her. “She will live longer than you, most likely. Plenty of time to be corrupted by the evils of this world.”

Noir nodded. “It is tough to hear, but you will be evil after Shining dies. Even love cannot protect the heart from such loss.”

Cadance paled. “I don’t want to think about that.”

I shook my head. “If I get strong enough, I’ll do my best to help keep him alive, but barring putting Noir inside of him, I don’t know what I can do.”

Luna shook her head. “Celestia and I have already put much thought into this, but there is no need to speak of it further.”

Our group fell silent, so I asked, “Does anyone have any idea about what my True Magic is going to be? We’ve heard something from the Heavens and something from the shadows, but neither of those sound quite like me.”

Luna pursed her lips. “You spent time in the Everfree and survived, yes?” I nodded. “And you laid the Matron, did you not?” I did so again. “Then you may become the Patron of the Forest. It’s obvious that you have a link to nature.”

“Creative, but I come from a place that has more in common with Manehattan than the forest.” I explained.

“What about Charming Magic? You seem to be able to charm just about any woman you come across.” Cadance said, perking up a bit.

I raised my brows and bobbed my head from side to side. “That’s actually pretty likely. I don’t know how useful it’d be, but it seems likely.”

Noir huffed. “My suggestion that you will be able to use the power of the Heavens is just as likely.”

I tilted my head in her direction. “True, but other than you, everyone else’s True Magic seems to be linked to their Cutie Mark, or rather, the thing they’re most proficient at or better than others with. I’m a damn good charmer if I can get Elfriede’s frigid arse on my dick.”

Celestia hummed. “Speaking of Queen Elfriede, she asked about you at the Equus Olympics. I had to tell her that you were gone. You could always go visit her after your training at the Castle.”

I tapped my cheek. “I’ll have to do that. And I suppose I could get a visit with the Matron out of the way if Twilight wants to go.”

Cadance sighed. “I hope you don’t get trained by Night Light. He’s going to make your life now seem like a distant, happy memory if he’s the one who gets to train you.”

Noir scoffed. “He is too soft to cow our Maximus, even if his fury matches Shining Armours.”

Cadance sighed and Celestia looked to Luna. “Perhaps you should train Max personally? You don’t have a personal grudge against him.”

Luna raised a brow. “I will train him for a fortnight. Night Light can have the other.”

I nodded. “I can take whatever Night Light has to throw at me.”

Cadance shook her head. “You don’t understand; Night Light’s going to make your life Tartarus for making Twilight miss you.”

“Max can deal with it. I am a far harsher mentor than any other.” Noir proclaimed proudly.

I rubbed the back of my head where she’d hit me many times before. “You’re telling me.”

Celestia steepled her fingers. “Then it’s decided. Not counting this one, there are three days until your coronation. You’ll have one day of rest, and after that, you’ll come to Canterlot Castle to be trained by Night Light and Shoulder Boulder-” I cracked up again and Celestia sighed. “You’re going to suffer. I already know it.”

Luna smiled. “Your first fortnight will be a dream compared to the personal regimen I will hold you to.”

I nodded to her. “It’ll be heaven compared to this Amazon,” I jerked a thumb toward Noir, “beating me until I bleed.”

Luna stopped smiling and glanced at Noir. “Surely he’s using hyperbole.”

Noir raised a brow at her. “I was trained with real swords from the first day. Hitting him with a wooden one was a kindness I was not afforded.”

The three living princesses looked at her and then back to me. Celestia said, “Okay, perhaps things will not be as tough for you as we thought.”

I nodded toward her. “I’ve been broken and put back together more times than ninety-nine point nine percent of soldiers. I’m good for it.”

Noir sighed. “If only more of the training I put you through would carry over into reality. You would be a good test for Luna. You would have no chance of winning, but you would be a proper test.”

“Eh.” I shrugged. “With my daggers or with my shortsword?”

“Both. Be sure to train with your shortsword more than your daggers, however. Your strength with the sword will carry over to your daggers more so than it would the other way around.” Noir suggested.

“Will do, blackberry.” I replied.

Luna and Noir dismissed the rest of us so they could go over what exactly I needed to be trained on. After what felt like a few moments, I woke up on my couch with blanket on me and one hell of a headache, so I sat up and did some meditation to clear the worst of it before going to grab some water. I was thirstier than a whale in the desert, so I ended up chugging like, five glasses before I almost made myself throw up. With that out of the way, I listened closely for the sound of Blue’s heartbeat and figured out that she was in one of my lower guest rooms, snoozing away. My pocket watch told me that it was only five thirty-four, but I was fucking starving, so I set out on making the biggest plate of eggs I’d ever seen. It took a full dozen and a cup of milk, but I had two omelettes the size of someone’s face and they were delicious.

I didn’t have anything else I wanted to do, so I smoked myself a small bowl and started preparing for my day after a few sips of coffee. The usual showering and shampooing passed, though the water was a little warmer than usual, despite me turning the dial to the point where it should have been nipple hardeningly, penis shrinkingly cold. I shrugged that off and made sure the Ol’ Chap was still working, just in case I was dead or something and it totally did, so I went back downstairs and filled my journal out to this point or somewhere around here. I’m not going to just stop here, so fuck you. I want to cover how I feel about The War, and then I’ll end this entry.

So The War. I’m not looking forward to it, nor am I looking forward to training for it. I’m sure that Noir will give Luna plenty of Hellish ways to make me suffer, but I do feel prepared for them. At least, I feel like I can handle it if Twilight comes around to give me some affection every once in awhile. I don’t need her to do it daily or even weekly, but I need to know that I still have her love. I guess you could call it a form of dependency, but I think that’s how love is supposed to work or some shit. I’ll ask Cadance once I get a chance. Otherwise, I just… I don’t want to think of pissing Twilight off to the point where she actually does leave me, or going to war and having her be captured or killed. That’s a terrifying thought, and I know for a fact that I’ll kill anyone or anything in my way of finding her, and I doubt that she’ll be happy to see me show up, covered in the blood of those I’ve slain. I’m worried about this war. About the training. About Twilight. None of my worries are going to get me very far, but at least I’m having them instead of charging headfirst into this like a blind madman, waving a sword about, hoping to hit whatever I can.

Fuck. Just thinking about this makes me want to drink, but I don’t want to disappoint my lover, my mentor, or my Mum more than I already have. I guess I can write some more of A Star-Crossed Love to fill the time before Blue wakes up.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So I ended up making breakfast for Blue as a way to thank her for not letting me poison myself with alcohol and she thanked me before giving me an unnecessary rundown of the night’s events. I told her that I remembered a lot of what happened and told her that I was probably going to go see Cadance before I saw Twilight. Blue wished me the best of luck and went off to go home and go back to sleep since it had been late when she came over. It was the weekend anyway, so I’m sure that she wanted to catch a few extra hours of shut eye.

Since Blue was gone, I wrote out a note to Cadance asking her if she would mind teleporting me to Canterlot, but she responded that she couldn’t because she’d never actually teleported me by herself before, meaning that she didn’t have my magical signature. I Shadow Dived and rose in front of someone for once, though I had to back off to greet her. As I said hello, I felt a hostile presence directly behind me, so I filled my voice with magic and told Shining that he was free from my commands while looking him in the eye. I was tempted to let him connect with the punch he threw, but Cadance caught it anyway and chastised him for doing something his sister and his wife had already asked him not to.

Shining promised that he’d serve me my comeuppance one of these days and I told him that, while I wasn’t allowed to fight him, I could drop him off anywhere from the Everfree to Gryphonia and command him to stay there. I also pointed out that I could just tell him to forget about the whole incident and he nearly lunged at me again, swearing that I would be arrested for treason and I told him that all I was waiting for was my crown. We were equals in politics.

Cadance sighed and asked me to stop antagonizing him, so I gave her the flattest look I could conjure up and asked her if I was really the aggressor in this situation. She acquiesced, of course, and teleported Shining away so we could have a word by ourselves. The taffy toned princess told me that I could call on her whenever I needed something and I offered her the same courtesy, but I already knew she had something in mind. After I knowingly walked into her ‘trap’, she asked me to go check up on Twilight. I’d been expecting it and told her as much, stating that I’d been planning to do so immediately after fixing Shining. She must have sensed the veracity in my words because she gave me a kiss and told me to give it to Twilight for her, though I was almost tempted to ask her for one for myself. I wasn’t greedy or horny: I just happened to be in a strawberry kind of mood.

My sister-in-law-in-law or whatever the fuck she is to me offered to send me off to Twilight’s and I asked her if she would mind too terribly, but before she teleported me away, she asked if I’d pulled that prank on Luna. I gave her a look and asked if she really needed me to answer that question, though I did request that she keep the information just between us. She considered it a favour and I reminded her that I’d done her one by not beating Shining’s arse when we fought. She had to ask about that and I told her that I could’ve ended the fight easily by brutalizing him with my bare hands and striking him in all the right places with my elbows and knees, which made her ask why I hadn't just done that. I explained that I didn’t really want to hurt the guy, just work out some frustrations while holding back the actual anger I was feeling. Cadance gave me a hug and thanked me for being less of a Neanderthal than I could have been. She didn’t use those exact words, but fuck you for reading this anyway. That includes you, Twilight. I’m sure I’ve told you not to read these pages anyways, so I’m going to fuck you in the arse if I catch you.

Before she could finally get to teleporting me, I asked Cadance why she’d sent me off with a kiss for Twilight but had only given me a hug. She rolled her eyes and the next thing I knew, I was in the Treebrary. I walked into the kitchen where I heard four sets of heartbeats and greeted Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Spike. Twilight just waved weakly, holding her head and a tall glass of water. Everyone else had already finished their meals and Twilight was still pecking at hers, so I asked if I could have a word alone with her and Spike asked me if I was planning on beating him up too. I threatened to tell Twilight all about what I’d caught him doing the day before and he shut his fucking trap along with Apple Bloom, though Sweetie Belle asked what had happened. I didn’t tell her since I figured I’d just landed Spike in some hot water anyway.

Sweetie Belle and Twilight tried to grill him about what I’d said, but I told the young ones to get lost so I could talk to Twilight alone, and when my lover objected, I told her that I’d lifted my magic from Shining. She got a lot more interested in talking to me after that and straight up teleported the girls and Spike somewhere that I didn’t care about. Once they were gone, I sat down and we started talking.

“Alright. First things first, I’m sorry I didn’t just knock Shining out and end things sooner-” I started.

Twilight made a noise of disbelief. “Max, you might be good, but Shining was the Captain of the Guard for a reason.”

I gave her a flat look. “I’ve been trained by a six thousand year war mongerer who’s killed more people by herself than just about any other living thing. Noir’s wiped out entire battalions by herself alone, Twilight. If I wanted Shining on the floor, he would’ve been there and I would’ve had to drag him up the stairs. He was only conscious when you got there because I went easy on him.”

She pursed her lips. “...Is that true?”

“Have I lied to you since I made my promise?”

“...Thank you for not knocking my brother out, but I’m still upset that you fought him in the first place.”

“And I would like to apologize for that. I shouldn’t have vented my frustrations out on him.”

Twilight nodded curtly. “Have you apologized to him yet?”

“I saw him before I came here and he threw a punch at me after I removed my magic. Cadance had to teleport him away.” I said.

“So you didn’t apologize.” It wasn’t a question.

I shrugged. “I’m not going to. He started it. I explained what happened, and he still chose to fight me. I’m not saying I’m not at fault, but I’m not saying I’m sorry for something I didn’t start.”

Twilight folded her arms and glared at me. “Why is it that everypony else is always at fault when it comes to you?”

“Because people start shit with me. Again, not my fault. I didn’t start shit with Applejack, Rainbow, Pinkie, Rarity, or Fluttershy, yet they all acted like I did in turn. I find it hard to believe that you’re solely blaming me for this. What’s really bothering you, Twilight?”

She took a deep breath and let it out. “I don’t see why ponies tend to be so hostile towards you. I explained what happened to my brother and Cadance, and Cadance was understanding, but…”

“Shining took it extremely personally.” I stated.

“And I don't see why! I wasn’t even upset for more than a week out of every month! I got over it the second I felt you come back, and I just don’t see why everypony else is having such a hard time accepting that you’re not at fault here!”

“Is that why you stole my absinthe? To drown your sorrows for a little while?”

Twilight looked down, shamefaced. “I didn’t mean to steal it.”

“Did you at least have fun with it?” I asked.

“Well…” She blushed.

I gave her a little smile. “Come on! You’ve got to tell me about it.”

She looked off to the side. “If you saw Cadance earlier, did she have a message for me?”

I stood and came over to her side of the table. Once I was next to her, I gently held her chin and gave her the kiss Cadance asked me to pass along. “Other than that, no.”

Twilight scrunched her face up and turned away from me, blushing. “Did she really tell you to give me a kiss?”

“She did. I’d give you one from me, but I don’t think you want it right now.” I took the seat next to her.

She looked at me from the corner of her eye. “...Who said I didn’t? Just because I’m not happy with you doesn’t mean I want to punish myself.”

I gave her a little smile and she turned her head so I could give her another kiss, though I made sure to make this one longer since it was from my heart. Twilight was the first to pull away since I’d let myself get lost in her soft, soft lips. She gave me a reassuring smile and reached for my hand, so I met her halfway.

“Am I forgiven?” I asked.

She gave me a peck. “Of course, amour. Just don’t fight Spike. He’s younger than you.”

I let go of her hand and scratched my cheek. “I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but I dropped him from the ceiling for being a prick the other day.”

Twilight gave me a disapproving look. “You didn’t.”

I winced. “Yeah, but at least I told him to wash his hands before cooking.”

She made a face. “He doesn’t do that already?”

“He didn’t.”

She shook her head. “Why would you have to tell him that anyway?”

“Let’s just say I caught him with sticky claws and leave it at that, yeah?”

Twilight furrowed her brow and I saw it click. “That’s… That’s absolutely disgusting!”

It was hard not to chuckle as she was gagging, but then again, I kinda wanted to gag too. “That’s why Pinkie started eating here so often, if the information Spike gave me is anything to go by.”

Twilight teleported away and I looked at the remains of her breakfast, hoping that they weren’t tainted with his children. I don’t know if dragons have sperm per se, but if they did, I’m sure Twilight could practically feel them on her tongue. I gave it some real thought and realized that I wanted to punch Spike for feeding his sister semen like a fucking creep from some weeaboo trash doujin. I couldn’t punch him because Twilight asked me not to, but still. When she came back, she was blowing on her knuckles and looked a little pale.

“You alright, cherry?” I asked.

“Spike’s scales hurt.”

I took her hands gently and kissed each knuckle lightly. “I could’ve told you that. It’s why I don’t plan on fist fighting him anytime soon.”

“At least he’s been punished properly.” Twilight said with a sharp nod. “I’ll be checking his hands before he cooks anything else for the next year.”

“Did you embarrass him in front of his girlfriends?” I asked.

She nodded again. “I sure did.”

“That was actually pretty mean then.”

“He should’ve washed his claws! I don’t want his ick in my mouth!”

“Speaking of getting ick in your mouth, how was the absinthe?”

My lover gave me an odd look. “You went a different direction with that.”

I shrugged. “I’m still curious.”

“It went pretty well, though it gave me mood swings. Cadance came by to check on me and came back later to ask where your mom was, and both times I saw her change into Celestia. Spike was already in bed, so I didn’t see him turn into anything.”

“Eh, we can try it again when we’re both in better moods. Speaking of, three days after today, I’m going to be coronated. A day after that, I’m going to Canterlot Castle for a month to be trained as a soldier.” I informed.

Twilight stared at me. “You’re going to be coronated next week?”

“Yup.”

“And you. You of all ponies, are going to be trained as a soldier.” That really wasn’t a question.

“Yup. I’ve been trained in the mental and technical aspects by Noir, but I need the workout regimen and the team exercises, I think.”

“...Max, my Dad trains the guards.”

“Cadance already told me that he’s bearing a massive grudge against me. Trust me when I say that he can’t put me through anything worse than what Noir already has.”

“...If you say so.” Twilight said uneasily.

“Come on, cherry. Pops isn’t a complete bastard. I doubt he’d use his station to punish me.” I said with a smile I wasn’t feeling.

“That smile’s fake and you’re worried.”

“Both true, but I know I can take whatever he throws at me. I’m just hoping he doesn’t make the rest of the recruits hate me.”

“I’ve heard of him doing that once or twice to make somepony quit The Guard…”

“Hopefully he won’t do it to his son-in-law.”

“...Don’t antagonize him if he comes after you. Please?”

I looked at her like she was crazy. “You want me to lie down and be a fucking doormat?”

Twilight filled her lungs, and after a long moment, she said, “Yes. I do.”

“Don’t ask me to betray who I am.”

“I’m asking you to avoid starting something with my Dad, and if he starts something, I don’t want you to retaliate. Make him look like the bad guy. Be the hard-working, honest ‘man’ that you want me to see.” Twilight requested.

I shook my head and reached into my pocket and fingered the little package I’d kept with me since I bought it. “You’re asking a lot of me, Twilight Sparkle.”

“I know, but-”

“No. If you’re going to ask something that big of me, I want something in return.” I looked into those beautiful violet eyes.

Twilight nodded. “Anything.”

I rose from the seat and scooted it away from me so I could kneel before my favourite person between two entire worlds, the one I love most out of eight billion odd others. With my gift in hand, I opened it and presented it to her before speaking the words I’d been waiting for months to say, though she’d been waiting far longer than I had. I’d kept her waiting for long enough.

“Twilight Sparkle, my love and my world. My heart and my soul. Will you marry me?”

Her jaw dropped and her eyes glistened before tears fell. Her hands went to her mouth and she let loose a single sob before she tackled me onto the floor, nearly knocking her ring out of my hands. I was only in a bit of pain for a moment when she pressed her lips against mine, making me stop giving a single fuck about anything other than returning her kiss. It wasn’t a lustful, fervent snogging, or a playful contest of wills, but a moment that I knew we would never forget. one of many to come in the thousands of years we would live together as one. My heart had known for so long that she was the only one, even if my mind had been slow to catch up, and I felt as if the universe itself had put me through heart wrenching trials with Maggie and Celestia just to give me this one sweet moment. For once in my life, I felt as though I deserved something, like I deserved the innocent feeling Twilight gave me, or the love that she coated my heart with every time I saw her, every time we kissed. That moment persisted even after Twilight pulled away from our kiss and allowed me to sit up so she could wrap me in her arms. I felt tears of my own fall and they were sweet in their own way when they reached my lips, but the sweetest moment of all yet to come.

“Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Just… Yes, Max! A thousand times yes!” Twilight cried, shaking in my grasp.

Her words were… They were like God’s voice in my ears all over again. Hard to describe, yet so very fulfilling in every way. I couldn’t get a grip on myself and ended up laughing while I squeezed Twilight as though I could make her get any closer than she already was.

We let each other go simultaneously and we were both smiling through our tears. “It’s about time I asked, yeah?” I said thickly.

Twilight let loose a half-sob, half-chuckle. “Better late than never, right?”

We just looked into each other’s eyes for a few more moments, but I wanted another kiss. But I didn’t want to tear my eyes away from hers. But I wanted another kiss. “I don’t know what to do.” I confessed.

“Neither do I.” Twilight’s watery smile kept on quivering and I was sure that mine was doing the same.

“I’d say we could flip a coin on another hug or a kiss, but…” I trailed off.

“I just want to look at you right now. You’re my fiance.” Twilight said softly.

“You’re my wife-to-be.” I reached up and stroked her cheeks. “Cherry, no matter what, I will never turn against you. Even if the worst comes to worst, you’ll always come first.”

My finace sniffled and kissed me gently, expressing with actions what words couldn’t quite elaborate upon. The second kiss was every bit as sweet as the first, and so was the third. And the fourth. So on and so forth. I don’t know how long we sat on the floor with Twilight straddling me, but the moment seemed to stretch on and shrink at the same time, like we’d never have to leave it, but that it was going to be over far too soon. Someone above, possibly my father, gave us enough time to exchange our feelings, and when Cadance, Celestia, and Luna teleported in, they found us in the same position we’d been in for who knows how long.

“...Are we interrupting something?” Luna asked briskly.

I barely spared her a glance and saw Twilight look back to me, our eyes barely shifting and our heads not turning at all. Twilight spoke before I could and said, “Yes, you are.”

“We could always come back.” Celestia said.

I tilted my head. “What do you think, cherry?”

She didn’t look away from me. “How long are you willing to give us?”

“...How long do you want?” Celestia asked.

“Forever.” Twilight and I replied in unison.

Cadance made a ‘squee’. “Ohmygosh! Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh!”

“What?” Luna asked tersely.

“He did it!” Cadance answered. I could hear her bouncing up and down.

“Did what?” The Lunar Diarch inquired, a little more annoyed than the last time.

“Shh! Let’s just go!” Cadance whispered. I heard them teleport out and gave Twilight my undivided attention.

Twilight and I sighed. “...The moment’s kind of over, but I’ll never forget it.” I told her honestly.

“If either of us do, the other has to cast a memory spell.” She replied.

“I’ll make someone do it if I ca-” My heart skipped a beat and my eyes went wide.

My chest suddenly felt like it had blossomed, but not in pain or pleasure. It just felt like I was opened up from the inside, but when Twilight put her hands on my shoulders, I felt like I could feel something trickle into them, like I was giving her something through the contact. It was a disconcerting feeling, but not unpleasant. Strange, yet not unwelcome. Something told me that my True Magic had just awoken, but at the same time, it was dormant.

“Max?” Twilight asked, worried.

“I’m fine.” I answered normally. “My True-”

I only got so far before I was pulled away from Twilight, outside of the Treebrary, and outside of Equus itself. I was in a familiar beige room with familiar grey chairs, but with a wave of God’s hand, they turned into something that looked a little more comfortable. I was a little disoriented from the sudden ascension, but I was feeling perfectly fine otherwise. I could still move all of my limbs normally, so when God gestured for me to sit in front of Him, I was able to do so easily, but when I sat down, He changed forms into Helen Mirren, but younger and more tan.

“What do you have against white people?” I asked out of the blue.

“Nothing. I just like Earth tones. Why do you think the majority of the crust is made up of it? I could’ve made Earth any color I wanted.” She responded pleasantly.

I shrugged. “Fair enough I guess. So what’s up, Capital Bastard?”

God chuckled. “I’m enjoying watching you thrive and suffer, but not much else that you’d comprehend or be interested in. I should’ve known your little soul-leech would unwrap my gift sooner than expected.”

“Yeah, Noir’s pretty fucking awesome, isn’t she?”

“Not as ‘awesome’ as Twilight Sparkle.” God grinned kindly.

I nodded. “I like her more than I like breathing.”

“Cute. So are you curious as to why I warped time during your trip back to Earth?” She asked.

“Yeah, actually. Why’d you do that?”

God frowned. “Because you didn’t go when I told you to, fool.”

I rolled my eyes. “I sussed that out for myself.”

“I just wanted to tell you that I was annoyed by that. You were supposed to see Maxwell when he first moved back.”

“Why not just warp time so that happened anyway?”

“Because you decided to be cowardly. I told you that you had work to do on Equus. You wouldn’t have been gone but a few hours.”

“And the trials I’m facing now are because I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to come back? Mate, that’s some petty shit.”

She lifted a hand. “Talk to the hand and prepare to be Godsmacked.” She waved Her hand and it felt like a fucking lorry came just to knock me teeth out.

I was knocked off of the chair and the pain didn’t last that long, but that shit still hurt. Once I sat back down, I flipped God the two-finger salute. “That was wholly unnecessary.”

God’s frown deepened. “You keep messing up my plans!”

“You keep being a prick!”

“I’m allowed to be a prick! I’m a prick all the time!”

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever, G. I have a question.”

God went back to smiling. “Go ahead.”

“Did I get years added to my sentence in Hell or have them taken away for what I did on Earth?”

“Shit bruh, I dunno.” God said with a straight face.

“Don’t use ghetto slang with tan Helen Mirren’s face. It’s weird.”

“Don’t order your God around like I’m your buddy.” She gave me a disapproving look.

“We’re not friends? “ I asked neutrally.

“I give you things and make you use them to pass tests. I’m more like your teacher than your friend.”

I raised my hand. “Mrs. God? Can I use the loo?”

“No you may not.” She said.

“I’ll pee on your carpet.”

“I’ll spray you with the largest water bottle you’ve ever seen.”

“Point Capital G. So am I going to Hell for longer because I made people be good or not?”

She shrugged. “Probably not. I gave humans free will to see what they’d do. It’s not like I enjoy seeing people rape and murder each other, so I guess I’d consider it a generally good thing. I’ll take some years off when it comes down to it.”

“Thanks mate. So is there anything else you want to address?” I asked.

“Be good to Twilight. She’s the best you’re going to get.”

I nodded. “I’ll give her whatever I can and then some.”

God nodded back. We waited around for a moment and She started tapping Her fingers on the table. “...You’re really not curious about your True Magic?”

“Weeell. Now that you mention it.” I totally didn’t forget.

She rolled her eyes. “I can hear your thoughts. You totally forgot. Your True Magic is ‘True Theft’.”

I squinted and tilted my head. “Alright, I’m going to need you to explain that to me.”

“I would, but you wasted a lot of time not asking about it.” She inspected Her nails.

“Alright, will you please explain it? Pretty please with sugar on top?”

“I hate sugar.”

“Coffee on the side?”

“There we go. True Theft is the ability to steal anything. You’ll be able to reach between dimensions to steal whatever you please. If there’s a steel wall in front of you and you know what you’re trying to take, you’ll be able to grasp it with your left hand and take it. If there’s something you want from another dimension and you know what it is, you can take that too.”

I tilted my head again. “Does that mean I can literally steal time?”

God nodded. “You’ll be able to use it with your right hand. It’ll be hard to figure out how to maneuver concepts rather than physical objects, but you’ll get the hang of it.”

Ideas started blossoming in my mind. “Does this mean I can steal knowledge?”

She gave me a droll look. “Any. Thing. The only things you can’t touch are Heaven, Hell, and the Shadow Realm.”

While God was talking, something bumped into the back of my mind. “...I hate to ask, but can I steal souls too?”

She set Her head on Her hand. “Really?”

“Just checking. If I can steal things, can I also put them back?”

God gave me a ‘What the fuck do you think?’ kinda look. “What do you think? You can reach between dimensions. The only thing you can’t do is look where you’re grabbing because clairvoyance is stupid.”

I tried to activate the power and gave it a good go too. It didn’t seem to work. “Lord and Creator? I think my magic hand is broken.”

God groaned. “Did you know how to use the other powers I gave you when you first got them?”

“Fair enough. Can I keep asking questions, or am I going to have to do some self-study?”

“Self-study. Come over here for a moment.”

I rose from my seat and walked around the table, and once I arrived at God’s side, She took my hands in Hers and it felt like She was fucking branding me or something. The words Reincarnation No Kaben popped into my mind as well as the contents of the manga and I felt like gross weeaboo trash for it. My left arm turned black and had a glowing grey swirly pattern on it while my right arm… Well, it stayed normal.

“I figured this was a good power for you.” She said, letting my hands go.

“Are you seriously... A fucking weeb?” I gasped.

“Keep insulting me and I’ll kill Twilight.”

“Have I ever mentioned how lovely your voice is? Or how stunningly creative you are?”

“That’s much better. I was going to add that I’d make you live until the heat death of Equus, but you get the point.”

“Thanks Capital G.”

“Please, aren’t we friends?” She mocked.

“...Do you really want to be?” I asked.

“I know you wouldn’t ask much of me, so I suppose we could be when this is all said and done. What’s one more lowercase ‘G’ to the massive pile I already have?”

“I’d totally make Equus my realm.” I nodded.

“Discord already has that covered.” God smirked.

“...Are you being literally super cereal right now?”

“The fellow is a God of Chaos. I have faith that you’ll be able to beat him now.” God sent me back to my seat and patted my arm comfortingly. By stretching Her hand across the table. Shit was weird.

“...Tools and all that… Yeah, I hear you I guess. So the next time I meet him, I pretty much have to steal his heart or something?”

“I’m not telling you what to do. Only that you have to do something. Oh, and Celestia still has to talk to you, so I’ll be sending you back now. Have fun being as full-blooded ‘Alicorn’.” God threw up some air quotes, but before she could wave me off, I raised both of my hands.

“Wait! Just to be clear, you’re not making me a Pony?”

She rolled Her eyes. “No, I’m not.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks a million. Until next time, Capital G, it’s actually been pretty pleasant except for the condescension.”

“It comes with being an old white woman.” She snarked.

And just like that, I descended, but not back onto Equus. Out of fucking nowhere, I was in a starry place with images passing by, but when I looked to see what they were, I saw that I was looking at two dimensional screens that looked at moments of my life from a third person perspective. It was a little trippy, but then again, I’d literally just passed through like, ten dimensions to go visit God again and that’s when I realized that I forgot to ask if I could repent, which fucking sucked balls. I guess I’d never be able to tell Beatrix if you could repent in the first place. I took the time to do so real quick because God didn't erase my memories this time, though Her voice rang through my head and told me that I couldn’t tell them about the gods from Earth being sent to Equus. I didn’t get it, but at least I could tell people where I’d been for real this time. I don’t know why Capital G changed Her mind, but it was going to be one Hell of a cool story to tell.

In any case, I wandered around the starry, swirly abyss for a little while until I felt rather than heard someone walk up behind me. Celestia gave me a little smile and a wave. “Hello, Maximus. I see you’ve ascended.”

“Sure have. Got my True Magic and everything.” I grinned.

“Cadance tells me that you proposed to Twilight.” She said neutrally.

“I did. It’s about time, honestly. I was just waiting for a good moment and I found one that worked for us.”

Celestia nodded. “It’s wonderful news, but I can't help but be a little disappointed that you’re officially off the market.”

I lifted a brow at her. “Seventy-five years will pass before you know it. Well, seventy-three I guess. I’m not going to hold different perceptions of time against you.”

She smiled. “I’ve been meaning to ask, but I didn’t want to seem desperate.”

“Bitch please. Errybody know you want this dick up in ya.” I smirked.

She gave me an odd look. “I can leave you here. You know that, right?”

“So how do you get your mane to do that billowing in the breeze thing? Cadance’s doesn’t do that.”

She raised a brow. “That’s what I thought. When you get to be thousands of years old, I’ll tell you.”

I pouted. “I’m only going to live to be like, two thousand though.”

Her brow raised again. “Uh, probably not, honey. Think again.”

I narrowed my eyes and looked at her. “I better not actually be immortal.”

“If you’re here, you’ll live as long as an Alicorn.”

I groaned. “Fuck. Well, I guess that just means more time with Twilight. And you, but I’ more concerned about the time with Twilight at the moment. I’m sure you understand.”

“Every time you say something like that, you twist the dagger a little bit more.” Celestia said calmly.

I scratched my nose. “Sorry. I didn’t think about how you’d feel when I say things like that.”

“...Are you going to stop?”

I gave her a look. “Be happy I mentioned you. I didn’t say shit about Luna or Cadance and I like them too. Hell, I didn’t even mention Noir and she’s my second favorite person in a Stockholm Syndrome kinda way.”

“Where do I rank on your list of favourite people?” Celestia asked quietly.

“You’re still below Cadance, but you’re above Luna. I don’t actually keep a list, mind you. Just the top three.”

“Cadance isn’t the third, is she?”

“No, it’s my Mum. I guess she’d be followed by Nashoba, but they’re kinda tied. It’s weird like that, my list.”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “At least I rank above someone who still intends on killing you if you get too powerful.”

“Huh. I thought she… Well, you know… Let it be, I guess.”

“No, she’s going to check you when you get back to see what your True Magic is, just in case it’s evil or corrupting.”

“Fuck.”

Celestia raised both brows. “Am I going to have to protect you?”

“Shit, I dunno. Maybe? Is stealing things inherently evil?” I asked.

Celestia groaned. “Twilight was right!”

“Of course she was, though I’m a little surprised that Noir was so wrong. Still, with my ‘True Theft’, once I learn how to use it, we’ll be able to take on Discord.” I smirked.

Her face went flat for a moment. “Are you saying that we actually have a chance?”

My smirk turned into a full blown mile-wide smile until I made my face fall flaccid. “Of fucking course not. What am I supposed to do, take his coin purse?”

Celestia’s eyes went glassy and she started stalking towards me, so I held my hands out and started backing up. “I’m kidding! We do stand a chance! I was just making a once in a lifetime joke! Humor! Haha! Don’t kill me, I won’t die!”

She slapped me around for a little bit to blow off some steam, leaving plenty of bruises. “You are an evil man!”

She kept raining slaps down upon me like she was God and her hands were tools of Smitey goodness. She smited all over my face, arms and back like I was her little smite slut, covering me in her smite until I could feel it on practically every inch on my body. It took a few minutes, but eventually she ran out of her hot sticky smite and let me rest.

“Okay, fucking ow.” I said when I was clear.

She healed me and huffed. “Don’t toy with me Maximus.”

“You toyed with me! I didn’t even do anything other than lie for like, ten seconds!”

“It was enough to crush my hopes! Do you know how hard it is for a four thousand year-old being to have hope, Max!?”

“Fine, I get it! Just don’t hit me again, Mummy! I promise I’ll be good!”

“That’s bucked up! I would never abuse a child if I was lucky enough to have one!” She didn’t hit me again, however.

“I’m a child compared to you, you ancient twat! You hit too hard!”

Celestia groaned. “I’m making this a prince? Seriously? Where did I go wrong? Should I have just vaporized you when Twilight told me that you did unsavory things to her?”

I stopped shielding myself and looked at her. “I don’t know, but can we go home now? I’d like to see my fiance and go not be abused for like, five minutes.”

She cut me a glare and snapped her fingers. Within the blink of an eye, I was outside of Twilight’s house, so I walked back inside to find that she, Spike, Luna, and Cadance were all inside the living room. I think about six hours had passed while I was away. Twilight looked like she was just starting to relax after a panic attack or something, so I rushed over and politely shoved people out of the way so I could kneel in front of her for the second time that day. My fiance wasted no time in hugging me, telling me that I’d just up and disappeared after saying something about the truth and I told her that I’d gotten my True Magic and that I’d ascended into being some weird Human/Alicorn. The good news was that I would now live as long as she would, and the better news was that God pretty much wished us happiness in the coming years.

Twilight knew who God was since I’d explained Him/Her to her years ago, but I had to break it down for everyone else. I was just beginning to do that when Celestia came inside and joined the conversation, so now I had a full audience and I could begin in earnest. I told them that God was the Creator of planets and dimensions and that He/She’d implanted my True Magic into me when I’d died in Fluttershy’s cabin. After giving them a rundown of what He/She was and the scope and magnitude of Their power (I’m switching to gender neutral pronouns because I’m confused at this point), explaining that they were the one who’d given me my first set of powers. Twilight told me that I’d lied to everyone and I told her that I’d been forbidden to speak on them until I returned to Earth for reasons unbeknownst to me.

Once I’d explained all of that, Celestia asked that the Royals go to Canterlot, though Twilight just wanted the day to be over so we could snuggle. I held her close and asked if she was wearing her ring, and she totally was, so I told her that we could snuggle in Canterlot too. She asked what her ring had to do with anything and I told her that I would’ve told her ‘No snuggles’ if she hadn't been wearing it. She asked about cuddles, so I gave it some thought, eventually coming up with a yes. There were a mix of groans from Spike and Luna while Cadance and Celestia ‘awwed’. It was cute.

The Royals went to Canterlot and we discussed getting a room specifically for meeting between more than two or three of us and I suggested that we just use the Dining Hall since it had plenty of seats and was a private enough place. Literally everyone except me was against the idea since there were a fuckton of unused rooms in the castle, but I pointed a finger at Celestia for designing it to be so grandiose and wasteful. I was dutifully ignored.

Once we settled on some random sitting room that all the ladies agreed on, we started talking about my coronation. I was busy messing with Twilight when Celestia tried getting my attention “Max! Stop playing hoofsies with Twilight and pay attention.”

I snapped to attention but kept going. “I’m sorry, wasn’t listening. What are we talking about?”

Cadance huffed. “Celestia wants you to be the first Prince of Equestria with any real power, but I say that it should be Shining.”

“That would make sense, but I’m leaning towards Celestia’s judgement on this.” I answered.

“Of course you would! It’s to your benefit!” Cadance argued.

“No, I’m agreeing because the ancient being with more experience ruling under her belt than literally everything other than like, three creatures that I know of who’ve been around since before time was time said that I should be the guy. Truthfully? I don’t get why she wants it to be me, but if Celestia says it should be, then I trust her judgement. The only reason you’re arguing is because I’m not your husband, as much as you once wished I was.”

“I never wished you were my husband, I just wished he was more like you in a few aspects.” Cadance huffed.

“His dick is like, ‘comfortable’, isn’t it? Takes forever to get it back up?” I jibed.

Twilight hit me. “Max!”

Cadance flushed bright red. “Have you been spying on us!?”

I tried to keep a straight face. I failed. I let out a few strangled snickers and Twilight hit me again. “Don’t keep taking potshots at my brother’s intimate life!”

I burst out laughing. “He’s got a ‘little man’ complex!”

“Shining is nearly as tall as you.” Luna said, confused.

Celestia snickered. “That’s not what he’s talking about, sister.”

I died and fell on the floor. It took me a minute to calm down, but once I did, I got up and went to sit next to Twilight only to find that she’d formed a force field around my former seat while I was catching my breath. I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face and just sat on the floor next to her, working out a few more chuckles.

Luna weighed in. “Max’s outburst aside, I think Shining Armor would be better for public relations. Ponies trust Ponies more so than any other race.”

I leaned back and held my stomach. “So what’s the point of making me a prince then? If I’m not going to be ruling or making the tough calls like I need to be, why go through the trouble?”

Celestia answered. “Because, whether or not you have a public face, you’ll still be influencing those decisions and the title allows you to act as a diplomat between races in even higher capacities. Your relations with the Gryphons are still fine, though we now have no one to face the Changelings. Chrysalis has burned her bridges with at least two of us for certain.”

“Oi, I know how to handle people like her just fine. The only reason she got to me in the first place was because of extremely unique extenuating circumstances. We should be on even ground now, however, so she can’t lord anything over me.” I said.

“You can come back up now, Max.” Twilight said softly.

I joined her once more as Celestia was saying, “If you’re confident that you can handle her without killing her or potentially starting another war, then you’ve got a leg up on Shining Armour.”

I’ve got one Hell of a back-up plan anyway. “I can deal with that sadistic cunt. Tell me what you want me to do and I’ll make it happen.”

“Can you keep things legitimate until things look like they’re about to fall apart?” Luna asked.

“I can make her forget that there was even any illegitimate business in the first place. I responded.

“That’s not how we want to handle our allies, Maximus.” Celestia said.

“Look, I would’ve let you kill or contain Chrysalis if I knew then what I know now. She’s a valuable spy, but she’s evil in a different way. She actually enjoys other people’s pain, gets a sick pleasure from it. I don’t know what made her that way, but unless you have her under binding magical oaths-”

“We do.” Luna interrupted.

“I stand corrected. Then why do we even need to parlay with her?” I asked.

“We gave her relative freedom on certain conditions. Chrysalis may be evil, but she plays by the rules.” Celestia said.

“Good to hear, I guess. What about Elfriede? Can we be sure that I’ll have her trust like I used to?” I inquired.

Celestia pursed her lips. “We can’t be certain, but you could always go visit her after your training like we suggested and come back with what you find.”

I looked at Twilight who I was still playing footsies with. “She might try to jump my bones. Are you okay with that?”

She pouted. “Didn't you tell me about it before we got engaged?”

I thought. “Yeah, I believe so. When I told you about the assassination I told you that Elfriede, who I totally widowed, wants my dick and I wanted to give a Gryphon a shot.”

She sighed. “If you really want to…”

“When you say it like that, I don’t want to. Not that I really wanted to in the first place: the beaks kinda freak me out a little. Honestly, the only reason I even considered it was because it was so incredibly fucked that she caught me murdering her husband in cold blood and still wanted me to give her the dope D.”

Cadance coughed to get my attention. “Max, how messed up in the head are you?”

“Oh, I’m pretty far gone at this point. I know what’s right and wrong, but unless I’m with Twilight, things like that matter less.”

Twilight sighed. “Believe it or not, he’s actually pretty decent most days. If you catch him alone he’s the sweetest and his teasing is only mild.”

Celestia nodded. “His pseudo-romanticism is rather endearing as well. He once climbed into my room through a window just to spend the hours before dawn with me.”

There was a loaded silence. “Auntie, isn’t the only window in your room, well, a lethal distance off of the ground?” Cadance asked.

“Yes, it is. That’s why I didn’t understand how he got in there in the first place.” The Solar Diarch shook her head.

“Max, I know you’re good at climbing, but how in the world did you manage that?” Twilight asked.

“Um… I’m pretty sure there was another window at the end of the hall. From there, I just climbed over to Celestia’s one and let myself in since she didn’t lock it.” I explained.

“It was a lot more romantic and a lot less crazy when you let yourself in through my balcony.” My fiance said.

“Before this turns into a competition, let’s all agree that Max is a fool at the best of times and move on with the conversation. Max can delegate with the Changelings and the Gryphons because he has experience with both of them. Shining Armour refuses to parlay with the Changelings and it’s unknown whether or not he can converse with the Gryphons as Max can. From a diplomatic relations standpoint, Max is the victor. From a public persona standpoint, Shining is the victor.” Luna announced.

“Honestly, having an extra-Pony race marry a Pony Princess would probably be great for making the citizens of Equestria less racist in general. Either way, my induction into the Royal Family is going to make waves, and not all of them are going to bode well for us.” I stated.

“How many times do I have to tell you that Ponies aren’t racist!” Twilight chided.

“Cherry, what do you say instead of ‘everyone’?” I asked.

“Everypony, but-”

“And instead of ‘anyone’?”

“I get where you’re going with this, and I still remember the first time you made that argument!”

“Does it make it any less true? You use exclusive words in a pretty exclusive society. When I went to Gryphonia, I spotted plenty of Ponies, but here, you rarely see anything other than Ponies.” I said gently.

Twilight huffed. “Ponies aren’t racist.”

Luna and myself sighed, but no one wanted to pick that one up. Cadance continued the previous topic with, “So what are we basing our decision on? Public relations or diplomatic prowess? Because I’m rather sure Shining can keep a cooler head than Max about most things.”

“Unless it’s something that challenges his ideals or way of life. The guy’s outright hostile to change.” I stated, making a deduction from his character as I’d seen it so far.

Cadance stopped talking, so Celestia picked up. “Max is a better diplomat statistically and already has quite the following in the nobility of Canterlot after he defeated Blueblood,” She paused, “twice. Shining trod on a lot of hooves while he was Captain of the Guard. The support from the nobles will mean a lot in the coming days.”

Cadance sighed. “Then I suppose it only makes sense for it to be Max.”

“If it’s any consolation, I don’t want it in the first place.” I said honestly.

“Why ask for it then?” The Taffy toned princess inquired.

“Because I think I’m one of the few that can handle it. I’m sure Shining could, but you can already give him as much power as you feel he needs in the Crystal Empire, yeah? You could do a fifty-fifty split in your own lands, but here, he’s too much of a boy scout to make morally unsound calls. Basically, Shining Armour is a better person than I am and that’s why he’s not really suited to the task.”

Twilight hit me gently. “What have I told you about calling yourself a bad pony?”

“I don’t know, say it as often as possible so people understand that I suck sometimes?” I replied.

She hit me again. “I’d like it if you stopped. At least do it less often.”

“I still feel like it’s the truth most days, but I won’t go out of my way to mention it. At least I won’t straight up say I’m a terrible person.” To you at least.

My fiance nodded. “Good. It’ll be hard for you to maintain a public image if you’re always telling ponies that you’re not nice.”

I rolled my eyes. “Sometimes you insult my intelligence, but then again, you’re adorable so I usually just let you get away with it.”

She furrowed her brow. “How was that insulting your intelligence?”

“You implied that I would be dumb enough to ruin my own name by being foolish with my words. I understand that I’ll have to be more careful with what I say from now on. It’s not going to be a terribly difficult task.”

“Uh-huh. You say that now.”

I gave her a look. “Where’d all that faith you had in me go?”

She looked to the other women in the room and I realized that I was being stared at with the same bored look across the board. “Oi! If you don’t trust me to do half of the prince sh-tuff. Prince stuff. If you don’t trust me to do that, then why am I becoming one?”

Celestia sighed. “We’re putting you through training for a reason.”

“It’s to annoy me, right?” I asked.

Twilight took my hand in hers. “You know why.”

I shook my head. “So I’m learning how to fight better, but who’s teaching me how to be a proper prince?”

Luna and I will be giving you your training.” Celestia said. “She will be teaching you combat in the nights and I’ll be giving you lessons during the day for the latter half of your stay here.”

“It’s a good thing I don’t actually need to sleep if you keep me fed. Otherwise, I’d be a certain kind of fucked.” I said drily.

Luna looked at me. “Is that true?”

“Yeah. I eat like, four times as much as a normal person and I’m pretty sure that’s why I don’t have to sleep as much, if at all.”

Luna grinned evilly and I felt a chill go down my spine. “So you’re saying that you can go all night?”

“...Yeah?” I answered stupidly. “I’ll need breaks like a normal person, but I can cut them down my meditating too. Trust me when I say I don’t have it in me to slack, Luna.”

She teleported a stuffed cat that I remembered seeing in her room once into her arms and started stroking. “Yes… I eagerly await your suff- Er, your efforts.”

I gripped Twilight hand and stage whispered to her. “If she puts something in my butt, kill her.”

Twilight replied in the same tone. “I don’t think I could, even if I wanted to.”

Cadance coughed. “If that’s all, then could we get back to organizing Max’s coronation? We have a lot to do and little time to do it.”

Celestia nodded. “So it is.”

I started nudging Twilight’s hoof again until I either irritated her or interested her enough to start nudging me back, and so we continued our game of footsie. Twilight nudged me with her shoulder and I looked around the table to see if I had missed anything and she just stared straight ahead, so I bumped her and we continued on until Celestia teleported us off of the couch we’d been sitting on and into chairs on opposite sides of the table. That didn’t deter us from using magic to mess with each other from a distance, however, though we stopped the moment Cadance ratted us out.

Celestia groaned and asked if we were even paying attention and I told her that I’d paid a lot of attention, just not to what anyone was saying. Twilight said that she could recite everything that had been said, word for word and would do so when we got home. Her former teacher said that I may as well meditate and see Noir for a synopsis while the adults in the room actually got something done and I flipped her off. She dragged me out of my seat by those two fingers, so I grabbed two of hers and dragged her towards me and made us scissor. No one got it, but I did and I told Celestia that performing such heinous acts on front of my fiance was a no-no without her say so. I was placed back into my seat and I assumed the position so I could go chat with Noir.

The first thing Noir did when I got to the mindscape was hug me, and boy was that squishy. It was a long hug that lasted for a good while as she congratulated me on my engagement, usurpation of Shining’s possible power, my kicking of his arse, and my True Magic. When she finally let me go and became much more serious, she let me know that we should be able to train my True Magic in my mind and that the knowledge of the skill would carry over, so while I was training with Luna or meditating while training as a guard, we would be working on getting the connections going. Unlike normal Alicorn True Magic, I wasn’t going to be able to master it all that easily since they had an innate knowledge of their own magic, but I was willing to bet that I would be able to do it well enough.

After another wonderful hug, Noir gave me the rundown of everything I’d missed and showed me what she’d put together regarding the setup of the event. It was well done and quite interesting to watch as a facsimile of me walked around like a loon and had Celestia do something or other. Apparently Celestia had said something about a speech and I’d been ignoring the fuck out of her, so after Noir gave me a peck on the cheek, she sent me back and told me that we’d have to do something special to celebrate me popping the question to Twilight.

When I came back to reality, the four princesses were far too close for comfort, though I didn’t open my eyes. I heard their heart beats and wondered what they were doing, so I snapped my eyes open and shouted from the top of my lungs, startling the fuck out of Cadance and Twilight while earning me glares from Celestia and Luna. After being told that it had been completely and utterly unnecessary, I asked why they were all standing around me and Luna explained that they were trying to figure out why someone so annoying was so handsome. I told them that it was because I needed to have a character flaw for being so undeniably perfect and I was met with scoffs.

The meeting adjourned, though Celestia took some measurements of me so we could have a suit or whatever made for my special day. I didn’t want one and said as much, but if I was going to be a member of the Royal Family, I had to start dressing like one. I looked at Twilight and saw that she was wearing her usual cute stuff and just pointed at her. All eyes fell on her, but I was staring at Celestia who just rolled her eyes and said that Twilight didn’t have to wear any regalia because she said so. I spanked her with my psychic tentacle and she did the same to me with magic, so I hit the other cheek. She responded in kind, so I walked over to her and scooped one of her breasts. Sunbutt couldn’t do that to me, and she wouldn’t go for the next best thing in front of Twilight, so I won that round and returned to my fiance’s side in triumph, but the next thing I knew, her magic hair was gripping my tender bits and I drew the Warbling Blade to cut away at some of the gossamer strands that even I could barely see.

Celestia’s hair didn’t stop molesting me, however, so I asked if I could finally get some time alone with my fiance. Twilight and I were released from the evil grasp of the benevolent tyrant and we were allowed to go home, though when we did, Twilight didn’t immediately try to sex my man muffin like I’d been expecting her to. Instead, she teleported my journal and one of my pens from Earth into her hands before gesturing towards her couch with the pen. I took the hint and had a seat, giving Twilight some time to pace until she had a brilliant idea. Well, I thought it was a brilliant idea. She actually just sat next to me and draped her legs over mine, so when I wanted to take a break from writing, all she had to do was swivel and I free, and if I wanted to touch her, I could do so. It was nice.

I had Twilight cast a privacy spell over a few of the pages so that she herself couldn’t read them on accident, though the only things I blocked from her were the Graham incident and any mention of it as well as the talk about The War with the Elder Rulers and Cadance. She didn’t ask why I had her hide those pages, but she did ask if they held information she should know. I told her that I wouldn’t have asked her to hide them if I thought she should read them and she accepted my answer rather easily, all things considered. Once I was done with my journal, Twilight and I spent much of our time kissing, cuddling, and gently petting each other. It was a nice way to spend the evening, and when Spike came in from doing whatever it is he does during the day, he congratulated me specifically on finally asking Twilight to marry me since he’d already said something to his sister.

Since more shits probably going to happen, I want to write it down in my journal, but now Twilight’s telling me that we should get to bed for a decent night’s sleep. We have to tell our friends about my new status as a prince and our new relationship status, though that’s a phrase I haven’t heard in a long time. Fuck Facebook and the petty fuckers on it. I could go on a tangent about how much hate I got from contrarian dickfuckers (people whose genitals are small enough to fuck other dicks) while I was leading the SIAC, but I’m not going to. I’m just happy Twilight said yes.

Honestly, I don’t think anything could have made this day better.
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Author's Note

First Chapter of the new release schedule. Good lord, I'm so glad I don't feel like I'm about to crack from having to write 20k+ words in three days. Having a week to get shit done is so much nicer.

That being said, I hope you enjoyed as usual. Fuck Shining sometimes though.

As Always, Tell Them You Love Them

Stay Cool, Kids.