The Teufort Nine's Wizard-Fueled Adventure

"Doktor?"

"Ja?"

"Why did we pass that farm? We could have asked where we were back there."

It was true, Medic thought to himself as they continued walking, they could have stopped. But something about the language on the sign had made him feel uneasy about walking up to someone's door and asking for directions. He turned to Heavy.

"Ja, Heavy, ve could have."

"But we did not."

"Nein, und zhat is because somezhing concerns me. You see, the writing on zhe sign further up zhe road leads me to believe zhat zhe people here may not speak any language zhat ve know of."

The pair reached a stone bridge, and Medic motioned for Heavy to stop. When that failed to produce any reaction, as he had forgotten the height difference between the two of them, Medic tugged on the minotaur's arm.

"Vait here, bitte. I shall go on ahead. I believe zhat it vould be prudent to scout around zhe area, und you are more conspicuous by far."

"Agreed, doktor. I shall hide here."

Medic continued over the bridge. He gritted his teeth as his attempt at a slow and cautious approach was hindered by the trit-trot of his hooves over the stonework. Luckily, the rest of the village street seemed to be composed of dirt. There was a thatched cottage to his left; he stayed close by it. Medic poked his head around.

Before him was what appeared to be a town square. A fountain took centre stage, and much to his intrigue it was entirely populated by quadrupedal creatures of various colours. Medic could pick out at least three distinct body types, all variations on a theme. One with a horn, one without a horn, and one with a strange protuberance on its side. Something darted rapidly through the air, and as it slowed Medic saw that it was a flying version of the quadrupeds. Remembering how Heavy had described his new body, Medic wondered if these creatures were a similar shape to him. This was good news, though, as it meant that he would not be out of place. Heavy, on the other hand...

A sudden noise from behind made him flinch. It sounded an awful lot like a horse's whinny. Or a pony's, for that matter. He turned around.

Three ponies stared back at him. The Medic noted that each bore a differently coloured coat, mane and tail: one was white and purple, another yellowy-red with what looked like a bow in its mane, and a third was orange and purple. They were noticeably smaller than him - what did that make them, children? Foals?

Another whinny.

"Ah. Hello, kinder. Ah... vhat are your names?"

More horse noises.

"Oh. Vell, if you vill excuse me, I must be going." He backed away slowly, hoping that the... foals... would get the message. They did not.

"Go away! Shoo! Shoo!" They advanced towards him. Medic looked around, weighing his options. Stand? Fight? Run?

"WAUGH!"

Run.

"Doktor! You are back!"

"Heavy! No time! Protect me!"

"Who from?"

"THEM!" Heavy followed Medic's hoof. Sure enough, there were three more cute ponies running towards him down the road.

"Heavy must protect doktor from tiny baby ponies?"

"Ja! Zhey are evil!"

"But they are so cute!"

"Heavy! They are upon us!"

"Very well." Heavy stepped into the middle of the road, facing the tiny ponies. He did not see how these tiny things could possibly have scared the Medic, but who was he to judge? Little things could sometimes bode horribly. Like his grandmother when her temper was up. Heavy mentally shivered at the thought of that little old lady rising out of her armchair with a cane in her hand and a look of malice in her eyes...

Heavy drew himself up fully and gave a loud battle cry. The little ponies immediately stopped in their tracks. They looked petrified. Just like little tiny...

Babies...

As the ponies ran away as fast as their hooves could carry them, Heavy turned to Medic angrily.

"Doktor. I think those ponies were not going to hurt you."

"Uh... "

"I have seen fear in the eyes of baby-men before, doktor. That fear did not show. That was the fear of child. Of true baby."

"Um... " Heavy leaned in close.

"I happen to be very fond of children. So this is what we are going to do: we are going to find them, and we are going to apologise. I do not want these ponies to think of Heavy as child-scaring monster."

"But- "

"NOW!"

"Doktor, tell orange pony to move."

"I cannot!" replied Medic, a shrill tinge of annoyance in his voice. "Can I not make it any clearer zhat zhey do not understand me?"

They had been walking back up the path to find the three foals. Medic had spotted them clustered around the gate to the farm just before the bridge. Unfortunately, there was another pony with them. This one was large, orange, wore a hat which inspired just the tiniest vestiges of jealousy from Medic, and looked rather angry.

The pony seemed to square itself up to Medic, and proceeded to administer a tongue-lashing that would quite probably be rather withering on the self-confidence if he could actually understand what on Earth it was saying.

"I am sorry," Medic said, "but I cannot understand you."

The pony continued to emit horsey noises. Then it paused, turned its head, and neighed. Another, larger pony, red instead of orange, emerged from the farmhouse. The two of them now proceeded to deliver an angry yet ineffective chewing-out. One of them took a menacing step forward. What was worse, more ponies were coming over the bridge to witness the commotion, each one adding to the equine cacophony as they clamoured.

"Heavy! Do somezhing!"

"And scare ponies off? What will they think of us then?"

What was undoubtedly the worst thing about this whole ordeal, thought Medic, was that he was actually starting to feel intimidated by a group of brightly-coloured equines. What could they possibly do to harm him? And yet, upon thinking that thought, his treacherous mind started presenting him with a multitude of scenarios quite graphically depicting what they could do to harm him.

And then Heavy started singing.

"Эй, ухнем!
Эй, ухнем!
Ещё разик, ещё да раз!"

"Heavy?"

"Quiet, doktor! Эй, ухнем!
Эй, ухнем!
Ещё разик, ещё да раз!"

And then the strangest thing happened. Every one of the ponies stopped their yells and fell silent. Which was doubly strange, as Heavy wasn't even too good a singer.

"Разовьём мы берёзу,
Разовьём мы кудряву!"

Heavy started to walk forwards towards the bridge, and the crowd parted to let him through. Heavy continued, still singing, as the crowd closed back up again as they moved through.

"Ай-да, да ай-да,
Aй-да, да ай-да,
Разовьём мы кудряву."

There was a noise from behind, and Medic turned to look. One of the ponies - the orange angry one - started to sing in perfect harmony with Heavy. Then another joined in. And another.

"Разовьём мы кудряву.
Эй, ухнем!
Эй, ухнем!
Ещё разик, ещё да раз!"

Heavy started to move faster. To Medic's amazement, the ponies began to form a line, four abreast. Every one of them was singing in harmony now.

"Heavy! Vhat is zhis?" No answer save for the lyrics. Music began to spring up from nowhere, providing a perfect accompaniment to this completely unrehearsed and yet exquisitely executed musical number. They were over the bridge and inside the town now, and as the group circled the fountain more and more ponies began to join in, flooding from their cottages.

"Мы по бережку идём,
Песню солнышку поём.
Ай-да, да ай-да,
Aй-да, да ай-да,
Песню солнышку поём."

A warm tingly feeling rose up inside Medic's chest. It filled every last crevice in his body, filling it with the urge to join in with the music. He resisted for a few moments, before giving in and letting his voice enter the melody.

"Эй, эй, тяни канат сильней!
Песню солнышку поём- now, doktor!" Medic was too caught up in the wondrous sound to notice what was going on beside him. He continued singing.

"Эй, ухнем!
Эй, ухнем!
Ещё разик- waugh!"

A hand roughly pulled him out of the marching column and down an alleyway. As the rest of the ponies moved on obliviously, the music fading away into the distance, Medic felt his head clearing.

"Heavy! You- you stopped zhe music! How could you?"

"Cease your baby-crying, doktor. You wanted Heavy to rescue you, and Heavy did."

"But - but vhat vas zhat?"

"I do not know."

"Zhank you all zhe same, mein freund. Anyvay, now zhat ve know zhe ponies get rather carried avay in zheir singing, zhat information may come in handy later on."

"Come with me, doktor. We will find comrades."

"And sandvich?" A smile spread across the pairs' faces.

"Da, doktor. And sandvich."