A little while earlier.

Demoman felt like he had been run over by a train.

His eyes were gummed shut by rheum. His mouth tasted like something had died in it, and his throat was like sandpaper. True, it wasn't as if this was the way that he usually woke up after a solid night's drinking, but this was somehow worse. He wiped his cheek to remove the drool that had accumulated there, and forced his eyes open. And promptly rolled into the pond.

Any semblance of morning tiredness dispersed as the Demoman coughed and spluttered and hauled himself out of the water. It wasn't cold exactly, nor were his clothes drenched. In fact, it felt as if he wasn't wearing any clothes at all. He looked down.

Yep, nothing on. He was also stripey.

"Ah, cripe!"

Followed by:

"Och, I need a drink."

The Demoman got to his feet, and fell over. Maybe he didn't need a drink after all. Maybe he'd just crawl everywhere on all fours. Yeah, that sounded right. With this established, Demoman fervently tried to remember how he had ended up with nothing on in this... forest? Why in God's name was there a forest in the middle of Lakeside?

Demoman thought hard, and managed to recall his emergency checklist. Engineer had made sure that everyone had made one, in the rare event that a teleporter malfunctioned and sent the traveler somewhere far, far away. It was crystal-clear in his mind, which meant that he was sober, which meant that he had been out for some time.

Lord, I'm a bloody genius.

Item the first: location. He took a better look at his surroundings - the trees, the sky, the pond he'd fallen into. They were distinctly different to the Egyptian landscape of Lakeside. Definitely a teleporter malfunction, then.

Item the third: weapons. Checking himself, he found none. Oh, well, he thought to himself, RED can just take them out of Engie's paycheck. The Eyelander, on the other hand, wasn't so easily replaced, but it had its own eldritch way of turning up. Generally inside the trachea of a BLU.

Item the fourth: alcohol. There was none. Demoman held a brief moment of silence for the loss of the bottle of two hundred and ninety-year-old rum that he had taken onto the battlefield that day.

Item the fifth: hats. Demoman felt his head, comfortable in the knowledge that his most marvellous Hat of Undeniable Wealth and Prestige, a mighty family treasure hauled from the briny deep, was...

"Cripe."

He was going to kill Engie for this. And then, when he had walked out of Respawn, he was going to do it again. He would avenge that poor little octopus if it was the last thing he did.

Amidst his rage, Demoman felt that he was forgetting something. One, three, four, five... one, three, four five... one, two - oh, that's right.

Item the second: health. Engineer had made it quite clear that, in the event of a teleporter malfunction, it was quite possible that every one of your nerves could be removed from your body. It was for this reason, he had insisted, that every mercenary do a visual check of their body parts before assuming everything was fine. Well, he didn't feel anything. But that could very well mean that his nervous system had remained back at base.

A cursory glance soon told him that either he was hallucinating vividly due to loss of blood alcohol, or the teleporter had gone very badly wrong indeed. His arms appeared to be furred, stripey, and ending in a set of stumps. Looking down, Demoman noted that the same thing had happened to his legs. Also, he most definitely was naked. And - bloody hell, was that a tail? It was certainly some kind of ornament. Speaking of ornaments, there seemed to be a tattoo of a bomb on his backside.

And then he heard a voice.

"Demoman!" He turned.

"Eyelander?"

"Yeah, it'ssss me," said the Eyelander. It was floating in the air about a metre from his face. "Now lissssten! I don't have much time, and - holy crap, what happened to you? You're like a midget little zebra! THe Eyelander laughed. "Wow, that Merassssmus sure did ssssome weird magic."

"Merasmus? I thought it was... wait a second..." He gasped in outrage. "That bloody wizard stole me hat!"

"Yessss, he sssstole your hat. Now listen, Demo- "

"I'll kill him! An' then I'll kill you too, for making friends with th' book that took me peeper!"

"Demoman! Lissssten! I don't have much time left to talk here."

"And jest why should I listen to a back-stabbing head-chopper like you, eh?"

"I'll ssssend you a key."

"A key?" exploded the Demoman. "A key, in return fer me forgettin' yer betrayal? Fat chance, Eyelander."

"Okay, two keys. And Bombinomicon'll give you your eye back." Demoman thought that he could hear a muffled what?, but dismissed it.

"You have yerself a deal."

"Great. Me and the Bombinomicon are trapped in this huge castle made of glassss or ssssomething. Don't assssk how we ended up
here," the sword slithered. "And we think that Merassssmus issss here too! You have to find us, or- " The vision of the Eyelander suddenly disappeared. A few seconds later it emerged again, this time looking decidedly see-through. "Jusssst find the resssst of your team and hurry up. I'll try to talk to you wh- "

The swordly apparition vanished, leaving Demoman to wonder where exactly he was going to find his sword. And the RED team, if it came to that. He stood up, started to tip, and caught himself before he hit the ground. Evidently, he thought, zebra bodies are not made for standing. He righted himself, starting to walk. And then he heard another sound, quiet at first, but getting louder every second.

"Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin' Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!"

The Soldier cannoned into him at an incredible speed, driving the two of them into the dirt. Demoman tried to climb out of the zebra-and-Soldier-shaped hole, pushing his assailant off him.

"Soldier, what in - God Almighty, ye're a griffin?"

"That is right!" cried the Soldier happily. "Stand to attention when a superior avian addresses you, you stripe-sided maggot!" Demoman did as he was commanded, a reflex born from years of having the Soldier shout at him. "At ease, soldier. You are in the presence of one who has been blessed by the god of America! As you may have noticed, my actions at Lakeside have been recognised! I have ascended into my true form, as an eagle incarnated into the body of a lion!"

Demoman stared. The being in front of him was Soldier, there was no doubt about that. Not least because of his voice. Physically, on the other hand, his rear half resembled a small, red-furred lion and his front half was an eagle with creamish white feathers.

"But, Soldier- "

"DO NOT INTERRUPT ME. Now, I have one and only one question to ask of you." The griffon suddenly darted forward, his beak pressing against Demoman's nose. "Where. Is. My. Hats."

"Don't you mean 'where are my- "

"EAGLES MAKE THEIR OWN RULES!" he yelled. "THAT IS WHY THEY ARE FEARED BY HIPPIES THROUGHOUT THE WORLD. Now, answer my question." He relaxed his talons.

"Soldier, did ye not see the bloody great wizard that popped up after ye slammed inta that wall?"

"Of course I did. My eagle-eyes see all. My room-mate was simply coming to applaud my victory." Demoman stared at his comrade in disbelief.

"When will ye get it inta yer head, Soldier?" he asked. "That wasnae victory celebration, that was Merasmus bein' awakened from his eternal slumber!"

"And just how would you know? You were drunk at the time."

"I'll never ferget Merasmus' face, Soldier. Not until me dyin' day."

"How can I trust you?"

"We find Merasmus, and then if he really was comin' tae applaud ye he'll say so. All right?"

"Affirmative!" And then Soldier's beak started to widen in realisation. "Did... you say... Merasmus has my tower of hats?" Demoman nodded. "Ooooh, he is a dead man."

"Aye. Now, how are we goin' tae find the other REDs?"

"With my eagle powers! I have spotted a township four klicks due west. We shall advance immediately!"

Author's Note

Fun Fact: Soldier's current species was inspired by the Freedom Feathers costume.