Chapters The Curse of a Better World
At the smell of nature I closed my eyes, inhaling the sweet scent of flowers and grass. I had pictured this situation many times, always perfectly aware that it would never come true, but not once had the smell been the first thing I noticed. In our world, even in places where nature was still untouched, you would never get this kind of scent. Whether it was a side effect of industrialization or simply a quality of this world I did not know, but the sensation was immeasurably precious to me.
Although my mind was yet too debilitated to fully grasp what was happening, my heart made a short leap as I first became aware of my new body. When I started examining my surroundings, I discovered the ground I was standing on to be a small hill right on the edge of Ponyville. As far as I could tell, it was on the northern side, but I wasn't sure.
I blinked. I thought I had come alone, but now I saw that this wasn't true. A mixture of starkly contrasting emotions swept over me when I recognized who was there with me. Pinkie, whom I had always called by that name, was standing only a few steps beside me. I didn't for how long she had been there, but it didn't matter. She had the body she designed for herself; a picture I had only seen a few times before, but remembered instantly. Her eyes were closed, and her mane was flattering ever so slightly in the soft wind.
I approached her without hesitating, even though I had no idea what to say. It didn't matter; she seemed to have heard me and turned her head. When she saw who I was, her eyes widened, and her expression sent a chill running down my spine.
“You! ” she said in German. Disbelievingly, her eyes wandered up and down my body. “How? ”
“I have no idea how,” I said, and the sound of my voice almost made me break out in hysteric but joyful laughter. I forced myself to stay calm. “I don't think I know any more than you.”
“What were you doing when it happened?”
“I was in bed, about to fall asleep.”
“How late was it?”
“About half past ten. I went to sleep early. What did you do?”
She looked at me with cold eyes. “Talking to someone.”
I understood and lowered my gaze. “Well...”
“I wish he could have come instead of you,” she mumbled, and even though I had seen them coming, the words still send a wave of pain through my heart. “Why couldn't he come?”
“Because he's an idiot,” I stated numbly.
Pinkie gave me an angry glance. “He's not an idiot.”
“You know that's not true.”
“Are you really that immature?”
“Look,” I said, and for the first time I felt impatience. “You can like him all you want, but you're too smart enough not to realize this after spending so much time with him. Do you know what the first thing he did when you removed me was? He went to mock me and celebrate his victory, and that was before I had even noticed.”
I watched her closely during this last sentence, and although her expression barely changed, I could tell that she hadn't known before.
“Also,” I continued, “and I know this goes against both of our worldviews, but the fact that we're here means that... something supernatural sent us here. There is no other explanation. And...” I gulped. “Whatever it is, it certainly didn't choose us by chance, which means that he has no business being here. He wasn't even a fan of the show anymore... and even if he had been, he never had any right or reason to be in a world as good as this.”
“Okay, fine.” Pinkie suddenly turned around, and stamped one of her front limbs onto the ground; a gesture which would probably have appeared laughable with a human foot, but which was strangely intimidating with a pony hoof. “You're right, okay? He doesn't belong here, and yes, he's an idiot. Sorry for calling you immature.” She gave me a look that almost resembled hate. “And I'd still prefer it if he was here.”
“Sorry for that. I wouldn't trade with him if I could, but I am sorry that you miss him.”
“Yeah, right.” Pinkie snorted. “Easy for you to say that, now that you've got everything you want.”
I didn't know how to respond to that. She was right.
“Come on,” I said. “The fact that I'm here instead of him can't be enough to ruin it for you. We're in Equestria. We're literally in paradise. Do you not want to be here? I know for a fact that you do; you have told me that you'd like to come here, even if no-one could follow.”
“Mh... I know that.” She sighed. “But we don't know how many others are here, too. If every brony who wants to live in Equestria now does, then how much better than home will it really be?”
“I don't think that's the case. Most of them would likely want to be in Ponyville and if a lot of them were here, we'd see them. Actually, I don't... I don't really think anyone else is here, to be honest.”
“Why not? Because you think no-one likes the show as much as you?”
“No.” I gave her a flat look. “I know you know I'm not that naive, so please don't pretend I am. But... dunno, I can't really explain it. But I think we're the only ones.”
“Well...” Pinkie once more looked towards Ponyville, and now she smiled. “Let's find out.”
“Yeah.”
Slowly, anxious of our new bodies, we made our way downhill towards the town. On the way, I began to pay more attention to the landscape.
It was ridiculously beautiful. I recognized more assets from the show than I expected, but contrary to the simplistic cartoon style of the series, everything here was lavishly detailed. It was undoubtedly real.
“By the way... thanks a lot for, you know, my body. I like a lot how I look.”
She gave me a smile. “No problem.”
“When you gave me the design...” I suddenly felt the need to justify myself. “I... I did like it, but it was just one angle. And it was more or less a vector... it didn't feel right to use it on sites and stuff. And I didn't feel comfortable asking you to draw more.”
“Yeah. Mh...” she sighed again. “Don't... don't apologize. If you hadn't been so concerned all the time, doing this for you would've been a lot easier. Everything would've been easier.”
“I know.” I lowered my gaze. “It's... chemistry is difficult. I can't control it.”
“By the way,” she mumbled as we came close to the first buildings, “it's so weird that you're female now.”
I giggled. “Yeah, well, you know I never really identified with being a man that much. And as a pony... I really wouldn't picture myself as a stallion. I love what I am now.”
“So...” Pinkie stopped, her eyes wandering above the town-scape in front of us. “What do we do?”
“Well, everything looks normal.” I was nervous, and for some reason this also made me realize how weird it was not to have my old body for the first time. I knew that usually, I'd play around with my fingers in a situation like this. “I think we should try not to attract attention – we look like normal ponies – and go to the library as quickly as possible.”
“The library has been blown up,” Pinkie said, without moving her gaze away from the town. “But yeah, let's visit Twilight.”
“I don't know the way though. I've seen maps of Ponyville before, but I have zero sense for directions.”
“I think I'll find it.” Pinkie carefully approached the first buildings, and I made sure to follow her closely.
“There is no way that the crystal tree is part of this world,” I said. “If it's real, it has to make sense. The crystal tree doesn't. And the show has contradicting information, not everything in it can be true.”
She gave me a deprecative look over her shoulder. “I'm pretty sure the crystal tree will be there. I'm guessing you also don't expect Twilight to have wings?”
I hesitated. “Maybe. It's more likely than the tree. But I still doubt it.”
Pinkie shook her head, but she didn't respond; a mare I had never seen before was standing close to us as we moved around a corner. I gulped. This was our first encounter with a citizen of this world.
“Good Morning,” Pinkie said to her, and without even slowing in her walk, she made her way further down the street.
“Uh... Good afternoon to you too, miss,” the mare said, slightly dumbfounded but without hindering us. When she looked at me, I instantly felt uncomfortable; I dodged her gaze and hurried to keep up with Pinkie.
What followed were two encounters of similar nature, before we reached our destination. I remembered that Twilight's home lay on the northwest side of Ponyville, so we'd only had to cross a small part of it.
It was the Golden Oak Library. My heart made another jump when I saw it. I loved this building.
God, I loved it so much.
“Well, one point for you,” Pinkie mumbled, and went to knock on the door. I could see how awkward doing so was for her, as she had to lift a front limb in a fairly odd looking angle.
“I hope she is home,” I said. “I have no idea what to do if she's not.”
I waited with bated breath. After about twenty seconds, I could hear steps from behind the door.
Twilight opened.
She didn't have wings.
Everything was perfect.
The Curse of a Better World
“What can I do for you?” Twilight asked politely. She didn't sound surprised; it took me a few seconds to remember that we looked just like normal citizens.
“It's hard to explain,” Pinkie said. “Can we come in?”
“Alright.” Twilight stepped aside, and I felt as though my heart was melting at the sight of the room. Maybe it had taken this picture for me to finally realize the reality of this moment. I was in Equestria. Even more, I was in one of the nicest looking buildings I had ever seen, with the breathing embodiment of my favorite fictional character of all time.
“We need your help,” Pinkie began. “We're new to this... town, and we... uhm...”
“We come from another world,” I stated bluntly, cutting her off before she could attempt to deflect from this fact. She gave me an irritated glance, but didn't contradict.
Twilight's look bounced between us. “If you say another world, do you mean it in the literal sense? And if so, how and why did you get here?”
“Uhm...” I watched her nervously, waiting for any sign of anger or annoyance. “Yes and no idea. We just arrived.”
“I'm not sure I believe you,” Twilight simply said. “Can you explain more?”
“Well...” I realized that it might have been a good idea to prepare for this conversation beforehand, but then again, I had always intended to simply be honest. “I was at home, about to fall asleep, when I was suddenly... standing on a hill on the outside of Ponyville. I... I always wanted to be here, so I think something must have made my wish come true, but... I have no idea how.”
“If you say you always wanted to be here, you must have known of our world.”
“Yeah.”
“How?”
“You know what movies are, don't you?” Pinkie asked.
Twilight's gaze switched to her. “No.”
Pinkie did a double take. “But... you do have, you know, a name for moving pictures that are stored inside of a device – right?”
“No.”
“That's not important,” I cut her off once more. I knew why she thought movies existed here, but I had a much easier time accepting that not every asset of the show was reality. “The point is, this universe...” I wanted to make a gesture with my hand, but realized that I couldn't, so I just continued, “it's a fictional story in our world. Like a book, just in a different medium.”
“A movie.” Twilight guessed.
“Sort of, yeah.”
“Do they not have cutie marks in your world?”
I winced slightly upon hearing that; I hadn't spend a single thought to cutie marks since we got here. Would we ever get them? Maybe you had to be born a pony for it to work?
I pushed the thought aside. That was something to deal with later.
“Uhm... no, we... actually, we weren't ponies in our world. We had completely different bodies.”
“Oh.” I winced slightly, but to my immense relief, Twilight still sounded friendly when she continued. “If you say you know of this world from a story... does that mean you know specific things that have happened?”
“The story doesn't seem to be accurate,” Pinkie mumbled, before I could say anything. “We've already seen that things we expected to be here aren't.”
“Things that you expected to be here,” I corrected her, trying to do so in a neutral voice. “But that doesn't mean no episode is real. We could just retell a couple...”
“Do you think someone made a selection and only took the good ones?”
“Maybe, or rather only the ones which make sense.”
“There's no way...”
“Or maybe only Lauren's ideas are reality.”
“You mean the Nightmare Moon arc?”
I hesitated. “I think the Ticket Master is a better idea.”
“I don't... well, never mind. Go ahead.”
“Right.” I turned back to Twilight, who had been following our exchange attentively. “Okay, so... did you ever...” I forced myself to ignore how awkward this question was and just continued, “receive two tickets for a high society event called the Grand Galloping Gala, and everyone of your friends wanted one?”
“No,” Twilight simply said. “But the Gala does exist. I just never wanted to go.”
“Well...” I turned to Pinkie. “This might confirm what I've been thinking. Only the things that make sense are reality.”
“But the Ticket Master does make sense.”
“Well, in terms of plot, more or less, but the premise was... well, she could've just asked for more tickets.”
“Okay, so which episodes do you think work?”
“Uhm... ... give me a moment.”
I tried to go through all of the Season One episodes chronologically, considering each of them.
“Okay... did Applejack ever try to harvest a large portion of the apple fields in an unreasonably short amount of time, only to get tired and cause all sorts of problems?”
“No.”
“Oh...” Disappointed, I tried to come up with an even more plausible one, but now that I was under pressure, I couldn't even remember which one came next.
“Did Fluttershy ever catch the attention of a famous photographer who wanted to make a model out of her?”
“No.”
“Dammit...” I bit my lip, and I could feel my hopes fading. Perhaps just the original design was reality, and everything the show had added wasn't.
“Did Applejack and Rainbow ever have a big competition about which one was the better athlete, resulting in a race which both of them ended up losing?”
“No.”
“Mh...”
Maybe, I thought, it was better this way. If we wanted to live in this world, maybe it wouldn't be fair to know personal details about other ponies lives. Although, that was probably just my way of trying to cover up my disappointment.
I made another try. “Did Applejack and Rarity ever have to stay here overnight during a big storm and you turned it into a slumber party; but they couldn't stop fighting and so it didn't really work out?”
Twilight blinked. “Yeah.”
“Really?” In an instant, all of my disappointment vanished.
“Yes. But I don't think that proves anything.”
“Sure, but was it your first slumber party ever, and did you have a book called 'Slumber 1-0-1: everything you always wanted to know about slumber parties but were afraid to ask', and did you play truth or dare and Rarity dared Applejack to play dress-up, and AJ dared Rarity to go outside and get her mane ruined, and... did they end up having to sleep in the same bed and woke you up because they couldn't stop arguing, and then, uh... ... uhm...” I stopped myself before I could say anything about the tree; I felt like that would be pushing my luck. “... ... well, that stuff? Did it happen like that?”
“I think so,” Twilight said, now looking confused more than anything else. “I don't remember it exactly, but I think most of that... or maybe everything happened. I do have this book.” She blushed slightly. “If you don't mind me asking, why are all of these things about me and the girls?”
“You're the main characters. Well, you are the main-main character, but your group of friends are the main cast. And Spike, more or less.”
“Okay...” Twilight seemed to be unsure of what to say next. “So, if I'm getting this right from your conversation, your story seems to be divided into parts which you call episodes, and one of them was about our slumber party?”
“Yeah,” I said, somewhat nervously. “Well, we didn't... know you were real, so we couldn't know that it's... you know, an invasion or your privacy.”
“Of course... I was just wondering, how many of these are there?”
“Uhm... I think twenty-six times three plus thirteen, that'd be... ehm... seventy-five minus... seventy-two... eighty-five? I think eighty-five. No, wait, it's seventy-five plus three, so... ninety-one.”
“Ninety-one...” Twilight mumbled.
“Yeah, but most of them don't seem to be true.”
“Right.” Twilight thought for a moment. “Let's see if you find another one.”
“Uhm... right. Sure.” I scoured through my mind for a second hit, but this time, Pinkie was faster than me.
“Did Rainbow Dash ever get stuck in the hospital after she broke her wing in an accident, and started reading because she was bored?”
“Yeah.” Twilight's face lightened up. “That was just a few weeks ago. And she's still reading the novel.” She nodded towards a bookshelf. “Right now she's somewhere in the seventh book.”
Pinkie gave me a satisfied smirk.
“Yeah, that was a great episode.” I smiled when I thought back to it. “And it's completely plausible. Well, except the break in. Did she really break into the hospital?”
Twilight nodded.
“And did she really wear a stealth suite?”
“A... no.” Twilight laughed. “That wouldn't do much with a mane like hers.”
“Well, exactly. It made no sense in the episode. But that also made it hilarious. So...” I gave Pinkie a look while I was talking. “I think this means it not only chose plausible episodes, but even cut parts from episodes if they don't make sense. Whatever 'it' is. So, I'm guessing that also means no tree fell into your home during the slumber party?”
“No.”
“Then, what happened when you all went to sleep?”
“Mh... well, Rarity and AJ wouldn't stop arguing, and I couldn't sleep. So, I was angry, because I wanted my first slumber party to be special, and they ruined it for me. When they realized how much they had hurt my feelings, they apologized and we talked it all out. In the end, we stayed awake for the better part of the night, just talking about all kinds of things.”
“And that wouldn't make a good episode.” I nodded. “Yeah, it all fits.”
“Alright. I'm still not sure if I believe you, but I'm definitely interested to hear more.” Twilight made a gesture towards the kitchen. “Do you like tea?”
“Totally.”
“Not really,” Pinkie said. “Do you have coffee?”
Twilight nodded. “I'll make you something to drink, and then I want to hear about your world.”
The Curse of a Better World
“Is something wrong?”
I winced. We were sitting around Twilight's kitchen table, with two cans of tea and coffee in our middle.
“No, it's fine. It's just...” I moved around uncomfortably. “It feels... weird to sit with this body. But I'll get used to it.”
Twilight nodded. “Well then. Tell me about your world. Is it a good place?”
“Well...” I gulped. “I think a lot of different people would give you a lot of different answers, but... no. Not compared to Equestria, anyway.”
Twilight looked at Pinkie.
“Life is really hard for a lot of people,” she said. “Too hard for some.”
“It is... complicated, most of all. It's hard to find the right point to start explaining when you talk to someone who has never been there.” I nipped at my tea, mostly to buy time to order my thoughts. “Our... society is extremely complex. Kids are usually introduced to it step by step over the years, and still there are many aspects that most of them will never get in touch with. I... think the best way I can explain this is with an example. Say, Twilight... how would you describe the importance of money in Equestria? How does it work?”
“Well...” Twilight hesitated. “It's a resource with largely consistent value that we use for trade. In order to regulate the distribution of worth, rather than trading goods for each other, you can use money as a universal payment. Does that answer your question?”
“Partly. I also meant, what does it mean to ponies?”
Twilight shrugged. “It's no big deal. Everypony gets enough to live, you just have to be careful not to spend too much. I think it has a slightly higher status in bigger cities, like Manehatten. If you wanted to gain a lot of money for some reason, it wouldn't be hard, if that's what you mean.”
“Okay, that's... probably an even bigger difference than I expected.” I took a deep breath. “In our world, money is everything. It's almost directly equivalent to wealth, so everyone wants as much of it as possible. Different jobs have drastically different loans, and a lot of people use this as their main criteria when they decide what they want to do in life. Most people see their job as a way to gain money more than anything else. If you're rich, you're treated and perceived differently by society. In our government, the parties with a lot of money have the most influence. Many people relate self esteem to how much money the earn. Some people steal or even kill for money.” I stopped, and lifted a front limb to touch my mane, like I would lift a hand to go through my hair. It didn't feel right. “Mh... yeah. I could go on, but I think you get the point.”
“He's exaggerating somewhat,” Pinkie said quietly. “Not everyone considers money the most important thing in life. But most of what he said is true. It also depends on where you live, some areas are far more wealthy than others.”
“But... why?” Twilight's look bounced between us. “What is so important about money? Is it because there isn't enough for everyone? Is it just a competition?”
“Mh... yes and no. A lot of people don't have enough to live comfortably. As... my friend said, it depends on where you live. But in our area... no, that's not the reason. It's... again, a matter of complexity. Usually, there is a large number of things you would like to buy, if only you had enough money. Even people who come from families that are fairly wealthy – and even wealthy compared to other people in our country – like me, can rarely buy everything they want. There is just too much.”
“Like what?”
“Tons of things. I don't even know where to start. Better food. A bigger home. Entertainment... stuff. If I bought all the music I listened to, that alone would be really expensive. Travel is another big part, many people like to go to distant places on vacation. Then there are a lot of things that don't even exist in your world, like advanced technology... that can be used for all kinds of things. Even clothing represents status.”
Twilight nodded slowly. “I think I have an idea of what you are saying. But you make it sound like... like everything is a competition. Like everyone only cares about his own life.”
“Yeah,” Pinkie said. “That's basically the problem.”
“It's also complicated. Like everything. There are good people in our world, but it's... hard. There is just so much... so much wrong with the system.” I took a deep breath, and a shiver ran down my spine. I lowered my gaze to the floor, and forced myself to ignore all of the reasons why I should stop talking right now.
“They eat meat, Twilight,” I said in a quiet voice.
I didn't look at Pinkie. I couldn't. I knew that I had probably just destroyed every bit of progress I had made in our relationship since we arrived here, but my loyalty to her was overshadowed by my desire to be up front with Twilight.
Twilight's reaction was exactly what I had expected. I had always known that this was something horrible ponies, something unthinkable. Her eyes widened in shock, and for the first time since we had met, the gaze she was giving us wasn't friendly, but scared.
“But... but you don't... r-right?”
I closed my eyes, feeling more uncomfortable than he had ever managed to make me feel, which was an unlikely achievement. I half expected Pinkie to hit me in the next moment. I realized that I was hoping for it.
“I don't,” I said, my voice barely more than a whisper. I didn't see it, but could tell that Twilight's gaze was directed at Pinkie. Was she going to lie? Maybe she was going to lie. I really hoped that she wouldn't. Lying now would make things even worse.
When she spoke, every word felt like a knife cutting into my skin, although I knew that it would have felt that way no matter what she had said.
“I do.”
Now I looked towards Twilight, careful not to let my vision shift far enough left to see Pinkie.
Was I just imaging it, or was she sitting farther away from us than she had before?
“Why?”
“It's how I've been raised,” Pinkie said in a neutral voice. “And it was too much of a habit to give up. It tastes too good.”
Despite my negative expectations, nothing could have prepared me for what I saw now. Something in Twilight's eyes... broke. She blinked a couple of times, and then a single tear dropped onto the table.
“Leave the library, please.” She turned her head away, and a tissue was floating towards her from somewhere in the entrance hall, enclosed in a purple cloak of magic. I could hear Pinkie standing up beside me, and a few moments later, I heard the door opening and closing.
What followed was the most uncomfortable silence I had experienced in living memory. In a desperate attempt to persuade my screaming conscience, I told myself that I had not expected her to be thrown out. And that was true – even though I had expected vegetarianism to be a self-evident yet unspoken law and any act of infringement to be considered a terrible crime, I had never thought Twilight would go this far.
Still, had it really been necessary? I could have been quiet, and everything would have been fine.
But it would have felt like betrayal to me. If we were asking Twilight for help and shelter, then we had to tell her who we were. I wouldn't want to host a murderer without knowing why he murdered, and for Twilight our situation was hardly different.
No. I had to tell her. But that didn't change how much I hated myself now.
“That's it,” I said, and noticed that I was crying. “She won't talk to me ever again.”
“How?” Twilight asked, her voice weaker than it had yet been during out visit. “How can intelligent – technologically advanced – creatures be carnivores? Never would I have imagined that this is possible. Never.”
“Can I have that tissue?” I asked with a broken voice.
She looked at me, blinked a few times, then she floated it across the table. When I tried to take it, I realized that I had no idea how to do so in a way that would preserve any amount of dignity. For a few seconds, I tried to pick it up from the table with both hooves and somehow have it wrap around one, but I quickly gave up.
“Let me help you.” The tissue was once again covered by a transparent, purple cloud and Twilight carefully lifted it up to my eyes and muzzle, absorbing most of the moisture on its way. When I fully realized the situation I was in, it only made me cry more. I tried to keep it silent, but one sob followed the next, and soon I had lost my self-control entirely. I cried about Pinkie, I cried about the fact that I was effectively a cripple, I cried about how horribly wrong our visit had been going, and I cried out of the realization where I was; because despite everything, this was the happiest day of my life. I would have given everything to be here. Everything.
“Was she your marefriend?” Twilight asked in a whisper. I hadn't realized it, but she was now standing beside me.
I shook my head.
“I'm very sorry if I made her angry at you,” Twilight said. “I'm really, really sorry.”
“No... don't... you didn't do anything wrong.” I sobbed again. “I brought up the topic. It's my fault. I just... I wanted to be honest with you.”
“I'm glad you told me. And for what it's worth, I believe you now.”
I wanted to answer, but I needed over ten seconds before I could say something again.
“Will I... will I ever be able to use magic?”
“I can't imagine that you won't. Magic is something you learn, not something you have inherently. Even if your capabilities aren't there for some reason, I'm sure the queen will be able to help you.”
There it was. Queen. Queen Celestia. Just like Lauren had wanted it to be.
“Are you... going you let her stay?”
At that, Twilight closed her eyes. “I want to understand it. It seems so cruel to me, and the way she talked about it was the worst part. She didn't even feel remorse.”
“You know,” I said while Twilight was drying my face one more time, “We had a discussion about that once. About vegetarianism. I... I used to be very judgmental of others. I'm still not entirely sure if that was wrong or not. And I tried to convince her to stop eating meat. She has a pet, you know? I forgot what kind of animal, probably a cat. And I asked her how she can stand to eat meat if she cares so much about her pet. She said she probably wouldn't ever eat meat from the species that matches her pet and she's aware how irrational that is, but that it's just too much to give up. And really, this is the kind of response I get from most people... if they even care enough.”
“That doesn't make me feel better about her,” Twilight said.
“I know. I wasn't trying to make you accept it. I... I despise eating meat more than anyone else I know. I'm not trying to justify it.” I sighed and forced myself to look Twilight in the eyes. “But you have to understand in what society we're raised in. It is the kind of society where selfishness is rewarded. There are no benefits you gain from being a vegetarian, you aren't respected more, you don't gain financial benefits; if anything you're frowned upon by a lot of people. If you do it, you have to do it for your conscience, without ever receiving recognition.
“And also, everyone who lives in a rich country is being irresponsible and selfish. It is impossible not to be. The question is just to what degree. There are so many poor people in our world, so much corruption, so much suffering, that every amount of effort you put into improving the lives of others is too little. And because of that, things like vegetarianism just become abstract concepts. You never receive any backlash, you never see any change because of what you do, and you can't live ethical anyway, so why even try? It is... hard to care for the world. Recently, I've realized this more and more.
“I think, from your perspective, the society we come from is just blatant insanity. The system is so complex, the disconnect between personal happiness and world politics is so big... you asked us if it's a good world, and there is your answer.
“So...” I gulped, and my heart seemed to tighten when I spoke, “Please try to forgive her. Don't try to understand or tolerate, just... try to forgive. You are going to let her stay... right?”
I was looking at Twilight, but the response I got was nothing I could have expected. Instead of saying anything, she just leaned forward and drew me into a hug. I trembled upon her touch, and with feeble limbs I tried to return the gesture.
“Then let me be the first one to appreciate it,” she whispered. “I can't imagine living in a world like you describe it, but I am immensely thankful that you don't eat meat. I wouldn't know what to do with you otherwise.”
She was attempting to draw back, and although I didn't want her to let go, I didn't protest. Without realizing it, I slid off the uncomfortable stool and dropped onto the floor. Twilight walked back around the table; at first I was afraid that she would stay there, but instead she just refilled both of our cups and sat down opposite to me.
“You have a bad conscience because you feel like you haven't been loyal to her, right?”
“Yeah. I think almost everyone who heard of this would say I'm a horrible friend for bringing it up.” I awkwardly picked up my cup in both hooves and took a gulp.
“I'm pretty sure most ponies I know would rather think something like, how come a sane pony can be friends with someone who eats dead corpses.”
“I guess it has to be judged by your standards, now that we're in your world. I like that.” I smiled weakly. “In my world, even most people who refuse to eat meat don't consider it a crime, rather a personal decision. Although I've always thought that was irrational, given that most of the same people would not consider it okay if someone hit his kids, or betrayed his girlfriend or something.”
“How come you don't eat meat? Is it how you've been raised?”
“No... no. Which means... I used to do it.”
Under my nervous gaze, Twilight grimaced and sighed. “When did you stop?”
“I'm not entirely sure. I think the first time I wanted to be a vegetarian was about eight years ago. Then I went back and forth a little, made exceptions and had phases when I stopped. At some point, I decided to be absolutely strict from now on; that was actually inspired by watching... you know, the... show about this world. That was maybe three years ago.”
Twilight's jaw clenched. I realized that the thought was still uncomfortable to her, even though it lay so far back.
I didn't even want to imagine how she felt about Pinkie.
“That's... okay, right?”
Twilight forced herself to smile. “Yeah. Yeah, of course. If you were raised differently, realizing your mistake at some point is all I can ask for. I don't understand why it takes someone like you years to figure it out, but I don't live in your world, so...” She reached out a hoof and gently brushed over my cheek. I shuddered upon her touch, and tried not to show how much it meant to me. I knew, or at least I had figured before, that ponies were much more permissive when it came to physical contact than humans.
“If you say you started ten years ago, then how old are you now?”
“In my world I was twenty.” Upon that, Twilight blinked in surprise.
“You're... older than that... right?” I asked hesitantly.
Twilight looked at me for a second, then she laughed. “I'm sixteen,” she said between giggles. “I'm not sure if I should be offended or flattered, but I guess you aren't practiced in judging the age of ponies.”
“Oh, wow.” I also giggled, although it was for an entirely different reason. “You know, there was a... debate in the... within the people who watched the... show, about the age of you and the girls.” I waited a second, unsure if Twilight was following. She gave me a slight nod and a smile, so I continued. “I think most people thought you were around eighteen, or a little bit older. I know some also put you between twenty and twenty-five. And then there was this one guy who made a great argument for why you're all around fifteen, but I never really believed it. Looks like he was right.”
“It's strange to hear that a lot of different people were talking about our lives.” Twilight levitated her coup to her muzzle and took a sip, a sight at which I couldn't help feeling envious. “Or are talking. How... many people know about... us in your world?”
I shrugged. “Oh, you know, it's a TV show. That means a series of short movies... uhm, by the way, a movie is like... like... like if you... store everything a person is seeing for a fixed amount of time, only the person is not a person but a technical device. And once you created it, you can rewatch as many times as you like. Well, anyway, what I meant to say is, there are many other shows like this. This one is very popular, but it's still just one of countless shows. The vast majority of people have never heard of it.”
Twilight nodded slowly. “But... how do you create images of our world, if you just store what happens in sight of an object?”
“That was just the principle,” I explained. “This show is not the record of what someone has seen, but a series of images that were artificially created. But the medium is the same.”
“I understand. I think.” Twilight took another sip. “Well, one thing I can say for sure is that this body,” she pointed a hoof at my figure, “is not twenty years old. I'd say it's about fifteen.”
“... huh. So I've become five years younger. Well, that's nice.”
“Yeah.” Twilight chuckled. “So... I think it's about time we talk about what we're going to do with you.”
I gulped nervously. “Alright.”
“Okay. The first thing I need to know is, do you want to stay here?”
“More than anything in the world.”
Twilight nodded. “After what you told me, I don't find that hard to believe. But do you not have friends you leave behind? A family?”
“Yeah. But if I have to choose between living in Equestria and abandoning my family, or staying in my world for the rest of my life, I want to be here. I've known that for a while. Of course, if it's possible for me to bring others here or to switch between worlds, then I'll do that.”
“Well, that all depends on how you got here. If you are telling the truth, the queen may or may not be able to give you answers. One thing I'm pretty sure of is that you're not on a timer, unless magic from your world is not traceable with methods I know.”
“About that...” I smiled crookedly. “I completely forgot to tell you this, because it's so trivial for me. There is no magic in my world.”
Twilight's eyes widened. “None?”
“No.”
“Do you mean that just for your species, or for the whole world?”
“For everything. Magic in our world is a myth, something only very few people believe in.”
“Wow...”
“Which also means, there is no explanation for how I got here in the context of what I believed in until now. It's supernatural.”
“Well, I don't think moving between dimensions is necessarily supernatural. Anything from our world could have pulled you.”
“... ... ... right. Supernatural by our standards. Which includes magic.”
“Oh.” Twilight laughed. “Well, in that case, yeah.” She demonstratively levitated my cup for a few inches before putting it back down. “Well, the next point would be... where do you want to live? You'll have to be subject to some investigations, of course, but I don't think you'll have to travel to Canterlot for that. It's much easier for the queen to visit you than vice versa. But she will probably demand that somepony watches over you, so...” She smiled. “If you want to stay in the library for now...”
“I'm... I-I'm...” I was struggling to respond to this, as I almost couldn't believe the offer I had just received. Eventually, I just said, “There is no place I'd rather be,” because that was the truth.
Twilight giggled bashfully, and leaned forward to give a me short hug. Once more I shuddered upon her touch. I couldn't believe how easy she was making it for me. Of course, in any scenario were I was sent to Equestria, I would want to become friends with Twilight Sparkle, but I'd have expected it to be hard, and mixed with a lot of insecurity on my part. How could it be easy to befriend someone whom you place so much higher than yourself?
But, of course, Twilight wasn't as good of a person as I had always thought. She was better.
“So, I think the absence of magic in your world makes the timer impossible, because it means the spell which brought you here must have come from our world, so it must be traceable. Which means we don't have to hurry to tell the queen about you.”
“Right...”
“Unless you want to find out if there is a way to send a message back to your world as fast as possible. Although... I'm afraid that's impossible.”
Although I had never expected anything else, the words still sent a short, painful stitch through my chest.
“So, I won't ever see anyone from my world again...”
“I'm very sorry for that.”
I sighed. “No, it's... fine. It's just... I'm just feeling bad for my family, they'll probably think I'm dead.”
“Probably.” Twilight bowed her head slightly. “Do you have siblings?”
“Yeah, an older brother and an older sister. They won't take it well.”
And then, in the blink of a moment, the realization struck me, harder than I could ever have imagined.
“They'll think I'm dead.” This simple fact swept over me like a wave of ice. I would cause massive, potentially irreversible damage to people I cared about, and I couldn't do anything about it. They would suffer. I couldn't even imagine how much, as I had never lost someone close to me.
This was wrong. All of it. I had thought this was a blessing, but how could it be if it caused so much harm? If I had had the chance to disappear forever, without saying goodbye, would I have even taken it? In all the times I had imagined coming to this universe, not once had I factored in how much it would hurt people who cared about me. It just hadn't been part of the idea. But that was because it had never been real. Now it was.
I didn't feel guilty – it wasn't my fault – but the knowledge alone was enough to make me tremble.
Next I saw Twilight sitting before me, and I realized that, up until right now, I had truly, entirely lost all awareness of my surroundings, something which happened for the first time in my life. I had stopped to pay attention to what I saw before, naturally, but it had never been gone. Now though, for the few seconds after I had realized the true consequence of this day, I had been fully blind.
But then... I had lost everything before, hadn't I? I had lost parts of my body, or witnessed the death of people I knew, just as there had been times when I had gained everything I craved; only to lose it all within a single moment and be left with nothing but the sound of an alarm clock, or simply the image of a white ceiling...
Yeah. Yeah... if this was real, surely I would have considered the possibility that I was dreaming. That would have been the first thing on my mind. It hadn't happened, of course, because it wasn't real. Every dream of something supernatural ended with inevitable disappointment, because the world simply was not supernatural. It was as easy as that.
As soon as I realized this, all sorrow and grief was washed away, only to be replaced with the strongest sensation of disappointment I had ever felt. It was a feeling so all encompassing, so horridly staggering, that I felt as though, in the end, all happiness and hope I had felt while asleep hadn't been worth it.
“Hey!”
“Gaaah!” I winced, and as if hit by a blaze, I instantly shot upright. This wasn't an unknown sensation; it sometimes happened when I was dozing off somewhere. I would think about something and forget where I was, only to suddenly startle, usually without any apparent trigger. As always, it took me a few seconds to realize where I was and what had brought me here.
Now, of course, I also knew that it wasn't a dream. The reason why you sometimes can't tell whether you're sleeping while in a dream is not because the dream feels like reality – no dream ever does – but because your mind is clouded at that time. Like mine had been before.
“S... s-sorry,” I brought out. “Oh, T-t... Twilight... I... am... am... mmp-p... ... ... w-w...” I shook my head. “I'm s-sorry this happened. Gosh, I was... traumatized.”
Twilight nodded. “Don't worry about it. Are you alright?”
“Y-yeah. Yeah.”
“Because you realized what your disappearance will mean for your family?”
I nodded. My heart was still beating at twice of its normal frequency, but I could feel it starting to slow down. “Yeah. Fuck .” Now that the initial shock had passed, the fact was gradually transforming into a cold and irreversible thought in the back of my mind, and I realized that it would never go away. I'd just have to learn to live with it – presumably for the rest of my life. “They will think I'm dead. They'll just... just think I'm dead. There'll probably be a symbolic funeral too, or at least I think they also do that for non religious people. Maybe not. But they'll believe I'm dead from now on. It's as simple as that.”
I looked back up at Twilight, noticing her irritated glance that didn't at all seem to fit what I had just said. The slowly fading shock and sadness I felt was mixed with confusion, and I tried to recall my last few sentences to figure out the reason.
“...” The realization struck, and a short laugh escaped my lips before I could explain. “Oh, that's, uhm, it's a swear word we use. In our world. It doesn't... ehm, have anything to do with the word itself. It's just something to curse with.” I could feel my head heating up slightly, a sensation which was in an irritating contrast to everything else I felt. “Sorry.”
“Fuck?”
“Yeah.”
“O...kay. That's strange.” Twilight giggled. “Doesn't it feel weird to use it?”
“Well, no, lots of people say it all the time. You can use it to punctuate something, as an adjective, or to express surprise, or anger, or even regret. I've, actually, no idea why it's this word now that I'm thinking about it, but it's really common among my generation. You wouldn't even notice if someone uses it in a sentence, it's just how a lot of people talk.”
Twilight nodded. “I'd say this is another proof that you're telling the truth. And... I'm really sorry for your family.”
“Yeah. Well...” I closed my eyes, trying to shut the thought out. “The thing is that I always thought all of this was a blessing. But it's not, is it? My life is going to improve, but it's not worth it. It can't be. If I had had the choice to come here without being able to explain things before... I don't think I would have taken it. Although, not taking it would have meant living with the knowledge of what I could have had for the rest of my life. But accepting would be so selfish.” I shuddered. “Unless...” I took a deep breath, and mentally prepared myself for losing my last hope, “Unless it's possible that whoever pulled me here left some kind of... message. Do you think that's possible?”
“It might be.”
“...” This was not the answer I had expected. “Really? Why didn't you say so? You made it sound like you can only take things from other worlds, but not give anything back.”
“I... don't think I said that.” Twilight reached out a front limb and put it on my shoulder. “I know what you're going through, but calm down.”
“Right. Right.” I took a few breaths. “Sorry.”
“It's no problem. So...” Twilight sighed. “Don't get your hopes up too much, because it's a big stretch. As far as I understand magic, it should be practically impossible to send something to another world. However, there is a magical phenomena called Aloa's Law, stating that, whenever you apply magic to a target, you create loose energy around the target, and the amount is proportional to the amount of energy used for the spell. Usually, this amount will be too small to do something with it, but with a spell of this caliber... maybe? Theoretically, it should be enough to create some kind of message; the question is just if anypony is capable of doing that...” She gave me an apologetic glance. “I doubt it. But I can't rule it out completely.”
“So... that means I have a faint glimmer of hope... well, that's much better than no hope at all.” I closed my eyes. Suddenly, I felt really tired. I wondered whether or not asking Twilight if I could go to sleep now was inappropriate.
I sighed. Worrying about this kind of stuff was typical for me, and the fact that you had to was one of the things I disliked most about our society.
Alas...
“Twilight?”
“Yes?”
“I'm... tired.”
“Oh.” Twilight sounded surprised, but not displeased. “Of course. You can sleep in my guest bed.” She stood up; it took me a few attempts to do the same. “I'll walk you upstairs. I also know sleeping spells, if you want to speed things up. I use them in most nights.”
“That... would be great,” I said, feeling relieved. I had already come to terms with the prospect of lying in bed for hours before I would fall asleep.
I barely registered the architecture around me as I followed Twilight towards her bedroom. Somehow, the emotional rollercoaster I had been through had sucked out all of my curiosity for the moment.
“How late is it?”
“About five PM.”
“Well... I was about to fall asleep when I got here. We must have gone about six hours backwards.”
“It's fine,” Twilight said with a smile. “Just get yourself rested. Although... I have one last question.”
“Yeah?”
“What's your name?”
“Silver,” I said without thinking. “Well, that's not my real name, but it's how I'd like to be called.
I wondered if Twilight was going to ask more, but she just nodded.
“So... you will talk things out with my friend while I'm asleep... right?”
Twilight blinked. “I'll do what I can.”
The Curse of a Better World
I woke up. For a few moments, I couldn't tell why the ceiling looked different, until my confusion was gradually replaced by an overwhelming sense of euphoria. Lying still, I spent several minutes just contemplating the reality of the situation, until my desire to see Twilight again overtook the tranquility of the moment. Hushed voices met my ears as I made my way downstairs. When I rounded the final corner, I could see both Twilight and Pinkie sitting on the entrance hall's floor.
At that, a very different and much less welcoming feeling dwelt up inside me. It seemed to be jealousy, but I couldn't even tell which of them I was jealous of. Maybe both.
“Hey there.” Twilight smiled and gestured for me to come closer. “Slept well?”
“Hey. Yeah, very well.” I sat down next to her, giving Pinkie a smile... wait, wasn't there a problem between us? Oh right, I had betrayed her, and ruined everything... ... oups. My smile vanished, and I instinctively slid half a meter away. “Uh, uhm...” I was about to apologize, but then an inner voice stopped me. I didn't want to apologize. Or did I? I probably should have thought that through earlier.
Ultimately, I ended up not saying anything, in a fruitless attempt to conceal my insecurity.
“We're fine,” Pinkie said.
“Oh... okay. Great.” I sighed in relief. “So... uh, what... did you discuss?”
“Pinkie can stay here,” Twilight said, “but you might want to get a new name.”
I giggled. Pinkie didn't.
“That's great.” I smiled thankfully. “Can she... stay here , too?”
“Yes, for now that should be fine. As long as it is okay for you two to share the same bed. I only have two.” She gave me quick look.
I felt a strange heat creeping up under my face. “Uhm...”
“Yeah, that's fine.” Pinkie stood up. "I'm tired, so if you'll excuse me...” Without giving me a second glance, she passed by and walked upstairs.
“I'm... not sure I understand your relationship,” Twilight commented after Pinkie had disappeared. I bit my lip, trying to stifle my giggles. I wasn't sure how much volume would reach the bedroom, after all there wasn't even a closed door between us.
“I don't fully understand it either,” I said truthfully.
“But you like her?”
“Yes.” I sighed. “Very much. I'd do pretty much everything for her. Which is probably part of the problem.”
Twilight nodded. “Was there...”
“No. I didn't even know how she looked like until yesterday. I still don't know how her old self looked like.”
“Then how...”
“Well, we have... uh, advanced technology which allows us to communicate over large distances, with almost zero delay. In my old life, I was talking to – or, well, writing with – people from around the world almost every day. It's...”
“Complicated?”
“Yeah.” I chuckled. “Though, it is possible to fall in love with someone without knowing how he looks like.” I closed my eyes. “There is this... guy who developed a... well, an obsession for Pinkie, which has caused... a lot of problems, to say the least. I think that had a big effect on her. That was actually the first thing I got involved with when Pinkie and I... well, met. It's a shame he isn't here, really, I think he would fit much better into Equestria than into our world, and I'd like him to be here. But Pinkie has been... troubled by the whole affair. It was a constant balance between keeping him on distance and trying not to hurt him, and we were never able to solve it.” A short pause. “Then there's this other guy, who is an idiot, who got really close to her, although I have no idea how or why...” I sighed. “Well, that's not true, I do have some ideas. Bah. And he has also hurt me more than any other person alive, and he's the reason why Pinkie stopped talking to me. However...” I didn't even attempt to keep the satisfaction out of my voice. “He isn't here either. Too bad for him...”
Blinking, I threw Twilight a look and blushed. “Sorry. I know you haven't asked me to tell you all of this, I just... felt the need to. I never really talked to anyone about it before.”
“Actually, I'd like to hear everything in more detail at some point.”
My heart made a small leap. “Uhm, totally.” I threw Twilight a thankful look. “... I think I wanted to make a point... right, Pinkie. I think that's the reason why she can come across as...” I was searching for the right word, but couldn't find it. “... passive,” I eventually said, although that didn't quite describe it. “Solitary? Uhm... reserved? There is a word for it in... uhm, my native language, which I can't quite translate.” I stocked. “Anyway... do you... do you like her?”
“Mh...” Twilight didn't answer right away, apparently giving the question real thought. “Well, I don't dislike her.”
I immediately chided myself for perceiving the lack of a more enthusiastic answer as good news, which was both childish and irrational, but I couldn't help it.
“Equestrian is not your native language?”
“Uhm, no. We have thousands of languages in our world. The one we are speaking right now is internationally accepted as universal, for the most part. That's why the show is written in it, and it's why I know it.”
“Did you say thousands?”
“Yea.”
“How many people live in your world?”
“Uhm...” I bit my lip. “Around seven billion.”
Twilight's eyes widened. “You didn't mention that. I had no idea.”
“I forgot.” I smiled crookedly. “Yeah, our world is big. Big and chaotic.”
“Seven billion,” Twilight restated in awe. “The cultural diversity must be enormous. And the creative output... with the communication methods you described, if so many different people share and combine their ideas... so many different places from which you can draw inspiration... it's unimaginable.”
“Well, only a relatively small part of all people actually have access to this kind of communication. Although this number is growing rapidly. But yeah, the creative output is enormous. Basically, there is more of everything than you can ever consume. I'm... not saying Equestria is superior in every way. There are a few pieces of art which I'm going to miss for sure.”
“Like what?”
“Music, mostly. And... some movies.”
“Yes, I imagine Equestria might not compete there. But you might also discover new things.”
I hesitated. “Maybe. We're digressing though.”
Twilight smiled vaguely. “Well, every time you tell me something new, you touch on something else which jumps out to me. You already know a lot about Equestria, but I know nothing about your home, except what you're telling me. And you're the first pony in recorded history to come from another world.”
“I am?” For some reason, hearing this surprised me. I was past the point where I considered my own world to be 'more real' than Equestria – just because we had a show about it didn't mean we invented it. Based solely on the existence of magic in this world, it might even be reasonable to consider Equestria as the 'original' world, and everything I had known to be merely the creative offspring of someone living here. Although, it was hard to believe that someone would just come up with something so complicated and multilayered out of nowhere. In fact, the higher complexity might itself be a reason to assume originality – or did I just think that because I was used to reality being more complicated than fiction?
Was it arrogant to even put both worlds on the same level? After all, I had been called to Equestria, not Twilight to our world. Didn't that paint a clear image of what was more real? And how could our world even be more original when the mechanics of this world were in clear contradiction with mine, but not vice versa? Unless you presumed the existence of god in some capacity or another, which would in turn put literally everything into the realm of possibility.
“Are you there?”
“Uhm...” I blinked. “Yeah, yeah, you were just saying that there are vague reports of creatures which seemed to be foreign and unknown at that time, but that most historians don't think it's likely for any of them to really be from an alternate dimension or world. I am naturally gifted at multitasking.” I added with a slight grin.
“So... I was thinking about which or our two worlds... came first, so to speak. When I first came here, I instinctively assumed that my world must have come first, but now... I'm starting to believe that the opposite is more likely.”
Twilight nodded. “Yeah, I've been thinking about that too. I don't see a way for your world to have created ours... unless you are misinformed about the existence of magic.”
“That's...” I stocked. I was going to say 'impossible', but I couldn't. Celestia knew there were enough stories out there about magic existing in secret. I had always been convinced that these were nothing but fiction, but now that I was forced to accept the existence of supernatural elements, all of these convictions seemed to crumble. If magical talking ponies were real, why not other universes too?
Though, I still had never witnessed any supernatural occurrences in my world. If I was pulled form here, my world might still operate under the same laws of nature which I had always believed in.
“Do you... do you think our two worlds are... alternate universes? Like, separate realities?”
Twilight coughed in an untypically derisive manner. “Of course not.”
“No?”
“Nah. There are no 'separate realities', just shortcuts to different places in reality. If your world exists, it's just far away.”
Out of everything Twilight had told me so far, this was the first thing which I found myself doubting. Didn't it contradict with modern physical theories, which, if she was right, had to apply to both worlds equally? But I knew my knowledge of physics to be far too limited to make an argument, so I didn't say anything.
“They might also exist separately. The show in your world and the fact that you two are here is a connection, but it doesn't mean one world has somehow created the other.” She yawned.
“Uh... how late is it?”
“Almost two AM.”
“Oh, uhm...”
“Don't worry, I often stay up late. As you probably know.”
“... yeah.”
“You don't have to feel guilty about it,” Twilight said, having interpreted my expression correctly. “You don't strike me as the type of pony who would use your knowledge to harm any of us.”
“No.”
“I am quite tired though, so unless you need something else...”
“Actually...” I bit my lip. “Can you... make me something to eat before you go to sleep?”
“Oh.” Twilight hesitated. “Yeah, of course. Uh... I'm not sure what...”
I cringed. Even though Twilight wasn't accentuating the issue in any way, I still felt humiliated.
“...” Twilight's look made it very apparent that she knew how I felt, but she didn't comment on it. “I'll make you a sandwich.”
“Thanks.”
Notably, although many of its ingredients did not go coherent with my past liking, the sandwich was met with unanimous approval from my gustatory nerves. I took this as proof that my tastes had evolved alongside body, which, while not unexpected, was still a relief. Not unlike my current disability to use magic, it was something which could have caused me a lot of misfortune had it ended up not being the case.
Upon finishing, I found myself in the awkward situation of not having any idea what to do next. Up until now, I hadn't really spent any thought on how my everyday life would look like. The things I was good at – character interpretation, programming, Prismata, and pretty much everything which involved logical systems – were difficult to apply in Equestria. Now that I thought about it, I also didn't really have a concrete idea of what most unicorns did for living. Rarity was a dressmaker, which for me was about the most absurd prospect imaginable. Twilight probably spent most of her time reading up on things or practicing magic, which did sound much better, save for the fact that I still wasn't able to do magic.
In any case, I had to find some kind of intellectual activity, otherwise I would hardly ever be good at anything. Twilight had said that I was going to be able to use magic, so it was probably the best to wait until that was the case, and then look forward from there. After all, I hadn't even been here for a day.
For now, I should probably just take a look outside. Although I was utterly helpless against pretty much any sort of threat, something told me that walking around Ponyville at night was about as dangerous as watching Season 5. The only real issue would be finding the library if I went too far away, given the unfortunate fact that my orientation skills were about as developed as my sense for art design.
I was about to open the door when I remembered something. I stocked. A strange and thoroughly unwarranted sense of excitement crept into my chest, inspiring the out of place desire to giggle foolishly. Knowing that I was alone and no-one would ever be able to judge me for it, I followed this instinct, all the while being scrupulously careful not to be too loud. After a few seconds I bit my lip, and gradually sank down against the doorframe.
Then another wave of giggles took hold of me, as I realized the irony of my wholly unearned victory in the little competition between him and me, a competition which I had thought lost shortly after ceasing to help him in it.
I reached up a front limb, attempting to wash the moisture out of my eyes, but winced hard when I reached them. Gosh, my eyes were huge. Even though Ponyville had looked notably different from its cartoon-like counterpart, the body structure of ponies had remained unchanged, save for the fact that you could more clearly make out fur and feathers.
A final wave of giggles was followed by a rather well known sensation of mild embarrassment and the fear of having been watched, but there was no reason to assume so. My smile faded as I began to consider my options more seriously. I could go outside. Or... I could go upstairs. There was no reason to do the latter; both Pinkie and Twilight were asleep... but I also had no reason to ignore the urge to do so, after all, I wouldn't have to justify my decision to anyone.
With my heart beating quickly, I slowly ascended the staircase, careful to be as quiet as possible.
When I rounded the final corner, I still didn't have a clue of what I wanted to do, but that didn't stop me from approaching our shared bed and slowly crawling onto my half. Then I stopped, my gaze fixated on Pinkie's sleeping figure, and I tried to understand how I felt. I knew she had chosen to cancel all contact between us, even gone out of her way to ensure that I wouldn't be able to reach her, almost as if she'd been unaware that simply asking me to leave her alone would have been an easier and more reliable way to achieve the same goal.
Why?
Despite my rather extensive thought about the issue, I had never really asked myself this question. He had turned her against me – he had said so himself – but that alone couldn't be the answer, because Pinkie had been aware of it. 'You're too stupid not to realize that he's an idiot' – that's what I had said to her, right upon our arrival, and she had agreed. Moreover, the both of us had talked about this months before she had broken contact. Back then, she had admitted to have been influenced heavily by him, which was only understandable, after all he had kept talking crap about me while I had never said a bad word about him, so it stood to reason that her image of me must deteriorate over time. It may have been a contest, but one where both players were playing on the same side, because not only had I not tried to manipulate her into liking him less, but I had actually supported him during numerous dissensions between both of them, and done so as best as I could.
However, when had I explained my point of view, not only had Pinkie conceded herself guilty of having treated me unfairly and promised to not believe everything he would tell her in the future, but she had also made it rather apparent that she didn't doubt my sincerity, which had to have lead her to the inevitable realization that mine and his behavior were and always would be universes apart, both in terms of honesty and nobility.
No, she had known how things were. One of my recent finds about psychology was that when people made contradictory decisions concerning things they appeared to ignore, they were much more often doing so despite having knowledge of those things, rather than being unaware of them, which was why Game of Thrones was just about the only piece of fiction which consistently got this right. Alas, there hadn't been anything I had needed to tell her. Even though I still didn't understand her motivations, the crux of the problem must have lain in the emotional aspects of her stance towards me, not in the intellectual ones.
Was it possible that there was no further explanation beyond his countless attempts of talking down on me behind my back? Was it possible that, despite knowing he was wrong, she still had him turn her against me all the same? Did her mind simply not rule her emotions the same way that mine did, and was this why I had never truly understood it? Had I, with all my attempts to reach objectivity, in the end just been unable to get over my own psychology?
Slowly, kneeling beside Pinkie's sleeping figure, I drove my tongue over my lips, contemplating the strange nature of our conflict. How did it ever come this far? It was so absurd, so unintuitive. Modesty was a trait which I only practiced towards others, not myself, and I knew how large the intellectual contrast between us really was. He was young, unstable, emotional, inconsistent, unaware, and had simply never achieved any sort of intellectual maturity, while I... but it had been my fault, it had all been my fault. Nothing had forced me to develop this insane obsession about making him like me, only to then suffer through a continuing sequence of instances where I was hurt because what I projected onto him didn't seem to match his actual self. Yet, if someone had asked me to interpret his character back then, I too would not have been unaware of what I knew now. I just... I didn't even know. The length to which I had pursued my absurd relationship with him could probably pride itself in being the most baffling decision I had ever made in my life.
I sighed. Fact was, he had achieved more than me, even if he hadn't beaten me half as much as I had beaten myself.
Until now.
Now he was gone.
It was ridiculous. Absurd. The whole affair was a shining example of how the real world was operating without any sense of predetermination or justice, only for it all to be turned around by... this. I didn't really believe there to be more than coincidence to its cause, but that didn't change how it felt to me now.
And it felt right. Right, just, and satisfying.
Immensely satisfying.
A smirk crept onto my face. I still hadn't answered myself the initial question, but I quickly realized that I didn't want to think about it now. Instead, I simply kept sitting there, watching Pinkie's sleeping figure while the minutes slowly crept by. Eventually, I backwards-crawled to the edge of the bed, slid off, and slowly shuffled towards the door.
“Silver?”
I stocked.
“Y-you're awake?” I said, internally slapping myself for this reaction, which was made even worse by the fact that I had instinctively talked English.
A pause.
“No,” she said in German.
“Uhm... I didn't mean to wake you. Sorry.”
“It's impossible not to wake me up when you enter a room. I'm a very light sleeper.” Pinkie turned herself around, causing me to interpret the look on her face as an invitation. Hesitantly, I crawled back onto the bad and kneeled down beside her.
“Silver?”
“Yeah?”
“I'm sorry.”
I gulped, gradually realizing the gravity of these two words. A few days ago, I'd probably have claimed that there was no reason for her to apologize, but now I wasn't sure anymore.
Did I feel like she had treated me unfairly?
A knot was forming in my throat as I gave myself the answer to this question. Yes. Yes, I did. I had neither expected nor demanded an apology, but now that I was given one, I did feel that it was justified.
But we both knew that I was going to accept it. Rather than saying anything, I simply leaned forward, barely touching her brow with my lips, but the gesture was clear. Never would I have dared doing this as a human, but as it was, it somehow felt... right.
“Thanks,” Pinkie whispered. And then, even more quietly, “I'm glad that it's you who's here.”
“Now, is that really the truth? You don't have to choose, you know.”
“It's true. I don't want him to be here.” She sighed. “Not really.”
I bit my lip, but I couldn't suppress a smile.
“So, we're friends again?”
At that, Pinkie's expression strongly reminded me at Twilight's at the end of Magic Duel.
“Of course. We've been through so much together, that binds.”
I giggled, recognizing her reference. “But this time, don't stop being my friend weeks after you say that.”
“I promise.”
She pulled me closer. Carefully, I lay down beside her, taking her into a gentle embrace, amazed by how naturally it all came together. She was shorter than me; I hadn't noticed this until now, but it fit her well.
“I'm glad you two are getting along.”
I winced hard. Both Pinkie and me jerked back at once as if caught by something intimate, even though our little moment had been purely platonic.
“Sorry,” I said with short breath. I had completely forgotten that Twilight was sleeping only two meters away from us. “I didn't mean to wake you up.”
“Nothing to apologize for.” It was rather apparent that our reaction wasn't what Twilight had expected. “I need five seconds to perform another sleeping spell. I didn't mean to startle you.”
“Not your fault. I'm just not used to show affection... especially not in front of others.”
Beside me, Pinkie giggled, accompanied on my end by a strangely pleasant sensation of embarrassment. Twilight yawned, then smiled. “Well, good night.” Her horn lit in its usual fashion, and a few seconds later, she was sound asleep once again.
I looked at Pinkie. Both of us giggled.
“Are you still tired?” I whispered.
“Yeah.” Pinkie crawled back under her covers.
Even though I was wide awake, I nonetheless followed suite and snuggled up beside her. Soon, her breathing slowed down and her body went limp in my embrace. I lay awake for much longer, but I didn't seem to become tired or restless.
After all, I was in paradise. Why not just lie there and take a moment enjoy my luck?
Finally, I was convinced that everything was going to work out well.
Author's Note
