Avengers EMH: The Lost Seasons

Chapter 2: Crystal Chaos Part 2

Vision was pleasantly surprised. Like Thor, he had expected the reactions of his fellow Avengers to fall somewhere between a tactical nuclear warhead of the caliber that decimated Hiroshima and the eruption of mount Krakatoa. Their actual responses though, were far more subdued than even his most optimistic of projections.

“This can’t be happening, this can’t be happening, this can’t be happening!” yelled Hawkeye, lying on one of his sides and fuming around in the snow with his legs.

Well, at least most of their responses were. Though, he had correctly expected Hawkeye’s handling of things to be the most negative, and at least it couldn’t get any worse. He was grateful for this, for he was not in the mood to stop an angry Hulk, equinized or no. It truly was a testament to the levels of self-control his gamma-irradiated friend had achieved, and Vision made a note to compliment him later on for such calm in the face of such an… odd situation.

“Pipe down, Cupid. I’m trying to meditate,” said Hulk, laying back first in the snow, his massive, tree trunk like legs hanging limps against his sides and his eyes closed.

Hawkeye screamed towards the sky, his fumbling growing ever more erratic until he managed to get on his back and make a snow angel.

The Wasp, who laid on her stomach with her back against the massive bonfire all of The Avengers were around, lifted her head up and looked at Hawkeye to her right, snow thrown about thanks to his little tantrum caking her face and mane. “Oh calm down, Clint. It’s not like this is the worst thing that could have happened to us. We’re cute little horsies for cryin’ out loud! Do you know how awesome this is? Right, Carol?”

Wasp turned to her left to see her friend struggling to stand-up on all fours, only to plop down face first into the snow in such a way that her now furry butt stuck up into the air.

“Yeah. Awesome,” Ms. Marvel grumbled as she pulled her face out.

“Awsome!? AWESOME!?” Hawkeye craned his head toward Wasp. “Maybe for a couple of little girls like you and Carol—”

“Watch it, Clint. This ‘little girl’ helped keep the Empire state building from tipping over. Twice,” said Ms. Marvel, her voice several loud decibels above an indoor voice, but not quite a yell. At least, not yet.

Hawkeye sighed. “Look, the point is, in case you’ve forgotten, I am a MAN! And as a MAN, I’d rather be a gamma monster like you were than a ‘cute little horsey’! At least you looked tough and intimidating and could crush a person’s spine!”

Wasp shivered, though not from the cold. “Please, don’t remind me.”

“And you know what REALLY doesn’t help things!?” Hawkeye continued, ignoring Wasp. “Listening to the Hulk here make jokes about me now that I look like a little girl’s ‘pwecious’ plushie!”

“When did I make a joke about you?” Hulk asked, still trying to meditate on his back.

“Oh don’t give me that!” Hawkeye said, getting on his right side and facing Hulk.

“How about I give you a fist instead? Will that shut you up?”

Hawkeye’s eyes widened for a bit before his enraged look returned. “Joke’s on you, we have hooves now! And you know exactly what you said! I bet you’re just chucking it up inside!”

Hulk’s eyes opened suddenly and he turned towards Hawkeye. “Yeah. I’m a real bundle of laughs. Ha. Ha. HA.” Hulk bared his teeth and growled, his breath visible in the frigid air, striking Hawkeye in the nose.

Hawkeye didn’t really get to smell if it was nasty or not, for his breathing, as well as his heart, had all but stopped. Even as a pony, The Hulk was far larger and could put the fear of the gamma particle into him. Hawkeye took a gulp, making sure that he had done it in such a way that it was impossible for anyone to see without a microscope and he managed to say, “Point taken,” with his best poker voice.

He turned his head away from Hulk and looked up at the sky, a forlorn look on his face.

For a while, all that could be heard was the howling of the wind.

And then Yellowjacket just had to open his big mouth. “So, anybody know what Hawkeye thought The Hulk said?”

Hawkeye’s eyes became like dinner plates and his pupils shrunk so small, microns were their proper unit of measurement. He looked at the bonfire in between him and Yellowjacket, hoping that he could get a glimpse of him on the other side so that he could plead with his eyes. When he remembered that the fire was much too big for that, he said, “Hank, please oh please oh please, don’t—”

“The name’s Yellowjacket. Just for that, I’m going to take pictures and use them as blackmail when we get back to earth.”

Hawkeye gasped and stuttered out, “But… but… you don’t even have a camera!”

“And you forget that Vision up there is a robot.”

Hawkeye looked up to the android, who floated twenty feet above the fire and looked in the direction Krypto and Thor had flown off to.

Before he could shout at Vision to beg him to wipe the picture of him as an equine out of his memory banks, Wasp asked a question that would have made him freeze even if the portal had spit them out into a tropical paradise. “So… what exactly DID Clink think Hulk said about him?”

“Yeah. I wanna know too,” said Ms. Marvel.

“Good, though, once I tell you, you’ll slap yourselves for not getting it earlier,” Yellowjacket said.

Hawkeye closed his eyes and gritted his teeth. He briefly wondered if he should throw himself into the fire, but decided that taking what he knew was to come like a man, eve if he was one of the sissiest looking things in existence, was the better option. Besides, with his complete lack of motor control, he wouldn’t be able to get to it in time.

“Cupid?” Wasp asked.

Wasp and Ms. Marvel looked at each other before looking at Hawkeye.

“Wait… doesn’t Hulk always call Hawkeye Cupid?” asked Wasp.

“Yeah,” said Ms. Marvel. “What’s changed?”

A couple of seconds later, Wasp’s and Ms. Marvel’s eyes widened as they looked at Hawkeye’s new appendages. They looked at each other again and, with perfect synchronization, said, “Wings! Duh!” They promptly slapped themselves and then began laughing.

Though Hawkeye knew they were laughing at his expense, they weren’t what made him feel like walls of adamantium were closing in on him. That was reserved for the Hulk’s reaction.

“You know—” began The Hulk.

Hawkeye’s muscles tensed. The pain was about to start.

“—I didn’t actually think about you having wings when I called you Cupid. And you know what? I don’t care.”

Hawkeye’s eyes opened up and he looked at the Hulk with confusion. “Really?”

“Just pipe down and let me meditate.”

Hawkeye continued staring at Hulk for a second, then two, and then three. Finally, after the fifth, he sighed and said, “Thanks, Hulk. You know, I take back all the rotten thing’s I’ve—”

The Hulk’s eyes opened and he bellowed heartily into the sky, his laughter mixing in with Wasp’s and Ms. Marvel’s.

“Hahaha! Now you really ARE Cupid!” You’ve got a bow, wings, AND you look femmy!” said Hulk in between laughing.

“Yeah! All he’s missing is a diaper!” said Wasp, in between laughing.

“Maybe he could use his mask!” said Ms. Marvel in between laughs.

At her suggestion, she, Wasp, and Hulk began pounding the snow, the latter two, especially The Hulk, doing so quite forcefully.

It was at that moment that Hawkeye seriously wished he were caught in the self-destructing explosion of the mastermind’s ship.

“Ahhhhh!” he yelled to the sky, once again fumbling wildly in the snow.

*****

As Hawkeye did this, on the other side of the bonfire, Captain America and Black Panther stared into the burning pile of wood before them. Both of them were silent as they had been after Vision explained the situation, after they had gotten over their initial shock, and after Vision dragged all of them close to the fire he had constructed.

Inside though, Captain America, at least, was worried and guessed that this worry showed with each passing moment on his face if what Panther soon said was any indication.

“What troubles you, my friend?”

Captain America sighed, closed his eyes, and a grimace came upon his face. “Blast it.”

“What?”

Captain America opened his eyes and looked at Panther with a smile. “I need to work on my poker face.”

Panther turned toward the Captain. “Well, it has certainly been a long and… ‘interesting’ day.”

“You’re right about that. Still, becoming something right out off a circus petting zoo isn’t what’s eating me, even though I feel almost as emasculated as I did before taking the serum.”

“If you’re not so troubled about becoming a pony, what is the source of your worries?”

Captain America sighed again and looked back toward the fire. “I’m glad we were able to take down the Mandarin and free China. Really I am. He was just as bad as the Traditional Chinese dynasties of old were and the only difference was that he had tech, magic, and monsters they couldn’t dream of.”

“But you are afraid that now that he’s been deposed, the CCP or some spawn of it will rise to power and control China again.”

Captain America nodded. “It’d be a shame if one point three billion people didn’t learn anything from ancient and recent history and deliberately started at square one again, especially after we busted our humps fighting for something better for them.”

“Yes, that would indeed be tragic. But do not worry, Steve. Even before the Civil War, the communists did not exactly share the kind of popular support of Mao and I am certain that now that he is gone, the Traditionalism the Mandarin reawakened will fade as quickly as it came. Our allies may not have an army of superheroes on their side like the JLU, but they certainly have the will, and no shortage of ability.

Panther placed a hoof on Steve’s shoulder. “And they have you to thank for that.”

Captain America grunted in affirmation and a small smile crept upon his face. “Thanks T’Challa. I needed that.” The Captain turned towards the Wakandan Prince. “So…”

Panther pulled his hoof back and Cap could tell he was raising a brow beneath his mask. “So?”

“Well, since I told you what’s bugging me and answered well enough, I figured it’s your turn”

Panther looked at Cap in silence.

After several moments of this, Cap scowled. “Don’t you give me the look I know you are, T’Challa.”

Panther lowered his head and sighed. “You know me too well, Steve. Very well.” He twisted his body around so that his plot was facing the fire. “I will tell you. But first, I think it’d be mutually beneficial if we did something that’d help us through our current situation: namely adjusting to the kinesthetics of our new equine forms.”

Panther then managed to stand on all four hooves with great ease and began hopping in place. Then, after the tenth or so hop, he landed with all of his hooves spread out far from each other against the snow. He brought his legs back to their normal distance apart and began cantering forward.

Panther turned his head around toward Cap, asking, “Coming, my good—” when he suddenly lost his balance. He would have tipped over on his side if not for Cap rushing over and keeping him propped up against his withers.

“Right behind ya, T’Challa.”

Panther nodded and pushed off Cap, getting back a sturdy footing for his hooves. “Thank you. It seems I will have to work on moving forward while looking backward.”

Cap chuckled. “Well, from what I could tell, at least you’ve adapted rather well to being a pony.”

“And you as well. The crouches of the Way of the Panther are good for more than minimizing one’s profile and stealth, it seems.”

Cap nodded. “You got that right. If only we could get the rest of these chuckleheads to even stand up straight.” He put a hoof to his chin and looked thoughtful. “Speaking of which—”

Captain America turned toward Iron Man, who lay unmoving in his suit if power armor to his right. “Hey, Tony!”

Iron Man didn’t budge or show any sign that he head Cap’s voice.

“I think it’s best if the team gets off their furry butts and starts getting used to being heroes by moving around the fire!”

Again, no response came.

Captain America looked worried and craned his head at Panther. “T’Challa, have those cat-like ears of yours heard anything coming from inside that suit after Vision dragged everyone near the bonfire?”

Panther shook his head. “Perhaps he is sleeping? After all, I’d imagine waking up as a fairytale creature whom young girls would pester their parents to buy would be particularly hard on him.”

“Even still, it wouldn’t have hurt for him to keep his armor’s speakers on so we could hear him snore and know he’s okay or something.”

He walked towards Iron Man and tapped his shield, which hung to his right fore-leg by its strap, right against the equinized face plate of his armor. Cap made sure to be gentle, as even with the smallest forces, his shield cause dents in even the proprietary allow Iron Man used in his armor.

“Tony, can you hear me?”

When silence was all he got again, Cap sighed. “That’s it. That face plate is coming off.”

He reared his right fore-leg back, his brain calculating the precise force it’d take to break through the face plate without accidentally overshooting and cracking Iron Man’s skull when his voice cried out with, “Cap! Wait!”

The Captain was inches away from landing his first strike when he heard this. Fortunately for Iron Man, his reaction time was absurdly high and he managed to stop just centimeters away from making contact.

Captain America smirked. “So, you are awake.”

“Yes, yes! Wide-awake! VERY wide awake!”  Iron Man yelled.

“So, you heard what I said?”

“Yes! Every word!”

Satisfied, Cap pulled his shield away and backed up. He raises a brow. “Well?”

Iron Man sighed. “Look, just… give me a minute, okay? U need a bit more time to… mentally adjust.”

Cap nodded. “I understand. It’s a lot to take in. Still, when me and Panther come around, I want to see you either on your feet—errr—‘hooves,’ or trying.”

Captain America then turned to regard Yellowjacket. “You got that, Yellowjacket?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Yellowjacket said, lying with his eyes closed on the snow with his forelegs behind his head like a pillow and a smile on his face. “I’ll be standing or trying when you and Panther get back. Just let me listen to the sweet sound of Hawkeye’s lamentation for a little while longer.”

Yellowjacket began singing a merry little tune to himself.

Captain America looked toward Panther who merely shrugged his shoulders.

“Alright then.”

With that, he and Black Panther began their cantering circuit around the bonfire.

*****

“Pointless, but, amusing. I’ll grant your wife this: she certainly managed to strip away a larger percentage of my throne’s shields than anticipated. It was still not anything they could couldn’t recharge from in only a few seconds, but let it not be said I do not give praise when it is due.”

Shining could barely focus on these words his shock was so great. Cadence had just hit Thanos with a beam of force and heat that would have given Celestia herself pause if not kill her, and yet here he still was, boasting about how such an onslaught hadn’t even done enough damage that couldn’t be fixed practically right away.

He wanted to ask Thanos just what kind of monster he was, but he feared that, whatever the answer, it wouldn’t be good for him, the empire, and the rest of Equestria if this guy could shrug off attacks like that and wanted his hands on the Crystal Heart.

So, being a good ruler, he turned to the lieutenant and yelled, “Flash!”

“Yeah!?” Flash yelled back.

“Take Cadence to the Castle and get everypony in the city to hold up in it!”

Flash gave Shining a look and tried pushing a hoof into his ear-canal as though it were full of wax. “Ummm… dude!? Can you speak up!? My ears are still ringing and I thought you said to take Cadence to the Castle, get everypony inside, and—”

Shining seethed and roared out, “You heard right, Flash!”

Flash’s eyes widened and his throat, already parched from all that happened, became all the drier as his jaw dropped yet again. “But, Shining… dude… I can’t just leave you here with this—”

The aura of Shining’s magic formed around Flash’s neck and brought his face only an inch away from Shining’s.

“That’s an order, lieutenant! Do what I say or so help me, if we get out of this, I’ll make sure you’re demoted to private and scrubbing latrines for the rest of your career as a Royal Guard! Do I make myself clear!?”

Flash gulped and looked like he had just seen the ghost of Commander Hurricane herself yelling at him up close. Despite his fear, both of Shining and of having to explain his nigh probable death to Cadence, a look of grim determination was on his face. He raised a hoof to his forehead and saluted. “Yes, sir!”

Shining nodded. “Good! Take care, dude!” He let go of Flash and bro-hoofed with him.

Flash promptly dropped Cadence over his back, casting a worried look at Shining before taking off at full speed to the Crystal City.

Shining watched his bro and his wife become specks on the horizon when the deep, baritone laughter of Thanos made him turn to face the Minotaur with the most irate scowl he had ever made in his life. “What’s so funny?”

Still chuckling, Thanos said, “Nothing, save for your misplaced sense of martial ability, my good prince. Honestly, most entities would have fled after witnessing what I could withstand, and I sincerely doubt you can match your wife’s destructive capacity.”

Shining’s horn glowed. “Looks can be deceiving.”

“Perhaps,” Thanos said, resting the side of his head on a fist. “Show me that you are not in error.”

Shining lowered his head, his horn aimed straight at Thanos’s black heart. He pawed at the ground. He snorted, hot air and mucus spewing forth. Then, with a whiny that would have made the wild ancestors of all equine-kind proud, he reared up on his hind-legs, and when his fore-legs touched ground, he galloped full speed ahead toward Thanos.

The Minotaur bellowed in laughter. “Oh, surely you jest!”

In truth, Shining was. More accurately, he planned on faking Thanos out. Though Thanos had done a terrible thing beyond Shining’s capacity to forgive and threatened worse things to come, his fury had not overwritten his sense of strategy and tactics.

Though his shield spells rivaled that of the Royal Sisters and his energy beam spell was only a short ways behind that, he knew he’d hurt himself trying to make a beam as powerful as the one Cadence had, for all the good it would do against Thanos.

Instead, he was going to teleport right before he struck Thanos, just as Twilight had told him she had done when facing off against Nightmare Moon by herself in Everfree Castle. His planned destination was a mountain peak north of the plateau from which he expected to lead Thanos away from the Crystal City. Shining didn’t know if he could teleport such a distance and then keep doing so with Thanos on his tail, but he knew that unicorns could travel greater distances than usual with such spells when pressed. For him, his love of country, subjects, and his wife would be enough to accomplish such a feat. It had to be.

At least, until Thanos and his throne suddenly lurched backward and landed a good ways away right into the side of the very same peak Shining was going to teleport to.

He was stunned, so much so that he lost balance as he charged, tripped, and slid painfully along the ground until he came to a complete stop right where Thanos had been a few moments earlier.

“Ahhh…” he groaned, getting back to his hooves. The light at the tip of his horn now gone, Shining shook his head clear of dizziness and scratched his mane. “Did… did I do that?”

“Nay, good prince. T’was I.”

Shining’s eyes widened at the unexpected response and he turned around to find some muscular, armored, helmeted, monkey looking thing without fur besides its blond mane and eyebrows, wearing a red cape and floating in the air without visible wings of any sort. To his left was a dog, also floating without any wings that Shining could see, was a large hound with fur as white as Shining’s and with a red cape of its own.

The blond monkey looking thing held out its right palm and Shining couldn’t even blink before a blur whizzed above his head and into said creature’s hand. Shining could see that the blur was a grey hammer of some kind wrapped in brown leather and with an attached strap.

Well, those were three more things he hadn’t expected to see when he got out of bed that morning.

When the muscular monkey thing spoke with the voice he had just heard, Shining wondered if he was still in bed, dreaming.

Or worse…