Chapters It was a standard issue Friday. Nothing special about that day, but that was to be expected. This story does not pertain to that day but to a young boy. This boy was what was truly extraordinary. The day of the week changed on a constant basis, very inconsistent, as any Monday may be better than any Thursday, any Wednesday can triumph over a Tuesday, and where even Saturday and Friday are in a deadlock for best day some weeks, just as soon as one claims victory over the other. Similar as to how months and numbered days bare no specific importance. Some numbered days may appear to bare great memories, but the day holds no such memory. No numbered day remembers your first date. No numbered day remembers your first kiss. Indeed, no numbered day holds any memory of anything great; instead, it sits and takes the place of such great memories. For this reason, that Friday bared no specific detail, other than a reference point. This day, numbered the 20th of January, holds no importance. This is merely a time slot in which a miraculous event takes place, starting with a young boy. A short and scrawny boy with no real strengths at first glance. He was of a darker complexion, enough so that people knew he wasn't pure Caucasian. Not only was his hair an awkward blonde, it was also curly. This stood out against his dark skin. No one knew of this boy's real decent, not even the young boy. All anybody knew was that this boy went by the name of Robert.
The Friday of January 20th seemed like a standard day to Robert. His morning routine carried on with no disruption. He woke up, got out of bed, showered, brushed his teeth, got his school work together and left for high school. This was his usual routine... but alas, it was not. He noticed how easily he got out of bed that morning. He also took notice to how ready he was for school. The more young Robert thought about this, the more he realized how the morning was not just another morning. Normally, he would not simply get out of bed, but lazily drag himself around instead. Normally, he would not ready himself, but quite the contrary; he would usually hide his books from himself in order to excuse himself from being at school on time. This day, he was ready, almost excited for school, as if by some miracle all of his social problems were null. This was not the case. As Robert approached the school, he could hear that familiar voice shouting from afar.
"HEY! BOBERT!"
The call of that name alone would alert Robert that there was no turning back now. As soon as he heard that particular name, called by that particular voice, he knew that the rest of the day would be no different. He started to beat on himself, thinking that this day would be any different from any other day. So what if his morning wasn't normal? Normal wouldn't be the word to describe someone such as Robert anyways. What does normal even mean? If by normal, people mean the average, then most people are nowhere close to average. A large percentage of the world is Chinese, so can anyone who isn't Chinese also be classified as abnormal? If we're all different, then why do people focus on normality? If it isn't bad enough that your social life depends on a society based "normal," your professional life is also at risk. For the first couple years of your life, you're taught that everyone is different, that no two people are alike. For the following 12 - 18 years of your life, you're confined to a prison having someone else's ideals shoved down your throat, the same as the person next to you. The same as everyone else, for that matter. This may have been a large part of why Robert hated school so much. The hypocrisy of it drove him mad, but this was just fuel to the fire. The initial spark came from another source. A source that is intent on making Robert's life a living hell. A source that stays with him in his thoughts at all times. A source that insisted on calling him "Bobert."
"HEY BOBERT! OVER HERE!" The voice insisted. The voice belonged to Billy Alexandre, a man so big that his height is only second to his ego. Every morning, Billy would look forward to picking on poor Robert. Ever since a teacher called Robert by the name of "Bob," Billy has yet to address him by any name that is not "Bobert." It almost seemed as though he gained some sort of satisfaction by calling Rob a name that wasn't truly his. It was as if Billy was given a reward of some sort every time that Rob responded to this false title.
"What? What do you want from me?" Robert finally replied. He usually ignores Billy, but this time was different. Maybe this day truly was different than the others, as if such a disrespecting reply warranted Robert some sort of freedom away from the clutches of society that grasped so firmly on to his life. As if, by actually communicating on the basis of free will, all of a sudden he could force his problems away. Alas, this was not the case, as Billy started to advance towards Robert.
"What do you mean by that?" Billy said. "I just wanted to have a conversation with my little buddy Bobert. Is that a crime? What kind of person are you to judge me before I’m even near you? With the evidence that was given, I was just looking for a friendly talk, yet you don't seem to think that way. What would cause such tension between us?" This series of questions was asked in a very sarcastic manner. Robert and everyone around him knew damn well that Billy was not a person of peace, but one of violence and hate. Billy had no reason to be friends with Robert, so he used him as a punching bag, both verbal and physical. Billy put his arm around Robert. "What could I have possibly done to cause you to react in such a way?"
Robert pulled away. "Why would you ask? Do you get off on hearing the violence that was caused by your hand?" Robert was angry, and he was showing it. At this point, he realized what he had just done. He had just started war with the largest bully in school. This is the first time that Robert had ever spoken up for himself, but as quickly as the words left his mouth, he wondered if he would ever live long enough to speak those words again. He was fearful for his life. What have I done? I'm not even at school yet and I’ve already started a fight! Why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut?
Billy's face began to redden, as if he had been slapped from every angle. Due to the size of his ego, someone actually standing against him may just have been the equivalent. Billy was noticeably angry at this point. He was ready to snap, be it metaphorically or literally. At that moment, Rob didn't know whether Billy would snap mentally or snap Rob's spine, but seeing as both options would turn out terribly for him, he tried to get away from the situation. This was a moderately effective plan, as he got away, but would later have to deal with a raging building with legs. Seeing as how Rob was safely away from him at the moment, he didn't worry himself any more than he had to.
Robert finally made it to school. This was probably the first time that he was glad he was at school, but as he learnt earlier today, there's a first time for everything. He was focusing more on surviving the day rather than math home work that he didn't do. He didn't even care about his classes anymore, just so long as he was away from Billy, he could be in the middle of the ocean as far as he cared. Robert finally took his first step onto the school property and noticed something odd. His homeroom teacher, Mr. Deadlok, and his math teacher, Mrs. Horton, were conversing by the main office. Mr. Deadlok noticed Robert, and slowly approached him.
"Me and Mrs. Horton were just talking about you. We've noticed that your grades are slipping. How are things at home?"
Well, my parents left for vacation--five months ago--everyone in school hates me, I may die later today, I will have to live my life in this flawed system you people call a country and to top it all off, I'm apparently failing school! Robert thought to himself. He of course would never have the courage to tell this to a teacher, especially not Mr. Deadlok. "OK. Nothing abnormal." There is that damn word again! Mr. Deadlok’s face was a curious one, but he ended up just shrugging it off.
"If you need anything, anything at all, we're here to help." said Mr. Deadlok. This was not an amusing morning for Robert. First, he started a fight with the largest kid in school, then he found out he was failing, and now the teachers thought he needed counselling. As if the teasing and tormenting of the kids wasn't bad enough, the teachers pity him. Be there no one to think him a decent being? Robert began to slowly walk to homeroom, all the while being crushed by a compilation of depression, sorrow and fear. He made sure to walk at a much different pace than Mr. Deadlok, as they shared a destination, yet lacked a wanting to communicate. Robert wanted to converse with his teacher about as much as he wanted to confront Billy.
Robert made it to homeroom without any physical confrontation with Billy. He celebrated his small victory as much as he could before he realized that Billy was in his last period class. Robert set this thought aside, as thinking about his fated death was not of real importance at that moment. His main priority was to bullshit his way through the day ‘till he could get home and lie in his bed for no predetermined amount of time, as soon, it would be Saturday. Saturdays were great days for Robert as this meant no school and thus, no forced meetings with anyone. Nothing had to be done on Saturdays. Unfortunately for him, that day would be further away than previously imagined. The day's wait would be long and unfruitful. Robert had no idea of what adventure awaited him, all he knew at that moment was that the kid sitting beside him needed a breath mint quickly, or even just a Haz. Mat. suit would suffice.
The school that Robert attended had a weird way of teaching students. It was more experimental, but was designed to keep morale high. The classes for the week were chosen at random, so it was all luck of the draw. Homeroom was different in the way that it was just five minutes every day before school to tell everyone their current status, if there was a schedule rearrangement or even just to say "Good luck on not dying today!" Robert saw this as fairly useless as they might as well have just kept classes in the same time slot every week and just avoid the confusion overall. Robert abandoned the idea almost as quickly as he adopted it. He knew that there was no room for change.
Robert had been sitting and staring at the wall for what felt like 10 minutes before Mr. Deadlok actually made it to the classroom. What felt like an eternity actually turned out to be less than a minute. As Mr. Deadlok entered the room, he and Robert made awkward eye contact, as if to telepathically say something to object to each other's presence. Though Mr. Deadlok appeared to care about the well being of Robert, he truly did not. He did what he had to do to make himself look good in front of the other teachers. If he had it his way, he would probably beat Robert. This feud between teacher and student started as Robert had many ideas the year before, such as a political cube instead of a political spectrum. Mr. Deadlok would pass these ideas off as his own to other teachers. Robert found out and completely outed him in front of everyone, and Mr. Deadlok had a temporary suspension from his job while he was examined for competence as a teacher. After a week, the board found him fit for a teacher. Ever since then, the anger they felt for each other had only built up like a tower of rage.
After Mr. Deadlok dismissed the class for first period, Robert ran to his math class. Normally, Robert hates math, but nothing else is going to plan today, maybe he'll end up being a math genius for the day. When Robert finally made it to math class, he sat down in his seat. He was the first one there. This had never happened before, noticeable from Mrs. Horton's startled reaction.
"This is a first. You're normally late or you don't even show up. Why all of the sudden? What did Mr. Deadlok tell you? Did he threaten you?" She said in a playful manner. Robert almost took offence to this, saying that a threat would be required for him to actually care about his academics, but then he realized how close it was to the truth.
"No threat, at least not today." Robert responded. Mrs. Horton knew of the ongoing conflicts between them, but tried to stay out of the matter. In turn, Robert would keep her out of as many arguments as possible. Mr. Deadlok would try to bring others into their fights, but Rob would do his best to keep the fight between them.
"Well, that's good to hear, for the most part." she said. Other students began to flow into the classroom and the room slowly began to fill up. The class carried on as normal once the bell rang. Five minutes into the period, Robert knew one thing for sure—he was definitely not a math genius. The more equations Mrs. Horton wrote on the board, the more distant Robert's mind became. As much as he tried, his mind refused to stay on the topic of quadratics and insisted on focusing on how 4th period marked the end of his existence.
The remainder of math class was a blurry mess. Rob had no sense of time at this point. There was no practical differentiation between hours, minutes and seconds, as far as Robert’s distorted perception could tell.
Time seemed to implode with a large glop. Robert had no knowledge of when math ended, or how he even got to his next class. All he knows is that he woke up in the middle of history. His teacher was very displeased. He supposedly passed out in the middle of one of her famous lectures. Seeing this as a sign of disrespect, she sent him to the office with a detention.
When he got to the office, he noticed one kid already sitting there. He appeared pretty normal, not like anyone that would be in the office for disrupting class. Then again, Robert knew not to think using normalcy anymore. For all Rob knew, this kid could have stabbed Mr. Deadlok. Robert somewhat wanted to believe this to be true. As much as he wanted this to be true, he knew that there was no way that life could turn up that easy for him. There was no way that fate would allow for one of his main tormentors to lose the ability to ruin his life. Rob knew that if he were to kill Mr. Deadlok, he would have to do it himself. He sat there, pondering various ways to kill his teacher, but in the end, decided against it. Rob abandoned the idea and went to sit down. Before he had the chance, the principal called "Greg" into his office. The other kid, presumably Greg, got up and walked into the principal's office. Robert sat and wondered all of the possible things that Greg could have done. Maybe he told off a teacher. Maybe he was caught sneaking in the girl's locker room. No matter what it was, judging by the sound coming from the office, Rob knew it wasn't good.
When Rob was done worrying about Greg, he thought about his own issues. Why am I still even here? I could leave right now and I wouldn't have to explain myself till Monday, by then I can think of a great excuse. What are they gonna do, call my parents? Besides, I'll only be missing one day of music and gym. It's freaking music and gym, and this way, I get out of dealing with Billy. At this point, Robert had made up his mind to leave school mid-day; it was just a matter of before or after his meeting with the principal. He eventually decided to leave after the meeting, as he did not want his last human interaction for three days to be awkwardly staring at a guy named Greg, wondering if he killed your homeroom teacher.
After what felt like five minutes, Greg left the principal's office, and just bee-lined for the door. Robert figured that either the principal went all out on him, or he just really needed to pee. Both options seemed just as plausible. Then the door opened once more, except this time, the voice called for Robert. He went to the door, and ZAP! A large jolt of static electricity decided to unleash its full potential to the door knob, violently shocking Robert. "OW, FUCK!" shouted Robert. As soon as the words left his mouth, he immediately regretted the decision. The principal, furious at this point, yelled at Robert to sit down in a chair.
"First , you disrespect a well honoured teacher, now you are shouting obscenities in my office? I should have you suspended from school for your recent behaviour!"
That's an option?
"Not to mention your failing grades! Now look, though it may seem that the world is against you, we are here to help you. We will try to help you in any way that we can, but you have to be willing to help yourself first. This attitude has got to go!" The principal raged on. Robert wasn't really listening to him, but instead was wondering if Greg had this kind of treatment. What kind of things did Greg do? Where did he come from, where did he go? After a while of thinking about a completely random stranger and drowning out what ever garbage the principal spewed out at him, the principal had actually asked Robert a question. "What will you do differently? What changes can I expect to see?"
"I will be more responsible..." ...By choosing to leave before I have to deal with you. "...By paying attention in class, being more respectful of my teachers and being more aware of my surroundings before I carelessly swear." Robert didn't believe a word of what he was saying. This was just a way of getting out of his office and back home without making a scene. The principal did not really care for Robert's false commitments, but saw no point in keeping him further. After a very short period of useless interrogation of whether Robert meant what he said or not, the principal decided to finally just let him go back to class.
As Robert had already planned, he was not going to History, or any other class for that matter. He wasn't even going to stay for lunch. He had already made his mind to leave the school grounds and return home before anyone had the chance to stop him. Be them teacher or student, no one would get in the way of Robert's escape from this prison. As soon as he left the office, he headed straight for the school's main entrance. The halls were completely deserted. This was very profitable as there was no one to delay his travel back home. As soon as he stepped outside, he noticed how oddly bright it was on that day. It was an overall beautiful scene, as there were many evergreens with a thin layer of snow that brightly twinkled as the Sun's rays refracted through the crystalline structured ice fragments scattered about. Robert hesitated to move at first as to not destroy the scenery, but then realized that the longer he stayed, the more likely it was for someone to see him. He looked away before he moved so that he would retain a small mental image.
On his way home, Robert had many thoughts. Why are we forced into a school system anyways? It goes against teachings and great men's words. At this point, it would seem logical to fix something that is claimed to be broken, but it would be too much work. Too much money. Why does money even exist? What makes painted sheets of cotton so damn valuable? Are they a physical form of work accomplished by a person? If THIS is the case, then it certainly isn't working, as money can easily be stolen, withheld and can even be printed. Money may not even hold this purpose. Maybe it exists to keep the rich separate from the poor. Maybe this is all entertainment for government. What makes one person better than another? It would seem to be how easy one can live, which comes back to the money issue. What if money were just to be abolished completely? What if there was no money, and people could just live as they please? But if people could do as they please, this would allow for rebellion. This new society would have to be filled with people of a pure mind. People who will do what it takes to continue to survive. People who would do many tasks, not because he fears electricity bills going unpaid, but because he knows that he has no electricity bill to pay. Robert's thoughts were stuck on this topic for the majority of the way home. He would think of a topic at random and start to argue with himself, seeing if he could come up with a solution. Robert did this a lot, as there weren't many people who he could talk to. Talking to himself seemed to be a fine supplement, as he knew his thoughts and knew there would be no miscommunication with himself.
As Robert neared his home, he continued to think about a perfect society where there was no currency. A society in which all who belong receive the right to live with basic food and shelter. I guess that would make me a communist. No, for communism sees all as equal. All people are different, so why should everyone be treated the same? No, I reject that thought. That is the same thought which drives the tremendously flawed system that is known as the "School Board." Accepting pure equality into their society makes a leader blind or hungry. What would be needed is equal opportunity. Where one man has the same potential as any other, but not the same path. Where a man is seen as anyone else is, but has a possibility to be like no one ever was. As he neared his house, his thoughts became more scattered and less profound. As he walked up his driveway, he thought to himself What if monkeys could fly? How awesome would that be? Flying monkeys... He thought about many things, some great thoughts, and other more abstract. Of all thoughts he had, only one of them had managed to actually bring about a reaction. A thought so filled with meaning that it brought about a physical response. The Game. "FUCK!" Robert screamed aloud as he stood outside his door.
Robert opened his door softly and with care, as if it were made of glass. He closed the door, locked it, and threw his keys in the middle of the entrance hallway. He always threw them on the ground with the mentality that if he stepped on them on his way out in the morning, he most surely would not forget them. To that day, he had not forgotten his keys once. As he made his way to his bedroom, he noticed he had yet to eat lunch. Robert changed his destination from his bedroom to the kitchen.
When he made it to the kitchen, he went to the cupboard to pull out some canned spaghetti. He pulled off the metal can's top, cut his finger, swore, threw out the lid and then sat down to eat it. He didn't microwave the dish even though it said to do so on the can's label. Not once had he ever heated it up, and he never planned to do so. He figured that if it didn't kill him the first thousand times, it wouldn't kill him to eat precooked food once more. While he sat, eating his lukewarm spaghetti, he began to think about whether or not he should have gone with ravioli. After mild pondering, he later accepted his fate to finish his can of non-ravioli. As he got up, he noticed that he had made quite a mess with his lunch. He had spilt a bit of the spaghetti sauce on his shirt, which he promptly licked afterwards. The stain wasn't truly gone, but it was good enough for the time being. He decided to wash it later with the rest of his clothes. For now, he was free to do whatever he wanted. He quickly realized that his options were very limited as there wasn't much to do. He decided to go to his room to take a nap or figure out something better to do along the way.
As he made his way to his room, he passed the guest room. He stopped mid way to his destination to lie down on the soft bed and think to himself. This bed is much softer than mine. Why don't I just take this room? Meh, it doesn't have as much space as mine. I don't really like this colour, either. I wonder what this room would be like if it were a more vibrant colour. I would just need to paint it a nice blue or even a brighter brown. But then again, it may lose its feeling. This room has a certain feeling about it that painting it a different colour may destroy. Would painting it even be worth it? Is it really the colour that would make the room? If the room is a bad room, its colour won’t change that, but what if a room is defined BY its colour? Wait, why am I going on about a room colour? I don't even like this room, I just want the bed. I'll probably swap the mattresses tomorrow. And at that thought, Robert got back up to his feet, walked out the guest room, and carried on to his bedroom.
When he finally made it to his room, he noticed that he now had time to finally work on his book. This was an on and off project that he had struggled to make. He had only made one complete chapter, but now that he had some free time on his hands, he decided to make some progress. His book was about two orphans named Blaze and Raelyn growing up together. They would start to date after a couple years, and eventually get engaged. Due to an accident where Raelyn stepped on some broken glass, Blaze rushes her to the hospital. While they do some blood work to make sure she has no infections, they find that she has two brothers and two sisters, but one of the brothers turns out to be Blaze. Robert had this idea for many years, but only recently had he begun to scribe this tale. He sat down at his computer and began to type what came to mind:
The next morning, we all gathered for breakfast. Raelyn and I had been sitting next to each other, due to the fact that everyone else hated us for unknown reasons. As I feared, she noticed the large wound. I didn't want to tell her what really happened, in fear that she would be mad at me for being violent, but I knew I'd be madder at myself if I lied to her. I tried to tell her, but no words were coming out. I didn't want to tell her because she was the only person who was nice to me, yet I wanted to tell her because it'd be worse on me if I didn't. Before I could say anything, she noticed that the boy who hit her wasn't at breakfast. She asked where he was, but all I could do at that point was look at the floor. She looked at me in disbelief and I could read her emotion. She asked, "Did y- did you really?" I nodded. I made sure she got the real story and not some bull crap forged by rumours. I braced for impact, I tensed up, expecting her to hit me, punch me, tackle me, and I was preparing for worse. I could take a hit, especially one from Raelyn, but what I was bracing myself for the most was her to hate me. Even if she left a bruise, that would heal. If she hated me too, I didn't know what I would do.
That was enough writing for Robert. He was pleased with the amount of work he got done and the effort he put into his book, so he decided to go play a video game instead. He loaded up his Nintendo 64 and put a "Super Mario 64" cartridge into the console. This was one of his more common hobbies, as not only could he truly say that he had accomplished something, but it also distracted him from reality. He would repeat the slide challenges many times, as those were his favourite levels. He truly rejoiced as he beat any levels that took place under water, as he found those ones to be especially difficult. After collecting about 6 power stars, he decided to call it a night and head off to bed. Before he fell asleep, he couldn't help but notice that 7:00 PM was too early to fall asleep. With this notification, he didn't doze off quite yet. He, instead, lay awake staring at his ceiling, letting his mind run unrestrained through any thought that came to mind.
Damn, it's too early to sleep, but too late to go for a walk. I didn't have any dinner today. Oddly, this doesn't bother me. I could go for some pizza, but I am more tired than I am hungry. I'll just deal with hunger tomorrow. I hate it when teachers bitch at you for not having a lunch. There's no point to it, and when you finally DO bring a lunch, "you know you're supposed to heat that up!" Oh, I'm sorry, didn't realize that canned food has 13 different diseases in it that will kill you, unless you slightly nuke it. Because lukewarm precooked food is much worse for you than if you were to zap it with radiation for 3 minutes. It's even better when people show up to school late and get away with it because they were too busy putting make up on. That is hardly an excuse. Why should a girl get time off of school to put powdered plastic on their face when I get sent to the office for passing out? Why do people even bother with cosmetics and apparel anyways? It's clothing! Basic shelter! One of the many necessities for survival. It's like making fun of someone because their water tastes funny. No, not even, because funny tasting water can be anywhere from life threatening to a little bit of minerals in your water supply, meanwhile clothing is individual taste or lack thereof. I care not what I wear, as long as it fits, and why is that so terrible? Why is it deemed bad if you don't wear the same type of clothes as popular people? Popular people wearing clothes... I'm pretty sure they're not wearing clothes more frequently than they are. As if sex in high school is some major to-do thing. I find this completely shameful, as I have to be associated with these incompetent morons who have underage sex, judge others based on clothes, pay no attention when others speak and show complete disrespect for others. Why did I have to be born to such a shameful generation? I wish... I wish... I wish that there was just a large wave of something to cleanse this God-forsaken world. Something that would not kill all, but seed out the weak, the cocky, the disrespectful... something that would truly test someone's abilities. Something like..... A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!
Robert had no idea if he had gone insane, or was just desperate for a way out of this miserable thing he called a life, but he was intent on making sure that some way, if zombies ever came to be, he would be able to survive the whole ordeal while flushing out those who he did not see fit to live. It would destroy all impurities, while still leaving the strong willed and open hearted alive. After the apocalypse, I could then rebuild society. A society with equal opportunity! Robert began to smile widely, noticing how profitable a zombie outbreak would be to him. I could finally get rid of the corruption of this world and instill a new method of government. One with a central power. With one large office that would deal with complicated issues, a smaller section to deal with chaotic outbreaks, where all children would be schooled for free, where there would be little to no industrialization, but orchards and fields instead, where people help each other out of the kindness of their hearts. But alas, be this sleeper's dream or an awoken event, it is not a decision for me to make, but one for me to see.
On that final thought, he slowly drifted off into a slumber. He felt his body sink into the mattress as if it were made of gelatin. He felt his body grow heavier and his mind less focused. He knew not how late it was or even how long he would sleep, but he cared not, for he may deal with his problems tomorrow. He was done and over with today and awaited tomorrow, as, then, his problems would be easier to deal with. As he became less conscious, his mind became more at ease, allowing for less thoughts. Robert lied there about as active in the mind as a carrot. He remained motionless as he allowed all feeling to escape his body.
Except not all feeling left his body. Shortly after he truly fell asleep, he felt a sensation similar to jumping from a plane with no parachute. He felt in a complete free fall toward the ground at a high velocity, wondering if he would survive an impact with whatever ground there may be. Robert felt scared and uneasy as the longer the sensation drew on, the faster his decent became and the harder the impact would be. Terrified at this point, he wondered if there even was a ground. Will there be something to break his speed and end this cycle or will this torturous feeling continue on for all eternity. He prayed for death so that he may end his suffering, but his prayer remained unanswered... until...
He hit the ground with a large THUD and bounced awake. He slowly looked around. This was not the land that he was accustomed to. He briefly looked around, still writhing in pain for the fall, and he noticed that he was no longer in doors. The bright sun blazed into his eyes, making the pain even more intense. He grabbed his stomach to contain the pain, but then later realized that he wasn't hurt in the slightest. Him falling must have just been a dream, but he couldn't say the same for where he was. He took another good look at his surroundings to see if he could recognize where he was. Nothing appeared to be familiar, but he did work out that he may have been in a park. He then looked down to realize that he had no clothes on. How he wound up naked in the park, he had no idea. All he knew at that point was that he needed to find some shelter and something to cover himself up. He found a nearby shrub and dove into it to mask his naked body from the world.
He tried to look around to see if anyone saw him, but there was no one there. Robert was trying to figure out if this was a good thing or a bad thing. In the far distance, he saw a few brightly coloured houses. He could see some activity by them and wondered if he should go ask for help. He later refused to go, as a fully naked guy asking where he was is usually a sign to avoid all contact. So, he decided to helplessly sit in the bushes until someone walked by. In the distance, he noticed what appeared to be some brightly coloured horses. One was pink and the other was orange. Robert almost didn't believe it, but he later figured that there was a parade going on and that their riders left them there while they ate. This still picked at the back of his head as he had yet to see a single person.
"Ummm.... Hello?" The voice startled Robert to the point where he almost jumped out of his shrub. He then calmed down and apologized to the feminine voice.
"I'm sorry, you startled me. What were you say-" Robert lost his voice as he saw what he was talking to. The feminine voice was coming from a cream-coloured horse with a long, curly, dark blue and hot pink mane. The horse also appeared to have three, wrapped, hard candies tattooed to its butt. Robert collected his thoughts and realized that a horse had just welcomed him, and that he had to apologize... to a talking horse. "What... The... Fuck... ”
As Robert became more aware of what was happening, he slowly began to question his own sanity.
"Is there... anything you need help with?" The mare asked keeping her distance. Though she tried not to show it, Robert could tell that she was uncomfortable. Be it the interaction with a human or the fact that he was naked remained a mystery.
"You... are... a talking horse..." Robert replied, slightly twitching. He was beginning to think himself insane as the idea of a colourful, talking horse was just absurd, yet there he was, talking to one. That's it! This is probably a dream... Yeah! THAT'S IT! Just a dream... When do I get to wake up?
"Yeah, I've noticed-well... I'm more of a pony, but the concept is still there. Anyways, it’s nice to meet you. You can call me Bon Bon. What's your name?" The mare asked. She seemed to stop trembling and firm up more, as if a sudden rush of confidence flowed through her body. Despite her best efforts at being courteous, Robert still failed to see the reality of this situation.
"You would know my name... as this is just a dream... Watch, I'll jump out with clothes on and fly away!" Robert yelled, his voice shaking. Still naked, he stood up straight and leaped forward. It was a combination of an awkward jump and a belly flop. Overall, he slid an entire four feet and then he moaned in pain.
“Uh, normally that’s when you would say your name and then we would shake hooves… Your method of introduction doesn’t seem all that effective” Bon Bon said in a surprisingly calm manner. She didn’t seem as nervous about a naked man flying out at her as she was when she first saw him.
Robert started laughing as he lied naked on the ground. He thought of how he JUST LEAPED OUT NAKED IN FRONT OF A TALKING HORSE! He was more scared of the lack of reaction from the cream-coloured horse than the fact that he had no idea where he was. Where exactly is this place? Why are there talking horses? Why does she not really care about me being naked? Do people just roam this place naked? Where are all the other naked people? Thoughts like these shot through Robert’s mind as he lied naked on the ground, laughing.
“Anyways… Is there anything I can help you with or are you good with just flipping out like a fish out of water? Sorry if I seem a bit rude, but I was supposed to meet Lyra—” Bon Bon suddenly stopped. She stared off into the distance as though hoping what she saw was an illusion. This was not the case.
“BONNY!” A voice shouted from a distance. Robert finally looked up to observe what was causing such a ruckus in such an eager manner.
Is that… Oh my fucking god… A GREEN UNICORN?! What the hell is going on?!
“Hey, Bon Bon, we were supposed to meet at the café, why—” The green unicorn finally noticed Robert awkwardly lying down with his back stretched up like he was a seal. “Oh… I see you’ve made a new friend. Why don’t you introduce us?”
“Trust me, I would if I could, but I don’t know who he is… I don’t think he knows who he is…” Bon Bon replied.
“W… what is… why am I… where?” was all Robert managed to get out. He had no ability to say anything else without going insane. The chaos in Robert’s mind grew every second he spent in this… place.
“We’re in the park, silly. Right outside Ponyville. Well, not right outside, but fairly close to… Right outside would be like on the line, but ever so slightly outwards. You know what I mean? Anyways, I’m Lyra, and you must be naked. I know how you feel. We’re all naked… Well, we have a natural coat on… Yours doesn’t seem all that effective in concealing your… erm… Anyways… what is your name? I’m Lyra. I think I already said that. Sometimes I repeat myself. Did I already say that? I don’t know… Sometimes I repeat myself and sometimes I don’t. Do you ever do that? I still don’t know who you are. Who are you? Do you like nachos? Of course you like nachos. Only terrorists don’t like nachos. Are you a terrorist? Considering the fact that you’re sitting naked in a park makes me think that you would be a pretty crappy terrorist…”
“Okay, Lyra, you can shut up now.” Bon Bon said with a harsh tone. “This is no time for one of your little rants, this man looks like he needs help… and some clothes… and maybe a breath mint…”
“I was just trying to keep Ponyville safe from naked flying terrorists that don’t like nachos. DO YOU WANT TO LIVE IN A SOCIETY WITH NO NACHOS?! I rest my case. GUILTY!”
“Well he clearly isn’t flying, and since when do you make up a jury? He should be tried in a normal court with a jury of his peers.” Bon Bon protested. “THAT ISN’T EVEN THE ISSUE AT HOOF! Why is there another human in Equestria? Twilight said she sealed off Yuno.” Yuno? Equestria? What the hell is going on? Why can’t I wake up? How much longer do I have to lie here until I can go home?
“So, human bro dude… Who the hell are you?”
“LYRA!”
“Just trying to get some answers…”
“Why… W-Where… Why…?” Robert managed to say. At this point, he wasn’t being very coherent or compliant. Robert’s thoughts were fixated on returning home.
“Did he break? What do we do with him?” Lyra pondered. “I say we take him to Pinkie’s house. She’ll definitely—”
“Yes, because Pinkie always brings the sanity in people out… Besides, after what happened with the last human, she may not be willing to help him. Poor Pinkie…”
“But Spike had to watch… I feel a bit worse for him. Pinkie is at least a 17 year old mare. Fairly old for a pony, especially with her genes. Spike is just a baby dragon.”
“A WHAT?!” Robert shouted. This had really hit him hard. He was much more startled at the thought of a dragon than he was when he first landed in Equestria. A FUCKING DRAGON?! This place is insane… I NEED TO LEAVE! NOW! Robert had a very nervous look on his face, and he wasn’t even going to bother to try to hide it.
“Yeah…” Lyra answered nonchalantly. “A baby dragon… Wait, you know nothing of where you are? Normally, the humans that show up know everything about us… Sometimes too much… You really don’t know anything about this place do you?”
“THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO SAY!!!” Robert answered. His tone and volume threw Bon Bon back a bit while Lyra held her ground. She didn’t appear to be the type to be sad, piteous or any emotion that isn’t happy, even with a naked human yelling at her.
“Well I know the perfect place for you to get started! Twilight’s house! She’s the one who put the seal on Yuno… Or supposedly put the seal on Yuno… Either way she’ll either send you on your way home… Or she’ll just have to deal with you for screwing up her job. Either way, we have a date to go on. And afterwards… maybe a nice back rub—”
“LYRA!” Bon Bon protested while reddening at the cheeks. “You’re too revealing in front of everypony…”
“You want revealing? One time, Bon Bon had this HUGE—”
“WELL, WE HAD BETTER BE GOING!” Bon Bon said, noticeably changing the subject. “Well, if we’re shipping him off to Twilight’s, then he’s gonna need somepony to show him the way.”
“Oh, I’ll just get Derpy to show him the way.” Lyra offered.
“I don’t think I trust them together…” Bon Bon confessed.
“Why not? What do you think he could do to her?”
“It’s not him to her… I just want him showing up to Twilight’s house in one piece…”
“Too late-HEY DERPY!” Lyra shouted to the heavens. “It’s just a matter of time before she gets here. Now, we shall be off.”
Lyra and Bon Bon took their leave. As Robert lied on the ground confused, naked and a little bit hungry, he began to believe that he was just insane. He had just heard a green unicorn and a frilly horse have a conversation. Did I… When did… WHERE THE HELL AM I?! WHY THE HELL AM I HERE?! WHY WAS I FORCED TO THIS LAND TO HEAR LESBIAN HORSES CONVERSE?! WHY CANT I GO HOME?!
“Hey, you called?” a voice chimed from behind. The voice was indescribable. Just by the soothing tone of the voice it calmed Robert down. The sheer softness of the voice had a playful ring to it, as if belonging to that of an innocent child playing with their friends. This was a voice that Robert had long forgotten as he had no friends to play with or anybody cheerful enough around him to remind him of the pure innocence of a child’s mind.
Robert forgot all about where he was and was more intent on thinking about his childhood. Back when he was young and had friends. Back when he had his parents around. Back when he was happy.
“You’re not Lyra…” The voice spoke again. Robert had to see what spoke in such beauty as to shock him from all his troubles. What Robert knew was that he would regret turning around, but what he didn’t know was that such a simple action as turning around would completely change the course of his life… FOREVER!
When he turned around, he saw her. He saw the origin of that heavenly voice. He snapped.
“WHAT THE HELL?!” He shouted with all his remaining energy. What he saw was a flying grey mare with a long blonde mane and what appeared to be bubbles on her rear end. He noticed one other feature that stuck out very noticeably. Her eyes did not follow the same path.
“I’m sorry; you just don’t really look the part of Lyra. You can still be her if you really want to. Nopony is stopping you. You know what? I BELIEVE IN YOU! BE THE BEST LYRA YOU CAN BE!”
Are all these animals fucking stupid or something? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?! “THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU FREAK!” Robert finally yelled. He didn’t know whether it was because he was frustrated with his situation, whether it was because he wanted to feel the power of what his tormentors felt, or even because she reminded him of a time in his life that he may never regain. Either way, he knew he had gone too far.
“That’s not very nice. Just because somepony is different doesn’t make them a freak.” The flying pony responded. “Look at you. You’re different from me, but you’re not a freak, you’re just different, and being different is nothing to be ashamed of. I may have weird eyes, but I don’t let that bother me. Just gotta keep looking forward... and to the left.” At that, she let out a little laugh. She seemed to have a good sense of humour about her condition.
“I guess… Anyways, Lyra, I guess, said to go to ‘Twilight’s’ house… Wherever that may be.” Robert said with a slightly low tone. This time his voice seemed to have little hope, but more than it previously had. Why is this pony so happy? Does she enjoy being a social outcast?
“OH! TWILIGHT SPARKLE! She doesn’t let me near her house anymore… I just don’t know what went wrong…” The grey Pegasus said with an ever increasingly confused look on her face. The apologetic look in her yellow eyes made Robert curious, but he showed restraint. The main goal was for Robert to get home, and if Twilight could do it, then that’s where he was headed.
“So you know where her house is? Then we’d better get going… I want to get back home as soon as possible.” Robert said in a lighter tone. He had seemed to calm down and have more focused thoughts than before. He was going to need them.
“Okay! I’m Derpy. Derpy Hooves. What’s your name?” The flying grey pony responded in a playful, yet inquisitive, fashion.
“I’m Robert.” He replied.
“Robert… That’s a different name…” Derpy said while motioning him in a direction. “This way to Twi’s house!”
Robert is an odd name? Says the winged pony named ‘Derpy.’
“People used to call me Ditzy Doo.” Derpy continued to talk as she led him to Twilight’s house. “I don’t know why. I’m not very ditzy… I’m more Derpy than I am ditzy.”
“And what is Derpy?” Robert asked with a genuinely confused look on his face.
“I’M DERPY! HELLO! We just met! You don’t seem to have the greatest of memories…” Derpy said in a playful and slightly condescending manner. “HEY LOOK! IT’S PINKIE PIE! HEY PINKIE!” She appeared to be shouting to a pink pony with large and pink fluffy hair.
Wait, didn’t Lyra or Bon Bon or whoever say something about some ‘Pinkie’ and not willing to help people? Crap… What if she attacks me?
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!” The pink pony screamed with all her might while hovering mid-air like a semi-inflated balloon. The scream was so shrill that Robert had thought it may have been able to shattered diamonds. She then scurried away with a speed not physically possible.
Not quite what I expected… But at least I’m alive-maybe… OH MY GOD! I’M DEAD! THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE! Wow… the afterlife is pretty crappy… Being naked-I’m still naked…
“That’s weird… Normally she is really excited to meet new ponies.” The grey pegasus chimed in.
“So anyways… Let’s get me to Twilight’s house or some place with clothes… QUICKLY! I doubt that she would be willing to converse with some naked—”
“HEEEEEEEY!” A voice boomed from behind. Robert turned around to see the same pony, but slightly different.
She’s wearing clothes now?
“I see you be digging my pimping threads!” She said in a cheerful yet awkward manner. “Yeah, I just made these. Normally time would be an issue but sometimes I electrocute myself and I can see my skeleton and time feels all weird and stuff, but I don’t let that stop me from looking my best for my new friend OH MY GOSH WHATS YOUR NAME?! We are going to be great friends, I just know it!”
“I’m… err… Robert? Why are you wearing-”
“WOW! I don’t know a Robert! Now I do! HOORAY! LET’S THROW YOU A PARTY!” The pink pony seemed to be exploding with happiness.
“You two seem to be hitting it off! Pinkie, maybe you should take him to Twilight’s house.” Derpy finally said.
“WHAT?! ARE YOU CRAZY?! ALONE?! NO! NOT AGAIN…” Pinkie shouted similarly to when she first saw Robert. “I can’t, I have to set up the party for big ol’ Robby!” she snapped between terrified and happy-go-lucky.
“Ok then… If you don’t want to, I’ll do it.” Derpy turned to Robert. “Well, it looks like we’re gonna hang out a little bit longer!” she said, turning back to Pinkie. “I guess we should be off. See you around.” She turned back to Rob. “Shall we go then?”
The pink pony galloped away gracefully as if everything in the world was right. “I guess… I would like some clothes first.”
Pinkie came flying back as soon as those words left his mouth. She appeared to be holding a large pile of cloth. “HERE! Put these on… NOW!” Pinkie urged. Robert did as she said and donned the awkward set of clothing. It was clearly not a work of art, as there were very loose area and some areas that squeezed tightly.
These will do for now… “Thank you.” Robert said.
“NO PROBLEMO! As long as you wear clothing you’ll be welcome here.” Pinkie pie sped off.
“So… You good now?” Derpy asked.
“Yeah… To Twilight’s?”
“TO TWILIGHT’S!”
They continued on their way, making occasional small talk.
“So… Do many humans come to… wherever this is? It seems like it…”
“Kinda… It’s more of an every-couple-of-months type of thing… Most people that show up already know a lot about us… They get really creepy… Flutters probably will never confront another human for as long as she lives.” Derpy replied with a somewhat cheerful tone, as if she had no clue what she was talking about, but was glad to say it anyways. “Well, there’s Twilight’s house!” She said while pointing to a tree.
A tree? Really? A tree?
“I’m not allowed in there anymore, so you have to go on alone. Try not to get lost.” The tree at hand was about 13 feet from their current position. Robert had to try to think of a way to get lost. “Well, I should be off. GOOD BYE TALL MAN!” She said while flying away in what appeared to be no specific direction.
Robert went up to the tree and saw the half-door that led to someone who could fix his problems and send him back. Back to the way things were. He knocked on the door three times. He heard a muffled voice faintly shout ‘In a minute.’ As he waited, he wondered what this pony would look like. What ridiculous colour is this one? How insane is she? Will she help me? The door swung open.
What stood at the door was a purple unicorn with a dark purple mane with a pink stripe down the middle. “I’m Twilight Sparkle. Welcome! Except, not really… I thought I sealed Yuno off from Equestria! What are you doing here? Come inside. I have questions to ask, and maybe answer.” she said in a very ‘Matter-of-Fact’ way. He followed her orders and entered the tree. It appeared as if she lived in a library... or she was a massive book hoarder.
“I’m guessing you read a lot?” Robert said, trying to break the ice.
“I’m not one for ‘small talk.’ Right now, I want to know everything that you do. I want to know where I went wrong. Tell me what happened right before you came here, what happened during, and what happened right after.” Twilight wanted answers, and she wanted them as soon as possible.
“Well, I guess I’ll start with the weird dream I had. It felt like I was falling for a long time. Like I was never going to reach the bottom of a high cliff. Then suddenly, I just smashed into the ground. Full force impact, but it didn’t hurt… I thought it did, but it actually didn’t.” Robert confessed.
“Well, that explains a bit, but not enough. Did you feel sharp stinging in your sides? Did you feel major pain other than hitting the seal, like you were being cut in half or something like that? Anything?”
The sharp words that Twilight had used had really hit Robert hard. CUT IN HALF?!
“Twilight, I think we’re out of cool whip-AAAAAHHH!!”
“DARN IT! I forgot about Spike! One second. DON’T MOVE!” Twilight said as she dashed off towards the crying dragon. Robert could faintly hear what was being said, but not that much.
----Look, I know ----- happened with pink didn’t---- so well---- but t--- you can---------------------you need t-----------I pro---se tha---e won’t.
“Now I’ll be right back, but I’ll keep my word.” Twilight said from afar. “Sorry, now where were we? Ah yes. Now, that final hit you felt was the seal I placed on—”
“TWILIGHT!”
“Oh, for Celestia’s sake… Look, I’ll explain later, but for now, you have to leave. Like, now! You definitely can’t spend the night, but I’m sure if you ask around town, somepony will let you crash with them. Just be careful as to whose house you sleep in. Some ponies don’t take kindly to humans… A lot of humans have spread cruelty and demise throughout Ponyville. You may want to stay clear of Pinkie Pie. She may seem nice, but she has had some bad experiences with humans… She may try to harm you in your sleep. But just find someplace that isn’t here!” Twilight said, rushing through each of her sentences. She pointed Robert to the door and then swiftly went to Spike’s aid.
Now what? I have no clue what to do! I guess I should find a place to crash for the night. Maybe we’ll sort all this out tomorrow. So… with ponies trying to kill me, who can I trust? Lyra and Bon Bon seem nice. I’ll check with them. And so he left to go find the green unicorn or her partner to make sleeping arrangements.
After some searching, he managed to find them hanging out in the park. “HEY GUYS!” Robert shouted. “Look, I apparently need a place to crash where I won’t be killed. Apparently my species sucks even more than I thought it did…”
“Well,” Lyra began, “you can’t hang out at our place… We like our privacy. Besides, we’d probably be really loud and we would just keep you up at night—”
“LYRA! I’m sorry, but she has a point. You won’t be able to stay with us. We will need to find somepony else to take you in. No offense or anything, it’s just—”
“WE’RE REALLY KINKY!”
“LYRA!”
“We need to find you a place to stay… How about Rarity’s place? Or Applejack’s, or even Rainbow Dash’s place! Ooooo! This will be fun!” Lyra started bouncing up and down with a large smile on her face. “WE SHALL BE OFF!”
After a long walk, the group of three finally made it to a large boutique. “Well, this is Rarity’s place. If you can’t stay the night, you can at least get some proper clothing.” Bon Bon said in a less than pleasant tone.
They made their way to the door when a young unicorn busted through the door, crying. A voice shouted out, “YOU LITTLE-UGGHHH! YOU’RE WORTHLESS! LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE! NOW YOU SEE WHY I MAKE WORKS OF ART FOR FORMAL OCCASIONS AND NOT FOR SOME SNOT NOSED LITTLE—” The larger, white unicorn silenced as soon as she noticed the group standing outside her door. “My my, it looks as if Twilight screwed up again. Thrilling. And what piece of garbage is he wearing? It looks as if he should be put out on the curb.”
“My my, you’re looking lovely today, although you did lay “the bitch” on a little thick.” Bon Bon replied.
“Don’t even get me started! I was making a dress for Princess Celestia. I KNOW! THE PRINCESS! So I was making this beautiful work of art, fit for a queen! Then some little snot-nosed—UGGHHH! Anyways, now I have to start all over!! Two months’ worth of work, just washed down the drain.”
“I’m guessing you’re Rarity?” Robert finally chimed in.
“Well, well, well... Aren’t you the clever one? Look, I don’t have time to fix whatever the hay it is that you’re wearing. I have very important matters to attend to.” And with that, the white unicorn’s horn glowed and the door slammed shut.
“Well…” Lyra started, “this went over smoothly. By the ways, Bon Bon, nice job.”
“I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, I hate her…” Bon Bon continuously chanted to herself, eyes clenched.
“Let’s just go to Applejack’s place. She’s probably got lots of space. If necessary, you could probably just sleep in the barn!” Lyra tried to lighten the mood, but to no effect. “Screw it, let’s just go…”
As they walked to Applejack’s house, Robert finally asked what was on his mind. “So… what’s with the ass tattoos?”
“Oh, these?” Lyra asked while pointing to a picture of a large harp on her flank. “These are just our cutie marks. They symbolize our true talents in life!”
“So are you a musician?” Robert asked.
“Well, she makes a lot of noise, I can tell you that much.” Bon Bon mused.
“Well, what is your talent? What does the candy symbolize?”
Lyra was quick to answer. “Well, she tastes—”
“I SWEAR TO CELESTIA! ONE MORE SEX JOKE…!” Bon Bon barked. The rest of the journey was silent. Robert never found out what Bon Bon’s talent really was, nor did he feel the need to bring it up again.
After another long and adventurous walk, they eventually ended up on a farm. An apple orchard to be exact. “Well, this is the place. That house may not look that big, but boy can it fit a lot!” Lyra commented.
“Well howdy doo, partner!” Robert looked to the side to see an orange pony with white freckles, emerald eyes that sparkled like the gem, a dirty blonde mane in a ponytail all topped with a Stetson hat.
My god, sh-she’s gorgeous. I know she’s just a pony and all… but my god…
“Wow, a human… Didn’ Twiligh’ say she stopped all the humans from comin’ to Equestria? Well, guess not. At least this one ain’ crazy… is he?”
“Oh, no.” Lyra was quick to respond. “He’s been nothing but nice. He loses track easily. For the first while, he was butt naked and he kept forgetting!”
“That wasn’t a very necessary detail, was it?” Robert asked.
“Well, considering you two may be sharing a roof for a little bit, I felt that AJ had a right—”
“HOLD ON! What was that? Come again? ‘Coulda sworn you said ‘sharin’ a roof.’ NOT HAPPENIN’! Apple Bloom has got lots ‘a work ta do ‘round tha farm, an’ she don’ need no distractions! A human roamin’ ‘round the house naked won’ really work in this house hold.”
“Wow, you just met him and you really hate him…” Lyra added.
“I don’ hate ‘m, I jus’ don’ know ‘im. I’ll be darned if I’m ‘a let some stranger walk ‘round mah house. Nothin’ personal.” she tried to say solemnly.
“Oh no, I understand. You have your stuff, and I would just be in the way… It’s ok, I’ll find somewhere…” Robert responded.
“Well, we had better make like an apple and find some place for this guy to live.” Lyra added in. Robert wasn’t quite sure if she was making a joke or if she just didn’t understand the concept. “SEE what I did there? LIKE THE OCEAN!” Lyra was rolling on the floor, laughing. She seemed quit amused by her joke.
“Look, ah ain’ got any time for your fancy games. Ah have work ta do!” Applejack butted in. She wasn’t very pleased with Lyra’s behaviour.
Fancy games… THE GAME!!! “DAMMIT! THE GAME!” Robert shouted aloud, frustrated.
“Uh, beg your pardon?” Applejack asked, confused.
“Well, there is this game where if you think about the words, ‘the game’ you lose the game. You can only lose every thirty minutes, though.”
“Ah’m up fer a challenge! How do ah win this here, ‘game’ ‘a yers?”
“You don’t. You can only lose.”
Applejack was crushed, as if everything she had ever known was a lie. “Ya mean… Ah can’ win?” she wondered aloud, in a very sorrowful state.
Robert felt incredibly bad for putting her like this, but there was nothing he could do. I can’t just change the rules… But I also can’t stand to see her like this… “Well…” Robert started. “You can’t win, but once everyone in the world is playing the game, then it ends. So I guess you could technically call that a win in itself… Just explain the rules to more people—or ponies, rather—and get them playing, too.”
“Lyra and I will help too!” Bon Bon finally said her first words since arriving at the farm.
“YER DARN TOOTIN’ RIGH’ YA’LL WILL!” Applejack said in a menacing manner. She was very competitive, apparently, and she let it show.
“Ohhhh-kay then…” Lyra awkwardly chimed in. “Well, we had better find someplace for him to live. Maybe Dash will let him crash! HA HA! See Bon Bon? I can be classy. I JUST RHYMED! AIN’T NOPONY CLASSIER THAN ME!”
Bon Bon sighed deeply. “Let’s just go…”
“NO, WAIT! YA’LL CAN’ STAY AT DASH’S PLACE!” Applejack tried to yell, but it was too late. Lyra, Bon Bon and Robert had already left and were beyond ear-shot.
“Well, Dash is our last hope for you. If she refuses… You’re kinda screwed.”
“Lyra! There’s no need for the negativity. I’m sure she’ll let him stay the night.”
“And if she doesn’t? It’s not like we have any other options. Rarity and Applejack already turned him down, Twilight kicked him out, I don’t really trust that Pinkie won’t saw him in half, and Fluttershy has probably already heard the news and locked her doors thirteen times. That only leaves Rainbow Dash and us, but we’ve already ruled us out, so that means he is stuck with Dash.”
“Well… okay, NOW you choose to make sense?” Bon Bon was obviously not amused.
“Well, we’re almost there anyways, so I guess we’ll have our answer soon!” Lyra was right about one thing. They were nearing their destination. Up in the sky, Robert could see a large fortress of clouds.
“Well, we’re here!” Lyra proudly announced.
“Uh, Lyra? What do you see in front of us?”
“Bon Bon, you know it’s Dash’s place. Were you not listening?”
“Okay… now… Lyra? Can you tell me what Rainbow Dash lives on?”
“Royal pegasi land…”
“Now, Lyra, tell me what her house is made of.”
“CLOUDS silly! All pegasi can walk—OHHHH! I see what you’re driving at… Yeah, this was a pretty stupid plan.”
“What’s going on?” Robert inquired.
“Well, pegasi can walk freely on clouds, so a lot of pegasi live on clouds. Considering you can’t fly or walk on clouds, this whole idea was pretty stupid.” Lyra explained.
“So wait, now I don’t have a place to stay?”
“Well, maybe… either way we’re having lunch. Bon Bon, how much do you have on you?”
“Enough for the three of us.”
“PERFECT! Time to ignore this problem! It will probably work itself out. For now, we have other things to occupy our minds, like how nothing occupies our stomachs! AWAY!” Lyra pranced off at a slower than walking speed. Bon Bon and Robert proceeded to follow Lyra.
After a while, the group ended up at a little restaurant with an outdoor patio. Many of the ponies were a bit offset with Robert near, while a few continued on as if nothing were happening. Although it was clear that some ponies did not accept him being there, none of the ponies gave him too hard of a time.
“So… Where shall we sit? In or out? Well, seeing as how it is fairly nice out, I say we eat out on the patio. Lyra?”
“I am more than okay with eating out!” Lyra answered excitedly.
“Is she always like this?” Robert asked.
“If I were to say yes, I would be lying. Believe it or not, she’s usually much worse than this…” Despite her tone, Bon Bon’s facial expression seemed fairly positive.
“TIME TO EAT SOME FOOD AND STUFF!” Lyra seemed intent on eating. She made her way to a table without waiting for Robert or Bon Bon.
Bon Bon turned to Robert, and in a soft voice, she whispered, “She may be a bit over the top, but she thinks I don’t have enough fun, so she tries to have enough for the both of us.” Bon Bon proceeded to walk over to the table where Lyra was sitting.
Robert picked up the menu as Bon Bon opened hers with her mouth. Lyra was already reading the menu, as her glowing horn seemed to hold the glowing booklet. Normally this would have shocked Robert, but nothing could have scared him at this point.
Everything on here is vegetarian… I can somewhat understand that, but why does everything have non-edible flowers in them? “Is there anything on this menu made with edible ingredients?” Robert asked.
“Well, define edible. You could technically eat dirt, so that would be considered edible. In that perspective, everything is edible. I think you’re looking for something that is… What was it? FIT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION! That’s it… You need like… dog food, or something… I guess you could just get the apple salad… Wynona seems to digest that properly…” Lyra answered.
“Wynona?”
“Applejack’s dog! Oh, that’s right… You didn’t see her… Feisty little thing that is…”
I’ve been reduced to eating dog food? Well, I used to be eating processed food out of a can, now I’m eating fresh picked apples and lettuce. Is this really a downgrade?
“HEY, DERPY! OVER HERE!” Lyra shouted, disregarding all other forms of life around her.
“Hey, what’s up? OH! PERSON DUDE IS STILL WITH YOU! Robby, if I’m not mistaken…”
“Ya, it’s Robert…” he responded.
“Well, actually, kinda glad we ran into you. Robert is homeless as of now, so would you let him crash at your place for the night? It wouldn’t be permanent…” Lyra explained.
“Well, sure! I’ll check with the Doctor, but he should be fine with it. He could sleep on the couch. He is welcome in our home for as long as he needs.”
“You’d really do this? For me? But you hardly know me!” Robert added.
“Lyra and Bon Bon seem to be okay with you, and if they’re fine with it, I’m fine with it.”
“Wow… You’re really courteous. Thank you. Where should we meet up later?”
“Why not at my house? We can go there right now.” Derpy offered.
“I kind of need to eat… I haven’t eaten anything yet…” Robert protested.
“We got food at my place! Muffins… Muffins… We got lots of muffins! And apples… some green peppers… AND MUFFINS!”
“Well, that’s edible… I guess that means that I’m off. See you guys, and thank you so much for all the help.” Robert said as he got out of his chair.
“No problem.” Lyra said.
“We had fun.” Bon Bon added.
“Hope to see you again!” Lyra said one final time before Robert and Derpy left for her house. Back to walking it was.
“So, I hear you live with a doctor...?” Robert awkwardly tried to start up a conversation.
“No no no. Not a doctor… THE Doctor. Doctor Whooves. And I don’t just live with him. He’s my husband. HE’S GREAT! Lots of fun. Never a dull moment with him around!” Derpy excitedly answered.
“Husband eh… You have any children?”
“YA! Dinky is only a small filly right now, but she is growing fast. Sparkler on the other hoof… she is in the rebellious stage right now… I hope that will pass soon.”
“Sounds like you have a full house as it is.”
“There’s always room for a friend!”
A friend…
“Enough about me. Let’s talk about you. What do you do?”
“Well… I don’t do much. I normally just sit around and think.”
“What do you think about?”
“Anything and everything. Give me a topic. I’ll show you what goes on in my mind.”
“Rocks!”
“Rocks. Never to move. Could a rock be sentient? Does a rock know anything? What if a rock wants to learn? Can a rock learn? Does a rock know what learning even is? Could it learn to learn? No… For learning requires prior knowledge. Does a rock have that? Can a rock know that it knows nothing, or can it know that it knows everything? No, a rock knows naught for it hath no soul to ponder… ”
“Oh… my… gosh… THAT IS THE FANCIEST WAY TO CALL A ROCK STUPID THAT I HAVE EVER HEARD!”
“I guess you could look at it like that…” Robert had never thought about his thoughts in such a simplified manner.
“Well, we’re here!”
Robert looked up to see a house with a mail box outside with the word ‘(W)hooves’ on it.
“You live… in a giant mushroom?”
“MUFFIN! I live in a MUFFIN!” Derpy protested. “Anyways… let’s go inside. You can meet the kids and The Doctor.”
“Okay, then… I guess…” Robert wasn’t that sure about staying at some random pegasus’s place. I don’t even know her, or her husband. Something just feels off about this. Why would some random pegasus let me stay at her—this is a mushroom… A big, white-bottomed mushroom... with a red-and-blue-spotted top… I’m staying the night… in a giant, colourful mushroom…
Derpy flew over to the door that was awkwardly carved into the house wall. She signalled for Robert to enter. “Come on in!” Then she turned towards the house and proceeded to holler “I’M HOOOOOOOME! And I brought a friend!”
“MOMMY!” A small unicorn came running to the door. She had a light blonde mane, similar to Derpy’s, while her coat was a bit more purple than her mother’s. Robert also noticed that the filly had no cutie mark whatsoever.
“Oh, boy… the winged wonder is home.” This time a larger unicorn walked to the door casually, despite the odd circumstance. Her mane was a dark purple with lavender highlights, opposed to the usual, blonde mane. She was about twice as large as the smaller one and she was much more purple. This one had a cutie mark of what appeared to be three, fine-cut diamonds.
“Who is the new friend, mommy? Is he nice? Is he fun? Does he tell jokes?” the younger one pestered.
“Well, I just have to ask your father, but he may be staying with us a few nights. In the meantime, why don’t you find out for yourself? Remember, behave,” Derpy lectured.
The young filly’s eyes grew bright. “YOU MEAN WE GET TO KEEP HIM?!” Dinky bounced with joy.
“No, Dinky. He’s not a pet. He’s an intelligent being, like me, you, or dad.” the elder butted in.
Did she purposely leave her mom out? Nah…
“Anyways, you two get to know him but don’t bother him too much,” Derpy cautioned, “if I hear that you guys have upset him…” She turned to Robert. “Same goes for you; if I find out that you laid…” Derpy started to yell but suddenly stopped. She stared into thin air for a few seconds, dazed.
What’s going on? Why isn’t she moving?
Derpy snapped back to reality. “Sorry… Anyways, you three have fun!”
“Don’t worry; we’ll take care of him. You go and find dad. We’ll make him comfortable,” the elder replied.
“Okay!” And with that, the grey pegasus left.
“Well, I guess it’s just us two now,” Sparkler stated.
“What about Dinky?” Robert retorted.
Sparkler turned to Dinky. “Hey Dinky, wanna go play with your toys?”
“I WANNA LEARN ABOUT THE SPACEMAN!!!” Dinky loudly replied.
“Ugh… Well, I guess it’s just the three of us…” Sparkler groaned.
“So… shall we actually go inside or are we just going to stand here awkwardly?” Robert asked.
“I guess…” Sparkler replied, bemused.
“TO THE SIT ROOM!” the young filly shouted, dashing off into the house.
“You know… we could just ditch her and have some fun of our own.” Sparkler said, disregarding her little sister.
"Why would we do that? She seems like she's up for some fun," Robert answered, confused.
The large unicorn sighed, but then continued on towards a fairly decent-sized room with four chairs, a table, a couch, and an over-excited filly.
“So, spaceman… what’s your name?” Dinky asked.
“Me? I’m Robert. And, I assume, you would be Dinky,” Robert said, sitting down on the couch.
“He… He knows my name… ALL HAIL THE ALL-KNOWING SPACEMAN!” Dinky shouted. She was bowing down to Robert, or at least the pony equivalent to bowing. This brought a smile to Robert’s face, until he felt something press down on his right shoulder. He flinched, drew back, and turned to what was applying force to his shoulder. When he turned his head, he almost hit Sparkler’s in the process.
“What were you doing?” Robert asked.
“You had a long day, so I figured that you could use a shoulder massage,” Sparkler replied.
“You couldn’t find a way that didn’t involve your head being so close to mine?”
“Well, I don’t have hands, my hooves would do more damage than they would mend, so the only option left would be my chin, hence why my head was close to yours.” Sparkler explained. ”Relax.”
“Oh, I guess that makes sense,” Robert replied. After this, she went back to rubbing her head against his shoulders. Robert still felt a bit awkward, but he went along with it as not to be rude.
“So, spaceman… what do you do for fun?” Dinky continued.
“I don’t do much… I usually just play games, eat, or sleep. That’s basically the extent of my entertainment,” Robert answered.
“Really? What kinds of games?” Dinky asked, hopping up and down.
“Nothing much, just some war games,” Robert replied.
“What’s a war?” the young filly inquired.
“You know, like The Great Equestrian War, when The Solar Empire had to join forces with The Lunar Republic to stop The Crossed from invading Equestria,” Sparkler explained, “I had Applejack and Rarity help me with my report on it.”
“Wait, what are the—” Robert was suddenly interrupted by a large, brown pony entering the room. He had a dark brown mane and an hourglass for a cutie mark. Derpy followed him out, smiling.
“I came as soon as I heard the news! So… an alien? I know what to do with you…!” the brown pony exclaimed. Without warning, he charged for Robert. He stopped by dragging his back hooves across the ground and landed right in front of the nervous human. “Jump on my back!”
“I’m sorry, what?” Robert questioned.
“I said ‘jump on my back’!” the brown pony repeated.
“It’s okay, just jump on his back,” Derpy said, reassuringly. To this, Robert nodded his head and slowly climbed on top of the brown pony. As soon as he gained his balance, the pony charged at the wall with no signs of slowing down.
CRASH!
He slammed into the wall, throwing both himself and Robert to the ground.
“Decent. He may stay,” the pony announced, shaking his head to compose himself.
What the hell just happened?
“YAY! THE SPACE MAN CAN STAY!” the small filly exclaimed, bouncing up and down, spinning in circles.
Robert stood up and headed over to Sparkler. “What did he just do?” Robert asked, rubbing his throbbing head.
“Oh, that’s just dad being dad; nothing unusual... well, for his normal behaviour. There’s nothing usual about him compared to other ponies,” Sparkler answered. “He’s always been like this; never really thought anything of it.”
“Well, we should get something to eat,” Derpy added.
“Dinky and dad already ate. I wasn’t really hungry at the time,” Sparkler announced.
“It looks like it’s the three of us, then…” Robert commented.
“That would be right! The younger and I DID eat! WHAT A FEAST IT WAS! HA! I shall be off. THINGS TO DO! Time to leap!” the large brown pony shouted at alternating volumes. He sped off clumsily, stumbling every so often.
There’s something wrong with that pony…
“I’m off to go help dad with his wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff!” Dinky proudly declared as she bounced off in the same direction of the larger, brown pony.
“Shall we eat here or go out?” Sparkler inquired.
“Well, I don’t think many places serve food fit for Robert, so the plan was to eat here,” Derpy explained.
“I’m sure there’s someplace…” Sparkler protested. “Tell you what, you stay here and watch over dad, to make sure he doesn’t blow anything or anypony up, and I’ll take Robert out for lunch. I could also show him around town, like a tour.”
“I guess, if it’s alright with him,” Derpy replied.
“Yeah, I guess,” Robert agreed. “If I’m going to be stuck here, I might as well learn my way around town.”
“Sounds like a plan! What time should we be home?” Sparkler asked.
“Just be home for dinner,” Derpy answered.
Annoyed by this answer, Sparkler groaned and asked, “Okay… now what TIME will dinner be served?”
“Just be home for six o’clock,” Derpy replied, sighing.
“Fine.” Sparkler turned to Robert. “Are you ready to go?”
“Ready as I’ll ever be… considering all of my current possessions consist of the clothes that I’m wearing right now…” Robert answered.
“Well, that seems like a yes. We’re off,” Sparkler said as she turned toward the entrance corridor. She started walking away and Robert joined shortly after.
“Have fun!” Derpy’s voice echoed.
“Ya, ya. Whatever…” Sparkler responded, walking away. She opened the front door with her hoof and then carried on, Robert following closely behind. The human clumsily closed the door behind with some difficulty, as this wasn’t the standard door that he was used to. “Well, we’re free. What do you want to do?”
Robert’s stomach growled. “Weren’t we going to get something to eat?” Robert asked, trying to talk over the hunger-induced noises emanating from his body.
“Right. Well, what are you in the mood for?” Sparkler inquired. “We got lots of food in this town.”
“Anything that isn’t plants…” Robert answered.
“So… Milk and eggs?” Sparkler seemed a bit put off by the idea, but she perked up almost a split second later. “Well, I know a diner that makes great eggs!”
“Well, do they have any—” Robert stopped himself short. What am I thinking? I can’t ask if they serve bacon! They’re talking horses; I doubt asking ‘Where’s a good place to eat butchered and fried pigs?’ would be a good idea.
“Have any…?”
“Oh, nothing. Never mind. Let’s go.” Robert didn’t feel like explaining himself to Sparkler.
“Okay, then, follow me,” Sparkler told Robert. She started to walk off to town with Robert following. He stayed by her side, lagging behind a little.
After about five minutes of walking, Robert decided to break the silence. “So, is your father always like that?”
“Yeah,” Sparkler replied, looking at the ground, “he does stuff like that a lot. He’s always going off about some time adventure or saving the world. Most of the time, he just locks himself in the garden shed, yelling something about a ‘Tardis.’ Some ponies make fun of him because of the way he acts but he never seems bothered by it.” Sparkler’s confession of her father made Robert feel a bit uncomfortable about staying at their house.
Is it safe to stay near that pony? How do I know that I can trust him? Wait… I’m staying in HIS house. I should be grateful… so why do I feel more nervous about going back to that house?
“There it is,” Sparkler noted, throwing her head to the right, pointing out a small building with a large sign that read, simply, “Eighty 8,” in bold black letters. “This place makes good eggs.”
The two made their way inside of the establishment. Many of the ponies in the diner gave them weird looks. Looks of disgust, looks of hate, looks of inquiry, but mostly just looks with no real expression.
“Why do they keep looking at me like that?” Robert whispered quietly to Sparkler.
“We don’t get many humans, and the few we get usually do terrible things,” Sparkler answered.
“Then why are you hanging around me if I am such a threat?” Robert asked.
“Well…” Sparkler’s cheeks grew bright red. She looked slightly uncomfortable by the thought of answering that question.
Maybe she doesn’t have many friends. None of the other ponies said ‘Hi’ to her on our way here…
“To be honest…” Sparkler paused.
“Look, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. Let’s just find a seat and finally eat something! I’m so hungry, I could eat a—” THE HELL WAS I ABOUT TO SAY?! ‘EAT A HORSE’?! THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!
“Eat a…?” Sparkler questioned.
“Nothing! Never mind… Let’s just eat!” Robert quickly replied.
“Okay…” Sparkler said, dismissing the previous statement. “Where do you want to sit?”
“That table seems empty,” Robert said as he pointed to a table almost directly in the center of the restaurant. “Let’s just grab that one.”
“Sure!” Sparkler replied with an odd amount of pep.
As they made their way over to the table, heads turned to look at them but Robert was growing used to this so he didn’t really care anymore. As they sat down, Sparkler’s horn lit up with a bright, purple light. Almost instantly, her menu gave off a similar glow and it started to levitate.
“What’s with the glowing horn?” Robert inquired.
“Oh, this?” Sparkler replied, “This is just how I move stuff around. All unicorns can do magic.”
“Magic...? As in, like, smoke-and-mirrors, pulling a rabbit out of a hat?”
“Not really,” Sparkler continued, “Right now, I’m physically interacting with the paper. I see it in my mind and it happens. Other than that, I’m not sure how it works. You should ask Twilight if you’re interested.”
“Don’t think that’s happening any time soon...” Robert thought aloud.
“And why would that be?” Sparkler asked.
“I was told not to return,” Robert answered. “Something about a dragon...”
“Oh, right...” Sparkler remembered. “Poor Spike... Doubt he’ll ever be the same.”
“What happened to him?” Robert inquired.
“You’re gonna have to ask Pinkie Beam about that... I don’t know the entire story, but she probably would,” Sparkler explained, staring off into space.
If I’m going to have to go on a scavenger hunt to find out, screw it...
“Anyhoof, when will we get some damned service?” Sparkler asked, stomping her hoof on the table.
“Relax; we just sat down,” Robert said. “Give them some time. They probably don’t even know we’re here, yet.”
“I guess... So, what else do you do in your spare time?”
“What do you mean?” Robert asked, slightly confused.
“Earlier, you said that you like to play games. What else do you do?”
“To be honest... not much... That’s about it...” Robert said, reddening at the cheeks. He wanted to sound more interesting than this but he didn’t want to lie.
“There’s got to be something else that you do...”
“Actually, I’m writing a book, if that counts... I don’t really work on it that much, though...”
“A book?” Sparkler asked enthusiastically. “What’s it about?”
“Nothing... you wouldn’t care.”
“Try me.”
“Well, it’s about two orphans who grow up together, having to fight for their right to live with each other.”
“Sounds like a good story. How far have you gotten?”
“Well, not really that far... I rarely work on it... Hell, chapter three took months to complete.” She can’t really be this interested... can she? Or are colourful ponies just really that nice?
“Guess writing isn’t your cutie mark...”
“Guess not... So wait, what does your cutie mark represent?”
Sparkler started to whoosh her hair around exaggeratedly. “Can’t you tell? It’s because I DAZZLE, darling.” Sparkler replied in a German accent.
The two burst out into laughter, causing some heads to turn. Amidst the laughter, Sparkler managed to fit in “so, let’s hear more about you.”
“What do you mean?” Robert replied, calming down from his laughing fit.
“Well, for one, what’s it like in the human world?”
“Well… not as colourful, I can tell you that. Less ponies.”
“Well, that much, I assumed. What I meant was, what is your life like in the human world? Do you have any friends? Do you live with your parents? Do you have a girlfriend?”
"Look, I don't like it when people like you ask all these types of questions and I would appreciate it if you would stop." Robert said, firmly grasping his menu. What right does she have to ask me about that kind of stuff? I hate intrusive people like that!
Sparkler sank into her chair. With a melancholy voice, She replied “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, I just wanted to—”
“Sorry for the long wait! May I take your order?” A familiar voice boomed from behind. Robert turned around in shock. He saw Pinkie Pie standing there in a full uniform with a notepad in her hoof and a pen in her mouth. How she could enunciate with a pen in her mouth the way she did, Robert had no idea. All he knew was that Pinkie Pie was taking his order.
Sparkler also snapped to an emotion of shock. “You work here? I thought you worked at the bakery!”
“I don’t and I do!” Pinkie shouted, rather excited about something. “I work at the bakery but not here. I used to work here and they said I could keep the uniform if I left! It’s a nice uniform! I was just walking down this street, looked into the window, and thought to myself ‘You know who I haven’t talked to in over 10 minutes? Princess Celestia. I haven’t sent her a letter for months !’ Then I saw you guys and I hopped right on in and decided it would be fun to act like I still work here! I liked my job here. Lots of people to talk to. It’s a shame they don’t let me work here anymore. It’s kinda busy so they might not even notice me this time! So Robert, where’d you pick up this fine looking gal, huh? I’m kidding. I know Sparkler! I know EVERYPONY! Speaking of which, I still need to get you to my party! Come with me!”
Before he had any time to react, Pinkie had already grabbed Robert and they were out the door.
“Where are we going?” Robert asked.
“We’re going to the bakery basement since I wasn’t allowed to set up in the main floor of the bakery. I had to make the party SOMEPLACE, so why not there? Don’t worry; I made sure everything was nice and cozy for you. I even have normal, human food for you!” Pinkie Pie answered, still dragging Robert across the ground by his shirt.
Human food? Maybe I can FINALLY get something to eat! I’m starving! Robert grew more and more excited to go to this alleged party thrown for him. “So, will there be others there as well?”
“Well, from the sounds of it, you’ve already met my other friends, and I don’t know many ponies that are human-friendly. A lot of humans do bad things, but you won’t do anything bad. I’ll make sure—“ Pinkie stopped halfway through her sentence. “HEY! It’s Rainbow Dash! HEY DASHIE! DOWN HERE!”
Robert looked up to see a blue pegasus with a rainbow-coloured mane soaring through the sky. The blue pony stopped almost instantly and started flying towards the ground.
“Hey, Pinkie. What’s up?” the blue pegasus asked.
This must me Rainbow Dash… Wait… red, orange, yellow…
“Since when do you wear clothes?” she asked Pinkie.
...green, blue, indigo…
“SINCE EVER! I wouldn’t want to gallop around naked in front of our new guest, now would I, Dashie?” Pinkie replied.
...No violet… WHY IS THERE NO VIOLET?!
“Uh, Pinkie… we’re generally naked… We actually have to put clothes on to be seductive…” Rainbow Dash argued.
“That’s not how it is to our friend here, and I’m going by his rules.” Pinkie rebutted.
“Anyhoof, where are you guys headed?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Well,” Robert replied, “Pinkie was taking me to the bakery basement so we could have a party for my arrival… Is that normal?”
“Th-th-th-the bakery b-basement?! NO WAY! YOU’RE COMING WITH ME!” Rainbow Dash shouted as she wrapped her hooves around him from the back and flew away.
Oh, joy… another lift… This time literally… “Where are we going now?”
“ANYWHERE THAT’S AWAY FROM THAT BASEMENT OF HERS!” Dash shouted to Robert as she flew above the clouds in a random direction.
“Mind telling me why?”
“NO TIME TO EXPLAIN! JUST TRUST ME! I’M BEING HONEST WITH YOU, IT’S FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY!”
“Okay, MIND TELLING ME WHY YOU’RE SHOUTING?!” Robert yelled, mimicking Rainbow Dash.
“WELL, WE MAY OR MAY NOT ONLY BREAK THE SOUND BARRIER, BUT ALSO THE LIGHT SPECTRUM!” The sound of passing air grew louder and louder, causing Robert to barely hear Rainbow Dash, even while she was yelling.
“WAIT, LIGHT SPECTRUM?! HOW DO YOU BREAK THAT?! WOULDN’T IT BE BEYOND DANGEROUS TO EVEN BREAK THE SOUND BARRIER?!”
“IF YOU EXPECT THE PHYSICS OF TWO UNIVERSES TO BE THE EXACT SAME, YOU’RE NOT GONNA GO FAR, KID!”
“WAIT, TWO UNIVERSES?!” To this, Rainbow Dash did not reply. Robert figured that the air was too loud for her to hear his question or for him to hear her answer. After flying around for about two minutes in noise-induced silence, Rainbow Dash finally started to slow down and land. She landed in a familiar field.
“We should be safe over here. Well, welcome to my home!” Rainbow Dash announced as she pointed off in the distance.
“Don’t you live on clouds?” Robert asked. “You’re just pointing to a field of nothing.”
“How do you know about my cloud house? Anyways, this is in Equestria, is it not? Therefore, it’s my home. Nopony here but us, now. No one to hear your screams!” Rainbow Dash said menacingly as she inched closer to Robert. He started backing away slowly, unsure of what was about to happen. “RELAX! I’m joking. So, Robert was it? What brings you to Equestria?”
“Actually, I was about to ask you. You said something about two universes… Do you know what’s going on?”
“Only what Twilight rambled on about. From what I caught, I know that there are two universes. The human universe, which you’re pretty familiar with, and the universe containing Equestria. Twilight said she plugged up the connection between the two, but the fact that I’m talking to you means that either you’ve been hiding for a couple of months or that Twilight screwed up. Considering the fact that Celestia hasn’t shown up, yet, I’m guessing the latter.”
“Wow… You really know a lot about this…”
“Well, Twilight does… But you would know that… By the way…” Rainbow Dash leaned in close to Robert and whispered conspiratorially, “…who is best pony?”
Baffled, Robert asked “What do you mean?”
“Wait… You don’t know who I am?”
“You’re Rainbow Dash… I think…”
“Did you know about us prior to visiting Equestria?”
“Uh… no… No, I did not…”
“Oh…” Dash said in a solemn tone. “I don’t know whether to be happy or sad…”
“Why?”
“On one hoof, you won’t be fangirling all over me. On another hoof, you don’t know about the awesomeness that is Rainbow Dash.”
“That was quite egotistical of you.”
Rainbow Dash grew a fierce look on her face as she scratched at the ground with her front right hoof. “You had better keep your testicles where they are or I’m gonna—”
“NO!” Robert shouted as he kneeled over, protecting his crotch. “EGOTISTICAL! IT MEANS OVERLY PROUD OF ONE’S SELF!”
“OH! I’m sorry… again… humans… I thought you were trying to pull something on the fastest flier of all of Equestria.”
“What do humans do in this world to make all of us seem like such terrible people?”
“Nothing’s ever happened to me, but judging by other ponies’ reactions… I’m guessing things that don’t need to be mentioned. I don’t know what happened to Pinkie, but the fact that she wears clothes now is rather odd, don’t you agree? And Fluttershy… she won’t even leave her house whenever a human is around. Here’s a tip; to stay alive in this universe, avoid any overly-odd acting ponies at all costs. Many humans have done unspeakable things to us so don’t think that somepony won’t be able to justify their actions when they kill you. OR WORSE.”
“Wouldn’t dragging me away from an arrival party to talk in a large, open field be considered ‘overly-odd’ behavior?”
“Considering that you’re still alive, I would assume that you’re safe.”
“So, who do you know that I can trust, then?”
“Well, me, Applejack, Twilight, Rarity… but I would just avoid her anyways… she can be a bit… bitchy, to put it nicely.”
“I found that out earlier today. I thought she was just pissed because some pony ruined her dress.”
“Maybe… You never know with that pony… It’s like EVERYTHING pisses her off.”
“Well, what about Derpy?”
This question seemed to strike Rainbow Dash as a very odd thing to say. She began to back up a bit as to keep some distance. She then looked up and asked “What about her?”
“Can I trust her?”
“Why would you want to trust her?”
“Considering the fact that I’m staying at her house till this all blows—”
“YOU’RE WHAT ?!”
“Yeah, until things go back to normal, I’m staying over at her house.”
“Yeah, okay, now you’re staying with me.”
“But I can’t clouds… I mean… No wings… I’m not a pegasus.”
“Wait… How do you know that I live in a cloud home?”
“Earlier, Lyra and Bon Bon were—”
“LYRA AND BON BON! How about you stay with them?”
“I thought about that, too… but they said they were… kinky…”
“Lyra?”
“Yup.”
“Well, what about Applejack?”
“She’s not quite as kinky…”
“You don’t know that… Anyhoof, what I meant was, what about staying at her house for the time being?”
“Actually, I do know, as she won’t let me stay because she doesn’t want naked people running around her house all the time.”
“Then DON’T BE NAKED! Or at least learn to walk.”
“Not being naked is apparently harder than you think…”
“Fair enough. What about Twilight’s?”
“Something about a dragon… I don’t really know…”
“Wow… Recently she’s kinda been Spike’s bitch…. Well, how about Rarity?”
“Even if she let me, I don’t think I would want to stay there.”
“I don’t blame you.”
“What do you have against Derpy, anyways?”
“She’s just so… Derpy…”
“What is Derpy?”
“She’s the mare who’ll drive you crazy if you stay at her house…”
“No, what I meant was… Is it a descriptive word?”
“It’s pretty damn descriptive… one time… I saw her… talking to a mushroom! Said it was a muffin.”
“Oh, her house.”
“SHE LIVES IN IT?!”
“Okay, you’re going to have to define ‘odd’ because I don’t really know what’s normal in a universe filled with flying, talking, magical, brightly-coloured horses.”
“To be fair, there’s only two ponies who fit all those criteria.”
“Regardless, I just don’t see that much out of place with Derpy’s behaviour. Sure, she isn’t the most dexterous of ponies, but that doesn’t mean that she should be avoided. Overall, she seems quite cheery.”
“Well, I guess it’s not so much her as it is her husband. He’s the crazy—”
“OH, FUCK! ”
“What is it?”
“I LEFT SPARKLER ALL ALONE AT THE DINER! OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH—”
“Don’t worry, I’ll fly you there. We’ll be there in a dash! Besides, Sparkler is, what, seventeen? She can fend for herself for a while.”
“Thank you so much!”
“No problem!” At that, Rainbow Dash took hold of Robert once again and began to fly off. She flew below the cloud line and at a much slower speed so that one of them could spot Sparkler out of a crowd.
“Thanks again.” God, if Derpy finds out…
“Again, it’s nothing. At least now I’m actually doing something instead of lounging around all day. By the way… you and Sparkler… anything going on between you two?”
“What? No! Well… not that I know of… Why?”
“Nothing, really… just that it seems like you really care about her.”
“I’m kinda staying at her house. If anything happens to her, I’m a homeless man.”
“Well… have you… considered starting something with her?”
“Then Derpy would kill me, not to mention the fact that she is a talking unicorn and I am a human. Aren’t there laws against that kind of stuff?”
“Only in major cities like Canterlot or Fillydelphia. In smaller towns like Ponyville, anything with a hole, man.”
“Pleasant…”
“Wait… I think I see her!”
“Oh god, she’s right outside her house! We’ll never make it!”
“You doubt the fastest flier in all of Equestria?” At that, Rainbow Dash flew at an incredible speed towards the giant mushroom. Right before they reached the door, she flung Robert towards Sparkler, causing him to smash, face-first, into the gravel trail leading up to the house. At that moment, Derpy opened the door to Sparkler standing outside the door while Robert lay face down in the gravel.
“Uh, hey. What’s up?” Derpy asked, concerned for Robert’s well-being.
Robert lifted his head off the ground. His face was a bit bloody, but overall, not that bad considering the force of the collision. “Well, as you can see… not me.”
